{"id":7434,"date":"2011-04-21T11:56:22","date_gmt":"2011-04-21T15:56:22","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=7434"},"modified":"2025-02-27T12:23:29","modified_gmt":"2025-02-27T17:23:29","slug":"the-wheels-of-fate","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=7434","title":{"rendered":"The Wheels of Fate (by slaine89)"},"content":{"rendered":"

Summary: \u00a0<\/span>In an alternate universe where Ben is dead and the boys grow up separated, will fate brings the Cartwrights back together once more?<\/p>\n

Rated:\u00a0 T (72,638 words)<\/p>\n

The Wheels of Fate Series:<\/strong><\/p>\n

The Wheels of Fate<\/a>
\nA Spoke in the Wheel: Joe’s Story<\/a><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The Wheels of Fate<\/strong><\/p>\n

Memories. They’re like an old injury that flares up just when you think you’ve gotten past it, usually right before a storm. He spun the cylinder of his gun and slipped the bullets in each slot with a metallic slither. He put the extra pullets into the loops on his belt and slung the leather contraption over the back of the hard wooden chair. He kept a hold of his gun though. The weight of it in his hand was reassuring, and he spun it around in a practiced maneuver that came without thinking. As he twirled the gun, his mind spun too, taking him out of his tiny hotel room in San Francisco. He aimed his gun and squeezed the trigger without cocking it, taking down an imaginary foe.<\/p>\n

Always in the present, never the past. It was how he’d lived for the past fourteen years. For him there was no future, no past, just the here and now, and whatever man he had to kill next.<\/p>\n

He slipped the gun back into the holster and stretched out on the flat bed. After spending nearly two weeks sleeping on the ground, he’d been looking forward to sleeping in a real bed, but this one made the ground seem comfortable. Still, he hadn’t really expected much. Cheap hotel rooms rarely included comfort in their cost, but ironically the fleas came for free. He kicked the blanket on the floor and lay on his back on the bare mattress, staring up at the cracked ceiling. The person sleeping above would probably come crashing down on top of him in the middle of the night. He closed his eyes. Outside, he could hear the sound of the rain that had welcomed him to the city still coming down. Adam welcomed the sound as it distracted his mind from images of the first time he’d come to San Francisco.<\/p>\n

It had been spring, no rain, just pure blue sky, clear and shiny as a lake. The only cloud around had been over him as he’d dismounted in front of a saloon that he was too young to go into. He’d gone anyway, needing the information and had gotten a black eye for his troubles. It had been the last time anyone had called him a kid though, at least the last time they had done it without learning just how wrong they were.<\/p>\n

He reached over and pulled his gun out of the holster without opening his eyes. The grips were smooth and fit into the grooves of his hand as if they were the mold from which the gun had been cast. He rubbed his thumb along the butt and concentrated on the pressure on his thumb from pushing down. Here and now. His thumb traced the edge, and he slowly exhaled. Memories were like snakes, poised and waiting to strike. The only chance was to stay frozen in place and wait for them to decide you weren’t a threat and move on. Just stay still and focus on the present until the past drifted back to the shadow it had emerged from.<\/p>\n

~*~<\/p>\n

It was still raining the next evening when he entered the saloon. The man he\u2019d been looking for was there, like he knew he\u2019d be. Adam took off his hat, ran his hand through his hair, and put it back on again. Then he sat down beside Carl Reynolds.<\/p>\n

Reynolds looked up from his drink and narrowed his eyes. \u201cSo the first of how many?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t count the men who are behind me, only the ones ahead of me.\u201d Adam answered. He motioned to the bartender, appearing relaxed, but every nerve was tense, waiting for Reynolds to make the first move.<\/p>\n

\u201cWell since you\u2019ve been tailing me the longest, I guess the honor is yours.\u201d Reynolds lifted his glass in a toast to him, but Adam knew that a viper was waiting to strike behind his nonchalance. \u201cHow long was it?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSince Billings.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cRight, Billings. Nice little town.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt was before you killed three people there.\u201d Adam said. He wondered how long Reynolds would draw the conversation out.<\/p>\n

\u201cSo,\u201d Reynolds tipped his chair back so that the front two legs hovered in the air. \u201chow do you want to do this?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYour poster says dead or alive. You pick.\u201d<\/p>\n

Reynolds laughed. Quicker than sight, he reached for his gun, but Adam was faster. Reynolds\u2019s gun fell to the floor and he gripped his right shoulder.<\/p>\n

\u201cNot bad.\u201d he spat.<\/p>\n

\u201cNo, not bad at all.\u201d Adam narrowed his eyes. Right handed holster, but he\u2019d been holding his drink with his left hand. Something wasn\u2019t right.<\/p>\n

Then he saw his left hand creeping toward the inside pocket of his vest. Instinct pulled the trigger before his mind could process anything, and Reynolds slumped forward as another gun clattered to the floor. Adam holstered his own gun.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou shouldn’t try a left-handed trick like that on me.\u201d he said to the dead body.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

A left handed man with a right handed holster. A left hand reaching for a hidden gun. The scene replayed in his head as he sat in the saloon nursing his drink. As he watched it again, the hand transformed from the calloused hand of an outlaw to the tiny hand of a three year old taking his own. He clenched his fist, able to feel the soft skin gripping around his finger. Another left hand.<\/p>\n

\u201cHorsey.\u201d The little hand tugged on his finger like a bellboy ringing. Large hazel eyes topped with curly brown hair silently begged him, and Adam hoisted his little brother up onto his back and crawled on hands and knees on the floor.<\/p>\n

Little Joe bounced on top of him, wanting him to go faster. Adam pretended to rear, catching his little brother just before he hit the floor and swinging him upside down. Little Joe screeched in delight.<\/p>\n

\u201cMore!\u201d he stamped when Adam put him down. Then the hand again \u2013 the left hand \u2013 tugging at his right one. The same hand that tugged at his that night. He hadn\u2019t known what was wrong, only that his older brothers were upset, and as Adam looked down into his trusting eyes, they filled with tears. He couldn\u2019t explain what had happened to him. Joe wouldn\u2019t understand. Just like he couldn\u2019t explain why he\u2019d left.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou’re a hard man to track down.\u201d A familiar voice brought Adam out of his thoughts. The interruption was welcome, but the man who sat next to him was not.<\/p>\n

\u201cThere’s a reason for that.\u201d Adam slid his gun, which he\u2019d automatically half drawn, back into the holster. He took one last swallow of his drink and stood up.<\/p>\n

\u201cLeaving so soon?\u201d the man asked. \u201cI was going to buy you a drink.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ll pass.\u201d Adam walked toward the door. The man stood and followed him. He was taller than Adam, with powerful hands that reminded him of a person from another life.<\/p>\n

\u201cI need you, Adam.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cFind someone else.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThere’s no one else. Name your price.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam stopped and a low laugh came from his throat. It was one the man was familiar with \u2013 ironic and tinged with bitterness, no real mirth in it. He couldn\u2019t ever remember hearing Adam laugh wholeheartedly without that trace of poison.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat could you possibly give me to convince me to work for you?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHow about a piece of land east of Lake Tahoe?\u201d the man asked slyly.<\/p>\n

Adam’s eyes narrowed. \u201cWhat makes you think I want that?\u201d his words were of a deadly tone that warned the man to tread lightly.<\/p>\n

\u201cThey’ve just hit a bonanza out there in the Comstock Lode. Miners are already moving out there to strike it rich, but I got there first and staked a claim on what used to be your ranch.\u201d He smiled tauntingly at Adam. \u201cYou shouldn\u2019t leave land unattended like that and expect it to stay the same. Especially when the government wants land in the Sierra Nevada settled so they can tax miners on the gold. You may not care what happens to your father’s land while it sits there untouched, but what happens now? Miners are like gophers, Adam. They’ll rip that land apart if I let them.\u201d<\/p>\n

He knew it was true. He had left the Ponderosa unspoiled, like a bride left by her groom. He could see it in his mind’s eyes despite his attempts to erase the memory: the tall trees like pillars stretching up to vaulted sky like the ceiling of a cathedral, the mountains framing the edges of the hills. And now it was threatened to be ravaged.<\/p>\n

He could walk away. His entire life had gone up in flames; he might as well let the last reminder burn as well. He turned to leave.<\/p>\n

\u201cI’ll give you until tomorrow night to think about it. I’m staying at the Hotel Americano, room thirty five.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI won’t change my mind, Bates.\u201d Adam said as he pushed through the swinging doors and stepped out into the twilight.<\/p>\n

~*~<\/p>\n

Adam leaned against the outside wall and watched the rain dribble off the roof into the street as he flipped a coin. Heads. He flipped it again. Tails. Then Heads. Since Bates had deprived him of his drink in the one saloon, he\u2019d moved across town to another, but he had only stayed inside for a few minutes before moving out into the damp night air. Too many people, too many questions, particularly coming from the saloon girl who had recognized him from his heroics earlier in the evening. He hadn\u2019t minded at first when she\u2019d sat down. She was pretty enough, and it was always nice talking to someone who didn\u2019t know anything about him. Then the questions had started.<\/p>\n

He caught the coin and glanced at it. Tails. He wouldn\u2019t go.<\/p>\n

\u201cJust how many men have you killed?\u201d she had slipped her limp white hand over his hardened arm.<\/p>\n

Adam flipped the coin again. Why did people think killing was something so great? Did it really make a person powerful, to be able to take someone\u2019s life?<\/p>\n

\u201cMore than I like to remember.\u201d He had answered, taking a sip of his drink. The quality wasn\u2019t as good as the other saloon.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019ve got some regrets then?\u201dshe\u2019d asked.<\/p>\n

Heads again. Adam glared at the coin. Best out of fifteen? He flipped it again and then tossed it into the street without looking at it.<\/p>\n

\u201cJust one.\u201d Either he\u2019d had enough whiskey in him to bring it up, or he\u2019d wanted to puzzle her into leaving him alone. Maybe both. \u201cI regret eating supper on April fifth, eighteen forty-five.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam pulled out another coin. Heads. He put it back in his pocket.<\/p>\n

She hadn\u2019t known what to say to that. So she\u2019d shrugged and changed the subject.<\/p>\n

\u201cI guess no regrets isn\u2019t a good thing. That Reynolds didn\u2019t seem to have any, and you did the world a service by killing him.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam had stood. \u201cI do not wish to kill or be killed, but I can foresee circumstances in which these things by me would be unavoidable.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSo why do you kill people then, if you don\u2019t like it?\u201d<\/p>\n

He hadn\u2019t expected her to recognize the quote, and she hadn\u2019t. Not many saloon girls read Thoreau. He\u2019d tossed down a couple of coins to cover the drinks and flipped one on the way out. It had been heads, so he\u2019d flipped again.<\/p>\n

One last job. How bad could it be? Adam shook his head, knowing the answer. He\u2019d ridden away from Bates and his jobs six years ago, swearing to never have anything to do with the man again. It was an oath similar to his thoughts when leaving the Ponderosa for the last time.<\/p>\n

The Ponderosa. Images, unbidden, came to his mind again. Adam pulled the coin back out and flipped it over his knuckles in an attempt to sweep them away.<\/p>\n

Even if he did the job, he couldn\u2019t go back. It would be impossible. There were too many memories \u2013 the driverless carriage being pulled into the yard by a horse half wild with terror, the dead bodies found on the road, bullets having splintered the life that had once been housed there, the charred remains of a house that used to be a home\u2026 no, he couldn\u2019t go back.<\/p>\n

\u201cThere are all sorts of different types of miracles in this life, Adam; you just have to look for them. Look around you right now, and you\u2019ll see one of them.\u201d<\/p>\n

They had been looking down over the lake after putting up some fences. Adam had inhaled the scent of spring and promise, and the vivid greens and blues had danced before his eyes. A miracle, unspoiled land that would provide for you as long as you took care of it and defended it. That\u2019s what his father had believed and what he had pointed out to Adam that afternoon.<\/p>\n

I can\u2019t, Pa. The coin bit into his palm as he gripped his hand around it, but he didn\u2019t notice. It was nothing compared to the empty gnawing in his chest. He couldn\u2019t go back. He just couldn\u2019t.\u00a0 But he couldn\u2019t pretend he didn\u2019t care either.<\/p>\n

He flipped the coin again.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

He stood outside the door, his arms unwilling to move. He could still walk away. But as the thought of leaving entered his mind, his arm finally decided to obey, and his fist rapped against the wooden door.<\/p>\n

\u201cSo you\u2019re in?\u201d Bates cut right to the chase when he answered Adam\u2019s knock.<\/p>\n

\u201cI want the whole six hundred thousand acres.\u201d Adam said. He still didn\u2019t know why. He had fooled himself into believing that he would just sell it to another rancher who would protect it from the miners even though he knew he never could.<\/p>\n

\u201cOf course.\u201d Bates stepped back to let Adam enter and crossed the room to pour a glass of brandy.<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd I’m not killing anyone.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou killed a man tonight.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYesterday. It’s three in the morning right now.\u201d Adam corrected.<\/p>\n

Bates shrugged to concede the point. \u201cI knew you\u2019d be around.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cReally.\u201d Adam crossed his arms and leaned against the wall. He felt too much like a fly creeping into spider\u2019s web to sit down.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou forget, I taught you everything you know. Ever since I found you on the street outside that saloon, what, twelve years ago?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cFourteen.\u201d Adam wanted to snap the word, but he kept his tone even and inwardly chafed at Bates\u2019s self-flattering.<\/p>\n

\u201cFourteen years.\u201d Bates lifted his glass in a wordless toast and took a sip. Adam shifted impatiently.<\/p>\n

\u201cThe reason I’m here?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHave a seat.\u201d Bates lit a cigar and took his own advice. Adam slid into a flowered chair. It wasn’t worth proving a point at the expense of his legs.<\/p>\n

\u201cSeveral months ago, I was involved in a little business project in Jacksonville, Oregon that resulted in some favorable returns to the tune of fifty thousand dollars. I hired a local boy, to keep an eye on it for me as it was coming down on the stage.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhy a local?\u201d Adam knew that Bates had dozens of hired guns at his beck and call that he could have chosen from.<\/p>\n

\u201cAfter you left I got a little more careful with who I trusted. A lot of my men knew what was in that satchel, so I wanted to hire someone who didn’t. The downside of that was that when the stage was robbed, he didn’t think it was worth his life to protect it. Stupid kid.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd I suppose if he had known, he would have gladly laid down his life for someone else’s money.\u201d Adam said drily. Bates glared at him.<\/p>\n

\u201cDon’t use that tone with me.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou don’t own me anymore, Bates.\u201d Adam reminded him. \u201cAs long as I do what you pay me for, I can talk to you anyway I want.\u201d<\/p>\n

Bates paused as if trying to decide if it was worth the argument. Then he waved a hand and moved on. \u201cThe boy disappeared, and he owes me money. All I want is for him to either pay up or work it off. Simple right?\u201d<\/p>\n

Nothing was simple with Bates, but Adam didn’t comment on this. Instead he waited, and Bates eventually continued.<\/p>\n

\u201cHe’s got a pretty powerful family, dangerous too. I don’t want you getting yourself killed.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou don’t want to lose your chance at getting fifty thousand dollars back.\u201d Adam corrected.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou just think I’m a cold hearted monster, don’t you?\u201d Bates shook his head. \u201cI did care about you, Adam. No one would have put up with you through as much as I did if I didn’t. So take my advice, and don’t let the family know what you’re up to. Make it nice and quiet.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam sat back in the chair, enjoying the softness of the fabric as he mulled the job in his mind, trying to unveil the intricacies.<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd you couldn’t get anyone else to do this.\u201d he finally said.<\/p>\n

Bates set his drink down and leaned forward to look Adam in the eyes. \u201cLet’s be realistic, Adam, you were my best man. I recognized the potential in you from the second I saw you fighting your way into a saloon to avenge your parents’ deaths. But it was raw potential, it needed nurturing. I shaped you; I made you into a man who could survive doing what you’ve been doing for the past eight years.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHow do you know what I’ve been doing?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou came here, and now a wanted man is dead by your gun. Coincidence?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI didn’t come here to kill him; I came here to bring him to justice. He picked the way he went.\u201d He was annoyed at his sudden need to justify himself. Yes, in his line of work he ended up bringing in his quarry more often dead than alive, but that didn’t mean he liked it or that it was his goal to single handedly clear the entire west of outlaws by his gun.<\/p>\n

\u201cLike it or not, Adam, you owe a lot to me.\u201d Bates said.<\/p>\n

Adam refused to give Bates the satisfaction of meeting his smug look with a glare. His face remained neutral, but inside he felt like a dog putting on a familiar chain. Well, he might have to endure it for a little while, but it wasn’t going to be a permanent addition. He reached for a pen and paper and began writing, ignoring Bates’ curious looks. When he’d finished, he handed the makeshift contract to Bates.<\/p>\n

\u201cIs there anything you want to add?\u201d His tone was cold.<\/p>\n

Bates scanned the document. \u201cIf you find out that I lied to you about any aspect of the job, you receive compensation without further services?\u201d he raised his eyebrows. \u201cI didn’t realize I’d taught you everything I know as well as everything you know.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI’ve learned quite a bit on my own.\u201d Adam’s voice was devoid of the friendly camaraderie that Bates had tried to inject into his. This was a business transaction, nothing more. If Bates wanted his dog back, he had another thing coming.<\/p>\n

Bates began to write, and Adam resisted the urge to try to read the paper upside down. \u201cI want this kept in the strictest confidence.\u201d Bates spoke as he scratched words onto the contract. \u201cIf you reveal to anyone information that might lead the Finch family to discover where their youngest son is before he finishes paying me off, this contract is null and void.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam put the paper in his pocket. \u201cWe’ll get this notarized at the sheriff’s office tomorrow, and I’ll be on my way. In the meantime do you have a room for me?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhere did you sleep last night?\u201d the first hint of hostility crept into Bates’ tone. Adam grinned slightly in response to it. Nice to know he could still get a rise from the man.<\/p>\n

\u201cI wasn’t working for you last night.\u201d he replied.<\/p>\n

~*~<\/p>\n

The details of the job replayed themselves in Adam’s head, but instead of hearing the words, all he heard was the tone and the voice that had guided him for most of his young adulthood. It was the same smooth but confident voice he’d first heard on the street outside the Bucking Bull saloon after having been thrown there by a couple of the bartender’s hired muscles.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou alright, kid?\u201d The voice had been soothing, laced with the appropriate amount of concern. Adam had looked up into a worried face under a top hat. He’d shrugged off the hand on his arm, more from anger at the bartender than at the unexpected source of help.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cFine.\u201d He’d stood.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cThat’s a nice shiner you’ve got there.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

He’d automatically reached up to touch his eye and wished that he hadn’t. His fingers had sparked a throbbing that traveled around his eyeball to the back of his skull.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cI’m fine.\u201d Adam looked back at the swinging doors that he’d come crashing through a moment ago. They’d stopped and stared when he’d walked through them, a fifteen year old trying to look tough, but they hadn’t challenged him \u2013 until he’d started asking questions.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cHarry Singer?\u201d The bartender had looked confused, but Adam saw through the act. \u201cNo, I don’t know anyone by that name.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

As he reflected from the street, Adam decided that grabbing the bartender by the collar hadn’t been the smartest move he could have made. He’d felt a pair of hands like iron jerk him backwards and up against the bar.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cEither order a drink, or leave, and since you’re too young to be drinking here, that only gives you one option.\u201d The man’s breath had smelled like onions, and his stubbly beard had traces of dirt in it. Adam had pulled his arm away angrily. What did he know about anything? He was old enough to bury his father and mother, wasn’t he?<\/em><\/p>\n

The wind had carried the chill of bones in the air as it rippled over the hills. Both Hoss and Little Joe were shivering in their jackets. Adam tightened the arm that was holding Joe and wrapped the other around Hoss, wishing he could say something to take away the chill that had settled into their hearts. As he gazed at the freshly mounded earth, his mind saw beneath it to the bodies housed in their wooden caskets. He wished he hadn’t seen them, hadn’t been the one to find the bodies on the road after they’d fallen dead out of the buggy because now he couldn’t erase the image from his mind. His Pa’s once strong arms had been limp, and his body had flopped heavily onto the wagon. There was nothing of the strength and life that had always supported Adam left. His mother’s face had been scratched from falling onto the road, her skin covered with tiny cuts that would never heal. Adam closed his eyes against the images.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cHoss,\u201d he’d knelt down in front of his brother after the funeral. \u201cI’ve got to do something, and I’ve got to go away for a while.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cLike Ma and Pa?\u201d Panic spread over Hoss’s round, usually cheerful face, and he gripped his brother’s arm.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cNo. Not like…\u201d For some reason the words wouldn’t come out of Adam’s throat. \u201cNot like them. I’ll be back; I promise. But I need you to take care of Little Joe while I’m gone.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

For some reason Hoss hadn’t asked why, and Adam had been grateful. His trusting eyes looking up at him, knowing his older brother would fix this somehow, made Adam meet the man’s hostile gaze steadily.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cI’m looking for someone.\u201d he said. \u201cHarry…\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cHarry Singer. He’s not here, and if I was you, I’d avoid him. He’d crush a little bug like you without thinking twice.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cI need to find him.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cHe’s not here!\u201d the bartender had had enough. \u201cJake, get him out of here.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

Jake reached for Adam’s arm, but Adam was quicker. He swung at Jake and managed to hit him in the nose. The next thing he was aware of was an explosion on his eyes that sent him flying backwards. Then he was flying through the air again, and this time he’d landed on the dimly lit San Francisco street with the saloon doors swinging apologetically behind him.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cSo what were you doing in there anyway?\u201d Bates had asked.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cLooking for someone.\u201d Adam barely registered the conversation; his mind was whirling with ways to get information. This had been the saloon his Pa had mentioned as being frequented by Singer; he knew it.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cHarry Singer.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

The name caught Adam’s attention like a gunshot. \u201cYes.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cWalk with me, son.\u201d Bates had reached to put an arm around Adam’s shoulders, but Adam had stiffened.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cDon’t call me son.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

A deal with the devil. Adam reflected. And the devil had a honey coated tongue. He hadn’t realized it until it had been too late then, but this time he was walking in with his eyes open. He\u2019d do the job, get what he wanted from Bates, and never see him again.<\/p>\n

Then what? Adam didn\u2019t know the answer. He would have his ranch back, the ranch that he and Pa had built out of nothing. And he wouldn\u2019t know a thing to do with it.<\/p>\n

Deal with it afterward. He told himself. The job comes first. Back to the here and now. Adam brought to mind an image of the young man he was going to find, Tom Finch. He\u2019d be reckless, someone to do things on the spur of the moment. And he had a family to back him up if Adam didn\u2019t move fast. Something akin to jealousy rose in Adam\u2019s throat, but he pushed it away along with thoughts of the job. He reached into his saddlebags and pulled out The Courtship of Miles Standish. As he read, his lips moved along with the lines, and his mind settled into the rhythm of the poetry, leaving the real world far behind.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The first thing Adam did the next morning was get a buckboard and a couple of horses. The way he saw it, the easiest way to get a person from Jacksonville Oregon to San Francisco California without anyone knowing was to stuff them in a trunk and forget they were there. After loading a man-sized trunk onto the buckboard, Adam reined in his horses in front of the sheriff’s office. Bates was waiting for him.<\/p>\n

\u201cNice rig.\u201d he said.<\/p>\n

\u201cI’ll be billing you for it.\u201d Adam answered as he jumped down.<\/p>\n

Bates caught on to his lack of desire to talk and kept silent as they signed the contract. But he couldn’t resist a little jab as Adam climbed back up into the driver’s seat.<\/p>\n

\u201cSo did you marry her?\u201d He asked. When Adam didn’t answer, Bates continued. \u201cThat pretty little thing that came between us?\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam stared at Bates for a minute, and an image came to mind of his fist landing squarely in Bates’ face. Someday, not today, but someday, Bates was going to pay through the nose. For everything.<\/p>\n

\u201cI’m sure if you take my job into consideration you’ll come to a conclusion about that.\u201d He finally said. He flicked the reins to the horses and the buckboard lurched forward.<\/p>\n

Bates didn’t know it, but he’d struck a nerve. Or maybe he did know it.<\/p>\n

Leah. The name was more powerful than a blast of hot air that stirred up a whirlwind of images and emotions. He could still see her now as clearly as the day she’d left. Her eyes had been so vacant then, a stark contrast to how they usually were, how they’d been for almost five months. Warm, deep, and trusting, with a spark of mischief. He could lose himself in those brown eyes and drink them in like a man dying of thirst.<\/p>\n

\u201cI could stay here like this forever.\u201d She had once said.<\/em><\/p>\n

They had been lying on their backs near the river and looking up at the clouds that were migrating across a clear blue sky. Her head was on his chest, and when he breathed in, the soft scent of her hair intermingled with the scent of spring grass.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cI know what you mean.\u201d Adam answered in a dreamy tone. He cherished these moments that were few and far in between, moments when for a while, with his arms full of angel, he felt completely at peace. He hoped she wouldn’t bring up the fact that soon his work here for Bates would be done, and he’d have to move on. The thought was a chip in the glassy peacefulness of the moment, and he pushed it aside.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cThat cloud kind of looks like a bull.\u201d Leah said, pointing upward. \u201cSee the horns?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

Adam frowned and didn’t answer, and she glanced up at him.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cWhat?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cNothing.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cWhat is it?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cNothing.\u201d The word was harsher than he meant it to be. \u201cI just don’t like cows.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

Leah was silent for several moments, and he knew that this time he’d been the one to shatter the moment.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cWhy do you do this?\u201d she finally asked.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cDo you want me to tell you why I don’t like cows?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cNo, I want you to stop withdrawing into your head and slamming the door in my face. We’ve been together for months, and you’ve barely told me anything about yourself.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

Adam took a deep breath. Where to begin untangling the massive knot of hurts and mistakes that was his past?<\/em><\/p>\n

Leah seemed to sense his reluctance. \u201cYou don’t have to…\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cYou’re right.\u201d he said. \u201cAsk me anything.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

She had paused to consider the man who her heart understood even if her head didn’t. There was nothing she needed to know about him, but one thing that was always at the back of her mind troubling her.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cWhy do you work for Sam Bates?\u201d she finally asked.<\/em><\/p>\n

It was a question that he’d asked himself constantly over the years. The question he had had a feeling she would ask, but it had still caught him off guard. He’d been glad he couldn’t look into her eyes from the angle he was at; somehow he needed the privacy to think without her gaze boring into him.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cHe helped me out.\u201d he had finally said. \u201cAfter I lost my family.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

For a moment the only sound that could be heard was the cheerful river rushing by, unaware of the somber conversation taking place on its banks. When Leah spoke, her words were soft and tentative.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cHow old were you?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cFifteen.\u201d Between hay and grass. Old enough to kill the man who killed your Pa, not old enough to foresee or understand the consequences.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cHow did it happen?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cPa had been gone for a week in San Francisco. When he came back, there was something on his mind, but he wouldn’t tell me what.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

He still remembered the conversation he’d overheard, still remembered the thoughtful worry in his Pa’s voice as he spoke the name that had changed Adam’s life. Harry Singer.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cHe’d run into some trouble, and he was worried the man might try something stupid. He never told me what kind of trouble. Never got the chance. He and my ma were killed one day while coming back from town. Shot down like animals.\u201d Adam’s voice had dwindled to a low murmur, and his eyes no longer saw the carefree clouds. Instead they traveled the road of memories. He didn’t even notice that Leah had sat up and was staring at him worriedly.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cAnd then?\u201d she prompted.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cI went after the man who’d done it. Bates helped me find him.\u201d Adam couldn’t move his head sideways to meet her stare. He was trapped in a world of his own making and seeing it all over again. Singer had been three shots in when he’d found him, but he’d still been sober enough to knock Adam off his feet. Singer had gone back to his drink, but Adam hadn’t stayed down. He’d cocked his gun, his Pa’s gun, and had coolly informed Singer that they were going to the sheriff’s. He hadn’t been a killer then. Not yet. He’d still been an illusioned boy on a quest for justice.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cI killed him.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

Singer had gone for his gun. He hadn’t thought Adam had it in him. Adam stood and turned away from Leah, reliving the moment as if it was happening all over again. His finger on the trigger… just a twitch was all it took. One twitch and in a second thirty years of life was snuffed out just as easily as if it had been a candle. But that wasn’t what had scared him and made him drop the gun onto the saloon floor.<\/em><\/p>\n

His lips tried to form the words, but they wouldn’t come out. He felt arms around him and knew he couldn’t tell her what he’d felt that day. Or rather what he hadn’t felt.<\/em><\/p>\n

There was no regret. He couldn’t feel regret as he stared at the dead man at his feet because somehow he couldn’t see him as a man. All he could see were two fresh graves. Now there would be three, and only one of them was deserving.<\/em><\/p>\n

He’d bent to pick up his gun, and Bates had stepped forward.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cDon’t worry, Adam. You did what you had to do. He was going for his gun.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cI… I’m glad he did.\u201d As he realized the emotion he had to admit it to someone.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cAnyone would feel the same.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cMy Pa wouldn’t.\u201d But he wasn’t sure. How could he be? It wasn’t like he could ask him. He’d glanced back at the body, and regret finally flooded through him, but it was only regret that this had had to happen, and that his Pa wasn’t there to explain what he was feeling to him.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cI’m sorry, Adam.\u201d Leah’s voice pulled him out of his mind like a rope. He had leaned against her and breathed her in, letting the scent of her skin chase the memories away.<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

He dreamed of her that night. Her hands on his neck, her breath on his cheek. But when he reached out for her, his arms met with cold emptiness. Her image was gone; her voice lingered for a second longer.<\/p>\n

\u201cI don’t blame you, Adam.\u201d she said.<\/p>\n

He opened his eyes.<\/p>\n

\u201cI do.\u201d the words came out as barely a whisper. He blamed himself for everything: her brother’s death, the death of his own brothers\u2026 everything. And it seemed to only way to ease his guilt over those he blamed himself for killing was by killing more.<\/p>\n

Adam got up and stirred the ashes of his fire with a stick. The blackened charcoal tinged with red made him think of how it had been the day he\u2019d returned from San Francisco. Fire was a funny thing. It could reduce a house that had taken months of labor to build into a pile of coal just as easily as if it were nothing more than firewood.<\/p>\n

He had helped his Pa build that house. Of course he hadn\u2019t been able to do much, but he\u2019d been a shadow every step of the way. And when it was done, he had stepped back and put his hands on his hips just as if he had built it single handedly.<\/p>\n

\u201cHave you ever seen a finer looking house, Adam?\u201d Pa had asked, putting his hand on his young son\u2019s shoulder.<\/p>\n

He hadn\u2019t, and he didn\u2019t think he ever would. But it wasn\u2019t the burning of the house that had left him feeling guiltily hollow. It was the burning of the lives inside. The lives that had depended on him to protect them now that Pa was gone. He had promised he\u2019d be back, only he\u2019d come back too late.<\/p>\n

Too late to do anything. Too late to save the house or anyone inside.<\/p>\n

\u201cThere wasn\u2019t anything you could have done, Adam.\u201d<\/p>\n

How many different people had told him that in the space of the few short hours he was there? And each time they said it, the same question flickered back into his mind.<\/p>\n

How do you know?<\/p>\n

If only he had been there.<\/p>\n

He watched a tiny flame lick its way around the edge of a piece of wood and wondered what it would be like to have that flame eating away at his flesh. He shivered and rubbed his arms at the thought.<\/p>\n

It should have been me. I was the one who did the killing. Not Hoss. Not Joe. They were innocent.<\/p>\n

Why was it always the innocent ones who died?<\/p>\n

\u201cLife\u2019s not fair, Adam.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

Bates\u2019s voice was there again, in his head, smooth at butter.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cYou just have to make the most of it.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cI guess.\u201d Adam had run his hands over the grips of his Pa\u2019s gun. It seemed like the only tangible link between them now. And what a poor one it was.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cYou headed home now?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cYeah. I\u2019ve got two brothers that need me. Thanks for your help.\u201d Adam held out his hand.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cYou sure you don\u2019t want to reconsider my offer?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

He\u2019d offered Adam a job. Adam still didn\u2019t know why. He didn\u2019t really care either. It wasn\u2019t that he wasn\u2019t grateful; it just didn\u2019t make a difference. His place was with his brothers. They would need him more than ever now. He shook his head.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cThanks though.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cWell, if you change your mind, you let me know.\u201d Bates shook his hand.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cI will.\u201d Adam had turned to go when Bates reached out a hand to stop him.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cYou sure you want to go back now? You\u2019re liable to fall off your horse what with how tired you look.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ll be alright.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

Bates studied him for a moment. \u201cI guess I can\u2019t convince you to get a good night\u2019s rest. How about supper though? What are a few hours? Especially if it\u2019ll keep you in the saddle. You\u2019ve got a long trip ahead of you.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

Adam hesitated, but he knew Bates was right. A few hours couldn\u2019t make that much of a difference.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cNot that much of a difference at all.\u201d He muttered. Instead of coming home to his home and brothers, he\u2019d come home to ashes and two more losses.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cI thought I\u2019d put out the fire in the stove, Adam. I\u2019m so sorry.\u201d Mrs. Halloway, the neighbor who had been staying with Hoss and Joe had been practically hysterical. Adam had looked at her and didn\u2019t feel anything. No anger, no pity, no sorrow, nothing. Just numbness.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s not your fault.\u201d He had mumbled. Then he\u2019d put on his hat and rode back the way he had come. The numbness didn\u2019t wear off until he was back in San Francisco, knocking on a familiar hotel door and hoping he hadn\u2019t checked out yet. When the door opened, Adam had nearly collapsed inside. He hadn\u2019t cried when he\u2019d found the bodies of his mother and father on the road, or when he\u2019d buried them, or even when he\u2019d stood in front of his burnt down house, but now the tears had been building up, and he couldn’t hold them back anymore.<\/em><\/p>\n

Adam glared at the coals and wished it had been anyone else that night that had helped him to the sofa as he\u2019d given way to pain and exhaustion. Anyone except Bates. He stirred the coals again and watched a couple of solitary sparks leap upwards as if they were trying to become stars.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou can only go forward in life. Some people never realize that and spend their whole lives trying to go the other way.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam stirred the coals again. Sometimes it\u2019s easier to try to go back than to go forwards, Pa.<\/p>\n

~*~<\/p>\n

When he finally pulled into Jacksonville, Adam reined in the wagon in front of the general store. He considered going inside and running up Bates\u2019s bill, but he didn\u2019t want a lot of excess supplies slowing him down. Instead he jumped lightly down and drifted down the street with one of Bates\u2019 early lessons echoing in his head.<\/p>\n

\u201cI always like to snoop around a bit every time I go to a new town. You can learn anything you need to know just by watching people.\u201d<\/p>\n

Observation had been hammered into him by Bates over and over again, observation and knowledge. There was no such thing as useless information. It was one of Bates\u2019s sayings that Adam liked to quote back to him whenever Bates harangued him for reading so much. Bates would only snort.<\/p>\n

\u201cI meant practical information about the matter at hand, not some glorified scribbler\u2019s thoughts on the meaning of life.\u201d He had said once.<\/em><\/p>\n

Ordinarily Adam would have shrugged it off, but as he stared at the white pages, he had been unable to get his Pa\u2019s voice out of his head. It was the voice that had read to him ever night before bed, even before he was able to understand what the words meant. He\u2019d shut the book and then felt a hand on his shoulder.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s a rough world, Adam. I don\u2019t want you getting killed because your nose is buried in a book, that\u2019s all.\u201d All sharpness was gone from his tone. Bates might have asked Adam what was on his mind, but he knew the answer, and Adam had made it a habit of avoiding talking about his family. So he\u2019d let the matter fall into silence and changed the subject.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cJust make sure you\u2019re aware of your surroundings. All the time.\u201d He had said.<\/em><\/p>\n

It was a habit now to glance back and forth casually under the brim of his black hat as he walked now, that and to strain his ears to listen behind him as his eyes flickered in front. Another habit brought him in front of the sheriff\u2019s office and forced him to stop and glance at the wanted posters. After studying the pictures, he continued to walk. Maybe once he owned the Ponderosa again he could leave that life behind.<\/p>\n

The sound of cheering caught his attention, and he followed the noise down another street to where a large crowd was gathered. A temporary corral was set up, and inside it a young cowboy was trying to ride a dappled horse. The horse was having none of it though, and after a few scornful bucks, the boy landed in the dust. The crowd cheered again as the cowboy got to his feet.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat\u2019s going on here?\u201d Adam asked as several men moved to catch the horse.<\/p>\n

\u201cBrand Taggart always likes to bring in some of his young stock and let the local boys try their hands at \u2018em.\u201d One of the crowd members answered. \u201cIt saves him from having to hire anyone to break \u2018em, and it\u2019s good entertainment for the rest of us.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd what do the boys get? I mean besides bumps and bruises?\u201d Adam asked dryly.<\/p>\n

\u201cBragging rights. To be young again, hey?\u201d the man clapped Adam on the shoulder, and Adam stared at the man who couldn\u2019t be younger that forty. He didn\u2019t look that old, did he?<\/p>\n

\u201cDo we have any other takers?\u201d A man, presumably Brand Taggart, called out to the crowd. \u201cThis old knucklehead has already had four riders; he can\u2019t have much more fight in him.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam was tempted, but he was beat by a voice from the front of the crowd.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ll show you how it\u2019s done.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam could only see the back of his head as he climbed over the fence, but he had to grin at the young man\u2019s cocky gait.<\/p>\n

\u201cThis should be interesting.\u201d He hooked his thumbs in his gun belt and rocked back on his heels as he watched the boy climb up onto the rail and down onto the dapple. He settled into the saddle and nodded to Taggart.<\/p>\n

As Taggart pulled the gate open, the dapple sprang forward with all four feet in the air. The young man moved with the horse as easily as if they were one creature. Adam frowned as he caught sight if his face; there was something vaguely familiar about him, but he couldn\u2019t place it. Then the horse spun, and the moment of familiarity was gone.<\/p>\n

As the horse bucked and wheeled, the rider moved on top like a flame on a candle, always upright, never off balance no matter which way the candle was turned. It was almost like watching a dance, Adam decided. Finally the horse had enough. He threw in one last buck, more as a protest than in an attempt to get the rider off, and then stood still, breathing heavily. The rider leapt lightly to the ground as the crowd broke into applause. Adam joined them.<\/p>\n

\u201cNot bad.\u201d He admitted. Then he turned and went back to his exploration of the town.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cNot bad riding, Joe. Not bad at all.\u201d A hand slapped Joe on the shoulder.<\/p>\n

\u201cYeah, where\u2019d you learn to ride like that anyway?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI taught myself.\u201d Joe grinned cockily up at Carl Finch, the one who had taught him everything he knew about horse breaking.<\/p>\n

\u201cKeep that up and you\u2019ll be buying your own beer.\u201d Carl gave him a push.<\/p>\n

\u201cLeave, the kid alone, Carl.\u201d Carl\u2019s younger brother Jesse said. \u201cBesides, we don\u2019t have time. Pa wants us back with that paint so we can finish fixing the back porch before supper.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDon\u2019t know why I got stuck with that job.\u201d Carl muttered. \u201cIt wasn\u2019t even me that broke the railing.\u201d He glared at Joe.<\/p>\n

\u201cWell it wasn\u2019t me.\u201d Joe said innocently. Then he ducked Carl\u2019s fist.<\/p>\n

\u201cCome on, I just whipped that fire snorting beast. That deserves a drink.\u201d He said.<\/p>\n

\u201cHe\u2019d already had four riders.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cFour riders that didn\u2019t amount to anything.\u201d Now it was Jesse \u2013 one of the four riders \u2013 who took a swing at him. \u201cAlright!\u201d Joe raised his hands in defeat. \u201cWe\u2019ll get the supplies and get back. Your Pa probably thinks you\u2019ve been bushwhacked by now anyway.\u201d Even as he said it, Joe knew it wasn\u2019t likely. Gabriel Finch rarely paid much attention to his sons\u2019 comings and goings as long as they kept any trouble they\u2019d gotten into \u2013 like flying through a porch railing, for example \u2013 away from his attention. It was an arrangement Joe, along with all three of the Finch boys, were more than comfortable with. But they also knew what would happen if they did manage to draw Mr. Finch\u2019s attention because of something unpleasant.<\/p>\n

\u201cYeah, we\u2019ve been gone all afternoon.\u201d Jesse led the way back to the wagon, and Joe jumped onto the back while Carl and his brother climbed up front. He settled himself against a sack of grain and braced himself for the lurching of the wagon.<\/p>\n

\u201cHey boys! Hold up a minute!\u201d Taggart waved a hand in the air.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat does he want?\u201d Jesse muttered.<\/p>\n

\u201cHe\u2019ll probably offer our young bronc rider here a job. Again.\u201d Carl said. Joe rolled his eyes. He didn\u2019t doubt it.<\/p>\n

\u201cMr. Taggart?\u201d Joe stood in the wagon.<\/p>\n

\u201cThat was some good riding today.\u201d Taggart paused to catch his breath. \u201cWhen are you gonna put that riding to use and come work for me?\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe glanced at Carl in time to catch an \u2018I told you so\u2019 look.<\/p>\n

\u201cSorry, Mr. Taggart. I already gave you my answer.\u201d He nearly fell forward onto the man as Jesse flicked the reins at the horses and they started moving. He recovered in time to wave. \u201cSee you in church.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSince when do you go to church?\u201d Jesse laughed.<\/p>\n

\u201cSince when is it smart to start a wagon moving when someone\u2019s standing on the end of it?\u201d Joe snapped. But he was grateful. It wasn\u2019t that he didn\u2019t like Taggart; he just couldn\u2019t work for him. It didn\u2019t matter that the man was sober on Sunday; he was always drunk on Saturday, which made Joe shy away from him. He\u2019d had enough of drunks to last him a lifetime.<\/p>\n

Jesse pulled the wagon up in front of a spacious two story house, and Joe jumped down and reached for the paint. The sound of a hammer could be heard from the other side of the house.<\/p>\n

\u201cHow\u2019s it coming?\u201d Joe asked as he rounded the corner. The young man nailing the railing together paused.<\/p>\n

\u201cAlmost done. You got the paint?\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe raised the paint bucket.<\/p>\n

\u201cAbout time.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cTaggart had some of his colts in town.\u201d Joe leaned against a piece of intact railing.<\/p>\n

\u201cHe would.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou drew the short straw.\u201d Joe couldn\u2019t keep a gloat out of his voice. Tom wouldn\u2019t have been able to ride the dapple anyway. While he liked to pretend he was just as good of a rider, Joe knew he couldn\u2019t hold a candle to him.<\/p>\n

Tom shot him a glare through his light blue eyes that always made Joe think of ice. \u201cNext time you can stay here and fix the porch rail. You were the one who broke it.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou were the one who pushed me.\u201d Joe reminded him.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou hit me first.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou swung at me first. Just because you missed doesn\u2019t mean you didn\u2019t start it.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI missed on purpose.\u201d Tom stepped back after he finished pounding in the last nail. \u201cI\u2019m done my part. Now you can paint it.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI have two brushes.\u201d Joe tossed him one and went to work with the other. For a while the only sounds were the distant sounds of horses from the barn and Tom\u2019s mother inside, singing as she made supper.<\/p>\n

\u201cDid Taggart try to get you to work for him again?\u201d Tom asked finally.<\/p>\n

\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI told him no.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI still don\u2019t know why. He pays well, and it\u2019s not like you owe us that much loyalty. All we did was give you a job.\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe didn\u2019t answer. He could still feel the empty ache in his stomach that he\u2019d felt the day he\u2019d walked into town two years ago. It had been an ache from hunger and from hopelessness. No one wanted to hire a kid to do a man\u2019s job.<\/p>\n

\u201cThere\u2019s always an opportunity at the mines.\u201d One rancher had told him.<\/p>\n

\u201cThanks.\u201d Joe had said it with no intention of following up on the lead. He couldn\u2019t go back to mining work. He\u2019d rather starve. And it had looked like there was a good chance of that when he\u2019d walked into Jacksonville. He owed the Finches more than they realized and more than he\u2019d ever let on.<\/p>\n

\u201cGuess I\u2019ll be heading over to the bunk house.\u201d Joe said when they\u2019d finished painting.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019re not eating here?\u201d Tom asked.<\/p>\n

\u201cNo.\u201d The memories had left him moody, and he didn\u2019t want to be around people tonight, especially not the Finches. There were times when he was with them that he felt like part of the family, and they had always tried to make him feel that way ever since Mrs. Finch had decided he was a growing boy that needed a little extra care, but he knew that tonight he\u2019d just feel like an outsider trying to fit where he didn\u2019t belong and it would only put him in a worse mood. He put the paint in the barn and then, instead of joining the rest of the hands for supper, he saddled up a horse and rode away from the Finch\u2019s.<\/p>\n

~*~<\/p>\n

Adam had missed his chance to get Tom Finch that day because he\u2019d arrived in the town so late in the afternoon. Most people would attempt what he was planning on doing at night so that they would have a head start, but Adam didn\u2019t see it that way. If he took Finch in the late afternoon, he\u2019d have several hours head start because no one would start looking for Finch until evening, and then they wouldn\u2019t be able to follow any trial he left after dark. That meant a day of waiting around in his hotel room though since he didn\u2019t want to draw attention to himself. He\u2019d dozed a bit when he\u2019d first gotten into his room, but then after eating the supper he\u2019d had brought up, he went out and across to the saloon. He had to poke his head out long enough to learn where to find Finch.<\/p>\n

The saloon drew him like a fish to bait. If there was one place to get information, it was there behind the swinging doors amidst the sounds of men\u2019s laughter and glasses clinking on the smooth wooden car. Adam walked up to the doors but paused before pushing through. Something had caught the attention of his ears. He stepped back away from the noise streaming from inside and listened. A feminine voice was crying out. Adam spun and swiftly rounded the corner of the saloon into the alley.<\/p>\n

\u201cStop it! Please!\u201d a saloon girl was pressed up against the wall while a cowboy, clearly drunk, blocked her attempts to slide away. His one hand was locked onto her pale white arm.<\/p>\n

Adam grabbed his shoulder and sent a fist into his face. The cowboy went down and then was up in an instant.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat do you think you\u2019re doing?\u201d he spat. \u201cMind your own business.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou don\u2019t treat women like that.\u201d Adam said. He punched the man in the stomach.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2026 can\u2019t\u2026\u201d the cowboy gasped for breath as he tried to finish his sentence.<\/p>\n

\u201cThank you.\u201d The girl smoothed down her silky dress with a slight rustling sound.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt was my pleasure.\u201d Adam offered his arm, and she took it. The sound of a click triggered him into action, and he shoved the girl aside and drew his gun as he spun around. He ducked as he shot and the cowboy dropped his gun, clutching his arm.<\/p>\n

\u201cThat wasn\u2019t very smart.\u201d Adam muttered.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat\u2019s going on?\u201d the gunshot had drawn several people, one of whom was wearing a tin badge. Adam grimaced and was glad he\u2019d shot to wound. It had taken a slight flick to the side with his gun right before he\u2019d shot, as habit had pointed the barrel at the man\u2019s heart.<\/p>\n

\u201cThis man was just helping me.\u201d The saloon girl said to the sheriff.<\/p>\n

The sheriff studied Adam and then nodded. \u201cAlright, light a shuck.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam took the girl\u2019s arm again and walked past without a word. Sheriffs had always seemed a little hypocritical to him. They always looked at him with eyes rimmed with loathing whenever he\u2019d turn in a body or a prisoner to get the money, as if he was some animal that enjoyed profiteering off another person. Except for the ones who had been hunters themselves in their younger days. Then it was a nod, and a silent acknowledgment of an ugly but necessary job that gave you nightmares instead of thanks.<\/p>\n

\u201cDrink\u2019s on the house.\u201d The girl pulled him out of his thoughts as she sat him down inside the saloon.<\/p>\n

\u201cI thought I was supposed to buy you the drink.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou can buy the next one.\u201d She set down a bottle of whiskey in front of them, and Adam poured two shots.<\/p>\n

