{"id":828,"date":"2004-04-19T11:29:52","date_gmt":"2004-04-19T15:29:52","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=828"},"modified":"2025-02-27T12:08:27","modified_gmt":"2025-02-27T17:08:27","slug":"relative-values","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=828","title":{"rendered":"Relative Values (by Claire)"},"content":{"rendered":"

Summary<\/strong>:\u00a0 <\/span>A comedy of manners. Cousin Clarissa’s visits to the Ponderosa were never without incident…<\/p>\n

Rated:<\/span> K+ (5,317 words)<\/p>\n

Relative Series:<\/strong><\/p>\n

Relative Values<\/a>
\nRelatively Festive<\/a>
\nRelatively Peaceful<\/a><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Relative Values<\/strong><\/p>\n

Ben looked at the letter with a growing sense of disbelief, a shadow of fear and apprehension crossing his face as he tried to digest the unpalatable contents. Folding the paper in half, and then in half once again, he finally pushed it under the edge of his plate, as if trying to blot the contents from his mind. Placing both hands flat on the table, he exhaled loudly.<\/p>\n

\u201cIs it bad news?\u201d Marie asked anxiously. Adam and Hoss exchanged surreptitious looks and then applied themselves to eating their meal as quickly and quietly as possible.<\/p>\n

\u201cNot exactly bad,\u201d Ben allowed. \u201cJust\u2026 a little surprising.\u201d<\/p>\n

Marie raised one eyebrow in a quizzical manner. \u201cA pleasant surprise \u2013 or an unpleasant one?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cA mixed bag,\u201d Ben admitted. \u201cThe letter is from my Cousin Clarissa \u2013 announcing that she\u2019s coming to pay us a visit.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWho is Cousin Clarissa?\u201d Hoss enquired. Generally speaking, visitors tended to bring gifts with them, so the boy was disposed to view arrival this new relative with pleasure.<\/p>\n

\u201cShe\u2019s a rather distant relative, quite a bit older than me,\u201d Ben explained. \u201cTo be perfectly honest, I\u2019ve never quite worked out what our relationship is. It\u2019s rather complicated and tangled.\u201d<\/p>\n

Picking up the bone from his pork chop, Hoss chewed on it reflectively and considered the situation. The family certainly seemed to specialize in being different and difficult to pin down! For a start, he and Adam had different mothers, but that didn\u2019t mean they weren\u2019t as close as brothers could be. He looked across at his very new baby brother and wondered if he would ever feel the same way about Joe. Things had been very different since Joe made an early but dramatic appearance into the world and Hoss still wasn\u2019t sure if he liked the changes his arrival had brought. Had he the necessary vocabulary, Hoss would have described his feelings as ambivalent at best, possibly verging towards hostile. As it was, he just couldn\u2019t understand why everyone made so much fuss over a small, noisy nuisance.<\/p>\n

For one thing, Ma was always busy, fussing over the baby. Carefully fashioned cookies and long bedtime stories were now a distant memory for Hoss. In his childish mind he reasoned that the baby dominated life on the Ponderosa \u2013 why, even Pa got a soppy look on his face whenever he looked at Joe. He still urged Hoss to speak more clearly, while talking nonsense in a singsong voice to the baby. And Adam was always making cooing noises over the cradle and didn\u2019t even seem to mind changing dirty diapers. Hoss made sure he was kept a safe-distance whenever it was time for that particular chore. \u201cIs there any pudding?\u201d he asked hopefully, switching to a more pleasant topic.<\/p>\n

Marie looked flustered. \u201cI did promise to make an apple charlotte, didn\u2019t I? But then Joseph was fractious all afternoon and I simply couldn\u2019t leave him. I am sorry, dear.\u201d<\/p>\n

Hoss heaved a long-suffering sigh, but it was not in his nature to sulk. Especially when Hop Sing arrived at the table with a pile of cinnamon twists.<\/p>\n

Peace and harmony restored, Marie sipped her coffee and nibbled on a twist. \u201cWhen is your cousin arriving?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNext Saturday,\u201d Ben said, endeavoring to keep a cheerful note in his voice.<\/p>\n

Marie tried very hard to ignore the despondent tones. \u201cIt will be lovely to welcome a member of your family to the Ponderosa \u2013 and we can introduce her to the boys and Joseph!\u201d<\/p>\n

