{"id":6487,"date":"2014-05-04T11:39:53","date_gmt":"2014-05-04T15:39:53","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=6487"},"modified":"2026-01-20T15:23:23","modified_gmt":"2026-01-20T20:23:23","slug":"transfigurations","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=6487","title":{"rendered":"Transfigurations (by MissJudy)"},"content":{"rendered":"

Summary: \u00a0\u00a0<\/span>I’ve always wondered how Adam’s life would turn out after he left the Ponderosa. This story takes a look at the later years of his life. He’s\u00a0had a distinguished career as an educator, philanthropist and\u00a0businessman, and is “comfortable” with where he is and not looking for more. That changes when he sees a woman fall on the sidewalk in front of him and finds out that 40 years ago, she was\u00a0his student in Virginia City. While getting to know her again, he comes to realize many things about himself – in particular – that\u00a0being in\u00a0love again\u00a0is wonderful…but never easy.<\/p>\n

This is a long story that has taken over 2 years to write. I’ve tried to imagine what things Adam might have been part of and gently inserted him into history. For those who read Transfiguration, there’s a sweet surprise at the end.<\/p>\n

Rated:<\/span>\u00a0K \u00a047,000<\/span><\/p>\n

Story Notes:<\/b><\/em><\/p>\n

I first started this story as a tribute to Pernell Roberts, but was barely into it when he passed away, and had to table it for a time.\u00a0I’ve always felt that Pernell’s later life was lived triumphantly and this\u00a0it was\u00a0my desire to do the same for Adam. I wanted to show that age makes no difference when it comes to\u00a0needing love and purpose. In this story Adam thinks he has all the answers he’ll need to make it through. But it takes just one evening to realize there is much in life he has denied himself because he hasn’t faced up to his feelings of loss. He has many exciting expereinces in this tale and will find that his heart has always been firmly rooted to the 1000 square miles of land in Nevada.<\/em><\/p>\n

Alert: Since this story deals with Adam’s later life, we will have to face that his life is not indefinite. But\u00a0this topic\u00a0is handled with dignity. There\u00a0is no death scene or sadness because\u00a0this story\u00a0is a<\/strong>\u00a0celebration of life<\/strong>! Thank you for reading this labor of love. And my sincerest thanks to my beta reader, Sandspur who has already read this story twice and helped make it better each time. It would not be the story it is without her assistance.<\/em><\/p>\n

***<\/p>\n

Prologue: A scene from:\u00a0\u00a0A Little Home Schooling<\/em>.\u00a0 (My story describing Adam\u2019s first day substitute teaching in Virginia City \u2013 a \u201cwhat happened within\u201c story for Right is the Fourth R.)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam sighed again as he thought about releasing the information that was weighing on his mind. He wondered if his father could understand, but decided he needed to solicit another adult\u2019s point of view. \u201cThere\u2019s one girl, Emily, who got tear-eyed, and lowered her head if I so much as looked at her. Pa, I didn\u2019t do anything to make her afraid of me, yet she seemed terrified!\u201d A moment later, Adam clarified. \u201cWell, maybe one thing. But that couldn\u2019t be enough to affect her actions for the whole day.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Ben\u2019s voice was wary. \u201cWhat one thing?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Adam turned to face his father. Ben inhaled sharply as he saw the nasty red mark on his son\u2019s right cheek. \u201cWho hit you?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cNo one hit me, Pa. It was an accident\u2014with that same girl. I was doing attendance; calling out names so I could attach a face to each one, and had called Emily Mills at least three times with no response. Emily is the daughter of Martin Mills\u2014you know, the lawyer who\u2019s done some deed work for us?\u201d Adam saw his father nod. \u201cEven though I knew Emily, I wanted her to acknowledge her name just as the rest of the class was doing. But as I walked toward her desk, I realized that she was hunched forward\u2014much as Jarvis was just prior to being sick\u2014and feared she was ill as well. When I got to her, I leaned over to ask if she needed help.\u201d The bruise under Adam\u2019s eye glowed as a blush flooded his face. \u201cI obviously startled her, but got a glimpse of the hearts she was drawing with the initials, EM loves AC\u2014just before she covered the page with her hands and whipped her body into an upright position. The back of her head connected squarely with my face. Pa, I swear it sounded like an axe hitting a piece of deadwood.\u201d Adam sighed again as he touched the tender area on his cheek. \u201cLuckily it hurt me a whole lot more than her.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Nearly 40 years later\u2026.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Transfigurations<\/strong><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Partly Cloudy With a Chance of Falling<\/strong><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

It was 1907, the year after a devastating earthquake had hit San Francisco. The city still wore the scars of the catastrophe as reconstruction inched along. Burned out buildings gaped like unhealed wounds, and most city streets and walkways were in such bad repair that making one\u2019s way on foot could be a treacherous undertaking.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The day the earthquake shook the city, tremors had shifted and stretched along a fault line from San Francisco Bay south for a hundred miles. Yet the worst damage was not from the quake; rather it occurred when the bent and twisted gas lines invited fire to play along with this insult against the citizenry. The events had left San Francisco residents as shaken as the earth they\u2019d stood upon. But in time, as with most disasters, life gradually found its foothold again and struck a more normal pace. Reconstruction was moving slowly, but no matter how small the completed projects might have seemed, they provided a soothing balm.<\/p>\n

Emily Mills was a citizen bent on resuming her normal routines, and was now heading home after a morning of work followed by running a few errands and finally visiting a friend across town. Deciding to walk for a bit before finding transportation for the long trip home, she was forced to look down while playing her own personal game of pothole hopscotch on the fractured sidewalk. As the clouds overhead began to darken, Emily made the mistake of raising her head for just a moment to look for a cabstand. In that brief moment of distraction, the heel of her shoe slipped into a crack that refused to release its grasp as she tried to step ahead, sending Emily sprawling. Her cry of shock at the onset of the fall\u2014when her packages, purse and dignity all flew in different directions\u2014ended with \u201coof\u201d as she landed hard on her arms and knees. Figuring any illusion of grace or decorum had already been lost in the fall, she was able to concentrate on getting into a more comfortable position to assess the damages without worrying about how she looked doing it.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Emily was in her early fifties, and wasn\u2019t exactly old and brittle, but she wasn\u2019t immune to serious injury either. Accompanied by an audible groan, she managed to switch from prone to supine and strain into a sitting position. While taking stock\u2014realizing that she still seemed to be in one piece\u2014the rain that threatened now began to fall in large, stinging drops. Emily looked skyward and avowed in a tone of voice bordering on anger, \u201cYou don\u2019t play fair, God! This is adding insult to injury!\u201d But with her commentary completed, she leaned back on extended arms and dissolved into laughter.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

With raindrops trickling down her face, she noted the unmistakable taste of iron mingling with the water entering her mouth. Probing with her tongue revealed a bleeding crack just inside her lip and what felt like a good-sized bite inside her cheek. Overall she was not happy with her current position, yet couldn\u2019t stop chuckling at the craziness of it all. She considered what she must look like: hair messed with her hat hanging at a precarious angle, woolen shawl askew on her shoulders, scrapes on her hands and wrists, a swollen lip\u2026and finally mumbled, \u201cPeople will think I was in a brawl!\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Collecting her thoughts, Emily figured she\u2019d have to get moving or become soaked as she sat there. Her fervent hope that her fall had not been observed was dashed as Emily found herself unexpectedly sheltered by a large umbrella while a tall man leaned over her from behind. \u201cAre you able to stand?\u201d he asked with concern, \u201cor shall I send for conveyance to the hospital?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Emily wasn\u2019t sure of the answer, so made another quick assessment, deciding everything seemed intact, even if a bit bruised and bloodied. \u201cI think I can stand, but it won\u2019t be pretty,\u201d she finally offered.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

With dead calm, her rescuer noted, \u201cI\u2019m not concerned with how beautifully you accomplish it, madam, just that you are able to do it.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Emily returned to her knees to gain purchase to stand. In doing so, she heard a ripping sound issuing from somewhere under her skirt as her petticoat was pulled to its breaking point. With a quiet snort of laughter to accompany her unceremonious righting, she gathered skirt and slips\u2014hoisting them as much as possible without being immodest\u2014and got one foot planted on the ground.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

As she readied herself to stand, her Good Samaritan spoke again as he leaned further over her from behind. \u201cPlease, let me help you.\u201d But as he bent forward, Emily raised her head, which connected in a soft \u201cwhacking\u201d sound with the Samaritan\u2019s cheek. His startled, \u201cOuch,\u201d was followed by a whispered, \u201cYou\u2019d think I would have learned this lesson years ago.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Emily paused in her maneuver to inquire as to whether he was injured. She heard him mumble something that sounded like;\u201d it just brought back an old memory.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Grasping her elbow, the Samaritan assisted Emily up while still managing to keep the umbrella in place above her head.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

In one fluid movement of effort and assistance, Emily was on her feet\u2026just in time to feel her world begin to tremble.\u00a0Oh, please, God. Not another earthquake,<\/em>\u00a0she thought, and then realized that the earth was still. It was simply her head that was in motion from her sudden position change. The man, whose face she was unable to see from her orientation, kept a firm grip until the spinning stopped and she no longer felt the aftershock of her tumble. \u201cThank you so much. I think I\u2019m all right now,\u201d she offered in gratitude as she turned to thank her rescuer. \u201cI\u2019m sincerely sorry that I raised my head so suddenly and hit your\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The spinning started again when her mind registered the identity of the man in front of her. Her heart began to beat wildly\u2014this new symptom having nothing to do with her fall. \u201cAren\u2019t you\u2026Professor Cartwright?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cGuilty as charged,\u201d he chuckled. \u201cMight I suggest we move to my apartment? It\u2019s close by. We can get out of this rain and see to your injuries before deciding whether you\u2019re sound enough to head off on your own.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Emily\u2019s heart continued beating so fast that she had trouble breathing.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The professor misinterpreted her wide eyes and shocked expression as apprehension. \u201cI don\u2019t bite. Or at least haven\u2019t bitten anyone in ages,\u201d he assured her with an encouraging smile. \u201cYou seem to be aware of who I am so I\u2019d assume you know that I am trustworthy, and I have a nosy neighbor who will come dutifully if she hears any unseemly noises issuing from my apartment.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

A wink had completed the professor\u2019s statement, keeping Emily speechless. As her heart and breathing slowed to a more normal rhythm, she was eventually able to provide a coherent answer. \u201cI\u2019d appreciate being able to get cleaned up a bit. Thank you.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Professor Cartwright retrieved her packages and carefully led her to a building just two doors from where she had landed. \u201cJust a little farther,\u201d he commented as he walked her up the steps. \u201cMay I ask how it that you know who I am?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ll tell you inside if I may,\u201d she answered breathily.\u00a0 The shock of the fall and then finding out who had rescued her, were having a combined effect, leaving Emily still a bit wobbly. She needed to concentrate on making it into the house before participating in conversation. The thought pounding a cadence in her mind at the moment was that while falling once in front of the man she had loved most of her life was something she couldn\u2019t have avoided, falling again would be inexcusably tacky.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Professor Cartwright helped Emily remove her cape and hat, and after depositing her safely in his parlor, brought a basin of warm water, wash cloths and antiseptic. Thankfully, there were no serious injuries visible at first glance, so before beginning any first aid measures, he walked to the sideboard beneath his massive wall of books, and poured two small glasses of a brown liquid he delivered as he encouraged her to drink. \u201cHere,\u201d he said as he handed her a glass, \u201cIt\u2019s brandy: my family\u2019s medication of choice for as long as I can remember. My father prescribed it to help mend broken hearts and battered bodies, and I\u2019ve continued dispensing it over the years, myself. It does seem to take the sting out of lot of what life unexpectedly throws at us.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

After they had each taken a few sips of the soothing balm, the gentleman gently washed the dirt and blood from her face, and then dabbed at the bruises on her hands, tying a small bandage over one ragged abrasion on her wrist. \u201cI\u2019ll leave for a moment so you can check your knees. It seemed like you landed pretty hard on them.\u201d As he left the room he added, \u201cLet me know if you need any assistance. I\u2019ll go next door to get Mrs. Calhoun if you do.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Emily did as she was told, but found only minor bruises that didn\u2019t even tear her stockings. Her petticoat showed the most damage, and she had to tear away the bottom ruffle to put it back into working order. Looking around, she wasn\u2019t quite sure what to do the fabric remnant, finally wadding it together and stuffing it into her purse.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

With the first aid accomplished, the professor returned, hoping to find out a little more about his guest. He didn\u2019t recognize her as anyone currently with Berkeley, but that didn\u2019t mean he hadn\u2019t met her somewhere at a university function, perhaps accounting for her knowing that he taught. \u201cEmily\u2026Mills, is it?\u201d he ventured.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Emily\u2019s eyes flew open. \u201cYou remember me? That was so many years ago and I\u2019m sure I don\u2019t resemble what I looked like as a child. You\u2019re remarkable!\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

To her surprise, the expression on her host\u2019s face was questioningly embarrassed.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cShould I know you?\u201d he inquired. \u201cI\u2019m afraid I just saw your name on one of the packages you were carrying.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Emily laughed. \u201cWell, that certainly makes more sense!\u201d After another swallow of brandy to calm her jangling nerves, she continued, \u201cThere\u2019s no reason you should remember me, but I was in a class you taught for a while when our teacher, Miss Scott, broke her arm. My family lived in Virginia City for a few years before we moved back to San Francisco. I was in the third row on the center aisle: Strawberry blonde, braids..?\u00a0 My father was a lawyer and did some real estate work for your family? Any of this ring a bell?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The professor nodded in remembrance as he raised his fingers to his cheek where it had impacted Emily\u2019s head minutes ago. It was the same place her blond, braided head had hit his cheek back in Virginia City on his first day of teaching when he had startled her as he bent over her desk thinking she was ill. She had sat upright and clobbered him then, just as she had today. \u201cThat was a lifetime ago.\u201d\u00a0 Rubbing his cheek again, he smiled wryly. \u201cI do remember you. It seems like your head and my cheek have an affinity for one another.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Emily blushed. \u201cI\u2019ve already apologized for today\u2019s incident, but let me offer belated apologies for that day in school.\u201d She paused as her mind strayed back to what she had been doing at the time, making her cheeks blaze even hotter. She\u2019d always assumed that he hadn\u2019t gotten a good look at the heart she\u2019d been drawing that day and had covered it before she had sat upright. \u201cIt really was a lifetime ago.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam Cartwright smiled. \u201cI remember your father as well. Didn\u2019t my father do business with him for a number of years, even after your family moved here?\u201d Following Emily\u2019s confirmation of this, he added, \u201cI\u2019m very surprised you recognized me, though. I\u2019m sure I don\u2019t look like I did back then. \u2018Time and tide tarrieth no man.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The warmth created from the brandy, as well as the courage it seemed to unlock, resulted in her glass emptying quickly, to be refilled just as quickly by her gracious host. Another sip or two, and Emily, who did not drink often or well, felt her tongue being loosened: with no desire on her part to tighten it again. \u201cNot remember you!\u201d she giggled. \u201cI was very taken with you, Professor Cartwright. You were such a wonderful teacher and so very handsome.\u201d After a pause, she added. \u201cYou still are, you know.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

It was his turn to blush as he stuttered, \u201cAh\u2026Um. You\u2019re being kind. And please, call me Adam.\u201d Thinking back to those odd days shortly before he had left the territory, he added. \u201cThose were some strange times as I recall. The territory was changing, and much of what I\u2019d always believed to be true about the people that were the cornerstones of its history was tainted. But I do recall enjoying the children in that class. You were all so accepting and willing to try\u2026\u201d His smile took on a wry tilt. \u201c\u2026After a little prodding.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cMy father was called back to his firm in San Francisco before the new teacher took over after the whole mess was cleared up, and I heard that you left the area soon after as well.\u201d To his questioning look, Emily explained, \u201cYour father gave my father updates when they got together here for business matters. But he really didn\u2019t tell much. I recall him telling Father that you traveled and married, but that\u2019s about all I remember.\u201d She struggled with whether to ask the next question; but with the courage the brandy gave her, was swayed toward doing so. \u201cDo you remember\u00a0anything<\/em>\u00a0about me back then? I mean, other than the black eye I gave you?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam thought back to those two weeks. He\u2019d gone from the joy at discovering how his words could encourage and motivate young minds, to despair as his simple history project exposed the city founders as the thieves and murderers they were. Even worse was that others had died as he had pushed for the truth. That incident, along with an impatience to experience more out of life than the workings of the Ponderosa, had led to his decision to leave. He had never put a final reason to his going, but had figured that he had to change his scenery for a bit, chart his own course and maybe find what he just couldn\u2019t seem to in the 1000 square miles of his home.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

He did remember Emily Mills for more than just the face-smacking incident, and sat down across from her to explain. \u201cI recall that you were intuitive beyond your young age. Do you remember the essays I had everyone write about that incident outside the school where I found Miss Scott tied to the flagpole?\u201d Her smile indicated that she did. \u201cEveryone wrote a story that absolved themselves of responsibility for it, while you examined the situation. Wasn\u2019t she playing some sort of game along with the group of children?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

It all came back clearly, \u201cWe had to get out of the ropes and tag someone else before they got \u2018home.\u2019\u201d Emily laughed as she thought about it. \u201cWe sure came up with some silly ideas back then. I remember that no one was tied tightly. The trick was to relax back away from the ropes instead of pushing against them. The kids had figured it out but Miss Scott panicked when she couldn\u2019t get loose and started shouting at us to help her. The more she struggled against the ropes, the tighter they seemed. The older boys found that to be very funny, and the rest of us were just scared. We had never seen a teacher act so fearful and it made us afraid too. And then you walked in and took control. I was so grateful when you arrived, but can\u2019t imagine what you thought.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI didn\u2019t know what to think, but Barbara agreed with your assessment. She hadn\u2019t watched closely enough to see how you were getting loose and did panic. Wow, I can\u2019t believe I still remember all that.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cIt is amazing what we can recall when someone pokes at our memories a little. I know that I learned a good lesson from that episode, and many more in those two weeks with you.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Rubbing his cheek again, Adam sighed. \u201cI thought I\u2019d learned never to lean over anyone to ask a question when their head was down. Apparently it was a lesson I didn\u2019t learn as well as I should have.\u201d His chuckle resonated. \u201dWhat lessons did you learn?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI realized that we need to know what\u2019s really happening before we insinuate ourselves into an unfamiliar situation. And if we don\u2019t understand what\u2019s going on we should ask for clarification. I also learned from Miss Scott\u2019s reaction, and how it affected us, that an adult can\u2019t let those in their care see how frightened they are. When she realized she was trapped, she should have simply asked to be shown how to do it. That would have allowed those of us not interested in humiliating her to step in. But her screeching and antics frightened us, and we just did what the other kids were doing. She was young though, and not a seasoned teacher. I figured she was probably an only child who hadn\u2019t spent much time around children. On the other hand, I was an only child, but a schemer and instigator, so I was never surprised with the things kids came up with.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI repeat my earlier assessment: you are intuitive. Barbara was an only child who was raw to teaching, especially in a frontier town like Virginia City. Schools out East where she was educated were far more organized and strict. She had good intentions, but wasn\u2019t prepared for the wilder spirits of the kids out here. I know my own brothers and I made my father gray-haired before his time, and when there finally was a territorial school set up, Little Joe was the cause of many threatened teacher resignations. I tried to do a good job those weeks, but had a whole new respect for what teachers contend with by the time I was done.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Emily considered Adam\u2019s adjective for her: intuitive. She agreed with that. In fact, she had felt his pain the last time he had come by the school, and had wondered what it meant for his future. He\u2019d reconvened class after the shooting incident, but just to let the children know that they would have an extended leave while another teacher was found. After he\u2019d given them assignments to do at home, he\u2019d presented the completed history project they\u2019d all worked on. \u201cMuch of this history is honorable, and shows what great thought and effort can accomplish,\u201d\u00a0<\/em>he\u2019d told them. \u201cOn the other hand, some of it is ugly. But all of history must be told: the good, and the bad<\/em>.\u201d \u00a0As the day had come to a close, Adam had said something that Emily had held onto her entire life. \u201cAnything you do in life can come under scrutiny, so live a life above suspicion and in true service. Doing the right thing is always better than trying to cover up what you did wrong. Take your education seriously and meet the challenges of your life head on. It\u2019s the only way to live.<\/em>\u201d As the last images of that day washed across her memory, Emily was finally able to issue a soft, \u201cYou were a very good teacher back then, Professor, and I\u2019m sure that\u2019s still true.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The shock of the fall, the sedation of the brandy and the headiness of finding out that the man she\u2019d loved all these years actually remembered her, combined into exhaustion. Leaning her head back while closing her eyes for just a moment, Emily mumbled, \u201cI was so sad after that last day you were with us. You know I loved you, don\u2019t you? Matter of fact, I still do.\u201d Her voice had quieted during her avowal, replaced by a soft snoring sound as she drifted into sleep.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Praise the Lord and Pass the Mashed Potatoes!<\/strong><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Smiling at the unexpected sleeping beauty across from him, he decided that she wasn\u2019t quite the princess of fairy tales. While she was blond and pretty, she was also taller and curvier than the tiny princesses of story. But all the curves were in exactly the right places, and she wasn\u2019t so tall that those curves wouldn\u2019t fit nicely into his frame if he held her. Blushing with that thought, he tried to remember the girl he had taught so long ago. She\u2019d had those long, golden braids pinned into loops and had always seemed so nervous when he came past her desk. Emily Mills: shy at times, but intellectually way ahead of her age group and always ready with an answer or a question, at least when he was at the front of the classroom and not standing near her. His father had tried to tell him back then that the youngster\u2019s affectation was infatuation with her teacher, but he\u2019d refused to believe it. A few years later, Ben had provided his son with evidence that he\u2019d been right all along, and Adam had come to accept that Ben seemed to have a point. But had he heard the truth from his guest just now as well? He grinned, looking upward, finally giving his father his due.\u00a0I guess you were right all along, Pa. Just like always.<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

He shook his head to clear the jumble of thoughts about how his day was ending. Yet it was an intriguing end, and as he thought further, realized it was far from over. Trying to make her more comfortable, he lifted her legs onto the sofa, placed a pillow under her head, and covered her with a nearby afghan. He turned to leave, but glanced again toward the couch as he heard Emily\u2019s soft snore, and the shadow of a smile turned his lips.\u00a0Love!<\u2019I><\/em>\u00a0he thought to himself. It had been many years since he even thought about giving or returning love. Yet this woman spoke so easily of it: of feeling it and holding onto it. He wondered if she had experienced such loss as he had, figuring that if she had the word would not roll so easily off her tongue.<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

There had been love in his life, but he had issued a pact with his own heart not to let that emotion gain entry ever again. He was comfortable where he was now. His work with the engineering students at Berkeley gave him joy and satisfaction, and he could even say that he \u201cloved\u201d what he did. But he had decided he was too old, too comfortable and too set to ever \u201cfall\u201d in love again. Over the years he had quieted the voices that taunted him for being a coward as he chose to remain alone. It was safe this way. His life was solid. What else could he possibly want\u2026except that somewhere in the dark loneliness of his heart, he heard a whisper telling him to pay attention.
\nPushing those thoughts from his mind, he set off for the kitchen to prepare dinner, noting that it would probably be best to forego the wine he had planned to enjoy. He too had sipped on brandy as they had reminisced. What was the line his students always lived by? Something like, \u201cWine before brandy, everything\u2019s dandy. Brandy before wine\u2014won\u2019t leave you fine.\u201d That wasn\u2019t right, but it was the gist. A chuckle erupted that he quickly stifled with a raised arm. He figured Emily was already going to be in pain when she awoke and the stiffness of her fall set in. No need to add to that with the effects of alcohol. Then again\u2026 The half-smile returned as he thought again about Emily\u2019s curves, and her tipsy profession of love. \u201cBetter just keep my mind on cooking!\u201d he muttered to himself, as he grabbed an onion and started chopping.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam had never been considered a cook in the Cartwright family, and in fact his brothers always found excuses to make the meals when they were with him on a drive or camping. But he had taken an interest in culinary arts once he had left the Ponderosa. On his own he had developed a fondness for simple cooking and fine wine and had continued to help in the kitchen even after he had married, finding it a way to relax and refocus after a busy day. Tonight he was braising beef tenderloin medallions to which he would add an assortment of savory vegetables to simmer in a red wine reduction. While his guest slept, he busied himself with cooking and set his small kitchen table for two, figuring Emily would need some nourishment before setting out again.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

In the parlor, Emily awoke with a start, feeling panic at the unfamiliar surroundings that were muted even more by the coming dusk and gray fog encasing the world outside the windows. Hearing a baritone voice humming in another room, she began to remember the earlier events\u2014as well as where she was. Rising stiffly, she walked as stealthily as she was able, until she got close enough to the kitchen to observe her host without being seen. Adam\u2019s clothing was protected by a long white apron as he presided over the stove with the familiarity of someone comfortable in their surroundings. She started to smile, until the pinch she experienced from the expression reminded her of the small cut she had noted earlier.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

A thought crossed her mind that she should pinch herself to make sure this was not a dream. How else could she explain where she was? Once assuring herself that it was real, then the question that eluded her was, why? What turn of fate had dropped her here?<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Emily had known that Adam had moved to the Bay area some years back, and that he\u2019d been here for shorter stays over the years. He was a prominent businessman, a respected academic, a patron of the arts and a philanthropist, so his actions always merited notations in the Chronicle. Articles had told of his trips to the area, and later of his settling here after being offered a professorship at Berkeley. Those were followed by news of his private business, with the most recent news noting first his retirement, and then reinstatement to the faculty with a commission to work on structural tolerances in rebuilding the city. One human interest piece some years earlier had even noted that he was a widower: a morsel of information that had prompted a lot of thought before she had decided against acting on it.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The truth was that with so much public information, she could have found out where he lived, or arranged to \u201cbump\u201d into him if she had chosen to do so. But her love for him had always remained pure in nature, based on the wonder in her heart when she first realized that she liked everything about the man. Even at age twelve, she understood that he was far more than a handsome face. He was deep, intelligent, and encouraging: a perfect man. Of course there was the hope that she would meet him again, but her greatest fear over such an encounter was that all the love she\u2019d given him from afar would be exposed as fraud if he expressed no interest in her. Her fantasy could stay intact if it was never tested. Emily loved the works of Victor Hugo and held to a line from\u00a0Les Miserables<\/em>:<\/em>\u201d Not seeing people permits us to imagine them with every perfection.\u201d \u00a0She\u2019d lived in her cowardice: always wondering what might happen, while refusing to find out.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Watching Adam from the darkness, she wondered anew what this chance meeting might mean. She\u2019d often thought that perhaps she had consecrated her feelings for him so much that it was too hard to love others: expecting them to conform to an ideal. Yet, she had opened her heart\u2014even married, thinking it was the real thing. In the end her search for true love had left her suspecting that she would never again find what she\u2019d known for this man.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Deciding that standing in the dark wouldn\u2019t bring any answers, she resolved to just enjoy whatever the evening might bring and stay open to the possibilities. Clearing her throat, she walked to the doorway and stood there briefly to give Adam ample warning that she was up and moving around. \u201cIt smells heavenly,\u201d she admitted to the busy chef.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cThank you. Are you feeling better now?\u201d He indicated a comfortable chair in the kitchen. \u201cPlease, have a seat. You probably shouldn\u2019t be moving about too much just yet.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m fine. Thank you\u2026 for everything\u2014helping me outside, bringing me here and letting me rest, being so kind\u2014just everything.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cMy pleasure, I assure you.\u201d Turning toward her with a dashing smile, he continued, \u201cI haven\u2019t had a woman fall at my feet in some time.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cVery funny.\u201d\u00a0 Looking around the full kitchen for the first time, she saw the cozy table set for two, and realized in horror that he must be expecting a guest for dinner. It seemed obvious that the evening would be ending sooner than she hoped. But that was life. It could take away as rapidly as it gave. With a deep breath, she set her face with a smile. \u201cI should get going. It appears you\u2019re awaiting someone,\u201d she said, indicating the table.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam stopped stirring for a moment as a look of embarrassment shaded his features. \u201cOh, I should have asked instead of assuming you could stay for dinner. You\u2019re probably expected elsewhere. May I send word to someone to let them know that you\u2019re safe and sound\u2026or hail a cab?\u201d It wasn\u2019t like him to miss such an important detail. He\u2019d been lulled into a sense that the evening would continue at least through dinner, and hadn\u2019t even considered that there might be a family waiting for Emily wondering what had become of her. It was his turn to feel disappointment.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019d be delighted to stay. There\u2019s no one to notify. I am alone in this world and have become rather adept at being so. Having company for a meal will be much appreciated.\u201d After a moment she added, \u201cFurther, judging from the aroma of whatever is in that pan, I should be most grateful to stay since you are undoubtedly a better cook than I.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

