Summary:  Adam prepares to apply for Harvard.

Rating:  K+  (37,050 words)

Pride Comes Before A Fall

Hoss Cartwright flattened his nose against the glass and opened his eyes wide as he surveyed all the wonderful items in the store window. “Hey Joe!” he shouted. “Come and look at all these things!”

 

He moved over slightly as his little brother tried to push him out of the way to get a closer look. “Lookee there Joe,” he said, pointing to the array of glass jars that could be seen inside. They were all filled with the most wonderful selection of candy that any boy’s heart could wish for and both of them gave a small sigh in unison.

 

“They got liquorice,” said Joe excitedly, also flattening his nose against the glass in imitation of his brother.

 

“And gumdrops,” added Hoss wistfully.

 

“And peppermint sticks,” said Joe, pointing to them.

 

“And lemon drops,” added Hoss with a sigh.

 

Behind them, their father smiled at their older brother Adam as he reached into his pocket. “How would you two like to get some candy for me?” he teased. “I just feel like something sweet.”

 

Both boys instantly turned around to face their father, their eyes shining in anticipation. “Really Pa?” asked Hoss, eyeing off the two pennies that his father held up in his hand.

 

“Really,” said Ben, placing a penny on each of their palms. “And if you’re good I might even let you eat it for me. Now scoot!” He chuckled as the two boys nearly tripped over each other in their attempts to be the first to get into the store. “That should keep them busy for about ten minutes,” he said to Adam as he bent down and helped the young man to lift a large sack of flour into the back of the buckboard.

 

Adam didn’t reply, but his face showed his amusement at his father’s words, then for an instant it was replaced by a wistful one, as the memory of a small dark-haired boy of about Joe’s age flashed into his mind. In those days he’d looked just as longingly at the candy in store windows as his brothers now did, but the difference was that his father had very rarely been able to afford to buy him any. He shrugged as he considered that it was just another example of how much easier things were for the family now that they were beginning to make a bit of a profit on the ranch.

 

As he picked up a small barrel he considered how easy it would be to become resentful of his younger brothers who got to eat candy, sleep in the same bed each night and have the opportunity to go to school; things that he always dreamed of at their ages and yet never got to achieve. Well … the school part at least … for it was only two years ago that Virginia City had been able to afford a school teacher and by that time, he’d been too old to attend. Besides, Pa had needed him on the ranch full time and there was no way that he could have allowed his eldest son the luxury of attending school full-time.

 

Adam glanced through the window at his two brothers who were jostling each other out of the way as they gave instructions to the storekeeper about which candy they wanted. He could never have resented anything those two got because of the way he felt about them. He was glad for them that their childhoods were going to be easier than his, but there were times when he couldn’t help but wish that he’d had the advantages they had, too.

 

Many times he’d envied other children in various towns they’d passed through as he and his father … and later on baby Hoss ….  slowly made their way west. He remembered asking his father many times why he couldn’t go to school and as he’d grown older had learnt that the pained expression on the man’s face was a sign that he should have held his tongue. As an adult looking back on the way it had been then, he realised that his father had done the best that he could for him in the circumstances, but still he had wished for more.

 

“Penny for your thoughts,” said his father’s voice behind him.

 

Adam turned and smiled. “I was just thinking how those two always argue about what kind of candy they’ll get, and yet both of them will eat whatever the other one chooses anyway,” he said, the lie coming easy to him as he faced his father. He didn’t consider it lying so much as distorting the truth to spare the man’s feelings, for rarely did he let on his innermost thoughts to anyone … especially when he knew that it would have hurt his father to hear them.

 

Adam knew that his Pa had done an incredible job in raising the three of them in spite of all the tragedies that had befallen him over the years, and if he at times resented not having everything he’d wanted as a child then it was not for lack of Ben Cartwright trying. He remembered the efforts his father had taken with him to teach him to read and know basic arithmetic … the times he’d bought him books when he could ill afford them … the times he’d sat with his eldest son and tried to teach him rudimentary geography, maths, vocabulary or anything else he could think of to expand his mind and satisfy his thirst for knowledge. Yes, his father had done the best he could and Adam would never have told him the yearnings he’d had for more.

 

“There’s George Breckenridge,” said Ben, straightening up and easing his back as he pointed across the street. He held up his hand to acknowledge the man who waved back and crossed the street towards them. “George,” said Ben, shaking his hand. “Good to see you.”

 

George smiled at him as they shook. “Nice to see you too Ben,” he said before turning to Adam. “I was wondering if you’d be in town before the weekend,” he said. “I’ve got a couple more books that you might like to take a look at.”

 

Adam smiled. “Thanks,” he said, reaching into the back of the buckboard and pulling out a small briefcase. “I’ve finished that algebra too, so I was going to bring it by the schoolhouse before we left town.” He hesitated. “That is … if you don’t mind taking a look at it for me,” he added.

“Of course I don’t,” said the schoolteacher. “Haven’t I told you that often enough? Why don’t you come over as soon as you’re finished here and we can go through it together?”

 

Adam looked at his father for approval and Ben nodded. “That’s very good of you George,” he said. “We both appreciate you helping Adam like this.”

 

George nodded. “No trouble at all,” he said. “After all, it’s not every day you find a young man so eager on learning in a small town like this.” He grinned at Adam. “How’s the college application coming?” he asked.

 

“All done,” said Adam. “Actually, I was going to ask you to look over it for me as well if you don’t mind. I want to be sure that I’ve included everything.”

 

George nodded. “Bring it over then when you come,” he said. He gave the young man a penetrating look. “Have you thought over what I said to you a few days ago?” he asked.

 

Adam nodded. “Yes, but I’ve decided to stick with Harvard,” he said firmly. “After all … it’s the best.”

 

George shrugged. “A lot of people would agree with you,” he said. “But there are plenty of other schools Adam. Ones that don’t … well … that don’t require such stringent examinations for entry.”

 

“But Harvard is where I want to go,” insisted Adam firmly. “And besides, you’ve said many times that I’m up to it.”

 

“Well yes, you are,” admitted George. “But remember that’s only the opinion of a country school teacher.”

 

“You’ve taught in cities for years,” interrupted Adam. “I trust your judgement.”

 

“We both do,” said Ben, looking at Adam proudly. “Adam has his heart set on Harvard George, so I’m happy with his decision.”

 

“I just would hate to see you disappointed,” said George. “After all your work son, don’t you think that you should apply for a few more colleges as a backup?”

 

“No,” said Adam. “I intend to go to Harvard. I’ve worked so hard for this and now that ….” He glanced at his father and hesitated for a split second, not wanting to voice out loud what was in his mind. “Now that the … time is right, I intend to get there.” He shrugged. “I’ve got what it takes … I know it.”

 

George raised his eyebrows in reply, but said nothing.

 

Ben slapped Adam on the back and grinned at him. “Adam knows his own mind,” he said to George. “But thank you for caring.”

 

At that moment, Hoss and Joe reappeared on the sidewalk, each carrying a small twisted paper cone. “We got em Pa!” shouted Joe happily, holding his up for his father to see.

 

“Good morning Eric,” said George, smiling at Hoss.

 

Hoss gave the man a half-hearted smile in return. “Morning sir,” he said. Much and all as his teacher was a fair teacher whom he liked, school had never been Hoss’ favourite place to be and the very presence of the man brought back images into his mind that he’d rather not be reminded of.

 

“Enjoying your Easter holiday?” asked George, still smiling at him.

 

“Yes sir,” mumbled Hoss, looking at his boots and digging his toe into one of the planks of the sidewalk.

 

“Howdy!” said Little Joe, grinning up at the man.

 

“Hello there,” said George in return. He looked at Ben quizzically. “I suppose this one will be joining me after the summer?” he asked.

 

“Yes,” said Ben. “It’s time he was in school.” He chuckled quietly and his eyes glinted in amusement at the thought of it. “I wish you luck though,” he said, patting Joe’s curly hair. “You’ll need all your patience when he joins your class.”

 

George raised hiss eyebrows again. “Well, I’m sure we’ll both manage,” he said. “I’ve never met a child yet that I can’t control.”

 

Adam bit his lip and tried not to laugh as he considered the man’s words. “Most people think that until they get to know Joe,” he said wryly, indicating the small boy who by now had turned his attention to his candy and was trying to get some of Hoss’ at the same time.

 

“Well, I’d better get my shopping done,” said George, trying to ignore the remark. “I’ll see you at the schoolhouse later on Adam.”

 

Adam nodded and tipped his hat at the schoolteacher as he disappeared into the store.

 

“Adam?” said Hoss in a puzzled tone as he popped a lemon drop into his mouth. “How come you always wanna hang around with a schoolteacher when you don’t have ta?”

 

“Your brother enjoys learning,” Ben answered for him. “Which is something you could learn from him, young man,” he added for effect.

 

“Yes sir,” said Hoss mournfully. “I reckon.” He walked over to the hitching rail and leant against it as he watched Joe who was swinging around it happily as he sucked on his candy.

 

Ben picked up a small sack of sugar and put it into the back of the buckboard. “Maybe George Breckenridge is right son?” he said to Adam as they worked. “Maybe it would be best to put in a few applications to other colleges as well as Harvard?”

 

“But I want to go to Harvard,” said Adam stubbornly. “That’s always been my plan Pa. You know that.”

 

“I do,” replied Ben as they both worked. “But all I’m saying is that if the standard is so high …”

 

“Of course the standard is high,” interrupted Adam. “They have to keep it high to attract the best students. That’s why I want to go there.” He patted his father on the shoulder. “It’s OK Pa. I know that I’ll get in because I’ve worked hard for it. All those past papers that George Breckenridge has lent me … well they haven’t been easy, but I’ve got myself to the stage where I know the work inside and out. I’ll handle that entry examination fine …. I know I will. You don’t have to worry about it.”

 

“Son, I know that you’re a very bright young man …. there’s no disputing that,” Ben said. “All I’m saying is …”

 

“I know what you’re saying and I would agree in other circumstances,” interrupted Adam again. “I just don’t see the point in applying for other colleges when I’ve got no intention of going to them, that’s all Pa.”

 

Ben stopped and looked at the young man. “And if you don’t get into Harvard?” he asked. “What then?”

 

Adam looked shocked. “Of course I’ll get in,” he said. “As I said before … I know the work. Even though I’ve never been to school formally, George says that I’m very bright and that I shouldn’t have a problem because of all the work I’ve done by myself and with you and … well, all the help he’s given me.”

 

Ben nodded. “Yes,” he said thoughtfully. “He’s been a great help these past three years since he came to Virginia City. Our town has really been lucky to have a teacher of his calibre here.”

 

“See?” said Adam confidently. “He’s taught back East for years and he knows about these things. If he says that I’m up to standard then we’ve got to trust his opinion. I just appreciate all the tutoring he’s given me during these past three years and the fact that you’ve made it possible for me to do it,” he added, giving his father a smile.

 

Ben smiled back at him. “Well, it’s been worth it,” he said. “You’ve got a fine mind Adam and it would be a crime not to have let you make the best of it. I only wish that you’d had the chance to go to a regular school when you were younger. There are many things that I …”

 

Adam put his hand up to silence his father. “Pa, it’s OK,” he said. “I got on fine without all of that, didn’t I?”

 

Ben patted him on the back. “You sure did,” he said proudly. “And now is your time to put that knowledge to good use son. I’m mighty proud of you and I know you’ll do well at college.”

 

“Thanks,” said Adam slapping his hands on his trousers as he surveyed the full buckboard. “Now if you don’t mind Pa, I’ll go down to the schoolhouse. See you back at home later.” He walked to the back of the buckboard and untied his horse from it before reaching over and grabbing a couple of pieces of candy from Joe’s paper cone. “See ya fellars,” he said happily as he walked off.

 

“Hey!” shouted Joe indignantly. “That’s my candy!”

 

“Actually, it’s my candy,” said his father, with a twinkle in his eye.

 

“Oh yeah,” admitted Joe sadly as he held it out to his father.

 

“But I’ll let you eat it for me,” continued Ben, taking a piece from Hoss’ cone. “Come on boys, time we were getting back home with these supplies or Hop Sing will be angry.”

 

“He’ll say he’s going back to Old China again,” giggled Hoss as he climbed up onto the seat of the buckboard.

 

“Why does he always say that Pa?” asked Joe as his father lifted him up onto the seat. “He always says it, but he never goes.”

 

“Hop Sing just likes to say it I reckon,” said Ben easily as he settled himself next to the two boys and hitched up the reins. “Now sit still, the both of you.”

 

 

 

“Adam?”

 

Adam looked up from the book he was reading to see his father standing in the doorway with a lantern in his hand. “Yes Pa?” he asked.

 

“Isn’t it about time you turned that lamp off and went to bed son?” asked his father. “You’ve got to be up early in the morning for that branding.”

 

Adam nodded. “I’ll be up in time,” he said. “I just want to finish this chapter.”

 

Ben walked into the room. “What are you reading?” he asked.

 

“It’s about Plato,” said Adam, holding up the book so that his father could see the cover. “It’s one of the new books that George Breckenridge was talking about today in town. He said that there is usually a philosophy question on the exam and I need to read up about some of the great philosophers … you know … their theories and so on. I know about their lives, but this is more about ….”

 

“I see,” interrupted Ben quickly, knowing that his son was quite capable of talking to him about the topic for an hour if he’d let him. “Well, that’s fine son. Just don’t sit up too late.” He turned to go, but stopped as a thought struck him. “What did George say about your application?” he asked.

 

“He said it was fine,” replied Adam. “He did suggest that I include a few references though. You know … character references. He said that he’d be happy to write one for me and he suggested the minister as well. I thought I’d ask him tomorrow after church. Do you think that Roy Coffee might write one for me as well?”

 

“I’m sure he would,” replied his father. “You can ask him yourself after church tomorrow. He’s bound to be around town.”

 

Adam nodded. “Pa?” he asked. “There’s been something else I’ve wanted to ask you about. I’m going to need to start making plans soon.”

 

“Yes?” said Ben, coming back into the room.

 

“Well … can we afford the ticket to St Joe?” asked Adam. “That’s the nearest place I can get to for the examination you know.”

 

“I do know,” said Ben, trying not to smile at his son’s eagerness. “You’ve told me a few times before.”

 

“Yeah,” admitted Adam. “Only I like to have everything sorted out in my mind, that’s all. I’ve been worried about getting there. Are you sure we can afford the ticket?”

 

“I’m sure,” his father reassured him. “Don’t you worry about any of that son. I’ve been putting money aside for quite a while now for all your expenses and that includes the trip to St Joe. Let me worry about the money and you worry about that examination,” he said.

 

“Oh, I’m not worried about the examination,” Adam assured him. “Just about getting there, that’s all. I was wondering if we should book the stage ticket now just to be sure that I get one on the right week.”

 

“Tickets to St Joe aren’t that hard to get,” Ben assured him. “Besides, don’t you think that it would be best to wait until they invite you to sit for it first? You haven’t even put in your application yet son.”

 

“They’ll invite me to sit for it,” said Adam confidently. “All I have to do is go through the process, that’s all.”

 

“Adam, there is such a thing as modesty,” said his father, frowning slightly. “You shouldn’t count your chickens before they’re hatched.”

 

“But you always told me not to indulge in false modesty,” countered Adam. “And if I’m sure of being invited to take the examination, why shouldn’t I be honest enough to say so?”

 

Ben shrugged. “I suppose so,” he said. “Well even so, the examination is a long way off yet and there’s plenty of time to get organised. I was thinking that Mrs Shaunessghy might come out stay with Hoss and Joe for a week while we’re away, so I’ll have a talk with ….”

 

“We?” interrupted Adam. “Pa, that’s nice of you to offer to come, but I really don’t need you to. I’ll be able to get to St Joe by myself.”

 

“Adam, it’s a long way and you’ve never travelled so far by yourself. I think it would be best if …”

 

“But that would mean buying two tickets,” interrupted Adam again. “And that’s a waste of money. Besides Pa, I’ll be going all the way to Boston later in the year by myself anyway, so I’ll have to get used to it.”

 

Ben gave his son a fond look. “I suppose so,” he said reluctantly. “I hadn’t thought of it that way.” He put his hand on the back of Adam’s neck and drew the young man slightly towards him. “I still find it hard to remember that you’re not a child anymore son.”

 

Adam smiled ruefully. “I’m not,” he said simply.

 

Ben nodded. “I know,” he said, patting the young man’s neck. “Well, I suppose you’d be best to go to St Joe by yourself then. You get some sleep now.”

 

“I will,” said Adam as his father stood up. “And thanks Pa.”

 

“Night son,” said Ben as he stood up. There was the sound of a muffled cry from another room. “Sounds as if Little Joe is having another of his nightmares,” Ben said. “I’d best go and check on him.” He hesitated for a moment. “Adam … I want you to know that I’ll miss you when you go,” he said.

 

Adam smiled up at his father. “I’ll miss you too Pa,” he replied. “And Hoss and Joe. But it’s not forever you know.”

 

Ben nodded, saying a silent prayer that it wouldn’t be. “Good night son,” he said. “Sleep tight.”

 

“Night,” said Adam, returning to his book again as his father left the room to attend to his youngest son.

 

 

 

“Pa? I’m just going to see the minister before we leave,” said Adam, coming up behind his father as they descended the front steps of the small church. “I want to ask him about that reference.”

 

“That’s fine son,” replied Ben, grabbing hold of Little Joe’s hand firmly and pulling him back as the boy tried to jump down the first two steps. “I’m in no rush to leave, as there are a few people I’d like to talk to myself.” He turned to Hoss who was standing at the bottom of the stairs patiently. “Take care of your brother Hoss,” he instructed the boy. “Make sure he doesn’t get into any trouble while I’m talking.”

 

Hoss made a face. “That ain’t so easy Pa,” he said, grabbing hold of Joe’s other hand. “He kinda finds trouble even if he ain’t looking for it.”

 

Ben nodded in an understanding way, for no one knew better than he did just how much trouble the pint-sized child was capable of attracting. “Just do your best son,” he said.

 

Hoss shrugged and walked away, dragging Joe behind him. “Come on Joe,” he said. “Let’s look at the other folk’s horses fer a bit.”

 

Ben watched them for a moment and then walked across the small churchyard towards George Breckenridge who was standing by himself under an oak tree. “George,” said Ben, tipping his hat to the man. “I wanted to have a word with you if you don’t mind.”

 

“Ben,” replied George, smiling at the man and holding out his hand.

 

“I just wanted to say thank you again for all you’re doing for Adam,” said Ben. “He’s so excited about this college business, even if he’s trying not to show it too much.”

 

“He has every right to be,” replied George. “It’s not every day that a young man from a small country town gets to go to a prestigious college like Harvard.” He hesitated before continuing. “It’s just that he seems … well … very sure of himself. Don’t get me wrong, Ben, I’m very sure that he has an excellent chance of passing the entrance examination, but … well ….”

 

Ben smiled at him. “I totally agree,” he said. “There are times when that son of mine can seem sort of arrogant in a way.”

 

George’s face showed his relief at the other man’s remark. “You agree?” he said. “But I thought …. well … Adam’s a very smart young man … and ….”

 

Ben put his hand on the teacher’s arm to stop him. “There’s something you have to understand about Adam,” he said. “I know that sometimes he comes across as a touch over-confident, but in fact underneath all of that bravado he’s actually quite unsure of himself. I know him better than anyone and my belief is that it all stems from his childhood.”

 

George looked confused. “His childhood?” he asked.

 

“Yes. You see, until he was eleven we travelled extensively and he never had a chance to settle in any one place for an extended period of time. Oh, there were towns we stayed in briefly, but nothing terribly stable and I know that he missed out on a lot because of it. Also, the only mother he ever really knew in all those years was only a part of his life for less than a year and her death meant that he had to take on responsibilities that a child his age wouldn’t normally have to be concerned with.”

 

“I see.”

 

“I know that he missed out on some vital schooling,” continued Ben. “I tried to teach him what I could …”

 

“And you did an excellent job,” interrupted George.

 

“Thank you,” replied Ben. “But I know that it still wasn’t enough. I used to see the way he’d look at the various schoolhouses as we passed through different towns and I know that he would have given a lot to be able to attend some of them. I think that the fact he’s had to grow up so quickly under such circumstances has made him perhaps more competitive than most young men his age.”

 

George nodded thoughtfully. “So what you’re saying is that he’s trying to prove himself?” he said. “I’ve noticed how driven he is with his work and I think I can understand a bit more why now.”

 

“Exactly,” agreed Ben. “Driven is a good word for it. I think that he’s far too intense for his own good to be honest. This business about only wanting to choose Harvard … well you and I both know that it probably isn’t the best decision, but well …” he shrugged his shoulders. “That’s Adam, I’m afraid. He’s made up his mind that he wants to go to where he has determined is the best college and so Harvard is where he’s set his sights on going. No one and nothing will convince him otherwise, I’m afraid.” He chuckled slightly. “I know how stubborn he is, believe me.” His expression turned serious again. “The only thing that worries me is if he doesn’t get in … what it will do to him.”

 

“Well if it sets your mind at rest Ben,” replied George. “I honestly feel that there isn’t much hope of that. I’ve taught many a youngster in my years as a teacher and I’ve never come across any boy with a mind as sharp as your son. I know the standard of these examinations and all going well, he shouldn’t have a problem.”

 

“But nothing in life is guaranteed,” insisted Ben.

 

“No, of course not,” agreed George. “But all going well I think you can relax and assume that Adam will be on his way to Harvard after the summer.”

 

Ben slapped the teacher on the back and grinned at him. “Thank you,” he said. “You’ve certainly eased my mind considerably.”

 

George nodded. “Considering Adam has never been to a formal school, he really has done remarkably well,” he said.

 

“We have you to thank for that,” said Ben, giving the man a grateful look. “I know that he never would have stood a chance at Harvard or any other college if you hadn’t agreed to tutor him.”

 

“I know it’s been hard for you to find the money for the lessons,” observed George.

 

“I won’t deny it,” said Ben. “But with a son like Adam, it would have been a crime not to give him every chance at education that I could. I’m just sorry that I couldn’t have given it to him years ago.”

 

“You should be very proud of him,” said George.

 

“Oh I am,” said Ben, his eyes shining with the thought of it. “You can be sure of that,” he added. “He has his mother’s intellect.”

 

George smiled at the man. “I suspect he inherited quite a bit from you as well,” he said. “Your drive and determination for one.” Ben merely shrugged, but didn’t reply. “Actually Ben,” added George. “Now might be a good time to tell you that I’m thinking of leaving Virginia City.”

 

“Leaving?” said Ben quickly. “I’m sorry to hear it.”

 

George shrugged. “Thank you,” he said. “But I’ve been here a few years now and I feel that it’s time to move on. I’ve applied for a few schools back east where I originally came from.”

