Summary:\u00a0 After the death of his dearest friend, Joe takes a downward spiral.\u00a0 Can his father stop him before he surrenders to old temptations?
\nRating:\u00a0 T\u00a0 (24,890)<\/p>\n
Whatever It Takes Series:<\/strong><\/p>\n Whatever it Takes<\/a> Of One Breath<\/strong><\/p>\n <\/p>\n ( Ecclesiastes Chapter 3 Verse 19 : \u201cFor that which befalleth the sons of men befalleth beasts; even one thing befalleth them: as the one dieth, so dieth the other; yea, they have all one breath; so that a man hath no preeminence above a beast: for all is vanity.\u201d)<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Ben Cartwright stood outside the Overland Stage Office and pulled his pocket watch from his leather vest.\u00a0 He stared down at the time piece, but didn\u2019t even note the hour or minute before returning it inside his pocket.\u00a0 It had become a matter of mindless habit, as his thoughts were far from the lateness of the stagecoach from San Francisco, nor how long he had stood pacing the wood walkway.\u00a0 His thoughts were only on one passenger who would be arriving on the stage, his youngest son, Joseph.\u00a0 It had been a little less than three weeks since Ben had dropped his son at this same depot on a trip which was part business and part pleasure.\u00a0 Joseph had needed time away.\u00a0 The young man\u2019s twenty-second year of life had been rife with trouble and upheaval.\u00a0 Even though Joseph hadn\u2019t complained, his father could tell that his son was finding it harder to cope with the many trials he had endured since the beginning of the year.<\/p>\n And what a year it had been!\u00a0 Ben reflected as he finally gave up on his pacing and sank down to the wooden bench in front of the depot.\u00a0 He found his lips to be turning downward as the pictures began to run by his mind.\u00a0 Before the first part of spring had hit, Joe had been held against his will by two of the worst varmints that Virginia City had to offer.\u00a0 Ben\u2019s blood ran cold as he thought of what Travis Brodie and Pete Conn had done to his son.\u00a0 Always aware that there were those who had tried to kidnap one of the four Cartwrights for a fast buck, this was altogether different.\u00a0 Travis and Pete had taken Joe for purely inhumane reasons.\u00a0 When all was said and done, Joe had been found alive, but had been injected numerous times with morphine.\u00a0 That would have been bad enough to do to anyone at random, but Joseph had fought back from a morphine addiction the previous year.\u00a0 Ben groaned aloud and shook his head as the old pent up anger was back in the forefront of his mind and heart.\u00a0 Even the addiction was no fault of his son, as he had been given the morphine two years prior due to the injuries Joe had sustained while saving a young girl from a burning barn.\u00a0 Unfortunately the doctor had to use the highly addictive drug morphine to keep Joe alive during the intense fight to save his life from serious burns he had received during the rescue.<\/p>\n Once again Ben stood, and began the routine pacing.\u00a0 All the past was weighing him down and he fought hard to push it away.\u00a0 Joe had recovered from both his addiction to morphine and the second bout at the hands of the two captors.\u00a0 Fortunately, both Travis and Pete were now doing hard time for what they had done to Joseph.\u00a0 That chapter was over, but every now and then Ben caught a peculiar look on his son\u2019s face.\u00a0 He was never quite sure just how much Joseph thought about either ordeal, and didn\u2019t choose to ask him.\u00a0 Ben hoped Joe would come to him if any of the old demons came back, as theirs was a tight bond, one that was unbreakable.\u00a0 But, it had been one reason why he had given the job to Joe to go to San Francisco to handle some minor business problems instead of giving that task to his two older brothers.\u00a0 Ben knew that Joe would be stopping by to see Doctor Harold Peele, the person Ben credited with saving his son\u2019s life.\u00a0 It had been at the recovery hospital in San Francisco where Doctor Peele had weaned Joseph off of the morphine, and again he had helped him with moral support , during the crisis earlier in the year.\u00a0 Yes, Ben was glad that things were going well on the trip, at least according to Joe\u2019s last telegraph.\u00a0 But, now there was a new problem, one that didn\u2019t look as though it could be resolved without causing Joseph more pain.<\/p>\n Ben sighed to himself and hoped that his youngest would understand why he hadn\u2019t sent an immediate telegraph at the first sign of trouble at home.\u00a0 It wouldn\u2019t have mattered, as Joe was due to board the stage for home the day after it all had happened.\u00a0 There wouldn\u2019t have been a way to get him home any faster.\u00a0 The anxious father played the scene over and over in his mind.\u00a0 How would he break the news to his son?\u00a0 After the ordeal with Travis and Pete, along with so many other periods of sadness lately, Ben was worried whether Joe could come to terms with what was waiting for him at home.\u00a0 Ben remembered Joe having to stand right there at the Overland Stage Depot two months prior and his sad goodbye he had said to his longtime friend, Mitch Devlin.\u00a0 Mitch had married\u00a0 and had decided to move to his new bride\u2019s hometown in New England, thus ending for all intents and purposes a friendship which had lasted fifteen of Joe\u2019s twenty-two years.\u00a0 Yes, Joseph might eventually visit Mitch, but he knew it wouldn\u2019t be any time soon, nor would their relationship remain as tight as it had been.\u00a0 ***And such is life*** Ben thought to himself.\u00a0 But, it didn\u2019t lessen his worry over what lay ahead once the stage pulled into town.<\/p>\n Joe Cartwright watched the scenery go by as the stagecoach rocked and pitched it\u2019s way going along the rising and falling trails which led to Virginia City.\u00a0 He had found the trip to be longer coming home than it seemed going to San Francisco.\u00a0 Though he was always the sort who craved a new adventure, or at least a change from the norm, it didn\u2019t take long before he found himself missing home.\u00a0 Home meant the Ponderosa Ranch.\u00a0 Home meant his brothers Hoss and Adam.\u00a0 Foremost, home meant his father, his mainstay, his rock.\u00a0 Lifting the canteen, which was now filled with lukewarm water, Joe took a generous swig.\u00a0 He would\u2019ve passed it around to the other passengers, but there weren\u2019t any.\u00a0 The few who had ridden the first leg of the trip had disembarked at the last stop.\u00a0 There were two salesmen, and a rather rotund middle aged woman.\u00a0 Of course once Joe had done his share of embellishing, he would have a much more interesting cast of characters to tell Hoss about. And Hoss would believe his little brother, to a point at least.\u00a0 Whereas, as always, he would get an eye-roll from his elder brother, Adam, once the tale grew too deep.\u00a0 Now as for what Pa would say or do upon hearing his son\u2019s obvious fable, it was a certainty.\u00a0 Joe was sure his father would at least allow him to get the whole story out and let Hoss ask some questions before turning a warning gaze towards his youngest son.\u00a0 And at that point, Joe would cave in to the awful truth that the trip home had been boring.<\/p>\n Joe looked at his pocket watch and couldn\u2019t help smiling.\u00a0 The engraving on the inside of the cover read:\u00a0 \u00a0\u201cabsolute faith\u201d, and was a constant reminder of his father.\u00a0 Pa had given him the watch that year, which had to be one of the few and far between highlights of the last ten months.\u00a0 Joe could tell that the stage would be pulling in soon, though, according to the time it would be a good hour late.\u00a0 That wasn\u2019t unusual, and Joe could visualize his father patiently waiting at the stage depot.\u00a0 Joe laughed aloud, Pa patient?\u00a0 Maybe at some things, Joe admitted, but not as far as waiting on a stage to come in!\u00a0 Joe felt eager to be back home and wasn\u2019t thrilled with the wait either.\u00a0 Ever since he had peered out the window and viewed Mt. Davidson looming above the road he couldn\u2019t wait to reach Virginia City.\u00a0 He wanted to see the man, who was surely waiting on him, and he wanted the normalcy that he\u2019d find at home.\u00a0 Joe shook his head bewildered.\u00a0 Even he would admit to having a somewhat split personality.\u00a0 One part of him longed for excitement and adventure, while the other side of him wanted nothing more than the surety of being with his family in familiar surroundings.\u00a0 And after enduring many traumatic life experiences, like those that had been thrown his way the past couple years, he would gladly choose the regular day to day ranch life there on the Ponderosa.\u00a0 Joe felt it was about time that his life evened out and he caught a break from any more sadness and strife.<\/p>\n Ben heard the sound, and then saw the dust cloud before the stagecoach finally came into view.\u00a0 He felt like his heart was in his throat, and wondered if he could pull off the fa\u00e7ade that all was well once Joe disembarked there in front of him. \u00a0\u00a0Only a few seconds later the moment was upon him as Stubby the driver pulled back on his reins and the stage manager came out of his office to put the step down on the ground.\u00a0 Ben couldn\u2019t help but smile as he spied the curly headed young man, who halfway jumped out of the coach and was there in front of his father.<\/p>\n \u201cHey, Pa!\u00a0 Good to see you!\u201d\u00a0 Joe called as he reached for Ben\u2019s outstretched hand.<\/p>\n \u201cYou\u2019ve got to do better than that after being gone for a month,\u201d\u00a0 Ben grinned and pulled his son into a quick hug.<\/p>\n \u201cMonth?\u00a0 C\u2019mon, Pa — it hasn\u2019t even been three full weeks,\u201d Joe argued, but allowed the exchange gladly.<\/p>\n \u201cReally?\u00a0 Only three weeks?\u201d\u00a0 Ben teased as Joe broke loose and turned to retrieve his one suitcase from the driver.<\/p>\n Ben turned to lead his son over to the buckboard, and Joe put his luggage underneath the bench seat.<\/p>\n \u201cHey — how about a beer before that long drive home?\u201d\u00a0 Joe suggested.\u00a0 \u201cYou know it was a dusty drive and all.\u201d<\/p>\n Ben paused, trying hard not to give away why there was a need for their urgent return to the Ponderosa Ranch.\u00a0 Time was definitely a serious issue, though he didn\u2019t dare tell his son why until they were almost to the ranch house.\u00a0 If he told Joseph what was really going on he was sure that the boy would vault up onto the nearest horse and race homeward.\u00a0 Ben feared that in Joe\u2019s rush to get home that he would be injured.<\/p>\n \u201cNot this time, Joseph.\u00a0 I have already been away longer than planned — and there are some things I have to tend to once we get home,\u201d Ben replied. ***Good try, Ben.\u00a0 Hope Joe didn\u2019t hear what was behind that lame excuse***Ben thought to himself.<\/p>\n \u201cWell, how about I stay here for just an hour or so?\u00a0 I can rent a horse from the livery?\u201d<\/p>\n ***He\u2019s going to make this hard on me.\u00a0 I\u2019ve just got to get him home! *** Ben continued to think of a valid excuse.<\/p>\n \u201cPa?\u00a0 What is it?\u201d\u00a0 Joe asked, wondering why his father hadn\u2019t replied one way or the other.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019ll tell you what,\u201d Ben paused, and climbed up into the driver\u2019s side of the buckboard, which ended the debate, \u201cif you want to go into town tomorrow, I\u2019ll give you the day off.\u201d<\/p>\n Joe climbed up alongside his father and tried to study the man\u2019s face.\u00a0 He could tell that something was up.\u00a0 ***Pa is sure acting funny!\u00a0 I just got home and he\u2019s already going to give me a day off?\u00a0 Either he REALLY missed me bad, or he\u2019s not telling me something. *** Joe thought to himself as the wagon began its journey home.<\/p>\n The ride back to the ranch house was a strange one, at least in Joe\u2019s opinion.\u00a0 Pa seemed awfully interested in every minute detail of his son\u2019s stay in San Francisco, but was very void of details as to what was going on at home.\u00a0 Joe informed his father about all the business dealings, and how he had resolved the problems with the lumber orders, and all else he had been sent to do.\u00a0 Ben tried his very best to volley questions back and forth in order to keep Joe from asking specifics about what had gone on day by day there at the ranch.<\/p>\n \u201cSo, you didn\u2019t stop by the hospital?\u201d\u00a0 Ben asked, noting mentally that they were now only minutes from the ranch house.<\/p>\n \u201cPa — I told you that forty minutes ago!\u201d\u00a0 Joe exclaimed.\u00a0 \u201cI told you that Doctor Peele and I met over dinner.\u00a0 I told you that I really wasn\u2019t up to seeing where I went through all that hell a year ago.\u00a0 Why haven\u2019t you listened to a word I\u2019ve said?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m sorry, Joseph — I guess I\u2019ve had a lot on my mind.\u00a0 I do remember you saying you ate dinner with the doctor.\u00a0 I was paying attention to everything you said.\u00a0\u00a0 You know your old man isn\u2019t as young as he used to be!\u201d\u00a0 Ben explained, and hoped for some kind of a save.\u00a0 Home was now too close for comfort and everything would be changing very soon.\u00a0 Dread was taking over, and even his brief smile, aimed after his reply, came off as a half-hearted attempt.<\/p>\n ***Nice try*** Joe thought to himself as he took a good hard look at his father\u2019s uneasiness.\u00a0 There had to be something very wrong, something Pa was doing his best to keep him from finding out.\u00a0 *** I wonder if I should just wait him out?\u00a0 I mean — we\u2019re almost to the ranch house — if he won\u2019t tell me I can always get it out of Hoss.***<\/p>\n \u201cPa, you\u2019re sharper than me on my best day.\u00a0 Is there something I need to know?\u201d\u00a0 Joe now turned his bright hazel eyes directly on his father.<\/p>\n Ben did not reply, it was too late, and if he even tried to lie again he wouldn\u2019t have been able to do it.\u00a0 Not now.\u00a0 Not with Joseph and his eyes which could burn through to his father\u2019s very soul.<\/p>\n \u201cPa?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cHere we are,\u201d\u00a0 Ben paused, as he turned the team around the barn and they pulled into the yard.\u00a0 \u201cLet\u2019s go inside, Joseph.\u00a0 I do need to talk to you.\u00a0 I just didn\u2019t want to mention any of this out on the trail.\u201d\u00a0 Ben reached under the bench seat and retrieved Joe\u2019s bag.\u00a0 \u201cCome inside and I\u2019ll tell you what\u2019s going on.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Ben draped his arm across his son\u2019s shoulder as the two Cartwrights entered the ranch house.\u00a0 Before either man could take off their gun belts or hang up their hats, Adam came around from the kitchen.<\/p>\n \u201cNot much time if you want to see her — Adam began, and then noticed his father waving his hand, trying to stop his son from continuing in his statement.\u00a0 Adam stopped in mid-sentence.<\/p>\n \u201cTo see WHO?\u00a0 What\u2019s going on?\u201d\u00a0 Joe retorted, now knowing there was something very badly wrong, and it seemed like everyone knew except him.<\/p>\n \u201cJoseph — please — just sit down for a minute,\u201d Ben began, as he tugged on his son\u2019s arm, guiding him gently towards the living room.<\/p>\n Joe reluctantly sat down on the settee across from his father, his face betraying his urgency to find out what Adam had meant before being stopped abruptly.<\/p>\n \u201cJoseph,\u201d\u00a0 Ben began softly, carefully weighing each word as he went into his explanation, \u201ctwo days before you were due to leave San Francisco to come home, Hoss noticed that Cochise was off her feed.\u00a0 You know that we all take good care of your horse whenever you are away for any period of time.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhat\u2019s wrong with her?!\u201d\u00a0 Joe demanded and stood.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Ben tugged Joe\u2019s left wrist, forcing him to sit back down.\u00a0 \u201cYou have to let me tell you all of this and then you can go out to see her,\u201d Ben insisted, however he did it without a harsh forcefulness, knowing what effect his story would have on his son.\u00a0 He watched Joe sitting stiffly, bracing himself from the information as it was being unraveled in front of him.\u00a0 It was then that Ben took in a deep unsettled breath and continued.\u00a0 \u201cEach day you were gone we took turns feeding Cochise, putting her out in the front corral, currying her, tending to her just like you would\u2019ve done.\u00a0 But, she took sick, and by the second day, when Hoss had done everything he could think of to help, we decided to call in a vet.\u00a0 We knew you were on your way home, and there wasn\u2019t any way to get you here any faster.\u00a0 So we sent for Doc Harper, the best vet around these parts, and he came right away from Carson City.\u00a0 And, just like your brother, he tried everything he could do to get her to eat.\u00a0 But she went down.\u00a0 We tried pulling her up with belly bands and blankets and a pulley system that Hoss and Adam rigged up in the barn.\u00a0 But, Son, she was in undeniable pain.\u00a0 After a few hours Doc helped us take her back down and she\u2019s been laying in her stall ever since.\u00a0 The Doc thought we should put her down yesterday, but, I knew you needed to see her and say your goodbyes.\u201d<\/p>\n Joe jumped to his feet after his father\u2019s last word and bolted for the front door.\u00a0 Ben was quick to catch up with him before he pulled open the barn door.\u00a0 He knew that Joseph wouldn\u2019t take anyone\u2019s opinion about his horse, especially if that opinion suggested putting Cochise down.\u00a0 Ben watched as Joe pushed aside Adam, Hoss and the veterinarian.\u00a0 Joe quickly fell to his knees alongside of his beloved horse.<\/p>\n Joe began to gently speak to Cochise, stroking her mane, \u201cYou fool horse!\u00a0 I told you I\u2019d be back in a couple of weeks.\u00a0 Get up and stop all of this nonsense.\u201d<\/p>\n Joe knelt closer and stared into his horse\u2019s dull right eye.\u00a0 He also noticed that she was having trouble breathing.\u00a0 With each rise and fall of her side there was a definite wheezing sound which accompanied the breath.\u00a0 Joe whipped his head around and stared accusingly at his two brothers.\u00a0 \u201cWhat did you give her?\u00a0 Did she get into any poison?\u201d<\/p>\n Neither Hoss nor Adam took their brother\u2019s outburst personal, as they could tell he was at his wit\u2019s end watching his horse laying there in agony.\u00a0 Hoss was first to respond.