Summary: Adam carries a self-enforced burden of guilt, haunted by memories of the past that are dredged to the surface by Delphine\u2019s death.<\/p>\n
Rating: T (violence)
\nWord Count: 6823<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
A cry violently split the night\u2019s silence and pulled Ben from his bed. He reached for his robe while his feet were propelled by instinct towards Little Joe\u2019s room. It was a shock to be met in the doorway by his youngest son. Together they moved as one towards another bedroom, and a second son was quickly behind them. Ben found his eldest drenched in sweat, shaking as he gasped for air. For a split second he was dumbstruck at finding Adam in such a vulnerable state. Level-headed and rational, he rarely suffered from nightmares, unlike Joe, who seemed to be plagued by them.<\/p>\n
The trio moved further into the bedroom, with Hoss and Ben instinctively performing their roles the way they did for Joe. The worried brother worked to light the lamp and cast away the darkness. Ben went immediately to his boy\u2019s side, needing no light to guide him, and put a soothing hand on Adam\u2019s forehead to brush away stray curls and murmured his name.<\/p>\n
\u201cStop,\u201d Adam grumbled, over looking at Hoss. \u201cI don\u2019t\u2014Hoss don\u2019t<\/em>.\u201d He shook his head as his younger brother proceeded to light the lamp. \u201cGo back to bed; all of you. I\u2019m fine.\u201d\u00a0 Though he tried to sound commanding, there was the barest hint of a tremble in Adam\u2019s tone.<\/p>\n Taking in the pallor of Adam\u2019s skin and the shadow in his eyes, Ben\u2019s brows knit together. \u201cAre you?\u201d he questioned bluntly. \u201cYou\u2019re awfully pale. Is it your arm?\u201d The recent gunshot wound had to be painful. During the day Adam had his arm in a sling, but at night he took it off. \u201cPull it funny? Roll onto it?\u201d Ben ignored the pointed look of annoyance his eldest gave him, determined to get to the truth of the matter.<\/p>\n For a moment, Joe stood off to the side, letting Pa and Hoss take the lead. He was typically the one that needed soothing, but he wanted to help Adam if he could. Yet Joe couldn\u2019t help grinning as Adam\u2019s lips thinned in frustration and he remained stubbornly quiet. \u201cNow isn\u2019t that just like our older brother?\u201d Joe asked, glancing in Hoss\u2019s direction. He sat down on the bed, continuing to grin. \u201cRefuses to admit he just might be vulnerable now and again like the rest of us. Always so stoic and rational. Pain? What pain? Never met her. Or him,\u201d Joe teased.<\/p>\n Adam put his head back and stared at the ceiling, as if praying for patience.<\/p>\n \u201cStubborn and ornery as a mule, too. And he calls Hoss a Missouri mule. I think that\u2019s real unfair of him, don\u2019t you?\u201d Joe looked at the others one by one. \u201cNow just tell us what\u2019s wrong Adam and let us help.\u201d<\/p>\n Moving his gaze away from the ceiling, Adam looked at Joe, then at Pa, his eyes desperate. \u201cSomeone get him out of here before I give in to the urge to commit fratricide,\u201d he groaned.<\/p>\n The triumph Joe felt at getting Adam to talk was diminished somewhat by what was said. \u201cHuh?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m pretty sure he wants to strangle you, little brother,\u201d Hoss laughed. \u201cC\u2019mon, we got a full day tomorrow. Let Pa and Adam talk themselves silly if they\u2019ve a mind to.\u201d He helpfully yanked Joe off the bed and propelled him towards the door.<\/p>\n Adam shook his head as Joe complained all the way back to his own room, a ghost of a smile on his face. It disappeared as he realized Pa wasn\u2019t moving. \u201cI\u2019m fine,\u201d he tried yet again.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019ll get you some warm milk,\u201d Ben decided. \u201cIt\u2019ll help you sleep.\u201d He returned after a short time, pleased to see a bit of color had returned to Adam\u2019s face.<\/p>\n The sight of the two mugs in Pa\u2019s hands drew a sigh from his eldest. \u201cI\u2019m not getting rid of you then.\u201d<\/p>\n Ben chuckled and passed one to him before pulling a chair up beside the bed. Settling himself comfortably in it, he took a sip of the milk and nodded. The temperature was just right. \u201cNo, I\u2019m afraid not, son,\u201d he responded at last. \u201cYou don\u2019t have nightmares like this unless you\u2019re running a high fever. At least not since you were a little boy on the trail anyway.\u201d Ben smiled a bit as he recalled comforting Adam back when he was small enough to hold and rock.<\/p>\n Adam, too, recalled such times. \u201cI didn\u2019t always know what caused those nightmares. The great unknown, perhaps. Uncertainty that we\u2019d find what we were looking for.\u201d<\/p>\n Ben considered his words while taking another drink. \u201cOr that we wouldn\u2019t all make it?\u201d He watched as Adam\u2019s gaze dropped to the mug in his hands before he nodded almost imperceptibly. \u201cI wonder\u2026 might your troubled dreams tonight have something to do with tomorrow?