{"id":7144,"date":"2004-03-24T16:06:18","date_gmt":"2004-03-24T21:06:18","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=7144"},"modified":"2025-02-27T12:08:30","modified_gmt":"2025-02-27T17:08:30","slug":"beauty-is-the-lovers-gift","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=7144","title":{"rendered":"Beauty is the Lover’s Gift (by Rona)"},"content":{"rendered":"

Summary: \u00a0<\/span>When Joe falls sick with a fever after Julia Bulette\u2019s death, Ben remembers his relationship with Julia.<\/p>\n

Rated:\u00a0 MA (8,380 words)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Beauty is the Lover’s Gift<\/strong><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

It had been possibly the most traumatic few days that Ben could remember suffering through for a long time. They were all exhausted, and none more so than Ben and his youngest son, Joe. Looking at Joe as they dismounted in the yard, Ben thought how pale Joe looked. \u201cAre you all right?\u201d he asked, knowing the answer already.<\/p>\n

\u201cYes,\u201d Joe replied, but it wasn\u2019t the truth. How could he be all right? he wondered. Julia was dead. Nothing would ever be all right again. Turning away from his father\u2019s concerned, all-seeing eyes, Joe led his horse into the barn and took off the saddle, desperately trying not to think, and failing dismally. He knew why Julia had sent him away, and he had already planned how he was going to win her back and convince her that she should become Mrs Joseph Cartwright. It seemed unutterably cruel to him that she had been snatched away from him before he could put his plan into action.<\/p>\n

Not sure what to say to Joe, his brothers, Adam and Hoss, stayed quiet, but they watched him discreetly the whole time. Joe was worn out, it was plain to see. First there had been the trouble with Julia in town, then the fight with the fever that had infected a lot of the mining camps and it had all culminated in Julia\u2019s murder. No wonder Joe looked tired. A sudden bout of almost unbearable sympathy as Joe staggered caused Adam to put his hand onto Joe\u2019s shoulder as they all walked over to the house. And it was only then that they realised that Joe wasn\u2019t just pale because the woman he loved had been murdered.<\/p>\n

Joe was burning with fever!<\/p>\n

*********************<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m fine!\u201d Joe insisted, trying to brush off the concerns of his parent and siblings. But his pale face, with its overly brilliant green eyes and flushed cheeks told a different tale and Ben felt fear gripping his heart. Joe hadn\u2019t looked very well when he came home after the days spent nursing the sick miners and Ben had put it down to his being tired. Joe and Julia had worked the hardest of anyone to help those men. Why had he been so blind?<\/p>\n

\u201cHelp me get him to bed,\u201d Ben told his other sons as he put an arm around Joe\u2019s waist.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m fine!\u201d Joe protested once more, struggling to break free. He pushed against Ben and almost fell as he managed to free himself. He caught his balance with difficulty and took a step away from Ben. He felt ghastly, but put it down to the loss of Julia. \u201cLeave me alone.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cJoe,\u201d Adam said, putting out his hand to his youngest brother. \u201cPlease let us help you.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t need help!\u201d Joe shouted. He backed away. \u201cLeave me alone!\u201d His head was pounding and as Joe turned to go into the house, he was suddenly light-headed. Before he could catch himself for a second time, Joe toppled to the ground.<\/p>\n

Instantly, Ben was kneeling by his side. \u201cJoe!\u201d He glanced up at his other sons. \u201cGet the doctor,\u201d he ordered, hoarsely. \u201cAnd help me get him to bed.\u201d<\/p>\n

At once, Adam hurried off to the bunkhouse to rouse someone to fetch the doctor and Hoss helped Ben get Joe back onto his feet. This time, Joe didn\u2019t protest that he was all right. He meekly allowed Ben and Hoss to help him into the house, stumbling often as his body gave in to the fire that consumed it.<\/p>\n

While Ben helped Joe into bed, Hoss and Adam gathered up the things they thought they would need and hurried back upstairs to help. It would be a couple of hours at best before the doctor arrived. Ben thanked them with a smile as he soaked a cloth in cold water and laid it on Joe\u2019s head.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt ain\u2019t that fever what them miners had is it?\u201d Hoss asked fearfully, for they had lost many men during the epidemic.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt can\u2019t be,\u201d Adam replied, soothingly. \u201cThat was carried by the water at the mine camps. Joe didn\u2019t drink any of that water. This must be something that someone was already carrying.\u201d<\/p>\n

That was small comfort to the worried father. He knew that Joe and Julia had worked themselves to exhaustion before they\u2019d taken a break and with the emotional turmoil that Joe had been going through, Ben didn\u2019t know if the boy had eaten properly, or slept enough even before the crisis had arrived. There was no one he could ask, either, for other than Joe, the only person who knew the answer was dead.<\/p>\n

The waiting was the hardest part. There was nothing Adam and Hoss could do except hover, watching as Ben bathed Joe\u2019s brow with the cool water. Joe appeared to have fallen asleep, but the hectic colour in his face and his ragged breathing spoke of the fight that his body was waging against the fever.<\/p>\n

Doc Martin\u2019s arrival was more than welcome a few hours later. \u201cI\u2019m sorry, Ben,\u201d he apologised as he came into Joe\u2019s room. \u201cI should\u2019ve seen that Joe wasn\u2019t well.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWe both thought it was Julia\u2019s death that made him look so white,\u201d Ben contradicted. \u201cHow were we to know?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m a doctor, I should\u2019ve known,\u201d Paul replied. He bent over the bed and listened to Joe\u2019s heart.<\/p>\n

The examination didn\u2019t take long. \u201cI\u2019m not exactly sure what\u2019s wrong with him,\u201d he admitted at the end of it. \u201cHigh fever and his glands are all up. His throat is sore, too. I\u2019m sorry, I can\u2019t give this illness a name, but we\u2019ll treat the symptoms.\u201d He pulled his bag towards him and rummaged in it. \u201cGive him this quinine to bring his temperature down. I haven\u2019t got much left, but I\u2019ll send for some more tomorrow. It should arrive on the stage the day after tomorrow. There\u2019s enough here for Joe to last until then, should he need it. Apart from that, we\u2019ll try and cool him off and keep an eye out for any other symptoms that might arise. I\u2019ll come back tomorrow.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHis hand was so cold earlier,\u201d Ben muttered, thinking back to the moment when he had touched Joe\u2019s hand in silent sympathy in town.<\/p>\n

\u201cShock, most likely,\u201d Paul replied. He put his stethoscope into his bag and prepared the quinine for Joe.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt ain\u2019t the fever from town, is it?\u201d Hoss asked again.<\/p>\n

