Summary: A variation on A Stranger Passed this Way.
Rating: T (1,440)
Author’s Note: The REALLY Losts are satires of the series written with much affection, eye rolling, and winks. And can be somewhat risque’.
Goat Cheese on the Comstock
A REALLY Lost Episode
In the first three minutes of this remarkable episode, before the Chevy Commercial, Hoss was bushwhacked. (He had a wad of money, flashed it bad guys saw him…. you know the drill…yada yada yada….Hoss gets slugged and knocked unconscious). His eyes rolled back in his head and he twitched.
Note from F. Sheets: If you look in the back ground of the opening scene, you can see Michael Landon and Pernell Roberts off to the side playing with silly putty bouncing it off Dan’s head. That was how they got him to do that eye roll so effectively. Landon is wearing his “I heart Gals” tee shirt. Roberts was batting the wad of silly putty with his guitar.
Hoss wakes up on a country road. He had amnesia. Strange wooden shoed Dutch people stole him and told him he was their son, Snap Crackle Heinrich and put a dumb wooly cap on his head to hide the knob.
Another Note from Prof F. Sheets: Michael Nesmith and the Monkees later used that same hat in the first season of the Monkees. Davy Jones claims to have the petrified wad of silly putty in his desk.
All the Cartwrights went searching for Hoss.
”Nothing will stop me from finding my child!” bellowed Pa., leaping on Buck.
“Nothing will stop me from finding my brother!” said Adam, determinedly leaping on Sport.
“Pa loves me best!” smiled Joe impishly. “But Hoss will do most of the yucky chores for me.” He vault mounts Cochise III… the one with the curly mane.
Ben went north, Adam south, Joe to the west…. they knew Hoss would not go
east as the Ponderosa was to the east and had he gone east, he would have gone home, and he did not go home or they wouldn’t be looking for him.
Note by F Sheets: Did you ever notice how the Cartwrights just drop everything and go hunting for a lost member? This was to make the audience jealous and feel that had they been a Cartwright, they would have been found in times of trouble rather than their REAL family who would rather play bingo or drink martinis.
Ben can’t find him but does meet some fun folks along the way. One was his old pal from when he was on an Elder hostel in Budapest, played by Zsa Zsa Gabor. She wanted Ben to have a “private dinner” with her but he said, “No, Zsa Zsa. I don’t want your chicken paprikash as much as I want to find my boy Hoss. But if you write down the recipe, I can have Hop Sing cook it for Hoss when he finally gets home at the end of the episode.”
Adam doesn’t find him but kisses a few lusty gals while he thinks with his lips not his brain. One was a married Mormon, one was a gun moll for the mafia and one was terminally ill with a non-contagious disease. Adam left that one swooning in the dirt road.
Joe rides on to the west on Cochise. They stop at Starbucks and Joe orders a mocha java latte for his horse and a quick smooch from the waitress for him. “Ever kiss a Cartwright?” he says closing his eyes and moving in real real real close to her. “It is the best and last kiss you will ever have!”
”I can’t resist!” she said sighing and batting her thick mismatched false eyelashes.
Note from F. Sheets: Joe disengages his lips from hers with a Mwaa that makes all the female fans sigh (SIGH!) and all the male fans go “WOWza!! Wish gals kissed me with such suction!”
Little Joe tells the Starbucks waitress, “Can’t keep kissing you…gotta find my big missing brother Hoss.” He gallops off on Cochise and the waitress gets killed when the espresso machine explodes. BAM!!!
Joe finally finds Hoss working on the Dutch farm, planting tulips and making wooden shoes and windmills from popsicle sticks, much like he learned at Cub
Scout Day Camp. (Ben was the den mother).
The Dutch people insist Hoss’s head will explode if Joe reveals his real identity. “Ya, Mr. Cartwright…His head will blow up just like that espresso machine at Starbucks. KER PAWOW!”
”Call me Joe; Mr. Cartwright is my Pa…just call me Joe. And do you have any pretty gals hidden in your house?”
