Summary: A letter from a far away island makes Ben remember an old love.
Rating: K+ Word Count: 1,636
Emma
Ben Cartwright looked around the table, sighing as he thought about the letter that sat on his desk, begging to be opened. Joe shared a glance with Adam and Hoss, but none of them knew what was going on with him. Ever since he got home from town, he’d been sullen and moody.
As his sons moved to the living room for their afternoon coffee, Ben decided he’d had enough.
“I think I’ll have an early night,” he declared, shuffling to his desk to get the letter that had robbed his mind of peace before he even opened it.
“Are you feeling alright, Pa?” Joe asked anxiously. Ben felt guilty for being such a bear with them that day, but he couldn’t help it. Taking a deep breath, he gave a shaky smile.
“Just fine, son, just tired. I’ll see you boys in the morning,” Ben clamped his hand around the envelope, feeling like it was going to burn a hole through his hand any second, then he straightened his back and marched up the stairs.
“You know what that was about?” Joe asked his brothers, Adam shook his head, casually flipping to the next page of his book. Hoss sent a glance up the stairs, he had the same question.
In his room, Ben sat down at the desk, clearing away all the papers that were there, then, still nervous about the letter, he stood up, and built a fire in the fireplace, all the while wondering about the letter that seemed to glare at him from his desk.
“Enough!” Ben ordered himself, wiping the sweat from his palms. He’d waited all day. Time to get it over with.
The letter was postmarked from Trenton Island. That alone set Ben’s heart to racing. Sitting at his desk, he carefully opened it, and pulled the single sheet of paper out.
19 August 1861
Dear Mr. Cartwright,
My name is Agatha Young. I live on Trenton Island. I know we’ve never met before, but I think you might know someone who lives on this island: Emma Taylor.
You might not be the right person, but seeing as how my research has only shown me one Ben Cartwright that could have known her, it’s my gut feeling that you are indeed the one I’m looking for.
Emma Taylor died this Sunday, around noon. In her belongings, we found several unsent letters dated in the late 1820’s early thirties.
She lived alone and had no close family, but we thought that maybe you would be a friend, and as a friend, you’d want to know of her death.
I’m sorry for being the bearer of such horrible news.
Best,
Agatha Young
Ben stuffed the letter back into its envelope with a strangled sob. It was what he feared all day.
He heard the boys moving around downstairs and prayed that they wouldn’t check on him.
This was one story they could never hear.
The story of Emma.
As if 32 years had not gone by, Ben could remember her, but then again, he felt it was impossible to forget someone he loved so deeply.
Sitting down, he grabbed his current journal and flipped to the next blank page. He hadn’t written in it for a month.
19 August 191861
Emma is dead. It’s been a long time since I wrote about Emma, hasn’t it? 32 years. Ben stopped, he couldn’t keep writing.
Sitting back, he saw her face in his mind. A short, doe eyed lady who’d given his life a breath of fresh air when the ship he was on needed repairs.
It was late at night when they docked, and Able Stoddard ordered him to come with him. They didn’t know what to expect, but what they didn’t expect was a small woman, lantern in one hand, the other resting on her hip, staring at them.
That was the first night Ben met Emma. She’d persuaded her father to help the sailors, and soon the whole island was trying to help, sharing space, and food. But Emma, she got his heart.
Thinking back, Ben remembered being slightly anxious, he’d never met a woman before that simply stared at him.
As soon as Emma realized she’d been caught staring at him, she ran.
His mind was a whole line of memories one after the other. He remembered chasing after Emma, following her into the woods, seeing nothing but darkness until finally, she stopped at an old, nearly broken down cabin. But the one that came first was a much sadder one.
“Emma?” Ben held the lantern as high as he could, trying to get some light into the darkness.
She stepped onto the porch of their meeting place, wrapped securely in her shawl, the wind was cutting.
“Ben?” Ben gulped, he no longer felt courageous.
She opened the door for him, greeting him with a kiss on the lips, the difference was this time Ben didn’t kiss back.
“Ben, what’s wrong?” She took the lantern from him, blowing out the light and setting it on the table. Ben was frozen.
“Emma, I lied.” He whispered it, but she still heard.
“About what, Ben?” Ben thought he would stop breathing. You can do this! He told himself. Honestly, he didn’t have a choice, but it was hard. So hard.
