Summary:  The loss of Marie has caused Ben to lose his desire for life itself. He has withdrawn from his work, his friends, and most importantly his family. He has taken his anger out in town and now must face the consequences for his actions. Can Roy Coffee and his boys help Ben realize that life is still worth living?

Rating:  K+ (4,820 words)

Shame

“There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief…and unspeakable love.”

Washington Irving
(1783-1859)

 

Ben Cartwright awoke with the sun pouring in through a barred window. For a moment he was disoriented and confused. He struggled with the weight of his eyelids, finally relenting and allowing them to close. The pain he was feeling, both physical and mental, was intense. He struggled to remember…

Suddenly, his thoughts were abruptly interrupted by the sound of keys rattling. Ben begrudgingly opened his eyes to see his friend, Roy Coffee, enter his jail cell.

“I brought you a cup of coffee, Ben,” he simply stated.

The man was barely able to rotate his feet off the end of the cot and position himself wearily at its edge. As he reached for the hot liquid, Roy’s sheriff badge reflected the sunlight. Ben quickly retracted, burying his face in his hands to avoid the brightness.

Roy Coffee looked sadly down. This scene was becoming more and more familiar. He knew his friend was grieving and needed time, but he also knew he had a job do.

“Here you go, Ben. It might help a little,” he prodded.

He then reached out and took hold of his shaky hand, guiding it toward the awaiting cup.

Ben nodded and accepted. “Are you hungry?” Roy asked.

Ben shook his head no and started slowly sipping the hot liquid. The two remained quiet for some time.

After a moment Ben softly asked, “What happened?”

Roy smirked then replied, “I think you mean what didn’t happen, Ben. The way I figure it you poured your sorrows into I don’t know how many glasses then decided to take it out on the saloon.”

Ben looked down and coldly stated, “I’ll pay for the damages.”

Roy heaved a huge sigh and disgustingly replied, “Oh, I’m sure you will, Ben. Money will fix up everything and make it all right, huh? Well, there are just some things that money won’t fix and you of all people should know that.”

Roy deliberately turned his back on his friend.

“Ben, I have something to say to you… as sheriff here. I’ve tried to be patient and allow you time, but this… this latest… explosion… well…” His voice trailed off as he hung his head.

“Well, what? Roy. What are you trying to say?”

Roy heaved a huge sigh again. “What I’m trying to say is that this is your new home… for a while.”

Ben arose from the cot and grabbed Roy’s shoulder, spinning him around violently. His anger quickly dissipated, however, when his eyes met the fury raging out of Roy’s.

“I would say it would not be in your best interest to follow your intentions right now,” the sheriff coldly stated.

Both men remained frozen in their respective positions for several moments. Finally, Ben averted his eyes and released his hold. He turned back towards the cot with his head hung down.

Roy silently breathed a sigh of relief. He quickly exited the cell and locked the door behind him.

“How long?” Came a meek voice from within.

“A week… maybe two at least… It will give you time to think things through… with a clear head anyway. God knows I have enough charges to make it longer if need be.” Roy then turned to leave.

“The Boys?” Ben asked.

“Don’t worry, Ben. Mrs. Callahan can look after Little Joe. Adam and Hoss will be fine with Hop Sing.” He then walked quietly out of the room.

************************

 

Adam Cartwright awoke with a start to find himself sleeping again in his father’s chair. He sat up and rubbed his face with both hands. This had become common routine for the young man over the past month as his father struggled with the pain of losing yet another wife. Adam had seen it before when Hoss’s mother, Inger, had died…the deadpan gaze, the bedraggled appearance, the somber mood… but nothing like this. This time there was anger…anger that Adam could tell was building.

What surprised his eldest son most was the lack of sentiment towards the rest of the family. They all were grieving, too. Little Joe was struggling with understanding death and what it meant. Hoss was trying to be a big boy and take it like a man, but he was so sad and confused. Right now both needed their father’s guidance not absence.

Adam found himself at the center, struggling to keep things up and running on the ranch. The boy was physically and mentally exhausted from his efforts at trying to fit into his father’s shoes… something a young man his age should not be expected to do.

Suddenly Adam’s thoughts were interrupted by a knock on the door. He arose to answer. He wasn’t surprised to see Roy Coffee standing in the doorway.

“Hi, Adam, I need to talk to you and Hop Sing,” he simply stated.

Adam nodded and motioned the man to enter. He then went into the kitchen to retrieve Hop Sing.

The three were soon engaged in discussion around the fireplace.

“I can’t believe you’re going to lock him up… I thought you were our friend!” Adam bellowed, slamming his fist down on the coffee table.

