{"id":6548,"date":"2010-03-30T13:04:15","date_gmt":"2010-03-30T17:04:15","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=6548"},"modified":"2026-07-29T13:32:28","modified_gmt":"2026-07-29T17:32:28","slug":"my-fathers-heartbeat","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=6548","title":{"rendered":"My Father’s Heartbeat (by Cheaux)"},"content":{"rendered":"

Summary:\u00a0\u00a0<\/strong>After a cattle drive Joe receives a heartbreaking telegram from the Ponderosa…<\/p>\n

Rated:\u00a0 T \u00a0— \u00a0<\/strong>WC \u00a06800<\/p>\n

Disclaimer:\u00a0All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

\n

My Father’s Heartbeat Series<\/strong>:<\/p>\n

My Father’s Heartbeat<\/a>
\nDeception<\/a><\/p>\n

<\/h2>\n

Joe<\/em><\/strong><\/h2>\n

\u201cAnyone here named Joe Cartwright?\u201d\u00a0 asks a freckle-faced kid not old enough to be in the saloon where I\u2019m washing near-on a month\u2019s worth of trail dust out of my throat.<\/p>\n

I haven\u2019t decided whether to answer him or not.\u00a0 All I want is a drink, a bath, and a bed\u2014and not necessarily in that order\u2014but someone must have pointed me out because the next thing I know he thrusts a piece of paper in my hand.\u00a0 \u201cTelegram for you,\u201d he says and walks away.\u00a0 I sigh and roll my shoulders.\u00a0\u00a0Damn, I\u2019m sore<\/em>.\u00a0 I open the telegram and read the words once, then twice, then three times.<\/p>\n

\u201cYour father is dying,\u201d it says.\u00a0 \u201cCome home quick.\u201d<\/p>\n

I laugh.<\/p>\n

I laugh because home\u2014our ranch known as The Ponderosa\u2014is more than three days\u2019 hard ride away at best and having just completed the most hellish cattle drive of my life, I am exhausted and without reserves.<\/p>\n

\u201cWe\u2019ll get there faster by stage,\u201d I hear someone say from far away\u2014like they\u2019re under water and then I slowly realize that I\u2019m the one under water and it\u2019s Candy, our foreman and my best friend, who is apparently above the surface and talking.\u00a0\u00a0What?<\/em><\/p>\n

We are weary, both of us, and I marvel at his ability to comprehend what is going on when I have not a clue.\u00a0 Even so Candy propels me by the elbow from the saloon where the messenger had found us to the stage office down the street and plops me on a bench.\u00a0 \u201cStay here,\u201d he says and then disappears.<\/p>\n

I look at the wire still clutched in my hands. It\u2019s from Paul Martin, our family physician back in Virginia City and my father\u2019s friend of nearly 35 years.\u00a0 \u201cYour father is dying.\u201d\u00a0\u00a0 That\u2019s all.\u00a0 Nothing about how or why; only implying death is imminent.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0Rhymes with liniment.<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0 Before I can fathom what Pa needs with liniment, Candy returns with a man who fusses at me until only Candy\u2019s intervention keeps me from slugging him.<\/p>\n

\u201cHe\u2019s in shock,\u201d I hear him say.\u00a0 \u201cKeep him warm and see that he gets some food and rest.\u201d<\/p>\n

From out of thin air, Candy produces a steaming mug and shoves it into my hands.\u00a0 I stare at it, not knowing what to do.\u00a0 \u201cDrink,\u201d he says.\u00a0 At first I wonder what he is talking about, but as he guides my hand to my face I smell the aroma of the strong brew.\u00a0 Trust him to know what I need; the coffee is laced with brandy and burns as it goes down.\u00a0 After a few gulps, I lean back against the wall and stare into the mug.\u00a0 Without warning the hot liquid starts to ripple and then begins to undulate.\u00a0 I find myself drawn further and further into the blackness until I am drowning in a\u00a0dark whirlpool.<\/p>\n

**********<\/p>\n

I awake suddenly as the stage careens around a bend, jerking wildly.\u00a0 I have no recollection of how I got here.\u00a0 I only know I have never in my life felt this tired, this depleted.\u00a0\u00a0 And cold.\u00a0 I shiver involuntarily.<\/p>\n

Sitting opposite, Candy reaches over tucking a heavy blanket in tight around me and then hands me a sandwich.\u00a0 \u201cEat,\u201d he orders.\u00a0 I am not hungry, but I have no energy to resist, so I eat.\u00a0 It\u2019s cheese.\u00a0\u00a0Hoss would hate this.<\/em><\/p>\n

We hit another bump and a box of some sort shifts poking Candy in the ribs prompting a mild expletive.\u00a0 I look around and see there are no other passengers, just cargo on this stage.\u00a0\u00a0 Candy reads my mind and grins.<\/p>\n

\u201cMail run.\u00a0 No stops until we get to Reno.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cReno?\u201d\u00a0 I am groggy and it takes a while to reconcile this information with what I remember of the last 24 hours.\u00a0\u00a0Oh, God!\u00a0 The telegram.\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cWhen?\u201d\u00a0 I ask.<\/p>\n

He rolls up the leather flap covering the window and studies the Nevada landscape in the pre-dawn light.\u00a0 \u201cFour.\u00a0 Maybe five hours.\u00a0\u00a0 I\u2019m guessing.\u201d<\/p>\n

I look as well, recognizing the terrain even in the grey dawn because\u2014unlike Candy\u2014I\u2019ve lived here my whole life.<\/p>\n

