Summary:\u00a0 Ben and Little Joe’s relationship is strained as they struggle to come to terms with the loss of Hoss. It takes a moment of heart-wrenching honesty to bring them together again.\u00a0 Rating T, WC 11,000<\/p>\n
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Remembering You\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n It seemed to be one of those days<\/strong> when both the weather and scenery cooperated and painted the morning beautiful. The crisp air came breezing into the bedrooms and did its part to awaken the sleeping Cartwrights.<\/p>\n Joe Cartwright lingered a few extra minutes by the window in his room to allow the fresh air to fill his lungs. There was something all too familiar in the scent of the wind. Something that caught his thoughts and sent an ache deep inside his soul. Joe shook his head and tried to forget what his mind was trying so hard to remember. There was a lot of work to be done this day, and there was no time for anything else. Joe quickly washed and dressed and made his way down the stairs.<\/p>\n \u201cGood morning, Son,\u201d Ben called across the room as Joe appeared on the bottom landing. He poured a cup of coffee and set it in front of Joe\u2019s place setting. Joe took his seat over to the side of his father.<\/p>\n \u201cMorning, Pa,\u201d Joe replied and reached for the morning paper. \u201cYou done reading this?\u201d he wondered. Ben smiled back amused.<\/p>\n \u201cYes—about an hour ago,\u201d Ben replied implicating how late it was getting.<\/p>\n \u201cI guess I\u2019ll have to catch up on the world when I get back,\u201d Joe said in between gulps of his coffee. \u201cI should be up at the logging camp by now.\u201d He put down his cup and headed for the front door. Ben followed close behind him.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019ll be in town most of the day. Why don\u2019t you join me once you get done up there?\u201d Ben offered.<\/p>\n \u201cSounds good to me, Pa, I\u2019ll see you later,\u201d Joe smiled and hurried out to work.<\/p>\n It was a little more than an hour\u2019s ride up to the logging camp where Joe was to check on what progress had been made on getting enough railroad crossties for a big order which was due for shipment very soon. He usually enjoyed the ride up into the cool northernmost woods. It had always been a time for him to clear his head of problems or just enjoy the solitude. But, he eagerly hurried to the camp, not wanting time to reflect on anything other than the business of the day. Joe was afraid of where his mind would take him if he really stopped and thought on it.<\/p>\n Soon the shingled roof of the camp headquarters appeared through the pines. There was a young man standing on the porch and he waved as Joe approached.<\/p>\n \u201cJames has been waiting on you. He\u2019s inside.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cSounds like trouble,\u201d Joe replied frowning. He entered the cabin and noticed the foreman of the camp going over some papers. \u201cOkay what\u2019s the trouble?\u201d Joe asked pulling up a chair and straddling it with his legs.<\/p>\n \u201cHalf the crew didn\u2019t come back from town the other night and I found them at the jail yesterday. Guess from now on we ought to pay them monthly so they stay broke longer. Paying them every two weeks is too much temptation.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cDid you get them all back?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cOnly the ones that could still walk,\u201d James smiled amused. \u201cThe rest will be in for at least another week.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m sure Clem really appreciates us filling up his jail cells! I bet my father will get an earful today when he goes into Virginia City.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cGetting back to our problem,\u201d James cleared his throat \u201cwhat do you suggest we do about our lack of workers?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThere\u2019s a half of a dozen men just sitting around at the ranch house –guess we\u2019ll help them relieve the boredom until the cattle are ready to be herded down south.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cCowhands aren\u2019t the best loggers,\u201d James said as he lit his cigar.<\/p>\n \u201cWell, you can show them the ropes can\u2019t you?\u201d Joe grinned.<\/p>\n \u201cYeah, I\u2019ll show them all right,\u201d James paused, \u201chow about you giving us a hand yourself?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cMe?\u201d Joe laughed. \u201cI\u2019m just a cowhand–what do I know about those nasty old railroad ties?\u201d Joe stood and started to leave.<\/p>\n \u201cHey, Joe!\u201d James called and Joe turned from the doorway.<\/p>\n \u201cWhat?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYou reckon I\u2019ll ever get one of those nice cushiony jobs like you have?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI hear they\u2019re all taken,\u201d Joe smiled \u201cbut I\u2019ll let you know if anything comes up!\u201d Joe left the room and James cussed under his breath.<\/p>\n After delegating the men for the logging job and checking on some other chores Joe turned his horse eagerly towards Virginia City. It was late afternoon already and the day seemed to have passed faster than usual. As Joe rode, that earlier feeling began to play in his mind. He slowed Cochise and looked off toward a grove of oak trees in the distance. He didn\u2019t want to go over there. As much as he fought the desire to ride off in the opposite direction, he could feel it bidding him closer. Joe knew in his heart he needed to be anywhere but over there. Joe\u2019s horse seemed to feel the indecision and stopped abruptly. Joe patted the pinto\u2019s neck. \u201cNot now,\u201d Joe spoke as if the horse could understand. \u201cLet\u2019s go.\u201d Joe kicked at the sides and sent Cochise into a gallop towards town again.<\/p>\n When Ben Cartwright finally spotted his son\u2019s horse it was in front of the Bucket of Blood Saloon. Joe sat at a table towards the back. For the middle of the week the bar was unusually full. Ben bought a beer and took it over to his son\u2019s table. Joe had been staring over at a poker game being played in back of him and didn\u2019t notice his father as he approached.<\/p>\n \u201cIs this seat taken?\u201d Ben asked and Joe turned around.<\/p>\n \u201cIt\u2019ll cost you,\u201d Joe warned as Ben sat down.<\/p>\n \u201cWhat now?\u201d Ben frowned and took a drink of his beer.<\/p>\n \u201cA week in San Francisco?\u201d Joe questioned hopefully with a broad smile on his lips.<\/p>\n Ben shook his head \u201cno\u201d.<\/p>\n \u201cThree days in Carson City?\u201d Joe continued to bargain with his father.<\/p>\n \u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cHow about dinner and a few drinks?\u201d Joe settled.<\/p>\n Ben thought for a few moments and replied, \u201cDinner is on me, the drinks are on you.\u201d Ben signaled the bartender and he brought over two more beers. Joe frowned and handed the bartender a dollar.<\/p>\n \u201cLet\u2019s see—\u201d Joe paused and leaned back in his chair \u201cwhat\u2019s the most expensive restaurant in town?\u201d<\/p>\n Ben shook his head amused. \u201cSo, what\u2019s going on up at the logging camp? Clem seems to have half the boys in his jail.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cEverything\u2019s all right, Pa. I got some of the other hands to go up there. I\u2019ll check back later on this week.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYou know the contracts call for all the ties to be ready by the sixteenth,\u201d Ben remarked, a good amount of worry in his tone.<\/p>\n \u201cI told you I\u2019d make sure it was done, so don\u2019t worry, okay?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m not worried,\u201d Ben corrected. \u201cIt\u2019s just that you have to stay on those boys up at the camp. You remember last year how much trouble you had?\u201d<\/p>\n Joe looked over at his father and it was at that moment that Ben realized the mistake he had made. Ben looked down at the table and then back up at his son. \u201cLast year Hoss was in charge up there wasn\u2019t he?\u201d<\/p>\n Joe nodded. Suddenly it was as if the atmosphere had changed. It became very quiet between both men. Joe usually had a way of joking his way out of even the worst situations, but he couldn\u2019t find any words this time. After what seemed a very long time, Ben broke the silence.<\/p>\n \u201cIt\u2019s getting kinda late. Why don\u2019t we go get that dinner I owe you?\u201d<\/p>\n Joe looked over at his father and though he knew neither of their hearts were in it, they would go and eat.