Summary:  Sometimes a boy’s ears can come in handy.
Rating:  K  5,930 words

I never liked my ears much cause I reckon they’re too big for my head. Pa always said that I’d grow into em, but I don’t know bout that. I sure haven’t grown into em yet! One thing’s fer sure … they sure are useful to hear things with, being so big and all. I can even waggle my ears when I put my mind to it. Adam says it looks bad when I do that, but I don’t care. I tell him that it’s better to have big ears than be losing your hair like I reckon he’s doing. It’s getting thinner on top nearly every week and he’s only real young yet. He don’t like it when I say that, so I say it a lot just to make him mad.

I’m real good at hearing things. A fellar can hear lots of things with ears as big as mine, specially when he gets into the right place at the right time. Folks jest naturally talk more when they think a fellar ain’t listening, so I’m real good at pretending that I ain’t listening. A fellar can hear lots of great things when he ain’t listening. Sometimes the things ya hear are good to know and sometimes they are right useful too. Sometimes they ain’t that useful now, so it’s best to just remember em for the future. And even sometimes they can get a fellar into trouble and get his butt tanned. That’s why it’s sure important to not get caught at listening.

Pa says some real interesting things sometimes when he thinks that I’m not listening. Like the other day when we was in town and he was talking to Sheriff Coffee. Sheriff Coffee is just about Pa’s best friend I reckon and they play chess a lot. Anyways, this day I was with Pa when he stopped to talk to the sheriff. I went to try out my swinging while they was talking. I’m good at swinging round the hitching rails, specially when there ain’t no horses there to use up all the space. What Pa don’t know is that my ears still work real good when I’m swinging and even when I end up hanging upside down, so that’s a useful thing.

This particular day, Pa and the sheriff was talking bout the men who’d been busy robbing all the banks around the area. Sheriff Coffee told Pa bout how the posse hadn’t done caught up with em yet. He stopped and looked at me, but Pa shook his head cause he done thought that I weren’t listening. Then the sheriff told Pa all bout where he thought the men might be and that was real handy to know. Sheriff Coffee reckoned that they were gonna get a new posse organised and Pa said that he would get my brothers Adam and Hoss to be on it.

I got real excited when I heard that and that’s when I forgot to keep my mouth shut bout hearing them things. I stopped swinging and asked Pa why I couldn’t go too iffen the men were real close to Bluff Peak like Sheriff Coffee done said? I said that it weren’t too far to ride for me, cause I done rode that far lots of times. Sheriff Coffee gave Pa a real strange look then and Pa straight away pulled me off the hitching rail and gave me a smack on my butt.

Sheriff Coffee then told me not to tell anyone bout the men being at Bluff Peak. As if I would! I’m not stupid like some people think and I told him I wouldn’t tell no one. I didn’t tell him that I’d only tell my best friend Mitch but, cause I didn’t want no sheriff stopping us from going up there to see them bank robbers and catch em ourselves. There are some things ya jest don’t tell grownups. Anyways, Mitch and me never got the chance to go, cause that darned old posse went and caught em first. That was a real shame, so Mitch and me is hoping that the bank will get robbed again real soon.

I like Sheriff Coffee and I sometimes go and visit him in his jail when me and Pa is in town. One thing I don’t understand bout Sheriff Coffee but, is that he always calls me son when he ain’t my Pa. I don’t mind but. He lets me talk to all the men in the cells iffen I stand away from the bars. They’ve got some really interesting stories to tell sometimes and a fellar can learn lots of swear words iffen he listens real hard. Swear words are good to remember, cause you never know when you’ll need em to impress people with.

I was impressing some of my friends with these good swear words the other day, but I didn’t listen too hard when I was saying em and old Jonesy … that’s my teacher, Miss Jones … well she come sneaking up on me from behind and pulled me by my ear. She got a real good grip on it too. I ended up inside the schoolhouse with her while everyone else was playing, but that turned out not to be a bad thing cause I heard lots of things that she was saying under her breath while she was writing in that book of hers.

