{"id":570,"date":"2014-04-17T22:51:38","date_gmt":"2014-04-18T02:51:38","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=570"},"modified":"2025-02-18T19:13:30","modified_gmt":"2025-02-19T00:13:30","slug":"through-a-glass-darkly","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=570","title":{"rendered":"Through a Glass, Darkly (by Karen)"},"content":{"rendered":"

Summary: \u00a0<\/span>The Cartwrights\u00a0look after\u00a0a couple of children for a while. \u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Rated:<\/span>\u00a0T (10,015 word)<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u00a0Through a Glass, darkly<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

by Karen<\/span><\/p>\n

*****<\/span><\/p>\n

When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things.\u00a0 For now we see through a glass, darkly, but then face to face..\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 1 Corinthians 11-12<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

I didn\u2019t want to go, and neither did Cy.\u00a0 We told our Pa, but he wouldn\u2019t listen.\u00a0 He had to make that trip back east, and with Ma dead he needed some place for us to stay.\u00a0 It seemed only natural that he\u2019d ask his old friend Ben Cartwright to help him out.\u00a0 I figured, being sixteen and all, that I was more\u2019n man enough to stay at our spread.\u00a0 I\u2019d take care of the chores.\u00a0 Cy\u2019s fourteen now, and he could have helped out too.\u00a0 But Pa wouldn\u2019t hear of it, and so we got packed off to the Ponderosa.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cBen\u2019s a good man, and he\u2019s raised three fine boys,\u201d Pa said.\u00a0 \u201cHe\u2019ll take good care of you, and I want you to listen to him.\u00a0 If he says jump, you ask how high, ya hear me?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Of course, Cy nodded his fool head off, but I stood and didn\u2019t say a word.\u00a0 Pa caught on to that right quick, though.\u00a0 He turned those steely gray eyes on me, and said, \u201cDid you hear me, Billy?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Then I had to say yes, because the last thing Pa needed was to worry about us at a time like this.\u00a0 With Grandpa dying back in Philadelphia, and his business needing to be settled up, Pa was just about frantic.\u00a0 But, I sure didn\u2019t want to go stay at the biggest spread in Nevada with Ben Cartwright and his three grown sons.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

I\u2019ve known them all my life; it\u2019s not like they\u2019re strangers and all.\u00a0 Seen \u2018em at church every Sunday, and at all the picnics and town socials. Even been to the ranch a time or two, for some gathering or another.\u00a0 I’ve seen Joe Cartwright squiring as many of the pretty ladies around town as he could, and Adam giving him a run for his money with the rest of \u2018em.\u00a0 The big one, Hoss, was friendly enough, I guess.\u00a0 He came over and doctored up that prize bull calf that Pa set such store by, and wouldn\u2019t take a penny of Pa\u2019s money, even though Pa begged him too.\u00a0 But he sat right down at the table and ate the best part of the pie that Mrs. Johnson had just pulled out of the oven.\u00a0 Pa kept offering him another piece, and he just kept taking it.\u00a0 Wasn\u2019t much left over for us, I can tell you.\u00a0 We figured we’d be liable to starve out there at that ranch, if we had to sit down at the table with Hoss every night.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

So, there we were, standing with our battered old suitcase in the middle of the Ponderosa great room, staring at the biggest fireplace I ever saw in my life, and old Ben Cartwright was smiling at us, the biggest smile you\u2019ve ever seen.\u00a0 Even Adam got up to smile and shake hands, just like Cy and me was all grown up.\u00a0 Hop Sing said something about boys, and brought out a plate of the best cookies I ever tasted.\u00a0 Since Hoss wasn\u2019t home at the time, Cy and me got to eat as many as we could, and that was quite a few, I must say.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Mr. Cartwright told us that Hoss and Joe were down at the corral.\u00a0 He said Joe was breaking some broncs for the Army and Hoss had gone to lend a hand, and they\u2019d be home in time for supper.\u00a0 He showed us up to our room and told us to get settled and then disappeared.\u00a0 I looked at Cy, and Cy looked at me, and I know he was trying not to cry.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWhere do you think Pa is now?\u201d he asked sort of soft.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

I was about to make some smart answer, because we both knew that Pa was probably still on the trail to Virginia City, but I saw that Cy was trying hard to hold back those tears, so I didn\u2019t.\u00a0 \u201cI suppose he\u2019s riding to town,\u201d I said.\u00a0 \u201cWe\u2019ll be okay, Cy.\u00a0 The Cartwrights are nice people, even if they are awfully old.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYeah.\u201d\u00a0 Cy\u2019s face was glum.\u00a0 \u201cI don\u2019t suppose they know much about kids around here.\u00a0 What are we going to do all day, Billy?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

“Go to school, just like always.\u00a0 And then we’ll figure something out.\u00a0 You stick by me,” I said.\u00a0 “I’ll make sure it’s okay.”<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Cy nodded and swallowed.\u00a0 I saw him brace his shoulders and try to act like a tough man, but it was hard for him.\u00a0 He’d been just a little guy when Ma died, and he’d always kinda looked to me to lead the way.\u00a0 So we went back down the stairs and wandered outside.\u00a0 Mr. Cartwright said he’d call us for supper, and that we needed to spy out the lay of the land.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

In the corral next to the barn were some of the prettiest horses I’ve ever seen.\u00a0 I\u2019d heard that Joe was trying to build up the horse end of the ranch, and when he wasn’t in town chasing the ladies he was doing a fine job of it.\u00a0 At least that’s what Mrs. Johnson said, when she came over to cook and clean for us.\u00a0 Mrs. Johnson loves to gossip, and it was from her that we got most of our information about the Cartwrights.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

There was this one big stallion, prancing and pawing and dancing around that corral.\u00a0 He was the finest piece of horseflesh I’ve ever laid eyes on.\u00a0 I’d always wanted to have a horse like that.\u00a0 I couldn’t help myself.\u00a0 I slipped over the fence and was heading for that horse without even thinking.\u00a0 I was almost right up to him, my hand out, talking real low, when I heard a shout behind me.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

I jumped and so did the horse.\u00a0 He took off for the other end of the corral, and I swung around to see Joe Cartwright standing behind me, and boy was he mad.\u00a0 His hands were on his hips and his eyes were blazing green sparks.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

“What do you think you’re doing in here?” he demanded.\u00a0 “Can’t you see that horse hasn’t been broken yet?\u00a0 You could’ve been killed.”<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

He reached out and grabbed my arm and hustled me out of the corral, scolding me and muttering the whole way.\u00a0 When I saw that he was dragging me back into the house, though, I dug in my heels.\u00a0 Cy was trailing along with his face as white as a sheet. When I stopped and pulled against Joe’s arm, Cy’s face got whiter still. I thought he was going to pass out then and there.\u00a0 I shrugged loose, and glared back at Joe.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

