{"id":9630,"date":"2014-09-01T07:50:24","date_gmt":"2014-09-01T11:50:24","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=9630"},"modified":"2025-08-01T13:29:15","modified_gmt":"2025-08-01T17:29:15","slug":"it-almost-seems-like-yesterday","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=9630","title":{"rendered":"It Almost Seems Like Yesterday (by BluewindFarm)"},"content":{"rendered":"

Summary<\/strong>:\u00a0 Twenty years etched into the memory of a man who stands at the crossroads of his life.\u00a0\u00a0 My submission for the 2014 Camp in the Pines.<\/span><\/p>\n

Rating:\u00a0 K (10,815 words)<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

It Almost Seems Like Yesterday<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

It\u2019s been almost twenty years since I\u2019ve felt this nervous\u2026 The last time I stood with all my worldly possessions at my feet I was prepared to leave for college. Excitement and trepidation consumed me as I thought about leaving my father and my brothers to travel to the other side of the country to study engineering and to meet my grandfather. My mind had always been eager to learn. I remember offering my own advice and asking questions as the layout of our house was crudely drawn out on paper, and then watching Pa and our workers build it. I wanted to know what made the structure function and not fall down like a miss-matched stack of kindling.\u00a0 My desire to understand the construction of our home was only the beginning.<\/span><\/p>\n

*****<\/span><\/p>\n

As we wait for the stage, all my memories from those days still gather around me. Joe was almost six and Hoss had turned twelve earlier in the spring. It hadn\u2019t been that long since Marie\u2019s tragic death and Pa felt that he\u2019d asked enough of me, even though he hadn\u2019t actually asked.<\/span><\/p>\n

During the time he was missing\u2026 I guess I shouldn\u2019t get too far ahead of myself, see Pa left home, my brothers, and me, for several months after Marie died. And\u2026 I stepped into the role of being a father to take care of Hoss and Joe, to try to put some stability back into their young lives; to let them know they were still loved. I also assumed the running of the Ponderosa. Our ranch foreman was instrumental in seeing that I understood the big picture\u2026 the men, the cattle, the horses, and our fledgling lumber operations. Long after my brothers retired for the night, the two of us would discuss what needed to happen, how and when.<\/span><\/p>\n

*****<\/span><\/p>\n

After Pa\u2019s return, I stepped back to stand by his side as we tried to put our lives, and our shattered family, back together.<\/span><\/p>\n

I remember the first night Pa came home, dinner was a quiet affair. Unsure eyes flitted back and forth among the three of us; Joe and Hoss never really looked at Pa. I had the feeling that it was almost as if they didn\u2019t believe he was there; expecting him to disappear and vanish like the morning mountain mist.<\/span><\/p>\n

Later that evening, as had become habit, I informed Joe and Hoss it was time for them to head on up to bed; telling them I\u2019d be up later to tuck them under their covers. Both immediately followed my instructions, came to hug me and bid me goodnight. I remembered my place when I heard Pa\u2019s voice say, \u201cGood night, boys\u2026 Sweet dreams.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cUh, night\u2026 Pa,\u201d Hoss answered as he looked to where Pa sat; the chair that had remained empty of our father for so long, but now\u2026<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe hugged me a little tighter and I felt his uncertainty as he involuntarily trembled. I hugged him securely, knowing that today had been difficult for him.<\/span><\/p>\n

Our had Pa returned right when Joe and Hoss were in a wrestling match with me, and I was letting both my brothers get the upper hand. But Pa didn\u2019t know, and chose that moment to yell at Joe as he jumped on my back and wrapped his arms around my neck and yelled, \u201cYa can\u2019t make me!\u201d The three of us were having a good time together, almost as it had been before Pa had left. But Pa\u2019s stern, \u201cJOSEPH!\u201d sobered us and Joe lost hold from around me and fell to the ground as I stood up. It had been a shock and a surprise to see Pa sitting there on his horse. I guess none of us handled the situation all too well. Eventually, our manners returned and I welcomed Pa home as I shook his hand. Hoss and Joe warily approached and gave Pa the briefest of hugs.<\/span><\/p>\n

As we entered our home I had hoped there would be an explanation for his departure, an offering of an apology for leaving us, or something\u2026 All he had to say was that he had missed us and it was good to be home. Soon afterwards, Hop Sing announced supper.<\/span><\/p>\n

But that was earlier. For now, I smiled and nodded while giving my littlest brother a nudge and whispered into his ear, \u201cGo give Pa a hug. It looks like he needs one from you.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Hoss gathered Joe\u2019s hand and together, both headed to where our father sat. Timid was never a word I would use to describe my youngest brother, but that night, it was the only word I could think of to use. With his head down and the little puffing sound he made as he shuffled his feet across the rug; a little church mouse facing a mountain lion was the image that came to mind.<\/span><\/p>\n

I didn\u2019t hear what Pa said to Hoss, but I saw the result. A large smile spread across the boy\u2019s face as he threw his arms around Pa\u2019s neck. He\u2019d sat forward to the edge of his chair and held out his own arms to receive his middle son. When Hoss stepped back and turned to Joe, I could see tears welling in my middle brother\u2019s eyes. He\u2019d accepted Pa was home\u2026 a hug can heal wonders.<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe tentatively stepped forward, or was slightly propelled by our brother.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cGood night, Joe,\u201d Pa quietly spoke to his youngest. Still sitting on the edge of his chair, only this time his hands were clasped between his knees, his shoulders indicated his own uncertainty.<\/span><\/p>\n

Hoss leaned forward and whispered something into Joe\u2019s ear\u2026<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWelcome home\u2026 Pa,\u201d Joe quietly replied, his eyes still cast downward.<\/span><\/p>\n

Pa reached forward with his right hand, palm upturned, but stopped not quite to Joe\u2019s chin.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI love you Joseph.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe eyes focused on Pa\u2019s hand. At first I wasn\u2019t sure I saw it, but then Joe\u2019s hands were moving. Pa waited with baited breath to see if his youngest would accept him. Joe turned Pa\u2019s hand over, his fingers barely touching the blood vessels and bones as he explored. Moments later, Joe had their hands palm to palm; his own tiny hand was dwarfed by Pa\u2019s. Next, Joe positioned Pa\u2019s hand so it was palm up again and he traced the outline of Pa\u2019s fingers. My little brother looked up, slowly.<\/span><\/p>\n

I saw hope and grief painted across my father\u2019s face. Hope that Joe would forgive him for leaving, grief because he had abandoned the child produced through the love he’d shared with Marie.<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe stepped closer and reached forward, moments later Joe pulled himself into Pa\u2019s lap; his head rested on our father\u2019s chest, hands wrapped in Pa\u2019s vest.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cPapa,\u201d Joe quietly cried as tears fell from his eyes. \u201cYou\u2019re really here.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m home, Joseph.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Loving arms enveloped my youngest brother as Pa rested his cheek to the top of Little Joe\u2019s head after he had planted a kiss there.<\/span><\/p>\n

I felt a slight amount of jealousy towards my brother right then and there; I wished I could be the one wrapped in Pa\u2019s arms, sitting on his lap; allowing tears to wash away all the hurt. I had been there, years ago, but not now. Probably never again.<\/span><\/p>\n

Pa knew that it was late, and encouraged Hoss and Joe to go on up to bed. It surprised me when the boys headed up the stairs that Pa didn\u2019t readily follow as he always had in the past; a past that had Marie at his side.<\/span><\/p>\n