<\/p>\n It was a lot later that night that Joe stood alone in his bedroom. He knew the feeling he had felt all day would just not go away. And so, he took the time to bring it into his mind again. Why do we go on pretending? Joe thought to himself. Like we\u2019re really going to be okay, when we know we\u2019ll never really be the same. Not without Hoss. Joe walked over to his bureau and to the picture of his brother Hoss. How can we ever make sense out of it, when it doesn\u2019t make any sense? Joe took the picture over to his bed and sat down wearily. I\u2019m so tired of pretending. Pa tries not to talk about it at all. Like if we don\u2019t talk about it that it never really happened and you\u2019ll be coming through that door– Joe could feel the tears course down his face and he brushed them aside. I wish Pa and I could talk–I thought that maybe now–it\u2019s been almost a year–I thought we could talk about it. I just wish it had been me instead of you– Joe stood and walked over to the washbowl and rinsed his face. He decided he would go to sleep and close his mind, shutting out the past.<\/p>\n It was a few days later that Joe\u2019s responsibilities brought him out to the main breaking corral. Spring round-up would begin in a few weeks which meant there would be the need for new horses. Joe stared out at the string of horses which would require breaking. He didn\u2019t exactly feel anxious at the thought. But, with more of the hired hands up at the logging camp there was the need for his expertise here with the newer crew.<\/p>\n \u201cGot one saddled and ready for you, Boss,\u201d A young man smiled and pointed out a chestnut horse who was rearing up on it\u2019s two back legs in protest.<\/p>\n Joe jumped off his spectator perch on the corral gate. He looked cooly at the kid. \u201cLet me show you how it\u2019s done, Boy,\u201d Joe retorted, conceit in his statement.<\/p>\n He approached the stall and took a deep breath. Joe thought of what a big joke it had always been that everyone on the ranch thought him to be so calm when attempting to break such violent creatures. When, in actuality, Joe had always felt scared to death. Joe steadied himself as he climbed on the bucking stead. Then, it was like being in the middle of a storm and everything was flying. He could vaguely see the bystanders as he turned round and round with the horse. They want to see me fall on my butt, Joe thought to himself. He tried not to give them all the satisfaction. When the ride was finally over suddenly another cowhand approached to help with the horse. Joe managed a smug grin. \u201cNothing to it,\u201d Joe stated calmly and sauntered proudly back to the others. He approached the young man who had chided him on earlier. \u201cYour turn, Bill,\u201d he smiled.<\/p>\n The afternoon went slowly, but they all took their turns and they were making headway. Joe decided it was time to check on other chores. Something quieter was in order now. As he headed for his horse, he heard a familiar whistle and turned around.<\/p>\n It had been almost three years since Joe had seen the peculiar grin which controlled the face of his friend Candy. The man approached Joe.<\/p>\n \u201cWell, looks like those mean old horses are still giving you trouble,\u201d Candy stated and dismounted.<\/p>\n Joe pushed back his hat and shook his head in wonderment. \u201cI kicked up a little dust and look what appears!\u201d Joe exclaimed as his face broke into a smile of welcome and the two men shook hands. \u201cTo what do we owe this unexpected pleasure?\u201d Joe looked suspiciously at his friend. \u201cYou aren\u2019t wanted by the law or something?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNot this month, no. Actually, I figured round-up would be here soon and your dad would need someone dependable–not like you or Hoss!\u201d<\/p>\n Joe\u2019s facial expression changed abruptly and he became quiet. Candy read the change.<\/p>\n \u201cI say something wrong?\u201d He asked bewildered.<\/p>\n \u201cNo,\u201d Joe paused \u201cI guess you didn\u2019t have any way of knowing. We didn\u2019t have any way of contacting you.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhat\u2019s wrong? Contacting me about what?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cAbout Hoss,\u201d Joe replied quietly \u201cCandy, Hoss died last year.\u201d<\/p>\n Candy stood stunned by the news. For some reason he expected everything to be just as it had been before. So many times he had thought about writing his friends or just appearing out of the blue. But, he had never got around to it.<\/p>\n \u201cHow, Joe?\u201d He asked sullenly.<\/p>\n Joe felt uneasy. It didn\u2019t seem the right time or place to get into it. \u201cLet\u2019s go get a drink,\u201d he said and didn\u2019t wait for a reply. Joe mounted Cochise and reined it towards Virginia City.<\/p>\n Virginia City was starting to come alive with week-ending cowhands. It was nearing six o\u2019clock at night when both Joe and Candy tied the reins of their horses outside the saloon. With it being Friday night there was little chance for quiet conversation inside. But, there would be whiskey, and for that reason Joe walked through the saloon doors and approached the bartender.<\/p>\n Bruno looked over from the draft he was pouring and noticed Joe and smiled. \u201cWho\u2019s that you got there, Joe? Some new stranger to our town?\u201d Bruno implied looking at Candy.<\/p>\n Candy broke into a grin. \u201cWell, you haven\u2019t changed, that\u2019s for sure!\u201d Candy said not at all flattering as he appeared to be checking out Bruno\u2019s expanding girth.<\/p>\n Bruno patted his rotund belly. \u201cCan\u2019t tell I\u2019ve gained a few pounds since you\u2019ve been gone can you?\u201d he laughed heartily. \u201cWhat can I get for you two?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cGive us a bottle and a couple of glasses,\u201d Joe said and put his money on the bar. Joe and Candy took their drinks over to a table and sat down. Joe poured two glasses of the liquor and passed one over to his friend. \u201cTo old times,\u201d Joe toasted.<\/p>\n Candy nodded and took a good long drink. Joe looked around and then back over to his friend who sat patiently waiting for Joe to tell him about Hoss.<\/p>\n \u201cCandy, remember that time we were in here and Hoss came looking for us to help load the wagon with supplies? Remember how you tried to fake an appendicitis attack?\u201d<\/p>\n Candy smiled and nodded. \u201cYeah, but as I remember you put me up to it!\u201d he protested.<\/p>\n \u201cRemember Hoss lifted you up and said he\u2019d carry you off to the doctor\u2019s office?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYeah, and instead he carried me outside and dropped me into the horse trough. And as I recall, he came back in here and got you too!\u201d<\/p>\n Joe laughed. \u201cThat\u2019s right! And as I recall you and I ended up loading that whole wagon while Hoss sat here finishing our beers.\u201d<\/p>\n Candy looked over at Joe who had stopped laughing.<\/p>\n \u201cIt seems like it was only yesterday,\u201d Candy stated.<\/p>\n Joe poured another drink and tossed it down. \u201cSometimes it\u2019s just as real to me as here and now,\u201d Joe admitted. \u201cSometimes I think I\u2019ll be sitting here and he\u2019ll walk in and –\u201d Joe\u2019s voice trailed off as he choked with emotion. He looked at the whiskey bottle and decided it was the tonic he\u2019d need to get on with telling his friend what had happened.<\/p>\n Candy waited patiently for Joe to open up to him. It was a very apparent, the pain on Joe\u2019s face as he finally began his story. \u201cIt will be a year next week,\u201d Joe started. \u201cIt\u2019s hard to believe it\u2019s been that long. It seems like only yesterday that Hoss and I were sitting here in this room making plans for a vacation. We were going to go down to Mexico just as soon as the trail-drive was over. We had it all planned, where we\u2019d go and what we\u2019d see,\u201d Joe stopped long enough to take another drink. \u201cBut, we never made it. The next day he was gone.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cHow did it happen?\u201d Candy pried further.<\/p>\n \u201cIt was a Thursday, and Pa had sent us back into town to get some papers over to his lawyer and we had some equipment coming in at the hardware store. So, we were going to check on that too. I should have gone to check on the equipment and Hoss should have gone to the lawyer\u2019s office—then it all would have been different.\u201d Joe stood and walked to the doorway and peered down the street. It was still light enough to see the road. \u201cSomething spooked a horse and it took off down that way,\u201d Joe pointed towards the end of town. \u201cThe rider had fallen off but the horse was panicked and tore down the street so fast that people were jumping to get out of the way. That\u2019s what Hoss saw moments before it happened.