Summary: When Joe tries to break a black stallion he learns that he should’ve listened to his Pa as the cost proves to be too high..<\/p>\n
Rating T\u00a0 WC 11,120<\/p>\n
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Memoir<\/strong><\/p>\n I was never good at writing, never wanted to be.\u00a0 That\u2019s more to the liking of my oldest brother Adam.\u00a0 But, this idea to put on paper what I am thinking and feeling came from someone that I have known all my life, so I decided to do it.\u00a0 It\u2019s doubtful I will ever show anyone what I have written here in this journal anyhow.\u00a0 Doctor Martin suggested that if I wrote how I felt about everything that maybe I would be able to accept what is going on in my life.\u00a0 Accept?\u00a0 That\u2019s a word someone offers you who has no clue about how you are thinking since they have never been in your shoes.\u00a0 I sometimes wonder if anyone knows how angry I feel right now, and if they do well then why do they keep asking me to express myself?\u00a0 I think they want some grand display of emotion where I yell and scream and talk about how unfair life has been to me.\u00a0 But, I\u2019ve already done that.\u00a0 A year ago, when this all happened, I ranted and raved and gave them such a performance they should remember!\u00a0 Of course back then, though I was mad, I still had the hope that everything would work out eventually.\u00a0 Hope springs eternal—who said that?\u00a0 Whoever it was never had a prolonged illness or injury, that\u2019s for sure!<\/p>\n So, let\u2019s see, I guess if I am supposed to address each aspect of this ongoing struggle of brain against body I should start at the beginning.\u00a0 Funny I can remember it just like yesterday, as if my life froze at that moment and can never move away from it.\u00a0 I\u2019ve thought about how it happened about every minute of the day no matter where I am or what I am doing.\u00a0 I wish I could get past the part where I blame myself, but I can\u2019t.\u00a0 I think that\u2019s what makes it all that more difficult.\u00a0 If I had someone else to blame I think it would be lots easier to deal with.\u00a0 I have found that it\u2019s a whole lot harder when you know that if you had just listened to someone\u2019s advice you never would have gotten hurt.\u00a0 That someone was my father.\u00a0 Though throughout all that I\u2019ve gone through this year he has never thrown it up to me.\u00a0 I know he thinks about it and sometimes when I am hard to handle I bet he would love to bring it up.\u00a0 But, that\u2019s just not Pa.\u00a0 He would do anything he could to take my pain away but he can\u2019t.\u00a0 I know he wishes I had been obedient to his order to leave that horse alone in order to have spared me the results of my arrogance.<\/p>\n I was getting a little too close to rehashing the event last night so I stopped.\u00a0 I debated about continuing in this journal, but decided, when I woke up full of rage that I had better jot it in here than to take it out on others.\u00a0 I\u2019ve been doing that too much here lately; like this morning.\u00a0 I could hear Pa coming down the hall to see if I was awake yet.\u00a0 Awake?\u00a0 Like I ever get a good night\u2019s sleep!\u00a0 The powders that Doc Martin left for me to use to get sleep work just the opposite now.\u00a0 I doze off and then am catapulted into the scariest nightmares I have ever had in my life.\u00a0 And, that\u2019s saying something since I\u2019ve always been plagued by bad dreams.\u00a0 In fact, my two brothers used to joke about how many times I\u2019ve sent them all running down the hall to save me from the night terrors.\u00a0 I never saw that as a joke.\u00a0 If they had seen some of the things that I have seen in my dreams they wouldn\u2019t be laughing.\u00a0 But, now the dreams are far worse than when I was a kid, because instead of monsters and worries about losing someone I love, they are all based on the ugly reality of my life.<\/p>\n ********************<\/p>\n Anyway, I kinda felt bad for my father.\u00a0 I know he\u2019s trying to be cheerful, but if he comes in here one more morning and asks me how I am feeling I think I will scream!\u00a0 I almost did that this morning when he came in to my room.\u00a0 Pa always forces a smile, no matter what he\u2019s really thinking. Guess he thinks that I am being pessimistic?\u00a0 Funny I think the problem is that he is far too optimistic!\u00a0 The man has never said the words, \u201cI give up\u201d not in his whole life.\u00a0 He expects as much from his sons.\u00a0 Unfortunately he reads me too well.\u00a0 He sees past the fake words, the same ones I say each and every day, \u201cI\u2019m fine, Pa.\u201d\u00a0 Fine?\u00a0 I don\u2019t even know what it\u2019s like to feel \u201cfine\u201d anymore.\u00a0 A couple of times I\u2019ve held real still in my bed first thing in the morning and just held my breath.\u00a0 I thought that if I didn\u2019t move that the pain couldn\u2019t find me.\u00a0 I was wrong.\u00a0 A deep breath or a slight shift of my weight on the bed brings it back in full force and reminds me that it\u2019s just the beginning of yet another day of agony.<\/p>\n *********************<\/p>\n It\u2019s still so ironic to me that all this happened because of a horse. Well, it wasn\u2019t exactly just any horse.\u00a0 From the first moment I laid my eyes on the solid black stallion I knew I had to have it.\u00a0 Jim Mathers\u2019 hired hands over at the Circle W ranch rounded up the black along with a dozen others they caught last spring just before the annual cattle drive to Ogden.\u00a0 I had to go and see the horse that folks had named Mockery as soon as my friend Mitch told me about it.\u00a0 Mr. Mathers and my father go way back and he didn\u2019t mind my stopping by that day to take a look at the string of horses his wranglers were trying to break.\u00a0 I had just climbed up onto the railing of the breaking corral when I saw the first man fly through the air, having been launched by the black stallion.\u00a0 I was starting to get the idea why the hired hands had named the horse Mockery.\u00a0 One by one I watched the best horse breakers in the area have a go at that black.\u00a0 And, one by one they were thrown before they even got their boots planted firmly in the saddle stirrups.\u00a0 Two men were taken into Virginia City to have Doc patch them up from injuries caused by Mockery.\u00a0 It was then that I had asked Mr. Mathers about trying my hand at breaking the horse.\u00a0 Naturally, since he is such a good friend of my pa he refused to let me try.\u00a0 He had also mentioned that he wasn\u2019t about to lose another wrangler, and was thinking about turning the horse loose.\u00a0 I tried my best to convince him to sell me the stallion, but he was worried about what might happen to me.\u00a0 He said he would consider it and let me know in a day or two.\u00a0 Little did I know that he was going to ride out to the Ponderosa and have a good long talk with my father about me wanting Mockery.\u00a0 By the time I had gone into town, which was supposed to be part of my chores for the day, and ridden back to the ranch Jim Mathers had come and gone.\u00a0 After I bedded down Cochise, I walked into the house and found my father standing in front of the fireplace.\u00a0 He had his arms across his chest and he looked at me as though he was ready to do battle.\u00a0 Mr. Mathers had filled my father in well, even going so far as to tell him about each injury that had already befallen the men who had tried to break the wild stallion.