{"id":4966,"date":"2011-08-22T18:05:17","date_gmt":"2011-08-22T22:05:17","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=4966"},"modified":"2025-02-27T12:25:13","modified_gmt":"2025-02-27T17:25:13","slug":"slipping-through-my-fingers","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=4966","title":{"rendered":"Slipping Through My Fingers (by Krystyna)"},"content":{"rendered":"

Summary<\/strong>: This is the story of Jane Halcrow and the way she met and fell in love with Adam Cartwright? Does she marry him? Not if Laura Dayton has anything to do about it, but then\u2026.?! Read the story to find out\u2026\u2026\u2026\u2026\u2026\u2026<\/p>\n

Rating:\u00a0 T (32,395 words)<\/p>\n

The final page contains reviews\/comments from the Old BonanzaBrand Library.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Slipping Through My Fingers<\/strong><\/p>\n

Chapter 1 – 1847<\/p>\n

\u201cCome here, darling?\u201d<\/p>\n

I was cold, standing beside my bed in my nightgown, with the cold seeping up my legs from the draughts that came through the floor boards of my little bedroom. I turned and looked at her and smiled, happy to be close to her, and to feel her warmth against my body. I cuddled close and shivered, surprised I suppose, at realising that her body was cold too.<\/p>\n

She held me very tightly for a while with her arm around me, pressing me close to her. I could smell the faint sweet smell of lavender which she wore in her clothes, as well as the smell of her body. I could feel the rythmn of her heart beat and the occasional shiver that trickled through her and which made me feel, for some inexplicable reason, frightened. I looked up into her face and realised she was not looking down at me with her usual smile, but was staring hard at the wall in front of her, so I turned my head to look too\u2026but she was not looking at the picture either, she was just staring, and her mouth was set, as though what she was about to say would not come through her lips easily<\/p>\n

\u201cAre you cold, my sweet?\u201d she whispered<\/p>\n

\u201cNot so much now.\u201d<\/p>\n

She drew me in closer, almost as though she wanted my body to merge into hers and become one whole being\u2026then she sighed and looked at the wall again.<\/p>\n

\u201cJane\u2026.I have to tell you something\u201d she lowered her voice, although why I did not understand, after all, we were all alone in the house and suddenly that foreboding took shape in my heart again and I clutched involuntarily at her hand and shivered for her fingers were icy cold. \u201cI want you to listen and pay attention to what I have to say, darling.\u201d<\/p>\n

I nodded, and my eyes fixed upon the gold band on her finger. It gleamed dully in the glow of the candle close to us on the little table, but I could not release my eyes from its simplicity, and the wealth of meaning it held. A thin gold band on a thin worn finger \u2013 and I shivered and forced myself to look away and stare at something else instead. I chose the candle flame, which danced in the draughts and seemed warm and merry.<\/p>\n

\u201cJane\u2026.this is very hard for me to tell you, but \u2026but I am going to go away\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cGo away?\u201d I frowned. I could feel the constriction in my head, and the furrow over my eyes and the dancing flame of the candle now became menacing and bleak \u201cGo where ?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cA very long way away\u2026\u2026\u201d her voice was very soft now, hardly discernible, and I had to strain my ears to hear the words. I felt her tremble again and drew closer to her<\/p>\n

\u201cBut where? Where are you going? Can\u2019t I come too?\u201d I pulled away from her and turned to look into her face, accusing her and begging her\u2026my eyes searched her face and all I could see was her love for me, and something terrible in her eyes. \u201cCan\u2019t I come, mummy?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo, no, my darling\u2026\u201d she touched my face with her fingers, tracing a strand of hair with her forefinger, gently folding it back behind my ear. \u201cI can\u2019t take you on this journey, my sweet.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIs it so far away then?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cFar too far away, precious.\u201d she looked away as though the thought hurt her, and I felt a tightness in my chest which made my throat ache and hurt and my head ached and felt a strange prickly sensation \u201cJane, you are going to have to be very brave\u2026\u201d and she took hold of my face and turned it towards her so that we looked at one another very closely.<\/p>\n

I remembered the last time she came and told me to be very brave, and that was when she came and told me papa would not be coming home. We had sat on the edge of the bed together, just like now, and she had held me and looked at me and said \u201cYou are going to have to be very brave, we both are\u2026.\u201d<\/p>\n

I took a deep breath and nodded. I knew what she was not going to tell me, I knew what she would have wanted to say but could not find the words to say it. I stared into her face and drank in every feature. My eyes devoured the slant of her eyes, and the deep blue of them, and the shadows so dark in their sockets. I wanted to always always be able to remember the funny shape of her nose and the high cheekbones and the soft silky feel of her hair when it was loose, like this, over her shoulders, and glowing so pale and creamy in the candlelight. I wanted to hold the memory of her lips smiling, the shape of them, the fullness of them, as they were now and the stubborn square of her chin with the little cleft not quite in the centre\u2026oh, my mummy, I never wanted to forget you\u2026.I fell upon her now and held her close and tried not to cry because I knew that would make it harder for her. This was the beginning of being brave\u2026..<\/p>\n

\u201cOn Wednesday you are going to have to leave here\u201d she said very gently and I could feel her hand stroking my hair, which, like hers, was very fine and blonde. I closed my eyes and squeezed them tight to keep them dry. So soon? Wednesday? Two days away\u2026\u201dYou have to go on a long journey too, my poppet. Your Aunt and Uncle are \u2013 are going to care for you and see you are educated like a young lady, and grow up safe and well!\u201d<\/p>\n

I knew then I was going to have to be brave all right! Aunt and Uncle! They had twin boys several years older than myself. Arthur and Richard. They hated me and I hated them. I didn\u2019t even like aunt and uncle very much either come to that\u2026\u2026I took a deep breath just to show a little resentment, but that was all. I had to be brave because \u2013 because otherwise I would scream and shout my protests for the whole neighbourhood to hear and I would sob and cry and cry\u2026\u2026\u2026what could anyone expect from a ten year old girl?<\/p>\n

\u201cMummy, are you really sure I can\u2019t come with you?\u201d I whispered as she held me very close. I could feel her collar bone. It jarred against my flesh as she held me. I had not realised before how thin she was\u2026.\u201dMummy, please let me come with you?\u201d and I looked up and tried not to cry, but one tear eked out and trickled down my cheek<\/p>\n

\u201cJane \u2013 Jane \u2013\u201c she whispered and pulled me closer to her \u201cOh my Jane, you are my world, my world. I have to do what is best for you, darling\u2026..understand\u2026try and understand?\u201d<\/p>\n

I tried. In that brief instant of time I did try\u2026.I was ten years old and was soon to leave my home. I was not going to see mama ever again. I had, only two years before, lost my dearest papa. I was going to have to live with my aunt and uncle\u2026\u2026..and Arthur and Richard.<\/p>\n

\u201cMummy, I love you\u2026I love you\u2026\u201d Oh, yes, I love you\u2026and I squeezed my eyes so tightly, so tightly, so that not one more tear peeped out to betray my turbulent heart.<\/p>\n

\u201cAunt and Uncle have everything arranged and you\u2019ll have such a lovely room and clothes. They said you could have a pony of your own too\u2026.that will be so much better than the pretend one you ride in the wash room, won\u2019t it?\u201d her voice was brittle with pretend gaity and I hated it, but I had to hold on and listen because time was precious now. Even at my age, I knew time with her was very, very precious. \u201cYou won\u2019t have to take anything much with you, just a few of your favourite things\u2026.and daddy\u2019s fiddle!\u201d<\/p>\n

Oh, my heart, my heart\u2026it broke and it hurt so! My daddy\u2019s fiddle\u2026I made a funny odd sound in my throat in an attempt not to cry out loud and she held me closer and her bones stuck into me<\/p>\n

\u201cThere will be a letter waiting for you when you get to your uncles\u201d she said very gravely and then she took my face between her hands and looked seriously deep into my eyes \u201cJane Victoria Halcrow\u2026I want you to live a happy life, a long life, I want you to read books, travel the world, marry and be happy, and have many, many children. I want you never to forget that daddy and I always always loved you\u2026.\u201d She stopped and I knew she could not say anymore unless she cried so I put my arms around her neck and held her close \u201cGood night, darling, may God bless you!\u201d<\/p>\n

So I slipped into bed and she left the room and closed the door behind her leaving the sweet smell of lavender drifting about the room like a wraith. I closed my eyes and hot tears flooded down my face and I hid my face in the pillow so that she would not hear me, although I knew for a certainty that in her room, she was doing exactly the same.<\/p>\n

I do not recall falling asleep but I woke up in the morning wondering whether or not I had had a terrible dream. It was only when I saw my mother sitting in her chair with her shawl about her and writing endless letters through out the day that I knew it was something true and something I was going to have to face, and on my own. I clung to her, sat by her side, begged her to read to me, asked if I could read to her\u2026in those last few hours I was a thorough nuisance to her\u2026but I dreaded to give her up too easily.<\/p>\n

And then it was Wednesday.<\/p>\n

Chapter 2<\/p>\n

Oh the tedium of the journey. Wednesday was a blur. I sat on my seat on the train with my nose against the window and watched until mother was gone\u2026until she had disappeared from distance and the smoke and grit from the trains engines chimney had swallowed her up from my sight. I sat on my seat and let the tears fall unheeded, blotching my already swollen unsightly face and my grey worsted coat. I snivelled and sobbed, and wept and wailed until the conductor came and sat with me for a while and then had to ask an elderly woman to come and sit by my side and give me some comfort.<\/p>\n

Thursday and I sat all day hugging my fathers violin case and with my eyes shut trying to remember her face, and my father..and happy times together. The memories were elusive and I was eventually in tears again. I must have been an embarressingly awful passenger.<\/p>\n

Friday and the train jogged on to its destination with a dogged determination to arrive with all passengers intact. That included me! I slept, dozed, and stared out at the views that seemed to flash neverendingly before my bloodshot swollen eyes. I was a miserable creature, and must have looked it.<\/p>\n

Saturday and we stopped for a long time at some station or other. Some passengers, including my lady comforter, who gave me some candy and told me to \u2018keep my chin up\u2019, left the train and watching them meant that I did not notice the new passengers get on board. After a little while I fell into a light slumber.<\/p>\n

\u201cSteady up!\u201d<\/p>\n

A firm strong hand gripped my arm and I realised, even as I slowly awoke, that I was being moved. I opened my eyes and looked up and saw a boys face looking down at me. In that instant of not being quite awake and still holding onto sleep nothing seemed real and it was as though I was drowning into his eyes. Does that sound very strange? I find it hard to describe, just that his eyes were so captivating, so beautiful and warm, that I felt as though my very being was drawn up and swallowed down into the depths of those eyes.<\/p>\n

I must have stared at him too long for he gave a little laugh that woke me up fully and I screwed my eyes up and blinked and then looked about me. I was still on the train, still jogging along to Princeton, but had fallen asleep and had, apparently, been about to fall onto the floor, but the young man, for he was not really a boy, had prevented me from doing so and had lifted me up more securely onto my seat. My knight errant!<\/p>\n

I rubbed my face and eyes and realised that my mouth was very dry. I also realised that I must have looked very shabby and travel weary and glanced over at him. He was sitting opposite me, but hidden now from view. He was reading a book. I screwed up my eyes to read the title \u201cAn Anthology of Modern Poets\u201d.<\/p>\n

My eyes travelled downwards\u2026he had long legs encased in very creased trousers, not too well cut either. His boots were not city made, although good and sturdy. I had seen some people from the western states wearing boots like it, when they passed through my home town, which was not often. I suppose that is why I could recall them so well, as they had stood out so amongst our local people with their smart well cut clothes. Even the poorest of us wore clothes that were different from the casual wear of the westerner.<\/p>\n

My eyes now travelled upwards and I thought that his hands were very pleasant. I liked his hands. The fingers were well shaped and his nails were clean and well defined. They were gentle strong and capable hands. I looked up higher and realised that he was now surveying me\u2026.but now I could see his face fully and suddenly my head went prickly again and I thought I was going to faint.<\/p>\n

\u201cWould you like a drink?\u201d his voice was deep, his accent different from where I came from, but pleasant. \u201cYou look thirsty?\u201d<\/p>\n

I nodded. My tongue had seemed to have swollen in my mouth. I could not speak and wondered if I would be able to open my mouth to drink whatever he had to offer me\u2026.as it was I managed well enough and did not spill any of the cool water that he gave me in a small metal cup.<\/p>\n

\u201cThe conductor will be here soon, if you ask him he\u2019ll get you something to drink to refresh you properly!\u201d he smiled and I noticed that his teeth were crooked. That was good. I liked his teeth. They were strong teeth and white and clean. Sometimes people had the most awful looking teeth and although his were a bit crooked here and there, it was obvious he took care of them. When he smiled it was nice too, although he seemed a boy who was not used to smiling, for there was an air of self consciousness about the way he smiled. I looked at him thoughtfully and nodded, still not trusting myself to speak, in case the words came out too gruff or maybe, even worse, I might burst into tears \u2013 again!<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ll tell you what, how about we both go down to the dining car together and get something to eat?\u201d he leaned forward towards me as he spoke, his dark brown eyes looked into my face and I could see twin reflections of myself looking back at me\u2026.it was not a pretty sight!<\/p>\n

But what lovely eyes. Soft and golden and brown with deep black iris\u2019. They made me think of syrup, golden and sweet and dripping onto the warm toast mother used to make\u2026.I swallowed back tears and just bleakly nodded. He had long lashes. I envied him them. They were thick and dark, unlike mine, blonde, sparse, and stubby. He had,like myself, myriads of freckles over his face, but his merged very nicely into the golden tan of his skin whereas mine, well\u2026so clearly defined that a child could have counted every single one as easily as winking.<\/p>\n

All told he had a very handsome face. It was at the stage of maturing nicely\u2026but the little boy he had once been was still discernible. When I did not immediately answer he looked a little confused, as though he were unsure what else etiquette would expect of him, so he sat back and picked up his book.<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, please\u2026\u201d I blurted out<\/p>\n

He lowered the book and looked at me and smiled again. Just a shy smile. I didn\u2019t want him to hide behind that book again, so I smiled back. It was a strange thing that happened. I had resisted smiling and wanting to be happy for days now, and suddenly I was smiling at a complete stranger and the whole world shifted and seemed suddenly different.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m glad!\u201d and he nodded as though to emphasise the words \u201cMy name\u2019s Adam Cartwright\u201dand he extended his hand towards me.<\/p>\n

It was such a grown up thing to do and here I was, all alone on this train and about to shake hands with a real growing up boy. I smiled again and put my hand into his and he shook it, firmly but gently. I withdrew my hand and looked at it as it returned to my lap as though under its very own violition. It looked just the same as usual but I knew it was not\u2026.something had happened when his fingers had touched mine. Just a warm tingle that trickled right up my arm and to my heart.<\/p>\n

Someone told me once that the ancient Romans believed there was a special vein that went from the ring finger on the left hand right to the heart, which was why they wore wedding rings there\u2026and that was what it felt like\u2026something warm coursing through that vein and touching my heart.<\/p>\n

He was looking at me as though expecting me to speak and I realised that I had to give him my name, so I did so, very gravely \u201cMy name is Jane Victoria Halcrow\u201d and I took a deep breath and exhaled.<\/p>\n

\u201cI like that, it\u2019s a good strong name!\u201d he said thoughtfully, with just a little crease furrowing above his black eyebrows and he made me smile again, as though there really was something special about MY name? And he didn\u2019t say something nonsensical either, like \u201cOh, what a pretty name\u2026\u201d like some would, he really sounded interested. \u201cHow old are you, Miss Halcrow?\u201d<\/p>\n

I looked into his face and into his eyes, looked to see if he were teasing me or being patronising as some are, but his eyes were steady, and looked into mine, as though he understood exactly how I felt and so I told him \u201cI was ten in January\u201d<\/p>\n

He nodded and again his brow furrowed, and a curl of black hair slipped over his forehead and he brushed it impatiently away<\/p>\n

\u201cI have two brothers\u201d he volunteered, in a kind of rush, as though he thought that would be the best way to start a conversation and I thought, perhaps he\u2019s shy, after all, he was only a boy! \u201cOne is six years younger than me, so that makes him a year older than you.\u201d<\/p>\n

I smiled and nodded, no wonder he understood how to talk to \u2018children\u2019, even if I were a girl, and that explained why he didn\u2019t dress up his words with pretty and sweet things, but sounded grown up and honest to goodness straight.<\/p>\n

\u201cHow olds the other brother?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh, Joseph? He\u2019s twelve years younger than me\u2026he\u2019s the baby of the family, we call him Little Joe\u201d he smiled then and it was a sad, wistful smile and I knew he was feeling homesick for these brothers now, and I wanted to go and hold his hand and tell him it was alright, he was with me now\u2026.\u201dHe\u2019s a scamp alright, keeps us all on our toes all the time!\u201d he sighed and I knew he wanted, needed to talk about them. He wanted to use words in order to keep them close and I understood exactly how he felt.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat\u2019s the other brothers name? The one just a year older than me?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh, we call him Hoss, because \u2013 because he\u2019s so big\u201d he grinned \u201cHis mother was Swedish and his real name is Erik, but we liked to call him Hoss.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWas his mother not your mother?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo, my mother died when I was born\u201d he delivered it off pat, as though it did not really matter, just a fact of life, but his eyes showed the pain. \u201cHoss\u2019 mother died when he was small so Little Joe\u2019s ma is \u2013 was \u2013 just his ma!\u201d his voice trailed off, and I, all of ten years old, felt that he was really very young.<\/p>\n

\u201cMy mama is going to die soon!\u201d I said very gravely and he shot me a look as though he couldn\u2019t believe what I was saying \u201cIt\u2019s true!\u201d I could feel the need inside me to get him to believe me, after all, I had told no one else, and no one else had told me, and \u2013 and telling him was the first time I had said it, so it was true\u2026and I was going to have to accept it. \u201cThat\u2019s why I\u2019m on this train going to my aunt and uncles with those horrible boys\u2026..\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDon\u2019t you like boys?\u201d he grinned, a lop sided grin that made his eyes twinkle<\/p>\n

\u201cThere are boys and there are boys\u2026\u201d I replied in the way my mother would have said it when referring to Arthur and Richard, because she had never liked them either.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019d like my brothers\u201d he said then, \u201cYou\u2019d get on well with Hoss, being the same age an\u2019 all\u2026..and he\u2019s gentle and kind, and shy and quiet\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIs he \u2013 is he fun to have around?\u201d I asked tentatively, because to me, it sounded as though this Hoss were rather boring, I much preferred the sound of the younger brother, Little Joe.<\/p>\n

\u201cOh yes, great fun!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAre they here?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat? On the train? No, no\u2026\u2026I\u2019m on my way to college. This is the first time I\u2019ve ever left the Ponderosa for so long as I\u2019ll be gone\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat\u2019s the Ponderosa?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s the name of where I live. My pa and me and the boys, we live on a cattle ranch, it\u2019s a big house with over a thousand acres of grazing land and timber. Close by there\u2019s Lake Tahoe \u2013 \u201c his voice trailed away and I knew from the look in his eyes that for an instant he was back there, wanted to be there\u2026.his smile was rather shaky when he looked at me again \u201cWe round up and break horses. Do you like horses?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, I\u2019ve got one\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cReally? What\u2019s his name?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSometimes it\u2019s Rufas\u2026sometimes it\u2019s something else\u2026.\u201d My voice trailed off, I had told a lie\u2026I could even feel the heat of the blush that was even now creeping over my collar and I smiled and looked at him, \u201cIt\u2019s not a real horse though\u2026just one I make from my daddy\u2019s old chair and a broom with a blanket round it for a saddle.\u201d<\/p>\n

He guided me along the corridor to the dining car and we sat down opposite one another with the little table between us. No one sat with us, for once the dining car was very empty of hungry diners.<\/p>\n

\u201cHas your mother been ill for long?\u201d he asked very tactfully diverting the conversation away from my pretend horse<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, but she never told me she was ill, it was just I noticed things.\u201d I felt the tears prick my eyes again and turned away and looked dumbly out of the window.<\/p>\n

Soup was placed in a sturdy white china bowl and I looked down at it and blinked and two tears plopped into the soup creating in the centre of the greasy surface two dents which closed in upon themselves whilst little ripples of grease flowed over the surface of the soup.<\/p>\n

