Summary: \u00a0Joe reflects on his first solo\u00a0excursion to the Barbary Coast.<\/p>\n
Rating: K \u00a0 Word Count: 1,519<\/p>\n
School of the Dancing Dolphin<\/strong><\/p>\n What, Pa?\u00a0 Oh, yes, sir, I\u2019m listening.\u00a0 It is kind of hard, the way my head is pounding, but\u2014what?\u00a0 Yes, sir, I know that\u2019s my own fault.\u00a0 Oh, yes, sir; it will be a lesson to me.\u00a0 Yes, sir, you can trust me to go straight to bed.\u00a0 Yes, sir, I\u2019ll stay there.\u00a0 No, Pa!\u00a0 Of course, you don\u2019t have to post a guard outside the door.<\/p>\n Whew!\u00a0 I\u2019m glad that\u2019s over.\u00a0 Did he have to slam the door so hard, though?\u00a0 Yeah, maybe he did.\u00a0 Maybe he had to work off some of that steam he had built up, and better he should take it out on wood than on me!\u00a0 I\u2019ve had an earful already, believe you me.\u00a0 If Pa\u2019s just a small picture of divine wrath, I sure don\u2019t want to ever see the real thing!<\/p>\n Why is it forbidden fruit always tastes so much sweeter, huh?\u00a0 Well, it don\u2019t, really; at least, this one didn\u2019t.\u00a0 Left kind of a sour aftertaste, if you know what I mean, but forbidden fruit sure looks like it oughta taste sweeter.\u00a0 And this one looked real good, to start out with.<\/p>\n I had warning, of course.\u00a0 If Pa said it once, he said it a dozen times:\u00a0 stay away from the Barbary Coast.\u00a0 I\u2019d heard they had spicy shows in some of those places, though, and I just wanted a look-see.\u00a0 I mean, how often do we get to San Francisco?\u00a0 Once, maybe twice a year, and then Pa, and more especially Adam, thinks we got to spend it gettin\u2019 cultured.\u00a0 No spice there.\u00a0 What a pure waste of time!<\/p>\n Had to sneak out, of course.\u00a0 I\u2019d kind of hinted to Hoss about gettin\u2019 us a different sort of culture\u2014gave him a saucy little wink, so he\u2019d know what I meant\u2014but even Hoss went all self-righteous on me this trip.\u00a0 Didn\u2019t want to cross Pa and advised me not to, either.\u00a0 I should\u2019ve listened to you, big brother.\u00a0 Really should have.<\/p>\n We were stayin\u2019 at the Orleans.\u00a0 Real nice hotel with good beds.\u00a0 Clean sheets, soft pillows.\u00a0 Didn\u2019t take much acquaintance with them before Hoss was snorin\u2019 up a storm; didn\u2019t even hear me when I left the room I was sharin\u2019 with him.\u00a0 Pa and Adam were at some business supper that was runnin\u2019 real late, so I knew I wouldn\u2019t have a better chance.<\/p>\n Made my way down to the Dancing Dolphin at the corner of Kearney and Pacific.\u00a0 My pal Seth Pruitt had been there on his last trip to San Francisco, and he said the prettiest waiter gals on the whole Barbary Coast were right there in that dancing hall.\u00a0 And let me tell you, he wasn\u2019t wrong about that.\u00a0 They were mighty pretty and they could sure dance, but they had other talents good ole Seth didn\u2019t bother to mention.<\/p>\n The waiter gals weren\u2019t the only fine scenery at the Dancing Dolphin.\u00a0 It\u2019s a high class place, at least in its furnishings.\u00a0 Long bar of genuine carved mahogany ran the length of the room on one side, and no bad paintings of fat, naked ladies over it, either, like you see in Virginia City.\u00a0 No, sir, this real ornate gold-framed mirror, almost as long as the bar, hung over it.\u00a0 Showed off the real scenery of the place, namely those pretty waiter gals, and I was just standin\u2019 at the bar, enjoyin\u2019 that scenery, \u2018til the barkeep came and stood right in front of me and cleared his throat in that real loud, meaningful way they have.<\/p>\n Now, I couldn\u2019t just order plain old beer in a place that fancy, could I?\u00a0 Would have just seemed cheap, so I figured it was high time I sampled one of Pa\u2019s favorite drinks, a brandy squash.\u00a0 Pa can keep it.\u00a0 Maybe it wasn\u2019t made right, but this one burned all the way down my throat.\u00a0 One was enough for me\u2014or would have been if this cute little waiter gal hadn\u2019t sashayed up to me just as I was finishing it and asked how my drink was.<\/p>\n Well now, you know I wasn\u2019t gonna let her think I was some green kid who couldn\u2019t handle hard liquor, so, of course, I told her it was prime, and I ordered another one\u2014well, two, \u2018cause she wanted one, too, and I had to be a gentleman, didn\u2019t I?\u00a0 Don\u2019t see how even Pa could argue with that.\u00a0 I think, maybe, he did, though.