\u201cYes,\u201d I confirm.\u00a0 \u201cHow did you swing this?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI paid them by the pound,\u201d and he points to the luggage tags pinned to our shirts.\u00a0 \u201cIt\u2019s the rules,\u201d and he grins again.<\/p>\n

As I finish the last of the sandwich, he asks \u201c\u201cYou awake enough now to listen to me?\u201d<\/p>\n

I rub my hands over my face and sit up straight.\u00a0 He hands me a canteen and I pull a long drink, then settle into the corner of the coach out of the wind, shifting my weight and legs to get a more comfortable purchase against the jerking motion of the stage.\u00a0\u00a0 I look anywhere but at his face, as if avoiding eye contact will allow me to go on believing\u00a0 this is just a nightmare from which I will eventually awake, shaken but safe in my father\u2019s arms, comforted by the sound of my father\u2019s beating heart as I have been so many, many times.<\/p>\n

**********<\/p>\n

Candy<\/em><\/strong><\/h2>\n

“Joe?”\u00a0 I ask again.\u00a0 No response.\u00a0 The stupor he\u2019s been in since last night has not waned with the setting moon despite the doc\u2019s assurance that all he needed was some grub and shuteye.\u00a0 \u2018Course, all I managed to get down him was a couple slugs of whiskey before he passed out and the cheese sandwich didn\u2019t seem to be doing the trick.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m awake,\u201d he says finally, heaving a sigh.<\/p>\n

I don\u2019t quite believe him but I plunge ahead anyway. “I sent a wire to Griff asking him to send a wrangler with horses to the stage depot in Reno.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cGriff can\u2019t leave The Ponderosa.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHe won\u2019t.\u201d\u00a0 Griff is a young man who had saved Mr. Cartwright\u2019s life during a riot at the prison he was inspecting as a member of the Nevada State Penal Commission.\u00a0 In gratitude, Mr. Cartwright saw to it that Griff was paroled into his custody, but the conditions were that Griff could not leave The Ponderosa.\u00a0 Of course, at 1,000 square miles, that didn\u2019t exactly fence him in, although being \u201cconfined\u201d rankled Griff nonetheless. \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u201cI asked him to set up a relay.\u00a0 They’ll be wranglers with a fresh mount to meet you every 8-9 miles\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0like the Pony Express used to do, you know?”<\/p>\n

Joe nods and stifles a yawn.\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cAny word from Jamie or Doc Martin?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo, just Griff confirming the relay.\u201d\u00a0 Jamie is Joe\u2019s younger brother adopted by Mr. Cartwright a couple years ago.\u00a0 “You ought to get some more sleep.\u00a0 Gonna be a hard ride, even with fresh horses.”<\/p>\n

“I know the drill,” he replies as an almost imperceptible smile plays at the corner of his mouth.\u00a0 “I used to be a Pony Rider.”<\/p>\n

“No kidding?”\u00a0 I ask, genuinely surprised.\u00a0 Joe shifts and actually looks straight at me for the first time since the saloon.\u00a0 I can see that he is truly awake now.<\/p>\n

“Back in ’60.\u00a0 I was 18; got caught up in the adventure and excitement of it all after my father made a speech about the Pony Express being the biggest thing to happen in the West.”\u00a0 Joe stares out the window at nothing but memories.\u00a0\u00a0 “Pa was pissed as hell, but he could hardly refuse when he was not only an investor in the company, but served on the board of directors as well.\u201d\u00a0 Then he snickers, \u201cHoss told me later Pa said if he had been 25 years younger, he would have signed up, too.”<\/p>\n

“I\u2019ll bet.”\u00a0 I never cease to be amazed at the things Joe has done.\u00a0 Maybe that’s why we\u2019re best friends.\u00a0 Ain’t much I haven\u2019t tried in my life but I would never have had the gumption to ride for the Express, even if I could have passed the physical.\u00a0 Although Joe and I are the same age, at 6 feet, 170 lbs, I have two inches and a good 20-30 pounds on him.<\/p>\n

As if Joe had read my mind he says, “I was really too tall, but next to my Pa and brothers I looked short, and I made the 125 lb. weight restriction easily enough.\u00a0 That, and the other thing.”<\/p>\n

“What other thing?”<\/p>\n

“I was willing to play by the rules.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhich were?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBring the mail in on time or die trying.\u00a0 And the one thing I could do better than anyone else in the territory was ride like the wind.”\u00a0 Joe looked again out at the passing scenery.\u00a0 “Right along this route.\u00a0 We rode 100 miles in 10 hour shifts.\u00a0 Sometimes we were so short handed we had to ride two shifts back to back.”<\/p>\n

I let out a slow whistle.\u00a0 “No wonder your Pa was pissed … 20 hours in the saddle at a full gallop!”<\/p>\n

Joe huffed softly.\u00a0 “Pa didn’t know the half of it.\u00a0\u00a0 Hoss knew, but I kept it from Pa.\u00a0 I kept a lot of things from Pa in those days.”<\/p>\n

“At least you had Adam and Hoss to share things with.”<\/p>\n

“Yeah,” Joe said pensively, “used to.”<\/p>\n

“And now you have Jamie.\u201d<\/p>\n

“No,” sighed Joe.\u00a0 “Pa has Jamie\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0and now\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0Griff.”<\/p>\n

“You’re kidding,” I say, not believing what I am hearing.\u00a0 But I can see he is serious and, as the sun rises, it dawns on me that this may be a reason Joe has been spending so much time away from the ranch of late.\u00a0\u00a0Could it be Joe is jealous of Jamie?<\/em><\/p>\n