After a quick inquiry as to where she might \u201crepair\u201d herself before dinner, Adam showed her to the bath and then retrieved her purse as she requested, handing it to her along with a fresh set of towels. Figuring that if Emily was like any other woman he\u2019d ever known, he would have a good twenty minutes before she\u2019d emerge, and so he returned to the kitchen to finish dinner. What surprised him was the odd sense of anticipation he felt as he looked forward to the remainder of the evening.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Emily entered a room lit softly by the tapers on the table. Steaming bowls of food awaited serving, and Adam stood at her chair, ready to assist. The setting was perfect, the man was perfect, and for an instant, she let herself believe that the evening would go perfectly.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

For his part, Adam was surprised to see how much repair was possible with whatever had been hiding in Emily\u2019s small\u2014but fully packed\u2014handbag. The last remnants of her fall had been washed away and replaced with fresh powder and rouge. Her hair was now neatly swept into a chignon, as it must have been before her sliding hat had pulled it askew during the fall. He had to admit that had he not known that this woman was in her 50s, he\u2019d have thought her to be much younger.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

As she sat, he detected a light, natural scent\u2014unlike the heavy, floral perfumes worn by most women. He breathed deeply, lingering a moment as he helped to adjust her chair. The presence of this lovely dinner guest nudged at those feelings he allowed entry into his subconscious earlier, and he was pretty sure that Emily\u2019s sidelong glances and soft smiles spoke to flirtation, yet he embraced a moment of self-doubt when he wondered if what he was seeing was that\u2014or merely pity for an old fool. Putting an end to his reflections, he served his fare.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The dinner was truly as delicious as it had promised to be, and they ate for a bit in companionable silence. Emily was ravenous, but tried to adjust her speed to at least appear to be ladylike, and take into account the minor swelling that was still affecting her lip. Adam smiled with raised brows as Emily moaned with pleasure at the combination of flavors on her palate. \u201cThis is so good,\u201d she repeated several times until her plate was empty.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cMore?\u201d he asked.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cNo thank you,\u201d she replied, wishing she were brazen enough to wipe her plate with the crusty bread he\u2019d supplied. \u201cMmmmm,\u201d she said again as she laid her fork down. \u201cPonderosa beef?\u201d she questioned her host.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cOf course. I have a steer butchered as needed and held at a meat locker for my use. There\u2019s no finer beef in the west.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cAgreed,\u201d she replied as her satiety increased her enjoyment of the evening. \u201cNow all I need is another brandy and a good cigar,\u201d she joked.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

One graying eyebrow rose in anticipation. \u201cWhich would you like first?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Where\u2019s There\u2019s Smoke, There Might be Fire<\/strong><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

After arguing about who should clean the mess in the kitchen, Adam finally convinced his guest that he would not allow her to do anything that night except relax. Adjourning to the parlor, he procured a small glass of brandy for each of them, but just one cigar, since she refused one for herself. But to his surprise, Emily set her glass aside and took the cigar from him; clipped the end, and struck a match. The tightly packed cylinder of tobacco sparked to life as she drew air through it.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

He stared with interest at the display, wondering if she planned on smoking it. There were many times in his life when he was not sure of the import of a woman\u2019s action, and this one confused, while simultaneously fascinated him. He\u2019d never shared a cigar with a woman before, but would consider it if he really thought that\u2019s what she wanted, but being unsure of her intentions, he decided to just watch and see what happened.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

When the ash grew too long to ignore, Emily tapped it off and handed the cigar to Adam with a laugh. \u201cMy father had breathing problems later in life, so my mother lit his cigars for him. When she passed, I did it,\u201d she explained to the curiously expressioned Cartwright. \u201cI was probably abetting a very bad habit, but it was his one guilty pleasure so I didn\u2019t deny him. I have to admit that if the cigar was a good one, I sometimes hated to give it away. Then again, ladies don\u2019t smoke cigars, do they?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cYou may smoke one with me any time you\u2019d like,\u201d was returned with a conspiratorial smile.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cThank you. But a few puffs are really all I can handle. This one is particularly good though, almost sweet.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

This time, Emily sipped her brandy more slowly, and was thankful that Adam had offered to make coffee to accompany it. As she waited for him to return with the freshly brewed pot, she walked to the bookshelves and began reading through the many titles. Her brandy sloshed as she abruptly halted to examine one small, red-leather bound book that looked all too familiar. Her cheeks began to turn much redder than her modest amount of rouge would account for, and she whirled in shock when Adam spoke from directly behind her.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

A devilish grin played at his lips as he asked, \u201cSee anything of interest?\u201d In honesty, until he had entered the room and saw Emily intently looking at one particular volume, he\u2019d forgotten the book was there.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Emily was grateful that her host moved toward the coffee table rather than remaining where he was. She was having problems putting coherent thoughts together. \u201cUm. Ah. Uh. I\u2019m afraid I spilled some of my brandy.\u201d She gave what she felt was a disarming smile and asked if he would get her a wet cloth to blot it before it stained her dress. As he left the room, she hastily set her glass aside and pulled the book from the shelf, cringing as she saw what she expected, >\u201cWhen Love Is Young\u201dI> by Emily Mills. Her thoughts raced. Why on earth would Adam Cartwright have this book of schoolgirl poetry? She\u2019d written the collection of poems as a college project, and after receiving an unsatisfactory grade from her teacher, who described them as boorish and childlike, had sent them to a publishing company to prove that they were better than he had given her credit for. She was amazed when they were published and even more amazed when it sold an unimaginable number of copies. Checking to make sure he was still in the other room, she opened to the first poem and glanced through it to see if it still said what she thought it did. Her eyes darted over the verses:<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

First Love<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

As alpha seeks omega, as Adam sought his Eve<\/em><\/p>\n

First love draws us to itself and asks us to believe.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

First Love\u2019s truth is that it knows no place or time or age<\/em><\/p>\n

It happens when we\u2019re young or old, innocent or sage.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

The saddest truth of my First Love is that he never knew<\/em><\/p>\n

He was a man: I was a child\u2014no matter, it still grew.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

You see he was my teacher, and he helped us all to know<\/em><\/p>\n

The trick to surely feel alive was that our minds must grow.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

Such was the man of my First Love\u2014a mentor and a friend<\/em><\/p>\n

His name remains etched on my heart until my life should end.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

Were I Eve in the garden, if Eden were my home<\/em><\/p>\n

I\u2019d pray that Adam find me there, no more to be alone.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

I ask God grant me one request\u2014to meet again one day<\/em><\/p>\n

To tell him of First Love\u2019s sweet breath and hear what he would say.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

But as faith does not work by will, it may not come to pass<\/em><\/p>\n

And should we never meet again, First Love will have to last.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

Known only in my silent heart, while in my soul kept secret<\/em><\/p>\n

Even so, to love this way is done without regret<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Her face now crimson, she could only hope that he had purchased the book when he saw her name as the author: perhaps had never even read it. She had to believe that this was the case. Her mind was moving at such a rate of acceleration that she again missed his entry into the room until he was standing behind her.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI thought that might be what you were looking at.\u201d He turned her toward him as he took her hand and blotted the spots where the brandy had wet the fabric, making a fuss that he was sorry, but that the stain might already have set in.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Emily eyed the man and his grin, and finally blurt, \u201cI\u2019m surprised you have this.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cIt was a gift.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cFrom your wife?\u201d Emily hoped it had been from his wife. A woman might have thought the love poems to be sweet, and he probably skimmed through a few pages to please his spouse and paid no more attention to it. She breathed a little easier until\u2026<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cFrom my father.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cYour father?\u201d Emily croaked, not able to figure out why a father would gift his son with such a book: especially if that father was Ben Cartwright. \u201cDid he know what it was?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam\u2019s grin deepened. \u201cHe did, but he had good reasons to purchase it. My father saw the book at your father\u2019s office when he was here on business many years back. He was always anxious to help out the sons and daughters of Virginia City.\u201d His features softened into a look of reflection. \u201cYou know, my father once bought a copy of my engineering textbook for everyone he knew when it was published. I can just imagine Roy Coffee and Doc Martin thanking him, while silently wondering what in blazes they would ever do with it.\u201d The smirk returned. \u201cAnyway, he bought a copy of your book before he returned home from that trip.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The blush was returning to Emily\u2019s cheeks, as she instinctively knew what was coming. Yet even though she knew she should stop now, she felt she had to play it out. \u201cSo what was the other reason, the one that made him send it to you?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cTo prove a point.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Emily\u2019s voice dropped to little more than a whisper. \u201cAnd what point was that?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam looked like a cat about to eat the canary. \u201cAfter my first day of teaching all those years ago, I went home with some grave doubts about my ability to handle a classroom. I told my father about one young lady who had been drawing hearts in her notebook, clobbered me in the face, and then acted as though she would cry if I even looked at her.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

She couldn\u2019t face Adam any longer and turned in apparent fascination with the items on his shelves. She felt just as she had all those years ago when he\u2019d caught her drawing \u201cE.M. loves A.C.\u201d on the sheet of paper she still carried in her purse to remind her of what real love should feel like. Her earlier admission of love had been given and forgotten in a haze of brandy and exhaustion, and now she felt vulnerable and embarrassed over what she knew was about to be exposed. She knew that meeting Adam again one day might end the illusion she held onto all those years, and it was now clear that her suspicions were correct. Her heart was breaking: yet not so much as she might have expected. She\u2019d held onto this love for almost 40 years and it was time to face the fact that she would never experience the eagerness and joy of a love like she had hoped for\u2014that such love didn\u2019t really exist.<\/p>\n

While these thoughts raced and tore at her heart, she felt the evening seemed the right way to finally end her childhood expectations. This situation had been unexpected, and had given her a brief respite before reality had begun to stab at her heart. It hurt, and yet the wound could be quick and clean, and heal well in time. She decided that there was no need to prolong the suffering or linger in the goodbye. \u201cWhat did your father have to say about that girl?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cHe thought she might have a schoolgirl fascination with me.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cAnd did you agree?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

He laughed. \u201cI did not.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Of course Emily knew what Ben had found in her book of poetry and pressed on. \u201cSo what was it your father hoped to prove by sending you my book?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam couldn\u2019t see the look on Emily\u2019s face and continued in a teasing tone. \u201cI think you might know that answer.\u201d He took the book from the couch where she had set it down. Holding it at arm\u2019s length while resting his opposing hand against his chest, he began reading from the first poem in an exaggerated, theatrical voice. \u201cThe saddest truth of my First Love is that he never knew. He was a man: I was a child\u2014no matter, it still grew.\u201d Then skipping ahead, he finished, \u201cYou see he was my teacher…\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cSo?\u201d Emily almost snapped, still without turning. She reevaluated her expectations that the wound be quick and clean. This was beginning to have a horrible feel to it. Exposure was one thing, but Adam\u2019s tone made her feel sleazy.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cSo my father figured he\u2019d been correct about his assessment of your feelings. He sent me the book so I\u2019d have to admit he was right.\u201d He chuckled at this admission.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Her anger flared even as her tone remained calm. \u201cYour father might have been wrong, you know. You might be wrong too. I had other teachers. It might have been one of them or simply a reference to someone who had been like a teacher to me. It\u2019s poetry, for heaven\u2019s sake. Not everything is literal.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam laughed a third time and read another line. \u201cWere I Eve in the garden, if Eden were my home, I\u2019d pray that Adam find me there, no more to be alone.\u201d He finished with one last hearty laugh. \u201cYou know, I\u2019d honestly forgotten about this until I saw you with that book, and I guess I hadn\u2019t considered that it could have been about someone else. Did you have another teacher named Adam?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

There was no reply. Emily\u2019s heart grew smaller and more shriveled each time he laughed. She found it impossible to put her thoughts into words, and finally lied. \u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

He placed the book on the edge of the shelf it had come from, sensing that he might have pushed too far in his teasing. Had he offended her feelings? He hadn\u2019t meant to do that, but that \u201cYes\u201d sounded as though it carried a weight of hurt. He tried to understand why she would feel that way. Surely she couldn\u2019t still have those feelings for him. It was absurd. She didn\u2019t even know him\u2026 and yet\u2026her statement about love earlier in the evening had been enough to prod him into examining his feelings about that emotion and how having someone love him again might make his life different.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam suddenly realized that there was more going on here than he could fathom. Not knowing what to do to make it better, he started to talk, hoping something would come out that made sense. \u201cI\u2019m sorry to have teased you. It was just that my name was mentioned\u2014twice. My father, um\u2026and I too, felt that you really meant it to be about that time back in Virginia City. But it seems we were both wrong, and I\u2019m sorry to have made so much of it. Let\u2019s just put it aside, shall we?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Emily finally turned to face him. \u201cOf course it was about you! I think I might have said something to that fact earlier. And it wasn\u2019t a \u2018schoolgirl fascination,\u2019 it was a love that I kept alive in my heart all my life. And now that I\u2019m saying this, I realize how childish it sounds.\u201d Her mind raced as tears of embarrassment and pain welled and spilled.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

After taking a quick deep breath to help stop the tears, she continued, \u201cAs far as the poem\u2026I was young and amazed when the collection was actually published. I never thought you would read it. I honestly never thought I\u2019d meet you again. Please understand that while\u00a0you<\/em>\u00a0were the object of my love, it was the feeling that I kept alive, not some sick desire for you. You touched my heart with your honestly, your encouragement and tenderness. More than anything, you made me feel as though I could do whatever I wanted in life. My heart felt whole when I was around you. That\u2019s what I\u2019ve held onto all these years. I just hoped that one day I\u2019d experience the absolute wonder of loving someone like that again.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

She looked directly at him for a moment, her posture becoming less rigid as she thought aloud. \u201cI think it was the love I\u2019d always hoped to find\u2026\u201d Her voice trailed off, \u201cAnd never did.\u201d Her back stiffened again as she finished. \u201cI owe you a debt of thanks for helping me understand what a fool I have remained all these years. Believe me, I never meant to embarrass you then\u2026or now. If you find what I wrote, funny, so be it.\u201d She breathed deeply again, this time finding enough oxygen to keep from passing out. \u201cIf you\u2019ll get my shawl, I\u2019ll leave before this gets any worse! And please don\u2019t be concerned, Professor, I\u2019ll not contact you again.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam reached out and drew her toward him as she turned to walk away. When it appeared she would say more, he simply pulled her closer. \u201cShh, Emily. I knew it was about me as soon as I read it. I\u2019ve never thought that it was foolish. Truth is, I found it endearing and that\u2019s why I packed it up and sent it along with my other volumes every time I moved. I am sorry if I hurt you. Please, don\u2019t cry. And please, don\u2019t leave just yet. The evening has been\u2026so\u2026good.\u201d Adam stopped to truly consider what the evening had been: interesting, companionable, fun…confusing. He couldn\u2019t say exactly why, but he knew he didn\u2019t want it to end\u2014not yet.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Throw A Log on the Fire, Would You, Deary?<\/strong><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Emily leaned into Adam\u2019s embrace as she inhaled his scent. It was an odd mixture of a spicy soap, braised beef, brandy and cigar, making for a strangely heady combination. She momentarily forgot her embarrassment and just breathed again. Breaking away enough to look up, she offered, \u201cI\u2019m sorry for the histrionics, Adam. It felt awful to think you\u2019d been laughing at me all these years.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

But Adam was having trouble hearing. Holding her this way was stirring ashes he thought long cold. It felt comfortable and pleasant: perhaps a lot more than pleasant. He had to gain hold of his thoughts before he could respond. \u201cI assure you that I never laughed, until tonight when I thought you were denying it…in jest. I misread the situation completely, and again, I\u2019m sorry if I hurt or embarrassed you.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

They walked together to the couch where he sat close\u2014closer than he should have to keep those ashes cool. But he had to admit that he liked stirring the fire a bit. He was always careful with fire though, and while enjoying the embers, still didn\u2019t throw a new log on the hearth. Yet, the voice in his heart that had spoken earlier seemed now to be joined now by a chorus of others telling him to just enjoy the warmth.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

***<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The evening passed far too quickly, but as it came to a close, Adam insisted that he escort Emily home, and went to hail a cab while she gathered her things.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

While alone in the house, she removed the sheet of notebook paper from her purse and glanced at it one last time. The heart she\u2019d drawn with her avowal of love for Adam Cartwright was still readable after all the years of handling. Tracing the outline of the A.C. one last time, she refolded it, tucked it into the red leather bound book of poetry, and replaced the book on the shelf where she had found it. She had decided during the evening that it should remain with the man who had started it all. The old spell was broken. It wasn\u2019t that she\u2019d stopped loving him, but she faced the fact that she couldn\u2019t continue to love him as that perfect man of her childhood dreams. Adam was real and flawed, just like everyone else. As he had teased her earlier, she found that he could be hurtful, and he didn\u2019t perfectly understand all situations as she thought he would. Yet she realized that she honestly liked this imperfect Adam even better. She had felt\u00a0this<\/em>\u00a0man\u2019s heart beat as he\u2019d held her, and she\u2019d experienced the warmth of his breath on her cheek as he\u2019d asked her to stay. This Adam was the real thing. Maybe he wasn\u2019t a perfect man, but he was a man that was perfect for her.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Emily had finished her task by the time Adam came for her. Taking his arm, she glanced back at the room where her present life was leaving its past ideals behind. She knew her life had changed in this house. How the change would affect her remained to be seen.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ooo, Baby It\u2019s Cold Outside<\/strong><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

During the course of the evening and the ride home, Emily and Adam managed to cover 40 years of history in an abbreviated format. Nothing was dwelt on, yet both participants were able to find out enough to make sense of the intervening years.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The question of how Emily had known the \u201cProfessor\u201d when he came to her aid became clear as she noted seeing articles about him that included pictures. He laughed when she avowed that he was far more handsome in person than the grainy pictures could ever convey.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam didn\u2019t explain his departure from Virginia City more than to say he needed a change. He had gone back East, and eventually wed a woman named Melinda, a teacher he had first met in Boston when he had been there for college. He recounted, \u201cI was pruning trees for my grandfather the first time I saw her and fell off the ladder when I leaned out to get a better look. So you see,\u201d he told Emily with a chuckle, \u201cfalling in front of people is something we have in common.\u201d After they married, he accepted a position with an international engineering firm, and they traveled in Europe and the Near East for a few years as he consulted on various projects.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cIt was a happy marriage,\u201d he admitted to Emily\u2019s question, and his eyes danced as he mentioned returning to the states after their son, Abel, was born. But darkness overtook him as he recounted that his wife and child died while visiting his family in Nevada. \u201cI\u2019ve never forgiven myself for allowing them to go to the lake without me. I had business in town and had asked one of the hands, to take them out and stay with them until I could make it there a little later.\u00a0 But\u2026\u201d Adam\u2019s voice grew quieter as he recounted the incident, \u201cMelinda promised me they\u2019d just have a picnic and fish from shore until I got there to take Abel out in the boat. But I was delayed\u2026and she took the boat out alone, telling the hand that she knew how to row and would only go out a short distance just to please Abel before they headed for home. Those winds on Tahoe were always unpredictable, but she didn\u2019t know that, and from what the hand told me, a rogue gust took the boat out faster than Melinda could row back and it overturned when a swell caught them from the side. It\u2019s such a deep, cold lake\u2026and the icy water took no particular pity for a woman or child, claiming their strength before the ranch hand could save them.\u201d His voice was overtaken by a reflective pain, \u201cYou don\u2019t ever get over that guilt or wondering why\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

He stopped his narrative to wonder why he was telling all this to a stranger, but\u00a0this<\/em>\u00a0stranger didn\u2019t pat his hand; tell him that it was God\u2019s will, or that it was \u201cfor the best\u201d as others always did. He\u2019d honestly never told anyone else the whole story, and when he had to, would just relate that his family had died in an accident. But Emily\u2019s listening\u2014with no sense of shock, pity or judgment\u2014had encouraged him, and her quiet attention was all it had taken for him to speak of his pain and complicity. He had always blamed himself for their deaths, but had also realized along the way that that life wasn\u2019t fair and there weren\u2019t always good answers for why things happened. Talking with Emily made him realized that it had been a very long time since someone had been his focused listener, and knew that even though he was satisfied by his present life, he missed this kind of intimate connection to one person.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Emily waited as Adam stopped talking, unwilling to disturb his thoughts. Although he didn\u2019t say it outright, she figured that he had never returned to the Ponderosa after the tragedy. As the conversation resumed she noted the pride in his voice as he talked about his youngest brother, Joe, telling of how \u201cthe kid\u201d had kept his father and the ranch going after Hoss had died, unexpectedly young. The palpable grief that had hung in the air during the story of losing his wife and child, returned briefly with the mention of Hoss\u2019s death. His tone turned reflective as he spoke of his father\u2019s passing and how the man had worked up until the last day of his life: still in love with the land he had secured and prospered.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The day had been balmy, but after the rain, was now cool. Adam noted that Emily began shivering and her teeth chattered when she tried to speak. Realizing that he should have brought a blanket, he removed his own coat and reached to drape it around her.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cOh no you don\u2019t.\u201d Emily\u2019s teeth providing a quick staccato as she spoke. \u201cThere\u2019s n-no n-need for y-you to f-freeze.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Misunderstanding her intent, Adam flashed, \u201cBetter I freeze, than you. I might be old, but please allow me to remain a gentleman.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Emily gave him a withering look and responded with less dental percussion, \u201cWho said anything about being old? I just said you didn\u2019t have to f-freeze.\u201d She laughed as Adam\u2019s face relaxed. \u201cHere,\u201d she moved closer to him on the seat, handing him one side of his coat. \u201cPut that over your shoulder, and I\u2019ll do the same with the other side. We\u2019ll use it like a blanket and both stay warm.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cMarvelous idea,\u201d he admitted as he angled himself so that Emily could snuggle in closer for maximum wrap. As he reached his arm around her shoulders to free even more space next to him, he realized he was feeling very comfortable even after knowing her for only a few hours. It seemed he\u2019d always known her, and while that was true in theory, it was not in fact. But Emily was prompting thoughts and even emotions that he hadn\u2019t experienced in many years. He tried to put a word to the feeling, and when it came to him, he felt cold panic\u2019s breath whisper down the back of his neck. He was\u00a0interested<\/em>\u00a0in her, and it didn\u2019t sit well with the man who had resolved that interest in a woman was off-limits. Adam shut out those thoughts and concentrated on Emily\u2019s voice. She was asking about his teaching career.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cAfter\u2026Nevada,\u201d he explained that he had returned to Boston where he cared for his grandfather in his last days and earned an advanced degree at Harvard. After that he went to Baltimore, studying for his Ph.D. at Johns Hopkins. With one of the first doctorates in his field, he taught at Harvard for a few years and then began to travel again, finally settling in San Francisco to teach at Berkeley. He retired in 1905, but was asked to return to teaching after the earthquake, explaining, \u201cThe city government may be corrupt but they were quick to understand that there are better ways to construct buildings to withstand natural forces. They came to Berkeley asking for plans that would do that, and the school asked me to come back to help figure out tolerance equations\u2014something I\u2019m truly enjoying.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cAnd what of you?\u201d Adam asked turning the conversation to his companion. \u201cWhat have you been doing these years?\u201d He laughed heartily after hearing that she had gone into law. To her puzzled and slightly hurt expression he quickly explained that he figured she must be a lawyer because she could think\u2014and speak\u2014so fast on her feet, as evidenced by her verbal barrage when she\u2019d thought him insensitive earlier. He agreed with her explanation that as a woman in law, she had to think and talk twice as fast as any man she came up against in court.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam took a moment to inquire into her life as a poet. \u201cDid you continue to write? I looked once years ago, but found nothing more under your name.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cHa!\u201d she laughed. \u201cThat book gave me a lot of freedom. The money it brought has made my life much easier. But I understood my limitations and now only write as a law professional. I\u2019d venture that no one has read an Emily Mills poem for a good 20 years. That is until tonight.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cHonestly, I think you\u2019re too hard on yourself about that work. It is what it is, and each poem reads very nicely. Some were very deep for a young person. The poetry is simple and sincere and I can see what people like about it. We should just be honored when others respect or are touched by our work.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Emily proffered her thanks and told him that this was how she had come to feel about the book too. It was only in front of others that she diminished it, and now resolved to stop doing that. She snuggled tightly against him.\u00a0Shameless hussy<\/em>,<\/em>\u00a0she laughed in her mind.\u00a0What will the man think?<\/em>\u00a0Unfortunately she knew what he\u2019d think\u2026that she was still cold. Her best efforts throughout the evening had led to a few sweet moments and brief looks that implied growing interest from the man, but she couldn\u2019t quite seem to break through the wall that kept him at a distance.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cDid you marry?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cHmm?\u201d She was brought back to the present by his question. \u201cOh, yes, I did. Funny though, I married a man named Milles\u2014with an e, but pronounced the same. It proved rather a convenient transition after the divorce. Legally, I\u2019m still Emily Milles, but I use my old spelling the rest of the time.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m sorry it didn\u2019t work out.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cDon\u2019t be, Adam. We remain friends. Marshall and I married mostly because we thought we should. Others in our circle were marrying, and even though we weren\u2019t madly in love, we felt that would come. It went well enough for about five years and then became dicey. I decided that even though he would never be the great love of my life, he was still my life, and I put all my effort into our marriage. He did not share that opinion and eventually became a most disagreeable husband while being finely mannered to his mistresses. While some women might have suffered in silence and become martyrs to their marriage, I couldn\u2019t do that. We each had means and there were no children, so the dissolution was fairly painless\u2014especially since I caught him in a hotel room with the wife of his richest client.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam would have loved to hear more about that encounter, but asked instead, \u201cYou didn\u2019t remarry?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cNever found a person I liked more than Marshall and wasn\u2019t going through that again with someone I loved less.\u201d She chuckled, as she pulled deeper into the coat and closer still to him. \u201cI always marveled at how some women I knew and had even advised in legal matters, would free themselves of a tyrant or philanderer, and then fall back in with the same kind of man in a heartbeat. I came to realize that they could stand the pain and embarrassment of being in a bad marriage more easily than they handled being alone.\u00a0 I chose to submerge my life in my work, to fight for causes and to help my parents until they both passed. I have to say there are moments when the loneliness feels encompassing\u2026but never so much so that I\u2019d want things to return to what they were with Marshall.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam\u2019s brow had lifted as she had told him about her life. She had not experienced the same amount of loss as he had, but she had certainly known challenges and sorrow. He was definitely experiencing an interesting evening with an intriguing woman. \u201cI see. So you really meant it when you said you were alone.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI always speak the truth, Adam.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The remainder of the ride was spent talking about current projects. Emily shared that she worked mostly in estate and business law, but enjoyed her work with charitable organizations, while Adam said he was teaching several classes, working with the city and had a few bright students as apprentices in his office.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The final thing he shared was that he was returning home to the Ponderosa in a month. Joe\u2019s youngest son was getting married, and Adam had decided to make the trip, perhaps, he\u2019d opined, for the last time.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The pair was startled when the cab slowed, finally stopping outside a generous house where Adam requested that the driver wait while he escorted Emily to the door. He took her key and walked her into the house where a single lamp burned in the foyer.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Before he could move away, Emily took his hands for a moment. \u201cThank you again, Adam. I haven\u2019t had such a lovely evening in a long time.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

His eyes seemed to look past her and then to the floor as he replied, \u201cIt was great fun reliving old memories and catching up, but I should be going. You need to rest now. It\u2019s been a long day and you did take quite a tumble.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

She tried to meet his eyes, but they remained downcast. \u201cWill I ever see you again?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cPerhaps in passing, or we might plan another reunion at some point.\u201d He looked up briefly, but what shown on his face was unreadable.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The Fundamental Things Apply<\/strong><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

They continued standing in her foyer as Emily\u2019s confusion roiled. The night had been pleasant, and she thought Adam had enjoyed the evening as much as she had. After considering this for a moment longer, she decided there was only one way to figure out what was happening, and asked. \u201cHave I done something wrong? Said something that makes you unwilling to see me again, other than \u2018in passing\u2019?\u201d Emily remembered Adam telling her that she was intuitive, but her intuition was jumbled now. As she waited for him to answer, she considered two options. Maybe he wasn\u2019t interested in starting a relationship, or what she feared more was that he was just not interested in starting one with her. Yet, there was something else happening here. She sensed a shyness emanating from the man who could have never been described as shy.\u00a0 What was it? She was still wondering as he spoke again.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cEmily, I\u2019m old enough to be your father. I know that may sound silly, but some days I feel every year of my life.\u201d\u00a0 His voice trailed off as he finished, \u201cAnd I have only known solitude for so long now\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

In a rush of emotion, Emily understood. It wasn\u2019t her\u2014exactly. It was the accumulation of time and loss that was keeping him from wanting to chance something new. She knew she couldn\u2019t compete with old loves or the sadness of the past. All she could offer was life in the present, and she decided to challenge his fears.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

