Summary: Ben discovers, twelve years after the fact, that he had hurt Little Joe and now must reconcile what happened that sad day to begin the healing process. Rating T, WC 4,980<\/p>\n
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It Will Be Me<\/strong><\/p>\n If you hear a voice in the middle of the night saying it\u2019ll be alright, it will be me.\u00a0 If you feel a hand guiding you along, when the path seems wrong, it will be me.\u00a0 There is no mountain that I can\u2019t climb, for you, I\u2019d swim through the rivers of time.\u00a0 As you go your way and I go mine, a light will shine.\u00a0 And it will be me.<\/p>\n (from the song \u201cIt Will Be me\u201d written by Melissa Etheridge)<\/p>\n Ben Cartwright sighed wearily and, after standing there in front of the great fireplace for a good hour, finally sank down into his red leather chair.\u00a0 He looked over at his sons Adam and Hoss and could tell that they were almost as frustrated as he was at the time.<\/p>\n \u201cDad burn it, Pa, it\u2019s been like this every time for years now.\u00a0 I wish Little Joe wouldn\u2019t keep putting you through all of this.\u00a0 He knows it\u2019s hard enough on you,\u201d Hoss announced as he cast a look over at his older brother, hoping he had an idea about what to do this time.<\/p>\n Adam shrugged his shoulders, noticing the hopeful stare that Hoss was sending his way.\u00a0 He didn\u2019t have the answer to the problem.\u00a0 He\u2019d never fully understood why his youngest brother always gave their father a pure fit each year when the anniversary of his mother\u2019s death arrived.\u00a0 \u201cI don\u2019t get it — never have, Pa.\u00a0 Little Joe goes on up to his mother\u2019s grave several times a year, but he fights you about going to pay his respects on the day that she passed away.\u00a0 I can\u2019t remember a time when you\u2019ve not had to force him to join us.\u201d<\/p>\n Ben locked his hands together and his brow furrowed.\u00a0 \u201cThat boy and I had our usual row just before the two of you came home.\u00a0 Then he took off \u2013 I imagine he\u2019s probably out in the barn.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYes, Sir \u2013 Adam and me heard him up in the loft when we put our horses away but he didn\u2019t say anything when the two of us called up to him a little while ago.\u00a0 You want me to fetch him for you?\u201d<\/p>\n Ben gave a tired sigh and replied, \u201cNo, Son, you and your brother put in a full day and should get some sleep.\u00a0 I expect all of us will be going to pay our respects around noon tomorrow.\u00a0 Why don\u2019t the two of you turn in?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYou sure you don\u2019t want some help, Pa?\u201d Adam offered as he stood from his chair and shot Hoss a quick glance, wondering if they should take it upon themselves to bring their brother in forcefully if necessary.<\/p>\n \u201cNo \u2013 I can handle it,\u201d Pa returned and shot a quick look over at the grandfather clock.\u00a0 \u201cIf Joseph isn\u2019t back inside in thirty minutes, I\u2019ll go out there.\u00a0 Go on ahead.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cGoodnight, Pa,\u201d Adam called as he turned for the staircase.<\/p>\n Hoss made his way over to his father and set down a big hand onto his arm.\u00a0 \u201cSorry, Pa,\u201d He whispered and then made his own way up the stairs.<\/p>\n Ben\u2019s eyes followed his oldest boys up the stairs and then he stood once again.\u00a0 It had been twelve years since he had laid his beloved wife Marie to rest, and it never got any easier to cope with the anniversary of her death.\u00a0 He fought back the sad memories of watching her taking that fall from her horse just outside where he now stood, hands in pockets and head bowed looking into nothingness.\u00a0 Ben had witnessed that blink of the \u00a0eye when for a fleeting second, she was almost to the front hitching post and then suddenly lay lifelessly there in the yard.