Synopsis:\u00a0<\/b>What would happen if two brothers fell in love with the same girl? Pain!
\nRating:\u00a0 PG-13\u00a0 \u00a0Words:\u00a0 18,345<\/p>\n
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The Brandsters acknowledge that the authors are the owners of their stories.\u00a0 Should an author included in the project reach out to us and indicate they do not wish their work to be archived in the Bonanza Brand Fanfiction Library, we will remove their stories.\u00a0 We would also be happy to change the e:mail address for any authors who wish to continue to have their stories archived in the Library.<\/p>\n
King of Pain<\/strong><\/p>\n <\/p>\n She was gone.<\/p>\n He\u2019d known it before he\u2019d even come in the house, before he\u2019d even seen the piece of paper folded in half and resting quietly on his dresser.<\/p>\n The late spring storm still raged on somewhere outside, the wind occasionally sending a furious spray of rain against his window that only reminded him further of the emptiness inside when the wind changed direction and the house was silent again.<\/p>\n He stood in the doorway for a long time, dripping water onto the floor and staring at that piece of paper. He decided that he\u2019d really known last night. But he hadn\u2019t wanted to believe until this morning, when the first clouds had rolled in.<\/p>\n He had known then, but he\u2019d stayed. He\u2019d chosen to stay out in the pastures working until the force of the storm had finally driven even the toughest hands back to the ranch house because he\u2019d known what he would find when he came back. A cold, still house and this piece of paper. She\u2019d left just as she\u2019d always said she would. She\u2019d left him alone.<\/p>\n Isn\u2019t that what you wanted<\/i>? he asked himself bitterly and forced himself to move.<\/p>\n Very slowly, he took a step into his room and then another, past the books that had always given him consolation before, until he was standing in front of his dresser. Then he shook his head and sat down heavily on his bed. Not yet. He wasn\u2019t ready to read it yet.<\/p>\n The hollowness he\u2019d felt inside him coming home was gone. Instead there was a tearing, twisting pain in his chest, making him bend over and wrap his arms closely around his body in a way he hadn\u2019t done in nearly fifteen years; a childish attempt to ward off the pain that hadn\u2019t worked then. But unlike then, pain was familiar now. Pain was his, and now it was all he had left of her. The bandage on his hand was a strong reminder of that.<\/p>\n He smiled sickly to himself at the idea that he had chosen to hold this in his arms instead of Serena and then slowly raised his head to stare at the letter again.<\/p>\n “There is pain in the world, Adam,” she had said to him once, “But happiness as well, they go together, and are shared by everyone. You simply have to let them both in.” He hadn\u2019t believed her. He still didn\u2019t. There was happiness for some, but it was not for him to share. Not for him.<\/p>\n At this thought the hollow feeling in his stomach returned and he turned his thoughts desperately to anything that might make him feel less cold and empty. Serena\u2019s wide, warm smile appeared before his eyes and he laughed to himself at the sharp pain in his chest. That would do. Deliberately he searched around his mind for more memories of her. They weren\u2019t hard to find. Her strong, slender hands holding up a chain of daisies. Hazel eyes still muddled from sleep when he woke her. Concern in those eyes later, for him, and the bright colors of that day in the high meadow. The feel of her hand when she\u2019d touched his skin\u2026.\u00a0 No, that was too much. He pushed that away quickly and tried to focus on something else. With another smile, this one so gentle that most people would have been very surprised to see it on his face, he remembered when they\u2019d met, and the days afterward.<\/p>\n *****<\/p>\n The sky was a pale, almost sickly blue compared to the clear azure it would be come summer, and scenery was still more brown than green, but it was spring nevertheless. Adam would have known it by the scent in the air, even if Hoss hadn\u2019t had to have been dosed with his special tonic that morning. He inhaled deeply after he jumped down from the wagon and closed his eyes, enjoying even the tiny bit of warmth given off by the early spring sun.<\/p>\n He was glad winter was over. It had been a particularly long and cold season and no one at the house had been more eager for a chance to go into town then he, except maybe Joe. At the thought of his youngest brother he opened his eyes and looked down into Little Joe\u2019s impatient face in amusement.<\/p>\n “What, are you just going to stand there on our first day into town in over a month?” he demanded excitedly, making Adam laugh. He couldn\u2019t blame Joe for being so eager. In fact, once they finished the business Pa had assigned them, he would probably disappear into a saloon and not come out until next winter.\u00a0 He shook his head at Joe and stepped around him into Wilson\u2019s General Store.<\/p>\n Joe bounced around energetically while he ordered the supplies they needed back at the house, though Adam noticed he calmed himself long enough to get some tinned peaches for Hoss and then to smile at the young woman who came in to look at material with her mother. Snow and sleet wouldn\u2019t stop his little brother from talking to a pretty girl, so Adam doubted that a little mud from the spring rains would stop him either. Once the wagon was loaded, Joe would probably disappear with that young lady or another and Adam would have to go the bank on his own.<\/p>\n Since that was something that no amount of arguing would change, even if he had been in the mood to argue, Adam just shook his head ruefully and pulled Joe away from the girl by the arm of his jacket when it was time to start moving the supplies. Joe helped readily enough Adam had to admit and even stood with him for a moment when they\u2019d finished, sharing a grin of accomplishment. They had been out of almost everything and there had been quite a bit to load up.<\/p>\n Of course, a second later, Joe got that light in his eyes that meant he was dreaming up some adventure that would undoubtedly just make Pa wince if he knew of it and then he was looking longingly toward the Bucket of Blood. Adam found that he was glancing that way too but recognized that fact that someone had to go the bank today.<\/p>\n “Go on, Joe,” he said with a little grin at Joe\u2019s amazed smile. Never one to let an opportunity pass, Joe turned around a second later looking ready to run all the way down the street and right through the saloon doors. Adam shook his head one more time and then looked up sharply when the stagecoach rushed down the street unsteadily.<\/p>\n “Joe!” he called out and Joe turned in time to see the stage and jump out of the way. Adam released a breath he hadn\u2019t realized he\u2019d been holding and for once felt thankful for the quickness and dexterity that had allowed Joe to sneak out of the house when he\u2019d been younger. It had definitely saved him here.<\/p>\n He ran over to help Joe up just as the coach pulled to a stop in front of Doc Martin\u2019s offices.<\/p>\n “Billy never could learn how to drive that thing slowly,” Joe muttered irritably, before looking up. Then he apparently noticed the same thing Adam had a second earlier, the deep scratches along one side of coach and the broken and splintered wood of the door that meant the coach had tipped over. They were over helping Billy pry open the stage door in less than a second.<\/p>\n “Is everyone all right?” Adam asked loudly right before the wood splintered one last time and the door swung open. A chorus of female voices answered him and he stopped to stare in surprise when a large woman dressed in a habit of a nun jumped awkwardly out of the stagecoach. He blinked when another nun followed her, this one tall and thin and looking anxiously behind her. They both had tan skin and dark eyes and they were both trying to peer inside the stagecoach worriedly.<\/p>\n “Serena, mi nina!” the big one called out and Adam remembered belatedly to see if they were ok. She smiled at him kindly when he touched her arm before looking back at the stage. The taller one sagged a little against him when he approached her and he realized that he was going to have to help support her for a while.<\/p>\n “<\/i>Estoy bien, Maria,” a girl\u2019s voice reassured the larger nun firmly from inside but the older women shook their heads. “Do not worry,” she said as if that would stop the women, who were worrying so much that they were clutching his arms rather painfully, but he had to admire anyone who would try.<\/p>\n “Su pierna, her leg, Senor,” the nun in his arms said to him with large eyes and he glanced over at Joe. Without a word Joe slipped inside the coach. A moment later Adam heard him laugh at something before he stepped back outside.<\/p>\n “She\u2019s fine,” he told the two women and then spoke to whoever was inside. “Just come on out as far as you can and I\u2019ll carry you out,” he said soothingly. A moment later a girl appeared in the opening. She was slouching a little to stand there and was holding her right leg in front of her in an odd position.<\/p>\n At first Adam thought she was child, since even standing straight she wouldn\u2019t have reached his shoulders and there was nothing about her figure to suggest that she was a woman. She was rail thin and her light hair was cut short around her face like a young boy\u2019s would be. But though she didn\u2019t have a wimple, she was wearing a plain black dress like the other two women.<\/p>\n She glanced around at the people gathered around the stage and then stared at him with wide eyes, though he barely had time to get a good look at her because one of the nuns was yanking on his shirt to get his attention.<\/p>\n “Su pierna!” she said insistently and Adam realized that the girl\u2019s leg must be broken. He turned back to her in time to see the girl\u2019s wide smile leave her face quickly when Joe picked her up and moved her leg. Then she bit her bottom lip and glanced up at Joe appealingly. Adam had to smile a little at Joe\u2019s very predictable reaction.<\/p>\n His little brother held the girl even closer and said something to her in a low voice that made her smile again. Smiling, she was a winsome little thing, but it would be good for Joe to remember the girl\u2019s traveling companions. At that Adam realized with a start that he had nearly forgotten them as well and looked back down into their smiling faces.<\/p>\n “He\u2019s going to take her to a doctor,” he said slowly and they nodded before thanking him in Spanish. Then he glanced up at Billy, who looked almost tearful.<\/p>\n “Took a turn too fast,” he said guiltily, “didn\u2019t mean to hurt no nuns.”<\/p>\n “Why don\u2019t you go see Roy about this and send a telegraph to your employers,” Adam suggested without the least sympathy, since Joe had been right before about Billy always driving too fast. Then he patted the large nun\u2019s back gently and steered her after Joe as he carried the girl into Doc Martin\u2019s.<\/p>\n Inside, the doctor was helping Joe set her down comfortably on his table. The girl looked up as they entered and managed to smile brilliantly at the older women who surrounded her instantly and began clucking at her in Spanish. They glared at Paul when he gently moved them aside to get a good look at her leg and then seemed surprised at themselves. Adam took one look at their faces as Paul felt around her injured leg and decided to distract them.<\/p>\n “Where were you headed?” he asked and Maria answered; she seemed to be in charge.<\/p>\n “We were going to a mission in Oregon,” she took her eyes off of the girl to answer. “They need sisters there.”<\/p>\n The other one apparently didn\u2019t speak much English, but she seemed to recognize Oregon. She looked worriedly at Sister Maria and asked something quickly about San Francisco and una barca.<\/p>\n “What\u2019s the matter?” Joe wondered and Maria turned to him to answer.<\/p>\n “We must meet a ship in San Francisco in three days,” she confessed and Adam glanced at Paul, who shook his head.<\/p>\n “I need to set this, Adam, and after that this young lady isn\u2019t going to want to be moved much for several weeks.” At his words everyone turned to look at the girl, who was watching the doctor with wide eyes.<\/p>\n “It is all right,” she said clearly after a moment and smiled again. “You need to go. You are needed there.” Her English was slightly formal and awkward, as if she hadn\u2019t spoken it in a while.<\/p>\n “Serena, nina,” Maria began determinedly but to Adam\u2019s surprise grew quiet when Serena shook her head. He got the feeling that Sister Maria was probably quite formidable but the girl just quieted her with a look.