**********<\/p>\n

\u00a0Joe<\/em><\/strong><\/h2>\n

The window flap is still rolled up which makes it colder inside but helps me stay awake and allows us to enjoy the spectacular red orange sunrise.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0Red sky in morning, sailor\u2019s warning<\/em>.\u00a0 I stick my head out the window and look in the direction we are headed.\u00a0\u00a0 Sure enough, there are clouds over the mountains.<\/p>\n

“What?”\u00a0 Candy asks.<\/p>\n

“Storm comin\u2019,\u201d I say, \u201cProbably by noon.”\u00a0 The driver must have noticed, too, because we suddenly pick up pace and are fairly flying over the hard, flat surface of the road.<\/p>\n

I switch position so my feet are braced against the side of the coach and my back is pressed against a trunk that takes up the remainder of the seat.\u00a0 I roll my shoulders and crack my neck.\u00a0\u00a0What I wouldn’t give for hot coffee and a soft bed.<\/em><\/p>\n

“Who taught you about weather?”\u00a0 Candy wants to know.<\/p>\n

“Pa some\u2014from his sailing days\u2014and my brothers certainly on our camping trips.\u00a0 But mostly it was Hop Sing.”<\/p>\n

Candy raises an eyebrow at that so I explain, “Truly.\u00a0 The Chinese have been predicting weather since 300 B.C.\u00a0 See the way the top of the cloud is shaped like an anvil?”<\/p>\n

Candy twists in his seat so he can see what I am talking about.\u00a0 “Yeah.\u00a0 What of it?”<\/p>\n

“Caused by high winds.\u00a0\u00a0 Anvil usually points in the direction of the storm.\u00a0 The height of the cloud is a fair indicator of when it will hit.”<\/p>\n

\u201cAmazing.\u201d<\/p>\n

“After my Mama died, Hop Sing took care of me when Pa and Adam were working and Hoss was in school.\u00a0 He had a way of drawing a mental picture or weaving a story around any lesson so I could remember it.\u00a0 I thought it was just ’cause I was five and couldn\u2019t read, but he continued doing it even after I learned my letters.\u00a0 It was his way . . . talking in metaphors and proverbs . . . you know, \u2018Confucius say.\u2019\u00a0 He tried to teach me to make those Chinese characters, but I never could get the hang of it.\u201d<\/p>\n

Candy thinks that is funny.\u00a0\u00a0 “Deciphering your left-handed scribble in English is challenge enough!”<\/p>\n

“I was a quick study on the language though, and that pleased him.\u00a0 I don’t think the family ever caught on that I generally knew what he was shouting about.\u00a0 It was all gibberish to them, but I understood.\u00a0\u00a0 Funny thing.\u00a0\u00a0 He wasn’t angry, he was just talking.”<\/p>\n

“About what?”<\/p>\n

“Oh, everyday things\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0supplies to be ordered; chores that needed doing, telling me to take a bath or do my homework\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0ordinary stuff.\u00a0 He just made it seem like he was mad and ready to quit.\u201d\u00a0 I smile remembering and shake my head.\u00a0 \u201cThat could sure get Hoss going.”<\/p>\n

Candy laughs, “It sure could.\u00a0 Was Hoss always that gullible?”<\/p>\n

“Oh, yeah.\u00a0 Adam and I used to threaten him with Hop Sing’s departure all the time.\u00a0 Ironic that it was Adam who left in the long run . . . .\u00a0 Never figured I’d end up missing him as much as Mama,” I say wistfully.<\/p>\n

“But you still had Hoss and your Pa.”<\/p>\n

“I guess.”\u00a0And you, until you left<\/em>.<\/p>\n

Candy watches the sky for awhile, then settles back into his corner facing me.\u00a0 I can see he\u2019s got something on his mind so rather than close my eyes as my body is begging I do, I wait for it.<\/p>\n

“Why did you come?”<\/p>\n

It is not the question I expect.<\/p>\n

“Why did you come on the drive?” he asks again.<\/p>\n

“I had every right to be there,” I say defensively.<\/p>\n

“I’m not questioning your right to be there.\u00a0 I just want to know why.”<\/p>\n

“Why, what?\u00a0\u00a0 Why I don’t trust you to get the job done?\u00a0 Is that what you think?”\u00a0 I hear my voice rising.\u00a0 Candy’s on the other hand, becomes deeper, like Adam\u2019s used to.<\/p>\n

“No,” he says patiently.<\/p>\n

“What then?”<\/p>\n

“Maybe ‘what?’ is a better question.”<\/p>\n

“What do you mean by that?”<\/p>\n

“Come on, Joe.\u00a0 For the past year you’ve taken every opportunity to be anywhere but home.\u00a0 Buying trips, cattle drives, contract negotiations, sick friends, real estate ventures\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0. whatever comes up, even if it could be handled by letter or wire, or by somebody else entirely you use it as an excuse to leave.\u00a0 And not just leave, but stay away longer than necessary.\u00a0\u00a0 Like this cattle drive.\u00a0 I\u2019d like to know why.\u00a0 What are you trying to avoid?\u00a0 What\u2019s going on in that head of yours?”<\/p>\n

My head feels like it is exploding.\u00a0\u00a0Red sky in morning; sailor’s warning.<\/em><\/p>\n

The best defense is a good offense, so I launch it, “So you’re blaming me?\u00a0 That it’s all my fault that Pa’s dead?\u00a0 That I could have prevented it by being there?”<\/p>\n

