Summary:  Joe leaves home after doing something he thinks is unforgivable.  His family misses him and wants him to come home, and when he does, there is a surprising turn of events for Joe.

Rating = T    WC = 5813

Deadwood

Looking into the distance, the trees were so dark it made the low mountains look black. But he needed to pay attention as he was riding slowly and moving his horse carefully around all the dead trees that lined French Creek. He wondered at the cause. He had seen more deadfall here than anywhere he had ridden. He had heard the new town developing here had a lot of prostitutes and a lot of gamblers. He figured first the one and then the other. It was also a lawless town with no legal right to be here so he had made sure before riding this way that his pistol was in fine working order and had secreted a derringer in his chest pocket under his green jacket. No matter how long he was gone from home, he always liked the look he cut in a green jacket. This one was dark green and made of soft suede.

Later that afternoon after a visit with one of Madam Dora’s finest, Joe was in Nuttal & Mann’s Saloon having a steak sandwich and drinking a cool beer. He wondered where they got such fine beef but then thought better of asking in a place like this. There was a poker game underway and he waited for a chance to join. Two miners had nearly lost their stakes and were ready to quit. He would take one of their spots. As Joe moved into the seat facing the door, another man entered. That man had a shotgun in one hand and wore his pistol to the other side. The new arrival wanted the seat Joe had just claimed but he declined to give it up because he didn’t want his back to the door in a town full of strangers. The man sat directly across from him then and they began to play. Joe was up and down small amounts as he learned the tells of the other men at the table. Once he thought he had them all, he played more aggressively.

Suddenly a man burst through the door and shot the man directly across from Joe. The shot entered the man’s head and sprayed blood and brain matter all over the table. He heard someone yell out “Jack McCall” before the man fled from his ghastly deed. Looking over at the dead man’s hand as it lay on the table, Joe saw aces and eights, all black with one card still unturned. He flipped it over: ace of hearts. He wondered at the dead man’s identity and heard someone say Wild Bill and then he knew. He had heard of him but had never seen him before. Now Wild Bill was dead and would end up on the hill next to the boarding house where he had taken a room. Jack McCall would be on the run. Joe wondered how they ever dug a grave in Mount Moriah Cemetery with all the rock around. It wasn’t his problem though.

Life could end so suddenly and apparently with so little cause, it made Joe think quite a bit about his own life. He had been thinking more and more about going home. His Pa and his two older brothers would welcome him back, he was sure of that now. The argument and the near tragedy that led him to leave seemed not so important any more. He had learned a lot as he had traveled though, and one thing he knew now better than ever was that you had to have someone watching your back especially when they said all was forgiven. Heading home now where he had three men who would watch his back and had done so for years, Joe was ready to accept the forgiveness they had for him and take his place beside the men who had taught him so much. Some lessons he had needed to learn on his own though, and one was that he was less by himself than he was when he was with his family. They made him more. His father had tried to teach him that with kindling years before and thought he had, but obviously the lesson had not stuck. It was there now though.

Smiling as he walked to his horse seeing the men heading to saloons to gamble their money away at games of chance, Joe remembered playing checkers with his brother Hoss. He had done everything he could to win those games including moving pieces when he wasn’t looking or even removing a piece from the board if he could get away with it. Adam had told him once that Hoss always knew he was cheating and let him do it because he knew how important it was for him to win. He told him that Hoss could have won every game or nearly every game if he concentrated, but that winning was not as important to him as playing the game and spending time with his brother. Joe hadn’t believed Adam until that night when he did everything he could do to try to lose. Hoss countered every move because he wanted to lose that night too.

Their father, Ben Cartwright, sat in his red chair reading the Territorial Enterprise, but Joe knew he was really watching their game more than anything because since Mark Twain had left town, there never was anything remotely funny in that newspaper. The smile he had just had to be because he was laughing at his two sons in a marathon checkers game. Hoss had purposefully put his pieces in jeopardy time after time and Joe had ignored them only to put his pieces in even more jeopardy. At one point, Hoss had lined up his checkers perfectly for Joe to jump them all. Hoss had even expressed his ‘sorrow’ at seeing the foolish plays he had made.

