Summary:\u00a0 A tongue in cheek story of what our favorite family might make of a modern-day purchase.\u00a0 Inspired by a fun day spent assembling flatpack furniture.\u00a0 We imagined what the boys would have made of the less than explicit instructions.
\nRating:\u00a0 G\u00a0 (3,150 words)<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
The Flatpack!<\/strong><\/p>\n <\/p>\n Author’s Note:\u00a0 This story was a combined effort by Pat Hirst and Vicki Christian<\/em><\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cHey, Hoss, gotta delivery for Adam.\u201d\u00a0 Rafe Johnson called as he pulled into the Ponderosa\u2019s front yard.<\/p>\n Hoss wiped his hands on a piece of rag which was far dirtier than his hands and then rubbed them down his pants legs.\u00a0 \u201cMornin\u2019 Rafe.\u00a0 What\u2019s Adam been a orderin\u2019.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cDoan\u2019 know but it says 4 packages for Adam Cartwright, Ponderosa Ranch, Virginia City.\u00a0 My here job is to deliver packages not info\u2019mation.\u00a0 There\u2019s $5 to pay.\u201d<\/p>\n Hoss sniffed and then held out his hand for the piece of paper and pencil, Rafe was thrusting at him.\u00a0 \u201cAdam\u2019s up in the north pasture, branding, won\u2019t be back \u2018til supper.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWell, I ain\u2019t got time to wait.\u00a0 You gonna pay the $5 or not.\u201d\u00a0 Rafe grumbled.<\/p>\n Hoss sighed and reached into his pocket and withdrew five rather grubby dollar bills.\u00a0 \u201cHere you go, Rafe, tho\u2019 I says Adam should be payin\u2019, they\u2019s his packages.\u201d<\/p>\n Rafe took the money and the sheet which Hoss had now signed.\u00a0 He unloaded 4 boxes and dumped them unceremoniously and with an ominous bang on to the front porch.<\/p>\n Hoss waited until Rafe and his wagon moved off then he examined the boxes.\u00a0 One about two foot square and very heavy, one slightly smaller but no less weighty, one smaller still and a bit lighter and one very large one maybe four foot by 3 foot and fairly flat.\u00a0 This was the heaviest of all.\u00a0 Hoss lifted all of them without effort and carried them one at a time into the living room and set them down behind the sofa.\u00a0 The biggest one said \u201cdesk flatpack\u201d and had a picture of a flimsy looking cupboard.\u00a0 The others had pictures of things Hoss didn\u2019t recognize, a square box, another box with what looked like a lid, and a yet another box with buttons on the front.<\/p>\n Hoss shrugged, Adam was always buying strange things, so he ignored the boxes and went back to shoeing his horse.\u00a0 Indeed he completely forgot about them, that was until Pa came home.<\/p>\n \u201cHOSS, HOSS,\u201d Ben yelled from the front porch.<\/p>\n Hoss came out of the barn at his father\u2019s yell and as he approached he noticed Pa was rubbing his right leg rather vigorously.<\/p>\n \u201cYeah, Pa.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhat in tarnation are all those boxes.\u00a0 I darn near broke my neck.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cSorry, Pa.\u00a0 Somethin\u2019 come for Adam.\u00a0 Looks like a cupboard and such.\u201d\u00a0 Hoss threw his hands wide as if that explained everything.<\/p>\n \u201cTable\u2026, table, what would your brother want with another cupboard, we\u2019ve got plenty of furniture and you can\u2019t get into his room for bookshelves and desks.\u201d<\/p>\n Hoss shrugged, \u201cAin\u2019t no tellin\u2019what Adam\u2019s up to.\u00a0 He keeps things close to his vest, you know that.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cHmph\u2026 he better have a good explanation.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cHe will, Pa.\u00a0 Adam always has his reasons.\u00a0 He\u2019ll be home directly and he\u2019ll tell us.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Adam rode in with Joe just before supper and was pounced on by Hoss, in the barn, before he had put up his horse.<\/p>\n \u201cYou owes me $5.\u201d\u00a0 Hoss stated.\u00a0 Feet braced, ready for an argument.<\/p>\n \u201cEvenin\u2019 to you too.\u201d\u00a0 Adam replied sarcastically.\u00a0 \u201cNow why, exactly, am I in your debt to the princely sum of $5?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cPackages.\u201d\u00a0 Hoss said.\u00a0 \u201cPackages, what Rafe delivered this afternoon.