Summary:  A woman finds an old diary in an antique store

Rated: K (15,220  words)

 

Joe Cartwright – Seven Up

“Give me the child until he is 7,
and I will give you the man”

The following entries were found in old book in an antique store in New York. I have no idea how the book must have made it’s way there, but it has provided me with some very interesting reading which I thought I’d share. Whoever this Joe Cartwright was … he had a very interesting life and his descriptions of life on a western ranch give a good insight to life in the nineteenth century.

 

 

 

The entries reminded me of the Michael Apton series “Seven Up” as Joe only seemed to be able to manage his entries every few years …. Just as in that documentary series. I hope you find his writings as interesting as I did.

 

 

 

Claire Young

 

2005

 

 

 

————–

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

23 Novembar 1843

 

My name is Joe Cartwright and  I am  seven years o ld. M y Pa  gave m e this book  for m y birthday. I reckon it’s a  dum  b present and  I’d rather he gived m e a  gu n, but  I would n’t tell m y Pa that. No sir!  I’ve  got the best  Pa  in the world and  I would n’t wanna  hurt his fee lings or nuthin. A nyways, Pa says that it’s a  good thing to rite down m y thoughts so  I’m   gonna  do it. He says it’ll be  good praktis for m y spe lling to ca use it ain’t so good. I still wou ld rather have a gu n but.

 

 

 

Pa says that I ca n’t get a  gu n unti l after  I’m  thirteen. He don’t u ndersta nd that is to  lo ng to wa it  but!  I can shoot rea l good  now … we ll I w u ld  be  a b le  to  iffen Pa w u ld   let m e have a

 

gu n. I’d  be  just bout the best shot in the who le of Nevarda   I reckon. When I get to be thirteen I’ll show everyone  just how  good  I’ll be. Better even than Adam   I reck on.

 

 

 

Adam  is m y biggest brother a nd he’s a rea l good shot with a gun. He’s rea l good at everything. It a in’t fair, but he’s go ne away now to Bostun fer  nearly  a  year now. He sa id that he wa nts ta  get a eddacashion …  but  I recko n that’s a dum b thing ta want. I don’t wa nt  no  eddachasion, but m y Pa says  I haveta  get one  to. He makes m e go to skoo l with Hoss m ost every day and  it’s p lain dum b!

 

 

 

Hoss is m y next biggest brother. Rea lly, he’s m y biggest brother, but Adam  is o lder tha n h im  still. Hoss is m y very best friend. He’s rea l strong and he k nows  lots bout a nim a ls  and  a ll sorts of things. He don’t wa nt  no  eddachasion neither and he keeps   te lling Pa  that he can learn lots of thing from  being on The

 

Po nda rosa, but  Pa don’t  listen ta  him    neither.

 

 

 

The Po nda rosa  is our ranch . It’s a rea l big p lace. I lu v  liv in here on The Po nda rosa and  I don’t k now why Adam  hadta  go away from   it  neither. He’s  liv ing in Bostun now with his grandfather. He a in’t m y grandfather too but Adam  says that  I can have him   fer a grandfather iffen I want to. I don’t k now  iffen  I want to but, cause  I don’t  like him  m uch. He gets ta  live with Adam  and he won’t send him  back to us. I reckon he m  ite be a m een grandfather.

 

 

 

We m iss Adam  rea l bad. Pa says that he’ll be back  before we

 

k now  it, but  I don’t think  that’s true cause  I a lready k now  it and he a in’t com i ng back  ta us yet. Pa says that  I’ll be  nea rly  ten when Adam  com es hom e. That’s too  long and  I rote and  to ld Adam  so, but he a in’t rote back yet.

 

 

 

Hoss a nd m e hav a bad  tim e at skoo l with our teacher M iss Jones. We ca ll her Jonesy cause we don’t  like her to m uch. She gets rea l cranky when a  fella r  tries  ta m ake sum   fun at skoo l and she m akes a fella r rite  lines on the black board when he ain’t done  nuthin ro ng  neither. She tries to m ake us rite a ll the tim e a nd do reading and sum s a nd stuff. She don’t even k now that a fella r  gets rea l bored doing a ll that stuff. She’s so m een that she even tells  a  fella r’s  Pa  to cum   to skoo l so that she can tell on h im  and make him   get a tanning. I don’t   like Jonesy and  I hope that she fa lls down and breaks her  legs. Hoss says that’s a m een thing to w ish fer, but  I don’t care.

 

 

 

Pa says that I got a  devil in m e som etim es. I aksed him  how

 

that devil got inm e, but he did n’t say. I aksed him   iffen that devil got in up m y  nose, and  I stuck m y finger up there ta see iffen I cou ld fee l h im.. Pa  sa id that  doin that was not perlite, but  I aksed him  how  e lse was  I ta  find  out how  that devil got  in there? Pa  jest shooked his head a nd d id n’t  te ll m  e  no m ore bout it.

 

 

 

We got gir ls at skoo l too.  I think  that girls a re rea l yuck y and Hoss thinks so to. We are rea l g la d that we don’t have  no  gir ls  in our fam  ile. We a re a ll boys in our fam ile. G ir ls try to catch a fe lla r a nd try to k iss him  when he ca n’t get away. They

 

sm e llfunny  a nd  they gigg le  a ll the tim e. I won’t eva k iss gir ls when I get bigga   no way!  Horses are m uch betta  than gir ls a ny day.

 

I got a horse now. Well he’s rea lly  a  pony cause m y  legs a in’t  long enuff  fer a big horse yet. Pa says that  I can hav a big horse when m y feet can rech the stirups of his sadd le, so  I’m  streeching em  every day but they a in’t grow n to  long yet. Pa  don’t k now  it, but  I can a lredy  ride a big horse.  I rid  Adam’s horse Sport when no one was around and  he a nd m e did  jest  fine. A nd that was without a sad le  to! Pa wou ld  be m ad  ifen he  new  that  I rid Adam’s horse Sport but, so Sport and m e did n’t’ tell

 

h im..  Pa  thinks that  I’m  go nna  fa ll off or sum ething.

 

 

 

Pa  thinks  I’m   gonna  fa ll off a big horse cause that’s what m y Mam a did. She fa lled  off her horse a  lo ng tim e ago when I was four a nd she broke her head off at her neck. Pa  asked the doctor ta put it on agen but he cou ld n’t, so Pa put m y Mam a in a big box and put her in the ground  instead. Sum etim es we go a nd visit  her down by the  lake and we take her flowers. Pa  sum etim es  crys when we go there and so do  I. He says that Mam a  is a  a nge l in heaven and sum etim es we  look  up a nd see her in the sky at night tim e. I say a prayer to m y Mam a, but  I w ish that she w u ld  cum  hom e a gen and say hey to us.

 

 

 

Hoss don’t have  no Mam a  neither. Neither does Adam . A ll our Mam as got dead and Pa says that he was b lest cause he k new  em when they weren’t dead. I don’t k now  bout that but, cause I

 

d id n’t k now  em   neither. Pa  gived  us a ll a p icta of our Mam as and m ine  is rea l prety. Pa says she was the prettiest  lad i  in New  Or leens which  is where she done  lived when he m et her. They

 

cum ed to The Po nda rosa and this is where I got borned. Pa says that I was the sm a llest  ba by there ever was. Adam  says that  I cryed a  lot and Hop Sing says so to.

 

 

 

Hop Sing is our cook and he  looks afta us to. He keps our house real c leen. Hop Sing ye lls a   lot  but  I still  luv  h im   cause he don’t m een it. He ca n cook  rea l good a nd Hoss reko ns he’s just bout the best cook  in the who le world.  I don’t k now   bout that but, cause  I ha v n’t ever been to the who le  world.

