Summary: Adam and Hoss travel to Stockton and find themselves joining forces with Jarrod and Heath to help Nick-who was adversely affected by the Civil War.

Rated: T (22,900 words)

A/N This is a Big Valley/Bonanza crossover. In this story Jarrod Barkley is 32, Nick is 28 and Heath is 24. Adam Cartwright is 44 and Hoss is 38. The year is 1876. If I have any of the ages off, so be it. I never could keep the ages, timelines etc. straight on these two shows anyway. And, quite frankly, it’s obvious the original writers couldn’t either. Heath is supposed to have joined the family in 1874, two years after Tom was killed, and Jarrod was the one who had a problem accepting him.

Band of Brothers

Chapter One

Victoria, who had seen her eldest disappear into the Billiard room, grew concerned when she realized just how much time had passed. Usually, it was the study Jarrod would seem to lose himself in; that is, if he was going to be in a room for hours. She made her way to the Billiard room and stepped inside. She could see Jarrod through the open French doors; he was leaning on the railing that surrounded the verandah. Making her way across the room, she too walked out onto the verandah and stood next to her son. He held a telegram in his hands. Naturally, with the faraway look that was in his eyes, she assumed it was bad news.

“What’s happened?” She asked; a sound of great concern was in her voice.

“Nothing really, just,” Jarrod answered as he straightened up. “Just Adam Cartwright and his brother, Eric-or Hoss as his family calls him, are coming to Stockton to attend the Colonel Stern’s funeral.”

Victoria, who had heard Jarrod speak of Adam on a few occasions when Jarrod, first got home from the war, pretty well guessed what the problem was. “He doesn’t know about Nick, does he?” Victoria asked as she looked towards the corral where her middle son and stepson both sat on top of the fence. Heath was playing a soothing tune on his harmonic.

Jarrod sighed as he too looked in his brothers’ direction. How Jarrod hated war. “No, I haven’t heard from Adam in years. He doesn’t know about father’s death or Heath’s coming to join the family.” Jarrod paused and shook his head as he remembered how angry he’d been when Heath showed up and made his claim. He remembered how badly he’d treated his blonde haired brother, and how resentful he’d been of Heath. However, Jarrod knew he’d be would be forever grateful the blonde haired cowboy had stuck it out. Heath had turned out to be such a blessing in so many ways. The family wouldn’t be the same without him. Then, not knowing the stories Adam had heard, Jarrod sighed again and said “And, no, I doubt he knows about Nick.” He leaned forward and rested upon the rail once more. “I could never bring myself to tell him anything, even after Heath joined the family and was able to help Nick to a small degree, I still couldn’t get myself to say anything on the few occasions I would write to the man. I guess I kept hoping things would get all the way better.”

Victoria sighed as she too looked in the same direction as Jarrod was. She had often heard war was hell, and had gotten first hand evidence of that fact in 1864 when Tom had traveled out to the hospital where Nick was a patient and brought him home.

Many people had told Tom and her they should simply turn their backs on their son. All right, they hadn’t used those words only they might as well have since they’d told them to let the doctors handle ‘it’. “When does this friend of yours and his brother arrive?”

“I’m going to meet them at the train station tomorrow and bring them home.” He again straightened up. And,” He added as he saw a look of concern in his mother’s eyes. “Don’t worry, I’ll tell them up front all about Nick. If they react badly, or if I get any subtle signs that tell me they might react negatively, I’ll show them to the hotel.” He turned and walked away, saying he needed to talk to Heath before they all retired for the night.

~oOo~

Adam Cartwright just knew the stagecoach he was riding in had to be hitting every pothole on the road. He was sure that his brother, Hoss, felt the same way as the giant of a man muttered as they hit yet another hole.

“Don’t think you should plan on getting any sleep.” Adam said as he stretched his legs and looked at Hoss.

“All I want to do is get into Reno where we can get on the train.” Hoss shook his head. “I would hate to have to ride this thing clear to Stockton.”

Adam agreed, as his mind turned to the first reason he was making the trip with Hoss in the first place. Colonel Benjamin Sterns… a longtime friend of the family’s. When they’d received word the man had passed away Ben had wanted to go only he fell ill. That being the case, it had been decided that Joe would stay home with his wife and two children and run the ranch. Adam and Hoss would have liked to have had had their wives and children with them only the women had said they had no desire to travel from Nevada to California with a total of eight children with them. Adam and Hoss had to admit that the women had a point. His mind then turned to his father and his request.

“This family needs to be represented at the funeral.” Ben lay on his bed, propped up by some pillars. “I know Stockton is more than a few miles away, but you’ve traveled farther. Please, go with Hoss and attend the funeral.”

Adam stretched his legs the best he could as he thought on the second main reason he’d agreed to make the trip…Jarrod and Nick Barkley. He’d met Jarrod a few times during the war and served with Nick for a solid year before the army had transferred Nick to another unit. Afterwards, he’d heard one story after another concerning the young lieutenant. He had told himself he was going to check the stories out after the war, only life had gotten in the way and he never had. Now, with a funeral to attend, Adam had sent a rather lengthy telegram to Jarrod and Nick informing them he’d be in town and hoped to visit them. He might have continued dwelling on the past only Reno came into sight. “Looks like we’re almost to the first stop in this journey,” Adam said as he turned away from the coach’s window.

“Looks like it,” Hoss grinned and stretched the best he could. “Good thing too, my stomach is not happy with me at the moment.”

“It’s never happy with you.” Adam leaned back in his seat and teased his brother.

Chapter Two

Jarrod stood on the platform in front of the train station. He could see the steam from the train off in the distance. While he waited, Jarrod’s mind turned to the night before; back to when he’d gone out to see his brothers.

Heath, who had heard the front door open, looked over his shoulder as he continued playing his harmonica. He saw Jarrod exit the house and made his way to the corral. He might have continued playing only, as Jarrod drew closer and Heath saw how serious of look was upon the man’s face, Heath quit playing and slid the harmonica in his pocket. He waited until Jarrod was standing in front of him before speaking. “What’s wrong?”

Jarrod shook his head as he looked at Nick, who had climbed off the fence and, turning around, and headed back towards the house without saying a word. Jarrod might not have been surprised, only his heart ached for Nick. “Nothing and, maybe, everything,” He said as he leaned his back against the corral and continued watching Nick walking towards the house. “Adam Cartwright and one of his brothers are coming.” He went on to repeat everything he’d told their mother.

“Do you think it’s wise to bring them here?” Heath asked as Nick disappeared into the house. “I mean, I know they did nothing, but they’ll still be a reminder of the war, of whatever was too much for even Nick to handle. I mean, compared to where he was, Nick has come quite a ways. I’d hate to see him set back.” Heath looked at his eldest brother with concern in his eyes.

Jarrod let out a ‘harrumph’ filled with frustration. “And he’s not going to get reminded of that when he goes to the colonel’s funeral?” Jarrod shook his head as he thought how the fact that Nick was actually insisting on trying to attend the colonel’s funeral. It had shocked them all. Now, they were both excited and downright terrified for him. Nick had left the ranch only a handful of times…and that was before their father was killed.

Heath too let his concern show in his eyes as he looked back at the house. “Yeah, I know.”

“WHOO WOOO!” The sound of the train pulling in snapped Jarrod out of his musings and he watched as the train stopped and passengers started filing out. It seemed like a thousand people stepped off the train before Jarrod saw the familiar face of Adam Cartwright. “Hello, Adam.” Jarrod said as he approached Adam and the man whom Jarrod assumed was Hoss. “Good to see you.”

“Good to see you too, it’s been a long time.” Adam shook Jarrod’s hand and then introduced Hoss. “I was hoping Nick would be here too.” The moment Adam said the words and saw the lightning fast look of pain in Jarrod’s eyes, he knew that there had to have been something to the stories he’d heard. With that realization, he wondered if Nick was even alive. That thought was thrown out as Jarrod started speaking.

“He’s working with our brother, Heath.” Jarrod replied, not surprised when his words got a raised eyebrow from Adam. “I’ll explain everything over lunch. Come on, the restaurant here in town has some delicious food.”

Hoss’ eyes lit up and his smile widened. “Sounds good to me, what about you, Adam?” He looked at his elder brother.

Adam, who wasn’t really all that hungry, took pity on Hoss and his stomach. “Sounds good to me,” He answered as he and Hoss followed Jarrod as he walked away from the platform and towards town.

~oOo~

Jarrod, Adam and Hoss, who had made their way around one table after another finally found an empty place in the rather noise filled restaurant, which was looking rather new thanks to the new flowery wallpaper and bright crystal chandeliers. Once they were seated, a red headed waitress, who stood roughly five feet four inches, quickly brought them three menus and some water. After she’d left, Adam and Hoss, who had not missed the surprise on his brother’s face, looked at Jarrod.

Jarrod took a deep breath and began explaining all about Tom’s indiscretion and Heath’s appearance on the ranch. “It took me longer than I’d like to admit to truly accept him, only he’s definitely the salt of the earth, one that I’m pleased to call brother.”

“And Nick?” Adam’s eyes filled with suspicion; his eyebrows turned downward.

Jarrod leaned back, saying nothing at first. Then he let out a slow breath and sighed. “Nick’s not really been the same since our father brought him home from the army hospital.” He started explaining as he kept his eyes on Adam and Hoss. Jarrod explained the shell of man that Tom Barkley had brought home. He explained how Nick had refused to speak or step out of his room for almost six months. “I eventually coaxed him out of his room, and father-over time- got him back outside and working with him, and I mean with him. If Nick lost sight of father, he’d start panicking-and I don’t mean panicking on a small scale either.” Jarrod sighed and continued, “Nick was actually starting to open up to father, only then he witnessed our father shot in the back and killed. It pushed him back to square one. It wasn’t until Heath showed up and started working with him that anyone succeeded in getting Nick to go outside again, and that took Heath eight months to accomplish.” Jarrod said as he looked at the shock on Adam and Hoss’ faces.

“And he’s yet to speak since your father was killed?” Adam stared at him in amazement. From what he’d just heard Tom was killed four years ago.

“I didn’t say that.” Jarrod said as the waitress appeared. The men stopped talking long enough to give their orders and then waited until she left before they started talking again. Jarrod shrugged his shoulders, “It’s just that he still speaks very little. In fact he makes Heath, who is a quiet one, sound loud.” Jarrod fought the emotion he felt raging through him. How he wanted to hear Nick holler again. For that matter, he’d even be overjoyed to pay the man’s bail if he’d get into a fight. “Truth is, we were all shocked beyond measure when Nick said he was going to attempt to go to the funeral.”

“I’d heard stories like that before the war ended. I mean stories connected to Nick.” Adam admitted as he leaned back in his chair. “I had hoped it wasn’t the case though, or had fixed itself by now. To be honest, I’m surprised he’s still living with you; it can’t be easy.” Adam quickly added, due to an angry look that appeared in Jarrod’s eyes, “Not that I’m saying your family should have taken another route. The truth is I admire you all for keeping him at the house and working with him. You’re all an exception to the rule.”

Jarrod shrugged his shoulders as the look of anger disappeared. “Father and mother refused to lock him away from family. I’m just glad Heath has been able to do wonders with Nick. McColl, our foreman, says Nick is now working with him as well as Heath. It’s another milestone reached.”

“If this new brother of yours has been able to help Nick so much,” Adam said as he looked at Jarrod, “I look forward to meeting him.”

Jarrod smiled. “He’s a good one like I said.” Then, almost as an afterthought, he added, “I think the reason Heath has had more success, when it comes to Nick, is because he not only served in the war but survived Carterson as well; he was just a kid at the time. I’m thinking that, maybe, Nick is seeing that Barkley resilience in Heath and it’s helping somehow.” Again, he wasn’t surprised the look of shock that again appeared on the Cartwright’s face. The southern prison camp was far too famous for the two men not to know it, even Hoss who had not served in the war.

Adam, who had a knack of reading people, assure Jarrod that Hoss and he would treat Nick with compassion and respect, not ridicule or pity. Jarrod relaxed and continued visiting with the two brothers.

Chapter Three

Once Jarrod, Adam and Hoss rode through the coral gate, Jarrod called out to Heath, who had just finished fixing the barn door and was just starting to walk towards the stables, and asked him not go anywhere else in order to meet their guests. The blonde haired cowboy stopped and turned around, doing as he was asked. Jarrod then introduced his blonde haired brother to Adam and Hoss.

“Where’s Nick?” Jarrod, who was too used to seeing Nick with Heath, asked.

“He went back into the house once he was through working.” Heath answered, seeing no reason to add that fixing the barn door had been the last thing on Nick’s list. However, Nick had never got to it as he’d had one of his panic attacks hit, and Heath had taken over. But, there was no reason to repeat any of that with their guests present.

Jarrod had seen the look that appeared in his blonde haired brother’s eyes as he spoke of Nick and inwardly sighed. Without being outright told about the incident Jarrod, basically, knew what had happened. He told himself to be grateful that the times that Nick disappeared back into the house during the day had dropped drastically. Maybe, someday, they would completely disappear. “Come on,” Jarrod motioned with his hand for Adam and Hoss to follow him as he started walking towards the house. “Mother was expecting me to bring you right in, probably wondering what’s taking us so long.”

