{"id":666,"date":"2007-05-10T14:01:52","date_gmt":"2007-05-10T18:01:52","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=666"},"modified":"2026-07-29T13:40:18","modified_gmt":"2026-07-29T17:40:18","slug":"looking-death-in-the-face","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=666","title":{"rendered":"Looking Death in the Face (by Terri)"},"content":{"rendered":"

Summary: <\/span>The thoughts in your head when you are about to die. Little Joe knows his time is up but the suffering starts long before the bullet is fired.<\/p>\n

Rated:<\/span> K+ \u00a0WC 2800<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Looking Death in the Face<\/strong><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I don\u2019t want to die.<\/strong> How can this be happening? One minute I was having a drink with my friends and the next I am out here in the street about to die. This is so surreal, all I did was bump into him, I apologised immediately, but he wouldn\u2019t listen to me. I thought he was joking when he called me out; how can you want to kill a person over something so trivial. When he entered the bar I could tell he was itching to butt horns with someone; I guess I was just in the wrong place at the wrong time.<\/span><\/span>I\u2019m not ready to die, for Pete\u2019s sake I\u2019m 18 years old. I haven\u2019t even lived yet and here I am about to die over something so stupid as a spilled glass of beer.<\/p>\n

\n

I\u2019ve just never met anyone like him before, a gunslinger, a cold-blooded killer. When I apologised he looked at me as if I was nothing more than dirt on the bottom of his boot. His eyes are the worst; they really give me the creeps. There\u2019s just nothing behind those eyes; they\u2019re lifeless, devoid of emotion. I could be looking at a dead man. I suppose that\u2019s how it\u2019s so easy for him to kill; he doesn\u2019t feel like normal people. How do men like him become so cold? To him I\u2019m just one more notch on his gun. Oh God I don\u2019t want to die.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s so hot and I feel so sweaty. The perspiration is running down my face and neck; in fact I can feel it running down my back. My hands feel so clammy; I must keep flexing my fingers otherwise I won\u2019t be able to hold my gun. Can\u2019t believe I\u2019m even thinking about doing that.<\/p>\n

Standing here reminds me of when I was a kid. I used to stand for ages in my room waiting for Pa to arrive to give me one of his \u2018necessary talks\u2019. Boy am I pleased those days are behind me. That last time was the worst; in fact I\u2019ll never forget it.<\/p>\n

I thought I was so clever organising that rodeo competition with the other kids. Those horses were so wild and we thought we were good enough to ride anything. Just as well Adam came home when he did or who knows what might have happened. Phew was Pa mad. When he growled, \u201cGo to your room\u201d I nearly fell over myself in my haste to get away from him.<\/p>\n

I must have stood in that room for about twenty minutes. Pa always liked to leave you to stew; either that or he just needed an awful long time to calm down. If it had been Adam that was mad at me I might have been tempted to ride off somewhere and hide out for a while, but that was not an option with Pa. That day the sweat trickled down my body just as it is doing now, boy was I scared. Not that I\u2019m scared of my Pa, well maybe just a little, it\u2019s mainly those great hands of his that scare me. Well, they did, but not anymore.<\/p>\n

I was surprised when I heard Adam asking him to be lenient with me, I thought he would be the one calling for my hide, but yet again my big brother surprised me. When the bedroom door finally opened, Pa filled the space completely. Pa always seemed such a huge man to me when I was younger; there again in my family they all seemed huge to me. I hardly dared look at him; I couldn\u2019t get my breath, my nerves were completely shot, wondering what his decision with regards to my punishment would be. I tried giving him my best \u2018puppy dog\u2019 look, but the moment he reached to unbuckle his belt I knew my fate was sealed.<\/p>\n

That was the one and only time Pa hit me with his belt, but I guess I deserved it. I didn\u2019t understand then, but I sure do now. He was being especially hard because, not only had I put myself in danger, but I had also risked the lives of others. Pa wanted to make sure that I would think before I acted in future. He reckoned that maybe the next time I wanted to do something so stupid I would remember that day and think of my hide before I went off half-cocked. It worked, well most of the time it did, I never forgot that tanning in a hurry.<\/p>\n