Sitting in the settee and staring into the fire, I heard the long clock by the front door strike the hour and figured I\u2019d given Hoss and Joe time enough together to talk before I headed up. In the past I had enjoyed my brothers joining me in my room as they waited for Pa and Marie, we\u2019d chat about anything and everything, but since I became the father figure\u2026 I was on the outside looking in.<\/span><\/p>\n

As I walked up the staircase, I paused on the mid-landing\u2026 On top of my earlier jealousy, now I felt guilty for wishing Pa wasn\u2019t home. Was it wrong of me to wish for one more night of just the three of us? Where the three of us were at ease with each other; and not this strained atmosphere that surrounded our family\u2026 Maybe I wanted one more night where I could just be their brother\u2026 like before? But now that Pa was home, I wondered if I would ever be accepted completely back to share in their brotherly bonds. Why hadn\u2019t he wired to say he was coming home?<\/span><\/p>\n

*****<\/span><\/p>\n

With Joe and Hoss tucked in for the night, I returned to the great room and it honestly didn\u2019t surprise me to find Pa at his desk in the study area. The ledger I had tried so diligently to keep up to date was open and Pa was perusing it. I felt irritated\u2026 he couldn\u2019t wait until tomorrow? Didn\u2019t he realize how emotionally draining tonight had been? I didn\u2019t have the energy to expend any more time on those blasted books or talk about the brainless cattle that couldn\u2019t help but get bogged down or caught in brambles or explain how I had to deal with the indolent ranch hands who objected to taking orders from someone my age. I didn\u2019t want to discuss how for two months I\u2019d handled it all \u2013 and taken care of my brothers!<\/span><\/p>\n

\u2018What about me?!<\/em>\u2019 I wanted to scream.<\/span><\/p>\n

Pa closed the ledger and stood up. As he looked at me, I recognized the grief that momentarily flickered across his face.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYou did a good job son. I\u2019m proud of you. Thank you.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Pa walked over to me and rested a hand on my shoulder and gave me an encouraging squeeze. Before he headed up the stairs, leaving me standing alone in the great room, he said, \u201cI\u2019m so sorry, son.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

I heard the hitch in his voice as I wondered, \u2018What was that about?\u2019<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

*****<\/span><\/p>\n

Pa had been home for almost as long as he\u2019d been gone when he asked me to join him outside one night. Hoss and Joe looked down from the mid-landing\u2026 Pa pointed them on up to bed. As dutiful sons, they obeyed and I followed Pa.<\/span><\/p>\n

With his pipe in hand, Pa sat down in the rocker placed outside the doorway, he motioned for me to have a seat in the other chair. He inhaled deeply and exhaled\u2026 The fragrant smoke wafted on the breeze that blew my direction; it revived memories I\u2019d struggled to tamp down, just like pa does the tobacco in his pipe.<\/span><\/p>\n

We sat in silence, listening to the sounds of the surrounding woods settle for the night. There was something soothing as the crickets chirped their own melody. An owl called to a mate while the wolves howled as they caught scent of their prey and orchestrated their attack. Our horses shuffled and snorted occasionally within the coral. A few clouds drifted across the sky, veiling the stars and the moon before allowing them to shine again. I took all of this in while waiting for Pa to speak first; after all he was the one who invited me to join him.<\/span><\/p>\n

Pa canted his head slightly to the side, as if listening to someone whisper, before he stated, \u201cFor the longest time it was just the two of us\u2026 son.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYes, sir.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cDo you miss those days?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

I looked to my father, curious why he was asking. It had been a long time since it had just been the two of us. Longer yet, than it had been when it was just the two of us.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI love my brothers\u2026\u201d I answered, not knowing what else to say.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI know you do. You did a wonderful job watching over them while I was\u2026 away. But that doesn\u2019t answer my question.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cThe days of just the two of us are long past\u2026 I grew up.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYes, you did\u2026 Adam, I\u2019ve been remiss in my duties as your father.\u201d Pa continued on with very little pause. \u201cPlease, hear me out. I left here, four months ago blind in grief\u2026 I abandoned my home and my sons… my three little boys, even though you\u2019ve not been so little for quite a while. My first night home, I realized what I had done to you.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

As I watched Pa, I sensed that he was looking beyond the confusion on the face of his eldest son.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cMy dream drove me west, and I brought you along with me. You had no say in the matter. You came with me because you were my son. And\u2026 you grew up much too quickly as we traveled; I feel you didn\u2019t get to enjoy your childhood. And when I\u2026 left\u2026 I forced you to grow up again\u2026 to become a father figure to Hoss and Joe, and to step into my shoes to run the Ponderosa. Again, you had no say in the matter, but you did it\u2026 because you\u2019re my son. It staggered me, that night\u2026 I\u2019d come home to see everything in its place and every place as it should have been. Everything except you\u2026 I finally saw you as a young man instead of my little boy. And I wondered where all that time went. For that, I beg your forgiveness.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI did what I had to do. I took care of my brothers because there was no way that I couldn\u2019t not look out for them. As for the Ponderosa\u2026 she\u2019s your dream\u2026 I didn\u2019t want to see her die.\u201d I looked at Pa, hoping I\u2019d answered his questions, but still the look on his face. \u201cPa, it was inevitable that I would grow up\u2026 As I did what was necessary, so did you. There\u2019s nothing to forgive you for. \u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYes, yes there is. You did more than should have\u2026 more than should have been asked of you.\u201d Pa held up his hand as I attempted to speak. \u201cI know, I didn\u2019t ask. Before Marie\u2019s death, we were excited about your plans. And through my leaving I forced you to give up on your own dream and I aim to see that corrected. I know we should have spoken that first night, but I could see how draining everything had been. And I didn\u2019t know how to apologize\u2026 I hope this can begin to set things right between us.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Pa handed me an envelope he pulled out from his inner vest pocket. Everything that had been said before was only a preamble. This was the reason for Pa inviting me to come outside with him. By the lantern hanging over the entryway, I noted the return address. Carefully, I opened the envelope and pulled out a sheet of paper. It was a Letter of Admission into one of the more prestigious colleges back east, the one I\u2019d had my heart set on attending, before Marie died.<\/span><\/p>\n

I stood from my chair and walked across the yard. I didn\u2019t want Pa to see, yet I knew he knew. How could he not, he was my father. Resting my arms on the top rail of the corral and one foot on the bottom, I allowed my tears to fall. Here in my hands I held the proof that my dream was still alive.<\/span><\/p>\n

From behind, Pa\u2019s comforting hands rested on my shoulders where he firmly squeezed. \u201cI\u2019m sorry I couldn\u2019t tell you sooner what I was doing, I didn\u2019t know if the Dean would accept my explanation of events. You\u2019ll be allowed a late admission, and I\u2019ve hired a tutor to travel with you to make sure you\u2019re ready to face college on your own. The man wants to return to Boston, to his family. He\u2019s even indicated that he\u2019s willing to continue to tutor you as long as necessary.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cAre you sure? I mean\u2026\u201d I turned and looked around the yard, looking beyond the buildings, seeing everything that was our home.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cAdam, if my eighteen year old son can manage the Ponderosa and his brothers\u2026\u201d He looked at me in that fatherly way he has. \u201cI love you as much as I love your brothers, maybe a little bit more. You\u2019ve been right here by my side and done without so many times\u2026 You stepped into filling my shoes when you weren\u2019t ready too, but you did it. I can\u2019t ask any more of you. You deserve a chance to strike out on your own, to experience your own dream. If this is what you really want.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI want to learn, Pa. I want to build and understand how to do it properly.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cThen you\u2019ll go\u2026 with my blessing, and my love.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

