Summary: When Little Joe comes up with another one of his infamous “bright ideas”; The Cartwright brothers find themselves in yet another “jam” in this fun-filled Christmas story.

Rated: K (4,410 words)

 

Ho…Ho…Ho…

“Joe, we can’t stay here forever. This is ridiculous!” Hoss spoke in irritation.

“It’s not forever,” Little Joe answered, squirming uncomfortably. “It’s just until I figure a way out of this.”

“We’ve been up here for hours, and you haven’t come up with nothin’ yet!” Hoss growled. “I’m near starvin’ to death!”

“Hey!” Little Joe said excitedly. “I just remembered I’ve got some peppermints in my coat pocket.”

Joe reached inside his jacket and pulled out the small red and white striped bag. He put a few pieces of the candy into Hoss’s right hand; since his left hand was still firmly wedged between his side and the wall of the chimney.

“Adam, you want any?” Joe asked as he munched on a piece.

“No. Thank you,” came Adam’s muffled response. “I don’t think I could swallow upside down.”

“Joe, what time did you say Pa and Hop Sing would be back from town?” Hoss asked, slurping noisily on his candy.

“Hoss, please,” groaned Adam. “Do you have to be so noisy?”
Hoss rolled his eyes and waited for Joe’s answer.

“Well, Hop Sing said supper was in the oven and would be ready by 6:30. Since he said for us to serve ourselves, I’m assuming it won’t be until sometime this evening.” Little Joe replied with a grimace.

Hoss’s, “Dad burn it!” coming through the top of the chimney could be heard clear across the Ponderosa.

5 hours earlier…

Hoss had a cold, or rather was just getting over a cold. He wrapped himself a little tighter in his sweater and headed for the kitchen. He was finally able to breathe through his nose again. For days he had been so stuffed up that he couldn’t even taste all the wonderful food Hop Sing had set before him. Now, that his airways were clear again he decided a tasty pre-lunch snack was in order. He walked into the kitchen and inhaled deeply of the various tantalizing aromas. Hop Sing was making slow roasted ribs and baked beans for supper and the amazing smells as they cooked all day long were enough to drive any of the Cartwright boys crazy, let alone Hoss. He walked into the kitchen and noticed with some disappointment that Hop Sing was there. He had hoped the feisty cook would be out, so that he could sneak a sample or two.

Hop Sing turned from the basket, which he was putting together on the kitchen table, and glanced at Hoss.

“Mr. Hoss need more tea for cold?” he asked, turning his back to the hungry man.

“How’s that?” asked Hoss, shaking his head and tapping at the side of his head with the palm of his hand.

His ears had closed up as a result of his cold and he’d been having some difficulty with his hearing. Little Joe had been having an absolute ball at his expense over the last two days, before Ben had finally put a stop to it.

Hop Sing spun around and spoke louder, “I say, Mr. Hoss need more tea for cold?”

“No, I’m not cold,” Hoss answered.

Hop Sing shook his head and then guessing what the hard of hearing man wanted, handed him a couple of sandwiches from the basket he had been filling.

“Gee, thanks Hop Sing,” Hoss said with a smile. “Where you goin’ with all that food?”

Hoss pointed at the large basket on the table stuffed with all manner of food and drink.

“Cartwrights turn to feed orphans,” Hop Sing replied. “Father and I take basket and other crate in buggy, to them this afternoon.”

“You say it’s for the orphans?” Hoss yelled.

Hop Sing nodded his head and then quickly escorted his loud guest out of the kitchen.

Hoss not being bothered in the least by his abrupt exit, sat at the large dining room table, where he quickly polished off the sandwiches. He was thinking about going back for another when his father walked in.

“Oh, Hoss,” Ben said coming around the corner. “Hop Sing and I are taking the orphans their supper for tonight. It’s our turn for the month of December. Would you like to come along?”

“No, Pa, I don’t know that song,” Hoss said shaking his head.

“Hoss I said would you like to come along, to the orphanage, I mean?” Ben tried again.

