Summary: Alone on the set of the Bonanza reunion, Michael Landon and Lorne Greene encounter a sniper who wants to kill a Cartwright. Now they’ll have to summon their inner Pa and Little Joe to survive. Rating T, WC 6226<\/p>\n
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To Kill a Cartwright<\/strong><\/p>\n It was the first of April in 1980 when filming began at Culver City Studios for Michael Landon\u2019s Production Company.\u00a0 They were only into the third day of filming of the new TV movie titled, \u201cBonanza–The Return\u201d.\u00a0 After a great deal of persuading, Michael Landon was able to finally get his former partner, Lorne Greene, to sign on and revise his popular role as Ben Cartwright owner of the Ponderosa Ranch.\u00a0 It had been over eight years since the two of them had worked actively on a project together since the fourteen year run of the Bonanza series.\u00a0 With the help of a good dose of medium ash brown hair coloring, Mike fit right back into his role as Little Joe Cartwright, Ben Cartwright\u2019s youngest son.\u00a0 Lorne still looked much as he had on the Bonanza series, the white as snow hair and the long sideburns were still his trademark.\u00a0 He had been busy with his own production company at the time, but agreed to join back up with Mike in order to appease the man he had come to regard as a son in real life.<\/p>\n Michael Landon was a known workaholic.\u00a0 He got along very well with his crew as they had all worked together on his series \u201cLittle House on the Prairie\u201d.\u00a0 Some had even come over from the old Bonanza series, so they were well aware of the way Mike strove for perfection in all he did.\u00a0 They also knew that he was a bit odd at times.\u00a0 From practical jokes to sudden bouts of moodiness the crew had seen it all.\u00a0 So, when the word was sent out that evening for everyone to call it a day even though there were other scenes that still needed to be shot, no-one argued with the boss.<\/p>\n *************<\/p>\n Lorne Greene looked over at his friend and shook his head amused.\u00a0 Mike had been rapidly scribbling notes down on anything he could get his hands on.\u00a0 He seemed to be in another world.\u00a0 Finally, Lorne threw his script down on top of Mike\u2019s left hand.<\/p>\n \u201cWhat did you do that for?\u201d Mike asked annoyed to have lost his train of thought.<\/p>\n \u201cYou sent everyone home, Boss, how about me?\u00a0 Do I have to beg?\u201d\u00a0 Lorne laughed.<\/p>\n \u201cWait just a second, Lorne,\u201d Mike paused and looked quickly around the studio.\u00a0 He checked to make sure there were no stragglers anywhere around.\u00a0 Deciding that they were truly alone he walked back over to the set and sat down opposite Lorne.<\/p>\n \u201cOkay–now I can tell you what\u2019s going on,\u201d Mike announced cryptically.<\/p>\n Lorne stared over at Mike his eyebrows raised in wonderment. \u201cOkay, Mike–so what\u2019s the big secret?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThere\u2019s been some leaks about the script, Lorne.\u00a0 There must be someone from the National Enquirer around or something.\u00a0 So, I\u2019ve done some changes,\u201d Mike handed Lorne some new pages of script for him to look over.<\/p>\n \u201cMike, we are making a TV movie–not planning the invasion at Normandy!\u201d\u00a0 He laughed and started to look at the script.\u00a0 \u201cNot more lines!\u00a0 I just finished learning the last script!\u201d Lorne protested the extra work involved.<\/p>\n \u201cHey–you don\u2019t hear me complaining, do you?\u201d \u00a0Mike asked upset.<\/p>\n \u201cWhy should you complain, Michael–for God\u2019s sake YOU<\/strong> wrote the damn thing–you don\u2019t have to learn your lines!\u201d\u00a0 Lorne fumed, sometimes Mike really got on his nerves.<\/p>\n \u201cIt\u2019ll be okay, Lorne.\u00a0 We can rehearse tonight.\u00a0 I\u2019ve sent everyone away so we\u2019ve got all night.\u201d\u00a0 Mike tried to win back his friend\u2019s affection.<\/p>\n \u201cAll night?\u00a0 That\u2019s good for you–you sleep what?\u00a0 Four hours a night?\u00a0 I happen to need my sleep.\u00a0 I knew I shouldn\u2019t have caved in to do this movie.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cOh–please, Pa?\u201d\u00a0 Mike turned his hazel eyes on Lorne and fell back into his Little Joe imitation.<\/p>\n \u201cFourteen years I fell for that, Michael–but you know you aren\u2019t quite as cute as you use to be?\u201d\u00a0 Lorne finally broke out into a grin when he saw how what he said seemed to injure the other man\u2019s ego.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m not?\u201d\u00a0 Mike asked weakly.<\/p>\n \u201cLet\u2019s read the stupid script,\u201d Lorne sighed and changed the subject.\u00a0 He looked over his parts and then looked back up at Michael.\u00a0 \u201cOh, I see you suffer another tragic injury. What a surprise!\u201d\u00a0 Lorne exclaimed sarcastically.<\/p>\n \u201cOh, Lorne, you know the audience loves that stuff–the long-suffering Joe and all.\u201d<\/p>\n Lorne skimmed the next page and then looked up at Mike again.\u00a0 \u201cI was waiting for this.\u00a0 How unique! *** Ben sat at his son\u2019s bedside stroking his left arm and praying that the boy would come around.\u00a0 His heart ached for his son and for all that he had gone through.\u00a0 Pa\u2019s hand reaches for Joe\u2019s forehead and pushes aside a stray curl***<\/em><\/strong> Lorne shook his head again.