Summary: I have referred to some Bonanza episodes in this story particularly The Avenger but also A Rose for Lotta, Mr Henry Comstock and The Hanging Posse. The story should make sense if you haven’t watched those episodes though.

I hope if any Adam fans read this story they feel I have been fair to both the boys.

I’ve split it into parts but only because it’s long and you might need some markers, I had the end before the beginning and it was just one big chapter to me!

Rated: T  WC   60,500

 

 Same Differences

“Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,

But bears it out even to the edge of doom.”(William Shakespeare)  

This is not a typical love story.

 

The two brothers stretched out lazily in their positions next to each other on the front porch. They’d been sitting there for most of the night and if it hadn’t been for the agreeable chirping of birdsong and the more discordant sounds of clattering pans emerging from Hop Sing’s kitchen, they might not have even noticed the coming dawn.

“Sheesh Adam, maybe we’d better hit the hay, it’s almost sun-up.” Joe exclaimed, although he didn’t actually make a move other than to wriggle and finally settle back against the wooden support.

Adam grinned across at his fidgety young brother, ” I guess this is something of a novelty for you Joe…seeing the sunrise…I mean.”

Joe was about to protest but then gave it up and grinned instead, agreeing, ” Yeah I guess I do sleep through it most mornings.”

He shuffled about in his position, finding it hard to get comfortable again and this drew a quizzical expression from his brother. Joe gave up on his efforts, “Well if we ain’t goin’ to bed maybe we should surprise Hop Sing and go collect his eggs for him…”

Adam smiled fondly at his young brother, “Good idea, only after you little brother, being as it’s you that’s having trouble sitting around doing nothing, now me, I’m perfectly happy to just sit here.”

The banter was so easy, the affection very real and yet just yesterday Joe had almost left the Ponderosa because of Adam and they’d fought bitterly only yards from where they sat so amicably now.

In his kitchen Hop Sing peeked through the window and smiled, he was well aware he’d find Number one and number threes sons still out there talking on the porch. Ben and Hoss knew exactly where they were too; it was the reason they had slept more peacefully than they had for a long time.

Adam and Joe Cartwright had passed the night companiably, sometimes talking and other times just sitting, completely at ease in each other’s silence.

Looking back neither one of them could’ve fully explained exactly what had happened between them and how it had got so bad, it seemed the easiest thing in the world right now being brothers. They were just thankful it was over and neither man was ready to call it a night.

Everyone knew these two particular brothers had crossed swords in the past, in fact if a week went by and they hadn’t people were more likely to be surprised.

While they did have a deep love and respect for each other, in a family that was not usually afraid to demonstrate that love, somehow they couldn’t always admit it to each other. It didn’t help that they could view the self same incident and see it so completely differently,

‘And ne’er the twain shall meet,’ as Adam might say…”He ain’t ever gonna see things the same as I do,” as Joe would.

Partly it was because what Adam viewed as guidance, Joe had begun to see as unwanted interference. Out of all of three brothers, Joe was the most likely to give them all good reason for concern over his well-being.

Only a couple of months before, he had taken it upon himself to escort the famous actress Lotta Crabtree into town and he had unwittingly walked straight into a trap. Adam had been astounded at his brother’s disregard not just for his own safety, but also for ultimately putting all the Cartwright’s in danger. Adam had been angry at the men who had attempted to kidnap his youngest brother and he hadn’t given a thought to his own safety when he’d gone after them with their Pa and Hoss, but after the dust had settled it was Joe’s part in the escapade that still rankled, it had all been preventable. Not that he would have traded the kiss with Lotta, he wasn’t made of stone either.
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To Joe of course it had all been an adventure, one that his lively spirit just could not deny. A beautiful actress, an illicit trip into town, a daring escape and a romantic interlude in a French Café. He chose to overlook the swat on his backside from his father as he was sent home with a flea in his ear. And he didn’t dwell on the fact that his older brother took up where ‘his’ romantic interlude had ended. In Joe’s eyes he’d had it all under control, he really had escaped with no help at all except maybe for a well-thrown umbrella and a handy basket of laundry. The perfect adventure for his intrepid soul, well perfect maybe in all but the last part.

It was a similar story when Joe had impulsively ridden right into a Paiute camp to deliver a gift to the beautiful Princess Saratucchi. The fact he might not be have been welcomed was a minor obstacle to be surmounted and therefore only food for his adventure hungry soul. That was Joe, riding carefree through the fields, a bright turquoise bolt of shimmering, twisting, silk floating freely behind him in the wind. His only objective, to find the beautiful girl who could bring his gift to life.

He’d felt invincible as he’d galloped along, the freedom felt intoxicating, almost as heady as the thought of holding Princess Saratucchi in his arms. Fleetingly he might have considered what a well-placed arrow could do to his young body but he had the armour of youth to protect him and he’d dismissed any doubts as quickly as they had come. It was too dazzling a day and too gorgeous a vision to be denied.

When an arrow actually did thwack into a tree beside him he did suddenly did have cause to consider his neck, but Joe was nothing if not resourceful and he had sweet talked his way out of trouble with the Paiute chief and even been invited to share a meal with him. And it had been well worth having to almost choke on a little cooked rattlesnake for that dance and that kiss. Joe would remember that moment for as long as he lived, he knew he would always cherish the memory of that kiss. He really didn’t see how anything so innocent or so downright pleasurable could possibly cause anyone real offence.

Youthful passion was all that had mattered to the pair right up until the moment Chief Winnemucca, Princess Sara’s father, had arrived unexpectedly, he’d looked very angry and even worse he was not alone. Joe had been mightily relieved to see his family arrive a few moments after that, although naturally he could have probably handled it alone. If Joe had known that Princess Sara had been promised to the very tall and imposing Lean Knife, he never would have dreamed of kissing her at all, well he might have dreamed of it but he wouldn’t have acted, he was a Cartwright after all.

But, there was a more serious side to Joe too, he didn’t just chase girls, he did work hard and he’d faced tragedies already in his life.

If anything, since he’d started to work full time on the ranch, Joe could be a little over anxious to prove himself next to his father and older brothers. They were the people he most looked up to and wanted to emulate. He always accomplished the work he was given and mostly in good humour and when there were horses involved he positively thrived on it. He was still young and he might even admit that he didn’t always think right through to the possible consequences of some of his more foolhardy actions. But while he might grudgingly admit that to Hoss or maybe his Pa, he could never quite admit that to Adam.

Adam’s irritation at Joe’s latest escapade had been mild though, after all they’d had a good time at the dance at Washoe Diggings and Hoss and Joe had kept their word to save Adam a dance with one of those fine raw-boned women, in fact just like they’d promised him, she’d been the biggest and rawest of the bunch! Yes he had a lot to thank those two for!

In truth Adam knew that Joe would have been just as quick to leap to his defence in the less likely event that he needed it. He guessed Joe would settle down given time, he just hoped they would all survive intact until then. He and his youngest sibling would always have their altercations, but they were mainly short-lived.

His feelings for his youngest brother had been complicated by the circumstances after Joe’s mother had died so suddenly. He and Hoss were brothers, pure and simple and they had rarely ever even fallen out. But with Joe it was bound to be different. When Marie had died, Adam had had to step in when his father had struggled with his overpowering grief. Ben had, understandably, coped badly for a short while. While he never neglected his sons, for a devoted and demonstrative man, he became emotionally distant. Ben had found dealing with his littlest son the hardest, the hurt always so potent in his eyes and his face such a reminder of his mothers.

Even now Joe could look at you and each emotion he was feeling was evident just in his eyes, he didn’t have the guile to hide it. Sometimes just to look at him was to understand his heart and for that short time, when the pain was too fresh, it had been too painful for his grieving father to see.

But Ben had recovered and gradually took back the reins of his family. In time being with his youngest son reminded him that Marie still lived on in Little Joe and rather than filling him with sorrow, it gave him hope and a great deal of happiness.

For a small boy who had just lost his mother the withdrawal of his father too, even for a short time, would have been devastating had it not been for the support of both of his brothers and their devoted housekeeper Hop Sing.

A very young and lost Little Joe had turned mostly to his oldest brother for the emotional support a five year old needed when his world had collapsed around him. Joe’s memories of back then were hazy now but it had left him with a deep connection to his brother that he didn’t always understand and as he approached maturity and struggled for independence he occasionally rebelled against.

For that time Adam had been almost a surrogate father and mother for Joe and even though their father had been strong enough to take back his role, Adam had never completely relinquished his. He’d had too many nights holding a bewildered small brother, who had looked up to him with such trust and such need, that Adam would never completely lose that feeling and that need to watch out for him.

He had that for all his family but Joe had touched a chord in him back then and his protective instincts and a need to guide him were never too far from the surface.

Soon after though Adam had gone away to college and naturally Joe hadn’t wanted him to. Even though he’d had it explained to him, he was far too young to really understood why. All the little boy really knew was that he wanted his family together.

But Adam had gone and they had all missed him badly, but they’d got on with their lives and eventually they welcomed Adam back with open arms when he’d finally came back home. But Joe had managed without him and he was no longer the dependent little five year old he had once been, so the relationship had shifted. Joe was given to high emotions but he was also now a tough little eleven year old that would jut out his chin and take on the world if he thought he had to. His father understood him perfectly just as he’d understood his mother, who he still so achingly resembled, but after the years apart Adam couldn’t always keep up with his little brother’s unpredictable temperament.

Now, at eighteen years old and anxious to prove himself, Joe had begun to resent his older brothers interference. He felt guilty that he did, he knew how important Adam was to him, but in the churning emotions of post adolescence these feelings constantly fought with each other and it could be a volatile mix. Joe on occasions resorted to anger and cross words with Adam simply because he couldn’t reconcile the love and gratitude he still felt towards his brother, with his desperate need to be his own man. He could tolerate the interference from his father but with Adam he felt a need to separate himself. For a kid that wanted to be as good at everything as he saw Adam to be, each rebuke and each criticism was like Adam saying to him, “You aren’t’ up to it kid.’ It wasn’t how it was meant, far from it, but that was how it felt. For Joe it added a competitive edge to their relationship that he never had with Hoss.

To an outsider Joe could appear confident even cocky, so Adam was sparing with his praise to temper that ‘cockiness’. For Joe’s part, where he had once accepted everything Adam said he was now more likely to question a directive or find a different way of doing things. When Adam didn’t have the time or patience to explain why he wanted it done his way, Joe would eventually conform with a shrug of his shoulders that hid his frustration, but he would usually get on with it.

Adam’s praise when it did come still meant a lot to Joe though, especially if it came without an added word of caution, that always took the shine off it for Joe. Outside the Ponderosa, he was pretty sure of himself, somehow within it’s folds and under Adam’s over critical eye, he often felt he came up wanting and the brash self-preserving instincts he’d built up when his mother died and Adam had left came to the fore. All too easily his insecurity became a show of over confidence and added another layer of misunderstanding between two brothers who really cared about each other more than either one knew how to admit any more.

Despite this, people were always telling them how alike they were and that was why they clashed. It was an observation that Joe vehemently denied, almost as vehemently as Adam did,

” Me? Like him? Why the kid never thinks before he acts, he doesn’t have a serious thought in his head unless it’s about a girl or his horse…”

“Me? Like him? You’ve gotta be kiddin’ me. Me, like stuffy ol’ Adam? He wouldn’t know a good time if it stood up and clobbered him on the jaw…”

And in some ways they were both right…but they weren’t really so far apart either, not then anyway.

Almost imperceptibly it had changed. Afterwards it was obvious when it had started, but at the time neither one saw it or felt the first real break in their relationship. But something fundamental did change and it very nearly destroyed them both.

**Part 2

It always seemed to Joe lately that when he was getting ticked off for some misdemeanour, usually lateness, Adam would watch. Unbeknown to Joe it was often with genuine sympathy and sometimes amusement at his brothers’ plight. He wasn’t a total killjoy by any means and he was no more immune than the rest to Joe’s charms, some of his youngest brothers antics honestly amused him. But to Joe seeing his brother, either sitting in his chair or leaning on the wall by his father’s desk with that smile on his face, well, it felt like smugness,it was a look that said, ‘I knew you’d mess up again,’ Adam wasn’t even aware he did it but Joe was, he was becoming ever more painfully aware that he did it.

On the whole though things still ticked over pretty well, there would always be occasions when Adam felt he had to pull Joe up, while Joe would generally think his older brother was over reacting.

By now Joe had been working on the ranch for just over a year and he was just starting to flex his muscles, revelling in the confidence of youth and desperate to express himself and his ideas. Ben remembered very well going through all this with a young Adam. Adam denied he’d ever been as ‘ornery as Joe could be and Ben had merely smiled in response. The smile had grown wider as Adam had thrown his paper down and walked off exasperated.

‘No you were never ornery Adam.’ laughed Ben to himself.

Just like Adam had done before him with his father, Joe was unconsciously testing the water with Adam, just jostling to get their positions sorted. Usually this was fine, Adam understood more than he let on but when he had more pressing concerns he didn’t always have the patience to get into another ‘discussion’ with his youngest brother.

Ben could see what was happening but was trying not to interfere too much unless he felt he had no choice, he knew that they had to find there own way of dealing with each other for it to last.

Hoss worked more out in the field with his brothers and he too could see how things were going. He’d talked to Ben about it on more than one occasion. The upshot was that Hoss soon took his younger brother aside and asked him if he could ease up on Adam a little.

“See Joe,” he began, as they worked on a stretch of fence line one morning, “It’s only natural yer get yer own ideas and that’s good, ain’t nuthin’ wrong with that boy. It’s just sometimes yer just have ta accept that Adam’s got a lot more experience than you do and you just gotta listen and do it his way.”

Joe stopped pulling on the wire for a second and looked at his brother. For a long moment he looked like he was about to argue but then his face softened and he grinned, Hoss could usually get through to Joe.

“I know it brother, I just can’t seem to help myself sometimes, I don’t know why, I mean it don’t happen with you. But I’ll try Hoss, I promise. ”

Hoss smiled and squeezed his brother’s shoulder. “I know ya will shortshanks,” and they picked up where they’d left off and finished the mending in double quick time.

The next few weeks passed very smoothly and Adam guessed at his brother’s intervention. He thanked his middle brother one day as they curried their horses in the barn. Hoss had just grinned and said,

“Anything for a quiet life brother.” and they’d walked amiably back to the house with Hoss rubbing his hands together as he anticipated hushing his growling stomach with one of Hop Sing’s tasty meals, all was alright with his world.

Ben was relieved too that they seemed to be sorting things out amongst themselves, he had a lot of justified faith in all three of his sons.

Adam did have some misgivings though when Ben soon after suggested that Joe be given a very responsible trip into town. Ben was quick to point out that Joe had earned the chance and that maybe he could use it to prove something to them all and maybe himself into the bargain. And to be fair he had given them little cause for concern lately. Ben decided that it was a good time to give Joe a little more responsibility and in essence Adam agreed, it could be good for him. The urgent need for the trip had arisen because Ben needed a document returned to his solicitor prior to Adam taking it to Placerville the next day. There was also quite a large bank draught to be deposited.

Joe was pleased when Adam asked him to make the trip, Ben had deliberately left Adam to issue the orders to Joe and also to tell him he could have a few hours off in town. Joe couldn’t be happier, a chance to show he was reliable and a trip to town, his perfect day. He couldn’t have imagined then how complicated his day would turn out to be.

Joe set off the next day with the contract to be delivered to Hiram Wood, safely tucked into his saddle-bag, together with the bank draught. Hiram had closed for a half hour when Joe arrived so he took the bank draught to deposit in the Virginia City bank first. As he entered the building he smiled happily when he saw that Allie, the very pretty new teller was behind the counter. He was pleased to see the girlish way she blushed and pushed her hair behind her ears and looked anywhere but at him when he walked through the door. When she looked up he smiled and handed her the paper.

“Could you bank this for me Allie? I’d be grateful if you could check it’s filled in correctly too please?” he asked her.

He was pretty sure it was in order, but he had loved how she had pulled herself up before carefully perusing the slip in front of her, clearly feeling quite important and immediately losing some of her shyness.

“Yes um Mr Cartwright, I’d be happy to.”

” Call me Joe please.” He said softly and smiled and she went to pieces again, all previous poise completely forgotten.

” Um..yes..er.. Joe, everything seems to be perfectly in order.” She said as efficiently as she could as she stamped it hurriedly and passed it to the back office before handing Joe the receipt.

“Will that be all that I can help you with today Mr um Joe?” she asked, having regained her composure.

An obvious retort had first come to Joe’s mind and had this been Suzie from the Bucket of Blood she might have been surprised he didn’t use it, but Allie was so nervous already he just couldn’t bring himself to make her blush or feel uncomfortable around him. He wished he could stay a little longer but he needed to get to Hiram’s office.

” Yes thanks Allie, that was all I needed today, but I hope I’ll see you again real soon.” And he winked at her as he tipped his hat and she smiled back, already regretting she’d been unable to get him to stay just a little longer. She was cross at herself, with anyone else she was totally at ease but with Joe Cartwright, especially when she hadn’t been expecting to see him, well she just went all to pieces.

Joe wandered back over to Hiram’s office with a definite spring in his step and he was relieved to find that his father’s attorney had just returned and pulled the blinds up on his front door. Joe had planned to wait outside if he was too early just to be sure and catch him as soon as he could. Joe knew the importance his father placed on this contract and having Hiram check it over in fine detail before Adam took it to Placerville the next day. Joe safely delivered the signed contract for his father and carefully collected the proof of delivery. Hiram insisted he stay for a coffee and Joe obliged, although he would much rather have left, he had some of his own friends he’d like to see. Joe had made good time and a three hour ‘pass’ into town was not to be wasted.

Although on the ranch Joe felt comfortable with the older ranch hands he was young enough to feel ill at ease with some of his father’s older friends, particularly any whose daughters he’d once dated. In that at least with Hiram he was safe, he’d never dated Betty May Wood. As far as he knew she was seeing Hirum’s assistant Jerome, who Joe didn’t take to much at all.

Joe made conversation politely and actually really enjoyed hearing Hiram told him stories of the new horse he’d recently acquired. Joe said quite genuinely that he’d love to pop over sometime to see the spirited animal. Then he made his goodbyes and left, whistling happily in the knowledge that everything was going just fine.

Joe’s next port of call was the street around the back of the Bucket of Blood, he was hoping to find someone in particular there. And he wasn’t disappointed, there sat Suzie sunning herself on the back step, her hair swept back and her eyes closed against the warming rays of the sun. She heard Joe approach but she never moved; she knew it was him by his jaunty step and the soft whistling. Usually she hated for these quiet moments by herself to be interrupted, but not by Joe. As he sat comfortably beside her she didn’t even open her eyes as she said,

“Hi Joe, this is a pleasant surprise.”

“Hiya Suzie I was hoping you’d think so.”

“And how’s my favorite cowboy?” she asked and now she did look at him as he leaned back and made himself comfortable next to her, unconsciously mirroring her actions as he shut his eyes and drunk in the warm sunlight on his skin. ‘My you are a handsome devil Joe Cartwright’ she thought to herself, not for the first time.

Joe was totally oblivious to her admiring glances and answered her spoken thoughts instead, “I’m fine thanks Suzie, I had some things to do for Pa in town, I was hoping I’d see you though.”

Joe and Suzie had a history; she had been his first conquest although it was debatable whether anyone had conquered anyone, it was very mutual. Suzie always preferred the company of men to women and Little Joe Cartwright had brought a sparkle back into her life that lately had been missing. It was more than just his exuberance and good humor, they could talk, he was the only one she really talked to about real issues. They had solved most of the world’s problems and even some of their own right there on that back step.

Suzie particularly loved to make Joe laugh; his laugh was the happiest most carefree sound in the world to her. When she’d first got to know him she’d seen in him a passionate, open, lovely young man who lightened her soul in her increasingly disillusioned world. And he still did that for her and she had been very happy to ease him into manhood and possibly prevent his demise into an early and maybe ill-timed marriage.

Joe had fallen for her the first moment he’d seen her. They’d started as friends, became lovers and made, for them anyway, the easy transition back to friendship. They enjoyed each others company and Joe always gave Suzie the total respect he had always felt for her. He never judged her and she loved him for that. He was in the process growing from awkward boy to desirable young man but his attitude to her had never changed. He valued her friendship and always would.

She broke the silence that had settled comfortably between them.

“Everything ok at home Joe?”

Suzie knew he’d had some difficulties lately with his oldest brother who she knew as a polite and courteous gentleman. Adam for his part knew she was a good friend of his brothers and wouldn’t even dream of flirting with her.

Joe answered eventually, in no particular hurry, ” OK I guess. Pa sent me to do a coupla’ things for him and Adam is probably expecting me to mess up as usual.”

“Maybe he’s not Joe.” Suzie offered thoughtfully.

Joe shrugged.” I s’pose, I won’t, so it don’t matter anyhow.”

Suzie looked worried, she suspected there was more behind the non-chalant shrug of Joe’s shoulders but she respected he might not want to talk about it just now so she changed the subject. She was his friend first and she knew when not to pry.

“Any girls caught your eye lately?” she asked, always an interesting subject!

Joe grinned at her; ” Maybe…I dunno… there’s a girl at the bank..she’s very nice…maybe. I dunno…”

Suzie always felt a little pang when Joe met a girl, she would be happy for him but she knew that one day he would meet ‘the right one’ and he’d have to stop calling by. Somehow she thought that might not be for a while though.

The pair of them sat and chatted on and before they knew it a couple of hours had nearly gone by. It was Suzie’s’ afternoon off and she was in no hurry to go anywhere and Joe still had time to spare. He had planned on a couple of games of cards with Pete down at the livery stable but that could wait for another day. As they talked Joe’s stomach made a loud rumbling sound. Suzie laughed,

‘I guess you’re hungry Joe!’

He nodded sheepishly, ‘ I hadn’t noticed, I better go get something to eat. Do you want to come with me, we could go to Sally’s?’

She shook her head, “Dressed like this Joe? I don’t think so.’

“I think you look just fine,’ he said gallantly and meant every word.

Suzie smiled at him; he really did see her for who she was, beyond the glitzy clothes and too much make-up. With him she could drop the mask, in fact it didn’t even exist to him and she loved her friend for it.

“Tell you what, I could fix us a plate and we could eat right here, catch the last of the afternoon sun, only one thing Joe I promised Madam Lulu that I’d fetch her a package from the dress shop.”

Joe was more than happy at the prospect of more time with Suzie and something good to eat, “That’s fixed then, I have some tools to get for Pa at the mercantile so I can fetch those and pick up the package too, it’s right along the street and I’ll be back before you know it…. what’s in the package?”

Suzie shrugged and looked at the paper in her hand, ” It doesn’t say Joe, just some dresses I guess, they’ll be all packed up and they are paid for so you’d only have to collect them, here’s the slip.”

With that Joe jumped up and dusted down his pants and winked at Suzie, “Have you got any of that cold chicken and apple pie we had last time, that was delicious.” His mouth watered at the prospect, he really hadn’t realised till now how hungry he was.

“I’ll see what I can find Joe, I’ll be back before you are…” and she skipped off inside.

Joe took up the challenge and hurried off down the street. First stop was the mercantile for those supplies. Nothing much just the tools his pa had ordered. Next Joe flew outside towards the dress shop, the hoped for chicken and apple pie, not to mention Suzie’s pleasant company was calling him and there was no time to lose.

It was only when he was half way through the door and the tinkling bell had loudly announced his arrival that Joe wondered at all if this had been such a great idea. He suddenly felt very, very flustered as three inquisitive pairs of eyes all turned as one and were now firmly fixed in his direction. Trying not to drop his bag of tools Joe fumbled in his jacket pocket for the slip of paper Suzie had given him. He located it with the tips of his fingers and triumphantly pulled it out. Only for it to flutter, ever so slowly down to the floor. Joe tried to grab at it without dropping the tools but just missed it each time. The three sets of eyes watched his every move…fascinated. Joe made a half grin as he bent down to retrieve the paper only for his hat to fall off in the process. He grabbed the small slip of paper and shoved it safely back into his back pocket so he was almost back to where he’d started. Almost, his hat still remained on the floor challenging him to reclaim it. He spied it just by the side of one of the ladies shoes. All eyes were still upon him and he meekly approached the lady.

He felt so hot he was sure his face must be a brighter shade of scarlet. He could feel sweat already beading on his brow. ‘ C’mon Joe’ he assured himself, ‘you can handle this…remember you’re a Cartwright.’

” Excuse me ma’am, ” he mumbled and went to tip his hat only to remember it was still exactly where it had landed on the floor…right by her shoe.

‘Pull yourself together Joe, it ain’t that hard,’ he encouraged himself as he approached the stern looking lady, he wondered if he’d ever dated her daughter as he drew a disapproving stare.

” If I could just get my hat here,” he nervously stated as he hurriedly bent down to retrieve it, he just wanted to be out of there as quickly as possible now, the cold chicken and Suzie were no longer his primary incentives. As he made a snatch for his hat the brim of it accidentally caught the hem of the ladies dress and that too was lifted up along with the errant hat.

The lady immediately stepped back and hastily covered her ankle and brushed her dress down with a haughty and extremely loud, “The very idea!”

Joe couldn’t remember ever being been so completely embarrassed in the whole of his young life. Usually he was so confident with the ladies but he’d become a jibbering wreck and he vowed then and there to never ever come inside these premises again. He tried to apologise.

” I’m truly sorry, ma’am that was a pure accident, honest it was.” Lily Mae Evans continued to stare him down and sorry to say, it made him talk more than he should have, such was his anxiety to explain himself. He knew he should stop but his mouth was like a runaway train and was no longer completely under his control.

“Ma’am I only meant to get my hat…believe me ma’am the very last thing in the world I wanted to do was lift up your skirt…” Joe knew straightaway that hadn’t come out right and the ladies face told him he wasn’t far wrong.

Mrs Allen behind the counter at last came to his rescue. She’d actually enjoyed every minute of the whole show and only very reluctantly decided now was the time to put the poor lad out of his misery.

“Now then Little Joe Cartwright, what exactly can I help you with? Something for your Pa maybe? or Hoss or Adam… a nice bonnet perhaps?” and she tittered slightly, ever so pleased with her little joke.

Joe gave a forced smile politely acknowledging her feeble attempt at humour. He was merely happy to get this over with and he clumsily searched his back pocket for the slip, nearly dropping it again and starting over the whole sorry episode.

His now very clammy hands successfully retrieved the increasingly crumpled paper and he passed it swiftly to the storeowner, just anxious now to be rid of it. Unfortunately he passed it so swiftly to Mrs Allen that Lily Mae Evans at the counter had to lean back sharply out of his way in order that he didn’t accidentally brush her very ample bosom with his hand.

“Sorry ma’am..er…again that was a pure accident… nuthin’ more.” he stammered, just managing to stop himself explaining that the last thing he ever…ever wanted to do was to touch her ample bosom. Joe was in danger of getting himself a reputation he neither wanted nor deserved!

He couldn’t even look directly now at Miss Evans and definitely not at her bosom, so he kept his eyes averted while he explained to the storeowner, ” I’m just here to collect these Mrs Allen, I’m…er…just doin’ a favor…”

Mrs Allen smiled, ” Well I should hope these aren’t for your Pa young man, or we’d surely need a bigger size.” and she laughed helplessly and was now joined by the other ladies. This was Joe’s idea of torture and he silently swore not only would he never go in this store again but he might give Virginia City a wide berth for a long time to come.

Still laughing at her own humour Mrs Allen went back to retrieve three large white packages.

“Here you are Little Joe,” she said as she placed them in his arms, he had to let the bag of tools dangle down at the side to ensure he kept a good grip on the packages.

It was difficult to manoeuvre like this and he gingerly made his way to the door. He thought he heard one of the tools fall from the bag but by then he was past caring. He’d get his Pa another one, he’d get him a whole store full so long as he never had to come in here again.

“Would you like me to help you with the door Little Joe?” asked Mrs Allen, trying not to laugh at the poor boys predicament. There was no doubt who would be the talk of the afternoon ladies society for the next few weeks with snatches of conversation like;

“You should have seen the poor boys face, couldn’t wait to get out of there he couldn’t.”

“Well I do declare Lily Mae if I’d had me that Joe Cartwright in my store I’d have made him blush for sure, he’s such a cute one.”

“That he is Margie Ann!” and you should have seen him when he all but lifted up my skirts!”

“Were you as cross at him as you looked Lily Mae Evans?”

“Well now how could I have been, a sweet boy like him, poor thing looked plum mortified, I thought he was gonna feint right there in front of us, it was all I could do not to bust my corsets laughing.”

Unfortunately tales of Little Joe’s visit were destined to liven up many a dull afternoon, and not just at the afternoon ladies society, for some time to come.

Right then though, Joe felt as if he’d provided enough entertainment for one day and his only ambition was to make his final escape and this he finally achieved after politely accepting Mrs Allen offer to hold the door open for him.

“Um thankyou ma’am, that’s a big help.” he said as he struggled out of his private nightmare. Mrs Allen held the door wide open and smiled kindly then winked back at the other ladies as the bell tinkled once more signalling his hasty retreat. Joe silently repeated his vow never to darken their doorstep again as he heard their laughter following him all the way down the street.

Poor Joe raced clumsily past the mercantile not looking anywhere but at the boxes he was carrying, he was desperate not to be seen. That was how come he had the misfortune to walk straight into Sheriff Roy Coffee without even seeing him and Joe spilled not just himself but three boxes of assorted ladies corsets all over Virginia City’s main street. There were emerald green silk corsets, black ones, bright red ones that perfectly matched Joe’s face and the very pretty pink one which Roy Coffee now dangled from his finger tips just above the head of the highly embarrassed boy now sat in a sorry heap at his feet.

“Oh your Pa is gonna love this Little Joe,” laughed the sheriff as Joe silently declared to himself that not only would he never visit the dress shop or Virginia City ever again, it might be a long time before he’d even feel ready to leave the anonymity of The Ponderosa. Sid from the mercantile had heard the commotion and he now dangled a pretty yellow corset alongside Roy’s green one. Once they’d finished laughing they at least deigned to help Little Joe repackage the items in question, well after a fashion. They then proceeded to talk long and uproariously about which one was for Adam, and Roy thought this was the best, which was for his good friend Ben. They finally sent Joe on his way having extracted every ounce of mirth they possibly could from the situation. Way too much mirth if you asked Little Joe. That boy sure was a caution they agreed. Joe just wanted to go away and die quietly somewhere.

But Little Joe Cartwright straightened his shoulders, held firmly onto his packages and his bag of tools and after a couple of deep breaths he made his way back to Suzie and normality.

“Hey Joe, what took you so long?…oh my gosh Joe! what have you done with the packages?” she asked wide-eyed.

Joe recounted the whole unhappy story and by the end of it they were both on there knees laughing.

“I tell you Suzie those ladies looked at me sterner than Ol’ Adam does, I ain’t gonna be afraid of nothing after that.” Joe told her earnestly.

Suzie was helpless. “I’m sorry Joe, I thought they were dresses, really I did,” She gathered herself long enough to hold one of them up and tease him some more. “Now for you Joe I would have chosen this beautiful emerald green one, to match your eyes, ” and she carefully selected another one and held it up

“And this blue one for Hoss?.” by now Joe was ready to join in and he picked up a lacy black one.

“And this one for brother Adam!” By now they were both nearly crying. When Joe recounted the part when he lifted up the ladies skirt Suzie seriously wondered if it was possible to die laughing.

Fifteen minutes later they had repackaged the garments and were tucking in to the cold chicken and potatoes as if it was the only meal they’d ever eaten and very soon it was all gone.

“That was fun Joe, no one ever makes me laugh like you do.” And Suzie leaned against her friend as she giggled again.

Joe looked rueful,” Well I didn’t actually set out to make you laugh you know… or Roy Coffee or Sid or them ladies from the store, I may never come into town again… and I mean ever again.” And he groaned and buried his face in his hands. But he turned his head when Suzie ran her hand through his hair and told him it would be the town’s loss if he didn’t and he’d smiled his gorgeous smile at her and she knew he was joking.

“I guess I’d better head back, it’s not late yet but I want to be sure I get back on time, don’t want a lecture I guess.” Joe said as he made to rise.

Suzie looked thoughtfully at him, she knew he often liked to stop and pay his respects at his mothers grave on his way home. He’d often spoken about her to Suzie and she’d seen her picture. Watching Joe’s face as he talked about her made it easy for Suzie to picture this beautiful vivacious lady and she knew Joe cherished her memory and the times he spent quietly by her graveside. To an outsider Joe might be dismissed as a happy go lucky rich kid but the truth was he had already known deep sadness in his life and lost other people that he had loved as well. It was not his nature to dwell too long on such things in company but he carried them with him. People wore their sadnesses differently.

She wondered if it was part of the reason behind the devil may care Joe Cartwright approach to life. He’d learned very young in life that it could be taken away abruptly so every moment was there to be savoured.

Suzie watched him as he checked his pockets for the two important receipts and then as he bent down to scoop up the bag of tools, she also knew how important it was for him not let his Pa down, on purpose anyway.

“Ok Joe, it’s been a fun afternoon, we’ll do it again soon huh?”