\u201d When the younger man\u2019s whole body went rigid, Ben knew he was right. \u201cIt\u2019s not wrong to mourn your friends, son. In whatever form that grief might come. You knew Ross and Delphine since you were between hay and grass,\u201d he pointed out. \u201cAnd the circumstances were particularly tragic. I know people around town haven\u2019t been kind either.\u201d<\/p>\n Adam gave a humorless chuckle. \u201cThat\u2019s a bit of an understatement. At this rate, we might be the only mourners in attendance. Half of Virginia City is furious that Ross is being given a decent funeral rather than be treated like a wife-beating, cattle rustling, murderer. There\u2019s no convincing them that he was ill, regardless of what Paul and I say. The other half is incensed that I\u2019m insisting Del be buried alongside him. I\u2019m somewhat surprised no one\u2019s strung me up by this point.\u201d<\/p>\n The older man winced, knowing emotions were running high in Virginia City and Adam was bearing the brunt of it. \u201cWe stand by your decisions. They loved each other for so much of their lives, still loved each other. Ross was sick, but he came back to himself. I think it\u2019s right that they be together in the end. If we are the only ones who show for their funeral\u2026\u201d He sighed and shook his head. \u201cTheir friends will have to justify that to themselves.\u201d<\/p>\n After taking a long drink from the mug, Adam gave his father an appreciative look. His family was always beside him. \u201cIt\u2019s my fault though, all of it,\u201d he confessed quietly. \u201cI left Del alone and unprotected. I knew better and still I did it. If I hadn\u2019t done that, maybe the gunfight with Ross could have been avoided. I let him kill her Pa. That\u2019s what my nightmare was about.\u201d<\/p>\n The mug in Ben\u2019s hand paused halfway to his lips. \u201cYour fault?\u201d he repeated. \u201cAdam, what are you talking about? Did you tell him to kill her? How did you contribute to her death? He was ill, Adam, and he appeared to be getting better! You couldn\u2019t know differently. Not even Paul could anticipate or understand him. You can\u2019t blame yourself,\u201d Ben argued urgently.<\/p>\n \u201cI left her alone, and he knew where she was. That was enough,\u201d Adam stated firmly. \u201cAfter Audrey Neely, I knew better, and I did it anyway.\u201d His eyes took on a haunted, faraway look as memories washed over him.<\/p>\n *****<\/p>\n The Cartwright family sat around the table, passing food around to fill their plates. Ben poured himself a cup of coffee and offered some to Adam, passing his eldest a cup when he received a nod. \u201cDid you have a good day at school, boys?\u201d Ben asked conversationally.<\/p>\n A little too <\/em>conversational for Adam\u2019s liking. His eyes narrowed at each of his younger brothers in turn, trying to decipher what they\u2019d done and how Pa heard about it already. Little Joe, the picture of cherubic innocence at just six, brightened at the question. That made Adam suspicious. Hoss, on the other hand, was picking at his food rather than eating with his usual gusto. That was extremely unusual behavior. Hardly anything put Hoss off a meal. It could be either one of them<\/em>. He braced for the potential of shouting at the table.<\/p>\n \u201cI did real good on my recitin\u2019 today, Pa,\u201d the boy reported.<\/p>\n \u201cDon\u2019t talk with your mouth full, Joseph,\u201d Ben reminded him. \u201cI\u2019m glad to hear that. You\u2019re coming along nicely with your poem for the school program then?\u201d<\/p>\n Little Joe nodded, delaying a verbal response in favor of a dumpling. \u201cYes, sir. Mrs. Neely was real happy. She says she\u2019s proud of everybody.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cAnd how about you, Hoss?\u201d Ben watched his middle son push food around his plate and frowned. \u201cDid you get a chance to run your lines with the others?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI did,\u201d Hoss confirmed. \u201cI\u2019m glad I don\u2019t got many.\u201d He was a reluctant participant in the program the school was putting on for the community. Being cast as King George III with only a few lines suited him just fine. The others, playing colonists acting out American history, had more to memorize.<\/p>\n \u201cSounds as though you\u2019re making excellent progress then. Everyone will be very impressed with the program in a few weeks, I\u2019m sure,\u201d Ben smiled. \u201cWere you kept after today for practice? I noticed you came back later than usual.<\/p>\n Yep, Pa had \u2018em.<\/em> Adam shot his brothers a warning look, trying to tell them with his eyes to just confess now. There was a chance that dinner might continue in peace if they did so. Then again, given how little Hoss was eating, it was probably bad. Having issued his silent warning, Adam could only shake his head. Someday those two would learn, but not soon enough.<\/p>\n \u201cOh no, Pa. I was cleaning the erasers for Mrs. Neely,\u201d Joe explained. \u201cAnd Hoss was sweepin\u2019 the floors. That\u2019s why we were late.