“Yes, I’ve seen the orphanage. You know that, Pa,” Hoss answered looking at his father in puzzlement.

Ben sighed in frustration, then nodded at his large son.

“I’ll see you tonight,” he shouted.

Hoss just smiled and gave him a thumbs up.

Ben let out a groan and hurried out the door as Hoss called after him, “Hey, Pa. Where you goin’?”

Adam, who had been sitting in his favorite high backed blue chair reading, rose, and laughing walked over to his brother.

“What’s so funny?” asked Hoss, sensing he was at the butt of the joke.

“Nothing much,” Adam answered still chuckling. “Just your stopped up ears have been making things very amusing around here lately.”

“You’ll have to speak up, Adam,” Hoss stated loudly. “My ears are still stopped up.”

Adam just laughed again and patted his large brother on the back. He picked up the paper his father had left after breakfast and sat down at the table.

The two sat in silence for a moment before Little Joe suddenly burst through the front door, yelling for Hoss. Spotting his older brother, he quickly ran to the table.

“Hoss, guess what?” he shouted.

“What?” asked Hoss, reaching out to calm his brother.

“They chose you!” Little Joe exclaimed, his eyes bright with excitement.

“Who?” Hoss questioned.

“The committee for the orphans Christmas party.” Little Joe answered breathlessly. “Out of all the fellows that put their name in, they chose you to be Santa!”

“That’s funny,” Adam joined in. “After what happened last year, I could have sworn Hoss said he would never play Santa again.”

Hoss, who had been watching Adam intently as he spoke, turned to back to his younger brother.

“Joe,” he yelled. “I didn’t put my name in to be Santa.”

“I know. I did it for you.” Joe answered, smiling nervously.

Adam let out a low whistle and ducked back behind the paper.

“Joseph,” Hoss began, moving menacingly toward his little brother. “I distinctly remember telling you, after I ended up catching fire last year, that I didn’t want to be Santa again. Ever!”

“But, Hoss,” Little Joe said, shrinking under his brother’s fierce countenance. “It’s for the children.”

“Mildred!” roared Hoss. “You mean to tell me you signed me up again just to impress Mildred?”

“No, Hoss,” Joe explained desperately. “The children! I said the children!”

“Little Joe, what are you talkin’ about? Mildred doesn’t have any children!” Hoss was now totally confused.

“Hoss, please try to pay attention…” Little Joe started loudly.
Adam threw the paper onto the table, interrupting Joe, and held up his hands to silence the two.

“Alright, I’m heading out to the barn. You two go to your corners, and when you hear the door slam you may begin round two, he said then headed outside.

Round two did indeed begin as soon as Adam had left, and after about ten minutes of one of the loudest Cartwright shouting matches in history, Hoss finally understood that Joe had signed him up to be Santa so that the two could attend the orphans Christmas party. Apparently there was going to be a whole passel of pretty, young girls there that night; helping to make Christmas special for the children, and Little Joe figured Hoss playing Santa would be a sure fire way to get plenty of attention.

“Dad blame it, Joe. Why didn’t you just sign yourself up?” Hoss questioned in annoyance.

“Me?” Joe squeaked. “Have you seen me? I’m not the right size to be Santa. Now come on, Hoss, be a good sport.”

“I’m sure Adam is taking care of Sport, but we’ve got other chores to do, so come on.” Hoss answered, then marched toward the door grabbing his coat.

Little Joe just shook his head sadly before following his brother out to the barn.

The three brothers, after several unsuccessful attempts at conversation, worked mostly in silence.

“Hey, Hoss, hand me that rake,” Adam said pointing behind his brother.

He sighed and then started laughing when Hoss handed him a hay flake.
Joe joined in on the laughter which only grew louder as Hoss, after giving them an annoyed look, stomped over to the other end of the barn, muttering under his breath.

“Oh Hoss” Adam shouted, when he had stopped laughing. “I just remembered something I tried when my ears got stopped up after swimming one time.”

“What’d you say?” questioned Hoss, holding his hands up to his ears.