 

“Well you’ve been a great asset to our community,” said Ben. “And I can’t ever thank you enough for all you’ve done for Adam. Also Hoss. He says that you’re a fair teacher and that’s a big compliment coming from my second son.”

 

“He’s a nice boy,” said George. He looked slightly embarrassed as he added, “Um … you do realise that … well … Eric doesn’t have Adam’s … um …”

 

Ben held up a hand to silence the man. “It’s all right,” he said. “You don’t need to say it. I know that Hoss isn’t as gifted as his brother is in the academic sense. What’s important though is that he has talents in other areas. He’ll find what he’s good at as he grows and find a way to make his mark on the world in his own special way.”

 

George looked at Ben in a thoughtful way. “Ben, I do believe that you’re a very rare man,” he mused. “It’s not every parent who can be so realistic about their children … and know them so well.”

 

Now it was Ben’s turn to look slightly embarrassed. “Thank you,” he said as Little Joe came up flung his arms around his father’s legs and saved the man from making any further comment.

 

“We gonna go home now Pa?” asked the child.

 

“Soon,” said Ben, patting the curly hair fondly. “I’ll be sorry that you won’t be starting this one off at school after the summer,” he said to George.

 

George also smiled at the little boy. “Well, I don’t have a position yet,” he said. “So who knows? Maybe I’ll still be here when Joseph begins after all?” He smiled as Adam came up to stand beside his father. “Hello Adam,” he said.

 

Adam returned the smile and nodded at the teacher. “Pa?” he said. “The minister said he’d be happy to write a reference for me. I thought I might go over and find Roy Coffee and ask him as well if that’s OK?”

 

“That’s fine son,” said Ben, dangling Joe from his arms and swinging him slightly off his feet, much to the little boy’s delight. “I’ll bring the buggy over and pick you up in a few minutes.”

 

“Thanks,” said Adam. “George,” he said, tipping his hat to the man before walking off.

 

“Well, I suppose I’d better round my two boys up and get going,” said Ben, swinging Joe up into his arms. He looked over his shoulder. “Hoss! Time to go son!” Hoss waved to his father and headed over to the buggy. Ben held his hand out to the teacher. “Thank you again,” he said. “And good luck with the applications.”

 

“What’s a appicashion?” asked Joe curiously as his father carried him towards the buggy.

 

“It’s a piece of paper,” said Ben, lifting the child up into the buggy and then stepping aside for Hoss to clamber up after him. He climbed up onto the seat himself before hitching up the reins.

 

“Where’s Adam?” asked Hoss. “Ain’t he coming home with us Pa?”

 

“He’s talking to Sheriff Coffee,” explained his father. “We’re going over there now to pick him up.”

 

Joe’s eyes lit up. “Can I be a prisoner again?” he asked excitedly. “And put the handcuffs on?”

 

“Maybe on another day,” said Ben as he turned the horses towards town. “Sheriff Coffee has things to do and we have to get on home.”

 

“Pa?” asked Hoss. “Adam was asking the minister about writing him a letter for College. How come he wants to go so much?”

 

“What’s College?” piped up Little Joe.

 

Ben gave Hoss a warning look. “We’ll talk about it later,” he said, indicating Joe with his thumb.

 

“Talk about what?” persisted Joe. “What’s College Pa?”

 

Ben took a deep breath. “Well,” he said. “Adam is thinking of going to school … that’s what a College is.”

 

“Like me?” said Joe excitedly. “I’m gonna go to school after the summer. You said so Pa!”

 

“Not like you,” said Hoss. “College is different to the school here in Virginia City.”

 

“Yeah?” said Joe. “What’s diff’rent about it?”

 

“It’s a long way away,” explained Ben.

 

“Oh,” said Joe, looking puzzled. “Then how is Adam gonna get to the College every day?”

 

“He won’t go every day,” explained Ben, trying to be gentle in his explanation and not upset the child. “He’ll need to stay near the College and not at home.” He waited while Joe digested this information. “He’ll come home when he’s finished learning all he needs to,” he explained, when the child said nothing. He glanced at the little boy. “Do you understand?” he asked.

 

“Yep,” said Joe happily. “How many days will he be learning them things at College for then Pa?”

 

Ben sighed, for it was obvious that the little boy had no concept of the amount of time he was talking about. “A lot of days son,” he said. “Lots and lots.”

 

“I still don’t know why he has ta go,” said Hoss sadly. “I’m gonna miss him when he does.”

 

“Me too,” said Joe, finally picking up on Hoss’ mood and realising that this was something sad. “Why does he have ta go Pa?”

 

“Because he wants to,” said Ben as they approached the Main Street of the town. “And we need to let him do what he wants to, don’t we?”

 

“I suppose so,” sighed Hoss.

 

Joe’s eyes lit up as he momentarily forgot about Adam. “There’s Sheriff Coffee!” he shouted and stood up excitedly. “Hey Sheriff Coffee!”

 

“Sit down!” ordered his father. “And stop yelling in my ear please.” He pulled the buggy to a halt right beside the jail where Adam and Roy Coffee were busy in conversation together. “Roy,” he said, tipping his hat to the man.

 

“Ben,” replied Roy. “You should be right proud of this boy of yours … off to College and all,” he said. “Right proud.”

 

“I am indeed,” said Ben.

 

“Can I be a prisoner and use the handcuffs, Sheriff Coffee?” asked Joe, nearly bouncing out of the buggy in his excitement at the thought of it.

 

“Not today son,” said Roy, ruffling the child’s curly hair and then slapping Hoss on the shoulder affectionately. “Just come in and pick up that reference whenever you’ve a mind to Adam,” he said, shaking the young man’s hand. “I’ll be happy to write it for ya.”

 

“Thanks,” said Adam, before climbing up into the buggy alongside his father. “I appreciate it.”

 

“Hey Adam?” asked Joe as his father hitched up the reins again. “How come you’re going to that College place?”

 

Adam raised an eyebrow in his father’s direction and Ben shrugged. “He heard Hoss and I talking about it,” he explained. “I suppose it’s time he found out.”

 

Adam nodded. “I’m going to learn lots of things,” he said. “Like you’re going to do when you go to school soon.”

 

“But Pa says that you’re gonna go for lots of days,” persisted Joe, beginning to sound worried. “How come?”

 

“Because that’s how long it will take to learn all the things I want to learn,” explained Adam.

 

“Can’t you learn them things without going to College?” piped up Hoss.

 

“No,” said Adam. “Unfortunately I can’t. Look fellars, I know it’s going to be hard, but it’s just something that I really want to do. I’m going to miss all of you, but I just need to go and do this.” He turned to face his brothers in the back seat of the buggy. “Can you both try to understand?”

 

Hoss shrugged. “I’ll try,” he said sadly. “But I still don’t understand why you wanna learn stuff at no darned old College. I can hardly wait to leave school.” He looked at his father hopefully.

 

“I told you that you’ll be in school until you’re fifteen,” said his father, not taking the hint. “Besides, don’t you want to be there when Joe starts after the summer? You know that I’m counting on you to look after him for me.”

 

“I reckon,” sighed Hoss.

 

“I can look after myself!” declared Joe indignantly. “I don’t need no-one looking after me neither!”

 

“Are you excited about going Adam?” asked Hoss as they all ignored Little Joe.

 

Adam smiled. “Yes,” he said. “I suppose I am.” He glanced at his father. “If I can get that application in the mail in a couple of days I’ll probably hear by the end of the month,” he said.

 

“A appicashion is a piece of paper,” Joe informed him, knowingly.

 

Adam shot his little brother a puzzled glance, but didn’t comment. “The examination is in two months,” he continued, addressing his father. “So I’ll have plenty of time.”

 

“What’s a esamashion?” asked Joe.

 

“It’s a test,” explained Hoss.

 

“Oh,” said Joe, thoughtfully. “Why do you have to do a test Adam?”

 

Adam shrugged his shoulders. “Just a formality,” he answered, and then added. “Just something I have to do before they accept me.”

 

Ben raised an eyebrow at the remark, but said nothing.

 

“You’ll do good in that test Adam,” said Hoss. “You’re real smart,” he added proudly.

 

“Thanks,” said Adam in an off-hand manner. “I’m quite confident about it all.”

 

“Obviously,” muttered Ben under his breath as he shook his head slightly.

 

“What was that Pa?” asked Adam.

 

“Nothing son,” replied his father. He turned to face the boys in the back of the buggy. “How about we all go fishing this afternoon?” he asked.

 

“Yeah!” shouted Hoss and Joe in unison.

 

“How about you Adam?” asked Ben. “Want to join us?”

 

Adam shrugged. “I’d better study,” he said. “With only a few weeks to go there’s still quite a bit I want to revise.”

 

“Suit yourself,” replied his father. “Only don’t tire yourself out too much son. You’re due to start breaking those horses early tomorrow morning.”

 

“I know,” said Adam.

 

“I’m gonna break horses when I get bigger,” Joe informed them all.

 

“I’m sure you will,” said his father. “Now keep still and stop bouncing about please.” He hitched up the horses and the horses quickened their gait towards the ranch house.

 

“Keep still and stop that bouncing about please,” said Ben. Honestly, there were times when he was so sick of saying those words to his youngest son, for Joe seemed to always be in perpetual motion.

 

 

 

Joe dutifully stopped wriggling on the third-top rung of the corral fence where his father was holding him, but the instruction to stop bouncing seemed to mean nothing to him in view of his excitement at watching Adam.

 

“Go Adam!” he yelled in imitation of Hoss and all the ranch hands who were yelling similar phrases. “He’s great, ain’t he Pa?” he added, turning to face his father with a grin, clutching onto the top railing as he did so.

 

Ben nodded in reply, although he wasn’t sure whether the little boy was referring to his brother or the horse he was riding.

 

“Go Adam!” shouted Hoss, waving his arms at his brother as he watched the young man bouncing around on the bucking horse. “Stick with him!”

 

Ben watched quietly, saying nothing aloud but muttering a prayer silently instead. No matter how often he watched his son breaking horses he always had a lump in his throat and found himself holding his breath until the horse either slowed down or … and this was the more common occurrence … Adam fell off. It wasn’t that he doubted his son’s ability on such animals, for Adam had proven himself over and over to be one of the best at breaking horses in these parts … but a father couldn’t help but worry nevertheless.

 

Many times he’d thought that it would be easier to be on the frantic animal himself than to stand back and watch his son performing such a task, and he considered with a sudden pang that the number of times he’d be able to watch Adam doing this activity that he so enjoyed would be soon coming to an end for quite a while.

 

Ben wondered how the East would change his son. After all, a man couldn’t live in a place for three years and not be affected by his environment, so all he could hope for was that he had instilled enough of his own values in the youngster that would see him through any challenges that might befall him during his time away. He suddenly let go of Joe momentarily with one hand and waved at Adam, shouting out encouragement as he did so and feeling like he wasn’t so much encouraging him about the horse ride, but about the life that was unfolding ahead of him.

 

Adam nodded in reply to his father’s wave, but was unable to do much else to acknowledge the myriad of shouts of encouragement that washed over him as he struggled to stay on the horse. The sky came into view yet again as the bucking animal beneath him reared up and, much and all as he enjoyed the sensation of power from the animal and the feeling of freedom that came with the ride, he wished suddenly that the horse would give in and calm down. He hated to see an animal distressed in this way and …..

 

Suddenly the world tipped sideways and he felt himself sliding out of the saddle. He clutched desperately at the saddle-horn, knowing even as he did so that it was a futile attempt as he was already halfway to the ground. Bracing himself to hit the earth as he’d done so many times before, he suddenly heard a loud crack and felt pain on the back of his head as the world turned black and he disappeared into unconsciousness.

 

“Adam!” Ben reacted in the split second it took for him to realise that his son had hit the corral fence as he slid towards the dirt. He grabbed Joe under the arms, hauled him down from the fence and pushed him towards Hoss who was standing next to him. “Watch your brother!” he shouted. “Don’t either of you get through that fence until I say!”

 

Hoss held onto the wriggling Joe and watched open-mouthed as his father climbed the fence in a single vault and ran towards Adam who was lying in a heap of wood in what was left of the fence on the other side of the corral.

 

“I got him!” shouted one of the ranch-hands as he grabbed on the reins of the horse and pulled him away from the unconscious young man on the ground.

 

Ben barely acknowledged him, all his attention focussed on Adam’s prone body, limbs all tangled in between the broken pieces of wood. He knelt in the dirt beside his son and cradled Adam’s head between his large hands, searching the young man’s face for any flicker of life. “Adam!” he cried again. “Adam! Can you hear me son?”

 

“He’s out to it,” said a voice beside him and Ben glanced up to see Charlie, the Ponderosa foreman kneeling beside him. His look mirrored that of Ben’s, but in spite of his obvious anxiety he patted his employer on the shoulder in a comforting way. “He’ll come round in a minute or two,” he said. “He just took a nasty crack on the back of the head is all.”

 

Ben nodded, knowing in his brain that the man was right, but feeling in his heart that he wouldn’t believe his son was fine until those eyes beneath his opened again. He felt along the young man’s arms and then his legs with one hand, while he continued to hold his head up with the other. “Nothing seems to be broken,” he said in a voice that sounded far away to his own ears.

 

Suddenly Adam stirred and muttered something, his arms and legs flailing around briefly before his eyes fluttered open and he stared up at his father.

 

“Welcome back,” said Ben, smiling down at his son and trying to assume a bland expression on his face so as not to upset Adam.

 

Adam blinked a couple of times before replying. “How long have I been out?” he whispered.

 

“Just a couple of minutes,” replied his father, stroking his son’s forehead and pushing his curls out of his eyes. “How do you feel?”

 

Adam moved his arms and legs again. “Sore,” he acknowledged. “OK though.” He struggled to get up, but Ben held him down firmly.

 

“No,” he said. “Give it a minute or two just in case.”

 

Adam nodded and lay still, for in fact his head was throbbing and it hurt just to move. Behind them Ben heard shouting and he looked over his shoulder to see Hoss desperately trying to hold onto Little Joe and shouting something to the now-crying little boy. He glanced across the corral and satisfied himself that the ranch-hand had the horse well tied-up before yelling to his son. “It’s all right Hoss!” he cried. “You can both come over now!”

 

Hoss gratefully let go of his upset little brother who immediately slipped between the bottom two rungs of the fence and ran towards his father and brother. Ben caught him in one hand and drew him to his side, his other hand still supporting Adam’s head. “It’s all right Little Joe,” he said. “Adam is fine.”

 

Joe hiccupped on a couple of sobs as he looked down at his brother and Adam forced himself to smile up at the child. “Stop carrying on,” he said, trying to sound as normal as possible. “I’m fine.”

 

Joe’s face immediately split into a wide grin and he straightened up, confident in the way of a small child that the danger had now passed and everything would now be all right. “That was great Adam!” he said. “You fell real good!”

 

Adam smiled wryly, trying to convince himself that there was something good about such a thing. He motioned with his hand to Hoss who had by now come to stand beside their father. “Help me up,” he said.

 

Hoss leant down and pulled on his brother’s arm. “Careful,” said Ben, also getting to his feet. “Take it slowly, son.”

 

“I’m fine,” said Adam, dusting himself off. “Just a bit of a headache is all.” He looked across at the black horse. “I don’t think he’s going to give up in a hurry though.”

 

“No,” said his father. “But he can wait now until another day. You’re not getting back on him after a fall like that.”

 

Adam gave his father a frustrated look. “Pa, I’m fine!” he said.

 

“You listen to yer Pa, son,” interrupted Charlie. “He knows what he’s talking about. That black will be there fer ya tomorrow.”

 

Adam shrugged. “OK,” he said, not wanting to admit that he was secretly relieved at the thought of not having to get back on the horse straight away.

 

“You go and sit down for a bit,” instructed his father. “Go on.”

 

Hoss and Joe followed Adam across the corral, through the gate and towards the front porch, Hoss giving his brother worried looks all the while and Joe chattering incessantly. Neither Adam nor Hoss had a clue what their little brother was talking about as they both ignored him, but the constant noise made the pounding of Adam’s head seem worse even so. “Can you stop for a bit?” he asked Joe peevishly as he sat down on the edge of the porch.

 

“Stop what?” asked Joe, puzzled.

 

“Talking,” said Adam.

 

“You OK Adam?” asked Hoss anxiously, peering at his brother.

 

“I’m fine,” Adam assured him as he rubbed the back of his neck. “Just got a headache.”

 

“You sure came down with a bang,” said Hoss, sitting down beside him. “I thought …” his eyes misted over as he hung his head suddenly and looked at the dirt. There was silence for a moment until Adam broke it.

 

“You thought it was like ….” He glanced quickly at Little Joe, standing before him. “I think Pa needs your help Joe,” he said.

 

“OK,” replied Joe happily and scampered off towards his father.

 

“You thought it was like Marie,” finished Adam, when the little boy was out of earshot.

 

“Yeah,” admitted Hoss, digging his toe into the dirt. The memory of the day that his beloved stepmother … Joe’s mother …. had fallen from her horse only yards away from where they were sitting now had forever been etched into his brain and he frequently had dreams about it. Her death was always on his mind and he sought constantly to overcome his grief for her, himself and his family. “Seeing you fall like that …” he shrugged. “I dunno,” he finished lamely.

 

“It wasn’t the same thing,” Adam assured his brother gently. “Nowhere near the same thing. Marie fell …. Well, she fell in a different way.” He reached out and put his arm around his brother’s shoulder. “Falling off horses is just part of breaking them,” he continued. “You prepare your body to fall the right way when you realise that it’s about to happen.” He made a rueful face. “Or most of the time you try to anyway,” he added. “You’ll find out when you start to break them.”

 

Hoss shrugged his shoulders. “Tell the truth Adam, I ain’t keen on trying,” he admitted. “I don’t like the look of it.” His chin went up. “It ain’t that I’m scared or nothing,” he added, defensively. “It’s just that I don’t care to try it too much.”

 

Adam smiled and rubbed his neck ruefully. “Can’t say as I blame you right about now,” he said.

 

“Why don’t you go and get a hot towel from the kitchen and put it on the back of your neck?” asked Ben, coming to stand beside them. “It will do that headache good son.” He gave Adam an anxious look. “Maybe you’d better go into town to see Doc Martin?”

 

Adam sighed. “Pa, I’m fine,” he said, standing up. “Although the hot towel is a good idea. I’ll get one from Hop Sing.” He walked towards the house, watched by both Ben and Hoss.

 

“I’m gonna break horses when I get bigger!” Joe announced happily.

 

Ben sighed as he looked down at his youngest son. “Yes, son,” he said. “No doubt you will. That is …. if your old Pa can stand it.”

 

 

 

“How’s the headache?” asked Ben, stopping at Adam’s door.

 

“Gone,” replied Adam, looking up from his book. “It didn’t last long. I’ll get back to that black tomorrow Pa.”

 

“Just wait and see,” said his father. He walked into the room and stood looking at the young man for a moment or two. “Adam, I’ve been thinking. Maybe you shouldn’t break any more horses for the next few weeks?”

 

Adam gave his father a puzzled look. “Why not?” he asked.

 

“Well, you don’t want to risk another fall like that,” explained Ben. “Not one that could risk your chance of sitting for the examination.”

 

Adam opened his mouth to protest and then frowned instead. “I hadn’t thought of it that way,” he mused. “But really Pa, I can’t do nothing around here for the next few weeks just because of the examination.”

 

“I’m not saying to do nothing,” replied Ben. “Just not to break any horses. You don’t want to go looking for trouble. Imagine if you’d broken a leg today?”

 

“I see what you mean,” agreed Adam. “I suppose so.”

 

“The hands can manage the rest of that string of horses,” said Ben, smiling at the young man. “I think it’s the right thing to do son.”

 

Adam shrugged. “I guess,” he said.

 

Ben patted him on the shoulder. “Now you get some sleep,” he said. “There are plenty of other chores waiting for you tomorrow.”

 

“Oh goody!” said Adam, grinning at his father sarcastically. “Night.”

 

“Goodnight son,” said Ben. “And don’t read too late.”

 

Adam snuggled down with his book, turning onto his side and sighing contentedly as he let his mind be once again engrossed in the beloved literature.

 

“Hey Adam?”

 

Adam looked up to see Little Joe standing beside his bed, his curly hair all matted and his nightgown all askew and hitched up on one shoulder. “What are you doing in here?” he asked, a tad crossly. “Pa will have your hide if he sees you out of bed when you’re supposed to be asleep.”

 

“I ain’t sleepy,” said Joe, leaning on the bed and grinning at his brother. “Can I come in your bed?”

 

“No, you can’t,” said Adam, cross at the disturbance and not keen on being kicked all night, as Joe was known to do in such circumstances. “Go back to your own bed and go to sleep.” A jolt of pain suddenly shot through his head as Joe bounced against the bed and made it jiggle. “Don’t!” he snapped.

 

“Don’t what?” asked Joe, puzzled.

 

“Bounce against the bed like that!” snapped Adam again. “Get off it!” He held onto his head, closing his eyes and willing the sharp pain away. It subsided as quickly as it had come and he opened his eyes several seconds later to see Joe giving him a strange look. “Go to bed,” he said, in a milder tone.

 

“You look funny,” observed Joe, tilting his head sideways and staring at his brother.

 

“I said to go to bed,” repeated Adam. “Go on!” He waited until his little brother had left the room before sitting up tentatively, anxious to see if the pain returned and letting out a sigh of relief when it didn’t. He lay down again and picked up his book again, secure in the knowledge that he felt decidedly better.

 

Much and all as he considered that he would have enjoyed the rest, Adam found it increasingly hard to stand back and watch others break the rest of the string of horses instead of doing it himself. Since he’d turned eleven his father had relied on him to do a man’s job around the ranch and as soon as he could safely be trusted on a horse he’d been kept busy herding cattle and horses in between a myriad of other chores. Breaking horses had come later when he’d been fully grown, but it was something that he particularly enjoyed and prided himself of doing well, so it wasn’t something that he found easy to give up.

 

He consoled himself with the fact that as soon as the examination was over he’d get back to it and muttered as much to himself one morning a few days later as he was forking out one of the stalls.

 

“What?” asked Hoss, who was working alongside his brother.

 

“Nothing,” muttered Adam. “I’m just talking to myself.”

 

“Thought you was saying some of that poetry stuff again,” Hoss teased. “Mushy stuff if you ask me.”

 

“What?” said Adam, leaning on his pitchfork. Suddenly his brother’s voice seemed a long way in the distance and he blinked his eyes several times as he realised that Hoss’ bulky figure had gone all blurry in front of his eyes.

 

“I said that poetry stuff is mushy,” repeated Hoss. “I  dunno why you ….” He stopped and gave his brother a strange look. “Are you OK Adam?” he asked. “You’ve gone all white.”