She reached to take his hat from his head and moved her hand across the smoothness that had once held that magnificent shock of raven hair. \u201cHmm,\u201d she commented. \u201cSeems you have a little less hair on top and a lot more on your chin.\u201d Laying the hat on the table next to her, she took his face in her hands so he would have to look at her. \u201cBut other than that, Professor Cartwright, I still see the handsome man I saw all those years ago at the front of the classroom. You made my knees weak then and you have the same effect now. We had a very nice evening together: you just said as much yourself. And our age difference means nothing now, so stop with the\u00a0Stages of Man<\/em>\u00a0monologue and just look at me. You are not in your second childhood yet, sir. Your pants fit you just fine and your voice is full and strong.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam met her eyes as she commented on his appearance, but looked away as she finished her statement. How could he see her again? He had come to an \u201cunderstanding\u201d with sadness and loss and wasn\u2019t willing to expose himself again. Not now. Not after working so hard to forget: to tamp down the remembrances of love, and hide the scars of pain he had experienced with the death of each person he had loved. He had learned to rely only on himself. This was what he could trust. Not love, not desire, not another person.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

And yet, as she spoke of her attraction and caring for him, he knew all the work he had done would be lost if he looked into her eyes. He convinced himself that the only thing to do would be to turn and move away without more discourse\u2014perhaps waving and thanking her again for the pleasant evening as he walked to the cab. That was it, the way to make a graceful exit and return to the sanctuary of his home and privacy. It wouldn\u2019t hurt Emily. After all, this meeting wasn\u2019t planned and it would be best to stop it now before it got any harder.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

At that moment, Emily spoke again, \u201cI\u2019m sure you\u2019re thinking of every good reason to walk away. You can come up with a hundred of them if you think long enough. But the man I knew so long ago challenged us to find the truth and never make choices based on fear. So I\u2019m asking if you can find one reason to stay. If the truth is that after all that thinking, you can\u2019t find just one reason, then leave. I\u2019ll let you go without another word.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam was telling himself to turn and go as that whisper in his heart told him again to listen. The voice got louder as he took a step backward and turned to leave. \u201cI have to go.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

But as he neared the doorway he thought of this woman he had only met again tonight. And without understanding the reason, he didn\u2019t continue out the door, but rather turned back and walked to look directly at her. He found his truth: what he hadn\u2019t thought possible. There in Emily\u2019s eyes he saw his own hope and even more improbably, a future. After living so long trying to forget the past, he was overwhelmed by the feeling that his life could be full again.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam reached out and drew Emily to him. A sigh escaped his lips as he embraced her. \u201cWell, maybe there is one reason.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

His lips gently met hers. She had no desire to release this kiss now, or ever, but finally pulled away just enough to see his expression. He was wearing a lopsided grin.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cNow,\u00a0that<\/em>\u00a0was a nice way to end an evening,\u201d she teased him at lip\u2019s distance.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cYes, it was.\u201d His chest rumbled with a low chuckle, \u201cHave to admit that for a second I thought maybe I\u2019d forgotten how to do\u00a0that<\/em>.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWell, you have remarkable powers of recall, Professor. Perhaps a bit more pract\u2026?\u201d Her words were muffled as his lips returned for another kiss. This time there was no restraint by either of them. The kiss was long and deep, and when Adam gently kissed the area on her lip that remained tender from earlier, she embraced him more tightly and hung on for dear life.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cGoodnight,\u201d he whispered to her as he broke away. \u201cI\u2019ll return for you tomorrow night at 6:30. But right now you need rest, and heaven knows I\u2019m going to need a little time to recover as well.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

He waited outside until he heard her lock turn over before moving to the cab for the lonely ride home. The driver smiled and tipped his hat as he opened the door. Adam asked to be dropped off a block from his home: walking the remainder of the way to release the bound up energy he felt. He met two passersby who smiled broadly at him, leaving him slightly dumbfounded until he realized that he wore a smile that was simply being returned. He felt happy: a deep satisfied happiness he hadn\u2019t known for so long. Breathing in the cool mist of night, he vowed to take this all slowly and cautiously. \u201cI\u2019m honestly too old for all of this foolery,\u201d he remarked sternly as he entered his door.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The smile continued even through the cleanup he\u2019d forgotten remained in his kitchen. The presence of two glasses and two sets of tableware gave evidence that the night had been real. Remembering their parting kiss, he felt her lips on his once more, and grinned wickedly before shoving a dirty plate into the soapy water to scrub.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

He ran through the events of the evening, trying to figure out how it had gone from a simple reunion to an unforgettable goodbye and promise of more to come. He knew that as he\u2019d tried to distance himself from any interest in his guest, he had felt himself pushed into paying attention from a niggling in his heart. Adam wasn\u2019t prone to believe in spirits or visitations from beyond, but he had to admit that there were times when he \u201cheard\u201d his father and Hoss speaking to him. He\u2019d always suspected that he merely ran through past conversations he\u2019d had with them and applied what they\u2019d talked about to his current situation. Yet, sometimes\u2014like tonight\u2014he \u201cfelt\u201d them nudging him forward. Sometimes he even \u201csensed\u201d their humor or concern giving him encouragement, or warning. There was only encouragement tonight urging him to accept what was happening without over-thinking it. And as he had turned to leave Emily\u2014after deciding that he couldn\u2019t let the evening progress any further\u2014he had actually sensed a strong message. He remembered his father\u2019s voice clearly, \u201cAdam, when heaven drops a gift at your feet, it is ungracious to return it unopened.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

After his kitchen was returned to order, he slipped beneath his sheets, feeling their coolness against his skin. Settling his arms behind his head, he directed a question to those who still watched over him. \u201cSo what do you all know that I don\u2019t?\u201d Exhaustion enveloped him as he mumbled a last question. \u201cWhat have I gotten myself into?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

****<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Preparing to see Emily the next evening had Adam smiling. So what if he was seventy\u2026something. Tonight he felt thirty and alive! When he was ready, he grabbed his hat\u2014the same style black, round brimmed Stetson he had worn since he could remember\u2014and headed out to his waiting carriage. He had hired a driver to avoid having the down time of parking and retrieving it at the restaurant, and was exceptionally glad for his decision when he exited his door to find a light bay mist swirling in the light of the street lamp.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

At her house, Emily was having problems concentrating and couldn\u2019t decide what to wear. She finally choose a deep violet dress with crystal beading and a style that enhanced her figure, dropping deeply enough in front to accent her d\u00e9colletage while still being elegant. Her only jewelry was diamond drops in her ears along with a suspended solitaire she had inherited from her mother\u2014sitting nicely in that d\u00e9colletage. She was ready when she saw the carriage pull to a stop out front but waited a proper amount of time from the first ring of the doorbell before walking slowly to admit her caller. Emily was having trouble breathing, and it wasn\u2019t that her corset was pulled too tight. Pausing before turning the knob, she composed herself, slowed her breathing, fanned her face and finally pulled the door open.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam\u2019s eyes spoke what his words didn\u2019t as they drifted appreciatively from the top of her head right down to her toes. The color of the dress made her eyes seem bluer and her hair more golden, and he felt as though he were seeing her for the first time.\u00a0How could I have missed how beautiful she is? And more importantly why is this woman interested in me?I>Adam stepped across the threshold shedding his damp topcoat as he thought further,\u00a0But I don\u2019t care<\/em>,<\/em>\u00a0and gathered her in his arms. \u201cI\u2019ve missed you,\u201d he breathed into her hair.<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Stepping back he again ran his eyes over her body, settling on the suspended pendant.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cAh, Adam?\u201d She finally remarked when he seemed not to move<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cOh, um, I\u2019m sorry, I was just admiring\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI know what you were admiring.\u201d She reached out to draw him near.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The kiss he gave in greeting was hardly chaste, but stopped short of passionate. \u201cShall we go?\u201d he asked without moving.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cMmhmm,\u201d she replied without breaking the embrace.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

They both began to chuckle. \u201cWe\u2019re behaving like a couple of kids,\u201d he said.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cTonight we are a couple of kids. Would you like a drink before we leave?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cActually, we should go. I have the feeling I shall want to remain clear headed for a while longer to introduce you to the wonders of my favorite wine before you lose all sensibilities tonight.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cSo, you intend on getting me drunk and perhaps using that to your advantage?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cHmm, hadn\u2019t planned that, but now that you mention it\u2026.\u201d He pulled her toward him, nuzzling her ear before grabbing their coats and leading her to the door.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

***<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Sitting across from each other at the window table of the restaurant, candlelight twinkled in Adam\u2019s dark eyes, while the crystals on Emily\u2019s dress created a soft glow around her reflection in the panes of glass. The small restaurant featured Continental cuisine, but the wine and beef was American. The Barkley family, California friends of the Cartwrights, had taken up the art of growing grapes and creating exquisite wines, which the couple now sampled. Emily was not a wine connoisseur, but she knew what she liked and this was it. The beef was of course Nevadan, from one particular ranch, and it had been Adam Cartwright who had marketed both the wine and beef to the restaurant some years back.\u00a0 Consequently, he had been greeted as royalty when they had entered and they\u2019d been doted over by the staff and the owner, Andre, since their arrival.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Between courses they held hands across the table as they spoke quietly. Other diners smiled as they watched, thinking them long in love, rather than a newly acquainted couple on their first night out together.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The evening again ended too soon with Adam breaking the spell to escort Emily home with a promise to return the following night.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Communications 101:<\/strong><\/p>\n

A Message is Only Considered Properly Given if Understood by the Listener\u2026<\/strong><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam felt a weight lifting from his shoulders as he prepared for his daily rendezvous with Emily, They\u2019d been together every night for almost three weeks and he\u2019d admitted to himself that he was tired. That sounded awful, but it was true. He\u2019d rush through his day to get home and prepare for the evening, then rush to Emily\u2019s home to pick her up or spend a few hours together at her place. And he\u2019d finally rush home\u2014always later than planned\u2014and try to sleep enough to be alert for the following day when the routine would start all over again. He\u2019d made a decision after concluding that he wasn\u2019t happy with the arrangement as it stood, and planned to put an end to the rushing tonight.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Taking a final look in the mirror, he released a sigh of gratitude, knowing this would be the last time he\u2019d be heading out to see Emily. He\u2019d dressed in his best suit but his tie was off-kilter as usual. He knew Emily would help him adjust it when he got to her house, and smiled at the many times this ritual had already been performed. There were some aspects of their seeing each other in this way that he would miss, but not the pace of it. Grabbing his hat and coat, he reached back for an envelope he\u2019d left on the table near the door, stuck it deep in his pocket and headed out to the waiting carriage.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

He looked up the street as he moved to the coach. It was here that he\u2019d first met Emily again. The three weeks since had proved to be a delightful time of youthful romance and courting\u2014by a man who was not feeling youthful. It made him wistful for the days when he could have wrangled cattle, mended fences and rode the range with his brothers all-day, and still kept company with his lady of interest until deep into the night\u2014ready to ride again early the next morning. \u00a0But those days were long past and Adam had to accept that he was not equal to the life of a young suitor any longer.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

***<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The patronage was light at Caf\u00e9 DuBay, but the tables around Emily and Adam were occupied. Lit by the candle\u2019s soft flow, they were sipping a fine Barkley cabernet, when Adam reached for Emily\u2019s hand.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Her intuition told her that this night was going to be special. She\u2019d noted his beautifully cut suit and the lightness of his step as he had ambled toward her door earlier and wondered what he had up his sleeve. He\u2019d looked so young and handsome that her breath had caught and she\u2019d quickly slid the curtain back into place so as not to be caught spying. She\u2019d adjusted his tie as had come to be the norm, and as always, he\u2019d given her a kiss, \u201cto seal the knot.\u201d The thought made her smile now as she contemplated whether he really couldn\u2019t tie a bow, or just liked her fussing over him.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam was holding her hand and saying something about being tired when Emily pulled from her private musings to pay attention. \u201cPardon me? I\u2019m sorry, Adam; I didn\u2019t hear what you just said.\u201d A mild blush colored her cheeks with the admission of her inattentiveness.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

He gave her a questioning look and started over. \u201cEmily, I said that I can\u2019t continue with the pace we\u2019ve been setting. I\u2019ve enjoyed these weeks very much, but I\u2019m tired, and don\u2019t want to be in a rush every day.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Emily\u2019s hand fairly ripped from his, as she fought to understand what was going on. \u201cWhy did you bring me here tonight, Adam?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam\u2019s face registered his confusion. \u201cIt\u2019s rather become \u2018our place,\u2019 or so I thought. It just seemed reasonable to do this here.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWhat?\u201d Emily\u2019s confused look mirrored that of the man she had come to love deeply. It didn\u2019t seem to make sense, but his words made clear what was happening. Yet she couldn\u2019t understand why he would bring her to \u201ctheir\u201d place to tell her of his decision to leave her. She gave a wounded laugh. \u201cYou brought me here to tell me you\u2019re tired of seeing me? Adam, you could have done this at my door last night. Why make such a formal presentation?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam tried to calm her. \u201cEmily, I didn\u2019t say I was tired of seeing you. It\u2019s the distance and the time, and\u2026\u201d He tried again, \u201cIt\u2019s the \u2018situation\u2019 I\u2019m tired of.\u201d His attempts at explaining resulted in Emily\u2019s eyes widening even further as a panicked look swept her features.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Emily rethought her earlier opinion as Adam\u2019s explanation hung between them.\u00a0Some \u201cspecial evening\u201d this is turning out to be.I> His words told her that he didn\u2019t care to put more effort into this. He\u2019d tried, but he was tired. \u00a0Oh my lord<\/em>,<\/em>\u00a0she thought as reality sunk in.<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Her color rose to bright red as she stood and walked to his chair to be heard without raising her voice. All she could think of as a defense to this rejection was to leave\u2026as quickly as possible before he said anything else that would burn in her heart like a hot coal. She rested her hand briefly on his shoulder as she leaned toward him; her voice soft, but faltering as she fought her urge to cry. \u201cI understand, Adam. I think I told you the night we met that if you couldn\u2019t go ahead with this, all you had to do was walk away. I\u2019ll make this as easy as possible and leave so you won\u2019t have to explain any further. Thank you for being so\u2026honest.\u201d Emily rushed from the table as her last words were left for him to digest.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam\u2019s mouth formed an oval, but remained mute.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Andre, noting that Emily had left in tears, moved quickly to the table, and found his old friend looking staggered.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Once it sunk in that Emily wasn\u2019t coming back, Adam arranged for the wine to be added to his tab in a series of terse grunts toward Andre, and rushed through the other patrons to exit the restaurant. He was too late; Emily was gone. Adam was furious with many things, not the least of them was that while he\u2019d always had to wait for a cab, Emily had managed to find one immediately.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

What in heaven\u2019s name did I say?I> He paced along the windows that fronted the restaurant, replaying their conversation in his mind. He had simply said he was tired of the current arrangement.\u00a0It\u2019s true. Surely she\u2019s feeling just as rushed as I. Who can possibly keep up with this: the distance between our homes, work, and evenings that go too quickly and end too late?<\/em><\/em>\u00a0The pacing continued as he thought about her comments. >Why did she react that way? What made her think I was tired of her\u2026I> As his mental outburst ebbed, Emily\u2019s words finally began to sift through the fog of hurt and anger as he realized that they had been having two different conversations about the same topic. A moan drifted straight from his heart as he spoke softly to himself. \u201cDoes this ever get any easier?\u201d He continued to think about what had just transpired. He\u2019d never been good at explaining his feelings, and got it wrong again, and admitted aloud, \u201cWhat I said was true; it\u2019s what I didn\u2019t say that caused the confusion.\u201d He wondered whether he could make this right, but reasoned the only way to know was to try, and retrieved his carriage to head toward Emily\u2019s home.<\/em>.<\/em>\u00a0She had stopped moving, hiding just out of sight behind a hedge on the property line of her yard.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Emily didn\u2019t return home. She had the cab take her to the cemetery where her parents had been laid to rest. The park was deserted, lit only by a thin sliver of red daylight playing on the edge of night. Emily sat on the hard concrete bench facing their crypts; buried her face in her hands, and wept. When the tears slowed, she spoke to her parents. \u201cHow could I not see that he was tiring of me? Do I love him so much that I was blind to the fact that he doesn\u2019t love me too? How could I miss that? Everything seemed so\u2026good. It just doesn\u2019t make sense. Maybe Adam was right about one thing; I guess I\u2019m tired too. That might account for why I couldn\u2019t see things as they actually were. Papa, you always said I didn\u2019t see clearly in matters of the heart, and I guess things haven\u2019t changed much.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

She became thoughtful for a moment, giving a wry laugh. \u201cIt was a grand send off though, don\u2019t you think? I never had a man get all dressed up to declare my redundancy before. Most of them just stopped calling on me.\u201d Dabbing her sniffles, she added. \u201cI guess it\u2019s best this way. No wondering or worrying, just the lance sticking out of my back with the words, \u2018you tire me\u2019 burned into the handle.\u201d She sat there a while longer as she let the evening breeze dry her tears, deciding to head home only when the damp San Francisco mist began to chill the evening air.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Her house was not far from the cemetery and Emily walked there slowly, not wishing to face the loneliness just yet.\u00a0 She\u2019d never felt this way before, but now it drenched her. The ache cut through to her soul, and her clothing weighed her down to the point where she could have simply sat on a lawn bordering the walk and stayed there forever.\u00a0C\u2019mon, Emily. You\u2019re a big girl and you\u2019ll get over this,<\/em>\u00a0she lied to herself, for she knew this would take a whole lot of getting over.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

She saw the carriage before seeing him sitting on the top porch step, protected from the mist by the overhang of the roof. She figured that since she hadn\u2019t let him have his say before leaving the restaurant, he probably felt he needed to explain himself further. In her bitterness, she thought of turning around and heading away. > But where is \u201caway\u201d? It\u2019s my house. I shouldn\u2019t have to catch a chill walking around in the drizzle until he leaves<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Observing Adam for moment\u2014shoulders bent forward, arms resting on his knees\u2014she wondered if he had come to apologize, or to merely express his anger at her hasty departure. Emily knew that she would miss Adam with every bit of her heart, but resolved that it was time to end this and move forward without him. It wasn\u2019t what she wanted, but it now seemed that she had no other choice. She mindfully removed the lance that she\u2019d felt between her shoulder blades since Adam had thrust it there at the restaurant, and carried it with her as she strode to the porch just as a bullfighter enters the ring. Without realizing that she was doing it, she gently swung the fullness of her skirt, as a matador would his cape to taunt the bull.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Jumping To Conclusions Can Often Result in Serious Injury to the Heart<\/strong><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam patted the porch next to him as she approached. \u201cPlease sit down, Emily.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

She continued to stand where she had stopped, testing his anger and resolve. \u201cI think I got the gist of this at the restaurant, Adam, so you needn\u2019t say more. You gave this relationship a try and it didn\u2019t work out. I accept that, and thank you for three lovely weeks of your time.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

She\u2019d done it again: the man was speechless. With this advantage, she took her stance and prepared to use the lance she\u2019d drawn from her own back to sink the mortal wound into this affair. With a look of sadness, she performed her estocada. \u201cI\u2019m sure you\u2019re \u2018tired\u2019 now, and should probably go home and rest.\u201d It had not been a fight: he hadn\u2019t even charged her cape or tried to advance. This puzzled her, but she was exhausted, and wanted desperately to escape into the sanctuary of her home.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Emily tried to leave the arena, but as she passed Adam on the steps, he reached for her hand, and pulled her down next to him. \u201cEmily Mills, did it ever occur to you that you might have jumped to an erroneous conclusion? I wouldn\u2019t want to face you in court, across a poker table or in a bullring. You have steel in your spine, and I admire that very much\u2014except when it\u2019s being directed at me.\u201d He held his fingers to her lips as she tried to speak in her defense. \u201cAnd when you get wound up\u2026well\u2026you do get a lot of words out in a short amount of time.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam\u2019s free hand moved into his pocket and pulled out the envelope he\u2019d stowed there before leaving for dinner. \u201cI know that I got this night off to a bad start and deserve everything you\u2019ve said. But Emily, what I told you is the truth. I am tired: tired of wanting you all day, then rushing to be with you and going home alone to an empty house, while I leave you here, alone. I\u2019m tired of loving you in a rush. I want to love you slowly, every day, every night and all the hours in between. In case I wasn\u2019t clear enough in this: I love you. I should have said that to start with.\u201d He smiled. \u201cI think that might have removed a lot of your confusion.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

It was Emily who remained speechless now.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam\u2019s fingers disappeared into the envelope. \u201cThis was my grandmother\u2019s ring.\u201d He slipped the golden band bearing a single, perfect pearl onto her finger. \u201cWhen my grandfather gave this to me, he told me he had given it to my grandmother, saying that he had found a pearl of great value in her, and was forsaking all else to have her with him forever. This is how I feel about you.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cHowever, I can hardly be considered a great catch. I\u2019m old, my joints creak, I tire easily\u2014sometimes, and my years with you may be limited. But knowing all this, will you marry me?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Finding her voice and humor, she asked, \u201cAre you sure you want to marry a quarrelsome woman with a quick-triggered tongue, who misunderstands things from time to time?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cHmm,\u201d he teased, \u201cYes, but only if the quarrelsome woman is you.\u201d He paused, \u201cBut before you answer, we must have an understanding.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

She had rested her head on his shoulder, but sat up to hear what he was about to ask of her.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cEven if all things go as well as possible, I will not live to our 25th anniversary. Let\u2019s say I\u2019ll shoot for ten and see what happens after that.\u201d He chuckled, but quickly became serious again. \u201cYou must promise that you will remain strong and calm, even if my life declines or when I have to leave you behind. In the meantime, we\u2019ll take as much as we\u2019re given for as long as it lasts, and resolve to face whatever may come without regret. Will you do that?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Emily nodded, unable to make the promise verbally without dissolving into tears.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWell, then, Miss Mills, will you do the honor of marrying me?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

She took Adam\u2019s face in her hands, kissed him and while nose-to-nose, replied, \u201cI love you with all my heart, Adam Cartwright, and will marry you any time, any place\u2014you name it, I\u2019ll be there.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

He winked at his bride to be. \u201cHow about tomorrow?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Marry in Haste: Repent in Leisure\u2026Or Perhaps\u2026They Lived Happily Ever After<\/strong><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Thanks to assistance from a judicial official in expediting their license, the couple was married the next afternoon in a ten minute ceremony witnessed by a bailiff and the judge\u2019s secretary who were conscripted into duty. Adam and Emily were in love, and in haste to be together. Nothing else mattered.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Andre had pulled together a grand celebration at his restaurant following the brief ceremony, and with Adam\u2019s assistance a few days earlier, had even managed to invite several of the couple\u2019s friends to share in the festivities. The poor restaurateur had wondered whether he should cancel the event after the proposal had gone awry the night before. But he\u2019d placed his trust in the ability of his old friend to get things back on track, and was rewarded when Adam had stopped early that morning to announce that the nuptials would take place as planned.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

As Adam escorted his wife into the restaurant, the gathered friends shouted their congratulations while tossing streamers and popping champagne corks. Emily eyed Adam, asking, \u201cHow did Andre know about this?\u201d But then she recalled the man\u2019s stricken face as she had passed him on the way out of his restaurant the night before. He had obviously been in on Adam\u2019s intention all along. \u201cForget that question. I think you two had this all planned, so maybe the better question would be: what made you so sure I would accept your proposal?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Her husband leaned to her ear and purred, \u201c\u2019Were I Eve in the garden, if Eden were my home, I\u2019d pray that Adam find me there, no more to be alone.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The look on Emily\u2019s face ranged from a grin to near tears as she considered that her dreams of all those years ago had come true. She brought his hand to her lips and kissed it gently.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

They would have stayed in a hotel for their first night together as a way to be away from anything in either of their homes that would distract them. But there were few establishments that had been adequately repaired since the quake, and those were continuously full. Being a gentleman, Adam agreed to return to Emily\u2019s home where she would have access to all those things a woman seems to need.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam leaned in the doorway watching as Emily brushed her hair, and she glanced up to smile at him. This simple loving gesture flooded his mind with understanding. He knew now that when he had first thought he could see his future in her eyes, it was because they were the eyes of a woman in love. The love had been there from her first tipsy avowal of caring for him and had deepened over the next weeks\u2014never wavering\u2014even when she\u2019d looked across the table at him thinking he had grown tired of her. He went to her, took the brush from her hand, laying it on the dressing table, and helped her rise. Cupping her face with his hands he looked again into her eyes, and found such love, desire and passion that he moaned softly while pulling her to him.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

As they moved together to her bed, Emily asked a question that had played on her mind since the first day they had spent time together. \u201cThe night we met, you struggled with wanting to see me again, and I asked you to find one reason to do so. But you had already resolved to leave and had moved to the door when you turned around again. What made you come back?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

His answer of, \u201cI\u2019d forgotten my hat,\u201d broke the romantic mood, and as Emily took a step back from his embrace, she reached down to the bed. The pillow she swung, hit Adam\u2019s mid-section with enough force to cause him to fall backward onto the bed.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

As he fell, he grabbed her arms, pulling her and her feather laden weapon down with him. \u201cWhat are you so upset about, my love?\u201d He asked with a rakish grin. \u201cYou asked, and I told you the truth. It was an expensive Stetson that I liked very much and didn\u2019t want to leave behind. There\u2019s no need to resort to violence.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Emily\u2019s protests were muffled as Adam kissed her into silence. Caressing her face as he kissed her again, he whispered, \u201cOh, I also came back because of the inexplicable fact that in a few brief hours, I had fallen in love with you.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

As she drifted to sleep that night, Emily finally understood that Adam Cartwright was the only man who could have ever made her feel complete and whole. It had been ordained many years ago in a one-room school when she had written E.M. loves A.C. in her notebook.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

***<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The newly married Cartwrights each took time from work to consolidate their households and prepare for the trip to Nevada. Adam was grateful that they had been able to marry quickly, allowing him to bring Emily along on the trip. It wasn\u2019t that he dreaded returning to his home, but he wasn\u2019t looking forward to being surrounded\u2014almost buried\u2014under all the memories there, and Emily would surely help to buffer those feelings. He knew it was a selfish intent but it still brought him much peace. They\u2019d talked it through and she seemed to understand that he might act differently when they were on the Ponderosa, and she had promised not to worry that his moodiness indicated dissatisfaction with her, or that he might be having second thoughts about \u201cthem.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

As a couple, Adam and Emily melded well, and while arguing over some details, were able to find consensus over most issues involved with a rapid combining of two households. Emily agreed that they would be best temporarily living in Adam\u2019s small home since it was located centrally to both their jobs. Their intent was to build a home together once they returned from Nevada. Adam had a plan in mind that he\u2019d been mulling over for a few years and already had his eye on a piece of property that sat high on a hill overlooking the bay.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Everything seemed to be going well\u2014so well that Adam sometimes worried. He tried to shut those thoughts from his mind, preferring to concentrate on his life and the time they would share. Yet, there always remained the shadow of what lay ahead\u2026hopefully years from now. It was the one question he\u2019d asked of all the family spirits that had gone on before him. \u201cWhat\u2019s it like\u2026to die\u2014to finally let go of earthly life?\u201d He\u2019d asked more than once without an answer, and in time he\u2019d come to grasp that there was no answer: that those mysteries simply couldn\u2019t be shared.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

During his life, Adam had experienced serious illness and injury when he\u2019d looked across the abyss between life and death\u2014had once even sensed his mother\u2019s presence gently guiding him back toward life\u2014and had felt the torture of leaving her behind. He\u2019d peered across the empty chasm again when his wife and son had died so unnecessarily. Standing at their graves, he had wanted to take the last step past the edge to join them there, and then sought to make that happen. He\u2019d ridden to the wilderness without bothering to eat or care for himself until he looked like an avenging prophet screaming at God to take him. But like other times when death had beckoned, his father had found him, and convinced him that life couldn\u2019t be given up without a fight. The man he\u2019d always respected and loved told him that life was hard: that was the simple truth of it. But he had to keep living and put one foot in front of the other until he found where he was headed again. Adam had listened, had gone on with his life, but vowed to never love again. He\u2019d reasoned that if stayed away from anyone who could break down the barriers around his heart\u2014he might make it.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

But Emily had reached inside his soul, told him that she had always loved him, even when he hadn\u2019t loved himself, and made him think about what life\u00a0with<\/em>\u00a0love was like for the first times in years. He\u2019d taken a step toward her, and just kept putting one foot in front of the other until he found his way to a complete life again.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Transfigurations<\/strong><\/p>\n

Part 2 \u2013 Going Home<\/strong><\/p>\n

Zoom Zoom<\/strong><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

After enduring the discomfort of travel by horseback or kidney jarring wagons and stagecoaches for much of his life, Adam found he actually enjoyed modern train travel. He had a window seat on their journey to Nevada for the wedding of Joe\u2019s youngest son, and when he wasn\u2019t dozing against the glass, he watched the world go by. Spotting a number of automobiles along the roads adjacent to the tracks, prompted him to think about how soon people might travel in their own vehicles instead of using public transportation. Henry Ford had recently produced a simple, inexpensive auto with an assembly line, but that was only part of the equation. Adam\u2019s engineering mind also considered the miles of roads needed to make travel practical and comfortable, and chewed over the need for refueling stations along those same roads. By his reckoning, it would still take some years before the automobile could be the common man\u2019s mode of transportation, and he found himself impatient in the wait.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

