{"id":56846,"date":"2025-05-15T10:33:43","date_gmt":"2025-05-15T14:33:43","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=56846"},"modified":"2025-11-05T11:14:46","modified_gmt":"2025-11-05T16:14:46","slug":"the-man-in-green-by-tavia42","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=56846","title":{"rendered":"The Man in Green (by Tavia42)"},"content":{"rendered":"

Summary: On a trip to San Francisco with Hoss, Joe buys himself a new jacket \u2013 and, inexplicably, a giant bolt of green fabric. This purchase launches the boys into an evening of chaos and hijinks involving mistaken identities, Confederate spies, and old friend Mark Twain.<\/em><\/p>\n

Rating: G<\/em><\/p>\n

Word Count: 19,382<\/em><\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

The Man in Green<\/strong><\/p>\n

1.<\/em><\/p>\n

As he walked down the bustling streets of San Francisco, all was well in Joe Cartwright\u2019s world.\u00a0 He had no immediate responsibilities, he had money in his pocket, and Hoss was waiting for him in a saloon down by the waterfront.<\/p>\n

He had just finished the last of his pa\u2019s business in the city, quite effectively if he did say so himself.\u00a0 Most of the money he was carrying was his father\u2019s, but enough belonged to him to make him feel pleasantly wealthy.\u00a0 And that was the best way to feel while heading for a San Francisco saloon.\u00a0 Oldest brother Adam had lectured them sternly about the Barbary Coast saloons, so of course that was always going to be his and Hoss\u2019s first stop once the work was done.\u00a0 Sometimes Adam acted as if they were mere children, who\u2019d never been off the Ponderosa before.\u00a0 Why, the last time they\u2019d been in San Francisco, they\u2019d saved Pa from being shanghaied!<\/p>\n

All in all, it was an uncharacteristically sunny day in the city by the bay, he was young, wealthy and San Francisco was full of lovely women.\u00a0 Everything was perfect.<\/p>\n

And then, as though the afternoon had needed just one more element to complete the idyllic picture, his gaze snagged and he came to an abrupt halt outside a shop window.\u00a0 There, inside the shop, was\u2014the one.<\/p>\n

He had had this feeling before, of perfect rightness, of an ideal match, of an absolute sense that this\u2014this<\/em> was always meant to be part of his life.\u00a0 It had happened the first time he saw Cochise, his beloved paint. \u00a0It had happened with a ramshackle old cabin on the Ponderosa, the perfect place with a perfect view. \u00a0It happened maybe a little too frequently with women, with mixed results.\u00a0 And now it was happening with a green jacket displayed in a tailor\u2019s window.<\/p>\n

Joe fingered the collar of the blue jacket he was currently wearing.\u00a0 He liked it well enough, but it had never quite\u2014settled, never felt like a part of him.\u00a0 The jacket he was looking at now had a similar collar, but that color\u2014he\u2019d never worn much green, but he was suddenly convinced that that was the color he always should have been wearing.\u00a0 He prided himself that he had no trouble charming lovely ladies, but this new addition to his wardrobe could only be an extra asset.\u00a0 Not to mention it would set him nicely apart from the mostly browns and blacks the rest of his family seemed to favor.<\/p>\n

He stepped inside the tailor\u2019s shop, ready for a date with destiny.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The tailor sized up the young man entering his shop with one assessing gaze, and then moved smoothly forward to ask if the gentleman was looking for anything in particular.\u00a0 He didn\u2019t look<\/em> as though he was carrying any great wealth, but this was, after all, a tailor shop near the Barbary Coast.\u00a0 The shopkeeper was very accustomed to sailors, miners and cattlemen coming in wearing near-rags and spilling gold coins out of every tattered pocket.\u00a0 It was best to treat everyone as a secret, hopefully reckless, millionaire.<\/p>\n

\u201cI thought maybe I\u2019d try on that green jacket you\u2019ve got in the window there,\u201d Joe said, with a diffident nod at the item in question.\u00a0 He\u2019d bought and sold enough cattle to know that you never let the seller know how much you wanted to buy their cows, and surely the principle applied to clothes too.<\/p>\n

\u201cAh, you have excellent taste, young sir!\u201d the tailor said, mentally calculating size and cost both at once.\u00a0 He glided over to pluck the jacket from its perch.\u00a0 \u201cI believe the display piece should be a very fine fit.\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe felt the jacket settle over his shoulders, and thought that yes, he had been right \u2013 this was his<\/em> jacket.\u00a0 It was a perfect fit, a bit looser than his blue jacket, the sleeves the right length, the collar the right height\u2026\u00a0 \u201cNot too bad,\u201d he said, examining his reflection in the shop\u2019s tall mirror.<\/p>\n

\u201cNot too bad?\u201d the tailor repeated in apparent horror.\u00a0 \u201cWhy, it fits as though it was made for you!\u00a0 And the color is excellent \u2013 see how the shade brings out the green in your eyes.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt does, doesn\u2019t it?\u201d Joe said, peering closer into the mirror.\u00a0 More than one girl had complimented him on his eyes.\u00a0 This was going to make him irresistible!<\/p>\n

The tailor, meanwhile, was already mentally counting the money from the sale of the jacket, and wondering how he could increase that profit.\u00a0 \u201cPerhaps you\u2019d like an entire outfit \u2013a new pair of pants, a new shirt \u2013 I have some very fine hats as well\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo, thanks, just the jacket.\u201d\u00a0 Joe half-turned, admiring his left profile.\u00a0 His black hat went well enough with the new green.<\/p>\n

\u201cVery good,\u201d the tailor said smoothly, undaunted by the need to be creative for a sale.\u00a0 \u201cIt strikes me, though, that you are likely a man who is hard on his clothes?\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe paused to consider, never having given the idea much thought.\u00a0 He supposed he was<\/em> at that.\u00a0 There were times when his life seemed to involve a lot of scrambling through brush and over rocks, falling off of horses, sleeping on the ground \u2013 Hop Sing certainly complained about how dirty he got his clothes.\u00a0 \u201cI suppose so,\u201d he conceded, turning to examine his right profile.<\/p>\n

\u201cThis could be a difficult fabric to match, very difficult,\u201d the tailor said, in tones of generous concern.\u00a0 \u201cLuckily, I believe I can help you.\u201d<\/p>\n

Turning had also brought Joe to face the window again \u2013 and wasn\u2019t that a pair of very pretty girls looking in right now?\u00a0 \u201cHelp me how?\u201d he asked absently, offering a smile to the ladies outside.<\/p>\n

\u201cI just happen to have in my possession more of the fabric that went into making this very fine jacket.\u00a0 Why not buy extra now, to be ready when you have need?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cUh\u2014yeah, sure,\u201d Joe said, barely listening, as the girls outside giggled to each other, half-covering blushes with their hands.<\/p>\n

\u201cThen you\u2019ll take the lot?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cRight, yeah.\u201d\u00a0 Joe craned his neck as the girls kept walking \u2013 could he catch up with them before they disappeared on the streets \u2013 probably not, but the streets were full of beautiful women, so\u2014<\/p>\n

\u201cA very smart decision!\u201d the tailor said, grasping his arms and beaming at him.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019ll have my assistant bring it out.\u00a0 I expect you\u2019ll wear the jacket?\u201d<\/p>\n

Little Joe had the abrupt feeling he might have missed something.\u00a0 \u201cYeah, I\u2019ll\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cVery good \u2013 let me get the bill of sale for you, and I\u2019ll just need a signature and all money ahead, no refunds, that has always been my policy\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe found himself in a sudden whirl as a pen was put in his hand, and an unexpectedly high figure named.\u00a0 \u201cWait, how much\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cA very<\/em> good price; I\u2019m losing money on it,\u201d the tailor assured him.\u00a0 \u201cHere\u2019s your extra fabric now.\u201d<\/p>\n

An entire\u2014what was the right term for fabric?\u00a0 A bale?\u00a0 A heap? \u2013 whatever it was, there was a lot<\/em> of green corduroy suddenly thrust into Little Joe\u2019s arms, his money was disappearing equally fast, and before he quite caught his breath again he found himself back out on the street with a lighter wallet and a new jacket on his back, carrying an enormous roll of fabric.<\/p>\n

He stared down at the roll in his arms somewhat bemusedly.\u00a0 What was he going to do with all of this?\u00a0 What could<\/em> he do with all of it?\u00a0 He and Hoss didn\u2019t even have a hotel room yet where he could drop it, Hoss would be expecting him \u2013 he was half-tempted to just dump it somewhere, except that the only thing even worse than explaining to his father how he\u2019d spent a small fortune on fabric was to have to explain it without at least having the fabric to show for it.<\/p>\n

No, there was nothing for it \u2013 he’d just have to drag it along and figure out what to do with it later.\u00a0 The roll was heavy and awkward, but he could get it as far as a saloon and then, well, big brother was really<\/em> good at carrying heavy things.<\/p>\n

Anyway, it wasn\u2019t all bad, Joe reflected philosophically, hoisting the bundle a little more securely in his hold.\u00a0 The jacket was good.\u00a0 The jacket was very good, and was plainly going to be worth every penny.\u00a0 Those first two girls were long gone by now, but there were plenty more like them all around.<\/p>\n

With a spring in his step and a\u2014ream?\u00a0 A herd?\u00a0 What was<\/em> the term? \u2013 of fabric on one shoulder, Joe set off towards the saloon.<\/p>\n

2.<\/em><\/p>\n

Hoss was only halfway through his first mug of beer when he glimpsed his little brother coming in the door.\u00a0 Little Joe was late, but just enough to be typical, not enough to make Hoss worry.\u00a0 He raised an arm to signal from his seat at a back table, and Joe flashed a grin and started weaving through the crowd to join him.<\/p>\n

It was only when Little Joe was getting closer that Hoss realized there was something strange about the picture.\u00a0 What in blazes was Joe carrying?<\/p>\n

\u201cHiya, big brother,\u201d Joe greeted him, and dropped his burden on the table between them.<\/p>\n

Hoss stared at the object in confusion as it gleamed softly green in the dim saloon\u2019s light.\u00a0 \u201cLittle Joe, why are you carryin\u2019 a bolt of fabric?\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe snapped his fingers.\u00a0 \u201cA bolt<\/em>, that\u2019s the word I couldn\u2019t think of!\u201d\u00a0 Then he frowned.\u00a0 \u201cWhy do you<\/em> know that?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI know things,\u201d Hoss said defensively.\u00a0 Just because he hadn\u2019t gone to a fancy Eastern college like brother Adam, he still knew things.\u00a0 Couldn\u2019t just exactly remember why he knew this, but he knew it.\u00a0 \u201cBut why<\/em> do you have\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYeah, that\u2019s not important,\u201d Joe said hurriedly, in the way that meant this was sure to come back and get them in trouble later.\u00a0 \u201cWhy do you want to talk about fabric while we\u2019re in a fine establishment like this?\u00a0 Spot any pretty girls while you were sitting here?\u201d<\/p>\n

Now that he mentioned it\u2026\u00a0 \u201cWell, there are a couple of real pretty gals down there at the end of the bar.\u201d\u00a0 Virginia City had its share of saloon girls, and Hoss couldn\u2019t exactly point to anything unusual about these two, but something about the big city \u2013 they seemed different<\/em> somehow, more exciting.\u00a0 It wasn\u2019t that they were actually showing more shoulder than the saloon girls back home, but somehow it felt like they were.<\/p>\n

And Hoss should\u2019ve known he wasn\u2019t going to re-focus Little Joe once he pointed him that direction, but he frowned down at the intrusion on the table anyway and tried one more time.\u00a0 \u201cBut I still don\u2019t see why\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDo you know you haven\u2019t even commented on my new jacket?\u201d Joe interrupted, flicking up his collar even while his gaze was aimed at the two women at the bar.\u00a0 \u201cNice, isn\u2019t it?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI guess.\u201d\u00a0 Truth was, Hoss hadn\u2019t actually noticed until Joe pointed it out.\u00a0 \u201cAin\u2019t it a lot like your old jacket?\u201d<\/p>\n

That got Joe to swing his head around and stare at him.\u00a0 \u201cNo, this one is green<\/em>.\u00a0 The old one was blue.\u201d<\/p>\n

Maybe there were other subtle differences there, but clothes weren\u2019t something Hoss gave a lot of his attention to. \u00a0\u201cYeah, all right, but other than that\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThe color makes all the difference!\u00a0 It brings out the green in my eyes.\u201d<\/p>\n

Hoss shrugged.\u00a0 \u201cWhatever makes you happy, little brother.\u00a0 And why are you<\/em> standing here talking about clothes?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBig brother, you\u2019re so right,\u201d Little Joe agreed, a glint in his eye and a familiar grin on his face.\u00a0 \u201cLet me see if I can go entice those two pretty girls to come over here.\u00a0 You watch my fabric.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWatch yer\u2014\u201d Hoss spluttered.\u00a0 \u201cWhy\u2019m I watching yer fabric?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t want anything to happen to it.\u00a0 It was expensive.\u201d<\/p>\n

That set off a few more warning bells in Hoss\u2019 mind.\u00a0 \u201cLittle Joe, how much did you spend\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cLater, brother, later,\u201d Joe said, waving him off and heading towards the bar.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

At first, all went well.\u00a0 He laid on the trademark Joe Cartwright charm on the ladies by the bar, and they seemed perfectly happy to be bought a drink and introduced to his older brother.\u00a0 He hadn\u2019t quite got their names yet, but he\u2019d get there.\u00a0 It wasn\u2019t until they got back to Hoss and the table that things began to go south.\u00a0 Literally.<\/p>\n

The bolt of fabric somehow looked even bigger, lying across the slightly rickety table, being eyed by two pretty saloon girls.\u00a0 \u201cYou always bring fabric to a saloon?\u201d the redhead asked, eyebrows rising.<\/p>\n

\u201cNo, this is a special occasion,\u201d Joe said swiftly, drawing her chair out and hoping that she wouldn\u2019t ask him any follow-up questions.\u00a0 Not about that<\/em>, at least.<\/p>\n

\u201cNot the strangest thing we\u2019ve ever seen,\u201d the blonde said with a shrug, plunking herself down in the chair next to Hoss.\u00a0 \u201cAlthough usually a fellow\u2019s got more drinks in him before the really peculiar belongings start coming out.\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe managed a weak laugh and sank into his own chair, taking a healthy swallow of his beer.<\/p>\n

\u201cSo where are you boys from?\u201d the redhead asked, sipping her drink and casting a come-hither glance over the rim at Joe \u2013 though he had the feeling it was more automatic than passionate.<\/p>\n

\u201cWe\u2019re in from Nevada,\u201d Hoss volunteered, before Joe had time to come up with the best-sounding answer.\u00a0 \u201cOut Virginia City way.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh,\u201d the redhead said knowingly, and exchanged a glance with her friend.\u00a0 \u201cCountry lads, eh?\u00a0 That explains the clothes.\u201d<\/p>\n

And that rankled Joe.\u00a0 He liked<\/em> the country.\u00a0 He liked the city too, but he got itchy in cities before too long, and wanted the clear cool air of the pine trees again.\u00a0 He didn\u2019t see that there was anything wrong with being from the country.\u00a0 But it was all in the way she said it.\u00a0 Or in the implied criticism of his new jacket.\u00a0 \u201cI bought this jacket here in San Francisco, you know.\u201d<\/p>\n

She flicked a glance over him.\u00a0 \u201cCharming.\u00a0 Buy all that fabric here too?\u201d<\/p>\n

That was harder to make not<\/em> look ridiculous.\u00a0 \u201cWell, ah\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSo, what do you do<\/em> out in Nevada anyway?\u201d the blonde asked.\u00a0 \u201cHerd sheep or something?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNot exactly, ma\u2019am,\u201d Hoss said, and Joe would have preferred he leave it there than continue with, \u201cbut you\u2019re sort of close.\u00a0 We\u2019re cattle ranchers, see.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWe run the biggest spread in Nevada,\u201d Joe said hurriedly.\u00a0 With Pa and Adam, of course, but there was no real need to drop their names in right at this moment.<\/p>\n

