Summary: Little Joe is consumed with guilt when his best friend is accidently shot and killed. Unable to forgive himself, Joe heads down a dangerous self-destructive path.
\nRating T, WC 21,861<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
I Will\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n ***I will crawl through your grief, I will cry till I drown, cut a path through your dark till I\u2019m lost and you\u2019re found.\u00a0 Turn your black into gray, I won\u2019t hurt when I bleed, I\u2019ll give up my desire till you get what you need.\u00a0 Ask me I\u2019ll be there whenever you fall, to do anything, everything, nothing at all.\u00a0 I\u2019ll move any mountain that keeps you from me, I\u2019ll change, rearrange disappear in your dreams.\u00a0 Please don\u2019t ask me to let go or make me give up, cause I love you that much.\u00a0 And it\u2019ll kill me, but I will. *** (excerpt from song \u201cI will\u201d written by Blake Chancey, Dann Huff, Carol Ann Brown, and Bonnie Baker)<\/p>\n Ben Cartwright sat on the porch with his friend Hugh at the Collins homestead.\u00a0 The two old friends laughed and pointed at their sons, Joe, and Danny, as they readied their horses.<\/p>\n Ben chuckled as he heard Joseph bragging to his childhood friend about being the best shot of the two of them.\u00a0 He witnessed Danny giving Joe a slight playful punch to his ribcage.<\/p>\n \u201cLittle Joe, give it a rest, will you?\u00a0 You\u2019ve never seen the day that I couldn\u2019t outshoot you,\u201d Danny insisted as he pulled the saddle cinch tighter in preparation to mount.<\/p>\n Joe\u2019s contagious laughter echoed there in the front yard.\u00a0 \u201cYou wouldn\u2019t want to put some money on it, now, would you?\u201d<\/p>\n Danny swung up on to his prized palomino and shook his head.\u00a0 \u201cLittle Joe, you know what they say about a fool and his money, right?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThis silver dollar in my hand says I can still outdraw you, Danny!\u201d Joe exclaimed, tossing the coin in the air, and catching it in his left hand.<\/p>\n \u201cJoseph!\u201d Ben called over to the boy.\u00a0 \u201cYou and Danny don\u2019t have long to go and target shoot.\u00a0 Best stop with the tall tales, Boy.\u00a0 The four of us are supposed to head for town in one hour to have lunch and then get a few errands accomplished.\u201d<\/p>\n Danny grinned over at his friend and teased, \u201cYour Pa probably doesn\u2019t want you to head into Virginia City broke again.\u201d.<\/p>\n \u201cVery funny,\u201d Joe frowned and then waved over to the two fathers who had been staring at their playful antics.\u00a0 \u201cPa \u2013 we\u2019ll be back in time.\u00a0 Just going over to Syler\u2019s Ridge I\u2019m gonna teach Danny my newest technique.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYou just be back in time, Joseph \u2013 and with all of your toes,\u201d Ben replied and raised his eyebrows in gesture.\u00a0 \u201cYou\u2019ve just mastered counting to twenty you know,\u201d Ben continued to rib his son.<\/p>\n Joe rolled his eyes and shook his head, \u201cVery funny.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cDanny mind you\u2019re back in time now,\u201d Hugh smiled over at his youngest son.<\/p>\n \u201cWe will, Pa.\u00a0 See you both in a little while,\u201d He returned his father\u2019s smile and then waved as Joe and he turned their mounts and proceeded to head out.<\/p>\n \u201cThose boys!\u201d Hugh exclaimed and grinned at Ben knowingly.\u00a0 \u201cThey\u2019ve been as thick as thieves for so long sometimes I think Joe is another one of my sons he\u2019s been over here so often, Ben.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYes, same with me.\u00a0 Danny is sometimes more welcomed by my other boys than their own little brother is.\u00a0 And, well, you know how I feel about Danny.\u00a0 He\u2019s a fine boy \u2013 and I\u2019m so glad that he\u2019s been such a big part of Joseph\u2019s life.\u00a0 How long\u2019s it been now, Hugh?\u00a0 The years are adding up too fast on me here lately.\u201d<\/p>\n Hugh closed his eyes and thought back.\u00a0 Let\u2019s see \u2013 we moved here when Danny was six and then I put him in school at seven.\u00a0 Yeah\u2014that\u2019s right.\u00a0 Little Joe was the first friend Danny had.\u00a0 Of course, his brother Matt was a good six years older, so it helped the boy to have someone his own age.\u00a0 From the first day at that little schoolhouse all I\u2019ve heard is Little Joe this and Little Joe that!\u201d Hugh laughed and poured Ben some lemonade, handing it over to him.<\/p>\n \u201cWell, I guess it\u2019s right at ten years then since they\u2019ve both just turned seventeen.\u00a0 I\u2019m glad Joseph found Danny, he\u2019s a good influence on that rowdy little cuss of mine,\u201d Ben chuckled.<\/p>\n \u201cWell neither boy could pass for an angel \u2013 but they\u2019ve not gotten into the kinds of trouble that most of those boys in school did.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cOther than playing hooky a time or two,\u201d Ben reminded his friend as he sipped at his drink.<\/p>\n Hugh reached over and patted Ben\u2019s arm and winked, \u201cI just bet you, Ben Cartwright, that you played hooky a time or two your own self!\u201d<\/p>\n Trying to feign being indignant over the mere suggestion that he\u2019d ever have done such a thing, Ben finally nodded and replied, \u201cOkay, you\u2019re right \u2013 but never ever tell any of my boys!\u201d<\/p>\n Gunfire rang out in the distance and both fathers leaned back in their chairs and shook their heads amused.\u00a0 It sounded as though Joe and Danny had begun their target practice.<\/p>\n \u201cYou reckon Little Joe went through with that wager, Ben?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cKnowing my boy he probably did \u2013 and he\u2019ll probably come back here as broke as he usually is!\u201d<\/p>\n After hearing the many reports echoing in the distance, it suddenly became quiet.\u00a0 The two men wondered if their sons hadn\u2019t brought enough ammunition or perhaps, they\u2019d found something else to occupy themselves other than practicing their shooting skills.\u00a0 Suddenly Ben and Hugh sat up rigidly in their chairs.\u00a0 The rapid succession of three rounds of gunfire was heard and then it was deadly quiet once more.<\/p>\n Ben stood from his chair and watched the apprehension growing on Hugh\u2019s face.\u00a0 Both fathers were well aware of the signal.\u00a0 They had taught their boys to fire three shots up in the air if they encountered danger of any kind.<\/p>\n \u201cBetter go take a look,\u201d Ben said, trying his best not to display the ever-increasing worry in his tone of voice.\u00a0 The two anxious fathers rushed to their horses and mounted quickly.<\/p>\n Little Joe and Danny were creatures of habit, at least when it came to the spot where the two of them liked to practice their shooting skills, and their fathers were able to get to the place in just under ten minutes.\u00a0 Dismounting, Ben and Hugh hurried to where Joe knelt next to the motionless figure on the ground. He had a neckerchief in his left hand which he had removed from Danny and was pushing down onto the chest wound in a frantic effort to staunch the flow of blood.<\/p>\n \u201cStay with me, Danny!\u201d Joe continued to plead with his best friend.<\/p>\n \u201cDanny \u2013 oh, Danny!\u201d Hugh cried out as he lifted his son\u2019s head into his hand and leaned down to detect where he\u2019d been hit.<\/p>\n \u201cJoseph— Joe \u2013 what happened?\u201d Ben whispered as he watched Hugh\u2019s face take on the stricken appearance of grief.<\/p>\n \u201cWe — we both fired, Pa \u2013 at the same time \u2013 a bullet ricocheted off the rocks \u2013 and \u2013 and –,\u201d Joe stammered unable to take his eyes off his fallen friend and still refusing to stop pushing down with the neckerchief.\u00a0 \u201cI \u2013 I don\u2019t know \u2013 I don\u2019t know which bullet \u2013 Pa \u2013 I don\u2019t know which one hit him.\u201d<\/p>\n Ben leaned down and checked Danny\u2019s left wrist for a pulse.\u00a0 Hugh reached over and pushed the other man\u2019s hand away gently.<\/p>\n \u201cLittle Joe, ease back and take that off of my boy \u2013 it\u2019s too late \u2013he\u2019s gone\u2014he\u2019s gone,\u201d Hugh whispered fighting back tears as best he could.<\/p>\n \u201cIt \u2013 it just happened so fast \u2013 I don\u2019t know \u2013 I don\u2019t understand –,\u201d Joe continued.\u00a0 He lifted the neckerchief up into his trembling hands.\u00a0 He stared down at the blood-soaked material which he had applied to the mortal wound the instant he had seen Danny fall down onto the ground.<\/p>\n Ben settled his hand onto his son\u2019s shoulder attempting to provide some form of solace which the boy drastically needed at that moment.<\/p>\n \u201cMister Collins — I don\u2019t know — I don\u2019t know if it was my bullet \u2013 I\u2019d never let anything happen to Danny, Sir.\u201d<\/p>\n Hugh swept his hand across his son\u2019s face and leaned down and kissed the boy\u2019s brow.\u00a0 \u201cOh, Danny \u2013 my son,\u201d He wept.<\/p>\n Joe and his father exchanged sorrow filled glances and soon Ben helped lift his son to standing.\u00a0 He pulled the boy aside to provide Hugh some alone time with Danny.<\/p>\n \u201cJoseph,\u201d Ben whispered, \u201cGo and mount Cochise and take Danny\u2019s horse back to their ranch and bring back a buckboard.\u00a0 I\u2019ll stay here with Hugh.\u201d<\/p>\n Joe didn\u2019t want to leave; he wanted to stand over his friend and pray that he wasn\u2019t really gone.\u00a0 Ben knew what his son was thinking but he didn\u2019t want Hugh to have to view his deceased son lying there on the ground much longer.\u00a0 He patted Joe\u2019s back and called to him once more, \u201cThe best thing you can do for both Danny and his father, Joseph, is to go and bring back that buckboard.\u201d<\/p>\n When Joseph had stared into his father\u2019s eyes, it appeared to Pa that perhaps his son was in some kind of shock.\u00a0 His movements seemed far too slow for the normally high-strung boy he had raised.\u00a0 Finally, giving up on staying there next to his friend, Joe jumped onto Cochise\u2019s back and grabbed the reins of the palomino then he sent both horses into a gallop hurrying back to the Collins place.<\/p>\n That afternoon was nothing short of a waking nightmare for all of those involved.\u00a0 Once Danny was brought back via buckboard to his home, one of Hugh\u2019s hired hands was dispatched to bring Doctor Paul Martin and Sheriff Roy Coffee back with him.\u00a0 Hugh had taken the body of his son into the boy\u2019s bedroom and asked to be left alone.\u00a0 Ben had watched Joe. He couldn\u2019t get over the way his son was dealing with what had happened.\u00a0 Joseph, especially in times of great loss, and this was one of those times with his best friend lying dead in the next room, was prone to display a variety of emotions.\u00a0 Pa had expected tears at the very least, but instead Joseph had just spent most of the time sitting in one of the chairs in the dining area unmoving and unspeaking.\u00a0 Ben tried to get the boy to drink but he had refused the numerous offers.<\/p>\n When Doctor Martin arrived, he had to give Hugh a sedative because Paul was also the county coroner and would have to dig for the bullet which had killed the young man.\u00a0 While Doc was busy with that arduous and hurtful duty, Roy Coffee had ridden out to where Danny had been killed accompanied by Ben and Little Joe.<\/p>\n Roy was a seasoned lawman, and it didn\u2019t take him long to inspect the rock ledge where Joe and Danny had set up the bottles and cans that they had planned on using for target practice.<\/p>\n \u201cSo, Little Joe, you said that you both shot your pistols at the same time?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYes, Sir,\u201d Joe answered the sheriff.<\/p>\n \u201cBut \u2013 well you said it happened too fast to see which bullet went which-a-way?\u201d<\/p>\n Joe nodded and stared down at the impression still on the ground where only hours earlier his best friend had drawn his final breath.\u00a0 \u201cTwo bullets \u2013 we shot at the same time and all of a sudden, I heard Danny fall.\u00a0 I don\u2019t know how it happened — I don\u2019t know if it was my bullet, Sheriff.\u201d<\/p>\n Roy scrubbed at his stubble of beard and looked over at Ben and then back at Little Joe.\u00a0 He could tell that the boy was torn up about his friend\u2019s death.\u00a0 \u201cWe might not ever be able to find that out, Little Joe.\u00a0 You both used the same type of cartridges so that\u2019s no help.\u00a0 It was an accident, Boy, I don\u2019t want you to go blaming yourself.\u00a0 Everyone round these parts knows how much you two cared about each other.\u00a0 Since you were little kids, you were like two peas in a pod.\u00a0 It\u2019s just one of those terrible things that happen in life, Little Joe,\u201d Roy tried his best to comfort his best friend\u2019s youngest son.<\/p>\n Ben stared at Roy and nodded over at him with gratitude on his face.\u00a0 He didn\u2019t need Joseph to think it had been his fault, not now, not with the loss of his dearest friend, which would surely haunt him for a very long time.<\/p>\n \u201cLet\u2019s all go and see what Doc can tell us, okay?\u201d Roy said and mounted his horse.<\/p>\n Less than an hour later Doctor Martin sat at the dining table inside the Collins ranch house.\u00a0 He looked over as Roy, Ben and Little Joe entered.<\/p>\n \u201cHow\u2019s Hugh, Doc?\u201d Roy asked.<\/p>\n Doc shook his head and frowned.\u00a0 \u201cI had to give him a strong sedative.\u00a0 He\u2019ll be out most of the night.\u00a0 I had someone send for Reverend Hastings and his wife; I think they\u2019ll be a big comfort to him.\u00a0 I guess someone needs to wire his boy Matt in Sacramento.\u00a0 I doubt he\u2019ll be able to travel for the funeral.\u00a0 Hugh told me the other day that Matt\u2019s wife is due to have their first baby any day now so traveling away from her isn\u2019t a wise thing to do,\u201d Doc explained and paused as he reached inside of his vest and handed a spent bullet to Roy.\u00a0 \u201cThat\u2019s what I dug out of Danny.\u00a0 You can see the tip is flattened badly.\u00a0 I\u2019d say it hit something a lot harder than that boy\u2019s chest.\u201d<\/p>\n Roy examined the bullet and then handed it to Ben.\u00a0 \u201cThat rock ledge— that would\u2019ve done it, Ben,\u201d Roy nodded.<\/p>\n Ben tried to show his son, but the boy simply walked away.\u00a0 He didn\u2019t have any desire to see it.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019ll make my report \u2013 Little Joe \u2013 I don\u2019t think they\u2019ll be any inquest, so I don\u2019t want you to worry none, okay?\u201d<\/p>\n Joe stared down at the floor and replied, \u201cYes, Sir.\u201d<\/p>\n Doc could tell that Little Joe was having a hard time and he supposed, just as his father had, that the boy was in some form of shock.\u00a0 \u201cBen, there\u2019s no need for you and Joe to stay.\u00a0 I\u2019ll make sure Hugh isn\u2019t alone \u2013 and once the Hastings get here \u2013 well — we will have it all under control.\u201d<\/p>\n Ben nodded his thanks to Paul, knowing how much the doctor worried about the boy.\u00a0 He had spent a great deal of the last seventeen years patching Joe Cartwright up due to injuries, so the doctor was keenly aware of how hard the kid took deaths.\u00a0 And the loss of his best friend, as far as the consensus there in the room, was a death which was going to be hard for the boy to overcome.<\/p>\n \u201cThanks, Doc \u2013 thanks, Roy,\u201d Ben whispered to both men and then reached for his son\u2019s arm and said, \u201cJoseph, let\u2019s get on home.\u201d<\/p>\n It was dusk by the time Ben and Joe made it into the front yard and tied their mounts up to the hitching post.\u00a0 He couldn\u2019t help noticing that his son hadn\u2019t said one word the whole way home and even now he stood as though he was in a trance.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019ll get someone to put away the horses, Joseph, let\u2019s go inside,\u201d Ben announced and draped an arm across his son\u2019s shoulder.<\/p>\n \u201cPa \u2013 listen \u2013 I\u2019d just as soon put away Cochise \u2013 so I\u2019ll take Buck too,\u201d Joe broke away from his father\u2019s side and grabbed the two sets of reins and turned before there would be any objection.<\/p>\n Ben\u2019s gaze followed Little Joe as he walked across the yard and headed inside to the barn.\u00a0 Frowning over his inability to help his youngest, he entered the ranch house.<\/p>\n \u201cPa \u2013 we\u2019ve been waiting on you,\u201d Adam called from the settee as both he and Hoss stood and crossed the room.<\/p>\n Ben removed his hat and holster and set them onto the credenza.\u00a0 \u201cI suppose you both have heard?\u201d<\/p>\n Hoss\u2019 sad expression answered his pa\u2019s question more than words.\u00a0 \u201cWhere\u2019s Little Joe?\u201d<\/p>\n Ben sighed and shook his head as he leaned up against the sofa table.\u00a0 \u201cThe boy\u2019s putting away the horses.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cHe\u2019s taking it hard isn\u2019t he, Pa?\u201d Adam asked filled with concern over his youngest brother and what the death of his best friend would do to him.<\/p>\n \u201cYes— but I believe the boy is still in shock.