\u00a0 \u201cMichael, do you know how many scenes I\u2019ve done like that?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cOldie but goodie!\u201d Mike laughed and leaned back on the settee.\u00a0 He rested his feet on the coffee table and looked over his own lines.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m not going to say it,\u201d Lorne stated flatly looking at the placement of Mike\u2019s feet.<\/p>\n \u201cYou have to, Lorne–it\u2019s on page seven,\u201d Mike grinned.<\/p>\n With a deep sigh, Lorne caved in again and said, \u201cJoseph, how many times do I have to tell you to take your feet off of the table!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYou\u2019ve still got it, Lorne!\u201d\u00a0 Mike laughed and took his feet down.<\/p>\n Suddenly, without any warning the lights in the studio went off.\u00a0 Only the red utility lights by the stage door were left.\u00a0 Lorne and Mike looked at each other surprised.<\/p>\n \u201cWhat–did you forget to pay the light bill, Mike?\u201d\u00a0 Lorne joked.<\/p>\n \u201cThat\u2019s awful strange–the backup generator should have come on,\u201d Mike said and started to walk over to one of the exit doors.\u00a0 From out of nowhere a gun shot rang out, reverberating throughout the sound stage.\u00a0 Mike dove back over the settee and pulled Lorne to the ground with him.<\/p>\n \u201cWhat in the hell is going on?\u201d\u00a0 Mike whispered as he and Lorne crouched down.<\/p>\n \u201cWell, it would appear that someone is shooting at us,\u201d Lorne replied showing more anger than fear in his voice.<\/p>\n \u201cDamn–wonder why?\u201d\u00a0 Mike cursed and stuck his head up to try and spot the assailant.<\/p>\n Just then another shot rang out and barely missed its target, Michael Landon.\u00a0 Lorne yanked Mike\u2019s arm bringing him down to the floor.<\/p>\n \u201cThis is real life now, Mike!\u00a0 Those are not blanks, stick your head up like that again and there will be no sequel,\u201d Lorne chastised his friend.<\/p>\n \u201cWhat do you want?\u201d\u00a0 Mike yelled out to the gunman.\u00a0 \u201cWhy are you doing this?\u201d<\/p>\n From what seemed like far away came the gunman\u2019s reply.<\/p>\n \u201cI am going to kill the Cartwrights once and for all!\u201d<\/p>\n Mike and Lorne exchanged confused glances, evidently the hidden sniper believed they were in real life Pa and Joe Cartwright.<\/p>\n \u201cOh the guy is a real nut case!\u201d\u00a0 Mike responded to the man\u2019s statement.<\/p>\n \u201cHe thinks we are really the Cartwrights,\u201d Lorne whispered confounded.<\/p>\n Mike stared over at his friend.\u00a0 There was the trademark shirt, vest, all that made Lorne into Ben Cartwright.\u00a0 \u201cYou know, Lorne,\u201d Mike paused and cracked a smile.\u00a0 \u201cYou do look like a Cartwright!\u201d<\/p>\n Lorne sighed, Mike always chose the worst times to make jokes, this was no exception.<\/p>\n \u201cI wouldn\u2019t talk, Little Joe.\u00a0 The green jacket–I believe it is corduroy right?\u00a0 And the same shirt and pants,\u201d Lorne nodded.\u00a0 Mike frowned.\u00a0 It was true.\u00a0 If the man had been dead set on killing the Cartwrights, he picked a very opportune time to do it.<\/p>\n \u201cListen.\u201d\u00a0 Mike whispered to Lorne.\u00a0 \u201cIt sounds like he is up on the catwalk,\u201d Mike strained his ears to hear which direction the man was going.<\/p>\n \u201cThat gives him a great advantage now doesn\u2019t it?\u201d\u00a0 Lorne stated getting more irritated. \u201cHey–what about the night watchman?\u00a0 Surely he heard the gunshot and called the police.\u201d<\/p>\n Mike\u2019s face flushed in embarrassment.\u00a0 \u201cUm–Lorne–I paid him to leave.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWell, that was pretty stupid wasn\u2019t it?\u201d\u00a0 Lorne responded staring into the hazel eyes.<\/p>\n \u201cHey–you never know who is working for the tabloids!\u00a0 I didn\u2019t want to take any chances.\u00a0 You know we want this sequel to be a surprise!\u201d\u00a0 Mike protested.<\/p>\n \u201cMichael–there isn\u2019t going to be a sequel!\u00a0 We are going to be found dead tomorrow.\u00a0 Then, those tabloids that you are so worried about will have a field day.\u00a0 I can see it now.\u00a0 The two dead bodies of both Lorne Greene, actor, and Michael Landon, actor slash, writer slash, director slash, producer slash, victim were found today on the set of the old Bonanza TV series.\u00a0 Dressed in their familiar Pa and Little Joe wardrobe the two men died together.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWith their boots on.\u00a0 Don\u2019t forget that part,\u201d Mike laughed at Lorne\u2019s recital.\u00a0 Another round of gunfire brought them back to their senses.<\/p>\n \u201cC\u2019mon!\u00a0 You Cartwrights gonna just sit there or do something?\u201d\u00a0 The sniper yelled.<\/p>\n Mike looked at Lorne and asked, \u201cYou got a white flag on you?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYou are a Cartwright for God\u2019s sake–you can\u2019t surrender!\u201d\u00a0 Lorne argued.<\/p>\n \u201cOkay, Pa–and you suggest what?\u00a0 We rush him?\u00a0 Like in episode twenty-three?\u00a0 That almost got Adam killed remember?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cHe lived.\u201d\u00a0 Lorne corrected thinking back on the plot line.<\/p>\n \u201cWe always live, remember?\u201d\u00a0 Mike grinned at the thought of the indestructible Cartwrights.<\/p>\n \u201cThat\u2019s because they were using blanks, Mike.