Trees and houses flashed by, all in a blur, and I could feel my nose running and couldn\u2019t remember where I had left my hanky, and the tears were streaming again\u2026and how kind he was to suddenly be sitting by my side and pushing a hanky, nice and clean, into my hand.<\/p>\n

So I sat there, sniffling and sobbing, feeling sorry for myself all over again, while he sat very close to me and I could feel the warmth of his young body close to mine and the smell of him, and he smelt of trees, that musky deep throated smell you get when walking through a forest on a warm summers day. I must be honest and truthful, but I dragged out that bawling for as long as it was sensibly possible, just so as not to give up my seat close to him. For the first time in a long time I felt the security of having a man \u2013 well,nearly a man \u2013 close by me. Of course, that made me think of daddy, and so I had a good bawl for his sake too\u2026..<\/p>\n

We ate that meal together in the dining car. Niether of us spoke throughout. It was as though we had said enough and to say more at that time would spoil the fragility of our sudden acquaintance. When he stood up to leave I scrambled out of the seat to follow behind him and with relief we returned together to take our seat in the train compartment. He picked up his book and with a sigh, began to read his book of poets.<\/p>\n

\u201cI read that two years ago!\u201d I said quickly, not wanting to relinquish his company just yet awhile.<\/p>\n

\u201cOh, so you know what it is all about then?\u201d he peeked around the side of the book at me and smiled<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, mummy used to be a teacher and we had a lot of books at home\u2026.\u201d Whoops, my chin was wobbling again so I swallowed hard and concentrated on what I was saying \u201cMummy read to me the complete works of Shakespeare and Edmund Spenser and Milton, and she liked the poets \u2013 she said America is producing the best poets now!\u201d I looked at him severely and he nodded<\/p>\n

\u201cDo you like poetry?\u201d he put the book down and looked at me thoughtfully<\/p>\n

\u201cDo you?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes\u201d he said it gravely as though it were something important to him and the quick flash of his eye made me wonder, child like, whether he thought my claim to liking poetry was the same as my claim to having a horse.<\/p>\n

\u201cWe liked John Greenleaf Whittiers poetry \u2013 especially Memories\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThe indian summer of the heart\u201d he smiled at me, shyly.<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd Walt Whitman, born 1819 \u2013 although sometimes I think I don\u2019t always understand what he\u2019s saying\u2026\u201d well, one had to be honest, didn\u2019t one? I looked at him and he was frowning slightly, as though what I had said was quite interesting, so I was enboldened to go on \u201c Henry Longfellow, born 1807 \u2013 he wrote A Psalm of Life in 1838\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDo you know it?\u201d he leaned forward and smiled and I, precocious brat that I was, nodded<\/p>\n

\u201cLives of great men all remind us
\nWe can make our lives sublime
\nAnd, departing, leave behind us,
\nFootprints in the sand of time\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cFootprints in the sand of time\u2026.\u201d he murmered, half to himself \u201cDo you think, Jane Halcrow, that you will leave such footprints?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t know\u2026I\u2019m only 10!\u201d I replied, for the question was considerable and I frowned to consider it.<\/p>\n

I sat there feeling smug, with my hands clasped together in my lap, looking at him and he, sitting there with an odd look on his face, and a question in his eyes<\/p>\n

\u201cYe are better than all the ballads
\nThat ever were sung or said
\nFor ye are living poems
\nAnd all the rest are dead\u201d\u201d I said, thinking that would divert his mind from any further comment about future footprints.<\/p>\n

\u201cYes\u201d he said in a very quiet voice and with a sigh he picked up his book and retreated behind its pages. I felt vanquished!!<\/p>\n

I felt excluded and alone! I stared out of the window and watched the houses flash past me and more and more houses crowd in along the land and I realised that soon we would be stopping, that we were near to reaching our destination and my travelling companion, my knight errant, would be gone. I struggled not to indulge myself in tears again and racked my brains to say or do something to regain his attention. Fear that I had offended him also niggled at the back of my mind and I could not bear to part from him knowing or even suspecting that possibility. I leaned forward and touched his arm<\/p>\n

\u201cMr Cartwright?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, Miss Halcrow?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDon\u2019t you like Henry Longfellows poem on Children?\u201d<\/p>\n

He smiled then, it was like watching the sun emerge behind a black cloud and making everything just right again, in my world at least.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s one of my favourites, Longfellow is one of my favourite poets – apart from Shakespeare and Milton!\u201d<\/p>\n

He frowned a little and looked at me then, a very deep look in his dark eyes and I had that odd feeling again, that I was swimming or drowning deep into his eyes. I swallowed hard, trying not to feel dizzy again.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019re very young\u2026\u201d he said in a quiet voice and a slight frown appeared above his dark eyes and I wanted to reach out and smooth them away, just as one would smooth out the creases in a piece of delicate paper \u201cbut\u2026I think you\u2019re also very brave.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThank you!\u201d I sat back, shrinking into my seat and thinking to myself that he wanted to say something else, but what he had said was just an alternative. I looked at him \u201cAre you going to college at Princeton?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes\u2026\u201d he smiled, dreamy, as though his thoughts were somewhere else and my words had jolted him back to the real world again.<\/p>\n

\u201cWe\u2019ll be stopping soon then\u2026.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes.\u201d He sighed and put his book away, as though had I not mentioned it he would have continued reading and forgotten to get off at his station.<\/p>\n

I wanted to say more\u2026something along the lines of \u201cMy Uncles the principal and no doubt I\u2019ll see you there\u201d but I could not find the words, just something stopped me. I don\u2019t think it was shyness on my part, just some strange swimmy kind of feeling.<\/p>\n

\u201cMr Cartright?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI hope everything will be alright for you \u2013\u201c it came out in a rush and I could feel the heat from my blushes creeping over my collar again<\/p>\n

\u201cThank you, and I hope everything goes well with you too\u2026.\u201d He put out his hand and very slowly I took it in mine and looked into his face\u2026oh, such a handsome dear face.<\/p>\n

I felt his hand tighten its clasp around mine before he released me and looked at me as though really seeing me for the very first time, and then he smiled<\/p>\n

I wanted to sound so grown up, but at the same time, I did not want this serious, shy young man to leave me thinking I was someone to laugh at \u2013 \u201cI do hope you will be happy, Mr Cartwright!\u201d I concluded lamely.<\/p>\n

\u201cHappy?\u201d he said with a arch to one of his eyebrows as though being happy was something not included in the immediate plans and then the whistle of the train drowned out any possibility of talking anymore\u2026there was the screeching of brakes and whistles and clattering\u2026a myriad sounds.<\/p>\n

He turned as he picked up his baggage and smiled that strangely wistful smile and I could only think of an expression my mama used when daddy died \u2013 \u2018tears in my dreams\u2019<\/p>\n

Oh, how I hoped, hoped, hoped to see him again \u2013 one day.<\/p>\n

Chapter 3<\/p>\n

\u201cDearest Pa, Hoss and Joe<\/p>\n

Here I am safe and sound at the college. I have settled in well enough although it will take some getting used to, having to share a room with another guy, and it being so small and cramped \u2013 the room I mean!<\/p>\n

I\u2019m writing this on the evening of my very first day here and shall post it off in the morning. But, as promised, I shall write every week although from what my room mate tells me, we shall be busy with studying and then I have to find work to occupy me and provide some funds when the semester is over.<\/p>\n

The journey seemed just about the longest of my life and the lonliest. I missed you all so much. It is hard to keep focassed on why I am here just now because all I keep getting are memories of you all, and thoughts of what you are doing and how busy you all are keep coming into mind and sometimes during the journey I just wanted to turn tail and come right back on home.<\/p>\n

Everything is so different here. The way they wear their clothes, even how they ride horses. It\u2019s busy, the place is crammed with people everywhere, there is constant noise. The only peace is when I open a book and can read, or immerse myself in thoughts of you all.<\/p>\n

Joe, did you find the little something special I left for you under your pillow. I remember the day you found this gold flake and that\u2019s why I inscribed your name and the date onto it\u2026.it\u2019s a special memory of a happy day and the fun we had together then. It may seem a strange thing to leave for you, but I knew you wouldn\u2019t like a book.<\/p>\n

Hoss, I sure could do with you around just now, to talk to and share this room with instead of this Micheal Hansard! He appears a bright enough lad but he is from this kind of world and knows more of how to survive amongst these people than I!<\/p>\n

I left a gift for you too, Hoss, something I knew you were hankering after – Will Cass promised to keep it safe so when you are next in town just go on in and ask for it, he\u2019ll know what you mean. I know you\u2019ll like it because you\u2019ve been saving up for it for ages now.<\/p>\n

Pa\u2026I miss you but I shall not write too much about that because it is too hard. But I must tell you about an odd experience I had on the train.<\/p>\n

I had a compartment but decided it was too crowded with folk so went to look for somewhere quieter when I found a compartment almost empty, just a little girl who had fallen asleep holding a violin case. She looked so alone. But when I looked at her it was as though I were looking at what Inger must have looked like when she was all of ten years of age.<\/p>\n

Well, I hadn\u2019t been there reading for many minutes when she almost fell into a heap on the floor and I stopped her just in time and helped her back into her seat. She looked at me with very blue eyes and her eyes seemed as old as \u2013 oh I don\u2019t know how to describe it, except that she seemed so solemn, and it made me think of Inger even more so, although I doubt if Inger were ever this thin and frail and vulnerable looking.<\/p>\n

We got to talking and she turned out to be ten years old and sent to live with her relatives because her mother was dying. Her heartbreak was touching to the extreme. Just imagine it, Hoss, being packed off somewhere strange and unfriendly knowing your ma was dying without you near her. With all our history of such losses I felt my heart tug for her, I can tell you!<\/p>\n

We talked a little and then she started to quote poetry\u2026. There I was feeling sorry for myself and all alone and this little girl starts to spout poetry at me. Is that just a coincidence or what? I just felt such a certainty that everything was going to be alright now\u2026as though she were like my guardian angel!<\/p>\n

A funny little angel though\u2026.a blotchy face from crying too much, and freckles. Pale blonde hair and very intense blue eyes and the whitest teeth with a gap between the front ones\u2026can\u2019t imagine an angel like it? We were about to part as the station loomed near when she put her hand on my arm and it felt like \u2013 something important and not to be forgotten \u2013 significant almost \u2013 and then she said she hoped that I would be happy\u2026.what a strange thing for a child of 10 to say to a complete stranger!<\/p>\n

I looked back as I left the compartment and she was just standing there, so thin and frail and pale clutching her violin case. I didn\u2019t see her again. I wonder if I ever will? But, just when I needed some reassurance, some thing to lift my spirits, she was there\u2026.<\/p>\n

Now I feel as though I am rambling\u2026.I just can\u2019t get her sad little face out of my mind! Makes a change from chasing memories of you all, doesn\u2019t it?<\/p>\n

I shall write again soon, and if I do see my guardian angel again, I shall let you know<\/p>\n

My love to you\u2026.your everloving son, brother \u2013 Adam\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThat was a funny story\u201d Joe said after some minutes had elapsed<\/p>\n

\u201cKinda sad\u2026poor kid!\u201d muttered Hoss, his mind already drifting to his next visit to the store to see what Will Cass had waiting for him.<\/p>\n

Ben said nothing, but put the letter to one side and held Joe close to him. To send a child away, alone, its mind on the fact that a loved parent would soon be dead\u2026he shivered and his hold on Joe tightened even more so.<\/p>\n

Chapter 4 – 1848<\/p>\n

It\u2019s been six months now since I came here. During that time I have grown quite fond of my aunt and uncle and realised that my former dislike was based purely on my own childish fears and assumptions.<\/p>\n

My aunt, the sister of my mother, is a kind hearted soul, and seems to want to only please everyone. An impossible task of course so she often corkscrews herself into passions of misery when things do not work out as she had hoped. Whilst my mother was slim and blonde, my aunt is blonde and \u2013 well \u2013 I guess to put it plainly, very cuddly and well rounded. Her legs and feet, when I once saw them in their white stockings with the little red shoes , reminded me of two plump exclamations marks\u2026for her legs were so chubby and her feet so small!<\/p>\n

She was not of any great intellect, which was a pity because with all her kindnesses to others she deserved better than the treatment she received. Uncle was a clever man and once he realised I was not the kind of little girl who just played with dolls and wanted pretty clothes, but preferred instead to read his books and talk about what I had been reading as intelligently as I could to a man of his learning, he was quite pleasant to me. Only last night he put his hand on my shoulder and said that I had better appreciation for the classics than some of his students. A fine compliment indeed.<\/p>\n

Arthur and Richard stayed out of my way, and I, out of theirs. They had reached an obnoxious age for boys, well, some of them. I could never imagine my Knight Errant being part of their wild group on the campus. Of course I was not allowed to go onto campus. I was taken to school in the family coach and the family coach picked me up and returned me to the private entrance of the Principals house. We had our own garden with a hgh wall so that none of the students could peek over and see what we were doing. Life carried a certain amount of tedium with it. School was much as one could expect from an all girls school \u2013 lessons in the basics, lessons in etiquette, lessons on how to conduct oneself and lessons older girls taught us about how life really was\u2026\u2026not for the faint hearted. I ducked out of any association with them as soon as I could..<\/p>\n

Returning to when I arrived at my aunt and uncle\u2019s home, it was dark and late and I was ushered up to my room immediately with Sarah, the maid, lugging up my one battered suitcase. My mothers letter was there, sitting primly by the lamp and I ran to open with such a beating heart that by the time I had the letter out of the envelope I was feeling dizzy and could hardly read the writing.<\/p>\n

I must have read two sentences before I fainted. Aunt said I fell flat on to my best feature which was not my derriere, but my nose! For the first two weeks there I was ill in bed, and the doctor told aunt that it was shock and exhaustion and uncle told her off for letting me have mothers letter to read without her first talking to me about it.<\/p>\n

For another two weeks I was just so very unhappy and sad. The realisation that mama had died while I was on that train was really very hard to bear. It was all just so unreal, so impossible to take hold of in my own mind.<\/p>\n

But children of nearly eleven have quite robust constitutions I suppose and it was not long before I was up and about and playing my fathers fiddle and generally driving aunt and the servants to distraction which was why they decided to send me to school.<\/p>\n

Six months and I had never seen nor heard about Adam Cartwright. At breakfast, the only time I saw Arthur and Richard, I would eavesdrop quite heartily hoping to hear some reference to the westener.from the Ponderosa. Nothing! Nothing at all!<\/p>\n

Snow was falling outside. I sat by my desk and tried to cncentrate on the book I was reading but all I could do was stare out at the grey skies and wallow in nostalgia. My head hurt because Sarah had screwed my hair into rags so tightly to make ringlets, and now the rags were gone my head felt like it was exploding. I needed to get out and feel the snow on my face.<\/p>\n

If Sarah saw me she would have stopped me so I threw on my coat and pulled on my boots and ran as fast as I could down the long steep flight of stairs. So fast that my feet began to run without the rest of me catching up and before I knew it I had tumbled and was rolling most undignifiedly down the remaining six stairs.<\/p>\n

\u201cAre you alright?\u201d<\/p>\n

Strong hands with long strong fingers raised me up and then set me down very carefully onto the bottom step. His hands held me steady until I could open my eyes and look at him without my head lolling from one side to the other.<\/p>\n

His brown eyes made my head swim just as before and I looked at him for too long. He was looking at me with a quizzical, \u2018where do I know that face\u2019 look in his eyes and then he smiled<\/p>\n

\u201cMiss Halcrow?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI didn\u2019t think I\u2019d ever see you again, Mr Cartwright\u201d I blurted out, resisting the urge to rub my head and my other sore parts<\/p>\n

\u201cIt seems we\u2019re destined to meet whenever you are about to take a tumble\u201d he smiled and his dark eyes twinkled down at me and I wanted to hug him there and then.<\/p>\n

\u201cDid you come to see uncle?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh, uncle is it?\u201d his brow creased and he smiled \u201cIf he\u2019s the principal , then, yes \u2013 I have.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ll take you.\u201d I smiled up at him, he was already so tall, I could have got a crick in my neck looking up at him all the time.<\/p>\n

One of the joys being just a child and that is being able to do things that young ladies of 17 would not be permitted \u2013 such as taking hold of his hand and walking along the hallway as though he were the closest friend I had in the world. Such liberties would not be tolerated in some households I would think, but uncle was quite tolerant, with me anyway.<\/p>\n

\u201cIs it anything serious?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t know\u2026it could be\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

I looked at him and could see that he was worried, his eyes had gone darker and his brow was creased. I stopped and looked at him with my head at an angle so that I could get him in focas<\/p>\n

\u201cIs it one of your brothers? Are they ill?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cMy brothers? Oh \u2013 you remembered?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, Hoss and Joe. I remembered\u201d I thought it best not to add that I had remembered every word he had spoken to me that little time we shared on the train.<\/p>\n

\u201cThey\u2019re all very well.\u201d And he sighed and was about to continue on towards uncle\u2019s study but I pulled him back<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat has happened then? Are you ill?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo, I\u2019m in good health, thanks.\u201d He laughed, as though my concern for his welfare amused him, and I must have looked disappointed because he stopped laughing and squatted down on his haunches so that he and I were eye to eye<\/p>\n

\u201cI may have to leave \u2013\u201c<\/p>\n

\u201cAlready?\u201d I blurted out<\/p>\n

\u201cI can\u2019t find any work \u2013 this town is full of students looking for work to keep them going, and my pa isn\u2019t rich \u2013 he\u2019s struggled to get me here, and finance some of the burden of my education, but I need to find work to keep me afloat. I guess that\u2019s a bit hard for you to understand\u2026\u201d and he frowned and with a sigh stood up.<\/p>\n

His legs seemed to go on forever, and I looked up and felt my neck crick and shook my head<\/p>\n

\u201cMr Cartwright, you don\u2019t want to leave yet, do you?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo, but sometimes what we want to do, and what we actually can do\u2026are two different things.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhy can\u2019t you get work?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBecause there\u2019s nothing available\u2026.\u201d He sighed and continued to walk on and then knocked on my uncle\u2019s door.<\/p>\n

Of course, I followed and before he could speak I ran up to uncle with my arms outstretched for a hug, and uncle laughed, as he always did at what he called my exuberance, and he swung me up into his arms<\/p>\n

\u201cWell now, my dear, who have we got here?\u201d uncle\u2019s voice was very gruff, but I never minded that now because I knew that beneath his very clever intellectual self, he was a very shy man.<\/p>\n

\u201cUncle\u201d I decided to talk as fast as possible before either he or Mr Cartwright could interuppt \u201cUncle this is Sir Galahad who came to my rescue on the train that day when I was coming to you\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAh, yes\u2026\u201d he looked at Adam Cartwright sternly, and the young man looked as though he wished the ground could swallow him up.<\/p>\n

\u201cPlease uncle please help him find some work\u2026..otherwise he will leave here again and I shan\u2019t never see him again!\u201d<\/p>\n

Looking back at all this I have to admit to being thoroughly ashamed at my blatent use of my uncle\u2019s affection for me, and the embarressing way I handled the whole matter. I don\u2019t suppose there\u2019s another eleven year old girl in the world who was so brazen as I was at that time!<\/p>\n

Uncle looked at me thoughtfully and then set me back down and stroked my hair<\/p>\n

\u201cSo, Sir Galahad has a problem, huh?\u201d<\/p>\n

I looked up at my uncle and smiled and he smiled and winked and turned me round and directed me to the door. I looked at Adam, but he seemed frozen to the spot. Not with fear though, MY Knight errant would not have known the meaning of the word.<\/p>\n

I waited in the hall. I sat on the very bottom step of the stairs with my chin resting in my hands staring out at the window as the snow came down ever more heavily. I wondered if Adam Cartwrights brothers were playing in the snow where they lived, so far away on that place called The Ponderosa.<\/p>\n

Never had a clock ticked away the time so slowly. Patience had never been a quality that I had found easy to accept, although I was learning it with aunt! I decided to count so many stairs, and then when I reached the bottom step he would be coming out of the study\u2026..one. two. Three. Four. Five. Six. Five. Four. Three. Two. One.<\/p>\n

I could hear the murmer of my uncles voice. So I climbed up six more steps and then back down and then sat and waited. The door opened and Sir Galahad stepped forward with a smile on his lips and his eyes twinkling. He looked at me and pulled his features into a more stern look, one of reproof and had I not known that he was pretending I would have been mortified\u2026as it was I bounced up from the stairs and ran towards him<\/p>\n