\u00a0 Let\u2019s not bring up what happened today unless he does, Boys,\u201d Ben sighed and moved over to his red leather chair.<\/p>\n \u201cHop Sing said he\u2019s about ready to throw out supper if we don\u2019t sit down soon, Pa,\u201d Hoss whispered as he watched the cook heading to the dining room.<\/p>\n \u201cAs soon as Joseph comes in, Hoss,\u201d Ben replied and then stared in Hop Sing\u2019s direction.\u00a0 \u201cJust give the boy a few minutes to get cleaned up \u2013 he won\u2019t be long.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cOkay \u2013 but only because Hop Sing feel vely sorry for Little Joe,\u201d Hop Sing called across the room and hurried back into the kitchen.<\/p>\n The front door opened, and Joe only stopped long enough to unstrap his holster and remove his hat.\u00a0 He turned for the stairs without speaking to anyone in the room.<\/p>\n \u201cJoseph?\u201d Ben sang out.\u00a0 \u201cWill you get cleaned up please \u2013 Hop Sing\u2019s been waiting dinner on us all.\u201d<\/p>\n Joe never turned around but called over his shoulder as he held onto the banister.\u00a0 \u201cPa \u2013 if it\u2019s all the same to you \u2013well \u2013 I\u2019m not really hungry.\u00a0 Think I\u2019ll turn in,\u201d he said and walked up the staircase.<\/p>\n Ben shook his head and noticed the concerned glances sent around the room.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019ll give him a couple of minutes and then I\u2019ll go and talk to him.\u201d<\/p>\n Ben urged his two older boys to go ahead and start eating and it was his plan to coax Joseph to come down if only to eat a piece of bread and sit with them all.\u00a0 He waited at the bedroom door, and he tried to decide if he should knock or simply walk in.\u00a0 Usually, he knocked as a pure case of courtesy, but this wasn\u2019t a normal night, and he knew that his son was hurting emotionally and might just try and keep him away.\u00a0 He turned the doorknob quietly and pushed into the bedroom.\u00a0 Ben was shocked when he spotted his son.<\/p>\n \u201cJoseph,\u201d He began, as he spotted what his son was attempting to do.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m okay, Pa,\u201d Joe muttered and tried to turn around to keep what he had been doing out of his father\u2019s view.\u00a0 It was too late.<\/p>\n Ben shakily made it across the room and spotted the blood on Joe\u2019s opened shirt.\u00a0 He reached for the boy and halted the progress of the towel Joe had been attempting to wrap around his right side.<\/p>\n \u201cYou\u2019re hit, Boy!\u201d\u00a0 Ben pulled the hand towel down and took Joe by the elbow and forced him to sit in the side chair next to the lamp.<\/p>\n \u201cJust a graze, Pa,\u201d Joe whispered and looked away from his father\u2019s furrowed brow.\u00a0\u00a0 He hadn\u2019t intended on causing him to worry and had hidden the blood that coated the side of his shirt by tightening the ties to his green jacket when they were seated inside Danny\u2019s house before going to the scene of the accident.\u00a0 Joe\u2019s jacket had been untied when he and Danny had gone to target practice.\u00a0 The bullet had gone at just the right angle to hit his shirt and only left a small exit hole in his jacket, making it easier to disguise the fact that he had also been shot.<\/p>\n \u201cIt\u2019s a bit more than that, Son,\u201d Ben held the lamp closer to inspect the damage to Joe\u2019s side.\u00a0 \u201cGet up on your bed and spread out so I can have at that wound.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThis is why I didn\u2019t tell you\u2014I knew you\u2019d fuss over it,\u201d Joe frowned.<\/p>\n \u201cOnto the bed,\u201d Ben pointed and finally watched his son do as he had been instructed.<\/p>\n Prodding and poking around the area Pa shook his head and tried not to reprimand his son.\u00a0 He knew that Joseph had a world of sadness on his shoulders, and he didn\u2019t need to be dressed down on top of that.<\/p>\n \u201cJoseph, this is a bullet wound and something that can get infected.\u00a0 Why didn\u2019t you tell the sheriff that you also caught a bullet?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cSeemed unimportant \u2013 my best friend is dead\u2014was I supposed to complain about a stupid graze?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cIt explains that you both shot at the same time and you both caught a ricochet,\u201d Ben explained as he soaked a hand towel in the basin and then dabbed at his son\u2019s wound.<\/p>\n \u201cBut \u2013 there\u2019s still no way to know whose bullet hit who, Pa.\u00a0 I probably shot the one that killed Danny,\u201d Joe admitted.<\/p>\n Ben listened as Joe dispassionately mouthed the words and there still weren\u2019t any tears or emotion in his tone of voice or on his face.\u00a0 That was not normal for Joseph Cartwright and especially when he was alone and in the company of his Pa.\u00a0 Joe could show his father how he was feeling inside even if he couldn\u2019t show the rest of the world.\u00a0 But now the boy was guarding his feelings from everyone.<\/p>\n Ben eased down on the side of the bed and placed his hand onto Joe\u2019s shoulder.<\/p>\n \u201cJoe— it just happened today \u2013 let it be for now; you need to get patched up.\u00a0 There will be a time for everything.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019d kinda just like to go to sleep, Pa,\u201d Joe admitted and looked away from his father\u2019s compassionate eyes.<\/p>\n Ben ran his hand across his son\u2019s forehead and pushed away the bangs which had fallen, as usual, into his eyes.\u00a0 He tried to detect a fever but hadn\u2019t had much of a chance as Joe turned onto his side almost immediately.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m going downstairs and bring you up some medicine to doctor that wound before you let it get infected, Joseph.\u00a0 Then, if you want to get some sleep I won\u2019t pester you.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cOkay, Pa,\u201d Joe replied tepidly.<\/p>\n Sighing Ben pulled himself from the bed casting a worrisome glance at his boy.\u00a0 If Joseph had cried, or if he had yelled over the injustice of losing his best friend to such a terrible accident it would\u2019ve been accepted and even welcomed.\u00a0 But seeing his son like this, totally devoid of emotion, was hard to come to terms with.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019ll be right back Joe,\u201d He whispered and headed out of the bedroom.<\/p>\n Adam and Hoss watched their father walking briskly into the kitchen wondering what was going on.\u00a0 After only a few minutes they spotted him coming back into the dining room holding a tray in his hand.<\/p>\n \u201cPa?\u00a0 What\u2019s going on?\u201d Hoss asked noticing his father had a tin of salve and several other things meant for doctoring wounds laid out on the tray.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019ll tell you later, you two just finish eating,\u201d He returned and continued his trek back up to Joe\u2019s room.\u00a0 There would be a time for explaining it all to Hoss and Adam later, he needed to take care of his youngest first.<\/p>\n \u201cNow, Young Man, let me have at that wound,\u201d Pa called down to Joe as he took a seat alongside of him once more.<\/p>\n Joe frowned as he watched his father fuss over the gunshot.\u00a0 He wished that Pa would\u2019ve just let him take care of it himself.\u00a0 Undeterred by his son\u2019s facial expression, Ben cleaned the wound thoroughly and then applied the salve.<\/p>\n \u201cDoc\u2019s going to get a look at this tomorrow, Joseph,\u201d he stated firmly as he tapped the lid back down onto the medicine.<\/p>\n \u201cIt\u2019s nothing,\u201d Joe sighed wishing that Pa would just leave it be.<\/p>\n \u201cJoseph,\u201d Ben began and set his hand down onto the boy\u2019s shoulder.\u00a0 \u201cI know that you\u2019re hurting over Danny \u2013 but that doesn\u2019t mean that you shouldn\u2019t take care of yourself.<\/p>\n Joe didn\u2019t respond other than to pull the blanket up over him as soon as Pa stood back up.<\/p>\n \u201cDo you want to talk?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNo, Pa \u2013 I just want to try and sleep.\u201d<\/p>\n Drawing in a deep breath and shaking his head wearily, Ben reached down and tenderly placed his hand on his son\u2019s cheek.\u00a0 \u201cIf you need me come and get me, okay?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYes, Sir.\u00a0 Goodnight,\u201d Joe answered and rolled away from his father.<\/p>\n Ben stood there at the bedroom door for a long while wondering just what was going on with his youngest.\u00a0 He found it hard to believe that Joseph hadn\u2019t shed one tear over the loss of his best friend; that wasn\u2019t normal and he knew it.<\/p>\n \u201cSo, you think it was two ricochets that got both Danny and Joe?\u201d Hoss questioned after his father had explained to both him and Adam that Little Joe had been shot and had said nothing about it to anyone.<\/p>\n Ben sat in his red leather chair in front of the fireplace and sipped his brandy.\u00a0 He nodded over at Hoss.\u00a0 \u201cYes, they both apparently fired at the exact same time, each getting hit.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI don\u2019t understand, Pa, why did Joe keep this a secret?\u201d Adam asked.<\/p>\n Ben shrugged his shoulders and replied, \u201cHe said that he didn\u2019t want to make a fuss about it and that it wasn\u2019t important considering the fact that Danny had been killed.\u00a0 That boy is keeping so much inside of himself that it worries me — it\u2019s just not like Joseph \u2013 especially after losing his best friend.\u201d<\/p>\n Hoss stood and shook his head, \u201cI feel awful about it, Pa \u2013 him seeing Danny die like that —and him thinking that it was his bullet that did it.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cIt was just a freak accident \u2013 nothing that Joe could\u2019ve done,\u201d Adam offered.<\/p>\n \u201cI know that \u2013 and you both know that \u2013 but Joseph \u2013 well he\u2019s feeling guilty about it.\u00a0 I guess we\u2019ll never know which bullet went where and the uncertainty about whether he shot Danny is eating away at the boy,\u201d Pa sighed.<\/p>\n \u201cYou want us to talk to him, Pa?\u201d Hoss offered, always worried about his little brother when he was hurt or upset in any way.<\/p>\n \u201cLet\u2019s give it some time and then we\u2019ll figure out how best to help Joe.\u201d<\/p>\n Hoss and Adam nodded their agreement knowing that their little brother had yet to hit the mourning stage and until he did it would be hard to broach the subject with him.<\/p>\n Doctor Paul Martin had come to the Ponderosa the next day after Hoss had gone into Virginia City and informed him that Joe had been shot.\u00a0 He had known the Cartwrights for years and understood why they were concerned about the way that Joe wasn\u2019t dealing with the death of his best friend.\u00a0 After checking on a few patients as well as making sure that Hugh Collins was still being cared for by the preacher and his wife, he journeyed to the Ponderosa to check on Little Joe.<\/p>\n \u201cIt\u2019s not too bad, Ben,\u201d Paul tried to assure the worried father as he closed his black medical bag.\u00a0 \u201cNow, as for you, Little Joe \u2013 next time you get hurt don\u2019t you keep it to yourself, you understand?\u201d Paul called down to the boy in the bed.<\/p>\n \u201cYes, Sir,\u201d Joe mumbled and buttoned his shirt.\u00a0 He now sported a bandage over his wound thanks to Doc Martin.<\/p>\n \u201cI want you to keep tending to it for a few days, Ben, just make sure that Joe doesn\u2019t overdo it and that he keeps it clean and dry.\u00a0 I\u2019ve left some medicine to put on it before he goes to bed every night and it should heal in a week or so.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThank you, Paul,\u201d Ben said and patted the man on the back.<\/p>\n \u201cWell, now that I\u2019ve earned it, how about you get me some coffee?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cSure,\u201d Ben returned and noticed the look Paul was sending over at him.\u00a0 He knew that the man wanted to talk to him out of earshot of his son.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019ll check on that wound next week, Joe \u2013 now you behave yourself!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThanks, Doc,\u201d Joe nodded and watched as the doctor and his father walked out of his bedroom.<\/p>\n Hop Sing had heard the two men coming down the stairs and set the coffee pot and cups down onto the table next to the fireplace.\u00a0 He always seemed to know what was needed without anyone in the house telling him.<\/p>\n \u201cThank you, Hop Sing,\u201d Ben called across the room as he watched the cook heading back into the kitchen.\u00a0 He took a seat and poured two cups for the doctor and himself.<\/p>\n \u201cJoe\u2019s taking it pretty hard isn\u2019t he, Ben?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWell \u2013 I don\u2019t exactly know as he won\u2019t talk to me about Danny \u2013 other than what I told you he said last night when I caught him trying to hide that wound from me.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI heard the funeral is tomorrow — Hugh is having him buried on the ranch down by that pond Danny loved to fish at.\u00a0 Reverend Hastings said to come around eleven-thirty and the service will be at noon.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI feel so awful for Hugh.\u00a0 I wish his son Matt could be here for the funeral, but I guess Mary Ann should be having that baby any time now.\u00a0 It\u2019s going to be rough on Hugh not having his other boy to help him with his grief.\u00a0 I\u2019m also concerned about how Joseph will hold up.\u00a0 The boy hasn\u2019t shed one tear for his friend \u2013 and it\u2019s just not like that kid.\u201d<\/p>\n Paul set down his coffee cup and replied, \u201cI think Joe might just have a bit of shock, Ben.\u00a0 Maybe once he attends the funeral he\u2019ll let go of some of his grief \u2013 it\u2019d help him.\u201d<\/p>\n Ben nodded, \u201cYes, I expect so \u2013 or at least I hope so.\u00a0 He can\u2019t move forward until he deals with the loss.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019ll let Roy know about that bullet wound, Ben.\u00a0 That darn kid should\u2019ve told all of us yesterday it would\u2019ve made it better for everyone to know that both of those boys got hit.\u00a0 It shows that they both fired at the same time and it was just a terrible accident; plain and simple.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThanks, Paul \u2013 I meant to have Hoss talk to Roy when he went to get you earlier but \u2013 well \u2013 my mind has been preoccupied.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI know, Ben, it\u2019s fine.\u00a0 I\u2019ll explain everything.\u201d<\/p>\n The two men sat and had their coffee and then Doc was needed back in town.\u00a0 Ben waited for Joe to come downstairs, but when he failed to do so he went and checked on him.\u00a0 He was just sitting by his window and looking out with a blank expression on his face.<\/p>\n \u201cJoseph?\u00a0 You feeling any better?\u201d Ben asked as he walked to the window.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m fine, Pa \u2013 I already told you so.\u00a0 I just want to go out and do my chores.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI told you no chores for a few days,\u201d Pa reiterated what he had said earlier.<\/p>\n Joe didn\u2019t reply, he simply looked down at the floor.<\/p>\n \u201cJoseph— the funeral is going to be tomorrow we need to get there around eleven thirty,\u201d He announced the plans quietly, concerned over how his son would handle saying a final goodbye to his friend.<\/p>\n \u201cI don\u2019t want to go, Pa,\u201d Joe stated adamantly.<\/p>\n Ben placed his hand on his son\u2019s shoulder and forced his gaze.\u00a0 \u201cSon, you need to pay your respects.\u201d<\/p>\n Joe finally stared into his father\u2019s eyes.\u00a0 There wasn\u2019t any discernable sadness on his face.\u00a0 \u201cI doubt that Mister Collins would want me there\u2014not after I killed his son.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNow, Joseph — we\u2019ve been over this \u2013 you didn\u2019t kill Danny,\u201d Pa tried to get through to the boy, choosing his words carefully.\u00a0 \u201cAnd even if it had been your bullet, it wasn\u2019t done purposely.\u00a0 But it very well could\u2019ve been Danny\u2019s own gun that shot him, just like you probably were shot by yours.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019ll never know,\u201d Joe returned bluntly.<\/p>\n \u201cJoseph, you can\u2019t blame yourself either way \u2013 you know Danny wouldn\u2019t want that.\u00a0 And I\u2019m sure that Hugh isn\u2019t blaming you either.\u201d<\/p>\n Joe stood from the chair and headed for his bedroom door.<\/p>\n \u201cWhere are you going?\u201d Ben turned when Joe made the sudden move to leave.<\/p>\n \u201cJust going out to groom Cochise, Pa \u2013 I need to get some air.\u201d<\/p>\n Ben watched his son beating a fast retreat.\u00a0 He could tell by what Joe hadn\u2019t said that he was avoiding talking in length about the accident because he felt like he was the one to blame for it.<\/p>\n Reaching up, Ben pulled the string tie off from around his neck.