“I can’t see you anymore.”
“Why not?” Emma’s arms seemed pinned to her side. She was confused, and it showed on her face. First, he said he lied; then he stated that they couldn’t see each other. What was going on?
“Emma, I lied… I should never have started seeing you. I should never have put you through it. But God, I love you!” Ben was crying, a sight that Emma never thought she would see.
“I don’t understand,” Emma sat down on the settee, feeling like she’d lost her equilibrium.
“Emma… I’m engaged,” Ben stumbled over the words, his heart constricted as her face fell.
“Emma, please believe me. I love you; I love you more than I can say.”
“You belong to another,” was all Emma could respond. She clasped her hands together. Ben felt despair wash over him, rubbing his pants he felt the letter rubbing against his hand.
“Why. Why did you pursue me if you were engaged to be married?” She was on her feet, yelling at him.
“Because I was going to end the relationship,” Ben admitted in a whisper that Emma almost missed.
To Emma, this was even worse. He loved her, but in the end, she wasn’t good enough for him.
“Emma…” She was sobbing, Ben wanted nothing more than to comfort her, but he resisted.
“Am I not good enough?”
“You are more than good enough, you are perfect, but Liz…” Emma’s breath caught hearing “Liz.”
“She’s pregnant. Emma, I can’t abandon her.” God knew if Elizabeth Stoddard wasn’t pregnant then Ben Cartwright wouldn’t be in that situation. The young man cursed himself bitterly for having hurt Emma.
Emma turned away from him, not wanting Ben to see just how much he hurt her.
Suddenly, she pulled herself to her full height, and walked into the bedroom, closing the door behind her.
Taking that as his cue to leave, Ben wiped the tears from his own eyes, and with one more heartfelt apology, started into the night
He’d barely gone 5 feet when she opened the door again, calling him back.
“Ben, I want you to have this,” there were still tears trailing down her face, and she tried for a smile, but she failed.
“I don’t deserve it,” Ben declared, unable to look her in the eyes.
Emma looked at him, she wanted to hate him, but it wasn’t in her heart to do it, so she wouldn’t. Instead, she forced him to take the package, telling him, “this is for your ranch, Ben. I know you’ll find it one day,” before running back to the cabin and shutting the door.
“I’m sorry, Emma. So sorry,” the words flew into the wind. Ben knew then that it would be the twelfth of never before he saw her again. And it hurt.
A knock on the door interrupted Ben’s thoughts. He ran a hand wearily over his eyes and prepared for whoever was on the other side.
“Pa?” Adam had been the one elected to check on him.
“Yes, Adam?” Ben opened the door, hoping that there was no sign of distress on his face.
“Are you alright? We were worried.” Adam crossed the threshold into the room, looking his father squarely in the eye.
“I’m sorry I was such a bear all day, Adam. I’m fine. I’ll see you tomorrow,” Ben responded, wanting more time to himself.
“You’re sure you’re not feeling poorly?”
“No, son. I feel just fine, I was going over some mail and paperwork,” and memories, Ben silently added.
“Alright then, see you tomorrow,” Adam closed the door behind him, still wondering why his father was acting so strange.
Ben walked over to his closet and got a box from the top shelf. He carefully brought it down and removed a pair of worn chaps.
He’d had them so long that they were falling apart, but he refused to throw them out. They were the last reminder of love lost.
On the outside looking in, Ben seemed perfectly moral, upright, courageous and strong, especially to his sons. But not even they knew the whole story. They knew of many of his escapades as a young man, eager to make his way, and knock down anyone who stood in his path. But no one knew the story of Emma.
Putting the letter along with the chaps in the box, Ben vowed that they never would.
The End
Written for the 2017 Ponderosa Paddlewheel Poker Tournament.
The words/phrases dealt to me were:
lantern
chaps
delectable
on the outside looking in
the twelfth of never
Tags: Ben Cartwright
When I see how Ben reacts 5 years later, when little Adam plays with Elizabeth’s music box, it’s difficult for me to believe Elizabeth was his second choice. But if she had not existed, he would have fall in love with Emma, because she seems to be a lovely person.
Very true, Sibylle! Thanks for reading!
