Summary: \u00a0 Adam’s quest to find answers. \u00a0 Hunger follows the events in Choices and Shadows. \u00a0It is helpful but not necessary to have read the previous stories.<\/p>\n
Rated: \u00a0T — WC \u00a017,000<\/p>\n
Choices Series:<\/strong><\/p>\n Choices<\/a> Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author.\u00a0 The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise.\u00a0 No copyright infringement is intended.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Hunger<\/strong><\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cWhere does discontent start? You are warm enough, but you shiver. You are fed, yet hunger gnaws you. <\/em><\/p>\n You have been loved, but your yearning wanders in new fields. And to prod all these there’s time, the Bastard Time.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n John Steinbeck<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n Joe talked about the hunger that haunted him ever since his encounter with Silas Wellencamp.\u00a0 And when he talked about it, it was \u2018hunger\u2019 with a capital \u2018H.\u201d His personification of that otherwise normal biological function at first mystified Adam.<\/p>\n Their father thought it might have had something to do with the survival reflex . . . that people will do whatever they have to do, go to whatever place is safe in their mind in order to survive.\u00a0 Since very often their captor is also the one on whom they depend, they find something else to blame for their circumstances.\u00a0 He had seen it before when he was in the militia and they rescued women and children held captive by Indians.\u00a0 When returned to society, they would blame intangible things for their lot in life . . . the government, bad luck, the seasons.\u00a0 It somehow was the only way their mind could handle the trauma of captivity and still hold on to their sanity.<\/p>\n The man that held Joe had lost his mind, of that Adam was certain.\u00a0 But what he did to Joe had been beyond crazy; it had been diabolical.\u00a0 Why he did it was a mystery.\u00a0 Pa and Hoss were focused on just getting Joe home and back to good physical health.\u00a0 Although they all thought that sleep, fresh air and lots to eat would not only put on the pounds but revive the spirit and restore the Joe they knew and loved, it soon became apparent it wasn\u2019t all he needed.<\/p>\n Sweeping what had happened to Joe under the rug was not, in Adam\u2019s opinion, the way to proceed.\u00a0\u00a0 He and his Pa argued about it ad nauseum<\/em>. \u00a0Hoss had tired of their arguments and quickly retreated whenever he sensed they were about to go around again, usually upstairs to be with Joe or out the barn to tend the animals who didn\u2019t yell.<\/p>\n Given his Pa\u2019s reaction to his research on Wellencamp, Adam decided not to tell him he contacted a college mate who had studied Arthur Schopenhauer\u2019s work.\u00a0 The information Adam received did nothing to dispel the theory he had begun to assemble.<\/p>\n The more Adam read, the more he came to believe that Silas Wellencamp was completely deranged.\u00a0 He had turned the basic tenets of the esteemed philosopher\u2019s position about free will into something evil.\u00a0 One could only guess what he had put his wife and children through.\u00a0It was with trepidation that Adam finally approached his Pa.<\/p>\n \u201cI agreed to your investigation of that fiend and I\u2019m grateful you found out his background, but I don\u2019t want you to pursue this line any further. \u00a0What purpose will it serve?\u00a0 Joe is recovering; he\u2019s eating and sleeping.\u00a0 He\u2019s back to work.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cPa, I know that.\u00a0 But I think you see what you want to see, not what is.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYou can\u2019t think that he is still . . .\u00a0 suicidal.\u201d<\/p>\n Adam was silent.\u00a0 It wasn\u2019t that he continued to think Joe would harm himself intentionally, but he was also not so naive as his Pa.\u00a0 True, Joe had made tremendous strides since his breakdown, but there was an undercurrent that Adam couldn\u2019t put his finger on.<\/p>\n Joe had stopped writing in the journal every night so while he was out riding fence, Adam re-read it from cover to cover. \u00a0He couldn\u2019t identify the source of his discontent but it was there nonetheless.<\/p>\n The more he read, the more he began to feel the only way Joe would finally put this event behind him was if they returned to Placerville.\u00a0 Hoss wasn\u2019t sure it was the right decision, but was willing to concede that\u2014like getting back on a horse after a bad fall\u2014it might be something Joe needed to do.<\/p>\n Their father, on the other hand, was dead set against it.\u00a0 In his view, Joe\u2019s progress was better than expected and they should leave well enough alone.\u00a0Ben either didn\u2019t see, or intentionally ignored, the indecision that plagued Joe still.\u00a0 True, he was making choices, but there was always a split second hesitation every time which was atypical.\u00a0 Joe was a man of action.\u00a0 More than any other Cartwright son, Joe was the one to act first and consider the consequences later.\u00a0 He thrived on hunches and gut feelings.\u00a0\u00a0 And now it was Adam\u2019s gut feeling that all was far from right.<\/p>\n Adam had always believed that once Joe wrote down everything in his journal the next step would be to go to Placerville.\u00a0 His brother needed to confront the specter of Hunger in order to see that it was as insubstantial as fog. \u00a0The mist could flow over and around him, but it couldn\u2019t become him.<\/p>\n Hoss had been won over, but his father still needed to be convinced.\u00a0 True, he had taken Joe on the Grand Swing, as he liked to call it, but Joe had not been off the Ponderosa in over six months, not even to town.\u00a0 It was past time.<\/p>\n After dinner, over coffee, Adam broached the idea of a camping trip.<\/p>\n \u201cSo, what do you think? \u00a0A little fishing, just the three of us?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cSounds good,\u201d Hoss said.\u00a0 \u201cWhat do you have in mind?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThe South Fork in Coloma?\u201d<\/p>\n Joe\u2019s spoon froze in midair.<\/p>\n \u201cGood idea.\u00a0 We haven\u2019t fished the American River in what five, six years?\u00a0 Not since you come back from college.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhat about it, Joe?\u00a0\u00a0 Are you in?\u201d<\/p>\n Joe said \u201csure,\u201d but little beads of sweat appeared on his upper lip and forehead.<\/p>\n As pre-arranged, Hoss\u2019s bunions flared up causing him significant pain and he begged off the trip at the last minute.\u00a0 Ben wasn\u2019t fooled and drew Adam aside forcefully restraining his arm in a vise-like grip.<\/p>\n \u201cJust what do you think you\u2019re doing?\u201d he whispered between clenched teeth.<\/p>\n \u201cSweeping the shadows away.\u00a0 Trust me, Pa.\u00a0 This trip will be a turning point for Joe.\u201d<\/p>\n Ben looked long and hard at his eldest, but in the end relinquished his hold.<\/p>\n On the trail, Adam asked innocently, \u201c\u201cHave you ever heard of Arthur Schopenhauer?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cChopin?\u00a0 You mean the composer?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNo,\u201d Adam smiled, pulling his ear, \u201cthough I\u2019m glad that you know something about classical music.\u00a0 Actually both Chopin and Schopenhauer were born in Poland, but Schopenhauer is a philosopher, not a composer.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cOh.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cSchopenhauer is famous.\u00a0 His book Will and Representation is well respected. \u00a0It has to do with his view of free will or what man chooses.\u201d<\/p>\n Joe blanched at the word \u201cchoose\u201d but Adam continued.\u00a0 \u201cI can\u2019t even pretend that I\u2019ve been able to put my arms around everything he espouses, but it seems one of his principles is that one obtains moral freedom only by a denial of the will to live.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhat?\u201d\u00a0 Joe rolled his eyes.<\/p>\n \u201cI know.\u00a0 I know.\u00a0 But he\u2019s not condoning suicide; he just disagrees with the way society views it. What he\u2019s saying is that when a man destroys his existence as an individual, he is not destroying his will to live.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cCome on, Adam.\u00a0 I know you well enough to know you\u2019re trying to make a point here.\u00a0 What is it?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThe point is, Joe, is that I\u2019ve been trying to figure out what Wellencamp was thinking\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n \u201c\u2014Wellencamp?!\u00a0 Why do you care what that bastard thinks! \u201c<\/p>\n \u201cJoe, I believe it\u2019s important to understand what he was doing.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhy?\u00a0 What does it matter?\u00a0 He\u2019s dead and I\u2019m here.\u00a0 What do I care?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI think you do care, Joe.\u00a0 I think you want to understand what happened to you; what made him do to you what he did.\u00a0 Understanding is the only way you\u2019ll have peace.\u201d<\/p>\n Joe\u2019s eyes narrowed, but he let Adam continue.<\/p>\n \u201cWellencamp\u2019s daughter committed suicide and he couldn\u2019t accept that she would do such a thing. He latched on to this notion of free will and twisted it somehow.\u00a0 He became obsessed and evidently drove the rest of his family to the same end.\u00a0 He was crazy, Joe.\u00a0\u00a0 Why he latched on to you we\u2019ll never know.\u00a0 Mitch remembered seeing him in the Jackass Tavern the night you and he, Hank, Wes and Slim were there two years ago.\u00a0 That\u2019s why Wellencamp targeted them.\u00a0 It wasn\u2019t anything you did, Joe.<\/p>\n \u201cWhether it was good luck or circumstance, Mitch escaped because he was in St. Louis.\u00a0 Your choice\u2014your selection of a card, Joe, was inconsequential.\u00a0 He had already murdered those people.\u00a0 Except Hattie; he didn\u2019t kill her.\u00a0 He just used her accidental death to convince you he had power over your free will.\u201d<\/p>\n When Joe wrapped his mind around what Adam shared, he asked more questions.\u00a0 This time Adam had the answers.\u00a0 Eventually, Joe was persuaded that visiting the site where he was held captive would dispel the lingering shadows, so after fishing the South Fork, that\u2019s where they went.<\/p>\n Adam was surprised at Joe\u2019s reaction when they arrived. The charred remains of the house that burned the night he was rescued had been cleared away.\u00a0 Aside from a footprint of blackened earth, the land had returned to its natural state, green grasses growing where once stood the hell house that imprisoned him.\u00a0 Only the barn\u2014now abandoned\u2014remained untouched.<\/p>\n Adam studied Joe closely, but the kid gave away nothing . . . No rancor, no rage, no curiosity, no emotion whatsoever.\u00a0 Nevertheless, there was a sense of disappointment about him.\u00a0 After a few minutes of toeing the dirt, Joe strode to the barn and looked inside, then walked the perimeter of the clearing.\u00a0 When he returned to where the horses were ground tied, he mounted and galloped towards Hangtown without saying a word.<\/p>\n Adam found his brother in the Jackass Tavern swilling beer at a back table, an empty shot glass nearby.\u00a0 As he stepped through the bat wing doors, a tall man in buckskins with wavy red hair was sauntering up to the table.<\/p>\n “Mite early for a beer and a bump,” the man said. “Especially for a wee bairn.”<\/p>\n “Mind your own business.\u201d<\/p>\n “Ye are my business, sonny.\u00a0 I suggest ye finish that boilermaker and be on your way.”<\/p>\n “Is there a problem here, Gus?” Adam asked as he stepped around the lawman and pulled out a chair to sit down.<\/p>\n “Adam.”<\/p>\n “You two know each other?” Joe\u2019s bewilderment was clear.<\/p>\n “Joe, this is Aengus Mason, the Sheriff of Placerville.\u00a0 He and his deputies were with us the night we found you.\u00a0 I’m not surprised you didn’t recognize my brother, Gus. The last time you saw us he was a bit the worse for wear.”<\/p>\n “Aye.\u00a0 I dinna recognize ye, wee Joe.”<\/p>\n Joe sprayed beer. “Wee Joe?” he squeaked before wiping his mouth with the back of his hand.<\/p>\n “Aye?\u00a0 Yer family was callin’ ye wee Joe as I recall.”<\/p>\n “Little Joe,\u201d Adam explained.\u00a0 \u201cA nickname when he was young.”<\/p>\n “Just Joe, thanks.\u00a0 In case you’re wonderin’.”<\/p>\n “Ach, I can sympathize with the names given to wee bairns.\u00a0 Hard to grow out of, that’s for certain.\u00a0 What brings ye back to Placerville?”<\/p>\n “A look at the Gray Lady.”<\/p>\n “Nothing to see.”<\/p>\n “No.”<\/p>\n Joe’s eyes moved back and forth between the men as they volleyed.\u00a0 Why didn’t Adam just get it over with?<\/em><\/p>\n “How is Travis?\u00a0 Mary had the baby yet?”<\/p>\n “Aye.\u00a0 A lovely lass, too.\u00a0 Takes after her da.”<\/p>\n Adam chuckled.\u00a0 “I do recall Mary has a bit of a temper.”<\/p>\n “That she does.”<\/p>\n Joe couldn’t stand it any longer. “Is Wellencamp dead?”<\/p>\n Adam and Gus exchanged looks but neither moved to answer immediately.\u00a0 Based on their conversation, as cryptic as it was, it was obvious to Joe that the two had spent more time together than what was needed to rescue him.<\/p>\n “Why would you think otherwise?” Adam asked.<\/p>\n “I heard you.”\u00a0 Two sets of unblinking eyes bored into Joe. “When I was in the carriage . . . I heard you say there was no body found.”<\/p>\n Adam shifted uncomfortably in the chair.