\u00a0 He had overturned the chair on the front porch where he had been sitting doing paperwork and awaiting his wife\u2019s return from riding up to the newly built grist mill which Adam had helped to design.\u00a0 Ben jumped down from his position and hurriedly approached Marie, hoping and praying with every stride that she had only received a bruise or two in the fall.\u00a0 But as he had drawn closer to her still figure he felt in his heart that she was already gone.\u00a0 With trembling hands, he had pulled the beautiful woman who had been so full of love and warmth into his arms.\u00a0 He tenderly swept his right hand through her hair and called her name over and over again while pleading with God not to take her from him.\u00a0 There had been no response, not from God or Marie.\u00a0 He would never again hear her laughter or the way she would call him her \u201cdarling\u201d in those tender moments that they had shared.\u00a0 The sobs rattled in his chest as he called out to the love of his life.\u00a0 Ben\u2019s tears bathed the woman\u2019s face as he carefully lifted her up into his arms.\u00a0 His world had stopped at that moment.\u00a0 Though he had been there as each of his other two wives had died; Adam\u2019s mother Elizabeth right after childbirth and Hoss\u2019 mother Inger after the arrow had stolen her away from him, the death of Marie was the final destruction done to his heart.<\/p>\n The grieved husband walked as if in a waking dream, or rather a nightmare, as he made his way into the ranch house.\u00a0 He was not going to allow his last memory of Marie to end up being there in the dirt of the front yard.\u00a0 Ben knew that he had to bring her up to the room which they had shared before he could even process in his mind what would need to be done next.\u00a0 He hadn\u2019t even remembered how he had gotten into the house or up the stairs.\u00a0 The rest of the day was gone from his memory too, as if it had begun and ended after he had seen Marie\u2019s fall.\u00a0 Next came the vision of the day of her burying and how, soon afterwards, he had left the ranch for several weeks to grieve far away from the eyes of his three boys.\u00a0 He had come home a week before Marie\u2019s and his son, Joseph, had turned five.\u00a0 Ben remembered that milestone and how he had to pretend to enjoy the festivities though all he wanted to do at the time was to join his wife.<\/p>\n Ben shook himself from his annual bout of melancholy and heartache when he heard Hop Sing\u2019s approach coming from the dining room.\u00a0 He turned towards the sound and watched as the man set down the tray holding the coffee pot and cups onto the table in front of the fireplace.<\/p>\n \u201cHop Sing?\u00a0 I thought you\u2019d turned in a while ago?\u201d Ben asked, forcing a slight smile as he made his way over to the cook.<\/p>\n \u201cMister Carlight\u2014Hop Sing need to talk please,\u201d He responded with an anxious gaze directed at his employer and friend.\u00a0 \u201cPlease to sit down?\u201d<\/p>\n Ben looked puzzled by the other man\u2019s request wondering just what he wanted at such a late hour.\u00a0 He moved back to the chair which he had vacated a little while ago and sat down.\u00a0 \u201cSomething on your mind?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYes, please \u2013 Hop Sing sit, okay?\u201d He questioned, knowing he could have just as easily sat down on the settee without an invitation but that just wasn\u2019t his way of doing things.<\/p>\n \u201cYes, of course,\u201d Ben nodded and cast a smile over to him.\u00a0 \u201cHave some coffee with me, Old Friend.\u00a0 How about letting me pour for a change?\u201d<\/p>\n Hop Sing smiled and it was like a northeastern sunrise, or so Ben remembered how one looked from his earlier seafaring days.\u00a0 He allowed his boss to pour and was surprised that he had remembered that he took two teaspoons of sugar in his coffee.<\/p>\n \u201cThank you vely much, Mister Carlight,\u201d Hop Sing nodded gratefully and took a quick sip of the brew before he dared to venture into what he wanted to tell Ben.