\u00a0 It had been a long day already and starting it with going to a funeral had been very rough on everyone involved.\u00a0 Folding his suit coat, he placed it temporarily on the back of the settee and walked to his favorite chair.\u00a0 Groaning as he sat down Ben saw Hop Sing had done it again.\u00a0 The fresh pot of coffee was waiting on the table for all four of his American family members; Hop Sing never ceased to amaze him.<\/p>\n \u201cWe got the surrey put away, Pa,\u201d Hoss called from the front door as the three Cartwright sons made their way inside.<\/p>\n \u201cI could sure use some coffee,\u201d Adam said as he took a seat in the blue winged back chair.<\/p>\n \u201cMe too,\u201d Hoss nodded as he sat across from his brother and leaned towards the coffee table and poured two cups.<\/p>\n Ben spied his youngest heading to the stairs and called over to the boy.\u00a0 \u201cJoseph?\u00a0 Don\u2019t you want some coffee \u2013 we\u2019re all having some?\u201d<\/p>\n Joe didn\u2019t even try to make eye contact with his father and simply called over his shoulder as he began to ascend the stairs.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019m good, Pa \u2013 think I\u2019ll just get out of my suit.\u201d\u00a0 And with that statement, Joe headed up to his room.<\/p>\n Ben drew in a deep breath and shook his head disheartened.\u00a0 \u201cI still can\u2019t believe that the boy never shed a tear \u2013 it was a very hard service.\u00a0 The only person with a dry eye in the crowd was your little brother.\u201d<\/p>\n Hoss reached over and patted his father\u2019s arm, hoping to provide some solace.\u00a0 \u201cPa \u2013 maybe he\u2019s upstairs right now letting it out?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI doubt it, Son.\u00a0 Even when Hugh walked up to Joe and made sure that he knew that he didn\u2019t blame him.\u00a0 He was so gracious \u2013 and yet Joseph acted like nothing had happened.\u00a0 He hardly said anything to Hugh.\u00a0 I\u2019m really worried about him.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cHe\u2019ll be okay, try not to worry, Pa.\u00a0 Maybe it just hasn\u2019t quite hit Joe yet?\u201d Adam offered.<\/p>\n \u201cI suppose you\u2019re right, Adam.\u00a0 I sure was glad to hear that Hugh is going to visit Matt and his wife for a while \u2013 and get to see his first grandchild.\u00a0 I hope it helps him some,\u201d Ben said, feeling at a loss over what to do about his youngest.<\/p>\n \u201cYeah \u2013 Matt and his wife wired Hugh \u2013 did you hear him say that if it\u2019s a boy their going to name it Danny, Pa?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYes, Hoss \u2013 I think that\u2019s a wonderful idea,\u201d Ben nodded over to his middle boy.<\/p>\n Adam stood and approached his father\u2019s chair and dropped a hand down onto his shoulder.\u00a0 \u201cWe\u2019ve got that herd to move and you\u2019ve got the trip to San Francisco in two days, Pa.\u00a0 Everything will settle down here \u2013 don\u2019t worry so much about Joe.\u00a0 Hoss and I will keep an eye on the kid while you\u2019re gone.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI wonder if I should cancel my trip?\u201d Ben asked, worry creasing his brow.<\/p>\n \u201cNaw,\u201d Hoss jumped in.\u00a0 \u201cThe DeSanto Company wants to wine and dine you so they can try to get you to drop the cost of that timber we\u2019re selling for those ships.\u00a0 So just go and the three of us will be fine.\u00a0 I\u2019ll watch Joe and so will Adam.\u201d<\/p>\n Ben drew in another deep breath as his gaze shot up to the top of the stairs.\u00a0 \u201cWell, I should be back in two weeks \u2013 I\u2019ll go.\u00a0 But, if the boy has any problems, I want you to wire me, okay?\u201d<\/p>\n Adam nodded down at his father and tried to reassure him.\u00a0 \u201cWe will.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cAnd make sure he takes care of that wound of his.\u00a0 I\u2019ll make sure that Joe knows you both will be checking on him.\u00a0 No rough housing, you two \u2013 until that wound is all better.\u2019<\/p>\n \u201cRough housing \u2013 us<\/em><\/strong>?\u201d Hoss grinned, feigning that he was hurt over the suggestion.<\/p>\n Ben finally smiled, and it felt good to do so.\u00a0 \u201cYes, you three angels \u2013 no acting up while I\u2019m away!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019ll see to it,\u201d Adam laughed and walked into the kitchen.<\/p>\n Ben felt both uneasy and a bit guilty when he had boarded the stage that would take him into San Francisco.\u00a0 His three sons were there in town to see him off and as usual he had given each of them a quick hug goodbye.\u00a0 He couldn\u2019t help noticing the way that Joseph stood so rigidly when he had put his arms around the boy.\u00a0 He had simply muttered a quiet \u201chave a good time Pa\u201d <\/em><\/strong>and that was it; and that was not like the kid at all.\u00a0 It appeared that Joe had no feelings towards anyone anymore and the thought of that worried his Pa.\u00a0 But there were important contracts that would need signing and other things to tend to in San Francisco, so he had boarded the stage and waved goodbye to his sons.\u00a0 It\u2019s only two weeks ***<\/em><\/strong> Ben thought to himself.\u00a0 <\/em><\/strong> My boys can do without me for two weeks \u2013 and Joe\u2019s brothers will watch over him.\u00a0 Relax, Ben.\u00a0 This isn\u2019t your first time away from home. *** <\/em><\/strong>He sighed to himself as he eased down in the hard wooden seat and waited for the first way station.<\/p>\n Adam kept the ranch running smoothly and had relied on Hoss\u2019 help to keep Joe in line.\u00a0 They reminded him daily to take care of his wound and Joe had assured his brothers that he was doing just that.\u00a0 While his two brothers were out with the herd Joe had opted to have the job of rounding up strays.\u00a0 Adam thought it would be a good assignment for his youngest brother as it wasn\u2019t as strenuous a job as keeping the large herd in line.\u00a0 Joe worked a good three hours and then it was time.\u00a0 He headed over to the Collins ranch and made his way down to the pond where he and Danny always had fun fishing.<\/p>\n Staring down at the granite marker, Joe read the name and the dates that were chiseled onto it.<\/p>\n \u201cHere you go, Danny,\u201d Joe said and pulled the whiskey bottle out of his saddlebags.\u00a0 He uncorked it and poured a few shots onto the grave.\u00a0 There were still no tears to be shed, and Joe had wondered if he\u2019d ever feel anything about his friend\u2019s death.\u00a0 He took a few good swigs out of the bottle and simply mounted Cochise.\u00a0 Taking one final look at the headstone Joe just shook his head, he felt absolutely nothing inside.\u00a0 Slowly, riding away from the Collins ranch, Joe\u2019s hand went down to his side where he still carried the wound from either his or Danny\u2019s gun.\u00a0 He reached down and tugged the bandage out from underneath his shirt and tossed it onto the ground.\u00a0 Then he hit the wound hard with his right fist.\u00a0 It was the only kind of pain that he could feel anymore.\u00a0 Joe guessed he must still be alive because it had hurt something fierce.\u00a0 He kicked at Cochise\u2019 sides and rode home.<\/p>\n The large Ponderosa herd was moved to the northern pastureland where it would stay until it was time for the summer push to market.\u00a0 Hoss and Adam were glad to have that chore behind them though it had taken the entire two weeks that their father had been away.\u00a0 Joe had been assigned the job of bringing Pa back from town and he waited outside of the Overland Depot in Virginia City for his arrival.<\/p>\n \u201cJoseph!\u201d Ben called down from the stage as he turned to disembark.<\/p>\n \u201cHi, Pa,\u201d Joe nodded to his father and soon felt the man\u2019s arms pulling him close.\u00a0 He felt the stab of pain coming from his side, but he didn\u2019t show it on his face.\u00a0 The wound and the pain were a reminder to him of what he had done, and he welcomed it because in his mind he deserved it.<\/p>\n Ben retrieved his two bags and Joe showed him over to the buckboard. They both climbed onboard and Joe sent the team of horses forward.<\/p>\n \u201cSo \u2013 how are you?\u201d Ben asked as he draped his left arm across the boy\u2019s shoulder.<\/p>\n \u201cFine, Pa,\u201d Joe returned with no emotion to his words.<\/p>\n \u201cHow about that wound of yours?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cFine, Pa,\u201d Joe repeated.<\/p>\n \u201cOh, I see,\u201d Ben paused and stared hard at his son.\u00a0 \u201cI suppose if I ask you how your brothers are you\u2019ll say \u201cfine\u201d,<\/em><\/strong> right?\u201d<\/p>\n Joe frowned and pulled back on the reins.\u00a0 \u201cPa \u2013 there\u2019s just nothing much to tell you \u2013 everything is fine.\u00a0 I don\u2019t know what else to say.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cJoseph, it\u2019s almost been a month now \u2013 are you still having problems?\u00a0 Why don\u2019t you talk to me \u2013 we\u2019ve got a long ride back home,\u201d Pa offered calmly.<\/p>\n Joe sent the team forward and answered, \u201cPa \u2013 I don\u2019t want to talk about any of that, okay?\u00a0 Go ahead and tell me about your trip if you want.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cMy trip was fine<\/em><\/strong>,\u201d Ben responded with heavy sarcasm in his words.<\/p>\n The buckboard pulled up in front of the ranch house and Ben was greeted heartily by both Adam and Hoss.\u00a0 It was a much better welcome than he had received from their younger brother.\u00a0 Both of his sons grabbed a bag and eagerly walked with Pa into the house.\u00a0 Joe stayed outside and put the team of horses out in the corral.<\/p>\n Hop Sing handed Ben a steaming cup of coffee and bid him over into the chair next to the fireplace.<\/p>\n \u201cWell, I sure am glad to be home!\u201d Ben exclaimed as he smiled over at Hoss and Adam.\u00a0 \u201cHow did it go, Boys?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWell, we got the herd moved and they\u2019re all secure and grazing and getting fat,\u201d Adam answered as he took a seat opposite his father.<\/p>\n \u201cDid Joe help you both?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWe gave him the job of rounding up strays \u2013 he done good, Pa,\u201d Hoss announced and playfully slapped his father\u2019s back as he turned to sit on the settee.<\/p>\n Ben nodded to show his approval.\u00a0 \u201cGood.\u00a0 Now, how was the boy?\u00a0 Give you any trouble?\u201d<\/p>\n Sighing, Adam shook his head, \u201cIf you\u2019re asking us if he did his work — well yes.\u00a0 I didn\u2019t catch him goofing off once.\u00a0 But if you\u2019re asking if he kept to himself then the answer is yes there too.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cDid the boy talk about Danny or that shooting at all?\u201d<\/p>\n Hoss shook his head and replied, \u201cNot a word, Pa.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cAnd that wound of his \u2013 did you two make sure it got tended?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWe seen him get the medicine out every night and he told us his wound is just about all gone now, Pa.\u00a0 I think Little Joe is okay — just a mite quiet is all.\u201d<\/p>\n Ben began to say something when the front door opened, and Joe stepped inside the house.\u00a0 He decided to wait for another time to question his older boys about what had gone on while he had been on his trip.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019ll take your bags upstairs, Pa,\u201d Joe called across the room and without waiting for a response headed for his father\u2019s bedroom.<\/p>\n Leaning forward he said quietly, \u201cHas he had any nightmares?\u201d<\/p>\n Adam and Hoss both shook their heads \u201cno\u201d.<\/p>\n \u201cSo \u2013 he\u2019s just doing as told and that\u2019s it?\u201d Ben asked again, being surprised by his sons and their report.<\/p>\n \u201cYeah \u2013 the kid\u2019s been working pretty hard and didn\u2019t give either of us any grief.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYes, Adam — I can imagine he didn\u2019t give you any grief \u2013 because Joseph has decided to bypass grief altogether.\u00a0 I hope something happens that will help him come to grips with his loss.\u201d<\/p>\n Hoss watched Joe as he began his descent down into the living room and quickly changed the topic.\u00a0 \u201cSo how did it go with the DeSanto people, Pa?\u201d<\/p>\n Ben smiled over at his middle boy realizing why he had changed the subject.\u00a0 \u201cIt went great and the contracts are all signed.\u00a0 We\u2019ll need to get started marking those trees next week, Boys.\u201d<\/p>\n Joe took a seat there on the hearth and just listened to the conversation without adding anything to it.<\/p>\n \u201cI think I\u2019ll get cleaned up for dinner, Boys,\u201d Ben announced standing from his chair.\u00a0 He walked past Joe and dropped a hand down onto the boy\u2019s shoulder and smiled at him.\u00a0 \u201cYour brothers said you did a great job while I was gone, Joseph— I\u2019m proud of you.\u201d<\/p>\n Joe closed his eyes for a moment as he took in his father\u2019s words.\u00a0 Pa\u2019s compliment was misguided.\u00a0 Joe didn\u2019t want any kind of recognition or any kind of congratulations for doing a good job.\u00a0 As far as he was concerned, he didn\u2019t deserve any kind of praise.\u00a0 He remained on the hearth, turning his body sharply to the right, facing away from his father.\u00a0 The quick movement caused a hot dagger of pain to shoot up from the wound on his side.\u00a0 It had been done intentionally, hoping it would have just that effect.\u00a0 Joe still needed the reminder of what he had done and the lives he had ruined due to killing Danny.<\/p>\n Ben looked at Joe pensively.\u00a0 For just a moment he was sure that he had witnessed what appeared to be a twinge of pain that flashed across his face and then was gone just as fast.<\/p>\n \u201cJoseph?\u00a0 Are you hurting?\u00a0 Is it that wound?\u201d<\/p>\n Joe stood and hoped he could disappear upstairs before Pa could question him further, or worse yet, inspect his side.\u00a0 \u201cI told you, Pa \u2013 my side is all healed up.\u00a0 There isn\u2019t anything wrong.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cDid you have Doc take a look at it like I told you before I left?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cSure, I did,\u201d Joe nodded, but his eyes weren\u2019t directed at his father because he knew that Pa could spot a lie when he saw it on his face.\u00a0 \u201cDoc said I was okay now.\u201d<\/p>\n Ben studied the way that his youngest wasn\u2019t looking at him and he wondered just how much of the truth, if any, Joe had spoken.\u00a0 \u201cYou know that I\u2019ll see Paul sometime this week, right?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cPa \u2013 I went to see him and I\u2019m fine, now can we stop talking about it?\u201d Joe answered, his temper mounting.<\/p>\n \u201cHey, let\u2019s get ready for supper, I\u2019m starving!\u201d Hoss jumped into the heated conversation for both Joe and Pa\u2019s sakes.<\/p>\n Ben gave his youngest one final look and then headed up to his room so that he could wash up for supper.\u00a0 Joe breathed a sigh of relief.\u00a0 He didn’t need another one of Pa\u2019s interrogations.<\/p>\n The Ponderosa required a lot of attention for the next few weeks, and all the Cartwrights had to pitch in to get everything accomplished.\u00a0 Ben had business meetings to attend, and his sons had trees to mark and later cut and haul.\u00a0 Most days were long and the only time that the four of them were together was for dinner each night.\u00a0 Joe had helped both of his brothers marking trees and then he was sent back to the ranch house to help with chores that were piling up there. The time flew by and weeks turned into months until it was early June, three months after the death of Danny Collins.\u00a0 Ben had kept an eye on Joe, and the boy had never broken down, not once.\u00a0 He had tried his best to jolt his son into facing the events leading up to Danny\u2019s death, but Joe had never cracked.\u00a0 Life went on as usual for everyone but Joe.\u00a0 He kept all of what had happened the day of Danny\u2019s death locked tightly inside of him.\u00a0 He didn\u2019t show the pain that he carried or the things that he was doing when nobody else was around.\u00a0 Joe dealt with Danny\u2019s death in his own very unhealthy way.<\/p>\n Joe remembered how mad Pa had been with him when he\u2019d found out that he\u2019d lied about going to see Doctor Martin when his father had been in San Francisco.\u00a0 He had to do some serious backpedaling with the story he had told.\u00a0 Joe had technically seen Paul, but it had been on the street in Virginia City, and he had only said hi to the doctor and walked away.\u00a0 Ben was not amused and months ago had made Doc look at the wound again.\u00a0 Paul had wondered why it was taking so long for it to heal and had given Joe some stronger medicine to use.\u00a0 After a few weeks Joe was able to tell Pa that he was all well and the mention of the wound had been dropped.\u00a0 After that, Joe had dealt with it his own way and that was to open it up once again.\u00a0 Just as usual, he had needed the pain to remember his part in Danny’s death.<\/p>\n \u201cDid you get those wagon wheels taken care of, Joseph?