“First of all, we don\u2019t know that he\u2019s dead,\u201d Candy says patiently.\u00a0 \u201cHe could be healing by now.\u00a0 Second of all, we don’t know what happened, Joe.\u00a0\u00a0 It could have been his heart, or a stroke, or an accident.\u00a0\u00a0 Whatever it is, chances are your being there couldn’t have prevented it, but your being there afterwards could make a difference in his recovery.”<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd it\u2019s my fault we\u2019re on this stage right now?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo.\u00a0\u00a0 I put us on this stage because it is faster than horseback.\u00a0 After we finished the drive, it was your decision to ride home instead of taking the train which would have gotten us back to the ranch a week ago.\u201d<\/p>\n

Low blow, Candy.<\/em>\u00a0 I glare at him until my eyes begin to cross, but he doesn\u2019t blink and I am the first to turn away.<\/p>\n

“He doesn’t need me there .\u00a0 He’s got Jamie,”\u00a0 I say under my breath.<\/p>\n

“That’s the second time you’ve said it,\u201d Candy retorts.<\/p>\n

\u201cCome again?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou said earlier that your Pa had Jamie and Griff.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd you, don\u2019t forget you, Mr. Foreman!\u201d\u00a0 I lash out irrationally.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ll ignore that because you\u2019re exhausted and you don\u2019t know what you\u2019re saying.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDon\u2019t do me any favors.\u00a0 I know what I see.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd what is that, exactly?\u201d Candy fires back.\u00a0 \u201cWhat do you think you see?\u00a0 How much Jamie worships you?\u00a0 How your father bursts with pride every time he looks at you?\u00a0 How much the men like working for you?<\/p>\n

\u201cStop it.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou can\u2019t keep this up, Joe.\u00a0 You thought this was a hard cattle drive, but it really wasn\u2019t.\u00a0 You just weren\u2019t up to it.\u00a0 You might fool the men, but you can\u2019t fool me.\u00a0\u00a0 I\u2019ve been riding with you for the better part of the last month, day in and day out.\u00a0 I\u2019ve seen you struggle with the simplest tasks.\u00a0 And don\u2019t forget I paid the freight on your skinny ass . . . 138 lbs, Joe!\u00a0\u00a0 What the hell is going on with you?!\u201d<\/p>\n

Candy\u2019s right.\u00a0\u00a0I\u2019m not the man I used to be.\u00a0 No longer a younger brother, no longer a mother\u2019s son, no longer a husband, no longer a father.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cWhat are you running from?\u201d he asks, and in that query I hear genuine concern.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat are you afraid of, Joe?<\/p>\n

I turn away, hot tears coursing down my cheek pressed against the rocking stage.\u00a0 I close my eyes and allow the red sky to swallow me.<\/p>\n

*<\/em>*********<\/p>\n

Candy<\/em><\/strong><\/h2>\n

If we were anywhere else, Joe would have pounded me to a pulp with that wicked left hook of his.\u00a0 But instead, given his exhaustion and the close confines of the coach all he did was roll toward the seat back pulling the blanket over his head signaling an end to our discussion.\u00a0 His silence was more unnerving than if he had hit me.<\/p>\n

Seems you’re still keeping things inside, Joe.\u00a0\u00a0<\/em>And, looking out the window once more, it was my turn to seek memories in the early morning haze.<\/p>\n

I didn\u2019t get a chance to know Adam, but I saw up close and personal how close half-brothers Hoss and Joe were\u2014closer than any full-blood brothers I’d ever met.\u00a0 That was one thing that had interested me when I first met the Cartwrights . . . a familial relationship unlike anything I had ever known personally or witnessed elsewhere.\u00a0\u00a0 Yes, I was intrigued and eventually even envious, I suppose.\u00a0 Joe and Hoss treated me like a brother and I worked hard to earn Mr.\u00a0Cartwright\u2019s respect, but through no fault of theirs, I still felt like an outsider.<\/p>\n

At one point I got to feeling so low that I had to break away, so I left for a time, resuming my nomadic life much as a tumbleweed drifting here and there as the wind blew me.\u00a0 It surprised the hell out of me when I realized I was actually homesick\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0homesick for The Ponderosa!\u00a0\u00a0 Who’d have ever thought an army brat like me would long for roots.\u00a0 But about two years after I left and shortly after Hoss had died, I ran into Joe in Sacramento and I knew it was time to go back.\u00a0 Everyone missed me, Joe said.\u00a0 He never said it straight out, but I understood that they needed me as well.\u00a0 So I returned and it felt good to be back.\u00a0 I had no idea right then just how the family\u2014and Joe in particular\u2014would need me in the months that followed.<\/p>\n

Within a few short weeks of my return, Joe announced out of the blue that he was getting married.\u00a0\u00a0 I wasn’t too sure about the timing, thinking maybe Joe was just trying to fill the void created by Hoss\u2019s death, but Mr. Cartwright and Jamie were ecstatic and believed Joe was really smitten with Alice Harper so I put my reservations aside and was happy for them all.<\/p>\n

And for awhile they all were.\u00a0 Mr. Cartwright invited me to move into the main house with him and Jamie, and ranch life resumed its normal hectic pace as spring moved into summer.\u00a0\u00a0 Married life seemed to agree with Joe.\u00a0 He and Alice had built a little yellow house with white trim not too far away and we were either over there or they were at the main house so often that we wore a path through the field separating the houses.\u00a0\u00a0 When Alice and Joe announced they would be parents in the new year, we didn\u2019t think life could get much better.\u00a0\u00a0 But it could get a whole lot worse and in short order, it did.<\/p>\n