\u00a0 I was unprepared for the onslaught of chastisements that my father hurled my way that evening.\u00a0 He\u2019s usually a lot calmer in discussing such things, but not that night!\u00a0 Mr. Mathers had painted a pretty awful picture of what might happen to me if I should try to break the horse and my father had made up his mind before I even rode up to the house. My father is a fair man and a good listener, that is, most of the time.\u00a0 But, that night it didn\u2019t matter how much logic I offered he wasn\u2019t taking the bait or listening to my arguments.\u00a0 I told him that I had a natural talent for breaking horses and that he should have some faith in me. I also told him, for perhaps the hundredth time in my life, that I was no longer a little kid.\u00a0 He just kept shaking his head and telling me \u201cno\u201d!\u00a0 \u00a0I guess I got pretty loud, because by the time Hoss came into the room from the kitchen he thought we were close to fisticuffs.\u00a0 Like that would ever happen!\u00a0 I tried to get Hoss to back me up, after I told him that Pa was being unreasonable.\u00a0 That was a mistake!\u00a0 Hoss had seen the horse and also some of the damage the animal had caused over at the Circle W.\u00a0 He went on to say some of the same things Pa had said to me earlier, mostly the line about me being out of my mind.\u00a0 This argument ended up like most of the arguments I have had with my father over my twenty years.\u00a0 I said some things hotly, that I later regretted, and bolted up the staircase.<\/p>\n ***********************<\/p>\n I wish I could go back to that moment in time, and stare directly into my father\u2019s eyes and say a big thank you to him for trying to protect me from something that would end up causing me so much anguish.\u00a0 But, it\u2019s never been my nature to reason things out, no more than it\u2019s been in my nature to do things in any other fashion than in haste.\u00a0 I stayed up in my room that night, mad at my family for treating me like a child.\u00a0 I was angry that they didn\u2019t think I was experienced enough to handle that horse.\u00a0 I had handled rough horses before, and was considered by many, especially myself, as being one of the best wranglers in the area.<\/p>\n My father came up to my room late that night to once again try and talk some sense into me.\u00a0 He knows how I am and I think he was feeling me out to see if I was going to go and do something rash.\u00a0 I avoided his eyes throughout that conversation.\u00a0 He did a good job trying to make me feel guilty for blowing off steam and I did manage a half- hearted apology.\u00a0 I thought he had sunk a bit lower than usual by bringing my mother\u2019s name up in his late night lecture.\u00a0 How many times does he need to remind me that she took that fatal fall off of a horse?\u00a0 I know the image is still planted deep inside his mind and heart, and I hurt for him.\u00a0 Pa witnessed that fall, but that was so many years ago you\u2019d think he wouldn\u2019t use it as a tool to keep me in line!\u00a0 Anyway, I never promised him I wouldn\u2019t try to break Mockery.\u00a0 All I did was to tell him that I would think about it.\u00a0 I also asked him to do some thinking too.\u00a0 Pa wasn\u2019t about to change his mind, no more than I was.\u00a0 By the time he left my room I had already come up with a plan.\u00a0 It would prove to be the worst scheme of my life and I would live to regret it.<\/p>\n **********************<\/p>\n I felt kinda funny sitting here writing this stuff yesterday, especially when Pa walked into my room.\u00a0 I was sitting by my window staring down towards the barn.\u00a0 Every now and then I could see Hoss working with the stacks of hay he was loading into the wagon.\u00a0 Helping him was Kyle Williams our new hand.\u00a0 He was up on the second floor of the barn sending the hay down to Hoss.\u00a0 That used to be my job.\u00a0 I can remember how many times I tormented poor Hoss over the years when I was the one up there and not some hired hand.\u00a0 I remember riding down with one of the hay bales just to make the job that much harder for the big galoot.\u00a0 Funny the things you never realized that you enjoyed so much until you can\u2019t do them anymore.\u00a0 I\u2019d give anything to be out there with my brother now.\u00a0 I guess Hoss could kinda feel me looking at him \u2018cause once or twice he stared over towards the house.\u00a0 I don\u2019t think he could see me, but I bet he knows.\u00a0 I never had to tell him how I felt about things we both just knew each other so well.\u00a0 There\u2019s a wall between us now, that I feel building each day.\u00a0 Maybe it\u2019s me?\u00a0 I am starting to feel envious towards anyone who can go out and ride and run and work and do all the things I used to be able to do.\u00a0 Not that I would wish Hoss this injury.\u00a0 No, if anyone in my family had to suffer like this, I guess I\u2019d rather it be me.<\/p>\n So, Pa came in and did his best to coax me into going downstairs.\u00a0 He thinks I spend too much time up here. I wonder why? What\u2019s he think I\u2019ve got to do around here?\u00a0 Each step down those stairs feels like a knife stabbing me in the spine.\u00a0 Of course I don\u2019t tell him that or he would start in on me again about moving into the guest room.\u00a0 That\u2019s been his plan all this past year.\u00a0 I fought him on it, and though it\u2019s a rare thing, I actually won that round.\u00a0 Doc told him I didn\u2019t need to be climbing stairs as he called it \u201cin my condition\u2019.\u00a0 Like that would stop the pain?\u00a0 Doesn\u2019t matter if I am sitting, standing or walking I am gonna be in pain.\u00a0 And, I am not giving up the one thing that still makes me feel like I am at least a little normal; my bedroom.\u00a0 I make it downstairs for at least one or two meals a day.\u00a0 Believe me that\u2019s enough of the outside world for me!\u00a0 I could go and sit on the porch awhile and watch others doing all the things that I can no longer do, but no thanks.<\/p>\n Pa handed me another pain pill and asked what I was doing.\u00a0 I think he knew, I mean kinda obvious!\u00a0 I had the journal in my lap along with my pencil.\u00a0 I think he just wants to see what I am writing in here. Maybe he will try to sneak a peek while I am asleep sometime?\u00a0 I sure hope not.\u00a0 Pa—if you read this—don\u2019t read any further or you might not like what you see!\u00a0 There!\u00a0 I am sure that will stop him.\u00a0 Like anything stops my pa.<\/p>\n ***************************<\/p>\n Now where did I leave off anyhow?\u00a0 Guess I have to read all this stuff to keep focused on what I am trying to write.\u00a0 I know that a little while after I swallowed that pain pill I suddenly found myself spread out on my bed.\u00a0 I don\u2019t remember how I got there either.\u00a0 It\u2019s strange how time loses all meaning after a while.\u00a0 Sometimes I have to think hard in order to remember what day it is.\u00a0 Doc says that some of this stuff he\u2019s giving me can\u2019t be taken too long because of the side effects.\u00a0 Hell, I don\u2019t even know exactly what he is giving me.\u00a0 There were the white powders that he gave me first and those tasted like salt.\u00a0 I used to drink glass after glass of water to wash the taste of them out of my mouth.\u00a0 Then after I saw that other doctor, they started giving me these pills.\u00a0 I kinda remember asking about them, but now it\u2019s just a blur to me.\u00a0 All I know now is that Pa hands them to me and I take them.\u00a0 Well, most of the time.