\u201cIs everything alright now? Is it all going to be alright?\u201d<\/p>\n

He looked down at me and smiled and I stood still immediately and looked up at him as if he were indeed Sir Galahad and about to hand me the holy grail\u2026.<\/p>\n

\u201cYour uncle has suggested a few things \u2013\u201c he said quietly, gravely<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd?\u201d I tugged at his hand eagerly, like a puppy who longed for his master to hand him the bone<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd it means I will be able to stay on with my studies\u201d<\/p>\n

I laughed. What a little hoyden I was. I laughed and clapped my hands\u2026and did a little happy dance there and then in the hallway.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat are you going to do?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, apparently your uncle has a library that needs to be catalogued and put into some semblance of order\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019ll like uncle\u2019s library, it has the biggest collection of poetry books, and \u2026and it is very untidy\u2026.it\u2019ll take at least ten years to put it right.\u201d I hugged myself, wonderful, wonderful uncle\u2026.not only was my knight errant getting his education but he would be coming to the house and I would be able to see him.<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd I have another job \u2013\u201c<\/p>\n

\u201cReally?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI believe you have a pony..a real one this time \u2013\u201c he smiled and his eyes crinkled.<\/p>\n

\u201cRufas!\u201d I sighed \u201cRufas doesn\u2019t like me \u2013 he bites me everytime I see him. \u201c<\/p>\n

\u201cHave you ever managed to get into the saddle?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo.\u201d I frowned and shook my head \u201cHe frightens me. I think he\u2019s so high up there and that it would hurt if I fell off. It\u2019s different from my Rufas at home\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

He nodded and looked at me and sighed<\/p>\n

\u201cMy other job is to teach you to ride \u2013 \u201c he squatted again, so that we were eye to eye \u201cLook, Miss Halcrow, I\u2019ve already made arrangements to visit my grandfather for a few weeks \u2013 during that time do you think you could try and get friendly with Rufas? It\u2019ll make my job a whole lot easier\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBut Rufas hates me\u2026.\u201d I whined<\/p>\n

\u201cYou really mean, that you hate him \u2013 or is it that you\u2019re afraid of him?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHe always tries to bite me\u2026\u201d I wheedled, trying to brush aside the accusation that I was in the wrong here and Rufas, the beast, was the victim of MY dislike.<\/p>\n

He looked at me seriously and I had that strange swimming feeling again, as though I was sinking into his eyes and nothing else existed at all\u2026.I shook my head to get myself re-emerged so to speak\u2026and he smiled and put his hand gently on my shoulder<\/p>\n

\u201cHorses don\u2019t dislike folk, unless they\u2019re mean to them\u2026if you talk to him very gently, and give him something to eat\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHe bites my fingers everytime\u2026 \u201c I complained<\/p>\n

\u201cThen just talk and let someone else feed him, but let him see that it\u2019s you who\u2019s providing the goodies\u2026.until you feel confident enough to feed him yourself..then when I get back we can take it from there.\u201d<\/p>\n

I thought about it, as we walked hand in hand to the front door, I realised that if I were not careful I would be talking myself out of seeing him regularly, even if it were at the stables and with that horse!<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ll do my very best!\u201d I promised<\/p>\n

He let my hand drop and looked at me and nodded \u201cI\u2019ll see you when I get back!\u201d he said very softly.<\/p>\n

I could only nod my head and watch as he opened the door and walked out into the snow. Suddenly building snow men and tossing snow balls no longer had any appeal. I ran up the stairs and back into my bedroom so that I could look down and watch my knight errant walking back to the college. Snow fell softly down and mantled his dark head with white petals \u2013 perhaps he realised I was watching for he glanced upwards and paused to look at my window and I waved and he raised his arm and then swiftly departed from my sight.<\/p>\n

Chapter 5<\/p>\n

\u201cDear Pa<\/p>\n

I had a good journey to grandfathers, despite the inclement weather\u201d Ben smiled to himself at his sons use of such a fine word, inclement indeed\u2026? \u201c It was strange to see grandfather and yet he seemed more than pleased to see me. We sat and talked late into the night, not only that night, I must admit, but many a night since.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m sorry this letter is so long in being written to you. I was very anxious about the situation with regard to Hoss getting hurt in that timber yard accident. Your reassurances that arrived last week, were very very greatly appreciated. Did he get the letter I sent to him? Will he be alright, pa? No limp or anything like that?<\/p>\n

I can understand how upset Joe must have been, it is bad enough when you see someone you care for in such a situation but when you actually see the accident take place\u2026well, it must have brought back to mind some pretty bad memories for the lad.<\/p>\n

Another reason for my delay in writing, pa, was because grandfather had arranged for me to go on a sailing ship with Captain Jackson, who sends you his regards, having fond memories when you both sailed together with grandfather as your captain. I sailed on a clipper for a whole week, pa. Quite an experience. Grandfather says that I would make a good seaman. What do you think, pa? Would you say that I have saltwater in my veins and that the sea was calling my name?<\/p>\n

I return to Princeton next week. I have some work which will help with the expenses and grandfather has paid me a salary for working in the store, which is going from strength to strength.<\/p>\n

Oh, that reminds me, I met up with my little guardian angel again\u2026just when I needed a helping hand although she is a real minx. All of eleven years old and she has her uncle eating out of the palm of her hand. A pretty little thing now though\u2026.her uncle is hoping to send her to Europe soon so that she can develop her musical talents, I believe he is hoping that she will be a violinist. I wonder if she has the temperment!<\/p>\n

Ah well, there is grandfather calling again\u2026I shall get this letter sent on now and await yours at college..your fond son, Adam\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

Ben folded the letter away and smiled once more to himself. He was missing Adam far more than he would ever acknowledge in any letter of his, knowing that Adam would be quick to return home had he any idea there was trouble. He looked about him and frowned slightly, the room seemed just the same, it was just different\u2026.Hoss and Joe were playing chequers by the fire, outside a gale blew and snows were piled high, he wondered how Adam had fared in a clipper ship during winter and smiled, knowing that his son would have viewed it all as a mighty fine adventure.<\/p>\n

Hop Sing came from the kitchen and began to place food down on the table and he smiled over at Ben and nodded, his wise old eyes seeing more that most could. At the sound of plates rattling, Hoss bounded up, with a smile creasing his cheeks. He had a slight limp from the accident at the timber yard, and that would soon go as he had the resilience of youth on his side. Ben shook his head, if they had not been so short handed Hoss would have been safely at school,but as it was\u2026\u2026\u2026.Joe was already seated, piling his plate high and laughing, teasing his elder brother with his usual high spirits. Ben sighed, and looked at the empty chair and shook his head. Perhaps if he just moved the chair away, just for the time being\u2026\u2026.<\/p>\n

Chapter 6 – 1850<\/p>\n

I galloped at a steady pace. Mainly because Adam Cartwright would never allow me to go too fast, he would often ride up to my side and draw back the reins so that Rufas slowed if he thought I was going too fast. I didn\u2019t mind it now but I recall one morning when he did it and it led to our very first argument.<\/p>\n

\u201cSlow down\u201d he glared at me with dark eyes much darker than usual, and his hair tousled and looking so much as I would expect my cavalier knight that I only urged Rufas to go faster. \u201cI told you to slow down.\u201d He shouted and pulled the reins back and rode his horse right up to Rufas\u2019 flanks so that he, surprised at this, slowed immediately and then stopped, snorting in protest.<\/p>\n

I slid down from the saddle and glared at the young man who was dismounting too and we stood staring angrily at one another<\/p>\n

\u201cI wanted to ride faster!\u201d I protested<\/p>\n

\u201cYou were riding quite fast enough for a young lady!\u201d he replied, narrowing his eyes<\/p>\n

\u201cI wanted to ride like Little Joe and Hoss and you ride on the Ponderosa\u2026.I don\u2019t want to be a young lady!\u201d and I stamped my foot down hard to emphasise the point<\/p>\n

\u201cIf Joe or Hoss rode that fast I would have stopped them too, and tanned their hide for being so disobedient and so reckless\u201d he snapped angrily back at me.<\/p>\n

\u201cI wasn\u2019t disobedient and I wasn\u2019t reckless\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cMiss Halcrow, while I\u2019m teaching you to ride and you are in my care, you and your horse are my responsibility and under my protection\u2026now if you disobey me\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI didn\u2019t !\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou did!\u201d<\/p>\n

Without another word I pulled Rufas\u2019 reins from his hands and attempted to remount into the saddle, only to have him grab me around the waist and haul me back down onto my feet. So, there we were, facing one another once again, with blazing eyes and thin lips and steam practically coming out of our ears. The whole beauty of the day had faded from our sight, and thoughts ..and I realised that I was not so much angry with him, as very disappointed that he could be angry with me.<\/p>\n

\u201cI want to ride Rufas!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOnly if you ride him as you should\u2026\u201d he held out the reins to me, and I could see his temper fading and reasonableness coming back into his eyes and that made me calm down and feel just plain miserable \u201cMiss Halcrow\u2026.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDon\u2019t call me Miss Halcrow\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNow what else am I supposed to call you?\u201d he smiled at me, although his eyes were still wary, and he crooked one eyebrow which usually made me smile<\/p>\n

\u201cCall me Jane\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou know I can\u2019t\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhy not? Why can\u2019t I call you Adam?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBecause I\u2019m a student here and you\u2019re the Principals niece. It\u2019s the way things are\u2026\u201d he frowned as though he didn\u2019t like it either.<\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t like it, you\u2019re not my servant\u2026things like that shouldn\u2019t be allowed\u2026\u201d I took a deep breath and bowed my head as I tried to think out further argument in support of my case \u201cWe\u2019re friends, aren\u2019t we?\u201d I mumbled, hearing in my own ears how thin my voice was now.<\/p>\n

\u201cI hope so\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSo can\u2019t I call you Adam?\u201d I glanced up at him and looked at his face and he sighed and frowned and then his face gentled and he smiled and I thought I had won but he squatted down and took my hand in his, very kindly and looked up into my face<\/p>\n

\u201cThere are other things to be considered. When you are older, you\u2019ll understand why it\u2019s more sensible to observe formalities like this. You\u2019re a sensible girl, and far more intelligent than most, so you have to see that your uncle trusts me to take good care of you, and to make sure that you\u2019re safe\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI only want you to call me Jane\u2026\u201d I whispered, looking at his face and trying to make my eyes as appealing as possible.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019ll understand when you\u2019re older!\u201d was all he said before releasing my hand and turning to his horse and remounting.<\/p>\n

I rode by his side slowly, thinking over what he had said, after all, what harm was there in using our first names, we were friends, were we not? And why could I not ride like I always imagined Joe and Hoss riding on the Ponderosa. I wanted him to enjoy riding here just as he would have enjoyed it back at his home\u2026.I glanced over at him and saw that his face was very pensive and so I put out my hand and touched his arm<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m sorry.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI know\u2026\u201d he slowed his horse even more and looked at me thoughtfully and then began to speak in a sad sombre tone of voice I had not heard him use before, \u201cAnother reason why I want you to be so careful when you ride\u2026.not so long ago, about 18 months before I came here, my step mother was thrown from a horse. She trusted that horse, ridden him for years, but she came riding up to the house so fast that it threw her when she tried to get him to stop\u2026.Joe was only five, and I\u2019ll never forget the horror on his face when he saw his mother fall from that horse.\u201d<\/p>\n

I took a deep breath and felt the tears rush to my eyes\u2026I hasten to say that it was not out of sorrow for his step mother, although I was sad for Joe, but quite selfishly my tears were out of the thought that his anger had been as a result of his caring about my safety, and the thought of that touched me deeply. I had reached that age when girls get emotional over all kinds of things, and this, to me, was proof enough that he had some feelings for me, and for that I was more than grateful.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat \u2013\u201c he continued \u201cif something like that would happen to you while you were in my care and under my protection? How could I face your aunt and uncle to tell them that I had allowed you to be reckless enough to put your life in danger? And what about Rufas? If you ride a horse too hard you could break his wind, and ruin him for life\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m sorry \u2013 I\u2019m really sorry\u201d I whispered, the tears trickling down my cheek and now I did think of his step mother and what a terrible scene it must have been for them all and I felt utterly ashamed that I could have been so negligent \u201cI\u2019ll be good, I promise\u2026.\u201d<\/p>\n

He seemed satisfied and nodded, and then urged his horse into a trot, and I, mounted on dear plump Rufas, trotted along behind him, much as a squire would trot behind his sir Knight long years ago.<\/p>\n

At the end of the hour we parted as usual and I turned to look back at him as he rode away, he rode beneath a tree and the early morning mist enshrouded him and took him from my sight until he rode a little further into the sun\u2026what a picture it was indeed\u2026one I would never forget.<\/p>\n

\u2026\u2026\u2026\u2026.<\/p>\n

Time slipped by, seasons came and went, years passed and now I was 13 years of age. We were approaching Graduation and I knew that Adam Cartwright was as nervous as any of the other students about his coming graduation day. His grandfather, Captain Abel Stoddard, was going to come and see him graduate, but his father and brothers would not, the distance and the expense of travelling was far too much.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s not just the money,\u201d he explained one morning as we rode side by side \u201cIt\u2019s the time\u2026pa has so much work on at the moment, and there\u2019s only so much that he can do.\u201d He frowned at the thought and shook his head \u201cHe works too hard, and all the time he would be here he would be thinking of what should be done back home, and what could be going wrong. Things are changing back there\u2026.since the gold strikes in San Francisco and California there\u2019s a lot going on.\u201d<\/p>\n

I tried to imagine \u2018a lot going on\u2019 but it meant nothing to me and I felt just so sad that he would only have an old man to watch him graduate. I promised him that I would be there, and that I would sit beside his grandfather and make sure that we both applauded as loudly as we could when he went to collect his Graduation papers.<\/p>\n

\u201cI reckon that would make my grandpa mighty happy\u201d he said slowly with his eyes twinkling.<\/p>\n

We rode back and I dismounted from Rufas and led him into the stall. Adam had always told me that I should get to know my horse really well, that I should be the one to feed it, comb and curry it, and fuss over it. Sometimes, if time permitted, he would help me to unsaddle and unharness the horse before I cleaned up, but not this particular morning, although we were back rather earlier than usual.<\/p>\n

\u201cMr Cartright, did I tell you that \u2013\u201c I paused as a shadow fell upon the floor where the sunlight had been dappling it only seconds before.<\/p>\n

\u201cAdam?\u201d<\/p>\n

He turned, and I could see the colour slowly mantle his neck beneath his collar and a rather shy, embarressed smile came to his lips as he looked in the direction of the open door. A young woman stood there, a pretty girl, and she smiled at him and raised her eyebrows and mouthed a silent message, but I could understand what she was saying well enough and scowled at her angrily<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ll not be much longer\u2026\u201d he said which meant I had been correct in interpreting her silent message as \u201cHow much longer will you be?\u201d and then he turned to me \u201cYou don\u2019t mind, Miss Halcrow, if I leave you to look after Rufas on your own, only I have to keep an appointment\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWith her?\u201d I asked, trying not to let my voice betray my feelings<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd some other students\u2026.there\u2019s an end of class project that we\u2019re doing together\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWill I see you tomorrow?\u201d<\/p>\n

He turned towards the girl who was standing with her hands clasped behind her back and swaying too and fro, as though growing impatient. Then he smiled hurridly back at me and walked quickly away. I watched them go out of the door together, laughing in that intimate way good friends can laugh when about to share time together.<\/p>\n

He never came the next day, only a brief note to say that he had been detained and was too busy. The next day was the same. The third day it rained heavily but I, obstinate and determined to prove to him, as well as to myself, that I no longer needed his help, rode out on Rufas for my early morning ride.<\/p>\n

I thought of the times we had shared riding together, of the moments in the library when I sneaked in to help him with the never ending task of tidying uncle\u2019s library. The hot coffee and cookies that were sent up for us to enjoy in front of the fire as we shared snippets of verse, or prose, from some of the old books. Well, the library was tidy now, the most orderly it had ever been. And I could ride Rufas, and any other horse in my uncles\u2019 stables had I a mind to do so\u2026.thanks to Adam Cartwright.<\/p>\n

The rain streamed down. It soaked through my clothes and down my neck and filled my boots. I rode back miserable, wet through and with a sore throat. Rufas, head down, hated the rain and he was sodden through as well.<\/p>\n

I spent longer than usual making sure he was alright. I combed him, dried him, curried him\u2026.I gave him water to drink and made sure his bed was dry and comfortable. I cuddled him and kissed him and felt incredibly guilty \u2013 I had been selfish again, and dreaded to think that dear Rufas would be the innocent victim of my neglect now.<\/p>\n

The following morning I was ill with what my aunt described as a heavy cold but which gradually progressed to something much worse. I became delirious and feverish and the doctor was called to give his opinion and medication \u2013 at considerable expense. I spent days slipping in and out of consciousness, aware of my aunt sitting by my bedside and sometimes my uncle. I thought my mother was there and called out to her, and when I saw my father \u2018we\u2019 sang songs from the auld country that he had taught me years yon.<\/p>\n

I begged to see Rufas and wept bitterly when they told me he could not \u2018be made available\u2019 \u2013 (of course, I laugh about that now) \u2013 and I pleaded to see Adam Cartwright, even if just for a little while. But he never came!<\/p>\n

Gradually I improved thanks to what the doctor called my robust constitution and stubborn personality! I began to take notice of what was going on around me, to take light meals and to, thankfully, be taken out of the bed and to a chair by the window. From the window Martin, the stableboy, paraded Rufas up and down to assure me that he was quite well, although decidedly plumper.<\/p>\n

But Adam Cartwright never came. What did come, however, was a letter that dismayed me entirely, but one that my aunt brought to my room with the air of a conquisadore\u2026<\/p>\n

\u201cMy dear girl, here is some news that will bring the roses back into your cheeks\u201d she declared with a generous smile on her plump face and she settled down on the chair by my side and put her hand over mine and gave me a gentle squeeze \u201cYour uncle and I have been planning this for some time, as a surprise for you\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cA surprise? For me?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHere, read it \u2013\u201c she held it out and then drew it back and devoured it with her eyes and then looked at me with loving affection. There was no doubt about it, she deeply cared for me and that thought helped me considerably in dealing with what was about to befall me \u201cI\u2019ll read it myself\u2026.listen, dear\u2026\u201d and she read a lengthy letter that, summing up in a few brief words, meant that I would be leaving Princeton, leaving America, leaving AdamCartwright far behind me in order to be educated in Switzerland!<\/p>\n

\u201cWhy Switzerland?\u201d I asked timidly<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s a beautiful country, and it\u2019s healthy and the education is wonderful there. We want you to learn music, Jane, and you\u2019ll be taught by the very best there\u2026\u2026.\u201d<\/p>\n

I turned my head away and looked out of the window and could say nothing. My world was slowly falling into pieces about me and only her presence, happy and contented soul that she was, prevented me from bursting into tears.<\/p>\n

It would be easy to think, from what I have written, that I was a dour soul, and quarrelsome and miserable all the time. But in actual fact I was not like that at all, it is just that in writing this little history things relative to the subjects concerned were, at this point, more negative than positive.<\/p>\n

Chapter 7<\/p>\n

Rufas was more than pleased to see me the morning I finally suceeded in getting to the stables to make sure that he really was alright and had not forgotten me. I fed him an apple and was leaning against the bars of the stall when I became aware of someone standing quite close to me and so I turned to see who it was –<\/p>\n

We both looked at one another and I am sure had the same expression on our faces and that was one of surprise at the changes we saw in one another. I had been ill for six weeks and in that time had grown taller, much thinner, with a few curves whereas he \u2013 well, he looked sad and drawn and haggard, dark shadows smudged the sockets of his eyes, which seemed dull as they looked at me.<\/p>\n

\u201cAre you better?\u201d he asked softly, approaching closer so that he could stroke Rufas and fuss him.<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, thank you\u201d I tried to sound more formal than usual for my disappontment in not hearing from him for the whole of six weeks was keen and sharp, and the pleasure I had felt at seeing him was almost a betrayal of the mood I had wanted to view him.<\/p>\n

\u201cDid you get my letter?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat letter?\u201d I frowned and looked at him with a feeling of discomfiture growing in my stomache \u201cNo \u2013 I did not receive a letter from you.\u201d<\/p>\n