“Dadburnit, Little Joe. Look at what I done did. I’m real sorry not to have given you a real challenge tonight, but dagnabit, that’s just how it is.”

Then Joe had sneezed and reflexively jerked his arm back knocking a bowl off the table behind him. Hoss had gotten up to quickly right things, but by the time Hoss got back, Joe had not only recovered completely from his attack of sneezing, but the board no longer looked the same.

“Dadburnit, Little Joe, you moved the pieces.”

“Now, Hoss, would I do something like that?”

“You know you would.”

“I don’t see what the problem is. If I moved the pieces, then why would you be all set up to jump three of my pieces? I guess that sneezing rattled my brain and made me make a dumb move like that.”

Stymied because he could not reveal the truth, Hoss jumped his three pieces and glared at Joe. In his life, Joe had never worked so hard playing checkers. The match continued like that for another half hour, and Hoss slowly was gaining the upper hand by putting his pieces in places where Joe had to jump them as his only moves. As the pieces on the board diminished, Ben put the paper and all pretense of reading it down as he leaned forward to watch the end of the game. Hoss had been forced to make him king three of his pieces. Joe thought that his strategy was working and never realized that Hoss was maneuvering his pieces into a perfect setup for him to jump the three he had recently kinged. Hoss at that point could gracefully concede the game because it would be impossible to win with one piece, and everyone in the room knew it. His hand hovered over the board. He couldn’t cheat and he had to win. Both of those things bothered him immensely. Finally he did it.

“Well, that’s it, little brother. You win. I cain’t possibly continue with just one piece against yours.”

“Well, you coulda tried harder to win.”

“Little Joe, you know how hard I try to win at checkers, but you cheat.”

“I do not cheat.”

“Well, just be sure you don’t cheat ole Adam there. Remember, he said he would take on the winner for a best of three match.”

Joe had groaned then. Adam had been seeing a new girl. Her family was Italian, and insisted on lots of garlic in the food. Adam had said the only way to enjoy kissing her was to eat a lot of garlic himself. He had really developed a taste for it. Even from Adam’s perch on the blue chair a dozen feet away, Joe could catch a whiff of garlic now and then. Joe looked up at Hoss’ grin and wanted to strangle him. Instead he wondered if he should ask Hoss how to lose quickly because he was so good at it. It wouldn’t matter though. He knew that with three games of that garlic breath, and he wouldn’t be thinking straight anyway.

That was a good memory. It also meant that Adam had been correct. Hoss was better at checkers than he was. It was the kind of memory he liked to have though. It was so much better than remembering that last argument and fight with Adam. Shoving him backwards in the stable hadn’t been meant to do anything. If only he had listened to Hoss and put that pitchfork away with the sharpened tines down as he should have. Instead he had left it propped on the workbench that Adam had banged into when he was shoved. Joe had misinterpreted the look of surprise on Adam’s face. He had never even thought of the pitchfork nor realized that two tines had pierced his brother’s back. Instead he had stormed out of the stable and left his brother there. He thought Adam was fuming in anger not realizing his silence was due to shock at the puncturing of his body by two sharp tines. Adam couldn’t reach around to pull them out and stood there for several minutes at least until Hoss had come in to find out what the argument had been. From that point on, no one cared about the topic of the argument, and Joe couldn’t even remember any more. All he knew was that he was the one to make it physical. He usually was. Adam was so much better with words and made him so angry and frustrated until he had to strike out. But that time, Adam had nearly died. Doctor Martin had said he probably would, and Joe had left thinking their father could never forgive him for what he had done. Then he had gotten word that Adam had managed to survive and wanted Joe to come home. There were wires from Adam to him all over the west waiting for him apparently. He had two in his pocket already. He had sent a response after picking up the second one. He had had a lot of time to think, and he had had months of living and learning. In fact, it had been nearly a year since he had ridden away from the Ponderosa thinking he would never be back. Now Joe Cartwright was going home. He wasn’t traveling alone though. He had memories of his family by his side to keep him company.