 

Adam took a step backwards and sat down on a bale of hay. “I’m fine,” he said. “Just need a rest is all.” He forced himself to grin at his brother. “No excuse for you to stop working,” he added. He waited until Hoss had shrugged before blinking his eyes several times to bring the youngster back into focus in front of his eyes.

 

“Well, I dunno why you like all that stuff,” continued Hoss as he raked the hay. “If I had my way I’d never read any books.”

 

“Rubbish!” said Adam, blinking again and trying to convince himself that the world had stopped spinning in front of his eyes. “You enjoyed those ….” He stopped. “Those ….” For the life of him he couldn’t remember what he’d been about to say.

 

“Those short stories books you gave me?” Hoss finished for him. “Well yeah, but it ain’t like I’d like to read em every day. I reckon ….” He looked up. “Where are ya going Adam?”

 

“I’ll be back in a minute,” said Adam, heading unsteadily towards the door of the barn, which suddenly seemed as if it was rushing forwards to meet him. “Keep going with your work,” he added, holding onto the support of the doorframe. Hoss shrugged and turned to continue working, oblivious to his brother’s distress.

 

Adam walked slowly outside, concentrating on watching his feet to make sure that he didn’t fall over. As it was, it felt like the ground was about to rise up and meet him because of the dizzy feeling that was washing over him and he sensed that his vision was beginning to blur again. He stopped as one of his boots hit against the edge of the water trough and he bent down and held onto it as he lowered himself down to sit on the edge of it.

 

As he sat there willing the world to stop spinning around him, his thoughts whirled around his head and he forced himself to remain calm as his mind screamed out in his anxiousness. Much to his relief, after a moment or two his vision cleared and everything seemed as it had moments before. He rubbed his head thoughtfully, trying to come to terms with what was happening to him, but refusing to face the obvious. Somewhere in the back of his brain it registered that he wasn’t well, but he pushed that thought away in his anxiety to remain in control of his life.

 

“Having a bit of a sit down son?”

 

Adam looked up to see Charlie standing in front of him, grinning from ear to ear.

 

“Yeah,” he said, sitting up straight again in an attempt not to let the man see that anything was wrong.

 

“Well don’t let ya Pa see ya or he’ll find something else fer you to do,” said Charlie. Adam shrugged but said nothing, not willing to risk speaking.

 

Charlie stared at him. “Are you OK?” he asked. “You’re looking a bit pale.”

 

Adam looked up at the man. “Well actually ….” he began.

 

“Hey Charlie!” called someone in the corral. “Can you come over here and help?”

 

“Just you hold yer horses!” shouted back Charlie, chuckling at his own joke. “Get it?” he said to Adam. “I told him ta hold his horses!” He stroked his chin thoughtfully. “We’re missing ya help with that lot Adam,” he said. “But I reckon yer Pa’s right keeping you away from em fer now. It wouldn’t do ta mess up ya chances of that College stuff. Not when you’ve got yer heart set on it so bad.” He bent down and patted Adam on the back affectionately. “Now don’t you do nothing stupid to mess up yer chances,” he said. “Yer Pa is right proud of you and he’s got good cause to be. It ain’t every day that a young fellar has such a chance to get to a college and all.”

 

Adam hesitated, his mind spinning. “You’re right,” he said finally. “I’d be stupid to do anything to mess up my chances. Not after all the work I’ve put into this.”

 

“That’s right,” agreed Charlie. “Now you jest take it easy and concentrate on all that reading you have to do. The boys and I will take care of all the horses fer ya Pa.” He walked away whistling, leaving Adam sitting on the edge of the water trough deep in thought.

 

As he massaged the back of his head, Adam thought of all the possibilities in front of him. To tell his father about the two bouts of pain he’d had …. well, he knew where that would lead …. and if it meant that his chances of sitting for that examination were threatened …. He set his jaw and clenched his fist, shaking his head slightly. After all, it wasn’t as if this was happening all the time. He’d only had that slight pain the night Joe had come into his room and now this. He willed himself to believe that everything was all right, knowing that if he had any further problems then he’d go and see Doc Martin in town himself.

 

“I’m fine,” he said, standing up and almost believing it as he looked around. The world was back in perspective again and the pain he’d just experienced seemed to be a thing of the past. With a new resolve, he walked back into the barn to continue his chores.

 

 

 

“Joseph stop bouncing and sit down,” said his father sternly. “And you mind your brother, you hear?”

 

“Yes Pa,” said Little Joe, sitting down on the buckboard seat and grinning at his father.

 

“Here’s the list of things that Hop Sing wants at the Mercantile,” said Ben, handing a piece of paper up to Adam who was seated beside Joe. “And don’t forget those sacks of grain that Bert put aside for us at the Feed and Grain either.”

 

“I won’t,” replied Adam, tucking the paper into his vest pocket. “Joe, sit still!” He hitched up the reins and turned the two horses away from the house. “Bye!” he said over his shoulder to his father. “We should be back by lunch time.”

 

“Bye Pa!” shouted Joe, waving happily to his father.

 

“And don’t forget to pick up the mail!” Ben shouted to them as the buckboard disappeared around the side of the barn.

 

Adam waved over his shoulder in reply and then turned to Joe again. “Will you sit still?” he said.

 

Joe reached out for the reins. “Can I drive em Adam?” he asked. “Can I? Huh?”

 

“No,” said Adam. “You can hold onto the reins for a bit when we get to the flats, but only when I say and only when I’m holding onto them too.”

 

Joe grinned up at his brother. “This is great, ain’t it Adam?” he asked. “Hey Adam?” he said, not waiting for a reply.

 

Adam’s thoughts were on a piece of prose that he’d read last night about Plato and he answered his brother absently, not really listening to the little boy’s chatter. “Yes?” he said.

 

“Can we visit Sheriff Coffee when we’re in town? I wanna put them handcuffs on again and be a prisoner in his jail.”

 

“Maybe.”

 

“Hey Adam?”

 

“Yes?”

 

“Can we get some candy?”

 

Adam raised an eyebrow. “I didn’t hear Pa say that we could,” he teased.

 

Joe’ face instantly fell. “Well he didn’t zactly say ….” he agreed. His face lit up again. “But we could anyway!” When Adam said nothing, Joe looked at him intently. “Have you got ….” He stopped. “You’ve gone all funny looking,” he said. “How come?”

 

“No reason,” said Adam. He brought the horses to a halt and breathed deeply a couple of times as the pain at the back of his head came back with a rush.

 

“How come we’re stopping?” asked Joe.

 

Adam breathed deeply again and shook his head slightly as the pain subsided. “No reason,” he said, smiling down at Joe as he hitched the reins up again. “Just giving the horses a spell.”

 

“You’ve got your own money, ain’t ya?” said Joe cagily. “We could buy candy with your money if ya did.” He frowned. “Hey Adam? How come we’re going off the trail into them rocks?”

 

Adam drew the horses to a halt again. “What?” he asked, absently.

 

“I said … how come we’re going off the trail into them rocks?” repeated Joe. “Didn’t ya hear me before?” He looked at his brother who was leaning forward on the seat and holding his face in his hands. “Are we giving the horses another spell?” he asked. When Adam said nothing, he shrugged and turned to the back of the buckboard seat where a large spider was inching its way across the wood. “Hey look!” he shouted. “A real big spider Adam! I reckon I could catch him!” He reached out his hand to pick up the animal, but the buckboard suddenly lurched forward and it was jolted out of his reach. “Hey!” he said, turning to he brother indignantly. “What’d you do that for?”

 

Adam continued to look at the ground, breathing deeply and saying nothing. Joe went back to searching for the lost spider when suddenly he felt his brother’s hand gripping his arm tightly “Hey!” he said. “Let me go! I wanna find that spider!”

 

“Joe, listen to me,” said Adam in a low voice. “I need you to do something.”

 

Joe’s eyes instantly lit up. “Yeah?” he said curiously, for it wasn’t often that people needed him to do anything for them. “What?”

 

“Shift over here and sit in front of me,” said Adam, indicating the seat. Joe scrunched over and sat where he was bid. “Now take the reins,” instructed Adam. “And hold onto them tight.”

 

Joe looked up at his big brother. “How come you’re letting me drive em now?” he asked. “We ain’t reached the flats yet.”

 

“Just do as I say!” snapped Adam. “Hold on tight and pull on one side to turn them like you’ve seen Pa and I do. Go on … you can do it.” He held onto the reins behind his little brother, praying with all his might that the boy would be able to manage and letting out a sigh of relief when the horses were gradually turned in the right direction. “Good boy,” he whispered. “Now hitch em up and head for home.”

 

“Why?” asked Joe. “Ain’t we going to town now?”

 

“No,” said Adam, slumping down in the seat and holding onto his head. “Do as I say!”

 

Joe shrugged and hitched the reins up as he’d seen his father and brother do so many times before and longed to do himself. He sat up proudly on the seat as he talked to his unresponsive brother behind him. “I’m doing it Adam!” he said. “See? I’m driving em all by myself!”

 

Adam’s grip on the reins gradually loosened and he felt himself losing consciousness as the pain increased. It was beyond him to reply to his younger brother, but as he fought to stay awake he sensed that Joe had them on the trail and headed in the right direction. After what seemed like an awfully long time to him, they finally reached the barn and the front view of the ranch house came into view around the side of it.

 

“Hey Pa!” shouted out Joe happily as he drove the horses towards the house. “We’re back! I drove the team all by myself cause Adam said I could!”

 

Ben glanced up at the sound, noted in an instant the slumped body of his eldest son behind that of his youngest and ran quickly towards the buckboard. He grabbed hold of the reins and brought the horses to a halt, the movement causing Adam to slump forward onto Joe.

 

“Hey!” shouted Joe indignantly. “Get off me Adam! You’re squashing my bref outta me!”

Ben jumped up onto the seat and drew Adam’s body back onto his own, effectively releasing Joe. “Get inside and get Hop Sing!” he said to Joe. “Hurry!”

 

Joe’s eyes widened as he looked at his brother, finally registering that something was wrong with him. He tried to scramble down from the buckboard seat, fell halfway down and then picked himself up from the dirt again. He ran full pelt towards the house, shouting at the top of his voice. “Hop Sing! Hop Sing! Come quick!”

 

Ben leant close to Adam’s face. “Adam?” he said. “Adam? Son … can you hear me?”

 

Adam nodded his head slightly. “Hurts ….” he said in a whisper. “My … head ….”

 

“Just lie still son,” said Ben soothingly. “It’ll be all right. Just keep still.” He turned to Hoss who was walking out of the barn to see what all the yelling from Joe was about. “Hoss!” he shouted. “I need you to ride into town and get Doc Martin out here real quick! Can you do that son?”

 

Hoss gave Adam and his father a horrified look, turned on his heel without a word and ran into the barn to get his horse.

 

Ben stroked Adam’s forehead with one hand while supporting his head with the other. “Shh,” he said as if to a small child. “Just lie still son. Pa’s here.” It struck him suddenly that he hadn’t spoken in such a way to his son for many years and the memories came flooding back from times long gone where it had just been the two of them united against the world. “Shh,” he said again, lowering his face towards Adam’s and laying his cheek against the young man’s dark hair.

 

“Mr Cartwright?”

 

Ben looked up to see Hop Sing standing by the buckboard, his face a mixture of concern and surprise. “Hop Sing,” he said. “I need your help.”

 

Hop Sing nodded, instantly knowing what to do. He waited while Ben eased Adam’s limp body towards him, and then supported the young man while Ben climbed down from the buckboard and took him back into his own strong arms. “Joseph, open the front door,” instructed Ben to the little boy who was hopping on one foot in his anxiety at what he was seeing. Ben carried Adam towards the house, through the doorway and made towards the guest room where Hop Sing, who’d hurried into the house before him, was already turning down the covers and making the bed ready.

 

“Little boy come with me,” Hop Sing said and held out his hand to the distressed child who stood watching his father tend to his brother. “We get things to help big brother.”

 

Joe glanced at Ben who tried to smile at him. “Go with Hop Sing,” he said and Joe instantly put his hand into that of the cook’s, for he trusted him almost as much as he trusted his Pa and brothers.

 

Ben gently eased off Adam’s boots and covered him with the blankets from the bed, tucking them around him lovingly. “Light,” said Adam, putting one of his hands over his face.

 

Ben instantly understood and stood up to close the curtains. “Better?” he asked as he sat down and was relived to see Adam respond to his voice for the first time as the young man nodded briefly. They sat thus for a few minutes, Ben gazing down anxiously at his son while Adam lay still on the bed with his arm over his face.

 

Finally his arm moved away and he opened his eyes to gaze up at his father. “A … bit better,” he said.

 

Ben nodded. “Good,” he said. “What happened son?”

 

Adam breathed deeply a couple of times, but didn’t reply, so Ben simply patted him on the arm. “Don’t talk then,” he said. “Just rest easy until Doc Martin gets here.” As he spoke the words he heard the faint sound of Hoss’ horse in the front yard as his middle son urged the animal away from the barn. “He’ll be here soon,” he added.

 

The door opened and Hop Sing came into the room, carrying a bowl of hot water. Joe followed him, carrying a couple of towels. “Put hot towels on Mr Adam’s head,” said Hop Sing, handing Ben a warm cloth. “Will ease pain.”

 

Ben nodded and did as the man bid him too. He trusted Hop Sing’s instincts in such matters implicitly and was instantly rewarded by a slight smile from Adam.

 

“Feels … good,” he said in a soft voice.

 

Ben smiled at Hop Sing who nodded to him. “Plenty more warm water in bowl,” he said. “I make hot tea now for headache.” He held out his hand to Joe, but the boy walked to his father instead.

 

“Is Adam gonna die, Pa?” he asked anxiously.

 

Ben tried to smile at the child, not wanting to lie to him but wanting to ease the worry that he saw in his green eyes. “He’s feeling a bit better,” he said. “You go with Hop Sing and help him while I sit with Adam. OK?”

 

Joe nodded, his eyes wide as he stared down at the white face of his eldest brother. “OK,” he said in a small voice. He turned and took Hop Sing’s hand and the two of them left the room.

 

Ben turned back to face the ashen face of Adam that stared up at him from the bed. Lord help him, he prayed silently as he dipped another cloth in the warm water. Let him be all right Lord, that’s all I ask. Just let him be all right!

 

 

 

“The sedative should keep him asleep for quite a few hours,” said Doctor Paul Martin, straightening up. “You can open those curtains again now Ben.”

 

“Why is the light affecting him so much?” asked Ben, trying not to wring his hands as he spoke. “Is it his eyes?”

 

Paul motioned for him to be quiet. “Outside,” he said, glancing towards the door. He led Ben out of the room, shutting the door behind them.

 

“Pa?” said Hoss, from the sofa where he and Little Joe were sitting side by side. “Is Adam OK?” His eyes betrayed the deep sense of despair that was washing over him at the thought of something happening to his brother and Ben sensed immediately that his son was remembering another day last year when he’d sat in just about the same place. That was the day his father had had to break the terrible news to him that his beloved stepmother was no longer with them …. a day that constantly haunted all their minds still.

 

“Come here,” he said gently pulling the boy towards him as he sat down next to him on the sofa. “You too, Little Joe.” He put Joe on his lap and placed his arm around Hoss’ shoulder as he continued. “Your brother is resting a lot easier now. Doc Martin has given him something to make him sleep.”

 

“But is he gonna be OK?” persisted Hoss.

 

Ben took a deep breath. “I sure hope so son,” he said, glancing over at Paul who by now was seated in the blue chair near the fireplace.

 

“It would help if we knew what led to this,” the doctor said quietly, indicating towards Joe with his thumb.

 

Ben nodded and put his finger under Joe’s chin to raise the child’s head up so that he was looking into his father’s eyes. “Little Joe?” he said. “Tell me exactly what happened after you left with Adam this morning, son.”

 

Joe thought for a moment before replying. “Well …” he began. “We was going to town in the buckboard and I was talking bout getting some candy.” He turned to look at Hoss. “I was gonna buy you some too Hoss,” he said.

 

Ben turned the little boy’s face back towards his own. “Then what?” he prompted.

 

“Adam did a funny thing,” mused Joe, thoughtfully, putting his head on one side as he considered what had happened.

 

“What did he do?”

 

“He made the team go off the trail and near some rocks,” explained Little Joe. “Then he stopped the horses and said he was giving em a spell.” He scratched his head as he considered what had come next. “Only it was funny Pa, cause the horses hadn’t been walking long enough fer em to have a spell.” He shrugged, not being able to work that one out.

 

“Then what happened?” prompted Ben again.

 

“Then I found a spider,” said Little Joe, his eyes wide at the memory of it. He turned to Hoss again. “It was a real big spider Hoss. It was black and ….”

 

“Forget the spider,” said his father, turning his head back again and trying not to get frustrated with the boy. “What did Adam do next?”

 

“He put his head like this.” Joe demonstrated holding his head in his hands. “And then he told me to sit in front of him and turn the team around.” He puffed up at the memory of it. “I did too!” he declared proudly. “All by myself!”

 

Ben stroked the little boy’s curls. “Yes, I know,” he said. “I’m very proud of you, Joseph.”

 

“And I drove em all the way home again,” continued Joe. He gave his father a wary look, suddenly remembering that he’d been forbidden by the man to ever try and drive the team by himself. “Adam told me too,” he added, a touch defensively. “And you said to mind Adam,” he reminded the man.

 

Ben nodded. “Yes,” he agreed. “You did well, son. Did Adam say anything on the way back home?”

 

Joe considered the question. “Nup,” he said, finally. “He just sat there and watched me drive the team.” His face took on a worried look. “I think that spider mighta fallen off but.”

 

Ben ignored the last comment and looked across at Paul, who shook his head slightly. “Hoss,” Ben said. “I want you to take Joe outside while I talk to Doc Martin now.” He patted Hoss’ arm. “It’s all right son,” he said. “I’ll come out and talk to you about Adam in a little bit.” He put Joe back down on his feet in front of him and smiled at them both. “Pa is very proud of both of you,” he said. “You did well to get the Doctor here so quickly Hoss.”

 

“And I did well to drive the team,” Joe reminded his father.

 

“Yes,” agreed Ben. “Now … outside for a few minutes.”

 

“Come on Joe,” said Hoss, standing up and taking his brother’s hand. When Joe looked as if he was about to object, he added. “Let’s go look for that spider, huh?”

 

“OK,” said Joe happily, his mood instantly changing as he took his brother’s outstretched hand. “It was a real big spider Hoss. It was black and it had twelve legs.”

 

“Ain’t no spider ever had twelve legs,” said Hoss, leading his brother across the room.

 

“This one did!” declared Joe. “I know cause I counted em.”

 

“Then you counted wrong,” Hoss said. “Spiders only ….” His words faded away as he shut the front door behind them.

 

At the sound of the door closing, Ben instantly turned towards Paul. “Well?” he said. “What is it? What’s wrong with my son, Paul?”

 

“I’m not sure,” replied Paul, honestly.

 

Ben sprang to his feet and began to pace up and down in front of the fireplace. “What do you mean you’re not sure?” he snapped. “You’re a doctor, aren’t you? You’re supposed to know what’s wrong with him!”

 

“Ben, sit down,” said Paul, trying to sound as calm as possible. “You’re not helping yourself or Adam by getting so worked up about this.”

 

Ben nodded briefly and sat down again to face the doctor. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I didn’t mean that. It’s just …”

 

“I know,” replied Paul. “Ben, I honestly don’t know what to say to you.” He shook his head. “An attack like this ….” He gave Ben a penetrating look. “You said that he hit his head a few days ago after a fall from a horse? Have there been any other attacks like this since then?”

 

“I don’t know,” said Ben. “Knowing Adam as I do, I wouldn’t rule it out though.” He put his head in his hands. “You’ve never met a more stubborn person than my eldest son, Paul.”

 

Paul rolled his eyes, aware that Ben wasn’t looking at him. “Actually I have,” he muttered to himself. He put his hand on Ben’s shoulder. “Now let’s not borrow trouble and panic about this,” he said. “It could be nothing more than a bad migraine headache.”

 

Ben shook his head. “You didn’t see him when they rode into the front yard,” he said. “He looked …” He shuddered slightly. “I thought he was gone,” he half whispered to himself. “Just like Marie.”

 

“This is nothing like Marie!” snapped Paul. “Now you just get that thought right out of your head Ben!”

 

Ben looked up, startled by the tone in the doctor’s voice. “Then can you honestly tell me that he’s going to be all right?” he challenged.

 

Paul sighed. “All I’m saying is that we need to examine all the possibilities before we jump to any conclusions,” he said. “As I said, it could be nothing more than a bad headache … or it could be pressure on the optic nerve caused by the fall.”

 

Ben nodded. “And if it is?” he asked.

 

Paul shrugged. “It all depends on how much pressure there is,” he said. “Only time will tell.”

 

“Meaning?”

 

“That we just have to wait and see,” replied Paul. “Keep the room darkened if that’s what he wants and keep him as still as possible with no activity. If it’s the nerve that’s being pressured then it might just right itself, given time.”

 

“I see.” Ben gazed into the fire as he thought about what Paul had said. “If it is pressure on the optic nerve … then what is pressuring it?” he asked.

 

Paul bit his lip before replying. “Well … it could be a swelling of the brain …” He held up his hand as Ben’s eyes snapped wide open instantly and locked with his. “Now calm down,” he said. “It might not be anything to do with the brain at all.”

 

“But if it is?” persisted Ben. “What then? What if his brain has been injured, Paul?”

 

Paul bit his lip again. “Then there’s nothing that can be done,” he said. Now it was his turn to stand up and start pacing up and down in front of the fireplace. “The brain is a very complex organ Ben,” he said. He put his foot on the large stone fireplace surround and leant his elbow on it as he stared into the fire. “Sometimes I think that we’re going backwards when it come to my profession,” he mused, half to himself.

 

“What?” asked Ben.

 

Paul turned to face him. “Well, I read once that they used to do brain surgery in ancient Egypt,” he said. “Amazing! And here we are thousands of years later without a real clue about how the brain even works.” He sighed again. “No,” he admitted. “We doctors like to present the impression that we know a lot, but when it comes to the brain and how it works there is very little that we do know.”

 

“So you’re saying that …”

 

“I’m not saying anything definitive yet,” interrupted Paul. “All I’m saying is that we just have to give Adam time to heal. When he’s up to it I’ll come back and ask him some questions and maybe he’ll have something to tell us that will help me work out what this is.” He walked over and put his hand on Ben’s shoulder again. “In the meantime, my friend, you’re going to have to take it easy if you’re going to be of any use to Adam.”

 

Ben nodded. “I know you’re right,” he said. “Hop Sing will help me keep an eye on him until you get back. Besides ….” He glanced towards the front door. “There are the boys to consider in all of this. After what they went through last year I have to be strong for them.”