It didn\u2019t impress the redhead anyway.\u00a0 \u201cSo it\u2019s really deep<\/em> countryside.\u201d<\/p>\n

On the right day, in the right mood, with the right audience, Joe could paint a picture of the Ponderosa that made it sound like a piece of heaven on earth, the only place really worth being.\u00a0 But the way this woman had already dismissed anything outside of city streets, and the way he was already rattled by his inability to explain why he\u2019d bought a big bolt of green corduroy, he couldn\u2019t seem to formulate the right words.\u00a0 And in the crisis, he fell back on one other card he could play.<\/p>\n

\u201cActually, ma\u2019am,\u201d he said, shifting into the French accent he\u2019d carefully learned when he was seventeen and trying much too hard to distinguish himself from his family, \u201cwe live in Nevada, but I\u2019m from<\/em> New Orleans.\u00a0 Beautiful city, you know, a real jewel of the country.\u201d<\/p>\n

This also failed utterly, much worse than anything that had come before.\u00a0 \u201cOh,\u201d the woman said, dripping disdain into the single syllable, \u201cthe South<\/em>.\u00a0 Come on, Clarabelle, we don\u2019t need drinks bought for us by Confederates<\/em>.\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe blinked.\u00a0 \u201cWait, no, that\u2019s not\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

Too late, as they both sashayed their way back to the bar.<\/p>\n

\u201cHuh,\u201d Joe said, looking rather blankly at his beer mug.<\/p>\n

\u201cI thought you gave up that boy-from-New-Orleans bit a couple years ago,\u201d Hoss commented.<\/p>\n

\u201cSometimes I bring it back,\u201d Joe snapped.<\/p>\n

\u201cUh-huh,\u201d Hoss said, and drew a long drink of beer.\u00a0 \u201cIt ever work?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSometimes!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNot today, little brother.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, thank you, I can see<\/em> that!\u201d<\/p>\n

It was enough to make him wish he\u2019d come into the saloon with his very Eastern, very intellectual oldest brother.\u00a0 Except Adam probably wouldn\u2019t have let him in the saloon to begin with, and definitely wouldn\u2019t have let drop the question of how much all that corduroy had cost.\u00a0 So it was a toss-up.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Unbeknownst to the Cartwrights, their activities in the saloon had not gone unobserved.\u00a0 Two men at a nearby table had been watching and listening, and now one turned to the other and said, \u201cYou noticed the big man in the corner, of course?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOf course,\u201d his companion agreed.\u00a0 Small and thin, with something of the ferret about his nose and his posture, he was a long-time master at spotting the biggest man in the room.\u00a0 It paid to keep his eyes open.<\/p>\n

\u201cHe came in alone and sat there, obviously waiting for someone,\u201d the first man continued.\u00a0 Tall and thin, his wiry frame hid more muscle than most would guess.\u00a0 \u201cAnd then his contact came in.\u201d<\/p>\n

The ferrety man frowned.\u00a0 \u201cThe cowboy.\u201d<\/p>\n

The tall man lifted one finger.\u00a0 \u201cThe one dressed<\/em> like a cowboy.\u00a0 But didn\u2019t you hear him say it was a new jacket?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI heard something like that.\u201d\u00a0 A loud saloon was not the ideal place for eavesdropping, but he had caught snatches of the conversation.<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, then.\u00a0 Obviously it\u2019s a disguise.\u00a0 He let his cover slip talking to that saloon girl \u2013 he may be trying to hide his accent, but it came through briefly.\u00a0 He might look<\/em> like a cowboy and he might be posing as from Nevada, but he\u2019s really from New Orleans.\u00a0 He admitted as much.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIsn\u2019t that a rather foolish thing to do?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cMany otherwise sensible men do very foolish things when a pretty girl bats her eyes at them,\u201d the tall man said.\u00a0 \u201cBesides, it was clear from the moment he walked in that he wasn\u2019t what he appeared.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt was?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOf course.\u00a0 What cowboy comes into a saloon carrying a bolt of fabric?\u201d\u00a0 The tall man shook his head sagely. \u00a0\u201cNo, all the pieces add up to just one conclusion.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhich is?\u201d the ferrety man prompted, knowing his companion would rather be the one to make the statement himself.\u00a0 They had had this sort of conversation many times before.<\/p>\n

The tall man smiled.\u00a0 \u201cWe are plainly looking at two Confederate spies.\u00a0 And there must be something significant to that fabric.\u201d\u00a0 With a sudden new tension, he caught his companion by the arm.\u00a0 \u201cAnd look \u2013 the gentlemen in question appear to be leaving, and taking the fabric with them.\u00a0 Do you know what that means?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWe follow?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cCertainly we follow.\u201d<\/p>\n

3.<\/em><\/p>\n

If the saloon girls in one saloon were going to reject them for being Confederates, there was obviously only one thing to do \u2013 go to another saloon.\u00a0 And this time Little Joe was determined to find just the right one, even if they had to traipse up and down the entire Barbary Coast to find it.\u00a0 Which, Hoss reflected sourly, was easy enough for Little Joe.\u00a0 He<\/em> wasn\u2019t the one hauling around a big bolt of green fabric.\u00a0 Not that it was too heavy or anything \u2013 it was just bulky and awkward, and he kept shifting it from one shoulder to the other or carrying it in front and nothing felt natural.\u00a0 Hoss was just trying it up on his left shoulder again and almost bumped straight into Joe, who\u2019d halted right there on the sidewalk.<\/p>\n

\u201cThis one,\u201d Joe announced, looking up at the saloon in front of them.\u00a0 \u201cLet\u2019s try this one.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhy this one?\u201d Hoss asked, squinting at the faded sign.\u00a0 Not that he wanted to keep walking, but he was<\/em> genuinely curious.\u00a0 \u201cWe must\u2019ve passed a dozen already.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ve got a good feeling about this one.\u201d<\/p>\n

Hoss finally made out the name from the peeling paint.\u00a0 \u201cThe Mississippi Riverbank?\u201d\u00a0 Mississippi was pretty far south, wasn\u2019t it?\u00a0 He grinned.\u00a0 \u201cYou figure they won\u2019t kick us out from here for being Confederates?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWill you just stop talking about that?\u201d Joe hissed.\u00a0 \u201cCome on, let\u2019s get inside before you tell the whole city we work for Jefferson Davis.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSure, little brother, whatever you say.\u201d<\/p>\n

The Cartwrights headed into the saloon, with its very Southern name, unaware that two men trailing casually along behind them were now certain that all their suspicions had just been confirmed.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Inside the saloon, there was the usual background hubbub of noise, of voices and laughter and beers thumping on wooden tables, and even a tinny piano playing in one corner.\u00a0 There was also a more unusual note, though, one voice pitched to carry above the rest, and Joe thought the voice sounded familiar before he managed to parse the words or identify the source.<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd so, my friends, there I was \u2013 hanging onto the wheel as the greatest storm to ever sweep the southern half of this fine country blew itself down the river.\u00a0 Rocks to the right of me \u2013 rocks to the left of me \u2013 a driving rain making visibility low, and I knew there were shallow places where a boat could run aground.\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe\u2019s face split into a smile as he spotted the curly-haired man holding forth from a back table to a crowd of a half-dozen.\u00a0 \u201cHey, look \u2013 it\u2019s Sam Clemens.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat was that?\u201d Hoss asked, adjusting the bolt of cloth into a new position again \u2013 although not, Joe noted with approval, dragging it on the floor.\u00a0 You never knew what you might pick up on a saloon floor.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou know, the newspaperman \u2013 Mark Twain,\u201d Joe said.\u00a0 He felt a kind of proprietary interest in the man\u2019s penname.\u00a0 Hadn\u2019t he been right next to him when Sam came up with it?\u00a0 That had been during Sam\u2019s time working on The Territorial Enterprise<\/em> in Virginia City, and more specifically during a gun battle the Cartwrights had been fighting, after Sam\u2019s articles ruffled up one of the more prominent figures in town.<\/p>\n

\u201cOh yeah,\u201d Hoss said, swinging the fabric up onto his shoulder and narrowly avoiding hitting a man at the table they were passing.\u00a0 \u201cLet\u2019s say hello.\u201d<\/p>\n

They wove through the crowded room, and Sam broke off his story mid-sentence as they approached.\u00a0 \u201cWell\u2014do my eyes deceive me, or are the Cartwright boys out of Nevada?\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe grinned.\u00a0 \u201cWe do get off the ranch sometimes, Sam.\u00a0 How are you doing?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cFine, just fine \u2013 come, have a seat and explain to me why you\u2019re carrying around a bolt of green cloth.\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe\u2019s smile faltered some at that \u2013 but at least Sam seemed more friendly on the subject than the saloon girls had been.\u00a0 He dropped into a chair next to Sam while Hoss heaved the fabric onto the tabletop.<\/p>\n

\u201cWait, Sam, what happened on the river?\u201d one of the onlookers asked.\u00a0 \u201cIn the storm?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI steered to port and we rode out the storm, it was fine,\u201d Sam said dismissively.\u00a0 \u201cBut do you know who these fine gentlemen are?\u00a0 This is only Hoss Cartwright, the strongest man in Nevada, and Little Joe Cartwright, the most charming man in Virginia City now that I\u2019ve left it!\u201d<\/p>\n

There was general laughter, which only increased when Hoss got his bashful look and said, \u201cAw, shucks, I don\u2019t know about that.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI do,\u201d Joe put in.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019ve never seen him beat yet.\u201d\u00a0 It would be all for the best if they could turn this conversation towards big brother\u2019s strength, maybe start up an arm-wrestling contest, anything to distract from\u2014<\/p>\n

\u201cSo, tell me why there\u2019s a bolt of cloth on my table,\u201d Sam prompted.<\/p>\n

\u201cAsk Little Joe that one,\u201d Hoss said, shaking his head.<\/p>\n

Joe tried to rally to the situation.\u00a0 \u201cThat happens to be very important fabric.\u00a0 I have big plans for that fabric.\u00a0 And it\u2019s very valuable, I\u2019ll have you know, a very worthwhile purchase that anyone would have\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou got rooked by a tailor, didn\u2019t you?\u201d Sam said succinctly.<\/p>\n

Joe sighed.\u00a0 It was hard to fool a man with Sam\u2019s talent for spinning a tall tale.\u00a0 \u201cYeah.\u00a0 But it\u2019s not all bad. \u00a0I got a nice jacket too.\u201d<\/p>\n

Sam nodded.\u00a0 \u201cI see that.\u00a0 Good color on you.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThanks, I thought so too.\u201d<\/p>\n

The onlookers, apparently finding this less engaging than stories of terror on the river, were drifting away.\u00a0 This might have been why Sam chose that moment to hail a saloon girl for another round of drinks, now that there were fewer people to cover.<\/p>\n

\u201cThanks, what do we owe you?\u201d Joe asked.<\/p>\n

\u201cDoesn\u2019t look like you\u2019ve got the money to spare,\u201d Sam said with a meaningful nod at the green corduroy.\u00a0 \u201cBut don\u2019t worry, boys, drinks are on The Morning Call<\/em>.\u00a0 I\u2019m here on official business.\u00a0 Investigative journalism.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYeah?\u201d Hoss said.\u00a0 \u201cWhat\u2019re you investiga…tively\u2026journal\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cInvestigating,\u201d Joe intervened.<\/p>\n

Sam leaned in closer, glanced around, then said in a low voice, \u201cWould you boys believe there are Confederate spies among us?\u201d<\/p>\n

Hoss gave a low whistle.\u00a0 \u201cNo kidding?\u00a0 What\u2019re they doing this far west?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSan Francisco\u2019s a very important port.\u00a0 No doubt they have money to move, information to pass, all sorts of business.\u00a0 Rumors are flying all around town.\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe shook his head.\u00a0 \u201cYou\u2019d think spies would be more discreet.\u00a0 I mean, they aren\u2019t going to walk around talking about being spies, right?\u00a0 I wonder how the rumor got started.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh, I can tell you that one,\u201d Sam said easily, leaning back again.\u00a0 \u201cI started it.\u00a0 And The Morning Call<\/em> believed it, which ought to be good for at least three nights in the saloons on the company tab.\u201d<\/p>\n

Hoss guffawed and Joe shook his head in mingled disbelief and admiration.\u00a0 \u201cYou sure you don\u2019t want to move back to Virginia City, Sam?\u00a0 We could use a talent like yours around when we\u2019re trying to talk our way out of something with Pa.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYeah, like when we robbed that bank last year,\u201d Hoss rumbled.<\/p>\n

\u201cWith the best of motives!\u201d Joe protested.\u00a0 It maybe hadn\u2019t been their finest moment, but he still maintained that they\u2019d done the best thing they could, under the circumstances.\u00a0 After it was all over, he had convinced Sheriff Coffee to give him one of the wanted posters, with his and Hoss\u2019 faces drawn on it.\u00a0 He figured he\u2019d put it up on his bedroom wall, once Pa got to the point where he chuckled about the whole thing.\u00a0 They weren\u2019t there yet, but maybe eventually.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou know you have to tell me this story,\u201d Sam said, lifting his beer mug with an interested gleam in his eye.<\/p>\n

The story of the entirely justified bank robbery lasted most of the way through the beer and was at one of its most interesting points when a surge in the crowd shoved a man almost as large as Hoss, but considerably drunker, up against their table.<\/p>\n

\u201cEasy there, friend,\u201d Joe said, putting a hand up as a shield, the man\u2019s back colliding with his palm.<\/p>\n

The man turned around \u2013 and he was a lot uglier and a lot meaner-looking than Hoss too.\u00a0 \u201cWhat\u2019s it to you?\u201d he rumbled.<\/p>\n

Joe held up both hands now, palms out.\u00a0 \u201cHey, I\u2019m just having a drink here\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n

And next thing he knew a big fist was colliding with his jaw, and sending him and his chair over backwards with a crash.\u00a0 He reflected as he went down that usually there was a little<\/em> more back-and-forth before someone started hitting him, and also that he was probably lucky the man was too drunk to have much finesse.\u00a0 The blow had glanced instead of connecting solidly, and that was still enough to send him flying.<\/p>\n

By the time he got disentangled from his chair, Hoss had already set to with the big drunk, and while Joe thought about jumping in to help \u2013 well, Hoss seemed to have it under control.\u00a0 He sank down to sit on the floor again, rubbing his jaw, and saw that Sam Clemens had retreated under the table, sitting quite calmly and still sipping his beer, which he lifted in salute.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m a writer, not a fighter,\u201d Sam said with a shrug.<\/p>\n

Joe was just giving an answering shrug when he spotted two more men pitching into the fray \u2013 apparently, improbably, the big drunk had friends.\u00a0 And he couldn\u2019t let Hoss fight those<\/em> odds alone.<\/p>\n

Before the dust settled, half the saloon had gotten involved on one side or the other, to the extent that you could even talk about two sides \u2013 after a few minutes it was more of a brawling free-for-all with very few loyalties involved.\u00a0 The Cartwright brothers\u2019 instinctive and unwavering ability to back each other up may be why they were among the few still standing by the time the brawl ended \u2013 which was half due to the shouting of the saloon-owner and half due to most of the participants simply giving up the whole thing as a bad business, not worthwhile when they could go down the street for another beer at any of a half-dozen other saloons.<\/p>\n

\u201cIs it all over?\u201d Sam asked as he emerged from under the table.<\/p>\n

\u201cJust about,\u201d Joe said, picking up his chair and righting it again.\u00a0 It wobbled a little, but had come through the fight mostly unscathed.<\/p>\n

\u201cAny serious injuries?\u201d Sam asked, glancing Joe and Hoss over.<\/p>\n

Joe was sure that he\u2019d have a few bruises, but nothing that hadn\u2019t happened any number of times before.\u00a0 And his new jacket seemed to have come through just fine too.\u00a0 He gave Hoss a quick glance, but big brother seemed to have made out about the same.\u00a0 \u201cWe\u2019ve been through worse,\u201d he said, dropping into his chair.\u00a0 \u201cSpeaking of, I was just about to tell you about the owner of the mules we borrowed\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