 

 

 

My Pa has been to the who le world. He used ta be a sa ilor  and  he sa iled  in big boats rite way round  the who le  world. That was befor he m et Adam’s Mam a and had Adam  when he was a baby. My Pa  te lls  us storys bout a ll the p laces he’s been and their rea l intresting to. When I grow up  I a in’t gonna  go round the world  but.  I‘m   gonna   s tay here at The Pondarosa  cause  I luv   living here. I think  that Adam  shu ld  cum   back  to The Po ndarasa and  liv here to. He  shu ld  have enuff  eddacashion  now.

 

That  is a ll  I got  to say rite  now . I gotta  go fer supper Hop Sing says. I w ill rite  in m y book  agen a nother  timee

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

9th April 1851

 

I guess that I should have kept writing in this here diary all these years, but I lost it in the big mess in my room and I just found it again. Seems that I never did get round to writing in it again. I never did like writing and I don’t know why I’m doing it now, cept that I ain’t got nothing else ta do being stuck up here in my room like I am. Pa says I can’t come out until supper and he don’t understand that a fellar gets real bored up here all alone.

 

Pa says that my room is a disgrace and I reckon he’s right, but I don’t see any point in cleaning it up when its just gonna get messed up again. Adam says it’s real messy too and if he were my Pa he’d tan me fer it. I don’t care what he says but and I jest told him that I’m sure glad he ain’t my Pa! My brother Adam is one bossy person and I wish he’d stick his nose right outta my business! I would tell him that too, but he might pound me iffen I did and he’s still bigger than me.

 

Seems that everyone is bigger than me! I measure myself every week, but I never seem ta grow. It ain’t fair! At fourteen I think I should be starting to grow some at least. Pa says that good things come in small packages, but that can’t be true cause if it was then what about my brother Hoss? He ain’t small, but he’s a right good person I reckon. My brother Hoss is just about the biggest man there is. He’s strong enuff ta lift me off the ground under one arm while picking up a calf in the other and he don’t even sweat none when he does it. He reckons that he’s always picking me up outta trubble, but he don’t mean really picking me up in that way. He says that one day he’s gonna wipe me on his boots ta polish em up iffen I don’t stop getting him inta trubble, but I know that he’s just funning with me.

 

My brother Hoss and me have a great time together. He understands me, which is more than other people do. I don’t think I understand myself most of the time to be honest, so I don’t blame em. Pa says that I’ll be the death of him and I hope that ain’t true, cause he’s the best Pa ever. He’s got lots of patiense, but sometimes he loses it with me cause I’ve got the devil in me … that’s what he says anyways.

 

I don’t mean ta have the devil in me, but sometimes he just gets inside me when I ain’t looking I reckon. I must admit that sometimes life can get pretty boring and if it weren’t for that devil then I’d just about lay down and die of boredom. That devil can sure make life intresting at times! One thing’s fer sure but, that devil has sure caused me ta get a lot of tannings over the years.

 

You would think that Pa would get sick of tanning me, but it ain’t so. I keep telling him that I’m too big for him ta raise his hand to me now, but he says that as long as I live under his roof, then he has a duty to raise me right … and that includes tannings. I told him that he might be still tanning me when I’m fifty then, cause I ain’t going anywheres, but that just made him tan me again. Gee my butt gets sore sometimes!

 

It’s true what I said but. I ain’t going anywhere. Leastways not for a long time yet. I reckon there’s a lot of world out there ta see, but I ain’t interested in seeing it while I’ve got The Ponderosa to live on. This is the best place in the world to be I reckon. Hoss says so too and so does Pa. I think that Adam ain’t so sure though. Sometimes I have a feeling that my eldest brother don’t wanna live here no more. That’d suit me fine if he went off some place and left me alone. He’s always sticking his nose into my business and ratting on me ta Pa.

 

Like last week for instance. Well how was a fellar ta know that Adam was so close to the house when I was practising with my gun? If I’d of known then I never woulda done it. Old bossy boots hadta go and tell on me of course and Pa gave me a right hard tanning. He didn’t understand that I was only taking potshots at birds … I weren’t aiming at the house or nothing and it weren’t my fault that a window got broke with one of the bullets.

 

My gun is real fine and I’m getting better with it every day. Adam has given me lots of lessons and so has Pa and they’re both real fine shots. Hoss is too, but he usually teaches me other things. We mostly go fishin together and we have a right fine time. Hoss is my best friend in the whole world, he is.

 

I got lots other friends too at school and stuff. We have rite fine times. Me and Mitch Devlin is real good friends and so is me and Sarah. Sarah is real nice even if she is a girl. Sometimes I wonder bout her but. I saw her kissing Seth Pruitt behind the school house one day last week and I thought she had more sense than that.

 

I reckon that kissing is dumb. I tried it once with Hallie and once with Connie and it was just all slobbery. I don’t know why Sarah wants to kiss Seth. If she ever tries it with me then I’ll tell her off. Girls can really spoil things fer a fellar sometimes.

 

Adam reckons that one day I’ll like kissing girls. I told him no way. He kisses lots of girls and he’s good at it to. I’ve seen him lotsa times when he don’t know that I’m looking. I’m good at that. I can sneek up and listen to people and watch em doing things when they don’t know that I’m there. Hoss says I must be part injun the way I can walk so quiet, but he’s only funning cause I know that I ain’t.

 

My Mama was from New Orleans and there weren’t no injun in her. She was Creeol but, which means that she comes from French people. Pa says that she could speak French so she musta been real clever. I don’t remember her much, cept little bits in the back of my mind sometimes. Pa tells me lots about her and so does Adam and Hoss when they’ve a mind to. Wish I could remember her, but I guess I’m luckier than my brothers cause they can’t remember there mothers at all.

 

Anyways, I reckon I’m gonna watch Adam real close with how he kisses and stuff, cause you never know when you might need to know how. Girls like me lots I can tell. Pity bout how giggly they are all the time though. Sarah ain’t giggly. No way! She and me gets on real fine most of the time. We went with Seth Pruitt and found a bear cub the other day. We had a couple of crow guns with us, but we hadta run when the mother bear came. Sarah didn’t cry like most girls woulda but. She jest ran with us and we all laughed later. Pa didn’t laugh but when he found out. Another tanning thanks to brother Adam who heard me and Seth laughing bout it later. He really likes getting me into truuble.

 

Hoss don’t ever get me into truuble, cause he says he ain’t got time. He reckons I get us both into truuble enough fer two and he’s probabbly right. I told him that I can’t help it and that it’s the devil that Pa always says is in me that does it, but he jest shakes his head when I say that. Ain’t my fault iffen that devil gives me good ideas to have fun. Hoss don’t need ta do what I tell him to anyways and it’s his fault iffen he lets me get him into truuble.

 

Hoss is real good with animals and stuff and I wish I was good with em like he is. One things fer sure though, I reckon I’ll be better than him at breaking horses when Pa lets me start. Pa don’t know it, but I’ve already started when no one’s around. I tried one of the new blacks last week and we did jest fine. I hadta be sure that brother Adam weren’t around when I was trying him out but, or you know what woulda happened.

 

Pa says he’s gonna take me on a Grand Swing next month. He says that it’ll help me to learn all what The Ponderosa is all about. I reckon it’ll be jest fine to go with Pa all by myself. Pa took Hoss once when he was bout my age too. Adam never got to go but cause we didn’t have enuff land to do a Grand Swing when he was my age. Hoss told me that Pa makes ya put ya name on a tree at the end. He did. I told him that I’ll put my name jest near his and I’m glad that brother Adam never got to put his name there neither. It would spoil it fer Hoss and me.

 

Hoss don’t mind Adam. He’s funny like that. Him and Adam get on real fine and sometimes they go to town at night and have a real fine time. I can hardly wait until Pa says I can go with em, cause I reckon I will have a fine time too. Adam is teaching me to play poker so that I’ll be ready when Pa lets me go. He’s good at poker. Sometimes Hoss plays with us too. He ain’t so good and sometimes I can beat him.

 

Adam says that a fellar can play poker in the Silver Dollar Saloon and that’s why he and Hoss go in there every Saturday night. Pa don’t like em going to much cause he thinks they waist there money. I think he really don’t like em going in there cause they see lotsa ladies in there and they drink lots of beer to.