<\/p>\n Dropping a large hand on his brother\u2019s right shoulder Hoss replied, \u201cLittle Brother, you know I took care of Cochise like she was my own horse.\u00a0 Adam and Pa did too!\u00a0 I\u2019m just so sorry, I done everything I could think of —\u201c Hoss stopped, he had to turn around and wipe a few tears from his eyes.\u00a0 He didn\u2019t want Joe to see them.\u00a0 He had stayed in the barn night and day since the horse had gone down.\u00a0 And now to see his little brother suffering was eating him up inside.\u00a0 Hoss was better than any vet around, but they had brought Doc Harper in just in case he had missed something.<\/p>\n \u201cYoung Man, this animal should be put down as soon as possible.\u00a0 It has suffered more than necessary already,\u201d Doc Harper admonished.<\/p>\n \u201cIt\u2019s not an animal!\u201d Joe shouted, springing to his feet.\u00a0 His blood boiled after hearing what the vet had just announced, as though it had been a reprimand aimed directly at the horse\u2019s owner.\u00a0 He observed that all three men were wearing holsters, and Joe knew what the doctor was suggesting.\u00a0 \u201cThe first person who puts a bullet into this horse better be prepared to take a bullet himself!\u201d Joe warned, deadly serious.<\/p>\n Ben moved around his two older sons and the doctor, and put a firm hand on Joe\u2019s shoulder.\u00a0 \u201cNo-one is doing anything without your permission, Joseph.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cPa?\u201d\u00a0 Joe whispered, now feeling as though he would be sick to his stomach.\u00a0 \u201cPa, can\u2019t you do something?\u201d\u00a0 Joe\u2019s voice came out like that of a frightened child, one who expected his pa to perform a miracle.<\/p>\n Ben hurt inside as he stared into his son\u2019s tear filled eyes and heard his desperate plea for help.\u00a0 \u201cI wish I could, Boy,\u201d he responded and pulled Joe against his chest for comfort.<\/p>\n Joe looked around the room at the faces of each man.\u00a0 He knew in his heart that they were not the enemy, but it didn\u2019t seem that way.\u00a0 They had already pronounced a death sentence on Cochise, and his was the only dissenting vote.\u00a0 Finally, after Joe had watched his horse\u2019s struggle for each breath, he stared up at the doctor and asked, \u201c If I don\u2019t do nothing how long does she have?\u201d<\/p>\n The vet shook his head, and this time was more delicate with his response, \u201cTo tell you the truth she should\u2019ve been gone already.\u00a0 I think maybe she\u2019s been holding on for you.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI need a couple of minutes alone,\u201d Joe paused and knelt back down next to Cochise, \u201cI\u2019ve got to talk to her first.\u201d<\/p>\n Ben nodded and all four men left Little Joe in the barn with his horse.\u00a0 As Ben closed the barn door he could see his youngest sprawled out alongside the animal, his arm hugging Cochise\u2019s neck.\u00a0 He knew it would be one of the hardest and saddest goodbyes Joseph had ever had to handle.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Joe traced the white blotch of hair, which stood out from the solid black right side of the filly\u2019s neck, with his index finger.\u00a0 He knew the horse so well.\u00a0 It was a pinto, and though the white and black parts of the horse showed no rhyme or reason as to their placements to a bystander, Joe could close his eyes and describe exactly which part of the horse\u2019s body were what shade.\u00a0 The black right side of her neck was exactly opposite to the left white side.\u00a0 Her face was black, but going down her muzzle was a perfect white stripe.\u00a0 The midsection was mainly white, the hindquarters being mostly black.\u00a0 Joe knew this paint pony because she wasn\u2019t just a horse to him.\u00a0 The fact of the matter was that Cochise had become his best friend.\u00a0 With the exception of his father, Joe Cartwright had had more conversations with the pinto than any other being in his life.\u00a0 And with each talk, Cochise would respond with a special brand of wisdom, usually the silent kind.\u00a0 It was the listening part she did best, that, and the fact that she never judged, and by a nod of the filly\u2019s head she would agree with her master.\u00a0 Joe had unconditional love for Cochise and he felt the same kind of love given in return.\u00a0 This special human-like pinto had saved his life many times, and now Joe was being forced into taking hers away.<\/p>\n \u201cCooch — you can\u2019t leave me — not now — we\u2019ve got to get those cows down to winter grass.\u00a0 I told you I was taking you on a trip before the snows came,\u201d Joe began his conversation, as tears dripped out of his eyes, down his cheeks, falling onto his horse.\u00a0 \u201cI can\u2019t do this without you!\u00a0 C\u2019mon — why don\u2019t you show them all?\u00a0 Why don\u2019t you stop laying around and get up and prove them all wrong?\u201d<\/p>\n Joe didn\u2019t hear the door to the barn open, where his father stood in the dimming light.\u00a0 Ben watched the scene in silence, crestfallen over the heartbreaking decision his son had to make.<\/p>\n \u201cYou\u2019re my best friend, Cochise!\u00a0 I can\u2019t let you go.\u00a0 I can\u2019t let anyone — Joe trailed off when he thought about someone putting a bullet through his beloved horse.\u00a0 He felt as though he was consenting to a murder.\u00a0 Joe\u2019s eyes glazed over\u00a0 when he realized it would be like he was betraying Cochise after all the years that she had taken care of him.<\/p>\n \u201cJoseph,\u201d Ben called softly, \u201csometimes letting go is an act of love.\u201d<\/p>\n Joe threw his arms around the horse\u2019s neck and tried once more.\u00a0 \u201cWon\u2019t you please show me that I shouldn\u2019t let them do this?\u201d\u00a0 Joe begged.\u00a0 It was at that moment that Cochise struggled one final time to lift her head and tried to stare at her master.\u00a0 Her head came right back down.<\/p>\n Joe had witnessed the attempt, and saw the pain it had caused the horse to make one last sign to him.\u00a0 It was as though she was giving him one final goodbye.\u00a0 Then she closed her eyes and her breathing became more labored.<\/p>\n \u201cPa, — send the doc in — Hoss and Adam can come in too,\u201d Joe whispered, as he tried to wipe some of his tears off on his left shirt sleeve.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n When everyone had gathered back inside the barn Joe spoke in a voice which struggled for control.\u00a0 \u201cDoc, can you give her something —- you know — some kind of shot so she won\u2019t be able to feel —\u201c Joe stopped.\u00a0 He couldn\u2019t say the word bullet.\u00a0 Not in front of his friend.<\/p>\n The doctor nodded and replied, \u201cYes, I could give her an injection, but the size of the needle of that syringe would hurt far more than just a good clean shot.\u201d<\/p>\n Joe stroked Cochise\u2019s mane for a final time and whispered to his horse, \u201cI love you, Cochise.\u00a0 You\u2019ll always be my best friend.\u201d\u00a0 Then he stood and stared over at his family.\u00a0 He looked at Hoss, for perhaps the first time since he had come into the barn.\u00a0 Hoss appeared so worn out emotionally that Joe didn\u2019t dare trust his brother with having a steady aim.\u00a0 Joe knew Pa couldn\u2019t make the shot, not with the way his father was staring sympathetically back at him.\u00a0 Lastly Joe looked at Adam.\u00a0 His eldest brother must have read his thoughts or his face, because he walked over to him.<\/p>\n \u201cAdam — \u201c Joe began, but got too choked up to complete his request.<\/p>\n \u201cI promise, Joe, fast and clean,\u201d\u00a0 Adam nodded and touched his brother\u2019s shoulder compassionately.<\/p>\n Joe took a final look towards his horse and soon felt Ben\u2019s hand on his arm, pulling him out of the barn.\u00a0 Before they took the walk back to the ranch house, Ben stuck his head inside the barn and told Adam not to take the shot until he had gotten Joe indoors.\u00a0 Adam nodded and Hoss and the doctor held up lanterns so that the gunshot would have plenty of light for accuracy.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Ben walked with Joseph at his side.\u00a0 He watched as his son continued to fight internally with the decision he had made.\u00a0 Ben half expected the boy to rush back towards the barn.\u00a0 But, that didn\u2019t happen.\u00a0 They both made it into the living room and were about to walk around to the settee when the resounding gunshot echoed through the walls.\u00a0 Joe stopped in mid-pace and dropped down to his knees on the floor, as if he had felt the impact of the bullet.<\/p>\n \u201cOh, God!\u201d\u00a0 Joe cried, \u201c God I can\u2019t bear this!\u201d Joe sobbed as dull reality began to sink in, and he knew Cochise, his best friend, his companion ever since he was twelve, was now gone.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m so sorry, Joseph,\u201d Ben whispered, and also went to his knees to wrap his arms around his son.\u00a0 He felt Joe\u2019s body quake with sobs of pain.<\/p>\n \u201cPromise me — promise me,\u201d Joe stammered, trying to get out his meaning.<\/p>\n \u201cWhat?\u00a0 What do you need me to do, Son?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cDon\u2019t let them just throw her to the side — like something that never existed.\u00a0 I — I don\u2019t want the animals to get to her.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019ll handle that —- you don\u2019t have to worry.\u00a0 Why don\u2019t you let me get you something to drink?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cAnd her blanket —- the new one I just bought before I left,\u201d Joe stopped, as he was once again caught up in the whole awful event.\u00a0 \u201cwhy did I leave?\u00a0 It\u2019s MY fault!\u00a0 I never should have left.\u201d<\/p>\n Ben shook his head.\u00a0 The worried father could tell that Joe was trying to assign blame to someone, even if that someone was himself.\u00a0 \u201cJoseph?\u00a0 What were you saying about her blanket?\u201d\u00a0 Ben asked, trying to ignore his son\u2019s suggestion that he was the cause of the horse\u2019s illness.\u00a0 He wanted to change the subject back to something that might help the boy deal with Cochise\u2019s death.<\/p>\n \u201cPut it with her, Pa, I — I — don\u2019t want her to be cold,\u201d Joe stammered.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Joe stopped just as Adam and Hoss walked into the house.\u00a0 \u201cI need to be alone,\u201d\u00a0 Joe whispered, as he stood up on shaky legs and headed towards the stairs.\u00a0\u00a0 He made it to the second step, knowing all eyes were fixed on him.\u00a0 Joe never turned around, even though there were no more tears left in him, he still couldn\u2019t face his family.\u00a0 Joe thought that once he was up in the safety of his own room he would cry until there were no tears left inside, but, he wouldn\u2019t shed any more of them in front of his family.\u00a0 He decided that he did need to make one final statement towards the ones who had labored so hard to help Cochise. \u201cHoss — Adam — Pa — thanks for what all you tried to do.\u00a0 I — I —appreciate that you— \u201cJoe stopped abruptly.\u00a0 He could no longer try to put up a brave front.\u00a0 He would thank them another time.\u00a0 Joe ran up the staircase and the three Cartwrights downstairs heard the sound of the heart broken young man\u2019s door being shut.\u00a0 They all knew Joe well.\u00a0 He was not just shutting himself inside his bedroom, he was also shutting all others out.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Midnight found the ranch house to be cloaked in silence.\u00a0 Hoss and Adam had tended to all of their father\u2019s concerns in dealing with Cochise\u2019s remains.\u00a0 Both of the men were well spent once they had returned home.\u00a0 After bidding their father goodnight, each went to his bedroom.\u00a0 Emotional and physical exhaustion having taken over, Adam and Hoss fell fast asleep.\u00a0 Ben hadn\u2019t fared as well.\u00a0 He had wanted to help his two sons with all that Joseph had requested to be done with his horse, but the worried father didn\u2019t want to leave his youngest alone in case he needed to talk.\u00a0 That hadn\u2019t happened.\u00a0 Ben finally gave up checking outside Joe\u2019s bedroom door, hoping he\u2019d be invited in.\u00a0 Instead, quite the contrary, there was no sound coming from inside the boy\u2019s room, and his door was locked.\u00a0 Ben had found that information out after his third or fourth trip down the hall.\u00a0 He had changed into his night clothes after Hoss and Adam had gone to sleep and then stole down to Little Joe\u2019s room.\u00a0 A slow turn of the doorknob let Ben know that Joseph wanted to be left alone.\u00a0 It was a sign that gave him great consternation.\u00a0 He hoped the boy would have sought his father out, if for no other reason than to say goodnight.\u00a0 Ben sighed to himself as he gave up on talking or even seeing Joseph until morning.\u00a0 Still, he was unable to go to sleep himself, and decided to go back downstairs for a shot of brandy and a few chapters of a book.\u00a0 The brandy would hopefully settle his nerves, and the book might lull him into a state of drowsiness.\u00a0 Or so Ben naively thought.<\/p>\n Ben had finished the second and final snifter of brandy and tossed his novel onto the coffee table.\u00a0 After reading the same pages over and over again, he knew it was not a night to be reading and concentrating on anything fictitious.\u00a0 Stark reality hung over the ranch house, even in the wee hours of the morning when nothing stirred, other than a concerned father.\u00a0 Ben closed his eyes as memories flooded his thoughts.\u00a0 He had given up on dealing with the present as his mind flashbacked to Joseph as he had been at the age of twelve.\u00a0 Ben could still hear the boy\u2019s persistent pleading about the same old topic.\u00a0 He wanted a full grown horse , just like his pa, just like his two big brothers.\u00a0 Ben had delayed the inevitable as long as he could.\u00a0 How could Marie\u2019s and his little boy be twelve?\u00a0 It still hurt his father\u2019s heart every single time the curly headed boy turned his hazel eyes on him.\u00a0 Those eyes were Marie\u2019s, though almost everything else about the child was a mixture of both his late wife and himself.\u00a0 Now, as for where Joseph had gotten that strange trilling laugh, his father had no idea!\u00a0 When he had first heard the sound he was sure that Joe was hitting puberty early.\u00a0 Ben had obviously dealt with a change of voice pitch which usually indicated such things, but, the boy\u2019s voice hadn\u2019t changed, just that strange cackling laughter.\u00a0 Of course Hoss and Adam cracked up every time they heard Little Joe\u00a0 let loose with that strange sound, usually after he\u2019d played some prank on his brothers.\u00a0 Ben had asked them not to encourage the kid, as it was something that he hoped Joseph would grow out of.\u00a0 Little did his father suspect that Joseph Cartwright had developed a trait which would follow him throughout his life; his laughter!<\/p>\n Ben stretched in his leather chair and wondered why he was thinking of Joe\u2019s laughter at such a joyless time.\u00a0 He finally reasoned that it was where the start of the whole Cochise saga had begun.\u00a0 Once Joseph hit twelve he had worn his pa down sufficiently and he promised the boy that he could have a grown up horse.\u00a0 That led to weeks of viewing almost every single horse on the large ranch, and parts beyond.\u00a0 Ben\u2019s patience was about spent watching Little Joe each night as he knelt on the floor next to the coffee table.\u00a0 He would have a sheet of paper and a pencil, and instead of homework, which was badly needed, Joe checked his lists of horses he had seen.\u00a0 Ben could still close his eyes and hear the boy calling them out one by one.\u00a0 He inventoried their colors, their markings, how many hands high each of them were, calling everything out loud.\u00a0 His two brothers took the incessant chatter as long as they could.\u00a0 But, soon the living room would erupt in a pillow fight to try to shut up the boy.\u00a0 Like their father, the horse search was wearing thin on Hoss and Adam, as was listening to Joe\u2019s lists each night.\u00a0 There were all kinds of horses on the boy\u2019s lists; from chestnuts to sorrels to bays and buckskins.\u00a0 Joe had even asked for a huge black stallion which had resulted in a resounding \u201cNO!\u201d shouted at the top of his father\u2019s lungs.\u00a0 Marie had been killed on a horse, an exact replica of the one that Joseph had asked for.\u00a0 It was far too much horse for the boy, especially his boy!\u00a0 It had become abundantly clear that Joseph did not know the word STOP, nor the words SLOW DOWN.\u00a0 Ben had already warned his youngest that if he caught him racing any horse, his or anyone else\u2019s, he would not be sitting for a long time.\u00a0 Though Joe had looked attentively towards his father as he was being warned, Pa knew it had probably fallen on deaf ears, as most of his warnings had.\u00a0 And that was why Ben insisted Joseph take the big black stallion off of his list.<\/p>\n A few weeks before the Paiute Indian\u2019s harvest festival, Ben had readied to take some gifts to his friend Chief Winnemucca.\u00a0 Since Joseph had the day off from school and the boy had been so consumed with finding a horse, Ben decided that a short day trip up to the mountain range might help him.\u00a0 Little Joe enjoyed going up to the Indian camp, as he had met several boys up there on past trips and hoped he\u2019d get to show off his new pocket knife.\u00a0 Pa had already warned him not to go playing \u201cblood brother\u201d, as he had the previous year.\u00a0 That little trick had cost Joe several stitches.\u00a0 As Ben stared over at Joe sitting next to him on the buckboard bench seat, he shook his head, wondering why he had bought the boy an appeasement gift of a knife in the first place.\u00a0 Joseph didn\u2019t need any weapons to get hurt, he was in the clumsy stage anyway, and had spent more time out of school than in it due to accidents.<\/p>\n Joseph had been very polite, as usual, when he arrived at the camp.\u00a0 He could be as gracious as he could be aggravating.\u00a0 It wasn\u2019t long after his father had given Chief Winnemucca gifts of tobacco, blankets, and other things to help the tribe through the upcoming winter, that Little Joe had asked Pa if he could go down to the creek with a couple of the young braves.\u00a0 Ben had agreed, but with a stern gaze, he warned the boy to be careful.\u00a0 Joe had waited until his father\u2019s last words and then bolted towards the creek.\u00a0 His father watched as the curly headed boy disappeared around the tents.\u00a0 He silently prayed that Joe had remembered to close his pocket knife before running off.