Summary:  Little Joe learns that opening a locked box can release troubles and cause all manner of problems.
Rating:  PG  (4,840 words)

Pandora’s Box

             Trust old Adam to assign all the rotten chores to me.  Pa is away in Carson City for a few days and older brother is making like he is some kind of tyrant.  Course he and Hoss drew the chore of going into town to get the winter supplies and I was the one who had to tidy the storeroom to make space for them.  Don’t know why I had to be born the youngest?

            Pa and Hop Sing sure do hang on to a lot of old truck that we’ll never need again.  Oh well, I’ll do one more shelf and then stop for lunch.  I am almost half done.  Hey, what’s this, a small, carved box with the initials M.O. ain’t no one in this family with those initials so I guess I can throw it out.  Wonder what’s in it?  It’s locked with a tiny silver padlock…  it’s pretty worn, if I can find a hammer I can break it. 

            Those were my thoughts on that warm October morning.  Looking back I wish I had thrown the box away unopened.  I should have known it was locked for a reason and I should have known the initials were my mother’s Marie d’Oliveira, her maiden name.  But I’ve always been a kid full of curiosity and I couldn’t resist opening it even if that morning I was more intent on clearing the storeroom than on what the box might unleash.  I know that I will never be able to think of my parents or my older brother in the same way again.

            The silver lock gave easily and I opened the carved camphor wood box. It contained a red leather bound book, a journal, the pages yellowed with age and the ink faded.  I moved out in to the warm sunlight and sat down with my back against the wall to read.  There is so little that I remember of my mother that every morsel of information is eagerly sought and to my fifteen-year-old brain it never occurred that some things are better left alone. 

*****

The entries were strangely random, not like a regular journal and the writing was smudged in places and the thoughts disjointed.  I looked at the first date.  It was before I was born, and not long after my mother had come to the ranch.

17th July 1847

I have resolved to keep a journal of my new life in this wilderness.  There is so much hard work here that I may not be able to write everyday but I will try to put down my thoughts when I can.  It is so good to be here in Ben’s home, no, our home now.  The cabin is tiny but Ben has a half-finished house, which we will move into before the first snows.  Or at least that is Ben’s plan and how can I doubt him, I love him so much.  My new stepsons are wonderful boys.  The youngest is adorable and happily instructs me in all the things a city girl, like me, needs to know to live here.  The elder boy is quieter and resents me I think, but then he has been his father’s right-hand for so many years.  We will work things out.

28th July 1847

Adam played a trick on me today.  I wish I could be certain that it was a boyish prank but there was not much boyish about the way he looked at me.  He has been sulking all evening and seems to get worse if Ben shows me any affection.  I told Ben it might help if he did not kiss me or hug me in Adam’s presence.  This has caused our first real disagreement.  We soon made up and our lovemaking was even more special but I must try to get closer to Adam or it will affect our marriage more than Ben knows.

I stopped reading and took a deep breath.  It felt as though I was spying on my parents; what if Mama had written more intimate details in other entries.  I considered for only a moment, my youthful curiosity was too great to stop now.   I knew, because he had told me; that Adam had not found it easy to accept my mother when she had first arrived.  So nothing I had read so far was a surprise.  I continued my quest for knowledge and through the entries I built up a picture of so much more.  While her words about Hoss, were loving and happy, filled with fun and laughter, it was obvious from Mama’s writing that both she and my older brother were miserable in each other’s company.  The summer passed with sporadic entries about neighbors, picnics, hard work and her love for Pa.  Some of these entries I skipped over as reading them made me blush and feel like a peeping tom.

There was more talk of the new house and I settled back to read how it had grown under Pa’s guiding hands.  Then just as they were about to move in I came on this entry. 

21st October 1847

There is no one I can turn to, no one I trust.  Not even a priest to hear my confession. I can only write down my thoughts and confide in a diary.  What a sorry state to have come about.  I should have known that no good would come of this marriage.  I must have been very wicked and don’t deserve to be happy.   I hate this place.  It’s true what they say, love is blind.  I should have known I couldn’t fit in here.  Oh how I long for New Orleans.  This place is cold and the people hate me, not just the neighbors but the ranch hands and my stepson too.  I do love Ben so much but now he will hate me too, maybe he will throw me out.  I haven’t even had time to tell him that I am with child, his child.  If Jose and Adam tell him what happened and I’m sure they will, he will not believe it is his child.  He will believe what they tell him just as Jean did.  My past will never be buried.  Ben may say it doesn’t matter but it does.  One man has already died to protect my secret and we had to flee New Orleans.  The mistakes we make when young and desperate or foolish, live with us for the rest of our lives there is no absolution.  Why did I agree to Brian Shaughnessy spending the night here?  But then I couldn’t turn a man out into a snowstorm. 

