{"id":7322,"date":"2014-05-07T23:17:03","date_gmt":"2014-05-08T03:17:03","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=7322"},"modified":"2025-02-18T19:12:15","modified_gmt":"2025-02-19T00:12:15","slug":"hosss-journal","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=7322","title":{"rendered":"Hoss’ Journal (by Sibylle)"},"content":{"rendered":"

Summary: \u00a0<\/span>Hoss’ Journal (1849-1853) A “Camp in the Pines” story<\/p>\n

During the four and a half years when Adam’s away at college, Hoss grows from a boy into a young man. In the process he learns a lot about big brothers, girls, love, and especially himself, but Joe and Adam are seldom far from his thoughts. A prequel.<\/p>\n

Rated:<\/span>\u00a0K+ \u00a0WC 25,500<\/span><\/p>\n

\n

Story Notes:<\/b><\/em><\/p>\n

Sklamb, I can’t say how grateful I am for your patience and many suggestions over the last two months. Faust, your contributions were also very precious to me! Thank you both!<\/em><\/p>\n

***<\/p>\n

Hoss’ Journal<\/strong><\/p>\n

Dear Hoss,<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I hope you found this gift I slipped into your bed without spending an uncomfortable night sleeping on its edges!<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I know you are sad now because it’s hard being left behind. I’m sad, too. Leaving – especially leaving you, with whom I’ve shared almost all the life I can remember \u2013 isn\u2019t easy, either.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Do you remember how we would console each other at night when we were upset or grieving? Don\u2019t think that just because I was older I never took comfort from you. Have I ever said how much that always meant to me? I hope this letter can console you a bit now! Be sure, Hoss, I will return. I love you, my family, and the Ponderosa!<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

But there are also so many new possibilities for us both to experience. I\u2019ll write you often about my college life, but things will be different for you, too, since you\u2019ll become the oldest son.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Now about the gift.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

It\u2019s a journal. When I was a boy, on the journey here and during the early years while you were little, I wrote all the things I couldn\u2019t or wouldn\u2019t talk about with Pa in my journal and pretended I was writing to a friend. Now, I write in a diary every day to clarify my thoughts and feelings, the way Pa does.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I hope you will try doing one thing or the other with this, and that it helps you as it did me.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The money I put inside is in case you need some without having to ask Pa.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Please, Hoss, take care of yourself and of Little Joe. You are now the big brother! And I know you will be a very good one.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

With love,<\/p>\n

Your brother Adam<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

P.S.: Look out for Pa too; even he might need you more now.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The First year of Adam\u2019s college time<\/strong><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

July 19, 1849 (aged 12)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Hello Journal,<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I\u2019m not sure if you are a friend. I don\u2019t like blank pages a lot. It reminds me of school. But I have glued Adam\u2019s letter on the first page so maybe you can be a friend.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam left three days ago and I miss him. Miss him badly. I know he\u2019s after more book-learning, it\u2019s what he wants and I hope he\u2019s happy. But why must he want this so much! Joe is awful unhappy too. He doesn\u2019t understand and he has nightmares like when Ma died two years ago. Hey, Journal, is it fair that for one brother to be happy another has to suffer? How could Adam be so selfish? I should write and tell him how upset Joe is. Maybe he would come back!<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

July 19 (later), 1849 (aged 12)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Hello Journal again,<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I thought it over some more.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Sure he\u2019d come back. But then? He\u2019d hurt inside. I know him. Even Pa couldn\u2019t always see when Adam\u2019s sad, but I can. No, Adam isn\u2019t selfish. He spent his first years travelling with Pa, helped build up the Ponderosa and took care of me and Little Joe. He\u2019s 19 now, so it\u2019s really his turn to do what he likes. It\u2019s not unfair. Sorry, I called you selfish, Adam. But it\u2019s hard for us. I hope these four years go really quick.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I can try cheering Joe up. We could go riding together if Pa says yes.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

July 20, 1849 (aged 12)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I thought I heard noises from Adam\u2019s room around midnight yesterday but maybe I imagined them because I wished to hear him; or maybe it was just the beams creaking. The room looked unchanged and empty on the morning. I missed him again.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

July 21, 1849 (aged 12)<\/p>\n

Hello Journal,<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Yesterday Pa asked me if I would like going to bed an hour later. Staying up later always was Adam\u2019s privilege as the oldest. No, not always\u2013I remember Adam arguing hard for it after we had separate rooms. I think it was Ma that convinced Pa then.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Now I\u2019m the oldest, and Pa and I sat on the porch. It felt strange and good at the same time. We talked about our day and how good Joe is with the horses. Then I asked him to tell me the story about him and Adam meeting my mama.<\/em>\u00a0I like hearing this story because Pa and Adam are always happy when they tell it and I like their banter about who loved her first. I\u2019m so proud that it’s my mama they loved so much. Because Adam wasn\u2019t there I said his line about how he loved her first, and Pa, like always, answered that Adam only said it aloud first. We laughed together and I felt good for the first time since Adam left. Pa too.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Later in bed I was reminded of another incident with Adam\u2019s bedtime.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I remembered a night six years ago when Pa\u2019s yelling and Ma\u2019s screams woke me up, and I smelled smoke. I was about to get out of my room when I realized that a very angry Pa was yelling at Adam; so I closed my door quickly and went back to bed. In the morning I learned that Adam was reading under his bedcover and almost burned himself and the whole house down. First he wasn\u2019t allowed any lights in his room but after a few weeks Pa gave him permission to read in bed for half an hour, only he\u2019d get another tanning if he ever moved the oil lamp from his nightstand again!<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I know Ma wasn\u2019t happy with that decision because she was always scared for our health. But Pa knew it was safer so\u2013for sure, there\u2019s no way to keep Adam from his books (or his wish to learn). What I still don\u2019t know today is why he burned his bedcover\u2013he had lots of practice reading with a candle or a lamp under it.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

July 22, 1849 (aged 12)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Hi Journ,<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

My teacher\u2019d be right proud of me writing a long essay like yesterday. But I\u2019m happy it\u2019s summer and no teacher\u2019s around!<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I write because I\u2019m so happy. Pa, Joe and me are going to the lake today after services. Joe and I\u2019ll sit still and hear the preacher\u2019s sermon (or\u00a0 pretend to). It\u2019s only an hour and then we will have a whole day just for fun together. Bye Journ!<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

July 26, 1849 (aged 12)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Hi Journ,<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Sunday was fine.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

It was a very hot day and Joe and I cavorted a lot with Pa in the water. We tried to duck him and splash water on him but he was mostly quicker and ducked us first, calling us a frog army that tried to sink a battleship. It was so funny and sometimes the frog army won and when Pa emerged we shouted, \u201cQuack, quack!\u201d But then we had to flee because of the battleship\u2019s revenge attack. We played until Joe looked all blue, then we warmed up lying on the heated cliffs in the sunshine, and Pa told us we looked like seals in the harbour of San Francisco. Later he gave us each swimming challenges. He bet me that I couldn\u2019t swim half an hour and Joe fifteen minutes without stopping. But we both won our bets! Joe still doesn\u2019t swim real calmly yet but he has staying power. So Pa gave us permission to swim unsupervised this summer in the small pond near the house.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

On the way back, when we started singing, I missed Adam again. It was like getting a quick cramp in my heart. Joe and I always sang the main tune along with Adam, and Pa sang harmony. Without Adam it\u2019s not so easy keeping to the tune.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I almost forgot to write about the picnic: We had roast chicken, sandwiches, apples, boiled eggs and a big cake. Great!<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

July 31, 1849 (aged 12)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Joe and I went swimming and fishing the last few days after chores. Pa told Joe he has to mind me and he did.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Pa and I sat on the porch each evening and he gave me permission to stay up to write my Journal afterwards because he also writes in his diary to sum up the day just before he goes to bed.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

August 8, 1849 (aged 12)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Hi Journ,<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

You know what Joe told me today?\u00a0 \u201cDon\u2019t boss me around!\u201d He always drove Adam crazy with that sentence. It\u2019s really not so easy to supervise others.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Thinking about Adam I remember: tonight I\u2019m sure I heard noises from his room again, they are real. Maybe there is a mouse. I\u2019ll put the cat in there tomorrow.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

August 9, 1849 (aged 12)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Uh, huh, Journ,<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I\u2019m a little out of breath and in a hurry so that Pa won\u2019t see I\u2019m writing so late after he already said Good night to me. Don\u2019t be mad that I\u2019m scribbling so spidery in you.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

While I was in bed and almost falling asleep I heard those noises again from Adam\u2019s room. Very clearly footsteps and scratching. I was wide awake at once. The noises didn\u2019t go away. I was about to call Pa but then I plucked up my courage and tiptoed cautiously to Adam\u2019s room and opened the door. Whoosh. Something darted suddenly between my legs.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I was about to cry out when I realized it was the cat I had forgotten. I\u2019m glad I didn\u2019t call Pa, so I could take Blackie outside without having to explain why he was in Adam\u2019s room all day. I gave him some milk to make up for that.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

August 17, 1849 (aged 12)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Hi Journ,<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

We got a letter from Adam!<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

It was written at the end of July. He is fine! Travelling across the country by stagecoach seems more boring than an adventure. Now he\u2019s taking the railroad. He drew the locomotive for Joe. Pa couldn\u2019t answer all the questions Joe asked. So after dinner Joe and I looked at Adam\u2019s big book about railroads and steam engines. Adam gave us permission in his letter.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I hope I will see one myself real soon!<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I think the cat caught whatever was in Adam\u2019s room; it\u2019s silent now.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

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August 20, 1849 (aged 12)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Joe and I went fishing the last three days. Fresh fish tastes fine. Hop Sing makes a lot of different meals with it. I like his fish curry best.<\/p>\n

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 <\/p>\n

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August 26, 1849 (aged 12)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Hi Journ, my friend, I sure need you right now.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Today Joe went missing. And who got blamed and scolded? Me!<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Pa left after breakfast and I worked in the tack room as I was told. Joe was supposed to help. Pa said I should have been suspicious that he didn\u2019t appear. But why? When it comes to work Joe doesn\u2019t like, he always tries to escape by pretending he\u2019s too little to be held responsible, and just goes on playing. After a while I looked for him but I couldn\u2019t find him. I was angry but I didn\u2019t have time for hide and seek so I went back to my work. Later I became worried about him. I called him and searched in every corner of the house, the yard, and the barn.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

When Pa came home in the afternoon I still hadn\u2019t found him and Pa was angry and blamed me for not keeping track of him. Now that he\u2019s seven he can surely keep track of himself! Pa was about to join in the search when we heard faint screams. They came from the hen house. Yes, there he was! He had crawled inside through the small door the chickens use and couldn\u2019t get out the same way somehow. The opening was too small suddenly from the inside, he said, and he feared he would get stuck if he tried. The big door was locked from the outside so he had trapped himself.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Joe looked at Pa with his puppy dog eyes and told him in a pitiful voice how he had screamed for me until he was all tired out and fell asleep. So Pa scolded me again. That little play-actor! Who told him to go crawl in the hen house? Besides, if he’d been calling me so long and so loud, the way he told Pa, I’d have heard him. Instead he goes to sleep without a worry and I waste half the day looking for him and then I get scolded.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I went straight to my room after dinner. Maybe I\u2019m sulking but I have a reason!<\/p>\n

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August 27, 1849 (aged 12)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

At the breakfast table Joe tried smiling at me. I didn\u2019t smile back but ignored him. If he thinks he can get around me that easily, he is mistaken! I can be stubborn. So I ate with a stony face. Eventually Pa cleared his throat and said he was sorry for yelling at me yesterday.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Then he asked Joe why he was even in the hen house. Joe said because he wanted to find out if he could go inside like the chickens. It took Pa two more questions before Joe confessed that he had gone behind the house on purpose, so I wouldn\u2019t find him if I was searching for him to make him do his chores. But while he was playing around the chicken coop he outsmarted himself with the door. I will never understand why Joe has to try out all the harebrained schemes he thinks up!<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

After that Joe spent the morning sitting on the porch cleaning bridles. I don\u2019t know why but after a while I helped him. Maybe being locked in the smelly hen house wasn\u2019t much fun either. Joe smiled at me and I smiled back at him and together we cleaned all the bridles and saddles. Pa was very proud of us!<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

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August 30, 1849 (aged 12)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Rosie, one of our wagon horses, had her foal. He\u2019s a pretty little colt; even though his ma is such a heavy horse. I was there and helped Charlie with the birth. I’ll get to name it.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

September 5, 1849 (aged 12)<\/p>\n

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School is boring like always. My legs got itchy from sitting, I wished I could stay at home and tend to Billy, the foal.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

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September 6, 1849 (aged 12)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I slept badly tonight, maybe because the day after tomorrow is a special day, so I heard the noises in Adam\u2019s room again. This time I was determined to go find out what\u2019s in there! So I lit my oil lamp and went quietly to Adam\u2019s room, pushed down the handle softly, let my lamp shine a bit inside and peered in the room. First I saw only something glistening and guessed I had heard a faint whimper. I went a couple of steps farther into the room\u00a0 and looked closely at the glittering. And then I identified the source of all. It was Joe huddled in Adam\u2019s bed wide eyed staring at me. I think we both were awfully relieved.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I asked him what he was doing in Adam\u2019s bed and he told me in a little voice that Adam\u2019s room were ghost proof. He said he came into Adam\u2019s room and crawled into his bed whenever he was scared about the ghosts howling and scratching in his own room. He didn\u2019t even have to wake up our brother; because Adam had promised that he\u2019d be safe in Adam\u2019s room. Nowadays he brought a blanket with him but he couldn\u2019t sleep very well in the empty room even though there were no ghosts in it. So usually he left the room by dawn and went back to his own bed. Little Joe looked so small and tired that I didn\u2019t bother to tell him that the ghosts were all in his imagination.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I remember when he was around five Ma tried to convince him every night there weren\u2019t ghosts in his room and they would look together in the wardrobe and under the bed until Joe was satisfied there were no ghosts hiding there. But usually five minutes after Ma left, Joe would scream that he\u2019d heard the ghosts come back into his room. So they\u2019d do it all over again and again until Pa would get impatient and yell at Joe to quit those shenanigans and go to sleep with or without ghosts\u2013and stop that screaming or else. Pa\u2019s yelling worked but obviously it didn\u2019t convince Joe that ghosts didn\u2019t exist.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Now I realize what a clever big brother Adam is. I thought everything over quickly and then explained to Joe that Adam taught me how I could make my room ghost-proof, too, just before he left. Only the oldest brother in a house can do it and only for one room. Joe looked at me a bit doubtfully but he came with me and was sound asleep in two minutes.<\/p>\n

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September 8, 1849 (aged 13)<\/p>\n

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 <\/p>\n

DEAR HOSS<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR 13th BIRTHDAY<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

HAVE A WONDERFUL DAY<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

YOUR BROTHER ADAM<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

That\u2019s a telegram. It wasn\u2019t really sent because we don’t have a telegraph station yet. But in the East where Adam\u2019s going they do. Adam explained about telegraphing in a letter he left. There’s an apparatus that can send short and long signals along a wire and if you know the code you can make letters out of them. Adam says it\u2019s called the Morse code, and he gave me a chart and a tiny paper with points and dashes and that\u2019s what it meant. I will teach my friends the code so we can use it for secret letters.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Pa gave me new warm boots and a big bag of candy, Joe drew Billy for me and Adam left a very good sharp whittling knife for me. Adam himself is a drawer. He likes to draw or paint and he does all his drawing, writing or painting neatly and precisely. I can\u2019t. What I like to do is whittle. I touch a piece of\u00a0 wood and I can feel what I can do with it. It\u2019s like discovering whatever’s hidden in there. When I look at Joe’s drawing of Billy I think he isn\u2019t a born drawer too. He\u2019s too impatient. But I never seen a kid with such a imagination. He can tell stories nobody else would think of!<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The food was very, very good today. Hop Sing made all my favorites and plenty of everything. I look forward to the leftovers tomorrow!<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