“I can walk by myself. You don’t have to drag me,” I yelled furiously.\u00a0 Joe was making me look like a baby and I hated that.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe kind of looked at me funny, like he recognized something about me, but he let go.\u00a0 “Billy, right?” he asked.\u00a0 People always had a hard time telling Cy and me apart, even though we’re almost two years different in age.\u00a0 “I’m sorry if I scared you, but you scared me even worse.\u00a0 I thought Lightning was going to kill you.\u00a0 He’s a tough one, and I haven’t had a chance to work with him much.”<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

It looked like that was as close to an apology as he was going to give, so I nodded.\u00a0 “I didn’t mean to scare you, Joe.\u00a0 He’s so pretty, and I just wanted to touch him.\u00a0 I would have been fine.”<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The fire died out of his eyes, and I saw him kind of laugh a little.\u00a0 “I know just what you mean.\u00a0 He’s one fine horse, I’ll admit.\u00a0 I’ve been wanting to do just what you did ever since we got him.”\u00a0 He put out his hand, like he wanted to shake.\u00a0 “I’ll make a deal with you.\u00a0 After I get him broken, I’ll let you take him out for a ride.”<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

I stared at him with my mouth hanging wide open.\u00a0 I forgot to take his hand in my excitement, and after a minute he dropped it down to his side.\u00a0 “Do you mean it?” I asked in disbelief.\u00a0 “You’d let me ride him?”<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

“Remember I said after he was broken, and not a moment before,” he said with a crooked smile on his face.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Now Joe must have been about 23, and that’s real old, but right then, he looked like he wasn’t too much older’n me.\u00a0 I held out my hand to him, ashamed that I hadn’t taken his when he offered it to me.\u00a0 “Thanks, Joe, it’s a deal.”<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe grabbed my hand and shook it firmly.\u00a0 “But you stay away from him until then, you hear?”<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

It was all I could do to nod my head, I was so excited.\u00a0 He opened the door and ushered us inside.\u00a0 I saw Hoss over by the fireplace and he nodded hello.\u00a0 Adam looked up from a big, thick book that he was reading and smiled, and Mr. Cartwright called a greeting from where he sat at his big desk.\u00a0 It seemed right homey, and I forgot all about being homesick.\u00a0 I caught a glimpse of Cy and could see that he was feeling the same way.\u00a0 Of course it helped that we could smell something good cooking in the kitchen.\u00a0 My stomach growled like thunder on the mountain, as Pa says, and everyone laughed.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

“You boys must be mighty hungry,” Hoss said kindly, a twinkle in his blue eye.\u00a0 “I know the feelin’ pretty well.\u00a0 Now, Old Hop Sing don’t take too kindly to boys messing in his kitchen, so to tide you over, how ’bout one of these apples?”<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

He pointed to a big bowl of fruit on the square table in front of the fire.\u00a0 I was mighty hungry, just like he said, and I quickly scooped up an apple.\u00a0 Cy was feeling shy, I could tell, but he took an apple too.\u00a0 We sat side by side on the settee, and just watched the show.\u00a0 I say show because that’s what it seemed like to me.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Hoss and Joe kept on teasing and joking with each other.\u00a0 They would pretend to fight and wrestle, until I thought they’d break something for sure.\u00a0 They must have known just how far to take it, though, because every time I thought that they\u2019d gone too far, they’d stop.\u00a0 Maybe it was because every now and then, Mr. Cartwright would clear his throat.\u00a0 He did it just when things got wild, and even though I never saw Hoss or Joe look in his direction, if that throat cleared they stopped their fooling, at least for a few minutes.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Adam just sat and read, paying them no attention at all.\u00a0 He’s the quiet, serious Cartwright, according to Mrs. Johnson.\u00a0 At that time, he must have been about 35.\u00a0 He dressed all in black, and looked like a gunslinger, but he’d been to college back east, and had a real diploma and everything.\u00a0 I thought he was lost in his book, but once I caught him looking at his brothers, and if I didn’t know any better, I’d have said there was a bit of a tear in his eye. \u00a0He looked real sad for just a moment, and then it was gone, and he was back at his book, so I thought I must have imagined it all.\u00a0 It was about then that Hop Sing called us all to supper and we headed for the table.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

My worries about starving to death at the Ponderosa disappeared when I saw the food piled on the table.\u00a0 Hop Sing had cooked enough for twice our number.\u00a0 That table almost groaned under its weight.\u00a0 We bowed our heads, and Mr. Cartwright said grace, and then we tucked into supper.\u00a0 Hoss ate enough for two men, while the rest of us tried our best to keep up with him.\u00a0 And still the joking and the teasing continued.\u00a0 Now that Adam wasn’t buried in a book, he joined in with the rest of them.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Cy and I kept looking at each other when we thought no one else was looking.\u00a0 I’d never seen grown men act that way, and I’m sure he hadn’t either.\u00a0 The folks in town were always talking about the Cartwrights, saying that if you fought one you fought ’em all, but I hadn’t believed it until then.\u00a0 They were teasing and tormenting and picking on one another all night, but the love at that table was real.\u00a0 I felt my stomach clench up a little, because it made me miss Pa that much more.\u00a0 Sitting there with the Cartwrights made me want my own family around me.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

I felt a warm hand on my shoulder just then.\u00a0 When I looked up, Mr. Cartwright was standing over me, a twinkle in his eye.\u00a0 “Your Pa will be back just as soon as he can, Billy,” was all he said, but I felt the knot in my stomach loosen.\u00a0 I don’t know how he knew, but his eyes made me feel warm all over.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

I nodded my thanks and then we were all leaving the table.\u00a0 After a couple of games of checkers, Cy and I headed for bed.\u00a0 We talked over the day and agreed that the Cartwrights were different than we’d expected, but that staying with them wouldn’t be as bad as we had thought.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

I tossed and turned long after Cy was snoring softly in the next bed, thinking about Pa.\u00a0 I missed him so badly right then, and I knew that I wasn\u2019t going to be sleeping much.\u00a0 Sometimes when I\u2019m fretting over something a walk helps to settle me down, so I decided to creep down the stairs and slip outside. I didn\u2019t want to wake anyone, so I didn\u2019t put on my boots.\u00a0 I just pulled my pants on over my nightshirt and headed for the top of the stairs at a tiptoe.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The murmur of voices down below me stopped me dead in my tracks.\u00a0 Someone was up talking, and I cursed silently over my lost walk.\u00a0 I crept to the head of the stairs and peeked over.\u00a0 I saw Adam talking over something pretty serious with his father.\u00a0 I knew it was serious because Mr. Cartwright\u2019s face looked like it was set in stone.\u00a0 His eyes weren\u2019t twinkling now; it looked more like he wanted to cry, just like me earlier.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Adam sat on the edge of the big square table that sits in front of the fire, while Mr. Cartwright sat in a chair beside him.\u00a0 I caught the words, \u201cBack east\u201d and \u201cClipper Ship\u201d and I could tell that something was going on.\u00a0 I thought it might have something to do with my Pa, since he\u2019d headed back east, so I stayed around to listen a bit more.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