 

Pa drinks beer but he also drinks brandy. Adam does too. Hoss only likes beer but. I will drink beer and brandy and everything when I get bigger and can go to the Silver Dollar Saloon. Pa don’t know it, but I already tasted beer. Hoss let me try his one day. He snuck it outside and I tasted it. It was OK. I also tried brandy. Pa left some in a glass when we had a party and I finished it off. It was OK too and it made me feel all hot inside. Guess that’s what Pa means when he says that it warms you up. He made me have some once when I got a cold last winter. That made me feel sleepy.

 

I reckon that beer can make ya sleepy too. One night I waked up and Pa was yelling at my brothers in the middle of the night. They came back from town real late and they was so sleepy that they couldn’t stand up straight. It also gives you headaches. I know cause the next day they both had big headaches. Pa made em work anyways and he said they couldn’t stay in bed. It gives you red eyes as well.

 

Adam kisses ladies in the saloon sometimes. I seen him. There’s a spot where a fellar can lie on the ground and see under the swinging door of the Silver Dollar if your careful not to stay there to long and get stepped on. I lay there one day and saw Adam kissing this lady in a short skirt. When I asked him bout it later but, he didn’t answer. I told him how am I gonna know how to kiss iffen he don’t tell me how, but he said to shut up. Sometimes he’s right moody.

 

My other best friend in the whole world is my horse Cochise. I sometimes call him Coochie. I got him for my birthday when I was 12 and he’s the best horse ever. Adam says that his horse Sport is the best ever, but I say he’s wrong cause Coochie is. Cochise is a pinto and that means that he’s more than one colour. He’s black and white and he’s real pretty. Not pretty like a girl but … pretty like a horse is pretty. Him and me like to ride around real fast but we don’t do it when Pa or Adam is around cause they don’t like us to. Pa thinks I’m gonna fall or something. He don’t really understand how good a rider I am. Anyways, iffen I fall off then I can jest get back on, but Pa don’t seem to understand that. I think it’s because he’s scared I’m gonna get killed like my mother did when she fell off her horse and broke her neck. I ain’t gonna though.

 

I reckon it’s nearly supper time now cause I can hear Hop Sing rattling pots in the kitchen downstairs. That’s good cause I’ll get to leave my room soon. I can see all over the back yard and clear down to the creek iffen I look out of my window, and I can hear Hop Sing in the kitchen iffen I listen real hard sometimes. He hears me sometimes too. I know that fer sure cause sometimes he’s waiting ger me when I slide off the roof after I get out of my window. He don’t do nothing or tell Pa, he jest stands there and looks at me until I haveta go back up agen. He don’t understand that a fellar can’t stand being up here all by himself. I told him that I was always going to see Cochise in the barn even when I weren’t, but he never seems to believe me, so I haveta come back up again. Just as well it ain’t Adam who sees me. Hop Sing don’t mean nothing by it, he jest thinks like Pa does and says that I need to be punished when I get into truuble. He yells a lot sometimes, but he loves us all.

 

I can hear Pa coming upstairs now, so I reckon he’s gonna tell me that I can come down fer supper. Sure hope I don’t get another tanning. I will put this book somewhere safe so’s that I can write in it again. It’s kinda fun writing in it when a fellar has got nothing else to do stuck up here.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

1st December 1857

 

Funny how this book has turned up again in all the mess under my bed. Guess I’m still no better at keeping my room clean at twenty-one than I was at fourteen, although at first glance it looks OK. I think I’ve just got better at shoving everything under my bed. I’d forgotten all about the book and I’ve had the best fun reading back over all that I wrote all those years ago. I never did get around to writing in it again, although Lord knows I spent enough time up in this room to be able to fill it up completely. Still, I never was much good at doing things I said I’m going to, but it seems I’m meant to write in this darned thing every few years, so here I go again.

 

 

 

Seems kinda strange now that I look back on it. When I was seven I couldn’t wait for Adam to get home, yet when I was fourteen I couldn’t wait to be rid of him. Pretty typical of the age I suppose, although I still feel like that about him even now that I’m a man grown. That older brother of mine can sometimes be so hard to get on with. Would you believe that he still treats me like a kid sometimes? Hard to understand the way his mind works as well. One minute he’s quite bearable and the next he’s going on about one of his pet projects or other. Gee he’s boring at times! He and Pa had this big fight about windmills once. Adam reckoned that we need one on the ranch and Pa said that we don’t. Pa says that sometimes Adam’s education gets in the way of his thinking and I think he’s right. Still, we did end up getting a windmill and it’s a good thing, so older brother does know what he’s talking about. Even Pa agrees with that.

 

 

 

Adam is real smart, there’s no doubt about that. He thinks he’s real clever though and that gets on my nerves sometimes. Seems that every time I go to do something Adam has done it before or at least he’s full of advice about how I should do it. He can be real irritating sometimes.

 

 

 

Hoss ain’t though. Don’t know what I’d ever do without that big old brother of mine. He and I get on real well and now that I’m fully grown I guess he depends on me quite a bit. You know … with the ladies and such-like. I must admit that I have quite a way with the ladies, even if I do say so myself. Hoss don’t seem too confident with the ladies, although there was a couple of women he liked. There was that Emily girl that he was right keen on, but she went away and died the next winter. He was real cut up about that and it took him a long time to get over her. Then there was that Helen Layton. Best not to talk bout her though. Me and Adam fixed her good. She wasn’t really in love with Hoss, just after his money that she thought he had. Sometimes Hoss is so busy seeing the good in people that he gets in fixes without knowing about it.

 

 

 

Since I can remember, Hoss has been bringing home strays and that includes people as well as animals. Pa says he has a heart as big as his body and I know that’s true, but sometimes I wish he’d just think before he brings some of em home. Funny, because that what Pa says about me. He says I should learn to think before I do things, so I reckon it runs in the family.

 

 

 

Not older brother Adam though. He sure does lots of thinking. Sometimes he sits up in his room for ages thinking out plans for the ranch and then he and Pa have lots of discussions about what he’s come up with. I wish everyone would take as much notice of me as they do of Adam. After all, I’m a man grown now, but everyone seems to think I’m still a kid or something. I’m tired of being the little brother lots of the time. I’m tired of the name Little Joe too. When Pa says it then it ain’t too bad, but when Adam and Hoss say it, then it sounds like their making out that I’m a kid or something.

 

 

 

After all, I’ve been engaged to be married already. Honest! Her name was Amy and me and she was gonna get married before she died. That was real sad and I grew up a lot at that time. Some people might say that I was too young to be married back then, but I knew my mind and I loved her. I think I lost my mind though when that crazy Tirza girl showed up. She was a gypsy and I think she put the devil back into me again. Honest! I thought I loved her, but now I reckon I didn’t.

 

 

 

There was another lady too a long time ago. I call her a lady cause she weren’t no girl, but there are some who called her other names too. I don’t care what they said, she was always a lady to me. Julia was her name and she was … well, she was famous round these parts for the sort of thing that usually goes on upstairs of the Silver Dollar. She had her own place … called it Julia’s Palace … and it was real classy. She taught me a thing or two I can tell you! But I ain’t gonna talk bout that here, cause it’s kinda disrespectful to her. She’s dead ya see … and she was the loveliest lady I ever met. Reminded me what my mother might have been like I reckon. Anyways that’s what Pa says mighta attracted me to her in the first place. She spoke French and came from New Orleans just like my Ma did.

 

 

 

So you can see that I ain’t inexperienced when it comes to the ladies. In fact, I reckon I’m more experienced than my brother Hoss. He’s still real shy with womenfolk and Pa says that he really despairs of any of us ever giving him any grandchildren. It don’t look like he’s gonna get any from Adam, that’s for sure!