And he nodded as he placed his hat on his head and pushed it back so the curls popped out. He leaned across to kiss Suzie goodbye on the cheek, regretting once more their pact to remain just friends, as he answered her,

“Yes it has thanks Suzie, but maybe next time I’ll come into town in disguise, I certainly couldn’t face Roy Coffee again in a long while!”

As he turned to go Suzie grabbed hold of his arm. She didn’t want to hold him up, she just
hoped he did nothing to deserve a lecture this time and she wanted to tell him. Although Suzie knew Joe complained about Adam she also knew deep down how much he loved and looked up to his oldest brother. She’s seen him when Adam had been in trouble or hurt and she knew Joe would do anything for his brother if he needed him. She tried to ease his worries.

“Hey about those lectures, next time why don’t you do what I used to do in school, we had this mean old school ma’am, she didn’t like me any more than I liked her I guess and she was always lecturing me about something.

Anyhow when it got too bad I started picturing her in my mind with the dunce hat stuck on her head. I don’t why, but it helped. Next time ‘Ol’ Adam’s lecturing you why don’t you picture him in that lacy black corset, I guarantee it’ll take your mind off the lecture.”

Joe pulled a face like he was picturing something, and then shook his head rejecting it and laughing, ” I might try the dunce hat though! Let’s hope I don’t need it this time hey?” and he winked at her and made his way down the street turning back when he got to the end in time to see Suzie retrieving the plates. They waved their goodbyes but their recollections of their afternoon made them both smile long after the other was out of sight.

Well on his way home now, Joe made a slight detour and stopped at the spot where his mother was buried. He tethered Cochise and sat by the side of the lake just by his mother’s headstone. He removed his hat and half prayed and half chattered as if she were just there beside him. He told her all about Suzie and the incident in the dress shop, although he did leave out the part where he accidentally almost groped Lily Mae Evans bosom. He told her about Allie at the bank too and lastly he told her how Pa, Adam and Hoss were and he didn’t forget Hop Sing. Finally he scooted about picking the prettiest wild flowers he could find and placed them on the grass in front of the stone. The headstone looked cold and final but the flowers softened it for Joe and his mother had loved wild flowers. That was something he could remember, going into the woods and picking flowers with her. When Joe took his leave of his mother he realised he’d stayed much longer than he meant to.

As he untethered Cochise he spoke gently to him, “Oh heck Cochise I’m runnin’ late, what say we take the short cut, you up for it boy?”

Cochise whickered softly before Joe mounted in one graceful leap, replaced his hat and rode off quickly for home. His mothers heart would have leapt at the sight, she’d have been very proud of how her little Joseph had grown into a man.

Joe was about half way home on one of the rougher tracks when he spied a sorry sight by the side of the trail.

A peddler was sitting on an upturned barrel with his head in his hands. The cart was there but there was no horse in sight.

Joe cautiously approached the man; it could have been a trap after all.

The man had heard him coming and looked up, but he was feeling so dejected he hadn’t moved. Joe decided he looked safe enough and decided to see what he could do to help.

“Hey mister, what happened to your horse?” Joe asked him.

The peddler who by this time had drunk a few glugs of whiskey was in no mood for explanations.

“What happened to my horse? What do you think happened to my horse…he flew away that’s what happened to my darned horse. Fool kid. What do you think happened to my horse?”

Joe was a little taken aback by his rudeness; after all he was only trying to help.

“Now look mister, I only stopped to see if I could help, now if you don’t want any I’ll be on my way.” And he made to go.

The peddler called him back, ” Now look sonny, don’t get me wrong I wasn’t turnin’ yer away exactly, my horse run off, I hit a rock and lost control and before I could stop him, my horse run off.”

Joe had made up his mind to help him anyway; he’d have looked for the critter despite his cantankerous old owner.

“Which way’d he go? I’ll go look up the trail and see if I can find him.”

“There ain’t but one way he could go…he went that way.” And he pointed up the trail.

Joe shook his head, “I’ll go take a look.”

Joe had to ride for about an hour before he eventually found the horse. He saw the tracks but had to leave the trail and go on foot for quite a way. This slowed him down considerably and he was pretty sore and bedraggled when he made it back to the suddenly transformed old peddler who smiled at the sight of his runaway horse.

He couldn’t do enough for Joe then as he hitched the horse back on to the cart before he could run off again.

Joe asked him, “What are you doin’ here anyhow? You’re a bit off the beaten track you know, are you lost?”

The peddler scratched his head, “Well to tell the truth sonny I turned off the road to find a place to sleep for the night. I generally find that preferable to bein’ by the open road. Didn’t mean to come this far though. I’m very lucky you happened along young man, you must let me give you somethin’, a little reward for your troubles.”

Joe shook his head, ” No, honestly that won’t be necessary, I ought to get back to my family, they’ll be worryin’, you sure you’ll be ok? We could put you up at the ranch you know.”

“Sonny I been sleepin’ out under the stars since long before you were born…I’ll be alright. Wait there a, minute boy, if I’ve been a cause for concern to yer folks then I must make amends, now let me see…”

And he rummaged around and found the very thing.

“Now then laddie here’s something for your mother, a good looking young man like you she must be a beautiful lady, how about a pretty lace handkerchief for her?”

Joe knew the man couldn’t know and he didn’t mean any harm so he accepted the handkerchief gratefully and placed it safely in his back pocket. He thanked the man who he realised wasn’t about to let him go yet.

“Now young man let me find something for your pa too.”

And the peddler fumbled around and found a hip flask. It was filled with liquor and he unscrewed the stopper to show it to Joe. Unfortunately in his slightly inebriated state he spilled half of the contents all over the front of his rescuer’s shirt and jacket.

Joe groaned and looked a bit concerned at the whiskey now soaking into his jacket and explained he might get in trouble for drinking when he shouldn’t be. The old peddler was upset at the thought of the kindly young man getting into any sort of trouble with his parents on account of helping him and he genuinely tried to make amends by grabbing a large bottle of French perfume and spraying Joe liberally with it. Joe managed to stop him before he choked on the stuff and he managed a very half-hearted,

“Thanks, that’ll help.”

He couldn’t help laughing at the antics of the little guy who was still apologising profusely while he tried to wipe it all off for Joe, but the shirt and part of his jacket were soaked with both whiskey and perfume now.

‘Oh heck,’ thought Joe and it showed. The peddler immediately disappeared around the back of his cart and quickly returned, waving a new white shirt triumphantly in his hand and Joe reluctantly changed into it. When the peddler was finally assured he’d paid his debt to the boy and Joe was satisfied the peddler would be ok, he made to leave. Joe hung his old shirt through his belt letting it hang down his leg like a slightly stained and creased ceremonial sash. He looked like a crumpled but happy d’Artagnon as he rode carefully home in the growing gloom.

**

Adam had been at Ben all night moaning about Joe, he’d had a horror of a day, all sorts of little things had gone wrong and now he needed to get an early night to ensure his early start in the morning. He wanted Joe back and to know that Hiram had the necessary documents. This trip hadn’t been set as a test for Little Joe but in Adam’s mind it had become one and as far as he could tell he had failed. But like his father he was genuinely worried too, something might have happened. He couldn’t get too mad until he knew his brother was safe. Adam and Ben were about ready to erupt when they finally heard the youngest and most errant Cartwright’s horse come galloping into the yard and pull to a hasty stop.

They waited expectantly inside while Joe, like he always did, took his own sweet time in settling Cochise and their worry was gradually replaced with growing irritation.

When Joe had finally made it back home, he was a little dishevelled and, despite the peddlers efforts, he still smelt pretty strongly of whiskey and perfume. After he’d taken Cochise over to the barn and settled him down for the night he headed straight inside. Joe had spoiled Cochise a little, he had worked hard for him tonight, it had been a difficult ride home and Joe was pleased to finally be heading inside. Joe knew he was late but he couldn’t help smiling about his eventful day. He had no sense of the angry atmosphere that had been building at home and he was looking forward to recounting his tale hoping his family would find it all as funny as he did. The more he thought about it the wider his grin grew until he was positively beaming when he eventually opened the door and entered the ranch house.

As soon as he had made it through the door and caught the angry looks from Adam and his father and the worried one from Hoss, he realised he’d better do some quick explaining, and he tried.

“Hey…now look I can explain…” Joe started, he was still in a good humour and he laughed as he said it.

Adam didn’t see the funny side at all and he strode over to him and he immediately caught the strong whiff of whiskey. That together with Joe’s dishevelled appearance and the secondary scent of cheap perfume, which now also assaulted his senses was all the explanation Adam needed. He was straight at him, it was a mixture of relief and the release of held back anger.

“Whiskey? Perfume? Do you have any idea how worried we’ve been? Do you ever think little brother about anything but yourself and having a good time with the latest pretty girl in town?”

Joe was getting really agitated by his brother’s reaction; he said more forcefully this time, “Now look I can explain, it isn’t what it seems.”

Adam had heard it before and he was in no mood for this now, he was tired, he needed his bed and he had that early start in the morning. He spoke accusingly to Little Joe,

“It never is with you! You had to mess up didn’t you little brother? Couldn’t even get this right!”

Joe was annoyed now, it was unfair and Adam wouldn’t even listen to him. His anger at the injustice of the situation was growing by the second,

“Now look here Adam if you’d just let me explain…” Ben was behind Adam now, his hands on his hips waiting to hear too and also quickly losing his patience. Adam already had.

“I’ve had it with you ‘baby’ brother…” Adam threw his hands up, exasperated with him and strode away.

Joe strode after him and fired back, “For your information, I did what I was asked, everything! but I met someone on the way back, he needed some help and I gave it to him. And despite what it may look like to you ‘older’ brother, I have not been drinking and I haven’t been with a girl… this evening anyway.” Joe qualified this as he remembered his pleasant afternoon with Suzie outside the back of the Bucket of Blood, but the hesitation hadn’t helped his cause at all. Seeing his father and Adam still glaring at him, Joe felt the full injustice of it all. He brushed his brother aside and slammed the two receipts on the table and despite his father’s shouts went to go upstairs. He was about to turn around and try explain again about the peddler and his horse when he gave up, muttering to himself,

“What’s the point, why the hell should I?”

Unfortunately he didn’t say it quietly enough and Ben heard him.

“You will explain yourself and without cussing young man!” Ben told him firmly.

That knocked the wind out of Joe’s sails but he was in no mood to stand there and take any more of their disapproving stares.

Joe started to explain once more, starting quietly, but getting louder and more animated as he got angrier.

“I already told you I did what you asked, I was on my way back and I came across someone and like I said, he needed some help.”

Adam sighed and that was enough for Joe and he gave it up and headed for the stairs. His last words to them were the angry words of a young man who was rightly aggrieved and wrongly accused.

“I’ve had it with you, you judge everything I do! You don’t even listen and you’re only interested in saying anything when you think you can bawl me out! Well I don’t need it! I’m not a kid and you aren’t always right!”

The remaining Cartwright’s just stood looking at each other wondering what had just happened, each with their own differing thoughts. With Ben’s experience he was wishing maybe he had handled it alone, but then he’d been pretty angry too, he might not have done any better. By Joe’s reaction though, even though Ben was angry at the way his son had expressed himself, he could tell that Joe had felt justifiable in his anger. He had no doubts now that Joe most probably had a reasonable explanation.

Adam was still furious, he had been worried and he couldn’t believe Joe had defied them and had worried not just his father, but all of them.

Hoss was worried; he hated this kind of conflict. He was torn between talking to Joe to hear his side of the story and letting sleeping dogs lie, he knew what his brother was like when his temper was up, he would take a while to listen to reason. But he’d seen the look on Joe’s face and it troubled him.

Once he was inside his room Joe sighed and sat down heavily on the edge of his bed, his good mood was ruined. He half expected to hear his father’s footsteps coming after him and he was relieved when he didn’t.

‘What’s the use?’ He thought angrily. ‘What was I supposed to do, ignore the peddlar?’

He sat for a while reliving the heated exchanges downstairs before deciding to call it a night and starting to undress. It was then he remembered the peddler’s gifts; he retrieved them and laid the hip flask on his bedside table before carefully arranging the handkerchief in front of his mother’s picture on the large wooden dresser. He leaned against the dresser dejectedly and looked across at the likeness beside him.

“Mama you wouldn’t have judged me like they did, you would have listened, I know you would, why won’t they?”

He sighed deeply before crossing the room and laying down on the bed. He glanced over and picked up his fathers hip flask unscrewing the stopper, ‘If they want to think of me as a drunkard and a womaniser they can go right ahead,’ he thought defiantly as he took a big glug of the brandy and then winced. He never had acquired a taste for the stuff. He tried another swig and pulled a face. No he was right the first time. He replaced the stopper and put it back on his bedside table. Joe had been unprepared for Adam’s reaction, why did he always have to assume the worst? Joe knew he shouldn’t have lost his temper and that most probably he was in trouble, he still half expected to hear footsteps marching along the corridor.

In fact Hoss had been just about to knock at his door but he’d stopped when he’d heard Joe’s plea to his mother, now he was angry and he went back downstairs.

Hoss’ look had transformed from worried to disgusted,

“You could have at least given him a proper chance to explain!”

Hoss angrily collected some leftovers from the kitchen and a glass of milk and stomped off back upstairs. Adam and Ben watched silently as he’d made his way up the stairs.

Hoss entered his brother’s room this time after softly knocking.

“You OK Joe?” he asked.

“Yeah I guess.” Joe answered, sounding very dejected.

“You know it’s cos they were worried ‘bout you.”

“If you say so Hoss.” But Joe didn’t sound convinced

“I do say so Joe and ya know it too.” Hoss sat down and Joe knew he’d be here for a while. Really he was glad. He hated to be out of sorts with his family.

Hoss knew something about Joe that Ben and Adam didn’t and this was a part of the reason behind his extra concern tonight. He knew a bunch of the guys Joe usually hung around with were planning on getting a group of young wranglers together and heading off in search of work. They planned on hiring themselves out to ranches on the way to wherever they decided to go and hoped for plenty of fun and adventure along the way. Hoss had been in The Silver Dollar with Joe when they’d first asked him to go along with them, his friends had been very keen that he should join them. Joe was the best rider among them but he was also a lot of fun. They wouldn’t be leaving for a few months just to be fair to their families and also to save up some cash. Hoss had seen straight away that Joe was attracted by the idea but he’d been relieved when he’d declined. He was worried now that Joe might seriously begin to consider it. Hoss also knew they’d asked Joe to go along with them more than once since then, almost pestering him about it. Joe had mentioned it only in passing since then, he still hadn’t seemed too interested, or so Hoss had hoped.

“Hey Joe, don’t go gettin’ upset with them and havin’ any wild ideas about gallavantin’ off wrangling, you know how Pa’d feel about that.”

“It ain’t like I wouldn’t write,” Joe answered matter of factly confirming Hoss’ fears that he was at any rate considering the idea.

“Talk like that sounds like you done made up yer mind Joe.” Hoss asked him directly.

” Naah Hoss, I haven’t I promise, but maybe it’s one way I’d earn a little respect around here, how old was pa when he went off to sea? And what about Pete Shaw at the triple C? He was only seventeen when he left home. I bet he never has any trouble gettin’ any respect. ”

“Neither do you Joe…” Hoss tried.

“Everywhere but at home Hoss and with everyone ‘ceptin Adam. I told ‘em I could explain but they wouldn’t listen, especially Adam.”

“What did happen Joe?” Hoss really would have liked to know how Joe had wound up so late and smelling of whiskey and perfume. he knew it had to be a doozie of an explanation.

Joe laughed but it was an empty sound. ” Hoss it don’t matter now what happened, I told them I had an explanation, but they wouldn’t listen. Pa didn’t say anything but he agreed with Adam, I could tell it. I was tellin’ the truth, when have I ever flat out and lied Hoss??”

“You haven’t shortshanks…you haven’t.”

Joe dipped his head, “Thanks Hoss.”

“They had been worried Joe, real worried, I was too.” Hoss watched as he could see his brother’s anger dissipate a little. He knew Joe didn’t really want to leave but they all knew he had a tendency to fly off the handle and say things that he’d regret later.

Joe was listening now though, even if he was still far from happy about what had happened downstairs,

“I understand that Hoss and if this was a one off maybe I could take it, but Adam is always picking at me, repeating his orders like I won’t understand them, checking my work, hauling my ass if I mess up a bit, just a little bit, but worst Hoss he always assumes I’ll mess up. It’s like being whittled away at bit by bit and I’ve had enough of it Hoss.”

Hoss tried to explain the truth, which Joe couldn’t always see, that Adam was really just guiding Joe, trying to get him to be the best rancher he could be.

“He thinks he’s helping you Joe, I think that just his way.”

“Well I have my ways too Hoss,” Joe said, the belligerence still very close to the surface, “I have ideas too, especially with the horses, what’s going to happen when I get more ideas? He won’t ever listen to me and he’ll never respect me. Just because I like to have fun too, it don’t mean I ain’t serious about my work Hoss.”

Hoss had a lot of sympathy with his little brother. He had also watched when Ben had locked horns with a young Adam on occasions when Adam had been desperate to try something new and Ben had been in his eyes overly cautious. But he also understood the stress of keeping a ranch like The Ponderosa running. Right now Ben and Adam had been under a fair bit of stress over difficult business agreements and also serious competition for their contracts to provide horses for the army. It was no time just yet to be trying out new ideas, attractive as the idea might be. Joe had only been working full time as a ranchhand for about a year, so although he wasn’t excluded from the monetary side of running the ranch most of the serious discussion would be between Ben and Adam.

Hoss tried to explain. “Joe just lately, and I know you don’t know about this and it ain’t nothing too serious so don’t go worryin’ yerself, but Adam and Pa have had some serious negotiating to do lately. Sometimes that can feel like a heavy load when you’d really rather just be doin’ ranchin’. They was wrong tonight Joe, but if you’d just stop and put yourself in their shoes for a second maybe it wouldn’t be so hard to understand. This contract means a lot to Pa, Adam don’t want to let him down tomorrow and they were waitin’ on your return. ‘Specially Adam, Joe, he has to be up and gone before you’re gonna even be awake tomorrow.

So they waited and they worried and then you came in grinning all over yer face smelling of whiskey and perfume. Now be honest Joe, ‘cos you’ve been known to react first and think later. What would you have thought?”

Adam wasn’t the only Cartwright that could chip away at a persons resolve. As he was talking Joe appreciated what his brother was doing and he smiled with affection at the man who could always take the heat out of his temper. ‘Between the two of you chipping away there ain’t gonna be nothing left,’ he thought to himself.

But Joe knew the answer to Hoss’ question; put like that he knew Hoss was right. They’d been wrong to jump on him without hearing him out, but looked at it like that it wasn’t too hard to see why. Joe had his head lowered and he mumbled something that Hoss didn’t get.

“Say again little brother?”

Joe looked up at his brother and said it clearer. “I guess when you put it like that…it wasn’t much to get upset over.”

Hoss grinned back and slapped his brother on the shoulder.

It was Joe’s turn to look concerned and asked him, ” These contract negotiations and the competition for the army contract, they anything we should be really worried about?”

Hoss shook his head, “It’s been a lot of extra work for Pa and Adam but I think it’ll work out, things are lookin’ much better now and if Adam gets this latest deal sorted I reckon we’ll be in the clear. Hey we’re Cartwright’s ain’t we? it takes a lot to get us down.”

Joe’s worried look remained for a little while as he tried to gauge whether Hoss was just humouring him or not but Hoss couldn’t lie to save his life either, so Joe was satisfied. He smiled at his brother.

“Thanks for explain’ it to me Hoss.”

“That’s alright Shortshanks, now why don’t we get on to what I really came up here for?”

Joe giggled at Hoss’ impish expression that could easily match one of his own. They were brothers, but they were also playmates, partners in crime, each other’s keeper and they knew each other better than anyone in the world.

“And what’s that Hoss?” Joe asked innocently, like he didn’t know.

Hoss blurted it out, “What did happen tonight Joe, I’m itchin’ to know?”

Hoss could usually talk his little brother round and when he’d sat down by him tonight he had been determined that he would again. It took a little more teasing to get Joe to open up, but now he had calmed down Joe filled Hoss in on the whole story.

They could hear Hoss laughing downstairs. Hoss’ good humour was infectious and sure enough Joe found he could actually laugh about it too, with Hoss anyway. Hoss had a way of softening Joe’s attitude without bossing him, he had a way of working him round to his way of thinking, but it was partly because Joe allowed him to. Joe soon regained his appetite and cleared his plate and once Hoss could look at him again without splitting his sides laughing, he decided to head back downstairs. He wanted to put his Pa and Adam straight on a few things, Joe though wasn’t in the mood for that, he had cheered up considerably but only really wanted to go to sleep now.

Downstairs Hoss was letting rip, he was doing what Joe hadn’t had a real chance to, telling his side.

“You only have to look at him to know it’s true and besides you know as well as I do Joe don’t lie. I’ll give yer, only Little Joe could come home late and reeking of whiskey and cheap perfume and have an innocent as you please explanation. But if he didn’t you can be darned sure he’d admit it….” Hoss stopped for breath.

Adam smiled “I guess you’re right, I’ll go up and talk to him, I shouldn’t have gone off like that.”

“No you shouldn’t,” agreed Hoss, “Not without hearing him out first, but I guess we was all worried.” He allowed.

About a half hour after Hoss had left Joe, there was another knock at his door. Joe didn’t answer, he really hoped they’d go away and let him sleep, now that he’d eaten Joe was finding it hard to fight the weariness. His father came in anyway.

“Is it alright if I come in son?”

Joe thought, ‘It looks like you already did,’ but he never minded his pa coming into his room, in truth he always welcomed it and he really wasn’t mad anymore, he was just keeping up appearances. After all they had been pretty unfair on him.

“Joe I think I owe you an apology…. it was wrong of me to jump on you like that.”

Joe couldn’t keep his bad humour up for long, once he’d flown off the handle he usually calmed down pretty quickly.”

“It’s ok Pa, when I was telling Hoss the story I had a pretty hard time believin’ it myself so I guess I can’t blame you. It did look pretty bad.”

Ben smiled with relief and approached his son’s bedside, Joe was laying on his side facing the wall, he looked all in and was half asleep. Watching him his father was torn, he had an irresistible urge to muss his hair but he knew Joe would most likely baulk at that.

Joe too was relieved they were ok again and he needed to say so, ” And Pa… I didn’t mean what I said, I’m sorry too…Hoss told me you’ve had a lot of worries.” He tried and failed to stifle a yawn as he answered his father who had absently picked up the hip flask beside his sons bed.

Joe noticed and explained although he didn’t need to, Ben hadn’t thought the worst. “Pa the hip flask is for you, you can put it with your collection, it was a present from the peddlar.” And he grinned mischievously at his father.

Over the years Ben had been given many such gifts and did indeed have quite a large collection by now. Ben picked up the flask, it was a nice one too, he looked across and spotted the handkerchief and asked his son,

“That a present too?”

“Uh huh nodded Joe, he didn’t want to get me in trouble with my folks.” And he couldn’t stifle a grin at that.

Ben grinned back at him, ” I guess it didn’t work son.” And Joe giggled. “Nope I guess not pa.”

Ben realised that Joe hadn’t mentioned about his mother when the peddlar had offered the gift, to spare the man any embarrassment. Ben succumbed to the temptation to mess up his son’s hair and Joe merely frowned good naturedly signalling his disapproval, which his father ignored.

“I’m glad to hear I’m forgiven Joe, so I guess that means you didn’t mean what you said about Adam, too?”

Joe shook his head sleepily and yawned again.” Oh No pa, I meant what I said about him…he really is a nosey inteferin’ older brother who only talks to me when he’s got somethin’ ta complain about…”

Ben looked worried, “But son, you said yourself it looked bad…”

Joe laughed sleepily, “It’s ok Pa, I’m jokin’ and I know you’re outside the door big brother, you cast quite a distinctive shadow you know.”

And sure enough there on the wall was a perfect shadow of Adam cast by the lamplight.
Joe drowsily watched the silhouette of his brother as he dipped his head and scratched it thoughtfully before entering the room.

“It er, sounded like a funny story, we heard Hoss laughing downstairs…and I’m sorry too Joe, I should have given you a chance to tell it instead of jumping all over you.” Adam told him.

Joe fought another yawn but his eyes were fluttering shut even as he spoke, “It’s ok, like I say it did sound pretty unlikely, I guess maybe even you can get it wrong sometimes big brother, I know all about that, I ain’t exactly perfect either…” Joe was rambling a bit now he really was worn out after traipsing through the woods after the peddlers horse and then the slow ride home the brandy hadn’t helped either, as his voice trailed off he finally shut his eyes completely without noticing that Adam was about to sit down, “and now if you don’t mind I really would like to sleep.” Joe mumbled as he lost his battle to stay awake.

Ben was happy to leave knowing everything was ok again but half of Adam had hoped they could have talked the story through, that he could have shared the jokes with Joe that Hoss had. If Joe had suspected that at all he would have made the effort, but he didn’t and Adam rather than sit down and talk to Joe, went back to his room feeling the gap growing between him and his little brother. He wondered what he could do to halt it.

**
The next morning Adam had made his early start and collected the necessary documents back from Hiram and he was headed back towards the livery. Mrs Allen saw him pass her dress shop and she called him back. He was surprised when she handed him the missing tool from Joe’s parcel, it must have fallen out when he’d been in the day before. When she went on to fill him in on the whole episode and Sheriff Coffee, having spotted him too, delighted in filling in the rest, Adam had had the first real good laugh he’d had in ages. He put the small pliers in his pocket and made a mental note to really talk to the kid when he got back. He already regretted his hasty words of the night before. Adam had had to leave early for Placerville, so Joe wasn’t awake when Adam softly knocked and entered his room. He had smiled when he had seen the handkerchief placed carefully in front of Marie’s picture and the crumpled up shirt on the floor.

“Only you Joe.” he’d said affectionately as he looked at him sleeping and wondered how anyone could cause so much mayhem in his waking hours and yet look so totally blameless in repose.

As Adam carried on towards the livery to retrieve Sport, he was still shaking his head and laughing at the images of his brother so helpfully and enthusiastically provided by Mrs Allen and Sheriff Coffee. He planned on bringing Joe some token back by way of an apology. He knew Joe wasn’t given to bearing grudges but he would have preferred to have made it up properly before this trip to Placerville. He chuckled once more as he pictured Joe in a heap at Sheriff Coffee’s feet, surrounded by the multi colored corsets. Guessing his father might never hear this part of the story, he foresaw countless uncomfortable moments for Joe at mealtimes.

He definitely had something on his brother now for the next time he complained about fence mending or ditch digging and he chuckled again.

But Adam’s trip became more complicated and he ended up staying a few days longer than he’d planned and when he returned there would be more important rumblings for the Cartwright’s to worry about.

**

With Adam away Hoss and Joe had plenty to keep them occupied, but Hoss took the first chance he got to talk things over with Joe again. He just wanted to make sure his brother had put aside any wild notions of going off, and also to encourage his brother, he’d been impressed with how he’d climbed down yesterday, Joe had matured a lot over the last year. He caught up with Joe while he’d stabled Cochise and he had watched and waited while he finished topping up his hay and changing his water.

“I do declare Joe, you treat that animal better than royalty.”

Joe grinned, “He is better than royalty in my eyes, there’s no better horse in the whole of Nevada, probably even the whole country is there Cooch?” Cochise appeared to bob his head and Joe laughed… “See? he agrees with me.”

Hoss coughed “Well perhaps you could say that quieter only I don’t want ol’ Chub here to go takin’ no offence.”

Joe laughed, “Well next time you rib me for talkin’ to my horse, just don’t forget you must think your horse understands me too.”

Hoss came over and joined his brother, “You feelin’ okay still over last night Joe?”

Joe sighed, “Yeah it’s forgotten, Pa and Adam came in my room after you and it’s all forgotten, I didn’t see Adam this morning though, but me and Pa were fine at breakfast, like it hadn’t happened.”

Hoss was pleased, “That’s good Joe, real good. They was awful sorry.”

Joe nodded, “I know it Hoss.”

“Like I said last night Joe, Adam was real worried, he takes a lot on his shoulders sometimes.”

“Well he don’t always have to, if sometimes he’d trust other people a little bit more.” Joe countered.

Hoss could see Joe was starting to get riled again; it didn’t seem to take much these days as soon as Adam’s name was mentioned.

“Joe it’s just he’s allus had to take a large share of the load, ever since he was a young’un he was helpin’ Pa with me and then with you when your Ma died, it’s bound to have had an effect on him.”

Joe knew his brother was right but it didn’t help with his frustration at being the perennial youngest brother. “I know that Hoss and I do know that Adam had it tougher than me, but heck Hoss it ain’t like I can arrange for me to have got born earlier, it’s a little late for that!”

Hoss sighed, ” Now you’re bein’ ornery again Little Joe,”

It was Joe’s turn to sigh, “Am I? Well I can’t go through my life apologising ‘cos I got it easier ‘cos I got born the youngest!”

Hoss could see his brother’s frustration. “No I guess yer can’t at that little brother…just don’t be so all fired in a rush to get older Little Joe, it ain’t all it’s cracked up to be.” And Hoss winced exaggeratedly and held his back as he made to get up and was rewarded for his playacting by a helping hand and a giggle as Joe rolled his eyes skyward at his brothers antics, his annoyance was already forgotten,

“Here let me help you old man.” He said as he pulled him upright, no mean feat!

Hoss grabbed for him, “Well this old man ain’t too old to give you a swat if you get too mouthy with yer elders.” But Joe was too quick for him and escaped the swat. He looked serious for a moment before saying,

“Hoss you promise you’ll let me work this through with Adam? I don’t want you gettin’ in the middle. I’ve got no notion to leave, I never did, I admit it sounds like a lot of fun, but I never thought about it seriously. Pa needs us all here right now. I’m a Cartwright and just as proud as all of you. Me and Adam get a bit tetchy with each other I know, but we will work it through, give us a chance, it’ll be alright Hoss.”

Hoss now had his brother within striking distance, “I promise you that Joe, but it don’t mean I can’t keep reminding you of everything you’d be missing iffen you did up and leave…like this…” and he reached across and knocked his brother’s hat off and mussed up his hair… “Hey ain’t it about time you had that cut little brother?”

Joe laughed and ran his fingers through his hair, trying to reflatten it and unwittingly giving an irresistible opportunity for his brother to reach down and grab him easily round his slim waist, he very easily hoisted him up onto his shoulders. Joe protested as best he could but he was still laughing.

“Put me down! what are you doing? This ain’t helping any Hoss!” Hoss just grabbed tighter and deposited him in the hay pile he’d just piled up. Ain’t nobody on some strange ranch going to do that to you boy…”

Joe gradually emerged from the destroyed hay pile, extracting stalks from his very mussed up locks and pulling his shirt free from his trousers so he could shake it out and leave the hay in the barn where it rightly belonged.

“Thanks Hoss, that really helps.” he said looking like it hadn’t.

“Yeah well Shortshanks you better get cleaned up, I do declare I can smell Hop Sing’s cooking and it smells like Fried chicken to me and I believe that’s apple pie too, and if you don’t get a move on there’ll be just bones and pie crumbs left for you.”

Joe, his shirt tails flapping in his tail wind, easily raced past his brother, shouting back at him, “Well since I aim to get big enough to dump you in the hay pile one day you big lug, it may just be you left with nuthin’ but bones and pie crumbs if you don’t get a move on.”

Hoss shook his head, “Hah that’ll be the day little brother!”

In that light-hearted moment Hoss had neatly demonstrated exactly what Joe would miss the most and he knew it. If Joe really had had any lingering doubts they’d have disappeared right then.

It was a laughing Hoss and Joe that tumbled into the house and disturbed Ben from his figures. He smiled warmly at his playful sons and was happy to leave the figurin’ behind and enjoy a light-hearted and very tasty lunch.

Joe thought about Hoss’ words a lot during the day and he went to bed resolving once more to be less trouble to his oldest brother and to make more of an effort to understand him, to try and be a bit less ‘uppity’ with him.

Adam was delayed coming back but when he did, he found a quiet moment to pass Joe the tool he’d left in Mrs Allen’s dress shop and he was rewarded with the funniest look from Joe who was beginning to wonder who else knew about his little misadventure.

Almost as soon as Adam had returned though the rumblings that Ben had been concerned about became fully- fledged thunderstorms.

The Cartwright’s had been losing mavericks and Ben suspected they were being stolen. He had also been hearing stories about a rancher named Hawkins who was nothing but trouble. The Cartwright’s would have to watch their backs for a while.

**Part 3

Any of their small troubles quickly paled into insignificance when following a confrontation over the stolen mavericks, Ben and Adam were in very short order accused, tried and wrongly found guilty of murdering Sally Byrnes father.

They’d gone over to visit Mr Byrnes, angry that he’d been buying some of the mavericks they knew had been stolen from The Ponderosa. While they were outside arguing a shot had been fired from out of the dark and Mr Byrnes had been killed instantly. Both Adam and Ben fired back but the killer had escaped. A well-known drunk and liar, presumably paid by Hawkins had been a witness that Ben and Adam had murdered Sally’s father.

Sally Byrnes had believed him though and when Hawkins told her The Cartwright’s would most likely get off, she too came forward as a witness, even though she hadn’t actually witnessed the killing.

