Summary: Following the success of their appearance on The Dating Game, the Cartwright Brothers take on the Bolt Brothers of Seattle in the Virginia City premier of a new game show. (A Bonanza\/Here Come the Brides crossover)<\/p>\n
Rating: T\u00a0 \u00a0Word Count: 1975<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
You\u2019re about to enter an alternate dimension, an alien and uncharted territory, the boundaries of which are imagination and the enigmatic influence of a fictional nineteenth century icon of the American West. There are no signposts, no trail markings to indicate what lies ahead, which might be anything from the mildly humorous to the absurd. To the traveler, forewarned is forearmed. Discard all preconceived notions and stow your expectations. Venture, if you dare, into The Cartwright Zone… <\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n <\/p>\n BROTHERS FAMILY FEUD<\/strong><\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cHello everyone, and welcome to tonight\u2019s premier edition of Brothers Family Feud, live from Piper\u2019s Opera House in beautiful downtown Virginia City. I\u2019m your host, Bob Weebanks. Let\u2019s meet our home team, the Cartwright brothers. (applause, applause, applause)<\/em>\u00a0 Welcome, gentlemen, and introduce yourselves, please.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThank you, Bob. I\u2019m Adam and these are my brothers, Hoss and Joe.\u201d<\/p>\n Bob: \u201cOf course. I remember you all from last season\u2019s Dating Game. Actually, you\u2019re what gave us the idea for this show, brothers competing against brothers. Adam, as team captain, tell our audience a little about the Cartwrights.\u201d<\/p>\n Adam: \u201cWell, as most everyone here knows, we\u2019re a ranching family; along with our father we own about 1000 square miles of prime real estate here in Nevada, including the Ponderosa ranch and a lumber operation near the Truckee River.\u201d<\/p>\n Bob: \u201cVery impressive. We\u2019ll talk more in a moment, but now let\u2019s welcome our challengers, the Bolt brothers of Seattle. (applause, applause, applause)\u00a0<\/em> Introduce yourselves, gentlemen.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThank you, we\u2019re happy to be here, Bob. I\u2019m Jason, and these are my younger brothers, Joshua and Jeremy.\u201d<\/p>\n Bob: \u201cTell us about the Bolt brothers, Jason.\u201d<\/p>\n Jason: \u201cWe\u2019re a second generation logging family with a large operation on our own private mountain, and we\u2019re also partners in the largest import\/export company in Washington Territory.\u201d<\/p>\n Bob: \u201cWhich reminds me, is it true that you imported 100 young single women from New England to Seattle as prospective brides for the loggers in your employ?\u201d<\/p>\n Jason: \u201cIt’s absolutely true, Bob.\u201d<\/p>\n Bob: \u201cHow did you manage that?\u201d<\/p>\n Adam (looking incredulous): \u201cYes, how?\u201d<\/p>\n Jason (flashing a brilliant smile toward Adam): \u201cLet\u2019s just say I\u2019m known for my powers of persuasion, among other talents.\u201d<\/p>\n Bob: \u201cWell, it looks like a great match up, folks, so let\u2019s get started. Captains, face off.\u201d<\/p>\n (Adam and Jason shake hands)<\/p>\n Bob: \u201cRemember, the person who rings in first with the higher answer may choose to pass or play. Fifty men were surveyed, and the top five answers to the following question are on the board.\u201d<\/p>\n What is the best color for a woman\u2019s dress?<\/b><\/p>\n DING!\u00a0 TEAM BOLT<\/p>\n Jason (confidently): \u201cBlue like the Seattle skies.\u201d<\/p>\n Joshua and Jeremy: \u201cGood answer, good answer!\u201d<\/p>\n (Joe and Hoss snickering)<\/p>\n Bob: \u201cSurvey says\u2026 DING! BLUE is number 5. Adam, there are four answers remaining, and any one of them will put you in control of the board.\u201d<\/p>\n Adam (smirking): \u201cYellow.\u201d<\/p>\n Bob: \u201cSurvey says… DING! YELLOW Number one answer! Pass or play?\u201d<\/p>\n Adam: \u201cPlay, of course.