{"id":5345,"date":"2002-09-01T02:36:42","date_gmt":"2002-09-01T06:36:42","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=5345"},"modified":"2025-09-25T15:35:00","modified_gmt":"2025-09-25T19:35:00","slug":"the-final-bequest","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=5345","title":{"rendered":"The Final Bequest (by Puchi Ann)"},"content":{"rendered":"

Summary: \u00a0<\/span>A retrospective on two episodes of Bonanza, The Quality of Mercy and The Dark Gate. \u00a0Adam and Joe each contemplate the death of a best friend.<\/p>\n

Rated: K+ \u00a0 (6,285 words)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The Final Bequest<\/strong><\/p>\n

\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 It\u2019s hard to watch your best friend die.\u00a0 Harder still when you\u2019re the one that puts the noose around his neck.\u00a0 Pa says I did the right thing, and Adam, too, of course.\u00a0 Never any shades of gray with him, all black and white with never a doubt that he\u2019s done the right thing.\u00a0 Me, I always doubt myself, even when I know I\u2019m right.\u00a0 I was right this time, wasn\u2019t I . . . finally?\u00a0 Took me long enough to decide, but I think I knew from the very start that what Seth was asking me to do was wrong.\u00a0 Must be why I woke up screaming, \u201cSeth, no!\u201d like Adam told me later, \u2018cause I knew, deep down, Seth was wrong.\u00a0 He was my friend, though, my very best friend in all this world, next to Hoss, and as I watch him mount those stairs to the gallows, I can\u2019t help but feel like I\u2019ve betrayed him.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 It was either that or betray Sara, though.\u00a0 She had a right to know, didn\u2019t she, what kind of man she was marrying?\u00a0 Yes, that much I\u2019m sure of, \u2018cause once she knew that Seth had killed her father, she wanted no part of marrying him.\u00a0 What if she\u2019d found out years later, after they\u2019d had a nest of kids together?\u00a0 What if Seth yelled it out in a nightmare some dark night?\u00a0 No, I\u2019m the one with nightmares, not him, although he did say he had trouble sleeping nights.\u00a0 Did he, really, or was that just a lie to keep me quiet?\u00a0 Guess I\u2019ll never know for sure, same as I\u2019ll never know for sure just why he killed Mr. Edwards, out of some twisted sense of mercy or just plain greed.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 It\u2019s hard to watch your best friend die.\u00a0 Harder still when you\u2019re the one that takes his life.\u00a0 Joe thinks that I don\u2019t understand.\u00a0 He\u2019s forgotten that I\u2019m the one, above all others, who can, because I\u2019m the one who\u2019s been there.\u00a0 That never crossed Joe\u2019s mind, I\u2019m sure.\u00a0 Can\u2019t blame him, though, with all the turmoil he\u2019s been through the last few weeks: first carrying the secret, then turning in his friend and after that having to testify against him at the trial.\u00a0 Untouched meals, screams in the night, last night the worst of all, knowing what would happen today.\u00a0 It\u2019s eating him alive, even now.\u00a0 I can see the hurt in those expressive eyes, the glimmer of unshed tears, and I want to help the kid.\u00a0 But I can\u2019t without dredging up all those dark memories, all that terrible grief, and I\u2019m not sure I can bear it, even now.\u00a0 Let the memories surface and I\u2019ll be the one waking up in a cold sweat in the middle of the night, just as I did those first few sleepless nights after\u00a0 . . .\u00a0 oh, Ross! I didn\u2019t want to put that bullet in you, anymore than Joe wanted to turn Seth over to the law.\u00a0\u00a0 We both just did what we had to do, but how does a man convince himself of that when his own heart cries traitor?<\/p>\n

\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0Why didn\u2019t I see it sooner, that dark side of his heart?\u00a0 I thought I knew him inside out.\u00a0 Should have; I\u2019d known him long enough.\u00a0 I mean, we were kids together, from the time I started school.\u00a0 No, not quite that soon.\u00a0 Seth came a year later, and I\u2019ll never forget the day we met.\u00a0 I was in the middle of a fight, like usual.\u00a0 Don\u2019t remember what it was about, but it wasn\u2019t hard to trigger my temper back then.\u00a0\u00a0 Pa says it still ain\u2019t as hard as it should be, even now that I\u2019m grown, but as a kid, all it took was someone making some snide remark about Hoss at recess.\u00a0 That was probably it, \u2018cause I remember how those bigger boys used to say things about him, more to rile me than to hurt him.\u00a0 Guess they thought it was funny to see a little mite like me flare up to defend big ole Hoss, and I stepped right into the trap, every time.\u00a0 Usually, Hoss would wade in and settle things before I got hurt, but he wasn\u2019t around that day.\u00a0 Can\u2019t remember why, but I was on my own . . . and losing, \u2018til Seth came along.\u00a0 He just pitched in and started punching those bullies alongside me, and somehow we managed to hold our own \u2018til the teacher came running and stopped the scuffle.<\/em><\/p>\n