I haven\u2019t felt my Pa\u2019s hand on my rear for a couple of years now, although sometimes I think Pa still hasn\u2019t come to terms with the fact that I\u2019m all grown up. Every time he lectures me these days he always starts off with his hands in his pockets, or he stands behind his desk. I\u2019ve figured out why he does this. When he gets really mad he forgets I\u2019m a man and I\u2019m convinced he would still have me across his knee if he didn\u2019t have those few seconds to slow him down. By the time he takes his hands out of his pocket or comes round from behind the desk it is just long enough for him to get himself under control. I think that\u2019s what comes of being the youngest and the smallest. By the time Adam and Hoss were 15, Adam was as tall as Pa and Hoss was even bigger. I\u2019m still trying to catch up, but I think I\u2019m losing the battle.<\/p>\n

What is that man doing? Why doesn\u2019t he get it over with? He\u2019s called me out here for a gunfight and he stands in the open having a glass of beer and taking his time about it. I know he\u2019s doing that to make me even more nervous. Well he\u2019s succeeding.<\/p>\n

Looking up at the sky it\u2019s hard to believe that it may be for the last time. The sun is shining and the birds are singing. Funny I never really appreciated things like that when I could. I would appreciate them in the future though, if I had a future.<\/p>\n

Oh no I want a pee. Why do I always want to pee when I\u2019m nervous? It\u2019s not like I can go now is it. What am I supposed to do? I could shout \u201cHey mister, can you just hold off killing me for a minute or two while I go to the outhouse?\u201d That would be comical if this whole situation wasn\u2019t so serious. I\u2019ll just have to put up with the discomfort, after all, it\u2019ll only be for a few more minutes; then I won\u2019t care anymore.<\/p>\n

I really don\u2019t want to die. Why doesn\u2019t someone stop him? I have all these friends and neighbours and they are just standing there watching and waiting like vultures over a carcass. Why doesn\u2019t one of them rush over and say \u201clet him alone, he\u2019s only a boy, send him home to his Pa\u201d. I hate being called \u2018boy\u2019, but I wish someone would do it now and send me home with a flea in my ear for being in town when I was supposed to be working.<\/p>\n

Boy oh boy I really want to pee now. If he doesn\u2019t hurry up I\u2019ll be having an accident. I can\u2019t believe it; he\u2019s now talking to the saloon girl, the one with the pretty blonde hair. He\u2019s sneering at me, he thinks it\u2019s funny that I\u2019m standing here in the street waiting for him to find the time to kill me.<\/p>\n

I wonder if there really is a God up there like the good book says. Will he and my mama be waiting for me? I hope she still looks like the beautiful woman I remember, or think I remember. They say your whole life flashes in front of you just before you die. Well my flash is gonna be a real quick one, I haven\u2019t had long enough a life to remember much. But I don\u2019t want to die just yet, oh please God I\u2019ll do anything, I\u2019ll try to be a better person, really I will, just don\u2019t let me die.<\/p>\n

I wish my Pa and brothers were here. They wouldn\u2019t let this happen. I would make a fuss, but Pa would still take my gun off me and Adam and Hoss would escort me home under protest, but at least I\u2019d still be alive. Why don\u2019t you come Pa? I need you. Please come riding down the street Pa. Must stop thinking about the family it\u2019s making my eyes fill up and I can\u2019t see properly.<\/p>\n

What do I do now? I can hardly see, my eyes are so clouded over. I don\u2019t need this. If I blink the tears will fall and if I don\u2019t blink I can\u2019t see. There\u2019s no one stood that close to me, I suppose they won\u2019t see the tears and if they do they\u2019ll think it\u2019s just sweat.<\/p>\n

Well I can\u2019t keep my eyes open any longer I need to blink. That\u2019s better, hope no one notices. I can\u2019t wipe them away, I don\u2019t want anyone to know I\u2019m crying, especially him. The tears are rolling down and making my cheeks itch and I can\u2019t rub them. Now my nose is running.<\/p>\n