 

 

 

For all his brains, my brother Adam has real strange taste in women. He’s right popular with em like I am, but he just seems to pick some that are right weird. First there was that Regina woman that he just up and took off after. She had a strange family … Quakers or something like that and I guess it didn’t work out cause of their differences. I’m not quite sure what happened, but I was glad that he broke it off with her. She was right strange! Then there was that woman he met when he went off and got himself hurt a while back. Ruth her name was. Seems that the injuns worshipped her as a woman god or something. I mean, come on! Can you imagine her in our family?

 

 

 

Actually, I wish that older brother would settle down with someone. That way maybe he’d be happier and not pick on me so much. Anyone would think that I was a kid the way he carries on sometimes. I think he’s jealous of my natural good looks and charm. Anyways, if he settled down then maybe he’d move out and get a house of his own. I reckon that’d be good and it’d give Pa some grandchildren too.

 

 

 

Sometimes I reckon that my Pa ain’t ready for grandchildren but. He’s still an attractive man, my Pa. I reckon that’s where I get my good looks and charm from. There are always women running after my Pa and maybe one day he’ll surprise us all and bring home a wife? I have a feeling that my Pa has had quite a past with the ladies if you know what I mean, although he don’t talk about it that much. There was this Countess lady who came all the way from England to try and get him to marry her, but we soon got rid of her. She was a right pain and brought this horrible painting over that she wanted to hang up in the living room. Thanks goodness she ended up cutting it to pieces or we woulda been stuck with it. She tried to suck up to me and tell me that she coulda been my Ma just because she’d known my Pa before I was born. As if!

 

 

 

There was this other woman too …. Jennifer her name was. Actually we all thought that Pa had gone and got married, but it turned out to be a trick. I was wishing that it hadn’t been, because she was a real looker and it would have been great to have her around the house all day. Don’t know how she woulda got on with Hop Sing but, cause he don’t like anyone interfering with his house. Maybe it was for the best that she didn’t stay?

 

 

 

I seem to spend a lot of my time thinking about girls and I reckon that I’ve got hot blood like my Ma had. I’ve heard people talk about her … about how she was a Creole from New Orleans. I think there’s something about her past that Pa’s not telling me, cause every time I try to get it out of him he goes all funny and says that it doesn’t matter what she did in the past. That tells me that she did do something … I just wish I knew what it was.

 

 

 

I sometimes wonder what my life would be like if my Ma hadn’t died when I was a little kid. I wonder if she woulda been able to tame that devil that Pa said I used to have inside me. I think she mighta, because from what Adam and Hoss tell me she had a bit of a devil in her too. Reckon that’s where I might have got it from. Still, it ain’t no use wondering cause I reckon I’ll never know. Don’t get me wrong, I love my Pa and he’s been real good in trying to bring me up right … but it would have been nice to have a Ma as well.

 

 

 

I used to really feel different from the other kids sometimes when I was growing up. It was like there was a piece of me missing and whenever they’d talk about their Ma’s I would feel it even more. Pa always said that he tried to be both father and mother to all of us and I reckon he did a good job. When the time comes for me to be a Pa I hope I can be just as good as he is. Not that I wanna be a Pa yet! I’ve learnt my lesson about that for sure. I reckon I’ve got lots of living to do before I settle down and have a family. Problem is that I just keep meeting girls that I want to .. you know … with and most of them are proper and seem to think that means marriage. I reckon I’ll just keep visiting them rooms upstairs of the Silver Dollar and things will be OK in that department.

 

 

 

Don’t get me wrong … it ain’t as if I go up there all the time. But a fellar gets needs sometimes and when that happens … well, I ain’t gonna talk bout that here in case someone nosey finds this book and reads it. Anyways, big brother Adam goes up there a lot and he wouldn’t dare tell on me cause he knows that I’d tell on him too! I don’t think that Hoss even knows what’s up there, but then maybe he does. Who can tell with that brother of mine? I honestly don’t know how Pa has managed without a wife all these years.

 

 

 

Pa is much better at treating me like a man now. He lets me do lots of the work that I like, especially breaking horses. We round up lots of horses from the high country and Pa sells lots of em to the army and such like, so there’s always horses to be broke. I like doing it and I’m good at it too. It sure beats mending fences and other boring chores. I think that Adam is jealous of me cause I can break horses better than him, but I don’t care. Hoss prefers to work with the cattle and he’s real good at it.

 

 

 

Pa says I’m a born natural on a horse and I reckon he’s right. I’ve still got my Cochise and we ride everywhere together, but I do like trying out other horses too. My Ma was a real good rider and Pa and my brothers had me on a horse before I could walk, so I reckon it’s in my blood. I do like working, but sometimes I wish there weren’t so much of it though. Pa says it takes an awful lot of work to run a place the size of The Ponderosa and he sure ain’t wrong! It ain’t that I mind doing the work, but I must admit that it can sure get in the way of other things a fellar could be doing.

 

 

 

I always volunteer to get supplies for Hop Sing cause I’m a naturally sociable fellar and like going into town. Trouble is, Pa don’t always agree with me spending so much time in town. What he just don’t seem to understand is that working all the time can get a bit boring and a fellar needs a break. Besides, I reckon I owe it to all the ladies in town to show my face in there on a regular basis, cause they look forward to me coming in so often.

 

 

 

I don’t want you to get the wrong idea about me though. There are other things in town that a fellar can get interested in. Like poker. I really like poker, but I’m no good at it. I sometimes lose my whole pay, although I make sure that Pa don’t find out if I can avoid it. And drinking. If I had my way I’d go to the Silver Dollar every second day … make that every day. Ranching is thirsty work and beer every now and then never hurt anyone. Even Pa agrees with that. Only trouble is that his idea of now and then and my idea of now and then is two completely different now and thens.

 

 

 

This is actually interesting writing in this book. I won’t leave it so long until I write in it again. Pa always keeps a journal and he’s always nagging at me to keep one too, but I guess I’m just not organised enough. Pa says that it does a man good to write down his thoughts. I know that Adam keeps a diary too. Maybe I’ll do this every week … just to see if it works. Wish I could get a look at Adam’s diary cause I reckon it would be real intresting to read it and maybe I could use some of the information. He hides it real good but. I haveta hide this book real good in case some busy body starts nosing around to find it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

15th May 1864

 

I had a good laugh when I read that last sentence that I wrote all that time ago. It seems that my resolution to keep a diary didn’t last any longer than the time it took to put the book away! I think that hiding it at the back of my cupboard wasn’t the best idea, because obviously as soon as I”d hidden it I forgot where I’d put it. That’s pretty typical of me though I guess. Adam says that I can never stick to anything and I reckon that in some things he’s right … but there’s no way I’d tell him that of course.

 

 

 

Still, I can’t believe that it’s been about seven years since I wrote in this book. Twenty-eight seems so old compared with the way I was back then. Reading back over my attempt to start up a diary all those years ago, it’s pretty obvious that my thoughts were all over the place. Now if this book belonged to Adam, well every paragraph would have been planned and it would have been so precise. Not me though … no siree! I guess I write the way I live my live I reckon … all over the place. Can’t help it really, so here goes yet another rambling. If anyone ever reads this book, they’ll just have to take it as it comes … cause that’s just the way I am. I say it how and when I feel it.

 

 

 

I guess I saw myself as pretty grown up back then. I thought I was a man grown, but now I know that it doesn’t matter how old you are, it’s what’s in your mind that makes you grown up or not. Pa has been real good in helping me to understand that. I think that back then I was ruled by what I thought everyone else was doing and trying to prove myself grown up to my brothers and my Pa. I guess that’s why I kept proposing to every girl that I came across. Thank the Lord that I never actually got to the altar with any of them, for I know now that they were simply a means to an end.

 

 

 

I was a young man with lots of hot blood then. I guess I’ve still got the hot blood … Lord knows it’s sometimes too hot for me to handle … but I think that I know a lot more about life now. Life is actually pretty good. I’m still a right popular fellar and have lots of girls when I want. Being a Cartwright can be a real advantage when it comes to women, for just about every Mama around here would love their daughters to marry one of us. Sometimes that can backfire on us as well though. Once those Mama’s get their hooks into you, you’d better run fast! All of us have discovered that.