Hoss and Joe were left to do everything they could to turn things around. The best way to save them seemed to be to persuade Sally to think again and change her testimony, but she was distraught and angry about her father’s death and she blamed the Cartwrights. Hoss and Joe couldn’t even get her to listen to them. In the meantime, they attempted to raise a petition with fifty signatures to be sent to the Governor and arranged a front page spread in The Territorial Enterprise, planned to rally some help.

The Cartwright’s were well loved and respected by most of the people in Virginia City, surely they couldn’t be hanged here for a murder they hadn’t committed.

But Hawkins was behind everything. Although a lot of the townspeople had supported Hoss and Joe and helped with the petition they had been scared off with threats to their families and wouldn’t even put their names on the sheet anymore. Baxter at the newspaper office had stood up to Hawkins men but had been scared almost half to death and was in no state to print the paper.

It had also conspired that all of the influential people of Virginia City had been out of town. Paul Martin was away. The temporary sheriff was new to Virginia City and didn’t know who he was dealing with. Hiram Wood was also out of town. Ben Cartwright was a man of influence but this had been well planned. The good people of Virginia City had hidden behind their closed doors anxious not to get on the wrong side of Hawkins who would end up taking over Virginia City as the biggest rancher around if he succeeded in ‘murdering’ Adam and Ben.

Joe and Hoss ran themselves into the ground trying to find ways to halt the hanging and reverse the decision. Even so Ben had made them promise not to resort to violence, but they had been prepared even to go against their father on that, if all else failed.

Despite it all it looked like nothing lawful could stop the hanging from going right ahead. It was night time, the streets were nearly deserted as the good people of Virginia City still cowered behind their locked doors. A fire burned brightly illuminating the stark and ugly gallows as the sheriff, his deputies, Hawkins and his men stood guard and Ben and Adam Cartwright were finally led out. Despite their promise to their father, Hoss and Joe were hidden in position behind a doorway, with their rifles poised.

Who knows how it would have ended and who would have lain dead after the dust had settled, maybe even all of the Cartwrights, but for the intervention of a man named Lassiter.

At the last minute Lassiter had got through to Sally where the Cartwright’s could never have done. He had convinced her to finally tell the truth and she had run out almost at the last minute to stop the hanging and to admit she’d lied, that she hadn’t witnessed the shooting of her father.

There’d been a shout and Hawkins had turned to fire but Lassiter shot him dead. It had been only then, when the flames of the fire had picked out Hawkins face, that Lassiter had first recognised the man who years before had unlawfully hanged his father. That was why he was here to avenge his fathers murder, but until then he hadn’t known for certain that he had found the right man.

After it was over, Lassiter wasn’t sure what had changed his mind about staying. He had been about to ride out, he’d done what he’d set out to all those years before, Hawkins was dead. But he knew there were others like him still out there and he felt committed to hunt them down.

When they’d made their initial goodbyes and the Cartwrights had all thanked Lassiter, Joe had stayed behind, in the background. He watched Lassiter as he pledged to go on looking for other men like Hawkins, Joe didn’t even want to think how he’d have felt if he’d had to watch the unlawful killing of his father, as Lassiter had done. He really felt for Lassiter because he knew the resolute man on the horse could have been him or Hoss if the hanging had gone ahead. Lassiter had noted the quiet scrutiny from the youngest Cartwright and kept in check the emotion that he had been a young man about Joe’s age when one murderous night had changed the course of his life… forever?

As he had prepared to ride out Lassiter had heard the Cartwright’s relieved laughter as they’d headed to find a drink and a meal and then he’d looked over at Sally’s café and suddenly he wasn’t so ready to leave.

Ben had made him a job offer that he’d politely declined but he was having second thoughts. He’d eventually caught up with the Cartwright’s and asked if the meal invite and the job offer Ben had given him were still open. Something had told Lassiter that if he didn’t stop his quest for vengeance now he never would.

When they’d made it to the hotel and sat down Joe had found himself seated right across from Lassiter. He felt sure the man would have preferred someone else given their inauspicious first meeting when Joe had tried to pick a fight with him, he was a little embarrassed when he sat down and Lassiter glanced across at him. Poor Joe, he couldn’t have an emotion that wasn’t written loud and proud across his face. A keen watcher of people like Lassiter could read every one and he easily picked up on the younger man’s slight discomfort and he nodded a greeting to put him at his ease and Joe relaxed a little.

Further down the table, Adam’s thoughts were never far from the feeling of that rope pulling tightly around his neck, tugging at his skin and restricting his breath. The noise of the room swirled around him but Adam was putting on appearances for the sake of his family, but his bitterness, not just for himself but for his father too, was crowding his mind. The sound of laughter around him broke through into his dark thoughts, Hoss’s deep belly laugh first, but it was Joe’s higher pitched chuckle that first entered his consciousness. What could they possibly find to laugh about?

Adam pulled himself back from his thoughts to hear the conversation.

Hoss had been recounting their first meeting with Lassiter in the barn. They were all laughing and Joe was looking a bit embarrassed when Hoss described how Joe had mistaken Lassiter for one of Hawkins men and tried to pick a fight on their eventual saviour. Lassiter looked at him and grinned and Joe was about to make a retort when Adam said, ” Well little brother it sounds to me that if it weren’t for Mr Lassiter extreme patience with a young hothead we might have kept our appointment with the hangman’s noose.”

Whatever retort Joe had in mind died fast on his lips. Lassiter saw the look of pain cross his face at what might have happened, it had wiped the smile right off his face. Lassiter felt for him, he knew he would have acted the same way in Joe’s situation, he knew, because he had. He tried to make light of it as Joe stuttered an apology.

“Hey you don’t owe me an apology, I understood how you felt and I understood even more when I got to know your family.”

Joe, still a little lost for words, smiled a thankyou. He and Hoss and done everything to try and save Adam and their Pa from the noose and had been prepared to risk their lives to get them away but the bottom line was it was Lassiter that had, at the last minute, persuaded Sally to tell the truth about her testimony and that had ultimately saved them.

It had been the first Adam had heard of the encounter and he was genuinely concerned that the man who had just saved his and his fathers life had been badly treated. But the building tension inside him caused him to strike out where it really wasn’t deserved. Adam felt the need to apologise for his brother’s rudeness, which to Joe felt patronising in the extreme. He wasn’t some kid and he could apologise for himself, but this was one time he would keep his come back to himself, Adam and his father were safe, he had his family back and he could swallow his pride.

“Well Mr Lassiter,” Adam continued, as he poured Lassiter a drink, let me apologise for my impetuous younger brother who sometime lets his temper get the better of him and I’d like to drink a toast to your forgiving nature,”

And he raised an eyebrow at Joe as he clinked glasses and everyone joined in, while Joe shrunk visibly in his seat. Lassiter felt almost as uncomfortable for Joe as he must have felt for himself. Hoss had been surprised by Adam’s reaction and he looked across at Joe and shook his head trying to tell him to ‘Pay him no mind.’ Joe for his part knew his brother had been through an ordeal but he was young enough to take the rebuke very much to heart. Not everyone had caught the full undercurrent to the conversation but Lassiter sitting just across from the boy could feel his unease. He would make a point of talking to him when it was quiet. He really had taken no offence.

Joe hadn’t realised but he had slowly earned the quiet mans respect. Lassiter had liked Hoss very much from the start and he had been impressed by Ben and Adam when he’d talked to them at the jail, but the kid had grown on him more slowly. The thanks they had exchanged outside the bar was what had sealed it for Lassiter. A quick glance, a single word but an understanding. Their earlier meetings admittedly hadn’t gone too well. When they’d first crossed paths Lassiter hadn’t known the Cartwright’s at all, or that Ben and Adam were not the men responsible for unlawfully hanging his father.

On that first meeting in the barn when Joe had assumed he was one of Hawkins hired guns and had tried to pick a fight with him, Lassiter could have happily slapped the youth down had his much larger brother not held the kid back. That wasn’t Lassiter’s style though and he’d coolly put that notion aside. As Hoss had held onto him Joe had looked very young, hot headed and to be truthful not that much of a threat. Lassiter understood the next time they met exactly where the boy’s anger had come from. He understood that part particularly well.

And later, the kid had backed down and apologised to Sally, the woman who held his father and brother’s life in her hands, even though he knew she must be lying. That couldn’t have been an easy thing to do. He’d watched too the quiet determination as Hoss and Joe had tried to rally the town and the final knowledge that if that failed they would use their guns. All this, despite a town that had turned it’s back and Hawkins henchmen following their every move. Lassiter realised that the Cartwright’s, all of them, were quite a formidable family.

At one point in the saloon Hawkins men had pulled guns on an unarmed Hoss and Joe, Lassiter had come to their rescue and got them out of there. Once they were outside Joe finally realised he could trust Lassiter and he had called him back and thanked him for bailing them, Lassiter had paused before he answered. For a split second it wasn’t Joe he was looking at but himself eight years ago in Kansas, before the need for revenge had laid claim to his every thought. He wouldn’t wish how he’d felt for the last eight long years on anyone.

No one had got very close to Lassiter since it had happened, he’d spent years honing his skills and following countless trails to find the man he now knew had been Hawkins. The relief of the final outcome and the warmth of the Cartwright’s and Sally’s company had thrown him and maybe even started to mellow him a fraction. He’d got the man he wanted, the question was what did he do now?

Adam could see Joe had been uncomfortable with their earlier exchange and as the conversation changed direction he tried to catch his attention. Hoss had proposed a return toast to Adam and their pa and they all drank heartily, Adam looked down the table towards Joe but he didn’t catch his eye and the time to say sorry passed. He would have liked to have taken back his remarks but they’d been said. Joe had been the unwitting trigger that had released only half understood emotions in him. Eventually amidst all the chatter and hubbub Adam caught his brothers eyes and they traded a look, Adam’s said, ‘Look I’m sorry kid, just give me some time ok?” while Joe’s expression just questioned, ” What’s goin’ on Adam? I don’t understand.” It would have been better if they’d said it. Joe smiled back at Adam but this time it hid the hurt he really felt.

Soon after Paul Martin had raced into the hotel unexpectedly, once he’d heard what had been happening in the town he’d made it back as fast as his carriage could carry him. Once he arrived he virtually monopolised Adams and Ben’s attention wanting to know every detail. He was naturally very disturbed about the turn of events that had nearly seen his best friend and his son wrongly hanged. There would be some harsh words spoken to the townsfolk of Virginia City in the days ahead.

Eventually the Cartwright’s had headed for home and the next day Lassiter moved into the bunkhouse. He worked well with all the Cartwright’s, he’d grown up on a ranch and though his skills were a little rusty he soon picked it up again. And he knew his horses. This meant he often worked the most with the youngest Cartwright and to everyone’s surprise over the weeks he and Joe became friends. He found Joe to be good company, eager to learn and just as eager to teach when he had the expertise. The young quixotic, hot-headed, impulsive and fun loving youngest Cartwright and the stoic, taciturn and slightly mysterious Lassiter made an interesting pair. Two complete contrasts to the outsider, but as Lassiter slowly opened up, Joe had glimpses of the young man he must have once been.

Joe remembered how bleak he had felt for him when he’d made to ride out of town, before his father had made him reconsider. He actually felt a little honoured that this enigmatic man had found something in Joe that allowed him to reveal this other side of him. Every time Lassiter made a crack these days, Joe beamed with pure pleasure, delighting in the ‘thawing’ of his new friend. Joe, without trying helped Lassiter loosen up and Lassiter gave Joe an outlet, an escape from what felt like the increasing pressure of Adam’s constant scrutiny and a genuine friendship grew.

Lassiter had long years of practise observing people, trying to pick up clues and in the weeks that followed he easily picked up on the underlying tension between the oldest and youngest Cartwright. He liked them both, they were both good people, but he had noticed that Adam seemed to be riding Joe pretty hard, more so than any of the other hands. He could see that it was getting to Joe more and more even though he tried to shrug it off. As far as he could see the kid didn’t do much wrong, he worked hard and did, so far as Lassiter could see an excellent job. But if he made a mistake Adam seemed to notice it. Joe was trying hard to do as he’d promised Hoss, especially since the near hanging and he kept a control on his temper, but bottling it up wasn’t helping him any. It didn’t come naturally to him.

The only thing Lassiter could discern was that Joe did things differently from Adam and when he had free time he wasn’t afraid to enjoy it. He didn’t always help himself or his brother by explaining things as clear as he could to Adam but Lassiter again could see why. If Adam’s intolerance finally came up against Joe’s belligerence it would be a sure recipe for sparks to fly.

He’d wondered about mentioning his thoughts to Ben or Hoss but it wasn’t his nature to interfere and generally things seemed to run smoothly. It was only when Joe and Adam were together too long that the tension arose and Joe seemed to be ensuring that happened less and less since that exchange at the hotel.

Perhaps they’d work it out on their own.

To the Cartwright’s the banter had always been accepted. Hoss teased Joe, Joe teased Hoss it was as natural as breathing and was purely a show of affection, but it was different between Adam and Joe lately. These days there’d become a bit of an edge in conversations between them that maybe it took a stranger to see. It had long been accepted as norm and the extra resistance to it from the youngest was barely noticeable unless you were watching out for it.

Adam couldn’t put his finger on why, but it was true, he was getting increasingly exasperated with his younger brother. He knew for himself he wasn’t sleeping enough and he was finding he could no longer find the solace he used to when he sat down with a book.
Usually too Joe would jump at him if they ever clashed and they’d sort it with a quick argument, but maybe because of what had so nearly happened, Joe wasn’t biting back. Instead he was giving Adam a wider berth, so nothing was really sorted and the resentments never got resolved.

In ordinary circumstances Joe could never keep an argument going too long, he was normally quick to forgive and forget, Adam found this new side of Joe harder to deal with. He found himself dealing with a dutiful non-argumentative Joe, almost like he’d given up caring what his big brother thought of him. He worked with him, he reported his work, he ate with him and he was polite. But he offered nothing else. Adam knew he was different somehow but he had no idea how to reach out and offer an olive branch to his increasingly distant sibling. He still felt he had been right in all their differences, just possibly not all that tactful.

Life went on though and that morning as they ate breakfast, Joe had been lost in his own thoughts. Allie from the bank was on his mind a lot lately and he and Lassiter were going into town later, if he was going to ask her to Saturdays dance it had to be today. When Adam and Joe passed by each other Adam had said good morning. Joe either didn’t hear or just didn’t acknowledge him, with things the way they were Adam assumed the latter. Normally he would have pulled his brother up or made a joke but he decided to let it go. Maybe a little distance between them for a while was a good thing.

When Joe and Lassiter eventually made it into town later that day Lassiter mentioned that he wanted to drop by on Sally Byrnes. Joe had still been pondering all morning whether to invite Allie to the dance, he’d talked with her a few times lately and he was beginning to like her a lot. Lassiter had to speak to him twice before he got his attention.

“Well I can see you got girls on your mind Joe,” he said when he’d finally got through.
Joe had grinned, “Yeah I have, I’ve been trying to decide whether to ask Allie to Saturday’s dance.”

“In that case,” grinned Lassiter, “I can decide for you, since we’re collecting those Texas Longhorns from Baker’s ranch, by the time we get back you won’t be in time for any dance or in any fit state to be courting a lady.” And he laughed now at the dejected look now on Joe’s face.

“Oh heck, yeah I guess I forgot.” Joe shrugged, “Oh well, there’s always next time.” Joe rubbed his chin as he reflected that he had actually volunteered to collect them before he’d known about the dance. His father was keen to cross some of the Texas Cattle Baker had introduced at his ranch, with some of his own stock and Joe had been keen to help.

As they talked Lassiter was guiding Joe towards Sally’s café. His ulterior motive was to get Joe and her to talk, they hadn’t since the day of the near hanging, none of the Cartwright’s had been in her café. For her part, she was still feeling pretty guilty and Lassiter was starting to care a lot about how she felt. Maybe if he could break the ice between her and Joe the others might follow. Sensing Joe’s reluctance he gently encouraged him. The last time Joe had even seen her was that day and even though she’d told the truth in the end, he was finding it hard to forgive her for what she’d put them through. He preferred to just avoid her so he only very reluctantly entered, just to appease his friend. The unease between them was obvious, Sally made the first move and apologised. She was almost crying when she explained to Joe how she would never forgive herself and how she hoped one day his family could.

Joe couldn’t stand to see her that upset so he said what she needed to hear. She was sorry he could see that and it was the least he owed to Lassiter.

“It’s ok Sally, you made a big mistake and anyone can see that you’re sorry, please don’t cry, it’s forgotten,” there was no point making her feel bad, she had done the right thing in the end. Lassiter smiled a silent thanks to him and they sat and enjoyed a coffee before leaving.

After that things were easier and Joe and Lassiter had often dropped in when they were in town. Joe and Sally had a few more awkward moments but once they were over that, Joe had had fun in trying to match-make her with Lassiter. Neither of them needed the help really but they were amused by his efforts. Lassiter had spent so long with one thought on his mind, to avenge the death of his family he hadn’t actually been in a serious relationship and the idea scared him. That was behind his reticence; it wasn’t that he was bashful. He couldn’t just drop back into a normal life even if he wanted to. Joe’s little tactics amused them both and helped break the ice giving them a topic they could both laugh about.

Staying with the Cartwright’s gave Lassiter some much needed thinking time too and Joe’s friendship and his lightness of spirit were the perfect cure for someone who was only just remembering how to get fun out of his life again.

Since he was nearly hanged, Adam on the other hand was finding it harder to rediscover his lighter side. Would he have been too proud to admit that he could learn this from his younger brother? His kid brother? Would he even get the chance since Joe had become increasingly wary of his older brother over the last weeks.

In the past, Adam had always been able to escape into a book but he was still finding it difficult to concentrate on any of the numerous tomes in his room. And he found he was drinking more and on his own. Not drinking to excess but just finding comfort in an extra glass or two to calm his unsettled mind.

One night he’d joined a friend for a drink in the Silver Dollar, a little escape from what was starting to feel like a heavy responsibility on his shoulders at home. It had never felt like that before, he’d always welcomed it, thrived on it in fact. Now he felt a great need to escape it and it was starting to weigh him down.

After a game of cards and a few drinks Adam headed back feeling better for the break.

When he arrived home, Joe and Hoss were laughing over a checkers match and his father was watching them from the comfort of his chair. His pipe completed the contented look. It made for a very cosy scene.

Hoss greeted him first.

“Hey brother, how about you play the winner?”

Adam saw Joe’s face fall at the thought of sitting for too long opposite his brother, even if he tried to disguise it a second later.

Adam made up his mind, “No, that’s Ok Hoss, I’m tired, and I think I’ll turn in.”

Joe’s face relaxed almost imperceptibly and Adam looked away as he headed for the stairs with the calls of “Night Adam,” accompanying him up the stairs. He sat a long while staring at the same page of a book of poetry before turning out the light and staring blankly at the ceiling in the darkened room.

Joe was simply confused by Adam these days. He felt Adam’s disapproval stronger than ever and he was very aware of the change between them, but as far as he could tell Adam was ok with Hoss and his pa. As young people often might, he took it that Adam plain and simply no longer liked him that much. He’d felt sure the last thing Adam had fancied the other night was a game of chequers with his ‘little’ brother and he hadn’t been mad about the idea himself. He wasn’t sure if Adam was as unhappy about the situation as he was but he didn’t even know how to ask. He’d often heard Adam discuss weightier issues with his father or Hoss but he never felt the oldest Cartwright paid much heed to the opinions or to the advice of his youngest brother. Joe became less argumentative with Adam simply because he had less to do with him, after all he couldn’t not be Joe just because it antagonised his brother.

Joe was his own man now, if Adam didn’t like him that way then he regretted it but he didn’t know what he could do to change it. It was all around easier to avoid issues where they might come into conflict. With new diversions in his life Joe was finding that easier to do. It wasn’t so much a conscious decision as a gradual drifting apart. So Adam was no longer really communicating with the real Joe and for Joe’s part he thought that the older brother he’d always known was drifting apart from him, at least for now. But he hoped it would change.

Something that would never change though, whether they were getting along or not, if push came to shove they would always have each other’s back. It was primal and it was part of them.

One night Joe had gone into town to share some birthday drinks with Mitch and a few friends and they were getting pretty raucous in a good natured way. There were a hard-nosed bunch of miners in town too and Roy had mentioned that fact when he ran into Adam and his friend across at the Silver Dollar. Adam’s friend was called Bill Johnson and he worked backstage in a theatre in Boston, they’d known each other back at college, Adam had been disappointed when the demands of the ranch had meant he could not get to Bill’s theatre’s opening night a few months back in Boston, so at the first opportunity on their tour Bill had called by on Adam in Virginia City.

Roy assured them there was no trouble, yet, but Roy was worried it might kick off and Joe could wind up being in the middle of it. That was all it took for Adam to suggest to Bill that they change drinking venues and head over for a few drinks at The Bucket of Blood.

Adam didn’t think Joe had noticed them walk in and stand quietly drinking at the bar, they were being so noisy, but he had.

In fact when the expected trouble kicked off it was because one of the miners objected to Bill’s ‘fine city ways’ when he’d been ordering drinks at the bar. From his table, Joe had seen and was immediately on the alert and was ready to enter the fray if needs be. His hand hovered over his gun. He saw Adam stand between the antagonist and his friend and calmly talk the man down. He breathed a sigh of relief when the miners decided to leave. Joe watched the whole thing unfold with a feeling of pride and when he was sure it had passed off peaceably he turned his attention back to his friends.

Adam and Bill then left for a meal and it was the youngest Cartwright who arrived home first and went to bed. The next morning Ben had bumped into Roy in town and Roy had mentioned in passing about Joe’s noisy night out. When Ben later told Joe perhaps he should tame his behaviour especially with miners in town Joe automatically assumed Adam had been telling tales again. He didn’t even defend himself to his father but merely apologised and left, but he was left feeling disappointed in his oldest brother.

**

While Joe no longer really reacted like he used to where Adam was concerned, Adam still occasionally prodded at his younger brother. In truth he would give anything for a little of the old sparring, it would show they were getting back on track. That morning at breakfast it just seemed to Joe that Adam couldn’t even keep his nose out of his new friendship with Lassiter.

When Adam had become aware, over a light-hearted breakfast conversation, of Joe’s matchmaking he’d looked exasperated at his brother and said,

“Come on Joe! can’t you leave the poor guy alone? I’m sure he can get along quite fine without your help.” It wasn’t meant quite as bossily as it sounded and ordinarily it might not have been taken that way either.

Hoss had been laughing but he stopped dead waiting for an explosion from his younger brother. It didn’t come. Joe who normally would have shot back a comment quicker than look at him, had at first looked like he might, but then instead swallowed the retort that was hovering, dropped his head and went back to quietly eating his breakfast.

Adam, not sure if he was regretting his comment or his brothers lack of response the most, merely watched him for a moment before dropping his serviette and helping himself to coffee. Joe was well aware Adam was watching him and waiting for a reply but he refused to give him the satisfaction. He was getting past anger, he was hurt and confused by his brother’s attitude to him and he definitely didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of knowing that. He didn’t understand what had changed between them and that just made it harder to fix.

After a quiet few moments Ben broke the silence that had descended, he had observed the whole thing. In the past Adam and Joe had bucked heads but it was done with underlying affection. Even when there was genuine anger and they seemed out of control they always reined themselves in. This was becoming different and someone was liable to be hurt. Ben decided to leave it for now and talk to his sons individually to see if he could get to the bottom of it. He initiated a conversation about the day ahead that involved all his sons, though Joe and Adam never actually addressed each other once directly. Joe was assigned a messy job of clearing a drainage ditch and rounding up strays. In fact he was glad of some something physical to take his feelings out on and he took it with good grace.

Ben was becoming increasingly concerned about Adam, he thought he knew what was behind Adam’s change in temperament but knowing it didn’t give him any answers. He knew it would take Adam time.

Later that day Ben had engineered it so Adam would have to visit where Joe was out rounding up strays with Lassiter and a couple of the hands. As soon as he saw his brother ride up, Joe had braced himself for the inevitable criticism but this time it didn’t come.

Joe had cleared out the ditch his father had asked him to first thing, with the help of one of the hands. They’d made a good job of it too, Joe hadn’t got too messy but the ranch hand had and Joe had sent him on back to clean up. Joe had then gone straight up to join Lassiter and collect those strays and that was where Adam found him now.

After Adam had checked everything was going ok he turned and spoke to Joe as he struggled and won control of a calf, ” I’ll get someone to clear that drainage ditch so you can stay and finish here Joe.”

Adam had assumed Joe would save that messy job for the end of the day and it was meant as help, but to Joe the implication that he wasn’t capable of carrying out his father’s orders rankled deeply.

Inside he knew he should have told Adam the job was done and in truth he nearly did but just as he was about too, the sight of his brother just brought out his stubborn streak and he thought, “If he wants to assume that I can’t do my job let him, why the heck should I explain myself like some little kid. Who cares what he thinks anyway, it ain’t ever gonna be good enough even if it’s perfect.’

Adam had been cross later, when he’d grabbed a couple of the men and assigned them the ditch duty only to be told there was no longer a blockage. He cussed Joe under his breath for wasting his time and rode over to check on the branding.

Joe knew he should have apologised but he couldn’t bring himself to and aside from an angry glare from his brother when he returned at the end of the day the incident was never mentioned. But it wasn’t forgotten either.

**

A couple of days later Joe had ridden out early to join some of the hands to check the last few areas in the north quarter that they’d missed on the previous days. One of their oldest hands, Lennie had taken a small crew up there first thing. As he was a passing by a water hole Joe had heard a calf obviously in distress. Joe immediately turned Cochise around and galloped over to investigate. He pulled up sharply and leapt down almost running before his boots hit the ground. He was shocked when he saw that a calf must have got stuck and in his efforts to get him out Lennie had got entangled and wasn’t moving.

“You fool Lennie, you should have got some help, ” Joe said under his breath but he could see Lennie was beyond hearing him. Joe desperately tried to halt the calf’s thrashing and was alarmed to see the state Lennie was in, his lifeless eyes just stared ahead. The calf was in a frenzy and was getting more and more entangled and trapped in the mud. With no time to spare Joe had little choice but to shoot the calf. It was the only way he could free Lennie if he was to have any chance to save him. In his heart he thought it was already too late but he couldn’t give up on him. Joe frantically sliced at the ropes and was relieved when he heard a horse galloping up behind him. Lassiter had heard the shot and jumped down beside Joe to help him free the dead cowhand. Joe had managed to get Lennie free and now he was desperately trying to rouse him, but Lassiter pulled him off. He could see what Joe didn’t want to.

“Give it up Joe, looks to me like he had a heart attack. Might have been dead before he got trapped in that mud, there’s nothing you can do for him boy.”

Lennie had worked on The Ponderosa as long as Joe could remember and it needed a second pull from his friend for Joe to cease his efforts. “The fool, he should have waited, got someone to help him. Maybe then…”

“C’mon Joe, it doesn’t do any good to think that way, it might just have been his time, let’s get back and get a wagon, I’ll come with you, there’s enough men here to get in the last stragglers. I’ll tell them what’s happened.”

Joe tried to shake himself into action, this was definitely one occasion when the eighteen year old was happy to let someone with a little more maturity take over for a while. He pulled himself up and fetched a blanket to cover the dead man. He was thinking of how he would break the news to his father and to Charlie who had both known Lennie as a good friend for so many years.

“Yeah thanks, ” he answered dully at Lassiter as he forced himself to gently close the lifeless eyes and he despondently drew the blanket up to cover Lennie’s face.

As Joe knew he would be, Ben was very distressed to hear the news, but his father had wanted to take over from Joe in getting Lennie brought back decently to the ranch. Joe protested but once his father had assured him he would take Adam with him, he stepped back and let his father take over.

Ben could see Joe was shaken up and had taken a few blows from the frantic calf before he’d managed to free Lennie. He placed a reassuring hand on his son’s arm and Joe was suddenly very relieved he wouldn’t have to go back and fetch the body. Although he wished he could spare his father it, he could see that he wanted to do this for his old friend. And he’d have Adam with him, Joe felt better knowing that.

Ben particularly wanted to tell Charlie the news himself and he asked Adam if he would help get the wagon ready while he looked for Charlie.

Adam had seen Joe when he’d come back and heard him explaining to his father what had happened. Joe was obviously still pretty upset and right then looked even younger than his eighteen years. When Adam had the wagon prepared he waited while his father broke the news to Charlie. He rebuckled his gun belt as he headed towards the house passing Joe as he headed out the other way.

Joe had been having a hard time keeping it together since telling his father the news. Firstly there had been finding Lennie like that and then, even harder telling his father knowing how upset he would be. And Joe had known Lennie all his life too. When there were things to be done it had been ok but now as Joe had gone inside to wash up he had plenty of time to reflect on the events of the morning. As he opened the door he saw Adam coming towards the house. Joe immediately looked down to avoid any eye contact with him. He thought he’d be ok with the hands and keep his composure, but it would be harder with Adam. Somehow around Adam these days, with things as they were, his emotions seemed heightened whenever he was around. Another time he would have welcomed the chance to unload a bit to his brother but not right now and not with Adam.

As they passed each other they nodded a greeting but Adam grabbed Joe’s arm.

“You Ok Joe? Do you want to talk?”

Just hearing his brother say that, Joe knew if he hung around he would lose it. For once Joe would have preferred a rebuke, it would’ve been easier to handle, he could get angry and hide his real feelings. The last thing Joe wanted was to appear upset when his father would be back any moment, he didn’t need that. All Joe wanted was to get away and ride somewhere at full pelt.

He declined his brother’s invitation,

“No, but um thanks Adam, I’m ok.” and he hurried past him with his hat shading his eyes so Adam couldn’t see that he wasn’t.

Joe took a few deep breaths, the truth was he just didn’t know where he was with Adam any more and now wasn’t the time to find out.

Adam stopped at the porch and looked back as he saw Joe join Lassiter and lean heavily on the top rail of the corral fence and he watched them talk. Adam knew Joe had had a hard time today and would have talked to him himself. He would have liked to have assured his brother that he had done all he could. Instead he watched the pair with a strong feeling of regret as Lassiter instead placed a reassuring hand on his brother’s shoulder, it felt like it should have been him with Joe. He watched for a while longer and then walked inside. Before long he heard two horses riding out fast.

When Ben came back he told Adam that he’d given Joe and Lassiter the rest of the day off, a trip to town or a little fishing would do them good. Then Adam and Ben had gone to bring Lennie’s body back.

**

Things between Adam and Joe continued pretty much the same. There was no actual animosity, just distance and neither one of them seemed capable of breaking the growing impasse. As it worked out, they naturally had less to do with each other and everyone still hoped that a little distance would help them get back on track.

Adam had had to go to San Francisco for a week and almost as soon as he came back Joe was sent off to Stillwater with Lassiter to buy some horses. It was from a breeder they knew well and Ben was happy to trust Joe’s judgement on this, he’d had a hard time holding Joe back when he’d suggested the trip. And he was happier still that he would have Lassiter going along with him.

Ben had seen how well they’d hit it off and he thought it would be good experience for Joe. He also saw Lassiter as a steadying influence. In fact Joe and Lassiter were beginning to influence each other. Lassiter had lightened up considerably but he had another reason for being glad of a trip away. He had been getting very close to Sally with or without Joe’s help! But he wanted some breathing space and this trip would give him that. Plus he’d never been to Stillwater.

As Ben had hoped, Lassiter and Joe had an amiable trip, light and dark complimenting each other. Joe seeing the splendour around him and pointing out all the high spots, insisting they stop to fish, swim and explore on the way. In the years before Lassiter would have ridden past such places hardly even noticing the changing seasons except as obstacles to his quest. Lassiter was initially resistant to Joe’s still boyish enthusiasm, but gradually he began to go with his friends flow and started to appreciate what was all around him. He’d had one purpose for so many years, it had been almost like he had to be taught to have fun again. And Joe was a very willing teacher in that department. He understood Lassiter’s darker moods too though and knew instinctively when he needed to be left alone, Joe had known pain too, yes he carried it differently but he understood it.

They came back with three good horses. One was a sorrel stallion with a striking white blaze, it was particularly headstrong and strong willed and Joe had loved it the moment he’d set eyes on it. Joe had a strong gut instinct with this particular horse and he knew he could tame him. He desperately wanted the chance to try. Lassiter shared Joe’s admiration for the horse but agreed he was a wild one. The youthful show-off in Joe would have loved for his new friend to see him tame him.

It had been a successful trip for Lassiter personally too as he’d come back with a job offer; deputy sheriff in the growing town of Stillwater. Lassiter had come across this sheriff before in his travels and he respected the man. When he had asked Lassiter if he was thinking of settling down and if he was there was a job waiting for him, he’d seriously considered it. It was a way for him to continue to avenge the murder of his father in a different way and also to honour his memory.

Joe had been with him at the time and he thought it was a good idea, a little further away than he hoped his friend might go but when he saw Lassiter was interested he could see it could be a great opportunity for him and that it meant a lot to him.

They started the ride home, Lassiter chewing the idea over while Joe imagined Adam’s face when he rode that sorrel. Exiting times for both of them.