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThe horse knocked him down?\u201d Candy asked.<\/p>\n Joe shook his head. \u201cHe would have been all right, but he saw a kid in the path of the horse. He ran and pushed the boy just in time. Saved the kid,\u201d Joe looked up through tears at his friend, \u201cand got trampled in the process.\u201d Joe walked back over to his bottle on the table. Candy sat down numbed by Joe\u2019s descriptions. He drank another glassful of whiskey.<\/p>\n \u201cSounds just like Hoss,\u201d he paused for a minute, \u201calways worried about someone else.\u201d<\/p>\n Joe nodded. \u201cI made it to him before he died. You know what he said?\u201d<\/p>\n Candy shook his head \u201cno\u201d.<\/p>\n \u201cHe said–take care of Pa, Lil Brother,–and don\u2019t worry none about me–I\u2019ll be fine.\u201d<\/p>\n Candy stood up slowly and walked over to the bar for another bottle of liquor.<\/p>\n After a long silence Candy finally spoke. \u201cHow did your pa take it?\u201d<\/p>\n Joe leaned back in his chair and for a moment it was a year ago in his mind. He remembered so clearly the long ride back to the Ponderosa that terrible afternoon…<\/p>\n After what seemed like days, Joe had finally reached the ranch house. He dreaded the task that lay before him. The doctor in Virginia City had urged Joe to stay in town and let someone else bring the news to Ben. Joe knew he had to be the one. Joe tied Cochise\u2019s reins loosely around the front hitching post, knowing he\u2019d be needing his horse soon to return to town.<\/em><\/p>\n As he entered the house it already began to occur to Joe how hard it would be from now on without his brother. His thoughts suddenly turned to his father\u2019s loss and not just his own. How would he ever find the words? Before he had time to think about it, Ben\u2019s voice called from the top of the stairs.<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cWho\u2019s there?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n Joe took a deep breath before he called back. \u201cIt\u2019s me, Pa!\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cJoseph–\u201d Ben returned, still upstairs. \u201cCome on up here, I\u2019m working on some inventory sheets.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n Joe slowly ascended the stairs and met his father at the door to his bedroom.<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cWell, I wasn\u2019t expecting you boys back for at least a couple of hours. Did you get those papers delivered all right?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n Joe didn\u2019t reply. Instead he turned away from his father and walked over to the window. Ben could tell right away that something was dreadfully wrong. He approached his son.<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cWhat is it, Joseph? What\u2019s wrong?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n Joe\u2019s voice broke as he replied, \u201cPa–there\u2019s something I have to tell you–\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n Ben grabbed Joe by the shoulders and forced his gaze. There were tears streaming down the young man\u2019s cheeks. A coldness touched Ben\u2019s heart as he read his son\u2019s face. There could be no other reason for the total grief which had taken control of his son. Ben hesitated for a moment, afraid to hear that his intuition was correct. \u201cIt\u2019s Hoss—what\u2019s happened to him!\u201d Ben demanded.<\/em><\/p>\n Joe looked up at his father and finally spoke the words. \u201cPa–Hoss is dead.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n Ben could feel his knees go weak, taking three steps backwards, he sat down abruptly on the bed. \u201cNo–not Hoss.\u201d Ben found himself to be repeating over and over again, in total disbelief.<\/em><\/p>\n Joe walked over to his father and knelt down next to him resting his hand on Ben\u2019s knee. \u201cPa—I\u2019m so sorry–I wish to God it wasn\u2019t true!\u201d Joe sobbed.<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cBut, why? How could this have happened?\u201d Ben asked looking directly at Joe.<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cIt was an accident–Hoss saved a boy who was standing in the path of a runaway horse—he saved the kid—but he was trampled–there wasn\u2019t anything that anyone could do–\u201d Joe could see the tenseness in his father\u2019s jaw and saw the brave attempt he was making to stay strong.<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cWhere is he?\u201d Ben asked quietly.<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cIn town,\u201d Joe answered as his father stood back up.<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cWill you get my horse saddled?\u201d Ben asked turning away from his son.<\/em><\/p>\n Joe stood up and stared over at Ben. He wished he could have made it easier on him but there was no easy way to tell him that Hoss was gone. Joe could feel the distance taking over between them both. He left the room giving Ben a chance to be alone.<\/em><\/p>\n It was almost an hour later that Ben appeared out at the hitching post. He didn\u2019t speak when Joe handed over the reins of his horse. Joe could see the redness which now surrounded his father\u2019s eyes. They rode off into town.<\/em><\/p>\n The next day had been like a nightmare, people coming by to pay their respects and the funeral with all its formalities. But throughout the ordeal Ben held his composure and handled all the details himself. He had picked the grave site and he had chosen the Bible verses that Hoss would have liked. And, even though he tried to help, Joe was more of a bystander than a participant. After the last of the mourners had left that evening Ben finally appeared to be wearing down.<\/em><\/p>\n Joe brought in coffee from the kitchen and handed his father a cup. Ben accepted it without speaking. Joe undid his tie and sat down on the couch. The silence pounded against Joe\u2019s ears and he prayed that his father would say something–anything! Finally, Joe decided he would start it off. \u201cHoss sure had a lot of friends—I think the whole town showed up–\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n Ben looked over at his youngest son. \u201cI wrote Adam, but he probably won\u2019t get the letter for a month or more.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n Joe realized that they both were just talking to hear themselves talk. Nothing was touching on what they were feeling. Joe finally stood and faced his father. \u201cPa, I know this isn\u2019t something that is going to go away—I know we\u2019ll never get over this. But, we have to talk about it–\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n Ben cut Joe off abruptly. \u201cJoseph, we all have to deal with our own grief—and I really can\u2019t talk about this right now. I\u2019m sorry–\u201d Ben stopped and hurriedly left the living room. He walked up the stairs and Joe could hear his father\u2019s bedroom door close. The door closed, and so did all discussion about Hoss.<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cJoe? I asked you how your father took the news about Hoss?\u201d Candy tried to shake Joe out of his far away daze.<\/p>\n \u201cWhen it happened he just stopped talking. He never really wanted to discuss it. I thought maybe it was just too much of a shock at first, but he hasn\u2019t changed. He almost never brings up Hoss\u2019 name, and if it does come up in a conversation he quickly changes the subject.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThat doesn\u2019t sound like your pa, Joe.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cSometimes I think he blames me,\u201d Joe admitted sullenly.<\/p>\n \u201cJoe, that\u2019s crazy! Why would you think that?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cIf I had gone with Hoss–or if I was there at the end of the street instead of him maybe it never would have happened.\u201d<\/p>\n Candy touched Joe\u2019s arm. \u201cYou can\u2019t think like that, Joe. It happened–for what ever reason–it happened and you didn\u2019t have anything to do with it! Hoss made his choice when he pushed the kid down and risked his own life.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI keep waiting for Pa to open up and admit how he really feels—but he won\u2019t. So, I go along with it, I play the game too.\u201d Joe looked over at his friend and confessed, \u201cthis is the first time I\u2019ve talked about this since it happened.\u201d<\/p>\n Candy put his arm around his friend\u2019s shoulder in a show of support. \u201cLet\u2019s have one more drink for the night and then we better get you home.\u201d Candy poured a final drink and handed it to Joe. \u201cThis one\u2019s to Hoss,\u201d Candy toasted \u201ca great brother and one hell of a good friend!\u201d<\/p>\n Joe attempted a smile and touched glasses with his old friend.