Summary:    The ever-helpful Cartwrights come to the aid of studio executives who need to develop a special episode for Sweeps Week.

Rated PG-13 (or whatever the Brand equivalent is)   Word count: 3,175

Studio Executives Series:

The Real History of “The Crucible”
Little Joe Cartwright’s Very, Very, Very Bad Day
The Roberts Dilemma
A Ponderosa Christmas . . . Or Maybe Not
Men of the Ponderosa:  A Valentine’s Day Treat
On the Other Hand
Fake History
A Sharp Idea
Negotiating Clingers, Going Natural, and the Big-Ticket Item

 

                   Little Joe Cartwright’s Very, Very, Very Bad Day

 

For those who like to keep track, these are the episodes referenced in this story: Ride the Wind; The Secret; The Trap; Alias Joe Cartwright; Mark of Guilt; Something Hurt, Something Wild; Emily; My Brother’s Keeper; Second Chance; Forever; The Gift; The Power of Life and Death; A Nice, Friendly Little Town; The Crucible; A Time to Step Down; A Matter of Circumstance; The Fighters; The Spitfire.

Little Joe Cartwright’s Very, Very, Very Bad Day

Scene:        The Cartwrights’ living room

Present:     Ben Cartwright, Adam Cartwright, Hoss Cartwright, Little Joe Cartwright, Candy Canaday, Jamie Hunter Cartwright, Studio Executive #1, Studio Executive #2, Studio Executive #3

SE#1:         Like I said, fellows, we need your help.

BEN:          Of course, Phil. If there’s anything we can do, we’ll be happy to help. That’s the Cartwright way.

SE#2:         We were hoping you’d say that, Ben. See, here’s the problem. This is Sweeps Week, and—

ADAM:     Wait a minute. (gesturing to Jamie and Candy) Who are these people?

JOE:           Your replacements, kind of.

ADAM:     I got replaced by some red-haired kid?

SE#3:         Not exactly. You were replaced by Candy here. Things were just a little too snug with Ben and two sons. We needed a third to add a new dynamic.

BEN:          And to give the rest of us a break. Being the main character in one episode out of three was a lot more work than if it’s one out of four.

HOSS:        You can say that again. Anyway, what’s Sweeps Week?

SE#1:         It’s when the networks try to boost their ratings by pulling out their meatiest stuff.

JOE:           (to Candy) You got any idea what he’s talking about?

CANDY:   Nope. (to Jamie) What about you? You kids are always supposed to be up on the latest thing.

JAMIE:     No idea. But hey, we got plenty of meat right here on the Ponderosa. Cattle all over the place. Is that what he means?

SE#3:         I gotta get over to I Dream of Jeannie. Can we just focus for a minute?

BEN:          Of course we can. (glares at his sons and Candy) What do you need for us to do?

SE#1:         Well, it’s like this. You know how the ratings always go up whenever Little Joe is hurt or in trouble or anything like that.

ADAM:     Ratings?

SE#2:         People who like watching you.

HOSS:        They like us? Ain’t that nice. I thought they just liked the pretty scenery. It’s in living color, y’know.

CANDY:   Of course it is. What are you gonna do, paint the trees gray?

ADAM:     Some places do. The folks over at Gunsmoke lived in a gray world for a lot of years.

JAMIE:     Sounds like a mighty peculiar place.

SE#2:         It’s a different network.

SE#3:         Guys, come on! Can we just stay on topic for five minutes?

JOE:           You don’t have to yell. Pa, tell him not to yell.

BEN:          Settle down, Joseph. Now, Phil, you were talking about Joe getting hurt or in trouble.

SE#1:         Exactly. Whenever we have those big dramatic episodes with Little Joe, the fan mail is up for weeks afterward.

SE#2:         So we figured that for Sweeps Week, we’d just combine a whole bunch of the best stuff in one episode. We’re gonna call it Little Joe Cartwright’s Very, Very, Very Bad Day.

SE#3:         Genius, right?

BEN:          I don’t understand. What do you propose to do to him?

SE#1:         Everything! We figure we can re-use some of the greatest hits, as we call them. Maybe even make it a two-part episode, like we did with the one about the Pony Express.

ADAM:     The Pony Express?

JOE:           You weren’t here for that one. It was good, though. I got to do a lot of riding and shooting and stuff like that.

SE#2:         It was good, but not for the kind of ratings we’re looking for. We figure we’ll start off by having Joe get accused of a crime.

BEN:          Wrongfully accused.

SE#3:         Sure, whatever. We got lots of material to work with. He’s been accused of murder a bunch of times. There was that girl who got shoved off the cliff—

JOE:           (to Candy) Pa thought I knocked her up.

BEN:          Joseph!