While Joe was at the main house picking up lumber for the nursery, the little house caught fire.\u00a0\u00a0 Recent rains had turned the new path into a rutted mess and Joe, Jamie, and I were joking and laughing as we bounced merrily along on the way to supper.\u00a0 Joe was the first one to see the flames licking through the trees.\u00a0\u00a0“My God!”\u00a0<\/em>was all I heard him say before he turned the wagon and, whipping the horses furiously, forged a more direct route to the house.<\/p>\n

As long as I live, I will never forget the look of horror on Jamie’s face nor the sound of Joe screaming\u00a0“Alice!”<\/em>\u00a0over and over again as with bare hands he tore burning boards away from the red hot frame in an effort to get inside the inferno.\u00a0 But the house was already gone, and with it Alice, their unborn child, and everything Joe lived for.<\/p>\n

In the days that followed, a numbness settled over the household.\u00a0 As foreman, I continued to oversee ranch operations.\u00a0 Jamie buried himself in chores.\u00a0 Hop Sing banged pots and pans in the kitchen, but was otherwise atypically silent.\u00a0 Joe was back in his old room, bandaged and sedated with Mr. Cartwright hovering nearby, but keeping what seemed to me to be an uncharacteristic distance from his son, as if physically comforting him might somehow cause Joe to shatter.\u00a0 Then abruptly Joe left without saying goodbye . . . at least to me; I don\u2019t know about his father or Jamie.<\/p>\n

It was after Joe was gone that I learned Sheriff Clem Foster had told Mr.\u00a0Cartwright a second body was found in the debris.\u00a0 A man\u2019s body.\u00a0 We had no idea who it was.<\/p>\n

A little over a month later, Joe galloped into the front yard and stormed into the house.\u00a0 He was a wreck physically\u2014gaunt, unshaven, and more angry than I have ever seen him.\u00a0 He had a music box with him; his mother\u2019s music box that he had given to Alice as a wedding present.\u00a0\u00a0 Joe didn\u2019t say a word, but I recognized what it meant before Jamie did .\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0the fire was set to cover a robbery and that meant Alice had been murdered!<\/p>\n

As Mr. Cartwright was in Carson City, there was no question that I would be the one to ride with Joe to track the thieves.\u00a0 We crisscrossed the roads hitting every town from Virginia City to San Francisco, picking up more clues along the way.\u00a0 I watched Joe disintegrate piece by piece as each part of the puzzle was revealed and we learned what had happened to Alice in her final hours.\u00a0 Aside from the night of the fire, it was the most heart wrenching thing I\u2019ve ever witnessed and it took everything I had to hold that man together.<\/p>\n

I turn from the window to look at Joe now and realize I am still holding him together.\u00a0 And it occurs to me that if his father dies, there is not enough glue in the world to prevent Joe\u2019s total disintegration.<\/p>\n

**********<\/p>\n

\u00a0Joe<\/em><\/strong><\/h2>\n

What are you afraid of?<\/em><\/p>\n

The question echoes in my dream.\u00a0 Rocked by the movement of the stagecoach, I\u2019m engulfed in a sea of red that pulsates like a beating heart.\u00a0 I see the faces of those I\u2019ve loved and lost in my life floating in the twilight of my subconscious\u2014those that broke my heart like Emily and those who were taken from me like Mama, Hoss, and Alice\u2014sweet Alice\u2014and our baby, and so many others\u2014Julia, Amy, Laura, Sally.\u00a0 And there\u2019s Adam who drifts in and out as he leaves, returns, and leaves again.\u00a0\u00a0 Even Candy\u2014who never promised to stay forever\u2014flickers in and out like a candle in the wind.<\/p>\n

In the wick I see the briefest hint of green which quickly fades for it is true . . .\u00a0 I am not jealous of Jamie or Griff and because of that the green turns to black and into the blackness I see myself falling, falling into nothingness.\u00a0 I don\u2019t know who I am anymore; neither husband nor father, youngest brother or youngest son; I have no place to call home.\u00a0 I am unneeded and unloved.\u00a0 A yellow house swirls above me as if caught in an eddy.\u00a0 I hear a baby crying and music playing; then the house bursts into flame which turns into a red river of blood, and the music becomes a tom-tom.<\/p>\n

In the red river I see a rider on a black stallion trying desperately to hold its head above the current.\u00a0 As the rider approaches, the tom-tom becomes a beating heart and I see that the rider is Pa.<\/p>\n

I scream.<\/p>\n

**********<\/p>\n

Candy<\/em><\/strong><\/h2>\n

I awake as soon as I hear Joe call for his Pa.\u00a0 He is still sleeping, but breathing heavily as if fighting someone or something.\u00a0\u00a0 I had hoped he would rest easy, for the last leg of our journey to The Ponderosa will be harder in the rain which is just now beginning to fall.<\/p>\n

I wasn\u2019t kidding when I said he is too thin.\u00a0 I was shocked when they weighed us at the freight office and I saw he was down at least 20 lbs.\u00a0 The loss of Hoss and Alice has taken more of a physical toll than I had realized.\u00a0 I wonder if his Pa knows, but somehow I doubt it and perhaps that, too, is a reason Joe has stayed away .\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0.<\/p>\n

\u201cJoe,\u201d I poke him with my foot.<\/p>\n

He groans and turns his head.<\/p>\n

\u201cCome on, old buddy.\u00a0 Time to rise and shine.\u201d\u00a0 I pull out the canteen and nudge him with it.\u00a0 \u201cWe\u2019re here.\u00a0 Have a swig.\u201d<\/p>\n

The station master is startled to see passengers climb out of the coach and starts to yell at the drivers, but then sees the luggage tags pinned to our chests and laughs heartily.\u00a0 He points to the loading dock and tells us to go and get checked in.<\/p>\n