<\/p>\n Having prepared his own cup, Ben stirred his coffee, never taking his eyes off the cook.\u00a0 He wasn\u2019t easily readable, or at least most of the time.\u00a0 But there was a peculiar intensity to his ebony eyes as they reflected from the flames jutting atop the close by fire logs.<\/p>\n Ben leaned back and then began, \u201cYou wanted to speak to me \u2013 about what?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cMister Carlight \u2013 Hop Sing hear you and Little Joe \u2013 you yell he yell and he leave,\u201d Hop Sing said sadly.<\/p>\n Ben nodded, \u201cYes, I\u2019d say that was about it \u2013 I know we got pretty loud \u2013 I\u2019m sorry if we upset you.\u201d<\/p>\n Hop Sing looked down at the floor and his expression appeared rooted in remorse.\u00a0 \u201cAll Hop Sing fault,\u201d He admitted sadly.<\/p>\n \u201cYour fault?\u201d Ben asked confusion on his face.\u00a0 \u201cNow how in the world can it be your fault that Joseph and I had words?\u201d<\/p>\n Shaking his head woefully Hop Sing replied, \u201cHop Sing keep truth \u2013 too long \u2013 keep truth from you.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI have no idea what truth you\u2019re talking about.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cMissy Carlight\u2014Hop Sing love vely much, like I love all Carlights,\u201d Hop Sing insisted.<\/p>\n \u201cYes, I\u2019m well aware of how much you cared about Marie.\u00a0 But what does this have to do with Joseph’s and my fight tonight?\u201d<\/p>\n Hop Sing fought to get his thoughts together so he could better explain himself.\u00a0 After a few minutes he tried to tell his story.<\/p>\n \u201cMister Carlight \u2013 day Missy Carlight pass to next world \u2013 you remember much?\u201d<\/p>\n Ben sighed and shook his head, wishing that the man would just come to the point so he wouldn\u2019t have to dredge up the past as he had done just a few moments ago, that had been painful enough for the evening.\u00a0 \u201cYes, I remember \u2013 of course I remember.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cHop Sing remember too \u2013 but not think Mister Cartlight remember all that happen,\u201d Hop Sing now turned his eyes directly onto the other man.\u00a0 \u201cYou bring Missy Carlight into house \u2013 you remember?\u201d<\/p>\n Ben simply nodded, unable to get the words out.<\/p>\n \u201cHop Sing wonder if you maybe forget Little Joe,\u201d he said and peered into Ben\u2019s brown eyes, almost willing the man to know what he was referring to so he wouldn\u2019t have to tell him.<\/p>\n \u201cLittle Joe?\u00a0 What does Joseph have to do with that dreadful day?\u201d<\/p>\n Hop Sing nodded his head insistently, now that he was sure that his boss had no memory of the little boy who had been in the room at the time.\u00a0 \u201cHop Sing think you too hurt to remember Little Joe \u2013 but Hop Sing see what happen \u2013 and maybe so you need remember?\u201d<\/p>\n Ben tried not to get angry with his old friend, but he wasn\u2019t following along with whatever the man was trying to relate.\u00a0 \u201cPlease just tell me what you\u2019re saying, Hop Sing.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cHop Sing come from kitchen that day— just to see you pass by little boy playing on floor.\u201d<\/p>\n Ben\u2019s face froze up in horror.\u00a0 He had no recollection of his son having been anywhere around when he had carried the boy\u2019s mother inside of the ranch house.\u00a0 \u201cJoseph \u2013 you\u2019re saying that Joseph was in here when I brought his mother inside?\u201d He posed his question in a whisper.<\/p>\n Hop Sing\u2019s head bobbed up and down as he returned, \u201cLittle Joe \u2013 play with toys on floor when you come in \u2013 he grab onto Missy Carlight\u2019s hand \u2013 he not know better.\u00a0 You pushed boy back \u2013 he fall down — not your fault, Mister Carlight— but Hop Sing see,\u00a0 Hop Sing go to boy\u2014I take in kitchen.