\u201cSo who was that fellow?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cJust one of the Finch boys.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cFinch?\u201d Adam pretended nonchalance.<\/p>\n

\u201cThe oldest one.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHow many are there?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThree. Carl, Jesse, and Tom.\u201d<\/p>\n

So Tom\u2019s the youngest. Adam noted.<\/p>\n

\u201cThe boys can get a little wild sometimes. They think they\u2019re something with their Pa owning nearly all the lumber rights within three days ride.\u201d She shrugged. \u201cCarl in particular likes to act like he\u2019s paying girls a favor by letting them talk to him.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDo they live in town?\u201d Adam asked.<\/p>\n

\u201cAbout ten miles north in more like a castle than a house. Why?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m in the lumber business and I thought I\u2019d drop in.\u201d Adam said. He downed his shot and dropped a coin on the table. Now that he had his information, there was no point in sticking around.<\/p>\n

\u201cI told you, it\u2019s on the house.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s alright.\u201d Adam put his hat on and stepped outside.<\/p>\n

It was twilight, not too much longer and it would be completely dark, which meant most people would be inside, and his chance of catching a glimpse of Tom Finch was gone. But that didn\u2019t mean he couldn\u2019t go have a look around. He went over to the livery stable and hitched up the horses to the wagon himself instead of saddling his riding horse. He didn\u2019t want to miss an opportunity just because he didn\u2019t have the wagon with him. He left the wagon hidden in the trees by the road and crept up to the house.<\/p>\n

There were a few lights on, and Adam slid along the outside wall to one of the lighted windows. The dark covered him like a cloak, and his ears were straining to catch the sound of anyone approaching. His hand settled onto his gun, and his fingers casually looped around the handle in a relaxed but watchful position. He listened outside the window, but no sounds came out. Adam carefully raised his eyes and peered in. He was looking at an empty hallway. He moved on to the next window. Before he even stopped, he could hear voices coming from inside, like the murmurings of a creek. He pressed his face closer and listened. He could just make out a deep voice, but he couldn\u2019t catch any words. He hesitated, trying to decide if he should risk a look. Then he slowly brought his head up and just as slowly brought it back down. No sudden movements here.<\/p>\n

There had been three men sitting by the fireplace, all with the same fair hair that Carl Finch had, only one had some streaks of grey through it. The other two looked younger than Carl. A father and his two sons. Adam closed his eyes, suddenly overwhelmed by treacherous jealousy that stabbed him like a knife and made him catch his breath. It hadn\u2019t been so long ago that he could have been in that scene with his father telling him about the plans for the next day and with his little brother playing with a pup that had followed him home. His mother would be in the rocking chair he and Pa had made for her last Christmas, and she would be holding a little one who couldn\u2019t keep his eyes open, but he was trying anyway because he didn\u2019t want to have to go to bed quite yet. He inhaled and could almost smell the smoke from the fireplace then, like smoke, he let the image disappear. He took one last peek inside and studied the face of the youngest son then he crept away from the house and vanished into the night.<\/p>\n

~*~<\/p>\n

\u201cWho was that, Vicki?\u201d Joe slid into a seat beside his favorite saloon girl in time to see her watch another man leave. Joe couldn\u2019t see his face, but something in the way he carried himself made Joe curious. He walked as if he had some veiled strength that only needed the right trigger to break loose.<\/p>\n

\u201cSome man who bought me a drink.\u201d She indicated the mostly full bottle.<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd he walked away from someone like you after the first shot?\u201d Joe grinned and scooted closer.<\/p>\n

\u201cHe was asking about the Finch\u2019s; I guess he had business there. Weren\u2019t you in town earlier, Joe? What\u2019d you come back for?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cMaybe I came back to see you.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHmm.\u201d She poured a shot, and Joe gladly swallowed it, welcoming the distracting tingling that began in his chest and worked its way through his body until it settled in his toes and fingers. Vicki put the bottle down, and Joe winced at the wooden clink.<\/p>\n

Bottles slamming against wood. Then bottles shattered against bottles in a high pitched ringing that twisted his stomach. Broken glass littered the floor. If there was one thing he liked better than emptying a bottle of whiskey it was smashing it once the liquor was gone, usually by throwing it against the wall while raging at Joe. Joe had learned how to duck before he\u2019d learned his letters and numbers. He\u2019d also learned to read the levels of drunkenness and to know when to ignore, when to hide, and when to talk back. It was something she\u2019d never learned, even though she was married to him. Instead she\u2019d scream while he would swear and holler back and break more bottles. She would swear too, only in Spanish instead of English.<\/p>\n

\u201cTwo dollars? Two dollars to get us through the rest of the month? Culo!\u201d she spit. \u201cHow am I supposed to feed myself and the boy?\u201d<\/p>\n

Another bottle splintered to pieces. \u201cYou\u2019re both worthless anyway.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019re the worthless one! Vete al inferno!\u201d<\/p>\n

She shrieked as the back of his hand lazily collided with her face. It had a drunken weight behind it, and it sent her backwards into a chair.<\/p>\n

Joe didn\u2019t look up. Sometimes if he didn\u2019t move they didn\u2019t realize he was there. He held his breath and imagined that he was a piece of dust on the floor.<\/p>\n

\u201cJoe? Joe?\u201d Vicki sounded concerned, and Joe took a deep breath and one more shot.<\/p>\n

\u201cGuess I\u2019ll have to leave you too, Vicki.\u201d He said.<\/p>\n

\u201cAre you alright?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhy wouldn\u2019t I be?\u201d Joe forced a laugh. And why shouldn\u2019t he be? They were only ghosts, after all, his father couldn\u2019t hurt him now, and his mother couldn\u2019t swear or scream anymore; she was dead. There was no reason why he shouldn\u2019t be perfectly fine, the memories nothing more than dust in the wind that tickled your nose, made you sneeze, and then was gone, blown away by a much stronger force.<\/p>\n

Though if that was the case, why was he getting back on his horse and riding away instead of staying in the bar with Vicki? Joe slowed his horse to a walk, in no hurry at all to get back to the Finch\u2019s. The hands would have turned in by now, and he would have no choice but to do the same and then lie staring at the ceiling and counting his breaths in the darkness as black silence loomed amidst the stillness. On most nights it didn\u2019t bother him, and even when it did, he was usually able to ignore it, but it had been a day for unwanted memories, and he knew he couldn\u2019t face the darkness of the bunkhouse tonight.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat\u2019s the matter, kid? Afraid of the dark?\u201d One of the hands had yelled when he\u2019d bolted from the bunk house his first night there and they\u2019d turned out the lights.<\/p>\n

\u201cNo.\u201d Joe had snapped. The hands all picked on each other, and he wasn\u2019t interested in his phobia becoming the butt of someone\u2019s joke.<\/p>\n

The other hand had eyed him for a minute, but thankfully he just grunted and went back inside. Joe didn\u2019t follow him. The winking stars and the crisp night air had helped to clear his head, but he hadn\u2019t been able to bring his wobbly knees to propel himself back into the darkness of the bunkhouse, darkness that had nearly suffocated him a few moments ago.<\/p>\n

I guess I forgot what it\u2019s like to sleep inside. He thought. It had been either barns or the side of the road for so long, ever since he\u2019d walked away from his so called home. He hadn\u2019t looked back, but apparently he hadn\u2019t been able to leave it completely behind either.<\/p>\n

Joe sat propped up against a hay bale in the barn after untacking his horse. Better to just stay out here than to go into the bunkhouse and be attacked by blind darkness that echoed memories.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cTwo hours.\u201d The man at the forge said.<\/p>\n

Adam narrowed his eyes. \u201cIt\u2019s just a shoe.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd apparently it\u2019s the day for thrown shoes. You\u2019re fifth in a long line.\u201d The blacksmith crossed his arms over his chest in a gesture that Adam recognized as unmoving. He rubbed his forehead.<\/p>\n

\u201cFine. I\u2019ll be back in two hours. And it had better be done.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019ll be done when it gets done.\u201d The blacksmith said.<\/p>\n

Adam chose not to answer and walked away. If he was going to wait around, it was going to be where it was cool. As he crossed the street, a loud thump made him glance over to where a large man was loading supplies from the mercantile. He paused as something about the man caught in his mind. Something about the shoulders, or the way he carried himself reminded him of someone. Adam debated waiting to see if he could catch a glimpse of his face but then he shrugged it off. It was just a mountain man; he\u2019d seen hundreds of those in his life. Just one more to add to his list. He entered the saloon and exhaled at the change in temperature that was a result of a simple move out of the glaring sun.<\/p>\n

After getting a beer he sat down at a table near the window so he could keep an eye on the wagon and stretched out his legs onto the adjacent chair. He shifted his holster as it snagged on the chair, and for once his fingers noticed the worn down smoothness of the leather. Adam glanced down at it and noted the lightening of the leather, a testimony to its age. He should replace it, but he couldn\u2019t bring himself to do so any more than he could replace the gun inside of it. It was a gun he had never tired of practicing on or watching his Pa send bullet after bullet into glass jars with.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhen do I get my own gun?\u201d He had asked while watching his father clean it one night.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cMe too!\u201d the seven year olds voice was eager as Hoss tugged at his Pa\u2019s leg.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cWhy do you want a gun, Hoss?\u201d Ben asked, his voice warm with a fatherly smile.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cI want to be like you, Pa.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

Ben had looked at Adam and exchanged a grin. Then his face melted into thoughtfulness. \u201cAdam, maybe you should tell Hoss what I told you about guns.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

Adam had straightened, feeling the weight of the task settle on his shoulders. \u201cGuns aren\u2019t meant to define a person; they\u2019re meant as a defense. Being able to kill someone with a simple tool isn\u2019t something to be proud of, being able to look someone in the eye and refuse to succumb to violence is.\u201d Adam was sure his little brother didn\u2019t understand half of those words, but it was part of a much longer speech he\u2019d been the recipient of multiple times. He was sure that by the time Hoss was old enough to learn how to shoot he too would have heard it enough to be able to recite it.<\/em><\/p>\n

Adam\u2019s hand followed the contour of the grip as the other lifted his drink to his lips. The beer was as smooth as the glass as it went down his throat, but it tasted more like horse sweat than a drink. He set the beer down and remembered another speech about guns, not three years after the first.<\/p>\n

\u201cHaving a gun is pointless if you\u2019re not faster than the other man.\u201d Bates had demonstrated his own proficiency to Adam earlier. Adam had watched quizzically, slightly amused by the image of a man in a business suit shooting like a gunslinger.<\/p>\n

\u201cNo one wants to kill anyone, just like no one wants to die. But sometimes things happen, and you have to be ready for it. Survival, my boy, that\u2019s the key.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSo another human\u2019s life isn\u2019t as important as my life?\u201d It had been back when Adam still challenged Bates on certain things.<\/p>\n

\u201cIs it to you?\u201d Bates had demanded. \u201cIf someone came in here with a gun and said he was going to kill one of us, and you could choose which one, wouldn\u2019t you save yourself?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2026\u201d Adam would have liked to say no, but he honestly didn\u2019t know the answer.<\/p>\n

\u201cOf course you would. Why else did you pull the trigger on Singer? Man will always reach for their own survival first and worry about others second. It\u2019s why you have to be careful when you have a man trapped in a corner.\u201d<\/p>\n

The subject had shifted, but part of Adam\u2019s mind had remained stuck in the previous topic, and if he was honest with himself, it still was. The conflicting images swirled in his mind even as he swirled the beer around in its glass. A familiar ache rose inside him like when a beggar who had forgotten his hunger catches the scent of bread. It was a longing for the familiar voice that had once shaped his attitudes and beliefs to echo in his ear once more and for the familiar hands, strong and capable, to grip his shoulder in a reassuring gesture. He wished he could have an hour with his Pa, just one more hour where he could inhale his scent once more and ask him if there was any way to move on. Maybe he could even receive some sort of justification.<\/p>\n

But he couldn\u2019t ask him, not in this life, and probably not even in the next. If his Pa was looking down on him from heaven, Adam doubted he\u2019d ever get the chance to tell him what he thought of his son\u2019s choices because he was certain the pearl gates were closed against him and locked tight. He took a drink, not sure if he was trying to wash away memories of the life he used to have or thoughts of the one he had now.<\/p>\n

\u201cHey there, Hal. Got a drink for me?\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam glanced up as the man he\u2019d seen from outside entered the saloon. Once again, he was struck by a niggling memory of someone, though for the life of him, he couldn\u2019t figure out who it was. But now that he could see the man\u2019s face, he caught another glimpse of a memory, something in the roundness of it, maybe in the nose. Adam frowned. It was like an itch in the middle of his back that he couldn\u2019t quite reach or like trying to remember a dream. The harder you tried, the quicker it disappeared.<\/p>\n

\u201cSure thing. Haven\u2019t seen you in a while.\u201d Hal slid the man a beer, and the man took a long swig and smacked his lips appreciatively. Adam wondered if the bartender had given him a different type of beer than the one he was drinking.<\/p>\n

\u201cJust stopped in for some supplies before heading back up north.\u201d The man took another drink, and Adam tried another sip of his own beer. He grimaced. Maybe the bartender had accidentally given him dishwater.<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, better be on my way; I just came in for something to cool me off.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt sure is a hot one. We\u2019ll see you around, Hoss.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam nearly fell out of his chair. Hoss? It was a common word around mountain men, but that man\u2026 suddenly he realized who the man reminded him of. Everything about him screamed Cartwright. Adam stood and in a few strides had crossed the saloon and pushed through the swinging doors.<\/p>\n

\u201cExcuse me.\u201d He frowned, trying to think of what he was going to say if he was wrong. The man turned and Adam found himself drowned inside a pair of deep blue eyes. They were eyes that had stared up at him unblinking during the first hour of their life, eyes that had filled with tears when Adam had lost his temper, and eyes that had lit up when he\u2019d apologized and offered to take him fishing. They were eyes that he would recognize anywhere. He wasn\u2019t wrong.<\/p>\n

Adam stuck out his hand. \u201cAdam Cartwright.\u201d<\/p>\n

Hoss stared at him for what seemed like years. Then he blinked.<\/p>\n

\u201cAdam?\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam nodded. For a moment the two men studied each other with eyes agape, then Adam felt Hoss grab his arm and pull him towards him. He exhaled, amazed at how solid this man was, who a few moments ago had been only a shadow and a memory.<\/p>\n

\u201cI can\u2019t believe I have to look up at you.\u201d He said as he straightened.<\/p>\n

Hoss unconsciously drew himself up. \u201cWhere have you been, Adam? I thought you were dead.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam blinked at the simple statement and for a second he couldn\u2019t get his mind past it. \u201cWhat? Why?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThe men you met up with in San Francisco said you\u2019d been killed by the man who killed Pa.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat men?\u201d Even as he spoke, Adam knew the answer. Questions that he didn\u2019t know had existed but that had been hovering in the back of his mind came forward and received answers as quickly as they appeared.<\/p>\n

\u201cBates.\u201d He hissed. The name carried the poison of a serpent. In the time it had took for Adam to eat dinner, he must have sent some of his men back to the ranch. \u201cThey burnt the house.\u201d<\/p>\n

As Hoss studied Adam, his mind struggled to reconcile the hazy memory of his tall older brother to the man in front of him who was smaller than he was.<\/p>\n

\u201cWho\u2019s Bates?\u201d he asked.<\/p>\n

Adam didn\u2019t answer. He\u2019d killed dozens of men over the course of his life, but he\u2019d never wanted to kill someone as much as Bates right now. He closed his eyes against the volcano of wrath that was erupting inside him. The emotions were too powerful to water down by putting them to words, so he didn\u2019t speak. Instead he saw in his mind Bates dying, over and over, bullets ripping into him, shot from Adam\u2019s own gun, a thousand times in a split second.<\/p>\n

Hoss put a hand on his brother\u2019s arm. \u201cAdam?\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam took a deep breath, and the volcano simmered down to a steady boil. \u201cIf I had known then\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cKnown what?\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam shook his head. He would deal with Bates later. First he had to get back what the man had stolen from him.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhere\u2019s Joe?\u201d he asked.<\/p>\n

A cloud shifted over Hoss\u2019s face. \u201cHe died in the fire.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam closed his eyes as the hope that had risen for a brief moment collapsed again. Then he opened them again. He still had things to be grateful for, and the biggest one was standing right in front of him.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ll take care of Bates later. Do you want to get a drink? Maybe you can convince the bartender to give us the good beer.\u201d<\/p>\n

Hoss\u2019s face burst into a familiar grin that had always made Adam think of the sun breaking free of clouds. He clapped his brother on the shoulder in a way that painfully reminded Adam of Pa and then led the way back into the saloon. They got their drinks and sat down in silence. Both were unable to take their eyes off each other as they mentally compared the past to the present. Adam took a drink and couldn\u2019t help but notice that the beer hadn\u2019t improved in the two minutes that he\u2019d been outside. He put his mug down and leaned back in his seat. Where to start? For some reason he didn\u2019t want to cloud the moment with the darkness of the past. It was enough to sit next to his brother, drinking poor quality beer in a hot saloon.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat happened in San Francisco?\u201d Hoss asked. There was an unspoken question behind the words that made Adam wince. Why didn\u2019t you come back?<\/p>\n

\u201cI found the man that murdered Pa and Ma. Then I came back, but I was too late.\u201d Adam surmised what was arguably the most life-changing few days in his existence in two sentences. Then he resisted the urge to take another drink as he cast about in his mind for some way to change the topic. \u201cI\u2019m sorry.\u201d He finally said. \u201cI thought you had been inside with Joe.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnyone would assume that.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat happened?\u201d He didn\u2019t want to know, but he had to. It was like the first time he\u2019d seen a dead man when he was seven. You don\u2019t want to look, but something inside you can\u2019t turn away.<\/p>\n

\u201cI was woken up by a man who said he met you in San Francisco. The house was on fire, and he pulled me out. I told him to go back for Joe, but he said it was too late.\u201d Hoss\u2019s eyes were dark and vacant as if he was seeing it in his head as he explained. Adam knew the look and put a hand on his arm, gently drawing him back to the present. \u201cHe said you said to take me to San Francisco.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam bit back the question of why Hoss had believed him. He\u2019d been nine, a trusting child who should have been protected by his older brother. Adam took a deep breath. At the time Hoss had been kidnapped and Joe had died he had been eating steak in a hotel in San Francisco. \u201cSo how\u2019d you end up here?\u201d he asked in an attempt to clear his mind of the heavy guilt that had settled onto it.<\/p>\n

\u201cThis is just a stop I make every few months. I actually live farther north in the mountains. I\u2019ve lived there ever since I was found by a mountain man after we were attacked by Indians on the way to San Francisco.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam wondered what would have happened if they hadn\u2019t been attacked. If Bates\u2019 man had wanted to kill Hoss, he could have just as easily done it before burning the house.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou don\u2019t remember anything about the man?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHe was tall, but then again, everyone seems tall when you\u2019re a little fella.\u201d Hoss closed his eyes and tried to see clearly the murky image that was reflected on his mind. Then he shook his head. \u201cSorry, Adam.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam shrugged. \u201cI don\u2019t know why I wanted to know. It doesn\u2019t make a difference.\u201d<\/p>\n

Silence settled in, a long comfortable one in which Hoss drank his beer and Adam ignored his. Then Hoss spoke.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat brings you here?\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam hesitated and then uncharacteristically decided to throw caution to the wind.<\/p>\n

\u201cKidnapping, actually.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSomebody kidnapped a friend of yours?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNope.\u201d Adam shook his head, amused at Hoss\u2019s puzzled expression. He glanced around but the bartender was distracted by a newspaper and no one else was inside the bar. \u201cI\u2019ve got a kid in the trunk in that wagon over there. I\u2019m taking him to San Francisco.\u201d<\/p>\n

Hoss stared at Adam as if he\u2019d grown a second head. Adam couldn\u2019t blame him. After all, kidnapping didn\u2019t exactly fit the image his little brother probably remembered of him.
\n\u201cWhy?\u201d Hoss finally asked.<\/p>\n

\u201cSomebody\u2019s got your big brother by the nose, Hoss. The kid needs to pay money that he owes to a\u2026 an acquaintance of mine. I\u2019m just making sure he pays. In return I get the Ponderosa.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThe Ponderosa?\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam could see that he was only making Hoss more confused rather than explaining anything. He nodded. \u201cYou got it.\u201d He raised his glass in a bitter toast and took a gulp. To Bates. He thought. May he rot in hell for making me look like a hard hearted criminal to my little brother.<\/p>\n

\u201cHow did this friend of yours get the Ponderosa?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAcquaintance.\u201d Adam corrected, holding up a finger. \u201cClever lawyering and money will get a man a lot, especially when the government is eager to get rid of land that\u2019s not being worked.\u201d<\/p>\n

Hoss shook his head. \u201cWell if he\u2019s got you by the nose, maybe it\u2019s time someone did something to his nose.\u201d His fists automatically clenched, and the gesture somehow made Adam feel warm, like he\u2019d just fallen into a hot spring after a cold rain. He grinned at Hoss, a movement that his mouth was a little rusty with, relieved that for once he actually had an ally.<\/p>\n

\u201cMaybe we both will, but later. If I learned one thing, it\u2019s that going up against Bates requires tact. You have to play by his rules sometimes.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBut the boy\u2026\u201d Hoss gestured toward the wagon.<\/p>\n

\u201cLike I said, he does legally owe Bates the money, and his family can pay up without blinking an eye. I wouldn\u2019t do this if I thought he would come to any harm.\u201d<\/p>\n

Hoss eyed him for a minute. \u201cSan Francisco then? It\u2019s a bit of a ride.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYep.\u201d Adam\u2019s heart rose as he thought he caught on to what Hoss was hinting at. His brother\u2019s next words confirmed it.<\/p>\n

\u201cCare for a little company?\u201d<\/p>\n

Another grin. Could it be possible that this was going to be a habit? Adam clapped his brother on the shoulder and took another drink, not even noticing the bland taste. He felt as if a weight on his shoulders had been blown away by sudden breeze.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019d like that a lot, Hoss.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The wind from the motion of his horse whipped against Joe\u2019s face like rain as he resisted the urge to spur the animal on faster. He knew that he potentially had a long way to go, but he couldn\u2019t ignore the sense of urgency that was nipping at his heels. Still it was nine miles to Gasburg, and then three more miles to Wagner Creek, too far to go the whole way at a dead gallop if he didn\u2019t want to have to rest before going on to Ashland. Joe let his horse slip down into a ground covering lope.<\/p>\n

He didn\u2019t believe Mr. Finch\u2019s thought that Tom was off gallivanting with a girl. Why would he tie his own horse on the side of the road? But he couldn\u2019t for the life of him imagine what sort of trouble he\u2019d gotten himself into. All he knew was that he was going to get him out of it. He owed Tom that much.<\/p>\n

Tom had earned his loyalty from the first day they\u2019d met him. Not his trust \u2013 that was something he still hadn\u2019t given away, even to Tom, but a certain amount of allegiance was owed to him after Joe had nearly gotten himself killed in a fistfight that had turned nasty when his opponent had pulled out a knife. A faint grin flickered on the corners of Joe\u2019s mouth as he remembered the perplexed look on the young man\u2019s face when Tom had knocked him from behind. He\u2019d had just enough time to realize what had happened before he hit the dirt, out cold.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat do you think you\u2019re doing?\u201d Joe had snapped.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cSaving your hide. You can thank me later.\u201d Tom brushed imaginary dust from his sleeves and nonchalantly stepped over the unconscious man\u2019s body.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cHow about I thank you now?\u201d Joe said. He balled his fist and sent it flying into Tom\u2019s arrogant smirk. Only his punch never landed. Instead Tom ducked and Joe felt a sharp pain as a fist slammed into his stomach, but he managed to refrain from doubling over.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019re gonna have to do better than that.\u201d He said. He\u2019d been hit harder. Much harder.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cHow\u2019s this?\u201d Another fist, but this time it was Joe who ducked and hit back. Hard. He followed up with another punch that once again missed its mark, but he managed to duck the retaliating strike. For a moment the two circled like strange cats, then Joe lunged at his opponent.<\/em><\/p>\n

The next thing he knew was a flurry of fists and kicks as they rolled back and forth in the street. Joe\u2019s head snapped sideways from a blow, and for a moment all he saw was black spots. He blinked and struck out wildly until his vision returned. Tom\u2019s face was in front of his, and Joe snapped out a punch.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cGet out of the way!\u201d someone hollered. Joe and Tom looked up in time to see a stage rolling toward them. They separated and leaped sideways as the stage rattled past. Joe rubbed his face, wincing as he encountered swollen spots. He glanced over at his opponent, and they both sat for a moment, panting and covered with dust. Tom held out his hand.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cTom Finch.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cJoe Greyer.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cNew in town?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cWhat makes you say that?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cYou just picked two consecutive fights with two of the best fighters in Jacksonville.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cI didn\u2019t provoke the first, but who\u2019s the second?\u201d Joe asked. Rather than being insulted, Tom had laughed.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cCome on, let me buy you a beer.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

Joe eyed him incredulously and wondered just who this kid was who walked into the saloon like he owned it and who, when he slapped down his hand on the shiningly polished counter, was awarded two drinks like he was actually old enough to consume them. Tom lifted the mug to his lips and drank deeply, and Joe followed suit, though in a more hesitant fashion. The richly sweet smell of the alcohol filled his nostrils and turned his gut, but he managed to get it swallow it with a grimace and keep it from coming back up out of his offended stomach. He put down the mug and hoped Tom wouldn\u2019t notice if he didn\u2019t drink anymore. He didn\u2019t think he could handle another sip.<\/em><\/p>\n

It was the smell that got him. You\u2019d think he\u2019d be used to it; the shack had always reeked of it, but every time he walked inside, it had greeted him with a sinister embrace, reminding him of its powerful grip on the place and the people inside it. His back and shoulders had ached from a day of hauling rocks at the mine, and the dirt had that clung to his sweaty body felt like a second skin that had grown too tight. A wheezy snoring covered the squeaky protest of the hinges as he shut the door and then walked to the back room without stopping to hunt around the dingy kitchen for any food that might have managed to hide in sparse cupboards. His Pa was asleep, which meant he had time to get in his own room and lay low. He\u2019d been sleeping more and more after his Ma had died. Joe wouldn\u2019t have pegged the man on being sentimental, but he figured he missed the extra income and the occasional home cooked meal. With any luck he would sleep through the night and leave Joe alone.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cSo where are you from?\u201d Tom asked.<\/em><\/p>\n

Joe didn\u2019t answer right away as dozens of images flitted through his mind like summer moths. A dried up mine, a shabby cabin on the edge of Durham, and a hundred other towns that had turned him away. They all seemed to mingle into one, like paint colors mixing into a brown haze. He gripped the edge of the bar and wondered if the room was swaying back and forth or if he was. And what was that buzzing noise?<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cAre you alright?\u201d Tom asked.<\/em><\/p>\n

Joe closed his eyes, but the swinging sensation only turned to spinning. He couldn\u2019t feel the bar beneath his hands anymore or the floor beneath his feet. The buzzing grew louder until it filled up his ears like cotton. Then he couldn\u2019t hear anything at all.<\/em><\/p>\n

Even now, sitting in his saddle while riding down the road, Joe could still remember how soft the bed he\u2019d woken up in was. He\u2019d thought for a minute he was in a cloud, which must have meant he\u2019d died. Only he couldn\u2019t be in heaven because while his body felt like it was made of sand that could easily be blown away, his head felt like an anvil complete with a hammer pounding down on it. He\u2019d grimaced and wished he could go back to sleep.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cYou should know better than to drink on an empty stomach.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

Joe opened his eyes at the familiar voice. There was Tom, and by his side was a woman with lips painted bright red to match her satin dress. Joe blinked.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cWhere am I?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cUpstairs in the saloon.\u201d Tom answered. \u201cI didn\u2019t want to take you to a doctor just in case you were a wanted man or something. Are you?\u201d he leaned forward, and the commanding air that had enveloped him was gone, replaced by boyish eagerness. Joe shook his head.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cSorry to disappoint you.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

To this day, Joe still couldn\u2019t figure out how he\u2019d ended up in front of Gabriel Finch feeling like a new toy that Tom had brought home to his father, asking if he could keep it. His head had still been fuzzy, and he\u2019d nearly hit the floor again before Mr. Finch had grunted at his son, which, according to Tom, meant he had a job. Joe figured it didn\u2019t matter how it happened, the important thing was that he\u2019d been given a chance, and it was a chance he\u2019d known better than to waste. Now it looked like it was payback time. Joe tied his horse outside the familiar Gasburg saloon. Despite his pressing errand, he couldn\u2019t help but wink at Dolly, the pretty blonde he\u2019d talked to last time he\u2019d been here. She gave him a twinkling grin and raised an eyebrow questioningly, but Joe shook his head. He was here on business.<\/p>\n

\u201cDoug.\u201d Joe leaned against the bar.<\/p>\n

The bartender studied him. \u201cYou\u2019re that young man that works for the Finches.\u201d He finally said.<\/p>\n

Joe nodded. \u201cI\u2019m looking for someone.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOne of the boys?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo. A man in black. Dark hair. Carries himself like a gunfighter almost.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNobody like that\u2019s been in here.\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe sighed. \u201cThanks.\u201d He turned to leave.<\/p>\n

\u201cGoing so soon?\u201d Dolly slid up beside him.<\/p>\n

\u201cSorry, Doll. Maybe next time.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ll hold you to it.\u201d She kissed her fingertips and pressed them into Joe\u2019s cheek. He flashed her a quick grin which faded into a frown as he mounted his horse and squeezed his heels into the animal\u2019s sides.<\/p>\n

~*~<\/p>\n

The wagon wheeled on in silence, jolting occasionally from a dip in the road, but otherwise running smoothly on the dirt track that wove in and out of the pine trees. Hoss glanced at the man driving who was his brother, once again caught between past and present. Resolute, capable hands, held the reins in a relaxed grip, hands that he remembered sliding his own into when he\u2019d needed a little extra reassurance. His eyes gazed ahead distractedly, as if he was staring down the road of his thoughts rather than the dirt one of Oregon. As Hoss studied the look, he remembered it, the one he had just been learning meant to leave his big brother alone when the shooting had happened. Forgotten memories of being snapped at or answered absentmindedly kept him from talking now. He didn\u2019t mind though. They had talked for hours, and now they were resting in an amiable silence that Hoss didn\u2019t want to break.<\/p>\n

\u201cSo have you been down to this part of the country before?\u201d Adam had asked him after they\u2019d driven a distance from Ashland.<\/p>\n

\u201cNot really. I do know there\u2019s a couple of line shacks farther down the road. We can stop at one for the night.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam had fallen into thoughtful silence before nodding. \u201cThere shouldn\u2019t be anyone following us.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cJust how did you get involved with this \u2018acquaintance\u2019 of yours anyway?\u201d Hoss asked.<\/p>\n

Adam had let out a bitter laugh. \u201cIt\u2019s a long story.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, the way I figure it, we\u2019ve got a long ride ahead of us.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam had been silent for so long that Hoss didn\u2019t think he was going to talk at all. Then he\u2019d begun his story, in the slow, deep voice that made Hoss think of midnight talks when he\u2019d had a bad dream and crawled into his brother\u2019s bed. Only this time his voice had carried a tone of sorrow rather than reassurance.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s not your fault you know.\u201d Hoss had said at the end.<\/p>\n

Adam hadn\u2019t answered, which let Hoss knew that he didn\u2019t agree and wasn\u2019t going to change his mind.<\/p>\n

\u201cLike as not you\u2019d have fallen off your horse from exhaustion if you hadn\u2019t gotten some food in you. Anyhow, how were you supposed to know he was a lying weasel?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI suppose.\u201d Adam hadn\u2019t sounded very convincing, but it was a start. As they drove, Hoss reflected on his story once more. It made him wince that he\u2019d been so willing to fall into Bates\u2019 plan, nine years old or not. He should have known better.<\/p>\n

He remembered pulling away from the strange man\u2019s rough grip and digging in his heels. \u201cWhere are we going?\u201d he had demanded.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cAdam told me to take you to San Francisco before he died. There\u2019s a man there that will take care of you.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

The night had been cold, and Hoss shivered in his nightshirt. His boots felt alien and uncomfortable on his feet since he didn\u2019t have any socks on, and he didn\u2019t want to go anywhere. If Adam said so, he would have to, but Adam had also said for Hoss take care of his little brother. He crossed his arms and tried to look intimidating. \u201cWhat about Joe?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

The man took a deep breath and swept his arm back at the house. Through the windows, Hoss could see the red glow of the fire that had nearly eaten him alive. His voice was still raw from the smoke he\u2019d inhaled.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cIn there. It\u2019s too late, kid.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cToo late for what?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cHe\u2019s dead, ok?\u201d the man had snapped and then grabbed Hoss\u2019s arm again. \u201cNow let\u2019s go.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

Suddenly the wind was gone, and the pinching from his boots disappeared as well. Hoss felt numb as he let himself be dragged along to a waiting horse. Joe was dead. Adam was dead. Ma and Pa were dead. He tried to remember what Adam had explained to him about death.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cIt means they\u2019ve gone away, Hoss, and that they can\u2019t come back. Like that pup we had last year, remember?\u201d Adam\u2019s voice had been shaky as he knelt down in front of his little brother.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cWhy did they go?\u201d Hoss didn\u2019t know why, but he\u2019d felt small and scared all of a sudden. \u201cWas it because I didn\u2019t fill the wood box like Pa asked?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cNo.\u201d Adam\u2019s fingers had gripped Hoss\u2019s arm. \u201cGod just wanted them to be with him in heaven.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cBut I want them to be here.\u201d Hoss\u2019s blue eyes had searched Adam\u2019s brown ones as if his brother had the key to bringing back his parents.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cI know, buddy. I know.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

Now Hoss was faced with more people leaving him. Maybe that\u2019s where this stranger was taking him \u2013 to the place where everybody had gone. Maybe he was dead too and when they got to San Francisco, his family would be there. Maybe that was where heaven was. Hoss gripped the saddle horn.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cHow will Joe get there?\u201d he asked.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cWhat?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cJoe. How will he get there?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cYour brother won\u2019t be there, kid. I told you, he\u2019s dead.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

Hoss frowned. Maybe Joe would come later. He would have to ask Adam when he saw him again. If they couldn\u2019t come back, maybe they could send this man again to get Joe. He wanted to ask the man if he was dead as well, but he felt irritation rolling off of him in waves and decided it would be better to wait and talk to his brother when they were in heaven together.<\/em><\/p>\n

Hoss exhaled as he remembered the calm assurance he\u2019d had that he would see his brother in San Francisco. Somewhere along the line that assurance had died out, and with the understanding of what death really was came the resignation that he was alone in the world. Until now. For once he was grateful for the perpetual aloneness of his life because he\u2019d been able to drop everything to accompany his newfound brother on this crazy quest. Hoss glanced back at the trunk nestled behind the wagon seat.<\/p>\n

\u201cAre we gonna let him out when we stop for the night?\u201d he asked, changing his focus from the past to the matter at hand.<\/p>\n

Adam shrugged. \u201cI guess it couldn\u2019t hurt.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ashton was larger than Jacksonville, but it lacked the certain hominess that had almost made Joe feel part of the town even though he still regarded himself as a stranger. He glanced over at the mercantile and unconsciously rubbed his shoulder as he remembered being thrown out of that store the first time he\u2019d passed through Ashton.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m not here to steal anything.\u201d Joe had snapped. \u201cIs it a crime to look around?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDo you have money?\u201d the burly storekeeper had growled.<\/p>\n

\u201cSo it\u2019s a crime not to have money then.\u201d Weeks of walking and sleeping on the ground with almost nothing to eat had left Joe beyond irritable. He\u2019d gone inside to get out of the rain while he planned his next move only to be thrown back out in the freezing October downpour while the storekeeper crossed his arms and glared at him from beneath the shelter of the porch.<\/p>\n

\u201cWe don\u2019t like strangers in this town.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI kind of think that you just don\u2019t like people in general.\u201d Joe had expected the fist and had easily stepped aside, but he hadn\u2019t hit back. It was pointless; he knew when he was beaten. Instead he\u2019d left the town and had kept moving.<\/p>\n

Going farther north with winter coming and no prospects hadn\u2019t really the logical thing to do, but he\u2019d done it anyway, if for no other reason than because he could. It made about as much sense as what he was doing now did. After all, the likelihood of the man in black having something to do with Tom\u2019s disappearance was about as slim as Joe actually being able to find him. But he still went into the saloon, as much for something to cool him off as for information. The sun was closing in on the horizon, but it still wasn\u2019t low enough to cool things down. Joe took his hat off and ran his hand through his matted hair as the bartender poured him a drink.<\/p>\n

\u201cHas a tall man all dressed in black come through here?\u201d Joe asked after taking a long drink.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhy do you want to know?\u201d the bartender asked.<\/p>\n

Joe took that as a yes and resisted the urge to lean forward. He didn\u2019t want to look too eager.<\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t have any money.\u201d He said. \u201cI just need to find him.\u201d<\/p>\n

The bartender eyed him for a minute as he wiped down glass mugs with a soft, white rag.<\/p>\n

\u201cHe met up with another man, a mountaineer that comes ever few months, and they left in his wagon.\u201d He finally said.<\/p>\n

Joe frowned. He wasn\u2019t so sure about going up against two men without help. \u201cWhere\u2019s the telegraph office?\u201d he asked.<\/p>\n

\u201cNext street over, by the bank.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThanks.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHey, tell the two youngest Finches that they own me from the last time they were in town and decided it\u2019d be fun to tear the place up.\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe gave a noncommittal wave as he walked out of the saloon, mildly amused by Tom and Jesse\u2019s apparent antics at the same time as he was irritated by them. Despite the fact that they were both older, he often caught himself wondering when they were going to grow up.<\/p>\n

After sending a telegram back to the Finches, Joe paused to decide if he should continue on or not. It would be dark soon, but he didn\u2019t want to lose the trail. He could see reasonably well in the dark \u2013 a tribute to working in the dim light of a mine \u2013 and he felt a sudden urge to catch up to this man now that he knew he was on his trail. Joe mounted and rode forward into the twilight. He didn\u2019t know what this man wanted with Tom \u2013 if he\u2019d been mad at Carl, he would have just taken it out on him rather than his kid brother \u2013 but he wasn\u2019t about to leave his friend in the hands of some crazed gunslinger and his mountain man companion. Joe\u2019s hands gripped tightly on the reins, and he glared at the road ahead even as it disappeared under the hooves of his mount. He was going to find this man in black and make sure he knew just who he was messing with.<\/p>\n

~*~<\/p>\n

The first thing Adam had seen when he opened the trunk was a pair of feral eyes glaring up at him. They were blue, but not like Hoss\u2019s, whose eyes were like deep water. These eyes were shallow, like a frozen and glassy lake.<\/p>\n

\u201cCome on.\u201d Adam had hauled him up. He knew there was no way Finch would be able to walk after having spent a day tied up and cramped in the trunk, so he\u2019d half carried, half dragged him into the line shack. He\u2019d driven the wagon to where it would be out of sight of the road and when he\u2019d returned, Hoss had Finch untied and eating. Adam started to say something about the security of the prisoner and then stopped. But Hoss must have caught the look on his face.<\/p>\n

\u201cHe\u2019s gotta eat something, Adam.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam tossed his hat onto the rough table. \u201cIs there any left for me?\u201d he asked.<\/p>\n

Finch had glared at him as he ate, and Adam had waited to see who could remain silent longer: Finch, smoldering and irate, or himself, cool and indifferent. Finally Finch broke the silence.<\/p>\n

\u201cJust wait until my Pa and brothers get their hands on you.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIf they ever do, and that\u2019s a big if.\u201d Adam had responded. \u201cThough I\u2019m not sure what you\u2019re so mad about. Next time just pay your debts if you don\u2019t want things to get complicated.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNext time you should tell Bates to do his dirty work himself!\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam stood. \u201cThe man would never get his hands dirty, and it\u2019s a moot point because there won\u2019t be a next time for me.\u201d He let the shutting of the shack door punctuate his statement.<\/p>\n

Now he was standing in the crisp night air that had taken a sharp turn for the chilly side of things, wishing for the hundredth time that he\u2019d never gotten mixed up in all of this. He should have just walked away instead of having to babysit a whiny kid. Of course, if he had then he wouldn\u2019t have met up with Hoss. Maybe there was a God after all.<\/p>\n

Besides, as much as he liked to pretend to himself, he knew he couldn\u2019t walk away from the Ponderosa. He had poured just as much of his heart into it as his Pa had, and he had worked to build it up from the ground as well. It was his home, the only one he would ever have, and he needed it back, now more than ever. There was a yearning in his chest for it now that it was in his grasp that he couldn\u2019t ignore, even if he wanted to.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou alright, Adam?\u201d Hoss\u2019s voice came from behind him, but Adam didn\u2019t turn around.<\/p>\n

\u201cYeah.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou sure you want to do this now? There\u2019d be no shame in turning back, you know.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam inhaled all the way to his toes and then let it out slowly. \u201cNo.\u201d he said. \u201cI have to get that ranch back.\u201d He didn\u2019t think Hoss would understand; after all, he\u2019d been young when things had gone south. He probably couldn\u2019t remember the fire in his Pa\u2019s eyes when he spoke of the ranch and the dreams he had for the place.<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, as far as you go, I\u2019ll be right there beside you.\u201d Hoss clapped Adam on the back, and Adam finally turned around.<\/p>\n

\u201cThanks.\u201d His voice was thick with emotion. He didn\u2019t know how to tell Hoss how much it meant to him, but he thought maybe his brother knew. He seemed to have a knack for reading Adam\u2019s mind.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou want to come back to the shack now?\u201d Hoss asked.<\/p>\n

\u201cIn a minute.\u201d Adam listened to the sound of his brother making his way back to the shack as he stared up at the countless stars plastered on the sky. Maybe one of them was his Pa, looking down now. Adam took another long, deep breath.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m doing it for you, you know.\u201d He said in a soft tone that carried over through the trees and up toward the heavens. \u201cI just wish\u2026 I wish you could see me and could know that at least two of your sons are back together.\u201d<\/p>\n

He was about to turn and go back to the line shack when a soft rustling caught his ear. As a man who had spent his life appearing where he wasn\u2019t expected, he instantly recognized the sound of someone sneaking. Adam tentatively stepped forward toward the sound of the noise. It was coming from the direction of the wagon. As he moved forward among the shadows, he could just make out the shape of a slight figure behind the wagon. Adam debated calling out, but he didn\u2019t want anyone to see him or to know there was something amiss. It was only one; he could be taken care of easily. Adam drew his gun. A simple knock over the head and then he and Hoss would be on their way. So much for a good night\u2019s rest.<\/p>\n

But as he noiselessly stepped forward, he must have set off some inner trigger in the other man. He turned and for a moment they were both frozen. Then the other man lunged. Adam felt himself knocked backwards, but he let the motion roll him over and back onto his feet. Instantly his fists were up and ready. The other man swung first, and Adam easily ducked. Light from the full moon cast a shadow over the man\u2019s face, and the back of Adam\u2019s mind noticed how young he was even as the front of his mind drove his hands to hit back. The other man ducked, but too late, and Adam\u2019s fist collided with his face. The young man staggered backwards but was back in an instant and in a fighting stance, one fist slightly in front of the other so one could strike and one could block. Adam shifted, slightly off balance that the other man was using his left hand to strike.<\/p>\n

He\u2019s left handed. He realized. His mind couldn\u2019t finish the thought that had begun to form as the other man attacked, and Adam caught one of his blows in the eye. He swung back. Whatever it was, it could wait. His punch landed solidly in the man\u2019s stomach, and Adam followed it up with two consecutive hits. The man slumped forward slightly, and Adam gave him one more punch that sent him topping backwards. Light from a lantern suddenly filled the clearing as the young man hit the ground.<\/p>\n

\u201cAdam? You alright?\u201d Hoss stepped forward, but Adam didn\u2019t look over. He knew the man would be up, and he was right. The man stood, and as he stepped into the light, his green eyes sparked anger, and Adam could have sworn that he\u2019d come face to face with Marie, his Pa\u2019s third wife, and his mother for a short time. The young man raised his fists, and Adam was once again struck by his fighting stance. But this time the thought clicked.<\/p>\n

\u201cWait.\u201d He stepped backwards, and the young man followed, wiping blood off his lower lip as he came.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat?\u201d he spat.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2026\u201d His mind was playing tricks on him. He\u2019d found Hoss, so now he thought he was seeing someone else. But it was impossible. Just because he\u2019d found one brother who he thought had been dead didn\u2019t mean the other one was alive. Adam shook his head in an attempt to clear it. Why did he feel so sure?<\/p>\n

\u201cHoss\u2026\u201d he tried to speak again as he continued to back up.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat is it? You look like you\u2019ve seen a ghost.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI may have.\u201d<\/p>\n

The other man seemed impatient at the lack of action \u2013 even though he\u2019d been losing the fight. \u201cI\u2019m here for Tom Finch.\u201d He said.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat\u2019s your name?\u201d Adam asked. He couldn\u2019t be right. The word impossible rose to his mind again, but it couldn\u2019t beat down the niggling doubt that was more solid than any practicality.<\/p>\n

\u201cJoe Greyer.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cJoe. Joe Cartwright?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cGreyer.\u201d But even as Joe corrected him, the other name clicked in his mind like a door latch that opened to a forgotten memory.<\/p>\n

A woman was screaming. He knew her; she called herself his mother even though she wasn’t. And the man who had told him he would be his Pa when the other man had dropped Joe off was towering over her, belt in hand. He could feel the dust tickle his nose and cobwebs stick to him as he tried to cower in the corner. Dirt stuck to his hands as he crouched.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cHe’ll learn his name if I have to beat it into him!\u201d the man’s voice rose like a wolf’s growl, making them both tremble.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cHe’s just a boy!\u201d she had begged, but the men was already stooping over Joe and pulling him out of his hiding place. Joe struggled as he was dragged forward, but he was a stick caught in a flood.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cCliff told me to make sure he forgets, and I aim to do that!\u201d he hollered one last retort at his now sobbing wife and then turned back to Joe. \u201cWhat did you say your name was, boy?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

Cartwright. The name had risen to his mind like smoke, but he’d glanced at the belt. In the space of the few long months that he\u2019d been here, he\u2019d felt it more often than he\u2019d liked.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cGreyer.\u201d his lips had trembled their way through the word. \u201cJoe Greyer.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

His so called Pa eyed him suspiciously before shoving him to the side and turning back to his wife.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cSee? He can learn.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

Joe had felt a hand on his shoulder, and he’d looked up into her light brown eyes. The door slammed shut, and with her husband gone, he felt it safe to speak.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cThat’s not really my name.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cSsh.\u201d she put a hand over his lips. It was rough and calloused, not like another hand he’d known. Another hand from somewhere before the falling down house and the man who wore his belt in his hand more often than on his waist.<\/em><\/p>\n

It was the hand that stuck in Joe\u2019s mind. Soft and gentle, it had caressed his round face and had toyed with his curls. The hand of a woman, but a woman with no face.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cHow do you know me?\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam glanced at Hoss, but his brother was dumbstruck. No help there. Still the expression on his face was comforting; it meant that Adam wasn\u2019t crazy and that Hoss was seeing the same thing he was.<\/p>\n

\u201cWe\u2019re your brothers.\u201d He said.<\/p>\n

Normally Joe had a comment for everything, but this time no words came to his mind. He didn\u2019t have any brothers. Did he? He ran his mind over the forgotten memory like it was a key to some box that contained a past he couldn\u2019t remember.<\/p>\n

\u201cWho are you?\u201d It wasn\u2019t the question he wanted to ask, but it was the closest thing he could get to it as an ocean of thoughts tossed his mind back and forth like a ship in a storm.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m Adam, this is Hoss.\u201d Adam\u2019s brow wrinkled as he noticed how strange it was to introduce himself to his own brother. But the more he reflected on it, the more he realized that it was a brother he\u2019d never truly known.<\/p>\n

It hadn\u2019t been the answer Joe was looking for either. Then the larger man stepped forward.<\/p>\n

