Summary: Ben shares his thoughts about both the tragedy and triumph he experiences when Little Joe is blinded.\u00a0 Based on the episode, “The Stillness Within”. Rating T, WC 7430<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
One More Day<\/strong><\/p>\n *** Last night I had a crazy dream, a wish was granted just for me.\u00a0 It could be for anything.\u00a0 I didn\u2019t ask for money or a mansion in Malibu, I simply wished for one more day with you.\u00a0 One more day, one more time.\u00a0 One more sunset, maybe I\u2019d be satisfied.\u00a0 But then again, I know what it would do.\u00a0 Leave me wishing still for one more day with you.\u00a0 One more day. *** (excerpt from song \u201cOne More Day\u201d written by Bobby Tomberlin and Steven Dale Jones.)<\/p>\n <\/p>\n I sat in the living room staring at the fading embers in the fireplace as they smoldered and sent out their last gasp of heat.\u00a0 The house was quiet, much too quiet.\u00a0 No, it was more of a stillness, I thought, yes, the stillness within the Ponderosa Ranch House.\u00a0 Miss Dobbs had told Joseph to consider the stillness he held inside as he thought out his moves and counted the steps that would take him to every piece of furniture and how to get in and out of the house.\u00a0 I shook my head and thought back on the last three months.\u00a0 Joseph being blind, it was a nightmare for all of us, and I felt it more intensely that night.\u00a0 Miss Dobbs had put it as gently as she could for me, I suppose.\u00a0 She said that she knew how much I loved my son and that I would want the very best for him.\u00a0 It seemed like a salesman\u2019s pitch to me, and I knew that something was about to be said that I wouldn\u2019t want to hear, but what she said next made me fall back into my chair.\u00a0 She wants to take Joseph to the school for the blind in San Francisco.\u00a0 She said that she thought he\u2019d make an excellent teacher.\u00a0 I almost had to laugh at her words. \u00a0Joseph a teacher?\u00a0 My boy only got out of school because Miss Gower couldn\u2019t take his antics any longer and let him leave when he was just shy of sixteen.\u00a0 But now suddenly my son would make an \u201cexcellent\u201d teacher!\u00a0 I understood the point she was trying to make, though the minute she said it my first thought was to walk across the room and pour a shot of brandy.\u00a0 I didn\u2019t do that \u2013 I couldn\u2019t.\u00a0 Miss Dobbs could hear every step and would instantly know where I had gone and would be able to detect the sound of brandy being poured into a glass.\u00a0 I simply told her, \u201cOf course I wanted the best for Joseph\u201d.\u00a0 Miss Dobbs went on telling me that Joseph felt useless here and that he needed to believe that he was useful.\u00a0 Did she think that I didn\u2019t NEED<\/strong> him?\u00a0 He was more than useful in my eyes!\u00a0 But I had to listen, after all I had brought her out to the ranch to help my son in the first place.\u00a0 I was starting to believe that Joe might have been right when he had demanded that no one be brought into this house to assist him.\u00a0 Maybe the road to hell was<\/em><\/strong> paved with good intentions?\u00a0 I thought back on those grueling first days and the accident, which was the reason why I might end up losing my son now.<\/p>\n ************<\/p>\n I was shocked to hear my son, Hoss, as his shout came from out front.\u00a0 I hurried to the door and instantly saw him holding Joseph in his arms as he lifted him out of the back of the buckboard.<\/p>\n \u201cPa \u2013 there\u2019s been a bad accident!\u201d Hoss shouted out of breath as he drew closer to me.\u00a0\u00a0 He looked winded, though it couldn\u2019t be from carrying his brother.\u00a0 No, Hoss looked petrified.<\/p>\n \u201cBring him up to his room!\u201d I insisted and held the door open wider.\u00a0 I practically ran up the stairs right behind my middle boy, and with each step that I took I fought back my fears.<\/p>\n He spread Joe gently onto the comforter there on the bed and then turned to me; his eyes brimming with tears.\u00a0 For such a big man he could appear so childlike at times, so strong yet so full of worry over his little brother.<\/p>\n \u201cWhat happened?\u201d I asked, my fingers shaking as they touched Joe\u2019s torn clothes and the blood that coated them.<\/p>\n \u201cThe nitro \u2013 it was on one of those shelves \u2013 I don\u2019t know how it dumped over \u2013 Joe couldn\u2019t say.\u00a0 He\u2019s been out of it, Pa.\u00a0 We had to dig him out from underneath the boards of that shed.\u00a0 Pa \u2013 Pa I thought he was dead,\u201d Hoss fought back his tears and the shock of seeing his brother half-way blown to shreds.<\/p>\n \u201cHave you sent someone for Doc?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYes, Sir, he should be here soon.\u201d<\/p>\n Drawing in a deep breath I attempted to go into my \u201cpa mode\u201d and fought back my fears.\u00a0 \u201cGet Hop Sing to bring up soap, water and extra towels.\u00a0 I\u2019ll get him out of what\u2019s left of his clothes.\u201d<\/p>\n Hoss pointed to the mass of bruises on the side of Joe\u2019s head.\u00a0 \u201cPa \u2013 he got hit bad on that side of his head\u2013 I was so afraid that –,\u201d He couldn\u2019t get his words to sound coherent as he drew in a deep breath.<\/p>\n I touched Hoss\u2019 arm and nodded, attempting to allay his fears.