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYes, I gathered you had done the erasers,\u201d Ben admitted. \u201cConsidering you came home covered in the dust. Now just what were you two doing that got you kept after doing chores? I\u2019d rather you tell me than play find and seek in your saddle bags for a letter.\u201d He gave them stern looks, expecting an honest response. To Ben\u2019s shock, his warning prompted no squirming in chairs or confessions either.<\/p>\n \u201cIt weren\u2019t like that Pa\u2014\u201d Hoss began, looking earnestly as his father.<\/p>\n \u201cWasn\u2019t,\u201d Adam corrected.<\/p>\n Hoss continued. \u201cMrs. Neely\u2019s hand is busted up. Some of the things she does round school were hard without both hands. Joe and me and a few others helped \u2018fore we left. If it\u2019s alright, we\u2019ll probably do that until her hand is better. There weren\u2019t time to ask today.\u201d<\/p>\n The explanation was not the one Ben expected, though it didn\u2019t surprise him that the students were eager to help Mrs. Neely. She was good at teaching and connecting with her students. That was one of the reasons the school board had unanimously voted to reinstate her when she asked, despite being married. The decision was an easy one as the former Miss Sims was one of the best teachers Virginia City ever had. They were glad to have her back and allowing her to teach was about the only worthwhile thing Bertram Neely had done for her. He ended up being such a coffee boiler that the town gossips had taken to calling Audrey the Widow Neely behind her back.<\/p>\n Ben rewarded his boys with a smile. \u201cThat was very thoughtful of you two. I\u2019m proud of you for sharing in the responsibilities of caring for your school and helping your teacher. Of course you may stay after and help for as long as she needs it. Now that I know, I won\u2019t worry or suspect misbehavior. Though try to leave at least some<\/em> of the chalk dust in the school yard, Little Joe,\u201d he winked. \u201cHop Sing won\u2019t appreciate it all over the house.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWe could always throw him in the trough for you Pa,\u201d Adam offered. He gave Joe a rather feral grin that made the little boy giggle. He\u2019d miss that laugh, and even Joe\u2019s mischief, when he went away to college in a few months. \u201cRight Hoss?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYeah, sure,\u201d Hoss agreed. He was about as interested in brotherly banter as he was in food at the moment. \u201cMay I be excused Pa?\u201d<\/p>\n Brows knitting at the amount of food left on the plate, Ben gave his son an appraising look. \u201cAren\u2019t you feeling well?\u201d<\/p>\n The blonde shook his head as he tried to avoid Pa\u2019s eyes. \u201cTired is all.\u201d Hoss felt his father\u2019s piercing gaze bore through him for what felt like an eternity. Relief flooded through him when Pa gave in.<\/p>\n \u201cSee that your chores are done and then I expect to see you in your room resting if not sleeping,\u201d Ben relented. \u201cIf you\u2019re not up to eating then I suspect you are coming down with something. Extra sleep will be good for you.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYes, sir,\u201d Hoss answered. He didn\u2019t wait for Pa to change his mind and practically bolted from the table.<\/p>\n Adam\u2019s eyes narrowed as he followed his brother\u2019s retreating form. Pa might be content to leave it as it was, but he had a gut feeling that something was bothering his brother. Granted, it could be just about anything. A dead bird they saw on the way home from school, for example, was enough to put Hoss off his feed. Hoss felt everything deeply in both the natural and the human world and at times that could be overwhelming for his younger brother.\u00a0 Adam resolved to discreetly check on him later.<\/p>\n He stopped outside Hoss\u2019s door that night before going to his own. Not wanting to wake Hoss should he be asleep Adam quietly opened the door a bit to peek in. He saw his brother\u2019s head rise from the pillow and stepped inside. Without a word, Adam closed the door and began to light the lamp. He kept the wick low, allowing just enough light to let them see one another clearly but not so much that it drew attention. Leaning his back against the door, Adam caught Hoss\u2019s eyes. They were filled with turmoil. \u201cTell me.\u201d<\/p>\n Hoss wanted to. Oh, how he did! His thoughts were all tangled up like a fishing net and he wasn\u2019t certain what exactly he\u2019d be telling. Or if anything should be said in the first place as it wasn\u2019t meant for anyone to hear. Rather than give in to the quiet request, Hoss rolled onto his side away from Adam. \u201cOh, go away. Ain\u2019t nothing.\u201d<\/p>\n Dark eyebrows shot upward as Hoss turned his back, but Adam wasn\u2019t deterred. He moved over to the bed and put his hand on the boy\u2019s shoulder, pushing him onto his back. \u201cDon\u2019t tell me that it\u2019s nothing. You\u2019re off your feed and I\u2019m not buying the idea you\u2019re coming down with something. Pa might, but I don\u2019t.\u201d Adam was using his stern big brother tone now, the one Hoss rarely ever disobeyed. \u201cI know you, little brother, and I know when you\u2019re hiding something. When you\u2019re worried and it\u2019s eatin\u2019 you up inside. There\u2019s no sense to it Hoss. Tell me. Now.