\u201cJoe, what all do you remember? Of the Ponderosa.\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe struggled to place the name. It was like something he\u2019d once smelled but couldn\u2019t remember the scent though he could taste it on the tip of his tongue. He shook his head in helplessness, and both men in front of him seemed to slump disappointedly. Joe looked from one to the other, trying to place their faces in his mind, but there was no trigger, no tingling of a memory. He thought about drawing his gun while they were distracted; he could get Tom and get out of here. Then the larger man, Hoss, spoke again.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou were only three when it happened. I thought you died in the fire.\u201d<\/p>\n

Another word that flashed an image: fire. Joe heard a distant crackle as if coming from miles away down a deep tunnel.<\/p>\n

Hoss continued, \u201cI reckon the same thing happened to you that happened to me; one of Bates\u2019 men took you out of the house before it burnt to the ground.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat house?\u201d Joe didn\u2019t know why he was listening to this, but he couldn\u2019t pull himself away.<\/p>\n

Adam held up a hand. They might as well start at the beginning.<\/p>\n

\u201cYour name is Joe Cartwright.\u201d He said. \u201cAs I said, we\u2019re your brothers. We had a ranch in Nevada, the Ponderosa. Our Pa and Ma were murdered when you were three, and I went to find the man who did it. While I was gone, I met a man named Samuel Bates, who wanted to hire me, but when I told him I couldn\u2019t work for him because I had to take care of my brothers, he sent men back to kidnap you both and make it look like you were dead.\u201d As he told the tale, Adam realized just how ludicrous and fantastic it sounded. He wondered if he would believe it if he was in Joe\u2019s position.<\/p>\n

\u201cSo you\u2019re telling me that I grew up in a family that wasn\u2019t my real one, and you two are my long lost brothers?\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam cringed at his incredulous tone.<\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s what we\u2019re telling you.\u201d Hoss said. \u201cAnd it\u2019s the truth.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI didn\u2019t come here to find a family I didn\u2019t know I had, I came for my friend. Where is he?\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam cringed again. It was a subject he\u2019d been hoping to put off for at least a little while longer. He paused for several moments as his mind struggled to come up with an explanation that Joe would understand. Hoss remained silent, ready to back his older brother up, but not wanting to do any damage by trying to explain the situation himself.<\/p>\n

\u201cYour friend lost some money that belonged to Sam Bates. He just wants it back.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSo why did he send a cheap gunslinger?\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam gritted his teeth and refused to let the intentional insult cut into him. \u201cHe sent me to get Finch and bring him to him.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSo he can take his money out of his hide?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHe won\u2019t hurt him.\u201d Adam said. Bates would have tried harder to squirm out of the contract if that had been what he\u2019d had in mind. \u201cOnce he pays up he can go home.\u201d And so can I. Adam wondered if he should mention that part of the contract and decided it couldn\u2019t make things any worse. \u201cBates managed to get his hands on the Ponderosa somehow, and if I do this, I\u2019ll get it back.\u201d Adam hesitated. \u201cIt\u2019s your home too.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cMy home is with the Finches.\u201d Joe snapped.<\/p>\n

\u201cThen you\u2019re in a tight spot.\u201d Adam said. He didn\u2019t know what else to do. The resolve to get back his ranch had taken root inside him, and he couldn\u2019t just pull it up and toss it out so easily. The whole situation was surreal, and part of his brain just couldn’t accept that it was his little brother in front of him, in front of him and trying to stop him. His irritation at the situation must have come through in his tone because Joe\u2019s hand dropped to his side next to his gun. Adam stiffened. It shouldn\u2019t be this way. But he’d nearly died too many times for habit to ignore the silent challenge, and it forced his hand to follow suit. As he met his brother\u2019s eyes, a line of tension stretched between them. He wondered what this young man would be like if he\u2019d grown up under the gentle pine boughs of the Ponderosa.<\/p>\n

\u201cHold on.\u201d Hoss stepped between them, and the tension snapped like a cut rope. \u201cThere\u2019s no reason we have to be on opposite sides.\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe could think of a few, but he relaxed his shoulders slightly and let Hoss continue.<\/p>\n

\u201cNow look here, Adam just wants to get the ranch that our Pa built with his bare hands back. You may not remember it, but that still don\u2019t mean it ain\u2019t there just the same. He says that this Bates fella ain\u2019t gonna hurt your friend, and I believe him, but if you don\u2019t then you\u2019re welcome to come along with us to make sure nothing happens to him. And then maybe afterwards you can come with us to the Ponderosa and see if being there don\u2019t jog your memory.\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe regarded him for a moment in silence as he weighed his options. Adam held his breath, silently thanking whatever higher powers there were that Hoss had stepped forward when he did. The realization that he\u2019d nearly had to shoot his baby brother was dawning on him, and it made his stomach turn.<\/p>\n

Have I gotten into the habit of mistrusting so much that I would shoot down my own brother? It didn\u2019t matter that he didn\u2019t even know him, the thought still made Adam want to throw up.<\/p>\n

\u201cI want to see him.\u201d Joe said.<\/p>\n

\u201cAlright.\u201d Hoss led the way back to the line shack. As they walked, Adam fought against the instincts screaming at him that this was probably the stupidest thing he could do. Before Hoss could open the door, he gave in to them.<\/p>\n

\u201cYour gun, Joe.\u201d He said.<\/p>\n

Joe\u2019s hand automatically covered the handle, and Adam refused to let the uncomfortable tightness in his gut show on his face. They stared at each other for several moments, and then Joe slid the gun out of its holster and handed it, not to Adam, but to Hoss. Then he went inside.<\/p>\n

Tom was tied to a chair with his head bent down toward his chest, and his disheveled hair obscured his face. At first Joe thought he was sleeping, but then he lifted his head.<\/p>\n

\u201cJoe! What took you so long? Did you get rid of those two men?\u201d his grin shifted into confusion as Joe stood in the center of the shack unmoving. \u201cAren\u2019t you gonna untie me?\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe took a deep breath, like a drowning man receiving air. As he let it out, he struggled to separate his two trains of thought.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhy did they take you?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019re not going to untie me first?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cJust tell me.\u201d Part of him was stalling for time and the other part was hoping Tom would tell him something completely different, something that would rationalize a daring escape despite the fact that they\u2019d taken his gun.<\/p>\n

Tom shrugged as best he could with his hands tied behind his back. \u201cAlright. They want me to pay some man I got a job with a few months ago. You remember; I was paid to ride that stage to San Francisco?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYeah.\u201d Joe said with a sinking heart.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt was to guard some money, fifty thousand dollars. But the money was stolen, and apparently, Bates, the man who hired me, wanted me to cough up the money myself. I told him I\u2019d get the money and then hightailed it back home. So he sent these characters after me.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhy didn\u2019t you just pay? Your Pa\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cMy Pa\u2019s tired of dishing out money for my mistakes. Sure he\u2019d pay, and then I\u2019d never hear the end of it.\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe sighed and ran a hand through his hair, absentmindedly realizing that he\u2019d left his hat where it had fallen outside.<\/p>\n

\u201cWill you untie me now? I can\u2019t imagine you killed those two men, so we probably don\u2019t have that much time.\u201d<\/p>\n

His lips wouldn\u2019t form the words any more than his arms would move to cut the ropes. He was stuck, dangling between two points and unable to tip the scale either way. His mind turned over rapidly, rocking him back and forth between two courses of action. For a moment he felt as though he would be here forever, and life would go on by without him as he remained in an endless debate with himself. Then he shook his head. He couldn\u2019t decide right now; he needed time, space. For the moment, he would leave things the way they were.<\/p>\n

\u201cAdam said Bates didn\u2019t want to hurt you; he just wants his money.\u201d He said.<\/p>\n

Tom\u2019s eyes narrowed. \u201cAdam? How do you know these men?\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe shifted. \u201cIt’s complicated. But I know them. Or they know me.\u201d Complicated was an understatement. Joe rubbed his arm, giving in to the need to do something with his hands.<\/p>\n

\u201cSo you\u2019re on their side?\u201d Tom snapped.<\/p>\n

\u201cNo. But\u2026 I have some things to sort out.\u201d He resisted the urge to beg Tom to understand; he knew he wouldn\u2019t. He didn\u2019t understand himself. \u201cI\u2019ll be back.\u201d He said.<\/p>\n

Adam and Hoss were outside. Joe grabbed the reins of his horse and turned to Adam before he mounted.<\/p>\n

\u201cCan I have my gun back?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSorry.\u201d Adam couldn\u2019t trust him with it just yet. He wasn\u2019t sure whether he was doing the right thing or not, but he knew that the suspicion was mutual. If the situation was reversed, he was sure Joe would do the same thing.<\/p>\n

\u201cDon’t worry about it. Brother.\u201d The last word came out as a snarl and Joe mounted his horse and rode away.<\/p>\n

\u201cIn retrospect, that probably wasn\u2019t the best thing to do.\u201d Adam murmured. The echo of hoof beats was like a thudding on his chest.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou had no choice, Adam.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam frowned at his brother; a man who he was beginning to see like an onion, with multiple layers beneath the outer surface. And this trip seemed to be a knife; just as Adam got used to one layer, it pulled it back to reveal another. \u201cI thought you trusted him.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo. But I can\u2019t bring myself to mistrust him either. I reckon neither of us knows him well enough to be sure. And he sure don’t know us all that well either.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHe has more reason to be loyal to that man in there than he does to us.\u201d Adam realized.<\/p>\n

For a moment they both were silent as the truth of his simple statement settled onto their shoulders like a large weight. Then Hoss put a hand on Adam\u2019s back.<\/p>\n

\u201cHe\u2019ll come around. You remember how curious he used to be?\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam nodded and couldn\u2019t help a faint smile that tickled the corners of his mouth. Telling Joe not to get into something was the quickest and easiest way to make sure he did just that. At least it used to be. Adam wished he knew just how much his little brother had changed.<\/p>\n

\u201cYes sir, he\u2019ll be back.\u201d Hoss said as he stared through the woods Joe had disappeared into as if he could find and answer somewhere in the darkness.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Joe let his horse guide itself through the trees as he urged it on faster. He was running from his mind; he didn\u2019t want to think. He just wanted to gallop so fast that his horse became a blur and they left time behind. But his thoughts kept catching up.<\/p>\n

All he\u2019d wanted was to get Tom and go back to Jacksonville. But could he do that? No. Just because of some fire or whatever they had said that had happened years ago. Joe suddenly reined in his horse and leaped to the ground. He couldn\u2019t outrun his thoughts, so he might as well face them. As Joe marched back and forth in a circle his horse, grateful that he wasn\u2019t being forced at a breakneck gallop through the woods, dropped his head to graze. Joe glared at the animal as if it was the root of his problems.<\/p>\n

\u201cGo ahead and eat! It\u2019s not like your future is impacted at all by this.\u201d He snapped. Then he spun and sent his fist into the nearest tree. The bark clawed at his knuckles, but he didn\u2019t pay any attention to the pain except to notice that it distracted his mind from the knives stabbing into his stomach and the whirlwind in his head. He punched again and then again. Bark spotted with his blood flew off the tree, but he kept hitting it until his arms felt like wrung out rags. He hissed at the currents of pain that ran through his wrists and up his arm as he unclenched his fists. Then, like vultures that had been temporarily scared off a carcass, his thoughts returned.<\/p>\n

This should have been simple. Why wasn\u2019t it simple? Even if they were his brothers, it wasn\u2019t like he owed them anything.<\/p>\n

Involuntarily his mind leaped backwards to a scene that had happened right after Tom and Jesse had been thrown out of the saloon, dragging half a dozen men intent on getting their blood with them. Joe had arrived at the same time the sheriff had, and it was a good thing for the Finch brothers. If the sheriff hadn\u2019t broken up the fight, one or both of them would have been visiting the doctor \u2013 or quite possibly the mortician. Joe, never one to refuse a fight but always one to scold for it, had given Tom and earful.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhy did you get into that fight anyway? There was no way you could have won.\u201d He had demanded.<\/em><\/p>\n

Tom had shrugged off the multiple bruises on his face. \u201cYeah, but my big brother was fighting, so I had to help him out.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

At the time, Joe had just assumed that Tom was itching for a fight the way he sometimes did, but now the memory had gained another level of depth to it.<\/p>\n

For his entire life all he\u2019d wanted was another family. A brother, sister, aunt, cousin, anything. And now he had one, and it was at the worst time imaginable.<\/p>\n

Joe sank to the ground as his anger wafted away and left him feeling limp and hollow. Truth be told, he\u2019d lied when he\u2019d said his home was with the Finches. If he\u2019d been forced to be honest, he would have to admit that he didn\u2019t have a home. Because no matter how close he seemed to be with the Finches, there was always an undercurrent pulling him away. He didn\u2019t belong there. He knew it, Carl knew it; surely Mr. Finch knew it, probably Jesse too. Tom was the only one completely oblivious. And he had to be the one dragged into this.<\/p>\n

Joe rubbed his swollen lip. Whoever this Adam Cartwright was, he had a good arm.<\/p>\n

Cartwright. Joe Cartwright. Joseph Cartwright. The name felt like an old leather shoe that was too small and stiff to fit over his foot but that still had an air of familiarity to it for all that. And like an old shoe, the more you tried it on, the more it stretched and fit a little better. He wracked his mind for memories like a man who\u2019d lost a diamond in a cornfield, but all he came up with were empty husks. There was nothing there.<\/p>\n

Maybe he needed a trigger, like his name had been. He\u2019d heard it and then had remembered something he\u2019d forgotten had ever happened. But in order to keep triggering his mind, he would need to stay with Adam and Hoss. Which meant betraying Tom to an extent. The web continued to tangle itself. And he\u2019d sent the telegram which told the Finches where they were. Another knot. Joe groaned and let his head fall into his hands in defeat. Once again he realized that it was a decision he couldn\u2019t make. Not now. For the moment he would just have to see how things played out.<\/p>\n

~*~<\/p>\n

Hoss wasn\u2019t as confident in his surmising of Joe as he\u2019d let Adam think. He was good at reading people, and he could see wrath bubbling like hot water in Joe\u2019s every move. Joe was on the warpath; there was no doubt about that. His demeanor now stood in stark contrast to the sunny little boy that used to give him colorful rocks from the shore of the lake. Hoss closed his eyes and remembered the way Joe\u2019s eyes had widened with his mouth as he shouted his name.<\/p>\n

\u201cHoss! Hoss!\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

Adam was chasing him around the table and the three year old ran to his other brother for protection. Hoss stepped between him and Adam, winked at his older brother, and grabbed Little Joe around the waist and held the three year old as he shrieked and Adam charged. Then Joe shrieked again as Adam began to tickle him.<\/em><\/p>\n

Hoss couldn\u2019t remember anything else about that day, but he could see the scene in his head as if it had happened yesterday. Or maybe even more recently. Memories were a funny thing; you could remember a single moment, a game played between three brothers, for years and yet forget what you had for lunch the day before.<\/p>\n

\u201cMemories are dangerous.\u201d Jim had once said to him. \u201cThey trick you into thinking things were so much better back then. They weren\u2019t you know. You just only remember the good things.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cOr the bad.\u201d The bad had been what had kept Hoss from sleeping that night \u2013 memories of fire and Indian chants and then running for his life.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cBut even the bad doesn\u2019t seem so bad because now you have hindsight and can rationalize how it worked out anyway. You\u2019d rather go back and face the problems you had then than try to get through the ones you have now.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

That was true, Hoss reflected. But maybe if he could get through these problems, things might just get better. It was worth a shot anyway.<\/p>\n

The sound of a horse made him look up, and Joe rode up to the shack. Hoss resisted the urge to stand and greet him; he didn\u2019t want to scare him off. But he couldn\u2019t keep the grin off of his face as he exhaled in relief. Then he caught sight of dried blood on the back of Joe\u2019s knuckles.<\/p>\n

\u201cJoe! What happened to your hands?\u201d Instantly he was on his feet.<\/p>\n

\u201cNothing.\u201d Joe undid the girth and pulled the saddle off, but he couldn\u2019t hold on to it long enough to lower it, and it landed on the ground with a heavy thump.<\/p>\n

\u201cLet me look at them.\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe jerked his hand away as Hoss reached for it. \u201cIt\u2019s fine!\u201d He snapped. He tied his horse and hesitated before going into the line shack.<\/p>\n

\u201cSomething wrong?\u201d Hoss asked.<\/p>\n

There were several things wrong. First of all he was caught between a rock and a hard place, also known as his friend and his brother, and he didn\u2019t want to be around either of them right now. Secondly the shack reminded him far too much of another that he\u2019d left behind, and walking inside it was sure to bring back memories that would keep him up. But he didn\u2019t want to mention any of that to the large man staring concertedly at him, so he shrugged in an attempt at indifference and sauntered inside.<\/p>\n

Tom was asleep, snoring in his chair, but Adam was up. He glanced at Joe, and Joe ignored him. He didn\u2019t want to talk about the predicament anymore than he wanted to think about it. He tossed his bedroll down in a corner and stretched out on it. Even through the fabric, he could feel the unforgiving boards reminding him that he was on a floor instead of a bed.<\/p>\n

He heard Hoss come in and shut the door behind him then there was a scraping sound. Joe peeked through his eyelids in time to see him wedge a chair against the door before he too lay down. Across the room, he could see the still form of Adam in the darkness. It was motionless, but Joe didn\u2019t think he was asleep. He was probably lying in the darkness waiting for Joe to do something stupid. Joe rolled over and crossed his arms. The stupid thing was sticking around, but he\u2019d decided to do it, so there was no point in belly aching.<\/p>\n

He closed his eyes so he couldn\u2019t see the darkness of the shack. It was all too familiar: the rough blanket, the tiny room, the hardness of the floor, the harsh snoring covering the sounds of the night. But he refused to let himself toss sideways in an attempt to fend off the memories of the place he\u2019d walked away from. He ground his teeth and clenched his fists then he winced as his knuckles began throbbing again. He really should clean them out. But if he got up he would have Adam\u2019s eye on him the entire time, and he\u2019d just as soon avoid being watched like a chicken by a hawk. Instead Joe carefully relaxed his fingers and eventually the throbbing subsided. Every time he felt himself starting to slide into oblivion, he clenched his fists and let the pain rip through him, jolting him awake. He wasn\u2019t going to fall asleep and have a nightmare wake him up. That would lead to too many questions. In between clenching his fists he listened to sound of Hoss\u2019 snoring, which had joined Tom\u2019s. Adam\u2019s breathing was deep and regular, but Joe was still certain he was at least partially awake. He felt irritation rise within him. Why couldn\u2019t Adam go to sleep so he could slip outside? If he could just walk around in the free air, he might be able to clear his mind and get a couple hours of rest.<\/p>\n

His arm had fallen asleep. Tiny needles pricked at him from his elbow to his wrist, and his fingers felt fat and swollen. Still he didn\u2019t move. It was getting to be a silent contest of wills, one that Adam didn\u2019t even know he was a part of. But if could lie unmoving in the darkness pretending to be asleep, so could Joe. He bit his lip and wiggled his fingers as the darkness pressed close and threatened to smother him. He felt like a quail hiding in the bushes as the hunter got closer and closer. The only different was that if he was a quail, he would burst forward at the last moment and possibly manage to escape. Right now the only thing he could do was ignore the darkness, knowing it was himself that had added the sinisterness to it but unable to erase it.<\/p>\n

He clenched his hands again and then felt a tiny trickle run down the back of his left hand. He must have torn it open by his constant flexing. The blood tentatively dribbled down toward his wrist and then began to slide off the edge of his arm. Joe rolled his wrist so that the drop of blood was absorbed in his shirt and then pressed his knuckles against the blanket to stop the bleeding.<\/p>\n

After what seemed like years, the shack began to lighten. At first it was barely noticeable, and then the black began to fade to a dingy grey, and Joe could make out the shape of the table and the chair where Tom was tied. The weight that had been pressing against his chest slowly stretched and lifted itself off of him.<\/p>\n

There was the sound of rustling cloth, and then Adam rose. Joe remained where he was and watched him walk across the floor and open the door. A line of fresh sunlight cut across the floor like an arrow as Adam stepped outside and left the door open a crack behind him. Tom raised his head and caught sight of Joe with his eyes on the crack Adam had disappeared through.<\/p>\n

\u201cJoe.\u201d He hissed. \u201cQuick, untie me.\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe turned his head. All of his reasoning from the night before had vanished like morning fog burned away by sunlight, and he thought for a moment about untying Tom and riding away from this tangled mess. He rose from his bedroll, but before he could walk across to Tom, Hoss rolled over and grunted slightly. Then he opened his eyes.<\/p>\n

\u201cMorning, huh? You boys hungry?\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe and Tom\u2019s eyes met, and Joe couldn\u2019t decide if he felt relieved or disappointed. He shrugged off the unfamiliar queasy feeling.<\/p>\n

\u201cSure.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The slowly spreading light cast by the sun enabled Adam to see well enough to hitch up the team and then tack up his own horse. He pulled Joe\u2019s gun out of his belt and fingered it for a moment as he wondered if he should give it back. But then he felt the sickening in his stomach that had sprung up last night when he\u2019d thought the gun would be pulled on him and that he would have to shoot back, and he put it in his saddle bags. Joe was just too skittish; Adam couldn\u2019t give it back to him and risk a gunfight. Because he knew Joe would lose.<\/p>\n

Adam leaned against his horse, allowing himself a moment of weakness as the weight of his responsibility threatened to crush him. He didn\u2019t know what he was supposed to do. For so long his life had been clear cut: pick a man, find him, bring him in, move on to the next one. Now here he was in this knotted mess, needing some way to get through to the little brother that he barely knew and at the same time trying to get back the land that was in his blood.<\/p>\n

\u201cI can\u2019t do this, Pa.\u201d he murmured. He wished once again that his father could hear him. Even if he didn\u2019t answer, just to know that he was listening would somehow make it easier.<\/p>\n

His horse, tired of supporting Adam\u2019s weight, shifted over, and Adam straightened. He pushed his shoulders back and fitted an unwavering look on his face like a shield.<\/p>\n

He kept up the appearance of being in control through their makeshift breakfast during which he realized that they were going to have to stop for supplies. He had only brought enough food for himself and Tom and hadn\u2019t counted on having twice the number of people.<\/p>\n

\u201cWe\u2019ve got enough to make it to Yreka, right?\u201d he asked Hoss. His brother had somehow unobtrusively taken over the cooking for the trip.<\/p>\n

\u201cPlenty.\u201d Hoss answered. He pulled himself up into the driver\u2019s seat of the wagon.<\/p>\n

\u201cI can drive, Hoss.\u201d Adam said.<\/p>\n

\u201cThe way I see it, with as little sleep as you go last night, you\u2019ll be nodding off in about an hour. I\u2019ll drive.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam crossed his arms, a small smile playing at the edges of his cheeks. \u201cHow do you know how much sleep I got?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cJust a hunch.\u201d Hoss gathered up the reins.<\/p>\n

Adam glanced in the back of the wagon where Joe and Tom were getting comfortable. There would be plenty of farms in the Horn Brook area once they got over the border, and he didn\u2019t know just how widespread the Finch\u2019s influence was. Better to be safe than sorry.<\/p>\n

\u201cIn the trunk, Tom.\u201d He said as he easily swung up into the wagon.<\/p>\n

\u201cNo way.\u201d Tom crossed his arms in a daring gesture. Adam inwardly groaned. Now that his \u2018buddy\u2019 was here, it looked like Tom was going to be unmanageable.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m not risking you being recognized.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t care if I\u2019m recognized.\u201d Tom snapped.<\/p>\n

\u201cNo, I didn\u2019t think you would. But I do.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHe\u2019s not riding in there.\u201d Joe suddenly swung to the side of his friend, and Adam felt the sudden urge to wring both of their necks. He wanted to rub away the tension between his eyes, but he knew better than to show any sign of weakness. Instead he hooked his hands inside his belt and affected a careless look.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou don\u2019t have a choice, Tom.\u201d He ignored Joe for the moment. \u201cOr rather you do. Conscious or unconscious, you can get into that trunk.\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe stepped between them, forcing Adam\u2019s eyes to meet his. \u201cJust try to hit him. See what happens.\u201d He hissed.<\/p>\n

\u201cIf last night was a demonstration of your fighting skills then I already know what will happen.\u201d Adam replied.<\/p>\n

Joe drew himself up, but Hoss\u2019 voice cut through the thick air between them.<\/p>\n

\u201cAdam, just let him ride in the back, and if we see anyone he can duck down.\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe raised his eyebrows, and Adam figured it was the best he was going to get. \u201cFine.\u201d He said. He settled against the side of the wagon. So much for a nap. He probably wouldn\u2019t have been able to sleep anyway, but now all hopeful illusions were shattered. Joe sat across from him and next to Tom, glowering despite the fact that he\u2019d won.<\/p>\n

Adam forced himself not to keep his hand by his gun. He didn\u2019t think Joe would try anything, and it would probably only agitate him further, but it was hard to ignore fourteen years worth of instincts. He tipped his head back against the seat and let his eyes shut slightly as the movement jostled him from side to side, his body slowly relaxing even is his mind was still alert and attentive.<\/p>\n

Joe studied Adam\u2019s face beneath the brim of his hat. It was a hard face, like the stone slab of a headstone, and revealing nothing about what lay beneath it. But now with his eyes half closed, a sort of softness crept into it, and Joe struggled to place the face in his memory. Maybe he was trying too hard because all he came up with was blankness.<\/p>\n

\u201cHey, Joe, you want to come and sit up front here to balance out the seat a little? It\u2019s tipping something fierce.\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe looked up at Hoss. Another face he couldn\u2019t remember. He stood and climbed over the seat to sit next to the larger man.<\/p>\n

\u201cMuch better.\u201d Hoss said. \u201c\u2018Course, you\u2019re not much of a counterweight with how small you are. What did those Finches feed you anyway? You ain\u2019t much bigger \u2018n two licks. Still, I reckon you know how to use your weight with the way you took Adam on last night. I would\u2019ve expected a much shorter fight than what you gave him.\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe remained silent and let Hoss ramble while his own thoughts took him far from the road. He came back to attention when Hoss pulled the wagon to a stop.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat it is?\u201d Adam asked.<\/p>\n

\u201cTime to water the horses. Give me a hand, Joe.\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe jumped down, grateful for the chance to stretch his legs after several hours of sitting. He reached down to unhook the traces from the wagon and found that his hand wouldn\u2019t grasp the chain. His knuckles had swollen so much that he could barely close his hand at all. He gritted his teeth and struggled to slide it free.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ll get that, Joe. You get the riding horses.\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe almost said that he was fine and could do it, but he knew he couldn\u2019t. He went to the back of the wagon, untied his and Adam\u2019s horses, and led them down to the stream by the road while Hoss brought the team down. After they\u2019d drunk, he started to lead them back up, but Hoss put a hand on his shoulder.<\/p>\n

\u201cLet me look at those knuckles of yours.\u201d It wasn\u2019t a suggestion.<\/p>\n

Joe dropped the reins and let Hoss lead him back to the riverbank. Hoss pulled a bandana out of his pocket, wet it, and began to carefully wipe away the dried blood and dirt. Joe tried not to wince from the pressure of the bandana on his tender skin.<\/p>\n

\u201cSo what\u2019d you do? Beat up a porcupine?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cA tree.\u201d Joe mumbled.<\/p>\n

\u201cHmm.\u201d There was no condemnation in his grunt, but Joe felt irritation rise anyway, and he almost pulled his hand away. But despite the pain, the cool water on his inflamed hands felt good, as well as the warm contact of Hoss holding his wrist in a gentle way that Joe wouldn\u2019t have thought possible for such large, rough hands.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ll wrap these when we stop for lunch.\u201d Hoss said. \u201cFor now try to keep \u2018em clean.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cShouldn\u2019t be too hard considering I\u2019ll be sitting in a wagon. I can\u2019t really get dirty there.\u201d<\/p>\n

Hoss let out a snorting laugh.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat?\u201d Joe asked.<\/p>\n

\u201cI just remembered something is all.\u201d Hoss\u2019 eyes sparkled like the stream they were standing beside. \u201cOne of Pa\u2019s rancher friends was getting married, and we were all dressed up for the ceremony. It took Ma and Pa hours to get us cleaned up and ready. I don\u2019t remember why, but for some reason Pa left you and I out in the wagon for a minute. Not much longer than a minute anyway. I guess he figured we couldn\u2019t get into any trouble in that space of time. But when he came back out, we were both off the wagon making mud pies and dirty from head to toe.\u201d He laughed again, and Joe felt his face break into a slight grin, like the sun peering through the clouds.<\/p>\n

\u201cDid you get in trouble?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh, he probably tanned me a good one. Guess I deserved it.\u201d Hoss shook his head at the memory.<\/p>\n

Joe\u2019s smile faded slightly and he went back to get the now grazing horses.<\/p>\n

\u201cJoe?\u201d Hoss asked worriedly.<\/p>\n

\u201cNothing. Better get back up there before Adam hollers at us for wasting time.\u201d Joe walked up the hill to the road. The moment of connection was gone, broken by the emptiness in his gut. He wished he could remember something, anything. He tied the horses and climbed back into the wagon next to Hoss. Somehow he didn\u2019t think Hoss had wanted him to balance out the seat when he\u2019d asked him to sit up here. He glanced at his brother as he took the reins and slapped them down on the horses\u2019 backs.<\/p>\n

\u201cHey\u2026 thanks. For telling that story to me.\u201d He said.<\/p>\n

Hoss\u2019 face broke into that grin once more, the one that Joe was unable to resist smiling back at.<\/p>\n

\u201cNo problem, little brother.\u201d<\/p>\n

The drove on in silence, and as the wagon rocked and rattled, Hoss watched Joe\u2019s eyes slowly start to drift shut and his chin fall closer and closer to his chest until it simply rested there, jittering back and forth slightly with the motion. A slight snore came from beneath his hat. Hoss was glad; he figured his little brother hadn\u2019t gotten much sleep either, though he wasn\u2019t sure why. He had sensed last night that there was something more than the current situation that had been bothering him. But it was no good prying, or trying to squeeze blood from rock, as Jim would say.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou can lead a horse to water, but you can\u2019t make him drink.\u201d Another saying, one that Jim would characteristically add on the end, \u201cBut you can run him around until he\u2019s thirsty enough.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

True, they couldn\u2019t make Joe want to be with them, but maybe just being here was enough to make him thirsty enough to stick around.<\/p>\n

I sure could use your help right now, Jim. Hoss thought. From the moment they\u2019d met, Jim had been a man he relied heavily on.<\/p>\n

\u201cPa?\u201d He\u2019d heard a voice that had pulled him out of his unconscious state, not as deep as his Pa\u2019s, but still caring enough for him to make the comparison.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cEasy now.\u201d A gentle hand stopped him from sitting up. \u201cYou\u2019ve got quite a bump there.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cWhere am I?\u201d As Hoss realized that the voice didn\u2019t belong to his Pa, the fear that had been pursuing him since he\u2019d heard the chanting and the hoof beats returned.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019re safe. Now why don\u2019t you tell me your name and what you\u2019re doing out in these parts? Where\u2019s your family?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cDead.\u201d The word was branded into Hoss mind. He looked up suddenly as hope leaped up inside him. \u201cAm I in heaven?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cNo, boy. You\u2019re very much alive.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

Hoss looked down. If he was alive and everyone else was dead, that meant he couldn\u2019t be with them. Two hot tears landed on the brown blanket that covered him.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cHow did you get out here?\u201d a hand supported his back, and Hoss looked up into a pair of grey eyes peering out over a grey mustache and beard. Everything about him seemed grey, but not like the gloomy grey of winter, more like the strong grey of a storm cloud.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cI thought I was going to be with them. We were riding down the road, and then\u2026\u201d The stillness of the cabin was drowned out by the ringing war cries of the Indians who had swooped down upon them. He\u2019d felt himself falling as the man had spun his horse, and for a moment he\u2019d been stunned on the impact; then he\u2019d gotten up and run as if the Indians were demons on his tail. For some reason they hadn\u2019t chased him; but he could still hear the screams of the man as they dragged him from his horse. Hoss hadn\u2019t looked back; he\u2019d kept running, gasping for breath, his boots flapping on his bare feet. He must have tripped\u2026 he couldn\u2019t remember anything else.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s alright, lad. You don\u2019t have to talk about it.\u201d The man rubbed Hoss\u2019 back as he gave in to several days\u2019 worth of stress in tears.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cWhat\u2019s your name anyway?\u201d the man asked when Hoss\u2019 sobs had subsided.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cHoss.\u201d Hoss mumbled gently.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cHoss, eh? A name for a mountain man.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

Hoss rubbed at his eyes. \u201cWhat do I do now?\u201d he waited for an answer. This man was an adult; he would know what to do. The man stroked his grey beard thoughtfully.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m headed up to the wilderness; it\u2019s no place for a child.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m a big child.\u201d Hoss protested. He didn\u2019t want to leave this sudden source of comfort as soon as he\u2019d found him. And it wasn\u2019t like he had anything to return home to.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cTrue, but it\u2019s hard work and hard country. Still\u2026\u201d He had taken Hoss in silently for a moment while Hoss held his breath. \u201cI reckon I can make a mountain man out of you. You\u2019ve got the name anyway.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

Somehow life had seemed simpler in the mountains, and when Jim had died, he hadn\u2019t left. But while being alone made life easier, Hoss figured he would rather be here in this mess, caught between two brothers who were more ornery than a pair of mules, than back on the mountain.<\/p>\n

Adam stood up behind him, his knees bent to absorb the motion of the wagon.<\/p>\n

\u201cSomething wrong?\u201d Hoss asked.<\/p>\n

\u201cJust stretching.\u201d<\/p>\n

Hoss figured that meant he was trying not to fall asleep. The motion of a wagon was good at lulling people into a doze before they realized it. \u201cWe can stop for lunch if you want; let the horses rest.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s a little early. I can wait another couple of hours.\u201d<\/p>\n

Hoss shook his head and wondered if Adam had always been this combination of stubborn and practical.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou want to drive?\u201d he asked.<\/p>\n

\u201cOnly if you think we can manage to switch places without disturbing him.\u201d He glanced at Joe, whose hat had tumbled off his bowed head to the floorboards of the wagon. A small, soft smile spread over Adam\u2019s face.<\/p>\n

\u201cI used to watch him sleep you know.\u201d He said quietly. \u201cI\u2019d slip into his room and watch his chest rise and fall as he breathed. It always seemed like a miracle to me, that this tiny little person was really alive. His fist was no bigger than this.\u201d Adam made a circle with his thumb and forefinger. \u201cHe\u2019d latch onto my finger and stare up at me like I was a giant, and I\u2019d stare down at him wondering how a person could be so small. I remember when you were born, I asked Pa if I\u2019d been that small, and he told me I was smaller. I couldn\u2019t get it into my mind, just like I couldn\u2019t get it into my mind that you would actually grow up and get bigger until you became a person like me.\u201d He shook his head, clearing his mind of the memories like a dog shakes after coming out of a lake.<\/p>\n

\u201cAre we stopping soon?\u201d Tom called from the back. \u201cI\u2019m hungry, and these ropes are too tight.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam refrained from saying the dozens of nasty comments that leaped into his head and simply sat back down.<\/p>\n

\u201cSoon.\u201d He said.<\/p>\n

~*~<\/p>\n

When they stopped for the night, Joe wasn\u2019t allowed to get firewood because Hoss didn\u2019t want him getting his freshly bandaged hands dirty, so he brooded around the clearing they\u2019d stopped at while Hoss built the fire and Adam brought him wood. Tom remained tied in the wagon, and Joe drifted over to him.<\/p>\n

\u201cHow you doing?\u201d he asked<\/p>\n

\u201cAs if you care. Getting all cozy with your new family, Joe?\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe bristled. \u201cAnd if I am? You yourself said I didn\u2019t owe you anything.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI said you didn\u2019t owe us your employment for the rest of your life, not that you didn\u2019t owe our friendship a little help in trouble.\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe exhaled. Just when he\u2019d felt like he\u2019d been able to rise above everything, there was the knot, pulling him back down with a thump.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019re right. But I\u2019m doing all I can.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cRiding as shotgun guard with the people who kidnapped me is really helping right now.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cLook, I sent a telegram to your father telling you where you were.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhen?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAshton.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIs he on his way?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHow should I know?\u201d Joe snapped.<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd when he comes, who are you going to side with, Joe? You know my Pa; he\u2019ll take what he wants with his fists or his gun. I don\u2019t think your \u2018brother\u2019 over there will let me go that easily.\u201d<\/p>\n

His stomach churned as he realized Tom was right. They were headed straight for a fight; sooner or later he was going to have to pick a side.<\/p>\n

\u201cDon\u2019t you think you owe me more than those people who abandoned you? You didn\u2019t even know them until last night. Do you really think they would have told you that sob story unless you had shown up on my side? They just needed you against me; otherwise they wouldn\u2019t have bothered with you. It\u2019s not like they really care.\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe glanced across the clearing at Hoss and Adam. Part of him wanted to disagree and part of him knew that he was right; people used each other; even the Finches did it from time to time. You could always be certain that a man had his own interests first in his mind, and he\u2019d only worry about yours if his were in order. It was a lesson that had been beaten into him, first by his Pa, who he was not at all sad to realize actually wasn\u2019t his Pa, and then by angry miners who needed a place to vent. Joe could still feel their fists lashing down on his body, not because they were mad at him, but because they were mad in general and he was smaller than they were. He went over to the horses and began rubbing them down, hoping that the activity would clear his head. He scowled when Adam stepped beside him.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat did he say to you?\u201d Adam asked.<\/p>\n

\u201cNone of your business.\u201d Joe snapped.<\/p>\n

Adam sighed. So he was still the enemy. At least Hoss was having progress. He went over and dropped the firewood on the ground.<\/p>\n

\u201cShould be enough.\u201d Hoss said.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou got that going fast.\u201d Adam watched the flames leap up to lick the fresh wood.<\/p>\n

\u201cYears of practice, big brother. You know, I guess it makes sense that I\u2019d be a mountain man, what with my name and all.\u201d Hoss had been hoping the comment would lighten Adam\u2019s dark mood, but it seemed to only make him withdraw farther inside his thoughts.<\/p>\n

\u201cMaybe.\u201d Adam said. \u201cHoss is a mountain man, Adam committed the first crime and was banished from his home as a result,\u201d He raised his eyes to where Joe was rubbing down the horses, \u201cand Joseph was scorned by his brothers and forced into a life of exile.\u201d<\/p>\n

Hoss cleared his throat. \u201cWell, I guess the similarity ends with me.\u201d<\/p>\n

Instantly the pensive, brooding look was gone, and Adam returned to the present instead of the distant dreamland he\u2019d been in. \u201cI guess you\u2019re right.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHey!\u201d Tom shouted. \u201cYou know I\u2019m getting tired of constantly being tied up. How about a little stretch?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSorry.\u201d Adam really wasn\u2019t, and another thought about names came to mind as Tom glanced across at Joe and raised his eyebrows as if saying \u2018see?\u2019. Joe looked down and away.<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd Thomas created doubt.\u201d He murmured. Then he turned back to Hoss. \u201cJoe and I will ride into Yreka to get supplies once we get close enough; you and Tom wait until we get back and then we\u2019ll go around it.\u201d<\/p>\n

Hoss\u2019 brow wrinkled in concern. \u201cAre you sure?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI can\u2019t leave him here; he\u2019s too unpredictable, and it would be two against one.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cMaybe I should go.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam shook his head. \u201cI\u2019ll be alright. Who knows, maybe if we\u2019re alone away from Tom he\u2019ll actually talk to me.\u201d Wishful thinking maybe, but you never knew. He went to untie Tom so the boy could eat, making sure that his gun was loose in its holster before he cut the ropes.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Joe studied both of his brothers in the flickering light of their fire that night. They were only a few miles outside of Yreka, but they\u2019d arrived too late to go into town and get supplies, so they\u2019d made camp. Joe had stiffened when Adam had informed him that they would be the ones to go into town the next morning.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhy?\u201d he had asked.<\/p>\n

\u201cDoes there have to be a reason?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI get the feeling that with you everything has a reason.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam shrugged. \u201cYou and I are the two with horses, so we\u2019ll be the ones who ride in.\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe didn\u2019t think that was the reason, but he didn\u2019t say it. Let Adam have his sneaky plans and hidden meanings.<\/p>\n

Now he watched shadows from the fire dance lightly across Adam\u2019s face and wished again that he could remember this man. Part of him writhed under his careful planning and firm control, but another part admired him for it. This was a man who would never back down. Joe just wished they could be on the same side.<\/p>\n

He stood and stretched; his legs were still cramped from the long wagon ride. As he walked, he found himself drifting over to where Hoss was rubbing down the horses.<\/p>\n

\u201cJust checking up on them before we turn in.\u201d Hoss said as Joe drew near. \u201cWant to make sure they don\u2019t need nothin\u2019.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd I suppose they would tell you if they did.\u201d Joe said with a small grin.<\/p>\n

\u201cThey would. They can talk, Joe; most people just don\u2019t take the time to listen.\u201d He rubbed Adam\u2019s gelding on the shoulder. \u201cSometimes I think they have more sense than us humans.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI might have to agree with that.\u201d Joe muttered.<\/p>\n

Hoss caught the bitterness in his tone and debated whether or not he should pursue it.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou know, Adam\u2019s caught in as much of a pickle as you are.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHow\u2019s that?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHe\u2019s caught between you and that Finch boy just like you\u2019re caught between him and Adam.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHe could choose to end everything and let Tom go.\u201d Joe insisted.<\/p>\n

\u201cCould he?\u201d<\/p>\n

The way he asked the question stopped Joe from blurting out a yes. Hoss finished rubbing down Adam\u2019s horse and began to walk back to the fire.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou don\u2019t know him, Hoss.\u201d Joe called softly. \u201cNeither of us do.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019re right.\u201d Hoss answered. \u201cWe don\u2019t.\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe glanced at the horses. \u201cWhat would you do?\u201d he muttered. The horse raised its head, and Joe turned to see Adam. His face instantly hardened by habit.<\/p>\n

Adam stopped and stood where he was, hands hooked over his gun belt. \u201cLook, I\u2019m sorry about this morning, Joe.\u201d He finally said.<\/p>\n

Joe\u2019s eyes narrowed. Was he apologizing because he meant it or because he needed to keep Joe on his good side?<\/p>\n

\u201cLook, I know he\u2019s your friend, but he\u2019s also my responsibility.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou chose it.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam ran a hand through his hair, sensing that he wasn\u2019t making any progress. There was no reasoning with someone who was dead set to disagree with you.<\/p>\n

\u201cI just wanted to say sorry.\u201d He said.<\/p>\n

Joe shrugged. \u201cDoesn\u2019t matter.\u201d He turned back to the horses, but Adam didn\u2019t leave. Joe tried to ignore the man staring at the back of his head, but finally he couldn\u2019t.<\/p>\n

\u201cAnything else?\u201d he asked without turning around.<\/p>\n

\u201cSorry.\u201d Adam said. \u201cI was just\u2026 I spent a lot of time wondering what you and Hoss would look like when you grew up. Back before I knew you were alive. It\u2019s just nice to see you in front of me instead of in my head.\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe remained facing the horses, but he heard the grass rustle under Adam\u2019s feet as his brother walked away. He waited several moments before he allowed his shoulders to slump down from the rigidness they\u2019d set themselves into.<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, what do you think?\u201d he asked Adam\u2019s horse. He wished that the animal could talk and could tell him if Adam was being honest or just playing him like a fiddle.<\/p>\n

People always look out for their own interests. It was the way they were. Joe rubbed the horse\u2019s forelock between his fingers and considered all the tales this horse could tell him, stories of Adam\u2019s gun shooting again and again, of people dying. He couldn\u2019t trust Adam. He couldn\u2019t trust anybody. That was the way it had been all his life, and it was the way it would always be.<\/p>\n

~*~<\/p>\n

The next morning Adam and Joe mounted their horses without saying a word. For a moment Adam considered changing his mind and letting Hoss go with Joe, but he squeezed his heels into his horse, and Joe followed. Hoss stared at them as they rode away with more than a little concern burrowing into his stomach. Those two chaffed against each other something fierce, and he didn\u2019t know if them being alone together was a good idea.<\/p>\n

They rode into town in silence, and when they got there, Joe dismounted and tied his horse next to Adam\u2019s along the hitching post. Then he promptly turned and walked down the street away from the mercantile. He wasn\u2019t in town to buy food; he was in town to buy a weapon.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhere are you going?\u201d Adam asked.<\/p>\n

Joe continued walking and didn\u2019t look back. \u201cTo get a gun.\u201d He said. Let Adam try to stop him; he was tired of feeling like a pointless underling.<\/p>\n

Adam caught up to him in three strides \u2013 quite impressive since Joe was walking at a clip. He didn\u2019t slow down though and then pulled away when Adam put a hand on his shoulder to stop him.<\/p>\n

\u201cJoe\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t need you telling me what to do.\u201d Joe snapped. \u201cI\u2019ve gotten along quite well my entire life without you, and I don\u2019t see the need to change anything now.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam was taken aback for a moment, but he quickly recovered. \u201cWell that\u2019s too bad because it\u2019s going to change.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhy? Because you need to be in control? Or because you need me out of the way so you can get what you want?\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam\u2019s eyes narrowed. So that\u2019s what Tom had been whispering in Joe\u2019s ear. \u201cYou can\u2019t believe everything someone tells you. Especially someone who\u2019s trying to use you himself.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAs far as I\u2019m concerned, you\u2019re the only one who\u2019s using anyone. But I\u2019m through with you trying to control everything.\u201d People were starting to stare, but he didn\u2019t take any notice; he kept walking as fast as he could, wishing he could leave Adam in the dust.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m in charge of this; you said yourself you were just along for the ride.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd aren\u2019t you glad of that.\u201d Joe stopped walking and spun around. \u201cAfter this whole thing is over, I\u2019ll disappear and we can go back to our lives: me as a horse breaker and you as a hired murderer.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam clenched his fists but somehow managed to keep from lashing out. Still, Joe had to have known he\u2019d scored a point.<\/p>\n

\u201cHow many people have you killed, Adam?\u201d he persisted. \u201cJust because they\u2019re wanted men doesn\u2019t mean they\u2019re not still people.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019re walking a line, Joe. Just decide which side you want to be on.\u201d He said.<\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t even want to be a part of this.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cToo late.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cStop acting like this is all part of your big plan! You think you can control me?\u201d Joe raged. \u201cYou can\u2019t; you have no right. Any more than you have the right to drag someone away from their home just so you can get some land.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cEven if the person has a legal obligation?\u201d Adam demanded. His eyes glittered like ice as Joe\u2019s sparked and crackled.<\/p>\n

\u201cAs if you care about that. It\u2019s just your justification for doing whatever you want to get whatever you want. You don\u2019t care who gets hurt. You probably never cared about anyone in your life.\u201d<\/p>\n

The fist came out of nowhere and knocked Joe backwards into the dirt. He moved to jump up, but Adam\u2019s voice held him down.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ve cared more deeply about someone than you could ever possibly hope to understand after having lived among shallow people like your \u2018friends\u2019 the Finches.\u201d His tone was low and dangerous, like a wolf whose growl was overshadowed by its bristling hair and glowering yellow eyes. Joe couldn\u2019t move as Adam turned and walked away. Then, as if a spell was broken, he was able to get to his feet.<\/p>\n

\u201cTom Finch is more of a brother to me than you could ever be!\u201d He yelled. Adam stopped, but this time it was Joe\u2019s turn to walk away. He listened for Adam\u2019s following footsteps, but there were none.<\/p>\n

He walked around without even seeing where he was going and somehow ended up at the saloon. He pushed through the swinging doors, and for a moment he stood in the doorway. The saloon was empty except for a few poker players, and he let the silence bathe his mind of his anger; then he went to the bar and got a beer. He made his way to the corner and took a seat. Normally Joe preferred to be in the center of the room, right in the middle of things, but for some reason he was drawn to the fringes. For once he didn\u2019t want to lose himself in a crowd; he wanted to observe and let the wheels of his mind, which were clashing against each other, simmer down until they could slowly begin to turn again.<\/p>\n

