{"id":56646,"date":"2025-04-15T16:48:43","date_gmt":"2025-04-15T20:48:43","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=56646"},"modified":"2025-09-27T05:39:59","modified_gmt":"2025-09-27T09:39:59","slug":"56646","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=56646","title":{"rendered":"Talking to Jane (by Pat D in PA)"},"content":{"rendered":"

Summary<\/strong>: Ben Cartwright reflects on his life with a kind listener.<\/p>\n

Rating:<\/strong> G\/K (7,265 words)<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

\n

Warning(s)<\/strong>: This little story is Alternate Universe in genre.\u00a0 Adam has returned, Jamie is present as well, and Hoss definitely<\/em> has NOT died. \u00a0As I watch myself aging, I find myself wondering about Ben as he grew older, what subjects he would think about; where his train of thought might travel; what would be important to him.\u00a0 This story is a kind of \u2018wishful thinking\u2019 result of that pondering. I hope you enjoy it.\u00a0 There are references to OCs from my own stories, as well as stories co-written with fellow Bonanza writer Vicki Christian.\u00a0 Having read them isn\u2019t necessary to understand this story, I\u2019m simply noting these characters\u2019 origins.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

TALKING TO JANE<\/strong><\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019re a kind woman, Miss Dearford.\u00a0 I can\u2019t tell you how much I appreciate all your kindness and help these last weeks.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh, Mr. Cartwright, not at all!\u00a0 And please, do call me Jane.\u00a0 I enjoy being here, and if I have been able to make things easier for you and your sons, all the better.\u00a0 Now, do you think you could possibly get another bite or two down?\u00a0 You\u2019ve eaten less than half of your lunch.\u201d<\/p>\n

A tired chuckle.<\/span><\/em><\/strong> \u201cYes, I know.\u00a0 I\u2019m not very hungry today.\u00a0 I\u2019m just not active enough to create an appetite, I suppose\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cVery well, I\u2019ll set it aside. There\u2019s nothing more depressing than seeing a half-eaten plate in front of you when you\u2019re not hungry any longer, is there?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cMmhmm…\u201d<\/p>\n

Sounds of crockery being shifted; a chair pulled closer to the bedside.<\/em><\/strong>\u00a0 \u201cYou know, Mr. Cartwright, I wondered if you\u2019d like to tell me something of yourself.\u00a0 I\u2019ve been reading books to you these weeks during your\u2026 your illness\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh, c\u2019mon now, Jane, let\u2019s not pretend. \u00a0Let\u2019s just speak plain. \u00a0I\u2019m dying. I\u00a0 <\/em><\/strong>know I am, you\u00a0<\/em><\/strong> know I am.\u00a0 So do the boys.\u201d<\/p>\n

Silence, then a calm, soft voice.<\/em><\/strong> \u201cYou\u2019re an honest man, and a courageous one.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNonsense, my dear.\u00a0 I\u2019m simply a realist.\u00a0 I\u2019m nearly eighty-seven years old.\u00a0 I\u2019ve lived a good, long life, had adventures, done dozens of jobs, raised four sons, had the love of three wonderful women, and built the Ponderosa.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd an amazing place it is!<\/p>\n

A warmth enters his voice.<\/em><\/strong> \u201cThank you\u2026 I think so, too.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cInstead of hearing other stories, I\u2019d love to hear yours.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh!\u00a0 Mine\u2026 Well, I don\u2019t know\u2026\u201d The heave of a tired sigh.<\/strong><\/em>\u00a0 \u201cLet me think about it.\u00a0 Perhaps another day.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOf course.\u00a0 It\u2019s a bit chilly today. Would you like another throw over you?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, thank you.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

~-oo0oo-~<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cJane, being able to be down here instead of stuck upstairs in bed has been good for me.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou definitely look happier, sir!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI am.\u00a0 In fact, I\u2019ve been thinking.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHave you, Mr. Cartwright?\u00a0 Here, let me take that empty coffee cup off your hands. So. What is it you\u2019ve been thinking about?<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, what you mentioned the other day.\u00a0 You know, about me telling you something of my story.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh!\u00a0 And what have you decided?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019ve been very kind, so the least I can do is entertain you a little. I\u2019ve decided it\u2019ll be kind of like the bedtime stories I used to tell the boys.\u201d A self-derisive snort.<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

A sweet laugh.<\/em><\/strong>\u00a0 \u201cWell, that sounds like it will be great fun!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat is it you\u2019d like to know about the Ponderosa?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh!\u00a0 Well, let\u2019s see\u2026 let\u2019s start with this.\u00a0 How big is it?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, it used to be roughly a thousand square miles.\u00a0 It\u2019s a bit smaller now\u2026 we had to divest a bit after the Silver rush ended and we had to rethink usage of the acreage.\u00a0 But the timber stands are providing well.\u00a0 Even though we\u2019re not providing timbering for the mines any longer, there\u2019s lots of new building going on all over the Carson Valley these days, and with the new rail lines leading north and south, it\u2019s easier to transport logs and cut timber\u2026\u201d\u00a0 A deep sigh can be heard.<\/em><\/strong>\u00a0 \u201cTo protect a lot of it, though, and save the forests for my grandchildren and great-grandchildren and those to come, I\u2019ve asked the boys to allow much of it to become protected forest.\u00a0 They\u2019ve agreed.\u00a0 There\u2019ll still be more than enough grazing for the herd, and those trees, those tall, strong trees that called me all those years ago and were here when Adam, Hoss and I first got here, will still stand for our descendants to see.\u00a0 The Governor\u2019s got the paperwork all ready to go.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhy, I think that\u2019s wonderful, Mr. Cartwright!\u00a0 Your son, Joe, told me how hard you worked to create this amazing place.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh, they all worked at it, as well. Joe and his brothers.\u00a0 Not just me.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYour dream, though, according to Hoss.\u201d<\/p>\n

A chuckle.<\/em><\/strong>\u00a0 \u201cI think at times they may have thought it a nightmare\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

Silvery laughter.<\/em><\/strong>\u00a0 \u201cHere, sir, please have a sip.\u00a0 You need to keep drinking liquids.\u201d<\/p>\n

The sounds of settling someone comfortably in a creaking leather chair, and a fire crackling cheerfully.<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

\u201cWhat\u2019s your favorite part of the Ponderosa, sir?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAh… \u00a0that\u2019s easy.\u00a0 Any part of it that holds one or all of my sons.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

~-oo0oo-~<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cYour sons are all such attractive men, Mr. Cartwright.\u201d<\/p>\n

A chuckle.<\/em><\/strong> \u201cDon\u2019t say that in their earshot.\u00a0 Their hats won\u2019t fit any longer to hear such a sweet, lovely young lady as yourself utter those words!\u00a0 Their wives won\u2019t appreciate it.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ll bet they were heartbreakers when they were youngsters!\u201d<\/p>\n