I make Joe go first and then send him to the washroom to get cleaned up while I go order us some grub in the caf\u00e9 next door.\u00a0 He doesn\u2019t argue with me which is surprising given our last conversation, but I figure he is still groggy as he has never been known to wake up easy.<\/p>\n

The hot coffee is ready when Joe emerges looking\u2014if not totally alert\u2014at least more refreshed.\u00a0 He presses his fists against his lower back, thrusts out his chest and stretches from side to side then drops into the chair next to me with a groan.<\/p>\n

Picking up the mug with both hands, he inhales the aroma before swallowing.\u00a0 Then he chokes, eyes wide open and fully awake.<\/p>\n

\u201cPuts hair on your chest,\u201d I say grinning.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou could have warned me,\u201d he gasps.\u00a0 Joe is still sputtering when plates of eggs, bacon, sausage, and biscuits arrive.\u00a0 I dig right in, but he pushes the food around without much interest.<\/p>\n

I start to speak, but decide to leave it alone.\u00a0 I\u2019ve said enough already.\u00a0\u00a0 Perhaps this time I\u2019ve irrevocably crossed the line between employee and friend.\u00a0\u00a0 Well . . . I\u2019ll get him home and then move on, if that\u2019s what he wants.<\/p>\n

I glance at the clock and Joe catches my movement.\u00a0 \u201cThe horses?\u201d he questions.<\/p>\n

\u201cThey\u2019ll be here.\u00a0 We got in ahead of schedule.\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe nods, then takes a deep breath and blows it out through puffed cheeks.\u00a0 Look,\u201d he begins.<\/p>\n

Uh-oh, it\u2019s never a good sign when a sentence begins with \u201clook.\u201d<\/em>\u00a0 I keep eating, choosing not to make eye contact which doesn\u2019t seem to matter anyway because out of the corner of my eye I can see he is intently focused on his plate.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ve been thinking,\u201d he continues.\u00a0\u00a0Here it comes . . . my walking papers.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019re right.\u00a0 I shouldn\u2019t have come on the drive . . . and I have been away too much, but not for the reasons you think.\u201d<\/p>\n

I can see he\u2019s struggling to find the right words, his face a mass of conflicting emotions.<\/p>\n

\u201cGo on,\u201d I encourage, reaching for another biscuit.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m happy Jamie is a Cartwright.\u00a0 We all\u2014Pa, Hoss, and me\u2014agreed about the adoption.\u00a0 And I\u2019m grateful to Griff for saving Pa\u2019s life.\u00a0 He\u2019s a little too cocky for his own good . . . but so was I at that age.\u00a0 He\u2019ll do fine, and I know Pa\u2019s pleased with his efforts since he\u2019s been on the ranch.\u00a0 It\u2019s good Pa has them to fuss over; you know what a mother hen he can be.\u00a0 He needs them.\u201d<\/p>\n

I put down my fork and knife with a sigh.\u00a0 \u201cHe needs\u00a0you<\/em>, Joe.\u00a0\u00a0 Sure, he loves Jamie and he is genuinely fond of Griff, and maybe even me a little.\u00a0 But his heart beats for you.\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe finally looks at me, green eyes wet with unshed tears, searching . . .\u00a0for what?<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cWhat are you afraid of, Joe?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t know.\u201d\u00a0 He shakes his head.\u00a0 \u201cAdam said Pa went off the deep end when Mama died and when he surfaced, he buried himself in ranch work.\u00a0\u00a0 Maybe . . . maybe that\u2019s what I\u2019ve been doing.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHave you talked to him about it?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhy?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t know.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cMaybe you should.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI can\u2019t.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhy can\u2019t you?\u00a0 Seems to me your Pa is the kind of person who will listen.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m too much of a reminder of all he\u2019s lost.\u00a0 He doesn\u2019t need that kind of pain again.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd that\u2019s why you stay away?\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe hangs his head and nods yes, then shakes his head no, then yes again.\u00a0 \u201cI don\u2019t know,\u201d he says again.\u00a0 \u201cI only know I keep failing him.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t see how.\u00a0 You\u2019re a reminder of all the good in his life; his love for your ma, the joy of raising sons who grew into fine men.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou weren\u2019t there, Candy.\u00a0 You didn\u2019t see him age 10 years the instant I told him Hoss was never coming home again.\u00a0 You didn\u2019t see the recrimination in his eyes.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo, but I was there when Alice died.\u00a0\u00a0 I witnessed what he went through; what you both went through.\u00a0 He wanted to help you, but you ran—\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI came back,\u201d he interrupts.<\/p>\n

\u201c—away and you\u2019ve been running ever since,\u201d\u00a0 I finish.<\/p>\n

I settle back in my seat and look at him, elbows on the table, face in his hands.\u00a0 I don\u2019t have a clue what he is searching for.\u00a0 \u201cWhat do you want, Joe?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t want to see red anymore,\u201d he chokes.<\/p>\n

\u201cJoe, you\u2019re tired.\u00a0 You\u2019re not talking straight.\u00a0 Let\u2019s get you home to your Pa and when he\u2019s better, you\u2019ll work this out together.\u00a0\u00a0 Okay?\u00a0 Come on, old buddy, what is it you need?\u00a0 More coffee?<\/p>\n