\u00a0 Need I remind you this is real life and those are indeed real bullets?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWell, he has already fired three shots.\u00a0 Only has three more, right?”<\/p>\n Lorne stared at Mike totally bewildered by what he had said.\u00a0 \u201cMichael, snap out of it will you?\u00a0 You have been writing these westerns much too long.\u00a0 That maniac up there has an automatic weapon not a Colt revolver.\u00a0 He probably has several clips with him–so you can stop with the bullet counting already!\u201d<\/p>\n Mike reached for his pad and pen on the coffee table and brought it down on the floor with him and started writing frantically.<\/p>\n \u201cWhat are you doing now?\u201d\u00a0 Lorne asked not at all amused.<\/p>\n \u201cYou did it, Lorne!\u00a0 You gave me a great idea for the next scene!\u00a0 We go and get that Gatling gun–you know the one we used in season twelve?\u201d<\/p>\n Lorne knocked the pen from Mike\u2019s hands and grabbed his shoulders.\u00a0 \u201cMichael, stop writing!\u00a0 You are absolutely obsessed with this stupid reunion.\u00a0 We are now fighting for our lives!\u00a0 Get the concept?\u201d<\/p>\n Another round of bullets scattered around the set.\u00a0 The two men hunkered down lower to avoid being hit.<\/p>\n \u201cReal life sucks,\u201d Mike said as he tried to catch his breath.<\/p>\n \u201cYeah, but let\u2019s try to at least live through the night, okay?\u00a0 I just thought of something.\u00a0 Won\u2019t your wife come looking for you when you don\u2019t make it home?\u201d<\/p>\n Mike frowned again.\u00a0 \u201cI guess you don\u2019t read the National Enquirer, Lorne.\u00a0 My wife and I just separated.\u00a0 She won\u2019t be coming for me.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cAnother great move on your part,\u201d Lorne groaned.<\/p>\n \u201cWhat about Nancy?\u00a0 She will get worried and come looking for you, right?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cBoth Nancy and Gillian are in London at this moment.\u00a0 I was going with them until you suckered me into this movie, thereby risking my life.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cLet me think–there\u2019s got to be something we can use for a weapon against that idiot,\u201d Mike said and started looking cautiously around the set.<\/p>\n \u201cHow about the fire poker, Mike?\u00a0 You could fence with him?\u201d\u00a0 Lorne did not feel as optimistic as his friend and was already thinking about writing a farewell note on Michael\u2019s script pad.<\/p>\n Mike shot Lorne a very unkind look and replied, \u201cYou never got over the fact that they made me the swash buckler in the series did you, Lorne?\u00a0 You were all jealous of me when I used to sword fight the villains!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWe weren\u2019t jealous, Michael–we laughed at you the whole time.\u00a0 You looked pretty funny actually.\u00a0 Remember the time they had you fencing with the umbrella?\u00a0 Didn\u2019t you feel stupid?\u201d\u00a0 Lorne smiled in remembrance.<\/p>\n \u201cGive me a break!\u00a0 That was in the pilot–hell I would\u2019ve done anything at that point to get on a series!\u00a0 But, if you remember I later used an actual sword and I was pretty good at it!\u201d\u00a0 Mike boasted.<\/p>\n \u201cOh yeah?\u00a0 Then why was it when Guy Williams came on the show you never challenged him?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cFor God\u2019s sake the man was Zorro!\u00a0 I wasn\u2019t a fool you know.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cAs I recall you never sword fought again, either.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cHey–\u201d Mike looked over to the third camera.\u00a0 He spotted a large spot light and eased over to it.\u00a0 \u201cThis runs on batteries!\u201d\u00a0 He said excitedly as he made his way back to their hideout next to the settee.<\/p>\n \u201cDon\u2019t turn that damn thing on!\u201d\u00a0 Lorne protested.\u00a0 \u201cWhat are you trying to do make us an even easier target?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cIf I can get close enough to him, I could blind him with it.\u00a0 You know distract him?\u201d\u00a0 Mike explained.<\/p>\n \u201cStick to writing fiction, Mike.\u00a0 Do you know what range that guy has up there?\u00a0 He\u2019d pick you off in a minute.\u201d<\/p>\n Mike frowned and settled back down on the floor.\u00a0 They could both still hear the sniper walking around overhead.\u00a0 Mike reached in his Little Joe jacket and took out a pack of cigarettes.\u00a0 He fired one up.<\/p>\n \u201cI thought you said you quit?\u201d\u00a0 Lorne asked disappointed.\u00a0 He felt since he had beaten the nicotine monster that surely Michael could do the same.<\/p>\n \u201cI did quit!\u201d\u00a0 Mike protested.\u00a0 \u201cI quit at lunch time.\u00a0 But, you know, Lorne, there\u2019s just something about being shot at that makes you want to start back up.\u201d\u00a0 He took a long drag and blew it out.\u00a0 At that moment another shot sounded and this one was even closer.<\/p>\n \u201cDamn!\u00a0 It\u2019s your cigarette.\u00a0 You are drawing his fire!\u201d\u00a0 Lorne grabbed the cigarette from Mike\u2019s lips and crushed it on the floor.<\/p>\n \u201cYou know, Lorne–you are starting to get on my nerves.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWell, if you are such a great writer, it seems to me that you could come up with a better conclusion to tonight\u2019s story other than we get shot at point blank range.