\u00a0 Four of \u2018em.\u201d<\/p>\n Joe who had been quietly brushing Cochise, looked up with interest.\u00a0 \u201cWhat you bought, Adam?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cIt\u2019s a cupboard and some square boxes.\u201d\u00a0 Hoss spoke before Adam had a chance to.\u00a0 \u201cPa says what do you want with more furniture anyhow?\u00a0 He\u2019s mad atcha.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cIt\u2019s a desk and why is Pa mad at me, I haven\u2019t been here all day?\u201d\u00a0 Adam queried while filling Sport\u2019s feedbag.<\/p>\n \u201c\u2019Cos he fell over the boxes.\u201d\u00a0 Hoss explained.<\/p>\n \u201cWhaddya want another desk for, Adam, you got one already?\u201d\u00a0 Joe joined in.<\/p>\n Adam closed his eyes and gathered his patience together in one big parcel, he was going to need it with these brothers.\u00a0 \u201cI cannot be responsible for where packages were placed when I was not here.\u00a0 Pa should look where he\u2019s going.\u201d<\/p>\n Joe cackled, \u201cYou gonna tell him that?\u201d<\/p>\n Adam ignored his little brother and turned back to Hoss.\u00a0 He fished in his vest pocket and extracted a folded, clean, five dollar bill.\u00a0 \u201cHere\u2019s your money and why I want a desk or what I do with it is my business but if you must know it\u2019s for a new piece of ranch equipment.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cEquipment?\u201d\u00a0 Hoss\u2019s eyebrows raised, envisaging scythes, rakes, saws, axes etc, none of which required a desk or even much of a table.<\/p>\n \u201cYes, equipment to help Pa do his accounts and write his letters and such.\u201d\u00a0 Adam finished his chores and rubbed his hands together, \u201cNow, if you will excuse me I will go and take a look at my new purchases.\u201d<\/p>\n He headed for the house leaving a mystified Hoss and Joe in the barn.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Adam refused to be drawn on the contents of his mysterious packages until after supper.\u00a0 He then unpacked them carefully while his father and brothers watched in amazement.\u00a0 Package number one contained a squareish gray colored box, which Adam called a monitor, number two had more gray items, one very heavy with slots and buttons and one long and flat with letters on tiny buttons, Adam said these were a base unit and a keyboard, the third gray item was again square with more slots and buttons.\u00a0 Adam said this was a printer.<\/p>\n \u201cDon\u2019t look like them printing presses Dan\u2019s got at the Enterprise.\u201d\u00a0 Hoss observed.<\/p>\n \u201cYeah, where do you put the type?\u201d Joe asked lifting a lid which exposed two small black boxes on a metal track.<\/p>\n Adam\u2019s hand came down on his brother\u2019s, \u201cLeave it alone,\u201d he growled.<\/p>\n The final large package contained pieces of what looked liked wood but on closer inspection weren\u2019t of any wood the boys had seen before.<\/p>\n \u201cWe got better timber than that right here on the Ponderosa.\u201d\u00a0 Joe grumbled.<\/p>\n Ben leaned over and picked up a piece that looked like a shelf and examined it closely, \u201cIt\u2019s not wood at all, just sawdust compressed and then this coating put on it.\u00a0 We could do better from our own sawmills.\u201d<\/p>\n Adam, irritated, took the piece from his father.\u00a0 \u201cI need to read the instructions first, it\u2019s supposed to be easy for two people to put together.\u201d<\/p>\n Ben sat down in his red leather chair and shook his head, he was staying out of this.<\/p>\n Adam glanced up at his brothers, not a great deal to choose from.\u00a0 \u201cHoss, you can give me a hand.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cHey, what about me?\u201d\u00a0 Joe whined.<\/p>\n Adam frowned, \u201cWell\u2026 alright, but only if you do exactly as I say.\u201d<\/p>\n Ben hid a smile, that would be a first<\/em>, he thought.<\/p>\n Adam held up the instructions, \u201cSee when it\u2019s done it looks like this.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cEasy as pie,\u201d Joe announced, \u201cIt\u2019s just a cupboard.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cAh, but it has shelves and a sliding piece inside for the keyboard.\u201d\u00a0 Adam explained.<\/p>\n Hoss looked at Joe and shrugged.<\/p>\n \u201cNow we layout all the pieces, there should be twelve, and fifteen packs of fittings.