Seth and I talked a few minutes before we had to go back in the classroom.\u00a0 We introduced ourselves, and I thanked him for helping me out.\u00a0 Seth said he just hadn\u2019t liked the odds, but I saw it different\u2014saw him different, I mean.\u00a0 Guess I sort of looked up to him like some kind of hero, never dreaming we\u2019d become friends.\u00a0 He was older than me by a year, his size making him look older than that, at least to me.\u00a0 But, then, practically everybody was older and bigger back then.\u00a0 Okay, \u2018most everybody still is\u2014bigger, I mean.\u00a0 Runt of the litter, Hoss calls me when he\u2019s riled and Shortshanks, even when he\u2019s not.\u00a0 Now I take the teasing about my size in stride\u2014well, most of the time\u2014but back then it meant something to me to have someone older and bigger side with me, when he could have thrown in with those bullies, instead.\u00a0 It made me feel special.\u00a0 I had other friends, lots of \u2018em, and I didn\u2019t like them less than I had before, but I took to hanging around Seth more and more.\u00a0 And he let me, runt that I was, but I didn\u2019t feel like a runt when I was with him; I stood tall when I stood next to Seth, and I liked the feeling.<\/em><\/p>\n

Why didn\u2019t I see it sooner, that darkness descending over my friend?\u00a0 I thought I knew him like the inside of my hat.\u00a0 It took us awhile to get acquainted, partly because of the way Ross was: quiet and shy, hanging back from any group, instead of putting himself forward like some of the other loud-mouthed kids in the territory.\u00a0 I first noticed him at a shooting competition one sunny Fourth of July.\u00a0 Boy, that skinny kid could handle a rifle!\u00a0 He didn\u2019t fare as well as I did in that contest, but I lay the blame for that at his pa\u2019s doorstep.\u00a0 There\u2019s a lot of blame to be laid at that doorstep, maybe more than I ever thought.\u00a0 Anyway, I think Ross would have stood a chance of beating me that day if his pa hadn\u2019t put so much pressure on him to win.\u00a0 It\u2019s always harder to shoot straight and steady when you have to, when too much rides on a single shot.\u00a0 That\u2019s how Ross felt that day, like he had to win, to earn his pa\u2019s respect.\u00a0 I knew Pa would be proud of me, regardless of how the contest turned out, and that assurance gave me the calm confidence I needed to come out on top.\u00a0 Ross did almost as well, but instead of being proud, his pa landed a swat on his backside, harder than Little Joe usually got for bonafide mischief.<\/p>\n

Joe . . . that\u2019s who I ought to be thinking about, not Ross, not myself.\u00a0 He looks so\u2014I don\u2019t know\u2014distant, maybe . . . like his mind\u2019s far away . . . or maybe fixed on long ago, like mine has been, like it has to be when I think about Ross, because what came later is just too hard to think about.\u00a0 So I ignore the pain and think about the good times, instead.<\/p>\n