\u00a0 So, come on, Genius, what are we going to do now?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cHey–you were always the one with all the answers, right?\u00a0 You are Ben Cartwright!\u201d Mike laughed to break the mounting tension.<\/p>\n \u201cBen could say nothing that the writers didn\u2019t write for him.\u00a0 You are the writer.\u00a0 Now come up with something.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cOkay.\u00a0 Let\u2019s see.\u00a0 I know–Roy Coffee bursts in the front door and we are saved.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cRay\u2019s dead.\u00a0 Have to write someone else in,\u201d Lorne again frowned.<\/p>\n \u201cOkay–I guess at this point Joe would try for the door,\u201d Mike paused and looked anxiously at Lorne.\u00a0 \u201cWell?\u201d\u00a0 He asked.<\/p>\n \u201cWell what?\u201d\u00a0 Lorne returned.<\/p>\n \u201cPa would have told him not to go,\u201d Mike stated hoping Lorne would insist he not try for the door.<\/p>\n \u201cGo for it, Mike!\u00a0 Hey–you may not be as young as you once were, but you could probably make it.\u00a0 Hit the emergency release and I\u2019ll be right behind you,\u201d\u00a0 Lorne was done with waiting to be killed.<\/p>\n \u201cYou really aren\u2019t going to talk me out of this?\u201d\u00a0 Mike asked astonished.<\/p>\n \u201cMike,\u201d Lorne paused and put his hand on his friend\u2019s shoulder.\u00a0 \u201cSince it is your fault we are here, and since it is your fault that no-one else is other than the madman, it\u2019s the least you can do.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThen I guess it\u2019s really not true,\u201d Mike sighed crestfallen.<\/p>\n \u201cWhat\u2019s not true?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI always thought Pa loved Little Joe best.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cOh, that is<\/strong> true–but you are not Joe and I am not Pa.\u00a0 Geez you sound like the sniper now.\u00a0 Snap out of it!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cOkay–I\u2019m going,\u201d Mike looked around quickly and then sprinted the ten yards to the emergency door.\u00a0 Right before he got there a bullet flew by, catching him in the upper arm.\u00a0 He screamed out in pain and then turned back around.\u00a0 He ran faster than before and once again flung himself over the settee and back to where Lorne sat.<\/p>\n \u201cHe got me!\u201d\u00a0 Mike announced biting his lip in pain. Lorne grabbed Mike\u2019s lighter off of the floor and inspected the wound.\u00a0 The bullet had grazed his upper arm, tearing the green jacket and tan shirt below.<\/p>\n \u201cOh, you\u2019re okay, Michael.\u00a0 It\u2019s only a flesh wound,\u201d Lorne sighed relieved.<\/p>\n \u201cFlesh wound my ass, this hurts!\u00a0 And look it\u2019s bleeding!\u201d\u00a0 Mike was panicking now.<\/p>\n “Watch that language, Joseph!” Lorne harkened back to his former self as Pa.<\/p>\n “Hey — um — Pa — I’m telling you it hurts!” Mike complained.<\/p>\n \u201cYeah, and you’re bleeding real blood too!\u00a0 C\u2019mon, be brave.\u00a0 I\u2019ve seen worse,\u201d Lorne joked and found Mike to be getting mad at him for not showing any pity.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m telling you, Lorne, it\u2019s bad,\u201d Mike insisted grimacing in pain.<\/p>\n \u201cWell, what about that arrow that got you in your chest?\u00a0 I\u2019m sure that had to hurt a lot worse than a mere flesh wound to the arm.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cLorne, the arrow was stuck to my chest with Elmer\u2019s Glue, this is a real bullet from a live gun wound!\u201d<\/p>\n Lorne looked at the wound again to appease his friend.\u00a0 He took off his neckerchief and tied it around Mike\u2019s upper arm.\u00a0 \u201cThere now all better,\u201d Lorne smiled.<\/p>\n Mike reached for his arm and looked at the blood on his hand.\u00a0 \u201cLorne, how many pints of blood do humans have in their bodies?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWell, if we were talking about Little Joe Cartwright I\u2019d say one hundred.\u00a0 But, if we are talking about real life then I guess eight or so.\u00a0 Why?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cHow many pints do you think I\u2019ve lost so far?\u201d\u00a0 Mike had worry displayed on his face now.<\/p>\n \u201cYou haven\u2019t lost a pint.\u00a0 My gosh–big brave Joe Cartwright!\u00a0 You need to get a grip.\u00a0 You have barely lost a teaspoon.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYou know, Lorne.\u201d\u00a0 Mike paused and shot the man an angry glance.\u00a0 \u201cYou have no sympathy in your body, do you?\u00a0 I mean here I was trying to save your life–I get shot and you make fun of my severe injury.\u201d<\/p>\n Lorne brought the script up to his eyes and read.\u00a0 ***Ben sat at his son\u2019s bedside stroking his left arm praying that the boy would come around.\u00a0 His heart ached for his son and all that he had gone through.\u00a0 Pa\u2019s hand reaches up and pushes aside a stray curl***<\/em><\/strong> Lorne reached over, rubbed Michael\u2019s arm and pushed the curls off his forehead.\u00a0 \u201cNow–are you satisfied?\u00a0 Did that make all the hurt go away, Joseph?\u201d\u00a0 Lorne laughed as he saw a contented smile spread across Michael\u2019s face.<\/p>\n \u201cWell, you could\u2019ve done it with more feeling, Pa –but I guess it will do for now.