\u00a0 Little Joe\u2014he know something wrong with mama— he run out of kitchen to Papa\u2019s room and bang on door before Hop Sing make up stairs. \u00a0He yell for his mama over over again. \u00a0You yell go away then Hop Sing bring boy down and keep in kitchen.\u00a0 Little Joe \u2013 he vely sad \u2013 vely sad boy.\u201d<\/p>\n Ben Cartwright didn\u2019t think it was possible to hurt any more than he already did over the loss of his beloved Marie, but he was wrong.\u00a0 Now that Hop Sing had informed him about what he had said to Little Joe and what he had done to the boy on that horrible day things were beginning to make more sense to him.\u00a0 For twelve years he had to forcefully make Joseph go up to his mother\u2019s grave on the date of her death.\u00a0 He had never understood why his youngest would fight him over going up there since his son had no problem going to the grave at any other time of the year.<\/p>\n Standing shakily, Ben turned towards the fireplace, overwhelmed over the fact that he had no memory of his actions but apparently Joseph still did.<\/p>\n \u201cHop Sing fault,\u201d the cook muttered sadly.<\/p>\n \u201cNo, it\u2019s not your fault,\u201d Ben countered quietly.<\/p>\n \u201cHop Sing know Mister Carlight vely sad on day Missy Carlight go to ancestors \u2013 not want make hurt more.\u00a0 Hop Sing hope you can forgive,\u201d His voice called out repentantly.<\/p>\n \u201cWhy did you wait this long to tell me?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cHop Sing think maybe years make sad go away for both Mister Carlight and Little Joe \u2013 but hear you yell loud\u2014you both yell vely loud tonight.\u00a0 Hop Sing worry \u2013 it time to tell you tonight.\u201d<\/p>\n Ben crossed his arms over his chest and turned back to stare at the cook.\u00a0 His eyes were glazed with unspent tears.\u00a0 \u201cI knocked Joseph down?\u00a0 I yelled at him?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNot mean to do this \u2013 you vely hurt you vely sad \u2013 not know what do,\u201d Hop Sing corrected adamantly.<\/p>\n Ben drew in a deep breath and sighed wearily. \u00a0He shook his head sadly, full of more remorse than his heart could hold.\u00a0 \u201cJoseph grabbed his mother\u2019s hand\u2014as I was getting ready to carry her up the stairs and I pushed him down.\u00a0 He ran up to my room and called for his mother, and I yelled for him to go away.\u00a0 That\u2019s what you\u2019re telling me happened?\u201d Ben just had to get everything settled in his mind before addressing the issue with his son.<\/p>\n \u201cThat right,\u201d Hop Sing nodded.<\/p>\n The two men turned when the front door opened, and Little Joe walked in quietly.\u00a0 Ben shot Hop Sing an apprehensive gaze.<\/p>\n \u201cHop Sing, thank you again— for the coffee,\u201d Ben said and nodded over to the other man.<\/p>\n The cook could tell that the bereaved man in front of him wanted to be alone with his son.<\/p>\n \u201cHop Sing go bed now,\u201d He insisted quietly and padded off quickly into the kitchen and to his quarters.<\/p>\n *** Dear Lord, how do I do this?\u00a0 How do I talk to my son?\u00a0 How can I find the words? ***<\/em><\/strong> Ben wondered as he stared at the boy across the room who simply leaned against the credenza without making a sound.<\/p>\n Joe turned to go to the staircase when his father called out to him.<\/p>\n \u201cJoseph?\u00a0 Will you please come over here?\u201d<\/p>\n Joe looked down at the floor and responded quietly, \u201cI can\u2019t take anymore tonight, Pa.\u00a0 You\u2019ve threatened me enough for one night \u2013 just wait until tomorrow, will you? Then you can start in on me again.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m not going to threaten you, Son \u2013 I just want to talk to you,\u201d He returned softly.<\/p>\n Finally, glancing at his pa Joe noted the difference in his tone of voice.\u00a0 \u201cWhat\u2019s this, Pa?\u00a0 First the hard sell now the soft sell?\u00a0\u00a0 Either way we both know how this is gonna end.