I didn\u2019t catch much, only bits and pieces, but it sounded like Adam wanted to take a trip east and his father was trying to talk him out of going.\u00a0 From the way Adam\u2019s jaw was set, I knew that no matter what Mr. Cartwright said to him, there\u2019d be no persuading him to stick around the Ponderosa.\u00a0 I had heard in town that Adam was getting restless, but I hadn\u2019t paid much attention.\u00a0 He was so much older than me, I figured it wouldn\u2019t matter to me, one way or another.\u00a0 Stay or go, what Adam Cartwright did wouldn\u2019t affect me in the slightest.\u00a0 At least that\u2019s what I used to think.\u00a0 But now, looking at Adam\u2019s tight jaw and tense face, and Mr. Cartwright\u2019s bent head, the unshed tears in his eyes, I knew that it did matter to me.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The Cartwrights were a family that loved each other whole-heartedly and they didn\u2019t care who knew it.\u00a0 To see Adam deliberately causing such pain in his father was a hard thing to watch.\u00a0 There are some families that wouldn\u2019t mind seeing a son go away for a long spell, but this wasn\u2019t one of them.\u00a0 I wanted to shout at Adam to stop it, and I wanted to put my arms around Mr. Cartwright and tell him that it was going to be all right.\u00a0\u00a0 But I couldn\u2019t do either, because this was a private conversation and I wasn\u2019t even supposed to be there.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The two men kept talking and talking, and I guessed that Mr. Cartwright was pleading with Adam not to go.\u00a0 Adam kept shaking his head, and he had reason after reason why he should be allowed to pack up and leave.\u00a0 Things looked like they were getting pretty ugly, and I didn\u2019t know what to do.\u00a0 Suddenly, Adam turned on his heel and stalked across the room to the door.\u00a0 He looked back at his Pa and said something that sticks with me to this day.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cThis is something I\u2019ve got to do, Pa, and there\u2019s nothing you can do to stop me.\u00a0 I\u2019m a grown man, and I\u2019ve given a lot of years to this family and this ranch.\u00a0 It\u2019s time for me to follow my dreams now, but I don\u2019t want to part on bad terms.\u00a0 Please, Pa.\u00a0 Think about this and give me your blessing.\u00a0 Don\u2019t make this harder than it has to be.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

And with that he was gone.\u00a0 Out the door before Mr. Cartwright could even move.\u00a0 He didn\u2019t slam it, not smooth, sophisticated Adam.\u00a0 He closed it gently and disappeared into the night.\u00a0 It wasn\u2019t too long before I heard the sound of hoofbeats, and I knew he was riding off for who knows where.\u00a0 I turned back to look at Mr. Cartwright, and he was sitting right where Adam had left him.\u00a0 For a moment I wished I hadn\u2019t looked.\u00a0 I felt like I was seeing a dead man.\u00a0 His face was white, and tears streamed down his cheeks.\u00a0 When Cy and I first got there, I\u2019d thought Mr. Cartwright looked pretty young, for an old man.\u00a0 Now he just looked old.\u00a0 Old and beaten.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

I knew I\u2019d just seen something I wasn\u2019t supposed to, so I crept back along the hallway and slipped into bed.\u00a0 I thought about Adam leaving until my eyes couldn\u2019t stay open anymore.\u00a0 My last thought as I slid off to sleep was about how I didn\u2019t understand why he\u2019d give up something like this.\u00a0 A home, a family who loved him, it seemed like the best life a man could want.\u00a0 Why did he want to go?\u00a0 I figured I\u2019d do some more thinking on it, but I slept instead.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

We went to school in the morning, just the same as we always did, only this time, we rode Cartwright horses.\u00a0 The day passed quickly, and we found ourselves eager to get back to the Ponderosa.\u00a0 Some of the kids were teasing us about living with the \u201crich folks\u201d, but Cy and me didn\u2019t pay them any mind.\u00a0 For all their money, the Cartwrights were decent folks, and I didn\u2019t want to say anything bad about them.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

As we rode along the trail, Cy and I talked about what I had overheard the night before.\u00a0 Cy didn\u2019t seem to understand what I was so upset about, but then he hadn\u2019t seen the look on Mr. Cartwright\u2019s face after Adam stormed out of the house.\u00a0 I\u2019d noticed that Adam wasn\u2019t at the table for breakfast, and his Pa had a faraway look in his eye while we were eating.\u00a0 A couple of times, Joe or Hoss asked him a question and he didn\u2019t answer, and I could see that they were starting to figure something was wrong.\u00a0 I knew they were just waiting till Cy and I got out of the house to start talking about it.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWhy would Adam want to leave anyway?\u201d Cy asked me, his face all screwed up in a grimace.\u00a0 \u201cHe\u2019s got a big house, lots of food, a fine horse, and good clothes.\u00a0 Isn\u2019t that all a man could ask for?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

I tried to see it from Adam\u2019s point of view.\u00a0 \u201cWell, maybe he just wants to see more of the world than what we\u2019ve got here,\u201d I said slowly.\u00a0 \u201cHe left here once before, to go to school, and maybe that does something to a man.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWell, ya wouldn\u2019t catch me leaving a place like the Ponderosa,\u201d Cy maintained.\u00a0 And then he changed the subject, like he was tired of thinking on it.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

He talked about Pa and what he was doing, and where he\u2019d likely be.\u00a0 I let him ramble on and on without saying much because I was still trying to get my mind around the problem of Adam and the why.\u00a0 That was the part I couldn\u2019t figure out, why he would want to leave.\u00a0 I didn\u2019t get to a reasonable answer, and before I got too far we were back at the Ponderosa.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

When we rode into the yard, I could see Joe was in the corral with the big stallion, Lightning, and Cy and me went to sit on the fence and watch.\u00a0 Hoss was already perched up there, shouting encouragement to his brother.\u00a0 Joe had the horse all saddled up and he was singing to him real low and easy.\u00a0 Joe did have a way with horses, that was plain to see.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

He had two of the ranch hands holding the horse steady and then he eased himself into the saddle, light as a feather.\u00a0 Now, Joe Cartwright isn\u2019t a big man; in fact, at that time he wasn\u2019t much taller\u2019n me and I\u2019d still got some growing to do, Pa said.\u00a0 But that horse acted like someone had just dumped the biggest load in the world on his back.\u00a0 He started bucking and jumping and twisting around so fast it made my head spin.\u00a0 The ranch hands had backed out of the way fast, and we all watched Joe hang on for dear life.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

He sat real easy in the saddle and rode out the twists and turns, like I said, real easy.\u00a0 It was pretty to watch.\u00a0 He looked like he was part of the horse.\u00a0 But then, Lightning went up and he went down, and the next thing we knew Joe was on the ground, lying kind of dazed like.\u00a0 The hands grabbed the horse and pulled him to a stop, and the stallion stood there sweating and blowing like a steam engine.\u00a0 Hoss jumped off the fence and ran to Joe faster than I ever seen a big man like that move before.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