<\/p>\n “I will miss you, mamita, but I was going to leave anyway,” she added sincerely as a few tears fell down her cheeks. Maria looked like she should have said something forceful but the thinner nun took her arm and shook her head.<\/p>\n “You mean she\u2019s not a nun?” Joe asked curiously with a little grin and Adam sighed when the girl, Serena, looked at him and shook her head.<\/p>\n “But what will become of you here?” Maria asked angrily. “You cannot work with this leg!”<\/p>\n “Nuestro Padre me guiare,” Serena said with a grin that would have done Little Joe proud and Maria looked abashed. Adam wondered again at their odd relationship but before he could say anything Joe stood up excitedly.<\/p>\n “She can stay with us!” Joe burst out suddenly and Adam looked over at him with raised eyebrows, wondering what Pa would think of that. “Just until her leg heals, Adam,” he said in a more subdued tone when he caught his look. Maria looked at Joe and then to Adam when Joe nodded.<\/p>\n “You will care for mi nina?” Maria rounded on him with a vengeance and Adam had to fight the urge to press himself against the wall behind him. He was starting to feel a little sorry for the people in Oregon. He spared a moment to glare at Little Joe before looking the older woman in the eyes and nodding.<\/p>\n “She\u2019ll be fine with us, but you can always ask the sheriff or the doctor here if you are unsure.”<\/p>\n “The Cartwrights are good people,” Paul added quickly and Serena cleared her throat, drawing their attention again.<\/p>\n “I will stay with them!” she announced with a wide smile that somehow seemed to calm all the others in the room, though the two nuns were still wiping the tears from their eyes. Adam realized that he\u2019d momentarily forgotten about what Pa was going to say about their visitor when she\u2019d turned that smile on him. He shook his head at his foolishness and thought about his father\u2019s reaction again.<\/p>\n When Pa heard about the girl\u2019s situation, he\u2019d probably be very understanding, so that shouldn\u2019t be too big of a worry, he reasoned to himself. It occurred to him though that this little girl wasn\u2019t expressing much fear at the thought of being left alone with strangers, which meant she was very trusting or very na\u00efve, or both. Probably came with traveling with nuns. She probably thought it would be some adventure being here, he thought in amusement. He was proved right, in his opinion, a moment later.<\/p>\n “I would like to see more of Nevada, did I not say that just before we crashed?” she asked, almost answering his thought and the thin one nodded. Then Serena glanced up at him with an amused gaze. “I will not be too much trouble,” she said and Maria snorted. Their little interaction was interrupted by the doctor.<\/p>\n “I\u2019m going to set the bone now, Adam, could you come hold our patient?” he asked but before he could move Joe volunteered and hurried across the room to stand next to her. “This is going to hurt, child,” Paul said quietly but to Adam\u2019s surprise she just nodded and took Joe\u2019s hand without a word.<\/p>\n Though he had sat through this many times before, Adam couldn\u2019t help but worry about how the frail little girl was going to take it. But though she was crying silently when it was over she sat perfectly still as Doc Martin wound the bandage. And then, to his amusement, she took Joe\u2019s handkerchief right out of his pocket and blew her nose noisily without the least bit of embarrassment. Any girl that could handle herself as well as that shouldn\u2019t be too much trouble. And Joe would probably be keeping a close eye on her, if he could be counted as someone completely concerned with the girl\u2019s welfare. Adam grinned at that. But in either case, Joe was right, they couldn\u2019t just leave her stranded in town. She would probably be a nice quiet guest, he reasoned logically, there shouldn\u2019t be a problem.<\/p>\n *****<\/p>\n Sure enough, the trip to the ranch the next day went very smoothly. The girl had been quiet for most of the trip, probably due as much to her farewells to the two nuns the day before as to the small dose of whatever drug Doc Martin had given her to ease her journey. But even if she had been upset, Adam doubted that she could have stayed that way for very long. Not with a concerned and attentive Little Joe sitting in the back of the wagon with her.<\/p>\n His little brother had been at his charming best all day in an effort to distract Serena from the pains in her leg and from the sounds of her laughter Adam could only assume he\u2019d succeeded. He\u2019d heard Hoss mentioned a few times and shook his head as he thought of how Hoss had fallen down the stairs this morning trying to put on his boots and run down to breakfast at the same time. Every year it was like this. It was the one thing about spring that Adam could do without. Well, that and all the damned mud that made the simplest task seem to take forever.<\/p>\n The mud reminded him of the conditions of the road and he slowed down the wagon again though they were close to home. He knew what it was like to be jostled around when you had a broken bone and was trying not to bounce Serena around too much. Not that she\u2019d complained. Like before in the doctor\u2019s office she seemed to accept the pain in her leg calmly, which he guessed was also somehow related to her living with the nuns. He had some questions about that, but he didn\u2019t think she was ready to answer them yet. And anyway, he didn\u2019t want to interrupt her conversation with Joe. Joe would probably never forgive him.<\/p>\n At that, he smiled wickedly to himself and decided to interrupt them after all. Why the hell not? Teasing Joe was always fun. He cleared his throat and turned his head to the side so they could hear him.<\/p>\n “Are you all right back there, Serena?” he called out in the middle of Joe saying something. She sounded lively enough when she answered him.<\/p>\n “Si, yes, I\u2019m fine.”<\/p>\n “Sorry the Ponderosa wasn\u2019t at its best for your visit,” he said, referring the mostly brown landscape but she just laughed again. Her laugh was light and genuine and made him smile in return.<\/p>\n “I do not mind it. It is not much like Mexico but I did not expect it to be.”<\/p>\n “You were living in Mexico?” he asked in surprise as they wagon pulled into the yard.<\/p>\n “That\u2019s what she was just telling me,” Joe grumbled at him and Adam laughed. He jumped down from the wagon, and since Joe would probably taking it upon himself to carry her into the house the way he\u2019d taken it upon himself to carry her to the wagon, Adam grabbed her small bag of belongings and waited for Joe to finish playing white knight to her damsel in distress.<\/p>\n “Our mission was near the border of what you call Arizona,” she explained and then looked over the porch with open curiosity.<\/p>\n “What were you doing there?” he asked as he held open the door for the two of them to pass through and smiled as Joe gave him a look that said he could have done it. Joe really must be smitten with their little almost-nun. Adam raised one eyebrow back at his little brother before turning back to Serena. She was staring at the inside of the house with as much wonder as she\u2019d stared at the Sierras on the way there. When she\u2019d apparently looked her fill for the time being, she turned back to him.<\/p>\n “My parents were missionaries and we came to Mexico when I was around sixteen. But I do not think the climate there agreed with them. They died shortly afterwards and the sisters took me in.” Her eyes were bright with tears as she related this information but she didn\u2019t cry or lose her gentle smile. “They were good people and I will miss them, just as I will miss the sisters. Their loss pains me, but it brings me joy to think of them.”<\/p>\n Little Joe set her down softly on the settee and then helped her prop her leg up with pillow as she spoke. She looked away from Adam to smile at him while Adam was wondering how she could seem so accepting of her losses, or how she\u2019d decided to leave the sisters at all, if they were the family she had left. It must have been incredibly difficult to leave them. He thought of how fulfilling his years at school had been, but how he\u2019d needed finally to come back home to be with his family.<\/p>\n “It was difficult,” she said quietly and he jumped at how she\u2019d seemed to read his mind before he could control himself, “but I knew I had to.”<\/p>\n “Well, is this the young woman who will be our guest for the next few weeks?” Pa asked cheerfully from the top of the stairs before Adam could ask why she\u2019d “had” to. Pa came down with a smile and not a word about how her feet were on the settee. That apparently was only forbidden to Joe. He shook her hand warmly and then blinked several times at her smile, before smiling back at her rather foolishly. It was nice to know that Serena\u2019s smile had that effect on everyone.<\/p>\n Adam had been blindsided by it again that morning when he\u2019d arrived with Joe to pick her up. Remembering how he\u2019d blinked in stunned surprise before getting a good look at the similar poleaxed expression on his little brother\u2019s face, Adam shook his head in amusement.<\/p>\n That amusement turned to worry a moment later when he heard his normally quiet brother Hoss making his way noisily downstairs. He could only hope that Hoss\u2019 tonic had kicked in, otherwise they all might be accidentally trampled. But he knew he was dreaming when he saw that expression in Hoss\u2019 eyes that Joe said meant he could hear wild geese calling. That was the most dangerous time of all. They were going to have to keep him away from Serena. Hoss meant well, but his accidents this time of year tended to be either costly or painful.<\/p>\n Hoss made it downstairs without incident but didn\u2019t appear to notice their guest at all. He just smiled at them all and disappeared into the kitchen. Serena looked confused for a moment and then just laughed softly at Joe\u2019s exasperated expression. Adam was surprised at his own urge to laugh; usually he was just too wary of Hoss in the spring to find his antics amusing. He had controlled it by the time Hoss came back in though, even though he could hear Hop Sing\u2019s rantings quite clearly.<\/p>\n “Hey, Adam, Pa, what are y\u2019all doin\u2019 in here in the middle of the day?” he asked with a frown and Pa laughed.<\/p>\n “I stayed home to meet our guest,” he said and pointed to the couch. Hoss followed his finger and then jumped. Joe snickered quietly.<\/p>\n “Ma\u2019am,” he said belatedly and then seemed to remember that they\u2019d discussed Serena the night before.<\/p>\n “I\u2019m pleased to meet you, Hoss,” she said, sounding like she meant it despite how he\u2019d overlooked her a minute ago, and she must have smiled at him too because his eyes actually cleared of their feverish light for a minute.<\/p>\n “I hope you will like it here, child,” Pa said reassuringly and she nodded.<\/p>\n “I am sure I will.” She grinned to herself at something and suddenly looked very mischievous, almost like she had when she\u2019d said she wouldn\u2019t be any trouble. “In fact I wish my leg were better so that I could explore your rancho.”<\/p>\n “You want to go explorin\u2019?” Hoss asked in amazement and she nodded again.<\/p>\n “I love it. Sister Maria was forever punishing me for wandering away but I have always felt the need to search and discover my surroundings and see new places. That is why I was going with them to Oregon.”<\/p>\n “She said she wants to go Europe someday, and maybe even Australia,” Joe added excitedly and Adam felt his eyebrows go up on their own. That little thing in Australia? He could just see her calmly facing down one of those wild dogs he\u2019d read about with one of her smiles before spiriting off to some adventure with no idea of the danger she was in. She was probably worse than Joe. She needed someone to look after her as much as he did.<\/p>\n “Well for the time being she isn\u2019t going anywhere, except up to her room,” Pa interrupted with an amused look at Little Joe. “If you would carry her there, son\u2026” he trailed off as Joe jumped at the chance to carry her again.<\/p>\n “Pa, I could\u2026” Hoss began and the three of them yelled out “No!” in panicked unison. Serena just laughed and turned her amazing smile on all of them again. There was something so beautifully accepting about her smile. Adam had to remind himself of what they were so worried about again and frowned at the idea that he could have forgotten. It was ridiculous. She couldn\u2019t possibly be aware of the affect that smile had.