\u201d<\/p>\n Bob: \u201cHoss Cartwright, you were the big winner on our Dating Game show, so you\u2019ve had some experience. Now, don\u2019t be shy. What color looks good on a woman?\u201d<\/p>\n Hoss (smiling): \u201cI\u2019m kinda partial to pink, Bob.\u201d<\/p>\n Bob: \u201cCan we see something in PINK? DING! Good answer! Now, Joe Cartwright. As I recall, you were voted sexiest hair in a Rancher\u2019s Almanac poll, isn\u2019t that right?\u201d<\/p>\n Joe (grinning): \u201cThat\u2019s right, Bob.\u201d<\/p>\n Bob: \u201cSo tell me, when a woman is running her fingers through your award winning hair, what color is her dress?\u201d<\/p>\n Joe: \u201cWell, assuming she\u2019s wearing one, it\u2019s probably green.\u201d<\/p>\n Bob (winking): \u201cYou devil you. Show me GREEN…DING! All right, Adam, big brother, there\u2019s one answer left on the board. You have no strikes. Double points if you get it right. What do you say?\u201d<\/p>\n Adam: \u201cI say, I love a lady in red.\u201d<\/p>\n Bob: \u201cLady in RED…DING! Team Cartwright takes the first round!\u201d<\/p>\n (Applause applause applause. Fiddle music plays. Cartwright brothers high five each other.)<\/em><\/p>\n Bob: \u201cBefore we begin Round Two, I\u2019d like to introduce our judges for this evening, Dr. Paul Martin of Virginia City, Mr. Aaron Stempel of Seattle, and Mr. Sam Clemens of San Francisco. If there is any question about one of the answers, they will confer and rule on acceptability. Hoss, Joshua, shake hands, and good luck to both of you. 50 men surveyed, top seven answers on the board.\u201d<\/p>\n What is the best way to impress a woman?<\/b><\/p>\n DING! TEAM BOLT<\/p>\n Joshua: \u201cTake her out on the town.\u201d<\/p>\n Bob: \u201cSounds like a good idea, let\u2019s see. Survey says…DING! DINNER\/THEATER – Number one answer. Pass or Play?\u201d<\/p>\n Joshua: \u201cPlay!\u201d<\/p>\n Bob: \u201cJeremy, you\u2019re the youngest brother, is that right?\u201d<\/p>\n Jeremy: \u201cYes sir.\u201d<\/p>\n Bob: \u201cAnd I understand you\u2019re the only one with a steady girlfriend. Why is that?\u201d<\/p>\n Jeremy: \u201cMaybe because I\u2019m also the smartest.\u201d<\/p>\n (Audience laughs. A girl yells: \u201cI love you, Jeremy!\u201d)<\/em><\/p>\n Bob: \u201cWould that be her?\u201d<\/p>\n Jeremy (blushing): \u201cYeah. Um, I love you too, Candy.\u201d<\/p>\n Bob: \u201cSounds like you already know how to impress a girl. How did you do it?\u201d<\/p>\n Jeremy: \u201cOnce I took her on a surprise picnic, packed everything myself.\u201d<\/p>\n Bob: \u201cA loaf of bread, a jug of wine, and your best girl, eh? Let\u2019s go on a PICNIC…DING! Good answer! Back to you, Jason; five answers left, no strikes. Tell me, do you rely solely on your persuasive powers or do you have another way to impress a woman?\u201d<\/p>\n Jason: \u201cIn my experience, flowers are the language of love.\u201d<\/p>\n Joshua and Jeremy: \u201cGood answer, good answer!\u201d<\/p>\n Bob: \u201cAnd daisies don\u2019t tell, right? Say it with FLOWERS…DING! GIFT\/FLOWERS. All right. Now Joshua, we haven\u2019t had a chance to talk yet. You\u2019re a handsome fellow, and you don\u2019t have a girl?\u201d<\/p>\n Joshua (grinning): \u201cOh, I have a lot of girls, just not one steady.\u201d<\/p>\n Bob: \u201cI see. Well, what\u2019s a sure-fire way to impress one of them?\u201d<\/p>\n Joshua: \u201cLog rolling.\u201d<\/p>\n Bob: \u201cLog rolling? You do a lot of that up in Seattle?\u201d<\/p>\n Joshua: \u201cI\u2019m the territory champion.\u201d<\/p>\n (Jason and Jeremy clap and cheer)<\/em><\/p>\n Bob: \u201cI’m impressed…we\u2019ll see what the survey says. Just a moment, the judges are conferring on this one. DING! SKILLS is number seven. That\u2019s a broad category, and I would think log rolling requires a great deal of skill.\u201d<\/p>\n Joshua: \u201cYou\u2019d better believe it. A lot more than horse shoes, I can tell you that.\u201d<\/p>\n Hoss (frowning): \u201cYeah, but I bet he never fought a bull.\u201d<\/p>\n Bob: \u201cWell, Jeremy. Do you have another answer for us?