He sighed and shook his head and ran his hand along Rufas\u2019 back whilst he looked him up and down as though he were at an auction and considering purchasing him<\/p>\n

\u201cI gave Richard a letter to give to you the day I left here \u201c<\/p>\n

\u201cI didn\u2019t know you had left Princeton\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThe day after you were taken ill \u2013 \u201c he leaned against the bars of the stall and crossed his arms over his chest and looked at me with a slight frown furrowing his brow \u201cDid you really think I would leave here without letting you of all people know why and where I was going? Ah well, as it is, I had to go and see my grandfather, he was taken very ill and asked for me to go to him. He died just a few days after I had got there and I had to make all the arrangements for his funeral\u201d he shuffled his foot through the dirt of the stable floor, moving it into a little mound and then flattening it down again \u201cHe left me all that he had\u2026.quite an inheritance it seems!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI am sorry that he died, Mr Cartwright\u201d I knew I sounded rather lacking in warmth, but I was only 13 and I had no real idea of how to deal with such a situation, had I been older, and were I allowed to be less formal with him, and if it had been at all possible to show how I really felt, even then, about him, then I would have taken him into my arms and held him close and wept for him, with him. \u201cI really am very sorry\u201d I said again, and put my hand gently on his arm.<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd you were so ill \u2013 \u201c he looked at me with his deep brown eyes looking less sombre now, and I nodded and looked suitably helpless \u201cYou should never have gone out in all that rain, you \u2013\u201c<\/p>\n

\u201cI know, it wasn\u2019t fair to Rufas was it? Thankfully he was fine, probably all the fat he carries on him!\u201d and I smiled and stroked Rufas\u2019soft velvety nose \u201cAt least you got here in time for Graduation Day\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI guess!\u201d he murmered and sighed, as though it meant nothing to him now<\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019ve your diploma\u2019s and things to collect, everyone \u2013\u201c<\/p>\n

\u201cThere won\u2019t be anyone now..\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ll be there\u201d I smiled brightly encouraging him to smile again which he did \u201cAnd you never know who else might turn up!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s true\u201d he laughed then, and I thought perhaps he was thinking of the girl who had come to get him from the stable, whilst I was thinking of someone entirely different. \u201cI guess I should have realised that Richard would not have given you the letter, but as I stressed how important it was, I thought he would have done the decent thing\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cRichard doesn\u2019t know what it is to do the decent thing-\u201c<\/p>\n

\u201cI just wanted to apologise for leaving you so abruptly and to explain why I had to go away, and to wish you a speedy recovery\u201d his eyes glanced up and down my now differently shaped body and he bit his bottom lip as though slightly perplexed \u201cI\u2019m sorry you were so ill\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m sorry you had to lose your grandfather, I know how much you cared for him\u201d<\/p>\n

We stood there, in the stable, standing close to one another but not close enough. He was so tall and during the three years he had changed from gangly adolescence to lean masculinity. When looking at his face one could see the man he would be whilst still able to see the boyish vulnerbility of who he had been. He had the face of one who knew his own mind, who was strong and dependable, loyal and brave.<\/p>\n

We said nothing for a little while, just enjoyed the smells of the stable, the warmth there, and the friendship we knew we shared together. Then he stepped back and sighed and the spell was broken and I knew he had to go\u2026<\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019ll be there tomorrow?\u201d he asked as he walked towards the door<\/p>\n

\u201cYes\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201c\u2019Til tomorrow then\u201d<\/p>\n

I could only nod, tomorrow meant goodbye.<\/p>\n

\u2026\u2026\u2026\u2026<\/p>\n

Everything was so busy and time flew by in a confusion of people rushing around organising things. The dias, the flowers, the chairs, rows and rows of them, and all the time people arriving. Students milled around in an attempt to sort out their own parents and relatives from the myriads that seemed to be poring out of the woodwork to be there to see their offspring graduate.<\/p>\n

I stood at the window and watched. There was a cool breeze and aunt had said I was to stay indoors until just before the ceremony. So I stood there and watched and waited and looked\u2026.although I was not sure who exactly I would be seeing!<\/p>\n

And then there they were\u2026..a tall man with greying hair and the fiercest black eyes imaginable, a man who stood out amongst the crowds of people there, not only because of his westernised clothing, but because he was the kind of man who would stand out in a crowd whether it were in Paris or London or Eagle Station (now called Virginia City) or whereever. The three of them cut a swathe through the crowd as the people just stepped back and they, looking niether to the left nor the right, strode on forwards towards the young man I could see standing alone and lonely by his chair.<\/p>\n

The two figures that flanked the older man were boys\u2026but I knew who they were, Hoss and Joseph. What a strapping lad Hoss Cartwright was indeed, as tall as his father and bigger. His blue eyes shone like stars in his face that was all over smiles and he was the first to reach his brother and wrap his arms about him and lift him off his feet \u2026and I felt a tear as it trickled its way down my cheek because I can\u2019t find the words to describe the joy on that young mans face when he saw his brothers and father .<\/p>\n

What fun Joseph looked to be\u2026he was prancing about around his brothers rather how I imagined a monkey in a zoo would cavort about had it a chance to do so. He was so handsome too, and his eyes were lovely\u2026.I think he was about 8 years old then, but he was as slim and pocket sized as Hoss was \u2013 well \u2013 quite the opposite!<\/p>\n

I watched them, I watched them laughing and crying and hugging and shaking hands and found myself smiling just for the pleasure of seeing them altogether. I doubt if I could remember a time when I had seen Adam Cartwright talk so much\u2026.<\/p>\n

\u2026\u2026\u2026..<\/p>\n

The ceremonials were over\u2026the students had mounted the dias, taken their diplomas and returned to their family groups. I felt as proud as could be when Adam went up to claim his and I clapped so hard that my hands tingled and aunt leaned forward and gave me a reproving look, to remind me that young ladies do not applaud that enthusiastically!<\/p>\n

Now people were mingling and talking and I knew that soon he would be taking his family to his room and gathering up his things, his belongings\u2026.packing them away ready for his departure. In my own room things were packed as well, ready for my leaving Princeton in a few days time.<\/p>\n

I stood away from the crowd, the small square of paper with my letter to him clasped between my fingers and I waited and watched.<\/p>\n

Finally they approached, and I felt myself suddenly timid for the father was so fearsome, so tall and so big\u2026with those fierce black eyes that must have seen so much in his one lifetime. I looked down and tried to think of some other way of getting my little note to him when I heard him talking and looked up and there he was, smiling down at me<\/p>\n

\u201cI clapped as hard as I could\u2026\u201d I mumbled before he had a chance to speak<\/p>\n

\u201cSo did I\u201d the boy Joseph said quickly<\/p>\n

I looked at him, I\u2019d never seen such a wild looking boy, albeit such a handsome one, and he grinned so merrily at me that I just had to return the smile and then Adam was introducing me to them and they were shaking my hand, all of them very gently but I was so awed that I couldn\u2019t even hear what Adam was saying, it was only when Mr Cartwright spoke that I seemed able to hear properly again\u2026.<\/p>\n

\u201cI am glad we had the chance to meet, Jane\u201d he said in the deepest voice I had ever heard \u201cto thank you for writing..and giving us the chance to get here to see Adams graduation \u2026it\u2019s been quite an experience!\u201d he looked fondly at Adam, and it was obvious that he was proud of him, if anyone had looked at me like that I would have been floating on air, as it was, Adam actually blushed and looked immensely pleased with himself.<\/p>\n

\u201cI didn\u2019t expect to see them here..\u201d he said to me, and his dark eyes looked directly into mine and I just smiled and nodded<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ve never been on a long journey by train before\u2026\u201d Joseph said and Hoss gave him a playful nudge with his elbow and they both began to laugh although I don\u2019t know why\u2026<\/p>\n

\u201cCan I give you this \u2013\u201c I turned to him quickly, suddenly longing to get away, swamped by the feeling that I was the intruder steading precious time from this family and so I pushed the little letter into his hand and then, standing on tip toe to reach him, I planted a kiss on his cheek \u201cGood bye, Mr Cartwright\u2026.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cGoodbye?\u201d he frowned and looked at the envelope and then at me, but I was already backing away, longing for the safety of my own room \u201cBut,Jane\u2026why good bye?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m leaving for Switzerland in a few days\u2026I have a lot to do\u2026Goodbye Mr Cartwright..\u201d I shook Ben Cartwrights hand and nodded to the two boys who were staring at me rather thoughtfully, and then I almost ran from them in the direction of the house.<\/p>\n

\u201cJane\u201d he caught me by the elbow and turned me round \u201cYou can\u2019t leave me so fast \u2013 there\u2019s things I want to talk to you about\u2026.\u201d<\/p>\n

I looked at him and thought that if I stayed any longer I would probably faint, something that seemed to happen to me at the most inconvenient times since I had been ill. He must have realised my distress and hopefully put it down to my illness for he released my arm and leaned forward and gently kissed my cheek<\/p>\n

\u201cMake fine footprints on the sands of time, Jane..\u201d he said quietly<\/p>\n

I shivered, he turned and walked back to his family and I turned to find myself firmly gripped by my aunts hand on my arm, and gratefully I was assisted back to the house. I knew I would not see him again and I wondered if he would smile when he read my letter and whether or not he would think it an odd co-incidence that I, also, had mentioned his leaving good footprints on the sands of time.<\/p>\n

Chapter 8 \u2013 1861<\/p>\n

My first glimpse of Virginia City was through a haze of dust and grit which billowed all around us as the stagecoach fairly rocketed through the towns main street. It finally stopped and all of us passengers were jostled against one another in a very rude way\u2026but we finally righted ourselves, adjusting our hats or bonnets and straightening our jackets.<\/p>\n

The two men stepped out first, one turned and politely held open the door for myself and the other woman, a rather elderly plump woman who came from London,England, and was called Clementine Hawkins. An amazing woman who talked almost non stop even when the two men fell asleep, which I thought very unfair, as it meant I was her sole captive victim.<\/p>\n

So I stepped down and looked around at this mushroom gold rush town. I was not looking at the stores or the banks but rather at the people who happened to be there just then\u2026I had convinced myself that after all this time I would look around and the first person I would see would be him and he would recognise me and walk towards me and say \u201cJane-\u201c<\/p>\n

I read too much! And I had convinced myself too easily that he would be there and everything would fall into place perfectly, just like a dream, or a fairy story. It was not to be, so I picked up my luggage and looked around again, this time for the sight of a hotel or boarding house.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ll help you with that if\u2019n you\u2019d like, little lady\u201d<\/p>\n

I looked around, thinking to find myself looking at the depot porter but instead found myself looking up into the bluest eyes which twinkled down at me with such a pleasant sincerity about them that I just passed over the luggage as naturally as could be\u2026<\/p>\n

\u201cWhar you headed, ma\u2019am\u201d he juggled the bags and cases about and stood there, a human mountain with a broad pleasant smile on his beaming round face<\/p>\n

\u201cThe Hotel please\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cEr \u2013 which one?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhich one would you recommend?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cFollow me\u2026\u201d he smiled and lumbered down the sidewalk, his feet thudding down onto the boards and making the dust billow like little dust devils around his ankles.<\/p>\n

I trailed behind him, holding onto my hat and keeping my skirts from getting too soiled in the dirt. All the time my eyes darted too and fro, scanning the faces of the people as we passed them by, constantly searching\u2026\u2026..<\/p>\n

\u201cHey, Hoss, where ya goin\u2019?\u201d<\/p>\n

I stopped abruptly, if I had not I would have collided into Hoss\u2019 back, and both he and I turned and looked at the young man lounging on the street corner, chomping at an apple<\/p>\n

\u201cTo the hotel Internationale\u2026this little lady kinda looked lost!\u201d he indicated me with a nod of his head and the younger man turned and looked at me and smiled, taking off his hat he tossed the apple away, to the gratitude of a mule tethered nearby who set to chomping at it with the same enthusiasm he had been moments earlier.<\/p>\n

\u201cWal, let me help\u201d he offered immediately<\/p>\n

\u201cThanks, little brother\u201d Hos muttered, handing over a suitcase for his brother to take hold but Joe merely took hold of my elbow and began to lead me through the streets, his eyes twinkling and his mouth smiling whilst he left Hoss behind re-arranging the suitcases all over again<\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019ll like the Internationale, it\u2019s pretty classy\u201d he glanced over at me and looked me up and down and must have decided I looked classy enough to be accommodated there for he smiled \u201cI\u2019m Joseph Cartwright from the Ponderosa\u2026that\u2019s my brother, Hoss\u2026\u201d he jerked his thumb in the direction of his brother who I could hear pounding along the sidewalk behind us.<\/p>\n

\u201cI know\u2026I remember you both from the last time we met\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWe met someplace before?\u201d he glanced at me, narrow eyed, as though I was making fun of him someway<\/p>\n

\u201cAt your brothers graduation in Princeton\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAdams?\u201d he frowned and looked at me again, and then shook his head \u201cI\u2019m sorry, I can\u2019t recall meeting you before, I\u2019d have remembered had I done so.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh, I was only a young girl then, Mr Cartwright, I\u2019ve changed a lot since then\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt was some time back\u2026.about ten years I\u2019d reckon.\u201d<\/p>\n

I smiled, how young he was, and yet how full of confidence, some would say arrogance, but I doubted that, he was just one of those youngsters who loved life and people and found it easy to get the very best out of both\u2026.he looked at me again<\/p>\n

\u201cAre you Jane?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, that\u2019s me\u2026just plain Jane\u2026.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cShucks, miss, I\u2019d never have said that you were in any way plain\u2026.\u201d His hazel eyes twinkled as they looked at me again, and his lips parted into a smile then he turned and stopped Hoss \u201cHoss, do you know who this is? Why, you\u2019d jest never guess\u2026.\u201d<\/p>\n

Hoss looked at his brother and then at me and sighed and shook his head and Joe laughed and slapped his brother on the chest in a friendly way<\/p>\n

\u201cHoss, it\u2019s Jane Halcrow\u2026.Adams little angel\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cShucks\u2026is that true?\u201d<\/p>\n

Two pairs of eyes bore into me as they looked me up and down, and I, well I was lost in the expression Adams little angel\u2026.had he really called me that?<\/p>\n

\u201cI should\u2019ve recognised you\u2026\u201d Hoss said apologetically and shaking my hand as he did so \u201cBut you\u2019ve changed a mite\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou sure have\u2026\u2026\u201d Joe drawled and then he gave a lop sided grin and jabbed his brother in the ribs \u201cHow about we take Jane for a meal once we\u2019ve deposited all her gear at the hotel, huh, Hoss?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAw,I dunno, little brother, we got some things to do for pa and \u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHey, they won\u2019t take but an itsy bitsy moment of our time\u2026\u201d Joe grinned his face lighting up with the thought of time away from chores and responsibility \u201cHow about it, Jane?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s alright, I\u2019d rather just rest once I get booked in. But we could go another day, when you have no chores for your father\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s it settled then\u201d Joe snapped his fingers \u201cTomorrow lunch time\u2026Del Monico\u2019s?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIf you say so..\u201d I laughed, it was easy to laugh with these two, they were so friendly, and so kindly helpful and I saw Hoss go a little pink in the face and grin sheepishly as though he were pleased but too shy to say so\u201dThank you, I shall look forward to it very much indeed.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSo shall I\u201d Joe said, tucking my arm into his and leading me off, with poor Hoss trailing behind with the luggage \u201cDon\u2019t worry about Hoss\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes,well\u2026I did think\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAw, don\u2019t think, Miss Halcrow, don\u2019t ever get to thinking!\u201d he chortled and looked as merry as a cricket so that I stopped thinking about Hoss immediately \u201cEvery year, see, we have the Founders Day fete\u2026you\u2019ve just missed out on it \u2013 and Hoss enters the wrestling and the arm wrestling and the strongest man competitions\u2026.so all in all, lugging that luggage of your\u2019n around is jest doin\u2019 brother Hoss a great big favour and helping him keep in shape for next year.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHow did he do this year?\u201d I laughed<\/p>\n

\u201cCame first every danged time!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd what competitons do you enter, Mr Cartwright?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cMe? Oh, various ones that necessitate skill beyond belief\u2026\u201d his eyes twinkled and he chuckled again \u201cDid Adam send for you?\u201d he asked, suddenly serious<\/p>\n

\u201cNo, he didn\u2019t!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDoes he know you\u2019re in town?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo, he doesn\u2019t!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDo you want us to tell him?\u201d<\/p>\n

I looked at him, behind the serious exterior I could see a twinkle of mischief lurking in his hazel eyes and then I looked at Hoss who just smiled and looked as innocent as the day was long\u2026I frowned slightly and then shrugged<\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s up to you\u201d I said finally and the way he glanced over at his brother I just knew that Joe was thinking up something wicked!<\/p>\n

\u201cYou can call me Joe\u201d he said<\/p>\n

\u201cI thought I had been\u2026\u2026.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI noticed you slipped into the Mr Cartright mode of address\u2026..that may suit older brother Adam, but I like to feel more comfortable about things\u2026.less formality you know\u2026\u201d he paused now and stopped in front of the Hotel and pushed open the door, stepping aside to let me enter and following in behind me, with Hoss close behind with the luggage.<\/p>\n

\u201cThank you both very much..thank you, Hoss, for helping me with the luggage.\u201d I put my hand on Hoss\u2019 arm and it was like touching metal and steel\u2026he had not even worked up a sweat!<\/p>\n

\u201cIt weren\u2019t no trouble, ma\u2019am\u201d he said gently, and smiled<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ll see you both tomorrow then\u2026at Del Monico\u2019s?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDon\u2019t you want us to help you to your room?\u201d Joe said, holding his hat to his chest and his face registering wholehearted willingness to be of assistance<\/p>\n

\u201cI think they may have people who get paid to do that\u2026.\u201d I reminded him with a laugh.<\/p>\n

\u201cWe\u2019ll see you tomorrow then, Miss Halcrow.\u201d Hoss nudged his brother, rocking him a little on his feet, and nodded over to the door. Obviously Hoss had more regard for his fathers temper than Joe and more respect for the responsibilities placed upon him and so, with a sigh, Joe nodded and with a final smile the two of them left the hotel.<\/p>\n

I was still smiling when I went to the hotel clerk and booked my self into a room. There was a long mirror in the room and cautiously I stepped before it and surveyed myself thoughtfully, critically. I was not overly tall, being a few inches over five feet, and I was slim with a pleasing enough figure. I had an oval face, high cheekbones, very blue eyes and long lashes (at last), my nose was much like my mothers in that it was rather an irregular shape. I had a wide mouth, well shaped lips and my teeth were all my own and all still where they should have been! My chin was square and as my aunt often reminded me, stubborn. I was not a beauty by any means, but I was not plain nor unattractive. I had small hands and feet. My hair was blonde, a dark honey blonde which went into golden streaks in the sunlight and I wore it long and in the French fashion, a chignon.<\/p>\n

After looking thus I went to the window and looked out at the street and the scene before me\u2026of stores, banks, a library and a blacksmiths, all higgly piggly bunched together on a wide and dusty main street. I stood there lost in day dreams for some minutes until I saw him\u2026.and my heart froze and stopped a beat.<\/p>\n

A girl of about seven years old, carrying a doll and wearing a chequered shirt and blue pants, was walking by his side, her free hand holding tightly onto his and she was looking up at him, talking and laughing.<\/p>\n

I watched as he looked down at her, the same look on his face that I recognised seeing so often when he had been with me all those years ago\u2026.a tenderness, a kindliness that softened the handsome features that I could see now had that same rather ruthless look that his father wore. He leaned down to her level, squatting on his haunches, explaining something to her for she was listening intently, and nodding and then, child like, she put her arms around his neck and hugged him, and he, standing up, carried her up with him, and held her in his arms.<\/p>\n

So, he was married, with a child. Why had Joe and Hoss not mentioned it? Was that look of mischief on Joe\u2019s face at my expense, and not Adams as I had imagined? I followed him with my eyes. He was taller, bigger built that the youth I remembered, darkly tanned, matured\u2026.he held her easily in the crook of one arm while she had her arm across his shoulders and her doll in the other.<\/p>\n

I had thought that he would see me and our eyes would meet and he would walk towards me and say \u201cJane\u201d\u2026\u2026\u2026\u2026now I knew it would never happen that way after all.<\/p>\n