Under different circumstances, Ben would have been only too proud to do just this. It was just that Cousin Clarissa was a very, very determined lady, with strong views on almost every subject, which she generously insisted on sharing with her relatives. But she was family and Ben felt a sense of dutiful obligation towards her.<\/p>\n

Adam searched feverishly among his memories for some recollection of this cousin. Eventually, he was successful. \u201cWas she the lady who sat up so straight, her back never touched the chair?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThat sounds like Cousin Clarissa,\u201d Ben agreed, secretly astonished Adam could remember his one meeting, so many years ago.<\/p>\n

\u201cShe smelt like mothballs and peppermints,\u201d Adam told Hoss. \u201cAnd Pa told me I had to mind my Ps and Qs when we visited her.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI like peas, but I isn\u2019t never had no Qs,\u201d Hoss informed him and wondered why everyone burst out laughing. Families were very peculiar at times, he decided.<\/p>\n

***<\/p>\n

A small lady of indeterminate years stepped out of the stagecoach, looking as neat as a new pin, despite the long journey across dusty trail-roads. Quickly pulling off his hat, Ben bent down and gave her a courteous kiss.<\/p>\n

\u201cNot in public, Benjamin!\u201d Cousin Clarissa chided. \u201cThis may be the back of beyond, but there are limits and it is important to keep up our standards!\u201d She turned around and started haranguing the men unloading her possessions from the roof of the coach.<\/p>\n

With a sinking heart, Ben saw a bulging carpetbag; large suitcase and a packing crate pile up in the street at his feet. Exactly how long is she going to stay for? Until Joseph starts work on the ranch?<\/em> He forced himself to give his cousin a smile and gestured towards the buggy.<\/p>\n

Holding her skirts clear of the dusty street and carrying nothing heavier than her reticule, Clarissa allowed Ben to help her into the buggy. \u201cI did think Adam and young Eric might have had the good manners to be here to greet me. Not to mention that new wife of yours.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThe boys are in school,\u201d Ben wheezed, hefting the packing crate into the vehicle. It was extraordinarily heavy. He toyed with the idea of teasing Clarissa by asking if she\u2019d held up a bank and escaped with gold bullion, but decided against it. His cousin was not exactly renowned for her sense of humor. \u201cAnd Marie is waiting for you at home, with our baby, Joseph.\u201d He climbed up beside Clarissa and flicked the reins. \u201cThere\u2019s the Opera House, over there and the International Hotel.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cVery nice, I\u2019m sure,\u201d Clarissa said coldly. \u201cYour new wife is French, isn\u2019t she?\u201d<\/p>\n

Ben nodded in agreement. \u201cWe met and fell in love in New Orleans.\u201d His eyes grew soft with the memory. His reminiscences were cut short by a contemptuous sniff.<\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t approve of foreigners. No better than they ought to be.\u201d Clarissa glared significantly at the saloon girls standing outside the Silver Dollar. \u201cAt least you had the sense to give the child a decent name, not one of those ridiculous foreign ones.\u201d<\/p>\n

Ben kept silent, wondering how Clarissa would react to the news that \u201cEric\u201d was only ever called Hoss. He was sure she would not approve of that. Desperate to change the subject, he gestured at the towering pines and sweeping meadows ahead. \u201cWe\u2019re on the Ponderosa now, cousin. Isn\u2019t this a beautiful part of the world? It makes my heart sing with joy every time I come home.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s very nice,\u201d Clarissa agreed in a flat tone. \u201cIf you like that sort of thing.\u201d It was obvious that she was unmoved by the magnificent sight of Lake Tahoe shimmering below them, or the mountains sweeping up to azure-blue skies. \u201cI hope it\u2019s not too far now,\u201d she continued, in a voice tinged nicely with tragic despair. \u201cToo much fresh air isn\u2019t good for me, you know.\u201d<\/p>\n

Long years of parenting had prepared Ben Cartwright for many things and he had thought the most perilous task currently looming was explaining the facts of life to thirteen year-old Adam. But now he would just be grateful to survive this journey, far less Cousin Clarissa\u2019s visit,<\/p>\n