\u00a0 There was a time a couple months ago that I got fed up with taking these medications.\u00a0 So, every time Pa handed me one I made it appear as though I had swallowed it.\u00a0 But, I was really stashing them under my mattress.\u00a0 I guess I had about twenty of them buried there in case I decided to go through with another of my plans.\u00a0 If it wasn\u2019t for Hop Sing, I might have done it too.\u00a0 I remember that day pretty clearly guess I should as I hadn\u2019t had anything for pain for about six days!\u00a0 It was awful to get to that point and not being able to tell anyone.\u00a0 But, I had my mind made up that I was getting out of this situation one way or the other. Unfortunately, Hop Sing decided that my linens needed to be changed.\u00a0 I wasn\u2019t in my room at the time or I probably would\u2019ve heard the release of a string of Chinese profanity.\u00a0 But, Pa sure got an earful!\u00a0 As was typical, he waited to see how high I would hang myself before telling him the truth of the matter.\u00a0 When I wasn\u2019t forthcoming with the facts, I remember him holding his hand out under my nose and showing me the pills that I had stashed away.\u00a0 There really wasn\u2019t any point in denying what I had been planning.\u00a0 I think he and Doc had already figured it out.\u00a0 Pa just wanted to hear it out of my own mouth.\u00a0 I didn\u2019t think I could hurt any more than I was hurting at that point.\u00a0 The pain was so extreme I could hardly breathe.\u00a0 I was wrong about the pain, though.\u00a0 Seeing the tears in my father\u2019s eyes hurt me far worse than any pain my injury had caused me.\u00a0 He couldn\u2019t believe that I had given up.\u00a0 He couldn\u2019t understand why I would hide my desperation from him.\u00a0 Pa begged me for answers to his onslaught of questions, but I had none.\u00a0 All I could say was that I just wanted it to be over.<\/p>\n He did the worst thing he could have done at that moment, at least in my opinion.\u00a0 He reached for me and told me he forgave me.\u00a0 How could he forgive me for wanting to do the sinful act of suicide? \u00a0I know how he feels about that just like I know how he feels about a son of his quitting.\u00a0 But, he held me and cried and he begged me not to give up hope.\u00a0 I think that\u2019s when I first realized how much this injury had changed me.\u00a0 I no longer felt safe and secure in my father\u2019s loving embrace.\u00a0 I felt trapped.\u00a0 I also felt like a failure.\u00a0 I was trapped in a body that refused to work and I was a failure for not having done something to fix it.\u00a0 Most of all I felt like my selfish act had caused my father a deep pain of his own.\u00a0 So, I did what he wanted.\u00a0 I promised him I would never try anything like that again.\u00a0 He needed to hear that from me.\u00a0 I only hope I wasn\u2019t lying.<\/p>\n ****************************<\/p>\n I can\u2019t believe what I have been writing. I just read it all over again.\u00a0 I guess this is what Doc meant by \u201cpurging\u201d my soul?\u00a0 I\u2019m glad no-one else is reading this, as it makes little sense to me.\u00a0 I guess I will go back to the accident. Accident?\u00a0 I don\u2019t even know if I can call it that.\u00a0 Accidents are random things that no-one can predict.\u00a0 Everyone who had warned me about trying to break Mockery had predicted I would get hurt.\u00a0 Instead of accident, I guess I should call this a willful act of disobedience?\u00a0 Yeah, that sounds more like it.<\/p>\n Now I heard that Mr. Mathers was gonna turn that horse loose. There were ranchers who would just as soon shoot the stallion, but Mr. Mathers was one who believed in letting such animals go back to the wild.\u00a0 So, he did, and I was waiting.\u00a0 Naturally, I was supposed to be elsewhere that morning.\u00a0 Pa knew what I was thinking and had assigned me the job of going up to check on the timber crew\u2019s progress which would have steered me far away from the hills above the Circle W.\u00a0 I decided on my own to make a grand swing before following orders.\u00a0 I knew that Hoss would probably be tailing me, heck he does it all the time.\u00a0 My brother Adam would\u2019ve been on the look-out too, had he not been in Carson City that day.\u00a0 So, once I had convinced Hoss by my trail that I was indeed heading northwards, he turned back towards home. \u00a0It was then that I made my way back towards the Circle W.<\/p>\n ************************<\/p>\n The stallion was high up into the hills by the time I swung around down towards the lake.\u00a0 I spotted him and kicked at Cochise\u2019s sides in order to give chase.\u00a0 It took a long while to catch up to Mockery and my poor pinto had just about given up.\u00a0 But, as soon as I was within reach, I swung my lariat and with one lucky throw I had the stallion.\u00a0 He fought against the rope for a long time but finally gave in.\u00a0 Maybe old Mockery knew what he was gonna do to me and he decided to get it over with?\u00a0 Sometimes I wonder.<\/p>\n Knowing I couldn\u2019t take the horse home with me and board it in the front corral, I rode out with Mockery in tow to the corral in the eastern meadow.\u00a0 We only use that corral when we get a new string in, so I knew I wouldn\u2019t have any onlookers.\u00a0 I led Mockery inside the corral and let him run around awhile.\u00a0 I took the time to water Cochise and catch my own breath before I approached the horse in order to try and break it.<\/p>\n ***********************<\/p>\n I have no idea how many horses that I have gentled in all the years I\u2019ve been doing it.\u00a0 But, I can say that there have only been a few that I haven\u2019t succeeded in breaking.\u00a0\u00a0 I guess, in hindsight I should\u2019ve looked a little closer at Mockery.\u00a0 Maybe I would\u2019ve seen the defiance in his eyes?\u00a0 But, nonetheless I was confident that I would have the horse broken to saddle in a day or two and would ride up to the ranch house by the end of the week triumphant.\u00a0 Once again I would prove my prowess with the horses and maybe that would earn the respect of all of those who doubted my ability!\u00a0 I couldn\u2019t have been more wrong.<\/p>\n I worked with the horse all afternoon.\u00a0 Since Mockery had seen a bridle before, he didn\u2019t seem to mind it when I carefully placed it over his head and secured the bit in his mouth.\u00a0 I was starting to think that it had been more or less the haste in which the wranglers had gone after the stallion and not the horse\u2019s desire to remain wild.\u00a0 My confidence was my downfall.\u00a0 I should never have tried to break the horse that same afternoon.\u00a0 In fact, I never should have tried to break the horse at all!\u00a0 But, it was my arrogance that made me climb upon the corral railing and ready to mount the animal.\u00a0 I had been taught years ago that you never break a horse without another wrangler there to assist you in case you should encounter trouble.\u00a0 All that wisdom left me and in its place was pure enthusiasm.\u00a0 Mockery was still fighting the weight of the saddle when I threw my right leg across his back and leapt from the corral.<\/p>\n *****************************<\/p>\n To this day I only remember one or two bucks in the saddle and nothing else.\u00a0 I don\u2019t remember the fall, I don\u2019t remember the pain.\u00a0 All I remember is my world coming to an abrupt halt that afternoon.\u00a0 Much later that night I came back from unconsciousness.\u00a0 I was here in my bedroom.\u00a0 I remember the glow from the lamp on my night stand and the feel of the cloth on my forehead.