 

Paul nodded. “That’s right,” he said. “You’ll all be strong for each other, I’m sure of that.” He picked up his black bag. “Now I’ve got to get back to town. I’ll be back tomorrow morning first thing Ben. You take care.”

 

Ben nodded and tried to smile at the man. “Thank you Paul,” he said. He stared into the fire, hardly hearing the door as it closed behind the doctor. In the middle of the flames he visualised Adam’s face and the thought made his heart constrict. With a sigh he stood up and then walked to the front door, wondering as he did so how he was going to explain things to his two younger boys without causing them too much anxiety.

 

 

 

 

“I’m sorry Pa,” said Adam, turning his head slightly on the pillow to give his father an apologetic look. “I should have told you about those other two times.”

 

“Yes, you should,” said Ben. “But that can’t be helped now. What’s important is getting you well again. Paul?”

 

Paul Martin sat back in his chair. “From what Adam has told me, it sounds like it could well be the optic nerve,” he said. “Then again ….”

 

“Then again means you’re still not sure,” said Ben.

 

Paul nodded in agreement. “It’s at times like this that I realise just how hard a country doctor’s life can be,” he said, ruefully. “No colleagues to confer with.” He sat forward in his chair and looked up at Ben. “What I can do though is send a wire to Matthew Briggs in Reno and get a second opinion about this before I make any final judgement. I’ll outline Adam’s symptoms and see if Doctor Briggs comes to the same conclusion as I am beginning to.”

 

“Which is?” asked Adam.

 

“Which is that you’re not to worry too much about things,” replied Paul in a brighter tone. “What you need right now is rest, quiet and plenty of it young man.”

 

“Well it’s a bit hard not to worry,” said Adam. “How do I help it?”

 

“I suppose so,” admitted Paul. “Well, I will say this.” He looked up at Ben. “It’s either the optic nerve or …” Ben nodded slightly. “Or …maybe some pressure on the … brain,” he said, looking at Adam to gauge his reaction to his words.

 

Adam’s eyes widened slightly. “Brain?” he said. “Optic nerve? What’s all this mean then?”

 

“It means that any undue movement could make your symptoms return,” said Paul, trying to evade the questions. “So that’s why I’m telling you that you need rest.”

 

Adam’s eyes narrowed. “But ….” he began.

 

Ben shook his head. “No buts, Adam,” he said. “You heard Paul. The most important thing right now is doing what he says and if that includes trying not to worry, then that’s what you need to try and do.” He put his hand on Adam’s shoulder. “I know it’s hard son, but you’ve just got to trust Paul. He knows what he’s talking about.”

 

“All right, I’ll try,” said Adam in a grumpy tone. “But can I at least get back up to my own room? At least I can get some reading done up there.”

 

Ben looked at Paul who shook his head. “No,” he said. “We can’t take the risk on moving you just yet Adam,” the man replied. “Besides, there’ll be no reading right now. When I said that you need rest, that includes taking a break from reading.”

 

Adam gave the doctor a shocked look. “But I can’t!” he said.

 

“You can and you will,” said Ben firmly. “That’s all there is to it.”

 

Adam glared at his father. “But … the examination …”

 

“No Adam,” said Ben. “Now that’s an end to it.”

 

Adam crossed his arms over his chest and glared up at both of the men as they looked down at him. “Son, there’s no need getting all riled up over this,” said Paul. “A bit of a break from reading won’t do you any harm. If it is your optic nerve then you could do a great deal of harm by using your eyes too much.”

 

Adam sighed. “All right,” he said grudgingly. “I understand.”

 

“Good. Now get some rest.” Paul motioned to Ben and both men left the room. “Ben,” he continued, when they were in the living room, “I meant that. Reading would be one of the worst things he could do right about now. He needs to rest his eyes in case it is the optic nerve and if it is the brain … well, it’s even more important.”

 

“The brain,” said Ben, his despair appearing on his face again. “That’s what we keep coming back to, isn’t it? Did it sound like his symptoms could indicate that something is wrong with his brain, Paul?”

 

“Like I said yesterday … only time will tell,” admitted the doctor. “But if it is the brain … well … it could mean a blood clot and that …” he gave his friend a pitiful look. “Ben, I won’t lie to you … that could be fatal.”

 

Ben nodded. “I’ve been expecting as much,” he said in a whisper. “I knew that’s what you were thinking yesterday, but you just didn’t know how to say it.” He stared at the guest bedroom door for a long few seconds. “I don’t want him told how serious this could be,” he said. “If it is …” He choked slightly on his words. “If it is … something like that … then I want …” Words failed him and he sat down heavily on the sofa and put his face in his hands. “Lord help him,” he said. “And help me to bear it. First Marie … now …”

 

“Ben, don’t think like that,” said Paul quickly. “It might not be as serious as all that and you’ll find out you were worrying for nothing.” He looked down at the man. “I’m sorry to leave you like this, but if I’m going to get that wire to Reno …”

 

Ben looked up immediately. “Yes,” he agreed. “You go. I’ll be fine.” He gestured with his hand and then turned to stare into the fire as the door closed behind him, his thoughts racing through his head at a mile a minute.

 

He can’t die! What would I do without him? He can’t die!

 

“Pa?”

 

Ben’s head jerked up and he frowned to see Hoss standing on the stairs. “You’re up early,” he said, trying to sound brighter than he felt.

 

“I heard a buggy in the front yard,” said Hoss, coming down the stairs. “Who was it?”

 

“Doc Martin,” replied his father. “He came out just on sun-up to see how Adam is doing.”

 

Hoss came and sat next to his father. “How is he doing?” he asked fearfully.

 

“We’re not sure yet,” admitted his father, putting his arm around the boy. “We all need to pray that he’ll be fine though. Remember what I’ve always told you about God answering our prayers?”

 

“Yeah,” said Hoss. “But you also said that sometimes the answer is no.” He looked up at his father, tears in his eyes. “Pa …. I couldn’t bear it if Adam died! I don’t know what I’d do without my big brother!” He leant towards his father’s chest and sobbed into it.

 

Ben clutched his son tightly towards him, his thoughts a mixture of concern for his middle son and his anxiety for his eldest. “I know son,” he said soothingly. “I know. I don’t what I’d do without him either.”

 

Father and son sat for a few minutes, both feeling the comfort that came from their closeness. After a while Ben drew back from Hoss, put his finger under the boy’s chin and lifted the tear-streaked face towards his own. “Now, we both have to be brave,” he said. “For Adam’s sake … and for Little Joe. He doesn’t realise how serious this is .. and I don’t want him to. I need you to look after him for me while I’m busy with Adam. Can you do that for me Hoss?”

 

“Of course,” said Hoss, wiping his tears away. “You know I’ll always look after Joe Pa. Just like Adam …. Just like Adam always used ta look after me.” He caught his breath on a sob again and turned away to wipe the remainder of his tears away.

 

“I know,” said his father. “I can always rely on my boys … that’s one thing I’m sure of.” He gave Hoss another hug. “Now, you go and see if Hop Sing is up and help him with getting breakfast ready before Joe makes it downstairs. He’s been busy all night helping me watch Adam and he’ll need some help.”

 

“OK Pa,” said Hoss.

 

Ben waited until the boy had left the room before allowing himself the luxury of a few tears of his own, then with his jaw set in a firm line he stood up and faced the guest room door yet again.

 

 

 

 

“ …. and so he went right over the bucket,” finished Joe. “Ain’t that great?”

 

“Yeah,” said Adam, staring at the ceiling and thinking how ironic it was that even his little brother’s chatter could interest him in the absence of anything else to do. But after two days of lying here looking at the ceiling, he supposed that anything would sound interesting …. even Joe’s inane non-stop chatter.

 

There was a soft tap at the door and Hoss looked around the edge of the doorway.  “Pa said to check on you and see if Joe was talking too much,” he said, coming into the room.

 

“I don’t talk too much!” declared Joe, from his position on the chair that his father had placed well away from Adam’s bed in case the little boy kicked it.

 

Adam grinned at Hoss knowingly and Hoss returned the look. “It’s fine,” said Adam.

 

“Well, it’s my turn now to sit with ya anyways,” said Hoss. “Get going Joe.”

 

“But I ain’t finished my story!” protested Joe. “I ain’t had enough time with Adam yet!”

 

“You did,” countered Hoss. “You had a whole hour and Pa says it’s my turn now.”

 

Joe pouted as he slid off the chair and faced his brother. “Well, I’m gonna come back and tell you some more funny stories later,” he said to Adam. He leant on the edge of the bed and whispered into his ear. “Bout my frog,” he said. He put his hand over his mouth and straightened up again quickly as the bed jiggled slightly. “I didn’t meant to move it!” he declared defensively.

 

“That’s OK buddy,” said Adam, wearily. “It’s fine.”

 

“Pa told you not to touch that bed!” said Hoss. “Now move away from it!”

 

Joe looked so contrite as he moved away from the bed that Adam felt the need to help him cheer up. “Never mind buddy,” he said. “I’ll look forward to you coming back in a while. I’m so bored that I’m even enjoying your stories.”

 

Sarcasm meant nothing within Joe’s small world, so he took the comment at face value and grinned at his brother. “OK,” he said. “I’ll cheer you up again later then, Adam.”

 

“Hey Adam?” said Hoss, sitting down on the chair. “I’ve been thinking bout something that might cheer you up too. Pa said you ain’t allowed to read all your books, but maybe I could read some of em to you instead?”

 

Adam’s face lit up. “You’d do that for me?” he said. “I thought you didn’t like reading?

 

Hoss shrugged. “I don’t,” he said. “I never said I’d enjoy it, but I’ll do it for you if Pa says I can.”

 

“I’ll read to you too Adam!” declared Joe.

 

Hoss turned to him. “Reading was my idea,” he said firmly. “Sides … you can’t even read yet.”

 

Joe put on one of his most stubborn looks. “”Well, you could teach me and then I could read to Adam too!” he declared.

 

“You get your own idea,” said Hoss. “Reading is mine.”

 

Joe looked thoughtful for a moment and then his face brightened. “OK,” he said after a moment. “I got a good idea to cheer you up Adam! I’ll come back soon!” He scampered from the room quickly without a backwards glance.

 

“I appreciate the thought about the reading,” said Adam as soon as Joe had left. “But I really don’t think Pa will allow it.”

 

Hoss shrugged again. “Well, I’ll ask him,” he said. “You never know.”

 

“How is Pa?” asked Adam. “Every time he comes in here he looks real tired. I know he’s worrying about me.”

 

“Yeah,” admitted Hoss. “We all are. But Pa is cranky with Joe too, so that don’t help.”

 

“Why? What’s he done now?”

 

“Well it’s all on account of that frog of his,” explained Hoss.

 

“What frog?” asked Adam. “He kept telling about some frog, but I had no idea what he was talking about.”

 

“Well … he kinda got upset the other day when we found that spider squashed on the wheel of the buckboard,” explained Hoss. “So I went down to the creek and got him a frog for a pet instead.” He scratched his head thoughtfully. “Pa says it weren’t a good idea in hind … hindsight. What’s hindsight mean, Adam?”

 

“It means thinking back on it,” said his brother. “What happened?”

 

“Well he’s taken to carrying it with him all the time in his pocket,” went on Hoss. “Pa yelled at him last night cause it was under the blankets in his bed.”

 

“I thought I heard yelling from upstairs,” smiled Adam. “So that’s what it was.”

 

“And at breakfast this morning it hopped into the eggs and got Hop Sing all cranky,” said Hoss, also grinning. “Pa says that Joe will be the death of him one day.”

 

Adam’s smile broadened. “He’s probably right,” he said.

 

Hoss leant closer to the bed. “You OK Adam?” he asked tentatively. “You feeling a bit better now?”

 

Adam smiled at his brother. “Sure am,” he said. “I think Doc Martin and Pa are fussing too much to be honest. My head’s been fine these past two days.” He sighed. “The only problem is that I’m about ready to die from boredom …. which is why your idea is a great one Hoss. If Pa allows it.”

 

“If Pa allows what?”

 

Both of them turned their heads to see their father standing in the doorway. “Hi Pa,” said Hoss. “I had an idea to read to Adam. Would that be OK?”

 

Ben hesitated. “I don’t see why not,” he said, finally. “Sure.”

 

Adam’s face split into a huge grin. “Really?” he said. “That’d be great Pa!” He turned to Hoss. “Go upstairs and get the three books from my dresser and we can start straight away Hoss.”

 

Hoss stood up. “OK,” he said. “But just remember that I can’t read words that are real hard. You might have to help me with some of em.”

 

“I’m happy that you’re just going to read to me,” replied Adam. “I don’t care how many times you stumble over the words, brother. You can sound them out to me and I’ll tell you what they are.” He put his hand out and clutched hold of Hoss’. “Thanks,” he added.

 

Hoss grinned at him and left the room without saying another word. “He really is a great kid,” said Adam.

 

“Yes, he is,” agreed Ben, coming to stand by the end of the bed. “How’s the head?”

 

“Fine,” said Adam. “I don’t see why I can’t sit up now.”

 

“Not until Paul says,” said Ben. “We’re not taking any chances.” He turned sharply as a movement in the doorway startled him. “Joseph,” he said. “I thought you went outside?”

 

Joe immediately put his hands behind his back and stared up at his father with wide-eyed innocence. “I did,” he said. “But I came back in again.”

 

“What have you got behind your back, young man?” asked his father suspiciously, noting the child’s innocent look which was always a forerunner to trouble in his opinion.

 

“Just something to show Adam,” said Joe, edging away from his father and towards his brother’s bed. “To cheer him up with. You said before that we had ta help cheer him up Pa.”

 

Suddenly there was a loud croaking sound that split the silence and Ben immediately frowned. “Have you got that darned frog in this house again? Didn’t I tell you it was not to come inside here again?”

 

Joe took another step backwards. “I only done brought him in to see Adam!” he declared. “To cheer him up!”

 

“Get that animal out of here this instant!” demanded Ben, pointing to the door. “Go!”

 

Joe scowled at his father and then held the large green frog up for Adam to see. “His name’s Hoppy,” he said.

 

“Not surprising,” replied Adam, quite amused. “Considering that you name every frog that you see Hoppy.”

 

“Joseph!” said Ben, pointing to the door again. “Outside!”

 

Joe scampered from the room quickly, leaving Adam chuckling. “Well you must admit that he achieved the result he wanted,” he said. “He did cheer me up.”

 

“That boy will be the death of me,” muttered his father and then caught his son’s expression and began to chuckle along with Adam.

 

 

 

“Just open a bit wider,” said Paul as he shifted to get a better view with his magnifiying glass as he gazed into Adam’s eyes, “That’s it.” He straightened up again and smiled at the young man. “Well, that’s good,” he said. “No visible change that I can see. You say you’ve had no more headaches?”

 

Adam shook his head. “No,” he said. “None at all. Can I get up to my own room now?”

 

Paul nodded. “I don’t see why not,” he said. “As long as we take it nice and slowly so as not to move that head around too much.” He turned to look at Ben. “I got the wire from Matthew Briggs this morning and he agrees with my conclusions,” he said. “We both think that the jolt to his head caused a slight rupture into the cavity behind the eye.”

 

“And that caused the pressure on his optic nerve?” said Ben.

 

“Maybe,” replied Paul, putting his magnifying glass into his bag and shutting it. “Of course, that’s just a theory and we can’t be sure.” He sighed. “I wish there was some way of looking inside a person’s head to be sure of such things. Maybe one day there will be.”

 

“Well whatever caused it, I’m OK now and that’s the main thing,” said Adam. “Thanks Doc. Now I can get back to …”

 

Paul put up his hand. “Now you just hold on a minute there,” he said. “As I said … that’s just a theory which hasn’t been proven as yet.”

 

“Well, how can you prove it?” asked Adam.

 

“We can’t,” replied Paul. “We just have to assume that as you’ve had no more symptoms that things are righting themselves.”

 

Adam nodded. “I see. Well, at least I’m better now and that’s all that counts,” he said.

 

Paul sat down on the edge of the bed and gave the young man an intense look. “Adam, I don’t want you to get the wrong idea about all of this,” he said. “You seem to be on the mend, that’s true, but you’re by no means out of the woods yet. You’re going to have to continue to take things easy for quite a while to come. If it is what I suspect, then your head needs time to heal and that’s not going to happen overnight.”

 

“No, of course not,” said Adam. “I understand that. But at least now I can read a bit and sit up in bed, can’t I?”

 

“Yes,” said Paul. “You can certainly sit up in bed and a bit of light reading won’t hurt you … although I hear that Hoss has been helping in that department.”

 

Ben nodded. “Both of the boys have been trying to keep his spirits up,” he said. “We all have.”

 

Adam made a wry face. “If I have to eat one more special meal that Hop Sing has prepared for me I think I’ll choke,” he admitted. “I’ve never been so full in my life!”

 

“It’ll do you good,” chuckled Paul. “There’s nothing like rest and a belly full of wholesome food to hasten recovery. All thing going well son, you should be out of that bed in a few weeks.”

 

Adam frowned. “A few weeks?” he said. “But I thought it’d be a few days.”

 

Paul shook his head firmly. “No,” he said. “A few weeks.” He looked up at Ben who nodded in agreement. “You can walk him slowly up to his room later today,” the doctor instructed. “But only about an hour or so of reading every day until I say differently.”

 

Ben nodded. “Whatever you say Paul,” he said.

 

Adam sighed. “All right,” he agreed. “It looks as though Hoss will need to continue reading to me as well for a bit longer though. An hour or so each day just won’t be enough for me to get through all I need to cover between now and the examination.”

 

Paul stared a Ben for a moment and Ben shrugged. “Well at least it’ll be good for Hoss’ reading,” Paul said after a moment. “George Breckenridge will be pleased to hear that he’s practising during his vacation.” He stood up. “By the way, he was asking after you this morning. He said to tell you that he’d like to come out and visit if it would be all right.”

 

Adam’s eyes it up. “That’d be fine,” he said, enthusiastically. “I’ve thought of a few questions to ask him about that examination while I’ve been lying here doing nothing.”

 

Paul gave Ben another look and Ben shook his head slightly. “Well, you be careful getting up to your room,” said Paul finally, patting Adam’s knee. “And rest. I’ll be back in a day or two to check on you again.”

 

“Thanks,” said Adam.

 

As Ben closed the door behind them, the doctor turned to him. “It hasn’t sunk in with him yet, has it?” he asked.

 

Ben bit his lip and shook his head. “No,” he said.

 

Paul pulled something out of his pocket. “I didn’t want to give him this without your permission,” he said, holding it out. “I thought I’d help you out and pick up the mail before coming out here and this was the only thing at the Mail Office.”

 

Ben looked at the letter. “It’s from Boston,” he said. “Harvard.” He looked up at the doctor. “I almost hate to give it to him,” he said.

 

“Ben, I know this examination is very important to him,” said Paul. “But you said it’s in … how long?”

 

“The end of the month,” said Ben. “Two weeks from Thursday.”

 

“And it’s in St Joe?”

 

“That’s the closest examination centre … yes,” replied Ben, looking decidedly worried at the thought of it.

 

Paul shook his head. “Ben …”

 

“I know,” Ben interrupted the doctor. “There’s no way he’s going to make it, is there?”

 

“A trip like that? No,” said Paul simply. “No way. You allow him to get into a stage in his condition Ben and you’ll most likely kill him. At least, there’s no guarantee that you won’t. My professional opinion is that he shouldn’t go under any condition.”

 

Ben sighed as he stared at the letter. “What if he continues to improve at the rate he has been?” he asked finally. “You said yourself that he’s doing very well.”

 

Paul shook his head. “No Ben,” he said.

 

“I’ve been afraid of this,” said Ben. “Well, I suppose I’d better be the one to tell him and I’d best get this over with.” He patted Paul on the shoulder. “Thanks for coming out again.”

 

“No problem,” said Paul. “And good luck.” He headed for the doorway. “Tell Hop Sing next time I come I’ll stay for one of his delicious dinners.”

 

Ben nodded and waved. As the door closed, he stared at the letter in his hand for a full minute before opening the door to the guest room bedroom again.

 

“Doc gone?” asked Adam, looking over at his father.

 

“Yes,” replied Ben, coming to sit next to the bed.

 

“Where are Hoss and Joe?” asked Adam. “It’s awfully quiet around here.”

 

“Hoss took Little Joe down to the creek,” said his father. “They’re letting that frog go.”

 

Adam chuckled. “And presumably little brother isn’t too happy about that?” he said.

 

“No,” said his father. “But I didn’t give him much of a choice. He’ll find another pet.”

 

“Can you help me up to my own room now?” asked Adam eagerly. “I’m dying to get up there and ….” He gave his father a strange look. “What’s the matter Pa? You’re looking ….” He frowned suddenly. “Is there something you’re not telling me? You promised that Doc Martin would be honest and tell me everything that ….”

 

Ben shook his head. “No, there’s nothing like that,” he said. “Paul was completely honest with you son. He seems to think that you’re on the road to recovery, providing that you do as you’re told and take it easy.”

 

“Then what?” persisted Adam. “I can tell there’s something from the look on your face.”

 

Ben held out the letter. “Paul picked this up from the Mail Office for you,” he said.

 

Adam’s eyes lit up as he grabbed the letter from his father’s hand and looked at the postmark. “It’s come,” he said, excitedly. “I thought it would be this week.” He ripped open the envelope and skimmed the contents of the letter quickly before giving a relieved sigh. “I’m accepted to do the examination in St Joe Missouri on the 28th,” he said, smiling at his father. “That’s a relief to finally get it.” He looked down at the letter again and re-read it before adding. “I was pretty confident of being accepted, but it’s nice to see it in writing even so.” He smiled again at his father. “Aren’t you going to congratulate me Pa?” he asked happily.

 

“Congratulations,” said Ben, his heart breaking with the knowledge that he what he was about to say would be the cause of so much pain for his son. “Adam ….”

 

“We’ll have to book that stage ticket now,” mused Adam. “Can you do it for me tomorrow Pa? The sooner the better, now that I’ve got the letter.”

 

“Adam ….”

 

“And clothes,” Adam continued, not even hearing his father. “I know it’ll only be for a few days, but I’ll have to look over what I’ve got.” He glanced at his father. “Do you think we’ll be able to afford a new shirt? My best one is …” He stopped, finally noting the expression on Ben’s face. “What’s the matter Pa?” he asked. “You’re not looking too happy about the news.”

 

“Adam …” Ben took a deep breath. “Son …” There was silence as he desperately sought for the right words to break the news to his boy. “Adam … Paul is of the opinion that you shouldn’t travel so soon.”

 

Adam smiled. “Rubbish,” he said. “I feel fine. Anyway, it’s two weeks away yet and I’ll be up and about by then. He just hinted at that himself.”