<\/p>\n Ben stood and paced the living room remembering exactly what had happened next, and how Cochise had come into their lives ten years ago.\u00a0 He wasn\u2019t there to see it, but from the way the young braves and Joseph told the story, it was very amusing.\u00a0 Little Joe had apparently been leaning over the creek getting a drink of water after talking non-stop to the other boys.\u00a0 It was at that exact moment that a pinto broke loose from a string of horses and headed down to the water as well.\u00a0 There had been laughter from everyone except Joe when the pinto had slowly approached and nudged the unsuspecting boy into the creek.\u00a0 Joe had done a complete somersault into the water.\u00a0 The pinto, standing at the shoreline, acted like it was very amused by the whole event.\u00a0 The boy had been helped out of the creek by his friend, Silver Wolf, and soon stood soaking wet on the shore.\u00a0 Joe said a few unkind words to the pinto, who whinnied and walked right over to him.\u00a0 Silver Wolf, who had endured hearing non-stop about Joe wanting to get a horse, informed him that he had been chosen by the pinto.\u00a0 Little Joe doubted it.\u00a0 A pinto wasn\u2019t on his list, he was quite sure.\u00a0 But, he found the horse following him all the way back to the camp.\u00a0 The other braves retied the rope corral and soon they were all talking at the same time.\u00a0 Ben who had been sitting cross-legged on the ground stood.\u00a0 There coming towards him was his soaking wet son and a black and white pinto, both walking in perfect unison.\u00a0 Silver Wolf spoke to the Chief in their native tongue to fill him in on what had happened and how only the one pinto had escaped.\u00a0 He also told the elder of the tribe that Joe had been trying to find a horse of his own for weeks.<\/p>\n Chief Winnemucca grabbed Little Joe\u2019s right hand and placed it on the horse\u2019s neck.\u00a0 In three words it was a done deal.\u00a0 The Indian had said simply, \u201cHorse choose boy\u201d. And, with that, Cochise was Joseph Cartwright\u2019s horse.\u00a0 Ben had offered to pay the Chief but the Indian refused.\u00a0 He had received Ben\u2019s gifts graciously, and the Chief expected Ben to reciprocate.\u00a0 Silver Wolf had given Joe and Indian blanket for the horse and provided a bridle with a rope lead to help him get the horse back to the ranch.\u00a0 Of course Little Joe wanted to ride out like a great conqueror, even though his father warned that the horse needed to be saddle broken before the boy would be allowed to ride.\u00a0 As soon as Pa\u2019s head was turned, Joe had launched himself up onto the pinto\u2019s back.\u00a0 Silver Wolf called something to his friend, but Joe wasn\u2019t listening.\u00a0 He was waving goodbye, but accidently pulled back on the rope around the pinto\u2019s neck at the same time.\u00a0 Ben turned around from the seat of the buckboard just in time to see the stark terror on his son\u2019s face.\u00a0 The pinto immediately stood up on its two rear hooves the minute that Joe had inadvertently tugged on the reins.\u00a0 Now Joseph was hanging on for dear life!\u00a0 Ben jumped from his seat to rescue his errant son just as Cochise dumped Joe right down on his backside.\u00a0 After that, the horse nodded its head up and down and gave a whinny that sounded like laughter.\u00a0 Ben reached down and pulled Joe to standing.\u00a0 The boy rubbed at the seat of his pants.\u00a0 There he stood still wet from Cochise\u2019s push into the creek.\u00a0 And, to make matters worse, he had been dumped onto his butt by the same horse; the pinto who had chosen her own master.\u00a0 Ben thoroughly brushed the dirt off Joe\u2019s backside, giving him a quick swat in the process for good measure.\u00a0 Then he tied the pinto\u2019s lead rope to the back of the buckboard.\u00a0 Pa turned his attention back to his rebellious boy and warned him that he\u2019d better do as he was told or Ben would keep the pinto and give Joseph to the Indians.\u00a0 Chief Winnemucca had listened and laughed, finally waving goodbye to the Cartwrights as they stepped up into the buckboard and headed for home.\u00a0 Following eagerly behind them was the pinto, who, only hours later, Joseph would name Cochise.\u00a0 The same pinto who would become a huge part of all the Cartwright\u2019s lives for over ten years.\u00a0 She had followed Joe from the age of twelve to twenty-two, and stayed ever unpredictable, but always faithful; just like her master.<\/p>\n Ben climbed the staircase, hoping to get a couple of hours of sleep before the long day that lay ahead.\u00a0 The trip down memory lane was both heartwarming and sad.\u00a0 He missed Cochise, and felt indebted to the horse for all of the times she had brought Joe home safely.\u00a0 And, if Ben missed the pinto so badly, he could only imagine what was going on in Little Joe\u2019s room all night.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Joe walked across his bedroom and peered out the window.\u00a0 Adam and Hoss were finally home, so he figured that Cochise was gone from the barn now.\u00a0 He had heard the sounds of boots walking in the hallway, and Joe knew it was his father, waiting for an invitation into his room.\u00a0 Pa would\u2019ve stayed home, just in case he was needed, and his brothers had been stuck with the task of getting a horse buried somewhere.\u00a0 Rinsing his face, Joe looked into the mirror on his bureau.\u00a0 It surprised him that, other than the scenes he had made inside the barn and once he had heard the gunshot, he had not broken down again.\u00a0 Moving to his bed, Joe sprawled out still fully dressed.\u00a0 He wished he could feel something.\u00a0 But, there was a remarkable nothingness which had taken over.\u00a0 There was no grief, none at all.\u00a0 Joe tried to force images of Cochise into his mind.\u00a0 Several passed by quickly, like a montage of the horse\u2019s best tricks, or how she knew what her master always needed from her.<\/p>\n The late fall air filtered through the window, reminding the young man of the first time he had taken the filly up to Lake Tahoe.\u00a0 His father had told him that since the horse had just been fully saddle broken, he could ride alone, but wasn\u2019t to ride hard.\u00a0 That compliance lasted until both Joe and Cochise had left the meadow half a mile from the front door.\u00a0 Cochise began.\u00a0 First a trot then a cantor, then she took off in a gallop that surprised her rider so much he almost had fallen off.\u00a0 Joe remembered how she felt, sure of step and always ready for an adventure or to learn a new trick.\u00a0 That day they had climbed, they had descended, they had taken risky trails where even a goat wouldn\u2019t have gone.\u00a0 It wasn\u2019t long before Joe was at the summit over-looking his favorite spot.\u00a0 Lake Tahoe lay ahead.\u00a0 There was the magnificent expanse of blue water and the white snowcapped mountains on the other side.\u00a0 Joe could almost smell the pines in his mind, and remembered how he felt to have his horse — Joe stopped the memory.\u00a0 It had to go away.\u00a0 There WAS no horse!\u00a0 What in the hell was he thinking?\u00a0 Joe sat on the side of the bed.\u00a0 He heard the gentle sound of his doorknob being tested, most likely by his pa.\u00a0 No!\u00a0 Pa would make him remember and he would be his rock and all that stuff.\u00a0 ***Enough with the tragedies already*** Joe thought to himself.\u00a0 The last two years were like a bad play, and unfortunately, he must have been written in as the main character.\u00a0 Joe hated it.\u00a0 He wished he could make it downstairs without running into Pa.\u00a0 Joe thought about the bottle of brandy in the study.\u00a0 Or maybe he could find something stronger?\u00a0 But, he couldn\u2019t chance a run-in with anyone until morning.\u00a0 Morning there would be a plan.\u00a0 Tonight was purgatory.\u00a0 So, the memories would haunt him and by no means help in any way.<\/p>\n Joe moved to the chair at his desk.\u00a0 He wanted to feel uncomfortable.\u00a0 The bed was made for sleeping, and sleeping would bring dreams.\u00a0 He would NOT go there!\u00a0 Closing his eyes there was a canyon and he had been left for dead. *** Of course it has to be THIS memory*** Joe thought to himself, still trying to push them back inside his head.\u00a0 They just kept on coming regardless.\u00a0 \u201cCochise —Cochise — oh God!\u201d\u00a0 Joe felt his ribs, they were broken.\u00a0 He wasn\u2019t sure if his leg was busted or just bruised bad.\u00a0 Reaching out his left hand, he could hardly move his fingers.\u00a0 Sucking in air Joe tried to roll over so he could get to his knees.\u00a0 He fell flat on his face in the dirt.\u00a0 He tasted ground, and his lips were matted with blood so that when he rolled back he brought the soil with him.\u00a0 How many people had either robbed or tried to kidnap him? *** Joe gave a sarcastic grin.\u00a0 Everyone wants to kill me — why don\u2019t they ever finish the job for God\u2019s sake? *** The sound was getting closer, Joe knew what was coming.\u00a0 He pursed his battered lips and tried to whistle.\u00a0 Nothing came out but dirt.\u00a0 It didn\u2019t matter, the pony was coming anyway!\u00a0 Joe spotted the silhouette of his horse.\u00a0 Cochise was casually walking towards her master, as if nothing was wrong. *** Danged horse! Don\u2019t you know I\u2019m about half dead? *** Then came the snort as the horse dropped her face down towards Joe.\u00a0 She was making a decision, since Joe was obviously out of his head.\u00a0 ***I told you to get help!\u00a0 What are you doing, Cochise? —-There she did it on her own!\u00a0 How many times did I try to teach her and her eyes just laughed at me? ***\u00a0 Cochise gave a warning whinny, lowered her head, and then folded her forelegs.\u00a0 She was kneeling!\u00a0 *** You did everything but call my name and say get on board. *** Joe remembered rolling onto the saddle.\u00a0 He could only hold onto the saddle horn with a few fingers on his right hand.\u00a0 Those few fingers were the only parts of his body that were working right.\u00a0 *** Good thing this horse has more brains than me! *** Then she stood up so gently, like in slow motion.\u00a0 How could an animal be so gentle and all knowing?\u00a0 **** I wonder how the hell she found me?\u00a0 They dragged me a good ten miles from the ranch.\u00a0 How did she find my trail when they threw me over one of their horses? *** Cochise\u00a0 snorted again and pawed at the ground.\u00a0 It was a warning that Joe needed to do what he could to hold on, because she wasn\u2019t stopping until she saw one of the other Cartwrights.\u00a0 Even if it meant prancing up to the front door of the ranch house and depositing her master there\u2026*** I never taught you anything.\u00a0 You taught ME!\u00a0 Get me home again, Cochise.\u00a0 I promise you I\u2019ll do the same for you one day.***<\/p>\n Joe stood and stared out his window again.\u00a0 The barn was dark.\u00a0 Now there was an empty stall. ***Just like you never existed *** Joe shook his head but refused to cry.\u00a0 *** And how did I repay you for all the things you did for me?\u00a0 I let them put a bullet through your head *** Joe turned and fell down on the bed. *** I will NOT cry for something that never existed.\u00a0 It was all a dream, a dream that lasted ten years.\u00a0 But now I\u2019m awake.\u00a0 God, I wish I could go back to sleep — back to you, Cochise. *** Joe closed his eyes.\u00a0 He would wait out the dawn.\u00a0 That\u2019s right, the dawn would come and he would do what he had to do.\u00a0 Joe heard footsteps out in the hall again.\u00a0 ***Sorry, Pa, you can\u2019t be any part of this one. ***\u00a0 He pulled up his blanket and waited to hear the sounds of morning.\u00a0 Then Joe would leave.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Ben paused outside of Little Joe\u2019s bedroom early the next morning.\u00a0 He knew he would have to do some serious negotiation to bring the young man down for breakfast.\u00a0 Taking a deep breath, he knocked on Joe\u2019s door.<\/p>\n \u201cCome in,\u201d\u00a0 Joe sang out.<\/p>\n \u201cJoseph, I was wondering if you\u2019d like some breakfast?\u00a0 You know I\u2019m not as good a cook as Hop Sing, but —\u201c\u00a0 Ben paused in mid statement as he noticed what his son was doing.\u00a0 Joe had a carpet bag out and he was packing.\u00a0 \u201cJoseph, what are you doing?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI need to get away for a few days, Pa,\u201d\u00a0 Joe answered, continuing with what he was doing.<\/p>\n \u201cSon — do you really think that\u2019s a good idea?\u00a0 You just got home yesterday,\u201d Ben\u2019s voice showed a strain in its tone.<\/p>\n \u201cYeah — well, it wasn\u2019t the homecoming I had hoped for,\u201d Joe retorted, sarcasm pouring out with his words.<\/p>\n \u201cAll the more reason to be around family now, Joseph,\u201d Ben returned softly and touched his son\u2019s shoulder.<\/p>\n \u201cPa — if you really want to help me,\u201d Joe paused, still not looking directly at his father, \u201cI do need a favor.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cBefore you ask for favors how about answering me about this leaving nonsense?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI have to get away.\u00a0 Now will you help me or not?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThat depends.\u00a0 How about some bargaining around here?\u201d\u00a0 Ben tried to sound as contrite as he could, but worry was growing just watching his son\u2019s staunch demeanor.\u00a0 \u201cWhy don\u2019t you take Hoss or Adam with you?\u00a0 For that matter, I could use a couple of days away from dishes with Hop Sing out of town!\u201d<\/p>\n Joe stopped his progress with his packing and stared at his father.\u00a0 It was such a cold and devoid stare that it almost broke Pa\u2019s heart.\u00a0 He looked nothing like the warm emotional young man who had run up the stairs the night before.\u00a0 Joe acted stinted, like he was looking and speaking to a stranger.\u00a0 \u201cI said I needed to be alone, Pa.\u00a0 Three or four days isn\u2019t a trip to Spain.\u201d<\/p>\n Ben sighed and shook his head in defeat.\u00a0 In his opinion the boy belonged home, end of story.\u00a0 But, with Joe\u2019s persistence, there really wasn\u2019t much he could do to dissuade him.<\/p>\n \u201cOkay, Son.\u00a0 Now what was that favor?\u201d\u00a0 Ben caved in.<\/p>\n \u201cI need a ride.\u00a0 It doesn\u2019t matter to me what kind, as long as it has four legs a head and a tail.\u00a0 And I\u2019d appreciate it if you could manage to bring my saddle and any bridle — but,\u201d Joe stopped before saying the word COCHISE, which had almost slipped out.<\/p>\n Pa had noticed the abrupt way his son had stopped speaking.\u00a0 He searched the boy\u2019s face for a glimmer of grief.\u00a0 Ben knew he could help Joe through that.\u00a0 But, he had to be willing to show it first.<\/p>\n \u201cJust the gear I\u2019ll need to ride the damn horse,\u201d Joe muttered and fastened his bag.<\/p>\n \u201cThere is a chestnut mare out in the front corral.\u00a0 I\u2019ll get her saddled and ready for you.\u00a0 Won\u2019t you please come down and eat something before you go?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cJust not hungry, Pa.\u00a0 Are Adam and Hoss down there?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNo, they left for south shore to move the herd to winter grass,\u201d Ben explained.<\/p>\n Joe closed his eyes and could still hear him telling Cochise she had to pull through so they could take the cattle to south shore.\u00a0 It had been something Joe routinely did with his horse each year.<\/p>\n Ben saw the change in Joe\u2019s countenance, and hoped in his heart that Joe might let loose.\u00a0 It would help and his father could be the shoulder that he would need to get through the grieving process.\u00a0 But, Joe regained his composure and lifted the bag to the floor.<\/p>\n \u201cWell, I\u2019d like you to tell them that I appreciate what they did for me last night.\u00a0 And you too, Pa.\u00a0 At least you got me home before —-\u201c Joe stopped once more, still finding it hard not to mention specifics regarding his horse, \u201canyway, thanks.\u201d<\/p>\n Ben nodded and walked to the door, his heart sinking in his chest.\u00a0 He paused before heading down the stairs to get a horse ready for his son.\u00a0 Stopping there in the doorway, Ben gave it one more try.\u00a0 \u201cJoseph, grief is handled better with those who care about you, not by running away.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cPa, I\u2019m not grieving, I just want to get away by myself.\u00a0 And, I\u2019d like to go as soon as possible,\u201d Joe defended his motives, and his tone came out with uncharacteristic harshness.<\/p>\n \u201cFine,\u201d Ben nodded, giving up the cause.\u00a0 \u201cSo I WILL expect you home by Sunday!\u201d<\/p>\n Joe didn\u2019t reply.\u00a0 He turned toward his window instead.\u00a0 He wasn\u2019t going to make any specific promises.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n A few minutes after eight a.m. Joe rode out of the yard with a chestnut mare as his mount.\u00a0 He hardly said anything further to his pa, which was rare coming from a young man who almost always turned to his father during times of crisis.\u00a0 Joe reasoned that the less Pa knew about his plans the better it would be for everyone.\u00a0 Heading to Virginia City would be the first stop.\u00a0 Joe needed money before he could do anything else.\u00a0 The plan in motion, he rode northward.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Ben tried to remain busy for two days, dealing with all the necessary tasks for securing the cattle in preparation for the upcoming winter.\u00a0 He handled the mountainous paperwork involved, and made ready the payroll for the end of the month.\u00a0 Still, his thoughts were never far from Joseph.\u00a0 And, for that matter, Hoss and Adam were worried as to where their brother had gone off to in his quest for privacy.\u00a0 Their father tried his best to put on a show of faith that Little Joe would be home, as he had alluded, by Sunday.\u00a0 However, as Saturday dawned with no word of Joe\u2019s whereabouts, Ben had given both Hoss and Adam his permission to go into town and find out what they could.<\/p>\n Hoss and Adam knew their little brother well, including his known hide-outs.\u00a0 They hoped the kid had taken a room at the International House, and maybe had stayed in town drowning his sorrow in one of the two saloons.\u00a0 That wasn\u2019t the case, and after hours of trying to follow leads, they decided they could use a drink themselves.\u00a0 It was in the Silver Dollar Saloon where they finally got their one and only piece of information.\u00a0 While sipping on their beers they spotted a teller who worked at the Virginia City Branch Bank.\u00a0 After inviting the man, Frank Simmons, to sit with them, he had casually mentioned seeing Little Joe on Thursday.