~oOo~

Standing in front of his bedroom window, Nick could see his brothers talking with Adam and Hoss. When Heath followed Jarrod as he led the Cartwright brothers towards the house, Nick closed his eyes and took a deep breath. While the passing years had robbed Adam of a lot of his hair and he’d put just a tad bit of weight on, Nick still instantly recognized his old comrade. Fully aware of the late colonel’s friendship with the Cartwrights, Nick didn’t have to be told what Adam and the man he assumed to be Adam’s brother were doing on the ranch. He turned around and walked out of his room and into the hallway, though he had to use every ounce of his being to keep walking. A part of him wanted to hide in his bedroom until the funeral was over and until Adam was gone. Only thing was…the Colonel had been one of the few people in Stockton that hadn’t encouraged his family to turn their backs on him, and in spite of his problems, Nick felt like he owed it to Adam to at least greet him. After all, Nick knew it wasn’t either of the Cartwrights fault that he, Nick, had the problems he did. By the time he got to the top of the stairs, his mother and Audra were standing in the foyer and talking with Jarrod, Heath and their guests. At the sound of his spurs hitting the floor, all heads turned and looked toward the stairs.

Nick, who had every intention of going down stairs, still found his feet froze to the floor below him as he gazed upon his former comrade. For a split second, he could see the two of them fighting side by side. “Keep down Lieutenant!” Nick heard Adam’s voice and then felt the man pushing him to the ground seconds before a bullet flew over their heads. Nick watched his comrades falling one by one.“Nick?” Heath started for the stairs when, he saw Nick was standing as if frozen. He needn’t have worried though. The moment he did that, Nick started descending the stairs. Once he stepped off the last stair, Adam-who was holding his hat in his hands by that time, stepped forward.

“Hello, Nick. It’s good to see you again.” Adam spoke as he removed his right hand off his hat and held his hand outward, praying like mad that Nick would not only accept the handshake, but the sincerity of his words as well.

Nick’s family found themselves holding their breath, not sure whether or not he’d accept Adam’s gesture. After what felt like an eternity, Nick raised his hand and shook Adam’s hand and gave the man a small smile. “Hi,” he then let go of Adam’s hand and hurried through the dining room and into the kitchen.

Adam looked at Jarrod and Heath, along with Victoria and Audra. He wasn’t sure what to make of the looks on their faces. Astonishment? Admiration? A bit apprehensive? “If Nick doesn’t want me here, or my being here is going to create a problem…” Adam started to say only to have Victoria and her family object.

“You and Hoss,” Jarrod said as he glanced at the Cartwrights, towards the kitchen and then looked back at their guests. “There’s nothing wrong with you being here. And, if Nick didn’t want you here, he’d never have come downstairs or shook your hand.” Like his family, Jarrod had learned that when Nick didn’t want to be around anyone, he flat out stayed in his room. And, since he so seldom shook anyone’s hand, Jarrod and his family knew Adam Cartwright must have earned a great deal of respect from Nick during the war.

“Come into the dining room.” Victoria smiled and gestured towards the room where the family shared the majority of their meals. “Let me see what I can get you to eat. You’ve had a long journey and must be hungry.”

“Thanks, but no thanks.” Adam smiled politely. “Jarrod bought us lunch already. I’d just as soon visit Jarrod and get to know Heath.” He looked at the blonde haired cowboy. “Your brother’s talked highly of you.” It did not pass by that Heath looked a bit uncomfortable at the compliment. “I don’t think he quite knows what to do with a sincere compliment yet.” Jarrod’s words from their visit at the café came back to Adam.

Victoria smiled and told him to go right ahead, and then she looked at Hoss. “What about you? Would you like anything?”

Hoss started beaming from ear to ear. “I ate too ma’am, but I wouldn’t mind a bit of a snack.” He answered and then headed into the dining room while Victoria and Audra, who had offered to help her mother, headed for the kitchen. Jarrod, Heath and Adam disappeared into the living room.

Chapter Four

Nick stood on the veranda and let the cool breeze blow across his face. He inwardly sighed as he remembered how he’d spent at least an hour in the kitchen helping Silas instead of going out and visiting with their guests. He might have continued helping Silas only the man had had to go to town. After that Nick knew his only two choices were to hide in his bedroom again or go visit Adam. He might have chosen the former only Adam had been too good of a comrade and saved Nick’s life on more than one occasion. As it was, he made himself go with the latter, though he literally only spoke only a word here or there-leaving the conversation to be carried on mostly by his brothers and their guests. Then dinnertime had rolled around.

“He’s a fine animal,” Adam’s words rang as the family and the Cartwright brothers sat around the dinner table, rang in Nick’s ears once more. ‘We’ve got a few names picked out for him.”

“Personally,” Hoss spoke up, “I told him I thought we should call the Shiloh.”

Nick leaned forward and covered his face with his hands. The moment Hoss had said the word ‘Shiloh’ Nick had found himself bolting from the room. He hadn’t meant to only the minute Adam started talking about their newest acquired horse and Hoss mentioned that name… Nick shuddered. It was just another reminder of one of many things he’d just as soon forget, but couldn’t. When he heard more than one set of footsteps enter the billiard room, Nick stiffened and then forced himself to turn around. He wasn’t surprised to see Heath walking toward him; Adam was with him. Soon the men were standing in front of him, without actually stepping out onto the veranda.

“I was hoping to talk to you.” Adam looked at Nick while throwing a glance Heath’s way. Adam would have preferred to talk to Nick alone only, after what had just happened; he figured it wasn’t wise to fight Heath, who had insisted on coming alone. “Hoss and I didn’t mean to upset you. Hoss had no idea what memories the name he likes would bring back to you. He had no idea you served in that battle.” Heath had advised Adam to avoid repeating the name of Shiloh again, and he was heeding that advice.

Nick shrugged his shoulders and turned back around, leaning on the railing as he did so.

Adam, a bit fearful he or Hoss might inadvertently say something else, repeated what he’d said earlier to Jarrod and the others. He and Hoss could go elsewhere. “I’m sure we can find a place.”

It upset Nick to know that Adam felt it necessary to make such an offer, though a part of him wanted to tell the man to do just that. However, he couldn’t to do it. How could he? Adam had been as good as they came back during the war and, from the feeling he got off the man, he still was. No, he’d not be the one stopping his former comrade from staying with the family. “Stay,” he said as he rubbed his forehead feeling a bit of a headache coming on.

“Are you sure? The colonel’s funeral isn’t for a couple of days yet.” Adam kept an eye on Nick, as did Heath. Since silence started filling the room, Adam got the impression that Nick wasn’t sure and started to say something only to have Heath lift his hand and stop him.

“You and I both know Nick. If he tells you to stay, he means it. Now,” Heath said as he gave a bit of a lop sided grin and looked towards the doors on the other side of the room. “Why don’t you go finish supper; Nick and I will have ours later.”

Adam was about to do that only to have Nick shock waves through both Heath and Adam when he spoke up again. “No, Adam, don’t go.”

Heath’s astonishment could clearly been seen. Except for a word here and a word there Nick had never talked to anyone outside the family, Silas or McColl…and most assuredly never asked anyone to stay. “I’ll be in the dinin’ room if ya need anythin’.” Heath said slowly, almost as if he was trying to decide to stay or not, and then turned away from his brother and walked slowly out of the room. However, before leaving, he used his eyes to send a silent message to their guest; one that warned him to be careful or Adam would answer to him.

Adam watched him until Heath disappeared and then stepped out onto the veranda. Nothing was said as he looked up at the sky and admired the stars in the night sky above their heads. He wasn’t sure how much time elapsed only by the time Nick spoke, Adam almost jumped out of his skin as he had lost himself in his own memories.

“Do you still play?” Nick asked as he recalled how many times Adam had sung for men when they were sitting around their campfires and such.

It took a second for Adam to realize Nick was asking about Adam and his guitar. “Yes, I still play the guitar.” Adam answered as he too leaned forward. “Though, I’ve had to replace the one I had during the war.” He paused and then chose his words carefully. “You’re not alone Nick. Many men struggle throughout their lives after they’ve been through the hell we went though.” He wondered for a moment if he’d said the wrong thing as Nick’s hands clenched the railings so hard his knuckles turned white.

Nick finally relaxed his grip and turned his head to face Adam. After what felt like an eternity, he said, “I’ve told myself that.” He sighed and shook his head. He had too, but it had done no good.

“Nick, I want to ask you a couple of things. I understand if you don’t wish to answer me only I would like to ask it.” Adam said and then waiting, wondering what Nick would say.

Nick didn’t answer at first. Then, after once again reminding himself who had asked Adam to stay, he looked at his former comrade with questioning eyes. “What is it?”

“Why, if anything that could-or does-remind you of the war bothers you to this degree why wear those spurs? I’d think the echoing sound they made when they hit the floor would be too noisy. And second, why do you keep so silent?” Adam was curious as he watched Nick turn his head straight forward once more. “I mean, I fully understand the problem of not leaving the ranch, I’ve been there myself. However, not talking all that much? Why?”

Nick sighed again and shrugged his shoulders as he remembered how his family had given him their full support after the war. He remembered all the work his father had done for, or with, him. That is, until the railroad had killed him. After that, Heath’s coming had been a godsend to him and the family. Nick turned up his hands, feeling as if the walls were about to close in on him. “The spurs belonged to my father.” He gave Adam a look that said that if he couldn’t understand that one, Nick wasn’t explaining anything. “As far as the silence goes,” Nick shook his head. “I don’t know. I’ve tried for years to understand only I don’t. I’d give anything to know the answer to that question.” Since having witnessed his father murdered, he’d never talked so much and all of a sudden the walls he’d felt closing in on him did just that, close that is. Nick turned and fled out of the room. For the first time since leaving Nevada Adam was glad he had made the trip with Hoss. He was going to write to his wife, explain the situation and extend his visit. He was also going to talk to Hoss and see if he would stay too.

Chapter Five

The church was filled to capacity, as Adam and Hoss sat down on the same bench as Nick and his brothers. It did not pass them by that they were sitting in the last pew, the one closet to the back door…nor the fact that Nick and Heath had waited until the Cartwright’s and Jarrod and sat down before taking the end of the pew closet to the exit.

“Colonel Sterns was born on May 15, 1815….” Reverend Stacy stood at the pulpit and started speaking, thus turning Adam’s attention away from Nick. Adam groaned inwardly as the man talked incessantly. It made Adam wonder if the good man had done tons of research on the colonel beforehand. However, he cringed as the man of the cloth started listing all the colonel’s accomplishments. Somehow, he just knew what was coming. Sure enough, Nick looked apologetically at the family and their guests before standing up and hurrying out of the building.

When Jarrod started to stand, Heath whispered, “Let me, Jarrod, please.” He then silently slid off the bench and left the building. He wasn’t surprised to see Nick standing by the side of the church shaking badly. Heath wished he could make everything all right for his brother.

“For his memories sake, I had hoped to make it through the funeral.” Nick said once he stopped shaking. “I…I’m sorry.” By that time he was sitting on a bench that sat a few feet from the back of the church.

Heath gave Nick a smile as he joined him on the bench. “I’m sure he’s not holding this against you, Nick. The fact that you even attempted it says a lot.” Then, due to fact that Nick was still shaking ever so slightly, Heath asked if Nick wanted to go home.

Nick closed his eyes for a moment and then opened them back up. He didn’t necessarily want to, only he knew he had to. He couldn’t go back in and listen to anymore of the service. He nodded and said, “Yes, please.”

Heath stood up and told Nick he was going to slip into the church and let the family know what was going on and not to worry; he’d be right back. Moments later he and Nick were in the surrey Heath had driven to the funeral and were heading home.

~oOo~

Jarrod was sitting in his study when a knock came on the door. “Don’t have to knock,” he called out as set the papers he’d been looking at aside. He was surprised to see Adam open the door and walk in, along with his brother, Hoss. As far as Jarrod knew the two men were supposed to be boarding a train and heading home. What were they doing standing in the study?

Adam and Hoss smiled as they saw the confused look flash through Jarrod’s eyes, though it was Hoss who spoke up. “Reckon ya can see we didn’t exactly leave town.”

Jarrod, who had his eyes back in place, grinned from ear to ear while he chuckled. “Yes, I can.” He gestured towards the chair that sat off to the right of his desk and one that sat near the bookshelf. “Have a seat and then tell me what’s up.” And something was up, a child could have figured that much out.

Once Adam sat down in the chair that was off to right of the desk, he looked at Jarrod unsure how the man would react to Adam’s idea. “Hoss and I have wired our families to let them know we’ve been delayed. I’ve also written a longer letter explaining everything to them. That is, if you don’t mind extra company. I,” he hesitated and then said, “I need to talk to you.”