She told me to clean all the blackboards and she didn’t seem to think that I could listen while I was doing it. I didn’t tell her no different but, cause she started writing in that dumb poetry of hers in her book and whenever she does that she gets all carried away with writing poetry and stuff. Me and Jonesy get to spend lots of time together at lunchtimes cause I’m in trouble lots from her. That’s how I know so much bout what she does in there. She has this big book of poetry and she usually writes in it while I’m doing chores for punishment.

I always listen cause a fellar never knows when it might be about Adam. Old Jonesy usually writes all this soppy stuff and sometimes she talks bout Adam under her breath. Calls him her true love and her knight in shining armour and soppy stuff like that. I sure don’t like them words she uses, but they’re darned useful fer making Adam get real mad when I wanna get him back fer something.

Adam is like that with lots of women. They all like him. I like to listen when he is courting girls … and he courts a lot of girls! It’s real interesting to learn them words what he uses … like sweetheart and gorgeous and stuff. I remember em to tell em to Hoss cause he don’t know lots of them courting words and it helps him when he’s practising to talk to girls like what Adam does.

Hoss needs lots of practise. I know, cause I listen to him too. He usually does his practising in the barn where he thinks no one can hear, but what he don’t know is that a fellar can hear real good when he goes up into the loft and leaves the door open. It’s real funny to listen to Hoss practising talking to girls cause he uses words that are real strange. Sorta like he’s talking to horses instead of girls. He calls em fillies. I try to help him out sometimes by telling him the words that Adam uses. One day I done forgot but and yelled one of em out from where I was hiding in the loft. He pounded me good that time and then I hadta find a new hiding place after that.

I’m good at finding hiding places. A fellar hasta be good at it iffen he’s gonna hear the best bits of what people say. There’s a real good place outside the bunkhouse where one of the wooden planks is missing a bit and I’m just small enough to fit in there and hear. It’s a good place for hearing lots of swear words too, just like the jail.

Some of the ranch hands talk about women too, but they use words that Adam don’t use when he’s talking to em. They do talk bout goodtime girls and I reckon they’d be girls who like to have a good time doing things like a fellar does … fishing and hunting and such-like. I told Pa once that I was gonna take up with a goodtime girl when I was grown up, but he pointed his finger at me and said that I’d be the death of him one day! He asked me where I heard that word and I told him that I’d heard it from the ladies talking after church on Sunday. He went real red then and never said nothing else. He never asked me again who really said the word, so I might have to ask Adam what it means instead one day. I don’t think that Hoss will know, cause he don’t know many girls to talk to. He just knows how to look at em all soppy-like.

After church is a real interesting time to listen too. Everyone thinks I’m real sociable cause I walk round the yard smiling at everyone while they’re talking. But what they really don’t know is that it’s real easy to hear things when they forget a fellar is there. Lots of the women like me and pat me on the head. They usually say to run along dear jest when they get to the interesting bits, but if a fellar pretends that he hasta to check his boots are on properly before he leaves, then it’s usually easy to hear what they’re saying before having to walk away. There’s so many interesting things to learn after church … much more interesting than what a fellar can learn inside church.

Like last Sunday. I learnt that Mrs Henderson don’t keep her house very clean, that Mr Abbot is beginning to drink too much, that Mary Mason is expecting (don’t know what she’s expecting but I aim to find out), that old man Bridey ain’t as spry in the bedroom as he used to be according to old Mrs Bridey (I’ve seen him and I reckon he ain’t very spry anywhere so I don’t know why she’s talking about just one room but), that three girls are real keen on my brother Adam and that lots of people think that old Jonesy shouldn’t be allowed in the choir no more. I woulda heard more, cept Pa made me come away before they said other interesting things. Pa don’t understand just how much a fellar can hear. I told Hoss that he should try it too cause it’s real fun, but he weren’t interested. He was too busy standing and looking at Annabel Frith with a soppy look on his face.

My brother Hoss can be funny that way. He gets set on something and you can’t tell him no different. Like when he made up his mind to learn poker real well. Adam gave him lessons, but he wouldn’t teach me too cause Pa said that I’m too young. I ain’t though, cause I learnt real well just by listening when Pa thought I was reading a book. As if I’d read a book right the way through!