\u201d<\/p>\n Just then another spray of gun shots rang out through the sound stage.<\/p>\n \u201cUm, Mike, we\u2019re kind of in the middle of a life and death battle right now.\u00a0 I\u2019ll do a better job comforting you if we survive this.\u00a0 We have to try to stay alive right now.\u00a0 You have any more great ideas?\u201d\u00a0 Lorne asked as they ducked down lower.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m weak from blood loss, it\u2019s your turn to think of something.\u00a0 Gosh I wish Pernell had agreed to do this sequel,\u201d Mike remarked remorsefully.<\/p>\n \u201cHuh?\u00a0 You and Pernell never got along too well on the set.\u00a0 Why would you say that?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWell, he\u2019d be here and it would give the sniper someone else to shoot at.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cVery funny.\u00a0 You know you\u2019d better stop all this kidding around and get us out of this.\u00a0 My contract specifically stated no sniper fire.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cOkay, give me a minute I have to review four hundred and thirty-one Bonanza plots in my mind.\u201d\u00a0 Mike closed his eyes as reels and reels of film passed through his mind.<\/p>\n \u201cHey what\u2019s with you Cartwrights anyway?\u00a0 You don\u2019t seem as brave as you once did!\u00a0 You gonna stay behind that couch all night?\u00a0 You cowards!\u00a0 Where\u2019s the spunk?\u201d\u00a0 The gunman taunted the two actors.<\/p>\n \u201cIt\u2019s not a couch you idiot!\u00a0 It\u2019s a settee for God\u2019s sake!\u201d\u00a0 Mike yelled upward.\u00a0 \u201cAnd you aren\u2019t exactly brave yourself or you would come out where we can see you!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cHey, Little Joe–does that gunshot hurt?\u00a0 You gonna cry?\u00a0 C\u2019mon you like to cry–you did it in almost every episode you sissy!\u201d\u00a0 The gunman again chided Mike on.<\/p>\n \u201cDon\u2019t call my son a sissy!\u201d\u00a0 Lorne yelled standing up.\u00a0 As a shot flew by him, barely missing his head, he sank back down to the floor.\u00a0 \u201cGood Lord, what am I saying?\u00a0 Maybe I am<\/strong> Ben Cartwright,\u201d Lorne said exasperated.\u00a0 Mike smiled over at him and patted him on the back.<\/p>\n \u201cThanks for defending my honor, Pa,\u201d He laughed.\u00a0 \u201cWait a minute!\u00a0 I got an idea!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cOh, what is it going to be this time?\u00a0 Where do you plan to get shot?\u201d\u00a0 Lorne asked.<\/p>\n \u201cThis guy thinks we are the Cartwrights right?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYes, that seems to be the case.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWell, let\u2019s get our holsters and our guns on and go up there and get him!\u201d\u00a0 Mike was really getting into it, but Lorne frowned.<\/p>\n \u201cOkay, let me get this right.\u00a0 You want us to put on our guns, which only carry blanks, and climb up there and have a shootout with that maniac?\u201d\u00a0 Lorne raised his eyebrows in gesture.<\/p>\n \u201cYeah,\u201d Mike nodded exuberantly.<\/p>\n \u201cHe has real bullets–we have fake ones.\u00a0 Now who do you suppose will win, Joseph?<\/em><\/strong>\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWell, if he thinks we\u2019re the Cartwrights, then maybe he\u2019ll think we have real bullets?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cMichael, maybe you\u2019re getting a little lightheaded–you know you have lost a teaspoon of blood.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWell, then what do you plan on doing?\u00a0 I\u2019m all out of plot lines now,\u201d Michael said irritated that Lorne wasn\u2019t buying into his great idea.<\/p>\n \u201cLet\u2019s try to talk to him.\u00a0 Maybe we can reason with him?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYou\u2019ve got the floor, Pa.\u00a0 Go on and give him your best lecture.\u201d\u00a0 Mike teased.<\/p>\n \u201cYou up there!\u201d\u00a0 Lorne started.\u00a0 \u201cYou mind telling us why you want to kill us?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cBecause I hate the Cartwrights that\u2019s why!\u201d\u00a0 The sniper yelled down.<\/p>\n \u201cPeople all over the world love the Cartwrights–why don\u2019t you?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cBecause you always win–every freaking episode!\u00a0 I can\u2019t stand it anymore!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThen stop watching the reruns you jerk!\u201d\u00a0 Mike screamed.\u00a0 Another bullet flew past the settee in response. \u201cHey–we didn\u2019t create the damn characters–David Dortort did–he\u2019s the one you want!\u00a0 He\u2019s in Palm Springs.\u00a0 You could leave now and be there by morning!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYou ingrate!\u201d\u00a0 Lorne whispered.\u00a0 \u201cThat man gave you your start and you want to send that nut case over to David\u2019s house?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI was gonna warn him–you know, call his house and leave a message?\u00a0 Okay–I\u2019ll try something else,\u201d Mike thought a moment and then yelled again, \u201cHey–you think we were bad what about Adam?\u00a0 Now there was someone you just wanted to shoot, huh?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cAdam who?\u201d\u00a0 The gunman asked bewildered.<\/p>\n \u201cGreat–he didn\u2019t catch the first six years–now I can\u2019t send him to Pernell\u2019s house.