In a moment of melancholy, he realized he probably wouldn\u2019t live long enough to see the practical application of man\u2019s ability to get around in a hurry. He\u2019d recently read of experimentations with a flying machine out East by two brothers named Wright, and wondered if air travel might someday be possible. He might not ever fly or own an automobile, but he surely wanted to experience the speed of a personal motorized vehicle. With this thought, a sly grin crossed his lips as he thought about the gift he\u2019d had shipped to his youngest brother\u2019s family, and hoped it had arrived so he could try it out during the visit.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam had always professed that there was no value to grieving over what he couldn\u2019t have, and had always tried to appreciate what he did, but with new technology moving along at an incredible rate since the turn of the century, he was rethinking that philosophy. He now thought that if things were moving this fast, it wouldn\u2019t cause any harm if they went just a little faster so he\u2019d be able to experience some of them.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The trip from San Francisco went quickly when compared to horse travel, and as they transferred to last rail spur into Virginia City, Adam recalled Joe\u2019s warning that their hometown was in bad shape. He\u2019d read about the fires that had ravaged the city, with the largest taking down some 2000 buildings in 1875. But he also knew that what ultimately had taken its toll had been the end of the boom mining years. The population in Virginia City had expanded and contracted many times, and Adam doubted there were many people left who would remember him, yet he was anticipating his arrival there. But Joe\u2019s letters hadn\u2019t prepared him for how worn out the city actually seemed as he got his first good look while the train pulled into town.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Mining had created a few rich men and had given hope to the masses that came to try their luck. But once that hope of being the next to find a million dollar lode dried up, folks didn\u2019t stick around to keep a town going: not a town like Virginia City that seemed to crawl up the side of a mountain and hadn\u2019t developed businesses outside the scope of mining. And unfortunately, much of Virginia City\u2019s mining wealth hadn\u2019t remained there. Many of the original investors were from San Francisco, and they left along with the others who found little of interest after the silver veins went cold.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

As the train pulled to a stop, Adam saw a number of people waiting on the platform, but recognized his nephews even without having seen them in a few years. The two men looked just like Joe did when he was in his early thirties: a mass of dark curls; and wiry bodies that seemed ready for action. They waved, obviously recognizing him as well. Adam took Emily\u2019s arm and led her outside to his waiting family.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

After being introduced to Emily as \u201cLittle Ben,\u201d the young man corrected, \u201cJust Ben, Ma\u2019am, if you please. I haven\u2019t been called Little Ben for some time now, and have to admit that I always disliked it. But since my pa had been stuck with the name\u00a0Little<\/em>\u00a0Joe for so long, he thought it only fair to pass on the torment to his firstborn.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The younger brother, Eric, chimed in. \u201cYeah, I heard Pa wanted to call me Little Hoss, but then thought better of it and named me Eric\u2014just Eric. Grandpa Ben told me that my pa wanted to honor Uncle Hoss with a namesake, but just couldn\u2019t name me that. Part of it was that he remembered all the times the name was mispronounced as horse, and Uncle Hoss had to spell it out for folks. But mostly, having the two puny parents I did, I just figure Pa never thought I\u2019d be the \u2018big friendly fellow\u2019 that the name implied. Whatever the reason, I\u2019m just glad I wasn\u2019t Little Hoss. I think it would have been confusing\u2026kind of like calling me a tiny giant.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

After the laughter died down, Emily asked about the third brother who was not with them. \u201cAnd what do you all call your youngest brother, Joe? Is it Little Joe, after your Pa?<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cNah, ma\u2019am,\u201d Ben replied. \u201cHe\u2019s Joe Jr. to most people, but we sometimes call him JC, or when Ma was really mad, it was Joseph Frances Cartwright Junior!\u201d The two brothers laughed heartily at their mother\u2019s expense. \u201cI\u2019m afraid we drove our mother crazy sometimes. You could hear our entire names being hollered all over the county when we\u2019d been up to no good. Pa, on the other hand, only had to look at us to make his feelings clear. He said he\u2019d learned that look from Uncle Adam, and it was a lot more terrifyin\u2019 than Ma calling our names. Apparently Pa had been the recipient of that look many times in his early life.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Emily heard Adam chuckling in a knowing way as Ben was speaking, and she figured he was recalling the many times he\u2019d used the look the boys were referring to on his youngest brother.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam finally broke into the conversation, \u201cWell, I\u2019m glad your father carried on a time honored family tradition. I learned that look from Pa, but have to admit, I was better at it than even he was. I could stop your father cold at 20 paces and send him running the opposite direction. It worked well until he got so fast he could outrun me.\u201d
\nThe group was still chuckling as they gathered the luggage from the platform, and began their journey to the Ponderosa. Emily got the first inklings of something afoot when after the two nephews asked a few polite questions of her, they quickly closed ranks around Adam as they began discussing \u201cit.\u201d She wasn\u2019t exactly eavesdropping, but then again, there wasn\u2019t much else to do while being a captive audience on the long carriage ride to the homestead. From the rapid give-and-take, Emily ascertained that whatever this was had arrived just as Adam had written them it would. They declared that it ran faster than they could have imagined, and so far had provided some wonderful moments of pure, fear-laden ecstasy for everyone brave enough to ride it. Emily imagined a fine new steed, and although suspecting this was all about a manly sort of thing, she felt a tinge of thrill at finding out what they were talking about. However, at one point as the boys continued telling her husband about whatever it was, a cold chill replaced the excitement she was feeling, and made her shiver despite the warm day.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The Mills family hadn\u2019t had a social relationship with the Cartwrights, and had never been included in their get-togethers when Emily had lived in Virginia City, so her heart began to race when the outlines of buildings she assumed were the Ponderosa homestead began to take shape in the distance. She shook off the chill she\u2019d experienced moments earlier and turned excitedly toward Adam. Seeing his tense posture confirmed her suspicion that while she was getting more excited about nearing the heart of the ranch; her husband was becoming more tense. She\u2019d noted the phenomena on the train ride as well. He\u2019d started out in good humor\u2014wry though it always was\u2014and had easily joked and teased. But as they\u2019d neared their destination, she\u2019d noticed a correlation between the shrinking miles between San Francisco and Nevada, with a tightening in Adam\u2019s deportment. Even now, while he talked and laughed with his nephews, she saw the tautness in his smile and the set of his face. His back remained rigid even as he leaned forward to hear what one of the boys was saying, while his hands clenched and released the hem of his yellow barn-coat.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

In their brief marriage, Emily hadn\u2019t seen much of this side of Adam. He had only displayed these nervous tics when talking about the trip home. Despite her desire to comfort him in his unease, she had listened to him when he told her that there was nothing she could do to make this trip easier for him, except to be with him. He had asked that she not try to fix the situation for him, because she simply couldn\u2019t. She\u2019d accepted that, and figured that this was only the beginning of Adam\u2019s confrontation with the demons and heartaches waiting for him at his home. When Adam glanced her way, she smiled. For that moment, Emily noted that Adam breathed deeply, relaxed and smiled back, before stiffening again as he gazed out over the land that had been his legacy.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

About the time the distant buildings were becoming recognizable forms, a buzzing noise overtook the pastoral landscape. It droned, becoming louder as it closed in on the wagon. The buzzing seemed to emanate from a cloud of dust that effectively hid whatever was creating the haze.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s it!\u201d cried Ben.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The conversation and the carriage came to a stop as the droning went from annoying to offensive, and the dust cloud neared the four travelers. An older man, with white, coiled hair, tanned skin, and well-muscled arms emerged from the flying dust and gravel as the din silenced. \u201cYou old dog, you!\u201d The man was off the machine and clambering onto the carriage while Eric jumped down to grab what the man had just vacated to keep it upright. It was a prairie ballet of sorts, choreographed by a familial intimacy.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Emily hadn\u2019t paid much attention to Little Joe Cartwright unlike most of the girls she\u2019d known at age twelve\u2014but even though she knew he must be nearing 60 now, he still had the looks of his youth.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Joe squeezed between Adam and Emily, draping a dusty arm around each of them as he spoke. \u201cIf you two only knew how much I was looking forward to this visit.\u201d Turning to Adam, he embraced him, slapping his back in welcome. \u201cIt\u2019s been way too long, brother.\u201d He repeated the sentiment as his voice cracked with emotion. \u201cBut it\u2019s good you\u2019re here now.\u201d Turning away from Adam, he found Emily\u2019s gloved hand, kissed it and welcomed her as well. \u201cWe\u2019re all mighty proud to have you here at the Ponderosa, Emily. When my old codger of a brother, wired us to say he had taken a bride and would be bringing her along\u2026well, I almost died of surprise. But it was good surprise, so I would have died happy.\u201d Joe dissolved in a fit of giggling that only stopped when he began coughing from the dust he\u2019d inhaled.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Emily was caught up in Joe\u2019s high spirits and thanked him for his warm welcome while taking a verbal lunge at her new brother-in-law. \u201cIt\u2019s good to finally meet you, Joe. Years ago when I lived here, my friends were all smitten with you, yet I only had eyes for Adam. But after meeting you\u2014even for just a minute\u2014I can maybe understand a\u00a0little<\/em>better what they might have seen in you.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Joe parried Emily\u2019s comment. \u201cWell, ma\u2019am, I can understand what they saw in me too.\u201d More laughter erupted into more coughing. Then he thrust with his own verbal epee; \u201cYup, my oldest brother had some appeal to the young ladies in town, but they always seemed to be the more \u2018bookish\u2019 girls. Were you one of them?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam brought the verbal fencing match to an end as he answered for Emily. \u201cShe was smart Joe, but she\u2019s the one who gave me the shiner that first day I taught school for Barbara Scott. I know Pa never told you what happened, but I remember you were mighty curious about it.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Joe pumped Emily\u2019s hand in welcome again. \u201cWell, Emily, anyone who can pop my brother in the eye is right fine in my book. Welcome to the family.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Emily\u2019s curiosity was growing as she watched Joe\u2019s sons fiddling with the machine he had ridden up on. \u201cWhat is that contraption?\u201d she asked pointing at the noisy, dust creating thing.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWhy, ma\u2019am, that\u2019s Adam\u2019s motorcycle.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cAdam\u2019s<\/em>\u00a0motorcycle?\u201d She asked, her question echoing her confusion.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cSure thing. He bought it from a couple of guys in Milwaukee, wherever that is, and had it sent out here to try it out when he visited. It\u2019s supposed to do 60 miles an hour on a flat stretch. I\u2019m not sure it does that, but I know that it goes faster than anything I\u2019ve ever been on in my life.\u00a0 Sixty miles-an-hour, that\u2019s more than three times as fast as a good horse can go when in full stride. Just imagine…\u201d Joe\u2019s voice trailed off in a reverent tone as he turned toward Adam, whose eyes seemed to hold a similar reverence. Regaining his focus, Joe commanded, \u201cHey, we better get to the house before June comes out here lookin\u2019 for us.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The earlier ballet was repeated as Ben and Eric climbed back onto the carriage while Joe reclaimed the cycle and brought it roaring back to life. He was soon no more than a cloud of dust as the whining machine tore off into the distance.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Emily turned toward Adam as they completed the journey to the house. She was now sure that the motorcycle was what had been excitedly discussed earlier in the trip. \u201cWhat did Joe mean about that \u2018thing\u2019 being yours, Adam?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The look in Emily\u2019s eyes, told Adam everything he needed to know about her feelings toward the cycle. \u201cIt was over a year ago that an old buddy was in Chicago for an engineering conference, and wired me that he\u2019d met a guy named Bill Harley and a couple of brothers named Davidson from Milwaukee, who were constructing gasoline powered cycles for public sale, and wondered if I\u2019d be interested in buying one. I sent my order the same day, and had them ship it out here. I thought it would be fun to drive it around the Ponderosa\u2026see what it feels like to fly.\u201d What Adam didn\u2019t say, was that at the time he\u2019d ordered it, he thought it would be a great icebreaker with his family, and might ease his transition back onto the ranch.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The conversation was cut short as they pulled up to the house. Emily shook off the ominous feeling that had clutched at her heart when she had first heard the buzzing noise approaching the wagon. \u201cWe\u2019ll talk more about this later.\u201d She didn\u2019t mean to sound petulant, but she did.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

His reply was equally terse. \u201cThere\u2019s nothing more to discuss, Em. It\u2019s just a machine, I ordered it months before I met you, and I\u2019m going to have some fun with my brother and nephews. You can even try it if you like.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Emily\u2019s cross \u201charrumph\u201d was replaced by a sincere smile as she saw Joe\u2019s family heading from the house in welcome.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Joe had made it back to the ranch in seconds on the cycle, and was now standing as king of his castle, surrounded by the excited faces of his family. He helped Emily to the ground and waited for Adam to make it down before beginning the introductions. \u201cEmily, I\u2019d like you to meet my wife, June.\u201d The two women were still exchanging a hug when Joe went on. \u201cYou\u2019ve already met Ben, and this is his wife, Mary. I\u2019m pretty sure they have four youngsters in that group behind me, but June will take care of telling you about all of the grandchildren. I can\u00a0remember<\/em>\u00a0all of them, just not their names or who they belong to.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Joe\u2019s admission brought nods of agreement from his family and laughter from his guests as he moved to his middle son. \u201cThis is Eric, whom you\u2019ve also met. He\u2019s married to Victoria.\u201d The proud father-in-law pointed out a petite young woman standing over by the group of children. \u201cWe call her Tory for short, and since she\u2019s a teacher, she went and set up our own little school here, turning that room we used for bathing in the old days into a classroom. Some of the neighbors and our hands send their kids over here too. Things aren\u2019t so good in Virginia City, school wise, so Tory did everything she needed to get our home school recognized by the state. Eric and Tory have three, no\u2026I think it\u2019s four as well, in that group of young ones she\u2019s standing with.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Grabbing his youngest son\u2019s shoulders, Joe continued, \u201cThis is Joe Jr., the poor young fool who\u2019s getting hitched in two days. His bride-to-be is by her folks until the wedding; Sherry\u2019s her name, but I call her Cherie\u2019 just to make Jr. mad.\u00a0 And yes, I know my sons all look just like me. And I know you\u2019re also thinking that I\u2019m not original in naming my kids, but that\u2019s June\u2019s fault. If we\u2019d had daughters, I would have named them May, July and August. Since there\u2019d have been June in the middle of that, I figured I would\u2019ve have been surrounded by summer the whole year round. But the poor woman only produced boys, and I figured it best to just stick with names I already knew how to spell.\u201d He turned toward Emily. \u201cAlways wished we\u2019d have had one more boy to name after Adam, but believe me, it wasn\u2019t from lack of trying.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Joe waved at his wife after she chastised him for his comment, then winked over his shoulder at his brother before turning toward the group of youngsters standing together outside their Ponderosa schoolroom. Motioning for Adam and Emily to join him as he addressed the group, he began by complimenting them. \u201cDon\u2019t you all seem to be waiting politely for me to finish the introduction of your parents? You do us proud, and I thank you for that. But I\u2019m thinking your motivation in being so good is more about finding out if your uncle and aunt have brought you gifts from the big city than from being true ladies and gentlemen.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Squeals of delight preceded the thundering of the eight children bearing down on Adam after he moved to the back of the wagon and withdrew a large bag. Even though Joe admitted to not having a good handle on all of his grandchildren\u2019s names and parental ties, his older brother knew their names and ages from pictures June always sent at Christmas. Preparing for the trip, he\u2019d gotten the latest in windup metal toys for the young boys, new jackknives with their initials etched on the cases for the older boys, and dolls for the young girls, but had\u00a0 been stymied over what to get Ben\u2019s two older daughters. He was relieved when Emily volunteered to help and quickly decided on things that every young woman had in San Francisco: small drawstring purses trimmed in the same lace as the dainty shawls they came with. From the happy looks accompanying the quiet admiration of their gifts after the wrapping paper lay strewn about, it seemed clear that both Cartwrights had chosen well.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

June, the tiny woman who had tamed wild Joe Cartwright, came over to rescue Emily from the push of children and led her to the house, asking as they walked, \u201cDid you grow up in a big family, Emily?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cNo, I was an only child.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

June laughed, \u201cThen I imagine what just happened out there was a little overwhelming. We\u2019re a big, loud, crazy family. Hope you\u2019re prepared for that.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Taking her hand, Emily offered sincerely, \u201cAfter Adam told me a little about what to expect, I couldn\u2019t wait to get here. Just because I didn\u2019t have a big family, doesn\u2019t mean I wouldn\u2019t have liked one, and so far, yours seems just perfect.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cSo far is right! Give us a few days, and you might change your mind.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam had told Emily a little about Alice\u2019s death, and the fact that Joe had gone on a mission of self-destruction, living his life on the edge of his pain. Adam knew Joe had pushed the limits of everything, not caring whether he lived or died, and had driven Ben to distraction with his thoughtless escapades. But then, June had found Joe, held on, and never let him look back. Adam had called Joe\u2019s change a metamorphosis, since he had gone through death to emerge a changed man.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

***<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Emily received a grand tour of the solid house that Adam and Ben had built. While upstairs, June showed her the bathroom they\u2019d made out of the guest room, using the plan that Adam had drawn up for them, and then explained a little more about how the family had used the house. \u201cJoe and I have always used the bedroom that was his growing up. Of course I tossed out a lot of his old things and added some feminine touches. Our boys used the other two rooms that were Hoss and Adam\u2019s, and Ben used his room until he passed. We\u2019ve not done anything to change it since then, and I\u2019ll find Joe in there sometimes when he has a lot on his mind, sitting in his pa\u2019s chair, looking at the pictures of his mother. He says he finds peace and focus when he\u2019s in there.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

June opened the door to the bedroom that Emily and Adam would be using during their visit. \u201cThis was Adam\u2019s room when he was young, although I doubt there\u2019s anything in here that was his. We moved a few books and other things out to the barn before our boys took over the room, but I don\u2019t recall there was much.\u201d After checking to make sure no one else had come upstairs, June dropped her voice, \u201cDon\u2019t be surprised if Adam is a little skittish about being in his old bedroom with a woman, even though he\u2019s married to you.\u201d To Emily\u2019s questioning look, she continued as she giggled, \u201cThe first month after we were married, Joe would jump out of bed every time he heard Ben walk past our door. It got so bad that the poor man wouldn\u2019t even come to bed until he knew his father was already sleeping. To Ben\u2019s credit, I think he understood some of Joe\u2019s discomfort and started heading for his bedroom pretty early in the evening. We finally got Little Ben started when Joe\u2019s pa took an extended trip to Sacramento, leaving us alone to watch the ranch.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Both women were laughing at June\u2019s confession as they headed back downstairs. June walked to the small room off the dining area that Joe had taken over as his office. \u201cBen always worked at that desk in the alcove off the entry. He could concentrate through anything, and often did his books with one of our boys sitting on his lap or playing under the desk. But Joe needs more privacy, so he moved into this room instead. It\u2019s close to the family, but he can shut us out when he needs to.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

June ended the tour by taking Emily over to large desk that Ben had used.\u00a0 Thinking of her father-in-law had brought tears that she quickly wiped from her cheeks with the back of her hand. \u201cI think Joe said you never really knew Ben. He was an incredible man, Emily, and I still miss him so much.\u201d With her tears under control, June explained that the final change they wanted to make to the house was to move Ben\u2019s desk out, and make an area inside for the children to play when the weather was bad. \u201cWe would like Adam to have the desk. Joe feels that his brother would appreciate it more than anyone. Do you think he might want it?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Emily had no idea what ties Adam had to any parts of his family\u2019s home. \u201cI\u2019m sure he\u2019ll be honored by the offer. It is a beautiful piece of furniture, isn\u2019t it?\u201d She rubbed her hand across the worn surface of the desk as she considered the size and scope of the house she had just toured. \u201cAdam told me about this house when we were traveling here. From what I see, you and Joe have done a remarkable job preserving it. It\u2019s fabulous. I can only wonder what people thought as they rode up to it all those years ago when it was first built. They must have been dumbstruck! Adam told me they\u2019d push the furniture back, and open up this entire space for dances and parties. Carriages would fill the yard and Chinese lanterns danced on strings to light the outside. Just imagine what that would have been like\u2026the four handsome men of the house, bowing to their female guests as they asked them to dance\u2026then whirling around the floor until the women\u2019s faces would flush with excitement\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Both women were lost in their imaginations as the men entered, startling them out of their reverie.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cSo whaddaya think of the place, Emily?\u201d Joe inquired.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s amazing, Joe. I love the changes in the kitchen. June\u2019s a lucky woman to have a new work area like that, and yet, it looks like it was always there. You did a wonderful job!\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam broke in, \u201cEverything looks good Joe. You and the boys have done a great job keeping it updated and in good repair.\u201d Moving to his wife\u2019s side, he continued, \u201cyou should see the homes that Eric and Ben built on either side of this one, Emily.\u201d He chuckled with his next thought. \u201cOf course the plans were drawn up by a world famous engineer, but they did a wonderful job with the construction.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

A loving smile washed over Emily\u2019s face as she commented, \u201cWorld famous engineer, hmm. What\u2019s his name? Maybe I can hire him to do the plans for our house.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

***<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

As Emily and Adam prepared for bed after their first night on the Ponderosa, he remarked how thankful he was that life had truly blossomed for Joe and the ranch. \u201cWhen I left here for good, after\u2026what happened, I wouldn\u2019t have bet that the ranch would still be functioning in 20 years. I\u2019m glad I was wrong. I see now how great sorrow can actually turn into greater joy.\u201d He pulled Emily close as he finished. \u201cI know that happened for Joe, and I\u2019m beginning to see that it\u2019s possible for me too.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Overdue Apologies<\/strong><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Work on a ranch didn\u2019t stand still just because a wedding was imminent, and the Ponderosa was no exception. Joe and Adam sipped from mugs of coffee laced with brandy while leaning on the corral fence in the cool morning air watching the younger Cartwrights brand spring foals. Not much had changed from the days when the two older men had done the same kinds of jobs. Cattle were now shipped to market by rail, which made life more pleasant for the younger generation who spent fewer back-busting miles driving beef to market. But raising livestock still relied on long watchful nights in the saddle, and longer days making sure their investment was cared for and protected.<\/p>\n

The morning quiet was broken by shrill whistles from the riders, and snorts of displeasure from their mounts as they breathed in the sharp, chilly air while moving the colts toward the pen. The frightened foals added to the serenade with a chorus of panicked cries for their mothers. A flood of old memories drifted toward Adam on the tendrils of the hot wood fire, along with the tang of burning hide as the branding iron made its mark. His hands pulled at phantom reins as he remembered guiding Sport to herd the uncooperative animals, decades ago.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The morning was still painting a scene from the past in Adam\u2019s mind, when Joe broke into his thoughts.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cPa did some job building this place, didn\u2019t he?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cHe surely did.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

A brief silence hovered just as morning fog hung over the low ground. \u201cBut I can\u2019t run the ranch like Pa did,\u201d Joe stated hesitantly. \u201cMaybe it was that Pa sweat his own blood to make this legacy\u2026and found it hard to give up any control over it\u2026or us.\u201d Another pause brought no comment from his brother, so Joe continued, \u201cMind you, I\u2019m not criticizing Pa, but I\u2019ve given my boys more freedom to make their own decisions. They\u2019ve always been a big help on the ranch, but June and I let them know early on that they had to make their own lives, even if that didn\u2019t include the Ponderosa.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam looked directly at his brother. \u201cI know you\u2019re not being unkind toward Pa. You learned well from him, and have adapted things to work to your own family\u2019s needs. I imagine you\u2019re just as vigilant as Pa ever was\u2014just in your own way.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019re right about that. I\u2019m not as different from Pa as I try to sound, but I am glad I pushed the boys out of the nest early. It\u2019s been good for them.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cThey\u2019re good kids, and you should be proud of them. It\u2019s interesting that even though you gave them the go ahead to pursue whatever they wanted, they\u2019ve all stayed on.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cAin\u2019t that something! I still have to pinch myself when I think about it. And each boy has something here that drives them.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam nodded. \u201cSeems like Ben really knows the timber business. All I\u2019ve heard him talk about is board feet and construction. Who would have thought that Ponderosa lumber would be rebuilding large parts of San Francisco? But Ben got his bids in early and is making you a rich man in your old age.\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe\u2019s chest puffed just a breath as he enjoyed the truth of Adam\u2019s words. \u201cThat\u2019s Ben all right. And Eric, the college boy\u2014like you\u2014came home from school with what he called strategies to keep our name in front of every beef consumer on the West Coast and it seems to be working pretty well. By the way, thanks for taking him under your wing when he was by you some years back and just starting out. I know you introduced him to most of the people who now sell only our meat. You taught him a lot, and he really admires you.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cHe\u2019s a bright young man, and I only opened the doors, Joe. He stuck his foot in to get the contracts, and it\u2019s everyone\u2019s efforts here on the ranch that keeps those people as satisfied customers. You raise good beef; there\u2019s no doubt about that.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Joe Jr. went riding by, prompting Adam to ask about the youngest son\u2019s aptitudes. \u201cWhat\u2019s Joe Jr. doing with the ranch? Seems I remember he always liked the animals best: like Hoss.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cYou said a mouthful there. Sometimes Joe Jr. is so much like Hoss, I think our middle brother is whisperin\u2019 in his ear. It gives me shivers. I\u2019ve got him learning the business end of the ranch, and handling the hands and drovers. He hires and fires them, keeps track of their wages and makes sure they do their jobs. He\u2019s good at it too. One thing about Joe Jr. that really reminds me of all us brothers is his willingness to take in strays: both animals and people. He seems to have better luck rehabilitatin\u2019 them than we did with the hard cases we picked up over the years. Remember that one drifter: the one you tried to help after he pulled you from the river? Didn\u2019t he almost end up killing you\u2014a couple of times?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam grinned wryly. \u201cYes he did. But he was nothing compared to that giant guy Hoss brought home that time. Didn\u2019t they call him the \u2018Ape\u2019? Seems to me he nearly did our brother in too, and that wasn\u2019t an easy thing to do. And I won\u2019t even go into some of the people you tried to help.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cThank you for that. You know, my kids were dickens at times, but never even came close to causin\u2019 the problems for me, that I did for you and Pa.\u201d He laughed, \u201cMust have been June\u2019s influence on them. She\u2019s a good woman.\u201d Joe\u2019s voice softened. \u201cShe was good with Pa too.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cJune is a wonderful woman, and Pa always spoke highly of her in his letters. You two have made a very good life.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The two stared at the horizon as neither seemed to have more to say. It was Adam who finally broke their silence.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m sorry, Joe.\u201d The apology seemed to breathe as it left Adam\u2019s mouth, almost as though the words had escaped from a sealed cask, stored somewhere in his soul for far too long.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cSorry? For what?\u201d Joe turned, but found Adam staring toward an unknown object in the distance.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cFor many things, but mostly for not being here when you and Pa needed me. I\u2019m sorry you never got the chance to\u2026what I mean is\u2026that you had to stay here after\u2026what happened to Hoss.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cIs that what you think? That I was \u2018forced\u2019 to stay on the ranch because you didn\u2019t come home to rescue me after Hoss died?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s more that because I didn\u2019t come home, you didn\u2019t have the chance to leave: not that you were forced to stay.\u201d Adam had rehearsed this in his mind a hundred times over the years, yet found he still had difficulty putting his worries about his youngest brother into words. \u201cYour loyalty to Pa\u2026well, you wouldn\u2019t have left him here, and I\u2019d already had my chance in the world by then\u2026 I knew that Hoss would never leave here, but always suspected you would want to try your hand at other things for a while\u2026and you didn\u2019t get the chance you might have if I\u2019d have come home\u2026<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Joe took Adam\u2019s shoulders and turned him to see his face. \u201cStop it, Adam.\u201d The words were stern, but not unkind. \u201cThere\u2019s no need for this, although there was a time back when it all happened that I wanted an apology and a whole lot more from you. Gotta say, I expected that you\u2019d show up and was pretty darn upset when you didn\u2019t. But Pa always said that you had your life to lead and the last thing he wanted was for you to come back only because you felt obligated to. At the same time, he told me that he didn\u2019t want me to stay if I felt I had to just because I was the last son here. He meant it too. I considered his words: even thought I\u2019d head out, but then a strange thing happened. Once Pa told me I could leave, I wanted nothing else but to stay.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam watched his brother\u2019s face for telltale signs of insincerity, but found none.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cIt took some time for me to understand this, brother, but if you had come home, I would never have been able to do what I\u2019ve done. On my own, I felt the freedom to do things as I saw best. It\u2019s what I always fought for as a kid, and it felt good to see my ideas make this ranch even better than you and Pa did. So I guess you could say I\u2019m glad you didn\u2019t come back.\u201d Joe laughed, pulling Adam closer while raising his index finger close to his brother\u2019s nose in emphasis. \u201cBut you sure could\u2019ve visited more often.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam snorted in laughter at Joe\u2019s final comment, but otherwise remained silent as he felt the weight from years of guilt lift from his shoulders.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Joe continued, \u201cPa was content at the end of his life. I figure you probably feel bad for not making it back before he died, but he understood that too. We both knew how hard it would be to come back after what happened to your family. Pa and me had faced some mighty hard times too, but had always found our peace in this land. It was different for you, and Pa often said that he was relieved that you had found the will to go on and do so well. He was proud that you took care of Abel at the last, and it was enough for Pa that you took a part of him with you as you did all those other amazin\u2019 things. He had you out there in the world and me here, and was happy. When he passed, it seemed less that he died, and more that he just stopped living one day: like a clock that had wound down too far to be restarted. He was just ready to go.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam shook his head as he smiled at his brother. \u201cWhen did you get so smart?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cSeems to me I was always smart. It\u2019s just that when you were around, nobody paid much attention to me. Gotta admit though, I\u2019ve surprised even myself with the way this has all turned out.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cPa must have been so proud of you.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cHe was, Adam. The last year by his side, learning every trick he knew to make things work; those were the best times of my life.\u201d Joe\u2019s voice broke and he busied himself sipping at his coffee.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam nodded in understanding.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