The words trailed away as he looked at the empty tabletop in front of him.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat\u2019s the matter, Little Joe?\u201d Hoss rumbled, sitting down again too.<\/p>\n

Joe whipped his head around, scanning the room \u2013 how something so big could just vanish \u2013 even in all the chaos, how could he have missed\u2014<\/p>\n

\u201cJoe?\u201d Hoss prodded again.<\/p>\n

\u201cMy fabric is gone!\u201d<\/p>\n

The enormous bolt of green corduroy was nowhere in sight.<\/p>\n

\u201cHuh,\u201d Hoss said, without nearly the amount of alarm Joe felt was appropriate to the situation.\u00a0 \u201cMaybe it rolled off the table?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThen it would be on the floor, and it isn\u2019t<\/em>,\u201d Joe hissed, looking over the nearby territory again, just in case.\u00a0 Nothing.<\/p>\n

\u201cI would have seen it fall,\u201d Sam volunteered, \u201cand I didn\u2019t.\u00a0 Why do you suppose someone would want to take a bolt of cloth?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWe have to find it!\u201d Joe said, shooting to his feet.<\/p>\n

\u201cNow simmer down there, little brother,\u201d Hoss said, in his soothing tone.\u00a0 \u201cI still don\u2019t know what you thought you were going to do with a load of corduroy to begin with.\u00a0 Maybe you should just let things be, and\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s going to be bad enough explaining to Pa that I spent a fortune on fabric. \u00a0I can\u2019t try to explain it without<\/em> any fabric<\/em>!\u201d<\/p>\n

Hoss considered.\u00a0 \u201cYou make a good point there.\u201d\u00a0 He heaved up to his feet.\u00a0 \u201cAlright.\u00a0 They can\u2019t\u2019ve gone too far, lugging that big ol\u2019 thing.\u00a0 And Joe \u2013 how much did <\/em>you spend on that fabric?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNot important right now,\u201d Joe said quickly, and headed for the door, knowing his brother would follow him.\u00a0 And, hopefully, not ask further questions.<\/p>\n

\u201cWait for me, boys,\u201d Sam Clemens called, weaving through the tables in pursuit.\u00a0 \u201cThis has the potential to be far more interesting than looking for Confederate spies I invented myself.\u201d<\/p>\n

4.<\/em><\/p>\n

Hoss watched Little Joe charge off down the street outside the saloon and shook his head.\u00a0 There was nobody like little brother when he got an idea in his head.\u00a0 Sometimes that was a good thing, and sometimes\u2026<\/p>\n

Joe\u2019s method of trailing whoever\u2019d stolen his fabric (and just how much had<\/em> it cost?) seemed to be to grab every passerby and ask if they\u2019d seen anyone carrying a bolt of fabric.\u00a0 And as long as he had the energy for that, Hoss was just fine with letting him get on with it.\u00a0 So he hung back at an easy stroll alongside Sam Clemens, and just kept an eye out in case Little Joe grabbed someone who didn\u2019t like being grabbed, and might decide to grab back.<\/p>\n

\u201cHow\u2019s life treating you, Sam?\u201d Hoss asked conversationally.<\/p>\n

\u201cOh, can\u2019t complain,\u201d Sam said with a shrug.\u00a0 \u201cIt\u2019s a good job at The Morning Call<\/em>.\u00a0 My assistant does most of the work, and that frees up my time for literary efforts.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou know, I\u2019ve tried to get Joe to do my work on the Ponderosa, but it\u2019s never quite worked out.\u00a0 Pa always sees through it anyway.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYour father is a very discerning man, as I recall.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYeah.\u00a0 You know, you ought to come visit us some time, he\u2019d like to see you.\u00a0 Adam too.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh, I remember Adam well,\u201d Sam said, rubbing his jaw with a rueful expression.<\/p>\n

\u201cHoss!\u00a0 Sam!\u201d\u00a0 Little Joe came back at a run, pointing wildly behind him.\u00a0 \u201cIt\u2019s this way, come on \u2013 somebody saw two men carrying a bolt of fabric in through that door!\u201d<\/p>\n

Hoss squinted at the blank brick building, the nondescript wooden door.\u00a0 \u201cWhere are we anyway?\u00a0 What is that place?\u201d<\/p>\n

Sam looked up and down the street.\u00a0 \u201cIf I\u2019m not mistaken, that\u2019s the back side of the old opera house.\u00a0 Much more impressive from the front, you understand.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cCome on<\/em>,\u201d Joe urged, \u201cthey\u2019re going to get away!\u201d<\/p>\n

The door, when they reached it, was unlocked.\u00a0 Hoss was undecided if that was good luck or bad luck.\u00a0 If it was locked, maybe they could have just called the whole thing a bad business and gone back to the saloon \u2013 but more likely Little Joe would have come up with a scheme to get inside that would have involved breaking windows or climbing on rooftops.<\/p>\n

As it was, the door creaked open to reveal an uninspiring hallway, empty of people, with one open door visible a little way down.\u00a0 All three together, they ventured down the hall.<\/p>\n

\u201cAll right, everybody stay alert now,\u201d Joe whispered, drawing his gun as they approached the doorway.<\/p>\n

\u201cBe careful with that,\u201d Hoss warned, \u201cyou\u2019re liable to scare someone.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI know, I know,\u201d Joe said, waving at him with his free hand as he crept up to the doorway and carefully peered inside.\u00a0 After a few seconds his tense posture relaxed and he reached up to scratch his thick curls, expression perplexed.\u00a0 \u201cOh.\u00a0 Hmm.\u201d<\/p>\n

Hoss looked over his shoulder, Sam peering around behind him.<\/p>\n

No people, but definitely fabric.\u00a0 Lots of fabric.\u00a0 It took a moment to realize in the dim light that most of it was actually clothing, hanging on long racks, but plenty of bolts of cloth lined the walls too.<\/p>\n

\u201cCostume department,\u201d Sam said wisely.\u00a0 \u201cThere you go, then.\u00a0 We know your cloth is in the building somewhere.\u00a0 Consider a trade.\u00a0 Pick a bolt you like, and call it a night.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWe can\u2019t take another bolt!\u201d Hoss protested.\u00a0 \u201cThat\u2019s stealing!\u00a0 It\u2019d be wrong.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat kind of talk is that from a famous bank robber?\u201d Sam asked.<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd I don\u2019t want other<\/em> fabric, I want my<\/em> fabric,\u201d Joe said, with a remarkable amount of attachment to something he\u2019d owned for maybe two hours.\u00a0 Little Joe always was<\/em> like that, though, falling hard and fast.\u00a0 \u201cHow can I use other fabric for patches on my jacket?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhy do you need patches on a new jacket?\u201d Hoss asked.<\/p>\n

\u201cNot today<\/em>, just\u2014eventually!\u201d<\/p>\n

The room seemed to be empty, which made it especially startling when a bolt of cloth standing upright along one wall fell over with a thud, followed immediately by the words, \u201cOh, dear.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThat way!\u201d Joe hollered, charging off after two indistinct figures who scurried \u2013 there was really no other word for it \u2013 farther into the gloomy room, bolt of green fabric carried between them across their shoulders.<\/p>\n

Hoss shook his head and followed Joe, because he would never be able to explain any of this to Pa without him.\u00a0 The two men up ahead started knocking over racks as they went, costumes and wooden racks crashing down to the ground and spilling clothes everywhere, until they were all but wading through a sea of costumes.\u00a0 Hoss got hit in the face with some big, lacy, ruffled thing that Joe shoved behind him, and by the time he got untangled from that Joe was diving through the far door in continued pursuit.<\/p>\n

Cursing under his breath, Hoss tried to go through the doorway after his brother, only to have Joe come reeling backwards into him, backpedaling as frantically as he\u2019d been rushing forward.\u00a0 He collided with Hoss\u2019 stomach, bounced off, slipped on some silky dress and thudded down to the ground.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat now<\/em>?\u201d Hoss demanded.<\/p>\n

\u201cThey have a\u2014they\u2014\u201d\u00a0 Winded, Joe was visibly trying to get enough air to speak.<\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s right!\u201d a voice called from the next room.\u00a0 \u201cBack to the center of the room with your hands in the air!\u00a0 Don\u2019t try anything or we\u2019ll fire!\u201d<\/p>\n

Hoss squinted doubtfully ahead, but he couldn\u2019t get a good view into the next room unless he stepped over Joe, and that\u2019d probably put him in the line of fire.\u00a0 \u201cWhat\u2019d I say about drawing your gun?\u201d\u00a0 Though Little Joe didn\u2019t usually<\/em> look this alarmed when someone pointed a pistol at him\u2026<\/p>\n

\u201cCannon,\u201d Joe wheezed finally.\u00a0 \u201cThey\u2019ve got a cannon<\/em> in there!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHuh,\u201d Hoss said, and lifted his hands.\u00a0 \u201cThat\u2019s a lot of commitment for a bolt of fabric.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cA cannon, you say?\u201d Sam commented thoughtfully from the back of the group.\u00a0 He had his hands up too, but didn\u2019t look unduly alarmed.\u00a0 \u201cAre you sure about that?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI know a cannon when I see one!\u201d Joe said hotly, still sitting on the ground but arms raised, his pistol on the floor next to him.<\/p>\n

Sam snapped his fingers.\u00a0 \u201cOf course.\u00a0 They\u2019re bluffing.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWith a cannon<\/em>?\u201d Hoss said doubtfully.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s not real.\u00a0 Or at least, it\u2019s not loaded.\u201d\u00a0 Sam nodded towards the next room.\u00a0 \u201cWe\u2019re in the opera house, right?\u00a0 They\u2019re in the prop room.\u201d\u00a0 He pitched his voice louder, to a carrying tone.\u00a0 \u201cThat\u2019s a stage cannon, isn\u2019t it?\u201d<\/p>\n

There was a moment\u2019s silence in both rooms and then, from what probably was<\/em> the prop room, came, \u201cOh, dear.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAfter \u2018em!\u201d Joe shouted, snatched up his gun again and leapt to his feet to resume the pursuit.<\/p>\n

5.<\/em><\/p>\n

Joe wouldn\u2019t have admitted it to Hoss, but there was a part of him that was enjoying all of this immensely.\u00a0 He was an adventurer at heart, and chasing a pair of renegades through a darkened building had all the earmarks of a classic escapade.\u00a0 Of course, it would be better<\/em> if they were in pursuit to rescue fair maiden, or perhaps some fabulous treasure (though with the amount he\u2019d paid for that fabric, it did have an element of wealth to it), but still, the thrill of the chase in its pure form was hard to resist.<\/p>\n

He ran into the next room, charging ahead with gun in hand, ready to hazard whatever came \u2013 which still didn\u2019t mean he was prepared for it when the cannon went off.<\/p>\n

A thunderous roar shook the entire room and Joe dove for the floor again, ears ringing and colorful spots flashing across his vision \u2013 spots which, he realized after a few seconds, weren\u2019t in his head, but rather actual fireworks pinwheeling around the room.\u00a0 And the pounding footsteps running away weren\u2019t just his ears ringing \u2013 and neither were the other, counter-footsteps coming towards him.<\/p>\n

\u201cJoe!\u201d Hoss hollered, rushing towards him.\u00a0 \u201cWhat happened?\u00a0 Little Joe!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDown here.\u201d \u00a0Joe lifted one arm, and then pointed at Sam, who was peering in from the doorway.\u00a0 \u201cYou<\/em> said it wasn\u2019t loaded.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, not with a cannonball,\u201d Sam said, unrepentant.<\/p>\n

Hoss seized Joe by the jacket, hoisting him up off the ground.\u00a0 \u201cYou all right?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYeah, yeah,\u201d Joe said, brushing ineffectually at Hoss\u2019 big hands.\u00a0 \u201cWatch the jacket, don\u2019t rip it.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI ought to\u2026\u201d Hoss growled, words trailing off into an inarticulate groan as he dropped Joe again.<\/p>\n

He narrowly managed to land on his feet.\u00a0 \u201cCome on, they\u2019re getting away!\u201d<\/p>\n

They haphazardly made their way through the prop room, where any number of unidentifiable objects had tumbled to the ground in the chaos, vision further obscured by wisps of smoke.\u00a0 Although at least it didn\u2019t seem as though any active fires had caught.\u00a0 Tripping and stumbling over random items he didn\u2019t stop to check on, Joe made it to the next doorway, the only possible exit, and saw the two men, carrying his bolt of fabric, rushing down the hall.<\/p>\n

This hall, though, wasn\u2019t empty.\u00a0 A cannon going off, with whatever ammunition, had attracted attention, and more people were crowding into the hall, faces and voices full of questions and alarm.<\/p>\n

Joe shook his head.\u00a0 No time for all of this!\u00a0 He had to catch up to his disappearing cloth investment.\u00a0 He dodged around the people in the hall, trying not to shove anyone, tossing off quick apologies as he went, dashed around a corner and\u2014more people, but none of them carrying a bolt of green corduroy.<\/p>\n

His heart sank, but it would take more than this to put Joe Cartwright off of a chase.\u00a0 Two doors and a staircase were all possible directions the men could have gone.\u00a0 He could stop to ask, but\u2014why not keep charging on?\u00a0 He grasped the handle of the nearest door and shoved it open\u2014to confront something that could definitely<\/em> put Joe Cartwright off of a chase.<\/p>\n

It appeared he had found some sort of communal changing room, considering it was filled with women in varying stages of dress, some wearing quite elaborate costumes and some wearing \u2013 not much at all.\u00a0 There were a number of glances his way and a few titters and giggles, but no one actually shrieked.\u00a0 He had<\/em> heard rumors that actresses were even more comfortable with this sort of thing than saloon girls\u2026<\/p>\n

\u201cDo you mind?\u201d one of the women nearest the door said, with only a lazy sort of objection in her voice and not a whole lot more than a corset and some ruffles on the rest of her.<\/p>\n

\u201cMa\u2019am,\u201d Joe said, and flashed his trademark charming grin, \u201cI don\u2019t mind if you don\u2019t\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n

A big hand seized him by the shoulder and hauled him back out of the doorway.\u00a0 \u201cLittle Joe Cartwright, you ought to be ashamed of yourself!\u201d Hoss said in righteous and furious tones.\u00a0 \u201cWhat would Pa think?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cPa ain\u2019t here,\u201d Joe said, trying to get around Hoss and back to the so very interesting doorway.<\/p>\n

\u201cWe\u2019re very sorry, ladies,\u201d Hoss said, stepping into Joe\u2019s way and trying to grab for the door handle without actually looking inside.\u00a0 \u201cNo harm meant, just an accident, we do apologize\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHey, did you see anybody come through here with some fabric?\u201d Joe called, trying to crane over Hoss\u2019 shoulder.\u00a0 \u201cA big bolt of green fabric?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNot since yesterday,\u201d the one in the corset and ruffles said, and Joe could just see enough to catch her wink.<\/p>\n

\u201cSorry, ladies, very sorry,\u201d Hoss continued, finally got a hold of the door handle, and yanked it firmly closed.<\/p>\n

Joe let out a gusty sigh.\u00a0 Here was a vision absolutely from his dreams<\/em>, and big brother Hoss had to be along to spoil it.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat\u2019s the matter with you?\u201d Hoss demanded.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat\u2019s the matter with me<\/em>?\u201d Joe protested, splaying his fingers against his chest.\u00a0 \u201cWhat\u2019s the matter with you<\/em>, not enjoying a sight like that?\u00a0 They didn\u2019t even mind!\u00a0 Anybody would have taken advantage of that!\u00a0 Ain\u2019t I right, Sam?\u201d he appealed to Sam Clemens who had been bringing up the rear of their little party.<\/p>\n

Sam glanced from Joe\u2019s face to Hoss\u2019 glare, coughed, and said, \u201cI think I\u2019ll side with the giant here.\u00a0 Sorry, Joe.\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe rolled his eyes, while Hoss said, \u201cI thought you were so all-fired up about chasing down your missing fabric.\u00a0 What happened to that?\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe cast a longing look at the closed door.\u00a0 \u201cYeah, well, I just\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBecause you have to explain to Pa<\/em>, remember?\u201d Hoss pressed the point.<\/p>\n

