{"id":65155,"date":"2026-06-24T15:09:19","date_gmt":"2026-06-24T19:09:19","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=65155"},"modified":"2026-06-24T16:47:00","modified_gmt":"2026-06-24T20:47:00","slug":"not-to-me-by-jc","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=65155","title":{"rendered":"Not to Me (by JC)"},"content":{"rendered":"

Summary: All Cartwrights are not created equal.\u00a0 In this sequel to Interval,<\/em> Jilly makes a decision in opposition to her family that will ultimately change the course of her life, for better or worse. (Part of the Ties That Bind<\/em>\u00a0 AU series, links to other stories below.)<\/p>\n

Rating: G\u00a0 \u00a0Word Count: 1782<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

Ties That Bind series<\/strong><\/p>\n

Ties That Bind<\/a>
\nImperfect Memory<\/a>
\nA Pearl Without Price<\/a>
\nA Piece of Cake<\/a>
\nSomething About Amy<\/a>
\nGuarding the Henhouse<\/a>
\nWhen Angels Cry<\/a>
\nNo Ordinary Day<\/a>
\nWinter of Discontent<\/a>
\nInterval<\/a>
\nNot to Me<\/a>
\nGently, Full of Grace<\/a><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Author’s Note:\u00a0 This story will have a limited appearance on the library front page, after which time it will be backdated.<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

NOT TO ME<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I grew up a lonely child, though I didn\u2019t know it it the time. My father once told me that you can\u2019t always see something until you\u2019ve had a chance to walk down the road and look back from a distance.<\/p>\n

My mother died before I was two, and all I ever knew of her was from the stories I had heard from my father and brothers. Judging from the picture on my father\u2019s desk, she was as beautiful as they claimed. She belonged to them, but not to me.<\/p>\n

After three sons and without a wife to guide him in the ways of raising a daughter, my father found himself in uncharted territory, and as time went on that put him in a quandary of \u201cwhat to do about Jilly.\u201d I was a problem child, not because I misbehaved any more than my brothers but because I\u2019d been born a girl.<\/p>\n

It wasn\u2019t so bad in the beginning. I adored my brothers and my father, and little girls are much the same as little boys, until they aren\u2019t. I followed Joe everywhere, in spite of his protests which weren\u2019t all that convincing. I didn\u2019t see myself as being different. I didn\u2019t feel different.<\/p>\n

And then Adam came home.<\/p>\n

Joe was on the cusp of ten, and I was six and a half, small for my age, the half being very important to me at the time.<\/p>\n

Adam had been away at school in Boston for four years. In other words, most of my life. Everything I knew about my oldest brother was from the letters Pa read to us and the picture on his bureau. I had no memories of him at all. Everyone was so excited, and I wanted to be, too. I tried very hard, but I couldn\u2019t. He was a stranger. He belonged to them, not to me.<\/p>\n

It seemed like the whole town turned out to greet Adam when he arrived on the stage. I couldn\u2019t ever remember my Pa\u00a0 crying before that day, but he wept openly as they embraced. Hoss and Joe did too. I felt a change in the air, a sense of loss and the gain of something new and unfamiliar, and it frightened me. I knew at that moment my life was going to be different.<\/p>\n

People clamored to express their good wishes, and I was swept aside by the eager, jostling crowd until I could no longer see my family. I wanted to cry, but I didn\u2019t. I just stepped back and waited with my insides twisting, wondering if anyone would notice I was missing.<\/p>\n

It was Hoss who found me. \u201cHey, Little Bit, what are you doin\u2019 all the way over here?\u201d<\/p>\n

I couldn\u2019t answer because of the tears in my throat, so I just clung to him and hid my face against his thigh. He swung me up into his arms and consoled me. \u201cI\u2019m sorry, honey. I should’ve been lookin\u2019 out for you. Cheer up now, because there\u2019s somebody here who\u2019s real anxious to see you.\u201d<\/p>\n

Hoss was like Moses parting the Red Sea when he carried me through the crowd to where Pa and Joe were talking with Adam. I think Pa wanted to scold me for running off (which I hadn\u2019t) but his brows relaxed when he saw I was upset so I guess he thought better of it. Hoss set me down but kept his arm around me while I pressed against him.<\/p>\n

Adam looked older than his picture. \u201cThis can\u2019t be Jilly.\u201d His voice was deep, like Pa\u2019s.<\/p>\n

I stared up at him, wondering if I was a disappointment. I bit the inside of my cheek.<\/p>\n

He smiled and got down on one knee in front of me, looking me square in the face. \u201cYou grew up while I was gone.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI guess you did, too.\u201d<\/p>\n

His mouth twisted in a funny smile, and he laughed in his throat. Then his eyes went soft and shimmery, and he held out his arms. \u201cCome here, baby.\u201d<\/p>\n

Well, I wasn\u2019t a baby, but the way he said it I didn\u2019t really mind. I hugged my big brother who held me longer than I was used to, and when I looked up, Pa was crying again.<\/p>\n

I had been right; things did change after Adam came back. It was mostly good because he was a big help to Pa, who at first seemed happier than I ever remembered. But Joe had less time for me because he was spending more time with Adam and Hoss. Ranch work, he said. Girls didn\u2019t break horses or brand cattle or go on round ups. Not that I was itching to do any of those things, but none of them ever stopped to consider the fact that nearly everything they did excluded me. There was a dividing line between us, my brothers on one side, me on the other. In the family ledger we were three assets and one liability.<\/p>\n