A snort.<\/em><\/strong> \u201cWell, they<\/em><\/strong> certainly thought they were!\u201d\u00a0 A snort, leading to a fit of coughing.\u00a0 The sound of something being poured into a glass. <\/em><\/strong>\u00a0<\/em>\u201cThank you.\u201d More of a wheeze than words.<\/em><\/strong> \u201cAll joking aside, their mothers were all beauties.\u00a0 Have you seen their pictures?\u00a0 No?\u00a0 If you wish, go look on my desk.\u201d<\/p>\n

A rustle of skirts and footsteps.<\/em><\/strong>\u00a0 <\/em>\u201cOh, my goodness, they are!\u00a0 And truly, there\u2019s no mistaking which mother goes with which son!\u00a0 The resemblance of Adam to his mother is\u2026 well, frankly it\u2019s remarkable!\u00a0 The same smile, completely!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes.\u201d\u00a0 The voice holds tenderness and a \u00a0smile<\/em><\/strong>.<\/em> \u201cHe has her dimple, her mouth.\u00a0 The color of her eyes. Her stubbornness, too!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNot just hers, I dare say.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cCheeky young woman!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cMy apologies, sir.\u201d<\/p>\n

A laugh.\u00a0 <\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

\u201cJoe, too, resembles his mother, though she was much more fair-haired than he is. She was a blonde?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cShe was, yes, honey blonde.\u00a0 You can\u2019t tell from the picture, but those green eyes of his came from her.\u00a0 In fact, all the boys have their mothers\u2019 eyes.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cA blessing\u2026 but perhaps sometimes hard for you, no doubt.\u201d<\/p>\n

A sigh.<\/em><\/strong> \u201cThat\u2019s perceptive of you.\u201d\u00a0 A clearing of a throat.<\/em><\/strong>\u00a0 \u201cJane\u2026 why?\u201d<\/p>\n

A moment of silence.<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

\u201cI won\u2019t be coy and pretend not to understand your question, Mr. Cartwright.\u00a0 It\u2019s just that in my work I know that many of my \u2026 clients\u2026 just don\u2019t realize how important their stories are.\u00a0 They think of their lives as boring.\u00a0 Mundane.\u00a0 Not out of the ordinary in the least.\u00a0 I don\u2019t think you fall quite into that category…\u201d A bit of a rise in inflection at the end of that sentence, as though humorously questioning, answered by a masculine snort.<\/em><\/strong>\u00a0 \u201cI thought not.\u00a0 But still, I\u2019d be willing to bet there are stories that need telling.\u00a0 Perhaps one son knows a tale, but not the others.\u00a0 And perhaps there are some stories you\u2019ve never told them at all.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd trust me, some I never will, ever!\u201d<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

Silvery laughter.<\/em><\/strong>\u00a0 \u201cFair enough.\u00a0 But will you humor me?\u00a0 Your grandchildren and great-grandchildren will appreciate it.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWell\u2026 yes, I suppose you\u2019re right.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSo, when did you first know you wanted a life of adventure?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh, my\u2026 Let\u2019s see. \u00a0I think I was six, no, I was five when it became clear in my mind that I wanted to venture beyond our house and yard and the confines of what my parents considered a safe distance for me.\u00a0 I can remember it being a truly glorious New England summer, hot and sunny\u2026 only a small child could remember that<\/em><\/strong> with joy!\u00a0 The humidity doesn\u2019t really bother a little shaver. \u00a0Mother was suffering from the heat, though.\u00a0 I realize now it was because she was carrying my youngest brother. \u00a0Anyway, I remember seeing the tall masts of the ships coming into harbor from the widow\u2019s walk \u00a0of our house and knew my father\u2019s vessel was one of them. Young as I was, I could recognize Antigone’<\/em>s rigging and masts.\u00a0 I\u2019d been forbidden to go to the waterfront on my own.\u00a0 And now, a father and grandfather myself, I get a little green in the gills to realize the chances I took, a five-year-old traipsing alone through a half mile of the seedier parts of Boston and risking drowning at the harbor!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cGoodness!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cExactly.\u00a0 But, stubborn little cuss that I was, I was sure I could find my way.\u00a0 The notion that I wouldn\u2019t be all right never entered my mind. \u00a0I slipped out without Mother knowing and, after losing myself down a few side streets, managed to find my way to the wharf.\u00a0 Sure enough, there was Father, barking out orders to his men unloading cargo, making the vessel ready for safe harboring.\u00a0 I can remember being so excited, trying to imagine all the places that ship had seen!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cA small boy\u2019s dream, I can see that.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSoon to be a small boy\u2019s nightmare.\u201d A dry, sardonic tone.<\/em><\/strong>\u00a0 \u201cWhen Father spotted me, I thought he\u2019d have an apoplexy. It\u2019s a testament to his raising of me that I didn\u2019t turn tail and run like mad the moment I saw his face and heard him bellow, \u00a0\u2018Benjamin Joseph Cartwright!\u00a0 Front and CENTER!\u2019\u201d<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

\u201cOh, dear!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201c\u2019Oh, dear,\u2019 is right.\u00a0 I think I was likely the first and only five-year-old to get one devil \u00a0of a \u00a0spanking in the Captain\u2019s cabin of that ship.\u201d Combined laughter.<\/em><\/strong> \u201cBut even that punishment couldn\u2019t dim my sense of adventure. And Father could see it. \u00a0He knew that I wanted to see the world beyond New England.\u00a0 As time went on, \u00a0he just insisted I choose safer means of doing so. And I just wasn\u2019t sure yet where that adventure might take me.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cQuite a far way.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cQuite a far way, indeed.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

~-oo0oo-~<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cJane, you appear to be a woman with something on her mind.\u201d\u00a0 A decidedly humorous tone.<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

\u201cOh, Mr. Cartwright, not really.\u00a0 I was just thinking.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAbout?\u201d\u00a0 A snort of a chuckle.<\/em><\/strong>\u00a0 \u201cJane Dearford! Are you blushing?!\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cOh, my goodness\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cMy dear, if I\u2019ve embarrassed you, I am truly desolate!\u00a0 Please, let me – \u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo, sir.\u00a0 It\u2019s just my Nosey Parker ways, as my mother would say.\u201d \u00a0A sigh.\u00a0 <\/em><\/strong>\u201cI was honestly just wondering why all of your sons were \u2026 well, so much older<\/em> when they married.\u00a0 You were quite young when you and your first wife were wed, weren\u2019t you?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes.\u201d\u00a0 A smile in the voice.<\/em><\/strong>\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019d turned twenty the January before our wedding, and she was just seventeen. But I\u2019d been first mate on the Wanderer<\/em> for almost a year at the time\u2026 worked my way up from cabin boy.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cCabin boy?\u00a0 How old were you then?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cTwelve.\u00a0 My father had died.\u00a0 He was a ship\u2019s captain, and when the Antigone<\/em> went down off the coast of Maine in a gale, it left my mother without much to work with.\u00a0 My father\u2019s best friend, Abel Stoddard, offered to take me on as cabin boy and paid my wages directly to my mother.\u00a0 And she did receive some money from the Antigone\u2019s<\/em> owner\u2026 enough to get her and my little brothers through.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m so sorry.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh, goodness, don\u2019t be! \u00a0Part and parcel of being part of a seafaring family, I\u2019m afraid.\u00a0 And I\u2019d known Captain Stoddard all my life. He was an excellent teacher when it came to learning the ropes at sea. He was also a good \u2026 well, I guess, father figure for me.\u00a0 I needed one!\u201d\u00a0 A rather undignified snort.<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cNaughty, were you?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh, I suppose more stubborn and single-minded than outright defiant.\u00a0 If I was naughty it was more on the side of pig-headedness than mischief, I think, mistakenly believing myself to be fireproof\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd I imagine the Captain corrected that?\u201d A distinctly amused tone.<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