Jarrod was puzzled and didn’t try to hide it. With the serious expression that was on Adam’s face, it made Jarrod wonder what on earth was on Adam’s mind. The moment the thought crossed Jarrod’s mind, he knew the answer…Nick. Adam and Hoss’ appearance in the study had to do with the once very vocal and hot tempered brother of his. “As long as you don’t suggest us locking Nick up, I’ll listen.”

Adam took a deep breath and began speaking. “Before I really get started you need to know I’m only asking this because while I was talking with Nick the other night, and he told me he didn’t know why he remains so silent; he wants answers just as bad as everyone else.”

“So, what did you want to say?” Jarrod asked through the shock he felt upon hearing that Nick had actually said more than two words to someone outside the family.

Adam rubbed the back of his neck and continued. He explained that he had, for an extremely short period of time, had suffered from agoraphobia also, and he had a hard time talking to any visitors his family had. “That’s why I said I had hoped the stories I’d heard about Nick were not true or had been fixed. I know my experience was less than a year; still, I do know how it is.” He then told Jarrod how his father had went against all the expert advice by following his gut instinct and taking Adam off the Ponderosa. “According to the experts what he wanted to do was the worst possible option considering my condition. Only, like I said, pa listened to his gut feeling over the experts. He said later there was an exception to every rule. Anyway, he and my brothers took me to a friend’s ranch in spite of the fact that I wasn’t talking very much to anyone outside the family and would often times hide-though not anywhere near the degree Nick has done in the past. They stayed with me to give something familiar to hold onto. ”

“Everyone has a breaking point, Jarrod. I don’t know what happened to push Nick over that point. However, from what I can see, he’s basically at the point I was when my father convinced me to leave our ranch with him and my brothers for awhile. I feel strongly that we need to do the same thing for Nick. So, I was wondering if you and Heath would talk to Nick and see if you can convince him to go with you, Heath and us on a camping trip… away from the ranch.” Adam finished talking and waited for Jarrod to speak.

Jarrod, having gotten over the shock of hearing what Adam had to say, frowned. As hard as the family had tried, as he’d already told Adam the trip into town for the colonel’s funeral was the one of the few times Nick had actually left the security of their land. That being the case, all camping trips had been restricted to going to the campouts on their ranch. “I don’t know. I’m glad you were an exception to the rule. Still, I don’t know.” Jarrod leaned back in his chair.

Adam knew his idea wouldn’t work for just anyone. Still, the idea had impressed itself upon his mind when Jarrod had told him about Nick…and the impression had only been growing stronger. That being the case, he couldn’t help but feel like it would also work for Nick Barkley. “It’s not like he’ll be alone, Jarrod. You and Heath will be there so he has the familiarity he’ll need. You, Heath and I can all relate to being in the war. And, as I just said, I spent some time in the same boat as Nick. I know how it is. It could be another place just as familiar to him as the ranch, do you know such a place?”

“Well, we do have a lodge near Tamarack, but it takes more than a day to get there.” Jarrod answered slowly, and then asked skeptically. “Just how long of a camping trip are you thinking about?”

“A couple of weeks at least, maybe even as long as a month,” Adam answered truthfully.

Jarrod, who had been listening intently, looked at Hoss. “I mean no offense, only if you’ve never served in the war, how do you think you can help?”

Hoss smiled wide, “Yer right, I didn’t serve only just like you, I had ta deal with a brother who was fightin’ whatever that word is Adam used the other day.”

“Agoraphobia,” Adam looked from Hoss to Jarrod. “I assume you know what that means?”

Jarrod nodded as he replied, “The fear of leaving the safety of what is familiar to you, though that’s only part of Nick’s problem. The doctors called it “battle fatigue”; his memories can be initiated by almost anything, unexplained noises, smells, strangers and some things we probably still don’t even know about.”

Adam stood up as did Hoss. They understood all too well the struggle they saw in Jarrod’s eyes. “I know all that too, Jarrod. And I know what I’ve proposed is a gamble. However, I wouldn’t suggest this Jarrod if I didn’t feel strongly that if we can get Nick to leave this ranch, with all of us for support, it will help. I don’t know why; I don’t know how, but I do believe it.”

“And what if it doesn’t work? Nick’s bad enough as it is. And, what if it re-ignites those fears in you? Jarrod asked.

Adam smiled. “I may still have my battles at times Jarrod, but I’ve learned to channel them and control them when they try to interrupt my life.” He then gave Jarrod a very serious look as he said, “We have all in some way shared the same experiences, and none of us are alone.”

Jarrod thought on how Nick was before the war and the ensuing years afterwards. He remembered how often he’d prayed that something, anything, would happen to help his brother past the walls that his mind had put up as a result of all he’d seen in the war. “I’ll talk to Heath. Out of everyone, he seems to have gotten to past Nick’s defenses the best. If he and Nick will go along with this, then we need to talk to mother.”

“Fair enough,” Adam and Hoss stood up and, after informing Jarrod that they were going to stay at the hotel for a couple days, bade their friend goodbye.

Jarrod said nothing as he leaned back in the chair and watched the two brothers walk out of the room, his mind on Nick and Adam’s idea.

Chapter Six

Heath had been looking for Nick and McColl when Jarrod had pulled him aside and told him that it was time to take a break from work. When he ask McColl if he’d seen Nick, Heath wasn’t surprised to be told Nick had gone to the barn. For whatever reason, when he was on any kind of break, Nick always went to the loft of the barn. Sure enough, by the time Heath got to the barn he could see the loft doors open and Nick sitting in the opening with his legs hanging over the edge. Heath entered the building, climbed up the ladder to the loft and joined his brother. However he said nothing for a few minutes, his mind on the conversation between Jarrod and himself.

“Is he kidding?” Heath was shocked when Jarrod told him what Adam had asked. “Nick will never go for it.” He’d then looked at his eldest brother extremely close and asked if Jarrod agreed with Adam.

“He says he’s been in the same boat as Nick.” Jarrod went on to tell Heath everything their guests had said. “Before I left, Hoss pointed out that Nick did fine at the funeral until the reverend started talking about the Civil War. Adam and Hoss promised not to talk about the Civil War if we agree to this, and Nick will go.”

Heath had his reservations only he agreed that Nick should be told what Adam wanted and that Nick should have the final say in it. That being the case, he’d left the section of fence he’d been working on when Jarrod interrupted him and went to find Nick.

Nick, who would be forever grateful that his half brother had joined the family, turned his head a few minutes after Heath joined him. He could see something was bothering Heath. Nick didn’t like that. “What?”

Heath shrugged his shoulders and told Nick their guests had not left Stockton and what Adam wanted them all to do. He wasn’t surprised when Nick literally jerked backwards, nothing but shock on his face. “Huh?” Nick looked shocked, unaware of Adam’s past struggles.

Heath rubbed the palms of his hands together and explained what Adam and Hoss had confided to Jarrod. “I know you fear leaving what’s familiar because you fear dealing with the problems that seem to appear when you do. However, since Adam’s been through this; maybe, just maybe we should listen.” He then fell silent, not willing to do anything more than present the idea and add his thoughts more than once. After ten minutes of Nick looking straight ahead and saying nothing, Heath assumed Nick didn’t want to do such a thing. Since he wasn’t willing to push Nick to accept the idea, Heath started to stand up with the intention of going to tell Jarrod to tell the Cartwrights simply to go home…only to be stopped by Nick.

Nick, who had looked away from Heath, looked back at him. “Lodge is too far,” He turned his face forward once more. There was no way he was going over a day away only to find himself in a major panic. Having his heart beat so fast that it felt as if he was having a heart attack-without being able to get back on the ranch within an extremely short amount of time-was not an option in his book.

“What if we find someplace closer?” Heath asked cautiously. After a few minutes, Nick nodded his head.

Heath felt a mixture of hope and hesitation. “If this doesn’t work, I’ll never present such a suggestion again” Heath spoke those words only to himself. Out loud he simply acknowledged he’d heard Nick’s answer. “I’ll make sure they know that.” Heath stood up and watched as Nick turned his head forward again. When it came apparent Nick was saying nothing else, Heath climbed down the ladder and went in search of his eldest brother.

~oOo~

Having heard that Nick had consented to go camping with them it they changed locations, Jarrod, Heath, Adam and Hoss all stood in the living room talking with Victoria, who was not exactly happy about what she was hearing. It’s not that she didn’t want Nick to get past his problems; she was simply terrified for him. “We’re only camping five miles from the ranch.” Jarrod, who laid his hand on his mother’s shoulder, assured her. “If he has to downright get back on the ranch, he can easily do so.”

“And if anything happens? What will keep him from going back to the way he was after the war, after your father was killed?” Victoria didn’t think she could take seeing Nick unable to leave the house for a third time.

“Ma’am,” Hoss spoke up as he looked at Adam and then at Jarrod and Heath. “I reckon if anythin’ happens, and Nick needs help, he’s got all of us to help him.” Hoss gestured toward Nick’s brothers, Adam and then pointed at himself. “You don’t have ta worry ’bout him; we’ll take care of him.”

Victoria was shocked to feel as if someone had just wrapped their arms around her and given her the most comforting hugs she’d ever felt; it surprised her even more to hear Tom begging her to listen and heard her late husband ask “Can’t you see? Nick’s got a band of brothers now to help him, brothers that can relate-one way or the other-to his problem. Stop fighting them’. She wasn’t totally convinced she wasn’t losing her sanity only she did want Nick well. “Fine, you’ve got to promise me you won’t go trying to convince him to travel to the lodge later. That is, unless he is the one to suggest it.” She looked at her sons and the Cartwrights with a firm look in her eyes, one that said they were dead meat if they didn’t make, and keep, the promise.

“We won’t, mother. I promise you that.” Jarrod would have said more only Nick and McColl walked in.

Everyone held their breath as Nick looked at his brothers and their guests, his eyes resting on Heath and Adam the longest. The look in his eyes told everyone that, for whatever reason, the blonde haired cowboy and the eldest Cartwright were the only reason Nick had agreed to the trip. Nick then turned and walked up the stairs. There was an uneasy silence until McColl asked Heath if there was anything else that he, McColl, could do.

“No, you’re done for the day.” Heath answered, and then watched as McColl left the house. He then excused himself, saying he had to work to finish before they went anywhere.

Chapter Seven

Mrs Howard Paul’s Great “Sneezing Song” (1866)
[Words] From the French by
Dr. W[illiam]. J[ames]. Wetmore.
[Music] By X. Mergy.

New York
Published by Wm. HALL & Son, 543 Broadway
Boston. H. TOLMAN & CO.
New Haven, Conn. SKINNER & SPERRY.
Chicago. ROOT & CADY.
New Orleans. L. GRUNEWELD.
Plate No. 6174
[Source: 053/059 Levy]

~oOo~

The sky was dotted with fluffy white clouds and a cool breeze blew through the air. An occasional rabbit could be seen off in the far distance as Adam and Heath rode along side Nick as they followed Jarrod, who was riding in front of Nick. Hoss was following behind. Everyone but Jarrod, who obviously could not see behind, kept an eye on Nick. With what had happened as they reached the ranch’s boundaries how could they do otherwise?

Nick and the others were riding along each other enjoying the cool breeze when all of sudden Nick pulled up on his reins and began sweating. They could see his chest begin to move up and down rather quickly. Adam quickly reached over and took a hold of Nick’s upper left arm while Heath took a hold of Nick’s right one. “Take deep breaths, Nick.” Adam instructed him and then continued to patiently talk to him; the others also took time to talk to him.

Once the Nick regain control of his breathing Jarrod, who had turned around once he realized there was a problem, looked at his troubled brother and asked if he still wanted to go through with their plans. Nick wanted to… and he didn’t. He might have given in to the part that didn’t want to only he had been telling Adam the truth when he said he wanted some answers. Besides, he was tired…tired of hiding and of running. Nick shook his head after being completely silent for five minutes and said, “Keep going.” he paused and then looked at all three men and said, “Just, help me.” His voice was flat only his eyes turned the sentence into a silent plea.

It was then that Heath and Jarrod had suggested various riding positions. “We’re your security now, Nick.” Heath had told Nick once he, Heath, and the others were in their chosen places. “Believe me.” It was a statement Nick did not doubt in the least. Ever since Heath had joined the family his blonde haired had never lied to him.

Now Adam, who had always found music rather soothing-and had been told how Heath would play the harmonica to help soothe Nick when the man was getting a bit too uptight, noticed Nick once again tensing up. He decided to see if music would help now. He began singing in a low and gentle voice.

Ye gentlemen and ladies fair,
On my affliction pity take;
For when I show the greatest care,
A perfect sound I cannot make:
I stammer when I try to sing,
The more I strive, the worse it grows;
Oh! it is like a little sting,—
This tickling in the nose.

Trou la la trou la la
lai di outai
lai di outai
trou la la trou la la
lai di ou la ou tou
trouli ouda
coumma— la la
la la la la la
trou li ou da
coumma— la la la
trouli ouda
coumma— la la
la la la la la
trou li ou
da coumma— la la la
Pim! pim! Tchi!
la la
trou la la lai di outai
lai di outai
trou la la
tou la la l
ai di ou la ou tou.