Books can be real handy but if you’re wanting to hear something. A fellar can hide behind the pages of a book and look like he’s real interested in it and other people forget that he’s there. That’s happened to me a few times. Pa and Adam talk a lot about the ranch and sometimes I can hear things that is gonna happen round here before they happen. The ranch hands think I’m real clever cause I know stuff before they do. I make lots of money that way … by betting them about what’s gonna happen before it does.

When Pa remembers I’m there he usually sends me up to bed, but that don’t matter cause I can hear nearly as well from the top of the stairs. There’s a spot where no one can see you if they’re sitting near the fireplace, but you gotta move real quick iffen they get up and move over to Pa’s desk cause they can see you from there. A couple of times I’ve had to pretend that I was having a nightmare and was coming downstairs to calm down when Pa saw me. A fellar has to think real quick iffen he’s gonna be a good listener.

Hoss don’t think too quick when he’s telling Pa lies bout where he’s been. I keep telling him that he has to be better at it, but he don’t seem to be able to get the hang of it. I was sitting on the top of the stairs once when I heard him lying to Pa about where he’d been. He’s been trying to practise his poker in the Silver Dollar saloon and I reckon that Pa shouldn’t blame him for that, but he seems to prefer it when Hoss don’t tell him the truth bout where he’s been. Iffen Hoss could just think real quick like I can then there wouldn’t be a problem, but Hoss isn’t fast at it and by the time he’s thought of what to say, Pa’s already cottoned on. It don’t help neither when he has a beer, cause Pa can smell that on his breath.

I know all about beer. There’s a good spot right outside the Silver Dollar where you can sit so’s you don’t get hit by the doors when they swing outwards if someone leaves real quick. It’s a good spot for hearing all the talk inside and sometimes it’s a good spot for picking up more of them swear words too.

Anyway, I know that beer makes it hard for people to talk good, cause when they drink it their voices go all slurry. It’s like they forget how to talk proper. Lots of men go inside that saloon including both my brothers. They like to drink in there, but they also like to kiss girls … at least Adam does. Hoss just does more of his practising of how to look at em all soft-like. Adam usually whispers to em in their ears while he’s smooching on their necks, so it makes it awful hard for a fellar to hear the words he’s using. I’ve thought about asking him to speak up, but he’d probably just pound me iffen I did.

My brothers are both real good at pounding me when they think I’ve been listening to em, so it’s important not to let on that I have been. I don’t let on to Pa neither, cause he’s says it ain’t polite to listen to what other people say. I don’t know about it being polite, but it sure is interesting.

Pa uses some real interesting words sometimes, but sometimes they’re too big for me to understand. Like when he’s talking to Adam. My brother Adam is real smart and he uses a lot of big words all the time. I reckon he just does it to show off but. Except for when he’s been a long time in the Silver Dollar Saloon. Him and Hoss forget how to talk properly then like all them other men and they have words that get all wobbly. Pa gets real mad when that happens. I know cause I’ve heard him tell them. He usually yells at them then, so it’s not hard to hear at all at those times even though he sends me outside when he yells at em. Sometimes he does his yelling at em when I’m in bed, but I can sit on the top of the stairs when that happens and have a real good listen.

Sometimes its real interesting what my family talks about at the dinner table. I used to hide underneath when I was little and listen from down there, but I’m too big now and my feet stick out. Sides, they usually start talking bout interesting things in the middle of a meal and a fellar can’t really just slide off his chair and pretend not to be there when that happens.

Best thing I’ve found to do is to just sit there real quiet-like and hope that they forget I’m about when they talk about things I’m not supposed to hear. Sometimes that works, but then they usually remember and stop when Pa nods at me. Best thing to do then is to just hum softly under my breath and get a faraway look on my face like I’m thinking bout something else. Sometimes that works and they talk for a bit more, but sometimes Pa just tells me not to hum at the table and they stop. Sometimes I just put my head down and look like I’m thinking about my food or something.

Pa and my brothers used to spell things out when they didn’t want me to hear what they was talking about, but since I got older they mostly don’t do it so much. I reckon they’ve figured out that I can spell a lot of words now. A fellar just naturally learns a thing or two from sitting in school all that time, even when he don’t want to. Sometimes they still spell some words but and I have to concentrate real hard to work out what the words are. I’ve got a good memory, so if I don’t know what the words mean then I just remember the letters for later and look them up in the dictionary.

