Summary: News that Adam has died reaches the Ponderosa … but how well founded is the rumour? Is there a happy ever after ending for Ben and all his sons?<\/p>\n
Rated: K+ (10,620 words)<\/p>\n
The final page contains the comments\/reviews from the Old BonanzaBrand Library.<\/p>\n
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I Shall Cherish You Forever<\/strong><\/p>\n \u201cWhat\u2019s on your mind, Pa?\u201d<\/p>\n The young man looked anxiously at his father and paused in the act of polishing his saddle. In the stalls Cochise and Buck tugged at hay from the suspended haybags and crunched methodically over their meal. Out in the corral Sport and Chub chased each other\u2019s tails and then settled down to groom each other.<\/p>\n Ben\u2019s brow furrowed slightly as he surveyed the scene and then he shrugged and shook his head,\u00a0\u201cI don\u2019t rightly know what is on my mind, Joseph.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYou looked miles away.\u201d<\/p>\n Joe had spoken gently, but kept his eyes down at his saddle. Perhaps he had no real reason to have asked, perhaps he had known where his father\u2019s mind was at the present time. He sighed and chewed his bottom lip. Since Adam had left the Ponderosa three years ago, a lot had changed. Having said that he had to admit that a lot had remained unchanged as well, and that was a good thing.<\/p>\n Darn, but they had missed Adam. Someone had said that it was only a matter of moving a chair away from the table and getting on with life. Then Candy had appeared in their lives and become part of the family \u2013 a kind of surrogate elder brother. But now he had chosen to move on as well. Joe gently smoothed in more of the wax polish and rubbed at it gently with the duster. Strange how close he had become to Candy. Some people said he was just taking Adam\u2019s place, but he could have told them that was not so. Candy was \u2013 well, Candy was Candy and quite different from Adam.<\/p>\n He had come at the right time too. Riding in just when Ben was getting increasingly irritated and irritating. Joe shook his head at the memory \u2013 they had been tough months. No one had pretended that Adam\u2019s going would not be a loss, and Joe had thumped the guy who had made that idiotic comment about moving the chair. The fact is, no one divorces oneself from a guy who had flesh and blood connections. Someone who had been around all of one\u2019s lifetime. Sure, Adam was a serious minded man who took things too sensitively and too intensely, but for all that, he was a man to be admired, respected. Joe had never realised just how much of a role model Adam had been in his life until a few weeks after Adam had ridden out of their lives.<\/p>\n Ben leaned against the corral fence and watched the two horses. He could recall the time when he, Adam and Hoss had brought them in and watched them milling around with a batch of other wild eyed stallions. Hoss had been perched on the top rail chewing on a blade of grass, and Adam had been leaning against the fencing and they had both pointed the horses out that they wanted to ride.<\/p>\n \u201cThat\u2019s the one for me.\u201d Adam had said, his voice higher pitched than usual due to the excitement in finding such a splendid beast, \u201cHe\u2019s strong and confident and has spirit. That\u2019s one thing I don\u2019t want him ever to lose \u2013 .\u201d and his voice had trailed off in admiration as his eyes had followed Sport around the corral.<\/p>\n As though understanding the rancher\u2019s thoughts Sport paused in his act of grooming his friend and trotted towards the fence. He pushed with his big head against the man\u2019s shoulder and then nodded. His handsome rawboned face went up and down several times before he returned to gallop round the corral again.<\/p>\n \u201cI guess you miss him too, huh, boy?\u201d Ben muttered and with a shake of his head, he turned back towards the house, his hands in his pockets and his chin down upon his chest. He looked the picture of dejection.<\/p>\n Joe watched his father anxiously and stopped polishing the saddle to walk over to the barn where Hoss was working on fastening a new door. Hoss looked at his younger brother and frowned, then set the door down carefully. He had the hinges all screwed in now and it just needed for him to marry them up to the door frame where he had neatly chiselled out where the hinges had to be placed.<\/p>\n \u201cWhat\u2019s wrong?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cPa.\u201d Joe said in reply and he glanced over his shoulder to see whether or not Ben was anywhere in ear shot.<\/p>\n \u201cIs he still moping around?\u201d Hoss wiped sweat from his brow and frowned. He had found it difficult to handle the depths of depression his father had sunk into after Adams leaving. Being a gentle, tender hearted man himself, he yearned for Adam\u2019s return and earnestly felt the pain his father was feeling, and had felt incapable of helping him address the matter.<\/p>\n When he had got really miserable about Adam\u2019s departure he had just taken himself off to the lake. He had a spot there that he loved, and for some reason it was the place he went to whenever he felt really desolate \u2013 like when he had lost his loved one, and Adam had gone.<\/p>\n Although he had not struck up as close a friendship with Candy as Joe had, Hoss had enjoyed having the man around the place. It had not taken over Adam\u2019s position in his life, no one could have done that, but Candy had helped ease the gap.<\/p>\n Now he was gone and the void had opened up before them again. Ben had started saying \u201cWhen Adam was here \u2013.\u201d \u201cIf your brother were here -.\u201d \u201cDo you remember -.\u201d Oh, those were the worse moments. The \u2018Do you remembers-?\u201d because there was so much to remember and dwelling on them had made the matter even worse.<\/p>\n Still, there were the letters. Thank goodness for the letters. Hoss rolled his blue eyes at his brother and tapped him on the chest,.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019ll ride into town and see if there\u2019s any mail. We\u2019re due some letters from Adam.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYeah, maybe he will have remembered to write to us while he was frolicking away there in Paris.\u201d Joe grinned, although his eyes were still anxious and he was still looking concernedly over at the house.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019ll go now. If there\u2019s any letters from Adam, that\u2019ll cheer Pa up and make him feel a heap better.\u201d<\/p>\n He pulled off the leather apron he had been wearing to protect himself and slung it over the door, mentally telling himself that he could do that particular job when he returned.<\/p>\n Joe knew that Hoss was right. Letters from their brother always cheered them and the news was always delivered in a light hearted way that always made Ben declare that Adam should have devoted his life to writing rather than seamanship. The youngest Cartwright heaved a sigh and shook his head. Once again he wished more than ever that Adam had stayed home.