\u201d<\/p>\n Jeremy: \u201cHow about cook dinner for her?\u201d<\/p>\n Bob: \u201cLet\u2019s find out if we\u2019re cooking tonight. Survey says…\u201d<\/p>\n X<\/b><\/span><\/p>\n Bob: \u201cSorry, the kitchen is closed. Strike one and we\u2019re back to Jason. Three answers left.\u201d<\/p>\n Jason (thinking): \u201cTake her on a really nice, romantic trip.\u201d<\/p>\n Bob: \u201cCastles in Spain, chateaus in France, maybe?\u201d<\/p>\n Jason: \u201cI was thinking a weekend at the Hotel Olympia, but sure, why not?\u201d<\/p>\n X<\/b><\/span><\/p>\n Bob: \u201cJoshua, your team has two strikes. If you get this wrong, the Cartwrights can steal. They\u2019re plotting even now. How are you going to impress a woman?\u201d<\/p>\n Joshua (shaking his head): \u201cI dunno. Maybe help her solve a problem?\u201d<\/p>\n X<\/b><\/span><\/p>\n Bob: \u201cTeam Cartwright, now is your chance. What would you do to impress a woman?\u201d<\/p>\n Adam (looking smug): \u201cDefend her honor in a duel.\u201d<\/p>\n Bob: \u201cAh, the Code. Really? If it\u2019s there, you are our winners this evening. Survey says\u2026.DING! Well, what do you know?Congratulations, Cartwrights! Let\u2019s see number 5 \u2013 HORSE\/BUGGY RIDE. And number 6 \u2013 KISS.\u201d<\/p>\n Joe: \u201cI told you kiss was up there!\u201d<\/p>\n (Applause, applause, applause.\u00a0 More fiddle music.)<\/em><\/p>\n Bob: \u201cAs we all know, both teams are playing for charity tonight, but only the Cartwrights are eligible to participate in the fast money round benefiting the Virginia City Children\u2019s Home. As a gesture of goodwill our sponsor, Wells Fargo, is also donating $500 to the Seattle Community Library, so no one will go home empty handed.\u201d<\/p>\n (Applause applause applause)<\/em><\/p>\n Bob: “Team Cartwright has selected Hoss and Joe to play for the grand prize of $2000. They need to score 100 points between them in order to win.\u00a0 Joe is currently off stage, and\u00a0Hoss, you will have 15 seconds to answer these five questions posed in a survey to 50 men. The clock will begin after I ask the first question. Are you ready?”<\/p>\n Hoss:\u00a0 “Ready.”<\/p>\n Bob:. Besides a parent, who do you ask for advice?<\/strong><\/p>\n Hoss: Brother<\/p>\n Bob:\u00a0 Where do you go for a good time?<\/strong><\/p>\n Hoss:\u00a0 Saloon<\/p>\n Bob: Name something you might want to hide.<\/strong><\/p>\n Hoss: Money<\/p>\n Bob: Name something you pick.<\/strong><\/p>\n Hoss: Flowers<\/p>\n Bob: How much wood can a woodchuck chuck?<\/strong><\/p>\n Hoss:\u00a0 Huh?<\/p>\n Bob:\u00a0 “All right, Hoss.\u00a0 Let’s see how you did.\u00a0 Question 1 — survey said 19.\u00a0 Brother was the number one answer. Question 2 — survey said 27.\u00a0 Saloon, number one answer. Question 3 — survey said 20.\u00a0 Money was number one, again. Question 4 — survey said 22.\u00a0 Flowers, number one answer.\u00a0 You did so well, we may not even need Joe.\u00a0 Question 5 — you didn’t have an answer but the points don’t matter in this case because the number one answer was 0.\u00a0 Woodchucks don’t chuck wood.\u00a0 They’re actually groundhogs, so you could just say they chuck dirt.\u00a0 But you got 88 points on the other four questions, which means Joe only needs 12.\u00a0 Think he can handle it?”<\/p>\n Hoss: “No problem.”<\/p>\n Bob:\u00a0 “Let’s bring him out then.”\u00a0 (applause applause applause)\u00a0\u00a0<\/em>“Joe, your big brother has done most of the work for you.\u00a0 All you have to do is answer five questions in twenty seconds for twelve points.\u00a0 No pressure. If you repeat an answer already given, you’ll hear the buzzer and you’ll need to come up with a different one. The clock will begin after the first question.\u00a0 Are you ready, Joe?”<\/p>\n Joe: “Ready, Bob.”<\/p>\n Bob: Besides a parent, who do you ask for advice?<\/strong><\/p>\n Joe: Hop Sing<\/p>\n Bob: Where do you go for a good time?<\/strong><\/p>\n Joe: Bob: Name something you might want to hide.<\/strong><\/p>\n Joe: A woman<\/p>\n Bob: Name something you pick.