\u00a0 He also said that he had withdrawn the money for Joe, and it was basically his whole deposited amount there at the bank.\u00a0 For some reason, that information forced both brothers to cut their conversation short and head home.\u00a0 Worried that their brother had done something desperate, like catching a stage for parts unknown, they decided that Pa should be informed at once.\u00a0 Even though there was no record of Joe having left from Virginia City, according to the Overland Stage manager, he could have taken a stagecoach from Carson City just as easily.<\/p>\n Ben listened intently to all the information that Hoss and Adam had provided about where they had gone and who they had spoken to in their search for their brother.\u00a0 But, they hadn\u2019t garnered much in their efforts; still no idea where Joe had gone.\u00a0 The withdrawal of money bothered the anxious father, though he didn\u2019t think Joseph would\u2019ve randomly taking a stage in his attempt to work things out in his mind.\u00a0 Of course Joe had a penchant for getting into trouble, sometimes getting over his head in a good poker game.\u00a0 And it was logical that he would\u2019ve needed the extra cash for that.\u00a0 But somehow that scenario didn\u2019t ring true now either.\u00a0 The boy had said that he wanted to be alone, and he wouldn\u2019t find solitude sitting around in a saloon in Carson City playing cards.\u00a0 Ben told both sons that he would think on it all, and tried to sound encouraging.\u00a0 He put on a brave front once again, and assured Hoss and Adam that Little Joe would be back the next day.\u00a0 Joseph had said three or four days, and it was just the end of the third day.\u00a0 Both brothers watched as their father climbed the stairs, deciding to turn in for the night.\u00a0 They knew their father all too well.\u00a0 Pa\u2019s slumped shoulders and furrowed brow revealed to them that he hadn\u2019t bought the lie he had just told them.\u00a0 Joe was in some kind of trouble, he felt it in his heart.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Joe\u2019s eyes slowly adjusted to the light peering through the clapboard walls of the line shack.\u00a0 Morning was apparently seeping into the place long before the young man wanted it to.\u00a0 He stiffly sat up on his bunk, blinking back the pain from his eyes.\u00a0 Joe rubbed at his temples as his head began pounding.\u00a0 *** Good whiskey *** He mused to himself in spite of the pain.\u00a0 Making it over to the table and sinking onto the hard-backed chair, Joe tried to gather his thoughts.\u00a0 He wasn\u2019t too sure what day it was or what had transpired the previous night.\u00a0 The last few days had been a blur, mainly due to his intoxication.\u00a0 That had been part of his plan of action; to drink as much as possible.\u00a0 He ate when he was hungry, which wasn\u2019t often.\u00a0 He drank when he wasn\u2019t thirsty; liquor being one of his old friends.\u00a0 Joe knew the last part of his two-staged plan was going to be a little rougher than opening a whiskey bottle.\u00a0 He stared over at the sack, old urges pulling at him to open it and open it soon.\u00a0 ***What the hell am I waiting for anyhow? *** Joe thought on the whole situation, trying to be clearheaded enough before doing what he felt he had to do.<\/p>\n Pacing the cabin floor Joe looked around.\u00a0 There it was, the one place where no-one would ever think to look for him; Oblivion.\u00a0 Joe laughed at the name of the cabin, though it really wasn\u2019t a laughing matter, nor would it have been to anyone else in the family.\u00a0 This was the same line shack where Joe had been held against his will earlier in the year.\u00a0 The same bunk where he had just slept, was the bunk where the two men had tied him down onto.\u00a0 Joe looked back towards the sack on the table.\u00a0 *** And so here we are again, Old Friends! *** He sighed and sat back down.\u00a0 \u201cThis time it\u2019s on MY terms!\u00a0 I make the decisions.\u201d\u00a0 Joe called aloud.\u00a0 There wasn\u2019t anyone within twenty miles, perhaps more, but there were still memories as well as unseen ghosts.\u00a0 ***Ghosts of injections past ***\u00a0 Joe laughed and decided a drink was needed to calm his nerves.\u00a0 He poured a double shot into the tin cup.\u00a0 The stale taste of the indulgence of the night before needed to be tended to, he reasoned.\u00a0 As Joe sipped at the rot gut he closed his eyes and remembered how smoothly his plan had gone thus far.\u00a0 First, he had gone into Virginia City for money.\u00a0 He did that and left, not wanting to be spotted by anyone who would later report back to his family.\u00a0 Joe had to keep all of them in the dark.\u00a0 And, Joe was now in a very dark place himself.\u00a0 Instead of dealing with his feelings for his horse, and the death of Cochise, the young man had decided to take away all of the pain.\u00a0 And there was one thing Joe knew of that could take away pain; and it was in that brown paper sack, which called out to him from across the room.\u00a0 That was where the money had come in handy.\u00a0 Joe knew that he had enough on him before he had left the Ponderosa to purchase the liquor and what little food he would need, but as for the drug, that was a different matter entirely.\u00a0 And, that had been why he had to empty his bank account in Virginia City.\u00a0 It had also meant he would have to journey to Genoa and seek out the seedier side of town.\u00a0 Joe knew of a doctor there who could be bought off easily.\u00a0 He had used this man before, though it had been through a third party.\u00a0 That person was his best friend, Mitch Devlin, the same friend who had moved away a few months prior.\u00a0 ***Good old Mitch!\u00a0 All it had taken was a few fake tears and you went and got me the bootlegged drug.\u00a0 Heck you even brought it to me out in the barn.\u00a0 Yeah, the same barn — *** Joe stopped his musings and took another long sip of his whiskey.\u00a0 Even the memory of his first bout with morphine had brought memories of the barn, and the stall where Cochise called home for ten years.\u00a0 He had planned everything so perfectly, and was sure that if he only had some morphine that the horse would be gone from his memory and his heart.\u00a0 Joe stood back up, this time wanting to address Pete and Travis, the men who had jabbed him with syringes containing morphine.\u00a0 \u201cI wonder how prison is going for you guys?\u00a0 Didn\u2019t think I would testify against you, did you?\u00a0 Yep, I got up on that stand and told everyone how you put me through that hell.\u00a0 You both have years to think about it,\u201d\u00a0 Joe paused again.\u00a0 He tried to rationalize what he was doing, replaying his motives over in his mind.\u00a0 Joe reminded himself that HE was in charge, HE was in control, and THIS time it was different.\u00a0 He deserved this, he was old enough and smart enough to decide his own fate.\u00a0 He planned to use just the right amount.\u00a0 After all, he was a professional when it came to the use of morphine.\u00a0 After just a few minutes he would slip into total euphoria; the place where happy dreams started and nightmares ended.<\/p>\n It had taken two days to get the drug and Joe had spent the sleepless nights in Genoa.\u00a0 The only room he could find was over a seedy saloon and the noise was non-stop.\u00a0 But, he had to wait for the danged doctor to sober up long enough to open his office and fill Joe\u2019s urgent request.\u00a0 He had paid the doctor well, as Joe knew he would be seeing the man again in the near future for a steady supply of his drug of choice.\u00a0 Then the long ride up to the far away cabin had cost him half of the previous day.\u00a0 If he\u2019d had Cochise Joe could\u2019ve made the trip a lot quicker than on the chestnut mare his father had provided him.\u00a0 Joe squeezed his eyes closed tightly.\u00a0 There was the thought of Cochise again!\u00a0 And to add to that pain there was the thought of his father as well.\u00a0 Pa was the LAST person on earth Joe wanted to see now.\u00a0 He had sent Joe off to that dreadful hospital in San Francisco to dry out from the morphine addiction the first go-round over a year ago.\u00a0 *** Good thing Pa will never find me up here *** Joe reasoned and walked outside.\u00a0 He needed to look after the mare out in the rope corral and he had to tend to a few other small chores before he could get to the main event.\u00a0 He could almost feel the medication already.\u00a0 Nothing else mattered, as far as Joe was concerned.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Joe sat at the table inside the cabin known as Oblivion.\u00a0 He forced down a small piece of stale bread, and just a bite of beef jerky.\u00a0 Hunger was not an issue, but he needed to sober up at least a tad, to pull it all together mentally.\u00a0 Joe, from past experience, knew he\u2019d have to measure out his dosage exactly.\u00a0 Even though he wanted to be out of the pain of spirit and body, he didn\u2019t want to overdose on the deadly drug.\u00a0 Swallowing a mouthful of water, Joe opened the brown paper sack.\u00a0 He laughed to himself, remembering how the doctor had placed the liquid morphine and a few syringes inside the bag.\u00a0 It was a joke that the man had given it to Joe illegally but had packed it in a way that anyone passing by the man\u2019s office would know what was inside!\u00a0 After all, he wasn\u2019t the type of doctor anyone would\u2019ve chosen to go to if they were really sick.\u00a0 He kept his medical license, but only because he knew the right people.\u00a0 The man made most of his money by the selling of addictive substances, something everyone in Genoa knew.<\/p>\n Joe shook himself from his thoughts and withdrew one of the syringes from the bag along with the morphine.\u00a0 Eyeing the markings on the syringe, he tilted the vial upside down.\u00a0 It all came back to Joe, just as though he had never given up the drug.\u00a0 Preparing the syringe had come as natural to him as breathing.\u00a0 Slowly the morphine rose inside the syringe.\u00a0 When Joe felt he had a sufficient amount drawn up, he righted the glass vial and set it down on the table.\u00a0 Next he tapped the needle a few times.\u00a0 *** Gotta get rid of those pesky air bubbles or it will be lights out forever *** Joe mused.\u00a0 He made a mental note about the chance of getting a good dose of air and not morphine and how it could kill someone, as he had listened to Doctor Martin talking to his father when they had first begun to use the drug on him.\u00a0 *** Another time, another injury *** Joe smirked.\u00a0 He didn\u2019t want to think about either man, especially Pa!\u00a0 Joe shrugged the memories away again, and set the filled syringe on a cloth on the table. \u00a0He rolled up the sleeve to his right arm.\u00a0 Being left handed made it all a bit awkward, but he had done it so many times that he wasn\u2019t worried in the least.\u00a0 A rush of adrenalin coursed through his body as he contemplated how he would soon be feeling.\u00a0 He couldn\u2019t wait to be in blissful surrender, it wouldn\u2019t take long.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Ben ran thoughts of all that Joseph had said to him the day he had left for places unknown.\u00a0 Something deep down reminded Ben of another time when his son had pretended to just need some space instead of telling the truth about why he was leaving home.\u00a0 And as his horse, Buck, carried Ben further up into the deep woods he wondered if it could be possible that Joseph had intentionally planned on hiding out from everyone for an extended period of time.\u00a0 Pa knew his son, or liked to think he did.\u00a0 But, as he got older Joe had become harder to read at times.\u00a0 He missed the young boy who always wore his heart on his sleeve and trusted his father enough to tell him the painful truth, no matter how bad it was.\u00a0 \u00a0\u00a0Ben also missed Cochise, especially now with his son missing.\u00a0 The pinto would\u2019ve let them all know if Joe had been injured or had some kind of mishap.\u00a0 But, she was gone and her master would not admit to anyone how he really felt.\u00a0 Ben believed that to be the crux of the issue, though there was something way underneath it all that the worried father still hadn\u2019t been able to piece together.\u00a0 He only hoped that his trip would not be a waste of time.\u00a0 It was almost sunset and his destination lay just over the next rise up ahead; Oblivion.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Joe heard the noise of a rider as it approached the cabin.\u00a0 He figured that it had to be some passing stranger who had gotten off the marked road by accident.\u00a0 ***I\u2019ll just send him on his merry way — I don\u2019t need no company!\u00a0 I have the whole night to lay here and enjoy myself *** Joe thought to himself and walked to the door.\u00a0 He reached for his Colt pistol, just in case the stranger didn\u2019t get the message he was about to give him.<\/p>\n Ben dismounted and walked towards the front porch where Joe stood.\u00a0 The boy was quite obviously surprised, as he hadn\u2019t said a word and his mouth hung open.<\/p>\n \u201cIt\u2019s the fourth day,\u201d Ben began, trying not to sound as irritated as he felt.<\/p>\n \u201cPa, — what are you doing here?\u00a0 How did you find me?\u201d\u00a0 Joe stammered.\u00a0 His mind was working as fast as it could, wondering how he could keep his father out of the line shack.<\/p>\n Ben stepped up onto the porch and moved next to his son.\u00a0 He put his hands on his hips and replied, \u201cI asked myself where was the last place on earth that you\u2019d ever go — then I went there.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cOh,\u201d Joe replied, the wheels in his brain still turning as he tried to figure out a way to prevent his father’s entrance into the cabin.\u00a0 \u201cI told you I needed some time, Pa.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWell, you\u2019ve just run out of it.\u00a0 Now is there some reason why you\u2019re leaving your father standing out here?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cJust give me a couple more days, Pa —- that\u2019s all I\u2019m asking,\u201d Joe grasped for anything he could use to dissuade his father from venturing inside.<\/p>\n \u201cNo!\u00a0 Now let\u2019s go inside and have this out.\u00a0 I\u2019m tired and I\u2019m irritated,\u201d Ben paused and pushed past his son and entered the cabin.\u00a0 \u201cAnd I — \u201c Ben stopped as his eyes caught a glimpse at the table and what was laying there on\u00a0 it.\u00a0 He saw a syringe and a glass vial.\u00a0 Whipping his head around to face Joe, who had entered inside behind his father, he pointed towards both objects.\u00a0 \u201cWhat is that?!\u201d\u00a0 Ben yelled knowing, from past experience, exactly what he was seeing there before him.<\/p>\n Joe walked the long way around the table to get out of his father\u2019s reach.\u00a0 The move didn\u2019t pay off as Ben grabbed his elbow as he passed by.\u00a0 He couldn\u2019t help noticing that Joe\u2019s right shirt sleeve was rolled up just above his elbow.\u00a0 \u201cYou didn\u2019t!\u201d\u00a0 Ben shouted, taking his son\u2019s right arm and pulling it roughly towards him.<\/p>\n Joe pulled back equally hard, his temper mounting.\u00a0 \u201cJust go away, Pa!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cAre you out of your head?\u201d Ben asked, his face red with anger.<\/p>\n \u201cNot yet,\u201d\u00a0 Joe muttered, sarcasm coming out just loud enough for his father to hear.<\/p>\n \u201cDid you — did you do it?\u00a0\u00a0 Did you do it yet?\u201d Pa\u2019s dread played out in his questions.<\/p>\n Joe planted himself down in the chair hard, placing his pistol off to the side.\u00a0 He hadn\u2019t had the chance to use the drug, and wished now that he had been a little quicker in getting to it.\u00a0 The big fatherly inquisition was about to start, and by the look on Pa\u2019s face, it was going to be one for the ages.<\/p>\n \u201cAnswer me!\u201d\u00a0 Ben demanded, walking around to where he could get a better look at his son\u2019s arm.<\/p>\n \u201cNo — not yet.\u00a0 But, if you\u2019ll give me a little privacy —\u201c\u00a0 Joe began, the latent effects of all of his drinking wasn\u2019t helping his disposition.\u00a0 He would only stare straight at the morphine on the table and refused to look at his pa.<\/p>\n \u201cDo I have to remind you about Travis and Pete and all of the suffering you endured at their hands?\u00a0 Do I have to remind you how much our whole family has gone through due to your addiction?\u201d\u00a0 Ben questioned, but had yet to lower the tone of his voice.<\/p>\n Joe reached over to his whiskey bottle and poured a quick drink.\u00a0 He knew he had to answer his father but he didn\u2019t dare say it yet.\u00a0 He needed some relief in advance.\u00a0 Joe shot the liquid down his throat before his father could try and stop him.<\/p>\n \u201cAnswer me!\u201d\u00a0 Ben shouted, pulling the bottle away from Joe\u2019s reach.<\/p>\n \u201cNo!\u00a0 No, I haven\u2019t forgotten, Pa!\u201d\u00a0 Joe yelled.\u00a0 It was a clear sign to his father that Joseph was not in his right mind or he would never have used that tone with him.\u00a0 \u201cI also haven\u2019t forgotten that you and Doc caused my first bout with morphine addiction!\u201d\u00a0 Joe spat back, hoping to injure his father because he had dared to interfere with his plans for the evening.<\/p>\n Ben felt frozen in time.\u00a0 He tried to remember why he had gone to find his son.\u00a0 It hadn\u2019t been to get into a fight with him, it was to try and help him.\u00a0 But, as he stared at the syringe on the table he could see that it had already been drawn up.\u00a0 His heart was in his throat when he realized he could have arrived too late.\u00a0 Joe had been so close to spiraling down the deep well of addiction and it\u2019s after effects. He knew he had to figure out a way to help the boy.\u00a0 Ben stared at the blank expression on his son\u2019s face.\u00a0 He could tell that his youngest hadn\u2019t been eating well.\u00a0 Joseph appeared so thin and pale.\u00a0 Ben could also tell that Joe had been drowning whatever feelings he had in liquor, so he decided to let his outburst go without repercussions, at least for now.\u00a0 Weighing everything in his mind, Ben knew he\u2019d have to handle the whole ball of wax at the same time.\u00a0 Maybe they were tied together? Ben pondered for a few moments.\u00a0 Joe lost Cochise, so he simply decided to inject himself with morphine. *** No — that\u2019s too stupid to even suggest.\u00a0 Yes, he\u2019s trying to dull himself with alcohol, but to get hooked on that damned medicine again?\u00a0 It didn\u2019t make the least bit of sense.\u00a0 He had concluded that Joe had fired the last round of insults his father\u2019s way to challenge the fact that it had, indeed, been both Doctor Martin and Ben who had given Joe the medicine when he had first been injured.