<\/p>\n **********<\/p>\n Adam Cartwright signed his name at the bottom of the page and then re-read through what had been penned down. He loved writing these missives to his family. A letter for his father, and one for Hoss and then one for Joe. Each one covering events and considerations relative only to that person and written in the way that person would most appreciate. He folded the letter carefully and slipped it into the envelope.<\/p>\n For a moment he held the envelopes in his hand and looked at them. Did they miss him? Joe\u2019s letters were always full of his friend, Candy, and a brother less intuitive than Adam could have wondered if this other young man had taken his place in his youngest brother\u2019s affections. Hoss was the most open hearted in his letters, which were always short and to the point. He was the only one who, even now, told Adam he was an idiot for leaving home before telling him all about the latest misadventures with Joe, and, of course, Candy.<\/p>\n Pa wrote \u2013 well, he wrote tender letters full of good sound advice and counsel. He wrote about his days at sea and of some of his own mishaps during that time, which had the effect of reminding his son of the many evenings they had shared together on that long trek to the Ponderosa. It was during those evenings that Ben had taught Adam how to navigate by the stars and what it was like to sail in a clipper ship. Perhaps it had been those evenings that had first nurtured his love for the sea. Times when he had dreams of cresting waves in a ship with the sails billowiing above him and the clap of the wind as it drifted through the masts.<\/p>\n There was a tap on the door and the young Midshipman peered into the cabin with a grin on his freckled face,<\/p>\n \u201cFinished writing, sir?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cHaven\u2019t you learned to salute yet, young man?\u201d Adam scowled darkly at Rawlins, who looked apprehensive and then gave the senior officer a smart salute. Adam smiled and handed over the letters, \u201cDon\u2019t forget in future, lad. There\u2019s some on board not as prepared to turn a blind eye as I am.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNo, sir. Thank you, sir.\u201d Another smart salute and then the boy was gone.<\/p>\n Adam frowned slightly and thought of the boys who joined a ships company at such young ages. His own father had been such a one, as had Grandfather Stoddard. They would work their way up the ranks year by year, until they individually reached their zenith. He stood up and walked to the small cabin window and looked out at the view beyond.<\/p>\n At times he longed to see the trees and mountains of the Ponderosa again. It made him sick at heart to think about it at times. How contrary life can be. Having gained the object of his longings he found that in possessing it, he now longed for that which he had spurned. He turned away and opened the door in order to mount the steps to the upper deck.<\/p>\n The ship creaked listlessly. He ran his hand along the bulwark and felt the smoothness of wood beneath his fingers. He had a good chippie on board, and a fine doctor. He bit on his bottom lip as he thought of his other officers. Well, beggers could not be choosers, and all he could hope was that they would prove to be better seamen than they did at present. It was going to be a six month voyage at least, and only that if the weather was kind to them. He glanced up at the masts and pursed his lips. All he could pray for was that the weather would, indeed, be kind to them, for the more he saw of his ship, the less confidence he had in her seaworthiness.<\/p>\n He turned to scan the bridge, and once again, a slight frown furrowed his brow. Captain Jacob Woodward was a man in his early fifties and this was his first command. He had been an officer renowned for prevarication and pedantic nit picking. His hesitancy in making decisions in vital situations was renowned. As Adam watched his Captain striding the deck his heart sank. For an instant he wondered what his father would have made of the man and how he would have served under such an officer.<\/p>\n He turned his back on his Captain and clasped his hands behind his back. His eyes scanned the activity on the harbour as the ship\u2019s hands made ready for their departure. Noise and babble, crowds and shouting, laughter and cursing. Men staggered up the gangplank the worse for drink and straightened up when they saw him, giving him sloppy salutes with silly grins on their faces. He nodded and watched them go, it would be a long time before they had such an opportunity to drink again.<\/p>\n An Officer arrived at the gangplank in a private open carriage with wife and two children with them. Adam watched as he disentangled himself from his wife\u2019s arms and his childrens hugs. Their handkerchiefs were little white flags waving farewell as they drove away. The Officer waited until they were out of sight, blew his nose and hurried up the gangplank. He nodded sheepishly at Adam and gave a smart salute, acknowledging a senior Officer.<\/p>\n Rawlins approached and stood politely by his side. Adam turned and was greeted with a wide smile and a smart salute. The boy thrust out his chest proudly,<\/p>\n \u201cLetters despatched, sir.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThank you, Rawlins.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cAnything else, sir?\u201d<\/p>\n Adam surveyed the boy. He could remember Joe at that age, full of mischief and with the light of fun always shining in his eyes. Miss Abigail Jones was the bane of Joe\u2019s life at that time. A smile briefly drifted over his lips, and he turned away, nodding a dismissal to the boy, who saluted and returned to the cabin he shared with two other Midshipmen and the Master\u2019s Mate.<\/p>\n Adam watched the ropes being lifted from the bollards. The gangplank removed. \u201cRaise anchor.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cAnchor raised.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cShip\u2019s company to the bridge.\u201d<\/p>\n He took a deep breath. Hands still clasped behind his back he walked with steady deportment to join his Captain on the bridge. It would be months before he would see dry land again.<\/p>\n *********<\/p>\n Music, twinkling lights to rival the stars, laughter and chatter. Ben Cartwright smiled and poured punch into a fine crystal glass and passed it to Mike Sinclair.<\/p>\n \u201cWell, Mike, they make a fine couple,\u201d Ben observed, watching the dancing couples, but more particularly, one couple who wove through the other dancers as though floating on air.<\/p>\n \u201cNo doubt about it, Ben, they sure seem to be in love.\u201d<\/p>\n Ben nodded, smiled, and looked on as Joe swirled his dancing partner in his arms around the dance floor. She was pretty, no question about that, and she was all that he had wished for in a daughter-in-law. His only hope was that Joe would actually get through the courtship stage to the marrying part. His boy certainly had the knack of falling in love and losing out on it as well.