After a few moments of reflection, Joe moved the conversation away from the past. \u201cI really like Emily. You two seem well suited.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cSeems so, doesn\u2019t it?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cSo she really gave you that black eye?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam chuckled. \u201cYes she did. And what\u2019s worse is that she did it again when I met her a month ago. I bent over her to help her stand up, and wham; she raised her head and smacked me again. I guess I learn hard. Maybe that\u2019s true in a lot of things.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Their laughter ebbed as the oldest and youngest Cartwright brothers stood watching the boys: remembering. Adam finally spoke. \u201cI think I\u2019ll go see what Emily is up to.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cAnd I should probably go help the boys finish up so we don\u2019t keep June waiting with lunch later.\u201d As Adam turned to walk away, Joe flashed a smile. \u201cBe on time for lunch. We\u2019re back on June\u2019s \u2018schedule\u2019 today. If you think Hop Sing was a tyrant in the kitchen, he was a saint compared to June when you make her wait.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Marriages: Past and Present<\/strong><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

They had been at the ranch a few days and now the wedding was just hours away. June and Emily had become easy acquaintances, and they chatted while finishing garlands of pine boughs and wildflowers to adorn the stair rails and mantel.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cSo how do you like ranch life, Emily?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cOh, I think I\u2019ll always be a city girl. But if I had to move to the country, this would be the place I\u2019d want to be.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cIt does get under your skin, doesn\u2019t it?\u201d June stopped to give directions to Mary and Tory, sending the two daughters-in-law scurrying to help organize efforts in the kitchen. Turning back to her decorating efforts, she commented, \u201cI\u2019ve noticed that Adam seems to be having a good time with the boys.\u201d She paused, reflecting, \u201cYou want to know something strange? I don\u2019t think I ever heard him laugh before this visit.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI do think he\u2019s enjoying himself, thanks to your family, and while Adam is a serious man, I\u2019m surprised by what you just said.\u201d Emily\u2019s face brightened with a mild blush. \u201cHe does have a wonderful laugh though, don\u2019t you think? It gives his face an inner glow. And that chuckle of his\u2026well it gives me notions.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m the same way about Joe. There\u2019ve been times that I\u2019m so mad at him I could spit, and then he starts laughing, and I can\u2019t help but soften.\u201d After another pause, June ventured further into the subject she had on her mind. \u201cI\u2019m so glad to finally hear Adam laughing and carrying on. It\u2019s taken a lot of years for him to get there, but he seems to have made it. Yet, there are still times when I see him tense, like a jaw trap ready to spring.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The truth was that Emily had noticed the behavior June spoke of. She had seen Adam turn expectantly as he had heard someone on the stairs, or whip his head around whenever the door had opened. Just that morning, she had awakened to see Adam staring out his bedroom window with the orange light from the rising sun highlighting his face. She\u2019d seen his initial smile turn to melancholy as she\u2019d watched, and wondered if he was seeing shadows of people long gone, but longer remembered. She finally answered June\u2019s question, \u201cMaybe it\u2019s just because it\u2019s been a long time since he\u2019s been here. From what he told me, he hasn\u2019t been back since he was here with Melinda\u2026\u201d Emily realized her comfort with June had allowed her to stray into a conversation she probably had no right to have. \u201cI\u2019m sorry, June. I\u2019m not trying to pry about that.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cDid he tell you about it?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cOnly that it happened. Did you know Adam before that? Somehow I thought you were from around here and knew the brothers when they were young.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI grew up in Placerville, so I never had any contact with the Cartwrights before Joe rode into my town and stole my heart away.\u201d She laughed but then turned serious again. \u201cThe first time I met Adam was after I married Joe, when he came here with his family. I remember being so scared to meet him after hearing about all his travels and how smart he was. But he was so nice I couldn\u2019t help but feel real easy with him. Same with Melinda; we got on well. She was a tender woman, and little Abel was much like his father\u2014so serious and intelligent, but playful and tricky in own his sweet way. Unfortunately we didn\u2019t have much time together before the tragedy.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Emily felt uncomfortable posing the next question, but not enough so that she didn\u2019t ask anyway. \u201cWhat was Adam like after the deaths?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

June sighed, \u201cI can\u2019t even describe it. But it wasn\u2019t just Adam; it was all three of them: Ben, Joe and Adam. It was like their hearts had been yanked out and stomped on. What hurt one of them hurt all of them. I stayed on for the funerals, but was expecting Eric at the time and had Little Ben under my wing already, so I had Joe take me home to my folks after that. I had to get out from under the grief that darkened this place until it felt I was suffocating. When I got back, Adam was already gone and the other two looked liked they\u2019d been dragged behind a horse through a field of creosote brush.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

What June didn\u2019t tell Emily was that when she had looked into Adam\u2019s eyes following the funeral of his family, she had seen\u2026nothing. It was as though his soul had left him, and she had truly thought at the time, that he would die from his grief. She knew Joe kept going after Alice\u2019s death by his need to find out what really happened, and who was responsible. But Adam had known exactly what had happened to Melinda and Abel, and declared himself guilty in their deaths.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Eric had come along soon after her return, washing the Ponderosa with new life. June knew that the ranch and his family had given Joe something to strive for after the tragedies he\u2019d faced, and had no doubt that his grandchildren had given Ben an optimism and peace that had seen him through his later years. But she had always wondered what had kept her brother-in-law going after he\u2019d returned home alone.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cJune\u2026June?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

June was roused from her thoughts. \u201cI\u2019m sorry, Emily. Did you say something? I was just thinking back to those days.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI said that I think I understand why it\u2019s taken Adam so long to come home again. I know I have problems going to places where my memories are clouded with pain, and unfortunately, this is that place for him. I\u2019m just so happy that he decided to come back now, so that we can share in this happy time.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

A smile crossed June\u2019s face as Emily spoke of Adam\u2019s \u201cdecision\u201d to come, since she felt she had a good deal to do with him making that choice. When their youngest son decided to marry, June had a sense that it was time to bring Adam home, and had written him with her personal request to return for the wedding. She\u2019d cited Joe\u2019s private wish that Adam would come home someday so they would have the chance to enjoy some time together again. She had written that she knew it wouldn\u2019t be easy to face the darkness that had sent him away, but that perhaps he would find peace and joy to replace the sorrow after all these years. When she had heard him laugh two days ago, she knew she\u2019d been right.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

June suddenly embraced Emily. \u201cI\u2019m tickled pink that Adam came home, and even happier that he brought you. I don\u2019t know how much you know about the Cartwright family, but they\u2019ve had enough grief and loss, and it\u2019s high time to put all that behind the name, and just enjoy what we have now!\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

***<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Thinking over the day while she waited for Adam to come to bed, Emily was amazed at the how beautiful the wedding had been. She felt June had a real talent for organizing, and motivating people to help. Each portion of the celebration had gone off without a hitch, and June had seemed to be everywhere at once: tending to every arrangement without a hair out of place. Emily secretly wished her new sister-in-law lived closer so she could take advantage of her talents.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam slipped under the covers with a sigh of exhaustion. He and Emily had helped to clean up after the last guests had finally been encouraged to depart, and he was bone tired. He pulled Emily close and whispered, \u201cJoe Jr. and Sherry made a lovely couple, didn\u2019t they?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cThe groom was handsome and the bride was beautiful, but what\u2019s even better is that they seem so much in love. Joe and June sure put on a wonderful wedding.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cAre you sorry now that we didn\u2019t wait to plan a big wedding, my dear?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Emily tucked herself under Adam\u2019s arm. \u201cI would rather be married to you during a ten-minute ceremony in a judge\u2019s chamber, than to anyone else in a cathedral.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cGood answer, my love,\u201d he replied in a yawn.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

She drew her finger through the thick black curls on her husband\u2019s chest, hoping he\u2019d recall their wedding night activities. \u201cSweetheart, didn\u2019t all that love in the air at the wedding leave you with any ideas of how could we end this day?\u201d Emily chuckled as she heard Adam\u2019s response: a low strangled snore that cut through the darkness. Laying her head on his shoulder, she whispered, \u201cGoodnight, my prince.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cDoing nothing is happiness for children and misery for old men.\u201d (Victor Hugo)<\/strong><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

With the wedding over, Adam and Emily now had another week without set plans before returning to California.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Emily awoke as Adam kissed her cheek to say he was leaving for the day, and would see her toward evening. She wasn\u2019t aware that the men of the family had made plans for the day, but the \u201cgirls\u201d of the Ponderosa were going into Virginia City for lunch at the International House. In an effort to be more continental, the hotel had begun serving a tea in the afternoon, complete with cucumber sandwiches and fruit tarts. June thought it would be fun for the ladies to partake of the event while they had the chance, and Emily was excited for the opportunity to be included in this rite of sisterhood with her new family.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Noting that Adam had on a pair of Levi\u2019s\u2014something she had never seen him wear\u2014and a black chambray shirt, she felt the cold chill she\u2019d experienced days before on the way to the ranch, return with force. \u201cMay I ask where you\u2019re off to?\u201d She tried to ask this in a cheerful tone, but the edge in her voice belied her chipperness.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWhile you women-folk are off to town, the men of the ranch are heading out to the south pasture for a little fishing, hunting\u2026and things.\u201d Adam flashed his winning smile, meant to forestall further questions. It didn\u2019t work.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWhat \u2018things\u2019 are you talking about, Adam?\u201d There was no more humor.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWe\u2019re trying the cycle on the flats out there. Seems like the boys have even built a few dirt mounds to drive over.\u201d He kept his voice calm even though his eyes narrowed, almost daring Emily to say more. He should have known better.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cAnd will\u00a0you<\/em>\u00a0be trying this cycle out today as well?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam tried to sound soothing. \u201cOf course I will, Em. It\u2019s why I had it sent here. I\u2019ll be careful, but I\u2018m anticipating this very much.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Emily was up and out of bed, pacing the room. \u201cAdam, you can\u2019t just toss your life on the seat of that\u2026thing, fly forward with obscene velocity, and expect me to think it\u2019s alright! What if something goes wrong? What if you fall, or crash?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

He\u2019d made his way to her and held her shoulders. \u201cThen I suppose I\u2019ll get back up and try it again. It won\u2019t be the first time I\u2019ve fallen off something, and it probably won\u2019t be the last either.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cAnd what if I ask you not to do this? What if I say I don\u2019t want you riding that thing today or ever? What if\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam laid his fingers gently across Emily\u2019s lips. \u201cYou cannot ask me to stop living, Emily. One of the best things about this trip is that everyone here just expects me to participate. No one worries that I\u2019m too old, or asks if I think I should risk injury by joining them.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

She moved his hand as she voiced her next thought with dead calm. \u201cBut I think I can ask you not to risk your life.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

His eyes narrowed further as his face and voice tightened. \u201cActually, no, you can\u2019t. I love you, but won\u2019t allow you to make me live only as you permit me to.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Emily pulled away from his hold, staring him down. \u201cThen perhaps instead of going with June and the girls today, I might go to Lake Tahoe and take a boat out for a ride. That way we would both take risks with our lives today.\u201d She knew she had gone too far and actually heard herself gasp as the final words left her mouth. She tried to say more; retract her outburst\u2014but Adam was gone.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

He was already outside by the time Emily dressed and made it downstairs. She felt the eyes of the family watching her with interest. The argument with her husband had not been loud, but she figured Adam\u2019s demeanor probably had spoken volumes as to his state of mind, just as her red-rimmed eyes gave witness to her unhappiness. She ate little, and then helped with the dishes as Joe and June finished packing a lunch for the men\u2019s outing. Knowing she had to make this right before he left for the day, she hurriedly dried her hands to get outside and find her husband.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

***<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam leaned on the corral fence watching as Ben and Eric lifted the cycle onto the back of the wagon and secured it. He heard someone exit the house and knew that it was Emily approaching just by the sound of her footfall: uneven, favoring her left side. It had always been a skill of his to be able to \u201chear\u201d some things better than most people saw them. He smiled sadly, realizing that while he could tell that Emily was coming, he had no idea what she would have to say. He wondered if she was coming to declare a ceasefire, or to continue the war of words they\u2019d begun earlier.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

In the moments it took for Emily to cross the yard, Adam\u2019s mind moved to recall the other footsteps he had known intimately through the years. Each of his family members had distinctive walks that were affected by their moods or purpose. Hoss had been light on his feet for a big man, but his step had deepened and solidified when he had become angry: sounding like a bull in full steam if he\u2019d been truly upset. Ben\u2019s stride was so purposeful that he always commanded respect just from the way he carried himself. Very few men had ever doubted or confronted Ben Cartwright after they got to know him. Those that had tried usually limped away from the encounter licking their wounds.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

A quick memory turned Adam\u2019s lips to a wide smile as he thought back to the time his youngest brother\u2019s walk had changed following the arrival of new boots the 18 year-old had ordered from the Napoleon Shoe Company. As Joe had stood next to Adam wearing the boots, the older brother had instantly known that the change in Joe\u2019s step had been due to at least two inches of lift that must have been built into the heals. Adam had often wondered if his father and Hoss had noticed, but had also figured that the change in Joe\u2019s height was so obvious, they couldn\u2019t have missed it. He\u2019d come to respect that it was just one of those things families didn\u2019t comment on to protect the dignity of someone they all loved.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam heard Emily\u2019s step hesitate and slow as she neared, giving evidence that she had not come to continue the hostilities. She touched his elbow, signaling her arrival.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m sorry, Adam. I was cruel. Now you know that I fight dirty sometimes.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam continued looking forward. Emily\u2019s words in their room had stunned him, and he wanted to hear her reasoning before he let his reserve grow to anger.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Her voice was soft as she struggled to explain. \u201cLife is often\u2026unfair for a woman, and I\u2019ve learned that meekness in those situations accomplishes nothing.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Turning so he could see her face, he asked pointedly, \u201cHave\u00a0I<\/em>treated you unfairly?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cNot exactly.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam\u2019s tone leaned dangerously toward anger. \u201cThen what, exactly?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cPlease don\u2019t be angry, Adam. You weren\u2019t being unfair, but you weren\u2019t listening to me, either.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

His voice calmed while still holding an edge. \u201cBut I did listen, Emily. You just didn\u2019t like what I had to say about it. That\u2019s different.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

She tried again. \u201cThat\u2019s true. But what\u2019s also true is that you didn\u2019t actually acknowledge my concerns. In my law practice, I\u2019ve found that when someone isn\u2019t really listening to what I\u2019m saying, it\u2019s best to take control of the situation. Most times it takes a pretty brutal statement to make someone stop and pay attention. I admit that I\u2019ve become an expert at that technique, but there was no reason for me to use what I did. That was hitting low and hard. I\u2019m ashamed.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cEmily, why would you feel you had to\u00a0control<\/em>\u00a0this\u2026or me? It\u2019s a day with my family. I\u2019m not doing this out of spite, or to hurt you. You must realize that.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI do.\u201d She recalled the fear that had seized her heart whenever the cycle was discussed, and the absolute dread that had washed her when Adam had told her of his plans for the day. \u201cIt\u2019s just that I\u2019ve had an ominous feeling about that cycle ever since I first heard it. It isn\u2019t necessarily rational, but it is real. For a moment upstairs, I felt you would leave today and never return and was overwhelmed with the need to stop you any way I could.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam drew his wife to him as he began to understand that she struggled with trust just as he did, and had come to her own conclusions about how to deal with it. Yet, he didn\u2019t want to have a war declared each time she was uncomfortable with his decisions. \u201cEmily, at the time I met you, I was long dedicated to the decision to trust only in myself. But you challenged my fears, making me believe that my life would better for trusting you.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Emily remained quiet. She wasn\u2019t sure what Adam\u2019s next words would be, but hoped he would be able to forgive her. She had \u201creasons\u201d for saying what she did, but they weren\u2019t good enough to explain her intolerable outburst.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ve had moments of terror since being here too. At first my heart raced each time I didn\u2019t know where you were. I still remember what it\u2019s like to be powerless over a situation. But I needed to step past that, and believe that I\u2019m getting there.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Emily moved closer to Adam and wrapped her arms around him. She felt ill with the thought of how she had betrayed him and the words she had used. In their short time together, she had examined Adam\u2019s heart for signs of his trust, but realized that she had never examined her own, assuming it was so filled with love that none of her old pain and doubt could gain entry. Yet her fear still gnawed. \u201cI understand what you\u2019re saying, but you \u2018trusted\u2019 Melinda, and I \u2018trusted\u2019 Marshall, and yet… How do I get over the fear that no matter how much faith I have in another person, it might not be enough to keep bad things from happening?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam closed his eyes and sighed. It was a question he had also struggled with and considered how best to explain his conclusions. \u201cI guess that I now realize there are two kinds of trust. One is in the goodness of man. I know that you love me, and want what\u2019s best for both of us, and I need you to believe that I love you just as much, and will never hurt you in the ways you\u2019ve been hurt before. As concerns the past, I\u2019ve come to understand that Melinda just wanted to do something special for our son that day. But unforeseen things do happen\u2014things we can\u2019t predict or control\u2014and when they do, we have to acknowledge a greater trust: an encompassing faith in a Creator, a Sustainer who has a bigger plan and sees how all this comes together even when we can\u2019t.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

He paused as flashes of insight prodded at his thoughts. He couldn\u2019t share the conversation he\u2019d had with Joe just yet, but wanted to put what he\u2019d learned from it into words. All those years he\u2019d been plagued by guilt that in not returning to his home, he had kept his brother from becoming the man he might have been. Now he realized that his absence had allowed Joe to grow into the man he was meant to be. Life sure took some interesting turns. \u201cI continue to learn that no matter what has gone wrong in the past, the universe will unfold as it should. That\u2019s all we can trust when times are hardest.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Emily wrapped herself even closer around him, feeling his words as much as hearing them; the rhythm of his heart beat in such cadence with hers that it was hard to distinguish between them.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam continued, \u201cThere\u2019s another thing we need to come to an understanding on. I did listen to your concerns, and took them into consideration. But I can\u2019t stop enjoying my life to protect myself from danger or pain. The greatest lesson I\u2019ve learned is that we have to face each day with eagerness for new experiences, no matter how they turn out.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

It was Emily\u2019s cue to speak. \u201cYou have every right to do whatever you want to, and have given me much to think about while you\u2019re gone. You are a remarkable man, Adam Cartwright, and I\u2019m a lucky woman to have you.\u201d She gave him a quick kiss on the cheek, and then motioned him toward his family waiting in the wagon. \u201cHurry up now and get going.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam looked back as they left the yard. Emily waved, and stood watch until he was out of sight, only then wrapping her arms around herself to stifle the icy cold that again clutched at her heart.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

A Death Knell Peals: A Life Is Lost<\/strong><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Emily enjoyed both shopping and tea with her new family and was so caught up in the fun that she managed to forget what her husband was doing. Sara, June\u2019s 13-year-old granddaughter had been a very attentive listener as Emily had told a little more about her life. The young woman seemed fascinated that Emily was a lawyer, and questioned her about it as they left the hotel.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cAunt Emily, are you the kind of lawyer who defends murderers and such?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Moving Sara aside from the group, Emily explained. \u201cThere are all kinds of law practice, Sara. Many are opening a bit for women, but criminal law\u2014that\u2019s where you defend those accused of crimes like murder\u2014is not welcoming to female lawyers just yet. It\u2019ll come in time, but a male attorney is always the first choice in that situation.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cSo what do you do then? I heard Uncle Adam say that you talked so fast because you defend people in court. Why do you do that if they aren\u2019t criminals?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cMy specialty is property and estate law. I joined my father\u2019s firm after finishing law school, and that gave me a leg up in getting started in my profession. He always told me that the law we practiced was just as interesting as criminal law because you always find the biggest crooks where the money is. And when it comes to property, figuring out who really owns it, has title to it, or inherits it, can cause some big ruckuses, and that\u2019s when we end up in court. I\u2019ve had to argue against some mighty high-handed men who thought making a case against a woman lawyer was so easy they didn\u2019t even bother to prepare.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Another granddaughter was now paying attention. Melanie asked, \u201cSo what happens when they don\u2019t come prepared?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cThey find out that going up against me is not a cake-walk. I am always prepared, and can talk faster than any man alive, as your uncle seems to have figured out too. Sometimes the opposing attorneys are just so flabbergasted when I finish that they can\u2019t decide what to say. The other more pompous ones try to argue with bombastic accusations or platitudes that do nothing for them in the end. I usually win my cases because I only take the ones with merit, and then put everything I have into making them indisputable.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Melanie was just voicing her thoughts about becoming a lawyer too, when she was interrupted by her younger brother, Sage, running toward the women, waving his arms and crying.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

His mother Mary, Ben\u2019s wife, caught him as he arrived, demanding to know why he was in town and what he was so distraught about.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The young child sobbed as he tried to explain. \u201cI was at Doc Feinstein\u2019s, but I saw you all out here by the hotel.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Mary held him, soothing him to get more information. \u201cWhy were you at Doc Feinstein\u2019s? Where\u2019s your father and the rest of the family?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cPapa\u2019s at the doc\u2019s with Uncle Eric and Grandpa. The other kids are there too.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Emily had taken in this brief snippet of information, and noticed with concern that one name had been missing in his recital. Kneeling next to Sage, she pressed him for details. \u201cAnd what about your Uncle Adam, sweetheart? Is he with you too?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Sage looked first at Emily and then clung to his mother as he whimpered, \u201cUncle Adam is\u2026oh, Mama, Uncle Adam was driving really fast and my pet snake, Harvey, went across the road in front of him. He tried to swerve but ended up tipping over and crashed, and now he\u2019s\u2026he\u2019s\u2026\u201d A great sigh took every ounce of his breath, as Sage shuddered.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Emily almost shrieked, but managed to keep her voice calm. \u201cAnd now he\u2019s what, Sage?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cHe\u2019s dead!\u201d The child burst out before burying his head in the folds of his mother\u2019s dress.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Emily didn\u2019t need to hear more. She was already running toward the door she\u2019d seen the child exit minutes earlier, murmuring as she ran, \u201cI knew it would end this way\u2026 I just knew it.\u201d Emily arrived at the door of the doctor\u2019s office, but as she reached to turn the handle, her head began to swim with darkness and bursts of light. She realized what was happening, thinking ironically that it might have been better for her to breathe instead of rant as she ran\u2014just before she fell in a dead faint\u2014breathing out the only word that mattered to her, \u201cAdam.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

***<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The world began to take form again in fuzzy images. One of the images wore a white bandage on his head and a black sling on his arm and looked amazingly like Emily\u2019s departed husband. She wondered briefly if she had perhaps had a heart attack instead of merely fainting as she had thought she was about to do. Maybe she had joined Adam in death\u2014and she found great satisfaction in that. But then other forms took shape behind Adam that she recognized as Joe and his boys.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

A voice she hadn\u2019t heard before, cautioned the group, \u201cBack up and give the poor woman some air. She\u2019s coming around now and you don\u2019t want to give her reason to pass out again, do you?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The apparition that looked like Adam leaned close and spoke softly. \u201cAre you all right, Em? You scared me half to death. Are you ill?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cAdam? It\u2019s really you!\u201d Emily sat up and grabbed her husband. \u201cHe said you were dead!\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWho said I was dead?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cSage. He came running for Mary and said you had swerved to avoid a pet and crashed. He said you were dead.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWell, you can see I\u2019m very much alive. I did swerve, the bike fell and I banged up my shoulder and head.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Emily was confused. \u201cBut then\u2026who died?<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Joe intercepted the conversation. \u201cIt wasn\u2019t a \u2018who,\u2019 Emily, it was a what. Harvey was grass snake. Sage found it in the field while we were taking turns on the cycle, and promptly adopted him and named him Harvey. The dang thing took off across the road just as Adam came barreling along at top speed. I\u2019m sure Adam heard Sage scream about the snake and tried to avoid it, but alas, Harvey is now in his eternal rest, while thankfully Adam is only a little worse for wear.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The Cartwright men filled Emily in on the high points of the day while waiting for the women to make their way to the office. Since Adam wasn\u2019t seriously injured, they were able to laugh about his acrobatics as he tried to keep the cycle upright. Within minutes of joining the men, June had the group organized and headed to wagons to start for home.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Riding in the back of a buckboard with Adam, Emily noticed him wincing as the wheels hits ruts in the hard ground. \u201cYou deserve every bit of pain you\u2019re in,\u201d she teased. \u201cBut don\u2019t worry; I\u2019ll make you feel better once we\u2019re home.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cOh yeah? How do plan to do that?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Emily leaned to whisper in Adam\u2019s ear, leaving him blushing from neck to forehead.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

They rode in silence for a time as the blush faded, and Emily finally asked how it had felt like to ride that \u201cthing.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam became very animated. \u201cIt\u2019s pure wonder, Em. You feel like you\u2019ve sprouted wings and can fly.\u201d His mind was flying just as he had earlier. \u201cIt was like looking down at the universe and fulfilling every childhood dream all at once. It was\u2026amazing.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Memories Are Precious Things Adam.<\/strong><\/p>\n

They\u2019re Always There When You Need Them Most<\/strong><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

The last few days at the ranch were spent simply: picnics, trips to areas of the ranch Adam wanted to see again, a few more \u201cuneventful\u201d rides on the Harley, and Emily learning to fish under the young Cartwrights\u2019 tutelage. They declared her to be a real sport when she actually baited her own hooks with the worms they had dug from behind the barn.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

One sunny afternoon, Adam asked Emily to take a carriage ride with him. She expected a group to tag along as was the norm, but this time no one volunteered\u2014making her a bit suspicious that Adam had prearranged their absence. The suspicion turned to interest as the ride continued to a small fenced area overlooking the lake, and she realized that Adam had brought her to the family cemetery.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

He escorted her through the stones that marked the lives of the people he had loved. The largest of the markers was for his father, and next to Ben\u2019s was one that was older, with the name Marie Cartwright. Adam told Emily the story of his father returning from New Orleans with the beautiful, young Marie, the arrival of Joe into their family, and of her untimely death when Joe was five. As they moved through the long grass, they found another stone etched with the name, Eric \u201cHoss\u201d Cartwright, and two matching stones remembering Melinda and Abel.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam reminisced briefly about Hoss, noting that he died while saving a family from the river. He sighed as he said he couldn\u2019t believe his father and Hoss were gone. \u201cThey still seem so much a part of everything connected with the ranch, that for the first few days I was here, I expected to see them come down the stairs or walk through the front door.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Emily knew then that she\u2019d been correct in her assessment. Her husband had been chasing shadows, but in the last few days, he had truly relaxed. Being with Joe and his nephews seemed to have brought back the past while grounding him in the present.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Her musings were cut short as Adam took her shoulders, turning her to face him. He took a moment to collect his thoughts before beginning. \u201cI honestly didn\u2019t know what I expected to find on this trip. I knew I\u2019d get on fine with Joe and the boys, but truly thought it would be a tense and fruitless time: that I would leave, feeling no more connection to this place than before I arrived. But it\u2019s been just the opposite, Emily. I was reluctant to come, but the time has gone so fast that now I\u2019m reluctant to leave.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Emily nodded as she smiled. \u201cYou do seem to be enjoying your time here.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cIt feels like I\u2019m home, Emily, and I\u2019d like to buried here. I know it\u2019s a lot to ask, but will bring me to be with my family after I die?<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The tears were unintended, but unstoppable. \u201cOf course I\u2019ll bring you home. Just promise me it won\u2019t be any time soon!\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam drew his wife to his chest, her tears soaking into his shirt. \u201cI promise to live as long as I can.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Emily raised her head to give him a wilting look. \u201cThat\u2019s not quite the reassurance I was looking for.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam grabbed a blanket from the carriage and helped Emily to sit atop the warm, thick grass amid the markers. Surrounded by his family, he told her more about his life with Melinda and their son, then turned to thoughts about growing up with Joe and Hoss: their fierce disagreements as well as their ferocious defense of one another. Taking Emily\u2019s finger, he moved it across the scar on his upper lip to tell the story of how the area had been split when Hoss had mistakenly swung a wooden sword at his face during a childhood reenactment of David and Goliath. \u201cAfter my father passed out trying close the gaping cut, Marie took over and put in a row of tiny stitches so I\u2019d have the smallest scar possible. Hoss always felt awful for doing that, and I had to be careful shaving because of it. But it made me think of him every day.\u201d He grinned. \u201cIt\u2019s the only part of shaving I miss.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The stories continued as Emily sat in rapt attention. She came to know of Adam\u2019s respect and admiration for his father. He spoke of the journey to this land and their family\u2019s fight to get it, keep it and make it prosper. Dusk was falling as they finally folded the blanket and boarded the carriage for the ride home. Emily moved in close to her husband as his arm encircled her shoulders, pulling her even closer. They were both quiet as they rode, their silence broken only as they neared the house when Emily reached to kiss his cheek and whispered, \u201cThank you.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