\u00a0 It hurt to blink I had such an incredible headache. Pa was leaning over me calling my name and Doc was holding my wrist.\u00a0 It took a good long while before I pieced together what had happened.\u00a0 My two brothers were standing behind the doctor and their faces looked awfully grim.\u00a0 Pa looked even worse than they did.\u00a0 His face seemed pale and worry was etched across his brow.\u00a0 I had seen that look before so many times that it didn\u2019t bother me.\u00a0 It was natural for my father to worry about me, especially when I was hurt.\u00a0 Doc asked me some questions and had me follow his fingers with my eyes to make sure I could see okay.\u00a0 He said something about a concussion.\u00a0 Then he made me move each of my legs one at a time.\u00a0 That\u2019s when I first felt the pain.\u00a0 When I groaned I saw Doc nod towards my father, as if they had some secret they weren\u2019t telling me.<\/p>\n I started asking them what was wrong with me and it seemed like they intended on keeping the truth away from me for some reason.\u00a0 Doc made me swallow some powders and told me to rest and Pa sat on the side of the bed and held my hand in his.\u00a0 He tried to smile, as though all was well, but I could see the fear on his face.\u00a0 I remember asking if Mockery was okay and Pa\u2019s face seemed to change to rage.\u00a0 That\u2019s when Hoss moved alongside the bed and told me he had set the animal free.\u00a0 Pa was collecting himself and had looked away from me.\u00a0 I knew he was thinking about what I had done and how it was all my fault.\u00a0 Adam said the words I would come to hear often.\u00a0 He told me I would be okay.\u00a0 I wanted to believe that, but after Pa turned back to look into my eyes I knew that it had to be a lie.\u00a0 That\u2019s when the powders did their trick and all went black again.<\/p>\n **************************<\/p>\n Okay so I guess I about covered the whole Joe stupidly tries to break the stallion story now.\u00a0 All\u2019s that\u2019s left is the end result of my stupidity.\u00a0 For that part of this story I have to bring in the honorable Doctor Paul Martin.\u00a0 He\u2019s the one who insisted I write this stupid journal so guess he deserves his own chapter.\u00a0 Let\u2019s see where do I start with him?\u00a0 Actually, I start at birth.\u00a0 He brought me into the world and has told me the story of that wonderful event numerous times.\u00a0 The man has doctored me ever since then and has pulled me safely out of the worst injuries of my life.\u00a0 I just wish he could\u2019ve pulled one more out of his hat.\u00a0 I remember when I was sixteen he told me that if I could go a whole year without a serious injury or illness that he would take down his shingle and retire from the medical profession.\u00a0 Needless to say he is still a doctor.\u00a0 I can\u2019t even remember how many of my bones that Doc has set over the years, nor the illnesses he has tended where I was concerned.\u00a0 I bet he\u2019s seen places on my body that I will never see.\u00a0 Pa once told me that he was going to give the doc his own bedroom here on the ranch, since he had spent so many long nights dealing with me.\u00a0 Of course he\u2019s also handled the rest of the family, but all of their injuries added together wouldn\u2019t equal the amount of my own.\u00a0 I guess I am just plain lucky?\u00a0 When other doctors would have quit on me and walked, no, ran the other way—Paul Martin stuck by me.\u00a0 I don\u2019t think there\u2019s anyone alive who I respect more than him, other than my father of course.\u00a0 They are both alike in many ways actually.\u00a0 Both are caring and both of them have lectured me vehemently over the years about my willful abandon which usually is the root cause to my troubles.<\/p>\n ************************<\/p>\n It\u2019s a good thing that my father is the one who is monitoring how many pills I take.\u00a0 If I were left in charge of it I wouldn\u2019t have a clue as to whether I\u2019ve taken one today.\u00a0 I don\u2019t feel quite so foggy, so guess it\u2019s gonna be time soon to get another one.\u00a0 Pa should be coming into my room soon.\u00a0 He\u2019s not gonna ask me if I am hurting bad enough to have another dose of medication.\u00a0 That\u2019s because he knows that I wouldn\u2019t tell the truth if he did ask me.\u00a0 The pills do something to me but it\u2019s unclear just what that something is.\u00a0 I guess they help with the pain by getting my brain so dizzy that it hasn\u2019t a clue to where the pain is.\u00a0 Doc said if I took them as prescribed that the pain wouldn\u2019t be so bad.\u00a0 But, he also told Pa that eventually they would stop working effectively because I would grow immune to their powers.\u00a0 I have reached that point now I think.\u00a0 But, I don\u2019t say much about it cause I know that the alternative is to put me on stronger drugs.\u00a0 I\u2019ve been down that route before, no thanks.<\/p>\n I was right Pa came in with the pain medication a few minutes after I finished writing the last part.\u00a0 He wanted me to come downstairs with him but I refused.\u00a0 I mean it\u2019s no different to me whether I am down there or up here, because after I take the medication I am little more than a zombie.\u00a0 Not exactly the kind of person you want going over your books, though Pa has asked me to do them.\u00a0 He\u2019s trying to make me feel like a valuable part of the family.\u00a0 Who does he think he\u2019s kidding?\u00a0 I don\u2019t even remember what excuse I gave him this time.\u00a0 Guess he\u2019ll eventually stop asking.\u00a0 It is kinda funny that when he hands me the pill now he looks real carefully at me.\u00a0 I know it\u2019s because of what I did before in hiding them.\u00a0 I don\u2019t blame him for not trusting me, I don\u2019t trust me!\u00a0 I\u2019m getting foggy so guess this is it for today.\u00a0 Maybe tomorrow I will get back to whatever I was trying to say.\u00a0 I think it had to do with Doc.<\/p>\n ************************<\/p>\n It\u2019s now been two days since I wrote anything in here.\u00a0 Funny thing happened on the way down the stairs the other night.\u00a0 My foot went numb without warning and I made a great entrance for dinner.\u00a0 Pa was sitting at his desk finishing up some business contracts.\u00a0 He had just stood and looked my way when I took the plunge to the bottom of the stairs.\u00a0 I guess I scared him pretty bad too cause his face was white when he reached me.\u00a0 I just kinda laid there looking up at him, trying to figure out how I had fallen.\u00a0 His hands were shaking as he slowly checked me out for injuries.\u00a0 I couldn\u2019t help laughing when he said he hoped I hadn\u2019t \u201churt\u201d myself!\u00a0 Like I would\u2019ve been able to tell the difference?\u00a0 Hoss came into the house and rushed over to me.\u00a0 Then, the two of them carried me like a sack of grain over to the couch.\u00a0 All I got out of the deal was a lump on my forehead.\u00a0 Other than that I was just the same as before.\u00a0 I told Pa that my foot goes numb all the time as does my leg, guess he didn\u2019t realize that I have no warning when that happens.\u00a0 Once the initial worry started to fade he got angry.\u00a0 Hell it\u2019s about time!\u00a0 Pa went on and on about how none of this would have happened if I had done as requested and moved into the guest room downstairs.\u00a0 I thought he was just about to say that none of this would\u2019ve happened if I hadn\u2019t disobeyed him and tried to break that horse in the first place!