\u00a0 But, how did that equate to going up to Oblivion where Joseph had been so horribly treated earlier the following year? — *** Ben wondered internally.<\/p>\n Ben was losing time, and foremost he was afraid he was losing his son.\u00a0 He knew that he had to come up with the proper approach to handle this problem.\u00a0 Ben decided that now was not a time for gentleness or a strong shoulder to lean on.\u00a0 If he offered that to Joe, and gave in to the compassion and love he felt for the boy, he might never be able to truly get him to give up on his self-destructive path.\u00a0 Somehow he had to shock Joseph into stark reality.\u00a0 He had to break down the wall that Joe had put up between himself and the rest of the world.\u00a0 Ben, though he internally ached to see Joe in such obvious distress, had to handle the situation from here on out with firmness.\u00a0 The anxious father was absolutely sure that Joseph needed to understand and accept the proper emotion that he needed to be dealing with; undeniable grief.<\/p>\n \u201cJoseph,\u201d Ben continued, firm of stature, but a bit softer in tone, \u201cyou know that we did that to save your life.\u00a0 It was either that, or watch you die from those burns.\u00a0 But, you fought your way back — or have you forgotten that hospital in San Francisco?\u201d<\/p>\n Joe laughed, \u201csure, Pa!\u00a0 Like I would forget being tied down in restraints.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cMy point exactly,\u201d Ben countered.\u00a0 \u201cYou were lucky after what Travis and Pete did to you this year that you were able to fight it off at home and didn\u2019t end up back at the hospital again.\u00a0 So, why would you even think about coming here?\u00a0 Why would you even think about sticking yourself with that poison again?\u201d<\/p>\n Joe shook his head and frowned.\u00a0 \u201cYou just don\u2019t get it.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI know I don\u2019t!\u201d\u00a0 Ben replied loudly.\u00a0 \u201cThat\u2019s why I\u2019m asking.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWell, I came here to take the morphine because I figured no-one would find me.\u00a0 And, I didn\u2019t plan on going through withdrawal again anyhow.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhat were you going to do?\u00a0 Were you going to just kill yourself?\u00a0 That\u2019s why we prosecuted those two men, you know?\u00a0 They almost killed you with that stuff!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI know how much to take, they didn\u2019t know how much to give me.\u00a0 Big difference there, Pa!\u00a0 I mean, just like I said up on that witness stand, I AM a morphine addict you know?\u00a0 And, there\u2019s not one single day that goes by that I don\u2019t WANT that drug, that I don\u2019t NEED that drug.\u00a0 So, I\u2019m gonna stop fighting it and use the stuff.\u00a0 I know how much to use, trust me,\u201d Joe spouted out, defiance written all over his face.<\/p>\n \u201cOkay,\u201d Ben paused and stared at his son hard, \u201cso you\u2019re going to kill yourself slowly?\u00a0 Well, if I have to lose my son, — because he\u2019s out of his head due to his addiction — I\u2019d just as soon lose him fast.\u00a0 So why don\u2019t you do me the great favor of getting it over with already.\u00a0 Why delay the inevitable?\u00a0 Go on!\u201d<\/p>\n Joe was shocked to hear the words leaving his father\u2019s mouth.\u00a0 Yes, he was intoxicated, but he knew what he\u2019d heard Pa say.\u00a0 Those were words he never ever thought he\u2019d hear from him; that was for sure!\u00a0 Pa was supposed to talk him down from a wall, not push him over it.\u00a0 \u201cDon\u2019t rush me.\u00a0 I\u2019ll get to it shortly,\u201d Joe shot back, after regaining his composure and sarcasm.<\/p>\n \u201cThat\u2019s it!\u201d\u00a0 Ben shouted and stood up.\u00a0 \u201cI think you are all show.\u00a0 Not that I don\u2019t think you wouldn\u2019t have injected that stuff into you — just that you\u2019re not being honest as to the why of it.\u00a0 Now tell me WHY!\u00a0 And don\u2019t you dare give me that lame excuse of being a morphine addict.\u00a0 Because, thus far, you\u2019ve blamed the original cause of the addiction on Doc Martin and me.\u00a0 Okay, I\u2019ll accept that, and I make no apology for it.\u00a0 And, then there\u2019s the second go-round, well that one is on Travis and Pete, right?\u00a0 Now, what about THIS time, Joseph?\u00a0 THIS time who are you going to hold responsible for your fall into the addiction — Cochise?\u201d<\/p>\n Joe stood up and faced his father.\u00a0 He wouldn\u2019t be looked down at, not now.\u00a0 He was getting mad; VERY MAD.\u00a0 \u201cLeave Cochise out of this!\u00a0 I\u2019m responsible this time, I\u2019m not blaming anyone else.\u00a0 And, I\u2019m doing it to get out of pain!\u00a0 Now just how hard is that for you to understand?!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cJoseph, pain is a part of life — just like love, joy and hope.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYou forgot anger, Pa!\u201d Joe shot back, annoyed to be hearing the same old lecture.<\/p>\n \u201cYou haven\u2019t SEEN anger yet, Joseph,\u201d Ben warned in his tone that he had been pushed to the brink by the boy\u2019s disrespectful replies.\u00a0 Though, in all honesty, it had been Joe\u2019s father who had purposely lit that explosive himself.<\/p>\n \u201cYou wanted the truth,\u201d Joe volleyed back.<\/p>\n \u201cYou don\u2019t have anger, Son, and you don\u2019t have pain either.\u00a0 You have grief,\u201d Ben countered, and forced his gaze on the boy.<\/p>\n \u201cNo I don\u2019t!\u201d\u00a0 Joe insisted.<\/p>\n \u201cI suppose you think I don\u2019t know anything about grief?\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Joe sank down in the chair.\u00a0 He could see the whiskey bottle which Pa had moved out of his reach.\u00a0 He sure wished he had more now.\u00a0 Better still, he craved what stared back at him on the table; the vial full of morphine.\u00a0 ***If only Pa hadn\u2019t shown up *** Joe thought.\u00a0 Finally, regrouping a bit, he answered his father.\u00a0 \u201cYeah, Pa — if anyone knows grief it\u2019s YOU!\u00a0 You are like the Job of all grief!\u201d<\/p>\n Ben held up his right hand and signaled with his thumb and forefinger a measure the size of an inch.\u00a0 He called back to his son sharply, \u201cYoung Man, you are THIS close!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhat did I do?\u00a0 I just stated fact,\u201d Joe complained.\u00a0 He didn\u2019t like to be threatened like a little kid.<\/p>\n \u201cExplain yourself, and you\u2019d better do it pretty fast.\u00a0 Because if you weren\u2019t twenty-two I would have already made sure you could no longer sit down.\u201d<\/p>\n Joe crossed his arms over his chest, holding back his anger.\u00a0 But, he didn\u2019t want to push his luck with his father either, so he responded carefully.\u00a0 \u201cPa — all\u2019s I was saying was that you\u2019ve had about as much grief as Job.\u00a0 Now why is that a cause to threaten me?\u201d<\/p>\n Ben groaned loudly and sat back down.\u00a0 The kid was wearing him out.\u00a0 He had gone round and round with Joe, from the reason for being up at the line-shack to the morphine, and now they were arguing over the term grief.\u00a0 He wasn\u2019t sure how long he could last, and was tempted to partake in Joe\u2019s whiskey.\u00a0 Ben shook himself from his thoughts.<\/p>\n \u201cOkay, then we\u2019re on somewhat the same page about grief.\u00a0 I\u2019ve had it and you don\u2019t.\u00a0 Your horse, who was your best friend, died.\u00a0 You are only full of pain.\u00a0 You want to take that drug which could kill you and all just to take away that pain.\u00a0 And, evidently, you think your father is stupid enough to let you do that.\u00a0 Now are we together on all this?\u201d<\/p>\n Joe sighed.\u00a0 Pa was wearing him down too.\u00a0 He had the blissful expectation of being drugged out on morphine by then, instead of going another round with his father, who was in fact, getting too close for comfort.<\/p>\n \u201cYeah, you\u2019ve got it right,\u201d Joe whispered.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019ve ALMOST got it right,\u201d Ben corrected.\u00a0 \u201cIf you will tell me truthfully why you don\u2019t feel grief over Cochise — well — at least I\u2019ll drop that topic.\u201d<\/p>\n Joe stood and started to pace.\u00a0 He figured he might just as well say it.\u00a0 \u201cPa?\u00a0 Why do you go up to my mother\u2019s grave?\u00a0 I mean — is she there?\u00a0 Or is she in heaven?\u201d\u00a0 Joe asked, this time seriously.<\/p>\n Ben faced off with his son again.\u00a0 \u201cI go there to remember her.\u00a0 No, I don\u2019t think she\u2019s there.\u00a0 I know she\u2019s in heaven — isn\u2019t that what YOU believe too?\u201d<\/p>\n Joe looked down at the cabin floor and tried to hold back what was buried in his gut.\u00a0 Even he didn\u2019t totally understand what was ultimately bothering him.\u00a0 He had an idea, but no way to really explain it other than in the terms he had chosen.\u00a0 \u201cYeah — she\u2019s in heaven — and if you\u2019re very good — which YOU naturally ARE, you\u2019ll get to see her when you die.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYou say that like you don\u2019t mean it.\u00a0 Do you or don\u2019t you?\u201d Ben stared so strangely at his son.\u00a0 It had never dawned on him that the boy felt that way, and worst of all, that he believed that way.\u00a0 This had been the key all along, and Ben cursed himself internally that he hadn\u2019t picked up on it sooner.\u00a0 He could have spared them both a lot of heartache.<\/p>\n \u201cOh,\u201d Ben finally spoke out, with much less volume in his voice, \u201cnow I understand.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cGood,\u201d Joe responded, not asking his father what he had meant.\u00a0 \u201cNow can I have my whiskey back?\u201d<\/p>\n Ben shook his head, \u201cyou don\u2019t need whiskey, Joseph.\u00a0 And you certainly don\u2019t need that!\u201d\u00a0 Pa pointed toward the syringe and the morphine.\u00a0 \u201cWhat you need is something that I just happen to have out in my saddle bags.\u201d\u00a0 He tucked the whiskey bottle underneath his left arm.\u00a0 It was then that he noticed Joe had an intense fixed gaze on the filled syringe, which sat on the table just off to the boy\u2019s right.\u00a0 \u201cI want you to hand me that —- all of it,\u201d Ben indicated with his stare the syringe along with the vial of morphine and whatever else was in the brown paper sack.<\/p>\n Dead silence fell over the cabin as the battle of wills went on.\u00a0 Joseph fought with his hunger for the morphine and what it could do for him.\u00a0 While Ben fought to allow his son to willingly hand it over to him.\u00a0 Beads of perspiration dotted Joe\u2019s forehead and spread downward from his face, neck and to his chest.\u00a0 The signs were all there, just as Doctor Peele had warned Ben earlier in the year.\u00a0 There was always a chance that Joe\u2019s fight to stay off the medication could just as easily turn into a full- fledged relapse.\u00a0 The worried father held his breath, knowing he had to let his son hand the drug to him.\u00a0 Joe\u2019s left hand trembled as he picked the syringe up from the table.\u00a0 Old familiar urges were starting to take over, and Joe closed his eyes.\u00a0 He didn\u2019t want to surrender to his father\u2019s request.\u00a0 There was still the overwhelming desire to finish with the plan that had begun the night that Cochise had been put down.\u00a0 He still needed the pain to go away.<\/p>\n \u201cJoseph?\u201d Ben called out again.<\/p>\n \u201cWhy don\u2019t you just take it?\u201d Joe fired back angrily.<\/p>\n \u201cNo, Son, you have to hand it to me.\u00a0 I\u2019ll take it from there,\u201d Ben insisted, staring directly into Joe’s eyes.<\/p>\n Joe bit at his bottom lip and then eyed the syringe again.\u00a0 He fought with himself again, but finally put it inside the sack along with the vial of morphine.\u00a0 He internally told himself that he could always head back to Genoa if he wanted to, but tonight he would have to turn this stash over to his father.\u00a0 His hands still shaking, he reached over to\u00a0 Pa relinquishing the whole bag, and everything that had been on the table.<\/p>\n Ben breathed a sigh of relief for the first time since he had first entered the cabin earlier.\u00a0 It was only a small victory, but it was a step in the right direction he presumed.\u00a0 At least there hadn\u2019t been a big fight with his son over handing the morphine to him.\u00a0 But, he knew that unless he could straighten the boy\u2019s attitude out, that there were always other ways for him to get a hold of the drug again. *** One step at a time, Ben *** he told himself.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019ll be right back,\u201d Ben paused briefly and called over to his son, \u201cthe next sound you hear will be the sound of breaking glass.\u00a0 Better brace yourself!\u201d<\/p>\n Joe watched as his father pulled open the cabin door and stepped onto the porch.\u00a0 He was sure that no matter what Pa had alluded to, that nothing that he had out there in his saddle bags would be better for him than the drug he had just walked out of the door with.\u00a0 Soon he heard the smashing of glass coming from outside somewhere.\u00a0 Joe sighed.\u00a0 Obviously, according to all of the racket, Pa was taking great pleasure in destroying all the contents of the sack, along with the whiskey too.\u00a0 Taking in a deep unsettled breath, Joe readied for what was sure to be one heck of a round two with his father.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Ben made several trips from his horse and back to the line-shack.\u00a0 There were quite a few things he needed to tend to.\u00a0 Most importantly was smashing to bits the contents of the paper sack and whiskey bottle.\u00a0 While accomplishing those tasks, he also wanted to get everything lined up in his mind; like what he would say to his son to get him to understand.\u00a0 After he had secured Buck in the rope corral, and fed and watered the horse, he made sure that Joe had done the same with the chestnut mare.\u00a0 Satisfied that his son had at least tended to those minor chores, though obviously inebriated at the time he did them, Ben made the trip indoors.\u00a0 Joe\u2019s eyes had been focused on his father as he made his way in and out of the cabin.\u00a0 He never stood up to try and help Pa, but was growing curious about all he was doing.\u00a0 He watched as his father stowed his gear over on one of the two bunks.\u00a0 Pa had also brought two canteens inside and poured some water from one of them into an old coffee pot, which he had rinsed out beforehand.\u00a0 ***Coffee!\u00a0 I had a whole bottle of whiskey and he\u2019s interested in coffee! *** Joe thought to himself.\u00a0 He was still angry, and felt that he had every right to be.\u00a0 *** Just my luck he goes and finds me tonight of all nights.\u00a0 If he hadn\u2019t come I\u2019d be feeling pretty good about now.\u00a0 Then, on top of smashing the rot-gut, he goes and smashes the entire vial of morphine!\u00a0 He owes me over a hundred dollars — *** Joe continued, but then shook himself from his thoughts as his father stopped dead in his tracks right in front of where he sat at the table.\u00a0 Evidently, unbeknownst to the young man, he had not mused his anger in silence.\u00a0\u00a0 But rather, he had muttered what had been rummaging through his brain.\u00a0 Ben shot his son a stern warning look, and then walked outside one more time.<\/p>\n \u201cGreat!\u00a0 Now Pa can read minds,\u201d Joe said aloud, though this time taking the precaution of looking around to make sure his father was gone from ear-shot.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Ben arrived back inside the cabin and closed the door behind him.\u00a0 He was finally done with all of his chores, and had also come up with a plan of action.\u00a0 Joe stared over at the man.\u00a0 Pa was carrying a good sized stick, about a yard in length.<\/p>\n \u201cStand up!\u201d Ben called over to his son, who was still seated at the table.\u00a0 His voice wasn\u2019t as loud as it had been earlier, but it had a definite stern inflection to it.<\/p>\n \u201cHuh?\u201d Joe replied, a bit shaken up.\u00a0 He couldn\u2019t remember the parts he had muttered loud enough for his father to hear them.\u00a0 In fact, he couldn\u2019t even remember whether he had cursed during his internal tirade over the loss of his supplies.\u00a0 Joe only knew that his father now stood less than a few feet from the table and his countenance was not a happy one.\u00a0 Worse still was that the man was telling him to stand up while holding that stick.\u00a0 ***Maybe I HAVE had enough liquor?\u00a0 Even if I don\u2019t remember what I said a little while ago, it\u2019s for sure that Pa does— *** Joe thought, this time internally.<\/p>\n \u201cDid you hear me, Joseph?\u201d Ben asked and moved closer towards the table.<\/p>\n Joe stood.\u00a0 He didn\u2019t know what was going on, and wasn\u2019t about to ask any questions.\u00a0 He decided his father was probably upset that he hadn\u2019t made any attempt to help him with any of his many trips outside.\u00a0 But, Joe was just inebriated enough, and just arrogant enough to stand before his father without offering an apology.<\/p>\n \u201cBreak this into kindling for me,\u201d Ben said, and handed the stick to his son.\u00a0 He watched as a flicker of relief passed across Joe\u2019s eyes.\u00a0 It had been the only time that day that Pa had been amused.\u00a0 Ben had seen the look on Joseph\u2019s face when he had walked into the cabin carrying the stick.\u00a0 It had been priceless to watch the boy\u2019s appearance rise from defiance and fall to deep concern in just one quick glance.<\/p>\n Joe didn\u2019t know why they needed a dang fire, coffee, or talk for that matter.\u00a0 He just wanted to go to sleep now that there was nothing else left to take his pain away inside the cabin.\u00a0 But, if Pa asked him to break that stick up, it was fine with him!\u00a0 He wasn\u2019t all that sure what his father would\u2019ve done if he had refused the order.\u00a0 Joe broke the stick into pieces and tossed them into the wood burning stove which stood in the middle of the line-shack.\u00a0 He had forgotten to get it ready when he did his other chores, because he planned to be in a different state of mind by the time night fell.\u00a0 Now things were oh so different!\u00a0 No drug, no whiskey, and no privacy.\u00a0 And, the way Pa was getting everything ready, it was apparent that he was setting the stage for a long night of talking.\u00a0 Joe cringed at the idea.\u00a0 If he could\u2019ve found some excuse to go outside, he would have escaped.\u00a0 But, Pa was watching his every movement.\u00a0 Besides that, he knew that his father had used the stick routine to see just how much authority he still held over his son.