It never occurred to me that I might be sent away, but I should have seen it coming when Pa mentioned Connie McKee and that school back east. When an opportunity dropped in his lap, he took it. I honestly don\u2019t blame him. Looking back, it would have seemed an ideal solution to a problem he couldn\u2019t fix on his own; in his place I probably would have done the same thing. He begged me through tears to help him make it easier, and I said I would. It was a lot to ask of an eleven year old, but I have always tried to do everything my father wanted. I suppose it\u2019s because I didn\u2019t want to risk using up whatever measure of grace he afforded me, unlike Joe, who would never have to worry about that.<\/p>\n

My life in San Francisco wasn\u2019t perfect, but it served a purpose, giving me an education in more ways than one. I wanted to come home so badly the first year I was physically ill. My family didn\u2019t know the half of it, but I had to believe that everyone did the best they could. Out of sight doesn\u2019t necessarily mean out of mind, though it may seem that way. I learned to smile through a lot of things even when my heart rebelled. The truth is, not every promise can be kept. In the end love covers a multitude of sins.<\/p>\n

I spent the sixteenth summer of my life back on the Ponderosa, the home of my childhood, no longer mine. Joe had become a man. He along with Hoss and Adam bore the invisible scars of love, loss, and tragedy, like our Pa. While it bound them closer together, it was another layer of separation between us. By summer\u2019s end I had grown up in ways I hadn\u2019t expected, nor wanted to, and the world had changed again. I went back to San Francisco with the shadowy feeling I might never return.<\/p>\n

But I had to come back at least once more, to try to make them understand why I was leaving and let them have their say. I felt they were entitled.<\/p>\n

Joe was angry. He told me I was being selfish. I listened to him rant because I knew he needed to. I didn\u2019t enjoy it, but I understood he didn’t really meant it. He would come back later with hat in hand and make peace, even if we disagreed. That was his way. Except for Pa, no one loves Joe more than I do, not even Hoss or Adam. But he has never known what it\u2019s like to be loved less, nor likely will he ever.<\/p>\n

Pa\u2019s anger was more from hurt. I didn\u2019t set out to hurt him, but I made my decision knowing that it would. He more than anyone should understand that there are no easy answers to hard questions, because I learned that from him. Hoss and Adam were mostly silent, but I knew I\u2019d be hearing from both of them before it was over. So I wasn\u2019t surprised when Adam showed up at the barn where I was trying to distract myself after the \u201cdiscussion\u201d I\u2019d endured with my family.<\/p>\n

\u201cI thought I\u2019d find you out here.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat do you want?\u201d As if I didn\u2019t know. I was currying Star and didn\u2019t look up.<\/p>\n

\u201cTo talk, that\u2019s all.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat\u2019s the point? You\u2019re not going to change my mind.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAre you sure you know what you\u2019re doing?\u201d<\/p>\n

I shot him a look that let him know I didn\u2019t like being talked down to. \u201cOf all people, Adam, I thought you would be on my side.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m always on your side, Jilly, but that doesn\u2019t mean I always agree with you. I just want what\u2019s best for you.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIn case you haven\u2019t noticed, I\u2019m not the little girl who left here five years ago.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cClearly, you aren\u2019t.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cPa thinks I am.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo, he doesn\u2019t. But you should have talked to him first instead of pulling the rug out from under him the way you did. That wasn\u2019t fair. You knew he was expecting you home. He\u2019s been looking forward to it for the past year.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDo you always do everything that\u2019s expected of you?\u201d He and I both knew the answer to that.<\/p>\n

\u201cWe\u2019re not talking about me. Don\u2019t change the subject.\u201d<\/p>\n

I could tell from his tone that he was losing patience with me. But my own feelings were pretty raw at that moment, and I kept quiet, focusing on my task.<\/p>\n

\u201cThis job, is it something you really want?\u201d<\/p>\n

Want never really entered into it; I\u2019d never had a burning desire to be a teacher. \u201cIt\u2019s something I need. You wouldn\u2019t understand.\u201d<\/p>\n

I heard him sigh. \u201cI guess I don\u2019t. I just wish you\u2019d take a little more time to think about what you\u2019re planning to do.\u201d<\/p>\n

I\u2019d had plenty of time to think about it over the past year in San Francisco. But I didn\u2019t tell him that or anything else. And I didn\u2019t look up until I heard him leave the barn.<\/p>\n

What none of them could see was what became suddenly clear to me last summer. I loved my father and brothers, and I knew in my heart that they loved me, each in their own fashion. But the ties that bound us together were not equal; perhaps they had never been. And wanting something isn\u2019t enough to make it so. They belonged to each other. But not to me.<\/p>\n

I rewarded my beautiful horse with an apple and wept against his neck. After a while I dried my tears and walked back to the house in the chilly rain.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

END<\/p>\n

For a complete up to date listing of my stories check out<\/em>\u00a0JC’s Author Page<\/a><\/p>\n

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<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Summary: All Cartwrights are not created equal.\u00a0 In this sequel to Interval, Jilly makes a decision in opposition to her family that will ultimately change the course of her life, for better or worse. (Part of the Ties That Bind\u00a0 AU series, links to other stories below.)\u00a0<\/p>\n

Rating: G\u00a0 \u00a0Word Count: 1782<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":10253,"featured_media":23434,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[7,23,1008],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-65155","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-a-u","category-drama","category-family","wpcat-7-id","wpcat-23-id","wpcat-1008-id"],"a3_pvc":{"activated":true,"total_views":177,"today_views":2},"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/08\/Double-Cross.png?fit=400%2C383&ssl=1","jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":14080,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=14080","url_meta":{"origin":65155,"position":0},"title":"A Piece of Cake (by JC)","author":"JC","date":"March 27, 2017","format":false,"excerpt":"Summary: \u00a0How hard can it be, taking care of two little boys for one day? \u00a0That's what Joe thinks.... 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