No matter the time or the space my brother is part of me forever.  Many years have passed and I can still envision the early years of being together.  We were definitely different in our likes but there was always closeness like a river to the riverbed, the sun to the moon, night to day.Time has passed but the joy has lasted far beyond the season of memories one would think would diminish as the extinguishing of a candle.  We grew and thought we’d always be the same as we prepared our lives for unforeseen circumstances.

I enjoyed the days we spent until without the blinking of an eye I realized without doubt that my life would never be the same.  Without ever knowing how it snuck in like a thief in the night, my life became a smoldering of embers of loss that resembled hillsides once filled with lush trees and valleys of wildflowers that became smoldering ashes.  Time has passed and the ashes are now cold but still very real.

I remember vividly my feelings on the day I realized I lost my brother, my friend, my ally, my confidant from our earthly walk together.  It’s taken time for this fog of reality to settle in – but it has.  It has, but not without the pain of seeing him in the simplest of things.  Each day brought a new pain and thus was my life for many a season.

Life brings with it the unexpected – and the unexpected happens as we move on and least expect it.  Without knowing when or why, I was able to find joy once again living each day with the absence of my brother.  As I sit here in the comfort of this chair next to the hearth, I realize that was a moment and a sign of renewal that has become part of me.

I look around at the vast pines and mountains knowing I’ve been given a spark of life that has only grown.  My days now are filled with life and greater understanding of its measure … of purpose and meaning.  I feel the tug of the past but refuse to be pulled back into a time and place that cannot support what life has given me.

I am whole again and can appreciate the lessons that I’ve learned.  From this experience I’ve received gifts of friendship, books, music, nature and healing.  I no longer fear a life of suffering that I would have avoided at all costs.  The tears of the past have dried and I now can enjoy the smiles of those who surround me.  There are times the memory of that loss returns but the heaviness has lifted.  And so it is these twenty years later.

Life’s lessons can be hard at times but have a purpose.  I’m sorry that Adam, Hoss and Joe will never know their uncle and my brother the way I did.  He would have been proud of my sons – his nephews.