Chapter 4

“My father took me when I was fourteen. He said I was a woman and needed a man. When I told my mother, she slapped my face and called me horrible names. That went on for months and months. I thought that if my mother reacted that way and blamed me, what would other people do? So I kept the shameful secret to myself. I stayed away from everyone and tried to disappear. It didn’t work. My father got in some financial trouble and could have lost everything. He gave me to Mr. Waverly at the bank. That’s how he paid the mortgage for the rest of that year. Once a week, Mr. Waverly visited my father and then came up to my room. When I was just sixteen, I was with child, and they sent me to a convent in California. I never saw my baby because they whisked him away before I ever got to see him. I only know it was a boy, because they told me ‘he’ was with a good woman. I knew what they thought of me, so I ran away from there taking any job I could find to support myself. There wasn’t a job I wouldn’t take. I was that kind of woman. Then I saved enough money to come back here hoping my parents would have forgiven me by now, but they told me I had made my choices and had to live with them.”

She had talked so fast and never paused at all making it seem as if she had rehearsed her speech but she had not. She had just gone over her life so many times in her mind for so many years wondering how she could have made things turn out differently and never found a way. Adam’s first response validated the conclusion she had drawn long ago but never accepted.

“Aw, Merry, you never had any choices. There’s nothing to forgive.”

Meredith looked at Adam expecting to see revulsion and disgust, but all she saw was the tears in his eyes and the gentle look on his face.

“And all those lies your parents told to cover their shame over what they did to you. They need to beg forgiveness from you. I feel so badly that you had to face all of that on your own. If only you had been able to come to us for help.”

Of all the reactions that Meredith had anticipated, this wasn’t one of them. All she could see was that Adam felt her pain and wanted to take it away.

“C’mere.” She leaned toward him and he wrapped his arms around her and kissed the top of her head. He couldn’t hold her well with those splints on his forearms but did his best to comfort her. When she went to pull away, he asked her to stay. “I don’t think you should be alone now. Just rest easy here. Talk if you want or just relax. It’s up to you.”

“I’m sorry for what I did to you at the party. Just once, I wanted to be with a man when it was my idea. Just once, I wanted to be the one to choose. I had no idea how much trouble I would cause by doing that.”

“Well I made things worse by leaving, and it was very stupid of me to go to the saloon.”

“But if I would have said something then Joe wouldn’t have hit you and none of this would have happened. All because I touched you and I shouldn’t have.”

“Well I liked it, and sometime when I’m out of these splints and upright again, maybe we could see what else you want to do. I’m willing.”

Leaning back and looking up at his face, Meredith saw he had this huge grin. She knew he wanted her, but he was waiting for her to tell him what she wanted, when, and where. She shook her head. “You’re terrible!”

“Got you to smile though. You have the most gorgeous smile, and the most desirable lips I’ve ever seen.”

Meredith actually had to blush a little at that, and she thought she had forgotten how to blush. He had that effect on her yet. Suddenly she felt like twelve again adoring Adam from afar and wishing they could be close together and in love. She began to cry with his next statement.

“Merry, I’m falling in love with you. I love your laugh, your sass, your spirit. I love being with you. I’m not sure what love is, but this sure feels like it must be it.” Meredith’s lip quivered and a few tears slid down her cheek. “Aw, the last thing I wanted to do was make you sad. Please tell me what I can do to stop those tears.”

“Nothing, Adam, nothing. I’ve loved you for years in my dreams. To hear you say it is the most beautiful thing you could have said.” Meredith leaned forward then and kissed him lightly. “So where do we go from here?”

“Tomorrow, I get free from here. Would you have dinner with me?”

“I would love to do that.”

“Would you allow me to court you?”

“Court me? But that means you might want to marry me?”

“Yes, that’s true. So what’s your answer?”

Leaning forward, she kissed him again. He did his best to hug her and pull her into a more passionate kiss, but Paul and his father chose to enter the room at that time. Both men cleared their throats almost simultaneously. Meredith jerked upright, but when she tried to stand, Adam held her in place gently.

“Hi, Pa, Doc. Meredith has agreed to let me court her. We’re having dinner together tomorrow.”

That left the two men speechless for a moment. Meredith turned to Adam who was grinning broadly having surprised both of them. He looked at her and winked.

“You’re not joking, are you?”

“No, Pa, I am quite serious about that.”

“Don’t you need to ask her father’s permission?” Both Ben and Paul noticed the sudden dark look on Adam’s face and how Meredith’s face dropped at that question. Neither would pursue that. Adam gave a simple ‘No’ before asking Paul when he could get the splints off.

“If you agree to stay at the hotel for a few days so I can monitor how things go, I’ll take them off today.”

