Summary:  What was Adam thinking as not only Bill Enders challenged his story, but his family, friends, and townspeople all doubted his version of events leading up to Toby being murdered? A companion piece for the episode, it makes sense only if you are familiar with The Ride.
Rating: PG  Word count: 2,105

The Ride and Thoughts

At the way station after the robbery:

Toby is dead. Why did he have to run after those men with his gun? It couldn’t be a much worse day now could it. Toby, almost like a grandfather to us when we visited with him, is gone, and I still have his blood stains on my clothing. How can I ride home to tell my family that and tell them I did nothing to stop him being killed? All I could do was offer some small comfort as he lay dying.

Worse, how do I say I know who did it, and know it’s a friend of mine. He isn’t a close friend, but we have done business together, shared meals, and I have been a guest in his house. Still, Bill Enders has to pay for this. Justice has to be done, and I don’t care who fights me on it because I know they will. He’s a well-known man, a businessman, an investor. People aren’t probably going to be willing to listen to me when I say he’s a thief and a murderer too.

Damn, how can I face Bill’s wife and say these things? She’s a good and kind woman. I can already know the pain it will cause her and I’ll see it in her face, but I have to do it.

For Toby, I must push this issue until people believe me or I die trying. This is a debt of honor and friendship as well as a test I have to face. If I don’t do this, I won’t be able to face myself in the mirror in the mornings, but I have no illusions about this. I know it will be difficult and that Bill may kill me. I know how to use a gun and I’m faster than most, but I’m not faster than Bill. If he’s able to push me to it, he’ll win. That doesn’t matter. It has to be done.

*****

At home in his bedroom after being questioned relentlessly by his father:

Maybe I should have expected this response, but I never imagined it would be my father who gave me such a difficult time about accusing Bill Enders. I expected Roy to question me. That’s his job. But even after I gave my father all my reasons and my thoughts, I could see his doubts. I would have thought I had earned his trust by now. The inquisition he put me through was as bad as facing a prosecutor. By the time he finished, he had made me feel like he had the impression I was doing something wrong, and maybe that is the conclusion he has drawn. That is what bothers me more than anything.

I’m feeling more alone than a man ought to feel who lives with his family. My brothers said nothing. I couldn’t read their expressions either. It’s not a good feeling to be that lone pinon fighting the zephyr winds on the ridgeline. I hope I’m up to the task because Toby is dead, and someone has to fight to get justice for him. It’s all there is now. I only wish I didn’t feel like I was seen as jousting at windmills while those around me think me a fool.

*****

At home again after being challenged to a gunfight by Bill Enders and refusing to fight:

Sleep is elusive as all I see are Toby’s accusing eyes when I close my own. I know he didn’t understand why I didn’t run after those two men trying to shoot them as he did. He thought I was a coward for not fighting back and not chasing after those armed men. I knew I didn’t have to do that because I had recognized Bill as one of the outlaws. Sleep is getting tougher and tougher to get for other reasons too. Sheriff Coffee didn’t want to believe me either. When Bill managed an alibi and then challenged me to fight, Hoss and Pa both doubted my courage when I wouldn’t fight him. They don’t understand that if he kills me, he gets away with killing Toby and that innocent man in jail will hang as well for the crime that Bill committed. That would be three deaths that Bill caused if I let him win. For me though, the lack of trust by my family and my friends is the worst pain I can endure. The wounds from this will take a long time to heal if they ever will. How do you heal a broken trust?

*****

After the rider failed to make the ride from the station to town in the allotted time:

I had some hope of familial support when my family didn’t object much about a skilled rider making the ride from the station to town to see if he could do it fast enough to derail Bill’s alibi. It all seemed like it was going well until the rider didn’t get the job done fast enough. My family, especially my father, wanted me to give up what my father and Roy consider my foolishness. Oh, neither of them used that word but I could read it in the way my father looked just as easily as the more obvious expressions that Roy uses. When I said that I wasn’t giving up and would find a way to prove it was Bill who murdered Toby, the look of disgust was there too. Pa showed me his watch as if I didn’t know how to use one and looked at me as if I was a recalcitrant child. I knew he wanted to deal with me as he would have if I was that child. I tire of this type of treatment, but first, I need to get justice for Toby. Right now, he’s the one who matters most. Later, I’ll deal with a father who cannot see me as a man.