All the way back the sorrel was Joe’s favourite theme and Lassiter was amused at how his face lit up at the very mention of the horse. There were other topics of conversation too, one night as they drank coffee amiably before settling in for the night, Joe asked Lassiter about his feelings for Sally now.

“If you take the deputy’s badge will you ask Sally to go with you?” Joe asked, not worrying if he was being too inquisitive. Lassiter would soon tell him to butt out if he was.

In fact he didn’t mind, he’d been mulling it over enough and was glad to voice it out loud.

“That’s certainly been on my mind Joe.”

“You’ve missed her then?”

Lassiter laid down his coffee cup, “Yeah Joe, more than I thought I would, but I gotta admit the thought of settlin’ down…it’s been so long, it’s a scary notion.”

Joe sympathised wholeheartedly with his friend.

“I can see that it would be… do you have to decide now though ? you could wait awhile.”

“Well the job won’t wait forever…”

“No, but if you’re sure about the job, you could take it and ask Sally to join you after, when you know for certain if you want to ask her.”

“Do you think she’d come Joe? it’s an awful lot to ask, she’d be leavin’ a lot behind.”

Joe sat thoughtfully for a few moments.

“The way I see it you’ve got nuthin’ to lose, if the job doesn’t work out or you ask her and she don’t wanna leave you can always come back and work at the Ponderosa. There’ll always be a job for you there. Anyhow I have a hunch she’d say yes.”

Put like that it didn’t seem so much of a problem. Lassiter topped up his coffee and decided to think on it some more.

“And how about you Joe, are you going to finally ask Allie out when we get back?”

Joe grinned sheepishly, “Yeah I reckon I am. I’ve been puttin’ it off too long. But yeah I reckon I’ll ask her.”

In truth Joe had been putting it off because his feelings for Suzie still clouded the issue. But Suzie had made it plain early on that she favoured a friendship and Joe cared too much about her to jeopardize that.

Joe asked something else he’d been wondering about. “Are you going to go back to your real name when you marry Sally, I mean you must have one.”

Lassiter grinned, Little Joe had been down this path before with little success.

“I like Lassiter just fine.”

Joe could tell he was being stone walled so he tried the direct route, “I’ll tell you my middle name if you tell me your real one, it can’t be any worse.”

Lassiter laughed aloud this time, “Joseph Francis Cartwright you mean?”

Joe looked disappointed, “How’d you know that?”

“It was easy, ‘Joseph Francis Cartwright get your feet off the table!’, ‘Joseph Francis Cartwright how many times do I have to tell you not to gallop into the yard like that?!’ Shall I go on?”

Joe gave in, “No…you win, I swear pa gave me that name only so’s he could embarrass me with it every time he yells at me.”

Lassiter laughed and poured out his coffee, ” Give him his due, it works.” Then he added, “Tell you what Joe, if I do ask Sally to marry me and she says yes, you be my best man and you’ll find out what you want to know.”

Joe brightened immediately, “That’s a deal.” And he poured away the rest of his coffee too before they headed for their bedrolls.

**

They made it back home in good time and Ben was pleased with their purchases and relieved they’d made it back without incident.

Once Ben had examined the horses though he singled the beautiful red as looking particularly difficult and seeing the defiance immediately spark in Joe’s eyes, he had forbidden him outright to try him. Joe’s over confidence in his chances with the animal had worried Ben and Adam had agreed. Joe was good at breaking horses but he wasn’t experienced enough to try this one they felt.
Joe had been too angry and disappointed to even argue, he’d stalked off. He was trying to remember his talks with Hoss, trying to bend a little, to not defy his father and Adam but it was so damned hard sometimes.

The next day he saw a couple of the hands try their luck at riding the sorrel but with little success and that had just hardened Ben and Adam’s resolve when Joe pleaded again for his chance. On the ride back from Stillwater Joe had approached the red and ‘talked’ to him and calmed him at every opportunity, giving the horse plenty of time to get used to him. He felt something with this horse that he couldn’t have explained, he just knew inside and he felt it strongly. And Joe hoped if he could just show Adam, show his pa, even prove to himself something, maybe the little brother would get the respect he felt he’d earned.

For Joe the temptation to try him would always prove too great. He was the first one out to the corral the next morning and he signalled the men to get the horse ready. He knew his father was heading to town but he was worried Adam might be over there soon. He wanted to make his ride before they left the house, after all how could they say he wasn’t ready when he’d just shown them he was? Joe was still angry they didn’t trust his judgement and it spurred him on. There were some horses Joe might not attempt yet, he knew he wasn’t as experienced as a lot of the hands, but why couldn’t they trust him to make the decision? Getting the chance to prove them wrong had consumed his thoughts ever since he’d been told to leave the horse for someone more experienced. It was something he felt between him and the horse, but he would have a hard time to explain it.

Charlie and Lassiter watched, they didn’t know this horse was off limits to Joe. But they needn’t have been concerned because Joe sat the horse like he’d been born on top of that stallion. Sure enough the horse bucked and twisted and nearly shook Joe off but each time he looked like being thrown, somehow he held on like he was stuck on that saddle with glue.

Adam had been about to ride out when he’d caught sight of his brother’s distinctive blue jacket, as he’d had been about to enter the corral. Too far away to stop him but guessing what was happening, he had shouted to his father who came straight out to see what was up. Adam was already mounted and heading over to the corral and he hurriedly filled Ben in on what was going on. Ben looked furious, Buck was already saddled for him and he too mounted and headed over towards the corral. Adam arrived first, just after Joe had started his ride.

He stood there for a second or two torn between respect for the horsemanship and downright annoyance at the boy’s wilful disregard for his own safety. His father stood by his side, his emotion a mixture of fear and anger. Amidst all the hooping and hollering they stood there completely unnoticed by Joe as he gradually brought the stallion under his control. Joe slid off the horse and almost sagged to the floor so great had been his concentration on mastering him. His legs felt like jelly as he tried to remain standing. Charlie and Lassiter were about to come over and congratulate him on a great ride when they were stopped by the sight of a very angry Ben Cartwright striding into the corral, Adam was right beside him, his expression more difficult to read, a mixture of admiration for the ride and ‘Oh Joe what have you done now?’

As Joe was bent down dusting himself off he hadn’t registered who was approaching him. Expecting the customary slap on the back he almost crowed with delight.

“I told you I could tame him, I just knew I could take him, I could talk to that horse I just knew I could….just wait till Pa and Adam….”

But the words stopped abruptly when he righted himself and found himself being stared down by two pairs of disapproving eyes. Joe saw his brother beside his pa and assumed he’d fetched his father.

Despite having a near perfect ride Joe found himself being humiliated in front of the whole crew and Lassiter too as his father tore into him for disobeying him.

Instead of feeling exhilarated by the ride Joe was left feeling like a chastised little kid and rightly or wrongly he blamed Adam, conveniently forgetting his own disobedience.

Lassiter watched it unfold feeling great sympathy for the boy. Joe had chattered almost non stop coming back from Stillwater about the horse, he’d seen how every time they stopped he had approached the horse, letting him get to know him, his scent, so when he came to ride him he would be more co-operative. And the kid had handled the horse perfectly, but then Lassiter wasn’t burdened by the over protective instincts of a parent, or the memories of another excellent rider, the very image of Joe, who had been just as keen to show off her riding skills.

Lassiter watched while Joe retreated to the barn to escape them. Joe was trying hard to hold in the tears of frustration that burned in his eyes. His anger was high and he knew he couldn’t talk to anyone right now, least of all his father.

If Hoss had been there he would have followed Joe. Ben strode back to the house trying to control his fury and frustration at his apparent inability to contain his youngest son. He waved angrily for someone to bring Buck the short distance home. It didn’t sit well with him to humiliate one of his sons in front of the hands. He was painfully aware that the fear he’d felt when he’d seen Joe on the horse had caused him to handle the situation very badly indeed.

Adam leaned on his arms at the corral fence feeling it all fall apart. He’d been at the receiving end of a look from Joe as he’d marched off to the barn that was a mixture of hurt and pure venom. The kid obviously guessed he’d fetched his father, as Ben hadn’t planned on being at the corral till later. What on earth did Joe expect? He’d been told firmly enough. Adam didn’t like how his father had handled it but he knew he’d been justified in his anger. But it had been a great ride. Adam thought about following Joe to the barn but he knew the reaction he’d get. Joe would be all over him all guns blazing; it was too soon to talk to him. He was probably the last one Joe wanted to see right now.

Adam leaned back against the corral fence suddenly feeling so very tired of it all.

It was Lassiter who eventually followed Joe to the barn where he found him sitting on a bale of straw with his head bowed. Just as he entered and adjusted his eyes to the gloom inside, he saw Joe thump his fists hard into the straw beside him, sending clouds of dust up. Lassiter cleared his throat to announce his presence before asking Joe,

“That feel any better?”

Joe looked startled to have company and didn’t answer at first, he just looked ahead but he finally shook his head, “No.”

He was still embarrassed at the spectacle outside and also to be caught so obviously upset. Although he had held back any angry tears he automatically wiped at his eyes.

“I’m, er sorry you had to see that.” He said as he eventually managed to look his friend in the eye.

Lassiter came over, ” It’s ok, I’m glad I saw it, it was a great ride you’re a natural Joe.”

A tentative smile appeared fleetingly on Joe’s face as he remembered his triumph. ” I guess it was wasn’t it?”

Lassiter nodded, ” Sure was,”

Lassiter watched as the smile left as fast as it had come. He knew the boy was anxious, he had to go back inside and face his father and he couldn’t put it off forever,

“I know something that will help…well it helps me anyhow. Want me to show you?” He offered.

Joe looked across at his friend intrigued but doubting whether anything could really help him much now, but still he nodded.

“Right we need an old grain sack…” and he looked around selecting one, “this’ll do, now stuff it full of straw.” he started grabbing fistfuls and stuffing them into the large sack. Joe shook his head but nevertheless came over and did the same. “There you go, stuff it down tight.”

The two of them working together soon had it packed in tight and almost to the top. Lassiter found a clear space in the barn with a strong beam above. While Joe watched he searched around and found a length of strong rope and tied the end tightly round the top of the sack. In a swift movement he threw the loose end expertly over the beam. The loose end dangled near to Joe and Lassiter instructed him.

“Right, pull her up Joe.”

Joe had pretty soon caught on to what he was doing and he grabbed the rope, happy to have his mind taken off his impending talk with his father, even just for a short time. He pulled hard while Lassiter put his weight behind the heavy sack. As the sack rose higher Lassiter checked it for position.

“Right Joe, I think that’s high enough. How about if I grab that end and you come over here and stand in front.”

Lassiter moved around and took hold of the rope digging his heels in and gripping tight, it was pretty heavy.

“Now try it for height Joe.”

Joe had realised that Lassiter had made him a punch bag and he grinned as he tried out his best left hook.

“That looks good to me, I’ll tie her off.” said Lassiter. “Countin’ to ten never worked for me and I see it’ don’t do much for you so how about takin’ it out on this punch bag and then see how you feel?”

Joe didn’t need a second invitation, the punch had felt good and he was soon stripping off his shirt and attacking it with a passion. If it had been a man he would have been mincemeat under the onslaught.

Lassiter sat and watched him seemingly impassively.

At long last Joe stopped, he was sweating and breathing hard but he felt much better for it, it had done him some good to expend a little pent up aggression. Between breaths he nodded a thanks to his friend.

“No problem Joe, between you and me I think your pa was a little hard on you, but goin’ against his express wishes is not goin’ to earn you his respect, you know that don’t you?” Joe gave a reluctant nod and satisfied, Lassiter went on, “You think you’re ready to face him yet, I think he deserves an apology and your life ain’t gonna be worth livin’ till he gets one…do you think you can do it?”

“I guess, ” said Joe.

“You know he was just worryin,’ probably thought you’d break your neck.”

That got through to Joe although Lassiter couldn’t have known why, and he swallowed, for the first time feeling a pang of guilt, “I know that he was worried, I do know why I just wish….”

“What Joe?”

“I wish that he wouldn’t that’s all… so much anyway.” Joe said wistfully.

Lassiter shrugged, ” Don’t think you can stop that Joe…the question is can you learn to live with it?”

Right then Joe wasn’t sure, “I don’t know…I really don’t know and that’s the truth.but um hey thanks for the punch bag I shoulda thought about it a long time ago. I think maybe I’ll be usin’ it again.” And he grinned sheepishly. Joe was well aware that Lassiter had lost his own father tragically and would probably give anything to have an over-protective father on his back. He wanted to tell him that he appreciated his advice, especially because of that and Lassiter sensed what was behind the sudden awkward silence as Joe struggled to say it and he helped him out.

“It’s Ok Joe…really, I’m glad to help, now get in there and get it over with.”

Joe wanted to say more but he left it at, “Thanks,” with a look that conveyed much more and Lassiter understood. Joe picked up his discarded shirt and squared his shoulders as he went to face the music. As he walked out of the barn he made a quick look across at the corral and received a wave of encouragement from Charlie. Charlie couldn’t have said it in front of the boss, but it sure had been a great ride. Joe didn’t feel so bad about being shouted at in front of the rest of the crew after that and he was grateful to Charlie. As Joe waved his acknowledgement he noticed his brother still leaning with his head down against the top rung of the corral. Joe breathed a silent sigh of relief, grateful that Adam wouldn’t be a witness to the dressing down he was sure was coming.

With a quick stop at the horse trough to scoop up some water, Joe refreshed himself by pouring it first over the back of his neck and then through his hair. He shook his hair out vigorously and replaced his shirt. Fully dressed now he was, from outside appearances at least, ready to face his father. He squared his shoulders once more as he approached the door.

His father had watched the whole display from his bedroom window. Ben had gone up there and paused at the picture of Joe’s mother, Marie that always sat there.
He held the picture in one hand and ran his thumb across her image; if he stared at her long enough her features almost came alive for him again. And Joe was so, so like her.

“Help me with him Marie I don’t want to drive him away from me, but he has to learn, he’s not yet the man that he thinks he is. Help me to control this wildness in him.”

He placed the picture carefully back on the dresser and went back to watch through the window. He’d seen Joe’s progress from the barn and he’d watched as his son had paused at the water trough and readied himself to face him. Despite his annoyance Ben had watched with affection, his anger slowly diminishing as he saw Joe square those slim shoulders, pull himself up to his full height and set that defiant look that Ben had known since Joe was a toddler. It was funny, the more he tried to look older, tougher or more defiant the younger Joe always looked to Ben. His urge as he watched him was simply to forgive him, to hug him, nothing else, but the father in him knew he must do more. At least now Ben’s response would be measured, provided his son too remained calm and showed him respect and true regret, he hoped Joe could do that, he hoped so with all his heart.

It was a different father and son that confronted each other in the great room from before. As Ben slowly descended the stairs he saw Joe cross the floor and look up, probably to gauge his fathers mood. The defiant Joe was still there but he was tempered with a son that knew he’d gone against his father’s wishes and had calmed down enough to at least acknowledge his father’s fears. He genuinely did not want to hurt the man who had always meant the whole world to him.

It was Joe who spoke first.

“Pa, I’m sorry, sorry I went against your wishes and I’m sorry that I scared you.” Ben let him continue pleased at how he’d begun and Joe was eager to try and reach an understanding with his father.

“It was something I felt I had to do Pa, can you try and understand that? Pa can you please try and see why I….”

Ben had closed the distance and stopped his son with a hand on his arm.

“Joseph I can try and understand, so long as you can try and understand a father’s need and right to protect his son from trying things before he’s physically ready…things that could get him killed.”

Joe saw the pain cross his father’s face as he remembered his mother and he was ashamed to be the cause of that.

“I’m sorry Pa.”

“You were man enough to come and say sorry Joe, I appreciate that, I know it was difficult to do and I’m glad that we can talk about it man to man like this.” And he looked Joe in the eye as he asked his next question,

“Do you regret it Joe?”

For the first time Joe had to look away from his father. He was truly sorry he’d hurt his father but the fact was he’d loved the ride, loved the feeling it gave him, he’d felt one with that horse. He thought he’d just proved that he was physically ready. The honest truth was he really wasn’t sorry he’d made the ride.

Ben watched Joe with a mixture of pride and anguish. Pride that Joe couldn’t lie to him but anguish that he couldn’t be sure he wouldn’t do the same thing again.

Joe struggled to find words to give voice to the turmoil he felt inside. The anguish he felt was so plain for anyone that loved him to see.

He knew what his father wanted to hear, what would give him peace of mind, but he knew he couldn’t say it. He’d be lying to his father. Finally he found some words.

“I’m sorry Pa, I know I’m disappointing you and I am sorry I caused you any pain remembering,…” he hesitated not wanting to go there. “But I …I can’t regret doing something that felt so right to me Pa. I wish I could make you understand…” Joe was desperate for his father to hear him.

The feeling Ben had was a mixture of many things but oddly not disappointment. He could see the searing honesty in his son’s face, the raw pleading to be understood and he was torn. Torn between holding on and letting go. He’d never had this with his other sons, not to this degree and Ben had thought he’d always know when he was right. But he was wavering. As he looked at Joe, so young, so much like his mother, so fearless and hungry for life his own fears won out.

So he answered him but it was not the answer his son wanted to hear, ” Joe I appreciate your honesty and that has saved your hide, but I can’t condone what you did or the fact that you really don’t regret it. I really do value your honesty, but I value your safety too. Until you can prove to me that you will obey me you are restricted from horse-breaking, until I know I can trust you to ride the horses either your brother Adam or I select for you.”

Joe looked stricken. The door opening and Adam entering prevented him answering other than an almost whispered “Yes, sir,” and he made a hasty exit before anyone could stop him. In short time the familiar sound of galloping hooves could be heard as Joe found solace like he often did, riding Cochise.

From the corral Lassiter watched Joe go and gave him his space. He thought a lot of the Cartwright’s but surprisingly the one he identified with most was the youngest. Before the unlawful hanging had torn his family apart he had been just like Joe. Always on the look out for fun, maybe a little foolhardy sometimes but not nearly as reckless as his father perceived him to be. But that young man had disappeared forever the night he was forced to watch his father hang for something he didn’t do.

Seeing Joe’s struggles brought back the lost youth in him and if he could help the kid through a difficult time in return, then he wanted to, He could still just about remember what it felt like to think you were railing against the world and only your horse understood.

**

Inside the house Adam looked at his father quizzically, “I take it that didn’t go too well?”

Ben shook his head, “Not as well as I’d hoped.”

Adam tried to put a word in, “You know Pa, he handled the horse very well.”

Ben looked surprised at Adam’s intervention; it was often the other way around, Ben defending Joe to Adam. ” I know that Adam, but another time, he might…you know how he can be…” Ben strode over to the door and collected his hat, “Well I was going into town, I’d better get off, see you later Adam. If you get a chance could you look over the timber contract on the desk, I’d be really grateful.”

Adam nodded and watched his father leave.

While Adam had still been outside he’d been regretting his first impulse to fetch his father. His main instinct had been if Joe had got thrown or seriously hurt Ben would want to be there. A couple of months ago he might have stepped in himself but things were so tense with him and Joe lately that he thought any reprimand would be better coming from his father. The look Joe had just given him as he’d exited the house told him otherwise.

Adam decided he might as well stay and check over those figures for his father before heading out too, so he walked over to his fathers desk and sat down, opening the brown folder that was in front of him.

Adam sighed as he gazed blankly at the sheets of figures that now lay open in front of him. He shut his eyes and was immediately overcome by the smell of the leather chair, his fathers pipe tobacco and the lingering scent of his bay rum. He wished he could will away all the mixed up feelings that competed for attention in his head, but he couldn’t. Ever since he’d felt that rope around his neck and had seen his life about to be taken from him, he’d known he had to get away. There were so many things he wanted to do in his life and so many places he had to see.

Adam loved The Ponderosa, he loved his family with all his heart but he was feeling increasingly trapped by them. He knew his father relied on him more and more and the thought of leaving him filled him with guilt. Sure he had Hoss, Hoss was reliable and would always be there for his father. He felt content knowing that and he smiled at the thought of his middle brother, but Joe? Joe was still so impulsive, he could still be so reckless. He accepted that Joe worked just as hard as anyone but he still needed a little more maturity and Adam didn’t want to wait around for that. He needed his brother to show that maturity now and it angered him each time he felt he let them down. And dammit he even felt guilty for feeling it. But the boy would take risks and was likely to break his fool neck like his mother had done. Adam shuddered at both the memory and the thought. He wondered if he would ever stop wanting to protect Joe from himself, would his leaving make his little brother take on too much before he was ready? Like he had? Or was he underestimating his brother? Hoss always told him that he did but then he just didn’t see it like Hoss did.

The half formed thoughts tumbled around in Adams mind just as they had for weeks now. He had never felt so completely torn. Half of him was still desperate to stay and help his father continue to build his dream with both his brothers. He and his father had been through so much and Adam loved his father, he hated to think that his leaving would hurt him.

Was he really ready to leave behind being a big brother to Hoss and even more so his friend. And then Joe, what was he to Little Joe? He still felt a duty to guide him but it was more than a duty, the kid could drive him nuts and often did but he never doubted that he loved him, even now when they were at odds, he never doubted that…not even for a moment. It was loving them all that made it so hard.

Adam pictured Joe in his mind, he knew he could be tough on Joe, and he knew that really he was a good kid at heart. But was he ready to stand by Hoss and be a reliable help to his father, was he ready to be the man that Adam needed him to be before his conscience would allow him to leave and quiet these voices urging him away.

Adam shut his eyes to try and shake the choking feeling of the rope being pulled around his neck that had suddenly overcome him, he tried to blot out the memory of the overriding powerlessness he’d felt back then. He willed his mind to overcome it and to take his life back into his own hands.

He knew it had all started that night. Dammit Joe had even joked when they’d stepped down from the gallows. What had he said? “Bet you’re glad we didn’t wait ‘till the last minute,” and he ‘d laughed. How could he? Adam had thought …how could he make light of what had so nearly happened? Of course Joe’s joke and giggle and much needed contact with his father when he’d mock strangled the youngest Cartwright were just his way of releasing days of tension. His way of saying ‘We’re ok again’

Adam in his right mind knew that, his anger at everything was a reaction to his guilt, his rage and his confusion, he was used to being a man in control. He had faced something on those gallows when he’d been seconds from death that had shaken him to the core and out of his previous existence. He knew he might never feel the same and every night since then he’d gone to sleep reliving those moments. He had spent days and nights in that cell with his father knowing that they still might hang even though they were innocent. His father had read from the bible and it seemed to help him, Adam had found no peace in that. The justice system had failed them. And after they were hanged? Hawkins would surely go after Hoss and Joe. Adam had hated the pure impotence he’d felt in his situation.

As their time had got closer the hangman had come in and spoken to them, to try and to make it easier on them. Exactly how telling a man sentenced to hang that he should ‘keep his neck clean shaven so the whiskers didn’t catch on the brand new hemp’, was a help was lost on Adam. Or telling them that ‘their boots shouldn’t be too large or they might come off when’…when it happened. Should he send out for a new pair he’d thought acidly. And what about Hoss and Joe when they were dead? How long could they stand up to Hawkins and his men, would they be far behind them? All these thoughts had made Adam sick to his stomach in that cell but he’d held it together for his father’s sake.

He’d watched helplessly as Hoss and Joe had tried everything they could, but each flicker of hope had been extinguished. First the petition and there seemed to be no way Sally Byrnes would change her testimony. Baxter at the newspaper office had been scared almost to death so the paper wouldn’t get published. Adam had watched his father gradually lose hope and his belief in the town he’d had so much faith in. They’d shared conversations that a father and son should never have to.

Adam shivered as he remembered watching his father walk to the gallows. Maybe the worst thing was having his hands tied behind him just before they were led up the wooden steps. For a strong man to be made to feel so helpless was hard to take. At the end it looked to him as though his father had found a certain peace, Adam hadn’t. When it was his turn to have the noose placed over his head and pulled tight, when his head was pushed into an unnatural angle by the knot at the back, Adam’s overriding feeling when he saw the cold stares of the hanging posse, was deep anger and regret for the family who he loved so deeply. And he could have wept for the things he hadn’t yet done in his life and now never would. And stupidly, Adam’s last thought before the hangman loosed the trap would have been about an unwrapped book of poems that he’d left on his dresser just as his father had shouted for him to go with him to the Byrnes house.

Since that night Adam had never been able to shake his anger at the men that had put his father and his family through such hell. But for Lassiter’s intervention and Sally’s last minute change of heart, they would have been murdered. Adam had held onto his anger at the system that had almost sent two innocent men to the gallows and to his anger at a town that would have stood by and let it happen. And yes, anger that his brother just couldn’t act mature enough to allow him to leave this place with a clear conscience and dammit anger too at that same brother who had seemingly shaken it off so easily…so why couldn’t he?

Safe on his own Adam allowed the tears of frustration to fall down his cheeks as he bowed his head and sat alone at his father’s desk. Why couldn’t he forgive like his father had and why couldn’t he forget like Joe seemed to so effortlessly?

**

When Ben returned Adam had finished the paperwork and was heading out to join Hoss at the branding.

Ben shouted across to him, “Hey Adam, you off to join Hoss?”

“Yeah Pa, I got those figures done for you, everything looks good if you’d just like to look it over once more.”

Ben paused when they were closer, ” Thank you Adam, I knew I could rely on you and I’m sorry if I was a bit short with you this morning when I left, it wasn’t your fault. I really don’t know what I’d do without you sometimes.”

Adam smiled, “Hey that’s alright Pa, It already forgotten, I’ll see you later at dinner. Oh did you pass Joe at all?”

Ben shook his head, ” No I didn’t, I expect he’s off somewhere cooling off.”

Adam nodded, “Let’s hope so.” and with that he headed out.

In fact Adam was surprised to find Joe working with Hoss at the branding when he arrived. Joe was busy roping calves with the other men and bringing them over for Hoss and Lassiter to apply the branding iron. It was a noisy scene with the bellowing of the calves, the men shouting their instructions and the ever-present stench of scorching hide. Everyone acknowledged Adam as he rode up, everyone except Joe who concentrated instead on the calf he was roping. Adam decided not to push it.

He watched for a minute while Joe got the calf under control and then he too got on with some roping.

**Part 4

For a long time Ben had wanted to compensate Adam for having missed out on so many of the things he’d have liked to have done if it hadn’t been so busy on the ranch lately. They’d had a tough year and he knew his son had been very disappointed to miss his friend Bill’s opening night in Boston last month. Even though he had eventually made it to Virginia City it wasn’t the same thing as a trip to Boston to see a group old friends.

Ben was therefore delighted when Adam told him he’d received a letter from another old friend from his college days. The friend, John Statham had been so impressed when Bill had returned with his tales of the west that John had written to Adam suggesting that he too come over. When Adam told his father, Ben had been thrilled and immediately suggested they put him up at the Ponderosa.

John Statham was also bringing a younger sister, at nineteen, a year older than Joe and Ben insisted they both be invited to stay. Adam originally had misgivings, preferring maybe they stay at a hotel in town, but Ben managed to talk him round.

Over time things had eventually settled down a little more between Joe and Adam again too. You could say they had an uneasy truce. Joe had been allowed back to doing horse breaking, on his fathers terms, but even so it meant a lot to Joe to be involved again. His resentment still simmered a little and there was a definite coolness between him and Adam, but they were at least working cooperatively together and exchanging pleasantries. But Joe would never seek Adam out, if he had a problem he was more likely to discuss it with Hoss or Ben or these days Lassiter. He just didn’t feel the connection he used to with his brother. For his part Adam had stepped back with Joe too, if he felt a comment coming on he tempered it. Really they were both treading on eggshells around each other. Ben and Hoss did their best to keep the status quo. They both felt Joe and Adam were going through a period of adjustment with each other that would settle down given time.

Ben had actually been very pleased to see that Joe seemed to be stepping up his interest in Allie a lovely girl who worked at the bank. She and her father Jack were fairly new in town and had a small ranch just outside of Virginia City.

Joe had discovered that once she escaped from behind the counter she was a different girl. She really was a lot of fun and Joe had discovered she loved riding as much as he did. Even though Ben was very well aware of the distance growing between his sons, it was Adam who still gave him the most concern. He knew something was gnawing away at him and he feared he knew the reason, he had sensed his restlessness. He thought it would do Adam a lot of good to have some friends from back east to stay. He hoped it might be just what he needed.

Adam wrote back inviting his friends to come and as the time got closer he was glad his father had talked him into getting them to stay at the Ponderosa. He envisaged lots of good nights in town and plenty of buggy rides to show them their beautiful home. Adam never took it for granted but sometimes sharing it with other people helped him enjoy it all the more. When John Statham had been at college with Adam they’d been very good friends. He was bringing his younger sister Selina who Adam had only met a couple of times. She was closer to Joe’s age than his own and had seemed like a very sweet girl, if perhaps a little too used to getting her own way.
Hoss was pleased at the prospect of meeting Adam’s friends and Joe even made all the right noises, his face even involuntarily lighting up when Adam mentioned John’s sister. Adam had been a little concerned by that and the prospect of his younger brother flirting or showing off if he was blown away by her eastern charms. What Adam had intended as a playful warning to Joe though, wasn’t taken that way by his young brother and their relationship cooled by another few degrees.

The visit soon came around and Ben and Adam went to meet the stage the following Monday.

Once they were safely back at the Ponderosa John and Selina settled themselves into their rooms and seemed genuinely delighted by their surroundings and by the warm hospitality of their hosts.

They were enjoying a coffee in the great room when, as often happened, Joe and Hoss spilled through the door pushing and shoving each other to get to the kitchen first. Ben coughed to alert them that their guests had arrived and they immediately straightened up. Ben noticed Joe’s demeanour change immediately and he was at once respectful and courteous to the new guests. But where there would normally be a wide grin and a welcoming comment, he was almost over polite. Hoss was grinning like a Cheshire cat and offered his own very warm welcome.

The visit seemed to go very well too and Ben was pleased to see Adam enjoying himself and introducing his friends to the delights of The Ponderosa and Virginia City. After a while Adam almost felt back to his old self too. And Joe too was pleased to see it, but he didn’t feel a part of it. He knew the visit meant a lot to Adam and even though he didn’t need the caution, his father had taken him aside to ensure he understood. He’d been pleased at Joe’s response and understanding. Joe wasn’t getting along too well with his older brother but he didn’t want to let him down either. He had taken his fathers talk to heart to and was anxious not to be the ‘knockabout Joe’ that was more familiar to them all. He tried very hard to mind his p and q’s and his ‘ain’ts’, but he was also relieved to get away and relax with his own friends whenever the chance arose.

There were times too when Joe glimpsed what he thought of now as the old Adam and he’d have liked to have been a part of the conversations and maybe to have got to know their new guests. Joe had always been a sociable type and always enjoyed having visitors at The Ponderosa, but he still felt out of step with Adam and his new company and thought he was most likely not all that welcome. Adam and Joe would have paid much more heed to each other if they’d realised that this visit would prove to be the last straw that finally caused the fragile relationship existing between the oldest and youngest sons to come crashing down.

As it was Joe was happy to keep pretty much out of the way, he had plenty to keep him occupied plus with the underlying tension between him and Adam he thought it was better all round not to get too involved. Joe wasn’t ever rude, it’s just he wasn’t around any more than he had to be.

Adam took it as a slight but chose to overlook it. He understood what his father was doing for him and he appreciated it. It seemed easiest all round if he and Joe just plain avoided each other and in a way it was easier that Joe hadn’t taken a shine to Selina as Adam had feared he might, Adam was partly relieved by that.

Someone else who had noticed Joe’s increasing absences though was Selina Statham. She had been struck by Joe’s good looks when she first saw him falling through the door with his older brother Hoss and his indifference to her only intrigued her further. She heard him laughing with Hoss and had seen him work in the corral enjoying the banter with the men. This was such a contrast to the almost over polite and equally distant person that she saw at dinner each night. One thing Selina was used to was getting attention from male admirers. At first she assumed it was an act on Joe’s part, she guessed he was trying to draw her attention by feigning indifference and she saw it as a game she was more than willing to play.

When her initial tactics of playing it cool with Joe drew no reaction at all though, Selina started to feel more than a little put out. She tried to initiate conversations, even resorting to coyly flirting but all to no avail. He really was not interested.

One morning she’d watched as Allie came over to the ranch with her father and she’d felt quite jealous when she saw Joe’s face light up as he placed his hands on Allie’s waist and hoist her down from their buggy. Selina wanted to feel those hands on her waist and have that attention lavished on her. She never ever had any trouble attracting the men she was interested in at home. Allie easily picked up on the disapproval that Selina felt for her when Joe introduced them a little while later. Joe had warned her that Allie might be a little standoffish but that it was just her eastern ways. Allie with her finely honed feminine intuition suspected a different reason for Selina’s instant dislike of her.

Selina knew Joe liked horses so since everything else she’d tried had failed, she decided to try that next to get his attention. The next day when he was in the barn saddling up she approached him.

“Um excuse me Mr Cartwright…I was wondering, I don’t have a lot of experience around horses, I can ride a bit of course but I would be really grateful if you could give me a few lessons. Only if you have the time you understand, I wouldn’t want to impose, naturally.”