Inside her home, Marie looked around anxiously. The previous days had been spent in a flurry of cleaning and polishing, so determined was she that everything should be just perfect for their visitor. A fire burned brightly in the grate, the windows sparkled in the sunlight and a vase of flowers added a cheerful splash of color. Patting her hair into place and straightening her clothes, she bent over the cradle where Joe lay asleep.<\/p>\n

Normally, Marie treasured these brief daytime oases of peace and tranquility, and grabbed the opportunity to snatch a quick nap herself. But today, today of all days, she wanted her baby to be awake and smiling when Clarissa arrived. Joe had a tendency to be rather crotchety when he first woke up and an armful of fretful baby was definitely not the impression of domestic bliss Marie wished to project to her guest. Still, he looked adorable, decked out in a dress of white batiste, edged in lace and smocked in palest blue on the front, with a tiny pair of matching bootees peeking out from under the hem of the garment. For some reason, her baby chose to sleep with his arms flung above his head, giving him a casual and relaxed air.\u00a0 \u201cPlease be a good boy today,\u201d she prayed. This was her first meeting with a member of Ben\u2019s family and she wanted everything to go perfectly. It was desperately important that she should be accepted into the family.<\/p>\n

\u201cHere we are!\u201d Ben announced proudly, driving sedately into the yard, having been warned that the rough roads were inconsistent with his cousin\u2019s digestive system.<\/p>\n

Clarissa looked at the large, solid house before her. \u201cWell, you\u2019ve made a start here, Benjamin. Rustic, but not entirely lacking in charm. I daresay it will be quite comfortable, once you\u2019ve finished. And don\u2019t worry about me, I can \u2018rough it\u2019 with you for a few weeks!\u201d Her laugh rang out with hollow disbelief.<\/p>\n

Choking down his frustration, Ben ushered her inside, where Marie came forward, eager smile lighting up her face. \u201cDear Cousin Clarissa! How lovely to meet you \u2013 and welcome to the Ponderosa! I do hope your journey wasn\u2019t too tiring?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI am a trifle fatigued,\u201d Clarissa allowed. \u201cOf course, Benjamin hardly allowed me to catch my breath before bustling me into the buggy\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh Ben!\u201d Marie shot him a reproving look. \u201cPerhaps you would like to freshen up? Or would you prefer to have some coffee first?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s very kind of you, my dear.\u201d Clarissa patted the younger woman\u2019s hand in a patronizing way before turning to Ben. \u201cI\u2019m glad to see you\u2019ve finally had the sense to pick a wife who thinks of others before herself. Elizabeth was such a flighty creature, wasn\u2019t she? Not a thought in her little head about the important things in life.\u201d<\/p>\n

With a visible effort, Ben restrained himself, but his face darkened ominously. \u201cLet me show to your room, cousin.\u201d He gestured towards the downstairs bedroom. \u201cWe hope you\u2019ll be very comfortable here.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ll do my best,\u201d Clarissa replied, in suitably martyred tones. \u201cHow very novel to have a bedroom on the ground floor. You young people with your new-fangled ideas!\u201d She shut the door firmly behind her, leaving Ben and Marie staring at one another in disbelief.<\/p>\n

\u201cShe has had a very long journey,\u201d Marie offered. Ben just grunted and went over to his desk, where he poured himself a large glass of brandy. In the cradle by the fireside, Joe slept the sweet, serene sleep of the innocent newborn, safely rocked in a gentle world full of love and totally unaware of how his small universe was about to be shaken.<\/p>\n

***<\/p>\n

\u201cWow! Adam, look at the size of that box on the porch! Cousin Clarissa sure must have brought some great gifts!\u201d Hoss stared at the packing crate, his eyes wide with pleasure.<\/p>\n

Naturally skeptical where Cousin Clarissa was concerned, Adam did not say a word, but merely smoothed down his own hair and tucked Hoss\u2019 shirt firmly into his pants before leading his younger brother towards the house. As they drew closer, a familiar sound greeted them \u2013 angry roars, demanding immediate attention.<\/p>\n

\u201cLooks like Joe has woken up and is either wet or hungry!\u201d Adam joked. The cries increased in ferocity and volume, making the boys wince. \u201cOr maybe both,\u201d he allowed.<\/p>\n