\u201d<\/p>\n Hoss had already started examining the pieces, \u201cThey all got numbers on \u2018em and the packets have got letters.\u00a0 Should be easy.\u201d<\/p>\n Joe had several pieces leaning against each other already, \u201cSee this piece goes here, you can see and this bit is the bottom and this is the top.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWait, Joe, we have to follow the instructions.\u201d\u00a0 Adam began to read, \u201cInsert 2 pieces, cam A into right side panel 1 and adjust the arrow on cam to point upwards.\u201d<\/p>\n Hoss jingled two small pieces of metal in his hand, \u201cThese are A, doan know what a cam is but they got A on the packet.\u00a0 Cain\u2019t see no arrow though.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI got side 1,\u201d Joe waved a fairly large piece of wood around and it\u2019s got two little holes just that size.\u201d<\/p>\n Before Adam could stop them the two were pressing the pieces of metal into the holes.<\/p>\n \u201cWe done that, Adam, what\u2019s next?\u201d\u00a0 Hoss asked.<\/p>\n \u201cAre the arrows pointing upwards?\u201d\u00a0 Adam tried to see but with a large brother in the way it wasn\u2019t easy.<\/p>\n \u201cI done toldya, I cain\u2019t see no arrows.\u201d\u00a0 Hoss complained.<\/p>\n Joe peered at the metal, that\u2019s an arrow, look that itty bitty thing there, we got to turn \u2018em around.\u00a0 What\u2019s next then?\u201d<\/p>\n Adam went back to his instructions and continued to read out each stage and tried to supervise his brothers.\u00a0 Even though Hoss and Joe jumped ahead and did things that weren\u2019t on the instructions or that came later, things went reasonably well until it came to assembling the bigger pieces.<\/p>\n \u201cYou got that in the wrong hole, Joe,\u201d Hoss complained, \u201cIt\u2019s gotta go here look see on the pichure,\u201d he wrenched the instructions from Adam and pointed at a diagram.<\/p>\n \u201cWe ain\u2019t gotta bit that looks like that, we got holes on the other side.\u201d\u00a0 Joe grumbled.\u00a0 \u201cYou put it on backwards.\u201d<\/p>\n Adam sighed and yanked the instructions out of Hoss\u2019s hands and glared at them both, \u201cIf you\u2019d just listen then we wouldn\u2019t have it backwards.\u201d<\/p>\n Hoss went to lift the desk up and the top came off.\u00a0 \u201cJoe, you didn\u2019t turn them things so the arrows moved.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThey are locking nuts,\u201d Adam explained.\u00a0 \u201cThey have to be the right way to hold the screws.<\/p>\n \u201cThen you turn \u2018em.\u201d\u00a0 Joe said, in disgust.<\/p>\n Adam did as Joe suggested with a furious glance at his brother and then went back to the instructions.\u00a0 \u201cAttach the keyboard panel 5 to the unit by using four screws.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhich screws?\u201d\u00a0 Hoss asked holding out a handful of screws in varying sizes.<\/p>\n Adam consulted his instructions, \u201cIt doesn\u2019t say.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cHow\u2019m I supposed to know then?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cUse your common sense.\u201d Adam snapped back.<\/p>\n \u201c\u2019Cording to you I ain\u2019t got none.\u201d\u00a0 Hoss growled, standing up and towering over his older brother who was squatting by the partly completed desk.<\/p>\n \u201cBoys, lets have less arguing.\u00a0 If you can\u2019t work together and be pleasant then stop.\u201d Ben intervened, but Hoss and Adam continued to glare at each other so he went back to his book with a shake of his head.<\/p>\n Joe ignored his battling brothers and picked out four screws, \u201cUse these, they look the right length.\u201d\u00a0 He began fixing them in place.\u00a0 \u201cHey it slides in and out, neat!\u201d<\/p>\n Adam and Hoss forgot their squabble and each felt it necessary to test the new shelf.<\/p>\n \u201cNow you need to turn it upside down and fit the side bits on to the top.\u201d\u00a0 Adam read out.\u00a0 \u201cTake it easy, Joe.\u00a0 Don\u2019t break the bit we\u2019ve done.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cHere you do it.\u201d\u00a0 Joe let go of his end, and it dropped on to the top and by some miracle slotted into the holes just right.<\/p>\n \u201cJoe!\u201d\u00a0 Adam shouted.