Summary: When a friend dies unexpectedly, fourteen-year-old Joe struggles with grief, loss, and the age-old question: \u201cWhy?\u201d<\/p>\n
Rated PG \u00a0WC 18,000<\/p>\n
\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0Swimming<\/strong><\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cHere, Joe, take a drink of this,\u201d said a voice. Huddled naked with somebody\u2019s saddle blanket wrapped around his waist and somebody else\u2019s jacket draped across his shoulders, Little Joe reached mindlessly for whatever they were handing him. A bottle, as it turned out. He took a swig and handed it back, never looking up to see who his benefactor was.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n A commotion down at the shore seized his attention. He jerked to his feet, and the jacket fell to the ground. Clutching the blanket, he pushed through the crowd as Hoss carried the limp body up, out of the water. The men parted, and Joe reached out with one tentative hand to touch his friend\u2019s cold, wet cheek. He looked up at Hoss, silently pleading for confirmation that what he saw before him was not, in fact, the truth.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cHis foot was wedged in the rocks,\u201d said Hoss, his deep voice rough with sorrow. \u201cI\u2019m sorry, Little Brother, I truly am.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cWhere\u2019s his pa?\u201d asked somebody. There was shuffling behind them, and Mr. Munson stood beside Little Joe. Like Joe, he reached out, almost in wonder, to touch his son\u2019s cold flesh.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cSamuel,\u201d he whispered.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m sorry, sir,\u201d breathed Joe. At first, he wasn\u2019t sure Sam\u2019s pa had heard him, but then, the older man\u2019s wide blue eyes fixed on him, brimful of grief.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cThank you, boy,\u201d the father said at last.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n He started to take his son from Hoss\u2019 arms, but Hoss said, \u201cI\u2019ll take care of him, sir.\u201d One of the men produced another saddle blanket to drape over the body. Gently, as if Sam were asleep and Hoss didn\u2019t want to waken him, the big man laid his brother\u2019s best friend carefully in the back of the buckboard they\u2019d sent for when it became apparent it would be needed.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n As men discussed in low voices how to get the Munsons home, Adam laid his arm around Joe\u2019s shoulders. \u201cYou need to get dressed,\u201d he said. With a gentleness not normally associated with the logical, rational Cartwright, Adam drew his brother off to the side and handed him his clothes.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Joe\u2019s hands shook as he pulled on his pants. The last time he\u2019d worn them, Sam was alive. The same thought crossed his mind as he pulled on his boots. As he fumbled for the buttons on his shirt, he caught sight of the buckboard that bore the body of a fourteen-year-old boy who would never be fifteen, and he started to shake.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cEasy, Joe,\u201d murmured Adam. He held his brother\u2019s shoulders as the boy doubled over, hurling the contents of his stomach on the ground. \u201cYou\u2019re all right, I\u2019ve got you,\u201d he said, rubbing the boy\u2019s back.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Finally, Joe straightened, drawing his hand across his mouth. \u201cI\u2019m okay,\u201d he said.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n To his credit, Adam didn\u2019t call him a liar. He just patted Joe\u2019s shoulder and said, \u201cLet\u2019s get on home.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cWhere\u2019s Hoss?\u201d Joe cast anxious looks around in the fading daylight.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m right here,\u201d said the big man. He\u2019d already dressed, and now he reached out to button Joe\u2019s shirt. \u201cThis boy\u2019s cold,\u201d he said as if Joe couldn\u2019t hear him. \u201cHe\u2019s shakin\u2019 like a leaf.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cI know,\u201d said Adam. He retrieved his jacket from where it had fallen when Joe stood up and wrapped it around his brother. \u201cLet\u2019s go,\u201d he said as the other rescuers dispersed.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n It seemed simultaneously like no time and forever before they rode into the yard. \u201cI\u2019ll take care of the horses,\u201d said Adam to Hoss. \u201cYou get him inside and warm him up.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n As they opened the door, they heard Pa\u2019s voice, booming and annoyed. \u201cIt\u2019s about time you all got back here! Supper\u2019s been ready for half an hour. Where have you been, anyway?\u201d He came around the corner from his desk and stopped short at the sight of Joe\u2019s face. \u201cWhat happened?\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Joe lifted his gaze for the first time since he\u2019d dismounted. \u201cSam\u2019s dead,\u201d he whispered.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Instinctively, Ben reached out to his youngest son as he directed the question to his middle son this time. \u201cWhat happened?\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cHim and Joe were up at the lake, swimming,\u201d said Hoss. \u201cSam must\u2019ve got his foot stuck in some rocks when he jumped in the water.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cOh, Joseph,\u201d breathed Ben. Sam and Joe had been friends ever since the Munsons had come to Virginia City, back when the boys were four years old. Ben laid his hand against his son\u2019s cheek. \u201cYou\u2019re freezing,\u201d he said. He peered more closely and saw that the boy\u2019s lips were tinged with blue. \u201cCome over by the fire so you can warm up.\u201d Not waiting for an answer, he drew his son over to sit on the hearth.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Without being asked, Hoss fetched the brandy and a single glass. Ben assessed his middle son with a glance, filled the glass Hoss had intended for Joe, and said quietly, \u201cHere,\u201d as he handed it to Hoss. Hoss started to protest, but Ben saw in those light blue eyes the agony of recovering a young boy\u2019s body. He patted the broad shoulder as he moved past his son to fetch another glass.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n As Hoss drank, Ben poured another brandy and pressed it into his youngest son\u2019s hand. \u201cDrink this, son,\u201d he said, his voice deep and gentle. He sat on the hearth beside Joe, his arm around the boy who shivered despite the fire only inches away. Joe took a sip of the brandy, but it was clear that he neither knew nor cared what he drank.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n The room was silent save for the crackling of the fire when Adam came in from the barn. \u201cAdam, have Hop Sing wrap up a couple of hot bricks and heat some broth,\u201d Ben instructed. He rubbed Joe\u2019s arm as he said, \u201cLet\u2019s get you up to bed, young man.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Adam rested his hand on Hoss\u2019 shoulder. \u201cYou okay?\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Hoss shrugged. A fellow could only be so okay at a time like this. \u201cCome on, Shortshanks,\u201d he said, rising. He moved around the table to where his younger brother sat. His eyes were dark with sorrow.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cWe\u2019ll be up in a minute,\u201d said Ben as Hoss helped Little Joe to his feet and Adam headed into the kitchen. The two brothers made their slow, resigned way up the stairs. When Adam returned with more glasses, Ben asked, \u201cHow did it happen?\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cJoe and Sam were over at the cove,\u201d said Adam. He poured generous drinks for himself and his father. \u201cJoe said they\u2019d been jumping from that one tree that hangs way out over the water. Then, Sam went under and didn\u2019t come back up.\u201d The two men drank in silence, letting the notion settle.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cDo his parents know?\u201d Ben couldn\u2019t imagine anything more horrible. For a second, he tried to picture what it would have been like if the situation had been reversed and it was Sam who had had to look for Joe. He shook his head quickly to rid himself of the image. Unthinkable.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cHis pa was there,\u201d said Adam. \u201cHe took the boy home.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cPoor Jake and Ella,\u201d breathed Ben. \u201cOnce Joe\u2019s settled in, I\u2019m going to ride over there and see if there\u2019s anything we can do.\u201d He drained his glass and peered at his eldest son, who was gazing at his glass. Hesitantly, he asked, \u201cIs there something else?\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cIt\u2019s just\u2014I\u2019m not sure what to make of it and maybe it\u2019s nothing, but\u2014well, Joe hasn\u2019t cried,\u201d Adam said.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cWhat do you mean?\u201d Braced, Ben drained his glass and set it on the table.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cJust that,\u201d said Adam. \u201cI expected him to fall apart before we ever left the lake, but he hasn\u2019t shed a tear. He got sick, but that\u2019s all.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Ben exhaled in relief. \u201cWell, I wouldn\u2019t worry,\u201d he said. \u201cHe\u2019s had a pretty big shock, but he never holds anything back for long.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cI suppose you\u2019re right,\u201d said Adam. \u201cLet me see if those bricks are heated.\u201d He returned a minute later with a tray bearing a cup of steaming broth and two bricks wrapped in towels. Wordlessly, he and his father climbed the stairs to Joe\u2019s room.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Hoss had already gotten Joe into a nightshirt and into bed. The big man sat on the side of the bed, rubbing his brother\u2019s arms vigorously. \u201cHow\u2019s that, Little Brother? You warming up yet?\u201d Hoss asked with forced enthusiasm, but Joe didn\u2019t seem to notice. His eyes were dull and vacant, fixed on something only he could see.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Hoss moved aside as Ben wrapped an afghan around the boy\u2019s slim shoulders and held him tightly for a moment. Adam slipped the bricks under the covers, down by Joe\u2019s feet. Then, he held out the cup for his brother. \u201cHere you go,\u201d Adam said. \u201cNice and hot. Just what you need.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Joe shook his head. \u201cI\u2019m not hungry.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cIt\u2019ll help you warm up,\u201d said Ben as he tried to wrap his son\u2019s hand around the cup. \u201cIt\u2019ll be good to get something hot into you.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cI don\u2019t want it,\u201d said Joe, pulling his hand away and clasping his hands in his lap like a child. \u201cI don\u2019t want anything.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cJust try a little,\u201d urged Ben. He held out the cup again.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cI don\u2019t want<\/em> it!\u201d Joe shoved his father\u2019s hand away, and the cup crashed to the floor. Stricken, the boy looked up, eyes wide with panic. \u201cI\u2019m sorry, Pa, I didn\u2019t mean it, I\u2019m sorry\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cIt\u2019s all right, son,\u201d said Ben. He pulled his son close, murmuring \u201cJust relax,\u201d as he rubbed Joe\u2019s back. He could hear Adam and Hoss cleaning up the shards of china and the puddle of broth, but he didn\u2019t turn from the trembling boy in his arms.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Eventually, the tension in the young body eased. Ben loosened his grasp, and Joe sat back. His eyes were dry. Ben ran his hand through the boy\u2019s unruly curls. \u201cWhy don\u2019t you lie down for a little while,\u201d he suggested. He half-expected his son to balk at this suggestion, too, but Joe lay back against the pillows, clearly worn out. He stood and drew the covers up over Joe\u2019s shoulders. \u201cDo you want to try to sleep?\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Joe shrugged. What did he want? He wanted things to be normal again. He wanted Sam, alive and well. He wanted for them not to have made that last jump.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n It was the age-old story\u2014they almost didn\u2019t, and then they decided to. One last time before they had to get home for chores. Who had suggested it, Joe or Sam? Right then, Joe couldn\u2019t remember. He only knew that he jumped, hitting the water heels first and going down, down, down, until he thought his feet might touch the bottom. Then, in a froth of bubbles, he began to kick and pull himself up to the surface.<\/em><\/p>\n \u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n When he broke through to the cooling air, he was farther out than he\u2019d expected. He shook the water from his hair. Suddenly, he felt very tiny in this vast body of water. He remembered being in San Francisco and seeing the harbors. The Pacific Ocean didn\u2019t look all that impressive from a dock. Pa had said that once you were out of the harbor, though, you could travel for weeks in a straight line and never see anything but water and sky\u2014no land, anywhere. Joe had tried to picture what it would be like, for a ship as big as those docked in San Francisco to be nothing more than a dot in the vast ocean. He felt like that now, even though he could see the shores with their stands of ponderosa pines, straight and tall, like soldiers guarding the lake.<\/em><\/p>\n \u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n Then, he\u2019d looked around again. \u201cSam!\u201d he called. No answer. \u201cSam!\u201d He treaded water as he squinted into the shadows of the branches. \u201cHey, would you jump already? It\u2019s getting late!\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n \u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n But there was no answer from the tree, not even a rustle of leaves. \u201cHey, Sam! Let\u2019s get going!\u201d Still no answer. \u201cSam!\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n \u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n The only sound he heard was himself treading water. \u201cHey! This ain\u2019t funny! You get yourself out here, now!\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n \u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n The answering silence made his stomach twist. This wasn\u2019t like Sam. Sure, he\u2019d play a joke on a fellow if he had the chance, but he knew better than to fool around like this. \u201cWhere the hell are you!\u201d The tinge of panic in Joe\u2019s voice echoed across the water. \u201cMunson, you worthless slug! This ain\u2019t funny! Get out here right now!\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n \u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n His arms and legs were getting tired from treading water, but Joe knew what he had to do. He sucked in the deepest breath he could and dove under the water, straining to see any sign of Sam. When he thought his lungs would burst, he came up, took another breath, and went back down. And he did it again and again, and still again, frantically refusing to let himself think how nobody could stay under that long and be all right.