I leaned closer against the window and watched as he stopped by a wagon and swung the girl onto the back seat and then he turned and took off his hat and smiled at the woman who was coming out of the shop \u2013 she walked towards him and smiled and when she had reached his side she put her hand on his chest and then on his arm, that slight possessive manner women have when they approach their men.<\/p>\n

I observed her closely as he helped her up onto the wagon seat and settled her comfortably. She was tall, thin, nervous looking. Blonde, almost that silver white blonde men seemed to love so much, I could well imagine her eyes were blue with that colouring, but her face was small, thin, pinched looking and her eyes seemed too big for her face and her mouth was small and tight. I asked myself the question every woman asks when the man she wants looks elsewhere\u2026.I asked myself \u201cWhat does he see in her?\u201d<\/p>\n

I had, in my curiousity, held back the curtain, and now I moved to drop it back into place and that was when he looked up\u2026the movement was instinctive, he put his hand to his gun handle and paused, scanned the window with his dark eyes, saw nothing and relaxed. I watched as he stood and talked to her for a moment or two, she nodded once or twice, and then with a flick of the reins, the wagon rolled away \u2026.he watched it go, as men often turn to watch their women when they are going from them and his face was contemplative, pensive.<\/p>\n

I could almost hear him sigh. His back moved as though he had exhaled a deep breath. He then turned and casually glanced back up at the window where I stood, but I stood back in the shadows and did not touch the curtain again. He walked towards a horse, mounted it with the ease of long practice, and galloped, oddly enough, in the opposite direction to the wagon and its occupants.<\/p>\n

Chapter 9<\/p>\n

I was dressed early the next morning, mainly because I had found it so hard to get any sleep during the night anyway. I had had a light meal in the restaurant and then gone to my room and tried to do a number of things without much success in any one of them. Now after a scant breakfast and plenty of coffee I decided to clear my head by walking around the town. This was the first time I had been in a town like this one, a town with little history, where the false fronted buildings gave the impression of something grander.<\/p>\n

Cowboys, miners, ranchers, farmers\u2026.all dusty from riding and working, all work weary and grimed from the day to day toil of life. Businessmen, in fancy suits and with gold chains hanging across their vest fronts, stepped down from their carriage or buggies, wealthy men who own large mining corporations in the area, strolled down the street with gold topped canes and looking as elegant as though promanading in Philadelphia\u2019s main city square. There were Chinese with their long plaits and running gait, gabbling at one another in shrill excited voices and there were other voices, accents, languages – all indicative of the American life, welcome to all, make the best of whatever you can get.<\/p>\n

Saloon girls, dressed in loose fitting garments lolled against the balconies and watched as life passed them by. Upright and uptight matriachs pounded the sidewalks with their dark clothes and grim faces, young wives and mothers strolled from shop to shop, gossiping and laughing and chattering. Children ran in and out of the crowds with their books and lunch packs in their hands.<\/p>\n

I had been greeted by many with friendly smiles and nods and greetings. They were used to strangers in their town, and often the strangers stayed and became their neighbours, so they obviously liked to get on a good footing from the beginning.<\/p>\n

I recognised the rig outside the General Merchants and paused for a moment, wondering what to do now. I had been thinking of returning back to Sacremento that day, but at the same time had felt that by doing so I was running away from something I had to face, a wound doesn\u2019t heal unless it is properly lanced and treated.<\/p>\n

This, I told myself, was an opportunity to see just what kind of woman Adam had married. It was somewhat devious but she would never know\u2026..and if, of course, it were Adam in the store, then \u2013 well, we would have to meet anyway and a public place was no doubt the best place.<\/p>\n

The bell tinkled and a womans voice said \u201cBe with you in just a moment\u201d. I looked about me and saw an elderly man placing groceries into a box and talking to a woman with three grubby children clinging and wailing at her skirts. I watched him for a moment as he nodded and smiled but his eyes seemed strained and sad,as though he had been touched with tragedy and had never managed to shake the shadow from his shoulder. He had that kind of haunted look, as though he were afraid to look behind him\u2026just in case\u2026.but he was kind for he was assuring the woman that she did not have to pay him for the groceries not until her husband had secured himself a job. The gratitude on the womans face was sobering in its misery\u2026no one likes to accept charity, it removes a layer of self respect. He patted the children on the head and gave each one of them a sticky jaw breaker to chomp on while he continued packing up the womans order.<\/p>\n

The young woman serving was obviously his daughter, pretty and blonde and blue eyed. She was checking ribbons with the other woman, Adams woman. The girl, still in her check shirt and pants, was leaning against the counter, kicking her heels against the wood until her mother turned and took her by the shoulder and pulled her away<\/p>\n

\u201cPeggy, how many more times do I have to tell you not to do that\u2026.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBut I\u2019m bored and I want to go outside\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWe\u2019ll be going outside soon, just be patient\u2026\u201d she turned and shook her head and resumed her conversation with the girl at the counter, their blonde heads nearly touching as they checked one roll of ribbon with another.<\/p>\n

The girl, Peggy, wandered off and stared at the other three children who stared back. They stuck out three very red tongues at her and giggled, she stuck out her tongue and turned her back on them and walked away. Which brought her to me. She looked up and frowned, then smiled<\/p>\n

\u201cHello\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHello\u201d I smiled at her, there was nothing about her that reminded me of Adam Cartwright at all.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m Peggy Dayton\u2026how do you do?\u201d and she struck out her hand which I took in mine and shook politely<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m very well, thank you and how are you?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m bored and you\u2019re supposed to tell me your name as well\u2026\u201d she looked at me with piercing eyes and I smiled again<\/p>\n

\u201cShouldn\u2019t you be at school?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNot until next week\u2026I\u2019ve had a cold\u201d she turned her head and looked over at her mother who was oblivious of her daughters departure from her side \u201cThat\u2019s my mother, her names Laura\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cMy name\u2019s Jane\u201d<\/p>\n

She looked at me again and frowned and then returned to her mother and tugged at her sleeve, Laura shrugged her away and then looked over at me.<\/p>\n

\u201cMa, that lady is called Jane\u2026\u201d the girl Peggy informed her.<\/p>\n

I immediately became the scrutiny of two pairs of blue eyes as Laura and the other girl looked over at me. Then she smiled and walked over to me<\/p>\n

\u201cJane Halcrow? Why, I was going to come and see you at your hotel\u2026..\u201d she turned to the other girl and smiled \u201cSally, this is Jane Halcrow\u2026.a friend of Adams \u2026isn\u2019t that right?\u201d she turned to me again, her eyes were demanding an answer and I nodded.<\/p>\n

I had lost any advantage I had hoped to gain from my little reconnoitre. She was in total control. She took my arm as though she had known me for years herself and brought me closer to the counter<\/p>\n

\u201cSally Cass \u2026Jane Halcrow\u201d<\/p>\n

I shook hands with Sally Cass and smiled, and received a pleasantly friendly smile back. I hadn\u2019t yet said a word and yet this Laura person was in complete control of my immediate future \u2026I listened to her as she told Sally that I had been at Princeton, and then suddenly there was a silence and they were both looking, expectantly, at me\u2026not only them, but Peggy and the man, Mr Cass\u2026.and I realised then that this Laura had a voice that could send you to sleep\u2026.the kind of whining drone that makes your ears involuntarily close up and your thoughts wander and suddenly she would pounce on you with a question and trick you into revealing your rudeness in not having digested a single word she had said.<\/p>\n

\u201cI am sorry\u2026but I have to admit I am rather overwhelmed by such a welcome\u2026\u201dI wondered if my voice sounded as lacking in confidence as I felt \u201cMa\u2019am, I don\u2019t even know you\u2026.and it\u2019s nice to make your acquaintance, Miss Cass,Mr Cass!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cGracious me, how silly\u2026I forgot to introduce myself, didn\u2019t I? I\u2019m Laura Dayton \u2026Mrs Laura Dayton\u201d she stared deep into my eyes then, challengingly deep, and although her lips smiled her eyes certainly did not \u201cAdam Cartwright and I are engaged to be married\u2026.\u201d<\/p>\n

I smiled and congratulated her on her good fortune. I wondered what had happened to her husband and I especially wondered why she had looked at me like that\u2026and why the oh so friendly overtures towards me?<\/p>\n

\u201cI was about to come over to see you, to introduce myself.\u201d She grabbed Peggy by the shoulder and forced her to her side as we left the shop,leaving the little bell ringing and the two Cass\u2019 staring after us.<\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s very kind of you, but why\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cJoe and Hoss asked me to, they were supposed to be having lunch with you?\u201d she smiled again, walking by my side and guiding me back to the Hotel \u201cBut Ben wants them to get the fencing repaired before they start on mine tomorrow. So I said I would call in and see you and explain and then Ben said that as you were such an old friend of THEIRS that you should be persuaded to stay at the Ponderosa, not at an hotel in town, but then, I said, how could she \u2026a single lady on her own with four men in the house\u2026not including Hop Sing of course\u2026\u201d she trilled out a laugh and I wondered where exactly this conversation was headed \u201cThen Joe said why not ask you to come and stay with me? Well, ain\u2019t that just the best idea yet? So I said I would come and ask you today\u2026.\u201d She turned and looked at me and smiled again \u201cYou will, won\u2019t you?\u201d<\/p>\n

I opened my mouth to say no, but then realised that this was not so much an invitation as intimidation\u2026..Peggy was looking up at me and she smiled and took my hand<\/p>\n

\u201cYou will come,won\u2019t you? It gets mighty lonesome out there on our own!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cExcept when Adam and the boys come\u2026that is\u2026\u201d Laura Dayton laughed and I realised then that I had no choice in the matter, that everything was totally out of my control. If I stayed at the hotel what would Adam think of me\u2026churlish and rude to say the least! \u201cAdam will get such a surprise when he sees you\u2026\u201d
\nDoesn\u2019t he know I\u2019m here?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh no\u2026.Joe and Hoss were teasing him last night about you\u2026.but they never said that you were actually in town\u2026that\u2019s all part of the joke!\u201d she laughed and squeezed my hand \u201cYou will come and stay while you\u2019re here, won\u2019t you?\u201d<\/p>\n

So she obviously didn\u2019t want me to stay for long\u2026and Adam didn\u2019t know I was here\u2026so I could still leave by todays coach for Sacremento\u2026I took a deep breath and smiled at her with as much charm and sincerity as I could muster \u201cI\u2019d love to \u2026\u201d (said between gritted teeth)<\/p>\n

Chapter 10<\/p>\n

Once in the little room I beat the dust out of my clothes and tried to straighten myself into some semblance of order. That lady could certainly talk but she had no more idea on how to drive a vehicle than \u2013 than an infant! If the horses had not been so keen to get their noses into their feed bags I should imagine we would still be rambling down some track or tumbled into some canyon.<\/p>\n

I leaned against the window cill to catch my breath and to try and recollect my senses which were scattered to the four winds now. What had she talked about? How kind Adam was, how gallant, how hard working and patient, what a wonderful father he will be to Peggy who doted on him. Yet she had said nothing about her husband. She had talked about her aunt who had been the match maker, realising that she, Laura, needed to be loved and protected by a strong man, and when Adam came to offer his help with getting things organised with the ranch, he seemed the ideal man.<\/p>\n

Peggy had sat in the back with the sacks of groceries watching us both with her little narrowed eyes and I wondered what she was thinking about as she listened to her mother talking. Occasionally Mrs Dayton threw me a question which meant I had to keep alert in case I missed an opportunity to say something. The questions were always about Adam..when had I met him, where had I met him, what did I think of him! Most of the questions she surely already knew the answers to, as she had already said Adam and the other Cartwrights had discussed me the previous evening.<\/p>\n

She sent Peggy up to tell me coffee was ready and to hurry because she had to prepare lunch for the boys. I wondered momentarily how many boys she had, then realised she meant Adam and his brothers. The thought made my stomach quiver mainly because I had lain awake at nights planning our first meeting and how I would approach him and what we would say\u2026.now it was all out of my hands and I was in a situation I had never envisaged, which shows how stupid a person could be!<\/p>\n

Peggy had disappeared by the time I found the kitchen. Mrs Dayton turned and smiled at me and indicated the chairs and table whilst she turned her attention to baking cookies and biscuits. I watched her for a moment or two and then looked around the room and admitted it was pretty enough. Then she came and put down the coffee cups and sat opposite me and looked at me as though I was a prize mare\u2026..I just felt like a prize fool!<\/p>\n

\u201cJane\u2026you don\u2019t mind me calling you Jane, do you?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, actually\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s just that Adam always refers to you as Jane\u2026.when he gave Peggy her pony he said \u2018You ride your pony just like Jane used to\u2026\u2019 Really, I should be quite jealous of you!\u201d she pinned me to the chair with a bolt of lightning from the blue eyes and the small mouth seemed to button up tight before she smiled again.<\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t think\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhen my husband died\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m sorry, I didn\u2019t realise \u2026was it very long ago?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo, not really. That\u2019s why we don\u2019t intend to marry just yet awhile\u2026although my husband \u2026\u201d she paused and looked down at the cup and stared hard as though trying to get her thoughts into order \u201cHe wasn\u2019t a good husband by any means, but one has to observe the proper way of doing things. I was married when I was very young\u2026very young\u2026it was such a stupid thing to do, but I thought I loved him\u2026.you know how it is\u2026but then \u2026may be not after all\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI do understand, Mrs Dayton, I understand only too well, I was married too \u2013 once\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

She stared at me and I could see the colour mantle her cheeks and her eyes went round and I could hear in my head the tick tick of her brain as she weighed up the information I had just given to her\u2026.it was a strange and stupid thing but in the short time that I had known her, even had she not been involved with Adam, I knew I could never have liked her, that behind that prattling busy little person was a very manipulative lady. Whether she loved Adam or not, I was in no position to know or say, but I asked myself constantly how could he possibly love her?<\/p>\n

\u201cOh then, you\u2019d understand\u2026how hard it is at times. He never loved me, of course, made a fool of me, humiliated me, and then when he got killed\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cKilled?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHe got drunk and fell off his horse, cracked his head right open. Died rightaway the doctor said. Of course, that left me with all this and debts too\u2026everything such a mess and I jest had no one to turn to, and then Adam came and offered to help and it all seemed so right somehow\u2026getting married to him\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

She talked on and on, I don\u2019t rightly know even to this day what she was saying, but I sat there and listened, even when she got up and started cooking the lunch she talked. Never once did she ask me about my husband, whether he was alive or dead, whether we had loved one another \u2026.she was one of those women who, if you broke your arm would spend an hour telling you how much it hurt when she got a splinter in her finger!<\/p>\n

\u201c\u2026..here they come!\u201d she said and her face flushed a pretty pink, and she straightened her hair and glanced over at the table to make sure everything had been set out right.<\/p>\n

I listened to the sound of horses approaching, they sounded like the echo of my heart beats. Voices called out greetings to Peggy and I heard Adam say \u201cHow\u2019s my special girl?\u201d and she squealed his name as the door opened and they entered the room.<\/p>\n

\u201cAdam\u201d she said quietly and smiled at him, and received an answering smile from him, Peggy was in his arms doing a fair imitation of a limpet on a rock, Joe and Hoss came in right behind their brother and behind them came Ben Cartwright. \u201cAdam\u2026guess what \u2013 I mean \u2013 who\u2019s here?\u201d<\/p>\n

He looked at her with his eyes slightly narrowed and a small smile played about his mouth before he turned to look around the room and then he was looking at me<\/p>\n

\u201cJane Halcrow?\u201d and he smiled, put Peggy down and walked towards me with his hand outstretched and his eyes showing sincere pleasure at finding me there in his fiancee\u2019s kitchen.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s not Jane Halcrow\u201d she laughed \u2018sweetly\u2019 \u201cIt\u2019s Mrs\u2026something or other\u2026isn\u2019t it?\u201d and she looked over at me with her blue eyes twinkling with triumph.<\/p>\n

\u201cJane Duncan\u201d I replied, looking only at him and feeling my stomach drop to my feet and then leap up into my throat, the dark eyes were looking too intently into mine, and I felt that odd swimming floating into them happen again and hurridly turned away to smile, and it must have been a rather strange smile, at Joe and Hoss and Mr Cartwright.<\/p>\n

\u201cOh..and is your husband here too?\u201d he asked, his hand, warm and firm, taking hold of mine and shaking it for just the right amount of time before he released it again.<\/p>\n

I just knew that to look at him again would be the worse and most awkward thing to do, so I simply addressed myself to his shirt buttons<\/p>\n

\u201cNo, he isn\u2019t, he died six months ago\u2026.\u201d<\/p>\n

There was a murmer of sympathy from them all, it coughed itself into an uncomfortable silence and so, addressing the shirt buttons again I continued\u2026<\/p>\n

\u201cWe knew he was dying when we were married so \u2013 we were prepared and he died happy, very happy\u201d my voice wobbled and then trailed away, whatever else, thank God, Andrew HAD been so happy when he died.<\/p>\n

I felt a gentle firm hand grip my elbow and turned and confronted Ben Cartwrights dark comforting eyes\u2026it was strange, I had the most overpowering urge to just put my arms around him and sob my heart out. Everything was just so upside down and wrong side about\u2026and out of my ability to handle it all of a sudden.<\/p>\n

\u201cHey\u201d Hoss exclaimed pulling out a chair \u201cSomething sure smells good\u2026bin cooking, huh, Laura?\u201d<\/p>\n

She smiled and with a trill of a laugh turned and began to usher them into seats and then get the coffee organised and I, after a thank you smile at Ben, turned to the stove and began to help her\u2026anything other than have to look at those politely kindly sympathetic faces.<\/p>\n

\u201cSo, Jane ..\u201d Ben\u2019s voice wrapped around the room like deep rich brown velvet \u201cI\u2019d just like to say how glad we are to have you here with us, and I hope we\u2019ll be seeing more of you than last time\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

They all chuckled and I turned to him with a smile, recalling how hurridly I had bolted away from them when they had come to Princeton for Adams graduation<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m sorry, that was rude of me\u2026but I\u2019d had bad news and what with one thing and another\u2026\u201d I allowed my voice to trail away and buried my face into the steam from the pots on the stove.<\/p>\n

\u201cDid you go to Switzerland for your music training?\u201d Adam asked, and I sneaked a peek at him and saw him smiling affectionately at Laura who was handing him a plate of the stew.<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, I did\u2026.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHow\u2019d you get on?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThree years hard work and I got a place in the string section of the Viennese orchestra and then six months later \u2026.\u201d I ladled stew into a plate and carried it over to Hoss who greeted me or the stew with a huge grin \u201cI was in a traffic accident which broke my wrist so I didn\u2019t qualify anymore. I became a tutor at a college in Lucerne for a while\u2026.\u201d I thumped a plate down in front of Joe, who gave a smothered snort \u2013 whether of derision or mirth I couldn\u2019t say.<\/p>\n

\u201cSo when did you meet your husband?\u201d Adam asked, his voice sounding a trifle strained so I glanced quickly over at him and met the full force of the brown eyes once again. I lowered my eyes and promptly told the top shirt button<\/p>\n

\u201cI met him in Lucerne, his children were students there\u2026he came to a concert the college was performing and that\u2019s where we met.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHe was older than you then?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, fifteen years older\u201d I informed the third button down<\/p>\n

\u201cHey, did we come here to eat or to talk?\u201d Hoss demanded, relieving me once again from what was becoming a rather difficult situation for me. So we all gathered around Laura\u2019s little table, Peggy sitting almost on Adams lap and my knee rather embarressingly pressed up against Mr Cartwrights\u2026it was a small table for long legged folk!<\/p>\n

Everyone ate well, and there was little doubt about the fact that they were hungry men, who had been working hard. They smelt as though they had been labouring, of perspiration and dirt, and their hands looked work worn and their nails split and torn. I hazarded a swift look up at Adam while he was talking to Peggy and compared him to the mental picture I had carried of him in my mind for so long.<\/p>\n

How can one compare a man with a boy? A handsome boy becomes, presumeably, a handsome man, more rugged, stronger, more masculine. He was bigger built, with a thicker neck and broader back. His eyes looked wearier, and I noticed he had a scar on his upper lip that had not been there when I had last seen him. I glanced down at my plate quickly when he turned towards me<\/p>\n