<\/p>\n Mrs Sinclair touched his arm and when he turned towards her, she smiled and directed his attention back to the young couple by looking at them herself.<\/p>\n \u201cThank you for putting up this party for Victoria, Ben. We do appreciate it.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cIt\u2019s the very least I can do, Betty.\u201d<\/p>\n So it was too, for the Sinclairs were hardworking homesteaders with barely a dime to their name. Some had said that it had been a clever scheme on Victoria Sinclair\u2019s part to get Joseph Cartwright to fall in love with her, but then, they did not know Victoria very well.<\/p>\n The Sinclairs had lived close to the Ponderosa borders for three years. Mike had bought the ranch belonging to an old neighbour of Bens, and had fought through three hard back breaking years to make a success of the place. He had barely managed to eke out a living and every year was a prayer away from losing the place altogether to the bank. Niether Mike nor Betty complained about their lot in life. It was the life they had chosen, and rough or smooth, they worked at it together.<\/p>\n When Joe had first met Victoria at a town social, he had shown no interest in her at all. She was quiet, homely and had freckles. She had sat watching the couples dancing with patient sweetness and humility, as though knowing she was not part of the glittering crowd, but was grateful for the privilege to look on.<\/p>\n It seemed to Joe, that everytime he danced with a girl he would see this freckle faced wide eyed girl sitting in her pale pink dress. There she would be, out of the corner of his eye. At the end of the evening he approached her, expecting her to be tongue tied and blushing, but she had smiled, accepted his proffered hand firmly and after he had introduced himself, given him her name \u2013Victoria Sinclair. She had spoken the two words with such pride and clarity that it was as though she were telling him that she was not prepared to be one of the simpering women she had watched him with all that evening.<\/p>\n Her dark hair had been caught up at the nape of her long, narrow neck, but black tendrils had escaped to coil seductively upon the pale golden tan of her skin and the shell of her ear. Her blue eyes had looked straight at him as though issuing a challenge, mocking him with that dark arch of an eyebrow.<\/p>\n Thereafter he seemed to be constantly noticing her. At church, in town, on the road. It got so that he was dreaming about her and waking up wondering about whom it was he had been dreaming.<\/p>\n Now here she was, in his arms, looking up at him with eyes wide and gleaming and a smile on her face as wide as all Nevada.<\/p>\n \u201cYou know, I can\u2019t imagine life without you,\u201d he whispered, squeezing her fingers within his own.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m sure you could,\u201d she laughed, her blue eyes darkened to that colour of denim that he had never noticed in any girls\u2019 eyes before now.<\/p>\n \u201cI love you,\u201d and his hazel eyes widened in his earnestness to convey this heartfelt message to her even now.<\/p>\n \u201cI know. I love you, too.\u201d<\/p>\n He was content. He had found a girl who would be hard working, patient, loyal. He was in love with a girl who laughed with him and at him. Argued with him, shouted back at him, then hugged and kissed him. She was not beautiful, but she was pretty with her big blue eyes and long lashes and freckles. Her nose was pert, and her mouth overlarge. Her face was a perfect oval, with a neat little chin.<\/p>\n Joe still could not understand how it had happened. This insignificant young woman had suddenly become everything that mattered to him. She was as poor as the proverbial church mouse, but she walked with the stateliness of a Princess. Perhaps that was what had first brought her to his attention. The proud tilt of her head, the straight back, and the sway of her hips as she walked.<\/p>\n Hoss strolled towards his father, glass in hand, and stood by his father\u2019s side. He smiled as he watched the dancers, and wondered whether Adam would make it home in time for the wedding.<\/p>\n \u201cHey, Pa, we oughta write about this to Adam,\u201d he said, bringing the glass to his lips.<\/p>\n \u201cI already have, son.\u201d Ben\u2019s eyes twinkled, for he could remember, as well as Hoss, that Adam had promised to return for any weddings. He straightened his shoulders proudly, and nodded to himself with satisfaction. That was one way to get the wanderer back home, he mused.<\/p>\n *********<\/p>\n Joe closed the door gently, and with a dreamlike smile on his face walked slowly into the room, pulling off his string tie as he did so. From the depths of his red leather chair Ben puffed at his pipe and watched his son. There was no doubt that the young man was in the throes of love. Ben had seen that look often on this young gallant of a man, and hoped, once again, that this would be the love of Joe\u2019s life and bear fruition in a happy union.<\/p>\n \u201cHappy, Joe?\u201d Ben asked, the affection he had for the boy reflected in the tone of his voice.<\/p>\n \u201cOh yeah \u2013 I sure am!\u201d Joe exclaimed and with a pleasantly weary sigh he flopped into the blue chair and sprawled out. He half closed his eyes and allowed himself to drift back to the evening with Victoria in his arms and the music playing in his ears.<\/p>\n \u201cThey\u2019re a very good family, Joe.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI know.\u201d Joe folded his arms behind his head and looked over at his father, who was drawing on his pipe thoughtfully, \u201cI\u2019m glad you like her, Pa.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI think I\u2019m in love with her myself, young man. In fact, if I were younger I would be giving you a run for your money.\u201d He jabbed the stem of his pipe at Joe with his black eyes twinkling even as he spoke.<\/p>\n \u201cOdd, I never noticed her before last year. Now, suddenly, she\u2019s the focus of everything I want in life.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhich is how it should be,\u201d Ben agreed, puffing out several rather imperfect smoke rings that wobbled out of existence. He sighed, \u201cMike struggles to keep that place of theirs up and running.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI know.\u201d Joe frowned slightly, \u201cHe only has one man working for him. He said that he had no surplus funds to pay wages for any other and Tim had worked for him for a long time.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI told him tonight, that he was free to have whatever he needed \u2013 men, equipment, horses.\u201d Ben shook his head, \u201cHe refused everything.\u201d He puffed at the pipe again and the black brows beetled angrily across his brow, \u201cI told him that I was willing to give him the necessary funds whenever he needed it, but he just shook my hand and thanked me and told me that he was all right and needed for nothing.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cHe\u2019s a proud man.\u201d Joe said quietly, secretly admiring his future father-in-law, \u201cHow many offers did you get like that when you were struggling, Pa?