<\/p>\n “I think Joe\u2019s got it, Hoss,” Adam said dryly a minute later as the two of them disappeared up the stairs together. “We need to get to work,” he added, surprised at how reluctant he sounded, not that anyone noticed, the others were staring upstairs with bemused expressions. It was still so muddy outside, he told himself, nobody would want to work today. But the work had to get done; the thought brought him out of the daze he was in. Still, he glanced upstairs one more time when he heard her laughing with Joe before shrugging and turning to Hoss and Pa, who were now staring at him with huge smiles on their faces.<\/p>\n “Adam, she\u2019s like\u2026” Hoss began and stopped as if he couldn\u2019t find the words.<\/p>\n “She\u2019s just a slip of a girl, Hoss,” he answered in amusement, not allowing Hoss to finish, then shook his head once more at their foolishness and headed outside.<\/p>\n *****<\/p>\n \u2018Just a slip of a girl\u2019 seemed somehow like a horribly inadequate description to Adam just a little over a week after he\u2019d said that to Hoss. Not that he\u2019d ever admit that now, if anybody had dared to throw his words back in his face, because if he continued to describe her as a tiny little thing it seemed all the more ridiculous how completely she had enslaved everyone and everything on the ranch. There wasn\u2019t a man or beast on the Ponderosa that wouldn\u2019t do anything she asked if she smiled at them. He couldn\u2019t figure it out himself, she was hardly a vision of feminine perfection. But the fact remained that he was less upset than he should be at the thought of playing nursemaid this morning because he was playing nursemaid to Serena.<\/p>\n He just knew that once he got upstairs and gave her breakfast tray she would smile at him warmly and for a second he wouldn\u2019t feel so silly at carrying up the ridiculously large breakfast Hop Sing had made especially for her on the tray which was literally overflowing with the flowers that Hoss had picked for her before he\u2019d left to work with Pa. The flowers would make her happy though, Adam thought absently, considering how the simplest things, even him walking into the room, could light up her face with happiness. Thinking of it made him smile for a moment too, until he realized that he was standing in the hallway smiling to himself. Then he frowned<\/p>\n He shouldn\u2019t have to be doing this, he reminded himself. If Joe hadn\u2019t been spending so much time with Serena that he\u2019d neglected his work, he wouldn\u2019t have had to leave early this morning to do the extra work that Pa had assigned him as punishment. And then taking Serena her breakfast wouldn\u2019t have become Adam\u2019s job. He had a million other things he needed to be doing today, not staying behind to lug this damn thing upstairs. And he couldn\u2019t just drop it off, no, he was supposed to stay to make sure she ate, since Hop Sing thought she was too thin. She wasn\u2019t too thin, she looked fine. His frowned deepened. And he was pretty sure that Joe had eaten more of her food than she had.<\/p>\n On that thought he pushed open her door with his shoulder and stepped into her room before sliding the tray carefully onto the bureau near the door. Then he paused for a second, wondering at the heaviness of the food. She was supposed to eat all of that? Even Hoss couldn\u2019t finish that pile of eggs and bacon alone. Shaking his head, he turned around, expecting to see her sitting up and waiting since he hadn\u2019t exactly been quiet but she was still curled up on her side, asleep. He froze for a minute, unsure of what to do about this and then decided that since Hop Sing would insist that she eat he was going to have to wake her up.<\/p>\n He crossed to the bed and leaned over her, noting how she\u2019d kicked aside most of her blankets. Another restless sleeper. That made him smile a little until he noticed the pillow she was holding tightly in her arms, her face buried in its softness. He would have said that she had been frightened in her sleep, except for the hint of a smile on her lips. It was quite unlike her usual smile, there was something, smug, about this. Or maybe possessive was a better word. And judging from how closely she was holding it, whatever, or whoever, she thought it was, she wasn\u2019t about to let it go easily. He wondered if maybe he shouldn\u2019t wake her. But the thought of an angry Hop Sing could scare even the most hardened of men, so after some debate he reached out one hand and lightly touched the blankets over her hip. Her eyes opened immediately.<\/p>\n “Adam,” she said and blinked before relaxing her hold on the pillow. “I was dreaming.” She confessed that in the same simple, honest way she\u2019d spoken of the desert vistas in Mexico and the beauty of a cactus rose. It made him wonder what she\u2019d been dreaming of. Well, before he remembered that he had things to do. He wiped the curious expression off his face and turned back to get the tray.<\/p>\n “I dreamt I found what I was searching for,” she told him and sat up eagerly. She took the tray from him while he was staring at her in astonishment.<\/p>\n “How do you do that?” he demanded before he could think better of it, since this was at least the fifth time she had answered a question he knew he hadn\u2019t asked. She grinned up at him and took a sip of milk. She licked her milk mustache off before answering. He muttered to himself under his breath.<\/p>\n “I can see what you are thinking in your face,” she said as if this were obvious and Adam thought back to his brief relationship with a woman from town a few years ago. Patricia had finally ended it, declaring in disgust that he was too private and never let her know what he was feeling. He realized that Serena was watching him intently and deliberately closed off his expression. “Well, most of the time anyway,” she sighed regretfully. “When you forget others are watching. I am curious why though.” She glanced up at him hopefully but he was in control of himself again. He just raised one eyebrow and pointed to the steaming pile of eggs on her plate.<\/p>\n She immediately took a bite and smiled in apparent enjoyment. Considering how she\u2019d stood up to Sister Maria, he assumed that she must have wanted to eat. Nevertheless, as he sat down in a chair near the bed and made himself comfortable; he felt quite confident that she would be done soon and he could leave.<\/p>\n Serena took another sip of milk and this time left the mustache there. It was sort of charming, but it made her look even younger and he wondered how old she was. Probably the same age as Joe. They certainly seemed to get along well and they definitely shared the same sense of humor. He could hear them laughing together downstairs late at night before Joe carried her back upstairs to bed.<\/p>\n “Want some?” she offered around a bite of toast and he shook his head. “It\u2019s good, but Joe usually helps me finish it off,” she added merrily.<\/p>\n “I suppose you\u2019re wondering where Joe is this morning?” he asked instead of commenting on that and she gave him an odd look before nodding. “He had to go work on some chores he\u2019s been neglecting lately.”<\/p>\n “Ranching is hard work,” Serena commented with a questioning look and he nodded. “You leave very early, and you return very late. What do you do when you are out there?”<\/p>\n “Well, it depends on the time of year, but there\u2019s roundup, and fence repair, and branding, plus the big cattle drives when we need the deliver the product. Then there\u2019s horsebreaking when it\u2019s necessary and other more mundane jobs, like keeping the barn clean and in good condition, or taking care of the other animals around here, or checking the equipment. Of course, this is not including the timber operations.” He could have gone on, but stopped there since her eyes had gotten wide.<\/p>\n “You do all of that?” she asked and he nodded before he realized what she meant.<\/p>\n “No, well yes, I do that, but not alone. I work with my family and the hands.”<\/p>\n “Good. That is too much of a burden for one man.” This time she nodded firmly and went back to eating her eggs. She wasn\u2019t touching her bacon and he couldn\u2019t see why not, it smelled pretty good. He reached over and hooked himself a piece. He gave her a look in case she said anything but she just pushed the rest of the bacon his way without a word.<\/p>\n “Well, it\u2019s less of a burden when Joe helps,” he said as sternly as he could around a mouthful of delicious bacon, just so she understood why Joe couldn\u2019t spend all of his time in here with her.<\/p>\n “Is that why you seemed angry when you first were here? Because Joe was not helping?” she wondered in an innocent tone, but with that mischievous grin. He tried to frown at her but she smiled at him serenely and he forgot what he\u2019d been about to say. “But at least you are not angry now,” she added. He closed his open mouth. No, he wasn\u2019t, he recognized with surprise but then ruined it by scowling again. She had to know the effect that her smile had on people.<\/p>\n He didn\u2019t know how anybody raised by missionaries and nuns could be so manipulative, but he intended to find out. He\u2019d just realized that this was the first time that he\u2019d been around her without a concerned family member or attentive field hand hadn\u2019t been in the room as well and it was a perfect time to bring up the subject.<\/p>\n “Why didn\u2019t you become a nun?” he demanded, glancing at the Bible and rosary on her night table. She raised her eyebrows as if surprised.<\/p>\n “Why aren\u2019t you an architect? Little Joe said you studied to become one,” she said calmly and then before he think of anything more mature to say than \u2018I asked you first\u2019 she answered her own question. “It is not what I was meant to be. Religion is a part of my life, but it is not my life in the way that it is for Sister Maria.”<\/p>\n “You\u2019re that sure?” he asked doubtfully and she smiled again. She was looking directly into his eyes and Adam could see that there wasn\u2019t a bit of doubt or uncertainty in her warm, hazel eyes that she had made the wrong decision. She was as serene as he imagined Joan of Arc had been starting her quest. She knew exactly who she was and where she was going, he thought vaguely and blinked before looking away. “Wasn\u2019t it hard to leave your friends and family?”<\/p>\n “We all have to do what we feel is best,” she answered sincerely.<\/p>\n “Going to go explore the world?” he asked to change the subject and she nodded and pushed away the tray. It was still half full and he absently picked up her fork and began working his way through her leftover eggs. “It\u2019s only been a week and I don\u2019t think the hands could live without you. I\u2019d say you\u2019d captured the affections of at least a dozen men,” he remarked casually and noticed her blank stare. Were there no men in Mexico? She looked like she was about to ask for an explanation though, so he moved on, in a teasing tone.\u00a0 “Yep, you\u2019ll definitely be missed around here,” he glanced back up at her, “especially by Joe.”<\/p>\n “I will miss him too,” she said warmly and Adam put the fork back down. He\u2019d eaten enough to make Hop Sing happy. He stood up slowly and then carefully moved every flower from the tray to an empty space on her dresser.<\/p>\n “Well, if you\u2019re done, I\u2019ve got to get to work,” he declared when he\u2019d finished.<\/p>\n “Of course you do,” she said with that little grin and then rested her hands in her lap and stared at him expectantly. He stared back for a moment before frowning.<\/p>\n “Hop Sing should be up in a little bit. I\u2019ve got to get to work,” he said again and this time actually left the room. Of course, he stopped outside in the hallway a moment later when it occurred to him that he\u2019d hadn\u2019t asked what she was searching for. Not that it mattered. She\u2019d probably just smile sweetly at him and not answer. She could be as sneaky as Joe, he decided, thinking over their encounter and the eggs he\u2019d somehow ended up eating. His little brother could have his little nun, Adam thought firmly as he headed downstairs, milk mustaches and all.<\/p>\n *****<\/p>\n “So we could send Hank up to\u2026” Adam trailed off when he looked up and saw that his father\u2019s gaze had drifted over to the little group by the fireplace again. There was a wide smile on Pa\u2019s face and he even chuckled quietly to himself before apparently remembering that Adam had been talking and looked back at him guiltily. Adam just shook his head and began neatly stacking the paperwork on the desk around him, while Serena\u2019s light laughter filled the house.