<\/em><\/p>\n \u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m gonna get help, Sam!\u201d he shouted, just in case Sam could hear him. As fast as he could, he swam for shore. As soon as he gained solid ground, he scrambled up to where they\u2019d left their clothes, and he grabbed Sam\u2019s squirrel rifle, firing off three shots. He waited, and when he heard no answer, he fired again. This time, he heard answering shots. \u201cThank God,\u201d he whispered. He plunged back into the water to search some more until help came.<\/em><\/p>\n \u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n When he surfaced again, he saw Hoss and Adam riding down the trail. He waved frantically. \u201cI can\u2019t find Sam!\u201d he yelled. He could tell they couldn\u2019t hear him, so he swam closer to shore and yelled again. Other men were coming now, and as soon as Joe was close enough to be heard, Hoss was undressing. Joe heard him say something over his shoulder, and Adam waded in and took Joe\u2019s arm.<\/em><\/p>\n \u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cI have to go back out and look for Sam!\u201d snapped Joe, trying to wrench his arm out of his eldest brother\u2019s firm grip.<\/em><\/p>\n \u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cLet Hoss look,\u201d said Adam. \u201cYou\u2019re worn to a frazzle. You go back out, and we\u2019ll be looking for you, too.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n \u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cAdam. . . .\u201d The protest melted at the sight of his brother\u2019s eyes. <\/em><\/p>\n \u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cCome here,\u201d said Adam. \u201cYou\u2019re freezing.\u201d He wrapped a saddle blanket around Joe\u2019s hips, draped his yellow coat around the boy\u2019s shoulders, and sat him down on a rock. Around them, other men were undressing and wading into the cold water. And somebody shoved a bottle into Joe\u2019s hand and told him to take a drink. . . .<\/em><\/p>\n \u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n Even with the afghan and the hot bricks and the fire in the fireplace, Joe still felt ice-cold. He pulled the blankets up higher as if that would help, but he knew it wouldn\u2019t. Because it wasn\u2019t the water or the air that made him feel cold.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n It was the fact that the world was never going to be the same, and it was all his fault.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n * * * * * * * * * *<\/p>\n <\/p>\n The early morning light barely touched the edges of the breakfast table as Adam and Hoss started down the stairs. \u201cHow are you doing?\u201d Adam asked.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Hoss shrugged. \u201cProb\u2019ly better than Joe,\u201d he said. \u201cI can\u2019t even think what he\u2019s feelin\u2019 now.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Adam opened his mouth to answer, and then he stopped. \u201cWe can take a guess,\u201d he said, nodding toward the main room.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Little Joe was curled up in Ben\u2019s chair, sound asleep. The rough wool blanket that normally graced the settee was tucked around him. On the table sat an open bottle of whiskey and a half-full glass.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cDadburnit,\u201d muttered Hoss. The brothers headed down the stairs, their boots clattering, but Joe didn\u2019t stir. \u201cJoe! Joseph! Wake up!\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cHey, Joe, come on,\u201d said Adam, shaking his brother\u2019s shoulder. \u201cHoss, clean up the whiskey. If Pa sees this, he\u2019ll have a fit.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Slowly, Joe opened his eyes. \u201cWhat?\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cCome on, Little Brother,\u201d said Adam. \u201cTime to get up. What are you doing down here, anyway?\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cI woke up and couldn\u2019t get back to sleep,\u201d said Joe, squinting against the light. \u201cWhat\u2019s the matter?\u201d He peered at Adam, eyes bleary with sleep and booze.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cWhat were you doing with the whiskey?\u201d asked Adam.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Joe laid his head back against the chair. \u201cI\u2019m not drunk. I didn\u2019t have all that much. Two drinks, maybe three.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cThat\u2019s plenty,\u201d said Adam. For reasons he wasn\u2019t quite certain of, Pa didn\u2019t mind Joe drinking an occasional beer, but he didn\u2019t want the boy drinking whiskey. It wasn\u2019t as if a man couldn\u2019t get just as drunk on either one, but Adam had no intention of testing Pa on his position this morning.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Hoss came back from the kitchen and sat down on the hearth. \u201cHow\u2019re you feelin\u2019?\u201d he asked.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m okay,\u201d said Joe. \u201cWhiskey doesn\u2019t do much to me.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Hoss rested his hand on the boy\u2019s arm. \u201cThat ain\u2019t what I meant,\u201d he said.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Joe swallowed hard. \u201cI\u2019m okay,\u201d he said again, but his voice sounded thin and uncertain this time.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cSam\u2019s pa came by last night,\u201d said Adam. \u201cThe service is today at noon.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Joe sat upright. \u201cHe came here? Why didn\u2019t somebody call me?\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cYou were asleep,\u201d said Adam. \u201cMr. Munson said not to disturb you.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cWas he all right?\u201d Joe asked.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cAs much as a man could be,\u201d said Hoss. \u201cHe said to thank you for trying so hard to find Sam and for being such a good friend to him.\u201d He rubbed Joe\u2019s arm as he spoke, and he could feel the boy starting to tremble.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cI let Sam down.\u201d The words were so quiet that his brothers almost missed them.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cYou did everything you could,\u201d said Adam. He sat down on the table and laid his hand on Joe\u2019s knee. \u201cThere was nothing else you could have done.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Joe pulled the blanket around himself more tightly. \u201cIt\u2019s freezing in here.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Adam and Hoss exchanged concerned glances. It wasn\u2019t that cold. \u201cI\u2019ll get the fire goin\u2019 better,\u201d said Hoss. A few minutes later, the fire blazed brightly. \u201cHow\u2019s that? Better?\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cNo,\u201d said Joe.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cYou should get upstairs and get dressed,\u201d said Adam. \u201cYou\u2019ll be warmer. Where are your slippers?\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cUpstairs,\u201d said Joe. He stood unsteadily, wincing as his bare feet met the chilly wooden floor.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n For a minute, Hoss rested his arm around Joe\u2019s shoulders. He thought Joe might move toward him, into a hug, but the boy remained stiff and motionless. Finally, Hoss just patted Joe\u2019s shoulder. \u201cGo on,\u201d he said. \u201cWe got work to do this morning.\u201d He watched as Joe plodded up the stairs without a word. After the boy was out of earshot, Hoss turned to his eldest brother. \u201cWhat do you make of that?\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Adam shook his head. \u201cI don\u2019t know,\u201d he admitted. \u201cBut at least he\u2019s not hung over.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cI almost wish he was,\u201d said Hoss. At Adam\u2019s raised eyebrow, he said, \u201cAt least I\u2019d know what to do with that.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Adam nodded ruefully. \u201cGood point,\u201d he conceded. Lifting his voice, he called, \u201cHey, Hop Sing! Is breakfast ready?\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n The little man came running out. \u201cBreakfast ready, family not here!\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cWe\u2019re here,\u201d said Hoss, looking back at the stairs as if Joe would reappear. A thought occurred to him. Very little got past Hop Sing. \u201cHey, Hop Sing, you didn\u2019t see Joe out here before, did you?\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Hop Sing snorted in disgust. \u201cHop Sing have much work, make breakfast, no time look for Li\u2019l Joe,\u201d he said so convincingly that he didn\u2019t have to tell them how, when he\u2019d gotten up to start the bread, he\u2019d heard someone wandering around in the main room. Even in the darkness, he\u2019d seen grief and despair in the boy\u2019s slumped shoulders and bowed head as he moved aimlessly through the room.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n And so, Hop Sing had brought his Little Joe into the kitchen to sit by the warm stove and sip from a glass of whiskey as the Chinese man mixed up and kneaded the dough. He cast occasional surreptitious glances at Joe, but he said nothing, letting the boy stay quiet as he obviously wished. When Joe finally looked as if he might want to go back to sleep, Hop Sing ushered him into the main room, with Joe clutching his glass and the bottle. Without a word, Hop Sing settled him in Mister Ben\u2019s armchair and gently took the glass and bottle, placing them on the table. He tucked the blanket around the youngest son, taking care to cover Little Joe\u2019s bare feet. He stirred up the dying embers and put another log on the fire. Then, he sat down on the hearth, waiting, until the boy\u2019s eyelids began to droop. He considered briefly putting the whiskey away, but he decided to leave it in case Joe wanted a bit more. He knew Mister Ben\u2019s views, but he also knew that, under the circumstances, Mister Ben would have no objection. They understood each other, he and Mister Ben.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Adam gave the Cartwrights\u2019 long-time cook, housekeeper and friend a considered look. \u201cYou, uh, wouldn\u2019t happen to know how the kid ended up with the whiskey, would you?\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n For the briefest instant, something flashed in Hop Sing\u2019s eyes. Then, the little man stomped his foot. \u201cHop Sing not have time for foolishness. Breakfast ready. Now!\u201d He flung himself toward the kitchen, pigtail flying, as Adam and Hoss exchanged a knowing smile.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n * * * * * * * * * *<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201c.\u00a0.\u00a0. and we commit the soul of Samuel David Munson to Your eternal care, O Lord,\u201d intoned the minister.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cAmen,\u201d came the gathered murmur.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Ben stole a glance at his youngest son, who stood just out of reach. His jacket was buttoned all the way up in spite of the warm June sunshine. His jaw was set, his eyes were dry, and his knuckles were white as he clutched his hat. He hadn\u2019t once looked away from the grave throughout the service.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Now, as people began to move, Joe approached Sam\u2019s mother. Ben couldn\u2019t hear what his son said, but Ella Munson gathered him in her arms as tears ran down her face.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Ben stepped forward to shake Jake Munson\u2019s hand. \u201cHe was a fine boy,\u201d Ben said. \u201cWe were proud to have known him.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cThank you, Ben,\u201d said Sam\u2019s father. He looked over at Joe and stepped closer. \u201cIt was an accident,\u201d he said quietly. \u201cWe know that.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Ben nodded. \u201cThank you, Jake.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cMake sure the boy knows,\u201d said Jake.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Ben nodded again. On another day, he might have suggested that the words would be more meaningful coming from Jake, but the man had just buried his son. No one had the right to ask more of him.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Hoss and Adam stepped forward. Jake reached out to both at once, taking their hands. \u201cThank you both for all you did,\u201d he said.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cWe\u2019re sorry we couldn\u2019t have done more,\u201d said Adam.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cYou did all anyone could have\u2014you and the others, and especially Little Joe.\u201d The bereaved father squeezed their hands. \u201cThank you.\u201d He turned to speak to another mourner, and the Cartwrights looked around for Joe.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cHe was just here,\u201d said Ben, perplexed. Someone else was holding Ella Munson now. Robbie and Susan Munson, Sam\u2019s younger brother and sister, were being held by other ladies as they wept.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cThere he is,\u201d said Adam. He nodded toward the horses, where Joe had already mounted. He opened his mouth to shout for Joe to wait, but in the next instant, he stopped himself. He couldn\u2019t yell at a funeral. Instead, he hurried over to where his brother was about to ride off. \u201cYou could wait for the rest of us,\u201d he said, grabbing the bridle of Joe\u2019s pinto.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m going for a ride,\u201d said Joe.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Ben and Hoss reached them in time to hear Joe\u2019s statement. \u201cHop Sing\u2019s going to have lunch ready,\u201d said Ben.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m not hungry,\u201d said Joe.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cJoseph.\u201d Ben\u2019s voice was gentle, but firm. \u201cYou need to eat something. You didn\u2019t have supper last night or breakfast this morning. You can ride later if you like, but for now, you\u2019re coming home with us, and you\u2019re going to eat lunch.\u201d He held the boy\u2019s gaze until Joe looked away.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m not hungry,\u201d Joe repeated, as if it would make a difference.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cSo you said,\u201d said his father. He mounted his buckskin gelding. \u201cLet\u2019s go.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cPa, please\u2014just leave me be.\u201d A tinge of desperation colored the boy\u2019s voice, but his father was unmoved.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cAfter lunch,\u201d Ben said firmly. He pretended not to notice his son\u2019s glare. Little Joe was upset, and he knew that, but he also knew that if Joe were left to his own devices, the boy could forget to eat for days on end. There might not be much else a father could do at a time like this, but at least he could get a meal into his son.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Or so he thought. An hour later, Joe had ridden out again, the food on his plate barely touched. The others sat at the table, listening to the receding hoofbeats, as Joe\u2019s beef and potatoes cooled.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cWhat do we do now?\u201d asked Adam after what seemed an eternity.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cWe let him go,\u201d said Ben. \u201cWe let him grieve.