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNot many.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cAnd how many did YOU accept?\u201d Joe smiled, his hazel eyes twinkling.<\/p>\n \u201cNot many.\u201d Ben replied with a deep chuckle. \u201cToo proud, too obstinate and too determined to do things my own way. I didn\u2019t want to achieve anything and have to owe anybody else a thing. Pride, I guess.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cLooking back now, do you think you were wrong?\u201d Joe leaned forward, his elbows on his knees and his hands cupping his chin as he observed his father thoughtfully.<\/p>\n \u201cWell, I guess it would have made things easier at times.\u201d Ben gazed ceilingwards and allowed himself to think back to the past. Then he smiled and shook his head, \u201cNo, I would not have changed anything. With Adam\u2019s help I was able to work to get the money we needed. Even when it meant leaving the Ponderosa at times. I always knew that I could count on Adam to keep things running here, and then, of course, Hoss was here to help.\u201d<\/p>\n Joe frowned, sometimes he resented the fact that his brothers had lived during a period of genesis for the Ponderosa. They had worked together \u2013 his father and brothers \u2013 so that when he had arrived on the scene he was in a position to enjoy the fruits of their labours. There was no denying that The Ponderosa depended on constant work, surveillance and expenditure. His had been no sitting back and living high on the hog, so to speak, but it had to be said, that he had missed out on that vital beginning.<\/p>\n \u201cI think Mike and Betty just want to work together and make the best of what they have, together. I know, once Victoria and I are married, that we shall be helping them as much as possible.\u201d Joe flicked a glance over at his father, \u201cAfter all, they have no sons.\u201d<\/p>\n Ben nodded. He sucked on the stem of the pipe thoughtfully and then looked over at his son,<\/p>\n \u201cDo you intend to leave here and live with them?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNo, sir. Victoria and I have not discussed that, as yet. It\u2019s just that they may accept more help once we are married. It will be, well, more \u2018in the family\u2019 and more acceptable.\u201d<\/p>\n Ben smiled slowly, and nodded. So, another about to fly the nest. First Adam, and now Joe. Life was just a constantly revolving circle. From the day one is born and doomed to die, there is the loving, and the giving, and the taking away. He sighed and leaned forward, tapping his pipe bowl against the hearth to cast out the now dead ash.<\/p>\n \u201cDo you think Adam will come to the wedding, Pa?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cHaven\u2019t you written to ask him yet?\u201d Ben smiled, and got to his feet.<\/p>\n \u201cNo, not yet. I was going to the other day, after Victoria agreed to marry me. But somehow the words would not come right in my head. I thought of him having such fun in Paris and London, and all those fancy places he\u2019s going to, and I thought that perhaps coming here for a wedding just might not add up to much in comparison.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYou rather under-estimate your brother, don\u2019t you, son?\u201d Ben looked at his boy fondly, and placed a gentle hand on his shoulder, \u201cHave you forgotten how Adam was here to change your diapers? He was here to pick you up when you were learning to walk, and set you back on your feet? He taught you a lot, maybe even more than you realise.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019ve realised how much I owe him since he\u2019s been gone, Pa.\u201d Joe replied quietly, \u201cBut he\u2019s been away over three years now. He\u2019s been to places we\u2019ve never known and he may have changed.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThe important things never change, Joseph. The things that make us what we are, a family, will never be forgotten, not by Adam, not by any of us.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cDo you still miss him, Pa?\u201d Joe looked over at his father as Ben placed one foot on the bottom step of the stairs and was partially lost in shadows.<\/p>\n \u201cYes. Yes, I do miss him, every day.\u201d Ben replied quietly, there was a slight pause. May be he wanted to say more, but he forebore to do so, saying only a good night to the long legged youth sprawled in the chair by the dying embers of the fire.<\/p>\n **********<\/p>\n \u201cShe\u2019s holed.\u201d<\/p>\n The two words were screamed over the howling of the wind and roaring of the sea. Immediately Adam scrambled down the steps into the belly of the ship where men were already setting up the bilge pump in an attempt to get rid of the water that was gushing through a jagged wound in the ships side. Water was already halfway up their legs. The ship was heaving up and down and from side to side. Adam could hear the sounds of her groaning as though in her death throes. The water in the bilges resembled a miniature sea as the motion of the ship created waves that surged back and forth, washing all before it<\/p>\n \u201cHow quickly can you get it repaired?\u201d Adam yelled into the ear of the carpenter who was fumbling for his tools that were in danger of being washed away.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019ll get it done as soon as possible, sir.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cMake it sooner,\u201d came the urgent response, \u201cDo you need the extra pump?\u201d<\/p>\n Even as he yelled the words there came the sound of ripping and the dull thud of timbers being torn through. Water spewed through the wound and they were engulfed as it sluiced towards them. Adam and the carpenter exchanged a hurried glance. There was little point in wasting words. The ship had received her death blow and both men turned towards the hatchway to the decks.<\/p>\n \u201cStop pumping. Stop pumping. Get on deck.\u201d Adam yelled as he seized the arm of one of the men.<\/p>\n Niether needed to be told twice. The water was pouring through two gaping wounds fore and aft, and by the time they had reached the bottom step to the hatchway they were waist deep in the foaming sea that was confined in that area below decks.<\/p>\n It was little better on deck. Waves swept over the sides of the ship, buffeting at her with a relentless energy. Holding onto whatever he could seize as security, Adam forced himself to wade along the deck and up onto the bridge where the Captain was struggling to help the helmsman to keep the wheel on some kind of course.<\/p>\n \u201cShe\u2019s holed, sir.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cHoled?\u201d Captain Woodward stared at the younger man in disbelief. This had been his first command and to have to admit defeat and give her up to the sea was not something he had any desire to do at this, or any other stage.<\/p>\n \u201cRipped apart, sir.