***<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam at first rejected Joe\u2019s suggestion to move his father\u2019s desk to San Francisco, but was finally convinced that it would be the best solution to their dilemma over where to store it. By evening, Adam and the boys had it taken apart, crated along with the green leather chair, and moved it to the shipping office in Virginia City.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

By the time Adam and Emily were ready to leave, the alcove had been transformed into the play area for the grandchildren that June had envisioned. The shelves that had held Ben\u2019s serious looking book collection were now filled with stories the children could enjoy, and they\u2019d purchased soft, pillow laden chairs to encourage the youngsters to linger and read. This was an attempt, as June had explained, \u201cTo give the adults the chance to enjoy time together without constant interruption from children who have nothing to do.\u201d Joe had even constructed a small game table with a checkerboard expertly painted onto the surface. Adam had feared that the absence of the desk would leave a hole in the heart of the house, but after seeing the youngsters playing in the area, he was sure Joe had made the right decision.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The day before Adam and Emily\u2019s departure, Joe and his entire family left them to attend a housewarming at a neighbors\u2019 home. Since the party was for a family that Adam didn\u2019t know, he felt reasonable in turning down the invitation Joe extended. In truth,\u00a0both he and Emily\u00a0were looking forward to a little time alone at the ranch.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Emily had finished packing and had straightened their room as well as the kitchen, when she realized she hadn\u2019t seen her husband since he’d headed outside much earlier. The house seemed oddly quiet with the rest of the family away, and when her \u201cwondering\u201d about Adam’s whereabouts turned to \u201cunease\u201d at his not returning, she\u00a0went out to look for him. On entering the barn, his humming could be heard drifting down from the hayloft. Emily looked at the steep steps, then at her slim-bottomed dress, and decided she\u2019d go for broke. She appreciated the new women\u2019s clothing that had abandoned the billowing petticoats for a much sleeker style, but the dress she had on was not meant for climbing. Taking a deep breath, she held the skirt up above her knees with one hand while leaning on the wall of the barn with the other.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Emily had overheard the boys tell Adam that they had torn down the old ladder to the loft some years back when Ben had trouble with it, and had replaced it with the steep, but more gradually rising steps. It wasn\u2019t an easy climb, but she was most grateful it wasn\u2019t still a ladder. Reaching the top, she saw Adam bent over an old trunk paging through a book. Emily\u00a0stood as she reached the platform, still holding her dress as she remarked, \u201cSo this is where you ended up.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam smiled, indicating her uncovered legs with a nod, \u201cNow that\u2019s a hemline I could get used to!\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

A blush colored her cheeks as she walked over to hug him. \u201cI bet you could, you lecherous old man.\u201d\u00a0 She kissed his dusty cheek. \u201cSo what are you doing?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cJoe said that there were trunks up here that might have some things from my mother.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cFind anything?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cThere\u2019s a book that belonged to her, but that\u2019s about it.\u201d He pushed the lid shut before flashing a rakish smile. \u201cYou know, I\u2019ve always wanted to bring a girl up here and have my way with her.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cAre you telling me that I\u2019m the first woman you ever got up to the hayloft? Maybe you weren\u2019t quite the lothario I always assumed you were.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWell, there were reasons for that. There was always someone around the ranch, so privacy would have been an issue, and I can\u2019t even imagine what Pa would have done if he\u2019d ever discovered one of us up here with a girl. I think that thought was enough to make us stay on the straight and narrow when it came to loft romancing.\u201d He laughed at that, but drew Emily closer. \u201cBut right now the hired hands are all out working, and Joe\u2019s family is away\u2026so what do you say? Want to do something a little wicked?\u201d When she didn\u2019t answer immediately, he added a double eyebrow lift. \u201cYou know you\u2019d make an old man really happy.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Once he winked at her, Emily knew she would give her husband his secret wish and grabbed him by the lapels of his jacket to draw him toward her with an inviting kiss. \u201cI\u2019ll try anything once, but don\u2019t get any ideas about doing this on a regular basis.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ten minutes later they were climbing down the stairs, covered in loose hay, while laughing so hard they had trouble navigating the steps.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam was finally able to compose himself enough to say, \u201cI guess a little fun in the hayloft is something reserved for the young, my dear,\u201d before dissolving in a gale of laughter again.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Holding the torn edges of her skirt together as she tried to descend without tripping, Emily giggled through her reply. \u201cI\u2019m not sure about the young, but it\u2019s surely reserved for those with good backs and tough clothing.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

His look was sheepish as he apologized. \u201cI\u2019d been leaning over that trunk so long, I should have known my back would cramp up if I tried to lift anything\u2026sorry I dropped you\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cAnd I\u2019m sorry I clonked your head with that pitch fork handle, dear.\u201d Emily had to stop her descent to laugh. \u201cI didn\u2019t see it laying there until it was too late. Luckily it only hit your head and ripped my skirt instead of impaling us.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam pulled Emily close as he assisted her down the last few steps. \u201cThanks for trying that, Mrs. Cartwright. You are a trooper.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Swatting the loose hay from their shoulders, Emily asked, \u201cAre you feeling alright now? Is your back good\u2026head doesn\u2019t hurt too much?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cYes, dear, I\u2019m fine.\u201d His tone moved to a plane of irritation. \u201cYou don\u2019t have to mother me, Emily.\u201d He was met with a very un-motherly look he had seen a few times already from the new Mrs. Cartwright.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m glad you\u2019re fine. Then I won\u2019t feel badly when I beat you to our room.\u201d With her challenge issued, she lifted her torn skirt and walked off in a briskly. When Adam didn\u2019t immediately follow, she turned in mock impatience. \u201cAre you coming? Your old room may not be the hayloft, but we can still be a\u00a0little<\/em>\u00a0wicked.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam watched for a moment as he thought over what she had said. \u201cOh! Wait for me!\u201d As he caught up, he teased, \u201cI\u2019d offer to carry you to our room, my love, but we both know how that would end.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Part 3: Go East Old Man, Go East<\/strong><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Remembrances of the Nevada trip kept Adam and Emily chatting through the train ride back to San Francisco, and often broke into their thoughts in the years that followed.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The couple was able to build their new home in the first year of their marriage, with frequent flare-ups over the decor of the interior rooms. Arguments that Adam thought should end with his, \u201cI\u2019m the architect here,\u201d often escalated with Emily\u2019s, \u201cWell I\u2019m the woman of this house.\u201d In the end, Emily got final say on almost everything inside with the exception of Adam\u2019s study. He finally told her that if she didn\u2019t let him have his way with that room, he was going to build a shanty in the back yard to live in, and only come inside when he needed to eat. She\u2019d agreed, patting his whiskered chin, saying, \u201cYes darling\u2026and we both know what a good appetite you have, so I doubt I\u2019d even realize you weren\u2019t living in the house.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam had known when to declare d\u00e9tente, and in the end was appreciative of Emily\u2019s good taste and savvy style. The house he\u2019d imagined was even better with her influence, and as he told the story of its construction to others, he would compliment his wife and then say that he\u2019d\u00a0\u201dalmost<\/em>\u00a0told her how much he appreciated her influence many times.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The house was immediately filled with guests and students, as the duo truly became a couple with common friends and purpose. Emily and Adam celebrated the eclectic nature of the people they knew, and hosted get-togethers featuring everything from Shakespearian enactments, to nights of singing the prairie songs Adam had learned or made up on the trip West with his father. From time to time, Adam even sang the bawdier songs that he\u2019d learned around campfires on trail rides moving beef, or when touring the mining camps on the edges of the Ponderosa. But the nights the couple cherished were those when Adam and Emily worked while sharing the broad expanse of Ben\u2019s desk.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

It was those moments of closeness that Adam appreciated most. After being a solitary man for so long, he had feared he might resent Emily\u2019s intrusion into his privacy, but found he longed to have her near no matter what he was doing. He was overwhelmed with a sense of belonging that he had unconsciously missed.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

One of the Cartwrights early invitations to their new home went to the family of a young man Adam had befriended and mentored years earlier. Charles Whittlesey was an architect who had apprenticed with Prairie stylists like Louis Sullivan and Frank Lloyd Wright in Chicago before moving to Los Angeles in 1891. He soon realized he had no familiarity with what was termed \u201ccabin\u201d or \u201clodge\u201d architecture so common in the west, and began asking around to see who would be his best source of information. A name he had repeatedly heard in connection with this style was, \u201cCartwright,\u201d and one of his builders had recommended a trip to Virginia City to see the house that had set the standard. After making the trip, it was clear that he needed to speak to the man who had designed the homes that graced the Ponderosa.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Charles had sent word to Adam, asking for his help, and the two had traveled back and forth between Los Angeles and San Francisco with frequency over the next few years as Charles perfected some of the building techniques that were common to his mentor. During this time, Whittlesee\u2019s creative style was noted by the board members of the Atchison, Topeka, and Santa Fe Railroad who hired him as their main architect charged with designing a number of hotels they wanted built along their rail lines.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The friendship had continued even after Charles had no longer needed his mentor\u2019s tutelage. More recently, Adam had welcomed the Whittlesey family to San Francisco when they relocated there. Adam was already working on the engineering challenges of building from the rubble, and had convinced the city fathers that Charles would be a valuable addition to their team of architects because of his work with concrete. The older man preferred structures of wood, brick, and stone, but his engineering background let him see the value of concrete in stabilizing structures that might have to withstand the tremors of another quake someday.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The Whittlesee family had attended church with Emily and Adam and then accompanied them to the new house for Sunday lunch.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

After their meal, the two friends left their wives happily sharing information about the charitable organizations they each supported, and walked the property to view the home from every angle. \u201cIt\u2019s a fine structure, Adam,\u201d Charles commented with a twinkle in his eye, \u201cBut I expected to see some heavy beams, massive fireplaces and lots of exposed timber inside. This isn\u2019t your \u2018usual\u2019 style.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam stroked his beard as he considered his answer. \u201cYou have a point, young man. Yet, you\u2019ve worked with men far greater in this field than I, and they would point out, as I do, that a structure must compliment its setting. Men like Frank Lloyd Wright speak of designing homes that incorporate trees into their living space rather than destroying them for the structure, or cantilevered rooms next to waterfalls to totally meld into their natural setting. So as I saw it, to build the Ponderosa in San Francisco, I\u2019d have had to transplant a forest of pine and raise the sea level of this house several thousand feet to capture the essence of the Sierras. I didn\u2019t have time to do that, so I just designed a house that overlooked the sea.\u201d His comments were punctuated by a wink.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cSeems reasonable, sir.\u201d Charles laid an arm around the older man\u2019s shoulder. \u201cThis must be the influence of your Boston days. But whatever the inspiration, you\u2019ve created a beautiful place here. Its warmth comes from the inside out, not from the structure. If I may be sentimental for a moment, it\u2019s you and Emily who create that warmth. You are both so welcoming that to walk through your front door feels like I\u2019ve come home.\u201d The young man\u2019s arm tightened to embrace Adam.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

When Adam had worked closely with Charles, he had occasionally wondered\u2026 He\u2019d never shared those thoughts with anyone, but for just a second, his mind was filled again with the whisper of what might have been. A soft, \u201cThank you, son,\u201d slipped from Adam\u2019s heart before suggesting they go find the ladies and see what the children were doing.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The couples were enjoying the warm afternoon from a shaded area of the terrace while watching the Whittlesey youngsters play in the yard when Charles began to speak in a very serious manner. \u201cAdam, I know that I\u2019ve always thanked you verbally for all the help you\u2019ve given us over the years. But I was never in the position to thank you in a concrete way.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam wore a wry smile as he tried to lighten the conversation, \u201cYour thanks have always been enough, Charles. I\u2019m not sure I\u2019d appreciate a gift of \u2018concrete,\u2019 although I do admire your work with it.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cFunny, Adam,\u201d Charles groaned. \u201cYou know, many people have told me that it\u2019s nearly impossible to give you a gift. But with some thought, and suggestions from Carolyn,\u201d Charles nodded toward his wife, \u201cI think we figured something out.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

His cheeks began to tint with color as Adam tried to deflect the conversation away from himself. \u201cAgain, Charles, there\u2019s no need to do more than you already have. You\u2019ve succeeded in your profession. There\u2019s no better gift. Why don\u2019t we head out in the yard and play with your boys?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam rose and started to walk away when Charles called to him. \u201cGet back here, Adam, I\u2019m going to finish this!\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Emily rose to escort her husband back to the terrace and held onto his arm, whispering for him to \u201cbe nice.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Charles handed the couple two envelopes. \u201cOne of those has a rail pass for the Santa Fe that you can use anytime, and the other has a certificate for a two week stay at the El Tovar hotel at Grand Canyon, Arizona. You might have heard of it.\u201d The grin turning Charles\u2019 lips was broad. He knew that Adam had seen articles about it being the finest hotel ever built by the Santa Fe railroad in conjunction with the Harvey House brand, because the older man had quoted parts of the story in a congratulatory note that he had sent to Charles at the time El Tovar opened. \u201cI want you to take this trip as my thanks. And just so there\u2019s no misunderstanding\u2026I\u2019ll be offended if you don\u2019t go.\u201d Charles flashed a triumphant smile. \u201cSo there. All you have to do is call them or write to confirm your date of arrival.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

***<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Work for Emily, and Adam\u2019s teaching and consulting with the city planners, kept the couple busy for some time, but they finally decided to make the trip to Arizona for their third anniversary.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The train ride was long as it crossed California, skirted Nevada to the south, and finally made its way to the center of Arizona. Adam and Emily stepped onto their train car\u2019s platform to observe the display of nature during the last leg from Williams, Arizona to the south canyon rim. \u00a0Adam identified several species of trees he was familiar with, noting how much the general feel of the terrain reminded him of the Ponderosa, while Emily stood watching in amazement as herds of elk watched the train pass by, and then went back to eating the grass growing along the track frontage. Train service had only been active for a few years in that area, and yet the wildlife had adapted to its noise and intrusion with barely a glance.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

As they neared their destination, Adam got his first glimpse of the hotel Charles had designed peeking through the branches of Ponderosa pine from a rise above them.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

A young man approached them as the couple waited for a coach to take them from the train station up the winding drive to the hotel. \u201cAre you the Cartwrights?\u201d he asked. With a nod from Emily, he handed over an envelope addressed to Adam, in Charles Wittlesey\u2019s messy printing.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam\u2019s face took on an odd expression as he scanned the note from Charles.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Observing him, Emily\u2019s curiosity got the best of her. \u201cWhat does it say, Adam?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Motioning her away from the crowd, Adam read from the note.<\/p>\n

Welcome to El Tovar, Adam and Emily! So glad you finally made it. I had the hotel alert me once you\u2019d reserved your suite, so I could send this note.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

Remember about ten years ago, Adam, when I was having so much trouble with a project I was trying to design? The engineering was way over my level of understanding, since the building was to be constructed twenty feet from a mile deep drop-off. You stayed with me for over a week while we engineered a structure that wouldn\u2019t weaken the side of the cliff it needed to be anchored to. Your work with the Sacramento Embarcadero sure came in handy with that, and you shared your knowledge without ever probing or questioning what it was for. When you read about El Tovar, you probably realized what you had been working on. With your guidance on the foundation, as well your mentoring through the years, this hotel became a reality! Enjoy your stay. I appreciate everything you\u2019ve done for me!<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

By the way, the brochure will say that the hotel is designed to offer Victorian elegance in a setting that is part European hunting lodge and part log cabin. But once you see it, you\u2019ll know exactly whose influence inspired it.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cOh, my!\u201d Emily wasn\u2019t sure what the note meant exactly, but was pretty sure she got the gist. \u201cThe trip wasn\u2019t the thank you; this project was the thank you.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t think that\u2019s quite what he meant, but from what I can see, it\u2019s an impressive building.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam craned his neck to peer up at the hotel from the tram as it wound its way up the road to the hotel entrance. A sly smile crept onto his face as he got his first full view of the building, but by the time he looked back at Emily, he was poker-faced again.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

He took Emily\u2019s hand as they walked up the steps past the porch and into the building. His eyes widened as he took in the interior with its heavy beams, huge hearth and wooden floors. As he looked around, he noted that most of the other arriving guests were wearing the same expression of awe.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Emily nudged Adam excitedly. \u201cI know that some of the exterior is stone, but the roof lines of the entrance are similar to the Ponderosa, and the hotel profile resembles the house you designed for young Ben. And this plank and mortar interior, and its focus pieces\u2026well Charles certainly learned well, didn\u2019t he. It is absolutely astounding!\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cIt is that, Em. The student exceeded the teacher.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t think that\u2019s true, Adam.\u201d She walked toward a window that looked out on the canyon. \u201cAdam, come here.\u201d Motioning her husband to join her, she waited until he got near enough to appreciate the view before speaking. \u201cI think what Charles was trying to say in his note is that none of this building would have been possible if you hadn\u2019t helped him figure out how to put it here. What a spectacular view! I\u2019ve always heard you tell your students that whatever they\u2019re constructing should enhance its setting instead of fighting it. The way this building clings to the canyon ridge is like the roots of a tree holding up the mighty branches above it. If the roots weren\u2019t strong, the rest of it would fail as well.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam\u2019s arm encircled his wife as he kissed the top of her head. \u201cI always said you were intuitive, my dear. That\u2019s a wonderful way of describing this place.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Their third anniversary was celebrated in style as they were treated like celebrities at the resort. Their room overlooked the canyon, and when they weren\u2019t enjoying each other\u2019s company there, they walked the paths and stood on the cliffs of the canyon, overcome with the wonder of nature that could create such a thing. Viewing the scenery with reverence, Adam voiced softly, \u201cI will speak of the glorious honor of thy majesty, and of thy wondrous works. All thy works shall praise thee.\u201d*<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Emily felt the same way, but her awe kept her silent while clinging to Adam\u2019s arm. She had not known herself to be afraid of heights, but standing on the edge of the overlooks often proved a dizzying experience that left her breathless. To his credit, Emily noted that Adam didn\u2019t tease her. Yet she often felt his chest rumbling as he tried to quell his chuckling when she held onto him and moaned while burying her head in his shoulder to avoid the views that made her freeze with fear.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The Cartwrights were offered the opportunity to ride a mule train to the bottom of the canyon, and while Adam seemed anxious to do it, Emily became nauseous at the thought. She finally had to insist that Adam go alone. \u201cIt\u2019s perfectly all right, dear. I\u2019ll wait up top at the hotel in the Ladies Lounge, appropriately wringing my hands until you return.\u201d She laughed, adding, \u201cJust go, Adam. Have a good time and I\u2019ll do the same up here. There are some intriguing people around this place, and I\u2019m sure I\u2019ll not even notice that you\u2019re absent for the day.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

He had responded with assurances that the hotel wouldn\u2019t offer the experience if it was dangerous.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI know,\u201d Emily replied. \u201cI read what Mr. Harvey wrote: \u2018the mules are sure-footed and don\u2019t fall off the edge of the cliff\u2026and the paths are neither as steep nor as narrow as they will be described by guests once they return home.\u2019 And, you will be careful, right? You\u2019re a good horseman, so this should be easy.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam had resisted the urge to tell his wife that mules were different than horses, and experience on one, couldn\u2019t guarantee success on the other. But he truly wanted to make it to the bottom of the canyon, even if it meant saddle sores and an aching back, so kept silent and simply signed up for the excursion. He knew he\u2019d need to acclimate to the jerkier gate and less fluid ride on a mule going downhill, and he\u2019d once read that riding a mule with a conventional saddle was big trouble since the donkey-horse mixed breed didn\u2019t have the withers that horses had. This allowed the saddle to slide forward onto the animal\u2019s neck, pulling both mule and rider off balance, which would spell disaster on a downhill ride overlooking a mile drop.\u00a0 He\u2019d breathed a relieved sigh as he reported for his trip the next morning, noting that the saddle configuration on his mount had extra straps around the mule\u2019s rear and front ends to keep it in place.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

When he met his wife in their room late that evening after completing the ride, he asked that she go without him to dinner, citing the need to relax the tight muscles in his back and legs. Had he been able to stay awake more than a moment after stretching out on the bed, he would have heard his wife laughing at him. \u201cBack and leg muscles, my aunt Petunia,\u201d she muttered as she removed the boots from her snoring husband, \u201cJudging by the way you walked in here, I suspect it\u2019s more like the muscles between your back and legs that are causing the most grief.\u201d She kissed him as she whispered into his ear, \u201cI\u2019ll bring up some fruit for you to have later, darling. And hopefully, you\u2019ll be able to sit in a chair without too much discomfort by tomorrow morning for breakfast. I\u2019m glad you had a good time.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Their two weeks at El Tovar passed quickly, and on their final walk before leaving, Emily garnered enough courage to make it around one southwest section of the canyon to a scenic spot that was higher, overlooking the hotel from a few miles away. She was out of breath and sweating as no polite woman should, but proud to have actually followed her husband down a craggy path to a ledge with a panoramic view. She didn\u2019t want to intrude into his thoughts, but was curious to know what he was thinking as she made it to his side.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cYou have a strange expression. What\u2019s going through your mind?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

There was no immediate response as he continued gazing over the corner section of the great gorge, but finally broke his spell to answer. \u201cThis is such a remarkable place. It\u2019s so beautiful that it feels like I\u2019m looking at a picture rather than at real rocks and shrubs\u2014depth and width. The vastness allows ultimate peace and calm to wash over you, yet brings you to your knees with its massive power.\u201d He pointed to the building in the distance, nestled in the rocks and trees. \u201cAnd just look at Charles\u2019 hotel sitting there like it was formed by the same forces that created this place. It\u2019ll stand for a hundred years or more with a little care.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

He grew silent, standing in reverent observation until he realized that Emily had moved up close and was now holding onto him with a death grip. He looked over to find that her eyes were closed; she wore a line of perspiration pearls on her upper lip and looked way too pale to stay on her own feet for more than a few more minutes before passing out. Realizing that her bravado hadn\u2019t lasted as long as their excursion, he reacted quickly. \u201cI\u2019m sorry, Emily. You\u2019re as white as a sheet. Let\u2019s get you back onto solid ground.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

A Peaceful Life<\/strong><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

When they returned from Arizona, Adam retired from teaching\u2014again\u2014while agreeing to lead one seminar each semester. The rest of his time was spent in private practice and assisting with the continuing reconstruction efforts of the city. He worked with the city planner, Daniel Burnham, and like most others who saw the scope of Burnham\u2019s plans; Adam found merit in some aspects, while completely disagreeing with other parts. But the best part of working on the reconstruction was his continued association with Charles Whittlesey.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Within five years, San Francisco was on its way to becoming a cultural and business center again. The Cartwrights were always at the forefront of projects meant to entice visitors and consumers back into the city. They lobbied their professional organizations to hold their conventions there, and encouraged others to become involved with the reawakening arts.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Emily was instrumental in bringing one of the first large conventions back when she twisted enough arms to get the California Bar Association to meet in San Francisco in 1912. She also lobbied to ask a young lawyer turned philosopher, writer, and poet to be their keynote speaker.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Max Erhmann\u2019s law practice had taken a back seat to his writing by that time, but he had so much to offer in teaching members of a contentious profession how they could view the world through a softer lens, and treat those they served with greater humanity. After agreeing to speak at the convention, Max did a bit of research into the woman who had extended the invitation, finding some very interesting things about her, as well as that her husband had worn Harvard crimson as he had. When he\u2019d expressed his interest in meeting Adam, Emily had invited him to dinner.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The Cartwrights didn\u2019t employ a cook, but when Adam was too busy to perform the task and company was coming, Emily had Andre deliver a meal she could warm and serve. After introducing Max to Adam, she headed to the kitchen, leaving the two to get acquainted. Peeking into the living room a few minutes later, she saw the two in an active discussion and decided to leave them alone while she changed and finished the details for the evening.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

After dinner, Emily joined them in Adam\u2019s study, listening rather than participating, as she glanced over items for the convention that needed her attention. She had already spent quite a lot of time with Max over the run of the gathering, and sensed that the two men were kindred spirits: confr\u00e8re enjoying their brief time together.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Since Adam was a philosopher at heart, the two had rapidly found common ground and spoke easily of their time at Harvard, world situations, family histories and then moved into their personal beliefs and experiences.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Max was amazed at the wide range of encounters Adam had lived through, and finally remarked, \u201cI figure from our conversations so far, that you were an explorer, pioneer, student, engineer, rancher and cowboy\u2014all by the age of thirty. After that you studied further, traveled, taught and practiced your craft for many years. That\u2019s a lot of living for one man. And while you seem to be a man of such peace, I doubt your life was always as it seems now.\u201d He thought for a moment to clarify. \u201cWhat I mean is that your early life\u2014that time with your family in Nevada\u2026well\u2026I\u2019ve heard what the West was like in those days and my guess is that you had to make some life and death decisions. It leaves me to wonder how those experiences contributed to the man you are now.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cThere are many kinds of peace, Max, as well as many dichotomies in each person. I have often had to defend myself or what I believed in. And as you have surmised from the places and times I\u2019ve lived in, I\u2019ve had to face another person, knowing that I would take their life, or they would take mine.\u201d Adam\u2019s response silenced as images from the past sped through his mind like heavy rain washing down a mountainside. Names jabbed and poked, bringing back the pain and loss associated with the decisions he\u2019d had to make regarding them. They were all still there, even though he had tried to forget: Jesse Sanders, Jeb Drummond, Sam Bryant, Gerald Eskith, Ross Marquette, Ed Payson, Bill Enders, Peter Kane, Tom Wilson, Howard Meade\u2026 Those encounters could have turned him into a jaded killer, but instead, the experiences had allowed him to learn the lessons of their lives and he understood that they had each left him stronger rather than diminished.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

He began to speak again as he regained his focus. \u201cEach person must make decisions as to what to believe, whom to trust, and how to manage their life. It\u2019s those inner qualities that go into our responses in any situation. Sometimes our decisions are literally life and death, and many decisions can feel that way even when we\u2019re only facing only ourselves in the duel. So true peace comes from inside us and takes a strong will to maintain.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Max\u2019s puzzled look registered his confusion. \u201cI understand that to a point, Adam.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI learned long ago that life constantly forces us to make decisions over how to act, what to honor, and whether to go after someone with a measured response, or with guns blazing. Unfortunately, many of those decisions are made in the heat of the moment. A person who has peace within himself can make every decision with care and thought rather than out of reaction. It takes practice\u2026and learning through failure to get it right. And believe me when I say it takes a lot of work to become comfortable with the fact that the world will try to shake your peace\u2014to convince you to take the easy way out of your problems, or to back away from your convictions.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cMight you put this into an example from your life?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Unsure of whether to share intimate details of his past with this stranger, Adam took a few moments before deciding there was something inherently good about the young man, and realized that he trusted him. \u201cThere was a time when I saw a good man murdered. I knew who had done it, yet all the evidence pointed away from that person. The murderer tried to discredit me in several ways, and finally called me out in a gunfight. I refused to be taunted because he only wanted to create a public display of his\u00a0innocence<\/em>, and at the time, my refusal to face him made others doubt both my accusation and my courage. Even my family tried to make me \u2018reconsider\u2019 my absolute surety of this man\u2019s guilt; but I wouldn\u2019t. It wasn\u2019t that I was hard-headed as I was considered to be; I just had a peace about the truth of the situation that allowed me to go forward and I stopped listening to those who were determined that I was wrong.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Max nodded as he tried to summarize the thought. \u201cSo you\u2019re saying that you can\u2019t surrender the peace of your convictions to those trying to convince you to distrust yourself? Or perhaps that when you know the truth that\u2019s in your heart, the best course of action is to say what needs to be said, and then let other think and say what they will?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s a good way to describe it, Max. You seem to have a gift of being able to explain thoughts very clearly and concisely.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cThank you, sir. I think that\u2019s why I was a good lawyer, but it\u2019s also why I think I have a chance to reach people with simple truths told through my poetry.\u201d After waiting a moment as his host nodded and expressed his agreement with Max\u2019s plans, the young man continued, \u201cMay I ask you about how you\u2019ve dealt with all the people you\u2019ve met throughout your lifetime? There must have been a wide variety of personalities.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam nodded as names and faces surrounded him again. \u201cI have always tried to listen to others without judging them or their circumstances. Some of the most interesting people I\u2019ve known were scoundrels, thieves, ne\u2019er-do-wells or those disregarded by \u2018proper society.\u2019 But even though they often paid the ultimate price for their indiscretions, I learned many life lessons from them.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Max responded, \u201cI think I\u2019ve learned that lesson as well. Everyone has a story if you care enough to listen.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