I tried to stop my tears, to be a man. Pa pulled me away from the fence, his hand cupped the back of my head and he moved me to his shoulder. Those arms that I wished for two months ago felt as good as I imagined they would, as they held me tight. All my hurt and some of my grief washed away with my tears.<\/span><\/p>\n

Softly Pa spoke, \u201cI can never give you back your childhood, but I can see that your future becomes all you want it to be.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Before we retired for the night, Pa informed me he was going to give me a few days off to do with as I pleased.<\/span><\/p>\n

*****<\/span><\/p>\n

The next morning, as I saddled up Beauty and tied down my bedroll, Pa came up behind me.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cThis isn\u2019t going to be easy on your brothers, but you need to express your grief over Marie and have some time strictly for yourself.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ll be back tomorrow night. And thanks, Pa.\u201d I answered as I climbed into the saddle. Looking over, I saw my brothers one on either side of Hop Sing. \u201cI\u2019ll see you two tomorrow night! Don\u2019t give Hop Sing any grief!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

I rode out of the yard feeling lighter than I had in a long time.<\/span><\/p>\n

*****<\/span><\/p>\n

A few weeks later, we waited outside the trading post, for that was all it was back then\u2026 It wasn\u2019t even Virginia City, it was known as Eagle Station. There was no official depot; no set time\u2026 just an approximate of what part of the day the stage might arrive to transport me to Sacramento, and my tutor. The plan was for us to travel to San Francisco, where we would take a clipper ship south to the Isthmus of Panama. From there, travel progressed via stage coach to the Atlantic, and then a paddle wheeler north to Boston, and my grandfather. It wasn\u2019t safe to travel via overland stage across the western frontiers; there was trouble brewing between various Indian nations and the white man. The United States Army had declared they couldn\u2019t protect all travelers. Pa didn\u2019t want to unnecessarily risk my life or that of my tutor, and so we set to sea.<\/span><\/p>\n

As if it were yesterday I remember Joe pleading for me not to leave him; he wasn\u2019t old enough to understand the difference between his momma leaving and my leaving. Strange, he wasn\u2019t this upset when I left for a couple of days. I told him I\u2019d be back once I graduated, which only made him cry harder, as he struggled to tell me, \u201cMomma said she\u2019d be back, too.\u201d Now I understood. Two weeks ago I told him exactly when I would be back; two days and one night wasn\u2019t that long. But now\u2026 years were a lifetime to a child his age.<\/span><\/p>\n

The only way I could think to counter Joe\u2019s fears was to remind him that Pa had gone away and come back, but then that would open up a whole other can of worms. I couldn\u2019t leave him wanting to know if Pa came home, why couldn\u2019t his Momma. Instead, I just hugged him fiercely and told him I\u2019d be back, I promised.<\/span><\/p>\n

Pa knew I needed some time alone with Hoss and so he took Joe from my arms and walked back to the wagon horses. I hadn\u2019t expected Hoss to look as happy as he did. I didn\u2019t want to ask him about it, but I guess he saw my expression. Sometimes he just knows what a person is thinking. My middle brother told me he was looking on my leaving as being something of an adventure. Here I was the one going away to travel on oceans and land I\u2019d only read about in books, and he was eager about it. Not about my departure, but the fact that he\u2019d finally get to be Joe\u2019s big brother.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cAh shucks Adam, I know I\u2019m his big brother, but it\u2019s different with you here. You\u2019re the real big brother. But with you gone off ta college, I get to be Joe\u2019s \u2018BIG\u2019 brother.\u201d Hoss\u2019 eyes grew wide, as big as his smile while stretching his arms out from side to side.<\/span><\/p>\n

Semantics\u2026 but I understood.<\/span><\/p>\n

*****<\/span><\/p>\n

I watched them quickly shrink in size as the stage took me away from my home. Hoss was enthusiastically waving his arm over his head while Pa held and tried to sooth a tearful Little Joe in his arms.<\/span><\/p>\n

B ~ O ~ N ~ A ~ N ~ Z ~ A<\/span><\/p>\n

I returned home five years later to find almost everything had changed. The trading post had grown into a small town called Virginia City that was ever expanding. Soldiers, traders, trappers, cowboys, mountain men, and a myriad of other people who populated the frontier came west in droves.<\/span><\/p>\n

As I stepped from the stage, Pa almost looked the same, a little bit grayer around the temples and peppered throughout his head of hair, but his eyes and words were so filled with emotions. He could tell that during my time away I had matured; I hadn\u2019t been his little boy in a long time and I guess his expression reflected that loss. But his son was home, and that made up for all the heartache.<\/span><\/p>\n

What surprised me the most on my return was the fact that the two little boys I had left behind were not quite so little anymore. Imagine my astonishment when I realized I had to look up to look Hoss in his ambient blue eyes. And, as I remembered, he heartily welcomed me home; lifting me clean off my feet as he swung me around. He expressed how excited he was to hear of my adventures and all I had seen while on the other side of the country. He couldn\u2019t wait to show me all the new horses and critters that were now on the Ponderosa. He was the same as I remembered; only there was more of him.<\/span><\/p>\n

And Joe\u2026 The little boy who had been so dependent on me was soon to be eleven, and very much his own person. It hurt when he only held out his hand in greeting, I had imagined Little Joe jumping into my arms, wrapping his arms and legs around me has he had done whenever I\u2019d return home from working our land during those months after his mother\u2019s death. My little brother\u2019s green eyes hid a wide range of emotions; wariness, uncertainty, bravado, mischievousness. Oh yes, I saw it all.<\/span><\/p>\n

But as I told Pa several years ago, \u2018I grew up\u2019 and I guess Joe did too.<\/span><\/p>\n

*****<\/span><\/p>\n

As we traveled out of town, Joe pointed out various establishments that were keen on his list of places to visit, the general store because of the candy, the livery stable because of the horses, and the blacksmith shop for the same reason.<\/span><\/p>\n

I can\u2019t believe how much candy a dime would buy back then\u2026<\/span><\/p>\n

At seventeen, Hoss whispered and pointed out a few places he warned me to stay away from. He told me of how Ross Marquette had gotten into trouble after having his father find him in a rather precarious position in one of the buildings. From the way the women standing on the second floor balcony were dressed, I knew exactly what happened. Pa pushed the team of horses a little faster past these structures, all the while encouraging Little Joe to find a certain piece of candy from within his paper sack.<\/span><\/p>\n

*****<\/span><\/p>\n

Time changes everything; it\u2019s a matter of fact with nature. Trees grow or die or are cut down or lost to wild fires. A mighty river cuts a new course during a flash flood or over the millennia it wears down a boulder in the middle of its route. A new stallion takes over a herd of horses. Life and death, it is the cycle of nature.<\/span><\/p>\n

But in human nature; one step forward, two steps backwards is seems. There were still the ranch hands who objected to taking my orders. Not so much that I was too young, but they felt I was too dandified, too educated, or too stuck up as I\u2019d overheard Joe repeat one night. I think I learned to like it better when my little brother called me a \u2018Yankee granite head\u2019. He could be mad as a hornet, but he always said it with an inkling of love. It was just something between us.<\/span><\/p>\n

