I must have slept like a rock right through the Cartwrights eating dinner that night and breakfast the next morning because when I woke up the clock was pointing at the number ten and the house was empty.

I stretched and winced as I rolled my neck. Sleeping propped up against the arm of the settee hadn’t been the best idea. I massaged my neck as I roamed around the house. It was large and airy but cozy too. Behind the dining room there was a kitchen, but before I entered I turned and went out the front door despite my growling stomach. I wanted to check on Tip first.

“Sleep well?” A voice stopped me before I got off the porch, and I turned to see Joe sitting on a chair. He wore boots and pants, but nothing on his upper body except the bandages around his side and shoulder and a sling. His face had lines of fatigue on it, though I guessed he’d probably slept as long as I had.

“Are you supposed to be up and about?” I asked.

“Not really. But I got used to breaking the rules while riding around with a criminal like you.”

His tone was light, but it made me frown. It had been nice to be around someone who wasn’t in the same dirty class but who still didn’t look down on me, but it looked like that was over. I glanced across the yard at Tip in her pasture where she was contentedly munching on hay and wondered how angry she would be with me if we left today for no other reason than because I felt uncomfortable.

Neither of us spoke, but the silence lacked the easy camaraderie that we’d had before. I sighed inwardly. It always happened this way. Then he spoke again.

“So… are you leaving soon?”

“Probably.” I didn’t elaborate. He wanted me gone; that was clear enough. His next words caught me off guard.

“You could stick around a little; let your horse rest. You put a lot of hard riding on her.”

I eyed him. I’d always prided myself at being able to read people, and I didn’t see the false sincerity in him that people usually adopted when making a request they hoped the other person would refuse. But I still didn’t feel comfortable hanging around.

“I’d be in the way. You’ve got your family now and your ranch. You don’t need me here.”

“My family. My ranch. Right.” The words were muttered, but in them I caught a hint of dryness. And then I realized why he seemed so ill at ease.

“I thought you remembered.” I said.

He shifted slightly, and I knew I’d hit it on the head.

“I was remembering as we rode, like when I saw the familiar places, when you said my name, and when I heard my Pa’s voice. And that knock on the head seemed to jolt some things into place. I remember a lot more.” He frowned, and he seemed to be seeing something far away. “I remember what happened. I’d gone to see Zeke to warn him that Isaac Clancy might try to get revenge, and he wanted to show me some of the views along the river. When Clancy attacked we both went galloping back toward town, but my horse slipped on the rocks, and I ended up in the river. You know the rest.” He looked at me, and his eyes refocused. “But this place… it’s like it’s familiar, but also like I’m seeing it for the first time. I don’t know how to explain it. I just… I need some time to adjust.”

He let the last sentence hang in the air as a question, and I found myself nodding. I understood. I’d been to so many different, unfamiliar places, and each time a part of me that was gradually being buried deeper and deeper wished that there was someone I knew with me until I got acquainted with the place. Of course nowadays I rarely stayed long enough for that, but the niggling desire for familiarity was still there. Yes, I understood him; probably better than he did. Maybe I wouldn’t leave today. After all the morning was almost gone, and I preferred to travel when the morning was grey and still softly wet with dew.

“You know if you stick around a couple of days I can show you the rest of the ranch.” He seemed to read my mind.

“You forget, I’ve already been here and seen a lot of it.”

“As a trespasser. This time you’d be seeing it as a guest. And my friend.”

My quick tongue didn’t know how to respond to that. So I didn’t, and silence swept over us again, this time like a crisp fall breeze with the last hints of summer’s warmth wrapped inside it. I sat and felt my body relaxing against the back of the chair. He had a way of putting people at ease, this Joe Cartwright. I had no doubts about his ability to settle back into his home, but if he needed me around to help him out… well, it wasn’t like I had anywhere to go in a hurry. My money could wait to be spent.

I frowned at the thought of the money. Sure I’d spent plenty of time envisioning what I’d do with it if by some chance I got to keep it, but now for some reason I wasn’t enjoying the thought as much as I’d planned.

“How long until you’re able to ride?” I asked to distract myself.