\u00a0 \u201cJoseph is tough— we\u2019ll get him fixed up.\u00a0 Just go and get Hop Sing, Son.\u201d<\/p>\n Hoss turned and hurried out of the bedroom while I tried my best to get my youngest out of his clothes.\u00a0 That proved to be a chore as the caked blood had glued some of the remnants of his shirt and pants to his body.<\/p>\n \u201cIt\u2019s going to be okay, Son, your Pa\u2019s right here,\u201d I whispered when I finally got the boy free of the blood-soaked clothing and gently slipped him underneath his sheet and blanket.\u00a0 I tried not to dwell on the way the right side of Joe\u2019s face appeared up there by his hairline.\u00a0 The large mass of bruises was a frightening sight.\u00a0 They were solid black, and I knew that meant bleeding underneath his skin.\u00a0 And the fact that Joseph hadn\u2019t moved an inch, not even when I tugged the remnants of his clothes off his body gave me pause.\u00a0 I tried my best not to think of the ramifications of his injuries and how they might affect him.\u00a0 I\u2019d turn those concerns over to Doctor Paul Martin as soon as he arrived.<\/p>\n ****************<\/p>\n Paul made it to the house an hour later and, after washing his hands, went about inspecting the numerous cuts and bruises all over Joe\u2019s body.\u00a0 He and I placed bandages over what we could, and I waited and watched Doc for a sign.\u00a0 Paul never said anything right off, he was always measured in his assessment of a patient until he had done what he could for them.<\/p>\n \u201cDoc?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019ve got him patched up the best I can, Ben, he\u2019s taken quite a blow to the head \u2013 he\u2019s got a concussion –there\u2019s no way of telling how bad it is,\u201d Paul said and tried to tell me about his diagnosis in a calming tone.<\/p>\n And then suddenly there was the first sign that Joe was coming back to me.\u00a0 He muttered a few unintelligible words, as I leaned close to him up at the head of the bed. I wasn\u2019t prepared for what happened next.<\/p>\n \u201cPa? \u00a0Pa?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cDoc says you\u2019re going to be alright.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cDarn cat \u2013 knocked the \u2013 knocked the nitro off the shelf,\u201d Joe muttered his explanation.<\/p>\n \u201cYou took quite a walloping there.\u00a0 You trying to blow up the whole world?\u201d I attempted to make light of the situation.<\/p>\n And that was the moment that I will remember for the rest of my life.\u00a0 Joe\u2019s eyes \u2013 they were open and yet they didn\u2019t focus on me.\u00a0 I could tell that he was trying to find me but couldn\u2019t.<\/p>\n \u201cPa?\u00a0 Pa\u2014where are you?\u00a0 Pa –I can\u2019t \u2013 I can\u2019t see you!\u201d<\/p>\n I grabbed Joseph\u2019s left hand as it sought out my face.\u00a0 With a firm, albeit trembling grip, my fingers encircled his.<\/p>\n \u201cJoe?\u201d I could scarcely utter his name, my fear increasing with every second that my boy\u2019s eyes didn\u2019t focus on my face.<\/p>\n \u201cPa — I\u2019m blind!\u201d Joe gasped.<\/p>\n Paul stared over at me as though he\u2019d known what had happened to my son all along.\u00a0 He had said it, that we\u2019d just have to wait and \u201csee\u201d.\u00a0 Well, we could \u201csee\u201d but Joseph couldn\u2019t \u201csee\u201d any longer.<\/p>\n ************<\/p>\n I stood and decided to toss one large log onto the dying embers of the fireplace.\u00a0 It should be enough to carry us through this long night; I thought to myself and once more sat down in the blue chair.\u00a0 I knew I\u2019d never be able to sleep, not knowing what Miss Dobbs had in mind to tell Joseph the next day.\u00a0 She had hidden her blindness from my son during the two months she had helped teach him.\u00a0 It was supposed to be some grand surprise so the boy would know that he could also live a life that was useful too.\u00a0 I hadn\u2019t minded that thought at first but now, however, it seemed like the surprise was on me and not my son.\u00a0 I never suspected that she would encourage him to leave for a life of teaching far away from his home and me. \u00a0Her reveal would help Joe make up his mind, and he\u2019d probably choose to go and try to become a teacher.\u00a0 I would have to pretend that I was just fine with the plan and wish my son well.\u00a0 That\u2019s what a parent is supposed to do; put themselves last.\u00a0 Now that Miss Dobbs was in bed, I decided that I deserved that brandy.\u00a0 I walked over to my desk and poured two fingers full, taking my glass back over to my chair.\u00a0 It wasn\u2019t a night for sleep but for reflecting.<\/p>\n *************<\/p>\n The days that had followed the discovery that Joseph was blind were unimaginably difficult.\u00a0 Joe had asked for assurances every single day that he would get his sight back.\u00a0 We all told him that he would and to be patient.\u00a0 Sure.\u00a0 Joseph was never a patient person \u2013 not in his entire life!\u00a0 But he had some healing up to do with his other wounds and in a way that was a good thing because it kept him in bed where he wouldn\u2019t get hurt and I could keep my eye on him.\u00a0 Meanwhile Hoss and I talked about how we would help watch him. A month passed by, and only then did Joe fall into a deep depression.\u00a0 He felt that Doc wasn\u2019t telling him the truth about the chances of him getting his sight back and it angered him.