Three beers later, the clashing had subsided to a gentle hum, and Joe felt both better and worse. Better because he could barely feel the tips of his fingers, which was a novel experience in itself, and worse because he was no longer just mad at Adam, he was mad at himself now too. Mad for losing his temper, mad for actually believing that he had a shot at having a family, and mad for not walking away from all of them, including Tom, when he\u2019d had the chance. Well, he was walking away now, and with a vengeance. Joe slammed his empty beer mug down on the table and called for another one. The bartender gave it to him along with a sympathetic glance at the young man getting drunk so early in the day, which Joe missed completely. He lifted the amber liquid to his lips and discovered another reason to be mad. He\u2019d always promised himself he would never sink down to his father\u2019s level, and now here he was, drinking away his problems because once the numbness got past your fingertips and made its way to the rest of your body, you were sure not to hurt as much anymore.<\/p>\n

At least now he could understand his Pa a little better anyway. Sometimes oblivion was the best gift you could give yourself. He took another swallow and had a vision of himself riding back to the line shack and staying there like his Pa had stayed at his shack, not really living, just existing and counting the minutes until the next drink, alternating between angry, painful sobriety and blissful drunkenness. He would get a wife who would work, bring home booze, and holler at him for being a lazy bum and a kid that wasn\u2019t his own to beat up on. Life would be grand.<\/p>\n

Joe picked up his mug and eyed it with suspicion. Just what was in there that was making his mind go this crazy?<\/p>\n

\u201cJoe?\u201d<\/p>\n

There was a familiar voice hovering over him, but Joe couldn\u2019t place the person or where the voice was coming from. He looked up vaguely and saw two people who looked exactly alike standing behind him. Joe frowned. Twins?<\/p>\n

\u201cJoe, what are you doing here?\u201d<\/p>\n

Funny, they seemed to move in tandem too. But at least Joe recognized one of them.<\/p>\n

\u201cDidn\u2019t know you had a twin, Jesse.\u201d His lips sluggishly responded to his mind, and his hand jerked slightly as he waved toward the empty seat. \u201cWant a beer?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI think you\u2019ve had enough, Joe. What happened? Where\u2019s Tom?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWith that stuck up\u2026 no good\u2026 arro\u2026 arroga\u2026\u201d Joe couldn\u2019t remember what he\u2019d been trying to say. What had Jesse asked him? Suddenly there were no longer two Jesses, instead there were four.<\/p>\n

\u201cHow you do that?\u201d he mumbled.<\/p>\n

\u201cDo what?\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe waved a hand, but when he looked at it, it seemed like he was seeing someone else\u2019s hand. Having something to focus on suddenly helped Joe to realize what Jesse wanted.<\/p>\n

\u201cWith th\u2019other two. Come on.\u201d Joe stood and then the room tipped over and threw him down with as much disdain as an old woman shooing a cat off her porch. Joe barely noticed hitting the floor or the fist that gripped the back of his jacket and hauled him out the door. Then the light hit his eyes like shattered glass an instant before his head was shoved into lukewarm water. He came up spluttering, and suddenly only one Jesse stood before him. Joe jerked away and then gripped the hitching post as he nearly fell right back into the water trough.<\/p>\n

\u201cWill you tell me what\u2019s going on now?\u201d Jesse snapped. Too loud. Joe didn\u2019t know whether to shield his eyes from the blinding light or his ears from Jesse\u2019s near shouts. He settled for covering his whole face with his hand and slumping to the ground.<\/p>\n

\u201cHe\u2019s with the other two who took him.\u201d Joe answered. Somehow talking encouraged the hammers, which were trying to find nails in his head, to an even greater persistence. \u201cWhat are you doing here?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWe got your telegram, so Pa sent me ahead while he waited for Carl. They should be here soon, within the morning I\u2019d say. Joe, why didn\u2019t you do anything?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s\u2026 complicated.\u201d Joe wanted to crawl into a hole and die. He mentally snorted. Complicated. The situation really had grown to proportions beyond that word. His scowl made him wince as pain traveled through his face and into his skull, and he cradled his head in his hands apologetically.<\/p>\n

\u201cCome on, Joe. Where is he?\u201d Jesse pressed.<\/p>\n

\u201cHe\u2019s not gonna let Tom go without a fight.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWho\u2019s not?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAdam. My brother.\u201d Joe didn\u2019t raise his head from his hands. He felt like if he so much as shifted he would be sick.<\/p>\n

\u201cYour brother?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cPretty much.\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe could almost hear Jesse thinking. He\u2019d always been the thinker, the quiet one who spoke up after everyone had gotten into a mess and then came up with a flawless plan to get them out.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhere is he? Your brother, I mean?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhy?\u201d Joe was suddenly wary. Sure, he wouldn\u2019t mind knocking the living daylights out of Adam, but that didn\u2019t mean he wanted someone else to.<\/p>\n

\u201cI just want to keep him around until Pa gets here. Maybe we can talk to him, see what he wants.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cFifty thousand dollars. It\u2019s for that man Tom got a job with.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cRight. Pa can pay him and we\u2019ll be on our way with Tom. Just point him out to me.\u201d<\/p>\n

For a moment Joe considered not telling Jesse. Didn\u2019t it break some sort of brother code? But when he raised his head he nearly lost the contents of his stomach, and he remembered why he\u2019d been drinking in the first place. He could still feel the power of Adam\u2019s fist as it had collided with his jaw. He didn\u2019t know why it bothered him so much; he\u2019d been hit before. But something about it ripped into his chest in an unfamiliar way. Joe lifted a hand to point.<\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s his horse across the street. He was getting supplies, should be out soon.\u201d<\/p>\n

Jesse clapped Joe on the back. \u201cThanks. Come on, we can wait over there; there\u2019s some chairs.\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe shook his head and then wished he didn\u2019t. \u201cYou want to talk to Adam, you go ahead. I\u2019m going find somewhere to sleep.\u201d He was done with Adam, and the Finches, and the Cartwrights, at least for a few hours until his head stopped threatening to squeeze itself into a tiny ball.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou go on then. I\u2019d better stay out here and keep watch.\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe nodded and stood. \u201cNo need to help; I got it.\u201d<\/p>\n

He staggered over to the hotel and glared at the bell at the empty desk. He would not ring it. But he wanted to lie down, and there was no one around. Joe raised his hand and braced himself. The sharply pitched ding made him wince, and a man came over.<\/p>\n

\u201cCan I help you?\u201d His voice boomed in Joe\u2019s head.<\/p>\n

\u201cA room.\u201d Joe whispered.<\/p>\n

When he finally collapsed on the soft bed, and his head was able to enjoy the bliss of the feather pillows, he thought once more about his conversation with Jesse. Maybe he should go and keep an eye on him. Jesse wasn\u2019t prone to violence, but Mr. Finch and Carl were coming.<\/p>\n

Joe mentally shrugged since he couldn\u2019t physically. Adam could take care of himself, and if Carl gave him a black eye it would serve him right.<\/p>\n

~*~<\/p>\n

\u201cIs that everything?\u201d the shopkeeper asked.<\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s everything.\u201d Adam went outside and started putting the food into his saddle bags. Then he stopped. Joe\u2019s horse was still here. Adam had been certain he would have gone back to camp or just left altogether. He finished packing away the supplies, but instead of mounting, he took off at a walk through the town. If Joe was here, he was going to find him. Arguing was one thing, but lashing out with a fist\u2026 that was unforgiveable, no matter what Joe had said. For all his swagger and maturity, Joe was still just a kid struggling to figure out where he fit, and Adam figured he hadn\u2019t scored many points toward his side of things. Hopefully he could make it up to him.<\/p>\n

\u201cHey, mister.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam turned at the voice and then froze as he instantly recognized the young man on the saloon porch.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019re a Finch.\u201d He said.<\/p>\n

\u201cDarn straight. Jesse Finch.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat do you want?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cTo talk.\u201d The young man stepped forward. \u201cLet\u2019s go up to my hotel room where it\u2019s private.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo thanks.\u201d Adam turned to go, but the young man stepped in front of him.<\/p>\n

\u201cLet me rephrase.\u201d His voice was low and even. \u201cMy Pa\u2019s got your little brother upstairs, and if you don\u2019t follow me, he\u2019ll blow a hole through his head.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam felt like he\u2019d fallen into an icy lake. For a moment he was frozen, body numbed over as his mind raced to understand what he\u2019d just heard. Then he exhaled in defeat. \u201cLead the way.\u201d<\/p>\n

He followed Jesse into the hotel and upstairs. Jesse unlocked the door and stepped back so Adam could go in first.<\/p>\n

Adam surveyed the room. \u201cWhere\u2019s Joe?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI lied.\u201d Jesse said. Then he brought down his gun on the back of Adam\u2019s head.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Joe groaned as he woke up. The room was dark, and for a minute he thought it was night, but then he remembered that he\u2019d closed the curtains before passing out.<\/p>\n

What time is it? He wondered. He felt like he\u2019d been caught behind a stagecoach and dragged, but he managed to stagger to his feet and push back the curtain. At least the light was no longer threatening to murder him.<\/p>\n

The sun was about halfway through its downward journey to the horizon, so it was at least three. Joe reached for his hat and wondered if Mr. Finch and Carl were here and if they were still talking with Adam or if he\u2019d gone back. Maybe they\u2019d turned Tom over and left him behind. Joe didn\u2019t know if he would be happy or mad if they did.<\/p>\n

He found his horse right where he\u2019d left it. The animal glanced at him as if asking why he\u2019d been standing there all day. Joe tightened the girth and swung up, but the motion almost made him fall right back down. He gripped the saddle horn.<\/p>\n

\u201cJust a nice easy walk back to camp.\u201d He muttered.<\/p>\n

\u201cJoe!\u201d Hoss ran up to him when he arrived. \u201cIt took you long enough; I was getting worried. Where\u2019s Adam?\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe blinked. \u201cHow should I know? He didn\u2019t come back?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhy would he? He was with you.\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe shook his head, eyes closed. Clearly they were not on the same page.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat\u2019s wrong, Joe? You look terrible.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHelp me down.\u201d The ground seemed miles away, but Hoss\u2019 arms were mercifully solid as he helped Joe to dismount.<\/p>\n

\u201cSo Adam didn\u2019t come back?\u201d he asked again.<\/p>\n

\u201cHe hadn\u2019t been back since he left with you.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHe must still be with Jesse.\u201d But why so long? If Carl and Mr. Finch were due this morning, surely they would be done talking by now. Joe felt a cold hand squeeze his stomach.<\/p>\n

\u201cJesse?\u201d Tom called. \u201cJesse\u2019s here?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWho\u2019s Jesse?\u201d Hoss asked.<\/p>\n

\u201cHis brother. He wanted to talk to Adam when his Pa got here. But they should be done by now.\u201d Maybe they were delayed. But for some reason he couldn\u2019t convince himself of that.<\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t like this. Not one bit.\u201d Hoss muttered. \u201cJoe, where are they?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s fine, Hoss. They said they\u2019d talk and pay Adam and then Tom could go.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThen why is it taking so long?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHow should I know?\u201d A narrow edge of irritation crept into Joe\u2019s voice. \u201cMaybe they\u2019re drinking tea or discussing politics or something. It\u2019s none of my business.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s your family, Joe.\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe whirled to face Hoss. \u201cFamily?\u201d he spat the word. \u201cYou want to know what my experience with \u2018family\u2019 is? Not a day of my life went by where I didn\u2019t get some kind of a bruise from either my drunken father or my beat down mother. And when she died, he sent me to work at the mines when I was twelve, Hoss. Twelve! All because he didn\u2019t want to lose the income for his booze. He wouldn\u2019t even let the foreman pay me; he made sure he got it all.\u201d Joe took a deep breath as he suddenly realized that he\u2019d left himself wide open and vulnerable. \u201cJust don\u2019t\u2026 don\u2019t talk to me about family.\u201d<\/p>\n

Hoss was silent for a moment, and then his voice was soft when he spoke, like he was trying to calm spooked a horse. \u201cNot your father, Joe. Just the man you thought was your father. You ain\u2019t his son any more than you\u2019re a fish. You\u2019re a Cartwright.\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe slumped against a tree and let his head fall into his hands. \u201cWhat does that even mean?\u201d he mumbled through his palms. Then he felt a hand on his shoulder, firm and supporting. He closed his eyes and concentrated on the warmth of that hand.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt means you\u2019re a fighter, Joe. It means you stick by what\u2019s yours. And it means that yours\u2019ll stick by you.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t have anyone, Hoss. I\u2019m alone.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou ain\u2019t alone right now, are you?\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe took a deep breath and blinked eyelashes that were slightly damp. \u201cNo. I guess not.\u201d He looked up. \u201cSo in other words a Cartwright would go and check on Adam?\u201d An ironic smile crept over his face at the ridiculousness of the situation.<\/p>\n

\u201cWe\u2019ll both go.\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe shook his head. \u201cBetter just me.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDadburnit, Joe! I\u2019m gettin\u2019 tired of sitting around here while you two run around and get yourselves in trouble.\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe smiled slightly at his brother\u2019s sudden display. \u201cIf I show up with you, it\u2019ll put them on the defensive. Right now they think I\u2019m on their side.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThey probably shot your brother.\u201d Tom said. \u201cI would have.\u201d His eyes glittered at Joe like a snake\u2019s.<\/p>\n

Joe swallowed. \u201cThey\u2019d better not, at least not before I get the chance to go rounds with him. I still have a score to settle.\u201d He mounted. \u201cI\u2019ll be back.\u201d<\/p>\n

~*~<\/p>\n

There was a large, throbbing knot on the back of his head. Adam went to reach up to rub it, but he couldn\u2019t move his arms. They were tied behind his back. He opened his eyes and found himself in a chair, arms and legs securely bound.<\/p>\n

Stupid.<\/p>\n

He refrained from struggling against the ropes and remained still, listening to the voices around him.<\/p>\n

\u201cJust how hard did you hit him anyway?\u201d one of them said. \u201cHe\u2019s been out for a while now.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cGuess I don\u2019t know my own strength.\u201d Adam recognized Jesse\u2019s voice.<\/p>\n

\u201cHe\u2019ll be awake soon enough.\u201d another voice joined the conversation, this one deeper and older.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat makes you think he\u2019ll talk?\u201d the first voice asked.<\/p>\n

\u201cHe\u2019ll talk.\u201d the lack of emotion in the voice sent a shiver up Adam\u2019s spine.<\/p>\n

\u201cPa\u2026\u201d the voice trailed off hesitantly.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s not your fault.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIsn\u2019t it?\u201d the two words spoke volumes in the otherwise silent room. Adam opened his eyes and for an instant he saw the bleakness on the man\u2019s face before it hardened.<\/p>\n

\u201cWelcome back.\u201d A voice said. Adam refused to allow himself the pleasure of glaring at the young man that had tricked him.<\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s not a very good way to start a relationship.\u201d He said. His voice was even and light, as if he was discussing the weather in a saloon. It was something he always enjoyed, being able to affect casualness when most men would be shaking and blubbering.<\/p>\n

\u201cWho says I want to have any kind of relationship with you?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cEasy.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam studied the man who stepped forward. He would have recognized him as Gideon Finch even if he hadn\u2019t seen him in his house. He had the blonde hair of his sons, even though it was fading to white as well as the ice blue eyes, and he carried himself with an air of authority that made him think of his own Pa for a minute. But then he dismissed the idea. His Pa had walked with a strength that had instantly demanded respect, while Finch seemed ready regard the dirt beneath him as his own property for stomping on.<\/p>\n

\u201cNow look son\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t think I\u2019m your son, sir.\u201d Adam interrupted.<\/p>\n

Finch eyed him like a tree he might like to cut down. \u201cAlright then, Adam, is it? Here\u2019s the thing, I want my son back, and since you seem to be responsible for taking him away, it only stands to reason that you ought to be the one who tells me where he is. So here\u2019s what\u2019s going to happen. You\u2019re going to tell me where my son is, and then we\u2019re going to get him and ride away, and you are not going to come after us.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDon\u2019t ever try to make a living as a fortune teller, Mr. Finch. You\u2019re terrible at it.\u201d<\/p>\n

A blow glanced across his face and made his head snap sideways.<\/p>\n

\u201cCome to think of it, you\u2019re not that great of a fighter either. Is that all you have?\u201d<\/p>\n

Another blow, but this one had some feeling behind it. Adam wished his hands were untied so he could reach up to feel the swelling under his eye.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhere is he?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cFifty thousand dollars would get me to talk a lot more than your fists.\u201d Adam focused on breathing deeply to battle the tightness in his stomach. He wondered how desperate they were, and then he wondered how determined he was to keep his mouth shut.<\/p>\n

I guess we\u2019ll find out. He decided. He wasn\u2019t letting go of the Ponderosa just because someone wanted to redecorate his face.<\/p>\n

\u201cTell me where he is, or you might not live to regret it.\u201d Mr. Finch hissed.<\/p>\n

Adam grinned up at him, a grin that defied the twisting in his stomach and the scowling of the Finches like a cat grins down at a dog. Only this time, Adam reflected, the tree was on fire. Still, he wasn\u2019t about to let them know they\u2019d gotten to him. \u201cShall we continue then?\u201d<\/p>\n

~*~<\/p>\n

Somehow a sense of urgency had taken hold of Joe as he rode back toward Yreka. He urged his horse on, no longer worried about keeling over. Something else had latched onto him and gave him the resolve to stay in the saddle.<\/p>\n

I don\u2019t want to see someone else die. He realized. Even if he didn\u2019t particularly like Adam, he knew enough to know that watching someone die, even someone who you think you hate, left you feeling empty, like last summer\u2019s apples rotting on the ground. That was how it had been when his Ma had died, or at least the woman who called herself that.<\/p>\n

She had been getting sicker and sicker, but He hadn\u2019t cared. He\u2019d just told her to stop whining and go to work so he could buy more liquor. They were almost out. Joe had noticed her looking more transparent each day, like a shred of paper getting thinner and thinner or a shadow shrinking back from the sun. It hadn\u2019t taken much of a push \u2013 He hadn\u2019t been sober enough to push her very hard anyway \u2013 to send her flying backwards. She\u2019d caught the edge of the rough table with the back of her head, and when Joe had lifted her up, his hand had come away sticky with blood. And even though he\u2019d never cared much about her, his tears had still dribbled off of his cheeks and fallen onto her cold ones. She had cursed at him, slapped him, scratched him, and spit on him, but Joe could remember her slipping him food when he\u2019d been sent to his room without supper, not because of anything he\u2019d done, but because the food needed to be stretched out a little more. Or the times when he\u2019d gotten a sedative from the doctor and she would slip it into his food so they could have a night in peace. They hadn\u2019t been friends, but they\u2019d been allies against Him.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cLo quise. Lo quise.\u201d She kept muttering over and over again until her voice had slipped away into silence. He\u2019d closed her eyes and held her there a moment longer.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cYou shouldn\u2019t have loved him.\u201d He told her empty body. Love meant relying on someone else, and you couldn\u2019t rely on anyone but yourself.<\/em><\/p>\n

He had buried her alone and had been astounded at the storminess of his emotions. Death brings emotions to the surface you never knew you had. As much as he wanted to have something besides hatred for Adam, he didn\u2019t want to discover it while looking at his corpse.<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam\u2019s neck was sore from the constant twisting, and his wrists had been rubbed raw from being jerked against the ropes. You wouldn\u2019t think he\u2019d notice that compared to the throbbing in his head and face. Also it was driving him mad that he couldn\u2019t reach up and wipe away the trickle of blood that was tickling his face as it slid down from below his eye.<\/p>\n

The things you notice. But he still managed to keep a taunting smirk on his face even though inwardly his mind was screaming at him to just give up. To shut the voice up, he put himself far away from the fists and the snapped questions of Finch, and the roped cutting into his wrists and let his mind drift to the Ponderosa. He wasn\u2019t letting go of her that easily.<\/p>\n

\u201cHe\u2019s not going to tell.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam heard the voice as if from far away.<\/p>\n

\u201cShut up, Jesse.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou should have just asked Joe instead of playing all this cat and mouse game.\u201d The older brother said.<\/p>\n

\u201cI didn\u2019t want to have any trouble from this one.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd you avoided it so nicely.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cEnough, both you boys.\u201d Finch paused and wiped the blood off the back of his hand. He lifted Adam\u2019s head and Adam saw him through swollen eyes. \u201cYou ready to talk now?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAbout what? Child rearing?\u201d Adam\u2019s lips were swollen and heavy. Another fist crashed into him, but he barely felt it. His entire face was numb and throbbing at the same time.<\/p>\n

\u201cPa! Look!\u201d Jesse called from the window. \u201cJoe just came into the hotel.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDid he now?\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam didn\u2019t like the sudden smirk on Finch\u2019s face. He nodded at his oldest son, and Carl slipped behind the door. Finch clapped a hand over Adam\u2019s mouth, and a moment later there was a knock at the door.<\/p>\n

\u201cJesse?\u201d Joe called.<\/p>\n

Adam struggled against Finch\u2019s hand. Get out of here, Joe!<\/em><\/p>\n

Jesse glanced at his father, hesitation written plainly on his face. Gabriel gave his son a stern look.<\/p>\n

\u201cCome on in.\u201d Jesse said.<\/p>\n

The door opened.<\/p>\n

\u201cJesse, is\u2026\u201d Joe froze as he saw Adam, and then Carl jumped out from behind the door and grabbed him, pressing his gun against Joe\u2019s neck. Mr. Finch released his hold on Adam and strode across the room to shut the door. When he turned, his face carried the smirk of a man who holds all the cards. He rubbed his palms together.<\/p>\n

\u201cAdam, you now have a choice.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam knew what he was going to say before he said it. He closed his eyes and pictured the Ponderosa stretching out before him like he was an eagle flying over it, a green rippling carpet beneath him. Then he opened them and stared into the green eyes of his brother.<\/p>\n

\u201cHe\u2019s about two miles north along the road.\u201d He said. Joe looked up incredulously, and Adam wondered if he\u2019d thought he would let him die.<\/p>\n

\u201cTie him up, Carl.\u201d Finch said.<\/p>\n

Carl dragged Joe over to a chair and pulled out more rope. Joe glared at them.<\/p>\n

\u201cGood and tight, Carl.\u201d He said. \u201cNot like that knot you tied that horse with that one time. Remember? You\u2019d just bought him for three hundred dollars. And who caught him?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cShut up, Joe.\u201d Carl jerked the rope, and Adam could see the turmoil on his face even if Joe couldn\u2019t. He didn\u2019t like this any more than the sick looking Jesse by the door. But their father\u2019s word was law.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou should\u2019ve stuck with me, Joe.\u201d Jesse said as they left. Then the door shut behind them.<\/p>\n

\u201cWell\u2026\u201d Joe began.<\/p>\n

\u201cShh.\u201d Adam\u2019s head was cocked and his eyes were closed. Joe frowned but didn\u2019t try to speak again. Finally Adam heard what he\u2019d been waiting for: hoof beats riding away.<\/p>\n

\u201cThey weren\u2019t very smart.\u201d He said. \u201cYou should never leave two people tied in the same room.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat are we\u2026\u201d Joe was cut off by Adam tipping his chair sideways on to the floor. He lay still tied to the chair, and twisted his head around to face Joe.<\/p>\n

\u201cAre you going to join me or just sit there staring?\u201d he asked.<\/p>\n

Joe mentally shrugged and jerked sideways. As he hit the floor, the chair smashed against the arm wrapped around it, and he let out a muffled yelp.<\/p>\n

\u201cWatch your arm when the chair hits it.\u201d Adam said.<\/p>\n

\u201cThanks.\u201d Joe hissed.<\/p>\n

Joe couldn\u2019t see Adam since he was behind him, but it sounded like he was trying to wriggle across the floor toward him. Joe shifted his head so that his face wasn\u2019t being pressed down into the carpet.<\/p>\n

\u201cThis hotel doesn\u2019t clean their floors very well.\u201d He said. \u201cIt\u2019s usually easier to clean carpet this cheap.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cToo bad their chairs aren\u2019t as cheap as their carpet.\u201d Adam grunted as he struggled to navigate across the floor. Almost there.<\/p>\n

\u201cHow did they get you tied up and everything like that anyway?\u201d Joe couldn\u2019t imagine Jesse overpowering his older brother.<\/p>\n

\u201cHe tricked me. Said you were up here.\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe scowled. \u201cSneaky, no good Finch.\u201d He muttered.<\/p>\n

\u201cSneaky, no good son of a Finch.\u201d Adam corrected. Joe\u2019s lips twitched.<\/p>\n

\u201cI didn\u2019t know you had a sense of humor.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWell I guess I didn\u2019t display it very well when I was knocking the sense out of you.\u201d Tiny rocks bit into Adam\u2019s arm as he moved. Joe was right; they didn\u2019t clean the carpet.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou weren\u2019t. I was just letting you get in a couple of good punches before I knocked you out.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cRight.\u201d Adam finally managed to line himself up with Joe so that they were back to back. \u201cOk, see if you can find the knot; my hands are too numb to do any untying right now.\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe\u2019s fingers felt around blindly behind him until he managed to brush against Adam\u2019s arm. He followed it down to his wrists and the rope around them. The knot was tight, made even more so by the constant jerking against it done by Adam. His fingers couldn\u2019t get a hold of it.<\/p>\n

\u201cI can\u2019t get it.\u201d He said.<\/p>\n

\u201cJust play with it.\u201d Adam said. \u201cFind a loop and work at it until it\u2019s loosened.\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe dug his fingernails into the rope and wiggled it back and forth. His index fingernail broke, and he started using his middle finger. Finally the loop was loose enough for him to pull with his fingers. His relief was short-lived as he realized that the knot wasn\u2019t any looser.<\/p>\n

\u201cI wish I could just see the thing.\u201d He muttered as he went to work on another loop. This time it was his thumb nail that broke, and he shifted to using his right hand. He freed the loop and then another one, and at last the whole knot slid apart as easily as if it had been cut. Adam winced as he rubbed his wrists and flexed his fingers then he untied his legs and then Joe\u2019s hands. Joe massaged his arm where the chair had been digging into it as Adam freed his legs.<\/p>\n

\u201cAre you ok?\u201d Adam asked.<\/p>\n

Joe stared at him incredulously. Adam was the one with blood running out of his lip and nose; why was he asking him if he was ok?<\/p>\n

\u201cFine.\u201d He said. \u201cYou?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSure. Come on; I don\u2019t think they\u2019ll be any nicer to Hoss.\u201d<\/p>\n

~*~<\/p>\n

Hoss couldn\u2019t make himself sit still. He stood and surveyed his work for the tenth time: Tom was in the trunk and the wagon was moved farther off the road to a spot that offered a clear view of anyone coming from either direction, and the fire put out. But he still couldn\u2019t help worrying, like an itch in the middle of his back. Tom glaring at him from behind those beady eyes of his didn\u2019t help either.<\/p>\n

He heard the sound of hoof beats and stood, putting a hand on his gun. It was three horses riding in, not one. At the most, there should only be two. Something had gone wrong, and that didn\u2019t bode well for Joe and Adam.<\/p>\n

Three riders came into view, all of them with their guns drawn. Hoss debated whether or not to draw his. He\u2019d always said that the quickest way to make a bad situation worse was to toss a gun in the mix, but since these three already had their guns out, he decided things had already become worse. Still, he didn\u2019t want to give them an excuse to shoot him, and there wasn\u2019t much he could do against three guns anyway. He let his arms hang at his sides.<\/p>\n

\u201cEvenin\u2019.\u201d He said to the riders.<\/p>\n

\u201cEvening.\u201d The tall man who was clearly the leader reined his horse to a stop. \u201cNice night.\u201d<\/p>\n

Hoss didn\u2019t answer. They both knew what was going on; he wasn\u2019t in the mood to play games. He was too busy taking into account the two grim-faced young men on either side of the man who was clearly Gabriel Finch.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou have my son somewhere here.\u201d Finch said.<\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t even know you, mister.\u201d<\/p>\n

Finch dismounted and the others followed suit, guns still drawn. They reminded Hoss of rattlesnakes, all coiled up and ready to spring. Finch walked forward.<\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t recall asking you if you wanted to join my camp, sir.\u201d Hoss said.<\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t recall caring.\u201d He looked dramatically at the two others on either side, clearly his sons, and then back at Hoss. \u201cWe\u2019ve got three guns, you\u2019ve got one. Think you can stop us?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo, probably not. But I aim to try.\u201d<\/p>\n

Finch shrugged. \u201cCarl, find Tom.\u201d<\/p>\n

The older of the two boys nodded, and Hoss took a step in his direction, but the sound of a gun being cocked made him freeze.<\/p>\n

\u201cDon\u2019t make me shoot you.\u201d Finch said.<\/p>\n

Carl walked around to the wagon and jumped inside. It only took him a moment to figure out his little brother was in the trunk. Hoss considered his options. Carl was stooped over, trying to untie Tom\u2019s knots, and he would be distracted for a couple of minutes; now there were only two. Hoss tensed. Then they all heard it \u2013 the sound of galloping hooves coming down the road. As Finch glanced behind him, Hoss grabbed him by his gun arm and pushed him to the ground, grabbing his gun. He rolled under the wagon and somehow managed to avoid the bullets the other Finches fired at him. Hoss gripped the gun and sent a few back, making all four of them leap for cover.<\/p>\n

\u201cThat had better be Joe and Adam.\u201d He muttered.<\/p>\n

~*~<\/p>\n

\u201cGunshots.\u201d Adam spurred his horse forward, and Joe followed. They thundered down the road, and Adam felt his heart leap into his throat as the wagon and the Finches came into view. Where was Hoss? A gunshot from under the wagon answered his question as a bullet whizzed past his ear. Adam leaped from his horse and pressed himself behind a large boulder.<\/p>\n

\u201cYour gun\u2019s in my saddlebags, Joe; get it.\u201d Adam drew his own weapon.<\/p>\n

\u201cI can\u2019t shoot them.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThey\u2019re shooting at you; I want you to be able to defend yourself.\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe hesitated, but then he grabbed his gun and crouched next to Adam behind the boulder.<\/p>\n

\u201cMr. Finch!\u201d Adam called. \u201cThere\u2019s no reason for all this shooting! Bates has a legal claim on fifty thousand dollars; once I get that, I\u2019ll be gone.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m not giving you a cent more than this next bullet costs!\u201d Finch hollered back.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019re not weaseling your way out of this contract like you probably always manage to do.\u201d<\/p>\n

The answer was a bullet that skipped off the boulders surface. Joe and Adam ducked.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou probably shouldn\u2019t make him irritated.\u201d Joe murmured.<\/p>\n

\u201cReally.\u201d Adam tried to peer around the rock. \u201cCan you see Hoss?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHe\u2019s under the wagon.\u201d Joe realized that from their vantage points they could easily overpower the Finches. Surely Adam would have noticed, so why was he just sitting there?<\/p>\n

\u201cThose Finches are a trigger happy bunch.\u201d Adam seemed to read his mind. \u201cI\u2019d rather not have to kill any of them or get any of us killed.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSo I suppose you\u2019d rather sit here until they run out of bullets?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s bound to happen eventually.\u201d But Adam wasn\u2019t banking on it. He peered out from behind the rock. \u201cLet\u2019s talk, Finch!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou already had your chance to talk.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cFive minutes. Everybody puts down their guns, and comes out. If we can\u2019t resolve anything, we go back to trying to blow each other\u2019s heads off.\u201d<\/p>\n

There was a long silence in which Joe counted the seconds with his heartbeats. Then Mr. Finch called out.<\/p>\n

\u201cFive minutes; you come out first.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWe\u2019ll toss our guns out and then you toss yours. Then we\u2019ll come out.\u201d Adam threw his gun to the side where the Finches could see it but couldn\u2019t reach it.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou don\u2019t trust them?\u201d Joe asked incredulously. He\u2019d already been burnt once that day, and it was enough for him.<\/p>\n

\u201cNope. But we don\u2019t have a choice.\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe sighed and sent his gun in the direction of Adam\u2019s. They heard the muffled thump of the Finches\u2019 guns hitting the ground, and then they stepped forward.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou alright, Hoss?\u201d Adam asked his brother who emerged from under the wagon.<\/p>\n

\u201cSure thing. Even managed to hold down the fort.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam surveyed the men in front of him. It was just the three of them; Tom must still be tied in the wagon. He glances from one to the other and noted their hard faces. They weren\u2019t backing down from this fight.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m taking my son out of here.\u201d Gabriel Finch said.<\/p>\n

Adam raised a hand, and Joe was stunned at the air of authority his older brother had, even when facing Mr. Finch.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou have two options, Mr. Finch. Three if you happen to have fifty thousand dollars on you, which I doubt, so we\u2019ll skip that option. The second option is one you probably won\u2019t like, and I can see why. I\u2019ll take Tom to San Francisco and let him settle his own affairs one way or another with Sam Bates. Like I said, you probably won\u2019t like that option. The third option is that we all go back to Yreka and to your lovely hotel room with the dirty carpet and we wait until you hand me a bank draft for fifty thousand dollars. Then we go our separate ways. It\u2019s up to you.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t owe anybody anything.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam sighed. How could you rationalize with a man who wouldn\u2019t see reason?<\/p>\n

\u201cNow here are your choices.\u201d Finch stepped forward. \u201cYou can go back to wherever you came from, or I can blow a hole in your head.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam had been intent on Finch, but then he caught a movement out of the corner of his eye from the wagon. Tom. As the youngest Finch leaped through the air for Hoss\u2019 gun, Adam dove the opposite way, toward the Finch\u2019s guns. His hand curled around a handle and he twisted in time to see the barrel of another pointing at him. He fired and rolled sideways. Dirt exploded next to him.<\/p>\n

Instantly a frenzy erupted as the Finches scrambled for their guns. Adam ducked behind the wagon, and Hoss scooted in next to him. Adam sent a couple of shots at the Finch boys to give Joe time to get behind a large rock. His bullets sent the Finches scurrying behind a fallen log where they returned the favor.<\/p>\n

\u201cThat didn\u2019t go as well as I\u2019d hoped.\u201d Adam muttered. Now they really would have to wait until they ran out of bullets. For every two of their shots, Adam sent one. He wanted to have ammunition for when the Finches ran out.<\/p>\n

A sound rose over the gunshots and made them all pause as they tried to place it. Then Adam caught sight of Gabriel Finch as he knelt on the ground and clung to the limp body of his youngest son. From his lips came a sob and Adam holstered his gun as a lump formed in his throat. It was the mournful wail of Jacob over Joseph because he had lost something that no one, not even eleven other sons, could replace. Carl and Jesse went to their father and each placed a hand on his shoulder in silence.<\/p>\n

\u201cI should kill you.\u201d Gabriel\u2019s words were choked out. \u201cBut that won\u2019t change anything, will it?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cPa.\u201d Jesse began, but Gabriel cut him off.<\/p>\n

\u201cHe didn\u2019t know what he was getting into. I should have stopped him.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam didn\u2019t speak. He could point out that Tom had drawn on him, but he didn\u2019t. Because as Finch had said, it wouldn\u2019t change anything. The fact that his son was killed in self defense would be no little consolation to his crying father.<\/p>\n

It takes eighteen years to raise a son and half a second to kill him. Adam looked away and his glance fell on Joe, pale and silent, gun still in hand. Adam\u2019s heart wrenched, and he was thankful Hoss had stepped forward to stand with his little brother. He didn\u2019t think Joe would want any consolation from him.<\/p>\n

Finch rose with his son in his arms and draped him over his horse. Carl looked up at Adam, and his eyes glittered with hatred, but he followed his father. As the Finches mounted in silence, Joe stepped forward; his were eyes large and dark in his pale face, and they were fastened on the limp form of his friend. Jesse turned and saw Joe staring at the lifeless body.<\/p>\n

\u201cJoe, you know Pa didn\u2019t mean\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI know.\u201d Joe said. And he did. More clearly than ever he\u2019d seen the line that was drawn when a family was attacked. You were on one side or the other, and you could be certain that the family would all be together. Somehow he couldn\u2019t hate the Finches for that.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou can come with us, Joe. Pa wouldn\u2019t mind.\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe turned and looked back at Adam and Hoss. They had both frozen, unable to beg him to stay and unwilling to move until they knew what he would do. Hoss\u2019s eyes held the plea that he couldn\u2019t say, and Adam\u2019s remained as deep and unrevealing as ever.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2026 I don\u2019t know.\u201d He said.<\/p>\n

Jesse nodded and clapped his shoulder. \u201cCatch up with us if you change your mind.\u201d<\/p>\n

He felt the eyes of Hoss and Adam on him as the Finches rode away with Tom\u2019s limp arms swinging back and forth slightly from the motion of the horse. He looked away, feeling sick.<\/p>\n

\u201cJoe?\u201d Hoss asked hesitantly. Joe shook his head. He wasn\u2019t alright; he was going to throw up, and he couldn\u2019t do it here in front of the man who had just killed his best friend. He went over to his horse and mounted.<\/p>\n

\u201cJoe, wait.\u201d Adam said.<\/p>\n

\u201cI just need\u2026\u201d he didn\u2019t know what he needed. So instead of finishing the sentence, he turned his horse and rode away.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

He couldn\u2019t get the image of Tom out of his head, and the word lifeless took on a whole new meaning as he closed his eyes and saw it again. Pale skin, eyelashes resting lightly above his cheeks, almost as if he were sleeping, but they didn\u2019t blink or twitch. Instead they were still as a dead butterfly. And the hands that had so often gripped Joe\u2019s in an arm wrestling contest were as limp and weak as an old sack.<\/p>\n

Joe dismounted and slumped to the ground, his back against a tree. No one deserved to die. No one deserved to have their whole existence wiped out like that, especially not Tom. Not the young man who had yelled that he would beat Joe at a horse race and then tackled him when he lost. He\u2019d never stood still, not for an instant, always vibrant and moving. Maybe that was why they\u2019d gotten along so well. And they had. In Tom, Joe had found his first and only friend. And while part of his brain didn\u2019t fully grasp that he was gone, the other part was reeling and screaming. Joe pulled his knees up to his chest and wrapped his arms around them as if the closeness of his own body could make the ache in his chest disappear. He let his forehead fall to his knees. Gone. The word kept playing over and over in his head, but he still couldn\u2019t fully comprehend it. He closed his eyes against the burning tears and tried to keep them back then he gave in. At first the sobs that wracked his shoulders were silent ones, but then a single cry escaped from his lips and suddenly he was sobbing out loud, his voice joining the lone coyote.<\/p>\n

Eventually his sobs wore down into a deep silence that weighted so heavily on his shoulders he didn\u2019t think he could move. So he kept his head where it was and his eyes focused on the line where his knees met while his stomach and head ached in tandem. His eyes burned, but he couldn\u2019t reach up to rub them. He felt as if nothing was real anymore; everything was just his imagination, and if he blinked it would disappear, swallowed by darkness. The coyote howled again, and this time the loneliness of its cry brought more tears for Joe\u2019s eyes.<\/p>\n

I know how you feel. He thought. I don\u2019t have anyone either.<\/p>\n

He shouldn\u2019t have to do this alone.<\/p>\n

Carl\u2019s words echoed in his head. He could go back with the Finches, the first real family he\u2019d known and probably the only people who shared his sense of loss right now. And somehow he knew if he went back, things would be different; there would be no more feeling of being on the outside looking in. If he went back, he would be one of them.<\/p>\n

One of the people who would kill or betray a friend at the word of their leader. He realized. And he couldn\u2019t do that. He thought of Adam and Hoss, men who were just as convicted, but they were men who were true. Adam would never betray trust or use one man against another like pieces in a chess set.<\/p>\n

Joe could still feel the tooth-like barrel of Carl\u2019s gun pressing against his neck. He\u2019d thought he was as good as dead \u2013 Adam would never give up his Ponderosa; that much was obvious by looking at the bruises on his face from the Finches. But he\u2019d barely hesitated before blurting out where Tom was. And then there was the simple statement he\u2019d made when he\u2019d told Joe to get his gun.<\/p>\n

\u201cI want you to be able to defend yourself.\u201d Not \u2018you need to\u2019 or \u2018you should\u2019. I want. Joe swallowed hard and thought of Hoss patching him up like he was a wayward stray that needed tending to. That was where he should belong. That was where he should feel like he belonged.<\/p>\n

So why didn\u2019t he?<\/p>\n

Maybe he was too messed up. After all, he wasn\u2019t anything more than a kid who\u2019d grown up under the belt of a drunken father and then ran away to get involved with another messed up set of people. What did he know about families?<\/p>\n

Joe closed his eyes again and struggled to visualize the ranch that Hoss had described to him during the wagon ride. He could build a picture in his head of tall trees and a small log house with a fireplace, but there was no connection. It could just as easily have been anyone else\u2019s house he was imagining, filled with faceless people whose names meant nothing to him. Joe opened his eyes and lifted his head. He was on the edge of a clearing that sloped steeply downwards with the sky hovering over it like a cape, dark and sprinkled with stars. The emptiness made him feel like the only person in the world, and once again he ached for someone to be with. He thought of getting up and riding back to Adam and Hoss, but he couldn\u2019t convince his legs to move. His mind saw Adam, on his knees, pulling the trigger effortlessly. No, there wouldn\u2019t be any sympathy there. Adam had only ever been able to see Tom as an irresponsible idiot, which in all fairness, he was from time to time, but he was also more. Hoss might understand, but Joe thought it was more likely that he\u2019d side with Adam. After all, they\u2019d been together longer, and they had memories of each other. Joe glared at the empty space in front of him. He would cut off his own hand if it could get him one memory. Just one. And it didn\u2019t even have to be a big one. Just of something.<\/p>\n

And what would Adam do once he realized that Joe had been the one to point him out to Jesse? It wasn\u2019t a matter of if; he\u2019d probably already figured it out by now, and chances were he wasn\u2019t too thrilled. Joe flushed scarlet. He had been stupid and had nearly cost Adam his life. No, that wasn\u2019t a thing his older brother was likely to forget.<\/p>\n

Some things just aren\u2019t meant to be. Joe hated it when people said things like that. He\u2019d always accredited fate as laziness; you didn\u2019t try hard enough, so you blame your failure on some overruling power instead of yourself. But maybe there was some merit in it after all. Maybe he wasn\u2019t meant to be part of a family. He could strike out on his own again. This time he was older and had experience; he wouldn\u2019t have a problem finding a job.<\/p>\n

Joe felt a sinking feeling in his chest, and he clenched his fists. This would be so much easier if he were a girl. Girls were allowed to hug and cry when they needed to; they were allowed to change their minds and go backwards, but men had to be tough. They had to keep a stiff upper lip even when it felt like the world was shattering beneath them, and they had to stand alone when what they needed more than anything else was an arm to lean against or an embrace to rest in. Girls were allowed to be wrong. But Joe had chosen his side when he\u2019d told Jesse who Adam was, and now he was just going to have to make the best of it. If he couldn\u2019t go back, he could at least go forward.<\/p>\n

Joe crossed his arms over his knees. He would like to see the Ponderosa, just once. Maybe someday he would. For now he rested his chin on his arms and watched the sun begin to lighten the sky and rise, making the cold stars melt away like ice.<\/p>\n

~*~<\/p>\n

Sparks from the fire hovered like bees above the bright orange flames that mesmerized Adam\u2019s eyes. He and Hoss sat on opposite sides of the fire in silence, both of the hypnotized by the continual leaping of the flames. But Adam\u2019s eyes managed to break free from the spell occasionally to wander over to the spot where Tom Finch had fallen. He wished they could leave so he didn\u2019t have to keep looking at that spot. And even when he looked at the flames, he could still see it happening, the dive for the gun, the shot, the roll. He hadn\u2019t even known he\u2019d hit him; instinct had pulled the trigger and had kept him rolling and shooting. Then he heard that cry again, a wail that he thought he would hear for years. It was eerily similar to the wail that had echoed in his chest when he had come back to find his home burnt and brothers gone. Adam shifted and pulled a leather flask out of his pocket, took a drink, and then held it out to Hoss. Hoss scooted over and took it, sniffing before he drank.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s whiskey.\u201d Adam said.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhere\u2019d you get it?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI figured we\u2019d want to celebrate a little after dropping Tom off while on our way to the Ponderosa.\u201d He should have known better than to get too far ahead of himself. Now his plans had leaked like water out a barrel, left to dry into dust. He took another drink and glanced over his shoulder again.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou keep lookin\u2019 at that spot back there.\u201d Hoss said.<\/p>\n

\u201cMaybe.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSomethin\u2019 on your mind?\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam shook his head. How could he explain what was on his mind? He\u2019d killed dozens of people before, but this was the first time he could honestly say he wished it had been him instead. His family was already broken, and no one would miss him except Hoss and possibly Joe. But now he\u2019d gone and taken from Gabriel Finch what Harry Singer had once taken from him.<\/p>\n

\u201cAdam?\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam took a deep breath to compose his thoughts. \u201cI\u2019ve killed people before. And I\u2019ve always felt this twinge, this sadness, but it was all abstract. But this\u2026 this time I didn\u2019t just end a human life from the point of view of a humanitarian. This time it\u2019s real. I took a son from a father, Hoss. And I can feel the weight of that on my chest, threatening to suffocate me.\u201d He took another drink and then gave the bitter laugh that was so familiar to his lips. \u201cIt\u2019s nice to know I\u2019m not a heartless monster, I guess.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI get the feeling that you feel things on a whole deeper level than the rest of us.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI get that feeling about you.\u201d<\/p>\n

The crackling fire filled the silence that followed. From somewhere in the darkness a coyote called. Adam\u2019s eyes were buried deeply in the flames when Hoss spoke again.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat do we do now?\u201d<\/p>\n

It took a moment for the question to sink in then Adam looked up. \u201cWe?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI threw in with you; I ain\u2019t going nowhere.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam closed his eyes briefly. \u201cIn what sense do you mean now? Now as in right this moment or now as in now that we botched things up?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThe botched up one.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBates will still want his money.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhere are we supposed to get fifty thousand dollars?\u201d Hoss asked.<\/p>\n

\u201cI have a few ideas. At the moment we wait for Joe though.\u201d<\/p>\n

Hoss nodded and left unspoken his thought that if Joe didn\u2019t come back he was going after him. It would probably be pointless; the boy did have the Cartwright stubbornness after all, but he wasn\u2019t about to let him go that easily. He couldn\u2019t shake the feeling in the back of his mind that he\u2019d gotten as he watched Joe ride off: that that would be the last time he saw his little brother.<\/p>\n

The sat and watched as the fire dwindled down from a flame to smoldering coals, charred black on the top, molten red on its underbelly. Neither of them spoke. The vividness of the fire faded as the sun began to lighten the sky. Adam stood and tossed his cold coffee onto the coals.<\/p>\n

\u201cLet\u2019s go find him.\u201d Hoss said.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou think we can?\u201d Adam could barely believe he was saying this, but it had been stewing at the back of his mind all night, and he knew it was what had to be done. He glanced up at the lightening sky and wished there were still stars. If I let him go now, will you give him back to me someday? But just like there were no stars, there was no answer, and Adam looked back at Hoss.<\/p>\n

\u201cHe didn\u2019t come back, so he either went with the Finches or struck out on his own. If he went with the Finches that means he picked them, and that\u2019s where he needs to be right now. Tom was his friend; he\u2019s hurting right now. I\u2019m not going to drag him away from someone who can help him.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd if he went off on his own?\u201d Hoss asked.<\/p>\n

Adam raised his hands. \u201cHe\u2019s been alone before.\u201d He didn\u2019t think he sounded very convincing, but Hoss exhaled slowly.<\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t want to leave him.\u201d He said.<\/p>\n

\u201cHe\u2019s been alone all his life.\u201d Adam said. \u201cMaybe he needs to be alone to find what he\u2019s looking for.\u201d It was the hardest thing he\u2019d ever had to admit. When Joe had ridden off last night, Adam had felt like a piece of himself was riding away with him. He just hoped that whatever Joe was looking for led him back to his brothers.<\/p>\n