“Try plugging your nose and then blowing.” Adam replied, and pinched his nose for emphasis.

Hoss responded to Adam’s gesture, “Don’t worry, it will smell better in here once we get things cleaned up,” he reassured his brother.

Little Joe was now rolling on the ground, his high pitched cackling circulating throughout the barn.

“No,” Adam said in frustration, stepping over Joe’s wriggling body to get closer to Hoss. “Like this.”

Adam motioned for Hoss to copy him and proceeded to again pinch his nose. He then puffed out his cheeks to illustrate to Hoss to blow. Hoss looked mildly confused, but decided to humor his brother.

“Ouch!” he cried, after he had blown, then covered his ears. “That hurt!”

“Well, I would have told you it hurts, but you couldn’t hear me,” Adam mumbled sarcastically.

Hoss suddenly looked up in amazement, “What did you say?” he questioned.

Adam rolled his eyes and started to shout, “I said, I would have told you it hurt, but…”

“No, don’t shout,” Hoss interrupted. “Just talk normal.”

“Oh,” Adam responded, softening his voice. “I said, I would have told you it hurt, but…”

“Hot diggity!” Hoss whooped. “That did it! I can hear! Gee, thanks, Adam.”

Hoss picked up Adam in a big bear hug and squeezed him tightly before dropping him and then running excitedly to Little Joe.

“Glad I could help,” Adam replied sarcastically, gingerly rubbing his crushed ribs.

“Hey, Joe,” babbled Hoss. “Ain’t that somethin’? I can hear again.”

“Great, Hoss, just great,” Little Joe replied slapping his brother on the back. “And just in time to, ’cause we’ve got some plans to talk over.”

Little Joe’s announcement of “plans” was enough to instantly sober Hoss.

“What plans you talkin’ about, Joe?” he questioned hesitantly.

“Plans for you being Santa,” Joe replied with a wide grin. “See we gotta come up with something really great to impress all those young women. Something no one else has done before; something really unusual.”

“And on that note,” Adam said, coming over and laying a hand on each of his brother’s shoulders, “I think I will leave you two delinquents to your scheming and convene inside to meditate on the wisdom of aloof disinterest.”

“Heh, what’d he mean by that?” Hoss asked as Adam turned and sauntered slowly from the barn.

“Ah, don’t mind him,” answered Joe, shooting an irritated glance at his brother’s departing back. “He’s just jealous ‘cause we’re the ones that are gonna be courtin’ all those pretty girls.

“Oh,” Hoss replied. “Now, about all these pretty gals…”

“Exactly,” Joe interrupted. “They’re all that matters…” Seeing the horrified look on Hoss’s face, he quickly amended. “And the orphans, of course. But see I’ve got a plan that will not only make the girl’s go wild, but the kids will be knocked right out of their socks too.”

Hoss could feel himself being dragged once again under the spell of his youngest brother’s silver tongue, and before he knew it he had agreed to Little Joe’s plans.

“So, what do you say, we go practice?” Little Joe suggested when he had finished explaining everything to Hoss in detail.

“Now?” gulped Hoss.

“Sure,” Little Joe answered with enthusiasm. “Our chimney is as good a place as any to practice. You ought to know that, we’ve both been up there plenty of times.”

“Ya,” Hoss tried to reason with Joe. “And I remember what happened every time Pa caught us up there too! ‘Sides it’s been years since we’ve climbed up there. How do you know I’ll still fit?”

“That’s exactly why you should practice,” Joe stated emphatically. “Now, you think of a way to get Adam out of the house and I’ll put out the fire.”

“Me?” Hoss squeaked. “I’m no good at that sort of thing, Joe.”

Joe looked as if he might argue for a minute but then changed his mind,

“No, you’re right. You’d just get him all suspicious. Okay, I’ll get Adam out of the house and you put the fire out. Oh, and maybe you should put on some old clothes. It might be kind of dirty up there.”