Joe turned around genuinely surprised, he wondered if Adam had sent her to ask. Selina was charming, Joe had thought so from the off, but he was growing very fond of Allie now.

Even if that hadn’t been the case, flirting with one of Adam’s friends with things as they were could only mean trouble, of that he was sure. Joe wasn’t sure if he had a ‘type’ as such but he was fairly sure if he had, Selina wasn’t it, she was pretty spoilt and a little arrogant. A little flirting with someone just because she was lovely was not worth any more strife with his brother he’d decided. He was trying to come up with a polite way to decline her request when the sound of Adam’s approaching footsteps helped him out.

“Please, don’t call me Mr Cartwright, Joe will do just fine,” he started kindly and her heart leapt a little, but then he continued and shattered her hopes.

“And I would like to help you really I would; only I have a lot of work to get through today, maybe older brother here could help with your riding lessons, how about it Adam?”

Adam just caught the end of the conversation and was only aware of the disappointment etched on young Selina’s face. What had Joe done now for heaven’s sake? Couldn’t he bring himself to make an effort even for a short while for his guests? He was disappointed in Joe but swallowed it for the sake of peace.

“What is it you’d like me to help you with Selina? I’m sure whatever it is I will do my best.”

As he said this he couldn’t resist a pointed look in Joe’s direction.

It was lost on Joe however, he was just happy to get out of a potentially awkward situation and he finished leading his horse out of the barn, politely dipping his hat at Selina and smiling warmly, confident that Adam would help her with her riding lessons.

Adam watched him go and looked at Selina whose former composure had suddenly vanished and with Joe now out of sight she looked almost on the verge of tears. Adam lifted her chin up and asked her,

“Was my brother rude to you, is there anything I can do?”

Selina was genuinely embarrassed and a little out of control of her feelings. She had been unprepared to feel so hurt by Joe’s rejection. What had started as a game suddenly felt much more to her.

“No, it’s nothing Adam. Really it isn’t, just me being silly. and she rushed off inside. She hadn’t meant to cause any ill feeling between the brothers, she liked Adam and she was starting to really care for Joe, but unwittingly she had.

Adam cursed his brother under his breath, assuming he had somehow offended her just because she was his friend. Privately he had thought Selina was perhaps a little spoilt and used to her own way but then, particularly when he was angry with him, he sometimes regarded Joe the same way.

**

It was a beautiful sunny day when Selina pulled back her curtains and watched from her window as Joe saddled a horse for Allie and they set off for a planned ride, she saw them laughing and joking as they set off. Selina really didn’t see what Allie had that she didn’t and she was determined that somehow she’d get Joe to see that too.

After breakfast Ben had planned to accompany Adam and his guests for a ride of their own around some of the more scenic parts of the Ponderosa and of course the lake.

They’d all earned a day off and Hoss had decided to do a little fishing with a friend.

Ben and Adam’s party had ridden for a few miles and then stopped for a rest when they spotted Joe and Allie racing their horses across a meadow below them. Joe was winning easily and he pulled up and waited patiently at end of the meadow while Allie caught up to him. As she had got close he had jumped down off Cochise and run around to help her down from her horse. Ben had been wondering about riding down to Joe and warning him to be careful but before he’d made a start, Joe and Allie were locked in a passionate embrace and he suddenly thought better of it. Instead he suggested to their guests that they all ride on. He’d talk to Joseph later.

They had hardly gone far when they were called back by a loud shriek. Below them Allie and Joe had led their horses over for a well-earned drink in the stream. Joe had stepped onto a boulder and the shriek happened when Allie hadn’t been able to resist giving him a little shove into the water. She hadn’t expected him to fall in and she definitely hadn’t expected him to grab onto her as he tried to keep his balance. The shriek came as Allie hit the water after Joe had pulled her in after him. Ben and the others had pulled up still some distance away to the sounds of loud shouts and now helpless laughter.

Ben and Adam might have been amused had they been alone but instead they were a little embarrassed for their guests. Allie and Joe continued to laugh and splash each other. Ben was satisfied that they were alright and that no good would come of interfering just now, but he would most definitely be having a word or two in his son’s ear later about acting imprudently with young ladies.

Ben and John had ridden on a little but Selina stayed where she was and continued to stare as if transfixed by the couple. She put her hand to her mouth seemingly shocked and Adam looked down at what she could see.

Joe and Allie were still in the water, fully dressed but locked once more in a passionate embrace, their wet clothes were clinging tightly to their bodies, accentuating their figures which were blended now into a single outline. Selina couldn’t tear her eyes away from them and her reaction made Adam think she was genuinely shocked at his brother’s behaviour. The truth was very different, Selina would have given all she had to be where Allie was just now, free from all the restrictions and customs of genteel city life and free most of all to be just where Allie was, wrapped in Joe’s arms.

Adam touched her gently on the shoulder and solemnly, they rode off.

Joe would have liked to have stayed there longer with Allie but he was concerned for her in her wet clothes, not to mention concerned for himself because they were both enjoying themselves much too much. He broke away first and gallantly offered Allie his dry jacket. She smiled at her noble suitor and accepted the jacket when he retrieved it for her. As he placed it around her shoulders she shivered pleasurably at the warmth of it and the unmistakable sensation of him, she snuggled it around herself no longer feeling the cold. Joe then offered to ride her home so that she could change into some dry clothes. It was a warm day and they were almost dry before they arrived at their destination. Allie’s father, Jack was very indulgent with his only daughter and he liked Joe a lot, he could see that this young man made his daughter radiantly happy. Jack had been a rancher before he’d married Allie’s mother and they’d moved to Denver. When his wife had died he and Allie had decided to move back to Nevada. He smiled warmly at the two young riders as they approached. It was good to see Allie smiling again.

Jack invited Joe inside and they talked while Allie changed and then fixed a small snack for them all. While she was busy doing that, Joe asked Jack about the ranch and the two of them soon strolled outside and across the yard to the corral. Jack had just lost a good hand and he’d taken a couple of tumbles this morning himself. Ordinarily he’d prefer not to do any horse-breaking but they were just starting out here and it was still a struggle, money was tight. Allie’s income from the bank helped out a lot though.

Joe could see, by the frequency that Jack rubbed his back that he was in a fair amount of pain. He immediately decided he’d offer to stay around and help for a while. Allie had told him that her father had been suffering quite a lot lately with his back and the tumble couldn’t have helped him one bit.

Allie’s father pointed towards the horse that had given him the trouble.

“You want me to give him a try,” Joe asked him without hesitation, “I’d really like to give him a go if you don’t mind and I could do with the practise?”

Joe knew that Allie and her dad were finding it pretty hard to get started here and he knew he would be glad of some help, but that he’d be unlikely to ask. Jack smiled, he hadn’t expected the offer but he was pretty sure of what Joe was doing. It was hard to take offence at the offer and Joe looked genuinely keen to give the horse a go.

“Well young man if you want to give him a try, I’d be happy to let you.” He answered him.

He didn’t look a difficult horse to Joe, it was just that Jack was in no shape to get the best out of him.

Joe hadn’t needed a second invitation and Jack must have softened the horse a bit as he actually found he was quite an easy ride. He promised if Jack wanted him to he’d be back to work on him for them. Allie gave a warm smile to Joe as she approached with a tray of sandwiches. Her Pa was a proud man and she was surprised he’d let Joe ride for him.

After they’d eaten, Joe reluctantly explained that he’d better get home to do some afternoon chores but before he left Allie and Jack invited him to come back later on for an evening meal.

Joe had been more than happy to accept their invitation, these days if the opportunity arose he was happier eating away from the ranch. He wished them goodbye and told them he’d be back later.

He really liked Allie and her dad and he was in high spirits as he rode home contemplating spending more time with them over dinner.

When he entered the house Joe found that everyone was sitting down drinking coffee around the fireplace and they all turned to look at him as he walked in. He was still in a great mood and it showed.

As Joe approached the group Ben fetched him a cup and poured him a coffee but then he walked him over to the dining table so they could talk quietly. He gently questioned Joe, he was a little late although Ben pretty much knew where he’d been and he hadn’t been unduly worried. He trusted his son with Allie but he thought that a little quiet chat might be in orde so that others might not get the wrong impression.

The first thing Ben said was that he hoped Joe and Allie hadn’t been racing their horses too much when they’d been out and he favoured Joe with a knowing look.

Joe looked a little bit guilty but he answered his father honestly, “Well, perhaps we did a little bit Pa and then we went over to Allie’s house to dry off.”

Ben looked up, ” Dry off…why?” he asked apparently innocently.

“Well I guess when we were watering the horses we kind of fell in the water.” Joe said sheepishly.

Everything he said was perfectly true although Joe did keep the part about the breaking the horse to himself, there was no sense asking for trouble. By now Joe was desperate to escape upstairs, to bath and get ready. He had been pleased to notice when he stabled Cochise that Hoss must’ve done his chores, he definitely owed him one and he’d be sure and let him know.

Ben relented and decided to let Joe escape without a lecture for now, but not before he mentioned that it was a good idea to get washed up and changed as they were having a special meal tonight, Adam’s visitors had an announcement to make. Ben had smiled across at John and Selina as he’d said that.

Joe’s smile had immediately disappeared and he said, ” Pa , I’m sorry, I’ve made another arrangement, to have dinner with Allie and her father.”

The whole room turned their attention to Joe now and he felt the disapproving looks keenly. He hadn’t known tonight was anything special, it wasn’t like John and Selina hadn’t been there for a while, so one night shouldn’t offend anyone. Although to be fair he had eaten away from home more than once since they’d arrived.

Ben had looked a little irritated and told Joe he was sorry but that he would have to break his arrangement, they had guests and Joe already knew this. Once more from his place by the fireside Adam watched, a little disappointed in his brother.

Hoss came across to join his youngest brother, he was getting a little tired of the extra formality too and he recognised that Joe had wanted to escape for an evening. He’d have liked to have gone too and actually Joe would have loved him to come, but Ben had insisted so there was no point getting ornery and he sensed that Joe was about to.

Joe caught Hoss’ warning glance and he reluctantly realised he had no choice, but he asked if he could at least ride over and explain to Allie and her dad.

As it happened, Hoss had to ride over that way anyhow, his fishing partner had left his rifle behind when he’d gone and Hoss was anxious to return it to him, he just about had time before dinner. He’d been about to leave just before Joe had returned and he promised Joe now that he’d let Allie know in plenty of time.

Joe was obviously disappointed and he glared across at Adam.

Ben though was happy to have it settled and he said so, “That’s settled then. Thank-you Hoss.” and he in turn glared at Joe to ensure that was the end of the matter.

Joe was disappointed but he continued his way upstairs to get ready for tonight’s meal. He wondered what the announcement was and he hoped it was that they were leaving tomorrow. He regretted the thought almost as it came, Adam had enjoyed having his friends and Joe really didn’t begrudge him that, but he was looking forward to having the house back to normal. He couldn’t help himself.

Hoss’ stomach was already rumbling so he left straight away and as he passed the bunkhouse the delicious smell of beef stew almost made him turn back around, but he rode on and made good time to his friends place. He dropped off the rifle and resisted commendably the temptation from the aroma of the succulent grilled trout they’d caught earlier that was coming from his friends kitchen.

Keen to get away, he rode quickly across to call in on Allie and her father. This time he had to resist the even more tempting aroma of roast beef, which proved almost too much for him to bear. He stayed put on his horse though as Allie came out to greet him, but he couldn’t help his nose sniffing the air and he sighed at the prospect of having to ride away from such a tempting meal.

Allie didn’t even try and hide her disappointment at the news Hoss brought. She’d obviously already gone to some trouble and it was clear to Hoss she was very disappointed.

He tried to cheer her up. “I’m sorry to disappoint you Allie, Joe really wanted to come.”

Allie just sighed and told him “At least Selina won’t be…disappointed I mean.”

Hoss laughed at her.

“What do you mean Allie, surely you don’t mean.?” And he laughed again, ” Forgive me for saying so Miss Allie but you’re barkin’ up the wrong tree there, why Little Joe isn’t even a bit interested in Miss Selina, he’s far too taken with you, sides she’s too fancy…..”

Allie stopped him, “Well all I can say is that she took a dislike to me before she even met me and I can’t help but wonder why, Hoss.”

Hoss looked puzzled as he took his leave of her and finally rode back home. Before he left he had kindly offered to take some of that roast beef back for Little Joe though but it would have been debatable that it ever made it back to The Ponderosa. But Allie had smiled and told him, “Sorry Hoss it won’t be ready for a long while yet, tell him I’ll save him some… and some for you too of course Hoss!”

Hoss had grinned, his subterfuge hadn’t worked even a little bit! Man he was hungry though.

When he relayed his conversation with Allie to Ben, his father had raised his eyebrows in surprise. He hadn’t caught onto anything himself but he decided to keep an eye on the situation anyhow. Ben looked worried at Hoss who he had noticed looked a little faint, “You Ok Hoss?” he asked him.

Hoss reassured him, “I’m fine Pa..just hungry is all…how long ‘til dinner? it smells delicious and I’m just about half starved here.”

Ben slapped his largest son heartily on the back, “Not long Hoss, not long, in fact by the time you are all washed up and changed I suspect it will be on the table.”

Hoss was up the stairs quicker than you could say trout starter, roast beef and potatoes with assorted fresh vegetables followed by Baked Alaska and a choice of fine cheeses.

Despite the fine food, the meal at the Ponderosa turned out to be a slightly awkward occasion and it became even more so when John and Selina announced that, thanks to Adam’s kind invitation, they would be staying on a week extra. Selina had been nagging John to ask and he could never really refuse his sister. Adam was delighted but Joe was obviously less so, although he did try to hide it. This earned him a quiet rebuke and a request to at least try and be welcoming from his older brother later in the evening. Joe thought he had been.

Joe was now counting the days but the next few passed fairly uneventfully. He was kept pretty busy with ranch work since Ben had given Adam some time off to spend with John and Selina before they finally left which in turn increased Hoss and Joe’s workload.

Even though he was working a full day Joe still often rode over if he had any free time to help Allie’s father with his stock.

Lassiter had gone over to finalise things with the sheriff in Stillwater and some of Joe’s friends were getting their final plans together for their big trip. Joe had been starting to get a little tired of saying no to them when they persisted in inviting him along, they were getting more persuasive as the time got closer.

The extra hours were starting to take their toll on Joe, he was dog-tired as one afternoon he rode back to the ranch house to wait for his father who he knew was expecting him. Finding that his Pa wasn’t home yet, Joe had fixed himself a coffee, he’d taken off his jacket and then stretched comfortably out on the sofa. In no time at all he was fast asleep, the coffee left cooling and untouched on the table beside him.

This was the sight that greeted Selina when she came down the stairs. She’d gone up for a lie down earlier in the day and she was expecting the house to be empty. John and Adam were in town for the day so she was very pleasantly surprised to find herself alone with Joe in the house.
She smiled as she saw him laying there and called a greeting. He never stirred. She’d heard Hoss joke that Joe was impossible to wake up when he was deeply asleep. She crossed the room and came over closer stopping at the sofa and looking down at his sleeping form. She watched him transfixed as his chest slowly rose and fell rhythmically with each breath. He moved slightly in his sleep and she stepped away fearing he’d wake and find her there watching him. She needn’t have worried, he still never stirred. She saw the coffee and bent down to retrieve it but she accidentally knocked it and a few drops went on the floor. She hurried to the kitchen to fetch a cloth and when she returned she kneeled down beside Joe to wipe up the coffee.

Rather than stand up and put the cloth back in the kitchen, she stayed where she was beside him and turned to watch him sleep, her face was now so close to his. Nothing had woken him, her calling or the rattle of the cup and this gave her courage, when he rolled over slightly his arm almost touched her shoulder and she again held her breath sure he would wake now, but still he never moved. Selina leaned closer and placed her hand lightly on his face running it tenderly down his cheek, she was delighted with his response as he sighed softly and smiled in his sleep. So far she’d been able to keep control of her feelings for Joe, her strict upbringing had held her in good stead. But this close? so close she could feel the warmth of his breath on her face…she ached to kiss him but she didn’t dare… but neither could she bring herself to pull away from him.

She wanted nothing more than to lay her head on his chest and to feel his arms wrap protectively around her, just as she’d seen him do to Allie. Instead she stayed next to him completely captivated by her desire and she let her fantasy take flight in her mind as she imagined her lips pressed against his. Eventually her curiosity overcame her and she let one hand wander down and rest inside his shirt. If she bent forward a little their lips could touch. In her imagination her hands explored his sleeping body until she no longer had any self-control to resist. She ran her thumb gently across his mouth and was rewarded as his lips parted invitingly. As if in a dream she found herself being drawn ever closer until she pressed her lips against his. She’d known… she’d been right all along that she could tempt him.

Selina pulled away with a start, she was startled by a cough coming from the direction of the kitchen. Ben had returned and he’d taken in the scene immediately, he’d walked back into the kitchen to collect his thoughts before coming back in and making his presence known.
.
Selina was immediately flustered and unsure of what Ben Cartwright could have witnessed from the kitchen door.

She stammered, “Oh Mr Cartwright, I – I was just trying to wake Joe, I’m sure he’d be much more comfortable in his room, the sofa looks so uncomfortable.”

Ben was very well aware exactly how Miss Statham was trying to wake his son.

“Well that’s very thoughtful of you young lady, but I can assure you Joe has rested quite well enough on the sofa when he’s been tired before, but I thank you for your concern.” He said sternly.

Selina made her excuses and left cursing to herself at the interruption. Joe slept on not even realising anyone had come into the room.

Ben resolved to warn Joe to watch out for the young lady and not let himself get in a position where he might compromise either her or himself. For now Ben let Joe sleep, he knew he’d been over at Jacks and was pleased that his son was prepared to do that for Allie’s father, they were good people. His son deserved his rest.

Unfortunately when Ben did warn Joe about Selina, Joe having no knowledge of what had nearly taken place, just took it as probably influenced by Adam following Adam’s earlier comments on the matter.

For Selina the near kiss had confirmed what she knew all along, if she could just get Joe to see it that way. One way or another she was determined to get him to notice her.

Maybe she reasoned, Joe liked his girls more forward, she’d seen him in town talking to someone she’d assumed was a saloon girl. They seemed very close; maybe that was the way she had to be. Selina had her own ways to make him notice her and now, emboldened by Joe’s response to her, she was more certain than ever that she could lure him away from Allie.

**

There was only one more of day now before Selina and John would be leaving and so Hop Sing prepared a very special dinner for them. Ben had opened some extra bottles of wine and this night they all partook freely. Selina drank much more than she usually would. They were all chatting happily and the conversation flowed as freely as the wine. John and Adam were reliving old times, Hoss and Ben were remembering a hunting trip they’d been on and Joe had even relaxed a bit with Selina, now he knew she would be leaving soon.

Since Selina had come so close to kissing Joe that day, every time she was alone she closed her eyes and relived the kiss and pictured them taking it further. Now here he was sitting next to her with his previous aloofness gone and the wine lent her some courage. She remembered the saloon girl and she remembered Allie and Joe kissing in the water. When Joe went to reach for the salt pot she reached for it too and let her hand rest over his. He laughed it off but she let her hand linger over his longer than he was comfortable with.

Joe was in good spirits though, happy they’d have the ranch back and he thought no more about it. Hoss and Ben too were looking forward to a little bit of normality at home.

Selina took the fact that Joe didn’t seem to have minded her hand resting on his as encouragement and she decided to be sure he understood her intentions. She didn’t miss an opportunity to touch him but Joe nearly choked on his food when he felt Selina rest her hand on his thigh under the table and slowly let it explore upwards.

Adam and Ben looked up at Joe, “Joe try not to speak with your mouthful and maybe you won’t choke.” And they went back to their conversations.

Joe needed air and to escape but it would’ve looked discourteous and Selina wasn’t about to let him escape that easily.
She settled her hand comfortably just inside the top of his thigh and caressed gently.
That was enough for Joe, he wasn’t interested in Selina but he wasn’t immune to her obvious charms either.

” Pa, may I be excused?” he’d stood up abruptly shaking Selina off and had accidentally knocked into the table.

Everyone looked at Joe who was now blushing furiously at all kinds of sudden and unwanted attention. While Hoss laughed at his little brother, Adam looked a little exasperated with him, Ben looked confused and Selina felt silently pleased, obviously he wanted her to follow.

Ben sighed. “Joe I don’t think there can be anything so important that you have to leave the table right now, surely it can wait.”

Joe had to invent an excuse and it was a lame one, “Pa I’m worried about Cochise, he was off his feed earlier, I’d like to go check on him again if that’s alright with you sir?”

Ben recognised this for what it was, an excuse, but something about Joe’s demeanour made him decide to go along with his son on this. Although he’d had no cause for further concerns he still wasn’t certain about Selina.

“Well I’m sure if you feel it’s that important, Joe it must be. Alright you’re excused.” Ben allowed.

Adam looked further exasperated but Hoss offered to join Joe later on in checking on Cochise. He was concerned if Cochise was ill.

Joe thanked Hoss for the offer and his Pa for excusing him and he hurriedly apologised to their guests but he could not escape fast enough. The attention from Selina had come out of the blue as far as he was concerned, where did she get the idea? He was shocked but he also needed to cool down.

He stopped off at the water trough and scooped the water up liberally pouring some over his head, he let it trickle down his neck and chest. Then he did it a few more times.

Next he drank down some large gulps to flush out the alcohol from his system before heading over to the much safer company of Cochise.

Cochise snickered a welcome as his master entered the barn. Joe went over to his stall and petted him.

“Whoa boy it’s only me, sorry did I spook ya? There, there boy… that better? Hey, now don’t you go getting’ panicky again fella but I need a little exercise. I tell you Cooch, women! They sure are full of surprises. I’m just gonna hit this ol’ punch bag a few times, burn off a little steam, that okay with that you boy? I thought so, there’ s a good fella.”

Joe undid his shirt buttons so he wouldn’t ruin a good shirt and he pulled it off and laid it over the stall side. Over the weeks he’d made good use of Lassiter’s punch bag and once more he was grateful to burn off a little excess energy.

Joe proceeded to take some of his frustration out on the punch-bag while Cochise went back to his oats.

Selina had followed Joe outside as soon as she thought no one would notice, they’d all left the table now and were enjoying drinks and good conversation over by the fireside. She hadn’t realised that Ben had watched her go and that he had made up his mind to follow as soon as he could politely step outside. Adam had noticed Ben’s worried expression and came over.

“Anything up Pa?” he asked.

Ben shook his head in answer, but not entirely convincingly, “No Adam, I just want to keep an eye on Joe and Selina…you do know there’s nothing at all wrong with Cochise?”

Adam raised his eyebrows slightly surprised, he hadn’t seen Selina with Joe the way his father had so it was easy for him to misinterpret his fathers concerns. All he’d seen was a prim and proper Selina, although he had noted the free flowing wine and her slightly flirtatious behaviour over dinner.

He smiled indulgently at his father, “Well I must admit I didn’t entirely buy Joe’s excuse but I guess he had his reasons. But if it makes you feel better Pa to keep an eye on them…”

Ben had looked a little huffy at being found out as the overly concerned father. He left it a little while longer before he headed over to the door.

Selina had made her way across the yard stopping at the barn doorway and watching Joe as he pounded at the bag, completely oblivious to her presence. His back was to her and she leaned against the frame admiring his physique now agreeably highlighted by the sweat from his physical efforts.

His hair was damp with perspiration and she liked how it curled invitingly at his neck, just waiting for her to run her fingers through it. She stood for a moment admiring every inch of Joe Cartwright and she smiled to herself as she took in every aspect of his perfectly toned body. She was discovering him like this for the first time and she enjoyed everything she saw from his muscular shoulders on down to his flawlessly slim hips.

Selina was not shy around men and she’d been kissed by a few but she’d never been alone with a half naked man. She knew she shouldn’t be doing this but the alcohol had given her bravado, she had never felt so exhilarated or uninhibited in all her life. The truth was, with all the men she’d kissed before she’d been playing, they hadn’t really interested her. Joe did though and she thought she knew exactly how to get him into her arms.

Joe was breathing hard and he didn’t even hear Selina as she approached him. She almost silently made her way across the barn towards him, slowly unbuttoning her blouse as she went and then carefully removing it and letting it fall down into the hay. She willed him not to turn around, not yet, as she undid the buttons at the top of her flimsy camisole and pushed the material down over her shoulders, much lower than she would have ever dared had she been completely sober. As Joe took a moment to get his breath back he wasn’t even aware she was close by, not until he felt her press herself against his back and circle his bare chest with her arms.

His first instincts were to make a grab for her, he was so shocked to find that he wasn’t alone. Realising pretty quickly who it was he instead tried to tell her to stop, but the heady smell of her perfume and the sensation of her hands exploring his body left him too stunned to speak. He somehow managed to slow down her eager exploration of his bare flesh long enough to turn around and face her.

He caught his breath at the sight of her, she looked lovely, her hair was hanging loosely over her shoulders and she was offering herself to him in the most blatant way.

Selina took advantage of Joe’s complete inability to react at first and she moved even closer, her breasts were almost revealed and they were now pressed enticingly against him. She gave him no chance to resist as she reached up and placed her arms around his neck and when he did try to speak she took full advantage and pressed her lips against his. Joe’s body was reacting in all the ways you’d expect it to and it was all he could do to pull himself together, he had been drinking too, but he knew this was wrong.

He gently held her by the arms and pushed her away as firmly as he could, awkwardly trying to pull up her camisole at the same time.

“Please Selina, you don’t need to do this, you’re a beautiful woman, please don’t act this way.”

Selina wasn’t ready to give up, she’d felt Joe’s reaction to her, ” Please Joe, I’ve done everything I know to make you notice me, I know you like me, you want this as much as I do darling…. just admit it…come on Joe lets have some fun…” and she reached up to kiss him again.

Joe was struggling but he pushed her as lightly as he could, but away again. “Selina please, I don’t know why you’re doing this, but you don’t want to, really you don’t,” she wasn’t listening. Joe had given up with the camisole so he reached for his shirt to put around her and said much louder this time, but still as kindly as he could, ” Selina, please stop…”

Selina could hear the pleading in his voice and she realised he was serious, suddenly she felt very ashamed, how had she got him so wrong? She pulled away from him and turned her back suddenly very embarrassed and very, very sober… “Forgive me Joe,” she said quietly. “You must think I’m a fool, I’m sorry…I just…I just wanted you to notice me…but even this way I can’t get you to look at me.”

Now she was decently covered up with his shirt, Joe relaxed a little, though he was definitely still feeling the heat from their encounter.

He was anxious to spare her feelings; he knew she must feel a complete fool. He turned her back around so she was facing him again.

He tenderly lifted her chin and wiped at a stray tear on her cheek with his thumb while he told her,

“Believe me Selina I noticed you, and that was the single most difficult thing I’ve ever done in my life, to say no to you just now. And I’m sorry if I made you feel that in any way I didn’t like you, it’s just, I’m going out with Allie and I care a lot about her, but hey, Adam tells me you have lots of handsome suitors back home.” And he smiled as he tried to ease her embarrassment.

Joe was holding her now and looking into his eyes made Selina feel even more ashamed. Yes she had lots of suitors back home but she wanted him and she’d just thrown away any chance she ever had of getting him to like her. She had to escape him and she took off out of the barn and ran, the tears of shame now pouring down her face. Her camisole was still partially unbuttoned and she was only half covered by Joe’s shirt and it was this sight that greeted Adam as he came out onto the porch. That and his brother, shirtless, chasing after her and calling her name saying that he was sorry. Neither of them had seen Ben standing by the barn door as they’d raced past him.

Ben had been at the back of the barn about to intervene had his son not shown the strength of character that he did, but he was too late to stop Adam from grabbing Joe and screaming, “You had to try didn’t you little brother?”

If Adam had thought even for a second longer he would never have said it, he knew his brother better than that, but the evidence before his eyes, the fear of what might have happened meant the words came out before he could stop them, or his fist from hitting his brother. Joe couldn’t defend himself even if he wanted to, what could he say without dishonouring Selina? Ben was about to speak up, he had no such qualms in protesting Joe’s innocence but before he had a chance to say anything Selina had run back and was screaming at Adam.

“Adam! Adam please. It wasn’t Joe it was me, he was a complete gentleman, Adam don’t hit him…it was me….”

Ben joined her as he saw how angrily Joe was now regarding his brother. The fist hadn’t hurt Joe half as much as being accused by his own brother. Ben tried to get through to him as he went over and helped his youngest son to his feet. Joe pulled away from him as he went to confront his brother but Ben held onto his arm as he tried to reason with him.

“Joe it’s alright, Selina has explained, he knows now son, Adam knows what happened.”

Ben had meant it as help but they were entirely the wrong words to say to Joe right then.

“Oh! So he believed her? But he didn’t believe in me? I’m his brother! I wouldn’t do something like that pa!..but he thinks I would and that’s all I need to know about my brother.”

Adam had gradually heard them through the red mist and his eyes now focussed on Joe. Joe was still panting heavily and Ben was still holding him back. As Joe gradually got his breath back Adam quickly offered his hand in apology. He’d immediately regretted hitting his brother and he would give anything to take back his hasty accusation.

For the first time any of them could remember Joe brushed him away, refusing his brothers hand and going back to the house.

Ben stopped Adam as he went to follow Joe, he was worried if they confronted each other too soon, with Joe in the mood he was in, they would come to blows again. When Joe was back inside and Adam was calmer, John approached them and suggested it might be best if he and Selina stayed the night in town. They were leaving the next day and it made the best sense, they were almost already packed and if they left now they could still get a room. Adam and Ben made the right noises about getting them to stay but they were both quietly relieved. They organised a buggy for them and Adam promised he’d come into town to see them off. When they were leaving a tearful Selina bent to kiss Adam goodbye and she apologised again.

“About Joe,” she said, “He really did nothing, I was a fool, please make it up with him. I’m so sorry, can you tell him that for me Adam? I’m sorry to both of you.”

Adam just nodded, he was finding it hard to forgive her just yet.

Hoss offered to drive them into town and as soon as they were out of sight, Ben went over to Adam.

“You going to tell Joe what she said? It was true, I was in the barn, he was a complete gentleman, I was very proud of him Adam. I think Selina has been interested in your brother for a while. Can you believe I actually caught her trying to kiss him when he was asleep on the couch the other day. I’ve been a little concerned about them since then.”

Adam sighed, “Pa I wish you’d told me.”

Ben agreed. “Believe me Adam, if I’d guessed it might come to this I would have, but I didn’t want to upset the visit unnecessarily, I had no idea Selina would take it this far and I’m sure Joe didn’t even realise she felt that way.”

Normally Adam would have made something of that revelation but he didn’t have the heart.

“Pa, he won’t want to talk to me.”

Ben answered him, “You could try, when he’s calmed down and I think you owe him that.”

Adam looked spent, he’d had a long day and he didn’t want to make any more mistakes.

“Pa I think I’ll go for a ride, is Joe in his room?”

“Yes I think so son.”

Adam nodded, “When you see him, tell him we’ll talk, I think you’re right though, we both need a little time.”

Ben was a little bit disappointed but he could see maybe it was for the best. If Adam tried to talk to Joe now he would undoubtedly get another rejection, Joe hadn’t looked like calming down anytime soon.

Adam went and saddled Sport after reassuring his father he wouldn’t be long.

Ben watched him go and with a heavy heart went to talk to his youngest son.

He was surprised to find Joe standing by the hearth and poking at the log, obviously still very angry. He looked up when the door opened but he was relieved that it was his father.

Ben spoke first, “Joe I thought you were up in your room.”

“I was Pa but when I heard John and Selina leaving I came down, Selina slipped a note under my door and after I’d read it I thought I might still catch her, I came down but she was saying goodbye to Adam.”

“And you thought you’d take it all out on the logs son?”

They both looked up as they heard Adam ride off.

Ben put a hand on Joe’s shoulder. “Joe he wants to talk to you, to apologise, but he didn’t think you’d want to see him just now. He’s going for a ride, maybe when he’s back you can talk? He really regrets what he said Joe.”

“He ought to.” Joe said, obviously just as angry. ” Look Pa I’m not going to be much company for a while, I guess maybe we’ll all be better off if I go back to my room.”

Joe knew it hurt his father for his sons to be at odds but he couldn’t forgive Adam, not yet, he was still smarting at the thought his brother could have believed that of him.

The next morning Joe was up before any of them and at breakfast he asked if he could take some time out to visit his friends. They were leaving the next day and it would be his last chance to see them before. He left out that they had asked him to go along with them once again. It still wasn’t his plan, but he did want a chance to wish them good luck.

Ben looked disappointed. “But haven’t we got things to discuss Joe?”

Joe looked almost quizzically back and just answered simply, “No Pa, I haven’t.” and he got up to go.

Ben was about to take issue but Adam shook his head at him. Maybe it was for the best, so Ben sighed and said Joe could go. He left with a very hurried goodbye.

Ben was relieved to have his home back, although he had enjoyed having the visitors. Maybe now they could all clear the air properly.

Adam had clearing the air on his mind too, and when he had achieved that he would talk to Pa about his plans. He really didn’t want to put it off any longer than he had too. There was never going to be a right time, he knew that now.