\u201cMore than once, Miss Dearford.\u00a0 More than once. May I have more of that coffee?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOf course!\u201d The sound of pouring.<\/em><\/strong> \u201cAnd you were able to lean on Captain Stoddard to \u2026 well, I suppose help you learn how to be a man?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s a wonderful way of putting it.\u00a0 Yes, exactly.\u00a0 The Captain helped me learn how to be a man my father would have been proud of.\u00a0 \u00a0As I said, he was Father\u2019s best friend.\u00a0 They used to race each other around the Horn.\u00a0 And I\u2019d wanted so badly to follow Father to the sea and have the adventures he did.\u201d\u00a0 A faraway tone to the voice, as though seeing a different time and place than the present.<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

\u201cAnd did you? I mean, it\u2019s one thing to see a lot of the world.\u00a0 Quite another to have adventures while doing so.\u00a0 Did you have the adventures you\u2019d hoped for?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI certainly did!\u201d A hearty laugh.<\/em><\/strong>\u00a0 \u201cI saw parts of the world I\u2019d only dreamed of as a boy.\u00a0\u00a0 England\u2026 the Netherlands\u2026 Africa\u2026up and down the American coast\u2026 South America\u2026\u201d\u00a0 A sigh. <\/em><\/strong>\u201cThe one thing that my time at sea did was to make it crystal clear that Massachusetts wasn\u2019t enough for me.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd yet, you married a young Massachusetts girl.\u201d<\/p>\n

A chuckle.<\/em><\/strong> \u201cI did.\u00a0 My beautiful Liz.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes… the Captain’s daughter, no less!\u00a0That\u2019s what made me wonder why your sons were so much older when they first wed.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAh\u2026\u201d\u00a0 The sound of a spoon, stirring in a china cup, and set on the saucer.<\/em><\/strong>\u00a0 \u201cI have often wondered how much of that was actually my fault.\u00a0 I sometimes asked myself if\u2026 well, if it was watching my experience — losing three wives I loved, I mean.\u00a0 I wondered if it\u2026 oh, I don\u2019t know.\u00a0 Spooked them, maybe.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cEspecially your two older sons.\u00a0 Adam, having watched you love, and lose, two wonderful wives, and knowing about his own mother.\u00a0 Hoss\u2026\u201d\u00a0 A gentle sigh.<\/em><\/strong> \u201cHe\u2019s such a sweet, caring man, and so shy around women, unlike what I\u2019ve seen of his brothers.\u201d\u00a0 A definite chuckle, there.<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

\u201cTrue, but Hoss has had his moments.\u00a0 I\u2019ll never forget the time he got the best of his two brothers and won the attention of a sultry Mexican maiden after a bullfight, or rather after the promise<\/em> of a bullfight that instead turned into a full day\u2019s effort to simply catch the animal.\u201d A snort.<\/em><\/strong> \u201cHoss surprised us all in that situation\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNot his current wife, then, since his lovely lady is blonde and blue eyed?\u201d<\/p>\n

Laughter.<\/em><\/strong> \u201cNo, definitely not.\u00a0 Claire is absolutely perfect for Hoss, and they adore each other.\u00a0 Those two children of theirs, too.\u00a0 No, falling in love wasn\u2019t usually a problem for the boys\u2026 falling in love with the right woman<\/em> seemed to be the issue.\u201d *<\/p>\n

\u201cThe right woman according to whom?\u201d<\/p>\n

Snort.<\/em><\/strong> \u201cYou\u2019re not going to bait me.\u201d\u00a0 The tone grew more serious.<\/em><\/strong> \u201cOr .. Jane, are you trying to tell me something?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh, no, sir, of course not!\u00a0 I just know that the talk around town was that of the \u2018Cartwright boys\u2019 \u00a0Joe, especially, would fall in and out of love at the drop of a hat.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, I can\u2019t say they were wrong.\u00a0 Joe\u2019s a romantic, like his mother was.\u00a0 And he had the ability to see the romance in all different kinds of women, from young girls to \u2026 \u201c<\/p>\n

\u201cJulia Bulette?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAh… heard about that one, did you?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, whether or not it was meant to be for Julia and Joe, he truly loved her.\u00a0 That was the difference with Joe compared to so many other young men.\u00a0 He gives his whole heart when he falls in love, handing it over along with a total willingness to trust.\u00a0 I\u2019m glad he felt safe and secure \u00a0enough to do that after losing his mother at such a young age\u2026 even when doing so got him hurt. I wish his brothers had been that emotionally able and willing to do the same.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAs you<\/em> did.\u201d Very gently said.<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

\u201cYes\u2026. I suppose so\u2026.\u00a0 Although, I was far more wary than Joseph.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s been bandied about that when Adam was young, he would unfortunately choose to fall in love with \u2026 um\u2026 \u201c<\/p>\n

\u201cInappropriate ladies?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYour words, not mine.\u00a0 Let\u2019s say emotionally unavailable women.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDeftly done, Jane.\u201d<\/p>\n

A feminine snort this time.<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

\u201cAnd Hoss?\u00a0 What have you heard about him?\u201d True curiosity in the voice.<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

\u201cI note no comment on Adam\u2019s choice of companionship?\u201d<\/p>\n

Silence.<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

A chuckle.<\/em><\/strong>\u00a0 \u201cWell, let\u2019s see\u2026 Hoss\u2026 That he was very shy, and reluctant to hurt any girl\u2019s feelings so he usually backed away entirely, unwilling to risk his heart or theirs.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThat sounds about right.\u00a0 But it all boils down to neither of them feeling confident to make emotional commitments.\u201d\u00a0 The sound of fingers tapping on a leather chair arm.<\/em><\/strong>\u00a0 \u201cAnd I think the crux of the issue for Hoss and Adam was a fear of getting hurt, of loving someone just to have them leave in one way or another. Adam would set the terms of his relationships, while Hoss just backed away, far too often.\u00a0 But I can\u2019t find fault with them, as I was the same way. \u00a0It\u2019s interesting that it was my second wife who helped me overcome that.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cInger.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes.\u00a0 After Liz died, I was angry and felt deeply wounded.\u00a0 She was truly my first love and losing her that way, in childbirth, just seemed so impossibly cruel.\u00a0 It truly shook my faith.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m so sorry, Mr. Cartwright.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, for a while God and I were on the outs, I\u2019ll admit it.\u00a0 Until poor Adam was about four.\u00a0 He got terribly ill when we were on the road and after a long night of prayer and a local sawbones insisting that it was only through a miracle that he\u2019d survive, even worrying about what seizures from his fever might have done to his brain\u2026\u201d The voice choked off.<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