<\/p>\n Hoss lifted the whole thing on his own and slowly lowered it so that the slots lined up with the screws and the top fitted perfectly.<\/p>\n They added a shelf and then Hoss turned it upside down and Joe fitted the feet, since this was just a matter of pressing them into holes where they snapped in place there was no argument, until two of them refused to snap on.<\/p>\n \u201cHere, let me do it,\u201d\u00a0 Hoss suggested and using far more pressure than was necessary he forced the feet into the holes.\u00a0 He also tapped the tiny nails into the back panel and fitted it easily.\u00a0 One tap from a hammer in his fist and the nail went home.\u00a0 \u201cHey, why is the back in two pieces with a gap in the middle?\u201d He asked.<\/p>\n Adam shrugged, \u201cI think it\u2019s for the wires.\u201d<\/p>\n Joe raised an eyebrow and thought what wires?<\/em> But kept his opinion to himself.<\/p>\n Finally they had to attach the doors.\u00a0 At the first attempt Hoss screwed the hinge on the wrong way around and had to take it off again.<\/p>\n \u201cC\u2019mon, Hoss, it\u2019s obvious they go this way.\u201d\u00a0 Adam complained.<\/p>\n \u201cAin\u2019t obvious to me.\u00a0 I ain\u2019t never seen no hinges like these.\u201d\u00a0 Hoss rejoined.<\/p>\n \u201cThey make the doors close inside the frame of the box instead of outside, it\u2019s neater.\u201d\u00a0 Adam twisted one in his hands, \u201cGood piece of engineering, I\u2019ve not seen hinges like this either but they work real well.\u201d<\/p>\n Hinges in place on the door, it was necessary for two of them to work together to fit the other side and make sure the door hung level and closed smoothly.\u00a0 There was a lot of exclaiming under their breath which made Ben raise his eyebrows a time or two but finally Hoss and Adam had the doors fitted as they wanted, or as Adam wanted anyway.<\/p>\n Joe held the final piece in his hand, \u201cHey it\u2019s a magnet,\u201d he said, as the two remaining screws attached themselves to it when he moved it from the table.<\/p>\n \u201cYes, it\u2019s a magnet,\u201d Adam growled, \u201cIt makes the door stay shut, works better than a catch and is less likely to break.\u201d\u00a0 He removed the item from his brother\u2019s grasp and fitted it with the tiny screws to the top of the inside of the cabinet.<\/p>\n \u201cThere, it\u2019s all done.\u201d\u00a0 He said, proudly, though in truth Hoss had done most of the work.<\/p>\n The three boys stood back to admire their handiwork.<\/p>\n \u201cI still say that it would look better made in sturdy Ponderosa Pine,\u201d Ben observed but it\u2019s nice enough.\u00a0 What\u2019s it for?\u00a0 And where is it going?\u201d<\/p>\n Adam moved over to stand beside his father\u2019s chair, \u201cI thought it could go in your study by the big desk.\u00a0 You see you can use it for your accounts and letters and such.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019ve been using my big desk for more than twenty years, why would I need this little thing now?\u201d\u00a0 Ben stood up and examined the cupboard in front of him.\u00a0 \u201cDoesn\u2019t even have much storage space and why does this shelf slide in and out?\u00a0 Its too narrow, hardly any room on it.<\/p>\n \u201cIt\u2019s for the computer, Pa.\u201d\u00a0 Adam spoke as if to a small child, earning himself a glare.<\/p>\n \u201cComputer?\u00a0 What\u2019s a computer?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cIt\u2019s a machine to help you do accounts and letters and all manner of things.\u201d\u00a0 Adam became excited at the prospect.\u00a0 \u201cIt does it all much quicker.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWell,\u201d Ben observed cautiously, \u201cI\u2019m always keen to find ways to do things quicker as long as that doesn\u2019t mean slipshod,\u201d he glanced at his youngest son.<\/p>\n Adam began reading more instructions.\u00a0 \u201cSee this wire connects the printer to the base unit,\u201d he explained as he pushed two strange looking things into corresponding holes.<\/p>\n \u201cHey, look this one\u2019s got lots of tiny pins in the end.\u201d Joe exclaimed as he fiddled with another wire.<\/p>\n \u201cLeave it alone, you\u2019ll break it.\u201d\u00a0 Adam yelled.\u00a0 \u201cIt says here that they are delicate.\u201d<\/p>\n Hoss shrugged and sat down.