<\/p>\n There were no lights on at the ranch house when Joe and Candy finally arrived late that night. That was good news, as neither of the two of them were in much condition to carry on a serious conversation.<\/p>\n \u201cCome on, Candy,\u201d Joe said louder than he had intended, \u201cyou can stay in one of the guest rooms.\u201d Joe tossed his gunbelt on the table by the front door as he entered the room and it slid down to the end, knocking a vase onto the floor. The glass shattered with a loud crash.<\/p>\n \u201cShush–\u201d Candy called quietly to his friend.<\/p>\n Joe looked down at what remained of the vase and began laughing. \u201cI never liked that stupid thing anyway. So, what\u2019s an antique or two?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI think you\u2019d better get upstairs before you do any more damage to the place,\u201d Candy argued and his friend walked over to another table by the den where there sat a bottle of Ben\u2019s favorite brandy.<\/p>\n \u201cLet\u2019s have a little night-cap,\u201d Joe said pouring a glass. He wasn\u2019t doing a good job of it, as most of it spilled onto the table instead of into the glass. Candy followed across the room.<\/p>\n \u201cI think we\u2019ve had enough, don\u2019t you?\u201d<\/p>\n Joe laughed and tossed down the brandy, just as a figure appeared at the top of the stairs.<\/p>\n \u201cWho\u2019s there?\u201d Ben demanded as he looked down the flight of stairs.<\/p>\n \u201cJust me, Pa,\u201d Joe replied meekly. He watched as his father descended the stairs and turned towards both men.<\/p>\n First, Ben noticed the rather intoxicated state of his son, then he noticed who stood beside him. \u201cCandy!\u201d Ben called out surprised. \u201cWhat in the world are you doing here?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cTrying to stand up actually,\u201d Joe chimed in amused. Ben himself, was not amused at all. He shook his head somewhat annoyed.<\/p>\n \u201cHello, Mister Cartwright. Guess it would be a shock to see us both here like this,\u201d he inferred to their obvious drunken condition.<\/p>\n Ben was about to comment when he noticed the wreckage that lay on the floor by the front door. He walked over to it and bent down to retrieve a small piece of the once expensive vase.<\/p>\n \u201cIt was like that when we came in–\u201d Joe started as he held back his laughter.<\/p>\n \u201cYou two go on and get some sleep. We\u2019ll discuss this when you are both sober tomorrow morning,\u201d Ben stated sternly.<\/p>\n \u201cSober yes, tomorrow morning–I\u2019d rather doubt,\u201d Joe whispered under his breath to Candy. Candy grinned back at him and Ben walked by the two of them shaking his head disapprovingly.<\/p>\n Breakfast was as good as Candy had remembered it at the Ponderosa. Even after a night of a little too much partying he could still eat his share and then some.<\/p>\n \u201cHop Sing, this is the best grub I\u2019ve tasted in months,\u201d Candy commented, and the cook smiled broadly and then walked back into the kitchen.<\/p>\n \u201cSo, you\u2019ve had enough of wandering for the time being, huh?\u201d Ben asked.<\/p>\n \u201cYes, sir, for the time being,\u201d Candy smiled and as usual made the subtle hint that he didn\u2019t know how long he\u2019d stay. \u201cSo, I was hoping you could use another hand with the herd?\u201d<\/p>\n Ben nodded his approval. \u201cI told you a long time ago that you\u2019ve got a job here whenever you want,\u201d Ben confirmed Candy\u2019s membership into the family.<\/p>\n At that moment Joe descended the stairs, and he looked close to as bad as he felt. He took a seat next to his friend. Hop Sing brought in a plate of food and set it in front of Joe. Joe pushed it away. \u201cCoffee,\u201d Joe stated weakly and his father sent him down a cup from the head of the table.<\/p>\n \u201cCandy like Hop Sing food,\u201d Hop Sing sang out disgruntled.<\/p>\n Joe stared over at Candy putting away food at a good rate of speed. He gave Candy an unfriendly smile to indicate his disapproval at his friend\u2019s obvious good condition. Joe, himself, felt as though he might not live through the day. As if to confirm that, Ben cleared his throat.<\/p>\n \u201cHow nice of you to join us, Joseph. Tell me, did you sleep well?\u201d Ben asked heavy of sarcasm.<\/p>\n Joe did not speak, he just shook his head to indicate that he had not slept.<\/p>\n \u201cGood,\u201d Ben smiled. \u201cThen I\u2019m sure you won\u2019t mind telling me what brought on this incident?\u201d<\/p>\n Joe looked back over at Candy, who offered no help.<\/p>\n \u201cWell?\u201d Ben asked again, this time raising his eyebrows in gesture.<\/p>\n \u201cJust celebrating my old friend\u2019s return–that\u2019s all there was to it, Pa,\u201d Joe tried to sound believable.<\/p>\n \u201cThat\u2019s just fine!\u201d Ben said exuberantly. \u201cBecause there\u2019s some more celebrating you both can do. Like getting finished with the horse-breaking, and there is about one hundred yards of fence that needs to be mended. I have all sorts of things to help you celebrate today!\u201d<\/p>\n Joe looked weakly over at Candy and said, \u201cwelcome back.\u201d<\/p>\n Both Joe and Candy decided they\u2019d take the fence mending over the horse breaking any day, so they rode to a remote section of the Ponderosa where they would begin their work. As they took turns stringing the fence wire and nailing it into place, neither of them spoke much. After two sections were finished Joe walked over to the supply wagon and sat down.<\/p>\n \u201cBreak time already?\u201d Candy called over to Joe.<\/p>\n Joe leaned back and took a drink from his canteen. \u201cYou can go on working if you\u2019d like,\u201d Joe replied casually.<\/p>\n Candy threw down his hammer and neared his friend. \u201cWhat\u2019s with you today? Too much celebrating?\u201d Candy laughed.<\/p>\n \u201cYeah, I guess–I haven\u2019t gotten that drunk in ages,\u201d Joe answered rubbing the back of his neck. \u201cAs a matter of fact, I really haven\u2019t gotten out that much lately. A trip to town once or twice a month, but usually it\u2019s for business or a quick drink and then right back here to the ranch.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWell, now that I\u2019m back, we\u2019ll change all that,\u201d Candy affirmed.<\/p>\n \u201cI don\u2019t know,–\u201d Joe paused \u201cPa needs me to help more now. I\u2019m in charge of a dozen different jobs right now. Including a big railroad order—that I\u2019d better go check on by the way,\u201d Joe suddenly remembered and stood up.<\/p>\n \u201cHey, Joe, you\u2019re only one person–you know you can\u2019t do the work of two men!\u201d Candy reminded his friend.<\/p>\n Joe turned from his horse and said seriously, \u201cHoss always did.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYou\u2019re not Hoss,\u201d Candy replied quietly.<\/p>\n Joe mounted his horse and didn\u2019t look back at his concerned friend. \u201cI\u2019ll see you later,\u201d Joe said and rode away.<\/p>\n The supper dishes had already been washed and dried and put away by the time Joe finally made it home that night. He walked into the house and noticed his father sitting in the living room talking to Candy. Joe undid his gunbelt and hung up his hat. He walked over to the couch and sat down exhausted.<\/p>\n \u201cWe were wondering when you\u2019d get back,\u201d Ben said. \u201cHop Sing waited dinner as long as he could.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThat\u2019s all right, I\u2019m not really very hungry.\u201d Joe looked over at Candy. \u201cSo, did you get all that fencing done?\u201d he asked.<\/p>\n \u201cThought I\u2019d save some for you, partner,\u201d Candy grinned.<\/p>\n \u201cThanks,\u201d Joe said and leaned his head back on the couch.<\/p>\n \u201cCandy was just filling me in on all his travels,\u201d Ben commented.<\/p>\n \u201cOh? Did he tell you about all the hearts he broke along the way too?\u201d Joe asked sarcastically and Candy laughed.<\/p>\n \u201cWe wouldn\u2019t have time for all that in one night,\u201d he replied conceitedly.<\/p>\n Ben poured a cup of coffee and looked over at his son. \u201cHow are things going up at the logging camp?\u201d<\/p>\n Joe frowned, he hoped he could keep the conversation away from business. \u201cThere was a little trouble, but it\u2019ll be okay.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhat kind of trouble this time?\u201d Ben asked concerned.<\/p>\n \u201cIt\u2019s not important, Pa,\u201d Joe answered wanting to get off of the subject.<\/p>\n \u201cNot important! What do you mean not important? Do you know how much time and money I have in those contracts, Joseph?\u201d Ben countered agitated.<\/p>\n Candy looked over at Joe, who didn\u2019t seem to appreciate his father\u2019s outburst.