 

“Yes,” said Ben. “You’ll most likely be up and about by then, but there’s a whole of difference in walking around and going on a long stage trip son. Paul thinks that the jolting of the stage wouldn’t be in your best interests.”

 

Adam looked slightly miffed. “But going by stagecoach is the easiest way to get there,” he said. “What does he expect me to do? Ride all the way to Missouri on horseback?”

 

“No,” said his father.

 

There was silence. “Then what?” persisted Adam. “How else am I supposed to get there?” When Ben took a deep breath and said nothing, Adam shot his father an incredulous look. “You’re saying that he doesn’t think I should go?” said Adam. “Is he mad?”

 

“No,” said Ben, trying to remain calm for his son’s sake. “He’s a doctor and his opinion is that it would be dangerous for you to submit yourself to such a journey so soon.”

 

“Well I don’t care,” said Adam, stubbornly. “He doesn’t understand how important this is. I’m going and that’s all there is to it!”

 

“No son, you’re not,” said Ben in a low voice.

 

Adam stared at his father for a full minute before opening his mouth. “You agree with him!” he said, his voice rising. “I can’t believe it! You know how important this is to me!” Ben put a hand on Adam’s where it rested on the bed, but his son shrugged away from it. “I’m going Pa,” he said. “I don’t care what you say …. I’m going to St Joe for that examination and that’s all there is to it!”

 

“No son, you’re not,” repeated Ben.

 

Adam’s jaw dropped and he stared at his father again. “What?” he said.

 

“You’re not going,” said Ben firmly. “I’m not prepared to let you risk your life in any way Adam.” His heart constricted at the sight of his boy’s face. “Son … I know how much this means to you, but ….”

 

“No!” shouted Adam.

 

“Adam, calm down,” said his father. “Getting upset like this won’t help you.”

 

“No!” shouted Adam again. “I’m going Pa! You can’t stop me!”

 

“Adam!”

 

Adam glared at his father. “You have no idea what you’re doing to me,” he said. “I thought you of all people would understand.”

 

“I do understand son,” said Ben, trying to keep his voice on an even tone. “I know what it’s like to have a dream and …”

 

“Exactly,” spat out Adam. “And you got your dream. The Ponderosa! It’s always been your dream and you told me more times than I can count how you overcome so many obstacles to achieve it. Well … going to Harvard is my dream and I’m going to do anything to make it come true too!”

 

“And I admire you for that,” said Ben. “You worked so hard for this and …”

 

“Exactly,” interrupted Adam. “And all that work isn’t going to be for nothing. I’m not going to let you ruin my chance at this all because of some crazy doctor ….”

 

“Paul Martin is not crazy,” interrupted Ben. “And well you know it. I trust his opinion implicitly.”

 

“It’s all very well for you!” spat Adam angrily. “It’s not your dream that’s being ruined! It’s mine!” His eyes narrowed as he glared at his father. “You already ruined it once and I’m not going to let you do it again!”

 

Ben’s jaw dropped. “What?” he said.

 

Adam’s eyes blazed as he faced his father and Ben noticed the tears that stood in them, waiting to fall. “Last year,” he said. “I would already have been in college now if it hadn’t been for ….” He stopped, gathering control of his emotions as he realised the look of hurt on his father’s face. He swallowed and there was silence between them.

 

Finally, Ben nodded. “Yes,” he said. “Of course you’re right. If it hadn’t been for the way I acted after Marie died then you would have sat for the examination last year and perhaps already been in college by now.”

 

“Yes,” said Adam, shortly as he stared at the bedcover.

 

“Adam, I’m sorry that you missed your chance last year,” said Ben.

 

Adam shot a glance at his father. “Then how can you deny me it this year?” he asked.

 

“Because I love you too much to risk anything happening to you,” said his father. “Last year, this year, next year … what does it matter, when you weigh it all up against your health son? Just because you can’t sit for the examination now doesn’t mean that you need to give up on it forever. There’s always next year.”

 

“It matters to me,” said Adam.

 

Ben stood up. “This isn’t good for either of us,” he said. “I’ll continue this conversation with you when you’ve had time to process the news. In the meantime you need to just keep calm for the sake of your health.” He looked down at his son. “I’ll be back in a little while and we’ll get you up to your own room,” he said.

 

There was silence as Adam stared at the ceiling and refused to acknowledge his father. Ben picked up the letter that had fallen on the floor and placed it on the bed. “Try and calm down a little,” he said.

 

When Adam said nothing, Ben turned and walked from the room.

 

 

Ben placed the tray on the dresser and smiled at his son, propped up in the bed. “Here’s lunch,” he said.

 

Adam didn’t look up from the book. “I’m not hungry,” he said in a curt tone.

 

“You have to eat,” said his father, trying to sound bright in spite of the tension in the air between them. “Hop Sing will be upset if you don’t and you know what that means. He’ll probably threaten to back to Old China.” He smiled, but the expression faded as Adam didn’t react to his remark.

 

“Time to put that book away for now.” Ben tried again. “You’ve had long enough reading for now son.”

 

Adam shut the book with a bang, put it on the bed and crossed his arms over his chest before looking up at the ceiling.

 

Ben shook his head slightly and sat down on the chair next to the bed. “Well at least you’re back in your old room again,” he said, trying to hold onto his temper. “That must make you feel a bit better.”

 

“No,” said Adam, still looking at the ceiling.

 

There was silence.

 

“Son, this has to stop,” ventured Ben. “You’ve been refusing to talk to me for nearly two days now.”

 

“I’d talk to you if you’d see reason,” said Adam, stubbornly.

 

Ben took a deep breath. “That’s exactly what I am seeing,” he said calmly. “I’m doing what’s best for you.”

 

“I know what’s best for me!” snapped Adam. “And missing that examination isn’t what it is!”

 

“Well I happen to disagree,” said Ben, crossing his own arms across his chest in imitation of his son.

 

“Then there’s no need to talk about it, is there?” said Adam bitterly. “I don’t have a choice.”

 

“Adam, please don’t see it like that,” replied Ben. “There are always choices in life.”

 

Adam looked at the man for the first time. “No, there aren’t!” he snapped. “You’ve taken all mine away from me. I hope you’re happy!”

 

Ben leant forward. “I know you’re very upset about this,” he said. “In view of that and the fact that you’re not well I’ll excuse the way you’re speaking to me,” he said. “But I wouldn’t advise you to continue using such a tone.”

 

“Fine!” snapped Adam angrily. “Then I won’t speak.”

 

Ben sighed. “Eat your lunch,” he said. “I’ll come back and get the tray later.” He walked out of the room and down the stairs, shaking his head as he went. It seemed that there was nothing he could do or say at this point to break through the barrier that was between himself and his son and the hard part of it all was that this was something he’d never quite experienced before.

 

When Adam had been growing up he’d had his trying years of course. There had been times when he and his father hadn’t seen eye to eye on some things and Ben had found it necessary to take a disciplinary approach with the youngster.

 

But this was different.

 

Adam was a man grown in just about all things and felt himself ready to take a responsible adult role in life. In fact, he’d been doing just that for quite some time now, especially since Marie’s death. Ben looked on his eldest son as a respected partner in the business of running The Ponderosa, but Adam was still his son and he was legally responsible for his welfare. Ben just couldn’t make a decision that he felt would endanger his son’s life, no matter how much of a barrier it put up between them.

 

All he could was hope that in time Adam would come to understand his decision, but in the meantime it hurt him deeply to feel this rift between them.

 

As Ben wandered across the great room towards the open front door, he heard a small voice drifting in from the porch outside. “How come?” the voice asked and Ben stood in the doorway to listen to the conversation that was progressing between his two younger sons who were seated side by side on the edge of the porch. “How come Hoss?” asked Joe again.

 

“Don’t you remember Joe?” said Hoss patiently. “Pa told us that Adam’s angry because he got a big disappointment. He ain’t angry with us, just with the disappointment.”

 

“Well he sure sounds angry with us,” declared Joe. “He yelled at me when I did nuthin but stand in his doorway and tell him a funny story to cheer him up.”

 

Hoss sighed. “Yeah, I know,” he said. “He’s being right unsociable with me too little buddy, but he don’t mean it. Pa says we gotta give him time to get over the big disappointment.”

 

“What’s the big disappointment again?” asked Joe. “I forget.”

 

“It’s bout doing that examination,” replied Hoss. “Seems like he won’t be going to college anymore.”

 

“Well I don’t mind,” declared Joe. “I didn’t want him to go anyways.”

 

“Neither did I,” said Hoss. “But that ain’t the point Joe. Point is that Adam wanted to go and now he can’t. Think how you’d feel if you couldn’t do something you really wanted to do.”

 

Joe thought for a moment. “Like keeping my frog?” he asked. “I really wanted to keep him, but Pa said no.”

 

“Even more than that,” said Hoss. “Adam’s been wanting to go to college for an awfully long time Joe. He’s real upset, so we gotta just have patience with him … so Pa says.”

 

Joe thought again for a minute or two. “Hoss?” he said. “Adam’s real angry with Pa, ain’t he? He won’t talk to him much.”

 

“I know,” said Hoss.

 

“I ain’t never seen Adam and Pa not getting along before,” said Joe sadly.

 

“I have,” said Hoss. “When Adam came home from the saloon late one night Pa yelled at him and then there was the time when he went off with the Bonner boys on that fishing trip too. Pa was real upset with him those times. You don’t remember them cause you was only real little then Joe.”

 

Joe nodded. “Yeah,” he agreed. “But now that I’m all grown up I don’t still don’t remember them not getting along Hoss. Why won’t they?” He looked up at his big brother trustingly as if he could solve the problem.

 

Hoss sighed again. “I dunno Joe,” he said. “They’re both still mad at each other, I reckon.”

 

“I don’t like it,” said Joe in a small voice. “It makes me all sad inside.”

 

Ben walked away from the door, his feelings of guilt increased by the conversation. It was hard enough being a parent and telling your child no when you desperately wanted to say yes …. and now his two other boys were hurting because of it. He just didn’t see any solution to the whole situation and the thought made him even more depressed and helpless than he already felt.

 

He wandered over to his study and stood staring at the wall behind his desk, willing an idea to come into his head to take away his sons’ pain, but knowing at the same time that there was nothing that he would come up with. Adam was right after all …. His father was taking away his choices and Ben knew that he had no other option.

 

He lifted his head at the sound of a buggy in the front yard and twitched open the curtain behind his desk to see George Breckenridge pulling up at the front porch.

 

“Hello boys,” he heard the teacher say as he got down from the buggy. “How are you both? Your Pa at home?”

 

Ben strode to the front door. “George!” he said. “I’m glad that you came out.”

 

George walked over and shook Ben’s hand. “I thought I’d pay Adam a visit,” he said. “How is he? Paul Martin told me that he’s doing much better now and is just about out of danger.”

 

“He’s right cranky cause he had a big disappointment,” piped up Little Joe before his father could answer. “You better be careful mister or he might shout at you too!”

 

George smiled. “Thank you for warning me. I’ll make sure I am careful then,” he said with a twinkle in his eyes. “I hear tell that you’ve been doing some extra reading practice, Eric. Helping out your brother?”

 

Hoss dug his toe into the dirt. “Yes sir,” he mumbled as he looked down at it.

 

“I’m pleased to hear it,” smiled the teacher. “It will help to brighten Adam up and it won’t hurt your comprehension skills either.”

 

“Yes sir,” mumbled Hoss again.

 

“Come on in,” said Ben, motioning towards the house. “Adam will be pleased to see you.”

 

“Hoss?” they heard Little Joe say as they went into the house. “What’s com … comphenshun?”

 

“I don’t rightly know Joe,” Hoss acknowledged. “Only I reckon it’s got something to do with liking books and stuff.”

 

George chuckled at the remark as Ben closed the door behind them. “No wonder it’s not his best subject if he doesn’t even know what it means,” he said. He frowned as Ben didn’t smile at the joke. “I’m sorry Ben,” he said. “I meant no offence.”

 

Ben put up his hand. “None taken,” he said. “I’m the one who’s sorry. I’m just very distracted with all that’s happening around here at the moment George.”

 

“Well you’ve a right to be,” replied George. “From what Paul Martin told me, Adam’s been one very sick young man.”

 

“He has indeed,” said Ben. “And he’s not out of the woods yet. He’ll be pleased to see you though. Go on up to his room if you like … the first on the left at the top of the stairs. I’ll give you some time with him alone and I’ll get some coffee organised for you for when you’ve finished.”

 

George nodded. “Thank you,” he said.

 

Ben sat down on the sofa and watched the teacher climb the stairs, his heart still heavy with concern for all his boys.

 

“Hello there,” said George brightly as he knocked softly on Adam’s door. “Are you feeling up to a visitor?”

 

Adam opened his eyes and smiled … his first in a couple of days. “Of course,” he said. “It was nice of you to come. I was hoping that you would because there are some things I want to talk to you about.” He looked eagerly at the teacher as the man sat on the chair next to his bed.

 

“Well, first of all … how are you feeling?” asked George.

 

“I feel fine,” said Adam. “Pa and Doc Martin are just being worry warts.”

 

George raised an eyebrow at the response. “I’m sure they’ve only got your best interests at heart Adam,” he said.

 

Adam shrugged. “I know,” he said. “But they both agree that I shouldn’t travel to St Joe for the examination.” He looked at the man to gauge his reaction. “You of all people know how important this is to me,” he said. “Can you understand why I’m feeling so badly about it?”

 

“Yes, I can,” George admitted. “I know how hard you’ve worked. I didn’t realise that it was a problem for you to travel though. I saw Paul Martin in town the other day and he said that you were improving every day.”

 

“And I am,” said Adam firmly. “But not enough that they’ll agree that I can make the trip.” He sat forward in the bed and looked at the teacher intently. “I understand what they’re saying,” he said. “But it’s just that this is so important. It’s not as if I wouldn’t be careful or anything. I’m not stupid.”

 

George smiled at him. “No one could accuse you of being stupid Adam,” he agreed.

 

Adam nodded. “I knew that you’d see it my way,” he said. He looked at George eagerly. “I  … um … I have a favour to ask.”

 

“Of course,” replied George. “Anything I can do, you know that I will.”

 

Adam grinned and breathed a sigh of relief. “Thank you,” he said sincerely. “I knew I’d be able to count on you. You see … I need someone to buy me a ticket for St Joe. I have a bit of money in the bank and I’d be able to pay you back as soon as I’m back on my feet again. The rest of it I could maybe work off for you when I’m able to you … you know … chopping wood, doing any kind of chores around your place … that sort of thing.”

 

“Adam …”

 

“I know what you’re thinking,” continued Adam quickly. “About what the Doc and Pa think. But I’m the one who knows best how I’m feeling and I wouldn’t have to board that stage for another week yet. Who knows? I’ll probably be back in the saddle in a week and then it will be too late to arrange anything about a ticket.”

 

George shook his head. “I’d like to help you son … really I would,” he said. “But I can’t go against what your Pa and Paul Martin think.”

 

Adam frowned. “I thought you said you’d anything for me?” he said.

 

“Anything expept that,” replied the teacher. “I can’t.”

 

“Even though you know how important this is to me?” asked Adam. “Even though you know how hard I’ve worked?”

 

George nodded. “Yes,” he said. “Look Adam, I know how hard this must be for you. I remember feeling just like you do once. The burning in your soul to learn …”

 

“Exactly!” said Adam. “You do understand, I know that. You know better than anyone else around here just what Harvard can do for me. You know that I need to go there.”

 

“Yes,” admitted George. “I do. But surely it isn’t worth risking your life over?”

 

“That’s a bit dramatic,” said Adam with a snort. “I’m not risking my life.”

 

“If the doctor says no, then I’m sure he knows what he’s talking about,” said George. “You have to trust his professional opinion.”

 

“You sound like my Pa,” said Adam bitterly. “So …. You won’t help me then?”

 

“No,” said George. “Sorry as I am to say it … I can’t.”

 

Adam sat back in the bed and crossed his arms over his chest. “Well thanks for nothing,” he said grumpily. “I really thought I could count on you.”

 

“I’m sorry,” said George.

 

“Sure,” said Adam in a low voice, staring at the ceiling.

 

“There’s always next semester,” continued George. “They do take in a few students in the second semester each year.”

 

“No,” said Adam. “I’ve waited long enough and it’s now or never.”

 

George stood up. “Well, it seems to me that if you were really serious you’d be willing to defer until later,” he said. “Maybe you’re not as serious about all this as you let on?”

 

Adam gave him a shocked look. “I am serious!” he said.

 

George shrugged. “Well then, prove it,” he said. “Write back and ask for a postponement.” When Adam said nothing, he patted the young man on the shoulder. “You think about it,” he said. “I must go now.”

 

“Thanks for coming,” said Adam in a monotone voice. He didn’t even look at the teacher as the man left the room, but continued to stare at the ceiling.

 

George smiled at Ben as he reached the bottom step of the staircase. “That’s one disappointed young man you’ve got up there,” he said. “I can’t say as I blame him though.”

 

“I know,” said Ben, motioning for George to sit on the sofa.

 

“Um … he tried to get me to buy a ticket for him to St Joe,” said George. “I thought you should know.”

 

Ben raised an eyebrow at the remark. “It doesn’t surprise me,” he said. “He’s adamant that he’s still going, but I have to agree with Paul Martin. It’s just too dangerous at this stage. Lord knows I wish it wasn’t, for I’d give anything to see him happy.”

 

“I know,” mused George. “I suggested that he defer the examination until next semester, but he didn’t seem too keen on doing that either.”

 

Ben looked at the teacher. “Next semester?” he said. “They take students in then?”

 

“Oh yes,” said George. “But I have a feeling that your son won’t settle for that. He’s determined that he wants to go now.”

 

Ben sighed. “I know,” he said. “He’s very stubborn when he sets his mind to it. Well, he’ll just have to get it into his head that it can’t be and that’s all there is to it.”

 

“You know ….” began George and then stopped.

 

“Yes?” said Ben, when he didn’t continue.

 

The teacher sat silently for a moment staring into the fireplace and then looked at Ben. “I’ve had an idea,” he said. “It’s a long shot, but ….” He stroked his chin. “I wonder ….” he said softly.

 

“What?” asked Ben, sitting forward in his chair. “I don’t care how much of a long shot it is …. I’d do anything to help Adam.”

 

“Well,” said George. “I’m just wondering if I wrote to Harvard and offered to supervise Adam doing the examination here? With my background as teacher back East they can’t say I’m not a reputable person to do it.”

 

Ben’s face lit up. “Do you think they’d agree?” he said eagerly.

 

“I’m really not sure,” said George. “But if Paul Martin sent a letter along with mine and explained Adam’s medical condition … well they just might.” He shrugged. “It’s worth a try, don’t you think?”

 

“I do indeed,” said Ben, smiling at him. “I can’t thank you enough for thinking of this … and being willing to do it.” He stopped. “Only … where would he do the examination?” he asked.

 

“I don’t see why he couldn’t do it right here in this house,” said George. “As long as I agreed to supervise him it wouldn’t really matter where.” He thought for a moment. “I wouldn’t tell Adam about this yet if I were you though, Ben. They could easily say no and then his hopes would be dashed again.”

 

“But a letter,” said Ben. “Surely there isn’t time to get one to Boston and then wait for their reply?”

 

“No, you’re right, of course,” admitted George. “I hadn’t thought of that. The examination is in two weeks and there wouldn’t be time.”

 

“What about sending a wire?” asked Ben.

 

“Well, yes,” replied George. “Only it would cost so much … by the time I said what I needed to …. plus Paul’s recommendation ….”

 

“Send it,” interrupted Ben. “I’ll pay.”

 

“Have you got the money for something like that?” asked George.

 

Ben took a deep breath. “It’s for Adam,” he said. “I’ll find the money. I have some put aside for his College expenses, so I’ll just have to stretch it further, that’s all.”

 

George stood up. “I’ll get back into town now and talk to Paul Martin,” he said. “Then first thing in the morning I’ll send the wire off.”

 

“I’ll come into town and meet you at the Telegraph Office,” said Ben, also getting up and shaking the man’s hand. “And thank you again George.”

 

“No trouble at all,” said George. “I have a vested interest in this young man after all. I want to be able to say that a pupil of mine got into Harvard..” His eyes twinkled as he turned towards the front door. “I’ll say a prayer that this comes off Ben.”

 

“So will I,” said Ben. “Several, in fact.”

 

 

 

 

“Pa?” said Adam, looking up at his father. “Can I talk to you please?”

 

“Of course,” said Ben, putting down the tray again and sitting down. “What is it?”

 

Adam took a deep breath before replying. “I want to apologise to you,” he said. “I didn’t mean all those things I said to you about ….” He shrugged. “You know,” he said.

 

“Yes, I know son,” said Ben. “And I understand. You have had a big disappointment and it’s only natural that you would feel the way that you do.”

 

“But its no excuse for acting the way I did towards you,” said Adam. “It’s not your fault that all this has happened and I’m sorry,” he said.

 

Ben reached out and placed his hand over that of his son’s. “Let’s just forget about it and look to the future now,” he said. “You’re going to be fine and that’s the most important thing.”

 

Adam shrugged. “Yeah,” he admitted. “Still …. I’d rather not think about the future if it’s all the same with you.” He turned his head and looked across at the open window where a slight breeze was blowing the curtains. “I don’t feel like a have much of a future at the moment,” he added in a low voice.

 

“Well now that’s just plain ridiculous,” said his father. “I was talking to George Breckenridge before and he mentioned that Harvard take students in the second semester. What’s wrong with applying again at the beginning of next year?”

 

Adam shrugged. “Nothing, I suppose,” he said.

 

“Tell you what,” said Ben, trying to stir up a bit of enthusiasm in his son. “How about if you write a letter explaining the situation and asking if you can sit for the examination next time instead?”

 

“Yeah, I guess I could,” said Adam in the same monotone voice.

 

Ben bit his lip, wanting more than anything to tell his son about George’s idea, but knowing that he couldn’t stand the disappointment in the young man’s eyes if it all came to nothing. George had been right when he’d said that it was better not to get the Adam’s hopes up.

 

“I’ll go and get some paper for you and you can write it now,” said Ben, standing up. “I’m going into town in the morning so I can post it then for you son.” He hated lying to his boy …. knowing that he had no intention of posting the letter until they had confirmation from Boston one way or the other … but it just couldn’t be helped.

 

He reached down and patted Adam’s head in a way he hadn’t done in many years. “It’ll all work out fine son,” he said, hoping that his words proved to be true. “You just wait and see … everything will turn out just fine.”

 

“Joseph, don’t bounce against the sofa like that!” Ben reprimanded his youngest son. “Adam needs to keep still.”