Good times.\u00a0 That\u2019s what me and Seth had together\u2014so many good times, a lot of them with Sara in tow.\u00a0 How we ever became a threesome is beyond me.\u00a0 Last thing in the world I wanted was some girl hanging around, and in the beginning, at least, Seth felt the same.\u00a0 But Sara kept tagging along, whether we wanted her or not, and I guess we just sort of got used to her bein\u2019 there.\u00a0 Wasn\u2019t so bad, really, \u2018cause Sara was different from other girls; she was what folks call a tomboy, I guess.\u00a0 She liked to roam the woods and fish and swim, and she was \u2018most as good as any boy at all of \u2018em.\u00a0 Me, I still liked it better when she stayed home and it was just me and Seth, and we could skin down to our birthday suits and swim free as fish.\u00a0 Sometimes other fellas went along, too, but that was okay.\u00a0 Mitch and Tuck were good friends, too, probably better friends to me than Seth, at least in Pa\u2019s book, and maybe even in mine when I was honest with myself.\u00a0 Those two tended to hug the straight and narrow tighter than Seth, and Pa always seemed happier when I was with them, instead of my older friend.\u00a0 \u2018Course, Pa didn\u2019t know everything the four of us got into, and I\u2019m not about to tell him, even now.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Seth never did anything bad, though\u2014not real bad, I mean.\u00a0 We pulled some crazy stunts, I gotta admit, but I was as likely to be behind them as Seth.\u00a0 I could always count on him to go along with anything I suggested, even when Mitch and Tuck balked for fear of getting in trouble.\u00a0 That never seemed to bother Seth, even though he had more cause to fear than any of the rest of us.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Never did understand what made his uncle so hard on him, his brother\u2019s own boy.\u00a0 Took Seth in when his folks died, like family should, but never seemed to treat him like a son, the way Pa wanted to do for Cousin Will when Uncle John died and the way I think Pa\u2019s kin would have if I\u2019d lost my whole family like Seth did.\u00a0 Elijah Pruitt was hard on Seth, way too hard by my reckoning.\u00a0 I\u2019d even known him to take a razor strop to Seth for mischief that earned me no more than a long, slow raking over the coals.\u00a0 And once or twice he got worse than that.<\/em><\/p>\n

I never saw Pete Marquette raise a hand to Ross, other than an occasional swat on the backside, but he could do more harm with words than most men do with a whip.\u00a0 Like that day we all worked together to clear a landslide that had buried the old emigrant road.\u00a0 I got such an earful of Marquette\u2019s belittling and badgering that I just had to take up with Ross.\u00a0 That skinny kid needed a friend, if anyone ever had, so I volunteered to work alongside him and we managed to talk a little bit before Marquette hollered at Ross\u00a0 to quit slacking off.<\/p>\n

Later, we worked in the woods together, felling logs for the new schoolhouse, and since his pa wasn\u2019t around, Ross began to open up, like a flower slowing unfolding its petals to the sun.\u00a0 A bit poetic, I suppose, but I think that\u2019s what I was to Ross, the sunshine he needed to blossom.\u00a0 Our relationship wasn\u2019t one-sided, though, except in the beginning.\u00a0 I soon came to realize I was getting as much as I was giving.\u00a0 Ross was different from my other friends\u2014more sensitive, more thoughtful\u2014and I found I could share my inner thoughts, hopes and dreams with him, as I didn\u2019t feel free to do with anyone else, even those I\u2019d known longer.<\/p>\n

He didn\u2019t have a lot of book learning, didn\u2019t even finish grammar school, but we could talk about almost anything, even poetry or Shakespeare, and he\u2019d be interested.\u00a0 If he\u2019d had the chance, I think he might have enjoyed more schooling, but Pete Marquette was always bent on seeing Ross work with his back, instead of his brain.\u00a0 He\u2019s the one that pulled Ross out of school, claiming to need him around the place.\u00a0 That happened before I met Ross, but I doubt that I could have said anything to change his pa\u2019s mind, anyway.\u00a0 That was one stubborn man, stubborn and well nigh impossible to please.\u00a0\u00a0 Pushing, prodding, never satisfied, no matter how hard Ross tried, and the constant criticism ate holes in my friend\u2019s soul.\u00a0 Kid that I was, I could see that much.\u00a0 I tried to patch them up with well-earned praise whenever we were together, but I must have missed a few\u2014enough, maybe, to give the darkness a way in.\u00a0 Oh, I don\u2019t know!\u00a0 How can you ever really know what holes inhabit another man\u2019s soul?<\/p>\n

\u00a0Maybe it wasn\u2019t so much that Seth didn\u2019t worry about getting in trouble as that he knew how to squirm out of it.\u00a0 I probably picked up some of my talent for that from my friend, but Seth had ways I could never master.\u00a0 Wouldn\u2019t have wanted to, for that matter\u2014the lying, I mean.\u00a0 Seth could look his uncle right in the eye and tell a whopper with a straight face, while my face was an open book anytime I tried it with Pa.\u00a0 I learned the fine art of hedging, eventually, but just never could get comfortable with outright lying, knowing what store Pa set by honesty.\u00a0 I didn\u2019t think less of Seth for lying to his uncle, though; I knew what was likely to happen if he got caught, so I went along with it.\u00a0 Somehow, it was easier for me to cover for Seth with Mr. Pruitt than to lie to Pa about my own doings.\u00a0 Is that where it started, Seth lying and me covering up for him?\u00a0 Is that why he felt free to ask me to cover up the truth behind Mr. Edwards\u2019 death, because I\u2019d covered for him so many times before?\u00a0 Maybe the signs were there, even when we were kids, but I sure never saw them, never thought it could lead to what it did.<\/em><\/p>\n