There was an uncomfortable silence as Paul gave Joe the medicine. Joe\u2019s green eyes glittered with an unnatural brilliance in the warmth of the lamplight. He said nothing, waiting for a reply. \u201cPaul?\u201d Ben questioned when no answer was forthcoming. \u201cIt isn\u2019t, is it?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt might be,\u201d Paul replied, reluctantly. \u201cI can\u2019t say for sure right now, but it might be. I can\u2019t rule it out and it seems the most likely thing, to be honest.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBut you said it was caused by the contaminated water!\u201d Adam protested, fear flaring in his heart. He shot a glance at Joe, lying so still in the bed. He could see the fear on Joe\u2019s face. Who knew better than Joe what the fever could do? He\u2019d helped nurse men through it, wearing himself to a shadow doing so.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt is,\u201d Paul defended himself. \u201cBut it can sometimes be passed from person to person.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo,\u201d Ben whispered, as the spectre of death appeared in his vision.<\/p>\n

\u201cHe\u2019s a fighter, Ben,\u201d Paul reminded his friend. He looked round the faces. \u201cI\u2019m sure he\u2019ll pull through. I\u2019ll be back tomorrow morning to see how he\u2019s doing.\u201d He smiled at Joe. \u201cYou get some rest now.\u201d He went, leaving behind three men in shock.<\/p>\n

\u201cPa,\u201d Joe whispered, reaching out. Ben went to his side at once, sitting on the side of the bed, taking Joe\u2019s hand and stroking the hair from his hot forehead.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m right here, Joe,\u201d Ben replied, soothingly. \u201cDo you want some water?\u201d<\/p>\n

Nodding, Joe eagerly swallowed the cool water, then lay back on his pillows. \u201cPa, don\u2019t grieve,\u201d he went on, his voice stronger. \u201cIt doesn\u2019t matter if I die.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDon\u2019t say that!\u201d Ben shouted, his voice suddenly very loud in the hushed confines of the sickroom. \u201cYou\u2019re not going to die, Joe! I won\u2019t let you!\u201d Tears were suddenly standing in Ben\u2019s eyes. \u201cIt matters to me if you die! Joe, please, you have to fight. For me, Joe.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cFor us, too,\u201d Adam insisted, leaning in close. \u201cIt matters to us if you die!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cJulia wouldn\u2019 want ya ta give up,\u201d Hoss told him earnestly. \u201cThat weren\u2019t her way, Joe, an\u2019 ya know it. Don\u2019 give up cos she ain\u2019t here no more. She wanted ya ta live!\u201d<\/p>\n

Those words that Hoss spoke were the ones that Joe needed most to hear. He knew that it mattered to his family if he died. What he needed to know was that Julia was not expecting him to follow her into the other world without a fight. Those words told him that his family had accepted Julia and were grieving for her, too, although he wasn\u2019t sure how he knew that. Tears filled his eyes for a moment before he blinked them away. He was so tired. \u201cI\u2019ll fight,\u201d he promised, wearily. \u201cI\u2019ll fight, Pa.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ll be right here with you, Little Joe,\u201d his father assured him. \u201cWe\u2019ll all be here with you.\u201d<\/p>\n

They sat with Joe for some time before he fell asleep once more. Ben stretched. \u201cI\u2019ll sit with him, Pa,\u201d Adam offered in a low voice.<\/p>\n

\u201cNo, you two go to bed for now,\u201d Ben decreed. \u201cI\u2019ll waken you later to sit with him. I\u2019m all right.\u201d<\/p>\n

Reluctantly, Adam and Hoss went off to get some sleep. Ben sat down beside Joe and took his hand. Joe slept on. \u201cOh what a tangled web we weave,\u201d he whispered and thought back.<\/p>\n

***********************<\/p>\n

Julia\u2019s Palace had opened almost two years before. Ben had seen the workmen in the building on C Street and had discovered what kind of establishment it was going to be. He knew that the gaming tables would do well and the saloon girls would be an added attraction for most men. Turning away from the building, he saw a smartly dressed woman standing on the opposite sidewalk, also watching the work.<\/p>\n

Lifting his hat to her, Ben thought to himself that he hadn\u2019t seen her in town before. She was fairly tall for a woman, with dark hair beginning to go grey. She was also very beautiful. Something about her reminded Ben of his late wife, Marie, Joe\u2019s mother. Perhaps it was her clothing, which was much more stylish than the matrons of Virginia City usually wore. Perhaps it was an elusive hint of an almost familiar perfume. Ben didn\u2019t know, but he did know that he was smiling at her and wanted to get to know her better. \u201cMa\u2019am,\u201d he said. \u201cCan I help you?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo, thank you,\u201d she replied. \u201cI was just watching the workmen.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m told its going to be a new saloon,\u201d Ben replied, wondering what her reaction would be. Most women would rather there weren\u2019t any saloons in town, never mind yet another one being built.<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, I know,\u201d the woman replied. A smile played over her lips. Once more, Ben was reminded of Marie. \u201cI\u2019m Julia Bulette.\u201d She held her hand out to Ben, who took it.<\/p>\n

\u201cBen Cartwright,\u201d he responded. \u201cPleased to meet you, Mrs Bulette.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIts Miss Bulette, actually,\u201d she replied. \u201cI\u2019m pleased to meet you, too, Mr Cartwright.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWould you care to have a cup of coffee with me?\u201d Ben asked, after a momentary hesitation. \u201cI was just going to have one myself before I ride home and it would be lovely to have some company.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019d like that very much,\u201d Julia replied, thinking how charming and handsome Ben was. He crooked his arm, she took it and he escorted her to the hotel.<\/p>\n

\u201cCoffee for two,\u201d he ordered and wondered why the waiter was looking at him so oddly. But then, everything that he or his sons did seemed to be big news in town, for reasons that Ben could never fathom.<\/p>\n

It wasn\u2019t long before the two of them were chatting away like old friends. \u201cI\u2019m a widower,\u201d Ben admitted. \u201cI live on a ranch outside of town with my three sons. Adam and Hoss are both grown up now, but my youngest son, Little Joe, is still in school. He\u2019ll be 16 shortly.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cLittle Joe?\u201d Julia echoed. \u201cWhy do you call him that?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh, his mother started it, soon after he was born,\u201d Ben explained, laughing. \u201cIt kind of stuck. He was very little when he was a baby, and I don\u2019t think he\u2019ll ever be as tall as the rest of us, as he takes after his mother. All the boys take after their mothers.\u201d<\/p>\n