October 22^nd 1847

My day has been a mixture of joy and sadness.  Joy that Ben believed me, and sadness because my stepson tried so hard to make me out a liar to his father.  I don’t know why Adam hates me so.  Ben was angry with him and that has made it even more difficult.  The boy is sulking and taking out all his bad temper on me.  I wonder what he might do next in his campaign to get rid of me.

I stopped reading and thought of my older brother. I had never realized that he hated her.  How could he? She was so kind and gentle.  My memories were misted by time and youthful emotion.  A five-year-old has such a different view of the world.  All I could remember were family picnics where everyone seemed close and loving.

I continued reading and found more entries smudged, I guessed now with tears, where she talked of Adam’s rudeness and bad manners toward her.  I had tears in my own eyes as I thought of her unhappiness.  The more I read the angrier I became, until I reached an entry that capped all the others.

 March 10th 1848    

This has been the worst day of my life.  Adam and I will never be able to mend this rift.  Today he said he hated me and wished me dead.  He hoped that I would die when my baby is born and wished the baby dead too.  I have tried to understand but this was too much. I have lost one child, I could not bear to lose this baby.  Ben was so angry, I have never seen him like this.  He punished the boy so severely that Adam has run away.  Ben has gone after him and I do not know when he will, be back.  I hope and pray that he will find his son. I think that Adam is jealous of my relationship with Ben.  He feels his father doesn’t love him anymore.  I wish I knew how to reassure him that he is much loved….

“Joe… JOE!” 

I hear my older brother calling me from the yard.  They must be back with the supplies and I’m not half done with the storeroom.  I snap the journal shut and put it back in the box, which I hideaway behind some sacks.  My morning’s reading has not made me well disposed towards my older brother.  I hate him for what he did to Mama.  I let him call again.  I’m sure not gonna hurry to help.  He had wished me dead, my mother too.

“Joe… where is that darn kid?”

I emerge slowly from the storeroom.  “Quit yellin’ I hear ya.”  Adam is standing next to the wagon and he don’t look too pleased.  That’s just too bad.  I ain’t takin’ orders from him.

               “Get over here and help us unload,” he yells.  “I don’t suppose the storeroom’s ready?”

            I ignore him and walk to the back of the wagon to give Hoss a hand.  “You get any candy?” I ask.

            Hoss nods and reaches in his pocket for a paper sack, “You owe me two bits.”

            I take the sack and open it only to have it snatched from my hand by my older brother. 

            “Candy after you work.”  Adam says as he stuffs the package into his pocket.

            “Hey, you can’t do that, it’s mine.” I yell at him.

            He gives me a smug smirk., “Actually it’s Hoss’ until you pay him for it.  So I’ll hang on to it for him.”

My fist clenches and my arm goes back ready to wipe that grin from his face.  What if he is older and bigger than me; no one insults my mother the way he has.  My arm is caught in a strong grip and I turn to see Hoss holding on to me.

“Let it go, buddy.  We got work to do and fighting Adam ain’t gonna make it happen.”

He holds me long enough that I know I have to give in, and only releases me when he is sure I have cooled a little. I rub my arm even though he didn’t hurt me and put on my sulky expression.  I want them both to know I’m not happy.

               We begin unloading boxes and sacks and carrying them into the cleared space in the storeroom.  Adam’s first view of my efforts does nothing to improve his temper.

            “What…  Joe have you done anything this morning?”  He yells.  “You can just get the job finished while Hoss and I have lunch.  I’m not doing your work for you yet again.  I want this storeroom cleared by the time we get back.”

            He set down the box he was carrying and nodded to Hoss to follow him back to the house.

            All my anger bubbled over,  “Do it yourself.”  I yelled and stormed out heading for the barn.

            I knew I wouldn’t get far.  Adam wouldn’t take that sort of talk from me, no more than Pa would’ve.                     