<\/p>\n To be honest he also found the game of charades going on between his two brothers and their guest to be much more interesting than the accounts. Well, his brothers were actually doing the acting, Serena was doing the guessing, but they all seemed to having a much better evening than he was. Though tired, he\u2019d actually been headed into town for an evening out alone, but Pa had asked him to help with the account books and the payroll, so he\u2019d stayed. He raised one eyebrow at Pa, just to remind him of that, and then got up while Pa was waving an apology at him.<\/p>\n Serena was giggling helplessly on the settee and he stopped behind her to see why. Then he started to laugh too. It was hard not to. Serena\u2019s laughter was catching and his brothers looked completely ridiculous. Whatever Joe and Hoss were doing, it apparently involved imitating some sort of passionate embrace. He couldn\u2019t figure out who was supposed to be the girl in the pair though. Joe was technically being held in Hoss\u2019 arms, but they might be doing an opera. Luckily for Joe, Hoss\u2019 tonic must have finally started to work after several weeks of steady doses. Otherwise Joe wouldn\u2019t have come within ten feet of his larger brother. It looked like fun and for a moment he considered joining in.<\/p>\n Serena finally called out “Antony and Cleopatra!” triumphantly just as Joe looked to be in the midst of a very serious and energetic fight with a snake. Joe nodded and then glowered up at him when Adam began clapping at his performance. The glower faded immediately when his little brother looked down at Serena and saw whatever expression was on her face. He stayed where he was, staring down at her, until Hoss came up to get Serena\u2019s approval as well. He also seemed to glow at her look, but when Adam glanced back at Joe he saw something much warmer in Joe\u2019s eyes. Something that generally only meant one thing where Joe was concerned, that he\u2019d become completely infatuated, again, with a female visitor to the ranch. Luckily for Joe, his crushes were usually reciprocated, and this time didn\u2019t look to be any different.<\/p>\n Serena patted Joe\u2019s hand briefly and Joe looked happier than when Adam had seen him get much more from a young lady as a token of appreciation for whatever juvenile silliness he had just done. That was different.<\/p>\n Alarmed, Adam glanced at Pa and saw him nodding approval at the whole situation. A few months ago Pa had declared decisively that Joe was too young to get serious. Joe was still too young in Adam\u2019s opinion. They both were. And Joe certainly wouldn\u2019t be able to go traipsing around the world with her. He frowned disapprovingly down at all of them until he heard Serena laugh again.<\/p>\n “You could play too, Adam, if Joe\u2019s performance bothers you so much,” she said with a teasing grin. Her head was resting on the back of the settee so she could stare at him upside down.<\/p>\n “Adam!” Joe said incredulously and Hoss guffawed. Adam agreed that it was a foolish idea, but he didn\u2019t particularly care for their laughter. He raised his eyebrows at both of them and was about to shake his head in refusal when Serena smiled at him encouragingly.<\/p>\n “Adam?” was all she said but he somehow found himself standing awkwardly in front of the fireplace next to Joe, with Serena, Pa, and Hoss gazing at him expectantly a moment later.<\/p>\n “What\u2019s the category?” he asked with a long sigh, pinching his nose just to make sure everyone knew that this was not his idea.<\/p>\n “Famous lovers,” Hoss answered with slightly pink cheeks and Adam\u2019s eyebrows rose again.<\/p>\n “Whose idea was that?”<\/p>\n “Joe\u2019s,” Serena volunteered innocently and Adam turned to Little Joe, who didn\u2019t even try to look embarrassed. Maybe his joining the game wasn\u2019t such a bad idea, since when Joe had suggested that category, he\u2019d probably thought that Serena would be doing more than guessing. Adam\u2019s mouth twitched but he managed to control himself and think of a topic. He whispered it to Joe, who grinned conspiratorially at him and kindly opted to play the female role again after Adam made sure that his facial expression said that he was not going to be the girl in this silly game.<\/p>\n Feeling more than a little ridiculous, he half-scooped up Joe in his arms and pulled him several feet across the floor, while brandishing an imaginary sword. He stopped the minute he heard a giggle and lowered his arm. He looked over at Serena and saw her smile encouragingly at him again. She looked impossibly happy about something. With a sigh he glanced down at Joe, who was grinning widely and considered trying a different scene. One with a little more dignity.<\/p>\n He exchanged a long look with Joe and smiled when Joe seemed to understand what he was thinking. Adam suddenly stood straighter and raised his chin, trying as hard as he could to look like an imposing king. Next to him Joe was doing his best to be a blushing bride. For moment Adam forgot himself enough to laugh, but quickly smothered it. They enacted a little wedding scene and then changed places again, Adam becoming a dashing knight again and Joe looking afraid as they were running for their lives. He was just drawing his sword to fight their pursuers when Serena laughingly called out the answer.<\/p>\n “Lancelot and Guinevere!” she exclaimed and Adam blinked before remembering that he wasn\u2019t running away with his true love and that he wasn\u2019t actually being pursued. “That was very good!” she continued, sounding delighted and Adam shared a triumphant look with Joe at the praise.<\/p>\n “It really was. Maybe you two should consider an acting career together,” Pa joked, making Adam scowl at him half-heartedly. Then he smiled.<\/p>\n “It was good wasn\u2019t it?” he asked them all, feeling quite pleased with himself for some reason.<\/p>\n “Who knew you had it in you, older brother?” Joe teased.<\/p>\n “I did,” Serena said smugly and Adam would have looked at her scornfully, but stopped himself. She seemed to know anyway, with her little grin, and he remembered her words about reading his expressions. She\u2019d been joking then, he was sure, but he sat down quickly so he wouldn\u2019t have to play again just the same. What the hell kind of mission did she come from? “Maybe you could join us on our picnic?” she asked him suddenly and Adam looked up sharply just as Joe did the same.<\/p>\n “But I thought\u2026” Joe began and then trailed off at Pa\u2019s amused look. He glared at Adam briefly and Adam realized that Joe had apparently planned some sort of picnic to be alone with their guest. But Serena, it seemed, did not understand this. He should really say no, it would only be fair to Joe, who had probably planned this whole thing quite carefully.<\/p>\n “What picnic is this now?” Hoss asked with interest, although probably more at the thought of the food Hop Sing would make than at the company or the prospect of eating outdoors.<\/p>\n “The high meadows should be green by now, and Serena\u2019s well enough to move. I thought she\u2019d enjoy herself up there,” Joe grumbled and Adam felt himself smirking. He\u2019d bet. It was too bad that he\u2019d just been invited. Hoss could be gotten rid off, but Joe knew that Adam would be a little harder to distract. If Serena had been less innocent, she would have known that and never have invited him along. Of course, if Serena had been a different type of girl, this situation would not have come up. He sighed. If it was serious, he really should give his kid brother a break.<\/p>\n He moved his gaze from Joe to Serena to refuse the offer and saw a day of rest and sunshine up in the high meadow reflected in her eyes.<\/p>\n “That sounds great,” he answered and then promptly forgot why he hadn\u2019t been going to say that when she smiled at him.<\/p>\n “Just great,” Joe muttered under his breath and Adam blinked before looking up at him. Then he remembered.<\/p>\n “I\u2019m sure you\u2019ll have a great time, Joe,” he grinned at his youngest brother. He never could resist the opportunity to needle Joe.<\/p>\n “I know I\u2019m looking forward to it,” Serena added in that same innocent tone and Joe suddenly looked much brighter.<\/p>\n “Really?” he leaned forward to ask and whispered something to her that made her laugh softly.<\/p>\n “When is this supposed to be?” Adam wondered irritably to the room at large and Joe tossed the answer over his shoulder as he sat down next to Serena.<\/p>\n “Saturday,” he said carelessly.<\/p>\n “Is the game over?” Hoss asked almost forlornly.<\/p>\n “I suppose it is,” Adam answered him as he stood up. For a second he stared down at the couple on the couch and then he looked back up at his father. “Back to work?” he asked in a tone that he knew Pa would consider unacceptable but didn\u2019t bother apologizing for. He was tired. Maybe a day up in the meadow really would do him some good. It was probably for the best that he\u2019d said yes.<\/p>\n *****<\/p>\n Pieces of the dream were still floating around his mind, tugging at his memory and making him smile. His. That word stood out clearly, more than anything else, but even as he wondered what that meant, it slipped away, to be replaced with a growing awareness of his surroundings. He felt warmth first, and the red light of the sun on his eyelids. Then the smooth feel of the fresh spring grass tickling his face. There was a tickle on his palm too, and as he gradually became aware of the position of his body he realized that he was laying on the grass, with his right arm outstretched on the ground next to him, his fingers curled up as if he had been reaching for something.<\/p>\n Confused, he opened his eyes and saw the green grass of the high meadow where Joe had chosen to stop. Joe. The picnic. Serena. Images of their laughter and playfulness during lunch came back to him. He remembered now. He lifted his hand to wipe the sleep from his face and heard a disappointed sigh from somewhere to his right. He turned immediately and blinked at the sight of Serena sitting against a tree trunk and watching him with an amused little smile. She was only a few feet away.<\/p>\n The outside air and sunshine were doing her good, he decided absently. Her skin was pink and she had almost as much color as she\u2019d had when he\u2019d first seen her. It probably also helped that she was no longer wearing that potato sack of a dress that the nuns had given her. Joe had gone into town to buy her a wardrobe a few days ago and Adam had to admit that Joe had known exactly what to dress the girl in, but he decided not to ask Joe how he\u2019d acquired such expertise in women\u2019s fashion that he\u2019d known not only that the shade of green Serena was wearing now would bring out her eyes but how the cut also made it impossible for anyone to ever mistake her gender again. Not that she still wasn\u2019t just a little slip of a thing.<\/p>\n Where was Joe anyway? he wondered anxiously as he sat up. You\u2019d think he would have taken Serena off somewhere while he\u2019d been out. Adam certainly would have at his age. Instead Joe was gone and she had just been sitting there for who knows how long, watching him sleep. Alarmed for some reason he cleared his throat but she spoke before he got a chance to.<\/p>\n “Go back to sleep,” she ordered quietly but he ignored her. He had been tired but how could he have fallen asleep like that? Even as he wondered about it, he recognized that it had been some time since he had felt so rested, or so peaceful as he had felt upon waking.<\/p>\n “Where\u2019s Joe?” he asked, but realized it had been more of a demand when she frowned slightly. He didn\u2019t apologize though and after a minute she sighed again.<\/p>\n “Hoss took him to go look at something. I wouldn\u2019t let them disturb you.”<\/p>\n “I fell asleep?” His amazed comment was really meant for himself but she answered him anyway.<\/p>\n “Why not? You looked tired. You still do. Why don\u2019t you go back to sleep?” Her voice was so soft that he actually felt his eyes droop closed for a moment before he opened them wide.<\/p>\n “Can\u2019t,” he answered her shortly and then scowled. “I wouldn\u2019t be so tired if you and Joe weren\u2019t up talking until all hours,” he confessed rudely and immediately felt ashamed of himself. He really was acting like a kid lately. He didn\u2019t apologize for this either, but he got the impression from her smile that she knew that he had wanted to. That, or she imagined that he\u2019d meant something else by that comment, which was ridiculous, if she did. Ridiculous. But she spoke again before he could set her straight.