There was a hiatus then and Julia looked at Ben, wondering how on earth to tactfully ask the question that now burned in her brain. But Ben was adept at reading faces, and explained. \u201cI\u2019ve been married three times,\u201d he said softly. \u201cAll my wives died.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m sorry,\u201d Julia replied. She sipped her coffee.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhere are you from?\u201d Ben asked, changing the subject.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m from New Orleans originally,\u201d Julia replied. \u201cBut I\u2019ve been in a lot of places along the way.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNew Orleans!\u201d Ben exclaimed. \u201cWhy, Little Joe\u2019s mother was from New Orleans!\u201d He smiled. \u201cBulette. Is that French? Marie was part French.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, I am part French, too,\u201d Julia admitted. She hoped Ben would not ask her if she had known his late wife, but he did, mentioning her name. \u201cNo, I didn\u2019t know her,\u201d Julia replied, honestly. She was relieved. How awkward it would have been to have known her and then had to lie. She saw Ben suddenly glance at the big clock on the wall as it struck five. \u201cOh dear, I hadn\u2019t realised it was so late,\u201d she said. \u201cThank you so much for the coffee. It was very pleasant talking to you, Mr Cartwright.\u201d<\/p>\n

Rising to pull out her chair for her, Ben smiled. \u201cI enjoyed it too, and I hope I can see you again sometime.\u201d<\/p>\n

Knowing it was time for the truth between them, but unable to baldly say to this man what she did for a living, Julia simply nodded. \u201cYou\u2019ll find me at Julia\u2019s Palace,\u201d she replied and left.<\/p>\n

Going over to the desk, Ben beckoned to the desk clerk. \u201cJim, what is \u2018Julia\u2019s Palace\u2019?\u201d he asked. If Jim didn\u2019t know, then no one would know.<\/p>\n

Rolling his eyes, Jim replied, \u201cIt\u2019s the new saloon that\u2019s being done up right now, Mr Cartwright. That was Julia Bulette you were with.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI know that,\u201d Ben snorted. \u201cBut why did she say\u2026\u201d His voice trailed off and he looked at Jim. \u201cDoes she own Julia\u2019s Palace?\u201d<\/p>\n

Jim nodded silently and now Ben knew why he had been getting the odd looks. Everyone seemed to know who Julia was except him. Ben squared his shoulders. Well, so what if she owned a saloon. That didn\u2019t make her a madam. Or a prostitute, he thought as he went to collect his horse.<\/p>\n

But he guessed, from the reactions of the people around him, that it made her both things.<\/p>\n

***********************<\/p>\n

\u201cOoh,\u201d Joe moaned and Ben retrieved his roving thoughts. Joe was tossing restlessly and Ben took the now-warm cloth from his son\u2019s head and soaked it in the cool water again.<\/p>\n

\u201cEasy, Joe,\u201d Ben soothed. He was concerned that Joe\u2019s fever wasn\u2019t going down, despite the quinine.<\/p>\n

\u201cPa?\u201d Joe murmured and opened sleep-shadowed eyes. \u201cI\u2019m\u2026so hot,\u201d he whispered and Ben helped him to drink, knowing that Joe had to keep up his fluids if his temperature was to come down.<\/p>\n

For a time, Joe dozed, but suddenly his eyes opened and he sat up. \u201cGonna be sick,\u201d he wheezed and Ben hastily grabbed the basin he had brought over earlier. He tenderly supported his son as Joe retched endlessly over the basin. \u201cSorry,\u201d Joe croaked as he lay back down.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou have nothing to be sorry for,\u201d Ben chided him gently. \u201cThis isn\u2019t your fault, Joe.\u201d He swiftly removed the noisome basin and came back a little while later with it clean and brought some fresh, cold water, too. He urged Joe to drink again, knowing that the vomiting would leave him even more dehydrated.<\/p>\n

He pulled the covers up round Joe again, although his son was cooler for having thrown them off in the interim. \u201cYou sleep, Joe,\u201d Ben coaxed, for Joe looked exhausted. Dark circles had appeared under his eyes. \u201cYou\u2019ll feel better after a good sleep.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m really sick, aren\u2019t I?\u201d Joe mumbled.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019re going to be fine,\u201d Ben replied, struggling to keep his tone even and soothing. Tears pricked at his eyes at Joe\u2019s words. He hoped that, this time, Joe wouldn\u2019t pick up on his unspoken thoughts, as he sometimes did.<\/p>\n

\u201cI love you, Pa,\u201d Joe whispered and slipped into an uneasy sleep.<\/p>\n

Dashing the tears from his eyes, Ben began to pray.<\/p>\n

**********************<\/p>\n

It was almost dawn when Adam came through to relieve Ben. Joe\u2019s fever was still the same and Ben was loathe to leave him, but he was exhausted and Adam reminded him that Joe needed him well, not sick and Ben finally went off to bed. He slept dreamlessly for several hours, wakening in the early afternoon. The house was still and hushed, the atmosphere somehow expectant. Ben rose and hurried through his shaving ritual, his heart beating faster than normal as he tried to convince himself that nothing untoward had happened. If Joe had taken a turn for the worse, Adam and Hoss would have fetched him.<\/p>\n

Hurrying along the hallway, Ben opened Joe\u2019s door and went in. Joe appeared to be sleeping and Hoss was sitting with him. He looked round when Ben came in and gave him a tired smile. \u201cHi, Pa. He\u2019s about the same,\u201d he said, in answer to the unspoken question.<\/p>\n

\u201cHas the doctor been out?\u201d Ben enquired, crossing to the bed to put his hand on Joe\u2019s forehead. The skin was hot and dry and, close to, he could hear Joe panting as he slept. He reached for the cloth, soaked it and draped it on Joe\u2019s head.<\/p>\n

\u201cNo, we ain\u2019t seen him,\u201d Hoss replied. \u201cAdam\u2019s downstairs having somethin\u2019 ta eat. Whyn\u2019t ya join him, Pa? I\u2019ll sit with Joe.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThank you, son,\u201d Ben replied. \u201cI won\u2019t be long.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cTake as long as ya like,\u201d Hoss replied. \u201cI\u2019ll be fine an\u2019 so will Joe.\u201d Hoss spoke with deep conviction, sure that his little brother would fight off the devastating fever that had so decimated the mining camps around the town.<\/p>\n

Half wanting to believe and half despairing that Joe had lost too much, Ben muttered,\u201d I know he will.\u201d He briefly clasped Hoss\u2019 shoulder and went slowly out of the door and downstairs.<\/p>\n

\u201cHow are you feeling?\u201d Adam asked as Ben sat down at the table. \u201cDid you sleep all right?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, I did, thanks,\u201d Ben replied. He thought how odd it was to be exchanging small talk with Adam while Joe lay so sick upstairs. Yet minutia like this was what kept the world turning. The major events in life, although they seemed to take up so much time and attention, were not the day-to-day events that made up most people\u2019s lives.<\/p>\n