<\/strong><\/p>\n Joe: A fight<\/p>\n Bob: How much wood can a woodchuck chuck?<\/strong><\/p>\n Joe: What?<\/p>\n Bob: “Time’s up.\u00a0 How do you think you did?”<\/p>\n Joe:\u00a0 “I think I did pretty well.”<\/p>\n Bob:\u00a0 “Let’s find out.\u00a0 Question 1 — you said Hop Sing.\u00a0 What’s a Hop Sing?”<\/p>\n Joe:\u00a0 “He’s our Chinese cook, and a whole lot more.”<\/p>\n Bob:\u00a0 “Do you think he’s up there?”<\/p>\n Joe: “Probably not.”<\/p>\n Bob:\u00a0 “Survey said…0.\u00a0 Don’t worry, you only need 12.\u00a0 Question 2 — you said upstairs. Is that what I think it means?”<\/p>\n Joe:\u00a0 “I wasn’t really sure how else to say it. This is a family show, right?”<\/p>\n Bob: “Well, I’m sure our sponsor appreciates your discretion. Let’s see if it gets you any points,\u00a0 Survey said…13. Congratulations Team Cartwright!”<\/p>\n (Fiddle music plays as audience claps in time. Hoss and Joe do-si-do a victory dance as both teams and judges congregate onstage.)<\/em><\/p>\n Bob:\u00a0 “That\u2019s our show for tonight, folks. Join us here next week when our returning champions face off against the Barkley brothers of Stockton. Good night everybody!”<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Overheard after the show:<\/b><\/i><\/p>\n Candy from Seattle to Joe: \u201cYou really do have nice hair.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThanks, so do you. How long will you be in town?\u201d<\/p>\n Jeremy: \u201cBack off, Curly Locks. We\u2019re leaving first thing tomorrow.\u201d<\/p>\n Candy (sounding disappointed): \u201cOh, do we have to?\u201d<\/p>\n Jeremy: \u201cWe do now.\u201d<\/p>\n ~*~<\/p>\n Adam to Jason: \u201cHave you ever been to Virginia City before?<\/p>\n \u201cCan\u2019t say that I\u2019ve had the pleasure.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYour face is so familiar, I could have sworn we\u2019ve met somewhere. This is probably going to sound strange, but you don\u2019t happen to have another brother who\u2019s a minister, maybe?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cA Bolt who\u2019s a man of the cloth? Did you hear that, Josh?\u201d Both of them roar with laughter.<\/p>\n \u201cI guess that\u2019s a hard no.\u201d<\/p>\n Even though Hoss and Joe both concurred with Adam that Jason Bolt bore an uncanny resemblance to the mysterious reverend who interceded in the custody battle for orphaned siblings Kenny and Sue, they all agreed that the similarity ended rather abruptly there.<\/i><\/p>\n <\/p>\n THE END<\/p>\n Acknowledgments: Here Come the Brides<\/em> was a Screen Gems Production which aired on ABC-TV from Sepember 1968-April 1970\u00a0 Thank you Bolt brothers Robert Brown, David Soul, and Bobby Sherman for the fond memories.<\/p>\n And thank you Rod Serling.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Other (unofficial) Tales of the Cartwright Zone:<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n The Dating Game (by JC)<\/a> <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Summary: Following the success of their appearance on The Dating Game, the Cartwright Brothers take on the Bolt Brothers of Seattle in the Virginia City premier of a new game show. (A Bonanza\/Here Come the Brides crossover)<\/p>\n Rating: T\u00a0 \u00a0Word Count:1975<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":10253,"featured_media":9517,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"template-full-width-post.php","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[7,1009,24,4],"tags":[1333,1331],"class_list":["post-63450","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-a-u","category-brothers","category-crossover","category-humor","tag-game-shows","tag-here-come-the-brides","wpcat-7-id","wpcat-1009-id","wpcat-24-id","wpcat-4-id"],"a3_pvc":{"activated":false,"total_views":285,"today_views":0},"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/08\/brothers.jpg?fit=399%2C299&ssl=1","jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":7673,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=7673","url_meta":{"origin":63450,"position":0},"title":"Did