\u201cI need to go home,\u201d he sighs.<\/p>\n

\u201cThen eat up while I get our gear.\u201d<\/p>\n

**********<\/p>\n

\u00a0Joe<\/em><\/strong><\/h2>\n

I know I should eat, but the food is now cold and congealed and I gag just looking at it.\u00a0\u00a0 After signaling for more coffee, I slap bacon on a biscuit and shove the plate away.\u00a0 The second cup doesn\u2019t seem as strong, or maybe I\u2019m just getting used to it; either way I drink it and eat the biscuit.<\/p>\n

What am I afraid of?\u00a0\u00a0<\/em>Candy\u2019s question rattles around in my mind.<\/p>\n

I lied.\u00a0 I do know what I\u2019m afraid of.<\/p>\n

How about being the last one left standing?\u00a0 No parents; no brothers; no wife or child; no friends\u2014oh, lots of acquaintances and folks I\u2019m friendly with\u2014but no bosom buddy that will be there always.\u00a0 Oh, I know.\u00a0 Candy\u2019s that friend, but it\u2019s the \u201calways\u201d part that\u2019s the rub.\u00a0 He comes and goes as he pleases and I\u2019m afraid.\u00a0 Afraid he\u2019ll leave, too.\u00a0 Afraid of becoming a bitter and self-centered old man.\u00a0 Afraid of never feeling safe again.\u00a0 Afraid of winding up alone and unloved.<\/p>\n

**********<\/p>\n

Candy<\/em><\/strong><\/h2>\n

The rain has let up but a dreary mist has settled over us the same color as the grey horse Joe chooses from the remuda just delivered by a Ponderosa wrangler. The horses appear fresh and I figure they must have come from North Ranch which is closer by half than the distance from here to the main house.<\/p>\n

“Well done, Billy,” I say, gesturing at the horses.\u00a0 He has learned a lot under Joe’s tutelage and is on his way to becoming a first-rate horseman.\u00a0 Billy smiles in acknowledgment, but otherwise remains silent.\u00a0 “Any news?” I ask quietly.<\/p>\n

“Not good.\u00a0 It’s his heart,” Billy whispers back to me while glancing furtively at Joe who is retrieving our saddles from where I left them outside the caf\u00e9 door.\u00a0 His blue eyes widen as he takes in Joe’s appearance. “Is he alright?” he asks.<\/p>\n

Taking the reins of a sorrel for myself, I start to move away, “He will be when he gets home,” I reply, though I don’t know how convincing I sound.<\/p>\n

“Candy,” he says and the way he says it catches at me.\u00a0 I stop short, turn, and lock eyes with him.\u00a0 I am struck by the fact that Billy’s blue eyes have suddenly turned as seriously grey as the world closing in on us.\u00a0 “He needs to hurry.”<\/p>\n

My gut tightens at the urgency in Billy’s voice.\u00a0 I nod in response and motion him away with a jerk of my head.<\/p>\n

I had been surprised when Joe picked the grey, but now I see that her size is right for him at this weight and I recall his comments about the mare\u2019s agility and responsiveness when he was first working her.<\/p>\n

He finishes checking the cinch for the umpteenth time, grabs the reins and rests his left hand on the pommel but doesn’t mount.<\/p>\n

I tell him not to wait for us; that we will follow retrieving the horses as we go, but he doesn’t budge.\u00a0 I move in behind him and place my hand on his shoulder.\u00a0 “Ready, old buddy?”<\/p>\n

He closes his eyes and I can feel his muscles tremble.\u00a0 No swing mount today.\u00a0 Instead he puts his foot in the stirrup and slowly, almost painfully, hauls himself into the saddle and then just sits there.<\/p>\n

The rain has started again and as I look up at him, I want to tell him that everything will be all right.\u00a0 Instead I say,<\/p>\n

“Time to ride.”<\/p>\n

Gazing upwards at the dark grey sky, he takes a deep breath, blows it out slowly, and looks down at me\u2014face wet with rain or tears\u2014I can’t tell.<\/p>\n

“Like the wind,” he whispers and is off.<\/p>\n

**********<\/p>\n

\u00a0Joe<\/em><\/strong><\/h2>\n

Billy and Griff did a good job picking the mounts.\u00a0 Each one was compact, swift and sure-footed which in the driving rain was a blessing beyond measure as I made the transfer from one horse to another at the relay points.\u00a0 But they were newly broke and needed constant guidance over\u2014to them\u2014unfamiliar territory.\u00a0 As I approach the last relay stop, I am painfully aware that I still have 10 miles to go and I don\u2019t think I have it in me to continue.<\/p>\n

And then I see him.<\/p>\n

Griff\u2014standing in the wind and rain for God knows how long\u2014beside a make-shift lean-to sheltering Cochise.<\/p>\n

I literally fall out of the saddle into Griff\u2019s arms and he half carries, half drags me to Cochise and pushes me into the saddle.\u00a0 Now, thankfully, all I have to do is hold on as my faithful paint races forward on one simple voice command . . .\u00a0home.<\/em><\/p>\n

**********<\/p>\n

Except for the ticking of the grandfather clock in the great room, the house is quiet.\u00a0\u00a0 Coming from the frigid air, the heat from the raging fire in the mammoth fireplace assaults me even from the doorway.\u00a0 As I remove my slicker and hang it on the coat rack by the door, dizziness and nausea engulf me and I bend over with my gloved hands splayed upon my knees. \u00a0I lean against the credenza trying to slow my breathing and I watch rain drip in slow motion from my hat onto the polished hardwood floor.\u00a0 Hop Sing will not be pleased.\u00a0\u00a0 I remove my gloves and swipe at the floor in a cursory attempt to mop up the evidence.<\/p>\n

And then I hear it .\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0a keening wail of unmistakable sorrow that curdles my blood and refocuses my attention. \u00a0Pa.<\/em><\/p>\n

