Chapter Twenty-Eight

Wandering into Trapper’s office, Gonzo sat dismally on the sofa and just stared forward. Trapper, who was sitting in his desk chair, staring out the window, didn’t even turn around, lost in his own thoughts. After five minutes of silence, both men got up for coffee, and as they prepared their cups, Trapper asked, “What’s bothering you?”

“I just got out of surgery. Atchison’s chest is full of cancer. We had to close.”

“Has Bart already left?”

“No. He went up to the seventh floor to work on Atchison’s protocol. As soon as he’s stable, he’ll be transferred up there. I was surprised you didn’t scrub in.”

“I had a situation with Marcus Jones. There was blood in his urine this morning. The kid’s gonna lose his kidney.”

Turning away from each other, both men went back to their former seats.

“At least he can still live a normal life with the other kidney,” said Gonzo. “You win some, you lose some.”

***

Leah Haverty was early for her appointment with Dr. Gates, and her appointment with Dr. Sandler was several hours away, so she wandered into the cafeteria for a light breakfast. As she went through the line, deciding on mixed fruit, she noticed a man sitting at a table, staring despondently into his cup of coffee. “Do you know how long that man has been here?” she asked the cashier.

“Over an hour. His coffee has to be cold.”

“Why don’t you add another cup of coffee to my bill then,” she said, still watching the man. His fixed gaze into that cup was painfully familiar. “Excuse me. May I join you,” she asked.

Looking up with red eyes, he replied, “I’m afraid I’m not very good company at the moment. But you’re welcome to use the table.”

She sat down across from him, and taking his coffee cup out of his hands, she slipped the replacement in.

He looked up, and opened his mouth to say something, but rather offered a slight forced smile and resumed his coffee vigil.

Watching him for a few minutes, she knew whoever was here that this man loved wasn’t doing well. “Sometimes it helps to get it out. Trust me. I know.”

He looked up again and with an expression close to contempt, he replied. “I don’t think so.”

“Try me. If I really don’t know, I’ll leave you alone.”

Mike thought why not tell her. It would be an easy enough way to get rid of her. “My son…he was injured in a bus accident. He has a collapsed lung they can’t seem to keep inflated, a damaged kidney that they told me today they’d have to take, and a ventilator that’s causing pneumonia, but has to stay on to keep his lung inflated.”

“I remember the bus accident. I was a patient here when it happened.”

“Yeah, what were you in for?” he asked, disinterestedly.

“Heart issues. Dr. McIntyre, the Chief of Surgery here, fixed the one in my chest. Dr. Sandler’s still working on the other one.” Mike looked up with creased brows. “I don’t want to bore you with the gory details, but I do want to give you something.” She reached over to his hand, pried it from the coffee cup and squeezed, and with a single tear rolling down her cheek, she looked him in the eye. “As long as there’s life, there’s hope. Hold on to it.”

Mike watched as Leah stood, took her tray to the conveyor, and left the cafeteria. Lowering his eyes to the chair she had occupied just seconds before, he nodded, took a long drink of coffee, and headed back to Marcus’ room.

Leah walked right by Trapper as he came down the hall from his office. “Leah?” he called.

She stopped, but before she turned, she wiped her eyes and put on a smile. “Dr. McIntyre, how are you?”

“I thought we decided it would be Trapper. Touching her shoulders, he bent slightly to see her face. “Hey, what’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” she said, unconvincingly, trying to hold back tears. One escaped.

“Come on. Let’s go to my office,” he said, putting an arm around her shoulder, and turning her back down the hall. When they arrived, he reached into his pocket and pulled out a handkerchief, offering it to her.”

“Thank you,” she whispered. “I’m sorry. There was a man in the cafeteria who looked like he had already given up. But his son is alive. He can’t give up.”

Reaching around her, Trapper gently guided her head to his chest and held her as she cried. “Did he say who he was?”

Slowly regaining her composure, she answered as she dabbed her eyes, “No, but he did say his son was injured pretty badly in the bus accident.”

“Ah. Mr. Jones.”

She lifted her head to look him in the eye. “Is his son one of yours?”

“Mm hm.”

“Is he going to live?”

“He will. His injuries are no longer life threatening, but he has a ways to go. Mr. Jones is terrified of losing him. The mother was killed in a car accident a few years ago, and Marcus is his only child.”

“Ah. And the world just got a little smaller,” she said, handing the handkerchief back. “Dr. McIntyre, thank you again, but I have to run. I’m going to be late for my appointment with Dr. Gates.”

“What happened to Trapper?” he asked, holding his hands out to his sides.

She sighed. “That’s going to take some getting used to.”

“Well, that’s a start.” As she turned to leave, he asked, “Lunch?”

Stopping, she took a deep breath. “Sure. But it will have to be in the cafeteria. I have an appointment with Dr. Sandler early this afternoon, and then I have to go downstairs for a little while.”

“I’ll stop by the exam room on my way to the cafeteria,” he said. When she was gone, Trapper looked down at the handkerchief still in his hand and smiled.