Roy shot Hop Sing a look that indicated he wanted to talk with the boy alone. Hop Sing immediately complied.

“Don’t worry, Mr. Coffee… Hop Sing take good care of boys while Mr. Cartwright away. Tell Mr. Cartwright… no worries… Hop Sing now go prepare Mrs. Callahan’s room …”

Hop Sing arose from his chair and made his way up the stairwell. He paused for a moment at the top, staring down with a look of concern clearly evident on his face. His eyes gazed down particularly on the eldest son. Adam sat head down, hands folded together between his legs, and eyes glued to the floor. He could feel the shame, anger, and fear dwelling within the young man. He was so much like his father, yet Hop Sing could tell he was struggling to understand. He could only hope that with time, things could be mended. With that, he sadly shook his head and continued on around the corner.

Roy let the boy brew for a few moments before continuing.

“Adam, I know it’s hard to understand this right now, but I’m keeping your father locked up because I am his friend. He can’t do any harm to himself or others in that cell alone. It will give him time to think and work out his emotions. Try to understand, son. It’s the right thing to do.”

Adam felt tears welling in his eyes as he processed the sheriff’s words.
After a moment he spoke softly.

“Mr. Coffee, I don’t want Joe and Hoss to know where Pa is… I’m going to tell them that he had to leave town on business.”

Roy simply stated, “All right, son. If that is what you want.”

Adam nodded.

Roy then continued. “You’re welcome to visit him at any time.”

With those words, Adam arose and moved over to the fireplace, resting his arm on the mantle. Roy could see the tears starting to build in his eyes. He slowly walked over to him, placing his arm on his shoulder.

“Adam. I know what you’re thinking, son. I’ve been there myself. It’s always tough the day you find out your hero… the one you most admire and respect in your life… is only human.”

Adam could not hold back the tears any longer and allowed them to slowly cascade down his cheeks. Roy could tell the boy was embarrassed and tried to lighten the situation.

“Just remember, Adam, heroes always need their sidekicks.” He then patted the boy reassuringly on the back before turning around and finding his own way to the door.

Adam smirked as he watched Roy leave. He quickly wiped the tears from his eyes and looked around the room. His brothers would be waking up soon and he needed to be ready to talk with them. He could only hope that things would get better.

************************

 

Hoss Cartwright sat in school with his mind millions of miles away. He missed his Pa and couldn’t understand why he went away without even saying goodbye. Adam had told him that it was important business and that he had to leave suddenly, but that he would be back in a few weeks and everything would be fine.

Just then, Hoss’s thoughts were interrupted by his teacher’s gentle touch and soft voice.

“Class, I think we will break for lunch now and continue our discussion upon our return.”

The young lady smiled down at Hoss before turning to the class and saying, “Class dismissed.”

A wave of children instantly arose and headed outside the door. Hoss was right amongst them, hurrying to get to his favorite spot under the big pine tree. No matter what the worries, Hoss always found time to eat lunch. Somehow he didn’t seem as upset on a full stomach as he did on an empty one.

The boy sat down and eagerly began to eat. It wasn’t long before a group of boys approached him.

“Hey, Cartwright? I hear your father is serving time,” an older boy said.

Hoss looked up at them with a puzzled look.

“Don’t know what cha mean,” he simply stated.

The boys snickered.

“My Pa told me that your Pa is a criminal. He busted up the saloon and is sitting in jail right now.”

The boy paused to watch the effect of his words before continuing. He then turned to his audience and said.

“Just imagine that… Ben Cartwright, Virginia City’s most well respected citizen, rotting in a jail cell. Now if that don’t beat all.”

The boy let out a cackle and the other children around followed suit.

“That’s a lie! My Pa is out of town on business,” Hoss coldly stated.

Again there was laughter.

“So is that what they told ya, huh? Figures. They wouldn’t want you to be ashamed of your Pa.”

Hoss said nothing. He sat there with an angry pout on his face. The older boy stood relishing in the moment.

Suddenly one of the younger boys started to chant, “Hoss is a son of a criminal… Hoss is a son of a criminal…”

All the boys joined in around him. Hoss stood up with tears starting to form in his eyes.

“Stop it! Stop it! It’s a lie I tell you, it’s a lie!”

The chant grew louder as more children joined in around them. Finally Hoss could not keep his anger inside any longer and threw himself at the older boy, flinging his arms left and right and left and right. Another boy grabbed him and threw him to the ground and the fight was on…

************************

 

Roy Coffee sat at his desk quietly reading the paper. His eyes drifted over to the jail cell door. His prisoner had been very quiet the last few days, not eating or drinking much of anything. The sheriff usually found him in two positions: sitting on the edge of the cot, head down, hands folded between his legs, or stretched out with his face to the wall. Roy had seen this behavior before and to him it was a good sign. Ben was doing some thinking… thinking he so much needed to do.