Adam chatted on, telling Ben he had done Joe\u2019s chores and given the necessary orders to the men, but Ben heard almost none of it. He ate mechanically, and without tasting. He was somewhat surprised to find that his plate had been cleared. Gulping down another cup of coffee, he rose. \u201cI\u2019ll go and relieve Hoss,\u201d he told Adam and hurried up stairs again. Adam watched him go. His father was acting strangely and Adam couldn\u2019t figure out why. Joe had been sick before, although this fever was particularly virulent. There was something else going on that Adam couldn\u2019t understand. Finally, he shrugged. He would find out when \u2013 or if \u2013 Ben was ready to tell him.<\/p>\n

**********************<\/p>\n

It was night once again. Paul Martin had not appeared and Ben was worried. He knew how difficult it was for one man to cover such a large area, but he had hoped that Paul would come. Joe\u2019s fever still raged and he was out of his head, despite the quinine. Ben fretted and fussed over Joe until finally his son settled down into a deeper sleep.<\/p>\n

Sitting tiredly in the chair by the bed, Ben watched as Joe tossed and mumbled in his sleep. If Joe didn\u2019t get some solid rest, Ben knew it would be harder for him to recover. He changed the cloth on Joe\u2019s head and washed his hands over his tired face.<\/p>\n

\u201cJulia!\u201d Joe cried, sitting up. His fever-lit eyes only saw what was in his tormented dreams, but as Ben caught him to his chest, Joe clung to him, instinctively seeking comfort. Ben didn\u2019t know how long he sat there like that, but Joe eventually slid into a deeper, calmer sleep, where he wasn\u2019t tormented by dreams and Ben leaned back.<\/p>\n

Julia. Ben thought back to Joe\u2019s return from San Francisco. He was full of chat about the contract, bragging that he had got $5 a head more that year than Adam had done the previous one. He was justifiably proud of himself. But Ben\u2019s heart had flickered when Joe brought up Julia Bulette\u2019s name, chattering on about her, not realising that each word gave away his interest in her. Ben had tried to play it cool, agreeing with Joe that she was a beautiful woman, and saying, no, he didn\u2019t think she had known his mother. But the oblique warning he had thrown out to Joe about Julia had gone right over his son\u2019s head. He blinked back tears; how could he have told Joe that all Marie and Julia had in common were the fact that they were women?<\/p>\n

Closing his eyes, Ben\u2019s mind drifted back\u2026<\/p>\n

**********************<\/p>\n

After his first meeting with Julia, Ben had seemed to meet her whenever he was in town. In fact, it became something of a game for them both, each one trying to greet the other first. It soon became apparent to Ben that they were destined to be friends and he cared not a jot for the disapproving stares of the townsfolk. All right, Julia ran a saloon, where there was gambling and girls. But that didn\u2019t stop her being a beautiful woman and a wonderful, witty companion. Ben found that his trips to town now frequently warranted a trip to the saloon, and soon he had introduced Adam and Hoss to Julia.<\/p>\n

It was only later that Ben realised that he felt more than friendship for Julia. Once he did realise, he wondered how on earth he could have been so obtuse for so many months. He had seen Julia once or twice a week for several months, spending time leaning on the bar, nursing a drink and just talking to her. Finally, he plucked up the courage to ask her out to dinner.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019d like that,\u201d she replied, smiling. \u201cBut it\u2019s a little difficult for me to leave my place. Perhaps you could come here and be my guest upstairs?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThat wasn\u2019t what I had in mind,\u201d Ben protested. \u201cI want to treat you.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, there\u2019s nothing stopping you doing that,\u201d Julia teased. \u201cYou could order dinner to be served here.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIf that\u2019s the only way I can get you to accept, then that\u2019s the way it\u2019ll be,\u201d Ben agreed. \u201cTomorrow night?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cTomorrow night it is,\u201d Julia smiled. \u201cThank you, kind sir.\u201d<\/p>\n

Walking on air, Ben had gone off to arrange for a fine meal to be taken to Julia\u2019s Palace the next evening, ignoring the black looks the restaurant owner gave him. Even then, he didn\u2019t see that his feelings ran deeper than he thought. He thought his friendship with Julia would be a seven-day wonder. In the growing township, there was always something new to see and talk about.<\/p>\n

Until Ben had appeared the next evening and seen another man about to kiss Julia. His temper had flared and he had stormed across to throttle the young man. Luckily for Ben, before he could get there, Julia had brushed the other man away and Ben realised that the man was drunk. But he was shaken and realised the depths of his feelings. He had fallen in love with Julia Bulette.<\/p>\n

Over dinner, Ben was quiet, pushing the superb food around on his plate, with very little of it reaching his mouth. His whole being was filled with the knowledge that he loved Julia. He couldn\u2019t get enough of looking at her. Her perfume tantalised him and he wanted to crush her to his chest and kiss her until they were both gasping for air.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019re very quiet, Ben,\u201d Julia observed. \u201cAre you feeling all right? You\u2019ve hardly eaten anything!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m fine,\u201d Ben replied, feeling like a youth again, despite his three marriages. How did you tell a glorious woman that you loved her? And then he found out how you told her. \u201cJulia, I love you,\u201d he declared.<\/p>\n

For a moment, Julia just looked at him, then she rose from the table and went over to gaze sightlessly out of the window. She didn\u2019t want Ben to love her; she didn\u2019t want to love Ben. Even if he couldn\u2019t see it, they had no future together. The bluenoses wouldn\u2019t let them be married.<\/p>\n

Worried by her reaction, Ben also rose from the table and went over to stand behind her. Her perfume tickled his nose. \u201cJulia?\u201d he questioned, softly and reached out to put his hands on her shoulders, turning her towards him.<\/p>\n

That was the moment Julia knew she was lost. She couldn\u2019t deny her love for Ben. She reached for him, and their lips met in a long kiss. After a moment, Ben drew back, looking into Julia\u2019s dark eyes, and seeing there the love that he sought. He kissed her again, his tongue plunging deep into her mouth. Julia responded with passion to match his own.<\/p>\n

After a few moments, Ben forced himself to draw back. His body was on fire and the last thing he wanted to do was stop. \u201cJulia, I\u2019d better go,\u201d he whispered hoarsely.<\/p>\n

\u201cDon\u2019t go!\u201d Julia commanded, her voice low and husky with desire. \u201cStay, please.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYour reputation,\u201d Ben objected.<\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t have a reputation!\u201d she laughed. \u201cOr not the kind you mean! Ben, don\u2019t go!\u201d He hands reached down and began to open his belt buckle and Ben was lost.<\/p>\n

Catching her hand, he led her to the canopied bed in the next room. Carefully shutting the door, he slowly unhooked her dress where it closed down the back, peeling away each layer of clothing slowly and sensuously. Julia stood there, quiescent, drinking in Ben\u2019s masculine scent.<\/p>\n

Finally, all her clothes were gone and she unbuttoned Ben\u2019s vest while his hands cupped her voluptuous breasts. Soon, he was as naked as she was and they lay on the bed while Ben\u2019s mouth explored her neck with tiny kisses and his hands stroked gently over her silken flesh.<\/p>\n