Pa says he’s right proud of me when I read the dictionary, cause I’m trying to improve my vocabulary. He don’t know that I’m just trying to find out what they’ve been talking about but. Anyways, I like reading the dictionary sometimes cause you don’t have to read it one page at a time and go right from the front to the back, and also there’s some rude words in there too. The Bible has rude words in there too, but Pa hasn’t worked that one out yet cause he keeps making me read it every Sunday night.

Talking about words …. Hop Sing always says right interesting words, but mostly in Chinese. I’ve been listening to him speak Chinese for as long as I can remember, but when he remembers that I can understand him he don’t talk that much in it. Mostly he forgets but, so I can get a good idea about what he’s thinking. Pa and Adam and Hoss don’t understand him much at all, so I’m the only one who can tell what he’s saying when he ain’t happy bout something.

Pa thinks that Hop Sing and me get on better than anyone. We don’t really … I mean we like each other and all … but it’s just that he tells me things without knowing it and Pa thinks that I just know em naturally. Sometimes Hop Sing looks at me funny when I say things about what he’s said, so I’ve got to try and remember not to say things back to him …. especially in Chinese. I don’t know why Pa and Adam and Hoss don’t talk no Chinese, cause it’s easy to understand for me and Hop Sing. You only gotta listen good to learn it. I reckon that’s cause their ears aren’t as big as mine.

Hop Sing usually says polite things when he talks English, but he says real rude things when he talks in Chinese. Funny how he does it but, cause he says em when he’s still smiling, and Pa and Adam and Hoss don’t know the difference. He’s funny like that.

Pa thinks that I don’t know what he’s talking about sometimes, like that time a while back when I was sick and Doc Martin came to visit. They musta thought I was asleep, cause they talked about a lot of things while they was standing near the window in my room. First they started talking about me, and then they laughed and talked about Pa and how he used to be a skirt-chaser in his younger days. I weren’t sure what that meant, so I opened my eyes and asked him. Pa went all red and told me to go to sleep, so I reckon I’ll have to ask Adam bout that one. I dunno why my Pa would want to chase skirts, but I reckon that Adam will know. Maybe he can explain to me how skirts can move all by themselves too.

Ladies like to chase my Pa, but they don’t chase him with their legs … they chase him with their faces. I’ve seen em and I’ve heard em too when they thought I wasn’t listening. They call him a poor dear man when he ain’t listening to em and they sigh lots when they look at him. I reckon there’s a lot of women would like to be my Ma. They always pat me on the head and tell me that I’m a poor little thing. I don’t reckon I am but, so they don’t know nothing.

Anyways, Pa don’t wanna get married again. I know cause I heard him tell my Ma that. He didn’t really tell my Ma cause she’s dead, but he pretends like they can still talk and he goes down to her grave by the lake and has conversations with her there. Sometimes he lets me listen, but then at other times he sends me off to pick flowers for her grave so that he can have the interesting bits of the talk. I’m good at picking the flowers quickly and then hiding behind the trees so that I can hear what he’s talking about to her. Lots of times it’s all about what he’s gonna do with me. Don’t know why he don’t know what to do with me. I could give him lots of ideas iffen he’d ask me. I’d tell him to take me fishing more and not make me go to school.

Trees are real useful places down by the lake to hear lots of things … not just Pa talking to my Ma. We had a picnic once a while back and I climbed a tree and had a real good listen to Adam and a girl who was lying underneath it. That girl was one soppy girl, I can tell you! Oh Adam! Oh Adam! She went on and on like that until I thought of dropping down on top of her and squashing her to shut her up. I didn’t though, cause I would have ended up being the one being squashed by my brother Adam iffen I’d done it.

I thought at one stage that Adam was hurting her, the way she was carrying on, but when I looked down between the leaves he weren’t do nothing to her cept kissing her on her neck. Soppy girl!