A laugh from Adam was followed by clarification. \u201cYou have to understand though that some people should be avoided at all costs. While most folks have something worth listening to, there are those who just enjoy hearing themselves talk. I\u2019ve met up with a few of them over the years as well.\u201d\u00a0 Adam paused as Max chuckled knowingly. \u201cEmily tells me that you\u2019re putting all your efforts into poetry and writing now rather than the practice of law. Has that met with much resistance from your family and associates? It\u2019s never easy to walk away from one life to move to another.\u00a0This\u00a0<\/em>I know from experience.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cOf course some think I\u2019m throwing my life away while chasing after dreams but for me it\u2019s more important to keep going wherever life takes me.\u201d Max gave an exhausted sigh, \u201cMaybe I need to pay attention to what you said, Adam, and stop trying to convince others that I\u2019m doing the right thing. I think I\u2019ll stop explaining my intentions and just do what I need to do.\u201d He smiled then and added. \u201cI don\u2019t think Emily\u2019s had a chance to tell you, but I\u2019ve asked her to be my counsel on legal matters with my future publications, and since she is an author, I\u2019ve also asked that she take a look at what I hope to publish.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam\u2019s eye\u2019s widened in surprise. \u201cThat sounds wonderful.\u201d \u00a0He looked over at his wife who wore a satisfied smile. \u201cEmily must trust you if she told you about her book. She is usually very shy about it.\u201d He sent a wink toward his wife, who discreetly rolled her eyes at him in response.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI recently found out that I\u2019ve known Emily\u2019s work since I was a child,\u201d Max admitted. \u201cMy mother had her book of poems, as does my wife. But that\u2019s not what drew me to her. I think I\u2019ve read every legal opinion that she\u2019s published and they reflect ideals similar to mine as regards the treatment of people who are often not esteemed by the legal profession. I\u2019m very impressed in her work with endowments and funding of charitable organizations.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ve always been proud of Emily\u2019s work with the poor. The officials in San Francisco might be managing the job of getting the city back on its feet, but the corruption here has never favored those who can least provide for themselves. Emily\u2019s efforts have helped to created large sums of money for groups to use in charitable pursuits.\u201d Adam glanced over at his wife again, noting her glowing smile as she worked at her papers without looking up. \u201cI\u2019m sure she\u2019ll very much enjoy working with you.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cIf I may get back to a few thoughts before I leave, sir? I\u2019m wondering why you are still teaching as well as working at a time when you could be retired and away from the fray?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

It was Adam\u2019s turn to grin. \u201cI\u2019m not sure if you\u2019re implying that this is a good thing or bad, but I\u2019m committed to staying interested and involved in my work. My father ranched until the day he passed, and lived well for it. It\u2019s important to me to keep abreast of new developments and share with those who are starting out.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI ask only in admiration,\u201d Max replied as his cheeks glowed pink. \u201cYou mentioned your father staying active. If I may be so bold, and since I\u2019ve stuck my foot in it already\u2026may I ask how\u00a0you<\/em>\u00a0view getting older?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cHmm,\u201d Adam stroked his beard as he was known to do while contemplating an answer. \u201cI think I don\u2019t enjoy it as much as I might have hoped.\u201d His chuckle was contagious as Max joined in. \u201cBut I think I\u2019ve found that age brings wisdom, a deeper appreciation for life and even a few wonderful surprises. I don\u2019t find it necessary to pretend to be what I\u2019m not anymore and would hope that others think I that I\u2019m aging\u2026gracefully; I think that\u2019s how it\u2019s described. My accumulating years have given me strength to face what\u2019s coming, and I find that staying active and involved tends to keep the fears of that in check.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI can\u2019t think of a better way to live. Emily tells me you have great faith despite a life that was often wrought with loss, and keep a very positive outlook.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Emily\u2019s head popped up as she heard Max speak, fearing Adam might be upset that she had shared personal information about him with a stranger. She noted with relief that Adam\u2019s look was simply questioning, not angry, and she joined the conversation to explain. \u201cI told Max that there was a time when I struggled with fear that I would repeat my old mistakes and that no matter how much I trusted someone, it might not be enough to forestall unforeseen things from happening. You helped me see that the only way we can make it through life when we face hardship or doubt, is to trust that God has a plan for us\u2026that life progresses as it should, and that we often cannot control those things that affect us the most.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWow,\u201d Adam teased, \u201cI said all that? I\u2019m smarter than I thought.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Max observed the couple, deciding that they had something very special. \u201cI should be getting back to the hotel now. My train leaves early tomorrow and I would like to do a little writing before I turn in. I want to thank you both for a wonderful evening. I know you married later in life and had each gone through some rough years before finding each other, but I hope you both understand what you have. Love is the one human emotion that can bring out the best or worst in us. In you two, it brings out the best.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam and Emily talked about the visit until late into the night, deciding that Max Erhmann was a person with deep insight into the human heart. Adam commented with a yawn, \u201cThat young man will write something one day that will touch a lot of hearts with its message. I hope I\u2019ll be around to see it.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

And Then There Was One<\/strong><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The San Francisco Cartwrights were readying their home for the visit of Joe and June Cartwright in the summer of 1914 when they received a telegram stating that the trip would have to be postponed until later. June\u2019s letter arrived after that, explaining that Joe had come down with \u201csomething\u201d and was having a hard time getting over the effects. She gave reassurances that once his strength was back they would proceed as planned.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Summer turned to fall with no further word on a new travel date, and Adam worried that they wouldn\u2019t be able to make it once the weather got too cold in the high country.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Letters had continued to arrive at regular intervals as Joe wrote of the ranch and feeling better, but not really up to snuff\u2014or at least not enough to make the long trip to San Francisco.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

***<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam walked into the house with the day\u2019s mail stuffed under his arm and dropped his brief case and packages to the credenza by the door before shuffling through the letters. His eyes were instantly drawn to his brother\u2019s unruly scrawl on an envelope addressed only to him. Sinking into his favorite chair, he quickly opened the letter and scanned it, hoping it would finally bring news of a visit.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

He was rereading the page when Emily walked in and moved to stand behind him. Recognizing the handwriting on the page, she asked with enthusiasm, \u201cWhat\u2019s the news from the Ponderosa?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam turned to her with a puzzled expression. \u201cIt says nothing really, Em. Yet I\u2019m afraid it says everything.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cHow so?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cListen to this part.\u00a0\u00a0I really wanted to see you and Emily yet this year, but I\u2019m afraid that\u2019s not going to happen. My illness continues with no abatement and little reassurance from the hacks they call doctors inhabiting Virginia City. I\u2019m sure it will ease eventually, but should we not get to see you, I just want you to know that you have always been in my heart, brother. I\u2019m glad we had that chance to talk things out a few years ago. Just remember that you always made the right decisions and I always looked up to you.<\/em>\u201d\u00a0 Adam shook his head sadly. \u201cWhat do you make of that?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cIt almost sounds like he\u2019s saying goodbye?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam nodded as he slipped the page back into the envelope and tucked it in his pocket. \u201cBut you know Joe. He\u2019s pretty crazy at times and probably wants me to think things are dire\u2014just before he shows up on our porch.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

***<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

It wasn\u2019t entirely a surprise when a telegram arrived from Ben a few days later, telling of his father\u2019s passing. The note advised not making travel plans since winter had arrived early in the Sierras and they didn\u2019t want Adam and Emily stuck somewhere in a storm.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

A later letter from June explained that Joe had died of a wasting sort of disease that had taken him down in a matter of months. \u201cCancer,\u201d she wrote, \u201cand there was nothing to do for it.\u201d She expressed her relief that Adam had honored their wish that they not come, since a train had gone off the tracks in a storm about the time they would have been traveling. She also included the grizzly fact that the ground had been frozen so hard that Joe\u2019s body had to be stored in the barn for days while a fire thawed his gravesite enough to bury him.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Emily knew that his brother\u2019s death was having a deep impact on her husband. And though she found him sitting behind his desk staring into space a number of times since receiving the news, he would wave her off when she asked him to speak to her about it, saying that he was fine. Coming upon him looking lost one day, she finally knelt next to him. \u201cPlease tell me about it, Adam. I don\u2019t know what you\u2019re going through, but I can listen.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

He turned and took her hands. \u201cHow do I share something like this, Emily?\u201d The response wasn\u2019t meant as unkind: just fact. \u201cI actually had a client come to the office to express his sympathy, but then congratulated me on being the last Cartwright standing!\u201d He heard Emily gasp as he continued, \u201cWould someone honestly think that there should be some meaning or glory attached to outliving your family? Can anyone think there\u2019s satisfaction in that?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

His shoulders had slumped as a tear slid silently down his cheek. Emily reached to enfold him. \u201cOf course there\u2019s nothing good about it, Adam. Maybe they just don\u2019t know what to say and instead of keeping still, they just say \u2018something.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam sighed, \u201cYou\u2019re probably right, Em. People really don\u2019t know how to react to bad news, and don\u2019t know enough to say nothing other than that they\u2019re sorry for the loss.\u201d He took her hands again. \u201cThere is something that has come from this, though.\u201d He slid a brochure across the desk top toward his wife. \u201cAfter the problems Joe\u2019s family had after his death, I realized that should my passing occur during the winter months, you would be faced with many obstacles in trying to take me to Nevada. I was going to change my plans, but then I found this.\u201d He indicated the title, \u201cCremation Services in San Francisco.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Emily looked at him, not understanding. \u201cWhat\u2019s this about?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ve been in touch with a place that does cremation, Em. It\u2019s becoming an accepted method of dealing\u2026instead of a burial. I want to be cremated, and then all you need do is get my box of ashes back home and let me loose over the land whenever the timing seems right. That would be a very simple solution, don\u2019t you think?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Her eyes widened as she considered what she\u2019d just been told. \u201cI know that you\u2019re thinking of me by going this route, Adam, but you don\u2019t have to make such a drastic decision. I\u2019ll do what you\u2019ve asked, even without\u2026this.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

He lifted her chin and kissed her gently. \u201cI know you\u2019ll honor whatever you promise to do. You always have, and this will be no different. But I\u2019m not doing it for you; I\u2019m doing it for me. I want to die knowing that my last request will not put others in harm\u2019s way or prolong your mourning. What June wrote about the agony in delaying the burial made me think about what honoring my wishes could really mean for you.\u201d He smiled then. \u201cBesides, you know I\u2019ve always loved to embrace new developments. It will be in keeping with my trend-setting nature.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

She smiled at him, knowing that no matter what he said, this decision wasn\u2019t easy. There would be those whose eyebrows would raise in shock and call him a heathen. But this was just one more loving gesture from the man she adored. \u201cThank you, Adam. I\u2019ll do whatever you think best.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Remembering the Men They Loved<\/strong><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

There was a Cartwright family reunion in San Francisco the spring of 1916. Joe was being honored with a posthumous \u201cLifetime Achievement Award\u201d by the Cattlemen\u2019s Association, and the Ponderosa had again won the Outstanding Ranch of the Year designation. June and two of her sons booked rooms at a hotel near the convention, but Adam and Emily suggested that Joe Jr. stay at the house, suspecting that his wife and baby would be more comfortable in their home.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The first morning after their arrival, Emily awoke in an empty bed, and padded through the house to see where her husband had gone off to so early. She stopped her descent from the second floor to stare lovingly at the scene below. Adam was rocking his six-month-old nephew and namesake, Adam Abel Cartwright, while humming softly as the baby slept. Closing the distance to the rocker, Emily passed him a questioning look.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam whispered, \u201cI heard him fussing earlier and went to pick him up. We\u2019ve been rocking for about an hour now.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cYou look very nice with that baby on your lap, Mr. Cartwright. It suits you,\u201d she teased in a whisper as well.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI admit I had no idea what I was doing, but he seemed to like it, so I just kept rocking until he dozed off. As I recall, Abel often just liked to snuggle and rock when he couldn\u2019t sleep.\u201d As Emily sat next to them, Adam noted a tortured look wash over her face that vanished as she regained her composure. \u201cWhat\u2019s wrong, Emily?\u201d he asked quietly.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cNothing\u2019s wrong.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cYes there is. I know that look.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s just that you seem so perfect with that baby that I wonder why you didn\u2019t marry a younger woman who could have given you children. It was something I could never offer you.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

His chuckle made the baby squirm with the movement of his chest. \u201cEmily Mills, do you honestly think you were the first woman that ever tried to catch my eye?\u201d He moved his finger to his lips to shush her when she attempted to respond. \u201cDon\u2019t disturb little Adam here, or I\u2019ll have to wake his mother to get him back to sleep.\u201d He waited for Emily to understand that he was teasing her. Once she smiled, he resumed, \u201cThe truth is that I could have married many times. One of the main reasons I left Boston was because I was being introduced to every unmarried female in Cambridge and the greater Boston area. I would accept a dinner invitation and arrive to find an unescorted single woman for me to partner up with for the evening. I grew weary of it. I didn\u2019t want another family, and another child could never \u2018make up\u2019 for the one that I lost.\u201d His tone gentled even further as he smiled, \u201cAnd maybe, I knew that someday I would meet the perfect woman, and wanted to make sure I was still available.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

She rose and walked behind him to kiss his bald pate. A tear dropped as she did so, causing Adam to tease her about her \u201cleakage problem.\u201d He reached up with his free hand taking hers, and bringing it to his lips for a kiss. \u201cMy life is perfect the way it is.\u201d<\/p>\n

***<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The entire Cartwright clan was invited to the house for a celebration before heading home. Their women spent the day in \u201cfemale\u201d activities while the men found plenty of adult playthings awaiting them in Adam\u2019s shed, including the newest Harley Davidson motorcycle. But they all gathered toward evening. Talk soon drifted to remembrances of the four Cartwrights who had built the Ponderosa, the impact they\u2019d made and the fun they\u2019d had. Adam recalled some of the wilder times he\u2019d had with his brothers, like chasing a bull through the streets of Virginia City, buying a thoroughbred racehorse with Hoss only to be beaten by their brother on short-legged, wild-eyed ranch horse, and even some of the arguments they\u2019d had over women. June got into the spirit of things as she recalled some of the stories Ben had told her over the years.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The biggest smiles came as the great nephews, who had been young children when Adam and Emily had come for Joe Jr.\u2019s wedding, broke into their stories of the visit: their favorite being the fact that their great uncle had audibly groaned most times he had gotten up on his horse while he was there. One of Eric\u2019s son, Mark, who\u2019d been about five at that time, asked shyly, \u201cPa, can I tell my story about that?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Eric laughed, saying he should go ahead, and offered apologies to the ladies, saying that it was a bit crude, but demonstrated just what his uncle and father were like when they were together.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Mark continued, emboldened as his story was received with eagerness. \u201cUncle Adam didn\u2019t really groan, he yelped\u2014like he\u2019d sat on something sharp\u2014and then sighed as he settled into the saddle.\u201d His cousins nodded their approval of the description as he went on. \u201cI had no idea why he did that, and finally asked Grandpa Joe why Uncle Adam made that awful noise each time he swung over the horse.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The eyes in the room shifted toward Adam to see how he was responding to the story. To their relief, he was turning pink, but was also grinning widely as Mark spoke. \u201cGrandpa took me aside and told me that Uncle Adam kept a bird in his pants pocket to remind him how to get into his saddle right. He said that when Uncle Adam didn\u2019t get enough lift goin\u2019 over the top of the saddle, that old bird would bite him, and it made our uncle holler a little. At first I didn\u2019t believe him, but Grandpa said it was true, and then said that only old men who hadn\u2019t ridden a horse in a while, had to carry those birds around. When I said that I\u2019d never heard of that before, he reminded me that all of us on the Ponderosa were good riders, so no one needed one. I still didn\u2019t believe him so asked what the name of the bird was. Grandpa pulled me close and whispered in my ear. He called it a \u2018Warbling Nut Thrasher.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The men laughed openly at the name with Adam\u2019s laugh being the fullest, while the ladies discretely hid their giggling behind their hands. Mark waited for the laughter to die down. \u201cWait! That wasn\u2019t the worst part.\u201d He looked toward his uncle to ask, \u201cDo you remember when I came to you and actually asked where you kept your \u2018Warbling Nut Thrasher\u2019 when it wasn\u2019t in your pants?\u201d Adam\u2019s deep laugh assured him that he did. \u201cUncle Adam gave me the strangest look, then patted my head and said, \u2018Your grandpa put you up to this, didn\u2019t he?\u2019 It wasn\u2019t until a few days later that my brother told me that Grandpa Joe was pulling my leg.\u201d The story and admission had the group laughing to the point of tears. \u201cDid you ever ask Grandpa about it, Uncle Adam? All I know was that I pretty much kept out of sight until you and Aunt Emily left.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The deep chuckle returned as Adam replied. \u201cI never actually asked him about it, Mark, but one day we were out in the yard and a bird flew past us, nearly hitting your grandfather in the head. I think I remarked that it must have been a Nut Thrasher, and Joe just about choked!\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Emily had to bite her cheeks to keep from laughing too loudly. Mark\u2019s story had solved a mystery she had wondered about since that day in the Ponderosa hayloft, when Adam had first suggested they do something wicked. She thought he had asked if she wanted to see the bird he kept in his pocket. When she had asked about it later Adam had said she must have misunderstood. Now she knew the truth.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Once eyes were dried and the last of the giggling ended, the conversation took a turn toward more serious topics. It was Eric who asked, \u201cDo you think America will end up in the war in Europe with Germany, Uncle Adam?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI think we won\u2019t have much choice in the matter if we wish to become a real world power. We probably should have entered it when the Germans sank the Lusitania last year.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben replied, \u201cPa said something pretty similar about us needing to stake our claim in the world. You really are two birds of a feather.\u201d The reference to birds prompted another round of giggles, but Ben continued when it ended. \u201cThe one thing Pa never wanted to talk about was the Civil War. We all learned in school that Nevada became an important part of the war since there were several factions vying for the silver being mined there. Yet all Pa would ever say about it was that he had made some big mistakes. He said they weren\u2019t mistakes about favoring the South, but in trusting some very unscrupulous people who tried to use his sentiments for their own purposes. As a result he felt he\u2019d almost pushed Uncle Adam away and hurt Grandpa, and said he didn\u2019t like thinking about it.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam\u2019s look was questioningly sad. \u201cI think your father and I held some strong opinions about that war, but they were fair. There were a couple of rough times, but Joe was young, very idealistic and passionate. We may have both overreacted to the times, but found our way back to each other and our family. And above all, I think the look on Hoss\u2019 face the night your pa and I both left the Ponderosa would have haunted us until we made peace. Your uncle was such a peaceful man that our argument over something that seemed so remote to him, looked to nearly kill him.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

It was Joe Jr. who agreed that his father had said something similar. \u201cUncle Hoss must have been some guy.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam\u2019s eyes glistened as he commented softly, \u201cThat he was, boys: a very special man.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Age Is In the Eye of the Beholder<\/strong><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

In Emily\u2019s eyes, Adam seemed as young as he had the day he\u2019d found her sprawled on the sidewalk ten years earlier. Yet, despite her selective blindness to the physical changes, she couldn\u2019t deny that her husband occasionally appeared lost in thought\u2014a faraway kind that he seemed to leave behind with regret. She would often tease him to rid his face of the wistfulness that lingered at such times, asking him if he was perhaps entertaining thoughts about other women, or hatching a cunning plan.<\/p>\n

It was these journeys into solitude however that finally convinced Emily that all was not well with the man she loved. She remembered her father\u2019s face set similarly as he grew tired of fighting the war that time waged against him, and reasoned that Adam might also be looking toward a time without physical limitation and pain, and a place where his family awaited him. Even as she grew to accept the truth of Adam\u2019s worsening health, Emily continued to distract him from his mental excursions. She didn\u2019t do this because she minded that he was growing older, or that she cared that he might have some health issues\u2014she did it because what she feared above all else was that Adam was considering his last journey\u2014the one he would take without her.<\/p>\n

To his credit, Adam had adjusted to the gradual changes of age with grace, but he had reached a point where he had to admit that it took longer to do just about everything.\u00a0 With his good humor still intact, he confessed that his lifelong tendency to lean on something when he stood was no longer just an issue of posture, but had become a convenient way to ease his aching frame and catch his breath.<\/p>\n

Adam had been able to maintain the lifestyle that both he and Emily had enjoyed\u2014until recently. He was under the medical care of a friend from Berkeley and visited the physician earlier in the day, where he received news that confirmed his suspicions. Although he had tried in recent months to express his concern, Emily had skillfully deferred the conversations, insisting that whatever he was experiencing would clear up with time. He suspected that she was trying to reassure him rather than refusing to face the truth, but now he needed her by his side in full understanding, and resolved that they would speak when she arrived home.<\/p>\n

He was reading a letter while relaxing on their front porch when Emily returned that evening. Greeting her as she walked up the stairs, he asked, \u201cHow was your day?\u201d<\/p>\n

Her satisfaction was evident in her cat-like grin as she answered, \u201cIt was a grand day! The Franklin family agreed to abide by the conditions of their father\u2019s will. I\u2019m pretty sure their decision was influenced more by their desire to get at the money without using it to fight each other in court, than by any words of wisdom I imparted. But it\u2019s finished and I\u2019m happy.\u201d She bent to kiss him and began her own questioning. \u201cAnd what of your day? What did your doctor have to say?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHe said that we\u2019re having some beautiful late summer weather and asked after you.\u201d<\/p>\n

Her eyes narrowed as she redirected, \u201cI should know better than to ask you an open-ended question like that. What did he say about you getting so winded when you walk? Is it a lingering cold as I suspect?\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam looked up at his wife as he chuckled. \u201cPlease sit down, dear. You know I feel like I\u2019m under cross-examination when you stand over me.\u201d<\/p>\n

She sat as her voice became wary. \u201cYou\u2019re stalling. What did Mark say?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHe said it\u2019s inevitable.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat\u2019s inevitable?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cGetting old.\u201d<\/p>\n

Emily challenged his platitude with one of her own, \u201cI know you\u2019re getting old, but that doesn\u2019t mean you have to feel old.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo matter how I\u00a0feel<\/em>\u00a0about it, aging is terminal. I can\u2019t live forever\u2026and unfortunately my health is waning.\u201d Adam saw the look of panic sweep over his wife\u2019s face and considered how to soften what he was about to say. It was the hardest thing he had ever had to tell her and he knew their life would not be the same after the words were spoken. There was no other way to say it though, and he did so with directness. \u201cMark says that I\u2019m short of breath because my heart is failing.\u201d<\/p>\n

Emily\u2019s eyes widened as she took in the information but she remained silent, allowing him to continue.<\/p>\n

\u201cThe irony is that after being shot, stabbed, and beaten senseless when I was young\u2026all of which could have caused lasting effects, Mark figures that this started with a fever I had when I was even younger. While the condition improved, the organism that caused it stuck around, and injured the valves in my heart. Unfortunately that damage is now having some serious effects. I suspect it was the sickness I had when Pa and I were heading west. I had a fever and sore throat that caused my tongue to look so red that Pa joked about it.\u201d He chuckled at the memory. \u201cI think Pa said it looked like I\u2019d been eating strawberries, and Mark described that as one of the possible symptoms when he was trying to pinpoint the age when it might have happened. I was just getting over it at the time we met Inger…you know, Hoss\u2019s mother.\u201d Adam stopped speaking as his mind wandered to thoughts of his step-mother, remembering how she had taken him into her heart at first meeting, and how he had come to love her as she had sat with him in the evenings while he had recuperated and his father had worked.<\/p>\n

\u201cAdam?\u201d Emily asked as his silence continued. \u201cSo why are you short of breath?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh, sorry,\u201d he said as he blushed, \u201cGot sidetracked there for a minute\u2026 Let\u2019s see, where was I?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou were explaining how your heart makes you winded.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s right\u2026 Heart valves are responsible for pushing the blood out of your heart; a marvel of engineering. When these valves don\u2019t work well, it causes a backup that affects both the heart and the lungs. It\u2019s a simple engineering equation dealing with the back pressure caused by a faulty pump and valves. I understand it, but it doesn\u2019t make it any easier to breathe.\u201d Adam winked at Emily, hoping his comparison to mechanical workings would take some of the sting from what he was relaying.<\/p>\n

\u201cSo, what is Mark going to do about it? Do you have to take medicine?\u201d<\/p>\n

He took her hand. \u201cHere\u2019s the thing\u2026since they can\u2019t fix or replace the pump, the system is going to fail. That\u2019s what\u2019s inevitable\u2014from an engineering and human point of view.\u201d<\/p>\n

Emily\u2019s voice rose by half an octave. \u201cWe\u2019ll find someone else for you to see. There has to be something they can do.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam remained calm as he soothed, \u201cMark is the best there is, Emily; you know that. He\u2019s already checked with top men at Mayo and Johns Hopkins and there\u2019s little to do. There is a medicine I can take to make my heart beat more efficiently. It\u2019s derived from seeds and leaves of the Foxglove plant and may help\u2026briefly\u2026and Mark will keep me comfortable as it gets worse. But my heart is already enlarged\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat does this mean, Adam?\u201d Emily asked in a calm voice that belied the jumble of fear roiling in her mind at the moment. \u201cI made a promise when I accepted your proposal that I won\u2019t overreact to news like this, but I\u2019d like to know exactly what we\u2019re facing.\u201d<\/p>\n

His arm slipped around her shoulder, pulling her near. \u201cMark won\u2019t put a limit on my life, but I have limited time. He did say that if your love alone could keep me going, I\u2019d live forever, but since that isn\u2019t a possibility\u2026well\u2026I\u2019ll know when it\u2019s time.\u201d<\/p>\n

Emily cleared the look of agony from her face before looking up. When she could finally face him without fear of tears, she met Adam\u2019s gaze, kissed him and then wrapped her arms around him as she rested her head on his chest, listening to his heart beat. \u201cAnd what do we do until then?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWe live, Em. Death is ultimately the absence of life, so I won\u2019t waste the gift of life waiting to die.\u201d Adam smiled as he raised her chin, \u201cMark\u2019s advice is that I should enjoy myself, stay active, rest when I\u2019m tired, and laugh\u2014a lot\u2014or in other words, keep going just as we\u2019ve done all along.\u201d<\/p>\n

They remained nestled together for some time until Adam remembered what he was doing when Emily came home. \u201cWould you like to see what I was reading before our discussion?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIs it interesting enough for me to stop holding you?\u201d she asked as wrapped her arms more tightly around him.<\/p>\n

\u201cI think so. It\u2019s a letter and poem from Max Erhmann. He writes that he\u2019s been working on this since his visit with us, trying to incorporate some of the ideas we discussed that night he was here. It\u2019s not finished, but enough so that he would like our thoughts.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDoes it have a name yet?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDesiderata.\u201d<\/p>\n

Emily\u2019s interest was piqued. \u201cDesired things\u2026 What sort of things does our friend, Max, desire?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cMaybe you should read it.\u201d He handed her the letter as she sat up, \u201cGo placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender, be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly<\/em>.\u201d She continued to read silently, finally laying the papers on her lap as she smiled at her husband. \u201cIsn\u2019t that wonderful! What do\u00a0you<\/em>\u00a0have to say about it?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019d say that if someone were to remember my life that way, I would be very proud. He\u2019s communicated the essence of living with meaning and impact, while challenging us to approach our goals in a dignified manner.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI remember your conversation with Max that night, and he\u2019s done a beautiful job of weaving the thoughts you two shared into what I might call the poem of a principled man.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ll write him first thing tomorrow conveying our sincerest admiration.\u201d<\/p>\n

The silence lingered again as the couple sat in comfortable companionship. Emily was still reeling with the news, but resolved to make the most of the time they had left. From what Adam said, it seemed improbable that his health would improve, but then their meeting after 40 years, their instant attraction, rapid marriage and happy years together had been improbable too, and she hoped improbability would shower them again with another gift… time.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

In the Clear Light Of Day<\/strong><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Talking over the raw facts of Adam\u2019s condition the previous afternoon had been exhausting for both of them, and even though they knew there was much more to say, they\u2019d tabled the subject for the evening. But as they finished breakfast the next morning, Adam reached for Emily\u2019s hand, saying, \u201cThank you.\u201d<\/p>\n

Her brows knit together in confusion. \u201cYou\u2019re welcome, dear, but what are you thanking me for?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cFor the way you handled my news yesterday. I had anticipated tears and denial of the facts, but you remained so calm that I was able to say what I needed to in a way that kept me calm as well.\u201d<\/p>\n

She touched his face. \u201cI\u2019m afraid that what you saw on the outside didn\u2019t quite mirror the fit I was throwing on the inside, but I promise that I won\u2019t let\u00a0my<\/em>\u00a0fears make this harder for you. You seemed so reasoned and assured that I wouldn\u2019t allow myself to disturb that with an outburst.\u201d Leaning toward him, she kissed him deeply and breathed, \u201cNow that\u2019s the way to start a morning.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam laughed quietly as he remembered their first kiss and Emily\u2019s words that night. \u201cMy love, it\u2019s the way we\u2019ve ended and started every day since we\u2019ve been together, and I agree, it is wonderful.\u201d His voice became serious as a mild cramping in his chest prompted him to speak. \u00a0\u201cEmily, I have so much to say before…while I can.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWe\u2019ll have time, Adam. We\u2019ll make sure of that.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI know we will, but I can\u2019t wait to say this.\u201d He took both of her hands, bringing them to his lips before continuing, \u201cI\u2019ve never been good at expressing my emotions, so I\u2019ll borrow Victor Hugo\u2019s words: \u2018What a transfiguration it is to love.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n