The fire that burned between them required little kindling. Julia twined her fingers in Ben\u2019s chest hair, her mouth seeking his again and again. In a swift movement, Ben entered her, thrusting deep within. \u201cJulia,\u201d he gasped against her hair.<\/p>\n

\u201cOh yes,\u201d Julia replied, her hands drawing him in again and again when he thought to withdraw. \u201cBen, my darling!\u201d<\/p>\n

The climax was explosive and mutually satisfying. Ben collapsed on top of Julia and thought how long it had been since he had had a woman. Julia chuckled deep in her throat and tweaked Ben\u2019s nipple. He gasped at the shot of electricity that seemed to reach directly to his loins.<\/p>\n

For a time, they lay close together, talking as lovers do, then desire grew once more, and Ben lowered his head to suckle on her breast. Julia sighed with pleasure. Ben\u2019s hand moved lower and Julia bucked her hips up, wanting what only he could give her. \u201cBen,\u201d she murmured, and reached down to prise his mouth from her breast, fearing that she would climax too soon. Ben caught her wrists in one big, warm hand and gently pinned her hands above her head. Gazing into her eyes, Ben slipped inside her once more and rode her until they achieved orgasm together.<\/p>\n

\u201cI love you,\u201d Ben whispered.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Oh, no!\u201d Joe cried, and brought Ben out of his reverie. He leant forward to change the cloth on Joe\u2019s head, feeling that his son\u2019s fever had grown. Anxiously, Ben stripped back Joe\u2019s covers, remembering that he had been cooler before when he\u2019d thrown off the covers. Soaking another cloth, he began to bathe Joe\u2019s chest, hoping that would help.<\/p>\n

It seemed to do the trick. After a few minutes, Joe was perceptibly cooler and Ben did not pull up the covers until Joe actually began to shiver slightly. The heat was not gone from Joe\u2019s body, but Ben was relieved that he had cooled down even slightly. \u201cI\u2019m here, Joe,\u201d he whispered, smoothing the damp curls back from Joe\u2019s forehead once more. \u201cPlease fight, son. For me.\u201d<\/p>\n

*************************<\/p>\n

Ben\u2019s affair with Julia had gone on for another couple of weeks before Ben made the move that ended it all. He spent every day working at the ranch as he always had and then spent the evenings with his sons until such times as Joe went to bed. Then he would go into town, leaving Adam and Hoss wondering who their father was seeing.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s Mizz Robertson,\u201d Hoss guessed. \u201cShe\u2019s a real good cook.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cShe\u2019s older than Pa is,\u201d Adam scoffed. \u201cIt could be Mrs Rennie. She\u2019s a widow and not too old.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cD\u2019ya think its love?\u201d Hoss asked.<\/p>\n

\u201cSure do,\u201d Adam nodded. \u201cI reckon next thing we know, Pa\u2019ll be telling us he\u2019s gonna get married again.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYa reckon?\u201d Hoss asked, beaming. \u201cIt\u2019ll be weird, seein\u2019 someone else here in Ma\u2019s place.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI know,\u201d Adam replied, softly and Hoss remembered that Adam had found it difficult to reconcile himself to Marie\u2019s arrival in their midst, resenting her replacing Inger, Hoss\u2019 mother \u2013 the only mother Adam could remember. Hoss suddenly had an inkling of how Adam had felt then.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhen d\u2019ya think Pa\u2019ll tell us?\u201d he asked, eagerly.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhen he\u2019s ready,\u201d Adam suggested dryly. He glanced significantly at the stairs. \u201cBut he\u2019d better be careful how he tells Joe. Fifteen isn\u2019t a great age to gain a stepmother.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYa reckon Joe\u2019ll be upset?\u201d Hoss enquired, looking suddenly miserable.<\/p>\n

\u201cAnything\u2019s possible,\u201d Adam replied. \u201cAnd with Joe, who can tell?\u201d The brothers exchanged a long look.<\/p>\n

Meanwhile, Ben had gone straight to Julia\u2019s Palace, not caring that he was being watched closely, or that he was being gossiped about. He dismounted and quickly hitched his horse to the rail outside. \u201cBen!\u201d<\/p>\n

Turning, Ben smiled when he saw Dr Paul Martin. \u201cDoc, how are you?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cFine, thanks,\u201d Paul replied. \u201cCould I have a word with you in private, Ben?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOf course,\u201d Ben replied, puzzled and chafing under the delay. He followed the other man to his office, where Paul offered Ben a seat. \u201cWhat\u2019s this about?\u201d he asked.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s about you and that woman,\u201d Paul answered bluntly. \u201cBen, I\u2019ve known you for quite some time, but I have to say, you\u2019ve got me worried now. What are you playing at? Do you realise how ridiculous you look? Going into that place every night? People are talking, Ben and the talk isn\u2019t nice.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cPeople always talk,\u201d Ben replied, holding onto his temper. \u201cAnd what I do and who I see is no one\u2019s business but my own.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cUsually, I\u2019d agree with you,\u201d Paul replied. \u201cBut not this time, Ben. That black eye Joe came home with today. I don\u2019t suppose he told you the truth about how he got it, did he? I bet he told you it was just a playground scuffle that got out of hand.\u201d<\/p>\n

Warily, Ben nodded. \u201cAre you telling me that wasn\u2019t true?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s exactly what I\u2019m telling you,\u201d Paul replied. \u201cJoe got beaten up by a gang of boys after school, who were telling him all about his old man who sees the town \u2026\u201d Paul let his voice trail off. \u201cWell, I\u2019m sure you can guess the rest. Joe defended you, saying that you wouldn\u2019t do that. He lost, Ben. I patched him up afterwards. He\u2019s not hurt bad \u2013 just bruises. So far, he doesn\u2019t know who the boys were referring to. But he\u2019s going to find out very soon if you don\u2019t stop what you\u2019re doing.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI think I\u2019ll be the one who decides whom I see,\u201d Ben replied, icily. \u201cSend me the bill for Joe\u2019s treatment.\u201d He rose and headed for the door.<\/p>\n

\u201cDon\u2019t go away mad!\u201d Paul exclaimed, hurrying after Ben and grabbing his arm. \u201cLook, if an old friend can\u2019t tell you what\u2019s what, who can?\u201d He peered into Ben\u2019s face, seeing the anger draining away. \u201cYou\u2019re serious about her, aren\u2019t you?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, I am,\u201d Ben replied. \u201cGood night, Paul.\u201d He left the office, and stood outside for a moment, drawing in huge draughts of air to calm his temper. So the people were talking about him, were they? Well, by God, he\u2019d give them something to talk about, he swore and hurried off down the street to Julia\u2019s Palace.<\/p>\n