\u00a0 But, he\u2019s been able to stop short each time before that comes out of his mouth.\u00a0 I think he thinks that would be low.\u00a0 Actually it would be a relief to hear it after all of these months.\u00a0 I can see it on his face, just like on the faces of my brothers.\u00a0 They all know I have no-one to blame but me for being in the condition that I am.<\/p>\n Anyway, I made it over to the dining room under my own power, refusing all help.\u00a0 Hop Sing came out and handed me a towel with some ice in it for my head.\u00a0 At least he acted like it wasn\u2019t a big deal, though Pa and Hoss wouldn\u2019t take their eyes off of me throughout dinner.\u00a0 I knew that a lecture or two would be forthcoming, so I avoided Pa\u2019s eyes for as long as I could. Before heading back up to my room he had a few more things to say to me and made sure he fussed over my head lump for a few minutes too.\u00a0 Just as always, I told him that I was not going to move downstairs and if that meant a tumble or two then I was willing to take the falls.\u00a0 I reminded him that Doc had said that I could expect things like this to happen due to my back injury and no-one needed to get all upset.\u00a0 I was no worse for wear in my opinion.\u00a0 When I finally made eye contact with my father I could see the sorrow on his face again.\u00a0 I know he wishes he could help me but he can\u2019t.\u00a0 If I have to face this then it\u2019s time he did too.\u00a0 He just looked so sad though, kinda tore me up in a way.\u00a0 He said some things like—about me pushing people away and stuff.\u00a0 Heard that before how many times now?\u00a0 Maybe it\u2019s the medications, who knows?\u00a0 Maybe it\u2019s resentment.\u00a0 Not that I resent Pa, I resent me and all I\u2019ve cost the family due to my injury.\u00a0 I hate that he is so understanding all the time too!\u00a0 Just once I wish he would yell at me for doing such a stupid thing.\u00a0 He didn\u2019t do that, not even the day after the accident happened. That\u2019s when I knew that I must be bad off.<\/p>\n *************************<\/p>\n A few days ago I started writing about what happened when I came to after Mockery threw me.\u00a0 I guess I either derailed the story at that point or I was purposely trying to avoid the harsh details of that first day.\u00a0 Doc came by again today just to talk.\u00a0 He knows there\u2019s nothing really he can do for me as a doctor now, so he just sits and talks about things happening in town.\u00a0 I know he reports back to Pa though.\u00a0 I know they\u2019ve had lots of talks about me, especially after I pulled my little stunt with the pills.\u00a0 I guess Doc is the only person that I haven\u2019t totally tried to push away.\u00a0 Not really sure why either.\u00a0 You\u2019d think I would try to blame him for not fixing me—but I know he would have if it was in his power.\u00a0 I guess I just don\u2019t feel like I\u2019ve let Doc down the way I have my family.\u00a0 Maybe that takes some of the heat off of me when I talk to him?<\/p>\n Okay back to the story of the day after.\u00a0 It\u2019s so real to me that I could write a minute by minute essay on what everyone did and said.\u00a0 I don\u2019t know if I can focus enough to do that though, my mind keeps going elsewhere.\u00a0 I think Big Brother Adam would call that official avoidance on my part. No it\u2019s the drugs not avoidance.\u00a0 Least I think so.\u00a0 Now that first morning I awoke to my father in his normal battle position.\u00a0 That would be him sleeping in the chair next to my bed.\u00a0 It didn\u2019t matter that Doc had told him I wouldn\u2019t come around for hours Pa wasn\u2019t going to let me wake up without him there.\u00a0 My Pa, the noble sentry! Maybe it\u2019s the only times in my life that he can actually feel like he is truly in charge of me?\u00a0 Well, he had a captive audience that time, as I couldn\u2019t move when I finally started to wake up.<\/p>\n ************************<\/p>\n I have gotten an awful lot of flak in twenty years over the fact that I have caused all the white hairs on my father\u2019s head.\u00a0 I can\u2019t deny that either.\u00a0 Now, for the times that it wasn\u2019t my fault I don\u2019t claim the credit. But, I would say the vast majority of my injuries were done to my body due to my total lack of brains.\u00a0 Well, not to say I don\u2019t have brains, it\u2019s just like everyone has pointed out, I don\u2019t use what God gave me in that department.\u00a0 If I had a dollar for every bone I have broken in my life I would be able to purchase the Ponderosa outright.\u00a0 It\u2019s a good thing that Doc must give Pa a discount on his services or he would probably own the ranch himself by now.\u00a0 Now where was I going?\u00a0 I don\u2019t know must be time to quit for the day.<\/p>\n ************************<\/p>\n Hop Sing brought me some tea so I thought I would get back to this after a couple of hours of staring blankly at my ceiling.\u00a0 Hop Sing is so funny in his own right.\u00a0 He concocts all these things to try to heal me \u201cChinese\u201d style.\u00a0 I have stopped asking what the hell is in the teas he brings me.\u00a0 I think he\u2019s been using some kind of bark or something and the tea is getting stronger than my brother Hoss\u2019 trail coffee.\u00a0 Hop Sing also stands patiently and watches me try some of the exercises the second doctor told me to do each day.\u00a0 He coaxes me on in his native language.\u00a0 I think I am learning some of his lines now, and the way he says them I am sure he is swearing at me.\u00a0 Of course he smiles, and that\u2019s just to throw me off I am sure.\u00a0 God love him anyway.\u00a0 Hop Sing can say more with a smile than most folks could say in talking to you for an hour.\u00a0 He\u2019s a great friend and acts as a buffer between me and the others now.\u00a0 If I tell him that I have HAD IT<\/strong>, then he knows what to say to Pa and my brothers to warn them to lay off of me.<\/p>\n ************************<\/p>\n I think I was talking about the morning after the accident for like the last five pages.\u00a0 Why am I stalling?\u00a0 Okay, so I wake up and see Pa.\u00a0 It\u2019s like he can \u201cfeel\u201d me staring over at him, kinda spooky!\u00a0 But, then we\u2019ve always been very close. \u00a0In the past I mean, not now.\u00a0\u00a0 Again it is all my fault.\u00a0 So, he hurries to my side and tells me not to move much.\u00a0 That was funny as I couldn\u2019t have if I had wanted to.\u00a0 So, I asked him what was wrong with me.\u00a0 It was then that he started to hedge on his answer.\u00a0 Pa does not have a good poker face.\u00a0 Wonder how he beats us all in cards?\u00a0\u00a0 He sure can\u2019t bluff worth a darn.\u00a0 He says that the Doc has found \u201crather\u201d bad bruising on my lower spine.\u00a0 Then he goes on to say that it might take some time before the swelling goes down enough for Doc to determine the extent of my injury.\u00a0 I tried to move my legs, and was relieved when I could get them to work, though they were slow about it.\u00a0 There was something in my father\u2019s eyes I didn\u2019t often see.\u00a0 He\u2019s always been so in control.\u00a0 I thought he was going to cry, but he didn\u2019t.<\/p>\n As the fog from whatever the hell Doc had given me the night before left me I started to feel the most excruciating pain I had ever felt.\u00a0 Guess Pa read my face that time because he was to me quickly trying to help.\u00a0 He gave me some more medication and told me that Doc would be right back.