<\/p>\n \u201cLook, Pa–I know what I\u2019m doing! If you don\u2019t trust me then you can put someone else in charge!\u201d Joe retorted with both hurt and anger in his response and written all over his face.<\/p>\n \u201cYou need to stay up there and keep your eye on what\u2019s going on–\u201d<\/p>\n Joe cut his father off in mid sentence, his temper mounting. \u201cWhat do you want me to do? Move up there permanently?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI just want you to do your best–that\u2019s all I\u2019m asking of you!\u201d Ben returned harshly.<\/p>\n \u201cThat\u2019s exactly what I AM doing, Pa!\u201d Joe fired back.<\/p>\n \u201cWell, we didn\u2019t have this much trouble last year–because Hoss–\u201d Ben caught himself and turned towards the fireplace. Joe and Candy exchanged glances.<\/p>\n Joe stood up and walked slowly toward the staircase. He paused and turned back towards his father and said, \u201cI\u2019ll go back out there tomorrow and stay with them until the ties are delivered.\u201d<\/p>\n Joe walked up to his room feeling totally despondent. He felt as though he had once again, as he had so often, proven he could not meet up to his father\u2019s expectations of him. Candy saw Ben look over across the room as Joe disappeared up the stairs. He could feel the hurt still in the air. Candy couldn\u2019t decide if he should say something or just excuse himself. Finally, choosing the latter, he left the room.<\/p>\n Ben sat in the living room a long while after the two had left. He hurt deep down. He hurt for himself, and he hurt for Joe. Never in his life had he felt so all alone. And, the worst part was that he just didn\u2019t know what to do about it. He would have gone up to his son\u2019s room to apologize, but he didn\u2019t know what he could say to make things better. It had been so long since they had really talked that the closeness that they had forged over the years was no longer there.<\/p>\n Ben hoped that a full night\u2019s sleep would help the situation. He walked up the stairs and to his room. Pausing at his bedroom door, he stared across the hall over to what had been Hoss\u2019 bedroom. It was just as he had left it that last morning a year ago, Ben noticed as he entered the room. All of his son\u2019s favorite possessions, though there wasn\u2019t as many as most would imagine, were still in place. Most of those favorite things that his middle son cherished were his family and his friends. He had never desired anything fancy, Ben remembered sitting down on the bed. Maybe a new saddle or a pair of boots, but he\u2019d be more apt to give even those away at the first opportunity to help someone else.<\/p>\n Ben surveyed the room. He knew it would soon be a year since he had been taken. Some dates he would never forget, no matter how much he wished he could. Ben left the room after a brief time, it was all he could take. He stared down at the end of the hall to Joe\u2019s room. He hoped that there would be a time when they could both be as they had been before. But, in his heart, he didn\u2019t know when he would ever be able to let go of the past.<\/p>\n The sun had not yet risen when Joe saddled his horse the next morning and made his way out to the logging camp. He was determined to get the order of railroad ties through on time.<\/p>\n The foreman of the camp was awakened as Joe entered the cabin.<\/p>\n \u201cJoe? What in the devil are you doing here in the middle of the night?\u201d James asked puzzled as he sat up in his bunk. Joe walked over to the table where the progress sheets were kept.<\/p>\n \u201cIt\u2019s almost six, and I want everyone up and moving,\u201d Joe responded.<\/p>\n James stood and walked across to the stove. \u201cI can\u2019t do nothing till I get some coffee in me,\u201d he said groggily and lit the stove.<\/p>\n \u201cWe have three days and that\u2019s all. I want those ties stacked and delivered to the rail-line in two,\u201d Joe announced going over the papers.<\/p>\n The foreman lit a cigar and walked over to the table. \u201cNow listen, we ought to have them done on the sixteenth, but no way can we get them done the day before!\u201d he protested.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019ve had it with excuses and delays! Now, I want it done and that\u2019s it!\u201d Joe yelled standing back up.<\/p>\n James looked at Joe strangely. He had never seen this side of his friend. \u201cWhat\u2019s got you so riled up, Boy?\u201d he asked.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019ll tell you what\u2019s got me riled,\u201d Joe paused, \u201cI left you in charge, thinking you\u2019d keep on top of these men. But, it\u2019s been nothing but confusion around here ever since! No one accepts that I\u2019m the boss around here—and that\u2019s gonna change!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cOkay, Joe, you\u2019re the BOSS! Now does that make you feel better?\u201d James said sarcastically.<\/p>\n Joe moved over towards James and looked the foreman squarely in the eyes. \u201cLast year Hoss had trouble with this same crew, but he got everything done and done on time! Well, I want the same thing, and I won\u2019t accept anything less.\u201d Joe turned toward the door. James followed close behind.<\/p>\n \u201cSo that\u2019s it, huh? You got to do as good as your brother?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cJust get going! I expect everyone up and working in thirty minutes!\u201d Joe fired back and then walked outside angrily.<\/p>\n At the same time, back at the ranch house, Candy had just come out of the kitchen with a cup of coffee as Ben walked down the stairs.<\/p>\n \u201cMorning, Mr. Cartwright,\u201d Candy smiled and sat down at the table.<\/p>\n \u201cGood morning, Candy,\u201d he replied quietly and sat down at the head of the table. He stared over at Joe\u2019s place setting. \u201cHas Joe come down yet?\u201d Ben asked.<\/p>\n Candy shook his head. \u201cI haven\u2019t seen him.\u201d<\/p>\n Hop Sing came out of the kitchen and started to put food in front of the two men.<\/p>\n \u201cKeep something warm for Joseph, Hop Sing. He had a hard day yesterday and he might sleep for awhile.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cLittle Joe leave vely early this morning,\u201d Hop Sing paused and shot an unkind look at Ben. He always seemed to know what was going on, and he was not happy about the lack of love showing between two of his favorite people in the world. \u201cTold Hop Sing to tell you he be back in few days.\u201d Hop Sing turned his back on Ben and walked into the kitchen.<\/p>\n Ben stared over to where Joe always sat at the table. He knew it was his fault that Joe had hurried to leave. Ben didn\u2019t blame his son for wanting to avoid him. He had been putting too much on Joe and he regretted it.<\/p>\n Candy looked over at Ben, who seemed to be very far away in thought. \u201cYou want me to go give Joe a hand up there?\u201d<\/p>\n Ben shook himself out of the daze. \u201cMaybe that would be a good idea.\u201d<\/p>\n Candy finished his breakfast and stood to leave. \u201cYou want me to tell Joe anything for you?\u201d<\/p>\n Ben shook his head, \u201cno\u2019. Candy frowned and left the room.<\/p>\n At the camp later that afternoon James approached his boss, who stood untangling some logging equipment by the supply shack. \u201cI got them down the road stacking the ties now,\u201d he said and reached into the water pail for a drink. \u201cThere sure are a lot of ties. We\u2019re gonna need at least one more wagon than we thought. You want to go back to the ranch house and get one?\u201d<\/p>\n Joe looked over at the foreman. \u201cSend one of the others. I want to keep my eyes on the men.\u201d<\/p>\n James frowned and walked away. He had hoped to get rid of Joe, at least for a couple of hours. Joe had been getting the job done, all right, but the men were ready to either drop or quit.<\/p>\n Candy spotted his friend walking down the grade to where the ties were lining the road. He rode his horse up alongside Joe and said, \u201cHow\u2019s your army doing, Captain?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhat are you doing here?\u201d Joe wondered. \u201cPa didn\u2019t send you did he?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI volunteered!\u201d Candy exclaimed. \u201cYou didn\u2019t think I was gonna stay back there and break those mean old horses by myself did you?\u201d<\/p>\n Joe shook his head. \u201cWell, since you\u2019re here, grab a tie and get some work done.\u201d Joe walked over to where three men were sitting under a tree. \u201cWhat\u2019s going on here?\u201d Joe asked madly.<\/p>\n \u201cJust taking a little break, Joe,\u201d one of the men answered. \u201cWe\u2019ve been stacking these damn things all day and we\u2019re about give out. You know you have us doing two days work in one!