\u201d<\/p>\n Woodward stared again at the younger man who was staring back through a mask of water that was streaming over him from the waves and the rain. Thunder cracked overhead and involuntarily both men looked to the masts.<\/p>\n The sails were ripping. One had been reefed securely but the others were like sheets blowing on a washing line. Men, all of whom knew their place and their duties so well, were making valiant attempts to salvage what they could but it was all too clear that the carpenter and the men on the pumps had disclosed the futility of expending their strengths to save a lost cause.<\/p>\n Adam placed his hand on the Captain\u2019s arm, \u201cThere\u2019s no hope for her, sir. You must abandon ship.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNo. Never.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThe men are waiting for your orders, sir. They need to get the boats down.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWe can still make it to land safely. Fool, you\u2019re just green around the ears yet, can\u2019t you see -.\u201d<\/p>\n His words were cut short as there was a rippling of lightning that seared across the sky and struck the foremost mast. Adam watched in mute horror as his worse fears came to be realised. The foremost mast was top heavy and he had always worried that were it to be struck for any reason, it would split the ship in two upon falling. It would cleave the vessel asunder like a ripe peach.<\/p>\n \u201cMan the boats. Every man there -.\u201d Adam heard himself yelling as the men scurried for some form of protection as the mast creaked, split and began to fall.<\/p>\n Waves swept across the deck and retreated, snatching some men along with them down into their graves. Adam watched as white blanched faces suddenly disappeared into blackness. His arms were being torn from their sockets as he gripped hold of the railing on the bridge.<\/p>\n \u201cAre you disobeying my orders, sir?\u201d Woodward screamed, \u201cYou there \u2013,\u201d he yelled at the retreating helmsman, \u201cTake the wheel.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThere\u2019s nothing to salvage except lives.\u201d Adam bellowed back at him. They were almost nose to nose for the noise of the storm was so terrible that any distance between them would have sent words spiralling out to sea.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019ll have you -,\u201d Woodward stopped speaking. His eyes were distended in their sockets as he stared at the sight before him. Adam turned slowly, and then realised that even getting to the boats would not save them. The seas had been in foment but the wave that they were facing now was the most terrible sight he had ever imagined.<\/p>\n A sheer wall of water that rose from black depths to vast heights. Against its vastness the ship was a mere black speck; the proverbial needle in a haystack. There was nothing now to do but pray.<\/p>\n ********<\/p>\n Adam knew he was dying. He had never imagined death coming to him in this fashion. He had been so close to death so often in youth. Even now he could recall the heat of bullets slamming into his body and the weakness as death beckoned \u2013 but never came.<\/p>\n He could recall times when he had lain in his bed at home, fever ridden and delirious, but always aware of his fathers nearness. The presence of that loving man close by his side. The prayers and thoughts of his brothers near by.<\/p>\n There had been times when he had been desparately lonely, longing for death to come as a release and even now the loathing for the man Kane made his heart beat faster.<\/p>\n But he had never imagined death to come like this.<\/p>\n As the great wave had descended, crashed down upon the frail shattered vessel men had scattered and seized the only chances that were available to escape. He had felt himself hurled over the railings of the bridge and slammed onto the deck. He had seized a grappling iron as he slid past and struggled to regain his feet but the attempt had been painfully unsuccessful. Up the ship heaved as though in an agony, hurling the men from the very boats they had just clambered into and tossing them aside like a giant hand swatting a fly.<\/p>\n He had caught at Rawlins as the boy\u2019s body slid along the deck. A futile attempt to save the life of a child, already dead. Their fingers had touched, briefly, before the boy had been swept away and had sunk deep into the dark throat of the sea that was opened up to consume them all. Men got tangled in ropes and broken wood. Shattered beams of timber pierced through some like lances cast in a battle field. The sails were ripped and torn and wound themselves about them like shrouds.<\/p>\n When he had seen a boat still in one piece he had given the order to get into it and make for land. Even now he wondered why he had bothered for there was no hope for them. Even as they struggled to get the boat loose from its moorings the sea was crashing down upon them and grabbing, first at one, then at two, here and there, and drawing them down over the side. Down the ship would plunge and they would be sent sprawling along the deck yet again. Woodward tumbled past him, his eyes distended and his mouth gaping open. Adam had no idea whether the man was dead or alive.<\/p>\n His hands gripped at the stout sodden rope that was wound around the base of the mast. He could hear the roaring of the sea in his ears louder than ever before and cold dark water covered his head. As the breath seemed to be squeezed out of him he struggle to reach the foaming surface and having achieved that, he felt as though he could fight no long. His body was tossed up on high by the waves, and then dredged down deep beneath them again.<\/p>\n How strange to die like this and yet all he could think about was sheep and pastures, green fields and blue skies, high mountains and timber clad hills, open spaces and cattle, horses and cowboys. Oh Joe, Joe, where are you now? Hoss, take my hand and snatch me from my fate and oblivion. God grant me the courage to face this with the grace of yourself. Pa, Pa, forgive me for ever leaving you. I want to feel you close to me now, hold me in your arms as you did so long ago. Oh, if I were on the Ponderosa now.<\/p>\n Waves as high as the tallest building he had ever seen, swept up higher and higher and shattered the frail boats as they crashed down into a foaming sea. The roar of waters and the savage howl of the wind deafened him to the sounds of the cries of his men and the splintering of the wood of the boats and his once sturdy ship.<\/p>\n His body turned into the waves. They lifted him high and for an instance of time he saw the angry black sky above him. A smile touched his frozen lips as he saw in his minds eye the dark gaze of his father upon him and the coldness of the water seemed suddenly like the soft touch of his fathers caress upon his cheek.<\/p>\n He had never thought he would die like this \u2026<\/p>\n **********<\/p>\n So much silence broken only by the cries of the gulls as they circled high amongst the cliff tops against a backdrop of pale blue sky. Nature had ceased from its roaring and had entered a period of tranquil repose.