\u201cOh, how frightening for you!\u2019<\/p>\n

\u201cVery much so.\u00a0 But after three endless days and nights of him suffering, he woke finally, fever broken and demanding food.\u00a0 Then and there, I knew he\u2019d been spared.\u00a0 And I also knew it was high time I stopped blaming God for my troubles.\u00a0 I wasn\u2019t the first man to lose his wife, and I wouldn\u2019t be the last.\u00a0 Blaming the good Lord for it was hubris on my part in the extreme.\u00a0 Anyway, I still was angry at the world, if not God, and wasn\u2019t about to risk my heart again.\u00a0 Inger took me in hand and\u2026 well, her touch healed me.\u00a0 From that point on I never looked back.\u00a0 Not even after Inger was killed.\u00a0 I\u2019m a man who loves women, Jane.\u201d A slightly embarrassed tone.<\/em><\/strong>\u00a0 \u201cI feel\u2026 well, more complete with a woman in my life, a woman to hold and to love.\u00a0 Meeting Joe\u2019s mother was a surprise, but a welcome one\u2026 I\u2019d been alone with just the boys for nearly five years.\u00a0 There have been a few chances at love again since she died, though none actually solidified into something real, for whatever reason.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019re a very physical man, Mr. Cartwright. No, please don\u2019t be embarrassed. All people are different.\u00a0 Some are more in their heads than their hearts.\u00a0 But if you notice the words you just used\u2026 \u2018a woman to hold\u2019\u2026 \u2018her touch healed me\u2019\u2026 you\u00a0<\/em><\/strong> think and speak in terms of physicality.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHmm\u2026 I never thought about it that way, but I believe you\u2019re right. There\u2019s no doubt Adam\u2019s in his head much of the time\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

The voice was weary.<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

\u201cMr. Cartwright, you\u2019re tired.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNonsense.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYour eyelids are drooping.\u201d\u00a0 A soft clinking of crockery.<\/em><\/strong>\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019ll just take these coffee things into the kitchen and get them washed up.\u00a0 Why don\u2019t you put your head back and rest a bit?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh\u2026 well, all right.\u00a0 Thank you, Jane.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

~-oo0oo-~<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cYou seem very chipper today, Mr. Cartwright!\u00a0 I\u2019m very glad to see it.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, I\u2019m feeling pretty darned good, if I do say so myself, my dear.\u00a0 Do you think you could assist me downstairs?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cLet me see how steady you seem, and perhaps I can call one of the boys to assist, shall I?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI think Joe was in the office working on the books\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Twenty minutes later\u2026<\/strong><\/p>\n

The sound of a crackling fire, the pouring of liquid into a glass.<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

\u201cHere you are, sir, have some iced tea.\u00a0 Lemon and sugar, just the way you prefer it.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThank you, my dear.\u201d Sipping<\/em><\/strong>.\u00a0 \u201cWhat\u2019s our topic of conversation today, O Authoress?\u201d<\/p>\n

Laughter<\/em><\/strong>.\u00a0 \u201cWell, it occurred to me that for many years you were both father and mother to your brood of boys.\u00a0 Was it hard to raise four boys without a wife at your side?\u00a0 I know there were many years where you had to be both mother and father.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt certainly had its moments\u2026\u201d A low, weary chuckle could be heard.<\/em>\u00a0 <\/strong>\u201cRaising sons is one thing.\u00a0\u00a0 Raising Cartwright<\/em><\/strong> sons is quite another.\u201d<\/p>\n

Bell-like laughter accompanied more bass notes then.<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

\u201cBut honestly, Jane, I wouldn\u2019t trade any of it.\u00a0 Sure, there were times those four made me wonder if I\u2019d have any hair left at all much less go prematurely gray. Times when I thought I was ashamed of them but really was more embarrassed for myself\u2026 Good Lord, what colossal pride we parents can sometimes have.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat do you mean, sir?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh, there\u2019s no doubt there were times those boys of mine got into some mischief\u2026 most of it very minor.\u00a0 Some of it frighteningly serious.\u00a0 But a good portion of the times that riled me the most were times when they were really just trying to figure out who they were as people.\u00a0 And I didn\u2019t want to see the direction they were growing because it wasn\u2019t the direction I <\/em><\/strong>wanted them growing in.\u00a0 Rather than helping them become who they knew they should be, I\u2019d get angry and we\u2019d lock horns.\u201d A deep sigh<\/em>.<\/strong>\u00a0 \u201cThose are times I\u2019m not very proud of myself, believe me.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSuch as?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh, my goodness, let me think\u2026\u201d\u00a0 There is the sound of a teaspoon clinking against his glass, then sipping.\u00a0 <\/em><\/strong>\u201cWell, there was a time I was so angry at Hoss, who normally was the most easy-going, biddable child you could imagine. \u00a0Having to punish him was an unusual experience. Generally, a firm word was enough to bring him back into line!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI can see that, yes, sir.\u00a0 Such a gentle, kind man for someone so big.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cExactly.\u00a0 \u00a0Well, that summer — I think he was just turned thirteen\u2026 yes, must have been because it was just before Adam left for college — \u00a0I\u2019d lit a fire in the seat of his pants that could have burned down the Ponderosa.\u201d **<\/p>\n

\u201cOh, dear\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHe\u2019d gone around the mountains and destroyed traplines for some trappers that were being cruel in their treatment of the animals they hunted.\u00a0 Hoss\u2026 well, I think sometimes he prefers the critters he cares for more than human beings\u2026 and there are times I don\u2019t think he\u2019s wrong!\u00a0 He\u2019s not a fool, and knows animals are needed for food, or for their pelts.\u00a0 But what these men were doing was \u2026 well, Hoss would say they were disrespectful of God\u2019s creatures.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat a lovely description.\u00a0 I can almost hear him say that, even as a boy.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, Hoss has a depth most people miss.\u00a0 They don\u2019t look past his size or his clear, easy nature.\u00a0 Anyway, those trappers were furious, to say the least.\u00a0 Hoss was six feet tall already at thirteen and looked much older.\u00a0 He\u2019d got himself into serious trouble and if Adam hadn\u2019t come along just at that time \u2013 looking for him, in fact! \u2013 Hoss would be shot to death in retaliation.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh, no!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh, yes!\u00a0 Well, luckily he didn\u2019t have to end up with a bullet wound or worse, but that boy didn\u2019t sit comfortably for a week when I was done with him.\u00a0 And, he had to repair every one of those traps.\u00a0 I did make sure those hunters were off the Ponderosa, though, and were never permitted to use those vicious things on our land again.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSir\u2026 where did your pride come into it?\u201d<\/p>\n