***

She knocked on the office door and stuck her head in. “Leah, come on in,” said Dr. Sandler as he closed a file on his desk, and stood. “Come on and sit down.” He motioned to a chair on the other side of his office, and once she was seated, he sat in an identical chair opposite her. “How are you today?”

“Well, I just came from an appointment with Dr. Gates, and he said a few more good checkups, and he’ll release me to go back to work with limited responsibilities.” David looked quizzically at her. “That means I can’t go crawling around looking for wiring harnesses under the floor.” This time his eyebrows creased. “Never mind. He also said I couldn’t work extra hours anymore, and that you had to release me as well.”

“Do you think you’re ready to be released?”

She smiled and looked down at her clasped hands. “Dr. Sandler, I realize you’re not ready to cut me loose, but I see no reason I can’t work while I’m seeing you.”

He pushed his lower lip up and nodded. “How’s your appetite?”

“I’m eating if that’s what you’re asking. In fact, I had lunch with Dr. McIntyre today in the cafeteria.”

“John mentioned he took you home for lunch several weeks ago. He said you talked about cleaning out the house in LA. You had questions?”

“You doctors have a conspiracy here, don’t you?”

“Why would you say that?”

She shook her head. “I never went back to either house, and both houses are full of…their lives…our lives…together. It’s just something I’ve been thinking a lot about lately, and I thought maybe that was a sign that it was time…to go back.”

“Well, if you do, I don’t want you to go alone. Take someone with you who you think can be supportive. It won’t just be cleaning out the house. You’ll be letting another piece of them go.”

“I know,” she whispered. “I just don’t know how to begin…how to choose what I keep and what I don’t.”

“I suggest that if you have doubts about any piece of it, you keep it, even if it turns out to be a lot of stuff. You can always rent a storage unit, and then you can go back from time to time and revisit your decisions.

“My children grew up…” She stopped and held her breath. “I was going to say they grew up in that house, but they didn’t really grow up at all, did they?” She took timorous breath. Aggravated by her lack of control, she jerked a tissue out of the box on the table next to her.

“There’s a parent’s group that meets every other week over in the hospital annex. These are parents who have lost children. I’d like you try it. If you don’t feel comfortable, you don’t have to go back. But if you decide you need some support, you’ll know who and where they are.”

She laughed nervously. “Dr. Sandler, I’m not exactly the type who likes large get-togethers.”

“These are people who can give you ideas about cleaning out their things…about letting go. Most of them have already done it. Some are in the process, and some, like you, haven’t started.”

“I’ll think about it,” she said quietly.

“Good enough. Now, how are you sleeping?”

“That depends on what happens on any particular day. I guess I have the most trouble when I’ve spent the day in my apartment doing nothing in particular. But Dr. Gates said I could start walking again…as much as I want, but without exhausting myself. So hopefully, that will help. And I still owe Dr. McIntyre a fishing trip.”

“Fishing?”

“Yeah, fishing,” she said, chuckling. “He’ll be surprised, I think. I used to go fly fishing with John…waders, basket, the whole nine yards. I even used to make a mean fly.”

“Your spending more time with him, aren’t you?“

“I suppose. He called me one evening I just happened to be a mess, and he came over and pulled me kicking and screaming out of my apartment and took me to a drive-in movie,” she said, grinning from ear to ear. “I hadn’t been to a drive-in since I was in college.”

“Anyone else?”

“Specify, Dr. Sandler.”

“Do you spend time with anyone else?”

“No, not really.”

“Why not?”

Her smile faded. “He’s the only one who asks. Besides, Dr. McIntyre gives me straight answers when I ask about my future…my future physically. I know the possibility of living to a ripe old age is…greatly reduced.”

“Does that bother you?”

“I guess I’ve been thinking about my mortality more lately since I was so close to death recently.”

“At one point, you weren’t sure you wanted to live.”

“I didn’t want to die. I just didn’t know I didn’t want to die.”

What happened that convinced you?”

She knew all he wanted was for her to say it out loud, but still he was becoming annoying. Her next words came out a sharper than she had intended. “I almost died.”

“Have you thought about John lately?”

“Dr. Sandler, I told you, I think about all of them every day.”

“Alright. What started you thinking about John today?” She stared absently forward. “Leah?” he said, waving his hand in front of her face. She glanced at him, then away, remembering earlier in Dr. McIntyre’s office. “What are you thinking?”

She shifted uneasily in her chair. “I really don’t want to talk about it.”

“I can see that. Talk about it anyway.”

“I met a man in the cafeteria this morning. His son is here…in bad shape. He’s one of the kids from the bus accident. This man looked like he had given up, even though his son is still alive, and…it upset me. When I left the cafeteria, Dr. McIntyre saw me walking down the hall, and…I ended up in his office, crying on his shoulder. Well, it wasn’t his shoulder. He held me, and while he was holding me, I wasn’t thinking about anything but the man and his son, but when I left his office…I remembered how John’s arms felt around me. I remembered feeling…safe. The same way I felt…” David could barely hear the rest. “In Trapper’s arms.”

“When you realized this, what did you feel?”

She bowed her head. “Like I had betrayed John.” Another tear slowly made its way down her cheek and dropped onto her lap.

“Leah, John’s dead. You can’t betray him.”