Were there signs I should have seen that the Ross I knew was slipping away, his place being taken by that stranger he became?\u00a0 I think back to those days right after I returned from college.\u00a0 We\u2019d kept in touch by letter throughout my time away, and everything seemed the same between us as before I\u2019d left.\u00a0 We shared similar challenges, too.\u00a0 I was trying to find my place as second in command at the Ponderosa, and after Pete Marquette passed away, Ross was thrown into running the ranch on his own.\u00a0 It wasn\u2019t easy for either of us, convincing men older and more experienced to take orders from someone they viewed as a kid.\u00a0 I\u2019d had a taste of it, briefly, before I went to school, but I was dealing with a mostly new crew when I came back.\u00a0 They didn\u2019t know me, and I had to prove myself before they\u2019d accept me as their boss.<\/p>\n

It was tougher for Ross, whose father hadn\u2019t given him much responsibility before and hadn\u2019t shown him any respect in front of the men.\u00a0 Sometimes at the end of a hard day we\u2019d meet for a drink, usually at his place since that was more private, and we\u2019d commiserate together over the struggles of the day.\u00a0 I remember how determined Ross was to make a go of the Bar M, as if he were still trying to prove himself to the ghost of his father.\u00a0 He used to say I had it easy, with the Ponderosa already an established operation and Pa\u2019s authority to back me up if anyone balked at my orders.\u00a0 I resented the implications, but grudgingly conceded that he had a point.<\/p>\n

I did get tired of hearing how easy we had it at the Ponderosa, though, how much easier money made everything.\u00a0 Was that a sign I should have seen,\u00a0 that love of money the Good Book says is the root of all evil?\u00a0 Yeah, I knew Ross envied our prosperity; I knew he was keen to rake in the profits and make his spread a little Ponderosa of his own, but I just saw that as healthy ambition and laughed when he renamed his ranch the Silver Dollar.\u00a0 Never dreamed it was so he could make the Ponderosa his own\u2014one steer at a time.<\/p>\n

\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0Took me awhile to understand that we Cartwrights had more than most folks in the territory and that some folks resented us for that.\u00a0 Wasn\u2019t hard to see, of course, that my clothes tended to be newer than the ones my friends wore.\u00a0 Lots of them wore hand-me-downs from older brothers or sisters, but I kind of shrugged that off as just a case of them havin\u2019 family closer in size and age.\u00a0 I mean, can you see me wearing Hoss\u2019s hand-me-downs?\u00a0 Maybe I could\u2019ve worn Adam\u2019s if they\u2019d still been around, but there\u2019s an awful lot of space between him and me.\u00a0 I reckon some other needy little boy got those duds before I ever had a chance to grow into \u2018em.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Seth\u2019s clothes were shabbier than most \u2018cause anything he wore had passed through both of Mr. Pruitt\u2019s sons before it got to Seth, most generally with patches on elbows and knees.\u00a0 Seth\u2019s uncle never gave him any pocket money, either, so I\u2019d share mine, when I had it.\u00a0 We\u2019d hustle over to the general store after school (and sometimes during) to fill up on sour balls or gingerbread.\u00a0 I did the same with other friends from time to time, and after I figured out that the Cartwrights were considered rich, I sometimes wondered whether it was me or what I could buy them that earned me so many friends.\u00a0 Not Seth, though; I never doubted him.\u00a0 With us, it was always share and share alike; whichever of us had cash would treat the other.\u00a0 I honestly never thought he envied me until that day in the mine, when he said something about me havin\u2019 so much and havin\u2019 it so long that I just couldn\u2019t understand how he felt.\u00a0 Up \u2018til then I just plain missed how important money had become to my friend.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Seth did like to hear the jingle of coins in his pocket.\u00a0 Hard to blame him or any other man for that; I always smile a little brighter on payday, too.\u00a0 Besides, Seth worked hard for anything he got, startin\u2019 out pretty young.\u00a0 His uncle didn\u2019t pay him a cent for chores around the ranch, but so long as they were done, he didn\u2019t mind Seth hirin\u2019 himself out.\u00a0 Young kids don\u2019t earn much for the kind of work they can do, but even that little bit seemed to make a difference in the way Seth carried himself\u2014like the money made him stand taller, the way havin\u2019 him for friend did for me.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 I was happy for him when he went to work for Mr. Edwards.\u00a0 I knew Sara\u2019s father to be a fair man, and I knew he\u2019d do right by Seth, better than his uncle, who left everything to his own boys when he died and left Seth to fend for himself.\u00a0 Got to say this much for Seth; he never took the easy way out and just stole for a living.\u00a0 Well, a little petty pilfering when he was a kid, but he wasn\u2019t scared of hard work, couldn\u2019t be and do the kind of jobs he did.\u00a0 Personally, I wouldn\u2019t want to work underground, but Seth seemed to take to mining\u00a0 . . . or, maybe, just to the chance of bein\u2019 close to Sara.\u00a0 That\u2019s what I thought then, but now, when I can\u2019t sleep nights, I wonder if he didn\u2019t just like bein\u2019 around the stuff money was made of.<\/em><\/p>\n