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cI don\u2019t know, Pa,\u201d said Hoss. \u201cI don\u2019t like this. He ain\u2019t\u2014well, he ain\u2019t actin\u2019 like himself.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cHe just saw his best friend buried,\u201d said Ben. \u201cTwenty-four hours ago, they were having themselves a fine old time, and now that boy is dead. I don\u2019t expect that Joe even knows how he feels right now.\u201d He looked from one son to the other. \u201cI\u2019m sure you remember what it was like for you when Marie died,\u201d he said. His third wife had died just as suddenly as Sam Munson. Her horse stumbled and fell, and she died of a broken neck in her husband\u2019s arms, barely ten yards from their front door.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n But Adam shook his head. \u201cI had two little brothers to take care of,\u201d he said. \u201cI didn\u2019t have the luxury of worrying about how I felt. I was numb, just going from one task to the next. It wasn\u2019t until later that it began to sink in.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Hoss nodded. \u201cLittle Joe didn\u2019t know what was happening, so he kept pestering me to tell him,\u201d he said. \u201cAll I mainly remember from that first week was feeling scared that I was gonna let you and Mama down by not protectin\u2019 him from what was going on.\u201d He sipped his water, remembering. \u201cThen, when he started to understand, he just kept cryin\u2019 and cryin\u2019, and that was when I finally cried, too.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cBut it\u2019s different, Pa,\u201d said Adam. \u201cLosing a parent\u2014there\u2019s nothing that compares with that.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cI know,\u201d said Ben. He refrained from telling them that losing a wife\u2014lover, companion, beloved, friend\u2014compared, and then some. Hopefully, they would never have to find this out for themselves. He forced himself back to his original point. \u201cBut this kind of sudden loss of someone you love\u2014it takes time just to get your balance back after that, never mind trying to have civil conversations.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cJake Munson seemed to be handling matters very well today,\u201d commented Adam as he refilled his coffee cup. He held up the pot in question, but Ben and Hoss both shook their heads.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cJake Munson is a very strong man,\u201d said Ben. \u201cAnd he\u2019s older, and wiser, than your young brother.\u201d He drained his coffee cup and stood. \u201cI\u2019m not saying we shouldn\u2019t be keeping a close eye on Little Joe. I\u2019m just saying that this is all new for him, and we need to give him some room to sort things out.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cI reckon you\u2019re right, Pa,\u201d said Hoss reluctantly.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Adam shrugged, also rising. \u201cI guess there\u2019s not much else we can do.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Ben smiled. \u201cDon\u2019t worry,\u201d he said. \u201cHe\u2019s going to be fine. Now, why don\u2019t the two of you get back out and finish those fences? Maybe if there\u2019s time, you can even look around for a few strays.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n The older Cartwright brothers exchanged a quick look and a smile. They knew what \u201cstrays\u201d their father was interested in finding.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cSure thing, Pa,\u201d said Adam. \u201cCome on, Younger Brother.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Ben watched his elder sons head out. As the door closed behind them, his smile faded. He knew all too well the kind of ache in Little Joe\u2019s heart. And even though he knew he was right about giving the boy space to grieve, everything in him wanted to go after his son and hold him as tightly as he could.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n * * * * * * * * * *<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Laughter and shouts, hoofbeats and firecrackers, filled the hot summer air. Clem Watson was trying to be heard as he explained the course for the Founders Day race. \u201cOut of town on C\u00a0Street, out to that old oak tree half a mile outside of town that got struck by lightning last year, go around it with the tree on your right, and back here by the same route. Everybody ready?\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Adam sat lightly in the black horse\u2019s saddle, his eyes fixed on Clem so intently that no one would have known how much he\u2019d have given to be cheering this horse to victory from the sidelines.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n The sidelines which, by the way, included just about every spectator in town except his youngest brother.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Joe had spent all summer training this horse for the race. At least once a day, Ponderosa hands saw the mare racing along the road, Little Joe bent low over her neck. He\u2019d gone on and on about how fast she was until his brothers threatened to dunk him in the horse trough if he didn\u2019t shut up. Unflapped, he\u2019d entered her in the race the day entries opened, cautioning them to get their bets in early if they wanted to win big on her.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n But a week later, Sam Munson drowned. After that, if Joe rode the mare again, no one saw him. A few days passed, and Adam took to working her, hoping that Joe would show an interest if he saw someone else riding her\u2014dog in the manger, and all that. But if Joe knew or cared that Adam was riding the little black horse, he gave no sign.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n A couple nights earlier, on a day when Joe actually came home for supper, Ben asked casually if the mare was ready for the race. \u201cI saw you riding her this afternoon,\u201d he said to Adam. \u201cShe\u2019s looking mighty fine.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cI think she\u2019ll hold her own,\u201d said Adam, carefully not looking at his youngest brother. \u201cOf course, she\u2019s a little on the small side, but she seems to be all right with me riding her.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Hoss was never any good at subterfuge. \u201cHey, Joe, mebbe you should ride her,\u201d he said. \u201cI bet she\u2019d be sure to win then.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Joe looked up briefly from his untouched plate. \u201cI don\u2019t think so,\u201d he said.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cYou know, if you wanted to ride her in the race, it would be all right with me,\u201d ventured Adam.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Joe favored him with the briefest of glances. \u201cYou go ahead,\u201d he said. \u201cI don\u2019t reckon I\u2019m going to be there anyway.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cWhere are you planning to be?\u201d asked Ben. His voice was deliberately steady as he tried to mask his alarm.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cNot in town,\u201d said Joe simply. He laid down his fork. \u201cMay I be excused?\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cYou\u2019ve barely eaten anything,\u201d said Ben. It had become the common state of affairs. The boy\u2019s shirts were starting to hang off his skinny shoulders.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cI ate plenty,\u201d said Joe. \u201cI don\u2019t want anything else.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cHop Sing made peach pie,\u201d offered Hoss hopefully. \u201cFirst peaches of the season. It smelled mighty good.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cYou can have my piece,\u201d said Joe. \u201cI\u2019m not hungry.\u201d He looked to his father, clearly unwilling to ask twice.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Ben watched his son. Fourteen years old. Neither hay nor grass, boy nor man. Still, too old to be forced to stay at the table until he cleaned his plate, but that was exactly what Ben wanted to tell him: You can\u2019t leave the table until you finish your supper. <\/em>He supposed he was fortunate that his early attempts to drill manners in the boy had succeeded enough that Joe was still asking, rather than simply leaving, but the request meant little if there was no reasonable way to deny it.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n In the next instant, Ben had made up his mind. He looked from Adam to Hoss. \u201cWould you two excuse us, please? Your brother and I need to talk.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cOf course,\u201d said Adam, rising. Hoss looked apprehensively from his father to his brother, but neither noticed.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n The front door closed behind them, and still Joe hadn\u2019t looked up from his plate. \u201cJoseph,\u201d said Ben. \u201cJoe, look at me.\u201d Joe looked up, watery defiance in his eyes. Not all that long ago, those eyes would have flashed fire. Ben reached out and laid his hand on the boy\u2019s arm. \u201cI know you\u2019re hurting,\u201d he said. \u201cBelieve me, I know how you feel.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Little Joe looked startled, as if this was the last thing he\u2019d expected to hear. For just an instant, his chin quivered, and Ben wondered if he might finally talk. But in the next moment, Joe had himself in hand again.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cThen you know that I just want to be left alone,\u201d he said. \u201cIt\u2019s nothing against you or Hoss or Adam. I just\u2014I just need to be by myself for a while.\u201d He took up his fork and stabbed at the piece of pork on his plate, conveniently moving his arm from his father\u2019s reach.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cIt\u2019s not good to shut yourself off from everyone,\u201d Ben said. \u201cWe care about you, and we want to help you.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cYou left after Mama died,\u201d said Little Joe. It sounded like an accusation.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Ben drew a deep breath as he nodded his acknowledgement. \u201cThat\u2019s true,\u201d he admitted. \u201cI shouldn\u2019t have done it, but I did. And you and your brothers paid a heavy price for that.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cI want to go away,\u201d said Joe as if his father hadn\u2019t spoken. He laid down his fork, waiting.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cNo,\u201d said Ben. The boy bristled, but before he could argue, Ben said, \u201cI need you here now. We\u2019ve got too much work to do, and we can\u2019t spare anybody.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Joe met his father\u2019s eyes hard. \u201cIf I\u2019d been the one to die, you\u2019d have managed.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Only by a massive effort did Ben keep his face immobile and his voice steady. \u201cWe wouldn\u2019t have had a choice,\u201d he said. \u201cBut, thank God, we do have a choice, and we need you here.\u201d He reached again for Joe\u2019s arm, and this time, he held firm. \u201cTalk to me, boy,\u201d he said. \u201cSomething\u2019s eating at you, and it\u2019s more than just Sam dying.\u201d He waited, but Joe remained silent. \u201cWe\u2019ve never had a problem talking before,\u201d he said. \u201cTell me. What\u2019s tearing you apart now?\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cNothing.\u201d Joe tried to pull his arm away, but his father held firm.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cIt was an accident,\u201d said Ben. \u201cIt wasn\u2019t your fault. There\u2019s nothing you could have done differently that would have changed what happened.\u201d Joe closed his eyes, and for a moment, Ben thought that the dam might finally break.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n But in the next instant, Little Joe was in control again. \u201cI don\u2019t want to talk about it,\u201d he said. \u201cMay I just be excused?\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Defeated, Ben nodded. He released Joe\u2019s arm, and the boy leapt to his feet. As he reached the corner, Ben said, \u201cJoseph.\u201d His son stopped, half-turning back. \u201cDon\u2019t be late. We\u2019ve got a lot of work to do in the morning.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cYes, sir.\u201d The door slammed behind Little Joe, and Ben dropped his head into his hands. Maybe\u2014just maybe\u2014the boy would come to the race anyway. At this point, it was all he could think of to tempt his son back to normalcy.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n And now, Adam was astride the little black mare. Ben forced himself to smile and call out encouragement, but they all knew it was a lost race. Adam was too big for that horse. She needed a rider who was smaller and lighter if she was to run her fastest race. She needed Little Joe.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Don\u2019t we all,<\/em> Ben reflected. He looked up as Hoss joined him.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cAin\u2019t seen hide nor hair of him,\u201d the big man said.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cWell, he said he wasn\u2019t going to be here,\u201d said Ben as if he, too, hadn\u2019t been hoping.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cI reckon he told the truth,\u201d said Hoss. He lifted his voice, calling out, \u201cCome on, Adam, you ride that little mare!\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Adam touched the brim of his hat in acknowledgement. As Clem raised his gun, Adam returned his focus to the race. He knew he didn\u2019t have the chance of a snowball in July, but Joe wasn\u2019t going to be able to say that he hadn\u2019t done his best.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n The pistol cracked, and the horses leapt forward. The crowd cheered as the hooves thundered through the streets, leaving the town behind as they headed out to the oak tree.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Adam kicked the mare\u2019s sides, nudging her forward. She was a fast little thing, all right. If she\u2019d had Joe riding her, she might well have won this race. He brought her up on the right-hand side of the road so that she\u2019d have the shortest track around the tree.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n As they curved around the tree, Adam looked up to make sure he had room, and he caught sight of something. He couldn\u2019t be sure\u2014it had all happened too fast\u2014but he\u2019d have sworn he saw someone small and slight standing in the shadows of the trees, some fifty feet away. He couldn\u2019t have said who it was, but his heart pounded at the thought that, just maybe, his little brother had come after all.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cCome on, girl!\u201d he yelled, kicking for all he was worth. He hollered like Indians were following him as he bent low over the mare\u2019s neck, not caring about the dust flying or the sun hot on his back. If Joe had indeed come out for the race, he was by God going to see a race worth coming out for.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n The noise of the hooves increased as they raced through the town. The finish line was in sight now. \u201cCome on, girl, come on!\u201d Adam shouted over the cheers of the crowd. Sweat was dripping in his eyes, but he didn\u2019t dare take time to wipe it away. The cheers became a solid wall of sound, and he slowed the mare, his chest heaving nearly as hard as her flanks.