It took a minute, but then Joe sat up, holding his hand to his head and moaning a little.\u00a0 But he laughed, too, which made me feel a bit easier.\u00a0 It must have made Hoss feel a bit easier, too, because he kind of blew out a deep breath and hugged his brother tight for a minute.\u00a0 Then Joe giggled that funny, high-pitched laugh of his and slugged Hoss\u2019s shoulder and the two of them were laughing fit to be tied.\u00a0 Cy and I just stood and stared, and I didn\u2019t know what to think.\u00a0 It looked to me like Joe had almost gotten himself killed by that big stallion, but maybe I was wrong.\u00a0 I know Cy thought so too, because he had that white-faced look on him again.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

I thought Joe would head back for the house after that, but he didn\u2019t.\u00a0 He just called for the hands to bring that horse back around and he climbed right back up on it.\u00a0 He held on a bit longer this time, too.\u00a0 And the next time, he rode the horse to a standstill.\u00a0 I\u2019ve never met a man as stubborn as Joe Cartwright. He was going to have that horse trained to a saddle if he died trying.\u00a0 It made me think that I\u2019d like to work with horses when I get older.\u00a0 I decided that I was going to talk Pa into letting me start with some at our place.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Right about the time Joe had the stallion eating from his hand, I noticed that someone else had been watching him.\u00a0 I caught a look at Adam. He\u2019d been standing in the shadows at the far end of the corral, not talking to anybody, just watching Joe and the horse.\u00a0 He had that look on his face again, like his heart was breaking, and it made me want to cry.\u00a0 But men of sixteen don\u2019t do things like that, so I scrubbed my sleeve across my eyes real hard to stop the tears from coming.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

I knew now that Adam was thinking about leaving, and so I guess that seeing his brother almost killed like that must have given him some second thoughts.\u00a0 It gave him some kind of thoughts, that\u2019s for sure.\u00a0 He just kept staring and staring at Joe, like if he took his eyes off him, Joe might disappear.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

A big clanging started up by the house just then, and we all trooped up for supper.\u00a0 Hop Sing had loaded up the table again, and I couldn\u2019t help but wonder if the Cartwrights ate like this every night.\u00a0 If they did, I was surprised they weren\u2019t all as big as Hoss.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Supper was different this night.\u00a0 Joe and Hoss weren\u2019t clowning, and Adam didn\u2019t say a word.\u00a0 Mr. Cartwright asked Cy and me about school, but then he didn\u2019t say much either.\u00a0 I could feel the tension in the room.\u00a0 It felt so thick you could cut it with a knife.\u00a0 I knew Mr. Cartwright must have talked about Adam\u2019s leaving with Hoss and Joe and I could see that they weren\u2019t too pleased with the idea either.\u00a0 Hoss looked a little sad, but Joe was angry.\u00a0 His eyes crackled, just like they\u2019d done when I tried to touch Lightning.\u00a0 He didn\u2019t say anything to Adam at all; he just kept shooting these looks at him.\u00a0 I was surprised that Adam didn\u2019t burst into flames, right then and there.\u00a0 He must have been used to Joe\u2019s temper, because he went right on ignoring everyone at the table.\u00a0 It wasn\u2019t a very comfortable meal, and after supper Cy and me excused ourselves and went up to our room.\u00a0 I could see that the Cartwrights needed some time to talk, and I didn\u2019t want to be in the way.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Once we got up to our room, Cy turned to me with big, wide eyes.\u00a0 \u201cWhat\u2019s going on, Billy?\u201d he asked immediately.\u00a0 \u201cWhy\u2019d you hustle me up here so fast.\u00a0 I\u2019m not ready for bed yet.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYou can be so thick sometimes,\u201d I told him.\u00a0 \u201cCan\u2019t you see the Cartwrights need to talk?\u00a0 And they weren\u2019t going to do it with us sitting in the room.\u201d\u00a0 I moved to the door and eased it open.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

I was right.\u00a0 I could already hear the murmur of voices, and someone didn\u2019t sound happy.\u00a0 In fact, it wasn\u2019t a murmur that I heard but a muffled shout.\u00a0 I looked back at Cy, who was sitting on the edge of the bed, confusion and misery evident in his eyes.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019m going to go listen to what they\u2019re saying,\u201d I said.\u00a0 \u201cYou stay here, if you want.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Cy was shocked, and he didn\u2019t try to hide it.\u00a0 \u201cYou can\u2019t do that.\u00a0 It\u2019s spying!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

He grabbed my arm and tried to shove me down on the bed, but I\u2019m bigger\u2019n he is, and I shook him off pretty easily.\u00a0 \u201cI just want to listen.\u00a0 They\u2019re too wrapped up in what\u2019s happening to notice me,\u201d I said, trying to calm him down.\u00a0 \u201cIt\u2019ll be fine.\u00a0 You stay here, and then you won\u2019t be in trouble if I\u2019m caught.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

I left Cy looking like he was going to cry, and I crept along the hallway until I was back to the spot at the top of the stairs that couldn\u2019t be seen from the room below.\u00a0 I could hear almost everything that was going on, but was afraid to peek.\u00a0 I didn\u2019t want anyone seeing me.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The first thing I heard was Joe\u2019s voice, probably because he was the one doing the shouting.\u00a0 From the sound of the boots thumping across the floor, I could tell he was pacing around while he yelled.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWhy, Adam?\u00a0 Tell me why?\u00a0 You don\u2019t love us anymore?\u00a0 The Ponderosa isn\u2019t good enough for you?\u00a0 Just tell me why?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe\u2019s voice had risen to a high note and I risked peeking around the corner of the hallway to see him.\u00a0 He had stopped right in front of Adam, his hands were back on those hips of his, and he was staring into Adam\u2019s eyes.\u00a0 I thought that maybe Adam would yell back at him, or hit him, or something, but Adam just stood there and took it.\u00a0 He looked tired, and he put one hand on Joe\u2019s shoulder.\u00a0 Joe shook him off and dared him to try it again, all with that glint in his eye that I\u2019d seen when I tried to touch Lightning.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

I saw Adam\u2019s arm rise up, and then he seemed to think better of the notion, because he dropped it again.\u00a0 \u201cOf course I still love you Joe.\u201d \u00a0It was the voice of a man talking to a child, and I realized that maybe that was how Adam still saw Joe.\u00a0 \u201cI always thought I\u2019d go back east when you were grown up and didn\u2019t need me around anymore.\u00a0 I feel like that time\u2019s come.\u00a0 I want to see the world a bit, before I settle down for good.\u00a0 You can understand that, can\u2019t you?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

I watched as Joe hung his head, and I thought for a minute he was going to give in and agree.\u00a0 But as I was learning quickly, Joe could be quick-tempered and more than a little hard headed.\u00a0 He flung his shoulders back, and his head came up and he glared up into Adam\u2019s eyes.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019ll never understand it, Adam, not even when I\u2019m old and gray.\u00a0 You go right ahead and desert the Ponderosa.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