\u201d<\/p>\n There was an implicit threat behind that tone which Hoss recognized: or I\u2019ll make you. <\/em>He hadn\u2019t tested Adam on it very often, but the few times he had, Adam followed through. That wasn\u2019t what prompted Hoss to open up. He needed help with those tangled thoughts and there was no one better than Adam for that, except Pa.<\/p>\n \u201cWhy would somebody\u2019s Pa say they cain\u2019t come home?\u201d<\/p>\n Frowning, Adam sat down on the bed beside him. \u201cA good pa wouldn\u2019t,\u201d he responded immediately. \u201cOur Pa\u2019d never say that to us. Not ever. Why do you ask? Is one of your friends in trouble?\u201d Adam tried to think of anyone they knew who might be cruel enough to cast their own child out of the house and no one came to mind. He didn\u2019t know all the school children though. New families were coming to Virginia City fairly regularly these days.<\/p>\n Hoss shook his head. \u201cMrs. Neely\u2019s pa told her. He came to the school when me and Little Joe were helping after lessons. I didn\u2019t mean ta listen, but I come in to bring the dustpan back and they was talking. I didn\u2019t wanna interrupt and I heard them.\u201d<\/p>\n That\u2019s why he didn\u2019t talk to Pa<\/em>, Adam realized. Pa took a firm line on eavesdropping. \u201cThat\u2019s a little different,\u201d he began to explain. \u201cMrs. Neely is married. When you\u2019re married, you live with your husband or your wife.\u201d Of course, there were circumstances where couples lived with in-laws after marriage, but telling Hoss that could complicate things. \u201cI\u2019m sure you just misunderstood.\u201d\u00a0 Expecting his brother to feel a bit better, Adam was alarmed when Hoss grew more upset.<\/p>\n \u201cYou don\u2019t understand. She was cryin\u2019 Adam,\u201d the boy went on. \u201cAnd Mr. Sims was real angry. He said something about makin\u2019 her bed and staying in it now and ta just stay out of Mr. Neely\u2019s way. Ta stop provoking him. What\u2019s that mean?\u201d Hoss cocked his head to the side a bit. \u201cProvoking?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cTo make someone upset or angry. Usually on purpose,\u201d Adam murmured almost off handedly. He felt his stomach drop as he fully processed the conversation Hoss was recounting. \u201cWhat happened next?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cSomethin\u2019 about no more notes to the house in case she upset her ma. Then he left and Mrs. Neely tried to clean her face. I went back out real quiet and waited a little bit \u2018fore I came in again so she didn\u2019t know I heard. Then we finished cleaning and came home,\u201d Hoss concluded.<\/p>\n \u201cYou said Mrs. Neely hurt her hand?\u201d<\/p>\n Hoss nodded.<\/p>\n \u201cHas she hurt herself before?\u201d<\/p>\n The boy frowned in thought for a moment. \u201cNot her hand before. She burnt her arm on the stove. That\u2019s real easy to do, happens ta me almost every time I help Hop Sing,\u201d Hoss confessed. \u201cMrs. Neely was limping bad one day, too. And she goes like this a lot with her clothes.\u201d He pulled the collar of his nightshirt up tighter and tugged at the sleeves to make them longer.<\/p>\n Covering bruises?<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cMebbe her clothes are itchy,\u201d Hoss suggested. The hopefulness of his tone didn\u2019t quite match the look on his face. \u201cIs somebody hurtin\u2019 Mrs. Neely?\u201d<\/p>\n You\u2019re too smart for your own good,<\/em> Adam thought. \u201cI\u2019m not sure,\u201d he admitted. \u201cBut I\u2019m going to find out. I\u2019m glad you told me.\u201d<\/p>\n Hoss\u2019s eyes grew wide as saucers. \u201cYou won\u2019t tell Pa?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cAbout you eavesdropping?\u201d Adam shook his head. \u201cStays between us. Now, get some sleep. A great, big breakfast will be waiting for you in the morning. Hop Sing will want to make sure he fills you up good and proper.\u201d He tousled Hoss\u2019s hair and rose to blow out the lamp, retiring to his own room. Adam had no plans to sleep just yet. There was too much on his mind.<\/p>\n By morning, Adam had a plan. Or at least an idea. It was something more than he\u2019d had when talking to Hoss the night before at any rate. Of course it hinged on Mrs. Neely agreeing to, a) his help and b) coming to stay at the Ponderosa. Once she heard him out and they planned a day for him to help her leave, Adam could square things with Pa. Unlike Mr. Sims, who cold-heartedly refused his own daughter\u2019s pleas, Pa wouldn\u2019t refuse Audrey Neely shelter. Pa will advise her on what to do next<\/em>, he thought. He\u2019ll know just what to do. <\/em><\/p>\n With that in mind, he took the buckboard into Virginia City to pick up supplies, intending to make a stop at the schoolhouse. Adam made sure to leave early, before anyone else was up for breakfast, so there was time to talk privately. He didn\u2019t want to be in the middle of their conversation when students began arriving and stopped at the school before going to the mercantile. School had a start time, loading supplies didn\u2019t.