 

 

 

Adam nearly gave in and got hitched a while back. Pretty widow by the name of Laura. I never said this to him at the time, but I’m sure glad that she up and married cousin Will in the end. Laura was pretty enough, but not too bright in the top storey if you know what I mean. I couldn’t see brother Adam happy with her for too long. She did have a cute daughter called Peggy though and I reckon that Adam actually loved Peggy more than he loved Laura. I heard Pa say that he thought that Adam was in love with the idea of getting married and I reckon that he’s right, only Adam don’t really know how to go about it now that he’s getting so old.

 

 

 

Funny thing is, that he could take his pick of any girl round here if he wanted to. Just like me. Even Abigail Jones was after him for a while there, but Hoss and me got rid of her and arranged for Hank Myers to sweep her off her feet. And I mean really sweep her off her feet! One day he swept her right into a mud puddle and that was real funny to see. Old Jonsey sitting down the middle of a mud puddle! Adam didn’t help none though, cause he kept on attracting her even when he didn’t want to. Could you have imagined old Jonesy in our family? If Adam had gone and married her, well then I think the rest of us woulda moved to San Francisco to get away from them.

 

 

 

Seems to be a family trait, attracting women like that. Pa sure still does it. There’s lots of women in town who’d love for him to fall in love with em. I guess that my Pa is one attractive man and having money and lots of land don’t hurt neither. There was this one woman who loved him a lot. Her name was Joan and she’d been raised by the injuns. They gave her to Pa and he helped to make her behave like white women do. Only trouble was that she ended up wanting to marry him. I reckon he broke her heart when he wouldn’t, but I’m right glad that he did. I sure didn’t want her as a step-ma.

 

 

 

I could do with a sister-in law- but. Just not Laura Dayton. Adam seems to be over her now, but he ain’t looking serious about anyone else. The problem with Adam is that he thinks a lot of himself and some women just naturally get turned off by that. So do some brothers! He goes around dressed all in black too, which looks a bit dumb. He thinks that it attracts the ladies but that is pretty stupid. Everyone knows that women like a fellar to dress good. I always wear black gloves cause I know they look sexy and I think the ladies appreciate it.

 

 

 

Pa has lots of money, but he don’t believe in spending it much. Leastways not on us. We all get our wages regular like the hands do, but Pa doesn’t seem to understand that a fellar sometimes needs more. Things in town can be real expensive, especially if a fellar has to buy drinks for his friends and play a bit of poker. Pa don’t seem to think that it’s important to buy lots of clothes either. He says that we can make do with what we’ve got and wear it until it wears out. I reckon his attitude comes from the days when he had nothing to spend. Adam has told me that they were right poor when he was young.

 

 

 

I understand that, but I still think that Pa needs to loosen the purse strings a bit more. I only have my work clothes, my best blue suit and a couple of extra white shirts and that’s it. I told Pa that a fellar needs more if he’s gonna impress the ladies, but Pa says that I impress the ladies enough without more clothes.

 

 

 

I guess I do. Would you believe that I was engaged again? I didn’t mean to be and I guess I wasn’t in love with her, but I felt so darned sorry for her. You see I shot her … accidentally of course … and she got blinded. I thought that if I married her that I could look after her. I guess I was feeling guilty and I was real relieved when she got her sight back again and left.

 

 

 

There was this other girl who wanted to marry me too. She caused me all sorts of problems. Her name was Cal … short for Calamity Jane. You’ve probably heard of her cause she’s the girlfriend of Doc Holliday. Well Cal was overcome by my natural good looks and charm and she got me into trouble with Doc Holliday who was gonna face me down in a gunfight. Now you won’t believe this, but he backed down when he realised I was about to beat him. Honest! I still find it hard to believe it myself, but it happened. Anyways, Cal went off with him thank the Lord and that was the last I saw of them.

 

 

 

Things like that are always happening to me. Pa used to say it was the devil in me, but I say that it’s not my fault. Like when I got shot. That wasn’t my fault and I don’t see how anyone could say that it was. Would you believe that it was my brother Adam who shot me? He says that he mistook me for a wolf at the time, but I have my doubts. I don’t mean that he did it on purpose, cause I know that he wouldn’t do that … I just mean that maybe it wasn’t so big of a mistake as he’d have everyone believe. I mean, whoever heard of a wolf looking like me? I don’t say much about it though, because I know he feels guilty about it.

 

 

 

I really think that Adam is jealous of me because I’m so good looking and have so much natural charm. I had to fight him a while back about a Mexican girl who was staying with us. She was a real looker and I impressed her with my musical harmonica-playing skills, but older brother had to try and go one better and get out his guitar to serenade her. Funny thing was though, that Hoss ended up winning her in the end and me and Adam still haven’t figured out how he did that.

 

 

 

My brother Hoss can be a bit sneaky sometimes. I know because I’ve spent my whole life being good at being sneaky and Pa says that it takes one to know one. I was complaining one day about having to wear pink longjohns … actually they weren’t pink to start with, but Hop Sing accidentally put them in the wash with one of Hoss’ red flannel shirts and they came out pink. Pa said that I wasn’t to waste them and who would be seeing them anyway? Little does he know that lotsa women have seen my longjohns, but that’s another story. Anyways, I was complaining about Pa making me wear them, when Hoss told me that my Ma used to dress me in pink baby things when I was first born. Seems that she thought I was gonna be a girl and had made all the wrong colour. Pa woulda made her dress me in them cause he wouldn’t want them wasted, but I can’t honestly say that for sure. I don’t know if Hoss is funning me or not when he says that, cause Pa and Adam won’t say a word about it. They just give each other funny looks.

 

 

 

The colour of my underwear ain’t that important I guess, but it does make a fellar think twice about what he’s got on before he goes into town. I mean, you never know who’s gonna see under your clothing if you know what I mean. Most of the time I just don’t wear any, but Pa says that ain’t right, so I pretend that I do. No underwear makes sense to me though. It looks better when your trousers are real tight and it saves time if you know what I mean. I like my trousers to be tight cause they show off my good legs, but I sure wish that I could wear those ones out and get some new ones. These ones were made when I was still growing and they’re too short.

 

 

 

It is important to look good and I usually look just fine. I spend a lot of time making sure that I look my best even if I’m usually in my work clothes, cause the ladies appreciate it. They all say that I’ve got the best hair and I know that I do have the best hair in our family. Pa is kinda grey now and Adam and Hoss are right thin on top. That’s another reason why I reckon Adam is jealous of me. I’ve got real thick curls and the ladies like to run their fingers through it. I don’t let them do it very often though, because I have to be careful that it sits just right. That’s because of my ears which I must admit sorta stick out a bit and are bigger than I think they should be. Pa used to say that I’d grow into them, but I never did. That’s why I have to have my hair just right and the curls need to be down over my ears. After all, it’s important for a fellar to look his best.

 

 

 

I like my work on the ranch a lot. Pa lets me do lots of the deciding about the horses now and that makes me feel like I’m really contributing a lot. Pa trusts me with the horses because I’m so good with them … just like Hoss is good with the cattle and Adam is good with the figures and the big plans for the ranch. Pa says that The Ponderosa is for all of us and I think that he’s pleased that we all have different interests in the work we do. He says that we will all be able to run it when he’s gone cause we can all take on our own responsibilities.

 

 

 

I don’t like to think of Pa not being here, although it stands to reason that one day he won’t be. I just hope that when the three of us are running the ranch that Adam lets Hoss and me have a bigger say than we do now. It seems to me that Pa leans on Adam an awful lot more than he used to and I don’t know that older brother is too happy with that sometimes.