September 16, 1849 (aged 13)<\/p>\n

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 <\/p>\n

I don\u2019t know why the girls my age laugh and giggle all the time even when Miss Taylor is so annoyed by it that she makes at least one of them stand in the corner or outside the classroom.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

If my old friend Amelia still lived here I could ask her what\u2019s so funny but she and her family left a year ago. If anyone knows about fun she does. And she was a true friend; we went fishing together and cared for our little racoons, and neither her Ma nor mine or even Hop Sing ever knew why so much bread and meat went missing that spring. We reared them together in a secret place and let them go back to the wild and nobody ever knew about it. We had to hide them because most people think racoons are as bad as mice. They were our big secret and worth getting some scolds and even a spanking for not coming straight home after school. (It was that spring Adam had left the school in Virginia City and Joe wasn’t attending it yet.) When I write these memories I feel how much I miss her. Would she behave so strangely now like the other girls, too?<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

October 4, 1849 (aged 13)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

My pals and I use the Morse code for our notes in school. It\u2019s fun, nobody else can read it even the teacher.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

There is one girl I wonder about. Her name\u2019s Annie. She is a year younger than me and doesn\u2019t giggle all the time. She is blonde and a little skinny. She almost always sits alone at recess after she tends to her two little brothers.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Pa sold our cattle in Virginia City like last year. The price isn\u2019t that high but Pa didn’t have to be gone 6 weeks.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

October 18, 1849 (aged 13)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Today Joe won a big marble contest in school that the younger boys set up for during recess. Second was Johnny, Annie\u2019s brother. They didn\u2019t play for keeps only to prove who is the best.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Annie watched the contest too. Later we talked a little and I learned there are two more children at home and soon a third. Her father is a miner.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

October 28, 1849 (aged 13)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Hi Journ,<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam passed his entrance exam six weeks ago. He is in Boston now and studies architecture and engineering. I\u2019m so proud of him. I let it slip on many occasions at school and in town. They all have to know what a smart brother I have.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Besides I got a B on the last essay!<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

November 8, 1849 (aged 13)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Miss Taylor caught one of our Morse code notes today. Paul told her that it was just random little points and dashes. She seemed very suspicious but didn\u2019t ask more. I\u2019m glad she didn\u2019t ask me, so I haven\u2019t told a lie myself. We wrote nothing real important in that note only how boring math is and how long it seems to recess.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

November 12, 1849 (aged 13)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

My friend Paul was called to come to the teacher during morning recess. We worried and waited for him but he didn\u2019t come back outside. So it was lunchtime when we found out what happened. He told us Miss Taylor had shown our little note to her brother and he can read Morse code. Real bad luck but he is an engineer too!<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

She wanted the names of everyone involved with that note. Paul hadn\u2019t tattled on me and the others. He told us Miss Taylor had glared at him a long time and finally said she would write a note for his father because he had lied to her and she wanted to know by tomorrow who else was involved.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

We looked at each other. We knew Paul wouldn\u2019t tell on us because he\u2019s a real friend and nobody knows we\u2019re involved. Maybe someone might get suspicious but nobody could prove it.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The teacher rang her bell, Sam winked at me, and then we went in again.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I think I wasn\u2019t very attentive in the afternoon. At first I was glad I wasn\u2019t in any trouble but then there was that gnawing like a little needle in my conscience. I heard Pa in my head saying deceit is as bad as a outright lie. Then I thought, Paul is a real friend but what kind of friend am I to let him take the blame alone? Maybe he was even getting extra punishment for refusing to give our names.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

At afternoon recess I waited until all the other children were outside and then I went to the front of the classroom to the teacher\u2019s desk and confessed that I was involved and the Morse code came from me. She looked at me and asked, \u201cYou alone?\u201d I didn\u2019t answer her question, she nodded, and sent me outside telling me I had to stay behind after school. John and Sam stared at me suspiciously, I told them what I had done and that I\u2019m not a yellow coward.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

When I waited after school while everyone else left, suddenly John and Sam were there with me and also confessed. At first Miss Taylor looked at us sternly but then she said that since we hadn\u2019t lied to her and we confessed voluntarily, she will only give us some extra math homework because we weren’t paying attention during math lesson. That was a big relief!<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Little Joe wasn\u2019t very sympathetic with me and my extra homework because he still was angry he couldn\u2019t read the Morse code. I tried to teach him but he still has trouble just with his normal letters. Even so he was jealous that he couldn\u2019t participate. I know he won\u2019t tell Pa anything about it on purpose, but I hope he doesn\u2019t let something slip by mistake.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

November 13, 1849 (aged 13)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Paul\u2019s Pa was hard on him. I\u2019m sure my Pa would be angry too if I had lied but I\u2019m glad he isn\u2019t so harsh.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Now we have the first snow. Joe and I took the toboggan Adam made out of the barn and cleaned it up. Maybe we will have enough snow for sledding soon.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I\u2019m now one of the biggest boys in school. Even older boys want to wrestle with me and I win mostly.<\/p>\n

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November 17, 1849 (aged 13)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Yes! We got to go sledding! It was great! I think Joe isn\u2019t at all afraid of going fast. I like plowing up through the glittering snow when the sky has that wintry deep blue and the sun shines and then going down on the sled. But you have to hurry to get inside before dark or you will freeze to the sled. I knew that but we went back up one time too often. Our feet were so cold Hop Sing put them in cold water so they didn\u2019t hurt too badly when they warmed up.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

December 4, 1849 (aged 13)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Today I shared my cookies with Annie; she said she never had anything so good. Hop Sign\u2019s Christmas cookies sure are special. But I know to never ever go snitching them again.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

One night a few years ago, very cautiously and silently so I wouldn’t wake anyone, I crept downstairs and snuck into the storeroom behind the kitchen where Ma and Hop Sing had neatly stacked all their store-bought and homemade supplies. I was always big for my age but not big enough to reach the highest shelf where the Christmas cookies were in their tins. So I climbed on the big cupboard that covers the whole side wall. When I stood on the lowest shelf I could reach the tin I wanted with my fingertips. But it slid backwards instead of coming towards me. So I had to climb up on the next shelf. And then it began. First the cupboard trembled a bit then it leaned out from the wall towards me. I tried to jump back but it was too late. It crashed down full force and made lots of noise. When Pa, Ma and Hop Sing came in, it didn’t take them long to guess who was responsible. There I sat covered in flour, preserves and Christmas cookies in a puddle of fruit and syrup, with the floor around me full of broken glass and smashed tins and jars. I couldn’t tell who was madder\u2013Pa, Ma or Hop Sing. Of course Pa gave me a “necessary talk,” but he also told me I couldn\u2019t have any more dessert all winter until the fresh fruit was ripe, because I had destroyed so many of the supplies you need to make sweets. That was the worst punishment ever. I’ll never forget it, even though after a few weeks Adam, Ma, or even Pa himself shared their dessert with me sometimes. No, I will never ever sneak on the Christmas cookies! Fortunately Hop Sing always gives me and Joe a few cookies every day in December. If I ask him I’m sure he will give me a few more for Annie.<\/p>\n

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December, 26 1849 (aged 13)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Pa, Joe, Hop Sing and me had a good Christmas! It\u2019s the third since Ma died. The first year we all tried not to think or speak about her but that made us all lonely, because we grieved secretly. In the second year, when the grief came on Christmas Eve, Adam began to share his good memories of Ma and then the rest of us followed, so it was as if her spirit was still with us for Christmas. We did the same this year and also included Adam in our tales. He sent us a letter saying he will visit his grandfather for the holidays. Pa even told us about Adam\u2019s ma and her father. I\u2019ve never heard much about him. He was Pa\u2019s captain when he went to sea. The presents were fine. Adam sent a letter and he painted a Christmas picture about Jesus\u2019 birth in the stable with a lot of animals around him. It was for Joe but I liked it very much, too.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

It\u2019s strange but the more you eat the quicker you got hungry again! But being hungry on Christmas with all the fine things Hop Sing has prepared and cooked is a very fine thing!<\/p>\n

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January 9,1850 (aged 13)<\/p>\n

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I train Billy. He is learning to stay put when I clean out his hooves or if I take his little halter on and off.<\/p>\n

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February 15, 1850 (aged 13)<\/p>\n

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 <\/p>\n

Dear Journal,<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I\u2019m mad at Pa. I had a big fight at school today. I know I shouldn\u2019t fight and I really don\u2019t often but one of the oldest boys had Joe by his collar, almost strangling him, and Joe called me for help. Pete is three years older than me and we had a real fight. I punched him on the nose, it was bleeding, but my left eye is black and swollen and my knuckles hurt. I think we wound up pretty even in getting hurt. But Pa tanned me tonight! Worse than ever because I was in a fight.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I remember Adam coming home last year with a black eye and Pa said nothing to him! Hop Sing put some raw meat on his eye and that was all. Pa always preferred Adam!<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I can\u2019t sit comfortable so I will try to lie down again but even that\u2019s hard when your hand and your eye and your backside hurt. I think I will never speak to Pa again! I had to protect Joe, I\u2019m his big brother!<\/p>\n

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February 16, 1850 (aged 13)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

While I was lying on my bed yesterday Pa came in. I didn\u2019t turn to face him but went on watching the wall. It was disrespectful but I didn’t want to see him.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Pa tried to talk to me and took my shoulder as if he wanted me to turn over. But I didn\u2019t. I expected Pa would yell at me but he didn\u2019t. He did nothing except move the chair from my desk so he could sit next to my bed. I stared at the wall and did nothing, too. It wasn\u2019t easy. I felt Pa\u2019s\u00a0 presence growing every minute like a cloud all around me. Eventually I couldn\u2019t do no more nothing. I told him straight how badly he treated me compared to Adam.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Pa asked if I think he is unfair and I said yes and turned over so I could look him right in the eyes. Then Pa asked me if I remember when Adam shot his friend Ross with his new Colt pistol shortly after his fifteenth birthday. I told him I sure did. Adam got in big trouble then because he was showing off with the pistol, and so he shot his friend in the leg by mistake. But shooting isn\u2019t the same as punching, I said.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Then Pa asked me if I knew how Pete\u2019s nose is. I said it had bled some. Pa told me that I broke it and that maybe Pete will have a ugly nose all his life because of me. I said I didn\u2019t mean to break it and Pa said that\u2019s the problem. I broke the nose of a boy who\u2019s three years older than me without intending to. I was really shocked because I didn\u2019t think I had hurt him that bad. Pa told me he could take Adam\u2019s pistol away but not my fists. So I have to learn to think of the consequences if I use my fists and to control my strength and my temper.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I promised Pa not to use my fists again. Pa told me that Joe and Pete\u2019s sister had argued and then wrestled and that Pete was trying to separate them when Joe was screaming for me. Pa told me that Joe had used me to get back at Pete, and that he had a talk with Joe about that. I think I know what kind of talk and it\u2019s the first time I wasn\u2019t sorry Joe had got one.<\/p>\n

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February 17, 1850 (aged 13)<\/p>\n

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Today Joe said he was sorry he got me in trouble but he was so mad at Pete’s sister and so upset at being held that he screamed for help without really thinking what he was doing. I told him I\u2019m sorry that he was in trouble with Pa, too.<\/p>\n

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Joe and I agreed that we will buy Pete something and apologize. I hope his nose heals soon and straight.<\/p>\n

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March 31, 1850 (aged 13)<\/p>\n

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It\u2019s spring again. I always think how well the name says what spring does. All of nature seems to spring. Leafs, flowers, grass spring out from bare branches and bare soil. Little calves, chickens, rabbits, and foals spring around and after spending all winter in the house I feel like springing too.<\/p>\n

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April 2, 1850 (aged 13)<\/p>\n

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Annie and I sat on the schoolhouse steps in the warm sun. She is very shy and just the opposite of Amelia. But after my best friend Paul and his family left for California I feel a bit lonely. It felt good sitting together. She looks even skinnier so I shared my lunch with her. She told me her family was from Ireland.<\/p>\n

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April 27, 1850 (aged 13)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Hi Journ,<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Joe asked me for a new slingshot a few days ago, because Miss Taylor confiscated his old one. Joe wasn\u2019t too unhappy about that because he’s wanted a better one with more power for a long time. Adam still made the old one for him. Now it\u2019s my job as a big brother to help him and we made a real good slingshot together. But nobody can think of what happened!<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Other boys might just break a windowpane but not Joe. He practised in the yard \u2013 that\u2019s never a good idea and Pa forbids it, plus I was in the yard when I broke the windowpane \u2013 and missed his target. The shot bounced back and hit the dog that was peacefully sleeping in the sun. Cherry leapt up and ran directly towards Hop Sing, who was carrying a big pot with a cooked chicken in hot broth. Hop Sing fell over the dog and dropped the pot. Cherry howled because she got burned, Hop Sing sputtered some Chinese that sounded a lot like swearing as he fell down and got burned too, then the dog sprang up real quickly and snatched the chicken, and eventually Joe and I had only dry bread for dinner because Hop Sing refused to cook any more and the chicken was gone. The only difference was Joe wasn\u2019t sitting very comfortably. While nibbling on my dry bread I realized why Adam hadn’t made such a good slingshot for Joe.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Besides the new slingshot is now confiscated too. By Pa.<\/p>\n

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May 9, 1850 (aged 13)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Today I had to testify before Sheriff Coffee.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s a long story:<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The day before yesterday I was kept after school to redo an essay. The teacher said she knew I could do a much better job if I really wanted to and I was lazy at home. Yes, she is right, I was. That\u2019s the price for sometimes earning Bs. So I had to stay and write it over.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I told Joe to wait for me but when I left the building Joe wasn\u2019t there. I found a note by my horse saying he had gone to the pond to fish. I don\u2019t know why he never does what he is told. I was angry with him and rode to the pond. No Joe there! But I saw his pony’s hoof prints in the wet ground. They led towards home so I let Prince gallop after them. I didn’t want to be home any later than I already was.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Somehow I got suspicious when I saw broken branches on the bushes next to the road. When I looked closer, I saw pony hoof prints going into the woods. I promised Joe a good thrashing when I found him and headed down the pony’s trail, and then I saw something that startled me. There were other hoof prints, from a big horse, side by side with Joe’s pony. Why was Joe with someone else? Maybe it was a friend or a hand from the ranch. I followed the trail some more and after a while I realized they were heading for an old shack not too far away. My heart slowed for a moment when I saw Joe\u2019s pony all by himself, dragging his reins on the ground. I caught the pony and led him with me. Now my heart was pounding\u2013I was afraid I’d find Little Joe with a broken neck.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