As I reintegrated myself into the running of the Ponderosa, I stood my ground and I was knocked off my feet on a few occasions, but more often than not, the name Cartwright prevailed. The hands realized I was my father\u2019s son and I earned their respect. My ideas were drawn to paper and once I\u2019d convinced Pa of their purpose and benefit, they were constructed. The Ponderosa continued to grow and expand, becoming an empire encompassing, cattle, horses, lumber, mineral ore, and my brothers. Pa had written of all the expansions and acquisitions within his letters, but to actually see them\u2026<\/span><\/p>\n

Hoss had away with animals and the men; that had been evident even before I\u2019d left. Getting over the changes in Joe took the most to get used to. He had a way with horses that scared me, and I saw the same fear reflected in Pa\u2019s eyes. It was scary to imagine Joe instead of Marie riding the horse that tripped and stumbled.<\/span><\/p>\n

In fact, we didn\u2019t have to imagine it\u2026 Pa saw it happen a few years back.<\/span><\/p>\n

As my brothers grew and their abilities blossomed, they took on their fair share of work, but I do declare that I never thought that Joe would ever live long enough to grow up. The pranks he contrived as an adolescent only became more complicated as he matured. I have no idea how he managed to survive neither his childhood nor his teen years.<\/span><\/p>\n

B ~ O ~ N ~ A ~ N ~ Z ~ A<\/span><\/p>\n

As Joe became a man, there came fist fights in the various bars or out on the range, for the same reasons as I had fought in order to prove myself. He lived his life fast and furious; it was his way of showing everyone that he was just as worthy of the name Cartwright. We never had to worry about Hoss and fistfights, he knew his size and so did the other men.<\/span><\/p>\n

I guess at times Joe felt we took him for granted, to be our \u2018errand boy\u2019. Hoss and I came home to learn he was out to show us, and the world, that he was more than just the little brother, that he could handle a serious job. He\u2019d had enough of how we treated him and informed Pa he was going to take the job as temporary sheriff over in Rubicon; which only sent us to laughing again. Yeah, we\u2019d get stuck doing his chores, but we thought it funny that he still needed us to help take care of him and here he thought he could take care of a town. Who wouldn\u2019t set to laughing at the image of Joe Cartwright being a sheriff, temporary as it was.<\/span><\/p>\n

It was funny, until several days later when a young woman, Sylvia Ann Goshen, showed up in the middle of the night saying that Joe was going to be killed. It had all been a set up by the town\u2019s cowardly mayor, her father. I remembered our ride, fearing that the way I had treated my little brother had drove him from home, and ultimately to his death.\u00a0 I should have known better, when we arrived in Rubicon, this was Joe we\u2019re talking about. Turns out he found out about the setup. Had it been me, I\u2019d probably have left them to fend for themselves. That\u2019s not right, I wouldn\u2019t have been suckered into the situation in the first place. But as I said, this was Joe… The way he saw it he had a job to do and he did it.<\/span><\/p>\n

Another time, Joe spent the night orchestrating a bid on a lumber contract with Sun Mountain; a contract Pa was eager to steal away and shove down Will Poavey\u2019s throat. Pa and I had spent the evening before trying to discuss the figures that would win us the contract\u2026 a bid that I ultimately agreed with Pa to forget about. We understood the economics\u2026 financially we couldn\u2019t meet the specifications and be profitable. The distance to travel and the teams of horses and drivers required were cost prohibitive. I didn\u2019t see it. But he did, Joe had the vision and jumped in feet first. His idea was to build a flume to deliver the timber down to the river, knocking off countless days and miles of hauling the felled trees across land. There were plenty of lumberjacks who were just as good on the water as on the land.<\/span><\/p>\n

My little brother became the bull of the woods; that is until one of his \u2018buddies\u2019 realized that Joe was a Cartwright. Oh, he knew my little brother\u2019s last name, but he\u2019d never seen Joe be that responsible before. Pa told us how Joe came home, like a dog with his tail tucked between his legs and received the same lecture Hoss and I had received years ago \u2013 united we stand, divided we fail. It seems my little brother forgot that even after \u2018on my own\u2019 is declared that the Cartwrights stick together and help when it seems the darkest. The three of us stood by our youngest member and took directions from him, but he also was smart enough to listen to our suggestions.<\/span><\/p>\n

Over the years there were so many times I just wanted to give up on him, declaring he\u2019d never grow up, life was a game to him as was evidence by his playing with the epee left to him by his mother. But then he\u2019d go and prove me wrong, again. He stood up against our friends and neighbors when the posse turned vengeful and was ready to hang a man who had murdered Vannie Johnson. The only problem\u2026 Joe and I stood between them. The man was guilty, he\u2019d admitted it, but the sentence had to be handed down and carried out by the law. We swore to get the man back to town in order to stand trial. With me knocked out, Joe held off the posse, our friends, at gunpoint. My little brother\u2026 Yes he questioned me on why go through the bother since the man had confessed, but Joe finally understood that this was the way it had to be\u2026 The way civilized people carried out the law.<\/span><\/p>\n

Then there was the time we were framed and bound to be hung\u2026 actually, Pa and I were twice in that predicament. The first time, Joe had Hoss at his side when Pa and I had been charged with murder and convicted, right here in Virginia City. Regardless of all their efforts, our friends returned to their darkened homes and waited. Thankfully, a stranger came to town and was able to convince the key witness to admit the truth of what she\u2019d seen, not what she believed had happened. I know they promised Pa, but I know my brothers. I\u2019m sure Hoss and Joe were ready to break us out of jail\u2026 to shoot anyone who stood in the way of their effort to rescue us. But it never came to that.<\/span><\/p>\n

The second time we faced the gallows\u2026 again the charge was murder but committed while robbing the bank in Alkali. Funny how we could have arrived so late at night and by morning have ascertained how much money was in the bank and killed one of the tellers. It was our unfortunate luck that the money we\u2019d received from the sale of our herd of cattle was used as evidence against the four of us. Ten thousand dollars was missing from the bank and my saddlebags contained ten thousand dollars. We were tried and convicted in a mockery of a court, but Joe managed to escape as Pa, Hoss, and I argued the verdict and the sentence.<\/span><\/p>\n

Knowing our lives were held in the balance, Joe went for help with a posse fast on his tail. We worried and fretted that he\u2019d be caught. My little brother knew what he had to do, all the while staying within the confines of the law. Joe did it, just barely, but he proved the sheriff and his two deputies were the real culprits.<\/span><\/p>\n

As we rode home from Alkali, all four of us, we thought on our youngest\u2026 We\u2019d had plenty of time to talk while waiting in jail, hoping that Joe could evade the posse and would stay away. We were angry for the treatment we received from this town, and had no other recourse other than to accept our fate since we were strangers. Our one bright thought during our incarceration was if Joe just stayed away, he\u2019d be safe. But this was Joe<\/span><\/p>\n