At Home

It had been a year since Little Joe Cartwright had ridden away from the Ponderosa. Adam carried guilt for that. He had an argument with his youngest brother that had led to him being injured severely. Whenever reminded of that time, Adam got quiet and felt the pain of the loss all over again. Unfortunately the reminders were frequent. The most common was the empty chair at the dining table. Adam found it difficult enough to eat, and with that empty place there, it was doubly tough to get enough nourishment. He was much too thin despite his father’s encouragement and Hop Sing’s efforts to provide him with his favorite foods as often as possible. It wasn’t unusual for Hoss to bring a little treat or snack with him when the two worked together and share a large portion of it with Adam when they took a break. Still needing breaks when he worked was also a result of what had happened even though a full year had passed. The doctor had said to be patient, but Adam had never been a patient man when it came to recuperation. Doctor Martin had talked to Ben discussing the possibility that the delay in full recovery was related to the burden of guilt that Adam seemed unable to shed. As Adam walked out the door that evening as he often did, his father followed even as Hoss watched and hoped that the two could have the conversation that would finally allow Adam some peace. Ben found Adam leaning on the corral fence and staring at the stars. It seemed a favorite spot for him when he was thinking.

“Still carrying that load of guilt?”

“Only what is mine.”

“And what do you think is yours?”

“Pa, I had that argument with him. I pushed him hard with my words. When he shoved me, it was because he couldn’t fight me with words. It wasn’t a fair fight. He used what he had just like I used what I had. I should have told him that when I could. I was aware that first day or so. I could have told him I didn’t blame him. He wouldn’t have left then.”

“Adam, first of all, you shouldn’t demean your brother by taking responsibility for his actions. He is a man. He made a decision and took an action. Those are his not yours. And even if you had found it in your heart to tell him then that he wasn’t at fault, he probably wouldn’t have accepted it. He hadn’t come to terms with it and needed to do it his way not your way. He’s harder on himself than anyone is ever hard on him. You do it with thought and then with words.”

“Doesn’t everyone?”

“You should know your brother better than that. You hold it inside you and wrestle with it until you reason it out.”

“And Joe?”

“The first thing he usually does is to try to run from it. He tries to deny it’s there. He does his best to not let it get to him, but it does and eventually forces him to face it because it haunts him until he does. It’s always there affecting him emotionally. It’s with him no matter what he does. Then he faces it squarely, beats it down, and emerges with a plan much like you do.”

“So in the end, we’re not so different.”

“In the end, you’re not very different at all. Even the arguments served a purpose for both of you. You both let things fester inside and the arguments let things out and cleared the air. I never liked them, but I knew they served a purpose. As you got older and the arguments were no longer physical, I worried less, but then this happened.”

“It was an accident. I know he meant to shut me up not hurt me. He had no words for me so he wanted to stop the argument. That’s all he wanted to do. I know he was upset, but he has been upset before and never left. He never felt the need to leave here. I feel terrible that I’m the reason he’s gone.”

“You can stop carrying that burden. I’ve thought about that quite a lot, and I think he was trying to escape me, not you. He didn’t want to face me. Remember when he left, we thought you were dying.”

“I don’t remember that.”

“I do.” Hoss had walked outside to see how the two were doing in their conversation and overheard some of it. He decided that he would join in.

“I guess Adam wouldn’t though, would he, Hoss. We were shattered by the news, but by the time Paul talked to us about it, you were already delirious from the fever and the infection as well as the pain. I know Joe turned so pale that Paul wondered if he was going to need care. Paul told us that he thought that you had only days left. I didn’t want to believe him at all. You were struggling so against all of it, but Paul said your strength was giving out.”

“Those were some nightmare days. I wish I didn’t remember ’em neither. Then just when you was getting really awful, Little Joe left. I remember how it had all started too. It seemed like just a regular thing like the two of you had. I walked into the stable and you was standing there by the workbench with the strangest look I think I ever seen. You had one hand on the bench and the other behind your back. I asked you what you and Joe had been jawing at each other about, and you took your hand out from behind your back, and it had some blood on it. You didn’t say nothing. It was only later that I knew you couldn’t talk with the pain you was in. It’s when I saw that blood that I took a look and saw that fork stuck in your back. Those two tines musta been at least four inches inta ya. I know I had done told Joe to put that fork in the storeroom with the tines down after he finished sharpening it, but there it was still fastened to the workbench and now stuck in your back. I helped pull you off of it and that was terrible enough.”