\u00a0 You\u2019re going to force me to go up there against my will \u2013 whether that\u2019s by giving me a tanning or whatever\u2014just like it\u2019s been for the last twelve years.\u201d<\/p>\n Ben crossed the living room to where his youngest now stood staring at him.\u00a0 He wanted to reach for the boy, take him into his arms and tell him how sorry he was for not remembering what had happened all those years ago.<\/p>\n \u201cJoseph, please \u2013 please just come over to the sofa and sit down.\u00a0 I promise I won\u2019t yell or threaten you,\u201d Pa pleaded with his son.<\/p>\n Joe didn\u2019t want to honor his father\u2019s wishes but couldn\u2019t help reading something just a little bit different in Pa\u2019s eyes.\u00a0 He almost looked as though he had been crying.\u00a0 Joe acquiesced, walking across the room and settling down onto the settee.<\/p>\n Ben retook his seat in his chair and stared over at his son, fighting once again to find the right words to offer to him.<\/p>\n \u201cJoseph \u2013 can you tell me why you never want to go to your Ma\u2019s grave every year on the day that she passed?\u201d He questioned quietly.<\/p>\n \u201cCome on, Pa!\u00a0 We go through this every darned year.\u00a0 I told you that I go there when I feel like it, that\u2019s it.\u00a0 There isn\u2019t a reason — it\u2019s just the way I do it.\u00a0 The three of you go every darned year and put flowers up there \u2013 and I go stand in the tree line.\u00a0 And every single year you fuss at me and sometimes you punish me because of it.\u00a0 So, why do we have to keep talking about it?\u00a0 You know you\u2019ll get your way this year just like all the others \u2013 until I\u2019m old enough that you can\u2019t force me anymore,\u201d Joe called out defensively.<\/p>\n \u201cSon, I\u2019m not even talking about tomorrow.\u00a0 If you don\u2019t want to go, I won\u2019t make you,\u201d Ben returned, sincerity in his tone of voice.<\/p>\n Joe looked over at his father, stunned by what he had said.\u00a0 \u201cSo, you\u2019re not going to force me this year?\u201d He asked in disbelief.<\/p>\n \u201cNo, I\u2019m not going to force you.\u00a0 But I need to talk to you \u2013 and listen to you \u2013 unlike I did earlier tonight.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhat\u2019s there to talk about, Pa?\u00a0 I mean if you\u2019re saying I don\u2019t have to go up there tomorrow then what do we have to talk about now?\u201d<\/p>\n Ben drew in a deep breath and forced himself to stand and move over to sit right next to his son.\u00a0 It wasn\u2019t going to do to just sit across from the boy, not this night anyway.<\/p>\n \u201cWe need to talk about your mother\u2019s death, Joseph,\u201d He whispered and placed his arm around his son\u2019s shoulder.<\/p>\n Joe felt uneasy about what his father had said and over his presence on the settee there next to him. He never minded his pa\u2019s show of affection; in fact, he had always welcomed it, but now it seemed to repel him.\u00a0 Joe wanted to just move away from the man, and worst of all he had no clue as to why he felt that way.<\/p>\n \u201cPa, she died twelve years ago \u2013what\u2019s the point of talking about it now?\u201d Joe whispered, his body stiffening due to the feel of his father\u2019s arm around him.<\/p>\n \u201cDo you remember the day that she died?\u201d<\/p>\n Joe simply shrugged his shoulders but didn\u2019t reply. He directed his eyes down to the floor.<\/p>\n \u201cYou were almost five at the time \u2013 you don\u2019t remember anything?\u201d Pa persisted.<\/p>\n \u201cI turned five a month later,\u201d Joe mumbled.<\/p>\n Ben nodded and stared down at his son.\u00a0 He could tell that Joe was purposely avoiding his eyes.\u00a0 \u201cYes \u2013 I went away for a few weeks \u2013 do you remember that?\u201d<\/p>\n Joe nodded.<\/p>\n \u201cSo, you remember my leaving and returning?\u201d Ben continued.<\/p>\n \u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThen you must remember the day we lost your mother, Joseph,\u201d Ben insisted.<\/p>\n \u201cOkay \u2013 yes, I remember it.