“Hey, Merry, I’m suddenly free for dinner this evening. Can I see you at dinner tonight too?”

“Well, Mr. Cartwright, this is rather late notice, but I think I can fit you in my busy schedule. But don’t you think you should have dinner with your father because he came all the way to see you in this snow?”

Ben shook his head. These two were quite a pair.

“Pa, would you like to join us for dinner?”

Agreeing to that, Ben also told Adam that he had packed him a bag with enough clothes for a week, and had brought along the books they had purchased for him but had been unable to give him at Christmas.

“Sorry to have messed up Christmas for everyone.”

“You didn’t mess it up at all. It’s just delayed some. Joe decided we ought to wait to celebrate until you could join us. Joe hates not to have Christmas with all the family. We’ll have Christmas on whatever day you decide you’re ready to come home.”

“May I invite Merry to join us?”

“Certainly! She belongs there if you’re courting her. It will be a wonderful time. Merry you better pack a bag though. If we get him home, we won’t know how long the weather will hold and you could be snowed in with us. I hope that thought doesn’t bother you.”

“Not at all. I couldn’t imagine a better place to be snowed in.”

With his splints off, Adam checked into the hotel. His father carried his bag up to his room when Adam discovered how weak and tender his forearms were. Ben took a room too because he had no intention of trying to get home in the dark and the snow. Dinner was pleasant and many people came up to Adam to wish him well and offer their apologies for what was coming to be called the ‘big misunderstanding’ because it was clear that Adam and Meredith were on very good terms with each other. After dinner, Ben said he would escort Meredith to her boarding house. It was obvious how tired Adam was after all the activity of the day. He reluctantly agreed even though it meant he could not kiss Meredith good night because he knew that he had to treat her with the utmost respect. Kissing her in the lobby of the hotel would not be acceptable no matter how much he wanted to do just that.

After Ben bid her goodnight, Meredith walked inside the boardinghouse were Mrs. Hawkins had a delivery for her. It was a small wrapped box. When Meredith opened it, there were four chocolates in it and a note saying ‘I love you, your secret admirer’ which nearly made her laugh. She showed Mrs. Hawkins the note.

“Oh, now, dearie, isn’t that going to make your young Cartwright upset?”

“No, I don’t think he’ll be upset at all.” And with a small smile, Meredith went up to her room and she fell into a pleasant sleep. Every day for most of the next week, Meredith had lunch with Adam, strolled through town with him, played chess in the hotel lobby, and then had dinner and conversation with him. They never ran out of things to discuss. Then in the evening, Meredith would return to the boardinghouse to find another package delivered. They were always the same and she recognized the handwriting especially with the little waver that was in them at first because his hand and forearm were still weak. As the days moved on, the penmanship grew more bold and sure. Then came the invitation to the Ponderosa, and Clementine helped her pack saying she had a pretty good idea of how she would be expected to dress while a guest on the Ponderosa.

Arriving on the edge of town with the sleigh, Hoss chose to walk to the hotel from there instead of muddying the sleigh in the dirty streets of town. He helped Adam with his bag, and then walked to the boardinghouse with Adam. Hoss carried both bags back to the sleigh as Adam walked hand-in-hand with Meredith. Hoss heard him call her Merry and asked about that. Adam gave his explanation, and Hoss asked which she preferred. She said among family and friends, she would like them to use Merry for it seemed more friendly so Hoss began calling her that too. Adam sat in the back of the sleigh with Merry as Hoss drove them to the Ponderosa. It was all he could do to control himself with her warm body pressed to his side and the blanket over their legs and pulled up to their waist. At one point, Merry shivered and Adam pulled the blanket higher and wrapped an arm around her shoulders. She snuggled into him where she felt all warm and cozy. At the house, Hoss carried the bags upstairs and Adam showed Merry to the guest room she would be using.

Hop Sing had gone all out for a Christmas Eve style dinner for they were celebrating the holiday, Adam’s return home, and Merry being a guest. At the table, Merry sat next to Adam and both behaved themselves very well although they wanted to do a lot of other things. After dinner, there was time for singing in front of the fireplace. Because Adam had not played in nearly a month, and his arms were still weak, most of the songs were sung acapella. Then Ben asked Hop Sing to bring out the mulled wine. By midnight, all had retired to their rooms. Adam couldn’t sleep and got up. He decided the safest course of actions was to get fully dressed and he even wore long johns as an additional precaution. He buttoned his shirt but left the tails out as more camouflage just in case it was needed. Then he walked down the hall and softly knocked on Merry’s door. In the very quiet house, he heard her gasp and realized what he had done wrong.