\u201d Ben asked as he passed the platters of food around the table for his sons.<\/p>\n \u201cYes, Sir \u2013 they\u2019ll be ready to be picked up on Thursday,\u201d Joe nodded.<\/p>\n Ben had waited as long as he could, but he figured it was time to let everyone know about the letter he had received earlier in the day.<\/p>\n \u201cI got a letter from Hugh today.\u201d<\/p>\n Everyone looked over at Pa surprised by his news except Joe who just kept eating, his eyes focused on his dinner plate.<\/p>\n \u201cHow\u2019s he doing, Pa?\u201d Adam asked.<\/p>\n \u201cHe says he\u2019s doing pretty good.\u00a0 He\u2019s going to come into town in a few weeks.\u00a0 He wants the baby to be christened by Reverend Hastings.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cIt sure was nice of Matt and his wife to name the baby Danny,\u201d Hoss remarked and shot a quick glance over at his little brother, wondering just how he\u2019d take the news.<\/p>\n Ben also stared over at Little Joe and could easily tell that he was trying his best not to listen to what was being discussed around the table.\u00a0 \u201cHugh said he looks forward to seeing all four of us.\u201d<\/p>\n Little Joe set his fork and knife on his plate and said, \u201cI\u2019ve got to go check on Cochise, I think one of her shoes needs fixing — it\u2019s loose.\u00a0 Excuse me.\u201d<\/p>\n Ben watched as Joe hurriedly walked out of the dining room.\u00a0 He listened to the sound of the front door opening and soon Joe was gone.<\/p>\n \u201cIt\u2019s been three months, Pa \u2013 and Little Joe still hasn\u2019t talked about Danny.\u00a0 You reckon he ever will?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI don\u2019t know, Hoss, I wish I could\u2019ve gotten him to the point where he would\u2019ve faced his grief three months ago.\u00a0 But he never would let me in.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cMaybe seeing Hugh\u2014or even the baby who is Danny\u2019s namesake might do it, Pa?\u201d Adam suggested.<\/p>\n Ben sighed and shrugged his shoulders.\u00a0 \u201cI don\u2019t know if it will help or hurt the situation but that\u2019s going to be later this month.\u00a0 We\u2019ll just have to wait and see.\u201d<\/p>\n After supper that night Hoss and Adam sat by the coffee table and played checkers as Pa read the Territorial Enterprise to catch up on the local comings and goings.\u00a0 Little Joe had turned down Hoss\u2019 offer to play a game or two with him saying that he was too tired.\u00a0 He just sat on the hearth staring into nothing.\u00a0 Ben dropped his newspaper down in his lap and caught sight of his youngest.\u00a0 He\u2019d been quiet, even quieter than he\u2019d been for several months.\u00a0 Closing his eyes he wondered exactly what was going on in his son\u2019s mind.\u00a0 He figured he might have taken the news of Hugh and the family\u2019s upcoming visit hard and perhaps that was why he now sat as though he was in another world.<\/p>\n *** I watched the internal struggle going on inside of Joseph.\u00a0 He was fighting it, fighting it real hard.\u00a0 Part of me wanted to jump from my chair and hold onto him to quiet what was surely a loud fight he was having inside his mind, but I waited.\u00a0\u00a0 It was a matter of timing.\u00a0 My youngest had that \u2013 well not with himself\u2014but with the horses he gentled.\u00a0 He never hurried right into the saddle.\u00a0 No, his approach was always quiet and extremely measured, trying not to spook them.\u00a0 I wonder if somehow, he learned that talent by watching me?\u00a0 Before I could pose any more questions, I spotted Joseph rising from his place there on the hearth.\u00a0 I heard his mournful tone as he called a \u201cgoodnight, Pa.\u201d ***<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n \u201cWell, goodnight, Son,\u201d<\/p>\n ***Please stay and let me help you.\u00a0 Show me a sign that you\u2019re ready for your Pa here to walk over to you, Joseph. ***<\/em><\/strong> Ben thought as he stared at the boy.<\/p>\n *** I wish I could go to you, Pa.\u00a0 I wish \u2013 oh Pa \u2013 it hurts but I deserve it so I can\u2019t let you try and take it away.\u00a0 I miss you, Pa \u2013 I miss us \u2013 but Danny won\u2019t ever feel his Pa\u2019s touch again and Mister Collins won\u2019t ever be able to comfort his son.\u00a0 So why should I be able to draw strength and comfort from you, Pa? *** <\/em><\/strong>Joe thought as he stood and stared over at his father.<\/p>\n *** Joseph hesitated for just a brief moment his eyes trying their best not to stare directly into mine.\u00a0 I suppose he knew what would happen.\u00a0 He\u2019d read my worry and the unspoken offer to shoulder his burden.\u00a0 Joseph just couldn\u2019t allow that, as if he was punishing himself over the death of his friend and he was going to deny any form of relief from the guilt he was forcing upon himself.\u00a0 After his whispered, \u201cgoodnight, Pa\u201d he was gone.\u00a0 His slumped shoulders indicated the weight he was still carrying deep inside.\u00a0 Joe\u2019s hand securely held the banister when that was never his nature to do so.\u00a0 My son had two speeds, fast and a dead stop and that was all.\u00a0 But now he walked carefully as though every step up to his room was almost an insurmountable challenge.\u00a0 I still fought to stay the course, biding my time as both of my hands gripped the arms of my chair forcing myself to stay put.\u00a0 It was like I had been waiting for months to get one glimpse into a crack that might be forming in Joseph\u2019s carefully crafted fa\u00e7ade.\u00a0 The dam couldn\u2019t possibly hold too much longer. ***<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n *** Before I had headed up to the safety of my bedroom, I thought about what I was witnessing across the room.\u00a0 I could hear it in Pa\u2019s voice, even in the mundane questions around the table when he\u2019d asked me about hauling those wheels to the blacksmith\u2019s shop.\u00a0 He was really asking me to come closer.\u00a0 Pa wanted to shield me from myself and my guilt.\u00a0 I couldn\u2019t let him.\u00a0 I deserved everything I had been putting my body and mind through.\u00a0 Even that wound to my side was festering even though nobody could tell, other than me.\u00a0 If I turned my body just the right way the burning sensation was fierce enough to take my breath away.\u00a0 So, any chance I got I turned that exact way just to punish myself.\u00a0 Danny was dead and it was my fault, so I deserved to feel pain.\u00a0 I admit to almost letting go the night Pa had lingered in my bedroom a few nights ago.\u00a0 He had said he was just checking on me, but I knew better.\u00a0 He wanted to know what I was up to and how he could help save me from myself.\u00a0 It was the only time in the last three months that I came close to begging Pa to help me.\u00a0 I thought tears were beginning to well up in my eyes at long last, but they vanished like a false lake out in the heat of the desert.\u00a0 Pa was faced away from me as he began to leave my room after yet another defeat.\u00a0 He wanted to help me, but I continued to push him away emotionally, though I\u2019d never even try to do it physically.\u00a0 I even pulled myself silently off my bed and began to mouth the words \u201cPa, come back I need you!\u201d but they never came out of my throat and then Pa was gone.\u00a0 If I could\u2019ve forgotten my responsibility for Danny\u2019s death I would\u2019ve rushed out of my room and reached for my Pa before he could\u2019ve gotten into his room across the hall.\u00a0 But once again I heard those last two gunshots and saw my best friend lying in a pool of his own blood.\u00a0 I didn\u2019t deserve my father\u2019s loving touch.\u00a0 I didn\u2019t deserve to have him hold me and tell me that he loved me because Mister Collins can never hold Danny ever again or tell him those same things. ***<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n Ben walked out into the hallway and spotted the light coming from underneath Joe\u2019s bedroom door.\u00a0 It was almost two in the morning, and he had presumed that his son was fast asleep.\u00a0 There was no reason for his boy to be awake at that hour.\u00a0 Pa hadn\u2019t heard his son crying out due to a nightmare and, as he drew closer and placed his ear up against the door, didn\u2019t hear any noise that would indicate that Joe was moving around inside.\u00a0 Knowing that if he gave his youngest a warning, by knocking on the door, that he\u2019d never find out what was really going on with the boy, Ben simply turned the doorknob and entered the bedroom unannounced.<\/p>\n Little Joe was seated next to his desk with a shot glass in his right hand and a half empty whiskey bottle to his immediate left.\u00a0 The boy, caught by surprise, shot an apprehensive glance over at his father.\u00a0 He had no idea that Pa was still awake, or he wouldn\u2019t have been so bold to have left the lamp on in his bedroom.\u00a0 There wasn\u2019t any reason to pretend that he wasn\u2019t drinking as Joe knew that Pa had him dead to rights now.<\/p>\n Ben shook his head and frowned as he approached his son.\u00a0 He reached over and took the whiskey bottle off Joe\u2019s desk and held it in his hands.<\/p>\n \u201cHaving a little nightcap, Joseph?\u201d Ben asked, his voice filled with sarcasm.<\/p>\n Little Joe didn\u2019t answer as he figured that there wasn\u2019t anything that he could say that would explain his actions at the time.\u00a0 He just stared down at the floor and away from his father\u2019s penetrating gaze.<\/p>\n Sinking down onto the end of Joe\u2019s bed, Ben continued to shake his head in frustration over the way the boy was trying his best to avoid him.\u00a0 Finally, having had enough of the situation, he sang out once more.<\/p>\n \u201cGo ahead and finish that shot, don\u2019t mind me.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI didn\u2019t think that you were still up, Pa.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThis night is just full of surprises,\u201d Ben returned and waited to see just how far the boy would go with his plan to drink hard liquor there in front of him.<\/p>\n Joe set the shot glass back on his desk and looked over at his Pa and waited for the lecture which he knew would be forthcoming.<\/p>\n \u201cWell, Joseph, just how many of those have you had this evening?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cOnly one,\u201d Joe whispered.<\/p>\n \u201cOnly one?\u00a0 Is that including the one you just set down?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNo, Sir.\u201d<\/p>\n Ben nodded and tried his best to hold back his anger for the time being.\u00a0 \u201cSo, then it\u2019s one and whatever you drank from that glass, right?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYes, Sir,\u201d Joe frowned, knowing that Pa was going to continue his interrogation.<\/p>\n Reaching over to the desk, Ben withdrew the shot glass and held it up to the light.\u00a0 \u201cI guess your total is one and a half \u2013 would that be a more accurate assessment, Joseph?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYes, Sir.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI see \u2013 how many had you planned on having until you were so rudely interrupted?\u201d<\/p>\n Joe shrugged his shoulders, still avoiding his father\u2019s gaze.<\/p>\n \u201cThat\u2019s not an answer, Son.\u00a0 Go on tell me \u2013 you might just as well.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cAs many as it took,\u201d Joe responded quietly.<\/p>\n \u201cTook to what?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cTook to fall asleep.\u201d<\/p>\n Ben nodded and sighed.\u00a0 \u201cSo, I guess this is better than warm milk, is it?\u201d<\/p>\n Joe dropped his head down to his chest and waited for his father\u2019s stern reprimand to begin.<\/p>\n \u201cHow long?\u00a0 How long have you been swilling this rotgut?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cAbout an hour.\u201d<\/p>\n Ben reached over and lifted his son\u2019s chin and glared into his eyes.\u00a0 \u201cYou know what I mean, Joseph!\u00a0 Now, how long have you been drinking on the quiet and hiding liquor up here?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cA couple of months,\u201d Joe answered barely audible.<\/p>\n \u201cSpeak up!\u201d Pa commanded.<\/p>\n \u201cA couple of months, Pa.\u201d<\/p>\n Ben stood and walked across the room and placed the whiskey bottle there on top of the mantle to his son\u2019s fireplace and then returned to the bed.\u00a0 He had to attempt to control his temper wanting to get to the bottom of his son\u2019s behavior before acting on the willfulness of the boy\u2019s disobedience.<\/p>\n \u201cA couple of months, Joseph?\u00a0 Wouldn\u2019t that be around the time of Danny\u2019s death?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cSo, you\u2019ve been drinking for almost three months \u2013 so that\u2019s more than a couple<\/strong> in my book.\u00a0 Now where have you been getting it and who\u2019s been buying it for you?\u00a0 You\u2019re too young to buy it in Virginia City yourself.\u00a0 Out with it!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI can\u2019t say, Pa \u2013 I gave my word on it,\u201d Joe answered, again dropping his voice to just above a whisper.<\/p>\n Ben reached over and pulled Little Joe\u2019s chin up to force his gaze.\u00a0 \u201cSon, whoever is buying this for you isn\u2019t helping you and they don\u2019t deserve your loyalty.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI just can\u2019t, Pa.\u00a0 You always said once you give someone your word you\u2019ve got to stick by it,\u201d Joe insisted.<\/p>\n \u201cI find it very ironic that you can quote some of the things that I tell you but forget all about other things \u2013 like when I\u2019ve told you that you\u2019re not allowed to drink hard liquor.\u00a0 I\u2019ll give whoever bought the whiskey a pass for now because we\u2019ve got other issues to deal with first.\u00a0 Now, you\u2019ve been drinking for almost three months \u2013 how many shots a night?\u201d<\/p>\n Joe had to stare into his father\u2019s eyes as Pa still held onto his chin at the time.\u00a0 \u201cI don\u2019t know.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cDon\u2019t lie to me, Joseph\u2014you\u2019re in enough trouble already,\u201d Pa warned.<\/p>\n \u201cThree or four \u2013 I guess.\u201d<\/p>\n Ben\u2019s mouth dropped open in astonishment.\u00a0 \u201cJoseph, you\u2019re only seventeen years old\u2014three or four shots would put most grown men under the table!\u00a0 How have you managed to get up in the morning?\u201d<\/p>\n Joe simply shrugged his shoulders.<\/p>\n \u201cYoung Man, I\u2019m very angry with you right now so you\u2019d do well to answer me.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI usually start drinking as soon as I come up here \u2013 it\u2019s the only way that I can fall to sleep, Pa, but I can get up okay,\u201d Little Joe explained and this time he showed sincerity on his face.<\/p>\n Ben groaned and dropped his hand down releasing his son\u2019s chin.\u00a0 \u201cSo, then that\u2019s why you\u2019ve been turning in right after supper most nights?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThis is all about Danny, isn\u2019t it, Joseph?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNo — like I said it\u2019s because I can\u2019t sleep,\u201d Joe returned.<\/p>\n \u201cYou never had much trouble sleeping before Danny died \u2013 and if you\u2019ve been drinking ever since his death, it\u2019s pretty easy to figure out why.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI don\u2019t want to talk about Danny, Pa,\u201d Joe complained and stood from his desk.<\/p>\n \u201cRight here!\u201d Ben pointed to the bed.\u00a0 \u201cDon\u2019t you walk away from me now.\u201d<\/p>\n Joe sighed and moved to sit next to his father on the bottom of the bed.<\/p>\n \u201cWhere is the rest of it, Joseph?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhat?\u201d Joe asked, pretending he didn\u2019t understand his father\u2019s question.<\/p>\n \u201cJoseph\u2014don\u2019t play me \u2013 go and bring me any other whiskey you\u2019ve got stashed in this room.\u201d<\/p>\n Joe looked at his father blankly.<\/p>\n \u201cJoseph \u2013 go and get it or I\u2019ll have to tear apart your room and it\u2019s far too late to do that right now.\u201d<\/p>\n Joe frowned and stood and walked around to the other side of his bed and knelt down.\u00a0 He fished a full bottle of whiskey out from underneath his mattress.<\/p>\n \u201cJust go put it up on the mantle with the other one,\u201d Ben instructed and watched as his son made the move across the room.\u00a0 Joe placed it up on top of the mantle and turned back towards Pa.\u00a0 \u201cGo and place what\u2019s left in that shot glass up there too while you\u2019re at it!\u201d<\/p>\n Joe groaned and made the move to his desk.\u00a0 He paused and looked down at what was left in the glass and felt his father\u2019s hand on his arm.<\/p>\n \u201cDon\u2019t even think about it!\u00a0 Now go do as I\u2019ve told you.\u201d<\/p>\n Joe begrudgingly grabbed the shot glass and carried it over to the mantle, placing it next to the two bottles.<\/p>\n \u201cBack here,\u201d Ben called and pointed to the bed once more.<\/p>\n Little Joe took a seat next to his father and waited for him to start back with the lecture.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019ve been trying to get you to open up about your feelings about Danny\u2019s death for months now, Boy.