{"id":5364,"date":"2014-04-15T06:06:42","date_gmt":"2014-04-15T10:06:42","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=5364"},"modified":"2025-02-18T19:17:10","modified_gmt":"2025-02-19T00:17:10","slug":"my-name-is-dorcas","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=5364","title":{"rendered":"My Name is Dorcas (by Krystyna)"},"content":{"rendered":"

Summary<\/strong>: Young love can be so real that it hurts, and it can grow stronger as years go by. When Dorcas returned to Virginia City her love for Joe Cartwright was as strong as the day she rode away from him aged 6. But can he love her in return?<\/p>\n

Rated: K+ (29,890 words)<\/p>\n

The final page contains reviews\/comments from the Old BonanzaBrand.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

My Name is Dorcas<\/strong><\/p>\n

I can remember the day my Mother took my brother and me to watch a pantomime. I remember how tightly I held her hand because large crowds frightened me and I was being pressed on every side by so many people. There was such a gabble of voices that I was feeling sick inside my stomach by the noise. My brother who was three years older than me was very bold and just marched on up the carpeted stairs to find our seats.<\/p>\n

My Mother handed the tickets to the big man with moustaches who stood at the door, he had looked at them, and then looked at us, smiled and opened the door wide for us to go into the theatre. He even patted me on the head and made my bonnet go awry so that I had to fidget about to set it straight again.<\/p>\n

People were coming in and taking their seats all around us. The buzz of noise that was everywhere seemed to echo all around me in this vast auditorium and the men in the orchestra pit were getting their instruments ready for the performance.<\/p>\n

I sat down and pulled off my bonnet. I looked all around me and saw golden cherubs, golden roses, and golden ribbons decorating scarlet velvet drapes and oh, it was like entering a magic world. Even though the plush on the seats prickled my legs through my skirt I felt myself lifted up and buoyant. I was entranced.<\/p>\n

I had never stepped inside such a place before that evening. I can see myself now, a little girl of five years old, eyes wide and round, mouth just as wide and round, and as still as a mouse. The buzz of voices died down. Music began and I can see myself leaning forward, ready to drink in all the wonders of those brief few hours, captivated and transported to another world and then rather rudely returned back to the bleak reality of my own life.<\/p>\n

The performance was Cinderella. My heart tightened inside when I saw the poor little girl struggling to make everyone happy and not succeeding, so poor, so hungry and cold. Like me, I thought, like me. Then the fairy godmother coming and everything turning out wonderful for her. Oh, how pretty, how lovely, how wonderful.<\/p>\n

Then the lights dimmed, there was the applause and the actors coming to take their bow. The music ended. I remember how I just sat there waiting for it all to happen again, and wondering where all the magic had gone.<\/p>\n

Mother came and took my hand. I protested that I didn\u2019t want to go, and started to cry. People passed by and smiled at us, and Mother got embarrassed and gave me a little shake. I looked at the stage and realised that my few hours of wonderment were now over.<\/p>\n

We left the theatre, Mother taking my hand tightly in her own, and bowing her head against the sleet that was throwing itself at us. I saw others getting into carriages, little girls with thick coats with their hands in muffs and pretty boots buttoned right up being lifted into the carriages by their foot men. I wondered why it was that I had to walk in my thin coat and dress against the bleak wind and sleet with my Mother who coughed so much and my brother who spoke so little.<\/p>\n

Father was home already when we arrived and he picked me up and swung me high. I loved my Father. Oh I could hug him and hug him even now if only he were still alive. I held him close that night because I knew that it was because of him that we had been able to get to the theatre.<\/p>\n

My Mother had explained it all as we had walked there earlier. Father had found a wallet with lots of money in it. I mean, really a lot of money. We were poor people and father worked in a foundry to pay all the bills but there was never enough money to get us things like pretty clothes and tickets to the theatre. One of the things I loved about my father was that he was SO honest. He had looked at the wallet and found an address in it and took the wallet right to the house and asked if he could see the master there.<\/p>\n

He told us that he just knew the wallet didn\u2019t belong to anyone else there; there was just too much money in it for it to belong to any of the servants. He was allowed into the hallway and told to wait. He said he had never seen so many people standing around doing precious little for their keep as he did then. He had to wait ten minutes before a man came and asked him what he wanted.<\/p>\n

\u201cAre you Mr Ruthven?\u201d he asked very politely, and when the man said he was Mr Ruthven\u2019s butler, and it wasn\u2019t Mr Ruthven\u2019s policy to see people the likes of my father, well, my father was all for turning right round and walking home, with the wallet. He just drew himself up real tall and said, \u201cPlease ask Mr Ruthven if I have his permission to spend what I have found which I believe he has lost \u2026\u201d and he stared that butler right in the eye as though to say, \u2018So there!\u201d<\/p>\n

A big tall man came next. He had reddish hair and Father said he had the biggest moustache he had ever seen. He walked down the stairs and came face to face with my father,<\/p>\n

\u201cI believe you found something that I recently lost?\u201d he said in a haughty voice.<\/p>\n

\u201cI did, sir. If you could care to tell me what you lost then perhaps it might be the thing I found.\u201d<\/p>\n

The man must have liked the way my Father spoke up to him for he smiled and told my father he had lost his wallet and it had contained a lot of money. How much exactly was my Father\u2019s next question and the man had gone rather red in the face at that and said how much, and then father produced the wallet and put it in the mans hands.<\/p>\n

The man thanked my Father and turned away from him. My father said that he was thinking how arrogant these people were who had so much money that they couldn\u2019t even spare time to say \u2018Thank you\u2019 like most folk would, when the man turned,<\/p>\n

\u201cTell me, do you have children?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cTwo, sir, a boy and a little girl.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI have none, but -\u201d he put his hand in his pocket and took out some tickets, the tickets father later gave mother for the theatre. \u201cTake these, for your children. Leave your name and address with my man here, I may contact you later.\u201d<\/p>\n

My father said that he stood there a while with his mouth open, just staring at the tickets and wondering what to say, so he said \u2018Thank you\u2019 and left the house.<\/p>\n

That was how we got to see the theatre and I saw wonderful magic and was so happy for a few hours.<\/p>\n

That was how my father got involved with Mr Ruthven and within a few weeks my father was dead because of Mr Ruthven. I never knew what had happened, or how it happened. I only know that father stopped working for the foundry and started working for Mr Ruthven because my father was so honest.<\/p>\n

I remember being asleep and there was a loud knock on the door. It kept on and on until it woke us all up. Mother went to the door and I heard some voices, very low, very quiet. I lay there shivering for the night was cold, my blanket was thin and some kind of fear tickled the bottom of my stomach. Then I heard my mother give a cry, like a scream, like an animal caught in a trap. I heard my brother\u2019s footsteps running down the hall to the door but I couldn\u2019t move. I kept my eyes tightly shut and curled myself into as small a ball as I could. I was scared to move in case I was sick.<\/p>\n

After that a lot happened all at once. There were policemen coming to the house. Mother went away during the day and then when she came home she would sit down and cry. Later on a lady came to the house. She was called Madeleine Ruthven. She wore a very beautiful black gown with a cape that shone with black jet beads sewn on it. She looked so lovely sitting there beside my mother who was dressed in her best black dress that was shiny from so much wear, and in some places worn through. They spoke together for a long time, their heads close together and their voices very low. Richard and I had been banished to our rooms, but we lingered near the door so that we could overhear what they were saying. None of it made sense to me, so after a while I went to the window and looked out into the street.<\/p>\n

It had been snowing and there were heaps of snow piled up in the street. We lived in a brownstone tenement in New York. There were lots of families like mine here. We were America\u2019s poor, but we were honest, hard working and we loved our country. We also got sick easily, went hungry often, and couldn\u2019t always get to school. Richard and I were more fortunate than many because Mother had been a teacher before she got married, so she taught us the necessary three R\u2019s.<\/p>\n

Then suddenly we were packing things away into boxes. Mother had a new coat and bonnet and boots, as did Richard and I. I doubt if we ever looked so smart in all our lives and I can still remember the wonderment I felt when I had seen those clothes laid out on the bed in front of me. But, here we were, ready to say good bye to New York, to our tenement and our neighbours. I hadn\u2019t a clue where we were going but held onto my mother\u2019s hand as we went to the railway station. I looked about me at everything with a little thrill of excitement trickling through every bone. Perhaps the lady in black had been our fairy godmother, and now we were going to be whisked away to a wonderful, wonderful new world.<\/p>\n

Well, we ended up in Virginia City, and it was during our journey there that I first met up with Joseph Cartwright.<\/p>\n

Oh, I should mention, my name is Dorcas.<\/p>\n

Chapter 2.<\/p>\n

The journey was so long. Every morning I would wake up determined to enjoy the day, to be less annoying to mother, and to be good. I tried very hard but I often failed. The train journey was so long, so long and tedious. For a little girl of five it was very hard to just look out of the window and enjoy the views that flashed pass. I slept often, and woke up hot and dusty.<\/p>\n

Mother was always trying very hard to be patient, kind and lovely. It wasn\u2019t difficult for her, not really. She was everything that was good and lovely. That was why my father had loved her so much. She wasn\u2019t tall, she wasn\u2019t thin, she was brown haired and blue eyed. She had a smile that was like the sun coming out from behind a cloud. I wanted to be like her but it didn\u2019t happen. I was always too thin, too tall, and too gangly. Richard was like my mother though, even down to the smile. I suppose that was why he and Joseph got on so well.<\/p>\n

Eventually we got to where we had to catch a stagecoach. The Overland stage it was called and it was very, very uncomfortable. I was squished in between a fat man who insisted he had to sit by the window, and my mother, and Richard. Opposite us was a very imposing man called Ben Cartwright, his son Joseph, and another man who was called Mr Hansworth.<\/p>\n

Joseph Cartwright was called Little Joe. I don\u2019t think he wanted to be called that in front of us, because he went a bit red in the face first few times, but eventually he got so used to it, and so did we, that it didn\u2019t matter so much. He was thin and not so very tall. He was 7 years old when we met and he and his Pa were on their way back to Virginia City from a trip to friends in San Francisco. I don\u2019t think I had ever seen a boy who so resembled a floor mop before and who talked so much. He had the most amazing tumble of thick curly hair I\u2019d ever seen. He was also a mass of freckles and had lost two teeth.<\/p>\n

At first we had just sat looking at one another, and Mr Cartwright had been very courteous and introduced himself and Joe to us, and he introduced Mr Hansworth and the other man and then Ma introduced herself and us.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m Alicia Mannering and these are my children, Richard and Dorcas\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cA pretty name for a pretty little girl,\u201d Mr Cartwright said and he shook my hand very nicely, and then he said something nice to Richard and shook his hand too, but I was too wrapped up in the fact that someone had said I was pretty. Pa had been the only person to tell me that, and Ma of course, but I had never really believed them.<\/p>\n

Mr Hansworth introduced himself, and was very softly spoken. He was the Bank Manager of the First National Bank in Virginia City. After the introductions everyone sat back as though wondering what to say next. Mother looked out of the window and I watched Joe and Richard while I hugged into her.<\/p>\n

Oh this journey had been so very long. I was so tired of all the different places we had slept in, all the different vehicles we had travelled on, and the fact that it just never seemed to come to an end. I never knew how my mother had managed to pay for the different boarding houses and travelling expenses, I wasn\u2019t even sure then why we were going so far from New York, all I knew was that I had nothing now to call my own but the clothes I wore and the doll that I kept with me. Her name was Clarabelle.<\/p>\n

Richard and Joe looked at one another, as though working out whether or not going beyond that stage would be worth while. Richard was the older of the two. My brother was a nice looking boy, very dependable and with a good sense of humour. His grey blue eyes looked at Joe\u2019s face and he smiled, Joe smiled. That was all it took for the two of them to decide that they were going to be good friends.<\/p>\n

\u201cDo you play baseball?\u201d Richard asked.<\/p>\n

\u201cNope.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou don\u2019t? Ain\u2019tcha got a baseball team back home?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNope – just me and my brother. I got me a pony.\u201d a gap toothed smile followed this statement.<\/p>\n

\u201cA real one?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSure a real one. He\u2019s called Brandy.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIs he big?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBig enough.\u201d Joe looked over at me, \u201cDo you have a pony?\u201d he asked but I just shook my head and ducked away from them, hiding more closely under my mother\u2019s arm.<\/p>\n

\u201cThere ain\u2019t no place in New York tenements to keep a pony,\u201d Richard explained gravely.<\/p>\n

\u201cOh.\u201d Joe nodded as though he understood. He told me later he didn\u2019t even know what a tenement was so he wasn\u2019t really so clever. \u201cYou can come and ride mine if you like.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cCan I?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSure you can.\u201d he grinned at Richard, this was a seal of friendship. I just knew that it wouldn\u2019t include me, so left them to their chatter.<\/p>\n

Mother was talking in her soft voice, telling them how father had recently died and that she was travelling to Virginia City to join her brother. At last, now I knew why we were taking this journey. I hadn\u2019t realised I had an uncle in Virginia City. I wondered if she had ever mentioned it, or whether I had shut myself off in a little world of my own so completely that it hadn\u2019t penetrated my consciousness.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat\u2019s your brother\u2019s name?\u201d Mr Hansworth asked kindly.<\/p>\n

\u201cMichael Burgess. He runs a store.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh yes, of course. I know Mr Burgess.\u201d Mr Hansworth smiled and nodded, \u201cWill you be working with him in the store, Mrs Mannering?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cPossibly.\u201d a little furrow appeared across Mother\u2019s brow, \u201cI was a teacher before I had the children -\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cA school teacher?\u201d Mr Cartwright interrupted, \u201cBut that\u2019s wonderful. It\u2019s just what Virginia City needs.\u201d<\/p>\n

Mr Hansworth looked at Mother and then at Mr Cartwright, and then I saw him smile as well, and he nodded,<\/p>\n

\u201cWe surely do. We\u2019ve only recently began to build the school house and were going to advertise in papers back east for a teacher. Would you consider taking on the position, Mrs Mannering.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t know,\u201d Mother sat back against the hard surface of the seat and looked at them both, \u201cWouldn\u2019t it be better for me to have a proper interview?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cMadam, I\u2019m afraid that we are yet not so civilised as back east. If we see an opportunity come by, we grab at it in case we lose out on it altogether.\u201d Mr Cartwright laughed, a warm, deep treacle laugh. It made me smile and he smiled back at me, \u201cYou\u2019d come to school if your Mama was the teacher, wouldn\u2019t you, Dorcas?\u201d<\/p>\n

I nodded and clung tighter than ever to Clarabelle. I saw, out of the corner of my eye, Joe and Richard look at one another and express disgust at the very thought.<\/p>\n

So that was how my Mother became the first school teacher at the Virginia City school, built from Ponderosa pine, and having exactly nine pupils.<\/p>\n

Chapter 3<\/p>\n

My Uncle Burgess, as he preferred to be called, was a quiet man. He was very polite and formal. He shook our hands and welcomed us as we clambered down from the stagecoach. He took Mother\u2019s bag and asked a porter to carry the big trunk and valise to the store, but Richard and I were left to carry our own things. Not that they amounted to much nor were they very heavy but it just showed that right from the start he didn\u2019t really want to be too involved with us.<\/p>\n

Mr Cartwright, Mr Hansworth and the man whose name I can\u2019t remember tipped their hats to Mother and bade her farewell, they all shook our hands too and Mr Cartwright gave us each some money \u2018for candy\u2019. Mr Hansworth said to Mother that she was to visit him as soon as possible so that arrangements could be made about her \u2018position\u2019. I saw my Uncle look rather surprised and cast an anxious look at my Mother. I wondered if he would be angry because he got the same kind of furrow on his brow as Mother would get if she were displeased about anything.<\/p>\n

Virginia City at this time was nothing like it is now. This was 1849 and there were very few real buildings. Those that existed were very new and stood out as grand and tall. There were many people milling around though, streaming out from shanty cabins, tents and odd looking \u2018homes\u2019 made up of barrels and tarpaulin. There was a really big half built timber frame place with tarpaulin flapping about with a big wooden sign saying Saloon.<\/p>\n

I had never seen so many people so clearly defined as very rich or very poor. I wondered in which category we slipped into and decided we were the very poor. I held onto Clarabelle as tightly as possible. I don\u2019t think I had ever seen so many children with such obvious signs of poverty upon them. They were there because their fathers had the \u2018gold fever\u2019 and most times the \u2018gold fever\u2019 ended up with pneumonia or tuberculosis and death. At the same time, some of those children would suddenly be swept into wealth and live their lives riding around in carriages, going to school in Europe, never knowing hunger again. That was the lottery of their lives.<\/p>\n

Uncle Burgess took us to one of the buildings and opened the door. It was the store. A big double fronted store that sold just about everything, or rather, in my ignorance at that time, it seemed as though it did. Through the door we traipsed and came to another –<\/p>\n

\u201cThis is your home.\u201d he said simply and we stepped in behind him and entered a big room.<\/p>\n

Mother looked around her and smiled. It was so light and so big. She touched the back of a chair, an ornament, the table. She looked at Burgess and smiled,<\/p>\n

\u201cThank you, Burgess.\u201d<\/p>\n

He was pleased that she liked it, and pointed out the other rooms. I looked about and saw some cobwebs and the biggest ever spiders. Richard had gone to the window and was looking out at the yard.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhere\u2019s your room, Burgess?\u201d Mother asked and he smiled,<\/p>\n

\u201cI live upstairs, above the store. I – I haven\u2019t lived here since Gwen died.\u201d I watched his face then, his mouth tightened into a little button, and the furrow appeared on his brow just like the one Mother would have if she were worried or angry, \u201cI eat at the restaurant -\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBut you must eat here, with us, Burgess, now that we are here as family.\u201d she said that very kindly and he nodded, and touched her hand as though in gratitude.<\/p>\n

I hadn\u2019t seen any restaurant. Only those horrible tumble down buildings. Perhaps it was one of the new buildings that stood so tall and grand, but I don\u2019t think they cooked much good food from the looks of Uncle Burgess, he was just about as thin as a man could be and I felt sure that some of mothers good cooking would soon fatten him up.<\/p>\n

\u201cOf course, your help in the store will be of immense help,\u201d Burgess sighed, \u201cIt\u2019s always so busy -\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI shall help all I can,\u201d Mother replied, \u201cbut I have agreed to teach at the school.\u201d<\/p>\n

There was that little button mouth again. This time the furrow on his brow was really deep. It\u2019s hard for children to understand adults at times, mostly we tread around them by instinct, and my instinct told me that Uncle Burgess was not too pleased about this development. I looked over at Richard and joined him at the window.<\/p>\n

Mother and Uncle retreated to where the kitchen was situated and I could hear their voices although not what they actually said. I looked out of the window and watched people hurrying here and there like so many ants from an ant hill. I felt homesick. I wanted to be able to look out of the window and see proper traffic \u2026 horse drawn cabs, people who wore proper clothing, hard working people and children who played in the streets with their hoops and ropes. I wanted my father to come up and put his arm around me.<\/p>\n