*****

After the ride with Hoss to check out the trail from the station to town:

Early on, Hoss let me down in this fight, and I didn’t have that big shoulder to lean on. But when my quest for justice began looking almost futile, he came around and was there as I hoped he would be. We found that there might be a way to do what seems impossible, and therefore I’m going to try. I’m sure it is possible for someone to make that ride. Makes me smile when I think about telling Hoss that because he didn’t even blink. That’s the brother I count on, which is what I needed because I wasn’t so sure myself even when I said I would do it.

Then Bill’s wife tried to seduce me in order to get me to stop trying to prove him guilty. Now that was what I needed. That’s proof right there even if no one could use it in court to prove guilt beyond a reasonable doubt. Trying to get me to fall for that ploy was too obvious an admission that he had done it and was getting desperate to get me to stop trying to prove it. So I have to make that ride and do it fast. That won’t be easy, but it’s a lot easier than succumbing to her charms especially when I knew what she wanted. All I had to do to have her was give her my integrity and my reputation. No, Toby was dead, and I needed to get justice for that man. Mary’s efforts to seduce me were proof of Bill’s guilt. No innocent man would have his wife do such a thing.

*****

After Mary Enders accused Adam of inappropriate behavior:

When Sheriff Coffee didn’t want to believe that it was Bill Enders who killed Toby, I suppose I could understand that. Bill is an upstanding citizen by all appearances with a wife, a business, and substantial investments. Roy did arrest him, but released him as soon as two women came forward with a story that could be an alibi. I could still see why Roy let him go then and why he pressured me to give up my quest for justice.

But I cannot express the pain I felt when Roy believed that I would try something with Bill’s wife no matter what she said. I know she’s attractive, but Roy has known me for such a long time, I thought he would have known I couldn’t do such a thing.

Something like this tests friendships. I’m beginning to wonder if I have any.

*****

After riding into town in the allotted time only to find Bill was arrested:

I made that ride, but I feel cheated. All that work and I had a fall that could have hurt me severely, but it seems like it was for nothing. Well, not for nothing at all because I found that my brother Joe can be a rock when you really need him. Although I don’t know when he came around to my way of thinking or if he actually had, but he was steady at the end. I’m not used to leaning on him, but I’m seeing him in a new way now. Hearing a cheer from him bolstered me when I needed it most too.

However, I got to town, and Bill was already shot and in custody. Mary had told the truth, and Roy was at the Doc’s office.

I wanted to ride in and show everyone I was right, but instead they already knew it and walked off to their homes with some embarrassed looks perhaps but no acknowledgement of what I had done. Was looking at me so difficult because I reminded them that they had been fooled so completely by Bill? Of course, they had not trusted me despite all the reasons they should have believed me. They had reasons to hang their heads.

I suppose I should be grateful, because even though Toby is dead, I did this for him, and the man who killed him will face the penalty for that. I can’t help the righteous indignation I felt though even if I did my best not to show it.

*****

At the end:

When it was over, Pa told me that it was a good ride all the way and that it took courage to hold onto my convictions. I don’t think he understands that he was the one who made it the most difficult. His lack of faith in me and lack of trust in my judgment were the hardest to face in all of this. His story seems to be that he was testing my conviction to see if it was strong enough to withstand the challenges I would face. To me, it rings hollow because I thought he knew me better than that. I don’t take a stand unless I have just cause. I don’t accuse someone of a crime without believing what I say.

I know my brothers stood by me at the end. But should a brother have to endure so much and work so hard to get the help he needs from those whose trust and love he should have. I’ve backed up my brothers with far less than I gave them here. Oh, I know I can be snarky in what I say or even pompous, but that’s my frustration and impatience with brothers who are six and twelve years younger than I am. I forget too often that they don’t have the experience and the knowledge I have, and that’s on me. But they know I’ve got their back when they need it. The problem for me now is that I won’t know the next time if they will be there for me or not. It’s a lonely feeling to have.

I hope I can get by these feelings I have, but a few kind words and a slap on the back don’t take the sting away at all. I’ll be looking at people with a bit more of a jaundiced eye now holding back more of how I feel and what I think. I’ve got my mask in place already so I doubt they suspect my innermost thoughts. I can’t completely trust even those closest to me, and I’m not sure what I did to get myself into this predicament. I got justice for Toby Barker, but at what cost? The ride that brought that for Toby may be the beginning of a journey for me. In many ways, I’m already leaving even though I’m still living here.

Tags:  Adam Cartwright, Angst