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cCongratulations, son!\u201d Ben shook Adam\u2019s hand, grinning broadly. \u201cRemarkable race!\u201d He petted the horse\u2019s sweaty neck.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cDadburnit it, I never thought you was gonna do it!\u201d Hoss pounded his brother\u2019s arm delightedly. \u201cWhen I saw you come flyin\u2019 in like that, I thought mebbe you\u2019d seen a ghost!\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Adam looked from his father to his brother. For a moment, he didn\u2019t want to say anything. Then, he said, \u201cMaybe I did.\u201d At their perplexed looks, he said, \u201cI\u2019m not sure\u2014but I thought that, just maybe, I saw Joe out near the oak tree.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Ben\u2019s face lit up. \u201cYou really think it might have been him?\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Adam rested his hand on Ben\u2019s shoulder. \u201cI don\u2019t know,\u201d he said. \u201cI just saw him for a second, but\u2014well, whoever it was was the right size, and he was back in the shadows like he didn\u2019t want anybody to see him. So yes, it might have been Joe.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cThere, you see? I knew he\u2019d come back!\u201d Hoss pounded on Adam\u2019s arm again.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cHey, would you stop that?\u201d Adam rubbed his arm. \u201cI\u2019ve got to rub this horse down.\u201d He swung out of the saddle and loosened the cinch. He looked again from his brother to his father. \u201cI\u2019m not sure,\u201d he said again.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cBut it might have been Joe,\u201d said Ben. Please, let it have been Little Joe.<\/em><\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cIt might have been,\u201d Adam conceded. He led the horse through the streets as bets were paid off, men drifted back into saloons, and Ben and Hoss stood in the midst of it all, wondering and hoping.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n * * * * * * * * * *<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Joe stood beside the tree long after the riders had headed back into town. So, Adam was in the lead. Good for him. He\u2019d been griping about being too big for Jewel, but the little horse was tougher than she looked.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Not until after the judges who were to supervise the turn had set themselves in their buggy and headed back to town did Joe move from his hiding place. He wondered how the race turned out. He wondered if Adam had made good on his attempt to win.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Slowly, he stepped into the stirrup and settled himself in the saddle. Once upon a time, before Sam drowned, Joe used to swing-mount all the time, his boots never touching the stirrups until he was seated. Now, he didn\u2019t feel up to such a strenuous act. He just mounted like everybody else. No reason not to.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n He watched the road into town. The dust behind the riders and the buggy had settled. It occurred to him that, if he were to go into town, he could find his father and brothers. Regardless of how the race had turned out, they\u2019d be pleased to see him. He closed his eyes, picturing their delight if he came riding up. Then, he opened his eyes and urged Cochise in the other direction, away from town. He just couldn\u2019t do it. Too much work.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n He hadn\u2019t planned it, but he found himself heading down toward the lake. If Sam hadn\u2019t died, there might have been a whole group of them there\u2014Charlie and Seth, Billy and Albert, Enos and Clyde, along with Joe and Sam. Depending on what everybody was able to finagle, they might even have had some girls there\u2014Mary Beth and Harriet and Daisy and Flossie. They were good girls, adventurous but still ladies, and while nothing untoward would have taken place, their presence would have made the unchaperoned party something unusual and exciting and even a little bit dangerous, if only because every last one of them would have been tanned something fierce if their pas had found out.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n But nobody was here now, because Sam was dead. All their friends had been at the funeral, and Joe knew they\u2019d all wanted to ask questions, but he\u2019d managed to avoid them. He didn\u2019t know what to say, anyway. What was there to say? They both jumped into the water, but Joe was alive and Sam was dead. It was the kind of truth that made a man\u2019s blood run cold, because there wasn\u2019t a thing he could do about it, before or since.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Cochise picked his way carefully down the trail to the familiar clearing. Joe dismounted, looping the pinto\u2019s reins around a branch and loosening his cinch. The horse\u2019s gentle snort brought the slightest hint of a smile to the boy\u2019s lips. He ruffled the coarse hair of the pinto\u2019s mane, and then he started down the path to the shore.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n It looked almost exactly as it had four weeks earlier. The green of summer was giving way to reds and yellows and browns, and the path was nearly covered in fallen leaves, but nothing else had changed. The breeze still rustled the remaining leaves. The waves still lapped at the shore. He saw the rock where Adam had set him and wrapped the blanket around him and someone had given him whiskey as they waited for Hoss to bring Sam\u2019s body out of the water. He sat on that rock now, and it took a minute before he understood that he was waiting for a different ending this time.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cWhy?\u201d Joe wasn\u2019t usually one to talk to himself, especially out loud, but there was nobody to hear. He thought again of the freckle-faced boy with straight dark hair and piercing blue eyes who was so fearless.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n The first time Sam had suggested jumping from that tree, they\u2019d been twelve and Sam thought it sounded like great fun. He\u2019d chortled at Little Joe\u2019s flimsy excuses until Joe had no choice but to climb up after him. Then, once they were up on the branch, Joe looked down, and terror clutched his throat.<\/em><\/p>\n \u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cI can\u2019t do it,\u201d he squeaked. He clutched the trunk of the tree. <\/em><\/p>\n \u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cSure, you can,\u201d said Sam. \u201cYou just gotta get out far enough on the branch, and then you jump. Go feet first, and you\u2019ll be fine.\u201d <\/em><\/p>\n \u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cI can\u2019t.\u201d Joe was shaking. He\u2019d never been up so high in a tree. He didn\u2019t like high places anyway, and jumping out of a perfectly good tree sounded like the stupidest damned thing in the world. He stole a quick glance down. His stomach lurched, and he squeezed his eyes shut as tight as he could.<\/em><\/p>\n \u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cCome on, Joe,\u201d said Sam. \u201cI\u2019ll jump if you will.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n \u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cI can\u2019t!\u201d Even his voice was shaking now. He didn\u2019t care if Sam thought he was a baby. He\u2019d never been so scared in his life.<\/em><\/p>\n \u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n Then, he felt a hand on his shoulder. \u201cIt\u2019s okay, Joe,\u201d said Sam. \u201cYou don\u2019t have to if you don\u2019t want to.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n \u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n He could feel tears leaking out from under his closed lids. \u201cLeave me alone,\u201d he whispered.<\/em><\/p>\n \u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cSorry, can\u2019t do that,\u201d said Sam matter-of-factly. \u201cLet\u2019s sit down.\u201d Astounded, Little Joe opened his eyes. With a grace and agility Joe could only dream of, Sam sat down on the branch. \u201cCome on, sit down,\u201d he urged. \u201cDon\u2019t worry, I\u2019ve got you.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n \u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n Ever so slowly and awkwardly, clinging to the trunk and with Sam holding onto him, Joe lowered himself to sit on the branch. Once settled, he was afraid to move. Out of the corner of his eye, he said, \u201cWhat do we do now?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n \u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cWe sit here and relax,\u201d said Sam. A fellow would have thought Sam was sitting on that bench in front of the barber shop for all he seemed to care. <\/em><\/p>\n \u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n They sat in the tree for what seemed like a long time. The breeze rustled through the branches, and Joe startled when a bird darted in front of his face. Finally, Sam said, \u201cWhat do you want to do?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n \u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n Joe rested his head miserably against the trunk. \u201cI don\u2019t know,\u201d he lied. He did know. He wanted to be on the ground, safe and secure. He just didn\u2019t know how to manage it.<\/em><\/p>\n \u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cYou\u2019ve jumped from the rocks out there,\u201d Sam pointed out. \u201cThis ain\u2019t that much higher.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n \u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cBut those are rocks,\u201d said Little Joe. \u201cThat ain\u2019t like a branch!\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n \u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n \u201c\u2019Cause you can fall off a branch?\u201d suggested Sam. Joe bit his lip and nodded. \u201cTell you what,\u201d said Sam. \u201cWe\u2019ll jump together. That way, neither one of us falls off.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n \u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cOr we both do,\u201d said Joe, uncomfortably aware that he sounded like Adam.<\/em><\/p>\n \u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cWell, I ain\u2019t gonna fall off, so if you hold onto me, you won\u2019t fall, either,\u201d said Sam logically. He rested a hand on Joe\u2019s shoulder and pushed up to a standing position, reaching as he did for the branch above him. \u201cWhat do you think? Wanna try it?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n \u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n Joe sat still for a minute. Sam was trying to hard to make it his choice, but the fact was that he couldn\u2019t climb down the way he\u2019d come. The only way to get down was to jump. Cursing his idiocy in making this climb in the first place, Joe clung to the trunk as he got to his feet. \u201cYou\u2019d better not let go,\u201d he warned.<\/em><\/p>\n \u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cI won\u2019t,\u201d Sam promised. \u201cHold onto me with your right hand and the branch over your head with your left.\u201d Joe did so. \u201cNow, come with me out on the branch, and whatever you do, don\u2019t look down until I say to. Got it?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n \u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cGot it,\u201d whispered Little Joe. Please, God, don\u2019t let me die, he thought. He gripped Sam\u2019s hand tightly as they edged out toward the water. <\/em><\/p>\n \u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n Finally, Sam turned to him. \u201cYou ready?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n \u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n Joe managed a weak grin. \u201cNo, but let\u2019s go.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n \u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cOn three, and make sure you jump out toward the middle of the lake, not straight down, and take a big breath before you hit the water\u201d said Sam. \u201cReady? One, two, THREE!\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n \u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n And then, they were plummeting down, down, down. Frothy bubbles churned all around them, and Joe kicked and fought like a madman, working his way up to the surface. When at last he broke through, he took in the cool, moist air as if he\u2019d been deprived of it for days. <\/em><\/p>\n \u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cSo? What did you think?\u201d Sam grinned triumphantly, his hair almost hiding his eyes.<\/em><\/p>\n \u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n Joe hauled off and slugged Sam in the arm. \u201cThat\u2019s what I think,\u201d he said flatly.<\/em><\/p>\n \u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n Sam just laughed. \u201cYou had fun,\u201d he accused, rubbing his arm. \u201cAdmit it. You liked it.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n \u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019d never say any such thing,\u201d insisted Little Joe, but somehow, Sam was right. Being up in the tree had nearly scared the stuffing out of him, but something about the jump itself made his heart pound in a way that had nothing to do with being afraid. He slugged Sam again, and once more for good measure. Then, he said, \u201cWant to do it again?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n \u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n And Sam laughed and laughed, and the two friends started the swim back to shore.<\/em><\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cI shouldn\u2019t have let him go back up,\u201d Joe said aloud. \u201cIt was my fault.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cHe was pretty headstrong,\u201d came a voice from behind. Joe\u2019s head shot around, and he saw Sam\u2019s pa standing there, half-smiling the same way Sam used to.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Joe scrambled to his feet. \u201cSorry, Mr. Munson, I didn\u2019t know you were there,\u201d he said.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cSit, sit,\u201d said Mr. Munson. He lowered himself to sit on one of the logs, and Joe resumed his seat on the rock, watching the older man.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cSam loved water,\u201d Mr. Munson said presently. \u201cFrom the time he was a little thing, he was always trying to get into water. The only child I ever knew who liked to take a bath.\u201d He gazed out over the lake, its surface gently rippled in the breeze. \u201cHe was barely old enough to walk when I taught him how to swim,\u201d he mused. \u201cHis mother thought he was too young, but you\u2019re never too young to learn how to swim.\u201d A hawk soared overhead, its wings motionless. Almost too low for Joe to hear, Sam\u2019s pa said, \u201cI thought if he knew how to swim, he\u2019d be safe in the water.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Joe swallowed hard. He wanted to say something\u2014anything\u2014to reassure Sam\u2019s pa that Sam hadn\u2019t died because of anything his pa had or hadn\u2019t done. It wasn\u2019t your fault. <\/em>The words chased around in his brain, but he couldn\u2019t make himself say them out loud.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Finally, Jake Munson pressed his hands on his knees to get to his feet. \u201cI should be getting home,\u201d he said. \u201cAnd so should you. Your pa will be worried.