\u00a0 I want to go to bed now,\u201d Joe stood abruptly, his mind urging him to flee the continued questions being posed to him there in the living room.\u00a0 It was becoming a matter of self-preservation now.<\/p>\n \u201cNo, Joseph!\u201d Ben called to his son and grabbed him before the boy could escape to the stairs.\u00a0 He pulled him back to him, locking his hands onto Joe\u2019s arms.<\/p>\n \u201cLet me go, Pa!\u201d Joe shouted, struggling to free himself from his father’s strong hold.<\/p>\n \u201cJoseph, settle down now.\u00a0 What\u2019s got you so upset?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNothing!\u201d Joe insisted vehemently, still attempting to pull himself free.<\/p>\n \u201cIt\u2019s what you saw that day, isn\u2019t it?\u201d Ben asked, lowering his voice.<\/p>\n \u201cJust let me go,\u201d Joe pleaded with his father.<\/p>\n Ben shook his head sadly and released one hand from his son\u2019s arms and pulled the boy\u2019s chin up gently.\u00a0 \u201cYou saw your mother \u2013 in my arms \u2013 isn\u2019t that right?\u201d<\/p>\n Joe closed his eyes tightly to block his father\u2019s gaze, refusing to answer the question that he had posed.<\/p>\n \u201cCome here,\u201d Ben whispered and tugged his son\u2019s arm directing him back to the settee.\u00a0 \u201cSit down.\u201d<\/p>\n Joe didn\u2019t want to sit down he wanted to run up the stairs and end the whole terrible discussion, but he couldn\u2019t, not with the way Pa had him held.\u00a0 Reluctantly he took a seat on the sofa.<\/p>\n Keeping one hand tightly around his son\u2019s arm, Ben sat down next to him again and continued.\u00a0 \u201cJoseph, until my conversation with Hop Sing just before you came back in here a little while ago, I had no idea that you had been here in the living room when I brought your mother inside the day that she fell.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cStop, Pa \u2013 please stop!\u201d Joe begged, his voice full of desperation.\u00a0 \u201cI don\u2019t want to think about it\u2014I don\u2019t want to talk about it.\u00a0 Please!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI didn\u2019t know you had reached for your mother, Joseph— and I don\u2019t remember you calling for her at our bedroom door.\u00a0 I don\u2019t remember any of that.\u00a0 But Hop Sing saw it all and heard it all,\u201d Ben fought his tears as he tried to get all the details out so they could confront the horrible ordeal together to purge it from their hearts.<\/p>\n Joe finally tugged his arm from his father\u2019s control and dropped his head down into his hands and wept both bitter and painful tears.<\/p>\n \u201cYou pushed me down\u2014and you shouted for me to go away \u2013 to leave you and Mama alone,\u201d Joe sobbed, his memories as fresh as they had been twelve years ago.\u00a0 He hadn\u2019t forgotten anything that had happened that day, though apparently Pa had no inkling by the way that he was acting.\u00a0 Joe had lived with his father\u2019s actions, and it was never as painful as it was on each anniversary of his mother\u2019s death.<\/p>\n Ben couldn\u2019t hide his tears any longer after hearing what his son had conveyed to him.\u00a0 He pulled Joe into his arms and held onto him like he would vanish from his life if he were to ever let go.\u00a0 The one tangible thing that his beloved wife had left him was held there in his embrace and the fact that he had hurt the boy so long ago and had never realized it was more than he could bear.\u00a0\u00a0 And to know that Joseph had held onto that secret for twelve years and had never brought it up to him, though he had gone through battles over visiting his mother\u2019s grave on the date of her death, seemed excruciating.<\/p>\n \u201cOf all the awful things I\u2019ve ever done in my entire life hurting you like that \u2013 no matter the circumstance is something I\u2019ll never forgive myself for doing.\u00a0 Joseph \u2013 I didn\u2019t know \u2013 I promise you I didn\u2019t know,\u201d Ben cried and prayed that his son could release his hurt over what had happened.