When I saw the strange horse by the shack I didn’t feel any better. The door was shut but I heard Joe screaming and crying. Someone hit my little brother. I couldn\u2019t bear it and ran to the shack. The door opened and a man with a nasty black beard came out. I knew who he was. He looked older now but I’d never forget that face. His name\u2019s Hank. He used to work for us but Pa fired him because he was so mean. I was scared of him as a little boy. But now I knew he had hurt my little brother and meant to do it some more. So I hauled back my right fist and punched him on his nose as hard as I could. I heard the bone break and I enjoyed it!<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Then things happened real fast. The man staggered back into the shack, Joe ran outside and I bolted the door. Joe and I ran to our horses and we galloped home. Later I wondered what I would have done if Joe was tied up and couldn\u2019t get to me.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Pa and a few other men found Hank still in the shack. The window shutters are also barred on the outside. He told Pa it was his fault that he couldn\u2019t find a job so he had to steal. After Roy heard my story he told me Hank had been let out of prison just three weeks ago and will be back in it soon.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Hank had told Joe he’d found a boy called Hoss out lying in the woods with a broken leg, and said he’d show Joe the way there. Joe never had met him before and Hank was pretending he didn’t know anything about us, but of course he really did since he used to work at the ranch. So Joe went with him because he wanted to help me.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The whole thing was done for revenge on Pa!<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Pa was in a mood that evening like I\u2019d never seen before. He hugged us both hard when he came back from town. He said he couldn\u2019t blame us for protecting each other or scold me for using my fists in an emergency. Then he kissed us again and sent us to bed because it was late.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I couldn\u2019t get to sleep so I came back downstairs about half an hour later. From the landing I saw Pa\u2019s hands shake as he poured himself a brandy. He drank it in one big swallow, poured out another and sat down on the settee. He had his face in his hands and looked like he was crying. I didn\u2019t know what to do so I went up to bed again.<\/p>\n

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May 10, 1850 (aged 13)<\/p>\n

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I was the hero in school today even the teacher said I was very brave. I think I should feel better. But somehow I don’t.<\/p>\n

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May 12, 1850 (aged 13)<\/p>\n

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In church the preacher thanked the Lord for my and Joe\u2019s rescue, but it didn\u2019t feel right.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

This evening when I sat alone with Pa on the porch I told him I\u2019m not sure how I feel and that I had seen him gulping down that brandy and then sitting on the settee.<\/p>\n

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At first Pa was very silent and I worried he was upset because of my spying on him, even though I didn’t mean to. Then he said in a low voice that he had been scared to death and very happy at the same time and maybe I felt the same way. What I did was dangerous and maybe foolish and if things had gone wrong maybe we both could have died, but if I hadn\u2019t done what I did he didn’t know what might have happened to Joe. He felt very lucky because it was luck and God\u2019s protection that saved us, but he prayed every day that one of his sons would never have to risk his health or life to rescue the other again. Then Pa reached for me, hugged me, and said, “Son, I’m proud of you. Your mama would be so proud of you too…especially your own mother. Take care of yourself \u2026\u201d and then his voice broke. I saw Pa\u00b4s eyes glisten when he hugged me. We stood a long time there hugging each other and I felt all the love my Pa has for me and my mother.<\/p>\n

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June 12, 1850 (aged 13)<\/p>\n

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It\u2019s Little Joes birthday today. Now he\u2019s 8 years old. Pa, Hop Sing and me woke him up with a birthday song. I\u2019m not sure how good it sounded but it worked. Joe sprang out of bed and opened his gifts like a hurricane: toy soldiers, a new hat and a small wooden fort Pa and I made for him. He was too exited to eat his breakfast because Hop Sing had packed a big parcel with cake for the other children and Joe wanted to go to school quickly the first time in his life. At school he beamed such a big smile that the teacher couldn\u2019t resist so she let him hand out the cake during the first lesson. We all celebrated with Joe for a good half an hour.<\/p>\n

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June 14, 1850 (aged 13)<\/p>\n

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I like Annie. We often sit together now. She doesn\u2019t spend much time with the other girls. But that\u2019s not her fault. After school she usually grabs her two little brothers and hurries home. That\u2019s what her parents want. The family never comes to any of the socials and they aren\u2019t in our church. They are Catholics. But the Catholic kids say the family only shows up for the services and leaves right afterwards. So Annie can\u2019t make any friends there either.<\/p>\n

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June 28, 1850 (aged 13)<\/p>\n

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School\u2019s out for summer! My report card wasn\u2019t too bad and Joe has good grades. Besides fishing and swimming this year I will help with the haying. We need hay for our horses and milk cows and in case the winter is hard for the range cattle.<\/p>\n

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July 9, 1850 (aged 13)<\/p>\n

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I\u2019m tired and the hay is itchy on your sweaty skin but I like the work. Charlie, who\u2019s the oldest and most experienced of our hands, and the other men said I was a good hard worker. I always thought I had a good appetite but now I know what a real appetite is. Pa joked that I’m eating more than the cost of the hay I brought in. But he chuckled and I knew he is only kidding.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Joe isn\u2019t real happy because he spends most of the day with Hop Sing and has to help him with the garden and so on. We only get to see each other when they bring out our lunch. But the harvest will take only two weeks, so we\u2019ll have plenty of time together after that.<\/p>\n

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August 18, 1850 (aged 13)<\/p>\n

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Today we visited Ma\u2019s grave. We brought her some flowers. I\u2019m sad now and so is Joe and even Pa. I know he tried to hide that from us but he is. Even trying to tell happy stories about her didn\u2019t work, all we could remember was the accident.<\/p>\n

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August 25, 1850 (aged 13)<\/p>\n

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Joe isn\u2019t as cheerful as usual. While we were swimming yesterday he told me how he hates knowing Pa will have to leave for the drive. I know he\u2019s afraid Pa could have an accident like Ma or something and won’t come back.\u00a0So I talked to Pa in the evening and asked him if we all could do something together before he leaves. That would cheer Joe up a bit. Pa said it might be a good idea.<\/p>\n

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At breakfast Pa promised Joe we would all go on an overnight fishing trip this weekend. Joe has begged for a long time to do something like that but Pa has always refused, because it could be dangerous and he himself was always glad to sleep in a bed. But today he promised we\u2019d go and Joe is very excited. I thought about Adam. Back when they were always travelling, was he excited when Pa promised him a night under a real roof? I\u2019m looking forward to this trip too.<\/p>\n

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September 1, 1850 (aged 13)<\/p>\n

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The trip was pretty good. We stopped at noon by the bank of a good-sized creek. We fished and within half an hour we had enough for our meal. Pa cleaned the fishes and told me and Joe to find some dry wood for the fire. I looked on one side and Joe the other. When I was coming back with a big armful of\u00a0 branches I heard a loud splash. We don\u2019t have any jumping fishes here so I figured it must be Joe. And sure enough there he was lying belly-down in that creek with a few branches circling around him. I stood on a big stone to pull him up. What a typically Joe thing to try\u2013hopping from stone to stone across the creek with a load of branches! Pa wasn\u2019t amused; Joe was soaked from head to toe and shivering. He stood in front of Pa with downcast eyes listening to Pa scold. When Pa finished, he looked up flashing a typical Joe smile and said, \u201cPa, I don\u2019t know why but on the way across it was easy to hop but coming back everything was wider. Maybe the stones moved.\u201d Pa sighed and rolled his eyes.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Finally we made camp right there by the creek and put Joe in my spare shirt. After the first shock he fooled around pretending he was a girl in a fancy dress saying silly things in a squeaky voice and holding the hem out with his hands. We all laughed a lot. That night we looked up at the stars while Pa pointed out the constellations\u2013I knew most of them already\u2013and he showed Joe how to find the North Star. Pa remembered how he had taught Adam to find the big dipper and the north star on their way west. And, he said, maybe right then Adam was watching the North Star back east and thinking about us. I looked at the North Star, concentrated my thoughts on him and wished him all my best. Maybe he could feel it. Later I lay on my back in my bedroll and looked at the stars until I fell asleep. I love sleeping outdoors on a warm summer night!<\/p>\n

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Today is the last day before school starts again and right after my birthday Pa will leave us for the cattle drive. I\u2019m glad that this trip cheered not only Joe up but me and Pa too.<\/p>\n

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Second year<\/strong><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

September 2, 1850 (aged 13)<\/p>\n

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I have grown more. In school now I have to sit in the back because otherwise the normal sized kids can\u2019t see the chalkboard. It feels bad always being too big. The other boys in the back are two years older than me and I don\u2019t know them very well.<\/p>\n

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There is a new family in town. Two girls and a boy. They are all younger than me but Joe found a new friend.<\/p>\n

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September 8, 1850 (aged 14)<\/p>\n

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I\u2019m fourteen now. Pa said at fourteen I\u2019m no longer a child but not yet an adult. His smile was lopsided when he said that and he ruffled my hair the way I don\u2019t like so I ducked. Pa just nodded a little absent minded to himself, then he spread his arms and I hugged him. He kissed me and said \u201cI love you, Hoss, never forget it.\u201d Right then Hop Sing brought the cake and I blew out the candles. Pa gave me with a new Sunday suit that I got measured for at the tailor\u2019s, and a nice leather wallet with three dollars in it.<\/p>\n

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September 12, 1850 (aged 14)<\/p>\n

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Pa is on the cattle drive now. Joe came this night in my room and asked if he could sleep with me. At night he seems so much younger. We slept together in my bed but he tossed around a lot. He called out a few times for Pa, Mama and Adam. It tore my heart because I could feel how desperate and abandoned he felt. I woke him and he clung to me, and then he went to sleep again. That made me proud somehow.<\/p>\n

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September 16, 1850 (aged 14)<\/p>\n

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Annie and the new girl are now friends. They sit side by side and stick together during recess. I wish I had my big brother here, when I feel lonely! Tomorrow I\u2019ll write him a letter.<\/p>\n

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October 5, 1850 (aged 14)<\/p>\n

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I’m surprised how carefree Joe seems during the day. He has lots of friends to make mischief with and enjoys it when I let him tend to Billy or hitch up the team. He likes being with horses and handle things. But at nights he has still nightmares. Pa will be back in two weeks.<\/p>\n

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October 19, 1850 (aged 14)<\/p>\n

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Pa\u2019s back. He got a good price for the cattle. He said how happy he is to be home again, sitting in his own chair, eating a decent meal cooked by Hop Sing together with his sons and \u2013 here he reached in his pocket \u2013 reading a letter from his oldest that he had just received in Virginia City.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

That was a fine evening for us too. Adam wrote he had passed his first year examinations without any problems and he will visit his grandfather for the summer. He also mentioned a young lady several times. The mail sure took a long time. There were a picture and a separate note each for me and Joe too. For me he drew the library so I can see how it looks where Adam learns; and for Joe a picture of a clipper ship. Adam also sent me best wishes for my fourteenth birthday. Pa brought candy for us, as I say, a real fine day.<\/p>\n

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October 24, 1850 (aged 14)<\/p>\n

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School is worse than ever. It\u2019s not only having to learn stupid things I\u2019m not interested in. It\u2019s things like being so big.\u00a0If someone giggles behind me I pretend not to hear but I know the girls and even a few boys laugh at me. Behind my back they call me \u201cfat Hoss\u201d. I feel so clumsy stuck at my tiny desk and I don\u2019t say anything because when I get up from it someone always snickers. The only thing I can do is to silence them with my fists. But I won\u2019t. I don’t want the other children to be afraid of me. Besides, it would make Pa so mad!<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I would be so happy if I was smaller \u2013 even too small for his age like Joe. All the girls my age baby him. Even Miss Taylor can\u2019t resist his charm. Being such a cute little boy sure can get you spoiled.<\/p>\n

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October 25, 1850 (aged 14)<\/p>\n

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Today Annie and the new girl were with the other girls. They all looked at me and giggled. Even Annie. I don’t know why she did it. I sure don’t like it.<\/p>\n

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Pa noticed something was bothering me, so we talked this evening. We sit inside now by the fire instead of out on the porch. Maybe he is right and I’m just growing faster than others. In a few years there won\u2019t be such a difference. I hope I can hang on a few years!<\/p>\n

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He told me when I was a toddler all the women spoiled me because I was such a cute blonde little boy, all smiles, and Adam was secretly jealous.<\/p>\n

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October 26, 1849 (aged 14)<\/p>\n

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Like always in fall we laid in a lot of firewood for the winter. The hands saw up the dried trunks and also the big logs for the fireplace but splitting the smaller ones for the stove and the oven is my job now. I’ve been working on it for weeks. Pa trusts me to handle the big axe that Adam used to use. Joe has to help stacking the wood. He doesn\u2019t like it much because it\u2019s exhausting and boring. I didn\u2019t like it either when I worked with Adam. Because I\u2019ve grown into the big axe, Joe wants to have a tool too instead of just using his hands. So today I gave him a hatchet and let him split some kindling for Hop Sing. First I was a bit anxious he would cut himself with it because he is a leftie and I have to use my right hand to show him what to do. Pa would kill me if I let Joe get hurt! But Joe did the job real well. Afterwards we stacked the wood together.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

When we told Pa this evening how good Joe is with a hatchet, at first Pa frowned at me, but then he said Adam and I were even younger than Joe and he forgot sometimes that Joe isn\u2019t a baby anymore and he said how proud he is of him. You could see Joe\u2019s smile get real big. Being the youngest isn’t easy either.<\/p>\n

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October 29, 1850 (aged 14)<\/p>\n

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Some kids were calling me names again. I rode off by myself today a few hours, then I sat at my favorite spot to watch the sun go down. Watching a sunset let me feel my breast growing wider. At first it sort of hurts a bit but then I feel peace and somehow my sorrows go away. I was late getting home and Pa scolded me but the power of the sunset protected me.<\/p>\n

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November 1, 1850 (aged 14)<\/p>\n

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The two boys that I share the back bench at school with, Mike and Jake, speak to me sometimes. We aren\u2019t friends yet but at least they don\u2019t tease me.<\/p>\n

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November 4, 1850 (aged 14)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Today I drank a whole beer with Mike and Jake. They gave it to me after school, don\u2019t know where they got it. I drank it in one big swallow; that impressed them. I didn\u2019t say that it was my first and that I was in a hurry, because if Joe came looking for me after saddling his pony, I’d be in trouble. I felt a little dizzy but that was all. Pa didn\u2019t get suspicious.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

November 6, 1850 (aged 14)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Perhaps that was a little test. Now Mike and Jake let me be with them at recess. They look at pictures under their desks all the time but I never dared to ask to see them. Yesterday they showed me some. Pa would skin me alive if I had pictures like that! But \u2026 I dreamed about one of them last night.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

December 19, 1850 (aged 14)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

When she thinks I don\u2019t notice, Annie looks at me. Is she looking for the fat boy so she can make fun of him with her friends? I can eat my Christmas cookies by myself or maybe share with Mike and Jake. I don\u2019t need her.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Pa sent me to my room today because I was rude to him, only I wasn\u2019t. Pa\u2019s cranky most of the time lately.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

December 27, 1850 (aged 14)<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

Christmas was all right but not like I remember. When I was little I couldn\u2019t sleep for days before Christmas but now it all seems kind of dull. We did all the usual things but I didn\u2019t feel the excitement and joy I always used to. Even the food didn\u2019t taste too good, maybe because I worry if I eat too much I will grow more or get fat. I tried not to show anyone how I felt.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

January 4, 1851 (aged 14)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Joe is so annoying lately! Maybe it\u2019s the weather. We have so much snow we can\u2019t go outside. He pesters me all the time. Playing with toy soldiers isn\u2019t as much fun for me as for him.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Pa punished me for swearing. All the men swear, even Mike and Jake.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

January 10, 1851 (aged 14)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Dear Journ,<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

This was the worst day ever. Billy is dead. He was such a happy little fellow and so lively! And that was what killed him. We let him, Rosie and our other draft horse out in the big corral today so they could get some exercise after being stuck in the barn so long. Because of the snow we don\u2019t use the team often in the winter. The colt was prancing around and showing off like a big stallion.\u00a0<\/em>Then the accident happened; he stepped in a hole \u2013 I never saw it before –\u00a0 that was covered up with snow and broke his leg. I can hear his screams yet. Sorry. I know boys are not supposed to cry.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I wished I could have begged Pa to let me try and heal his leg but I didn\u2019t. I know there\u2019s no way to save a horse with a broken leg. Pa had to shoot him right there in the corral. The shot went off and the screaming ended. When I opened my eyes again his ma was nuzzling the mane of her dead son and she whinnied with such sadness I never heard from a horse before.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Sorry again.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