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Joe shook his head as he stood. \u201cPa\u2019s in town for the celebration,\u201d he said. \u201cHe won\u2019t be looking for me.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cDon\u2019t be so sure,\u201d said Mr. Munson. \u201cGo home, Little Joe.\u201d He adjusted his hat and moved stiffly as he mounted his horse and rode off.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n The air was cool and the sun was setting when Joe finally forced himself to tighten Cochise\u2019s cinch and step into the stirrup. If Pa and his brothers were at home, he\u2019d missed supper, but they might not be home from town yet. He hoped they\u2019d stayed. They deserved to have a nice day.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n When he came into view of the house, he reined in his horse. Warm, welcoming lights shown from nearly every window. The house beckoned him to come and sit, to surrender to its comfort and safety. It all but promised him that within its walls, all would be well.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Except that Joe knew better. There was no truly safe place, not really. No matter where you went or what you did, good people died, and the best anybody could do wasn\u2019t good enough.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cI thought if he knew how to swim, he\u2019d be safe in the water.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n <\/p>\n Poor Mr. Munson<\/em>, Joe thought. It was so clear now. Sam shouldn\u2019t have died. It was a terrible, horrible mistake. It shouldn\u2019t have been Sam.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n It should have been Joe.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n * * * * * * * * * *<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Ben was pouring coffee as Hoss came down the stairs. The big man took his place at the breakfast table, accepting the coffee pot with a grunt of thanks.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cHe ain\u2019t in his room,\u201d he said without preamble.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cI know,\u201d said Ben wearily. He\u2019d checked on his way downstairs.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cDid he even come home last night?\u201d asked Adam as he spooned eggs onto his plate.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cEventually,\u201d said Ben. He\u2019d waited up for his wayward son. When Little Joe finally came in, it was nearly eleven o\u2019clock, and they were both too tired to have it out.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Whatever this was, it had to stop. The boy was wearing himself to a frazzle doing heaven only knew what. He was out of the house before the others were up, and half the time, he didn\u2019t come in until they were asleep. He\u2019d honored his father\u2019s prohibition against going away, but in letter only\u2014he was here, but he might just as well not have been. He did the tasks assigned to him, but he did his utmost to stay as far away from everyone else as he could manage, and he was as terse as he could be without being downright rude.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Nothing seemed to bring him any pleasure. Time was when Little Joe Cartwright would have spent his spare time whooping down at the corral, breaking broncs or cheering on those who did, and then he\u2019d have gone off to visit friends or maybe spark a girl. Instead, he watched with dull eyes as other hands broke the broncs, and he didn\u2019t seem to care if he got a chance or not. He turned down all invitations to accompany anybody to town. If he\u2019d even spoken to a girl, nobody knew of it. After church on Sundays, where he\u2019d once been the despair of his father with his unabashed flirting right in front of the house of the Lord, he stood silently beside the buggy until his family was ready to go, barely acknowledging any greetings and initiating none.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n They\u2019d tried to talk to him, all of them, but they\u2019d gotten nowhere. Ben tried to think of somewhere he might send Joe to get away\u2014maybe to an old friend who might welcome a young visitor\u2014but he couldn\u2019t think of anyone who was equipped to handle the boy when he was in this frame of mind.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cYou figure you\u2019ll finish those fences up at Buckhorn Meadow this week?\u201d Ben asked as he poured himself a second cup of coffee.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cDepends,\u201d said Adam. At his father\u2019s raised eyebrow, he clarified, \u201cOn whether Joe\u2019s around to help.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cWhat are you talking about?\u201d Ben set down his cup. \u201cHasn\u2019t he been doing his work?\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Hoss shot a glare at Adam. \u201cMostly,\u201d he said. \u201cBut he\u2019s been helpin\u2019 out over at Munsons\u2019 a fair bit, too, so he ain\u2019t always around.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cI didn\u2019t know that,\u201d said Ben. \u201cHe hasn\u2019t said anything about it to me.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cHe hasn\u2019t said anything to anybody,\u201d said Adam. \u201cWe only found out because Jake Munson happened to mention it last week when we ran into him in town. I guess Joe\u2019s been trying to help him pick up the slack by doing some of Sam\u2019s chores.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Ben considered this as he bit into a piece of toast. His first instinct was to be proud of his son for helping out, but somehow, this news had a darker feel. \u201cHow long has he been going over there?\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Adam shrugged. \u201cI don\u2019t know,\u201d he said. \u201cJake just mentioned it in passing\u2014he seemed to think we knew. Said he hoped it was okay that Joe was spending so much time there and that he appreciated the help until he can hire somebody. I guess Robbie and Susan are trying, but they\u2019re just too young to do some of what Joe\u2019s doing.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Hoss nodded. \u201cIf I remember right, I think Robbie\u2019s only about eight, and Susie\u2019s maybe a year older. They couldn\u2019t do the kind of work Sam and Joe could do, not yet.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Ben drained his coffee cup. \u201cWell, if they need the help and Joe\u2019s willing, I don\u2019t suppose there\u2019s anything we can say,\u201d he commented. \u201cLet me know how far you get on those fences. If we need to, we can send another man up there with you.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cPa.\u201d Hoss\u2019s normally genial expression was somber. \u201cHow long you figure we should let him keep goin\u2019 over there?\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Ben looked from one son to the other. He saw his own discomfort mirrored in their faces. There was something about Joe spending so much time at the Munsons\u2019 that just didn\u2019t feel right, especially with the boy keeping it a secret. And yet, how could they object? Little Joe wanted to help a neighbor who needed him. How could they say he shouldn\u2019t go?<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cYou said that Jake\u2019s looking to hire, right?\u201d he asked. At Adam\u2019s nod, he said, \u201cOnce he finds somebody, he won\u2019t be needing Joe anymore. So, I suppose we should just let Joe keep going over there until Jake hires a new hand.\u201d He folded his napkin and rose, adding, \u201cI\u2019m heading into town this morning. If I hear of anybody looking for work, I may be able to steer them over to Jake.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Hoss frowned as he dropped his napkin on the table. \u201cPa, it ain\u2019t that we don\u2019t think Joe should be helping out,\u201d he said as he stood. \u201cIt\u2019s just\u2014\u201d Words failed the big man, and he looked helplessly to his older brother, who shrugged.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cI know,\u201d said Ben. There was something disconcerting, almost macabre, in the notion of Joe stepping into Sam\u2019s place this way. He shook his head quickly to dispel such thoughts. His boy wanted to help, and that was admirable. He would focus on that.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n And hopefully, he would find a new man for the Munsons, and Joe would come home.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n * * * * * * * * *<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cOkay, put it on,\u201d said Jake Munson. Quickly, Joe slid the wheel onto the wagon axle and slipped the pin in place to hold it. With a grunt, Jake set down the wagon. He straightened, wiping his hands on his leather apron. \u201cWell, Little Joe, I\u2019m much obliged for your help,\u201d he said. He looked up at the sun, assessing the passage of the morning. \u201cI suppose it\u2019s time for you to head over to the Ponderosa.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cI can stay here and give you a hand if you need one,\u201d said Joe quickly. He turned to pick up the tools, adding, \u201cI\u2019m sure there are enough hands to take care of everything over there.\u201d Jake didn\u2019t say anything, and Joe turned to face him. \u201cI can stay here as long as you need me,\u201d he said.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Jake Munson eyed the boy. As much as he appreciated the help, he couldn\u2019t get past the feeling that there was more going on here than just a neighbor helping out. For nearly three weeks, ever since he\u2019d met up with Joe down at the lake, Joe had been over here at all sorts of odd times, doing the chores that Sam used to do, and more. He was helping Robbie get that calf ready for the fair, and he praised Susan\u2019s clumsy attempts at pie-baking to high heaven. Almost like he was their big brother,<\/em> Jake reflected.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n The thought stabbed his heart. A man never got used to losing a child, but when it was his first-born, his son, the one who was to follow in his footsteps . . . well, he figured that was probably the worst. Everything about the first one was etched in his memory. Ella whispering in his ear that she was with child. Pacing on the porch until he heard the infant\u2019s indignant cry. Those unfocused slate-blue eyes in that red wrinkled face. Watching the baby turn into a little boy who stumbled after him, wanting to do everything his pa did. Listening to his chatter as they milked cows and repaired the chicken coop and cleaned out the barn. Reaching out his hand so Sam could place in it the nails or tools that he needed to shoe a horse or fix a door or do any of a thousand other ranch chores. Holding Sam in front of him in the saddle, and then walking beside the pony as his boy learned to balance. Watching as Sam did all the same things with his little brother and sister.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Teaching Sam to swim.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Jake didn\u2019t realize that he\u2019d just been standing there, not saying anything, until Little Joe said, \u201cMr. Munson?\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Jake swallowed hard. He knew the boy meant well, and Lord knew, he needed the help. Still, every time he laid eyes on Little Joe Cartwright, he couldn\u2019t help but be reminded that Joe was alive and Sam wasn\u2019t. Like he didn\u2019t have enough reminders already, every time he looked around and his boy wasn\u2019t there. The empty place at the table. The unused cot in the corner of the other bedroom. The saddle that had grown dusty. The look in his wife\u2019s eyes.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m fine here, Joe,\u201d he said. It wasn\u2019t Joe\u2019s fault, after all. \u201cYou go on back to the Ponderosa and take care of your own chores. We\u2019ll be fine here.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cBut I can\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cGo home, Little Joe,\u201d said Jake Munson. Neither his words nor his tone were unkind, but the boy\u2019s face fell, and it was all Jake could do not to concoct some other chore just so that he could stay. But that wouldn\u2019t be good for anybody. They all needed to move on.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n And so, he said, \u201cWe\u2019re done here, boy. It\u2019s time for you to be getting on home.\u201d He patted Joe\u2019s shoulder. \u201cI thank you for your help. Now, you go on.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cYes, sir.\u201d Little Joe\u2019s voice was barely audible, but Jake Munson nodded his thanks and picked up the bucket of grease, signaling that the conversation was over.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n * * * * * * * * * *<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Joe didn\u2019t know why he went down to the lake instead of heading off to find his brothers. There was work to do, and he knew it. But instead of heading up to Buckhorn Meadow, he found himself riding down the trail to the lake.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n I\u2019ll just stay a minute,<\/em> he promised himself. He dismounted and loosened Cochise\u2019s cinch, and the pinto blew out his breath as he dropped his head to graze.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n The sun on the water was so bright that it was like somebody was holding a mirror out there. He squinted, but it did little to soften the light. Without thinking, he settled himself on the rock that had become his habitual seat, and he gazed into the blinding light as though it was some form of penance.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n But it was only a few minutes before he closed his eyes, dropping his head. He rubbed his closed lids in an attempt to soothe his aching eyes. Fool,<\/em> he thought. Now, he\u2019d probably end up with a headache that would plague him all day long, giving everybody one more reason to look at him like there was something wrong.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n The sound of hooves behind him startled him upright. He turned to see a pretty little bay pony approaching. As the horse came through the trees, he saw that the rider was a lovely red-haired girl, and his breath caught.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Hannah Sorenson.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cHello, Little Joe,\u201d she said.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cHi, Hannah,\u201d he said, getting to his feet. \u201cWhat are you doing here?\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cI just wanted to go for a ride,\u201d she said. \u201cHelp me down?\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cOf course.\u201d He reached up and lifted her from her sidesaddle. She barely came up to his nose, and she was so finely built that it almost seemed as though a man could tuck her into his pocket. Her eyes were a vibrant blue, and her curls a soft red-gold. The tiniest smattering of freckles dusted her nose. Her smile was wide and sweet and could stop a man\u2019s heart.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n She\u2019d been Sam\u2019s girl.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Well, not exactly. Sam had been sweet on her, but he\u2019d never gotten too far in letting her know that he wanted to court her. Joe had pushed him to ask her to a dance, to sit beside her at the church picnic, to ask permission to take her for a drive, but Sam had had one excuse after another. He was perfectly at ease with any other girl, but around Hannah, he got so tongue-tied that he could barely manage a cordial \u201cGood afternoon.