“Don’t remind me. I do remember that part. First it was like being shot twice and then being shot again. I remember that I nearly passed out. You helped me to the house after I retched.”

“Yeah, I got you inside and explained about the fork being stuck in your back and Joe went from being mad to being so damned guilty in a matter of seconds. All he kept saying was how sorry he was and how he didn’t know you was hurt.”

“I should have said something to him. I should have told him that I didn’t blame him.”

“Adam, that’s plumb loco. You was in so much pain you couldn’t even hardly say nothing at all even to tell the doc the answers to questions he asked you. He had to kind of read your reactions to know the answers. Kinda crazy to think you coulda had a conversation with Joe then.”

“I knew he blamed himself though. I was aware of that.”

“Oh, we all knew that. Pa talked to him about it. Said of course he done it but he didn’t mean to do it. It was an accident, but he felt awful cuz he left that fork out and he was the one who shoved you too, but none of us figured on him taking off before things could get all worked out. I mean ifn you was dying, he shoulda been here.”

“What were you told that made you think I was dying? I don’t think anyone ever told me that.”

“Doc Martin told us that the chance of infection was real high and that you was probably bleeding inside and he couldn’t really do nothing about that except keep you still, and well, we couldn’t help but think the worst.”

“Yes, I remember talking with Paul about you. I told him that I knew men who had survived wounds like that, and he asked me how many I knew who had survived two wounds like that. I knew he was telling us to be prepared for the worst. He didn’t want to give us any false hope, and at first it looked like his prediction was accurate. I sat with you and your fever rose, you got more and more delirious with each hour it seemed. Hoss and I had a heck of a time getting you to take even small amounts of water.”

“We never said nothing about any of it to you when you were kinda aware we was there, but you was hurting so bad anyway, you probably guessed how bad off you were. It was when you got so pale and still that we really got scared. That’s when Joe left. He saw you like that and he knew like we did that you were probably not gonna last much longer. Pa was praying over you, and I guess we both had some tears too. I don’t rightly know when Joe left your room. We sat there until dawn neither one of us wanting to leave.”

“You thought I would die that night.”

They didn’t have to answer. Adam knew. They had never talked so openly about his injury and those few days. Adam put a hand on his father’s shoulder and one on Hoss’.

“Until tonight, I never knew that during that terrible time, I actually had the easiest part. All of you suffered more than I did. I was out of my head and didn’t even know what was going on for most of that time.”

“Well you sure did for the next couple of months after you come out of that. Shocked the heck out of everyone that you did. Doc Martin came to the house thinking that if you weren’t gone, you would be soon, and there you were with your eyes open and Pa was spooning tea into you. You coulda knocked old doc over with a feather at that point, I think.”

“Yes, he told me he had a new appreciation for the power of prayer after that experience. He had no idea how you could have come back from the edge like you did.”

“So when Joe left, he had every reason to believe I would soon be dead, and he probably thought you would blame him.”

“Yes, that’s how I see it. That’s probably how he was thinking, and he thought I couldn’t forgive him, so he left. For a short time there, I thought I was going to lose two sons.”

“I’m glad we had this talk. It’s cleared up some things for me. There’s something that I’ve been thinking about doing to try to see if I can get Joe home. I want to talk to Roy to see if it can be done.”

“What is it?”

“I’d rather talk to Roy to see if it can be done before I tell you. I’ll go to town tomorrow to talk with him. I’ll let you know what he says.”

The next day, Ben was a bit shocked at what Adam had done until he heard what it was exactly. “It’s not a wanted poster, Pa. It’s a reward for getting Joe to pick up the telegrams I’ve sent to over a hundred towns in places I think he might have gone. It will likely take the telegraph office until tomorrow to finish sending all the telegrams. The way he loves horses, I sent one to every horse raising area I could think of. Then I had posters printed about the reward and had them sent to the sheriff’s offices in those towns. Anyone who gets him to pick up one of those telegrams, gets the hundred dollar reward. We’ll know if Joe gets the message because I’ll have to wire the money to that location. We’ll also get a general idea of where he is.”