<\/p>\n Joe didn\u2019t make a sound or move an inch.\u00a0 He could hear his father\u2019s soft cries and wanted to understand what had happened and why Pa had acted the way that he had all those years ago.\u00a0 He knew that his father had been swept up in grief, and that was part of it, but to turn on someone you love the way that he had, Joe didn\u2019t understand.\u00a0 He could forgive, but he couldn\u2019t reconcile Pa\u2019s actions that day in his mind or heart.<\/p>\n Ben eventually eased his son back some, though he never released his hold of his arms, afraid that the boy would bolt up the stairs and close him out forever.\u00a0 \u201cJoseph\u2014when it\u2019s my time to face God along with all of those who have died \u2013 if He points out who did the worst harm to someone that they loved \u2013 it will be me<\/strong>.\u201d<\/p>\n Hearing his father\u2019s remorseful words and feeling the hurt that he now bore, Joe couldn\u2019t take it anymore.\u00a0 He turned to stare into Pa\u2019s clouded eyes and choked out, \u201cNo, no \u2013 Pa \u2013 don\u2019t say that.\u00a0 It hurt me \u2013 yeah\u2014it hurt\u2014but you didn\u2019t do it on purpose.\u00a0 I might not have understood that when I was four or five or maybe even just a little while ago.\u00a0 I don\u2019t know \u2013 but right now I know it — that you didn\u2019t do it on purpose \u2013 and it\u2019s not something I want you to feel sorry about.\u00a0 You were trying to say your goodbyes to my mother — I just didn\u2019t know she was gone\u2014or I wouldn\u2019t have acted like I did back then.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThen \u2013 then you will forgive me?\u201d Pa asked, amazed by his son\u2019s acceptance of what had happened between the two of them.<\/p>\n \u201cI already have, Pa \u2013 I already have,\u201d Joe whispered and held onto his father tightly.<\/p>\n *** Thank God. ***<\/em><\/strong> Ben thought to himself as he sat there holding his and Marie\u2019s boy in his arms.<\/p>\n Ben stood at the graveside of his beloved wife Marie and looked across to where both Adam and Hoss stood, bouquets held in their hands waiting for the right time to place them up by the granite headstone.\u00a0 As he recited the Twenty-third Psalm, Ben lifted his head to stare over at his two sons. Each one had loved Marie as though she had been their very own mother.\u00a0 Ben nodded to Adam and Hoss, and they placed the flowers down at her headstone and then stood back up.\u00a0 He had glanced around the area surrounding the gravesite in the hopes that Little Joe might just show up, but that hadn\u2019t happened.\u00a0 But Ben had told his youngest that he wouldn\u2019t put any pressure on him to join them and had kept his word.<\/p>\n Hoss and Adam stood at either side of their father and draped an arm around him in a show of support.\u00a0 They knew it was always a painful day, and this one had been done without any appearance from their youngest brother.\u00a0 Both men knew that it was hard for their father to think of Joe not showing up especially with the rest of the family in attendance.<\/p>\n \u201cPa?\u00a0 You want us to stick around a while?\u201d Hoss asked quietly.\u00a0 Usually, Pa liked to stand alone for a bit after his sons had left just to spend some private time thinking about the life he had shared with the beautiful woman who they all had loved.<\/p>\n Ben looked up, trying to hold back any tears until he was all alone with his memories.\u00a0 \u201cNo, you two go on home.\u00a0 I won\u2019t be long.\u00a0 Thank you for the flowers \u2013 your Ma would\u2019ve liked them very much,\u201d He answered and patted each of his sons on the back.<\/p>\n Once his sons had left, Ben knelt at the grave and faced Marie\u2019s headstone.<\/p>\n *** Marie, my love, another year without you with me.\u00a0 And yet \u2013 you are with me \u2013 in so many ways.\u00a0 Not the least of which is that boy of ours.\u00a0 Hard to believe in another month Joseph will be seventeen.