 

“It’s OK Pa,” said Adam. “I’m just so pleased to be able to come downstairs and get out of that bed. I don’t mind.”

 

“Well, I do,” said Ben, picking up Joe and depositing him on the edge of the coffee table instead. “Now just sit there instead,” he instructed the little boy. “And don’t put your feet up on that coffee table young man.”

 

Joe continued relating his story with even taking a breath … seemingly oblivious to the fact that he’d even been interrupted. Ben sat back in his chair, put his pipe back into his mouth and listened to his youngest son with a smile. It was so good to see Adam smiling again, even if they both knew that it was a hollow smile that didn’t reach to his eyes. To Hoss and Joe, however, their brother was no different and it was only Ben who felt that the difference in his eldest son was tangible.

 

“Get that please Hoss,” he said, when there was loud knock at the front door.

 

“I wonder who’d be coming out here at this time?” asked Adam, taking a break from listening to Joe’s story and glancing over at the grandfather clock. “It’s nearly supper time,” he said.

 

Hoss opened the front door. “It’s Mr Breckenridge!” he shouted across the room to his father.

 

“Thank you Hoss,” said Ben, getting up. “There’s no need to shout.” He walked over to the door. “George,” he said, looking at the man hopefully. “Good to see you.”

 

George shook Ben’s hand and winked happily at him, causing Ben’s heart to immediately lift. “I have something important to tell Adam,” the teacher said. “I’m sorry about the hour, but I didn’t think that it should wait until the morning.”

 

“Well if it’s what I think it might be, then I agree with you,” said Ben, drawing him into the room. “Everything went well then?”

 

George nodded as Adam gave both men a puzzled look. “You two sound as if you’ve been involved in a conspiracy,” he said. “Excuse me for not getting up, but I’m not supposed to move around too much.”

 

George laughed as he sat himself down on the sofa next to Adam. “Well, in a way we have,” he said, smiling up at Ben. “I have some good news for you Adam.”

 

Adam sighed. “I sure could use some,” he said.

 

“Joseph, stop talking now and let the adults speak,” said Ben to the little boy who was still chattering on in spite of the conversation going on over the top of him.

 

Joe frowned. “But I ain’t finished my story yet,” he protested. “It’s a real funny one too,” he added.

 

“Well sit over there and tell it to Hoss,” said his father. “You can finish telling it to Adam later.” He picked the child up again and sat him closer to Hoss who was kneeling at the other side of the coffee table in front of the fireplace while he braided some pieces of leather together. “You were saying George?” he asked.

 

“Yes,” continued the teacher. “Well Adam … it looks as though you’ll be sitting for that entrance examination after all.”

 

Adam shook his head. “That’s impossible now and you know it,” he said. “It’s in one week and Doc Martin hasn’t changed his mind about my travelling. He’s only just allowed me to get out of bed.” He sighed as he added, “I just wish it were true.”

 

“But it is true!” said George excitedly. “Look!” He held out a piece of paper to the young man and grinned at him. “I wired Harvard and they’ve agreed to let you sit for the examination here under my supervision.”

 

Adam gave him a dazed look as he slowly took the piece of paper and skimmed it. “They say that they’re posting you the papers immediately,” he said. “But …. but … how?”

 

“It was George’s idea,” said Ben happily. “We sent a wire a few days ago offering his services as a supervisor. Paul Martin included a statement about your health and … well, there it is.”

 

Adam looked first at his father and then his teacher, a light appearing in his eyes as the realisation of what they were saying began to dawn on him. “But …” he said. “A wire … Pa, that must have cost you a fortune!”

 

Ben shrugged. “That’s not important,” he said. “The important thing is that you can sit for the examination now. That is, if you still want to,” he teased.

 

Adam laughed aloud. “If I still want to!” he said, sitting forward on the sofa. “Are you joking?” He turned to George, reached out and grasped the man’s hand. “How can I ever thank you?” he said. “I don’t know what to say!”

 

“Just do well in that examination,” said George. “That’ll be thanks enough. Adam, I’m just so pleased for you.”

 

Adam stared at the piece of paper in his hands as if he couldn’t believe the words that were written on it. “But even if they post the papers out straight away,” he said. “They’ll never get here by next week. The examination date is Tuesday.”

 

“I already thought of that,” said George. “I made them assurances that you won’t be coming into contact with anyone else in relation to the examination between now and then, so they’re allowing you to take it when it does arrive. By my calculations, that should be in about three weeks.”

 

“I just can’t believe it!” said Adam, nodding. “Thank you! Thank you so much! Both of you,” he said, including his father in his look. “When I think of how badly I’ve been behaving I …..”

 

“I told you before that we’ve had enough about that,” said his father firmly. He put his arm around his son’s shoulder. “I’m so proud of you Adam,” he said. “Now all you have to do is pass that examination to realise your dream after all.”

 

“Oh, there’s no worry about that,” said Adam. “All I needed was the chance to show them what I’ve got …. and you’ve both given me that chance again.”

 

“Be careful son,” said Ben. “Pride comes before a fall, you know.”

 

“I’m just being honest Pa,” said Adam, a touch defensively. “I know all the work, so I know that I’m going to do well.”

 

“Ben, he’s right,” said George. “He has an excellent chance at this.” He looked at Adam admiringly. “He’s amazing for a young man with very little formal education. You really have a lot to be proud of.”

 

“I know,” said Ben. He stood up and looked around. “Well, I think this calls for a celebration,” he said. “You must stay for supper George. I’ll go and tell Hop Sing to set an extra place.”

 

“I won’t say no,” said George. “Thank you. I’ve heard wonderful things about Hop Sing’s cooking.”

 

“Good,” said Ben, slapping the man on the back. “And then I’ll break out the brandy. We have some toasting to do.”

 

“What are we celebrating Pa?” asked Hoss.

 

“We’re celebrating your brother going to college,” said his father, proudly.

 

Hoss looked puzzled. “But I thought he weren’t going no more?” he asked.

 

“Ah, but I am,” said Adam happily. “Indeed I am Hoss.” He looked at everyone around the room happily. “And I can hardly wait!” he added.

 

 

 

“Like this Pa?” asked Joe as he threw his line towards the water. Unfortunately it landed well short of the shore and simply dragged along the ground instead. “Darn it!” the little boy said. “It didn’t make it again.”

 

“Come here son,” said Ben, motioning towards his son. “I’ll help you with it.” He pulled Joe towards him, sat him between his legs and began to pull the line back towards them both. “Now you put your hands there and we’ll throw it together,” he said.

 

Joe did as instructed and grinned as this time the line fell with a plop into the water. “That’s got it Pa!” he said, leaning back against his father’s chest happily and stretching his legs out on top of Ben’s. “This is great, ain’t it Pa?” he asked, tilting his head backwards and grinning up at his father.

 

“It sure is son,” replied his father, ruffling Joe’s curly hair with one hand while holding onto his own fishing line with the other. His mind, however, wasn’t on his youngest son at that moment, but on his eldest one instead.

 

One of the reasons he’d brought Hoss and Joe fishing today was to keep them away from the house so that Adam would be assured of the peace and quiet he would need to concentrate on the examination, but the other reason was that he was just too darned fidgety to stay around the house and wait.

 

Adam himself had seemed quite calm about the whole process and when George Breckenridge had arrived first thing this morning as arranged with the examination package in hand, he’d seemed almost eager to begin.  Ben knew that if it had been him he’d have been scared stiff at attempting something so important and he had admired his son at that moment for his calm and collected approach.

 

He could just picture the scene in his mind now. Adam, seated at his father’s desk writing while George Breckenridge sat in front of the fireplace. The only sound in the room would be the gentle popping of the fire in the grate and the steady ticking of the grandfather clock near the door marking each minute as Adam steadily wrote his way into his future.

 

Occasionally there would be a slight thumping sound from the kitchen as Hop Sing kneaded yet another mound of pastry, for Ben knew that the cook was just as anxious as he was about Adam’s examination and Hop Sing’s way of coping with stress was to immerse himself in baking at such times. Ben chuckled slightly, thinking that there would probably be enough pastries, pies and cakes to satisfy even Hoss by the time they made it home later that afternoon.

 

“What’s funny Pa?” asked Joe. “Your stomach feels all funny when you laugh.” Joe wriggled happily from his position in front of his father.

 

“Nothing,” said Ben, smiling down at his son. “I’m just happy.”

 

“So am I,” Joe informed him. “I like fishing.” He sat forward. “You want me to put him on for you Hoss?” he asked his brother who was sitting next to them staring at a worm distastefully.

 

“If ya like,” replied Hoss, trying to sound nonchalant about it.

 

Ben watched as Little Joe expertly baited his brother’s hook, noting with amusement the look on Hoss’ face. His middle son was so gentle with animals that even inflicting pain onto a worm was a chore for him, although he’d never have admitted it to anyone.

 

“There ya go Hoss,” said Joe generously, handing the hook and worm back to his brother. I’ll do another one for ya later cause I’m good at it,” he added, quite immodestly.

 

“Thanks,” said Hoss. He threw his line into the water where it dangled alongside his father’s and brother’s, grabbed three more cookies from the basket next to him and leant back against the tree behind him while he munched happily. “Hey Pa?” he said suddenly. “Do ya reckon that Adam will be finished his examination yet?”

 

“Not quite son,” said Ben. “He would be well into the second part of it by now though.” He sent up another silent prayer, wondering as he did so how many that would have made today. He supposed that the Lord would be sick of them by now, but he couldn’t help it. If he had to storm heaven itself for his son to have success in this thing he wanted so badly, then storm it he would.

 

“Have you ever done a esamashion Hoss?” asked Joe.

 

“Nup,” said Hoss. “I done some tests at school though and I reckon it’s just like a real big test. Is that right Pa?”

 

“That’s right son,” said Ben. “It’s like a real big test.”

 

Joe nodded. “Will I have tests when I go to school after the summer Hoss?”

 

“I reckon so Joe,” replied his brother. “But not a real big one like an examination.”

 

Joe nodded again. “I don’t mind,” he said. “I don’t want to ever do a esamashion and go away to college like Adam is doing. I’m gonna stay right here on The Ponderosa forever and ever.”

 

“Me too,” Hoss declared.

 

“I’m glad to hear it,” said their father, sincerely. “Although if either of you ever change your mind I’m happy to talk about it.”

 

Hoss gave his father a sideways glance. “You don’t want Adam to go away neither, do ya Pa?” he said.

 

Ben stared into the blue water in front of them in silence for a moment or two. “No son, I don’t,” he said. “But it’s like I told you both before … if that’s what Adam wants, then we have to be happy for him.”

 

“I will,” said Hoss with a sigh. “Only I won’t really feel it inside.”

 

Neither will I, thought Ben silently. Neither will I.

 

“Hey!” cried out Little Joe suddenly. He sat forward on his father’s lap and looked eagerly into the water in front of them. “There’s my frog! He’s come back to see me!”

 

He leant forward, nearly toppling into the water in his enthusiasm to get to the animal. Ben held onto the back of his shirt as Joe scooped up the large green frog and held it up for his father and brother to see.

 

“That ain’t your frog,” snorted Hoss. “This one’s much bigger than your frog.”

 

Joe looked at the creature critically. “He musta grown,” he said. “See him Pa? Can I …”

 

“Don’t you even ask young man,” interrupted Ben. “I’ve had just about enough of frogs for now. The answer is no, you can’t take him home again.”

 

Joe’s face fell and he gave his father a pleading look. “But he came specially to see me,” he said.

 

“It ain’t your frog,” insisted Hoss. “So how could he specially come to see you?”

 

“Is too my frog!” declared Joe.

 

“Joseph, that frog will be much happier in the river rather than your pocket,” said his father. “Now let him go.” Joe didn’t move, but simply looked at his father, down at the frog and then back at Ben again. “Let him go,” insisted Ben.

 

“Pa’s right Joe,” said Hoss. “He belongs in the river.”

 

“OK,” said Joe reluctantly. He stroked the frog lovingly before putting him on the ground. “Bye fellar,” he said. “Have fun.”

 

All three Cartwrights watched as the animal took several small jumps and then one large movement took him back into the water from where he’d come.

 

“He’s happy down there Joe,” said Hoss, reassuringly. “Critters need to be where they belong.”

 

“I reckon,” said Joe, watching the water sadly. “I sure wish people was like frogs but.”

 

“What do you mean son?” asked Ben, intrigued.

 

“Well if Adam was like my frog, then he’d stay where he belongs and not go off to that darned old college,” declared the little boy, looking up at his father.

 

Ben gave his son a startled look. “Out of the mouths of babes,” he said in a half whisper.

 

“What Pa?” asked Hoss, puzzled at his father’s words.

 

“Nothing,” said Ben. “Look out son, you’ve got a nibble on that line.”

 

He and Joe watched as Hoss slowly drew in a large fish and laid it on the bank beside them. “Put it with the others,” instructed Ben, indicating a bucket beside them. “Looks like we’ll be eating real well tonight!”

 

It was late afternoon by the time Ben rode into the front yard, Hoss riding beside him on his trusty pony and Little Joe propped up in front of his father on the saddle. The first thing Ben noted was the array of baked goods cooling on the kitchen windowsill and the thought that he’d been right about Hop Sing amused him for a moment.

 

“Oh boy!” shouted Hoss, eagerly getting down from his pony. “Hop Sing’s been baking!”

 

“Here,” said Ben, handing down the bucket of fish to his son. “You go and give him these Hoss. He’ll be expecting them for supper.” He dismounted and then reached up, pulled Little Joe down from the saddle and set him on his feet. “Off you go too,” he said, giving him a slight swat on the backside. “Go and tell Hop Sing all about our day.”

 

He waited until both boys had disappeared into the kitchen before tying up the two animals and turning to face the front door. To his surprise it was wide open and Adam and George were sitting on the front porch, drinking coffee and talking non-stop. “All done?” he asked, as he walked towards them. “How did it go?”

 

Adam turned shining eyes onto his father. “It was great Pa,” he said happily. “I think I did really well.”

 

Ben breathed a sigh of relief before sitting down on the edge of the porch and facing them both. “That’s wonderful son,” he said.

 

“It was actually easier then I thought it was going to be,” continued Adam. “There was really nothing that I couldn’t answer at all.”

 

“From all Adam’s told me, it does sound like he’s done extremely well,” said George, patting the large, sealed brown envelope on the table between them.

 

“That question about the philosophers … I was really glad that you’d given me those books to read on that,” said Adam. “The algebra questions too … they were …”

 

As he continued to talk, Ben leant back onto one of the supports of the porch and revelled in watching his son. He didn’t think that he’d ever seen him so animated and happy as he had at that moment and his heart rejoiced for his boy and nearly burst with pride for him. He listened to the two of them discussing the various questions and Adam’s answers, not really understanding most of it but happy that Adam seemed to be enjoying himself so much.

 

At that moment, Ben knew in his heart that everything he’d ever hoped for his son was about to be realised. A father couldn’t wish for anything more than that his child feel happy and fulfilled and even though it would wound him deeply when Adam left, he was elated that his son had found the thing that would complete his soul.

 

Finally, when even Adam seemed to have run out of things to say, George stood up. “Well, I’d better get back to town and find somewhere safe for this until I can mail it first thing in the morning.” He said, picking up the large envelope. He held his hand out to Adam. “Congratulations,” he said. “You should be well pleased with what you’ve achieved today.”

 

“Thanks,” said Adam, also standing up. “I’ll always owe you a debt of gratitude for what you’ve done for me today.”

 

“I second that,” said Ben as he got to his feet. “Thank you George.”

 

George nodded. “You’re most welcome,” he said. “I’ve been proud to have been part of all this.”

 

“How long will all this take now?” asked Ben, as he and Adam stood watching the schoolteacher ride out of the yard.

 

“George said that they send out the acceptance letters in two months,” said Adam. He stretched. “I’m tired!” he said. “Pa, I suddenly feel so free, as if a heavy weight has been taken off my shoulders.”

 

“You need a good supper and a good night’s rest now,” said his father. “By the look of that kitchen windowsill we’ll be eating plenty of dessert after our fish tonight.”

 

Adam chuckled and shook his head. “I don’t know how many cups of coffee Hop Sing brought in for us today,” he said. “I thought George was going to be waterlogged!”

 

“It’s his way of showing that he cares,” said Ben. “We all do, you know son.”

 

“I know,” Adam acknowledged. “Pa, now that it’s all happening at last …well it’s made me feel as if I’m losing something very dear to me. It’s strange, but even though I want to go so badly, sitting there today doing that exam made it feel like I was already saying goodbye to you, Hoss, Joe, Hop Sing … to all of it.” He looked around wistfully. “I’m going to miss this place,” he said, softly.

 

“I know,” said his father, putting his arm around the young man’s shoulder. “But just think what you’re going to son.” He smiled at Adam. “Use the next couple of months to just enjoy everything here and then you’ll take all those memories with you when you go.”

 

Adam nodded. “Tomorrow I’ll write to my grandfather and let him know what’s happening,” he said. “He’ll need to get ready if I’m arriving in a few months. I’m so happy that I’ve got him to stay with while I’m in Boston. It would be so much harder without knowing at least one person in the city.”

 

“I’m grateful to him too,” said Ben. “And glad that you’ll have this chance to get to know each other in person. I know that you’ve always corresponded with him, but meeting him face to face will be wonderful for both of you.”

 

The kitchen door opened with a loud bang and Little Joe ran out into the yard, followed at a more leisurely pace by Hoss who was munching on a large piece of cake. “Hop Sing’s cooked up a storm Pa,” Hoss said happily. “There’s lots for everyone.”

 

“Good,” said Ben, sweeping Joe up into his arms.

 

“And he’s cooking up all our fish fer supper too!” Joe informed his father. “We’re gonna eat real well tonight!”

 

“Good,” said Ben again. He turned to Adam. “You go and wash up son while I get these two cleaned up.” He sniffed the air and made a face. “You two smell all fishy,” he said, teasingly.

 

“So do you Pa!” giggled Little Joe. He turned to Adam. “We found my frog in the river,” he said. “He came back to say hello.”

 

“Did ya finish the examination Adam?” asked Hoss, before his elder brother could reply.

 

“Yes,” said Adam. “It’s all done.”

 

Hoss nodded. “That’s good,” he said. “Now maybe you can stop reading all them books.”

 

Adam shook his head. “I’ll never stop reading books Hoss,” he said, his eye shining with the thought of all the literature he would have at his disposal in a few months. “There’s always more to be read.”

 

Hoss scratched his head as Adam walked away towards the house. “I reckon I’ll never understand him Pa,” he said.

 

“Don’t worry about it son,” said his father, swinging Joe around in his arms. “We all enjoy different things. Now come into the wash house and we’ll all get cleaned up.”

 

Hoss shrugged. “Reckon so,” he said before swallowing the last of his cake and following his father.

 

 

 

Ben put his fingers over Little Joe’s thigh and squeezed the little boy’s leg, causing Joe to stop wriggling and look up at his father with a puzzled look on his face. Ben shook his head slightly and then pointed to the minister at the front of the church.

 

Joe gave a loud sigh and stopped swinging his legs. He looked over at Hoss at the end of the pew and made a face, but when his brother didn’t respond he sighed again. It seemed to him that church had one purpose … and that was to cause him the most discomfort in the shortest space of time imaginable. He was never so bored except when in church and nothing he did, no amount of wriggling or scratching or swinging of his legs could take away the boredom.

 

He looked up at Adam, sitting on the other side of him and grinned, but his eldest brother was staring in front of him and didn’t respond so Joe tried his father instead. Ben’s response to his son’s grin was simply to stare at him, so Joe looked around for someone else to make eye contact with.

 

When he discovered that no one was willing to look at him, he sighed again and climbed up onto his father’s lap. If all else failed, then he usually took a nap to make the time to go faster when they came to the Sunday service and it seemed like today would be no exception.

 

In fact, the small boy was still fast asleep when the small congregation finally sang the last strains of the final hymn and Ben was forced to carry his sleeping son out of the church. He was busy propping him up over one shoulder when a voice made him turn. “Ben!”

 

“Reverend,” he said, holding out his free hand to shake hands with the man. “Good sermon.”

 

“Thank you,” said the reverend. “I believe that congratulations are in order for Adam?” He beamed at the young man standing beside his father. “You must be mighty proud of this young man,” he said to Ben. “Soon to be a college man, I believe?”

 

“I certainly am proud,” replied Ben, noting how Adam drew himself up to his full height proudly. He looked down at Joe on his shoulder as the little boy began to wriggle slightly and open his eyes. “Is church over yet?” asked Joe sleepily as he put his head up.

 

“Yes son, the service is all finished,” said his father.

 

“Good,” said Joe with a huge yawn.  He gave his father a bleary-eyed look. “It was right boring,” he added as he began to wriggle in his father’s arms. Ben gave the reverend an apologetic look as Little Joe added, “Can I get down now Pa?”

 

Ben placed Joe on his feet and took his hand. “Let go Pa,” the boy demanded. “I wanna go esplore!”

 

“You’ll stay with me,” said Ben firmly.

 

“But Pa!” whined Joe, trying to loosen his father’s hand from around his fingers. “Hoss gets to go away from you! I wanna go away and esplore too!”

 

“All right,” said his father. “But don’t go too far.”

 

“Well done Adam,” said the reverend as Joe scampered off happily. “Have you got the official notification yet son?”

 

“No,” said Adam. “But it should be any time now.”

 

“Everyone is talking about it,” said the reverend. “It’s hard to imagine a young man from our fair town going to Harvard! You must be very excited?”

 

“I am,” admitted Adam, looking as pleased as punch at the man’s words. “It’s hard not to be, to be honest.”

 

“Made your travelling plans yet?” the reverend asked.

 

“We’re waiting until his letter of acceptance comes,” Ben interrupted. “It’s best to be sure before we make any decisions about all of that.”

 

“Well let me know when you get it,” said the reverend to Adam. “I’ll help spread the word around town. Everyone is so excited for you.”

 

“Thanks,” said Adam. “That was nice of him,” he added to his father as the reverend walked away.

 

“Everyone is so happy for you son,” said Ben. “Roy Coffee was talking about it the other day when I was in town. Paul Martin too. It seems that it’s the thing on everyone’s mind at the moment.”

 

“Adam! Ben!”

 

Both of the Cartwrights turned at the sound of their names. “”Mr Bertoli,” said Adam, tipping his hat to the man. “How are you?”

 

“Fine! Fine!” Frederick Bertoli smiled at them both. “But I’ve been wondering why you haven’t come to visit me yet in my shop?” he asked. “I’ve been waiting to take your measurements.”

 

Ben smiled. “I can assure you that we will be coming in to get Adam measured up for a few things when the time is right,” he said. “We’re just waiting on his acceptance letter first before we finalise things.”