\u201cDon\u2019t be frightened,\u201d Richard was looking down at me and smiled at me, so kindly, \u201cI\u2019ll look after you, Dorcas, I promise.\u201d<\/p>\n

We stood together by that window for quite some time before Mother came and called us to pay attention to what she was to tell us. I remember her face was rather red and Uncle Burgess was standing with his arms folded looking very cross. Richard took hold of my hand and held it tightly while Mother explained that this was going to be our new home, that we were to behave ourselves, not go into the store without permission, not to touch anything that belonged to Uncle Burgess, not to wander out into the town without her or Uncle Burgess, and now to say thank you to our Uncle (which we did).<\/p>\n

Uncle Burgess then left the room and closed the door very firmly behind him. Mother came and with a bright smile said \u2018How about we explore and see which room you would like for your bedroom?\u2019<\/p>\n

As there were only two bedrooms, or rooms that could be used as such, there wasn\u2019t really much choice, and it didn\u2019t take that long to make it. We hauled in our belongings and by the time mother was preparing our evening meal everything was done. For the time being Richard and I were to share a room. There were two small trundle beds in the room already, both with very lumpy mattresses.<\/p>\n

I can\u2019t recall eating that first meal in our new home. Richard teased me and said that I fell asleep and nearly went face down into my plate. I only remember waking up suddenly during a dark night and wondering where I was – and being very frightened. I clung tightly to Clarabelle and called for Richard but everywhere was quiet except for the dull thudding noise of the mine workings which was the constant feature of the town. Shadows were unfamiliar and moved across the ceiling and for a long time I remained in my bed weeping with fright until sleep finally claimed me.<\/p>\n

Chapter 4<\/p>\n

We settled into our new routine. Mother went to see Mr Hansworth and it was confirmed that she would start school the following Monday. Although this didn\u2019t please Uncle Burgess she promised to help in the store when she wasn\u2019t at school so that was a good compromise. She would work for him unpaid to compensate for having the house. But she was really pleased with the wage she would receive for schooling and for the first time since father died I saw the light shining in her eyes again and she would sing while she was preparing our meals.<\/p>\n

Both Richard and I enjoyed reading so to avoid annoying Uncle Burgess we would stay in the big sitting room and read, or play with the few toys we had brought with us. We had a few chores to do, of course, and always did them first thing and without Mother having to ask us.<\/p>\n

\u201cMother, I saw Mr Cartwright today.\u201d Richard said a few days after we had settled in, \u201cHe asked after you.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThat was nice of him\u201d was my Mother\u2019s only comment.<\/p>\n

\u201cHe wanted to know if you would like to go and see where he lived. He wanted us all to go there.\u201d<\/p>\n

Mother\u2019s brow furrowed. She looked at me and then at Richard as though undecided as to what to do, and Uncle Burgess huffed and puffed as usual,<\/p>\n

\u201cHe\u2019s never asked me there, not all the time I\u2019ve been here.\u201d he grumbled.<\/p>\n

\u201cI think it\u2019s because of Little Joe, his son.\u201d Mother said quietly, \u201cPerhaps he wants to discuss about his education.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cEducation! Huh!\u201d and Uncle Burgess attacked his meal so angrily that he slopped gravy over Mother\u2019s nice white tablecloth and dribbled it down his chin.<\/p>\n

\u201cHe said he would call round tomorrow morning, but if it wasn\u2019t alright with you, he would understand.\u201d Richard said, but I could see from his eyes that he was telling her more than that, he was really begging her to say yes.<\/p>\n

\u201cIf you get your chores done then we shall see.\u201d she replied and gave him a little curt nod which meant more than what she had said too, it meant yes, we could all go.<\/p>\n

The morning came and it was very warm and pleasant. I can remember that the sounds of the mines were louder than ever because the air was so still. Mr Cartwright came driving a wagon in which there were some sacks of flour, beans and potatoes. He had a great big smile on his face and his dark eyes – and he had very dark eyes – seemed to glow like coals. He took off his hat and looked up at Mother and I could see his face go soft, just like my fathers would when he saw mother at certain times \u2026 as though he couldn\u2019t believe that he was seeing someone so pretty, except that my father really loved my Mother, and at the time I wasn\u2019t sure why Mr Cartwright would be looking at my Mother like that \u2026<\/p>\n

\u201cGood morning, Mr Cartwright.\u201d she said and smiled as he took her hand, \u201cIt\u2019s a lovely day.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt certainly is, Mrs Mannering.\u201d he smiled and helped her up onto the wagon seat, \u201cNow then,\u201d he looked at us, \u201cYou won\u2019t mind sharing the wagon with some sacks of flour and such, will you? I can promise you some fresh sugar doughnuts when we get to the Ponderosa, and apple pie too.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh boy,\u201d Richard\u2019s eyes flew open wide, \u201cI haven\u2019t had doughnuts for years and years.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI haven\u2019t had any.\u201d I said and Mr Cartwright laughed and put his hand very gently on my head,<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, you\u2019ll love these, Hop Sing makes the best ones you\u2019ll ever taste in your life.\u201d<\/p>\n

I looked at Richard who winked at me as though we were sharing some kind of big secret. Mr Cartwright lifted me up and swung me into the back of the wagon, and then helped Richard who settled in beside me.<\/p>\n

I can\u2019t recall the conversation my Mother and Mr Cartwright had along the way to the Ponderosa, except that somewhere along the ride she began to call him Ben and he called her Alicia. He would stop every so often and point out some of the views to us. Sometimes he talked about it like he was saying poetry. It was easy to see, even as a child, that this land of his meant a great deal to him.<\/p>\n

When the wagon rolled into the yard Little Joe Cartwright seemed to appear as though from the ground. He seemed so pleased to see Richard, and my brother was just as excited as seeing him that he didn\u2019t wait for Mr Cartwright to help him out of the wagon but clambered down himself, leaving me quite alone, except for Clarabelle.<\/p>\n

\u201cHi.\u201d<\/p>\n

I jumped and turned to where the voice came from and saw a big boy standing close by. Mr Cartwright was helping Mother down and had turned to help me, but seeing his son there he left us in order to escort Mother into the house.<\/p>\n

The boy began to unpin the tailgate, and when it was lowered he looked at me and smiled. That was the first time I had seen Hoss Cartwright. I know Richard and I don\u2019t look particularly alike but it was very hard to see how little skinny Joe could be brother to this person.<\/p>\n

Hoss Cartwright was tall and big built, which made him look older than he really was, which was unfortunate. He had the nicest face and kindest smile I had ever seen. I think he was the first person I had ever met of whom I felt not even a twinge of fear.<\/p>\n

\u201cNeed a hand?\u201d he said and before I could answer he had lifted me up and swung me down onto the ground, \u201cI was coming to help Hop Sing with the groceries, didn\u2019t expect to find such a pretty one hiding in among \u2019em.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThank you very much,\u201d I replied and looked shyly around me. \u201cMy name is Dorcas Mannering.\u201d but I was still looking around, there was so much to see, and it was all wonderful.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m Hoss Cartwright. Wal, my real name\u2019s Eric but people call me Hoss.\u201d<\/p>\n

I looked at him again and realised that he was really quite shy. He smiled again, awkward and he twitched his shoulders nervously,<\/p>\n

\u201cMy father had a friend called Hoss.\u201d I heard myself saying, \u201cHis real name was Horst, but he said in his country people called him Hoss, it means someone who is kind and gentle. My Mother taught him to speak good English.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cShucks, fancy that – I ain\u2019t never met anyone who knew anyone else called Hoss.\u201d he observed and he pulled out two big sacks of flour from the wagon as easily as winking. \u201cHop Sing\u2019s cooked up a batch of sugar doughnuts.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYour Pa said he had, I\u2019ve not had any doughnuts before \u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou haven\u2019t?\u201d he paused as though he couldn\u2019t believe his eyes, \u201cShucks, where do you come from, fer Pete\u2019s sake?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNew York.\u201d I replied proudly, and smiled, \u201cAre you very old, Hoss?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNope, guess not. Guess I\u2019m 12 getting on fer 13\u201d he led me along to the door which led into the kitchen, \u201cI\u2019m 5 years old than Little Joe. My brother Adam, he\u2019s five years older\u2019n me.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI didn\u2019t know you had another brother,\u201d I frowned, and looked around me and then jumped back in surprise as a man approached looking at me with a big smile, \u201cAre you Adam?\u201d I asked, thinking that this \u2019brother\u2019 looked even less like a brother than ever.<\/p>\n

\u201cShucks, this here is Hop Sing. He\u2019s our friend. He cooks here.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHop Sing cook missy sugar doughnuts, sugar candy mouse, apple pie. You come and see.\u201d<\/p>\n

He took my elbow and gently led me to a table whereupon was laid a veritable pyramid of doughnuts. There were little candy mice with sugar icing eyes, and the biggest apple pie I\u2019d ever seen \u2026 not that I had seen many in my life time.<\/p>\n

Hoss put down the sacks and picked up a doughnut which he gave to me, he smiled and picked one up for himself,<\/p>\n

\u201cHow old are you then?\u201d he asked taking a big bite and covering his lips with sugar, which he licked slowly clean.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m nearly six.\u201d<\/p>\n

He nodded, licked his fingers clean and then told Hop Sing that he would go and get the other things from the wagon. This left me alone with this strange man who was nodding and smiling at me with the biggest smile on his face.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou like lemonade? You eat up doughnut quick before Hoss come back. He take doughnut each time he come in room and soon no doughnut left. You eat quick now.\u201d<\/p>\n

So I did. I don\u2019t think I had ever tasted anything so delicious in my life before even though I didn\u2019t like the fact that the sugar coated my lips and fingers.<\/p>\n

There was a noise at the door and I turned to see Richard and Little Joe tumbling into the room. They were laughing together, nudging one another and play fighting the way boys do when pleased to be in one another\u2019s company.<\/p>\n

\u201cDoughnuts – here, Richard, taste these.\u201d<\/p>\n

Hoss came in behind them bearing two more sacks of something or other, and these he put away before approaching the table and taking another doughnut. He turned to me and winked. I felt I had found a friend.<\/p>\n

The day passed. Richard rode on the pony and fell off twice, but got up laughing. Joe said that when Richard had learned to ride properly he would get his Pa to find a pony for him to ride whenever he came to the Ponderosa. They told me I couldn\u2019t ride a pony because I was a girl and wearing skirts. I didn\u2019t mind, Clarabelle didn\u2019t like ponies anyway.<\/p>\n

We went into the big barn and played in it. Mostly hide and seek. We made a tremendous mess of the hay, but Mr Cartwright didn\u2019t seem to mind. Hoss joined in too, it was one of the best days for laughing and being happy I had experienced in so long that I didn\u2019t want the day to end.<\/p>\n

We had a meal with them. There was a lot of creamy potatoes, rich gravy with onions and meat, probably beef, but I can\u2019t remember now. Mr Hop Sing could cook an old boot and make it taste wonderful of that I am sure.<\/p>\n

Afterwards we sat around the big fireplace. Richard and Joe disappeared to Joe\u2019s room, we could hear their feet upon the ceiling and their chatter drifted through to us. Hoss sat in a blue chair that didn\u2019t look very comfortable and I sat with Mother on a stripy settee.<\/p>\n

\u201cSo where is your other son, Ben? You have mentioned him several times today, but he isn\u2019t here, is he?\u201d<\/p>\n

Mr Cartwright was pouring coffee into some cups. Hoss and I had glasses of lemonade. Mr Cartwright smiled very nicely at Mother,<\/p>\n

\u201cHe\u2019s at college, back east.\u201d I could recognise the note of pride in his voice and looked at my Mother who was obviously very impressed, \u201cHe should return in another year.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBut I thought you said you had spent most of your time travelling, with Adam and Hoss, until you found the Ponderosa? What schooling did they have?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI taught them the basics. Adam was always -\u201d he paused and I could see that he was trying to rephrase the sentence. Instinct told me that he realised that what he had been about to say would have been unkind in front of Hoss, he smiled, \u201cAdam had a thirst for knowledge. Where ever we stopped over, he would go to the school house if there was one, and get some schooling there. When I married Joe\u2019s mother she taught Hoss and Adam here, at home.\u201d he paused then, but for a different reason and I felt that was because he was thinking about her, Little Joe\u2019s mother.<\/p>\n

\u201cIs Hoss coming to school on Monday with Little Joe?\u201d Mother asked and she looked at Hoss and smiled, \u201cWhat do you think, Hoss? Would you like to come along?\u201d<\/p>\n

Hoss\u2019 face flushed bright red. He looked appealingly at his father who lifted his eyebrows as though to say he was leaving the answering to him, so Hoss shrugged,<\/p>\n

\u201cI reckon I\u2019m too old, Ma\u2019am\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, 12 isn\u2019t too old really. Think about it, Hoss. It would be good to have you there too.\u201d she smiled one of her special smiles, and he blushed again.<\/p>\n

It was time to return home. Joe and Richard came downstairs and somehow or other managed to persuade my Mother and Mr Cartwright for Richard to stay at the Ponderosa until Sunday after Church. I returned home sitting on the wagon seat squished between Mr Cartwright and Mother. Before I fell asleep on the way home I wondered if I was going to spend all my life squished between two people because it seemed to me I was doing a fair share of being squeezed between folk since we had left New York.<\/p>\n

Chapter 5<\/p>\n

Life settled into a comfortable routine. School was enjoyable but then I enjoyed learning. Even at my age I was a good student. Richard and Joe were like twins, always with one another. Little Joe didn\u2019t really pay me much attention although he did seem to notice if I had a new dress or new hairstyle and would compliment me very nicely. However, I noticed he did that to all the girls \u2026 well, to the other two girls who attended classes.<\/p>\n

Hoss never attended school after all. A lot of children just didn\u2019t come. Their parents needed them to work and refused to let them. Some children were already working at the mines, or working at their own family diggings. Some women were dependent on their eldest children working in order to provide them money to live upon.<\/p>\n

I should mention that at this point of time the town wasn\u2019t really a town, it was just a settlement called Eagle Station, or some people just called it The Washoe. Old prospectors called it Washoe, it was an old Indian name for the area.<\/p>\n

Sometimes we had as many as twenty children in class and then it would go down to nine. It was always a steady nine and we worked hard for Ma. Even Little Joe would set to with his work, getting as much ink on him as on the paper.<\/p>\n

On Fridays Hop Sing would come with the wagon and take Joe and Richard to the Ponderosa. We would get my brother back on the Sunday. Once a month Ma and I were invited along as well. Uncle Burgess came once, but declined going again for some reason or another.<\/p>\n

\u201cDorcas, I got something for ya\u201d<\/p>\n

Hoss\u2019 face was rather flushed as he strode up to me and I felt quite excited that perhaps he had got me a present – a book perhaps, or a new doll although I could never part with Clarabelle.<\/p>\n

\u201cHave you, Hoss, what is it? Can I see it now? Where is it?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cCome with me -\u201d and he held out his hand and held onto mine to lead me to the stables.<\/p>\n

\u201cPa said it would be just right for ya. What do you think? Ain\u2019t he a beauty?\u201d<\/p>\n

Well, not to me he wasn\u2019t. He was just a pony, a fat little brown pony that looked at me in much the same way as I looked at him. Disgusted and disappointed I think would sum up both our feelings.<\/p>\n

I shrunk back and pulled my hand out of Hoss\u2019 and shook my head,<\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t like \u2018im\u201d I whispered.<\/p>\n

\u201cShucks, don\u2019t take on so. You will like him once you get to know him. Look -\u201d he shuffled about in his pocket and produced some sugar lumps, \u201cPut these on your hand and feed him.\u201d<\/p>\n

He opened my hand and put the sugar lumps on the flat of my palm and then, holding my wrist, offered my hand to the pony. After staring at me with utter contempt the creature came and took the sugar lumps, his chin was soft and smooth, and he nibbled gently. I felt quite proud of myself and looked at Hoss, who smiled at me, still holding my wrist,<\/p>\n

\u201cSee, that didn\u2019t hurt, did it?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo. What\u2019s his name?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBilly Boy.\u201d<\/p>\n

I nodded and Hoss brought me up closer to the pony and took my hand to stroke it by the neck and around the soft ears. I looked at the pony that stared at me and then looked at Hoss,<\/p>\n

\u201cThank you, Hoss.\u201d<\/p>\n

Hoss went a trifle pink and looked embarrassed, he did a funny shrugging motion with his shoulders and shook his head as though such thanks was too much. Then he straightened up and smiled,<\/p>\n

\u201cHey, how about I saddle him up for you and take you for a ride?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat? Now?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSure \u2018nough now. We got time, Dorcas.\u201d<\/p>\n

So we did, a pity, so I nodded and thanked him again. Billy Boy drooped his head and looked morose, and Hoss got out the saddle and within minutes was turning to me with a big smile on his face,<\/p>\n

\u201cHere y\u2019are, Dorcas, I\u2019ll help you up.\u201d<\/p>\n

I needed help, it seemed as though I were sitting astride a mountain and when Billy Boy began to move I felt the colour draining out of me. Richard and Joe came running out to see us and I can still remember Joe\u2019s face as he looked at me and the big smile as he yelled out<\/p>\n

\u201cHey, Dorcas, you look real cute.\u201d<\/p>\n

I have to admit those few words did more for my pride and vanity than all the kindness and patience Hoss had shown me. I held on tight to the reins and smiled my hardest at them all. I\u2019m not sure who walked into the house feeling the most proud, Hoss or myself.<\/p>\n

The weeks trickled away in this pleasant fashion. I think Richard and I both thought that our Mother was fond of Mr Cartwright and that he was fond of her. We whispered together about what would happen if they \u2018fell in love and married\u2019. Richard liked the idea because it meant he would be step-brother to Joe and Hoss. They were by now quite a formidable trio.<\/p>\n

More buildings were shooting up around Uncle Burgess\u2019 store. The smell of fresh pine wood lingered above the smells of the shanties and the fouled gullies that ran alongside the tracks that led in and out of the rickety buildings. Houses appeared on various lots in what people was now considering to be a township and the number of children attending school increased.<\/p>\n

One Saturday Mother came from her room wearing her very newest dress and spencer jacket. She was wearing a very smart hat with a feather in it and gloves that were the exact same colour as her jacket. I had never seen her looking so beautiful. Richard and I just stared at her with our mouths open.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m going out for a few hours,\u201d she said with a smile, and her face looked all soft and dreamy.<\/p>\n

Richard and I looked at one another. We both knew exactly what was happening, any moment now there would be a knock on the door \u2026 and as we thought it, so it happened. Except that the man to step through the door into the room was Mr Hansworth, the bank manager, and not Mr Cartwright at all. We both stood and stared with our eyes and mouths wide open now.<\/p>\n