I Hear You Mention Boston? (by DJK)","author":"DJK","date":"May 9, 2014","format":false,"excerpt":"Summary: One Cartwright, two Lancers, and a chance meeting equal a little crossover story. Rated:\u00a0 K+\u00a0\u00a0 Word count:\u00a01032","rel":"","context":"In "Action\/Adventure"","block_context":{"text":"Action\/Adventure","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?cat=2"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/08\/vlcsnap-error340-3.png?fit=517%2C388&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":12750,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=12750","url_meta":{"origin":63450,"position":1},"title":"A Modern Cartwrights Story #3 – A Quarter\u2019s Worth of Glory: Joe in the Infernal Machine (by Robin)","author":"profrobinw","date":"January 23, 2015","format":false,"excerpt":"Summary:\u00a0 Headlines ripped from the daily newspaper in this modern era tale of the Cartwrights. Rating:\u00a0 K+\u00a0 (775 word) A Modern Cartwright Story Series, links to stories within the series are included.","rel":"","context":"In "Alternate Universe"","block_context":{"text":"Alternate Universe","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?cat=7"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":39020,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=39020","url_meta":{"origin":63450,"position":2},"title":"The Dating Game (by JC)","author":"JC","date":"April 20, 2022","format":false,"excerpt":"Summary: The Cartwright brothers compete against one another on Virginia City's newest game show. Will it be bachelor #1, Bachelor #2, or Bachelor #3? Rating: T\u00a0\u00a0 Word Count: 1717","rel":"","context":"In "Alternate Universe"","block_context":{"text":"Alternate Universe","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?cat=7"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/02\/brothers.jpg?fit=296%2C226&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":14355,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=14355","url_meta":{"origin":63450,"position":3},"title":"Cartwrights Forever (by JC)","author":"JC","date":"June 2, 2017","format":false,"excerpt":"Summary: A tribute in rhyme for everyone who loves the Cartwrights, especially those who love to write about them. Rating: \u00a0G \u00a0(560 words)","rel":"","context":"In "Family"","block_context":{"text":"Family","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?cat=1008"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/08\/four.jpg?fit=298%2C300&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":7433,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=7433","url_meta":{"origin":63450,"position":4},"title":"Mama Died Today (by southplains)","author":"southplains","date":"October 31, 2013","format":false,"excerpt":"Summary: \u00a0A Cartwright son's short life story. \u00a0 Rated:\u00a0K \u00a0WC 774","rel":"","context":"In "Drama"","block_context":{"text":"Drama","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?cat=23"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/05\/Moon-Blind.jpg?fit=640%2C480&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/05\/Moon-Blind.jpg?fit=640%2C480&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/05\/Moon-Blind.jpg?fit=640%2C480&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x"},"classes":[]},{"id":17742,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=17742","url_meta":{"origin":63450,"position":5},"title":"Without You (by PSW)","author":"PSW","date":"July 14, 2018","format":false,"excerpt":"Summary: The brothers share a bittersweet day.\u00a0 Written for the July 15 Pinecone Challenge and (very slightly) expanded for inclusion here.\u00a0 Prompt\/lyrics: God only knows what I'd be without you. 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\nA Stop at The Shady Villa (by JC)<\/a>
\nShirtless Joe (by JC)<\/a>
\nNight Trilogy (by JC)<\/a>
\nWhen Worlds Collide (By JC)<\/a>
\nThe Best Little Bed and Breakfast in Nevada (by JC)<\/a>
\nStranger in the Night (by JC)<\/a><\/p>\n