 

Frederick nodded and continued to beam at both of them. “Well, don’t you leave it too late,” he said. “I will take extra care with making some suits.” He winked at Adam. “I’ve known your father for many years and he’s been good to me,” he said. “The least I can do is to make sure that you get the very best! I will make plenty of shirts for you as well and perhaps a vest or two?”

 

“Perhaps,” said Ben, answering the tailor for his son. “We’ll come in with a list soon.”

 

“Come this week,” said Frederick. “I have some new good serge material that will make up very nicely into trousers for the young man.” He winked at Adam again. “The ladies will like it,” he said teasingly.

 

Adam grinned. “Thank you,” he said.

 

“My daughter talks about you all the time,” continued Frederick, reaching out and drawing his pretty young daughter towards his side. “She has never known a college man before.”

 

Jennifer Bertoli smiled shyly at Adam. “I certainly haven’t,” she said. “All the girls are talking about it.”

 

Adam puffed himself up. “Are they?” he said.

 

“Yes. Do you think  ….. I mean …. Would you mind if I write to you while you’re away?” she asked. “That is …. If you won’t be too busy or anything?”

 

“That should be all right,” said Adam, grinning at the girl. “I suppose I’ll be a bit lonely at first, so a few letters would be nice.”

 

“Why don’t you two go over there and talk about it?” suggested Frederick, pushing the two young people together to one side. He winked at Ben as they wandered off together. “Who knows?” he said. “They might get close through their letters. I’d like to see my Jennifer settled with a college man.” Ben smiled at him, but said nothing. “That boy of your has a bright future ahead of him,” continued Frederick. “He’s one smart young man, that one.”

 

“I think so too,” said Ben proudly.

 

“Now you remember Ben,” said Frederick. “You bring him in this week and I’ll start cutting out those trousers. A man can’t have too many pairs of trousers when he goes to live in the city.” He wandered off, leaving an amused Ben standing by himself.

 

“Pa!”

 

Ben turned at the sound of Hoss’ voice. “What is it son?” he asked.

 

“It’s Joe, Pa,” said Hoss. “He ….”

 

Ben put up his hand. „Don’t tell me,” he said. “That’s what I get for taking my eyes off him for a few minutes.” He looked over his shoulder. “Come on Adam!” he called. “Time to go home now son!” He put his hand on Hoss’ shoulder and went off to try and sort out his youngest son’s latest piece of mischief.

 

 

 

Joe sat on top of a large sack of grain and swung his legs happily as he watched his father and two brothers loading more sacks onto the buckboard. “We sure got a lot today Pa,” he said.

 

“Yes,” said his father. “Well, the animals will only eat it and then we’ll be back in for more next month,” he said. “Joe, please stop swinging your legs like that,” he added as Joe’s feet gave him a thump in the back. He mopped his face with his bandanna. “Sure is getting warm,” he said. “I can feel summer coming.”

 

“And more vacation time,” said Hoss happily. “That ain’t a bad thing.”

 

Ben smiled at the boy, but before he could reply someone slapped him on the back. “Well now, how’s my favourite prisoner?” asked Roy Coffee, beaming up at Joe.

 

“Fine thanks sheriff,” replied Joe. He looked carefully to see if the man had his handcuffs attached to his belt as he sometimes did, but was disappointed not to spy them.

 

Roy smiled at Ben and slapped him on the back again. “Adam sure looks fine,” he said, indicating the young man dragging a sack towards them. “Good to see him back to his old self.”

 

Ben nodded. “Yes,” he said. “It sure is.”

 

“Just getting my face seen doing the rounds,” said the sheriff. “Whoa, hang on there young fellar!” He reached up and clung onto Joe as the little boy launched himself down from the sack he’d been sitting on. “You’re gonna fall if ya ain’t careful,” he added, swinging the youngster around, much to Joe’s delight. “Thought you’d like ta know that the mail’s in,” he added to Ben, winking at Adam. “Matt says there’s some mighty interesting mail come for one of you Cartwrights from a place called … now what was it ….” He scratched his head as if trying to remember. “Ah yes …. A place called Harvard College?”

 

Adam dropped the sack he’d been dragging and stared at first Roy and then his father. “This is it!” he cried.

 

“Go,” said Ben, grinning at him. “Hoss and I will finish up here. And hurry back with the letter!” he shouted as Adam took off running down the street.

 

Roy chuckled. “He sure is anxious,” he said. “Real excited.”

 

“This is what he’s been waiting for now for over two months,” said Ben. “He’s been on tenterhooks these past few weeks, thinking it would never come.”

 

Roy nodded thoughtfully as he plonked Joe down onto his feet. “Well, we’re all mighty proud of him Ben,” he said. “The whole town’s ready to celebrate with him.”

 

Ben smiled proudly. “That’s mighty nice of everyone,” he said. “I was thinking that we’d have all our friends and neighbours over for a big celebration before he goes.”

 

“And just when will that be?” asked Roy. “When will he have to leave?”

 

“Oh, not for another six weeks or so,” replied Ben as Roy helped him pick up another sack. “Out of the way Joe … go over and help Hoss.” He mopped his face again as he scanned the street. “He’s taking a long time about getting back here,” he said. “I thought he’d be running down the street by now waving that thing over his head.”

 

Roy leant against the hitching rail. “Seems to me that you’re gonna miss that boy,” he said. “Things around here won’t be the same without him.”

 

“You’re right there,” said Ben. “Although I’m going to get a lot of help from Hoss on the ranch while Adam is away.” He patted Hoss on the back as the youngster hauled a sack onto the buckboard. “He’s a right good worker,” he added, winking at Roy.

 

“I can see that,” said Roy.

 

“I might just go down and see what’s keeping Adam,” said Ben. “Do you mind watching the boys for me for a few minutes please, Roy?”

 

“Not at all,” replied the sheriff. “We’ll have all this loaded by the time you get back. “You go and congratulate Adam for me.”

 

“Will we have time for me to be a prisoner in the jail Sheriff Coffee?” piped up Little Joe.

 

“We’ll see son,” chuckled the sheriff. “We’ll see.”

 

Ben wandered down towards the mail office, scanning the area for Adam as he did so. “Matt,” he said tipping his hat to the mail clerk as he approached the office. “Adam been here?”

 

“Sure has,” replied the man. “Grabbed a letter from me and took off with it.” His eyes twinkled. “It’s his acceptance from that Harvard College, I reckon. Congratulate him for me, will ya Ben?”

 

“I sure will,” said Ben. He turned to walk back up the street, when he spied Adam standing in a small alleyway. “Son?” he said, going up to him. “Why didn’t you bring your letter straight back? I’ve been waiting for ….” He stopped as he saw the look in Adam’s eyes. “What is it?” he asked.

 

Adam handed the letter to his father without a word. Ben looked at him for a moment and then read it …..

 

 

Dear Mr Cartwright,

 

 

 

We regret to inform you that unfortunately …..

 

 

 

Ben looked up, not needing to read any more. “Oh Adam!” he said, sympathetically.

 

Adam looked away from his father, not wanting to meet his eyes. “I failed,” he said in a tight voice.

 

Ben took a step towards his son and reached out for him. “Adam ….” he began.

 

Adam took a step backwards. “Leave me alone Pa,” he said, in the same tight voice. “I just want to be left alone!”

 

“Son ….”

 

Adam turned away from his father and walked quickly down the street.

 

“Adam!” called out Ben, but his son kept on going. “Come back here! We need to talk!” Within minutes Ben realised that he was talking to thin air. He looked down at the letter in his hand, wanting more than anything to scrunch it up and throw it into the gutter, but instead he folded it and placed it into his pocket, before walking down the street in search of his son.

 

 

 

Ben glanced for the tenth time in the past hour at the grandfather clock next to the front door.

 

“When’s Adam coming home Pa?” asked Little Joe.

 

“Soon,” his father replied absently.

 

“How come he didn’t come home for supper?” persisted Joe.

 

“Pa told you before,” interrupted Hoss. “He’s had a big disappointment and he’ll come home when he’s ready to.”

 

Joe wrinkled up his nose as he thought about it. “Another big disappointment?” he said. “Can’t he do another esamashion?”

 

“No,” said Hoss. “He failed the one he did is all.”

 

“What’s fail mean?” asked Joe, climbing up into his father’s lap and snuggling there.

 

“It means that he won’t be going to college after all,” said Hoss, giving his father a worried look. “Ain’t that right Pa?”

 

“It would seem so son,” sighed his father.

 

“Then that’s a good thing!” declared Joe, fiddling with the buttons on his father’s vest. “I never wanted him to go anyways!”

 

“But Adam wanted to go,” Hoss reminded him. “And he’s gonna be real upset now, ain’t he Pa?”

 

“Yes son,” replied his father, glancing at the clock yet again. “We must all try and say good things to him to make him feel better.”

 

“What kind of good things?” asked Joe.

 

“Like reminding him bout all the things he’s good at,” said Hoss. “Is that what you mean Pa?”

 

“Yes,” said his father, sitting forward as he heard a sound in the front yard. He put Joe onto his feet. “Hoss, take your brother upstairs and get him ready for bed please. I’ll be up later to check on you both.”

 

“Adam’s home!” said Joe, also hearing the noise outside. “I wanna stay up and talk to him.”

 

“Go to bed, Joseph,” said his father sternly. “Hoss, take your brother please.”

 

Ben waited until Hoss had dragged the reluctant Joe to the first landing of the staircase before walking to the front door and opening it. “Adam?” he said, peering into the darkness beyond the front porch. “Is that you?”

 

“It’s me Ben,” said Roy Coffee. “I found him like I said I would.”

 

Ben breathed a sigh of relief. After two hours of searching for his son in town that morning he’d given up all hopes of finding him in there and had eventually been persuaded by Roy to bring the boys home instead of continuing to search. Roy had promised to keep looking for him and Ben might have known that the sheriff would have been true to his word. He stepped out into the darkness of the porch. “Adam?” he said.

 

Roy stepped forward into the light that pooled out from the house, Adam’s arm around his shoulder as he supported the limp body of Ben’s eldest son.

 

“Adam!” cried Ben, his heart lurching suddenly. “What happened Roy?”

 

Roy chuckled. “He’ll be fine Ben,” he said as Ben took hold of the young man’s other arm. “He’s just a might under the weather, so to speak.” The two men walked Adam into the house, supporting him between them. “I found him holed up in the back of the Silver Dollar with the Bonner boys,” Roy explained as they eased him down onto the sofa. “From the look of him he’d been there most of the afternoon.”

 

Ben stared down at his son on the sofa, his heart a mixture of anger and pity at the drunken state he was in. “Thanks Roy,” he said. “I suppose I should have expected something like this.”

 

Roy gave Ben a sympathetic look. “I’m right sorry about all this Ben,” he said. “Can you manage him now? I’d best get back to town.”

 

Ben nodded. “Yes,” he said. “And thanks again Roy. I appreciate you bringing him home.”

 

Roy shrugged. “Well, I said I’d find him fer ya Ben. And in the state he was in, it was either bring him home or put him in one of the jail cells to sleep it off.” He made a face. “Good luck with him. I reckon you’re gonna need it.”

 

Ben nodded as he showed the sheriff to the door. He sighed as he closed it after the man and then walked back to the sofa again where Adam was quietly murmuring in his sleep. “Come on son,” he said, bending down and half-picking up the young man. “You and I are going to have a lot to talk about tomorrow, so we’re both going to need some sleep first.”

 

He turned towards the staircase and then remembered that Hoss and Joe were still awake upstairs, so he walked Adam over to the guestroom instead, laying him on the bed there.

 

As he began to take off Adam’s boots, the young man tossed his head around and opened up his eyes, staring at his father in a bleary fashion. “Hi Pa,” he said. Ben ignored the remark as he took off the second boot. Adam tried to sit up, but couldn’t quite manage it, falling back onto the bed and giggling as his head hit the pillow. “Hi Pa,” he said again, giggling as he stared up at the ceiling. “I … had a … couple of …. drinks,” he said.

 

“So I see,” said Ben dryly as he began to take off Adam’s coat. “Here, put your arm through there son.”

 

Adam hiccupped a couple of times as he stared up at his father. “A couple … of drinks,” he said again.

 

Ben said nothing, but simply pulled the blankets up over his son and turned down the lamp. “Go to sleep Adam,” he said.

 

Adam obediently shut his eyes, murmuring softly to himself. Ben was unable to catch the words, so he merely shook his head and left the room.

 

“Pa?”

 

Ben looked up at the first landing. “I thought I told you to go to bed,” he said.

 

Hoss made a face. “Is Adam home safe?” he asked.

 

Ben looked over his shoulder to the guest room. “Yes son,” he replied. “He’s home safe. Now go to bed Hoss.”

 

Ben turned down the lamp in the living room with a heavy heart. As he climbed the staircase he wondered just how he was going to deal with Adam in the morning and prayed for the right words to help his son make sense of all of this.

 

 

 

“Well, it’s about time you surfaced,” said Ben, dryly as he saw Adam emerge from the guest room, carrying his boots in one hand. “I thought you were going to sleep the whole day away.”

 

Adam glanced at his father who was seated at his desk in the study and then looked at the clock. He shrugged before turning towards the staircase.

 

“Just a minute young man,” said Ben. “I want to have a few words with you.”

 

Adam stopped. “Can’t it wait until later Pa?” he said. “I’ve got an awful headache.”

 

“No, I don’t think it can,” said his father. “Come and sit over here please.”

 

Adam sighed, but did as his father bid him. He sat gingerly on the edge of the wooden chair beside his father’s desk, his face cradled in his hands. “What?” he said.

 

“Son, I know you’re very disappointed about the letter you received yesterday, “ began Ben.

 

“You mean the rejection,” corrected Adam. “We may as well call it the right thing. I failed … I was rejected …. Simple as that.”

 

Ben’s eyes narrowed as he looked at his son. Adam’s eyes were still bleary, his hair looked unkempt and his shirt was hanging out of his trousers. He looked totally dejected and Ben’s heart went out to him.  “Call it what you will,” he said. “I know that you’re disappointed ….”

 

“You don’t know!” exploded Adam, in spite of himself. “You have no idea!”

 

Ben’s eyes flashed in spite of his resolve to keep his temper with the boy. “You just speak to me with a civil tongue in your head,” he reprimanded his son.

 

Adam sat back in the chair and closed his mouth, staring at the wall behind his father as Ben continued. “I’ve had many disappointments in my life too Adam,” he said in a gentler tone. “I do know what it’s like to not be able to do something that you’ve set your heart on. The thing is son, you’ve got to accept this and move on with your life.”

 

“I have no life,” said Adam in a low tone.

 

“That’s nonsense and you know it,” replied Ben. “Why, you’re a young man with a lot going for you. I just hope that last night wasn’t an indication of things to come,” he said, fixing his son with a steely gaze for a moment. “You’re worth more than the way you treated yourself Adam.”

 

“I don’t intend to go drinking in the saloon every day if that’s what you’re afraid of,” retorted Adam. “I’ve got more sense than that.” He rubbed his temples ruefully, wishing that the pounding in his head would stop.

 

“I would hope so,” said Ben. “I thought you understood by now that the Bonner boys aren’t exactly the best companions.” Adam shrugged. “And I don’t want a son of mine frequenting saloons more than occasionally,” continued Ben. “No matter what the reason.”

 

“No matter what the reason?” Adam sat up straight again in his chair. “You don’t think I had a good excuse?”

 

“I’m not saying that ….”

 

“I think that having my life ruined is a pretty good excuse to have a drink,” continued Adam, his temper beginning to rise.

 

“Your life is not ruined,” said Ben mildly.

 

“Isn’t it?” Adam snapped back at him. “I beg to differ! I’d call failing at the only thing I’ve ever wanted to do having my life ruined!”

 

“Son, you know that you weren’t your best when you did the examination,” began Ben.

 

Adam shook his hand and put up his hand to silence his father. “Pa, please don’t,” he said. “I was well enough and besides I thought I’d done well, I told you that. The plain truth is that my best just wasn’t good enough,” he said bitterly.

 

“Then you need to try again,” insisted Ben. “Remember that George Breckenridge said that there’s another examination before next semester and you could ….”

 

“No!” said Adam, springing out of his chair. “I failed and that’s an end to it!” He began to pace up and down in front of his father’s desk, rubbing his temples as he did so. “Harvard don’t think I’m good enough … so that’s that!”

 

“Then try for another college,” insisted his father.

 

“No!” Adam turned to face the man. “I don’t want to go to another college. I wanted to go to Harvard and now I can’t, so I’m just going to forget all about it. I’ll just stay here on The Ponderosa and work.” He gave his father a defiant look. “That should make you happy,” he said bitterly. “After all, it’s what you’ve always really wanted.”

 

Ben stood up and faced his son. “Adam,” he said. “That’s not completely true and you know it. All I’ve ever wanted was for you to be happy son and if that means you going away to college, then …”

 

“Well I’m not going,” said Adam, turning away from his father. “So that’s an end to it, isn’t it?”

 

“You’re not happy like this Adam,” said Ben, walking around his desk and standing next to the young man. “I want to see you happy again. I think you should try again for next semester and …”

 

“No!” said Adam.

 

Ben drew a deep breath. “What about George Breckenridge?” he asked.

 

“What about him?”

 

“Well, don’t you think he deserves to hear about this from you?” queried Ben. “He put a lot effort into helping you these few years and I think you owe it to him.”

 

“Wasted effort,” replied Adam bitterly. He shrugged. “I suppose so,” he admitted. “I don’t want to go into town though.”

 

“Son, you have to face everyone sooner or later with this,” said his father sympathetically. “Maybe you’d best get it over with?”

 

Adam shook his head. “I’ll go in after dark,” he said, walking away from his father.

 

“Adam!”

 

Adam waved his hand at his father in a gesture of dismissal as he reached the bottom of the stairs.

 

 

 

George smiled as he opened the front door and saw Adam standing on his porch. “Adam!” he said, taking the young man’s hand. “I’m so glad you’ve come!”

 

“You are?” said Adam, somewhat startled as the teacher drew him into his front room.

 

“Yes,” said George, his excitement evident in his eyes. “Please sit down. I’ve got some wonderful news!” Adam sat down on the edge of a large comfortable chair, wondering what on earth could have excited the man so much. “I received a letter today,” said George.

 

“So did I,” said Adam in a low tone, but George didn’t acknowledge having heard him. Instead, he picked up a piece of paper from the table beside him and began to read.

 

“Dear Mr Breckenridge,

 

 

 

We are pleased to offer you the position of deputy principal at ….”

 

He looked up and grinned at Adam. “Well, it goes on a bit,” he said. “The upshot of it all is that I’ve been offered a position in a very reputable school in Chicago.”

 

Adam stared at the man. “Chicago?” he said. “I had no idea you wanted to leave Virginia City.”

 

George shrugged. “I’ve been here long enough,” he said. “I wanted to try a position in a country school and I have. It’s time for me now to return to a position in the city.” He looked at the letter happily. “Chicago!” he said. “My sister lives there so it will be good to be near her again.” He looked up at Adam again. “Maybe I’ll be able to travel East with you in a few weeks when you go to Boston?” he said. “That will make the trip easier for both of us.”

 

“I’m very happy for you,” said Adam, swallowing his own disappointment. “Congratulations.”

 

George gave him a strange look. “You don’t look very happy for me,” he said. “What’s wrong?”

 

Adam handed the teacher his rejection letter. “It looks as though you’ll be travelling alone,” he said. “I failed.”

 

George’s jaw dropped open as he took the letter and read it. There was silence in the room for a couple of minutes while he digested the news and finally he broke it. “Oh Adam. I’m so sorry,” he said.

 

Adam nodded, but said nothing. George looked at the letter again and shook his head. “You came so close,” he said, skimming it quickly. “You were only five marks below their acceptance level.”

 

“It doesn’t matter how close I came,” said Adam bitterly. “I failed and that’s all there is to it.” He stood up and walked up and down the room, his arms folded over his chest. “The thing is that I feel so stupid!” he berated himself. “After telling every one that I was definitely going to get in and all, and now this!”

 

George frowned. “Of course I can understand you feeling the way you do,” he said. “But you’ve got nothing to be ashamed of Adam. You’re only five marks short. Do you know what that means?”

 

Adam turned to him. “It means I failed,” he said. “It means that I’m not good enough to go to Harvard. What else could it mean?”

 

George stood up and shook his head. “Sometimes you’re a very stubborn young man,” he said. “Now you listen to me. Once your initial disappointment about all of this is over and you’re ready to try again ….”

 

“I’m not trying again,” said Adam quickly. “This is an end to it.”

 

George stared at him. “What do you mean you’re not trying again?” he said. “Of course you’ll try again!”

 

“No,” said Adam firmly. “I won’t. I’m not going to go through another rejection. It hurts too much.”

 

“But just look at your results!” said George. “You were five marks short! Five marks! That’s nothing in the big scheme of things.”

 

“It’s enough to keep me out of college,” said Adam. “It’s enough that I failed.”

 

“Would you please stop using that word fail?” asked George. “You didn’t fail Adam, you simply didn’t get enough marks.”

 

Adam snorted. “That’s a very fine distinction,” he said.

 

“Think about this,” continued George. “You thought you did very well on that examination …”

 

Adam shrugged. “Just goes to show how stupid I am,” he said.

 

George raised an eyebrow at the remark. “And you’re calling me stupid too?” he asked, sarcastically.

 

Adam shot him a horrified look. “No, of course not!” he said.

 

“Well, remember that I thought you’d done well too, judging by the answers you told me that you’d written,” said George. “Look at this acceptance mark Adam. I’ve never seen one so high in all the years I’ve been involved in teaching. Now that tells me something.”

 

“What?”

 

“That they had an extraordinary number of applicants who gained high results,” said George. “You were just unlucky that you sat for the examination on such a year when the standard was so high, that’s all. At any other time you would have got in without a problem.” He looked at Adam admiringly. “You really are an extraordinary young man to have achieved such a mark under the circumstances. Why … do you know that there would be plenty of young men who had many more advantages than you’ve had who still wouldn’t have got such as high a mark as you? I call that extraordinary.”

 

Adam shrugged. “Maybe,” he said.

 

“No maybe about it,” said George. “Now I don’t want to hear any more talk about failing. You’ll sit for that examination again, next time you’ll get in and that’s all there is about it.”

 

Adam shook his head. “I don’t think I have the heart to do it again,” he admitted. “Besides, you’ve just told me that you’re going to Chicago and I won’t have your support next time.”

 

George put his hand on the young man’s shoulder. “Adam, you don’t need my support any more,” he said. “Don’t you understand son? You’ve grown beyond my tutelage now. You’re more than capable of doing this on your own next time.”

 

Adam took the letter back from George’s hands. “Except that there won’t be a next time,” he said. “It’s bad enough that I have to face people once with this, I’m not prepared to go through all of this again.” He put his hat on and turned towards the door. “Congratulations on the job. I’m pleased for you … I really am.”