SE#2:         And the one who thought Joe killed her husband so he could marry her—

SE#1:         And the one where the guy who looked like him switched clothes so he almost got executed for killing some army guy—

SE#3:         Oh, yeah! The firing squad! That was great stuff. People loved it. Maybe we should try it again.

JOE:           Forget it! I don’t care what you say – I’m not wearing plaid again!

BEN:          Joseph!

SE#1:         What about the one where Hoss was Little Joe’s lawyer, and Hop Sing told everybody about fingerprints and got him off?

ADAM:     Hoss was a lawyer?

HOSS:        I sure was, and I did a danged fine job of it, too. You ain’t the only one with brains. I’m thinking I might start a little law practice on the side in case I get tired of ranching.

SE#2:         Have we done murder too much? Maybe we should accuse Little Joe of a different crime.

SE#1:         We did have that one where the crazy girl accused him of – what exactly was it she was accusing him of?

BEN:          Taking liberties, or trying to. It was never quite clear. The censors, you know.

SE#1:         That’s not a real sweeps kind of crime anyway. But you know what we could do – we could do a combo. Maybe robbery and murder, like the one where Joe’s ex-fiancée was trying to get him to run off with her and she made it look like he had a motive to steal that Wells Fargo shipment and one of the Wells Fargo guys got killed.

SE#2:         A combo would be good. And if we do a double episode, we’ve got around ninety-six minutes. Plenty of time.

JOE:           Just as long as I don’t have to spend the whole episode in jail. That’s really boring.

SE#3:         Oh, don’t you worry about that. We’ll get you out. How else are you going to get wounded?

ADAM:     He’s getting wounded?

SE#3:         Don’t worry, you don’t have to shoot him this time.

ADAM:     (as Joe snickers) Low blow.

SE#2:         But you gotta admit, the wolf bite was a nice touch. Maybe we can find another wolf.

HOSS:        I got knocked out in that episode. You can use that if you want.

SE#2:         Your job is to take care of your little brother after he’s injured. Hey, do we really have to shoot Little Joe again? Isn’t there something else we can do to him?

SE#1:         I agree. The guy’s been shot so many times it’s a wonder he doesn’t leak when he drinks coffee.

JAMIE:     Hey, Joe, how many time you been shot?

JOE:           Heck if I know. Twenty, thirty. They all run together after a while.

CANDY:   And yet he doesn’t have a single scar from any of them.

BEN:          It’s those good strong Cartwright genes.

JAMIE:     Hoss has been shot a bunch of times, too. So has Pa. Maybe I should get shot this time.

SE#3:         There are a lot of folks who’d love that.

SE#1:         We can change it up. The Indians shot Joe with an arrow that time he and Hoss hooked up with that wagon train with the old doctor and the Army guy. Maybe we could do that again.

ADAM:     I don’t remember that.

BEN:          That was after your time.

ADAM:     Sounds like you guys did a lot of interesting stuff after I left.

CANDY:   We had some really good times. Joe even got married for about half an hour.

SE#1:         I almost forgot! We need to break Little Joe’s heart!

SE#2:         You want to kill her or just have her leave town?

SE#3:         I liked that married one, the ex-fiancée. Can we do something with her?

SE#2:         What, like have her come back?

JOE:           (brightening) I could live with that.

BEN:          No. Absolutely not.

JOE:           But, Pa—

BEN:          I said “no.” I know she was mighty pretty, but she lied about you, about your character.

CANDY:   Only because she was still in love with him.

HOSS:        That don’t matter. That gal was a big heap of trouble, and my little brother ain’t goin’ anywhere near her again.

JOE:           (in a whisper to SE#2) You got her number? Her and me’s got some catching up to do.

BEN:          Joseph! I’m warning you!

SE#1:         Let’s see. What else can we do? We get Joe accused of something, he gets shot, there’s a girl who breaks his heart – what else? That’s barely enough for one episode.

SE#2:         We could do all this in the desert. Maybe he’s running away from the accuser in the desert and the girl shoots him.

SE#3:         I like it. Desert episodes are good. Didn’t we do something else in the desert?

HOSS:        The one where Little Joe was getting the white horse for Pa’s birthday. And he smashed my hat at the end. Why’d you do that, anyway?

JOE:           I think I was delirious. That, or your hat looked stupid. I don’t remember.

BEN:          Don’t forget the one where Joe and I were part of a posse to catch a killer, and we were out in the desert. In fact, Joe had to walk across the desert to get help because I got shot. Joe’s not the only one who can get wounded, you know. (blank looks from the others) I’m just saying.

HOSS:        Y’know, I got a question about that one. I don’t mean to be – well, indelicate – but dadburnit, Little Brother, what in blazes was goin’ on with your pants? Toward the end when you fell down, it looked like your junk was gonna break free any minute. I was kinda scared for those fellas who helped you. That coulda been nasty.