He didn\u2019t say the words, \u2018and<\/em>\u00a0me<\/em>\u2019 but we all heard them anyway.\u00a0 He stomped over to the door and flung it open, but before he left, he called back, \u201cAnd once you leave, brother, don\u2019t bother to come back.\u201d\u00a0 Then he was gone, and unlike Adam earlier, he did slam the door, and mighty hard too.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Even from where I sat above the stairs I could hear Adam\u2019s sigh.\u00a0 I watched as he turned back to his other brother.\u00a0 I caught a glimpse of his eyes when he did, and they almost tore the heart right out of me.\u00a0 They were full of pleading and had a sort of wistful kind of hope, too.\u00a0 \u201cWhat about you, Hoss?\u00a0 You haven\u2019t said anything yet.\u201d\u00a0 Adam\u2019s deep voice sounded quiet, so that I could barely hear him.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Now, even in the short time I\u2019d been at the Ponderosa, I could tell that big old Hoss had the kindest heart of any man I\u2019d ever met.\u00a0 I just knew that he\u2019d say something to make Adam feel better.\u00a0 I rose to my knees and silently begged Hoss to make it all right for Adam.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Hoss got up from where he\u2019d been sitting on the edge of the fireplace.\u00a0 I think this whole time he\u2019d had his head in his hands, but I can\u2019t be sure, because I\u2019d been concentrating so hard on what Joe was saying.\u00a0 But now Hoss got up and moved closer to Adam.\u00a0 The thumbs of his big hands were through his belt loops, and I could see the tears just streaming down that big face.\u00a0 I\u2019d never seen anyone with a broken heart before, but I could tell that Hoss Cartwright\u2019s heart was broken that night.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWell, Adam, I wish ya luck in whatever ya do, you know that.\u201d\u00a0 I could tell that Hoss was having a hard time getting the words out and I leaned closer to hear.\u00a0 \u201cBut I cain\u2019t say that I\u2019m glad you\u2019re goin\u2019, and I cain\u2019t even say that I\u2019m happy for ya.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Hoss crossed the room, but he didn\u2019t go near Adam.\u00a0 It took all my strength to keep from shouting at him to stop, to talk to his brother, but I didn\u2019t and he kept going, till he was at the door too.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019ll be going to find Joe, Pa.\u00a0 We\u2019ll be in later.\u201d\u00a0 He didn\u2019t slam the door, but if anything, the soft sound it made when he shut it was worse than any slam could have been.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The silence in the room just kept getting bigger and bigger until I wanted to run down the stairs screaming to stop it.\u00a0 But I just sat where I was, hugging my knees and watching, afraid to move now, because if I did they\u2019d hear me.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

I saw Adam walk across the room slowly, like a man who\u2019s been gut-shot.\u00a0 He stood looking down at Mr. Cartwright who had been sitting silently this whole time.\u00a0 He looked like one of those wood carvings on the front of a ship, his face was so still.\u00a0 The silence stretched on so long, I found myself counting the ticking of the clock.\u00a0 Suddenly, Adam knelt down and grabbed his father\u2019s arm.\u00a0 \u201cPa?\u00a0 Say something.\u201d\u00a0 It sounded like he was begging.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

From my perch on the stairs, I saw Mr. Cartwright stand up, and his knuckles were so white with tension I could see them glow in the dim lamplight.\u00a0 \u201cI don\u2019t have anything to say, son.\u00a0 I think you need to make your decision without any interference from me.\u201d\u00a0 He turned away from Adam then, and I flinched, because it looked like he was going to catch me on the stairs.\u00a0 But his eyes stared past me without seeing, and I could tell he was blind with pain.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019ll wish you a good night, son.\u00a0 Get some rest, and we\u2019ll talk in the morning.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

With that he was climbing the stairs, and I dodged back so quickly I bumped my shin on the doorframe and had to bite back a cry of pain.\u00a0 I barely got into the room and clicked the door shut before I heard his footsteps pass by.\u00a0 I stood with my back to the door, breathing hard.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cBilly, what\u2019s going on?\u201d Cy\u2019s voice was shrill, and I rushed across the room to put my finger on his lips.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cShh, keep it quiet!\u201d I ordered him in a fierce whisper.\u00a0 \u201cI can\u2019t talk about it right now.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

I tried to make myself believe that I couldn\u2019t talk because someone would hear us, but I knew it was because I was so caught up in what was happening that my stomach hurt.\u00a0 Even without looking, I knew that Adam was down by the fireplace in mortal pain.\u00a0 I also knew that his father and brothers shared that pain, and now I did too.\u00a0 I hadn\u2019t meant to get so caught up in the lives of the Cartwrights when Pa dropped us off, but somehow I had.\u00a0 I wanted Adam to stay so bad it made my teeth hurt, but I couldn\u2019t tell you why.\u00a0 I just knew that this family needed him, and I didn\u2019t understand why he couldn\u2019t see that.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

I stumbled across the room and turned down the wick of the lamp.\u00a0 I muttered good night to Cy and climbed into bed and turned my face to the wall.\u00a0 I spent a long time that night hoping that Cy couldn\u2019t hear my tears.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The next week passed by in a blur.\u00a0 It seemed that we all moved through the days without thinking or feeling anything.\u00a0 I didn\u2019t see much of Adam; he seemed to be keeping clear of the house and all the people in it.\u00a0 I don\u2019t know what time Hoss and Joe came back that night, although I\u2019m sure it was very late.\u00a0 I heard them come up the stairs, and I heard the deep rumble of Hoss\u2019s voice as he comforted Joe in the hallway.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

At breakfast the next morning, no one spoke of what had happened the night before.\u00a0 Mr. Cartwright was kind to Cy and me, and asked about our lessons at school.\u00a0 We answered him as best we could, to make up for the fact that Joe and Hoss weren\u2019t saying much.\u00a0 I kept sneaking looks at Adam\u2019s empty chair at the table, and figured that it was a sight that people were going to have to get used to at the Ponderosa.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Cy and me went to school, Joe and Hoss did their work around the ranch, and Adam stayed away from home.\u00a0 We knew he was there somewhere, because his chores were done, but he didn\u2019t come to meals and he slept somewhere else.\u00a0 I guess he was off thinking things through somewhere.\u00a0 I know he sure had everyone in that house thinking as well, and it wasn\u2019t easy for any of them.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

We had a wire from Pa telling us that he\u2019d almost settled Grandpa\u2019s business affairs and that he\u2019d be home soon.\u00a0 I found myself wanting him to stay in Philadelphia longer, because I\u2019d gotten so caught up in what was happening with the Cartwrights.\u00a0 Cy couldn\u2019t wait for Pa to come back. I know he felt the unhappiness in the big house and it scared him.\u00a0 I know he cried some at night, too, because I could hear him, even though I pretended not to notice.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

I think it was the end of the second week of our stay when things finally came to a head.\u00a0 Adam showed up at the house one day and started to pack up his things.\u00a0 Hoss and Joe came in from their chores and heard the noise in his room, and then all hell broke loose.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWere you even going to say goodbye?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