\u00a0 Paul was used to my son\u2019s ill temper at times and the two of them usually had a good rapport that would often make Joseph laugh; until now.\u00a0 Joe begged for an honest answer and Paul could only say that he couldn\u2019t promise him that he\u2019d see again but that he shouldn\u2019t lose hope.\u00a0 By the end of that first month Joseph had no hope left inside of him.<\/p>\n How can a father not hover when their child is hurt, no matter how old that child might be?\u00a0 I tried my best not to fuss over him so much, I really did.\u00a0 But that day when I heard him there on the top of the staircase, I was filled with dread that he\u2019d fall and break his neck.\u00a0 I don\u2019t even remember shouting, but Hoss later told me that I had.\u00a0 It didn\u2019t help.\u00a0 Joseph held onto the banister for dear life and by the time he made it down to the bottom he was hopping mad.\u00a0 I remember that day all too well.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m not an infant!\u201d Joe fumed and tried to home in on where I was standing still holding my breath.<\/p>\n \u201cI know that — I just wanted –,\u201d<\/p>\n Joe cut his father off.\u00a0 \u201cYeah, Pa \u2013 you wanted to hold my arm, take me down the stairs, and drag me across to the table.\u00a0 Then you\u2019d pull out my chair and cut up my food.\u00a0 Can\u2019t you at least let me try to do this?\u00a0 I mean you were the one hounding me to get out of my bedroom!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cLittle Brother,\u201d Hoss began as he drew closer, trying to calm him down.\u00a0 \u201cPa was just looking out for you.\u201d<\/p>\n Joe\u2019s ironic laughter rang out loudly.\u00a0 \u201cYeah \u2013 looking out \u2013 you two can look out \u2013 I can\u2019t.\u00a0 So, just let me bump into furniture and make a mess at the table.\u00a0 Never mind,\u201d Joe turned back for the stairs and grabbed the railing.\u00a0 He dragged himself up into his room.<\/p>\n ***********<\/p>\n It had taken two more days before Joe had agreed to come back downstairs and make a try at getting to the table.\u00a0 I watched from my chair in the dining room and held my place and my breath.\u00a0 Joseph had made it down the stairs and then his hands shot out in front of him as if he was grabbing at the air.\u00a0 One minute he was heading in the right direction and the next he was about to miss the sofa and head towards the front door.\u00a0 I jumped from my chair and was across the room in only a few seconds\u2019 time.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m right here, Joseph, I\u2019ve got you,\u201d I said as I grabbed the boy\u2019s arm.\u00a0 This time, unlike earlier in the week, he seemed to welcome my touch and even placed both of his hands firmly onto my arm as though it was a lifeline.<\/p>\n \u201cJust \u2013 just show me where the sofa is,\u201d Joe insisted.<\/p>\n I guided him back towards the settee and he leaned forward grabbing onto the top of it.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019ve got it from here, Pa,\u201d Joe nodded as he grasped at each piece of furniture.<\/p>\n I stood right next to my son and had to pull the end dining chair out of the way before he hit it.\u00a0 Joe took his place at the table, and his hands fell in front of him searching for his plate and cup.<\/p>\n \u201cHere, let me fill your plate,\u201d I offered and Joe hesitantly held his plate up in the air trying his best to discern the direction of my voice.<\/p>\n I set my son\u2019s food on his plate and hoped he wouldn\u2019t notice how I\u2019d already cut up the meat.\u00a0 I sure didn\u2019t want to send Joe back up into his room again.\u00a0 \u201cThe meat is on the left, and the vegetables are on the right,\u201d I directed quietly.\u00a0 I touched his outstretched hands and placed the plate into them.<\/p>\n \u201cThanks, Pa.\u00a0 Where\u2019s Hoss?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThere\u2019s a sick mare out in the barn — and \u2013well you know your brother he\u2019s tending to it.\u201d<\/p>\n Joe reached for his fork and attempted several times to spear a piece of anything from off his plate, finally succeeding.\u00a0\u00a0 I watched him eat, finding words hard to come by at that moment.\u00a0 All I could think about was Joseph\u2019s eyes and how they rarely blinked.\u00a0 It happened just a few times and I determined it to be his body\u2019s automatic response to cleaning his eyes to prevent anything from irritating them.\u00a0 I tried my best not to watch his every movement, though Joseph wouldn\u2019t know that I was doing it anyhow.\u00a0 But that blank hopeless stare, it just got to me.\u00a0 It was almost like he was staring into the tragedy of it all and the bleak future Joseph supposed awaited him.<\/p>\n \u201cYou\u2019re sure quiet tonight, Pa,\u201d Joe mentioned and turned to where he knew I sat at the head of the table just to his left.<\/p>\n \u201cOh\u2014well I\u2019ve just been thinking,\u201d I said but was worried about going any further with what I had wanted to broach with Joseph.\u00a0 I had thought about mentioning getting a teacher from the institute for the blind to help him, but I knew that the mere suggestion of it would set him off the same way it had done when I’d first brought it up weeks ago.<\/p>\n \u201cYou know \u2013 that\u2019s something that\u2019s hard for me,\u201d Joe trailed off and carefully brought his water glass up to his lips, almost spilling it as he tried to set it back down on the table.