<\/p>\n He lay very still. His ears grew accustomed to the sounds of the gulls and gradually the slow almost lazy rhythm of the sea as it lapped up onto the beach. He dared not open his eyes for fear that the nightmare was yet to end and the calm his ears heard were a mere prelude to greater disaster. His mouth and nose tasted, smelt, only of salt.<\/p>\n He lay very still. Opening his eyes to the extent possible he could see white sand stretching dazzlingly bright into the horizon. He stretched out a hand and his fingers released a handful of the gritty powder before it fell back, limp, into the hollow that his body had formed within the sands soft confines. He could feel the sun warm upon his back, drying the rags of his clothing upon his body, drying the wetness into streaks of white salty slime.<\/p>\n He lay very still and opened his eyes and then closed them again very quickly. Dare he to open them again? Was he in the middle of some tormenting dream caused by the delusions of near drowning? He heard the crackle of wood burning in the fireplace. He could smell its warmth. Oh, for it to be that grand and wonderful fireplace where he had spent so many pleasant hours. Years ago they had laboured to build that grand edifice, he and his Pa and Hoss, and the years had trickled like sand through his fingers, with the evenings spent sitting together in warm and enjoyable comanionship.<\/p>\n He raised a hand to shield his eyes from the gaze of any stranger as a tear slipped from beneath his lids and slid down his face and into his hair. Another tear followed. If, he told himself, if I open my eyes and find myself at home, with Pa, and Hoss, and Joe, my heart will burst with joy. It would be so full as to be quite unable to contain itself and I shall at least die happy.<\/p>\n He opened his eyes slowly and turned towards the fire. No grand fireplace nor grand room nor loving parent there before him. By the side of a fire sat an old man in a rocking chair, smoking a pipe and staring into the flames.<\/p>\n Adam turned his head to look upon the room and his eyes came to rest upon a tall thickset young man beside whom stood another youth with a twinkling eye. He closed his eyes wearily. He was not home after all. He was in the home of strangers who mocked his heart felt hopes by being a pale imitation of the reality for which he had yearned.<\/p>\n \u201cWe found you on the beach,\u201d the taller youth said as he helped raise him into a sitting position.<\/p>\n \u201cAny others? My men?\u201d his voice sounded gruff and thick, even to his ears and the words vibrated in his head.<\/p>\n \u201cOnly yourself alive,\u201d the old man replied \u201cAnd your ship smashed like matchsticks by the storm.\u201d<\/p>\n He stared at the fire unseeingly as his mind became filled with the images of the past days and night and once again, tears filled his eyes and fell unheeded upon his cheeks.<\/p>\n **********<\/p>\n \u201cADAM\u201d<\/p>\n The name jerked Hoss Cartwright awake. Had he cried out the name in his sleep? Surely had he done so then the walls would be echoing with the sound of it for it had rang like a clarion call inside his skull. All he could hear was the pounding of the pulses thudding in his ear drums and the beat of his heart which seemed imprisoned behind their cage of bone.<\/p>\n A wind whispered past the window and the shadows flickered over the ceiling and Hoss slowly felt things slip back to normalcy. He sat up and rubbed his face and stared out at the moon that was slipping shyly behind a cloud and at that moment plunged his room into darkness.<\/p>\n That danged letter! He shook his head and heaved a sigh. Nigh on five months since he had received that letter from Adam and the words that kept coming back to haunt him skeetered through his brain once again. He scowled and stood up and began to pull off his nightshirt. He dredged the words up to the forefront of his mind and contemplated them once again.<\/p>\n \u201cHoss, this is for your eyes only.<\/p>\n I don\u2019t want to burden Pa with what may be futile worries on my part. Fact is, I have a fearful foreboding about this next trip. The crews good, willing to work and all that, but several of the officers leave a lot to be desired. The ship was repaired too hastily in my opinion and we are going back to sea too soon. I ask you to remember, Hoss, how much I love you. Hoss, if anything happens, well, you know where my last Testament and things are.\u201d<\/p>\n Hoss shuddered and pulled on his vest. Best thing to do now is go for a ride and clear his head. Good idea! He\u2019d take a ride into town and collect the mail. Could be a letter from Adam just waiting for him.<\/p>\n Odd how everything reminded him of Adam today. The rose garden they planted up together for Marie. Hoss paused to look at it and bit his bottom lip in memory of the time they had taken to get that garden prepared for her. There were so many things they had shared together.<\/p>\n He saddled his horse and looked over at Sport who nodded reproachfully at him. Times were when he and Adam had stood back to back as they curried and combed their horses and now here was Sport, like himself, waiting for Adam to come home.<\/p>\n He rode out into the wide panorama of hs land. There was the woodland that he and Adam would go out and check over and up yonder was Sun Mountain and he recalled the day when Adam had \u2013 he shook his head, shucks, go on like this and he\u2019d be stark raving crazy by the time he got into town.<\/p>\n Why\u2019d he have to go for anyway? And why had he, Hoss, not just manhandled him to the ground and tied him to the bed until the \u2018call of the sea\u2019 had gone outa him? Why hadn\u2019t he argued more, tried to talk him out of it, harebrained, stupid idea that it was anyway. Instead he had stood there and nodded and agreed and promised this and that and smiled even though his heart was breaking. \u2018Don\u2019t go, don\u2019t leave us again\u2019 his heart had said whilst his mouth said \u201cSure, Adam, jest as you say, Adam\u201d. Sheesh, what an idiot. And now all these years had trickled by and letters never said enough and were too few anyhow.<\/p>\n A ride into town usually lifted his spirits. First thing in the morning things smelt different. Bread baking for a start and all the store keepers bustling about and looking smug and pleased with themselves.<\/p>\n Hoss looked about at them all and frowned. How many of them missed Adam now, he mused. He looked at various faces and reminisced about the way Adam being there had touched their lives in some way or another. Now, did they think of him at all?<\/p>\n Paul Martin saw Hoss dismount and watched the big man tether Chub to the hitching rail outside the Telegraph Depot. By the time Hoss had come out, tucking the wad of letters into his shirt pocket, Paul was waiting for him.<\/p>\n \u201cHoss?\u201d<\/p>\n Hoss turned and smiled, but when he saw the smile waver on the doctors pleasantly attractive face, his own smile faded and the blue eyes grew wary.<\/p>\n \u201cHoss, I just wanted to say \u2013,\u201d Paul sighed, and put his hand gently on Hoss\u2019 arm, \u201cI\u2019m so sorry.