Adam was relieved, as was Heath, who had also noticed Nick tensing up, to see the troubled man relax as Adam started singing. Seeing the song was doing what he had hoped it would, Adam continued on with the second verse.

I try a malady to cure,
With drugs and potions day by day;
And still the evil I endure,
Although a year has roll’d away:
The drinks I take disturb my heart,
And if I snuff— O, horrid woes!
It seems my senses will depart,
This tickling in my nose.

By the time the five men reached their destination Adam was sure he had sung a hundred songs. Though it had been worth it, not only had Nick relaxed, but Jarrod, Heath and Hoss had joined Adam and sung a lot of songs with him. And, in spite of the fact that Nick did not join in, he never tensed up again either.

“I’ll gather some wood.” Hoss offered as they reached the small two bedroom cabin that sat in a clearing…one that had a nearby stream where a little fishing could be done. He dismounted the horse the Barkley’s had lent him and tethered him to a nearby tree. Adam did the same as did Jarrod and Heath; Nick remained in the saddle for a few more minutes causing the other men to stand where they were until he too dismounted.

Adam startled Hoss by looking at Nick and his brothers, and said, “Nick can help you. And, one of his brothers can go with you.” However, Heath and Jarrod weren’t the least bit surprised at Adam’s words. Hadn’t they been the ones to tell Adam that, while he could have a major say in what was done or not done-due to Adam’s personal experience with this situation-one of them would always have Nick within their sight. Again Nick hesitated. He looked from Heath to Jarrod, giving his elder brother an apologetic look, and then back at Heath.

Jarrod, who understood what Nick was apologizing for, wanted him brother to know he had not taken any offense at Nick’s silent request. “Heath can go with the two of you. I want to talk to Adam anyway.” The moment the three men left do gather the promised wood, Jarrod faced Adam. “Was that really a good idea? We just barely got him off the ranch, and you’re already sending him off to gather wood?”

Adam didn’t blame Jarrod for looking rather unsettled. After all these years Adam knew the man had naturally grown overprotective of the dark haired rancher. “This isn’t going to do him any good unless he’s moving around and helping where he can.” Adam turned and headed into the cabin. Once inside he headed for the couch that sat against the west wall. The furniture had been left there for who knows how long and by whom. He began laying his bedroll out on it. “Yes, I know; it’s extremely hard for him…and will be. Unfortunately,” He looked over at Jarrod, who was standing just in the door way with his bedroll under his arm. “It’s the only way I know of to help him.”

Jarrod shook his head headed for the bedroom that sat off to the left of the couch, telling himself that at least Adam had been ‘there’ and knew what he was doing. Still, Jarrod prayed they were doing the right thing for Nick.

Chapter Eight

Adam sat on the couch looking out the front window next to the front door. He could see the majority of the clearing where they were camping. Hoss, Jarrod and Nick had lain down to sleep a few hours before. Heath had taken the last ‘shift’; Adam had just relieved him. Each of them- Adam, Jarrod, Heath and Hoss, had decided it would be best if at least one of them were awake while Nick slept…just in case anything happened. As he watched over his former comrade, who he could see through the second bedroom’s open door next to the “kitchen” on the east side of the cabin, Adam’s mind turned back to the war and to the last time he saw the man named Nicholas Jonathon Barkley.

While Adam and other officers, which included Lieutenant Nick Barkley, sat around a table in one of many tents that had been set up to house his unit, Commander Alderson was sat at the head of the table explaining that some of them were being transferred to another unit; Adam was on the transfer list. After the meeting, the group disbanded only Nick and Adam remained at the table talking.

“Think I could get them to leave Sergeant Melon here?” Adam leaned back and threw his right leg over his left one as he threw a smile towards his good friend.

Nick scowled-though he did it trying not to chuckle. Sergeant Melon was a blonde haired thirty-three year old Major who thought he knew it all; the man also had a nasally voice, one that drove everyone up a wall. The man was also rude, overbearing and a few other things. “Nope, and don’t ask me to try to pull any strings with the general either.”

Adam chuckled and then grew serious. “When do you think this war will end? Too many men have died already, or had their lives ruined.” He thought of all the men crippled and sent home.

“I don’t know. We should be grateful that while we’ve had our battles, we’ve never actually had fighting right in the middle of towns. I’ve heard plenty of stories of units who have.” Nick answered.

“War is hell.” Adam sighed as he and Nick continued to visit.

Adam might have continued down memory lane, only Nick was beginning to stir and mutter in his sleep. That alone would not have concerned Adam, only Nick’s muttering started getting louder and his words clearer. “NO! STOP! WHAT ARE WE DOING HERE?! STOP! WE NEED TO LEAVE!” Nick’s eyes shot open and he bolted upright, though he was only half awake. Adam was in the bedroom and next to Nick’s side and talking to him in no time at all, though Nick continued to repeat the his words. The others joined Adam and Nick within a matter of seconds. Nick’s bellowing had woken them up as well.

“It’s okay, Nick.” Heath said as he laid his hand on Nick’s right shoulder. Adam, who had been holding onto Nick’s left one, took his hand away from Nick. “It’s just a nightmare.” Heath, and the others, were relieved when Nick blinked his eyes and looked around.

Nick, whose chest had been moving up and down quite rapidly, took a deep breath and fought to get his breathing under control. “I…I’m…sorry,”

“Nothing to be sorry about,” Jarrod, who was standing in front of Nick, assured him. Once again Jarrod looked at Adam. The look in his eyes told Adam the man was still questioning the wisdom of this trip. Adam looked at Heath and saw the same thing. He couldn’t blame the two men; still, unless Nick flat out insisted on going back, Adam wasn’t changing his mind. He was helping his friend.

“What were you dreaming about?” Adam asked knowing how talking about his dreams had helped him.

Nick turned to look at Adam, Heath and Hoss… and then looked at Jarrod. He could see the great concern his elder brother had in his eyes and, for the first time since the war, Nick saw the pain Jarrod felt for him. It was then it hit him like a ton of bricks that it had been there for years. Once he realized that Nick saw how he had pushed Jarrod away time and time again, especially after their father had been killed. He asked himself why and found the answer on the heels of the question. Nick saw how he’d had been blaming himself for being unable to protect so many of his comrades or innocent civilians who had the stupid luck of being in the right place at the wrong time, along with their father while he was with him. In his state of mind, Nick realized that he had thought if he kept this particular brother at arm’s length, it would protect Jarrod.

Nick looked at Heath, Adam and Hoss. “Jarrod…” He looked at his elder brother, his eyes begging Jarrod to stay and tried to say more only he couldn’t. He felt too badly knowing that Jarrod had been forced to endure simply standing by and watching over him from a distance…and because-as much as he wanted Heath to stay also, he didn’t want to leave the Cartwrights out in the cold by themselves either. He needn’t have worried about offending any of the men. Heath, who had been praying for a long time for Nick to show Jarrod more than a civil gesture -took no offense. While they did not know just how much Nick had kept Jarrod at arm’s length, Hoss and Adam more than understood how it was to need a sibling to talk to.

“I’m going back to bed.” Hoss after telling Nick it was okay that he, Hoss, understood. He then turned around, walked back into the first bedroom and crawled back underneath his blankets. Adam did the same while Heath stood where he was for a moment assuring Nick once more that there was no need to be sorry. Then he too turned around and went back to his bed.

Once the three men had left the room, Jarrod-who had felt his heart swell to the point of almost pushing tears to his eyes- looked at Nick. “What is it, Nick? What were you dreaming?” Jarrod asked as he sat down next to his brother, not expecting anything more than a three or four word reply. However, he felt his heart skip a beat as Nick spoke to him with complete sentences as he had with Adam while they were on the veranda.

“It was a stupid dream.” Nick said in an uncharacteristically low voice as he shook slightly. “Makes no sense only the feeling of fear and death-along with the unnecessary destruction-I’ve had it before. It keeps coming back.”

Jarrod, who had heard Nick scream out during his sleep before, wasn’t surprised to hear such a thing. He knew many men who, having served in the war, had to deal with nightmares-some more than others. “Tell me about it.” Jarrod said, remembering how Adam had told him about his past dreams, the ones that Adam had finally let go of after talking to his father about them.

“Don’t know that I can.” Nick closed his eyes and shuddered. “Dream itself is stupid, but the fear, the death….” He began shaking as his voice trailed off and he found himself unable to continue. It didn’t matter. Jarrod reached out and held onto Nick assuring him that he, Jarrod, understood. He didn’t push Nick to talk; he simply held on and waited, more than grateful that at last Nick was turning to him like he used to.

Chapter Nine

Heath stood in front of a tall, brown oak tree. Jarrod was standing beside him. The two of them were watching as Adam sat under a tree and visited with Nick. Actually, from the looks of it, Adam was doing the majority of the talking, but at least Nick-who had had another panic attack just that morning, was sitting quietly and listening. Hoss was near the fire pit cleaning some fish he had caught. While the morning was going along okay now, Heath couldn’t get the dream that Nick had finally been able to repeat the night before out of his mind.

“You’re thinking about Nick’s re-occurring dream.” Jarrod spoke up after looking over at his blonde haired brother and seeing the faraway look in Heath’s eyes.

Heath shook his head and said, “Nick’s right. It’s a stupid dream only what does it mean? What is his subconscious trying to tell him? I mean besides the fact that he was in the war.” Heath looked at Jarrod, hoping he’d been able to make sense of the dream.

Jarrod shrugged his shoulders. “I have no clue, only I lay in my bed this morning thinking on everything that Adam has said since proposing this trip. Then, after you and I talked about that dream after breakfast, I thought on it some more. I have to say I think the answers Nick wants, answers we all want, lie in that dream. No matter what,” he looked at his blonde haired brother, “we’ve got to stick this trip out.”

Heath knew Jarrod had said that because Jarrod and he had been more than concerned with the panic episode that Nick had suffered just that morning; it had been quite bad. It had been all they could do to get Nick to leave the cabin afterwards. “I know.” Heath said after a moment. He and Jarrod then began discussing all the possibilities the dream could hold. While the two brothers talked, Adam was getting Nick to open up about the very same subject.

“I don’t know why you want to me talk about this!” Nick, feeling more than a bit annoyed, snapped. “I already told Jarrod!”

Adam smiled. From what he’d been told Nick had never snapped at anyone since coming home from the war. Adam had learned from his experience, and from talking with other men that, most likely, Nick was close to remembering more and was subconsciously fighting it. “Talking about the dream multiple times will eventually help Nick. You might not like it, but it does help. Please, tell me the dream this time and don’t be afraid to add anything if you remember it.”

Nick leaned back against the tree and closed his eyes. Repeating the dream for Jarrod had not been pleasant and then to have yet another panic attack…he sighed. It had been all he could do not to run back to the ranch and to tell his brothers, Adam and Hoss to leave him alone. Now Adam wanted him to repeat the dream over again?

Adam said nothing as Nick kept his eyes closed, remembering all too well how he’d been like. His father and brothers had been patient with him; he would do the same for Nick. As he waited for Nick to say something, anything, Adam kept his eyes on the Azure blue sky and watched the birds flying overhead. He was sure a solid thirty minutes passed before Nick finally started speaking; only then did Adam turn his eyes away from the birds.

“There is nothing at first, just a misty fog. However,” Nick felt a knot begin to form in his stomach and he felt himself going rather rigid.

“Easy Nick, I have all the time in the world. Take as long as you need.” Adam said just as Heath and Jarrod, along with Hoss who had finished what he was doing, walked up. Adam told them what he’d asked Nick to do. Jarrod, who could see how stressed Nick was starting got look, began to object only to have Nick open his eyes.

“If I don’t want to say anything, I won’t.” Nick gave Jarrod a small smile. “You should know that by now.”

Jarrod smiled back and sat down next to Nick; Heath remained standing as Nick again began telling them about the dream. He told them how the mulberry bush would appear out of nowhere, how roosters, hens, and chickens would begin to appear in a circle around the mulberry bush. He told them how the roosters, hens and chickens were all making happy noises and how some of them even began dancing. “But they freeze,” Nick’s voice broke as his chest started moving up and down just a bit faster, an action that had both of his brother moving closer to him. Nick took a deep breath and waved his hand through the air, telling them to stay where they were. “Just give me a few minutes.” Nick said as he fell silent. What seemed like hours passed-in all reality it was only three of four minutes-before Nick began talking again.

“They freeze and I can feel fear in the air. All of a sudden there’s loud noises and the roosters go from looking fine and healthy to wounded and sickly. The hens and chickens are making all kinds of racket and then they all disappear into the bush.” Nick shook his head and told them he could see something in the air in the dream only he couldn’t tell what it was. By the time he was finished Nick had his head bowed.

Jarrod, Heath and Hoss looked at each other and then to Adam who had his hand on Nick’s shoulder. They could tell the oldest Cartwright was deep in thought. Finally, the uneasy silence was broken when Hoss’ stomach growled. It might not have made anyone laugh only Nick, his head still bowed, told Hoss to go eat. “If you don’t, you’re stomach’s bound to scare any fish or animals away later.”

“You gonna be okay?” Hoss asked, concerned since Nick seem to be shivering slightly…and it was fairly warm day.