<\/p>\n \u201cWhat\u2019s that, Son?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWell \u2013 I miss being able to see your face, Pa.\u00a0 I mean it\u2019s always been pretty easy for me to read.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cOh?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cSure,\u201d Joe nodded.\u00a0 \u201cI mean if you raise one of your eyebrows it means \u201cJoseph you are digging yourself in deeper and I don\u2019t believe one word that you\u2019ve just said.\u201d<\/p>\n I laughed heartily at that observation.\u00a0 \u201cI never knew that, Joseph.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYes, Sir,\u201d Joe nodded again and continued, \u201cand then there\u2019s the way that you raise both of your eyebrows \u2013 now that\u2019s when I always knew that I was REALLY<\/strong> in for it.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhat does it mean if I raise both of my eyebrows, Joseph?\u201d I played along with my son, hoping that Joe was in a better mood that night.<\/p>\n \u201cOh, whenever you raised two eyebrows it always meant, \u201cdon\u2019t go there, young man or else\u201d.<\/p>\n \u201cI guess I don\u2019t have much of a poker face,\u201d I agreed smiling over to someone who couldn\u2019t see it.<\/p>\n \u201cNo, Sir, you\u2019ve never had that.\u00a0 Just like now \u2013 I imagine that you\u2019re looking over at me with the \u201cwhat can I say to make Joseph feel better\u201d look on your face.<\/p>\n \u201cNo, you\u2019re wrong, Son.\u00a0 Actually, I have the \u201cI wish Joseph would eat more of his dinner look\u201d on my face.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWell, no matter how you\u2019re looking at me right now \u2013 I sure miss seeing your face, Pa.\u00a0 What I\u2019d give for just one more day \u2013 one more time of seeing that \u201clook\u201d you always gave me when you knew I\u2019d been up to something!\u201d Joe exclaimed and suddenly grew quiet.<\/p>\n I reached over and placed my hand onto my son\u2019s left arm, trying my best to sound encouraging, \u201cJoseph, you\u2019ll see my face again.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNo, Pa, I don\u2019t think so,\u201d Joe whispered resolutely and then set his fork back alongside his plate.\u00a0 \u201cI think I\u2019ve had enough.\u00a0 Goodnight, Pa.\u201d<\/p>\n And with that statement, Joe slowly pulled his chair back and, inch by inch, found his way across the room and over to the staircase.\u00a0 I watched as my son tightly grabbed the banister with both of his hands, pulling himself higher and higher, like a sailor climbing a rope up to the crow\u2019s nest.\u00a0 Joseph hesitantly made his way up to his bedroom and closed himself in once again.<\/p>\n ************<\/p>\n Another week went by of trying to help my son and most of the time being unsuccessful.\u00a0 Joe stayed in his room most of the time, insisting that he was just fine up there in the solitude it afforded him.\u00a0 I knew I would lose him to his depression if I didn\u2019t take some kind of action.\u00a0 Joe had been very vocal in his insistence that he didn\u2019t want me to send for a teacher who could help him get around better while we waited for his vision to return.\u00a0 If I even brought it up, he\u2019d get defensive and then it would take a day or two for him to talk to me again.\u00a0 I felt as though I was walking on eggshells daily with my son and it pained my heart.\u00a0 There had always been such a tight unbreakable bond between the two of us.\u00a0 Now his blindness was tearing our relationship apart and my failure to act on my instincts wasn\u2019t making the situation any better.\u00a0 I\u2019ll never forget the night before the teacher from the blind school in San Francisco was due to arrive, unbeknownst to Joseph.<\/p>\n *************<\/p>\n I paused outside of Joe\u2019s bedroom and drew in a deep breath.\u00a0 In the past I used to steal into my son\u2019s room late at night to check on him when he was troubled.\u00a0 I\u2019d keep the wick of my lamp turned down low, trying not to awaken him.\u00a0 Now I wouldn\u2019t have to do that as Joseph would never see the light that it gave off.\u00a0 I gently eased the door to his bedroom open, quietly closing it behind me.\u00a0 I noticed that Joseph had managed to change into his nightshirt, but then again, I had asked Hop Sing to make sure that he left it at the end of the bed to help Joe find it on his own.\u00a0 I drew closer and stared down at my son and thought about all the things that I missed, Joe\u2019s laughter being one of them.\u00a0 It had always had such a strange twittering sound to it that it surprised and amused almost everyone who heard it.\u00a0 I hadn\u2019t heard my son\u2019s laughter, nor had I witnessed one smile from him ever since the accident.\u00a0 I missed Joseph, the way he was before his life was turned upside down.\u00a0 His personality was contradictory in so many ways.\u00a0 Sometimes Joseph was hot-tempered and easily angered whereas there were times that he was so kind and tender-hearted that it surprised those who didn\u2019t know him as well as I did.<\/p>\n Having checked on him and offering my usual prayer, I turned to leave the room and was surprised to hear my son\u2019s voice calling out to me.