January 20, 1851 (aged 14)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

We\u2019re snowed in and can\u2019t get to Virginia City, so Pa gave us lessons to learn in the morning. He refused to let me work in my own room because he said Joe needs my help. I know he didn\u2019t, but I understand why he likes sitting together at the big table like we do for homework. It\u2019s all right. Adam did the same for me. But after schoolwork and chores I need a little time to myself! I hope Pa sees to it that Joe respects that! I can\u2019t even go outside to be alone in weather like this.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

February 12, 1851 (aged 14)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Mike and Jake treat me like an equal now. The best time in school is recess when we three stay together. Nobody dares to bother us! Annie still looks at me from time to time. But she has her friends now and I mine!<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

February 18,\u00a0 1851 (aged 14)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Hi Journ,<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I\u2019ll keep this short because I\u2019ve written enough for one day. Miss Taylor gave me extra homework writing lines\u2013300 times \u201cI must not swear\u201d\u2013and said Pa had to sign it. Pa was angry. Not using bad language is a big thing for him. He gave me the choice of getting my mouth washed out with soap again or writing another 200 lines. What a choice! Now I have written the stupid sentence 500 times. Damn!<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

March 11, 1851 (aged 14)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Charlie said he likes working with me when a cow or a horse had difficulties with birth. He said I\u2019m real good at getting scared animals to calm down. He even sent for me twice at night and Pa said I could go. I don\u2019t understand why he is so easy in that case.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

March 21, 1851 (aged 14)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Mike and Jake asked me for a secret meeting tomorrow night. I\u2019m not sure if I dare to sneak out.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

March 22, 1851 (aged 14)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I did it! It was just awesome. We met near Virginia City in a cave. Not a deep one, more a hole in the mountain. First it was cold but then we made a fire and lay around. We told us about our dreams for the future and a lot about girls. They are real friends. Mike had three cigars and Jake a third bottle of brandy. The cigars taste better than I remember when I smoked one as a child, the alcohol makes your stomach warm, it felt good in that cold night. I\u2019m a bit tired today but Pa isn\u2019t suspicious.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

April 12, 1851 (aged 14)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Sitting on the shore of our small pond today I watched a duck with her ducklings. It\u2019s so amazing how they follow their ma crowded together and if one gets lost and misses the others how the small creature will swim or run and whine loudly until it found its mama again. I watched them for around an hour.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

April 23, 1851 (aged 14)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Hi Journ,<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I worked with Charlie. We mended fences. I hit my thumb with the hammer and while I was hopping around and holding my hand I swore a lot. Charlie looked at me and shook his head. \u201cFine language, boy!\u201d Then he looked down at my thumb and exclaimed, \u201cDadburnit! You\u2019re really strong. I think that thumb need care at home.\u201d It hurts so badly that I didn\u2019t complain being sent home. When I mounted Prince I asked Charlie about that word he used. He grinned, \u201cThat\u2019s safe swearing.\u201d Hop Sing made a thick bandage with salve around my thumb, I hope it will be better soon. \u201cSafe swearing\u201d? Maybe it\u2019s an option I could try.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

April 30, 1851 (aged 14)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I don\u2019t know why but Joe won\u2019t understand that he has to knock before he rushes in my room. I yelled at him today so loud I think he will remember the next time. Lately the only thing we enjoy together are the horses.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

May 4, 1851 (aged 14)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I\u2019m a full church member now, today I took Communion for the first time. Hop Sing made a very good celebration dinner. My new suit is getting a bit short.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

May 24, 1851 (aged 14)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

This time I brought the alcohol. A bottle of Pa\u2019s whiskey. We met again in that cave. This time the weather was warm and we could sit outside in the green grass. We talked a lot, Pa\u2019s whiskey ran smoothly down our throats and later we sang. We really enjoyed the warm night!<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

It will be the last for a while; I\u2019m on restriction for a month. Turns out Pa got suspicious the first time because of the smell of smoke on me. This time he heard me going out and when he saw that his most expensive whiskey was also gone he hadn\u2019t much to guess\u2013that\u2019s what he told me this morning. Yesterday he didn\u2019t need to say much. When I was leaving the barn after I rubbed Prince down quickly there Pa was, standing in the doorway with a switch in his hand. I could see even the details because night had changed into dawn. Now I knew what Adam meant years ago when I didn\u2019t understand what was wrong with him one morning suddenly and he said some times you have to pay the piper. I hope Pa lets me have a nap today.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

June 12, 1851 (aged 14)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Joe\u2019s\u00a0 birthday. He is nine. Pa gave him real fine presents. A lot more than I or Adam ever dreamed about at that age.\u00a0<\/strong>He didn’t seem very interested in the box with a whittled lid I made him or in the picture from Adam. I tried not to show how disappointed I was but when Pa frowned at me a few times during dinner I said I didn\u2019t feel well and went to my room.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

July 6, 1851 (aged 14)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Maybe it\u2019s school that made me so uneasy. The hay harvest was good like last year. Joe could help too. After we loaded, we rode together on top of the hay when Charlie drove the wagons in the barn.\u00a0 Maybe it\u2019s crazy but I can smell how good the hay will taste for our animals in the winter. It\u2019s not like fresh green grass but it\u2019s like the fruits in jars Hop Sing makes. The sunlight is for the grass what Hop Sing\u2019s sugar is for the fruits.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

July 18, 1851 (aged 14)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

No, it\u2019s not school, it\u2019s Pa! He keeps picking at me. Anything I say or do except for my work is wrong for him. And if Joe and I have an argument it\u2019s always my fault. I hate that he is moody all the time and that he called\u00a0me<\/em>\u00a0sullen when told him I\u2019d rather sit in my own room than with him on the porch.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Third year<\/strong><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

September 8, 1851 (aged 15)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Pa, Joe and me went to the International House to celebrate my birthday. I got to choose what I wanted and it was delicious. At the table next to ours I saw a real fat family. They all wobble. I do not. I\u2019m not fat! Not really!<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Pa gave me a razor and a razor strop, and Joe gave me a leather holster for the razor so I can hang it next to my mirror. Pa helped him with the holes but he made the stitches with a white leather band. The razor looks real sharp, Pa promised to show me how to use it when I\u2019m ready to shave. I think it can\u2019t be long!<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

In the evening Pa read a letter from Adam he had hidden as a surprise. He has now finished the second year. Later we sat together and talked about Adam. I copied the part that was for me:<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Dear Hoss,<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I can\u2019t say how badly I wish I could hug you and give you my wishes for your health and happiness\u00a0in persona.\u00a0<\/em>On your birthday and Joe\u2019s I always wish I were sitting with you at home on the Ponderosa. You can\u2019t overestimate how much the penholder you made yourself and sent me for my birthday means to me! Dear brother, please take care of yourself and be wiser than I was at fifteen.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

But for now I wish you a happy day and a big cake!<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

With love<\/p>\n

your brother Adam<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

September 10, 1851 (aged 15)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

School has changed, Mike and Jake have finished and also a few girls; but we have around eight new children. The boy from the International Hotel also comes here now. He brags a lot about his rich parents. The others are nice. And \u2013 oh Journ, if you could see her! She looks so pretty and her name fits her so wonderfully: Lilly. She is blonde with green eyes and a very fine figure. She is fifteen like me.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

September 15, 1851 (aged 15)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Pa had hired new hands for the cattle drive and I sit in school. Why couldn\u2019t he give me that chance? The only thing in school that don\u2019t bore me to death is Lilly. I could watch her all the day.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

September 23, 1851 (aged 15)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I met Mike and Jake a few times but they don’t have much free time except Saturday nights when they go to Saloons. I\u2019m not afraid of going into a Saloon but I know I would be recognised and Pa would hear about it and there are prices I won\u2019t pay. So I refused to meet them there. I\u2019m busy with the firewood.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

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October 14, 1851 (aged 15)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam, Pa, even Joe would by now have spoken to a girl or women they adored. I know my feelings are just as strong as theirs, I also recognize romantic situations and places, but I don\u2019t know how to begin even a simple little conversation with Lilly. Whenever I am near her I feel my face go red and I get tongue-tied. If Adam was here I could ask him what I should say; he\u2019d know! I wish I was so handsome and good at saying the right things to people!<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Pa\u2019s back. Joe made a big fuss over seeing him and Pa didn\u2019t have time for me and my problems, so I went up to bed early.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

October 26, 1851 (aged 15)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I feel like a trapped animal! Pa grounded me in my room directly after church. How can he do that! It\u2019s unfair and it was an accident. And it was Joe\u2019s fault in the first place. I don\u2019t know how often I told him to knock first. But he came in this morning while I was trying to button up my Sunday trousers. I couldn\u2019t get them fastened and that made me feel fat and embarrassed. Joe just stood there grinning in the doorway and wouldn\u2019t leave. So I yelled at him and pushed him out of my room. Right then Pa was leaving his own room, so he saw his little boy fall down. Pa was furious with me because I pushed Joe so hard. He didn\u2019t ask what Joe had done first.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Pa and Joe are now sitting at the dinner table and I\u2019m supposed to sit in my room and think. Well, I think I’m hungry. I missed dinner too. Maybe Pa\u00b4s thinking his fat son shouldn’t eat so much\u2013that skipping some meals would be good for him?<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Hop Sing just brought me sandwiches and called me a\u00a0bad boy<\/em>. I was on the verge of telling him to go away and take the sandwiches with him but then I clammed up and gobbled them down.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Why doesn\u2019t anybody understand me, why is everybody picking on me? All I want to do is sit peacefully with my family and enjoy Sunday evening.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

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November 17, 1851 (aged 15)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I have spoken with Lilly! It\u2019s snowing and we couldn\u2019t go outside during recess. She looked through the door of the hall outside and I went up to her. We talked about how bad the weather has been these days and she smiled at me. I\u2019m happy.<\/p>\n

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November 23, 1851 (aged 15)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I\u2019m sitting here each evening dreaming about her. I\u2019m dreaming in school, dreaming working, dreaming sleeping. Lilly, oh Lilly!<\/p>\n

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 <\/p>\n

November 29, 1851 (aged 15)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Dear friend,<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

please help me. Today I did something I never should. I injured Joe in anger. He was teasing me about Lilly and saying I was sweet on her so I lost my temper. He was directly behind me but I slammed the house door shut without looking back. Somehow he got his arm in the way of the door.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Pa and Hop Sing appeared at the same time from opposite sides of the big room. Pa\u00b4s eyes were shooting flashes at me while he waited for Hop Sing to see how bad Joe’s arm was hurt. My knees trembled because I knew what to expect from Pa but I was really upset about Joe\u2019s arm. It wasn’t long before Hop Sing finished looking at it but for me it was like an eternity. Tears ran down Joe\u2019s cheeks but he tried to be brave and not to flinch during the examination. Fortunately his arm isn\u2019t broken but it’s very badly bruised! Right away Pa ordered me into the guest room and gave me a bad tanning. When we came back out we found Joe sitting on a chair while Hop Sing bandaged his hurt arm. My little brother lifted his wet eyes and looked up at me so sadly. I\u2019m sure I\u2019ll never forget that look. I didn\u2019t need Pa hissing about how this was the second time in just a few weeks I\u2019d been brutal to Joe to make me feel guilty.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

What can I do now? I hate myself. I\u2019m the worst big brother ever!<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

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 <\/p>\n

November 30, 1851 (aged 15)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Joe forgave me! He said he isn\u2019t mad at me at all. How could I have been so unfriendly to him so often lately? I promised him we will spend a lot of time together during Christmas vacation. I hope I can make it up to him.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

December 6, 1851 (aged 15)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Pa asked me if I would like to come with him to the Christmas dance. I was surprised and happy that Pa asked me after all, so I said yes. Even though I wasn\u2019t so sure this would be the right entertainment for me.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I spent a long time over by the buffet. After making a little small talk with the older ladies and the other boys, while I secretly watched Lilly dancing, I followed Mike and Jake to the punch bowl. I drank two glasses of punch with them but I couldn\u2019t concentrate on what they talked about. I was still too busy watching Lilly. She was dancing with a lot of boys not one especially. I was relieved. Then I went back to the buffet \u2013 the others acted as if they thought I didn\u2019t plan to do anything but stand next to it –\u00a0 and I tried to collect all my courage to ask her for a dance. Then I thought maybe it would be better if I practice dancing with another girl first, perhaps with Annie. But of course she wasn\u2019t there\u2013she never goes to anything like this. I was still trying to decide which girl I would try to dance with when Pa came and said the horses and the sleigh were ready.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

On the way back Pa asked me if I had had fun. First I said yes but Pa didn\u2019t believe me so I told him how clumsy I feel and how I\u2019m not handsome and all. We have a full moon and in its bright light I could see what a surprised face Pa made when I said that. I had to laugh. Maybe I\u2019m not really the ugliest boy in town, maybe I just have to try harder with girls.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

At home I studied my face for a long time in the mirror. Maybe my chin and my nose are big but I think my eyes are not too bad. I practiced a steely stare and it looked very manly. I hope I can impress Lilly with it.<\/p>\n

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 <\/p>\n

December 8, 1851 (aged 15)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I think Lilly was impressed. She looked a few times after me. Manly looking is one thing but being a man is another. I don\u2019t know how to speak to her again. But it was a first step! I\u2019m thinking about making a Christmas gift for her!<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

December 20, 1851 (aged 15)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Hop Sing gave me a parcel with Christmas cookies for Annie. She was delighted. Her brothers and sister looked at her with such longing she promised to share with them on Christmas eve. I never saw her looking that happy before. I was a little ashamed it was Hop Sing’s idea to give the poor family some cookies for Christmas. Tomorrow I will buy some sweets for the children and Annie as a gift.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

December 21, 1851 (aged 15)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I gave Annie, her brothers, and sister each a peppermint stick I bought.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

For Lilly I whittled a Christmas star from honey colored wood. She thanked me and smiled like an angel.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

January 1, 1852 (aged 15)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Christmas was as peaceful as it ought to be. Adam sent a letter for us and some more drawings. I played with Joe often during the vacation; it was more fun than I expected, and Pa read to us in the evening.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Once I came in Joe\u2019s room to play with him, he sat on the floor with the box I made for him. When I came in he asked, \u201cShould I show you what I have in that fine box you gave me?\u201d I nodded and he opened it, inside were all the letters and all the pictures Adam had drawn for him and a few items from him and me he treasured. \u201cI call it my big brother box,\u201d he said and I felt guilty and happy at the same time. I hugged him first and then I tickled him until Pa came up and scolded us about making so much noise, but he couldn\u2019t hide his smile and he didn\u2019t want to I think.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

January 5, 1852 (aged 15)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

My heart was pounding when I went back to the schoolroom after Christmas vacation. I looked under my lashes at her. Has Lilly smiled at me? Not sure until now. She looks so beautiful! I exchanged a few words with Annie but she has now four younger siblings in school and no time.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

January 7, 1852 (aged 15)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Yeppiiieeee! Lilly gave me an orange and thanked me again for the star I whittled for her. Yep and then I invited her to meet me on Saturday afternoon and she agreed! If it were spring I could show her my most favorite spots and Hop Sing could make us a picnic. Or maybe she would bake something? But perhaps I shouldn\u2019t take her to the Ponderosa unchaperoned anyway. So we agreed I would invite her to the International House. Oh Journ, I\u2019m so nervous.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