<\/p>\n Noting the door was partially open when he arrived, Adam tied the horses to the fence and made his way to the building. He took off his hat and knocked lightly to signal his presence rather than barge in. Adam winced as he watched Mrs. Neely jump out of her skin and whirl around with wide, frightened eyes. \u201cGood morning, Mrs. Neely,\u201d he greeted her.<\/p>\n Blushing furiously, she returned his greeting and added a smile. \u201cI\u2019ve told you a thousand times, surely, that you\u2019re allowed to call me Audrey now.\u201d<\/p>\n Though they weren\u2019t far apart in age, old habits die hard. Adam shook his head. \u201cDoesn\u2019t sit right,\u201d he grinned. Miss Sims, as she was then, became the teacher in time for his final term of school before Adam started working full-time on the Ponderosa.<\/p>\n \u201cYou aren\u2019t here to check up on Hoss and Little Joe, are you?\u201d she asked. \u201cI offered to send a note home for your father to explain but Little Joe refused it in very strong terms.\u201d<\/p>\n Adam laughed. \u201cI\u2019ll just bet he did. Notes being sent home are generally not appreciated because they are usually bringing tales of misbehavior. He\u2019s settling though,\u201d he acknowledged. \u201cBut no, I wasn\u2019t here to check up on them.\u201d He cleared his throat, finding the words sticking a bit now that the moment was here. Then Adam watched Audrey tug a bit on her sleeve, almost unknowingly.<\/p>\n \u201cI think you need help,\u201d he blurted out.<\/p>\n Audrey\u2019s brow furrowed. \u201cSorry? I mean, if you\u2019re offering to help around here until my hand heals, that\u2019s very sweet and I thank you. The children and I are more than capable of managing. I\u2019m certain you have more important things to do anyway.\u201d<\/p>\n Moving slowly, Adam closed the distance between them and looked into her eyes. \u201cAnd when he breaks the other hand?\u201d<\/p>\n She sucked in a breath at his bluntness.<\/p>\n \u201cI know you asked for help, and I know your pa said no.\u201d When Audrey looked confused, Adam went on. \u201cLittle ears overheard by mistake. The boy attached to them was worried about you; scared for you.\u201d<\/p>\n She turned away, her face burning with shame. \u201cAnd told everyone.\u201d Audrey hated the thought of that.<\/p>\n \u201cJust me,\u201d Adam hurried to assure her. \u201cThe shame isn\u2019t yours. A real man doesn\u2019t do this to someone he loves. Let me help you. We can get some of your things and you can come to the Ponderosa for a while. Pa won\u2019t turn you away.\u201d<\/p>\n She bit her lip, uncertain whether she should trust the small spark of hope that came to life inside her. With her own family refusing assistance, Audrey knew her options were limited. She wasn\u2019t sure there was actually anything the Cartwrights might be able to do for her. At least that was the impression her father had left her with, that there was no recourse of any kind and no refuge with her family either.<\/p>\n \u201cIs there a time he\u2019s regularly gone from your place?\u201d Adam prompted. \u201cSomething he\u2019s been planning to do that he might be encouraged to go to and give us an opening to get your things and leave?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cToday\u2019s payday,\u201d Audrey recalled suddenly. \u201cBert said he was going to get my pay and go look at some cattle. He wouldn\u2019t be back until late, but I should wait up for him. He\u2019d be hungry when he got home.\u201d<\/p>\n Feeling a sense of urgency, Adam jumped at the opening Mr. Neely\u2019s absence gave them. \u201cWe\u2019ll do it today then, while he\u2019s gone. Go home right after dismissal and pack your things. I\u2019ll meet you there at four,\u201d he promised. When her eyes grew warm and bright with the spark of hope, Adam knew he was doing the right thing.<\/p>\n \u201cYou\u2019re certain your father won\u2019t mind? I don\u2019t know what Bert will do when he comes home and I\u2019m gone,\u201d Audrey warned.<\/p>\n \u201cI doubt the first place he\u2019ll think to look is the Ponderosa. In any case, I\u2019ll let Pa know and we\u2019ll be ready.\u201d The sounds of children approaching the school yard put an end to anything else they might say. Adam gave Audrey a reassuring smile and made his exit, waving a greeting to his brothers as they arrived via pony and horse respectively. Somehow it didn\u2019t surprise him that Joe was too interested in socializing to do more than shout a greeting and start stabling his pony.<\/p>\n Unlike their baby brother, Hoss was far more interested in what Adam was up to, given their conversation last night. Before he could ask any questions, Adam held up a hand and motioned for Hoss to follow him. Quickly, Hoss tethered his horse and followed his older brother to where the buckboard was waiting.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019ve got a plan.\u201d Adam kept his voice low, ensuring the conversation stayed between the two of them, and filled Hoss in. \u201cI just need to get the supplies and head back to the Ponderosa so I can let Pa know.