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYeah I know you are doing two days work–but if you all had been busting it out all along you wouldn\u2019t be so far behind! I\u2019m working just as hard as you are, and I\u2019m tired too. I want to get these delivered tomorrow so that means we\u2019ve got to get them all on the wagons today. So come on!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cRemind me never to work for you again, Joe!\u201d one man yelled over to his boss.<\/p>\n \u201cOnly if YOU remind ME never to hire you either!\u201d Joe called down to the man as he walked away.<\/p>\n Joe turned and saw Candy tackling a rather large tie by himself. He walked over to help. \u201cDon\u2019t throw your back out today,\u201d Joe paused and grinned at his friend \u201cwait until the job\u2019s done THEN injure yourself!\u201d<\/p>\n The two men worked together for hours loading ties onto the wagons that were filling up.<\/p>\n James had taken it upon himself to fetch the wagon from the ranch house barn. It was almost dark when Ben heard a rider outside. He walked to the front door and pulled it open. \u201cJames!\u201d he exclaimed. \u201cWhat are you doing here? Some kind of trouble?\u201d<\/p>\n James entered the house. \u201cWe just need another wagon for the ties.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYou\u2019re not ready to deliver them already?\u201d Ben asked confused.<\/p>\n \u201cWell, we wouldn\u2019t have been, but Joe\u2019s been up there all day riding the men. I don\u2019t agree with his reasoning, but he is getting more out of them than I could!\u201d James admitted.<\/p>\n \u201cHe\u2019s pushing pretty hard, huh?\u201d Ben asked.<\/p>\n \u201cYes, sir. I don\u2019t know why—I told him that we\u2019d have them delivered on the due date, but he wants them a day ahead of time.\u201d<\/p>\n Ben remembered back to the conversation that Joe and he had the night before. He knew that his son was out to prove to him that he could handle things just like Hoss could. \u201cI\u2019ll help you get the wagon ready,\u201d Ben muttered and they walked into the barn.<\/p>\n Candy handed Joe a cup of coffee and they both sat down stiffly inside the foreman\u2019s cabin.<\/p>\n \u201cAll we have is that last wagon load and then we can get the ties delivered, probably by noon tomorrow.\u201d Joe said gladly.<\/p>\n \u201cYou know I expect to find half of the men dead tomorrow,\u201d Candy quipped.<\/p>\n Joe laughed. \u201cOh, they\u2019ll be okay after a few months!\u201d<\/p>\n Candy turned suddenly serious. \u201cYou did this because of your pa, didn\u2019t you?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI don\u2019t want to talk about it,\u201d Joe answered flatly.<\/p>\n \u201cThat\u2019s just great, Joe! You and your Dad are growing more alike each day. He doesn\u2019t talk about anything either. Sure, you\u2019ll both keep the ranch going—while your family goes to Hell!\u201d Candy yelled.<\/p>\n Joe stood up. \u201cI don\u2019t want it this way–you know that! But, you\u2019ve seen the way he is! How can I get through to him?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYou\u2019re not much better, Old Buddy,\u201d Candy commented.<\/p>\n Joe shot the other man a sharp look. \u201cWhat the hell do you mean by that?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYou let him get away with it! You never challenge anything he says.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cHe expects me to handle things—that\u2019s not asking too much is it?\u201d Joe replied defensively.<\/p>\n \u201cHe expects you to handle things the way Hoss would–and that IS asking too much!\u201d Candy argued, trying his best to get through to his friend.<\/p>\n Joe sat down sullenly. \u201cMaybe that\u2019s because Hoss was better at doing everything. Everyone stood in awe of him. I know I did! He was so strong, so good at getting the best out of you. He was a whole lot smarter than anyone gave him credit for too. Pa really depended a lot on him. And why not? He was always the dependable one! You could always count on him!\u201d<\/p>\n Candy took a seat next to Joe. \u201cWe both know how good Hoss was. But, you can\u2019t take his place–you know that! You are good at a whole lot of things—–and you\u2019ve always been there for your father too!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cSometimes I really think that I\u2019ll never measure up—that Pa will never accept me for myself.\u201d Joe walked over to the bunk. \u201cWe\u2019ve got a full day of work tomorrow, Candy. Better get some sleep. Goodnight.\u201d Joe whispered to let his friend know he couldn\u2019t talk about the situation anymore.<\/p>\n Just as planned, the shipment of railroad ties was delivered the next day at noon. Joe stood at the rail line headquarters with the man he was to turn them over to.<\/p>\n \u201cThere\u2019s about twenty extra,\u201d Joe stated as he signed the delivery receipt.<\/p>\n An older man with gray hair and thick glasses looked over the shipment and replied, \u201cextra ties and a day early at that! You tell Ben how pleased I am. We\u2019ll be sure to use you and your crew the next time we need ties.\u201d<\/p>\n Joe returned the smile and said, \u201cwe\u2019ll be glad to cut you some more any time–but give my men at least a month to recuperate, okay?\u201d Joe laughed as he stared over at the faces of several of his workers. He put the copy of the receipt inside his jacket and shook the man\u2019s outstretched hand. \u201cSee you again, Mr. Tippens.\u201d Joe turned and made his way over toward James. \u201cListen, tell the boys they did good for me, will you?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cAll they want is to go into town and soak up some beers, Joe.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWell, you go on with them, and tell Bruno to put it all on my tab. Tonight\u2019s all on me.\u201d<\/p>\n James smiled and patted Joe\u2019s shoulder, releasing his earlier frustration. \u201cJoe, didn\u2019t know you had THAT much money!\u201d He exclaimed with a wink.<\/p>\n \u201cGo on–get out of here!\u201d Joe insisted. James signaled the crew to follow him and they turned their horses towards Virginia City.<\/p>\n Joe walked over to Cochise, where Candy stood waiting. \u201cWell, you did it,\u201d Candy announced proudly and Joe nodded.<\/p>\n \u201cWe all got it done,\u201d Joe reaffirmed. \u201cAren\u2019t you going into town with the rest of the men, Candy?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cActually I was wondering the same thing about you.\u201d<\/p>\n Joe shook his head. \u201cThere are still a couple of things I have to do today—maybe I will tomorrow.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhat kinds of things?\u201d Candy asked confused. \u201cYou got those blasted ties delivered a day ahead of time—don\u2019t you think you deserve a little time away from work?\u201d he protested.<\/p>\n Joe mounted his horse. \u201cDo some celebrating for me today–okay?\u201d<\/p>\n Candy shrugged his shoulders as Joe rode off. He decided that all the problems between Joe and Ben would not just go away without a little help. He mounted his horse and turned and rode off towards the Ponderosa.<\/p>\n \u201cI thought Joseph would be with you, Candy?\u201d Ben asked as he stood from his desk at the ranch house.<\/p>\n \u201cJoe decided that he had some more work to do.\u201d Candy stopped abruptly and tried to get it in his head what he was going to say next. \u201cMind if I pour myself a drink?\u201d Candy asked trying for a way to break the ice with his boss.<\/p>\n Ben walked over to the brandy and poured Candy a drink. He could sense that the man had something on his mind. \u201cDid you want to talk to me about something?\u201d he asked handing Candy the glass.<\/p>\n \u201cYes, sir—I did. I know it\u2019s probably none of my business—but I want to talk to you about Joe.\u201d<\/p>\n Ben walked over to his favorite chair by the fireplace and slowly sank down on it\u2019s cushion. \u201cWhat is it that you want to say?\u201d Ben responded quietly.<\/p>\n \u201cI just can\u2019t stand to see you both like this—it\u2019s just not like you–like either of you! You\u2019ve always been such a close family! Why are you both avoiding each other? Joe thinks it\u2019s because of Hoss—is that true?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhat has Joseph told you?\u201d Ben asked, surprised that Candy had come to the point so bluntly.<\/p>\n \u201cHe told me that things haven\u2019t been the same between the two of you ever since Hoss\u2019 death.\u201d<\/p>\n Ben stood and faced the fireplace, staring into the flames. It was minutes later that he finally spoke. \u201cDoes he really think anything will ever be the same without his brother?\u201d Ben questioned, a great deal of pain in his voice.