Hoss was rapidly beginning to regret having woken up that morning, but he knew there would be no hope of getting Joe to change his mind. He trudged slowly toward the house, wondering if maybe he could somehow secretly tip Adam off before Joe got to him. Adam was great at squelching Joe’s schemes.

His hopes were dashed however, when Little Joe rushed up beside him,

“Okay, I’m all set. I’ll go in the front, and you go through the kitchen door.

Don’t come in until I’ve got Adam out.”

Hoss released a heavy sigh and then dutifully did as his youngest brother suggested.

“All set for what?” he wondered.

Hoss was surprised when after only a few minutes he heard someone running across the floor in the other room and then the front door slam.

“Okay, Hoss, he’s gone,” Little Joe yelled. “You can come out now.”

“How’d you get him out of here so quick?” Hoss questioned, coming in from the kitchen.

“I just told him Sport got out of his stall again.” Joe answered with a mischievous grin.

“Well, that’s only gonna work until he goes out there and sees Sport,” Hoss answered impatiently.

“Oh, Sport’s not out there. I sort of opened the door to his stall.” Joe replied innocently.

“Joe, Adam’s gonna nail your hide to the wall!” Hoss said reprovingly. “The last time Sport got out; it took him nearly two hours to get him back.”

“Well, I can’t help it if his horse isn’t as obedient as the rest of ours,” Joe defended himself. “Now hurry up and go change. Adam might get lucky this time and we don’t want him getting back here before we’re through.

Hoss made his way up to his room and looked around for some old clothes. He knew that whatever he wore was going to end up getting black and he didn’t want to risk upsetting Hop Sing, so he decided to just wear his long underwear. He could wash those out himself easily enough, and if they didn’t come fully clean, No one would ever see them to notice.

Coming down the stairs he heard the fire hiss and sizzle, as Little Joe poured the last of the water from a bucket over the flaming logs. Hoss shivered when he felt the draft coming in through the large chimney; already the large open room was cooling considerably.

“Joe, we best hurry up, or you’re gonna be the one to explain to Pa why it’s colder than the blazes in here.” Hoss said rubbing his arms with his hands.
Little Joe checked over Hoss’s apparel, then smiled approvingly, “Good idea, Hoss,” he said. “Those red long johns will really get you into the spirit of things.”

“That’s not exactly what I had in mind,” Hoss mumbled as he joined his little brother at the fireplace.

The two boys stooped and looked up the long dark tunnel.

“Don’t know what we ever thought was so great about that place when we were kids,” Hoss grumbled.

“Ah, come on, Hoss,” Little Joe answered good naturedly. “Where’s your sense of adventure?”

“Joe,” Hoss answered. “Any sense of adventure I ever had got knocked clean out of me the day you were born.”

“Ha, ha, ha,” Little Joe stated mirthlessly.

“Let’s go on to the back of the house,” he told Hoss. “The ladder should still be against the side of the house from when we replaced those shingles the other day.”

The two brothers made their way to the back of the house and nimbly climbed up the ladder. Hoss was feeling a bit self-conscious about being out in just his underwear, and looked around nervously.

“Joe, I’ve been thinkin’,” said Hoss, “Maybe we could just make a good impression on everybody by dressing up one of the horses like a reindeer or somethin’. This goin’ down the chimney seems plumb dangerous to me.”

“Hoss,” Little Joe sighed in exasperation. “This is no time for thinking. Now is the time for action.”

Little Joe continued to encourage Hoss as he slowly guided him over to the chimney. Hoss looked down the hole and gulped.

“Hey, Joe,” he tried desperately. “I thought you were afraid of heights!”

“Nah,” Joe responded easily. “Pa helped me get over that last summer. Don’t you remember when I climbed up that big rock and I had to save Pa’s life?”

Hoss was now standing up on top of the chimney while Little Joe fastened a rope securely around his waist.

“Oh, yeah,” he grimaced, trying not to look down. “Well, Joe, I hate to tell you this, but I think I’m afraid of heights.”