\u00a0 You just refuse to do it.\u00a0 You\u2019re not going to get over it until you let it out, Joseph,\u201d Pa admonished though his tone was a bit softer due to the situation.<\/p>\n \u201cI don\u2019t have anything to say about it, Pa.\u00a0 I\u2019ve been telling you that for months and you won\u2019t let it go.\u201d<\/p>\n Ben turned his son\u2019s face to look at him and replied, \u201cYou haven\u2019t shed one solitary tear for your best friend.\u00a0 That stray dog that you found a year ago \u2013 when it died you shed more than a few tears over it.\u00a0 And yet your best friend dies and there\u2019s no sign of grief from you \u2013 nothing\u2014that\u2019s not normal, Son.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cHe didn\u2019t just die, Pa \u2013 he was killed \u2013 by me.\u00a0 Now please stop \u2013 I don\u2019t want to talk about it,\u201d Joe pleaded.<\/p>\n \u201cEveryone\u2019s told you that there\u2019s no proof that it was your bullet \u2013 and even if it had been your bullet \u2013 it was an accident, Joe, just an accident!\u201d<\/p>\n Joe folded his arms across his chest and just sat there with a blank look on his face showing no sign of any emotion at all.<\/p>\n Ben cleared his throat and decided to get back to other issues as he hadn\u2019t been able to get his son to talk about his friend\u2019s death for months.<\/p>\n \u201cAlright\u2014now about that whiskey, Joseph, you know what I\u2019ve told you before about drinking.\u00a0 You knew very well that you had no business buying it and hiding it or drinking it every night.\u00a0 I ought to take you out to the barn and give you a good tanning for what you\u2019ve done.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cOkay \u2013 whatever you want to do,\u201d Little Joe nodded as though it wouldn\u2019t make a bit of a difference to him either way.<\/p>\n \u201cYou probably want me to hit you, right?\u00a0 You feel like you deserve to be punished, isn\u2019t that the crux of the matter?\u201d Ben asked as he stared into his son\u2019s eyes, which were so devoid of emotion.<\/p>\n \u201cWhatever you want to do, Pa,\u201d Joe repeated.<\/p>\n \u201cThere\u2019s no reason for me to punish you because you\u2019re punishing yourself enough.\u00a0 Stand up!\u201d Ben demanded.<\/p>\n Joe drew in a deep breath figuring his father might just take off his belt right there in the bedroom and not bother to go out to the barn at such a late hour.\u00a0 He stood and faced him and waited.<\/p>\n \u201cPull up your shirt, Joseph.\u201d<\/p>\n Finally, Joe knew what his father was about to do, and he dreaded it worse than if Pa was readying to give him a tanning.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m okay,\u201d Joe insisted and backed away from the bed.<\/p>\n Ben approached his son and reached his hand over to his shirt.\u00a0 He tugged on it, freeing it from Joe\u2019s pants.\u00a0 He noticed his son closing his eyes in preparation for the inspection.<\/p>\n \u201cLook at this wound!\u201d Ben exclaimed lifting the shirt up and staring down at the red and festered looking gouge to his son\u2019s side.\u00a0 \u201cIt should\u2019ve healed months ago, Joseph!\u00a0 What in the name of God have you been doing to it?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI said that I\u2019m okay, Pa.\u201d<\/p>\n Ben turned his son so that he faced the kerosene lamp so he could inspect the wound better.<\/p>\n \u201cThis looks like it was done yesterday and not three months ago, Joseph!\u00a0 Now you\u2019d better tell me what you\u2019ve been doing to it \u2013 I want to know right this minute!\u201d<\/p>\n Joe shrugged his shoulders noncommittally and replied, \u201cI don\u2019t know\u2014I guess I\u2019ve just not been taking care of it.\u201d<\/p>\n Ben locked his hands onto the boy\u2019s shoulders and shook his head angrily.\u00a0 \u201cIt\u2019s been opened up \u2013 that means you\u2019ve purposely been messing with it.\u00a0 Why \u2013 why, Joseph?\u00a0 Why in the name of God are you hurting yourself?\u201d Ben cried out, now more worried than he was angry with his boy.<\/p>\n Joe just dropped his head down towards the floor and didn\u2019t answer.<\/p>\n \u201cJoseph\u2014I just don\u2019t know what to do anymore \u2013 I really don\u2019t.\u00a0 You won\u2019t let me help you.\u00a0 You won\u2019t talk to me \u2013 or anyone else about what you\u2019re going through.\u00a0 You are purposely hurting yourself and for no reason.\u00a0 On top of all of that you\u2019ve been drinking behind my back \u2013 and doing it far more than any seventeen-year-old should ever do!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m sorry,\u201d Little Joe whispered but still showed no emotion at all.<\/p>\n \u201cNo, you\u2019re not\u2014because if you were you\u2019d try to open up to me.\u00a0 You just keep getting worse and I\u2019m not willing to lose you.\u00a0 Is this how you honor your best friend?\u00a0 Do you think Danny would want to see you like this?\u201d<\/p>\n Little Joe refused to respond to what his father had said.\u00a0 He just stood there next to Pa as he posed his questions.<\/p>\n Ben crossed the room making his way over to his son\u2019s bureau.\u00a0 He drew out a nightshirt and then approached Joe once more.\u00a0 \u201cYou get yourself into this right now, Young Man.\u00a0 I\u2019ll be back in here in five minutes as soon as I take this whiskey downstairs and pour it out.\u201d<\/p>\n Joe watched as Pa crossed the room and made it to the door.\u00a0 \u201cI can\u2019t sleep without it!\u201d He protested.<\/p>\n \u201cGet into that nightshirt right now, Joseph!\u201d Ben demanded and turned out into the hall.<\/p>\n Pa was back up in Joe\u2019s room a short while later and found him in his nightshirt and lying on top of the covers on the bed.\u00a0 Ben approached his son carrying with him a tray with some medicine on it.\u00a0 He settled down onto the bed next to Joe.<\/p>\n \u201cI don\u2019t need any medicine,\u201d he complained.<\/p>\n \u201cLift your nightshirt up,\u201d Ben called down to the boy sternly, ignoring Joe\u2019s protests.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m okay.\u201d<\/p>\n Pa glared at the boy and Joe finally relented and pulled his nightshirt up to his chest.<\/p>\n Ben spread salve onto his son\u2019s wound and then covered it with a cloth bandage.\u00a0 \u201cThis is going to have to do until Doc looks at it tomorrow.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI don\u2019t need Doc.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cJoseph \u2013 I\u2019m not in any mood to argue back and forth with you.\u00a0 Young Man, you\u2019re in enough trouble already.\u201d<\/p>\n Ben stood and placed the medicine back onto the tray and called over to his boy.\u00a0 \u201cNow you go to sleep.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI told you I can\u2019t sleep without the whiskey!\u201d Joe exclaimed as he tugged his nightshirt down.<\/p>\n \u201cWell, you\u2019re going to have to settle for water tonight, Joseph.\u00a0 Besides you had a shot and a half of rotgut, that ought to tide you over for the time being.\u00a0 Now close your eyes and I\u2019ll see you in the morning,\u201d Pa replied as he pulled the quilt up from the bottom of the bed and covered his son with it.<\/p>\n \u201cI might just as well get up and go downstairs,\u201d Joe continued as he sat up in his bed.<\/p>\n Ben frowned and raised his eyebrows, \u201cYou know I seem to recall that there\u2019s a key to your bedroom door somewhere inside my desk \u2013 do I need to go and get it?\u201d<\/p>\n Joe folded his arms across his chest and kept his mouth closed.<\/p>\n Ben opened the door and glanced over at his son and said, \u201cYes \u2013 I thought that might get your attention, Joseph.\u00a0 Now go to sleep and I\u2019ll talk with you more about all of this in the morning.\u201d<\/p>\n Joe watched as his father closed his door.\u00a0 He sat up on his bed and yawned.\u00a0 He knew that he might as well get up and get dressed.\u00a0 Though Joe was smart enough to wait until he heard Pa\u2019s bedroom door close first.\u00a0 He listened to the sound before he climbed back off his bed and got dressed again.<\/p>\n Ben was not amused when he checked on Little Joe when he awoke only to see the nightshirt lying there on his bed.\u00a0 Frowning and a bit groggy from very little sleep, he walked down the stairs hoping that some coffee would make him more alert.\u00a0 He noticed that Hoss and Adam were already seated in the dining room eating their breakfast.<\/p>\n \u201cMorning, Boys,\u201d Ben nodded to them both as he took his seat at the head of the table and poured himself some coffee.<\/p>\n \u201cYou look tired, Pa \u2013 anything wrong?\u201d<\/p>\n Ben drew in a deep breath and let it out slowly, trying to figure out just how much of his conversation with Joe he should share with his brothers.<\/p>\n \u201cJust a long night, Adam.\u00a0 Have you or Hoss seen Joe?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cHaven\u2019t been outside yet, Pa \u2013 but I\u2019ve not seen him,\u201d Hoss nodded.<\/p>\n \u201cHe\u2019s not in his room?\u201d Adam asked, surprised by his father\u2019s question, as Joe was usually the last one to make it to the breakfast table.<\/p>\n Ben shook his head, \u201cNo, and I\u2019m not sure if he ever went to sleep last night,\u201d He paused and frowned, deciding that he\u2019d better fill his sons in on a bit of the information he\u2019d garnered the previous night.\u00a0 \u201cYour little brother has been hiding a lot from the three of us.\u00a0 For one thing, he\u2019s been drinking and quite a lot.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cHuh?\u00a0 I ain\u2019t seen Little Joe go into town,\u201d Hoss said staring over at his father.<\/p>\n \u201cApparently, he\u2019s found someone around here to buy rotgut for him and has kept a supply up in his room.\u00a0 He admitted to drinking for the last three months \u2013 ever since Danny\u2019s death.\u201d<\/p>\n Hoss and Adam looked back and forth surprised over what Pa had said.<\/p>\n \u201cThat kid can\u2019t hold his rotgut, Pa!\u00a0 I\u2019ve only caught him drinking that stuff once and all it did was to make him throw up,\u201d Adam announced.<\/p>\n \u201cWell, he must\u2019ve built up a tolerance for it because Joseph admitted to chugging three or four shots of whiskey every single night.\u00a0 He told me that it\u2019s the only way he can sleep,\u201d Pa explained and sipped at his coffee.<\/p>\n \u201cSounds like the kid needs a trip to the barn with you.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNo, Adam, that won\u2019t help the situation this time.\u00a0 Joe is having real problems and that wound to his side \u2013 well it never really healed.\u00a0 I had a look at it, and it looks worse than when it originally happened.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI don\u2019t get it, Pa?\u00a0 I mean Doc fixed it months ago \u2013 you even took Joe to see him when the kid lied to you about it being okay,\u201d Hoss replied confused.<\/p>\n Ben shook his head and thought about what he had seen the previous night.\u00a0 He was afraid of what Joe had been doing to hurt himself and it showed all over his face.\u00a0 Before he could respond a knock sounded on the front door.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019ll get it,\u201d Ben called as he stood.\u00a0 Any distraction was a welcome one that would take his mind off his youngest and his troubles.<\/p>\n Pulling the front door open he saw his foreman standing there.\u00a0 \u201cFletcher, come on in,\u201d Ben said and moved out of the way to allow the man to step inside.<\/p>\n \u201cBen \u2013 I \u2013 well I need to report a theft.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cTheft?\u00a0 What got stolen?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWell \u2013 I was getting my gear together — you know me and a few of the hands are supposed to go check on the herd today \u2013 and I noticed that something was missing from my saddlebags,\u201d Fletcher explained.<\/p>\n Ben crossed his arms over his chest and frowned.\u00a0 \u201cWhat\u2019s missing?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWell, Ben — I take some snake bite medicine along \u2013 you know, just in case?\u201d Fletcher grinned.\u00a0 He knew that his boss wasn\u2019t happy about anyone indulging in liquor while working on the ranch, but he had known Ben Cartwright for quite some time, and he\u2019d know that he wasn\u2019t the type to overuse the stuff.<\/p>\n \u201cHow much did you have?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cA brand-new pint of whiskey, Ben.\u00a0 But the strange thing is we must have an honest thief around here\u2014because they left a silver dollar right where that bottle had been.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhen do you think it was taken?\u201d Ben questioned, now having his suspicions over the identity of the thief.<\/p>\n \u201cI had it yesterday, in fact I\u2019d just bought it at the Silver Dollar, so it had to get taken out of my saddlebags sometime either late last night or early this morning before I woke up.\u00a0 I checked with the other boys and none of them have it.\u00a0 I just thought I\u2019d tell you, so you\u2019d know to look out for whoever is taking things around here.\u201d<\/p>\n Ben pursed his lips and tried to figure out how he could best handle the situation.\u00a0 \u201cI tell you what, Fletcher, you men don\u2019t have to leave for a while yet so why don\u2019t you go into town and take that money and get yourself another bottle?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cIt might put me an hour or so late getting out to the herd, are you sure?\u201d<\/p>\n Ben nodded and smiled as he walked the other man to the door.\u00a0 \u201cYes, that\u2019s fine.\u00a0 And I\u2019ll be sure to find out exactly who took your snake bite remedy.\u201d<\/p>\n Fletcher grinned over at Ben, \u201cThanks, Boss.\u201d<\/p>\n Closing the door Ben turned to see his two sons standing there taking in the information that the foreman had said.<\/p>\n \u201cOh, Pa \u2013 do you think –,\u201d Hoss started but was cut off by his father.<\/p>\n \u201cYes, I do,\u201d Ben frowned and moved to the credenza to get his holster.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019m going to find that boy and give him a stern talking to.\u00a0 And after I do that, I\u2019m taking him to see Doc to get that wound looked at.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYou want some company?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNo, Adam, I\u2019d better handle this,\u201d Ben returned as he grabbed his hat and opened the front door.\u00a0 \u201cIf Joseph happens to get back here before I find him you two boys hold onto him for me.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYes, Sir,\u201d Hoss nodded and watched as his father hurried to the barn.<\/p>\n Ben grew very frustrated as he tried to find where his youngest had run off to with what was probably yet more pilfered whiskey.\u00a0 He had tried Joe\u2019s normal haunts, including checking up at Marie\u2019s grave.\u00a0 There were no flowers next to her headstone, so Ben knew that the boy hadn\u2019t gone there this time.\u00a0 He presumed that Joe wouldn\u2019t have gone into Virginia City where he might be spotted by friends who would then report back to the Cartwrights about seeing him there.\u00a0 Finally, the worried father checked the very last place he\u2019d thought that his son would have gone, the grave of Danny Collins.<\/p>\n *** Here you go, Danny ***<\/em><\/strong> Joe thought to himself as he tilted the pint of liquor and poured a shot onto his friend\u2019s grave.\u00a0 Then, just as usual, Joe took a couple good swigs from the bottle and re-corked it.<\/p>\n \u201cJoseph,\u201d Ben called out quietly as he drew close to his son.<\/p>\n Little Joe hadn\u2019t heard his father\u2019s approach and hesitated before turning around to face him.\u00a0 He had no idea what he\u2019d say to Pa this time, so he remained silent.<\/p>\n \u201cHand it over,\u201d Ben commanded reaching his hand towards his son.<\/p>\n Joe frowned but knew that there would be no talking his father out of letting him keep the whiskey.\u00a0 He looked at the ground as he held the bottle out and Pa took hold of it.<\/p>\n Ben examined his son\u2019s face, and just as it had been for months, there was no sadness or sorrow.\u00a0 There were no tears, nothing to show the grief that he should have had over the loss of his best friend.<\/p>\n \u201cWhy are you here?\u00a0 Is it paying respects to pour out whiskey on Danny\u2019s grave?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI don\u2019t want to talk about it, Pa.\u201d<\/p>\n Ben took his son by the shoulders and forced him to look into his eyes.\u00a0 \u201cJoseph if you\u2019d just let it out \u2013 just do it!\u00a0 It\u2019s the only way to get over losing Danny.\u201d<\/p>\n Little Joe showed no emotion in his eyes; there was only a calm numbness in his gaze.\u00a0 \u201cI don\u2019t have anything to let out, Pa.\u00a0 Nothing will bring him back so there\u2019s not really any point.\u00a0 I killed him \u2013 and I can\u2019t take that back \u2013 not ever.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYou didn\u2019t kill him!