Just then, the door to the jailhouse burst open and in came Hoss Cartwright at a dead run. He ran immediately over to the jail cell door, flinging it open and rushing inside. Roy instantly arose and followed in pursuit. There was a moment of silence as the three of them stood stunned, each processing the situation.

Roy looked over at Hoss and he couldn’t believe his eyes. His face was swollen and red, his lip was cut, and his left eye was already beginning to turn a deep purple.

“What happened to you boy?” he questioned. Hoss ignored him and turned his frustrations on his father.

“It’s true! It’s true!” He blurted out. “I told them it wasn’t, but it’s true!”

He shot his father a look… a look that pierced through Ben’s heart like a dagger. Ben quickly arose from the cot and leaned against the bars of the cage. Tears began to well in his eyes. He then instinctively reached out for his son, figuring the boy would come running to him for comfort. Instead, Hoss remained in place, averting his eyes away from his father. He covered his face with his hands as he began to sob.

Ben said abruptly, “Roy… Please…” gesturing towards the lock on the cell door. Roy walked over to the cell and quickly unlocked it. It took but a moment for Ben to rush to his son and scoop him up into his arms.

Ben cradled the boy for some time as both father and son wept. He then carried the boy into the cell and laid him down on the cot.

Roy knew they both needed time with each other. He closed the cell door, locking the two inside.

“I’ll go get some ice and liniment for the boy,” he said and swiftly left the room. Hoss and Ben soon heard the outer room door close. They were finally alone.

“Where does it hurt, son,” Ben softly said.

Hoss couldn’t look at his Pa, but muttered, “Mostly my face.”

Ben placed his finger on the boy’s chin and gently turned it from side to side. “Yes, I can see why, son. You really took some hard licks. But we’ll get you all fixed up again just as soon as Roy…”

“Why, Pa? Why?” Hoss blurted out with such force that Ben jumped at the intensity in his voice. “Just tell me why?”

The tears started to build again in Hoss’s eyes.

“Shhh… son,” Ben said as he reached down and began gently stroking the boy’s hair, allowing himself time to gather his own thoughts.

“Why? You ask.”

Ben heaved a huge sigh. He could tell his son’s question stemmed far deeper than just knowing his whereabouts. He looked deep into the eyes of his son and spoke out with a heavy heart.

“Well, son, if you had asked me ‘Why birds sing?’ or ‘Why there are stars in the sky?’ I could answer you just like that. But, the ‘why’ I think you are truly asking about really doesn’t have an answer.”

Hoss looked up at his father puzzled. Ben stroked his hair once more and then continued.

“You see son, we often ask these ‘why?’ questions when life does not go the way we planned it. I asked ‘why?’ when Adam’s mother died. I asked ‘why?’ again when your mother died and I find myself asking ‘why?’ again now with the loss of Marie.”

He averted his eyes at the thought of her and moved swiftly away from his son. There was a long silence as Ben fought back his emotions.

Finally, Ben found his words and softly muttered, “I still do not have my answers, son…nor do I expect I ever will.”

“But you don’t stop living just because of it.”

Both Ben and Hoss jumped at the sound of another voice in the room. They had not heard or seen the sheriff return. Roy walked over to the jail cell and unlocked the door. He quickly brushed past Ben and brought the ice and liniment over to a box near the cot.

Roy looked down at the disheveled boy and smiled. “Hoss, life is filled with uncertainties and unknowns… to be honest with you, son, I think that’s truly the beauty in life itself. There’s no guarantees, no promises that things will end up a certain way. Some things are just out of your control and you have no choice but to continue on living… to embrace life and go after it.”

He then leaned down close to Hoss’s ear and whispered “I think your father knows that too, son. Just give him some time.”

Roy then left as quickly as he came. He spoke out as he closed the cell room door, “If’n you need anything, just holler.”

Ben stood staring out at that door for some time. He first felt anger. “Who does he think he is?” he thought.

Then he felt pain as his friend’s words came rampantly flowing back. Deep down he knew Roy was right. He had to keep living… if not for himself, for his boys.

Ben’s thoughts were interrupted by his son’s voice. “Pa, it hurts somethin’ awful,” he whined.

Ben quickly turned his attention back to his middle son.

“Well, let’s see if we can do something about that then.”