\u201cSure does make an awful lot of noise and trouble,\u201d Hoss grumbled. \u201cThat\u2019s all he ever seems to do \u2013 scream the place down.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBabies are like that,\u201d Adam soothed. He was a little concerned that Hoss was so cool towards Joe, but Pa had explained that this was a common reaction among children to the arrival of a new baby. No longer the petted and indulged youngest of the family, Hoss was struggling to cope with the reality of having a baby in the house. On the few occasions he had held the baby, Ma and Pa had hovered anxiously over his shoulder and Joe had sensed his unease, squirming vigorously, before bursting into disconsolate howls.<\/p>\n

\u201cAre your hands clean?\u201d Adam demanded. Hoss held them out for inspection and was prodded in the direction of the horse trough, to wash off at least some of the accumulated dirt of the day. Finally satisfied, Adam marched him purposefully towards the house. \u201cNow, be polite! Say hello and then don\u2019t speak until you\u2019re spoken to \u2013 okay?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSuppose no one says anything to me?\u201d Hoss complained, screwing up his face in displeasure.<\/p>\n

\u201cThen stay quiet!\u201d Standing up straight, Adam fixed a pleasant smile on his face and walked into the house. \u201cGood afternoon, Cousin Clarissa!\u201d he said, extending his hand out politely.<\/p>\n

Clarissa took it gingerly, being well accustomed to the ways of boys, although this one looked cleaner than most, she had to admit. \u201cHe seems nicely brought up,\u201d she informed Ben.<\/p>\n

Adam stood awkwardly, unaccustomed to being discussed as if he weren\u2019t there. \u201cDid you have a pleasant journey?\u201d he persisted.<\/p>\n

\u201cI though we wasn\u2019t supposed to speak until we\u2019re spoken too!\u201d Hoss protested shrilly. Ben put a restraining hand on his shoulder.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt could hardly be described as pleasant \u2013 rather more of an ordeal. But what is my discomfort compared with my cousin\u2019s well-being?\u201d<\/p>\n

Correctly judging that no answer was expected, Adam stepped aside and pushed Hoss forward.<\/p>\n

\u201cHi!\u201d Hoss smiled brightly at the visitor. \u201cI sure am pleased you\u2019ve come to visit us!\u201d His thoughts crept back to the box on the porch and the wonders it was sure to contain. Maybe a toy fort, with soldiers or even a Noah\u2019s Ark!<\/p>\n

Clarissa returned his guileless beam, delved into her reticule and popped a peppermint into his mouth. Hoss\u2019 eyes bulged with pleasure.<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd this is my youngest son \u2013 Joseph!\u201d Ben took the baby from Marie and beamed proudly into the small face. Clarissa took a critical look.<\/p>\n

\u201cHe\u2019s rather small, isn\u2019t he?\u201d<\/p>\n

Hoss pushed the peppermint into his cheek. \u201cThat\u2019s what I think too!\u201d he confided.<\/p>\n

Clarissa studied Joe\u2019s face carefully and turned to Marie. \u201cHe\u2019s very like you, my dear, isn\u2019t he?\u201d<\/p>\n

Marie tried her best to take this as a compliment. \u201cI think he has my eyes, but I can also see Ben\u2019s chin.\u201d She gently stroked the downy, golden-brown curls and a tender expression crept across her eyes. \u201cIsn\u2019t he just beautiful?\u201d<\/p>\n

It is a well-established fact that there is only one answer to this question. Just as all brides are radiantly lovely on their wedding day, each baby is the most beautiful creature on earth, to his or her besotted parents. Clarissa did not seem to be aware of this nicety. \u201cMy \u2013 what a head of hair!\u201d Marie flushed with pleasure, but her happiness soon dissipated. \u201cIt really doesn\u2019t seem right for a child that age to have so much hair, does it? And curly into the bargain! And I do hope you won\u2019t take this the wrong way, but I can\u2019t help wondering why you don\u2019t keep a bonnet on him. His ears are a little distracting, aren\u2019t they? A bonnet is the best solution.\u201d<\/p>\n

Marie looked as if she were about to burst into tears, while Ben bristled with righteous indignation. \u201cThere is nothing wrong with that child\u2019s ears! A trifle large, perhaps, but he will grow into them!\u201d<\/p>\n