January 10, 1852 (aged 15)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Yup. Wow. Great! All went well! She looked fabulous today in a pink dress with white laces and a white cape, mittens and shawl. She has expensive tastes even in what she eats. But surely she wasn\u2019t aware of how much the things she chose cost. And after we sat that long together a gentleman has to invite a beautiful women to have dinner with him too. When the bill came I was desperate because I hadn\u2019t enough money \u2013 I had expected to pay for two coffees and two or maybe four pieces of cake and not oysters on the half-shell. But the waiter, an old friend of Pa, said, \u201cWould you like to pay now or put it on your account, Mr. Cartwright?\u201d And what looked first like disaster ended in triumph. I said nonchalantly \u2013 at least I intended to \u2013 \u201cPut it on my account, please\u201d, and then I asked him to bring us Lilly\u2019s cape. And Lilly was impressed, sure she was! I helped her into the cape and escorted her outside, took her arm, and walked her home. It was easier than I thought and she smiled at me and gave me a kiss on the cheek as good bye. I know now what heaven is! She\u2019s so lovely. Next Saturday we will meet again.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Monday I\u2019ll pay the bill. I will have to use some of the money Adam gave me for emergencies. But I think he wouldn\u2019t mind, he would understand that a young man\u00a0 needs some money for his girl.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

January 18, 1852 (aged 15)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I couldn’t write to you yesterday, Journ. I was too upset. I stopped courting Lilly yesterday at 3 pm.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Yesterday I got to town half an hour before we planned to meet. I went to the store intending to buy some candy for Joe because it was the second Saturday I’d come to town when he couldn\u2019t come with me. When I got into the store I saw Lilly. She was standing with her back to me \u2013 this time she was in turquoise \u2013 looking at a pile of oranges, just like the one she gave me right after Christmas. My heart jumped with joy because I thought she is here to buy me a gift.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I\u2019m on my way to her when I saw she grabbed one orange and hid it quickly under her cape. I was so astonished I stood by the front door like I was frozen. Then Mr. Cramer came over to her and said they were very delicate and special fruits and very difficult to transport so they were expensive and recently he guessed he must have had a thief in his store stealing them. Then he counted the fruit and said ten minutes ago there had been two more. Lilly smiled her angelic smile at him and said without hesitating, \u201cWhat about those children who just went out, those dirty little Sullivan kids. I saw the boy standing next to these oranges!\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

It was true Annie\u2019s brother Tommy and sister Mary, in clothes that were too thin for the winter cold and carrying a small bag between them, had greeted me as we passed on the steps of the store. But suggesting they took the oranges? I felt thunderstruck! How could she?<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Mr. Cramer opened the door and yelled after the children for them to come back, he wanted to look in their bag. They turned and came back slowly, obviously confused and frightened by the yelling. We all went outside. A few passers-by also gathered to see the spectacle. Then my blood began to pulse through my veins again and I heard it pounding in my ears. I think in comparison to me Pa would have sounded velvet mouthed. I shouted, \u201cHow could you? Stealing and then in cold blood blaming two innocent children! I saw you put an orange under your cape just a minute ago. Open it up!\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

She looked shocked and so did Mr. Cramer. But then he said, \u201cMiss, you heard what Hoss Cartwright said, show us what you have under your cape.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Even then Lilly has the impertinence to refuse; saying that nobody has a right to look under a girl\u2019s clothes and she wasn’t going to undo her cape on a winter day in the public street.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Right then Roy Coffee, who had heard the commotion and hurried over to join us spoke up, “Well, now, Miss, I think you’ll agree I have the right to ask. Now you can undo your cape for me here, or else we can go over to the jail if that’s more convenient for you.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Lilly tried to catch my eye but I looked in the other direction. Eventually she brought one orange out from under her cape. .So the sheriff took her with him to his office. I stood there on the street next to the two small children trembling with fear and cold and I knew what I wanted to do. I asked them to wait a minute for me, then I went back in the store and bought an orange each for them. They were too surprised even to thank me.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I looked again at those little red noses and their thin clothes, and I thought I came to town planning to have coffee at the International House and darn it, I\u2019m going to.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

So I invited the children to have a hot chocolate and a piece of cake each with me. Their smiles were so sincere and happy I couldn\u2019t understand why I had ever thought the smile of that lying thief Lilly was angelic. When we were leaving the hotel Tommy \u2013 he started school last September –\u00a0 scrutinized his orange and smiled shyly at me and said, \u201cHoss, why has this apple such an orange hide? I licked a bit and it tasted very bitter.\u201d The poor little fellow hadn\u2019t ever seen an orange before and didn\u2019t know how to eat it. I got a lot more angry with Lilly for calling him a thief.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Later I learned she had stolen two oranges that day and admitted she\u2019d done it a few other times. I hope her father will thrash her maybe that could change her bad character.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

January 19, 1852 (aged 15)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Lilly wasn\u2019t in school today, maybe she is too ashamed of herself.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Tommy came to me at recess and told me how good that orange tasted under its thick hide. Mary and the two other brothers nodded.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Later on Annie approached me. \u201cFather would be so furious with them if he thought they were thieves,\u201d she said in a low voice. \u201cThank you so much, Hoss!\u201d\u00a0<\/em>She squeezed my hand and smiled. I felt a bit embarrassed and asked her if she would like an apple. At first it seemed she was going to refuse but then she took it.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

February 10, 1852 (aged 15)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

During recess little Tommy follows me around like a shadow now.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Lilly is back. I try and avoid her, and she me.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

February 25, 1852 (aged 15)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I thought Pa and me had settled our differences by now, but we haven’t. I can\u2019t understand Pa. I\u2019m almost 16 and he still treats me like a little kid. A bad grade on a test is a big problem for him. He lectures me like I\u2019m Joe\u2019s age. Sometimes I wish I could put some distance between us like Adam has and live my own life. But on other days it\u2019s so good to sit with him next to the fireplace and feel the warmth. If it wasn’t for that stupid school we wouldn’t have any problems.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Pa knows I do a lot more than chores on the ranch and he shoud be proud of the work I do with Charlie. For example today\u00a0we moved a lot of hay to the cattle on the south pasture after I got back from school. I will ask him about quitting school when there’s a good moment.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

March 21, 1852 (aged 15)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Today was a real great day. The church congregations \u2013 ours and the Catholics both – organized a spring opening feast as a fund-raiser for buying books for our school library. Besides the big picnic, the games and the bazaar with handmade things there were also a few merchants\u2019 stands with sweets, tools, and kitchen utensils, and a puppet show. The show came from San Francisco and played in all the small towns on its way. Joe’s been telling us for a week what he wanted to buy and trying to guess what the puppet show would be. When Pa promised to give Joe the entrance fee and a dime for buying sweets if he behaved well the whole week, I thought about little Tommy. He surely wouldn’t be able to go to the show or even the picnic.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The next day I asked Annie if I could invite Tommy to come with me to the festival. As I saw her eyes get big I added fast, \u201cAnd you and Mary, Johnny and Will.\u201d She gaped at me and interrupted, \u201cStop. Hoss, how will you find so much money?\u201d I said that wasn’t for her to worry about and smiled at her. (Maybe I will take some more out of Adam\u2019s money again.) Annie told me her mother needed her at home, but maybe she’d allow the four younger kids to go while Annie helped her with the laundry. I asked about her father but she just shrugged and said, \u201cHe doesn\u2019t care much about us. He thinks raising the children\u2013especially me \u2013is our mother\u2019s job.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

We got permission for the younger children. It sure is a pity that Annie couldn\u2019t come too but she wished us a fine afternoon and smiled. Hop Sing promised to make up a big picnic lunch and Pa gave me half of what I needed for the Sullivan children as well as the money for my own admission.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The afternoon went so well, we all had so much fun. After the picnic we went to the puppet show. Tommy sat on my lap and Joe on my right. The show was so good I laughed till I cried. After the show we strolled along the booths and I bought sweets for us all, and some extra for Annie.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Later Joe and Johnny teamed up to win the three-legged race and I did pretty well at horseshoes.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I took the children back home in our carriage. When we got close to their cabin they went silent. They told me their father doesn\u2019t like it when they’re loud. I gave Will the bag with leftovers before they got out of the carriage. Suddenly the door opened and Annie came out. She smiled her shy smile at me that I like.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

She thanked me and hugged me quickly before she greeted the children and took them inside. I forgot to give her the little bag of candy.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

March 29, 1852 (aged 15)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Spring is warm this year. I\u2019m glad I haven\u2019t contaminated my favorite places with that weed-Lilly. Today I went to the small meadow I like best. Sitting here and watching how nature becomes green again I felt even more how lifeless school is.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

March 30, 1852 (aged 15)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I told Pa this evening that two boys my age will leave school this summer.\u201c It doesn\u2019t matter what the others do\u201d, was all he said. Last year when I pointed out that Jake and Mike would be leaving, he said they were older. And now that doesn’t matter! Sure I got angry. Pa told me all over again that I have to stay in school until I had finished. When he started on how happy Adam would have been to have such a good school so near, I couldn\u2019t stand any more of it. \u201cI\u2019m not Adam! I\u2019m only your dumb middle son!\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Pa only growled that I shouldn\u2019t dare yell at him and sent me to my room.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Before I slammed the door I shouted back, “Maybe you can make me stay in school but you can\u2019t make me learn anything!\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I knew it was childish but it seemed the only thing I could do. Dadburnit! It\u2019s my life, after all, and I want to quit school! I don\u2019t know how that stupid book learning could help me out here on the ranch.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Why doesn\u2019t Pa understand how much work I could do here? I don’t want to quit school just so I can slack off. I want to work! I\u2019m as strong as a man and I could do a man\u2019s job. And he would be the one who benefits.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

April 2, 1852 (aged 15)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Annie told me how happy her brothers and sister have been after our afternoon and I remembered the bag with sweets I still had with me. The candies didn’t look very pretty now and were gluey but we sat under the tree where only the oldest pupils sit and ate them. She told me that she will have to quit school this year because her mother is expecting again and needs her at home. She looked very sad about that. She couldn\u2019t understand how much I want to be done with school. It was somehow bittersweet we both were afraid of our future but for now we sat together in the early sun and ate candies with sticky fingers.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

April 12, 1852 (aged 15)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Hi Journ,<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Today I brought home an E in the last history test. I hadn\u2019t bothered to study for it. I gave Pa the test without flinching, looking him directly in the eyes to show him that I could be at least as stubborn as he. I thought there would be an argument, that we\u2019d lock horns. But Pa was very calm and said he could see that my decision was made. That was all.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Pa rode into town and came back three hours later. He said he had withdrawn me from school and that tomorrow he\u2019ll take me up to the lumber camp. That\u2019s where the less educated men can work on the Ponderosa, so if I think I\u2019m a man because of my muscles it\u2019s where I should go to use them.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I\u2019m not sure if Pa means that as a punishment. But it doesn\u2019t matter because I don\u2019t have to go to school anymore!<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

April 17, 1852 (aged 15)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Hi Journ,<\/p>\n

I’ve been at camp now for most of a week and my whole body aches but it\u2019s so good feeling you could do this hard work; it\u2019s so satisfying.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

April 19, 1852 (aged 15)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

We not only cut trees we also plant some young ones. The rest Nature does for herself. Nature gives you all you need but you mustn\u2019t rob her. I enjoy being out here in the woods during spring. When we finished work and dusk settles in I go just a few yards away from camp and sit there, near where a patch of green grass is growing, in silence and wait. Every evening the deer come there with their little ones. I carry my rifle with me not because I want to shoot them but in case any dangerous animals also show up and I have to defend myself. I learned long ago that Nature has to provide for all her creatures and a big fat Hoss might look like a better dinner to a cougar than a deer.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I can\u2019t write here any more because the men tease me about it and try to look over my shoulder.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

May 22, 1852 (aged 15)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Hello Journal,<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I\u2019m back from camp. Adam would laugh but they gave me the nickname professor because they saw me writing in my Journal twice and reading an adventure book. At first it was fine there. But after three weeks it got boring: the jokes, the tales about women, the drinking on Saturday night: always the same. The bragging about women I disliked the most. Whenever they did that I always saw Annie before me with her shy smile.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Maybe I missed also my evenings with Pa, hearing him read the newspaper and knowing what\u2019s going on in the world, or playing checkers with Joe.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Then there was that one big tree we cut. I was clearing branches from its trunk when I found a nest with four little naked birds. They were too small to save, so I killed them. It wasn\u2019t nice killing those innocent creatures but better for them than starving. Then I put\u00a0<\/em>a shovelful of dirt over\u00a0<\/em>them. The other men looked at me as if I was crazy. The foreman called me back to work because I had wasted enough time.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

At dinner when Bert teased me about my tender heart I showed him with my right hook that he’d better not. I think the others were impressed but I knew in that moment working in a lumber camp isn\u2019t my future. Pa was right.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

May 24, 1852 (aged 15)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I\u2019m back at school. Pa and I had a long talk after I came home with him. We agreed that I would go back to school again and stay through next year, so I can learn to keep the books and manage the other paperwork. I don\u2019t like it very much but unless I\u2019m capable of doing it I couldn\u2019t run a ranch. And ranching\u2019s what I like! But Pa also understood that I want to learn more about doing the practical things. We compromised by deciding that this autumn I\u2019d go on the cattle drive. I\u2019ll miss school for another six weeks but I can catch up the same way I am now.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Annie seems happy that I\u2019m back at school. I wish I\u2019d find a way to make her parents let her come to school next year too. Seeing your friends again is nice\u00a0-especially little Tommy.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

At home I get to play checkers with Joe and sit with Pa on the porch again. Joe is now real good at checkers!<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Rosie was barren this year so we bred her again. We sent her to a big black stallion that has some racehorse blood. Pa objected to this plan at first but I know this stallion and Rosie would match just fine and Pa finally went along with me.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

May 31, 1852 (aged 15)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Joe seemed unhappy. When I let him drive the carriage and even that didn\u2019t cheer him up I knew something big was wrong. Then when I met Joe in the hall this evening he whispered for me to come into his room. He rummaged a while in his wardrobe and pulled out his new Sunday jacket. It was all torn up and stained. I remembered that on our way back from church I had wondered why Joe was pulling his coat tight shut since it wasn\u2019t cold at all.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

When I asked him how this happened he said a branch broke while he was climbing a tree and he slid down clinging to the trunk until he could catch hold of another branch.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWhich tree?\u201d I asked.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cThe big one over by the church.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cBut that\u2019s a good climbing tree! The only branches that might break are right at its top!\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Joe just stared down at his feet and I felt cold sweat on my forehead. Then he looked up at me with a proud smile and said, \u201dBut I won, I went the highest.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cJoe, you could have killed yourself falling out of the top of that tree!\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI caught hold again. Please, Hoss, don\u2019t tell Pa,\u201d he said, and looked at the jacket in misery.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

We knew both if Pa saw it like this Joe would be in for it and he\u2019d have to say how he got it in such a mess. And that wouldn\u2019t make anything better.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cHoss, can\u2019t you come up with something? Please help me, big brother!\u201d and he smiled his winningest smile at me.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Joe didn\u2019t need to bait me like that, because I still wanted to help him anyway. But what could I do?<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cMaybe Hop Sing could do something \u2026without telling Pa,\u201d Joe went on, and that gave me an idea.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWait a minute, Joe, not Hop Sing\u2013let’s try going to Chinatown and see if someone there can help.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

So that\u2019s what we\u2019ll do tomorrow.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

June 4, 1852 (aged 15)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

We found someone who said he will mend the jacket for us. Maybe it would have been quicker and cheaper if we asked Hop Sing\u2019s cousin to do it but that seemed too big a risk. We went to town every day to see if it was ready and today we got a neatly and mostly invisibly repaired stainless jacket back in our hands. It cost nearly half of Adam\u2019s emergency money but we were both so relieved to have it before Sunday.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I think this way it’s better even for Pa, because he doesn\u2019t have to be scared about what could have happened, and now the jacket looks like new again too.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