**

Joe had made good time into town and his first call was on Sally to see if she’d heard anything back from Lassiter. He was pleased when she told him he should be on his way back and would probably call in at the Ponderosa later.

Next Joe popped into the Bucket of Blood and was very happy to see Suzie there. Alarm bells rang for Suzie though when Joe had mentioned he’d be seeing Seth later, that combined with the fact she could see he was upset about something too. She tried to get him to stay and talk but he didn’t want to miss out on seeing Seth, so he politely declined but he promised he’d catch up with her properly soon.

She grabbed his arm, “I’ll hold you to that Joe.” She told him and she’d was rewarded with a warm smile and a kiss on the cheek before he left. She watched the door swinging and stayed watching long after it had stilled, she was very concerned for her friend.

She jumped to a shout of, “Hey, Suzie stop daydreaming and help clear these tables,” and she shook herself and reluctantly went back to work.

Joe lastly stopped off at the hotel where John and Selina were staying and left a note for Selina. She’d slipped the note under his door yesterday before they’d left, apologising again and thanking him for not taking advantage of a foolish girl. She hadn’t been brave enough to face him, but she wanted to say sorry for the trouble she’d caused. Joe didn’t want her to leave with any bad feelings and in his letter, he’d told her it was forgotten and he wished her a safe journey home.

Joe was heading back to collect Cochise when Doc Martin hailed him from across the street.

“Hey Joe, have you got a minute?” he shouted across.

Joe’s first thought was that something was up back at home but he relaxed a little when he saw Paul smiling broadly at him. Paul was fond of the youngest Cartwright, he’d delivered him after all and been treating him for various injuries ever since. As a close friend of his fathers, he’d shared in all the ups and downs of all the Cartwright’s lives but Joe seemed to have had more than his fair share of those ups and downs.

Doctor Martin had also recently shared many a laugh with another of his good friends, Sheriff Roy Coffee, over Joe’s ‘corset incident’ and it was this that was on his mind now.

Joe crossed over and tipped his hat as he approached.

“Hi Doctor Martin, what’s the trouble?”

Doc Martin could see the concern still evident on Joe’s face and immediately set his mind to rest.

“No trouble Joe, in fact it’s a been a while since you’ve called me out to the Ponderosa on business, I’m happy to say.”

Joe laughed, a little relieved so he was extra cheeky in his response.

“Yeah sorry about that Doc, don’t like to let you down like that, I mean we can’t have you getting’ complacent an’ all, just deliverin’ babies all the time can we?”

Paul laughed, “Well thank you for your concern young man but in a roundabout way I’ve got to thank you for an increase in my patients.”

Joe could see by the look on Paul’s face that he was having his leg pulled but he couldn’t for the life of him think how.

He put on a look that Ben knew only too well, “OK I give up what have I done now?”

Paul decided to put the young man out of his misery, “Well it’s about Roy Coffee, you see Joe he’s pulled so many muscles laughing about a story concerning you and a pile of corsets…”

Paul stopped when he saw the pained look immediately cross Little Joe’s face. Sherriff Coffee had already ‘blackmailed’ Joe to ensure his silence to his pa over this subject.

“You feeling alright Little Joe?” Paul asked him.

Joe resigned himself to his fate telling the good doctor, “I’m fine I guess. Is he still laughing about that? Heck it wasn’t all that funny, not from where I was sitting anyhow.”

“Well to hear him tell it, it was, but don’t worry he hasn’t told your Pa, I’m sure Ben would love to know how come you were collecting a box of corsets for Madam Lulu. And I’m sure Joe, we can think of something that will ensure my silence too.”

“How did I know that was coming?” groaned Joe.

“Well I’m visiting the orphanages soon and I can always use an extra pair of hands on my rounds. And the children love you coming and have you let them sit on that pinto of yours.”

Joe breathed a sigh of relief, that was no chore, he, Adam and Hoss had all taken turns doing that.

Joe held up his hands, “Ok you got me Doc…just tell me when.”

Paul clapped him on the shoulder and said, ” I’ll let you know a few days before I’m due to make my visits. You’re a good boy Joe.” And he went back to his office chuckling and muttering something about corsets all over the main street.

“Sure I am.” grumbled Joe wondering when it would end.

Paul was feeling a mite guilty when he got back in his office. He knew full well that Joe’s father knew all about the incident, he was just biding his time, waiting for the right moment to inform his son of the fact. Madam Lulu was an old friend and had told Ben all about it in minute and glorious detail, just as it had been told to her by Sheriff Coffee, and Sid at the mercantile. Needless to say the ladies in the dress shop would have nothing to do with the likes of her, so thankfully the fact that Little Joe had almost assaulted Miss Lily Mae Evans ample left bosom was a secret only to be shared among the afternoon ladies society on special occasions. Oh the fun Roy and Paul would have had if they’d also been privy to that information. Ben already was, he had friends on both sides of the street.

Joe left town, carefully avoiding Sheriff Coffee, just in case he too had any chores he wanted to con out of the youngest Cartwright. For fine upstanding people they could be awful sneaky he thought.

Joe was hungry for the less sneaky company of people nearer his own age and he set off to ride to Seth’s place. He was pleased to find Sarah and Mitch there, too, Sarah was an old school friend of them both and she and Seth were dating.

Despite what Suzie feared, Joe actually had no intention of going with his friends. Much as he might love to do it, it was just not the right time. His family, the ranch he just wouldn’t think of leaving just now, but he was pleased to catch him before he left. Seth true to form, tried once more to get Joe to come along,

“Joe it’ll be great and we’ll have much more fun with you along, c’mon pal it ain’t too late to live dangerously.”

Joe had smiled at that but he shook his head, he couldn’t completely hide his spark of interest in the trip though, it had been hard not to be tempted. Seth sensed this and wrote out of a list of the towns they planned to pass through anyway, plus a couple of ranches they were definitely going to stop at. Joe thanked him and looked at the paper before folding it and stuffing it in his pocket. He wished his friends well and gave Sarah a kiss on the cheek before heading back home.

The closer he got to the Ponderosa and the thought of sharing dinner with Adam the more Joe’s heart sank into his boots. He had enjoyed the chance to talk to his friends and he had actually felt quite envious as Seth outlined the plans and some of the adventures they planned to have along the way. It sounded more and more attractive the closer he got to home and the inevitable confrontation.

On the way he stopped off to pay his mother his respects and to lay some fresh flowers. He seemed to be finding himself here more and more lately and he was glad of the peace it gave him.

Eventually, he very reluctantly walked back to Cochise and slowly rode the rest of the way home.

**

Part Five

Hoss meanwhile had been wondering exactly where and when he would be banging his two brothers heads together. Since Joe had gone off this morning he’d made up his mind to do something about the pair of them. He really was worried one of them would up and leave.

His opportunity came unexpectedly and he got a chance to even go one better.

Hoss heard the familiar hoof beats as Cochise cantered towards the yard later in the afternoon and he watched Joe as he disappeared into the barn to unsaddle him. He’d been in there a little while when Hoss heard Adam step onto the porch, ready to ride into town to say goodbye to his friends, the Stathams. Hoss saw his chance, he’d promised Joe once that he wouldn’t interfere but now he felt he had no choice, he’d apologise later if he had to. He was pretty sure though that if this worked out, Joe would be only too happy to forgive him.

Giving Adam no chance at all to argue, Hoss grabbed him by the arm and dragged him over towards the barn, announcing very loudly that he needed to have a serious talk with him about Joe in there. He knew Joe would have had plenty of time to settle Cochise by now and that he wouldn’t want to be caught in the barn with Adam, but with his brother approaching he’d have no escape…except one. As he hoped he saw Joe disappear up the ladder and into the hayloft.

‘Got you!’ he thought, ‘both of you.’

If Joe was too stubborn to hear his brother out, then he had no choice but to make him listen. As Hoss guided Adam into the barn, they both saw that Cochise was eating his fresh hay contentedly and there was no sign at all of Joe.

Adam, not realising Joe had only just returned assumed he was still off somewhere avoiding him. Hoss lead Adam over and, as he sat him down on a hay bail beside Joe’s horse, he took the biggest gamble of his life. Except to Hoss it was no gamble.

He nodded towards Cochise, ” Still getting the cold shoulder huh?”

Adam had been studying his hands half expecting this; he studied them some more before answering,

“Yes, and I can’t say I blame him…I over reacted…when I came riding back and saw Selina like that and running away from Joe I jumped to the wrong conclusion. I didn’t think, I just reacted.” He held his hands up in surrender… ” I know, just like I accuse Joe of doing. But I should’ve known better. Even when I was shouting at him Hoss I was never accusing him of…I just thought. Well you know…”

Hoss scratched his head, “Oh yeah sure Adam, it’s as clear as day.”

Adam conceded the point. “I don’t know, just lately I’m as ready to go off half-cocked as Joe always seems to be.”

Hoss smiled for the first time, ” Ceptin’ now the boots on the other foot and he’s bein’ the cool one…but he’ll come around Adam, he allus does. It’s just…” and Hoss paused, he knew he was betraying a confidence and not only that, but the confider was listening, at least he sincerely hoped he was.

Adam picked up on the worried look on Hoss’ face.

“What Hoss..is Joe OK?”

Hoss reassured him quickly, ” Yeah, it’s nothing like that Adam.”

“Then what Hoss?” Adam pushed.

For Hoss this was the difficult part, he wanted to tell Adam but could he do that without losing his younger brother’s trust. He ploughed ahead, it was for Little Joe’s own good and he’d get him to see that.

“It’s just Adam that, well usually I can tell with Little Joe but well, you know those friends of his that are going off across the country taking wrangling jobs?”

Adam nodded “Yeah I’d heard about it.”

“Well they’ve been pestering him to go along…Adam I’m afraid he might up and decide to go.”

Adam looked surprised; although he could see why the idea might attract his youngest brother, alarm bells automatically went off in Adam’s head. Much as he liked Joe’s friends some of them were pretty wild and he couldn’t break the habit of a lifetime. Joe’s lifetime. While Adam was still thinking that over, Hoss, who had half expected an irate Little Joe to jump down on top of him any minute, went ahead and asked Adam straight out…

“Adam, what exactly do you think of Joe?”

Joe buried his face in his hands in his refuge in the hay loft and considered swinging down or just plain walking right out of there, he’d wanted to as soon as he heard the direction the conversation was going in and especially now it looked like Adam and Hoss had settled themselves down for a long cosy chat…about him! He’d hoped that his brothers would’ve come into the barn and left just as quickly. Before Joe could consider either escape, Adam replied and then he couldn’t help listening.

“What do you mean Hoss?” asked Adam a little irritated at having his thoughts disturbed. Joe leaving wasn’t something he’d ever really seriously considered.

Hoss looked exasperated. “Well it ain’t that hard to work out Adam, okay I’ll come right out and ask yer, do you love your little brother?”

Joe wholeheartedly wished he’d made his escape when he still could have. He groaned inside, ‘Aw c’mon Hoss give a guy a break.’

“You know I do…” Adam answered but he looked across at Hoss knowing that he’d asked the question for a reason. “Why, do you think he doesn’t know?” Adam said a little shocked.

Hoss answered with another question, ” Do you think he loves you?”

Adam stopped, ” I don’t know…I hope so.”

It was Joe’s turn to be stunned at his brother’s answer, as Hoss knew he would be. Joe thought to himself ‘Of course I do you fool, of course I’d like you a whole lot more if you weren’t always pickin’ on me and jumping to the wrong conclusions.’

Hoss broke into his thoughts, “You are harder on him than anyone else on the ranch you know that Adam?”

Adam threw his hands up, ” I have to be Hoss, you know that. No one gets in as many fixes as Joe seems to. He’s good but he still needs direction. You and I know better than anyone the dangerous situations he can and does get himself into.”

Hoss grinned, ” How Adam?”

Adam grinned back, ” Because we did it some of them ourselves, I guess.”

“Exactly.” Said Hoss

‘Yeah right,’ thought Joe.

Hoss looked thoughtful and asked Adam another question, ” Ok so when you was just eighteen, how d’ya think you’d have taken it if, not just your pa but yer big brother had stuck his big nose in all the time in your affairs?”

Adam was still grinning despite the inaccurate description, “Well I’d have bowed to his superior knowledge, naturally.”

“Yeah right,” said Hoss

‘Yeah right’ thought Joe, again.

Adam added more truthfully, ” But if I’d thought I was in the right I guess I might have told him to go to …”

And they both laughed and Joe missed the last word.

Hoss went on, “How do you think Joe would get on working on another ranch, say one that specializes in horses?”

Up in the loft Joe was about ready to scream for his brother to shut up but at the same time he strained to hear Adam’s answer.

Eventually he heard him reply, ” I think he’d get on very well since you ask…”

“You do?” said Hoss.

“The trouble between Joe and me, it’s never really been about his work, it’s his attitude sometimes.”

Joe frowned deeply knowing Adam had a point.

He heard Hoss asking, “Oh you mean that fun loving, devil may care attitude that ain’t been around much lately?”

Adam had to admit he’d missed that side of Joe too.

He shook his head, ” Look Hoss, I admit I have been hard on him and I’d hate him to lose that and I’d really hate him to lose it because of me. It’s just…”

“Just what Adam?”

“He takes chances, he doesn’t always think…”

“Hoss defended Joe, “Like a lot of eighteen year olds we know Adam and he works a lot harder than most of them too.”

“I know but with Joe it’s different.”

“How different Adam?”

“Because he does get himself in situations Hoss. You and I, even pa, we’re steady, Joe has this side of him where he takes risks and doesn’t think of the consequences and it frightens me, just like it frightens Pa…I just want him to stop and think, he’s young and he’s headstrong, cocky even…”

Hoss disagreed, “He ain’t as cocksure as you think, leastways about his abilities on the ranch, he has a lot to live up to big bro’ and if you keep telling him he’s doing it wrong but forget to tell him when he gets it right, why he’s gonna end up resentin’ yer for it sure as night follows day. Why do you think it’s like it is with you and Joe, Adam, it ain’t like we ever really have a problem?”

Adam looked serious, “I don’t know, sometimes it’s fine, sometimes he’ll ask me stuff and I know he totally respects what I’m saying, other times, I don’t know. Remember that time a couple of months back when we lit out with that posse, chasing the guys that killed Vannie Johnson. I didn’t like him being a part of that posse but we didn’t have much choice the way it went. If I’d known Paiute Scroggs would turn it into a lynch mob I never would have let him come along. Anyway, one night after a run in with Scroggs, Flint Johnson and his son, Joe was chewing over going against people who had been friends and neighbours for years. The little runt woke me up, I was so doggone tired but I could see it was worrying him. And he really listened to me, to what I was saying. ”

Joe was remembering, Adam had been bone tired but he hadn’t moaned…well not much, he had taken the time to reassure Joe, and he had felt better for talking it over with Adam. Even though he still had reservations he knew when he had any doubts Adam would help him through them. And he remembered when they’d had guns drawn on them as they’d buried one of the dead suspects Adam had stood protectively in front of Joe. Joe swallowed as he remembered.

Another lighter memory came back to Joe, ‘Oh yeah and Hoss you still owe me two bits for sweetening that I loaned you’, He’d never ask him for it but he couldn’t help smiling at the memory of Hoss giving away the bag of sweets he’d carefully chosen and bought with the two bits. Hoss had given them away to a young boy in case he foundered his horse after he ate them all! Joe had to stop himself laughing out loud at the memory.

Joe had been so lost in his memories he hadn’t realised that Hoss was talking again.

“But you see Adam, to Joe he was allowed to ride on that posse but not to decide about a horse he wanted to try out. One minute he’s bein’ told he needs a haircut and the next riding with that posse. You must see his frustration Adam.”

Adam couldn’t help but nod at that, starting to feel exactly how Joe must have felt when he made the decision to ride the horse.

“You did help him too Adam when you was with that Posse, he told me after how unsure he’d been and how strong you’d been and in the end you’d done the right thing and he was right proud you had. Maybe he should’ve told you too.”

‘Maybe I should have,’ thought Joe.

Hoss added, “Seems to me that you two was watching out for each other that day too when you got that bang on the head…if push comes to shove I reckon you two’d always look out for each other, it’s just dealing with each other day to day that’s the trouble, somehow you just cain’t seem to talk anymore, show what you’re feelin’ ” Hoss wanted to encourage Adam to open up but even so he was shocked when all of a sudden he did.

This had all been turning over in Adam’s mind for months now and he was ready to voice it, in fact he needed to, “Hoss, I’m not like Joe in that way, or Pa either, I guess I find it harder, it just doesn’t come as naturally to me, I don’t know, I guess I think about it too long…and then sometimes it’s too late.”

‘Ain’t that the truth,’ thought Joe feeling guilty for hearing but like Hoss astounded to hear Adam begin to talk like this. Now he felt like an eavesdropper, it was bad enough before but at least they’d been discussing him, he didn’t think Adam would want him to hear this. Joe always thought Adam didn’t trust himself to show what he really felt. Why though? How can it hurt you? But then Joe thought of a few times when he ‘d opened his heart up too easily and had it trampled. Maybe a few more times and he’d be more like Adam that way. Maybe, maybe not but he felt a little sorrow for Adam when he thought over some of the precious moments he’d shared with his father when a gentle squeeze of the shoulders or a generous hug had been all he’d needed to lift his spirits. As if reading Joe’s thoughts Hoss began recounting a story.

“Do you remember that time on Pa’s birthday Adam? Marie was holding Joe, singing to him I guess, like she allus used to. He must have been, what no more than three I guess and Ben was watching them and then he came across and kissed Marie.”

Adam butted in, “Oh you mean the time Joe looked like he was ready to clobber Pa because he thought he was being too rough with Marie?” and he grinned at the memory.

Hoss laughed, “No Adam it was after that, reckon he’d got used to them by then. No, this time Pa went across to join them and he kissed Marie. Me and you Adam were standing there looking at our feet, anywhere but at them! When suddenly Joe was giggling and putting his chubby little arms around both of them and joining in! It was so darned cute and before we knew it Pa and Marie was giggling and Joe was leaning back and shouting for us to join in…he shouted Hop Sing too iffen I remember it right.” he laughed. “We dragged our feet but we all ended up hugging and laughing. That’s what he’s allus been like Adam, his ma was like it and it’s just how he instinctively is and it’s a gift and being like that brings a lot of joy. But the other side of him, the stubborn ‘ornery side is just as much a part of him, you cain’t have one without the other and I’d never want to change a thing about him.”

Up above Joe had been mesmerised, he remembered the story of when he was little and his Pa had kissed his ma and Little Joe had thought he was being too rough with her so he’d cried and gone to tell his pa off, but he’d never heard that story and he wished he could remember it. When Hoss said the last words Joe had frowned at being called stubborn and ‘ornery, but he also thought ‘and there’s not a thing I’d change about you either Hoss.’

Hoss didn’t let up, he wanted to take full advantage of having his hard-headed brothers right where he wanted them, Joe, trapped so he had to listen and Adam ready to open up to him. Hoss had also been thinking a lot about this too, if things didn’t change around here he really had been afraid he might one of his brothers. He didn’t want to lose either one of them and he had a lot more to say.

“But it was different for you Adam,” he went on, “you didn’t have a ma to be like that with you when you were a young ‘en and while Marie treated us all the same it comes harder when you’re older, harder to accept and to give. But you have gifts too Adam, you’re a thoughtful, sensitive, caring strong individual, maybe you just need to show the sensitive side a little more where Joe is concerned.

With me and you Adam we went through all that stuff together at the start and maybe that made a bond where we do understand each other, but you are different with me than you are with Joe, less demanding maybe, or maybe you haven’t ever felt the need to be boss with me ‘cos I don’t challenge so much as Joe does.”

But Hoss had some words for Joe too, that he’d be too embarrassed to let Hoss say in ordinary circumstances, he imagined Joe cringing above him as he went on,

“And maybe I’m as guilty as you are about not saying how I feel. Joe said to me once that I just know the right things to say to people. That he can be feeling down and I can just lift his spirits no matter what…but he can do that for me too and I ain’t ever told him that. Never said what that daft giggle makes me feel like, or when I see that mischief in his eyes when he’s planning something, and afore long he’s roping me right along too. The way he comes bounding down them stairs or across the yard you can feel the fun just coming right off him. I’d sure miss all that and maybe I don’t need to say it, it just is. You and Joe, you need to work harder, maybe because of your personalities and maybe because of circumstances, probably both. But I haven’t seen much of the Joe and Adam that I grew up with around much at all lately.”

Adam looked uncomfortable, this was too close to home and he shuffled in his seat, but he knew it was all true. He thought back to a time when Joe was about fifteen and Ben had been recuperating from the flu, Adam had been up reading to his father to help pass the time and to ensure he got plenty of rest. He’d sat on the chair beside the bed and been rewarded by seeing his father eventually managing to sleep peacefully. The next day he’d popped in to find Joe had returned from school and was reading to his father from the Territorial Enterprise. He’d been shocked to see Joe was actually perched on the bed right beside his father, he was busy reading out animatedly all the interesting news stories from the latest edition. His father was leaning contentedly on his youngest son who intermittently put the paper aside and mopped his father’s forehead with a damp cloth.

Adam’s first instinct had been to admonish Joe for disturbing his father but he could see that Ben looked very content and comfortable and Joe slowed down every now and then to see for himself that he was not tiring his father.

Adam had left the room, happy at the sight but also slightly envious that it would never have occurred to him to act like that around his pa or his brothers and yet it came naturally to Joe. Hearing Hoss’ words he began to forgive himself a little.

Up in the loft Joe suddenly felt a tremendous desire to climb down and join his brother’s whether they liked it or not…but he tempered his enthusiasm expecting he’d get a sharp rebuke, he was eavesdropping after all, although he now had a very strong suspicion that he had been set up by Hoss. Plus he still had plenty to be mad at Adam about. Hadn’t he?

Hoss’ talk had done the trick for Joe but Hoss wasn’t quite finished yet.

“Maybe if you two could give each other the benefit of the doubt sometimes he wouldn’t be waiting for you to pick fault in everything he does. I can see it on his face, he’s on the defensive before he’s even through the door sometimes and as soon as you do find fault, even if you’re right, he’s all fired up and ready to jump at you.”

Adam was digesting this information. He knew this was true too.

“Did you ever think Adam, maybe you can learn a little from him too?” Hoss thought how great that could be for the kid’s pride.

Adam looked sceptical but conceded the point and surprisingly, once he got past his initial discomfort he found he was enjoying the conversation, “I don’t know Hoss, maybe there is some underlying something that we need to get in the open. I sometimes wonder if it didn’t all start when I left for college and maybe somehow he still resents that I went off and maybe I resent him a little that he wasn’t the same little boy when I came back…but I had to go Hoss, it was something I needed to do…”

“I think you might find our little brother understands having a deep need inside too now Adam, he was just too young before…you could try him.”

Up above Joe was totally uncomfortable at the way the conversation had gone now, hearing himself being discussed like this. At the same time he was still riveted to every word. So many things unspoken, left unexplained and so many misunderstood feelings. He had too many jumbled thoughts going on inside his head. He knew his Pa got angry because he worried about him, he understood that but he never thought of it like that with Adam, he just saw it as bossiness, poking his nose in where it wasn’t wanted. And he had to admit he had often reacted badly and a little ungraciously because of that. And yes he remembered being very upset when Adam had left for college, could he really be carrying some of that around with him?

Adam too had paused to think. Joe could be downright cocky, and he swore the first words he ever spoke must have been ‘don’t call me a baby, I ain’t no kid.’ But it never occurred to him that he still really needed Adams praise so badly, didn’t Pa do that enough?

” He doesn’t act like he needs my approval most of the time.” said Adam, thinking aloud.

” Yeah he does Adam, you just ain’t readin’ him right just now, and he’s too proud to ask for it. ”

Adam found himself quoting out loud. . .” I could easily forgive HIS pride, if he had not mortified MINE.” He had started reading Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austin before the trial and had never got around to finishing it. He resolved right then to start reading again, he had missed it so much.

” I beg yer pardon?” asked Hoss.

” Nothing Hoss I was just quoting about a couple of characters from a book I was reading once. ”

” Oh and they was like you and Joe?”

Adam chuckled, “Hardly Hoss, it was about a Mr Darcy and a Miss Bennet and I don’t think Joe would take too kindly to being compared to Miss Bennett.”

He was right.

‘Too right I ain’t like no Miss Bennet,’ scowled Joe, “You and your books Adam, he didn’t know the book that Adam was referring to, he just hoped it was thick so it’d hurt plenty when he chucked it at him. ‘C’mon Hoss, I had enough I have to get out of here.’ He mouthed silently while glaring darkly at Hoss through the floor.

But Joe had a little more to sit through and Hoss continued unaware of the black stares he was receiving through the floor of the loft, although the hairs on his neck suddenly stood up a bit, so maybe he did feel them subconsciously.

“Well as I was sayin,’ ” Hoss went on, “Joe’s too downright proud to ask you anymore and you just expect him to be wrong, you dun already made up yur mind he’ll mess up half the time and that ain’t exactly fair Adam, but I grant you our little brother does attract his fair share of trouble. We’ve all seen how it is when he walks in the Bucket of Blood…the girls there make a beeline for him. Even after church you can see them giggling and pointing trying to get his attention, it’s heady stuff for an eighteen year old, maybe he could use a big brothers advice roundabout now, I couldn’t see him talking to Pa about none o’ that.”

Bit late for that now thought Joe, who was doing ok with that part of his education he thought. Like his brothers before him Joe had also had a very uncomfortable talk with his pa about such matters but it was apparent that Ben had fully expected that his son was to understand the theory on the matter but had better not be putting any of it into practise, he and his youngest son had both been glad when the talk had ended.

Joe was very glad to hear Hoss change the subject,

“You’re always sayin’ Adam that you think Pa is too soft on Joe, but I don’t reckon he’s any softer or harder on Joe than he is on any of us. If anything Joe’s had more run ins with Pa on account of he crosses pa more than we did and he can be a stubborn little cuss when he sets his mind on something.” He said the last part with extra emphasis loving the fact that he had Joe cornered and he couldn’t very well answer back for once.

“True he’s had more time with Joe on account of us and the fact that The Ponderosa was up and running when Little Joe came along, but none of that is Joe’s fault and sometimes Adam you act like it was and there ain’t a darn thing he can do to change it.”

Hoss stood up and Joe breathed a silent sigh of relief hoping that his torture was finally at an end, but Hoss merely paced up and down inside the barn and carried on. Joe now sighed with despair.

“The thing with Joe is everything he does is done with extra shine and at an extra pace, he takes a run at life. Why just put your gun in your holster if you can twirl it first, that’s just the way he is. But I ain’t seen that in him lately and I want to. Sure he gets riled mighty quick but he forgets it just as fast when it’s over, maybe too fast and he’s let it build up. Take that day you had a go at him over getting them cows down to the north pasture. From Joe’s point of view, he’d done his job well, probably downright proud of doing it well too I’d guess, so he lets off a bit of steam playing with his epée in the house, so what? Then you come along all fired up and accusing, saying whatever you did that got him so riled.”

“I said he was playing with a monkey pick handed down from his French quarter mother.” Adam said painfully.

“Adam! No wonder! You know how he feels about her, how we all feel, you knew it’d rile him.”

“Yeah I guess I knew it would and I admit I wanted to wipe the grin off his face and make him face his responsibilities.”

“Which in fact he already had.” Hoss added.

“I know….now!” said Adam defensively,

“So just who hit who first Adam?”

“I uh, slapped him.”

“Uh-huh. Slapped? I’m sure he loved that, so you started it?”

“Yup.”

“And as I recall who apologised first?”

“Well I was a bit dazed you’d thrown me across the room.”

“I’d thrown him too…you darn fools. So he was the most responsible that day wouldn’t you say? And you do bark orders sometimes Adam, while with me you say, ‘can you do that fencing or round up those strays,'”
.
“Do I?”

“Yes.”

“Oh,”

Adam tried to explain, “Maybe it’s because I expect him to be awkward and I don’t want to give him the chance, and I don’t always have time to wrap it up nicely.”

Hoss understood, “And that’s fair enough, I ain’t sayin he cain’t be ornery too, look all I’m trying to do is make you see it from his side….I know he can do dumb things too, like running off to town with that Miss Lotta Crabtree, or heading into that Paiute camp and he shoulda never gone against Pa’s orders over that horse, so we got a right to worry, but maybe if we treated him more responsibly he’d act it. And maybe he don’t always realise how lucky he is having us watching out for him.” Again he over emphasized the last point to be absolutely sure Joe heard.

“Adam that boy has always looked up to you and respected you, he wants to do things to impress you, give him a chance to eh?”

The brothers went to rise, Hoss had sure given Adam a lot to think over and he slowly stood up and headed to the door, Hoss looked up stairs and winked to where he thought his brother was and he hoped he had not said too much.

Hoss headed back to the house while Adam set off as he’d originally intended, glad of the space to clear his head. A ride was the best thing he could do and he found himself looking forward to riding into town.

Joe sat there for quite a while thinking over everything that he had just heard. Why couldn’t Adam speak to him like that? But then would he have given him the chance? It suddenly felt like the last three months had been blown away. Joe knew he was flawed, didn’t everyone always tell him? Your temper Joe? You’re too impetuous, you should think first, but Adam? Mr perfect Adam, who everyone said was so clever so reliable, Adam could get things wrong too? Adam had doubts. Joe had assumed that the reasons he couldn’t get along with Adam as well as Hoss did were because of him, his temperament and his imperfections. He found that despite himself he liked this Adam again, the one he’d heard talking to Hoss, and maybe Adam liked him more than he realised. Joe wondered to himself if Adam would ever be able to say those things to him, that he’d said about him to Hoss. But then he decided it didn’t matter. He climbed down slowly, resolving once again to be less trouble to his older brother and to make more of an effort to understand him, all arguments were forgotten.

Inside the house Hoss had filled his father in on what he had done. He knew his father was trying not to interfere, so Hoss would have felt bad not explaining it to their father. The opportunity had arisen unexpectedly to get Joe to hear Adam out and he had acted instinctively and hopefully knocked some sense into both of them. Hoss had also reluctantly told his father that there might be a possibility of Joe following his friends. He’d promised Joe he wouldn’t tell unless he had to, but after last night he felt he had to.

After what he’d heard Ben wanted a quiet word with his youngest son. Ben knew that Joe could be harder on himself than anyone else could be, he wanted to see how Joe was and to tell him how much he wanted him to stay. Much as he’d already resolved to forbid him, that was not how he wanted it to be between them. He heard his son’s footsteps on the porch and he looked up as Joe opened the door and came inside.

When Joe saw his father, the first thing he wanted to do was to apologise to him for his rudeness this morning after breakfast. He looked at Ben and hesitated, suddenly feeling very ashamed at how he’d stalked off, his father hadn’t deserved that. Joe went to say so but his voice cracked on the first words.

“Pa, I…”was as far as he got.

Instinctively Ben came around from his desk and hugged his son. Joe wanted to ask him why? After how he’d behaved but in truth he didn’t care, it felt so good for the barriers he’d been slowly erecting to be so suddenly and so easily brushed away again. He hugged his father right back, both a little choked now but needing no words to explain exactly why.

The father and son pulled apart and Joe remembered the crumpled paper in his hand. His father didn’t need to see it so Joe wandered to the fire and dropped the rough itinery into the flames.

Ben looked at him asking a question with his eyes.

Joe picked up on it, “It wasn’t anything important Pa….nothing I needed.”

“Looked like a route Joe.” Ben ventured.

Joe looked at him surprised, then across at Hoss who just looked innocent, ” It was Pa…only I won’t be needing it.”

Joe went across to Hoss,

“Thanks Hoss.” He almost whispered.

“I ain’t done nothing Shortshanks,” Hoss said

“Yeah, you have Hoss. I owe you one, I don’t know what I did to deserve a brother like you but I want you to know, I do know how lucky I am to have you, I just hope I can be half as good …”

Hoss got a little choked now too and Ben watched on with immense pride in both of them, each one of his white hairs had been worth it.

“You don’t owe me nothing Shortshanks..it’s what brothers are for…” Hoss was starting to feel a little overcome and embarrassed at the thanks, he didn’t expect any.

Joe picked up on it straight away and let him off the hook changing tack, “Anyway you’re wrong I do owe you something Hoss.”

“What’s that Little Joe?” Hoss asked a little mystified.

“Well, soon as I’ve fed myself up on Hop Sing’s great cookinn’…course that may take a few years…I’m gonna haul you over my shoulder and dump you in the hay just like I promised and see how you like it…” he said as he reached up and mussed what remained of his brothers hair…”See how you like that too,”

And he ran off towards to the kitchen, suddenly starving, he’d been riding all day after all.
Hoss needed no more encouragement as he gave chase and Joe darted in and out of the furniture to escape.

“Yeah, you and whose army Shortshanks…?”

Ben had his arms up in the air shouting but he was enjoying the sport too… “Hoss slow down! Joe! The furniture!! Joe! Don’t jump on the furniture…”

“Sorry pa,” Joe said as he obediently jumped down.

Joe headed to the kitchen and fixed himself a sandwich and asked when Adam would be back.

“You want to talk to him son?”

“Yeah I do Pa.” Joe answered between mouthfuls.