“Well, then Hoss,” Joe replied seriously. “That’s all the more reason you should do this. I feel it’s my duty as your brother to help you overcome your fears.”

Hoss gave Joe a pathetic look, “That’s real nice of you, Joe.”

“Think nothing of it,” Joe responded and gave him a wink.

Joe finished with the rope and then joined his brother on top of the chimney. Their two faces were a study in contrast. Hoss held an expression of sheer terror; while Little Joe’s was one of maniacal delight.

“Okay, Hoss, when I say three you jump.” Little Joe explained.

“Wha…” Hoss managed to gasp. “Joe you sure…”

“Hoss, just don’t think about it.” Joe replied reassuringly. “Now, ready?”
Hoss nodded his head vigorously.

“One,” Hoss squeaked pathetically as he squeezed his eyes shut tight.

“Two,” His whimpering began to grow louder.

“Three!”

On three, several things seemed to happen at once. First, Hoss in his fright, grabbed Little Joe by the front of his jacket. Second, Little Joe at this unexpected move, jumped suddenly, and third both boys’ screams could be heard for miles, as they fell feet first into the gaping cavernous hole.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Joe?” Hoss’s shaky voice came through in the darkness. “Are we dead?”

“Nope,” Joe squeaked breathlessly. “I’m way too uncomfortable to be in Heaven.”

“Where are we?” Hoss questioned pensively.

“What do you mean where are we?” Joe repeated in exasperation. “We’re stuck in the chimney! Where do you think we are?”

“Well, excuse me all to pieces,” Hoss replied, his own temper starting to rise. “I seem to remember you telling me not to think!”

“Okay, Hoss,” Little Joe yelled. “Just calm down will ya? Maybe we can climb back up.”

“That’s not gonna work, Joe,” Hoss responded. “One of my arms is stuck!”

“Well, that’s just great!” exclaimed Joe. “All right, I’ll see if I can climb out.”
Joe began to struggle and Hoss quickly closed his eyes as a shower of soot came cascading down around them.

“Joe, will you just sit still,” he cried in desperation. “I can’t breathe with all this soot flyin’ everywhere!”

“It’s no use anyway,” panted Little Joe. “I’m stuck solid!”

Hoss sighed, “Okay, man with all the plans. What do you suggest we do now?”

“Look, Hoss,” Little Joe shot back angrily. “How should I know? I’ve never been stuck in a chimney before! I would think you could show a little sensitivity about the kind of situation we’re in!”

“Okay, okay,” Hoss responded soothingly to his brother’s panicked voice. “I’m sorry.”

Just at that moment the two heard sounds from below them as someone entered the house.

“Joseph! I want to talk to you,” came Adam’s hostile voice.

“It’s Adam,” Little Joe hissed.

“Good. Then he can get us out of here,” Hoss replied mimicking Joe’s quieted voice.

“No, Hoss, we can’t tell him we’re up here,” Little Joe continued to whisper.

“He’ll be mad at me because of Sport and he’ll probably tell Pa about us being up here. You know how he is; we’ll never hear the end of it.”

“Joe, Hoss,” they heard Adam shouting again.

Hoss was about to argue with Joe when the sounds they heard next caused them to both go into a state of panic.

“He’s building a fire!” Joe squeaked.

In unison the two cried out, “ADAM!”

They heard nothing for a moment or two and then an exaggerated, “oh, brother!” wafted up to them. Hoss sighed in relief while Little Joe cringed.

“I’m not even going to ask,” he said.

They heard him step up onto the fireplace and then his voice echoed as he called up to them, “Well, I’m not gonna be able to reach you from down here. I’ll try going up on the roof.”

“Good idea, Adam,” Hoss responded. “There’s already a rope up there.”

“Of course there is,” they could hear Adam say as his voice faded away.

“We shouldn’t have told him we were up here,” Little Joe stated in a huff.

“Would you rather we’d been barbequed?” Hoss questioned sarcastically.

In a few moments Adam was peering down at them.

“Hoss, grab hold of the rope and I’m going to start pulling,” came Adam’s muffled voice.