\u201d\u00a0 Mike sighed.<\/p>\n \u201cYou\u2019re not so tough without your guns are you, Ben?\u00a0 And what about you, Little Joe?\u00a0 I don\u2019t see any great feats of courage going on down there.\u00a0 That sprint to the door was pretty lame.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cCome down here and say that!\u201d\u00a0 Mike yelled, having his feelings hurt yet again.<\/p>\n \u201cUm–Mike–it was pretty lame you know, he does have a point.\u00a0 I mean I think I could have made that run faster than you.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cOne more word and I light a cigarette, Lorne.\u201d\u00a0 Mike fumed.<\/p>\n \u201cI saw you get blown up by nitro, Little Joe!\u00a0 How the hell did you live through that anyway?\u201d\u00a0 The gunman wanted some facts now.<\/p>\n \u201cI went blind you moron!\u00a0 It was a good script–I co-wrote it.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThen there was the gangrene–I was sure hoping you would lop off that arm.\u00a0 But no–old Ben had to find you in time!\u201d<\/p>\n Lorne looked over at Mike and shrugged.\u00a0 \u201cHe\u2019s seen all of your injuries, Michael.\u00a0 He doesn\u2019t seem happy that you survived.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNo scars–and that damn green jacket!\u00a0 What\u2019s up with that?\u00a0 You were shot a million times and that jacket never even had a tear in it!\u00a0 But, looks like I finally took care of that!\u00a0 Don\u2019t feel so damned indestructible now, do you?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNow he\u2019s making fun of my jacket!\u00a0 Lorne, we have to do something.\u00a0 It was bad enough getting shot, but he is picking on the Little Joe suit now.\u00a0 Some things we have to hold sacred.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cHe seems to have a problem mostly with you, Mike.\u00a0 Why don\u2019t I leave the two of you alone to settle your differences?\u201d\u00a0 Lorne joked and Mike looked at him pathetically.<\/p>\n \u201cIf anyone fights anyone of us–he\u2019s got to fight with me,\u201d\u00a0 Mike started singing the Bonanza theme song.<\/p>\n \u201cOkay–okay–it was just a thought.\u00a0 So, you want to strap on the guns and get this over with?\u00a0 I mean there is something to be said about a fast death instead of a long drawn out one.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI don\u2019t know, Lorne.\u00a0 I\u2019m feeling lightheaded again.\u00a0 This wound is still bleeding.\u00a0 By the way–if we survive this–will you donate some blood for me?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhat?\u00a0 What are you talking about?\u00a0 You don\u2019t need blood for God\u2019s sake!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhat\u2019s your blood type?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cO,\u201d Lorne replied bluntly to stop the infernal pestering.<\/p>\n \u201cAre you positive?\u201d\u00a0 Mike asked.<\/p>\n \u201cOf course I\u2019m positive–I ought to know my own blood type.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cStick to acting, Lorne.\u00a0 Let me write the funny stuff.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cRelax, we have the same blood type.\u00a0 I\u2019m your father so we should be compatible,\u201d Lorne laughed.<\/p>\n \u201cThanks, Pa,\u201d Mike smiled contently, even though his flesh wound hurt.<\/p>\n Another series of bullets rang out and hit the blue winged back chair by the fireplace along with the coffee table.<\/p>\n \u201cDamn it!\u201d\u00a0 Mike stood this time as he yelled.\u00a0 \u201cYou know how long it took for me to get these props?\u00a0 Stop destroying my set!\u201d\u00a0 With his last word another series of shots were fired and Lorne pulled Mike to safety.<\/p>\n \u201cYou are just as crazy as that lunatic!\u00a0 Props?\u00a0 You are worried about props when this guy is trying to kill us?\u201d\u00a0 Lorne scolded and even raised his eyebrows in true \u201cPa\u201d fashion.<\/p>\n \u201cWell–it took a long time to fix this up just right.\u00a0 I want it to be perfect for the movie.\u201d<\/p>\n Lorne grabbed Michael\u2019s shoulders and stared into his eyes.\u00a0 \u201cThere isn\u2019t going to be a movie! We are living the movie now–don\u2019t you see it?\u00a0 But, instead of the happy ending, we are getting Hamlet.\u00a0 We are both going to die.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNo we can\u2019t, we are Cartwrights.\u00a0 No matter what we ever do for the rest of our lives people will always consider us Ben and Little Joe Cartwright.\u00a0 Face it, even on Little House, fans would yell for Little Joe to come out.\u00a0 And you–you were father to the world for God\u2019s sake!\u00a0 So, therefore, as I said, we can\u2019t die.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThen, get us out of here and prove me wrong.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cAll you had to do was ask.\u201d\u00a0 Mike smiled.\u00a0 \u201cI need to write for a minute first.\u201d\u00a0 Mike reached for his lighter again and his pad and pen.\u00a0 He scribbled hastily for a few minutes and then handed the script to Lorne.\u00a0 \u201cRead this.\u00a0 You\u2019re gonna love it!\u201d\u00a0 Mike flashed an evil smile.<\/p>\n Lorne read the brief ending to their night of hell and looked back up at his friend.\u00a0 \u201cThis is so stupid it will probably work.\u201d\u00a0 He laughed heartily.