~*~<\/p>\n

They hadn\u2019t spent much time in Yreka, just long enough to stop at the bath house and eat. Adam\u2019s whole body had ached and the dirt that covered him had felt like a shirt that had shrunk too small, but even more than that, he needed to let his body relax and wash away the tension that had been building ever since San Francisco. He had closed his eyes and envisioned all of his worry evaporating like steam from the tub. Some of it was a little sticky, but he had managed to push it to the back of his mind and focus on the gentle sound of water lapping against the side of the tub and the smell of soap. His mind was in blissful darkness, and his body seemed weightless, as if he were floating even though the tub was barely three feet deep. How long had it been since he\u2019d slept? Not since Jacksonville, that was for sure. Adam had slipped into a deeper level of darkness and then was jerked out of it by his shoulder being shaken.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat?\u201d he had mumbled. His eyes sluggishly obeyed his command to open.<\/p>\n

\u201cI thought you might like to sleep in a bed instead of drowning in a tub.\u201d Hoss handed him a towel, and Adam stood. The air raised goose bumps on his wet skin, chilly after the warm water.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou know, I barely recognize you without all that dirt on ya.\u201d Hoss said. \u201cYou don\u2019t look half as ugly as you normally do.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam half heartedly threw the towel at Hoss, which he caught easily. But he couldn\u2019t help a faint grin. \u201cMust run in the family.\u201d He said.<\/p>\n

Hoss opened his mouth to retort, but then he changed his mind and sniffed. \u201cSmell that? Somebody\u2019s cooking bacon.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI can\u2019t smell anything.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cTrust me on this one.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m going to have to because I think I need sleep more than food.\u201d<\/p>\n

Hoss sniffed again. \u201cEggs too. And flapjacks.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHow can you smell that?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI think the better question is how can you not?\u201d<\/p>\n

So they had stopped for breakfast, and now they were riding south again, Adam on his horse, and Hoss on his newly purchased mount. Hoss had been confused when Adam had told him to sell the wagon and the team and get a new horse.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhy don\u2019t I just use one of the driving horses?\u201d he had asked.<\/p>\n

\u201cTrust me, there is logic to it. You just don\u2019t want to know what it is.\u201d Adam thought of how Bates would fume over how much of his money he was spending, and it actually made him smile. At least he could extract a little justice.<\/p>\n

\u201cI never should have said yes to Bates.\u201d He muttered as they rode.<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, some good things have come of it.\u201d Hoss said.<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd several bad.\u201d<\/p>\n

Hoss pursed his lips and studied his brother. That Adam sure was a worrier. Even if he didn\u2019t want to admit to it, Hoss could tell was stewing about Joe. But like he\u2019d said, there was nothing they could do. If Adam was an example of a Cartwright, then Joe was one too, through and through, and that meant he wouldn\u2019t be coming around until he was good and ready. Hoss decided to change the subject.<\/p>\n

\u201cSo where are we headed anyway?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSacramento.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat\u2019s in Sacramento?\u201d Hoss finally asked after his brother didn\u2019t seem too inclined to explain any further.<\/p>\n

\u201cFifty thousand dollars.\u201d Adam smiled slightly as Hoss shifted impatiently in the saddle. Joe probably would have hit him by now for teasing him this way. The thought made his smile fade. \u201cEvery year a very rich man named Wilbur Hawkings holds a horse race in Sacramento.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd the winner gets\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cFifty thousand dollars to the owner of the horse.\u201d<\/p>\n

Hoss shook his head. \u201cThat\u2019s an awful lot of money to dish out. Why does he do it?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cPurely because he thinks this is uncivilized country that needs some amount of culture brought to it. Or at least that\u2019s what he says. He doesn\u2019t mention that he fronts half the purse while local businesses and some from San Francisco front the other half and it\u2019s almost always his horse that wins or that he makes easily two to three times that amount in wagers.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHow do you know that?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cA friend told me.\u201d Adam\u2019s voice softened.<\/p>\n

\u201cA friend?\u201d Hoss prompted. Clearly there was more to the story than Adam was telling.<\/p>\n

\u201cAbraham Rosner. You\u2019ll meet him soon enough.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI will?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHe owns the horse I\u2019m going to be riding.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBut the owner of the horse gets the money.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s right.\u201d<\/p>\n

Hoss stared at Adam. \u201cYou may really think you\u2019re explaining things, but it\u2019s about as clear as mud.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019ll understand when we get there.\u201d Adam said.<\/p>\n

Hoss snorted. \u201cIt doesn\u2019t matter if I understand it or not, just so long as this plan of yours works.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam smiled at his brother. Just when he got used to having someone along, Hoss would go and say something that reminded him just how grateful he was that his brother was there instead of him being alone. But even as part of him was thankful that he had one brother with him, the other part sent up a silent prayer to his Pa or whatever God might be watching to keep an eye on the other one.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Hoss and Adam would head south, so Joe went southeast through the mountains. He had some vague ideas about going off to sea and leaving everything behind him, but he knew that would never happen. He liked to have land under his feet, and he liked the trees and mountains that firmly hemmed him in. Besides, he was a horse breaker. He\u2019d go down to southern California and find a job at a ranch.<\/p>\n

Then what?<\/p>\n

Then what indeed. He didn\u2019t have the answer.<\/p>\n

\u201cHave you ever thought that people are trapped?\u201d Tom had once said to him. Joe frowned and remembered the conversation. They\u2019d been fishing, and Joe had pulled in the first one, but it had been small enough to let go. He\u2019d come back and catch it someday when it was bigger.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cWhat do you mean?\u201d He had asked Tom. He wiped his fish slimy hands on his pants and settled back down into the long grass that tickled his elbows as he picked up his fishing line.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cMaybe we\u2019re like that fish, swimming around in the world, and the only reason we\u2019re alive is because someone wants us to get big enough to be eaten.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

Joe had stared at Tom for a full minute before shaking his head. \u201cI think you\u2019ve been in the sun for too long.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

Maybe Tom had been right though; maybe there was a large giant in the sky just toying with him, waving happiness in front of his face like bait and then jerking him out of whatever semblance of a life that he had.<\/p>\n

Well if you\u2019re up there jerking my line, how about a favor while you\u2019re at it? Just let me remember. I don\u2019t care how small it is. Just something to help me understand who I am. Joe didn\u2019t think his thoughts counted as a prayer, but he wasn\u2019t sure exactly what category they fell under.<\/p>\n

His horse suddenly snorted, and jerked sideways, nearly unseating Joe. He kicked himself for not paying attention and leaned forward to stroke the animal\u2019s shoulder, wondering what had caused him to spook. His answer came a moment later as a branch came crashing down through the trees above him. The horse leaped forward, and Joe sat up, tightening his reins, but then the horse\u2019s foot caught on a branch beneath its foot, causing it to strike his leg. The horse kicked and ignored Joe\u2019s hands, plunging into a gallop.<\/p>\n

\u201cEasy, Scout!\u201d Joe struggled to slow the charging horse as trees whipped by, several nearly smashing his knees. He ducked low to avoid being swept off the saddle by low branches, and tried to pull Scout into a circle, but there wasn\u2019t any room. A short branch struck him on the shoulder and caught on his jacket, dragging him halfway off the saddle. Joe jerked free, and then felt himself falling as his horse swerved out from under him. He felt an exploding sensation in his side as his body crashed against a tree, but he didn\u2019t remember hitting the ground.<\/p>\n

~*~<\/p>\n

Once again, Adam found himself gazing into the orange, glowing campfire. Hoss had told him in no uncertain terms to go to sleep so he wouldn\u2019t fall off his horse the next day, which had made Adam laugh slightly.<\/p>\n

\u201cSo now you\u2019re the boss?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou may be the oldest, but that don\u2019t make you the smartest. The way I see, you ain\u2019t had a good night\u2019s rest since we left Ashville.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam couldn\u2019t argue with that, but that didn\u2019t mean he could sleep either. So he lay on his side, listening to Hoss snore and watching the fire eat what was left of the wood before it would starve into coals.<\/p>\n

You sure have gotten yourself in a mess this time. He told himself. No doubt Abraham would heartily agree when Adam showed up at his doorstep, but he knew the man would help him. He was the type of man who would give his mortal enemy his last dollar if it came down to it. Adam had often thought that Pa would have liked him if they had met, and that more than anything made him respect Abraham.<\/p>\n

He had been sleeping in the stables because he couldn\u2019t afford a hotel when he had met Abraham. Then he\u2019d sensed somebody watching him in the darkness and had rolled over.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cCan I help you?\u201d Adam had asked.<\/em><\/p>\n

The man had let out a dry chuckle that was somehow warm at the same time. \u201cYou\u2019re the one sleeping on the floor. I would think I could help you instead.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m alright.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019re one of the riders.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cAnd?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cHow does your boss expect you to race if you don\u2019t get a good night\u2019s sleep?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

Adam shrugged and sat up. Clearly he wouldn\u2019t be going to sleep for a while. He brushed some hay out of his hair. \u201cI guess he figures I\u2019ll be fine since I was sleeping on the streets when he found me.\u201d He said it out of a need to shock the old man out of his pity. He hadn\u2019t gotten to the point of using people\u2019s guilt to his advantage.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cWell, that would make sense. Who is your boss?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cPaul Samson.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cYou won\u2019t win.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

Adam bristled. \u201cWhy not?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cPaul\u2019s a fine breeder, but he\u2019s not a very good trainer.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cI think I can make up for that.\u201d But now Adam was intrigued. \u201cWho are you?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cJust and old man with an extra room in his house if you want it.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cNo, thanks; I\u2019m alright here.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cI suppose it is an honor to sleep in a barn.\u201d The old man looked around. \u201cAfter all, it is where Christ was born. But this barn is a lot nicer than the stables of first century Bethlehem. You could probably get a lot closer to the real thing if you slept in a mine.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

Adam studied the man, a half smile playing on his lips. It was the kind of talk that had made his Pa want to pull his hair out and holler to get to the point, but it unlocked something in Adam\u2019s mind.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cWell no one really kicked me out of an inn, and I don\u2019t plan on being crucified, so I think the metaphor ends there.\u201d He said.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cNo one ever really plans their manner of death, though since the Roman method of execution has long since passed out of tradition, you\u2019re probably right. Still, it may not end there. You\u2019ve left your home, so did Christ, though probably for a more noble cause than yours.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cWhat makes you think I haven\u2019t always slept on stable floors?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cAn educated guess.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cAnd who would you be then? A Wise Man?\u201d Adam smiled again.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cNot a Magi, but certainly wiser than you because if I had been offered a bed to sleep in instead of a floor I wouldn\u2019t have refused. However, I\u2019ll give you a chance to correct your mistake and put the question to you again. Would you like to sleep in my extra bedroom?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

This time an all out grin broke over Adam\u2019s face, the first since Leah had left. He stood. \u201cLead the way.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

They had talked almost all night, and while Adam didn\u2019t tell him anything about his past, he wondered how much Abraham had guessed. Not the details, but he wondered if the man had been able to see past the false wholeness to the raw, gaping wounds that life had left in him.<\/em><\/p>\n

Now some wounds were healing and some were being ripped open again, and as Adam stared into the fire, he couldn\u2019t help but wonder if that was the way things were always going to be. Get a little, give a little, but never actually gain anything in life. Always trying to get somewhere, but for every step you take, you get knocked back two more. Adam shifted onto his back and stared up at patches of star-sprinkled sky through dark clouds whose edges glowed faintly from the moonlight.<\/p>\n

Just take care of him. Was all he could think to pray. If Pa really was up there, hopefully he had his eye on Little Joe. And hopefully he\u2019d march him back to where Adam could keep an eye on him soon.<\/p>\n

~*~<\/p>\n

He was spinning. Why wouldn\u2019t the spinning stop? Joe clenched his eyes shut in an attempt to make his head still. He could feel blankets beneath him, but his eyes wouldn\u2019t open. He felt as is weights were on top of his arms and legs, and for a moment he struggled against panic. Then, as he slowly relaxed, his body became weightless, drifting between the darkness and the waking world. A soft touch on his forehead brought him closer to the latter, and a familiar smell filled his nose. Pine smoke. Suddenly Joe felt as though he were somewhere else, curled up near a fire somewhere far away. He let the scent carry him back, and it seemed as if he were on a rug, listening to the fire crackle and something else \u2013 a voice. It was deep and rhythmic, and then another voice joined it, as soft as sunlight. He knew those voices somehow; they were a sound from far away that he had forgotten. As he listened to them, he smelled other things, the scent of brandy in a glass nearby mixing with the scent of the night, streaming in through a slightly open window, and he heard the circular creak of a rocking chair and the gentle click of knitting needles. He felt the bumpy woven rug beneath him and the heat from the fire on his back while the sweet warmth from the night caressed his front. Where was he? But the more he tried to see the scene with his eyes rather than his other senses, the more it faded, and so he stopped trying and listened to the voices. They wrapped around him, making him feel safe, and he drifted back to sleep.<\/p>\n

The next time he woke up, things were clearer, and his eyes managed to open slightly to let in the image of sun streaming through yellow curtains in a tiny bedroom. He blinked as the bright light made his head spin slightly.<\/p>\n

\u201cWaking up, are you?\u201d a gentle voice called him out of the sleep he\u2019d been slipping back into. He opened his eyes again, and the light didn\u2019t hurt quite as much this time.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhere am I?\u201d his voice sounded like sandpaper on tree bark, and the woman next to the bed helped him sit up so he could drink.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019re at the Ryder farm. And you\u2019re lucky that I found you; you were pretty banged up.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDarned horse.\u201d Joe remembered now, and he reached up to rub his head. His whole side reminded him about the tree as well. \u201cDid I break anything?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cJust your pride, I would imagine. How did you fall?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHe spooked at a tree branch falling. I should have been paying better attention.\u201d He settled back into the pillows and took in his surroundings. The room was small but tidy, if sparsely furnished, but somehow it matched the petite blonde woman in a faded dress and apron sitting on a straight backed chair beside the bed.<\/p>\n

\u201cSorry I took your room.\u201d He said. \u201cHow long was I out?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI found you yesterday evening. It\u2019s almost supper now.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThank you.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDo you have a name?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cJoe\u2026\u201d he paused.<\/p>\n

\u201cJust Joe?\u201d she asked with a slight smile.<\/p>\n

\u201cCartwright.\u201d The name was simultaneously rough and smooth coming out of his mouth.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m Helen Ryder. And that\u2026\u201d she glanced over to where two small faces framed with fine blonde hair were peering in through the door, \u201c\u2026 is Sarah and Mike.\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe smiled at them, but the faces disappeared.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m almost done cooking supper.\u201d Helen spoke again. \u201cWould you like me to bring you in a tray?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI can get up.\u201d Joe moved to rise and then collapsed back against the pillows as a searing pain shot through his side and the room spun. His hand automatically moved to cover his ribs.<\/p>\n

\u201cThey\u2019re not broken, but they\u2019re probably sore.\u201d Helen said gently, but her eyes twinkled with slight amusement.<\/p>\n

\u201cJust a little.\u201d Joe spoke through gritted teeth. \u201cMaybe a tray would be better.\u201d<\/p>\n

She left and he felt dizziness overtake him. Joe sank farther into the pillows and closed his eyes.<\/p>\n

~*~<\/p>\n

When he woke up again, the room was dark, and his empty stomach reminded him that he\u2019d missed dinner. Joe experimented with moving again and felt a slightly duller pain in his ribs. He put a hand over them and shifted his legs over the side of the bed, pausing for a minute before he attempted standing. His arm shook as he rested his weight on the bedside table while the room spun in crazy circles around him. For a minute he contemplated giving up and going back to sleep, but he knew his stomach wouldn\u2019t let him. After a few more moments, the room quieted down, and he was able to step forward, arm braced against the rough log wall, in the direction of the kitchen.<\/p>\n

There was a plate covered on the stove, and after moving it to the small square table, Joe collapsed in a chair. He could feel sweat gathering in his hairline, and he felt like he\u2019d just run ten miles uphill. He\u2019d just picked up his fork when a door opened, and Helen came out carrying a lamp.<\/p>\n

\u201cI didn\u2019t mean to wake you up.\u201d Joe said.<\/p>\n

She put a finger to her lips and shut the door behind her. \u201cThey\u2019re sleeping.\u201d She set the lamp on the table and sat down. \u201cI thought you needed rest more than food earlier.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI probably did.\u201d Joe dug into the slightly cold chicken and beans. The juice from the beans was congealing, and the chicken was a little dried out, but he was too hungry to notice.<\/p>\n

Helen did though. \u201cTomorrow I\u2019ll fix you a better breakfast.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s no trouble.\u201d Joe said. \u201cThis is the best I\u2019ve eaten in a while since I was on the trail.\u201d As he ate, he studied her out of the corner of his eye. Her blonde hair was mussed and still vibrant, and her eyes were a bright blue, but they carried a heaviness in them that wasn\u2019t from lack of sleep. She looked young and old at the same time. Joe knew the look; he guessed that he wore it himself.<\/p>\n

\u201cAre you alone here?\u201d he asked.<\/p>\n

\u201cThere are two boys that live over the hill that help me run the farm, but they\u2019re home with their mother for the weekend.\u201d She cleared her throat and looked away. \u201cMy husband was killed two years ago in a hunting accident.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt must be hard for you.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m used to farm work. More than anything I\u2019m worried about them.\u201d She gestured toward the bedroom door with her chin. \u201cI\u2019m afraid that they won\u2019t remember him.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI lost my father when I was young.\u201d Joe didn\u2019t know why he said it. It wasn\u2019t like he wanted to talk about it.<\/p>\n

\u201cDo you remember him?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI was raised by another family; I didn\u2019t even know who I was until several days ago. I didn\u2019t have what they have: someone to keep the memories alive.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhere were you going when you fell?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSomewhere. I figured if I rode long enough I\u2019d get there eventually.\u201d<\/p>\n

She seemed to know better than to pursue it. Instead she took his empty plate and set them in the wash basin and then helped him back to his bed. His aching body gratefully sank into the mattress, and Joe stared up at the ceiling, counting the throbs in his side. He wondered why he\u2019d brought up his past to her, a complete stranger. Maybe he\u2019d been overwhelmed by the need to tell his story to somebody, as if that could help him make sense of it.<\/p>\n

Sarah and Mike were lucky, he decided. They still had a mother who cared for them. Joe recalled the image of the faceless woman and the feel of her hand caressing him that he\u2019d remembered the night he\u2019d met Adam and Hoss. Who was she? Joe scrunched his eyes shut and tried to see her in his head, but he couldn\u2019t conjure up an image for her any more than he could for his Pa.<\/p>\n

Joe groaned and rolled over, forgetting about his side then he yelped as he remembered it.<\/p>\n

If my Pa could see me now. He thought. If his Pa was anything like Adam he would probably be rolling his eyes over his youngest son\u2019s antics.<\/p>\n

Maybe this was pointless. Maybe he should just forget about the past and move on. After all, he was free now; he didn\u2019t owe anyone anything. It would be the easiest thing in the world to simply walk away from it all like he had once.<\/p>\n

Joe rolled over again, this time onto the opposite side. He closed his eyes and pictured Hoss\u2019s face in his mind as he had cleaned out Joe\u2019s torn up hands that day by the river. He imagined his brother\u2019s voice, not deep but rich and thoughtful. Then he tried to go backwards and hear his voice again, only earlier in his life, but his mind came up empty. Frustrated, Joe started again, this time with Adam\u2019s deeper voice. He remembered everything Adam had said to him, listening for the tone and tried to hear it from a different time, a time when life had been about simple things like mud pies with his older brother. And then he thought he heard a snatch. Joe held his breath, but the more he focused, the farther away it got. He relaxed his mind and concentrated on the voice again, and once more he heard an echo. He couldn\u2019t think of any words, but he knew that he remembered the voice.<\/p>\n

It could be just wishful thinking. There really wasn\u2019t any way to be certain either, unless he could figure out some way to turn back time. For a moment Joe fantasized about what his life would be if that happened. He would grow up on a ranch in Nevada, with trees so tall they seemed to be holding up the sky, according to Hoss. Joe smiled slightly as he pictured it, ignoring thought of faceless parents and voiceless brothers. Instead he let his mind create in his head his own Ponderosa, vast and sweeping, full of trees and hills with a lake on one side that was as pure blue as a cloudless sky.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Hoss had been fifteen when Jim had died. It hadn\u2019t been dramatic or noisy; he\u2019d just slipped away quiet and easy like, much the way he\u2019d lived his life. It had been fitting, but it had also taken Hoss a long time to realize that he wasn\u2019t just gone up into the mountains and would be back in a few days with a bundle of furs to sell. And that was the first time that he had realized the full extent of the cabin\u2019s emptiness and how isolated their little world was. Always before the solitude had been a comfort, a place to retreat to from the world that was so harsh and unpredictable, a place where a man could hear God whisper if he paused and listened. But after Jim died, all he could hear was the lonely whistle of the wind through hollow woods and the echo of silence off the rocks.<\/p>\n

Still he hadn\u2019t been able to leave it for good, even when he started guiding settlers and hunting stray lobos for farmers; he\u2019d always come back to his little piece of desolate heaven. And now Hoss almost wished he was back on it now, that he\u2019d never left. What good had he been on this trip? He hadn\u2019t been able to stop Tom from being shot or Joe from leaving.<\/p>\n

Hoss glanced away from the reflection of their hotel room in the window that he\u2019d been staring at and looked at Adam, immersed in a book. Or so it seemed. Hoss noticed that his eyes weren\u2019t moving back and forth, and he had yet to turn a page. Either he was stuck on a word he didn\u2019t know \u2013 which Hoss doubted \u2013 or he was chewing something over. Something inside him snapped, and he stood.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou know what we need to do?\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam lifted his head from his book. \u201cWhat?\u201d His voice was almost bleak, and Hoss knew it was time to stop stewing about things they couldn\u2019t change.<\/p>\n

\u201cWe need to get out of this old hotel room. Come on.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cTo where?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cJust come on.\u201d Hoss led him out of the hotel. The saloon was down a street and to the left, and he pushed through the swinging doors and nodded in satisfaction. The place was crowded with cowboys, farmers, miners, and girls. A hazy smoke from cigarettes drifted lazily to the ceiling where it mingled with the rich scent of alcohol and laughter to create thick, swirling air.<\/p>\n

\u201cTwo beers.\u201d Hoss said to the scurrying bartender. He lifted his mug in tandem with Adam.<\/p>\n

\u201cWell?\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam shrugged. What did they have to toast to?<\/p>\n

\u201cTo the philosophy that all men are created equal and the society that ignores it.\u201d He finally said.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou seem to be in a good mood.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam shrugged and downed his beer. It was good, but he barely noticed. He felt about as civil as a bear with a sore head.<\/p>\n

\u201cWant to play poker?\u201d Hoss asked, trying to pull his brother out of his black mood.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m not all that good at poker.\u201d Adam answered.<\/p>\n

\u201cNow that I can\u2019t believe. Adam, you could bluff the devil himself.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cMaybe, but do you have any money? Because I sure don\u2019t.\u201d<\/p>\n

Hoss frowned. \u201cWhere\u2019d you get the money for the horse?\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam reached in his pocket and pulled out the voucher Bates had written for him. It let him draw money out of Bates\u2019 bank accounts, and it was good in practically any bank in California since Bates had an account in virtually every bank. Something devilish broke free in Adam, and a deep, dark grin spread slowly over his face.<\/p>\n

\u201cCome on.\u201d He said to Hoss. He went over to the table where a game was starting up.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou boys want to play?\u201d One of the cowboys asked.<\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t have cash, but I\u2019ve got this.\u201d Adam showed him the voucher. \u201cIf I end up owing, I\u2019ll get money out of the bank first thing in the morning.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSam Bates, huh?\u201d The cowboy glanced at the signature. \u201cHe owns half the town. You work for him?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIn a way.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHave a seat. I\u2019ll take an I-owe-you for any losings. I\u2019m Jake Harding.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAdam Cartwright. This is my brother, Hoss.\u201d Adam pulled up a chair, and Hoss followed suit, slightly puzzled at the sudden change in Adam\u2019s demeanor. But since it was for the better he decided not to dwell on it.<\/p>\n

The other players introduced themselves as Wes Green and Charlie Lowell. Jake dealt, and Adam studied his hand for a moment. It was decent, and he decided to play to win for now.<\/p>\n

Three hands later he was winning and Hoss dealt him three kings. Adam felt his face nearly stretch into a smirk again, but he forced himself to remain looking neutral. Then he tossed two of his kings.<\/p>\n

\u201cGive me two cards.\u201d He said to Hoss.<\/p>\n

\u201cLooks like your luck\u2019s running out.\u201d Charlie said when Adam lost.<\/p>\n

\u201cLooks like.\u201d Adam dealt five cards to each player and then picked up his hand. This one didn\u2019t need much help to be a loser, but he tossed a ten just to be sure.<\/p>\n

\u201cI might come out on top after all.\u201d Jake said when he won. \u201cYou gonna keep going?\u201d he asked Adam and Hoss.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m out.\u201d Hoss said.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ll stick around.\u201d Adam bet the remaining of his winnings from the previous hand, and Hoss looked at him with a nervous expression that almost made Adam laugh as he threw out two of his three of a kind.<\/p>\n

\u201cAdam, don\u2019t you want to head back to the room?\u201d Hoss said two hands later when Adam owed two hundred dollars. It was late, but Adam knew that wasn\u2019t why he was asking. The stakes were getting higher. Charlie was out, and Adam bet another three hundred of Bates\u2019 money.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m just getting started.\u201d He said. He drew a three that actually gave him a straight, and he beat Wes in that hand, but then lost the next two. Hoss shifted behind him, and Adam nearly laughed out loud. Poor Hoss was in for a lot of concern tonight.<\/p>\n

Three hours later the bartender told them to wrap it up, and Adam drew a full house. He grinned to himself and tossed two aces and a ten.<\/p>\n

\u201cNot your lucky night.\u201d Wes said.<\/p>\n

\u201cOr yours.\u201d Jake gathered up his winnings. \u201cThat\u2019s six thousand you owe me, Carwright.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThat much, huh?\u201d Adam wrote out a note and signed it. \u201cI\u2019ll go down to the bank and get your winnings in the morning.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cMr. Bates sure is gonna be ticked that you lost so much of his money.\u201d Jake said with a grin.<\/p>\n

\u201cOh, I\u2019m counting on it.\u201d Adam replied.<\/p>\n

\u201cBates is gonna be spitting mad.\u201d Hoss muttered when they were back in the hotel room. \u201cHow are you gonna explain losing all that money in a poker game?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ll think of something.\u201d Adam pulled off his boots and flopped on the bed. He could very easily imagine the look on Bates\u2019 face, and it made him grin. That night he slept more soundly than he had in months.<\/p>\n

~*~<\/p>\n

He heard soft voices coming from the foot of his bed when he woke up. He lifted his head to see the faces of the two children studying him from the safe distance of behind the footboard. When he looked at them, they seemed to shrink down a little. Joe smiled to himself and raised his hands. As the children watched intently, their blue eyes wide and unblinking, Joe covered his right thumb with two let fingers, tucking his left thumb underneath. He slid his left hand back and forth, making it look as if he was stretching his right thumb out and then pushing it back.<\/p>\n

The trick worked like a charm, and Sarah and Mike crawled onto the bed. After investigating his hands for a moment, Mike looked up into Joe\u2019s face, his blonde hair falling back from his forehead.<\/p>\n

\u201cAre you a bank robber?\u201d<\/p>\n

His blue eyes were wide and ready to take everything in, and Joe\u2019s throat clenched as he thought of a similar question that he\u2019d been asked by another boy with blue eyes. He shoved the memory aside and forced a smile. \u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cA cowboy?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIn a way. I break horses.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHow do you put them back together?\u201d Sarah asked.<\/p>\n

Joe\u2019s smile slowly gained legitimacy. \u201cNot like that. I train them so that people can ride them.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThen why did you fall off your horse?\u201d<\/p>\n

He had to laugh, and the sound brought Helen in from the kitchen.<\/p>\n

\u201cI thought I told you two not to wake Mr. Cartwright up.\u201d She put her hands on her hips, a wooden spoon protruding from one of them.<\/p>\n

\u201cJust Joe.\u201d Joe said.<\/p>\n

\u201cWe\u2019re sorry, Mr. Joe.\u201d Sarah said.<\/p>\n

Joe smiled down at her. \u201cI was already awake.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBreakfast is ready; would you like a tray?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ll come out.\u201d Joe stood carefully, but the room barely shifted. His side was still tender, and he could feel a lump on the back of his head, but at least he could walk. Sarah and Michael \u2018helped\u2019 him out to the table, and for a moment he stood beside his chair, paralyzed.<\/p>\n

There was a fire in the stove, and from it rose the scent of pine wood burning \u2013 the same scent that had come to him during his\u2026 dream? Memory? Vision? Whatever it had been the night he\u2019d been unconscious, Joe remembered it now.<\/p>\n

\u201cAre you alright, Mr. Cartwright?\u201d Helen asked.<\/p>\n

\u201cJoe.\u201d Joe said distractedly, pulling himself to the present. \u201cI\u2019m fine. Sorry.\u201d He sat, his mind still staggering.<\/p>\n

It had been so real, so clear. It couldn\u2019t have been a dream. Joe remembered the joke of a prayer he\u2019d sent up for a memory, no matter how small. Had it actually been answered?<\/p>\n

\u201cJoe?\u201d Helen paused as she set a plate of flapjacks in front of him.<\/p>\n

\u201cThanks. Sorry.\u201d He sure was saying that a lot this morning.<\/p>\n

\u201cSomeone\u2019s coming!\u201d Mike leaped out of his chair and raced out the door with Sarah close on his heels. Helen followed, shaking her head at her children\u2019s antics, and Joe stuffed a couple bites in his mouth before doing the same, limping slightly from the pain in his side.<\/p>\n

\u201cMr. Parsons!\u201d Sarah and Mike ran to greet the man who rode up on the back of a mule, leading a horse that Joe instantly recognized. He leaned against the porch railing with a grin and shook his head. Maybe there was a God.<\/p>\n

\u201cGlen, what brings you out this way?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI heard you had a visitor who lost a horse, and this one showed up at my doorstep last night.\u201d The man glanced at Joe. \u201cWould he be yours?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHe would.\u201d Joe stepped forward and ran his hands over Scout\u2019s body and legs, but the horse seemed uninjured.<\/p>\n

\u201cWell thank you for bringing him over. Are you staying for breakfast?\u201d Helen asked.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019d better get back.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThank you again.\u201d Joe straightened and took the reins.<\/p>\n

\u201cNo problem. Next time keep a better hold of him, eh?\u201d Glen grinned and turned his mule.<\/p>\n

\u201cMr. Cartwright.\u201d Joe felt a tug on his pants and looked down into Mike\u2019s eyes. \u201cDoes this mean you\u2019ll be leaving?\u201d<\/p>\n

He grinned down at the boy. \u201cNot until I eat breakfast anyway.\u201d He said.<\/p>\n

They went back inside, and he winced as he sat down. He wouldn\u2019t be going anywhere for at least a couple more days. Part of him was annoyed, but the other part was glad. After all, it wasn\u2019t like he had a destination in mind. It was like he was tumbling and he could land anywhere really. It was the same feeling that had accompanied him the morning he\u2019d left Durham.<\/p>\n

There hadn\u2019t been anything different about that morning. Fog had curled around his legs like wispy cats, waiting to be burned away by the sun as he walked down the road. He\u2019d walked down it hundreds of times on his way to the mine, but this time he had kept walking instead of turning off to go down the dirt track. He wasn\u2019t going that way today or any other day either. He was done.<\/p>\n

In retrospect, Joe realized that it was probably one of the stupidest things he\u2019d ever done, second only to waiting so long to finally leave. He\u2019d left without food, money, or any specific plan, carrying nothing but the clothes on his back and a grimly set jaw on his face. Three days later both his clothes and his jaw were limp and soggy as he huddled under the edge of a roof in a rain storm.<\/p>\n

It wasn\u2019t supposed to be this way. He had thought. He had been supposed to have enough money for a stage to San Francisco. And he almost had. Then the money had been found, purely by accident when his Pa had drunkenly mistaken Joe\u2019s room for his and had knocked over the box containing the money. And while Joe was too big for him to be able to beat him anymore, he\u2019d still borne the brunt of a screaming tirade laced with scathing insults and enough curses to turn the air blue. Joe had crossed his arms and stared at him with a sullen face until eventually the old man forgot what he was screaming about and passed out on his rocking chair. Then Joe had gone into his room and destroyed pretty much everything, the chair, the bed, the window, even the walls had holes punched in them. That money had been the result of almost a year of saving. But since there was no way he was waiting another year to have enough money to leave, he might as well leave now.<\/p>\n

While watching water drip onto his soaking boots, Joe had wished he had waited a little bit longer, just enough to have some money for emergencies for example, when it poured down rain and he wanted a hotel room. He had wrapped his arms around his middle and shivered through the night then he\u2019d left the town the next morning, always heading north. For what he didn\u2019t know, but he\u2019d kept moving.<\/p>\n

\u201cJoe?\u201d Helen asked softly. Joe blinked. He was back in the kitchen, and the smell of wood smoke was still in the air. It warmed him somehow, as if reassuring him that that cold, wet night, as well as everything else in his past was gone.<\/p>\n

\u201cAre you alright?\u201d Helen studied him with concern.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m fine. Sorry, I was just\u2026 thinking.\u201d<\/p>\n

~*~<\/p>\n

There was a clanking noise, iron against rock, like chains being swung in a never ending mantra against the stone walls that surrounded him. Joe could hear screaming from farther down the tunnel. A man was trapped. But he couldn\u2019t save him because the chains were on him now. Joe struggled against their weight as the clanking grew louder, and the walls began to shake. As dirt rained down on top of him, Joe panicked and pulled at the chains. They wouldn\u2019t come free; instead they seemed to grow. He screamed at them and pulled, only when he pulled the wall collapsed and fell toward him. Joe threw up his arms to protect his head and as he opened his mouth to scream again, dust flew into it and choked him. He tried to cough, but he couldn\u2019t breathe. Air. He needed air. Joe clawed at the rocks on top of him. They were trying to crush him. His chest was collapsing. He tried to cry out again, but the words choked in his throat.<\/p>\n

A thrash jerked him awake, and Joe sat up. He inhaled down to his toes and collapsed back against the pillows as he exhaled. He\u2019d forgotten how real those dreams could be. As Joe wiped the sweat off his face with the back of his hand, he contemplated going back to sleep, but he knew it was pointless. He stood and silently padded out of his room and out to the porch, wrapping his arms around his middle against the chilly night air. Above him the stars merrily reassured him that he was in the open country, but his mind was still stuck in his dreams.<\/p>\n

\u201cMr. Joe?\u201d A sleepy voice behind him made him turn to see Sarah in her nightshirt, standing just outside the door. She reached up and rubbed her eyes, as if she wasn\u2019t sure he was really there.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat are you doing out of bed?\u201d Joe spoke softly so as not to wake anyone else.<\/p>\n

\u201cI was gonna ask you that.\u201d She scooted down to sit next to him. \u201cYou shouldn\u2019t be up; you\u2019re sick.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI was hurt, but I\u2019m not anymore.\u201d He said.<\/p>\n

\u201cDid you have a bad dream?\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe stared at the six year old. \u201cWhat makes you say that?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI used to not be able to sleep because I had a bad dream. I would go sleep with Mama.\u201d Sarah said.<\/p>\n

Joe smiled faintly. \u201cI don\u2019t think your mother would appreciate that very much. What did you have nightmares about?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAfter my Pa died, I dreamed that I couldn\u2019t find him, or that I was being chased by bad men, and he wasn\u2019t there. And Mama told me that he was in heaven making sure God kept a special eye on me.\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe smiled down at her as she tucked her little body under his arm. \u201cI\u2019m sure he is. Maybe my Pa\u2019s with him too.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDo you think they\u2019re friends in heaven?\u201d big blue eyes stared up at him.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m sure they are.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s good.\u201d The voice was slurred and drowsy, and she tucked her head against his shoulder. He wrapped his arm around her little body to keep her warm, grateful for the company. He wished he had a parent he could curl up in the bed of and have them tell him everything would be alright. Unfortunately the only parent he\u2019d ever known was the cause of the nightmares.<\/p>\n

There really was no walking away. He could try; he could even go back to Adam and Hoss and leave the past where it was, but somehow he knew it would catch up with him until he stopped running and turned around.<\/p>\n

I have to go back. He realized. Part of him instantly rebelled. He\u2019d spent so long trying to put space between himself and the little shack on the edge of Durham, and he was just going to forget about that and go back? What did he have there? Nothing except broken memories like bottles. Chances were, the man wouldn\u2019t even be sober enough to tell him anything, and even if he was he would probably refuse. He\u2019d stopped whipping Joe around the time he\u2019d turned twelve, but Joe still had a tendency to skirt around him like a dog with its tail between his legs. He never had respected him any more than one respects the business end of a gun, but he sure knew about fear. It was fear that wrapped its icy hand around Joe\u2019s chest now and began to squeeze. Joe tried to shake the feeling off. He was a grown man now, not the angry kid that had run away. Somehow Joe knew that was a lie though; the anger was still there, barely hidden by a painted on maturity. He wondered if he dared to go back and see the man who had raised him. He might not be able to control himself.<\/p>\n

Well he\u2019d better, Joe decided. Because even though the one part of him was still fighting the idea, the other part was quickly coming around to the fact that it was the only way he was going to be able to separate his different lives. He needed to know what had brought him to Cal Greyer\u2019s house and why. And there was only one person he knew who could answer that.<\/p>\n

Beside him, Sarah\u2019s chest rose and fell rhythmically as she slept. Joe carefully scooped her up and carried her back to her bedroom. He laid down in bed with his arms behind his head and listened to the different sides of his head argue back and forth in a pointless battle. Because as much as he didn\u2019t want to, he knew that come morning, he would be going back to the place he\u2019d called home for almost fourteen years.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Abraham Rosner owned several hundred acres of pastureland outside of Sacramento that stretched over the foothills like a carpet, and right in the midst of it, sat his tidy little house, refusing to be overpowered by the imposing barn next to it. Adam tossed his horse\u2019s reins over the hitching post and walked up the three porch steps to the red door, wondering again, as he had the first time he had been there, why Abraham had bothered to paint it such a vibrant color.<\/p>\n

\u201cYes?\u201d A short man with wiry white hair answered the knock, and then his face was masked by the grin that split across it. \u201cWell if it isn\u2019t the young man I found sleeping in the barn several years ago. So you\u2019re a prodigal this time?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHardly since you didn\u2019t give me my inheritance when I left and I haven\u2019t been eating with any pigs.\u201d Adam replied.<\/p>\n

\u201cAlways poking holes in my metaphors. And who\u2019s this Goliath you brought with you?\u201d he glanced back at Hoss.<\/p>\n

\u201cMy brother, Hoss.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHoss? So you\u2019re a mountain man then?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, sir.\u201d Hoss stepped forward and realized that the top of Abraham\u2019s spiky white hair barely reached past his chest.<\/p>\n

\u201cNo need to call me sir; it makes me think I\u2019m back at Yale. Abraham will do. Come in, please.\u201d He led them into an open sitting room where a fireplace was central, surrounded by several covered chairs. He gestured toward them, and Adam and Hoss sat down.<\/p>\n

\u201cSo you\u2019re back in time for the race, Adam.\u201d Abraham settled himself into a seat. \u201cAre you riding?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI hope to.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIn other words,\u201d Abraham leaned forward and spoke to Hoss, \u201che wants to ride one of my horses.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWe\u2019re in a bit of trouble, Abraham.\u201d Adam hated what he was about to ask, but he didn\u2019t see any way around it. \u201cWe need fifty thousand dollars.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou need money? Maybe you\u2019re more of a prodigal than you thought. What did you do this time?\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam told him the story, filling in parts of his past that he hadn\u2019t told him before. Hoss noticed that he didn\u2019t go into great detail about anything; he just gave the bare facts and let Abraham draw his own conclusions about emotions or motives. When he finished, Abraham leaned back.<\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s quite the quandary you\u2019re in. But I wouldn\u2019t worry too much about the little one; he sounds like he can take care of himself. What you need to focus on right now is your money \u2013 though if I were you I\u2019d just knock that Bates over the head and be done with.\u201d He stood and suddenly looked like a little boy about to show off a toy that he\u2019d made. \u201cFollow me.\u201d<\/p>\n

He led them out a back door toward the barn and pointed to a small paddock. Adam inhaled sharply as he caught sight of the horse inside.<\/p>\n

\u201cSomething, isn\u2019t he?\u201d Abraham beamed with pride as if he had been the one to sculpt the horse himself.<\/p>\n

\u201cHe sure is.\u201d Hoss stepped forward and took the animal in. He had two white socks on his long, reaching legs and a coronet on the third while the fourth had no markings but was the chestnut that covered his entire body, too light to be like fire, but to too dark to be like gold. His crest was high up on his long, muscular neck, and as he trotted over, Adam could see the muscles ripping in his shoulders and flanks. The horse put his chiseled head over the fence, and Adam noticed the curious intelligence in his dark eyes.<\/p>\n

\u201cHe\u2019s my entry in the race. But I don\u2019t have a rider yet.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam whirled to look at Abraham. \u201cYou want me to ride him?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThink you can?\u201d Abraham chuckled. \u201cHe\u2019s a lot of horse. But no other horse can match him, not around here anyway. You win the race, and you can keep the prize money.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam and Hoss blinked. While it had been what Adam was hoping for, he could barely believe it.<\/p>\n

\u201cBut it\u2019s your horse.\u201d Hoss said.<\/p>\n

\u201cExactly. I keep the horse, you keep the money. Who do you think is getting a better deal over the long run?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAbraham\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDon\u2019t argue with me, Adam. You ought to know by now that it\u2019s pointless.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam shrugged. He had a point.<\/p>\n

\u201cThis horse here, Minotaur, he\u2019s ready to win, but he needs a good rider. I didn\u2019t pick one because there\u2019s no one around here that can ride him the way he needs to be ridden. I want him to win, Adam. That\u2019s all. What would I do with the money? I\u2019ve got everything I need, right here.\u201d He patted Minotaur\u2019s red neck. \u201cI\u2019d end up giving it away anyway, and you need it more.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam exhaled. \u201cI\u2026 thank you.\u201d He swallowed past the lump in his throat, and suddenly the Ponderosa, which had been so far away, suddenly seemed in his grasp again.<\/p>\n

Abraham waved him off. \u201cSo, are you ready to ride him?\u201d<\/p>\n

~*~<\/p>\n

Even hours after the ride, Adam could still close his eyes and feel the sheer speed of Minotaur. If he\u2019d been breathing, the wind would have taken his breath away, but he hadn\u2019t been, at least not in the normal sense. His breaths had come and gone with each stride, his body moving with the horse as he thrust himself forward, collected, and then thrust again. The power behind each plunge had staggered his mind, but his body had simply shifted in the saddle and let the energy flow through him, back to the horse. For the first time he could remember, he\u2019d been whole with no thoughts, just the push and pull of Minotaur rocking his body.<\/p>\n

Now however, he was back on the ground, and his thoughts returned like rats to their nest. The wholeness had vanished, and once again he was incomplete, as if a third of him was gone. What remained hated himself. He shouldn\u2019t have let Joe go. He shouldn\u2019t have made it seem as if the Ponderosa was more important than his own brother. He\u2019d thought that given time he would be able to get through to him, but the notion of their time being cut short hadn\u2019t occurred to him. As he looked up at the night sky, he could almost see his father\u2019s face looking down, disappointed.<\/p>\n

\u201cSorry, I failed you.\u201d He said to the stars.<\/p>\n

\u201cTalking to yourself are you?\u201d Abraham joined him on the porch.<\/p>\n

\u201cTrying to commune with spirits.\u201d Adam muttered.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou clearly need to do more research about s\u00e9ances.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt doesn\u2019t matter. They\u2019re not really there.\u201d He said it so that Abraham could deny it, but instead the short old man remained silent.<\/p>\n

\u201cI shouldn\u2019t have left him.\u201d he finally said. After a moment he looked at Abraham. \u201cSince when are you so quiet? I thought you always had something to say.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI was just thinking; I do a good bit of that too. But why are you regretting your decision?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s just\u2026 he\u2019s so young. Older than I was when I was alone, but still\u2026 he\u2019s got this raw side to him. I guess I was afraid of scaring him away, but now I think I should have gone after him.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd if you had gone after him and things had gone wrong you\u2019d be kicking yourself just as hard.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat if I\u2019d gone after him and things had gone right?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHow should I know? I haven\u2019t even met him.\u201d Abraham leaned against the rail and coughed. Instantly Adam\u2019s attention was on his friend.<\/p>\n

\u201cAre you alright?\u201d<\/p>\n

Abraham waved a hand. \u201cThey say this cough will kill me eventually. For now I am.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhen\u2019s eventually?\u201d Adam asked warily.<\/p>\n

\u201cEventually. Not in the near future, I\u2019d say.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam conceded, slightly appeased and slipped back into his gloomy thoughts.<\/p>\n

\u201cDo you really think that no one is up there?\u201d Abraham said.<\/p>\n

\u201cI used to hope; I don\u2019t know if I believe it. Do you?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSon, after all I\u2019ve put up with in this life, I wouldn\u2019t mind at all if death was nothing but a long, never-ending nap.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThat didn\u2019t answer my question.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt wasn\u2019t supposed to. Why don\u2019t you ask someone whose opinion you don\u2019t already know?\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam paused as he reflected on this. It wasn\u2019t just a rhetorical question or a way for Abraham to avoid answering him.<\/p>\n

\u201cMaybe I don\u2019t want to know the answer.\u201d Adam finally admitted. He never would have thought that there was something he didn\u2019t want to know. As long as he could remember, he\u2019d always been hungry to know things, math, science, literature, languages, anything he could get his hands on. But this was something that scared him more than he wanted to let anyone know, including himself.<\/p>\n

\u201cKnowledge is painful. But I don\u2019t think anyone can know what happens after you die. Even the most religious only have a hazy idea. Some people believe a person returns to become someone else, reincarnation, others believe in a type of paradise. Most religions agree that death isn\u2019t the end and that the soul carries on after the body passes away. Now is this a human tendency to relieve our natural fear of death or are they on to something?\u201d he shrugged. \u201cYou can ask any Christian, and they\u2019ll tell you that your soul goes either to heaven or hell. Ask them what happens then, and they\u2019ll sputter until their face turns red, but they can\u2019t answer. Maybe people who are dead can see us and talk to us. I know several people who would stake their lives on the existence of ghosts and others who would do the same for the opposite.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThat doesn\u2019t really help.\u201d Adam said. But in a way it did; at least he knew he wasn\u2019t alone in his confusion. \u201cSometimes I think I let my parents down by not being able to believe. I\u2026 I pray to my Pa instead of God.\u201d<\/p>\n

Abraham put a hand on Adam\u2019s shoulder. \u201cI\u2019m sure he passes the prayer along. And if he was half the man you are I know he wouldn\u2019t condemn you.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHalf the man I am?\u201d Adam snorted. \u201cYou barely know me, and if you did, you\u2019d take that back.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou barely know me, and if you did you\u2019d take that back.\u201d Abraham retorted.<\/p>\n

Adam didn\u2019t answer. If Abraham wanted to believe he was a good person that was his affair. Adam preferred not to see himself as anything, not good, not bad, just a person trying to survive in a world that sometimes made it seem like it wasn\u2019t worth the effort. Quite the bleak view of life when you thought about it. He considered bringing it up, but he wasn\u2019t in the mood for a long philosophical debate at the moment. Abraham seemed to sense this and remained silent. For some reason Adam was glad he didn\u2019t leave. Maybe it reminded him of looking up at the stars with his Pa as they had traveled west.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhere\u2019s the bear, Pa?\u201d he would ask. And Pa would point out the different constellations to Adam and tell him stories of being on the sea and using the stars as a compass to steer by.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cHow can the stars be a compass?\u201d Adam had asked once.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cYou see that star right there at the end of the little dipper?\u201d Pa had pointed up to the star spattered sky. \u201cThat\u2019s the north star. Follow that and you can get wherever you want to go.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cWhat if it\u2019s cloudy?\u201d Adam had asked.<\/em><\/p>\n