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Little Joe had never been certain whether Hannah knew of Sam\u2019s feelings. Of course, it seemed to Joe that anybody with the slightest sense must have known, but Hannah never seemed either to encourage or discourage him. She was just as pleasant with Sam as she was with Joe and any other boy, and there was no way to know whether she favored anybody at all.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Now, as they stood together by the lake, all of Joe\u2019s social graces seemed to have flown away like the bird taking flight from the tree above their heads. He couldn\u2019t think of a single thing to say. Finally, he said, \u201cNice day, isn\u2019t it?\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Oh, that\u2019s great, Cartwright<\/em>. She\u2019s going to think you\u2019re brilliant.<\/em><\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cIt\u2019s lovely,\u201d Hannah agreed. Her cheeks pinkened ever so slightly. She turned away from Joe, walking over toward the water\u2019s edge. \u201cIt\u2019s very pretty here,\u201d she offered.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cThanks,\u201d said Joe. It was as though he\u2019d forgotten almost every word he\u2019d ever known.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Without turning to look at him, she said, \u201cThis is where Sam died, isn\u2019t it?\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n He felt like she\u2019d kicked him in the stomach. \u201cYeah,\u201d he managed after a minute.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n She turned to Joe then. \u201cDo you come down here a lot?\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Joe nodded. The last thing in the world he wanted to do was to talk to Sam\u2019s girl about Sam\u2019s death. He was about to say he had to go, but she was still talking.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cI heard about it,\u201d she said. \u201cIt must have been awful for you.\u201d She rested one small gloved hand on his chest. \u201cI heard how you kept looking for him and how your brother finally found his body. You were such a good friend to Sam. It must have been so terrible for you.\u201d Her blue eyes held his green ones, and he felt powerless to speak or to move.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Then, she stood on tiptoe and kissed him on the lips.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Shock jolted him like a lightning strike. He stared at her, and she cocked her head with a small smile.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019ve always wanted to do that,\u201d she said. \u201cI\u2019ve always liked you, ever since we were nine and you carried my lunch pail for me.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cYou did?\u201d He didn\u2019t remember carrying her lunch pail, any more than he remembered ever having the slightest reason to believe she\u2019d wanted to kiss him.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Her smile grew wider. \u201cOf course, silly,\u201d she said. \u201cDidn\u2019t you ever want to kiss me?\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n He didn\u2019t know what to say. His hand reached out to caress her cheek, and she took it as an invitation to lean in and kiss him again. This time, her arms went around his neck, and she kissed him until he began to kiss her back. His hands rested on her back, pulling her to him, and she nestled in his arms as they kissed.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Finally, she drew back. \u201cThat was nice,\u201d she said, sounding utterly content. Joe nodded, but then she continued, \u201cWe could never have done that before.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n He blinked like he was still staring into the sun. \u201cBefore what?\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cWell\u2014before\u2014I mean\u2014well, you know that Sam liked me, and even though they say all\u2019s fair in love and war, I knew you would never kiss me as long as you thought Sam wanted to, but now\u2014\u201d She broke off at the expression on his face.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Because as he stared at this pretty girl, Joe was suddenly overwhelmed by an urge to grab her and shake her. How dare she come here and stand on the shore by the lake where Sam died and talk about how it was a good thing Joe\u2019s best friend was dead because now she could kiss Joe? What would she have done if Joe had died instead of Sam? Would she have come here and kissed Sam and talked about how nice it was that Joe was out of the way?<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cSam was the best person in the world, and you don\u2019t deserve him.\u201d Joe\u2019s voice was shaking, and he swallowed hard to hold in his rage. \u201cGet on your horse, ride out of here, and never, ever come back. Do you understand?\u201d He clenched his fists as fury coursed through him.<\/p>\n She stood open-mouthed before him. \u201cGo!\u201d he shouted, and she turned and ran for her horse.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n He stood still, head bowed, as he listened to her ride away. That little tramp. How dare she come here with such intentions? And yet, what was he? The girl Sam liked appeared in front of him, and with barely a word, there he stood, kissing her. If the tables had been turned, Sam would never have done such a thing to Joe. Sam would have been a good, loyal friend. Not like Joe. Joe let his friend die, and then he kissed his girl.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Joe sank to his knees on the damp ground. He folded in on himself, clasping his head in his hands. It made no sense, none of it. Sam was dead, and Joe was alive. Why? They both jumped from the same branch. Why wasn\u2019t Joe the one who was dead? Why wasn\u2019t it Sam standing by the lake, kissing Hannah Sorenson?<\/p>\n <\/p>\n And why didn\u2019t anybody else seem to care? Didn\u2019t they realize the wrong person had died? How could they not understand? They all went about their days just like nothing had happened, talking and working and kissing people. Could Joe truly be the only one who knew there had been a terrible mistake? How else to explain why Sam, who\u2019d been swimming since he could walk and who had jumped out of that tree a hundred times, drowned?<\/p>\n <\/p>\n He didn\u2019t realize he\u2019d bowed down so far until he felt the cool mud on his arms and the backs of his hands. Part of him wanted to push down deeper, until he was buried in the mud, gone as he should have been. He and Sam, both gone, joined in death as in life.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Almost without thinking, he got to his feet. He shed his hat and boots and socks. Not bothering to undress farther, he began to climb the tree. He hadn\u2019t climbed it since that day, and he\u2019d never done it without Sam there, but he started anyway, feeling the rough bark beneath his hands and feet. He slipped once, and the rough edge of a broken branch cut into the fleshy part of his palm, but he kept going, noticing only that the blood made his grip a bit less secure.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n It seemed to take a lot longer to climb the tree alone than it had with Sam, but finally, Joe stood on the branch. It didn\u2019t feel as thick as it had before, and for a moment, he couldn\u2019t remember how to reach for the branch above to keep from falling to the ground below. Then, he inched his way up the trunk until he stood straight, and he clutched the branch above.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n He\u2019d never really looked around from up here. He had no idea how far up he was. Sam had always said not to look down, and so he never had, but Sam was gone and he could look down if he wanted. He didn\u2019t look straight down, but he looked out toward the water which glistened in between the leaves in that fluttered in a thousand different shades of green. He looked back up the hill, and through the branches, he saw a horse and rider. For an instant, his heart clutched at the thought that it might be Hannah returning, but then he saw the buckskin gelding whose stall was next to Cochise\u2019s, and he strained to see whether Pa was looking around or just riding.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Even though he stood in the tree, hidden from sight by branches and height, Joe held his breath. Don\u2019t come down here,<\/em> he begged silently. Leave me alone. <\/em>He waited, motionless, as the buckskin made its way down the leaf-covered trail to where Joe\u2019s horse was tied as though there was a chance they wouldn\u2019t notice the pinto if Joe didn\u2019t move.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cJoseph!\u201d called Pa. His commanding voice echoed across the water. \u201cJoseph! Can you hear me?\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Leave me alone,<\/em> he implored. Go home.<\/em><\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cJoseph!\u201d Pa\u2019s voice was sharp and authoritative. \u201cWhere are you?\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Joe watched as Pa\u2019s horse picked its way through the tangle of brush near the clearing. He thought about calling out to Pa\u2014but why? What earthly good would it do? So Pa would know he was here\u2014so? What could possibly be gained by that?<\/p>\n <\/p>\n He peered down, and so he saw what Pa did not: the rabbit darting through the bushes. In the next instant, it was nearly under Buck\u2019s hooves, and the horse startled and stumbled, and Pa fell from the saddle and cried out once as he rolled down the slope, coming to a too-sudden halt against a rock.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cPa!\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n For an instant, Joe stared at the scene below. Then, hardly realizing what he did, he moved out on the branch and leaped into the lake below. Frantic, he clawed at the water, churning bubbles and kicking violently until he reached the surface. A brief moment to identify the shore, and he was swimming for all he was worth.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cPa!\u201d Joe called again as he gained the shore and scrambled to his feet. \u201cPa!\u201d What had been so clear from above was a mess of bushes and trees, and he couldn\u2019t recall which path Pa had been on. \u201cPa!\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Then, he spied Buck, and he ran for the horse without noticing the stones and sticks beneath his bare feet. He pushed through the brambles, oblivious to the thorns tearing at his clothes. When he reached the wider portion of the path, he ran as though released from hell itself.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Pa lay facedown and unmoving. \u201cPa!\u201d Joe shouted as he scrambled up the trail, but there was no answer. With shaky fingers, he felt his father\u2019s neck, and it was only when he detected a pulse that he realized he\u2019d been holding his breath. \u201cPa,\u201d he whispered. Carefully, he turned Pa on his back.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Blood trickled from a wound on Pa\u2019s temple. Joe pulled off his wet shirt and wadded it up, pressing it against the wound to stop the bleeding. \u201cIt\u2019s okay, Pa,\u201d he said as though his father could hear him. \u201cYou\u2019re going to be just fine. I\u2019ll get you home, I promise. You\u2019ll be fine.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Joe didn\u2019t know how long he knelt beside his father, but the shadows were lengthening by the time Pa\u2019s eyes finally opened. \u201cJoe?\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cSsssh,\u201d said Joe. \u201cYou\u2019re going to be fine, Pa. I\u2019m going to get you home.\u201d He turned the shirt so that a different, unbloody spot pressed against the wound. \u201cWhere do you hurt?\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Pa started to try to sit up, but with a cry of pain, he fell back. \u201cMy right shoulder,\u201d he said between clenched teeth. \u201cI think\u2014I think it might be out of the joint.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Joe\u2019s stomach lurched at the thought, but he just nodded. Ever so lightly, he ran his fingers over Pa\u2019s shoulder. \u201cI think you\u2019re right,\u201d he said as if he had any idea what he was talking about. \u201cDo you want me to try to put it back, or do you want to let Doc do it?\u201d Please, wait for Doc<\/em>, he begged silently<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cYou\u2019d better do it.\u201d Pa sounded out of breath, like the pain was taking him over. Joe leaned over him so he wouldn\u2019t have to speak up, and he clenched his teeth, nodding as Pa gave him instructions.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n It took four tries, and Joe was terrified that he was doing more harm than good with each attempt, when suddenly the arm popped back into the shoulder joint. \u201cGood boy,\u201d Pa managed. Joe started to help him to sit up, but Pa murmured, \u201cWait.\u201d Joe knelt beside Pa, waiting, and finally Pa said, \u201cLet\u2019s try it.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Pa was taller and broader than Joe, and he probably outweighed his youngest son by fifty pounds or more. Joe did his best to support him as they staggered down to where the horse waited, but the path was uneven, and more than once, the older man\u2019s unsteadiness was enough to drive them both to the ground. Why hadn\u2019t he brought Buck up to where Pa was? \u201cI\u2019m sorry, Pa,\u201d Joe said each time, but it didn\u2019t seem as though Pa even heard him.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Afterward, Joe couldn\u2019t have said how he managed to get Pa onto his horse. It was clear that Pa couldn\u2019t ride alone, though, and it was equally clear that Joe didn\u2019t have the strength to hold him if he started to fall off. \u201cHold on tight,\u201d Joe instructed. He took Pa\u2019s rope and looped it through everything he could think of to secure his father to the saddle. Then, he swung up behind Pa on the buckskin and whistled for Cochise. With Buck\u2019s reins in one hand and Cooch\u2019s in the other and both arms around his father\u2019s waist, Joe clucked to the gold horse, pressing his bare heels against its sides.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n The ride from the house to the lake was normally less than an hour at an easy lope. At a painstaking walk, it took the better part of three hours. Pa\u2019s head lolled back as he drifted in and out of consciousness, and Joe struggled to keep him upright. More than once, he was grateful for the rope that held his father on the horse. His arms ached more than they ever had in his life, and he could barely feel the reins in his hands.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n By the time they rode into the yard, Joe felt as if they\u2019d been riding forever. Every inch of him screamed for relief, but he wouldn\u2019t let go. Instead, he said, \u201cWe\u2019re home, Pa.\u201d When Pa didn\u2019t move, he stopped Buck and dropped Cochise\u2019s reins. \u201cDon\u2019t worry, Pa, I\u2019ll get you down,\u201d he said. He shifted his right leg to dismount, biting his lip as the cramp in his thigh held it in place. \u201cHey!\u201d he called. \u201cWe need some help here! Somebody! Anybody!\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Hoss came out of the house. \u201cWhat the\u2014Pa!\u201d The big man hustled over to the horse. \u201cWhat happened?