 

 

 

It’s hard to explain, but there are times when Adam seems kind of distant. I don’t mean with me, cause we don’t always get on and he often stays away from me, but with Hoss and Pa too lately. I know that Pa worries about him and maybe that’s why he leans on him so much … to try and get him more involved in what’s happening. I get the feeling that there are times when Adam would like to leave for a while and try something different. I wouldn’t mind if he did, cause it would be nice to be able to have a bigger say in what goes on around here and that’s hard with him looking over my shoulder all the time. But then again, I suppose I’d miss him. I know that Pa and Hoss would.

 

 

 

Adam and Hoss are real close. Sometimes I get a bit jealous of that, because they tend to leave me out of things. I guess that’s normal seeing as how there’s three of us and I know that Adam gets a bit jealous when it’s me and Hoss together. We all fight at times, but we’re brothers through and through and Pa says that’s as it should be.

 

 

 

So that’s about all I have to say right now. I guess it’s pointless saying that I’ll be writing a lot more in this book cause knowing me I guess I won’t. Maybe one day I will, but I wouldn’t hold my breath if I were you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

4th February 1871

 

I’ve been re-reading the last few pages of this book and feeling a bit sad. I can’t help but feel that the last part was quite prophetic considering what happened less than a year after I wrote those words. Seven years on I feel quite old at times … much older than my years which is strange as Pa has spent years telling me to grow up and act my age.

 

 

 

How I wish that I could be that carefree boy again! Life was so simple back in those days and I never really appreciated the advantages I had. To grow up with such love in my life was something that I now realise was so special. For years I fought against what I felt what the interference of my family … now I can see that all they were only showing me love and support. Lord knows that I needed it! I was one mixed up kid for a while there. Pa always said that I was wild and he was right. I really don’t know how he kept his patience with me all those years. He really has been a wonderful father and I owe him a lot.

 

 

 

We all owe him a lot. That’s why I can’t really come to terms with what Adam did to him by leaving as he did. I try to understand it and most of the time I do, but then I look into Pa’s eyes and I find it so hard to understand how Adam could have done that to him. Adam of all of us should have known how Pa would react to him leaving. After all, he’s seen more than Hoss or I what losing someone does to Pa. He’s lost too many people in his life already, and didn’t need to suffer through Adam leaving yet again.

 

 

 

This is twice now that he’s broken our family up. The first time when he went to college I don’t remember too well. I only remember that I couldn’t understand why he had to go for a long time and that it seemed like forever until he came back. Reading back over my first entry in this book it’s easy to see how much the little boy that I was then, was hurting.

 

 

 

This past year has only confirmed even stronger in my mind that my place is here on The Ponderosa. To leave as Adam did would just tear me apart. I watched my brother closely in those weeks we had together between him telling us his decision to leave and when he actually did and I know that it was breaking him up inside too, but he still followed through with it. During those weeks he was real distant from all of us … almost as if he’d already left. Having thought a lot about it in these past months, I can see now that he was doing that for his own protection. If he had opened up to any of us about how he really felt, then he probably would have fallen apart and not been able to leave. I felt a lot of anger for Adam at that time, but looking back at it now I should have felt a lot of sympathy for him too. It’s not an easy thing to leave your family and your whole life in that way.

 

 

 

Thank the Lord that he has promised Pa that it will only be for three years … four at the most. I don’t think any of us could have taken it as we did if we hadn’t known that he would be back. I felt adrift enough as it was … almost as if I was that little kid again. Pa is going through the motions of course, but Hoss and I can tell that it’s like a piece of him is missing. I suppose this is what he was like when he lost our Ma’s. Pa has sure had a lot of tragedy in his life and he doesn’t need this. The sooner Adam gets back here the better it will be and our family can take up where we left off.

 

 

 

Funny how we come to take people for granted. I mean, me and Adam have had lots of problems together, but we had a lot of good times too and now that he’s not here they’re the times that come to mind more. He really was a good big brother to me in those years I was growing up, better than I deserved really considering what a little brat I could be at times. I never realised how much I’d miss that hard-headed brother of mine. I hope that whatever he’s doing makes him happy. There’s a saying I heard once that absence makes the heart grow fonder and I guess it’s pretty true. Maybe when Adam gets back he and me will start fighting again right where we left off?

 

 

 

Pa took it hardest when Adam left of course, but Hoss was also hurting for a long time afterwards. I’ve been trying to fill the gap for him, but it’s not easy. Me and Hoss have always been close and I could never have imagined us being able to get closer, but it has actually happened. He has had to get used to being the eldest now and that hasn’t come easy for him. After all, he’s always had Adam to look to and check things with. I think he misses him a lot still. If anyone had asked me, I would have said that Hoss would have missed Adam more than me. Maybe Hoss is just better at hiding it, after all Pa always said that I always wore my heart on my sleeve and I guess that’s true. Still, under it all I can tell how much Hoss is hurting.

 

 

 

Pa loves it when we get a letter from Adam. His eyes really light up and he can be in a great mood for days until the feeling that Adam ain’t around no more sinks in again. We both love it when Pa gets like that. He’s all lit up and the places that Adam mentions in his letters bring back all sorts of memories for Pa about places that he’s been to as well and he tells some real good stories. I guess when Adam gets home they’ll have a fine time swapping stories about all those places. Me and Hoss will sure be in for some earbashing when that happens. We won’t mind though, it’ll be great to just be all together again.

 

 

 

Hoss and me still have good times and get up to lots of things together. Pa says that sometimes he doesn’t think we’re grown up at all, but still act like little kids. I don’t think he minds though. He gets a real twinkle in his eyes when he says that. I thick he misses the little boys we once were and I like to think that we help him to enjoy life a bit more and get his mind off Adam and suchlike.

 

 

 

Like that time a while back when we decided to raise rabbits and when we nearly got Hoss to fly. Honest! Hoss got it into his head a while back that he was a musical genius and that was hard to take for a while, but he got over it. One thing my brother is definitely not is a musical genius! I thought that Pa was gonna murder that gypsy woman who told him that he was. Hop Sing liked his music, but no one else sure did. Hoss is funny that way. Once he gets an idea into his head you can’t tell him any different. Like the time he bought that gold detector and the time he dressed up as the Easter Bunny. He’s still bringing home strays too. Sometimes I think my brother is just too gullible for his own good, which is why he needs someone like me to look out for him now that Adam isn’t around.

 

 

 

Candy has been good for both of us too, although he’s probably closer to me than Hoss. He’s a fellar with a real strange background, that Candy, and I doubt that we’ll ever really find out all the things he’s done and the places he’s been. There are times when I envy him having done so much and gone around so many places, but he says that he envies me for having my roots so deep in one place. He’s real good for the ranch and Pa says he’s the best foreman we’ve ever had. I wouldn’t tell Candy this of course, but Pa has actually said that about every foreman we’ve ever had … and we’ve been through a few over the years.

 

 

 

I wonder at times how Candy and Adam will get on when Adam gets home. They’re real different and I have a feeling that older brother will kinda look down his nose at Candy, but I don’t think Candy will care. He don’t take a lot of notice of what people think of him and has even stood up to Pa at times in ways that Hoss and me wouldn’t ever dare to. 

 

 

 

He’s been a great friend to me over the past year and we’ve had some right good times. We’ve even fought over a few girls, not that we’ve even been that serious about any of them. Funny how I used to love chasing after girls, yet now it doesn’t seem quite so much fun as it used to. I think that I’m changing in that respect and to be honest the one thing I’d love to do is to find a woman to settle down with. Pa says that I’m a lot quieter than I used to be and know that he’s right because I find myself wanting to think a lot more than before. I’m not sure if it’s the extra responsibility I’ve taken on with the ranch or whether it’s because I’m finally growing up, but whatever it is I’m a lot different.

 

 

 

I used to be such a ladies man … and I guess I still am in some ways … but in a different way. I know that the mamas in Virginia City sure breathe a lot easier now when I’m around. Some of them are even quite pleasant to me, knowing that I’m more inclined to be looking after a woman rather than just looking for a woman … if you know what I mean. I think that situation with Emily really changed me to be honest. I was so hurt over what she did to me that it has taken me a long time to recover and I still find it hard to open up to a woman now. I’m not about to get hurt like that again! I can’t believe that any woman would have been willing to leave her husband just like that and go away with me. After all, we hadn’t known each other for years and were very different people when we met again, but she just wouldn’t take no for an answer. I’m lucky to have got away from that witch, I can tell you!