Pa had laughed and wrapped his arm around Adam, who burrowed into the warmth of his father\u2019s embrace. \u201cThen I guess it\u2019s a good thing our ship had a real compass.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

Yes Pa, what if it is cloudy? Adam thought. So cloudy that I don\u2019t even know which direction is up. So cloudy that I don\u2019t even know where I want to go much less how to get there. What then?<\/p>\n

~*~<\/p>\n

Helen hadn\u2019t thought that his leaving was a good idea, and she\u2019d said so. His ribs were still bruised, and riding all day would only be painful.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ve already waited three days.\u201d Joe had said when she\u2019d protested. \u201cMy side barely hurts anymore.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBarely?\u201d Helen had raised her eyebrows and put her hands on her hips. Joe hadn\u2019t been able to help but smile.<\/p>\n

\u201cThose two won\u2019t be getting away with anything with you around.\u201d He had gestured toward the house that Mike and Sarah were inside of having already said their goodbyes.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m a mother; it\u2019s my job to worry.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ll be fine. I need to go.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019re not imposing.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo.\u201d Joe sighed. \u201cIt\u2019s not that. I wouldn\u2019t get much rest anyway right now. I need to get this taken care of.\u201d<\/p>\n

She nodded had though she couldn\u2019t have possibly understood. He was grateful that she had stopped trying to fight him, and when he had mounted she had simply put a hand on his knee.<\/p>\n

\u201cI hope you find what you\u2019re looking for.\u201d She had said.<\/p>\n

Joe adjusted his hat so that shade from the brim fell low over his face. \u201cMe too.\u201d<\/p>\n

Now he was wondering just what he was looking for. He had ridden for four days straight. Somehow he was afraid that if he stopped he wouldn\u2019t be able to start again, so he\u2019d kept going, stopping only to let his horse rest. The food that Helen had packed for him ran out after the first two days, but he barely noticed his empty stomach. It, along with his aching ribs and dry, tired eyes were in the very back of his mind while memories like wet clay clung to the front.<\/p>\n

Familiar land marks became more and more frequent \u2013 the creek he\u2019d stopped and drunk from on his way north, an apple tree that had given him a meal, a jagged old oak tree with initials carved into it. With each one he passed, he felt as if there was an invisible rope trying to pull him back. Probably his common sense. Joe gritted his teeth and continued to ride. His stubbornness had always been stronger than his common sense.<\/p>\n

He skirted around Durham not wanting to be tempted to stop. The place had grown from a dirty mining town into a quaint little town, and the road that ran past it was wider and the grass was carefully cut back, but as he went on, it became more ragged, and the road narrowed until he was on a small dirt track that wound its way past a tiny shack until it disappeared into nothingness. Joe reined in his horse in front of the shack. It was the same place he\u2019d left, sagging roof and grey boards like an old man\u2019s legs, but somehow the familiarity made it seem different, smaller perhaps. Joe sat on his horse and tried to convince himself to get down, but his legs felt like they\u2019d been nailed to the stirrups. He stared at the house for what seemed like years when his horse let out a cough, which pulled Joe out of his thoughts. He sighed and got down. There was no hitching post, but Scout was trained to ground tie, so he left him there and went to the door.<\/p>\n

It hung crookedly on its hinges and wasn\u2019t latched. It never had been. She had used to tie it off with a leather thong, but that had long since withered away before he left, and Joe had taken to pushing a chair in front of it during bad weather. He reached and pushed it open now, the rusty hinges giving away before his knuckles.<\/p>\n

\u201cWho\u2019s there?\u201d<\/p>\n

The voice made him stop halfway in the door, and the light coming in from behind him made it impossible to see through the stubborn dimness of the shack. Joe took off his hat and stepped forward, letting the door swing shut behind him. Suddenly he was aware of his own neat clothes sharply contrasting with the dusty shack and the tattered shirt and worn out boots of the scraggly man sitting in the wooden rocking chair. He was skinnier \u2013 most people gained weight when they drank, but Cal Greyer lost it \u2013 and Joe couldn\u2019t tell is his sparse red hair had grayed more or not through the layer of dirt in it. Cal scowled at Joe.<\/p>\n

\u201cI thought you were dead.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWell I\u2019m not.\u201d Joe\u2019s fingers ran along the brim of his hat nervously. He was sober, which meant he would actually be able to answer Joe\u2019s questions, but he would be mean as a snake about it.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat\u2019d you come back for then?\u201d<\/p>\n

For some reason Joe couldn\u2019t answer. The force that had been pulling him away now refused to let him do what he wanted most: ask his questions and then leave as quickly as possible. Gone was the tension and anger that had clawed at him, and now all he could do was to stare in pity at the man he had hated his entire life and wonder why he had. This man wasn\u2019t even worth the effort to hate because as Joe looked in his eyes, he saw that he already hated himself.
\n\u201cDid you bring anything to drink?\u201d Cal demanded.<\/p>\n

\u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThen why\u2019d you come? To show off your fancy new clothes to a man dressed in rags and wave your success in front of the face of your broken down Pa?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019re not my Pa.\u201d Joe snapped.<\/p>\n

Cal narrowed his eyes as if deciding whether or not he wanted to argue that point. Joe didn\u2019t give him the option.<\/p>\n

\u201cI found out who I am. My name is Cartwright. And I want to know how I got here and why you made me think I was your son.\u201d Joe\u2019s words were clipped, and he tried to make his voice sound like Adam\u2019s – authoritative and commanding.<\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t owe you anything.\u201d Cal leaned back and closed his eyes.<\/p>\n

\u201cNo?\u201d Joe took two steps and tipped the rocking chair forward so he was looking directly in Cal\u2019s eyes. He nearly gagged at the smell of the man\u2019s breath. \u201cI think you owe me a whole lot, both for my sake and for the sake of the woman who loved you for over ten years with nothing to show for it. If I wanted to, I could take it out of your hide right now. I\u2019d rather have answers, but if you\u2019re not going to give them to me then I guess I\u2019ll just take what I can and leave.\u201d<\/p>\n

He had no intention of taking anything out of his hide, but he had Cal convinced. The old man nodded, and Joe straightened, glad to be away from his grisly face.<\/p>\n

\u201cTell me what happened.\u201d Joe said.<\/p>\n

\u201cWe never had children, but Elena wanted them.\u201d He began, snarling like a coon in a trap. \u201cHer brother knew this, and one night he showed up on our doorstep with a three year old.\u201d He nodded meaningfully at Joe, and suddenly Joe was entranced as if he\u2019d been surrounded by a ragged old tent his entire life, and suddenly it was falling away, leaving him to finally see what was outside.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou both smelled like smoke, and you were asleep, but you had swollen eyes and a red face, like you\u2019d cried and hollered until you\u2019d fallen asleep from exhaustion. Juan looked exhausted as well.\u201d<\/p>\n

As he spoke, Joe could almost feel the heat of the flames on his face and taste the smoke raggedly in his throat. He heard a child screaming as if from far away. Was it him? Crying out for his Pa or his Mama and then for his brothers. But the man\u2019s hands had roughly hauled him onto a horse, and all of his screaming and struggling hadn\u2019t helped.<\/p>\n

Cal continued, \u201cHe dumped you in Elena\u2019s arms and told us we could keep you under one condition: we had to make you forget your real name and think you were our son. He said if you ever found out, he\u2019d kill us. You were supposed to die, but he said he wasn\u2019t a child murderer, and neither was his partner. I didn\u2019t want to keep you. Told Elena I was going to throw you in a sack in the river, but she got around me.\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe knew what her methods of getting around him had been. No doubt she\u2019d made sure he was in a drunken stupor for several days until Joe\u2019s existence in the shack had become a habit. He silently thanked the woman for her protection, wishing he\u2019d known before she had died.<\/p>\n

\u201cSo who told you?\u201d Cal said.<\/p>\n

\u201cMy brothers.\u201d Joe answered. He felt numb. It was as if so many emotions were assaulting him that he had shut down completely.<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd I suppose you\u2019re going now to ride off with them and leave your old man to rot.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIf I thought anything I did would make a difference, I would stay.\u201d Joe said. But he knew it wouldn\u2019t. Cal would never be more than this, not because he couldn\u2019t but because he didn\u2019t want to. Joe put his hat on and pulled open the door. He glanced back, wishing he could do something, but it would be futile. By the end of the day, Cal would forget it anyway, lost in drunken forgetfulness. For an instant Joe considered the merits of joining him and temporarily dulling the pain in his side and in his chest from the loss of Tom and both his families, but then he mounted. It wasn\u2019t worth it, he decided. Sooner or later you have to wake up face things because they never truly go away.<\/p>\n

He nudged Scout with his heels and as the horse walked down the lane back toward Durham, Joe suddenly felt lighter, as if he\u2019d left part of himself back in that shack. And it was a part he figured he could do without.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Minotaur strained against Adam, wanting to run all out, but Adam held him back. He wanted to build the horse up more, so he kept him collected at a ground covering gallop that was less than the horse\u2019s full potential. Even so, the trees and grass blurred together into one as they ran, and spit from Minotaur\u2019s mouth flew back to pelt him on his shirt and cheeks. After they were done running and Adam was walking him out Minotaur still pulled at the bit and pranced sideways. Adam chuckled slightly at his antics. Apparently in the horse\u2019s mind if Adam was still on his back there was a chance of running, so he slipped his feet out of the stirrups and slid to the ground to walk him out on foot, otherwise the horse would never cool down.<\/p>\n

\u201cFall off?\u201d Hoss asked good naturedly as Adam approached the barn leading Minotaur.<\/p>\n

\u201cIf I had, he\u2019d be clear in Texas by now.\u201d Adam said.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou two sure were flying.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd he wasn\u2019t even trying.\u201d Adam took off the saddle and grabbed a rag to rub the big chestnut down. Abraham entered the barn as Hoss joined Adam.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou ran him faster today than yesterday.\u201d He said.<\/p>\n

\u201cI could barely hold him back.\u201d<\/p>\n

Abraham nodded but for some reason Adam\u2019s statement seemed to trouble him. He surveyed the horse, running his hands over it for a moment. \u201cIf this was an ordinary race, he\u2019d win easily.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt ain\u2019t an ordinary race?\u201d Hoss asked.<\/p>\n

\u201cThe race is stacked every year; Mr. Hawkings always makes sure that the horse he back wins. He makes a killing off the gamblers in this town, not to mention the big timers that come from San Francisco.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cMaybe he\u2019ll back Minotaur. He\u2019s sure to win.\u201d<\/p>\n

Abraham shook his head. \u201cHe\u2019ll back someone who\u2019s not afraid to play a little dirty.\u201d He rubbed his chin thoughtfully. \u201cThink you could hold him back enough so that he doesn\u2019t look like competition, Adam?\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam glanced at the horse as he thought. \u201cNot without making it look like I was holding him back.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHe\u2019s that much of a spitfire?\u201d Abraham smiled fondly at his horse.<\/p>\n

\u201cHe reminds me of my little brother.\u201d Adam muttered. Hoss chuckled, and Adam gave him a rueful grin.<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, we\u2019ll have to think of something else to keep him safe until the race.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSafe?\u201d Hoss asked.<\/p>\n

\u201cSeveral years ago I had a horse that looked like he could be a contender. He colicked right before the race. Not badly, just enough to be unable to run.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cMaybe I should start sleeping in the barn.\u201d Hoss put a protective hand on Minotaur\u2019s shoulder.<\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t think that\u2019s strictly necessary, but if you want.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam remembered when Abraham had warned him about the race being fixed the first time he had ridden. He\u2019d told him to be careful, but Adam\u2019s horse hadn\u2019t been fast enough to be in any danger. Now however, things were different. Minotaur had a good chance of winning and therefore a good chance of being a target.<\/p>\n

\u201cMaybe I should stop running him out in the field.\u201d He said. \u201cAnyone could come by and see.\u201d<\/p>\n

Abraham glanced at Adam as if he\u2019d said something profound. \u201cMaybe. Hoss, saddle me a horse will you? I\u2019ve got something to take care of.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, sir.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019re not going to tell me?\u201d Adam asked.<\/p>\n

\u201cNot yet; I want to be sure first. But you\u2019ve given me an idea.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019re welcome.\u201d Adam said, a little disgruntled.<\/p>\n

Abraham laughed. \u201cI\u2019ll tell you when I get back. In the meantime why don\u2019t you boys go to town or something? You\u2019ve been cooped up on this ranch for a while now. You might as well have some fun.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd what do you propose we do for fun?\u201d Adam asked.<\/p>\n

\u201cHow should I know? Go to the saloon, meet a girl, break a few windows.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s a little early for that.\u201d Adam said.<\/p>\n

\u201cFine!\u201d Abraham threw up his hands. \u201cBe a stick in the mud. I\u2019ll be back.\u201d He took the horse that Hoss brought out and rode off.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat was that all about?\u201d Hoss asked.<\/p>\n

\u201cDo you want to go into town?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDo you?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIf you had seen Abraham\u2019s library, you wouldn\u2019t be asking me that question.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cMind if I go?\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam shook his head. \u201cHave fun. Try to stay out of trouble, will you?\u201d<\/p>\n

Hoss just laughed and went to saddle up his own horse. \u201cYou\u2019re the one that\u2019s always getting into trouble, big brother.\u201d<\/p>\n

That was true, Adam reflected. Maybe it was just as well he wasn\u2019t going.<\/p>\n

~*~<\/p>\n

His side was screaming at him for rest, so Joe stopped in Durham. He felt around in his pocket and pulled out a few coins. Not enough for lunch if he wanted to feed Scout too, but probably enough for coffee. Getting something in his stomach was better than nothing, he figured, so he headed over to the first restaurant he saw. A young woman who wore a checkered red apron over her pregnant belly walked over when Joe sat down.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat can I get you?\u201d she asked. \u201cThey\u2019re cooking up a bunch of hotcakes right now with buttermilk.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cJust coffee, thanks.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAlright.\u201d<\/p>\n

As she walked away, Joe wondered how far along she was. She looked like she was ready to give birth right that morning.<\/p>\n

His numbness was starting to melt away long enough for Joe to think rationally. There was no way he was making it much farther south with what he had \u2013 which was pretty much nothing. He took a sip of coffee and tried to think of another plan.<\/p>\n

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw the young woman carrying a heavy tray of food. Instantly he was on his feet.<\/p>\n

\u201cLet me get that for you.\u201d He said, taking it from her as she protested.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s not all that heavy.\u201d She said.<\/p>\n

He raised his eyebrows at her. \u201cWhere\u2019s it go?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThis way.\u201d She sheepishly led the way to a table with a family of five.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou didn\u2019t have to do that.\u201d She said. \u201cBut thank you.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cJust let me know if you need me again. You shouldn\u2019t me carrying heavy things.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh trust me, nothing can stop this little one.\u201d She put a hand on her stomach. \u201cNeed more coffee?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cPlease.\u201d Joe noticed a newspaper sitting on one of the table. \u201cMind if I read that?\u201d he asked.<\/p>\n

\u201cNot at all.\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe settled back down at his table and opened the paper. Maybe there would be a job posting. Not that he wanted to stick around Durham, but the paper came from San Francisco, so there was a good chance he could find something farther away. He had meant to flip through to the classifieds, but a name caught his eye. Cartwright. Joe stopped and stared at the article. It was about a horse race in Sacramento, and it listed the names of all the horses and riders. Joe rubbed his eyes and looked again. Minotaur, owned by Abraham Rosner, ridden by Adam Cartwright. And the purse was fifty thousand dollars.<\/p>\n

That sly dog. Joe thought. Instantly he was on his feet.<\/p>\n

\u201cLeaving so soon?\u201d the waitress asked.<\/p>\n

\u201cYeah. There\u2019s somewhere I need to be.\u201d Joe called over his shoulder. He leaped onto Scout with a swing mount and urged the horse into a canter. He could almost hear Scout moan along with his own sore body, but he ignored it. There would be time enough to rest once he\u2019d caught up with Adam and Hoss.<\/p>\n

~*~<\/p>\n

Adam had spent most of the afternoon with his nose buried in Abraham\u2019s books, barely noticing the time pass. He remembered that Pa, a literary man himself, had always been astounded at Adam\u2019s continual thirst for anything he could get his hands on to read. The habit had started on his trip west when it had been just him and Pa, who had taught him his letters as they jostled along with everything they owned in the back of their wagon, and ever since then Adam had always had a fascination for the written word. Even when life had been good, reading had always been an escape for him, a chance to get out of his own world and enter into someone else\u2019s, to see through another person\u2019s eyes for a little while. And when he came back to his world from the other one, he always felt calmer and able to think more clearly.<\/p>\n

\u201cHey, Adam!\u201d Hoss\u2019 voice drifted in through the open window, but Adam ignored it, deep in an ancient copy of Beowulf.<\/p>\n

\u201cAdam!\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam snapped the book shut and stood, irritated. There was a difference between coming out of another world of your own accord and being yanked out.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat?\u201d he yelled out the window. He couldn\u2019t see the barn from the side of the house he was on, and he wondered what was so important that Hoss had to interrupt him, especially considering the way Adam had snapped at Hoss after he had disturbed him when Hoss had first gotten back from town.<\/p>\n

\u201cGet out here!\u201d<\/p>\n

Clearly he wasn\u2019t going to be able to read anymore until he found out what Hoss wanted. He regretfully put the book down and went outside. Then he stopped dead in his tracks. Abraham turned with Hoss grinning beside him.<\/p>\n

\u201cWell?\u201d Hoss asked.<\/p>\n

Adam shook his head. Abraham was holding a bright red horse with long legs and an equally long neck. He looked a lot like Minotaur except that he didn\u2019t have the powerful muscle to fill out his gangliness. But the similarity was eerie.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhere did he come from?\u201d Adam stepped forward and put a hand on the horse to make sure it was real.<\/p>\n

\u201cHis name is Red. He\u2019s a cousin of Minotaur\u2019s that I sold to a friend out near Placerville. I went over and asked if I could borrow him until the race.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBut how will we make people think he\u2019s our racer?\u201d Adam asked.<\/p>\n

\u201cHand me those pullers.\u201d Abraham started to bend over to pick up the horse\u2019s foot and then handed the tool to Hoss as he started coughing. \u201cYou\u2019d better do it. Pull one of his shoes; it doesn\u2019t matter which.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAlright.\u201d Hoss looked at Adam, who shrugged. Whatever Abraham had in mind, they\u2019d find out soon enough. Hoss bent over and within a few minutes Red was missing a shoe.<\/p>\n

\u201cGood.\u201d Abraham said. \u201cYou boys saddle up; you can come with me into town.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat for?\u201d Hoss asked.<\/p>\n

\u201cThe horse just lost a shoe! We\u2019ll have to get another put on, won\u2019t we?\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam laughed at Hoss\u2019 helpless look as understanding finally dawned on him.<\/p>\n

\u201cThe missing shoe is just an excuse to take him into town and show him off a little.\u201d He said.<\/p>\n

Abraham nodded. \u201cNow you\u2019re getting it. We\u2019ll go in and talk about how fast he is, and then tomorrow morning they\u2019ll be bound to be a few people out to watch you ride our racehorse.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOnly it\u2019ll be Red instead of Minotaur.\u201d Hoss finished.<\/p>\n

\u201cExactly.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam crossed his arms and shook his head. \u201cI told you he\u2019d think of something.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Once in Sacramento, Joe realized how little of a plan he had. Not for finding Hoss and Adam; that would be a simple matter of asking around. No, what he really hadn\u2019t planned out was what he was going to do once he found them. Maybe they figured he was a lost cause and didn\u2019t want him around. Maybe Adam was mad about Joe telling Jesse who he was.<\/p>\n

\u201cMaybe this was a bad idea.\u201d he muttered. But he wasn\u2019t much of one to turn back even if what he was doing wasn\u2019t very smart, so he straightened his shoulders and guided his horse through Sacramento. As he turned off one street onto another, he noticed a small crowd that had gathered over at the blacksmith\u2019s. Curious, Joe rode over. There was a wiry, older man holding a tall chestnut at the front of the crowd. Not the most impressive horse Joe had ever seen, but not too bad looking.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m telling you, this horse really has it. He may be a winner.\u201d the old man was saying. \u201cHe\u2019s got a bit of his grandfather\u2019s spirit in him.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019re always going on about that old horse, but you\u2019ve never bred a winner yet.\u201d someone called out.<\/p>\n

\u201cThis year things will be different. Right, Adam?\u201d the man gestured to someone behind him, and Joe nearly fell off his horse. Hoss and Adam stood behind the old man next to the horse. Joe didn\u2019t know how he\u2019d missed them.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou think you can run this horse fast enough to win?\u201d someone asked.<\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s the plan.\u201d Adam answered.<\/p>\n

Joe grinned and crossed his arms over his saddle horn. \u201cHe doesn\u2019t look like much to me.\u201d he called.<\/p>\n

Adam and Hoss looked up, and Joe nearly laughed at the astonished looks on their faces. Hoss was the first to recover.<\/p>\n

\u201cJoe!\u201d he stepped forward, and Joe dismounted, grunting slightly as his feet hit the ground.<\/p>\n

\u201cCareful.\u201d he said when Hoss reached for him.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat\u2019d you do?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cUh\u2026 fell against a tree.\u201d Joe said sheepishly.<\/p>\n

Hoss frowned. \u201cIf I were you, little brother, I\u2019d avoid trees. Seems like they\u2019re always the ones winning.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cTrue.\u201d Joe turned to Adam, and suddenly now that he was face to face with his brother, he remembered why he\u2019d left in the first place. He heard the shot again and saw Tom\u2019s pale face, the life drained out of it like blood from a pig.<\/p>\n

\u201cAdam.\u201d he said awkwardly.<\/p>\n

Adam nodded. \u201cWelcome back.\u201d<\/p>\n

Abraham cleared his throat, effectively breaking the awkward tension. \u201cSo I take it this is the prodigal then?\u201d he said.<\/p>\n

\u201cMore like Oliver Twist.\u201d Adam replied.<\/p>\n

Joe glanced at him, wondering if that was a compliment or an insult.<\/p>\n

\u201cSo Abraham, are you wanting to make a wager on the race?\u201d someone called out, clearly uninterested in the young man that had disrupted the spectacle.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m not gambler, Johnny. You should know that. And now if you\u2019ll excuse me, some of us have more to do than stand in the street gawking all day. Are you coming to supper, lad?\u201d he asked Joe.<\/p>\n

\u201cSure.\u201d Joe said gratefully to the man who had seemed to grasp the essence of the situation within a glance. He mounted his horse and fell in line with Hoss, Adam, and Abraham, the latter of whom tied the chestnut\u2019s lead line to the horn of his saddle before mounting. They rode away as the crowd grudgingly dispersed.<\/p>\n

\u201cHow\u2019d you find us, Joe?\u201d Hoss asked.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019re in the paper. Or Adam is. Not that hard.\u201d Joe answered he glanced at Adam, unsure of how to act.<\/p>\n

Adam wasn\u2019t sure himself. He\u2019d sensed the hesitation of his younger brother, and it had immediately put him on guard. Now he was having a hard time lessening his defenses. Thankfully Abraham once again picked up the slack.<\/p>\n

\u201cSo you\u2019re here for the race then? Wonderful. We can use all the help we can get.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019re gonna need more than just me to help if you think that thing can win.\u201d Joe nodded to the chestnut who was complacently tagging along beside Abraham\u2019s roan.<\/p>\n

Hoss grinned. \u201cThat\u2019s not our racer. He\u2019s just the decoy. Tomorrow Adam\u2019s gonna ride him out in the field so that any prying eyes can see that he\u2019s not all that fast and then he\u2019ll run the real racer down in the bottom of Abraham\u2019s pasture where no one will see.\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe raised his eyebrows. \u201cAnd the reason for all this cloak and dagger stuff is\u2026?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cTo keep Minotaur, the real horse safe from anyone who might want to gain an advantage unethically.\u201d Abraham answered.<\/p>\n

Joe shook his head. \u201cNothing can ever be simple.\u201d he muttered.<\/p>\n

When they got back to the ranch, Hoss took Joe to see the real racehorse. Joe\u2019s eyes widened as he saw the big horse.<\/p>\n

\u201cAdam\u2019s going to ride this thing?\u201d he asked, instantly jealous.<\/p>\n

\u201cYep. And let me tell you, he\u2019s faster\u2019n greased lightning.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cLooks like it.\u201d Joe slipped over the fence and into the horse\u2019s corral to examine him. Every muscle on the horse was perfect, like it had been chiseled out on purpose.<\/p>\n

\u201cSay, Joe\u2026\u201d Hoss stopped, not sure which question he wanted to ask first: why Joe had left or why he\u2019d come back. \u201cI guess this has been pretty hard for you.\u201d he finally said.<\/p>\n

Joe turned his face away from Hoss, pretending to be looking at Minotaur\u2019s legs. In reality he didn\u2019t want Hoss to see any sadness on his face. He hadn\u2019t counted on coming back being this hard.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m alright, Hoss.\u201d he said when he could trust his voice. He didn\u2019t want Hoss to know he was still torn up about Tom. Hoss might tell Adam and Adam wouldn\u2019t think he couldn\u2019t trust Joe. More than anything Joe wanted to belong here by the side of his two brothers. If that meant ignoring his feelings, then that was the way it would be. It wasn\u2019t like he hadn\u2019t done it before.<\/p>\n

\u201cIf you ever want to talk about anything, you know I\u2019m here.\u201d Hoss said.<\/p>\n

\u201cI know.\u201d Joe took a deep breath and turned, digging up a smile from somewhere to plant on his face. \u201cIs there anything to eat around here?\u201d<\/p>\n

Hoss hid his concern behind a forced smile. If Joe wanted to play tough then that was the way it would have to be. For now at least.<\/p>\n

\u201cCome on.\u201d He said.<\/p>\n

~*~<\/p>\n

\u201cHe\u2019s something, isn\u2019t he?\u201d Abraham said to Joe as they watched Adam work Minotaur. The sun had barely cleared the horizon, and a hazy dampness that smelled of green and hay clung to the morning. The grass Joe scuffed at left watery traces on his boots. He wished he was Adam right now, riding a piece of wind with the earth and all of its problems being pounded beneath hooves like thunder.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou know, you and Adam are a lot alike.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cReally.\u201d Joe didn\u2019t believe it. They were about as different as a turkey and a fish.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou both clam up when you\u2019re unsure.\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe didn\u2019t know how to respond to that, so he decided not to. Then he wondered if that was considered \u2018clamming up\u2019 and thought that maybe he should say something to prove the old man wrong, but Abraham beat him to it.<\/p>\n

\u201cDo you know the origin of the name Cartwright?\u201d he asked.<\/p>\n

\u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt comes from the days when a person\u2019s surname came from their trade. So a Cartwright would be\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cA cart builder?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThere may be a brain up there after all.\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe decided to take the insult as a compliment and regarded the old man with mild amusement. He seemed so out of place leaning up against the fence watching his horse run in his white shirt and shiny shoes. And yet somehow he fit more than the most rugged cowboy.<\/p>\n

\u201cNow a cartwright is a man who makes his living creating wooden boxes of opportunity.\u201d Abraham went on in a thoughtful tone. \u201cHe fits the wheels on and makes sure the seat is solid and the floorboards won\u2019t rot away, and then he sells his cart to a man who can use it for hauling grain, or moving everything he owns across the country to try to carve a life out of the wilderness, or for taking his sweetheart to a dance. A cartwright never knows what those wheels he puts on will see or where they\u2019ll roll. He just slides them on and makes another cart.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSo you\u2019re saying that I have no idea how my actions will impact other people.\u201d<\/p>\n

Abraham stared at him like he was insane. \u201cNot at all. I taught history, not theology, boy; that was a lesson in origins.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh.\u201d Joe snapped his mouth shut. Then curiosity made him open it again. \u201cSo why did you stop teaching and start breeding horses then?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cA man shouldn\u2019t be tied to one lifestyle; if he wants to change halfway through his life, he has the right. Nobody owes society predictability or consistency. That\u2019s not why I quit though.\u201d He pulled out a handkerchief and coughed into it before continuing. \u201cThere were too many spoiled young brats who though that they owned the world just because they had money. They thought their father\u2019s hard work to create a fortune was enough that they could ride through life as if they were drifting down a stream. I got fed up with trying to teach history to people who only cared about themselves. So I quit, came west, and bought my first horse. That one\u2026\u201d he pointed. \u201cIs his grandbaby, and the first one I\u2019ve had that reflects him like a polished mirror. \u2018Hast thou given the horse strength? Hast thou clothed his neck with thunder? Canst thou make him afraid as a grasshopper? The glory of his nostrils is terrible. He paweth in the valley, and rejoiceth in his strength: he goeth on to meet the armed men. He mocketh at fear, and is not affrighted; neither turneth he back from the sword. The quiver rattleth against him, the glittering spear and the shield. He swalloweth the ground with fierceness and rage: neither believeth he that it is the sound of the trumpet. He saith among the trumpets, Ha, ha; and he smelleth the battle afar off, the thunder of the captains, and the shouting.\u2019 I don\u2019t suppose you know who said that.\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe stared at him blankly.<\/p>\n

\u201cGod said it. Job thirty-nine verses nineteen to twenty-five. Read the Bible, son. It\u2019ll show you just how stupid people are. \u2018And God took a handful of Southerly Wind, blew His breath upon it, and created the horse.\u2019\u201d He glanced at Joe but thankfully didn\u2019t ask him who had said that. \u201cIt\u2019s an old Bedouin legend. Every time I see that horse it makes me think of it. See that horse, he\u2019s knows who his grandpa is. And he\u2019s ready to make him proud. He knows that with his lines there\u2019s not a reason in the world that he can\u2019t win this race with room to spare.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDo you think knowing your roots is that important?\u201d Joe suddenly wanted to hear this grizzled old man\u2019s opinion.<\/p>\n

\u201cDo you?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI didn\u2019t. I used to think it was only about who you were, not who came behind you. But that was when I thought my father was a drunken bum.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd what caused him to be a \u2018drunken bum\u2019?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat do you mean?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWas his father in turn a drunken bum, in which case your argument about who came behind you not being important is void, or did he start out a bright star that ultimately fell from the sky and became an empty crater for the world to pity?\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe blinked. He wasn\u2019t sure how to answer that, or even if he\u2019d understood the question, but Abraham seemed to take pity on his clueless facial expression.<\/p>\n

\u201cNo one exists alone in the world, Joseph. As we live we change and are changed by others, like rocks rubbing against each other. A person needs to know where he came from to fully understand himself.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, then I guess I have no idea who I am.\u201d Joe let his chin fall to his hand that rested on the top of the fence.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou know who you were; now you have another dimension to add.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd no idea how to add it.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m sure you\u2019ll figure something out.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThanks.\u201d Joe muttered. For a moment he watched Minotaur prance restlessly as Adam tried to rein him in. The horse wanted to run, but Adam still wouldn\u2019t let him go full out. Not yet. Joe watched his brother ride, his legs and hands gently containing the feisty beast beneath him, his body strong and balanced on top. Joe couldn\u2019t help wishing again that he was the one up there even as he admired Adam\u2019s skill.<\/p>\n

\u201cHow did you meet Adam anyway?\u201d he asked.<\/p>\n

\u201cHe was a rider for the race several years ago.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWas that before he became a gunman?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhy did you use the word \u2018became\u2019?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIn Spanish they use the phrase \u2018llegar a ser\u2019 to express becoming something. Literally translated it means to arrive at being, but the verb \u2018ser\u2019 is a permanent and inward form of being as opposed to \u2018estar\u2019 the other Spanish word for being that is more temporary and less intrinsic.\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe blinked again and wondered if Abraham enjoyed confusing him.<\/p>\n

\u201cIn other words, do you really think your brother became a man who lives by his gun or just someone who had a job that required gun use?\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe didn\u2019t know the answer. \u201cAre you sure you didn\u2019t teach theology?\u201d he finally said.<\/p>\n

Abraham laughed. \u201cJust like people, no subject ever truly stands alone. There\u2019s mathematics in poetry and philosophy in science. How do you think Archimedes or Galileo arrived at their discoveries? By dreaming and philosophizing about what was beyond the knowledge of their time. Man is only ever limited by his own mind, nothing else.\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe wondered if he was specifically talking about the current situation or just rambling again, but before he got the chance to ask, Adam pulled Minotaur up in front of them and dismounted.<\/p>\n

\u201cHe\u2019s raring to go.\u201d Adam said.<\/p>\n

\u201cHe\u2019ll get his chance. Are you ready to go ride our decoy?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNever a moment\u2019s rest.\u201d Adam muttered. He looped Minotaur\u2019s reins over the saddle horn of the horse he\u2019d ridden out to the pasture and mounted. Joe and Abraham followed suit. The easiness that had developed between Abraham and Joe instantly withered, and Joe sighed to himself, wondering if he would ever be able to talk to Adam the way he talked to Hoss.<\/p>\n

\u201cHow are your ribs, Joe?\u201d Abraham asked.<\/p>\n

\u201cFine.\u201d Joe said. They barely hurt unless he put pressure on them. \u201cWhy?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ve got a load of feed that needs to be picked up in town. Could you and Hoss go while we take care of the busy bodies that want to see our horse?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSure.\u201d Joe couldn\u2019t help but smile. Maybe if it was just he and Hoss things would be less tense.<\/p>\n

~*~<\/p>\n

After riding Minotaur, Red seemed almost like an old mule. It wasn\u2019t the horse\u2019s fault, but Adam still felt as if he had to push him to a gait faster than a crawl.<\/p>\n

\u201cWell one thing\u2019s for sure: if anyone\u2019s watching they won\u2019t be impressed.\u201d he said to the horse as they took their third lap around the large field. As he passed Abraham he noticed that he now had two spectators. No doubt they had invented some errand as an excuse to come and see just how fast this gangly red horse was while the real racer was resting in the barn after his morning run. By the time he finished there were several more people, who quickly dispersed when they saw that the show as over.<\/p>\n

\u201cWell?\u201d Adam asked.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019d say that before noon everyone will be saying that my race horse doesn\u2019t stand a chance and it\u2019s just Abraham being crazy again.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAgain?\u201d Adam asked, a smile playing on his lips.<\/p>\n

\u201cAgain. They used to call me crazy all the time when I first started here with just a horse and a dream. When I succeeded they quickly fell out of the habit.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou don\u2019t think it\u2019s crazy, do you? To chase a dream?\u201d Adam asked, thinking of his Pa and the dream that had led him across and entire country.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhen a man starts out with just a dream and the clothes on his back, he\u2019s called crazy until he succeeds; then he\u2019s called an inspiration.\u201d Abraham answered. \u201cWhy do you ask?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m just thinking about my Pa.\u201d Adam remembered so many nights when his Pa would put him to sleep with stories about the ranch they were going to build.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019ll be the largest ranch for miles with enough room for our cattle to stretch their legs. And you too, Adam. We\u2019ll go where people aren\u2019t even settling yet to make sure the land we get is pure and untouched. It\u2019ll be wild, but we\u2019ll tame it and out of it we\u2019ll build a kingdom that will last long after you and I are gone.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam frowned and dismounted. Long after? He thought. More like three days. He led Red into the barn, and the horse tossed his head slightly against Adam pulling at the bit before he followed. Abraham watched him untack in silence.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat\u2019s on your mind, son?\u201d he finally said.<\/p>\n

\u201cNothing.\u201d Adam answered.<\/p>\n

\u201cImpossible. There\u2019s always some form of thinking happening.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam sighed and closed his eyes briefly. There was a point when speaking intellectually got old, and they were rapidly approaching it.<\/p>\n

\u201cIf you don\u2019t want to talk about it\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI just\u2026\u201d Adam cut him off and then didn\u2019t know what to say.<\/p>\n

\u201cLook at it, Adam. When God made the world, he touched this spot and made it into an imitation of heaven.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam tried to glare at his father\u2019s voice in his head, but he only managed to irritate Red by rubbing him too hard. The horse flinched and stepped sideways.<\/p>\n

\u201cTake a minute, Adam.\u201d Abraham said.<\/p>\n

Adam sat and as he exhaled, it seemed like all the fight to keep his emotions in went out of him with his breath. \u201cI failed him.\u201d His voice was barely audible as he spoke through his hands. \u201cHe tried to build something out of nothing, and I let it go to waste. And then I nearly lost Joe.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBut you didn\u2019t.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam snorted. \u201cThat still has yet to be determined.\u201d He closed his eyes and leaned back against a beam, letting the solidness of the wood soak into his scalp. \u201cI miss him.\u201d He said. \u201cIt\u2019s been fourteen years, and I miss him as much as I did the day it happened.\u201d<\/p>\n

Abraham laid a hand on Adam\u2019s shoulder. \u201cAnd you\u2019ll miss him until the day you die.\u201d He said gently.<\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s comforting.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt wasn\u2019t meant to be.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam opened his eyes in order to narrow them Abraham.<\/p>\n

\u201cLife isn\u2019t always the way you want it. You know that better than most. And the truth isn\u2019t always comforting. If I told you things would get better, would you believe me?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo. But it\u2019d be nice.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI lost a woman I\u2019d loved for twelve years, and I still feel her absence like a knife. But you\u2019re not alone, Adam. Not anymore, even though you do have a propensity for isolating yourself.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam couldn\u2019t argue with that. He remained where he was for a few more minutes, allowing himself to stop pretending to be strong before he stood again. Red looked at him warily when he picked up the piece of sacking, but Adam\u2019s hands were gentle as he rubbed away the saddle mark.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m assuming that if I ask you if you\u2019ll be alright you\u2019ll answer yes regardless of the truth?\u201d Abraham said.<\/p>\n

Adam smiled. \u201cYour assumption is correct.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThen in that case I have some business over at Jed Harding\u2019s ranch. Don\u2019t wait for me at supper; his wife makes the best cherry pie you\u2019ve ever eaten.\u201d He hesitated. \u201cHoss ought to be back in a few of hours.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ll be fine, Abraham.\u201d Adam\u2019s smile grew as he pretended to glare at his friend. \u201cAs you said, I\u2019m used to being alone; I think I can handle a few hours of having no one around. It might be nice to not have someone constantly spitting out clever thoughts that he thinks makes him sound wise and knowledgeable.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThere\u2019s a difference between thinking and knowing, lad. I know that I sound wise and knowledgeable, and it\u2019s because I am. And I might add that if you were a little more knowledgeable, you would give that poor horse you\u2019re going to be racing a little more hay.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam shook his head and turned Red out in his corral. \u201cIf you say so.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnother thing you can do is to dig around in the tack room and find the racing saddle.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cRacing saddle?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s probably the smallest saddle you\u2019ll ever see. Dust it off and try it on Minotaur to make sure it fits. I don\u2019t want it sliding in the race. You can run him in it tomorrow.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnything else?\u201d Adam asked.<\/p>\n

Abraham narrowed his eyes. \u201cDon\u2019t get snide with me, boy.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam laughed at Abraham\u2019s school master stance and went back into the barn while Abraham mounted and rode away.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Hoss had thought that if Joe came back everything would be alright. Even if they didn\u2019t get the Ponderosa, they would be together again, a family. But there was still tension, though it wasn\u2019t as blatant as before. And the subtle tension seemed to be aimed at everyone, Adam, himself, even Abraham. Hoss couldn\u2019t figure it. But then, there were a lot of things he couldn\u2019t figure about people. Maybe that was why he got along so well with animals; they were a lot less complicated and a whole lot more straightforward. Animals didn\u2019t try to hide or fake things, they just let whatever was on their mind show in their body. Too bad Joe wasn\u2019t doing the same; it might make it easier for Hoss to make conversation as they drove Abraham\u2019s wagon into Sacramento to pick up some supplies. But Joe was silent, and Hoss wasn\u2019t sure if he wanted to talk or not, so he decided on the safer option and remained quiet all the way from the ranch until he pulled the wagon up in front of the mercantile, weaving in and out of people in the congested streets.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhere did all these people come from?\u201d he muttered.<\/p>\n

\u201cThey\u2019re probably here for the race.\u201d Joe spoke for the first time.<\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s not until the day after tomorrow.\u201d Hoss said. He jumped down. \u201cWhat do you say\u2026\u201d Hoss began and then stopped, whipping his head around. He\u2019d caught sight of a man with ash blonde hair like the Finches. Hoss craned his neck to see if he\u2019d been imagining things.<\/p>\n

\u201cHoss?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDid you see that?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSee what?\u201d Joe glanced around in an attempt to catch sight of whatever it was that his brother had seen.<\/p>\n

Hoss started to say he\u2019d thought he\u2019d seen someone who looked like a Finch and then stopped. He was probably wrong, and he didn\u2019t want to make things worse by bringing it up. He would just have to be on the lookout.<\/p>\n

\u201cNothing. Let\u2019s go inside.\u201d He said.<\/p>\n

Joe meandered around the store while Hoss filled the list, glancing at the various cloths, spices, and tools. Then his eye caught sight of the rifle.<\/p>\n

It was carefully engraved and inlaid with silver swirls, and it was almost an exact copy of the one that Tom had received for his birthday one year. The first time he had used it, he had saved Joe\u2019s life.<\/p>\n

They had been hunting a mountain lion for three days without catching sight of it. Tom had wanted to quit and go look for a more easily found prey, and Joe had been certain they would find him. So they\u2019d stayed one more day. Joe had scurried up a steep hill to look around for the animal below, unaware that the cat looked down on him from above. He\u2019d heard Tom\u2019s yell and then a gunshot, and he\u2019d turned just in time to see the large yellow cat fall out of the air, letting out a final yowl. If he\u2019d blinked, he would have missed it, and if Tom had blinked, Joe wouldn\u2019t have survived. But Tom had only grinned shakily up at him, the delayed panic on his face matching Joe\u2019s.<\/p>\n

\u201cGuess we found the lion.\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe frowned as he stared at the rifle, mad at himself for remembering. It was in the past now, gone. There was no point in reliving it. He moved away from the gun and focused his attention on various knives, but they blurred in front of his eyes.<\/p>\n

When Hoss had finished going over the list, he crumpled it back into his pocket and grabbed the box. \u201cAbraham wanted us to get a load of feed too.\u201d He said to the storekeeper.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s out back.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cCome on, Joe.\u201d Hoss glanced around when there was no answer. \u201cJoe?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cRight.\u201d Joe turned and followed Hoss outside. As they loaded the heavy feed sacks, Hoss tried to keep from asking the question that he was quickly learning Joe hated, but eventually he gave in.<\/p>\n

\u201cAre you alright, Joe?\u201d he asked.<\/p>\n

\u201cFine.\u201d Joe heaved the last sack onto the wagon with a muted thump and swung his arms to relieve the muscles. Amazingly, his ribs were silent. \u201cDo we need anything else?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo, that\u2019s it.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI think I\u2019m gonna stick around here for a while.\u201d Joe couldn\u2019t go back right now, not with so many memories clogging up his head. He needed to let it clear a little first.<\/p>\n

\u201cHow will you get back to the ranch?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou can bring my horse when you come into town to see that redhead at the saloon you were telling me about.\u201d Joe managed a wobbly smile that almost passed for a grin.<\/p>\n

\u201cAlright. But don\u2019t you go sweet talking her behind my back.\u201d Hoss waved a finger at him.<\/p>\n

\u201cI won\u2019t.\u201d<\/p>\n

Hoss climbed up onto the wagon and flicked the reins at the horses. The heavy wagon slowly rolled forward into motion. Hoss leaned back against the seat, remembering how many times he\u2019s sat on the other side of it while his Pa or Adam drove a wagon full of supplies back to the Ponderosa. He had begged so many times to drive the wagon. Adam usually let him, Pa usually didn\u2019t.<\/p>\n

\u201cJust sit back and enjoy the ride, son; soon enough you\u2019ll be wishing you weren\u2019t old enough to drive.\u201d He would say.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ll never.\u201d Hoss had insisted once. \u201cI want to be big enough to do everything you and Adam do.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

Pa had laughed and ruffled his hair. \u201cThat\u2019ll come sooner than you think.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

Those days sure had come, though in a way that Pa would never have been able to imagine. Hoss sighed and thought of Joe. Maybe the kid was lucky not being able to remember anything. Sometimes it seemed like memories only made things worse.<\/p>\n

~*~<\/p>\n

Sacramento boasted a wide variety of shops, stores, and attractions without the cramped city feel on San Francisco, but Joe passed shop after shop without stopping. He didn\u2019t feel like looking at more things that would potentially make him feel gloomier than he was feeling right now, so instead he drifted aimlessly like a stray dog. As he walked he noticed that the people around him seemed to move in pairs or small groups. A woman leaned on the arm of her husband, three young men jostled against each other jokingly, and a group of women chatted as they walked side by side down the street. He was the only one alone. Maybe he should have ridden back with Hoss after all.<\/p>\n

A shout cut off his thoughts, and Joe peered into an alleyway to see what was happening. His jaw clenched as he saw three boys taking turns throwing punches at another boy, smaller and wearing clothes with patches attempting to hide their tatters. The sight brought him back to days when he\u2019d been the smaller boy, beaten up because his Pa was a drunk and his Ma did whatever she had to do to put food on the table and get his booze. As much as Joe wanted to intervene, he knew that the boys would take their irritation at being stopped out on their victim later. So he waited until they\u2019d gotten their final kicks in and then went over and held out a hand.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou ok, kid?\u201d he asked.<\/p>\n

\u201cSure.\u201d The boy\u2019s teeth were gritted as he ignored Joe\u2019s hand and buckled down any stray emotions that might make him seem vulnerable. Joe knew the look too well.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou know what you do with guys like that?\u201d he scooted down next to the boy. The boy studied him, clearly wondering if he was an enemy. Joe met his careful eyes and continued, \u201cYou let them hit you. And then you let them hit you again. And again. As hard as they want. And you don\u2019t flinch. You let them knock you down as many times as they want and then you get back up because they\u2019re only making themselves weaker as they make you stronger. But you don\u2019t hate them. You just take what they give you until the day you prove them wrong.\u201d<\/p>\n

The boy held Joe\u2019s intense gaze for a second more and then slowly nodded. Then he took Joe\u2019s offered hand and stood. Joe reached in his pocket and pulled out the money his hand closed over.<\/p>\n

\u201cHere.\u201d He said.<\/p>\n

\u201cNo thanks.\u201d<\/p>\n

He should have expected that, but he took the boy\u2019s hand and closed it over the money.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s a loan; you can pay me back someday.\u201d He said.<\/p>\n

\u201cHow?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m sure you\u2019ll think of something\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cLuke.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cLuke. I\u2019m Joe Cartwright.\u201d The name slipped off his tongue like honey.<\/p>\n

Luke nodded and gripped the money. He managed a half smile. \u201cThanks.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cTake care.\u201d Joe clapped him on the shoulder and watched him dash away, headed in the direction of the mercantile.<\/p>\n

He turned to leave, but a flash of light blonde through a window caught his eye. Joe blinked and looked again. There was someone sitting inside a restaurant, but Joe could only see the back of his head. He put his hand on his gun and walked over to the door. A bell rang as he pushed it open, and the man he\u2019d seen from the window looked up. Their eyes locked.<\/p>\n

\u201cJesse.\u201d For a moment Joe thought he was seeing things then in an instant his face hardened and his defenses went up, defenses that he\u2019d never thought he would need around Jesse. \u201cWhat are you doing here?\u201d he demanded.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m not here to cause trouble, Joe.\u201d Jesse said.<\/p>\n

There was a tone in Jesse\u2019s voice that Joe had heard before in many people but never Jesse. He sounded tired, almost lost. But that wasn\u2019t right. Jesse was always as smug as a cat no matter what trouble Tom or Carl got him into. Joe pushed thoughts of Tom out of his head. He was on the Cartwright side now.<\/p>\n

But he couldn\u2019t bring himself to leave. Something in Jesse\u2019s eyes matched the pain in Joe\u2019s chest, and he reached past the invisible barrier between them to put a hand on Jesse\u2019s shoulder even as he tried to steel his own heart against the emotions that were tumbling out of it like an overflowing barrel in the rain. As an expression of hopelessness settled over Jesse\u2019s features \u2013 another unfamiliar attribute \u2013 Joe resisted the urge to sit next to his friend. He recognized the sorrow in his eyes, sorrow that Joe had been hiding under false cheerfulness for too long. It would be such a relief just to not have to pretend for a few minutes. He glanced around and then sat.<\/p>\n

