{"id":7205,"date":"2014-05-07T18:19:48","date_gmt":"2014-05-07T22:19:48","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=7205"},"modified":"2025-02-18T19:12:17","modified_gmt":"2025-02-19T00:12:17","slug":"an-awkward-age","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=7205","title":{"rendered":"An Awkward Age (by sklamb)"},"content":{"rendered":"

Summary: \u00a0<\/span>Two vignettes giving insight on Adam’s initially awkward relationship with his second stepmother.<\/p>\n

Rated:<\/span>\u00a0K \u00a0WC \u00a02600<\/span><\/p>\n

An Awkward Age<\/strong><\/p>\n

The Lake<\/p>\n

<\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
\n <\/p>\n

The dark-eyed, dark-haired boy sat on the large rock in the moonlight,<\/strong> knees pulled up against his chest, turning over in his mind his soul\u2019s most secret treasures\u2014the angry private thoughts his father must never, ever, guess.<\/p>\n

I loved Ma first.<\/em><\/p>\n

Fact, as certain as any such thing could be. He\u2019d loved Inger from the moment he first saw her, when she\u2019d turned those big blue eyes and that warm smile on a sick little boy and made him feel better at once. It was Pa who\u2019d tried to push her away, snapping like the whipped dog life was trying to make of him in those days. Fighting off the one thing that wanted to save him.<\/p>\n

Ma loved me first.<\/em><\/p>\n

Suspicion, but Adam had few doubts he was right. Inger had given her love to him almost as quickly as he had loved her. There was the \u201cmedicine,\u201d first of all, and then she had followed him to the lonely boardinghouse room and played the music box for him, and stood up for him to Pa, even when Pa frightened her. She\u00a0had<\/em>\u00a0been frightened, and angry, too. Her love for Pa came later. Adam knew that, just as he knew she had loved his Pa more in the end. Perhaps because of that, he treasured all the more the knowledge that Pa had not been the first Cartwright man in her heart.<\/p>\n

I loved Ma more.<\/em><\/p>\n

This was the unforgiveable thought, one that only months ago he would never have dared to consider\u2014yet now it seemed as unquestionably true as either of the others. Adam didn\u2019t want another mother, didn\u2019t feel he needed one. He\u2019d promised Inger after she died that he\u2019d take care of Hoss for her, and he had; Hoss didn\u2019t need a mother either. Now Pa had come home from New Orleans with another woman, another wife because Inger hadn\u2019t been enough for him. Adam knew why. He lived on a ranch, he knew what drove the bulls and the stallions when they made the new calves and the foals. When Pa looked at Marie that way (and he was\u00a0not<\/em>\u00a0going to call her \u2018Ma,\u2019 whatever he was told to do!) it made Adam\u2019s stomach turn. His Pa was not an animal. They\u2019d tried to make him one once, and Inger, his real Ma, had rescued him. A woman who was turning his Pa back to a beast was nothing that belonged on the Ponderosa, nothing Adam could love.<\/p>\n

There was a noise behind him, and Adam snapped his head around to see Marie. She settled on the ground beside his rock, apparently not worried about staining her fine dress. \u201cDo you mind my coming here, mon p\u2019tit? It is very beautiful, the lake.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t mind, ma\u2019am,\u201d Adam lied. His father wouldn\u2019t tolerate any other response, he knew.<\/p>\n

At least she didn\u2019t chatter. They sat in silence, watching the moonlight on the rippling water. A huge stag elk came out of the trees to drink, and Marie caught her breath, then spoke at last. \u201cHe reminds me of your father, Adam.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cMy Pa\u2019s no animal!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOf course not,\u201d she said gently. \u201cBut if we can see animals in people, and be ashamed, why shouldn\u2019t we sometimes see people in animals and be glad? Look at him, Adam. See the deep chest? The pride in what he\u2019s won, and holds? The strength? And yes, mon p\u2019tit, the love? Isn\u2019t that like our Ben?\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam had looked again, and this time saw what she meant. As the elk turned his head towards them, Adam felt the same shiver he always had when under his Pa\u2019s intent stare.<\/p>\n