He reached for the ice, wrapping it inside a piece of cloth, and gingerly placing it over his son’s eye. The boy winced at the coldness.

“Take it easy now, son. Take it easy. Everything is going to be all right.”

Ben smirked at hearing those words come out of his mouth. The words had been spewed purely out of instinct… a father’s duty to calm and ease the fear in his son. Yet, how could he possibly believe it himself? His mind was filled with so many uncertainties.

As he opened the jar of liniment and began applying it to his son’s battered face, he did know one thing for certain. He was going to try and make things right again. He owed that to the boys… and to his beloved Marie.

************************

 

Roy Coffee had no sooner sat down when Adam Cartwright burst into the jailhouse.

“Sheriff Coffee… have you seen Hoss?” He stammered. “Some boys beat him up and he ran off… I’ve got to find him.”

Adam was visibly shaken and breathing heavily. Roy walked over to the boy and guided him to a nearby chair.

“Take it easy, son. Your brother is safe. He’s in with your Pa right now.”

Adam breathed a huge sigh of relief and then buried his face in his hands. The boy had reached his breaking point. The pain was so intense that he couldn’t keep what he was feeling inside to himself any longer. Adam attempted to use the palms of his hands to hold in the tears, but they had already made their decision to fall. He started to rock back and forth as he felt himself beginning to crumble. Roy could see that the boy was struggling… struggling to be strong… struggling to be bold… struggling to be brave…But most importantly he was struggling to hide his pent up emotions.

Roy knelt down to Adam’s level and grabbed a firm hold of both his shoulders. “Let it out, boy… Let it all out.” He stated. Then he pulled him close, wrapping his arms around him. Adam could not hold back any longer and relented.

A little while later, Adam was the first to speak. “I’m sorry,” he softly said, as kept his eyes averted to the ground.

Roy arose and looked down at the boy.

“Sorry?” he questioned.

“Sorry for what…for being human…for showing emotion?”

Roy eyed the boy up and down before continuing.

“Oh I see, men aren’t supposed to show those kinds of emotions, huh? Well, son let me tell something. I don’t think there is a man around that hasn’t shed a few tears.”

He turned away from the boy and made his way back to his desk. He leaned back in his chair and propped his feet up on it, eyeing the boy before he spoke.

“Adam, look at me,” he sternly stated. When the boy did not comply he repeated his request again. “Look at me.”

Adam begrudgingly raised his eyes.

“Tears are not the mark of weakness, son. They are a mark of power. Don’t ever forget that.”

Adam once again averted his eyes. Then he looked towards the jail cell door. Roy could tell he was trying to gain enough courage to enter. He decided to help out with the situation by walking over and swinging the door wide open. He then unlocked the jail cell, stepping inside. Ben was sitting on the edge of the cot gently rubbing more liniment on Hoss’s wounds. Roy could tell the boy was fast asleep.

“How’s he doing, Ben?” he questioned softly.

“Well, he seems to be fine… sore… but fine.”

“Did you find out anymore information about what happened?”

“I guess some boys told him I was in jail and he didn’t know about it. Adam apparently told him that I was out of town on business,” Ben stated matter-of-factly.

“What did you want me to do? Tell him the truth? Tell him that his Pa was sitting in jail feeling sorry for himself.”

Ben and Roy jumped at the sound of hearing Adam’s forceful voice behind them. The boy stood staring intensely at his father, fists clenched at his sides.

“Did you want me to tell him that his Pa didn’t care about him anymore… That he only cared about himself. That he was nothing more than a town drunk that people laughed at and made fun of… Is that what you wanted him to hear?”

The commotion suddenly awoke Hoss.

“Pa… what’s going on?” the boy questioned as he tried to groggily lift his head up from the pillow.

Ben turned towards his middle son and gently said, “It’s okay, Hoss. Lie down and rest.” The boy was too tired to fight and complied.

He then quickly turned his attention back to his oldest boy.

“First of all young man, like or not, I’m still your father and I expect you to speak to me with respect… regardless your beliefs.”

Ben’s voice was stern and his eyes intense. He arose from the cot to approach his eldest son. His father’s nearness quickly lessened the rage within Adam and he averted his eyes.

Ben could see the boy had more he wanted to get off his chest. He reached out to gently take hold of his shoulder as a means to encourage him to continue. Adam instead forcibly pushed his arm away and abruptly turned his back on him. This motion pained Ben, but he knew he had it coming and it was well deserved. He gave Roy the eye indicating that he wanted the two of them to be alone.

Roy quietly walked over to Hoss and said, “C’mon boy, I bet if we look real hard in my desk we just might find a gumdrop or two.”