<\/p>\n \u201cNo, in fact he\u2019s been out there killing himself trying to forget that Hoss won\u2019t be coming back!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI just don\u2019t know what to say, Candy,\u201d Ben turned back around. \u201cI know it hasn\u2019t been easy on him—\u201d<\/p>\n Candy cut Ben off harshly. \u201cWell, you\u2019re not making it very easy! Why do you keep putting so much on him? He\u2019s only one man and he\u2019s been doing the work of at least two!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI just don\u2019t know how to talk to him any more. No matter how hard I try, I just can\u2019t.\u201d<\/p>\n Candy stood and put his hand on Ben\u2019s shoulder, offering what comfort he could. He could see the desperation written all over the man\u2019s face and at that moment Candy felt more like a member of the family and not just an employee. \u201cI know how much you must miss Hoss,\u201d Candy paused again. \u201cBut, isn\u2019t it about time that you and Joe confront your feelings about his death?\u201d Candy asked pleadingly.<\/p>\n Ben looked over at Candy, sadness controlling his face. \u201cI think I could use some fresh air,\u201d he said and walked towards the front door to retrieve his hat.<\/p>\n \u201cI think Joe is down at the breaking corral,\u201d Candy called over to Ben in the hope that the man would go to his son. He prayed that was Ben\u2019s reason for the quick getaway.<\/p>\n Ben turned and left the house without a reply.<\/p>\n It was almost dusk when Joe reluctantly made his way down to the grove of oak trees that surrounded the property where his brother Hoss was buried. He really didn\u2019t want to be there, and he had fought the urge to turn back with each step of the way. Joe hadn\u2019t been to the grave since the day of the funeral, he just couldn\u2019t bring himself to believe it was all true. But, the following day would mark a whole year since the tragedy had happened. He felt it was something he should do out of respect.<\/p>\n Joe approached the granite headstone which bore his brother\u2019s name and his nickname. He stood a few moments in silence and then began talking out loud. \u201cI guess this is customary,\u201d Joe said and placed some wild flowers on the grave. \u201cAs you can see I\u2019ve gone to a lot of trouble for you,\u201d Joe referred to the flowers. \u201cYou know I don\u2019t have a lot of time anymore—especially no time for picking flowers! You sure left me holding the bag—I don\u2019t have any time to goof off any more! Not that it would be any fun without YOU to irritate!\u201d<\/p>\n Joe started to feel the tears welling up in his eyes. \u201cWhy did you have to go and be a hero!\u201d he yelled. \u201cYou weren\u2019t supposed to die—don\u2019t you know that you were supposed to be indestructible? How could you leave me? We were the ones who would keep the Ponderosa going—how can I do it by myself?\u201d Joe kneeled down and wiped the leaves off of the headstone. \u201cSometimes I really hate you, you know? Sometimes I wish you knew how many lives you\u2019ve messed up by saving that kid! Maybe he would have gotten out of the way in time—maybe he wouldn\u2019t have been hurt bad. But, no, you had to save him!\u201d<\/p>\n Joe broke down at last. He had held the tears in as long as possible and now there was no stopping them. \u201cI miss you so much, Big Brother! Why couldn\u2019t you have been a little less concerned about others and a little more concerned about yourself?\u201d Joe questioned angrily. Joe stood back up again and finally admitted, \u201cI guess you did what you thought you had to. You know you told me to take care of Pa? It\u2019s just not that easy anymore. He misses you so badly–he can\u2019t even bring himself to admit it to me. Things just aren\u2019t the same here without you. I don\u2019t know how any of us can get along without you to help us make some sense out of this crazy world!\u201d<\/p>\n Joe began to leave, but turned back towards the grave when he remembered he had something else to tell his brother. \u201cI know I never told you—you know the way I am—I just never got around to saying the words. But, I love you, Hoss, and I\u2019ll never forget you—never!\u201d Joe wiped his eyes on his jacket sleeve. He felt so terribly empty deep inside his heart and soul. Like the best part of himself was gone forever. Joe took one final look at his brother\u2019s grave and turned away. The bereaved brother never spotted the buckskin horse, nor its rider, which looked down at him from their perch on the ridge over- looking the grave. Mounting Cochise, Joe rode off in the opposite direction.<\/p>\n It had been a long day and as Joe stabled his horse late that night, he thought only about getting into his bed. He felt physically drained and emotionally spent. So, when he noticed his father\u2019s presence in the living room he hoped there wouldn\u2019t be much more to their conversation, other than finding out about the shipment of railroad ties.<\/p>\n \u201cI thought you might have gone into town,\u201d Ben commented as Joe removed his jacket and hat and walked over to the fireplace.<\/p>\n \u201cNo, I didn\u2019t feel like going there tonight.\u201d Joe stretched his hands out toward the fire and warmed them. \u201cDid Candy tell you about the ties?\u201d he asked, never looking directly at his father.<\/p>\n \u201cYes. I didn\u2019t expect them to be delivered until tomorrow.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWell, there was no sense delaying it any further,\u201d Joe returned quietly.<\/p>\n \u201cIs that the only reason that you got them done today, Joseph?\u201d Ben pried.<\/p>\n Joe turned toward his father, staring into his eyes at last. He wondered how he would react to the complete truth. Joe decided to hit him with it head-on. \u201cNo, Pa, that wasn\u2019t the only reason. Of course, I knew how concerned you were about me getting the job done, but it wasn\u2019t the main reason—\u201d Joe paused and swallowed hard. \u201cI didn\u2019t want to be involved with business tomorrow.\u201d<\/p>\n Ben knew what his son was getting at. If they were to try to resolve the gap in their relationship, Ben supposed now was as good a time as any. \u201cI never should have let the shipment be due on that date,\u201d Ben confessed sadly and Joe looked over at him, surprised to hear him admit it. \u201cI\u2019m sorry if it put too much on you, Joseph. As a matter of fact, I guess I\u2019m sorry for a lot of things I\u2019ve done lately.\u201d Ben neared his son. \u201cI think it\u2019s about time that we talked. Come over here and sit down will you please?\u201d Ben asked quietly and walked over to the couch. Joe hadn\u2019t expected this at all. He appeared to be somewhat stunned as he followed his father and took a seat next to him.<\/p>\n \u201cI really don\u2019t know how or where to start—\u201d Ben fought to control his voice, the emotion filling his tone. \u201cIt\u2019s almost as though I\u2019ve been in a daze ever since your brother\u2019s death. I guess the reason that I haven\u2019t been able to talk to you—is because I haven\u2019t been able to accept his death myself. I\u2019ve been through grief many times, but this time—it was far too close—far too sudden. One minute Hoss was here, the next minute I\u2019m in town with you claiming his body,\u201d Ben stopped abruptly and Joe stared into his eyes.<\/p>\n \u201cI know how bad it feels, Pa. The feeling that it was all too soon—that we never got to say what we wanted to.\u201d<\/p>\n Ben nodded. \u201cEven now I can\u2019t help thinking that the door over there is going to open and we\u2019ll hear the heaviness of his boots as he makes his way over to the table.\u201d<\/p>\n The expression on Joe’s face turned to total surprise to hear his father sharing the very same thoughts he had experienced every single day. The thought that his brother was surely going to return, just as before, haunted him day and night. Hearing his father say the same thing to him now, was something he really needed from him.<\/p>\n \u201cWhy couldn\u2019t we talk like this before, Pa?\u201d Joe asked quietly, filled with sorrow over all of the time that they had kept their feelings from one another. \u201cI wanted so much to talk to you—to share this with you.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cBecause, Joseph, until today I guess I never really thought about how bad you were hurting yourself,\u201d Ben apologized as he reached for his son’s arm. He could feel the awkwardness of touching Joe and it pained his heart. Ben had never felt uncomfortable in the past in showing his affection, but the year spent holding back from Joe had taken its toll on their relationship. There before him sat his youngest child, now a man. Joe had gone from being the baby of the family to only son all in one day. With his oldest brother, Adam, living a new life in England, it left Joe now as sole heir to the Ponderosa. It also meant that all of the responsibility had fallen on him, and he was showing the signs that he was caving under the weight of it all. \u201cCandy told me how you were doing your best to take on the whole load—I never meant to put it all on you. Maybe I was expecting you to fill your brother\u2019s shoes—I don\u2019t know.