She must love him very much to understand that\u2026.<\/em><\/p>\n

With that thought, the heavy rocks of his secrets began, slowly, to crumble into sand.<\/p>\n

*****<\/p>\n

The dark-eyed, graying-haired man settled gingerly on the rock and pulled his knees up against his chest, turning over in his mind his most secret thoughts\u2014the angry private sorrows he must never, ever, share.<\/p>\n

My brother is dead.<\/em><\/p>\n

Fact, undeniable. The headstone was behind him, next to Marie\u2019s; he\u2019d read the inscription so often he no longer needed to see it. Tears couldn\u2019t wash the truth of it from his memory.<\/p>\n

My pa is dying.<\/em><\/p>\n

Suspicion, this, but most probably true. Dr. Martin\u2014and why did it seem he had aged so much more gracefully than Pa?\u2014wouldn\u2019t commit himself, but his very evasiveness told Adam the worst. It was as if a mountain was about to shatter into dust and blow away.<\/p>\n

I should never have tried to come home.<\/em><\/p>\n

A guess, but thinking back over the last few days, and especially the last hour or so, it was hard to argue with that fear. Elizabeth, clutching the unfortunate Spot in her arms, screaming at everyone to leave her alone. Linda, after Elizabeth had finally been put to bed, pale and complaining of headache, head turned away from him to hide her tears. Pa thundering out his displeasure with his granddaughter\u2019s behavior. Jamie\u2019s look of horrified surprise, touched with disappointment. Joe\u2014and despite all the letters, all that Adam had been told, it was impossible not to feel that Joe was the only brother he had left\u2014Joe not even there. Joe gone chasing after justice for the wife Adam had never known, the baby Adam had not been told was on the way. Disloyal as his third sorrow was, it was somehow the most persuasive of them all, and knowing that tore at Adam\u2019s heart unmercifully.<\/p>\n

He looked out over the lake, turning his back on the pair of headstones, and saw a graceful white bird at the shore\u2019s edge. A heron, or perhaps a crane\u2026he\u2019d never studied birds as closely as he had the animals around him.<\/p>\n

It reminds me of you, Marie\u2026.<\/em><\/p>\n

Gradually Adam began to populate that shore with the memory of other creatures he had watched in other times. The massive, proud stag elk Marie had compared to his father. A giant bear ambling down to the water to fish. A mule deer, delicate in appearance yet swift and eager to defend what was his.<\/p>\n

A wildcat, sleek and dark and solitary, as much at home here as any of the others.<\/p>\n

Although he did not know it, Adam\u2019s frown had softened; one side of his mouth was beginning to twitch upwards in a smile.<\/p>\n

He reached for the flat, heavy stones of his grief and sent them skipping out over the moonlit surface of the lake.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n<\/div>\n

<\/div>\n

<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Gambling<\/p>\n

<\/div>\n
\n

 <\/p>\n

When I hear people say my father\u2019s not a gambling man,<\/strong> I always feel like laughing. Pa isn\u2019t a betting man, or much of a card-player, but gambling\u2014oh, he gambles, and no, he hasn\u2019t always won, though he\u2019s treated as a modern Midas by far too many people. (When your golden touch is only a metaphor, the drawback isn\u2019t always obvious. In our case, it\u2019s been the number of strangers who decide to hate us for no other reason than that we\u2019ve turned luck and sweat and foresight into a well-run ranch.)<\/p>\n

Pa\u2019s first big gamble was leaving the sea and going into business with the man he hoped would become his father-in-law. It paid off well enough, though my grandfather may have been more liability than asset. The second gamble\u2014well, most people don\u2019t call it a gamble at all; they say my father was \u201cfollowing his dream.\u201d True enough, but the jealous men who now call us those \u201chigh and mighty Cartwrights\u201d would have despised the drifter my father\u2019s first attempt to \u201cfollow his dream\u201d made out of him. I\u2019ll never know quite how that happened; I only have dim memories I\u2019m sure come as much from the few stories he tells us as from my own observations. Those memories, and a great dislike of being cold. But when we met Mama\u2014my first stepmother\u2014gamblers would say our luck turned.<\/p>\n