\u00a0 It was soft and yet there was an alarming undercurrent to it; he sounded upset even though all he had voiced was just the word \u201cpa\u201d.<\/p>\n \u201cI was \u2013 well I was just checking on you,\u201d I tried to pretend that I hadn\u2019t been worried as I walked back towards the bed.<\/p>\n \u201cWhat — were you worried that I\u2019d run off somewhere?\u201d Joe questioned a note of sarcasm in his tone.<\/p>\n I cleared my throat, choosing my response carefully.\u00a0 \u201cNo \u2013 just \u2013 well it\u2019s just the \u201cPa\u201d in me \u2013 you know — just counting heads before I go to bed.\u00a0 I guess I\u2019ll never change.\u201d I wondered why I felt so ill at ease around Joseph, almost as though I needed an excuse to be standing in his room at one in the morning.\u00a0 Joe wouldn\u2019t know the time, nor would he be aware that it was still dark outside.\u00a0 His whole world had been cast into perpetual darkness.<\/p>\n Joe pulled himself up and threw his legs over the side of the bed and whispered, \u201cI wish I had known — before the accident.\u00a0 I would\u2019ve looked at everything one last time.\u00a0 I would\u2019ve gone down to the lake and sat on my favorite rock and spent hours just looking across at the mountains.\u00a0 I\u2019d have ridden around the ranch \u2013 and groomed Cochise one last time while I could still see him.\u00a0 And I would\u2019ve played one last game of checkers with Hoss.\u201d<\/p>\n I settled down on the bed next to Joe and placed my arm across his shoulder.\u00a0 I waited to hear him out knowing that he wasn\u2019t done yet.<\/p>\n \u201cI wish I could have one more day, Pa, just one more.\u00a0 But I know that\u2019s not going to happen.\u00a0 I can\u2019t even look at your face right now to see what you\u2019re thinking.\u00a0 If I could just stare into your eyes, I\u2019d know if it was true that you really think that I\u2019ll get my sight back.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI think you will, you don\u2019t need to look into my eyes, Joseph,\u201d I answered as definitively as I could at the time.<\/p>\n \u201cYou have to say that \u2013 because you\u2019re my father.\u00a0 But maybe it\u2019s time to be honest, Pa.\u00a0 It\u2019s not going to happen and we both know it.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cJoseph, Doc says that you still might regain your vision.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cAre you telling me not to give up again, Pa?\u00a0 If that\u2019s the case, then why do you keep asking me about getting a teacher from that blind school?\u201d<\/p>\n I breathed in deeply deciding it was time to try again to get through to my son.\u00a0 \u201cThat\u2019s not giving up, Joseph, — it\u2019s just a way of helping you to get by until your sight returns,\u201d I replied and tried to sound convincing though I had to accept the fact that a month had come and gone and Doc told me that the chance of Joe\u2019s vision being restored was almost nil now.<\/p>\n I could feel Joe\u2019s body stiffen over what I had said, and I could almost feel the rage building inside of him at the time.<\/p>\n \u201cThe minute that a teacher comes here I\u2019ll know that my life is over \u2013 that\u2019s why I told you that I don\u2019t want one here!\u201d\u00a0 Joe returned, his voice filled with anger at the very thought of getting help for his blindness.<\/p>\n I placed my hand onto the back of my son\u2019s neck and tried to massage it a bit to calm him down some.\u00a0 I then replied quietly, \u201cThat\u2019s just not the truth, Joseph, if a teacher were to come here it would mean that I just wanted to get help for you until you regained your sight.\u201d\u00a0 I wondered how I could lie like that to my son.\u00a0 Miss Dobbs would be arriving later that day.\u00a0 I couldn\u2019t let him know \u2013 because I knew how he would rebel at the mere thought that I\u2019d gone against his wishes.<\/p>\n Joe pulled himself away from me in anger, thrusting his body up to the head of his bed.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019m not gonna talk about that anymore, Pa!\u00a0 Now, I\u2019ve told you how I feel \u2013 that\u2019s it.\u201d<\/p>\n I shook my head wearily knowing that Joseph couldn\u2019t see my worry or the betrayal all over my face.\u00a0 I just had to remind myself that I was his father and sometimes a father must make some tough decisions for the greater good.\u00a0 I pulled myself off the bed and attempted to push aside the curls that had fallen onto Joseph\u2019s forehead, a gesture that I\u2019d always done as a show of affection.<\/p>\n \u201cI want you to rest, Joseph.\u00a0 Things always seem worse at night,\u201d I whispered and hoped he didn\u2019t hear the defeat in my voice.<\/p>\n \u201cIt\u2019s been night for a month now, Pa \u2013 I\u2019ve been in the dark all that time.\u201d<\/p>\n Joe sounded so desperate that I found myself to be struggling even worse than usual to choose the right words that might help.\u00a0 Before I could respond he jumped back in.<\/p>\n \u201cGo on to bed, Pa \u2013 there\u2019s nothing you can do about any of this and we both know it.\u201d<\/p>\n I reached down and set my hand on my son\u2019s shoulder and offered, \u201cSometimes a man just has to let it all out \u2013 it helps.\u201d<\/p>\n Joe gave a short ironic laugh and replied, \u201cMy eyes don\u2019t work anymore, Pa, not even to cry.