June 12, 1852 (aged 15)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Joe is ten now. We celebrated his birthday with a little party. While the adults drank coffee, I played games with the children. Joe loved it. Just one time he got sullen because he wasn\u2019t given a do-over throw when the children were throwing balls at a big stack of cans. Joe was winning the shiny marble that was the victory prize but missed on his last throw and argued he got distracted by someone else while aiming. Then he ran into the house. But Pa gave him his stern glare and reminded him of his duties as a host so he came back and had fun again. That\u2019s the good thing about Joe\u2013he can get over a bad mood real quickly.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

July 2, 1852 (aged 15)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

My grades were much better than expected. Pa and I often sit together in the evenings and he shows me the ledgers for the ranch and has me check his work. It\u2019s a lot more difficult than I thought.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

This summer I\u2019ll work with Charlie. Pa will invite Joe\u2019s friend Mitch to visit so he won\u2019t be lonely. I promised him we’d spend one day of every weekend doing things together.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

July 14, 1852 (aged 15)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Hard dry work, riding and mending fences, but work where you can think or even not think, only be. When we break off to rest at noon I feel like I’m just another piece of Nature, lying here not moving, all my strength tucked deep inside me. So a rock must feel in the sun.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

August 21, 1852 (aged 15)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I went with Joe to the lake a few times. He loves the lake too, for him it is a place of great adventures. He pretends he\u2019s a pirate or an Indian. We skip stones and he shows off like a little daredevil, jumping and diving off the rocks. Sometimes he dares me to do a few stunts of my own like that, and we chat and laugh a lot. It’s a lot of fun being with him but we never see any animals except for a few ducks far away.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

August 22, 1852 (aged 15)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Joe has really outgrown his small pony. We tried to convince Pa of that during dinner yesterday. Pa finally agreed with us but to Joe\u2019s utter disappointment Pa gave him Queenie to ride. Queenie is a real nice little mare Adam rode when he was a boy. She is good mannered but she disliked running even when she was younger and she is a lot older than Joe.<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Fourth year<\/strong><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Annie isn\u2019t in school anymore. She wanted to stay so badly and I miss her. Little Tommy clings to me again. Maybe I can invite them both for a little carriage trip.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Lilly has left school, too.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

September 2, 1852 (aged 15)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

After school I rode with Tommy to his home. I rode double with him and he looked as proud as if he was a knight riding his charger. I could feel his ribs through his shirt and jacket.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Mr. Sullivan was at home and I tried to ask him if his daughter Annie and his son Tommy could spend the day with me on Saturday. I\u2019ve never\u00a0seen such strange behaviour. His answer was a flat \u201cNo!\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I asked him why not and promised I would take good care of them. He looked at me if I was crazy and asked \u201cWhy those two?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cBecause they are my friends.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cThe skinny one and Annie?\u201d he said in disbelief. Besides she isn\u2019t my daughter. She\u2019s just her mother\u2019s bastard.\u201d I saw Annie wince when he said it but he continued without showing any emotion, \u201cBut that doesn\u2019t matter to me. She works and pulls her weight. That\u2019s all that really matters for anyone. If you like take the Skinny. But not the girl. Her mother needs her here.\u201d And with that he turned to his work again as if he hadn\u2019t said such a cruel thing about his stepdaughter.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Annie stood there, her eyes full of tears. I took a deep breath but she interrupted me, \u201cDon\u2019t Hoss! It\u2019s all right! Please take Tommy with you. He’ll enjoy it so much!\u201d\u00a0 Then she turned and ran inside where her mother was standing in the doorway with a stony face.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I ask me what a kind of man is that Mr. Sullivan! Didn\u2019t he see how he hurt Annie?<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

September 4, 1852 (aged 15)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Back from my trip with little Tommy! He is such a great child! First I was sad that Annie couldn\u2019t come with us again and very angry about Mr. Sullivan, but she said, we shouldn\u2019t spoil the day because of her when Tommy was so exited about the upcoming trip, and there would be another day when she could come too. So I tried to make the trip for Tommy the best I could.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

And it turns out that the day became really special for Tommy and me. He asked if we could ride and not use the carriage and so I took him by horse. We rode around two hours. I\u2019ve never seen a little boy all eyes and ears like him, he devours the sights around him. I showed him squirrels and special birds. I took him to my berry patch and we picked the last blackberries. Then we rode to the beaver dam. The beavers hid at first, but we waited to see them and when they came out he watched them wide-eyed around half an hour with all his attention. On the way home I led the way through a small grassy valley I like very much. Tommy sat very still for a long time just looking at it, then he said, \u201cThis meadow is so cheerful, Hoss, with all those blue, yellow and red flowers. I like those flowers.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I was glad that the little boy loved that spot, too. It\u2019s really a special place, the meadow has enough water so very colorful wildflowers bloom there even in the fall. I told Tommy that I often take a bunch of wildflowers from that meadow to my mother. He turned and looked at me speaking with surprise in his voice, \u201cCan I pick some for my ma too, Hoss?\u201d as if the meadow was mine.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I showed him how long the stems must be and he picked a real pretty bunch of flowers that he clutched in his hands like a treasure all the way back sometimes smiling at it.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

September 8, 1852 (aged 16)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Pa gave me a golden pocket watch with my initials on the backside for my birthday. Normally I don\u2019t like wearing a suit but now I\u2019m\u00a0 looking forward to Sunday when I\u2019ll be carrying the watch for the first time in church while wearing my Sunday best.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

October 14, 1852 (aged 16)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Back from the cattle drive. As a greenhorn I had to ride drag. It\u2019s a very dirty and hard job. I was never so saddle sore as on the first days. The hands grinned at me when I walked stiffly and groaned but Charlie gave me some salve.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

It\u2019s so great after a day\u2019s work to sit by the fire and relax. But first you have to quench your thirst. The drive cook\u2019s helping boy brings you your food you don’t have to fetch it because we working men have earned our rest. On the drive I saw Pa from a different point of view: as the boss. He\u2019s a good one \u2013 like the others say not only strict but fair but also foresightful, and full of knowledge about the geography and the cattle.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

It\u2019s funny I don\u2019t like the smell of filthy clothes and unwashed bodies in winter but in the camp I enjoyed the mixed smell of sweat, smoke, leather, cows, and horses on my own body and everyone else’s. It smells manly and like hard work and maybe freedom from civilization.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

But after we sold our cattle and Pa paid the hands (and me!) we went to a hotel \u2013 Pa rented its best room for us two \u2013 with a bathhouse. And being freshly bathed and wearing fresh clothes is also a great feeling; and having dinner in a expensive hotel restaurant also.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Joe and I fetched the mail today after school. Like two years ago Adam\u2019s letter about his year didn\u2019t come until during the drive. Now he is one of the ten best in his class. What an achievement for a country boy who couldn\u2019t go to one of the fancy schools the others attended. He sent a portrait of his grandfather, which Pa studied a long time;\u00a0 and a letter for Joe and a special birthday card for me.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam\u2019s card (I glued it in with a strip of paper so you can turn it and see the image of Boston on the front side):<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Dear brother Erik,<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Pa wrote me you will go on your first cattle drive this year. So you are almost a man and I think using your Christian name is required! Happy birthday to you! May you always have health, joy and the Lord\u2019s blessing. I\u2019ve heard how big a help you are for Pa and that you\u2019re a great big brother. I\u2019m so proud to be the brother of such a successful young man. Like always I wish I could give you a big hug!<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I enjoyed the description of the sunset at the lake in your last letter. I\u2019m not sure if you are aware that many famous philosophers share your feelings about nature. Maybe you would like to read Thoreau.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Take care of yourself.<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

Your brother Adam<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

P.S.: Riding drag is very dirty; try to avoid it if you can. I couldn\u2019t.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

October 18, 1852 (aged 16)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Going back to school is odd.\u00a0I’m sitting next to John now, a boy my own age I neither like nor dislike. He’s helping me catch up on what I missed. It\u2019s not too bad using your brain after using your muscles. There\u2019s a lot of catching up to do but I look at it like a race. For the first time I can understand Adam about finding it satisfying to learn.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Joe is inattentive in school but that\u2019s up to him. It\u2019s interesting to see all the little girls whispering and looking after him but he seems not to realize it while he plays his rough games with his friends. Or is he only pretending not to notice? Tommy is happy to see me, as always. He gave me a picture he had drawn that shows me and him in a flower meadow. Because he didn\u2019t have colored inks he scribbled in the picture the color\u2019s names. I promised to go fly a kite with him when the weather allows it (and his father! I dislike that man. It seems that any joy is a sin for him.)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

November 4, 1852 (aged 16)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Before I rode to school on October 27 the weather was sunny and a bit windy. I thought about my promise to fly a kite and asked Joe if he wanted to come along. He said yes so we made plans about where we would go for the kite flying. I brought the old kite we made last year to school with me. It wouldn\u2019t take long to repair it during recess.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I searched for Tommy to tell him but he wasn\u2019t in the yard or in\u00a0 the schoolroom. When I asked his brother Will about him during recess he said Tommy was ill. The little fellow is often sick so I only asked Will to give him my good wishes, but then I saw Mary and I got alarmed. The little girl had red rimmed eyes and whispered to me that Tommy was dying, she had heard their father say so. Johnny also looked very sad and now even Will busted out in tears. All I could think was \u201cNo!\u201d.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Right away I saddled my horse and galloped over to the Sullivan\u2019s.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I went in without knocking. Annie was at the hearth stirring a big pot, and little Martin\u00a0 crouched on the floor alternately sucking and licking on a spoon and beating the floor with it.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Annie had red rimmed eyes too. I went to her and stroked her hair trying to console her. She sniffed and pointed with her head to a chamber door.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

There was little Tommy, all hot and sweaty on a narrow cot. His mother sat on his bed trying to feed him some mashed potatoes.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Tommy didn\u2019t open his mouth. I went up to the bed and called his name softly. His eyes focused after a while circling around on my face and a small smile curled his dry and swollen lips. \u201cHello, Hoss, what are you doing here,\u201d he whispered. \u201cAre you here, to take me for a ride?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I felt a lump in my throat but I said \u201cHi buddy, the weather is just fine, I thought maybe we could fly a kite the way I promised you.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Tommy smiled again but then he had a coughing fit that tired him out so he couldn\u2019t speak anymore. I looked at his mother who sat there with a stony face looking blankly at the wall.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWhat has the doctor said?\u201d I asked.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cNothing.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWhy nothing?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cHe wasn\u2019t here!\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I was speechless, no doctor. \u201cI will go and bring him, Tommy needs him!\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I brought Doc Martin within an hour to the Sullivan\u2019s, I said I would pay him from my own money. He examined Tommy and gave him something for the coughing but his face was all serious like I\u2019d never seen it before. My heart sank. Tommy had Pneumonia and there\u2019s really nothing even a doctor can do against it. It depends on how strong a body is to fight it off, and that night would be the crisis, the Doc told me.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201eBut he isn\u2019t strong, Doctor,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

He just looked back at me with a slight sad nod.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cBut I have to do something. Maybe a good healthy broth, like Hop Sing makes if we are sick, could help him?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cYou can try it, boy! I’ll be back and look at him again during the night.”<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

When I returned with the broth Hop Sing gave me Tommy\u00b4s father was back from his work and the other children back from school. While I was giving Annie the big pot, Hop Sing\u2019s instructions and the herbal tea he also sent Mr. Sullivan stated, \u201cYou brought the doctor and paid his bill?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I nodded.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWasted money, there are better uses for it. I know dying children; he won\u2019t recover!\u201d Then he called Mary to set the table and told Annie to start serving dinner.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

When I rode home that night I couldn\u2019t hold back my tears. Tommy was unconscious and Doc Martin said I could do nothing more. It was now up to him. His ma and Annie were there by his bed so I felt like an intruder and said good bye.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I put the picture he painted for me in front of me and I prayed for him, but it didn\u2019t bring me any peace. Not like other times. Even though I prayed with my whole heart, for the first time ever it didn\u2019t comfort me.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

November 5-7, 1852 (aged 16)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

On the ride to the Sullivan\u2019s place early the next day I was more afraid then I can tell.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

When I came into the cabin I was taken aback. There sat Mr. Sullivan at the scratched wooden table eating broth \u2013 the broth I brought yesterday for Tommy. I lost my temper and yelled at him, asking how he could do that.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cBecause the Skinny doesn\u2019t need it anymore, he is dead. May the Lord be gracious to his soul.\u201d And with that he slurped down loudly another spoonful of broth.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I was so shocked I couldn\u2019t speak or react. I felt tears in my eyes and desperation over the death of my little friend that I\u2019d been dreading and at the same time a rage I haven\u2019t felt before. \u201cHe\u2019s dead and you just sit there eating his soup? \u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cLook, boy, I\u2019m the one who brings the money, if I can\u2019t work they all will starve. So it\u2019s my job to eat and be healthy.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWhat kind of a father are you?\u00a0 Don\u2019t it mean nothing to you that your son\u2019s dead in the next room?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cTom was always too small, from the time he was born. I knew he\u2019d never grow up. But I think I\u2019m a proper father: I do what\u2019s needed: I feed them, I teach them right from wrong and I give them clothes. That\u2019s what a father has to do. If they live or die isn\u2019t my decision. Whether it\u2019s the Lord\u2019s will or just bad luck, you still have to live with it. Children come and go. So it is!\u201d he said and dipped his spoon back into the broth.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I stared at the man, bewildered, fighting down the impulse to grab him by his collar, haul him up and beat him so he would feel at least some kind of pain.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Instead I went wordlessly around the table to where I knew Tommy\u2019s body would be, where the day before I saw him burning with fever.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Annie, her mother, John, Will and Mary were standing around his bed praying. They made room for me so I could approach the narrow bed. There Tommy lay with a pale waxen face, his little hands folded,\u00a0 his curious eyes closed forever. I couldn\u2019t pray, I felt sobs coming like an eruption. I couldn\u2019t stay any more in the crowded room, I had to get outside. I saw Tommy\u2019s mother with her frozen face carrying little Martin and Annie\u2019s red, teary eyes as I mumbled a few words of condolence and ran out of the place.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

When I was outside the house I heard a baby crying in the other bedroom.\u00a0Children come and go<\/em>\u00a0rang in my ears.<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The next thing I remember I was running, stumbling and staggering through the woods. I hadn\u2019t no horse. I must have left it at the Sullivan\u2019s place. Eventually I threw myself down under a big tree crying and arguing with the Lord. Why did Tommy have to die? I thought about ma and my mama. I was so desperate I pounded on the ground with my fists. Finally I fell asleep.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Now I can say I was lucky because that late October night wasn\u2019t as cold as usual and I\u2019d\u00a0 found myself a relatively warm place in the dry needles under that big tree. When I woke up the moon stood high in the sky. I was sad but not so desperate anymore. I remembered our little trip two months ago and without thinking I went to that meadow. His image stood before my eyes. I saw him picking flowers and happily smiling and I vowed that I would find him a few flowers so he would have something he loved to carry with him.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I stood up and began to search. After the sun came up it was easier to look, but I couldn\u2019t find any flowers so late in the year. I went to all the warm and sheltered places I could remember then just started walking at random. I walked the whole day. I don\u2019t remember much about that day; at first I felt hungry but then I lost the feeling, and my hands and face got scratched from thorns and branches. By the time it was almost sunset, I was standing halfway up a mountain and knew I was lost because nothing seemed familiar.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I sat down on a stone feeling thirsty and exhausted, the desperation came back and I closed my eyes. And then I heard a slight ripple of water. I needed a while to fight down my weakness but I managed to follow the sound till I found a fresh spring. I knelt down and drank gratefully When I looked up from the refreshing water I saw them: three white blossoms looking like silver white stars with a light yellow middle. I picked the little flowers gingerly and after wetting my handkerchief I wrapped their stems in it. I stood again and surveyed the land and in that moment I just knew where to go.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I\u2019m not sure of that night either but I walked mostly. Pa\u2019s star-navigating came in useful and I got back to Virginia City in the early morning. The first man I saw was Sheriff Coffee. I tried to avoid a meeting but he saw me too and called my name. I called back that I didn\u2019t have time and headed on towards the Sullivan\u2019s cabin.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