\u00a0 There isn\u2019t any proof that it was your bullet \u2013 how many times do I have to say it, Joseph?\u00a0 It was an accident \u2013 one nobody blames you for except YOU<\/strong>, and you\u2019re killing yourself over it!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m not killing myself,\u201d Joe returned quietly.<\/p>\n \u201cOh?\u00a0 What about all this drinking that you\u2019ve been doing?\u00a0 You know that\u2019s not good for a boy your age!\u00a0 And then there\u2019s that wound of yours \u2013 one that you\u2019ve purposely opened and now is all festered,\u201d Ben retorted, both worried and frustrated over not being able to get through to his son.<\/p>\n Little Joe dropped his head down and didn\u2019t respond.<\/p>\n \u201cYou\u2019re going to go into town with me right now and we\u2019re going to see Doc Martin.\u00a0 Now mount up!\u201d<\/p>\n Joe turned and walked over to his horse knowing that his father wasn\u2019t going to quit pushing him to get his wound looked at.\u00a0 He swung up into his saddle and soon Pa was right next to him on Buck.<\/p>\n \u201cGet going,\u201d Ben directed as he pointed towards Virginia City.<\/p>\n Before the doctor examined his patient, the anxious father had pulled Paul into the man\u2019s office to speak privately with him.\u00a0 Once he knew all the details about Joe\u2019s drinking and his wound, Doc waved Little Joe into the examination room.\u00a0 Begrudgingly Joe walked inside and was told to remove his shirt.<\/p>\n \u201cNow you just lie back on that table, Little Joe,\u201d Paul instructed as he washed and dried his hands.\u00a0 After his patient had done as he had been told Doc examined the boy\u2019s wound and shook his head angrily.<\/p>\n \u201cLittle Joe Cartwright,\u201d Doc began while wagging his right index finger over at him.\u00a0 \u201cDo you think I don\u2019t have enough business?\u00a0 Well, I tell you what \u2013 I\u2019ve got plenty, and I don\u2019t need you to undo what I tried to fix.\u00a0 Unless somebody shot you recently and you didn\u2019t bother to tell your Pa here then you\u2019ve been digging at this wound.\u00a0 Now fess up, Boy!\u201d<\/p>\n Joe refused to look at the doctor nor answer his question.<\/p>\n \u201cStubborn little cuss,\u201d Doc muttered and turned to get some medicine over on the counter.\u00a0 \u201cIf you were my son you\u2019d be standing to eat about now,\u201d Paul continued to fuss at the boy.\u00a0 \u201cNow this is gonna sting so just stay put!\u201d Doc spread some antiseptic over the wound and watched as the area bubbled up.<\/p>\n \u201cHow is it, Paul?\u201d Ben asked, drawing closer to his son.<\/p>\n \u201cWell, it\u2019s infected very badly, Ben.\u00a0 I guess this boy has never heard of sepsis, have you, Joe?\u201d<\/p>\n Joe simply shrugged his shoulders and still refused to look at the doctor.<\/p>\n Paul set his hand down onto his patient\u2019s shoulder and took his other hand and used it to pull Joe\u2019s chin to direct his gaze.\u00a0 \u201cLittle Joe, I\u2019m not playing here.\u00a0 You ever hear of sepsis?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNo,\u201d Joe replied quietly after witnessing the expressions of concern laced with anger that both men wore as they stared down at him.<\/p>\n \u201cWell, it can be caused by a wound that gets infected and isn\u2019t treated.\u00a0 This wound has been opened too many times and if we don\u2019t get it taken care of pretty soon that infection can lead to sepsis and kill you!\u00a0 Infection can spread through your whole body and then there won\u2019t be a blamed thing that I can do for you.\u00a0 Now why do you want to go worrying your Pa and me too?\u201d Paul\u2019s voice suddenly became softer in tone as he tried to get through to the boy on the table before it was too late.<\/p>\n \u201cTell us what you did to that wound, Joseph,\u201d Ben urged his son to tell them the truth so it would be out in the open.<\/p>\n Joe closed his eyes and chewed at his bottom lip, not wanting to reveal how he had purposely harmed himself.<\/p>\n \u201cTell us,\u201d Paul said and patted the boy\u2019s arm.<\/p>\n \u201cI guess I hit it a few times.\u201d<\/p>\n Ben and Paul exchanged worried glances.\u00a0 They had both presumed Joe hadn\u2019t taken care of the wound or had accidentally hit it somehow and just hadn\u2019t doctored it, but they hadn\u2019t known that the boy was doing the damage purposely.<\/p>\n \u201cHit it?\u00a0 Hit it with what?\u201d<\/p>\n Joe stared down, wondering what his father would think about what he had done.\u00a0 \u201cI just hit it with my fist a few times.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhy\u2019d you do that, Little Joe?\u201d Paul asked softly.<\/p>\n \u201cI \u2013 I don\u2019t know.\u201d<\/p>\n Ben sighed and shook his head, upset that his son hadn\u2019t been honest with him the previous night.\u00a0 He had believed that Joe had accidentally re-injured his side and just didn\u2019t bother to do anything about it, but now the truth was out and the fact that the wound had been purposely opened up made the whole awful situation harder to comprehend.<\/p>\n \u201cI think you know, and I think it\u2019s because of what happened to your friend, Boy,\u201d Paul whispered.\u00a0 \u201cNow, listen to me.\u00a0 I\u2019ve handled lots of cases where a ricocheted bullet hit someone.\u00a0 That\u2019s what got Danny and that\u2019s what got you, Joe.\u00a0 It was an accident and you both were shot.\u00a0 Do you think Danny would\u2019ve acted like you are doing if it had been him who lived?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cDanny\u2019s dead \u2013 and I killed him,\u201d Joe muttered.\u00a0 \u201cI don\u2019t want to talk about this.\u00a0 If you\u2019re going to fix me up, then fine \u2013 if not I want to leave.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYou stay put, Joseph, and that\u2019s an order!\u201d Ben said sternly and dropped his hand down onto Joe\u2019s right shoulder.<\/p>\n \u201cLittle Joe, your Pa told me you\u2019ve been hitting the bottle pretty hard.\u00a0 Is that true?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019ve just had a few at night \u2013 so\u2019s I can sleep.\u00a0 I don\u2019t think there\u2019s anything wrong with that \u2013 I still get up and do my chores,\u201d Joe answered belligerently.<\/p>\n \u201cWell, there, Little Joe, I\u2019ll just show you the harm in doing all that drinking \u2013 and it doesn\u2019t matter if you\u2019re seventeen or seventy.\u00a0 Here,\u201d Paul said and pressed down hard on Joe\u2019s right side just under his ribcage.\u00a0 \u201cYou feel that, Boy?\u201d<\/p>\n Joe winced his face and nodded his head.<\/p>\n \u201cThat\u2019s your liver and it\u2019s probably working hard to prevent you from killing yourself with all the liquor you\u2019ve been swilling nightly.\u00a0 But it can only do so much and then it gets weak and it grows bigger and stops working and then you\u2019ve had it.\u00a0 It\u2019s a bad way to go, Joe \u2013 I\u2019ve tended a whole lot of men who thought that drinking nightly wasn\u2019t a big thing\u2014just like you.\u201d<\/p>\n Paul turned and grabbed some medicine and a spoon.\u00a0 \u201cYou take this for that wound,\u201d He ordered and lifted the spoon to his patient\u2019s lips.\u00a0 Joe drank it down because he didn\u2019t have any other recourse, especially not with both the doctor and his father teaming up.\u00a0 \u201cNow,\u201d Paul paused and reached for some ointment and spread it onto the wound in Joe\u2019s side.\u00a0 \u201cThis will help and I\u2019ll send some home with your Pa.\u00a0 I want this wound to stay dry, so you keep a bandage on it too.\u201d\u00a0 The doctor walked over to the counter and drew up some cotton wadding and a cloth bandage to put over Joe\u2019s injury.\u00a0 He placed it there on the boy\u2019s side and turned towards Ben.<\/p>\n \u201cBen, no more taking Little Joe\u2019s word on how he\u2019s doing until he can start leveling with you.\u00a0 I want you to give him a tablespoon of the medicine I just gave him twice a day, it will help to stop that infection.\u00a0 You put that ointment on him the same time you give him the dose.\u00a0 I\u2019ll come over to the ranch in a couple of days to see how he\u2019s doing.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThank you, Paul,\u201d Ben nodded as the doctor placed the medicine into his hands.<\/p>\n \u201cGo ahead and sit back up, Little Joe, and put your shirt on,\u201d Paul directed.<\/p>\n Joe reached for his shirt held in Pa\u2019s hand.\u00a0 He shrugged into it and slowly buttoned it up, noticing the looks that passed between both the doctor and his father.<\/p>\n \u201cLittle Joe, I don\u2019t want to hear of you drinking ANY<\/strong> liquor at all.\u00a0 And I mean that!\u00a0 Do you understand me, Boy?\u201d Paul asked, raising his eyebrows to bring home his point.<\/p>\n \u201cAlright,\u201d Joe returned, though there was a lack of sincerity in his tone of voice.<\/p>\n \u201cBen, you ride herd on this kid for a while, so we don\u2019t have to cauterize that wound of his.\u00a0 And keep an eye on what he\u2019s drinking too!\u201d<\/p>\n Offering the doctor his hand to thank him, Ben nodded.\u00a0 \u201cI will.\u00a0 Thanks again, Paul.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019ll see you in a couple of days, Little Joe.\u00a0 Now you take care of yourself, so I don\u2019t have to get my blood pressure up yelling at you again!\u201d Doc smiled and patted the boy\u2019s arm as he climbed down from the examination table.<\/p>\n \u201cYes, Sir,\u201d Joe muttered and then turned out of the room ahead of his father.<\/p>\n It had been a very quiet ride back home with Pa swept up in his concern for his son and Joe wondering what he was going to do about his wound and his drinking.\u00a0 He couldn\u2019t think about trying to sleep without numbing himself with whiskey but now that wouldn\u2019t be an option.<\/p>\n \u201cJoseph, you come into the house now,\u201d Ben called over to his son as they tied their reins to the front hitching post.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019ll put the horses away.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNo, not this time.\u00a0 I\u2019m going to keep my eyes on you.\u00a0 And when Fletcher gets back tomorrow, you\u2019re going to apologize to him for taking that liquor!\u201d<\/p>\n Joe dropped his head down to his chest, embarrassed to discover that Pa had known where he had gotten the pint of whiskey.\u00a0 \u201cI left money to pay for it,\u201d he announced somberly.<\/p>\n Ben reached for his son\u2019s arm and forced his gaze.\u00a0 \u201cIt doesn\u2019t matter that you left money, you stole it, Joseph!\u00a0 I have enough problems right now due to your behavior.\u00a0 I\u2019m not going to debate with you over the technicalities of what is theft and what is creative borrowing.\u00a0 Now get inside.\u201d<\/p>\n Joe walked into the ranch with his father at his heels.\u00a0 He hated that everything was out in the open now from his drinking to his stealing and what he was doing to his wound.<\/p>\n \u201cYou go on up to your room and lie down,\u201d Ben insisted and pointed to the stairs.<\/p>\n Little Joe walked up to his room not because his father told him to do so but because he had wanted to get away from him.\u00a0 He presumed that he was going to get yet another lecture from Pa the next time he saw him, and Little Joe dreaded it.<\/p>\n That night Joe just toyed with his dinner and avoided conversation at the table.\u00a0 He knew that his brothers had heard all the stories about him by then and Little Joe didn\u2019t need to listen to anyone else\u2019s reprimands.\u00a0 Pa had already gone a bit overboard in that department, or so Joe thought.\u00a0 He had come up an hour before supper to put medicine on his wound and while doing so he had admonished his son thoroughly on the dangerous path he was heading down.\u00a0 Pa had also chastised him about taking the liquor from Fletcher\u2019s personal belongings and reminded Joe that he\u2019d better be fast with an apology the following day.\u00a0 Throughout Pa\u2019s lecture and warnings Joe had simply stood there and nodded as he didn\u2019t have anything more to offer him.\u00a0 All he could think about was the fact that he\u2019d have to try to fall asleep without any whiskey for the first time in almost three months.\u00a0 Little Joe doubted he could do it as he had tried to fall asleep unassisted quite a few times in the past and had always ended up turning back to alcohol to help him.<\/p>\n Waiting patiently in his bed, Joe listened to the footsteps in the hall as they drew closer to his room.\u00a0 He knew that Pa would pay him one more visit before turning in for the night.\u00a0 As his father turned the doorknob and eased quietly into the room, Joe pretended that he was fast asleep in his bed.\u00a0 He soon felt Pa\u2019s hand on his forehead pushing his unruly bangs aside.\u00a0 Little Joe held his breath hoping that he looked convincing enough.\u00a0 When he heard Pa\u2019s bootsteps retreating out of his room and heading across the hall he gave a relieved sigh, however he decided to wait a bit longer to get out of bed.\u00a0 He needed to make sure that both of his brothers had also turned in like his father had.\u00a0 Joe sat up in his bed and listened intently.\u00a0 He heard Adam calling a soft goodnight to Hoss and then he waited for the sound of both bedroom doors closing.\u00a0 Joe held his place for a little while longer, making sure that they all were deep in slumber before he attempted to leave his room.<\/p>\n The house was cloaked in silence other than the soft metallic clicking of the grandfather clock there by the front door.\u00a0 Tip-toeing on his bare feet, Little Joe walked over to his father\u2019s desk and to the small table where Pa always kept a bottle of brandy.\u00a0 Always that is, until now.\u00a0 Joe frowned and wondered why it wasn\u2019t out in the open unless it was to keep temptation away from anyone who might pretend that they were asleep and were carefully sneaking around after midnight.\u00a0 He next tried the bottom drawer to his father\u2019s desk, as Pa was known to keep an extra bottle for unexpected guests there.\u00a0 The drawer was dreadfully empty.\u00a0 Joe stepped across to the other side of the desk and opened the cabinet where there should be a bottle of whiskey that was rarely used around the place.\u00a0 It was gone.\u00a0 He frowned and shook his head, realizing that Pa must have thought a few steps ahead of him that night.<\/p>\n *** Well, there\u2019s always Hop Sing\u2019s cooking sherry. <\/em><\/strong> Joe thought to himself and groaned softly.\u00a0 <\/em><\/strong> It\u2019s not going to be as strong as rotgut but maybe if I drink enough, it will do the trick. ***<\/em><\/strong> He mused as he silently walked across the room and into the kitchen.<\/p>\n Joe\u2019s sojourn into Hop Sing\u2019s territory proved futile and as he headed back into the living room, he just shook his head.\u00a0 ***No brandy, no whiskey and not one solitary drop of cooking sherry either.\u00a0 I could go and see what I can find in the bunk house but if I get caught out there Pa will raise the roof. ***\u00a0 <\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n The moment he made it back into the living room he heard someone clearing their throat.\u00a0 Shooting a surprised glance over to the stairs, Joe winced his face when he spotted his father.\u00a0 Pa was just standing there with his arms crossed over his chest and a piercing gaze aimed right at him.<\/p>\n \u201cWere you looking for anything in particular, Joseph?\u201d Ben sounded out with irritation in his tone.<\/p>\n \u201cI just came down to get some water,\u201d Joe remarked quietly, avoiding his father\u2019s eyes.<\/p>\n Ben crossed the room and stopped a few inches shy of his son.\u00a0 \u201cThat\u2019s odd \u2013 when I gave you your medicine just a few hours ago you had an entire pitcher of water right next to your bed.\u201d<\/p>\n Finally looking up Little Joe drew in a deep breath and confessed, \u201cAlright, Pa \u2013 I wanted something a little stronger than water to drink — but I guess you took care of that.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYes, I did.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI can\u2019t sleep.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cJoseph, you can\u2019t keep drinking like you\u2019ve been doing, Paul told you what it will do to you in the long run.\u00a0 Now go upstairs and try it again.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI tell you I can\u2019t!\u201d Joe shouted, raising his hands in gesture.\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cYou don\u2019t know what it\u2019s like to just lay there hour after hour and never going to sleep \u2013 not all night!\u201d<\/p>\n Ben placed his hand onto his son\u2019s shoulder and shook his head.\u00a0 \u201cHold your voice down, your brothers are sleeping –,\u201d<\/p>\n Joe cut his father off, \u201cWell, it\u2019s nice that THEY<\/strong> can sleep!\u00a0 I can\u2019t \u2013 and all I want is one drink of anything that will help me.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNever mind — I\u2019ll just go sit up in my room until daylight!\u201d Joe returned angrily and began to walk away.<\/p>\n Ben caught a hold of the boy\u2019s elbow to prevent his escape.\u00a0 \u201cJoseph, you need to deal with the cause of your insomnia.\u00a0 Now, why don\u2019t we sit down and talk?