<\/p>\n “Can\u2019t?” she asked with a little laugh and looked down at something in her lap. “Are you standing guard?” she asked as if that were funny and he glanced pointedly at his gunbelt and gun, lying on the ground next to his hat and the picnic basket. Someone had to pay attention out here, even if the chances of an attack from a trespasser were slim; there was always the possibility of an encounter with a wild animal. That he\u2019d fallen asleep was inexcusable with her around, unable to even run with that leg. When he just frowned and didn\u2019t reply to what she\u2019d said, she smiled her beautiful little smile and leaned forward, stretching her arms out towards him.<\/p>\n He was leaning forward before he\u2019d even realized what he was doing. The world seemed to go very still, or maybe it was his imagination, but he would swear that the only sound in the world was his heartbeat in his ears as she reached for him. He froze, waiting, but only air brushed against the skin of his face. He felt something fall lightly on top of his ears and saw her pleased smile as she lowered her hands. Maybe he did need more sleep, he thought as he blinked several times. That was the only explanation for his behavior. As if Serena had been going to\u2026 He didn\u2019t finish the thought, and instead shook his head firmly to clear it.<\/p>\n The action caused whatever she placed on his head to slip even more, so that he could just see a long white petal in front of one eye. Gingerly, he reached up to feel the several delicate stems that had been linked together before glaring at her in confusion. She had crowned him with a daisy chain. He reached up again to remove it but stopped when her smile slipped.<\/p>\n “What is this?” he asked angrily.<\/p>\n “It is a crown for the king of pain and sacrifice,” she said seriously but smiling to herself at something. Adam sat up straight, moving himself away from her in the process.<\/p>\n “Meaning?” he asked coldly to cover the hurt he felt. That no one asked him to stand guard didn\u2019t make his job any less important, or any less necessary. It certainly wasn\u2019t foolish, but that\u2019s how he\u2019d felt when she\u2019d called him the king of pain. Her eyes flashed with something that could have been temper, surprising him. It was the first he had seen from her.<\/p>\n “Would you like to hear about my life at the mission now?” she offered casually instead of answering his question. She didn\u2019t look bothered by his anger at all now. She was a serene little creature again. He stared down at her coolly and didn\u2019t answer, but somehow he knew that she would just keep talking anyway. “From the way I have described it to you, it must have seemed\u2026ideal, is that the word?” After a moment he nodded and she continued.<\/p>\n “You have thought me childish, si? Or foolish? That I did not see the poor, or the starving peones who came to mission for help when their masters turned them away? Or the dirty, cracked mission walls that were in danger of falling down every day I was there? There are snakes too, in the desert that I told your family was beautiful, snakes that could bite through your boot and you would be dead before you would even see them. Greedy men also lived there, in Mexico. And then there were many outlaws who robbed our poor mission more than once. I was not blind to these things.”<\/p>\n Her gaze was steady and he leaned forward again without noticing. He had wondered about how Mexico could possibly be the place of constant beauty that she had described. No place was like that that he knew of. No place had no pain, or danger, or suffering, not even this meadow at this moment. He\u2019d figured she\u2019d just been a naive kid with a romantic view of life.<\/p>\n “Two months after I came to the mission, two months after my parents died and I was a grieving child with no family left, there was a plague. A sickness that later the American doctors who came called typhoid. For months there was only the smell of sickness and death. The desert seemed horrible to me then. But the only help was at the mission and I worked with the sisters without sleep until it was over. They told me that I could get sick, but I worked anyway and when it was finally over many were dead. But more were living and these people were now my friends, my family. And I stayed with them in the desert and they showed me how flowers can bloom even the desert and taught me to look up to the beauty of the sky at night. Do you understand, Adam?” She whispered his name and he looked back into her eyes and saw tears shining in them, tears that she made no attempt to hide.<\/p>\n But he shook his head, too caught up in the image of her at sixteen, struggling to save people in what must have been a horrific situation. He remembered when he had been that age and felt something echo hollowly inside of him. He opened his mouth to speak but she wasn\u2019t done.<\/p>\n “Everywhere I go I try to see both the beauty and the ugliness. I see that you are surrounded by these high mountains and how you live next to the blue lake that takes my breath away. But I also see the work that goes into your rancho, and I notice how sometimes you fight with Joe when you should not and how this hurts Hoss and your father. I also know that there has been sadness in your house, from what Little Joe has told me, but at the same time, I can see how much you all love and care for each other. If you did not, you wouldn\u2019t fight, si?” She wiped the tears from her eyes and gave him a watery, incredibly beautiful smile that made his breath catch in his throat. He thought for a moment, that he shouldn\u2019t blink, so that he could see her like this as long as possible.<\/p>\n “There is pain in the world, Adam,” she continued, “that I can see in your eyes you are thinking of now. But there is happiness as well, they go together and are shared by everyone, you simply have to let them both in. You already have, a little, with your family. It is the same with people as it is with places. There are those willing to share your burdens, and show you the beauty, if you would let them.”<\/p>\n There was a moment of silence after she\u2019d finished and then Adam cleared his throat and stood up, nonchalantly brushing the grass off his clothes before looking back at her.<\/p>\n “You\u2019re just a little ray of sunshine, aren\u2019t you?” He\u2019d meant the words to be sarcastic. Instead the words came out in a rough whisper, as if he were struggling to keep himself from saying something else. But like she had before, she seemed to already know that. She was still smiling.<\/p>\n “Stay,” she asked quietly and her eyes were the warmest he had ever seen them. He stared back down at her for a long time and was surprised to suddenly realize that she was anxious about something. He couldn\u2019t say how he knew that for sure; maybe it was in how carefully she was watching him or in how her hands were trembling in her lap.<\/p>\n “Serena,” he began, not sure of what he was going to say, and then looked up sharply at the sound of approaching footsteps.<\/p>\n “You finally up, Adam?” Joe called out cheerfully as he appeared over a little hill close by. Hoss was behind him and they both had huge grins on their faces. Adam took a few quick steps towards his brothers and managed to smile at both of them.<\/p>\n “What\u2019s so funny?” he asked Hoss as Joe headed right past him towards Serena.<\/p>\n “Found the purtiest little valley, Adam. Joe reckoned we oughta take Serena to go see it. Make her smile fit to bust.” Hoss looked very pleased at the idea and Adam turned back to see what Serena would think of it, eager to catch her smile as well.<\/p>\n She was smiling. Smiling widely and laughing as she held up her arms in order for his little brother to pick her up. When he did, and spun her around in a circle, she shrieked happily and threw her arms around his neck. Adam turned back to Hoss, whose eyes were twinkling at something.<\/p>\n “What\u2019s this, Adam?” he asked and reached towards the daisy chain Serena had placed on his head.<\/p>\n “It\u2019s mine!” Adam snapped at his younger brother before he could stop himself then cursed at his thoughtlessness when he saw the hurt in Hoss\u2019 blue eyes.<\/p>\n He struggled to compose himself for a moment and then tried to smile. “Well, let\u2019s see this valley,” he said in a more reasonable voice, holding the chain in his hands, and just walked ahead when Hoss gave him a confused look.<\/p>\n *****<\/p>\n I wonder what time it is,<\/i>\u00a0Adam thought vaguely as he walked out of the barn and headed toward the house. He paused for a moment to stare up at the dark night sky and noticed with surprise that there was no moon. No wonder it had taken him so long to get home, he reflected wisely, it wasn\u2019t one too many beers at the Bucket of Blood like he\u2019d first thought. Of course, a tiny voice in his head nagged, indicating that he\u2019d drunk a lot, but not enough, beer to get truly drunk, if you hadn\u2019t had too many beers you would have noticed the lack of a moon before.<\/p>\n Beer or not, he had noticed the stars, made brighter tonight by the moon\u2019s absence, on his long ride home. He closed his eyes and struggled for a moment to recall some scrap of poetry about a starry night, or a bright star, or something like that, but he couldn\u2019t think of a single line. The only thing he could remember were his father\u2019s stories of traveling the seas when he\u2019d been a younger man, and guiding the ships by the patterns of the stars. The sky, Pa had said, looks eternally beautiful, whether you are looking at it from New York, Dover, or Barbados. He remembered wondering if that were true as a child, and even when he was away at school. He still wondered now. He spent a moment gazing at the sky wistfully before shaking his head and continuing towards the house.<\/p>\n He opened the front door quietly, though not as quietly as he would have if he hadn\u2019t accepted that last drink offer from Charlie the bartender, and slipped inside the house. It was quiet inside. He\u2019d figured before he\u2019d come in that Joe and Serena would have gone upstairs to bed by now. Actually, he\u2019d planned on it. He closed his eyes as if to block out that thought but his reasons for staying out late tonight were still there before him. The sight of Serena in Joe\u2019s arms that afternoon, whispering confidences into his ear, eyes glowing with happiness for him, all of it sent a flash of something excruciating through him that no amount of beer tonight had been able to dull.<\/p>\n God save him but he was jealous of his little brother.<\/p>\n He clenched his hands at his sides for a moment and closed his eyes even tighter, trying to convince himself that he was mistaken, that what he was feeling, had been feeling, he acknowledged now, was something else. But it wasn\u2019t. He opened his eyes at last and found himself staring at the God\u2019s Eye Serena had been working on as a present for Joe. The little arrangement of yarn and sticks looked lonely and fragile sitting out here now, the bright colors indistinguishable in the dark. He should bring it upstairs and put it in her room. Even as he had the thought, he was shaking his head and stepping away.<\/p>\n No, it would be best if he stayed away from her. It wasn\u2019t Serena\u2019s fault that he suddenly felt this way, but he couldn\u2019t allow anyone, especially her or Joe, to guess at his situation. And in time his ridiculous feelings would go away on their own. He\u2019d simply been alone for far too long. When the spring repairs were done, maybe he could spend a few days in San Francisco, and maybe he\u2019d meet someone new there. Then when he came back, if Joe were truly serious about Serena, he would be able to wish them happy with a smile. In the meantime, he\u2019d just keep his mind on work.<\/p>\n Reminding himself of how early he was supposed to be getting up tomorrow, he hung up his hat and removed his gunbelt before determinedly heading upstairs. He didn\u2019t pause for even the slightest moment as he passed her room and actually had his hand on the doorknob to his room when he heard her call his name softly down the hall. He was back at her door before he could think better of it.<\/p>\n He opened her door hesitantly and then peered inside the room. It was too dark for him to make out any shapes, so he stopped in the doorway.<\/p>\n “Are you all right?” he whispered in concern, thinking that she might have injured herself twisting around in her sleep. The house was so quiet that he actually heard her breath in before laughing gently to herself.<\/p>\n “You are home at last,” she commented.<\/p>\n “You called me into your room to tell me I was home?” he asked coldly.<\/p>\n “\u2019Into your room?\u2019” she repeated. “The way you said that\u2026as if it were bad. Is it?”<\/p>\n “Girls generally don\u2019t invite men into their rooms\u2026” he started to say but she interrupted.<\/p>\n “Joe is in here much of the time.”