 

 

 

Seems that women are still real willing to settle down with me, but the problem is that I just don’t feel the same as them. That woman Meena sure took some running from and she keeps trying every time we run into each other. That Katie girl that Candy and I bought that stamp mill with too … now she was one good looker and should have been ready for some fun, but no … all she wanted was a husband and she didn’t care who she got. Me and Candy compared stories after that time and it was obvious that she was playing one of us off against the other. Women can be real manipulative if you let em!

 

 

 

There’s been two top women in my life in the past few years though. Strange how I’ve been drawn to both of them when they’ve been old enough to be my mother. Maybe that’s why? Maybe I’ve been looking for a substitute mother all this time? I was thinking the other day how I’m older now than my mother ever lived to be and that’s a strange thought. Maybe Miss Pickett and Miss Dobbs was just my way of trying to find the mother that I never had? Whatever the reason, they’re right fine women. I still write to Miss Dobbs and go to see her in San Francisco whenever I’m over that way, and I drop in on Miss Pickett now and then as well just to keep an eye on her.

 

 

 

I think that I’ve been feeling at loose ends lately because my mother has been on my mind a lot. I’m really not sure why, though. Maybe it’s because there’s that gap since Adam left or maybe it’s just that life seems to be passing me by at the moment? Pa has always said that he sees a lot of my Ma in me and I hope that’s true. I like to think that I’m like her cause it makes me feel connected to her in a funny kinda way. Sort of like the generations going on and things being passed from one person to another.

 

 

 

Pa has always talked in that way … about how The Ponderosa is meant for us three and all our children. I know now what he meant when he talked about our heritage for all these years. I’d like to have a family. That’s one of the reasons I find myself looking for the right woman lately. I’d like to see the look in Pa’s eyes when he holds his first grandchild and it sure looks like he’s not gonna get that from anyone but me. Hoss seems to have missed out in that respect which is real sad, cause he would have made a great father. He got one huge shock when he got three mail order brides once by mistake, and I thought for sure that it was his chance to finally pair up with someone, but they all got hitched to other people. It almost seems like there’s a curse on our family at times when it comes to love.

 

 

 

Who knows … maybe older brother Adam will come home with a foreign wife? Now that would be interesting if he did!

 

 

 

I nearly ended up married a while back … yeah again. But this time it was for real. She was the sweetest girl, the daughter of Mr Bristol our bank manager and I couldn’t have hoped for a finer bride. My heart still aches even now when I think of how she died at the hands of that idiot Horace. I guess it just wasn’t meant to be.

 

 

 

Pa nearly got hitched a while back too. Her name was Claire and she was a beautiful lady. Hoss and me were so happy for him. I hadn’t seen Pa looking that happy for years and I know that they would have been well suited, but unfortunately she left Pa to look after her brother who was sickly. It was a real shame, cause Pa needs someone in his life. I sense that he’s real lonely at times. He says that his sons are his life, but I know that he would be able to find a place for a woman there too if the right one came along. I’m sure that he’s been real lonely over the years and I wish that he’d find someone to love.

 

 

 

I think that Pa feels that he’s unlucky in love and doesn’t want to trust himself to anyone else. After all, not many people live through the deaths of three wives and live to talk about it. I don’t know how he ever survived the tragedies that have come his way and it’s a sign of just how strong he is that he has.

 

 

 

I sometimes look at Pa and feel an ache when I see how old he’s getting. I know that it stands to reason that he’ll be gone one day … but I hope that it’s a long time away yet. He has given over to me and Hoss a lot more of the running of the ranch now and I must admit that I’ve enjoyed the responsibilities of it. I’ve tried to involve myself more in the administrative side of things because I know that Pa is feeling a gap there since Adam left. He needs someone to bounce ideas off and to take some of the paperwork off his shoulders. Lord knows that Hoss isn’t interested in that sort of thing and it would only make him miserable to try. I’ve actually surprised myself by enjoying it.

 

 

 

It makes a fellar feel good when people respect you in business deals. I feel that I’ve done quite well too and Pa says that he’s confident in my decisions. I know that it eases his mind to think that the ranch will go on as always if anything happens to him. Mind you, I won’t mind handing some of it back to older brother Adam in a few more years. I still enjoy the freedom of the more physical aspect of the work and being able to get out on the ranch a bit more would be more to my liking. Besides, Adam will probably be out of condition by the time he gets back and would prefer to be behind a desk.

 

 

 

Pa and me have all sorts of plans about the future for The Ponderosa. We both feel that it’s important to look after the land and we’re not about to make decisions that will affect it in a negative sense. There are so many developers around here now who are out to make a quick buck and we always have to be on the lookout for them. Pa has seen too many ranches go under in the past because of lack of good management and none of us are prepared to allow miners or developers get their hands on our land. Pa says that he’s never been able to stop fighting for the good of The Ponderosa since he first arrived here. Seems that there’s always been someone wanting to do things to ruin the land. I know that he feels good about the fact that neither Hoss nor I will allow that to happen once he’s gone.

 

 

 

I seem to be writing an awful lot about Pa not being here, but I guess it’s because I’ve just been trying to think a lot about life and what it all means lately. I sure hope I’m not turning into a deep thinker like older brother Adam. That would be too much to take! I’d rather be out there doing things rather than thinking about them, but when a fellar gets older it seems to just naturally happen that way.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

9th August  1878

 

I can hardly bear to write this, but Pa always said how writing down one’s thoughts helps, so I need to try it. I’ll try anything if it helps. Lord knows that something has to! It’s just that it makes it all seem so real when it’s put down in writing and if there’s anything I don’t want, it’s to think about how real it has all been.

 

 

 

There are so many days when I just want to crawl into a hole and leave my life behind, but I can’t because of Pa. He’s the one thing that has been keeping me going for the past two years and I don’t know what I’d do without him. Pa was the one who suggested that we contact Candy and ask him to come back and take control as foreman again and I thank the Lord every day that he agreed to. We really need him now that Hoss has gone and who knows how long it will be before I’m thinking straight again?

 

 

 

I know that Candy covers for me a lot, although he’d never admit to it. He wouldn’t want me to know that he does because he wouldn’t want to upset me, but I know that I’ve been making a lot of bad judgement calls lately and if it wasn’t for him then we would have had quite a few problems on the ranch. That new man Griff has been a great support too. Strange fellar that one, but seems to know what he’s doing. He’s a hard worker too, which I guess comes from the time he spent in prison. From what I understand you don’t get a chance to be a slacker in there.

 

 

 

Jamie has been trying to hold his head up and act like a man, but I know that Hoss’ death has hit him hard. He has never really been that close to either of us, but no one could have lived with my brother Hoss and not felt a lot of warmth for him. Jamie has been good for Pa these past few months, keeping him occupied. It’s turned out to be a good thing that he adopted him. I have even found myself shying away from Pa some days when I can’t handle things and when I do at least I know that he has Jamie there to talk to.

 

 

 

Pa says it’s worse for me than anyone … losing Hoss and then Alice all in the space of a year is more than anyone should be expected to bear … and I feel that too. I feel that I lost my past when Hoss died and my future when Alice did and how can anyone be expected to go on without either? There sure have been many times when I haven’t wanted to.

 

 

 

I know that Pa is so worried about me, but there’s not a lot I can do to help that. He’s grieving himself over Hoss and just when he started to feel a little better, Alice died. I feel that my marriage was helping Pa to get over the grief he was wallowing in over Hoss and then to see me this way … poor Pa. He really doesn’t deserve the grief he’s had in his life.