Mama truly was no gambler. It wasn\u2019t that she disapproved of taking risks, or thought playing cards was sinful. Mama simply lived her life discovering the best thing to be done, and doing it joyfully. Making sick children and angry men healthy again came high on her list of \u201cbest things,\u201d and Pa and I both benefitted. By the time Pa and Mama married they both knew the worth of what they had\u2014and almost at once, with Mama\u2019s encouragement, Pa rolled the dice again, double or nothing. Would he have done it if he had known what the cost would be?\u00a0 I don\u2019t know, but I doubt Mama would have loved a man who let caution keep him from his heart\u2019s desire.<\/p>\n

Whatever Pa\u2019s regrets, he went on gambling; he gambled that there was a living to be made on the eastern slopes of the Sierras, that he could live in peace with the Indians already there, that fur-trading and timber could become the foundation of a profitable ranch. He backed up all those gambles with a lot of hard work\u2014his, mine, and plenty of others\u2019\u2014and people looking back seem to have forgotten how long the odds really were against us. By the time he set off to New Orleans with a fine load of furs and a message for Jean de Marigny\u2019s widow, he\u2019d made as secure a life for us all as was possible. So, of course, my father met Marie de Marigny and gambled with his largest stake of all. Maybe not double or nothing this time, but very nearly so. By then I was old enough to recognize that he had\u00a0 risked not just his own happiness, but also mine and Hoss\u2019, and still young enough to resent that. Exactly the right age, as it turned out, to resent Marie the most.<\/p>\n

What I wasn\u2019t old enough to understand, at least for a long time, was that even though Marie had worked in a gambling house and could play more card games than Pa had ever heard of, she was no more a gambler than Mama. She had a cold, hard eye for the odds and never bet against them\u2014except once. Pa may have laid all his worldly goods on the line for her, but Marie was Catholic by birth and training, and she was staking her soul on him and his. The \u201chis\u201d being, for the most part, entirely unknown to her. It was years before I realized that the wilderness of Nevada, the jumble of buildings in which we lived, and most of all the two freshly scrubbed boys waiting for their father must have come as even more of a shock to Marie than she did to me.<\/p>\n

Hoss, of course, loved her the moment she smiled at him, and despite her awkwardness around us I could see she loved him too. Young as he was he showed her how much beauty there was in our wilderness. He would say, wide-eyed and smiling, \u201cAdam take Mama to lake?\u201d and I would wince at his use of that title but go out and saddle the horses. If I said nothing to her except what politeness demanded, Hoss talked enough for us both, or so I thought. Pa appeared satisfied as well; at least, when I called Marie \u201cm\u00e8re M\u2019rie,\u201d he let it pass. Marie smiled a lot and said little more to me than I did to her. Never having seen the inside of a gaming house, it didn\u2019t occur to me that she had of necessity learned to smile convincingly no matter how she actually felt.<\/p>\n

Then came the day, a few months later, when I finally made her cry. I\u2019d been perfectly polite to her all through dinner, and every one of my polite comments was something I knew would bother her for reasons Pa wouldn\u2019t understand. I meant to get a reaction from her\u2014something besides that patient, lying smile. By now I was sure she cared for me as little as I did for her, and I was after proof. Sometime near the end of the meal one of my barbs caught Pa\u2019s attention. His brows came together and he gave me one of his \u201clooks\u201d as he told me to go check on the horses in the barn.<\/p>\n

I took my time. Marie didn\u2019t like it when he punished me (which did nothing to make me think better of her) and I knew I was safer staying away from Pa for a little while. When I came quietly back into the house they\u2019d moved over by the fireplace, where I couldn\u2019t see them very well. She was speaking French, which she only did when she was very upset, and Pa was making soft soothing noises, and holding her in his arms, I was sure. He had no business doing that to anyone but Mama. My Mama\u2014Hoss\u2019 mother. Not this imposter.<\/p>\n

Finally she was calm enough to speak in English again. \u201cOh, Ben, it\u2019ll never be right\u2026he doesn\u2019t have to love me, and he minds me very well, cheri, but I want to love\u00a0him<\/em>\u2014he\u2019s yours and you love him so\u2014and he makes me so cold and cruel instead\u2026.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBecause that\u2019s how he is to you,\u201d Pa growled. \u201cWell, I can stop that, at least.\u201d<\/p>\n