It wasn\u2019t just money, though.\u00a0 That\u2019s not enough to explain what changed Ross.\u00a0 Sure, he wanted to succeed.\u00a0 What man doesn\u2019t?\u00a0 But few men turn to robbery and murder.\u00a0 I\u2019d never have believed that could happen to Ross, couldn\u2019t believe it when Pa and Roy Coffee first told me their suspicions\u2014still can\u2019t believe it, for that matter, though I saw the evidence with my own eyes.<\/p>\n

Was there other evidence, before, that I refused to notice?\u00a0 I can remember Ross being fascinated with the toughs of Virginia City, from that first time when we trailed after Sam Brown for pure sport, just kids too dumb to realize we were about to witness a killing.\u00a0 Sometimes we\u2019d be in a saloon in Virginia City, and some notorious chief would waltz in, spoiling for trouble.\u00a0 I was all for finishing our drinks as quickly as possible and getting out of there, but Ross would sip his beer all the more slowly, as if waiting for a show to start.\u00a0 I turned a blind eye, not willing to see any weakness in my friend, but now, as I look back on those days, I think maybe Ross admired those louts\u2014not because they were lawbreakers, but because they stood up for themselves and took nothing off anyone, the way he wished he could be with his pa.<\/p>\n

Ross was tough, too, though, in the right kind of way.\u00a0 I couldn\u2019t ask for a better man to stand with me when trouble threatened, as it often did in those rough early days of this territory.\u00a0 Courage, quick reflexes, steady gun hand\u2014all qualities you need in a man who stands by your side when danger is near\u2014and Ross had them all.\u00a0 But they were all there, too, the day he turned against me.<\/p>\n

\u00a0Don\u2019t exactly remember when I figured out that Seth and Sara had eyes for each other.\u00a0 Sometime after I figured out that she was good for something besides fishing and swimming and exploring caves, I guess, but I still never looked at her as anything but a friend or, maybe, the sister I never had.\u00a0 Like my pa said after hers died, she was always over at our place, and I was over at hers just as much.\u00a0 We liked bein\u2019 together, and when I started looking at girls differently, she\u2019d be the one I\u2019d talk to about whichever one I was buzzing around at the time.\u00a0 She\u2019d give me advice, sometimes, on which girls were right for me and which were plain trouble.\u00a0 I didn\u2019t always listen, but when I didn\u2019t, I generally wished I had.\u00a0 I did date Sara a time or two, but I just didn\u2019t feel about her the way a fella should about a girl he\u2019s romancing, even though she\u2019s everything a man could ask for in a woman.\u00a0 I guess I\u2019d just been around her too much as kids, and datin\u2019 her kind of felt like bein\u2019 out with Hoss.<\/em><\/p>\n