I heard Joe\u2019s yell all the way in my own room.\u00a0 It\u2019s funny though, he didn\u2019t sound angry, he sounded hurt.\u00a0 Me, I\u2019d have been as mad as hell if Cy just packed up and left.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cOf course I was going to say goodbye, Joe.\u00a0 Don\u2019t you know me better than that?\u201d\u00a0 Adam\u2019s voice was rough and husky, like he\u2019d been drinking, or crying.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Leaving Cy sitting doing his homework at the desk, I snuck out of my room and down the hall, until I was just outside Adam\u2019s door. I had this feeling that I could have stood bold-faced in the doorway and those boys wouldn\u2019t have seen me.\u00a0 I could see Adam throwing things willy-nilly into his carpet bag and Hoss leaning against the wall as if he couldn\u2019t stand up straight any more.\u00a0 But it was Joe I could see best, and to this day I wish I hadn\u2019t.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

He was standing in front of Adam, as if he could keep him from leaving by just blocking his brother\u2019s path to his clothes.\u00a0 It was the look on his face that stays with me though.\u00a0 Joe\u2019s face was white and strained, with tight lines around his mouth, and his eyes showed pain like I\u2019ve never seen before and hope to never see again.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWhy, Adam, why do you have to leave us?\u00a0 Why isn\u2019t this life good enough for you?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

I cringed at the pleading I heard in Joe\u2019s voice, because I\u2019d never heard a grown man talk like that before.\u00a0 But Joe didn\u2019t really sound like a grown man just then, he sounded like Cy had when he\u2019d lost his pet kitten.\u00a0 I think he\u2019d been about four or five then, and it had broken my heart to tell him that the kitten wasn\u2019t coming back, just like Ma.\u00a0 In fact, just then, Joe reminded me a lot of Cy; he seemed younger, more lost.\u00a0 Adam must have seen it too, because his face got kind of soft, and his eyes got misty.\u00a0 He stopped packing and just reached for Joe.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s not that life isn\u2019t good enough here, Joe.\u00a0 It\u2019s that there\u2019s so much more to it out there that I want to see.\u00a0 Can\u2019t you understand that?\u00a0 I\u2019m not running away from you, I\u2019m running toward a life I\u2019ve always wanted to live.\u00a0 Please, little brother, try to see how I feel.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

I think I gasped, but I don\u2019t really remember.\u00a0 But I know I saw Adam Cartwright crying!\u00a0 I never thought a man so silent and strong could cry, and I felt the tears run down my own cheeks too.\u00a0 \u2018Don\u2019t go, Adam,\u2019 I thought, \u2018he still needs you.\u2019<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Of course, Adam couldn\u2019t hear me, but I don\u2019t think he really needed to.\u00a0 He knew that Joe needed him.\u00a0 It was obvious that leaving was breaking his heart as much as it was breaking Joe\u2019s.\u00a0 But he was being driven.\u00a0 He probably didn\u2019t even know by what.\u00a0 I like to watch people, and I\u2019ve seen it before. I\u2019ve seen men look like that, just before they took a big risk on a new mine shaft, or before they bought their first piece of land.\u00a0 I suddenly realized that Adam couldn\u2019t help himself.\u00a0 He knew what he was doing to his family, and it was hurting him too, but he just couldn\u2019t help himself.\u00a0 His dreams had gotten so big, so real to him, that he just had to go and make them true.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe must have seen it too, because he let out a moan like he\u2019d been punched.\u00a0 \u201cDo you really have to go, Adam?\u201d he whispered so softly that I almost couldn\u2019t make the words out.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

I watched with big eyes as Adam pulled Joe into his arms and gave him the biggest hug I\u2019ve ever seen.\u00a0 For a minute, I didn\u2019t think he\u2019d ever let his little brother go.\u00a0 But I don\u2019t think Joe would have minded that.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYes, I have to.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Four simple words.\u00a0 That\u2019s what it all came down to in the end.\u00a0 Four words that tore apart one of the closest families I\u2019d ever seen.\u00a0 He had to.\u00a0 Adam didn\u2019t think he had a choice.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Hoss moved into the picture right about then.\u00a0 He put his arms around both of his brothers at once and just about squeezed the breath out of them.\u00a0 That made Joe laugh even though he was still crying.\u00a0 It made me feel just a bit jealous to see the three of them standing there like that.\u00a0 I mean, Cy and me, we\u2019re real close, but we don\u2019t act anything like those Cartwrights.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

It took every bit of my strength to tear myself away from that doorway, but I knew that if I didn\u2019t move soon, someone would see me standing there, and I didn\u2019t want to get caught spying.\u00a0 I tiptoed back down the hallway to my room and shut the door.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Cy took one look at the tears streaming down my face and he started to cry too.\u00a0 Silly kid, crying without knowing why.\u00a0 \u201cBilly, what\u2019s going on?\u201d he screamed at me.\u00a0 \u201cIs it Pa?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

I hushed him up as best I could, and remembering what I had just seen, I reached out and hugged him hard.\u00a0 He kind of pulled away from me a little, because I can\u2019t remember the last time we had hugged.\u00a0 But I kept holding him, and in a minute he relaxed and hugged me back.\u00a0 \u201cPa\u2019s okay,\u201d I whispered.\u00a0 \u201cAdam\u2019s leaving.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

I meant to say more, meant to try to explain to Cy what was happening, but I couldn\u2019t.\u00a0 I cried so hard my stomach hurt and I couldn\u2019t talk.\u00a0 And the whole time, I sat on the bed with my nose running and the tears pouring down my face, Cy just sat beside me with his arm around me.\u00a0 When I couldn\u2019t cry any more, I lay down on the bed, and Cy pulled the quilt up over me.\u00a0 I closed my eyes but I didn\u2019t go to sleep like Cy thought I did.\u00a0 What I was doing was thanking God that I had a brother, and praying that we\u2019d always stay together.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

I didn\u2019t think I\u2019d slept, but I woke up from a doze to find Cy still sitting by me on the bed.\u00a0 I must have been asleep about an hour, from the looks of the shadows on the floor.\u00a0 I yawned and stretched, and Cy smiled down at me.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cFeeling better, Billy?\u201d he asked me, with a look of hope on his face.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m not so wrung out, but I\u2019ve felt better,\u201d I managed to say.\u00a0 I tried to sound cheerful, but I think I failed pretty miserably, because Cy kinda drooped a little.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cHop Sing just rang the bell for supper.\u00a0 Are you ready to go eat?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

My stomach churned at the thought of food, but I knew that Cy would stay with me if I didn\u2019t go down, and I didn\u2019t want him to lose out on supper.\u00a0 So I just nodded and told Cy that I needed to wash my face.\u00a0 We went down the stairs together, and I couldn\u2019t help but gasp at the sight of all four Cartwrights waiting for us to start the meal. \u00a0For some reason, I\u2019d thought Adam was going to just ride out and leave without much of a fuss.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