\u00a0 Damn Joe and those ears! Even half unconscious he was eavesdropping.<\/em><\/p>\n “Aye. There was no body found in the house.\u201d Gus took the measure of the youngest Cartwright as he delivered that bit of news. The lad did not move, jaw jutting firmly outward.\u00a0 Adam was right; this wee one had grit.\u00a0 No wonder Wellencamp was taken with him.\u00a0 \u201cBut in the woods the following day, we found a body . . . charred.”<\/p>\n “So, you see, Joe.\u00a0 There’s nothing to worry about.\u00a0 He can’t hurt you anymore.”<\/p>\n Joe laughed bitterly.\u00a0 \u201cYou think I\u2019m stupid, Adam?\u00a0 He said \u2018a body.\u2019 A charred body at that.\u201d\u00a0 Joe turned to Gus.\u00a0 \u201cHow do you know it was Wellencamp?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWho else would it be?\u201d Adam asked. \u201cHe lived alone.\u00a0 No known associates.\u00a0 His family was dead.\u00a0 Give it up, Joe.\u00a0 It\u2019s over.\u201d<\/p>\n Joe heard his brother\u2019s words, but he was watching the sheriff.\u00a0 The man was inscrutable.\u00a0 He still stood, one foot casually placed on the seat of the chair, an elbow resting on his knee, his fingers laced loosely together.\u00a0 Gus had placed himself in the corner of the room, his back to the wall.\u00a0 From where he stood, he could see the whole tavern and Joe had no doubt\u2014although he appeared relaxed and noncommittal\u2014that he was prepared to react in an instant to any unwarranted move or disturbance that might erupt in the saloon.\u00a0 This man missed nothing.<\/p>\n And he knew more than he was telling.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n There were no demons in Coloma for Joe to exorcise because he had no memories of being there, only of being hot and hungry and of the choices he had been forced to make.\u00a0 Adam doubted now whether he would ever be able to help Joe sweep the shadows away for the very reason that they were insubstantial and ethereal.\u00a0 Kane was a physical being, a tangible force with whom he had had lengthy conversations\u2014which, unfortunately, he remembered all too clearly.\u00a0 In some ways, he envied Joe the incorporeal nature of his shadowed nemesis.<\/p>\n Adam understood now how Hoss had felt when he couldn\u2019t track Joe.\u00a0 “I’m sorry, Pa.\u00a0 I done failed ya.\u00a0 I’m just so sorry.”<\/em><\/p>\n Failure.\u00a0 It wasn\u2019t something Adam had a lot of experience with; not that it didn\u2019t often take several\u2014many, in fact\u2014tries to succeed, but succeed he usually did in one form or another.\u00a0 He knew his father wouldn\u2019t think any less of him and would thank him for trying.\u00a0 Even Joe would thank him.<\/p>\n Adam stole a sideward glance at Joe who still stuck to him like glue but hadn\u2019t said more than a few words since they\u2019d broken camp that morning.<\/p>\n Thanks wasn\u2019t enough.\u00a0 He had promised his father a turning point and failed to deliver.<\/p>\n Unless . . .<\/p>\n \u201cCome on. I want to show you something.\u201d<\/p>\n Instead of continuing on the main road to Genoa, they turned west upward into the mountains and toward the lake and Joe expected they were headed up to the promontory where his mother was buried. Instead, Adam followed the shore further north then suddenly took a sharp turn and started climbing.\u00a0 After a time, he said, \u201csingle file,\u201d and took the lead by urging Sport ahead of Cochise.<\/p>\n “This path is a dead end, Adam.\u00a0 I’ve tried it before.”<\/p>\n Adam twisted in the saddle to gaze at his brother but only smiled, jerked his head to the right, and kept moving forward.<\/p>\n Joe shrugged and mumbled something that caused Adam to look over his shoulder.<\/p>\n “You think I’m an enigma?\u00a0 Isn’t that a little like the pot calling the kettle black?”<\/p>\n Actually, Joe had said ‘ignoramus,’ but if Adam chose to hear another word then who was he to contradict his elders. \u00a0That thought made Joe laugh out loud causing Adam to twist in his saddle once again, but this time he stopped.<\/p>\n “Something wrong?”<\/p>\n “No.\u00a0 Just thinking.”<\/p>\n “About?”<\/p>\n “You puzzle me Adam.”<\/p>\n It was Adam\u2019s turn to laugh.\u00a0 It was a genuine, deep laugh; one that Joe had not heard often in the last few years.\u00a0 His brother had always been serious, intense, but he could be fun, too, especially years ago when he told bedtime stories and acted out all the parts; or when he orchestrated the makeover of a shrewish woman.<\/p>\n “Where are we going?” Joe asked.<\/p>\n “You’ll see.”<\/p>\n They climbed for a while longer, twisting and turning through the pines.\u00a0 If Adam hadn’t been leading, Joe wasn’t sure he would have ever noticed this trail\u2014if you could call it that\u2014much less followed it.\u00a0 After about a half hour their progress was halted when they came around a bend and were confronted with a large rock formation that blocked their path.\u00a0 It was a massive piece of granite with fissures and cracks.<\/p>\n “Watch your head here.” Adam instructed.\u00a0 He lay flat along Sport’s neck, moved towards the right where there was nothing but air\u2014or so it seemed\u2014and disappeared through the crack as if by magic.<\/p>\n “What the . . . !”<\/p>\n “Just do as I did and come along, Joe.\u00a0 No dilly dallying.”\u00a0 Adam’s voice sounded hollow.<\/p>\n Was this a cave?<\/em><\/p>\n Cochise was nervous and started to back up, but Joe patted his neck. \u00a0“Come on, Cooch.\u00a0 You’re not going to let Sport have all the fun, are you?” \u00a0As if he could hear him, Sport whinnied.\u00a0 Comforted by the sound of his stable mate and the caress of his trusted rider, the paint stepped surefooted through the narrow opening.<\/p>\n When Joe raised his head and opened his eyes, he was on a wider portion of the trail looking out over a small but magnificent meadow, its grasses rippling in the wind, surrounded by majestic mountains that rose straight up to the sky.\u00a0 He gasped audibly.<\/p>\n “This is amazing!”<\/p>\n “You haven’t seen anything yet.”\u00a0 Adam kicked Sport into a gallop and sped down the gentle slope into the open field.\u00a0 It only took a second for Joe to snap out of it and urge Cochise to follow. \u00a0The brothers rode hard, laughing as they went.\u00a0 Joe took the lead, grinning back at his brother, and then Adam surged forward.\u00a0 They changed position frequently, one or the other whooping it up, hat in hand as they zigged and zagged across the meadow.<\/p>\n Adam couldn’t remember the last time he and Joe had raced like this.\u00a0 It was good to see his brother happy, riding like the wind, free from the terror and uncertainty of the last year.\u00a0 Up ahead was a fallen tree which he easily sailed over, Joe and Cochise following suit. \u00a0Circling a copse of oaks, Adam finally slowed Sport to an easy walk, allowing both horses to cool down.<\/p>\n “How did you find this place, Adam?<\/p>\n “Like it?”<\/p>\n “It’s incredible!”<\/p>\n “Look over there,” Adam pointed to the base of the purple mountain where wild mustangs were grazing.\u00a0 The brothers watched for several minutes before Adam turned Sport around and headed towards a small stream Joe hadn’t noticed previously.\u00a0 In a grove of quaking aspens, Adam dismounted and removed Sport’s saddle and tack. \u00a0Joe did the same for Cochise and they let the horses water and graze while they walked a spell.<\/p>\n Joe didn’t know where they were going, but he felt good\u2014free for the first time in a long time.\u00a0 The sun was warm on his face and a gentle breeze ruffled his hair when he took off his hat.\u00a0 The brothers ambled along the meandering stream for a while without saying anything, just enjoying the day, the scent of grass, the buzz of cicadas.\u00a0 He pointed to a hawk soaring overhead and together they watched as it rose and fell on the air currents.\u00a0 For a long time it just hovered in one spot, held in place by an invisible force, then dove at an incredible speed straight toward the ground, its wings pinned back by the wind.<\/p>\n \u201cDo you remember when you were young and I read to you about the adventures of Marco Polo?\u201d Adam asked.<\/p>\n \u201cSure.\u201d\u00a0 Joe screwed his face up.\u00a0 \u201cIn Xanadu, did Kubla Khan, a stately pleasure dome decree . . . that\u2019s all I remember.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThat\u2019s Coleridge\u2019s poem which he based on the writings of Marco Polo:<\/p>\n \u2018Round this Palace a wall is built, inclosing a compass of 16 miles, and inside the Park there are fountains and rivers and brooks, and beautiful meadows, with all kinds of animals which the Emperor has procured and placed there to supply food for his hawks.\u2019<\/em><\/p>\n That\u2019s what I call it.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cIt?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThis place.\u201d\u00a0 Adam smiled again and then pointed straight ahead.\u00a0 \u201cXanadu.\u201d<\/p>\n Before them was a cabin of sorts, but like nothing Joe had ever seen before.\u00a0 It was low and sleek, a meld of stone and timber, blending in to the cliff as if it were a part of the outcrop and in perfect harmony with its magnificent setting.<\/p>\n “What is this, then, your pleasure dome?”\u00a0 Joe laughed.<\/p>\n “Well, it\u2019s not made of marble and there are no gilded birds and animals, but I did build it.”\u00a0 Adam unlocked the door. stepped back and stretched his arm out toward Joe, palm up, inviting his brother to explore the interior.<\/p>\n Joe stared at Adam for a moment, then handed him his hat and entered alone.<\/p>\n The inside was plain but at the same time elegant.\u00a0 Simple furnishings, but each piece had intricate details carved into the woodwork.\u00a0 A fireplace made of river rock took up most of the northern wall.\u00a0 It was not unlike the one at home only it was of a scale to fit this structure.<\/p>\n Joe immediately noticed the functionality of the front room and, as his eyes adjusted to the reduced light, he saw much more.\u00a0 Despite Adam\u2019s protest that there were no gilded animals or birds, there were finely carved moldings where the walls met the ceiling; built-in furniture\u2014a table that was hinged to the wall and could be dropped down to make more room if needed; an oiled oak cabinet that appeared to offer both storage for canned goods and dishes as well as a work surface where simple pots and pans were stacked.\u00a0 Next to it was a sink and small wood stove for cooking.\u00a0 On the opposite side of the room was a drafting table covered with papers and a bin next to it filled with rolls of what Joe took to be blueprints.<\/p>\n There was an arched opening on the right side of the fireplace and Joe walked through it to discover that the fireplace had a second hearth and the area on the back side was furnished as a bedroom. \u00a0A solid, substantial and beautifully carved bedstead took up most of the room, but there was a small seating area in front of the fireplace on this side that replicated the one on the other.\u00a0 Lining the walls of the bedroom were bookshelves filled with volumes and mementos; Hoss’s animal carvings, pictures of their father and Adam’s mother and of Inger and Marie, a small engraving of a sailing ship.\u00a0 Adam\u2019s room on the Ponderosa was organized, tidy and somewhat spartan.\u00a0\u00a0 But this . . . this space was almost cluttered yet far more intimate in its chaos than Joe thought possible.\u00a0 Adam’s sanctuary.<\/em><\/p>\n Joe felt like an intruder in the sacred space and was backing up to leave when he bumped into the bed.\u00a0 Running his hands over the carved wood foot rail, and around the newels, his brows knitted together as he searched his memory for the source of familiarity. \u00a0He continued to trace the finely-polished grooves and ridges in the wood until it came to him where he had seen the pattern before . . . on the cradle Adam had made as a wedding present when he announced his intention to marry Laura White.<\/p>\n Laura had chosen a life with Joe, her childhood sweetheart, over a life with her father, much to her father\u2019s dismay and anger.\u00a0 Unbeknownst to Laura or Joe, her days were numbered and the choice as to whom she would marry and when was ultimately immaterial to the destiny that awaited her.\u00a0 When she died in his arms, Joe had been consumed with guilt and regret.\u00a0 If only they had not gotten caught in the rain; if only he had gone to her immediately after they heard the news about her fatal condition; if only she had not run all the way to the cabin; if only . . . .\u00a0 The cradle now sat shrouded in the attic at the ranch house; unused but not forgotten that it was meant to hold his child.<\/p>\n Was this why Adam asked me to come here, to this cabin, to understand that even back then I was making poor choices?<\/em><\/p>\n Joe hung his head in despair.\u00a0 It was useless to ask questions that had no answers, but he looked to the heavens nevertheless.\u00a0\u00a0 It was then that he saw the hand-carved plaque on the wall.\u00a0 \u201cFor of all sad words of tongue or pen, the saddest are these: \u2018It might have been.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n Overcome with remorse, Joe sank to his knees with a cry.<\/p>\n Remaining outside, Adam waited calmly for his brother to explore the cabin on his own, but when there was no sound forthcoming, no question, no protest, no laughter . . . nothing, he reluctantly acknowledged that he cared more deeply about what Joe thought than he had anticipated.\u00a0 His patience exhausted and figuring his brother had had enough time to explore, Adam decided to investigate what was taking so long.\u00a0 All was silent when he crossed the threshold but then he heard a gut-wrenching cry.