<\/p>\n “That\u2019s different,” Adam answered more harshly than he\u2019d intended to. He knew she was going to ask him how it was different, so he changed the subject. “Look, it\u2019s absurd to be having this conversation in the dark.” He fumbled around for the candle he knew was sitting on the dresser by the door and after a few minutes had it lit. He placed it carefully back on the top of the dresser before turning to face Serena.<\/p>\n “Why did you go into town? Didn\u2019t you have fun with us today?” she asked him immediately, her eyes wide and darker than the shadows in the corners of her room. The white muslin gown she was wearing to bed left her collarbone exposed and her shoulders bare and the skin that had been almost golden in the sun today still looked warm in the flickering light of that one small candle. He moved his eyes to her face before answering.<\/p>\n “That picnic wasn\u2019t exactly my idea of the best way to spend my Saturday.” There was almost a sneer in his reply, directing at himself, but she either didn\u2019t notice or ignored it.<\/p>\n “We could have had some adventures if it hadn\u2019t been for my leg,” she said mischievously.<\/p>\n “You would have had some adventures if I hadn\u2019t have been there.” As soon as he said the words, he was regretting them. From her expression he could tell that she had no idea what he was talking about. Shouldn\u2019t Joe have done something about some of her innocence by now? he wondered irritably when she opened her mouth to ask him a question. His brother was too damn slow, he thought for probably the first time in his life.<\/p>\n “What do you mean?” she asked curiously but he didn\u2019t answer. “This has something to do with why you say you should not be here, si?” she asked a moment later. She mumbled something under her breath when he didn\u2019t answer that he could have sworn was something the daughter of missionaries had no business knowing. He glanced up at her sharply and noticed her smile. “I would prefer to see your face if I can, while I am talking, por favor.”<\/p>\n Stonily, he turned his face towards her as if for inspection, but that just made her laugh again.<\/p>\n “Why do you find me so amusing?” he snapped at her and she shook her head.<\/p>\n “I laugh at myself. I am la tonta, the silly girl, that Sister Maria has always called me, with many foolish ideas.” She shrugged gently as she whispered this, but somehow he knew that it had bothered her to be called silly, if only a little. She tended to lapse into Spanish when she was upset. He had noticed that before.<\/p>\n “I don\u2019t think you\u2019re silly,” he whispered back reassuringly and she looked up at him with such a glow in her eyes that he felt himself relaxing. It was as if she had touched him with that look and had soothed every tense muscle in his neck and shoulders. He took a step out of the doorway, closer to where she was sitting up in bed but stopped when her eyes widened. She looked alarmed, but before he could ask why the look disappeared. Serena nodded as if suddenly understanding something and then smiled beautifully at him. But this time that wonderfully accepting and welcoming smile made him go still, and the wide answering smile which he just now realized was on his face slipped away.<\/p>\n “What were you and Joe talking about earlier?” he asked suddenly and ignored her confused look. “Planning more adventures?” He raised one eyebrow as if he were only mildly interested and took a step back to lean against the dresser. She frowned at him, but it quickly turned into a smile again as she spoke of Little Joe.<\/p>\n “Si. I was telling him what I have read of Portugal. It sounds like a wonderful country to see and he agreed.”<\/p>\n “Joe won\u2019t leave here, whatever he says,” Adam broke in roughly and she looked startled. “He may talk of wanting to see the world, but his heart is here.”<\/p>\n “You must go where your heart leads you, be it to Portugal, or Africa, or to the Ponderosa,” she said serenely but he shook his head.<\/p>\n “Didn\u2019t you learn anything about love at that mission of yours?” He knew was irrationally angry about this but didn\u2019t stop to analyze why.<\/p>\n “Love?” she repeated with wide eyes.<\/p>\n “Yes, love!” he snapped. “It\u2019s when a person cares so much for another person they\u2019re willing to sacrifice anything to make them happy.”<\/p>\n “Are you saying that it would be a sacrifice to stay here?” she asked in amazement and shook her head. “If this is where your heart leads you\u2026”<\/p>\n “We\u2019re not talking about my heart,” he told her quickly and she frowned again. “It is true that I wish to travel the world,” she began hesitantly at last and he nodded. “But not for the reasons you think, Adam.” She stopped to look him in the eyes again and he was surprised by her intent expression. “I was always restless, as a child with my parents, and even in Mexico, with the sisters. When Maria first thought to make me a nun she worried about how I would wander away in the desert and read books about far away places. Then a very old sister came to visit our mission and Maria told her of my dreaming, probably trying to think of a way to get it out of me,” she said that in a tone mild amusement. “But the older sister just looked at me and shook her head. \u2018Her heart is longing for something, and she needs to go find it,\u2019 she said. She was right, I think. Nuestro Padre did not complete me as he did them, and I knew I had to search for what did. I think most people search for this too, they simply do not know it.”<\/p>\n “Many nights, I would sneak out of the mission and sit out in the desert and stare at the sky and ask God if there is anyone in the world who was sitting under those stars like me, looking to be guided in the right direction. There was no one near me for miles and I would,” she searched for words, “ache\u2026inside at the thought that I was so alone until I would look back up at the stars and know that someone else was feeling the same. Do you know that feeling, Adam? To be so alone?” Serena asked softly and he opened his eyes to stare at her almost helplessly.<\/p>\n “You do, don\u2019t you?” She smiled at his slow nod and looked directly into eyes. “I knew you would understand,” she said warmly and for a moment he thought that maybe she was suggesting\u2026but that was ridiculous. She was simply defending her relationship with Joe to him. She had been talking about Joe, Adam reminded himself firmly and blew out the candle before turning around. But there was a tiny whisper of doubt still floating around in his mind.<\/p>\n “Goodnight, Serena,” he said quietly as he closed the door and heard her say something softly in Spanish in response, but he didn\u2019t hear her. His mind was already slipping into dreams, and he knew that when he closed his eyes he was going to dream of the stars, their light guiding a ship to sunny Portugal.<\/p>\n *****<\/p>\n Adam woke with a smile that no amount of lecturing himself could erase. There was no logical reason for his strange feeling of contentment, he told himself sternly in the mirror as he shaved. And he certainly couldn\u2019t go downstairs like this. They would think he had lost his mind. But just when he\u2019d manage to wipe the idiotic grin from his face, that warm look in Serena\u2019s eyes would pop into his head before he could banish it and the smile returned. Even with all his experience, he didn\u2019t know exactly what emotion had been making her eyes shine like that; Serena was so innocent that it could have been anything other than what he hoped it had been. But that look, whatever it had meant, had been for him, and somehow that thought made him forget about his slight headache from his night in town.<\/p>\n He\u2019d just finally figured out how to frown enough that he looked like he normally did when he realized that he\u2019d just described his normal expression as a frown and gave up in disgust. He finished buttoning up his black shirt before heading downstairs, stepping silently past Serena\u2019s room.<\/p>\n Pa was the only one downstairs yet, and looked up from reading a day old paper as Adam came into the room. Adam greeted his father cheerfully and sat down for a cup of coffee. He didn\u2019t notice his father\u2019s amazed stare at all and didn\u2019t look back up until Pa cleared his throat. The color of the coffee had reminded him of the color of Serena\u2019s eyes in the candlelight. It was damn foolish, he knew, but it didn\u2019t stop him from letting out a slow breath before he took a sip.<\/p>\n “I\u2019m surprised to see you up so early after your night out. And in such a good mood\u2026” Pa began in a slightly curious tone and Adam looked up in surprise.<\/p>\n “What do you mean?” he asked distractedly and then frowned when Pa\u2019s eyebrows rose again.<\/p>\n “Maybe you should go back to bed, Adam.” Pa seemed a little worried about something. Adam jumped when Pa suddenly reached out to feel his forehead with his hand. “No fever\u2026” he muttered to himself and Adam frowned again.<\/p>\n “Of course I don\u2019t have a fever,” he started to say when Hop Sing came in. “Oh, good morning, Hop Sing!” he called out with a smile and the cook stopped in his tracks. “What\u2019s the matter with you? You look like you\u2019ve seen a ghost,” he joked and poured the rest of his coffee into a saucer to blow on it. Pa and Hop Sing exchanged some sort of look before Hop Sing disappeared back into the kitchen, mumbling about foolishment. Pa had a bewildered but amused look on his face.<\/p>\n “You\u2019re certainly in a very good mood this morning,” he commented casually. “Any particular reason?”<\/p>\n Adam glanced up at him before finishing off his coffee.<\/p>\n “Finally got some sleep,” he explained and made another effort to control himself.<\/p>\n “Yes, well, whatever the reason, I\u2019m glad to see you looking so happy, son. You need to smile more, especially lately. You\u2019ve been a little short with me and your brothers.”<\/p>\n “Have I?” Adam looked at Pa with interest. He didn\u2019t realize he was frowning again until his father pointed it out.<\/p>\n “Don\u2019t frown, Adam. I like to see you smile. When you smile, you remind me of your mother.” Pa\u2019s eyes got a faraway look for a moment.<\/p>\n “Pa?” Adam asked suddenly and his father focused back on him. “You traveled all over the world\u2026how did you know that this was the place to stop, that it was time to stop?” He knew it was unusual for him to be asking advice and even more unusual for him to hesitate when he did. He watched his father intently as several different expressions crossed his face, the strongest of which were confusion and alarm. But Pa answered him in a slow, careful voice.<\/p>\n “I simply knew, Adam, that while what I saw in other places was beautiful, it was not where my heart wanted to be.” He stopped when Adam nodded thoughtfully before moving on a moment later. “I always felt like I was\u2026searching for something that wasn\u2019t there until we came here. Do you remember that day, son?” he added that in an overly calm voice which Adam recognized as what Pa did when he was trying to hide some worry.<\/p>\n “Of course I do, Pa,” he assured his father but the worried look did not disappear as Pa continued his story.<\/p>\n “I felt the same way when I met your mother. I had spent most of my life wandering the seas and then the day I met her and looked into her eyes and felt\u2026”<\/p>\n “As if the stars had guided you towards her?” Adam finished for him and saw Pa\u2019s look of astonishment before he nodded slowly.<\/p>\n “Adam\u2026” Pa started and then stopped before starting again. “Adam\u2026you aren\u2019t feeling restless here, are you?” He seemed anxious and Adam remembered the arguments they\u2019d had when he\u2019d left for school. After a long moment he shook his head so Pa would relax. He knew how much Pa needed him here.<\/p>\n “Calm down, Pa.” He managed a smile. “If I\u2019d have known that coming to breakfast in a good mood would get you this excited I would have stayed upstairs.” After a moment Pa smiled back. “Though I was thinking of going to San Francisco for awhile sometime soon,” he added and Pa waved that away.<\/p>\n “Of course, Adam,” he agreed and stood up. He walked to the door and then paused and turned back around to him. “Adam, I know I worry, but truly, whatever it is that makes you smile, you should grab it and hold onto it with both hands. I did, with your mother and with this land.” Pa\u2019s voice was rough and emotional and Adam stared back at him in amazement. “You need it, son.”<\/p>\n He went out the door a second later as if the emotional display bothered him. Adam just stared after him, several thoughts running chaotically through his mind all at once. Grab it and hold onto it with both hands, he repeated several times, you need it. He knew Pa hadn\u2019t known what he saying when he\u2019d said that, that Pa hadn\u2019t known who had made Adam smile, but he knew. Serena. He loved her. He acknowledged that painfully before shaking his head. But Serena wasn\u2019t his to hold on to.