“According to the doctor or according to me?”

I grinned. I had seen him try to sit a horse after nearly dying, first from drowning and then from a fever, and I knew exactly what he meant. Chances were his pa would want to kill me for what I was about to suggest, but then again, he owed me quite a bit. It was worth the risk.

“So go put a shirt on, and I’ll saddle a horse for you.” I said.

I saddled two horses, but when I brought them out, he frowned. I stopped and waited for him to say what was on his mind. I was waiting a while. Then he went into the barn.

“Is there a problem?” I asked drily.

“Well…” he was staring at a paint horse. “It’s just that this is my horse.” He said. As he spoke, the paint’s nostrils were quivering in a soundless nicker while his hands rubbed up and down his face, clearly moving by habit. I couldn’t be mad, after all, I was more attached than was probably healthy to my horse, but I could pretend to be.

“Fine. I’ll just take the saddle off the perfectly good horse it’s already on and put it on him.”

He looked up. “I can do it.”

“And rip your side open some more?” I snorted and pulled out the paint.
I could tell the paint wanted to run the moment he landed in the saddle, but Joe held him back. We both knew he wasn’t ready for an outright gallop, or even a trot. Which was too bad because I would have liked to see how the paint would have run against Tip. Maybe later when both she and Joe were recovered we could try it. For now I gave my unfamiliar horse a nudge with my heels, and we set out at a walk with Joe leading the way. I wasn’t sure where we were going, and I don’t think he was either, but it didn’t really matter.

The trail cut down through the woods and then looped around what looked like the near side of a pasture. As we rode Joe let his eyes wander, drinking in the ranch that was his home. I didn’t know if he wanted to talk or not, so I remained silent and contented myself with enjoying the view of the trees. I wondered how much they would get for a lumber contract here. Hundreds easily, maybe even thousands. I remembered the kid’s comment about being rich and chuckled to myself. Funny the way things turned out sometimes. And here I was riding along beside him like a respectable citizen. The thought made my stomach stir uncomfortably.

“What are you thinking?” I asked so I could ignore myself.

“I’m not really. Just looking.” The tone of his voice said everything he didn’t, and I sighed to myself. It would take a while before he felt at home here, which meant more time for me to feel like a soiled handkerchief in a drawer full of white, linen napkins.

Somehow we managed to get back before anyone else did, and I hurriedly untacked the horses. When I got inside, Joe had practically collapsed on the couch with his feet up on the coffee table. He gave me a rueful grin.

“I think I might have overdone it.”

I snorted. “Why am I not surprised? Do you need help getting upstairs?”

“I can manage.”

I waited and caught him when he almost fell halfway to the staircase. “Sure you can.” I muttered.

He slept the rest of the day, which made for a more than slightly uncomfortable supper. I’ve never been the chatty type, and I think these Cartwright’s were still trying to figure out what to make of me. Inwardly I was cursing up a blue streak at Joe for abandoning me to face his family alone.

“At least Joe is managing to get some rest.” Hoss commented in an attempt to start a conversation.

“I’m sure he wore himself out today.” Ben Cartwright’s dark eyes flickered to me, and I was sure he somehow knew about our little excursion. I took an overly large bite of chicken to avoid having to answer his unspoken question.

“Well hopefully you won’t have to threaten to tie him to the bed like you’ve done before.” Hoss said to his pa.

I grinned. “I used that same threat on him myself.” I told them the story and then backed up and gave them the whole thing, from start to finish, leaving out the particulars of why Clancy and I had our falling out. It was one thing to admit to robbing a bank to a man who had no idea who he was and who owed you his life; it was another thing to admit it to his steely-eyed father who looked like he’d put his fair share of criminals behind bars. What he guessed for himself, I couldn’t tell.

“Well I’m glad you’re the one that found him.” Ben Cartwright said when I’d finished. He seemed to mean it, but I shrugged. Like I said, I hadn’t told him the whole story, and I didn’t plan on it. The thought of the money was burning in the back of my mind like a red hot coal. While I’d actually gotten it honestly, it was supposed to replace money that hadn’t been gotten so cleanly. Somehow being here made me think about the people whose money had been in that bank, and I couldn’t stop myself from wondering how they’d managed to replace it.