I just can’t see Ben and Elizabeth having a relationship before marriage. Not just because of the time, but because of the deep respect Ben had for Abel. I chose to believe that Ben knew he had to break it off because Abel already was introducing him in social circles as his son in law, and that he told Emma that Elizabeth was pregnant for the shear shock worthyness it would bring. But I do see that he deeply loved Emma and it broke his heart to let her go.
This is a courageous story, as you portray Ben in a way that’s not easily accepted. His distress and that of Emma is understandable. I feel very sorry for Elizabeth, for whom Ben doesn’t show much compassion. Two are needed to conceive a child, and I’m glad Ben doesn’t shirk from his responsibility. And still…Elizabeth seems so unloved, so unappreciated. Very moving.
Thank you, Faust! I feel bad for Elizabeth also, she’s definitely not getting much love here.
Just proves that everyone is flawed in some resoect.
Thank you for reading, Jojay!
That one hurt! Everyone has a past, even Ben, but for some reason I’ve always felt protective of Liz, maybe because she’s the most forgotten of the wives. (Even her episode is more about her father!) I feel sorry for Emma but I’m glad Ben came to his senses! I can’t imagine what Adam would feel if he ever found out. Great story! Very thought provoking.
Thank you, Beej! I think that I would be thoroughly disappointed in Ben if he’d done anything differently. Still, I think it’s fun to come up with ideas of how his youth was “misspent” 🙂
Poor Ben! That’s a secret that must stay hidden from his boys, especially Adam. As others have already said, it shows he’s human and flawed like all of us. Well done.
Thanks, SG! It would be too painful for Adam to ever know that story.
This hand led to a different view of Ben than the patriarch with the spotless past. Many loving children would be surprised to find their parents have some skeletons in the closet, but I agree it would be best for Ben’s skeleton to stay there.
* Forgot to add that I enjoyed this story! Well played!!
Thank you, DJK! I’d hate for Adam to know anything about it.
What a superb and concise exploration of Ben in a terrible moral dilemma! My only hesitation over this story is that I can’t see Ben “compromising” a young lady like Elizabeth before they were married. If in fact Adam’s mother wasn’t his last captain’s daughter (and we only have his word for it she was, come to think of it) then everything fits much more smoothly–especially if that first wife also wasn’t one to encourage Ben’s dreams of the West! Thank you for a story that really casts a fresh light on Ben’s past!
What a difficult situation — and especially having it brought up again all these many years later. Hope Ben manages to find peace again …
Thanks for writing!
Everyone has a past so I’m not surprised Ben does. It makes him more human somehow and lends “the voice of experience” to all that advice he gave his sons.
Nicely done. Things happen in life that we don’t have much control over. I can easily understand something like this happening during Ben’s many travels.
It’s hard to visualize anyone other than Elizabeth as Ben’s first wife. Emma does seem like a nice person, and it’s easy to understand how Ben would be moved by her death. I completely agree that Adam must never know, and so the knowledge will also have to be kept from his brothers.
The boys might be disappointed to learn that Ben was only human…but the story goes deeper than that. The only way Adam knew his mother was as the dearly beloved wife of his father–if he didn’t at least have that to believe, what would he have done? Yes, it’s best he never hear that story.
Bittersweet story of what could have been. Emma loved Ben enough to let him go but he never forgot her.
Not even a man like Ben Cartwright is flawless. We all make mistakes.
This story was really touching. Nicely written!
I could picture Ben’s face while I was reading your story. It was very touching. Good job. You did well with the words you had. Thanks
There’s a song about “trying to love two women is like a ball and chain”; though I never would have thought to see Ben in such a situation or the other you included. Well, he is only human, flaws and all.
Youth is often impetuous and mistakes can cast a long shadow. Poor Ben. I’m sure he doesn’t regret the path he ultimately followed, having three fine sons as a result. Even so, memories are sometimes painful, aren’t they? Thanks for writing. 🙂
Thank you, JC! Memories can be awful at times!
Interesting story that explores how complex a man’s character may be. It reminds us that none of us are unburdened by our past. Thanks for contributing this story to the tournament.
Thank you for reading, Belle!
It’s very hard to write a story where one of our favourites turns out to be flawed and you did a great job with this. I can only imagine the turmoil that letter would have invoked.