\u00a0 Joe was not in the front room which meant he could only be one place.\u00a0 In three steps he rushed through the archway to the back room and was alarmed to see Joe kneeling on the floor, his forehead pressed into his hands which were gripping the footrail of the bed.<\/p>\n “Joe?”<\/p>\n Adam knelt beside his brother, placing a hand on his shoulders.<\/p>\n “Why Adam?”\u00a0 Joe slapped away the hand and turned toward his brother\u2014not with anguish but with anger.\u00a0 “Why did you bring me here?\u00a0 You’ve been working so hard to convince me that the nightmare was over and that I had to move on.\u00a0 Yet all you’ve done is remind me Wellencamp was right . . . I’ve made wrong choices my whole life.”<\/p>\n “No, Joe.\u00a0 No!”\u00a0 Adam tried to take hold of his brother again, but Joe was already on his feet and pushed Adam to the floor as he swept past on his way through the arch. \u00a0Adam rolled quickly, grabbing Joe’s ankle, causing him to stumble. \u00a0Joe\u2019s face hit the archway hard, but the wall had broken his fall forward and he was able to pivot on the other foot launching himself at Adam with a growl.<\/p>\n The brothers wrestled, tumbling over the bed and onto the other side, knocking books off the nightstand and shelves.\u00a0 Still concerned about his brother\u2019s physical condition, Adam restrained himself from all out warfare, but after two of Joe’s wicked left hooks connected with his jaw and he felt the taut and well-developed muscles rippling beneath the bear hug he tried in order to pin Joe’s arms, Adam knew he was engaged in a no-holds barred fight to the finish.<\/p>\n They continued to battle their way through to the front room, out the door and into the meadow.\u00a0 In the beginning, Joe gave better than he got not only because he was angry at Adam, but also because he was, in his mind, fighting the Shadow as well.\u00a0 However, his stamina ebbed sooner than expected and he began throwing wild punches, flinging his arms, failing to keep his elbows in\u2014everything Adam and Hoss had taught him not to do.<\/p>\n Older brother sensed immediately that the kid was beginning to tire.\u00a0 Overcoming the urge to beat the pulp out of him for the unprovoked attack, he exerted significant restraint so as not to hurt Joe.\u00a0 At last they were both lying on the ground, exhausted.\u00a0 Adam recovered first and staggered back into the cabin to get water and check the damage.<\/p>\n His mouth was bleeding, although he didn’t think any teeth had loosened.\u00a0 One eye was bruised and already turning black and his jaw was barely working.\u00a0 He felt his ribs and decided nothing was broken although he thought it advisable to bind them nonetheless.\u00a0 Adam ripped a clean cloth from the cupboard into strips and then wrapped his chest carefully, tying the ends in a knot.\u00a0 The remaining strips were placed in a bowl of water to which he added some witch hazel.<\/p>\n After doctoring himself, Adam carried the bowl, towels, some salve, and a bottle of liquor outside and sank into the grass beside his brother who was still unconscious.\u00a0 Adam remove a cloth from the bowl, wrung it out and began wiping Joe’s face gently blotting the eyebrow which was always the first to bleed.\u00a0 If I had a dollar for every time this eyebrow has opened up, I would be a wealthy man.<\/em><\/p>\n Under his brother’s ministrations, Joe’s eyes fluttered.\u00a0 He slowly bent his knees and rolled to his side groaning.<\/p>\n “Welcome back, kid.”<\/p>\n “Who ya callin’ a kid, old man?” he said as he sat up.\u00a0 The action brought on a wave of nausea which fortunately passed.<\/p>\n “Here.”\u00a0 Adam held out the bottle.<\/p>\n “You tryin’ ta get me drunk?”<\/p>\n “Purely medicinal.\u00a0 Go ahead, take a swig; it will help.”<\/p>\n The look Joe gave Adam was skeptical, but he took the bottle and swallowed, choking at the strength.\u00a0\u00a0 It was Pa’s good stuff, not pulque.\u00a0 Coughing, he handed the bottle back and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand.<\/p>\n “Ow, that hurts.”<\/p>\n “Let me see.\u201d\u00a0 Adam scooted over to examine his brother closer.\u00a0\u201cYou\u2019re all right.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhat do you know . . . you can\u2019t even see.\u201d<\/p>\n “I have no idea what you are talking about.\u00a0 Help me here, Joe.\u00a0 Why are you so angry?”<\/p>\n Adam looked hard at his brother and saw his narrowed eyes had turned a steely grey green and were piercing in their intensity. \u00a0He was breathing hard, almost panting and his jaw was clenched shut, his lips in a thin line.\u00a0 Adam was shocked at how old Joe looked in that instant; old and worn down; older than their pa; older than time itself\u2014and for a moment time stood still.\u00a0\u00a0 Is that grey in Joe’s hair?<\/em><\/p>\n Eventually, Joe blinked and focused on something unseen\u2014a distant memory perhaps, painful enough in its intensity to fill his eyes with tears at the mere recollection.<\/p>\n “What?\u00a0 Do you remember something?\u00a0 Something to do with Silas?” Adam asked.<\/p>\n Joe hung his head, but there was a slight shake. “No.\u00a0 You.”<\/p>\n “Me?”<\/p>\n “Why did you bring me here?”<\/p>\n “I told you.\u00a0 To show you . . . this place, this meadow, the cabin.\u00a0 I thought you’d like to see it.”<\/p>\n “Why?”\u00a0 Before Adam could answer, Joe went on.\u00a0 “Does Pa know about this?”<\/p>\n “No.”<\/p>\n “Hoss?”\u00a0 The look on Adam’s face told Joe he hadn’t.”<\/p>\n “So I’m the only one you saw fit to ‘share’ this place with?\u00a0 Why?\u00a0 Is there another lesson here for me to absorb?\u00a0 Some pearl of wisdom from the all mighty Saint Adam cast before swine?”<\/p>\n “That’s uncalled for AND unfair.”<\/p>\n “Is it?\u00a0 You’re so much better than me.\u00a0 Mr. Perfect.\u00a0 Never makes a wrong move.\u00a0 Always chooses right\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n “Enough!”\u00a0 Adam growled.<\/p>\n “Damn straight it’s enough,” Joe said, getting to his feet.\u00a0 “I’ve had enough . . . enough of you!\u00a0 You’ve been lecturing me for months, giving me the benefit of your years of experience and all mighty higher education.\u00a0 Kant, Kierkegaard, Schopenhauer . . . what a crock of shit that was.\u00a0\u00a0 You want me to get over it; why don’t you get over it?\u00a0 You’re more obsessed with what happened to me than I am.\u00a0 Who’s spooked by Shadows now, huh?\u00a0 Oh that’s right.\u00a0 .\u00a0 He’s dead, but there’s no body.\u00a0 Ha!\u00a0 Get it?\u00a0 No body.\u00a0 Nobody.\u00a0 So what’s to worry about . . . nothing . . . nothing but shadows wherever I go.”\u00a0 And with that Joe pivoted on his heel and ran.<\/p>\n “Joe!” Adam rose and sprinted after him but pulled up short when he couldn’t get his breath.\u00a0 All he could do was bend over, his hands on his knees.\u00a0 Only Joe could elevate his blood pressure this way.<\/p>\n Get yourself under control.\u00a0 Think, Adam.\u00a0 He was fine on the trip up.\u00a0 Cautious, but not worried; following without question. \u00a0It wasn’t the climb or the pass through the cliff, or the meadow.\u00a0 No, he loved the meadow and the horses.\u00a0 He hasn’t ridden with such abandon in nearly a year. <\/em><\/p>\n Calmer now, Adam straightened his back and walked down toward the stream where they had left the horses.\u00a0 Sure enough Cochise was gone. He scanned the meadow for the mustangs, but they were gone, too.\u00a0 A soft whinny brought him back to the present and he absentmindedly stroked the horse’s sleek neck.\u00a0 “No, Sport.\u00a0 I’ll not chase him.\u00a0 Not this time.”\u00a0 Yet he remained transfixed, watching for movement where there was none.\u00a0 Reluctantly, Adam slid down the slight bank to the stream.\u00a0 After soaking his handkerchief in the cool water, he wrung it out, wiped the sweat from the back of his neck and then held the cold cloth to the right side of his jaw.\u00a0 Damn, that kid can hit!<\/em>\u00a0 Gazing at the cabin from a distance, he pondered the reason for his brother\u2019s anger.\u00a0 Could it be the cabin?\u00a0 No.\u00a0 He admired the design; commented favorably on the workmanship; noticed details I didn’t think he would.\u00a0 The fact that I built it at all?\u00a0 Maybe. \u00a0What would that signify to him?\u00a0 That I wanted some privacy; a place to call my own?\u00a0 Would he find that so strange?\u00a0 No.\u00a0 He of all people would understand; he’s gone off by himself often enough.\u00a0 Something in the cabin then.\u00a0 Possibly.\u00a0 How does his mind work? THINK!\u00a0\u00a0 I’ve read his journal.\u00a0 He’s all over the place, personifying inanimate objects . . . shadows . . . hunger, attaching more meaning to them than warranted.\u00a0 What was it I said to him just last week? Sometimes a rock is just a rock, Joe, don’t make it out to be more than that.\u00a0 Well, this rock has become a mountain.\u00a0 <\/em><\/p>\n Adam shook his head and began the slow walk back.\u00a0 With each step he thought through again Joe’s movements from the time they arrived until he heard that guttural scream.\u00a0 By the time the cabin was visible he had eliminated everything except the contents of the cabin, but he was no closer to solving the mystery of what had set Joe off. The blueprints?\u00a0 No, he’s seen blueprints before.\u00a0 What else is in there?\u00a0 Not much . . . benches, a bed, a cupboard, books, pictures, a miniature oil portrait of my parents on their wedding day.<\/em><\/p>\n Once again he stopped and surveyed the meadow.\u00a0 Still nothing, but he suddenly became aware of lengthening shadows as the sun disappeared behind the western cliff face.\u00a0 He was surprised by how much time had passed and cursed mildly at having let things get so out of control.\u00a0 He hadn’t planned on coming here today and brought no provisions.\u00a0 With luck there might be some canned goods in the cupboard but he knew the pickings would be slim since he hadn’t restocked from his last extended stay. \u00a0A stronger curse escaped his lips as he trudged on towards the cabin.<\/p>\n When he looked up, he had another surprise coming.\u00a0 Cochise was ground tied near the trees and there was smoke coming from the chimney.\u00a0 And meat . . . he smelled roasting meat.<\/p>\n Joe was sitting in the dirt next to the door leaning against the rock foundation.\u00a0 His left eye was swollen shut and he was sporting a bruise the size of the Ponderosa on his right cheek where it had smacked into the wall.\u00a0 Between his legs was the bottle of brandy . . . half empty.<\/p>\n “S’down,” he slurred a bit.\u00a0 “I’d say pull up a chair but Mr. Perfect failed to build one or two . . . much less a porch to put them on.”<\/p>\n “Are we going to go there again?\u00a0 If so, you can get back on your horse and\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n “\u2014and what?\u00a0 What do you want me to do, Adam?”<\/p>\n “I want you to tell me what spooked you earlier . . . and don’t give me any double talk about shadows.”<\/p>\n Joe pulled a long swallow from the bottle and handed it to his brother.\u00a0 “Wasn’t the shadow of anything.\u00a0 Was just the truth.”<\/p>\n “Joe, I don’t know what I’ve done to upset you so please tell me; let me try to make it right, whatever it is.”\u00a0 It was getting hard to see his brother’s face in the twilight but somehow he knew what would be written across it if he could . . . regret.<\/p>\n “Meat’s done,” was all Joe said as he rose stiffly and went inside.<\/p>\n The men moved a bit slow due to their injuries but with an efficiency born of repetition that comes from years spent together sharing chores.\u00a0 Adam set the table while Joe plated the roasted rabbit which he had prepared in a sauce with wild mushrooms and onions.\u00a0 He set a bowl of rice on the table and sat down on one of the benches Adam had drawn up.<\/p>\n “This is delicious.\u00a0 When did you learn to cook like this?”<\/p>\n “I’ve spent a lot of time in the kitchen with Hop Sing over the last six months.\u00a0 You pick up a thing or two.”<\/p>\n “What’s in the sauce?”<\/p>\n “Herbs . . . and brandy.”<\/p>\n Adam snorted.\u00a0 “Pa’d have a fit if he knew you used his best brandy on game.”<\/p>\n “To Pa,” Joe picked up the bottle and took a swig, passing it to Adam.<\/p>\n “To Pa, long may he live!”<\/p>\n “Long may I live if he finds out,” said Joe.<\/p>\n “Your secrets are safe with me.”<\/p>\n That seemed to sober Joe a bit.\u00a0 “Are they, Adam?”<\/p>\n “Are they what?”<\/p>\n “My secrets . . . are they safe with you?”<\/p>\n “Do you mean do I tell Pa everything?”<\/p>\n “Yeah.”<\/p>\n “You know I don’t . . . not unless you’re in danger.”<\/p>\n Joe’s response was to drink some more brandy, but he never looked away.<\/p>\n “Are you in danger, Joe?”<\/p>\n “Nah, I’m fine.\u00a0 You worry too much, big brother,” he said, slapping Adam’s back as he left the cabin to attend to nature’s call.<\/p>\n When Joe returned, Adam was putting the dishes in a bucket to be washed.<\/p>\n “I’ll do that.\u201d<\/p>\n “No.\u00a0 You cooked; I’ll clean up.\u00a0 Why don’t you start a fire?”<\/p>\n Adam took a lantern and the bucket of dishes down to the stream along with their canteens.\u00a0 When the domestic chores were done, he fed and watered the horses then tied them to a picket line for the night and walked back to the cabin.<\/p>\n After the fire caught, Joe went over to the drafting table curious as to what Adam was up to.\u00a0 On the drawing board were several blueprints for houses all lettered in Adam’s immaculate hand.\u00a0 Like the cabin, the structures were both grand in scope and simple in design.\u00a0 Again, there was an elegance about them. \u00a0As Joe flipped through the pages, he became aware of Adam leaning in the doorway, his arms folded across his chest.<\/p>\n “Is this Stick Work?”<\/p>\n Adam crossed over to Joe to see which design he was looking at.