I should have known better by now.\u00a0 Adam knew what his leaving was doing to his whole family, but he wasn\u2019t about to just walk out without a proper farewell for them.\u00a0 We all took our places at the table, and listened as Mr. Cartwright said grace.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Once I saw that everyone was at the table, I\u2019d kind of thought that things would be pretty tense, but once again I found out that I didn\u2019t know the Cartwrights that well.\u00a0 Hoss and Joe must have gotten over their anger and seemed pretty set on making Adam laugh before he went.\u00a0 This wasn’t so easy as it sounds, because Adam seemed to be having trouble with his eyes.\u00a0 They were kind of red, and scratchy looking, and he kept scrubbing at them with the back of his hand.\u00a0 But Joe Cartwright is hard to resist when he sets out to charm somebody, and it wasn\u2019t long before Adam cracked a smile.\u00a0 Even old Mr. Cartwright laughed a couple of times, and the meal was one of the most pleasant we\u2019d had since that first night.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

And then, supper over, we all went to the chairs by the fire, and Adam looked at everyone in general, but no one in particular.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI think I\u2019ll ride into town tonight, and stay at the hotel.\u00a0 That way I\u2019ll be ready when the stage leaves in the morning.\u00a0 I don\u2019t want to take a chance at missing it.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

He spoke casually, but everyone in the room gasped.\u00a0 I saw Mr. Cartwright sit back in his chair with a thump, and every bit of color drained right out of Joe\u2019s face.\u00a0 It was Mr. Cartwright who spoke first, neither of the others could, and Cy and me weren\u2019t really involved in this at all.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cTonight, Adam?\u201d\u00a0 It seemed to be all he could do to force those two words out, and Adam frowned slightly.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m sorry, Pa.\u00a0 I think it\u2019s for the best.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

He didn\u2019t say much more than that; I guess he felt like all the arguing had been done already.\u00a0 I could tell he didn\u2019t want the good-byes drawn out more than they had to be, so I walked toward him with my hand out.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Everyone looked at me in surprise.\u00a0 I think they\u2019d all forgotten that Cy and me were there.\u00a0 \u201cI wish you a safe journey, Adam,\u201d I said, more to break the tension than anything else.\u00a0 I had to swallow hard so\u2019s I could finish up without embarrassing myself.\u00a0 \u201cIt\u2019s been real swell knowing you these past couple of weeks.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Adam looked down at me gratefully, and his dark eyes seemed gentle.\u00a0 \u201cThanks, Billy.\u00a0 It\u2019s been nice knowing you, too.\u201d\u00a0 He shook my hand just like I was a grown man, and he gave it an extra squeeze.\u00a0 I could see he really was pleased that I\u2019d done something to make his leaving seem like a normal thing for everyone.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Cy always was one for following me, so he came up real quick and shook Adam\u2019s hand too.\u00a0 And then, I grabbed him and dragged him up the stairs, because I knew the Cartwrights needed this time alone together.\u00a0 Cy knew better\u2019n to put up a fuss this time.\u00a0 I guess he was getting used to me dragging him away from the Cartwrights\u2019 family scenes.\u00a0 We both stopped at the head of the stairs, and we both crouched down to where we could see them without them seeing us.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

They were still all standing where we\u2019d left them, but as we stopped to watch, Hoss was the first to move.\u00a0 He crossed the room to Adam in two big steps, and even though Adam is a tall man, Hoss is even taller, so when he put his arms around his big brother, Adam almost disappeared.\u00a0 \u201cYa promise to write, Adam?\u00a0 And send us fancy things from all those places yer going?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

I could see the relief in Adam\u2019s grin from where I sat.\u00a0 \u201cOf course I\u2019ll write, Hoss.\u00a0 I\u2019ll try to get letters to you as often as possible.\u00a0 And you won\u2019t be able to find room for all the things I\u2019ll send you.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Hoss let out a huge bellow of laughter and clapped Adam on the back.\u00a0 I almost laughed too, when I saw Adam stagger from Hoss\u2019s slap.\u00a0 I stuffed my hands over my mouth to keep the giggles from escaping, and out of the corner of my eye I saw Cy doing the same.\u00a0 It just looked so funny, because Adam is always so dignified, but there was no way anyone could look dignified after Hoss Cartwright slapped \u2018em on the back.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

I was amazed at how well Hoss was taking Adam\u2019s leaving, but when he turned away, I sucked in my breath.\u00a0 His face was streaked with tears, and his blue eyes looked bleak and tired.\u00a0 But he took care that no one saw him, and it wasn\u2019t long before he\u2019d scrubbed the tears away from his eyes.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

I\u2019d been so busy watching Hoss that I hadn\u2019t noticed Mr. Cartwright walking over to Adam.\u00a0 But suddenly, he was there.\u00a0 \u201cYou take good care of yourself, son.\u00a0 Make sure Grandpa Stoddard watches out for you.\u201d\u00a0 He held Adam tightly, and couldn\u2019t seem to make himself let go.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Adam made no move to break the embrace either. He seemed content to let his father take his time over his goodbye.\u00a0 It seemed like hours before Mr. Cartwright dropped his hold on Adam\u2019s shoulders and stepped away from him.\u00a0 He turned away for a moment and then swung back with determination written all over his face.\u00a0 \u201cYour home will always be here, Adam.\u00a0 You are welcome to come back anytime, you know that, don\u2019t you?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

I saw Adam\u2019s face crumple a little at that.\u00a0 He tried to speak and couldn\u2019t, cleared his throat and tried again.\u00a0 \u201cThanks, Pa.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Everyone turned to look at Joe, who was still standing by the fireplace.\u00a0 The silence stretched out, going on and on and on.\u00a0 But Joe stood rooted to the spot, and he didn\u2019t move, didn\u2019t look at Adam, didn\u2019t do anything but stand with his fists clenched and his eyes staring at the floor.\u00a0 Even from where I sat at the top of the stairs, I could see his whole body tremble.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Just when I thought I was going to scream to break the tension, Adam spoke.\u00a0 His voice was so soft I almost didn\u2019t hear what he said.\u00a0 \u201cGoodbye, Joe.\u201d\u00a0 When he got no response, he turned to go, walking over to the door where his carpetbag sat near the sideboard.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

His hand was on the doorknob when there was a whirl of motion, and Joe shot across the room.\u00a0 He threw himself at Adam, and was met by Adam\u2019s waiting arms.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cDon\u2019t go.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

I heard Joe say it plain as day, and I saw Adam\u2019s face go white with pain.\u00a0 \u201cI have to go, Joe.\u00a0 It\u2019s time.\u00a0 Let\u2019s just say goodbye.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe raised his head at that, and his face was red with crying.\u00a0 \u201cPlease, Adam, I\u2019ll beg, I\u2019ll get down on my knees if I have to, but please, don\u2019t go.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

I stared at Joe amazed.\u00a0 Even in the short time I\u2019d been at the Ponderosa I\u2019d seen what a proud man he was.\u00a0 He didn\u2019t knuckle under to anyone.\u00a0 I could tell he meant it about begging on his knees, and I could tell Adam knew it too.\u00a0 He took Joe\u2019s chin in his hand, and he raised up Joe\u2019s face, so he could look into those green eyes.\u00a0 \u201cNo begging, Joe.\u00a0 I\u2019d stay if I could, but it\u2019s killing me.\u00a0 It\u2019s killing my spirit and my will to live.\u00a0 I\u2019ve got to go, if only for a little while.\u00a0 I can\u2019t live my life here anymore, always wondering what it would have been like if I\u2019d only been brave enough to go.\u00a0 Let me go, Joe.\u00a0 Please.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