\u00a0 He had left early in the morning for another house call but assured my father he would return.\u00a0 So, I laid there and let the pain medication slowly work its way to my brain.\u00a0 The whole time I waited for my pain to subside Pa sat next to me on the bed and told me over and over again that I was going to get better.\u00a0 I guess he figured I had gone back to sleep, but I had just closed my eyes waiting to greet the darkness.\u00a0 He leaned over me and I felt his lips on my forehead, and at the same time I could feel the coolness of a tear that was not my own.\u00a0 That\u2019s when I realized that Pa was keeping something from me.\u00a0 Whatever Doc had told my father, he wasn\u2019t telling me.<\/p>\n ************************<\/p>\n I remember the next time I came around that Doc was there in the room and I heard the whispers between him and Pa.\u00a0 The first thing I asked them when I opened my eyes was what the heck was going on.\u00a0 Doc told me to quiet down and began checking my legs by poking me with a pin.\u00a0 I felt it, and I took that to be a good sign.\u00a0 I could move my legs, just as before, but when I did a sharp pain shot up my spine.\u00a0 He and Pa helped to roll me over and I could feel fingers prodding and poking my backbone.\u00a0 It hurt like hell too!\u00a0 By the time they repositioned me, I was getting a bit loud.\u00a0 I told them both that I wanted to know whatever they weren\u2019t telling me about my injury.\u00a0 Pa kinda moved away from the bed giving Doc room to sit and try to explain all of it to me calmly.\u00a0 I tried to take it all in, though he was a little beyond me as far as the medical jargon went.\u00a0 I guess he could tell the confusion in my eyes and then went about explaining in a way I would actually comprehend.\u00a0 He drew out a piece of paper from his black medical bag and Pa handed him a pencil from my desk.\u00a0 After a few minutes he showed me his drawing.\u00a0 He showed me all about what he called the spinal column and how different things all came together.\u00a0 All I wanted to know was when I was going to get better and not hurt so bad.\u00a0 That\u2019s when he told me the bad news.\u00a0 It was his opinion that I had severely injured my spine.\u00a0 I thought that had to be wrong since I could move my legs fine.\u00a0 I mean I wasn\u2019t paralyzed so I figured I was just a little banged up but nothing permanent.\u00a0 He talked about nerve involvement and reminded me that it was still too early to make an accurate diagnosis.\u00a0 But, he also said that if the damage was as bad as he suspected that I might never be as I had been before my fall.<\/p>\n ****************************<\/p>\n I laid there for a long time trying to figure out what he wasn\u2019t saying along with what he had said.\u00a0 It didn\u2019t make any sense to me.\u00a0 Even his drawing was confusing.\u00a0 I mean—you fall, you bruise your back–you heal and that\u2019s it.\u00a0 My back was NOT broken from what he had said, and then again I wasn\u2019t paralyzed so I couldn\u2019t figure out why Doc and Pa both looked so grim.\u00a0 I have always been a tough guy.\u00a0 I have also been a pretty quick healer too.\u00a0 I finally reasoned that they were both jumping the gun and not giving me time to heal.\u00a0 I was sure that I would once again, as I had so many times, prove them to be wrong.\u00a0 Doc gave me some instructions about when I could get out of bed and what he wanted me to do.\u00a0 He handed Pa some more medication and told him when to give it to me.\u00a0 Then I noticed that Doc gave Pa \u201cthe look\u201d which meant he wanted to talk to him privately and out of my room.\u00a0 Pa must\u2019ve caught on quickly as he patted my arm and made some excuse up about going to get me some food.\u00a0 I watched them both leave and wished I could follow them to hear what they were going to say.\u00a0 I even tried to get up from the bed, but I couldn\u2019t stand the pain that even the slightest movement caused.<\/p>\n ************************<\/p>\n For two days I stayed in bed, following all the rules that Doc had laid down.\u00a0 I had no choice since Pa kept a constant vigil.\u00a0 And, even when he wasn\u2019t there, which wasn\u2019t too often, he posted Hoss and Adam as guards over me.\u00a0 Finally, on the third day after I fell off of Mockery, Pa and Doc helped me out of bed.\u00a0 That was an experience I will never forget either!\u00a0 I was going to try to walk to my bureau, but I only made it about three feet and then collapsed into my father\u2019s arms.\u00a0 It wasn\u2019t that my legs hadn\u2019t worked, it was that the pain was so bad I passed out.\u00a0 Next thing I knew Doc was wafting some smelling salts under my nose and I was again staring at two very upset men.\u00a0 Doc ordered more ice packs for my back, something that he had been doing off and on the previous two days.\u00a0 The swelling hadn\u2019t gone down and he took that as a bad sign.\u00a0 It was awfully suspicious that Pa wasn\u2019t asking the kinds of questions I had expected him to be asking at that point.\u00a0 I figured he would be hollering that I needed surgery or something.\u00a0 I didn\u2019t know then that they had already broached that subject.\u00a0 That didn\u2019t stop me from asking though.\u00a0 Doc just shook his head and said \u201cnot right now\u2019.\u00a0 What he wasn\u2019t telling me at the time was that the idea of spine surgery was out of the question.\u00a0 I guess I don\u2019t blame him none for keeping that from me back then.\u00a0 Hell I probably would have gone off the wall if I had known how ominous my condition was at the time. Guess Pa and the doctor had figured that one out.<\/p>\n ************************<\/p>\n Isn\u2019t it funny how you can read people that you know so well just by the look on their faces or by what they leave out in a conversation?\u00a0 Now, Hoss never could pull one over on me so him coming up to my room each day to challenge me to a checkers game or two was his only way to try to take my mind off of what was happening.\u00a0 I never had to ask him what he thought, I could read it in the way he looked when he tried his best to let me win.\u00a0 Like I needed the edge?\u00a0 I always could beat him—at least two out of three.\u00a0 And, Adam, yeah he\u2019s a bit tougher to figure out what\u2019s behind those dark New England eyes.\u00a0 But even he was starting to chip away his protective coating and look at me with pity.\u00a0 Then there was Pa.\u00a0 I\u2019ve already written in here how it was apparent by the way he didn\u2019t scold me about my disobedience right from the first day that was a big giveaway.\u00a0 But, there was something in his touch that seemed different too.\u00a0 He treated me like I was made of glass and that he couldn\u2019t apply too much pressure or I would break.\u00a0 He\u2019s always been over protective, but it wasn\u2019t that.\u00a0 Even the nights that he didn\u2019t spend worrying over me in the chair by my bed he would come into my room.\u00a0 I\u2019m sure he thought that I was asleep the night he knelt next to my bedside and folded his hands in front of him.\u00a0 I know he was praying.\u00a0 He always prays, but this time he seemed so distraught almost as though he wasn\u2019t really expecting God to answer.\u00a0 The dim light from the hallway lamp cast shadows across his face, but I could still see the tears as they streaked down his cheeks.\u00a0 God I wish I hadn\u2019t done this to him!\u00a0 I wish I could take it all back—not for my sake–but for him.\u00a0 How many times does he have to go through this stuff because of my stupidity?