“So are you from around here then?” Adam pulled me out of my thoughts, and while I was grateful, I wasn’t too keen on the question he’d asked. It didn’t have the ring of innocence that it had had when his younger brother had asked it to me; instead it was laced with careful intonations. He knew that no honest man just roamed around the countryside without work, and no one tangled with Clancy without getting some dirt on them. He was curious to know just what kind of man was sitting at his table eating supper with his family, and I couldn’t blame him. But I wasn’t about to answer him either. Thankfully I didn’t have to.

“I’m sure Wade’s story is very interesting, but I for one think it can wait for a better time.” Ben Cartwright said. He caught his son’s eye and held it for a moment, and Adam deferred. I was pretty sure the head of the Cartwright clan had been putting two and two together in his own head as well and that he was willing to look over it for the moment because of what I’d done for his son. Hoss picked up the conversation again and moved it to other things, but I didn’t say much. I was used to not being trusted, but that didn’t mean it didn’t make the back of my neck crinkle slightly.

After supper I drifted outside for a breath of fresh air and a glimpse of the stars. When you spend your life on the road with the sky for a ceiling houses, even houses as nice as the Cartwrights’, make you feel a little boxed in. I hadn’t been on the porch for very long when Ben Cartwright came out. He settled himself against the railing and followed my gaze upward toward the light speckled heavens.

“They’re something, aren’t they?”

I had expected him to ask when I’d be moving along, so for a moment my tongue twisted around itself before I could answer.

“I’ve always preferred starlight to daylight.” I finally said. And it wasn’t just because night was more conducive to my particular line of work. Night always seemed more elusive, like a dark-haired beauty dancing always out of your reach while day was a blonde constantly trailing after you and never leaving your side for a moment. A lot of people liked that, but I preferred to chase something distant than cling to something else simply because it was there.

“Did Joe mention anything to you about what he remembered?” he broke into my thoughts with a question I realized he’d been itching to ask all night. But he’d waited until his other sons were out of hearing first, and a faint smile twisted the corners of my lips. The oldest might be close to his thirties, but Ben Cartwright was still their father and tried to shield them. If I’d ever wondered where Joe had gotten the innate instinct to protect his family that had nearly gotten him killed, I wondered no more. But then my smile faded as I considered the question.

“He remembers a lot, but he said he doesn’t quite feel at home.”

He nodded. “I was afraid of that. I’m grateful you’re here to help him.” His tone was a little bitter, and I was pretty sure he wished that he could be the one helping his son instead of a vagabond he didn’t even know. Uncharacteristically, I said what was on my mind.

“If you don’t want me here, I’ll go. I know I don’t belong in a place like this any more than a mule belongs in a horse race.”

He turned to face me. “I don’t speak falsely, Wade. I said I was grateful, and I am. I’ll even go a step further; I’m glad that you’re here to help him.”

“So you wouldn’t rather it be you helping him?” What was with me and letting words just tumble out of my mouth tonight? Maybe I’d been around Joe too long.

“I would.” He said. “But only because a father always wants to be able to help his children.”

I shrugged. How was I supposed to know what a father did or didn’t do?

“And don’t worry about Adam.” He added. “He’s simply protective, and besides that he likes to know things. His mind is like a ferret, always digging holes purely for the sake of doing so.”

“You’ve got quite a family here.” I said, warming up to him for the first time by his openness.

He nodded. “A man has few treasures that he can’t replace. My sons are mine.” He looked up toward the stars again, and I felt his unspoken thanks for all I’d done. Then he turned back to face me and broke the silence.

“If you go out riding again tomorrow there’s somewhere I want you to take him.”

~*~

Even Joe realized that he was too worn out to ride the next day though. Instead we spent the morning trying to beat each other at checkers until Adam showed up and whipped us both. Thankfully he didn’t try to pry anything else out of me, and I actually found myself starting to like him.

The next day it rained, but the sun rose clear on the third day, and once again I tacked up the horses. Joe was confused by my wanting to lead, but I brushed him off, saying that he’d last time.