A self-conscious cough can be heard.<\/em><\/strong>\u00a0 \u201cWell, I\u2019m not sure I\u2019d have tanned him quite so hard if I hadn\u2019t felt embarrassed when those two hunters confronted me after Adam and Hoss got back home, the hunters in tow and Adam with a rifle trained on them.\u00a0 I simply couldn\u2019t believe a son of mine\u2026 no, I need to rephrase that.\u201d \u00a0A hearty laugh.<\/em><\/strong> \u201cI simply couldn\u2019t believe that particular<\/em><\/strong> son of mine could do such a thing and put me in such a mortifying position.\u00a0 It took a little cooling off on my part \u2013 and Adam icily setting me straight, I have to admit — to realize that Hoss was right. Those traps were an abomination.\u00a0 And while he was wrong to destroy someone else\u2019s property and deserved to be punished for it, he didn\u2019t deserve to be so severely punished because I felt humiliated to be called out for his behavior.\u201d<\/p>\n

A quiet silence.<\/em><\/strong>\u00a0 \u201cThat\u2019s\u2026 Mr. Cartwright, that\u2019s a remarkable viewpoint that not many fathers would offer. Most would have stopped at \u2018and deserved to be punished for it.\u2019\u00a0 I understand, more and more, why your sons are such fine men.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, thank you, but I think a lot that is their own doing.\u00a0 They\u2019re good boys\u2026 ha!<\/em><\/strong> There I go again.\u00a0 Good men<\/em><\/strong>.\u00a0 You can only forge the finest sword out of the finest steel, after all.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cMaybe so.\u00a0 But it also takes a skilled craftsman to create the finest sword, wouldn\u2019t you agree?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNow, Jane, you\u2019re just going to end up feeding my pride with comments like that one!\u201d\u00a0 Laughter<\/em><\/strong>.<\/p>\n

Sounds of both sipping their tea.<\/em><\/strong>\u00a0 \u201cI was so lucky with my sons, and I\u2019m so grateful.\u00a0 \u00a0They\u2019ve all taught me so much and gave me far more than I ever could have given them.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat would you change if you could?\u201d<\/p>\n

A sigh.<\/em><\/strong>\u00a0 \u201cOh, lots of things.\u00a0 Probably I\u2019d try harder to let them go.\u00a0 It was\u2026 well, it was so hard for me.\u00a0 I\u2019d lost so many of the people I loved.\u00a0 My father\u2026 my wives\u2026 the thought of losing any of my precious sons made me want them close by as much I could have them there.\u00a0 It wasn\u2019t so much a problem with Hoss\u2026 a more easy-going soul you\u2019ll never meet.\u00a0 But Adam, for example, was fiercely independent from the cradle, and resented what I thought to be careful, thoughtful discipline and instead was probably more overprotective and confining than I needed to be.\u201d\u00a0 A sad chuckle.\u00a0 <\/em><\/strong>\u201cHow to explain\u2026 well, when they were little \u00a0if I couldn\u2019t see<\/em><\/strong> them, I worried they weren\u2019t safe.\u00a0 That became a bit smothering for them, I\u2019m afraid.\u00a0 Adam suffered from that the most.\u00a0 By the time Joe came along, I\u2019d learned a little more. Eased off some. \u00a0How I wish I\u2019d been able to give Adam more freedom without being scared to death of losing him.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAre you sure he resented it?\u201d<\/p>\n

A low chuckle.<\/em><\/strong> \u201cOh, yes, indeed.\u00a0 He voiced it a few times, very clearly and in a considerably less than courteous manner, which earned him a more than a few nights of gingerly sitting down to supper on a sore backside.\u201d\u00a0 A deep breath, and a coughing spell.\u00a0 A few moments of calming breathing.<\/em><\/strong>\u00a0 \u201cBut it was different for Adam, even more so than for Hoss.\u00a0 Adam was tiny when we started west, and only a few months past his second birthday when his nurse had to return East.\u00a0 I had no choice but to lay down tough rules, insist on and enforce their immediate and absolute obedience.\u00a0 At that time, his very life often depended on it.\u00a0 As a consequence, when we were no longer in such dangerous straits, I wasn\u2019t able to simply stop using that type of parenting.\u00a0 My third wife, Marie, was a help in tempering that, but when she died, and I was raising three boys alone, well\u2026 sometimes I felt like a needed to be a bit of a martinet just to survive those three.\u201d A deep sigh.<\/em><\/strong>\u00a0 \u201cYes, if I could change anything, I think I\u2019d try to be less hard on Adam.\u00a0 He surely suffered the brunt of it.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m sure he understands now.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh, I\u2019m sure he does, too.\u00a0 But it left its mark. He was always a reserved child, and I think he ended up driving his feelings down deeper to avoid making waves.\u00a0 Adam… well, I think disappointing me or having me upset and sad hurt him worse than any spanking I could give him.\u00a0 Joseph… “ A chuckle.\u00a0<\/strong><\/em> “Joseph could shake off the results of a tanning by the time I was out of the room.\u00a0 Hoss, maybe a day or two, if he’d done something really naughty.\u00a0 But Adam?\u00a0 When he was small, he’d take it so to heart.\u00a0 He’d be withdrawn for days if he felt he’d really let me down, even after I’d assured him that he’d been forgiven for whatever mischief he’d got into.\u00a0 When he was a few years older, he channeled any open, angry rebellion into cold, logical argument.\u00a0 He knew from experience temper tantrums got him nowhere, but I\u2019ll swear that boy would argue with me even while bent over my knee. Logic became his weapon, and, since he learned to hold his temper better than I<\/strong><\/em>\u00a0 ever could, he wielded it like a master swordsman.\u00a0 We had some pretty spectacular battles when he was a youth.\u00a0 But that same intellect is what earned him a scholarship to Harvard\u2026 made him an irreplaceable part of the development and running of this ranch when we were starting out.\u00a0 And what made him need to spread his wings away from us for a time.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBut he came back?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, thankfully.\u201d\u00a0 Another deep, and grateful, sigh<\/em><\/strong>.\u00a0 \u201cHe came back.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

~-oo0oo-~<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cMr. Cartwright, you\u2019re looking a bit pale today.\u00a0 Is the pain worse?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes.\u201d A decidedly cranky tone.<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

A rustle of skirts and the clink of a spoon and bottle. <\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t want that stuff.\u00a0 Makes me sleepy.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s the point of it.\u201d A mildly amused tone.<\/em><\/strong> \u201cThe idea is to ease the pain.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI know that!\u201d A frustrated grunt.<\/em><\/strong>\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019m sorry, I shouldn\u2019t take my bad temper out on you.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cTell me, what good comes of you lying there in pain? How does that improve your situation?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAt least I\u2019m not drugged to the eyeballs!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThen I suggest a half dose.\u00a0 Perhaps just enough to take the worst edge off. Hm?\u201d<\/p>\n