**********************<\/p>\n

The memory of that night would haunt him forever, Ben thought wearily. He had gone into Julia\u2019s place and she had greeted him with a big smile. After a few minutes, she had led him upstairs and they had fallen into each other\u2019s arms as though they were starving.<\/p>\n

\u201cJulia,\u201d Ben said, after they were dressed again and drinking some brandy. \u201cI want you to marry me. Please say you will.\u201d<\/p>\n

Gazing across at Ben, Julia felt her heart contract. She loved Ben, more than she had ever thought was possible, and she knew that he loved her. But she hadn\u2019t expected this. She had thought that Ben would tire of her, or that the gossip would get him down and she would be left with a broken heart. What she hadn\u2019t expected was a marriage proposal.<\/p>\n

For a moment, she longed to say yes. But she knew that she couldn\u2019t do that. Ben was rapidly becoming a very important man in Virginia City and she didn\u2019t want to see any harm come to him because of her. She knew that she was barely tolerated in the town as it was; if she married Ben, they would be hounded out.<\/p>\n

\u201cI can\u2019t,\u201d she replied.<\/p>\n

The hurt that blossomed in those dark eyes was almost more than she could bear, and Julia braced herself to appear unmoved, as though she hadn\u2019t noticed, as though her own heart was not being ripped out of her chest. \u201cBut why?\u201d he gasped. \u201cDon\u2019t you love me?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo,\u201d she replied, her voice harsh. \u201cI don\u2019t love you, Ben.\u201d She hoped that he would think the harshness was just amusement, not smothered tears. \u201cAnd you don\u2019t love me, either. You\u2019re just infatuated with me. It happens a lot. It\u2019s because of what I am.\u201d She looked him in the eye, daring him to deny that.<\/p>\n

\u201cI love you despite what you are,\u201d he cried.<\/p>\n

\u201cNo, you don\u2019t,\u201d she responded. \u201cYou love me because I am a little bit like your late wife. How many times have you compared me to her? But I\u2019m not her, Ben and I never will be!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s not true!\u201d Ben denied. \u201cI love you for you! Julia, please!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo, Ben,\u201d Julia insisted, turning away from him. \u201cI\u2019ve enjoyed your company and I enjoyed you in bed, but that\u2019s it. I\u2019m never going to marry you. I think its best if you go now and don\u2019t come back. Goodbye.\u201d<\/p>\n

Devastated, unable to believe what he was hearing, Ben went over and put his hands on her shoulders. \u201cJulia\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

Whirling, Julia slapped Ben\u2019s face. \u201cGet out!\u201d she ordered. \u201cDo I make myself plain? I don\u2019t want to see you again.\u201d<\/p>\n

Letting his hands drop, Ben retrieved his hat and coat, his hurt brown eyes always on Julia. She kept her face stern and her demeanour business-like until the door closed behind him. She swiftly crossed the room and turned the key in the lock, fearing that he might come back, or \u2013 worse \u2013 that she might go after him.<\/p>\n

Sinking to her knees behind the door, Julia at last gave way to heart-wrenching sobs. It gave her no comfort to know that she had sacrificed her love for his own sake.<\/p>\n

***********************<\/p>\n

Nothing was said at the Ponderosa, but the change in Ben\u2019s demeanour was dramatic. Gone was the bounce in his stride, his beaming smile and his zest for life. In its place was a quiet, thoughtful, withdrawn man. His first act the next morning was to quiz Joe about how he had really come by the black eye. Under his father\u2019s gentle, but insistent, questioning, Joe finally admitted that the boys in school had said bad things about his father. Ben chastised Joe gently for fighting, thanked him for defending his honour and then, to Adam and Hoss\u2019 shock, agreed to Joe leaving school for good that summer.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat was that about?\u201d Adam asked Ben after his brothers had gone outside. \u201cI thought you wanted Joe to stay on until he was 16? It\u2019s only a few more months, Pa.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThere\u2019s no point, Adam,\u201d Ben replied. \u201cJoe doesn\u2019t want to be in school; that\u2019s only too clear. What point is there in making him go back for a couple of months after the summer vacation? He might as well leave school at the end of this term.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHis romance has gone wrong,\u201d Adam told Hoss at lunch time. \u201cWhat other reason could there be?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI thought he didn\u2019 seem hisself this mornin\u2019,\u201d Hoss agreed. \u201cPoor Pa. I wonder who it was.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI suppose we\u2019ll never know,\u201d Adam replied.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

It took Ben some time to get over his disappointment. He finally confided to Adam that he had been in love and that the lady concerned had rejected his offer of marriage. When Adam asked who it was, Ben replied that it didn\u2019t matter. It was over, and that was the end of the subject.<\/p>\n

Taking the hint, Adam told his brothers that they would have to tread a little warily around Pa and were not \u2013 under pain of death! \u2013 to mention this to Ben at all. Hoss nodded solemnly, his soft heart troubled by his father\u2019s obvious unhappiness. He did everything he could to bring solace to Ben, a fact that did not go unnoticed by his father.<\/p>\n

The person that was perhaps most troubled by the news was Joe. He was counting down to the end of his school days with great joy, but he still had to contend with the nasty jibes of his school mates, who had got such a wonderful reaction from him. Several more times, Joe had come to blows with them, although, mercifully, he had not been badly injured, and had not learned the name of Ben\u2019s supposed paramour.<\/p>\n

If only he had learned, Ben now thought, in anguish. Perhaps then they would have been spared this heartache. Had Joe wondered why Julia had wanted to see him, as well as Joe, that night she died? It wasn\u2019t just to tell Ben that she was giving him his son back. That night, Ben realised that Julia had loved him as much as he had loved her.<\/p>\n

\u201cThere\u2019s a certain security that comes from relying on no one but yourself,\u201d she had told him bitterly. \u201cYou and your son have spoiled that for me.\u201d<\/p>\n

Ben didn\u2019t doubt that Joe and Julia had loved one another. But how must she have felt when Joe proposed marriage to her, with his father standing there, having uttered those very words two years earlier? Had she understood when he told her he would welcome her into the family if that was Joe\u2019s wish? Had she understood that he couldn\u2019t risk losing Joe? Ben would never know the answers to those questions.<\/p>\n

Putting his head into his hands, Ben wept.<\/p>\n

************************<\/p>\n

The next morning, Joe\u2019s fever broke in a drenching sweat. Between them, Ben, Adam and Hoss changed the bed and settled Joe in once more. Joe had smiled weakly at them all before falling into a deep, healing sleep.<\/p>\n

It would be several days before Joe would be able to get out of bed, Paul Martin told them when he came out with some more quinine. The fever left the victim weak. However, it was a relief to him that Joe was on the mend and he left, advising Ben to get some sleep.<\/p>\n