“I’ll be fine. Now, go eat. My ears don’t need to hear your stomach talking to you.” Nick snapped ever so slightly, and then apologized saying he just wanted to be left alone.

Hoss nodded and walked away. However, Jarrod, Heath and Adam stayed standing where they were. After talking among themselves, it was decided that Heath would stay within fifteen feet of Nick-though he would say nothing unless Nick started the conversation. When asked if that was okay with him, Nick simply shrugged his shoulders. Seeing Nick wasn’t talking, but not objecting either, Adam and Jarrod walked away while Heath walked over to a tree that stood approximately the same distance away as he and the others had agreed upon.

Chapter Ten

“Call me what you want, only I just know that dream is about one particular conflict, and that event started Nick down this path he’s on. We need to try to figure out which event it was and get him to deal with it. I think that once he’s done that, he’ll be able to continue going forward. Not that I’m saying these attacks of his will entirely disappear, I’m not. Only they will decrease drastically; I’m sure of it.” Adam, who sat in a chair that was on the porch cabin, looked at Jarrod, who sat close by. He was keeping his voice low even though the cabin door was closed. After repeating the dream for Adam, Jarrod and the others, the day before Nick had sat under the tree not talking or moving for a solid hour. After that, he’d d disappeared into the room he and Heath were using. Now, he sat in the living room reading a book he’d brought along.

“We promised Nick not to talk about the war.” Jarrod, who had his elbows resting on his knees while he rested his chins on his clasped hands, did not like what he was hearing. Other than the conversation he’d had on the veranda with Adam and talking about the dream, Nick was still speaking very little. Jarrod didn’t want to any of them to break their word to Victoria, his mother’s fears to become a reality. If they did, Jarrod knew Heath, who had gone fishing with Hoss, would never forgive him. Besides, it was hard enough for him to continue to allow Adam to have such a say in what they did for Nick. If it weren’t for the fact that Nick had taken a step forward by talking to him-Jarrod-about the dream and for Adam’s own experience, Jarrod would have told their visitor to back off. As it was, for Nick’s sake-and his alone-Jarrod made himself keep his mouth shut on that subject.

“I didn’t say we have to come right out and get him talk to about the war.” Adam explained. “However, we need to find things to say that could, in all honesty, be compared to the things we saw in the war. And, before you ask, I don’t mean go in there and sit around to do it. I mean, get him to come back outside and either go fishing with us or simply go on a walk. Visiting with each other and swapping stories that don’t necessarily pertain to the war won’t be breaking promises.” He wasn’t surprised when an extreme amount of concerned appeared in the eldest Barkley’s eyes. “Jarrod, Nick needs to start facing whatever it is that happened during the war so he can let it go. He made a step forward when he shared that re-occurring dream with you and again when he shared it with all of us, adding the part about the fog and the fact that there was something in the sky he could not identify. Remember, he didn’t mention those two things when he shared the dream with just you.” Adam then glanced towards the window and then back at Jarrod. “Like it or not, it’s obvious he needs help to face whatever started him down this path. It doesn’t make him weak; it makes him human.”

Jarrod stood up and leaned against one of the two poles that held up the cabin’s awning that hung over the porch and rubbed his chin. Heath had, basically, said the same thing before he’d left with Hoss. “If Hoss and Heath catch any fish, we can fry the fish over a campfire over there,” Jarrod pointed to a fire pit that had been dug for anyone who used the cabin, though it had not been used much since an old pot belly stove had been installed. “But if he stands up and walk away only I or Heath will follow him. We will not force him back.”

Adam smiled. He liked that idea. Swapping tales around a campfire was as old as the hills. “We’ll have to do it before it even gets close to being dark.” Adam stood up and again glanced at the window. “I fear doing it once it starts getting dark would only to automatically turn Nic’s conscious mind to the war, and we can’t have that. We need to be free to swap those stories I was talking about. If we don’t then it would be the end of any attempt to help him remember anything today, maybe the end period.”

Jarrod wasn’t about to argue with Adam on that one. When he feared the same thing as the eldest Cartwright, how could he?

~oOo~

Hoss, who was standing in water that went half way up his calves, gave a shout as he caught another fish. However, the shout quickly died as he saw Heath, who was sitting on a nearby log. The blonde haired cowboy was looking out across the stream and looking at nothing in particular.

“You gonna go get yerself lost too?” Hoss asked as he waded through the water, back onto dry land and over to where Heath was sitting.

Heath, who turned his head when Hoss spoke, gave the gentle giant a crooked smile. “Nope, just can’t get Nick and that dream of his off my mind, among other things is all.” He, like Jarrod, struggled with the fact that it was taking an outsider to help where he, Heath, felt the family should be dealing with it by themselves. And, just like Jarrod, he was keeping his mouth shut knowing that having the extra help could very well be just what they needed.

Hoss sat down on the same log and nodded. “Adam had re-occurring dreams too, used to get me ten feet in the air when he’d get to yellin’ and screamin’. Though, once he made sense of the dreams and dealt with it, they stopped comin’. Reckon that’s what you want fer yer brother.” He looked at Heath as if to say ‘don’t tell me I’m not right about that. I’m a giant, only I’m not stupid.’

Heath turned his gaze back towards the stream. He thought back to the first time he’d seen Nick. He, Heath, had been on the ranch for twenty-four hours before he’d learned there was another brother. At first he’d felt shock only to have his feelings turn to great sympathy when he learned of Nick’s condition. He had to chuckle slightly as he remembered how fiercely Jarrod was when it came to letting Heath near Nick even if Nick always kept Jarrod at arm’s length. “At least he shared the dream with Jarrod first.” Heath turned his face back towards Hoss and said after a few moments of silence.

Hoss smiled. He knew what Heath could not bring himself to say. Heath had felt a huge weight taken off his shoulders when Nick had turned to a second person as well as him. Hoss also knew that didn’t mean Heath had thought of Nick as a burden or anything like that; the man-like the rest of them-simply needed a break now and then. “He’ll continue to make progress; you’ll see.” Hoss assured Heath and then, grabbing the fish they’d caught, he asked Heath who he thought could make it back to the cabin first. Heath just laughed as he jumped up and started to run to catch up to Hoss, who was already running towards the cabin.

Chapter Eleven

Audra had found herself unable to sleep so descended the stairs and walked into the dining room after realizing the light in that particular room was on. She found her mother standing in front of the dining room window looking as if she was a thousand miles away. Quietly, Audra walked up beside her mother. “Do you think we did the right thing? I mean, do you think Nick will get better?” She couldn’t keep the fear she felt for her brother out of her voice as she thought on a young man she barely remembered going off to war and the troubled man who had returned afterwards.

Victoria gave her daughter a small smile as she remembered how many times Nick had made her jump before the war. “I hope so. I’d gladly welcome the sound of a slamming door just to have him past this problem.”

“I always thought it was father slamming that door. I never realized it was Nick.” Audra told her mother as she, Audra, walked over to the table and sat down.

“Mother!” Fifteen year old Nick walked through the front door and slammed it shut as he called for his mother, only to realize Victoria was in the living room when she jumped a foot in the air and whirled around.

“Nick, won’t you ever learn to enter a house quietly!” Victoria scolded her son.

Victoria, who was still facing the window, closed her eyes and fought to keep her composure. Ever since Nick had come home, Victoria had that memory stuck in her head. If she could, she’d turn back the hands of time and take back her words. “Yes, it was your brother. Your father was loud it’s true, but Nick had him beat by a long shot. Any memory you might have that has an extremely high amount of volume connected to it? You’re most likely remembering Nick.” Victoria said as she turned around and joined her daughter at the table.

“Maybe we could ride and see them. I…” Audra started to talk, only to find her mother taking a hold of her hand, a look of resignation was in her mother’s eyes.

“No, I promised Jarrod, Heath and the Cartwrights we’d stay here.” Victoria held up her free hand when Audra started to object. After all, she wanted to see Nick, to know they had done the right thing. “No, Audra, please. For Nick’s sake, leave this matter to your brothers and their friends. As much as we might hate it, we can do nothing for Nick that we haven’t already tried.” Victoria then changed the subject knowing it wouldn’t do either one of them any good to sit and dwell on the matter too long.

~oOo~

Nick stood on the porch letting the evening breeze blow across his face, while Jarrod sat on a nearby chair that Heath had brought out earlier. His mind was on their campfire supper and the stories his brothers and the Cartwrights had exchanged. It had been a long time since he’d been a part of any such activity.

“Hey, it’s not my fault you weren’t looking where you were going.” Adam, who sat on the ground a few feet from the fire pit, defended himself when Hoss told the three Barkley brothers how he’d got water over him when he bumped into a ladder that Adam had left in front of the house…and it had a bucket of water on top of it.

“You knew full well I was in a hurry. All you had to do is move the ladder and the water; you just wanted a water fight is all.” Hoss laughed and teased back.

Jarrod and Heath, who had both kept one eye on Nick as the stories had been swapped back and forth, had been thrilled when a smile appeared on Nick’s face now and then. However, their joy was also tempered with cautious worry due to the fact that anytime words such as fight, blood-which was mentioned during one of Hoss’ hunting stories- and defeated-used by Heath when he was talking about a contest he was in when he was younger, one where he defeated his opponent-Nick would stiffen ever so slightly, though he did not bolt as they feared he might.

When a rabbit darted out of a nearby bush, Nick was so startled he jumped three feet in the air. When his feet hit the porch, he had his back up to the cabin’s side. Because his chest was moving up and down rather rapidly, Jarrod jumped to his feet and moved quickly to Nick’s side.

“It’s just a rabbit, Nick.” Jarrod hurried to calm his brother who had, without thinking, gone for his gun…even though he wasn’t wearing one.

Nick closed his eyes and did his best to get heart back into rhythm; he could see the animals in his dream diving into the bush. Naturally, it didn’t’ help him any. “Blasted thing couldn’t find something beside a bush to come out of?” He said the words as if he had to reach into his mouth and drag them out.

“Breath Nick, just take deep breaths.” Jarrod put his hand on Nick’s arm, not surprised to see his brother making the connection of the rabbit coming out of the bush to the nightmare that had constantly plagued him throughout the years.

Nick did as Jarrod said. However, the moment he didn’t feel like he was hyperventilating, he turned his head and looked directly at his elder brother. “We need to go home.”

“If we’re successful, Nick’s memories will be stirred enough that he’ll want to go home, especially if something happens to stir them on a huge level.” Adam looked at Heath and Jarrod after Hoss had successfully gotten Nick to leave the campfire and go on a short walk with him. “Only you can’t let him. He has got to stay here; it’s now or never.” The scene from earlier that evening ran through Jarrod’s mind. “No, Nick.” Jarrod turned and walked to the other side of the porch, and then turned back around. We’re staying.” As hard as it was, Jarrod made himself plant his feet and take on his ‘Pappy’ voice as his family called it. “Running back to the ranch right now won’t get the needed answers and most definitely won’t help you heal.”

It had been years since Jarrod used ‘that tone’ with him and Nick found himself both furious and frustrated. He let out a string of cuss words and shocked Jarrod when he lunged at him. An all out fight might have occurred between Nick and Jarrod, only Hoss stepped out of the door at just the right time. Before Hoss or Jarrod could do anything, Nick’s fist hit Hoss’ chest.

Hoss, who stumbled backwards, quickly recovered and grabbed a hold of Nick, tossing him off the porch as he had once done with Adam when he attacked him. However, just as with Adam, he quickly apologized as Nick sat on the ground with a look of shock upon his face. “I hope I didn’t hurt you none, only ya come at a body like that and yer bound to find yerself in the dirt!”

“What’s going on?” Heath asked as he and Adam stepped out onto the porch.

“Nick wants us to go home. I disagreed.” Jarrod informed them as Nick rose to his feet.

While Adam didn’t know about the rabbit and how it had startled Nick, he wasn’t blind. He’d seen how the stories had affected Nick, wasn’t surprised to hear what had taken place. He restated Jarrod’s words and then looked at Nick with a look that would either make one walk the line or dig their own grave and said. “I thought you were tired of running.” He wasn’t surprised when Nick glared at him and bolted past him and the others, disappearing into the cabin.

“If he wants to go home…” Heath started to speak only have Jarrod raise his hand and stop him.

Jarrod explained what had happened just before Nick had made the request and then said, “Nick has reacted just the way Adam said. Whether I like it or not, Adam does know what he’s talking about. We need to stay. I’ll go talk to Nick. If I’m not successful,” he sighed and looked at Heath, “Please, for his sake, talk some sense into him if you can. If not,” Jarrod sighed and shook his head as he looked at Adam, “We’ll be going home.”

Heath said nothing as he glanced at the cabin. How he wished Nick would just deal with things and get on with living. Only when Jarrod repeated himself did Heath acknowledge he’d heard and agreed, even if he didn’t like it. Jarrod then disappeared into the cabin leaving Heath to talk to Adam and Hoss.