Hoss sidled closer to his cousin and slipped his hand into hers, receiving a surreptitious squeeze in return.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m sure you are right, Benjamin,\u201d Clarissa said soothingly, her whole demeanor implying that he was sadly deluded. With impeccable timing, Hop Sing announced that dinner was almost ready.<\/p>\n

\u201cI almost forgot!\u201d Clarissa clapped her hands together with glee, just above Joe\u2019s head, causing him to give a small twitch of distress. \u201cI brought a little present for you! After all, I know how difficult it is to get truly tasteful things, when one is living in the wilderness.\u201d She walked purposefully towards the door, her toes tapping on the polished wood floor, the Cartwrights following helplessly in her wake, Marie clutching her baby to her chest and regarding his ears mournfully.<\/p>\n

Ben pried the boards from the top of the packing case and began to delve into the straw-filled interior, while Clarissa continued talking.<\/p>\n

\u201cI though you could probably do with some nice china, and I know that these patterned services are very popular\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

Marie could hardly restrain her excitement. \u201cOh, how wonderful! I\u2019ve been longing for willow pattern china \u2013 it\u2019s so stylish!\u201d<\/p>\n

The words were scarcely out of her mouth when Ben pulled out a plate. It did not bear the striking blue and white pattern, telling the story of the Chinese sweethearts. Rather, the plate bore a slightly smudged red transfer print. Ben squinted carefully at it but was unable to determine what the subject matter was, although it appeared to be some rural scene. More than that, it was impossible to say.<\/p>\n

\u201cWillow pattern is rather common, I always think,\u201d Clarissa said smugly.<\/p>\n

\u201cHow very thoughtful of you,\u201d Ben began and then hesitated, not quite sure what to say.<\/p>\n

\u201cMost generous,\u201d Marie added, trying not to let her disappointment show. The china looked very serviceable, after all, and would be ideal for everyday use. It was just that she had her heart set on willow pattern!<\/p>\n

Hoss was entranced. \u201cRed is my favorite color! You chose real good, Cousin Clarissa!\u201d<\/p>\n

Smiling contentedly, she allowed the little boy to lead her back into the house. Husband and wife exchanged rueful glances.<\/p>\n

\u201cHoss seems to have made a friend,\u201d Marie ventured, just as Joe decided it was time someone paid him some attention and started to whimper, kicking his little legs back and forth. Cuddling him close, she headed towards the kitchen to prepare his feed.<\/p>\n

\u201cHow long is she staying for?\u201d Adam asked, letting his worry show.<\/p>\n

Ben draped his arm around the boy\u2019s shoulders. \u201cI don\u2019t know, son. I just don\u2019t know.\u201d With a sigh that seemed to come from his boots, he escorted his son to the dining table, where Hop Sing was laying out a fine joint of roast beef. For once, Clarissa did not have a sour comment to make and Adam thought she might even have licked her lips as a delicious aroma wafted in the still air.<\/p>\n

Ben had just finished serving everyone, when Marie slid back into her seat. Loud slurping noises indicated that Joe was devouring his dinner with as much pleasure as anyone else. Seeing that Marie was feeding Joe with a bottle, Clarissa voiced her approval. \u201cMuch the best thing! I have no truck with the other method \u2013 it simply isn\u2019t natural!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI tried to feed Joseph myself,\u201d Marie confessed miserably, for she still felt she had let her baby down. \u201cBut I just wasn\u2019t able to.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHe has to drink goat\u2019s milk,\u201d Adam volunteered. \u201cBecause when we tried him with cow\u2019s milk, he\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cADAM!\u201d Ben thundered. Joe hiccupped with fright at the sudden noise and blew a stream of bubbles into his bottle in protest. \u201cLet\u2019s just say it didn\u2019t agree with him and leave it at that,\u201d Ben continued, moderating his tones. Marie raised the baby to her shoulder and began rubbing his small back rhythmically. For a few moments there was silence, then Joe rewarded his mother\u2019s efforts with an unmistakable burp.<\/p>\n

Adam treasured the look of pure horror on Clarissa\u2019s face for many years to come: outrage, shock, and abject horror \u2013 panoply of emotions in a spilt-second.<\/p>\n

\u201cThat child has absolutely no sense of decorum!\u201d she spluttered, half-choking on a carrot, while Hoss thumped her helpfully on her back.<\/p>\n