\u00a0\u00a0 “Yes,” he said, his surprise evident but unspoken.\u00a0 How did Joe know that?<\/em><\/p>\n Joe turned to the next blueprint.\u00a0 “And Gothic Revival?”<\/p>\n “Yes.”\u00a0 Unable to contain his curiosity any further, Adam asked, “How do you know about these styles, Joe?”<\/p>\n “I pay attention.”\u00a0 Seeing Adam’s eyebrow go up, Joe elaborated.\u00a0 “You like architecture; I wanted to know more about what was important to you, so I read some of your books.”\u00a0 The look on Adam’s face was one of disbelief.\u00a0 “Is that so hard to understand?”<\/p>\n “You never cease to amaze me, Joe.\u00a0 You read dime novels but can recite Coleridge; you eat liverwurst and pickle sandwiches but put together a delicious meal with practically nothing; your command of the English language is sometimes crude but you understand Cantonese.”<\/p>\n Joe shrugged.<\/p>\n \u201cYou\u2019re a dichotomy.\u201d<\/p>\n Ignoring him, Joe headed for the door.<\/p>\n \u201cWhere are you going?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cTo get my gear.\u00a0 I\u2019ll sleep outside.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYou\u2019ll do no such thing.\u00a0 The bed\u2019s big enough for two.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhy not?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cJust leave it be, Adam,\u201d Joe said, closing the door behind him on the way out.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n Despite the lack of light in the cabin, Adam awoke an hour before sunrise as was his custom.\u00a0 The lamp in the front room had been left burning low to provide Joe with a point of reference should it be needed.\u00a0 He had slept in his clothes because he was too sore to undress, plus he hadn’t wanted Joe to know about his bruised ribs.\u00a0 Kid was feeling guilty enough as it was without reminding him of the damage he had caused.\u00a0 Of course, he was feeling pretty guilty himself with Joe sleeping outside on the ground.\u00a0 Why wouldn’t he sleep in here?\u00a0 It’s not as if we haven’t shared a bed before.<\/em><\/p>\n The thought of pulling on his boots was a bit too painful to consider without a cup of coffee so he padded to the front room in his stocking feet to light the cook stove.\u00a0 He opened the chimney damper and placed crumpled up newspaper into the firebox along with a piece of kindling before striking a match.\u00a0 The newspaper caught immediately so he added more kindling and opened the air intake to get the fire going.<\/p>\n The beans he had soaked overnight were plumped and ready.\u00a0 Once the flames were hot enough, he put the pot on the stove top and adjusted the air intake until the beans were simmering.\u00a0 Coffee was next.\u00a0 Adam checked the nearly-bare cupboard and there was just enough Arbuckle’s.\u00a0 There was also one can of peaches left so he opened it and split the contents between two plates.<\/p>\n By the time he washed up, dawn had broken and the coffee was ready.\u00a0 He filled two mugs and carried one out to where his brother was sleeping near the horses in the grove of aspens.\u00a0 With a perverse sense of justice, he waived the coffee under Cochise’s nose, then left the mug on the ground near Joe and stepped back into the cabin.\u00a0 Sure enough, the whinnying started as soon as he walked away.<\/p>\n “Dadburnit, Cochise!\u00a0 Wait just a dang minute!”<\/p>\n Adam chuckled to himself and went to check on the beans.\u00a0 Serves him right.<\/em><\/p>\n By the time Joe walked into the kitchen, the food was on the table.<\/p>\n “Very funny,” he growled. \u00a0Joe in the early morning was not a pleasant prospect.\u00a0 Joe in the early morning without coffee was a nightmare.\u00a0 Adam remedied the situation by handing his brother another mug, pointing at the table and saying, “Eat.”<\/p>\n “It’s too early to eat.\u00a0 The sun’s not even up.”<\/p>\n “It is.\u00a0 Eat.”<\/p>\n The beans weren’t as good as Joe’s rabbit stew, but they were passable; they at least equaled brother Hoss’s best effort and definitely surpassed their Pa’s beans.<\/p>\n Joe rubbed his hands over his face and winced.\u00a0 “Ow!”<\/p>\n “Watch your eye.”<\/p>\n “I forgot.<\/p>\n “Why do I feel like a thousand men just walked over me?”<\/p>\n “Could be the brandy or the fist fight or sleeping on the ground or\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n “\u2014any number of reasons.\u00a0 I know, I know,” Joe groaned, all too familiar with the usual brotherly chastisements that accompanied the morning after.<\/p>\n “We need to get a move on.\u00a0 Pa was expecting us home last night and he’ll be wondering where we got to,” Adam warned.<\/p>\n “You really have never told him about this place?”<\/p>\n “Nope.”<\/p>\n “Why not?”<\/p>\n “It’s mine.”<\/p>\n “Well, I know that,” Joe said indignantly.\u00a0 “It’s not like he’s going to take away your toy for misbehaving.”<\/p>\n “You wouldn’t understand.”<\/p>\n “Grrrr.”\u00a0 At that, Joe got up from the table and went outside, presumably to do his business, but when the kid didn’t return, Adam got worried.<\/p>\n “Joe?” he called.\u00a0 No answer.\u00a0 “Joe!”\u00a0 Still no answer.\u00a0 “Confound it!”\u00a0 Adam pulled on his boots and went in search of his brother.\u00a0 He didn’t have far to go.\u00a0 Joe had crawled back into his bedroll and was sound asleep.<\/p>\n By eight o\u2019clock, Joe was awake again and in a more pleasant mood.\u00a0 Adam had cleaned up the breakfast dishes and was readying the cabin for departure.<\/p>\n \u201cAny more coffee?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNo, but there\u2019s spring water in the jug.\u00a0 Help yourself.\u00a0 I\u2019ve already filled the canteens.\u201d<\/p>\n While Adam went about stocking the wood bin with dry logs and laying crumpled newspaper and kindling in the grate, Joe drank straight from the jug and left it to dry upside down on the drain board.<\/p>\n \u201cSo where is it?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhere\u2019s what?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThe trap door.\u201d<\/p>\n Adam turned to look at him but resumed his task.<\/p>\n \u201cDon\u2019t tell me you built this cabin without a secret passage,\u201d Joe asked undeterred.<\/p>\n \u201cYou\u2019ve been reading too many dime novels.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cPa taught us to always leave an opening.\u00a0 I can\u2019t believe you\u2019d build yourself into the side of a mountain without some plan for escape.\u201d<\/p>\n Adam finished with the fireplace and stood up laughing.\u00a0 \u201cIt\u2019s behind the headboard.\u00a0 The cabin\u2019s built in front of a small cave which leads to a tunnel that comes out above the waterfall.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThere\u2019s a waterfall?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cAnd a hot spring.\u201d<\/p>\n Joe whistled.\u00a0 \u201cYou weren\u2019t kidding when you said \u2018pleasure dome.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n Adam laughed again and put his arm around Joe\u2019s shoulder.\u00a0 \u201cCome on.\u00a0 Let\u2019s get going before Pa sends out a search party.\u201d\u00a0 He closed and locked the door and then put the key under a rock near the corner foundation.<\/p>\n “I know why,” Joe said after they set out.\u00a0 For some reason it was so much easier to talk riding side by side, not looking at each other, not being affected by what was in the other person’s eyes or the look on their face, just listening.<\/p>\n “Why what?”<\/p>\n “Why you brought me here.”<\/p>\n “I told you, Joe.\u00a0 I had no ulterior purpose.\u00a0\u00a0 I only thought you would enjoy it.”<\/p>\n “It?”<\/p>\n “Xanadu.\u00a0\u00a0 You did, didn’t you?”<\/p>\n “Sure.\u00a0\u00a0 But that’s not why.”<\/p>\n “All right.\u00a0\u00a0 Why did I then?”<\/p>\n There was silence for a bit before Joe said matter-of-factly, without emotion, “You’re\u00a0 leaving.”<\/p>\n \u201cNot this again,\u201d Adam started.<\/p>\n \u201cI don\u2019t mean on a business trip,\u201d Joe said, a little sadly.\u00a0 \u201cYou\u2019re leaving for good and you\u2019re never coming back.\u201d<\/p>\n Adam frowned but his voice betrayed no emotion.\u00a0 “What makes you think that?”<\/p>\n “The words on that plank above your bed\u2014’Of all the words of tongue or pen, the saddest are these:\u00a0 it might have been.’\u00a0 At first I thought you put those words there for me to see; meant to point out all my shortcomings and wrong decisions.\u00a0 I thought you were trying to get across yet another lesson about the choices I’d made.\u00a0 When I saw the carving on the foot rail of the bed, felt it with my fingers, I knew it was the same design you had carved into the cradle\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n “\u2014cradle?” Adam interrupted.<\/p>\n “The one you made for me and Laura White as a wedding present.”\u00a0 Joe saw confusion on Adam’s face.\u00a0 Had he really forgotten?<\/em><\/p>\n It took a moment of reflection, but Adam nodded.\u00a0 “I’ve replicated that design many times since college.\u00a0 It was one I saw in New England in an antique store.\u00a0 Its graceful yet intricate at the same time.\u00a0 Hard to explain.\u00a0 I didn’t recall I’d used it on the cradle for you and Laura.”<\/p>\n “She loved it; we both did.\u00a0 When I recognized the design, it brought back so many memories; so many emotions.\u00a0 Just feeling that wood, all I could think of was all the bad decisions that led to her death.\u00a0 But most of all, I thought about the child that might have been and never was. \u00a0Never would be.\u00a0 And that’s what you heard; the sound of my heart being ripped open once again.”<\/p>\n Sport responded to a tug on the reins and slowed.\u00a0 Cochise matched his gait, his head hung low as if he could read the emotional state of his rider.<\/p>\n Adam didn’t know what to say.\u00a0 This was not what he expected to hear and he had no rejoinder planned.\u00a0 He needed a moment to pull his thoughts together and was about to say something\u2014anything\u2014just to buy some time, but Joe continued.<\/p>\n “I’m sorry I hit you, Adam.\u00a0 It wasn’t you I was fighting.\u00a0 It was . . . everything.\u00a0 Not just the last year, but all the \u2018it might have beens’ in my life.\u00a0 It hurt; the loss of not just Laura and all our dreams of a life together, but all the others, too.\u00a0 All the women I’ve loved and lost, whether it was my choice or not.”<\/p>\n “I’m sorry, too. \u00a0I didn’t mean for you to fall into the wall.\u00a0 I was just trying to stop you from running away.”<\/p>\n “I did what you expected; I ran away.\u00a0 But while I was running I started thinking about those words and what they meant and I realized you were just a convenient target.\u00a0 It was easier to rage at you than accept responsibility for my part in what\u2019s happened to me.\u00a0 So I came back.”<\/p>\n The horses walked sedately, in tune with the low hum of conversation and no more inclined today to run than their riders were.<\/p>\n “What do the words mean to you?” Adam asked finally.<\/p>\n They continued in silence for a time.\u00a0 Adam could almost hear the wheels turning in Joe\u2019s head, wondering if he could trust his secrets to his older brother.<\/p>\n “The words aren’t about regret for choices made that don’t turn out the way we’d planned.”\u00a0 Joe looked sideways, to see Adam’s reaction, but there was none.<\/p>\n “Go on,” was all his brother said.<\/p>\n Joe took a deep breath and proceeded.\u00a0 “They’re about missing the chance to make a choice . . . of any kind\u2014right or wrong.\u00a0 That is ultimately the saddest thing; making no choice at all.”<\/p>\n Joe pulled up on the reins and turned Cochise around so he was facing Adam.\u00a0 “I think you brought me here to bear witness to what you had built, to show me Xanadu, yes, but more than that . . . to show me your designs because you wanted . . . because you needed someone to tell you to take a chance on making them real.\u00a0 What was that Latin word Abigail Jones was always spouting?\u201d<\/p>\n “Carpe diem<\/em>.\u00a0 Seize the day.”<\/p>\n “Yeah,” Joe held Adam’s gaze, “You needed me to tell you it’s time for you to seize the day and live your life.”<\/p>\n “I am living my life,” Adam protested.<\/p>\n “No,\u201d Joe said firmly.\u00a0 \u201cYou\u2019re not.\u00a0 You’re living the life Pa chose for you.”<\/p>\n “He didn’t choose; I came back here after college of my own volition.”<\/p>\n “True, but you have stayed long after you wanted to go.\u201d<\/p>\n Adam shook his head. \u201cThat\u2019s not true.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cIsn\u2019t it?\u00a0 Are you really staying here because you want to?\u00a0 Or is it because you think it\u2019s what we expect?\u00a0 If I recall, you asked Laura Dayton to marry you because you thought it was what was expected.\u00a0 Weren’t you secretly relieved when Laura and Cousin Will absolved you of that choice?”<\/p>\n “Watch it!” Adam warned.<\/p>\n Joe held up a hand in peace.\u00a0 “I’m not trying to start another fight, Adam.\u00a0 You asked what the words meant to me.\u00a0 And I\u2019m telling you what I saw in that cabin.\u00a0 You\u2019re always talking about having epiphanies about stuff.\u00a0 Well, that\u2019s the epiphany I had . . . understanding what I saw and what those words represented.”<\/p>\n “And what was that exactly?”<\/p>\n “Hunger.\u00a0 With a capital H.”<\/p>\n Adam continued to stare at Joe, his arm crossed over the pommel.\u00a0 “Personification again?” he said with a touch of sarcasm.<\/p>\n “Yes,” Joe replied.\u00a0 Cochise sensed the change in his rider and became antsy, dancing around Sport, who remained stock still.\u00a0 Joe didn\u2019t try to rein the paint in, instead letting his horse circle not once, but twice.\u00a0 When he had come around for the second time, Joe again looked his brother full in the face.