            I had barely reached the barn door when a hand clamped down on my shoulder and this was much harder than Hoss’ grip had been a few minutes before.  “You get back there and finish that storeroom,” Adam ground out right in my ear.  He kept his grip and wheeled me around and marched me back to the storeroom door.  I had no choice.

            He watched me start work and then seeing that I was knuckling down to it, he left and followed Hoss into the house.  I consider running out again but it would do no good, if Adam didn’t punish me then Pa would when he got home.  I worked hard but while I worked I railed against my older brother, succeeding in getting myself into a real temper.

I did finish the job but I made sure I was clear of Adam as much as possible for the rest of the afternoon.  Hop Sing spoils me, leastways that’s what Pa says and it wasn’t hard to persuade him that I was feeling tired and a little unwell so that he let me take supper to my room. I just couldn’t sit at the same table with my older brother right now.

It was only after I was safely on my bed with a tray on my knee that I realised I had left the journal in the storeroom. It was too risky to go after it now, reading more would have to wait until morning.

Later I heard footsteps in the hallway and knew it was Adam. I’ve made a science out of telling my family apart; whether it’s footsteps or their knock. It comes in real handy at times like these.  I threw the quilt over me and turned my face from the door.  It was hard to keep still while Adam came in and rested a hand on my forehead, but I managed it.  He then went to the bottom of the bed and took another blanket from the chest and covered me.  He came back to my head and brushed my hair back, feeling my forehead again.  I heard him murmur something about ‘no temperature’ and then he left. I waited until his footsteps faded away towards his own room then sat up.  Why did he do stuff like that?  I hated him and he had told Mama he hated me, so why do nice things? 

I hugged my knees around the blanket and quilt and thought about my older brother.  Sure he could be bossy, but mostly he was nothing but kind to me.  He bought me candy when I was a kid, played games, read stories and was always there for me if Pa couldn’t be.  I’d always loved him, but not anymore. The journal had changed all that.  It was hard to believe he had hated my mother so much.  Then I thought of the other things in the journal; things I shouldn’t have read. It made me blush all over again and feel a bit ashamed that I had intruded on something that should be private.  I guess kids never think of their own parents that way.

I hardly slept that night and ignored Adam at breakfast.  I don’t know how I got through my chores, but I did, and then I saddled up and rode out to the lake. I knelt at my mother’s grave but I couldn’t find peace.  Usually I could talk to her and feel her response but not today; today there was a barrier between us.  I couldn’t tell if it was because of the things I’d read about her and Pa or if my anger at Adam was making me too riled up to listen for her. I tried fishing and then took Cochise along the shore.  Nothing really took away my temper but it did cool some.

I rode home in time for chores.  My brothers were out on the range so I got started in by myself, working up into a hot temper all over again.  Pa always says that I work faster when I’m mad at someone and I sure proved it.  I was almost finished by the time I heard horses in the yard.

               “You’ve done a great job in here, son.”

               I looked up in surprise at Pa’s voice.  We hadn’t expected him back until tomorrow.  He was smiling at me and I couldn’t help smiling back.  Then I recalled some of the things I’d read in Mama’s journal and blushed before looking away. 

            Pa always could pick up on our moods and he did so now.  “Something wrong, son?”  He led Buck into his stall and began unsaddling him.

            I went back to my work, avoiding his questioning look.  “Nah, everythin’s fine.”

            “Adam and Hoss not back yet?” he asked.

            “Guess they will be soon,.”  I answered.

            Pa stopped what he was doing and came around the end of the stall so he could see me.  “You have a falling out with Adam over your chores?”

            At least I could answer that one honestly.,  “No, course not.  I’ve done ’em all and he’s been out with Hoss all day.”

            Pa raised an eyebrow, “Fine, but something is bothering you.  If you want to talk, then I’m here now.”  He said this softly, and it almost made me tell.  But then I couldn’t tell without revealing what I’d read about him and Mama.  I wondered if he knew about the journal.  It seemed strange that it would be in the storeroom if he knew.  Most of Mama’s things were around the house and a few of her more personal items in Pa’s room.

            “Didya get the contract for the army?”  I asked, hoping we could get off the subject of me and Adam.