\u201cYeah, yeah, all right,\u201d Joe groaned.\u00a0 He tried to get his thoughts back onto his missing fabric, and off<\/em> of all that missing fabric on the ladies in their dressing room.\u00a0 \u201cYou want to try the second door?\u201d<\/p>\n

Hoss glowered at him suspiciously, but carefully stepped up to the second door and slowly eased it open, with all the caution he might have used if he expected a room full of dynamite \u2013 or hungry lions \u2013 on the other side.<\/p>\n

Joe couldn\u2019t help feeling a little hopeful, that they were going to reveal new exciting sights \u2013 or at least the two men fleeing with his fabric.\u00a0 Instead, the door finally swung open to reveal only another hall, empty of anyone at all.<\/p>\n

Hoss sighed.\u00a0 \u201cMaybe we ought to just go back to the saloon\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo, hang on \u2013 there\u2019s only two directions they could have gone,\u201d Joe interrupted, \u201cthrough this door or up the stairs.\u201d\u00a0 He glanced around the hall, but as quickly as everyone in it was moving through, he didn\u2019t believe anyone was still here who\u2019d seen anything useful.\u00a0 \u201cWe\u2019ll split up.\u00a0 Hoss, you take the hall.\u00a0 Sam and me will go up the stairs.\u201d<\/p>\n

Hoss\u2019 glower had never entirely faded, and now it was back in force.\u00a0 \u201cI don\u2019t know if that\u2019s a smart idea, Little Joe.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m sure you can handle both of \u2018em, big brother,\u201d Joe said, even though he knew full well that was not what was worrying Hoss.\u00a0 \u201cAnd I\u2019ll have Sam here to back me up.\u201d\u00a0 And not<\/em> interfere, supposing they came upon something else that was \u2013 interesting.\u00a0 \u201cRight, Sam?\u201d<\/p>\n

Sam shrugged.\u00a0 \u201cSo far this has had all the earmarks of an interesting tale, though I\u2019ll more likely have to class it as fiction than an item for the news.\u00a0 Still, that remains to be seen by how it concludes.\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe blinked at him.\u00a0 Doggone if Sam couldn\u2019t talk as fancy as brother Adam!\u00a0 \u201cSo\u2014that\u2019s a yes?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, I will continue the pursuit with you,\u201d Sam clarified.<\/p>\n

\u201cGreat!\u201d Joe said, and clapped Sam on the shoulder.\u00a0 \u201cNow let\u2019s go before they get farther ahead!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cLittle Joe,\u201d Hoss began, a warning note in his voice, but Joe didn\u2019t wait for the rest of that sentence.<\/p>\n

\u201cMeet out front if you don\u2019t find \u2018em,\u201d Joe tossed over his shoulder, already scampering up the stairs.\u00a0 Sometimes you just had to be firm with big brother.\u00a0 He generally went along in the end.\u00a0 And this was no time for arguing \u2013 he had stolen fabric to rescue!<\/p>\n

6.<\/em><\/p>\n

Hoss knew<\/em> this wasn\u2019t going to end well.\u00a0 It never ended well, for either of them, when Joe started getting notions in his head.\u00a0 But he didn\u2019t really see a good alternative.\u00a0 He could<\/em> chase after Little Joe, haul him off of the stairs, and possibly throw him over his shoulder and carry him back to the saloon bodily.\u00a0 Except Joe would sulk for weeks, and also find some way to blame him, Hoss, when he had to explain about the fabric he\u2019d bought and then lost.<\/p>\n

Or Hoss could do a quick run down this hall, maybe even catch up to the men who\u2019d stolen the blasted fabric \u2013 and what could they possibly want with a big bolt of fabric anyway? \u2013 and then<\/em> they could go back to the saloon.\u00a0 It seemed likely to him that the men had come down this way.\u00a0 Why would they run away upstairs, especially carrying something heavy, when they could escape across flat terrain?<\/p>\n

Yeah, probably he could just wrap this whole thing up.\u00a0 And hopefully Sam would keep Little Joe out of the worst kind of trouble.<\/p>\n

That was how he justified it to himself, anyway, as he ran down the hall, and tried not to worry that he was relying on Sam Clemens<\/em> to keep his little brother out of trouble.\u00a0 He liked Sam, mind, but anybody who could come up with a story about a wild man on the Ponderosa couldn\u2019t be the most stable fellow around.\u00a0 And he wasn\u2019t sure anyway that there was a man alive who could keep Little Joe out of trouble when he was dead-set on a thing.\u00a0 Except maybe Pa, but Pa was a long<\/em> way off.<\/p>\n

Shaking his head, Hoss hurried on down the hall, which was pretty well empty of anybody or anything, including any big bolts of green fabric.\u00a0 He tried a few doors along the way but all of them were locked \u2013 and why all those gals in their various states of undress hadn\u2019t locked their<\/em> door, he didn\u2019t know.\u00a0 But that was beside the point, the point was that if those two fellows who\u2019d stolen the fabric had a key and had locked the door behind them \u2013 well, he wasn\u2019t going to start busting doors down, not over a load of cloth, so there just wasn\u2019t much to do if they had<\/em> gone in one of those rooms.<\/p>\n

He reached the end of the hall, opened the door at that end, and found himself out on the bustling street again.\u00a0 Holding onto his hat, he looked up at the building behind him.\u00a0 Sam\u2019d been right, it was a lot more impressive from this side, with a lot of pillars and lanterns and a just-visible sign picked out in gold reading San Francisco Opera House<\/em>.\u00a0 He did a half-hearted scan of the street but no, not a single bolt of fabric in sight.\u00a0 And if the crooks had<\/em> come this way, they could be anywhere by now.<\/p>\n

Hoss leaned one shoulder against the nearest pillar.\u00a0 Joe\u2019d said to meet here, so he\u2019d wait here.\u00a0 For about three minutes, tops, and then he was going back in to see what trouble little brother had probably got into by then.\u00a0 Maybe he ought to go back in right away, at that.<\/p>\n

He was just about fixing to do that when a woman in a long red dress and matching hat came sidling up out of the general passersby and took up a spot next to him at the pillar.\u00a0 \u201cGood evening,\u201d she said, voice all low and drawling.<\/p>\n

\u201cUm.\u00a0 Evening, ma\u2019am,\u201d Hoss said, tipping his hat.<\/p>\n

\u201cYour timing is perfect,\u201d she said, looking out at the street instead of at him.<\/p>\n

\u201cMa\u2019am?\u201d Hoss said uncertainly.\u00a0 Was she flirting with him?\u00a0 Was that what this was?\u00a0 He\u2019d seen Little Joe have this sort of conversation all sorts of times, but somehow when it was him,<\/em> he got all tongue-tied and fumbled.<\/p>\n

\u201cI recognized you from the description, of course,\u201d she continued.\u00a0 There was a strangeness to how she said the words, a little like how Joe sounded when he was trying to do his boy-from-New-Orleans bit.\u00a0 That almost distracted Hoss from the strangeness of the actual words<\/em>.\u00a0 What description?\u00a0 \u201cAnd of course, this is<\/em> the second pillar from the left.\u201d<\/p>\n

He looked around, and supposed it was at that.\u00a0 But so what?\u00a0 \u201cMa\u2019am, I don\u2019t know if you\u2019re really meaning to talk to me\u2014<\/em>\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019re right, we shouldn\u2019t be seen together,\u201d she said quickly, and next thing he knew she was pressing a folded square of paper into his hand.\u00a0 \u201cYou know what to do.\u201d<\/p>\n

He really, really didn\u2019t.\u00a0 Had she mixed him up with someone else?\u00a0 Maybe he was caught in the middle of some sort of secret romantic nonsense.\u00a0 Or was she just plumb loco?\u00a0 \u201cMa\u2019am, I really don\u2019t think\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n

But she was already walking away, merging into the crowd, and though he could still spot her hat, he\u2019d have to chase after her for any more conversation.\u00a0 He looked at the opera house behind him and back to the woman walking away\u2014and it all seemed pretty obvious that the more important thing to do was to pull his little brother out of the scrape he was surely in by now.\u00a0 Strange women in red dresses would just have to take care of themselves.<\/p>\n

He shoved the paper into a vest pocket without bothering to look at it, and hurried back inside the opera house.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

From a shadowed doorway across the street from the opera house, two men watched the big cowboy hurrying back inside.\u00a0 They were not two men with a bolt of fabric, nor had they even seen a bolt of fabric this evening.\u00a0 They were entirely different men, ones who were almost comically mismatched \u2013 one was tall and broad, the other smaller with a slim build.\u00a0 Both, however, were united in matching glares aimed at the building across the street.<\/p>\n

\u201cJust lookit that.\u00a0 Ya come two minutes late to a meeting an\u2019 some dirty rotten rattlesnake gets a hold of the message,\u201d the big man groused.<\/p>\n

\u201cThis ain\u2019t gonna be good,\u201d the small man said, nervously tapping his fingers against his gun holster.\u00a0 \u201cWe need that information.\u00a0 If it got to the wrong person\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWe\u2019ll get it back,\u201d the big man said, loosening his own gun in its holster.\u00a0 \u201cWe just catch up to the rattlesnake an\u2019 take it back, that\u2019s all.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHe looks pretty big.\u00a0 And he\u2019s got kind of a mean look too.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWe can take him, no problem.\u00a0 Now come on, before he gets away.\u201d<\/p>\n

With that, the two men headed across the street and into the opera house.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Joe took the stairs two at a time, partially to try to catch up if the men with his fabric were ahead somewhere, and partially in case Hoss decided to turn back around and follow after all.\u00a0 The stairwell seemed to go all the way up through the building without any landings at floors in between, but that was only to the good \u2013 nowhere else for the men to have gone, if they\u2019d come this way to begin with.\u00a0 He could hear music from somewhere, so maybe they were near the theater part of the opera house.<\/p>\n

Sam was a good half-flight behind by the time the stairs finally opened out into a level passage somewhere in the upper reaches of the building, music swelling much louder, but Joe didn\u2019t wait for him.\u00a0 He charged out\u2014and only realized a half-dozen steps on that he was on some sort of narrow walkway, with the brightly-lit stage very<\/em> far below him.<\/p>\n

Joe swallowed, skidding to a sudden halt.\u00a0 He shoved his drawn pistol into its holster, to free both hands for reaching out to hold tightly onto the extremely flimsy railings on either side of the walkway.\u00a0 He jerked his head up, gaze resolutely forward and not<\/em> down.<\/p>\n

\u201cSomething wrong?\u201d Sam asked, slightly out of breath, as he came up behind Joe.<\/p>\n

\u201cNo.\u00a0 No, everything\u2019s fine,\u201d Joe lied through his teeth.<\/p>\n

He didn\u2019t like heights.\u00a0 He\u2019d never liked heights.\u00a0 He liked admitting<\/em> that he didn\u2019t like heights even less, but he still hated heights.\u00a0 He had yet to entirely forgive Hoss for launching him up in a balloon that time Pa\u2019s old friend Major Cayley came to visit, and right at this moment, with huge depths beneath him, exacting suitable revenge for that incident suddenly seemed like a more pressing matter than it had before.<\/p>\n

But also there was the problem of actually being<\/em> on a walkway, very high up, with Sam Clemens behind him \u2013 and did he trust Sam not to make a story of it, if the man realized that Joe Cartwright, fearless adventurer, debonair ladies\u2019 man, fast draw and expert horseman, was afraid of heights?\u00a0 No, he did not.\u00a0 So that left just one option.<\/p>\n

Joe swallowed hard, and inched one boot forward.\u00a0 The walkway didn\u2019t actually sway, that was something, although the lights and the music and the swirling dancers prancing across the stage below \u2013 he dragged his horribly fascinated gaze back up again \u2013 made it feel as though the entire world<\/em> was swaying.<\/p>\n

Behind him was a man who could tell all of San Francisco, and by extension all of California, and by further extension all of Nevada<\/em>, that he was afraid of heights.\u00a0 Ahead of him was, maybe, the men he had sworn to capture, with the bolt of fabric that, after all this effort, seemed to be getting more valuable by the moment.<\/p>\n

Forward.\u00a0 Nothing for it but forward.<\/p>\n

Joe forced his gaze to stay straight ahead, held onto the railings, and walked forward as fast as he could make himself move.<\/p>\n

It took nearly all his self-control to get across the walkway, and required the last shred to stop himself from heaving a deep sigh of relief when he stepped onto solid floor at the opposite end, moving into some sort of attic space up here at the top of the opera house.\u00a0 He had no self-control left to resist wiping a hand across his suddenly sweaty forehead.<\/p>\n

\u201cWarm up here, isn\u2019t it, with all those lanterns below?\u201d Sam said as he stepped off the walkway behind him, smiling sympathetically.<\/p>\n

Well\u2014maybe he wouldn\u2019t tell anyone after all.\u00a0 And even if he did, he didn\u2019t have any proof<\/em>.<\/p>\n

\u201cWe\u2019d better\u2014keep going,\u201d Joe managed, pointing ahead.\u00a0 The men had probably done the smart thing and taken the door down below instead of going up the stairs.\u00a0 He and Sam were probably up here for no reason at all.\u00a0 Hopefully Hoss had already grabbed the men below, and they could just do a quick exploration up here and find a different<\/em> staircase down, one that didn\u2019t mean going back across that walkway.<\/p>\n

All in all, Joe was a little distracted as he continued forward towards the next doorway.\u00a0 With that, and the shadows, and the music from the stage below covering sounds, it wasn\u2019t that surprising that he didn\u2019t spot the man crouched in the darkness.\u00a0 Not until the man stood up, pointing a gun at him that was all too clear despite the poor lighting.<\/p>\n

\u201cHands up where I can see them,\u201d the man said, a classic order from outlaws and lawmen alike.<\/p>\n

Joe suddenly realized that he had not drawn his pistol again, after holstering it on the walkway.\u00a0 A stupid mistake, and if he hadn\u2019t been so rattled by the height\u2026he groaned, and lifted his hands.\u00a0 \u201cYou\u2019re going to regret this,\u201d he told the gunman, and hoped he\u2019d come up with a reason why that was so before he was asked for it.<\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t think so,\u201d the gunman said, pistol unwavering.<\/p>\n

Out of the corner of his eye, Joe could see that Sam had his hands up too \u2013 and the man wasn\u2019t even wearing a gun, so there wasn\u2019t likely to be much help from that direction.<\/p>\n

\u201cMaybe you could at least try to explain to me,\u201d Joe said, pitching his voice conversationally, \u201cwhy you\u2019re going to all this trouble over a bolt of fabric.\u00a0 The resale value isn\u2019t that high.\u201d\u00a0 He\u2019d<\/em> paid a fortune for it, but unless they were really brilliant conmen, they probably couldn\u2019t get as high a price as the tailor had.\u00a0 And if they were brilliant conmen, surely they had better schemes to spend their time on than this<\/em>.<\/p>\n

\u201cDon\u2019t try to fool us,\u201d the gunman said, \u201cwe know that fabric contains vital information.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cVital information?\u201d Joe repeated, baffled.<\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s right!\u201d a new voice joined in, and Joe turned his head to see a second man emerging from the opposite side of the room.\u00a0 \u201cWe\u2019re not going to be fooled by a couple of Confederate spies!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cConfederate spies<\/em>?\u201d\u00a0 In spite of himself, Joe began to laugh.\u00a0 \u201cSomeone\u2019s definitely confused here.\u201d\u00a0 He lowered his hands, turning towards the second man.\u00a0 \u201cLook, this is just a big mix-up.\u201d<\/p>\n

He barely heard Sam say, \u201cLook out\u2014\u201d before a pain crashed into the back of his head.<\/p>\n

It occurred to him, as he tumbled down to the floor, that he really shouldn\u2019t have turned his back on the first one.<\/p>\n

