Summary:  An unusual take on what it’s like living in the big house.

Rating:  K  (1,540 words)

AN AFTER WORK DISCUSSION

An After Work Discussion

By

Jenny Guttridge

Written as a bit of fun on May day

And no prizes for guessing which season my local TV station is showing!

Joe Cartwright tied his pinto horse to the hitching rail outside the house and headed for the polished front door. Not for the first time he wondered why the door was equipped with a large brass knocker but only a latch on the inside and was never, ever locked. It was just one of the mysteries that of late, had become increasingly perplexing.

He slammed the door shut behind him and hung up his hat and his gun belt on the peg just the way he’d been taught. His family were already gathered around the log fire that burned in the stone hearth day and night, summer and winter. Joe joined them, throwing himself into a chair, and put his feet up on the table.

Ben glanced up from his newspaper “Put your feet on the floor, please, Joseph”

Joe sighed and put his feet on the floor. “Pa, why is it that the people in Virginia City hate us so much?”

Ben looked up again, frowning “What makes you think they hate us, son?”

“Well, I just figure they have to hate us. I mean, just a couple of months ago Adam was in all that trouble when it looked like he shot that saloon girl he was all sweet on, an’ all the folks in Virginia City were hammerin’ on the jail house door set on lynchin’ him”

Ben thought back “I guess that’s true”

“An’ then a couple o’ weeks later you got all shot up stoppin’ them bank robbers, and that gang rode into town all for killin’ you, they all went an’ hid in their houses and Hoss couldn’t get no one to help ‘ceptin’ the town drunk an’ he weren’t no damn good!”

“Wasn’t any good, and please don’t use cuss words in this house” Ben said, firmly.

“And just this week” Joe went on “They had you an’ Adam all locked up in jail and were fixin’ to hang you! Even had the ropes around your necks! All on the word of that lyin’ little flipperty jibbet in the blue dress what said you shot her Pa. Where were all the good people of Virginia City then? If it hadn’t been for that fella what wore his gun in his pants belt they’d have hung you for sure. Wasn’t much Hoss’n I could’ve done with just a couple o’ shot guns”

Ben sighed at his son’s use of grammar but before he could say anything about it Hoss joined in the conversation.

“What Little Joe says is right, Pa. Just where are all the people in Virginia City? Ain’t it supposed to be a town booming on the back o’ the silver lode? When ever we ride in there them streets is always darned well empty. There’s scarce even a horse or a mule or a dog or nothin’”

“And where are the two hundred odd hands we’re supposed to have helping us run this place?” Joe went on, warming to the subject “A thousand square miles is one heck of a lot of territory and there’s rarely more than just the four of us. We mend the fences and round up the cattle and chop the wood and toss the straw”

“It’s meant to be hay” Ben interrupted

“Well it ain’t, Pa. It’s straw. An’ if we’re the boss’s sons shouldn’t we be more like, supervising the work instead o’ doin’ it all the time”

“I believe in my boys learning the business from the ground up” Ben said huffily.

Joe and Hoss exchanged long looks.

“Talkin’ ‘bout cows, Pa” Hoss said slowly “When’re we gonna get us more than those six little doggies that we bin drivin’ back and forth across that same stretch o’ country for the last season an’ a half?”

Ben sighed “Soon, son. Soon”

“An’ why don’t we get us a staircase that goes someplace instead o’ endin in a dead blank wall” Joe asked glaring at the offending steps “It’s just plain dangerous climbing that ladder at the back o’ the house and crawling across the roof every time we need to get to the bedrooms. ‘Specially when one of us is hurt, or sick. An’ what’s gonna happen if this thing runs and runs? How’re you gonna manage it when you get real old?”

Ben gazed at him “I guess we’ll think of something”

There was a silence while the three of them thought about the possibility of a long run.

Then Hoss said “Why is it I don’t ever get a change o’ clothes?”

Ben and Joe looked at him doubtfully. Hoss’s face screwed up as he tried to put what he wanted to say into words “Leastways” he went on “You three occasionally get to wear a different coloured shirt. Even if ol’ Adam has been wearin’ that same pair o’ pants for months. Say Adam, why don’t you get the wardrobe mistress to take them pants up for you, ’stead o’ rollin’ them up at the bottom all ’a time?”

Adam looked up from his book “Just leave me out o’ this, will ya?”

“We leave you out of it most o’ the time, big brother” Joe said “Most o’ the time you don’t have more than three words to say, and some times you don’t even show up at all”

Adam glared hard at him and went back to his book.

Hoss took up where he’d left off “Well, anyway” he grumbled on “How come is it that I don’t ever get no new duds to wear”

Adam glanced up again “At least you don’t have to wear this damned thing all the time” he said, looking heavenward.

Ben and Joe and Hoss gazed at him. There didn’t seem to be any answer to that.

“Perhaps” Ben said reasonably “The fact that we don’t get to change clothes too often accounts for the lack of ladies in our lives”

Joe sighed “They certainly never seem to hang around long, Pa. They either get sick an’ die, or they get shot an’ die or they just plain disappear”

“That goes for most o’ the people we meet ‘round here” Hoss added “Here one week, gone the next. Even all them folks Pa keeps givin’ chunks o’ the ranch to. Hey, Pa, why do you keep givin’ chunks o’ the ranch away”

“Because I have to appear generous and open handed, and we have to finish off every week making the customers feel good”

“Why’s that, Pa?”

Adam gave up the attempt to read and closed his book with a snap. “Because, brother dear, The sponsors like a nicely rounded tale to make folks feel good when the show comes to an end”

“Then why don’t they get us some decent story lines so that we could really make the folks satisfied with what they’ve seen?” Hoss asked, showing, for once, amazing insight.

Adam sighed and started to tick points off on his fingers “Firstly the story lines are restricted by the intelligence of the average viewer. You make them too complicated, the lower end of the audience isn’t going to follow them and they’ll switch off. The sponsor isn’t going to like that. Secondly, we get just forty five minutes, with several breaks for commercials, to tell the whole story, along with Pa’s moralizin’ an’ Joe’s hotheadedness an’ your dumbness an’ my …yes, well. That doesn’t give much scope for depth of plot or character development, now does it? Thirdly, this show, like every other, suffers from an acute shortage of money. That’s why there are few people, and few cattle and no new clothes. We’re lucky to get a guest star most weeks, even if they do get all the best lines”

“And what about the girls, Adam? Why don’t we never get to keep no girls?”

“Because the females in the audience like us to stay single, so that they can imagine becoming romantically attached”

There was another pause while they all considered the possibilities

“Something I’d like to know” Ben said, fixing his eldest with a steely eye “How come you’re my son, when I’m only twelve years older than you are”

Adam returned the look “You ain’t supposed to ask them things, Pa”

Hoss looked at his brother with starry eyed amazement “Gee, Adam, you are clever to think o’ all them things”

Ben looked fondly round at his family “Well boys, look at it this way. It doesn’t much matter what happens to you, you know you’re not going to be allowed to die, and even if you insist on leaving the show you’ll just get sent away to sea. And if you get beaten up or shot or lose the love of your life, you know that everything will be just fine inside a week, ready for the next episode”.

The Cartwright boys exchanged meaningful looks. Joe sighed “Just as you say, Pa. Just as you say”

Potters Bar 2000

Tags: Adam Cartwright, Ben Cartwright, Hoss Cartwright, Joe / Little Joe Cartwright