Why doesn\u2019t he just shoot me? This waiting is killing me. I just want it to be over with. Why doesn\u2019t he just put me out of my misery?<\/p>\n

Ouch that hurt. Must stop biting my lip or it\u2019s gonna bleed. I won\u2019t be any good at kissing the girls with sore lips. What am I thinking of? There won\u2019t be any more kissing after today. It\u2019s just not fair I don\u2019t want to die so young.<\/p>\n

Well he\u2019s finally moving into the middle of the street and facing me. I guess this is it. My mouth feels so dry and my hands are even clammier than they were. I know I\u2019m quick, probably have the fastest draw around these parts, but I\u2019m not a gunfighter. What\u2019s he saying? He will let me draw first and if I don\u2019t he\u2019ll count to three and kill me anyway. One, two \u2018go for it Joe, just go for it\u2019.<\/p>\n

******************<\/p>\n

It\u2019s over. I didn\u2019t even clear my holster. Never have I seen anyone draw so quickly. I know its over because I\u2019m lying face down in the dirt. I can\u2019t move. It doesn\u2019t feel like I thought it would. There\u2019s no real pain. I can\u2019t feel anything and my body just feels limp. My eyes are just staring straight ahead, I can\u2019t turn them left or right; I can\u2019t do anything. So this is what it feels like to die.<\/p>\n

Is that my breathing, it sounds all funny, a bit like Hoss when he snores. I can see people\u2019s boots right up against my face. Who are they? What are they saying?<\/p>\n

I feel all wet. I wonder if I wet myself after all, or maybe it\u2019s blood, my blood, just flowing out of me and into the dirt. I wish Pa was here, oh Pa I need you. Why don\u2019t you come and hold me? I need my Pa; I don\u2019t want to die alone. Pa, please Pa, just come.<\/p>\n

No one is doing anything, so maybe I\u2019m dead already.<\/p>\n

I feel so tired, can\u2019t keep my eyes open \u2013 goodbye Pa.<\/p>\n

******************<\/p>\n

[LESS THAN ONE HOUR LATER]<\/p>\n

What is happening to me? Oh the pain, I can\u2019t stand the pain. My body is on fire. There\u2019s people all around me. Why are they holding me down? Get off me, get off me, leave me alone.<\/p>\n

Hold him steady boys
\nHold him steady boys
\nHold him steady boys
\nHold him steady boys<\/p>\n

Who said that? The words just keep repeating in my brain over and over again. Oh lord, what are they doing to me? You\u2019re hurting me, why are you hurting me? Pa help me, please help me.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s the doc\u2019s voice I can hear. He\u2019s going to operate on me while I\u2019m unconscious. But doc I\u2019m not unconscious. The knife\u2019s going in, I can feel it; oh this is worse than anything I could imagine. Someone\u2019s screaming. Please make them stop. The screaming is inside my head, it\u2019s horrible. Who can be screaming like that?
\nI can\u2019t take anymore of this, let me die, please just let me die.<\/p>\n

******************
\n[THAT EVENING]<\/p>\n

Where I am? What happened? I can\u2019t remember. Oh the pain, why am I in so much pain.<\/p>\n

Oh now it\u2019s coming back to me. Well I must still be alive after all. Maybe someone up there was listening to me.<\/p>\n

Brrr, I feel so cold. My body is shaking. Can\u2019t get warm. Someone\u2019s touching me; I can feel them wiping my body down with a cold cloth. Don\u2019t they know I\u2019m freezing? Are they trying to kill me?<\/p>\n

It hurts when I try to breathe in. I can\u2019t take a deep breath and my mouth is so dry. Thank heavens, someone must have noticed cause there\u2019s water trickling between my lips. It\u2019s so hard to swallow. Maybe if I sat up. No, that\u2019s out of the question, I can\u2019t move. Can\u2019t even open my eyes.<\/p>\n