He was very kind and gracious. A quiet man with a pleasant face and gentle blue eyes. I doubt if he would know how to be cross with anyone. He offered his arm to Mother and she smiled and linked hers with his and after telling us to behave for Uncle Burgess they left the house.<\/p>\n

This happened every Saturday. Richard was often at the Ponderosa with Joe and Hoss, so I was left on my own. It was very lonely but Mother was never gone more than a few hours. She was always happy and singing softly to herself when she came back from being with Mr Hansworth.<\/p>\n

She would decline going to the Ponderosa, so I never went again to ride Billy Boy, or sit in the big room with the books to read, and to talk to Hop Sing in the kitchen and eat whatever he had decided we would enjoy that particular day.<\/p>\n

Mr Hansworth eventually invited us to his house. It was one of the new buildings that we had admired some time earlier. It smelt of pine and reminded us of the Ponderosa. He had a lady who cooked for him and she was pleasant and very Irish. I half expected her to draw up a chair and eat the dinner she had prepared for us she was that warm and friendly. It was that day that Mr Hansworth told us that Mother had agreed to marry him.<\/p>\n

I can\u2019t remember exactly how I felt about it. I remember father so well and couldn\u2019t understand how Mother could forget him so quickly as to go off and marry someone else so soon. I tried to talk about it to Richard but he didn\u2019t care. He was more interested in how this was going to affect his friendship with Joe and Hoss Cartwright.<\/p>\n

Chapter 6<\/p>\n

One day after Mr Cartwright had brought Richard home from the Ponderosa something happened that changed our lives a lot. Richard was taken very ill. We had one doctor in town at the time, Doctor Philip Hay. He was over worked, over tired, over wrought. When he came to our house he took one look at Richard and shook his head,<\/p>\n

\u201cYoung Joe Cartwright\u2019s the same.\u201d he said quietly, \u201cI\u2019ve just come from the Ponderosa to see to him.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThey\u2019ve been together a lot. Has anyone else – any other children – become ill?\u201d Mother asked.<\/p>\n

\u201cNo. Not yet anyway.\u201d He gave Mother some medicine and told her what to do, and then looked at me. \u201cYou shouldn\u2019t be here. It would be best for you to go somewhere else otherwise you could get sick as well.\u201d<\/p>\n

I was promptly despatched to Mr Hansworth\u2019s house where Brigid Murphy was told to keep a close eye on me. Clarabelle and I were treated like the most important prisoners on death row as Brigid carried out her orders implicitly.<\/p>\n

Days ticked by and I spent them wondering if I was going to be sick, if Joe and Richard were well, if Hoss had become sick. I imagined the whole settlement becoming sick and the poor Doctor dying because he was so tired of all the sick people. Once again I was lonely and alone, and desperately missed my family.<\/p>\n

One morning just before Brigid was going to make our lunch Mr Hansworth came home. He stood in the doorway and looked at me very seriously before he removed his hat and gloves. Then he came and picked me up in his arms and carried me to a big chair upon which he sat with me in his lap.<\/p>\n

\u201cDorcas, I have something very difficult to tell you and I want you to be very brave -\u201d he looked down at me and I could see his blue eyes were moist, and my heart began to pound so hard inside my chest that I thought it would burst right out of it. My ears were throbbing and I could hardly breathe.<\/p>\n

\u201cIs Richard very sick still?\u201d I whispered very quietly and clung tightly to Clarabelle, but I already knew the answer, I already knew that he was dead. \u201cIs Joe sick too?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cLittle Joe Cartwright is recovering although he is still very unwell. But Richard -\u201d he couldn\u2019t say the word, his voice trailed away and he stroked my head gently, \u201cYour Mama is very sad, Dorcas. She wants you to stay here with me for a little while longer.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBut I want to go home. I want my Mama.\u201d I snivelled.<\/p>\n

He didn\u2019t speak. He just sat there with me in his lap, stroking my hair.<\/p>\n

Mr Cartwright and Hoss were at the funeral. Mother was very calm, and looked lovely in her black dress. Brigid stood with me, holding my hand while Mama spoke to the people there. Brigid had made Clarabelle a little black cape to wear and I had a black band on the sleeve of my best coat.<\/p>\n

I watched Hoss all the time. He looked pale and thinner than when I had last seen him, so when at last Brigid released her hold on me I hurried over to speak to him,<\/p>\n

\u201cHoss, how is Joseph?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHe\u2019s doing alright, Dorcas. He\u2019s sitting up in bed now. We have to keep the drapes closed tight \u2018cos the light hurts his eyes. I thought he was going to die, Dorcas.\u201d His eyes welled up with tears and he bowed his head, \u201cI\u2019m right sorry about Richard, you know that, don\u2019tcha?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, thank you, Hoss.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ve missed you not visiting us, Dorcas. I keep telling Billy Boy you\u2019ll be back to ride him again soon. Do you think you will?\u201d he looked up at me with his blue eyes wide, and then he sighed, \u201cI guess not, huh? Not now your Ma\u2019s marrying the bank manager.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI will still see you though, won\u2019t I?\u201d I put my hand on his arm and tried to be very grown up, \u201cI can come instead of Richard, can\u2019t I?\u201d<\/p>\n

He sighed and shrugged,<\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t know, Dorcas. I don\u2019t reckon on it bein\u2019 quite the same -\u201d<\/p>\n

I was about to say something but he was called away by his father. I watched them walk away and Hoss turned his head to look back at me and raised his hand in farewell. I waved back. Then they were gone.<\/p>\n

I saw them at times, infrequently in town, sometimes at church. Mr Cartwright always spoke very politely to my Mother and Hoss would look at me and smile. Mother would hold my hand tightly to keep me at her side, and somehow or other Mr Hansworth would appear which would cause Mr Cartwright to bid his farewells and go, taking Hoss with him.<\/p>\n

There was a new teacher at school. A lady called Abigail Jones. She was young and this was her first assignment. A month after she had been there Little Joe returned to school.<\/p>\n

He was thin, and his face was so much paler than I could remember. His hair must have been shorn during his illness because the wild mass of curls were gone, although the dark brown hair that had grown waved neatly about his head. He was quieter too, and because he tired easily he was allowed to stay in during recess and cat nap.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m sorry about Richard.\u201d he said to me the day he came back to school, \u201cI bet you miss him, don\u2019t you?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes.\u201d I looked at him, at the poor pale face and over large eyes, \u201cWere you very sick, Joe?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAin\u2019t never been so sick in my life before,\u201d he admitted with a sigh, \u201cI thought I was going to die as well.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m glad you didn\u2019t.\u201d I said very quickly.<\/p>\n

\u201cSo\u2019m I.\u201d he smiled slowly and put his hand on my arm, \u201cIt was my fault, Dorcas. I persuaded Richard to come with me -\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cCome with you? Why? Where did you go?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt doesn\u2019t matter where, just someplace Pa said we shouldn\u2019t because the air was bad. But I went once before and was alright, and I found some arrow heads and all kinds of things there. Richard wanted to see them too, so I thought we\u2019d be alright. Except that it wasn\u2019t \u2026\u201d he bowed his head \u201cHe was the best friend I ever had, \u2018ceptin\u2019 for Hoss.\u201d<\/p>\n

I nodded and said nothing because I didn\u2019t know what to say, so I just leaned forward on tip toe and kissed him gently on the cheek.<\/p>\n

Two weeks later Mother married and became Mrs Alicia Mannering Hansworth. The Cartwrights didn\u2019t come to the wedding. The following week we left the settlement known as Eagle Station. We were no longer poor, Mother and I. Mr Hansworth was now the Bank Manager of the branch in San Francisco and was a very rich man indeed.<\/p>\n

Chapter 7 \u2026 Ten Years later.<\/p>\n

I thought that I would recognise the landmarks of my childhood upon my returning to Virginia City. It was no more a city, of course, than Eagle Station had been a town, but it was certainly a prospering melting pot of a place. I stood on the depot sidewalk while the coachman brought down my case and looked about me in the hope of finding some familiar building but it had changed beyond recognition.<\/p>\n

Several Chinese hurried by, deep in conversation and I watched them pass with their long braids bouncing against their backs. I wondered then if one could have been Hop Sing but if so I would not have recognised him.<\/p>\n

I asked directions for my Uncle Burgess\u2019 and upon receiving them asked the coachman if he would be so kind as to take my case over there. He smiled and nodded and then turned to pay attention to the other passengers.<\/p>\n

It had been a hot, dusty and boring journey but here I was back at the place that had played such a pivotal role in my life. I walked to Uncle Burgess\u2019 with memories of Richard running alongside me, and, of course, with those memories of him, came the ghosts of Hoss and Joe Cartwright.<\/p>\n

A tall man in beige shirt, black vest and jeans turned up at the bottom of each leg, walked towards me and politely touched his hat as he passed. He looked deep in thought and I was surprised he had even noticed me. I glanced over my shoulder and saw him disappear into the Sazarac saloon. The bat wings swung too and fro behind him.<\/p>\n

I continued on. I had not seen Uncle Burgess since we had left ten years earlier and wondered if he would be as welcoming now as he had been when Mother, Richard and I had appeared on his doorstep.<\/p>\n

I stopped once again to look around me – there was a rather grand Town Hall now, and on the corner of the main street was the Internationale Hotel. I tried to recall what had been there before but failed. I walked pass another saloon and crossed the road. I mean, I started to cross the road. I was so over whelmed by the changes to the town that I hadn\u2019t noticed a wagon bearing down on me until there was a lot of noise all around me and someone had grabbed me around the waist and hauled me off my feet.<\/p>\n

The wagon pulled up and a young man jumped down. I was adjusting my hat and trying to restore some dignity to my deportment as he leaned down to look anxiously into my face,<\/p>\n

\u201cI sure am sorry about that, Miss. I just didn\u2019t realise you were going to cross the road. Thought for certain you would have seen me.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m sorry.\u201d I felt a strong hand grip my elbow and help me to my feet, \u201cI\u2019m so sorry. I was day dreaming and didn\u2019t notice you.\u201d I turned to my rescuer and smiled, \u201cThank you so much -\u201d my voice trailed away and I think my eyes just popped wide with surprise, \u201cHoss? Are you Hoss Cartwright?\u201d<\/p>\n

The young man went a trifle pink, swiped off his hat and nodded. He glanced at the other young man rather uncertainly so I turned to look at the wagon driver and this time I went a little pink, \u201cAre you Joe?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, Miss.\u201d he smiled and his eyebrows jiggled a little as he tried to recall who I was, \u201cI\u2019m sorry, Miss, but do we know you?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m Dorcas – Dorcas Mannering.\u201d and looked at them both earnestly. Surely they hadn\u2019t forgotten me? After ten years had they forgotten Richard and his little sister? \u201cMy mother was -\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSure I remember you now,\u201d Joe cried and his face it up in a wide smile and the hazel eyes twinkled, \u201cMy word, Dorcas – Miss Mannering I mean – you sure have grown -\u201d he looked me up and down and laughed \u201cWell, you sure have grown up into a swell looking woman.\u201d he nudged his brother, \u201cDon\u2019t you think so, Hoss?\u201d<\/p>\n

Hoss gulped, he had his hat clutched tightly against his chest and his blue eyes were just staring at me as though he couldn\u2019t believe what he was seeing. He nodded and blinked rather rapidly, as though recovering from some shock, and then nodded again,<\/p>\n

\u201cYou sure have, Miss Dorcas.\u201d he mumbled and went a little pinker, \u201cShucks, I would never have known it was you had you not said.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNor would I,\u201d Joe cried, \u201cI guess it must have been 8 or 9 years, hasn\u2019t it?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cTen years.\u201d I said and smiled at them both as excitement bubbled up inside me, \u201cI would have known Hoss anywhere, but Joe, you\u2019ve changed so much from that scrawny little kid I knew back then.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHey, less of the scrawny if you please, Miss.\u201d he laughed again, and it seemed to me that Joe\u2019s life was full of laughter, he was that kind of person. \u201cYou know, of all the people to meet today -\u201d he put his hand on my arm, \u201cPa will be so pleased to see you, Miss Mannering. How about coming to the Ponderosa for a visit?\u201d<\/p>\n

I looked at him doubtfully and then at Hoss who was looking at me so earnestly that I felt myself going a little hot in the face.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ve just got off the stage.\u201d I said and laughed a little as though it were rather funny, which it wasn\u2019t, not really, \u201cI\u2019ve to see my Uncle Burgess and \u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cShucks, of course you have.\u201d Joe nodded and his face became serious, \u201cLook, how about coming to our place Saturday evening. We\u2019re having a party at the Ponderosa, and it sure would be good if you could be there too.\u201d<\/p>\n

I looked at him thoughtfully, and then at Hoss who was still staring at me as though he\u2019d seen a mirage, so I nodded and agreed that I would love to be there.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ll come and collect you in the buggy, shall we say around 6 o\u2018clock?\u201d Joe smiled which made me feel rather giddy, so that I smiled at him again and promised to be ready by 6 p.m.<\/p>\n

I suddenly realised that I had been staring at him rather longer than was correct so turned to look at Hoss, who smiled shyly and nodded as though prompting me to say something,<\/p>\n

\u201cHoss -\u201d I put out my hand which he took gently in his own, \u201cI would have known you anywhere. Thank you so much for getting me out of the way of the wagon, you saved me from getting quite badly hurt.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAw wal, shucks, that\u2019s alright. You are alright, ain\u2019tcha?\u201d his face looked anxious and I smiled and assured him that I was just fine, apart from some bruising to my vanity. \u201cI would have come and collected you for the party on Saturday, Miss Dorcas, but Joe -\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI know, I understand, Hoss.\u201d I pulled my hand away from his and then reluctantly bade them both goodbye until Saturday.<\/p>\n

Uncle Burgess was taking my case into the store, and the coachman who had delivered it tipped his hat very pleasantly to me as I passed him. I steeled myself for the meeting with my Uncle and prepared to enter what had been my home for nearly a year.<\/p>\n

He was looking old and tired. As he took my hand and welcomed me \u2018home\u2019 I felt sorry for him as he looked far from well. The store was the same as ever, he had always kept it immaculate.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou look well, Dorcas.\u201d he said, struggling with my suitcase as he tried not to knock anything over on the display shelves as he manoeuvred it to the door that led to the living quarters, \u201cYou\u2019ve grown into a lovely looking young woman. I daresay your mother is pleased with you \u2026\u201d he stepped back for me to pass him and enter the big room, and then he followed me inside, closing the door behind him.<\/p>\n

It was just as I remembered. Nothing had changed at all. It could have been Sleeping Beauty\u2019s parlour if there had been masses of cobwebs and piles of dust everywhere. But like some kind of shrine it was positively gleaming. A bowl of flowers glowed rich colours as the sun from the window shone upon them<\/p>\n

\u201cThese are lovely, Uncle Burgess.\u201d they were the first words I had spoken to him and I saw his face twist with pleasure, \u201cThank you.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s my pleasure,\u201d he replied, looking around anxiously as though he just had to make sure that there was no errant spider about to cast a web, or a beetle about to mount the wall, \u201cI\u2019ve arranged for Mrs Costello to bring us a meal from the restaurant. She\u2019s a very good cook.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThat was kind of you too,\u201d I walked to the window and looked out onto the street, \u201cEverything\u2019s so changed. I hardly recognised a thing.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh, yes, it\u2019s all changed, nothing stays the same,\u201d he sighed, and joined me by the window to look down at the bustling town, \u201cThis is a very wealthy place to be, Dorcas, I\u2019ve seen so many changes.\u201d and his voice sounded tired and wistful.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m sorry, Uncle Burgess.\u201d I said softly, because I really didn\u2019t know what else to say and I turned away from the window because the last time I looked out of it like this my brother was standing by my side.<\/p>\n

\u201cHow\u2019s your Mother? Is she well?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cVery well. They are in Paris at the moment. They thought they would go on an European tour. That\u2019s why I\u2019ve taken the opportunity to visit you. You didn\u2019t mind, did you?\u201d<\/p>\n

His face flushed and once again he gave that odd twisted smile. I was more convinced than ever that he was ill, and felt a pang of pity touch my heart.<\/p>\n

\u201cI was delighted when I got your letter. I\u2019ve been quite lonely really, since you all left.\u201d<\/p>\n

As though he had already said too much he turned away and hurried to the communicating door to the store from where there could be heard the tinkling of the door bell. A customer and a ready excuse to leave.<\/p>\n

I made my way to the bedrooms and decided to sleep in my Mother\u2019s room. I didn\u2019t want to share the room with the memories of my brother. Over the course of ten years the pain of loss does diminish, even though one may think of them every day and have poignant memories, but the pain is no longer there. It seemed that since I stepped back into this house Richard\u2019s memory was like a ghost that walked side by side with me, and it hurt, very much.<\/p>\n

Chapter 8<\/p>\n

I was ready at the time specified and opened the door to Little Joe who was smiling broadly as he fidgeted about on the porch.<\/p>\n

\u201cHi Dorcas -\u201d he smiled and then the smile froze and he stared at me as though seeing me for the first time, \u201cWow, Dorcas, I would never have recognised you.\u201d<\/p>\n

I closed the door behind me and smiled at him,<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m not seven years old anymore, Little Joe.\u201d I said with a slight laugh in my voice, \u201cI think you may have forgotten that.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIf I had it won\u2019t happen again, I can promise you that.\u201d and he chuckled and led me to the buggy.<\/p>\n

I recalled how we used to travel in the wagon along with the washing baskets or the groceries, depending on the reason for the wagons use. Now I sat by his side in the buggy with two slick horses desperate to be off, Joe flicked the reins and they lunged forwards.<\/p>\n

\u201cThey\u2019re lovely horses, Joe.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAren\u2019t they though?\u201d Joe smiled, as pleased with the compliment as though I had meant him.<\/p>\n

\u201cDo you still have Billy Boy?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWho?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThe little pony Hoss got for me, Billy Boy.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh shucks, no, he went a long time ago. Pa found a family who gave him a good home.\u201d<\/p>\n

I wondered if Billy Boy had been happy about that, and smiled at the thought of the bad tempered little beast. Joe must have seen me smile because he asked me what it was I was thinking about,<\/p>\n

\u201cJust Billy Boy. He didn\u2019t like me very much.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s because he doted on Hoss. He\u2019d follow Hoss about the place like a dog.\u201d and he chuckled at the memory, a nice bubbling up from the tummy kind of chuckle. I had always had fond memories of Joe and his laugh.<\/p>\n

I had spent a long time getting ready for this evenings party. There were no such things way back when I first arrived, not that I knew of anyway. I was wearing my best dress, very fashionable, lace and silk in shades of cream and very pale pink. Mother had it made for me by a French woman who made all her clothes. How times had changed \u2026<\/p>\n