\u201cHow are\u2026 things?\u201d he asked awkwardly.<\/p>\n

Jesse looked at Joe gratefully and then looked away, staring blindly into the air. \u201cPa\u2019s pretty beat up.\u201d He said, not meeting Joe\u2019s eyes. \u201cHe blames himself for not keeping a better eye on Tom. He was just a kid.\u201d Jesse cleared his throat in a gesture Joe knew well. Make it look like you have a cough instead of a lump in your throat. \u201cAnd then Carl took off about a week ago. I followed him to San Francisco where I lost him.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI haven\u2019t seen him.\u201d Joe said, thankful that he hadn\u2019t.<\/p>\n

Jesse sighed audibly. \u201cI don\u2019t know if that\u2019s good news or bad. At least he\u2019s not here causing trouble. I\u2026\u201d he looked away and even clearing his throat didn\u2019t seem to help. Joe waited, feeling his own throat choke up. The very nearness of Jesse made Tom seem that much farther away.<\/p>\n

\u201c\u2026I don\u2019t want to lose another brother.\u201d Jesse finally said.<\/p>\n

Joe closed his eyes against blinding tears. He shouldn\u2019t be feeling this way; the Finches were the enemy. Too bad they\u2019d once been friends.<\/p>\n

\u201cI saw Adam\u2019s name in the paper and thought he would be heading here. I was worried\u2026\u201d he trailed off and Joe silently finished the sentence for him.<\/p>\n

Worried that he\u2019d be coming after Adam. Joe felt as if someone had punched him in the stomach.<\/p>\n

\u201cDid Carl say that\u2019s what he was doing?\u201d he asked.<\/p>\n

\u201cHe just disappeared. I was following his trail the whole time, but I was at least a day behind him.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSo if he was coming here\u2026\u201d Joe looked around as if Carl was behind him waiting to strike. He stood.<\/p>\n

\u201cI need your horse.\u201d The need to see his older brother, to know that he was alright, had suddenly seized Joe. He couldn\u2019t wait for Hoss to get back.<\/p>\n

Jesse looked at him and nodded. They had both seen Carl\u2019s anger enough to know that it was something to be avoided. \u201cShe\u2019s out front; I\u2019ll get one from the livery stable and follow. Joe\u2026\u201d Jesse caught his arm as he started to leave. \u201cDon\u2019t hurt him.\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe pulled his arm away. \u201cUnless he hurts my brother.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam managed to find the saddle, and discovered that Abraham was right; the thing couldn\u2019t have weighed more than fifteen pounds, and it looked tiny on Minotaur\u2019s back. He tightened the girth and stepped back to survey his work. Minotaur glanced at him, clearly wondering why Adam wasn\u2019t giving him more hay, and Adam just shook his head at the horse.<\/p>\n

\u201cWell all I can say is that it won\u2019t be my fault if you don\u2019t win now.\u201d He ran his hand between the saddle and horse to make sure it wasn\u2019t pinching or too loose and then moved to loosen the girth when a noise from outside made him stop. He thought it might be Red shifting in his paddock, but some inner sense told him it was something else. Out of habit Adam reached for his gun, but his fingers closed over air. He had left it inside the house while he was riding.<\/p>\n

Minotaur\u2019s ears suddenly perked, which confirmed Adam\u2019s suspicion that there was someone outside. Something uneasy stirred in Adam\u2019s gut. He hadn\u2019t heard a horse coming up the lane, which meant that whoever was outside had come on foot, but the ranch wasn\u2019t a place you just walked to; it was a good distance from anything or anyone. Adam put a hand on the horse\u2019s shoulder and slipped into the stall with him.<\/p>\n

\u201cEasy.\u201d he murmured, crouching down in front of the horse. He didn\u2019t really trust Minotaur not to trample him, but it was his best option as the shadow of someone in the doorway snaked its way across the barn floor. The floor creaked grudgingly under the intruder\u2019s boots, and Adam peered out from the stall. His heart sank when he recognized the man. Carl Finch.<\/p>\n

It only took Adam a minute to survey his options because as far as he could see, he only had one. He crept forward to the front of the stall once Carl walked past it, remembering when he\u2019d run into him in Jacksonville. It hadn\u2019t been much of a fight, and Adam hoped that indicated his fighting ability rather than how many drinks he had had.<\/p>\n

He tensed and inwardly counted down from three. Then he lunged forward.<\/p>\n

Carl toppled to the ground underneath him, but he twisted and rolled more quickly than Adam would have thought. Adam hung on, unable to let go to hit him. Carl\u2019s leg thrashed back and forth and then the toe of his boot caught Adam in the knee. Adam\u2019s grip slipped for a moment, and Carl jerked free. Instantly they both rolled to their feet and circle, hands up and fisted. Carl was shorter than Adam, but he was also stockier, and his eyes glittered with hatred like broken glass. Adam knew better than to make the first move and waited for Carl. He didn\u2019t have to wait long.<\/p>\n

Carl\u2019s punches were powerful, but he cocked his arm back in a way that let Adam avoid most of them. As he was struck by Adam again and again, Adam saw the fury rising in his face like raging water. He needed to finish this fight fast. Adam sent a hard punch that pushed Carl back off his feet and into the wall, knocking down a shelf. For a moment he lay unmoving. Then he jumped up, gripping a hoof knife. Adam glanced around for something he could use as a weapon. Too late. He ducked as Carl hurled himself forward and thrust the weapon toward him, his arm automatically reaching up to shield his head. He felt a rip in his skin and then nothing, as if his hand wasn\u2019t there at all. Warm blood began to pour down his arm. Adam glanced down at it distractedly and barely had time to react as Carl shoved his weight against him. Rough hand gripped his neck, and he clawed at the helplessly with his good hand. His legs flailed in panic as he couldn\u2019t breathe, and all he could see past the black specs that were closing in on him were the hate rimmed eyes of Carl Finch.<\/p>\n

Then they were gone, and sweet oxygen filled his lungs. He gasped it in and then rolled over to see Joe on top of Carl. He gripped his arm, shocked by the amount of blood that coated his clothes and the floor.<\/p>\n

\u201cJoe.\u201d His voice was shaky, and he cleared his throat. \u201cJoe!\u201d he snapped again, louder this time. Joe didn\u2019t answer; his fists were slamming down again and again into Carl\u2019s face and body in a merciless frenzy. Adam didn\u2019t want to take his hand off his arm to scoot closer.<\/p>\n

\u201cJoe!\u201d he yelled.<\/p>\n

This time Joe looked over, and then he froze. Suddenly he felt faint. Adam was holding onto his arm near his wrist, and blood streamed over his fingers onto the hay below making it look as I he had dipped his hand into dark paint.<\/p>\n

\u201cAre you\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cGo for a doctor, Joe.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat if Carl comes to?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWe\u2019ll have to risk it.\u201d Adam\u2019s voice was almost completely even, but a slight tremble at the end made Joe dizzy with fear. He turned, but instead of grabbing Jesse\u2019s horse, he slid a bridle over Minotaur\u2019s head and leaped onto the horse. He was nearly left behind as the horse plunged forward, and in an instant they were out of the barn and down the lane.<\/p>\n

He hadn\u2019t even stopped to think when he\u2019d seen Carl on top of Adam; he\u2019d simply reacted, hurling himself against Carl and punching as if he was the devil himself. His hands gripped the reins shakily; they were raw and bloody. Carl\u2019s blood. Joe didn\u2019t care if he\u2019d killed him. He hoped he had. The sheer hatred made him almost as dizzy as his fear for Adam. There had been so much blood. He hadn\u2019t realized that a person had that much blood in their body. And it hadn\u2019t been the same color as the blood on Joe\u2019s hands; it was darker and thicker, like it had been flowing straight out of his heart.<\/p>\n

He urged Minotaur faster and the horse gratefully obliged, straining to stretch his front legs faster and thrusting harder with his hind legs. What if he hadn\u2019t killed Carl and he woke up while Adam was alone? Hoss was on his way back from town, but he might not get there in time. Joe pushed the thought out of his head and pushed Minotaur harder.<\/p>\n

Please, God. He couldn\u2019t think of anything else to say to anyone who might be listening. So he just repeated it over and over in rhythm with the horse\u2019s pounding hooves. Please, God, please.<\/p>\n

~*~<\/p>\n

Adam concentrated on breathing slowly and deeply. He would lose less blood if he was calm, and he didn\u2019t know how much more he could afford to lose. The cut was deep, but he wasn\u2019t sure how deep, and he didn\u2019t want to move his hand away to find out. He glanced at Carl, but thankfully he remained unmoving. Adam didn\u2019t know what he would do if Carl woke up. If he moved his hand he would probably bleed to death.<\/p>\n

The seconds trickled by like a withered stream, drop by drop, and Adam noticed a throbbing in his arm that was a lot like his heartbeat. He forced himself to stay calm. Carl remained still, and he wondered how much time had passed. He should have wrapped something around his arm so he could have taken Joe\u2019s gun.<\/p>\n

He leaned his head against the same post he\u2019d leaned against earlier while he was talking to Abraham as he suddenly felt lightheaded. Another moment of panic. Adam inhaled and then slowly let it out. Hoss had to be on his way back from town; he would be here. A faint grin spread over Adam\u2019s face. Hoss was right; he was always the one getting into trouble.<\/p>\n

\u201cAdam!\u201d The familiar voice made Adam close his eyes in relief, and Hoss entered the barn. Instantly he was kneeling at his brother\u2019s side.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat happened?\u201d his gaze fastened on Adam\u2019s blood covered wrist and arm.<\/p>\n

\u201cHoof knife.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIs it still bleeding?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t know.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cCome on; let\u2019s get you to the house.\u201d Hoss started to help Adam up, and Adam struggled not to jerk violently away.<\/p>\n

\u201cNo!\u201d he snapped, a little more harshly than he meant to. \u201cI don\u2019t want to move and risk losing more blood.\u201d<\/p>\n

Hoss sank back to the floor. \u201cWhat do you want me to do then?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cCheck him.\u201d Adam indicated Carl with a nod.<\/p>\n

Hoss went over to Carl. \u201cJesse\u2019s behind me, according to Joe.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cJesse?\u201d Adam tensed.<\/p>\n

\u201cJoe said he doesn\u2019t want to cause trouble.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI remember another time he didn\u2019t want to cause trouble.\u201d Adam muttered. He glanced at his wrist and wondered if he should risk taking his hand off the wound to wrap it, but decided it wasn\u2019t worth it. The doctor would be here soon. Suddenly Adam groaned.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat?\u201d Hoss was instantly attentive.<\/p>\n

\u201cJoe took Minotaur to get the doctor.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSo? He\u2019s fast; he\u2019ll get back here in no time.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd once he gets into town riding him everyone will know just how much potential Abraham\u2019s racer has, also in no time.\u201d<\/p>\n

Hoss frowned at Adam. \u201cYou\u2019re thinking about that now?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s better than thinking about how much my arm hurts and how much of my blood is on my clothes.\u201d Adam pointed out. He closed his eyes and tried not to think about anything. He felt like he was spinning and falling at the same time as blackness swirled around him like three large vultures.<\/p>\n

\u201cAdam?\u201d Hoss\u2019 voice came from far away.<\/p>\n

\u201cHmm?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cStay with me, brother.\u201d Hoss was beside him again.<\/p>\n

\u201cHoss?\u201d Now his own voice seemed far away.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat is it?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHold my hand down.\u201d He couldn\u2019t keep his hand gripped on the wound anymore.<\/p>\n

Hoss\u2019 large hand covered Adam\u2019s, applying a pressure that Adam could barely feel, his arm was so numb. He closed his eyes again.<\/p>\n

\u201cAdam, open your eyes.\u201d<\/p>\n

I can\u2019t, Hoss. He wanted to say, but instead he made the effort and met his brother\u2019s eyes through slits in his own.<\/p>\n

\u201cThe doctor will be here soon, and he\u2019ll patch you up. You\u2019ve just got to hang on until he gets here.\u201d Hoss said. \u201cGot it?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cGot it.\u201d The words were mumbled, but Hoss gave him a nod of encouragement.<\/p>\n

Adam counted the pulses in Hoss\u2019 hand and then the beats of his own heart along with his breaths. Hoss held Adam\u2019s wrist and hand with his other hand two, creating a warmth that Adam barely felt. A noise outside made Hoss reach for his gun, and Jesse entered. Instantly his hands went up when he saw Hoss.<\/p>\n

\u201cI came for Carl.\u201d He said.<\/p>\n

\u201cThrow your gun over here.\u201d<\/p>\n

Jesse did and then crouched down by his brother. Something in his face made Hoss soften a little.<\/p>\n

\u201cHe\u2019s not dead.\u201d He said. \u201cJust got walloped.\u201d<\/p>\n

Jesse exhaled. \u201cI tried to stop him.\u201d His face remained on Carl. \u201cHe doesn\u2019t listen to anyone.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSounds like someone else I know.\u201d Hoss glanced at Adam, but his smile died as he noticed the grayish tinge to Adam\u2019s skin. He gripped his brother\u2019s hand harder.<\/p>\n

Finally his ears caught the sound of a buggy being driven up at break neck speed. The barn door opened and Joe and the doctor entered.<\/p>\n

\u201cHow is he?\u201d Joe dropped on his knees next to Adam. Hoss didn\u2019t know how to answer, but thankfully the doctor beat him to it.<\/p>\n

\u201cPretty bad. Go get me some water and clean rags so I can clean up some of this blood.\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe took off at a sprint, and the doctor carefully peeled back Adam\u2019s hand to take a look.<\/p>\n

\u201cBad?\u201d Adam muttered.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m going to have to stitch this.\u201d The doctor said, more to himself than to Hoss or Adam.<\/p>\n

\u201cWill he be alright?\u201d Hoss asked.<\/p>\n

\u201cThe bleeding seems to have almost stopped, but he\u2019s lost a lot of blood. If it gets infected he may be too weak to fight it.\u201d<\/p>\n

Hoss shook his head. \u201cAdam ain\u2019t too weak for nothing.\u201d He said it more to convince himself than the doctor, but he saw a weak grin on Adam\u2019s face.<\/p>\n

Joe came back with a large pot of water and white linen. Concern was etched on his face as he joined the small group around Adam.<\/p>\n

\u201cGive me some space and him some breathing room.\u201d The doctor said.<\/p>\n

Hoss pulled Joe back. \u201cI\u2019ll stay here with Adam; you and Jesse take Carl inside and stay with him.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhy?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIf he comes to, I don\u2019t want him near Adam. And maybe you can talk some sense into him.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo one can do that.\u201d Joe muttered, but he knew Hoss was right. He cast a regretful look at his older brother, wishing Adam would say something or at least open his eyes before he left. Then he and Jesse lifted Carl up and carried him to the house. Jesse was as silent as his unconscious brother as they lifted him onto the bed. Joe stepped back awkwardly. He wanted to go back to the barn and be with Adam, but something besides Hoss\u2019 words kept him standing next to Jesse.<\/p>\n

\u201cSorry.\u201d he finally said.<\/p>\n

\u201cFor what?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cFor\u2026 that.\u201d he gestured at Carl\u2019s swollen face.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou did that then?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYeah.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI never saw him take a beating to the head that he didn\u2019t deserve.\u201d Jesse swallowed hard. \u201cIf Adam dies\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHe won\u2019t.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIf he does then Carl will hang.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHe won\u2019t because Adam won\u2019t die.\u201d Joe said fiercely. Jesse nodded.<\/p>\n

\u201cAlright.\u201d<\/p>\n

They waited in silence until Joe heard a horse approach. He went outside and saw Abraham tying his horse.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhose buggy\u2026\u201d Abraham stopped when he saw Joe\u2019s face. \u201cWhat happened?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cCarl Finch attacked Adam; he\u2019s in the barn with the doctor now.\u201d<\/p>\n

Abraham turned and walked briskly toward the barn, and Joe followed, no longer caring about Carl or Jesse. He needed to see his brother.<\/p>\n

The doctor didn\u2019t look up when they entered as he concentrated on sliding the needle in and out of Adam\u2019s skin leaving a row of stitches like a ridge line along Adam\u2019s wrist.<\/p>\n

\u201cHow is he, Hoss?\u201d Abraham asked.<\/p>\n

Adam\u2019s head moved slightly. \u201cThought you wouldn\u2019t be back until later.\u201d he said through gritted teeth. Joe exhaled the breath he hadn\u2019t even realized he\u2019d been holding at the sound of Adam\u2019s faint voice.<\/p>\n

\u201cMrs. Harding was gone to Placerville to visit her sister.\u201d he shook his head. \u201cI leave you alone for one afternoon, and you manage to get into this much trouble? If your father was alive, I\u2019m sure you boys would be the death of him.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam grimaced, though Joe wasn\u2019t sure if it was because of the needle or Abraham\u2019s statement. The doctor paused in his work and looked up at Abraham.<\/p>\n

\u201cIf you don\u2019t mind, I\u2019m in the middle of some very delicate business here.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAlright, Doctor Thorne, I can take a hint. Come on, Joe; we can see about making supper for when the good doctor is finished.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBut\u2026\u201d Joe didn\u2019t want to leave.<\/p>\n

\u201cGo ahead, Joe.\u201d Adam said.<\/p>\n

Joe frowned and followed Abraham back to the house. Instead of going to the kitchen though, he went back to the room where Carl and Jesse were.<\/p>\n

When he approached the door he heard voices. Carl was awake. Joe paused outside and listened.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m not leaving.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, we are. We\u2019re going home.\u201d Jesse\u2019s voice was more irritated than Joe had ever heard.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhy?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBecause I don\u2019t want to see you dead like Tom. You\u2019re damn lucky that you didn\u2019t kill Adam because if you had I\u2019d be going back to tell Pa that he lost another son. And do you know what he\u2019d hear? He\u2019d hear that he failed another son. He\u2019d hear that another one of his boys is dead because he wasn\u2019t paying attention. Do you want to do that to him?\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe listened to the silence and knew what was happening. Carl couldn\u2019t reason with Jesse; any time he\u2019d ever tried he\u2019d always given up and thumped him over the head or ignored him, and that\u2019s what he was doing now. He needed to get rid of Carl, partially to protect Adam and partially because the image of Carl swinging from the end of a rope with his face swollen and neck rubbed raw made his stomach churn. He didn\u2019t want Carl to hang any more than Jesse did. Joe stepped forward, letting his hands relax out of being clenched fists. Just because he didn\u2019t want him to hand didn\u2019t mean he wouldn\u2019t enjoy having another go at him. Joe gave Carl a hard look that Carl\u2019s face was too tender to return.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou think killing my brother would bring yours back?\u201d he snapped.<\/p>\n

\u201cHe killed\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt could have just as easily gone the other way!\u201d Joe felt his anger return and he clenched his fists, wanting to take a shovel to Carl\u2019s head. \u201cBut I wouldn\u2019t be going after Tom\u2019s blood if he\u2019d killed Adam in self defense.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHow do you know?\u201d Carl demanded. \u201cHave you ever lost someone close to you?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI lost Tom.\u201d Joe hissed.<\/p>\n

\u201cTom wasn\u2019t your brother!\u201d Carl\u2019s shout filled the entire room.<\/p>\n

\u201cWasn\u2019t he?\u201d Joe nearly took another swing at Carl, but Jesse stood up.<\/p>\n

\u201cEnough.\u201d he said. The one word was a knife that sliced through the channel of anger between them. \u201cHow is Adam?\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe took a deep breath. \u201cThe doctor doesn\u2019t think he\u2019ll live out the night.\u201d He glowered at Carl. \u201cI know why you did it, but that doesn\u2019t mean you won\u2019t hang if he dies. I want you to leave. Now.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhy? What if he dies?\u201d Carl\u2019s flashing eyes said that he was still hoping it would happen even if it meant he would hang. As much as Joe wanted to say that he\u2019d find Carl and kill him, he knew that would defeat his point.<\/p>\n

\u201cDidn\u2019t you hear me, Carl?\u201d He snapped. He let his fear for Adam translate into rage as he towered over Carl. \u201cHe\u2019s practically dead now. I want this over and you gone. Jesse doesn\u2019t need to lose another brother, and I don\u2019t want to lose another person who used to be my friend. Just leave!\u201d He turned away pretending to be overcome with emotion. The shaking was real and he tried to steady himself as he held his breath, listening for what Carl would say.<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd what would your brothers say about you letting me go?\u201d Carl finally sneered.<\/p>\n

\u201cThis is my decision.\u201d Joe snapped. \u201cYou can take the offer or leave it. If you don\u2019t want to go I can get the sheriff. Lately you and Jesse have done enough to get both of you locked away.\u201d He knew Jesse would have taken the offer in a heartbeat, but Carl didn\u2019t have the rationality, or even the plain common sense, that his brother had. Joe just wanted them gone, and if he could convince Carl that Adam would be dead before he reached Oregon, especially while he was still feeling lousy from being beaten up, he might just stay away. Adam and Hoss probably wouldn\u2019t see it that way, but they didn\u2019t know Carl Finch as well as Joe did.<\/p>\n

He could tell that Jesse wanted to tell Carl not to be an idiot and to leave, but they both knew Carl had a tendency for doing the opposite of what people told him to do. So they both held their breath as Carl considered Joe\u2019s offer in silence.<\/p>\n

\u201cMy horse is tied down the road a mile.\u201d he said at last. \u201cGo get him, and Jesse and I will leave.\u201d He leveled his eyes at Joe. \u201cBut if he does survive and I ever see him again, I\u2019ll put a bullet hole through his brain.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThen you\u2019d better hope he dies. Because you do that and I\u2019ll make sure you hang.\u201d Joe held his gaze for a moment as their eyes both flickered darkly. Then Joe left the room. As he entered the kitchen he nearly collapsed into a chair.<\/p>\n

\u201cJoe?\u201d Abraham was at his side instantly.<\/p>\n

\u201cIf someone is hurt, and you tell a lie that they\u2019re going to die, will it really happen?\u201d Joe asked.<\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t think I follow you.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNothing. Just keep Adam away from Carl and if anyone asks, he\u2019s going to die. I\u2019m going get Carl\u2019s horse so they can leave.\u201d<\/p>\n

Abraham eyed him for a minute and then nodded. Joe stood and went to get Carl\u2019s horse.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

It was well after dark by the time Doctor Thorne drove away from the ranch after having stayed for the supper that Adam slept through. Joe had pretended to sneak Carl and Jesse out of the house after getting Carl\u2019s horse, and Jesse had turned to him before mounting.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m sorry.\u201d He said.<\/p>\n

Joe hesitated and then had decided that Jesse didn\u2019t need the burden of thinking his brother was a murdered. \u201cI just wanted to get rid of Carl. He should be alright.\u201d<\/p>\n

Relief swept over Jesse\u2019s features, and he had mounted. Joe watched the Finches ride away until they were obscured by a bend in the road and then returned to the house. Later when Doctor Thorne had gone to leave, Joe went out with him and untied Minotaur from the back of the doctor\u2019s buggy.<\/p>\n

\u201cSorry for leaving you out here all evening.\u201d he said as he led the horse inside and took the saddle off. Minotaur shook and then snorted in an exhale, and Joe knew how he felt. It had been a draining day. He rubbed Minotaur down and put him out in his corral, but instead of going inside, he climbed up on the fence and settled on the top rail with his elbows on his knees and head in his hands. Minotaur sniffed around before finding the hay that had been tossed out earlier which he began to eat. Joe watched him, wishing contentment was that easy for him to find.<\/p>\n

He was glad Carl was gone, but he couldn\u2019t blame him. Part of him had wanted to beat the daylights out of Adam for that bullet too. He didn\u2019t understand it. When he\u2019d seen Adam hurt, with all that blood pouring out of his arm, all he\u2019d wanted to do was rip Carl to pieces. But now that the moment was gone, he found himself remembering Tom\u2019s death and thinking that maybe Carl had a point. Not that he wanted Adam dead, but he could see what had driven Carl to this.<\/p>\n

\u201cWant to trade places?\u201d he asked Minotaur. \u201cI can run the race and you can try to figure out who I\u2019m supposed to be loyal to.\u201d<\/p>\n

The horse didn\u2019t even look up from his hay, and Joe\u2019s shoulders slumped slightly. All the extra energy that had come from his panic to fuel him earlier had slowly leaked out, leaving him feeling like a wrung out rag. He didn\u2019t have the strength to try to understand the contradicting thoughts that flickered through his head like dizzy bats.<\/p>\n

~*~<\/p>\n

For a moment he was disorientated when he woke, but then he realized he was in his bed in Abraham\u2019s house. Adam sat up and glanced at his arm, which still hurt beneath the neat bandage. But it wasn\u2019t the inflamed burning of infection; it was the aching throb of his body healing. He took that as a good sign and stood up, grasping the edge of the bed as the room spun for a moment before settling. He used his good arm to guide him out of his room and out to the porch where Abraham was and then followed Abraham\u2019s gaze to Minotaur\u2019s corral where Joe was sitting on the fence. Every once in a while the wind would blow snatches of his conversation with the animal over to them, but Adam couldn\u2019t make out any words.<\/p>\n

\u201cFeeling better?\u201d Abraham asked.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m alive.\u201d Adam shrugged. \u201cI guess that\u2019s good news.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou should go talk to your brother.\u201d Abraham said.<\/p>\n

Adam hesitated. \u201cHe\u2019s used to sorting out things alone.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd has that ever gotten him anywhere?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t know.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhy don\u2019t you ask him then?\u201d Abraham had yet to take his eyes off Joe, but now he turned to face Adam. \u201cHe needs someone understanding to help him now, and you\u2019re going to have to do.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat am I supposed to say?\u201d Adam asked helplessly. He could barely understand his own emotions; how was he supposed to help Joe sort through his?<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m sure you\u2019ll think of something.\u201d It wasn\u2019t a suggestion.<\/p>\n

\u201cThanks.\u201d Adam muttered. He ran a hand through his hair and managed to make it over to the corral fence without collapsing. He leaned against it, and Joe glanced up to acknowledge him then looked back at the horse, but Adam didn\u2019t speak. Instead he studied Joe. He had known all along what was bothering him, or had guessed it anyway, but with Joe being so touchy, he hadn\u2019t wanted to risk bringing up a sensitive subject. But now all of his defensiveness and bluster was gone, and Adam realized again that he was just a kid. Something that was iced over inside of him slowly melted.<\/p>\n

\u201cI know how you feel, Joe. I lost a good friend once too.\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe didn\u2019t look up or even answer, but Adam was encouraged by the fact that he didn\u2019t tell him to shut up and continued.<\/p>\n

\u201cShe was\u2026\u201d he closed his eyes and inhaled as her image rose in his mind once more, and he searched for the right word to describe her, but only one presented itself. \u201c\u2026beautiful. The most beautiful woman on earth. She had a way of looking at me out of the corner of her eyes with this little smile. I could never describe it to her, but it made me feel\u2026 at home. And she wasn\u2019t just the woman I loved; she was the first true friend I\u2019d had since leaving home. Sometimes I think I valued that even more than our love.\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe looked up in astonishment. Were those tears he heard behind his older brother\u2019s voice? The brother who he had accused of being emotionless?<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat happened?\u201d he asked.<\/p>\n

\u201cI was working for Sam Bates when I met her, and Bates thought that she would eventually pull me away from him and convince me to quit. He was right, but before she got the chance, he sent one of his hired guns to shake things up between us. I thought he was just coming to help keep an eye on the contract I was overseeing, but things ended in Leah\u2019s brother getting shot. That\u2019s when I realized I\u2019d been played. I quit with Bates and went off on my own.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd Leah?\u201d Joe asked softly.<\/p>\n

\u201cShe had family in Salt Lake City on her mother\u2019s side. I never heard from her again.\u201d Adam struggled not to see her in his head, her yellow skirt rustling as she climbed into the stage, a soft wave of her hand, and tears darkening her eyes before she turned and shut the door against him.<\/p>\n

\u201cI can see why you hit me.\u201d Joe finally said.<\/p>\n

The silence stretched between them, but the animosity had drained out of it like water through a leaky barrel. Joe hesitated and then asked the question that had been at the back of his mind since Yreka.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhy did you tell them where Tom was? You would have lost the ranch.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam held his brother\u2019s searching eyes. \u201cYou’re more important than land, Joe. I lost you once; I don’t plan on doing it again.\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe looked down, unable to reply to the sudden openness of emotion in Adam\u2019s tone. When he spoke, his own voice was choked.<\/p>\n

\u201cI wish I could remember\u2026 what it was like. Before.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSo do I.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI know Tom wasn\u2019t the greatest person, but he was still\u2026 he gave me a place when no one else would. I didn\u2019t have anyone else.\u201d Joe felt the lump inside his throat swell until it pushed the tears he\u2019d been holding back out of his eyes. He impatiently swiped at them.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou don\u2019t have to pretend not to care.\u201d Adam said. \u201cHe was your friend after all. That\u2019s going to hurt no matter where your loyalties lie.\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe looked at Adam bleakly, as if unsure whether or not to believe him. Adam mentally scrambled to think of something he could say to reassure Joe, but nothing came to him.<\/p>\n

\u201cSorry.\u201d he finally said. \u201cGuess I\u2019m not as good at Pa was when it comes to talks.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat would Pa say?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cTo you or to me?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cMe.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam closed his eyes and recalled his father\u2019s voice and deep eyes that seemed to have unending depths of understanding. Pa had always known the right thing to say no matter what the situation.<\/p>\n

\u201cProbably that it\u2019s perfectly natural to feel what you\u2019re feeling.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat am I feeling?\u201d Joe interrupted.<\/p>\n

Adam opened his mouth and then shut it. \u201cWhy don\u2019t you tell me?\u201d<\/p>\n

Now Joe was at a loss for words. He had so many emotions spinning around inside him that it seemed impossible to pin any of them down.<\/p>\n

\u201cLost.\u201d he finally said. His voice sounded small, and he struggled to find the right words without sounding like a six year old. Finally he gave up. \u201cI want\u2026 I want to belong here with you and Hoss, but every time I think of what happened\u2026 I miss him, Adam.\u201d Joe looked away, wishing he had never opened himself up. He tried to breathe deeply to calm himself, but the air caught in his lungs like sandpaper. Then he felt a hand on the back of his shoulder, warm and strong like Hoss\u2019 had been. It was enough to make the tears he had been trying to hold back spill out under his eyelids.<\/p>\n

\u201cHe was the closest thing to family I had.\u201d He choked on the words, and the hand tightened. As his tears fell like silent rain, the hand continued to hold onto his shoulder, acting like an anchor in a gale. Eventually the storm began to subside, and Joe found he could breathe again. He inhaled shakily.<\/p>\n

\u201cHey, Adam?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYeah?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat would Pa say to you?\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam smiled. He could easily imagine Ben Cartwright\u2019s reaction to his stupidity; he\u2019d been hearing it in his head for quite some time now.<\/p>\n

\u201cStop trying to make everything perfect and pay more attention to what\u2019s happening in front of you.\u201d he said. \u201cPa always said I spent too much time being two steps ahead of everyone else.\u201d he shrugged. \u201cI guess that can be a problem when the important things are happening two steps behind me.\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe took a deep breath and studied his brother as if seeing him for the first time. He wondered if Adam looked like Pa and imagined that he\u2019d gotten a lot of his grit from him.<\/p>\n

\u201cHow\u2019s your arm?\u201d he asked.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ll live.\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe frowned at the joke. \u201cI\u2026 I was worried.\u201d He shrugged awkwardly. \u201cI didn\u2019t want to lose you either.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam let the statement hang in the air, but he tightened his grip on Joe\u2019s shoulder.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ll be fine.\u201d He said. \u201cI\u2019m just not sure how we\u2019re going to pull off this race now.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s easy. I\u2019ll ride.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam glanced at him, a smile on his lips. \u201cYou think you can ride this beast?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI can ride him better than you.\u201d Joe replied.<\/p>\n

\u201cI doubt it, but I guess we don\u2019t have a choice.\u201d The grin hovering on Adam\u2019s face let Joe know he was teasing. \u201cWe\u2019ll talk to Abraham in the morning.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI think Abraham was right.\u201d Joe said softly.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat\u2019s that?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWe\u2019re a lot more alike than I thought.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cMaybe. How about helping me back to the house?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou? The great Adam Cartwright needs my help?\u201d Joe\u2019s eyes widened in mock disbelief.<\/p>\n

\u201cWatch it kid, I could still pummel you with my other hand.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019d fall over if you tried to hit me.\u201d Joe shouldered Adam\u2019s arm and helped him across the yard to the now empty porch and back to his room.<\/p>\n

\u201cJust give me a couple of weeks and I\u2019ll show you how to fight.\u201d Adam said.<\/p>\n

\u201cSure.\u201d Joe went to shut the door behind him on his way out and then stopped. He hesitated in the doorway, and Adam glanced up at him.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m glad you\u2019re alright.\u201d He finally said.<\/p>\n

Adam smiled at him, a smile that seemed familiar to Joe, as if he\u2019d seen I before a long time ago, looking down at him when he was younger.<\/p>\n

\u201cThanks, Joe.\u201d He said.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The house was empty and the sun had saturated it by the time Adam woke up. He went out to the porch and sat with his eyes closed grateful that his lightheadedness had passed. He let the sun soak into him like bread soaking up melted butter and wondered briefly where everyone was.<\/p>\n

\u201cAdam?\u201d Hoss called.<\/p>\n

\u201cOut here.\u201d Adam didn\u2019t open his eyes.<\/p>\n

\u201cHow are you feeling?\u201d Hoss\u2019 voice came from right beside him.<\/p>\n

\u201cBetter. Where are the others?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cJoe and Abraham went to put Joe\u2019s name on the entry list instead of yours. I think they were also going to spread around that Minotaur\u2019s worn out from running so hard yesterday and probably won\u2019t run as well tomorrow.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam didn\u2019t think it would make a difference; they\u2019d already attracted attention to themselves. Now they were just going to have to ride it out and hope they could handle it. Or rather, hope Joe could handle it. He would be alone out there once the race started. The thought made Adam\u2019s heart skip slightly.<\/p>\n

Who\u2019s that?\u201d he asked without opening his eyes as he heard hoof beats coming up the lane.<\/p>\n

\u201cA kind of heavy fellow. Sure is dressed nice.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam felt his heart stop, and he opened his eyes.<\/p>\n

It can\u2019t be. His stopped heart sank down to the boards beneath his feet.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s been a while, hasn\u2019t it, Adam?\u201d Sam Bates called as he dismounted from his horse. Adam narrowed his eyes and felt Hoss stiffen in response to his defensive demeanor. For a moment he considered the merits of letting Hoss knock him around, but he knew that it would only land his brother in jail. He forced his hands to relax out of their rigid grip on the arms of his chair.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat brings you here, Bates?\u201d he asked.<\/p>\n

\u201cI like to keep track of my men.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI repeat, what brings you here? I don\u2019t know of any of your men in the area.\u201d<\/p>\n

Bates chuckled and walked up the porch steps. He glanced at Hoss. \u201cWho\u2019s this?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cMy brother.\u201d Adam\u2019s watched Bates\u2019 reaction, but he only started briefly and then smoothed down his expression into neutrality.<\/p>\n

\u201cImagine that.\u201d He said. \u201cSo I hear you had a little misfortune with Tom Finch.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam didn\u2019t reply and thankfully Hoss followed his lead, though Adam could sense him bristling like a porcupine. Inwardly he was itching to know how Bates had found out, but he didn\u2019t want to give Bates the satisfaction of him asking. Besides, he already had a guess.<\/p>\n

Bates got tired of waiting for Adam to say something and continued. \u201cI assume that you don\u2019t want your ranch back since you haven\u2019t given me the fifty thousand dollars?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou assumed wrong.\u201d Hoss growled.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ll give you the money.\u201d Adam added before Hoss got even more defensive.<\/p>\n

\u201cAfter you win it in the horse race?\u201d Bates glanced at Adam\u2019s bandaged arm, and Adam settled back into his chair. He could play smug too; he\u2019d learned it from the man in front of him.<\/p>\n

\u201cApparently Carl didn\u2019t tell you everything.\u201d He said.<\/p>\n

\u201cCarl?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cFinch\u2019s brother. He talked to you didn\u2019t he? That\u2019s how you knew where to find me.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI didn\u2019t expect to find you alive either, after seeing how upset he was.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThanks for the warning.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019ve always been good at taking care of yourself, almost as good at it as you are at walking out. Which is what I wanted to make sure didn\u2019t happen this time.\u201d<\/p>\n

Hoss stepped forward, having had enough of this man swaggering over his brother. \u201cYou\u2019ll get your money, Mr. Bates. And if you want to be around to spend it I suggest you leave.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam raised his eyebrows at Bates and watched the man shift as if wondering whether or not to call Hoss\u2019 bluff. Finally he turned and went back to his horse.<\/p>\n

\u201cFifty thousand dollars, Adam.\u201d He said after mounting. \u201cThe day after tomorrow or you\u2019ll be hearing from my lawyers.\u201d<\/p>\n

Hoss turned to Adam as Bates rode away. \u201cWhy didn\u2019t you just knock him over the head in the first place instead of getting into this mess?\u201d he asked.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ve been asking myself the same question for a while now.\u201d Adam grumbled. He inwardly cursed Carl for alerting Bates to their situation. That was all he needed, Bates leaning over his shoulder waiting for him to fail.<\/p>\n

But they wouldn\u2019t fail, he told himself. Joe was a better rider than he was, and there was no chance of Minotaur losing. After the race he would give Bates his money and along with it the fist he\u2019d owed him for a while now.<\/p>\n

Hoof beats made Adam glance down the lane. He thought maybe Bates had come up with something really nasty to say, but the hoof beats he heard belonged to Abraham and Joe.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou two sure look gloomy.\u201d Abraham called.<\/p>\n

\u201cWe just had a visit from an old friend.\u201d Hoss answered.<\/p>\n

Adam snorted at the word, and Abraham cocked his head. \u201cOh?\u201d he asked.<\/p>\n

\u201cSam Bates.\u201d Adam said. He noted Joe\u2019s instant clenching of his fists and wondered where this sudden hatred had come from. \u201cHe found out about our\u2026 predicament through Carl and came out to remind me that he still wants his money. He\u2019s giving us until after the race.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBastard.\u201d Joe muttered.<\/p>\n

Adam glanced at Joe. \u201cI always thought so, but when did you realize it?\u201d<\/p>\n

Instead of answering Joe turned and remounted his horse. \u201cI\u2019ll be back.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cJoe\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m not going to do something stupid like kill him \u2013 though that might have simplified the situation. I just need to know something. I\u2019ll be back.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHoss\u2026\u201d Adam didn\u2019t need to finish his statement; Hoss was already halfway off the porch following his brother.<\/p>\n

\u201cHey, Joe! Wait up!\u201d Hoss swung up on Abraham\u2019s saddled horse and urged him into a lope after Joe. Joe held his horse back so Hoss could catch up.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat\u2019s going on?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNothing.\u201d Joe said. \u201cI just need more answers.\u201d Questions fizzled and popped in his head as he rode, but thankfully Hoss was silent. He wouldn\u2019t have admitted it, but Joe was grateful for the company.<\/p>\n

He could hear the fire again, crackling in rhythm with his horse\u2019s hoof beats and the screams. Joe closed his eyes and inhaled, breathing smoke in with the dust from the road.<\/p>\n

\u201cPa! Pa!\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cShut up, kid! I\u2019m doing you a favor!\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

He couldn\u2019t see a face, but he could hear the voice, as harsh as the hands that gripped him.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cWhere\u2019s Pa? Mama!\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

One of the hands let go of his body and clamped over his mouth. He kicked against the man holding him. Hot tears blurred his vision. He was on a horse. He kicked again and then bit the hand over his mouth. A curse and then a slap. He could feel his cheek stinging. Where was his Pa? Where were they going?<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cJoe?\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe blinked. They were in Sacramento in front of the best hotel. Hoss was looking at him worriedly.<\/p>\n

\u201cJoe?\u201d he asked again.<\/p>\n

He needed to know why. Joe dismounted and then paused as Hoss moved to follow him.<\/p>\n

\u201cDo you mind staying down here?\u201d he asked Hoss.<\/p>\n

\u201cAre you sure that\u2019s such a good thing?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cPlease, Hoss?\u201d<\/p>\n

Hoss studied his younger brother for a moment and then nodded. \u201cAlright. But don\u2019t do anything stupid. I\u2019m guessing a punch would land you in jail, and you have a race tomorrow.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDon\u2019t worry. I just want to ask him something.\u201d Joe went inside the hotel and to the desk. \u201cI\u2019m looking for Sam Bates.\u201d He said to the clerk.<\/p>\n

The clerk eyed Joe. \u201cIs he expecting you?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n

He hesitated for a moment longer and then pulled out the registry book. \u201cTwo-twelve. Second floor on, your right.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThanks.\u201d Joe followed the plush red carpet up the stairs and down the hall. His heartbeat quickened as he walked, and he forced his fist to remain loose and unclenched as he knocked.<\/p>\n

A man opened the door. \u201cYes?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAre you Sam Bates?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe inhaled as the sudden need to send his fist into the man\u2019s gut nearly overpowered him. \u201cI need to speak with you.\u201d<\/p>\n

Bates studied Joe for a moment, his eyes sweeping up and down the length of him. \u201cI\u2019m afraid I\u2019m busy right now, and I don\u2019t usually cater to strangers who demand to have a word with me in a hostile manner.\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe stepped forward. \u201cWe have a mutual friend, Mr. Bates. Adam Cartwright.\u201d<\/p>\n

Bates\u2019 face revealed nothing about what was going on in his head, and Joe wondered if Adam had learned his facial control from this man. \u201cAnd you have something to say to me that pertains to Mr. Cartwright?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cLeave your gun outside.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIf I had been planning on killing you, I already would have.\u201d Joe said. He slid his gun out of its holster and tossed it on the ground. Then he stepped into the room and Bates shut the door behind him. For a moment Joe was silent, studying the man who had altered the course of his life by a slight wave of his soft, cushioned hand, which was now resting comfortably on the expensive fabric that covered the arm of his chair. Joe glanced about the room, noting the thick drapes, polished wood, and a bottle of fine wine that stood in a sharp contrast to the broken emptiness of the rough wooden shack he\u2019d grown up in.<\/p>\n

\u201cSo how do you know Adam?\u201d Bates asked.<\/p>\n

\u201cHe\u2019s my brother.\u201d Joe spat. Once again, Bates\u2019 face was emotionless. He calmed himself and continued, refusing to rise to this smug cat\u2019s game. \u201cI didn\u2019t know he was my brother until a little while ago. Before then I was raised by another man. When I asked him about it, he said that I was entrusted to him by a man who was supposed to kill me. You wouldn\u2019t know anything about that, would you?\u201d Joe glared at Bates who was still as still as a lake in the summer. But Joe caught a faint twitch in his left cheek like a tiny ripple.<\/p>\n

\u201cAre you insinuating that I had something to do with that tragic story?\u201d he asked, and suddenly Joe was reminded of a snake, cold and deadly, waiting for its chance to strike. But he wasn\u2019t backing down.<\/p>\n

\u201cI already know you do. I just want to know why.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m afraid this interview is at an end.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNot yet.\u201d Joe resisted grabbing the man by the collar. \u201cWas it for the ranch? Then why are you offering it to Adam now?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou Cartwrights all seem to think a lot of your precious ranch, so much so that you don\u2019t realize you have a more valuable asset.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYourselves.\u201d Bates sat back in his chair. \u201cYou remind me a lot of Adam at this age, all fire and snap. But you don\u2019t have that granite in you that he had. And that\u2019s what I liked in him. He was one who would stick through with something no matter what it cost him. It\u2019s what made him kill the man who shot your parents and what kept him working for me all those years, and it\u2019s what\u2019s keeping him going now, when everything is falling apart.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNothing\u2019s falling apart.\u201d Joe hissed.<\/p>\n

\u201cNo? I suppose you\u2019re the one who\u2019s going to race. Well, you might come in third of fourth, but you won\u2019t win. As I said, you don\u2019t have the tenacity.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ll win.\u201d Joe said.<\/p>\n

\u201cWill you? From what I hear Mr. Hawkings only lets his horses win. I\u2019ve already had a conversation with him and told him that it may benefit him even more if Abraham Rosner\u2019s horse loses.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhy?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAdam was a good man. He ought to be; I made him into what he is, and I\u2019d hate to lose him again. If he fails to pay then I\u2019ll have to arrange a work agreement in which he can compensate me through labor.\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe felt a shudder ripple through him as he realized that Bates had raised the stakes. But there was something Bates didn\u2019t know. Joe drew himself up.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou didn\u2019t make Adam into anything. He\u2019s a Cartwright, which means he\u2019s more than a low-down, yellow-bellied, dung-licking snake like you could ever understand. And he would never work for you again because you\u2019re not worth the dirt on his boots. He was alone the first time you got your claws into him, but he\u2019s got a family now, and I happen to be one of them. He would die before he\u2019d work for you, but I would kill you first. Keep that in mind.\u201d Joe turned to leave and then stopped halfway through the door. \u201cAnd I\u2019ve got more granite in me than you do. At least I fight my own battles.\u201d He slammed the door.<\/p>\n

\u201cWell?\u201d Hoss asked when Joe came out.<\/p>\n

\u201cLet\u2019s go.\u201d Joe mounted and shook his head. \u201cI hate that man.\u201d He muttered.<\/p>\n

Hoss rode in silence as he debated whether or not to say anything. Finally he gave in.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat did you ask him, Joe?\u201d<\/p>\n

For a moment Hoss didn\u2019t think he was going to answer, but then Joe exhaled as if the weight of a hundred years was on his back.<\/p>\n

\u201cBefore I came here I went back home. Well, not home, but where I grew up. I had to know what happened.\u201d<\/p>\n

Hoss leaned forward in his saddle. \u201cWhat?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWe were both supposed to be killed. That\u2019s what Bates had told his men to do. But I guess they couldn\u2019t bring themselves to murder two kids.\u201d He shrugged. \u201cI must\u2019ve been this good looking even then.\u201d Instead of laughing at his own joke, he continued, \u201cThe one brought me to his sister, and she and her husband raised me as their own. All so Bates could use Adam for his dirty work. And now he\u2019s at it again.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAgain?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHe\u2019s up to something. He said that if Adam doesn\u2019t pay up, he\u2019ll use a work contract.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAdam would never.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHe might. He wants that ranch, Hoss. And he wouldn\u2019t have a choice; it\u2019s Bates\u2019 money.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cReckon we\u2019ll have to be extra careful then.\u201d Hoss said. \u201cWhat are you going to tell Adam?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNothing.\u201d Joe decided. \u201cHe\u2019s already worried enough; if he thinks Bates is going to try something he may say that the race isn\u2019t worth it.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDo you think he would?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHow should I know?\u201d Joe suddenly felt tired. Too many guesses, too much unpredictability. How could he know what Adam would or wouldn\u2019t do?<\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019re getting yourself in pretty hot water.\u201d Hoss said. Maybe Joe could handle himself, and maybe be couldn\u2019t, but Hoss would make sure he didn\u2019t need to handle himself alone.<\/p>\n

~*~<\/p>\n

Adam didn\u2019t say much when Joe got back, probably grateful that his little brother hadn\u2019t gotten himself into trouble and content to leave it at that. He did, however, have a lot to say when Hoss casually mentioned later on that evening that he\u2019d be sleeping in the barn that night.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou don\u2019t need to do that, Hoss. I\u2019ll stay out there.\u201d He said.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019re injured.\u201d Joe protested. \u201cI\u2019ll sleep in the barn.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou need your rest.\u201d Hoss replied. \u201cYou weren\u2019t exactly in tip top shape when you got here, and now that you\u2019re racing, you need sleep even more.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ll be fine. You\u2019re the one that needs to be awake in order to spot any trouble at the race.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBoth of you need sleep; I\u2019ll go out there.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo!\u201d Hoss and Joe both snapped at the same time.<\/p>\n