\u201d<\/p>\n Hoss frowned. \u201cPa rode out when we did. One of the hands came in during breakfast, talking about some fencing near one of the rocky areas in the new pasture that\u2019s come loose. Pa was worried about cattle getting out and bustin\u2019 their legs.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019ll catch him at some point today,\u201d Adam replied confidently. \u201cI need to get to the mercantile and you need to get inside before the bell rings. See ya later.\u201d He slapped his brother lightly on the shoulder before untethering the horses. Just before Adam left, he looked towards the schoolhouse and watched the youngest children hurry to greet Audrey as she came to stand in the doorway. Adam would always remember the way she looked with an arm around Susie Perkins as the little girl and her friends offered up bunches of wildflowers to brighten their teacher\u2019s desk. He didn\u2019t know it was the last time he\u2019d see her alive.<\/p>\n Despite his best efforts, Adam was never able to catch up with Ben that day. He went alone in a buggy to collect Audrey from the Neely place only to find her husband, Bertram, home and raging. There was never any intention to purchase stock for the small ranch. Her pay was spent on rot gut whiskey that Bertram consumed at an alarming rate while taking pot shots at any critter that moved.<\/p>\n Managing to bag a few rabbits, Bertram, still drunk, returned home to find his wife throwing her belongings into a carpet bag. By the time Adam arrived, Audrey was lying in a pool of blood on the floor, her clothes scattered around her. His memories started to grow hazy after that. Adam recalled yelling her name and going to her side, feeling for a pulse. Then he remembered trying to pick her up, seeing her face battered beyond recognition, and sudden, blinding pain.<\/p>\n Later, much later, Adam learned that Bertram cracked him across the head with his rifle and it was no small miracle he survived with only a serious concussion. A feeling deep in Hoss\u2019s bones propelled him to drag Little Joe to see Sheriff Coffee after school and share Adam\u2019s plans with the lawman. Taking Hoss\u2019s concern seriously, Roy had ridden hard towards the Neely place. Bertram was a violent man, made worse with drink, and Roy feared what he might find on arrival.<\/p>\n Roy spared Adam the most gruesome details when he visited and tried to help the boy fill in the missing pieces of that day. The sheriff found Bertram beating Adam and Audrey with his fists as they lied unmoving on the floor. The enraged man drew his weapon on the lawman and the sheriff had no choice but to shoot in self-defense. Despite putting Adam and Audrey into the buggy and driving as fast as he dared, Audrey succumbed to her injuries. Roy couldn\u2019t even be certain she was alive when he put her in the wagon, he\u2019d been that frantic to get them to Paul Martin.<\/p>\n *****<\/p>\n Adam shook his head as though physically dismissing the memories. There was no missing the worried look on Pa\u2019s face and he gave the older man a bit of a smile; it didn\u2019t quite reach his eyes. \u201cThanks for the milk, Pa.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cAnd for stayin\u2019 when you really wanted to boot me out the door?\u201d Ben smiled warmly at his oldest.<\/p>\n Chuckling, Adam nodded. \u201cThat, too. Never am sure which of us will win in a contest of stubbornness. We\u2019re too evenly matched.\u201d He drank a bit more of the warm milk and allowed himself to take a moment to enjoy the type of tender care he so rarely permitted his father to give him.<\/p>\n \u201cAdam, you know I would\u2019ve\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI know,\u201d Adam assured his father. He stared pensively at the milk that remained in his mug before finishing the drink.<\/p>\n \u201cYou\u2019re so hard on yourself,\u201d Ben murmured, sadness tinging his tone. \u201cI wish I had the wisdom, the words, to chase the shadows of guilt from your eyes. But only you can convince yourself that you did all that you were humanly capable of, for Audrey and Delphine both. I\u2019m sorry I can\u2019t make you see that.\u201d<\/p>\n The regret in his father\u2019s voice pulled Adam\u2019s eyes back towards Ben\u2019s. \u201cThanks anyway Pa.\u201d<\/p>\n Ben leaned forward, brushing a lock of dark hair from Adam\u2019s forehead. Things were so much easier when Adam was a little boy whose worries could be allayed by holding him tight. A grown man\u2019s inner turmoil could not be so readily soothed. \u201cThink you\u2019ll be able to sleep now?\u201d<\/p>\n Though he wasn\u2019t at all sure, Adam nodded just the same. He told Pa goodnight, watching him gather the mugs and turn down the lamp until only the barest glow remained. Waiting until Pa\u2019s footsteps faded away, Adam raised the lamp\u2019s wick high enough to allow him to read, but only just. The book on his nightstand served as his silent, unjudging companion until nearly dawn.<\/p>\n Breakfast the following morning was unnaturally quiet. Adam picked at his food, feeling the lack of sleep and the drain on his emotions keenly. Hoss and Joe tried at first to keep up the usual banter at the table but quickly stopped. Adam was not in the mood and Pa, worried about Adam, didn\u2019t talk much either. They collectively ate enough to keep Hop Sing happy, even if he did fuss at Adam.