Over the next few days, Joe seemed to do nothing but eat and sleep. When he was finally allowed to get up, he rested on the sofa in front of the fire, gazing absently into the flames. He was very quiet, but it took Ben another few days to build up the courage to speak to his son.<\/p>\n

\u201cJoe, there\u2019s something I want you to know,\u201d he began nervously, sitting down in front of Joe.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat is it?\u201d Joe asked, suddenly frightened by the look on Ben\u2019s face. \u201cPa, what\u2019s wrong?\u201d<\/p>\n

Slowly, Ben told his story, looking mostly at his hands, afraid to look his son in the face. Joe did not speak or move, just sat listening, barely able to believe his ears. When Ben at last ran out of words, he glanced up at Joe\u2019s face.<\/p>\n

The anger blazing there caught him by surprise. Joe\u2019s face was chalk white, but his eyes more than made up for his lack of colour anywhere else. \u201cI don\u2019t believe you!\u201d he said, softly. \u201cI don\u2019t believe you!\u201d he bellowed. \u201cYou loved Julia? You were lovers?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cJoe,\u201d Ben began, reaching for him, but Joe was not ready for that yet. He shoved himself off the sofa and backed away.<\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t want to hear any more!\u201d he warned Ben. \u201cNot another word!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBut, Joe\u2026\u201d Ben protested, rising and following.<\/p>\n

\u201cLeave me alone!\u201d Joe cried and fled out of the door, slamming it behind him. Too shaken to react, Ben just stood there, looking at it.<\/p>\n

**********************<\/p>\n

It was only when Adam and Hoss returned that Ben realised that his worst nightmare had come true. Joe was not out in the barn, nor was his horse. Joe was nowhere to be found.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat happened?\u201d Adam asked.<\/p>\n

\u201cHe cain\u2019t have gone far,\u201d Hoss muttered. \u201cHe\u2019s still weak.\u201d Those words sent new daggers of guilt to Ben\u2019s heart. \u201cWhat happened, Pa?\u201d<\/p>\n

Once more, Ben slowly told his story. Adam and Hoss exchanged a long look. They both still remembered their speculation about who Ben had fallen in love with. It had never occurred to either of them that it was Julia Bulette. Now, with the evidence spread out in front of them, Adam wondered how on earth they hadn\u2019t known. And it explained so much about their father\u2019s behaviour towards Joe and Julia.<\/p>\n

\u201cPa, you\u2019ve done nothing wrong,\u201d Adam assured him when Ben fell silent. \u201cJoe\u2019s just surprised and a bit shaken. So are we. But we haven\u2019t just lost someone we loved, the way you and Joe have.\u201d He patted Ben\u2019s shoulder awkwardly, not used to being the comforter for his father. \u201cJoe\u2019ll come round and be back soon.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSure will,\u201d Hoss agreed, stoutly. \u201cHe\u2019ll be home fer supper, ya see if he ain\u2019t.\u201d<\/p>\n

Smiling, grateful that his sons had accepted what he had just told them, Ben still wasn\u2019t convinced that Joe would come round that easily. This news had given him a much greater shock than Adam and Hoss had received.<\/p>\n

Darkness fell, but it didn\u2019t bring Joe back.<\/p>\n

************************<\/p>\n

It was cold and dark, and Joe had neither food, nor a bedroll. He didn\u2019t care. His blood surged hotly in his veins and he didn\u2019t feel the cold at all. How could Pa not have told him about Julia before? Joe shuddered. Pa had said he and Julia had been lovers. He, too, had wanted to marry her. Joe was shaken to learn that the woman he loved had almost been his stepmother.<\/p>\n

Exhaustion closed his eyes that night, for his body had not fully recovered from the effects of the fever. But come morning, Joe didn\u2019t feel like he\u2019d slept. He wanted to scream and shout and rail against the fates that had first robbed him of the woman he loved and then tore apart his memories of her.<\/p>\n

Rising, Joe saddled his horse and rode off. He had no particular destination in mind; he just felt better moving. His thoughts whirled endlessly as he pictured Julia and Ben together. Had she laughed deep in her throat after they had made love, as she had done after she and Joe made love? Had she loved him for himself, or simply as a way to get back at Ben?<\/p>\n

Tormented beyond endurance, Joe urged his horse into a gallop, squeezing his eyes closed against the tears that blurred his vision. He kept urging Cochise on, even as he felt the horse tire and falter. The horse, trusting him, responded. Joe opened his eyes to see the landscape rushing past him and suddenly felt dizzy. The next thing he knew, he was tumbling to the earth.<\/p>\n

**************************<\/p>\n

He didn\u2019t know how long he\u2019d lain unconscious. He could feel his head pounding and when he tried to rise, he was immediately overcome with dizziness and nausea. Joe barely managed to roll over before he was sick. There was nothing in his stomach, which made the whole process somehow worse. Slumping back, Joe took stock of his position.<\/p>\n

Cochise stood a few feet away. The horse was lathered and still panting, its head down by its knees as it recovered its breath. Joe felt a pang of remorse. He shouldn\u2019t have taken his feelings out on the horse. \u201cCooch,\u201d he coaxed and the pinto came over to him, one slow step at a time. Joe was relieved that it wasn\u2019t lame. \u201cI\u2019m sorry,\u201d he whispered, as he caressed the mole-soft skin on its nose.<\/p>\n

Holding on to the stirrup, Joe made it as far as his knees before his stomach rebelled. Another bout of dry heaves left him feeling wrung out, but Joe knew he couldn\u2019t stay there. He lifted a hand to his head, and felt the dried blood near his hairline. With a great effort of will, Joe managed to climb into the saddle.<\/p>\n

It was obvious that Cochise wasn\u2019t going to be going anywhere very fast. At a gentle walk, Joe and the pinto headed towards home. Joe drifted and he relived a lot of his times with Julia. How could he have doubted that she loved him? All the signs were there. Joe\u2019s thinking, which had been so muddled, was clearer now. He could see that she had loved him. What difference did it make to him if she had loved his father a couple of years before? They weren\u2019t together, and Julia was older than Joe was, and had had other lovers before him. Julia had been quite candid about that fact. They didn\u2019t matter. They were in the past. Even Ben was in the past.<\/p>\n

\u201cI over reacted,\u201d Joe said aloud. \u201cHow could I have done that? Oh, what an idiot I am!\u201d He started to cry.<\/p>\n

****************************<\/p>\n

\u201cThere\u2019s Cochise!\u201d Adam exclaimed and the relief in his tone was evident. He touched his heel to his horse and all three Cartwrights hurried towards the pinto horse.<\/p>\n