I felt ashamed of myself, trying to fool Pa that way; I had to admit I\u2019d earned this talking-to. Marie didn\u2019t seem to agree, though. \u201cYou can\u2019t punish him for not loving me, cheri, or even for reminding me I promised to visit the Milfords tomorrow.\u201d She didn\u2019t sound angry, as I\u2019d expected, only tired.<\/p>\n

\u201cI thought you liked Cora Milford,\u201d Pa said in surprise.<\/p>\n

I could almost hear that meaningless smile reappearing on Marie\u2019s face. \u201cI do\u2014but she doesn\u2019t like me. She says I\u2019m a dance-hall hussy.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWith Cora, that doesn\u2019t mean she dislikes you,\u201d Pa reassured her. \u201cYou should hear what she calls Enos.\u201d Marie gave a rather doubtful chuckle, but Pa went on more seriously, \u201cWho told you she said that? Adam?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOf course not!\u201d Marie snapped back. \u201cIt was Hoss\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n

Yes, I admitted to myself, because I told him to ask you what it meant. And I knew it wasn\u2019t nice.<\/p>\n

\u201cHe thought she had the two of us confused,\u201d Marie finished. By now I suspected her smile had grown honest. Hoss could always make her happy; she\u2019d patted and kissed him even while he was\u00a0 repeating Cora\u2019s insult to her. I felt ashamed of myself about that, too, as I thought it all over again.<\/p>\n

Pa was not smiling, that was certain. \u201cI\u2019ll wager Adam was still behind it somehow. So sharp he\u2019ll cut himself, that boy is sometimes.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHe doesn\u2019t have to love me,\u201d Marie said again, sounding more tired than before. \u201cBut, Ben, how can you love me if I never love your son?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNever is a long time,\u201d Pa said gently. \u201cHe\u2019s as loving in his way as Hoss, and once you find that out you\u2019ll love him very much.\u201d He turned around and looked straight at me, so directly I realized he knew exactly where I was and what I was doing. I edged back to the door, opened it from the inside and closed it again quite noisily. Marie looked up, eyes only slightly red, and smiled, and this time I made myself smile back.
\n \n<\/p><\/div>\n

<\/div>\n
Disclaimer:<\/span>\u00a0All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.<\/div>\n
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<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Summary: \u00a0Two vignettes giving insight on Adam’s initially awkward relationship with his second stepmother. \u00a0<\/p>\n

Rated:\u00a0K \u00a0WC \u00a02600<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":36,"featured_media":5719,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"template-full-width-post.php","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[1005,23,30],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-7205","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-adam-cartwright","category-drama","category-prequels","wpcat-1005-id","wpcat-23-id","wpcat-30-id"],"a3_pvc":{"activated":true,"total_views":1901,"today_views":1},"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/05\/Marie.jpg?fit=640%2C480&ssl=1","jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":36353,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=36353","url_meta":{"origin":7205,"position":0},"title":"Amy (by Annie K Cowgirl)","author":"Annie K Cowgirl","date":"April 23, 2021","format":false,"excerpt":"Summary: Gone was the awkward school girl I\u2019d once known. 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Prequel\/Young Cartwrights\/Humor \u00a0Rated:\u00a0K+ \u00a0WC \u00a0700","rel":"","context":"In "Brothers"","block_context":{"text":"Brothers","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?cat=1009"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":4008,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=4008","url_meta":{"origin":7205,"position":4},"title":"From Joe to Adam (by Trinity)","author":"Trinity","date":"April 27, 2014","format":false,"excerpt":"Summary: \u00a0A type of poem I learned how to write in my English 3 class. \u00a0 Rated:\u00a0K+ \u00a0WC \u00a033","rel":"","context":"In "Poetry"","block_context":{"text":"Poetry","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?cat=9"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/04\/adamjoe4.jpg?fit=400%2C319&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":7307,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=7307","url_meta":{"origin":7205,"position":5},"title":"Home Alone (by Sibylle)","author":"Sibylle","date":"May 7, 2014","format":false,"excerpt":"Summary: \u00a0\u00a0Hoss and Joe\u00a0alone at home. 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