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cAbout what?\u201d Hoss said, but his voice was thick in his throat and he felt waves of something strange tingling all over him.<\/p>\n \u201cAdam, about Adam.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhat about him?\u201d Hoss narrowed his eyes as the doctor quailed and took a step or two backwards, \u201cBest spit it out, Paul. You\u2019ve started summat now, dadburnit, so\u2019s you\u2019d best finish it.\u201d<\/p>\n Paul took a deep breath and held out a newspaper. Hoss saw the headline and then raised his eyes to meet those of the doctors.<\/p>\n \u201cI only got it this morning from my nephew in Boston. The news is three months old, Hoss. Things could be different, there could be a mistake.\u201d<\/p>\n The town, the street, the buildings \u2013all shimmered and faded away into mist and then swam back before his eyes, needle sharp in clarity. Sound faded and then gushed back. He felt his heart hammering against his chest and could literally feel the blood drain from his body. He bowed his head.<\/p>\n \u201cDo you want me to ride out with you, back home?\u201d Paul was saying, and Hoss shook his head and just took the paper and slipped it into his jacket pocket.<\/p>\n *********<\/p>\n He did not want to ride home right away. He rode to his favourite place and dismounted there and sat for what seemed hours just staring out at the water in the lake. Far out the blue of the water merged into the blue of the sky. It was beautiful. Adam used to love it.<\/p>\n Eventually he picked up the paper and read the report of the ship that had not returned. He read that there were no known survivors. It was only when the paper seemed to be dabbled by damp splodges that he realised that he was crying. The tears slipped down his face and splashed down and then he was sobbing, great sobs that shook his whole body and tore up his heart and turned him inside out with the heart break of it all.<\/p>\n And then he could not weep anymore. He knew he had to go home. Then he would have to tell Pa. Tell Joe. He didn\u2019t know how to tell them that all that he had wanted to do was take a ride into town.<\/p>\n ********<\/p>\n Time has a habit of ticking away. Minutes gradually become more bearable as they slip into hours. Suddenly a month has passed and the grief over the one so cherished and lost becomes bearable during the waking hours. Days are kept full and so the mind remains occupied. Nights are the times when the nightmares come and only the haunting picture of a ship tossed by tempestuous waves keeps filling the mind. In the silence of the dark hours there is the sound of a voice calling out for his father, his brothers. The voice bounces off the walls and all one can do is pray for the night time to end.<\/p>\n Then the month has trickled into another month and another. Sleep comes at last. Grief ceases to be so raw, although forever just beneath the surface ready to burst forth afresh and dash the newly found calm to pieces.<\/p>\n Ben Cartwright\u2019s heart seemed to shrink back and falter a beat or two as he rode into the yard of his home. He dismounted and tethered Buck to the hitching rail, instead of taking him into the stable, for his eyes were upon the house. Usually when he returned home late at night there would be the welcoming glow of the windows illuminated and warm and promising an evening of relaxation with the boys.<\/p>\n His footsteps, as he approached the house, became slower. His dark eyes became darker as the surveyed the big building.<\/p>\n \u201cSomething\u2019s wrong.\u201d Ben whispered to himself and he paused and drew in a deep breath. How many times in his life time had he said that, and experienced this self same deadening of the heart and heaviness in the legs.<\/p>\n He could recall the sound of a baby crying and how he and Stoddard had rushed up to the room and then \u2013 he had known that something was wrong immediately. He had lost the love of his life, Adam\u2019s mother. When Inger had lain in his arms, oh he had not even had to say those words because the worse wrongness in the world was happening and it had been like climbing a mountain to escape the misery that had overwhelmed him at the time. He recalled with bitterness the time Marie had fallen from her horse, and as soon as he had looked upon her cumpled body he had known that something was terribly wrong, and when she had died, it seemed nothing would ever be right again.<\/p>\n But things had balanced out. Life had been good. But then Hoss had come home just those few months ago and he, Ben, had known instantly that something was wrong. The colour of Hoss\u2019 face, the loss of colour in his eyes and the way his son had avoided looking him in the face as he had handed over that newspaper.<\/p>\n Ben shook his head and remonstrated to himself. \u2018You\u2019re getting to be an old man, seeing ambushes in shadows, and misery in dark corners. Stop dwelling on what is in the past and can not be changed, and look to the future. The future is bright. Joe\u2019s courting that young girl of Sinclair\u2019s and the wedding will be soon.\u201d<\/p>\n He smiled slowly to himself at the thought of his son, Joseph and Victoria Sinclair. He had never thought it would really happen, Joe settling into a steady courtship. He looked up at the house and paused once again.<\/p>\n \u201cWhat if something has happened to Hoss? He\u2019s my rock, steady and reliable. It could be that \u2013 no, this is stupid but, oh, don\u2019t let anything have happened to Hoss, please, God.\u201d<\/p>\n Once again he stared at the house and felt a shiver trickle down his spine. He took off his hat as his foot touched the porch step. He took in a deep breath and as his hand touched the door his eyes glanced down at the wooden planks. Worn they were, and he smiled. \u201cI can remember how Adam and I struggled to get those planks set right. Funny how stupid memories can creep in on a man. I must be getting old. Well, I can\u2019t avoid whatever it is, whatever has happened. I best go in and face it.\u201d<\/p>\n The room was dark. He put his hat down and looked about him. He saw Joe walking towards him, a sombre look on his face.<\/p>\n \u201cI was right,\u201d Ben felt misery trickle down his spine, \u201cSomething is wrong.\u201d<\/p>\n He glanced around the room, where was Hoss? Something was wrong, something had happened to Hoss, I just knew it\u2026 oh God, give me strength and courage.<\/p>\n He frowned as a dark shadow seemed to loom from the blue chair and a lamp was lit, illuminating the man now standing to his feet and beginning to walk towards him. Ben felt his mouth go dry and yet, his eyes watered.<\/p>\n \u201cHi, Pa.\u201d A warm deep voice caressed his ears and filled his heart with such joy that it\u2019s pounding nearly burst his eardrums, \u201cI\u2019ve come home.\u201d<\/p>\n **********<\/p>\n Time now for talking. Days spent recapturing the moments of fear and reliving the dread. Evenings spent listening to their wayfarer as he told his story of that fateful storm and how he was found by a nearby family who had sheltered him and given him food and medication to survive. There had been found, besides himself, three other men and, miraculously, the ships cat.