\u201cSo \u2013 you\u2019ve no children of your own, Jane?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo\u201d I glanced over at Hoss \u201cMore bread, Hoss?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYeah, don\u2019t mind if\u2019n I do\u2026.but I\u2019ll have to eat and run, we\u2019re gitting behind schedule\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cS\u2019right, if we don\u2019t get a move on, we\u2019re going to have problems finishing this job in time to start Laura\u2019s fencing tomorrow morning.\u201d Little Joe murmered, stuffing a wedge of bread into his mouth that would not have disgraced his older brother.<\/p>\n

Adam nodded and put Peggy to one side and began to stand up, he looked over at Laura who was smiling fixedly at her daughter<\/p>\n

\u201cYou did remember to tell Hanson to bring the wire over to the Creek road, didn\u2019t you?\u201d he was standing up now and picking up his gloves \u201cLaura?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI \u2013 I guess I forgot\u201d she replied very quietly and glanced anxiously at him, almost timidly, as though afraid of him \u201cI was so excited about getting Jane here, that it clean went out of my mind!\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam said nothing, but he looked at her rather thoughtfully and then frowned slightly, it was Joe, scratching his head and frowning that spoke up<\/p>\n

\u201cShucks, we need to have that wire there, and Hanson only carries a limited supply. We can\u2019t afford to take time out today to ride into town to ask him to bring it along\u2026.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cCan\u2019t afford to delay tomorrow either\u2026.Old Man Trafford said he\u2019d be bringing his cattle through on Saturday, and it\u2019ll take all of the three days to finish that section of fencing\u2026\u201d Ben said quietly, picking up his hat<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, does it matter if it\u2019s a day later? I can\u2019t go into town again today, I\u2019ve the Parsons wife calling in for tea\u2026..\u201d Laura stuttered, her face reddening.<\/p>\n

\u201cEvery hour counts if you want that piece of land fenced in\u2026.\u201d Adam said, a trifle harder than I had expected and I glanced at Laura who seemed close to tears \u201cIt\u2019s important, Laura,\u201d he said, his voice softening a little \u201cYour husband may not have thought so, but if you want an efficiently running ranch then these things have to be dealt with properly. If we lose time and don\u2019t get that fencing done\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201c\u2026I know, Mr Traffords cows will come and eat up all the grass and there\u2019ll be no winter feed for our animals\u201d she sighed, twisting a napkin in between her fingers.<\/p>\n

\u201cHe gave you notice so that the fencing can be done\u2026\u201d Adam continued, seemingly oblivious to his future wife\u2019s growing distress<\/p>\n

\u201cI know that\u2026.and you said that you\u2019d be able to get it done in time\u201d her voice raised just a pitch and Joe glanced over at Hoss, who clapped his hat on his head, and both did a really good disappearing act out of the house. I looked over at Ben who put a hand on his sons arm<\/p>\n

\u201cPerhaps if one of us rode into town now\u2026\u201d he murmered<\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019ll leave us a man short to finish our own section of fencing\u2026.\u201d Adams lips thinned.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ll go.\u201d I heard myself say and immediately became the focas of four pairs of eyes, I swallowed hard \u201cJust write a note to Mr Hanson and I\u2019ll get it to him\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t want the horses used again today, they\u2019re tired enough as it is\u2026\u201dLaura protested.<\/p>\n

\u201cIf there\u2019s a horse I can borrow\u2026.I can ride, I had a good teacher \u201c and I actually mustered a smile, directed at Ben \u2026<\/p>\n

\u201cCan I come with you?\u201d Peggy asked, tugging at my sleeve<\/p>\n

\u201cIt would help a lot if you could, Jane\u201d Adam said, leaning on the table and scribbling something down on a piece of paper which he passed to me \u201cTell him to deliver it as soon as he can!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAdam\u2026\u201d she caught his arm and together they left the house, the murmer of their voices could be heard through the door and Ben smiled at me<\/p>\n

\u201cThanks for doing that, Jane\u2026.er \u2026look, how about you coming over to the Ponderosa Saturday evening? Laura and Peggy usually come, don\u2019t you, young lady?\u201d he smiled down at Peggy who nodded and smiled and then looked over at me<\/p>\n

\u201cCan I come with you into town?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t think so\u2026if you have had time from school it\u2019s hardly right for you to be taking jaunts into town\u2026\u201d I smiled and excused myself from the room, and hurried up the stairs to the little room allocated to me.<\/p>\n

I flopped onto the chair and felt drained with emotional exhaustion. Oh what a mistake to have come here, I thought to myself, I should never, never have come\u2026.but then a stubborn little voice at the back of my head said \u201cWhyever not?\u201d<\/p>\n

I glanced out of the window and looked down and watched as they mounted their horses and galloped off, Laura was waving good bye, a fixed smile on her lips. I shook my head, and took a deep breath, one thing was for sure, Adam could not love her. But I knew now how she had hooked him\u2026.<\/p>\n

She looked me up and down thoughtfully when I re-emerged, and then smiled, rather primly<\/p>\n

\u201cGoodness, I\u2019d hardly have recognised you\u201d she remarked<\/p>\n

\u201cI could hardly ride a horse into town dressed in my frock\u2026\u201d I replied, looking over at Peggy who was sulking in a chair<\/p>\n

\u201cYou can ride the brown filly, her name\u2019s Maggie\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThank you\u2026I shan\u2019t be too long!\u201d I looked over at Peggy and attempted to get a smile from her, but she just turned her head away, scowling.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s just too bad of Adam\u201d she mused, as though to herself, but knowing full well that I was there \u201cHe just doesn\u2019t understand what it\u2019s like for me\u2026.my husband never cared that much about the ranch, he was a \u2013 a waster – , and as he never cared for it, so he never showed me what to do about the place\u2026..all he wanted was a little woman to come home to, who mends his clothes and cooks his meals\u2026not someone who\u2019ll go around ordering barbed wire and remembering to scythe in the grass in time for winter feed\u2026..Adam just expects too much at times, he doesn\u2019t realise\u2026\u201d and she promptly burst into tears and buried her face into the smallest square of handkerchief I\u2019d ever seen \u201cI do try, and I\u2019ve tried so hard over these past months, but I can\u2019t always seem to remember everything he tells me to do\u2026.and when I do, it never seems to be right, anyway\u2026..\u201d<\/p>\n

It was odd. No matter how much she irritated me, at that moment of time, I really did feel very, very sorry for her. She was trying, and if her husband was harsh to her, it would take time to realise that Adam never would be like that, even if he did come over stern at times, it was never to cause her distress\u2026.not intentionally. I put my arm around her shoulders and gave her a hug, and she continued to weep for a while and then, blinking, looked at me with bleary blue eyes<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m sorry, Jane\u2026.please forgive me\u2026it\u2019s silly to carry on like this, but my husband\u2026.and \u2026sometimes I forget that Adam wouldn\u2019t be like that\u2026.only \u2026only I am trying,believe me\u2026.\u201d<\/p>\n

I nodded, and sighed too. Peggy gave a strangled snort and disappeared out of the door which was slammed vehemently behind her. Laura sighed and shook her head<\/p>\n

\u201cPeggy adores Adam, she always sees things from his point of view, of course.\u201d She dried her face and smiled at me \u201cSorry!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s alright, I do understand.\u201d I turned to go, and glanced over at her and sighed again, yes, indeed, I knew exactly the hook she had used to snare Adam. I had just seen its effectiveness on me! Thankfully, being a woman, and in this case, a jealous one, I still didn\u2019t like her.<\/p>\n

Chapter 11<\/p>\n

The following day Laura, Peggy and I bundled ourselves into the wagon with enough food and drink to feed a battalion (well, a small one) and drove to the boundary line where the Cartwrights were working on putting in the fencing. It was hot enough to fry eggs on rocks.<\/p>\n

The relief on all their faces at seeing the wagon and anticipating food, was almost funny. Down went the tools and over they came, wiping their hands and faces and necks on their neckerchiefs and then throwing themselves down onto the long grass for relief.<\/p>\n

\u201cOh boy\u2026.I feel like a barbequed piece of steak!\u201d Joe groaned<\/p>\n

Ben looked so tired that I wondered exactly how a man of his age could possibly consider working alongside his sons as he did, how much better it would have been for him to act in a supervisory position and I wondered why his sons had not suggested that to him. He greeted Laura with an affectionate peck on the cheek, he ruffled Peggy\u2019s hair much as I could imagine him ruffling his boys in times past, and he smiled at me and winked before settling down on the grass and gratefully taking the glass of cool lemonade from Peggy.<\/p>\n

\u201cDon\u2019t drink it too fast\u201d she said sternly<\/p>\n

\u201cNo, ma\u2019am, I won\u2019t!\u201d and rolled his dark eyes as though she terrified him, and this made her squeal with delight<\/p>\n

Adam sat beside Laura, opposite me and some distance away, whilst Hoss came and plumped himself down by my side. For some time we ate in silence and washed everything down with cool lemonade\u2026Laura certainly did excel in the cooking department that\u2019s for sure.<\/p>\n

I looked over at the work they had been doing and noticed the holes that had been dug out and those that had already got posts set into them. Wire had already been fixed quite some distance and glinted evilly in the sun.<\/p>\n

\u201cBarbed wire doesn\u2019t look very pretty, does it?\u201d Adam remarked<\/p>\n

\u201cNo,. but it serves its purpose\u201d I replied without looking up at him.<\/p>\n

Joe glanced up at the sun and then yawned and stretched and stood up also, whilst Hoss dipped into the basket to rummage around for the last doughnut.<\/p>\n

\u201cTime to get on\u2026\u201d Joe muttered<\/p>\n

Ben sighed and looked thoughtfully at his half empty glass and shook his head<\/p>\n

\u201cSeems this half hour break only lasted five minutes\u201d he groaned, and clambered stiffly to his feet.<\/p>\n

Laura began to clear the things away, flapping the tablecloth and looking busy and efficient. I stood up and walked over to Ben and smiled up at him<\/p>\n

\u201cCould I help, Mr Cartwright? I\u2019m strong, you know, and can dig a good hole when I need to\u2026.\u201d<\/p>\n

Out of the corner of my eye I saw Laura freeze, as though I had uttered an unmentionable word, then she glanced over at Adam and scowled, her small mouth puckering in protest.<\/p>\n

\u201cCan I too..?\u201d Peggy immediately demanded.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou have things to do at home\u201d Laura said immediately \u201cJane, didn\u2019t you want to write some letters?\u201d<\/p>\n

I could feel the heat rising under my collar and turned to look at her and shook my head<\/p>\n

\u201cI can write letters anytime, besides I don\u2019t know how much longer I will be here so they may not be necessary anyway.\u201d I looked at Ben Cartwright again \u201cI won\u2019t get in the way, honestly!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cA willing volunteer is better than ten pressed men!\u201d Adam muttered as he walked past us and returned to the fence posts that were stacked ready for use.<\/p>\n

Ben smiled and offered me his arm, as though we were about to take the boards and dance. Laura called out<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m leaving now\u2026Jane, you\u2019ll have to come, how will you get back?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ll walk!\u201d I replied with total confidence in my ability to do so after digging holes in the scorching heat.<\/p>\n

\u201cWe\u2019ll get her back\u2026\u201d Adam said and I looked over at him but he had not even turned to look over at us but was already dropping a post into position for Hoss to whack into the ground.<\/p>\n

\u2026\u2026\u2026\u2026<\/p>\n

I worked as hard as I could alongside them, or, to be more exact, alongside Ben. He and I soon got into a good rythmn and although it was too hot and too dusty and too much like hard work to talk, it was companionable.<\/p>\n

Joe was the first to abandon his shirt which flew in the air and got stuck on the top of a pole, so that it hung limply like a long abandoned flag. Hoss suddenly gave a whoop and his shirt shot past us, rolled up into a ball and tossed with significant force\u2026Ben smiled and winked at me, but thankfully kept his shirt on his back, as did Adam who left his unbuttoned and flapping open .<\/p>\n

I had dressed that day in a clean white blouson shirt and loosely tailored pants, and wore my hair in a single braid down my back. By the time they called for a coffee break Joe and Hoss were gleaming with perspiration streaked with dust and dirt, and the three of us were finding our shirts sticking to our bodies\u2026my hair was a damp straggly mess.<\/p>\n

\u201cJane, you\u2019ve done a good job\u2026we\u2019ve done far more than we expected today.\u201d Ben raised a water canteen to his lips and gulped some down, then poured some over his face. He then passed it over to me.<\/p>\n

\u201cHave you done this before?\u201d Joe asked, waving his cup in the direction of the posts Ben and I had managed to get set in over the past few hours<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, at Andrews ranch\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAndrew? Your husband?\u201d Adam glanced over at me, with an eyebrow raised.<\/p>\n

\u201cYes\u2026\u201d I raised the water canteen to my mouth and took several long cool gulps. It tasted delicious.<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, seeing we\u2019re ahead of ourselves, how about I take Jane home\u2026?\u201d Adam glanced at the three others, daring them to say anything to the contrary and he took my elbow and turned me in the direction of the wagon<\/p>\n

\u201cI can do some more\u2026\u201d I protested<\/p>\n

\u201cNo,I think you\u2019ve done quite enough\u2026.and Laura would want you to freshen up before she has her guests come for tea\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThat was yesterday\u201d I pulled my arm free<\/p>\n

\u201cLaura always has someone coming for tea\u2026\u201d he murmered and looked down at me with a slightly sardonic look on his face and his dark eyes seriously very dark!<\/p>\n

I looked down at myself and sighed and nodded, I looked a mess, and quite honestly, what had been the point of it all anyway? That I wanted to be spared Laura\u2019s company, yes\u2026that I thought I could be helpful for Ben who looked so tired, yes again\u2026.that I was as good as them (well, not as good as Hoss) at digging holes and putting in fence posts, certainly yes, but now I just looked a mess and whatever time we had gained I was about to be the cause of them losing it.<\/p>\n

\u201cDon\u2019t let me hold up your work, Adam\u2026it\u2019ll be a shame to lose what advantage in time you reckon we\u2019ve gained!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDo you want to walk?\u201d he put his hands on his hips and looked down at me and smiled, his white teeth very white against the tan and the dark smudges of dust and dirt on his face.<\/p>\n

\u201cI could\u2026it\u2019s only a few miles\u2026\u201d I said, addressing the empty space just above his shoulder.<\/p>\n

He shook his head and narrowed his eyes and again grabbed my elbow and propelled me to the wagon, I could hear Joe and Hoss chortling and felt the colour rush to my face as I tried to free my arm from his grip.<\/p>\n

He lifted me up onto the wagon seat and was beside me before I could clamber back down. We drove some few minutes in total silence, both of us staring ahead of us, and the reins loose in Adams hands. I allowed myself a lingering look at his hands and thought how strong and attractive they still were, despite the cuts and grazes that had resulted from the work we had been undergoing. I took a quick look at my own hands and frowned at the sight of the blisters running across the palm of my hands. I folded them neatly into my lap and tried to think of something to break the silence.<\/p>\n

\u201cJane?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, Mr Cartwright?\u201d<\/p>\n

A pause and a sigh and he looked at me thoughtfully before turning his attention back to the road<\/p>\n

\u201cDo you think you could talk to me during this ride\u2026I mean\u2026not to my shirt buttons or the air over my shoulder? \u201c he glanced over at me then and his eyes were twinkling at me and I smiled and nodded. \u201cTell me about your husband, Jane\u2026.was he a good man to you?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, he was a very good friend. He loved me very much and ..\u201d my voice trailed away and I looked down at my hands.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou say he was older than you?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAndrew was fifteen years older than me and had a son and two daughters. He wanted to marry me soon after we met\u2026..but I refused him\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhy?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBecause I didn\u2019t love him\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSo you grew to love him, is that it?\u201d<\/p>\n

I could see the pucker between his eyebrows as he concentrated on what I was saying, and when I didn\u2019t reply immediately he looked at me again with a frown<\/p>\n

\u201cYou didn\u2019t love him?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBut you married him?\u201d his lips thinned slightly and his fingers tightened on the reins.<\/p>\n

\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhy?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAndrew was dying, he had a very short time to live and he wanted, begged me to marry him. He had loved me constantly for two years, he\u2019d been kind, patient, an intelligent companion who loved art, music, poetry, and he wanted to protect me, give me some security. He wanted to die knowing that I would have some measure of that\u2026.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd so \u2013 you married him out of pity?\u201d he looked at me, a strange look of reproach and sadness.<\/p>\n

\u201cNo, if you had known Andrew you would know that it was impossible to pity him. I never pitied him, he was far too alive a personality for that\u2026he deserved to be loved, but he knew I never would love him, but I thought of him as my best friend and we had a very happy few months together. He\u2019d bought a ranch in Oregon some years back, and decided to go there, to build it up so that his son would have something to inherit when he died. So for the last months of his life we worked on that ranch\u2026.dug holes, and sunk fence posts \u2013 that kind of thing\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDidn\u2019t he mind your not loving him?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHe said he would love me enough for the two of us\u2026.he knew \u2026well, he knew that had he been healthy I would never have married him.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd if he had made a complete recovery?\u201d he smiled thinly<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019d have had the marriage annulled\u2026..\u201d I swallowed the lump in my throat and looked at him, trying to find some kind of condemnation in his brown eyes as he looked at me \u201cWe had a kind of marriage, a meeting of minds\u2026that was all\u2026it was a marriage in name only in all other respects.\u201d Again I looked down at my hands, the blisters were beginning to feel sore \u201cI would never, never recommend anyone marrying someone if they did not truly love them. It\u2019s wrong and contemptible\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBut you can if they\u2019re about to die, huh? That makes it alright, does it?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAndrew and I were always totally honest with one another, Mr Cartwright. When he was dying I cared for his needs with all the care a wife would give him, should give him\u2026.I was not completely devoid of affection for him. Looking back now, I owe him so much \u2013 the love he gave me, the way he was \u2013 that in some ways I did love him.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd he was happy with that?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, he was very happy with that\u2026\u201d I looked at him again, rather angrily, feeling hot in the face \u201cWe had a wonderfully happy few months together, we laughed and enjoyed life and when he was dying, in my arms, he thanked me for marrying him and making him so happy, and I thanked him\u2026for loving me.\u201d I felt the tears pricking against my eyes and closed them quickly and turned away.<\/p>\n

He drove on a little more in silence, and then nodded as though happy with the conclusion of whatever he had thought upon the subject. I looked over at him and decided it was time to change the subject<\/p>\n

\u201cYou never became an architect then?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo\u2026.I\u2019ve designed some buildings for Virginia City and some other towns\u2026but I never got to stay East and sit my life away in an office\u2026.\u201d He smiled slowly at the thought and his eyes crinkled<\/p>\n

\u201cI always thought tht if you didn\u2019t become an architect you would go to sea, like your grandfather?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh, you remember all that nonsense I talked about, huh?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI didn\u2019t think it was nonsense, nor did you, then \u2013\u201c<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, things happen to make a man change his mind.\u201d He drew the horses to a stop and looked in the direction of a half made house and then looked at me \u201cWhat do you think of it?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhose is it?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s the house I\u2019m building for Laura and me\u2026.once it\u2019s finished we\u2019ll be married \u201c his voice trailed away and his neck reddened a little \u201cDo you like it?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt looks like it\u2019ll it a grand house when it\u2019s finished.\u201d I said very quietly<\/p>\n

He smiled thinly, and then with a sigh turned the horses round and rode down into the track leading to Laura\u2019s present house. I sat awhile thinking and wondering why he had shown me the house he was building and heard myself say<\/p>\n

\u201cWhy are you building a house here? Laura isn\u2019t interested in ranching\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDid she say so?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo, but I thought it was obvious\u2026.she has no interest in staying put here at all\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHer husband tried his best with this place, it\u2019s Peggy\u2019s inheritance!\u201d<\/p>\n

I opened my mouth to say more, but closed it tightly. There was little point in saying more. I could tell from the set of his jaw and the way he had narrowed his eyes that he wanted the subject dropped. Suddenly he took my hands in one of his own and pulled back the fingers and looked down at the blisters and frowned<\/p>\n

\u201cNo more fencing for you!\u201d he said sternly<\/p>\n

\u201cI can wear gloves. My hands have gone soft, that\u2019s all\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou always have to argue, don\u2019t you, Jane?\u201d he smiled then, and looked so much like the Adam I had known in the past, the Adam I had loved for so many years now, that I could have thrown my arms about him and kissed him.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m sorry, I don\u2019t mean to\u2026but I would like to do something, it would be a little thank you to Mrs Dayton for having me stay!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m sure Laura\u2019s been more than pleased to have you stay!\u201d he replied slowly, and he sighed and then smiled \u201cDo you like it here, Jane?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s very beautiful\u2026what I\u2019ve seen of it.\u201d I replied honestly<\/p>\n