Seth grew up with her, too, though, and he sure didn\u2019t have any trouble falling head over heels.\u00a0 I think he was in love with her before I even started looking at girls.\u00a0 Seth was a year older than me, of course, and I can remember bein\u2019 disgusted with him for gettin\u2019 all moony-eyed over anything in a skirt.\u00a0 Kind of put a wedge between us for a little while, but then I started noticing how nice skirts could swish around a gal\u2019s ankles, and Seth seemed like the natural one to turn to for advice.\u00a0 I talked with Mitch and Tuck, too, of course, but they didn\u2019t know any more than me.\u00a0 Never occurred to me to talk to my brothers.\u00a0 Hoss was slow to ask any girl out and awkward as a cow caught in the mud when he finally did get started, and Adam\u2014well, askin\u2019 Adam for advice about anything personal just never crossed my mind back then, though I did pick up some of the finer points of flirting from peeking through the bushes, so to speak.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Sara shared the same feeling for Seth that he had for her, and I couldn\u2019t have been happier the day they told me that they were going to get married.\u00a0 I know a marriage is something just between a man and a woman, but I felt like part of it from the first, maybe because both of them were like family to me.\u00a0 I was looking forward to seeing Sara walk down the aisle of the church on her pa\u2019s arm, while I stood beside Seth at the front, watching her beautiful brown eyes shine with love and eagerness to start their lives together.\u00a0 Oh, Seth, why\u2019d you have to spoil that picture?\u00a0 Why\u2019d you have to kill her pa?\u00a0 I know what you told me, that it was just to spare him and her a lifetime of pain, but I can\u2019t forget what you said later, either, that you and him hadn\u2019t been gettin\u2019 along so good, that he didn\u2019t want you to marry Sara.\u00a0 That good and wise old man, he saw something, didn\u2019t he?\u00a0 Something I should have seen, but didn\u2019t.<\/em><\/p>\n

I\u2019ll never forget the shock that surged through me when Ross accused me of carrying on with his wife.\u00a0 How could he possibly have thought that?\u00a0 Wasn\u2019t I the one who introduced him to Delphine, the one who pushed him to ask her out that first time?\u00a0 And I had to push hard, too!\u00a0 Ross was a gawky kid, awkward and shy as Hoss around girls, and just couldn\u2019t believe one would pick him over me.\u00a0 My time back east had smoothed any rough edges I\u2019d had before, and women did respond to my more sophisticated approach.\u00a0 I knew Ross envied my \u201cway with women,\u201d as he called it, and I suppose that\u2019s when those first seeds of jealousy must have been planted.<\/p>\n

But Delphine?\u00a0 He had to be insane to think that she and I\u2014she never had eyes for anyone but Ross, from the moment they met, and even after he\u2019d beaten her, all she thought about was him\u2014how he was doing, if he needed her\u2014up to the very end.\u00a0 Some women like to mother a man and are just naturally attracted to the kind that seem to need it.\u00a0 It seems to me that it was that way with Ross and Del.\u00a0 They were a perfect match, him with a need for love and her with a need to give it.\u00a0\u00a0 I was thrilled to stand up with Ross at their wedding, not just because I was proud to be his best man, but because I knew he\u2019d found a woman he could live happily ever after with, as the fairy tales proclaim.<\/p>\n

But life\u2019s no fairy tale, is it?\u00a0 You\u2019d think, after all I\u2019ve seen Pa go through, I\u2019d have given up on \u201chappily ever after\u201d long ago, but maybe I thought it was only Cartwrights who were doomed to limited love and short-term happiness.\u00a0 Five years\u2014that\u2019s all Ross and Del had together before something inside him snapped.\u00a0 I\u2019ll probably never know what triggered it: the loss of his herd that winter, some chance remark or exchange of concerned glances between me and Del or something no one could guess.\u00a0 Whatever it was, none of us saw it coming, and Del paid for our blindness with her life . . . and then Ross with his.<\/p>\n

\u00a0So I finally saw the truth, with a little help from Pa and Adam and words from Seth\u2019s own mouth.\u00a0 Didn\u2019t make it any easier, though, to haul my friend, my best friend, in to Sheriff Coffee and tell what I knew.\u00a0 And then to tell Sara.\u00a0 Thought I\u2019d never live through that.\u00a0 Seth was right about one thing; the truth did hurt her, sliced a knife right through her, and I felt like I was the one holding it.\u00a0 In the end, though, when the telling was done, it was Sara I was holding, and she was clinging to me, crying her heart out and begging me to take her to Seth.\u00a0 Guess she couldn\u2019t believe it, either, \u2018til she heard it from his own mouth.\u00a0 That was something I could understand, so I took her.\u00a0 It was hard going back to that jail, listening to Seth call me traitor and refuse to see me, but when Sara came out of the cell block and I drove her home, she thanked me for digging out the truth and having the courage to bring Seth in.\u00a0 Her heart was broken, but I think she saw, even in those first awful hours, that I\u2019d spared her worse pain later on.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 And all it cost me was my lifelong friend.<\/em><\/p>\n