\u00a0 After he left that night, I laid in my bed crying over all that had happened and what my future would hold now.\u00a0 I knew I wasn\u2019t getting any better, and that there was a good chance I never would.\u00a0 Doc said I would walk soon, but that the damage to my spine might always cause me intense pain.\u00a0 Now not only would I have to live with being a shadow of my former self, so would my family.\u00a0 Day after day they would have to watch the kid they were used to seeing bounding down the stairs barely able to move without difficulty.\u00a0 I can\u2019t write anymore right now.<\/p>\n *****************************<\/p>\n I had decided to stop writing in this thing, it was becoming a crutch and I was afraid that it was keeping me from facing reality.\u00a0 The reality is that I\u2019m trapped in a body that hurts most of the time.\u00a0 The reality is that I can\u2019t do a damn thing about it.\u00a0 I had to get back on here, no matter if it is a crutch because I needed to write down what happened last night.\u00a0 My father finally said it.\u00a0 Though he didn\u2019t say it to my face, he said it to my brothers and I just happened to overhear him.\u00a0 They hadn\u2019t seen me trying to make my way to the top of the stairs.\u00a0 Pa had given me that pill and he probably thought that I would be either asleep or lulled into a daze.\u00a0 But I stood there quietly and fought the pain it took just to wait there.\u00a0 The three of them were once again trying to find a way to make me move down into the guest room.\u00a0 That\u2019s when Pa lost it I guess, I mean it was coming, right?\u00a0 It had been so long since my accident and he\u2019s tried everything he can to get through to me urging me to at least try.\u00a0 Like I\u2019m not trying!\u00a0 I try every day not to jump out of my window and end it all.\u00a0 Unfortunately the way the roof is I\u2019d have to push myself out quite a bit and then the drop isn\u2019t much.\u00a0 Heck even Hoss had made it off of the roof when we used to sneak out on Pa and Adam to go to Virginia City.\u00a0 My first beer, compliments of my generous and sneaky big brother Hoss was the best one I ever tasted.\u00a0 I think that was because I was underage and at a saloon for the first time.\u00a0\u00a0 God love that big ox! What was I writing a minute ago? Oh, yeah the blow up, I was getting to that! \u00a0These pills, can I just blame them because I can\u2019t think straight most days?\u00a0 Pa stood there by the grand fireplace and looked over at my brothers and said that \u201cJoseph\u201d had no business trying to ride that horse.\u00a0 \u201cIf he had only listened to me it never would have happened.\u201d\u00a0 Finally!\u00a0 But why in the hell didn\u2019t he say it to my face?\u00a0 I wasn\u2019t mad or even sad when I heard those words.\u00a0 I guess I was relieved in a way because Pa needed to get it out of his system.\u00a0 But he should have grabbed my darn shoulders and given me a good shake and said it much louder.\u00a0 Now THAT I would have appreciated as it would help me with this guilt!\u00a0 Suddenly Pa spotted me and the room grew so quiet you\u2019d think no-one was at home.\u00a0 I decided to come down the stairs and just let everyone get it out of their systems and just tell me off once and for all.\u00a0 But, Pa just stopped the minute that he saw me.\u00a0 He looked so sad. \u00a0It was like he now had taken my guilt.\u00a0 That\u2019s what made me mad, as the guilt was mine!\u00a0 I owned it not Pa.\u00a0 I\u2019m the one who disobeyed and didn\u2019t even have the sense to go pull a wrangler or two to come spot me.\u00a0 He called my name and I could read both fear and embarrassment on his face.\u00a0 Maybe he was scared of what I\u2019d do since he knew I had heard it all?\u00a0 He moved right away to the bottom of the stairs and for a minute it was as if we were trying to have a stare down, with neither of us saying a word.\u00a0 Instead of saying anything, I simply took one step down and then I fell.\u00a0 I tumbled the whole way down to the first landing.\u00a0 Then all I could hear was the sound of three pairs of boots rushing over to see if I had killed myself.\u00a0 Yeah, life isn\u2019t going to let me off that easily, and death just won\u2019t take me for some reason.\u00a0 Pa was first to reach me, but then again he had been standing there at the bottom of the stairs looking up at me so he had an edge to that race.\u00a0 He did something that totally caught me off guard.\u00a0 I just expected the normal hand held down to me to help pull me to standing but that\u2019s not what happened.\u00a0 Pa reached for me and he wasn\u2019t gentle nor did he treat me like I was made of glass like he had for all of these many months.\u00a0 My father swept me up into his arms and hugged me close to him.\u00a0 Maybe he thought I had fallen due to what he had said, I don\u2019t know because he never mentioned any of that.\u00a0 He pulled me to his chest with such a fierce hold I couldn\u2019t escape this time. I didn\u2019t know what to think about it, I didn\u2019t know how to feel about it.\u00a0 My brothers turned and walked away.\u00a0 I guess they figured that Pa and I needed a moment alone?\u00a0 To tell you the truth I didn\u2019t even feel all that bad about my fall or even about what Pa had said about this whole thing being my fault.\u00a0 I only knew that my father was finally treating me like he used to.\u00a0 It was just one moment in time that I was just his son, not the injured young man upstairs that he had to protect.\u00a0 I didn\u2019t know if I was supposed to say anything when he didn\u2019t release me from his arms.\u00a0 Maybe he was waiting for me to get mad over what I had heard coming out of his mouth just a few minutes earlier? Finally after what seemed like an hour I heard him crying.\u00a0 It had all just been too much on my father.\u00a0 He had dealt with the worry the fear and always trying to put on a brave face for me.\u00a0 I can take almost anything but not hearing my Pa cry.\u00a0 I was forced to talk straight to him and not in vague answers like I\u2019d been doing for so long.\u00a0 As Pa held me and cried I told him how sorry I was for everything.\u00a0 I wanted to release him from all of his worries over me and his daily duties.\u00a0 For once I wanted to make my Pa feel better and wasn\u2019t thinking anything about how rotten I felt.\u00a0 When he could finally speak he told me that he needed me.\u00a0 I thought he was going to say that he needed me to try or he needed me to move into the guest room, but no he just said he needed me.\u00a0 After feeling so worthless for all this time my father was letting me know that it was all in my head.\u00a0 He told me that no matter what my future was going to hold it wouldn\u2019t change the fact that he needed me and he loved me.\u00a0 Pa didn\u2019t even ask if I had hurt myself in the fall nor check me over.\u00a0 All of it caught me off guard and it was sinking in that I was the only one who really hadn\u2019t been trying, even if I thought that I had been.\u00a0 Pa finally pulled me back a bit and looked me square in the eye and said that he knew I felt guilty for trying to break Mockery.\u00a0 He admitted to being angry that I had gone against his wishes but that it was done and he had only brought it up that night because he was at his wits end with me.\u00a0 I had pulled myself to a seated position now that Pa had let me loose from his arms but he wasn\u2019t quite done with me yet.