But then everything happened very quickly, Pa was with me, holding my arm, speaking to me in a low voice. I didn\u2019t understand him. I cried to Pa that I had to go to the Sullivan\u2019s place. Pa shook me and I focused on his face, his mouth. \u201cTommy isn\u2019t there anymore,\u201d I heard and saw him tell me.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The ground was trembling and tilting. I saw dark fog patches before my eyes and all I could say was, \u201cBut I found them for him. I wanted to give him these as a greeting from earth, something to hold in his little hands for comfort when he went through the darkness to heaven.\u2026\u201d My voice faded away and it was like I saw the world through a thick glass pane \u2013 far away and silent. Pa shook me again, and somehow I was lying on the street.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cHe isn\u2019t buried yet, son, he is in the mortuary chapel at the Catholic Church. And I will bring him your flowers. I promise. Open your hand, son!\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

First I couldn\u2019t loosen my grip but then my muscles relaxed and in the same moment the dark came back but velvet and comforting this time.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I remember Charlie driving our buggy, me climbing the stairs and falling into bed. It was dark when Pa entered my room, sat on my bed and stroked my cheek. \u201cI\u2019m glad you are back, Hoss, I was worried.\u201d I snuggled my face up to his big calloused hand and felt the safety of my father\u2019s love and knew how privileged I am to have such a father.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Suddenly my stomach growled. I hadn\u2019t eaten for more than two days and two nights. Pa thought I was still too weak to get up so Hop Sing served me two big plates of food in bed which I devoured. After eating I fell into a dreamless sleep again until the next day.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I knew I shouldn\u2019t get up yet but I couldn\u2019t stay in my bed any longer the way Pa ordered me to. I had to get to the graveyard, to Tommy\u2019s grave and say my last goodbye to him and pray for him. So I did. When my eyes were dry again I knew I also had to ride to the Sullivan\u2019s. He was their son and I wasn\u2019t at his funeral.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I found the family sitting around the old table in their dismal cabin just finishing their meagre Sunday supper. When I entered all heads turned to me.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I tried to say something when Annie sprang from her seat and run in my direction calling my name with surprise and relief. \u201cI\u2019m so glad you\u2019re here! I was worried about you, Hoss. And you have \u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I smiled at her when her father in a gruff voice addressed me, \u201cWhy?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I turned and saw him glaring at me intensely. I cringed under his scrutiny. \u201cWhat do you mean, sir? Why what?\u201d I asked as politely I could.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The children looked at me curiously. When their father saw their stares he ordered them outside, saying he wanted to speak to me alone. They obeyed so quickly I could see how used they are to following their father\u2019s orders at once. As Annie lifted little Martin out of his chair, she gave me a quick smile before following the other children out the back door. I felt very uncomfortable all alone with her parents.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWhy did you bring those flowers to the Skinny\u2026to Tommy?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI thought he \u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cNo, why those flowers?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cSir?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

He frowned and I stammered, \u201cIt\u2019s almost November, sir. They were all I could find. In summer I would have found bigger flowers and more of them. But those little stars were nice also, I thought.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cThose little silver white stars used to grow in a nice sunny spot in front of our house in Ireland. My mother loved flowers and had a lot around our house, more than other women.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

It seemed to me that there was a flickering in the man\u2019s eyes.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cThen your little son inherited his love for flowers from his grandma, sir.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cTommy liked flowers?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cSure he did, flowers, meadows, trees, animals. He liked everything that grows. You must not know much about your children.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cNo, maybe not.\u201d I saw the flicker again. \u201cI liked the flowers around our house as a boy. Our house wasn\u2019t big but it looked nice when they bloomed.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cPatrick,\u201d his wife interrupted him. \u201cIt seemed like you always thought flowers were only an unnecessary expense, a waste of time. If I had known\u2026I like them\u2026,\u201d and her glance went to a dried bunch of wildflowers, tied up with a pink silk ribbon and hanging on the wall next to a small crucifix.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cMaybe we can try and plant a garden in the spring around here,\u201d Mr. Sullivan mumbled as he left the cabin through the front door.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I felt hot, and uncertain about all this but said Hop Sing has a lot of seeds and flower bulbs\u2013even roses\u2013 that she could have from the Ponderosa and then said good bye quickly hoping I could see Annie outside.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

While I was in the doorway I heard a deep sob and turning I saw tears streaming down Mrs Sullivan\u2019s face and it seemed like the stone melted. I saw this once before on Pa\u2019s face when Ma died. Just then the back door opened and Annie went in to her mother. I knew she needed Annie more than me so I went on and left.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The way back seemed to get longer and longer and I felt cold in the wintry breeze. My nose was dripping now and I felt sweat run down my back. When I finally reached home and touched the cold metal door handle a shiver went through my body. I knew I was running a fever.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

If I hadn\u2019t been so weak Pa would have skinned me alive when I entered the big room. He said I had been warm in that morning and wasn\u2019t supposed to get out of my bed. Hop Sing made some herbal teas and put cold compresses around my calves to lower my fever. The last thing I heard as I felt asleep was Pa\u2019s threats about what he would do to me if I didn\u2019t stay in my bed this time. So I\u2019ve been stuck a whole week now. Doc Martin came and said I was lucky that I only had a heavy cold.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

For the last three days Joe has been allowed to come in. He sat on my bed and tried to cheer me up. And he did get me laughing over his shenanigans a few times. But laughing made me cough so heavily Hop Sing threatened to chase him out of my room. So we played checkers. Yesterday we got to talking about death and suddenly he hugged me hard and said, \u201cHoss, I love you, please always be careful! I can\u2019t live without you!\u201d I promised and I realized how much I love my little brother, too.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The last\u00a0 days I felt better and so I wrote that long entry. Like Adam said, it clarifies your thoughts.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I pray daily for Tommy and I hope he will find his grandmother in heaven.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

November 13, 1852 (aged 16)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Pa kept me home another week because it freezes now. After a long argument Joe was allowed to ride to school by himself the last two weeks. I think Pa trusts Queenie more than Joe. In the winter it\u2019s good he\u2019s riding\u00a0her but I\u2019ll try to persuade Pa to let Joe ride a more spirited horse in the spring. He can handle one and he would love it.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

November 15, 1852 (aged 16)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Today I returned to school. The long ride in winter before the sun is really up is normally not very pleasant but today I was glad to finally get out of the house and\u00a0 I felt strong and healthy again.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

As I entered the schoolroom I felt a pang of sadness when I saw Tommy\u2019s empty chair and was going to my own seat when I froze in surprise. Annie sat in her old place. I couldn\u2019t believe it. I ran through the classroom, lifted her out of her seat and swirled her around. There\u2019s not much space for something like that and Miss Taylor reprimanded me but I was so happy.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

During recess Annie told me that her parents will let her attend school again whenever she wasn\u2019t needed at home. Her mother said it worked before and she could manage Martin and Bridget and the cooking. For the other household chores she needs Annie but most of the work could wait until she comes home from school. Mary is old enough to help by now, too.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

December 22, 1852 (aged 16)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

It\u2019s the last school day before Christmas and today Hop Sing gave me the yearly parcel with Christmas cookies for the Sullivans. I added peppermint sticks and for Annie a new pencil-case with all the tools she needs for geometry. She has only old tools that aren\u2019t very precise. It was expensive and I had to use the rest of Adam\u2019s money too but I\u2019m sure he would approve that purpose highly.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

When I gave my parcel to Annie the other Sullivan children stood around expectantly. They thanked me and stared at the big parcel but also at Annie. She smiled at me, bent down and produced from under her desk one parcel with the best Christmas wishes from the whole Sullivan family and another one just from her. They\u2019re here with me now I\u2019m not allowed to open them before Christmas.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

December 26, 1852 (aged 16)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Christmas was joyful this year. We sat together on Christmas eve, after Pa read the Christmas story, sipping the hot cocoa Hop Sing made and telling each other stories about Ma, Adam and even Tommy.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Pa went to his desk and said Adam wanted us to open his gift today. It was a daguerreotype. On the small square of glass you can see Adam! It\u2019s real, not painted. He looks good, my big brother, even in his fancy eastern-style clothes! Pa seemed very proud, too, when he looked at the portrait. Pa and I told a lot of stories about Adam that night.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The night after Christmas Joe came in my room looking rather distressed, not how he usually is at Christmas. \u201cWhat\u2019s wrong, Joe?\u201d He stood by my bed staring at the daguerreotype that Pa had given me to put on my nightstand. Finally he asked sheepishly, \u201cTell me, Hoss, he looks so odd. I can\u2019t remember him at all.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I lifted my bedcover, let Joe snuggle next to me, held the picture in front of us so we could look at it together and told him about Adam, mostly stories about Adam and him when he was little. A few incidents he remembered and I felt him relax.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWhen is he coming back?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cIn nine months!\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Joe nodded and snuggled closer to me with a little sigh.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

In the Sullivans\u2019 parcel was a jar with a special apple jelly Annie\u2019s mother made. I know from our first years here what an indulgence preserves are and it touched me that the Sullivans shared theirs with me. I\u2019m looking forward to open and eat it. Annie knitted me warm mittens I can wear instead of or over my leather gloves. She must have seen how often I can\u2019t write for the first half hour in school because my hands are too cold.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

January 12, 1853 (aged 16)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Mrs. Taylor closed school today at noon because she is ill. The younger children like Joe and the Sullivans took the chance to make an ice-slide in the schoolyard and have fun together instead going straight home.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Annie and I sat in the small school\u2019s stable together and she told me some more about her family. She said that the day after I left her stepfather and her mother talked all night. She didn\u2019t remember that they had done so before. One result was that they both said they wanted their children to find happiness in life and that was why Annie could attend school again.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I already knew that Mr. Sullivan was only her stepfather but now she told me how it all came about. Annie\u2019s mother gave birth to Annie at the age of fifteen shortly after she and her family arrived in New York City from Ireland. She wasn’t married then so Annie didn’t have a legal father. They lived in a single room shared by three families and the arrival of a bastard child was very unwelcome and disapproved of. Her own father had been dead a long time so her uncle married her off to Mr. Sullivan, who was ten years older and had just lost his wife in childbed so he needed a wet nurse. She tried her best but the other baby girl died shortly after the wedding. Half a year later Mr. Sullivan had enough money to join a wagon train going west, and she had to leave all her relatives forever. On their way west Mr. Sullivan\u2019s little boy died too, so only Annie was left.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Annie said she believes that her stepfather never really got over the loss of\u00a0 that first wife he loved and her children. Her own ma never took the other woman’s place and he couldn\u2019t love the new children either. But now she felt for the first time that her parents were seeing that they did care for each other.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Annie looked at me with her shy smile and I hugged her there in the stable and told her that all will be better.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I felt so bad for Annie\u2019s mother, she really had it hard. I also thought about our Pa and how happy we all can be that he overcame the loss of three wives!<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

February 24, 1853 (aged 16)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Today Pa traded four steers for six horses. I think he mostly did it because the Indians need the food badly at the end of the long winter. Two of the horses are old and we will release them back to the wild but the others are fine young animals. The pinto and the black are not full-grown yet but maybe we can train them for riding in the fall. They could become very fine cattle horses.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

March 23, 1853 (aged 16)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Annie, Will and Johnny weren\u2019t in school the last two days. Mary told me they were at home helping to plant potatoes in the field their father had plowed last Saturday. Every spring he borrows a plow and a horse for doing it.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

After school I rode to their place. The family came back from the field to their house just as I got there Annie\u2019s mother carrying Bridget, and Annie holding Martin by the hand. Annie smiled at me while she led the little boy to the pump and washed his dirty face and hands.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cLook, Hoss!\u201d she called and showed me the cords stretched in to form rectangles beside the house. \u201cFather will extend our vegetable garden and \u2026, \u201c she turned pointing to the house, \u201cthere will be a few flowerbeds at the front of the house too.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I turned and saw Mrs. Sullivan smile at the small rosebushes planted next to the door now before she went into the cabin taking Bridget with her.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

It looks like a lot of work and I asked Annie if I could help after school.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

March 28, 1853 (16)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

For the last week I’ve been going after school to the Sullivans\u2019 place and break up the soil in the garden. I couldn\u2019t do it if Joe hadn\u2019t volunteered to do a few of my chores! I\u2019m so glad he did!<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I met Annie\u2019s father a few times when he came from his work. Even now that I know more about his life I try to avoid him. Tomorrow I\u2019ll bring them the seeds, offshoots and bulbs Hop Sing gave me.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

March 30, 1853 (aged 16)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Today Pa used his belt on Joe for the first time. Pa found him standing in the corral between the unbroken Indian horses trying to tame them by feeding them oats from his palm. They didn\u2019t do anything to Little Joe but they could have. Carrying the oats in his pockets was especially dangerous because the hungry and wild animals could have pushed him to reach the oats. And when you try to keep them away they could get startled and trample you.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I think Joe deserved to be punished but Pa overreacted. I tried to tell Pa that and make him aware how well Joe can handle horses but in the end he just got angry with me too.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

April 2, 1853 (aged 16)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I\u2019m getting more used to Mr. Sullivan. He thanked me for my help and invited me for dinner. Normally I would tell him I need to get home but today I accepted his invitation. Annie sat next to me and looked very proud, not sure about what.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

April 16, 1853 (aged 16)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Today Joe did something really big.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Pa and I were loading the wagon with some heavy crates on the alley behind the store when a woman holding a little girl around four years by the hand came around the corner. Little Joe was walking behind her. She asked Pa if the boy was his. I saw Pa was startled and suspicious but he nodded. Real unexpectedly the women grabbed his hand and shook it vigorously stammering, \u201cThank you for that boy, he just saved Daisy\u2019s life.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI only grabbed her, Ma\u2019am,\u201d Joe said, blushing and looking at Pa.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cHe grabbed her when that drunken rider was galloping down the street. Such an alert boy! She broke free of my hand and ran into the street.\u201d The mother looked sternly at her daughter, \u201cThat was very bad, you know!\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The little girl nodded contritely and you could see tears pooling in her eyes.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Joe\u2019s pleasure faded as he saw her desperate look. He knelt before her and said in a real big brother manner, \u201cPromise me and your ma, you will never run into the street without looking!\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

She bobbed her head eagerly beaming a relieved smile at Joe. When the girl nodded her mother gave Joe a big smile, too. She insisted on giving him a dollar and then they left, still smiling broadly.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Pa\u00a0 allowed Joe to get the hunting knife he never let him have before. Paying the rest of the bill Pa said that he knew he could trust a boy as responsible as Joe had become to handle the knife carefully.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

When I remember the smiles of that mother and daughter I wonder if Little Joe doesn\u2019t have too much charm for his own good.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

May 8, 1853 (aged 16)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Rosie has her foal, another colt \u2013 a black one. The birth was dangerous but Charlie and I managed it well. Because of his father the foal has a refined head but because of his mother he seems a bit chubby for a racehorse colt. We will see what he will become.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Pa allowed Joe to feed the Indian horses but from outside the corral. Whenever you look for him you will find him standing there.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