Hardest thing I ever did, drawing down on my friend.\u00a0 I had no choice; I know that, but those last moments still haunt me.\u00a0 Ross was so far gone by then that he didn\u2019t even recognize me and just kept firing no matter how much I called to him.\u00a0 It was instinct, that God-given determination to stay alive, that made me fire back after he wounded me.\u00a0 If I hadn\u2019t, I\u2019d be the one lying dead in the sand, and even that sacrifice wouldn\u2019t have saved Ross.\u00a0 Someone else would have gunned him down, like the mad dog he\u2019d become, and while the guilt might be less that way, the grief would still be as strong.<\/p>\n

I think it was harder for Joe, all that time stewing over the secret he was hiding.\u00a0 Partly because he\u2019s still so young and partly because he\u2019s just the kind of kid who takes things hard.\u00a0 We all knew something was wrong, of course.\u00a0 Unlike Ross, the signs are easy to read when Joe\u2019s upset.\u00a0\u00a0 The kid\u2019s always been a tough nut to crack, though, never owning up to a problem until he\u2019s exhausted all his own resources for coping with it.\u00a0 In a way, I was waiting for that moment, and when we were alone, out with the herd, I sort of sensed that he might be ready to talk.\u00a0 Nearly keeled over myself when he blurted out the truth so bluntly:\u00a0 \u201cHe killed him.\u201d<\/p>\n

Just three words, and the world rocked beneath us.\u00a0\u00a0 They came out so fast that I knew Joe had been wanting to say them for a long time, but I still could barely believe what I was hearing.\u00a0 Though I\u2019d suspected Joe\u2019s inner turmoil had something to do with Sara and her loss, none of us guessed the horror that was chewing away inside that sensitive kid brother of mine.\u00a0 I stayed calm, for his sake, and gave what I still believe to have been good counsel.\u00a0 Joe seemed to accept it, to be ready to act on it, but the next time I saw him, he was packing up to leave, working hard to convince himself that two wrongs actually could make a right, and wouldn\u2019t listen to anything I said.\u00a0 Well, that\u2019s my little brother; just when I think I\u2019ve got him figured out, he twists off in a new direction.\u00a0 Ultimately, he did the right thing, but no matter how much Pa, Hoss and I\u2014and even Sara\u2014assured him of that, the pain never left those veiled eyes.\u00a0 I think he wanted to hear it from the one person who would never say it.<\/p>\n

\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0I tried, time after time, to see Seth, while he waited in jail for the trial to begin.\u00a0 I wanted him to know that I was still his friend and that I\u2019d stand by him, whatever came.\u00a0 Every time, though, he yelled out that he didn\u2019t want to see me, that he had no use for a turncoat traitor or the worse things he called me.\u00a0 Roy finally asked me to quit coming, said it wasn\u2019t doin\u2019 me or his prisoner any good, and I guess he was right about that, but it tore me to pieces.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 The trial was worse.\u00a0 Last thing in the world I wanted was to testify against my friend, but I was the only witness there was.\u00a0 Doc Martin testified, too, about the cause of death, but he couldn\u2019t say if the blow that killed Mr. Edwards was intentional or accidental.\u00a0 No, the jury had nothin\u2019 but my word that it had been murder, but they believed me.\u00a0 I almost wished they hadn\u2019t, especially after the judge sentenced Seth to hang.\u00a0 Though I had doubts myself, I\u2019d been hoping that the judge might believe he\u2019d killed Sara\u2019s father out of mercy and show my friend some mercy, too.\u00a0 I was hoping for jail time, but Seth got the rope.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 And now it\u2019s time.\u00a0 I try one last time to lock eyes with my friend, but he won\u2019t look at me, even now.\u00a0 He\u2019s gonna die hating me, and I think I may hate myself forever, for doing this to him, but then I think of Sara and know I had to.\u00a0 As the trap door springs open, I turn away; I can\u2019t bear to look.\u00a0 I feel Pa\u2019s hand on my shoulder, and I know Hoss and Adam are close by, too, but I feel alone . . .\u00a0 so very alone.<\/em><\/p>\n

Long, quiet ride home.\u00a0 Joe doesn\u2019t say a word, and none of us knows how to break through that wall he has built around himself.\u00a0 Dinner\u2019s on the table by the time we get home, but no one is surprised when Joe says he isn\u2019t hungry.\u00a0 I make an effort to eat myself, but everything tastes like sawdust in my mouth, thinking about that kid suffering outside.\u00a0 I finally leave the table and go out, but I can\u2019t quite bring myself to intrude on his privacy.\u00a0 So I just stand here outside the front door, watching him slumped on the porch step, wishing I had the words to bring peace to the kid\u2019s soul, like Hoss did to mine.<\/p>\n