I couldn\u2019t see Joe\u2019s eyes anymore.\u00a0 I couldn\u2019t really see anything anymore, because I was crying so hard.\u00a0 I knew then that Adam would stay if Joe begged him to, and Joe knew it too.\u00a0 He held the power in his hands to control Adam\u2019s life.\u00a0 I have never admired Joe Cartwright more than I did that night, when I heard him say,\u00a0 \u201cThen go, Adam, but promise me one thing.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

I looked up in time to see the hope rising in Adam\u2019s face.\u00a0 \u201cAnything, Joe.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

I think it was only two words that Joe said, although time has blurred my memory a little.\u00a0 \u201cCome home.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Adam shut his eyes, and I could see the relief that swept through him.\u00a0 He was going, and he was going without taking along the packload of guilt he might have.\u00a0 \u201cI promise.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

We all watched as he hugged Joe fiercely, then he let his little brother go, and I saw his eyes sweep around the room as if he was trying to memorize what it looked like.\u00a0 And then he was gone, shutting the door behind him quietly, as always.\u00a0 Behind him, the room was silent.\u00a0 I shivered briefly, because it felt like the silence of a tomb.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

I couldn\u2019t stand it anymore, and with a moan, I pulled Cy to his feet and dragged him to our room and shut the door.\u00a0 I turned out the lamp as we got into bed, and I used the darkness to hide the storm of emotion that swept over me.\u00a0 I felt like I\u2019d just seen a murder committed, and I didn\u2019t know what else to do.\u00a0 At long last, I slept.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The telegram came from Pa.\u00a0 His business was finally finished and he was on his way home.\u00a0 We\u2019d see him in a week.\u00a0 Of course I wanted to see Pa, and of course, I was happy at the thought of him coming home.\u00a0 But, somehow, I had become totally enthralled by life at the Ponderosa and the people who lived there.\u00a0 I didn\u2019t want to leave them behind.\u00a0 The firestorm of emotion that had ripped through the family during our visit had marked me for life.\u00a0 I felt like my father had dropped off a boy, but was returning home to claim a man.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

I was sitting on the edge of the corral watching Lightning prance and paw his way around the enclosure, when I felt someone climb up on the fence beside me.\u00a0 I thought it was Cy, so I didn\u2019t bother to turn my head.\u00a0 I was so surprised to hear Joe\u2019s voice, I almost fell off the fence.\u00a0 I had thought he was out riding the fence line checking for damage.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI owe you a ride on him.\u201d\u00a0 Joe\u2019s voice was casual, and I turned to see him gazing at Lightning.\u00a0 I had a funny feeling that he wasn\u2019t really seeing the horse, though.\u00a0 Joe\u2019s mind often seemed somewhere else these days.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cAw, it\u2019s all right,\u201d I said.\u00a0 I was dying to ride Lightning, but I figured that Joe had been through enough in the last few weeks that he didn\u2019t need one more thing to worry about.\u00a0 So I tried hard to hide how much I wanted to be on that beautiful horse, riding free as a bird across the pasture.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWant to do it now?\u201d\u00a0 Again, Joe spoke almost absently, and I struggled hard to figure out what he really wanted me to say.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cS-s-sure,\u201d I managed to stammer out.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019d like that more than anything in the world.\u201d Inwardly I cursed myself for sounding like a kid.\u00a0 More than anything I wanted the Cartwrights to see me as the man I felt I\u2019d become.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe hopped down off the fence and made a move to turn toward the barn.\u00a0 I hopped down right beside him and grabbed his arm.\u00a0 \u201cJoe, wait.\u201d\u00a0 I knew I had to say it then, or I\u2019d wonder about it all my life.\u00a0 \u201cWhy, Joe?\u00a0 Why did you do it?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Those green eyes looked at me, and I saw that they were no longer so young and carefree as they\u2019d been.\u00a0 I think Joe had done some growing up too, those weeks I\u2019d been at the Ponderosa.\u00a0 \u201cWhy did I offer to let you ride, Lightning?\u201d he asked, deliberately misunderstanding me.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

I shook my head stubbornly. \u00a0\u201cThat\u2019s not what I mean.\u201d\u00a0 I took a deep breath, determined to force the question out.\u00a0 \u201cWhy did you let him go?\u00a0 He wouldn\u2019t have gone if you\u2019d just said the word, and I know that you wanted him to stay.\u00a0 So why?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

He stood still for so long that I thought he wasn\u2019t going to answer me.\u00a0 I had to remind myself to breathe because I\u2019d scared myself so badly just asking the question.\u00a0 At last he looked down at me and smiled.\u00a0 There was something so sad and lonely in that smile that I felt the tears try to start again, and I had to bite my lip to keep them away.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI knew that if I asked him to stay, he would\u2019ve.\u00a0 You\u2019re right about that.\u00a0 But I also knew that if he stayed, we would have lost the Adam we love so much anyway.\u00a0 I couldn\u2019t bear to hold him back, just because I was too selfish to let him go.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

His sad smile faded and was replaced by a look that was so desolate that I felt a chill go all the way to the marrow of my bones.\u00a0 \u201cDo you understand, Billy?\u00a0 It was better to sacrifice my own happiness for his sake.\u00a0 That’s what brothers do.\u00a0 I hope I\u2019ll learn to live with it someday.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

I nodded.\u00a0 I knew what he was saying.\u00a0 Deep in my heart I knew that I\u2019d do anything for Cy, so why wouldn\u2019t Joe feel the same about Adam?\u00a0 I had a feeling that wherever he was right now, Adam knew also, and understood what Joe had done for him.\u00a0 I hoped he\u2019d be grateful, and I also hoped he\u2019d remember his last promise.\u00a0 I pasted a shaky smile on my face, and nodded again.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cThanks, Joe.\u00a0 Can I ride Lightning now?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

We walked to the barn together, both moving forward, but both remembering what had passed.\u00a0 Neither of us would ever be the same.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The End<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Disclaimer:\u00a0All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

<\/div>\n

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<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Summary: \u00a0The Cartwrights\u00a0look after\u00a0a couple of children for a while. \u00a0<\/p>\n

Rated:\u00a0T (10,015 word)<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":39,"featured_media":379,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"template-full-width-post.php","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[23],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-570","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-drama","wpcat-23-id"],"a3_pvc":{"activated":true,"total_views":1426,"today_views":1},"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/02\/bonanza.jpg?fit=295%2C295&ssl=1","jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":15530,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=15530","url_meta":{"origin":570,"position":0},"title":"Cooking with Steamy Julia (by Robin)","author":"profrobinw","date":"December 4, 2003","format":false,"excerpt":"Summary:\u00a0 Cooking isn't the only thing happening in the kitchen, and elsewhere. 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