\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cHis horse spooked,\u201d said Joe. He sat still, holding onto Pa, as Hoss bellowed for help and began to unfasten the rope. Within moments, the yard was full of men, and Hoss was barking instructions as they gently eased Pa off the horse. \u201cWatch his shoulder,\u201d Joe warned. \u201cIt was out of joint. I had to put it back.\u201d Hoss nodded, his attention remaining on Pa, and Joe sighed with the relief of handing over the responsibility.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Adam rode in just as Hoss and the others were helping Pa into the house. \u201cWhat happened?\u201d he demanded of Joe, who remained on the back of the buckskin.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cHis horse spooked,\u201d Joe said again.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cWhere?\u201d Adam asked as though he already knew.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cDown at the lake.\u201d Joe met his eldest brother\u2019s eyes. Yes, he was there because he was looking for me,<\/em> he said in silent defiance. Yes, it\u2019s my fault he\u2019s hurt. Go ahead, blame me. It\u2019s all my fault.<\/em><\/p>\n <\/p>\n But Adam just shrugged and headed into the house, leaving Joe to slide down from the horse\u2019s broad back on his own. He stifled a yelp as one bare foot landed on a rock; he\u2019d forgotten that his boots were still down at the lake. He leaned against the horse as he tried to work the cramp out of his leg, but his arms and hands were so utterly exhausted that he could barely move his fingers.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Please be all right, Pa,<\/em> he begged. He wanted desperately to go inside, but suddenly, he didn\u2019t dare. If he did, there would be more questions about what Pa was doing, and everyone would know how Pa had been hurt because he was looking for Joe, and so it was all Joe\u2019s fault.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n With one hand, he bent the fingers of the other around the horses\u2019 reins. Slowly, painfully, he led them into the barn. He bit his lip as he tried to unfasten Buck\u2019s cinch.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cYou want me to do that?\u201d offered one of the ranch hands. It was one of the new fellows. Joe didn\u2019t know his name.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cThanks,\u201d he murmured.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cRusty went for the doc,\u201d the young cowboy offered as he unsaddled the buckskin.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cGood.\u201d All Joe wanted was to curl up and go to sleep, but the rough hay under his feet reminded him he needed to go back and get his boots. \u201cSaddle another horse for me, will you?\u201d He ignored the fellow\u2019s startled look as he tried to flex his fingers. They ached, but they moved a bit more easily now. \u201cI\u2019ll be right back,\u201d he said as he climbed clumsily into the saddle. Before the ranch hand could ask any questions, he was riding back out.<\/p>\n It didn\u2019t take nearly as long to get to the lake. His things were right where he\u2019d left them. He sat down on the moist ground to pull on his socks and boots, but suddenly, he was overwhelmed with how tired he was. Just for a second,<\/em> he promised himself as he lay back. He tried not to think about Pa, who was so badly hurt because of him. He tried not to think about the look that would burn in his brothers\u2019 eyes when he returned. He stared out at the lake water, which was a soft gray now in the late afternoon light. He couldn\u2019t figure out how one more day had gone so wrong.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Just for a second,<\/em> he thought as he closed his eyes.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n When he opened them, stars twinkled in the darkness. For a moment, he wasn\u2019t sure where he was. Then, knowledge crashed around him like waves on the shore, and he leaned over, retching. How could he have lain here on the shore, sleeping peacefully, when Pa could have been dying at home? Was there no end to what an awful person he was?<\/p>\n <\/p>\n He yanked on his socks and boots and hat. He ignored the pain in his foot as he stumbled over to the horse and managed to mount. \u201cCome on,\u201d he muttered, urging the animal up the trail. Please don\u2019t let him be dead,<\/em> Joe begged.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n And he deliberately shoved from his mind the memory of the last time he\u2019d stood on this shore and asked for exactly the same thing about Sam.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n * * * * * * * * * *<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Adam was sitting in Ben\u2019s chair, book closed in his lap, when Hoss and Joe entered the room. Hoss had been out in the barn when Joe came in. One look at the boy\u2019s face, and Hoss knew the best course of action was just to stay quiet. They\u2019d spent the evening trying to calm Pa whenever he woke up and asked for Joe, and while Hoss had been ready to clobber Joe for not being there, he could see now in his brother\u2019s eyes that it had been better this way. What Pa needed was rest, and Joe looked anything but restful.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cHe\u2019s asleep,\u201d Adam snapped. \u201cYou managed that one just right.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cAdam!\u201d Hoss remonstrated.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Joe hadn\u2019t lifted his head. He closed his eyes briefly at his brother\u2019s harsh words. \u201cDon\u2019t worry about it,\u201d he said to Hoss. Then, he looked up, meeting Adam\u2019s hard gaze. \u201cI know what you think of me,\u201d he said quietly.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Adam raised an eyebrow. \u201cReally,\u201d he drawled. \u201cWhy don\u2019t you just tell me what I think, and we\u2019ll see if you\u2019re right or wrong.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cEase up, Adam,\u201d said Hoss. The warning in his voice would have made almost any other man back off.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cIt\u2019s all right, Hoss,\u201d said Little Joe. He faced his eldest brother, his back straight. \u201cYou think I\u2019m a coward, that I\u2019m weak for not being here. You think it\u2019s my fault Pa\u2019s hurt. And you think it\u2019s my fault Sam died.\u201d He dropped his eyes, and so he didn\u2019t see Adam\u2019s anger turn to confusion.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cWhat are you talking about?\u201d Adam demanded. \u201cThat\u2019s not true, any of it. You\u2019re wrong, Joe.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m not,\u201d said Joe, not looking up. He knew the truth. He\u2019d been living with it for weeks.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n But Adam was never one to see truth that didn\u2019t agree with his way of thinking. \u201cYou\u2019re wrong,\u201d Joe\u2019s brother insisted. \u201cI don\u2019t think any of this is your fault. I know it isn\u2019t. It was an accident, that\u2019s all.\u201d He crossed the room to grab the boy by the shoulders and make him face facts. \u201cIs that what you think? That you\u2019re responsible for Sam\u2019s death?\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cLeave me alone!\u201d Joe wrenched himself free of his brother\u2019s grip. Too late, Adam understood the look in Hoss\u2019s eyes.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cJoe, listen to me\u2014\u201d Adam began.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cI said, leave me alone!\u201d Little Joe drew back his fist to swing at his brother, but Hoss caught his arm.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cEasy, now, Little Brother,\u201d he said, as calmly as if he were taming a wild range pony. He held the boy\u2019s arms behind him. Joe\u2019s breathing was harsh and his nostrils were flared. Adam had the good sense not to touch him, but Hoss could see that he wanted to.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cJoe, you need to listen to me,\u201d said Adam with deliberate calm. \u201cI don\u2019t know where you got this idea, but you couldn\u2019t be more wrong. Everybody else knows it. Pa knows it. You\u2019re the only one who thinks this.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cNo,\u201d said Joe. \u201cEverybody does.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cI don\u2019t,\u201d said Adam. He glanced briefly at Hoss, who shook his head, and Adam nodded to show that he understood. If Hoss released him now, Joe would run back out, into the night. \u201cAnd none of us do\u2014except, apparently, you.\u201d He stepped closer and rested his hand on the boy\u2019s tense shoulder. He shuddered at how thin his brother had grown in the past few months. There was barely anything to him.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cDon\u2019t touch me,\u201d said Joe in a voice that would have been threatening if there had been any chance of following through.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Adam lifted his hand, holding up in surrender. He didn\u2019t know what was going on in Joe\u2019s head, but one thing was finally clear to him: in the forest of his grief, Joe had lost his way. What had started out as mourning his friend had turned into something else, and the boy didn\u2019t know any more which was the way out. Adam met the clear, hard green eyes, and he knew in his gut that Little Joe had never cried for Sam.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n He met Hoss\u2019s eyes, sadness recognizing more sadness. \u201cLet him go,\u201d he said. Hoss looked uncertain, but he released Joe\u2019s arms. Adam hadn\u2019t realized Joe had been pulling at Hoss until their youngest brother almost fell forward when Hoss let go of him. \u201cJoe, we need to talk,\u201d he said as gently as he could. \u201cCome on. Let\u2019s sit down.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Little Joe shook his head. \u201cI want to see Pa,\u201d he said, his voice quivering just a little.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cHe\u2019s asleep,\u201d said Adam, but his tone was very different from a few minutes earlier. \u201cYou can see him in the morning.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cI want to see him now,\u201d said Joe. He was starting to tremble.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cLet him sleep\u2014\u201d Adam began.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cCome on, Little Brother,\u201d said Hoss, cutting Adam off with a look. He put his arm around the boy\u2019s skinny shoulders. \u201cIt\u2019s like I told you\u2014he\u2019s gonna be just fine. You can take a look in, but you can\u2019t stay, \u2019cause Pa needs to sleep, an\u2019 so do you.\u201d He started to shepherd his brother toward the stairs, but Adam stopped them with a hand on Joe\u2019s shoulder.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m serious,\u201d he said. \u201cYou\u2019re not responsible for Sam\u2019s death.\u201d Joe kept his gaze focused on the floor, and after a long minute, Adam stepped aside to follow his brothers go upstairs.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n At the doorway to Ben\u2019s room, Hoss held his finger to his lips. Silently, he opened the door and nodded to Joe.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n The white bandage wound around Ben\u2019s head gleamed dully in the moonlight. The bandage on his shoulder was barely visible above the top of the quilt. Adam rested his hand against Joe\u2019s back, and he could feel his little brother trembling. The three brothers stood in the doorway for a minute or so before Adam nodded to Hoss, who pulled the door closed again.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cSee? I told you he was all right,\u201d whispered Hoss. \u201cNow, you get yourself to bed, Little Brother.\u201d When Joe didn\u2019t move, Hoss cupped his chin in his hand as if he were a child again. \u201cYou hear me? You get yourself in bed and go to sleep.\u201d Finally, Joe nodded as best he could with his chin being held, and Hoss smiled.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Alone in his room, Joe undressed. He was shivering as he hadn\u2019t in weeks; somewhere along the line, he\u2019d stopped feeling so cold. But tonight, he was freezing, just as he\u2019d been the night Sam had drowned. He pulled his nightshirt over his head and climbed into bed, burrowing down under the covers, but he was still cold. He poked his head back out and blew out the lamp, huddling beneath the quilts, but he was shaking so hard he could barely keep his teeth from chattering.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Adam said he wasn\u2019t responsible. Adam said they all knew this. How could they know? They weren\u2019t there. They didn\u2019t see both boys jump. Why had Sam died instead of Joe? There had to be a reason\u2014something Joe did or didn\u2019t do. Boys Sam\u2019s age didn\u2019t just up and die. There had to be some explanation.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n And now, Pa was hurt, because he\u2019d been looking for Joe. If Sam hadn\u2019t died, Joe wouldn\u2019t have been out, and Pa wouldn\u2019t have come looking for him. So, whose fault was it that Pa was hurt? Joe\u2019s, or Sam\u2019s? It couldn\u2019t be Sam\u2019s fault, because Sam was dead. So it had to be Joe\u2019s. It was Joe\u2019s fault that Sam was dead, and it was Joe\u2019s fault that Pa was hurt.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n And what if Pa died? Hoss said he was all right, but would he have said anything else? Maybe he didn\u2019t even know. Adam hadn\u2019t said anything. Maybe Adam knew something Hoss didn\u2019t.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n The thoughts chased round and round in Little Joe\u2019s mind until he could feel their frantic fury getting ready to explode. He pulled the covers up over his head, but it didn\u2019t help. He needed . . . . he needed. . . .<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Without thinking, he threw back the covers, grabbed the top quilt, and made his way to Pa\u2019s room. He opened the door as silently as Hoss had earlier, but this time, he stole inside, closing the door after him. He stood just inside the room, his chest heaving as if he\u2019d been running a long way. He squeezed his eyes shut and clenched his fists, willing the feelings to simmer down, but they were churning his insides into butter.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n He wrapped the quilt around his shoulders and made his way to the bedside chair. Pa was motionless. For a moment, he felt as if his heart had stopped. Ever so gently, he laid his hand on Pa\u2019s chest. The quiet rise and fall reassured him, at least for now. He sank down into the bedside chair, watching the immobile face in the moonlight.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cPa,\u201d he whispered. Anguish broke his voice. \u201cPa. . . .\u201d He could feel the hitching in his chest, so hard that it hurt, and he tried to fight it, but it wouldn\u2019t be fought. Like a flock of birds rising as one from the glassy lake, he felt the summer\u2019s agonies rise up in him and finally, finally, spill over. \u201cPa,\u201d he whispered again, and he bowed his head, clinging to his father\u2019s hand as his grief escaped at last. He tried to choke back his sobs, and he pressed the back of Pa\u2019s hand to his cheek, mindless of the scalding tears that ran over the strong fingers.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n And then, Pa\u2019s hand turned, and his fingers caressed Joe\u2019s face. \u201cJoseph,\u201d came the deep voice, tired but strong.