<\/p>\n \u201cWill one of you help me saddle Sport?\u201d Adam asked his brothers. His arm still in a sling made some tasks beyond his one-armed capabilities at present.<\/p>\n Ben shook his head as Joe and Hoss stood up from their chairs. \u201cYou\u2019re not riding Adam. Paul said you were supposed to be taking it easy with that arm and riding wasn\u2019t what he had in mind. I haven\u2019t forgotten that fact, young man. One of us will take you in our buggy.\u201d<\/p>\n If there was anything Adam hated, it was being told no<\/em> in conjunction with the words young man<\/em>. The younger brothers exchanged a look as Adam appeared ready to protest loudly. Their older brother had always been a miserable patient. They all were, but whomever was sick or healing now was deemed the worst of all.<\/p>\n Ever the peace maker, Hoss tried to end the coming argument before it began. \u201cC\u2019mon out to the barn with me Adam. Sport\u2019ll be glad to see you while I get that rig hitched up for us.\u201d He put a hand on Adam\u2019s shoulder and gently steered him towards the door. Once they were outside, Hoss chuckled and shook his head. \u201cYou know Pa\u2019s worse than a mother hen when any of us is hurt.\u201d He wisely refrained from mentioning that Pa was more worried than usual given Adam woke him up the night before. \u201cLet him have his fuss,\u201d Hoss advised. \u201c\u2019fore he starts hollering.\u201d When Adam gave a frustrated sigh in agreement, Hoss squeezed his shoulder in a show of support.<\/p>\n Adam\u2019s mood improved just on seeing Sport. \u201cWe\u2019ll be riding and working again soon,\u201d he promised the horse.<\/p>\n Joe entered the barn and went to straight to Cochise\u2019s stall. He glanced over at Adam and offered a smile. \u201cWant me to give Sport a run later? Hey, you oughta seen the look on Pa\u2019s face after you left.\u201d He let out a low whistle. \u201cClose call there older brother. Yikes.\u201d Joe laughed as Adam glowered at him. \u201cYou can\u2019t fault me for enjoying the fact that for once I wasn\u2019t the one getting him riled up at breakfast.\u201d<\/p>\n Adam snorted, knowing there was a lot of truth in Joe\u2019s words. \u201cI might take you up on that offer to run Sport. No sense in us both going crazy. Keep in mind that I\u2019ll skin you alive if he gets hurt.\u201d A feral look accompanied the warning.<\/p>\n \u201cHoss! Adam\u2019s threatening me!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cJoe, I ain\u2019t Pa and I ain\u2019t getting in the middle of this neither,\u201d Hoss decided. \u201cYou fellas need to sort out your own problems sometimes.\u201d<\/p>\n The response caught Adam and Joe so off guard that they were silent for several seconds before laughing. Hoss joined in with his great chortle. Laughing felt good. For a moment, it even chased away the guilt Adam felt deep inside. The respite did not last long. The feeling returned, growing heavier as each mile to town passed.<\/p>\n *****<\/p>\n Ben frowned at the scant number of mourners in attendance. He hoped the good people of Virginia City might see their way to showing up for Delphine at the very least, regardless of their thoughts about Ross. Or, more important to Ben\u2019s mind, come in support of Adam who was burying his best friend.<\/p>\n Best friends,<\/em> Ben corrected himself. Once Delphine and Ross had taken up with one another, the threesome had been inseparable. More than once Ross had mentioned to Ben that half of each letter Adam sent him from college was dedicated to things he should tell Delphine on Adam\u2019s behalf. Ben smiled to himself at how Adam carefully guarded Del\u2019s reputation, and her relationship with Ross, in that way. This was truly a tragedy, not just for the couple being buried today, but for Adam, too. Knowing it brought up painful memories and guilt from his son\u2019s younger days only made Ben worry more. He\u2019d have to keep a close eye on the boy. Make certain he didn\u2019t shut himself away and try to box up his grief.<\/p>\n Most eyes were on Adam throughout the service. Some were concerned, like his family; others were curious or even angry. No one said anything to him, and Adam was glad. He had no clue Ben was giving out some evil eyes of his own to anyone that looked like they might even be thinking<\/em> about it. Though brief, the service was a nice one, but no one chose to linger afterwards except for the Cartwrights. Ben took the time to thank the reverend as the small group scattered.<\/p>\n Standing a foot or so behind and to the right of his brother, Hoss tried to give Adam space as he approached the fresh graves with a bouquet of flowers. After a quiet moment or two, Adam turned to him and held out the flowers.<\/p>\n \u201cTake one out of there, will you? Carefully. A yellow one,\u201d Adam instructed. \u201cHold on to it for a minute.\u201d Being down an arm was really starting to grate on his nerves.<\/p>\n Hoss frowned. \u201cYou want me to pull one out?