“Adam, it’s a brilliant idea, but very expensive. That must have cost you a fortune.”

“I had a lot of money saved up.”

“But you were going to use that to leave and make your own way in the world and get to Europe and travel to all those places you dreamed of seeing.”

“Somehow, travel doesn’t seem so important any more. I can take trips. I don’t need to leave the Ponderosa permanently to do that. I can use the winter months to take some trips after I save up some money again.”

“Adam, the Ponderosa can afford to pay for your expenses to take trips. I would be happy to do that. I’m sure your brothers would agree.”

Hoss was grinning as his father said it because he was overjoyed to hear that Adam had changed his mind about leaving. Now if they could only get Joe to come back. Better news arrived only two weeks later as two of the telegrams were picked up and Adam sent out wires to reward two men for getting Joe to do that. Then the big payoff came when a telegram came for the family, and Joe said he was coming home.

Gifts

Riding onto the familiar land of the Ponderosa, Little Joe Cartwright was feeling a bit uncomfortable. He had been practicing several speeches in his mind for days now in preparation for his homecoming, which he expected to be awkward. When he saw his older brothers, he could only imagine the looks of disapproval he was going to get, and probably a few choice words about what he had done. More of a concern to him was what he would see in his father because he expected to see disappointment. He knew he had handled things very poorly. Knowing he deserved those reactions and more only made it that much harder to keep riding forward to face what he believed to be the inevitable once he had made the decision to go home. In his saddlebags, he had three small gifts, in his mind were three heartfelt apologies, and in his heart were honest feelings of love for his family whom he had missed dearly. Finally he saw the house down below with smoke coming from the chimneys and knew that probably everyone was home. He began the ride down to face his family after running out on them a year earlier and steeled himself for their reactions to his arrival.

The first to see him was Hoss who yelled loudly that Joe was home before rushing to him and practically pulling him off his horse to give him a bear hug lifting him off his feet as he did so. Joe smiled thinking that not many men had a brother who could lift them off their feet. At least Hoss was willing to forgive him. What happened next though shocked him. His father was there and smiling through tears as he hugged him and did what Hoss had done although not as much, but Joe definitely felt some distance between his feet and the ground for a moment there in his father’s embrace. That his father forgave him was a blessing. Then when he was released, Adam was there. He looked a little serious for a moment.

“Sorry, but you’re not getting a bear hug from me. This will have to do.” With a grin then, Adam wrapped his arms around Joe and pulled him close whispering in his ear that he was so grateful that he had come home. Joe’s tears flowed then too. He had almost cried seeing his father cry, but Adam’s heartfelt words were more than he could stand against and his resolve not to cry at his homecoming crumbled. When Joe was released by Adam, Hoss shook his head and handed over five dollars to Adam making Ben frown and then ask even though he knew the answer.

“You bet on your brother’s homecoming?”

“Only that he wouldn’t or would cry. I told Adam he wouldn’t. I said he woulda spent the last week getting ready for this so he wouldn’t. Adam said none of that mattered, and he would cry when he got home with us.”

Ben shook his head, but Joe laughed as Adam grinned a little sheepishly and Hoss looked like a schoolboy caught in a prank. Some things never changed it seemed. However some things did change. While hugging Adam, Joe realized how thin he was. Now looking at him, he could see that he was noticeably pale for him and had those dark circles under his eyes. Aware of Joe’s scrutiny, Adam tried to deflect it.

“So, you’ve been gone a year. What did you bring us?”

“Adam!”

“Pa, you know he brought us something. Right, Joe?”

Shrugging, Joe looked to his father. “You know how he’s always right, Pa.”

They got one of the hands to take care of Cochise so the family could go inside. Hop Sing was ready with refreshments and they sat by the fireplace so that they could reconnect. It felt so good to be together again, they didn’t want to be apart for any reason no matter how good it was. Joe opened his saddlebags then to pull out two items. The first was a small bundle of kindling tied with an intricate series of knots.