            Pa smiled, “I did.  Twenty mounts broke to saddle for next month.”  He began to groom Buck.  “Your older brother is going to be mighty busy with just Jim to help him break them all.  Mighty sore too, I guess.”

            “Serves him right.”  I said under my breath, and out loud I added, “Maybe I could help…”

            Pa straightened up and looked me in the eye,  “Now let’s not start that again.  You are not working with green horses until you’ve had a lot more experience.”

            “Aw, Pa!  I’m a better rider than Adam and all I ever get is exercising the ones he’s already ridden or mucking out stalls and cleaning the corral.”

            Pa raised an eyebrow. “Joseph, we have been all through this a dozen times and I won’t change my mind.  Adam and I have discussed the horses and he will be in charge of the operation and he agrees with me.  You are not experienced enough for the work yet.”

            “Yeah, well he would say that.  He don’t think I can do anything, he’s always against me.”

            Pa’s patience was at an end and I could see it,  “I don’t know what’s gone on between you and Adam while I’ve been away but I’m not getting into an argument over it the minute I get back.  So unless you want to spend my first night back in your room, you’d better drop the subject and finish your chores.  Now let’s have no more arguments and perhaps we can have a pleasant evening with all of us together.”  He turned back to Buck to signal the end of the conversation.     

            For the next three days I was less than co-operative with my big brother.  I avoided him when I could and when I couldn’t I let him know that he wasn’t my favorite person.  Finally things came to a head when we got into an argument at the dinner table, over the horses.  Pa lost what he had left of his patience and sent me to my room.  Even then I didn’t take the warning and after slamming my door pretty loudly, I opened it again softly and crept back to the top of the stairs to hear what was going on below.  I was certain that Pa and Adam would be talking about me and I was right.

            “What on earth went on while I was away?”  I heard Pa ask.  “And don’t tell me nothing,” he continued obviously angry and determined to get answers.  I knew I shouldn’t but I hunkered down in the hallway and listened.  From my post I could look between the rails and just see them all seated around the fire.  Pa in his leather chair was only half in view, Hoss I could see clearly on the sofa and Adam was standing with one foot on the table and his coffee cup balanced on one hand.  Another thing for me to get mad about, Pa always yelled at me for having my feet on the table but Adam did it all the time.

            “Nothing happened, Pa.  I’m as puzzled as you are,.”  Adam answered.

            “Hoss do you know what’s wrong with your brother?”

            I saw Hoss shrug, “He ain’t said nuthin’ to me, Pa, and he was fine until you got back.  Well, he mighta bin a bit put out ‘cos me and Adam went to town for supplies and left him with the storeroom…”

            Pa sat forward in his chair and put his cup on the table, I could see him better now.

            “You think that might be it?”

            Adam straightened up and sighed.  “Aw, c’mon, Hoss.  He argued with me at the time but he was okay when we left, it started when we got back.”  Adam paused for a second, “Whatever it is happened while we were in town.”

            At this point Pa got up and began to pace.  His pacing was going to bring him right to the bottom of the stairs so I made a hasty retreat to my room.

            I could have predicted what was going to happen the next day and sure enough I would have been right.  Pa decided that he and I needed to check on the fences on the north west corner of the ranch. Okay, so I wouldn’t have predicted exactly that chore but I knew it was going to be somewhere on our own where Pa could try to coax me to talk.  I guess that part of the ranch is one of the prettiest, it’s a mix of wooded slopes, soft green meadows and then those wonderful views down to the lake.  Pa waited until we had ridden most of the fence line before he started.  We were riding down toward a section of fence on some meadowland.  It was a place where the cattle often broke through to try to get more grass and our neighbor would drive them back and then complain.  Today, though, it was all perfect.  Pa dismounted and took a swig from his canteen, so I decided to do the same.

            “You and Adam are going to have to sort your differences, son,” he began.  “It’s not good for brothers to fight.”

            “Pa, we ain’t got no differences, least no more than usual,” I hedged.          

            “Coulda fooled me,” he said casually, ” I’d say there is something very wrong and it seems to come from you.  Adam isn’t aware of anything he’s done, so maybe you should come out and tell him, he can’t put it right, if he doesn’t know what it is, can he?”

            I kicked at a stone and mumbled, “He can’t put it right no how.  Not now.”

            Pa looked at me and when I looked away he caught my chin and made me look at him.  I hate it when he does that.  His eyes seem to see right through me.