\u201cHe was a friend, then; he didn\u2019t die a stranger.\u201d\u00a0 What a world of comfort in those simple words from that big-hearted brother of mine!\u00a0 I don\u2019t know how the big lug does it, cuts right to the heart of a problem and puts it in perspective with words simple enough for a child to understand, simple enough even for the book-befuddled brain of a college graduate to fathom.\u00a0 It\u2019s a gift, pure and simple, as much as my ability to play the guitar or Joe\u2019s to charm the birds from the trees.\u00a0 Ross did come back to himself after I put that bullet in him; in the final moments he was the friend I\u2019d always known, but it took Hoss\u2019s words to bring that home to me.<\/p>\n

I long to say those words to Joe, but for him, they wouldn\u2019t ring true.\u00a0 Seth didn\u2019t die a friend . . . or even a stranger; he died an enemy, and that\u2019s what\u2019s ripping my little brother apart.\u00a0 What can I possibly say that would help?\u00a0 I don\u2019t have Hoss\u2019s gift, but somehow I sense that this time the comfort has to come from me, that I hold the key to unlock Joe\u2019s pain and set his heart free, but I just don\u2019t know how to start.\u00a0 Perhaps with a touch . . .<\/p>\n

\u00a0I feel a hand on my shoulder and know whose it is, just by the feel of it.\u00a0 What\u2019s he doin\u2019 here?\u00a0 Can\u2019t he tell I want to be by myself?\u00a0 \u201cLeave me alone, Adam.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cLet me help.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou can\u2019t; you don\u2019t understand.\u201d\u00a0 The grip on my shoulder tightens, forcing me to look up, and I see my brother\u2019s eyes flooded with concern for me.\u00a0 My lip starts to tremble, from the strain of holding everything in.\u00a0 \u201cHow could you understand?\u201d I whisper, wishing with all my heart that he could, that this was one of those little-boy hurts that big brothers can heal, but knowing that black-is-black-and-white-is-white Adam would never find himself in a spot like this.<\/em><\/p>\n

A tear trickles from the corner of my eye and words choke in my throat, \u2018til I\u2019m able to croak out only one: \u201cRoss.\u201d\u00a0 The light dawns in those brimming eyes, and suddenly my little brother is on his feet, sobbing out my name, falling into my outstretched arms, and as I comfort Joe, comfort is renewed inside me, too.\u00a0 What happened between me and Ross suddenly takes on new meaning, for that time, hard as it was, has imparted to me something I could not otherwise share, something my little brother now desperately needs.\u00a0 I hold him close, knowing that I am giving him what no one else can, the knowledge that someone else has walked before the path he now must tread.\u00a0 I may never be as adept at this kind of thing as Hoss, but I, too, have been given a gift, and of all the gifts Ross gave me through the years, this final bequest, the gift of an understanding heart, is the most precious of all.\u00a0 Be at peace, little brother.\u00a0 I can\u2019t say the words yet, but somehow I\u2019ll help you understand that what happened between you and Seth was not without purpose, either, but is meant to birth something invaluable inside you that you may one day pass on to another, as I do now to you.\u00a0 Be at peace, little buddy, and until you find your own, take hold and rest in mine.<\/p>\n

\u00a0The End<\/p>\n

September, 2002<\/p>\n

\u00a0The characters of Seth Pruitt\u00a0 and Sara Edwards were first presented in \u201cThe Quality of Mercy\u201d by Peter Packer and those of Ross and Delphine Marquette in \u201cThe Dark Gate\u201d by Al C. Ward.\u00a0\u00a0 The family background and early lives of both young men, as presented here, are the invention of the author.\u00a0 Sam Brown is a historical figure; for a detailed account of Adam and Ross\u2019s encounter with him, referred to here, please read \u201cA Dream\u2019s Darkest Hour\u201d by the author.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Summary: \u00a0A retrospective on two episodes of Bonanza, The Quality of Mercy and The Dark Gate. \u00a0Adam and Joe each contemplate the death of a best friend.<\/p>\n

Rated: K+ \u00a0 (6,285 words)<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":48,"featured_media":3721,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"template-full-width-post.php","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2},"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_members_access_role":[],"_members_access_error":""},"categories":[1091,13],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-5345","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-adam-joe","category-whn","wpcat-1091-id","wpcat-13-id"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/04\/adam-joe-c.jpg?fit=245%2C230&ssl=1","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5345","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/48"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=5345"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5345\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/3721"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=5345"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=5345"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=5345"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}