\u201cNot too savage, or primitive\u2026?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo more so than Oregon.\u201d<\/p>\n

He said no more but glanced ahead of him, and we saw Laura standing at the door way,
\nher face pensive and anxious. It was then that he realised he was still holding my hands.<\/p>\n

Chapter 13<\/p>\n

The atmosphere in the Daytons house dropped to freezing. Almost by token agreement even Peggy refused to have eye contact with me and avoided talking unless absolutely necessary. Eventually Laura sent her into the garden to play with her scrap of a doll. I felt apprehension well up within me and, never being very good at confrontations, I excused myself and tried to gain sanctuary within the guest room.<\/p>\n

\u201cJane, I think we need to talk!\u201d<\/p>\n

I turned and faced her as she stood at the foot of the stairs, her hands folded in the lap of her skirts, and her head held high on the slender stalk of her neck. Her blue eyes looked like ice and inwardly I shivered, although I forced a smile onto my lips and turned and followed her in to her neat little parlour.<\/p>\n

\u201cDo sit down!\u201d she pointed to a chair as though I were some rebellious child at school and she were the teacher in charge, however, I did as bidden and took my place without demur. She took a deep breath \u201cWhat are your feelings for Adam?\u201d<\/p>\n

I swallowed the rush of emotions that came to my throat and looked at her steadily, as steadily as I could, whilst I could feel the colour rushing to my face. I think even were I a six foot man I would blanch or blush beneath the steel of that blue gaze\u2026I took a deep breath and looked at her and tried to see, to read, some other emotion other than indignation in her face.<\/p>\n

\u201cLaura, there\u2019s no need for you to worry about my feelings for Adam, after all, you\u2019re the one getting married to him\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou mean, you do love him then?\u201d she said this with a slight gulp, as though she had hoped for some other answer, and her eyes flickered, as though suddenly she could not maintain the steel within them<\/p>\n

\u201cLaura, how I feel about your fiance is really nothing for you to be concerned about\u2026.it\u2019s really how your fiance feels about you\u2026isn\u2019t it?\u201d I tried to speak as gently and as kindly as I could, although I know my voice sounded a trifle harsher than usual, mainly because I wanted to shake her hard and gt her to tell ME exactly how SHE felt about him!<\/p>\n

\u201cAdam loves me. He\u2019s an honourable man and doesn\u2019t give away his feelings lightly\u2026.to tell me he loves me\u2026is sufficient for me to know that he would not feel any other way for you, other as a friend\u2026an old friend from the past\u2026\u201d she paused \u201ca friend who is not going to be staying here very long!\u201d<\/p>\n

I nodded. Well, there was nothing to keep me here, and I would have had to have been blind and deaf not to realise that I was no longer welcome. I stood up and she looked me up and down, as though she had just finished interviewing me for the position of governess to her daughter and was convincing herself that she had made the right decision\u2026that I was, indeed, found to be wanting!<\/p>\n

\u201cLaura,may I now ask you a question?\u201d I stood up as proudly as I could, with my chin up and my eyes on her face and I saw the little blush touching her cheeks and wondered if she anticipated my question \u201cLaura, do you love Adam?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI wouldn\u2019t be engaged to marry him if I did not!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s no kind of answer\u2026.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s the only answer you\u2019ll get.\u201d She replied, and she compressed her lips tightly and turned her head. \u201cNow,if you\u2019ll excuse me I have to go out. You ought to clean up\u2026.\u201d She looked at me again, and shook her head as though she found the sight too distasteful for words \u201cYou\u2019ve ruined that blouse\u2026.what were you thinking of\u2026.what lady \u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cLaura, this is a new world out here, ladies have to do things that ladies do not normally have to do\u2026.if they want to hold onto their self respect and the respect of their men. Besides, Mr Cartwright was tired\u2026. \u201c<\/p>\n

\u201cYou talk like Adam\u2026.\u201d She lowered her eyes and turned away \u201cI\u2019ll see you when I get back.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou don\u2019t mind my staying another evening?\u201d I was surprised, having expected her to tell me to leave before her return, and then I realised,as she stood there, dithering, hesitating, wondering what to say, that she had no reason to offer Adam for my leaving tonight, and it would not have met with his approval were I to go so soon.<\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t know when I\u2019ll be back\u2026Adam and I have things to do\u2026.\u201d<\/p>\n

She passed me quickly, twitching at her skirts so that they would not touch my soiled clothes. I heard her calling Peggy and eventually they were driving out of the yard and I was on my own.<\/p>\n

I boiled water, poured it into the metal tub and bathed. It was good to feel clean, and the blisters did not look so bad once I had removed the layer of dirt. I cleaned the wash house once I had dressed and braided my hair, leaving it to hang down my back. Then I returned to her kitchen and began to prepare coffee and something simple to eat.<\/p>\n

I was so deep in thought that when I heard the light tapping on the door I was close to dropping the cup and plate onto the floor, but when Ben Cartwright stepped inito the room, sweeping off his hat and smiling at me, I could have laughed out loud with relief.<\/p>\n

\u201cAre you alright?\u201d his black eyes looked into mine, and I could see the kindness in them. He may have been a hard man, exacting in his requirements, strict with his sons, but towards women and children he was as soft as putty. A woman could sense that so easily, no matter how arrogant or ruthless he could look at times, nor how gruff his voice could bark orders\u2026.\u201dYou look as though you had seen a ghost?\u201d he came nearer to me, and placed a gentle hand on my arm, then took the cup and plate from me and set them down on the table.<\/p>\n

\u201cI wasn\u2019t expecting anyone to come!\u201d I explained, \u201cI got lost in my thoughts, and when you knocked it made me jump\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThey must have been very involved thoughts, I\u2019ve been knocking on your door for about five minutes\u2026.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m so sorry\u2026.you must have thought me very rude\u201d I turned away from him, knowing that if I had to look into that gentle face again I would cry. He had the same manner about him as Andrew, and that disturbed me.<\/p>\n

\u201cIf you\u2019re making coffee, I would like to join you\u2026if I may?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOf course.\u201d I brought another mug down from the shelf and began to pour out the coffee and set it down upon the table, then pulled up a chair and sat down.<\/p>\n

\u201cSo? How are you getting on with Laura?\u201d he glanced at me over the rim of the mug and I lowered my eyes<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, as it happens, not too well. I shall have to move back into town in the morning.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cShe can be a little \u2013 er \u2013 cool! Probably feeling a trifle defensive, seeing how much Adam thinks about you\u2026.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDoes he?\u201d I glanced at him quickly, and then felt the colour flushing up into my cheeks again.<\/p>\n

\u201cMy dear, why did you come here? Was there any particular reason?\u201d<\/p>\n

I couldn\u2019t reply immediately. The reply had to be thought out carefully, I needed time to think and sort out my feelings, and to speak about them to this man, made me feel very vulnerable. I took a deep breath and stared hard at the coffee pot.<\/p>\n

\u201cSo you were married? Were you happy, Jane?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAs happy as anyone could be in the circumstances.\u201d I replied honestly, picking up my cup and drinking the hot beveridge.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat circumstances were they?\u201d he asked quietly<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, Andrew was a lot older than me\u2026..\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s right, I remember you saying something of the sort, and he was ill?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, he had a very short time to live. We both knew that\u2026..when we married.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt takes a special person to marry under circumstances like that\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

I looked at him and frowned, and thought of Andrew\u2026<\/p>\n

\u201cHe was special, Mr Cartwright, I was not\u2026.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhy do you say that?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBecause he was a very passionate man, he loved life, art, music, and his children\u2026he was generous and kind, and he loved me despite\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDespite?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI did not love Andrew. I mean, I did love him in some ways, but I could not love him as a wife should love a husband. He knew that from the first time he asked me to marry him.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHe was persistent then?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, over the course of a year he proposed six times!\u201d I smiled at the memory, dear sweet kind Andrew \u201cHe had the same reply every time. I offered to be his housekeeper, when we knew that his illness was so serious, but he wanted to marry me, to keep me safe, he said, from predatory men!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI can understand that\u2026..I would have done the same\u2026.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWould you?\u201d I looked at him thoughtfully, wondering why he had said such a thing. He smiled then and placed a gentle hand on mine, much as his son had done not so long before\u2026<\/p>\n

\u201cJane, some men love\u2026despite anything, everything, they love in the fullest sense of the word. He must have loved you very much\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes,he did.\u201d I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes and fumbled for a handkerchief, \u201cHe told me that he wanted to give me security for when he was gone\u2026but I told him he had his children to think of first, and that\u2026as I would never be a real wife to him\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m sure you were everything he needed you to be \u2026.\u201d<\/p>\n

I felt the tears fall, and trickle down my cheeks faster than I could dab them away\u2026I remembered the separate rooms, his polite knock on the door evenings and mornings when he came to bid me goodnight, and good morning. I took a deep breath and forced myself to stop the tears, whilst Mr Cartwright stared politely at the table and drank his coffee.<\/p>\n

\u201cWe had a very good friendship, Mr Cartwright. I think he knew that I respected him, and cared about him, very, very much!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, I know\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDo you think I was dishonest? Was I wrong in marrying him?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHe was happy, wasn\u2019t he?\u201d<\/p>\n

I smiled slowly, remembering the laughter that had been in our marriage, the theatre trips, the restaurants, the parties\u2026then there were the times in Oregon, when we worked together, played like children as we worked, yes, it was a wonderfully, happy time\u2026and he had died in my arms, smiling, happy, his eyes on my face\u2026and he saw my tears\u2026.<\/p>\n

\u201cSo, Jane, why are you here?\u201d he said quietly, placing his cup gently in the saucer<\/p>\n

\u201cAndrew told me to come.\u201d I replied simply, honestly \u201cOne evening we were sitting together before the fire, it was a cold night, and he was dying, and he took my hand in his and we just sat together staring into the flames\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd he said to come here?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHe thanked me for marrying him. He said that he realised that had he not been so ill, I would not have considered marrying him although he knew also that I had not agreed to his proposal out of pity\u2026.\u201d I looked at Mr Cartwright and searched the expression in his eyes \u201cI did not pity him, really, I did not\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t think he would have married you had he thought for a moment that that was the feeling you had for him\u2026\u2026..\u201d<\/p>\n

I closed my eyes for a second, and felt a weight lift from my shoulders. The fact that he understood meant so much to me\u2026.<\/p>\n

\u201cWe talked a little then, about his first wife\u2026she had died from consumption some years earlier. He had loved her passionately, which made it all the more remarkable that he could claim to love me as well\u2026..\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBelieve me, it is possible, I have loved \u2013 and lost \u2013 three women whom I have loved, still love, very much!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou do understand, don\u2019t you?\u201d I smiled and he smiled back and nodded. \u201cThen he asked me to tell him about the man I loved\u2026so I told him and he said that when he died, I should go and find \u2026find him\u2026this man I loved\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd so?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHe said I needed to see him again, to lay the ghost and get on with living, as he put it. I said, after all these years he could be married with a family\u2026..\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd what did he say?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHe said then if that were the case I could get on with my own life, but if the man were single, was not involved \u2026.perhaps I could be happy in finding him, perhaps he would love me\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDo you think he would have done?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWho?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThis man you were looking for, do you think he would have loved you, had he been single?\u201d<\/p>\n

I stared at him for a moment, and then turned away, and stood up from the table and picked up the cups and saucers<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m sorry, Mr Cartwright, I should have offered you some cake or something to have with your coffee\u2026.\u201d I mumbled<\/p>\n

\u201cJane\u2026.sit down, dear\u2026\u201d he reached out and touched my hand, and I sat down and looked at him and he looked at me and then he smiled very gently \u201cJane, you love Adam, don\u2019t you?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes. I\u2019ve loved him since I first saw him\u2026.when I was very small, very alone\u2026 I looked up and he was there, and I felt myself drowning in his eyes\u2026.I knew then that he was someone I would always love\u2026my heart was filled with my love for him\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd you still feel that same way?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt would be much easier, Mr Cartwright, if I did not!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDo you think Laura loves him at all?\u201d<\/p>\n

I paused a while and looked at him, saw the concern in his eyes that must have been for his son, and I shook my head<\/p>\n

\u201cNo, I don\u2019t think she loves him\u2026.perhaps she feels for him as I felt for Andrew, so I have no right to comment, not really\u2026..\u201d I bit my bottom lip and frowned, thinking that perhaps my answer was not very satisfactory \u201cIf she makes him happy\u2026..\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAdam is not a man who is soon to die\u2026and he is a man who will need a great depth of love\u2026.reassurance\u2026compassion\u2026.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cMr Cartwright, Adam has promised to marry Laura, and he has told her he loves her\u2026.it is none of my business to comment any further \u2026.really\u2026.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd so \u2013 you\u2019re leaving..?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, that\u2019s what Andrew suggested, that I find Adam again, and then get on with my life\u2026.and that\u2019s what I\u2019ll try to do\u2026.although I shall always love him, always!\u201d<\/p>\n

He said nothing for a while, then he sighed heavily and looked at me as though I were a child in need of protection, which corresponded very much with how I felt, so I gulped a bit and I think my chin began to wobble as I fought the tears. He sighed again before leaning towards me and asking the question I was dreading<\/p>\n

\u201cMy dear, why did you leave it so long to come back and find him?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh Mr Cartwright\u2026you don\u2019t know how much I wish I had done so\u2026you just don\u2019t know how much\u2026\u201d I struggled to keep composed, after all, I had always thought a woman in tears looked so unattractive and I\u2019m sure men only conceded points to them because they found it so embarressing\u2026.I had always told myself to act in any situation with logic and a sense of my own worth. The problem was that this situation called my own worth very much into question \u201cI \u2013 I went to Switzerland to be educated at my uncle and aunts expense. I never heard from Adam, and the few letters I sent to him always returned unopened.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHe never received letters from you, nor from anyone in Switzerland\u2026but..\u201d he smiled wryly \u201cwe did not have the mail delivery of the Swiss here I\u2019m afraid!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI lack confidence in myself, I am not brave nor adventuresome\u2026.and I had somehow convinced myself that had he ever thought of me, as I did of him, he would come and find me\u2026just like Sir Galahad had sought the holy grail\u2026\u201d I sighed and shook my head \u201cOf course, I know I was just trying to avoid facing the truth, that he did not, could not, love me. I didn\u2019t want to come here and face it! Now I have\u2026.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt isn\u2019t too late, Jane. Why not tell him how you feel\u2026.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI could not do that, Mr Cartwright. He would not respect me for doing that, not now. He loves Laura and Peggy, and he wants to marry Laura\u2026it would be wrong to say anything now!\u201d<\/p>\n

He looked at me intensely for a while and then stood up and took hold of my hands and looked into my eyes and kissed my brow<\/p>\n

\u201cMy dear, I would have been more than happy to have had you as my daughter\u2026\u201d he said very quietly and seeing the tears trickling down my cheeks he gently brushed them aside with his finger \u201cGod bless you, child\u201d he whispered and then he left, very quietly, closing the door gently behind him.<\/p>\n

I cried then. I cried so much that it left me weak and my throat ached and burned from the effort.<\/p>\n

Chapter 14<\/p>\n

I was still on my own, thinking over my conversation with Mr Cartwright when I heard the sound of horses galloping into the yard and upon opening the door, saw Hoss and Joe about to dismount. My first reaction was to close the door and run upstairs and hide. The horror of having to face them with my puffy face and swollen eyes!<\/p>\n

\u201cHey, Jane\u2026\u201d Joe laughed as he raised his hand in salute and almost ran towards the house. It was impossible not to smile when Joe was like this, laughing and his eyes twinkling. He did not seem to notice the state of my face but grabbed me by the waist and twirled me round and round, so that I had to laughingly push him away to make him set me back down on my feet again \u201cWorks over for the day, there\u2019s still a coupla hours before sunset, and its doggone hot\u2026how about coming with us and playing hookey for a spell?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI got some grub\u2026.\u201d Hoss held up a sack, heavily laden I could see\u2026\u201dC\u2019mon, Jane, climb up behind Joe and let\u2019s go have fun!\u201d<\/p>\n

Have fun?<\/p>\n

I was about to protest, plead a headache, beg time out to be alone to do some packing\u2026but Joe grabbed my hand and was soon hauling me towards his horse and then he grinned and looked me up and down and without a word lifted me up and into the saddle before mounting up himself behind me.<\/p>\n

If this was being kidnapped it was done very pleasantly and with many guffaws and giggles (from me, I hasten to add) and chortles we were soon riding away. Who would have thought I had only an hour earlier been crying so heartily?<\/p>\n

Joe smelt of sweat and dirt and earth and sunshine. Sitting in the saddle leaning against him \u2013 quite unavoidable \u2013 I could smell his body and feel the warmth of him. I could feel the rythmn of his heart beat that jogged along to the same beat of his horses hooves\u2026.I could feel his excitement and joy of life. It chased my miseries away like snow before a furnace.<\/p>\n

We stopped in a valley where the grass swayed to slight breeze and poppies and other wild flowers bowed their drowsy heads in tune to the grasses movement. It was like a rhapsody of music. Below the grass line was a beach that sloped into the lake which shone like blue zirconite and diamonds in the sun light.<\/p>\n

\u201cOne of my favourite places\u201d Joe said as he lifted me down onto the ground<\/p>\n

\u201cI can see why\u201d I looked about me and took a deep breathe and closed my eyes, it was so beautiful that it hurt. Sometimes a view can do that, it can touch the depth of ones heart to see the way our God has traced out the sea and the sky, and formed the clouds and the sweet flowers that graced the earth.<\/p>\n

\u201cC\u2019mon, I\u2019m starving\u2026\u201d Hoss threw himself down on the ground and opened the sack and out came the most delicious food, which he passed over to us generously, but not that generously I noticed.<\/p>\n

\u201cDo you often come here?\u201d I asked, spraying crumbs over my skirt and nearly choking with laughter when Joe started to laugh at me<\/p>\n

\u201cOnly when we get the time\u2026not too often lately.\u201d Hoss frowned \u201cSeems we\u2019re as busy working at Laura\u2019s place as we are on the Ponderosa.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYeah, it\u2019s been a busy few months. Laura\u2019s husband just let the place go \u2013 Adam wants her to be secure, and Peggy too\u2026\u201d Joe rolled onto his back and sprawled out in the grass. He closed his eyes and let the sun bathe him.<\/p>\n

\u201cHe works all hours, here, and at Laura\u2019s, and then on that house he\u2019s doing\u2026\u201d Hoss frowned again, bringing some darkness into the light of the moment.<\/p>\n

\u201cYeah, work, work and more work\u2026..and Laura, whinge, whinge and more whinge!\u201d Joe yawned<\/p>\n

\u201cHey, Joe, that ain\u2019t fair, you shouldn\u2019t say things like that about Laura.\u201d He paused and looked over at me \u201cShe\u2019s just highly strung, needs gentle handling\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh yeah!\u201d Joe snorted \u201cShe needs to be put over someone\u2019s knee and given a good spanking, that\u2019s what I reckon!\u201d<\/p>\n

Hoss bit his lip, and glanced away, then he looked at me and shook his head<\/p>\n

\u201cSorry about that, Miss Jane, jest that we ain\u2019t got used to the idea of Adam marrying Dayton\u2019s widder\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAw, let\u2019s stop this jawing and go for a swim!\u201d Joe said abruptly and pulled off his shirt and boots and socks and jumped to his feet \u201cComing, Jane?\u201d and he laughed, his green hazel eyes more green that I could ever remember seeing them before\u2026.then he turned and began to run to the lake and with a loud hurrah he splashed and dived into the water.<\/p>\n

It took no time at all for Hoss to follow suit, his boots were flung to the left and right of him, and then his shirt flew in the air mid way to the lake and then he also was diving into the water, sending up a cascade of sparkling diamonds as the water streamed upwards.<\/p>\n

I drank a little of the raspberry cordial and then lay down upon the grass and stared up at the sky. This was pleasant, very pleasant. The sun was warm to my face and body, and the smell of grass and flowers was rich to my nostrils. I could hear them laughing and splashing like two little boys at play, but it seemed as though it were coming from a very long way off. I felt as though I were floating\u2026\u2026.<\/p>\n