<\/p>\n \u201cHey, it was the stupid stuff that kept us on the air for fourteen years, remember?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cOh, yeah–I remember. Well, let\u2019s get to it, then.\u201d\u00a0 Lorne was ready to end the siege of the Ponderosa sound stage once and for all.<\/p>\n Michael slid across the living room area on his belly trying to make it over to a prop bag that was stowed away under the rifle rack.\u00a0 He made it there and back and carried with him what he would need for his magnificent ending.<\/p>\n \u201cHere,\u201d Mike whispered and handed Lorne a plastic bag full of fake blood.\u00a0 Then he tore off some adhesive tape.\u00a0 \u201cTape it right between my shoulder blades,\u201d Mike continued as he lifted his shirt and jacket.<\/p>\n \u201cAh–another back wound! How clever of you,\u201d Lorne chuckled as he strapped the bag on and pulled Mike\u2019s jacket back down.\u00a0 \u201cAnd mine is what?\u00a0 Head wound?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNaw–Pa is gonna get it right in the heart.\u00a0 Lift your shirt,\u201d Mike smiled getting ready for a great performance.\u00a0 He taped the bag onto his friend\u2019s chest and Lorne tucked his shirt back in.<\/p>\n \u201cYou ready to die, Pa?\u201d\u00a0 He grinned as he asked.<\/p>\n \u201cWe die together.\u00a0 Just like the National Enquirer said,\u201d Lorne nodded.\u00a0 \u201cNow how do we draw his fire?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cHere,\u201d Mike said and lit his cigarette and then placed it a couple feet away on the end of the coffee table.\u00a0 Then they both ducked back down.\u00a0 A rapid series of bullets were fired at the red light from the burning cigarette.<\/p>\n \u201cHe got me, Pa!\u00a0 I\u2019m hit bad!\u201d\u00a0 Mike screamed in pain.<\/p>\n \u201cHe got me too, Little Joe–my chest–oh no.!\u201d Lorne made a loud thud as he landed on his back sprawled on the floor in front of the fireplace.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m not going to make it this time, Pa.\u00a0 Goodbye, Pa,\u201d Mike said loud enough for the audience above them.<\/p>\n \u201cAt least we will die together, Son.\u00a0 I love you.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI love you too, Pa,\u201d Mike announced and collapsed on the floor face down.\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019m gonna miss you.\u201d\u00a0 Mike continued.<\/p>\n \u201cStop hamming it up, Mike.\u00a0 You\u2019re dead–shut up,\u201d Lorne whispered angrily.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019ve always suffered better than you,\u201d Mike replied with a smile.<\/p>\n \u201cSave the tears for later–I think I hear him coming now.\u201d\u00a0 Lorne tried his best to hold his breath so the gunman wouldn\u2019t notice anything other than the profuse blood that was now seeping from his punctured bag of blood.\u00a0 Mike was also bleeding from his imitation shot to the back and it seeped from his back and onto the floor.<\/p>\n The sniper made his way from the catwalk and over to the scene in the living room.\u00a0 He carried with him a small flashlight so he could inspect the carnage.<\/p>\n \u201cYes!\u00a0 Yes! Yes!\u201d\u00a0 He yelled joyously as he saw the two dead bodies.\u00a0 \u201cI killed the Cartwrights!\u00a0 I will be famous!\u00a0 I did what no-one else could do!\u00a0 And direct hits too!\u201d\u00a0 He rambled on.\u00a0 But, then, he made a bad move.\u00a0 As he reached down to look closer at Little Joe\u2019s dead body, Lorne managed to kick him really hard right between his legs.\u00a0 The gunman reeled in pain and fell back. He hit his head on the coffee table and knocked himself unconscious.<\/p>\n \u201cWe did it, Pa!\u201d\u00a0 Mike yelled and picked up the man\u2019s automatic weapon.\u00a0 \u201cI told you it was a great script!\u201d<\/p>\n Lorne took the man\u2019s flashlight and looked him over thoroughly.\u00a0 \u201cYes, Joseph, we did.\u00a0 Oh, by the way, he\u2019s not dead, but he\u2019ll sleep for a while,\u201d He replied happy that the night of fright was over at last.<\/p>\n \u201cHey–you know Ben Cartwright would never have kicked a guy in the crotch.\u201d\u00a0 Mike teased his friend.<\/p>\n \u201cNo,\u201d Lorne grinned as he put his hand on Mike\u2019s shoulder.\u00a0 \u201cBut, to prevent himself from being killed, Lorne Greene would.\u201d\u00a0 He laughed.<\/p>\n ***********<\/p>\n After Mike had toyed with the backup generator the two actors called the police.\u00a0 When the squad cars pulled up outside the two police officers were aghast at what they saw.\u00a0 There were the two Cartwrights, covered in blood with a man who was tied from head to toe with electrical tape.<\/p>\n \u201cYou both okay?\u201d\u00a0 One of the officers asked expecting to call the ambulance.<\/p>\n \u201cSure–it\u2019s just a minor gunshot,\u201d Mike teased, watching the officers\u2019 faces as they viewed the fake blood that dripped from both actors.<\/p>\n \u201cHey–aren\u2019t you two the Cartwrights?\u201d\u00a0 The other officer asked.<\/p>\n \u201cWell–we were for a while,\u201d\u00a0 Lorne nodded and gave Mike a peculiar grimace.<\/p>\n \u201cYeah–I use to watch you all when I was a kid.\u00a0 Never thought that you both were still alive!\u201d<\/p>\n Mike looked at Lorne and shrugged.\u00a0 \u201cYeah–Sonny–we old codgers are still around.\u00a0 That guy tied up tried to kill us.\u00a0 As you can see we took care of him.\u00a0 Here\u2019s his gun.\u00a0 We\u2019ll follow you down to the station and file the report.