\u201cI allus gets a row if I do that at table,\u201d Hoss whispered hoarsely.<\/p>\n

\u201cNow, Clarissa,\u201d Ben began, holding on to the fraying ends of his temper. \u201cJoe is just a baby, a tiny little baby, totally dependent on us! You can\u2019t expect him to observe social niceties! And if he doesn\u2019t bring up that wind, the poor little soul will be in agony.\u201d Did this woman have no sense at all, Ben wondered.<\/p>\n

Clarissa fixed him with a beady glare. \u201cIt is never too early to instill good manners into a child!\u201d she said icily. \u201cStill, I would hardly presume to impose my views upon your household, dear Benjamin. But mark my words, that child will lead you a merry dance!\u201d<\/p>\n

***<\/p>\n

The next morning, Clarissa announced that she would be joining the family at church. \u201cReligious education is so important for the young, isn\u2019t it Hoss?\u201d<\/p>\n

Hoss nodded in agreement and took the peppermint handed to him underneath the tablecloth, stowing it carefully in the pocket of his pants for safekeeping.<\/p>\n

Marie looked tired and drawn. \u201cI think Joseph and I will stay at home,\u201d she said hesitantly. \u201cI had rather a disturbed night with him and didn\u2019t get much sleep.\u201d The culprit lay contentedly on his mother\u2019s lap, gurgling happily, unaware of the trouble he had caused. His legs kicked out briefly and, intrigued by the action, Joe reached out, caught hold of a foot and dragged it to his mouth, where he sucked contentedly on his toes.<\/p>\n

\u201cStop that child at once!\u201d Clarissa shrieked in horror. \u201cYou\u2019ve no idea where his foot has been!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAt the bottom of his leg?\u201d Adam suggested in a low voice. He exchanged an amused look with his father, punctuated only by a familiar wail as Joe reacted to the high, piercing voice of his cousin.<\/p>\n

With a weary sigh, Marie started to pace up and down the living room, swaying back and forward as she soothed her baby. \u201cYou go on to church without me,\u201d she advised and Ben nodded in agreement.<\/p>\n

Peace and harmony descended as the buggy drove out of the yard. Marie sat down on the sofa and held Joe up high above her head. \u201cYou clever, clever boy! Mama\u2019s clever Joe! We get to stay at home while poor Papa has to suffer Cousin Clarissa!\u201d She lowered the baby and kissed his tiny nose, before bouncing him gently upwards, reveling in the squeaks of delight. After a short while, Joe\u2019s eyes became heavy with sleep and Marie simply curled up on the sofa, cradling him gently to her chest. The sound of his snuffling breath and the feel of his heartbeat soothed her and in a short time, she too was asleep.<\/p>\n

A gentle hand on her shoulder aroused Marie and she awoke to see Hop Sing\u2019s smiling face. \u201cChurch nearly over. I take baby while you get tidy?\u201d Hop Sing held out his hands, a certain pleading look on his face.<\/p>\n

\u201cHop Sing \u2013 whatever would I do without you?\u201d Marie transferred Joe into his arms and dashed upstairs to freshen up. She stopped on the first landing and quietly observed the man sitting down, looking at Joe with rapt absorption. Hop Sing reached out and gently stroked Joe\u2019s cheek with one finger, smiling as the baby automatically opened his mouth and then let out a sleepy yawn, before opening bleary eyes and staring at up at him.<\/p>\n

Everything was going perfectly: Sunday lunch was nearly ready, the mistress of the house was neat and composed and the youngest inhabitant of the Ponderosa had consumed a bottle of milk in record time. Marie was just congratulating herself when she noticed a look of intense concentration on her son\u2019s face. \u201cOh no! Not now, Joseph \u2013 please!\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe resolutely ignored his mother and his face took on a reddish tinge, while his brow puckered ominously.<\/p>\n

\u201cHI Ma! We\u2019re back!\u201d Hoss ran forward and gave her an eager hug, then drew back. \u201cPooh! Something smells!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHoss!\u201d Marie scolded, trying to hide her chagrin.<\/p>\n