Ben smiled encouragingly,

“Joe, over the past months he has been hard on you… but I think it might have started that day…the day we were almost hanged. It was a hard thing to share a jail cell with someone you love knowing they might soon be killed. To have that rope pulled over your head and tightened believing you are facing your last moments on earth. It makes you face things and I think Adam’s still doing that. I think having that noose around his neck did something Joe that maybe he doesn’t even understand and I think he’s been trying to work it through…. try to forgive him son, he doesn’t mean to hurt you, he’s just been hitting out and I know he didn’t mean to. ”

Joe had stopped mid-bite and he laid aside the sandwich he’d moments before been starving for.

Listening to his father so graphically describe the feeling of the coarse rope being fitted round his neck he was suddenly seeing things very clearly how Adam must have that day. At the time they’d all recognised it but as time had passed they’d all but forgotten. But Joe knew how a memory like that could haunt you. He cursed himself for not thinking of it himself, of course he’s been hurting, he’d almost been killed. He’d spent days in jail facing that agonising death, naturally he wouldn’t just snap back to normal, that wasn’t Adam’s way even at the best of times. Joe suddenly felt very stupid for not having recognised it better himself. While not taking the blame all to himself he did realize that maybe he could have been more tactful with Adam, more helpful and co-operative.

It had been hard for his father to talk about, to relive that time and the look that passed between father and son showed that Joe understood this.

“Pa…thanks…I’ll go and find him now, meet him half way home, maybe we can make it right.”

Ben squeezed Joe’s shoulders, feeling great pride in his young son once more.

“I know you will Joe.” he encouraged him.

**

Adam had gone into town to see John and Selina off and then he’d stopped off in the Bucket of Blood. It was a hot day and a nice cold beer would go down just perfectly. He had heard Suzie laughing and he watched as she’d approached his table with her tray of glasses.

Joe had been on Suzie’s mind all day, ever since she’d spoken to him. She was worried by the way he’d seemed this morning and she was seriously worried he’d do something he’d regret.
He’d been on her mind for other reasons too, she knew he was getting serious about Allie and it hurt much more than she let on. It was her own fault that he’d backed off and in her heart she knew it was the right thing for Joe’s sake. But if it really was the right thing, then why didn’t it feel better than this? Maybe if he’d just asked her one more time…but no, Susie had resolved not to waver but that didn’t mean she wouldn’t step in when she thought her friend was in trouble.
She’d guessed something might have happened with Adam and much as she didn’t want to interfere she knew Joe was unhappy with how things were between them. She walked over to Adam’s table but even then she hadn’t known if she would find the courage to say anything until she found herself sitting by him and actually speaking to him.

She was gorgeous but strictly off limits in Adam’s eyes and so he wasn’t tempted as she sat beside him.

“Hi Adam,” she said a little shyly, he seemed to be reading her thoughtfully, he was a little intimidating. She was already regretting approaching him; she just hoped Joe would understand.

“Hello Suzie, ” said Adam slowly.

Suzie decided to go for broke, ” Adam you and Joe, I mean. I know things between you haven’t, well…”
She suddenly wished she’d never started as Adam looked at her, but she went on, “Well..talk to him Adam, he needs you…”

Adam grinned, “And what has the kid been saying about his older brother?”

Suzie was quick to defend him, “It’s not what’s he’s been saying Adam, he doesn’t have to. Just talk to him ok? I’m afraid if you don’t he’ll up and leave with those friends of his and I don’t think it’s what he wants, not really. He went off to see them after I saw him this morning and I know they’ve been pushing for him to go with them. I think when he left here this morning it was on his mind to do it, that’s all Adam.”

And she got up and left already regretting her impulsive words, she knew better than to interfere but she’d seen a shadow fall across Joe’s face too many times recently at the mention of his brother. ‘I’ll tell him next time I see him, I hope he forgives me.’ She promised herself.

Adam drained his glass and left the saloon. As he rode home he remembered her words, ‘Joe needs me huh?…And what about what you need Adam, have you worked that out yet?’

On his way back he thought a lot about that, he’d been realising slowly that what he needed maybe he had all the time. His family, his home. Sure, he’d like to travel but the urgency had somehow diminished over the last days. Imagining Joe actually leaving tugged at him. It wasn’t something he’d seriously imagined, not yet anyway, even when Hoss had suggested the possibility. Adam had thought he’d been ready to say goodbye to his family and his home but he’d started to feel the heavy cloak of unwanted responsibility gradually lifting from his shoulders. Once it no longer felt like an obligation things looked so different and he knew now where he belonged. And he’d make Joe see that he did too.

**

Joe took his time riding towards Virgina City, he hoped and fully expected to meet Adam on the road home, maybe that was for the best so they could really talk. He was surprised when he saw what he guessed were Adam’s tracks leave the trail home and head towards a familiar spot. Joe smiled to himself that his brother would head here, to his place.

As Joe rode along he felt pretty good about things. Even for him the last few months had been an emotional roller coaster ride.

There’d been the growing distance between him and Adam, the ordeal of the near hanging, the fall out with his father over the sorrel, he was watching some good friends up and leave on an adventure that he couldn’t deny he had had mixed feelings about saying no to. Lassiter was most likely moving to Stillwater and although Joe was happy for him he would miss his new friend. And then there was Allie. Joe had had some bad news regarding Allie and she was never very far from his thoughts. And then to cap it all there was last night, but at least Joe could put that behind him now. Yesterday he hadn’t been prepared to accept Adam’s hand but now he would offer his own. He approached his ‘sanctuary’ in high spirits knowing how happy it would make Hoss and his father to see the two warring brothers coming back home together.

Joe was still annoyed at himself for not having been more sensitive to his brothers ordeal over the hanging, the more he thought about it he realised Adam must still tormented by the experience, he probably relived it all the time. As Joe followed Adam’s trail, he was touched that his brother would choose to come here to Marie’s grave, just as he so often did himself. Joe pulled up well short of the spot planning to go the last part on foot. He didn’t want to disturb his Adam. What he heard when he got closer though froze him to the spot.

Adam had enjoyed his ride and had decided to take a leaf out of his brother’s book and make a detour to visit his stepmother Marie’s grave. It was a peaceful spot and he felt close to her there. He planned to talk to Joe when he got back and say all the things he had said to Hoss.

Joe was so like he remembered Marie to be that he hoped visiting her grave first would help him to get it right this time. He knelt by the stone and removed his hat, not knowing at first where to start. The solitude and tranquility of the spot and the closeness he felt to Marie and also to Joe soon had him sharing his thoughts aloud.

“Oh Marie, so much has changed since we lost you. That little baby son you bore, well he and I well, we’ve been fighting a lot lately Ma. I’m hoping though that we can get past it now…I guess we’ve not been getting along too well at all these past months.” Adam was concerned by what Suzie had told him and concerned too that Joe might just up and leave because of what happened between them. It was just the impetuous kind of thing he might do without thinking it through, or on how it might impact on the rest of the family.

Adam had been feeling as though a heavy cloud hanging over his head had disappeared. He could suddenly see things very clearly and he was anxious to get everything straight. Looking back now as he recounted some of the events of the past months, he felt frustrated that he hadn’t handled things better . As he talked his voice got louder and he grew more animated as his vexation grew at the whole situation and how it had so nearly got out of hand. Most of all he was alarmed, for all the bad feeling that he should never have let come between them. He was more determined than ever to stop Joe. He thought of Joe and a mixture of images flashed through his mind; Joe riding the sorrel, him coming back with the news about Lennie, at the Washoe Diggings courting an Indian princess, the angry looks, the hurt looks and lastly the hand of apology pushed aside. His anger wasn’t at Joe, no he realised now it had never really been at Joe but to anyone listening that was exactly how it sounded.

“And now Marie, he wants to up and leave. And you know what I should say just to get through to the young fool just to make him listen to me and stay?”

His exasperation was clear in his voice as he almost shouted,

“Go Joe, save Pa, me and Hoss a lot of trouble, he can’t take orders, he’s hot-headed, he looks for trouble and you know something else?” Adam was on a roll, ” Pa wouldn’t have a grey hair on his head if Joe hadn’t been born.” and he, lowered his voice as he said what he really felt but it was too late for Joe who had only heard the worst.

Joe had approached his sanctuary full of hope that he and Adam could put their differences behind them. This was the one place Joe would always go when he needed to find some peace or an answer.

But he’d turned away shocked and in total denial when he’d heard Adam’s words,

“Go Joe, save Pa, me and Hoss a lot of trouble, he can’t take orders, he’s hot-headed, he looks for trouble and you know something else? Pa wouldn’t have a grey hair on his head if Joe hadn’t been born.”

Adam had been talking to Joe’s own mother about him? In his place. He’d never begrudged Marie to them, never felt she belonged to him any more than them, he actually felt a warm pride that Hoss and Adam loved her as much as he did, but he did now, with all his heart he did now. As the shock left him he began to replay Adam’s words in his mind again.

‘He’s trouble, he can’t take orders, he’s hot-headed, Pa wouldn’t have a grey hair on his head if Joe hadn’t been born…’

Joe looked like he was in a trance as the full force of the treachery hit him. He somehow retraced his steps back to where he’d tethered Cochise. His brother had betrayed him in the worst way he could have. Joe’s thoughts were swimming around uncontrollably as he remounted Cochise. Everything he’d heard Adam say to Hoss must’ve been lies, none of it made sense, but Joe had heard the words, he wanted to deny them but they kept drumming in his brain over and over.

‘Trouble’…’if Joe hadn’t been born’…hadn’t been born…’

His own brother had tarnished the most sacred spot he knew. How could Adam have said those words about him and to his mother? Joe’s mother? He felt the warm tears on his cheek as the life he knew seemed to be disappearing before his eyes. His eyes were blurred and he could hardly see in front of him as he slowly made his way along the path eventually turning off the main route home. Joe came to a decision that he thought he could never make. There was no doubt in his mind that he couldn’t stay in the same place with this brother.

He tried to collect his thoughts as he rode a little used trail, he was unwilling to meet anyone else on the road. He’d collect some things and be gone. There was nothing else he could do.

Joe wasn’t sure anymore that he owed anything to his brother Adam but he knew he owed it to his father and to Hoss to at least tell them he was leaving. He knew in his heart he was tearing his family apart but he couldn’t stop it, it would hurt his father more in the long run if he stayed feeling the way he did.

**

Adam knelt again beside the grave and carried on much quieter now,

“But I wouldn’t mean any of it Marie, because I guess I must love him very much, I really don’t want him to change, he belongs here just as much as I do, help me reach him…you were so like him, pa always says so…you and I, we were the same, we fought too, but we got past it. But just lately I can’t seem to talk to him. ”

Adam was feeling better after his outburst and he said a silent prayer for Marie. He smiled for the first time as he noticed the flowers that Joe must have placed by the headstone and he told Marie about her son…

“As ornery as he is Ma, he’s growing into a man to be proud of, he’s brave, he’s strong, he knows how to enjoy life better than anyone I know, please help me Marie, help me get through to him, he is like you in so many ways and I don’t want to lose him. As much as he makes me mad one minute I want to pull him to me and hug him the next,” and he smiled and added ‘except, he wouldn’t let me.” He replaced his hat and went over to Sport ready to ride home and make peace with Joe.

**

Joe rode on bitter, angry and hurt. How Joe needed Hoss right then, to calm him down, but Adam was taking Hoss from him, he’d been trying to take his mother from him, his father and his home, he was taking it all. The bitterness was overwhelming him. If he hadn’t heard Adam say those words to his mother he never would have believed them. If anyone had told him, he would have faced them down.

‘You dirty rotten liar, Adam would never say that.’ But he had, Joe had heard him say it. There could be no doubting what he’d heard him say.

Your son, Marie…trouble…if he’d never been born. Joe swiped angrily at the tears, no there’d be no more tears.

Joe hadn’t even thought about where he’d go, just that he would collect his belongings and be gone. Maybe he could catch up to his friends, it wasn’t too late. Suzie would help him find a room for tonight where he wouldn’t have to see anyone. He felt sick at the thought of telling his Pa and Hoss and he knew they would try and talk him round, but they would fail. Even if the thought of leaving the Ponderosa was ripping at his heart nothing could stop him and he headed back quicker now to get it over.

Joe knew he had to face Adam, he even wanted to, but he couldn’t have done it back there, he would not let Adam spoil his memory of his mother. But he had no heart to repeat what he’d heard and definitely not in front of his father. But if he got the chance he would make him take back the words and he’d make him apologise for each one.

**

Adam rode towards home feeling better than he had done in a while, it was almost like he was seeing things fresh, he was enjoying the scenery around him and looking forward to getting back and setting a few things straight whether his stubborn brother was ready to or not. Talking with Hoss and maybe just time had made him look hard at his life and his relationship with his brother. He was seeing the good in things again. He’d still have his ambitions to move on, he’d still keep on his brother’s tail to make sure he became the man Adam knew he could be, but this would be tempered. Joe was a good kid, and not so different from how he had been at the same age. Perhaps a little more cocky and devil may care but not so very far apart. He had missed their old relationship. Things had got rocky for a bit but he felt confident they could get it back. Adam took a deep breath filling his lungs with the fresh Ponderosa air and Spurred Sport on to a gallop.

He was taken completely by surprise when a snake darted across Sports path and caused him to rear up. Adam was thrown awkwardly from the horse, catching a glancing blow to his head as he fell. Sport was well trained and didn’t run and a slightly dazed Adam desperately tried to calm the horse down, he succeeded in stopping him from galloping off but he froze in place when he saw that the snake was poised only yards away from him in the grass, he instinctively moved his hand over to his holster only to find his gun gone and out of his reach.

Adam heard a horse in the distance and his heart was in his mouth in case the rider spooked his horse or caused the snake to strike.

He needn’t have worried, the rider was his young brother and he took in the situation immediately.

As Joe had rejoined the path he had been surprised to see Adam on the ground, his horse having dumped him. Adam was frozen to the spot staring ahead when Joe spotted the cause. It was a rattlesnake a few feet from him. Joe didn’t hesitate but carefully dismounted and walked slowly towards Sport reassuring the horse as he went, he drew his gun and fired twice hitting the snake both times. That was enough for Sport though, he galloped a little way down the trail. Joe quickly remounted Cochise and galloped after him, he soon retrieved Sport for Adam and returned his mount to him.

Adam was still sitting by the roadside, the bang to the head wasn’t serious and he looked up as Joe approached holding Sports reins in his hand. Joe wasn’t sure what he was feeling as he approached him still sitting by the side of the trail, so he asked tentatively… “Did he get you?”

Adam had been stunned by Joe’s sudden appearance, then relieved and now he was very happy to see his brother. Maybe this was their chance to rebuild some bridges. He smiled the first genuine smile that Joe had seen directed at him anyway, for a long time.

“No brother he didn’t, thanks to you…” and he put a hand up expecting Joe to help him to his feet.

Joe merely looked at it and then said without emotion, that showed anyhow…in fact it was churning around inside him but the last few days had affected him and he kept it from his face. Joe said the words that would cut straight at Adam’s heart,

“Adam, I’d have done that for a stranger.”

Seeing his brother in danger had changed nothing for Joe, except take away the need to confront him, for now. Now he knew he was ok Joe coldly turned away from him, retrieved Cochise and without looking back continued his journey home. There was nothing he wanted to say to Adam any more.

It had floored Adam.

If the words had been chosen to cause the maximum hurt, they succeeded. In fact they hadn’t been.
They were merely a statement of fact. Adam had become for Joe the person that he hadn’t thought existed. The person that had made him want to leave the Ponderosa. Worse than a stranger.

The coldness in his little brother’s eyes was more than Adam could take. He wasn’t sure what he imagined would happen when they met, he expected anger, recriminations, maybe fists and even tears but ultimately reconciliation. He’d never seen that empty look in his brother’s eyes. Almost hate. Almost. He’d seen it in many people but to see it in Joe’s, his baby brothers’ was too much.

He sat for a while and then dusted himself down as he gathered his things. His anger rose steadily as he pictured his brother and what he’d said. Whatever he’d done he knew he hadn’t deserved that. His only thoughts were to ride after Joe and confront him, he’d get through to Joe and he’d get an explanation.

**

Joe rode back into the yard, his anger and hurt overriding any other emotion as he prepared to say goodbye to his father and brother. All the suppressed hurt and confusion of the last few months and most particularly few hours had pushed him on. Now he needed to calm down before he faced them, he wouldn’t let them see he’d been upset. He slid off his horse and sought the anonymity of the barn. He tried to compose himself but the words just kept on coming back.

‘He should never have been born…he’s trouble…

Before he even recognised where he was, Joe found himself standing by the punch bag, Adam’s words still going over and over continually in his mind. Everything he’d heard in the barn no longer made sense…lies just lies. Joe could not express his hurt, it was worse than pure physical pain, it was all consuming and without any conscious thought he began aiming his fists. He took out on the punch bag what he had wanted to take out on his brother. One fist then the other, over and over. He didn’t feel the pain as his flesh first grazed then tore against the rough makeshift punch bag. Each punch was a retort he’d held onto…a brother’s lie or an angry word he’d heard spoken at his mother’s graveside as Joe desperately tried to erase them from his mind. He was oblivious to the pain as his already sore fists connected again and again with the coarse cloth, he didn’t even see the bloodstains where his raw knuckles had scraped against the unforgiving punch bag. It wouldn’t have stopped him if he had. The punch bag became the target for all his hurt and it was only when his strength finally gave out that the relentless pounding finally stopped. Even then he grabbed the bag with the little strength that remained in him and he pressed his face hard against the coarse material to stem his tears. He was angry at himself, no tears he’d promised, and as he tried for one more punch his strength finally gave out completely and he sank to his knees. All the anguish of the last months had finally caught up on Joe and he remained where he’d knelt, with his head down, emotionally and physically crushed.

The only movement in the barn was the punchbag as it slowly spun round, eventually coming to a stop above his head. The stillness now was in stark contrast to the explosion of pain of a few moments before. A shaft of light streamed through the open barn door but it could do nothing to lift the scene, it merely highlighted the blood red smears on the now motionless bag and the broken figure of the boy bowed and on his knees below it.

Slowly he gathered himself, he had to go and it had to be before Adam returned, he would protect his father from a sight that he knew would break his heart. His father couldn’t know why. For the first time Joe absently glanced at his hands, he pulled himself up and walked haltingly out of the barn and over to the water trough. When he got there he sunk his hands deep into the cooling water and then he looked up just once before entering the great house.

It had been all Hoss and Ben could do to stay seated in their respective chairs when they’d heard the horse ride in. This was between the two of them, for it to be truly over they had to settle it between themselves, but they really believed this time the brothers had finally done that.

Hoss and Ben looked up expectantly as Joe approached, instantly realising the significance, as they took in the determined but sad set of his face. They stood dumfounded as he quietly explained that he was leaving, that he loved them and that one day, hopefully he would come home. He’d come back for some clothes but if they loved him they wouldn’t try to stop him, or ask him why. Ben was dumbstruck, he couldn’t understand. Joe had gone to make peace with Adam, how had it come so suddenly to this?

In an instant they were in front of him begging him to reconsider and beseeching him to stay and at least talk to them. Surely there was nothing so bad that they couldn’t work it out. Ben’s heart lurched as Joe didn’t even answer, just shook his head and turned away from them, he’d forget the clothes, he just had to go. Joe just wanted this to be over, it was too hard.

Outside Adam approached the house . He was angrier with his brother than he thought it were possible to be. He returned to the sight of Ben and Hoss imploring Joe, begging him to stay, to explain, but when Joe heard Adam he knew he had to get out. He gave his father and Hoss a last look goodbye and brushed past Adam at the door, not even acknowledging him or gauging the depth of his anger.

Adam followed him straight out with Hoss and Ben quickly following him to the door.

Adam looked dangerously angry and Joe just looked spent, defeated.

Adam charged at his younger brother, but stopped a yard short of grabbing him and as calmly as he could, though his anger was obvious he said,

“This has got to stop,.,…NOW!!!!So I made a mistake… a big mistake and I’m sorry Joe really sorry… Joe you are being ridiculous and I want to know why! You’re tearing the family apart…why?? So you’re gonna go? To hurt us?? To hurt Pa??Why Joe WHY????”

Joe didn’t even glance back at Adam as he made his way back to his horse, he wasn’t even listening. He didn’t need what he was doing to his beloved family pointing out to him. He knew only too well, but he also knew what staying would do to them too. They couldn’t both stay anymore… to Joe there was no choice to be made.

He was glad he’d faced his father, his brother Hoss, even if he hadn’t been able to bring himself to tell them why. No, he couldn’t have done that, that would have broken his father’s heart. But he hadn’t realised how hard it would be, that he’d have to force himself to make every single stride away from his beloved home and he couldn’t have known how beaten he would feel at each one of those steps. As he made his way over to his horse he really didn’t know how he was going to find the strength of purpose to mount Cochise and ride away. All his thoughts were focused on that…nothing else and certainly nothing Adam had to say to him.

Adam continued after him, raising his voice even louder.

“Joe! Stop this now or so help me I will make you stop!!” Adam was going to prevent this, whatever way he had to.

Again Joe made no response to him. Adam was furious, without thinking he started a run and leapt on his brother bringing him easily to the ground, Joe was hardly even aware of him he was so lost in his own thoughts and his own heartbreak. He went down like a sack of potatoes, the wind was knocked right out of him and as he felt himself being turned over he struggled to catch his breath, only to find his brother looming down on top of him and screaming in his face. Adam’s weight held Joe there and his hands were roughly grabbing Joe’s jacket forcing him to look at him.

“Why Joe? Why?? You owe me that…you owe pa that…”

Ben and Hoss had been frozen to the spot they were so shocked at the scene but they ran towards where Adam had Joe trapped under him as yelled at him to answer him.

“Why did you say that back on the trail? Explain it to me Joe!!”

This was the sight that had greeted Lassiter too. When he’d returned to the ranch he had led Sport into the barn for Adam and had seen the signs of Joe’s anger and the blood stains on the punch bag, he didn’t know the reason but he recognised only too well the very raw emotion that must have triggered it.

Adam was still holding Joe down, screaming at him for a reaction but it was getting him nowhere. At first Joe was too winded to speak. Adam’s weight on him was making it hard to get even a breath inside him. He watched Adam, almost detached from the scene, who was Adam anyhow? The Adam he’d heard talking to Hoss in the barn? the Adam he’d heard at his mother’s graveside? or this Adam screaming in his face not to leave. Joe didn’t care, he just wanted him off him so he could finish what he’d set out to do. He found some strength to grab Adam’s arms and stop him from shaking him. His words were said with the same hostility that Adam had heard back on the trail. Joe had that same look and once more it made Adam go cold.

“I don’t want to fight you Adam, not here, not now, but you won’t stop me leaving.”

Adam yelled back at him as Joe still held tight to his arms, “No Joe, you’re not, not without telling me why, don’t you know what this is doing to Pa?”

Joe’s eyes flickered darkly as Adam said those words,

Doing to Pa? What he was doing to Pa? What would it do to Pa to hear what Adam had said at his wife’s graveside? How could Adam ask him that? Would he being doing this to his father unless he had to? His cold fury at Adam’s words finally gave him the strength he needed to buck Adam off him and the two brothers rolled furiously in the dirt, neither one losing his grip on the other. As determined as Joe was to go, Adam was just as determined to stop him and they traded desperate kicks and punches as Joe tried to get away and Adam tried to hold on to him.

For Ben and Hoss the images were worse than anything they could ever have imagined, they were getting ripped in two, wanting to stop it but sensing too that Joe and Adam had to work this through. Lassiter was closest now and he intervened first.

“That’s enough Adam!!”

He managed to get a grip on Adam’s shoulder, the firm touch shocking Adam out of his tirade, he’d forgotten anyone else was around, he was so caught up in his rage, this had been all about him and Joe, a culmination of months of recriminations and unsettled differences and he resented any other mans intrusion. He pushed the unwelcome hand off him. But it had made him stop long enough to realise where he was and what he was doing and he stepped back off his brother. Again it was Lassiter who spoke as he helped Joe off the ground, he looked at the younger man, too many emotions flitting across the now very boyish features for him to read this time…but he tried,

“Joe,” he started gently…I’ve carried so much hate inside me for so long…and it’s a bad thing…it poisons you, slowly…let it go now Joe. Don’t let it destroy you…don’t you think you should tell him?”

And then he added so he wasn’t pressurising him… “and then go if you still have to…”

Lassiter held his gaze, there was something hypnotic about him that demanded your respect. He was rewarded with a nod and he could see that he had got through to Joe.

Joe wiped the blood that trickled from his mouth with the back of his hand as he got his breath back. The emotion in Adam, the pure intense emotion he’d released had shocked Joe but he had needed to see it. He stayed where he was, trying to settle his thoughts into something coherent but they were still raging. His confusion ran unchecked and everything around him was a hazy blur, except for Adam and what he’d heard him saying. He started to repeat something he never wanted to, never wanted to hear again or to admit could ever have been spoken.

“I heard you Adam…at the lake.”

There was total silence, Joe was speaking softly, hesitantly, so his father wouldn’t hear, but he did hear, he had moved closer and he could hear every word and he listened as if his life depended on understanding.

“You were at the lake, by…” he couldn’t say it………. “You told her… you wished I hadn’t been born…the trouble I caused to everyone, mostly Pa, …the disappointment I was… you dirtied the most sacred place I know…and you tried to steal her memory from me…I can’t stay here knowing that, sharing this place with you…not feeling the way I do…and now……… you made me repeat it………and I won’t ever forgive you for that.”

Joe surprised them all by somehow finding the strength to run the short distance to Cochise, leap onto his horse and ride off without even looking back.

They’d all been too stunned by what he’d said to move. Ben and Hoss relived the words. Had Adam said that? Why? But he wouldn’t have…but Joe had heard him.

They turned their eyes to Adam who was desperately trying to remember his words. Yes he’d gone to the grave, yes he’d been angry that Joe might up and leave… and yes he’d indulged in some less than choice descriptions about Marie’s only blood son. But he’d been venting and he’d finished off with saying how despite it all he loved Joe, that Marie would be proud of how he was growing to be a man and how he wished he could find a way to tell him that. Adam had gone somewhere to clear his thoughts and he’d chosen somewhere close to Joe too. Now he thought it had been the wrong place, and he realised with sudden horror that Joe had heard the very worst parts of what he’d said, and not hung around for the full picture. And how could he blame him after what he must have heard.

Adam was shocked, the thought uppermost in his mind was ‘how could he possibly believe that of me?’ Had their relationship deteriorated so much? Adam had been so wrapped up in his guilt, his confusion… had he not seen how bad it had got? Could Joe have really believed that of him? he tried to relive some of their recent conversations and Joe’s face kept coming back to him. The looks, the hurt glances, the anger, the attempts at reconciliation and finally and worst of all, the coldness…yes they had got so bad, he’d seen it, just not been able to stop it. Because that would have meant explaining his deepest feelings before he was ready to, before he understood them himself.

He hoped he knew where Joe would be. Adam was aware of a movement beside him and he saw Hoss and Ben about to saddle up.

Ben pulled him by the arm, “Adam, I’ll go after him, he will listen to me. He’s upset but he must have misunderstood.”

Adam shook his father’s arm off, roughly, but then he nodded an apology, but he wouldn’t be stopped.

“No.” he stated firmly accepting no argument, “Let me go after him, it has to be me, he’s got it all wrong and I have to make him listen. Don’t worry Pa I won’t let him leave, not for this.”

Adam mounted and lit out after Joe.

Hoss and Ben exchanged a look and followed. Ben had stayed out of this enough, he’d let Adam try but he wouldn’t be far behind him.

Adam wasn’t far behind Joe at arriving at the same spot they’d been at a few hours before. He saw Cochise was tethered nearby and he moved silently closer and this time it was his turn to stand in the shadows and listen as Joe spoke to his mother.

“Ma, inside I know I haven’t let you down…I know leaving is wrong but I can’t see another way, it’s killing pa and Hoss to see us fight, so this is goodbye…but I promise you…one day I will be back and maybe things will be different…wherever I am you will always be in my heart and if pa…or Hoss and he hesitated…or Adam ever need me I’ll come back…and his voice cracked so he almost couldn’t continue…I promise ma…I love you…”

Joe was on the lake side of the grave with his head bowed. He was about to stand and take his leave for the last time, unwilling to prolong this moment any longer, when he felt the presence of the man at the centre of his heartbreak suddenly behind him. Adam had approached quietly, afraid his brother would take off again if he saw him. Joe hadn’t even noticed him until Adam was next to him but Joe just resigned himself to the fact…there was no need to fight him anymore. For him it was over. He stood to leave and go past his brother without even acknowledging him.
Adam took hold of his arm and turned Joe towards him. He could see his brother was past anger, anger would have felt good to Joe right then, but he was numb and he had no fight left in him, not even to resist the gentle pull from Adam. He was past even that.

“Joe, I have to say something…. and I need you to listen, really listen and then if you still want to go, then I won’t try and stop you.”

“Adam you couldn’t stop me…” was all Joe offered sounding very tired but looking at his brother in the same empty way that had so disturbed Adam before. Adam had never seen Joe like this and it hurt him deeply to see him like it. Joe never gave up, but fighting his family was different.

“Joe…please, listen to me…I’ve been wrong…. I think I’ve treated you pretty badly and I need you to know why. I couldn’t understand it myself before properly…. For a long time Joe, I’ve been fighting a need…. a need to spread my wings…to fly Joe, away from here…. but I couldn’t stand the guilt…knowing what it would do to Pa right now. I think maybe that was why I was so hard on you…I needed you to show that you could take the reins too…to help Pa and Hoss…”

He looked at Joe and was rewarded by the knowledge that Joe appeared to be listening…. too spent, too sad to do anything else or even to dispute anything.

“When that noose went round my neck Joe, it all looked so clear, if I got the chance I’d take it…but with the relief and the happiness that we were all safe again, well that made it harder to tell pa, you and Hoss and to my shame I see now I took some of my anger out on you… I’ve been angry and confused Joe, I could neither forgive nor forget what they did to us, all of us. I thought I wanted to leave and maybe I blamed you for being the reason that I couldn’t, but you were never the reason Joe. The truth is maybe I just wasn’t ready to go…not yet… and I want to ask for your forgiveness…and I hope that we haven’t gone so far that my little brother can’t find it in his heart to forgive his very stupid and insensitive older brother,”

He looked at Joe who looked like he understood…even a small spark that he was willing to forgive, but for Joe that was the easy part. It was only what he would have said to Adam if he hadn’t overheard him. Adam’s words to his mother were what Joe couldn’t forgive.

Adam knew it and he was anxious to put that part straight while he still had the chance… “But Joe, what I can’t apologise for…because it didn’t happen, was what you thought you heard me saying to your mother.”

He knew he had to persevere quickly because he could sense Joe’s hackles rising without even looking at him.

For someone that had looked defeated Joe had suddenly found new fire, but before Joe could really react Adam continued knowing he only had seconds to get through.

“What you heard Joe, I admit I said…I was venting some frustration, but if you’d have stayed around you’d have heard it all…to hear me tell Marie that even though we fought so much…that I loved you Joe… That she had a son she should be proud of, that pa had every right to be proud of. And I told her that I wished I could find a way through our barriers Joe, to tell you that much myself….”

He stopped speaking to look his brother straight in the eyes. To see if he understood and that he believed him.
The last months had been hard on Adam but the last hours had been worse. His customary reserve was gone, he had felt so much pride in watching Joe over the years and to have his little brother turn on him had struck straight at his heart. Having him hear him out was paramount and he suddenly felt long held back tears burning his eyes. Adam’s normal instinct would be to bow his head or turn away and hide them, but he didn’t. And he let his little brother see his tears.

The effect on Joe was like a thunderstrike. Joe had been so ready to fight again when Adam at first seemed to deny the words Joe knew that he’d heard. Adam hadn’t given him the chance though and the last words Adam had spoken and the tears in his brother’s eyes had thrown Joe. He took a step back almost stumbling as he did.

Adam put an arm out to stop him from falling.

Joe couldn’t believe he had got it so wrong. He didn’t lie but neither did Adam. He didn’t question the truth of Adam’s words, just how he could ever have believed what he did about him.
.
He tried to say something, “Adam I…. I…. I’m sorry…I didn’t want to believe it but I heard you…. I didn’t understand…. but all those weeks before, I’d seen it in your eyes every time you looked at me Adam…something…disapproval…I don’t know….”

Adam wanted to help him, he hadn’t wanted him to feel guilt… just to listen…and he knew at last that his brother had heard him.

“I know Joe, what you were seeing was my confusion and my anger and for reasons that really don’t make any sense I was directing it partly at you… I never should have done that… I was too ready to be angry at you for all sorts of reasons,” and he was pleased to see a slight flicker of a smile cross Joe’s face as he added, but kindly,

“And lets face it buddy, you give me more reasons than anyone else so I guess I got plenty of chances to get tetchy at you for being, ‘ornery, for being cocky, for being late but maybe most of all for being able to shrug things off when I just couldn’t Joe.”

Joe was trying hard to take in what his brother was saying but his emotions were still high, he looked Adam straight in the eye as he answered him, “But it doesn’t mean I feel it any less Adam.”