\u00a0 Then I have to get my arm looked at.\u00a0 I\u2019ve lost a lot of blood.\u201d Mike bit his lip in pain as Lorne looked over at him and shook his head amused.<\/p>\n \u201cOh no–not that again.\u00a0 C\u2019mon, a Band-Aid will fix it,\u201d Lorne grabbed Mike\u2019s arm and led him to his car.<\/p>\n \u201cIt really does hurt, Lorne,\u201d Mike protested as Lorne got in the driver\u2019s seat.<\/p>\n \u201cI can\u2019t stroke your arm and drive–so get tough.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cLater?\u201d\u00a0 Mike asked grinning.<\/p>\n Lorne laughed at his friend\u2019s persistence.\u00a0 \u201cPa always did love you best,\u201d He answered and drove to the police station and then to the hospital.<\/p>\n *************<\/p>\n Two weeks later Michael Landon and Lorne Greene met for drinks and to discuss what had happened during the siege of the Ponderosa.\u00a0 They sat at the Beverly Hills Country Club and sipped their cocktails.<\/p>\n \u201cYou look pretty good, Mike.\u00a0 How\u2019s the arm?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cTake a look.\u201d\u00a0 Mike pulled up his shirt sleeve.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019ll be damned!\u201d\u00a0 Lorne exclaimed.\u00a0 \u201cNo scar.\u00a0 Maybe you really are<\/strong> Little Joe Cartwright.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cIt\u2019s a shame we had to shelve the reunion,\u201d Mike sighed and drank more.\u00a0 \u201cBut, I will come up with something else soon. Oh–I got you a present,\u201d Mike reached for a box under the table.\u00a0 He handed it to Lorne who, in return handed Mike a present.<\/p>\n \u201cGreat minds think alike,\u201d Mike muttered as he tore into his package.<\/p>\n Lorne opened his first and found his Ben Cartwright Colt revolver.\u00a0 \u201cMy gun?\u00a0 What\u2019s this for?\u201d\u00a0 He asked checking it out and watching as the waiter beat a fast exit to the kitchen after spotting the weapon.<\/p>\n Mike leaned over and whispered in Lorne\u2019s ear, \u201cIt\u2019s loaded with live ammo. You won\u2019t have to worry the next time you encounter a maniac.\u201d<\/p>\n Lorne laughed and replied, \u201cHow thoughtful of you.\u201d<\/p>\n Mike opened his package and pulled out a green corduroy jacket.<\/p>\n \u201cMy jacket? I was wondering what happened to it.\u00a0 Last time I saw it was in the hospital when they were putting the Band-Aid on my massive wound.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI had it repaired.\u00a0 You can\u2019t tell it was ever torn.\u201d<\/p>\n Mike gave a contented sigh but then remembered something else he had brought to show Lorne.\u00a0 \u201cThanks–it\u2019s great to have it back in one piece.\u00a0 Hop Sing couldn\u2019t have fixed it better! Oh–have you seen this?\u201d\u00a0 Mike handed Lorne a current copy of the National Enquirer.<\/p>\n Lorne studied the front cover.\u00a0 There was a big picture of both Lorne and Michael and the caption read, \u201cLorne Greene, actor and Michael Landon, actor, writer, director, producer, victim shot by vicious crazed fan.\u00a0 Family keeps vigil as they wait for them to die.\u201d<\/p>\n Lorne shook his head and laughed.\u00a0 \u201cI guess there were spies there after all.\u00a0 They must have snapped this right when we walked out of the studio.\u00a0 I better call Nancy, so she doesn\u2019t see this and worry.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThey have this crap in Europe?\u201d Mike asked in disbelief.<\/p>\n \u201cShe\u2019s coming back in tonight.\u00a0 So, we are going to have to end our little celebration early.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cOkay but first let me tell you what I\u2019m working on.\u00a0 I have this new pilot for a series where I play an angel.\u00a0 It\u2019s gonna be great!\u00a0 So, I thought maybe you\u2019d come on the show once it sells and film an episode.\u00a0 You know, kinda like the Bonanza reunion—but no guns involved?\u201d<\/p>\n Lorne stood and patted Michael\u2019s shoulder.\u00a0 \u201cIt\u2019s not healthy to work with you anymore, Michael.\u00a0 Think I\u2019ll pass on it.\u00a0 Besides, you\u2019ll never sell it.\u00a0 You as an angel?\u00a0 That\u2019s crazy!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cPlease?\u201d\u00a0 Mike turned his hazel eyes on his friend and tried to look as pathetic as he could, having consumed three drinks.<\/p>\n Lorne frowned and shook his head.\u00a0 He knew that he would eventually cave in.\u00a0 And despite what he had told Mike before, he did think his friend was still cute.\u00a0 \u201cCall my agent,\u201d Lorne sighed.\u00a0 \u201cBut wait awhile.\u00a0 It\u2019s going to take me a couple of years to get over this first reunion.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI knew you\u2019d do it!\u201d\u00a0 Mike said exuberantly.\u00a0 He stood and hugged his friend goodbye.<\/p>\n \u201cYes, Joseph.\u00a0 Pa always did love you best.!”\u00a0 Lorne chuckled and waved goodbye.<\/p>\n The End<\/p>\n Written by: Wrangler<\/p>\n 5-3-01<\/p>\n Reformatted 6\/5\/2026<\/p>\n (Though this was written before I had a story consultant, I still dedicate it to Rob since he had to listen to it.\u00a0 And to those who read my stories.\u00a0 I\u2019ll be back to my normal hurt-comfort dramas very soon! \u00a0But since this had been buried for twenty five years I thought it might be a nice lighter parody.)<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n