“What did he say?” asked Hoss.

“He said, pull!” Joe shouted.

“Oh,” Hoss replied and then gave a mighty tug.

Seconds later both boys yelped in pain as Adam came crashing down on top of them.

After the soot had once again settled and they were no longer coughing, Adam questioned from his awkward position, “Hoss, why did you do that?”

“You did say to pull, didn’t you,” Hoss replied calmly.

“No, I didn’t say to pull!” Adam replied his voice growing louder.
“I heard you say, pull,” Joe piped in.

“Why would I have said to pull?” Adam questioned heatedly. “Do you think I wanted to end up in here, upside down?”

“Adam, will you stop shouting!” Hoss said angrily. “The echo in here is hurting my ears.”

The three started coughing again as Adam, placing his hands against the sides of the chimney, tried to scoot his way backwards. After three failed attempts he finally settled down with a loud groan.

“Hoss, I’m getting a cramp in my side,” whined Little Joe.

“Yeah, well at least you don’t have Adam breathing down your neck,” he answered unsympathetically.

“Well, excuse me,” came Adam’s irritated response.

Six hours later…

The three miserable brothers gasped in unison when they suddenly slipped downward a few inches, then groaned when they once again became firmly wedged.

“What was that?” Little Joe questioned.

“That’s from me losing weight, we’ve been stuck up here such a doggone long time,” answered Hoss abruptly.

“Hoss, you couldn’t possibly have lost weight in just a few hours,” Adam said in exasperation.

“Oh, no? Well, tell that to my stomach.” Hoss said gruffly.

“Shhh! What was that?” Little Joe questioned suddenly.

The three boys strained to hear and were delighted when they heard the sounds of someone entering the house.

“Boys?” Ben yelled into the now frigidly cold room.

“Pa!” They all shouted at once.

Joe and Hoss began frantically kicking their legs sending a mountain of black powdery soot into the room below them.

“What in the blue blazes?” They could hear their father roaring.

“Now, Pa, we can explain,” Hoss yelled out pathetically. “Can’t we,” he said looking to Little Joe.

“Ya, Pa,” Joe responded with a hysterical chuckle. “We sure can. See it all started…”

“Never mind about that,” came Ben’s booming voice. “There’s time enough for you two nitwits to explain things later. Where’s Adam?”

“Here, Pa,” Adam’s garbled answer made its way through his two firmly wedged brothers’.”

“Adam?” Ben said incredulously.

Ben groaned and headed for the front door, “now I’ve seen everything,” they could hear him muttering.

The boys waited for their father to make his way up the ladder. They heard his ranting long before he reached the chimney, “Of all the dad blamed, stump brained, idiotic…”

Adam sighed deeply as Little Joe and Hoss cringed.

“Now, Adam,” Ben yelled. “I’m gonna put a rope around your leg and pull you out.”

“Right,” Adam yelled his response.

A moment later Hoss felt Adam’s weight coming off of him as he was pulled up.

“I’ll see you two on the other side,” he said with in a menacing tone as he ascended higher.

“Yeah,” Hoss gulped in response.

Adam was near the top when suddenly they heard their father give a loud sneeze and then Adam was once again bearing down on them. This time the force was enough to knock his brothers loose and the three came crashing down onto the logs in the fireplace.

“Adam! Hoss! Joe! Are you all right?” Ben yelled in panic.

Coughs and groans were the only responses that could be heard.

In record time Ben was off the roof and racing through the front door.

“Are you boys alright?” He questioned in concern, rushing over to them.

After thoroughly checking each other over for injuries they found that none of them had acquired anything more serious than a few scrapes, bruises, and some tingling limbs.

They looked up timidly as their father towered over them, his arms crossed intimidatingly across his broad chest.

“Well, what do you have to say for yourselves?” He questioned, his voice low and menacing.

Hoss and Joe looked at each other and then looked to Adam. He rolled his eyes and coughed as soot fell from his hair then looked to his father.

“Ho, ho, ho,” he replied.

 

~The End