I run across the room stripping hat and jacket off as I go, taking the stairs two at a time, lungs still paralyzed with cold making it hard to breathe.\u00a0 By the time I reach the top of the stairs, my legs feel like I\u2019m walking through quicksand and I trip, catching myself on the antique trunk.\u00a0\u00a0 The wailing is coming from the room at the end of the hall.\u00a0 Pa\u2019s room.<\/em><\/p>\n

As I stumble down the hallway, I see Paul Martin to the right of the bed pulling his stethoscope away from his ears, shoulders sagging, tears running unabated down his haggard and stubbled face.<\/p>\n

He looks up as I crash into the door frame gasping for air, but turns away, unable to look me in the eye and say the words I dread.\u00a0 But I only have to look to the left and see Jamie in the chair by the bed, head in hands sobbing uncontrollably to know what has happened.<\/p>\n

In spite of everything .\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0all everyone did to get me here\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0. I am too late.<\/p>\n

I force myself to look at the bed which dominates the room.\u00a0\u00a0Pa\u2019s bed.<\/em>\u00a0 Someone has crossed Pa\u2019s arms across his chest in unnatural repose and closed his eyes.<\/p>\n

NO!<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0I think.\u00a0 This isn\u2019t right.\u00a0 This can\u2019t be happening.<\/em>\u00a0 The terror that I\u2019ve managed to keep at bay for the last two days bursts forth uncontrolled.<\/p>\n

\u201cNO! \u201c I scream out loud in fear and launch myself across the room, ripping Jamie from the chair and kicking it aside so I can kneel on the bed.\u00a0 I grab each of Pa\u2019s hands in mine and hold them to either side of my face, but his fingers are already cold.\u00a0 I move my hands down to his wrists and place them around my neck, but his arms fall limply to his side.\u00a0 I pick them up and try again and again, but there is no embrace; no loving arms to enfold me and make this nightmare end.<\/p>\n

\u201cNO!\u201d\u00a0 I scream again this time in anger.\u00a0\u00a0Don\u2019t you dare leave me!\u00a0 Not you, too.<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0Why does everyone I love leave me?<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0 I clench my fist and pound the center of him.\u00a0\u00a0Mama.<\/em>\u00a0 Again.\u00a0\u00a0Hoss.<\/em>\u00a0 And again.\u00a0\u00a0Alice.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cNo.\u201d\u00a0 I sob as I place my hands palm down and lean into him, stroking his broad chest, willing it to rise and fall again.\u00a0\u00a0Please.\u00a0\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m here, Pa.\u00a0 I won\u2019t stay away anymore.\u00a0 Please .\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0please look at me.\u00a0 Please talk to me.\u201d\u00a0 I run my hands around to his back and try to lift him to my own heaving chest.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0Please don\u2019t leave me.\u00a0 I still need you.\u00a0 I need you to love me.\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

But in my exhausted state he is too heavy to lift and so I lay him down gently.\u00a0\u00a0Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0 I pray\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cPa,\u201d I sob.<\/p>\n

There is only silence.\u00a0\u00a0There is no one left to love me.<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0I am alone.<\/em><\/p>\n

Closing my eyes, I lay my head upon his chest and am awash anew in memories of the times my father\u2019s heartbeat has sustained me, providing strength for me to continue when others said I couldn\u2019t possibly survive.<\/p>\n

I smile as I remember all the times his hand has stroked my head, telling me I was safe.<\/p>\n

The day will come when my father\u2019s heart is stilled forever, but mercifully that day is not today.<\/p>\n

I hear a whisper.<\/p>\n

\u201cJoe.\u201d<\/p>\n

I raise my head to see warm brown eyes looking at me.\u00a0 Burying my face in his neck, I feel his hand upon my head and know I am safe once more.<\/p>\n

\u201cJoe,\u201d he whispers again, and I know with every beat of his heart I am not alone .\u00a0.\u00a0. I am\u00a0still loved.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

–The End–<\/p>\n

Cheaux
\nDecember 2009<\/p>\n

Author\u2019s Notes:<\/p>\n

The Pony Express operated from April 1860 to October 1861.\u00a0 The two-part episode (\u201cRide With The Wind\u201d) aired in 1965, in theory placing the episode in 1865 and Joe at 23.\u00a0 But since the episode itself references the \u201ccoming\u201d secession (which happened in January of 1861) , I chose to use 1860 in order to place Joe within the age and weight limits (18 years, 125 lbs.)<\/p>\n

North Ranch is mentioned in Season 13, Episode 406.<\/p>\n

This classic prayer from the 18th Century, published in The New England Primer in 1725, is still recited today.<\/p>\n

Now I lay me down to sleep,
\n<\/em>I pray the Lord my soul to keep;
\n<\/em>Should I die before I wake,
\n<\/em>I pray the Lord my soul to take.<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Summary:\u00a0\u00a0After a cattle drive Joe receives a heartbreaking telegram from the Ponderosa…<\/p>\n

Rated:\u00a0 T \u00a0— \u00a0WC \u00a06800<\/p>\n

Part of the My Father’s Heartbeat Series, links to stories included within<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":9,"featured_media":6064,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"template-full-width-post.php","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2},"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_members_access_role":[],"_members_access_error":""},"categories":[1015,23],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-6548","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-joe-pa","category-drama","wpcat-1015-id","wpcat-23-id"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/05\/Los-Robles-02.jpg?fit=471%2C350&ssl=1","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6548","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/9"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=6548"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6548\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/6064"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=6548"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=6548"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=6548"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}