“You taught me how to tie most of those, Pa, and Adam taught me how to tie a few too. I remember when you tried to use kindling to teach me that we were all so much more when we were together. I thought I understood it, but I didn’t really until I was out there alone and none of you were close enough to call on to back me up. It really does make you feel a lot smaller when you are truly alone. I will never forget that lesson again. I know now that I need all of you to be more than I am alone.”

Next, Joe pulled an ugly stone from the saddlebags and revealed that it had been sawn in half. He handed it to Hoss who took it and opened it to reveal the beautiful crystal inside. Hoss’ mouth literally dropped open and his eyes opened wide in wonder at the beauty revealed. “Something ugly happened here last year, but from it, some good came. There’s always good in the world even in hard times if you look for it. Hoss, you always tried to teach me that, and the first time I ever saw one of those, I thought of you.”

Both Ben and Adam moved over to the settee to get a better look at the geode in Hoss’ hands. It truly was a work of art made by nature that no one would have ever suspected from the ugly outside surface. While they looked at that, Joe pulled a coin from his vest pocket and when Adam turned back to look at him, he handed the coin to his oldest brother.

“A poor apology is worse than none at all, and in the past, I gave you poor apologies. Mostly I insulted you with my apologies because even though I always said I was sorry, in my heart, I blamed you for any trouble between us. I was laying the blame on you for what I did. Well, I’ve learned a few things in the year I’ve been gone and I had to stand alone. I still did some of the same things I did before only I didn’t have you to blame. I knew then who was at fault for those choices I was making. I had to learn to accept that what happened was my responsibility and that it was my fault that you were hurt. I was the one who left the fork clamped to the work bench. I was the one who shoved you into it because I was angry and frustrated. The things you said to me were in anger, but they were true too, and I didn’t want to accept that. I wanted you to shut up because I didn’t want to hear what you were saying. Well I shut you up, but I truly never meant to hurt you and I had no idea you were hurt. I was so focused on myself that I didn’t pay any attention to you. I pledge to you now that I will do my best to control my temper and listen when you have something to tell me even when it’s something that’s hard for me to hear.”

“Thank you, Joe. I’ll try to talk to you without letting the anger guide what I say. I held back too long on being honest with you because I was worried about how you would react, and that only made things worse. I was foolish in that regard because I only made it more likely that I would get the response I didn’t want.”

“So, we’re good now?”

“We’re good now. I guess we could have learned sooner, but that’s not how it works. Wisdom always comes at the end.”

“We are quite a pair, aren’t we? It’s why I gave you the coin I gave you. If you look closely at it, you’ll see it’s a special one.”

Looking at the coin, Adam saw that it had been double stamped. He smiled as Joe explained that he had seen it in a poker game and thought about Adam when he did. He won that coin and had saved it thinking he would give it to him when he saw him again. “Two on the same one. That’s appropriate. Thank you. Now there’s just one more thing. This is your home. Please don’t leave again. It’s been a rough year here too with you gone.”

“All right, but it’s your home too.”

“I know.”

Hoss and Ben were grinning so Joe had to ask why.

“Adam spent his money he saved up for traveling to send all those telegrams out looking for you and to pay rewards for folks to get you to pick ’em up. He’s decided he didn’t need that money anyhow.”

“Really?” Looking at Adam, Joe was incredulous.

Adam simply shrugged. “I still plan to take some trips and a few might be lengthy, but no, I’m not leaving. I’ll always come back.”

“I’ll hold you to that.”

“I keep my promises, Joe.”

“I know you do. It tells people what your character is despite your many flaws.”

“Joseph!”

Hoss started laughing, Adam grinned, and Joe giggled as Ben raised his eyes to heaven and shook his head. “I guess I prayed for this.” He watched though as Adam ate a doughnut and drank coffee seeming not to have a problem. He knew then that Joe being home was the last of the healing that needed to take place. The three brothers continued to talk and jibe each other as Ben leaned back and enjoyed the normal family time.

Tags:  Adam Cartwright, Ben Cartwright, ESJ, Family, Hoss Cartwright, Joe / Little Joe Cartwright, SAS