<\/p>\n That day in the meadow replayed quickly before his eyes before another image replaced it. Her eyes in the candlelight, full of warmth and welcome. For him? the teasing thought came and went and he stood up to pace quickly in front of the fireplace. What if? he wondered. What if Little Joe was only infatuated again? What if that look in her eyes had been meant for him and hadn\u2019t been inspired by thoughts of his little brother? What if she were his? Could he just\u2026? He jerked to a stop when Joe came walking sleepily down the stairs and watched as Joe went over to get himself coffee.<\/p>\n “You\u2019re up early,” Adam commented for lack of anything better to say and Joe looked at him with a suspicious frown.<\/p>\n “What of it? I thought I\u2019d have to get up early to cover your chores, you were out so late!” Joe snapped back at him and Adam raised his eyebrows in surprise before he could hide his reaction. Joe had been volunteering to do extra work? That was a change. But he had more important things on his mind at the moment.<\/p>\n “Joe, can we talk about something?” Adam began and Joe frowned again.<\/p>\n “Does it have to be now, Adam?” he complained and it was Adam\u2019s turn to frown.<\/p>\n “Any particular reason you don\u2019t want to talk now?” he asked icily.<\/p>\n “I\u2019m not in the mood to fight this early in the morning, Adam,” Joe said with a bitter laugh.<\/p>\n “Why would we fight?” Very confused, Adam had to ask.<\/p>\n “You haven\u2019t exactly been fun to be around the last few days, older brother, or have you forgotten our argument before you left last night?” Joe\u2019s voice was soft. Adam remembered how he\u2019d snapped at Joe the night before, right before he\u2019d ridden off into town, and a few other fights during the last few weeks.<\/p>\n “This is different,” Adam insisted, ignoring last night\u2019s incident. Joe scowled, probably at that, but let it go and waited silently for Adam to talk. “About Serena\u2026”<\/p>\n “What about Serena?” Joe asked immediately and Adam could see Joe taking his fight stance, legs apart, fists clenched. But he continued anyway.<\/p>\n “You two seem very close\u2026” he began cautiously, shoving aside any deeper thoughts about that for the moment.<\/p>\n “Oh no, here it comes. Know-it-all-brother Adam doesn\u2019t approve of the girl, right?” Joe asked so sarcastically Adam felt his own hands curl up into fists before he forced himself to relax.<\/p>\n “No, I like her a lot, Joe,” he said quietly and Joe calmed down somewhat. Until he spoke again anyway. “I was more interested in your feelings for her.”<\/p>\n “I love her!” Joe answered immediately with that certainty that Adam had heard in Pa\u2019s voice only moments ago. He closed his eyes and tried unsuccessfully to control his emotions. For a moment, all he could think of was breaking Joe into little pieces for even saying such a thing. Little Joe had had everything handed to him his whole life, couldn\u2019t Joe have let him have Serena?<\/p>\n “And I suppose you\u2019re going to marry her and travel all over the world with her?” he shouted suddenly in a strangled voice, seeing them together in the sun. Joe looked startled at his anger, but he got over his surprise quickly. He glared back with narrowed eyes and raised his chin determinedly.<\/p>\n “Yes!” he declared with pride and Adam laughed scornfully for a moment, knowing it would anger his brother further.<\/p>\n “You\u2019ll never leave here, boy,” he said at last and Joe\u2019s fists clenched again. He took a step closer.<\/p>\n “You aimin\u2019 to stop me, Adam?” Little Joe challenged furiously. Adam raised one eyebrow, knowing he was close to pushing Joe over the edge but not caring.<\/p>\n “I won\u2019t have to. You wouldn\u2019t leave here, not even for her,” he taunted, surprised at how close to a snarl he had sounded.<\/p>\n “For her I would,” Joe said simply and Adam felt his anger slip away just like that. Joe\u2019s eyes were shining just at the thought of her. With love. It was an unmistakable look. He had seen it himself in the mirror that morning. “She knows I would too. She takes me seriously, unlike most of the people in this house. Of course I would follow her. That\u2019s what love is, Adam. Or don\u2019t you understand that, you cold-blooded Yankee?”<\/p>\n Adam stared at his little brother for a moment as he stood there, waiting angrily for Adam\u2019s next words. Joe looked older, he thought distantly. Not at all like the little kid he usually saw when he looked at his youngest brother.\u00a0 Maybe Joe would leave here. It would break Pa\u2019s heart, Joe had to know that, but his eyes said he was willing to risk it for her.<\/p>\n Adam turned away from him and headed towards the door.<\/p>\n “Don\u2019t forget to take Serena her breakfast, ok, Joe?” he said quietly over his shoulder.<\/p>\n “Where are you going?” Joe asked, sounding very confused although there were traces of anger still in his voice. Adam made himself shrug.<\/p>\n “I\u2019m working up towards the foothills today. Then I\u2019m coming back to get my things\u2026I just volunteered to spend some time up in the line shack. I\u2019ll see you in a week or so.”<\/p>\n “Adam?” Joe began to ask in a more normal voice, probably about to apologize. No matter whose fault a fight had been, Joe was always the first to say he was sorry and mean it. It why Adam loved him even in the middle of their worst arguments, and one of the many things about his little brother that had kept Adam from pounding him into the dirt on many occasions in the past.<\/p>\n “Forget it, Joe,” he commanded Joe roughly and closed the door behind him.<\/p>\n *****<\/p>\n It was a cloudy night when he returned. The air had chilled again, making it too cold for him up in the line shack, though that was not why he\u2019d come back home. The night before had been clear, just as the nights had been for the last week, and there had been nothing at the line shack to prevent him from gazing at the sky before heading inside to bed every night. He\u2019d realized after a few nights of this that he had been waiting for the stars to soothe him, to guide him in a new direction the way they had eased Serena\u2019s loneliness in the desert. But the stars had nothing to offer him, nothing that he wanted now. So he\u2019d come back.<\/p>\n He knew he would have returned sooner or later anyway. He always did. He spoke sometimes of maybe visiting Europe someday or of going east more often, but he always stayed here. Who knew why. Serena, he supposed, would say that his heart was here. Which made him as bad as Joe, he reflected bitterly, and certainly didn\u2019t help him now. His heart was here, with a bunch of trees and a lake?<\/p>\n He remembered that sense of completion he\u2019d felt, gazing at this land with Pa for the first time and glanced up at the sky again, to where Serena\u2019s stars were peeking through the clouds. Perhaps they had led them here. Perhaps the stars would lead him somewhere else when he was ready, as they had led her. It was a foolish thought. Something that would never have occurred to him a little over a month ago, before he had met her, and if it had he would have dismissed it instantly as a child\u2019s dream.<\/p>\n “A dream,” he said softly to himself and watched his breath disappear into the shadows. Then he shook his head and walked to the door. He entered the house silently; a little surprised that everyone had gone to bed. It was dark, but it wasn\u2019t that late. He wondered if his family would have \u2018happy\u2019 news for him when they found him here in the morning. He was actually somewhat cynically surprised that Joe hadn\u2019t proposed by now. His little brother usually worked at a much faster pace. If he hadn\u2019t by now, he was either getting very slow, or the boy actually cared about Serena. And as much as Adam tried to convince himself that Joe was just kidding around he knew that this wasn\u2019t the case. That look, that conviction in Joe\u2019s eyes had been unmistakable. His little brother was truly in love.<\/p>\n He was surprised at the tiny feeling of happiness that gave him. It was hard to believe when just the thought of Joe touching her made him feel twisted inside with jealousy, but that she made his brother happy made him feel happy too on some level. Just as the knowledge that Joe could make Serena smile had kept him from riding home from the shack to plant his fist in Joe\u2019s face. Joe made her happy. That would have to be enough. But the urge to be selfish was so strong.<\/p>\n “You\u2019re home,” Serena whispered happily and he turned in alarm to see her standing at the foot of the stairs, leaning on a cane.<\/p>\n “Your leg\u2026” he began worriedly, dropping his bag of gear and taking a step forward before stopping.<\/p>\n “I got the bandage removed while you were away,” she told him calmly, apparently unconcerned that they were having this conversation alone in the middle of the night. Adam cursed his brother for the hundredth time before taking a moment to observe her in the dark. She looked well, even with the cane. That made him smile softly, until he remembered that her health was not supposed to be his concern. So he stepped back to pick up his gear.<\/p>\n For a moment he considered heading upstairs, but then he would have had to pass her, so instead he dropped his bag on the settee and headed to Pa\u2019s desk, where he knew a bottle of brandy was hidden in a drawer, along with a glass. He finished a glass before he turned to back to her. She was staring at him with wide eyes.<\/p>\n “Been wanting that for a week,” he explained and then held up the bottle. “Want a glass?” he offered jokingly and she frowned before shaking her head. He shrugged and turned away to pour himself another.<\/p>\n “You and Joe fought before you left?”\u00a0 He heard the question in her voice and shrugged again.<\/p>\n “We always fight.” He dismissed it lightly.<\/p>\n “You were gone a long time.” It was clear from the way she asked that he was supposed to respond. He deliberately let her wait while he took a few sips of brandy.<\/p>\n “So?” It was rude and he knew it, but once again she ignored that to say what she wanted to say.\u00a0 He had half been expecting her to tease him again about seeing his face when she spoke to him and had a reply for her waiting.<\/p>\n “I was worried about you,” she admitted, surprising him. A few drops of liquid spilled out of the glass onto the surface of the desk.<\/p>\n “Thanks, but I don\u2019t think I\u2019m the one you\u2019re supposed to be worrying about,” “What do you mean?” Serena seemed confused. He nodded without turning around.<\/p>\n “You don\u2019t know that my little brother Joe is in love with you?”\u00a0 he asked her with an angry little laugh and heard her shocked gasp.<\/p>\n “Joe?” she repeated innocently. “You are mistaken, Adam.” She denied it so firmly that he would have believed her if he hadn\u2019t seen and heard the truth himself. She was whispering something in Spanish and he laughed to himself. Her innocence might have been adorable if it hadn\u2019t led them to this conversation. “Joe?” she asked again, wonderingly and this time he did turn around.<\/p>\n “Yes. Joe!” he nearly shouted and then stared into her wide eyes for a long, tense moment. “I think I need a drink,” he announced into the stillness and half-turned away towards the glass and bottle.<\/p>\n “Another drink?” she said quietly. He could feel her eyes on him as he poured himself another shot and lifted it to his mouth. He stopped with it there, and then slowly lowered it. Maybe not. He needed to be in control now. He turned back to her and saw that warm concern in her face again. She was so beautiful.<\/p>\n He\u2019d thought of that, alone in the shack all those nights. Thought of how he hadn\u2019t seen it at first, and then only in her smile, but now how her beauty was in everything about her. It radiated off of her like sunlight. Her movements were so quiet and gentle, even with the cane that he didn\u2019t realize she had moved to stand next to him until she spoke again. “What\u2019s wrong, Adam?” she asked softly, from his side.<\/p>\n With some effort he stepped away but she just followed. Like an annoying puppy, he told himself, but didn\u2019t move away the second time.<\/p>\n “You can trust me to share your burdens, Adam. I am not weak.” She smiled suddenly, brilliantly and he felt a ridiculous, childish urge to smile back, as if it was all ok now. “Remember when you compared me to sunshine that day, for saying something much the same? Sunshine is strong, no?”