Adam knew that, but he wondered if he did make light of his brother’s feelings just because they always seemed so much closer to the surface than his own, he hoped not.

“I know that Joe, I think we just deal with it differently and I’m sorry we let it get so far that you could ever have believed I’d think what you did of me…”

Adam hadn’t once let go of his fragile hold on his brother but now he held onto him tighter.

“Buddy I think we both got each other wrong…but maybe in a way we needed this…and I’m hoping more than anything else Joe that we understand each other again. I really would prefer you stay just as ‘ornery and cocky as you are… although I’m not saying you couldn’t improve your timekeeping,”… he still had an arm on Joe and held his eye contact to be sure he didn’t move away,

“Heck I have to have someone to complain about don’t I?” Adam gently squeezed his brother’s arm, “Joe can you forgive me for it all?”

Joe had already done it though as he said, “If you can forgive me for getting it so wrong…and Adam I don’t want you to go either…”

Adam, normally the less tactile of the two, grabbed his brother gently around the neck and pulled him towards him. Joe unsure for a split second and then suddenly sure returned the action, embracing his brother back.

And that’s how they were when Ben and Hoss appeared.

They rode back together, but while Ben and Hoss went quietly indoors, Joe and Adam settled comfortably on the porch. They wanted to talk.

Adam had noticed Joe’s knuckles and how sore they looked and he asked Joe to wait while he got straight back up and went inside to fetch some things to clean them up with.

When Adam had gone, Joe sat back wearily on the porch step wiping the sweat from his brow with the back of his wrist. He was careful to avoid his sore knuckles as the blood still oozed slightly from the grazes. As tired as he had been he felt good, something that he had been afraid was dying in him had flickered anew, if he had to he could take on the world again.

When Adam got inside he went straight to the kitchen, only to find his father emerging with a bowl of water and a cloth over his arm. Adam spotted Hoss over his shoulder helping Hop Sing fix some sandwiches.

As Ben continued to take the bowl outside to tend to his youngest, Adam put a hand out to stop him.

“Pa, do you mind if I do it? I feel responsible.”

Ben hesitated for a second, he had wanted to spend a little time with Joe before he left him and Adam to talk. Tonight’s events had shocked him, he’d seen two of his sons come to blows and he’d so nearly lost his youngest. He just needed some extra reassurance that everything was really okay again. But even so he stepped back and handed Adam the bowl.

“Sure Adam, of course.”

“Thanks pa.”

Ben wandered back to the kitchen to check on the progress of the food while Adam went back outside. He saw Joe still sitting with his eyes closed and his head resting back against the wooden post.

He set the bowl down beside him and the noise alerted Joe that he was back and he opened his eyes and calmly watched his brother.

After Adam had wrung out the cloth over the bowl he went to lift one of Joe’s injured hands.

“Here Joe, let me help you get those hands cleaned up.”

Joe resisted, ” No…it’s alright Adam, I’ve got it.”

Adam persevered patiently, ” Please Joe, just let me do it?” and Joe, seeing the determined look on Adam’s face, let his hand go slack.

The brothers said nothing as Adam carefully and thoroughly tended the wounds and then wrapped them in bandages, his head was bent concentrating on the task in hand and Joe watched him all the time, Adam didn’t look up but he knew it, hazy images of grazed knees, a bewildered little boy and an older brothers love flickered through both their minds.

When Adam had finished and wrapped the injured hands he looked up and Joe looked away a little self-consciously. His brother’s actions had stirred long forgotten memories in him.

He mumbled, ” I could have done it myself you know…but…um…thanks anyway.”

“I know you could Joe…but I wanted to.”

“I’m not sayin’ I don’t appreciate the help though.” Joe added.

“I know that too Joe…”

The awkward moment was interrupted when Ben came out and placed a tray of sandwiches and coffee between his two most obstinate sons. When he placed the plate down Adam smiled as he watched Ben search his youngest sons face and be rewarded with a smile of reassurance. It was a scene Adam had seen played out with each one of them whenever they’d been in trouble and it warmed his heart to watch it now. Ben really had thought he might’ve lost Joe tonight.

Ben cleared his throat as though the emotion was a little too much for him but then he said almost too quickly,

“Here, boys, I thought you could use some grub, thought I’d better save you some before Hoss ate them all. They are Hop Sing’s best Roast beef and horseradish.”

Adam smiled at his father, knowing what he was doing and Joe gave him a disarming grin well aware too of his father’s hopes and happy again to reassure him. Joe’s stomach growled at the thought of food, apart from one bite of a sandwich, he hadn’t eaten since breakfast.

“Thanks Pa. ” they both said in unison.

A voice came from the great room, “Course if there’s any leftovers you can send ‘em on back inside.”

Joe and Adam smiled at each other, “There won’t be Hoss…there won’t be.”

Ben retreated, he knew how important it was for Adam and Joe to spend some time now.

Adam and Joe ate hungrily.

“These are good,” Adam said between mouthfuls, uncharacteristically speaking with his mouth full.

“Sure are,” Joe agreed easily.

“How do your hands feel now Joe?”

“Better, thanks Adam.”

They were dancing around the subject, not wanting to dredge it up but at the same time anxious to clear it all up and have it over. They’d both said and done things that they regretted and they both needed to say it.
Adam broke the impasse first.

“You know Joe if I could take back a lot of the last three months I would…I made mistakes …I’m sorry…”

Joe went to stop his brother, “Adam I wish a lot of it hadn’t happened too, or it had happened different…I knew something was wrong but I never saw you like it with anyone else so I guess I thought it had to do with me, so instead of talking to you I stayed out of your way…Pa says we’re both too stubborn and mule headed to admit to each other if we’re wrong or…”

“Or to say how we feel about each other Joe? And I need to say that I’m sorry that I hurt you, my attitude, the way I’ve been…I guess I was pretty confused a lot of the time…and I can see now that you bore the brunt.”

The brother’s were looking at each other now, neither one looking away. Although he sometimes resented Adam’s self-assuredness and efficiency, Joe realised that he was reassured by it too. And that was unfair on his brother. He was seeing a new vulnerable side to his brother that must have always been there. Their positions in the family, their history of protector and protected making it hard for one to admit and the other to see.

Joe answered his brother, “And I’m sorry Adam that I never took the time to realise …all this time, what you must have been going through.”

So much of the damage done to their relationship was because they’d assumed they knew what the other was feeling, they’d left too much unsaid.

Joe remembered a forgotten incident, ” That day by the creek, I should’ve told you I’d cleared that ditch. I’m sorry, I nearly did, I should have and I guess I had no right to blame you when Pa let rip at me in front of the hands over me breaking that horse. There was only one person to blame for that and it wasn’t you.”

Joe was so obviously sorry, Adam held no anger over either incident anyhow and he remembered something he wished he’d said to his brother, ” It was a good ride Joe, I’m not sure that I told you that. I’ll talk to Pa and see if he’ll lighten up, maybe I can work with you more on the horse breaking and he’ll feel happier about it.”

The last thing Joe had expected was for Adam to praise that ride and his expression brightened as brilliantly and as gratifyingly as the sun returning unexpectedly from behind a cloud.

“Thanks Adam, I knew I shouldn’t have done it and I was prepared to face the consequences, I just didn’t expect it in front of all the hands is all.”

“Joe we both made some pretty big mistakes. I shouldn’t have jumped to conclusions when you were late that time. And you still owe me the full story about the dress shop, by the way, ” he smirked.

Joe cringed at the memory. “Oh don’t.” he groaned and it was Adam’s turn to look playful at Joe’s discomfort.

Joe explained, “Roy Coffee stops me every time I see him to remind me about it and now Doc Martin reckons he’s got one over me too on account of how he knows all about it, they both say they’ll tell Pa the whole story, I tell you Adam they’re pretty sneaky people for a doctor and a sheriff. Even worse than that, half them women from the afternoon ladies society wink at me when I go past them now.”

Joe’s tale of woe was getting funnier by the minute for Adam, but he clapped him on the shoulder and offered some help,

“Firstly Joe, I think you’ll find Pa already knows and secondly how about next time we’re in town we go for a drink and you can tell me the rest of it. You haven’t told me all about the peddler yet either.”

Much to Adam’s amusement, Joe had groaned a long heartfelt “Nooooo!” at the revelation that his father knew about it anyhow, but he had lifted his head at the invitation and answered simply, “Yeah we’ll do that Adam…” realising again just how far they’d drifted apart.

Joe shook his head, “How did we ever let it happen Adam?”

“A lot of reasons I suppose Joe, some we’ve already said but I think mainly we just stopped talking, maybe we were both too ready to misunderstand each other too.”

Joe asked him, “What you mean like we wanted to fight? ”

Adam scratched his head, “I don’t know Joe, but maybe without realising it, we did. We were both railing against something and you and I have always given each other more reasons than most to quarrel so maybe it was inevitable, we just let it get out of hand. I think most importantly, we stopped being honest with each other.’

Joe nodded, ” I guess we did start pussyfooting around each other, it doesn’t make a lot of sense now.”

“Nothing about the way I was feeling was logical Joe. I wanted you to be independent and yet part of me resented it when you were, or missed the old Joe. There were times I even resented Lassiter and your friendship…sometimes I saw you talking and thought that should be me and not him.”

“I missed you Adam even though you were right here, I was just plain scared half the time. You’ve always been so dependable…and that’s unfair Adam. It’s not right and I know I could’ve been a whole lot more responsible. I see it now. I just don’t know why I couldn’t before.”

“It’s called maturity Joe. And I guess I was rushing you into it.” And he didn’t need to add ‘like I had been.’

Once they’d started it was difficult for the brothers to stop.

Joe tried to explain to Adam just how he’d been feeling for so long, “I just wanted to get you to listen, to take my ideas seriously. Then when things got bad it felt like you were pickin’ on everything I did and I just never saw you like that with anyone else.”

Adam grinned and held his hands up, “Yeah I guess I did that Joe, but it was never to knock you down, but I can see it might have felt like it, guess tact never was my strong suit eh? Joe it was always to help you grow, to be the best that you could be. But then lately I have to admit I guess I wanted to hurry you along a bit because…..”

“Because of what happened in town…” Joe finished for him.

“Yes, Joe because of what happened in town. I’ve faced dieing before, we all have, but that was different. Those days and nights in the jail with Pa…those animals that made it happen… a town that turned it’s back.”

He stopped talking and looked up to see the quiet understanding etched on his young brothers face. In a way he realised Joe had been through it too, he’d had to watch while his family had faced hanging, he’d felt the frustration of a town that didn’t seem to give a damn. And in his young life Joe had also faced death.

He realised he never really spoke to Joe like this and he wondered why, looking at him now all he saw was warmth and true understanding. Adam had always been there for his little brother in the past and sensed very strongly how much Joe wanted to be there for him now. Had he been so set in his older brother role that he hadn’t allowed him to be?

Joe never said a word, he wanted to let Adam finish and in that moment there was a shift in their relationship. Adam was talking to Joe man to man, Joe knew he had Adam’s respect and he could accept all the rest so long as he had that.

The chat wandered to events of the last few months and by the end the brothers had a much better understanding of how the other had been feeling. Like Adam had said, it was as much the things left unsaid that had come between them as the things that were actually said.

Joe wanted to get something else off his chest. “That day in the barn, you talked to Hoss, I was there Adam, I heard it all. I climbed the ladder when I saw you comin’ over, I just wasn’t ready to talk to you. Our smart middle brother planned it, I didn’t want to eavesdrop but I’m kind of glad I did.”

Joe looked away, he’d felt guilty he’d heard Adam talking about him but he needn’t have worried.

“Joe, I didn’t say anything I wouldn’t have wanted you to hear believe me, ” and then he smiled, “Hoss is the smartest of all of us, I guess he knew it was the only way to get my stubborn young brother to hear me out, short of sittin’ on you.”

Joe rubbed his ribs ruefully, ” Seems to me you did that anyhow…”

Adam looked over but was happy to see that his brother was playacting the pain, “Joe I would have done anything to make you stay, I’m not saying you shouldn’t try things, but for the right reasons, not because you think you I don’t want you here.” Then he chuckled again,

“Joe I think there’s always going to be things with you and me that’ll start an argument.”

“Not if you don’t always pick on me there won’t,” Joe had picked up on his playful mood quickly and what started as gentle teasing very soon built into a friendly sparring match.

“Well little brother if you could just learn to take orders without always questioning them, once in a while…”

If there was one thing that Joe and Adam always had in common, it was that they were both extremely competitive, even down to a simple game of checkers. Before long their voices were rising, while Adam’s got louder and deeper, Joe’s got louder and higher. But this was different from before, this time they’d both pull in their horns if the need arose.

Adam’s last comment about taking orders had got to Joe, as Adam knew it would. Anyone listening might have worried things were starting up again, as their voices gradually rose and eventually they stood up and faced each other like a pair of duellists. Anyone who knew them and saw the humour in their eyes knew that Adam and Joe were being just that, Adam and Joe again.

“Yeah but you just always gotta criticize don’t you?” Joe countered, he was going to enjoy this…they were off and before long their voices were raised even higher and out came every pent up grievance that had ever existed and some that hadn’t!

“You always expect the worst like you want me to fail..”

Adam responded with, “You can’t just do as I ask you, even if you know it’s the right way to do it…”

Then it was Joe’s turn, “You issue orders, you don’t ask…you hardly ever say, ‘Good job Joe…you don’t hear out my arguments..”

“You’re always the last at the table…”

“Not always I’m not!” Joe contradicted.”

“Alright little brother, you’re always last at the table except on Christmas morning and birthdays,”

“That’s more like it… alright then…what about when you treat me like a kid and I’m eighteen…you haul me out of The Bucket of Blood in front of my friends…”

It was true Adam had done that, but he flew back with,

“You always take the last apple in the fruit bowl without asking if anyone else wants one…”
That one surprised Joe, he wasn’t aware he did that. He could see Adam was enjoying this just as much as he was, but Joe was determined to outfox him, he was quite sure he had the longest list of injustice’s and he’d still be listing them long after his brother had surrendered. There had to be some advantages to being the youngest and righteous indignation sure ought to be one of them.

It was Joe’s turn again and he shot back, enjoying what was now a fully-fledged competition. In actual fact he hadn’t been quite as smart as Adam this time, he’d ended up using all his best main grievances straight off and then he went and used three at once, he was that sure of himself.

“You pick on the way I talk all the time…you’re big headed,” and he fired with both barrels, ” and you think you know it all!…” Joe knew he was exaggerating here but he was running out of ammunition, besides he was sure he wasn’t the only one who took the last apple from the bowl, he knew he’d seen Hoss do it.

Adam felt a checkmate coming on so he merely parried with,

“Well if we’re talking faults here, you do speak with your mouth full.” And he smiled like a Cheshire cat knowing Joe would be struggling now.

When the worst things were said they still somehow found some more.

“Yeah well I may do that,” Joe agreed, he’d been told often enough, “but you should try bein’ me when I hear your slippers flop down the corridor headin’ to my room. I just know you’re gonna come in and give me some grief.”

Even as he said it Joe realised just how lame that sounded. The words seemed to float in mid air suspended between them and they just stared reliving what Joe had just said.

Adam was first to break the silence, after he’d mentally added, ‘you never wear your slippers round the house’ to his list.

Maintaining an admirably straight face he asked politely, ” Uh-uh, and that annoys you does it buddy?”

Joe was trying to save face now, the truth was he’d run out of genuine grievances a long time ago but he wasn’t ready to stop yet, he was scraping the bottom of the barrel now as legitimate sibling grievances were concerned and he knew it. Where did he go wrong? He should have had this in the bag. Joe being Joe though, he couldn’t back down so he just nodded once, not quite trusting himself to speak.

“Well Joe, I’ll obviously have to try and do something about that.” Adam added helpfully.

“Yeah.. well you’d better!” said Joe now completely out of steam and arguments too. Yes, Adam had been smarter, Joe had definitely peaked too early.

Adam looking relaxed, responded with, “You sling your jacket over the chair and have to be reminded to hang it on the peg,” This was too easy.

Joe racked his brain and suddenly thought of another one and looked momentarily triumphant as he stood there hands on hips and looking very smug, “And you always have your nose in a book.”

Adam looked smug back, “And that’s a fault? Ok then, you are a pain to get up in the morning,”

Adam knew he had him, he still had riding full tilt into the yard even though it upsets Pa, slamming the door, running off with actresses into town up his sleeve and he hadn’t even broken into a sweat. He wondered how his brother ever won a hand at poker as he watched him struggle to come up with something but suddenly Joe broke into a grin again and could hardly contain it as he pointed an accusing finger.

“Go on then, hit me with your best shot little brother,” Adam encouraged him, hoping it wasn’t anything too awful.

“Ok, right you asked for it…you do that thing.” Joe informed him.

“What thing?” Adam enquired.

“You know…that thing.” Joe clarified.

Adam looked mystified, “No I don’t, tell me.”

“You raise your eyebrows in that really high and mighty way you’ve got!” said Joe as accusatorily and loudly as he could muster and he stood back looking triumphant.

Adam looked shocked… “I what?”

” You know, you do that thing with your face and you raise your eyebrows. You do it all the time Adam.” Joe added with a flourish.

Even as he repeated the crime, Joe realised once again just how stupid he sounded. Adam just looked amused as he pondered his reply finding it much harder to keep his face straight now.

“Mmmm, ” and he rubbed his chin thoughtfully, ” I raise my eyebrows in a really superior way?” he repeated for emphasis, ” and he caught his brothers eye aware that they were both now holding back a dam that was about to burst.

Adam played his trump card, “It’s no good Joe I don’t know what you mean, you’ll have to show me.”

Joe couldn’t possibly back down now but he really wished he’d never said it, “Alright brother, it’s sorta like this Adam.” and Adam stood back and enjoyed the show.

Joe tried his best but he couldn’t get his eyebrows to do superior quite like his brother did and besides it just didn’t work when you were trying hard not to laugh at the same time.

“Oh I see.” Adam was trying now too, to keep up his gruff façade. “And that gets on your nerves too does it little brother?”

“Well yes as a matter of a fact it does older brother. ” Joe just about managed to reassume his gruff demeanour.

Adam merely raised his eyebrows laconically looked very superior indeed and stated, “Well I better make sure I never do that again.”

And the dam burst, it started as a smile, grew to a wide smirk and erupted as a laugh…and man how they laughed. They laughed so hard their sides ached…. once Joe started he couldn’t stop because the sight of Adam laughing so hard was the funniest thing he’d seen in ages, he was helpless and he couldn’t stop. Through his tears Adam was tempted to pick him up and dump him in the water trough but he somehow resisted, this time.

Before they knew it they were side by side again enjoying a fresh coffee, made by Adam. Joe had offered but Adam had politely declined,

“Thanks buddy but you can add that to your list too, bad coffee.”

Joe frowned, “Cochise likes it.”

“Figures.” said Adam. ” Hey what say we get something a little stronger, wait there a minute,” It was a beautiful balmy evening so Adam went inside to grab a couple of glasses and a bottle.
Ben and Hoss had run through from their positions in the great room into the kitchen to peak through the window when they’d first heard raised voices outside, but they’d soon realised the boys were just funning and they’d relaxed again. Adam managed to grab the brandy decanter and he fetched two glasses and for some reason that he couldn’t have explained, when his father and Hoss emerged from the kitchen, he found himself holding the decanter out of sight behind him. He knew his father wouldn’t really mind but it was more fun this way. He nodded at his father before heading back to the porch and placing the decanter and glasses by an amused Joe.

“I’ll be right back, ” Adam promised him.

Adam headed back inside to fetch a couple of blankets and pillows for when it got colder and he wanted something else he’d almost forgotten about. His father and Hoss watched it all. When Adam got upstairs to his room he grabbed a couple of blankets from on top of his dresser and pulled down with them the package he had wanted. It was the book of poems he’d bought in Placerville and never opened. But that wasn’t what he was after. He carefully undid the string and pulled back the wrapping to reveal the leather bound book inside. He smiled when he saw beneath it the dime novel he’d included for his brother. He’d been pleased when he had found it. It was a replacement for a well-loved volume his brother had lost when he was still at school. Joe could have almost recited that book line for line. In school breaks he, Seth, Mitch and Sarah had played it all out over and over. He’d been really upset when he’d lost it, most likely it had fallen out of his pocket and had rotted away somewhere on the Ponderosa.

When Adam had spied the copy on his visit he’d thought it was the perfect apology to give to Joe after he’d judged him too harshly over his ill-fated trip into town. He’d cringed a little at the title,

‘Deadwood Dick’s Doom.’

and he nearly curled up at the text:

“Oh, spare me-spare me, Sir! Oh, my God! is there no one here to help me?” the poor girl sobbed.
“Nary a durned galoot, my gal!” Piute Dave declared, with a triumphant chuckle. “As I allowed, before, I’m boss o’ this burg, an’ thar’s not a man hyar as durst lift a hand to help ye, when I’m around.”
“You lie, you brute! and if you but lay a hand on that girl I’ll bore a hole in your thick skull!” a voice suddenly cried.

The owner of the voice was Deadwood Dick! While Paiute Dave was speaking, he had quietly slipped into the room, and now stood mounted upon a chair, but a few paces in the former’s rear, with a pair of cocked 32’s in his grasp.”

Adam groaned inside and fought an urge to put it back under a pile of novels but he resisted and instead did the right thing, muttering, ‘Only for you little buddy, you better appreciate this!’

But when Adam had returned home they’d had some serious issues to deal with and then everything had gone haywire when he and his father had been arrested. Adam could think about that time now without the over powering gloominess that seemed to have invaded his thoughts for so long.

It wasn’t only one thing that had changed for him, there were many factors; time, his own strength of character, the land around him, camaraderie with Hoss, being with his father, the visit from John, the fear of losing but then making friends again with his youngest brother had all contributed to Adam seeing his life again with renewed optimism. It wasn’t about men like Hawkins, for a while he’d let it be, but that was over.

He pushed the dime novel into his back pocket to surprise Joe with and he went to place the poetry book by his bed for later. He couldn’t resist letting his thumb slip inside the book and it opened up at a poem Lord Byron,

To think of every early scene,
Of what we are, and what we’ve been,
Would whelm some softer hearts with woe—
But mine, alas! has stood the blow;
Yet still beats on as it begun,
And never truly loves but one.

And who that dear lov’d one may be,
Is not for vulgar eyes to see;
And why that early love was cross’d,
Thou know’st the best, I feel the most;
But few that dwell beneath the sun
Have loved so long, and loved but one.

I’ve tried another’s fetters too,
With charms perchance as fair to view;
And I would fain have loved as well,
But some unconquerable spell
Forbade my bleeding breast to own
A kindred care for aught but one.

He didn’t know the poem but eagerly anticipated getting acquainted with it in time, he guessed Byron had been mourning a lost love but to Adam ‘the one’ was his family. He placed the book by his bed, grabbed the blankets and pillows and headed back down.

Ben and Hoss looked up when he appeared almost bounding down the stairs, they were happy that everything seemed to be ok again, although they hoped to get confirmation of that from Adam. When they looked up they were rewarded with a knowing grin.

Adam knew what they wanted so he put any doubts they might have had to rest, “It’s ok we’re not going to kill each other…” and they visibly relaxed just as Adam headed back outside with a parting shot… “Not tonight anyway.”

And their heads shot back up just in time to catch the mischievous grin on Adam’s face.

When he was back outside he found Joe had poured a couple of very large brandies and he was inspecting the grazes on his knuckles. Adam checked them over too despite a frown from Joe and then continued as though they’d never left off.

“I think we needed that Joe.”

“I don’t know about you Adam but I think I bust something inside laughing so much, but yeah I guess we did. ”

“But Joe, I want you to promise me, next time we’ll talk, whatever it is, however silly it seems, man to man we’ll talk, is that a deal?”

Joe looked seriously at his brother! “Like we always used to huh?”

Adam nodded, “Yeah like we always used to.”

Adam pulled the dime novel from his back pocket and handed it to Joe.
He was pleased when he saw Joe’s eyes light up immediately in recognition.

Joe flicked through the pages eagerly stopping at familiar pictures and mouthing the words. ‘You lie, you brute! and if you but lay a hand on that girl I’ll bore a hole in your thick skull!’

He pulled himself away to ask, “Wherever did you get this?” he’d long since gone past dime novels but this one had been a good friend.

Adam smiled warmly, “I brought it back from Placerville, by way of an apology for jumping on you that night.”

Joe remembered and grinned his thanks, ” Thanks Adam, thanks a lot, I won’t lose it this time I promise.”

Joe sipped his drink and immediately screwed up his nose. He really wasn’t that keen on brandy, it reminded him too much of a few times he’d been given it for medicinal purposes. He could see though, that his brother relished the flavour so he persevered with the drink. Joe wasn’t really a sipper when it came to drinks, he enjoyed a beer, something you could glug. But the more he sipped, Joe found the brandy was going down smoothly and it left a warm glow inside him.

The brothers had sat on quietly in silence for a little while until Joe broke into it, “It’s funny all that stuff just now, well, before it all mattered so much, but now, well now it don’t really mean nuthin’ ”

He saw the look on Adam’s face change as he almost winced, he’d seen that look a lot before on Adam and on Abigail Jones, it was definitely a schoolteacher look . He realised then what he’d said wrong, he’d been told enough times but give Adam his due, he was trying hard not to say it, he had just been told off for forever correcting his brothers grammar after all.

Joe could see it was actually paining Adam not to say it and he toyed with making him sweat but then he decided instead to put him out of his misery. “I know, I know Adam if I say it don’t mean nuthin’ then I’m really sayin’ it has to mean something. It’s a double whatever you professor types like to call it.” Joe was laughing at his brother’s comical expression and his relief at having Joe’s grammar self-corrected.

” It’s a double negative… so you do listen!”

“I listen a lot more than you think Adam,” said Joe seriously.

It was obvious Joe was thinking about saying something. After a prolonged period of thought he said very deliberately,

“Adam I think maybe I… well with you…sometimes I don’t tell you…Adam I really do know…that is…what I’m trying to say is…I really do appreciate everything that you sacrificed of your growin’ up to help me and Hoss, but mostly me ..and..well…I do love you Adam and I know I have more to thank you for than I can ever say…and I think I only get tetchy because I want you to trust me and respect me. I know I screw up occasionally, and I know you think sometimes… I can be irresponsible,” Adam looked like he might interrupt but then he thought better of it and he let Joe continue, “And maybe I am and maybe I do…sometimes… but Adam if it means losing my ‘wilder ways’, as you and Pa call ‘em, sooner than I’d choose, then for the sake of our family and for you I will do it, honestly I will.”

There he’d said it, it was a struggle but he’d said it, he never could have a month ago, not to Adam anyhow.

It was odd for so long Adam had thought he had needed to get away from here, but now hearing and feeling the earnestness exuding from every pore of his little brother, he really didn’t want to be anywhere but sitting outside the Ponderosa sharing an illicit bottle of his father’s brandy with him. He was happy in the knowledge that his Pa and Hoss would be inside waiting for them come morning. Mr cool and level-headed had spent so long searching only to find all he needed right where he was. One day he would travel but not yet.

He shook his head, but he’d been touched by his brothers words, “No Joe your ‘wilder ways’ might send be prematurely grey like Pa, but so long as you promise not to start any Indian wars by kissing Princess Sarah again I’d prefer you stay as you are, if its all the same with you.”

He smiled at Joe and Joe reassured him that Princess Sarah was promised so that was no longer an option, he couldn’t resist reminding Adam that she had a younger sister though.

Adam hadn’t felt quite so carefree in a long time, the two continued to talk and reminisce long into the night. Deep inside they’d always known they loved each other, whatever had happened they would always have stepped in for each other, but they remembered this night that they liked each other pretty much too.

Adam couldn’t help but smirk as he remembered something about the events that his brother might have missed.

“You know in the barn Joe, when Selina came in?”

Joe looked wary, “I’m not likely to forget that in a hurry Adam, yeah what about it?”

“Well there’s someone else who won’t forget it in a hurry either…did you know Pa was at the back of the barn the whole time?”

The colour drained from Joe’s face and he went as white as a sheet, “Tell me you’re jokin’ Adam…” but he could see that he wasn’t.

“Pa was there? The whole time?” Joe needed absolute verification.

Adam looked a little pained on his brother’s behalf, “You OK Joe?”

Joe had buried his face in his hands. “Not really, would you be?” He was just imagining his worst nightmare.

Adam tried to help, ” Hey Joe, it’s not so bad…”

Joe wasn’t convinced and as often happened with Joe his voice got higher as he got more agitated,

“It’s not?! Adam as invitations go that was pretty hard to resist, it don’t bare thinking about…what if…” and he gulped remembering just how mentally strong he’d had to be. ” Brother that thought alone is going to keep me in nightmares for years to come…I may never want to be alone with a woman as long as I live, I’ll be too worried Pa is there…is there anything Pa doesn’t know about me?”

Poor Joe looked stricken at the thought.

Adam laughed; his brother was being very dramatic. “Probably not Joe, but the point is you did resist little brother and you were very gallant besides, I am very proud of you and Pa was too, he told me and I don’t believe for one minute that a little thing like that will put you off women for very long.”

Joe giggled his silly giggle but he’d glowed inside when Adam had told him he was proud of him, he always did. He thought back to some women he’d loved and lost.

“Hey Adam, tell me the truth, I know you were mad about me heading after Lotta that time, but really, for an evening with her, at my age, you’d have done the same? I know you would have.”

Adam had to watch his step here, Lotta had been captivating and that kiss they’d shared, it was hard to regret any course of action that could have that ended like that. But relaxed as he was he couldn’t let on to Joe.

“Joe I think I’d have tried some other way to reach the same conclusion that didn’t include risking my neck,” he remembered Lotta in his arms, “she was beautiful though.”

On that they were agreed, “I reckon she preferred older men though, ” said Joe regretfully.

Adam smiled again remembering her kiss, “I think you’re right…still you can’t win them all and a meal, a show and a dance I’d say you did pretty well little brother. How are things between you and Allie anyhow Joe?” Adam asked genuinely interested.

Joe looked at his boots for a moment and wondered whether to confide what had been on his mind a lot lately. He hadn’t told anyone yet. Then he went ahead and confided in his older brother.

“Um… she…it looks like she’s goin’ away Adam, her Pa, well his back has got a lot worse, he doesn’t want to because they were starting to get settled here, I know Allie wants to stay but she knows it’s for the best for her pa that they return to Denver.”

Adam felt for Joe, he knew he liked Allie a lot, she was a great girl. “I’m really sorry to hear that Joe.”

“Thanks Adam, her Pa really needs her with him, but I’ll miss her.” That was an understatement and Adam knew it.

“And Suzie? You know she sent me after you Joe, told me I had to talk to you, she was afraid you were going to leave.”

Joe looked surprised, then he grinned, thinking about Suzie always did that and he couldn’t really get mad at her. ” She did huh? Outside of you guys, Suzie’s my best friend Adam.”

Adam studied Joe and wondered whether he should tell Joe that it was as plain as day that she was in love with him. He thought maybe he’d better not, at least not yet, it was for Suzie to tell him and Joe was with Allie, at least for now.

He poured them some more brandy and they sat back easily.

Adam remembered Lassiter, “So do you think he’ll take the job in Stillwater Joe?”

Joe nodded, “Yeah I reckon he will, it’s a good opportunity and I think Sally’ll go with him, I think they’ll be very happy. I thought once he’s settled I’d ride over for a visit.”

“Would you mind if I came along, if it’s alright with Pa, I’d kind of like to see how they settle in too.”

Joe looked across at Adam a little surprised, he knew Adam liked Lassiter but he wasn’t so sure how things stood with him and Sally.

He smiled warmly as he answered, “Yeah I’d like that Adam.”

Adam settled comfortably back again.

“Then it’s settled.”

Inside the house Hop Sing had roused himself, the sound of his pans clattering in the kitchen would soon alert the brothers to the new dawn. Meanwhile they were still oblivious to the time of day as they sleepily talked on.

“Adam…you’re doin’ it again.”

“What?”

“That face.”

“Guess we’re just going to have to learn to live with each others faults then buddy.”

“I guess so, Adam,” said Joe before adding… “You still got more than me though, I just should have spread ‘em out more.”

Adam grinned, Joe was always a quick learner, that particular argument wouldn’t be so easy next time.

He was about to defend himself again when he saw the mischief written all over Joe’s face.

“Maybe I have at that,” he conceded instead. Adam was smart too and knew when a tactical withdrawal was a good thing.

Joe hadn’t given up yet, “You want me to list them again?” he was laughing now realising his brother wasn’t about to be drawn in.

“No thank you younger brother, once was enough,” Adam was grinning now too.

“You know when I said you were big-headed Adam?” Joe said, suddenly seeming serious again.

“Ye-es?” said Adam very slowly and cautiously, knowing full well something was coming.

Joe didn’t disappoint, “Well it didn’t mean nuthin’ ”

Adam looked across, narrowed his eyes, then leaned back and rolled his eyes skywards and gave up trying to figure it…. “Now I’m confused.”

“Good,” said Joe as he sat back, deliberately tilting his hat over his face to conceal a smug grin and an ever so slight raising of one eyebrow, he’d been practising all night.

The end.