7.<\/em><\/p>\n

When Joe opened his eyes again, he discovered that he was lying on the floor with his wrists and ankles tied.\u00a0 Never a good way to wake up, but hardly the first time it had happened to him.\u00a0 He used his elbow to lever himself up and look around.\u00a0 Sam Clemens was sitting against the wall nearby, similarly tied-up.\u00a0 They seemed to still be in the attic space of the opera house \u2013 a different part of it, but the warped boards of the wall and floor were a familiar style.\u00a0 In fact \u2013 he was pretty sure he even recognized the doorway over there, only now they were on the opposite side of it.\u00a0 There was some light from a lantern near them, but it didn\u2019t reach to the opposite end of the room, where two shadowed figures were bent over a table.<\/p>\n

Sam caught his eye as he pushed himself to sit up, and gave an apologetic shrug.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019m sorry, Joe.\u00a0 Writer, not a fighter.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDidn\u2019t you get into any fistfights on that riverboat?\u201d Joe asked.\u00a0 He didn\u2019t really blame Sam \u2013 he<\/em> shouldn\u2019t have turned around \u2013 but his head hurt, and he did rather wish it was Hoss in this with him.\u00a0 Where was<\/em> Hoss, and how soon was he going to come looking for them?<\/p>\n

\u201cI may have exaggerated the stories slightly.\u201d
\n\u201cRight,\u201d Joe said, and squinted into the darkness.\u00a0 \u201cHey, you two \u2013 you want to explain what this is all about?\u201d<\/p>\n

They ignored him, continuing to murmur in low voices, heads bent over an indistinct shape on the table.\u00a0 Indistinct until one of them bumped it, it wobbled and with sudden momentum rolled right off the table, long swathe of green corduroy unwinding as it went.\u00a0 The bolt bumped across the floor and halted, still only half-unrolled, right at Joe\u2019s feet.<\/p>\n

Joe looked at it bemusedly.\u00a0 It was almost like Cochise, trotting back to his master.\u00a0 He wished he had Cochise now, but they\u2019d ridden the stage to San Francisco and old Cooch was back home on the Ponderosa.\u00a0 Joe wished he was there with him.\u00a0 Instead, he was here, with a bolt of fabric and a lot of questions.<\/p>\n

\u201cWho are<\/em> you?\u201d Joe asked.\u00a0 \u201cAnd why do you think my corduroy is important?\u00a0 And did you say something about Confederate spies, or is that just the blow to the head?\u201d<\/p>\n

One of the men finally looked their way, the taller one who\u2019d been holding the gun before, and held up something that glinted in the lanternlight.\u00a0 Since it was revealed for all of about half-a-second, Joe couldn\u2019t have said what it was besides shiny \u2013 but the man was swift to say, \u201cWe\u2019re federal marshals, designated to disrupt the supply of information passing through Confederate spies in San Francisco.\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe tried to stifle a groan.\u00a0 Federal marshals?\u00a0 Pa was going to have his hide<\/em> for this.\u00a0 \u201cI don\u2019t know what you think I have to do with this, but\u2014I don\u2019t know anything about Confederate spies.\u00a0 I only bought a jacket!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes,\u201d the tall man agreed, \u201ca very clever disguise to aid your claim of being a rancher from Nevada.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI am<\/em> a rancher from Nevada!\u201d Joe said, then frowned.\u00a0 \u201cWait, how did you know that?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWe heard everything we needed to know in the saloon,\u201d the second man chimed in.\u00a0 He was smaller, kind of ferrety looking somehow.\u00a0 \u201cNo doubt you thought you were unobserved, but we heard you confess to the saloon girls that you\u2019re really from New Orleans!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI was flirting<\/em>,\u201d Joe protested.\u00a0 \u201cI didn\u2019t mean it!\u00a0 My mother was from New Orleans, but not me<\/em>.\u201d<\/p>\n

Tall one was shaking his head.\u00a0 \u201cIt\u2019s all too easy to change a story now, after you\u2019ve been caught.\u00a0 You don\u2019t really expect us to believe you, do you?\u00a0 And how do you explain this<\/em>?\u201d he asked, gesturing to the bolt of fabric.<\/p>\n

\u201cI got rooked by a tailor,\u201d Joe said through gritted teeth.<\/p>\n

\u201cOr<\/em> you are using it to carry secret messages!\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe sagged back against the wall.\u00a0 His head hurt, and this was ridiculous.\u00a0 All he\u2019d done was see a jacket in a window, and somehow his entire evening had unraveled into its current state.\u00a0 He looked down at the jacket, at the green cuffs that didn\u2019t quite hide the ropes on his wrists.\u00a0 He did still like the jacket, though.\u00a0 That was something.<\/p>\n

Then he looked over at Sam, and realized he had another card to play.\u00a0 \u201cHey, wait a minute \u2013 Sam here knows me!\u00a0 This is Sam Clemens, the writer.\u201d\u00a0 Sam was shaking his head, but Joe pressed on.\u00a0 \u201cSam\u2019ll back me up \u2013 I\u2019m Joe Cartwright, from the Ponderosa.\u00a0 Sam knows.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, we are familiar with Mr. Sam Clemens,\u201d Tall One said, voice disdainful.\u00a0 \u201cWe are also familiar with the exaggerated quality of his stories, and his propensity to tell tall tales regarding the Cartwrights of Nevada.\u00a0 You can see why we would find his testimony suspect in this regard.\u201d<\/p>\n

Sam sighed.\u00a0 \u201cI already tried, Joe.\u00a0 We may be encountering a case of the proverbial boy who cried wolf.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDid you tell them there aren\u2019t any Confederate spies?\u201d Joe hissed.\u00a0 \u201cThat you made them up<\/em>?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOf course there are Confederate spies,\u201d Tall One continued.\u00a0 \u201cWe\u2019ve had multiple reports on them, and you and your associate from the saloon match the descriptions perfectly.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSam,\u201d Joe said in a tight voice, \u201ctell me you weren\u2019t thinking of Hoss and me when you started that rumor.\u201d<\/p>\n

Sam shook his head.\u00a0 \u201cI never even described the spies.\u00a0 The story must have gained some new elements along the way.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd those new elements just happen to look like us?\u201d\u00a0 Joe glowered at the murky ceiling and tried to think.\u00a0 Surely Hoss\u2019d be along before too long.\u00a0 He didn\u2019t entirely fancy the idea of being rescued by his big brother, though.\u00a0 At least, not without putting some effort in himself.\u00a0 The knots on his wrists weren\u2019t that tight \u2013 but with his ankles tied too, and the men right there to see him struggling with the ropes \u2013 no, that was no good.<\/p>\n

Maybe he\u2019d just have to sit tight and wait until they carted him off to some jail, and then send a telegram\u2026and let Pa know he\u2019d been mixed up in all this\u2026but at least he\u2019d get out<\/em> of it.\u00a0 And he could tell Pa how he\u2019d been cooperating with the federal marshals.\u00a0 Pa was real big on cooperating with federal marshals.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou know what\u2019s strange?\u201d Sam remarked conversationally.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019d be easier to say what isn\u2019t<\/em> strange right now,\u201d Joe said sourly.<\/p>\n

\u201cSomething seems familiar about our captors there.\u00a0 I\u2019m sure I\u2019ve heard the voices before, but I can\u2019t quite place them.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh good, everybody recognizes everybody, except I <\/em>got recognized as a Confederate spy!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cCould you please keep quiet over there?\u201d Ferretty said, rather mildly.\u00a0 \u201cWe\u2019re still trying to examine this fabric for secret messages.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s just fabric!\u201d Joe hollered.\u00a0 \u201cThere aren\u2019t any messages!\u00a0 That would be the least subtle secret message ever!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSomebody<\/em> around here has got a message what belongs to me,\u201d a new, deeper voice joined the conversation, \u201cand I\u2019m aimin\u2019 to find it.\u201d<\/p>\n

For just a breath, Joe thought it was Hoss standing in the doorway, coming in from the direction of the walkways and the stage.\u00a0 The height was right, and the general shape was right, and even the voice was pretty close.\u00a0 And then the man took another step forward, more light reaching him, and\u2014the clothes were all wrong, and unless big brother had grown a beard<\/em> in the last ten minutes, something very strange was happening.\u00a0 Though a sudden beard would be pretty strange too, actually.<\/p>\n

The two men by the table exchanged glances, and Tall One picked up his gun.\u00a0 \u201cAre you\u2014his associate from the saloon?\u201d he asked uncertainly.\u00a0 There was<\/em> an extremely disturbing resemblance, but\u2014no, that beard clinched it, definitely not Hoss.<\/p>\n

\u201cI been in a lotta saloons in my day,\u201d the strange not-Hoss said, pacing forward, \u201cbut I ain\u2019t got nothing to do with that pipsqueak sittin\u2019 on the floor.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cPipsqueak?\u201d Joe repeated indignantly.\u00a0 He wasn\u2019t that<\/em> small, whatever his nickname might be.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s a trick, ain\u2019t it?\u201d not-Hoss continued, sweeping his gaze around the room.\u00a0 \u201cYou\u2019re all in it together somehow, right?\u00a0 You and that big ol\u2019 fellow downstairs what interfered with my business?\u201d<\/p>\n

Ferretty straightened up indignantly.\u00a0 \u201cI assure you, we are not<\/em> in collaboration with these rogues.\u00a0 We are federal marshals, pursuing Confederate spies in a mission of vital importance to the Union.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cProve it,\u201d not-Hoss growled.<\/p>\n

Tall One stepped forward a pace, finally moving into the light, as he lifted the same badge from before.\u00a0 He barely held it up for a second, and yet\u2014something seemed a little off, now that Joe had seen it a second time\u2026<\/p>\n

Not-Hoss chuckled.\u00a0 \u201cThat\u2019s nice.\u00a0 I\u2019m goin\u2019 to have a lot more fun with this, killing federal marshals.\u201d<\/p>\n

And then a lot of things happened at once.<\/p>\n

The man gave a very un-marshal-like squeak, and retreated behind the table again.<\/p>\n

Sam snapped his fingers and said, \u201cWait, I\u2019ve got it \u2013 I knew I recognized those voices \u2013 you two work for The San Francisco Herald<\/em>, don\u2019t you?\u201d<\/p>\n

Not-Hoss started to lumber forward, in a very threatening fashion, while the man with the gun suddenly developed a bad shake.<\/p>\n

And Joe realized that the bolt of fabric was lying right up against his boots.<\/p>\n

Joe kicked out hard against the fabric \u2013 with some regret for the probable boot-prints \u2013 and it went bouncing forward, crashing into the table and knocking it, the two men behind it and, crucially, the lantern, all flying.<\/p>\n

In the new darkness and confusion, Joe lurched up to his feet.\u00a0 The ropes on his ankles were just about loose enough to allow a very awkward shuffling, but he\u2019d take it.\u00a0 He started across the room \u2013 not towards not-Hoss, who was swearing loudly and stamping about, and definitely not towards that absurd walkway again, but towards the open door on the opposite side of the room.\u00a0 It was barely visible in the shifting shadows, but he only just clipped his shoulder against the edge dodging through.<\/p>\n

On the far side he made a grab for the doorhandle of the open door with both hands \u2013 no other way to do it, with his hands still tied \u2013 and was yanking it around to close when he heard a gasp of, \u201cWait!\u201d and Sam Clemens stumbled through after him.\u00a0 Well, good.\u00a0 He hadn\u2019t exactly meant to abandon Sam, he\u2019d just been moving on instinct to escape.<\/p>\n

He shoved the door the rest of the way shut with his shoulder, then pressed his back to the door both to hold it closed and for balance to slide down and reach the rope around his feet.\u00a0 He\u2019d like<\/em> it off his hands, but he needed<\/em> his feet free if they were going to make any kind of distance.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou all right?\u201d he asked Sam, as his fingers tugged at the rope.\u00a0 It wasn\u2019t too hard to undo, clearly tied by people whose fathers had not been sailors at any point in their lives.<\/p>\n

\u201cOh, can\u2019t complain,\u201d Sam said, though he sounded slightly winded.\u00a0 \u201cThe adventure continues very promising for an exciting story.\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe snorted and shook his head, just as the rope came undone.\u00a0 \u201cHere, let me get your feet,\u201d he said, and reached for the rope tying Sam.\u00a0 This knot was even sloppier, as though it had been done in a hurry \u2013 maybe by men who didn\u2019t want their faces recognized.<\/p>\n

He was just turning to the rope on his hands when a gunshot rang out from the room behind them.\u00a0 Joe\u2019s eyes widened.\u00a0 The door behind him, some sort of splintery wood, was not something he wanted to rely on with bullets firing, not when he was pressed with his back against it like this.\u00a0 Their hands would have to wait.<\/p>\n

\u201cMove, go!\u201d he ordered, springing up and running forward as fast as he dared in the uncertain moonlight coming from some very small windows.\u00a0 Which was not very fast, especially after his shin hit the edge of a crate.\u00a0 He cursed, looked around a little more, and concluded they were in some sort of storage space.\u00a0 There was a central path through it, but it would have been much easier to navigate with real light.<\/p>\n

More shots behind them, but they were gaining some space at least, and then \u2013 a stairway<\/em>, leading down.\u00a0 Joe dove for it.\u00a0 He wanted to go down<\/em>, right now, as fast as possible \u2013 barring, of course, the fastest way, which would be falling off one of those walkways.\u00a0 Stairs would be just fine.<\/p>\n

8<\/em>.<\/p>\n

When Hoss went into the opera house again, he tried to retrace his steps back to where he had split off from Little Joe and Sam.\u00a0 That seemed like the best way to track them, go back to their last known location.\u00a0 And he hadn\u2019t thought it would be hard, since he\u2019d just gone down one long hallway.\u00a0 But the exit door must have looked different from this side, or something, because he couldn\u2019t seem to end up in the same place he\u2019d started.<\/p>\n

Or maybe it was that he was still sort of muddled by that strange woman and her strange paper, still crinkling in his pocket.\u00a0 Maybe he ought to stop and look at the paper \u2013 but time was passing, and he wanted to find Little Joe, somewhere in this strangely complicated building.<\/p>\n

Give him a pine forest or an empty desert or even a rocky expanse and he could track a horse or a man just fine.\u00a0 But an opera house<\/em> was a different beast entirely.<\/p>\n

He made his way through back halls and into an elegant lobby, through rooms selling food and back into service corridors again.\u00a0 There were plenty of people around, all of them seeming to know exactly where they were going.\u00a0 He didn\u2019t stop to ask for directions, because he didn\u2019t know how to ask for directions for where he needed.\u00a0 Could you point me to the hallway that the ladies\u2019 changing room opens off of?<\/em>\u00a0 It gave him the cold sweats just to think of asking that out loud.\u00a0 No one seemed to mind him being here, but \u2013 no, no help to be found with that<\/em> question.<\/p>\n

The situation didn\u2019t seem to be getting better though, as he somehow fumbled his way into a darker hallway.\u00a0 He had turned back around to try to decide if he should go back the way he\u2019d come or keep going when a voice addressed him from behind.\u00a0 \u201cWeren\u2019t you checking the upper levels?\u00a0 I\u2019m searching down here already.\u201d<\/p>\n

It almost<\/em> sounded like Little Joe\u2019s voice, only with an unfamiliar twang to it that wasn\u2019t his New Orleans accent either \u2013 maybe Texas? \u2013 and when Hoss turned around he almost thought he was looking at Joe too.\u00a0 Except \u2013 well, Joe might\u2019ve changed clothes in the last few minutes, but it wasn\u2019t likely he\u2019d grown a mustache too.<\/p>\n

And of course the words didn\u2019t make sense either, when Joe had gone upstairs, but that was the least of what was strange right now.\u00a0 Hoss blinked, squinted, said the not at all articulate, \u201cYou\u2019re\u2014who\u2014how?\u201d<\/p>\n

The other man\u2019s face screwed up and his eyebrows bunched a lot like Joe\u2019s too, but he seemed to have a slightly better grasp on the situation.\u00a0 \u201cYou ain\u2019t Big Jack.\u00a0 You\u2019re the other one!\u201d<\/p>\n