\u201cYou smell nice, Dorcas.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThank you.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cKind of reminds me of my Ma.\u201d he sighed, \u201cShe always smelt like flowers and springtime. That\u2019s how you smell, Dorcas, of flowers and spring.\u201d<\/p>\n

I smiled and said nothing, unsure of the comparison – was it a compliment? I wasn\u2019t sure.<\/p>\n

It was very pleasant driving towards the Ponderosa, in the gathering dusk the land about us took on a magical air, and the warmth of the evening wrapped around us so snugly that we were content to just be together and to say very little. It was Joe who broke the silence,<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat brought you back, Dorcas? Was it just out of curiosity?\u201d and he looked at me with an unusually serious face.<\/p>\n

\u201cA little, I suppose. Mother and my step-father have gone on a tour of Europe, and I thought I would come and see Uncle Burgess, and – and my friends from back then.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m glad you still consider us as your friends, Dorcas.\u201d and he sighed and turned to pay attention to the horses.<\/p>\n

\u201cI never thought of you as anything other than that, Joe.\u201d I replied very quietly, \u201cWhy would I think of you any differently?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWal, it\u2019s just -\u201d he bit his bottom lip, \u201cI never really saw you properly afterwards, I mean, after Richard – after what happened to Richard.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou explained to me what happened, Joe. It wasn\u2019t your fault. No one blamed you.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI blamed myself.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI wish you hadn\u2019t.\u201d I put my hand on his arm and then wondered whether I should have done so for it trembled slightly beneath my fingers, so I withdrew it and clasped my hands together in my lap. \u201cLet\u2019s not talk about it anymore, Joe. It happened, and it\u2019s over.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI just needed to make sure – I couldn\u2019t not mention it, Dorcas.\u201d he looked at me again with those big hazel eyes and looked so sad, \u201cYou understand, don\u2019t you?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, I do.\u201d I nodded emphatically and looked ahead at the horses as they pricked their ears forwards and seemed to quicken their pace, \u201cDid your brother Adam get back to Nevada, Joe, or did he stay back East?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh, Adam got back, and stayed put.\u201d he grinned, \u201cHe designed several of the buildings in town, you know? He\u2019s a clever man.\u201d his face softened into a smile, the pride he felt for his brother more than obvious.<\/p>\n

\u201cDoesn\u2019t he miss life back East?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSometimes I guess he does, after all, it has a lot to offer, doesn\u2019t it?\u201d he looked at me again, \u201cAre you still living in San Francisco?\u201d<\/p>\n

I nodded and gave him a short history of my life, well, it would have been short after all I had only lived 18 years. I told him how I went to school and then onto college. I briefly touched upon my year in Europe and how I returned home just in time to say goodbye to Mother as they went off on their own tour.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ve missed it here, Joe. I was only here a year and yet it seemed whenever I thought of a place as home, it was here.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m glad of that, Dorcas.\u201d he said, and there was a smile in his voice as he spoke.<\/p>\n

\u201cIs the party for any special occasion, Joe?\u201d I asked now, and he shook his head and smiled,<\/p>\n

\u201cOnly to welcome you home.\u201d he said.<\/p>\n

\u2026\u2026..<\/p>\n

As always the sight of the ranch made me hold my breath for a moment. I had to look around and look at the changes during the time it took Joe to get down from the buggy and come to my side to assist me down. He held my hand tightly and looked into my eyes and smiled such a gentle smile that I wanted to hug him tight right there and then.<\/p>\n

There were lighted lanterns dancing across the yard and coloured streamers floating about to make the place pretty. The door opened as we approached the porch and Mr Cartwright stood there with a wide smile and his hands on his hips, then when we were a few paces away he came towards us. He looked quickly at Joe and then turned his dark gaze upon me. I had forgotten how dark his eyes were, and how warm his smile. He took my hands in his, I could feel the rough calloused skin beneath my fingers, and it occurred to me that although this man was one of the richest in the territory he had worked hard to gain those riches, and he still worked hard to keep them.<\/p>\n

\u201cDorcas Mannering. My oh my, look at you? Come on in, my dear, come on in and meet some old friends.\u201d and he put his arm around my shoulders and ushered me into the big room.<\/p>\n

It was quite unchanged. Just how I remembered it to be, even down to the Navejo blanket cast over the balustrade. There was music playing and people dancing but before I could take any notice of faces and people Hoss approached with the widest beaming smile on his face<\/p>\n

\u201cHey, Dorcas, you came.\u201d and he took hold of my hands and squeezed them, quite gently, but in such a familiar way that it instantly reminded me of his father for Hoss had the same hard working hands as Ben. \u201cYou sure look pretty. Don\u2019t she look pretty, Pa?\u201d he glanced at Ben who nodded with a satisfied smile on his face, as though he had seen to the making of the dress himself.<\/p>\n

\u201cShe surely is, Hoss.\u201d<\/p>\n

Hoss drew me into the room, and the next thing I knew a tall dark haired man was standing in front of me,<\/p>\n

\u201cMiss Dorcas, this is my brother Adam. He was the one went to college and you never got to see before when you was here.\u201d and Hoss turned his beaming face to his brother as though he were presenting a prize to him.<\/p>\n

Adam Cartwright was the young man who had brushed past me in town the day I arrived. I recognised him immediately and for some reason blushed,<\/p>\n

\u201cGood evening, Miss Mannering. It\u2019s a pleasure to meet you at last. My brothers have done nothing but talk about you since they saw you in town the other day.\u201d he took one hand and bowed slightly over it. A very polished greeting.<\/p>\n

\u201cI met you in town too,\u201d I blurted out and then lowered my eyelashes a little, \u201cIt\u2019s a pleasure to meet you at last, Adam.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cActually, your name has frequently been brought up over the years, Miss Dorcas. So I am more than relieved to see that the picture of you was painted very accurately. The most recent picture I hasten to add.\u201d he smiled, exposing white teeth against his tanned skin.<\/p>\n

\u201cHeyyyy, Adam, back off,\u201d Hoss said and was about to say more when Joe appeared with a glass of punch which he handed to me with a smile,<\/p>\n

\u201cHere you are, Dorcas, I thought you\u2019d like something to drink to cut the dust from your throat.\u201d he said and he looked at Hoss and then at Adam, \u201cI hope these two cut throats haven\u2019t been annoying you?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh, no.\u201d I laughed, \u201cAs if they could \u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

The music stopped and the couples on the dance floor drifted to their seats, although some came to wards me with smiles and warm looks of welcome on their faces. I recognised no one. They came and introduced themselves, tried to jog my memory by saying how they had sat behind, beside or in front of me at school. Most said how much they had enjoyed having Mrs Mannering as their teacher. I was pleased about that, because my mother was or had been a most remarkable teacher.<\/p>\n

\u201cI love your dress,\u201d a young woman murmured, \u201cIt\u2019s French in style, isn\u2019t it?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, it is.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI was in Paris last year.\u201d she explained, \u201cYou won\u2019t remember me, Dorcas, but I remember you very well. You shared your book with me at recess.\u201d<\/p>\n

I looked at her and remembered a thin little girl who had seemed to want to tag along with me everywhere. She was a miner\u2019s daughter and very poor. I remembered one morning mother giving her some food and her father coming next day to return it, saying he and his family didn\u2019t take charity.<\/p>\n

\u201cHow\u2019s your family now?\u201d I asked as I struggled to remember her name,<\/p>\n

\u201cVery well. Pa made a big strike some weeks after you left town. He went in with Gould & Curry and hasn\u2019t looked back since.\u201d she frowned and then sighed, \u201cWell, apart from his lungs of course. He suffers from miner\u2019s lung, but at least we can make sure he lives out his life in comfort.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m sorry, Jennifer.\u201d and I put my hand on her arm to emphasise my sympathies and glad to have remembered her name,<\/p>\n

\u201cI never forgot him, you know.\u201d she lowered her voice, \u201cI still go and take flowers to his grave.\u201d and then she squeezed my arm, looked right into my eyes and hurried away back to her escort.<\/p>\n

Richard. Of course, she meant Richard. But her words made me shiver. I watched her as she danced away with the young man, and then jumped when Joe came and asked me to dance,<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat was Jennifer talking about?\u201d he asked as he took my hand and led me into the dance.<\/p>\n

I looked up into his face and just momentarily could not think of what to say in reply. Jennifer\u2019s words had, in some strange way, numbed my brain and I struggled to find coherency in the fog of confusion,<\/p>\n

\u201cShe asked about my past, told me about her father.\u201d I replied in a whisper.<\/p>\n

\u201cJennifer\u2019s a strange girl. Don\u2019t pay too much attention to her.\u201d Joe replied quietly, and smiled down at me as though reassuring me and his eyes twinkled in the way I could always remember with such deep affection.<\/p>\n

This was, in some ways, the realisation of a dream. A child\u2019s dreams perhaps, clung to with a determination that may have been quite unrealistic. Dancing with Joseph Cartwright, my hand in his, his arm around my waist. I closed my eyes and pretended that we were in some wonderful ballroom with an orchestra playing and people watching this wonderfully happy couple as they waltzed around the floor.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou do look lovely, Dorcas,\u201d he whispered and I had to bring myself out of the dream to look up at him and comprehend what he was saying just in case I had confused it with the unreality.<\/p>\n

\u201cThank you, sir.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou were such a skinny little kid, and so shy.\u201d he smiled down at me and his eyes took on a faraway look, \u201cYou hardly spoke at all those days you came here. I reckon the only person you ever spoke to was Hoss.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou were too busy playing with \u2026 with Richard.\u201d I raised my chin and looked at him, and then smiled slowly, \u201cWhat does it matter after all, I was a little girl then, and as you say, I was very shy.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNow look at you though? You\u2019re beautiful, rich and dancing in my arms. What more could I ask for than having you to dance with me.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWere you serious when you said this party was being held for me?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes. Hoss and I decided it when we met you \u2026 it seemed a perfectly excellent reason to have one. You don\u2019t mind, do you?\u201d he laughed then, a soft satisfied chuckle.<\/p>\n

\u201cSo long as your father didn\u2019t,\u201d my smile widened, I could feel it stretching across my face and I looked into his face knowing that my eyes were sparkling.<\/p>\n

\u201cPa would have a party here for any reason, and he thought this one was particularly fine.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI just wish I could remember who everyone was \u2026\u201d I glanced over at Jennifer who was talking to Adam Cartwright at the punch bowl. They were both looking over at me.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019ll remember them better as you get to know them more,\u201d Joe replied, \u201cYou are staying for a while, aren\u2019t you? You don\u2019t intend to leave Virginia City within days, do you?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo, I intend to stay for a while.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, then, that\u2019s settled, isn\u2019t it?\u201d and he drew me in closer so that I could smell his pomade and feel the warmth of his body against mine.<\/p>\n

I closed my eyes again and was about to speak when I heard Hoss speaking, and upon opening my eyes saw Hoss standing right behind Joe, tapping him on the shoulder and telling him that he was \u2018cutting in while he could\u201d. Joe hesitated a fraction, and then with a rueful shrug stepped aside and swept me into Hoss\u2019 arms. I looked at Joe as he stepped back and he smiled, winked and retreated to the punch bowl to stand with Jennifer and Adam.<\/p>\n

For a big man Hoss was surprisingly light on his feet. He held me as though I would break, something fragile and frail, as he danced me around the floor. He smiled down at me and I couldn\u2019t help but notice the look of pride on his face as he held me in his arms.<\/p>\n

\u201cHoss, I never knew you were such a good dancer.\u201d I said with a smile and I saw the familiar blush creep over his collar,<\/p>\n

\u201cAdams bin teachin\u2019 me.\u201d he said and then looked down at me, \u201cI guess Joe already told you that you\u2019re the best looking gal here this evening.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo, he didn\u2019t.\u201d I replied and sighed, \u201cI suppose you must wonder how come a skinny little girl got to grow up and look like me, is that it?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cShucks no, I always knew you\u2019d grow up to be a beautiful woman. You were a pretty little gal, Miss Dorcas.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWas I?\u201d I blinked, and recalled to mind the shy child I had been, and then remembered how shy Hoss had been as well. We had been two of a kind in a way, just as Richard and Joe had been as school boy pals.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou sure was, Miss Dorcas, and I can still recall the day you first rode Billy Boy. Hey, you looked so frightened, and so cute up thar in the saddle that I thought for sure that one day you would be what you\u2019ve turned out to be \u2026 a real beauty.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThank you, Hoss.\u201d I whispered and lowered my head because I could remember that day too, when Joe had said I looked cute.<\/p>\n

The music stopped and Hoss led me to the punch bowl where Joe hurried to be the first to hand me a glass of the cool liquid. I sipped it gingerly and then nodded,<\/p>\n

\u201cThis is very good.\u201d I laughed as I drank a little more, and turned aside to see what else was on the table.<\/p>\n

Adam Cartwright approached me and smiled. For some reason my new found confidence shivered a little as though about to take flight but I rallied and smiled back,<\/p>\n

\u201cI hope I get the opportunity for a dance sometime this evening, Miss Mannering.\u201d he said politely.<\/p>\n

\u201cI hope so too, Mr Cartwright.\u201d I replied hoping to goodness that it wouldn\u2019t happen. Hopefully the evening would come to an end before he could dance with me.<\/p>\n

A tall young man approached now and introduced himself as Philip Kopek. \u2018The third desk to the right.\u2019 One of Mrs Mannerings best students. The music had started and he asked me to dance, so before anyone else could ask I accepted his offer and placed my hand in his sweating palm and allowed him to sweep me away.<\/p>\n

\u201cI could hardly believe it was you,\u201d he said in a rush of words, \u201cWhen Jennifer told me who you were I nearly choked. I remember Joe saying this party was for an old school friend but for the life of me I never thought it would be you. You sure are pretty, Miss Dorcas.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThank you, Philip. I\u2019m surprised you remembered me at all.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI guess I wouldn\u2019t have if you hadn\u2019t been the teacher\u2019s kid.\u201d Philip replied, brutally honest as he had always been, \u201cyou were pretty shy, back then. Seemed the only kids you went around with were Jennifer and Joe.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI can remember you now, Philip. You were always putting your hand up to answer the questions, and you were nearly always right.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI worked hard at it. Your Mother was a great teacher. Mr Hansworth\u2019s gain was certainly our loss.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ll tell her when I see her next.\u201d I promised.<\/p>\n

Throughout the dance he told me about his life since I had left. I doubt if anyone could have possibly have been as pleased for the music to end as I when finally he escorted me back to the table.<\/p>\n

There were napkins on the table and I hurriedly wiped my hands on one. Joe and Hoss came up to me, both with smiles on their faces,<\/p>\n

\u201cHow about something to eat, Dorcas.\u201d Joe said, \u201cPerhaps we could eat in the garden.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHey, ain\u2019t that a good idea,\u201d Hoss replied, giving Joe a little shove, \u201cHow\u2019s about it, Miss Dorcas.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI am rather hungry\u201d I said quietly, as I noticed Joe give his brother a sly kick on the ankle, \u201cbut -\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhy don\u2019t we have this dance now,\u201d a deep voice said close to my ear and before I could say another word Adam Cartwright had taken my hand and led me into the next dance.<\/p>\n

I looked up into his face just as he was looking down at me while in the act of putting his arm around my waist. He looked kind but at the same time, rather stern. I glanced quickly over at Joe and Hoss who were both standing with their eyes fixed on us. Jennifer danced by with some young man, but she also stopped speaking to give us a sharp look.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s odd really, dancing with Joe and Hoss, and then with their brother who was probably the oldest man I had ever danced with in my life. He had to be all of fifteen years older than myself. I counted the years difference as we danced, in silence and in perfect time to the music, and arrived at the conclusion that he had to be as old as 30 at least. I looked up at him again and he was still looking down at me, he smiled.<\/p>\n

\u201cI was thinking, Miss Mannering, whether you would mind if I called you Dorcas?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh, I wouldn\u2019t mind at all, Mr Cartwright.\u201d I stammered in reply.<\/p>\n

\u201cI didn\u2019t want to appear too impolite in doing so without your permission.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI – I see,\u201d I frowned slightly, and wondered if he were teasing me. He was an excellent dancer, but I couldn\u2019t relax. I had the distinct feeling that he was humouring me, like an older man taking pity on a child. He made me feel like a child.<\/p>\n

\u201cHoss and Joe have spoken a lot about you, you know. When I was at college you were mentioned in their letters and when I returned home you were often referred to \u2026 you can\u2019t imagine the flurry of excitement they were in when they came home the other day to say you were back.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh,\u201d I looked at him and he smiled down at me again, a good humoured smile, \u201cAre you making fun of me, Mr Cartwright?\u201d I asked looking him in the eyes.<\/p>\n

\u201cCertainly not.\u201d he protested with a little laugh that confirmed to my way of thinking that he was, if not making fun of me, being very patronising.<\/p>\n

\u201cI think you are,\u201d I said raising my chin and straightening my back.<\/p>\n

\u201cNow, why should I?\u201d he asked and spun me round so that my skirts swirled out around my ankles, \u201cTell me, why should I?\u201d<\/p>\n

I lowered my eyes, and tried to think of something to say; what does a girl say to a man so much older than herself without appearing – childish?<\/p>\n

\u201cThey spoke a lot about you while you were away at college.\u201d I said, \u201cThey missed you. Especially Joe.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes,\u201d Adam nodded, and a slight frown now furrowed his brow, \u201cMy Pa left the Ponderosa for a while and I had sole charge of my brothers, we all became pretty well dependent on one another. I guess my leaving for college came a bit too soon after Pa came home, but -\u201d he shrugged, \u201clife is full of disappointments.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cEspecially when you\u2019re young.\u201d I added.<\/p>\n

\u201cVery true. But they can hurt just as hard when you get older.\u201d he said in a softer tone of voice.<\/p>\n

\u201cDid you enjoy college?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI enjoyed everything about my life back east.\u201d he replied and then he smiled before I could assume more than necessary to the meaning of the words he had spoken, \u201cI was young, independent and learning a lot.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI went to college too.\u201d I said, \u201cI know what you mean.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cFinishing school do you mean?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo, college.\u201d I replied firmly, and half lowered my eye lids, \u201cI was studying history and English Literature.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cPoetry?\u201d he raised his eyebrows.<\/p>\n

\u201cOh yes, definitely. Loads of poetry.\u201d<\/p>\n

He smiled, a warm pleasant smile and held me just a little bit closer. Then the music stopped and Joe was at my elbow to reclaim me.<\/p>\n

Chapter 9<\/p>\n

I relived every moment of that evening before falling asleep in bed that night. I closed my eyes and slipped so easily back into Joe\u2019s arms. I could smell his smell and hear his laughter. I recalled the way his hand held mine and the rose he picked and gave me as we left the house was perfect.<\/p>\n