\u00a0 Kind of hard to remember everything Pa said tonight, with my head throbbin\u2019 the way it started after my second\u2014or was it the third?\u2014brandy squash.\u00a0 It was hard to keep track, with that waiter gal\u2019s pretty legs distractin\u2019 me.\u00a0 She wore her skirts real short and swishy, so a fellow could see \u2018most up to her hips, and she had on these striped stockings that just naturally caught the eye and made it go round and round, all the way up her leg.<\/p>\n She asked me to dance with her, and I wasn\u2019t about to turn down that offer.\u00a0 The musicians playin\u2019 on the platform at the end of the room weren\u2019t too good\u2014Adam would probably say they were terrible\u2014but the longer we danced and the more brandy squash I had in me, the better they sounded.\u00a0 Didn\u2019t matter, anyway, \u2018cause I wasn\u2019t there for culture.\u00a0 I\u2019d had plenty of that the night before at the opera, and frankly, the guys at the Dancing Dolphin sounded better than that caterwauling, no matter what Adam thinks!<\/p>\n Sometime while we were dancing, that sweet-talkin\u2019 little gal must have lifted my wallet.\u00a0 Leastwise, I don\u2019t have it anymore, and I can\u2019t think where else I might have lost it.\u00a0 I had it when I paid for the last round of drinks, I know that.\u00a0 We danced a little more after we finished them, and then she said it was eleven o\u2019clock now and time for her to get off work, and she asked me to walk her home.\u00a0 No lady should have to walk the streets of San Francisco alone, right?\u00a0 Okay, I can kind of remember my brother Adam saying that was no lady and that I was the one who shouldn\u2019t have been walkin\u2019 the streets of San Francisco alone.\u00a0 That Adam can be real comical sometimes.\u00a0 Maybe he ought to take to the stage of one of these melodeons on the Barbary Coast.\u00a0 A rotten tomato or two in the face might learn him what\u2019s funny and what ain\u2019t, give him a more useful education than he got back East.<\/p>\n Got to admit, though, I was the one that got educated tonight.\u00a0 That pretty little waiter gal sure wasn\u2019t as sweet and innocent as she looked.\u00a0 I was walkin\u2019 her home and bein\u2019 a perfect gentleman about it\u2014except for stealin\u2019 a kiss or two, which she didn\u2019t seem to mind\u2014when all of a sudden she shoved me real hard with her shoulder and I stumbled into this dark alley we was passin\u2019.\u00a0 She took off.\u00a0 Reason was, she\u2019d done her job: she\u2019d got me liquored up, so\u2019s I could hardly see straight, she\u2019d stole all my money and then she\u2019d dumped me right where three thugs were waitin\u2019 for some unsuspectin\u2019 idiot.\u00a0 (That\u2019s Pa\u2019s word, and right now I can\u2019t put up much argument against it.\u00a0 That\u2019s pretty smart of me, don\u2019t you think?\u00a0 Yeah, keepin\u2019 my mouth shut seems like a real good idea, right about now.)<\/p>\n Guess I\u2019m lucky that Hoss woke up when he did, noticed I was gone and rousted Pa and Adam out of bed to come look for me.\u00a0 He had a pretty good idea which direction I\u2019d gone, but them seein\u2019 me get shoved into that alley was another stroke of pure luck\u2014or a case of my guardian angel workin\u2019 overtime, like Adam said, gettin\u2019 comical again.\u00a0 Big brother sure thinks he\u2019s funny, but no one laughed at his little joke, especially not Pa.\u00a0 He said I was lucky I didn\u2019t end up shanghaied, and I guess he\u2019s right, \u2018cause that\u2019s probably what those thugs had in mind. \u00a0I sure didn\u2019t have any money left to tempt them!<\/p>\n Hoss says I\u2019m one lucky little cuss, too, so that makes it unanimous.\u00a0 I played the proper fool tonight, and I am lucky to get away with nothing worse than a bunch of bruises and a bump on the noggin.\u00a0 Probably even lucky I had those or Pa might have given me a few himself, on the seat of learning, so to speak.\u00a0 I did learn my lesson tonight, though, that\u2019s for sure.\u00a0 No more Barbary Coast for me\u2014this visit or ever . . . except I hear the shows down to the Bella Union are even better than the ones at the Dancing Dolphin, and the girls there will perch right in your lap.\u00a0\u00a0 Better not think about that right now, though.\u00a0 My head\u2019s hurtin\u2019 pretty bad, so maybe it\u2019s time I got to sleep . . . and as older brother might say, perchance to dream.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n The End<\/p>\n April, 2006<\/p>\n