            “So what did he do that is so terrible you are avoiding him, and why can’t it be put right?  Most disagreements can be settled if you try.”

            “He hates me.”  I blurted out,  “He hated Mama too.  He wanted us both to die.” I pulled away from Pa and turned my back on him.

            There was silence for a moment then Pa’s big hand rested on my shoulder and his voice was gentle. “Whatever gave you that idea.  Adam loves you, he always has.”

            “No he don’t, he wanted Mama and me to die.  She said so.”  I bit back, hurt and hot with anger.

            Pa turned me around although I resisted as much as I could.  “How do you know she said so?” he asked quietly.

            I looked up at him., “Then you know she did.  You know about it, you have always known he hated me.”

            “Joe, I know nothing of the sort.  Now tell me why you think this.”  His voice was gentle and encouraging, not angry and I melted.  I could never keep things from him for long.  

            “I read her journal,” I muttered, hanging my head so he couldn’t see my face.  “It was in a box in the storeroom.”

            “Oh… so that’s where it was,”  Pa’s hand slipped from my shoulder.  “I thought I had lost it.”

            “See, you do know, you know what she wrote.  He hates me and he hated her, he was nasty to her and she died.”

            “Joe sit down.”  Pa dropped to the soft meadow grass and indicated that I should do the same.  When I complied he moved to face me.  “The journal was in a box and it was locked wasn’t it?”

            I nodded, ashamed of what I had done but not sorry that I now had the knowledge from the journal.

            “It’s never wise to open other people’s journals without permission.  It’s like eavesdropping.  You only get part of a story.”

            “I got the part I needed to know.”  His dark eyes held mine and I couldn’t stay angry.  “I know it was wrong to read it but it told me about Adam and my mother.”

            Pa closed his eyes for a second and when he opened them they were softer.            “Let me tell you a story…”

            “You can’t change what I saw, it was in her writing.  She said he wished her and her baby dead… that was me.”  I shot back at him.

            Pa didn’t seem to hear me for he continued,  “There once was a little girl and she was told never to open a special box but one day like you she couldn’t resist and when she opened it all the bad things in the box flew out into the world.  She realised what she had done and she slammed the lid shut, determined never to open it again.  After that the world was a terrible place, with famine, pestilence and death.” 

He stopped and placed a hand under my chin making me look at him.  “That is similar to what you have done, isn’t it?  Since you read the journal the world is a terrible place.  Your brother is evil because he hated your mother and you can never forgive him.  You are being eaten up inside by a hate of him that you can never lose.”

            “You’re telling me I shouldn’t have opened the box, well I did and nothing can change that.”   I looked into those deep brown eyes and saw understanding.  “He’s not my brother no more.”

            Pa didn’t argue the point he just nodded,  “Let me finish about the little girl and her box.”

            “What’s some stupid old story got to do with anything.” 

            “Patience, my son, patience.  It is what you and the little girl need.  She knew she shouldn’t have opened the box but it was done and nothing she could do would put those bad things back. But you see, when all the bad flew out into the world the little girl slammed the lid, she didn’t check to see if anything was left in the box.  She feared, as you do that if she looked again she would release more evil.  But deep inside the box was one more thing and when she eventually got the courage to take another peep, Hope flew into the world.  No matter how bad things get if we have hope then we will survive.”

            I shook my head.,  “Hope ain’t gonna make this better.”

            “Maybe not, but peeping into that forbidden box again just might as it did for Pandora,”  Pa said quietly.  “You didn’t finish the journal did you?”

            “No, but…”

            “If you had read on you would have discovered that over the months Adam grew to love your mother and you were his adored little brother from the moment you were born.  You see although your mother wrote those words she never gave up hope that one day things between her and Adam would be different.  She was right to hope. ” 

Pa’s voice was so gentle that all the fears receded and I knew I was loved.  I threw my arms around him and hugged.  “You ain’t just saying that?”

“Joseph, when have I ever lied to you?  When we get home, you bring me the journal and we’ll read it together.”

I suddenly remembered some of the things I’d read and a hot flush rose up my neck and I had to look away.  “Just the bits about Adam…”

Pa laughed, “Yes, just those bits.  Now you know why journals and diaries are often private things and should only be read by those who write them.”     

The End