<\/p>\n “The Hunger that gnawed at me while I was captive had a name…let\u2019s call it Desire.\u00a0\u00a0 Desire to save my family.\u00a0 Your Hunger has a name, too.\u00a0 I think Discontent is its name.\u00a0\u00a0 When did that start, Adam?\u00a0 How long has the Hunger of Discontent been gnawing at you?\u00a0 How long has the Discontent been growing inside you?<\/p>\n \u201cThat\u2019s enough.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNo, it\u2019s not.\u00a0 When did it start, huh?\u00a0 Has it always been there or was something\u2014what was the word you used\u2014oh, yeah\u2014the \u2018genesis\u2019 of the Hunger. \u00a0Was it when you started building that house for your Laura\u2019s wedding present?\u00a0 Was it the act of designing the house that unleashed the Hunger in you? \u00a0Or was it after she dumped you for Cousin Will?\u00a0 You started building this cabin after they left, didn’t you?\u00a0 You couldn\u2019t climb ladders anymore after you fell while lifting those rafter beams so you started building something low and sleek. \u00a0Were you using innovative designs and materials to feed the Hunger inside you?\u00a0 All those sketches and blueprints . . . were they the sugar that sweetened the meal?”<\/p>\n Joe saw the barely-restrained anger in his brother’s eyes, the locked jaw, the balled fists.\u00a0 No doubt his tongue is nearly chewed off by now.<\/em>\u00a0 Regardless, Joe had come this far and knew he had to finish what he started because he might never have the chance again.<\/p>\n “The only way you’ll satisfy the Hunger, Adam, is to feed it.\u201d<\/p>\n Now Sport was restless as Adam\u2019s legs gripped the steed in an effort to contain his temper which was rising.\u00a0 \u201cAnd what\u2014in your infinite wisdom\u2014would I feed it with, pray tell,\u201d he seethed.<\/p>\n \u201cGo be an architect if that\u2019s what you want!\u00a0 Or travel.\u00a0 Go with Sam Clemens to Europe like he asked you to.\u201d\u00a0 Joe saw the flicker of surprise cross Adam\u2019s face.\u00a0 \u201cYes, I know about the invitation.\u00a0 I know you turned it down because of me.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cIt wasn\u2019t you.\u00a0 I didn\u2019t want to go.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cOh, really?\u00a0 Then how come you started pouring over all those travel books and reading up on Italianate Houses, French and German Colonials, and Greek Revivals?\u00a0 You\u2019re Hungry, Adam.\u00a0\u00a0 Go to Boston, or Chicago, or London . . . or Timbuktu for that matter.\u00a0 Just go somewhere and be what you were meant to be.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI can\u2019t leave, I promised\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cBull.\u00a0 You can and we won\u2019t stop you. Pa, Hoss, me\u2014none of us\u2014would want you to look back at the end of your life and be sad over all you passed up.\u00a0 If there is something you want to do, do it now; there are only so many tomorrows, you know.\u00a0 Don’t look back with regret at the opportunities you missed because you were too busy taking care of everybody else\u2019s needs and ignoring your own.\u00a0 Make a choice, Adam.\u00a0 Choose to live your life the way YOU want.\u00a0 Not what Pa wants; not what I or Hoss want.\u00a0 You; what you want with no be-sorrys and no regrets.\u00a0 Don\u2019t become a bitter old man because the life you dreamed about passed you by while you were so busy being what you thought everyone else needed.<\/p>\n \u201cSure, I need you.\u00a0 Hoss needs you.\u00a0 You\u2019re our big brother, the smart one, the sensible one, the one who was both mother and father to us for more years than I can count and far more years than you should have been.\u00a0 But we\u2019re strong because you made us that way.\u00a0\u00a0 We\u2019ll survive your absence, but we would never survive your death from despair.\u00a0 The window of opportunity is only going to be open for so long.\u00a0 If you don\u2019t seize it now, it will vanish and then how will you feel?\u00a0 I\u2019ll tell you . . . resentful.\u00a0 You\u2019ll wind up hating yourself and then us when you realize something that could have happened didn\u2019t happen because you didn\u2019t take that first step.\u201d<\/p>\n The color had slowly drained from Adam’s face during Joe\u2019s rant.\u00a0 Never had anyone seen so clearly into his soul as this.\u00a0\u00a0 Pa and Hoss had come close on several occasions, but he had always managed to drop a veil before revealing too much to them.\u00a0 He never, in all his born days, expected it would be his kid brother who would reach right into his gut and pull out for all the world to see that which he desired most . . .the freedom to choose a different path with no regrets.<\/p>\n \u201cYou\u2019re quite a man, Joe,\u201d he whispered.\u00a0 When he saw the look on his brother’s face, Adam thought his volatile younger brother was about to fly off the handle again.\u00a0 Instead, Joe turned away.\u00a0 When he turned back, his eyes were brimming.<\/p>\n “That’s the first time you’ve ever called me a man to my face.”\u00a0 When the quizzical look on Adam\u2019s face registered, he added, “Kid, buddy, fella . . . but never ‘man.'”<\/p>\n “You’ve always been my kid brother; it\u2019s hard to think of you any other way.”<\/p>\n “And you’ve always been ‘old’ to me.\u201d\u00a0 Joe chuckled.\u00a0 \u201cHoss always said the truth was somewhere in the middle and we were more alike than we knew.\u201d<\/p>\n A hawk called overhead and again the brothers watched its graceful soaring.<\/p>\n \u201cThank you, Adam.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cFor?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cFor all you did for me this past year; for sharing your sanctuary with me; most of all, for riding free with me in the meadow yesterday.\u00a0 I know sentimental stuff offends your sensibilities\u2014but I\u2019m going to tell you anyway, brother.\u00a0 I love you.\u00a0 I love you enough to let you go . . . with a full heart and no regrets.\u201d<\/p>\n And with that, Joe urged Cochise forward and went through the pass alone.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n Joe rode home but not directly.\u00a0 For the first time in a long, long while, he was alone\u2014truly alone.\u00a0 He made a decision without hesitation; choosing the route that would take him the long way home, taking his time, enjoying the ride along the lakeshore.\u00a0 At one point he stopped and just gazed out over the water.\u00a0 The day was one of the most perfect he\u2019d ever experienced.\u00a0 As he was watching blue herons hover above the water searching for their noon meal, the sun\u2019s rays struck the surface at such a precise angle that the waves looked like cut diamonds and sparkled with such intensity that Joe could almost believe the water was on fire.\u00a0 He held his breath and watched without blinking until the earth moved on its axis just a fraction and the fire was gone.\u00a0 Carpe momento.<\/em>\u00a0 The moment would be etched in his mind forever.<\/p>\n Would he always look back and remember that it was a perfect day when he sent Adam away?\u00a0 Even though there was no way of knowing if his brother would actually leave just because he told him to; he sensed today was a turning point in their lives.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n Ben was working on the books in his study when he heard the rapid clip clop of hoof beats that could only mean his youngest son was home.\u00a0 He smiled absent-mindedly and then realized with a start that he hadn\u2019t heard that sound in a year.\u00a0 A turning point! <\/em>\u00a0\u00a0Adam was right; this little respite did Joe some good!\u00a0 <\/em><\/p>\n Joe had already unsaddled Cochise and was brushing him down by the time Ben crossed the yard and entered the barn.<\/p>\n \u201cJoe!\u00a0 Good to have you ho\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cHi, Pa!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cJoseph!\u00a0 What in the world happened to you?!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWha\u2014?\u00a0\u00a0 Oh, my eye.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cAnd your face!\u201d\u00a0 Ben was at Joe\u2019s side instantly grasping his chin tenderly and turning his face from side to side.<\/p>\n \u201cReally, Pa, it\u2019s okay.\u00a0 I ran into a wall, that\u2019s all.\u00a0 Adam doctored me up good.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhat about your eye . . . and your eyebrow?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cOh, well, I ran into Adam\u2019s fist first, that\u2019s all.\u00a0\u00a0 Nothing I haven\u2019t done before,\u201d Joe said matter-of-factly.<\/p>\n \u201cNothing you haven\u2019t done before,\u201d Ben repeated.\u00a0 \u201cI thought you boys had grown beyond fisticuffs to settle your differences.\u00a0 Adam, what were . . . where\u2019s Adam?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cAh, he had some thinking to do, I think.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYou think.\u00a0 You don\u2019t know?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNope.\u00a0 But he\u2019ll be along soon.\u00a0 Boy, am I starving.\u00a0 Nothing but trail food last night and this morning.\u00a0 Is that roast pork I smell?\u201d\u00a0 Joe put the curry brushes down and started to head toward the house but Ben grabbed his arm.<\/p>\n \u201cJust a minute, young man.\u00a0 Where have you two been?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cLike I said, Pa, just camping out, talking.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cAnd you\u2019re sure you\u2019re all right?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cPerfect, Pa.\u00a0 It was a glorious day!\u00a0 I\u2019m gonna wash up, okay?\u00a0 See you at the table.\u201d<\/p>\n Ben stood bewildered and watched his son walk away.\u00a0 There was something Joe wasn\u2019t saying\u2014he could always tell\u2014but there was no denying that his son was in a better frame of mind than he had been in many months.\u00a0 There was a spring in his step, too.\u00a0 Whatever had transpired between the brothers, must have been resolved because Joe wouldn\u2019t have been so upbeat had it not. \u00a0On the other hand, it remained to be seen what sort of mood his oldest would be in when he got home.<\/p>\n The wait was a long one.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n Ben finally gave up and went to bed around 2 a.m. \u00a0When there was no Adam at breakfast, he yelled at Hoss.\u00a0 \u201cGo wakeup, Joe!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cAdam\u2019s not back yet?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNo.\u00a0 And your brother knows something he\u2019s not telling.\u00a0 Go get him.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYes, sir.\u201d\u00a0\u00a0 Hoss looked longingly at his plate.\u00a0 I sure do hate cold eggs.<\/em><\/p>\n Hoss knocked softly but entered without waiting for a reply.\u00a0 Joe was curled up sound asleep with the blankets twisted around him.\u00a0 The bruise on his cheek was turning sort of a sickly yellow green and Hoss made a face.<\/p>\n Jiggling the bed with his knee, he called Joe\u2019s name.\u00a0 When there was no response, he filled a glass with water from the basin and then flicked drops at Joe until he stirred.<\/p>\n \u201cWhaa?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cGet up Joe.\u00a0 Pa\u2019s fit to be tied.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhy?\u201d Joe yawned.<\/p>\n \u201cAdam\u2019s not home yet.\u201d<\/p>\n That got Joe\u2019s attention and he sat up quickly.<\/p>\n \u201cYou want to tell me what really happened?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhat do you mean?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cCome on . . . this is ol\u2019 Hoss.\u00a0 You can tell me.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThere\u2019s nothin\u2019 to tell, Hoss.\u00a0 Now let me sleep.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cOh, no you don\u2019t little brother.\u201d\u00a0 Hoss grabbed the covers and threw them off the end of the bed.\u00a0 \u201cYou\u2019re not leavin\u2019 me alone downstairs with Pa, and I\u2019m not stayin\u2019 up here with you when there\u2019s breakfast on the table.\u201d<\/p>\n Joe groaned.<\/p>\n \u201cCome on now.<\/p>\n “Okay, I’m up.”<\/p>\n Hoss didn’t look entirely convinced.<\/p>\n “Really.\u00a0 You can go back to your breakfast.\u00a0 Tell Pa I’ll be down in a minute.\u00a0 And don\u2019t hog all the bacon!”<\/p>\n That seemed to satisfy Hoss and he left to do as he was bid but before going downstairs, he turned at the door to make sure Joe got out of bed.<\/p>\n Joe could actually see his reflection in the mirror with both eyes this morning\u2014that was an improvement.\u00a0 His cheek was an odd mixture of unappetizing colors and a quick but light rub over his face told him it was still too tender for a shave.\u00a0\u00a0 He decided a quick splash would have to do.\u00a0 As he dressed, he debated what to say to Pa.\u00a0 Now that Joe thought about it, Adam had been moving kind of slow.\u00a0 Was it possible he was hurt?\u00a0 Joe couldn’t remember the fight clearly such was his anger at the time.\u00a0 A glance at his bruised knuckles told him that he had gotten a couple of good punches in and when they’d fallen off the bed, he knew Adam had absorbed the brunt of the impact, hitting the ground first with Joe falling on top of him.\u00a0 He thought he remembered pummeling his brother’s chest pretty hard then, too.\u00a0 More sobering than that was the thought Adam might have really taken leave of home and family right then and there. Without saying goodbye?\u00a0 Would he do that? <\/em>\u00a0Joe blew air out his cheeks, took a deep breath and headed down to breakfast.