Hoss was still trying to work out what that<\/em> meant when not-Joe pulled a gun.\u00a0 \u201cHey now, wait a minute,\u201d Hoss said, raising his hands.\u00a0 \u201cI don\u2019t know what you think\u2019s going on here\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHand over the message, or do I have to take it off yer body?\u201d<\/p>\n

Hoss thought at once of the paper from the mysterious woman outside, the one still in his vest pocket.\u00a0 He had no particular desire to hang onto the message, but there was a nasty look in the other man\u2019s eyes that said he was dead whether he handed the message over or not.\u00a0 He did<\/em> have a pressing desire not to test that out.\u00a0 And there was a door on his left.<\/p>\n

So he threw himself left, intending to smash through the door if necessary, only to have it swing open and spill him into the next room, crashing him down onto the floor.<\/p>\n

It was a familiar room, for all he\u2019d tried not to look before.\u00a0 He was at a different angle, but he had<\/em> glimpsed this room.<\/p>\n

And apparently him actually falling into the room was a little more upsetting to the ladies inside than Joe just opening a door.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou can\u2019t be in here,\u201d a redhead said from somewhere overhead, while what felt like dozens of other women drew back with exclamations and at least faint alarm.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m sorry, ma\u2019am, I really am, but I can\u2019t go back, ma\u2019am,\u201d Hoss managed, scrambling to his feet and trying his best to cut through the room without looking at anything or<\/em> falling over anything, two obviously contradictory goals in a room this crowded with people and clothing \u2013 very little of the clothing in the right places, on people, but instead just sort of strewn across chairs \u2013 and everywhere there were little tables and mirrors and what was<\/em> this place anyway?\u00a0 Well, he knew<\/em> what it was, but why was it like this?<\/p>\n

He stumbled over a chair, narrowly avoided a mirror, and charged desperately towards another door up ahead.<\/p>\n

Behind him, he could hear that Texas voice saying, \u201cOh \u2013 hello, girls,\u201d so maybe this exit route was buying him a little time.\u00a0 Definitely would if that feller had more in common with Little Joe than just looks.\u00a0 He felt a twinge of guilt at whether he was dragging all these ladies into whatever this mess what, but the only thing he could think of to do was to get out as fast as possible.\u00a0 It definitely wasn\u2019t going to help them to start a firefight in the middle of their changing room.<\/p>\n

He was at the door finally, wrenched it open, and found \u2013 still not that first hallway he\u2019d been looking for.\u00a0 How many doors did a changing room need?\u00a0 Nothing for it but to go out anyway, shutting the door behind him and grabbing a crate nearby to shove in front of it.\u00a0 Might buy a few more seconds.\u00a0 Then he looked around, and \u2013 what was this, backstage?\u00a0 Curtains and boxes and he could hear music and see lights somewhere up beyond the curtains but he wasn\u2019t going to go that<\/em> way.\u00a0 He hurried along on this side of the curtains, and a few of the people back here were looking at him funny now, but no one actually stopped him.\u00a0 And no one hollered at him from the direction of the changing room, so maybe he\u2019d lost that strange feller behind him.<\/p>\n

He thought he\u2019d gone all the way across behind the stage and out the far end when he spotted a staircase.\u00a0 It wasn\u2019t the right staircase, not the one he\u2019d been looking for, but at least it led up.\u00a0 Little Joe had gone up.\u00a0 So he\u2019d go up too, and see where that took him.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Joe thundered down the stairs as fast he dared with his hands still tied in front of him.\u00a0 He\u2019d gone a couple of flights and was picking up speed nicely, zipping around the turns on the stairs, when he made the next turn and collided straight into a big wall of muscle.\u00a0 With anybody smaller, they probably would\u2019ve both gone tumbling down the stairs, but as it was, Joe bounced off backwards, bumped into Sam behind him, and sent both of them<\/em> thudding down onto the stairs, which was better than falling forwards but not great either.<\/p>\n

\u201cHow\u2019d you get down here so fast?\u201d Joe groaned, taking in the big shape of the man in front of him before his gaze traveled all the way up to the face \u2013 no beard.\u00a0 \u201cHoss!\u00a0 You\u2019re Hoss!\u201d<\/p>\n

Hoss squinted at him doubtfully.\u00a0 \u201cYou get hit on the head, little brother?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYeah, but that ain\u2019t the point right now.\u201d\u00a0 Joe held up his tied hands.\u00a0 \u201cGet these off me, will ya?\u201d<\/p>\n

Hoss\u2019 frown deepened, but he reached for the knots.\u00a0 \u201cWhat happened, Little Joe?\u00a0 Who tied you up?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cA couple of federal marshals who\u2019re actually newspapermen, on account of they think you and me are Confederate spies.\u201d<\/p>\n

Hoss stared at him for a second, then looked at Sam, sitting a step behind.\u00a0 \u201cHow hard did he get hit?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHis story is in fact accurate, if not particularly clear,\u201d Sam said, which mostly added up to agreement.<\/p>\n

Hoss had just got the ropes off of Sam too when they heard thuds and shouting from somewhere up above.<\/p>\n

\u201cThat the Confederate spies?\u201d Hoss asked.<\/p>\n

\u201cNo, we\u2019re<\/em> the Confederate spies, weren\u2019t you listening?\u201d Joe snapped.\u00a0 \u201cCome on, go down, we\u2019ve got to get out of here.\u00a0 At least until I can get another gun.\u201d\u00a0 As a general rule he\u2019d rather fight back, but unarmed and with Sam Clemens in tow \u2013 what\u2019d Adam like to say?\u00a0 Sometimes discretion was the better part of valor.\u00a0 This usually came up when Adam was trying to talk him out of some sort of foolishment, so he wouldn\u2019t say this was a code he lived by \u2013 but maybe just this once.<\/p>\n

They\u2019d only made it a few steps down when a new figure appeared on the stairs a couple flights below.\u00a0 He was on the small side and\u2014Joe blinked, with the uncanny feeling he was looking into some sort of distorted mirror.\u00a0 Except his reflection had both a mustache and a gun.<\/p>\n

\u201cGo back up,\u201d Hoss ordered, \u201cI\u2019ll cover us.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYeah, but there\u2019s another one up there!\u201d Joe protested.<\/p>\n

\u201cBut this one\u2019s aimin\u2019 at us!\u201d Hoss said, drawing his own gun just as the other man fired.<\/p>\n

It missed anybody, but Joe turned and hightailed it back up the stairs, Sam Clemens in the lead and Hoss behind them, firing back.\u00a0 Maybe they\u2019d get lucky and the one up above wasn\u2019t actually to the stairs yet.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat\u2019s it all about anyway?\u201d Joe demanded as they climbed.<\/p>\n

\u201cNo idea,\u201d Hoss said, firing again.\u00a0 \u201cSomething about a message.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYeah, the one up here said that too.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI think we can safely conclude they\u2019re in collaboration with each other,\u201d Sam contributed.<\/p>\n

With Hoss covering, they put some flights between them and the one below, but when Sam opened the door at the top of the stairs, he slammed it shut again immediately.<\/p>\n

\u201cThe big one\u2019s coming,\u201d Sam announced, pressing his back to the closed door.<\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s not going to hold against that big ugly gunman in there,\u201d Joe groaned, and scanned the area for options.\u00a0 A stair landing didn\u2019t provide many.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat big ugly gunman?\u201d Hoss asked.<\/p>\n

\u201cThe other one\u2019s partner \u2013 he\u2019s the one up there, looks kinda like you.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cGee, thanks,\u201d Hoss said sarcastically.<\/p>\n

\u201cI just meant \u2013 hey, that\u2019s a trapdoor,\u201d Joe interrupted himself, spotting it up above.\u00a0 \u201cBoost me up, will you?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI might\u2019ve known you\u2019d get me up on a roof somehow,\u201d Hoss grumbled, but squatted down to give Joe a hoist up.<\/p>\n

The statement was blatantly unfair.\u00a0 Joe did not want<\/em> to be on a rooftop, but with angry men with guns coming from both directions, what choice did they have?<\/p>\n

9.<\/em><\/p>\n

The trapdoor opened with a simple shove, and while it took some scrambling and maneuvering, they all managed to get up through it.\u00a0 Joe was just swinging it closed again when not-Hoss and not-Joe both appeared from opposite directions on the landing below.<\/p>\n

\u201cThey\u2019re coming!\u201d Joe announced, looking for a way to latch the trapdoor from this side.<\/p>\n

\u201cHere, move,\u201d Hoss said, and dumped an armful of planks somebody\u2019d left up here across the trapdoor.\u00a0 Must\u2019ve been doing some roof work some while ago.<\/p>\n

\u201cThat won\u2019t hold long,\u201d Sam said.\u00a0 \u201cMay I suggest we find another exit?\u00a0 Or at least a defensible position?\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe looked around the roof, which was big and flat so he didn\u2019t have to think too hard about how high up it was.\u00a0 There was no obvious door in sight, but there were several big chimneys, wide ones that looked big enough to shelter three people, provided they didn\u2019t try to stand up.\u00a0 \u201cOver there,\u201d he said, pointing to the nearest.<\/p>\n

They all scrambled that way, crouching down behind it.<\/p>\n

\u201cI may have been mistaken,\u201d Sam said, sitting against the chimney.\u00a0 \u201cI should have spent the evening looking for fictitious spies in the saloon.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHey, Joe,\u201d Hoss said as he peered around one edge, \u201cdo you remember that loco town down in Texas?\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe was ready for the question, since the memory had been on his mind too.\u00a0 This was just the first moment he\u2019d had a chance to really stop and focus on it.\u00a0 \u201cYou mean the one where they thought we were hired gunmen?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYeah \u2013 what was the name of those fellows they thought we were?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThe Slade brothers,\u201d Joe supplied.\u00a0 \u201cYou think that\u2019s who\u2019s here?\u00a0 The real Slade brothers?\u201d<\/p>\n

Hoss scratched up under his hat.\u00a0 \u201cI mean, you saw somebody who looked like me, and we both saw somebody who looked like you, and how many can there be, right?\u00a0 Only I thought the Slade brothers got killed after we left town.\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe shrugged.\u00a0 \u201cWe just heard a lot of shots.\u00a0 Reckon we don\u2019t really know what happened to them.\u00a0 Only it looks like we\u2019re finding out now.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThis bit of history is fascinating and I\u2019m sure I\u2019d love to hear the story another time,\u201d Sam interjected, \u201cbut what are we going to do<\/em> now?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cRight, you\u2019re right.\u201d\u00a0 Joe nodded.\u00a0 \u201cWe\u2019ve got to find another way off of this roof, and we need to get back around to where we left my fabric\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n

Hoss groaned.\u00a0 \u201cLittle Joe, don\u2019t you think it just might<\/em> be time to let the fabric go<\/em>?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHoss!\u201d Joe said indignantly.\u00a0 \u201cDo you know how much I paid for that fabric?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo!\u201d Hoss exploded.\u00a0 \u201cBecause you won\u2019t tell<\/em> me how much!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh.\u00a0 Yeah.\u00a0 Well, let\u2019s just say it\u2019d be much better all around if I have the fabric next time I see Pa.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cLittle Joe,\u201d Hoss began, and it was that<\/em> tone, the one that meant he had pushed good ol\u2019 good-natured Hoss as far as he was going to go.<\/p>\n

So it was lucky there was a distraction ready to hand.\u00a0 \u201cHey, there\u2019s another trap door opening!\u201d Joe said, pointing across the rooftop.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat?\u201d Hoss said, turning to look.\u00a0 \u201cThe planks\u2019re still shaking over here on the one we came through.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s gotta be somebody else\u2026\u201d\u00a0 Joe frowned, because didn\u2019t that look a lot like\u2026\u00a0 \u201cWhoever it is has my fabric.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh, you\u2019re kidding,\u201d Hoss groaned.<\/p>\n

He wasn\u2019t, though.\u00a0 That was definitely a bolt of green fabric pushing up through the trap door, and just behind it came, sure enough, the two newspapermen.\u00a0 When they saw the group behind the chimney, they headed this way.<\/p>\n

\u201cI wonder what they\u2019re doing here,\u201d Sam mused.\u00a0 \u201cIf this is still about pursuing their story, I must admit they have more dedication to journalism than I would have anticipated.\u00a0 I applaud them for it.\u201d<\/p>\n

At nearly the same moment there was a crash of lumber from the opposite direction, and Joe glimpsed the original trapdoor pushing open just before he ducked behind the chimney again.\u00a0 The first shot was immediate, and Hoss leaned around one edge of the chimney to fire back.\u00a0 The two newspapermen, still dragging the fabric, scurried across the roof to dive for the same cover as the rest of them behind the chimney.\u00a0 It was getting crowded.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat are you doing up here?\u201d Joe demanded, yanking the fabric out of their grasps to inspect it.\u00a0 The outer layer had picked up some scuffs, but it seemed mostly all right.<\/p>\n

\u201cWe had to get away from those madmen downstairs,\u201d the smaller, ferrety newspaperman said, eyes wide with fright.\u00a0 \u201cWe didn\u2019t know where else to retreat!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDoes this mean you believe we aren\u2019t Confederate spies?\u201d Joe asked.<\/p>\n

\u201cWell \u2013 we believe you\u2019re the less hostile ones,\u201d Tall One said.\u00a0 He had his gun out, pointing at nothing in particular, and his hand was still shaking.\u00a0 A bullet hit the corner of the chimney nearby and he flinched.<\/p>\n

\u201cOh, just\u2014here, give me that,\u201d Joe said, snatched the gun out of his hand, and leaned around the chimney at the opposite corner from Hoss to fire back.<\/p>\n

\u201cJoe, this ain\u2019t gonna work for long,\u201d Hoss hollered across the heads of the rest of the group.\u00a0 \u201cWe ain\u2019t got enough bullets to keep this going.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThey\u2019ve fired more shots than we have.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYeah, but don\u2019t they seem like just the sort to be wearing ammunition belts?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYeah, probably.\u201d\u00a0 Joe frowned.\u00a0 \u201cWe still<\/em> don\u2019t know why they\u2019re shooting at us.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cMight be the paper I got from some woman out front,\u201d Hoss said, and every other head turned to stare at him.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat paper?\u201d Joe asked carefully, as another bullet thudded into the brick of the chimney.<\/p>\n

\u201cI dunno, some strange woman handed me a paper,\u201d Hoss said, fumbling in his vest pocket to pull it out.<\/p>\n

Hoss handed the paper to Sam Clemens, who unfolded it and held it where everyone \u2013 they were all crowded pretty tight here \u2013 could see.\u00a0 The paper was covered with closely-written numbers and letters, utterly incomprehensible.\u00a0 It couldn\u2019t have been more obviously a coded message if it had been labeled that way.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou really are Confederate spies!\u201d Ferrety said in tones of wonder.<\/p>\n

\u201cNo, dadburnit,\u201d Hoss scowled, \u201cI said<\/em>, I got it by accident!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBut the Slade brothers may be Confederate spies,\u201d Sam said thoughtfully.<\/p>\n

\u201cLast we heard, they were<\/em> in Texas,\u201d Joe contributed.\u00a0 He shook his head.\u00a0 \u201cBut none of this is getting us out of here.\u00a0 If we try to break for another trap door, they\u2019ll shoot us, but if we stay here we\u2019ll run out of bullets.\u00a0 And then<\/em> they\u2019ll shoot us.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI could try and cover you while you make for the door,\u201d Hoss suggested.<\/p>\n

\u201cThey\u2019re too quick on the trigger,\u201d Joe said.\u00a0 \u201cWe\u2019d never make it.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI dunno, maybe.\u00a0 Let\u2019s see.\u201d\u00a0 Hoss reached a long arm past Sam Clemens and the two newspapermen and snatched Joe\u2019s hat off his head.<\/p>\n

\u201cHey, what are you going to\u2014\u201d Joe started, as Hoss held the black hat out beyond the edge of the chimney.<\/p>\n