Girls can be like that. I can’t stand girls much and it ain’t much use listening to em cause they usually don’t say nothing interesting at all. I know, cause I tried listening. There’s a spot behind the outhouse where a fellar can hear lots of what they talk about where they’re sitting under the trees at school, but they mostly just giggle is all. Waste of time!

Grown up girls are different though. They talk a lot and when they ain’t giggling they sometimes have lots worth listening to. Like the time I was sitting in Doc Martin’s office waiting for Pa to come out. Pa had forced me to go and see the Doc, even though I weren’t sick or nothing. My Pa’s funny like that cause he always makes me see Doc Martin even when there’s no need to.

Anyways, Pa and the Doc was having a talk in his office. They closed the door when Pa sent me out, which told me that whatever they hadta talk about was gonna be real interesting. Well blow me down if two girls didn’t come walking into that office just as I was about to put my ear to the door and have a listen. I wasn’t real pleased, cause I really wanted to find out what Pa and the Doc was saying, but I couldn’t with those girls there so I just sat down again and gave them angry looks so that they knew they’d done the wrong thing by coming in.

They didn’t seem to care, so I just looked out of the window instead, pretending like I wasn’t listening to em at all. That’s when I heard an interesting thing. They started to talk in real soft voices, but my ears could still hear em of course. I’ve found out that iffen a fellar sits real still and concentrates he can hear more than if he moves around. Anyways, these two girls started talking about Mary Mason being expecting (I nearly turned around and told em that I already knew that, but I didn’t cause that would have stopped em talking) and then they said how shocking it was.

I don’t know why Mary Mason expecting is shocking, but I’d sure like to know what that darned old thing she’s expecting is. Must be something real bad to make everyone carry on so about it. I might just ask her next time I see her in the street.

Then they started talking bout how they’d never find themselves in that position. I snuck a look over my shoulder when they said that, cause I wanted to see what position they was in, but they was both just sitting down so I don’t know what they were on about then.

Later on when Pa and me was going up the street to the bank, I asked him what Mary Mason was expecting that was so bad, but he just went red and asked me where I’d heard that. Now I didn’t wanna let on my secret bout how I listen, so I just shrugged and said oh, around. Pa said it weren’t none of my business and that I shouldn’t listen to other people’s gossip. Pa don’t seem to understand that it’s real interesting to listen but. I mean, how is a fellar sposed to find out anything if he don’t listen? Sure as heck that his family ain’t gonna tell him these things.

Pa sure tells Mr Bristol lots of things but. Mr Bristol works in the bank and Pa is always going in there to talk to him. It’s mostly boring stuff about money, but this one day Pa said something real interesting when I was sitting next to the door waiting for him.

Sitting near the door in the bank can be real useful, cause it’s easy to look out of the window while I’m waiting for Pa and pretend that I’m interested in the people going past in the street. But what’s really interesting is listening to what the people inside the bank is saying to the bank tellers. It’s all about how much money they gotta pay on their land taxes and how much they owe the bank and stuff like that. Some people is real poor and that’s kinda sad.

It’s interesting when some people talk about how much money they’ve got in the bank too. I told Pa once how much money old Mr Bridey had and Pa gave me a tanning, so I don’t tell him no more how much anyone has. Pa said that other people’s money is no business of ours, but I reckon it’s still real interesting to know how much they got. Sometime I look at people in church when I’m sposed to be praying and think about how much money they’ve got.

Anyways, one day there weren’t no one else in the bank and I could hear Pa and Mr Bristol talking in his office cause the door was a bit open. Pa was worried about something called an overdraft and Mr Bristol was telling him that it would all work out. I kinda felt a bit sorry for my Pa then, cause he shouldn’t have to worry bout money. I offered him some of my allowance when we came out of the bank and he looked at me real funny when I said that. I thought he was gonna cry or something or at least give me a tanning for listening when I shouldn’t have been, but he patted me on the head and said I was a good boy. There’s no figuring my Pa sometimes!

Another good place for listening in town is the barbershop. Now don’t get me wrong … I hate having haircuts, but at least the one good thing about it is listening to Sam the barber after mine is cut and Pa or Adam or Hoss is having theirs. Pa says there’s something about a barber’s chair that makes a man open up and I reckon he’s right. I’ve learned some real interesting things in that shop!