<\/p>\n “Pa,” he called from the foot of the stairs.<\/p>\n “Sit down Joseph, your breakfast is getting cold.”\u00a0 Breakfast wasn’t the only thing that was growing cold; Ben’s words were almost icy.<\/p>\n “Pa, can I talk to you a minute?”<\/p>\n Ben paused with his fork in mid-air, about to say something, but observing Joe’s posture, he decided against it.\u00a0 Joe was standing tall and straight, shoulders squared, feet wide a part as though he were bracing for something.\u00a0 “Hoss, please excuse me.”<\/p>\n “Sure, Pa.”\u00a0 Hoss looked at his brother for a clue as to what he was doing, but he was unreadable.\u00a0 Like I been sayin\u2019, more like Adam every day.<\/em><\/p>\n Joe had already headed into the study area and was looking out the window with his thumbs tucked behind him in the waistband of his pants.<\/p>\n Ben sat down in his leather desk chair and said, “Does this have to do with the fight you two had?”<\/p>\n Joe decided to forego his concern over Adam’s health for right now.\u00a0 Pa could get really worked up about stuff like that and if he thought any one of his sons were hurt, well . . . even a mama bear couldn’t be more protective than Pa.\u00a0 He gambled that Adam was all right and merely said, “Not exactly.”<\/p>\n “And what do you mean by that EXACTLY.”<\/p>\n “We worked it out.”<\/p>\n It was obvious to Ben there was more or Joe wouldn’t have asked to speak with him.\u00a0 He waited, but Joe didn’t seem anxious to begin, or rather, didn’t seem to know where to begin as he was chewing on his lip.<\/p>\n “I committed the family to a position without talking to you first.”<\/p>\n “I see,” but Ben didn’t really.\u00a0 “You remember, of course, that I’ve given you all the authority to commit the resources of the Ponderosa when you feel it necessary.\u00a0 We share equally in the outcome of any venture\u2014profitable or otherwise.”<\/p>\n “I know, Pa . . . but this wasn’t a business venture.”<\/p>\n “Oh?”<\/p>\n \u201cIt was something I said to Adam.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI don\u2019t understand.\u201d<\/p>\n “I think what I said to Adam was right,” Joe hesitated a bit, but then was more forceful as he continued.\u00a0 “I know in my gut I was right, but I said you and Hoss would agree with me and . . . and I had no right to do that . . . to speak for you, I mean.\u00a0 I’m sorry.\u00a0 I’m hoping you will back me up, but I, uh, . . . I’ll understand if you don’t.”<\/p>\n “And what was it you said to him?”<\/p>\n “I can’t tell you.”<\/p>\n “You can’t tell me.\u00a0 Does this have something to do with Adam not coming home with you last night?”<\/p>\n “Uh . . . maybe?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cMaybe?\u00a0 Could you be more specific, please.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI guess he’s thinking about what I said.\u00a0 What I asked him to do . . . and not do.”<\/p>\n “Well that’s clear as mud.”<\/p>\n “I know, Pa, I’m sorry, but I’d be violating\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n “\u2014I know . . . the Brothers\u2019 Code, is that it?”<\/p>\n “Yeah.\u00a0 You understand then?” Joe asked hopefully.<\/p>\n “Let me see if have this right.\u00a0 Despite my misgivings about this campout, I let Adam talk me into taking you off the Ponderosa.\u00a0 Now you tell me that you and he had an argument that turned into a fight where you both\u2014I presume from looking at you, you both were injured\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n “\u2014I’m fine, Pa\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n “\u2014Let me finish, please!”\u00a0 This request was accompanied by a raised eyebrow. “Where you both were injured.\u00a0 You tell me that you made peace with your brother and yet you returned to the house alone.\u00a0 Adam has still not come home and you believe he is \u2018thinking\u2019 about what you said to him, the contents of which statement or statements you will not divulge, yet you want me to support you unconditionally.\u00a0 Is that about it?”<\/p>\n “Uh, yeah.\u00a0 That about sums it up.”\u00a0 The earnestness with which Joe pleaded, not in words so much as with his eyes, was hard to ignore.<\/p>\n “Is this one of your hunches, then?”<\/p>\n Joe thought a moment.\u00a0 He had often had gut feelings about events or people that proved right when everyone else thought differently.\u00a0\u00a0 So did his Pa.\u00a0 They were alike in that respect.\u00a0 He knew his Pa had come to appreciate his hunches over the years, so he nodded his head.\u00a0 “Yes, Pa.\u00a0 I had a hunch and I acted without thinking.\u00a0 I may be wrong, but I don’t believe so.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n The next morning Adam was sitting at the table when the family came down for breakfast. No explanation was offered for his disappearance or reappearance and none was asked, though Ben was sorely tempted.\u00a0 Instead he took his place at the head of the table and asked Hop Sing for some juice.<\/p>\n Hoss was his usual self, accepting Adam’s presence with equanimity and immediately launching into a retelling of the trials of cleaning out a stream blocked by a beaver dam all by himself.<\/p>\n When Joe came down, he crossed the great room and gave Adam a squeeze on the shoulder before sitting down and filling his plate with ham, eggs and potatoes.<\/p>\n Ben was aware of the physical contact Joe initiated and held his breath awaiting his oldest’s reaction.\u00a0 Adam said nothing but responded to Joe with a slight wave of his coffee cup before forking more bacon onto his plate.\u00a0 Exhaling, Ben relaxed and tore into his breakfast with relish.\u00a0 After Hoss had finished his tale of woe related to dams and muck removal, Ben related the latest crisis at the town council meeting, drawing a smile from Adam and outright guffaws from Joe and Hoss\u2014especially when Ben got to the part about the Widow Hawkins’ insistence on Ben accompanying her to the Ladies Aid Society’s Benefit for Orphans and Indigent Children. \u00a0After all, he WAS chairman of the board of the school district and a member of the City Council. \u00a0The more he connived and contrived to get out of the engagement, the deeper he was mired. So, at last he graciously agreed to escort her, much to the displeasure of the Widow Stevens. It was going to be a LONG school year if he couldn’t find something\u2014or someone\u2014else to keep these ladies occupied.<\/p>\n Joe suggested he court both of them at the same time.\u00a0 Hoss agreed because he dearly loved the Widow Stevens’ plum preserves and was hoping she would favor his Pa with a case or two.\u00a0 Hop Sing, of course, overheard this comment and had a conniption in Cantonese which set Joe off again his high-pitched giggle echoing throughout the house.<\/p>\n If playing the buffoon in a ridiculous farce was the cause of the good mood around the table this morning, Ben didn’t mind.\u00a0 It was good to have all his sons home.<\/p>\n \u201cHow would you feel about going to town, son?” Ben asked.<\/p>\n “Sure, Pa. When do you want to leave?”<\/p>\n “You’ll have to go alone. I have to meet Chet Perkins in Carson City and Adam and Hoss will be going up to the mill to check on that order for the International House renovation. Do you mind?” This would be the first time in over six months that Joe had gone to town by himself but after his campout with Adam had turned out all right, Ben decided to encourage Joe to range further from the ranch house.\u00a0 Joe\u2019s confidence and self-possession appeared to be returning.<\/p>\n “Sure, Pa. What do you need me to do?”<\/p>\n Although Ben observed a momentary hiccup in his son’s demeanor, he was pleased when Joe agreed heartily enough.\u00a0 “Take these contracts to Hiram Wood and then I’d like you to stop at the bank and check on those wire transfers from the Army. The monies should have been received last week, but weren’t.\u00a0 If there’s a problem, I want to know about it sooner rather than later. We won’t be delivering that beef without payment in full; not after the billing dispute with Ft. Churchill last year.”<\/p>\n “Got it.\u00a0 Anything else?”<\/p>\n “Get a haircut!”<\/p>\n Joe blanched at that request but merely mumbled noncommittally, took the contracts and left to saddle his horse.<\/p>\n Adam, who was descending the stairs and overheard the last exchange said, “Do you think that was wise?”<\/p>\n “Sending him to town?”<\/p>\n “No, he’ll be fine in town.”<\/p>\n “What then?”<\/p>\n “Sending him to the barber.”<\/p>\n At first Ben had no idea what Adam was talking about and then it hit him . . . Joe had been kidnapped from the barbershop in Placerville and that was the beginning of the nightmare they’d all been living for the last year.\u00a0 How could I have been so blind?<\/em><\/p>\n “Look, it will take him a while to complete the other tasks.\u00a0 Why don’t I go with Hoss to the mill to check the amount of board feet we have already.\u00a0 I\u2019ll make any needed adjustments and then leave him to deal with the International House representatives while I go into town to make sure Joe’s all right.”<\/p>\n “You don’t think he’ll object to the molly codling?”<\/p>\n “Oh, I can think of one or two reasons he might believe I’d sneak into town without our father’s knowledge . . . ,” Adam winked.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n It was sunny and clear at the Ponderosa, but the closer Joe got to Virginia City, the murkier the sky became. The blasting from the mines threw a lot of dust and debris into the air and the noise from the stamp mills was intense.\u00a0 Joe’s head began to throb in time to the rhythm of the machinery.<\/p>\n Attorney Hiram Wood had been the Cartwrights\u2019 business lawyer since the Cartwrights first came to the Territory.\u00a0 A middle-aged man with greying hair and a bit of a paunch, he was often underestimated by his adversaries.\u00a0 The man was, however, a shrewd lawyer and ingenious to boot.\u00a0 His knowledge of real estate and contract law had enabled the Cartwrights to amass a number of diverse holdings and build an incredible portfolio of investments.<\/p>\n Hiram was busy with a client so Joe had to wait in the outer office for a good forty-five minutes until he was free. The wait was no chore as it appeared the estimable Mr. Wood had hired himself a pretty young thing to mind the store while he was busy.\u00a0 She was shorter than Joe by half a foot and had curves in all the right places. Her straight auburn hair was pulled off her face with combs, gathered at the nape of her neck with a twist and then cascaded down her back in gentle curls. There was a little mole on the side of her neck just below her earlobe that Joe decided he would like to nibble if only she would only give him the time of day.\u00a0 No matter how often he tried to engage her in conversation, however, the young woman was intent on her tasks and paid him no never mind.\u00a0 It was only after he concluded his business with the attorney and was about to leave that the lovely young lady looked up and blushed, her peaches and cream complexion glowing with heat.<\/p>\n “Excuse me, Miss . . .?”<\/p>\n “Smith.\u00a0 Pamela Smith.”<\/p>\n “Well, Miss Pamela Smith. \u00a0Would you care to have lunch with me? I assure you I am a very reputable young man with excellent credentials as Mr. Wood can attest.”<\/p>\n “What am I attesting to, Joseph?” Hiram said as he came out of his office and placed a stack of filing on Pamela’s desk.”<\/p>\n “The stellar reputation of a gentleman and a scholar, of course.”<\/p>\n “That would Adam Cartwright you would be referring to, would it not?”<\/p>\n Joe clutched his heart in mock distress. “Mr. Wood! You cut me to the quick!”<\/p>\n Hiram laughed. “Let me introduce you to my niece, Joe.\u00a0 Pamela, this flirtatious rogue is Joseph Cartwright, son of Ben Cartwright of the Ponderosa.”<\/p>\n “Pleased to meet you, Mr. Cartwright,” Pamela replied and curtsied prettily.<\/p>\n Joe was smitten.<\/p>\n “Joe, that’s a very kind invitation. Pamela is only just arrived in Virginia City and doesn’t know many people. I’m afraid her old uncle keeps her shackled to this desk for too many hours each day.\u00a0 She should be out and about more, enjoying life.”<\/p>\n “Uncle!”<\/p>\n “Forgive me, my dear, I don’t mean to answer for you when it comes to luncheon engagements.”<\/p>\n “I would be delighted, Mr. Cartwright.”<\/p>\n “Joe. Just call me Joe,” he said, extending his arm in greeting and then bringing her fingertips to his lips.<\/p>\n Hiram was bemused by Joe\u2019s show of gallantry, but confident that his niece would be in good hands.\u00a0 A Cartwright\u2014any Cartwright, including the Don Juan of the family\u2014was above reproach when it came to respecting women.<\/p>\n “Just have her back by 2 p.m., Joe. I have a will signing later this afternoon and require her assistance.”<\/p>\n “Shall we?” he said, placing her hand in the crook of his arm and leading her out the door and onto the boardwalk where they strolled leisurely chatting like old friends.<\/p>\n Adam rounded the corner by the stage depot and caught sight of Joe with a most attractive young woman on his arm.\u00a0 Intrigued, he followed at a discreet distance until they entered the Cafe del Rio.\u00a0 A lunch date?\u00a0 Well, what do you know.\u00a0 A turning point!<\/em><\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n Hiram looked up just as the door opened and the clock struck two.<\/p>\n \u201cHere we are Mr. Wood.\u00a0 Right on time.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cSo you are, Joe.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cAre you checking up on me, Uncle?\u201d Pamela teased.<\/p>\n \u201cWhy no, of course, not!\u00a0 I was about to grab a bite of lunch myself when I realized you didn\u2019t have a key to the office, my dear.