<\/p>\n He thought of how his father had explained to him as a child how the sun brought life to the world, and of how the entire country seemed to long for spring every year, looking upwards for when the sun would return with its light and warmth. Then he thought of how he\u2019d paused to enjoy that warmth the morning before he\u2019d met her. Her indrawn breath brought him out of his memories and he realized that he must have been staring at her, his thoughts obvious even to a little innocent like Serena. He turned back around quickly and reached for the bottle again, mostly to give his hands something else to hold and froze when she placed her hand over his wrist.<\/p>\n It was the first time she had touched him. He had avoided touching her before this, he realized in the second it took him to register her warm fingers sliding over his skin. She stopped when she found his pulse and left her hand there. He watched her eyes widen as she felt his blood pounding and then saw that oddly possessive smile he had seen on her face once before return. She raised her other hand and used the tip of one finger to slowly trace his mouth. He closed his eyes and trembled with the effort it took not to pull her closer as her eyes were asking him to do. In a minute, he told himself, you will push her away, but that moment passed, and so did another, until he wondered how much time had passed as the two of them had stood there like this.<\/p>\n “You spoke of love the other night\u2026” she said suddenly and he blinked. “I think I could stay here forever, Adam,” she confessed in a whisper and he straightened up, making her hands fall to her sides.<\/p>\n “Why don\u2019t you tell that to Joe?” he shouted roughly. “He\u2019s more than willing to help you make up your mind, little nun.” He snatched up his glass and quickly swallowed what was left in it. The brandy did not stop him from seeing the hurt in her eyes as he pulled away, but he clenched the glass tightly in one hand instead of using it to pull her closer in comfort.<\/p>\n It bothered him that she made no attempt to hide her pain from him. He could only bear to see it in her eyes for less than a moment and then he had to try to say something.<\/p>\n “So much pain in your eyes.” It took Adam a moment to realize with shock that the words had not come from him. “They speak to me, more than words. The first time I saw you, I thought, I could stay here forever, to take that from your eyes.” A few tears ran down her cheeks as she whispered this, but she was smiling.<\/p>\n “I\u2019m what you\u2019ve been searching for?” he asked hoarsely, barely getting the words out. Serena didn\u2019t answer, but he knew it was true. She was gazing at him expectantly, waiting for his answer. She looked painfully hopeful, her heart in her eyes for anyone to see. For him to see. The realization brought him closer. This time he raised his hand to rest against her cheek. Her eyes widened, and then she slowly turned her head so that her mouth just touched his palm. She could be his, the thought floated across his mind again, and this time he understood the possessive smile on her face. God, he wanted her. He raised his other hand to touch her and remembered he was still holding the brandy glass.<\/p>\n “Adam?” Pa asked curiously from upstairs and Adam lifted his head in alarm. Pa, he reminded himself. Joe. Serena opened her mouth as if she was going to say something else but he spoke first.<\/p>\n “It\u2019s me, Pa. I\u2019m back,” he called out and then looked back down at her. Her eyes looked sad, like she knew what he was thinking. But her chin was raised stubbornly, as if she were going to try to change his mind. Adam shook his head once as Pa came downstairs, and tried to tell her everything with a look. He couldn\u2019t do that to Joe or his family. He couldn\u2019t.<\/p>\n “No!” Serena said suddenly, sharply, and grabbed one of his hands.<\/p>\n “Adam?” Pa said happily, almost too happily. Had Pa thought that he wouldn\u2019t be coming back? As if Adam would ever forget how much he was needed here. He laughed sharply to himself at that thought and forcibly pushed Serena a few feet away.<\/p>\n “Yeah, Pa,” Adam agreed unnecessarily as Pa came downstairs. “Serena too,” he added when Pa noticed her with surprise. “She was just going to bed.”<\/p>\n Serena dragged her eyes from him to smile at his father.<\/p>\n “Si, voy a retirar\u2026for now.” She turned back to him to give him a mischievous but determined grin as she said that and then stepped carefully on first stair.<\/p>\n “Good night, child. Get plenty of rest. I\u2019m sure Little Joe will have something exciting planned for you to do together tomorrow.” Pa didn\u2019t seem to notice how his words made her stop on the staircase and turn around to stare at Adam with wide eyes. Adam laughed again, more at himself than at her stricken look, and then turned back around to the brandy bottle. He could feel her watching him. He knew that she was waiting for him to turn back around and look at her, to give her some hope, and he knew that it would be best if he didn\u2019t move. But he looked back anyway.<\/p>\n Whatever she saw in his eyes made hers fill with tears. His stomach clenched painfully and he looked down, and away.<\/p>\n “Hasta luego, mi alma,” Serena said faintly and after a moment Adam heard her head clumsily upstairs.<\/p>\n “She\u2019s a remarkable girl,” Pa commented once she had gone. “I\u2019d be proud to have her in the family.”<\/p>\n Adam heard something snap and looked down in surprise at the large piece of glass stuck in his hand. Blood was beginning to pool in his palm and Adam watched some of the red drops fall to the floor at his feet, onto the rest of the pieces of the brandy glass. He must have broken it. He heard Pa gasp just as his hand began to throb painfully.<\/p>\n “Adam!” Pa said in worry and grabbed his hand. He had pulled the glass out before Adam could snatch his hand away.<\/p>\n “Don\u2019t!” he snapped childishly at his father and cradled the bleeding hand to his chest. “I can deal with it! It\u2019s mine!”<\/p>\n “Adam!” Pa shouted this time, almost angrily. “What has gotten into you?”<\/p>\n “Nothing yet,” Adam told him and looked around for another glass. When he found one, and filled it, he paused before drinking it to stare up the stairs where she had gone. Then he glanced back at Pa with a bitter smile. “To the stars,” he toasted his suddenly wide-eyed father before downing the liquor in one swallow.<\/p>\n *****<\/p>\n Adam glanced up at the letter again, the smile that memories of her had brought to his face slipping away. Bracing himself, he stood up to pick it up gently and then sat back down on his bed to stare at it. She\u2019d written something on the front. Not his name like he\u2019d first thought, instead it was two words in Spanish, the two words she\u2019d whispered last night, close enough to Latin for him to translate. Mi Alma. My Soul. He closed his eyes again for a moment and then opened the letter.<\/p>\n “Adam, I was going to tell you that I was wrong about you, and this place, but I could not. I see now why you pushed me away, but I also see how much you need me. I need you too though I know you do not think so, but I would not cause you or your family more pain. It hurts me to leave, but it will bring me much joy to think of you, and I have the stars for comfort. Perhaps, someday, they will guide you to me again. I will look for you. But please remember that I do not leave you alone.\u00a0 Serena. ”<\/p>\n He folded up the letter once he\u2019d finished, and placed it in his jacket pocket with shaking hands. Not alone? He had never felt so alone. The loneliness of his first Christmas at school without his family, the months after Marie had died, the week and a half up in the line shack without Serena were nothing compared to this. He remembered that moment downstairs last night when he had looked into her eyes and felt complete. Without her now he felt\u2026less.<\/p>\n She couldn\u2019t have gotten far, he thought suddenly. He stood up and started throwing his things into a bag, thinking of all the ways she could have taken out of town with some idea of getting her and bringing her back. He had to see her again.<\/p>\n For what? the little voice in his head asked mockingly. So you can push her away again? Adam froze in the doorway. I could follow her, travel with her, he argued with himself but was shaking his head even as he did. That was impossible. Even if Pa didn\u2019t need him, he couldn\u2019t break his little brother\u2019s heart. He dropped the bag on the floor before walking to his bed and sitting slowly back down.<\/p>\n He pulled out her letter and read it again, noticing this time the smeared black ink. Had she cried as she\u2019d written it? He knew suddenly that she had, just as he\u2019d known she was speaking the truth last night. She was crying for him. The realization that he\u2019d hurt her, that he\u2019d chosen to make her feel this pain too, knocked him to the floor.<\/p>\n Oh God, he thought brokenly as he listened to the wind outside. He had sent her out alone, truly alone, yet she had still had words of love for him. She would keep traveling, he knew, alone and trusting, seeing the world and waiting for him. Longing for him, he\u2019d seen that in her eyes on the stairs. And she\u2019d seen that same need for her in his face.<\/p>\n He wrapped his arms around his body and bent his head to his chest. It hurt to be so alone again, more than before, because now he knew that she was out there. No, he was wrong. He had never been this alone before. He choked suddenly and struggled for a moment to control himself and keep his emotions inside, but it hurt too much. God, he thought again, or maybe whispered, and closed his eyes tightly in a futile effort to stop his tears. Pain was his, but this was too much for him alone.<\/p>\n “Adam?” someone whispered from the doorway and Adam stilled.<\/p>\n Joe, he realized. Oh God, Joe must not know that she had left. He had to tell him. He couldn\u2019t let him find out on his own. With some effort, Adam raised his head and then slowly wiped the tears from his face.<\/p>\n “I thought you were angry with me,” he asked quietly when he felt he could speak normally. He started to say something else and found he couldn\u2019t once he got a good look at his little brother\u2019s devastated green eyes. He cleared his throat but still couldn\u2019t form any words. No words would do. At his silence Joe took one hesitant step into the room with none of his normal energy.<\/p>\n “She\u2019s gone, Adam,” he said simply and after a long moment Adam nodded. “She left me a note saying that she was still searching. That she\u2019d borrowed some money and got a ride into town. I went to town to follow her, but she was already gone. Said she\u2019s sorry if she hurt me.” Joe looked almost childlike in his pain and bewilderment and Adam remembered after Marie had died, how he had been grieving alone up here, and how Joe had slipped into his room and stared at him with those eyes until Adam had picked him up and held him for hours, each trying to soothe the other.<\/p>\n He looked at Joe for a long moment as he thought of that and then quirked up the corner of his mouth in an imitation of a smile. But Joe knew what it meant and crossed over to him and dropped down next to him. Adam\u2019s arms automatically went around Joe and pulled him close, forgetting why he\u2019d been angry.<\/p>\n “She is so beautiful, Adam,” Joe said into his shoulder. Adam swallowed thickly and thought of her smile.<\/p>\n “Yes she is,” he agreed reluctantly, not wanting to share his memories of her but Joe raised his head to look up into his eyes. There was a need there he recognized. They were both alone now. He pulled his brother even closer, barely noticing how Joe returned the hug fiercely. Instead he thought of how his little brother was crying for the first time in years, barely aware of the few tears that ran down his own face. It was enough for now that he had someone who understood. Serena would like that, he thought and felt something lift inside him, alleviating some of the pain.<\/p>\n The storm outside was dying down. The rain was only a sprinkle and he could hear the wind rising up, blowing the clouds away. In a while the stars might even be visible and he knew that Serena would be underneath those stars somewhere, looking up at them as he would be. Someday he would follow them and find her and she would be his. But he was needed here now. He hugged his little brother even tighter and smiled gently at Joe\u2019s half-hearted protest. His heart was here.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n The End<\/p>\n <\/p>\n
\n“You\u2019re the one who wants to see the world.” It was very quiet after he said that and for several minutes he could only hear her breathing softly.<\/p>\n
\nhe said sharply, keeping his eyes on the cut-glass decanter in front of him.<\/p>\n