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cGood night, Joseph,\u201d I whispered and had to give up the cause at least for the present time.\u00a0 I walked to the bedroom door and opened it, casting a parting glance at my boy. He was just sitting there up against his headboard unmoving. This time I closed the door pretending that I had left.\u00a0 But I stood there inside the bedroom staying as quiet as a church mouse.\u00a0 That\u2019s when I saw my son lean forward dropping his head down into his hands.\u00a0 Joseph was sobbing.\u00a0\u00a0 I wanted to go to him and comfort him, but then I would reveal to my son that I\u2019d seen him break down before.\u00a0 And, just like tonight, he\u2019d never known that I wasn\u2019t far from him as my own tears had streamed down my cheeks, just like they were doing now.\u00a0 I had to wait until I saw Joe lean back and noticed that he had finally shut his sightless eyes.\u00a0 He was asleep at last.\u00a0 I shook my head and pushed away my latent tears as I slowly walked out of the bedroom.<\/p>\n ************<\/p>\n I looked down at the bottom of my glass and was surprised to find that I had polished off the contents without even tasting it.\u00a0 Staring over at the grandfather clock I sighed wearily.\u00a0 It was two in the morning and I wasn\u2019t even yawning, not with the thoughts that kept pounding in my brain.\u00a0 It was like I was doing a post-mortem of the last three months in my mind.\u00a0 It was tragic and yet it did have some triumphant moments as well.\u00a0 Of course, nothing ever went smoothly when Joseph got his dander up and he sure did that when he found out about Miss Dobb\u2019s arrival.\u00a0 I can still hear how he yelled that day!<\/p>\n *************<\/p>\n Hoss had eased his little brother inside the ranch house knowing the woman was waiting to meet her new pupil.\u00a0 Just as soon as I said the words, \u201cJoseph \u2013 there\u2019s someone I\u2019d like you to meet,\u201d it was as though he immediately knew what I had done.\u00a0 I\u2019m quite sure if situations had been different and it had been his oldest brother, Adam, who I\u2019d done this to, I\u2019d have heard the words from Shakespeare, \u201cE tu brute.\u201d I braced myself for Joseph\u2019s reaction and the upcoming explosion from him when he asked if she was from the institute.\u00a0 When Miss Dobbs confirmed that she was, he went on to say that he was going to get his sight back and that he didn\u2019t need her. \u00a0Then Joe yelled that he didn\u2019t want her here.\u00a0 I watched in muted horror as Joe almost ran to the stairs and then slammed hard into a chair causing him to fall to the floor.\u00a0 I did what any father would have done at the time.\u00a0 I raced over to Joe to pull him up.\u00a0 I wasn\u2019t prepared to face his overwhelming wrath.\u00a0 Joe shoved me away with his hand and then somehow made it to the stairs grabbing onto both sides of the banister as he hurried up to the safety of his bedroom.\u00a0 That was his introduction to Miss Dobbs, which later formed into a teacher-student relationship.\u00a0 The woman was a tough lady, and she was also a no-nonsense kind of person.\u00a0 Day by day she taught Joseph how to eat, how to count steps and how to go up and down the staircase.\u00a0 She also informed him that he wasn\u2019t the only person in the world to have lost their sight, and she expected more out of him than he gave her sometimes.\u00a0 I was amazed at how fast Joseph took to her, especially for a boy who had fought me tooth and nail over having a teacher come to the ranch.<\/p>\n There were still times when Joe would fall into despair and Miss Dobbs would caution me not to go to him; that was hard.\u00a0 I\u2019d always been there for my son, and I wasn\u2019t sure that it was a good thing to be so hands off now.\u00a0 However, she had known what to say to make him stop feeling sorry for himself much better than I ever could.\u00a0 Miss Dobbs said that it was because I was too close to him and that I loved him far too much.\u00a0 She had me pegged from the start.\u00a0 I loved him too much; I always had and I always will.<\/p>\n The day that Miss Dobbs showed Joseph about reading by learning braille was a pivotal moment.\u00a0 He had missed reading and he was told that if he began to learn to read then eventually, he could be taught how to write in braille too.\u00a0 Joe took right to it, surprising both his brother and me.\u00a0 I think that\u2019s the moment that Miss Dobbs first mentioned the fact that many teachers at the institute were also blind, though she never gave away the fact that she was one of those teachers.\u00a0 It put that notion into Joseph\u2019s mind, though he never said a word about it to me.<\/p>\n There was one day when Joe took a blow to his ego and fell into a deep depression again.\u00a0 A girl from town, one he was fond of, stopped by and for the first time could see that Joseph was blind.\u00a0 That had sent Joe up to his room, refusing to talk to anyone.\u00a0 He had later somehow got a bottle of pilfered whiskey somewhere and was having himself a good time outside in the rain in the pitch dark.\u00a0 I was heading out to have a stern discussion with Joseph when, once again, Miss Dobbs begged me to let her handle it.\u00a0 I didn\u2019t want to.\u00a0 I was still Joe\u2019s father, and I felt it was my place and not hers to get after him about his drinking.