Silence. <\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

\u201cOh, very well then.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

About fifteen minutes later\u2026<\/strong><\/p>\n

A gentle relieved sigh is heard. <\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

\u201cBetter now?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes.\u00a0 Thank you, Jane.\u00a0 And\u2026 again, I\u2019m sorry.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI understand, Mr. Cartwright.\u00a0 But please trust me.\u00a0 I will do my best to make sure you\u2019re neither completely sedated all the time, nor in agony.\u00a0 All right?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAll right.\u201d<\/p>\n

Skirts rustling; the sound of a chair creaking.<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

\u201cWould you like me to read?\u00a0 Or would you like to chat?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI \u2026 I think I\u2019d like to talk.\u00a0 I want to keep thinking.\u00a0 This little\u2026 experiment of yours lets me keep thinking.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cLovely.\u00a0 Well, let me<\/em><\/strong> think, then.\u00a0 I know!\u00a0 When you started the Ponderosa, surely you didn\u2019t begin with a thousand square miles, did you?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh, good lord, no!\u201d Laughter<\/em><\/strong>.\u00a0 \u201cWe had a decent sized holding, assuredly, with lakefront access, timberland, grazing\u2026\u00a0 But we slowly gained more and more land as I was able to afford it.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHow on earth did you manage that, out here in the wilderness? There was no commerce to be had!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBy using<\/em><\/strong> the wilderness.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2026 I don\u2019t\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cFurs, Jane.\u00a0 My raw furs sold well in European markets; it\u2019s where the bulk of my early wealth came from.\u00a0 Then, as more and more settlers arrived, and Eagle and Mormon Stations began to rise up, more business opportunities started to present themselves.\u00a0 I was a partner in a trading post for a while, then when I had enough capital to start my herd, that\u2019s where my growth and expansion came from.\u00a0 Over the years, we grew through hard-headed business decisions.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBut never on the wrong side of the law.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo, of course not.\u00a0 But \u2013 and this is a difficult concept for many to distinguish \u2013 there\u2019s a difference between taking advantage of people and taking advantage of opportunities.\u00a0 Good business is sometimes hard-hearted.\u00a0 Finding the morally acceptable position between them can be a bit of a juggling act sometimes.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cFor example?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh, let me think\u2026 Well, one that readily comes to mind was back in \u2026 oh, maybe 1860 or \u201961.\u00a0 The railroad put out a contract for a trestle.\u00a0 This was big money, huge amounts of lumber needed, and I was vying for the contract with another big player from out here\u2026 Barney Fuller.\u00a0 Barney would skate as close to the edge of the law as he could.\u00a0 And woe betide anyone who gave him a single, solitary inch of ground, because he\u2019d grab it and take a mile.\u00a0 Hard-headed businessman, and could be a mean son of a \u2026 \u201c Clearing of a throat.<\/em><\/strong> \u201cWell, the Ponderosa won the job, and I was relentless.\u00a0 Pushed both the boys and my crews hard\u2026 too hard.\u00a0 There was an accident on site, and I was injured, but sadly an old man who worked for us was killed.\u00a0 I blamed myself, and \u00a0I\u2026 well, I rather lost myself for awhile, turning everything over to the boys to handle.\u00a0 Finally, I woke up and realized that while my employee had died, I<\/em><\/strong> hadn\u2019t yet!\u201d A note of strength in the voice.\u00a0 <\/em><\/strong>\u201cI took \u00a0back the reins and got things rolling again, for the boys were doing their best, but Barney was \u2026 well, he frankly was playing some dirty pool, causing problems, trying to wrest the contract away from us by tryin to force us to renege on delivery dates.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSo\u2026 The Bull of the Woods had to come out of retirement and once again take control.\u201d<\/p>\n

A chuckle.<\/em><\/strong>\u00a0 \u201cYes, exactly.\u00a0 But without risking lawsuits, or use scare tactics.\u00a0 I\u2019ll never forget hearing Barney when I roared my way into the livery, demanding that the owner keep his end of the bargain on the teams I\u2019d contracted for.\u00a0 He said, \u2018Welcome back, Ben.\u2019\u201d A throaty chuckle.<\/em><\/strong> \u201cA strong adversary, Barney Fuller.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBut a worthy opponent, too. And apparently exactly what you needed to find yourself again.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes.\u201d\u00a0 The voice is softer, drifting.<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

\u201cI think you might be able to close your eyes and rest for a bit now, don\u2019t you, Mr. Cartwright?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes\u2026 the pain is much less, now.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cGood, I\u2019m glad.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cJane\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, sir?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThanks for pushing me.\u00a0\u00a0 You\u2019re a worthy opponent, too.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019re most welcome, sir.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

~-oo0oo-~<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cOne of the things that\u2019s fascinated me in the last few years is blood.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBlood?!\u201d<\/p>\n

A laugh<\/em><\/strong>.<\/em> \u201cNot as in \u2018blood and guts\u2019\u2026 well, not really.\u00a0 I mean blood lines… inheritance.\u00a0 Looking at my grandchildren and seeing both their fathers and mothers, and MY family in them, I mean. My own boys, for example. Joseph, now, doesn\u2019t look anything like the Cartwrights.\u00a0 He\u2019s his mother all over.\u00a0 My Marie was a beauty\u2026 and Joe favors her very much.\u00a0 \u00a0Adam resembles his mother a great deal, but side face, he \u2026 \u201c A hoarse chuckle.<\/em><\/strong> \u201cWell, maybe it\u2019s vanity, but I think in profile he looks more like me.\u00a0 Hoss, on the other hand, full on? The shape of his face is me, his brows, his chin.\u00a0 Nothing like me in coloring, takes after his mother there, but his shape\u2026 And then, what startled me was when my grandson, young Patrick, was here a few months ago\u00a0 – \u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh, yes! The journalist!\u00a0 What a lovely family they are, he and his bubbly wife and their three children!\u00a0 Mr. Adam\u2019s eldest son, correct?\u201d **<\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s right.\u00a0 When Patrick visited from Ireland with his wife and children, I was so shocked to realize that while I always felt he was the spit and image of Adam, he actually much more resembles my father, Joseph.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh?\u00a0 In what ways?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHis profile, his build\u2026 he\u2019s leaner and rangier than Adam, taller.\u00a0\u00a0 Adam\u2019s built more like me — or at least like I used to be! — in the upper body, and like his mother\u2019s family, the Stoddards.\u00a0 Big chest, well-proportioned.\u00a0 But Pat\u2026\u00a0 In profile, he\u2019s exactly like my father, startlingly so.\u00a0 And that long lean body\u2026 Long legs starting at his shoulders.\u201d\u00a0 A drowsy chuckle.<\/em><\/strong>\u00a0 <\/em>\u201cThe thing is, I didn\u2019t see it at all when he was a boy.\u00a0 But this year when he visited, he was just about the same age my father was when his ship went down, his mid-thirties.\u00a0 And the resemblance\u2026 well, it was overwhelming. I felt like I was twelve years old again and Father was there, just as he\u2019d been when we said goodbye before his last voyage.\u201d\u00a0 A long, sad sigh.\u00a0 <\/em><\/strong>\u201cPat\u2019s like him in other ways, too\u2026 the Cartwright temper, more\u2019s the pity.\u00a0 But Patrick seems to have learned a bit of self-control over the last fifteen years or so. I saw it in how he handled his own boys, my great-grandsons\u2026 my father, all over again.\u00a0 \u00a0\u00a0It made me wonder if my<\/em><\/strong> father-in-law, Abel Stoddard, had noticed the likeness before he died.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh, did he get to meet his great- grandson?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, when Adam and his wife and children moved back to Boston all those years ago, the Captain was still living and got to know them for a time before he passed away.\u00a0 I just wondered\u2026 did Abel see Pat\u2019s resemblance to Father, too, since the Captain and my father had been best friends?\u00a0 When my father\u2019s ship went down\u2026 it was Captain Stoddard who took me on as cabin boy\u2026\u201d The tired voice grew a bit weaker and slower.<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