I drifted into sleep as easily as I had glided into his arms for the dances that evening. I could hear Mr Cartwrights voice as I left making me promise to visit at the weekend, and to stay for a few days \u2026 I heard my own voice replying that it would be wonderful and thank you so much and then I was asleep.<\/p>\n

I had learned to ride and was considered by my associates at home to be an accomplished horsewoman. It had been my intention to hire a horse during my stay and with that in mind I had a hurried breakfast with Uncle Burgess so that I could get to the livery stable and see what was available.<\/p>\n

I had buttoned up my boots and was reaching for my gloves when Uncle Burgess appeared in the sitting room,<\/p>\n

\u201cDorcas, Adam Cartwrights\u2019 wanting to see you.\u201d<\/p>\n

I gulped. Adam Cartwright? But why? What had I done wrong now? Was Joe alright, had something happened to Hoss?<\/p>\n

I hurried out of the room and through the store to where Adam stood, his hands clasped behind his back while he studied a porcelain figurine on one of the shelves.<\/p>\n

\u201cMr Cartwright?\u201d I gasped, realising as I spoke that I was out of breath from nervousness.<\/p>\n

\u201cMiss Dorcas?\u201d he smiled as he turned to face me, \u201cI see you were about to go out?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, I was.\u201d I pulled on my gloves with an air of determination, and smiled, \u201cI was going to see about a horse.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAh, that is the very thing I have come here to see you about.\u201d he said as he walked towards me, taking off his hat very politely as he did so, \u201cPa and my brothers and I were discussing the matter this morning -\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat matter?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThe matter of a horse.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat horse?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYour horse?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cMy horse?\u201d<\/p>\n

Uncle Burgess coughed at this point which was a good thing as the conversation was bordering on the ridiculous.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s outside. Pa agreed that you should have your own horse while you were here, and Hoss with help from Joseph chose it for you.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cReally?\u201d I stepped back in surprise and blinked, it was hard to believe that anyone could think so kindly of me and provide me with a horse as though it were nothing. Horses were so expensive, so important. People were hanged for taking another man\u2019s horse, although it hardly mattered if he ran off with another man\u2019s wife. I heaved in a deep breath, \u201cA horse – for me?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI volunteered to bring it here for you as Hoss and Joe were – er – too busy.\u201d he smiled and crooked an eyebrow which was supposed to indicate something more significant than it did to me.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt isn\u2019t Billy Boy is it?\u201d I laughed and followed him out of the store.<\/p>\n

He laughed as well and in that moment I felt as though we had become friends. The stiffness and whatever it was that had got in the way before was now gone.<\/p>\n

\u201cHere she is,\u201d Adam stopped and took the reins of a horse while at the same time he stroked her nose, \u201cHer name is Mistral.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s the name they call the northerly wind in Southern France.\u201d I whispered as I approached the horse.<\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s right,\u201d he seemed surprised that I knew, and nodded his approval, \u201cShe\u2019s fast, Joe said she was like the wind when he first rode her, so we called her Mistral.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cShe\u2019s lovely.\u201d and I stroked her cheek and looked into her eyes, \u201cOh, thank you, Mr Cartwright, thank you so much. Please thank your Pa for me. You\u2019re all so kind to me.\u201d I could feel the tears welling up into my eyes and sniffed,<\/p>\n

\u201cOur pleasure.\u201d he replied, at the same time producing a clean white handkerchief which he passed over to me, \u201cI\u2019m glad you like her, Dorcas.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cShe\u2019s perfect.\u201d I noticed now, as I dabbed my eyes, that she was saddled and bridled, which caused me to have to blow my nose.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019re not allergic to horses, are you?\u201d Adam laughed.<\/p>\n

\u201cOh no, it\u2019s just that I\u2019m not used to such kindness.\u201d and having said that I blushed, and firmed my lips together so that nothing more would be said about that matter.<\/p>\n

\u201cDon\u2019t forget that you\u2019re expected at the Ponderosa for the weekend. I think one of my brothers will be coming to meet you.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m looking forward to it,\u201d I replied although I had only eyes for Mistral who was drooling as she chewed on the bit.<\/p>\n

He smiled, touched the brim of his hat and bidding me goodbye he turned and walked away.<\/p>\n

\u2026\u2026\u2026\u2026..<\/p>\n

I was stroking Mistral when I heard someone call my name and upon turning saw Jennifer. She was walking towards me with a very pleasant smile on her face.<\/p>\n

\u201cHello, Jennifer.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHello, Dorcas. What a lovely horse. Where did you get her?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cFrom the Ponderosa. Mr Cartwright thought I would need a horse while I was here.\u201d I smiled at her, \u201cAren\u2019t they kind?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, I suppose they are -\u201d she said with a slight coolness to her voice, then she smiled again, which made her look so attractive that I wondered why I hadn\u2019t realised before that Jennifer really was a very nice person, \u201cDorcas, I told my parents that you were back and they have asked if you would like to come and meet with them. I\u2019d like it if you would, Dorcas, you were such a good friend to me at school.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cCertainly. When would it be convenient?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnytime at all. How about in an hour?\u201d<\/p>\n

I accepted with pleasure. That would give me time to arrange for Mistrals\u2019 care at the livery stable. I gave Jennifer a smile and a wave of the hand as she walked away from me, and I congratulated myself on having renewed a friendship.<\/p>\n

Jennifer – she must have been a year or so older than myself but because of her lack of schooling and frail physical condition I had always assumed her to be the same age as myself. I had been surprised when Richard had scornfully informed me that Jennifer was the same age as himself. Now as I led Mistral to the livery stable I heard his voice in my head again<\/p>\n

\u201cYou shouldn\u2019t treat Jennifer as though she were a baby like you, Dorcas. She\u2019s the same age as me, you know.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBut I don\u2019t, Richard.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou do too\u2026\u201d and the door slammed and I remember staring at it and wondering why he was getting angry with me over such a little thing.<\/p>\n

The house had a green door and very highly polished brass door furniture. I knocked and almost instantly the door opened. A young woman in a maid\u2019s uniform stepped aside to admit me and took my gloves and bonnet. I was wondering what to say when Jennifer appeared. She was wearing a grey skirt with a very crisp and expensive white blouse. Understated, and very smart. Her dark chestnut coloured hair was caught at the nape of her neck by a silvery grey ribbon.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m so glad you came, and right on time too.\u201d she slipped her arm through mine as though we had been best friends for years. \u201cMa and Pa are so looking forward to seeing you, Dorcas.\u201d<\/p>\n

I smiled and as we stepped through the door into the sitting room we must have looked the very image of close friends, her arm linked through mine and my hand resting upon her arm. Both of us smiling. We received very warm smiles in return.<\/p>\n

Mr and Mrs Hall were both pleasant people, perhaps a little overwhelmed still by their riches and a little ostentatious in what their riches could provide as a result. Mr Hall looked thin, his skin was yellowing and his hair very grey and lank. His hand, as he shook mine, was trembling. He was obviously very ill and his breathing was harsh, sometimes he seemed to struggle to catch his breath which would result in a long and loud bout of coughing .<\/p>\n

Mrs Hall was also thin, and her face looked worn and tired as though the burden of her husband\u2019s illness weighed heavily upon her. She doted upon his every wish and whim, and when he finally suggested that they \u2019leave the young people to catch up\u2019 she willingly rose to her feet, asked to be excused and together they left the room.<\/p>\n

For a while we talked about what we had both been doing since we had last met one another. She had received an excellent education, spoke several languages and was a really attractive young woman. I was wondering whether to ask her if there was a young man in her life when she smiled at me and asked, rather archly, if I had any hobbies.<\/p>\n

\u201cI like to sew, and to read.\u201d I replied thoughtfully. \u201cI majored in Literature, and read the classics.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnything else?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI enjoy poetry.\u201d I looked at her and wondered if I saw boredom stealing over her face and disappointment in her eyes. \u201cDo you have a hobby, Jennifer?\u201d<\/p>\n

The expression on her face changed immediately and she smiled, nodded, and after a pause said \u201cYes, I have. Do you want to see what it is?\u201d<\/p>\n

I replied promptly in the affirmative and without more ado she rose to her feet, smiled at me and intimated that I followed her.<\/p>\n

We left the rather grand sitting room through a door that led to a small flight of steps into what was the cellar of the house. There was a window at one end of the room through which a spindly light filtered in. I heard the strike of a match and watched as Jennifer lit a lamp,<\/p>\n

\u201cThis is my room,\u201d she said with some pride in her voice and she held the lamp aloft, \u201cI mean, my study room.\u201d she beckoned me towards her, \u201cOr perhaps I should say my exhibits\u2019 room.\u201d She turned and brought the lamp a little lower, \u201cWhat do you think, Dorcas?\u201d<\/p>\n

What did I think? I was spell bound. I looked upon glass cases, several tiers of them, full of bones, fragments of jaw bones, skulls; there were pieces of pottery, shards of bowls, basketwork, arrow heads, flints of all sizes. There were the frail remains of old wampum belts, drawings on thin buffalo hides, the broken remains of a child\u2019s stick and straw doll. I looked at them and then at her,<\/p>\n

\u201cYour exhibits?\u201d I asked in what must have been in tones of awe.<\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s what I call them.\u201d she lingered in front of a cabinet in which she had once placed some bone fragments, including a rather macabre object which upon closer inspection turned out to be a skull. I stepped back hurriedly and shivered,<\/p>\n

\u201cIt was Richard who found that skull. He was the one who got me interested in this when we went collecting bits and pieces from the old Paiute land.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cRichard?\u201d I looked at her in bewilderment as Richard had never brought any thing like this to our home.<\/p>\n

\u201cYes. But we made a pact not to tell anyone. Joe, Richard and I.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cJoseph Cartwright?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s right. Sometimes I\u2019d go with Pa to where he had his mine, it bordered the Ponderosa, so I often joined the boys playing around there. We found a lot of these artefacts in the ground Pa had dug out, that\u2019s what got us looking further afield.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHe never told me anything about this.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOf course he didn\u2019t,\u201d and she tossed her head back proudly, \u201cIt was our secret. You have to remember, Dorcas, you were such a baby back then. What would you have done if Richard came home with an Indian\u2019s skull? Scream? Cry? Run to mother? Of course he couldn\u2019t tell you about it.\u201d<\/p>\n

She was right of course, I probably would have run to mother. Or would I? I would never know now, it was too late.<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd Hoss Cartwright? Did he know about this pact of yours?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo, of course not.\u201d she laughed a trifle scornfully, \u201cHoss was like you, he\u2019d go and tell his Pa. Hoss always does what his Pa tells him. Joe\u2019s different. He\u2019s a free spirit.\u201d<\/p>\n

I said nothing to that. It dismayed me to think she had been so involved with my brother and knew more about Joe than I obviously did. All the time at school I had thought she was so quiet, so shy and timid and frail. I couldn\u2019t have been more wrong.<\/p>\n

\u201c\u201cRichard loved exploring those places. He was always the one who found the very best things. He got so excited by it all.\u201d she shook her head as though coming from out of a dream.<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd you\u2019ve kept these things all these years? But why? Of what possible use are they to you now, Jennifer?\u201d<\/p>\n

I was still staring at the bones in some bewilderment. How and why would a little girl collect such strange objects. I could understand why a boy would have done, boys have such curious minds about things such as these, but a young girl? A woman like Jennifer?<\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t know.\u201d she drawled, \u201cI guess because I like them, they kind of fascinate me. It\u2019s part of the history of this land after all.\u201d she looked at me scornfully, \u201cRichard and Joe found it fascinating, and I guess I went along with it for a while because I wanted to be accepted by them, as one of the boys I suppose.\u201d her voice trailed off and then she looked at me and smiled, \u201cI like to think about what they were like, all those years ago. Don\u2019t you find it fascinating, Dorcas?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo, not really. Do you think I should?\u201d I asked, and looked at her questioningly, but she laughed then, a low little chuckle as though she thought my question somewhat amusing.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou either find it fascinating or not, Dorcas. I doubt it you will ever find it of the same interest that I do.\u201d she shrugged and took my elbow and showed me a few more items. Such tawdry sad little objects that I found of no interest whatsoever and realising that she eventually led the way out of the room. \u201cYou and Richard were so unalike, Dorcas\u2026\u201d she murmured as she closed the door to the basement and led me into the parlour again.<\/p>\n

I nodded in agreement. I knew beyond doubt that she was perfectly accurate in what she had said and there was little point in disagreeing with her.<\/p>\n

She sat down opposite me and poured me another cup of tea, which she handed to me with a smile still on her face. I felt that she were laughing at me and felt the colour mount my cheeks, but said nothing. She took her cup and then after sipping the beverage started to talk about nothing in particular, and I was thinking that she was obviously very bored with me when she asked me if I had plans for the following day.<\/p>\n

\u201cI was going to go riding,\u201d I replied slowly, looking at her in an attempt to discern her reason for asking.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat if we go somewhere for a picnic?\u201d she asked, and a smile, pleasantly friendly, passed over her face, \u201cI have been so bored since coming home, Dorcas, you can\u2019t imagine how lovely it is to have a friend here at last. Tomorrow will be such a lovely day, it would be a pity to waste it. Will you come with me?\u201d she looked at me then, her eyes wide and the lamp held at such an oblique angle cast strange shadows upon her face.<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, yes, of course. I\u2019d like to go.\u201d I replied and for some reason I thought of Richard.<\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s all settled then. We\u2019ll take a picnic. We can make a day of it.\u201d she led the way to the steps, \u201cYou\u2019ll enjoy it, Dorcas. It\u2019ll be such fun.\u201d<\/p>\n

Fun? That was the last thing I imagined it to be, and, as it turned out, I was to be proven right.<\/p>\n

Chapter 10<\/p>\n

\u201cDorcas\u201d<\/p>\n

I turned at the sound of my name and saw Little Joe running towards me. He had his usual wide grin on his face and his eyes were crinkled up at the corners and twinkling, when he got up close I could see the faint trace of freckles spread across his nose,<\/p>\n

\u201cI was hoping to see you. Did you like the horse?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, she\u2019s a beauty. It was very kind of your family to think of me like that, Joe.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh that\u2019s alright,\u201d he dismissed my thanks lightly and stood smiling at me, \u201cI broke her in myself.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDid you name her?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAdam did that -\u201d he replied, \u201cwhen I said how fast she was, like the wind, so up he came with that name.\u201d he frowned slightly then and raised his eyebrows, \u201cAny chance of coming with me for a ride this morning. I\u2019d like to see how you get along with her.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m so sorry, Joe.\u201d and that was said very sincerely, \u201cI have a previous engagement to-day.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh well, never mind. It was just a thought seeing you here now, an\u2019 all. It would have been good to play hookey for a few hours,\u201d he laughed, \u201cwith a pretty girl.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI wouldn\u2019t have minded it myself, but I have promised Jennifer -\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cJennifer?\u201d his smiled faded and he looked solemnly at me, \u201cWhere are you going with her?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh, I don\u2019t know. Just on a picnic, and to catch up with old times.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWell,\u201d Joe paused as though he were about to saying something and then looked at me and I felt his fingers take my hand, briefly, it made me tingle from head to foot, \u201cYou won\u2019t forget about tomorrow, will you?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOf course not.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s alright then, I\u2019ll come and collect you in the buggy.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh, but I was hoping to ride Mistral.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWe\u2019ll bring her along, don\u2019t worry.\u201d he smiled a slow smile, \u201cIt\u2019s a long ride out from town, remember?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, but -\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd you have to bring some things along with you, don\u2019t you? Apart from which it gives us time to talk.\u201d<\/p>\n

I smiled at the thought, he was still holding my hand, and I could barely speak so I just nodded and hoped my smile would be sufficient.<\/p>\n

\u201cGood morning, Joseph.\u201d Jennifer\u2019s voice came from behind me and Joe dropped my hand as though it were a hot coal, \u201cHello, Dorcas. Are you ready?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, of course.\u201d I looked once again at Joe and smilingly bade him farewell.<\/p>\n

He stood there a few moments watching us walk away, but I could see the smile had faded from his face and there was a definite look of concern there instead. There was little doubt that there was bad feeling between them both. Before we reached Jennifer\u2019s buggy I turned to look back at him but he had gone.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou don\u2019t want to be taken in by him, Dorcas.\u201d Jennifer said as she bustled herself into the buggy, \u201cYou\u2019re new here in town, and pretty,\u201d she looked at me then as though she needed to confirm for herself as to the accuracy of that last statement, \u201cthat\u2019s all it needs for Little Joe to home in on you like a bee to honey.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou make him sound like some kind of Lothario.\u201d I smiled, and settled down on the seat beside her.<\/p>\n

\u201cHe is.\u201d she tilted her chin and taking the reins in her hands she sent the horses into a smart pace through town. \u201cJoseph just can\u2019t help himself. Perhaps it\u2019s something he\u2019s inherited from his father, after all, heaven help us, Ben Cartwright had three wives!\u201d she shook her head, \u201cIt\u2019s not as though there are that many girls in Virginia City as it is, but you can guarantee that Joe Cartwright has broken everyone\u2019s heart.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd what about yours, Jennifer? Has he broken yours too?\u201d<\/p>\n

I must have sounded hard, cold, for her words stung me and angered me too. She looked at me as though I had uttered a string of curse words and then gave a shrug of the shoulders,<\/p>\n

\u201cNo. My heart was broken long ago and not by him.\u201d she sighed then, and for a while we fell into silence, \u201cI\u2019m just warning you, Dorcas. It\u2019s only fair, it\u2019s what a friend should do to protect another from being hurt.\u201d<\/p>\n

I wanted to tell her that my heart was none of her business but the harm was done. My pride was dented and my heart troubled. It had been bad enough knowing how involved she had been with Richard and Joe when they were children. I\u2019d had a troubled night with little sleep as I thought of them making pacts and being together, while all I had was Clarabelle and loneliness. I shook myself out of my self pity and forced myself to listen to her as we drove along the track leading out of town,<\/p>\n

\u201cNow that women can go to college and prove ourselves every bit as good as men in whatever career we choose for ourselves, we should use it to our best advantage. I tell you, Dorcas, women are on the threshold of a brave new world. We\u2019ll get the vote, we\u2019ll get equal rights and who knows, perhaps one day there will be a woman elected as President of the United States.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI rather doubt that -\u201d I said with a smile.<\/p>\n

\u201cOh, you shouldn\u2019t.\u201d she looked at me patronisingly, \u201cMen have had too much of their own way for too long. I proved to my college associates that I was every bit as good as them. I showed them that a woman is every bit as good as a man, and in some cases, better.\u201d<\/p>\n

I looked at her thoughtfully, at the stubborn tight little mouth and the petulant scowl on her face. She was an attractive young woman, but at barely 20 years of age it was clear to see how in another 20 years she would be a dried up bitter woman, perhaps with some so called important credentials after her name, but in her pursuit of them she would have lost so much more. I looked away, and wondered though, perhaps she was right. There were more girls entering college and getting their feet fixed firmly on the threshold of the man\u2019s world. Some had pushed open the doors that had been closed firmly against them and it would be interesting, I surmised, to see how wide those doors would open to accommodate them.<\/p>\n