It took at most a half-second before another bullet fired.\u00a0 Hoss drew the hat back and handed it to Joe.\u00a0 \u201cYou may be right that they\u2019re too fast,\u201d he acknowledged.<\/p>\n

Joe moaned, looking at the bullet hole right through his hat.\u00a0 \u201cAw, Hoss!\u00a0 I already<\/em> spent a fortune on fabric, and now I have to buy a new hat too!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cJust how much did<\/em> you\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo, on second thought, you<\/em> have to buy me a new hat!\u00a0 You\u2019re the one who got mine shot!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAll right, all right, I\u2019ll find you a new hat.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cMaybe a lighter-colored one,\u201d Joe mused.\u00a0 \u201cThat might go better with the jacket.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cExcuse me,\u201d Sam interrupted, \u201cis any of this leading us to a solution about how to get out of this predicament?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cRight, he\u2019s right, we still need an answer,\u201d Joe said, looking around.\u00a0 There was nothing close enough, not the roof\u2019s edge or another trap door.\u00a0 No other opening to get them off this roof\u2026<\/p>\n

And then it occurred to him.\u00a0 They\u2019d still need some covering fire to make it, but it was right here<\/em>, the fastest option for getting away.<\/p>\n

\u201cThe chimney,\u201d he said triumphantly.<\/p>\n

\u201cLittle Joe, no<\/em>,\u201d Hoss groaned.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s the only way, Hoss!\u00a0 We go down the chimney, we get out at whatever fireplace it leads to\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI ain\u2019t St. Nicholas!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSuppose there\u2019s a fire in the fireplace below?\u201d Sam pointed out.<\/p>\n

\u201cWe\u2019ll have to risk it,\u201d Joe insisted.\u00a0 \u201cBig building like this, probably has interconnected chimneys.\u00a0 We\u2019ll find a way\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n

Hoss was shaking his head.\u00a0 \u201cWe\u2019re gonna get lost, I\u2019m<\/em> gonna get stuck in some narrow passage, you\u2019re<\/em> gonna get soot all over your new jacket you\u2019re so pleased about\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh, you\u2019re right, that is a problem,\u201d Joe said, briefly stymied.\u00a0 The jacket would probably wash, though\u2026\u00a0 \u201cWell, what if we\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHands up where we can see them!\u201d<\/p>\n

That<\/em> voice didn\u2019t sound like the Slade brothers who, Joe suddenly realized, hadn\u2019t fired again since the shot at his hat.<\/p>\n

He took a cautious look around the edge of the chimney, and saw to his surprise that the Slade brothers were standing on the rooftop, hands raised and furious expressions on their faces.\u00a0 Three other men had come up out of the trapdoor behind them, rifles trained on them.\u00a0 When he looked around, he counted another four men, popped up out of other trapdoors around the roof.<\/p>\n

\u201cHuh,\u201d Joe said, and raised his hands.\u00a0 \u201cWho do you reckon?\u00a0 Union spies?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI think we\u2019re about to find out,\u201d Hoss said, setting down his gun and lifting his hands too.<\/p>\n

Pretty soon everyone had been herded together near the center of the roof \u2013 Joe and Hoss, Sam Clemens, the two newspapermen, and the Slade brothers too.\u00a0 The apparent leader of the new element approached, and lifted a very shiny badge.<\/p>\n

\u201cI am a federal marshal,\u201d he announced, \u201cin pursuit of Confederate spies.\u201d<\/p>\n

There was a moment\u2019s lingering silence.<\/p>\n

Then the ferrety newspaperman said, \u201cOh, dear.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ve got a bad feeling this one\u2019s real,\u201d Joe sighed.<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd Pa ain\u2019t going to like this at all,\u201d Hoss muttered.<\/p>\n

\u201cGentlemen, I\u2019m relieved to see you,\u201d Big Jack Slade rumbled.\u00a0 \u201cMy brother and I have been pursuing Confederate spies who stole our identities.\u00a0 You see, we\u2019re ranchers from the Ponderosa in Nevada.\u201d<\/p>\n

10.<\/em><\/p>\n

As a general rule, Hoss tried to look on the bright side of things, to take the most charitable view of everyone he met, and to really believe that people were doing the best they could and that most situations weren\u2019t all bad.<\/p>\n

About the best he could come up with on the positive side here was that they\u2019d been put in a separate cell from the Slade brothers.<\/p>\n

The federal marshals, the real ones, had hauled everyone off the rooftop and back to the nearest jail.\u00a0 And now they were all in a row of cells \u2013 the Slade brothers, the Cartwrights and Sam Clemens, and the newspapermen.\u00a0 Though it would have been a whole lot better if the federal marshals had been clear on all those identities.<\/p>\n

Johnson, the top man among the marshals, was pacing back and forth in front of the row of cells, frowning at all of them like they were all surely equally at fault for this difficult situation.\u00a0 \u201cPerhaps we should take this again from the beginning.\u201d<\/p>\n

A groan from Little Joe, standing by the bars, and Hoss pulled his hat down a little farther where he was slumped sitting on a bench at the back of their cell, next to Sam.\u00a0 Ol\u2019 Sam had pulled a notebook out of some pocket and had been making notes ever since they got in here.<\/p>\n

\u201cWe saw those two confess to being Confederate spies,\u201d the smaller newspaperman piped up immediately, pointing at Hoss and Joe.<\/p>\n

\u201cDo you have to keep saying<\/em> that?\u201d Joe demanded, glaring at the newspapermen.<\/p>\n

The smaller one scowled at him.\u00a0 \u201cYou\u2019re<\/em> the one who told them we were impersonating federal marshals!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBecause you were<\/em>!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd we\u2019re just telling them what we saw too.\u201d\u00a0 The newspapermen had been very eager to tell everything, ever since they realized that impersonating federal marshals was a crime, and things might go easier if they provided valuable information.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou did not<\/em> see us confess to being spies, you saw me flirting!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThose seem like very strange things to confuse,\u201d Johnson observed.<\/p>\n

Joe\u2019s face screwed up, eyebrows bunching together.\u00a0 \u201cAll I did was tell the saloon girls I was from New Orleans.\u00a0 It\u2019s a bit, all right?\u00a0 It doesn\u2019t work<\/em>, but I try it sometimes.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd then, out on the street,\u201d the newspaperman jumped in again, \u201cyou said you work for Jefferson Davis!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI was joking<\/em>!\u201d\u00a0 Joe shook his head, and pointed at the two Slade brothers.\u00a0 \u201cLook, you\u2019ve been tracking the Slade brothers, right?\u201d he demanded of Johnson.\u00a0 \u201cCan\u2019t you see that that\u2019s them<\/em>?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, it\u2019s not so simple,\u201d Johnson said slowly.\u00a0 \u201cThis isn\u2019t the kind of thing we want to make a mistake on.\u00a0 We trailed them from a distance only, you see.\u00a0 And you can observe for yourself that there\u2019s a stunning resemblance.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThat must be why they decided to pretend to be us,\u201d Big Jack Slade rumbled.\u00a0 \u201cUs being the Cartwrights, you know.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThey have Texan accents<\/em>,\u201d Joe said with a wild gesture of one hand.\u00a0 \u201cAnd beards!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBeards can be shaved \u2013 or false ones taken off,\u201d Johnson countered.\u00a0 \u201cHow can I say the Cartwrights aren\u2019t bearded?\u00a0 And as for the accent \u2013 well, that does point to them as Confederates, yes.\u00a0 But you\u2014<\/em>\u201d\u00a0 And here he pointed to Hoss.\u00a0 \u201c\u2014were the one carrying an obviously coded message.\u201d<\/p>\n

Hoss heaved a sigh.\u00a0 \u201cI done told you already, I got that by mistake.\u00a0 A pretty gal gave it to me outside the Opera House.\u00a0 She must\u2019ve thought I was Big Jack Slade, which I ain\u2019t<\/em>.\u201d<\/p>\n

From his raised eyebrows, Johnson obviously found this a very implausible story.\u00a0 \u201cYes, but you can\u2019t tell us anything else about the woman?\u00a0 You didn\u2019t ask any questions when she handed you a mysterious paper?\u201d<\/p>\n

Hoss shrugged awkwardly.\u00a0 \u201cI tried, but\u2014it all happened real fast, you see?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHoss gets tongue-tied around pretty women,\u201d Joe contributed.\u00a0 \u201cIf it was me<\/em>, I\u2019d\u2019ve found out her name and why she was passing me a paper and whether she was married and what her plans were for dinner tomorrow, but\u2026it wasn\u2019t me.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou were the one carrying a bolt of fabric around the Barbary coast, though,\u201d Johnson observed.<\/p>\n

\u201cObviously hiding secret messages!\u201d the newspaperman jumped in again.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s just fabric<\/em>,\u201d Joe groaned.\u00a0 \u201cFor patches.\u00a0 For my new jacket.\u201d<\/p>\n

Everyone, from the Slade brothers to the newspapermen to the federal marshal, stared at him.<\/p>\n

\u201cNo one,\u201d Johnson said slowly, \u201cneeds that much fabric for patches.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI got rooked by a tailor, all right?\u201d Joe snapped.\u00a0 He dragged his hands through his hair.\u00a0 \u201cLook\u2014what if we sent a telegram back to Virginia City\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat good will that do?\u201d Hoss interjected.\u00a0 \u201cSo they confirm that the Cartwrights came to San Francisco.\u00a0 That doesn\u2019t prove if it was us or them.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh.\u00a0 Right.\u201d\u00a0 Joe frowned, and Hoss did sympathize with the problem.\u00a0 Generally sending a telegram was<\/em> the thing to do when wrongly arrested.\u00a0 It left them a bit at loose ends that it wouldn\u2019t work now.<\/p>\n

\u201cPerhaps we could<\/em> telegraph Ben Cartwright of the Ponderosa,\u201d Johnson said, tapping his chin with one finger.\u00a0 \u201cAsk him to come out to San Francisco to identify his sons.\u00a0 It would take a few days, but surely he would know who is who.\u201d<\/p>\n

Hoss felt queasy at the idea, and he knew Joe did too by the moan.\u00a0 \u201cYou can\u2019t drag Pa all the way out here,\u201d Joe said.\u00a0 \u201cHe\u2019d have our hides for that for sure.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHe might identify us as Confederate spies, just to teach us a lesson,\u201d Hoss muttered.<\/p>\n

\u201cAw, Pa wouldn\u2019t do that,\u201d Joe protested.\u00a0 \u201cAdam, maybe, but not Pa.\u201d<\/p>\n

Johnson pounced.\u00a0 \u201cThen your own father knows<\/em> you\u2019re Confederate spies?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cTo teach us a lesson<\/em>, I said,\u201d Hoss said hurriedly.\u00a0 \u201cWe aren\u2019t really!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cGentlemen,\u201d Sam Clemens spoke up suddenly, closing his notebook and standing up, \u201cI may have an idea to solve our little problem here.\u00a0 It appears to me that what you need is someone to confirm your identity \u2013 to distinguish between the Slades and the Cartwrights.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd if you\u2019d just take Sam\u2019s word for it,\u201d Joe said, \u201cwe could clear this all up!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBut I am too well established as a teller of tall tales,\u201d Sam continued, \u201cmaking me not the most reliable of witnesses.\u00a0 We need someone else.\u00a0 Now, I further understand that the confusion really comes in quite late in the evening.\u00a0 The federal marshals lost track of the Slade brothers, what, an hour ago?\u00a0 They only caught up again when reports came out of a gunfight at the opera house.\u00a0 And there we have our problem, because all four of you were inside, and the confusion then becomes who was who when you came out again.\u00a0 Correct so far?\u201d<\/p>\n

Johnson frowned.\u00a0 \u201cI can\u2019t tell if you\u2019re trying to tell a story, or to perform some sort of courtroom drama.\u00a0 You know this isn\u2019t a courtroom, right?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh, I\u2019m very clear on that,\u201d Sam said with a lift of his eyebrows.\u00a0 \u201cBut I do<\/em> have the story right so far, yes?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSo far,\u201d Johnson acknowledged.<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd we further know that earlier in the evening, while the Slade brothers were still under observation, Joe Cartwright bought a jacket from a tailor.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd I\u2019ve got the jacket,\u201d Joe jumped in, clutching his lapels in demonstration.\u00a0 \u201cThere, doesn\u2019t that prove something?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHe stole my jacket,\u201d Little Jim Slade said quickly.\u00a0 \u201cYou can\u2019t prove he didn\u2019t!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cActually,\u201d Sam resumed, while Joe glared at the Slades, \u201cI had a different suggestion.\u00a0 You need someone to identify the Cartwrights.\u00a0 Preferably an upstanding businessman of impeccable character.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019re still not talking about you?\u201d Johnson said.<\/p>\n

\u201cNo.\u00a0 But what about the tailor?\u201d<\/p>\n

There was a moment of considering silence.<\/p>\n

\u201cPerhaps,\u201d Johnson said.\u00a0 \u201cDo we know the name of the tailor?\u201d<\/p>\n

All gazes swung around to Little Joe, who gave a slightly sickly smile.<\/p>\n

\u201cHoo boy,\u201d Hoss breathed out.<\/p>\n

\u201cHis name?\u201d Joe repeated.\u00a0 \u201cWell, ah \u2013 no.\u00a0 But I know where his shop was!\u00a0 It was \u2013 let me think, it must\u2019ve been \u2013 I was on North Point Street, so it would be\u2026North Point and Hyde!\u00a0 The corner of North Point and Hyde.\u201d<\/p>\n

He looked around triumphantly, while everyone else looked blank.<\/p>\n

And then a voice from the next room said, \u201cMust\u2019ve been William Brown.\u201d\u00a0 The policeman on duty at the desk out front stuck his head in the doorway back towards the cells.\u00a0 \u201cBrown\u2019s had that tailor shop for years.\u00a0 Impeccable reputation.\u00a0 Contributes to the Policemen\u2019s Fund for Widows and Orphans every year.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThere, you see!\u201d Joe said, as proudly as though this had been his idea.\u00a0 Joe did<\/em> like to take credit for things.\u00a0 \u201cJust the man to identify me.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cLot o\u2019 nonsense,\u201d Little Jim Slade protested.\u00a0 \u201cThis is all some sort o\u2019 trick, ain\u2019t it?\u00a0 And you\u2019ll never find him anyway.\u00a0 It\u2019s the middle of the night by now.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI believe he lives above his shop,\u201d the policeman volunteered.\u00a0 \u201cI could dispatch a man over to bring him right now.\u00a0 Explain that it\u2019s official business, see, and I\u2019m sure he\u2019d oblige.\u201d<\/p>\n

And so, they settled in to wait.<\/p>\n

11.<\/em><\/p>\n

The way things had been going, Joe half-expected the wrong tailor to show up.\u00a0 But no, the man who walked into the jail, as neatly dressed as though he hadn\u2019t been summoned out of his bed, was the same one who\u2019d just as neatly maneuvered him into buying that bolt of fabric.\u00a0 Though the man did<\/em> make a nice jacket.<\/p>\n

\u201cWelcome, Mr. Brown,\u201d Johnson said.\u00a0 \u201cPerhaps you can clear some things up for us here.\u201d<\/p>\n

The tailor gave a polite nod.\u00a0 \u201cI am always happy to assist our city\u2019s fine law enforcement officers.\u201d<\/p>\n

Yeah, probably so they wouldn\u2019t look into his sales practices.<\/p>\n

Brown scanned the jail cells, giving a visible start of surprise on seeing the Slades and<\/em> the Cartwrights.\u00a0 The resemblance was pretty unsettling, and sharing jail space for an hour now hadn\u2019t made it seem less weird.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou remember me, right?\u201d Little Jim Slade said quickly.\u00a0 \u201cI bought that jacket from you, that one he stole!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI<\/em> bought the jacket, the same one I\u2019m still wearing,\u201d Joe snapped.<\/p>\n

\u201cI recognize the jacket, yes,\u201d Brown agreed, and studied Joe thoughtfully.\u00a0 \u201cIt is<\/em> a perfect fit, isn\u2019t it?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cRight, yes, and that\u2019s just what you said when you sold it to me,\u201d Joe agreed, giving his best charming smile.\u00a0 Worked better on women, as a rule, but it couldn\u2019t hurt here.<\/p>\n