Chapter Twelve

Nick, who had disappeared into the bedroom he was using, had listened to Jarrod, Heath and finally Adam while they had their say. While he had not said anything to them in return, he had unpacked what few things he’d started to pack. He had eaten his supper in the room and had literally turned his back to his brothers and their guests when they’d tried to get him to go and eat at the dinner table. Now, with a new day started, he stood in front of the bedroom window looking out. He could see Jarrod and the Cartwrights sitting around the fire pit talking. Without looking, Nick knew Heath sat on the couch. Nick turned from the window and looked around. His mind was on the events of the prior evening and the dream he’d had after he’d laid down to sleep. He shook his head as he thought on all his musings from the previous night and when he first woke up. Whether or not he liked it, maybe Jarrod and the others had been right in saying they needed to stay. He took a few deep breaths and actually succeeded in getting himself to relax as he walked across the floor and stepped out into the cabin’s living room.

Heath, who had been seriously thinking about pulling his support away from ‘the other side’ as it were, was elated to see Nick emerge from the bedroom. He was relieved to see the way Nick seemed to be at ease, rather than uptight and on edge. “Hungry?” Heath stood up. He and the others had eaten a good hour before, only Nick had refused the food.

“Yes, I am, but don’t worry. I can get it myself.” Nick snapped ever so slightly, and then apologized. “There was no need for me to do that.” He said as he walked into the wide open “kitchen”.

Heath was stunned. Sure Nick had apologized to Hoss; however, he’d never apologized to Heath for any of his behavior in the past. Not that Heath minded, he didn’t; it was about time Nick saw the need to do that-apologize to him for poor behavior that is. As Heath watched Nick walk into the kitchen, he couldn’t help but have a few more shock waves roll over him. Whereas Nick used to walk around in such a manner as to send a message that he had a great deal of insecurities, there wasa slight difference in the way Nick was walking. Oh sure, it there was still a very strong message that said he still had a huge worries being sent only it didn’t appear as loud as it had been. “I’m sure you can.” Heath smiled as he stood and walked over to the table. After sitting down Heath, due to the fact that he’d witnessed Nick tossing and turning a lot during the night, decided to ask something else that was on his mind. He did it hoping to get Nick to talk some more. “How did you sleep?”

Nick let out a ‘harrumph’ as he stood next to the stove and shook his head. “Had that stupid dream again only,” he paused and closed his eyes, causing Heath to sit straight up. “Only I could see what was in the air as clear as I can see you now.”

Heath held his breath, not knowing whether or not he should ask just what it was, not knowing if he’d push Nick backwards. After what he’d just witnessed and realized…and now heard… Heath definitely didn’t want that to happen. However, before Heath had time to make up his mind whether or not to say anything, Nick began talking again.

“They were birds, chicken hawks to be exact only…” Nick turned his head and looked Heath. The look of pure pain Heath saw in Nick’s eyes made Heath’s heart hurt for his brother more than it ever had. What on earth was coming? “They wore union caps on their heads. I saw the roosters again too.” He stopped as he got a faraway look in his eyes as he told Heath the roosters were dressed in Confederate outfits. Nick fell silent for a few minutes, and then said quietly, “I think the chicken hawks represent union soldiers. The roosters have to represent the south.”

Heath felt his heart skip a beat as he heard Adam’s words from the night before come back to him. “As he begins to face things, more details will be added to his dreams and he’ll start trying to figure out the meaning behind it.” Heath hadn’t doubted Adam, only he hadn’t expected to hear this much out of Nick so soon sent yet another silent prayer of thanks upwards for their guests. “Wouldn’t surprise me,” Heath stood up, walked over to the kitchen table and sat down. He would have said more, only he wanted to give Nick to continue talking-if he wanted to. However, Nick said nothing as he finished cooking his breakfast.

Once Nick had his food on a tin plate he carried it over to the table. He then retrieved some utensils from a drawer that sat just underneath the sink and sat down. He knew what Heath was doing by remaining silent, only Nick had nothing more to say. The additional details in the dream had got him-for a brief second-thinking back to the war. And, as hard as it had been for him to do, he had told Heath everything without being prompted. Now, all he wanted to do was to eat his breakfast and not worry about the war or the dream.

When Heath could see Nick wasn’t going to say anything else, he stood up. “When you’re through eating, we’re all going fishing, except Adam wants to go to the creek Jarrod has been telling him about. You know the one that lies roughly three miles from here.” He kept his eye on Nick to gauge his reaction to the fact that the men wanted to go someplace without a structure for Nick to hide in. He wasn’t surprised to see his brother stiffen, though-with the slight change he’d seen in Nick, Heath hoped Nick would not fight going with them.

Nick wasn’t really surprised to hear what Adam wanted, nor the fact that others wanted to go along with it. He looked from his plate to his brother and stood up. “Give it to the animals.” He said glancing at the food, “All of a sudden I’m not very hungry.” He then headed for the bedroom saying not to worry, and that he’d go with them. However, if he was going to do that, he needed to get his boots on first.

Heath, who didn’t like the idea of Nick having nothing to eat, grabbed a few of the apples and some of the jerky they’d brought with them. It would at least give Nick something to eat if he needed it.

Chapter Thirteen

The breeze that was blowing through the air was a nice and gentle one, and the leaves in the nearby trees waved back and forth in the air. Nick- who had loosened up enough to do some fishing with Adam and Heath-was actually smiling and laughing. It was another first for him. However, Jarrod sat on a huge boulder a good hundred yards away trying to figure out why-when things seemed to be going so good-he felt so uneasy. However, he didn’t have long to dwell on the matter as Hoss, who had been keeping an eye on Jarrod, walked up and sat down on the same boulder.

“This reminds me of when my pa, brothers and I took Adam on one of many fishin’ outin’s. Pa and Little Joe got Adam to do some fishin’; the first time Adam began showin’ signs of truly getting’ better. You’d have thought I’d be happy fer my brother.” Hoss folded arms and threw Jarrod half a smile as he shocked the oldest Barkley by confessing that he, Hoss, had not actually been as thrilled as he ought to have been.

“Why not?” Jarrod asked as he stared at Hoss.

Hoss shrugged his shoulders and answered, “Reckon it was because I had spent so much time protectin’ that brother of mine, doin’ all I could fer him that when someone else succeeded where I thought I should’ve-I jist got plain jealous.” He gave Jarrod a smile full of empathy. “Nick still needs ya to help him, yer not any less of a brother ’cause Adam and Heath are succeedin’ where ya think you oughtta. I also realized I was downright scared. Things were going too good, and I was afraid it was just the lull befer the storm.”

Jarrod bristled slightly. He didn’t want to admit Hoss was right only problem was-the gentle giant had hit a main nerve with Jarrod and Jarrod knew it. “What did you do to get past that?” He asked as he turned his head to look at Hoss.

Hoss grinned from ear to ear. “Well, when it came to the jealously, I reminded myself that I did the best I could and others did the same; it’s all we can do. When it came to thinkin’ things were goin’ too good? I just reminded myself I couldn’t be of help to anyone iff’n I worried about a bunch of ‘what if’s’. I needed to enjoy the time with him; I needed to enjoy ‘today’ as it were.” He then looked in Nick’s direction and said, “This may be the lull befer a storm or he might just surprise us and simply come to terms with whatever’s started this whole mess. Reckon there’s no way for either of us to know that one. Now come on,” Hoss slid off the boulder and pointed towards Adam and Jarrod’s brothers. “It looks like they caught enough fish to have a fish fry for lunch.”

Jarrod smiled and hopped off the boulder. He didn’t know a lot about this brother of Adam’s, only Jarrod was grateful that Hoss had cared enough to take the time to talk to him. Soon he and Hoss had joined Adam, Nick and Heath. It didn’t take long for the fish to be cooked and for them to start eating it.

After they were done, Adam-who had noticed Nick beginning to tense up again-began singing once more. He hadn’t gotten half way through the song he was singing when Nick surprised everyone by interrupting. “Shady Grove,” He said as he kept his eyes on the dying embers-the only proof they’d just had fish for lunch. “Please, sing Shady Grove.”

Adam glanced at Heath and Jarrod to see if by chance they would at least sent a silent message that they knew the significance of the song. All he got were the two brothers shaking their heads ever so slightly. “All right, Nick. Have it your way; Shady Grove it is.” Adam once again began singing.

Shady Grove, my little love
Shady Grove I know
Shady Grove, my little love
I’m bound to go away

Cheeks as red as a blooming rose
And eyes are the prettiest brown
She’s the darling of my heart
Sweetest little girl in town

Shady Grove, my little love
Shady Grove I know
Shady Grove, my little love
I’m bound to go away

I wish I had a big fine horse
And corn to feed him on
And Shady Grove to stay at home
And feed him while I’m gone

Shady Grove, my little love
Shady Grove I know
Shady Grove, my little love
I’m bound to go away.

As Adam sang, Nick was sitting on the ground, leaned against the tree that was behind him and closed his eyes. All too soon Adam finished the song. While Nick would have loved to hear the song again, he wasn’t going to make the request. If he did that, his brothers, Adam and Hoss would really wonder what was going on. He didn’t want that-especially since there really wasn’t any hidden meaning in the song for him. He was simply feeling restless again and happened to really like the song. Only when he realized no one was talking did Nick open his eyes. “I thought I was supposed to be the silent one. Did you all of you lose your voices?”

Jarrod couldn’t help but smile at the playful irritation he heard in Nick’s voice. He hadn’t heard that sound in ages. Hoss was right… Jarrod couldn’t worry about any ‘what if’s.’ He was just going to enjoy today. “If you’ll accept that excuse, sure we have.” Jarrod answered and started laughing, as did the others. Their laughter only grew as Nick pulled his hat down over his face and growled in such a manner that they knew he wasn’t really offended, saying Adam might as well continue singing if no one was going to talk.

Author’s Note:

Shady Grove (song)
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

“Shady Grove” is an 18th-century folk song popular in the United States. It is a standard in the repertoires of folk, Celtic and bluegrass musicians. In most traditional versions, the melody is in the dorian mode such as the version in A dorian below;[1] however, Bill Monroe’s and some subsequent bluegrass versions use a major-key variation.

Many verses exist,[citation needed] most of them describing the speaker’s love for a woman called Shady Grove. There are also various choruses, which refer to the speaker traveling somewhere (to Harlan, to a place called Shady Grove, or simply “away”). Some[who?] have said there have been over 300 stanzas written and added as variations. One of the most recognized cover versions belongs to Charlene Darling and the Darling boys on an episode of The Andy Griffith Show (Divorce, Mountain Style (1964)), portrayed by Maggie Peterson and The Dillards.

The melody is similar to, and possibly based on,[citation needed] that of an old English ballad, “Matty Groves”.

Chapter Fourteen

It had been two and a half weeks since Nick, his brother and the Cartwright’s had had left for the camping trip. They’d been fishing in various spots a number of times. Jarrod, Heath, Adam and Hoss had all been happy Nick had loosened up enough to actually enjoy himself, even laughing on a couple of occasions. Now, Nick, who had been downright tired by the time he, his brothers and their friends arrived back at the cabin from what had been yet another fishing outing, headed straight for the bedroom. He hoped to get a good sound sleep as he hadn’t been sleeping that well the past couple of nights. He’d been too troubled by dreams that he couldn’t quite remember once he’d wake up. It took a few minutes but before long he fell asleep; however, the dream that came was all but peaceful.

Nick looked around. He could see the tent he was sleeping in, along with the ones that were being used by many of his comrades. The night was peaceful and there were stars shining down upon the camp. When he heard the rustle of a tent flap, Nick turned around and then stepped back in horror…two large chicken hawks wearing union caps and union outfits stepped out of one of the tents, yet they walked as if they were men. The hawks started squawking at each other and slapping each other with their wings. Soon the tent flaps to the other tents were opening up and other Chicken Hawks stepped out; they too wore union outfits. The fighting between the two main Chicken Hawks instantly stopped and the larger of the two started addressing the group.

Nick heard himself questioning the largest hawk’s words-even if he couldn’t tell what those words were-only to have the hawk turn around and face him; the look on the hawk’s eyes demanded that Nick not argue. The next thing Nick knew he and the rest of the hawks were flying through the air and diving down on the roosters, hens and chickens. Nick was then shocked to see himself going from flying with the hawks to grabbing one of the roosters, a hen and a couple of chickens and diving into the bush with them.

“NO!” Nick sat straight up as his eyes flew open. Heath, who had stepped out into the living room, came running back in. By the time he stepped into the room, Nick was out of bed and looking around as if he were in a daze and seeing something else besides Heath and the cabin.

“It’s okay, Nick. It’s just a dream.” Heath said as he took a step toward Nick only get the shock of his life as Nick bolted past him, pushing him aside as he did so. By this time Adam, Hoss and Jarrod were also standing in the small living room.

“Nick!” Jarrod, who could see the wild look in Nick’s eyes, grabbed Nick’s arm only to find himself being thrown against the wall. Before anyone could stop him, Nick had thrown the front door open and was running outside.

“We’ve got to catch him!” Jarrod scrambled to his feet and flew out the door; Heath, Adam and Hoss were right behind him. By the time they got outside Nick was standing in the middle of the clearing as still as any statue. When Jarrod and Heath looked as if they were going to run to their brother, Adam stopped them and held his finger up to his lips.