Emily smiled as she recalled, \u201cFrom Les Miserables\u2026one of my favorite lines.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam continued, \u201cAt the time we met again, I was convinced that I could best deal with the loss I\u2019d experienced by refusing to think about the people I could only recall in pain. I thought that I\u2019d be fine if I focused on the present. I knew that my reluctance to let others into my life was cowardice\u2026but it worked\u2026until that evening I plucked you from the concrete, brought you home and listened as you spoke about love with such ferocity that I had to confront my faulty reasoning. As I allowed your warmth to penetrate the coldness that had frozen my life, I was transfigured, just as Hugo divined.<\/p>\n

He paused to arrange his thoughts. \u201cWhat I had to face as I allowed you into my heart was that the absence of pain was not bliss. By not experiencing the emotions in my life, I postponed my journey to peace and the return of joy. Now I know that we have to acknowledge the pain in loss before we can ever hope for healing, and not remembering those you\u2019ve loved diminishes them. You must remember this when you face what\u2019s to come.<\/p>\n

Emily rose, encircling Adam from behind as she brought her cheek to his. \u201cMy darling, Adam, I\u2019ve always believed that love is an open heart that confirms the truth of an open mind. When we met, you allowed your mind to confirm what your heart had always known.\u201d She kissed the top of his head. \u201cAnd I find Hugo\u2019s words appropriate too. I may have\u00a0loved<\/em>\u00a0you all those years, but you changed my illusions about love into a deep and wondrous reality. We each learned so much in those years of searching for the truth in our pain that we were able to complete our transformations into people who could love and trust again when we found each other. All I know is that I thank God every day for the potholes and skinned knees that brought a fine gentleman to my rescue.\u201d<\/p>\n

Her embrace tightened as she considered asking the question that had played in her mind as she\u2019d been unable to sleep. \u201cWould you be willing to answer a question about\u2026how you\u2019re feeling now\u2026?\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam interjected, \u201cOf course, Emily, don\u2019t ever be afraid to ask about what\u2019s happening. If I can\u2019t answer, I\u2019ll say so.\u201d<\/p>\n

She phrased the question in her mind before speaking. \u201cAre you truly as calm about your\u00a0mechanical malfunctions and failing engineering equations<\/em>\u00a0as you seem to be?\u201d<\/p>\n

He laughed at Emily\u2019s diagnosis and moved her to his lap. \u201cSome moments yes, but at other moments it\u2019s all a little overwhelming. I guess I\u2019ve suspected that something wasn\u2019t right, but it\u2019s always a shock to have a suspicion confirmed. It will help me immeasurably if you continue to react and respond as you did yesterday. I know there\u2019ll be times when you\u2019re afraid and angry, just as there will be for me. You\u2019re going to have opinions and I expect you\u2019ll tell me about them, and I won\u2019t always be so able to control my reactions, but we can resolve our feelings rationally and with dignity.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ll do whatever you need me to do.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI know you will.\u201d Adam rested his head on Emily\u2019s shoulder and sighed. \u201cPeople facing death often say that they wouldn\u2019t have done anything differently. I thought a lot about that last night, and I agree\u2014mostly. There\u2019s much I wouldn\u2019t change, yet there are things I wish I could do over\u2026do a better job with if given the chance. Yet in the end, my conclusion is that those experiences would probably turn out the same no matter how much we might vary the circumstances or our actions\u2026simply because they were meant to happen just as they did. I\u2019ve made mistakes but I\u2019ve done a lot of penance too, so perhaps that might equalize things in the end.\u201d<\/p>\n

He looked up to check Emily\u2019s response, and was reassured by her smile. \u201cI really would hope to be remembered as Max has written. I always tried to speak my truth without bellowing, listened to all men and gave people the benefit of the doubt until they proved unworthy of it. Overall, I feel that my life unfolded as it was meant to\u2026both good times and bad, and I think that I accepted what happened to me with as much dignity as I could muster at the given time.\u201d<\/p>\n

Emily spoke without moving. \u201cI\u2019m sure that\u2019s true.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cMy conclusion is that I have so much to be thankful for that I can\u2019t spend time in regret for what I did wrong or left undone. I\u2019ll have to be satisfied that I did the best I could and face my failures when it\u2019s time to make my accounting.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

1934: Memories of the Man She Loved<\/strong><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The high ceilings and marble floors of Union Station in Washington D.C. exaggerated the sounds of people making their way to the track exits and having conversations as they waited for their trains. Yet Emily seemed unaffected by the commotion as she remained lost in her memories while awaiting her departure to San Francisco.<\/p>\n

She\u2019d come East after being invited to attend a Johns Hopkins School of Engineering tribute to those who had advanced that field of study. The men honored were considered the standard bearers who guided the direction of engineering science for decades.<\/p>\n

Emily was reading an article in the program from the event that noted her husband\u2019s achievements as one of the first to stand for a PhD from the university, followed by an illustrious career teaching at Harvard and Berkeley, as well as having a prominent private practice. As she read, her hand moved to caress a platinum heart pendant suspended from her neck by a thin, shimmering chain. The gesture was instinctual\u2014something she did whenever she thought of Adam. It had been 16 years since his earthly struggles had ended, and holding the simple piece of jewelry had become her way of reconnecting to the man who had given it to her shortly before his passing.<\/p>\n

As she held the heart this time, her thoughts drifted again to the day Adam gave her the necklace, and a smile brushed her lips with the remembrance. As the Johns Hopkins article noted, her husband was a respected professor and accomplished engineer, but on the night he\u2019d given her this gift, he\u2019d been as excited as a young schoolboy with something up his sleeve.<\/p>\n

***<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

As happened from time to time in those last weeks, Adam enjoyed a day relatively free of symptoms, and insisted they dine at Caf\u00e9 Dubay. Emily remembered the candlelight reflecting in her husband\u2019s eyes and the familiar dimples forming at the corners of his mouth as he smiled at her from across \u201ctheir\u201d table, making her wonder what he was up to. After Andre finished fussing over them and took their order, Adam pulled a small box from his pocket as he explained through a sly grin, \u201cThe last time I tried to tell you how I felt about you in this restaurant, you ended up leaving in tears, and I realized that I was a little unclear in my purpose.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cA little unclear? I left thinking you didn\u2019t want me around anymore,\u201d she replied with a wink.<\/p>\n

\u201cI know, I know\u2026 I got that whole evening off to a bad start, but tonight, I want a second chance to do it right.\u201d He placed the box in front of her, and when she took too long looking it over and commenting on the beautiful bow, he finally rolled his eyes and said, \u201cThe box is not the gift, Em, open it.<\/p>\n

She lifted the lid to find a platinum heart nestled on a pillow of white satin. It struck her that although her husband often claimed that he was not a \u201cromantic\u201d person, this gift was a complete repudiation of that. The shape of the necklace told her that he understood her completely since her first expression of love for him was drawn inside a heart in her school notebook. She was intrigued even further when Adam reached to touch her hand, saying, \u201cTurn it over.\u201d Doing so, she found the engraving of, A.C. Loves E.C., and she immediately started to cry.<\/p>\n

Adam\u2019s face registered his confusion\u2014the same look he\u2019d worn 10 years earlier when his proposal had gone awry. \u201cWhat\u2019s wrong, Emily. Don\u2019t you like it?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s absolutely perfect,\u201d she managed to whisper.<\/p>\n

\u201cI wanted to give you something with meaning to help you remember that I love you with my whole heart even after I\u2019m no longer around to say it myself.\u201d<\/p>\n

He rose, coming around the table to help her get it fastened. She leaned forward so he could see the clasp, and after securing it, he bent down with the intent to kiss her\u2026just as she sat upright\u2026 As he rubbed his bruised cheek, he leaned toward her ear, purring. \u201cMy dearest Emily, you are the only woman who\u2019s ever been able to knock any sense into me\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

***<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cAunt Emily?\u201d<\/p>\n

Emily shook off her memories to smile up at her niece, Sara. \u201cHello, dear, I didn\u2019t realize you\u2019d come back.\u201d<\/p>\n

Sara returned her aunt\u2019s smile. \u201cI presume you were thinking of Uncle Adam?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAm I so obvious?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ve lived with you 14 years, and every time you think about Uncle Adam, you hold your necklace, just as you\u2019re doing now.\u201d She laughed softly. \u201cSo yes, you are that obvious, but I think it\u2019s lovely.\u201d<\/p>\n

Sara was one of Little Joe and June\u2019s granddaughters: the one who once questioned Emily about what it was like to be a lawyer. As she\u2019d grown up she\u2019d gone to a teaching college, but after a few years in the classroom had realized it was not her avocation. After Adam passed away, she approached Emily about coming to San Francisco to study law at Berkeley. She decided to stay in the area after completing her studies, joining her aunt\u2019s law practice, while continuing to live with her as well. Emily was in her 70s, and although she neither looked nor felt that old and surely didn\u2019t need a caregiver, she was grateful for the young woman\u2019s companionship, and loved her deeply.<\/p>\n

The two women had traveled to Baltimore for the ceremony at Johns Hopkins, and then had attended a conference for women lawyers in D.C.<\/p>\n

The law firm of Cartwright and Cartwright was holding its own in the fifth year of the depression that had hit the country hard. Emily and Sara had actually seen an increase in their business as they\u2019d handled multiple bankruptcies after the crash of \u201829, and sadly, they\u2019d settled a number of shambled estates following the deaths of men who had been unable to face the loss of their wealth and possessions. The downside of this was that while business had increased, remuneration had not kept the same pace. Yet careful planning and wise decisions were keeping them afloat.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Emily glanced toward the large wall clock across from them, commenting, \u201cOh dear, I really was lost in my thought. It\u2019s already 2:30 and we\u2019re scheduled to leave at 3. Were you able to find out if our train is on time?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cUnfortunately it\u2019s more than an hour behind already, and hasn\u2019t even reached Baltimore, so it will probably be delayed further.\u201d Sara sat next to Emily, taking the Johns Hopkins program from her aunt\u2019s lap. \u201cI was going to mention this earlier, but I never saw Uncle Adam with his beard trimmed like that. He looks like a Shakespearian actor. I like it.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI do love that photograph,\u201d Emily replied through a sly grin. \u201cThe beard does lend him a rakish quality. I think it was taken about the time he finished his studies in Baltimore, and I didn\u2019t meet him again for several more years. So…unfortunately\u2026I never got to see him looking that way either.<\/p>\n

Sara continued to look through the article. \u201cI don\u2019t know why it surprises me to read these things about my uncle. I know he was smart, but I think I remember him most for his kindness. I never actually met him until he visited with you when Uncle Joe got married, but Uncle Adam wrote wonderful letters to each of us on our birthdays and at Christmas. He always seemed to know exactly what we were doing and what sort of things we liked. We all waited for those letters because they made us each feel special.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHe was a remarkable man,\u201d Emily sighed, \u201cAnd made me feel pretty special too.\u201d<\/p>\n

Sara added, \u201cAll four of them\u2014Great Grandpa Ben, Uncles Hoss, Uncle Adam and Grandpa Joe\u2014were remarkable, weren\u2019t they? \u00a0I feel so blessed to be part of that heritage.\u201d<\/p>\n

Emily wrapped her arm around Sara\u2019s shoulder, pulling her near. \u201cYour grandmother once said that each of them was incredibly gifted, but that their greatest gift was to have one another.\u201d She felt her niece shiver, and asked, \u201cAre you cold, child? Where\u2019s your coat?\u201d<\/p>\n

The young woman turned to face her aunt more fully. \u201cI\u2019m not cold. I was just remembering the day when you brought Uncle Adam home to the Ponderosa. We all gathered by the lake and you held his box of ashes up as my father prayed. Do you remember what happened?\u201d<\/p>\n

Now Emily shivered as she found herself looking upward as they all had that day. \u201cThere was that gust of wind that seemed to swirl around us, and then spiraled upward again, taking some of Adam\u2019s ashes into the air where they shimmered in the sun and finally disappeared.\u201d<\/p>\n

Sara\u2019s voice was reverent. \u201cIt was the most wonderful thing I\u2019ve ever seen. It felt like a breath of Heaven came down to welcome Uncle Adam home.\u201d Her voice became a whisper. \u201cI know they were all there that day, Aunt Emily. I felt their love.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI know, child, I felt it too.”<\/p>\n

After a prolonged silence, Sara returned the brochure to her aunt\u2019s lap, and brushed away a tear as she changed the subject, \u201cIt seems that we have some time before we leave, so why don\u2019t we go for a cup of tea. I saw a few of the women from the conference while I was checking on our train and they said we should meet them at the restaurant.\u201d<\/p>\n

Patting the young woman\u2019s hands, Emily replied, \u201cYou go ahead, Sara. I need to finish some thank you notes and it will be good to do them here instead of trying to write on a moving train.\u201d After reassuring her niece that she was fine with remaining alone and in fact preferred a bit of quiet after the rush of the last few days, Emily sent Sara away to join the others and turned back to the article about Adam.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The Circle of Life Goes Once More \u2018Round<\/strong><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Emily had just found where she\u2019d left off reading in the Johns Hopkins\u2019 program when something hit the back of her shoes and lodged between her heels. A devilish grin crossed her face as she entrapped the ball between her feet, knowing exactly what was there because she noted a youngster playing with it earlier. The ball had rolled from under her bench and away down the glossy marble floor a number of times already, and had been chased down by a boy Emily had figured to be around six-years-old. She had yet to see his face, but had seen his tweed knickers, jacket and matching hat fly by at regular intervals as he\u2019d retrieved it. In fact she had almost said something to him when he had thrown the soft rubber ball against the back of her bench. She\u2019d been trying to write her notes, but each time the ball rebounded against the wood, her pen would push into the paper leaving a small blotch of ink. To be on the safe side, she\u2019d put the writing aside and had started to read the article about Adam instead.<\/p>\n

The child\u2019s mother had told him to stop throwing his ball against the furniture, and he\u2019d gone to sit with her during the time Emily\u2019s thought had drifted away to the past. But he started to play again after Sara left, this time throwing the ball into the air. Apparently he could throw better than catch, so the ball had bounded away most times. But after it was stopped by her feet, Emily saw him run to the area he expected it to have gone.\u00a0 Not finding it, he retraced his steps, looking for where it might have traveled; finally ending up behind where she was seated. She was surprised when the child\u2019s head emerged from under her bench, and had to catch her breath as he turned to look up at her. His eyes were deep hazel with golden flecks, his hair, curly and dark; and when he smiled at her, subtle dimples formed at the corners of his lips, just as Emily suspected they might.<\/p>\n

With a soft southern drawl, he stated, \u201cMa\u2019am, I think my ball is stuck between your shoes. Could I have it, please?\u201d<\/p>\n

Emily realized that the ball wasn\u2019t the only thing that was stuck. She wasn\u2019t even sure why she\u2019d trapped the thing, but looking at this youngster, she was glad she had. Yet, now she had to come up with a reason for it being where it was. A blush crept into her cheeks as she reached down to retrieve it. \u201cYou would make a very good detective. After the ball lodged between my feet, I thought I\u2019d see how long it would take you to figure out where it had gone. You solved the mystery very quickly.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI did?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, you did. You must be good at solving puzzles.\u201d Emily smiled as the child shrugged, and then reached out his hand.<\/p>\n

\u201cCan I have it back now, ma\u2019am. I\u2019m not supposed to talk to people I don\u2019t know.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWell that\u2019s easily corrected, I\u2019m Emily Cartwright.\u201d The boy took her extended hand, giving a gentle shake.<\/p>\n

\u201cPleased to meet you\u2026ah\u2026what\u2019s the other part of your name, ma\u2019am?\u201d he asked as his lips puckered in thought.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m not sure what you mean by my \u2018other\u2019 name. My middle name is Miranda.\u201d<\/p>\n

The boy shifted his weight onto one leg, leaning into himself as he crossed his arms and explained, \u201cNo, not your middle name, your\u00a0other<\/em>\u00a0name. My mama always says I have to call old people\u00a0 by their \u2018proper\u2019 name\u2026like my Sunday school teacher\u2026I have to call her\u00a0Mrs<\/em>. Bradley; she\u2019s old too.\u201d<\/p>\n

Trying to restrain her smile at the child\u2019s honesty, Emily responded, \u201cYour mother is teaching you very good manners. I\u2019m\u00a0Mrs<\/em>. Cartwright, and what might I call you?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cMy name is\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

Before the boy could say it, Emily heard his mother call out, \u201cSon come away from there. I don\u2019t want you to bother the lady.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m not bothering her, Mama! I know her. She\u2019s Mrs. Cartwright!\u201d<\/p>\n

Emily chimed in quickly, not wanting him to leave just yet, \u201cI assure you he\u2019s not bothering me. We\u2019re old friends already, and if you don\u2019t mind, I\u2019d like to talk with your son a little longer.\u201d<\/p>\n

The woman smiled as she laughed. \u201cThat\u2019s fine, but be aware that he has lots of opinions and can talk your ears off, so don\u2019t be afraid to tell him to go when you\u2019ve had enough.\u201d<\/p>\n

The boy leaned in close so Emily could hear him without raising his voice. \u201cDon\u2019t worry about your ears really falling off. My mama says that all the time, but it ain\u2019t never happened and I don\u2019t reckon it will. She\u2019s just teasing.\u201d<\/p>\n

Emily responded, adopting a very serious look and equally quiet voice. \u201cThanks for telling me.\u201d<\/p>\n

After stowing the ball in his pocket, the child sat next to Emily on the bench and asked, \u201cSo what are we gonna talk about?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHmm,\u201d Emily\u2019s face scrunched in visible thought. \u201cWhy don\u2019t I start by telling you that I live in San Francisco.\u201d<\/p>\n

He scoffed, \u201cThat must be even smaller than where I\u2019m from \u2018cuz I never even heard of it.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s a big city, but on the other side of the country\u2014in California. You\u2019ve heard of that haven\u2019t you?\u201d After receiving his nod, she continued, \u201cI\u2019m guessing you aren\u2019t from Washington D.C. The way you talk tells me you\u2019re from a little south of here.\u201d<\/p>\n

The boy was on his feet with a hurt look punctuating his response. \u201cWhat\u2019s wrong with the way I talk? Everyone says I talk really good.\u201d<\/p>\n

Emily touched his cheek to soothe him. \u201cI\u2019m sorry, I didn\u2019t mean there was anything wrong with the way you speak, just that you have a drawl. People from different parts of the country speak a little differently.\u00a0 You can tell that someone lives in Boston just from the way they sound, and people from Texas have a drawl that\u2019s much stronger than yours. From your inflection, I bet you\u2019re from Georgia.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYup. We came here to visit one of my mama\u2019s friends and see the cherry trees.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh, that must have been fun! I saw some of those trees in blossom too. What did you think of them?\u201d<\/p>\n

Quickly removing his jacket, he worked on the wrist button of shirt and finally exposed his arm to show Emily a large red welt. \u201cI liked the way they looked just fine but I think they made me sneeze. And when I grabbed at a blossom to smell it, a bee crawled up my sleeve and stung me!<\/p>\n

\u201cOh, let me see that.\u201d Emily clucked as she inspected the sting with care. \u201cIt doesn\u2019t sound like it was a good experience for you, but I suppose you learned that you need to be very careful around bees.\u201d She finished by smoothing his cuff, then redid the button and helped him back into his jacket.<\/p>\n

\u201cI learned more than that. Mama said I shouldn\u2019t ever grab at nothin\u2019 lest I know how bad it can hurt me first.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAh,\u201d Emily nodded her approval, \u201cGood words to live by.\u201d<\/p>\n

Properly dressed again, he snuggled next to Emily on the bench, trying to get a look at what she was reading. \u201cWho\u2019s that?\u201d he asked, pointing to the photo of Adam.<\/p>\n

\u201cMy husband.\u201d<\/p>\n

He looked more closely at the picture, then up at Emily and back to the picture again. \u201cYou\u2019re married to him? He looks a lot younger than you, Mrs. Cartwright.\u201d<\/p>\n

She laughed openly, hugging the youngster. \u201cYou do speak the truth, don\u2019t you? That\u2019s a picture of my husband from many years ago.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou think he\u2019ll get back here before I have to leave? I wanna see his beard. He kinda looks like those guys in the movies\u2014maybe like a pirate or a bad guy cowboy.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI always thought he could have played the part of a king.\u201d<\/p>\n

The child squinted at the picture again. \u201cNo. Definitely a pirate or a bad cowboy.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, he was a cowboy when he was very young. But he was never a bad one.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWow!\u201d His eyes rounded into circles of boyish admiration. \u201cI sure hope he gets back here soon. I never met a real cowboy\u2026good or bad. Maybe we could go find him. D\u2019ya know where he went?\u201d<\/p>\n

Emily sighed as she considered how to explain her husband\u2019s absence to a young child. \u201cHe\u2019s not here any longer, son, he passed on.\u201d<\/p>\n

The child\u2019s shoulders slumped as he looked down. When he faced Emily again, his eyelashes were dewy with his forming tears. \u201cMy friend passed too. He used to come over and play with me at our house, and then his heart got sick and he died. I miss him, but Mama says he\u2019s in heaven now so I shouldn\u2019t cry.\u201d He swiped at his eyes with his sleeve to remove the remaining evidence of his sadness, then smiled broadly, \u201cHey, maybe my friend is with your husband!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThat would be very nice. Maybe they\u2019re both looking down on us right now\u2026\u201d Emily glanced over at the child\u2019s mother and noticed that she was beginning to gather their things together. Realizing her time with the child was ending, she remembered her unanswered question. \u201cSay, you still haven\u2019t told me your name.\u201d<\/p>\n

Their conversation was interrupted by the announcement telling passengers of a train ready for boarding to Atlanta. The child\u2019s mother came to retrieve him. \u201cThat\u2019s our train, Sugar. We have to go now. Say goodbye.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cGoodbye, Mrs. Cartwright. It was nice talkin\u2019 to you. I still wish I could\u2019a met your husband.\u201d<\/p>\n

Emily took his hand as he rose. \u201cI\u2019m pretty sure he would have enjoyed meeting you too. Always remember what you told me: make sure nothing can sting you before you grab at it.\u201d<\/p>\n

His eyes pinched together as he thought, \u201cYeah, but you know, sometimes you just gotta grab anyway. The sting doesn\u2019t hurt so much no more.\u201d<\/p>\n

After a hurried goodbye, his mother gathered their suitcase and satchel and moved rapidly toward the door. The child turned back to wave at Emily as the crowd began to swallow him up.<\/p>\n

Emily\u2019s heart broke as she returned the wave, \u201cWait,\u201d she called after him, \u201cWhat\u2019s your name?\u201d<\/p>\n

He pulled free of his mother to escape the crowd and shout back at her but the noise in the station made it impossible for Emily to hear what he said. But just as she thought she might never know, she heard the panicked cry of a mother who fears she has lost her child. There was no mistaking the name she shrieked: \u201cPernell!\u201d Finding him standing at the edge of group, his mother first wrapped him in a hug, and then cuffed his ear, as she tugged him toward the door. Still using her adrenaline-fueled voice, she told the child, \u201cYou just wait \u2018til we get home to Waycross. Your daddy\u2019s going to have a talk with you about running off!\u201d<\/p>\n

Emily smiled, hoping that young Pernell would always remember that life was worth grabbing at; even if he got stung from time to time.<\/p>\n

Sara returned as Emily watched the last of the passengers exit the door for the Atlanta train. Laying her hand on Emily\u2019s shoulder, she commented, \u201cDid you know that little boy, Aunt Emily?\u201d<\/p>\n

Emily turned to greet her niece with a wistful smile. \u201cYes\u2026I think I did.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The End.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

**Psalm 145:1,11<\/em><\/p>\n

Story Notes:<\/em><\/p>\n

In Adam\u2019s journeys I noted a few things I\u2019d like to reference.<\/em><\/p>\n

Being from the Milwaukee area, I had to put Adam on a Harley Davidson motorcycle, even if in my time frame it had to be the first one sold. It was probably a menace to drive, but did promise to do 60 MPH on a flat stretch.<\/em><\/p>\n

The trip to Grand Canyon.<\/em><\/p>\n

Charles Wittlesee was a young architect who worked for the AT&SF railroad, designing the Harvey House Hotels. He lived in Los Angeles during that time, but moved to San Francisco to help in the earth quake reconstruction. Adam\u2019s story in the man\u2019s life is of course, fictional, but I tend to think he had to have had mentors, and I made Adam one of them.<\/em><\/p>\n

El Tovar, on the Grand Canyon rim was designed by Wittlesee, and still stands today just as Adam predicted it would. The railroad still runs from Williams, AZ to Grand Canyon, AZ and delivers people daily to be shuttled up the hill to El Tovar. The welcome center does resemble the lines of the Ponderosa house and the inside is heavily beamed, with massive fireplaces and log and mortar construction.<\/em><\/p>\n

The mules still take visitors down the canyon trails, and are well strapped to make sure their saddles don\u2019t slip, just as Adam was relieved to see. The mule trip was too expensive for us, but we watched as other groups left and returned, wishing we could follow in the footsteps of those who have done it for over 100 years. The wording that Emily quotes from Mr. Harvey about the mule trip being neither as dangerous nor as steep as people remember, was taken directly from an early brochure from the hotel.<\/em><\/p>\n

I was able to hike the trail I reference Adam and Emily taking on the last day and did stand there overlooking El Tovar in the distance. However, it was my husband having trouble with the height, not me!<\/em><\/p>\n

***<\/em><\/p>\n

Max Erhmann wrote one of Pernell Roberts favorite poems, Desiderata. Erhmann was a lawyer who attended Harvard when he turned to writing. He traveled extensively and spoke to groups just as he does in the story. I always felt that Mr. Roberts was very much the person that Max Erhmann described in his poem and felt maybe someone like Adam inspired him.<\/em><\/p>\n

***<\/em><\/p>\n

And finally, the child in the last chapter is of course, Pernell Roberts. He would have been 6 at the time and certainly might have gone up to Washington with his mother. I based Emily\u2019s conversation with him on those I have with my grandchildren, who are always truthful.<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Disclaimer:\u00a0All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\n

<\/div>\n

<\/g><\/svg><\/i> \"Loading\"<\/p>\n

<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Summary: \u00a0\u00a0I’ve always wondered how Adam’s life would turn out after he left the Ponderosa. This story takes a look at the later years of his life. He’s\u00a0had a distinguished career as an educator, philanthropist and\u00a0businessman, and is “comfortable” with where he is and not looking for more. That changes when he sees a woman fall on the sidewalk in front of him and finds out that 40 years ago, she was\u00a0his student in Virginia City. While getting to know her again, he comes to realize many things about himself – in particular – that\u00a0being in\u00a0love again\u00a0is wonderful…but never easy.<\/p>\n

Rated:\u00a0K \u00a047,000 words<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":82,"featured_media":13274,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"template-full-width-post.php","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[1005,7,23,698],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-6487","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-adam-cartwright","category-a-u","category-drama","category-post-timeline","wpcat-1005-id","wpcat-7-id","wpcat-23-id","wpcat-698-id"],"a3_pvc":{"activated":true,"total_views":2420,"today_views":1},"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/08\/Abigail.jpg?fit=510%2C680&ssl=1","jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":12952,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=12952","url_meta":{"origin":6487,"position":0},"title":"What We Didn’t Choose (by BluewindFarm)","author":"BluewindFarm","date":"May 18, 2016","format":false,"excerpt":"Summary: \u00a0Exploring -- what makes you who you are?\u00a0 Rating:\u00a0 K\u00a0 (650 words)","rel":"","context":"In "Drama"","block_context":{"text":"Drama","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?cat=23"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/09\/Didnt-pay-to-be-Ben.jpg?fit=467%2C341&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":46049,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=46049","url_meta":{"origin":6487,"position":1},"title":"Letters and Lessons (by BettyHT)","author":"BettyHT","date":"October 9, 2020","format":false,"excerpt":"Summary: In this prequel story, Little Joe is growing up, and one thing Ben strives to teach him is empathy and the importance of family.\u00a0 Rating: PG\u00a0\u00a0 Word count: 1.048","rel":"","context":"In "Ben \/ Joe"","block_context":{"text":"Ben \/ Joe","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?cat=1015"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/06\/saddles.jpg?fit=553%2C600&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/06\/saddles.jpg?fit=553%2C600&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/06\/saddles.jpg?fit=553%2C600&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x"},"classes":[]},{"id":29106,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=29106","url_meta":{"origin":6487,"position":2},"title":"The Making of a Man (by KateP)","author":"KateP","date":"February 28, 2005","format":false,"excerpt":"Summary:\u00a0 Joe realizes he has to grow up. 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