We took the time to enjoy our freedom. Yet, Pa was still worried, his baby appeared to be a bundle of energy riding out in front of us and then returning before setting off again.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cHe\u2019s scared,\u201d I remembered telling my family after Pa shook his head as he watched Joe\u2019s latest departure.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cShortshanks scared? Nah,\u201d Hoss blew me off as he watched Joe run Cochise over the next rise.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cHe is,\u201d Pa replied. \u201cHe\u2019s not ready to be on his own. He still needs us.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Hoss and I looked to our father and waited for his explanation to continue.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cThis was the first time he\u2019s faced the possibility that he would be alone\u2026 Sure, there\u2019ve been times in the past when he\u2019s had to face the possibility that one of us might not return home, but he\u2019s never faced all of our deaths.\u201d We rode in silence as we thought about Joe and his past. \u201cHow long has it been since he bolted from that \u2018court\u2019?\u201d Pa\u2019s words dripped with derision. \u201cThirty-six, forty hours?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cSomewhere between,\u201d Hoss answered.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cAnd who all rode into Alkali to help back him up?\u201d Pa asked.<\/span><\/p>\n

I envisioned all the ranchers and the hands, our friends, who rode with Joe to surround the town. It wasn\u2019t just our men; there were ranchers from miles around; and not just along a straight line between there and home.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cHe was desperate to save us. How much sleep has he had while we cat-napped and slept in that jail? He\u2019s ridden how many hours, non-stop, to get back home, to get our men and our friends. And he made it back before they hung us,\u201d Pa finished.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cBut Pa, Cochise is still fresh\u2026\u201d Hoss countered.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cHe\u2019d never put that horse at risk, he probably borrowed a horse at the first ranch house he came to and then picked him back up once everyone was together,\u201d Pa suggested.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cHe\u2019s riding on raw nerves,\u201d I answered.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cFear drove him, and still has a grip on him\u2026\u201d Pa corrected.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cHe\u2019s gotta be exhausted,\u201d Hoss mustered.<\/span><\/p>\n

We kicked our horses forward, enough of this leisurely ride; we needed to get Joe home. We needed to put Alkali behind us.<\/span><\/p>\n

B ~ O ~ N ~ A ~ N ~ Z ~ A<\/span><\/p>\n

Could our little brother have done any of this without me? I\u2019d like to think not; I\u2019d like to believe that I was a huge part of shaping the man he\u2019s grown to be.<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe did make us proud, but then there was Red Twilight. I don\u2019t know where or how I summoned the strength to follow Joe out into the barn. The bullet crease across my temple throbbed in rhythm with my pulse. I wanted so much to collapse, to leave it all to someone else. But I had promised Hoss\u2026 I promised Hoss that I wouldn\u2019t allow Joe to do anything stupid. The words muddled in my mind as I tried to calm my hot tempered bother, but everything I said only drove him further into his rage. Drove him further because I found out the truth, the whole time he rode with me to find Twilight, he was planning on killing the man. Finally, while Joe held a gun to the man\u2019s head, I told him to do it. Go ahead and kill the man. Satisfy his revenge. Fall to the same level of the man he was going to kill and I hoped he enjoyed it. I was desperate. I couldn\u2019t stand there and watch my little brother destroy his life for a man like Twilight. I also couldn\u2019t face the possibility of losing both my brothers; Joe to a hanging, even if the man was a murderer, he was unarmed. And Hoss still wasn\u2019t out of the woods yet, according to Doctor Martin. I saw the anger leave my brother\u2019s body as light returned to his eyes. And then Hoss called to our brother. He stood right there in the open doorway of the barn and admitted he was going to be all right.<\/span><\/p>\n

Yes, it\u2019s rare, but sometimes my emotions take control of my normally ordered thinking process. I\u2019ll never admit to Pa how right he was in his fears of what Joe might do. For the sake of my brothers, thank God the words from my jumbled mind got through to Joe. Thank God that Hoss was going to be alright as well.<\/span><\/p>\n

B ~ O ~ N ~ A ~ N ~ Z ~ A<\/span><\/p>\n

Looking back on my relationship with Hoss, I\u2019m not sure exactly when it happened, but I accepted that Hoss wanted to take care of himself, he didn\u2019t want his older brother helping him. I understood, he was big enough that no one would pick on him for being small. But I didn\u2019t take into consideration the opposite; because he was so big for his age that the other schoolboys would tease him about being stupid and such. He kept that from me for a while\u2026 but big brothers have a way of learning secrets. I helped him put those bullies in their place; he studied hard and placed first in his class that year. It was a long year for me.<\/span><\/p>\n

When it was time for Joe to attend school, Hoss became a champion for our little brother; the bullies had transferred their aggression from the largest Cartwright to the smallest. I imagine Joe felt like Hoss had when I stuck up for him. And so Hoss let Joe prove himself, to a certain point. It still didn\u2019t make it any easier on Hoss, but he survived school; albeit leaving earlier than Pa would have preferred. But Pa finally accepted that Hoss wouldn\u2019t be following in my footsteps when it came to his education. He was content on the ranch. He knew more than enough to work the Ponderosa and he\u2019d be able to manage some of the contracts just fine with Pa and me there to guide him.<\/span><\/p>\n

I never really got into arguments that much with Hoss; he always accepted what Pa or I had to say. We worked well together and played even harder. My middle brother is a gentle soul, compassionate about animals, defender of the small, nervous about women, and all too hard on himself when his actions injure another. That\u2019s what happened; his grief drove him away from family and right into Red Twilight\u2019s vengeance and a bullet in the back.<\/span><\/p>\n

Did I mention that Hoss was nervous around women? Toe dragging and tongue twisting was his modus operandi when it came to dealing with those of the opposite sex. Hoss lacked confidence in himself and worried that his size might cause harm to a little gal. He\u2019d be happy at a local dance talking with the widows or older folks. Most of the time that is; but there was the one time when a real beauty of a woman came to town\u2026 Ragan Miller. Hoss fell for her, hook, line, and sinker. But I\u2019d known her kind, I\u2019d seen them frequently enough back in Boston. Bored to a fault, a woman who lived by the excitement of drawing men to her like bees to honey; and then on to the next man when the thrill wore off. Maybe a fly to the spider was as better analogy.<\/span><\/p>\n

But Hoss was bound and determined that she would be the next Mrs. Cartwright\u2026 the first Mrs. Eric Cartwright. How does an older brother go about destroying a brother\u2019s dream?<\/span><\/p>\n

I\u2019m not sure which type of woman is worse, Ragan Miller or Deborah Banning and her daughter Melinda. If I ever again attempt to step between one of my brothers and the woman of their dreams\u2026 I\u2019d do it again in a heartbeat to prevent either of them from being hurt, regardless of the punches I know they\u2019ll throw. I\u2019d do it because they\u2019re my brothers, and I promised their mothers I\u2019d look out for them.<\/span><\/p>\n

*****<\/span><\/p>\n

But there were also many brotherly occasions; bantering, drinking, teasing, working long hours side by side.<\/span><\/p>\n

I remember the time when the three of us thought Pa was getting up there in years, that he needed to slow down. We were faced with rustlers on the Ponderosa and refused to let Pa ride with us. Well, the three of us ended up being trapped by the men we were after. It became serious when Hoss was shot in the leg, and we were on the verge of running out of ammunition and had no way to rescue ourselves. But low and behold our own personal knight in shining armor showed up in the presence of our father. I can still laugh at Josh Tatum wishing it had been the \u2018little one\u2019 instead of Hoss that they had shot as we began to carry my large brother home. Joe took offense to that statement, and I\u2019m sure our middle brother wasn\u2019t quite as comfortable as he appeared while lying on the stretcher we constructed after Pa \u2018saved\u2019 us.<\/span><\/p>\n