May 29, 1853 (aged 16)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Today I went back again\u00a0 to Annie\u2019s place. I had promised her father to help him repair the roof. The cabin looks real friendly now with its new paint and the brightly blooming flowers on the front side. After work I was sitting with Annie on the bench her father made recently, when her mother came outside and cut a bunch of flowers. Her father was next to the pump drying his hands with a towel. When Annie\u2019s mother was about to leave the yard her husband asked her where she was going.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cTaking Tommy some flowers,\u201d she answered and walked on.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWait a moment,\u201d he mumbled. \u201cI come with you.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Annie squeezed my hand and then called after her parents, \u201cTake your time, I \u00b4ll look after the children.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

And her parents didn’t come back until an hour later saying they had gone for a little walk and looking happier than I\u2019ve ever seen them.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

June 4, 1853 (aged 16)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Joe\u2019s birthday is near. He isn\u2019t the cute little boy anymore. He has grown a lot. He spends much time thinking up pranks, like exchanging the sugar and salt or putting frogs in the teacher\u2019s desk. Today I rescued the poor innocent frog Joe put in the kitchen cupboard while Hop Sing chased Joe waving his wooden spoon. It was funny seeing Hop Sing and Joe running around the table.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

June 4, 1853 (aged 16) two hours later<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Never laugh at a prankster. When I tried to put my head through the hole of my nightshirt I couldn\u2019t. While I was struggling I heard a giggle and running bare feet. The rascal had sewn the collar closed. But I pinned him in his bed and tickled him until he promised he would never do that to me again. I\u2019m sure he had crossed his fingers, besides he\u2019s sure to think up a lot of other pranks.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

June 12, 1853 (aged 16)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Joe\u2019s eleven now. I still remember the little boy who slept in my bed when he was afraid at night.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

That\u2019s long ago. I never told anyone but last summer I caught him and his friend Mitch sneaking out for a midnight ride. They were lucky I was the one who caught them! Thinking about that I knew what my birthday gift would be.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The big hug he gave me told me how delighted he was when I promised to take him and Mitch on an overnight trip for fishing and maybe hunting this summer.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

June 30, 1853 (aged 16)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Today I finished school. A year ago I would have hopped around like crazy but now it felt a bit odd. Not that I really liked school but it wasn\u2019t so bad anymore and having Annie there too made it a lot better. My last report card is the best I ever had and Pa and Joe looked proud when Miss Taylor gave it to me in the little ceremony we always have at the end of the school term.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

July 15, 1853 (aged 16)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I\u2019m not sure what has worn me more out: the haying or the weekend with Joe and Mitch. They didn\u2019t sleep more than two hours, what with Joe teaching Mitch the star constellations and then the pair of them scaring each other with horror stories until they were too afraid to fall asleep. They wound up sitting next to the fire pretending they really weren\u2019t sleepy. Joe\u2019s stories were so vivid I almost was scared myself when that branch cracked near our camp.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

August 2, 1853 (aged 16)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam will arrive in less than two weeks. It\u2019s incredible. First the four years didn\u2019t move and now it\u2019s all ending so quickly. Hop Sing aired and cleaned Adam\u2019s room and Pa is planning a big welcome party. I\u2019m looking forward to his arrival a little nervous, too. Maybe he is too educated for me now?<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

August 4, 1853 (aged 16)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Pa told me he wants to celebrate Adam\u2019s home coming and my birthday in a combined party. I was puzzled, it should be just Adam\u2019s party since he was so far away for so long and had graduated from college. We could celebrate my birthday with a dinner the way we always do. Just having a birthday isn\u2019t like doing something big, I said.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cErik,\u201d Pa said sternly and I flinched at the use of my given name. \u201cI would like to celebrate both my mature boys and show how proud I am of you both! When we slaughter the fatted calf I want to celebrate not just the son who\u2019s returning–and not as a prodigal, either!– but also the other one who helped me here and has grown into a mature young man of seventeen years.”<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

August 13, 1853 (aged 16)<\/p>\n

Dear Journ,<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Tomorrow afternoon after church the stagecoach with Adam will arrive. We\u2019ve cleaned\u00a0 the whole Ponderosa or at least the whole house, the yard, and the barn, already. Hop Sing prepared a lot of food and baked a cake. I shined my boots, my shirt is fresh and my suit is pressed. All is ready, I\u2019m so exited! I\u2019m sure I won’t sleep tonight!<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

August 14, 1853 (aged 16)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

He is back, he is back, he is back!<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

He looks fine and he isn\u2019t snobby after all. His hair is a bit longer and his face a bit more edged but that\u2019s normal: he is an adult now! But I will tell you right from the beginning.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

After church we sat in the International House drinking coffee and waiting for the stagecoach. Pa and I checked our pocket watches every five minutes and then the stage arrived 20 minutes early! Joe saw it first and we literally ran outside and over to the stop. From a distance, we saw a thick man emerge and then Adam, looking around him. When he saw us hurry towards the coach his smile got truly as big as his whole face and he also ran to meet us.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Pa spread his arms and Adam threw himself into the embrace. When I heard Pa whispering to him, \u201cWelcome back, my little big boy! I\u2019m so happy I have you back!\u201d I knew how worried Pa must have been that something would happen to his eldest son, because I haven\u2019t heard him call Adam his \u201clittle big boy\u201d in forever. It\u2019s a pet name from his childhood. I asked Pa about it once and he told me that when Adam was a toddler and got his first britches he insisted he was a big boy now and so it became his pet name, because for Pa he remained his little baby boy.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

After Pa it was my turn. Adam hugged me and then looking up to me he said, \u201cI surely can\u2019t carry you anymore, little brother. I thought you must be big by now but bigger than me? That\u2019s not right!\u201d He laughed and clapped me on my shoulder.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Then he turned to Joe, who stood there motionless only staring at Adam. \u201cBut you, I can still lift, Little Joe!\u201d And Adam started towards him. Joe took a step back. I thought about how Joe hates to be held or lifted and was relieved when Adam said, \u201cBut I won\u2019t. Hello, little buddy.\u201d Adam still seemed to want to hug him, but Joe held his hand out and said \u201cHowdy!\u201d so they shook hands formally. Adam\u2019s expression was a bit puzzled but he said nothing.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

In the evening Pa, Adam and I sat a long time together on the porch, even Hop Sing joined us for an hour. We drank a glass of whiskey and finally before we all went to our rooms Adam and Pa sang a little song\u00a0<\/em>together. It was Swedish and came from my ma. I feel younger now somehow.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

August 22, 1853 (aged 16)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

It\u2019s so good to have Adam here because now I have somebody to ask for advice.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I told Adam that I\u2019m a little afraid about the dance we will have at the big party. I\u2019m so unmusical and I surely will step on all the women’s feet. Adam asked why I thought that. \u201cBecause I can\u2019t sing,\u201d I answered. He shook his head. \u201dDancing has nothing to do with singing, Hoss. And if I know one thing it’s that you have a good feeling for rhythm. That\u2019s what you need for dancing. I\u2019ll teach you the steps and I\u2019m sure you will do just fine.\u201d So we practice each evening and it\u2019s fun. Joe looks very scornfully at us so we practice after his bedtime.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

August 31, 1853 (aged 16)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam\u2019s been back now for two weeks. I know it\u2019s hard for him that Joe reacts like he is a stranger. Even after Adam gave him new toys and a book he brought from Boston Joe is reserved. He avoids being touched by Adam and doesn\u2019t laugh when Adam tries to joke with him. I spoke with Joe about it. He shrugged and said, Adam speaks like books and teachers and he treats him like a little kid– even the toys were for smaller children.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

September 2, 1853 (aged 16)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Maybe today the barrier between Adam and Joe broke. Adam asked Joe if he wanted to come with him to the horse market at Carson City to look for a new horse for Adam. Joe couldn\u2019t resist seeing horses so he agreed.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Pa was upset when they came back long after dark and reprimanded Adam for being so late. Maybe that was the last straw. I saw them look at each other the way brothers do after getting a scold.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The tension didn\u2019t last long and during the dinner Joe and Adam chatted about the horses they had seen and especially about that chestnut gelding they had chosen for Adam – both of them with sparkling eyes.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

September 3, 1853 (aged 16)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I was a bit nervous when I rode to the Sullivans\u2019 to invite Annie to our party. I haven’t been there since Adam\u2019s arrival.\u00a0I was sure happy to see\u00a0Annie.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I told\u00a0the Sullivans\u00a0about our party and that I would be delighted if Annie could be my guest. Annie looked happy but when I said more about the party and that we will be having real music her face grew longer and longer. I didn\u00b4t understand. Then she turned saying she wouldn\u2019t come. I was startled and told her that the whole party would be dull for me without her. Suddenly she got up from the table and almost knocked down her chair as she ran to the door, crying that she didn’t have a dress for such a fancy party.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWait, Annie,\u201d her mother called. \u201cI won’t have my daughter not go to her first dance because she hasn\u2019t got a pretty dress! You know we have one.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Annie turned slowly and looked at her mother, surprised \u201cBut, mother, it\u2019s \u2026it\u2019s your dress made by your own mother.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cYes, and I would like to give it to my daughter now,\u201d her mother smiled. \u201cI just saw some nice ribbons in the store that would match perfectly. With a few changes and those ribbons you will have a dress that everyone else will envy you,\u201d she said. \u201cI think we can afford to buy Annie some ribbons?\u201d She looked questioningly at her husband who shrugged and then nodded.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

A happy smile spread across Annie\u2019s face as she thanked her parents. Her mother made a gesture in my direction and Annie, with laughing eyes, came over to me. \u201cThank you for the invitation, Mr. Cartwright, I accept it with great joy.\u201d And then she gave me a quick hug.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

September 9, 1853 (aged 17)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Now I\u2019m seventeen, I couldn\u2019t write yesterday, it was too late. I never had such a good day ever. Hop Sing had two cousins helping him with the food, even the hands in the bunkhouse got their share of it all. Besides Annie I invited Charlie\u2014at first he wanted to refuse but I insisted\u2014Mike and Jake and John. Pa had invited all the families we are friendly with and Roy Coffee and Doc Martin, but the doctor couldn\u2019t come. Joe was happy, too, because the Devlins were invited.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

At late afternoon I drove to the Sullivan\u2019s place to collect Annie. I gasped when I first saw her in that dress: she looked so elegant and grown up! When I helped her into the carriage Mr. Sullivan held my arm and said, \u201cI trust you with my st\u2026daughter, lad, bring her healthy and unscratched back or else \u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Her mother smiled at her and said, \u201cHave a good time!\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Both parents waved when we left the yard.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The party itself was great. Pa delivered a speech. Annie and I danced a lot together. The food was delicious and except for one trip to the punchbowl Joe and Mitch behaved. Adam danced with a lot of girls, even two times with Annie but I didn\u2019t like it very much.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

At midnight the party ended and I drove Annie back. I brought her back healthy and unscratched if you don\u2019t count a kiss or two.<\/em>\u00a0Yes, it was the best day ever!<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

September 16, 1853 (aged 17)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Yesterday morning Adam brought a parcel downstairs with him. It was a belated present for Joe\u2019s eleventh birthday, he said. In it were small leather chaps. Joe was exited but Pa was angry.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

After Joe left for school the storm broke loose. \u201cWhy should Joe need chaps?\u201d Pa asked in an ominous tone of voice.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cBecause he will help to break Cochise, the pinto,\u201d Adam said without a flinch.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

And then they argued. Loudly. I would never dare to speak that way to Pa. Adam told Pa that Joe was a natural with horses. And Pa asked how Adam could possibly know that. Adam answered because he could ride Sport – Adams new horse- without a saddle. Pa got furious and demanded why Adam had allowed Joe to ride as spirited a horse as Sport. Adam said, because his brother has inherited his horse sense from Marie.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cAnd her reckless way of riding,\u201d Pa said in a lower voice.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cMaybe. But you can’t keep a whale in a goldfish bowl, Pa. Once he gets free he would be real reckless looking for the ocean. Let him learn while we can supervise him. If he puts himself in danger I will handle that myself but he has to learn now,\u201d Adam answered.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Pa sighed and said, \u201cMaybe you are right, son, I can\u2019t hold him back from his nature. But I fear for him.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI know\u201d, Adam said. \u201cI do too!\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

After that Adam told Pa he would like to take me with him to the saloon next Saturday evening. Pa was about to refuse, saying I was only 17. When Adam took a big breath Pa threw up his arms and said,\u201cAll right, Adam, all right, but don\u2019t overdo it, sons. I expect you both home in a suitable condition for church on Sunday.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Pa glared from one of us to the other.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cYes, Sir!\u201d we answered in unison and looked at each other the way brothers do when they get permission for something they weren\u2019t sure they would.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Now I\u2019m dressed and looking forward to another real great evening!<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Being a big brother is fine but having one is better!<\/strong><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Disclaimer:\u00a0All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.<\/p>\n

<\/div>\n

<\/g><\/svg><\/i> \"Loading\"<\/p>\n

<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Summary: \u00a0Hoss’ Journal (1849-1853) During the four and a half years when Adam’s away at college, Hoss grows from a boy into a young man. In the process he learns a lot about big brothers, girls, love, and especially himself, but Joe and Adam are seldom far from his thoughts. <\/p>\n

Rated:\u00a0K+ \u00a0WC 25,500<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":114,"featured_media":14917,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"template-full-width-post.php","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[23,1008,30,40],"tags":[120],"class_list":["post-7322","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-drama","category-family","category-prequels","category-challenges","tag-citp","wpcat-23-id","wpcat-1008-id","wpcat-30-id","wpcat-40-id"],"a3_pvc":{"activated":true,"total_views":1130,"today_views":0},"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/04\/diary.jpg?fit=1280%2C960&ssl=1","jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":48090,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=48090","url_meta":{"origin":7322,"position":0},"title":"A Rose of Memories (by mo1427)","author":"mo1427","date":"May 2, 2025","format":false,"excerpt":"Summary: Hoss finds a special remembrance of his mother. A Mother's Day Story. Rating: G, Word Count: 852","rel":"","context":"In "Drama"","block_context":{"text":"Drama","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?cat=23"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/05\/Hoss.jpg?fit=640%2C480&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/05\/Hoss.jpg?fit=640%2C480&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/05\/Hoss.jpg?fit=640%2C480&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x"},"classes":[]},{"id":6455,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=6455","url_meta":{"origin":7322,"position":1},"title":"A Moment Before Leaving (by MissJudy)","author":"missjudy","date":"May 4, 2014","format":false,"excerpt":"Summary: \u00a0This\u00a0WHN for A Journey Remembered\u00a0looks at a \"missing page\" from the journal chronicling the journey West with Inger. After reading the story to Hoss while they waited for a horse to foal, Ben finds evidence of a page that was removed and remembers that it's kept with personal papers.\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Drama"","block_context":{"text":"Drama","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?cat=23"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/05\/Adams-English-Scenic2.jpg?fit=450%2C436&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":15653,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=15653","url_meta":{"origin":7322,"position":2},"title":"From the Murky Depths (by Hart4Ben)","author":"Hart4Ben","date":"March 18, 2017","format":false,"excerpt":"Summary:\u00a0While Ben is away on business, Adam is in charge of his two younger brothers. Predominantly a prequel. Rating: K+\u00a0 Word Count: 1001","rel":"","context":"In "Humor"","block_context":{"text":"Humor","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?cat=4"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/12\/steam.jpg?fit=306%2C202&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":6756,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=6756","url_meta":{"origin":7322,"position":3},"title":"The Crazy Lady (by Jayne)","author":"Jayne","date":"May 4, 2014","format":false,"excerpt":"Summary: \u00a0Joe and Hoss scare themselves one night, come to Adam's room and tell him the story of the crazy lady. 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