“Yes, we need to get to him quickly, only not so fast as to startle him. If he’s not really awake, we don’t want to startle him away. If he is, we still don’t need to be scaring him.” Adam said as he began walking slowly and cautiously towards Nick. Jarrod, Heath and Hoss followed in like manner. By the time they reached Nick, the two sets of brothers and spread out in a manner as to create a half circle around Nick…just in case he tried to bolt again. They needn’t have worried as Nick, who was now fully awake, was too stunned at finding himself in the meadow to even move. However, when he looked out of the corners of his eyes and saw Jarrod off to his right and Adam off to his left, Nick turned around.

“What happened?” he asked as he looked at his brothers, Adam and Hoss.

Heath explained what Nick had yelled and what had happened afterwards. He wasn’t surprised when Nick dropped to the boulder that sat in between Adam and Nick. The four brothers felt more than a bit helpless and lifted his hands and buried his face into them.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Jarrod finally broke the silence as he approached his brother and stood next to him leaning against the boulder.

“It’s another dream, but with the same animals and same uniforms.” Nick took a deep breath and lifted up his head. “It’s got to be about the war.” He went on to haltingly tell the four men all about the dream. By the time he got to the part where he’d grabbed the one rooster, hen and a couple of chickens, Nick started hyperventilating again.

“Deep breaths, Nick, remember,” Adam quickly moved to the other side of Nick while Heath too moved closer. However, Hoss remained where he was looking as if deep in thought. Only when Jarrod and Adam convinced Nick to go back and at least sit on the porch of the cabin, did Hoss speak up and ask Heath to stay behind. While Heath would have preferred to stay with Nick, he stayed where he was and waited for Hoss to tell him what he needed.

Once his brother and Jarrod had walked away with Nick, Hoss sat down on the boulder Nick had been using and shocked Heath when he said, “I think I know what’s going on. Well, I should say a part of what’s going on.”

“And what is that?” Heath asked as curious as could be.

Hoss repeated the part where Nick had said he had grabbed a wounded rooster, hen and a couple of chicks and then said, “I think there was some sort of skirmish involved, one that never should have happened. I think Nick was involved somehow. I think it tore into his conscience.”

Heath would have asked Hoss what gave him that idea only he had been thinking about Nick disappearing into the bush with the animals also. “You may be right. Maybe, in that skirmish, he helped someone from the south. Though, if he did that, it would have been because they were totally innocent of whatever was going on. He’s no traitor. I know that much.” Heath said.

“I believe you.” Hoss answered, as he kept his eyes on the cabin that where he could see his brother, Nick and Jarrod sitting. “Nick has a spirit about him, like the rest of you, and it yells there’s nothing but good in him. He’s got to be convinced of that though. I mean, he’s got to be convinced that no matter what happened, it’s okay.”

Heath didn’t have to be told something he already knew and said as much. He then headed back to the cabin, saying that he and Hoss needed to tell Adam and Jarrod what Hoss thought was going on…and then corner Nick on the matter.

Chapter Fifteen

Jarrod stood in the doorway of the bedroom Nick was using; his brother had his back turned towards him. He replayed the conversation Hoss and Heath had with Adam and him in his mind.

“We might not be right; however, it sure would make Nick’s dream make sense.” Heath stood on the porch, along with Hoss. The two of them had finished telling Adam and Jarrod what they suspected the meaning of Nick’s dream. Jarrod shocked them all by muttering ‘Mayville’.

“Mayville?” Adam questioned as he looked at Jarrod. “What was Nick’s involvement?” Adam asked the question that was on all of their minds.

“It’s a small town in the south.” Jarrod answered as he took a deep breath and told them how he had only recently learned about the skirmish and that General Alderson was the one who was the traitor. “He’s been arrested for his part in a plan to assassinate President Lincoln during the war. There were only wounded soldiers, women and children in the town when Nick’s outfit went through. At the time it was claimed a few of the soldiers simply got out of hand once they entered the town. Many of the other union soldiers tried to stop it before it got out of hand. I don’t know the exact details of the skirmish, but I was told by the army officer telling me about Nick that had, basically, been accused of treason. However, the officer also said Nick was cleared and not under suspicion within a couple of weeks after the incident. In fact, not only was he taken off the list of officers under suspicion, the army learned he had a lot to do with actually helping to get the trouble stopped.”

“Is that when he was sent to the hospital your father picked him up from?” Adam asked.

Jarrod shook his head. “It wasn’t until a month later; he walked into the hospital looking at nothing particular and saying nothing. They wouldn’t have known who he was, or what unit he belong to, but he had papers on him. Only,” Jarrod shrugged his shoulders, “it would fit the dream. I mean, the part about chicken hawks attacking wounded roosters, hens and chickens…they could represent the wounded confederate soldiers who had been sent home, along with their women and children.” Jarrod’s voice trailed off as he wondered if he was right or not.

“Talk to him, Jarrod.” Heath spoke up after a few moments. “Yes, I could try only you were the one that learned about the skirmish and General Alderson. If you’re right, I think you should be the one talking to him.”

Adam and Hoss quickly backed Heath up on everything he’d said.

Jarrod took a deep breath and stepped into the room, causing Nick to turn his head. He gave his elder brother a half smile and turned back toward the window. Jarrod was surprised, but relieved, when Nick brought the subject of the dream up. It gave him, Jarrod, the opening he needed.

“Do you have any clue to as what it might mean?” Jarrod asked, figuring if Nick already had an idea it would help for him to talk about it first.

“You mean besides the fact that I could be guilty of treason?” Nick asked a bit more sharply than he meant to. The question Nick asked cemented into Jarrod’s mind that he was right on what he had told Heath and the others.

“You’re not guilty of treason, Nick.” Jarrod laid his hand on his brother’s arm and then took a deep breath. “I found something out recently; something that I now realize might have started this problem of yours…an incident where you were put in a position where you had to make some very uncomfortable decisions and,” he paused, praying like mad he was doing the right thing in saying anything “due to your job in your unit, were in a position to be accused of such a thing even though you were innocent.” He waited to gauge Nick’s reaction, not wanting to simply blurt out the part where General Alderson was the guilty party. After all, the general had been, as far as Nick knew, a very good soldier.

Nick turned away from the window sharply, getting a very sick feeling in his stomach as he did so. He could literally feel as if he was very close to remembering something he had stuffed down deep inside him, something he had wanted to forget…and still didn’t want to remember. Once again, he thought of running back to the ranch, back to the safety of his home. As he did that all his brothers’ words, along with Adam’s, came rushing back to him. Slowly he walked over to his bed, sat down and closed his eyes.

“Nick?” Jarrod moved asked as he started walking towards the bed only to find his brother yelling at him.

“GET OUT OF HERE! JUST GET OUT!” Nick, who had been shocked beyond measure to see in his mind the largest Chicken Hawk’s face turn into that of General Alderson, bellowed as he opened his eyes, lifted up his head and looked at Jarrod. “I DON’T WANT YOU IN HERE! I WANT TO BE ALONE!”

Nick’s eyes had a look in them that Jarrod had seen many times over the years. It was a look that said there was no talking to Nick until he calmed down. Jarrod sighed and walked towards the door. As he reached it, Jarrod turned around and looked back at Nick, who was sitting on the bed with his head bowed. Jarrod’s heart went out to his brother. “You’re not a traitor, Nick. When you’re up to it, let me tell you the rest of what I learned. It won’t be pleasant to hear, I admit; though, I do think it’s important you hear me out.” He wasn’t surprised when Nick turned his back to him and did not give him any sort of reply. Jarrod sighed again and walked out of the room, shutting the door behind him.

The moment Jarrod shut the door Nick began pacing the floor. Once again he could see General Alderson’s face replace that of the Chicken Hawk’s. As he did so Nick felt a rage of anger, betrayal and disappointment roll over him, along with a sense of utter helplessness. “…let me tell you the rest of what I learned.” Jarrod’s words repeated themselves in his ears. As they did so Nick had a vision of the bush turning into a town filled with fire and smoke, along with screaming women and children…and he felt the walls closing in on him. He turned and, opening the bedroom door, ran through the living room and out the front door. As he did so, Jarrod, Adam and Hoss-who had jumped to their feet when he went racing past them-once again found themselves running out of the cabin and following Nick.

Chapter Sixteen

Adam, Hoss, Jarrod and Heath, who had been running faster than they had in a long time, came to a screeching halt once they saw Nick- standing near the ledge of a cliff. Fearful that the dark haired rancher had remembered too much too soon, the four brothers carefully and cautiously made their way past the few trees and many rocks around them…stopping when they were close enough for Nick to hear anything they might say-but not so close as to risk startling him.

Nick didn’t have to look to know who was behind him. Inwardly he sighed. He knew he should have stopped running long before now, only he couldn’t help it. He’d had such a rush of energy-made up of so many emotions-come over him; he’d had no choice but to run. Well, guess that wasn’t quite true only it sure had felt like it. Nick took a breath and closed his eyes. The feeling of a soft breeze blowing across his face seemed to calm his nerves. A portion of him wished he could freeze that very moment only he knew he couldn’t, no one could do that.

“Nick,” Jarrod, who stood on the east side of the path and thirty feet from his brother, called out with great urgency. “Please, I need to talk to you!”

Nick opened his eyes and looked towards the cliff. He wanted to tell Jarrod and the others to go away, again only he couldn’t. “So, talk, no one here is stopping you!” He unintentionally barked his reply back, and then softened his tone. “I’m listening.”

Concerned that his brother might not be able to handle what Jarrod had to say, the eldest Barkley attempted to get Nick to move away from the cliff. “Let’s talk underneath that oak tree.” Jarrod looked at a huge tree standing approximately thirty feet behind Nick. “It looks like a shady enough place.” Jarrod prayed his brother would listen. There was no way Jarrod wished to go home and tell their mother Nick had taken his own life on the excursion.

Nick was no fool; he knew what Jarrod was afraid of, what they were all afraid of. He was just so tired; tired of going from day to day with no answers and now, with the dreams becoming more vivid and nerve wracking…he wasn’t sure of anything anymore. When he heard Jarrod repeat his words, he felt as if his elder brother might as well have his arms wrapped around him. The comfort Nick felt in that was a feeling that had evaded him for so many years; he couldn’t help but smile just a little. Pappy, as his family had called Jarrod for years, had always been there for him. Though, even that bit of comfort did nothing to change the current dilemma within himself.

“Do as Jarrod asks, Nick!” Heath, who stood thirty feet away from Nick, on the west side of him, begged his troubled brother. “You need to listen to him!”

Adam and Hoss never said a word, letting the brothers communicate with their fragile brother. All they could do is send Nick their sincere expressions of support; support for all of them-and hope he’d feel that support as it wasn’t like he was facing them and would actually see it in their eyes. Adam and Hoss’ eyes traveled from Heath and Jarrod and then back to Nick, silently hoping the dark haired rancher would listen to Jarrod.

Listen, talk, Nick sighed again. That’s all he’d been doing since they’d came on this excursion….and it was forcing him to face something he had run so hard to get away from. He was tired; just flat out tired. His eyes still closed, Nick took a step forward. Naturally it made his brothers and their friends’ hearts jump.

“Nick, please!” Jarrod took several steps towards his brother and called out more urgently. “Don’t walk off that cliff! It won’t help anything! Come away from there! Let me talk to you; let me tell you everything I’ve found out! Things that maybe should have made the core of your problem obvious to me; I should have made the connection long before now I admit, but I didn’t!”

Jarrod’s words-the ones about the cliff-had Nick snapping his eyes open. He had not really meant to get so close and he felt chills go down his back when he saw just exactly where he was standing…not six inches away from the cliff! He was even more startled to hear his father’s voice. “You’re not a coward, Nick. For heaven’s sake, turn around and listen to these brothers of yours!” While Nick questioned his own sanity even more at that moment, he quickly backed away and turned around. He could hear four audible breaths of relief as he did so. He then took a few steps toward Jarrod.

When Nick stopped, Jarrod continued talking to him while Heath quietly made his way closer to Nick. He wanted to make sure if this particular brother got any ideas and turned around he’d be close enough to wrestle him to the ground. He needed haven’t worried as Nick started walking again. It didn’t take him long to reach Jarrod, who then walked with him to the tall oak tree.

Adam, Hoss and Heath all re-positioned themselves in such a way as to make it so that one-if not all-of them were blocking the pathway to the cliff.

Nick, who was still shaken up by finding himself so close to the edge, apologized to Jarrod saying that while, yes, he had been thinking of the doing the unspeakable, he hadn’t realized just how close to the edge he really was. Then, looking towards Heath and the others, he gave Jarrod a half smile. “I’ll have to apologize to them too. But, I guess it’s useless to ask them to join us right now.”

Jarrod shook his head and chuckled just a little. “Your guess is right.”

“So, what did you want to tell me? What was so obvious you should have seen it?” Nick asked as he leaned against the tree and looked at Jarrod as if to say ‘well?’