Hoss hesitantly arose from the cot and eyed his father and brother.

“Please don’t be angry with Adam, Pa. He didn’t mean to lie.”

Hoss’s eyes began to fill with tears. Ben smiled down at his son and reassuringly stated, “I’m not mad at your brother, Hoss. We just need to talk some things out, okay? Now you go with Roy, and see if you can find those gumdrops.” He gently directed the boy towards the door.

Father and son stood waiting until they were alone. Ben wasted no time in addressing the issue and promptly continued their conversation.

“Go on…,” he stated… You have a right to be angry.”

Adam fidgeted for a moment not knowing exactly what to do or say. He WAS angry… angry at how his father left everything to him… expecting him to keep things going… to take care of his brothers and run the ranch.

He thought about the hours he stayed awake waiting for his father to stumble in the door… he thought about how he helped him crawl into bed night after night… he thought about how Little Joe kept asking where his mother was over and over… and he thought about what people said under their breaths as he walked by…

Adam’s nostrils flared as he thought and thought and thought.

But how does a young man put all those frustrations into words? His father was waiting…

Finally, Adam did the only thing he could think of doing. He turned around abruptly and walked over to face him. He looked deep into the eyes of his father and then leaned into his chest, wrapping his arms tightly around his middle.

Ben instinctively returned the embrace. The boy had conveyed all his hurt, pain, and shame into one piercing glare… a glare that spoke louder than words. He felt the boy’s resentment and hostility… He felt the disappointment and loss of trust. He felt the boy’s fear of losing not only his mother but his father…And then, he felt his son’s love.

That moment would be a memory that would live in Ben’s heart forever.

Ben’s legs began to weaken and his body started to tremble. Tears began to stream down his face. “Oh God” he thought, “After all that I have done to him… after all that I have put him through… he still loves me.”

“I’m sorry, son… so sorry,” he mumbled, squeezing the boy even more tightly as he spoke. “Please forgive me… forgive me…”

************************

It was the longest week of Ben Cartwright’s life. He was tired of sleeping on a hard cot and staring at the sunlight through barred windows. He had a family that needed him and he just wanted to get home and make things right again. Roy could sense his eagerness, but as sheriff, he had a job to do.

One morning, Roy came in as usual. He opened the jail cell door and handed Ben a cup of coffee. Ben swung his legs off the end of the cot and eagerly accepted.

“Are you hungry,” Roy asked. Ben simply nodded as he took his first sip.

“Well, let’s see what we can rustle up at the hotel then.”

Roy turned and started walking out the door. When he realized his friend was not following, he turned around once more.

“Well, ya coming?” he questioned. I can’t stand here all day waiting for ya you know. I’ve got a job to do.” He then smiled broadly at him.

Ben at first was stunned. He then quickly jumped to his feet and followed the sheriff out into the office. Roy had his gun belt and personal possessions waiting for him on his desk. The two took care of some final business then headed outside towards the hotel.

Ben breathed in the air as if he had never done so before. He looked up at the sun and the clouds and took in the beauty of the day.

As they neared the hotel, Roy tipped his hat in greeting to the banker’s wife. “Morning, maam,” he simply stated.

The woman smiled broadly and said, “Sheriff.”

Then she proceeded to shoot Ben the dirtiest look. Roy could tell this gesture bothered the man and tried to get his mind off of it by engaging him in small talk. Unfortunately, by the time they reached the hotel lobby, the incident was weighing heavily on his friend’s mind and the joy of being a free man seemed to have dissipated.

Roy grabbed his friend’s arm just before they entered the restaurant. This made Ben pause and turn towards him.

“You know… the way I figure it, Ben…”

Roy raised his hand and rubbed his chin in thought.

“The more things a man has to be ashamed of, the more respectable he is…” He then shot Ben a huge smile.

Ben snickered and Roy slapped him on the back as he led him into the restaurant.

A moment later, Ben’s attention was directed to a nearby table as a curly-haired four year old exuberantly blurted out his greeting for all to hear.

“Pa!Pa!” The boy was instantly on his feet and running towards Ben at full speed.

“Joe…son…” Ben said as he scooped him up and held him in his arms.

A moment later, Hoss had his arms around his middle and Adam was standing alongside in greeting.

“It’s good to have you back, Pa. We’ve missed you,” his eldest son stated.

“It’s good to be back, son.”

Ben stood eying his three boys for a moment. Deep down, he knew there would be days of struggle ahead. There would be problems they all would have to face because of what had happened. Yet, once again, life seemed livable. All he could do… all any of them could do… was just start over and take it one day at a time.

 

Tags:  Grief