I\u2019m glad to have Hoss as a brother; and I remember how we almost lost him when Mr. and Mrs. Vandervoort found him, suffering amnesia. Even now, the emotions are difficult to handle, the fact that Pa was willing to give up a son that he would die for, instead of holding on to him and possibly causing him any more hurt. It hit Joe hard, Pa\u2019s actions, but what else could Pa do? Who am I kidding, it hit me hard too, only I was better able to keep my emotions hidden. Like in the past, I was good at keeping my feelings from Pa because he had enough to deal with; I couldn\u2019t add to Pa\u2019s burden. He was ready to let Hoss go to Ohio, as the Vandervoort\u2019s son, so he would still be a part of a family that could offer him comfort and security.<\/span><\/p>\n

Oh if I ever hear that word again\u2026 security. There was the incident surrounding our purchasing a Kentucky thoroughbred to run in the Founders\u2019 Day race. Hoss and I were so sure of ourselves\u2026 I should have remembered Proverbs and Hubris; pride goes before a fall\u2026 And then to find out the ultimate betrayal? Hoss placed a bet on our brother, NOT our thoroughbred.<\/span><\/p>\n

We had many a good times, and there were the trips into town that both of us hoped Pa never found out about. I mean we were men, and Pa can\u2019t expect us to be celibate all our lives\u2026 I was mortified the first time Joe ever followed us to town\u2026 But as the evening wore on, I realized it wasn\u2019t actually his first time, he was too calm\u2026 there was no eager anticipation or nervousness. The thought that Joe at eighteen had already been upstairs caused me to blush as I tried to figure out which saloon and which girl had garnered the feather in her cap over my little brother.<\/span><\/p>\n

*****<\/span><\/p>\n

One always wants to remember the past and the good times, but there were dire times involving my family and my friends. The time I accidentally shot and almost killed Joe out at Montpelier Gorge and him suffering an attack from that damn wolf we were tracking. I\u2019m not sure whose suffering was worse, the physical injuries Joe suffered or the emotional wounds caused when I had to cut into my own brother\u2019s flesh. I couldn\u2019t walk away as the fever took hold and Joe kept reliving the memory of the attack. I couldn\u2019t walk away, not until I knew whether he would recover. And if he didn\u2019t\u2026 Actually, the more time passed, the more I wished to go back to Boston, to where civilized men didn\u2019t have to strap a gun to their leg.<\/span><\/p>\n

I came close to leaving the Ponderosa then, but changed my mind when my brother\u2019s fever broke and later when he informed our father about how I \u2018clobbered that wolf\u2019. I also found out that had I left, my youngest brother would have never forgiven himself. That revelation came when we talked once he was healed; he apologized for putting me through everything. He admitted he should have listened to me in the first place and headed home. Had we gone home, the shooting, the wolf attack, and Sheila Reardon would never have happened.<\/span><\/p>\n

I\u2019ll also never forget when I was forced to kill my best friend Ross Marquette. It was mind boggling to realize he\u2019d killed Delphine by beating her to death, but that only came after the cattle rustling, robbing a stage, and killing another man. This wasn\u2019t the man and friend I had known and stood up for as the best man at their wedding. I had to find out why and in my efforts, I had no choice but to defend myself when he came after me. It took a long time to get over the entire tragedy. I tried to deal with it alone, but it was my father\u2019s guidance that eventually saw me past the nightmare.<\/span><\/p>\n

It just goes to prove one never really knows anyone\u2026 I proved another friend guilty of murder. Toby didn\u2019t deserve to die like that. It didn\u2019t make sense why Bill Enders robbed that way station; it made about as much sense as the fact that I knew it was him. No one else believed my claim, all because I didn\u2019t see his face. That was one occasion where Joe\u2019s description of me was accurate \u2013 Yankee granite head. I got the notion in my head and wouldn\u2019t let go. I had to prove it was possible to be at the way station and make the trip to Virginia City. Everyone agreed the ride couldn\u2019t be made in the allotted time. Hoss and Joe agreed with those in town, but they were willing to go along with me, because they were my brothers. I should have been upset that I failed to make the ride in the allotted time\u2026 But in the end it didn\u2019t matter, I told Hoss and Joe when they finally arrived; Mary Enders confessed everything.<\/span><\/p>\n

There were no winners. Nothing can change the past\u2026 Toby is still dead and Roy took a bullet from Bill, who took a bullet from Pa. There wasn\u2019t that much of a trial, and the only reason Bill wasn\u2019t sentenced to hang was because of the baby Mary was carrying.<\/span><\/p>\n

*****<\/span><\/p>\n

I\u2019ve heard it say that everyone has a double, somewhere. Joe had one in Angus Borden. It chilled me when I found out how close Joe came to losing his life in front of a firing squad. Knowing what Joe had gone through didn\u2019t prepare me to face my own twin, Tom Burns. It\u2019s one thing to look at yourself in a mirror and have the image mimic you move for move, but to stare into the face of a man and have him be the total opposite of you\u2026 Who\u2019s to say which individual is the original? Could this have been my life had I not been raised by Ben Cartwright? It was a sobering ride home as I thought of how alike and how different we were; how different my life could have been\u2026 how different his life could have been had he been me.<\/span><\/p>\n

B ~ O ~ N ~ A ~ N ~ Z ~ A<\/span><\/p>\n

Last night, I laid on my bed; ankles crossed and my hands behind my head with my fingers interlaced. The flicker of light from the low burning lamp flame danced across the ceiling of my room. I thought of all the lessons I\u2019d taught my brothers, had they learned enough? Deep down I knew the answer to that question, but I was uncertain to admit the real question that kept me from my sleep, was I ready? Was I ready to accept that my time here was done? Was there anything else I could teach my brothers to make sure they were prepared to face life without me?<\/span><\/p>\n

I drifted off to sleep knowing Joe and Hoss were ready to stand on their own, they\u2019d learned everything I had to teach them, and more. They knew how to back each other up as they had backed me up, together and separately. They were brothers\u2026<\/span><\/p>\n

As my eyes closed I finally accepted that I was ready to step out of the shadows cast by my family name, shadows wrapped with protection, warmth, and love in abundance\u2026 I was ready to strike out on my own.<\/span><\/p>\n

B ~ O ~ N ~ A ~ N ~ Z ~ A<\/span><\/p>\n

I woke to thoughts of family; those who had visited us over the years, Hoss\u2019 Uncle Gunnar Borgstrom, Joe\u2019s other brother Clay Stafford, Pa\u2019s Cousin Clarrisa Cartwright, and our Cousin Will Cartwright\u2026 It\u2019s not yet been a year, but I am still quite thankful to Will for having fallen in love with Laura Dayton, and saving me from making the biggest mistake of my life. Sure I miss Peggy\u2026<\/span><\/p>\n

I thought of Inger Borgstrom, who married my father and became my first step-mother. She shared in Pa\u2019s dream, but she never saw it realized. She gave me a brother, only to lose her life a short time later while helping to defend the other settlers and her sons from a band of Indians. I see a lot of her charm and compassion in her son, my brother Hoss. She\u2019s buried back at Ash Hollow\u2026 I wish it were possible to find her grave and bring her to the Ponderosa, but it has been so many years. Is the small grave marker even still standing?<\/span><\/p>\n

As I remembered the past, I wished some events had never happened, the senseless losses\u2026 but then.<\/span><\/p>\n

There was the death of Jean deMarigny who worked for my father and became my friend. I wish Jean had not been killed. But Jean did die. Pa traveled to New Orleans to notify his widow, Marie deMarigny. My father ultimately vindicated her honor, and came home with a new wife and step-mother for his two sons.<\/span><\/p>\n