\u00a0 I\u2019ll have one made for you right away.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cPamela, may I see you again?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYes, I\u2019d like that Joe.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThere\u2019s a dance tonight at the Livery.\u00a0 Would you like to go?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m afraid I\u2019m not a very good dancer, but if you don\u2019t mind bruised toes, I would love to go.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019ll wear my sturdiest boots.\u00a0 Pick you up at eight?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cUncle?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYes , my dear?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cJoe has asked me to a dance tonight.\u00a0 Would that be all right with you?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYes, dear.\u00a0 That would be fine.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThank you, sir.\u00a0 I\u2019ll be sure to have Pa sign these papers as soon as I get home and I\u2019ll bring them back this evening.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYou do that, Joe.\u00a0 I\u2019ll see you tonight.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cGood bye, sir.\u00a0 Pamela,\u201d Joe tipped his hat and left the office with a grin as wide as the Missouri.\u00a0\u00a0 Hot diggity!\u00a0\u00a0 I got me a date.<\/em><\/p>\n Half way out of town Joe reversed course and stopped at the barber shop.<\/p>\n \u201cHi ya, Harvey!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWell I\u2019ll be hornswoggled, it\u2019s Joe Cartwright.\u00a0 A bit early for your yearly haircut, isn\u2019t it?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cDon\u2019t get your hopes up, Harv.\u00a0 Just a shave and a trim, if you don\u2019t mind.\u201d<\/p>\n Across the street from the barber shop, a figure lurked in the grey shadows.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cWell?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cEverything\u2019s fine, Pa,\u201d Adam said.<\/p>\n \u201cEverything?\u201d\u00a0 Ben raised his eyebrows.<\/p>\n \u201cYes.\u00a0 He brought the papers home didn\u2019t he?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYes; they\u2019re all in order.\u00a0 What about the barber?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNo trouble there.\u00a0 I was wrong; he wasn\u2019t bothered a bit.\u00a0 I watched from across the street.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cGood.\u201d\u00a0 Ben breathed a sigh of relief.<\/p>\n \u201cOh,\u201d Adam added as an afterthought.<\/p>\n \u201cWhat?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cHe has a date to the barn dance tonight.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cA date!\u00a0 Adam, that\u2019s the best news I\u2019ve had in a long, long time!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI thought you\u2019d be pleased.\u00a0 Now, if you\u2019ll excuse me, I owe Sam Clemens a letter.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNo dance for you tonight?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNo, but Hoss can go if you\u2019re worried.\u201d<\/p>\n Ben shook his head. \u201cNo; just thinking that you deserve a break, Adam.\u00a0 You\u2019ve borne the brunt Joe\u2019s recovery and I\u2019m grateful.\u00a0 I don\u2019t believe I\u2019ve told you near often enough just how grateful I am.\u00a0 You were right all along . . . about what he needed.\u00a0 Thank you, son, for giving Joe back to us.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n Joe sat on the corner of Ben\u2019s desk as he often did and watched without comment as his father scrubbed a page in the ledger with a rubber eraser.<\/p>\n \u201cIs there something you want, Joseph?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n Ben straightened his shoulders, took a deep breath, and began to add the figures again.<\/p>\n \u201cThirty-five hundred, Pa.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhat?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201c$3,527.18; not $3,427.18.\u00a0 You forgot to carry the one.\u201d<\/p>\n Ben\u2019s eyes narrowed.\u00a0 \u201cAnd you can tell this by looking at the ledger upside down?\u201d<\/p>\n Joe shrugged with a smile.\u00a0 Ben re-added the figures again and sighed heavily before changing the four to a five.\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cThank you,\u201d he said grudgingly.\u00a0 \u201cAll right; I\u2019m done.\u00a0 What do you want?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNothing, Pa.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cJoseph, I know you.\u00a0 Something is on your mind.\u00a0 What is it?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cGot me.\u201d\u00a0 Joe chuckled.\u00a0 \u201cOkay,\u201d he said as he shifted from the desk to the chair.\u00a0 \u201cPa, you have always given me . . . us . . . Adam, Hoss and me . . . the freedom to follow our own path; the freedom to disagree with you, with each other.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYes, Joe.\u00a0 I have.\u00a0 All I asked in return was that each of you reason through each action and weigh the consequences and the impact your decisions would have.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cDo you reason through each action and weigh the consequences?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI try to; why do you ask?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cSometimes . . . sometimes there isn\u2019t time to reason; you just have to do what your gut tells you is right.\u201d<\/p>\n With a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach, Ben recalled Joe\u2019s confession a few days ago.\u00a0 “I committed the family to a position without talking to you first.”<\/em><\/p>\n Ben leaned back in his chair and stared at his son.\u00a0 \u201cYou knew Adam was thinking of leaving?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWorse, Pa . . . I told him to go.\u201d<\/p>\n A part of Ben wanted to lash out.\u00a0 How dare you!\u00a0 <\/em>\u00a0But Joe\u2019s words echoed in his head.\u00a0 You\u2019ve always given us the freedom to follow our own path . . . do you reason through each action and weigh the consequences? . . . I told him to do something; or not do something . . . he\u2019s thinking about it.<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cPa, Adam needs to leave.\u00a0 If we hold him here, he’ll stay.\u00a0 But he will be unhappy in the long run.\u00a0 Can we do that to him?\u00a0 I know that if you ask him to stay, he will without complaint, without anger, but without heart.\u00a0\u00a0 He needs to do this.\u00a0 No be sorrys and no regrets.\u00a0 I don’t want him to be sad.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhy do you think he is sad?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cHe quoted something to me written by John Greenleaf Whittier, do you know him?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThe poet?\u00a0 From Indiana I believe.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI guess; I don\u2019t really know.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhat about Whittier?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cHe wrote, \u2018Of all things of pen or word, the saddest of these, it might have been.\u2019\u201d\u00a0 Joe paused while the words sunk in.\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cPa, I don’t want Adam to look back on his life and regret the things he’s never done.\u00a0 He wants to build things and see the world.\u00a0 He needs to visit all those places he read to me about when I was a kid; medieval castles and the Great Wall of China.\u00a0 All those places you went . . . Rome, Paris, London, the museums in Venice and Amsterdam, South America.\u201d<\/p>\n Joe\u2019s animated and impassioned speech washed over Ben and moved him to tears.\u00a0 Unable to control his emotions, he stood to look out the window, turning his back to Joe.\u00a0\u00a0 He knew how fervently Joe had clung to his brother in the last year.\u00a0 Had he clung to his first born any less?\u00a0 He couldn\u2019t fathom Adam not being here for him as a confidant, a counselor, a friend.\u00a0 When Adam was away at college there was an emptiness, an ache so deep inside he could hardly breathe despite having two other sons to hold and love.\u00a0 He couldn\u2019t imagine the Ponderosa without the presence of his first born, his Adam.<\/p>\n As if Joe could read his mind, he put a comforting hand on his father\u2019s shoulder. \u00a0\u201cI can’t imagine life without him, but I can’t imagine looking into his eyes and seeing regret. \u00a0I know he’d never blame me . . . not out loud anyway.\u00a0 But in his heart there would be always be a hole, and I could never fill it no matter how hard I tried.\u00a0 Could you?\u00a0 Could Hoss?\u00a0 Could any of us really?\u201d<\/p>\n Ben saw the truth in what Joe was saying but still couldn\u2019t find the words to speak.<\/p>\n \u201cI know it will hurt Pa.\u00a0 The first Christmas he isn’t here.\u00a0 His birthday.\u00a0 When Hoss or I get married; the birth of our children.\u00a0\u00a0 Heck, his marriage and children if anyone will have him.\u201d<\/p>\n Ben snorted.\u00a0 \u201cOh, somehow I think Adam will find female companionship no matter where he journeys in world.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYou mean like you did?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cJoseph!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cOh, come on, Pa.\u00a0 I’m old enough now to hear about those adventures.\u00a0 Won’t you share them?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cSomeday, Joe.\u00a0 Maybe someday.\u201d\u00a0\u00a0 Ben looked out over the meadow and beyond to the mountains.\u00a0 So many memories. <\/em><\/p>\n \u201cIf he does leave, Pa, will you be okay?\u201d Joe whispered.<\/p>\n \u201cAs you said, Joe, I can’t hold him here . . . but he will always be here,\u201d Ben thumped his chest, \u201cin my heart.\u201d\u00a0 My first born.\u00a0 <\/em>\u201cBut, no, I can\u2019t hold him on the Ponderosa.\u00a0 It was always my dream; not his. \u00a0<\/em>It\u2019s just that . . . I can’t . . . I can’t imagine not seeing him ever again,\u201d he choked and would have turned away but Joe wouldn\u2019t let him.\u00a0 He threw his arms around his father, gripping him fiercely, his own sobs mixing with his father\u2019s, two hearts beating as one.<\/p>\n \u201cPa, I’ve learned this past year that there’s never any guarantee that we’ll see each other from one hour to the next.\u00a0 That was a hard truth for me to understand despite all the experience I’ve had with losing someone I love.\u00a0 So many people have been ripped from my side.\u00a0 Too many.\u00a0 It’s a lesson I should have learned long ago but never seemed to.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cIt is a hard lesson, son; one we never get used to . . . even when we understand the inevitability of it all.\u00a0 You can’t blame yourself.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI know, and I don’t.\u00a0 But I can make a difference in how Adam leaves here . . . with a full heart knowing he has our blessing and support.\u00a0 I think it’s the least we can do for him.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI agree, son.\u00a0\u00a0 So what do you have in mind?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI have an idea.\u00a0 You remember the letter Adam got from Sam?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cSamuel Clemens?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYeah.\u00a0 Some newspaper is paying him to go abroad and write his impressions.\u00a0 He leaves on a steamer in a few months from New York.\u00a0 He’s invited Adam to go with him.\u00a0 It’s a trip organized by General Sheridan . . . you know, from the Civil War.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cReally?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYeah, I saw the letter.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYou read something that was private?\u201d\u00a0 Ben reproached.<\/p>\n \u201cHe left it out for me to see.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cJoseph.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI know he wanted me to see it.\u201d\u00a0 Not the eyebrow!<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cPa, you know Adam doesn\u2019t leave his stuff around carelessly.\u201d\u00a0 Not in this house anyway.<\/em>\u00a0 \u201cMaybe it was unintentional, but I think he left it out for a reason; I think he wanted someone to see it so he could be convinced to go.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cMmmm.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI wrote to Sam myself and asked him for the details.\u00a0 He sent this flyer.\u00a0 Here.\u201d Joe pulled a folded advertisement from his pocket and handed it to his father.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n EXCURSION TO THE HOLY LAND, EGYPT, AND INTERMEDIATE POINTS OF INTEREST<\/p>\n \u00a0The undersigned will make an excursion as above during the coming season, and begs to submit to you the following programme:<\/p>\n \u00a0A first-class steamer, to be under his own command, and capable of accommodating at least one hundred and fifty cabin passengers, will be selected, in which will be taken a select company, numbering not more than three fourths of the ship’s capacity.\u00a0 There is good reason to believe that this company can be easily made up in this immediate vicinity, of mutual friends and acquaintances.<\/p>\n Leaving New York about June 1st, a middle and pleasant route will be taken across the Atlantic, and passing through the group of Azores, St. Michael will be reached in about ten days.