\u201cOf course,\u201d Brown said, turning to glance at Little Jim Slade, \u201che appears to be the same size.\u00a0 But you\u2026\u201d\u00a0 He turned his attention to Joe again.\u00a0 \u201cYou may<\/em> be Joe Cartwright.\u00a0 And obviously Joe Cartwright would remember that fine bolt of fabric he also purchased from me\u2026and the second payment he still owes me for it.\u201d<\/p>\n

Second payment?<\/em>\u00a0 Joe stared at the tailor \u2013 and found looking back at him the face of a man who knew he was holding a handful of aces.<\/p>\n

\u201cHoss,\u201d Joe said evenly, \u201cpay the man.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat?\u201d Hoss said blankly.<\/p>\n

\u201cI, Joe Cartwright, of course<\/em> remember that I owe this very discerning, very trustworthy tailor a second payment on the truly valuable fabric he sold me.\u00a0 I find myself rather embarrassed for money, however, so you, as my brother, Hoss Cartwright, would obviously be very happy to pay the man the fifty\u2026?\u201d<\/p>\n

The tailor\u2019s eyes narrowed.<\/p>\n

\u201cExcuse me, the hundred <\/em>and fifty\u2026?\u201d<\/p>\n

That one got a smile.<\/p>\n

\u201c\u2026which I still owe him,\u201d Joe concluded.\u00a0 \u201cNow pay the man.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t believe this,\u201d Hoss muttered, but dug into his pocket for his wallet.\u00a0 \u201cHundred and fifty\u2026bolt of fabric\u2026how we\u2019re ever<\/em> gonna tell Pa\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

Once he had the money in hand, Joe pushed it through the bars at the tailor.\u00a0 \u201cThere you are, and thank you for your excellent service,\u201d he said through gritted teeth.<\/p>\n

\u201cVery good doing business with you,\u201d Brown said, smiling widely.\u00a0 \u201cMr. Johnson, I am quite certain that this is in fact the man I sold that elegant green jacket to, and thus Mr. Cartwright \u2013 leaving those other two your Confederate spies.\u201d<\/p>\n

Big Jack Slade sighed.\u00a0 \u201cAw, dadburn it.\u00a0 It almost worked.\u201d\u00a0 And he sounded so much like Hoss that it was downright spooky.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

As Hoss, Joe and Sam stepped out of the jailhouse, Hoss could practically feel<\/em> the emptiness of his wallet.\u00a0 The lightness there only made worse the heavy load of the green fabric weighing down his shoulder.<\/p>\n

\u201cI must say, gentlemen,\u201d Sam remarked, \u201cthat was certainly the most exciting evening I\u2019ve spent in months.\u00a0 Thank you for bringing me along on your adventure.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHey, any time,\u201d Joe said, playing the gracious host, just as though they\u2019d spent a pleasant evening in a saloon and lost all their money at poker.\u00a0 Which would at least make sense<\/em>.<\/p>\n

\u201cBut not for a long time,\u201d Hoss said sourly.\u00a0 See if he followed along on one of Joe\u2019s wild schemes again after this!<\/p>\n

Well\u2026even in the moment he knew that yeah, he probably would.\u00a0 There was just something about Little Joe, when he got that look in his eye and started spouting something that seemed<\/em> reasonable in the moment, and then kept them running too fast for Hoss to stop, and pick it apart, and realize he was talking a lot of nonsense.\u00a0 And someone had to go along and keep Little Joe from getting himself killed anyhow.<\/p>\n

\u201cI expect,\u201d Sam continued, \u201cI\u2019ll be able to have a drink on the good people of San Francisco in the saloons for months on the strength of this story.\u00a0 People are so apt to buy a round for the table when an enthralling tale is afoot.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cGlad this worked out for your<\/em> wallet,\u201d Hoss muttered.<\/p>\n

\u201cThere\u2019s just one piece of the story I don\u2019t understand,\u201d Joe commented, which was interesting because there were a whole lot of pieces Hoss<\/em> didn\u2019t understand.\u00a0 \u201cHow\u2019d the Slade brothers know about us anyway?\u00a0 They popped up with the claim to be us before we<\/em> did.\u201d<\/p>\n

Sam fidgeted with his collar.\u00a0 \u201cOh, everyone knows about the Cartwrights.\u201d<\/p>\n

Sometimes that seemed to be true.\u00a0 Other times, usually when someone wanted to accuse them of robbery or murder or some such thing, it didn\u2019t.\u00a0 Hoss squinted at Sam suspiciously, because he didn\u2019t think that was all of the story.\u00a0 \u201cYou sure they might\u2019ve just sort of generally heard about us?\u00a0 Like in the news maybe?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, maybe,\u201d Sam acknowledged.\u00a0 \u201cAnd I do possibly tell a few stories of my good friends the Cartwrights in the drinking establishments of the city.\u00a0 You\u2019re part of my regular repertoire, and if the Slade brothers have been spending time in the saloons recently\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

And they did seem the type that would\u2019ve been.\u00a0 But it was hard to get too upset with Sam \u2013 it wasn\u2019t like he\u2019d intended any of this.\u00a0 And it was all more Joe\u2019s fault anyway.\u00a0 \u201cMaybe at least keep us out of your published stories, Sam?\u201d Hoss said.\u00a0 \u201cJust the saloon stories caused enough trouble.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh, certainly, certainly,\u201d Sam said, looking relieved to be let off this easy.\u00a0 \u201cNowhere will Mark Twain write a tale of the Cartwrights.\u00a0 Saloon stories only.\u201d<\/p>\n

Hoss wasn\u2019t sure that solved everything, but Sam had<\/em> come up with the tailor idea that got them out of jail, so he supposed he\u2019d let it go.<\/p>\n

\u201cAw, cheer up, Hoss,\u201d Little Joe said, giving his arm a push.\u00a0 \u201cEverything worked out in the end.\u00a0 The Slade brothers are locked up, we\u2019re in the clear, and the federal marshals thanked us for helping them capture their spies.\u00a0 And<\/em> I got my fabric back!\u201d<\/p>\n

Maybe Hoss would have felt less like wiping the grin off of Little Joe\u2019s face if he hadn\u2019t wound up with that last one.\u00a0 \u201cYeah,\u201d Hoss said, smiling back at him.\u00a0 \u201cBut don\u2019t forget, little brother.\u00a0 You still have to explain it all to Pa.\u201d<\/p>\n

And that<\/em> cleared the smile off of his face right quick.<\/p>\n

12.<\/em><\/p>\n

Joe tried to put the story in the best light he could.\u00a0 He had had years of practice at this, after all, trying to explain things to Pa.\u00a0 He stood by the fireplace next to Hoss, and spun a tale that, he flattered himself, was as artistic and beautifully put together as Mark Twain himself might have come up with.\u00a0 He presented himself and Hoss as innocent victims of circumstance, trying to do the upstanding thing, and ultimately successfully aiding a grateful federal marshal.\u00a0 Pa was<\/em> big on cooperating with federal marshals, after all.\u00a0 In the end, he made the whole interlude involving Confederate spies sound downright heroic.<\/p>\n

There was just one crucial piece of the whole trip he couldn\u2019t talk around quite so easily.\u00a0 The amount of money they had not<\/em> come back with.<\/p>\n

Ben Cartwright paced up and down the living room, stentorian voice raised to echo off the ceiling beams.\u00a0 \u201cTwo young men alone on the Barbary Coast \u2013 I can understand how you might spend too much money on drinks, or lose too much money gambling, or throw too much money at saloon girls.\u201d\u00a0 He wheeled to jab a finger towards Hoss and Joe, both standing guiltily by the fireplace.\u00a0 \u201cI wouldn\u2019t approve<\/em>, but I would understand<\/em>.\u00a0 I don\u2019t<\/em> understand how you spend a small fortune on green corduroy!\u201d\u00a0 The jabbing finger moved to the bolt of fabric resting on the settee, gleaming in the firelight.<\/p>\n

\u201cWeren\u2019t my idea,\u201d Hoss muttered, the traitor.<\/p>\n

Joe didn\u2019t quite understand why the fabric seemed to bother his father this much.\u00a0 Maybe it was the sheer unlikeliness of it.\u00a0 His father was a man who liked to make sense of the world, which sometimes was a challenge when it came to the antics of his younger sons.\u00a0 \u201cBut see, now, that\u2019s a real practical purchase, Pa,\u201d Joe tried.\u00a0 \u201cNot foolish expenses like, ah, saloon girls.\u00a0 See, I bought this jacket \u2013 and ain\u2019t it a nice jacket, Pa?\u00a0 Don\u2019t you think so?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s fine,\u201d Ben said icily.\u00a0 \u201cBut what do you plan to do with dozens of yards of fabric?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, that\u2019s for\u2014well\u2014\u201d\u00a0 Joe gulped.\u00a0 \u201cFor patches.\u201d<\/p>\n

His father stared at him, and out of the corner of his eye he could see Hoss edging another step away.\u00a0 The amused glance oldest brother Adam was giving to the heavens, from his spot behind the settee, didn\u2019t help either.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s, uh, a difficult fabric to match,\u201d Joe managed.\u00a0 \u201cAnd I\u2019m very hard on my clothes, it\u2019s a fact of ranching, you know, Hop Sing complains about it and so\u2026really I was just planning ahead, and, uh\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cPatches<\/em>,\u201d Ben repeated.\u00a0 \u201cYou have enough fabric there for an entire second jacket!\u00a0 For ten<\/em> more jackets!\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe spotted an opening and dove for it.\u00a0 \u201cYou\u2019re right \u2013 you\u2019re right, Pa, and that is a good idea, I\u2019m glad you thought of it!\u00a0 I\u2019ll have more jackets made.\u00a0 Why mess around with patches?\u00a0 Why not plan ahead, have another jacket already ready if anything happens to the first one?\u00a0 Why not have three?\u00a0 Or\u2014ten?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019re planning on wearing the same jacket for the next twelve years?\u201d Ben asked icily.<\/p>\n

\u201cWell\u2014that\u2019s just it, not the same<\/em> one \u2013 because I\u2019ll have lots of them!\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam spoke up with something useful finally, to remark, \u201cLeta Malvet has a nice little tailoring business going these days.\u00a0 She could do the job.\u00a0 Probably appreciate the work.\u201d<\/p>\n

Leta Malvet was real pretty too.\u00a0 Joe could see some definite advantages in taking his business to her, not that it would help to mention those advantages to his father.\u00a0 \u201cThere, you see, Pa!\u00a0 I can give some business to a local woman trying to better herself in the world.\u00a0 It\u2019s practically a good deed, and\u2014and real practical too.\u201d<\/p>\n

His father just stared at him for a moment, then turned to Hoss.\u00a0 \u201cI can\u2019t see why you didn\u2019t stop him from making the fool purchase to begin with.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI wasn\u2019t even there,\u201d Hoss protested.\u00a0 \u201cI was\u2014waitin\u2019 in the saloon\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

Now Pa was rolling his eyes to the heavens.\u00a0 \u201cI don\u2019t know why I ever let the two of you off the Ponderosa together.\u201d\u00a0 He turned and stomped off to the front door, letting it slam closed behind him.<\/p>\n

Joe let out a breath.\u00a0 That was probably the worst of it over.<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, that could have been worse,\u201d Adam remarked, then with a glint in his eye said, \u201cDidn\u2019t I warn you about the Barbary Coast?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou didn\u2019t warn me about Barbary Coast tailor shops<\/em>,\u201d Joe countered, shoved the bolt of fabric over and flopped onto the settee.<\/p>\n

His oldest brother just chuckled, then followed their father out the front door.\u00a0 Hoss let out a big sigh and sat down heavily in the opposite corner of the settee, bolt of fabric between them.<\/p>\n

Joe frowned moodily at the fireplace.\u00a0 \u201cYou get the feeling we\u2019re starting to get a bad reputation?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHow d\u2019you figure?\u201d Hoss asked.<\/p>\n

\u201cOh, Pa seems to think we get into trouble every time we go somewhere together.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWell\u2026\u201d Hoss said slowly, \u201cwe got mistaken for the Slade brothers before, in that feuding town in Texas.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThat wasn\u2019t our fault!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd you nearly got hitched to that little Spanish senorita when we went to Mexico.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAlso not my fault,\u201d Joe said automatically, considered, winced, and amended, \u201cWell, mostly not my fault.\u00a0 And anyway, I didn\u2019t <\/em>end up married to her, so it was all right.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd there was the time all we did was go to the carnival and your girl got abducted\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWe rescued her, didn\u2019t we?\u00a0 And that was Jennifer\u2019s own fault anyway!\u201d Joe insisted.\u00a0 \u201cWe\u2019re just\u2014victims of circumstances!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYeah,\u201d Hoss said.\u00a0 \u201cSure.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWell\u2014we\u2019ll just have to do better in the future,\u201d Joe said firmly.\u00a0 \u201cWe\u2019ll be extra careful and responsible, and think twice every time, and\u2014we\u2019ll pretend Adam\u2019s with us, that\u2019ll keep us out of trouble for sure.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYeah,\u201d Hoss said again, and they both stared into the flames of the fireplace for a moment.\u00a0 \u201cYou think that\u2019s gonna work?\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe sighed.\u00a0 \u201cNot a chance.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYeah,\u201d Hoss repeated, and they went back to staring at the fireplace.\u00a0 \u201cYou know,\u201d he said after a moment, \u201cit really is a nice jacket.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou think so?\u201d Joe said, holding up his arms to inspect the sleeves.<\/p>\n

\u201cReally is.\u00a0 Brings out yer eyes, like you said.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThanks, big brother.\u00a0 I appreciate that.\u201d<\/p>\n

The End<\/em><\/p>\n

Author’s Notes: For those who enjoy knowing episode references\u2026Joe has a fairly inexplicable French accent and references New Orleans quite a lot in the first episode of the series, \u201cA Rose for Lotta;\u201d likely this was a case of the character still being defined, but I like to imagine it was an odd phase Joe was going through.\u00a0 The Cartwrights first met Sam Clemens\/Mark Twain in the Season 1 episode, \u201cEnter Mark Twain.\u201d\u00a0 Hoss and Joe robbed a bank (with the best of motives!) in \u201cThe Bank Run.\u201d\u00a0 The Slade brothers first appeared in \u201cThe Gunmen.\u201d Major Cayley launched a balloon in \u201cThe Dream Riders.\u201d \u00a0Leta Malvet appears in \u201cThe Outcast.\u201d \u00a0Joe nearly married a Spanish senorita in \u201cEl Toro Grande\u201d and went to the carnival in \u201cThe Abduction.\u201d The photo at the top comes from \u201cThe Many Faces of Gideon Flinch,\u201d one of the great hijinks episodes.<\/em><\/p>\n

<\/div>\n

<\/g><\/svg><\/i> \"Loading\"<\/p>\n

<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Summary: On a trip to San Francisco with Hoss, Joe buys himself a new jacket \u2013 and, inexplicably, a giant bolt of green fabric. This purchase launches the boys into an evening of chaos and hijinks involving mistaken identities, Confederate spies, and old friend Mark Twain.
\nRating: G | Word Count: 19,382<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":12522,"featured_media":56849,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"template-full-width-post.php","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1092,4],"tags":[1306],"class_list":["post-56846","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-hoss-joe","category-humor","tag-enter-mark-twain","wpcat-1092-id","wpcat-4-id"],"a3_pvc":{"activated":true,"total_views":506,"today_views":0},"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/05\/S03.07_Many-Faces-of-Gideon-Flinch-2.5.png?fit=1585%2C1189&ssl=1","jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":3743,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=3743","url_meta":{"origin":56846,"position":0},"title":"Huckleberry Friends (by Sue)","author":"Sue","date":"April 26, 2014","format":false,"excerpt":"Summary: This is my take on what might have happened if Mark Twain had revisited the Ponderosa seeking inspiration. 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