Months later, after Marie announced her pregnancy, we all were waiting on Joe, only we didn\u2019t have as long to wait as we thought. My littlest brother came into the world almost a month early. And from the moment he learned to crawl, never again were we waiting on Joe, but following and running after him all the time; except when he slept. Correction, we occasionally still wait on him, when he\u2019s getting himself ready to take a beautiful girl to a dance.<\/span><\/p>\n

*****<\/span><\/p>\n

At times I wish I could go back and change the past\u2026 Had my mother not died after my birth… Had Inger not died in that Indian attack\u2026 Sure, there might have been other children, but they wouldn\u2019t be Hoss or Joe. I can\u2019t envision my life with different brothers; especially after Pa once warned me to be careful what I wished for\u2026 I could have gotten a sibling much worse. Yeah, they both can be irritating, but they are my brothers, and I love them. If that horse hadn\u2019t stumbled and if Marie hadn\u2019t died\u2026 I\u2019d do anything to spare Joe the pain of losing his mother and Pa losing a third wife.<\/span><\/p>\n

*****<\/span><\/p>\n

I thought back on the time I spent in Boston with my grandfather, Abel Stoddard. He never had the chance to see my father\u2019s dream fulfilled in person, but he lived it through Pa\u2019s letters and my stories. I wanted him to come west, to join us, but he passed away two years after I graduated from college and is buried next to his wife and daughter, my mother, in a small church-yard cemetery on the outskirts of Boston. His death was sudden and I was not able to return in time for his funeral. I authorized the ship chandler\u2019s store that Grandfather owned to be sold to one of his former first mates, Gordon Rigney. Gordon had turned down his own chance at captaincy in order to live the quiet life, and help Grandfather manage his business. Over the years I\u2019ve heard Gordon has continually expanded the business and has become quite successful.<\/span><\/p>\n

Many of my former college colleagues have gone on to do well for themselves in their fields of study and expertise. And then there\u2019s me.<\/span><\/p>\n

I guess during the years following my graduation, you could say I was successful; everything I learned I brought back to the Ponderosa and used to help ensure her success, and that of my brothers.<\/span><\/p>\n

I\u2019m proud of both my brothers and their accomplishments. Hoss will be able to manage the land and the men, and Joe\u2026 now that he knows how to direct all aspects of the Ponderosa, he\u2019ll do fine. He knows how to negotiate the contracts, and more importantly, he knows how to fill my shoes — how to be Pa\u2019s right hand man.<\/span><\/p>\n

B ~ O ~ N ~ A ~ N ~ Z ~ A<\/span><\/p>\n

As I said earlier, all my worldly possessions are packed at my feet. This time it isn\u2019t Pa encouraging me to leave, to fulfill a dream. This time, it is my heart. I\u2019ve done everything I knew how to do. I\u2019ve given everything I have to give\u2026 But no longer could the Ponderosa or my family fulfill me. Something was drawing me away.<\/span><\/p>\n

*****<\/span><\/p>\n

Stating that he needed a moment, Pa stepped away and into Mr. Johnson\u2019s hardware store, I knew he had a list to drop off. Mr. Johnson\u2019s only son was one of my best friends. He joined the army back in 1861. We all prayed he\u2019d come home, but the battle accounts written in the papers from the War Between the States were gruesome. The number of lives lost was mind boggling, and many young men laid for their eternal rest in unmarked or unidentified graves in places like Manassas, better known as the Battle of Bull Run to the Union forces, Harper\u2019s Ferry, Sharpsburg, Vicksburg, Chancellorsville, Gettysburg, and Cold Harbor. If we could have only known\u2026<\/span><\/p>\n

I remembered the news reports painting vivid pictures, causing my core to shudder. Ghastly images flickered through my mind as a battlefield came into sharp focus. A cacophony of sounds deafened the area. Rifles firing, concussive booms preceded the whistling of projectiles as they traveled through the air, screams of men and animals suffering mortal wounds, commanders barking out orders\u2026<\/span><\/p>\n

Smoke hung heavy over both sides; a deathly shroud thick enough that eyes watered in irritation and lungs gasped short breaths, starving for clean air. Soot from the black powder used in the rifles and the cannons coated skin and uniforms; blurring the faces and the colors so that one had to look hard to recognize the soldier and his unit.<\/span><\/p>\n

Craters pock marked the grassy field, in front of and behind the battle lines, as cannon balls and artillery shells impacted the ground; metal fragments exploded out from the epicenter. Dead and dying soldiers litter the field or hung from the split rail fences, while the maimed struggled to find safety. A commanding officer tumbled from his dead horse<\/strong>; dying or unconscious, it was impossible to tell. Dirt rained upwards before gravity pulled it down from the sky.<\/span><\/p>\n

I guess that was why Pa was so against even discussing the conflict. One son having been born in Boston stood loyal to the north and took a stand against slavery. Another son knew that slavery was wrong; however, he was loyal to the memory of his mother and her southern heritage. Deep down, Pa feared our leaving to fight, and knowing there was a good chance he would lose us both; the same as so many other parents who wept over the death of a son or two.<\/span><\/p>\n

My emotions ran high when Frederick Kyle came through town. I was all ready to leave and declare my allegiance to the North. Slavery was wrong, and that was my primary focus in supporting this war.<\/span><\/p>\n

I couldn’t help it, it seemed like Joe\u2019s efforts were going to sway the mine owners. How could they not promise the mineral ore from the Comstock to the South? Kyle was very convincing, and had the backing of one Cartwright. But I knew the little bit of gold and all that silver would ultimately find its way into the hands of the English. The Confederacy needed England\u2019s man power and support in order to win the war of aggression brought down by the Union.<\/span><\/p>\n

Pa was ultimately able to take his stance to the mine owners, and my little brother\u2026 We were one country, one house, one family\u2026 we shouldn\u2019t encourage one side over the other in such squabbles. War is ugly and there was never a real winner. In the cost of human life, both sides lost. But I still left.<\/span><\/p>\n

I thought I had set my course, but once I was alone and had time to really think. It wasn\u2019t Pa\u2019s words that affected me\u2026 It was the thought of Joe possibly following my footsteps that stopped me cold. Oh sure, I told Joe when he caught up with me that the only reason I hadn\u2019t gotten farther along was because the beauty of Lake Tahoe got under my skin. I couldn\u2019t tell him the truth. Joe would have balked and maybe he would have left in order to prove himself, and to prove me wrong. This was a secret that I planned to take my grave; I needed to make sure he grew up, that he could handle the Ponderosa. I guess even back then I knew I would one day leave.<\/span><\/p>\n

*****<\/span><\/p>\n

Hoss was making sure all my bags and my trunk were accounted for, that he hadn\u2019t lost any on our way into town. I wondered if he was looking forward to being the BIG brother as he had so many years ago. He sure had grown into the role. He would be a good sounding board and second conscious if Joe ever felt overwhelmed to a point and he couldn\u2019t talk to Pa about a situation. So much like their schemes as children, they were always there for each other.<\/span><\/p>\n

Looking to Joe, he was tying Cochise to the back of the buckboard. He turned away from me, but not before I saw his shimmering eyes. We had finally come to an understanding\u2026 brothers we would always be, but now we stood toe to toe as equals. We were men capable of running the empire that was and is the Ponderosa.<\/span><\/p>\n