<\/p>\n \u201cWhy didn\u2019t you cable and let us know you were safe and coming home?\u201d Ben asked, looking into the handsome face of his first born son and seeing in it something that had never been there before he had left for the sea.<\/p>\n \u201cI hadn\u2019t realised you would have known about the ship wreck. Some folly on my part not to have known it must have reached your ears. I wanted to come home and surprise you, as though I had just come on shore leave.\u201d<\/p>\n They had smiled indulgently. Why burden him with the stories of how they had suffered weeks over his loss? It was not until an evening came when Ben was absent from home, that Adam ventured to ask his brothers how they had coped with his supposed death. Had Pa suffered much? Had he managed to handle it well, for Adam was no fool, and his eyes told him how much his father had changed in the four years he had been away.<\/p>\n Joe and Hoss looked at one another. Joe raised his eyebrows and opened his large eyes and nodded,<\/p>\n \u201cHave you ever wished you could roll up weeks and months of your life as you would a scroll of paper?\u201d Joe asked in a very sombre, almost reverential tone of voice, \u201cWell, that was how Hoss and I felt over all those months since we got news of the shipwreck and there being no survivors. The hardest times were in the evenings. Pa would sit by the hearth and stare in to the fire, or pretend he was reading something. We could tell that he was there, in that storm and on that deck as the ship was tossed about and fought against the waves, and then visualising its destruction and all that followed thereafter. He would look at us and his eyes would be like dark wells of misery and despair. It near broke our hearts all over again.\u201d He leaned forward and poured more coffee into his cup, then sat back and cradled it in his hands, \u201cPa would sit there, and then, every so often, he would just turn, as though he were listening. He would look at the door as though waiting. We both knew he was listening for your footsteps and waiting for you to walk through the doorway.\u201d<\/p>\n He glanced over to where Hoss sat, resting his chin upon his cupped hands and staring into the shadows. Then he resumed his narrative,<\/p>\n \u201cAt first, if he caught our eyes, he would look embarressed and just mutter something about thinking he had heard a sound in the yard. After a while he stopped pretending and just looked at us mutely, as though our love should have been strong enough to prevent what happened ever taking place.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhat happened to change things for him?\u201d Adam asked quietly, cradling his cup in his hands and looking fondly at his brothers and feeling a whole well of love for them and his father.<\/p>\n \u201cOne day, Hoss came in and hauled us out to the corral to show us the stallion that he had caught. Pa looked at the stallion and said, ‘Hoss, your brother Adam tried to catch this beast six months before he left home. He got the rope round his neck and fought him to a standstill, and then they had just looked at one another. Eye to eye. Then Adam let the rope go and said, \u2018Pa, this one has a lust for life and freedom goes hand in hand with it. I can\u2019t bring myself to tame that spirit even though he is one magnificent animal\u2019 and we watched him go and I put my arm about his shoulders\u2019\u201d\u201d Joe\u2019s voice faltered and he picked up his cup again and sipped from it and for a few minutes there was silence apart from the ticking of the clock and the crackle of flames from the fire.<\/p>\n \u201cWal, anyhows,\u201d Hoss continued, picking up the narrative from where Joe had left off, \u201cPa said that that was the day he realised that there was someone else wanting to be set free. So, there we were stood by the corral and we watched that stallion as it paced round and round, snorting and rolling it\u2019s eyes and then Pa said, \u2018Let it go\u2019. We both protested but he insisted, \u2018Let him go, he needs to be free\u2019 and so we opened the gate and that fool horse paces round the corral, stops in front of us and stares us right in the eyes and then gallops off. \u2018Why\u2019d you do that?\u2019 I asked Pa, because I really had a yen to break that crittur, and Pa put his hand on my arm and smiled and just said \u2018You\u2019ll understand one day.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cIt was odd but from that time on, Pa stopped watching and listening for the footsteps that never came.\u201d Joe said quietly, \u201cHe seemed settled in his own mind and calmer than before and he got back into stride with work at last.\u201d<\/p>\n For a few minutes they became silent once again. Each one of them deep in thought, individual thoughts about the same person, their father. Each one sighed, and looked at the other with a slight smile. Footsteps could be heard, and the door opened and they turned to watch as Ben stepped into the room and looked towards the shadows of the big chair by the hearth. It was involuntary, just in case what he longed to see may not be there, had not been there but had been an apparition after all.<\/p>\n \u201cFinished for the evening, Pa?\u201d the deep baritone voice of his eldest son asked from the shadows.<\/p>\n \u201cJust about.\u201d Ben smiled and the deep brown of his eyes went near black with the intensity of the love he had for his three sons. No one but a father could have explained the relief he had felt on seeing his eldest son home again. No one could know the hours he had spent gazing at the sepia coloured pictures that he had of him, and knowing that this son would be cherished forever in his heart.<\/p>\n He turned and closed the door and smiled to himself. He could remember the evenings he had sat there in his chair and turned to listen for the footsteps that were never there. Waited for the turn of the door handle and the deep voice say \u201cPa, I\u2019m home.\u201d<\/p>\n And when he had heard those words, it had been, not so much a statement, more like a prayer of thanks.<\/p>\n THE END<\/p>\n You are now invited to continue reading into the world of Captain Cartwright<\/a>.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Reviewer: sklamb<\/a> Signed Glad I came across this gem again! I’m always in awe of how well you can capture character. Thank you so much for something that can still move me to tears!<\/p>\n Author’s Response: Dear Sue, thank you so very much. This little story seems to have captured a lot of readers attention over the years since I first wrote it down for Bonanza.com 1 when we used to do weekly writing exercises called FFE’s. This story was a series of those weekly exercises, I used the themes each week to continue the story. I can still remember that the very first weeks theme was Adam knew he was dying… many thanks for all your support and kind interest in my writing. I truly appreciate it, probably more than you realise. Krystyna<\/em><\/p>\n **********<\/p>\n
\nDate: 30 Jan 2014 02:40 am Title: Chapter 1<\/p>\n