”No, just Mama and me and Snap Crackle Heinrich. The rest of the family vent into town to the funeral of the Starbucks girl,” Mr. Von Schtup said, wishing he could kiss with the same vigor and suction as Joe. His wife had a loose tooth and he really wanted to save on the dental bills.
”Yes, she got killed ven de coffee pot vent kerputski!” said Mrs. Von Schtup, eyeing Joe and wishing Mr. Von Schtup could kiss with the same vigor as Joe. She wished her hubby could do lots of things with the same vigor as Joe. She watched Bonanza every Sunday night and knew that Joe was a hottie.
“Tell you what I am gonna do!” Joe rolls up the sleeves of his green jacket.
“Vus is dat?” Mrs. Von Schupt, warily watched Joe make an offer.
Little Joe was desperate. He wanted Hoss back without an exploded head. He loved his brother and Pa would be pissed if his head was too messed up, again. “If my brother can identify me or my horse, I get to take him home to the Ponderosa; otherwise, you keep him.”
Note from F. Sheets: Any other person would have blown the kidnappers to kingdom come or butt shot them for the comedic effect, but not our cowboy hero, hunkie Little Joe Cartwright. His Pa always said, “Make the story last the whole hour and come home with Hoss unexploded.” Besides, Joe was hoping that when the rest of the family returned from the funeral of the Starbucks girl, at least one of them would be a good-looking gal suitable for a bit of lip locking. If he could dawdle, maybe he could have a bit of hooha in the hay stack.
“Ok,” the couple reluctantly agree, knowing Hoss will never identify anything as he is now part of their wooden shoe cult. Soon they could have Snap Crackle Heinrich selling tulips in stage depots all over the west.
“Hey big guy,” Little Joe grins, trying to sound casual. “What is my name?”
Hoss looks at the handsome cowboy in the green jacket. “Garsh you look mighty familiar… Michael? Charles Ingalls? Teenaged wolfboy?”
The couple grins. “Heh heh…we get to keep Heinrich!!”
“Wait!!” Joe declares resting his left hand on his gun. “I get one more question! What is the name of my pinto pony?”
“Goat Cheese?” Hoss grins. “Goat Cheese Cartwright!” Hoss licked his lips remembering how Hop Sing made yummy cheese soufflé from Tante Jenette’s recipe. It all flooded back to his addled brain. Goat Cheese Soufflé with little black and white flecks of cream and pepper…just like that adorable curly haired cowpoke’s pony. “GOAT CHEESE!” Hoss grinned.
“Close enough!” Joe shouts, shooting the kidnappers in their guts. BAM BAM.
“OUCH!” They shout in unison. “We should never have gone against the Cartwrights!”
Remarkably, Joe flings Hoss on the back of Goat Cheese…er…Cochise and they gallop off into the sunset.
Note from F. Sheets: The same dummy that played Adam in “Honor of Cochise” that Joe carried played Hoss. Do you really think that any mortal could fling Dan Blocker over his shoulder without getting a quadruple hernia?
The last scene is the reunion among all the Cartwrights and Pa ripping the dumb hat off Hoss’s head and putting his regular ten gallon hat on him.
“PA!” Hoss hugs Ben. Ben tearfully hugs Hoss as he is standing on his bunions.
“Kin we have some supper?” Hoss grins, hungrily eyeing Joe’s horse.
“What would you like, Big Brother?” Adam says as he leans on the porch post. He was glad Hoss was back and would be able to lift heavy things and do the really stupid comedy parts in the bad scripts that they were giving him. “Goat Cheese Soufflé?” All the Cartwrights chuckle except Hop Sing who had just finished cooking a big pot of chicken paprikash ala Zsa Zsa.
Note from F. Sheets: This episode was removed from circulation not because Joe shot the unarmed kidnappers but because animal rights activists complained that the horse was fed high test coffee, not decaf.
Other Stories by this Author
- Knowing Isn’t Everything (by Robin)
- The Third Fondue Tale: Heidi (by Robin)
- Kane’s Bidet (by Robin)
- Bath Water (by Robin)
- The Olympic Inheritance (by Robin)