\u201d<\/p>\n Joe shook his head. \u201cI never even thought I could fill his shoes; Pa, Hoss was better than I will ever be. I know I can never take his place, no matter how hard I try.\u201d<\/p>\n Ben could feel the tears stinging his eyes after hearing what his son had conveyed. He could read the sadness on Joe\u2019s face at having not lived up to what his brother had been in life. \u201cListen to me, Joseph, I don\u2019t want you to! I love you just as deeply as I loved your brother Hoss. You are just as special to me in your own way, as he was in his.\u201d Ben forced his gaze on his son. \u201cIf you try to be the same as Hoss was, then I would lose the part of you that makes you Joe.\u00a0 I don’t want that — and I never did.”<\/p>\n The statement, coming off with his father\u2019s love, melted the wall which had existed between them both for such a long time. Joe, feeling so relieved to know that he was not expected to measure up to his brother, reached for his father. Ben pulled his son into his arms and held him tightly against his chest.<\/p>\n \u201cI’m so sorry I pushed you away, Son,\u201d Ben whispered as tears drifted down from his eyes.<\/p>\n \u201cI was so worried, Pa—so worried that you blamed me–\u201d Joe broke down and sobbed. Once the block was off, all of his pent up hurt came pouring out. There was no stopping it now.<\/p>\n Ben pulled Joe back so that he could stare into his sad hazel eyes. \u201cOh, Joseph!\u201d Ben exclaimed, ashamed of his own behavior over the past year. \u201cYou didn\u2019t think that! Oh—no—that never even entered my mind because it’s just not true!\u00a0 Son, I’m so sorry if I somehow put that notion in your head—-\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cIf only I had changed jobs with him that day –then none of this would have happened!\u201d Joe insisted and then, the weight of that statement hurt him so badly that he clung to his father again. He wasn’t at all sure if it was his father who had made him feel like he was the one to blame, or whether it had only been caused by his own misguided notions.<\/p>\n \u201cIt was never your fault, Joseph —I sent you two into town that day. If anyone is to blame, it\u2019s me.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNo, Pa—it wasn\u2019t your fault!\u201d Joe protested, gripping his father\u2019s arm to get his point across.<\/p>\n \u201cAnd it wasn\u2019t yours either.\u201d Ben insisted firmly and sighed wearily. \u201cIt happened; it will probably never make sense to us I’m afraid. Your brother happened to have one bad flaw—he loved others more than he loved himself. But then, that was Hoss. His heart was bigger than his whole body. He died the same as he lived, thinking about everyone else.\u201d Closing his eyes, Ben tried his best to let go of some of his grief. He knew that he would always hurt, and most likely so would Joe. But now, he had to patch the relationship there in front of him. It wasn’t fair that he had put his son second to his own grief for an entire year, and Ben knew Hoss wouldn’t have wanted him to do that either.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019ve missed you, Pa,” Joe whispered as he felt his father\u2019s hand softly caressing the curls on back of his head, just like he used to do before Hoss died and their relationship had grown strained.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019ve missed you too, Joseph,” Ben choked out, still filled with remorse because he had almost lost something very precious to him; his relationship with his youngest son.<\/p>\n Father and son sat there in the living room for a long while trying to hold on to the moment, each of them drawing strength and courage from each other. As the tears started to finally ease up, Joe spoke up, \u201cSo? What do we do now? How are we going to get through this, Pa?\u201d<\/p>\n Ben patted his son\u2019s arm as he pulled himself up off of the couch. \u201cDo you think Hoss would like us sitting here crying over him?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNo–not Hoss! I don\u2019t think he\u2019d like that one bit,\u201d Joe replied thinking of his brother. He wouldn\u2019t have liked the idea that he had caused his family so much pain.<\/p>\n \u201cThen let\u2019s not.\u201d Ben nodded.<\/p>\n \u201cBut I want to talk about him, Pa! Because when I talk about Hoss it\u2019s almost like he\u2019s still here. That\u2019s what I\u2019ve missed so much,\u201d Joe confessed.\u00a0 \u201cTalking about him — it\u2019s like it keeps him alive in my mind, you know?”<\/p>\n \u201cI like remembering and talking about him too—but let\u2019s only talk about the good times tonight, okay?\u201d Ben asked.<\/p>\n Joe managed a smile and nodded his head. \u201cThere were a lot of good times, Pa!\u201d Joe announced.<\/p>\n \u201cWell, we have all night,\u201d Ben returned his son\u2019s smile.\u00a0 \u201cAnd I don\u2019t have any plans for tomorrow either.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNo plans tomorrow, Pa?\u201d Joe asked, shooting a prying glance over to his father.<\/p>\n Ben caught on to what his son had in mind. He knew that Joe would want to go with him to his brother\u2019s grave now that they had opened up to each other at last. \u201cYes, Joseph. We\u2019ll go on out there tomorrow. I think your brother won\u2019t mind that little bit of sentimentality.\u00a0 But tonight we remember Hoss as he was, alright?\u201d<\/p>\n Joe stood and walked over to the brandy on the table in his father\u2019s study. He poured two drinks and brought them over to Ben. \u201cHere,\u201d Joe said handing his father a glass. \u201cNow–you remember that time that Hoss bought the gold detector?\u201d Joe grinned at the thought of one of his brother\u2019s great escapades.<\/p>\n \u201cWhich one?\u201d Ben laughed. \u201cWeren\u2019t there several of them?\u201d<\/p>\n Joe continued with his story, which was followed by many, many more, told by both him and Ben. And, as they shared the memories, and laughter filled the room for the first time in so long, it was as if a gentle giant of a man sat right there with them and laughed right along.<\/p>\n The end<\/p>\n Written for Mom and Hoss 1986<\/p>\n Pre Wrangler<\/p>\n (Before anything is mentioned in email to the author, she acknowledges that she purposely left out the character of Jamie. Both pre-Wrangler and Wrangler never could emotionally handle the fact that Joe was not the youngest son according to the television series and took it upon themselves to play with those facts. Also, we did have Adam ending up in England, but it was as good a place as any in the author\u2019s mind.) *** This was written on a typewriter in 1986, long before home computers.\u00a0 It’s pretty rough, but has purposely been left pretty much intact, as it was the first Wrangler story to ever get posted. ***<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Tags: Ben Cartwright, Joe \/ Little Joe Cartwright, grief<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Summary:\u00a0 Ben and Little Joe’s relationship is strained as they struggle to come to terms with the loss of Hoss. It takes a moment of heart-wrenching honesty to bring them together again.\u00a0 Rating T, WC 11,000<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":140,"featured_media":10210,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"template-full-width-post.php","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2},"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_members_access_role":[],"_members_access_error":""},"categories":[1015,23,41],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-5904","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-joe-pa","category-drama","category-hurtcomfort","wpcat-1015-id","wpcat-23-id","wpcat-41-id"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/12\/serious-Hoss.jpg?fit=269%2C298&ssl=1","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5904","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/140"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=5904"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5904\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/10210"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=5904"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=5904"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=5904"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}
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