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI told you there\u2019s nothing to say, Pa.\u00a0 Go on to bed \u2013 you might as well get some sleep like everyone else in this house except me.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI just don\u2019t understand, Son, you and I have always been able to work things out before\u2014why won\u2019t you let me help you with this?\u201d\u00a0 Ben pried softly hoping that he could somehow get through to the boy.<\/p>\n Joe shook his head and a frown overtook his face.\u00a0 \u201cPa, some things can get talked out \u2013 and some things can\u2019t.\u00a0 No amount of talk is going to bring Danny back and no amount of talk is going to take away the fact that I killed him.\u201d<\/p>\n Ben grabbed his son by the shoulders and held on tightly.\u00a0 \u201cJoseph \u2013 was Danny trying to kill you?\u201d He fired back sharply for effect.<\/p>\n \u201cWhat are you talking about?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWell, if you\u2019re insisting that it was your bullet that struck Danny then that means it was his bullet that struck you.\u00a0 So?\u00a0 Was he trying to kill you?\u201d<\/p>\n Little Joe attempted to hold back his anger over what his father had said.<\/p>\n \u201cDid Danny try and kill you?\u201d Ben reiterated, growing louder.<\/p>\n \u201cNo!\u00a0 Danny wasn\u2019t trying to kill me \u2013 he was my best friend!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWere YOU<\/strong> trying to kill Danny?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYou know I wouldn\u2019t do that \u2013 but it doesn\u2019t change the fact that I did, Pa!\u201d<\/p>\n Ben shook his head wearily and responded, \u201cJoseph, it doesn\u2019t matter which bullet hit either of you.\u00a0 Now there\u2019s a good chance that the bullet that Danny fired hit him and the one you fired hit you.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThere\u2019s just as much of a chance that I shot Danny with my gun, Pa!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThen that means that Danny shot you!\u00a0 If he had killed you would you want him to drink himself into an early grave?\u00a0 Would you want him to purposely hurt himself like you\u2019ve done by opening up that wound over and over again?\u201d<\/p>\n Joe frowned as he stared into his father\u2019s eyes, \u201cPa, I killed my best friend\u2014and I have to live with it.\u00a0 That\u2019s the end of the discussion.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cIf you let this destroy you then there\u2019ll be two fathers who are grieving, Joseph.\u00a0 You\u2019ve just got to let go of this, Son, \u2013 mourn for Danny \u2013 cry tears of grief but let it out.\u201d<\/p>\n Joe couldn\u2019t take Pa\u2019s penetrating gaze any longer.\u00a0 He finally broke free of his hold and hurriedly walked away.\u00a0 Ben stood there with heaviness in his heart as he watched his son climbing the stairs.\u00a0 He settled down into his chair and dropped his face into his hands, frustrated over his lack of progress in getting through to the boy.\u00a0 He prayed for the right words to say which would help Joseph before it was too late.<\/p>\n \u201cHey, Pa,\u201d Hoss called across the room as he came in the front door the next afternoon.\u00a0 \u201cFletcher sure isn\u2019t very happy with Joe.\u00a0 I heard him a little bit ago and he was giving the kid a piece of his mind.\u201d<\/p>\n Ben stood from his chair as Hoss made it over to the settee and sat down.\u00a0 \u201cWhat did he say?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWell, he told Joe to keep his hands off of his things and that the next time he catches the kid doing something like that he\u2019s going to steal Cochise and sell her,\u201d Hoss returned, fighting his grin.<\/p>\n Ben nodded to his son glad that the foreman hadn\u2019t let his youngest off the hook about his theft.\u00a0 \u201cGood.\u00a0 Knowing Fletcher he spoke his mind.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYou can say that again!\u201d Hoss exclaimed.\u00a0 \u201cJoe was just standing there with his mouth hanging open.\u00a0 Fletcher let him have it.\u00a0 One thing\u2019s for sure; he\u2019s not going after anything of Fletcher\u2019s again.\u00a0 I wouldn\u2019t put it past that man to follow through with his threat.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYes, I\u2019m pretty sure that your little brother won\u2019t be touching anything out in that bunkhouse ever again.\u00a0 Now if I could just figure out how to get Joseph to open up to me about Danny\u2019s death,\u201d Ben sighed and turned when the door opened again.<\/p>\n \u201cThe kid really got it by Fletcher, Pa,\u201d Adam smiled as he returned from a trip to Virginia City.\u00a0 \u201cI heard him trying to apologize when I rode up.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cIs he still going after Joseph?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYes, Sir — Joe keeps trying to alibi his way out of it and Fletcher keeps telling him to shut up and listen.\u201d<\/p>\n Hoss laughed and shook his head.\u00a0 \u201cI wonder if one of us ought to go out there and break it up, Pa?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNo,\u201d Ben replied adamantly.\u00a0 \u201cIt\u2019ll do him good.\u201d<\/p>\n Adam joined Hoss on the settee and stared over at his father.\u00a0 \u201cI still can\u2019t believe Joe thought it was okay to just take Fletcher\u2019s liquor.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cOh, he thought that since he left money in place of that pint it was okay,\u201d Hoss remarked after having listened to his little brother\u2019s earlier explanation.<\/p>\n \u201cWell, that\u2019s not cutting it with Fletcher,\u201d Adam laughed.<\/p>\n Ben cleared his throat to bring attention to the room.\u00a0 \u201cWhile your brother gets a good tongue lashing maybe we can figure out how to help him?\u00a0 I\u2019ve been trying to come up with something to say or do for the boy all morning, but I\u2019ve not figured out anything thus far.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019ve been thinking on it, Pa.\u00a0 Hoss, will you go out with me tomorrow to the spot where Joe and Danny were practicing their shooting?\u00a0 I just wanted to get a good look.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cSure I will— but why?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI don\u2019t know exactly \u2013 I know Roy already looked at the ledge where they had those bottles and cans stacked up.\u00a0 We know that the two of them got hit, but maybe if we examine the place a little better it might help determine how it happened?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cIt might prove Joseph\u2019s theory that he shot Danny, Son,\u201d Ben returned glumly.<\/p>\n \u201cIf it does, Pa, neither of us will say a thing about it,\u201d Hoss reassured.<\/p>\n \u201cI guess it won\u2019t hurt the situation any —,\u201d Ben trailed off when the front door opened and a very tired looking Joe walked inside.<\/p>\n \u201cHave a nice talk with Fletcher?\u201d Adam smiled over at his brother.<\/p>\n Joe frowned after hearing his brother\u2019s question and then headed for the stairs.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019m gonna go up to my room for a while,\u201d he called over his shoulder.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019ll be up in a few minutes to doctor that wound of yours, Joseph.\u201d<\/p>\n Little Joe didn\u2019t respond but continued his trek up to his room.<\/p>\n All three of the Cartwrights had heard Joe pacing his bedroom floor, never going to sleep for the second straight night.\u00a0 Pa had gone to talk to the boy but as usual hadn\u2019t been able to talk any sense into him.\u00a0 Ben had given Joe some minor chores to keep him occupied the next day as his other sons rode up to the scene of the accident.\u00a0 They returned late in the afternoon and told Pa what they had learned and plotted how to get Little Joe back up there the next day.<\/p>\n \u201cWhere did Hoss and Adam go, Pa?\u201d Joe asked as he tightened the saddle cinch on Cochise.<\/p>\n \u201cI think they had some errands in town, Joseph.\u00a0 Now mount up,\u201d Ben answered as he swung into the saddle.<\/p>\n \u201cYou never said where we\u2019re going.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThere\u2019s something I need to show you.\u00a0 Let\u2019s go.\u201d<\/p>\n Little Joe rode alongside his father wondering what the big mystery was all about.\u00a0 He hadn\u2019t felt like taking a ride as he was exhausted after two straight nights with no sleep.\u00a0 But Pa had been adamant about him riding out with him and Joe was too tired to protest.<\/p>\n Joe pulled back hard on his reins when he realized that they were just a quarter of a mile from where Danny had been killed.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m not going there, Pa!\u201d He shouted.<\/p>\n Ben reached over and touched his son\u2019s shoulder.\u00a0 \u201cJoseph, let\u2019s go.\u00a0 It\u2019s time, Boy.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNo!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI said let\u2019s go,\u201d Ben insisted sternly.<\/p>\n \u201cWhy?\u00a0 Why do you want to put me through this?\u201d He asked with hurt framing his words.<\/p>\n \u201cJoseph, your brothers have something to show you.\u00a0 I told you a necessary lie earlier, they\u2019re going to meet us up there.\u00a0 Now get going.\u201d<\/p>\n Joe fought his dread about seeing the spot where his best friend had fallen but Pa was not going to give up so he had to acquiesce.\u00a0 He reluctantly kicked at Cochise\u2019s sides and the two of them headed northward.<\/p>\n Hoss and Adam watched as their father and brother dismounted and tied their reins to a choke-cherry bush.<\/p>\n \u201cOver here, Pa,\u201d Adam sang out.\u00a0 He could read the uneasiness spreading across Joe\u2019s face as the two men approached.<\/p>\n \u201cWhat\u2019s this all about?\u201d Little Joe asked fighting his anger over the whole situation.\u00a0 All he wanted to do was to mount Cochise and ride away and never look back.<\/p>\n \u201cWell, Joe, I\u2019ve finally had a good look at this ledge and think we can determine where each bullet hit and the angles that they took,\u201d Adam explained.<\/p>\n \u201cThat won\u2019t prove anything!\u201d \u00a0Joe returned hotly.\u00a0 He still just wanted to jump on his horse and ride away.\u00a0 Joe stared at the spot where his best friend had drawn his last breath, and it sent a sharp pain into his heart.<\/p>\n \u201cJoe,\u201d Adam replied softly and touched his brother\u2019s arm.\u00a0 \u201cIt\u2019s worth learning the truth, isn\u2019t it?\u00a0 No matter who shot who we\u2019ll finally determine it if you\u2019ll just listen to me.\u201d<\/p>\n Little Joe dropped his head down and muttered, \u201cI know that I killed Danny, Adam.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cPa \u2013 you and Joe need to line up over here.\u00a0 Joe, you show us exactly where you and Danny were standing,\u201d Hoss jumped in and tried to help the tenseness that hung in the air.<\/p>\n \u201cJoseph?\u201d Ben asked, raising his eyebrows.\u00a0 \u201cShow me where to stand, I\u2019ll take Danny\u2019s place.\u201d<\/p>\n Drawing in a deep breath filled with remorse, Joe walked over to where he remembered that the two of them shot from on that fateful day.\u00a0 \u201cI was here,\u201d Joe pointed to the ground.\u00a0 \u201cAnd Danny was standing about two feet off to my left.\u201d<\/p>\n Ben moved over to where his youngest had pointed and stood.<\/p>\n \u201cOkay, Pa \u2013 since you\u2019re about two inches taller than Danny, when you pull your gun just drop it down about that much,\u201d Adam instructed.<\/p>\n \u201cLet\u2019s get the shells out of our guns, Joseph,\u201d Ben said and pulled the Colt out of his holster.\u00a0 He shucked the six bullets, placing them inside his shirt pocket.\u00a0 He stared over at Joe.<\/p>\n \u201cJoseph?\u201d Ben called when the boy had yet to disarm his weapon.<\/p>\n \u201cI don\u2019t need to,\u201d Joe whispered.<\/p>\n Confusion spread across the faces of Adam, Hoss, and Ben.<\/p>\n \u201cWhat do you mean?\u201d Pa continued.<\/p>\n \u201cIt\u2019s not loaded.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhy, Joseph?\u201d<\/p>\n Joe simply shrugged his shoulders and looked down at the ground.<\/p>\n \u201cBoys, we\u2019ll be back in a minute.\u00a0 Come along, Joseph,\u201d Ben said and pulled the boy along with him.\u00a0 They ended up there next to their horses.<\/p>\n \u201cJoseph, are you running around with an empty gun?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI don\u2019t want to talk about it.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cHow long?\u00a0 How long have you been running around with an empty gun?\u201d Pa continued.<\/p>\n \u201cSince Danny,\u201d Joe confessed sullenly.<\/p>\n \u201cAnd your rifle?\u201d Pa asked looking over to where the boy\u2019s other weapon sat in the scabbard.<\/p>\n \u201cIt\u2019s empty too,\u201d Joe answered quietly.<\/p>\n Ben drew in a deep breath unsure as to what he should do about the present situation.\u00a0 \u201cYou and I are going to have a long talk about this when we get home, Son.\u00a0 It\u2019s dangerous to ride around this ranch and into town without being able to defend yourself.\u00a0 You could run into someone who means you harm or even an animal that charges at you —- Joseph \u2013 it\u2019s why I gave you that gun to begin with.\u201d\u00a0 Ben had to put aside his increasing worry so they could get back to uncovering the truth about the death of Danny.\u00a0 He sighed and draped an arm around his son\u2019s shoulder and called down to him, \u201cNow, let\u2019s go back and see what Adam can come up with.\u201d Ben had to let go of the current worry over his son\u2019s safety so they could hopefully determine the path of the two bullets.\u00a0 He steered his youngest back to where they had been standing earlier.<\/p>\n \u201cWe\u2019re ready, Adam, what now?\u201d Ben asked.<\/p>\n \u201cJoe?\u00a0 Are you both about where you and Danny were?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cOkay \u2013 well both of you unholster your weapons.\u00a0 Joe, go ahead and aim like you did that day when the two of you shot and just hold your gun out.\u201d<\/p>\n Joe frowned but did as he had been instructed.\u00a0 \u201cHow\u2019s this going to prove anything? I drew quick \u2013 and I guess Danny did too.\u00a0 We\u2019d been practicing our fast draw \u2013 and neither of us had much time to aim.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cHoss, get those lariats, will you?\u201d Adam called over to his brother.<\/p>\n Hoss had prepared two sets of rope, knotting two together for both Joe and Pa.\u00a0 He carried them over to Adam and held them out.<\/p>\n \u201cOkay, when I was in college, I had to take trigonometry and that\u2019s the study of angles, Joe.\u00a0 If we line up the two places where those bullets hit and ricocheted back at the two of you, we ought to be able to see which bullet from which gun hit you and Danny.\u201d Adam pointed to where he and Hoss had found the two holes in the rock ledge the previous day.\u00a0 \u201cHoss, I\u2019ll hold the end here next to this first hole, and you go and take the first lariat over to where Pa\u2019s gun is.\u201d<\/p>\n Hoss gathered the rope and straightened it out, so it was taunt.\u00a0 He walked in a straight line over to his father and held the end up to Pa\u2019s Colt.<\/p>\n Adam held the other end of the lariat and eyed the path going back towards Ben.\u00a0 \u201cDrop the gun down about two inches, Pa.\u201d<\/p>\n Ben held onto his Colt as Hoss placed the end of the rope against the barrel.<\/p>\n \u201cIf this was the hole that was caused by Danny\u2019s shot then we\u2019re going to assume that he hit you, Little Joe.\u00a0 So, Pa you keep a hold of that rope at the end of your gun while I help string the other lariat over to Joe.\u201d\u00a0 Adam unwound the second lariat and held it up against the original hole in the rock ledge as Hoss came back to him.\u00a0 \u201cNow take this one and move it to Joe\u2019s right side where he got hit, Hoss.\u201d<\/p>\n Standing there rigidly as Hoss approached Joe waited to see what, if anything, Adam\u2019s test proved or disproved.\u00a0 Hoss touched the end of the rope to his little brother\u2019s right side dead center to where his bandage was underneath his shirt.<\/p>\n \u201cHow\u2019s that, Adam?\u201d Hoss sang out.<\/p>\n Inspecting the angle Adam replied, \u201cYes, that\u2019s got it, Hoss.\u00a0 I\u2019d say that bullet couldn\u2019t have hit you, Joe.\u00a0 It would\u2019ve careened off way past you.\u00a0 Just look at the slack in the rope.\u00a0 Hoss tighten it so we can all see better!\u201d<\/p>\n Hoss did as his brother had said and there wasn\u2019t any way that he could hold it straight enough so that it would have hit Joe anywhere near his wound or the right side of his body.<\/p>\n \u201cWhat\u2019s that prove?\u201d Joe called over to Adam, still not convinced.\u00a0 \u201cWhat if Danny\u2019s bullet hit that other hole there?\u201d Joe pointed to the hole to the right of the one where his brother held the far end of the lariat.<\/p>\n \u201cOkay, I\u2019ll show you.\u00a0 Hoss bring that rope back here and we\u2019ll move everything.