Chapter Seventeen

Trapper didn’t visit Leah again while she was in CICU. Even after she was moved to a room on a ward, he stayed away. Until today. When he stepped into her private room, she was sitting in a chair by the window, working.

She looked up from the over-bed table where her work was spread out everywhere…even on the window sill, took a deep breath, and then turned her attention back to her work.

Tucking the file folder he had been holding under his arm, he walked to the window and leaned back on the sill, crossing his arms. “Dr. Gates tells me you’re making remarkable progress.”

She ignored him and continued her work.

Picking up the papers that were laying on the sill, Trapper asked, “Does he know you’re working? As I recall, he wasn’t going to release you to go back until you saw Dr. Matthews.”

“Well, there’s your answer. I’m still here in a hospital room instead of recovering at home.”

“Did you really expect to go home this soon?” When he got no answer, he asked with some disbelief in his voice, “You’re not still angry with me for arranging your surgery are you?”

Without looking up, she set her pen down very purposefully on the table, leaned back, looked at the door, and then cut her eyes over to his. “You had no right.”

“I guess we’ll never know how you would have felt if the lesion had completely ruptured, and Gonzo didn’t have time to get in to fix it,” he said acerbically to her continued glare. “And if you’re waiting on an apology, you’re not going to get one. Whether you want to admit it or not, you want to live.”

Casting her eyes down, she took a deep breath. “What do you want?” she asked quietly.

Satisfied that his argument had the desired effect, he answered in kind, “I thought you might want to talk about the autopsies.” She tensed, and when she looked up at him, he saw uncertainty. “I’ll tell you right off that I think you’ll feel some relief from what I have to tell you, but I want to go over it carefully with you so you completely understand…so doubt doesn’t creep back in.” Rolling the table away from the chair, he took her hand and helped her up. “Have you walked today?” She shook her head. “Why don’t we walk over to my office where we can spend some time going over these?” Draping her arm over his so she could lean on him if necessary, he walked her out the door.

When they passed the nurse’s station, he asked Ernie to hold his calls. Once in his office, he motioned for her to be seated on the sofa, and then asked if she wanted a cup of coffee.

She hadn’t looked him in the eye since she asked him what he had wanted and still didn’t. “Can I have coffee?”

“A cup every now and then isn’t going to hurt you. And decaf, if you can stand it, will never hurt you.”

“Yes. Thank you.”

“How do you take it?”

“Cream, if you have it…and Sweet N’Low.”

Trapper twisted to look at her and furrowed his brow. “Sugar it is.” Handing her a cup, he set his on the side table and sat down next to her. “I don’t want you to read these. They’re full of medical jargon, so much of it won’t mean anything to you without a medical dictionary.” He hesitated. “And…there are things in here you don’t need to read…they go into great detail. If I knew more about the accident, I’m sure some of what’s in here will make more sense. Can you tell me what you remember?”

After reliving the accident over and over in her dreams for the last four years, it was easy for her to slip back to that day. Trapper watched her, waiting patiently as she stared into her coffee cup, knowing she would speak when she could.

“We were on our way home from a long weekend at our lake house. Are you familiar with Highway 50 between Twin Bridges and the cut-off to Ice House?”

“I’ve driven it many times.”

“So you know how winding that road is…and the river is right down below the road. We were in a passing lane, going by a log truck when something happened to the truck.” When she took a sip of her coffee, he noticed her hands shaking, and when she lowered the cup, he put his hand on her arm. “I don’t know if he hit the bank or maybe a boulder on the side of the road. We didn’t really notice anything until we heard the sound…like metal tearing…and then a loud…it almost sounded like a gun firing.” Turning away, she raised a trembling hand to her mouth. Trapper took her coffee cup and set it on the table, then held her other hand. As tears flowed down her face, she continued. “Everything happened so fast. The logs started rolling off the truck onto the car. The first one knocked us into the oncoming lane, and then it seemed the rest of the logs hit us all at once. The car rolled over and the logs took it off the road…it was rolling with them. I remember John yelling to hold on. I don’t remember the kids making any sound…none at all.” She stopped and wrapped her arms around herself, crying without making a sound. “I don’t remember anything else,” she said after few minutes. “At some point, John and I were thrown out of the car. I was told I landed behind a large rock, but John landed in the path of the logs. Beth and JJ were in the car when it was pulled out of the river.”

Trapper saw so much anguish on her face and torment in her eyes. He understood now why she pushed those memories away. He nodded to Dr. Matthews who had silently opened Trapper’s office door and stepped just inside. “Leah, do you want to stop for the moment or do you want to keep going?” Trapper asked.

Taking several slow breaths, she answered unsteadily, “I need to know if John suffered. I need to know if my children knew they were dying.”

Looking back at Dr. Matthews, Trapper opened his folder when Matthews nodded to continue. “I can’t tell you anything definite about John. Based on the description of the blunt force trauma to his head, I feel sure he would have lost consciousness with the first blow. The coroner didn’t know if he was hit first by the car or by a log, and it doesn’t really matter. By coming out of the car as it was rolling down the hill, the coroner felt his primary injury would have been almost immediate.”

Dr. Matthews poured a glass of water and handed it to Leah. When she took it from him, that fact that he was there didn’t seem to faze her. She took a drink, handed the glass to Trapper, and then sank into the sofa as if willing it to swallow her.

“Do you still want to go on?” Trapper asked softly, leaning over her. Her eyes remained fixed on her hands lying in her lap when she nodded. “Alright. JJ and Beth each had blunt force trauma to the head. Leah, was Beth sitting behind you? JJ was sitting behind John?

She pulled herself away from the protection of the sofa cushions and turned to Trapper. “Yes.”

“Beth’s major head injury was to the left side of her head. JJ’s was to the right. You said you didn’t hear them make a sound. That’s because their major injuries occurred at the top of the hill…as the car first went off the road.” Tossing the files over to his desk, he turned and took her hands, looking into her eyes. “Leah, their heads bumped together. Do you understand what I’m saying?” She searched his eyes, trying to comprehend. “They had no idea the car rolled down the hill and landed in the river. They were unconscious from the very start of the accident. They didn’t have time to know what was happening, and they certainly had no idea they were drowning.”

Leah lay over on the arm of the sofa away from Trapper and drew herself into a ball. After four years of denying her pain, she was finally allowing herself to grieve. Dr. Matthews laid his hand on Trapper’s shoulder, bringing Trapper to his feet. “I’ll go check on some other patients,” whispered Trapper. “Stay here as long as you need to.”

Dr. Matthews took Trappers place on the sofa while Trapper exited his office.