\u201cWomen shouldn\u2019t just settle for marriage and babies now, Dorcas. So get that silly idea out of your head. Look at your mother, for instance, a brilliant teacher and what happened to her? Wasted, a perfect waste of intelligence and knowledge just because some man had come along to give her some security and comfort.\u201d she shook her head and dismissed my mother, \u201cYou have the same intelligence, I can see it, why can\u2019t you?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI do see it, thank you, Jennifer.\u201d I replied quietly.<\/p>\n

\u201cBut seeing it, and using it, that\u2019s two different things.\u201d and she rambled on, lecturing me upon the evils of men and the life women had a right to lead.<\/p>\n

I succumbed to silence and to looking at the landscape, the views, as we continued on with our journey. I wondered who had broken her heart so long ago, and then decided that perhaps I already knew, perhaps it had been Richard.<\/p>\n

For some distance the track ran parallel to the mining works owned by Gould & Curry. The noise and the dust everywhere was sad to witness bearing in mind the beauty of the landscape on the other side of the track. It took some time before we were leaving that behind though, and just driving through a narrow track shadowed by luxuriant trees. The wheels of the buggy caused the long grass and the wild flowers to make a swish swish sound as we rode over them. It was almost possible to imagine that the ugliness of mans industry did not exist.<\/p>\n

Jennifer pulled up beneath some trees and within minutes we had the picnic basket and blanket set out where we could get a fine view of the lake in the distance.<\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s Ponderosa territory,\u201d she pointed to the other side of the lake, \u201cOne thousand square miles of land all owned by one family. It\u2019s immoral really. Don\u2019t you think so?\u201d<\/p>\n

She flopped down beside me and poured out some cordial. It didn\u2019t seem to matter to her that I had offered no answer to her question. She just stared out at the Ponderosa land as though she coveted every inch.<\/p>\n

\u201cJennifer, that time Richard and Joe were ill – were you with them that weekend at all?\u201d I asked this in as nonchalant a manner as I possibly could, and stared across the lake in order not to see her face.<\/p>\n

\u201cNo, I was not. I only went with them when Pa took me with him to the mine. I wasn\u2019t able to go every time Richard was staying at the Ponderosa. Sometimes it was just me and Joe on our own. It was fun exploring.\u201d she smiled slowly, I could \u2019hear\u2019 the smile in her voice as she spoke, \u201cWe must have looked a right pair of vagabonds. We always came back filthy dirty. It was more fun when Richard was with us though, he was far more sensible that Joe, who just ran amok -\u201d she shrugged and looked into the basket to find something to eat, \u201cDon\u2019t you find it so peaceful here, Dorcas? It makes me think about the people who used to live here so long ago. Have you ever sat under a tree and wondered who may have sat here before and what they did, what they said?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNot really,\u201d I replied lamely, and wondered if I were lacking in imagination. \u201cJennifer, what did happen to Joe and Richard that weekend?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t know. I was told the same thing that everyone else was told, that they went where they shouldn\u2019t have gone.\u201d she nibbled at the sandwich she held in her hands and after a moment\u2019s pause said \u201cWhy not just leave it alone now, Dorcas. It happened a long time ago. It happened, and there\u2019s nothing we can do about it to change things now.\u201d<\/p>\n

I felt I had been dismissed. I took some food from the basket and began to nibble at it, but it was tasteless, and for some reason I wanted to go home, back to the town, back to Uncle Burgess\u2019 store. I just wanted to go home and think about Richard, and Joe.<\/p>\n

We chatted about inconsequential subjects while we ate and drank our raspberry cordial. Then she stood up, brushed the crumbs from her skirts and smiling turned to me,<\/p>\n

\u201cCome on, Dorcas, let\u2019s go explore!\u201d<\/p>\n

Exploration was the last thing on my mind. But I followed her and clambered up the sloping hillside to where the land levelled off. She stood there for a few minutes and then pointed to a spot a few hundred feet away,<\/p>\n

\u201cOver there \u2026\u201d she said and walked off with a determination that did her credit but was far too hurried for my liking. I lagged behind a little and took care for my skirts not to get snagged on the twigs that reached out at ground level as we passed by.<\/p>\n

There was a distinct chill and a strange solitude in this area. It fell upon me like a shroud and I shivered as I looked about me. There were far fewer trees, the ground was very damp and there were no wild flowers growing. I followed her until she stopped and turned to me,<\/p>\n

\u201cThis was a burial place for the people who lived here hundreds of years ago. It\u2019s where Richard found that skull I showed you \u2026 \u201c she bent down and scratched away some moss, to reveal dark soil and after some prodding about she brought out from the earth some beads. She turned to show me, bright beads in the palm of her muddied hand, \u201cThis place is a treasure trove of findings, Dorcas. Let\u2019s go further in -\u201d and she began to walk towards where the trees were growing more thickly together, as though they were huddled in secret in that strange eerie place.<\/p>\n

I thought of Richard and Joe, running about here, finding arrow heads and beads, perhaps some bones. Once again I wondered why Richard had never mentioned it to me, and had to remind myself that I was only 6, and a boy of 9 or 10 would hardly consider a six year old a worthy associate in his games. I walked slowly along, touched the tree trunks as I passed, feeling the ground squelch beneath my feet, and wondering why there was such a horrible atmosphere about the place.<\/p>\n

\u201cDorcas?\u201d<\/p>\n

I froze to the spot. A shiver trickled down my spine and I felt the colour drain out of face. Richard? Was it – could it possibly be – and then the voice said once again,<\/p>\n

\u201cDorcas?\u201d and a hand gripped my elbow. \u201cWhat are you doing here?\u201d<\/p>\n

I swallowed hard, felt giddy for a moment and then looked into Joe\u2019s concerned face as he brought it closer to mine, as though he needed to look into my eyes for the answer to his question.<\/p>\n

\u201cJennifer brought me here. We\u2019re looking for – for things.\u201d<\/p>\n

His mouth had no smile upon it. His eyes looked large and anguished and he turned round and called her name, loudly. His voice seemed to echo in the air some minutes before she turned to face us.<\/p>\n

Chapter 11<\/p>\n

She walked towards us slowly, as though it was an enormous nuisance but that she felt obliged to do so for the sake of peace. When she was quite close she raised her eyebrows at Joe<\/p>\n

\u201cJoseph Cartwright? What are you doing here?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI was concerned about Dorcas. I wanted to make sure you weren\u2019t bringing her here, and what do I find, but it\u2019s exactly here that you have brought her. Jennifer, you know you shouldn\u2019t be here.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cFor goodness sake, Joe.\u201d she shrugged, \u201cYou do run on so.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhy shouldn\u2019t we be here, Joe?\u201d I asked, \u201cAre we doing something wrong?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cShe knows.\u201d he replied angrily.<\/p>\n

\u201cLook, Joe, just because you promised your father that you would never set foot on this spot again, it doesn\u2019t mean that everyone else has to stay away from it.\u201d Jennifer snapped, and her eyes darkened with her anger and she looked at me, \u201cCome on, Dorcas, I\u2019ve something here to show you.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo. Don\u2019t, Jennifer\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

She had been about to turn and resume her walk but now stopped, looked at Joe as though he were more to be pitied than anything else, and then smiled at me,<\/p>\n

\u201cJoe can\u2019t let go of the past either, Dorcas. He\u2019s afraid to come here now because of what happened last time. Isn\u2019t that right, Joe?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo, that isn\u2019t right.\u201d he replied with a tension in his voice I had never heard before. I think had she been a man he would have punched her for I saw his fingers curl into fists by his side. He was restraining himself with an immense effort.<\/p>\n

\u201cDorcas, you wanted to know what happened here – why don\u2019t you ask him?\u201d she tossed her head and in her defiance she looked quite terrible and quite beautiful.<\/p>\n

\u201cWas this where Richard and you were that time, when you were both so ill?\u201d I asked Joe quietly.<\/p>\n

He looked fiercely at Jennifer again before he turned to face me, took off his hat and nodded. The thin sunlight straggling through the few trees glowed upon his hair,<\/p>\n

\u201cYes. It\u2019s here that Pa told us not to come, he told us it was a bad place. I told Jennifer and Richard but she dared us to come here anyway. Richard hated it when Jennifer dared us to do things, it used to make him angry but – but we always did the dare. We came here in defiance of what Pa had told us, and -\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cGo on,\u201d Jennifer taunted him, her eyes fixed upon his face.<\/p>\n

\u201cJennifer and Richard had come here once on their own. They had found a well. It\u2019s unusual for Paiute to dig wells and I didn\u2019t believe them when they told me. She dared us to come here. Richard knew where it was so it didn\u2019t take us long, Jennifer was here already -\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBut -\u201d I looked at Jennifer, puzzled and confused, recalling to mind that she had told me she had not been with them. She shrugged at me and continued to stare at Joe.<\/p>\n

\u201cWe just looked around for more arrow heads, or bones \u2026 Richard had found a complete skull one time\u2026 I wanted to find something decent to boast about but didn\u2019t. The we went back to the well and looked down to see how far it would go. We threw pebbles down there and heard the water, it wasn\u2019t too deep. Richard leaned too far \u2026\u201d Joe gulped, I saw his Adam\u2019s apple jerk and he shook his head as though he wanted the memory to go away.<\/p>\n

\u201cHe fell in?\u201d I whispered.<\/p>\n

\u201cYes. We called to him but he never answered for a while and when he did his voice sounded strange. He was frightened. I told Jennifer to go and get her Pa, and then when she was gone I went down myself. As I said it wasn\u2019t very far down, and the water wasn\u2019t deep, it was mostly mud. I tried to support him as best I could but he\u2019d struck his head and was bleeding badly.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThe water and mud – they were poisoned, weren\u2019t they?\u201d I said in a low voice.<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, something here in the soil, it isn\u2019t good. Perhaps all the dead bodies that have rotted and decomposed over the years. Perhaps there was a time when there had been sickness here \u2026 which caused so many deaths and that\u2019s seeped into the soil, and then into the well. Pa had been told by Chief Winnemucca that the land was taboo. Not just out of respect for the dead, but because the dead didn\u2019t rest, they claimed the lives of the living who came here.\u201d<\/p>\n

I turned to look at Jennifer. I looked at her for some minutes, unable to speak, just looking at her as though seeing her through new eyes. She had been the child who had sat by my side and asked me to read to her during recess, because she couldn\u2019t read. She was the child who unknowingly to me had dared my brother and Joe to disobey Ben Cartwright, and to risk their lives. And she had lied to me.<\/p>\n

\u201cI think I\u2019ll go home now.\u201d I said quietly.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ll take you home, Dorcas.\u201d Joe said and reached out for my hand.<\/p>\n

I hadn\u2019t stopped to think about how I would get home, Mistral was at the livery stables, and there was just Joe\u2019s horse, and Jennifer\u2019s buggy. She shrugged and walked towards us,<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ll take her home, she would look stupid riding in on your horse in that dress.\u201d she snorted angrily, and strode away from us in the direction of the buggy.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m sorry, Dorcas.\u201d Joe said as he held my hand, \u201cI\u2019m sorry for what happened to Richard and sorry for – for not explaining it to you more clearly.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cMy mother could have explained it to me, Joe. You did the best you could for him.\u201d I sighed, \u201cIt\u2019s in the past now. Let\u2019s leave it there, shall we?\u201d<\/p>\n

I looked at him earnestly, I wanted to do that \u2026 leave the bad things behind, and look to the good things ahead. He smiled, squeezed my fingers gently,<\/p>\n

\u201cYou will still come tomorrow, won\u2019t you?\u201d he said in a low voice.<\/p>\n

\u201cI had not forgotten.\u201d I replied and let him release my hand so that it dropped at my side.<\/p>\n

He rode past us on his horse as we turned the buggy and headed for the town. Jennifer was quiet. She stared ahead and her face was pale, her eyes dark. All her confidence seemed to have drained away and I wondered what she was thinking as she drove along towards Virginia City.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m sorry I lied to you,\u201d she said eventually, \u201cI didn\u2018t want to have to acknowledge that I was there, and that I knew what had happened. I didn\u2019t want to hear you asking me questions and having to go into all the details. It was bad enough at the time as it was, I didn\u2018t want to go through it all over again.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhy did you bring me here then? Why did you have to bring me to that place with so many bad memories when you knew -\u201d I stopped myself saying any more, and turned away from her.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhy shouldn\u2019t I bring you, or anyone else for that matter? It\u2019s an interesting place, as well as quite beautiful. It\u2019s a place that has happy memories for me, when I was a child. I thought you would have liked to have seen where Richard used to like playing.\u201d she looked accusingly at me, as though I had done her some great wrong in not understanding or sharing in her desire to be there. \u201cHe was always so clever, and smart. He made me feel stupid. He was always the leader, the one who told us what to do, and for once, I wanted to prove that I was better than them both. I knew about the well, he didn\u2019t. That was all.\u201d she frowned, shrugged, and her lips tightened.<\/p>\n

\u201cI thought you cared for Richard. You said you still went to his grave\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh Dorcas, you really are so stupid at times.\u201d she laughed lightly and flicked a look at me that was as painful as though it were a whip lash. \u201cI always loved Joe, and Richard was – was always there with us, always in the way.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBut I thought \u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh you thought, you thought \u2026 well, Dorcas, you thought wrong. That\u2019s all there is to say about the matter.\u201d her face concertinaed into a scowl.<\/p>\n

\u201cDo you still love Joe?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI was a child then, I\u2019m an adult now. Of course I don\u2019t love Joseph Cartwright now. Dorcas, it\u2019s about time you grew up.\u201d<\/p>\n

Chapter 12<\/p>\n

Our parting was cool. I don\u2019t think I ever wanted to see her again and was obviously looking distressed as I went into the store because Uncle Burgess excused himself from the customer to come in and find out if I were alright.<\/p>\n

Poor Uncle Burgess. After assuring him that I was alright but had a slight headache he returned to his customer and probably forgot all about me.<\/p>\n

I had a lot to think about now. Jennifer\u2019s tirade over Little Joe\u2019s flirtations were obviously due to the fact that her feelings for him had never been returned. How strange it is that we children had such strong feelings for another when so young and that these grew alongside our own physical growth over the years. I could understand that, after all, I had loved Joe since I had first met him although I had not realised it was love until the day he had said I was cute when riding Billy Boy.<\/p>\n

I decided that the best way to blow cobwebs out of my head was to go for a ride on Mistral.<\/p>\n

She was everything that Joe and Adam had said she was – surefooted, fast and a good companion. I loved her for her smart looks, and the mischief in her eyes and the way she nuzzled against my shoulder when she saw me. We were already friends.<\/p>\n

It was good to ride out of town. The continual sounds of the mining activity was a constant reminder that the town owed its growth and wealth to the gold and silver being dragged out of the soil. It was not long before I was riding through some lovely green land with trees growing in little clusters providing shelter and beauty for the traveller. I was not sure exactly where I was except that it was not Ponderosa land. My uncertainty lay more with the fact that I was ignorant of the ownership of the land. I let Mistral have her head and kept myself well tucked in to the saddle with my head on a level with hers. It was the most wonderful way of blowing away cobwebs that I could ever have wished for, particularly on this day.<\/p>\n

After a while I slowed her to a walk, and was about to turn her back when I recognised a black and white horse galloping some distance away. He was riding across my line of vision and would have been more interested in pursuing his objective than gazing around to see if anyone else was nearby. I smiled to myself as I thought of our roles now being reversed. He had ridden in during my morning with Jennifer and now I could follow him and watch him rope in a steer or whatever it was he was hoping to achieve at the end of his ride.<\/p>\n

It took twenty minutes to actually reach the place where Cochise was grazing. I looked around and thought it was a strange place for Joe to be roping in strays, I had not thought of it before but this was not the Ponderosa anyway. I slid from the saddle and left Mistral to graze alongside Cochise. Walking slowly through the grasses and brushing aside the shrubs I was led in the direction from where I could hear voices. One voice was talking, reading it would seem, and every so often I would hear Joe\u2019s voice. A light voice, then Joe\u2019s voice \u2026 a girls voice.<\/p>\n

I stopped. This was probably the time to turn back. Going onwards could only mean seeing or hearing something that I would not want to see or hear. The voice in my head urged me onwards after all, it said, why leave now and speculate on the worse thing imaginable, when what you see for yourself could be nothing more innocent than – well – Joe talking to some old woman about the price of horses.<\/p>\n

I continued on and only stopped when I could see them for myself through the foliage of the shrubs. There was a pool and on the grassy banks was spread a blanket, upon which Joe and a young girl were reclining. He was lying full length, with his head resting on one hand, his elbow dug into the ground, and face turned towards the girl. She was sitting, a pretty girl with dark hair caught up by a ribbon, and in her hands was a book from which she was reading. Once she broke off to look at him and laughed a little at something he had said.<\/p>\n

It was an intimate moment between a boy and a girl. Were they lovers in the most innocent meaning of the word? I stood there with my mouth dry, my heart racing, my mind swimming in misery. He leaned forward then and kissed her \u2026<\/p>\n

I don\u2019t know how I managed to get back to Mistral without betraying my presence. Perhaps they were so bound up with one another that they didn\u2019t even realise I was there. I managed to get into the saddle and turn Mistral towards town. After that I have no idea what happened. I just cried all the way.<\/p>\n

Before I reached town I brought Mistral to a stop and dismounted. I had to calm down. I had to reason with myself about what I had seen and how it related to myself and my feelings. At least I could understand how Jennifer felt now.<\/p>\n

I remembered the girl now. A little girl about a year younger than myself. Amy. Amy Bishop. She lived on the land known as the Truckee. Well, Amy Bishop you certainly had grown into a very pretty young woman I thought to myself, and you obviously have Joe Cartwright besotted with you.<\/p>\n

I had no right to expect him to care about me. I told myself that having moved out of his life over ten years ago, a child of 6\/7 years old, I had no claims to him whatsoever. He had never been privy to my day dreams, my castles in the air in which he ruled as king. He knew nothing of the silly stories I told myself that fuelled this fantasy love of mine for him. My childish love had hardened over the years into the fondest love of someone I didn\u2019t even know.<\/p>\n

I told myself this over and over again as I sat there, my chin in my hands and elbows on my knees, while Mistral chomped on the grass nearby. But it still hurt. The memory of them kissing, being together, sharing time together. It bruised my heart to remember how he had held my hand only a few hours earlier and I had allowed my feelings to flood through me, making me vulnerable, fanciful.<\/p>\n

I suddenly felt that I was the loneliest woman in the whole world. I was 17 years old and felt the weight of someone 70 years older upon my shoulders.<\/p>\n