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Joe sat up abruptly. \u201cI\u2019m\u2014I\u2019m sorry,\u201d he sobbed. \u201cI didn\u2019t\u2014I didn\u2019t mean\u2014I\u2019m sorry, Pa\u2014\u201d He choked on his words as tears streamed down his face.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cSssssh,\u201d whispered Ben. \u201cCome here, boy.\u201d He patted the bed beside him and then reached for Joe\u2019s hand. \u201cCome here,\u201d he said again, and Joe moved from the chair to the bed. Ben reached out and drew his son close so that the boy lay with his head on his father\u2019s chest. \u201cThat\u2019s it, let it out,\u201d he murmured. He ignored his throbbing shoulder and pounding head as he stroked his son\u2019s curls and felt the boy\u2019s hot tears dampen his bandages.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Ben couldn\u2019t have said how long his son wept. He was able to make out some of the words Joe choked out\u2014not all that many, but enough. Bits about Sam, and about Pa, and about being responsible. Ben kept stroking his son\u2019s head and back, making reassuring noises, until at last, Joe was quiet. He was clearly exhausted. Not surprising, Ben reflected: the boy had been holding all this in for a long, long time.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m sorry,\u201d Little Joe said, lifting his head. \u201cI didn\u2019t mean to wake you.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m glad you did,\u201d his father said truthfully. He tousled Joe\u2019s disheveled curls. Joe sniffled, wiping his nose on the cuff of his nightshirt, and his father grimaced. \u201cGo and get a handkerchief out of my top drawer,\u201d he added.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Holding his quilt around him, Joe padded across the floor and retrieved a handkerchief. He blew his nose and refolded the square, setting it on the washstand. Then, he poured water from the pitcher into the washbowl and splashed it on his face. He dried his face, took the handkerchief, and returned to the bedside chair.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cCome up here,\u201d said Ben, patting the side of the bed. He hid a smile at Joe\u2019s hesitation; it was one thing for a fourteen-year-old to fling himself on his father when he was distraught, and quite another to come up on the bed when he was under control. But Ben waited, and after a minute, Joe settled himself on the side of the bed.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cHow\u2019re you feeling?\u201d his son asked.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Ben let himself smile this time. \u201cI\u2019m all right,\u201d he said. His smile faded, and he took his son\u2019s hand. \u201cThe bigger question is, how are you<\/em> feeling?\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Joe opened his mouth to say he was all right, but instead, he said, \u201cI don\u2019t know. Cold. I was so scared. I saw you fall, and you\u2019re hurt and it\u2019s all my fault\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cWhat makes you think that?\u201d Ben furrowed his brow, feeling the bandage tug.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n The boy sounded perplexed by the question. \u201cYou wouldn\u2019t have been out there if you hadn\u2019t been looking for me.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cAnd you think that makes it your fault,\u201d said Ben slowly. At Joe\u2019s nod, he reached for the boy\u2019s shoulder. \u201cCome closer,\u201d he said when he couldn\u2019t reach. Joe slid closer, and Ben rested his hand on the bony shoulder. \u201cSon, it was an accident,\u201d he said. \u201cIt wasn\u2019t anybody\u2019s fault. It could just as easily have happened when I was going into town or heading out to the timber camp or doing any of a dozen other things. Horses get spooked sometimes. It\u2019s nobody\u2019s fault.\u201d He couldn\u2019t see the boy\u2019s eyes in the darkness, and it suddenly frustrated him. \u201cLight the lamp, Joe,\u201d he said. His son obeyed and then settled himself back onto the bed without being told.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Ben reached for him again, his hand cradling the boy\u2019s face. \u201cListen to me, Joseph,\u201d he said. \u201cThings happen in this world that are nobody\u2019s fault. It wasn\u2019t anybody\u2019s fault that my horse bolted, any more than it was anybody\u2019s fault when your mother\u2019s horse fell\u2014or when Sam died,\u201d he added gently. Joe stiffened under his hand, and Ben continued, \u201cYou\u2019ve been blaming yourself for too long, son. You\u2019ve got to let it go. You didn\u2019t do anything wrong. I promise.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Little Joe swallowed hard. \u201cBut\u2014but if it\u2019s not my fault\u2014why did it happen?\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cWhy did Sam die?\u201d Ben wasn\u2019t sure what made him ask the question\u2014Joe\u2019s words seemed clear enough\u2014but then, Joe shook his head.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cWhy is he dead instead of me?\u201d The words were lashed with anguish and grief and fear.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Ben caught his breath. Oh, my dear boy,<\/em> he thought. His heart ached at the realization of the burden his son had been carrying. All this time, he\u2019d thought it was simply grief that a young life had ended too soon, the loss of a dear friend, the knowledge that there was nothing to be done except to keep living. He knew those feelings all too well. But never had he suspected this.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Joe\u2019s eyes were steady on him now. In the lamplight, a spark of hope glimmered among the pain and apprehension. It was the look that Ben had seen a thousand times\u2014the one that said that no matter how bad things were, Pa could make them all right.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Silently, he prayed for wisdom to help a young man through his first real encounter with the kind of loss nobody could make all right. \u201cJoseph,\u201d he began. \u201cThere are some questions we just don\u2019t get to know the answers to. . . .\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n They talked far into the night. Every now and then, tears slid down Joe\u2019s cheeks as if making up for the weeks and weeks they\u2019d been pent up. There were moments when Joe broke down and wept, and other times when he pressed hard for answers, questioning each facet so intently that Ben almost felt as if he were talking with Adam.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cI think I know some of how you feel,\u201d Ben admitted at one point. At Joe\u2019s look, skeptical and hopeful, he said, \u201cWhen Hoss\u2019s mother was killed, I spent a long time wrestling with guilt. It was my dream that had put us square in the middle of Indian trouble. If we hadn\u2019t headed west\u2014if we\u2019d stayed in a civilized little town and been shopkeepers\u2014she could have seen her boy grow up. Instead, she died in a wooden shack with an arrow in her back while Adam and the baby watched, and we marked her grave with a cross made of two sticks tied together. And I thought\u2014it should have been me, not her.\u201d His voice trailed off, remembering the feel of Inger in his arms that last time and how she grew inexplicably lighter as life left her.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cPa.\u201d Joe\u2019s voice broke on the single syllable. He clutched his father\u2019s hand, his head bowed, tears streaming. He\u2019d heard this terrible story before, of course, but it had new meaning now, more than just the tragic loss of a beautiful, innocent person. Beneath his anguish over such senseless deaths as Inger\u2019s and Sam\u2019s was a faint, almost bizarre relief to know that he wasn\u2019t the only one who had ever had such thoughts, that someone as strong as Pa could think this way, too. His shoulders shook as he pressed his father\u2019s hand against his wet cheek.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cAll I\u2019m saying, son, is that I know how you feel,\u201d he said. He waited, and when at last Joe lifted his head, tears glistening, Ben squeezed his hand and nodded, his own eyes moist.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n By the time the darkness outside the window was lightening, Joe had stretched out beside his father and was fast asleep, the quilt half-covering him. Ben reached across the boy to turn down the flame on the lamp. He thought briefly of waking Joe so that he could go back to his own room before his brothers woke and found him gone, but suddenly, he was too tired. He rested his hand on his son\u2019s shoulder and closed his eyes.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n A light tap, and the door opened. Hop Sing entered, carrying a tray. He met Ben\u2019s eyes and nodded, smiling, as he set the tray on the bedside table. The little man had brought two cups of coffee, as well as the sugar and cream that only Little Joe added at breakfast. Ben smiled his thanks as Hop Sing adjusted the quilt that covered the sleeping boy.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cLi\u2019l Joe feel better,\u201d whispered Hop Sing.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Ben nodded. \u201cI think so.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Hop Sing peered more closely at Ben. \u201cMister Ben get good rest today,\u201d he ordered, still whispering.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cI plan to,\u201d said Ben. Without thinking, he rested his hand on his son\u2019s shoulder, frowning at how thin Joe had grown over the summer.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Hop Sing caught his eye. \u201cHop Sing see that Li\u2019l Joe eat good breakfast,\u201d he promised.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cThank you,\u201d said Ben. They understood each other, he and Hop Sing.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Just then, Little Joe stirred, almost falling off the edge of the bed. \u201cMorning, Pa,\u201d he said, catching himself. \u201cMorning, Hop Sing,\u201d he added as he sat up, stretching.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Hop Sing poured coffee into the cups and added cream and sugar to one. \u201cYou drink,\u201d he said, handing each of them a cup. \u201cBreakfast ready. Hop Sing make big breakfast, Li\u2019l Joe eat lot!\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cWait a minute\u2014\u201d Joe began.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Ben chuckled. \u201cI\u2019m afraid you don\u2019t have a choice, son,\u201d he said. \u201cThis was all decided before you woke up.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cGuess I\u2019ve got to start waking up earlier,\u201d grumbled Joe.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019ve been saying that for years,\u201d came a voice from the doorway. Adam leaned against the doorjamb, Hoss behind him. Ben tensed, but in the next instant, he caught his eldest son\u2019s slight smile, and he relaxed.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cHey, Joe, you\u2019d better get yourself dressed and get downstairs, or Hoss isn\u2019t going to leave you anything for breakfast,\u201d Adam continued.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m hungry as a bear in springtime!\u201d Hoss chimed in.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cWhen aren\u2019t you?\u201d Joe shot back.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n For a moment, no one moved. It was as if they weren\u2019t certain what they had just heard. Cautiously, they looked at each other. It was true: for the first time since Sam Munson died, Little Joe had made a joke.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Hoss was the first to react. Eyebrows drawn together in mock outrage, he shouted, \u201cDadburn your ornery little hide!\u201d He charged into the room, and Hop Sing grabbed Joe\u2019s coffee cup just before Hoss threw Joe headfirst over his shoulder. \u201cI\u2019m gonna teach you respect for your elders! You\u2019re gettin\u2019 dressed if\u2019n I have to sit on you!\u201d he added as they disappeared down the hall.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cHow\u2019s he supposed to get dressed with three hundred pounds on top of him?\u201d called Adam, but the laughter from Joe\u2019s room made it unlikely anyone had heard. He turned back to his father, whose eyes were shining. \u201cIs he all right?\u201d Adam inquired.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cHe\u2019s on his way.\u201d Ben leaned back against his pillows, more peaceful than he\u2019d been in a long time. \u201cYou hear that?\u201d he said of the laughter drifting down the hall. Hoss\u2019 deep rumble was accented by Joe\u2019s distinctive cackle. It had been far too long since he\u2019d heard his sons this way. \u201cI could listen to them all day,\u201d he mused.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cWell, you just might get the chance if I don\u2019t get the two of them moving,\u201d said Adam. He straightened and headed down the hall, bellowing, \u201cAll right, you two, enough horseplay!\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Ben chuckled as his eldest son assumed command. He set his own coffee cup on the tray. His eyelids grew heavy as Hop Sing bustled around the room, folding Joe\u2019s quilt and putting things in order, and the voices moved from Joe\u2019s room down the stairs.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cThey good boys,\u201d said Hop Sing. He drew the covers up over Ben and picked up the tray. \u201cMister Ben sleep now. All well.\u201d He slipped out of the room, closing the door behind him before Ben could respond.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n They are indeed good boys,<\/em> Ben reflected. He thought again of Sam Munson, who had also been a good boy. There was no way to know why Sam had been taken instead of Joe. It could so easily have gone the other way. In the end, all a man could do was to trust that the number of days ordained for him and for his loved ones was right, even when it didn\u2019t feel that way.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n He remembered reading someplace that faith was believing what you knew to be true, even when it didn\u2019t feel as if it was true. He would tell Joe that when they talked tonight. Joe hadn\u2019t mentioned it, but Ben knew one talk like last night\u2019s wasn\u2019t enough. His son had more questions, more thoughts and feelings to work through. He\u2019d taken a mighty blow, and it wasn\u2019t something any man could shrug off. But the boy was still standing in spite of everything, and that was a start.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n His hand rested on the place where his son had slept. Joe might wrestle with his questions like Jacob with the angel, but in the end, it was the kind of struggle that would make that good boy into a good man.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Ben smiled drowsily as a vision of Joe the man flashed through his mind\u2014taller, broader, with wild gray curls and flashing green eyes and the same irrepressible giggle. A good man, his Joseph. He couldn\u2019t have said how, but he knew in his heart that this was the son who would one day take over the reins of the Ponderosa, and it would be secure in his hands.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n As he drifted off into peaceful, healing sleep, Ben Cartwright whispered his thanks for the gift of good boys, and for the grace that would help them grow into good men.<\/p>\n The End<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Tags:\u00a0 Family,\u00a0Joe \/ Little Joe Cartwright<\/p>\n