“I’m sorry to disturb you, but I couldn’t sleep. I’m going downstairs for some hot chocolate, and you’re welcome to join me if you wish.” Adam went downstairs then kicking himself for probably reminding Merry of some bad events. He was thinking if he ever saw her father or Waverly, he would have a difficult time not shooting them down like mad dogs. In the kitchen, he quietly prepared some hot chocolate. As he was ready to pour it into a cup, he felt Merry by his side. She was in her gown, but had a thick cotton robe wrapped around her. He smiled and got a second cup turned over so he could pour for two. He handed her one, and then gestured for her to go first out into the great room. She sat on the settee with her feet tucked up under her so Adam took that as an invitation to sit next to her. The tree sparkled in the glow from the fireplace but it was beginning to feel a bit chilly in the room so Adam added two large logs to the fire before returning to sit by her side. They quietly sipped hot chocolate and leaned back relaxing in the warmth of the fire and the warmth of each other sitting close enough together to be touching. After finishing his hot chocolate, Adam set the cup on the table in front of the fireplace and looked at Merry.

“What would you like?”

She knew what he was asking, and thought it was time. “I would like it very much if you would kiss me again. We haven’t kissed in a very long time it seems.”

With his voice getting a bit hoarse, Adam answered her. “I didn’t want there to be any talk about you in town. I was on my best behavior, and it was extremely difficult to do that. I wanted to kiss you all the time. I had to be content to hold your hand.” Then he leaned forward and brushed his lips across Merry’s. He leaned back to gauge her reaction. Her eyes were closed and she held her cup with both hands. He gently took the cup from her and set it on the table before pulling her gently toward him. He kissed her more firmly then and nudged her lips apart with his tongue. She seemed inexperienced with kissing or at least somewhat unresponsive and that surprised him.

“Am I doing something wrong with the kissing? I don’t want to upset you in any way.”

“No, it’s just that I haven’t kissed much.” Adam frowned as he thought about that. “Men I have been with haven’t been much interested in kissing.”

That he understood. “Well, sweetheart, I like kissing. If you don’t mind, we could kiss some more?”

“I would love you to do that.”

So they kissed more, and Adam did his best to teach her everything he knew about kissing and snuggling together until he had to stop. “Sweetheart, this has been wonderful, but I can’t keep doing this. I had an overwhelming desire to do more, and that would be wrong.”

“Adam, you can do with me whatever you want.”

“No! We will make love when we’re both ready for that commitment.” Meredith started crying, and Adam was so sorry he had raised his voice and upset her. “I’m so sorry. I only wanted to show you that I respect you as a lady. I never wanted to see you cry.”

“No, it’s not that. It’s that you show me all the time how you do love me, and you are so concerned about my feelings. I don’t think anyone ever cared about me like you do, no one. I love you so much, Adam.”

So despite not being sure he could control his urges, Adam kissed her again. He pulled her against him and she rested her head on his shoulder and wrapped her arms around him. He kept one arm around her shoulders and lightly caressed her arm with the other. Soon they both slipped into a peaceful slumber, and that’s how Ben found them the next morning. He tapped Adam on the shoulder and told him it would be best if the two of them dressed and then came back down for breakfast. Tapping Merry on the nose, Adam awakened her. She seemed startled by the unfamiliar surroundings and took a moment to get her bearings before smiling at Adam. She was going to kiss him again when he mentioned that his father thought they ought to go upstairs and dress for the day and letting her know that way that his father was in the room. After taking care of their needs and dressing, Adam and Merry joined the family for Christmas breakfast.

“Do you always eat like this out here? This is the best food I have ever tasted.”

Hop Sing must have heard for soon he brought out a plate of special holiday muffins with nuts and raisons. He offered Merry first choice. Ben usually had first choice so he knew that Hop Sing had heard the compliment.

“Well, my dear, we do not always eat like this out here, but the food is always the best you have ever tasted. We just have even more of Hop Sing’s wonderful dishes when it’s a holiday.”

Hop Sing liked hearing that too, and returned with a coffee pot to pour a fresh cup for Ben. Soon Hoss was praising the food, and Joe picked up on it then and lavished praise on the long time family cook and friend.

“You are so lucky to have a cook like Hop Sing!”

“Merry, he isn’t our cook. He’s our friend and part of the family who cooks for us.” In the kitchen, Hop Sing got a little tear in his eye hearing Adam say that.

“Dadburnit, Adam, do ya always hafta come up with the best lines?”

“Hoss, I’m sure Hop Sing appreciated everything that was said.”

Next it was time to open gifts. There was a lot of the usual with Adam getting a couple more books that he had not been given already. It was clear that Ben and his sons had collaborated on Merry’s gifts. She opened three boxes but held matching hat, scarf, and muff. When she opened the gift from Adam, it held matching mittens but also a small box of chocolates. She looked at him and smiled. He simply said “The month isn’t over yet.”