Chapter 13<\/p>\n

I spent the evening with Uncle Burgess, as I had since my arrival. He was a sad and lonely man now and awkward in my company. We sat opposite one another like an elderly couple who had throughout our lifetime talked through everything until there was nothing now left to say.<\/p>\n

He went over his ledgers, counted his money, rechecked his ledgers and finally decided it was time to go to bed. At the door to the store which would take him to his sleeping quarters he turned and looked at me,<\/p>\n

\u201cDorcas, there isn\u2019t anything worrying you, is there? You seem so sad this evening.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m alright, Uncle Burgess. Thank you very much for being so kind.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019re a pretty little girl, you know. I always knew you would grow up to be a beauty.\u201d and he smiled his gentle sweet smile which was so replicate of my Mothers that I felt a catch in my throat,<\/p>\n

\u201cThank you, Uncle Burgess.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou can talk to me, you know, if you do have anything upsetting you.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m alright, Uncle, I promise. I was just considering when to leave -\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh, so you\u2019re not going to stay? I thought perhaps you would.\u201d he stepped back into the room a few paces and regarded me steadily, and then sighed, \u201cWell, my dear, you must do what you think best.\u201d and without another word he shuffled off and closed the door behind him, aware of the fact that yet another female had disappointed him.<\/p>\n

There was little point in staying in the room on my own much longer. I stood up and turned out the oil lamps and retired to my own room. For a long time I lay in bed staring up at the ceiling and watching the shadows moving like giant skeletal fingers across the splintered plaster.<\/p>\n

Tomorrow was Friday. I fell asleep wondering how I could excuse myself from this vaguely promised few days at the Ponderosa. I fell asleep and promptly plunged into a dream with Joe\u2019s face looking down at me and his eyes promising me wonderful things \u2026 just as had happened in countless dreams during the past ten years.<\/p>\n

\u2026\u2026\u2026\u2026 \u2026\u2026\u2026\u2026.<\/p>\n

There was the knock on the door and steadying my nerves and resolution I opened it and smiled at the young man standing there with the big smile on his face. He had already collected Mistral who was on a leading rein tethered to the back of the buggy.<\/p>\n

\u201cReady, Dorcas?\u201d Joe said with that familiar chuckle in his voice.<\/p>\n

He was in good spirits. He was in love. He glowed with it. I smiled and indicated my valise which he picked up and whistling to himself carried it to the buggy.<\/p>\n

I called out goodbye to Uncle Burgess and closed the door. He was waiting to help me to the seat when I reached the vehicle and smiled at me again,<\/p>\n

\u201cI reckon you should put on a few pounds during the next few days, Dorcas. Hop Sings planned some great meals for you.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cReally?\u201d I smiled at him and smoothed my skirts, \u201cI\u2019ll look forward to them. He\u2019s such a wonderful cook.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSure is, I reckon if anything happened to Hop Sing Hoss would just about wither and die.\u201d<\/p>\n

He clicked his tongue and flicked the reins and the two horses obediently trotted off. We passed through the town and out into the countryside, while all the time he whistled or hummed under his breath, and I sat there with my hands folded in my lap wondering what to say, what to talk about, anything other than the one thing that was on my mind. But it was Joe who broke the silence first,<\/p>\n

\u201cDorcas, I\u2019m sorry about yesterday. With Jennifer, I mean.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cShe lied to me. She told me that she hadn\u2019t been there when you and Richard got into trouble.\u201d<\/p>\n

He frowned and his lips thinned,<\/p>\n

\u201cShe was there alright.\u201d his voice was hard and the usual light heartedness had vanished, \u201cI always thought she had a soft spot for Richard -\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhy? Why would you think that?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBecause she was always wanting to be around when he was with me. She was always suggesting what to do and where to go. Had this weird fascination for dead things.\u201d he shook his head, \u201cRichard did too, come to that -\u201d his voice trailed away, \u201cDid you know that?\u201d he looked at me apologetically.<\/p>\n

\u201cNot until Jennifer told me. He never told me that Jennifer joined you on his weekends at the Ponderosa.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, I guess he thought he was being the big brother at the time. Adam and Hoss never told me a lot of things for the same reason. You were very little back then, Dorcas.\u201d and he smiled at me with that look on his face that usually would have melted my heart.<\/p>\n

During the night I had reinforced my heart with sound argumentation, and could meet his smile with one of my own. One that I knew would not touch his heart at all.<\/p>\n

\u201cDid it never occur to you that she resented Richard being there, because she loved you? Children can love passionately you know, and she loved you, Joe.\u201d<\/p>\n

He looked somewhat taken aback and turned away to observe the road with more attention than normal, then he slowly shook his head,<\/p>\n

\u201cShe never indicated that – but why should she? We were kids, just kids.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSometimes I don\u2019t think Jennifer was ever a child.\u201d I sighed, \u201cIt happens though, doesn\u2019t it? Children can feel such an affection for another and sometimes they just don\u2019t outgrow it. Jennifer was so much the opposite of you by nature, Joe, I think she loved you because you were the one person who made her feel happy and made her laugh.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019re building up a defence for her now.\u201d Joe smiled, \u201cYou didn\u2019t study law at college, did you?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo. But I\u2019ve had a lot of revelations about those whom I loved during these past few days, and I\u2019ve had a lot of thinking to do.\u201d<\/p>\n

He was silent then and continued on for a while, obviously deep in thought. Then he began to talk about things relative to the Ponderosa, to the town, and to various other people whom he thought I may recall and be interested in. I was not, but it made me realise that as far as he was concerned, I was still little Dorcas, and no one very special to him at all.<\/p>\n

By the time we reached the Ponderosa we were talking like old friends should and do. It was very pleasant and quite comfortable, but my heart felt like lead. I kept thinking intrusive thoughts as we talked, thoughts of what could have been if my childhood fantasy could have been a reality after all. I knew I was only hurting myself . But unbidden the thoughts stole into my mind and robbed me of the enjoyment of that ride with Joe.<\/p>\n

Mr Cartwright and his sons, Adam and Hoss, came out of the house as the buggy rocked to a halt. Hoss was the one to step forward and take my hand to help me down, and then leaned over to pick up my valise. Joe untethered Mistral and took her to the stables while Hoss escorted me to the house where I was greeted warmly by Mr Cartwright and Adam.<\/p>\n

Mr Cartwright had the gift of making his visitors relaxed and it was not long before we were seated at the table enjoying the food Hop Sing had laboured over for us. Joe was relaxed and happy ignorant of my love for him and basking in the joy of being in love himself. I took care not to pay him more than the normal attention that a visitor would pay to her host\u2019s youngest son.<\/p>\n

Adam led me to the settee after the meal and then poured me some coffee. He was a handsome man, confident in himself and with the air of a man who had the ability to achieve anything he set his mind to do. Women would find him alluringly attractive. I could sense that he had that kind of animal chemistry about him. I found him fascinating, but also rather intimidating.<\/p>\n

He showed me his newest book, a first edition which must have cost him quite a sum of money even though Lord Byron\u2019s poems were not what I thought to have been Adam Cartwright\u2019s kind of poet. As he passed it into my hands and encouraged me to read it I asked him if he enjoyed reading Lord Byron\u2019s poetry and he smiled slowly,<\/p>\n

\u201cI read a section of a letter he had written to Thomas Moore in 1821. It appealed to me.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat did it say?\u201d<\/p>\n

Mr Cartwright settled down in his chair and balanced a cup and saucer in his hand, inclined his head as though he too were interested in what Adam had to say. Joe and Hoss sat close to the low table in front of the settee and prepared to start a game of checkers.<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, he said \u2018I can never get people to understand that poetry is the expression of excited passion, and that there is no such thing as a life of passion any more than a continuous earthquake or an eternal fever. Besides, who would ever shave themselves in such a state?\u201d\u201d<\/p>\n

He spoke solemnly, but his eyes twinkled; Hoss guffawed and Joe glanced up at me and smiled, winked, before settling to his game. I sat quite still absorbing what Adam had quoted before I blinked and shook my head.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat a strange thing to write,\u201d and I looked over at Mr Cartwright who was smiling at me over the rim of his cup, \u201cI thought he was going to say something quite profound.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI know, that\u2019s why I decided to read his poetry.\u201d Adam said with a chuckle in his voice still. \u201cI thought he was a master of irony, and liked his turn of phrase. You did study poetry in college, did you not tell me?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, I did. I read some of Byron\u2019s poems.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHave you a favourite? I could find it here if you like?\u201d and he took the book from me and in doing so his fingers touched my hand and something like electricity tingled through me. I felt as though I were going to burst into fire and lowered my head, to concentrate on my cup of coffee.<\/p>\n

\u201cHow about this one,\u201d he said and cleared his throat which was accompanied by groans from both his brothers. They were duly ignored.<\/p>\n

\u201cShe walks in beauty \u2026<\/p>\n

She walks in beauty like the night
\nOf cloudless climes and starry skies;
\nAnd all that\u2019s best of dark and bright
\nMeets in her aspect and her eyes:
\nThus mellow\u2019d to that tender light
\nWhich heaven to gaudy day denies.<\/p>\n

One shade the more, one ray the less,
\nHad half impair\u2019d the nameless grace
\nWhich waves in every raven tress,
\nOr softly lightens o\u2019er her face –
\nWhere thoughts serenely sweet express
\nHow pure, how dear their dwelling-place.<\/p>\n

And on that cheek, and o\u2019er that brow,
\nSo soft, so calm, yet eloquent,
\nThe smiles that win, the tints that glow,
\nBut tells in days of goodness spent,
\nA mind at peace with all below,
\nA heart whose love is innocent.\u201d<\/p>\n

He looked straight up and into my eyes as he concluded that last verse, and I was aware of two dark intense eyes staring into my own. I could barely breathe. It was as though he had searched right into my heart and found me sadly lacking.<\/p>\n

\u201cHow about something lighter -\u201d Ben suggested.<\/p>\n

\u201cHow about some music and a song.\u201d Hoss boomed and this last suggestion was greeted with a loud whoop from Joe who sprung to his feet to find a guitar which he promptly handed to Adam.<\/p>\n

And so the evening ended with singing, and laughter, and clapping hands and tapping feet. The day ended much happier than it had begun.<\/p>\n

Chapter 14<\/p>\n

We met again at breakfast. I had slept so well that I felt completely relaxed and refreshed. I had slept without dreams and so awoke with a far happier outlook on the day.<\/p>\n

Mr Cartwright and Adam were already eating their food, and Hop Sing came out immediately to serve me scrambled eggs and ham and toasted bread. The butter was rich and creamy yellow, and everything smelled delicious. Adam poured me some coffee,<\/p>\n

\u201cDid you sleep well, Dorcas?\u201d he asked pleasantly and smiled at me over the coffee pot.<\/p>\n

\u201cBetter than I have done since I arrived in Virginia City\u201d I replied.<\/p>\n

\u201cJoe told us about Jennifer – what happened at the old burial grounds.\u201d he frowned slightly, \u201cDidn\u2019t you realise she would take you there?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo. Not at all.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cShe has a fondness for the macabre.\u201d he shrugged and stared at his food as though he had found maggots in it.<\/p>\n

\u201cShe\u2019s an anthropologist.\u201d I replied and he looked up at me, met my eyes and smiled. I blushed.<\/p>\n

Joe came cluttering down the stairs, yawned, and bade us good morning. He pulled out a chair and sat down. Hoss was prompt behind him and smiled at me warmly as he took his seat,<\/p>\n

\u201cSleep alright, Miss Dorcas?\u201d he asked in his usual warm manner and I nodded and smiled, \u201cThat\u2019s fine and dandy.\u201d<\/p>\n

Hop Sing came and served them their food. Joe continued to yawn until he had got half way through his meal, then he looked up at his father.<\/p>\n

\u201cPa, I thought I\u2019d best check for strays this morning.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh?\u201d Ben looked surprised, glanced in my direction and then back at Joe, \u201cAre you sure you haven\u2019t other duties to consider first?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, they ain\u2019t gonna find their way home by themselves, are they?\u201d he grinned as though his comment would amuse us, he smiled at me, \u201cYou don\u2019t mind if I get down to work, do you, Dorcas?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo, you do what you want to do, Joe. I just thought I would go for a ride on Mistral.\u201d I replied, and then, for some stupid reason which can only be blamed on immaturity and jealousy I added, \u201cI thought I\u2019d ride down to the Truckee. I knew a girl there at school, Amy Bishop, and thought it would be good to see her again.\u201d<\/p>\n

Ben Cartwright drew himself up very upright and raised his eyebrows,<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m sorry, Dorcas, but that won\u2019t be possible.\u201d he said, \u201cI\u2019m afraid that there\u2019s bad blood between the Bishops on the Truckee and the Ponderosa just now. It could be dangerous if you went there. Bishops men are pretty trigger happy right now.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThey\u2019re not the only ones though, are they, Pa?\u201d Joe blurted out angrily, \u201cAren\u2019t we just as bad?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s enough, Joe.\u201d Ben scowled at him, and his dark eyes looked as though they could scorch through wood, \u201cI don\u2019t know what\u2019s got into you lately, boy, the way you dictate to us how we should treat the Bishops. You know very well \u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, I know, I\u2019ve heard it countless times and I\u2019m sure Dorcas will find it very interesting for breakfast conversation but I\u2019m sick of hearing about it.\u201d he pushed himself away from the table and threw down his napkin, apologised to me and then excused himself.<\/p>\n

\u201cJOSEPH!\u201d<\/p>\n

Ben\u2019s voice boomed across the room and I quaked in my shoes. I had no idea my stupid remark would result in this explosion. Of course I now understood exactly why Joe was so angry, and also why he was being so devious in not telling his family about his feelings for Amy. The door slammed shut and Ben half rose as though to go after him, then thought better of it. He sat down and looked at me,<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m sorry about that, Dorcas. None of us like the fact that we are at odds with Bishop, which involves Amy as well, nor do we like it that the feud has gone on for so long. The fact is that we\u2019re at stalemate just now -\u201d he glanced down at his plate before pushing it away.<\/p>\n

\u201cThere\u2019s a disagreement about some land known as the Truckee Strip. We\u2019ve got in in writing that we have the right to it, but Bishop insists it\u2019s his. Some men have been killed on both sides and once blood is spilled it makes it harder for both parties to step back and give in to the other.\u201d Adam explained calmly. \u201cMore coffee, Dorcas?\u201d<\/p>\n

I shook my head and decided that in future I would keep my mouth shut and my feelings locked away until they withered from lack of attention.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ll take you to see the best places on the Ponderosa.\u201d Mr Cartwright said suddenly, \u201cIt\u2019s a long time since I had the pleasure of escorting such a pretty young lady around the place.\u201d<\/p>\n

He smiled at me. I caught, out of the corner of my eye, the glance that passed between Adam and Hoss, but I said nothing. I thanked Mr Cartwright for the offer and accepted it.<\/p>\n

\u2026\u2026\u2026\u2026\u2026.<\/p>\n

Hoss and Adam rode with us some part of the way and then galloped south to do some fence repair work. Mr Cartwright and I rode side by side in silence for some time, veering to the left where the trees grew to provide shelter. Now and again he would pause and show me some of the spectacular views that his land encompassed.<\/p>\n

\u201cI used to bring your Mother here,\u201d he said suddenly as we paused to drink in the view of the lake.<\/p>\n

We were high up although the incline had been gradual and not even difficult for the horses at all. Below us the pines thronged close together like a massive fringe overshadowing the lake. It was a pure blue as it reflected the sky. There were no clouds, nothing to mar the immensity of the blueness. Looking down upon such a scene it truly did take ones breath away.<\/p>\n

\u201cDid you?\u201d I looked at him and tried to remember those visits so long ago, but my life had been so involved with the activities of Joe and Richard that what was happening between my Mother and Ben had now slipped out of my mind.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019re a lot like your Mother,\u201d he said, leaning on the pommel of his saddle and towards me as though to look more closely at my face, \u201cNot so much in looks but in the way you speak, the pitch of your voice, and some of your mannerisms.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cMama says I look more like my father\u2019s sister.\u201d I admitted, wondering if he thought I was plain in comparison to my mother who was still a very beautiful woman.<\/p>\n

\u201cThen your aunt must have been a very lovely lady, Dorcas.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThank you, Mr Cartwright. From what I remember my Papa was a very handsome man.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYour Mother told me about your Father, and how he died. Life carries with it a lot of sorrows, doesn\u2019t it?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, sir, it does, as you know only too well.\u201d perhaps that was bold of me to allude to his wives, but I meant well and he nodded and smiled sadly in acknowledgement.<\/p>\n

\u201cDorcas, is your Mother happy now?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI believe so, Mr Cartwright. She and Mr Hansworth are in Europe at her wish.\u201d<\/p>\n

He frowned slightly as though that was not quite what he wanted to hear, and I suddenly remembered that day when Mr Hansworth came to take Mother out, when Richard and I had thought it would have been Mr Cartwright. I remembered also that no Cartwright attended the wedding. I glanced away and watched as a hawk hovered in the sky before streaking down to disappear among the trees.<\/p>\n

\u201cDid she – did she forgive Joe for what happened to Richard?\u201d he said, his voice was soft, quiet.<\/p>\n

I looked up at him and frowned slightly,<\/p>\n

\u201cBut it wasn\u2019t Joe\u2019s fault. No one could blame Joe.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m afraid your Mother did, Dorcas. It\u2019s what -\u201d he paused and sighed, \u201cWell, it was a long time ago now. I would hope she had forgiven him, and that she has been happy these past ten years.\u201d he pulled at the reins of his horse and turned its head round.<\/p>\n

We rode down and away from the lovely view. I thought of my Mother and her marriage to Mr Hansworth. I wondered if Mr Cartwright sensed that my Mother had not been happy with her new husband, or, to be more honest, had not been as happy as she had hoped.<\/p>\n

\u201cMr Hansworth is a very kind man.\u201d I said hesitantly, \u201cHe gets her whatever she wants, she only ever has to say.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, I\u2019m sure he is.\u201d he smiled at me, but his eyes looked sad.<\/p>\n

\u201cSometimes,\u201d I said quietly, \u201cfor some reason, people make the wrong choices, don\u2019t they?\u201d<\/p>\n

He looked at me again, as though he wondered why I had said such a thing and then he nodded,<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, Dorcas, we all do.\u201d<\/p>\n

We rode on in companionable silence for some time and then he turned to show me another view, this time much closer to the lake which seemed to sweep far away from us to meet the horizon far distant.<\/p>\n

\u201cHave you forgiven Joe for what happened to Richard?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, I forgave him long ago, when we were children. Now of course I know what really happened with Jennifer -\u201d I frowned a little then and looked at him, \u201cDid Mother know about Jennifer?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo one knew. I only knew myself yesterday when Joe told us what had happened between the three of you.\u201d he shrugged, \u201cJoe has a very strong sense of loyalty.\u201d<\/p>\n