\u201cSleepy?\u201d<\/p>\n

I woke up, startled, confused. I looked about me and then up and my eyes met the full force of his dark brown eyes looking down at me, very close. I felt that strange sensation of swimming into the brown pools and my stomach lurched and I felt sick\u2026I closed my eyes and pretended to myself that it was just a dream.<\/p>\n

\u201cJane?\u201d<\/p>\n

I opened my eyes again and looked up but he had moved away, and I could feel and sense him sitting close at my side and so I sat up and,blinking rather like a bemused old owl, looked at him. He was hot, perspiring, even now he wiped the sweat from his brow with the back of his hand. He was dirty and tired, I could tell from the way his eyes seemed sunk in their sockets that he was very weary<\/p>\n

\u201cWhy don\u2019t you go and swim with them?\u201d I asked \u201cYou\u2019ll find it very refreshing!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cRather than sit here and talk with you?\u201d he grinned, his white teeth gleamed against the dark tan of his skin.<\/p>\n

I looked over at the lake and watched for a while as the two brothers swam side by side, and smiled at the efforts Joe made to keep up with Hoss, and the efforts Hoss made not to pull away too easily from Joe.<\/p>\n

\u201cJane?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cLaura told me that you were leaving tomorrow. Is that true?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes\u201d I looked at him and tried to catch his eyes, but this time he looked away from me. I could only assume the worse. He really did not want me around after all.<\/p>\n

\u201cCouldn\u2019t you stay for the wedding?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo!\u201d<\/p>\n

He looked at me sadly. I looked again at Joe and Hoss and refused to look at him. How like a man not to sense the mortal wound he had inflicted upon my bruised heart! Stay for the wedding! His wedding\u2026and hers\u2026.oh no, no.<\/p>\n

He said nothing for a while and then cleared his throat to speak, I looked at him and waited<\/p>\n

\u201cRemember when you were a little girl, how we used to quote poetry all the time when we were riding in the mornings?\u201d he smiled gently at me and I nodded, remembering the times all too well \u201cDo you still read poetry?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe and Hoss were coming out of the water now, dripping spangles of water as the drops caught the fast fading sun<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat\u2019s your favourite just now?\u201d he leaned upon one elbow, a stalk of grass between his fingers and looked up at me.<\/p>\n

How easy it would have been to have leaned forward then and kissed those lips!<\/p>\n

\u201cMaud Muller\u2026\u201d I said woodenly<\/p>\n

\u201cOh\u2026I\u2019ve not heard of her\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThere\u2019s one verse I recall\u2026.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cTell me what it is?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201c\u2019For of all sad words of tongue or pen
\nThe saddest are these: \u2018It might have been\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n

The silence hung heavy between us. His brown eyes looked intensely into mine and I held his gaze challengingly\u2026.then Hoss descended in a wet heap beside his brother and slapped Adam on the back<\/p>\n

\u201cHow come you left off work so early, brother?\u201d he said, with his usual bright smile as his hair dripped water down his face.<\/p>\n

\u201cI needed a break\u2026\u2026\u2026\u201d Adam said and then stood up, surveyed the sky and sighed \u201cI guess I had better get back and finish off for the day\u2026..\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHey, Adam\u201d Joe\u2019s voice wafted up the hill, preceeding him \u201cWhy not stay and play hookey with us!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIs that what this is?\u201d Adam smiled and looked at me and winked<\/p>\n

\u201cYep, that\u2019s what this is\u2026\u201d Hoss chuckled, picking up the flask of cordial \u201cHookey\u2026.freedom\u2026.respite\u2026.here, have some raspberry cordial\u201d<\/p>\n

He hesitated, then shook his head. We watched him gallop off, back in the direction of the house and Joe sighed<\/p>\n

\u201cNever knew a fella so anxious to put his head in a noose before\u2026.\u201d He sighed.<\/p>\n

\u201cDon\u2019t you like Laura?\u201d I asked<\/p>\n

They said nothing, but glanced at one another meaningfully. Then with the utmost politeness Hoss offered me the biggest slice of gooseberry pie! This at least was an offer I could accept, so I did\u2026..the look of disappointment on his face is something that I can still smile about down to this day!<\/p>\n

Chapter 15<\/p>\n

In the morning I carefully packed my things and borrowed the rig and rode back into town.<\/p>\n

I was walking back from the booking office when I saw Ben Cartwright walking hurridly to the hotel, and when he saw me, he took off his hat and hurried forwards, cupping my eblow in one of his large hands he looked down at me and smiled his gentle smile<\/p>\n

\u201cWere you really going to leave us without saying good bye, Jane?\u201d<\/p>\n

His voice was deep and tender, and his eyes dark and comforting and I felt, once again, the urge to sink into his arms and hold him close and weep. I dredged up a smile instead<\/p>\n

\u201cI am sorry, Mr Cartwright\u2026but I couldn\u2019t stay\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhen are you leaving?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIn an hour\u2026\u201d I looked back at the coach and frowned, perhaps I had been overly hasty, but I knew what my heart had told me\u2026I looked at him and smiled \u201cThank you for everything, Mr Cartwright.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cJane\u2026\u201d he paused and looked at me thoughtfully, for some seconds he said nothing and then he drew me closer to the wall of the building and looked at me intently again \u201cJane, I know how you feel about Adam, we all do, apart from Adam\u2026\u201d he smiled slowly \u201cIf you feel for him, as you do, why leave now? All\u2019s fair in love and war after all?\u201d<\/p>\n

I looked at him again and frowned, and I shook my head<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m not very good at fighting, Mr Cartwright. And anyway, Adam isn\u2019t the sort of man who would respect me for trying to undermine his loyalties to Laura.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDon\u2019t you think he loves her?\u201d he raised a dark eyebrow quizzacally and I shook his head<\/p>\n

\u201cHe doesn\u2019t love her, but he\u2019s loyal, and stubborn, and very protective\u2026if I tried to ..to play those sort of games with them\u2026he would never respect nor trust me\u2026and I couldn\u2019t bear to lose that\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBut if you won him\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI wouldn\u2019t though\u2026I might destroy his relationship with Laura\u2026..and then he would have nothing\u2026he wouldn\u2019t want me.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAre you that sure?\u201d he lowered his head, the black eyes staring into mine and I nodded<\/p>\n

\u201cHe\u2019s not like Sir Lancelot, you see\u2026\u201d I sighed<\/p>\n

\u201cSir Lancelot? What was so wrong with Sir Lancelot?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHe had flaws\u2026.he was disloyal\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAll men have flaws, my dear.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI know!\u201d I smiled slowly and sighed and thought to myself that my knight errant, dear Sir Galahad\u2026no, he had no flaws, not to me anyway!<\/p>\n

I turned at the sound of feet on the boards of the sidewalk and saw the three men hurrying towards me, behind them came Laura and Peggy, who held a bunch of dedraggled flowers in her hand<\/p>\n

\u201cLeaving without saying goodbye, Jane?\u201d Adam scolded, sounding so much like his father that I was actually able to smile.<\/p>\n

His eyes held mine for a moment, just as his hands took hold of mine gently and it reminded me of the lines in Paradise Lose when Eve looked at her husband and said \u201cGod is thy law, thou mine; to know no more is woman\u2019s happiest knowledge and her praise. With thee conversing, I forget all time!\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe angled in, pushing his brother out of the way and then Joe kissed me and asked me to come back soon, and then Hoss came and swung me up into the air which made Peggy giggle and even I managed to laugh.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou come back right soon\u201d Hoss said, with his blue eyes looking intensely into my own.<\/p>\n

Laura shook my hand and smiled and said \u201cIt\u2019s a shame you\u2019ll miss the wedding, Jane\u201d but I turned away and took the flowers from Peggy and kissed her cheek.<\/p>\n

\u201cJane\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

I turned as Adam came and put his hand gently on my arm, he smiled and slipped a small book into my hand and then leaned down and kissed me. Just a kiss on the cheek. As friends.<\/p>\n

\u201cGoodbye\u2026\u201d I managed to say and turned away and hurried into the hotel to collect the last bits of my baggage. I looked at the book he had given me, a worn copy of An Anthology of Modern Poetry and then I fell upon the bed and sobbed my heart out.<\/p>\n

That was such a long hour, getting from the hotel to the stagecoach and waiting for the driver to tell us to clamber aboard. The Cartwrights were there, amidst others who had come to see friends or relatives depart. I waved, distancing my self from them evenso. A tall dark man was elbowing his way through the crowd, handsome with twinkling eyes, and over the crowd of chattering people I heard him call out \u201cUncle Ben\u2026hey thar, it\u2019s Will\u2026\u201d and then Hoss said \u201cDadburn it so it is\u2026\u201d and the driver cracked his whip and yelled \u201cGit along thar\u2026.\u201d<\/p>\n

Dust eddied up and obscured them from view, momentarily I saw Adam raise his hand in farewell, his dark eyes looking into mine, but they were not the eyes of a man about to be wed!<\/p>\n

Chapter 16 \u2013 1866<\/p>\n

We sat there cheek by jowl as the expression goes. My cousins, their wives and children, friends and other relatives of my late uncle. We sat in that small, claustrophobic little room and listened to the lawyer as he related my uncles final bequests.<\/p>\n

Each waiting for their name to be mentioned, each watching the other. I, dressed in my black crepe, felt out of place, like the forgotten and embarressing poor relation hoping for the proverbial penny to be tossed their way. When my name was mentioned I saw eyes dart in my direction, some filled with envy and malice and others with pleasure for my sake and my uncles.<\/p>\n

Later the lawyer delayed me so that he could glean a few \u2018relative details\u2019 in order to tidy up the loose ends as he put it and thereby ensure my receiving the modest allowance my uncle had left me.<\/p>\n

I was not poor, but I was isolated. I had spent the years travelling from country to country, in Europe. Then the larger cities in the South\u2026I had experienced Atlanta\u2019s destruction, fleeing from the fires with only my clothes that I was wearing and my beloved violin. I had never returned to Neveda, nor enquired about any one there\u2026.my heart was alive only because of my love of music, and memories.<\/p>\n

I trailed my way from the college grounds, away from my cousins and the remnants of the past. Finally I found somewhere, a pleasant park, to sit down and to think over the past few days, eversince the letter had arrived at my apartment, telling me that my uncle was dead, and would I kindly attend the funeral. It was Arthur\u2019s handwriting and not particularly conciliatory.<\/p>\n

It was a warm day, pleasant to sit in. I opened my purse and took out my worn little book of verse and opened it at one of my favourite pages and with a sigh began to read\u2026..
\n\u2026\u2026\u2026\u2026\u2026..
\n(Narrative of Jane Halcrow Duncan ends. Narrative of Adam Cartwright begins\u2026.Princeton 1867)
\n\u2026\u2026\u2026\u2026\u2026.<\/p>\n

I will never know why I dragged myself to that funeral, perhaps the feeblest excuse would be to pay my respects to a fine man, perhaps the greatest hope was that I would see her there.<\/p>\n

Jane\u2026Jane Halcrow\u2026how she had haunted me all these years. The memory of her had lingered at the back of my mind, and deep in my heart from the time I had first seen her\u2026a little girl with red rimmed eyes clutching her violin case.<\/p>\n

I was on the verge of making a decision in my life. I had made several major decisions such as this one\u2026once when I went to college to study architecture and then, three years later, instead of achieving fame by designing fantastic buildings, I returned to the Ponderosa and helped my pa build an empire. Then next\u2026.to leave the empire and strike out on my own, what had I to lose? Nothing! I needed that time away from the Ponderosa and I seized the chance to go to sea, like a hungry man grasping for bread, for water\u2026<\/p>\n

Looking back I can see that all I had done was to lose something more precious than what I had gained. I lost my brother! Nothing, nothing in the world, had prepared me for the loss of my brother. I had, in some befuddled reasoning at the back of my mind, thought that when I left the Ponderosa, it would be cocooned, kept safe, waiting as though suspended in time, until I eventually returned. I forgot that such things do not happen, and that life goes on\u2026or ends!<\/p>\n

Eric \u2018Hoss\u2019 \u2013 would I ever forget the sheer size of him, the way he filled my life from his birth onwards. And in the end, I failed him. I was not there to help him, nor save him, and it does not matter that my father and Joe say that no one could have prevented it from happening, it just does not remove the guilt and the pain.<\/p>\n

Had I been running away? When Laura married Will and they left Neveda to make their lives together, had my heart broken? No, no\u2026again, fool though I was, I had lost something more precious than I had gained. I gained freedom but I had lost Jane.<\/p>\n

I had dragged myself to that funeral and searched the faces that thronged the church and the burial ground. Faces of women obscured by black veils. I recognised no one!<\/p>\n

I walked about the town. Perhaps I reasoned to myself that the time had come to give up this search..to just give up and begin my journey home, back to the Ponderosa. The sea had been my life for four years, but I no longer had that yearning to be anywhere, other than home, with my family\u2026with my land\u2026land that had been borne from our blood, my fathers, and my brothers.<\/p>\n

I found myself, eventually, at a park. Pleasant enough and the day was warm. I walked down the pathways between flowered borders until I saw a woman sitting on her own reading from a book.<\/p>\n

Sometimes when I had been in foreign places I had thought I had seen her face..and rushing up had surprised, and even frightened, the woman as I seized them and said \u201cJane\u201d only to find I had been mistaken after all. So, this time, I was wary\u2026and approached slowly, watching her carefully as she turned a page of the book and with an intense look on her face, continued to read.<\/p>\n

I stopped now. Just a few paces from her and saw her turn another page and sigh. She held the book closer to her, the page touched her mouth and she closed her eyes and sighed again. Then she looked up and slowly turned her head towards me\u2026.her eyes, blue as ever they were, became bluer with the intensity of her gaze. Her colour just drained from her face and I stepped forward hurridly, catching her just as she seemed to fall forward\u2026<\/p>\n

\u201cSteady up there\u2026\u201d I whispered<\/p>\n

She said nothing, but held onto me as though I were the lifeline to life itself, and then I realised she was crying, silent, deep tears.<\/p>\n

\u201cJane?\u201d<\/p>\n

She looked up at me and her eyes were luminous with tears unshed now, her lashes were spiked with them and her face was grave and then suddenly, transformed as her lips smiled<\/p>\n

\u201cI thought I was dreaming\u201d she said and moved away from me, and yet held onto my hands, and I realised that she was trembling with emotion \u201cIt is you, isn\u2019t it? Adam?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s me\u2026as you see\u2026\u201d I smiled, my head spinning round and round as I searched for something sensible to say, but how can anyone be sensible in a situation like this one? \u201cJane, I looked for you everywhere\u2026I wrote to people whom I thought would know your whereabouts\u2026but you seemed to have dropped off the face of the earth\u2026.I couldn\u2019t find you\u2026don\u2019t you realise you broke my heart when you left?\u201d<\/p>\n

She looked at me, puzzled and confused, her head to one side and her blue eyes searching my face, as though she half expected me to be joking. How lovely she was..to me..more lovlier than anyone in the world. She would have said then, as she says now, that she was not ever pretty nor beautiful, but to me\u2026.oh indeed, yes she is, was, always will be.<\/p>\n

\u201cBut you were getting married\u2026to Laura\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cShe married my cousin, Will.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWill?\u201d she looked away, staring back into the past and then she nodded and then she shook her head and then she laughed, almost hysterically, and I took her hands and looked at her until she had calmed down \u201cOh, what I fool I\u2019ve been\u2026why didn\u2019t I do what your father suggested..had I only stayed a few more days, or weeks\u2026.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWe could have had a double wedding\u2026.I got the house finished!\u201d I said as light heartedly as I could, as I brushed away the tears from her cheeks.<\/p>\n

\u201cBut\u2026all these years\u2026wasted\u2026gone\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

I looked down at her and thought of the years\u2026they seemed suddenly like nothing at all, all I knew, and was certain of, was that the years ahead would never be wasted again. I smiled down at her and drew her into my arms and held her close and kissed her lips.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhen I go home\u2026\u201d I said later, as she stood by my side with her hand in mine \u201cI want to take my wife with me\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

She looked at me and smiled and put her head upon my shoulder, and I slipped my arm around her waist and held her close. She was a slender woman, as she had been a slim girl, and her oval face was as sweet as it had been when she had looked at me in that train compartment when she was all of ten years old.<\/p>\n

\u201cDo you think you\u2019ll be getting married then?\u201d she said with the lilt of laughter in her voice.<\/p>\n

\u201cCertainly.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBut maybe your future wife would not want to be married to a seaman\u2026and spend even more time away from you?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m leaving the sea\u2026I couldn\u2019t bear to be apart from my wife more than I have to be\u2026I don\u2019t want any more wasted months, weeks, nor days between us, Jane\u201d<\/p>\n

She smiled, I could feel her lips moving in a smile against my own\u2026.I had never known, never tasted, never touched someone I loved so much in all my life and the feeling rocked me from head to foot.<\/p>\n

\u201cMy fairest, my espous\u2019d, my latest found,
\nHeaven\u2019s last best gift, my ever new delight\u201d<\/p>\n

CONCLUSION by Jane Halcrow Cartwright<\/p>\n

I sit at the table and look about me \u2013 at my side sits my husband as tall and handsome as ever. How I love him, how I have ever loved him. Shall I ever forget the day when he approached me at the park in Princeton? Never, never!<\/p>\n

He told me later that he loved me from the first moment he saw me at ten years of age. He was lonely, homesick, frightened of what lay ahead\u2026.and then he saw me, a little girl clutching a violin, crying and sad, but pressing on with whatever lay ahead. He said my courage had given him courage\u2026how strange, and I had thought it was all the other way around!<\/p>\n

And now time has passed\u2026.we have our home on the Ponderosa, and Joseph and his wife live with Ben in the original house. We have a son Ethan, and a daughter, Elizabeth and Joe\u2019s wife is expecting their first child within a months time.<\/p>\n

I have never been so happy\u2026in fact, we can laugh now at the wasted years, although it often used to break my heart to think of the times wasted\u2026.had I only stayed when Will had breezed into town! How different things could have been\u2026.and perhaps the empty chair at the table on the Ponderosa would still be filled\u2026.<\/p>\n

I look at my children and my husband, my dear father in law\u2026yes, indeed, we can make our lives sublime\u2026and departing, leave behind us footprints in the sands of time.<\/p>\n

The End\u2026\u2026\u2026\u2026<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

Reviewer: jojay Anonymous
\nDate: 07 Sep 2011 03:29 pm Title: Chapter 1<\/p>\n

Wonderful images and dialogue.\u00a0 This one of the first BZ\u00a0stories I ever read and I’ll always love it!<\/p>\n

Author’s Response: Thankyou so much, joyay, that’s great to know, and I was really pleased to know that you have enjoyed the story so much. Thanks again. Krystyna<\/em><\/p>\n

**********<\/p>\n

Reviewer: Inca Anonymous
\nDate: 24 Aug 2011 02:34 pm Title: Chapter 1<\/p>\n

Loved this a WIP in the forums so thought I would leave a review here too.\u00a0 A lovely wistful tale of love and devotion down the years.\u00a0 Jane is an engrossing heroine, and the whole way through I was rooting for her to be happy.\u00a0 I love her narration and she is so believable.\u00a0 Great Adam too, seen from a different perspective to normal.\u00a0 Highly recommended read.\u00a0 Well done Krystyna.<\/p>\n

Author’s Response: Hi Inca, thank you so much for the reviews during its w.i.p period, and now here in the library. This was the very first Adam romance I had written so was really new to the writing of fanfiction at the time, especially romances. Really so pleased that you liked the story and also the way it was done. I am still very happy thinking over the compliments this little story received. Thank you again, very much. Krystyna<\/em><\/p>\n

**********<\/p>\n

Reviewer: sunrider Signed
\nDate: 23 Aug 2011 03:00 pm Title: Chapter 1<\/p>\n

I read this story as WIP on the forum. Very excited writing, I was always looking forward how it was going on, and when Adam and Jane will meet again. And of cause I loved the happy ending.<\/p>\n

Author’s Response: Sunrider I was always so pleased to get your review on the forum, thank you for them and thank you for leaving a review here for the story. This was my first and most heartfelt of all love stories for Adam and I am so glad that you loved it. THANK YOU. Krystyna<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

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Summary: This is the story of Jane Halcrow and the way she met and fell in love with Adam Cartwright? Does she marry him? Not if Laura Dayton has anything to do about it, but then\u2026.?! Read the story to find out\u2026\u2026\u2026\u2026\u2026\u2026<\/p>\n

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