\u00a0 When Joe ended up backing down, it was obvious that Pa was still very much in charge.<\/p>\n Joe moved to one side as Ben brought the flames up in the stove.\u00a0 His father placed two tin cups on the table and sat down once more.<\/p>\n \u201cYou might just as well come over here, Joseph.\u00a0 It\u2019s going to take awhile before the stove is hot enough to get that coffee going.\u201d<\/p>\n Joe turned back towards the table and his father, not interested in coffee, and furthermore not interested in any discussion.\u00a0 \u201cI guess I\u2019ll just turn in.\u00a0 I didn\u2019t want coffee anyhow.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cSit!\u201d Ben commanded, and pointed at the chair opposite him.<\/p>\n Joe let out an aggravated sigh.\u00a0 But, reasoning that he wouldn\u2019t get Pa to let up on him until he\u2019d had his say, reluctantly did as he had been instructed.<\/p>\n Ben drew out a book from one side of his saddle bags and placed it in front of him on the table.\u00a0 Even though it was upside down from where he sat, Joe could read the title.<\/p>\n \u201cThe Bible?\u00a0 Geesh, Pa —what do you do — travel the countryside with that thing?\u201d<\/p>\n Ben cleared his throat and fired a warning across the table with his gaze.\u00a0 \u201cFor your information, Young Man, NO I don\u2019t generally travel these roads with my Bible.\u00a0 However, it is Sunday!\u00a0 I HAD planned on going to church today.\u00a0 Of course that was before my wayward son decided to run off and not return as he promised he would.\u00a0 But, here it is, and it\u2019s by Divine Intervention I guess.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cC\u2019mon, Pa — you\u2019re not gonna read the Bible to me, are you?\u201d Joe complained.\u00a0 If he didn\u2019t want to hear his father\u2019s opinion, he certainly didn\u2019t want to hear God\u2019s opinion either.<\/p>\n \u201cNo, you\u2019re going to read it to me,\u201d Ben replied, thumbing through the Old Testament, trying to get to the right spot.<\/p>\n \u201cRead?\u00a0 Heck I can\u2019t half see!\u201d Joe protested, standing abruptly.\u00a0 \u201cAnd I\u2019m starting to get a hangover already.\u201d<\/p>\n Ben didn\u2019t look up from his progression through the books of the Bible as he responded, \u201cone more complaint and I\u2019ll find another stick that won\u2019t be used for kindling!\u00a0 You are THIS CLOSE now, Young Man,\u201d Pa moved together his forefinger and thumb from where they formerly had been hours earlier at about one inch, down to about a half of an inch.\u00a0 It was a strong indication that his son\u2019s disobedience was wearing thin, as were Ben\u2019s nerves.<\/p>\n Joe sat down promptly.\u00a0 He was no longer able to discern if his father\u2019s threats were simply ploys to garner his compliance, or if they were in fact genuine.\u00a0 He decided to keep his mouth shut.\u00a0 But he made a silent vow that in the morning he would somehow give his father the slip and head back to Genoa.\u00a0 And he would be sure to choose a better hideaway next time.<\/p>\n Ben found the passage he had been looking for, one that he hoped would have the biggest impact on his son.\u00a0 Keeping the place with his finger, he turned the Bible around to face Joseph.\u00a0 \u201cRead this, starting with — for that which,\u201d Ben pointed across the table.<\/p>\n Joe sighed, there was no getting out of it now.\u00a0 He stared through bloodshot eyes at the print.\u00a0 \u201cHow much do I have to read?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cJust verse nineteen.\u00a0 Now go ahead.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cFor that which befalleth the sons of men befalleth beasts; even one thing befalleth them:\u00a0 as the one dieth, so dieth the other; yea, they have all one breath; so that a man hath no preeminence above a beast:\u00a0 for all is vanity,\u201d Joe stopped and stared over at his father.\u00a0 \u201cIf this was somehow meant to cheer me up — well — it sure didn\u2019t.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cLook here, Son,\u201d Ben replied gently, as he pointed at the words one and breath.\u00a0 \u201cYou have to learn the meaning of this part to get to a full understanding of it.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cOne breath?\u00a0 Something has breath, so it\u2019s alive.\u00a0 No big meaningful thought,\u201d Joe argued.<\/p>\n \u201cI had the good fortune of studying the Bible rather thoroughly, especially the Old Testament, in my sailing days.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cDidn\u2019t it get wet?\u201d\u00a0 Joe retorted.\u00a0\u00a0 He couldn\u2019t help it.\u00a0 He didn\u2019t see his father as a minister, and couldn\u2019t understand what the big deal was anyway.<\/p>\n Ben sighed and shook his head.\u00a0 That boy of his never made anything easy!\u00a0 \u201cNo, I didn\u2019t study as I was at the helm, Joseph.\u00a0 I didn\u2019t command every single ship you know?\u00a0 Let\u2019s get back at this!\u00a0 Now, as I was saying, I met several ministers and even a rabbi during my travels.\u00a0 The young rabbi and I worked on Ecclesiastes one whole voyage.\u00a0 Whenever I had a little spare time he would show me what the words meant in their original language.\u00a0 So, in Hebrew the word breath in that verse means spirit.\u00a0 Now try reading that to yourself and substitute the word breath with spirit.\u201d<\/p>\n Joe did what Pa had instructed.\u00a0 Not that he was buying any of his statements, but he figured if he appeased his father that maybe the night would pass by quicker.\u00a0 Slowly he reread the nineteenth verse of chapter three in Ecclesiastes.\u00a0 Something finally struck a nerve and he looked up, puzzlement framing his face.\u00a0 \u201cWait — are you saying that this is talking about people and animals?\u201d Joe asked quietly.<\/p>\n Ben nodded, \u201cabsolutely it is.\u00a0 Now do you know what preeminence means?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNo, that one is too big for me.\u201d<\/p>\n Ben smiled, for the first time that evening.\u00a0 He felt like he was about to make a breakthrough.\u00a0 Or, rather, that God was getting through to his son.\u00a0 \u201cWell, if it\u2019s saying there that man doesn\u2019t have preeminence over a beast,that means that he is not really all that much better than a beast.\u00a0 Not that much more superior to a beast would probably be about the most accurate.\u00a0 And they both have a spirit, or are of one breath, as it says.\u201d<\/p>\n Joe frowned and looked suspiciously up at his father.\u00a0 \u201cYou\u2019re not trying to weave some kind of a fairytale here, are you, Pa?\u00a0 You know — like there\u2019s a horse heaven, there\u2019s a people heaven?\u00a0 Is that what you\u2019re doing?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m telling you the truth, Son.\u00a0 And, as far as how heaven is set up, well, I do know that God has made a covenant with all of His creatures.\u00a0 This isn\u2019t the only place in the Bible where it speaks of animals, you know?\u00a0 In Proverbs it says that a righteous man regardeth the life of his beast.\u00a0 There are numerous places in the Bible where it speaks of how God feels about His creatures both great and small.\u00a0 I could show you places that reference His love for animals in Isaiah, Hosea, even in the New Testament,\u201d Ben explained.<\/p>\n \u201cPa, are you saying this, or do you REALLY believe it?\u201d<\/p>\n Ben reached across the table and pulled the Bible back to him.\u00a0 \u201cI said it AND I believe it.\u00a0 But, I knew it wouldn\u2019t be as easy as one verse with you.\u00a0 But, that\u2019s fine, I want YOU to KNOW it.\u00a0 You don\u2019t need to take my word for it.\u00a0 These words aren\u2019t mine, they are God\u2019s.\u201d<\/p>\n Ben moved to the book of Isaiah chapter eleven, verse six.\u00a0 He did as he had before, and kept the place with his finger as he turned the book back towards his son.\u00a0 \u201cVerse six, Joe.\u00a0 This is about animals in the final kingdom of God.\u00a0 It\u2019s about how they\u2019ll be in spirit bodies and will dwell together safely.\u00a0 Go on read it.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThe wolf also shall dwell with the lamb, and the leopard shall lie down with the kid; and the calf and the young lion and the fatling together; and a child shall lead them,\u201d Joe read aloud.<\/p>\n \u201cNow,\u201d Ben paused and reached over and touched his son\u2019s arm, \u201cdoes it sound like God doesn\u2019t have a place set up for his animals?\u201d<\/p>\n Joe reread that verse several times to himself.\u00a0 He didn\u2019t answer his father, as he was still trying to mentally digest it all.\u00a0 If it was true, then it meant that his horse was not something that never was or never would be again.\u00a0 It was hard for Joe to accept what had happened to Cochise, as he considered the animal to be more than a horse; she had been his beloved friend.\u00a0 He had struggled by himself to come to terms with the fact that he would never see Cochise again.\u00a0 It wasn\u2019t something he was willing to accept.\u00a0 Joe had been running away from the fact that he had told God that if heaven wasn\u2019t good enough for Cochise, then he didn\u2019t want to go there when he died.\u00a0 It had been one of the hardest tests of his faith; a test he was failing.\u00a0 Yes, he had lost loved ones.\u00a0 However, Joe did believe that they were in heaven waiting for him.\u00a0 But, he had never heard anyone, not even his father, say that animals had a place in the kingdom of God.\u00a0 His eyes were starting to open, as his heart was starting to ache for the first time in days.<\/p>\n Ben had noticed the tell-tale signs.\u00a0 Joe wasn\u2019t making wise-cracks any more, nor was he challenging his father\u2019s beliefs.\u00a0 The boy sat there reading the same passage over and over again.\u00a0 \u201cHow about I show you one more place for tonight, Joseph?\u201d<\/p>\n Joe simply nodded.\u00a0 He was about to lose his composure entirely.\u00a0 He could feel the emotions trying to leave his heart.<\/p>\n Ben thumbed through to Hosea, looking up now and then to gauge how his son was doing.\u00a0 He could see the reemergence of the boy he loved so much.\u00a0 It had been a long day, and a long battle, and though Ben knew it would mean the beginning of true grief, he was prepared to help his son through that.\u00a0 Clearing his throat from latent emotion, Pa turned the Bible around and pointed out Hosea chapter two, verse eighteen to Joe.<\/p>\n \u201cLet\u2019s close up with God\u2019s covenant for animals here.\u00a0 Read eighteen, Son.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cAnd in that day will I make a covenant for them with the beasts of the fields, and with the fowls of heaven, and with the creeping things of the ground:\u00a0 and I will break the bow and the sword and the battle out of the earth, and will make them to lie down safely.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYou see, Joseph, God made every living thing for his pleasure.\u00a0 And just think how much pleasure that crazy pinto is for Him now!\u00a0 I believe that Cochise had a very special spirit, I really do.\u00a0 And, I owe her an awful lot, for always bringing you home to me.\u00a0 Now she\u2019s gone home.\u00a0 You\u2019ll see her again, I don\u2019t doubt that at all, Son.\u201d<\/p>\n That had done it!\u00a0 Joe had to push the Bible away from him.\u00a0 His head fell to his arms on the table.\u00a0 Joe wept.\u00a0 Grief had finally filled in for his anger and pain.\u00a0 Ben ached for the boy.\u00a0 He hated that it had taken four days to get to what was basically day one for Joe.\u00a0 But, since he had misguidedly thought that his horse had just gone to nothingness he really hadn\u2019t been able to grieve.\u00a0 Ben wished he had understood that point before he had ever allowed his son to leave home.\u00a0 When he thought on how close Joe had come to getting back on morphine it scared him half to death.\u00a0 Ben said a silent prayer of thanksgivings to God, grateful that He had brought him up to the line shack in time.\u00a0 Ben walked around the table and dropped his hands down on Joe\u2019s shoulders.<\/p>\n \u201cJoe, if you had only told me,\u201d Ben whispered.<\/p>\n \u201cI couldn\u2019t, Pa.\u00a0 I couldn\u2019t ask you for help that I didn\u2019t believe existed.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cHow many times did you hear in church that God knows when even a sparrow falls?\u00a0 Joseph, imagine —- just imagine — if the Good Lord loves a little sparrow, why —\u00a0 just imagine how much He must love that pinto of yours!\u201d<\/p>\n Joe wiped his eyes on his shirt sleeve but still didn\u2019t lift his head yet.\u00a0 He hurt too much.\u00a0 \u201cI believe it, Pa, — but now I hurt more than I did before.\u00a0 Why?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cIt\u2019s grief.\u00a0 Unfortunately, even when you know where she is, it doesn\u2019t take that away.\u00a0 That takes time, Joe.\u00a0 But, the good part is, when the grief ends, that\u2019s where you find the good memories.\u00a0 As long as you have good memories, you\u2019ll always have Cochise with you; until you see her again.\u201d<\/p>\n Joe made the move his father had been waiting for.\u00a0 He stood from the table.\u00a0 This time he wasn\u2019t looking for a whiskey bottle, or a vial of morphine.\u00a0 Joe needed something stronger and longer lasting.\u00a0 He turned towards his father\u2019s love.\u00a0 And Pa was right there.\u00a0 He held him close and allowed his son time to cry, to grieve, and to talk.\u00a0 Unconditional love was waiting for Joe, even after all of the trials that he had put his father through.\u00a0 They were family, and there was and always would be love.<\/p>\n The two Cartwrights stayed up most of the night.\u00a0 Joe experienced all the normal signs of grief.\u00a0 He felt he should have done more.\u00a0 He felt he should have waited to put the horse down.\u00a0 A couple of times he said that he should have put her down sooner.\u00a0 One time Joe had gone so far as to call himself a murderer for having had her put down at all.\u00a0 His feelings ran the gamut:\u00a0 grief, sorrow, denial, remorse, and even occasional anger.\u00a0 Pa was ready for it all, as Joe had aptly put it, Ben was the Job of all grief.\u00a0 That one line, after thinking on it, did tend to describe parts of Ben\u2019s life.\u00a0 But, he felt he was like Job in another way as well.\u00a0 For as much grief as he had endured over the years, even after loving and losing three wives, he still felt as though he had been reimbursed, just as Job had been.\u00a0 Ben had his three sons, and he wouldn\u2019t have traded his life with anyone.<\/p>\n By the time Pa finally got Joe settled enough so that he could get him to lay down on one of the bunks, it was after two in the morning.\u00a0 Holding the lantern up, he placed it next to the head of the bunk.\u00a0 There was one final thing that Ben needed to address or he would have trouble sleeping.<\/p>\n \u201cJoseph?\u201d Ben whispered.<\/p>\n \u201cStill awake,\u201d Joe replied and squinted towards his father.<\/p>\n \u201cMind if I give you one final quote from the Bible?\u201d he asked, sitting down on the side of the bunk.<\/p>\n \u201cIf it\u2019s about Cochise, Pa — I don\u2019t think I can take it right now,\u201d Joe answered earnestly.<\/p>\n Ben shook his head, \u201cno, Son, it\u2019s about the morphine.\u00a0 I can\u2019t shake the worry over how easily you got a hold of it, and why you turned to it now.\u00a0 I know you\u2019ve had a rough year — well, several in fact.\u00a0 I also remember Doctor Peele cautioning me that something could come up to send you back towards that vile drug.\u00a0 I just need to know that you\u2019re not still thinking about it.\u00a0 But, you\u2019ve got to be honest with me or we\u2019re both wasting our time.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cPa, I might always think about it — but I didn\u2019t use it.\u00a0 At least that\u2019s something, right?\u00a0 I mean, I could\u2019ve right after I filled that syringe.\u00a0 Maybe, deep down I was waiting for something—-like maybe my pa showing up?\u201d Joe attempted a smile, but it lost its effect as his father\u2019s eyes were penetrating and wanted total honesty.\u00a0 \u201cI promise you I won\u2019t do this again —- and if I start to get the urge — for whatever reason — I will come to you.\u00a0 I won\u2019t let you down again.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cIf you promise,\u201d Ben nodded.\u00a0 \u201cBut, I thought I\u2019d leave you with my favorite passage from the Bible.\u00a0 You won\u2019t have to look it up, I\u2019ve memorized this one over the years.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cSure, Pa, go ahead.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cIt\u2019s from First Corinthians chapter ten, verse thirteen.\u00a0 It goes like this, there hath no temptation taken you but such is common to man:\u00a0 but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted about that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it.\u201d<\/p>\n Joe nodded.\u00a0 He understood exactly why Pa had chosen that one to both learn by heart and also to share with his son.\u00a0 He knew that Joe would always be tempted by his addiction.\u00a0 Pa was letting him know that he\u2019d never be alone, and he would always have a way to escape it.<\/p>\n \u201cFirst Corinthians?\u201d Joe asked, groggily.\u00a0 The strong emotional night had taken its toll and he was wearing out fast.<\/p>\n Ben grinned knowingly and replied, \u201cyes, and you\u2019ll find that in the New Testament, Joseph.\u201d<\/p>\n Joe began to nod off.\u00a0 Before he went totally underneath the blanket of sleep, he whispered, \u201cPa — how long will this grief last you think?\u201d<\/p>\n Pa stood and stared down at his youngest.\u00a0 He was glad that Joe had passed out before he had to lie to the boy.\u00a0 Ben knew that everyone grieved in different ways and at different times.\u00a0 He could do nothing to hasten the grieving process, other than to pray that Joseph would get to the healing stage without too much anguish.\u00a0 Ben felt that the boy had dealt with enough travail in his twenty two years.\u00a0 Pulling up the covers to Joe\u2019s shoulders, he bent down and pushed the curls from off the boy\u2019s forehead.\u00a0 \u201cNothing very bad lasts forever,\u201d Pa whispered to his sleeping son.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n The next morning Joe awoke with a crashing headache.\u00a0 As he sat up in his bunk he rubbed at his temples, realizing that he was experiencing the pain due to his alcohol consumption over the last four days.\u00a0 He also knew his head hurt due to the prior long night which had been rent with deep emotions.