Abraham, watching the argument from his leather armchair, cleared his throat. \u201cWell I\u2019m not sleeping out in the barn. And since it\u2019s getting late may I suggest that you take your argument outside so that one of us can sleep?\u201d he glanced pointedly at the back door.<\/p>\n

They looked at each other and shared a simultaneous shrug before going out to the barn.<\/p>\n

\u201cLooks like we\u2019re all sleeping out here.\u201d Adam said. \u201cWe\u2019ll take watches.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOnly if I get the first watch.\u201d Hoss said.<\/p>\n

\u201cFine.\u201d Adam was too tired to argue. He settled himself against the hay and closed his eyes.<\/p>\n

Joe did the same, but for some reason the tiredness he\u2019s been feeling had vanished, and he couldn\u2019t keep his eyes shut for more than a few seconds before opening them and following the outline of the beams of the roof with his eyes like a finger running along their edges. Beside him Adam\u2019s breathing deepened, and he figured his older brother was asleep. Hoss shifted in his position of being propped up against a hay bale and crossed his arms over his chest. Joe wondered what he was thinking about.<\/p>\n

\u201cHoss?\u201d he asked. His soft voice sounded loud in the stillness.<\/p>\n

\u201cYeah?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat was Pa like?\u201d<\/p>\n

Hoss exhaled as he tried to think of something concrete he could tell Joe. He had clung to the memories like a handful of leaves that had slowly withered and crumbled, leaving behind only traces and half remembered images that were more feelings than anything else. They were emotions that he could feel, not images he could put into words.<\/p>\n

\u201cHe had a stubborn streak a mile wide.\u201d Adam\u2019s voice came out of the darkness. \u201cHe never gave up; when he committed to something, you knew it would be done. And there wasn\u2019t anything he was more committed to than his family and his ranch. He would be out before dawn and come back after dusk spending the whole day clearing, planting grass seed, and putting up fences, dead on his feet, but the next day he would get up and do it again.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI remember.\u201d Hoss said. \u201cHe had a deep voice.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam nodded. \u201cReassuring. Like listening to the waves of the lake at night. He used to sing to me when we were on the trail west. When I got older he stopped, but I still liked to listen to him sing to Hoss at night.\u201d<\/p>\n

As he said it, Hoss heard a voice inside his head, singing as he drifted off to sleep.<\/p>\n

\u201cI remember.\u201d He said.<\/p>\n

\u201cDid he\u2026\u201d Joe stopped. Somehow it seemed like a silly question, but he still wanted to know. Thankfully Adam finished it for him.<\/p>\n

\u201cDid he sing to you? He and Ma both. You were her baby, Joe. She sang to you every night.\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe closed his eyes, but he couldn\u2019t hear anything except the occasional chirp of crickets and the shifting of the wind through the trees.<\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t remember it.\u201d He said quietly.<\/p>\n

From the darkness came a voice, soft at first, but then it grew stronger as Adam sang.<\/p>\n

\u201cTell me the tales that to me were so dear,<\/em>
\nLong, long ago, long, long ago,<\/em>
\nSing me the songs I delighted to hear,<\/em>
\nLong, long ago, long ago,<\/em>
\nNow you are come all my grief is removed,<\/em>
\nLet me forget that so long you have roved.<\/em>
\nLet me believe that you love as you loved,<\/em>
\nLong, long ago, long ago.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

Joe closed his eyes and let the voice carry him backwards. A soft hand was stroking his curls off his forehead. It seemed as if a deeper voice joined in with Adam\u2019s.<\/p>\n

\u201cDo you remember the paths where we met?<\/em>
\nLong, long ago, long, long ago.<\/em>
\nAh, yes, you told me you’d never forget,<\/em>
\nLong, long ago, long ago.<\/em>
\nThen to all others, my smile you preferred,<\/em>
\nLove, when you spoke, gave a charm to each word.<\/em>
\nStill my heart treasures the phrases I heard,<\/em>
\nLong, long ago, long ago.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

He was in a bed with a large quilt covering him. The wool felt thick under his fingertips and it rested heavily on his body like an embrace. Pine scented smoke floated over to him, mingling with the scent of tobacco from the man who sat on the bed, making the matress dip slightly by his shoulder. Soft yellow light from a lamp cast a shadow over the bed and his feet, which stuck out from the quilt. He liked to leave his feet out of the blankets and to curl up sideways with his knees drawn up.<\/p>\n

\u201cTho’ by your kindness my fond hopes were raised,<\/em>
\nLong, long ago, long, long ago.<\/em>
\nYou by more eloquent lips have been praised,<\/em>
\nLong, long ago, long, long ago,<\/em>
\nBut, by long absence your truth has been tried,<\/em>
\nStill to your accents I listen with pride,<\/em>
\nBlessed as I was when I sat by your side.<\/em>
\nLong, long ago, long ago.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

The song ended, and Joe opened his eyes. He glanced over at Hoss, who was looking at him. Adam\u2019s eyes were vacant, looking back down through the years at happier times. He turned his face toward them, and his eyes returned, focusing back on the present and the older versions of the little brothers he had known. He offered a faint smile.<\/p>\n

\u201cThanks, Adam.\u201d Joe said.<\/p>\n

~*~<\/p>\n

Hoof beats. They were like rocks falling in an avalanche, rolling faster and faster until there was nothing but madness and everything was crushed beneath. Joe crouched low over Minotaur\u2019s neck, urging him forward. The riders behind were on his heels, but they couldn\u2019t catch up. On his horse, Joe was the wind, just like in Abraham\u2019s Bible verses. Minotaur leaped forward, snorting at the slower horses behind him.<\/p>\n

Then Minotaur jerked. He stumbled, and Joe was hurled forward. He felt himself spinning, falling, twisting in the air. Minotaur squealed as he was trampled by the horses behind him, and the ground rushed up to meet Joe as he tumbled, head first toward it.<\/p>\n

The light shifted. He was back on a horse, but he was sitting in the saddle in front of someone. A strong arm gripped him, and a familiar scent surrounded him, like pine and soil. He was three again, and he leaned back against a firm chest, breathing in the scent of strength and security. It was his first time on a horse, and he kicked his heels impatiently, wanting to go faster.<\/p>\n

\u201cEasy there, Joe. You want to sit still.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

He knew the voice. He\u2019d always known it. It was deep; just like Adam had said, and warm like a rock in the sun. He craned his neck to look up into a pair of dark eyes, deeper than a black sky. Ben Cartwright smiled down at his three year old son and nudged his horse into a trot. Joe squealed and clutched at the saddle horn, the leather smooth under his fingers. He heard his Pa\u2019s laugh at his reaction, but the arm tightened around his stomach to keep him from slipping off.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cWhat if I fall?\u201d he wanted to know.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cYou get back up, Little Joe.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

Joe opened his eyes. Sunlight was draped through the air and over the wooden walls like ribbons, setting golden fire to the sweetly scented hay. He glanced over at sleeping Hoss and the awake Adam and remembered the morning in the line shack. The first morning. So much had changed since then. Adam glanced at him, somehow sensing that he was awake.<\/p>\n

\u201cRace day.\u201d He said.<\/p>\n

Joe nodded and sat up. Bits of hay stuck in his hair and he brushed them out impatiently and then rubbed his neck, stiff from sleeping on the floor. \u201cHas it been quiet?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAs a church. Which means that if anything is going to happen it\u2019ll probably be during the race.\u201d He paused. \u201cYou don\u2019t have to do this.\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe stood up, sending a flurry of hay to the floor like snow. \u201cYes, I do.\u201d He said.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

If Sacramento had been crowded earlier it was swarming now. Minotaur pranced restlessly back and forth at the end of his lead as they threaded their way through the crowds.<\/p>\n

\u201cThat horse looks like he feels the same way I do.\u201d Hoss said. Minotaur\u2019s head was up and his nostrils flared as wide as his eyes as he took in the crowds and strange smells.<\/p>\n

\u201cHe\u2019s probably never seen so many pretty girls before. Maybe he and I should try talking to them.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAfter the race, you mean?\u201d Adam interjected.<\/p>\n

\u201cNaturally.\u201d Joe glanced at a shapely blonde and sighed inwardly as they continued riding. She might be around after the race. And he might still be in one piece. He swallowed against the fear that tasted bitter in his throat. Whatever Bates was planning, he had no choice but to ride into it, so there was no point in worrying. Too bad he couldn\u2019t make his fluttering stomach agree.<\/p>\n

They put their horses at the livery stable and Hoss started fussing over Minotaur\u2019s legs. Adam and Abraham watched in silence while Joe fidgeted with a piece of twine.<\/p>\n

\u201cThere\u2019s a lot of people out there.\u201d He said.<\/p>\n

\u201cThere always are.\u201d Abraham\u2019s eyes remained on Hoss, and Joe sighed when he didn\u2019t offer any further comments.<\/p>\n

\u201cAt least there will be a lot of witnesses if anyone tries anything.\u201d he tried again. When there was no answer, he tossed his twine to the floor. \u201cI\u2019ll be back.\u201d He said.<\/p>\n

This time Adam looked up. \u201cBe careful. And don\u2019t go far.\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe waved him off irritably. He felt like if he stood still for another minute his head would fly off. Outside the rippling of the crowd helped to soothe his tense muscles. He glanced to his side and saw another young man who looked like he was going to throw up. Joe nodded at him. It was good to know he wasn\u2019t the only nervous rider, though he was probably the one with the most at stake.<\/p>\n

\u201cPst!\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe frowned and glanced around. He caught sight of a young man and searched his mind briefly for the name.<\/p>\n

\u201cLuke?\u201d he finally said.<\/p>\n

The boy jerked his head and disappeared around the back of the stable and down a narrow alleyway. Joe mentally shrugged and followed.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat is it?\u201d he asked.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019re the one riding Abraham Rosner\u2019s horse, aren\u2019t you?\u201d Luke asked. His voice was low in a conspiratorial whisper.<\/p>\n

\u201cYeah, why?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSomeone doesn\u2019t want you to win.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWho?\u201d<\/p>\n

He shook his head. \u201cI don\u2019t know. I was cleaning the livery stable \u2018cuz I work there and I heard a couple of men talking about it. But I don\u2019t know who they were. They mentioned Mr. Hawkings though. Said there was something planned for during the race.\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe snorted. \u201cCan\u2019t even win honestly.\u201d He shook his head. They had known it was coming, but it still took him by surprise. The part of him that had been hoping that all this worry was for nothing threw in with the rest of his frenzied nerves. \u201cThanks for the warning.\u201d<\/p>\n

Luke grinned. \u201cYou said to pay you back.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThis leaves me in your debt.\u201d<\/p>\n

The grin got wider. \u201cYou can pay me later.\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe laughed. \u201cHold me to it.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI will. But I\u2019d better get lost. Don\u2019t want anyone knowing I told you; seems trouble likes you.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m not arguing with that.\u201d He leaned against the wall as Luke scooted away. For some reason he felt a lot calmer now that he knew something was coming. At least he could stop jumping every other second. He went back inside. Hoss was still running his hands down Minotaur\u2019s legs and Adam and Abraham were still looking on. For a moment Joe considered keeping Luke\u2019s news to himself. After all, there wasn\u2019t much they could do during the race except watch. But he cleared his throat.<\/p>\n

\u201cWe\u2019ve got trouble.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat kind of trouble?\u201d Adam asked. Hoss straightened and they all faced Joe.<\/p>\n

\u201cHawkings, or Bates, or both have something planned for during the race. One of the stable boys told me.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam frowned and Hoss\u2019 eyes flickered from him back to Joe.<\/p>\n

\u201cMaybe you shouldn\u2019t ride.\u201d He said. \u201cIf it\u2019s\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m riding.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s too dangerous.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m riding.\u201d Joe said. His tone left no room for arguing, but Hoss did anyway.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s not worth your life, Joe.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSo you both are allowed to risk your life for the Ponderosa, but I\u2019m not?\u201d Joe demanded. Hoss opened his mouth and then shut it. Joe had him there. He looked to Adam for support.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou think you can stop him?\u201d Adam asked wryly. He met Joe\u2019s slight grin with his own faint smile that belied how sick his stomach was feeling. \u201cBut be careful.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ve been taking care of myself without you for a while now. I think I\u2019ll manage.\u201d Joe answered.<\/p>\n

\u201cTime to line up!\u201d someone yelled into the stable. Joe took a deep breath and gripped Minotaur\u2019s reins. Hoss walked next to him in a slow cadence behind the line of horses on their way to the empty street. It was lined with a blur of faces and colors that Joe barely noticed. He mounted in silence and Hoss checked his tack and then held onto the reins under Minotaur\u2019s chin. The horse squealed and aimed a kick at the bay beside him.<\/p>\n

\u201cEasy.\u201d Hoss said sternly. He looked up at Joe who had barely flinched. \u201cAre you alright?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t know.\u201d He felt sick suddenly. \u201cHoss, if something happens, don\u2019t let Adam blame himself. I want this just as much as he does.\u201d<\/p>\n

Hoss nodded, but he couldn\u2019t help adding, \u201cNothing\u2019s going to happen. Just stay clear of the pack; it\u2019s not hard for a rider to stick a knife into someone without anyone seeing it.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cRight.\u201d<\/p>\n

Hoss didn\u2019t want to leave him looking so panicked, but he was the only one left in the street on foot. He gave Joe a pat on the knee; it wasn\u2019t much, but it was all he could think to do. Then he left his little brother and the horse.<\/p>\n

Joe inhaled and let the breath out slowly, feeling it shake in his chest. Minotaur seemed to sense his nervousness and pranced slightly, forcing Joe to focus on his horse instead of any potential danger.<\/p>\n

Just focus on him. He told himself. You can outrun any problems. He hoped he was right.<\/p>\n

~*~<\/p>\n

For some reason Joe looked extremely small on top of Abraham\u2019s large horse, almost as small as the time they\u2019d given him a ride on Hoss\u2019 pony when he was three. Adam couldn\u2019t tear his eyes off his little brother as horses and riders alike shifted impatiently, waiting for the gunshot that would shoot them forward into a stampede. One that held a lot of potential danger for his little brother sitting palely on top of his antsy mount. If only Adam knew where the attack would come from. But he didn\u2019t; Joe was alone against an unknown enemy. And Adam had put him there.<\/p>\n

\u201cAre you wishing you were riding?\u201d Abraham asked, breaking Adam\u2019s train of thought.<\/p>\n

\u201cHe\u2019s alone out there.\u201d Adam said through his clenched jaw. Hoss put a hand on his shoulder.<\/p>\n

\u201cHe\u2019ll be fine. He\u2019s as stubborn as a donkey.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIf anyone\u2019s going to be hurt, it should be me.\u201d Adam said.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou already got hurt.\u201d Abraham pointed out. Adam snapped his mouth shut and refocused on the line of horses. The gun went off.<\/p>\n

~*~<\/p>\n

Joe barely needed to tell Minotaur to go with the gunshot; the horse leaped forward with a push from his hind legs that would have knocked Joe out of the saddle if he hadn\u2019t been ready. As Minotaur landed, Joe urged him forward again into an even longer stride. Then he checked him before the horse could fully stretch his legs.<\/p>\n

Not time to be in front yet. His thoughts came in short bursts like the sound of hooves hitting the ground beneath him. He\u2019d seen enough races to know that the horse that started first rarely finished that way.<\/p>\n

Hold him back. The voice in his head sounded like Carl, the same tone that had coached him through his first race. Then Adam joined in.<\/p>\n

Watch out. You don\u2019t know who\u2019s against you.<\/p>\n

He was surrounded by a sea of bobbing horse heads and rocking bodies of varying shades of brown and red. Any one of them could have been hired by Bates. As they rounded a bend in the road, Joe swung Minotaur to the outside. The horse fought against Joe\u2019s restraints, and Joe resisted the urge to pull back.<\/p>\n

Don\u2019t fight him; he\u2019s stronger than you, and you\u2019ll just wear him down. Keep him between your hands and legs. He felt the horse pull on his hands all the way through his shoulders, back, and stomach, but he didn\u2019t budge. They were running in the center of the pack, not exactly where Joe wanted to be, but he knew if he brought Minotaur to the outside he wouldn\u2019t be able to hold him back. As it was he was nearly running over the horse in front of them as Minotaur tried to wriggle through the herd like a fish.<\/p>\n

He glanced at the remaining riders, but they all seemed intent on their own horses rather than paying any attention to him. Minotaur felt his attention wander and tried to run out from under him, but Joe held him down.<\/p>\n

Not yet. He held Minotaur together in a rhythm that got faster and more compact, like water raging at a dam, waiting for the moment it would break free.<\/p>\n

Then he felt an explosion of red in his side. The world tilted and burst into flashes of black as he fumbled for Minotaur\u2019s mane. His hands had slipped, and Minotaur lurched forward from underneath him. He felt his body leave the saddle; he was flying through the air. Then the ground slammed into him, knocking all the air out of his lungs. Joe ducked his head and put his arms over it to shield him from the horses behind him. The hoof beats were so loud it was like they were in his ears. Something exploded in his right shoulder. Another shot of pain behind his thigh. So much dust. For a moment he thought of a cave in. Then silence. He raised his head and nearly screamed from the flame of heat that ignited his side. His head crashed back into the ground, and his left hand reached up to cover his side as the flame spread over his whole body. His hand came away sticky with blood that had seeped through his torn shirt. The rider beside him must have had a knife. Joe struggled to picture his face, but everything was hazy. He tried to sit up again, but his side sent rivets of pain through him that overshadowed the numbness in his right leg from the horse that had kicked him. He didn\u2019t reach down to see how bad it was. Instead he let his head hit the dirt for a third time and focused on breathing through clenched teeth and the red fog in his lungs.<\/p>\n

\u201cGet up.\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe opened his eyes that had been squeezed shut. Who had said that? But he didn\u2019t see anyone, just his horse. Joe stared at Minotaur in shock. Why hadn\u2019t he run off? He struggled to his feet and fell to his hands and knees as his right leg gave out beneath him. A yelp burst through his lips from the weight on his shoulder.<\/p>\n

\u201cCome on.\u201d His voice rasped, and he held out a hand to the horse. He couldn\u2019t get up without a support, not if he still wanted to keep a grip on his side. Minotaur lowered his head and sniffed at Joe.<\/p>\n

\u201cPlease.\u201d Joe nearly cried in relief when the horse took a step in his direction. From his position on the ground, Joe checked Minotaur\u2019s forelegs. They were a little scratched up, but he couldn\u2019t feel any heat or swelling.<\/p>\n

\u201cGuess you\u2019re the lucky one.\u201d He gasped as he looked up at the saddle. The horse seemed five miles high.<\/p>\n

\u201cWe can\u2019t catch them anyway.\u201d He said. But his used his left hand to pull himself to his feet.<\/p>\n

You get back up. He remembered the voice in his dream. \u201cCome on.\u201d He led Minotaur limp by limp to the edge of the road where there was a rock.<\/p>\n

He struggled to the top, leaning on Minotaur instead of using his now throbbing right leg. He could barely see anything through the black specks in front of his eyes, and once he was on top he swayed dizzily and nearly fell back down. He gripped the saddle, and Minotaur glanced back as if to ask if he was going to get on. Joe started to and then realized that he couldn\u2019t swing his right leg over the saddle without using his painful right arm.<\/p>\n

You don\u2019t have time for this. Joe gritted his teeth and flung himself up. For a moment he thought he was falling again, but his left hand gripped the mane, and his feet found the stirrups. He lay with his face in Minotaur\u2019s mane, panting and trying not to throw up. Minotaur started moving, and Joe straightened. There was a buzzing in his head, like it was stuffed with hundreds of bees. He covered his side with his limp right hand and held onto the reins as well as the saddle horn with the other. It and his left foot in the stirrups was the only thing keeping him in the saddle. For a moment he considered letting himself fall again, crash into the earth and then slip into blissful nothingness. It wasn\u2019t like he could catch the other riders anyway. But Adam wouldn\u2019t do that, and neither would Hoss or his Pa, according to Adam. Cartwrights didn\u2019t give up.<\/p>\n

\u201cLet\u2019s show them who they\u2019re messing with.\u201d he muttered through clenched teeth, and he drove both of his heels into Minotaur\u2019s sides, ignoring the burst of pain through his right leg. If they were going to catch the others, he would have to ride this horse, not just sit there managing to hold on.<\/p>\n

Minotaur flew. The landscape blurred together with the black specks in front of his eyes. He didn\u2019t need to see; he just needed to feel his horse beneath him. His shoulders rolled with every stride, and each movement left him gasping for air, but he clung to the horse like a tick to a hound crashing through brambles after a deer. Then he couldn\u2019t feel anything either except the scream from his muscles every with each of Minotaur\u2019s leaps. Joe closed his eyes and let the horse go.<\/p>\n

A gunshot made his eyes snap open again. Were they shooting at him? The shots sounded far away, up ahead more. His eyes watered, but all he could see was dust. As Minotaur raced forward, he could make out the shapes of horses farther ahead. They weren\u2019t running a race though, they were scattered. Was he seeing things? Then the horses realigned; whatever had scattered them was gone. Joe gripped the reins in his good hand as well as the sleeve of his jacket to keep his useless arm from flapping. The motion made him see red every time it jarred against itself as the arm rolled free of its socket. He couldn\u2019t see anything through the red tears that either came from the wind or the pain.<\/p>\n

\u201cGo on.\u201d His voice scraped through his jaw, clenched in pain. He spurred Minotaur forward.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

~*~<\/p>\n

The seconds ticked sluggishly by like a river of mud. All around him people were talking, but Adam felt like he was behind a wall of silence. Hoss\u2019 hand was still on his shoulder. Neither of them noticed anymore. The voices around him slowly fell into silence, and Abraham pulled out his handkerchief to cough.<\/p>\n

\u201cThe race usually doesn\u2019t take this long.\u201d Someone muttered.<\/p>\n

Adam felt his stomach sink to his knees. Something had gone wrong. A paper propelled by the wind skidded across the empty street. Then a voice called out, \u201cI see them!\u201d<\/p>\n

The crowd broke into noise once more. \u201cWho?\u201d someone yelled.<\/p>\n

\u201cJohn Baker\u2019s horse followed by Wilson\u2019s!\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam craned his neck, but he couldn\u2019t see past the tall the people in front of him. Any other time he would have laughed at Abraham standing on tiptoes as he tried to see.<\/p>\n

\u201cIs Joe there?\u201d he asked.<\/p>\n

\u201cNo.\u201d Hoss said.<\/p>\n

Adam felt like he\u2019d been punched in the stomach.<\/p>\n

\u201cWait.\u201d Hoss\u2019 voice suddenly changed. \u201cThere\u2019s a horse coming around that left bend.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam pushed forward to see. It was Joe, but he was hunched over the horse in a way that made Adam\u2019s throat clench. Joe\u2019s right hand was clenched uselessly at his side, and his clothes were torn and dusty. Something had gone wrong.<\/p>\n

\u201cHe won\u2019t make it.\u201d Hoss said.<\/p>\n

\u201cHe might.\u201d Abraham stepped in front of Adam.<\/p>\n

Adam held his breath as he watched the horse reach with his front legs, Joe urging him faster with his hands and body.<\/p>\n

\u201cCome on.\u201d Adam mentally urged the horse faster and felt his legs tense as if he was driving Minotaur himself. Slowly the distance between Joe and the other horses began to close. Too slowly. Adam\u2019s heart sank as he realized Joe wouldn\u2019t make it.<\/p>\n

\u201cHe has more.\u201d Abraham said. \u201cJoe just has to drive him to it.\u201d<\/p>\n

As if he\u2019d heard Abraham, Joe seemed to bend closer to Minotaur and something broke free. They were no longer horse and rider; they were an avalanche or a windstorm that swept past the trailing horses. As the two lead horses thundered toward the finish line, suddenly there were three leaders. Joe\u2019s eyes were closed, but his body still urged Minotaur forward, asking for more from his lather covered horse. And Minotaur gave it; as they swept past the finish line, he thrust himself forward, just barely in front of the other two. Hoss whooped and threw his hat in the air; Adam thought he was going to collapse. He hadn\u2019t realized he\u2019d been holding his breath.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat did I tell you?\u201d Abraham slapped Adam on the back.<\/p>\n

Adam grinned and glanced down the street toward Joe. Then he froze. The horses were still running as their riders slowly brought them down from their gallop, but Joe was slumped over in the saddle like he\u2019d been shot. While Adam pushed past the crowds to get to his brother, he watched in what seemed like slow motion as Joe slipped forward out of the saddle and landed unmoving on the ground.<\/p>\n

~*~<\/p>\n

People were cheering. He could barely hear them over the buzzing noise in his head. His head fell forward; he was too exhausted to hold it up after that last burst that had driven Minotaur over the finish line. He felt so heavy, as if he was made of wood. His fingers loosened and then the reins slipped out of his hand. He couldn\u2019t even see them to pick them back up. Minotaur kept running, but Joe couldn\u2019t feel the motion anymore. He was falling, slowly, like the air was trying to push him back up. He wanted to tell it to let him go; but his mouth wouldn\u2019t form the words. Then there was darkness.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Hoss wanted to tell Adam to sit down. His brother kept pacing back and forth, his glance shooting from the window to see if Abraham was coming back from collecting their winnings to the door that the doctor was behind with Joe. But he knew it wouldn\u2019t do any good. Truth be told, he didn\u2019t know how he was managing to stay so calm; usually he was the first one to be up in arms when things happened.<\/p>\n

\u201cHow long is this supposed to take?\u201d Adam muttered. The few minutes that they\u2019d been there seemed like hours.<\/p>\n

Hoss wasn\u2019t sure if Adam was talking about Abraham or Joe. Hopefully the doctor would be done soon. Somehow Hoss felt that the longer he was in there, the worse off Joe was.<\/p>\n

Adam had been the first to reach him, but he hadn\u2019t been able to lift him with only one arm, so Hoss had carried him out of the street and the path of the other horses. Joe\u2019s head had lolled to the side when Hoss had picked him up, but other than that he didn\u2019t move, and Hoss had nearly dropped him when he had felt how light he was, more like the three year old he\u2019d once held under his Ma\u2019s watchful eye than the seventeen year old he\u2019d come to know.<\/p>\n

\u201cShouldn\u2019t be too much longer now.\u201d he finally said. It was a safe answer for either situation.<\/p>\n

Adam barely heard him. Abraham needed to get back so he could take the money to Bates and then pound him into a bloody mass, and the doctor needed to finish up so Adam could know whether or not he needed to kill Bates.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou should sit down.\u201d Hoss said.<\/p>\n

\u201cI can\u2019t.\u201d If he sat he\u2019d be up again two seconds later. Hoss nodded knowingly and let the matter drop.<\/p>\n

Adam paused at the window and let his forehead rest against the cool glass. He\u2019d been so close to fixing everything, and now he may have been cheated again. He closed his eyes and breathed a prayer that showed up as condensation on the window.<\/p>\n

\u201cHey, Hoss?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYeah?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDo you believe in God?\u201d Adam didn\u2019t lift his head.<\/p>\n

\u201cSure I do.\u201d Hoss glanced at Adam curiously. \u201cDo you?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhy?\u201d Adam ignored Hoss\u2019 question.<\/p>\n

\u201cDoesn\u2019t seem like there\u2019s any other answer for the fact that our family was torn apart, but we still found each other. Then we were almost split apart again, and we\u2019re still here together.\u201d Hoss came over and put a hand on Adam\u2019s shoulder, knowing what his brother was thinking. \u201cI don\u2019t think God brought us back together just to let Joe die before he has a chance to get to know his family.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam wished he could have such faith, but at least he could take comfort in Hoss\u2019. The cloud of vapor evaporated from the window, leaving the glass clear once again. Adam spun as the door behind him opened.<\/p>\n

\u201cHow is he?\u201d He asked.<\/p>\n

\u201cHe\u2019s lost a lot of blood, and he\u2019s pretty banged up. He may have internal bleeding.\u201d Doctor Thorne said. \u201cIf he does\u2026\u201d he trailed off and cleared his throat. \u201cI need to examine him more thoroughly, but if you want to see him first \u2026\u201d the doctor was cut off by Adam and Hoss rushing past him, and Adam forced his mind not to finish the sentence.<\/p>\n

\u201c\u2026one last time.\u201d He pushed the thought from his head.<\/p>\n

Joe\u2019s face was as pale as the sheet that covered him, but Adam was relieved to see the fabric moving gently up and down. He let himself sink into a chair by the bed with Hoss standing beside him, his heart thudding like hooves on his chest.<\/p>\n

Please, Pa, God, anything but this.<\/p>\n

\u201cAdam.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam started at the sound of Joe\u2019s voice that was smaller than a whisper. His little brother\u2019s eyelids fluttered open and underneath his eyes searched back and forth. Adam bent over so Joe could see him.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat is it?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDid you see that last spurt? Some horse.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSome horse and some race.\u201d Hoss said. He tried to make his voice sound light, as if he wasn\u2019t worried that inside Joe\u2019s body his blood might be seeping out like poison.<\/p>\n

\u201cWe won.\u201d Joe closed his eyes. \u201cDidn\u2019t we, Adam?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou did.\u201d Adam\u2019s throat closed over his voice. He kept his face calm, but inwardly he felt like railing against fate and her toying with him and against any god that might be listening. Maybe Hoss was right and they wouldn\u2019t have come this far to be torn apart now, but in his experience, life only ever knocked you down and then kicked you while you were there.<\/p>\n

\u201cDon\u2019t worry.\u201d Joe didn\u2019t open his eyes, and his voice was so low that they had to lean close to hear.<\/p>\n

The rising and falling of the sheets began to slow, and Adam leaned forward. \u201cJoe?\u201d he asked worriedly. He didn\u2019t like the dreamy tone of his brother\u2019s voice or the vacant look that had been in his eyes just before he\u2019d closed them.<\/p>\n

\u201cI gave him something for the pain.\u201d Doctor Thorne stood in the doorway. \u201cHe\u2019ll nod of any minute now and then sleep for a good while.\u201d He cleared his throat. \u201cRight now I need to examine him further. It might be better if….\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWe ain\u2019t leaving him.\u201d Hoss said.<\/p>\n

Doctor Thorne nodded. Adam looked past him and nearly froze. Jesse Finch was standing in the doorway.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ll be back.\u201d he stood and then felt a weak hand brush against his.<\/p>\n

\u201cAdam\u2026\u201d Joe hesitated, and Adam gave him a nod and gripped his hand. The gesture spoke more words than he possibly could have.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou did good, kid.\u201d He said. This time he couldn\u2019t keep his voice from shaking a little. \u201cBetter than I would have done.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam shut the door behind him and crossed his arms as he leaned against it. His relaxed stance belied his inner defensiveness as he eyed Jesse coldly. \u201cWhat are you doing here?\u201d he asked. His hand strayed to his side and rested against his gun. Jesse raised his arms.<\/p>\n

\u201cEvening out the odds a little.\u201d His hand brushed his gun. \u201cAbraham sent me to get you.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhy?\u201d There were several questions wrapped into the one word. \u201cWhere is he?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI left him at the courthouse. There\u2019s a bit of a stir going on. Apparently some people think the race was fixed.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t know why they would think that.\u201d Adam muttered. The memory of the last time he\u2019d followed this man somewhere flashed through his mind.<\/p>\n

Jesse shook his head, and something like amusement flitted over his face. \u201cProbably because someone fired some shots at the riders during the race and stirred them up a little. It slowed down the race considerably.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam eyed Jesse. \u201cWho would do that?\u201d<\/p>\n

Jesse shrugged, and Adam rephrased.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhy would you do that?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI owe Joe for letting Carl go.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam tensed. \u201cWhere is Carl?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOn his way to Oregon.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAlone?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDoubt me if you want, but Abraham is still waiting.\u201d Jesse gestured toward the open door, and Adam hesitated. Then he shrugged and followed Jesse out onto the street. He trusted Abraham \u2013 if Abraham really had sent Jesse.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhy did you come back?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBates is a snake from what Tom told me. And believe it or not, I care about Joe.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam had a hard time believing it, but he didn\u2019t say so. Instead he followed Jesse in silence, wondering when exactly they had become allies.<\/p>\n

\u201cSo you saw what happened? In the race?\u201d he finally asked.<\/p>\n

\u201cNot really. I came around the bend and Joe was dragging himself up onto his horse. He was way behind, so I went ahead and slowed the herd down a little. I figured if they could cheat, so could I. Only now everyone\u2019s in a little bit of an uproar about it.\u201d Jesse opened the door to the courthouse, and Adam stepped in. He paused for a moment as the sounds of loud voices rolled over him like waves of heat. Jesse hadn\u2019t been exaggerating when he\u2019d said there was an uproar.<\/p>\n

\u201cThere\u2019s Abraham.\u201d Jesse pointed, and he and Adam nudged their way thought the crowd to the short, white haired man.<\/p>\n

\u201cHow\u2019s Joe?\u201d Abraham asked.<\/p>\n

Adam shook his head. He didn\u2019t want to say it. \u201cI don\u2019t know.\u201d<\/p>\n

Abraham seemed to know better than to offer a weak \u2018he\u2019ll be alright\u2019. Instead he nodded toward a silver-haired man in the front. \u201cThere\u2019s Hawkings. He\u2019s probably trying to figure out how to make good on his wagers.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBates isn\u2019t here.\u201d Adam glanced around. He should have known that he wouldn\u2019t be. He would let Hawkings clean up his mess rather than risk getting caught with a smoking gun.<\/p>\n

\u201cHawkings is your lever.\u201d Abraham agreed. \u201cThe question is, do you want your winnings or do you want to get him arrested? Because you won\u2019t get both.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd there\u2019s no way to get dirt on Bates. He\u2019ll weasel his way out of anything.\u201d Adam weighed his options for a moment and then stepped forward. He slipped between several arguing people until he was right behind Hawkings.<\/p>\n

\u201cNot the way you planned things, is it?\u201d he said in a low tone that only Hawkings could hear.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat do you mean by that?\u201d Hawkings barely turned his head, but he glanced at Adam out of the corner of his dark eyes.<\/p>\n

\u201cThe horse that was supposed to lose won. You lost your wagers and whatever money Bates was going to pay you.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t think I know what you\u2019re talking about.\u201d Hawkings snapped. \u201cAnd I\u2019m in the middle of something here, so if you don\u2019t mind\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou don\u2019t know what I\u2019m talking about.\u201d Adam snorted. \u201cAnd I suppose you\u2019ve never heard of Sam Bates before either. Only I\u2019ve got several witnesses who know better.\u201d Adam reflected that he\u2019d just stretched the word several to include a stable boy that he didn\u2019t even know the name of, his unconscious brother, and Jesse Finch.<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd who might that be?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo one I\u2019ll tell you the names of. People involved in this seem to be getting injured at a rapid rate.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019re lying.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cMaybe. Want to risk it?\u201d Adam leaned closer. \u201cGo ahead and try my bluff. We\u2019ve both played our hands, Hawkings, and I came out on top. Want me to yank up your sleeve and show everyone that you\u2019ve been hiding an ace?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou can\u2019t prove anything.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t need to. A man like you is only as good as your reputation. How much mud can it be dragged through before it starts to tarnish?\u201d Adam could almost hear Hawkings thinking as his breathing shallowed, and he cleared his throat.<\/p>\n

\u201cAlright.\u201d He said. \u201cWhat do you want?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cJust cut your losses and announce the winner of the race.\u201d Adam said. He took several steps back, and Hawkings raised his hands.<\/p>\n

\u201cAttention. Attention!\u201d Hawkings shouted several times before a few people up front looked up at him. The voices dwindled down, and when all was silent, Hawkings cleared his throat again. \u201cI realize that this race has been a little different. Some people are saying that it was fixed. However, as the sole sponsor of this race, I think you\u2019ll all agree that it is my right to decide the winner. Since no one was killed or injured in the mysterious shooting, I don\u2019t see any need for a legal investigation.\u201d He glanced at the sheriff at the edge of the crowd, and then back at the people in front of him. \u201cI therefore declare Minotaur, owned by Abraham Rosner and ridden by Joe Cartwright to be the winner. And if anyone has a problem with that, they can take it up with me in private.\u201d He quickly added the last part as the voices surged again. Abraham moved forward to get the money and Adam allowed the people to push him back until he was beside Jesse again.<\/p>\n

\u201cNot bad.\u201d Jesse said.<\/p>\n

\u201cSometimes I think justice is a crooked as a dog\u2019s hind leg.\u201d Adam muttered. He also felt like he was trying to stop an avalanche by throwing snowballs.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou can only do what you can do. These people have their games, and they\u2019re good at them. The only way to win is to play by their rules. If you come out ahead, it\u2019s better to take what you\u2019ve got than lose it all trying to beat them.\u201d Jesse met Adam\u2019s questioning look and then glanced away. \u201cMy father happens to be one of those people.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI gathered.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWell.\u201d Abraham stepped beside them, and the rest of the people slowly began to disperse. \u201cHawkings gave me a look fit to kill, but here it is.\u201d He placed a money sack into Adam\u2019s hand. \u201cI assume you have some business to take care of with that.\u201d he said.<\/p>\n

The sack was a light tan, the same color as the dust of the road that Adam had lifted Joe\u2019s head off of. Adam\u2019s fist closed around the cloth. \u201cI do.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Bates was in the hotel dining room and his carefully manicured hands held a newspaper that his eyes skimmed across. Adam paused in the doorway and stared at the man for several moments. He had seen him like this so many times; Bates always pretended to read when he was thinking. Adam could tell his eyes were moving by habit while his mind was miles away. Or maybe not miles. He was pretty sure Bates knew he was here, but he didn\u2019t move. His face remained frozen in a scowl that would have made most people take a step back. But Bates only looked up and smiled as he folded the newspaper.<\/p>\n

\u201cAren\u2019t you going to sit down?\u201d he asked.<\/p>\n

Adam glanced around. He recognized two of the men sitting nearby, and there was a third that he didn\u2019t know, but he had the bodyguard look. He stayed where he was, leaning against the doorframe.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhy don\u2019t you get rid of your men first.\u201d He said.<\/p>\n

\u201cSo you can kill me?\u201d Bates snorted.<\/p>\n

\u201cIf I wanted to kill you three oversized nursemaids wouldn\u2019t stop me. You know I can draw faster than them anyway.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019d be dead a second after me. You really want to throw it all away now that you\u2019ve won this round?\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam briefly wondered what Bates meant by \u2018this round\u2019 but he brushed the thought aside.<\/p>\n

\u201cNo.\u201d he said. \u201cI\u2019m not going to throw it all away. Which is why you\u2019ll be perfectly safe alone with me.\u201d He glanced at the men. Bates exhaled and then motioned to the men to leave.<\/p>\n

\u201cI suppose congratulations are an order.\u201d He said when they were gone. Adam knew he had to be writhing with fury inside, but it was impossible to tell from looking at him. \u201cHow\u2019s the boy?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNot dead yet.\u201d Adam walked across the room and sat. He glanced up at Bates with a half curled lip from across the table, and Bates stared back with his eyes narrowed. Both looks were cold, one mocking, the other calculating.<\/p>\n

\u201cDo you have what you owe me?\u201d Bates finally asked.<\/p>\n

Adam tossed the sack on the table. As Bates pulled out the deed and signed it, Adam contemplated what to say. He\u2019d made up a whole speech on his way over, but now it had vanished, and he could only think about how easy it would be to kill Bates right now. A small bullet, a simple twitch of his trigger finger, just like the one that had started this whole thing. Or if he wanted to make it last, he could knock the life out of him slowly, punch by painful punch. His fists clenched at the thought, and a sharp throb shot through his right arm. It was like dry pine on a fire.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou know you owe me a lot more than this.\u201d Bates said, handing the deed to Adam. The paper felt light, as if it didn\u2019t contain a lifetime\u2019s worth of dreams. Adam pocketed it.<\/p>\n

\u201cI know.\u201d He stepped forward. His right arm was still tightly bandaged, but his left one worked just fine. His first punch knocked Bates out of his chair and onto the floor. The dull thump was the same that the dirt had made on his father\u2019s coffin. It was about time justice was done. For everything. He closed his eyes and used his right hand as well, not even noticing the angry pain that radiated through his wrist and forearm.<\/p>\n

Bates looked up but didn\u2019t move to rise. He wiped the blood off his face with the back of his hand.<\/p>\n

\u201cFeel better now? Avenged?\u201d he hissed. \u201cLike life is fair again?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIf life was fair we\u2019d both be dead. I guess we should both be grateful for second chances.\u201d Adam snapped. Bates\u2019 chuckle made him clench his fists again, but he forced them back open.<\/p>\n

\u201cI guess you\u2019re right. So now you\u2019re going to go off to your little ranch and live life like an upright citizen. Good luck. I know who you are. I ought to, I made you into it.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam sent a boot into Bates\u2019 side and the man gasped. Then he leaned forward and hissed in Bates\u2019 ear.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019ve only ever seen yourself in me, which is why you only see a monster. You have no idea who I am. I\u2019m letting you off easy this time, mostly because I\u2019d rather rebuild starting with a clean slate than with another killing. But if you ever try to hurt my family again, I still won\u2019t kill you – I\u2019ll make you wish I had. And if my little brother dies, you won\u2019t be able to run far enough to get away from me.\u201d<\/p>\n

Bates looked at him through one eye and nodded. There was no smooth reply, no careful phrasing. Adam straightened and gave Bates one last glance. His gun was still at his side, but Adam wasn\u2019t even tempted to use it. For all his money and power, he realized that the sniveling man below him wasn\u2019t even worth the bullet. Adam turned and walked away.<\/p>\n

~*~<\/p>\n

It was raining again, a steady downpour that ran in streams off Adam\u2019s hat and down his neck, but it was warm, not cold like the icy rain that had hung in the air fourteen years ago, and it smelled of damp soil and pine. It carried the scent of familiarity that brought Adam back to another time. He led the way on a path he could have traveled in his sleep, past the crumbling ruin of all that remained of the house and through trees on an overgrown road that led to the edge of the lake. The brothers were silent as they rode \u2013 somehow it seemed unreal, as if a spoken word would make it vanish like the fog that clung to them. For Adam it was like they he was riding through another time. He could easily close his eyes and imagine that the horse beside him was his Pa\u2019s instead of Hoss\u2019 and that they were riding out to check fences or clear more pastureland. The trees seem to glance down at him and note how much he had changed even as he realized how little they had. It was all the same as he had left it, and his throat constricted painfully as flashes of memories mingled with the rainy present. His Pa seemed closer than he\u2019d ever been at the same time he seemed farther than ever, and the part of him that had been buried when he hadn\u2019t come back was resurfacing in his chest. He could almost hear Ben Cartwright\u2019s voice.<\/p>\n

\u201cWe\u2019ll add about twenty head within the next few months and let them up into that new pastureland. There\u2019s more than enough room for them to roam up there. Come spring we\u2019ll add even more.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam closed his eyes an inhaled. How many times had he listened to his Pa talk as they rode this way countless times? But now he remembered the last time he\u2019d come this way with his two brothers, the last time he\u2019d seen his father\u2019s face. He could still see it in his mind\u2019s eye, so life-like despite the paleness. For some reason Adam had expected it to be more dead looking, like it was carved out of stone, but his eyes had gently rested shut, as if he was sleeping, and the lips had been parted slightly, like he was ready to speak. Adam opened his eyes and the image vanished. He reined in his horse and Hoss and Joe followed suit. In front of them the lake looked greyer than the clouds above it, and raindrops tattered the waves that rocked back and forth on their way to the shore as if pointing at the two graves nearby. Joe grunted slightly as his feet hit the ground, but Adam had learned quickly not to ask if he was alright. He could still feel the relief that had washed over him like rain when he\u2019d returned to the doctor\u2019s and had found Joe awake and with a good chance of surviving. Words that sprung to his mind had clogged in his throat, and he\u2019d only been able to grip his brother\u2019s hand and bow his head in gratefulness to whatever higher power had spared him.<\/p>\n

\u201cCartwrights don\u2019t die that easily.\u201d Joe had said to him, making Hoss laugh.<\/p>\n

\u201cAin\u2019t that the truth.\u201d He had said.<\/p>\n

Jesse had left shortly after. He had shaken Adam\u2019s hand, and then turned to Joe. But Joe cut off whatever he had been going to say.<\/p>\n

\u201cMaybe I\u2019ll see you around the ranch sometime.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cProbably not for a while. Wounds don\u2019t heal that quickly, Joe. You\u2019ve got your family to stick to, and I\u2019ve got mine. Besides, Carl thinks Adam\u2019s dead, and it\u2019s probably better if things stay that way.\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe had nodded understandingly, and the two had embraced before Jesse had mounted and rode off. Now the three brothers descended toward the lake side and the two gravestones that stood there. Both were cracked, and Adam brushed aside some of the moss that had grown over them. The silence was broken only by the sound of water \u2013 the raindrops on their saturated clothes and the lapping of the waves of the lake. Adam let the last handful of the springy moss fall to the muddy ground and moved to stand by his brothers. Water drops pelted down onto his bared head and ran over his eyes to drip off his nose. He blinked the rain and something else away.
\n\u201cI wish I could remember more.\u201d Joe\u2019s voice was low and his face was hidden by a forelock of hair over his forehead, curly in the dampness. His eyes traced the names again and again. There were still no faces, but if he closed his eyes he could imagine that he heard their voices, especially the deep one that had told him to get up during the race.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019ll come.\u201d Hoss said. It was slowly coming back to him, and it would come back to Joe. Not necessarily the memories, but the feeling, and the knowledge of who he was. \u201cYou can bet anything that Pa\u2019s up there now saying that it took us long enough to get here.\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe looked up, and his eyes were shiny with unshed tears. Adam felt moisture on his own cheeks, but he made no motion to wipe it away. An arm that had once held a three year old now wrapped around his little brother\u2019s shoulders and tightened, and a hand that had once gripped his as a nine year old now rested on his shoulder, as solid and heavy as a paperweight. He remembered that day and the emotions that had snapped and snarled at him, fear, hatred, doubt. All of it was being slowly washed away with the rain that streamed down his body and into Lake Tahoe. Maybe his Pa had been looking down then, but Adam was sure he was looking down now. And while the memory of that day was still there, it seemed hazy and far away like mountaintops in the distance, still a part of him but nothing more than a memory.<\/p>\n

~The End<\/p>\n

Next in The Wheels of Fate Series:<\/strong><\/p>\n

A Spoke in the Wheel: Joe’s Story<\/a><\/p>\n

Chapter End Notes:<\/p>\n

Thanks to all my readers from BW that helped me to write this; I’m serious guys, I couldn’t have done it if it hadn’t been for your constant support, comments, and constructive criticisms. It’s kind of bittersweet putting this story up here at BB since I was really looking forward to publishing it on BW, but I’m grateful to still have the community on a wonderful new site that I can share it with. All the best,
\nslaine89<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Master of Paraphernalia for PCC, Wonderfully Long Updater, Holder of the Key to the Fantasy Realm.<\/p>\n

<\/div>\n

<\/g><\/svg><\/i> \"Loading\"<\/p>\n

<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Summary: \u00a0In an alternate universe where Ben is dead and the boys grow up separated, will fate brings the Cartwrights back together once more? \u00a0<\/p>\n

Rated:\u00a0 T (72,638 words)<\/p>\n

The Wheels of Fate Series, links to all the stories within the series included.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":216,"featured_media":14681,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"template-full-width-post.php","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[2,7,23,30],"tags":[14,17,16],"class_list":["post-7434","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-actionadventure","category-a-u","category-drama","category-prequels","tag-adam-cartwright","tag-hoss","tag-joe","wpcat-2-id","wpcat-7-id","wpcat-23-id","wpcat-30-id"],"a3_pvc":{"activated":true,"total_views":3258,"today_views":3},"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/05\/images.jpg?fit=275%2C183&ssl=1","jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":14355,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=14355","url_meta":{"origin":7434,"position":0},"title":"Cartwrights Forever (by JC)","author":"JC","date":"June 2, 2017","format":false,"excerpt":"Summary: A tribute in rhyme for everyone who loves the Cartwrights, especially those who love to write about them. 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