Looking over the town from in front of the stage depot I mused about the past. The trading post had long ago fallen to dust and the court house stood erected in its place. Those houses with the scantily dressed women were consigned to D and E Streets. Law and order came full-time to Virginia City when Sheriff Roy Coffee pinned on the badge and took the oath of office. Eventually Clem Foster became his deputy when Roy realized the town had grown to be more than he could handle alone. The Bucket of Blood and the Silver Dollar saloons are now upscale establishments, though they still suffer the occasional brawl.<\/span><\/p>\n

How many times did Cartwright money pay to fix what Cartwrights broke? I huffed to myself; it almost seems like yesterday\u2026 Where do the good times go?<\/span><\/p>\n

B ~ O ~ N ~ A ~ N ~ Z ~ A<\/span><\/p>\n

Damn, why is this time so much harder? Twenty years ago, I stood on the precipice of my life, ready to expand my horizons by leaving my family and heading off to college; knowing I would return. Today, I\u2019m standing on the edge of an abyss\u2026 I\u2019m nervous because I don\u2019t know exactly where I\u2019m going or what I\u2019m going to do\u2026 yet, it\u2019s been a long time since I\u2019ve been this excited at the prospect of tomorrow and the unknown of what will happen. Life is calling me, calling me away from my family and my home of homes. There\u2019s a whole world out there waiting for me that I\u2019m eager to explore.<\/span><\/p>\n

This time my leaving is so much harder because my family is grieving\u2026 I\u2019d like to tell them I\u2019ll be back; unlike the last time, I honestly can\u2019t say.<\/span><\/p>\n

*****<\/span><\/p>\n

As the stage lurched into motion, it took longer for the sight of my father and grown brothers bidding me goodbye to fade from my field of vision. Hoss eagerly waved as he had so many years go. Pa waved goodbye with one hand and with the other offered a comforting hand upon Joe\u2019s shoulder. My youngest brother stood between his remaining family, raised his hand and held it there. Maybe that was his way of asking me one last time to stay. As if he was trying to halt the stage, only the driver didn\u2019t see because we were heading away from him. Honestly, I pray that he\u2019s saying, \u2018go in peace.\u2019<\/span><\/p>\n

I refused to avert my eyes until Virginia City blurred into the hues of the surrounding landscape and became indistinguishable. As I take this giant step forward in my life, never will my family vanish from my memory. I am who I am because of them, and I hope they feel the same; that some of me rubbed off on them and made them who they are today, and tomorrow.<\/span><\/p>\n

Settling in to making myself comfortable on the cushions, a calmness pervades my soul\u2026 This is it\u2026 I\u2019m finally going to live my dream.<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

~The End<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Story Note<\/strong>:\u00a0 I too participated in Hoss’ fishing tournament, you remember from your childhood, “Go -Fish”?\u00a0 I ended up with ‘dead horse’, ‘vest’, and ‘coffee’ as my words.\u00a0 The paragraphs in green font were added to the story so I could use ‘dead horse’, while it was my\u00a0 luck that I had already used ‘vest’ and ‘coffee’ before the tournament began.<\/span><\/p>\n

Author\u2019s Note:<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

This is my farewell to the man in black as the producers, directors, and writers chose not to address Pernell Robert\u2019s departure from the series. A character\u2019s vague reference in a few episodes is no way to honor a man who gave life to the character, and was forgotten as time passed.<\/span><\/p>\n

As I was looking for a theme for my Camp in the Pine story, Kenny Rogers\u2019 song \u2018Twenty Years Ago\u2019 was playing on my iTunes account. The premise of the song is a person coming back to walk the streets of their hometown after a twenty year absence. I decided to use the concept of twenty years of changes for my story. Only the person would look back to the twenty years of the life he lived from the last time he had stood at the crossroads of his life, ready to leave his family to fulfill a dream.<\/span><\/p>\n

(I claim artistic licensing when it comes to the actual number of years between Adam\u2019s departure for college and his departure from the series.)<\/span><\/p>\n

Kenny Rogers, \u201cTwenty Years Ago<\/a>\u201d <\/strong>(click on link to view video)<\/span>
\nWritten by Dan Tyler, Wood Newton, Michael Noble and C. Michael Spriggs.<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

B ~ O ~ N ~ A ~ N ~ Z ~ A<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

My story included Characters and\/or Scenes from the following Episodes, thank you to their respective authors:<\/span><\/p>\n

A House Divided<\/span>
\nA Rose for Lotta<\/span>
\nA Stranger Passed this Way<\/span>
\nClarrisa<\/span>
\nElizabeth, My Love<\/span>
\nFirst Born<\/span>
\nInger, My Love<\/span>
\nMarie, My Love<\/span>
\nMy Brother\u2019s Keeper<\/span>
\nRose for Lotta<\/span>
\nShe Walks in Beauty<\/span>
\nThe Avenger<\/span>
\nThe Dark Gate<\/span>
\nThe Gamble<\/span>
\nThe Hanging Posse<\/span>
\nThe Hayburner<\/span>
\nThe Lady from Baltimore<\/span>
\nThe Last Viking<\/span>
\nThe Quest<\/span>
\nThe Rescue<\/span>
\nThe Ride<\/span>
\nThe Search<\/span>
\nThe Tin Badge<\/span>
\nTriangle<\/span>
\nVengeance<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Tags: Adam Cartwright, Family, leaving<\/p>\n

<\/div>\n

<\/g><\/svg><\/i> \"Loading\"<\/p>\n

<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Summary:\u00a0 Twenty years etched into the memory of a man who stands at the crossroads of his life.\u00a0\u00a0 <\/p>\n

Rating:\u00a0 K (10,815 words)<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":24,"featured_media":3216,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"template-full-width-post.php","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1005,23,61,40],"tags":[120],"class_list":["post-9630","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-adam-cartwright","category-drama","category-missing-scene","category-challenges","tag-citp","wpcat-1005-id","wpcat-23-id","wpcat-61-id","wpcat-40-id"],"a3_pvc":{"activated":true,"total_views":1929,"today_views":0},"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/04\/WoF-37Edengirl.jpg?fit=768%2C576&ssl=1","jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":886,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=886","url_meta":{"origin":9630,"position":0},"title":"Honor Series #10 – Twenty Years Means Nothing to the Pines (by the Tahoe Ladies)","author":"Tahoe Ladies","date":"May 19, 2005","format":false,"excerpt":"Summary:\u00a0 Season 15 - Episode 10 (A What Happened Later story)\u00a0 A continuation of the Honor Series Rated: K\u00a0\u00a0 Word Count:\u00a0 1994 Honor series, links to all the stories within the series included.","rel":"","context":"In "Action\/Adventure"","block_context":{"text":"Action\/Adventure","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?cat=2"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/09\/Pepper-Shannon3.jpg?fit=722%2C468&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/09\/Pepper-Shannon3.jpg?fit=722%2C468&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/09\/Pepper-Shannon3.jpg?fit=722%2C468&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/09\/Pepper-Shannon3.jpg?fit=722%2C468&ssl=1&resize=700%2C400 2x"},"classes":[]},{"id":14355,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=14355","url_meta":{"origin":9630,"position":1},"title":"Cartwrights Forever (by JC)","author":"JC","date":"June 2, 2017","format":false,"excerpt":"Summary: A tribute in rhyme for everyone who loves the Cartwrights, especially those who love to write about them. 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