\u201d Adam repeated his instructions, with a touch of irritation in his voice, and Hoss did as he asked. The prettiest evening primrose was gently extracted, leaving the rest of the colorful bouquet intact. Hoss held on to the delicate flower and stepped back a respectable distance as Adam knelt by Delphine\u2019s grave and laid the flowers on it, saying a few quiet words. At last Adam got to his feet. He turned to Hoss, held his hand out for the primrose, and silently walked off across the cemetery.<\/p>\n Joe frowned. \u201cWhere\u2019s he going?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cUnfinished business,\u201d Ben replied simply.<\/p>\n *****<\/p>\n It took Adam the better part of twenty minutes to find her. Once he did, Adam placed the single evening primrose on the grave and silently berated himself. In all the years that had passed, he never made the time to pay his respects to Audrey. He was determined to correct that oversight today. At first, Adam stayed away because he had to. Several days spent hovering too close to death\u2019s door for comfort kept the entire family from Audrey\u2019s funeral. Recovery from the concussion was slower than Adam wanted and when he felt like himself again, life intervened. He left for college and packaged up the ordeal as neatly as his luggage, tucking it away deep inside.<\/p>\n As time went on, the guilt eased up some and the freshness of the incident faded. It became a shadow or strange weight in his chest from time to time rather than something that threatened to consume him. Then Adam missed the signs of Ross\u2019s illness, misjudged the extent of it once he was aware, and Delphine paid the price. Everything he felt when Audrey died was back, compounded by Delphine and Ross. Adam was so deep in his internal self-loathing that he never heard Hoss come to stand beside him.<\/p>\n \u201cYou was dreaming about her last night. Or her and Delphine both mebbe.\u201d Hoss didn\u2019t expect a response, an admittance of weakness from Adam. The other man did give an ever-so-slight nod of confirmation that took Hoss by surprise. \u201cAin\u2019t never seen anyone carry guilt the way you do. Take on blame that don\u2019t belong to you in the first place,\u201d Hoss continued.<\/p>\n \u201cI remember that day, after you left the school. Mrs. Neely was different. She was\u2014I guess you\u2019d say lively again, the way she was \u2018fore she got married. Had a smile on her face, a real one, and a fire in her eyes. I knew you\u2019d put it there because she weren\u2019t alone anymore. There was hope in her, Adam. You couldn\u2019ta known, either of you, that he was gonna be there, all hat and no cattle like always. You weren\u2019t no older than Little Joe is now,\u201d Hoss pointed out. \u201cWould you want him blaming hisself all his life when he did the best he knew how?\u201d<\/p>\n After a moment\u2019s pause, Adam shook his head.<\/p>\n \u201cThat\u2019s right,\u201d Hoss agreed. \u201cYou got some mighty high standards for yourself; too high. I hate to break it to you, Adam, but you\u2019re jest human. Same as the rest of us. Ain\u2019t no fault to be found in that.\u201d<\/p>\n Said by anyone else, those words might be a jibe with the potential to cut him to the quick. From Hoss, who felt as deeply as Adam did and showed it easier, the words were plain truth, spoken quietly in a tone that held empathy. A message that Adam should forgive himself, given in just the right way. And without warm milk<\/em>, he thought wryly. Somehow his wise brother always knew what he needed to hear. Hoss had a knack for that.<\/p>\n Hoss cocked his head to the side a bit as his brother\u2019s face softened in a way he hadn\u2019t seen in some time. \u201cWhy are you lookin\u2019 at me like that?\u201d he asked.<\/p>\n \u201cYou remind me of her in times like this. When you know just the right words and how to say them. You remind me of Inger. She left that gift with you,\u201d Adam explained. \u201cShe\u2019d be very proud of the man you\u2019ve become.\u201d<\/p>\n Adam didn\u2019t often speak of Inger, whose loss profoundly affected him. He tried not to keep those precious memories locked up too tight, to share them, but Hoss knew it was painful for Adam. He was genuinely touched by Adam\u2019s words and couldn\u2019t find any of his own.\u00a0 \u201cThank you,\u201d he finally replied. \u201cThat means something. Shucks, here you were talkin\u2019 about me being so good at words and now I can\u2019t think of a dadgum thing to say,\u201d Hoss admitted almost sheepishly.<\/p>\n Adam winked and reached out to put his good arm around Hoss. \u201cExcellent. I don\u2019t want any challenges to my being the smartest of us anyway. Bad for my ego.\u201d He grinned when Hoss laughed, just as he\u2019d intended. \u201cLet\u2019s go home, brother.\u201d<\/p>\n ***The End***<\/p>\n Author\u2019s Notes:\u00a0 Written for the 2025 Ponderosa Paddlewheel Poker Tournament. The game was 7-Card Stud and we had to use at least five of the seven cards dealt, each of which represented a word or phrase.\u00a0 My words\/phrases were:<\/p>\n Coffee boiler Reference is made to Season 2, Episode 24 “The Dark Gate.”<\/p>\n
\nBetween hay and grass
\nYikes!
\nAll hat and no cattle
\nShucks<\/p>\n