After what had just happened, Jarrod prayed harder than he ever had. He didn’t want to tell Nick everything, in fear that Nick would bolt again. He took a deep breath and began explaining how he’d been in Washington a month prior to the general’s funeral. He told Nick how he’d met an army officer that both he and Nick had known during the war. “He asked how you were doing.” Jarrod wasn’t surprised when Nick stiffened and hurried on to explain that he hadn’t said anything specific about his brother’s condition. “I simply said you still struggled with the aftermath of the war. I didn’t say how.”

Nick relaxed. The last thing he wanted to hear was that some army officer back in Washington knew just how serious his problems had really been. “So, what did he have to say that you think I need to hear?”

Jarrod, who felt as if he’d taken a thousand deep breaths, took yet another one and replied. “He told me all about Mayville and wanted you to know it was Alderson who was the traitor. The general added men to the group who were going through that town and sent orders behind your back for those extra men to start the trouble. He meant it as a ruse to reinforce the idea he was fighting for the north.” He went on to say how badly he felt as-once he’d found out about Mayville-he should have known what the problem was. Well, he should have known the majority of the problem and taken action at that time.

Nick felt his stomach turn and quickly sat down beside the bottom of the tree. He haltingly confessed what had happened to cause him to run from the cabin. “Seeing Alderson’s face in place of that hawk’s was too much.” His voice then turned to steel as he told Jarrod that while he-Nick-was running away from the cabin he heard himself arguing with Alderson. “I tried to get him to change his mind, told him we didn’t need so many men in spite of the rumors. When he wouldn’t listen, I thought he was simply erring on the side of caution.” His tears began flowing even more. “I didn’t know what you just told me…the fact that he was using us to destroy an innocent town!” Nick found tears running down his face, ones he could not stop. “They did nothing to us and they couldn’t defend themselves!”

Jarrod held onto his brother who was shaking quite badly while Heath and the others quickly made their way to the two brothers. At the same time Jarrod got the unmistakable impression that something besides the destruction of the town had taken place. When Nick’s tears had slowed down, and he’d stopped shaking so badly Jarrod asked quietly, “What else happened there Nick. There is something else, I can feel it. Maybe it’s the ‘pappy’ in me, but my instincts tell me there is.” Nick, who had had every bit of the hidden memories break forth as he cried while Jarrod held him, nodded slowly but begged that they not ask until the five of them returned to the cabin. It was a request Jarrod, Heath and the others were more than willing to grant.

Chapter Seventeen

Jarrod sat on the far left edge of the cabin porch while Heath stood behind him in the far left hand corner. Hoss stood in the far right corner while Adam sat on the right side of the porch. Nick sat on the top step facing forward, with his arms resting on his legs while his hands hung downward. When Nick started talking, his brothers and friends listened closely. “When the trouble broke out, the southern women were doing what they could to get the children hidden since there was no way they could defend themselves. The men, while wounded, were doing what they could to reason with the men who started the trouble. I was doing all I could to get the men to stop. I followed one of them-meaning one of our men-when he disappeared behind a house. I saw that man lift his rifle to shoot one of the wounded confederate soldiers, along with a woman I assumed was the man’s wife…” Nick’s voice cracked as he stopped talking for a moment.

No one spoke a word knowing he needed time to collect himself without being pushed. When Nick started talking, his voice took on an angry tone. “Like I said, the confederate man was wounded badly. He could do nothing to defend himself! The woman was at least six months along with a child and there was a boy no more than three years old beside her. Our man was going to shoot them…just shoot them down in cold blood! They weren’t attacking him!” Nick doubled up his fists. “I couldn’t just stand there and watch him murder four innocent people-and, yes, I counted the unborn child as a life.”

Nick’s voice cracked again as he told them how he’d tried to simply fire a warning shot to keep the man from shooting. “However,” Nick shook his head and said, “The bullet hit something-I don’t know what-and ricocheted. Our soldier was killed when the bullet hit him in the back.” The guilt that Nick felt could be heard as the words poured out of his mouth. “I never meant for my comrade to be killed, but I didn’t have time to think about it. I knew if any of our men saw the family with one of our soldiers-a dead one at that-there’d be no reasoning with them, no explaining what had really happened. So, I hurried and hid the family-swearing them to secrecy- and then went and helped get the trouble stopped.”

Nick stood up, walked at least eight feet and turned around, a sincere look or regret appeared in his eyes. “I remember I helped put out the fires, tried to reassure the survivors that the act was not planned and, later, I made a report out. I remember having to go through the hell of repeating the story more than once as the army, basically, accused me of treason. After that things are still rather blurry.” Nick shook his head as he said, “I know my unit fought at the Battle of Shiloh, but I don’t remember exact details as I was just going through the motions by then. The last thing I remember is standing in General Alderson’s tent after the Battle of Shiloh was over. I can’t tell you anything else. The next thing I remember is finding father leading me into my room. Needless to say that didn’t exactly help my state of mind any. I was convinced for months afterwards I had gone crazy and was simply dreaming I was home.” Nick gave Jarrod a small smile. “It wasn’t until you finally got me out of my room for more than a run to the bathroom before I was convinced I was really home. You know the rest.”

Jarrod was glad Alderson had been arrested as he, Jarrod, would have probably been tempted to take justice into his own hands if the man hadn’t been. If he’d read Heath, Adam’s or Hoss’ minds, he’d have found all three men thinking the same thing. As to what had pushed Nick over the edge, Jarrod knew right away what it was…as the army officer hadn’t just told him about Mayville. He stood up and walked up to Nick, laying his hand on Nick’s upper left arm as he did so. After informing his brother that the army officer had told him something else-something that Jarrod had not thought was of much importance until he’d heard Nick’s story, he proceeded to tell Nick as the others listened just what the officer had relayed. “After you walked into the hospital General Alderson and the men with him destroyed another innocent town, Nick. He used, basically, the same strategy he did at Maysville. With the trauma you went through in Maysville, along with your mental state afterwards, I suspect when you heard him repeating the same excuses for yet another town it was too much.” Jarrod looked at Nick closely to see his brother’s reaction.

“Makes sense, but to be in the condition I’ve been in…for so long…” Nick looked at Jarrod and the others confused, “it doesn’t make sense.”

Jarrod didn’t agree. “Nick, you were in bad shape after the war it’s true only you didn’t get in extremely bad shape until after father was shot in the back and killed. After what you just told us, I think that seeing father shot in the back and being killed instantly reminded your subconscious about Mayville and that comrade you accidentally killed. Also, you knew the railroad would cause more trouble and there would be more fighting…or the possibility of that was high anyway. I think it was too much.” Jarrod shot a look towards Heath, one that screamed ‘thank heavens you came to our family when you did’. It made Heath a bit uncomfortable only he was grateful for the family as well.

“And now? What guarantee do we have something won’t happen that will start it all over again?” Nick had known fear many times in his life, but the thought of doing it all over again…he knew he couldn’t do that.

Adam stood up and spoke. “That might happen only I doubt it. I mean, if you continue talking to at least Jarrod and Heath. I’m sure your brothers are willing to continue helping you all they can.” Adam threw a smile towards Jarrod and Heath, who both started grinning as wide as could be. “And I know men like me will always be willing to help you too.”

While it hurt like crazy to hear that General Alderson had been the traitor, and been willing to have innocent people killed just to attempt to protect his secret, Nick was grateful that his brothers, Adam and Hoss had-and were-giving him the help he’d needed…and still needed. “There is one thing I would ask; that is, as long as Hoss won’t take offense at the request.”

Hoss, curious as to what the request was, was the first to speak up. “I won’t take any offense. What do you want?”

Nick hesitated and then said, “Let me eat first when we go inside. I haven’t been eating much and I’m starved!”

Hoss, who knew how big his appetite could be, and the others started roaring with laughter as Hoss managed to promise through his laughter that Nick would have no worries when it came to getting his fill at lunch.

Epilogue

Victoria stood at the side of the house. From where she stood she could see Nick working with one of the wild stallions that he, Heath and a few of the men had captured. Heath was sitting on the top of the corral fence watching Nick as well. Her mind wandered a year back in time, back to the day her sons, along with Adam and Hoss, had returned from their camping trip.

Victoria heard the door open, but thought nothing of it as she continued arranging the flowers that she’d brought in from the flower garden. That is until one very loud voice bellowed “MOTHER! WE’RE HOME!”

Victoria couldn’t help but jerk backwards and whirled around just as Nick slammed the door shut. While a tiny portion automatically wanted to chew him out for scaring the living daylights out of her, her heart remembered she’d longed for this day to come. “Nick! It’s so good to have you home!” she cried out in joy, as she quickly let go of the flowers and welcomed her middle son home. Then, as the others entered the home she welcomed them back as well.

“He’ll be fine, mother.” Jarrod told her once Nick and Hoss and disappeared into the kitchen saying they were hungry. “From what Adam here says,” Jarrod nodded towards Adam, who had walked into the living room with them as they talked, “Nick still has a long road ahead of him only the much needed breakthrough happened, and that’s the important part right now.”

Naturally Victoria wanted the whole story. So, once Jarrod, Adam and Heath had sat down on the sofa or the chairs, the three men took turns sharing the experience with her. Of course, when Jarrod got to the point in the story where Nick had gone to the cliff, Victoria felt her heart jump. “Don’t worry mother.” Jarrod laid his hand on top of hers. “He’s promised to talk to Heath or me, if those thoughts ever cross his mind again. He wants to live just as much as the rest of us want him too.” He, Adam and Heath continued visiting with Victoria until Nick and Hoss, who had finished eating, appeared in the living room. Needless to say, Nick received another strong embrace from his mother.

Victoria’s mind then turned to the short conversation she’d had with Adam and Hoss at the train station they day they left to return to their own homes and families.

“I can never thank you the two of you enough, especially you Adam.” Victoria said after Nick and Heath had taken their leave; Jarrod sat in the nearby surrey. “You were an answer to a long said prayer. I expect to see you and your brother again sometime, along with your families. I’d love to meet them.”

Adam and Hoss smiled. “If we can talk Eliza and Mary into it, we’d love to come again.” Adam told her. Hoss might have said more than goodbye, only the train whistled sounded and he and Adam had to hurry and board.

“You all right, lovely lady?” Jarrod, who had just arrived home from San Francisco, asked as he walked up to his mother and drew her back to the present.

“I’m fine.” Victoria smiled as she glanced at Jarrod and kept her eyes on Nick. The past year had proved difficult as Nick’s dreams-some of them nightmares-continued. Still, as Adam had advised him, Nick had turned to his brothers and leaned on them on more than one occasion. The day Heath had walked into the house and announced that it Nick and he were both running the ranch had been cause for a huge celebration.

As if he could read his mother’s mind, Jarrod looked towards Nick and Heath and said, “They’re doing a great job of running the ranch. In fact, the men said, Nick did an amazing job holding his own on the last cattle drive, and he didn’t take any guff from any of the men. You’re not still worried about him are you?” Jarrod knew how close of an eye his mother had been keeping an eye on Nick. He couldn’t blame her, not after so many years of watching him simply exist-she would naturally worry he was going to slip back into that kind of existence again.

Before she could answer him, they saw one of the men say something to Nick. What it was they didn’t know for sure, only they had no problem hearing Nick’s reply.

“BOY, THIS IS A WORKING RANCH! I DIDN’T HIRE YOU TO MAKE EXCUSES TO GET OUT OF WORK! NOW, EITHER DO THE JOB OR LEAVE! QUITE FRANKLY, I DON’T REALLY CARE WHICH ONE YOU DO! DO YOU UNDERSTAND?”

Victoria started smiling from ear to ear-as did Jarrod. “I’m fine, son. I’m perfectly fine!” She chuckled, turned around and headed towards the door.

Jarrod followed as he too chuckled, thinking to himself; it sure felt good to have Nick home at last…really home that is.

The End

 

Author’s Note:

When I was in college I had a classmate in one of my classes who had suffered a BAD case of PTSD after serving in Iraq. The comment about the experts in this story more or less came about because of talks I had with him. The talks I had with him, and stories I’ve heard, are greatly influencing this story. I apologize upfront for the length of this chapter. Blame the talk between Adam and Jarrod-they were being downright picky about their conversation.

After this chapter was written and posted on another site, I was kindly reprimanded for using the “wrong definition” for Agoraphobia. All I can say is that the site I looked at (which I wish I had saved) when I was writing this said…it was a fear of leaving anything familiar BECAUSE of the fear of panic attacks etc. This chapter is long enough that I didn’t think it was necessary to put the reasons behind the fear. If the first part of that is wrong, blame the source not me. I do what I can to be accurate and I can only do so much. Also, there are those who say the word wasn’t even used in the 1800’s. All I can say is my research says different.

Also, I have Adam and Jarrod using the term “Battle Fatigue”. Come to find out that term was not used until World War 2, but I’m not doing more research just to find out what they would have called it back in the 1800’s. So, please, if it bugs you at all? Just remind yourself this is fan fiction and call it writer’s liberty.

 

Tags:  Adam Cartwright, Angst, Civil War, Hoss Cartwright, Suspense,