There was the sound of bed linens rustling as they were drawn up around the old man.<\/em><\/strong>\u00a0 <\/em>\u201cWhy don\u2019t you have a rest, Mr. Cartwright, and I\u2019ll bring up some tea or coffee for you afterwards?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHmm\u2026Maybe I will, thank you, Jane…\u201d\u00a0 Sigh.<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

~-oo0oo-~<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cMr. Cartwright?\u201d\u00a0 Skirts rustling, then the sound of deft hands smoothing bedclothes.<\/em><\/strong>\u00a0 \u201cMr. Cartwright, it\u2019s Jane.\u00a0 I\u2019m sorry to wake you but it\u2019s time for your medicine.\u201d<\/p>\n

A disgruntled snort.<\/em><\/strong> \u201cNever understood\u2026 you medical people\u2026 wake a body up out of a dead sleep to give them medicine to rest better!\u201d<\/p>\n

A small laugh.<\/em><\/strong> \u201cYes, it does seem to defeat the purpose sometimes, doesn\u2019t it?\u00a0 Would you like to sit up for awhile?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, I might as well\u2026 can\u2019t sleep any more anyway.\u201d<\/p>\n

Sound of pillows being punched and \u00a0fluffed. A few soft grunts of effort.\u00a0 <\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

\u201cThere\u2026 enough support for your back?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, thank you.\u201d<\/p>\n

Breathing is short, panting breaths.<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2026 won\u2019t be long now\u2026 will it\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m\u2026 I\u2019m sorry, sir, but no.\u00a0 I don\u2019t imagine so.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cJust\u2026 as well.\u00a0 Not much\u2026 fun\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

A hitched breath, and a shuddering exhale.<\/em><\/strong>\u00a0 \u201cHave you had enough fun, Mr. Cartwright?\u00a0 Enough to remember now to get you through?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat\u2019s.. that?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI asked, did you have enough fun in your wonderful, amazing long life to remember now?\u201d<\/p>\n

A grudging chuckle.<\/em><\/strong>\u00a0 \u201cOh, my dear\u2026 more fun than you can imagine!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cReally?\u201d A distinct note of surprise.<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

\u201cOf course!\u00a0 The fun of watching\u2026 my boys grow up\u2026 marry\u2026\u00a0 The fun of seeing\u2026 my grandchildren.\u201d\u00a0 A hiss of pain.<\/em><\/strong> \u201cNo, I\u2019m\u2026 all right.\u201d\u00a0 A sigh, and the sound of a body resettling itself.<\/em><\/strong>\u00a0 \u201cWe worked\u2026 hard, Jane\u2026 but we\u2026 played hard\u2026 too.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHow so?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh, raising some hell on\u2026 \u00a0a Friday night\u2026\u00a0 Horse races\u2026 pitching horse shoes\u2026 parties, and dances\u2026 sparking women. Enjoying time\u2026 with neighbors and friends.\u00a0 It\u2019s a \u2026 good life. A full life.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAdam and Hoss plan to be here in another couple of hours.\u00a0 Hoss is bringing his daughters.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cMmmhmm\u2026\u00a0 \u00a0I\u2019m glad I saw\u2026 \u00a0young Pat again.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSuch an interesting young man.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIsn\u2019t\u2026 he\u2026 Determined.\u00a0 I get an idea\u2026 \u00a0of what his mother\u2026 \u00a0must have been like.\u00a0 Driven.\u00a0 Fierce.\u00a0 And yet\u2026 a poet\u2019s soul.\u00a0 I wish\u2026 he and Adam\u2026 could find more\u2026 common ground.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u2018When he was here, Patrick shared with me that now that he\u2019s a father of his own \u2018half-grown hooligans,\u2019 he understands where Adam was coming from more easily.\u00a0 That he doesn\u2019t blame him for nearly as many of his punishments as he used to\u2026 or, as he put it, ‘at least not all of them.’ \u201d An amused chuckle.<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

\u201cDid he?\u00a0 That\u2019s good.\u201d\u00a0 A sigh.<\/em><\/strong>\u00a0 \u201cI know Adam struggled \u2026 trying to find the right way\u2026 to raise that boy.\u00a0 He\u2019s a fine man\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBoth of them are.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201c\u2026. Mmmhmmm\u2026\u00a0 Wonder if\u2026 Adam feels the same\u2026 about me\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

Steady, hitched but calm breathing of sleep.\u00a0 A skirt rustling, a door closing.<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

~-oo0oo-~<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201c\u2026 Jane?\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m here, sir.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201c\u2026 the \u2026 boys?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWe\u2019re all here, Pa.\u201d Sorrow and a \u00a0quiet dignity apparent in the voice. <\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

\u201c\u2026 Adam\u2026 so, so proud \u2026 of you.\u00a0 You\u2019re \u2026 the \u2018old man\u2019 now\u2026\u00a0 trust your gut\u2026 \u00a0as much as \u2026 your mind, son.\u00a0 And\u2026 let those\u2026\u00a0 brothers of yours \u2026 help you.\u00a0\u00a0 Trust them, too \u2026 \u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHow could I not, Pa?\u00a0 You raised them.\u201d<\/p>\n

A gasp of a laugh.<\/em><\/strong>\u00a0 \u201cYou did \u2026 as much with them\u2026 as I\u2026 \u201c\u00a0 A brief, panting breath.<\/em><\/strong>\u00a0 <\/em>\u201cHoss?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cRight here beside ya, Pa.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201c\u2026 you\u2026 always were\u2026 the heart\u2026 of the Ponderosa \u2026 Keep her\u2026 as beautiful as when\u2026 we found her\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