JOE:           What can I say? It was a tight pants episode.

CANDY:   You get an awful lot of those. Do these guys pay you extra to show off your cojones?

JOE:           You don’t think I’d do that for free, do you? I get paid for what I show. I’m a businessman.

ADAM:     (under his breath) Or a Chippendale.

JOE:           (ignoring him) I get a bonus, especially if it’s front and back. I don’t give anything away – except to the ladies, of course.

BEN:          Joseph!

ADAM:     (musing) Nobody ever asked me to wear tight pants, even for free.

HOSS:        Reckon there might have been a reason for that, Older Brother?

ADAM:     See? This is why I left. I wasn’t appreciated!

SE#1:         Calm down. You were appreciated. It’s just that your little brother’s fans go nuts – no pun intended – over that kind of thing.

JAMIE:     I’ve heard about back then. Sometimes Joe’s pants looked like somebody was giving him a wedgie, like that time with the woman who thought you killed her husband and his twin brother wanted to kill you. I heard you were standing there in the street with your back to everybody, and –

BEN:          Enough!

JOE:           Truth be told, Jamie, it ain’t always all that comfortable, but the guys here pay extra to keep the lady viewers happy.

HOSS:        Come to think of it, nobody ever asked me to wear tight pants neither.

ADAM:     Reckon there might have been a reason for that, Younger Brother?

CANDY:   Nobody ever asked me, and I’m a better choice than either of you.

HOSS:        Mebbe that’s why Little Joe got shot in the back end – he was showin’ it off too much.

JOE:           Hey! That wasn’t funny! It was two weeks before I could sit a horse!

ADAM:     Maybe the girl should shoot him in the ass when they’re out in the desert. And he could get sand in the wound, and –

JOE:           Pa!

BEN:          You boys settle down. These gentlemen have a lot of work to do.

SE#2:         I got it! Joe gets accused of robbery and murder, and he gets broken out of jail by somebody who wants to kidnap him. They have a girl with them, and Joe falls in love with her, and when he tries to take her and run away across the desert, they both get shot, and she dies and he’s wounded, and just when it looks like he’s really gonna die this time, Ben and Hoss and whoever’s around ride up and rescue him!

SE#3:         Freakin’ brilliant!

SE#1:         You’re a genius!

ADAM:     Whoa, whoa, whoa! “Whoever’s around”? Who’s in this episode, anyway?

SE#2:         What do you care? You’re supposed to be off playing doctor somewhere.

ADAM:     The desert is my thing. Remember The Crucible?

(All groan)

BEN:          (with the kind of extreme patience that shows he’s had to say this many times before) We all remember The Crucible. You were outstanding. Classic drama. Unparalleled in the history of the Ponderosa.

(All nod and make vague noises of agreement. Adam sits back, arms crossed across his chest, satisfied.)

JAMIE:     I heard about that. Didn’t make any sense. Why didn’t you just hightail it out of there when you figured out the guy was loony?

ADAM:     Why, you little – (lunges)

JAMIE:     Pa! He’s strangling me!

CANDY:   That should get some ratings.

HOSS:        (with his own sigh of patience as he yanks Jamie away from Adam) Adam, don’t strangle the kid. (Adam drops back into the blue chair, glaring at Jamie)

ADAM:     Glad I got out of here before this little brat came along.

JAMIE:     So’m I! And I’m not a brat! (sticks out his tongue)

BEN:          Joseph!

JOE:           Hey!

BEN:          Sorry. Force of habit.

CANDY:   Is this what the early years were like?

JOE:           Sometimes. (Hoss raises an eyebrow) Okay, a lot of the time.

CANDY:   I’m glad I missed them.

SE#1:         I still think Little Joe getting shot is kind of cliché. I mean, if there’s anything we’ve done to death, it’s shoot him.

SE#2:         What do you want to do? Stab him?

SE#3:         Drowning might be good. Almost drowning, I mean.

SE#2:         In the desert?

SE#3:         Good point. Hey, what if he got captured by Indians while he was escaping from the kidnappers and they scalped him?

(A collective gasp of horror from everyone)

BEN:          If you touch a hair on my son’s head, there isn’t anyplace far enough or dark enough that I won’t find you.

SE#3:         Don’t try that line on me, Ben Cartwright. I hired the guy who wrote it. Besides, you misquoted. You gotta learn your lines.

SE#1:         You can’t scalp him. Women love that hair. Besides, he’s practically the only one who even has hair.

CANDY AND JAMIE:      Hey!

SE#2:         Calm down. He’s talking about the original bunch. The Hairpiece Brigade.

BEN:          I beg your pardon!