 

“Adam!”

 

“Goodnight,” said Adam. “And thanks for everything you’ve tried to do for me. I’m sorry that I’ve let you down.”

 

George shook his head as Adam closed the door behind him. “Talk about stubborn!” he said out loud to no one in particular.

 

 

 

 

“Mr Cartwright?”

 

Ben turned to see Ross Marquette standing behind him. “Ross,” he said, holding out his hand. “I haven’t seen you for a few weeks. How’s your Pa?”

 

“Fine thanks,” said Ross, looking over Ben’s shoulder. “Is Adam in town with you?”

 

“No,” replied Ben. “He’s working out at the ranch.”

 

Ross nodded. “Oh,” he said. “He seems to have an awful lot of work lately. I haven’t seen him in town for a couple of weeks.”

 

Ben shrugged. “No more than usual,” he said. “I’ll tell him that I saw you Ross.”

 

“Please tell him that a few of the fellars are getting together for some drinks tonight in the Silver Dollar,” said Ross. “It being Friday night and all, we were hoping that Adam might be joining us.” He looked at Ben hopefully.

 

“I’ll tell him,” Ben assured the young man. “It’d do him good to have a few drinks with some friends.”

 

Ben sighed to himself as he walked away from Ross, thinking how ironic it was that he would have said such a thing. After Adam’s drunken performance a couple of weeks ago he never would have wished another drink on his son, but at this point Ben would have given anything to see his son enjoy himself a little again.

 

These past two weeks had been very difficult, with Adam immersing himself in his work and refusing to even talk to his father about the issue of college. It was as if he was punishing himself for his perceived failure and Ben just didn’t know what to do with him anymore. He’d talked and talked to him until he was all out of things to say to his son and still Adam refused to budge on the issue.

 

It was with a heavy heart that Ben pushed open the door to doctor Paul Martin’s office. “Ben!” The doctor looked up from his desk with a smile. “Good to see you. No one at The Ponderosa needing my services, I hope?”

 

“Only me,” said Ben, sitting down at the doctor’s desk.

 

“Funny,” replied Paul. “You don’t look sick. What’s the matter?”

 

“I’m sick at heart if the truth be known,” said Ben sith a sigh. “I’ve come to you as a friend to ask for advice Paul. I was hoping that with your medical background you might have a bit of an insight into Adam’s mind at the moment.”

 

“Depression?”

 

Ben held up his hands. “I suppose you could call it that,” he said. “I tend to call it pig-headedness myself.”

 

Paul smiled. “Ben, it’s only natural that he’d be difficult to live with at the moment,” he said. “Tell me what’s been happening.”

 

“He’s impossible!” said Ben, wringing his hands. “He refuses to talk to me about anything of any importance, let alone anything to do with the college incident. He does nothing but work ….”

 

“And that’s a bad thing?” asked Paul, with a slight twinkle in his eyes.

 

“Not by itself, no,” admitted Ben. “But it’s the way he’s doing it Paul. He works as if there’s no tomorrow … as if he’s trying to get out all his anger on the task at hand.”

 

“He probably is,” said the doctor. “And probably a good idea too. Better for him to be taking out his feelings on a cow or a pile of kindling wood than people, isn’t it?”

 

“But that’s just it,” insisted Ben. “He’s doing that too. I’ve never seen him like this Paul. He has no patience with Joe and Hoss is avoiding him like the plague. I feel as if I’m walking on eggshells around him all the time, never knowing when he’s going to snap at me.” He put his face in his hands. “I just don’t know how to help him anymore,” he said.

 

“Maybe you can’t?” observed Paul. “Maybe he just has to help himself Ben.”

 

Ben shook his head. “I don’t think he wants to anymore. With each day that passes I can see him sinking further down into this hole of apathy he’s dug for himself. He’s set his mind to not trying now.” He looked up at the doctor. “You have to understand Paul, Adam has always been used to doing well at anything he tries. This is the first serious blow he’s had to his confidence and he doesn’t know how to manage it.”

 

“Well then, he has to learn,” said Paul firmly.

 

“I’ve told him that,” said Ben. “He’s just not used to settling for second best and he feels as if he needs to prove to the world that he has to achieve.”

 

“He’s embarrassed and disappointed in himself, and feels as if he’s let everyone down,” said Paul.

 

“All of that,” said Ben. “Paul, do you have any ideas? What can I do to help him?”

 

Paul thought for a moment. “What have you done so far?” he asked.

 

Ben shrugged. “I’ve talked to him until I’m blue in the face,” he said. “I’ve told him that it doesn’t matter, that I’m still proud of him, that he can try again. About all my disappointments in life and how I had to pick myself up. I’ve told him how I understand …”

 

“Maybe you shouldn’t be so understanding then?” mused Paul.

 

“What?” asked Ben, startled.

 

“It sounds to me as if Adam is wallowing in his own self-pity,” observed the doctor. “The longer you tell him that everything is going to be all right, the longer he just might continue to enjoy being a martyr.”

 

“I don’t think he’s enjoying this!” protested Ben.

 

“Well, maybe enjoy is too strong a word,” said Paul. “But I do think that it’s time he stopped indulging in all this self-pity, don’t you?”

 

“Yes,” said Ben.

 

“Sometimes we have to be cruel to be kind,” said Paul.

 

“I think I see what you mean,” said Ben. “Well it’s worth a try. Nothing else has worked so far.” He stood up. “Thank you Paul,” he said. “I’ll try it.”

 

 

 

Ben rode into the front yard, noting straight away the large pile of kindling wood next to Adam that his son had obviously chopped since breakfast that morning. “Are you still at that?” he asked as he dismounted from his horse.

 

“We can never have enough kindling,” said Adam shortly. “You know that Hop Sing’s always looking for more.”

 

“I’m helping Pa!” shouted Little Joe, picking up a handful of woodchips and placing them on the small pile he’d already gathered.

 

“Good boy,” said Ben, absently, patting him on his curly hair. “I saw Ross Marquette in town,” he said, turning once more to Adam.

 

“Yeah?” said Adam, without much interest.

 

“He said to tell you that a group of your friends are getting together for a few drinks at The Silver Dollar tonight,” added Ben. “He asked me let you know that they’re looking forward to you joining them.”

 

Adam shrugged as he picked up another piece of wood. “I’m not interested,” he said in a dull voice.

 

“It might do you good,” prompted his father.

 

Adam gave the man a strange look. “I thought you wanted me to stay away from saloons for a while after what happened the other week,” he said.

 

Now it was Ben’s turn to shrug. “There’s nothing wrong with a man having a drink or two at the end of a hard week’s work,” he said. “As long as you don’t overdo it.”

 

Adam shook his head. “I don’t feel like it,” he said.

 

“Son, you haven’t been into town for weeks. You can’t hide out here away from everyone for the rest of your life on The Ponderosa, you know.”

 

“I’m not hiding!” snapped Adam. “I just don’t feel like going into town tonight, that’s all. Joe, move!”

 

Ben shook his head and sighed as he turned to lead his horse into the barn. As he unsaddled the animal, he thought about his conversation with Paul Martin earlier that morning and wondered if indeed he ….

 

“Pa!” Little Joe ran full-tilt into the barn, grabbed his father around the legs and buried his face against the man’s thighs as he sobbed. “Pa!” he cried again.

 

Ben bent down to pick up the little boy. “What’s the matter Little Joe?” he asked, full of concern for the child who only moments ago had been happily playing next to his brother outside.

 

“I fell!” sobbed Joe.

 

Ben inspected the small scraped knee. “Why all this fuss?” he asked soothingly. “It’s only a scratch. What happened?”

 

“I fell on the woodpile,” sobbed Joe, inspecting his knee himself.

 

“Well, there’s no need to carry on so,” replied his father, using his thumb to wipe the boy’s tears off his cheeks. “You’ll be all right.”

 

“I ain’t crying cause of my knee,” sobbed Joe. “I’m crying cause Adam’s being mean to my beetle.”

 

“What beetle?” asked Ben.

 

“This one,” replied Joe, opening his dirty hand to reveal a large black beetle on his palm. “Adam said he was a dumb beetle and he flicked him with his finger onto the woodpile and hurted him. I scraped my knee getting him back off the woodpile,” he added sadly.

 

Ben gave the boy a hug. “He’ll be fine,” he said. “Beetles are tough.”

 

Joe hiccupped as he looked at his father. “Why’s Adam being mean all the time Pa?” he asked. “If Hoss were home from school he wouldn’t have flicked my beetle!”

 

“No, he wouldn’t,” agreed Ben. “But it’s like I told you before Little Joe. Adam is angry because of his big disappointment.”

 

“But why’s he angry with me?” persisted Joe. “I didn’t make him fail that esamashion!”

 

“No son, you sure didn’t,” said Ben. He set the little boy down on the ground and gave him a small swat on the backside. “Why don’t you go into the kitchen and ask Hop Sing to wash that knee for you?” he suggested. “I think he might have a spare couple of cookies in there as well if you ask him nicely.”

 

“OK,” said Joe, his hurt feelings forgotten at the thought of the cookies. He ran from the barn, his hurt knee obviously not slowing him down in any way.

 

Ben put down the brush in his hand, set his jaw firmly and walked out of the barn. “Adam, I want a word with you,” he said.

 

Adam put down his axe. “I didn’t mean for Joe to get hurt,” he said, a touch defensively. “I tried to check his knee, but he wouldn’t let me.”

 

“Because you’ve hurt his feelings,” said Ben. “You’ve been so snappy with him lately that he doesn’t know what to make of you. Adam, I’ve had just about enough of this. Not only are you snappy with Joe, but Hoss has taken to avoiding you as well because he never knows that kind of mood you’re going to be in and I just don’t what to say to you any more.”

 

“Then don’t say anything,” said Adam, turning away from his father. “I’ve heard it all Pa and it doesn’t make any difference to how I feel.”

 

“Don’t you turn your back on me!” said Ben, anger glinting in his eyes. “You look at me when I’m talking to you boy!” Adam turned back to face his father, startled at his words. “I’m sick and tired of you talking about yourself all the time,” snapped Ben. “What about the rest of us?”

 

“What?” said Adam, at a loss for anything else to say.

 

“Your brothers and I,” continued Ben. “This family is all paying the price for you not passing that examination and we sure don’t deserve to!”

 

“I’m sorry,” said Adam stiffly. “I didn’t mean to upset any of you. I’ll go and apologise to Joe.” He put down his axe and made to walk away, but Ben grabbed him by the arm.

 

“Well, while you’re at it you’d better apologise to Hoss as well,” he said. “Your brothers have done nothing but try to help you Adam, as have I, and all we get for it is your bad temper.”

 

“I said I was sorry,” said Adam. “What more can I do?

 

“You can start facing this,” said his father. “Son, you’ve always insisted I treat you like a man, and these past few years I’ve tried to do just that, but at the moment you’re sure not acting like one.” He shook his head. “All I’m seeing right now is a boy … a boy who can’t handle disappointment.”

 

“But ….”

 

Ben put up his hand to silence his son. “I haven’t finished!” he snapped. “If you’re really serious about Harvard then you wouldn’t be giving up so easily,” he said. “As far as I’m concerned, now is the time to prove that you mean what you say. I expect more from one of my sons … now stand up and face it like a man!”

 

He turned and stalked away, leaving his open-mouthed son behind him. As the front door banged shut behind his father, Adam sat down on the woodpile and stared into space. Never in all his life had he heard his father speak to him that way. Sure there had been times when the man had been angry with him, but always with very good reason, and the anger hadn’t been like the blazing fire he’d seen within those dark eyes a moment ago.

 

It was almost as if his father had been very letdown by his attitude and the thought of it made Adam cringe.

 

The kitchen door opened and Joe walked out, munching on a cookie. “Hi Adam!” he said, their recent tussle seemingly forgotten. Before Adam could react, however, Joe’s attention was diverted by the sight of Hoss riding into the front yard and he ran towards his brother’s horse, jumping up and down in his excitement as Hoss dismounted.

 

“Hey Hoss!” the little boy shouted as he held up his hand. “Look what I got! He’s a real big beetle, ain’t he?

 

Hoss looked. “Sure is Joe,” he said. “He’s a right good one.” He looked over at Adam and waved tentatively, his face splitting into a wide grin as his brother for once returned the gesture.

 

“Show me your beetle again Joe,” suggested Adam as his two brothers walked slowly towards him.

 

Joe looked at him suspiciously. “You ain’t gonna flick him again, are ya?” he asked, closing his hand protectively shut over the insect.

 

“Of course not,” Adam assured him. “I’m sorry about that before. I shouldn’t have flicked your beetle.” He inspected the insect as Joe held his hand up towards his brother’s face. “He’s a good one,” he said.

 

Joe beamed at both his brothers. “I know,” he said, happily. He looked at Adam, wanting to return the compliment. “Hey Adam?”

 

“Yes?”

 

“You did a real good fail on that esamashion,” Joe said generously.

 

Adam made a face. “Thanks a lot,” he said ruefully.

 

“Joe!” said Hoss, punching his little brother on the arm. “You ain’t sposed to say that! Pa said we’re sposed to tell him good things about himself.”

 

“But I did!” answered Joe, defensively. “I said he failed real good! Didn’t ya hear me properly?”

 

Hoss shook his head. “He don’t understand,” he said to Adam.

 

“That’s OK buddy,” said Adam. “I know.” They both watched while Joe wandered off, talking to his beetle and stroking it softly.

 

“How was school?” asked Adam, trying to be pleasant.

 

Hoss gave him a strange look, for his brother hadn’t seemed interested in anything about him for the past few weeks. He shrugged. “Bad,” he said.

 

“Yeah?” asked Adam. “Why?”

 

Hoss shrugged again. “Algebra,” he said. “I just don’t seem to be able to get them letters and numbers right, so I hadta stay in a lunch and get extra help from Mr Breckridge.”

 

Adam nodded. “I could help you with them if you like,” he offered.

 

Hoss gave his brother another strange look and hesitated before shaking his head. “No thanks,” he said. “I don’t care to learn em.”

 

Adam looked shocked. “But you have to learn it!” he said. “How will you ever do math properly if you don’t understand algebra?”

 

„I don’t wanna learn math,” countered Hoss. “It ain’t much good to me nohow.”

 

“But you can’t give up on it Hoss,” persisted Adam. “You can do it if you really try.”

 

Hoss shrugged for the third time. “You gave up on college,” he said simply. “Don’t see why I should try with a dumb old thing like algebra.”

 

“That’s different,” said Adam stiffly.

 

“I don’t see how,” said Hoss. He glared at his older brother. “I used to think that you could do anything Adam,” he said.

 

“Well, I’m sorry I let you down,” said Adam. “It seems like I’m letting a lot of people down lately. If I’d only passed that examination …. ”

 

“I don’t care about any of that!” snapped Hoss. “It ain’t the passing that important. It’s like Pa always says …. it’s the trying that counts.”

 

Adam sat and stared at his brother, finding it difficult to say anything in reply.

 

Hoss picked up his pony’s reins and turned away from his older brother. “I don’t reckon you can lecture me about trying iffen you don’t bother,” he said. “Seems to me that it’s just easier giving up than going to all that effort.” He walked away into the barn without glancing back at Adam.

 

Adam stared after his brother, his mind whirling with his thoughts.

 

“Pa?”

 

Ben looked up from his paperwork. “Yes?” he said.

 

Adam cleared his throat before sitting down on the chair next to his father’s desk. “I was wondering if you’ve got a few minutes,” he said. “There’s something I’d like to talk to you about.”

 

Ben’s eyebrow shot up, but his expression didn’t change. “Yes,” he said, laying down his pen. “What is it?”

 

Adam cleared his throat. “Well, firstly I’d like to apologise to you for my behaviour in these past few weeks,” he said. “I’m sorry that I made life difficult for you … and Hoss and Joe.”

 

“Apology accepted,” said Ben, his face still bland.

 

“And there’s something else,” continued Adam. “Something that I think will please you.” He gave his father an intense look. “I’m going to try the entrance examination for Harvard again in the Fall,” he said.

 

Ben sat forward in his chair and smiled at his son, a smile that sent waves of affection right across his face. “Adam, I’m so thrilled to hear you say that son,” he said. “What made you change your mind?”

 

Adam shrugged as he returned his father’s smile. “Oh, a few things,” he said. “I guess all the things that you and George have been saying to me in these past few weeks finally sank into my thick head. But mainly it was Hoss.”

 

“Hoss?” Ben looked startled. “Hoss?” he said again. “Excuse me for questioning you son, but your brother Hoss hasn’t exactly had education as one of his top priorities in life before. What on earth did he do to convince you?”

 

Adam sat back in his chair. “Well, it wasn’t so much what he said,” he mused. “Although he did have a few choice words to say to me about giving up on things.” He shook his head. “It was more the way he looked at me Pa.” He hesitated. “You know how close we’ve always been ….”

 

Ben nodded. Since Hoss’ mother Inger had died when he was just a few months old, his older brother had taken the boy under his wing and cared for him with a tenderness that had thrilled his father.

 

“Well, for the first time ever he looked at me as if he was disappointed in me,” went on Adam. “He’s always looked up to me before Pa.”

 

“He admires you son,” said his father. “Hoss has always wanted to be like his big brother.”

 

“I know. Well, when he told me that he didn’t think that he should try for anything because I didn’t seem to want to anymore, well …. the look in his eyes made me feel as if I’d really let him down.” He glanced at his father. “Now I know how you feel,” he said.

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“Well you’re always telling us to try our best and you’ve always shown us how to behave by example with the things you do,” explained Adam. “When Hoss looked at me that way I felt as if I had no right to let him down. That everything I did reflected on him and his attitude … and Joe’s too, I suppose.”

 

Ben nodded. “I see,” he said.

 

“I feel like I’ve got a responsibility to show them a good example by trying again,” said Adam. He shrugged. “Stupid in a way, I suppose.”

 

Ben shook his head. “No Adam, it’s not stupid at all,” he replied. “I think you’ve just figured out a very important thing about life son. You see, none of us ever lives in isolation from those around us. No matter how much we’d like to live our own lives, our actions always influence others and it’s up to us whether or not that influence is a good one or not.” He reached out and put his hand on his son’s shoulder. “I’m glad that you have a sense of responsibility towards your brothers,” he said. “But the most important thing is that you want to do this for yourself Adam.”

 

Adam nodded. “I do,” he said. “I really do Pa. I’m determined that I’m not going to let this beat me.”

 

Ben nodded and his smile grew broader. “Now that’s the Adam I know,” he said. “Welcome back! I have a feeling that you’re going to find this dream of yours. Your future is in your hands now son … go out and find it.”

 

Father and son smiled at each other in contented silence.

 

 

Epilogue

 

 

“Joe, please move,” said Ben, trying not to get cross with the boy. “You’re in the way again son.”

 

Joe scampered out of his father’s way as Ben hauled another sack of grain onto the buckboard. It was at times like this that he really missed Adam, for if his eldest son had been here they would have well and truly finished loading all this by now. Ben sat down on the edge of the buckboard and glanced over at Hoss who was busy dragging a sack towards him, his middle son as always trying desperately to fill the gap that his brother’s leaving had created.

 

“You take a break Pa,” said the boy, grinning at his father as he heaved the sack. “I’ll get this finished for ya.”

 

Ben smiled proudly at his boy and opened his mouth to reply, but instead gave a loud yell. “Joseph!” he said. “I really need that foot! Can you get off it please?” He bent down and rubbed his ankle where his youngest son had inadvertently kicked him in his excitement at trying to also help. “Why don’t you go down to the mail office and pick up the mail for me?” Ben suggested, indicating the mail office as couple of doors away. “Can you do that son?”

 

“Sure Pa!” shouted Joe and scampered off happily.

 

“He don’t mean to get in the way,” Hoss explained to his father as he reached the buckboard with the sack. “He’s only a little kid and thinks he’s helping.”

 

Ben smothered a grin. “Yes son,” he said, standing up and picking up the other side of the sack before they hauled it into the buckboard together. “Good work Hoss,” he said, patting the boy on the shoulder. “I don’t know what I’d so without you son.”

 

Hoss beamed proudly at his father and opened his mouth to reply, but his words were cut off by a loud shout from behind them.

 

 

“Pa! Pa!” shouted Little Joe. “It’s come Pa! The letter from Adam! It’s come!”

 

Ben turned to see Joe running towards them, waving a letter above his head excitedly. He grabbed it from the boy, his face showing eagerness as bright as both his boys as they gathered around their father impatiently. Ben ripped open the letter and scanned the three pages quickly.

 

“What’s he say Pa?” asked Joe, jumping on Ben’s foot again in his excitement, but this time his father didn’t even notice. “What’s he say?”

 

Ben took a deep breath. “He got there safely,” he said, looking up at his two boys. “He’s in Boston and he’s with his grandfather.”

 

Hoss leant against his father, trying to get a look at the letter. “What’s the other one?” he asked.

 

“It’s a letter from Adam’s grandfather,” Ben explained, tucking it away for later. He scanned Adam’s letter again eagerly. “He stopped in Chicago as arranged and caught up with George Breckenridge for a day or two,” he said, half to himself.

 

Hoss’ nose wrinkled at the sound of the name. “I sure wish Mr Breckenridge were back here in Virginia City,” he said. “He was heaps better at teaching than old Jonesy.”

 

“Yeah,” agreed Joe. “Heaps better than old Jonesy!”

 

Hoss gave his little brother a withering look. “How would you know?” he asked. “You never had Mr Breckenridge for a teacher.”

 

Joe had nothing to say to that, so he simply changed the subject. “When’s Adam coming home again Pa?” he asked, eagerly.

 

Ben gave his son a sad smile. “Not for a long, long time Little Joe,” he said. He looked at the letter again. “He says that classes start next week and he’s very excited about it,” he said.

 

“Read it out loud Pa,” said Hoss. “I wanna hear every word.”

 

Ben smiled at them both. “I will,” he said. “On the way home. You can drive the team when we get out of town Hoss while I read it for all of us to enjoy. Come on boys, let’s get going.”

 

“But we ain’t got our candy yet!” Little Joe protested.

 

Ben reached into his pocket and drew out two pennies. “Hurry up then,” he said. “I’ll wait here for you.“ He smiled as he watched his two boys jostle each other to get into the store, their excitement about their brother’s letter forgotten momentarily at the thought of the treats inside.

Ben climbed up into the buckboard and looked at the letter in his hand again. He folded it and placed it for a moment against his chest as he stared off into the east, feeling a pang in his heart as he considered just how far away his boy was from him.

 

“I hope it’s everything you want it to be Adam,” he whispered. “Everything.” He sat thus for a few moments in silence as he waited for his two boys to return to him with their candy.

 

 

The End