Cousin Clarissa positioned her staunchly behind her ally. \u201cDon\u2019t scold the child for being truthful. Honesty should be praised and rewarded.\u201d Hoss gave her an expectant smile and was duly rewarded with another peppermint.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ll deal with this \u2013 you have a nice chat with Cousin Clarissa.\u201d Ben gave his wife a sweet smile and picked up Joe, being careful to hold him at arm\u2019s length. Seeing the necessary equipment was at hand, he simply plonked his son down on the coffee table and stripped off the offending diaper. Joe grinned beatifically at his father, just as a stream of liquid arched gracefully upwards.<\/p>\n

Cousin Clarissa looked as if she were about to pass out, especially as Ben did not seem at all put out by this occurrence.<\/p>\n

\u201cTrying to soak your Papa, were you?\u201d Ben chuckled, stemming the flow with a cloth and tickling Joe gently on his tummy. With an ease born of long practice, he cleaned the baby and tucked him securely into clean diaper. In the background, he could hear his cousin spluttering like pan of popcorn on the fire.<\/p>\n

\u201cNever in all my born days\u2026! The shame of it\u2026 the indignity.\u201d<\/p>\n

It was very likely that Clarissa could continue in this vein for some considerable time, Ben thought. Getting a little damp seemed a mere nothing in comparison to what Marie was having to endure! Still it was a fair exchange for staying at home this morning \u2013 four hours with Clarissa was enough to test the patience of a saint. \u201cI\u2019ll just go and get changed,\u201d he called over his shoulder, darting upstairs and congratulating himself on another lucky escape.<\/p>\n

At lunch, Adam politely answered all Clarissa\u2019s probing questions about schoolwork, even though this meant that his meal was half-cold before he could even take a mouthful. His knuckles still ached from the rapping Clarissa had inflicted the previous evening when she accused him of speaking with his mouth full. For an old lady, she sure packs a pretty mean wallop<\/em>, he thought resentfully.<\/p>\n

Clarissa was not impressed by the boy\u2019s obvious interest in his lessons nor was she charmed by his serious and mature attitude. \u201cHe\u2019s rather self-absorbed, isn\u2019t he?\u201d she informed Ben. \u201cBut I wouldn\u2019t worry about it too much. You can see he takes after his poor mother, and she never had any staying power, did she?\u201d<\/p>\n

A horrified silence greeted this supremely tactless remark. Taking it as tacit agreement with her outrageous statement, Clarissa contentedly applied herself to her roast chicken. After a cup of coffee, she announced that she would rest in her room and read her bible.<\/p>\n

Adam waited until the door was firmly closed. \u201cOh most pernicious woman!\u201d he quoted softly.<\/p>\n

Ben gave him a wry smile. \u201cQuite right son. Quite right!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cExactly how long is she staying for?\u201d There was a plaintive tone to Marie\u2019s voice, as she joggled Joe up and down, provoking small noises of joy. At least one member of the family was happy!<\/p>\n

\u201cShe didn\u2019t say,\u201d Ben admitted. He looked at Hoss, who was still fiddling with his lunch. \u201cAren\u2019t you hungry?\u201d<\/p>\n

Hoss shook his head slowly and Ben realized that the child had a bilious look about him. \u201cAre you feeling alright?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI think I\u2019m gonna be sick!\u201d Hoss announced and rushed outside, Ben following close at his heels.<\/p>\n

\u201cI do hope he isn\u2019t sickening for anything,\u201d fretted Marie.<\/p>\n

Adam snorted contemptuously. \u201cMore like sick of peppermints, I would say! He\u2019s eaten over half a pound of them since Cousin Clarissa arrived.\u201d He gave a start as Marie thrust Joe into his arms and stomped outside. \u201cWell little brother, it\u2019s just you and me, isn\u2019t it?\u201d Adam ran his finger up the tender sole of Joe\u2019s foot and laughed at the bemused expression on the baby\u2019s face as his foot jerked upwards. Then he looked directly at Adam and gave him a toothless grin.<\/p>\n

\u201cHe smiled at me! His first smile!\u201d Adam told his father proudly. Marie was tending to Hoss and Ben felt in need of another cup of coffee.<\/p>\n

\u201cA word of advice, Adam \u2013 babies always give their first smile to their mothers,\u201d Ben replied. \u201cIt\u2019s a fact. Undisputable. And life will be much more pleasant if you remember that, all right? After all, there\u2019s no sense in upsetting anyone, is there?\u201d He gave the boy a conspiratorial wink.<\/p>\n