\u00a0 Glancing across the room he spotted his father, who had obviously been up for quite a while.\u00a0 Ben stood next to the stove, a coffee pot in his gloved hand.\u00a0 Grimacing as he swung his legs around to the side of the bunk, Joe carefully pulled himself to standing.<\/p>\n \u201cGood morning,\u201d Ben called over to his son.<\/p>\n \u201cMorning,\u201d Joe returned, and crossed over to the table.\u00a0 He sat down gingerly.<\/p>\n Ben grinned as he handed Joe a cup of coffee and asked, \u201changover?\u201d<\/p>\n Joe nodded as he took the cup into his left hand.\u00a0 \u201cWorst one I\u2019ve ever had.\u201d<\/p>\n Ben took a seat across from Joe and replied, \u201cjust remember how you feel right now and perhaps history won\u2019t repeat itself.\u201d<\/p>\n Joe shook his head wondering how his father could launch right into a lecture so early in the morning.<\/p>\n \u201cI was going to fix you some breakfast, but figured you wouldn\u2019t be hungry.\u00a0 As a matter of fact,\u201d Ben paused and studied his son\u2019s face, \u201cyou look a little green around the gills.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThat\u2019s exactly how I feel, Pa.\u00a0 My stomach and my head hurt.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWell, Young Man,\u201d Ben paused again, reaching over and tapping his son\u2019s right arm, \u201cyou\u2019re lucky that you aren\u2019t hurting elsewhere today.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cHuh?\u201d Joe questioned, having no idea what his father was referring to.<\/p>\n Ben sighed and shook his head.\u00a0 \u201cEvidently you\u2019ve forgotten all about your behavior yesterday.\u00a0 Albeit you were very intoxicated, you were however, very outspoken.\u201d<\/p>\n Joe winced his eyes closed as flashes of the previous night emerged.\u00a0 He remembered most of what his father had alluded to.\u00a0 He knew by the paternal gaze shot his way that he had pushed his father to the breaking point.<\/p>\n \u201cOh yeah — that,\u201d Joe stammered.<\/p>\n \u201cYes THAT,\u201d Ben returned sternly.<\/p>\n Grinning sheepishly across the table Joe tried his best to get out of the embarrassment that he felt over his atrocious actions.\u00a0 \u201cHey, Pa, was I really this close last night?\u201d Joe measured a half of an inch between his right index finger and thumb and held it up.<\/p>\n \u201cOf course not, Joseph,\u201d Ben replied calmly.\u00a0 But, as soon as he saw his son lean back in his chair and heard him breathe a sigh of relief, Pa reached across the table.\u00a0 \u201cActually, you were this THIS CLOSE,\u201d Pa held up his own right index finger and thumb, and they were touching each other firmly, right in front of Joes\u2019 face.<\/p>\n Joe grinned.\u00a0 Pa, though he was the true king of innuendo, had meant the gesture as a way to get his son to smile.\u00a0 He knew his father was trying to keep his thoughts away from all of the sorrow that had transpired and the grief that still lay ahead in the weeks to come.\u00a0 Ben walked around the table, looked down sternly at his son, and then laughed.\u00a0 He ruffled a hand through Joe\u2019s unruly hair and made an announcement.<\/p>\n \u201cJust so I\u2019ve made myself clear about everything.\u00a0 Finish your coffee, I\u2019m going to start packing my gear,\u201d Ben said, and walked over to his bunk.<\/p>\n Joe drank what he could, which wasn\u2019t much.\u00a0 Days of overindulging on alcohol and not eating had taken their toll.\u00a0 He watched as his father packed up his bedroll and placed his Bible back into his saddle bags.\u00a0 Joe didn\u2019t have much to pack up.\u00a0 Most of what he had brought to the cabin had been smashed the previous night by his father.\u00a0 He rolled up his blanket and grabbed his holster.\u00a0 Joe made sure that the wood stove was thoroughly doused, thus ending his chores.<\/p>\n \u201cReady?\u201d Ben called over to his son.\u00a0 He wasn\u2019t trying to rush the boy, but he was concerned that if they didn\u2019t show up at the ranch house soon, that Hoss and Adam would be out looking for them.<\/p>\n Joe buckled his gun-belt and tied the rawhide strings.\u00a0 \u201cYeah, Pa, I\u2019m ready.\u201d<\/p>\n Ben stood at the door with his son.\u00a0 He dropped a hand down onto Joe\u2019s shoulder and spoke out seriously, \u201cI don\u2019t see any reason to mention to your brothers where I found you or what you were getting ready to do.\u201d<\/p>\n Joe nodded appreciatively, \u201cthanks, Pa.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cBUT, I don\u2019t want to EVER find you here again, understood?\u201d<\/p>\n Joe stared up at his father, he was not fooling around this time, Pa was dead serious.\u00a0 \u201cYes, Sir, — it\u2019s understood,\u201d Joe replied quickly.<\/p>\n \u201cAnd, I\u2019ll hold you to that promise you made last night about the morphine,\u201d Ben reminded his son exactly what he expected from him<\/p>\n \u201cI meant what I said, Pa.\u00a0 I promise you — I\u2019ll come to you if the urge ever gets too bad.\u201d<\/p>\n Ben sighed with relief, he had read his son\u2019s face and could tell that Joe was being sincere, \u201cc\u2019mon, let\u2019s get out of here,\u201d Ben smiled and opened the door.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n After the two men tied off their bedrolls and secured the saddlebags, Ben and Joe mounted their horses.\u00a0 Pa could detect sadness beginning to spread across his son\u2019s face.\u00a0 He knew Joe had been thinking of Cochise when he had slipped his left boot into the stirrup and swung his right leg across the saddle.\u00a0 Joseph had a habit of vaulting up onto his pinto, using only his left hand on the saddle-horn.\u00a0 But the chestnut mare was not Cochise.<\/p>\n \u201cJoseph,\u201d Ben began, \u201cI know it\u2019s going to be hard back home at first.\u00a0 There are a lot of memories there.\u201d<\/p>\n Joe nodded solemnly.\u00a0 He had already begun thinking of what it was going to be like walking into the barn again.\u00a0 The thought of the empty stall sent an aching in his heart.<\/p>\n \u201cI just want you to know that I\u2019m not going to pressure you about getting another horse.\u00a0 You\u2019ll know when the time is right,\u201d Ben said, and reached over and patted his son\u2019s back.<\/p>\n \u201cThanks,\u201d Joe whispered, still fighting for control of his emotions.<\/p>\n \u201cBut —- when you are ready — you just let me know.\u00a0 Then you can start making up one of your famous lists and we\u2019ll go over it,\u201d Ben smiled as he turned his mount, and both horses slowly began walking alongside each other.<\/p>\n \u201cLists?\u201d Joe asked, confused.\u00a0 \u201cWhat lists?\u201d<\/p>\n Ben looked over at his son surprised, \u201coh don\u2019t tell me you forgot about writing that long list ten years ago?\u00a0 You remember — you practically insisted on seeing every horse in this country.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cOh!\u201d Joe exclaimed.\u00a0 \u201cThe list.\u00a0 Yeah — now I remember.\u201d\u00a0 His memories took him back ten years.\u00a0 He reflected back not only to the list of horses, but also to the Indian camp where he had first seen Cochise.<\/p>\n When Joe became suddenly silent again, his father looked over at him concerned.\u00a0 He could see his son\u2019s eyes beginning to mist up.\u00a0 Joe tipped his hat forward, in a failed attempt to hide his tears.<\/p>\n \u201cIt\u2019s going to be okay, Son.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI know, Pa,\u201d Joe replied, his voice breaking.\u00a0 He fought to regroup.\u00a0 Finally, he said, \u201cbut this time, I guess I will have to use a list.\u00a0 Because they\u2019ll never be another horse like Cochise!\u00a0 She chose me, remember?\u201d<\/p>\n Ben nodded, \u201cof course I remember!\u00a0 But, no matter what, even if you don\u2019t ever feel the same way about another horse, Joseph — there is another horse out there somewhere just waiting for you.\u00a0 And, I\u2019m betting that you choose a good one!\u201d<\/p>\n Joe reached up under his hat and pushed away his tears.\u00a0 He breathed deeply, trying to stay the emotion he was feeling.\u00a0 \u201cWhen I make that list one thing\u2019s for sure, Pa,\u201d Joe stopped abruptly.<\/p>\n \u201cWhat\u2019s that, Son?\u201d Ben coaxed him on.<\/p>\n \u201cNo pintos!\u201d\u00a0 Joe called over to his pa, and then sent the chestnut mare into a gallop.<\/p>\n Ben watched as his son raced back towards the ranch house.\u00a0 *** He just needs some time *** Ben sighed to himself.\u00a0 He knew that Joe needed to burn off some steam before he\u2019d be hitting the stark reality waiting for him at home.\u00a0 Kicking at Buck\u2019s sides gently, he increased the pace.\u00a0 Ben kept his son within his sight all the way back to the Ponderosa ranch house.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Epilogue:<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Over five weeks went by slowly for Joe Cartwright.\u00a0 He had his good days, and he had his terrible days.\u00a0 Trying his best to stay busy he had helped his brothers with the cattle, taking them down to the south shore of Lake Tahoe.\u00a0 The cattle would be grazing there on winter grass in order to survive the heavy snows.\u00a0 Hoss and Adam were glad to have Joe with them, not just for the extra hands, but because they were worried about him.\u00a0 For years he had been known as the kid who bounced back from any ordeal. \u00a0But, now with each new week that passed all the other Cartwrights were concerned that Joe might never get over the loss of his best friend.\u00a0 Everyone noticed that each day the young man took out a different mount.\u00a0 Joe had refused subtle suggestions that there was new horse stock up in the Carson Valley.\u00a0 The mere mention of a replacement for Cochise usually led to a day of silence on Joe\u2019s part.<\/p>\n Ben had spotted his youngest son staring into the empty stall in the barn frequently.\u00a0 It made his heart ache for the kid.\u00a0 He felt at a total loss as to how to help him.\u00a0 All Ben could do was to wait for some kind of a sign that Joe\u2019s grief was lifting, and that sign hadn\u2019t come yet.\u00a0 It did make him feel a tad better to see Joseph going out each day with his brothers, and from their reports he was working harder than ever before.\u00a0 That didn\u2019t come as much of a surprise to Pa.\u00a0 He knew his youngest enough to know that the boy put his heart into everything he did; even grief.\u00a0 Working hard lent its way to exhaustion, and Joe went to bed each night long before anyone else in the house.\u00a0 It was another sign that Joe wasn\u2019t his old self.<\/p>\n It was time to get the last preparations done to secure the ranch before winter dug in.\u00a0 In the High Sierra Mountain Range, where the Ponderosa was a large part, there were predictions of the possibility of heavy snows soon.\u00a0 It was a guessing game most years.\u00a0 A blizzard could be upon them in October or some years it could wait until late December.\u00a0 So, as Ben was finishing some last minute details concerning closing out his yearly financial ledgers, he decided that a trip into Virginia City would be a good idea.\u00a0 He could get all of his banking done, pick up what he needed at the mercantile, and figure out what to get Joe for Christmas.\u00a0 He had already picked Adam and Hoss\u2019 brains as to what each of them wanted, and had long ago purchased their presents.\u00a0 *** Two down one to go *** Ben thought to himself as he stared towards the staircase.\u00a0 It wouldn\u2019t be long before a huge evergreen tree would sit right alongside of the stairs.\u00a0 There had been so many happy memories of Christmas\u2019s past, and a couple that weren\u2019t so happy.\u00a0 Ben had learned to file the unhappy memories away over the years, and he wished that Joseph could come to that realization too.\u00a0 Even though it had been a month and a half, it probably seemed like only hours ago that Cochise had been put down, at least to Joe.<\/p>\n The anxious father tried to shake off his normal paternal worry and walked outside to get some fresh air.\u00a0 He knew that both of his older boys were off on a mission to mark a tree to cut, and that meant that Joseph would be around somewhere.\u00a0 Looking across the yard he spotted the open barn door.\u00a0 Sighing to himself, Ben headed towards the empty stall, where he might find his son.<\/p>\n \u201cJoe?\u201d Ben called softly.<\/p>\n Joe turned towards the sound of his father\u2019s voice.\u00a0 He had a bridle in his hand.\u00a0 It had been Cochise\u2019s.\u00a0 Joe hung the bridle on the stall gate, and turned away from his father for a minute.\u00a0 Ben noticed his son wiping his eyes on his shirt sleeve before turning back around.<\/p>\n Joe coughed into his hand to keep his voice from betraying him and showing he had been crying.\u00a0 \u201cYou looking for me?\u201d<\/p>\n Ben forced a smile and pretended not to notice what his son was trying so hard to hide from him.\u00a0 \u201cYes, I need your help with something.\u201d<\/p>\n Joe walked closer to his father and looked up at him.\u00a0 He doubted Pa needed his help with anything.\u00a0 All the real chores were already done, at least the ones that Joe could do.\u00a0 But, since it was getting close to Christmas he decided to play along, in an attempt to ease his father\u2019s mind.\u00a0 He knew that everyone was trying their best to help him get over his loss.\u00a0 ***If only someone could *** Joe thought to himself.<\/p>\n \u201cWhat do you need, Pa?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWill you help me hitch up the buckboard?\u00a0 I need to drop some papers off at the bank and finish up with my shopping.\u00a0 This might be the last chance I get, the snow can\u2019t hold off much longer!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019ll hitch up the team for you,\u201d Joe replied and began to walk towards the corral.<\/p>\n Ben caught his son\u2019s arm before he made it out of the barn.\u00a0 \u201cWell, I can hitch up the team, of course.\u00a0 I need you to help me with the last of the shopping.\u201d<\/p>\n Joe shook his head and forced a smile, \u201cPa, you\u2019ve got everything done by now.\u00a0 You probably got most of the stuff way back in summer!\u00a0 You want me to go into town — fine.\u00a0 But, if you\u2019re still trying to find out what I want for Christmas just give up will you?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThere has to be SOMETHING that you want,\u201d Pa argued, draping his arm around his son\u2019s shoulder.<\/p>\n Joe looked back towards the empty stall.\u00a0 \u201cWhat I want isn\u2019t in your power any more, Pa.\u00a0 Maybe next year,\u201d Joe answered, a wistfulness to his tone.<\/p>\n Ben nodded that he understood.\u00a0 \u201cOkay, then just humor your father.\u00a0 And have pity on me.\u00a0 I haven\u2019t found Hop Sing that cookbook he wanted.\u00a0 Can\u2019t you at least go into town with me?\u00a0 I could use the company and the moral support.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYou\u2019re not going to give up, are you, Pa?\u201d<\/p>\n Ben laughed, \u201cwhere do you think you got your stubbornness anyway?\u201d<\/p>\n Joe caved in to his father\u2019s request.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019ll go with you.\u00a0 Let me get the buckboard ready,\u201d Joe announced and turned out of the barn.<\/p>\n Ben looked heavenward and whispered, \u201cthanks!\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Virginia City had a fair sized number of shoppers for so late in the season.\u00a0 Joe had gone with his father to the bank and then to a few small shops in search of Hop Sing\u2019s gift.\u00a0 Ben watched as Joe walked around the mercantile, hoping he would hone in on something that his son might like.\u00a0 The only items that he had paid any attention to were gifts for others.\u00a0 Joe had already finished all of his shopping, but wanted to see if he\u2019d gotten a good price on what he had purchased elsewhere.\u00a0 Ben gave up on finding something for Joe.\u00a0 He had a few small things for the boy already, just like Joe had alluded to at home.\u00a0 He had picked up several things for each of his sons earlier in the year while away on business trips.\u00a0 Ben finally decided that he\u2019d have to settle with giving Joseph an I.O.U. towards whatever he wanted in the future.<\/p>\n \u201cPa?\u00a0 I\u2019m gonna wait outside, okay?\u201d Joe asked, weary of watching his father watching him.<\/p>\n \u201cSure, Joe, you go on out, I\u2019ll be along shortly,\u201d Ben nodded, having picked up a cookbook which looked like the one that Hop Sing had mentioned.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Joe sat on a bench outside the mercantile.\u00a0 He was bored and wasn\u2019t much in the mood for Christmas.\u00a0 The only joy he might have would be in watching his family opening the gifts he\u2019d purchased for them.\u00a0 Fortunately, like his pa, he had done some shopping while in San Francisco.\u00a0 And it was a good thing that he had done it back then.\u00a0 Joe didn\u2019t have much money left after closing his bank account to purchase the morphine six weeks prior.\u00a0 He had earned some money since then, regular pay, which he used to get the few other presents he had already bought for his family.\u00a0 This year, Joe reasoned, he\u2019d have two less presents to buy.\u00a0 There was his friend Mitch, who had moved to New England.\u00a0 They wouldn\u2019t be sending gifts back and forth to each other.\u00a0 And there wouldn\u2019t be the usual gift he always bought at Christmas for Cochise.\u00a0 He had bought her a new blanket before he had left to visit Doctor Peele, and now that was gone too.\u00a0 The more he thought about Christmas, and what it would mean at home this year, the more depressed he got.\u00a0 And, it was the reason why he wanted to get out of town faster than usual.\u00a0 He was getting upset seeing all the happy faces on all of the local shoppers.<\/p>\n \u201cHey, Pale Face!\u201d a voice sang out, coming from the street down in front of Joe.<\/p>\n Looking up, Joe saw his old friend, Silver Wolf.\u00a0 He hadn\u2019t seen the man in several years.\u00a0 Silver Wolf was four years older than Joe, and he was surprised that they still got along so well, even after all the years.\u00a0 The Paiute tribe hadn\u2019t had the best of years either.\u00a0 Pa had helped with yet another treaty, but it was getting harder for the tribe to find game due to all of the new settlers.\u00a0 Joe had missed the regular fall trip up to Winnemucca\u2019s camp, since he had been away in San Francisco at the time.<\/p>\n \u201cHow are you, Old Friend?\u201d Joe smiled, and walked down to the street.\u00a0 He noticed that Silver Wolf was pulling along a string of five horses behind his own horse.<\/p>\n \u201cHealthy and well, but waiting for winter to see what it brings.