\u00a0 Hoss intervened that night and I had to give up once again.\u00a0 Miss Dobbs got through to Joseph, and she let him know that if he wasn\u2019t going to try that she was just going to leave and go back to the institute where she told him she was very badly needed.\u00a0 I know Joseph had grown so dependent on her help that it scared him, maybe enough to sober him up at the time.\u00a0 He straightened up and in a few days was amazing us all with his braille reading abilities.<\/p>\n Due to Miss Ellen Dobbs, my son laughed for the first time as he challenged me to a horseshoe match.\u00a0 I felt like I would cry the first time I heard him.\u00a0 It meant just that much to me to hear happiness coming out of him for the first time in three months.\u00a0 I had watched him progress from someone who was unsure in all his movements to a young man who stood straight and tall and somehow managed to get around every piece of furniture in the house.\u00a0 He could locate everything on the dinner table too.\u00a0 I couldn\u2019t have been happier.\u00a0 That is, until tonight.\u00a0 Now my heart hurts.\u00a0 She said that \u201cperhaps\u201d once Joseph learns that he can do something worthwhile and necessary he \u201cmight\u201d come back here and find a place for himself with me.\u00a0 Find a place for himself with me?\u00a0 What kind of a thing is that to say to me anyway?\u00a0 Joseph has a place with me for the rest of my life.\u00a0 He is my son.\u00a0 I need him!\u00a0 But she told me that Joseph needs this, he has to feel like he\u2019s needed by others besides his father and brothers.<\/p>\n ************<\/p>\n Standing from my chair I just shook my head at the thought of everything I\u2019ve already gone over for hours now.\u00a0 I\u2019ve got to let Joseph go.\u00a0 I also have to somehow, and I don\u2019t have any idea how to do this, let him think that I am just fine with it.\u00a0 I realize that he can\u2019t see my face so that\u2019s the easy part.\u00a0 However, he can surely hear my voice and I\u2019m quite sure it will break when I tell him to go and that I have no qualms about it.\u00a0 Dear Lord, why did he lose his sight?\u00a0 Why did someone so carelessly place the bottle of nitro there on that top shelf?\u00a0 This is my youngest, I\u2019m not even half done with him yet.\u00a0 Oh, God, help me find the words if there are any \u2013 that will help me let Joseph go.<\/p>\n There was only one last thing I had to do before going to my bedroom and trying to somehow get a few hours of sleep before Miss Dobbs revealed her great surprise for Joseph.\u00a0 I needed to see him.<\/p>\n *************<\/p>\n I stood outside of Joe\u2019s bedroom and thought back to the many times I had made a late-night pilgrimage inside.\u00a0 I remember Marie scolding me when we had finally moved the crib into the bedroom across from ours and tucked Little Joe in that first night.\u00a0 The boy cried and cried, making me run across to his room and hold him.\u00a0 Marie laughed at me when she caught me there next to the crib for the third time.\u00a0 She said that our boy was fine and he was just trying to get his own way about things.\u00a0 I nodded to her that I was aware of that fact and that Little Joe was just like his mother; far too cute for his own good.\u00a0 Joseph was trained before I was and through the years, I still often found myself across the hall just looking in on him.\u00a0 I sighed and shook my head, I know I\u2019m an old fool, but I\u2019ve had a lot of practice at it.<\/p>\n I stealthily made my way to the side of Joseph\u2019s bed and couldn\u2019t help smiling over the fact that he had fallen to sleep with all his clothes on once again.\u00a0 Blind or not that boy had gone to sleep in just that fashion so many nights that I couldn\u2019t count them all.\u00a0 It was then that I noticed the book spread out on his chest.\u00a0 Joe had been practicing reading braille again.\u00a0 It sent another pain down deep in my chest.\u00a0 I knew he was trying so hard to find a place where he would fit in a sighted world.\u00a0 If I could give my son my eyes I would do it without a moment\u2019s hesitation.\u00a0 I love him that much.<\/p>\n My fingers trembled as I reached down and softly pushed aside those unruly bangs of Joseph\u2019s from off his forehead all the while wondering if I would ever have the chance to make that familiar gesture of my love for him again.\u00a0 With my youngest taking up residence in San Francisco soon he would be too far out of my reach.\u00a0 One more day, Joseph had requested that two months ago, hadn\u2019t he?\u00a0 How many more days would I have with the boy before he left the Ponderosa and me? Could I wish for one more day with my son?\u00a0 And if that wish was granted, I know just what I\u2019d do, I\u2019d be wishing still for one more day with him; no amount of time would ever be enough to satisfy my heart.\u00a0 And his blindness along with going to teach so far away from his home wasn\u2019t the future that I had hoped for him, nor was it the future Joe had wanted.\u00a0 My son would\u2019ve continued to do what he\u2019d always loved to do.\u00a0 He would gentle the horses both he and Hoss had fun rounding up every year.\u00a0 Joe would race Cochise faster than I liked and laugh the whole time watching the grimace on my face while doing it.\u00a0 He would go to dances, and he\u2019d get into fist fights at the Silver Dollar Saloon.