 

 

 

I think that if Adam turned up on the doorstep right this minute I’d punch him. I’m so angry with him! It would have been easier … at least on Pa … if Adam had been here of course. I really can’t forgive him for how he has let Pa down during the past few years. So much for coming home in three to four years! Pa tried to contact him after Hoss’ death, but not having had a letter for nearly two years prior to that meant that we were never really sure if he even found out about it. He certainly hasn’t tried to make contact with us. The last address we had was when he was in Australia, so who would know where he is now? We can only hope that he’ll make it back one day and I hope that Pa lives long enough for that.

 

 

 

Strange to think about it, but Pa aches for me and I ache for him in our grief, yet there’s not a lot we can do for each other. We talk a lot about things and share our memories of Hoss a lot, but beyond that … well, no one can fill the aching gap in our hearts. I can’t believe that Pa has been through this sort of thing so many times before. I always knew he was a strong man, but I’m only now coming to terms with just how strong he really is. If I have half the strength that my father has, then I know I’ll get through this.

 

 

 

Who could believe that in the space of one year life could turn on me so quickly? It’s so hard to remember at times that all this has happened and I often feel as if that big brother of mine is just going to come waltzing in the front door with yet another of his strays for us to take care of. Hoss was the most … I find this hard to write … he was the most wonderful, caring person I’ve ever come across. That’s not just because he was my brother that I’m saying that. Since his death, so many people have told me and Pa of the ways in which he helped them. People we didn’t even know have either written to us or come to see us, with stories of how Hoss helped them through one situation or another.

 

 

 

Hoss died as he had lived … helping people. He couldn’t have been any different. Pa says that we should be grateful for him being the man he was, but right now I don’t feel a lot of gratitude I’m afraid. I still feel a lot of anger. Anger at that family whose lives he saved in that river. I know it wasn’t their fault, but if they just hadn’t been there … if they hadn’t got into trouble in that wagon … then my brother would still be alive today. I can’t hold my anger in at times. It is just so unfair that he was taken from us! Why? Why did someone like Hoss have to go? It just isn’t right!

 

 

 

I go to visit his grave from time to time when I feel the need to talk to him, and I pretend that he’s sitting there next to me down by the lake telling me what to do just like he always did. I used to hate the way he and Adam would tell me what to do all the time and treat me like a kid, but I’d give anything … and I mean anything … now just to have them back again so that they could tell me off. Why do things have to change? Why can’t we stay the same? Why do the people we love always leave?

 

 

 

Pa tried to make things a little easier for me to bear and gave me a beautiful black stallion for my last birthday, but even he up and died on me. Probably just as well in a way though, because I wouldn’t want old Coochie to get jealous. Cooch and I are still the best buddies and he’s the one person … I know he’s a horse, but he sure feels like a person to me … well he’s the one person I can confide in. Many’s the nights I’ve spent in the barn with him when I couldn’t sleep, just rattling on about this and that. One thing about Cochise, he’s a good listener and he hardly ever interrupts.

 

 

 

Nothing could ever replace Cochise. Nothing can ever replace the things or the people you love. Not Cochcise, not Hoss, not Alice, not a mother who died before you were old enough to remember her properly, not even Adam.

 

 

 

Maybe things would have been better if Alice and my child had lived? I often think about whether it was a boy or a girl and I honestly wouldn’t have minded either way. I was so excited when she told me that she was expecting … I remember that I jumped straight onto the back of the buckboard and rode after Pa, yelling the news to him at the top of my voice. I’ll never forget the look in his eyes when he heard the news. After all those years he was finally going to get the grandchild he’d hoped for and then …

 

 

 

Well, if our baby had lived then I would have something to live for now … something to plan for the future with. Why does God do these things and take away our hope just when we need it the most?

 

 

 

I really can’t allow myself to write about Alice’s death, because I don’t think I could stand seeing it in print. She died in such a horrible way. To die in a fire is just … Well, I can’t go there. After my grief had subsided a little all I could feel was blind fury at the men who had done it and when I went after them I honestly didn’t care if they hung me for shooting them down like the dogs they were. I have Candy to thank for talking some sense into me at the time and I know he was right in what he said, although there are days when I wish that I’d turned the gun on myself after they died.

 

 

 

The one thing that really stopped me was Pa. I couldn’t do that to him of course. Pa has always been there for me and my brothers and no way could I turn away from him and ask him to deal with my death as well as Hoss’. So I live on, although sometimes I wonder if it’s actually living that I’m doing. I just go through the motions. I work, I eat … when Hop Sing forces me to … I sleep … when I can. But it isn’t really living … it’s more just existing.

 

 

 

I’ll never find another woman like Alice. She was one of a kind. I’m sure that Hoss would really have liked her and I know that she would have liked him a lot. I don’t know of anyone who didn’t get on with my brother Hoss and I’m sorry that they never had the chance to meet so that I could have watched them together.

 

 

 

I wonder what will happen to The Ponderosa now? No Adam to talk of, no Hoss and me …. Well I’m only a shell of the man I used to be. Pa always has Jamie of course, but an adopted son isn’t really the same thing, is it? I shouldn’t say that I suppose, but it’s the way I feel and I can’t hide it. Anyway, he helps Pa look to the future and that’s so important for him. Anything that helps Pa is fine by me.

 

 

 

I mostly don’t feel that I have a future. I wish I did, but I just can’t seem to get the feeling back that I have anything to live for. Sometimes I feel like my life is over, and yet forty-two isn’t that old! I’m still a relatively young man, yet how come it is that I feel so old and dispirited? I must keep going for Pa though. I won’t let him down if I can help it … he’s had too much of that from other people already.

 

 

 

If only Adam would write! He’s not my favourite person for what he’s done to Pa, but I do still love him. He’s my brother after all and Pa really needs him. I guess that he’s made his life away from us now and I have my doubts that we’ll ever see him again. I can’t tell Pa that of course. I keep saying that I’m sure he’ll get in touch with us and I keep thinking of excuses for why he doesn’t, but my gut instinct is that he won’t. I hope to God that I’m wrong! In the meantime I’ll try and keep this ranch going and keep Pa’s dream alive for him. It’s the least I can do for the man who has given me so much. I’ll make him proud of me if it’s the last thing I do!

 

 

 

I guess that’s what my future is, now that I think about it. I have to live for Pa and his dream. Since he was a young man he always had this dream of a place of his own. The Ponderosa …. as it turned out. He worked on it and sweated over it for years .. and he expected us to do the same. I never really wanted to live anywhere else in the world and now I’m glad that I always stuck close to home. I’ll put my life into The Ponderosa and keep Pa’s dream alive for him ….. even if in years to come it is Jamie’s children who inherit it. At least they can look back and say that they inherited something to be proud of … something that the Cartwright family made.

 

 

 

Folks round here never refer to me as Little Joe now … only Pa occasionally uses the name when he’s in one of his reflective moods. Funny how I fought against the name for years, yet now when I hear it I get a warm feeling inside. Some nights we sit in front of the fireplace together with Hop Sing hovering around serving us coffee and talk of old times. We talk about Adam and Hoss and all the good times … and there were a lot of them … it sure helps. It helps both of us. A fellar has to have memories, cause what good is life without them? They help you to bear the hard times.

 

 

 

 

 

——————–

 

 

 

 

 

The writing stops abruptly here and unfortunately there are no more entries. I must admit that in reading these entries I have been quite touched by the life of this Joe Cartwright and I am very keen to find out what happened to him. I did a bit of research and found that there was in fact a Cartwright family who lived on a large ranch near Virginia City Nevada during the time these entries were written. Whatever happened to them I haven’t been able to find out, but I’ll continue to try and discover their fate. There are so many questions unanswered …. Did Adam ever come back? Did Ben live for very long after this? And mostly … whatever happened to Joe himself?

 

 

 

I like to think that he met another nice woman, married and had a large family … and that Ben finally got those grandchildren he ached for. Perhaps he did …. I certainly hope so, for he seemed such a lovely person and deserved a happy life.

 

Claire Young