\u00a0 Glad to see the snows hold off, but coat on squirrels very thick.\u00a0 Will be plenty snow soon.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cAnd the Chief?\u00a0 How\u2019s Winnemucca?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cStrong, but years grow long for Chief.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYeah — hey can he still out run you?\u201d Joe joked.<\/p>\n Silver Wolf grinned and nodded his head, \u201cstill can.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cSo, what are you doing in town?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cMister Vance at livery ask for five Indian ponies.\u00a0 I bring now, get paid by him and get supplies back to camp before dark.\u201d<\/p>\n Joe glanced towards the horses, but didn\u2019t pay them much attention.\u00a0 He also didn\u2019t want to bring up the fact that Cochise had died.\u00a0 So, before Silver Wolf might get interested and perhaps ask about the paint pony, Joe decided to side step that issue.<\/p>\n \u201cHey, you know my pa is inside here at the mercantile.\u00a0 Why don\u2019t you go in and see him?\u00a0 I know he\u2019d love to see you!\u201d Joe urged his friend.<\/p>\n The Indian sprang from his horse, and without asking for Joe\u2019s help, handed him the lead ropes to all five of the horses along with the reins to his stallion.\u00a0 \u201cYou guard, I go see Father Cartwright,\u201d Silver Wolf insisted, shoving the ropes and reins into Joe\u2019s left hand.\u00a0 He then stepped up onto the steps and pointed toward the watering trough just down at the end of the sidewalk in front of the store.\u00a0 \u201cMake useful!\u00a0 Water ponies,\u201d Silver Wolf ordered, but with a smile on his face.\u00a0 He then entered the mercantile in search of Ben.<\/p>\n Joe frowned realizing that somehow his plan had gone drastically awry.\u00a0 Now instead of having to explain where his own horse was, he was forced to take care of six Indian ponies.\u00a0 And it hadn\u2019t taken too long to spot the fact that one of them was a black and white pinto.\u00a0 Joe also spied two brown and white pintos, a sorrel and a solid black horse.\u00a0 Then, of course there was Silver Wolf\u2019s prized white stallion.\u00a0 Six horses to tend to, and all of them thirsty.\u00a0 Joe slowly led the bunch over to the horse trough.\u00a0 Dropping their guide ropes down, Joe turned to tie the stallion\u2019s reins to a hitching post.\u00a0 He figured he\u2019d be better off letting the wilder horses drink first, and then he\u2019d water his friend\u2019s stallion.\u00a0 As soon as Joe had secured the reins, he walked around the step to the porch and approached the five horses.\u00a0 The black and white pinto, which had been in the middle of the string of ponies, suddenly was no longer there.\u00a0 When Joe looked around to see where it had gone off to, without warning he felt an abrupt push.\u00a0 Before Joe could catch himself, he fell head over heels into the watering trough.\u00a0 A loud splash followed by a yell was heard just inside the mercantile.\u00a0 Joe came up from the bottom of the trough spitting out water.\u00a0 There in front of him was the black and white pinto.\u00a0 On top of that humiliation was that the horse was whinnying, as if it was laughing at him!\u00a0 Ben and Silver Wolf, who had been standing just inside of the store, heard the commotion and looking outside saw Joe.\u00a0 Only the black and white pinto had broken rank, the other horses all remained calmly just where Joe had dropped their leads.<\/p>\n \u201cYou DAD GUM sneaky horse!\u201d Joe yelled, as he stood up sopping wet.<\/p>\n Ben and Silver Wolf couldn\u2019t contain themselves and erupted in laughter.\u00a0 Joe looked like a drowned rat.\u00a0 His hair hung down into his eyes.\u00a0 And there was the pinto, standing off towards the end of the watering trough where it had pushed Joe.\u00a0 The paint pony was holding its own against the young man\u2019s tirade.<\/p>\n \u201cJoseph?\u00a0 A little early in the day for a bath isn\u2019t it?\u201d Ben called down to his son.<\/p>\n Joe frowned and shot both his father and his friend a very displeased look.\u00a0 \u201cGet this animal away from me!\u201d Joe shouted, and pointed at the black and white pinto.<\/p>\n Silver Wolf gathered the ropes to the four horses.\u00a0 He left his stallion tied where Joe had secured him.\u00a0 The Indian also left the pinto which had pushed Joe standing just where it was, staring down his old friend.\u00a0 \u201cYou not yell so loud at this horse, Little Joe!\u00a0 It is a wild one,\u201d Silver Wolf warned.<\/p>\n Joe decided to step out of the trough at the opposite end from where the black and white pinto stood.\u00a0 He stared up at his father and was unamused and miffed that he hadn\u2019t come to his aid.<\/p>\n \u201cNeither of you were much help!\u201d Joe called out to both men.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019ll help you, Son,\u201d Ben replied, trying to sound apologetic.\u00a0 It was a difficult task, as he was trying to contain his mirth.\u00a0 \u201cHere, better put on my coat or you\u2019ll catch your death of cold.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI don\u2019t want your coat,\u201d Joe argued.\u00a0 \u201cWhat good\u2019s a coat gonna do for me when I\u2019m soaked to the skin and all because of that sneaky pinto?!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cGo on inside then, Joseph.\u00a0 Go buy some clothes and have Jim wrap up your wet ones while you change.\u00a0 Just tell him to add it to my bill.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cBeen good seeing you, Old Friend!\u201d\u00a0 Silver Wolf called to Joe as he disappeared into the shop.<\/p>\n Joe simply waved towards the Indian, and indignantly passing by his father, made sure he dripped some water onto him.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n By the time Joe had a chance to get a whole new outfit, change inside the dressing room, and have his wet clothes bound up, Ben had paid his bill and was waiting for his son out in the buckboard.\u00a0 Joe came out of the store, his hair still wet, but his body was once again dry.\u00a0 He had made a point of choosing the most expensive pants, underclothes, and shirt he could find.\u00a0 If Pa was going to have a good laugh at his expense, Joe reasoned, he\u2019d have to pay for the merriment.\u00a0 When he stepped down from the porch of the mercantile, Joe noticed that Pa was not alone.<\/p>\n \u201cWhat the heck is THAT?!\u201d\u00a0 Joe yelled, and pointed at the black and white pinto, whose lead rope was now tied to the back of the buckboard.<\/p>\n \u201cWhat?\u201d Ben asked, pretending not to know what Joe was pointing towards.<\/p>\n \u201cThat evil mangy horse you have tied up to your buckboard, that\u2019s what!\u201d Joe retorted, making sure to walk the long way around the wagon before climbing up to the bench seat.<\/p>\n \u201cOh, — the horse?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYes, the horse, Pa!\u00a0 What are you doing with that thing?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cMerry Christmas, Joseph,\u201d Ben smiled.<\/p>\n Joe folded his arms tightly across his chest, obviously upset.\u00a0 He waited a few minutes before he replied, \u201cyou said I could choose my own horse!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI know I did, but you were too late,\u201d Ben argued, and tapped at the reins of the team, sending the buckboard into motion.<\/p>\n \u201cToo late for what, Pa?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cHorse choose boy!\u201d Ben announced, giving his best Chief Winnemucca imitation, as a reminder of how the chief had spoken to his son ten years earlier when he was gifted Cochise.<\/p>\n Joe turned around and stared towards the pinto.\u00a0 \u201cDidn\u2019t I say there wouldn\u2019t be a pinto on my list?\u201d Joe reminded his father.<\/p>\n \u201cYes, you did.\u00a0 But, as I recall a pinto wasn\u2019t on your list when you were a kid either,\u201d Ben remarked smiling.<\/p>\n \u201cA mangy sneaky pinto!\u00a0 Just what I need,\u201d Joe announced but couldn\u2019t help turning around several more times to look at the animal.\u00a0 \u201cShe\u2019s probably dumb as a rock.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cOh, I don\u2019t know,\u201d Pa paused and patted his son\u2019s knee, \u201cat least HE knows that HE is a HE!\u201d<\/p>\n Joe whipped his head around and took another look at the animal.\u00a0 \u201cOh, well — I guess he\u2019s got that going for him.\u00a0 But, I wasn\u2019t ready for this, Pa,\u201d Joe turned serious, thinking back to his beloved friend, Cochise.<\/p>\n \u201cSon, you\u2019re waiting for Cochise.\u00a0 You\u2019re never going to find her again — at least not on earth.\u00a0 You said yourself that she was one of a kind,\u201d Ben tried his best to get through to his son.<\/p>\n Joe turned back towards the horse and called out to it, \u201cokay, you can stay for a while.\u00a0 But, you\u2019d better learn who\u2019s in charge around here pretty darned quick!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThat\u2019s right, Joseph.\u00a0 You make sure you explain to the horse just who is in charge around here,\u201d Ben laughed.<\/p>\n Joe broke into a smile and, staring over at his pa, sighed, \u201cI think I\u2019m looking at him.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cAnd it only took you twenty two years to figure that one out, Joseph.\u00a0 Lets\u2019 hope that your horse learns faster than his master,\u201d Ben chuckled.<\/p>\n Joe laughed and turned around in the seat to watch the pinto as it followed behind the buckboard all the way back to the Ponderosa.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Christmas Eve had come after a long wait.\u00a0 Ben reflected briefly on the year that had almost come to a close.\u00a0 It had been rife with ups and downs, both good times and bad.\u00a0 But, that was the way of life, and Ben had learned those things the hard way.\u00a0 He pulled on his heavy winter coat before stepping outside. It appeared that Hoss and Adam, with Hop Sing\u2019s help, had things pretty much in order inside the house.\u00a0 They had been busy with the decorations, finishing the last minute touches, as well as setting out food for a Christmas Eve spread for the four Cartwrights and their cherished cook and caregiver.\u00a0\u00a0 Now all Ben had to do was to find his wayward youngest son.\u00a0 It wasn\u2019t a big mystery to figure out where the boy was hiding out this time.\u00a0 Though he had been sent to do a simple chore over an hour ago, he still wasn\u2019t back nor the job completed.<\/p>\n Ben crossed the front yard and headed towards the light from a lantern coming from the barn.\u00a0 Evidently Joe had gone the long way around to bring in the firewood that he had been sent out to gather.\u00a0 Silently slipping into the barn, Ben saw his son standing in Cochise\u2019s old stall.\u00a0\u00a0 Watching the boy standing there grooming his new pinto warmed his father\u2019s heart.<\/p>\n \u201cJoseph?\u00a0 Were you planning on ripping out the stalls to get the wood we need for the fireplace?\u201d Ben asked, and tried his best to look annoyed.<\/p>\n Joe finished brushing the horse and set the curry comb down onto a shelf.\u00a0 \u201cOh, well, I was going to the wood pile and I thought I heard something, Pa.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cOh?\u00a0 Is this horse talking to you again?\u201d\u00a0 Ben laughed.<\/p>\n \u201cNope, in fact he still refuses to tell me his name no matter how many times I ask him!\u201d\u00a0 Joe grinned and stepped out of the stall, patting the pinto as he walked around him.<\/p>\n \u201cMaybe he\u2019s going to let you name him, since he got to choose you?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI don\u2019t know, Pa.\u00a0 Maybe he\u2019s not on the bright side after all?\u201d Joe quipped.<\/p>\n The horse whinnied and pawed the ground as if he knew what Joe had said.<\/p>\n \u201cJust testing you, fella,\u201d Joe replied, and patted the horse on its forehead.<\/p>\n \u201cWell, I\u2019ll just have to name him then,\u201d Ben announced.<\/p>\n \u201cGo ahead, Pa, but I\u2019m telling you I\u2019ve been through tons of names and he doesn\u2019t like any of them.\u201d Joe warned.<\/p>\n Ben walked over to the pinto and called out three names.\u00a0 First he named his horse, then Adam\u2019s and then Hoss\u2019 horses.\u00a0 \u201cBuck!\u00a0 Sport!\u00a0 Chub!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI tried those already, Pa!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cOkay, well, you know what he looks like to me?\u201d Ben grinned.<\/p>\n \u201cDon\u2019t say it,\u201d Joe warned.\u00a0 He thought of his horse every time he looked at the new pinto.\u00a0 They had a lot of the same markings.\u00a0 The big difference was that the new one wasn\u2019t a filly.<\/p>\n \u201cCochise!\u201d Ben called out to the horse.<\/p>\n The pinto suddenly perked up its ears.<\/p>\n \u201cWell, it looks like he\u2019s interested, why don\u2019t you try saying it, Joseph?\u201d<\/p>\n Joe took a deep breath.\u00a0 Part of him didn\u2019t want the horse to respond, but a part of him did.\u00a0 Finally, summoning the courage to find out, Joe said simply, \u201cCochise.\u201d<\/p>\n The pinto got up on its two back hooves and stood up.\u00a0 Then he came down gently and walked right over to where Joe stood by the gate of the stall.\u00a0 Joe fought back tears and looked over at his father.<\/p>\n \u201cYou think it\u2019s a good idea?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cLooks to me like it was meant to be,\u201d Pa nodded.<\/p>\n Joe patted the pinto\u2019s neck and whispered the name again.\u00a0 \u201cYou\u2019re going to have to work hard to live up to your new name,\u201d Joe reminded the animal.<\/p>\n \u201cWork — that reminds me!\u201d Ben interrupted.\u00a0 \u201cI have two sons inside the house who say I spoil you rotten by not making you work as hard as they do.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cHuh?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWell, they\u2019ve gotten the whole tree decorated, the mantle done and are helping Hop Sing with tomorrow\u2019s meal.\u00a0 And all YOU had to do was to bring in the firewood so we won\u2019t freeze to death.\u00a0 So tell Cochise goodnight and get out there and get to work!\u201d Ben scolded, though his face gave away his true emotions.\u00a0 He was just so happy that Joe had found another horse to help take away some of the grief he had felt for so long. \u00a0He was relieved that Joseph appeared to be looking forward to the future, and no longer dwelling on the sadness of the past few years.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cOkay, Cochise, I\u2019ll be back first thing in the morning to bring you your present.\u00a0 Now you sleep good,\u201d Joe said, and dropped a blanket across the horse\u2019s back.\u00a0 He then turned and brought the lantern outside.\u00a0 Securing the barn door, Joe faced his father and asked, \u201cSo — Adam and Hoss think I\u2019m spoiled, huh?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYes, they do,\u201d Ben nodded as he walked towards the wood pile with his son.<\/p>\n \u201cNo way possible!\u201d Joe argued.<\/p>\n \u201cOh?\u00a0 And why is that?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cBecause you didn\u2019t spare the rod, so you couldn\u2019t have spoileth THIS CHILD,\u201d Joe laughed, and reached for the stacked firewood.<\/p>\n \u201cSo you\u2019re the Bible expert now, is that right?\u201d Ben asked raising his eyebrows.<\/p>\n \u201cHey, I once sailed with this rabbi — \u201cJoe began, but couldn\u2019t finish his statement with a straight face.\u00a0 He thought back to the talk he and Pa had in the cabin, and Ben\u2019s stories of his sailing days.<\/p>\n \u201cWell, it must not have been the same rabbi I knew, because you got that Proverb wrong.\u00a0 Actually it\u2019s he that spareth his rod hateth his son,\u201d Ben corrected.<\/p>\n Joe pulled up a couple of pieces of firewood and handed them over to his father, who now had most of the wood in his arms.<\/p>\n \u201cWell, Pa, if that\u2019s the case,\u201d Joe paused and picked up a few pieces of wood to carry for himself, since he had already loaded his father\u2019s arms down.\u00a0 \u201cIf that\u2019s the way that proverb goes, then it\u2019s a sure bet that you must\u2019ve loved me a whole lot!\u00a0 Because I don\u2019t remember even one time that you \u201cspareth the rod\u201d with me,\u201d Joe quipped.<\/p>\n \u201cI guess you\u2019ve forgotten that three foot long stick up at the line shack, Joseph?\u201d Ben reminded his son.<\/p>\n Joe grinned sheepishly, \u201cokay, I\u2019ll admit it — you did \u201cspareth the KINDLING\u201d, Pa!\u00a0 But, I still know how much you love me.\u00a0 All I have to do is look at that pinto in the barn, he\u2019s proof enough.\u00a0 \u00a0Thanks — not just for the horse — but \u2013 well you know— for everything.\u201d\u00a0 Joe alluded to how his father had saved him from making a terrible error in judgement up at the cabin; one which could have proven to be deadly in the long run.<\/p>\n Ben smiled knowingly, and nodded towards his son as he made his way to the front door, arms loaded down with firewood.<\/p>\n Joe opened the door and the two Cartwrights stepped inside.\u00a0 The living room was bathed in the soft glow of candles, showing off the beautiful holiday decorations.\u00a0 Next to the staircase stood a twelve foot tall Christmas tree adorned with family ornaments.<\/p>\n Both men freed their arms of the firewood, setting it down onto the hearth.\u00a0 Joe turned and stared at the Christmas tree.\u00a0 It came as a complete surprise to him to see a new ornament hanging from one of the middle boughs.\u00a0 It was a small ceramic figurine of a black and white pinto.\u00a0 He reached for it and his eyes lit up.<\/p>\n Ben approached his son and settled his hand down onto Joe\u2019s shoulder and whispered, \u201cMerry Christmas, Joseph.\u201d<\/p>\n Joe looked up into his pa\u2019s twinkling eyes and, feeling the love that his father had for him, smiled and replied, \u201cMerry Christmas, Pa.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n THE END<\/p>\n 11-19-2010 \u2013 11-29-2024<\/p>\n (Dedicated to my grandson, Krishna Michael, who encouraged me to finish a story that sat unfinished since 2010: \u00a0\u00a0And to Rob, my unwitting story consultant)<\/p>\n &<\/p>\n
\n Absolute Faith
\n<\/a>A Part of the Main<\/a>
\nMustard Seed<\/a>
\nTo Help a Stranger (by Deb)<\/a>
\nOf One Breath<\/a><\/em><\/p>\n
\n\u201cOh, I mean it.\u00a0 No doubt about it, you grieve for people that you lose, and you go to heaven and see them again if you\u2019re good.\u00a0 Absolutely!\u00a0 And that\u2019s why I keep telling you over and over again why I am NOT grieving.\u00a0 How can I grieve for something that never existed, Pa?\u201d<\/p>\n