A shuddering, sobbing breath.<\/em><\/strong> \u201cYou know I will, Pa.\u00a0 You know it.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cJo\u2026seph\u2026.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cPa, please don\u2019t\u2026 don\u2019t tire yourself out.\u201d<\/p>\n

A short laugh, turned into a wet cough.<\/em>\u00a0 <\/strong>\u201cNo time\u2026\u00a0 Never stop loving, Joe\u2026 Don\u2019t give up\u2026 your passion\u2026 Your fire \u2026 lights up\u2026 this whole\u2026 ranch\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

The soft sound of a kiss on a papery cheek.<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

\u201c\u2026 Jamie\u2026 \u201c<\/p>\n

\u201cY-yes, Pa.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSo\u2026 are you.. glad?\u201d A whisper of humor in the voice.<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

\u201cGlad, Pa?\u201d Bewilderment.<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

\u201c\u2026 Glad\u2026 you came back\u2026 wood cutting\u2026 and all?\u201d<\/p>\n

A gasping laugh then an open sob.<\/em><\/strong>\u00a0 \u201cYes, sir, I sure am.\u00a0 You were right\u2026 you did<\/em><\/strong> have a wealth of affection to give me\u2026 and you did.\u00a0 All of you did. And I love you all for it.\u00a0 Especially you, Pa.\u201d<\/p>\n

Silence falls, but for the rasping breath, struggling to haul itself in, and out\u2026 in, and out\u2026 in, and out\u2026 <\/strong><\/p>\n

Until the silence is complete.<\/strong><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

~-oo0oo-~<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The sound of pages turning, and soft chuckles.<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

\u201cI really can\u2019t believe it\u2026 This is, well, this is truly incredible, Miss Dearford.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh, please, Adam, just call me Jane, do.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, then, Jane.\u00a0 You say he told<\/em><\/strong> you all these stories?!\u201d\u00a0 More pages turning.<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

\u201cYes, sir, all over these last six months.\u00a0 Stories of his life, from the time he was a little boy in Massachusetts, through his father\u2019s death, then his own going to sea with your grandfather.\u00a0 Falling in love with your mother and heading west with you.\u00a0 Meeting his wife, Inger, and welcoming Hoss.\u00a0 His surprise at completely falling in love with Marie and bringing her home, then the joy and fear surrounding Joe\u2019s birth, and the great sadness at the death of your baby sister, too small to survive her birth.\u00a0 The building of the Ponderosa, through all the history that this area has seen.\u00a0 Meeting his grandchildren\u2026 his great-grandchildren, some here close by, the others in Ireland.\u00a0 He wanted them to know their history.\u00a0 So, I thought I\u2019d write them down for him.\u00a0 I was sure you\u2019d know what to do with them.\u201d<\/p>\n

A clearing of a throat, a sniff.<\/em><\/strong>\u00a0 \u201cI\u2026 I think I\u2019ll have them printed and bound.\u00a0 These shouldn\u2019t be lost.\u00a0 I knew some of them, but not all.\u00a0 And \u2026 well, I know my children, and my nieces and nephews, not to mention my brothers, will love reading them.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m glad, sir.\u00a0 Goodbye.\u201d<\/p>\n

A stir of skirts.<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

\u201cJane.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSir?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhy?\u201d<\/p>\n

Silence for a moment. A rustle again of skirts returning. <\/em><\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0\u201cWhen you nurse those who are at the end of their lives, I\u2019ve found the most important thing for them to know is that they mattered.\u00a0 What they felt.\u00a0 What they thought.\u00a0 And that their stories shouldn\u2019t be lost.\u00a0 I did this first when my own father was passing.\u00a0 After he was gone, I found it immeasurably comforting to read his words over and over\u2026 it made him real again for me, present.\u00a0 I \u2026 well, I thought it would be a good thing to do for the families of my patients.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2026 thank you, Jane.\u00a0 I\u2019m more grateful that you\u2019ll ever know.\u00a0 Now his story will never be forgotten.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOne look at the Ponderosa would do that, Adam.\u00a0 This just makes it\u2026 personal.\u00a0 Goodbye, sir.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cGod bless you, Jane.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd you, Mr. Cartwright.\u201d<\/p>\n

THE END<\/p>\n

\n

* Claire Denton, Hoss’ wife, is first introduced in “The Spark,” a short story I’d written for the 1999 40th Anniversary Bonanza Convention Short Story Anthology, and she is further developed in the trilogy of stories Vicki Christian and I wrote together: “The New Hand,” “Duty Bound” and “Full Circle.”<\/p>\n

** references a subplot in the excellent story by Vicki Christian, “Hard Lessons.”<\/em><\/p>\n

*** Patrick is introduced in my story, “As Ye Sow”<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

<\/div>\n

<\/g><\/svg><\/i> \"Loading\"<\/p>\n

<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Summary: Ben Cartwright reflects on his life with a kind listener.
\nRating: G\/K (7201 words)<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":12518,"featured_media":13072,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"template-full-width-post.php","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[7,1004,23,698],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-56646","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-a-u","category-ben-cartwright","category-drama","category-post-timeline","wpcat-7-id","wpcat-1004-id","wpcat-23-id","wpcat-698-id"],"a3_pvc":{"activated":true,"total_views":582,"today_views":1},"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/06\/Fathers-Day.jpg?fit=300%2C300&ssl=1","jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":62283,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=62283","url_meta":{"origin":56646,"position":0},"title":"Double Trouble (by JC)","author":"JC","date":"June 15, 2025","format":false,"excerpt":"Summary:\u00a0 A glimpse into the future with grandchildren on the Ponderosa. Ben gets more than he bargained for when he offers to keep Joe's twins while their parents are away.\u00a0 (Part of the Jacob's Ladder series, links below.) 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And what is it with her and Ben Cartwright? Set in the Art-universe, but definitely a stand alone. 1,800 words, rated T The Art-Universe series, links to all the stories within the series included.","rel":"","context":"In "Alternate Universe"","block_context":{"text":"Alternate Universe","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?cat=7"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":30815,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=30815","url_meta":{"origin":56646,"position":2},"title":"Angelic Visit (by BettyHT)","author":"BettyHT","date":"November 2, 2020","format":false,"excerpt":"Summary:\u00a0 This is the third and final part of the Visit series.\u00a0 In this story, the focus is on Ben who has had suspicions of what has been happening and those are confirmed and a revelation is made that explains why he knew.\u00a0 Joe and Candy are also part of\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Alternate Universe"","block_context":{"text":"Alternate Universe","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?cat=7"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/11\/The-Witness.jpg?fit=568%2C450&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/11\/The-Witness.jpg?fit=568%2C450&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/11\/The-Witness.jpg?fit=568%2C450&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x"},"classes":[]},{"id":19236,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=19236","url_meta":{"origin":56646,"position":3},"title":"Story Time (by JC)","author":"JC","date":"December 25, 2018","format":false,"excerpt":"Summary: Written for the 2018 Advent Calendar, based on the quilting prompt, Jacob's Ladder. 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