\u201cYeah, it was probably just gas!\u201d Adam agreed. He hugged Joe close, treasuring the moment. A thought struck him. \u201cPa\u00a0 – you wouldn\u2019t be too upset if Cousin Clarissa had to leave suddenly would you?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI expect I could live with the disappointment. Why?\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam\u2019s eyes sparkled with mischief. \u201cI might just be able to think of something\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

***<\/p>\n

Recovering from his unpleasant ordeal, Hoss was given a dose of Gregory\u2019s Powder and tucked up in bed, with firm instructions to stay put.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhere is my young friend?\u201d Clarissa asked.<\/p>\n

Ben pulled a solemn face. \u201cIn bed, I\u2019m afraid. He seems to be coming down with something. It could be measles or chickenpox or\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOr yellow fever!\u201d Adam interjected; keen to play his part in this subterfuge.<\/p>\n

Luckily, Clarissa wasn\u2019t listening to him. \u201cChildren! More trouble than they are worth \u2013 that is what I always say! But does anyone listen to me? And I thought Hoss was such a considerate child \u2013 a little lacking in imagination perhaps, but with a good heart. How could he have done this to me?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m dreadfully sorry,\u201d Ben said. \u201cAnd we\u2019ll quite understand if you want to leave tomorrow.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cTomorrow? Are you mad?\u201d Clarissa stamped her foot. \u201cYou will drive me to the International Hotel immediately, Benjamin. I won\u2019t stay another night in this hotbed of infection. And tomorrow I\u2019ll get the first stage out of here!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI quite understand,\u201d Marie said, just managing to disguise her glee. Beside her, Adam looked as if he were about to explode with restrained laughter. \u201cAdam, why don\u2019t you get the buggy ready?\u201d<\/p>\n

Incapable of speech, Adam just nodded and belted outside.<\/p>\n

\u201cThank you so much for visiting,\u201d Ben said politely.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt has been an unforgettable experience,\u201d Marie added, with considerable more honesty than her husband was able to muster.<\/p>\n

Clarissa favored them with a sour smile. \u201cI will return one day. After all, I feel I owe it to my relatives to impart a little of my wisdom and experience. That is what families are all about, is it not?\u201d<\/p>\n

They nodded, being totally incapable of speech. As the buggy disappeared, Marie turned to Adam. \u201cDo you have many more relatives?\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam thought about this. \u201cWell, there\u2019s Uncle John and Cousin Will, and Uncle Matthew, of course. Then there\u2019s Hoss\u2019 Uncle Gunnar and my Grandpa Stoddart and\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cStop!\u201d Marie burst out in laughter and pulled Adam to her in a hug. \u201cI just hope none of them are anything like Cousin Clarissa, that\u2019s all.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam smiled at her. \u201cI think she\u2019s unique, don\u2019t you?<\/p>\n

Marie cradled Joe happily and then looked at her stepson with radiant happiness. \u201cHe smiled! Adam, Joe smiled at me!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, what do you know?\u201d Adam said with a grin.\u00a0 \u201cSo he did. His first smile was just for his Mama.\u201d<\/p>\n

Sometimes, families were worth the trouble, even if you had to tell the occasional white lie, Adam decided.<\/p>\n

~The End<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Next in the Relative Series:<\/strong><\/p>\n

Relatively Festive<\/a>
\nRelatively Peaceful<\/a><\/p>\n

<\/div>\n

<\/g><\/svg><\/i> \"Loading\"<\/p>\n

<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Summary:\u00a0 A comedy of manners. Cousin Clarissa’s visits to the Ponderosa were never without incident…<\/p>\n

Rated: K+ (5,317 words)<\/p>\n

Relative Series, links to stories within the series are included.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":41,"featured_media":376,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"template-full-width-post.php","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[4],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-828","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-humor","wpcat-4-id"],"a3_pvc":{"activated":true,"total_views":1615,"today_views":0},"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/02\/coming-soon-4.jpg?fit=320%2C240&ssl=1","jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":832,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=832","url_meta":{"origin":828,"position":0},"title":"Relatively Peaceful (by Claire)","author":"Claire","date":"June 19, 2004","format":false,"excerpt":"Summary: \u00a0When Cousin Clarissa returns, she encounters an unexpected adversary. 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