Someone\u2019s crying. It sounds like Pa. Don\u2019t cry Pa, please don\u2019t cry. I\u2019m so sorry. Why didn\u2019t I listen to you? I sneaked into town when I should of being working, I don\u2019t deserve your love.<\/p>\n

Just so tired.<\/p>\n

******************<\/p>\n

[NEXT MORNING]<\/p>\n

There\u2019s a hand on my brow and it feels so good. I wonder where I am? Am I still in Virginia City or am I home on the Ponderosa? The pain doesn\u2019t feel so bad now, more like a dull ache.<\/p>\n

\u201cDo you think he\u2019s over the worst Doc?\u201d<\/p>\n

That\u2019s Pa\u2019s voice. Pa, oh Pa. I can\u2019t talk, I want to talk to my Pa and my tongue is so thick and useless in my mouth. My family would laugh if they knew I couldn\u2019t talk. This must be a first.<\/p>\n

What\u2019s the Doc saying? Something about it being too early to tell yet. Maybe I\u2019m going to die after all. Please God don\u2019t let me die without talking to my Pa. I need to tell him I\u2019m sorry, but most of all I need to let him know how much I love him. Maybe he already knows.<\/p>\n

******************<\/p>\n

[THE FOLLOWING NIGHT]<\/p>\n

Well I\u2019m still here so maybe I\u2019m not going to die after all. The pain is hardly there anymore. I feel kinda funny; that half sleepy feeling you get when you are just dropping off to sleep, I suppose it could be the morphine that the Doc has probably given me.<\/p>\n

Last time I woke up I felt so cold, but this time it\u2019s different; my body\u2019s stopped shaking and, if anything, I feel comfortable.<\/p>\n

I can actually move my head. Ooh, maybe I won\u2019t move it too far; I think the cattle are stampeding across my brain. Think I\u2019ll try opening my eyes. Here goes. It\u2019s still dark, I can\u2019t see anything. Don\u2019t say I\u2019ve been left blind. Maybe I don\u2019t want to live after all if I\u2019m blind.<\/p>\n

Joseph Cartwright sometimes you jump to the wrong conclusions. It\u2019s nighttime, it\u2019s dark outside and that\u2019s why I can\u2019t see. Looking out the window I can make out a few stars, but not enough to light up the room.<\/p>\n

Careful buddy, just turn your head nice and slowly, that way you won\u2019t get hurt. Who\u2019s that sitting next to the bed? Can\u2019t make it out in the dark? Wonder if it is, please let it be him.<\/p>\n

\u201cPa\u201d<\/p>\n

He\u2019s waking up. Now where\u2019s he gone? Oh he\u2019s just turning up the lamp. It is Pa. Oh Pa am I happy to see you. Trying to smile, but it\u2019s not quite working.<\/p>\n

His hand is now stroking my face so lovingly. How can that hand be so soft? Is this the same hand that came down on my rear so hard?<\/p>\n

Must concentrate, I don\u2019t want to fall asleep before I speak to him. What was that he said,<\/p>\n

\u201cWelcome back son?\u201d<\/p>\n

Now who\u2019s he talking to? Someone else has entered the room.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s the Doc and he\u2019s smiling. He\u2019s picking up my hand and looking in my eyes. Hope he doesn\u2019t start prodding me; I hate it when he does that.<\/p>\n

\u201cWell young man, looks like you\u2019ve escaped death once more. The fever\u2019s gone Ben I think he\u2019s gonna be okay.\u201d<\/p>\n

Pa\u2019s back in front of me again, his touch is so gentle, not like the docs.<\/p>\n

\u201cHow you\u2019re doing son?\u201d<\/p>\n

Come on Joe you can do it, just lick your lips, and move your tongue, it\u2019s had plenty of practice over the years.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m fine Pa, just fine.\u201d<\/p>\n

The end<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

<\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
\n
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Summary: The thoughts in your head when you are about to die. Little Joe knows his time is up but the suffering starts long before the bullet is fired. \u00a0<\/p>\n

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