Like about Ross Marquette. Him and Adam was having haircuts one day after Adam had made me have one. They was talking to the barber bout how Ross was getting married to his girl Delphine. Adam was gonna be best man at the wedding and they was having a joke about something called a honeymoon. I think that’s where the people who get married go off fishing or something for a while.

Anyways, they musta forgot I was there, cause I was being real quiet in the corner. Suddenly Adam looked at me in the mirror and went all red. Then they all stopped talking. I asked him on the way home what they was talking about cause there were some words they used that I didn’t understand, but he just told me not to mention it or he’d pound me. My brother Adam gets real moody sometimes. I tried looking those words up in the dictionary later, but I musta spelt em wrong cause they weren’t there.

I listen to Adam and Hoss sometimes at night when I’m supposed to be in bed and they’re in Adam’s room talking. Adam’s room is right across the hall from mine, so iffen I’m careful and just leave the door open a little bit I can hear real well. They mostly talk about boring stuff and sometimes I fall asleep when they do, but every now and then they’ll talk about something that is real interesting to hear. A fellar never knows when that will be, so I have to make sure that I listen every time just in case.

One night Hoss was asking Adam about when might be the best time to talk to Pa about something. I don’t know why he was asking Adam, cause everyone knows that I’m the best one at getting Pa to do what I want, but he did anyway. I think that Hoss was real worried about something he’d done and I never found out what it was, cause Adam went and shut his door just when they got to the interesting bit. I crawled out to the hall and listened at the door, but I found out that night that Adam’s door is real thick and it’s real hard to hear anything through it.

Anyways, Pa came up when I was still lying there and he was all set to be real angry with me. That’s when I pretended that I’d had a bad dream and had been sleepwalking or something. I made myself look all confused and told Pa that I didn’t know how I ended up lying out there on the hall floor and Pa got all concerned about me. He carried me back into bed and stayed with me until I fell asleep, which was real irritating cause that meant that I missed out on Hoss’ problem what he was discussing with Adam. Pa also made me go and talk to Doc Martin the next day about my sleepwalking, so I had to make up all sorts of thing about it to keep him happy. One good thing but, was that I missed out on a day of school cause of going to see the Doc.

I’m happy to miss school whenever I can. I don’t like it much cause of Jonesy, but also cause the work is real boring. Pa says I’m lazy at school, but that’s only cause old Jonesy tells him that. She don’t know nothing about what I am, so I wish she’d mind her own business! Someone should tell her it ain’t polite to mind other people’s business.

Pa sometimes comes up to the school to have a meeting about me with old Jonesy. Sometimes they make me listen to it, but mostly they make me go outside. There’s a good spot just near the coat-racks at the back of the schoolhouse where it’s easy to listen but, and I can usually get in there and make out what they’re saying. Jonesy tells all sorts of lies about my behaviour and all, and Pa believes her. He asks her for advice about how to handle me, and she gives him a lot of it. She tells him that I need a woman’s influence in our house which is not right, cause I know that I don’t. I reckon that’s just her way of telling Pa that she’d like to be that woman in our house getting married to Adam.

I told Pa that once when he told me that was gonna tan my butt after listening to her lies, but he didn’t listen. He don’t know how mean old Jonesy can be and specially when she’s got her hooks into Adam. I like it when Pa ain’t around and Adam has to come to the school to talk to Jonesy about me, cause I like to see him squirm. He still gets angry with me for whatever I’ve done, but at least I know that he’s being punished too by having to go and talk to her. I listen to their talks about me too when they don’t know that I am, but they mostly end up being about her. She talks a lot about how good she is at all sorts of things and Adam just usually sits there looking a bit sick and trying to change the subject back to me. She usually won’t let him but.

So you can see from all what I’ve said that if you ever want to find out what’s happening round here, then I’m the one to ask. I know most things and what I don’t know I can always find out. I’m happy to oblige in that way, cause it’s easier for me than other people on account of having such big ears. And it’s real interesting finding out too. Feel free to ask me anytime about something and I’ll make it my business to find out fer you. I don’t ever mind …. honest I don’t!  In fact, it’s kinda fun if ya know what I mean.

The End