\u00a0 He latched onto my two shoulders and gave me a bit of a shake and said that I was going to get better even if it killed the both of us!\u00a0 I think that Pa thought that his statement would make me laugh but it had the opposite effect.\u00a0 I don\u2019t know why but I began to cry and when I did I let loose big time.\u00a0 Was it just the fact that he loved me so much that he couldn\u2019t imagine me not getting better or had he really believed it?\u00a0 I didn\u2019t know then and I don\u2019t know that now.\u00a0 But I do know that those few minutes there on the stairs meant more to me than months of him handing me a pill or standing guard in my bedroom.\u00a0 Though I never wanted to make my Pa cry, because that\u2019s just not something he does often, it was what changed everything.\u00a0 I knew that I hurt, hell I hurt every single day for months now, but I never really understood how much I had made my father hurt.\u00a0 He hurt when he found out about what I had done with those pills.\u00a0 He held that back from me, because he was walking on eggshells every day, and because of that he hadn\u2019t been acting like the \u201cPa\u201d I had known or needed.\u00a0 On those stairs we reached an understanding and it was simple.\u00a0\u00a0 I needed to get back to being my father\u2019s son and he needed to get back to the job of being my father.\u00a0 Pain or no pain, life altered forever or not, Pa let me know that life goes on.\u00a0 He didn\u2019t want to treat me like an invalid, but in a lot of ways he had.\u00a0 Pa said that wasn\u2019t going to be the case anymore. \u00a0He expected honesty from me from now on and I agreed that I\u2019d talk straight with him. It was at that moment, when I had pushed away my tears I held my hand out to my Pa and asked him to help me up.\u00a0 His smile said it all.\u00a0 I had asked, he hadn\u2019t rushed to do it because he was putting my life back on me.\u00a0 Pa would be there, Pa would help, but he wasn\u2019t going to go overboard waiting on me either.\u00a0 And as for the guest room well that was resolved on the stairs too.\u00a0 I told him that my bedroom made me feel like I was normal and he agreed, if that was the case, then no more would be said about moving to the bottom floor of the house.\u00a0 I had to agree on holding onto the banister from now on, and after that fall I\u2019d say that was a good idea.\u00a0 My backside took the brunt of that tumble!<\/p>\n ***************************<\/p>\n I haven\u2019t felt the need to write in here for a long while.\u00a0 It\u2019s been about a month now or maybe a bit more.\u00a0 I don\u2019t know as I never write the date on here so I\u2019d have to go back and read what I\u2019ve written but that takes time and I don\u2019t have much of that lately.\u00a0 I guess, looking back one page I left off with the whole blow up and my fall, along with how my Pa and I got things straightened out between us.\u00a0 Funny thing about that fall, it changed a lot of things.\u00a0 Sure I was glad that Pa and I got back to where we had been before the whole \u201cfall from the stupid horse bit.\u201d But, something else happened right after that tumble and by the time I got back to my room my back did strange things.\u00a0 Since I had promised Pa that I\u2019d tell him the truth from now on I had to tell him about the funny twinges that I began to get that same night.\u00a0 It was almost as if my back was in a spasm in all different places.\u00a0 Pa wondered if we should have Doc come out but I told him the pain wasn\u2019t any worse just different.\u00a0 I promised to let him know if it did get worse but other than that I\u2019d just keep plugging along.\u00a0 Pa and I worked on the books and I think that\u2019s the first time I\u2019ve laughed since the accident.\u00a0 We decided that I\u2019d \u201chelp\u201d him before taking any medicine but it didn\u2019t matter as my figures messed up Pa\u2019s ledger book good.\u00a0 But I also found three errors that Pa had made and that was what made everything funnier.\u00a0 Not that it\u2019s been a barrel of laughs but at least it\u2019s been \u201cbetter\u201d.<\/p>\n Doc did come out which is why I had to put this book down right when I was going to write something very clever.\u00a0 I don\u2019t know what it was, but it would have been good.\u00a0 Anyway Pa had Doc come check me and the excuse was that he happened to be \u201cin the area\u201d and thought he\u2019d stop by.\u00a0 The two of them are still conspirators at least as far as I\u2019m concerned.\u00a0 Doc checked for damage from my newest fall and told Pa that he didn\u2019t see too much of a difference, other than a bruise or two. My backside didn\u2019t fare as well but I wasn\u2019t about to share that information!\u00a0 After checking me over for new bruises and to determine if I\u2019d messed up anything else on my person, he reassured Pa that I didn\u2019t appear any worse for wear.\u00a0 But when Doc got done prodding and poking my back I turned and noticed he had a strange look in his eyes.\u00a0 Pa noticed it as well and asked Doc what was wrong \u201cnow\u201d?\u00a0 He said that my spine looked different somehow.\u00a0 Not \u201cbad\u201d different, just different.\u00a0 Then he asked how my pain was doing and that\u2019s when I told him that I thought that it was a little better.\u00a0 Pa stared straight at me and asked if I was telling the truth.\u00a0 Would I lie?\u00a0 Well, yeah I would, but I wasn\u2019t, not then at least.\u00a0 Pa told Doc about my fall and how I landed and he thought there just might be a chance that I straightened out some of my issues when I took that tumble.\u00a0 He said he couldn\u2019t swear to it, but my spine looked more in alignment than it had since the accident.\u00a0 Pa\u2019s eyes teared up and I thought that we\u2019d have another incident like we did on the stairs.\u00a0 But, he got a grip and simply said that he hoped so and then the two of them left.\u00a0 I knew that meant that they were going into \u201cconference\u201d and discuss me.\u00a0 Well, I made it out into the hall almost as quickly as they did and it caught them off guard.\u00a0 My smile caught them off guard too because instead of the normal intense grimace I usually wear after I walk I had a smile on my face.\u00a0 Both of them broke out grinning and shoed me back into my room.<\/p>\n ************************<\/p>\n I won\u2019t be writing in here too often though I\u2019ve appreciated having myself to talk to through all of this agony.\u00a0 I don\u2019t know how I could\u2019ve handled it without some outlet and this was it.\u00a0 I\u2019m starting on small chores this week and I\u2019ve been outside walking every day.\u00a0 I can\u2019t say that I\u2019m pain free but I sure feel better than I have in months!\u00a0 I don\u2019t know if this was all due to that fall or not.\u00a0 Heck it could\u2019ve been Pa working his magic as far as I know.\u00a0 Whatever it was, including lots of prayers by everyone I know, and I admit to saying a lot more in the last couple of weeks, anyway I am on my way back.\u00a0 I sure as heck won\u2019t be sitting a bronc any time soon, but that will come in time.\u00a0 But, when it does I will take my father\u2019s advice and I will have wranglers there to help if I get in a bind.\u00a0 I threw those two things at the end here in case my Pa is actually reading this journal when I go to sleep.\u00a0 If you are, Pa — thanks \u2013 you\u2019re the best! (P.S. I\u2019ll never ever ride Mockery again even if I could find him!)<\/p>\n The End<\/p>\n Written by Wrangler (from an old draft from 2002) reformatted \u00a06-14-25<\/p>\n <\/p>\n