\u201d<\/p>\n Again, Adam lined up another hole and had Hoss walk back to Pa and hold one end up to the barrel of his gun.\u00a0 Ben held it in place once again.\u00a0 He then took the second lariat and had Hoss move it over to where Joe stood.<\/p>\n \u201cIt ain\u2019t even close,\u201d Hoss announced.\u00a0 \u201cI don\u2019t see any way that bullet could have come near to Joe if Danny shot that, Adam,\u201d Hoss nodded over to him.<\/p>\n \u201cOkay, now let\u2019s use the two ropes and line them up with the end of Little Joe\u2019s gun, Hoss.\u201d<\/p>\n The experiment was re-sited and Adam held the one end in the first bullet hole in the ledge as Hoss straightened it out and eased over to Joe.<\/p>\n \u201cOkay, Joe if you shot the hole to the left then we\u2019ll show you where it would\u2019ve hit.\u00a0 Hoss come take this lariat and move it towards Pa.\u201d<\/p>\n Hoss stretched the rope and brought it to his father.\u00a0 The rope sagged and wouldn\u2019t go into a straight line no matter how many times he tried.\u00a0 All the while Joe watched.<\/p>\n \u201cJoe, there\u2019s just no way from the angle that\u2019s created by your gun with your height where you\u2019re standing that you hit this hole here,\u201d Adam announced and pointed to the hole on the left. \u00a0\u201cNow we\u2019ll try the one on the right, Hoss.\u00a0 Drag the rope back here and let\u2019s do it all again.<\/p>\n Hoss repeated the experiment as they sited the hole on the right and lined it up to the barrel of Joe\u2019s gun.\u00a0 Then, as Adam held the second rope, Hoss brought it over to his little brother\u2019s wound and it was a perfect match.<\/p>\n \u201cJoe, you hit this one on the right, look at the angle!\u201d Adam called over.<\/p>\n Joe stared down at the lariat and wondered if his brothers might be pulling a fast one on him to get him to give up on the fact that he had killed his best friend.\u00a0 \u201cSo, you\u2019re saying I hit that hole in the wall on the right?\u00a0 Then prove to me that Danny hit the other one!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cHoss — -go ahead and bring that rope back here and we\u2019ll line the hole on the left up with Pa\u2019s gun barrel.\u201d<\/p>\n Hoss assisted Adam once again and they lined both the first and second rope up using Pa\u2019s gun as an example.\u00a0 When the second rope was in place it made a direct line to Pa\u2019s chest, just two inches higher than where Danny had been struck.<\/p>\n \u201cSee there, Joe?\u00a0 Pa is taller than Danny and if Hoss drops that rope down \u2013 hey \u2013 Hoss go ahead and do it.\u201d<\/p>\n Hoss placed the rope right where Danny would have stood two inches shorter than his father.\u00a0 It was a match.<\/p>\n \u201cSee, Joe?\u00a0 Danny hit this hole on the left and the bullet ricocheted back and got him.\u00a0 You hit the hole on the right, and it just struck at a different angle, which was why it didn\u2019t hit your chest like Danny\u2019s did.\u00a0 It hit your side due to the hole in the wall being a bit lower and striking differently.\u201d<\/p>\n Ben stared over at his youngest and called to him softly, \u201cYour brother is right, Joseph.\u201d<\/p>\n Joe drew in a deep breath, wanting to believe that it was all true to relieve him of his guilt.\u00a0 \u201cHow accurate is this stuff, Adam?\u201d<\/p>\n Adam pulled himself to standing and approached his youngest brother.\u00a0 \u201cWell, there\u2019s rarely an experiment that proves to be one hundred per cent accurate, Kid.\u00a0 But I\u2019d say that we proved it by at least ninety-nine per cent that your bullet struck you in the side and Danny\u2019s bullet hit him in the chest.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNinety-nine?\u201d Joe asked quietly, taking it all in and processing the information.<\/p>\n \u201cThat one per cent is where your faith comes in, Son,\u201d Ben smiled down to his youngest.<\/p>\n Joe drew in another deep breath and replied, \u201cAdam \u2013 Hoss \u2013 Pa \u2013 thanks \u2013 I appreciate it.\u00a0 I \u2013 well I need to be by myself for a little while.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cJoseph?\u00a0 I\u2019m not letting you run off until you put these inside your gun,\u201d Pa announced sternly and withdrew the shells he had placed inside his shirt pocket earlier.\u00a0 He held them out to Joe.<\/p>\n Joe nodded and accepted the cartridges.\u00a0 One by one he placed them inside of his Colt.\u00a0 \u201cI won\u2019t be long, Pa \u2013 just need to go think,\u201d Joe offered as he turned to get his horse.<\/p>\n The three Cartwrights watched as Joe headed away from them, each hoping that they had gotten through to the boy and relieved him of his guilt over his friend\u2019s death.<\/p>\n When dinner came and went but there was no sign of Joe\u2019s return everyone was worried.\u00a0 Pa had decided to go out and try to find his son when the door opened and he suddenly reappeared.<\/p>\n \u201cSorry I was late,\u201d Joe apologized, settling his gun and hat down onto the credenza.<\/p>\n \u201cAre you okay?\u201d Pa asked as he drew near and inspected his son\u2019s face.\u00a0 There were no signs of any tears having been spent like he had hoped.\u00a0 Ben knew that Joe had held in his grief for three straight months and he figured that now that the boy knew the truth about the shooting that he\u2019d finally let go.\u00a0 But apparently that hadn\u2019t happened.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m okay, Pa.\u00a0 I think I\u2019ll just turn in.\u00a0 Thanks again \u2013 all of you,\u201d Little Joe called over to his brothers who were gathered around the fireplace.<\/p>\n \u201cHope you can sleep tonight, Little Brother,\u201d Hoss said as he watched the boy heading to the stairs.<\/p>\n \u201cYeah, Kid, get some sleep it\u2019s been a couple of days,\u201d Adam offered his thoughts.<\/p>\n \u201cGood night,\u201d Joe answered and made his way to his room.<\/p>\n \u201cWhat do you think, Pa?\u201d Hoss asked, concern still written all over his face.<\/p>\n Ben shrugged his shoulders and sighed.\u00a0 \u201cI don\u2019t know, Son\u2014I think Joe\u2019s still trying to process everything.\u00a0 I sure hope he\u2019ll get some shut eye he sure needs it.\u201d<\/p>\n Both Adam and Hoss followed their father\u2019s concerned gaze as it trekked up to where Joe had disappeared up the staircase.<\/p>\n As I entered my son\u2019s bedroom, I wondered just how I would be received by my youngest.\u00a0 It was only after he turned in the bed and glanced my way that I could tell from his gaze what he was both thinking and feeling at that moment.\u00a0 All I could see in his eyes was grief, guilt, self-loathing and pain that was so deep that it was laying bare his very soul.\u00a0 Joseph was having a hard time coming to terms with all that he had heard that day.\u00a0 It was almost as though he was afraid to let go of being the one responsible for having killed Danny even though his brothers had proven that the bullet that took his life hadn\u2019t been Joe\u2019s.\u00a0 He was in a deep state of grief, and it had come on him hard that day.\u00a0\u00a0 After holding back any display of emotion for three straight months, he was due.<\/p>\n Now, just as I would have done when Joseph was ten years old and had gotten his heart broken or had been in trouble at school, I neared his bed in total silence.<\/p>\n There wasn\u2019t a need for a stern lecture or for me to spout some kind of sage wisdom or the like.\u00a0 None of that would help the current situation and, quite the contrary, would make everything far worse.\u00a0 I knew that my son needed sleep, something which had evaded him ever since I removed his access to liquor.\u00a0 Joe had been dulling his senses with alcohol for most of the time since Danny\u2019s death.\u00a0 Since then, night after night, he had paced the floor in his room fighting the memory of all that had happened the day that his best friend died.\u00a0 There was only one thing that I knew to do to get my son to fall to sleep.<\/p>\n As I eased down onto the side of the bed and stretched out, leaning back against the headboard, I simply held out my arms.\u00a0 Joseph knew the meaning of my gesture and, hesitating at first, his eyes showed the flicker of remembrance in them.\u00a0 I could tell that the desire to be comforted by his father was what his heart secretly had longed for as my son turned on the bed and slowly found his way into my embrace.\u00a0 I wrapped him tightly in my arms and waited.\u00a0 Minutes later, his muffled cries reverberated against my chest.\u00a0 They had been far too long in coming.\u00a0 I didn\u2019t need to give Joseph permission to get it all out, he just knew that it was safe to do so there in my presence.\u00a0 That\u2019s how it\u2019s always been between the two of us.\u00a0 My son realized that it was finally time to vent out his sorrow in the only way that he could.\u00a0 He knew that his pa understood him and the complexity of his temperament.\u00a0 Foremost, Joseph knew that I loved him with all my heart so that whenever he hurt, I hurt, and just as deeply.\u00a0 When he couldn\u2019t express how he felt in words it didn\u2019t matter.\u00a0 I already knew what he would have said anyway.\u00a0 My boy understood there wasn\u2019t anything he couldn\u2019t share with me, both good and bad.\u00a0 He trusted me, always had.\u00a0 Joseph had turned to me, and I cherished the fact that with that trust came the knowledge that I\u2019d keep his secrets, like the fact that under his false bravado was an insecure young man whose heart was easily injured.\u00a0 Under that quick smile and quirky laugh was a very sensitive soul, one that he hid from everyone; everyone but me.\u00a0 I softly ran my hand over the back of his head, my fingers combing through the thick brown curls just as I had always done ever since he was a little boy.\u00a0 I knew he\u2019d draw comfort from the familiar feel of my caress and that the touch would eventually lull him to sleep.\u00a0 Though he\u2019d still have to fight through grief and pain perhaps for weeks or months to come, at least this night he had surrendered it all over to his Pa so he could have a brief respite from both emotions allowing him to get some sleep.\u00a0 When his body went lax there in my arms and I felt the warm even breaths against my neck, I carefully reached for the lamp on the nightstand and drew the wick down low.\u00a0 It was then that I whispered, \u201cYour Pa\u2019s got you, Joseph, rest now,\u201d and closed my eyes.\u00a0 I fell to sleep still holding my son in my arms refusing to allow the pain to take hold of him as long as I was there.\u00a0 I knew that in the morning I would no longer have complete control over what happened as far as Joseph\u2019s grief and pain were concerned.\u00a0\u00a0 However, tonight I was in control<\/em><\/strong>, and neither grief nor pain would ever be able to penetrate my resolve to protect my son nor remove him from my loving embrace.<\/p>\n Epilogue:<\/p>\n After having found patience and loving kindness in the comforting arms of his father, Little Joe slowly began to heal over the loss of his best friend.\u00a0 His wound healed as well and after two weeks Doctor Martin was relieved to see Joe had been taking care of it and his side was almost completely well again.\u00a0 There were still times when Joe had trouble sleeping but had turned to Pa those nights and he would do whatever he could to help his son.\u00a0 Hoss and Adam helped too, always being supportive of their little brother and trying their best to help him through his grief.<\/p>\n Piece by piece Joe\u2019s heart healed from his loss and though he\u2019d always miss Danny, he knew that he had to go on with his life.\u00a0 Hugh Collins had come back to his ranch along with his son Matt and daughter-in- law Mary Ann.\u00a0 Along with the two of them came Hugh\u2019s first grandchild, Danny, and the baby had been a comfort to the man.\u00a0 All the Cartwrights were present when the baby had been christened by their local pastor, Philip Hastings.\u00a0 Afterwards Joe had been pulled aside by Hugh, and the man told him that he wanted the boy to remember Danny\u2019s life and not how he had died.\u00a0 Little Joe promised Hugh that he would try his best and thanked him for the chance to hold the baby after the service.\u00a0 With his son now returning to the ranch along with his wife and baby, Hugh reminded Little Joe that he expected him to come visit them all just as Danny would have wanted.\u00a0 Smiling and shaking Hugh\u2019s hand Joe assured him that he would do just that.<\/p>\n On the fourth month anniversary of Danny\u2019s death Little Joe had made a somber visit to his friend\u2019s grave.\u00a0 He didn\u2019t bring a whiskey bottle as he had so many times in the past and simply placed a handful of wildflowers there next to the headstone.<\/p>\n \u201cI wish you could see your nephew, Danny, he\u2019s really something,\u201d Joe whispered as he knelt there at the graveside.\u00a0 \u201cI miss you, Danny \u2013 you\u2019ll always be my best friend \u2013 and I\u2019ll miss all the things we used to do together.\u00a0 Little Joe mopped his eyes as the tears continued to roll down his cheeks.\u00a0 \u201cIt hurts to say goodbye to you \u2013 but I know that I have to, Danny.\u00a0 It’s never going to be the same without you at my side.\u201d<\/p>\n Little Joe turned when he heard the quiet footsteps coming from behind him.\u00a0 He looked up to see his father standing there.<\/p>\n \u201cOh, Pa \u2013 I\u2019ve just said my final goodbye to Danny \u2013 but –,\u201d Joe trailed off as he attempted to wipe the tears from his face.\u00a0 \u201cPa \u2013 he was my best friend.\u00a0 He always made me feel better about myself \u2013 you know?\u00a0 Pa \u2013 Pa I\u2019m afraid \u2013 afraid that I\u2019ll never find anyone who\u2019ll understand me like Danny did.\u00a0 I mean\u2014where am I ever gonna find someone who\u2019s going to root me on like he did?\u00a0 Where am I ever gonna find someone who will listen to my lame stories and my stupid jokes?\u201d<\/p>\n Ben offered his son a patient smile and reached a hand down to pull the boy to standing.\u00a0 Little Joe looked into his father\u2019s eyes and read the concern in them.<\/p>\n Reaching over Pa placed his right hand on his son\u2019s cheek and answered, \u201cOh, Joseph, you said that you\u2019re afraid that no one will appreciate you like Danny did?\u00a0 Well, if you just look past your fear — you\u2019ll see me standing right here.\u00a0 You asked who\u2019s going to root you on \u2013 listen to your lame stories and stupid jokes?\u201d He paused and grinned over to the boy and then stated adamantly, \u201cI will.\u201d<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n Joe wrapped his arms around his father as Pa pulled him to his chest.\u00a0 \u201cThat\u2019s not fair, Pa,\u201d Joe choked out.\u00a0 \u201cYou always have.\u201d<\/p>\n Ben nodded and patted his son on the back.\u00a0 \u201cThat\u2019s right \u2013 and I always will.\u00a0 C\u2019mon, Joseph, let\u2019s go home.\u201d<\/p>\n Little Joe wrapped an arm around his father\u2019s waist as they walked together to their horses.<\/p>\n *** If you just look past your fear, you\u2019ll see me standing right here. Ask me I\u2019ll be there whenever you fall, to do anything, everything, nothing at all.\u00a0 I\u2019ll move any mountain that keeps you from me, I\u2019ll change rearrange, disappear in your dreams.\u00a0 Please don\u2019t ask me to let go or make me give up, cause I love you that much.\u00a0 And it\u2019ll kill me, but I will. ***<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n The End<\/strong><\/p>\n Written by: Wrangler<\/p>\n 1\/8\/2026\u00a0 \u00a0***Feedback is not required but is always appreciated.\u00a0 Thank you for reading! ***<\/p>\n (Dedicated to Rob the story consultant for his continued patience.\u00a0 And, to my dear friend Michael who sadly passed away today.\u00a0 Mike, you’ll never be forgotten.)<\/p>\n \u00a0<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Summary: Little Joe is consumed with guilt when his best friend is accidently shot and killed. Unable to forgive himself, Joe heads down a dangerous self-destructive path.
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\nRating T, WC 21,861<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":140,"featured_media":61592,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"template-full-width-post.php","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_members_access_role":[],"_members_access_error":""},"categories":[1015,23,1008,41],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-61512","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-joe-pa","category-drama","category-family","category-hurtcomfort","wpcat-1015-id","wpcat-23-id","wpcat-1008-id","wpcat-41-id"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/01\/Screenshot_20260102_063004_YouTube-1.jpg?fit=1427%2C1080&ssl=1","jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/61512","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/140"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=61512"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/61512\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/61592"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=61512"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=61512"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=61512"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}