“You don’t even know where you’re going.” He said.

“Neither do you.” I retorted. I steered Tip toward a trail through the woods that turned slightly downhill, grateful to be back on my own horse. She seemed happy as well; she hadn’t liked watching me ride off on the bay interloper the other day. I reached down and patted her neck fondly.

“So where are we going?” Joe asked.

“You just said I didn’t know.” I didn’t fool him though; I was riding with a purpose, and he could sense it. But he didn’t ask again and contented himself with waiting until we got there.

We topped a slight rise, and I unconsciously reined Tip in as the beauty of the scene settled around me. Ahead there was the lake, blue and distant like the mountains surrounding it and framed by the earthy green of the trees. I took a deep breath, drinking it in, but it was what was directly in front of us that caught Joe’s attention.

He dismounted and walked stiffly over to the gravestone on the side of the hill. I stayed back, not wanting to intrude as he settled himself painfully on the ground in front of it. Instead I turned Tip and let him have his privacy while my eyes followed the line of mountains and the shoreline. The path I was on ran along the bank, and I let Tip follow it. The waves lapping gently against the land were as rhythmic as breathing, and I let the sound settle into my consciousness and fill it, washing out the cobwebs that had gathered since I’d come to the Ponderosa. If Joe couldn’t find peace here, it was his own fault, I decided. I certainly had.

After a while I turned back. He was still there, standing instead of sitting, and he looked up when I approached.

“How did you know to come here?” he asked.

“Your pa told me.”

“He knows me. Probably better than I know myself.”

I shifted in my saddle. Words had a power to them, which was why I rarely spoke unguardedly, and I wanted to make sure I used the right ones.

“No one ever really knows themselves.” I finally said. “Because no one’s the same person day in and day out. You change and you become reacquainted with yourself. You’re struggling now because you don’t have a reference point. Maybe you changed more than you realized and you just need to adjust to yourself, not to the place.”

He took a deep breath and exhaled long and slowly, as if he was letting go of weeks of pent up emotions. “Maybe you’re right.”

“I am.” I said. “I’m always right.”

He remounted and we rode back to the ranch in silence. My heart was lighter, and not just because we both knew he no longer needed me. Maybe it was because I no longer needed him. Either way, the next morning I beat the sun in rising and greeted her on my way out of the barn with Tip, tacked up and ready to go. She glanced down at me ruefully and then began to sweep away the morning’s grey dew. I mounted.

“So you were going to leave without a goodbye?” Joe crossed the yard with his arms folded over his chest.

“I’m not much of one for goodbyes.” I said.

“Well I am.” He hesitated. “I owe you a lot.”

“Not really. Anyone else would have done the same.”

“I doubt it.”

I shifted. “Well you saved my life too. And quite frankly being killed by that arrogant cur would have been worse than a hundred deaths, so actually I owe you.”

“Then do me a favor.”

I glanced at him. He hadn’t caught me as the grasping type.

“Next time you need something come here instead of robbing a bank.”

“You’d rather I steal your cows instead of money then? Fair enough.” I wasn’t one to call in a favor.

“I’m serious. You could just stay here you know. We always need hands.”

I shook my head. Sure it would be nice to settle down somewhere someday, but it would on my terms and in a place where I was the one who called the shots, even if it was only a shack and a patch of dirt.

“Don’t be a stranger.” He finally said.

“I won’t.” I went to turn Tip, but then I paused. “Look, could you do me a favor? I’m sure you ride out to Sacramento every once in a while, right?”

He nodded, clearly confused.

“I’ve got a package for the bank, but I’d rather not go back there considering the way I left. Think you could drop it off for me?”

He gave me an incredulous look. “A package?”

“Small. I left it on the table.” Without waiting for his answer I gave Tip a nudge with my heels and she picked up a trot, leaving Joe Cartwright and the Ponderosa behind me.

“Desperado, Why don’t you come to your senses
You’ve been out riding fences for so long now
Oh you’re a hard one
But I know you got your reasons
These things that are pleasin’ you, have hurt you somehow”

The End