\u00a0 \u201cWood or what passed for wood and screws he could cope with, all this engineering stuff was Adam\u2019s province.\u00a0 He barely understood the big saw up at the sawmill and wasn\u2019t about to get involved in this new fangled thing.<\/p>\n Adam connected the three big boxes to each other and then the thing he called a keyboard.<\/p>\n \u201cWhy aren\u2019t the letters in the right order?\u201d\u00a0 Joe asked.\u00a0 \u201cAnd what are all those funny squiggly ones.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI don\u2019t know,\u201d Adam reluctantly admitted, but I guess we\u2019ll learn.\u00a0 Here there is a book all about it.\u00a0 He tossed a book that was at least 2 inches thick at his younger brother who passed it to Ben.<\/p>\n \u201cI guess if you\u2019re doing accounts and things you\u2019ll need to read it first, Pa.\u201d\u00a0 He said, hopefully.\u00a0 \u201cThen you can show us.\u201d<\/p>\n Ben winced at the weight of the book, it wasn\u2019t going to be a quick read.\u00a0 He wasn\u2019t at all sure he wanted to make things quicker if it took several days of reading to do so.\u00a0 His schooldays were well behind him.<\/p>\n Adam reached the last page of his instructions and held up the one remaining wire.\u00a0 \u201cJust one more and we can try it out. He fastened one end of the wire into the only remaining slot on the base unit and then looked puzzled.<\/p>\n \u201cGo on then,\u201d Joe urged.\u00a0 \u201cI wanna see how it works.\u201d\u00a0 He took the instructions from his brother and read, \u201cPlug the power lead into the nearest socket.\u201d<\/p>\n Adam turned the final lead in his hand, \u201cDoes it say where this socket is supposed to be?\u201d<\/p>\n Joe shook his head, \u201cJust says the nearest.\u00a0 Looks like it\u2019s on a wall.\u201d\u00a0 He looked round the room as if expecting one of these mysterious sockets to appear.<\/p>\n Hoss raised his head and peered at the paper.\u00a0 \u201cThey musta missed a bit out, you know how it is there is always a bit missing when you makes stuff up from these here kits.\u201d<\/p>\n Adam swallowed hard, as he read a bit more about the items he had bought.\u00a0 \u201cI don\u2019t think so Hoss.\u00a0 What it needs is electricity.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cElectricity?\u00a0 Like lightning, you mean?\u201d\u00a0 Joe queried.<\/p>\n \u201cNo, Joe, not like lightning. It has nothing to do with lightning.\u201d<\/p>\n Joe raised himself up to his full height and glared at his older brother.\u00a0 \u201cOh, yes it does.\u00a0 I remember from old Jonesy\u2019s lessons.\u00a0 Benjamin Franklin did somethin\u2019 with a key and a kite in a thunderstorm and that was electricity.\u201d<\/p>\n Adam sighed, \u201cWell, yes, I suppose so, but we can hardly harness a lightning bolt, now can we?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThere have been experiments with electricity but apart from the telegraph I don\u2019t know of anywhere it\u2019s used.\u201d\u00a0 Ben looked up from his paper and smiled.\u00a0 \u201cI guess your older brother is ahead of his time as always.\u00a0 Maybe if we wait a few more years all this,\u201d he waved a hand at the desk and its machine, \u201cwill be of some use, but right now chores need doing and they\u2019re not going to get done by electricity.\u201d<\/p>\n The three boys sighed and with one last look at the new but useless piece of equipment headed out to the barn, oil lamp in hand.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n The End<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 <\/em><\/strong>In 1870 (maybe a couple of years after this story is set) Thomas Edison invented the first DC generator, he later was responsible for lighting the whole of New York City.\u00a0 Electricity to homes and public places was first introduced in 1881.\u00a0 Computers in the broadest sense had been around a while, e.g. mechanized looms with punch cards etc. Christopher Sholes produced a typewriter with a QWERTY keyboard in 1868, so that existed but probably wasn\u2019t well enough known for Joe to have heard of it.\u00a0 The company which was the forerunner of IBM came into being in 1896.\u00a0 Computers gradually got smaller and were used in commercial concerns. UCLA became the first node on the internet in 1968. The first word processors came along in 1979. So Adam didn\u2019t have long to wait, just 100 years or so!<\/em><\/p>\n <\/p>\n