\u00a0 And he\u2019d look at me right before he went to bed every night and give me that certain smile that always let me know how much he loved me better than his words ever could.\u00a0 That was Joe\u2019s life, the life he had wanted to live.\u00a0 I couldn\u2019t bear to think of a life without my youngest and now it was going to happen.\u00a0 Carefully lifting that braille book still resting on his chest, I drew in a breath filled with sorrow and laid it there on the nightstand.\u00a0 Then I bowed my head in prayer.\u00a0 I prayed that God would give me the strength it would take to let Joseph walk out of my life for his sake.\u00a0 I prayed that my boy would do well out there in San Francisco.\u00a0 I prayed that Joseph would always remember how much I loved him.\u00a0 I walked across the room with a heaviness in my heart that I don\u2019t think I\u2019ve felt since I lost Joe\u2019s mother.\u00a0 I turned to close the door and as I did, I sent up one final prayer.\u00a0 It was the same prayer I\u2019d said for three straight months.\u00a0 I prayed that Joseph would someday get his sight back.<\/p>\n *************<\/p>\n The following morning after just a few hours of sleep I prepared for what was going to be the toughest day I\u2019d had in recent years.\u00a0 I washed off and shaved and tried my best not to look as glum as I felt inside.\u00a0 Joe would need me to sound upbeat after he informed me about finding out that Miss Dobbs was also blind, and I couldn\u2019t let him down no matter how I felt about the whole situation.\u00a0 It was day one of letting Joseph go and I dreaded it.\u00a0 But I was his father and he came first.<\/p>\n Just as I opened my bedroom door and readied to make my way downstairs, I heard Joe shouting my name.\u00a0 It almost stopped my heart; it sounded that frightening.\u00a0 My mind instantly went to the worst-case scenario and that was that Joe had gotten hurt, maybe falling or slamming into something.\u00a0 I raced across the hall moments before Hoss came barreling down following me.<\/p>\n \u201cPa!\u201d Joe shouted again and then he heard me opening his door, stepping inside the room.<\/p>\n \u201cJoe? What is it?\u201d I asked breathlessly as I saw him slowly turning away from his bureau.<\/p>\n Joe took a few precarious steps in my direction, and I noticed that he didn\u2019t have his arms out in front of him like he usually did, the way Miss Dobbs had shown him weeks ago.<\/p>\n \u201cPa \u2013 Pa, I can see \u2013 I can see<\/em><\/strong>,\u201d His voice shook with his words.<\/p>\n The walk over to my son seemed to be miles long and my legs shook by the time I had him locked inside my arms.\u00a0 I hugged him tightly just taking the time to relish that moment, commending it to memory for all time.\u00a0 A few minutes later I had to ask, had to know the whole truth of the matter.\u00a0 Could Joseph see a little bit?\u00a0 Maybe it was just a small amount of light at first?\u00a0 I didn\u2019t want to get my hopes up only to have them dashed again.\u00a0 And I didn\u2019t want to hurt Joseph in case his vision would never be as it had been prior to the accident.\u00a0 I finally pulled him back just a bit as I placed my hands on both sides of his face, never wanting to release him.\u00a0 \u201cClearly?\u00a0 Everything?\u201d My voice was now shaking more than my legs were.<\/p>\n Joe was crying joyful tears as was I.\u00a0 \u201cEverything \u2013 just like before,\u201d Joe whispered his voice faltering due to the unexpected and sudden return of his vision.<\/p>\n I stared into those hazel eyes, Marie\u2019s eyes, my son\u2019s eyes that now could see me, could read the way I raised one or two eyebrows once again.\u00a0 I was amazed that Joseph was blinking and his eyes darted back and forth watching my reaction to his news.\u00a0 Random thoughts raced through my mind, and I couldn\u2019t grasp them all.\u00a0 No more watching Joseph counting steps to move about.\u00a0 There would be no more worrying about how he would ever survive in a sighted world.\u00a0 My son will be racing up and down those stairs now and never even looking at them as he did it.\u00a0 He\u2019d be rounding up horses and breaking them, a job he loved.\u00a0 Joe would be going to dances and playing checkers with his brother.\u00a0 And each night before he went to bed, he\u2019d now send me over that smile of his that always told me that he loved me more than his words ever could.\u00a0 Joseph and I had prayed for the same thing, and the good Lord had granted us our request, we had one more day \u2013 the first of many to come \u2013 and we\u2019d give thanks and be grateful for every single one of them.<\/p>\n I held onto Joseph knowing that he wouldn\u2019t have to leave me now.\u00a0 I thanked God as tears drifted down my face.<\/p>\n *** I\u2019d hold you every second, say a million I love you\u2019s \u2013 that\u2019s what I\u2019d do with one more day with you. ***<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n The End<\/p>\n (For Carm)<\/p>\n Written by: Wrangler<\/p>\n 12-24-25<\/p>\n With thanks to the wonderful writer Suzanne Clauser for her original script \u201cThe Stillness Within\u201d and to Michael Landon for his creative control of the story.<\/p>\n (Dedicated to my story consultant Rob for another year of stories.\u00a0 And to a friend who created two amazing sketches from The Stillness Within which gave me the inspiration to write this story.)<\/p>\n <\/p>\n