I nodded and said nothing to that, but thought of Joe being with Amy Bishop and wondered where exactly his loyalties stood now.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s always better to be honest. I\u2019ll tell Mother what happened when I see her. If she does feel anything unjustly towards Joe I\u2019m sure she won\u2019t when she knows the truth.\u201d<\/p>\n

He nodded as though he understood and appreciated what I was saying, although perhaps it no longer held as much importance now as it would once have done.<\/p>\n

We dismounted and walked side by side through the tall grasses that swayed in the slight breeze that wafted down from the mountains. I plucked some wild flowers and twisted them into a small nosegay which I presented to him with a smile, and he laughed shyly, like a much younger man, as he accepted it.<\/p>\n

\u201cI was very fond of your Mother, Dorcas.\u201d he suddenly said when we had come to a standstill.<\/p>\n

He was leaning against the trunk of a tree and the filtered sun through the leaves caused the shadows to be dappled over him. Light and shade falling across his face. He was still a handsome man. He was tall and broad shouldered, and due to being a hard worker he had not run to fat like many men of his age. His hair although grey was still plentiful and well groomed, and his eyes were magnificently dark. I could well understand why women fell in love with him; his voice and his looks denoted him as a powerful and confident man. Even though I was only 17 years of age I could still sense that same chemistry in him that I had felt with Adam. I was convinced that my Mother could not help but have felt equally as much for him.<\/p>\n

They were, in a sense, two of a kind. They were exactly what my Mother and Mr Hansworth were not, and I knew it, just as Richard and I had known it over ten years earlier.<\/p>\n

\u201cDid you love her, Sir?\u201d I asked rather timidly.<\/p>\n

\u201cNot quite, almost. I was most certainly attracted to her.\u201d he smiled then, a secret drifting smile that flitted across his mouth.<\/p>\n

\u201cDid she love you?\u201d that I admit was bold, but I was curious and he seemed in the mood to talk.<\/p>\n

\u201cI thought so. But I was mistaken.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI am sorry.\u201d I said after a pause, and as there was nothing else to say on the matter I turned to get back to the horses.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019re very fond of Joseph, aren\u2019t you?\u201d he said, moving away from the tree and matching his stride to mine while he twirled the little nosegay around in his fingers.<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, I am.\u201d I thought it only fair to reply honestly, it was only right after all as I had been impudent enough to ask him, and he had been honest with me.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhen you were a little girl your face would light up as soon as you saw him. It was like the sun had suddenly burst into the room.\u201d he smiled down at me and not for the first time I wished I were at least four inches taller. \u201cAre you still as fond of him?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo.\u201d I replied and looked him squarely in the face, \u201cI spent ten years building silly castles in the air in which Joe and I would live happily ever after, but now I\u2019ve come back and seen him I\u2019ve realised that that was all it was, just a childish dream without substance.\u201d<\/p>\n

He looked at me then, very sternly, and said nothing. I wondered if he thought I was lying, and was disappointed with me. Well, I thought as we strolled back to the horses, when Joe tells them about his love for Amy, he\u2019ll understand why my castles in the air came tumbling down.<\/p>\n

Chapter 15<\/p>\n

In the evening we played charades with much laughter and hilarity. Joe was relaxed and happy. He was playful and skittish, and treated me as though I were his new little sister, just found and to be teased and played with in a most affectionate way. Hoss was quieter, and strangely watchful. More than once I found him watching me and then smiling shyly at me while he cast his blue eyes downwards. Adam was watchful too and I doubt if nothing passed his scrutiny. He was as sharp as a fox, and just as crafty.<\/p>\n

We sang more songs, listened to him playing his guitar and sang along with him. He had a fine voice, and admitted to having had lessons when back east. I wondered if it were one of the refinements he missed now that he was back here.<\/p>\n

I slept once more in the big bed in the guest room. Once again I slept and had no dreams to disturb me. The whole house seemed to slumber contentedly although I doubt if some of the inhabitants did so. I wondered if Mr Cartwright would stay awake for a while drifting back over old memories and wishing he could turn back the clock. I thought of Joe day dreaming about the girl he loved and worrying about how he was going to tell his family that he was in love with a Bishop. I doubted if Adam or Hoss would be worried about a thing \u2026 and then I drifted into sleep.<\/p>\n

There were no church services for that morning. There was only one Preacher in the area and he had to travel to hold services in Genoa, and Placerville and other settlements. So Virginia City and the others had a service every six weeks.<\/p>\n

I breakfasted alone as the Cartwright men had started early on their chores. This would then leave them the rest of the day to relax and catch up on whatever they wished to do on the Sunday.<\/p>\n

After breakfast I talked a little to Hop Sing and watched him prepare a large fat chicken for our main meal before I left the house and walked out side.<\/p>\n

I visited Mistral and spent an hour brushing her until her coat gleamed, and I made sure her mane and tail were unmated and smooth. Then I kissed her on the nose and strolled outside.<\/p>\n

\u201cOh!\u201d<\/p>\n

Both Hoss and I jumped back having come close to colliding into each other. Then we laughed together.<\/p>\n

\u201cOh Hoss, I am sorry, I wasn\u2019t expecting any of you to be back yet.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cShucks, Miss Dorcas, and I didn\u2019t expect you to be up yet. It\u2019s still early.\u201d<\/p>\n

I laughed again, and followed him back into the stable where he was taking some tack. Once he had hung it in its allocated site, he turned and looked at me with a smile,<\/p>\n

\u201cYou shore are pretty, Miss Dorcas.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThank you, Hoss, that\u2019s very sweet of you to say so.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou always was a pretty little gal, a mite scrawny, but pretty anyhow.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou were always very kind to me, Hoss. I remember how much time you spent looking after me. It couldn\u2019t have been much fun for you when Joe and Richard were so busy playing and having games.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cShucks, I liked looking after you, Miss Dorcas. Fact is, I\u2019d always look after you, if\u2019n I could.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s kind of you, Hoss.\u201d I smiled at him, and totally missed the point of what he was saying to me.<\/p>\n

We left the stables and walked to the corral where several ponies were kicking their heels. We leaned companionably against the corral fence, our arms folded and watched the horses.<\/p>\n

\u201cI meant it, Miss Dorcas, what I jest said.\u201d he looked at me intently, the blue of his eyes were bright with the earnestness of his statement.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat do you mean, Hoss? I don\u2019t understand.\u201d I looked at him, really hard, as though by looking into his eyes I could discern the meaning without him having to put them into words.<\/p>\n

\u201cWal, shucks, I know that you had this kind of soft way of feeling for Joe, but I thought this past few days that you didn\u2019t have it for him no more. Then I got to thinking that mebbe – just mebbe – you might think -\u201d he stopped and frowned, then he stared at the ground very hard before looking up at me, \u201cI love you, Miss Dorcas.\u201d<\/p>\n

I gasped involuntarily and stepped back, my hands clasped against my chest. For some seconds I just stared at him with my mouth open. In my mind I recaptured the times I had seen him looking at me, the expression on his face, in his eyes \u2026<\/p>\n

\u201cHoss. I didn\u2019t know. I didn\u2019t realise.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI guess you didn\u2019t. Wal, why should you, after all, I daresay you got suitors back in San Francisco lining up to ask you to marry them, ain\u2019t\u2019cha?\u201d his face had gone a little pinker than normal, and he was digging his thumbnail into the wood of the bar against which we had been leaning, \u201cFact is, you\u2019re just about the prettiest gal I know, so I can understand if\u2019n you don\u2019t want to marry me or anything.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHoss -\u201d I put my hand on his arm and could feel the heat of his skin through the shirt sleeve. There was so much strength in that arm, and yet I knew him to be the most gentle man in the territory. My heart was pounding so hard that I couldn\u2019t say a word.<\/p>\n

\u201cBut -\u201d he put his own hand over mine, and curled his fingers around mine, \u201cBut if you could, Miss Dorcas, if you could find it possible to marry me I\u2019d make you the happiest girl in the world, I promise you, I would.\u201d<\/p>\n

I heaved in a deep breath, and put my free hand to my face before letting my hand drop by my side. I shook my head,<\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t love you, Hoss.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019d teach you to love me, Miss Dorcas.\u201d he frowned, \u201cI mean, I\u2019d love you enough for the both of us.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt doesn\u2019t always work like that, Hoss. I could hurt you so much – it\u2019s not fair to you.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI think I know what\u2019s fair for me, and what ain\u2019t.\u201d he replied, reaching out to take hold of my free hand in his, so that we were standing now face to face, with him holding on to both my hands.<\/p>\n

\u201cNo, Hoss, I can\u2019t marry you. I can\u2019t. It would be wrong.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWrong? How could it be wrong? You need someone to look after you, Miss Dorcas, and to love you. I want to do that for you. Just let me \u2026 please.\u201d<\/p>\n

I shook my head. Then impulsively I leaned forward and kissed him, then pulled my hands free and ran into the house.<\/p>\n

By the time I had reached my room I was crying. Tears were streaming down my cheeks and splashing onto my clothes. How cruel of life, how cruel. I was not allowed to have the man I loved, and now I had hurt the man who loved me. It was too cruel.<\/p>\n

Chapter 15<\/p>\n

I heard horses in the yard and cautiously approached the window. I saw Hoss riding out, pause to speak a moment with his father who was riding back to the house. Ben glanced up at the window of my room before turning his attention back to Hoss. A little while later I heard his footsteps heavy on the floor below.<\/p>\n

I sat down and closed my eyes, determined to think over everything that had happened. What struck me was the paradox of it all. I could imagine telling Joe that I loved him, the look of horror on his face, the realisation that he could never love me and the subsequent embarrassment and misery of it all. Was that how Hoss felt now? I felt ashamed not to have noticed his attentions before, not to have known how he felt. Sadly there is no one so inattentive as the self absorbed love sick young. I wondered how he was feeling now and felt ashamed.<\/p>\n

I wandered now down another track as I thought about his proposal. He would never, ever, hurt me deliberately. He would keep me safe, protect me from harm, cherish me. I knew that without any doubt at all. We would have children and he would be the most wonderful father to them. He would give his life for me. I knew all that too.<\/p>\n

Did I love Joe? Was it infatuation? Could I love Hoss? People say that love comes with the children but could I live with Hoss a lie, a pretence? Every day would be full of little hurts for him, caused by me. His father and brothers would see it. They would know and so would I, and eventually, so would he.<\/p>\n

I washed my face and tidied my hair. I thought of Joe and Amy, and knew that I would not stop loving Joe. I was thinking about what I should do when there was a gentle tap on the door and Mr Cartwright was asking if he could speak to me for a moment. My heart sunk but I opened the door and admitted him.<\/p>\n

\u201cDorcas -\u201d was all he said before I fell into his arms and started to cry again.<\/p>\n

He was very kind and patient as he put his arms about me and stroked my hair and said consoling things that I only half heard. Eventually he led me to a chair and set me down, then taking my hands in his own he asked me to explain the problem.<\/p>\n

So I told him about my love for Joe and how I knew he could never love me, and how Hoss had just proposed but I could not love him. I had not intentionally gone out to hurt anyone, but I felt that being here I had ended up hurting everyone.<\/p>\n

He sighed and looked at me with his dark eyes growing ever darker,<\/p>\n

\u201cIt seems to me history is repeating itself,\u201d he murmured sadly and I shook my head,<\/p>\n

\u201cNo, it isn\u2019t, Mr Cartwright. My Mother cared for you, I know that as sure as I\u2019m sitting here. Richard and I both felt the affection you both had for one another and we expected something to come from it. Children may not know what\u2019s happening but they do get the feel of things, don\u2019t they?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThen, sadly, she didn\u2019t care enough.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cMr Cartwright. When my Father was alive we were very poor. But we had lots of laughter and happiness together. Mother and Father loved one another so very much. She chose to marry Mr Hansworth and she doesn\u2019t love him. Not even after all these years and despite all his kindness to her. He loves her so much, Mr Cartwright, and she hurts him because she can\u2019t love him.\u201d I took in a deep breath and exhaled slowly, \u201cI can\u2019t do that to Hoss.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo, of course you can\u2019t. He\u2019ll understand that, Dorcas. I\u2019m just very sorry that Joe -\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI allowed a child hood infatuation to grow into something that I don\u2019t deserve to have, Mr Cartwright.\u201d I forced a smile, \u201cIt\u2019s not Joe\u2019s fault.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo.\u201d Ben sighed, and stood up, drawing me up alongside him, he kissed my brow, \u201cIt would have been lovely to have had you as a daughter, Dorcas. Do you want me to hitch the buggy and take you home?\u201d<\/p>\n

I shook my head, and hugged him close, I think I loved him at that moment.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ll go home with Mistral, if you don\u2019t mind?\u201d<\/p>\n

He nodded and excused himself. I heard his footsteps outside on the landing, going down the stairs and then the outside door closing on the big room. I quickly pulled my things together into a valise and then took my jacket. There was now nothing left of mine in the room, and I hurried downstairs and out into the yard where Mr Cartwright had Mistral waiting for me, saddled and bridled,<\/p>\n

\u201cTake care, Dorcas. Don\u2019t forget I am always here if you need me.\u201d<\/p>\n

I stood on tiptoe to kiss his cheek, and then mounted my horse, took the valise from him, and galloped out of the yard. I didn\u2019t look back. I didn\u2019t trust myself to do so.<\/p>\n

Chapter 16<\/p>\n

Several weeks drifted by and life in Virginia City resumed some form of routine for me. I helped Uncle Burgess in the store and went on rides with Mistral. I kept myself to myself. There were snippets of news drifting in and out of my hearing, customers chattered to one another, to us. In was inevitable that I would hear of Amy Bishop\u2019s terrible death. I wondered how Joe was handling it. I was wondering whether or not to ride out to the Ponderosa to offer my condolences when Jennifer came into the store.<\/p>\n

\u201cI just came to say good bye, Dorcas.\u201d she said as she stood very primly on the other side of the counter, her hands gripping tightly to the handle of her bag.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019re leaving?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes. Father\u2018s health doesn\u2018t look like it will improve. We are going to Switzerland. There is a clinic there where he may get specialised care for his illness.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI hope he does.\u201d I said rather stiffly.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt may give him a few more years of life,\u201d she said and her face softened with the sadness so many of us feel in such situations, when the fate of loved ones is taken out of our control and one can only rely on a greater Being to give one the comfort so essential in facing the future.<\/p>\n

She looked around her and then seeing there were no customers and Uncle Burgess was not in sight or hearing she came closer,<\/p>\n

\u201cYou heard about Amy Bishop?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDid you know that she and Joe were – well – more than good friends?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh\u201d she looked surprised and raised her eye brows. Then she drew even closer, \u201cThere was another man involved. Mr Bishop\u2019s foreman. He tried to kill Joe but killed Amy instead.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cJennifer, if you don\u2019t mind I -\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHave you seen Joe?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo, I haven\u2019t. Have you?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI went over to see him,\u201d she admitted, going just a little pink in the face, \u201cBut Adam\u2019s taken him to Sacremento on business. Mr Cartwright said they would be away for some time yet.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh, I see.\u201d I looked at her blankly, wondering what she wanted me to say,<\/p>\n

Seeing that there was no response from me she stepped away from the counter and surveyed me thoughtfully, \u201cI just thought you would be interested, that\u2019s all.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, thank you for letting me know.\u201d<\/p>\n

We stood looking at one another with the counter running between us. She had no expression on her face, it was totally blank, and I know that I, feeling nothing at that moment, must have had just the same blankness. We must have looked like a pair of mannequins.<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, good bye then, Dorcas.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cGood bye, Jennifer. I hope – I do hope your life will be a happy one.\u201d I said this sincerely, but she turned at the door and gave me a strange look, a slightly bitter twist of the lips, and a flash of her eyes.<\/p>\n

The bell over the door jangled as she left and Uncle Burgess, who had just stepped into the store, looked up, \u201cWas that a customer, Dorcas?\u201d he asked.<\/p>\n

\u201cNo,\u201d I replied, \u201cIt wasn\u2019t anyone important.\u201d and I picked up a duster and began to carefully polish the counter top, while I thought of Joe, and Hoss, as well as poor Amy Bishop.<\/p>\n

I left Virginia City not long after that having received a cable from Mother to say they were now returning home. Uncle Burgess said that he would soon sell up his business there and join us in \u2018Frisco, but somehow I doubted it.<\/p>\n

I didn\u2019t see Mr Cartwright or Hoss again. I hoped that by some chance I would, even as my belongings were being tied down in the trunk of the stage I hoped to see them. I had sent Mistral back with a letter explaining that I was leaving. Even that had not brought back any response from them except a kind farewell note from Mr Cartwright in which he informed me that Joe and Adam were away, and would be for some time yet. He made no reference to Hoss except to say that both he and Hoss wished me well and sent me fond best wishes.<\/p>\n

It reminded me of something Lord Byron had written in his poem
\n\u201cWhen we two parted.\u201d In his last verse he wrote:<\/p>\n

\u201cIn secret we met
\nIn silence I grieve,
\nThat thy heart could forget,
\nThy spirit deceive.
\nIf I should meet thee
\nAfter long years
\nHow should I greet thee?
\nWith silence and tears.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u2026\u2026\u2026\u2026\u2026\u2026\u2026\u2026\u2026\u2026\u2026\u2026………………..finis \u2026\u2026\u2026\u2026\u2026\u2026\u2026\u2026\u2026\u2026\u2026\u2026………………<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

Reviewer: maria vaz<\/a> Signed
\nDate: 17 Apr 2014 03:39 pm Title: My name is Dorcas … a romance for Joe.<\/p>\n

Oh, I loved that story and I thought very interesting the linkvyou did with the episode of Amy Bishop. It was great! I think that this story deserves to have a sequence. Think about it! Thank you!<\/p>\n

************<\/p>\n

Reviewer: Cheaux<\/a> Signed
\nDate: 16 Apr 2014 12:13 am Title: My name is Dorcas … a romance for Joe.<\/p>\n

A lovely story, Krystynaw, with interesting and well-developed original characters. \u00a0It leaves me thinking of one of my favorite quotes by John Greenleaf Whittier: “Of all sad words of tongue or pen, the saddest are these, ‘It might have been.\u201d<\/p>\n

Author’s Response: Thank you, Cheaux, and thank you for quoting those words from Whittiers poem which I quoted in my story ‘Slipping from my fingers’ so long ago. Yes, poor Dorcas, but she was loved even if from the wrong man…some couldn’t say as much, could they\/ I am so pleased you enjoyed the story. Krystyna<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

<\/div>\n

<\/g><\/svg><\/i> \"Loading\"<\/p>\n

<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Summary: Young love can be so real that it hurts, and it can grow stronger as years go by. When Dorcas returned to Virginia City her love for Joe Cartwright was as strong as the day she rode away from him aged 6. But can he love her in return?<\/p>\n

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