HOSS:        (wearily) Don’t even bother, Pa. Everybody knows.

BEN:          (huffily) I don’t know what you’re talking about. (The rest of them roll their eyes.)

SE#1:         So that’s it, then? We got an accusation, jail, kidnapping, shot or stabbed – we can decide that later – and heartbroken. Whaddya think?

SE#3:         Get him trampled by a horse. That was really good when we did that. Added a lot of drama.

BEN:          Just don’t forget to leave time at the end for my JPM.

JAMIE:     What’s a JPM?

CANDY:   A Joe-Pa Moment. That’s when Ben fusses over Joe after he’s been hurt or whatever.

JAMIE:     He’s never fussed over me. That would be a JPM, too.

JOE:           Don’t even think about it, kid. I talked to Legal a long time ago. The term is trademarked.

JAMIE:     He really is a businessman.

ADAM:     Goes back to that time he decided to make money breaking horses for that guy from My Three Sons – the one who was married to Grandma Walton. He’s never been the same since. I tried to get him to tie my tie once, and he charged me five bucks.

JOE:           When you’ve got a skill or – shall we say, an asset – that other people don’t have, it’s only fair that they should pay when they benefit from it.

HOSS:        So how come when you got me into those prize fights and I got beat up, I never got any of the money?

SE#1:         That’s right! We forgot to get Joe beaten up!

SE#2:         My bad. Let’s have the kidnappers beat him up. He can start getting smart-mouthed with them, and they can beat the stuffing out of him.

ADAM:     Joe getting smart-mouthed? Who could ever imagine such a thing?

JOE:           Shut up!

BEN:          Joseph!

JOE:           But I – oh, never mind.

SE#2:         Is this it, then? Accused, jailed, kidnapped, beaten up, shot, heartbroken, and JPM?

SE#3:         And trampled by the horse. Maybe after he’s been beaten up, when the girl and him are trying to escape, before they’re shot.

SE#2:         Trampled it is. What does everybody think?

ADAM:     I think it’s a good thing I became a doctor. Hey, any chance I can come back and be Doc Martin?

SE#1:         That’s an idea. We’ve already three or four Doc Martins. By this time, you’ve been gone so long that most people probably wouldn’t recognize you.

JOE:           Especially if you lose the rug.

ADAM:     I’ll take off my rug when you stop dying your hair.

HOSS:        Oh, that’d be good. Pa’s youngest would be grayer than he is!

CANDY:   I feel like I’ve missed a lot.

JAMIE:     Me, too. Hey, you want to stream a few old episodes tonight to catch up?

SE#1:         Not yet. Legal’s still trying to work that out. For now, it’s just the DVDs.

JOE:           Tell Legal to get me a final tally on the tight pants episodes. I think you guys gypped me out of a couple of payments.

SE#3:         I’m sure we’re current.

JOE:           Until we know for sure, I’m gonna go put on some nice baggy sweatpants.

SE#1:         (yanking out a checkbook) Not so fast. This Sweeps Week episode is going to need really tight pants. I’m thinking the ones from The Hostage – you know, they looked like were almost painted on? Tell Wardrobe that’s what you’re wearing. And no tighty-whities. You’re going commando.

JOE:           You’d better add another zero to that check.

BEN:          Are we finished here? Because we need to go move cattle around. We’re ranchers, after all.

CANDY:   You got a doctor, a lawyer, and a businessman sitting here. Ben, the only ranchers are you and me.

SE#2:         Fellows, you ready to go? I Dream of Jeannie is waiting.

HOSS:        Mebbe we should ride into Virginia City. We ain’t done that all day.

SE#1:         Yeah, I think we’re good. We’ll get the script over to you by the weekend.

BEN:          Feel free to stop by any time. My home is your home.

HOSS:        (to Joe) Ain’t that what he said to that backwoods old lady who wanted to kill you?

JOE:           Yeah, but with these guys, I guess it’s kinda true. C’mon, Virginia City sounds good. I could use a beer. Maybe some new girls came in on today’s stage. (stands and stretches) Good thing it’s not tight pants day. The boys can use a break.

ADAM:     (as everyone exits) Can we please talk about something else?

CANDY:   Like what? The Crucible?

ADAM:     I’ll have you know I was amazing in that episode. A true tour de force. . . (fade out)

***********

For reasons unknown, Little Joe Cartwright’s Very, Very, Very Bad Day never aired, and the script appears to have been lost. Fortunately, legions of fan fiction writers have stepped in, and the various elements have appeared in dozens of stories. Plus, there are still plenty of tight pants episodes.

 

Tags:  Adam Cartwright, Ben Cartwright, Candy Canaday, Hoss Cartwright, Jamie Hunter Cartwright, Joe / Little Joe Cartwright