\u00a0 He sure favors you, Darling, in so many ways ***<\/em><\/strong> Ben spoke internally to the woman he had loved so much.<\/p>\n \u201cHere, Pa — add these will you?\u201d Joe asked as he walked up from behind where his father was kneeling.<\/p>\n Surprised by his son’s voice, Ben spun around and looked up at Joseph standing there with wildflowers in his left hand.\u00a0\u00a0 A smile filtered down onto his lips as he looked at his youngest.<\/p>\n \u201cThey\u2019re beautiful, Son,\u201d Ben nodded and placed them alongside the flowers from Adam and Hoss.\u00a0 He stood and stared down at his boy.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019m glad you came, Joseph.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019ll come every year from here on out, Pa,\u201d Joe promised looking up into his father’s eyes.<\/p>\n Ben sighed, still having so much regret over what he had learned the previous night.\u00a0 It still ate at his insides though Joseph had insisted that all was forgiven.<\/p>\n Joe read the look there in his father\u2019s eyes and knew that Pa already had enough to be sad about with it being the anniversary of his mother\u2019s death.\u00a0 He didn\u2019t need any more pain.\u00a0 Joe fought to figure out what he could do or say.\u00a0 Finally, he had the words that might heal his pa. He felt them coming from somewhere deep inside, so he would say them.<\/p>\n \u201cPa?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYes, Son?\u201d<\/p>\n Joe looked down for just a minute at his mother\u2019s headstone and then he turned and looked pensively into his father\u2019s eyes.\u00a0 Settling his left hand onto Pa’s shoulder he smiled and said, \u201cWhen it\u2019s my turn to stand before God along with all of those who have died, if He decides to point out who had the best pa in the world \u2013 well \u2013 it will be me.\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n Ben shook his head, so amazed by the love and forgiveness that his son possessed that it took his breath away.\u00a0 He pulled Joseph into his arms and held him as he looked over at Marie\u2019s headstone.\u00a0 *** Thank you for our son, Marie ***<\/em><\/strong> He thought and then, taking a deep breath, he turned from the grave with his arm wrapped around his son\u2019s shoulder.<\/p>\n Both father and son walked back down the well-worn path, making their way to the horses.\u00a0 From that day forward Pa and Little Joe would honor each anniversary of Marie Cartwright’s death there at the graveside together.<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n The End<\/p>\n Written by: Wrangler<\/p>\n 7-20-26\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0***This, and quite a few of my other story titles, are from the Bonanza videos created by my friend Carol which are on YouTube, she always signs off with “the Cartwrights 4ever” which means a lot to all of those who love the show. ***<\/p>\n (Dedicated to Rob the story consultant and to someone else very special to my heart.\u00a0 As this story is about how a parent can learn from a child, even a young adult or even older, I have to tell my daughter Julie how much I’ve learned from her.\u00a0 It’s hard being the first born, and she had to deal with a lot of my ups and downs trying to do my best as a single parent.\u00a0 It’s only now in looking back that, just like Pa in this story, I worry that maybe I didn’t do as well as I could have, especially emotionally, in her younger years.\u00a0 We all try to do our best, but there’s always room for improvement.\u00a0 I hope she knows how loved she was and is.\u00a0 Maybe someday she will see this and know, but I believe she already does.\u00a0 Like Little Joe in this story, she’s a wonderful and very forgiving soul. I have been blessed to have her as a daughter.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Summary: Ben discovers, twelve years after the fact, that he had hurt Little Joe and now must reconcile what happened that sad day to begin the healing process. 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