\u00a0 A day or two will be spent here, enjoying the fruit and wild scenery of these islands, and the voyage continued, and Gibraltar reached in three day or four days.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cTen days!\u201d Ben exclaimed.\u00a0 \u201cTen days to cross the Atlantic!\u00a0 Imagine that.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cAnd look here . . . Genoa!\u00a0 Wonder if it compares to our Genoa?\u00a0 And Padua . . . \u2018I come to wive it wealthily in Padua,\u2019\u201d Joe quoted \u00a0Act 1, Scene 2 of Taming of the Shrew.\u00a0 \u201cMaybe Adam will come home with a wife, Pa!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNow, Joe,\u201d Ben cautioned, but couldn\u2019t help laugh, getting caught up in his son\u2019s enthusiasm.<\/p>\n Together they devoured the itinerary, memories washing over Ben as he recalled his own stops in many of the same ports and the adventures he had had.\u00a0\u00a0 How can I deny my son the opportunity to see any less of the world than I did before putting down roots?<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cWhat\u2018s your idea, Joe?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThe ticket\u2019s $1,250.\u00a0\u00a0 Can we buy his passage?\u00a0 I don\u2019t have enough for the ticket myself, but I’ve got some money saved that should be enough to buy him new luggage and a journal.\u00a0 Let him write in his own darn journal for a change!<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cI don\u2019t know, Joe.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cLook at all these cities, Pa,\u201d Joe tapped the flyer.\u00a0 \u201cRome, Paris, Florence, Venice, Jerusalem.\u00a0 Don’t you think it’s time, Pa?\u00a0 Time for Adam to see the world like you did and choose his own dream?\u201d<\/p>\n How does Joe always manage to know what I am thinking?<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cBesides, Pa, who knows?\u00a0 Maybe after he\u2019s seen what\u2019s out there, the Ponderosa will look pretty good and he\u2019ll come home to stay.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cAnd if he doesn\u2019t?\u00a0 Joe, are you really ready to let him go?\u00a0 You\u2019ve clung to him so tightly this last year.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYou heard the doc\u2014more importantly, you heard Hop Sing.\u00a0\u00a0 I’m recovered in mind, body and spirit now.\u00a0 I’m fine.\u201d<\/p>\n Ben had heard it all before, but this time he firmly believed it was true.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019ll wire the money today.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYipee!!!\u201d\u00a0 Joe shouted, slapping his Pa on the back.\u00a0 \u201cLet\u2019s tell Hoss!\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n They made their presentation at dinner on Sunday.\u00a0 Adam was taken aback at the proposal and protested vociferously, but each point he made was rebuffed.<\/p>\n \u201cAw, come on, Adam,\u201d Hoss said.\u00a0 \u201cYou know you want to.\u00a0 Just think of it as a vacation.\u00a0 It\u2019s not forever, ya know.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYou deserve it, big brother, after putting up with me all year,\u201d Joe encouraged.<\/p>\n \u201cI want you to have that experience, son, to see firsthand the things I\u2019ve seen, go to the places I\u2019ve told you about since you were a boy.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cMr. Adam have good time.\u00a0 Meet many people.\u00a0 Be happy in heart.\u201d<\/p>\n In the end, Adam not only acquiesced, he was secretly relieved the decision had been made for him.\u00a0 He had to admit it would be exhilarating accompanying Samuel Clemens\u2014wit and intelligence being a definite bonus in a traveling companion.\u00a0 The sidewheeler steamship Quaker City, formerly in service for the Union during the War Between the States, had been completely refurbished and outfitted with 150 cabins for the excursion.\u00a0 Not only was there a library on board, but a music room and passengers were encouraged to bring an instrument.\u00a0 Ben was reassured that the ship also carried a physician and fully equipped infirmary.\u00a0 Ten days or not, anything could happen at sea and often did.<\/p>\n Aside from periods where Adam disappeared \u201con business,\u201d with a wink to Joe, he and his father spent each evening pouring over the itinerary and looking at maps.\u00a0 Joe and Hoss sat nearby, enthralled by the anecdotes Ben told.\u00a0 Their Pa didn\u2019t often talk about his past and they so loved hearing the tales.\u00a0 Too soon the date for departure was at hand but the memories of the last few weeks were solid and would last a lifetime.<\/p>\n At the stage depot amid the flurry of activity when the Overland coach pulled in, Adam pulled Joe aside.<\/p>\n \u201cGive me a dollar.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhat?\u00a0 It\u2019s not enough I paid for your ticket and luggage?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cPa paid the ticket, not you.\u00a0 Give me a dollar.\u201d<\/p>\n Joe grumbled, but managed to find enough coins in his pocket to meet the demand.\u00a0 Before he could ask what it was needed for, the family was caught up in a whirlwind of handshakes and slaps on the back, wishes and instructions.\u00a0 At the last second before boarding, Joe threw one arm around Adam\u2019s neck and whispered into his ear, \u201cNo be-sorrys and no regrets.\u201d\u00a0\u00a0 When he let go, his eyes were brimming with tears but his smile was a mile wide.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n The sign on the weathered adobe read \u201cLimbo Junction\u201d and it described perfectly Adam\u2019s state of mind . . . in limbo between worlds, between one life and the next, unsure of his preference.<\/p>\n What in the hell am I doing?\u00a0 Hoss would have me believe this is nothing more than a vacation.\u00a0 Joe knows better; I suspect Pa does, too.<\/em><\/p>\n The worst part was that the delay due to a broken axle gave him an extra day to nurture the doubts which began almost as soon as the stage left Virginia City.\u00a0 Twenty-four hours; more than enough time to review the events of the last year; to examine his choices; to decide whether to go on or to return.\u00a0 Go <\/em>west where there are people who love and need me.\u00a0 Go east where . . . what?\u00a0 What awaits me?\u00a0 The unknown.<\/em><\/p>\n As usual, Adam was up before dawn and after morning ablutions stretched his legs by pacing between the station and the barn waiting for the stage to arrive.\u00a0 Correction. \u00a0<\/em>Stages.\u00a0 Two were due in that morning; one going east, one going west.<\/p>\n I should let the Overland Stage Line decide my fate and take the first stage that arrives.<\/em><\/p>\n The unknown.<\/em>\u00a0 It was the unknown that had driven Adam most of last year.\u00a0 With the help of several newspapermen and a college mate, Adam had conducted an investigation of the devil that held Joe captive.\u00a0 It wasn’t enough for Adam to have Joe safely back home, he had to know why Wellencamp did what he did.<\/p>\n Why did I need to know?\u00a0 Perhaps because his madness stemmed from a distortion of the notion of free will and that is something I have struggled with in the past . . . and struggle with still if truth be told.\u00a0 Where is my free will to live my life and not my father’s life.\u00a0 Where does free will begin?\u00a0 Am I as mad as Silas Wellencamp?\u00a0 Could I be driven to such insanity?<\/em><\/p>\n Though I do my best to forget, Joe\u2019s struggle to overcome the torment of his captivity renewed the memories of what I also endured at the hands of a mad man.\u00a0 Perhaps it is a crucible I will always bear.\u00a0\u00a0 I am surprised my father did not dwell on the similarities between Kane and Wellencamp.\u00a0 Maybe it’s because he really refuses to believe such madness exists in the world when it comes to his sons.\u00a0\u00a0 As if refusing to believe in monsters under the bed will allow his babes to sleep safely.<\/em><\/p>\n Did I have free will when it came to Kane?\u00a0 Wasn’t he also forcing me to make a choice?\u00a0 In the end he died but I did not kill him.\u00a0 Was it my will that enabled me to overcome his madness?\u00a0 How close did I come to embracing the same insanity?\u00a0\u00a0 I struggle still with these questions, perhaps I always will.\u00a0 Perhaps my understanding of what drove Wellencamp to such extremes was as essential to me as air and water, though I doubted anyone else could understand that.\u00a0 <\/em><\/p>\n Pa didn’t comprehend the urgency with which I felt compelled to explore Wellencamp’s reasons.\u00a0 Neither did Joe at first when I tried to share what I had learned.\u00a0 In the end, he understood more than I ever dreamed he would.<\/em><\/p>\n Do I go forward?\u00a0 Embrace the journey that awaits me? Will I just travel and return again to the Ponderosa?\u00a0 I don’t know.\u00a0 My family did not ask for promises I couldn’t give and for that I am grateful, but the fear of the unknown is palpable.<\/em><\/p>\n Do I go back?\u00a0 The urge is strong.\u00a0 Despite outward appearances, Joe needs me still.\u00a0 I should not have left him so soon.\u00a0 He\u2014\u00a0 <\/em><\/p>\n The station master broke into Adam\u2019s reverie.\u00a0 A coach east; a coach west . . . both had arrived at the same time and he had only minutes to choose which to board.<\/p>\n “Shotgun?” offered the driver as Adam stood fanning his face with his black hat.\u00a0 The sun was barely above the horizon and the day was already molten.<\/p>\n Looking at the endless miles of road that stretched like ribbon across the Utah salt flats, he was sorely tempted.\u00a0 It would be good to ride up top out of the dust instead of inside the rank and spring-less carriage. \u00a0Instead, he wiped his brow with his sleeve and repositioned his hat.<\/p>\n “Thanks, but no,” he muttered, gripping opposite sides of the door frame with sweaty hands.\u00a0 His feet, on the other hand, remained firmly planted in the sand.\u00a0 Adam closed his eyes afraid to look in either direction lest he succumb to the doubt that gnawed at his insides.<\/p>\n The driver shook his head but said only “Suit yer self.”<\/p>\n With a deep breath, Adam hauled himself inside the coach and faced east, turning away from all he knew and loved.<\/p>\n Like the original Adam before Eve, I am alone.\u00a0 I remind myself that this is\u2014after all\u2014my choice.<\/em><\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n Epilogue\u20141869<\/strong><\/p>\n The first time Joe came to Xanadu following Adam\u2019s departure two years ago, he found a porch had been added to the cabin and inside was a rocker with the initials JFC burned into the top rail, the arms and legs carved in the special pattern he loved.<\/p>\n On the seat of the rocker was the journal Joe had written during the darkest period in his life.\u00a0 Four other journals were there as well, one each from Pa, Adam, Hoss and Hop Sing.\u00a0 It took some time before Joe was ready to read them, but when he did he was moved to tears and filled with a renewed appreciation not only for what Adam had done for him but for the never-ending love of his family.<\/p>\n Joe continued to visit Xanadu when time allowed, making sure the cabin survived winter storms and spring rains.\u00a0 He repaired the roof when needed, oiled and polished the built-in furniture, and kept the wood box stocked against the day when Adam would return.<\/p>\n Adam\u2019s last letter had said, \u201cI\u2019m sending you a package; open it some place private.\u201d\u00a0 It was nearly three more months before the package arrived covered with many stamps and seals reflecting its journey half way around the world.\u00a0 Some place private.\u00a0\u00a0 <\/em>It seemed right to Joe that he open the package here, in Adam\u2019s sanctuary.<\/p>\n Joe was watching Kubla, the skewbald mare, run free in the meadow tossing her mane with wild abandon.\u00a0 When darkness fell, he knew it was time.\u00a0 Sighing, Joe dragged the rocker inside the cabin and lit the lamp.\u00a0 He retrieved the package from his saddle bags along with a bottle of Pa\u2019s best brandy.<\/p>\n Inside the package were two volumes.\u00a0 The one on top was fresh off the press: \u00a0Innocents Abroad by Mark Twain, the story of the Quaker City\u2019s excursion to the Holy Land of which his brother had been a part.\u00a0 The other was a worn leather-bound journal.\u00a0 Joe rubbed his thumb over the embossed letters of its owner and smiled.<\/p>\n He turned to the first page and read in Adam\u2019s neat hand,<\/p>\n Socrates said, \u2018A life unexamined is not worth living.\u2019\u00a0 My brother reminded me that you must first choose to live that life \u2013 no be sorrys and no regrets.<\/p>\n Mark Twain would have to wait.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n Joe lit the fire and poured himself a cup of coffee with a healthy shot of brandy in it before settling down to read.\u00a0 When he picked up the journal an envelope dropped to the floor.<\/p>\n Inside was a single sheet of card stock with fancy scrolls and lettering written in lawyer gibberish which he had to read several times before grasping the gist of it.\u00a0 Ignoring the Wherefore\u2019s and Whereas\u2019s and Heretofore\u2019s, it boiled down to one sentence:<\/p>\n For the sum of One Dollar ($1) the receipt and sufficiency of which is hereby acknowledged, Adam Stoddard Cartwright transfers to Joseph Francis Cartwright all rights, title and interest in the real property known as Xanadu, more particularly described as . . .\u00a0 <\/em><\/p>\n \u201cSonofabitch!\u201d<\/p>\n The End<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Cheaux
\nShadows<\/a>
\nHunger<\/a><\/p>\n
\nTHE CRIMEA, GREECE,<\/p>\n
\nMarch 2013<\/p>\n