\u201cJoe!\u201d Ben flung himself from Buck to kneel beside his youngest son who lay face down on the ground. Carefully, Ben gathered Joe into his arms, wincing at the gash along his hairline. \u201cJoe, can you hear me?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cPa?\u201d Joe mumbled. His eyes slit open. He looked confused. \u201cPa?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m here, son,\u201d Ben assured him, blinking back tears of relief. \u201cWe\u2019ll get you home.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cPa,\u201d Joe repeated and Ben looked down at his beloved child, cradled so protectively in his arms. \u201cPa, I\u2019m sorry,\u201d Joe went on. \u201cI was wrong.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHush,\u201d Ben soothed. \u201cIt doesn\u2019t matter, Joe. It doesn\u2019t matter at all.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, it does,\u201d Joe insisted. \u201cI was\u2026stupid. I acted like\u2026a child.\u201d He swallowed. \u201cI was jealous. Sorry. Can you\u2026can you forgive me?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThere\u2019s nothing to forgive,\u201d Ben replied. \u201cNothing. It\u2019s all forgotten.\u201d He beamed up at his other sons. \u201cHelp me get Joe home,\u201d he requested.<\/p>\n

***************************<\/p>\n

The dizziness that Joe had suffered turned out to be a combination of no food and no water. The bump on the head had caused the nausea and Ben was mightily relieved at the diagnosis. Joe was fed, put to bed and slept for several hours. This time, his sleep was peaceful and he felt the benefit of it.<\/p>\n

At the same time, Ben also took a nap, since he had had almost no sleep the night before, worrying about Joe. He was surprised to discover that telling the boys about his relationship with Julia had lifted a huge weight off his shoulders \u2013 a weight he didn\u2019t realise he\u2019d been carrying.<\/p>\n

And over the next months, Joe and Ben grieved for Julia together. \u201cShe was beautiful, wasn\u2019t she Pa?\u201d Joe asked, one night, when it was just the two of them together in front of the fire.<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, she was,\u201d Ben agreed. \u201cEveryone thinks their loved one is beautiful or handsome. Congreve said it in a play. \u2018Beauty is the lover\u2019s gift\u2019.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI thought Julia was beautiful when I first saw her,\u201d Joe replied.<\/p>\n

\u201cShe was,\u201d Ben nodded. \u201cBut love made her even more beautiful.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThe most beautiful woman in the world,\u201d Joe mused. He knew she would forever hold a special place in his heart.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The End.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

<\/div>\n

<\/g><\/svg><\/i> \"Loading\"<\/p>\n

<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Summary: \u00a0When Joe falls sick with a fever after Julia Bulette\u2019s death, Ben remembers his relationship with Julia.<\/p>\n

Rated:\u00a0 MA (8,380 words)<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":45,"featured_media":8484,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"template-full-width-post.php","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[690,13],"tags":[15,16],"class_list":["post-7144","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-ma-rated","category-whn","tag-ben","tag-joe","wpcat-690-id","wpcat-13-id"],"a3_pvc":{"activated":true,"total_views":2025,"today_views":0},"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/06\/JC-01-young.jpg?fit=190%2C270&ssl=1","jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":13630,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=13630","url_meta":{"origin":7144,"position":0},"title":"A Cry for Freedom (by JennieA)","author":"JennieA","date":"January 7, 2003","format":false,"excerpt":"Summary:\u00a0 It started with Ben giving Little Joe more responsibility for the Ponderosa.\u00a0 Little did the family realize the course Ben was setting in motion. Rating:\u00a0 R\u00a0 (65,725 words) Due to subject matter contained in this series, the stories are only available via e:mail from the author -- ryjennie@comcast.net","rel":"","context":"In "Action\/Adventure"","block_context":{"text":"Action\/Adventure","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?cat=2"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/09\/4Cs.jpg?fit=400%2C401&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":2388,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=2388","url_meta":{"origin":7144,"position":1},"title":"Clearing the Mind (by Dodo)","author":"Dodo","date":"April 22, 2012","format":false,"excerpt":"Summary:\u00a0 \u00a0A What Happened Next for The Julia Bulette episode using the words: Joy, Frosting, Dream, Valentine and Sparkling. Rated: K+\u00a0 Word Count: 1550","rel":"","context":"In "Chaps and Spurs"","block_context":{"text":"Chaps and Spurs","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?cat=39"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/01\/3590726348_2.jpg?fit=768%2C576&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/01\/3590726348_2.jpg?fit=768%2C576&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/01\/3590726348_2.jpg?fit=768%2C576&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/01\/3590726348_2.jpg?fit=768%2C576&ssl=1&resize=700%2C400 2x"},"classes":[]},{"id":12147,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=12147","url_meta":{"origin":7144,"position":2},"title":"He Said Not To Tell (by DebbieB)","author":"DebbieB","date":"May 1, 2003","format":false,"excerpt":"The author requests those who wish to read this series contact her via eMail: DLB1234@aol.com","rel":"","context":"In "Drama"","block_context":{"text":"Drama","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?cat=23"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/11\/1-joe.jpg?fit=238%2C226&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":35404,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=35404","url_meta":{"origin":7144,"position":3},"title":"A Book: A Gift of Reading (by fanofoldTVshows)","author":"Fanofoldtvshows","date":"December 25, 2020","format":false,"excerpt":"Summary:\u00a0 A box of gifts arrives with a sender that intrigues the Cartwrights. Rating:\u00a0 G\u00a0 1,609 words Note:\u00a0 This story was written for the Bonanza Brand 2020 Advent Calendar, originated in the Forums.","rel":"","context":"In "Drama"","block_context":{"text":"Drama","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?cat=23"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/05\/Christmas-Traditions.jpg?fit=639%2C480&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/05\/Christmas-Traditions.jpg?fit=639%2C480&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/05\/Christmas-Traditions.jpg?fit=639%2C480&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x"},"classes":[]},{"id":12133,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=12133","url_meta":{"origin":7144,"position":4},"title":"Frightened Beyond Reason (by DebbieB)","author":"DebbieB","date":"June 1, 2002","format":false,"excerpt":"DebbieB passed away Christmas 2021. Any reader wishing to read this series should e:mail the Brandsters:\u00a0 Brandsters2020@gmail.com","rel":"","context":"In "Drama"","block_context":{"text":"Drama","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?cat=23"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/11\/2-joe.jpg?fit=237%2C221&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":13922,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=13922","url_meta":{"origin":7144,"position":5},"title":"Bushwhacked – The Missing Scenes (by Susan G)","author":"SusanG","date":"July 14, 2010","format":false,"excerpt":"Summary:\u00a0 A WHN for the episode, Bushwhacked. Rating:\u00a0 T\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 (6,975 words)","rel":"","context":"In "Drama"","block_context":{"text":"Drama","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?cat=23"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]}],"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7144","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/45"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=7144"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7144\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/8484"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=7144"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=7144"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=7144"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}